This is a modern-English version of Tales of Men and Ghosts, originally written by Wharton, Edith.
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and grammar—to ensure clarity for contemporary readers, while preserving the original spirit and nuance. If
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TALES OF MEN AND GHOSTS
By Edith Wharton
London
1910
CONTENTS
TABLE OF CONTENTS
THE BOLTED DOOR
I
HUBERT GRANICE, pacing the length of his pleasant lamp-lit library, paused to compare his watch with the clock on the chimney-piece.
HUBERT GRANICE, walking back and forth in his cozy, lamp-lit library, stopped to check his watch against the clock on the mantelpiece.
Three minutes to eight.
Three minutes until eight.
In exactly three minutes Mr. Peter Ascham, of the eminent legal firm of Ascham and Pettilow, would have his punctual hand on the door-bell of the flat. It was a comfort to reflect that Ascham was so punctual—the suspense was beginning to make his host nervous. And the sound of the door-bell would be the beginning of the end—after that there’d be no going back, by God—no going back!
In exactly three minutes, Mr. Peter Ascham from the well-known law firm Ascham and Pettilow would have his reliable hand on the doorbell of the apartment. It was reassuring to think about how punctual Ascham was—the waiting was starting to make his host anxious. And the sound of the doorbell would signal the beginning of the end—after that, there’d be no turning back, I swear—no turning back!
Granice resumed his pacing. Each time he reached the end of the room opposite the door he caught his reflection in the Florentine mirror above the fine old walnut credence he had picked up at Dijon—saw himself spare, quick-moving, carefully brushed and dressed, but furrowed, gray about the temples, with a stoop which he corrected by a spasmodic straightening of the shoulders whenever a glass confronted him: a tired middle-aged man, baffled, beaten, worn out.
Granice started pacing again. Every time he got to the end of the room opposite the door, he caught sight of himself in the Florentine mirror above the elegant old walnut credence he had bought in Dijon. He saw a lean, quick-moving man, well-groomed and dressed, but also lined, with gray hair at the temples, and a stoop he tried to correct by abruptly straightening his shoulders whenever he faced a mirror: a worn-out, middle-aged man, confused, defeated, exhausted.
As he summed himself up thus for the third or fourth time the door opened and he turned with a thrill of relief to greet his guest. But it was only the man-servant who entered, advancing silently over the mossy surface of the old Turkey rug.
As he reviewed himself for the third or fourth time, the door opened, and he turned with a rush of relief to greet his guest. But it was just the manservant who came in, moving quietly over the soft texture of the old Turkey rug.
“Mr. Ascham telephones, sir, to say he’s unexpectedly detained and can’t be here till eight-thirty.”
“Mr. Ascham just called, sir, to say he’s unexpectedly stuck and won't be here until eight-thirty.”
Granice made a curt gesture of annoyance. It was becoming harder and harder for him to control these reflexes. He turned on his heel, tossing to the servant over his shoulder: “Very good. Put off dinner.”
Granice made a quick gesture of annoyance. It was becoming increasingly difficult for him to manage these reflexes. He pivoted on his heel, throwing to the servant over his shoulder: “Alright. Delay dinner.”
Down his spine he felt the man’s injured stare. Mr. Granice had always been so mild-spoken to his people—no doubt the odd change in his manner had already been noticed and discussed below stairs. And very likely they suspected the cause. He stood drumming on the writing-table till he heard the servant go out; then he threw himself into a chair, propping his elbows on the table and resting his chin on his locked hands.
Down his spine, he felt the man’s wounded gaze. Mr. Granice had always spoken softly to his staff—no doubt the sudden shift in his behavior had already been noticed and talked about downstairs. And they probably suspected why. He sat tapping on the writing table until he heard the servant leave; then he flopped into a chair, resting his elbows on the table and his chin on his locked hands.
Another half hour alone with it!
Another half hour alone with it!
He wondered irritably what could have detained his guest. Some professional matter, no doubt—the punctilious lawyer would have allowed nothing less to interfere with a dinner engagement, more especially since Granice, in his note, had said: “I shall want a little business chat afterward.”
He thought irritably about what could have delayed his guest. Probably some work issue—the meticulous lawyer wouldn't let anything less disrupt a dinner meeting, especially since Granice had mentioned in his note, “I’ll need to have a little business chat afterward.”
But what professional matter could have come up at that unprofessional hour? Perhaps some other soul in misery had called on the lawyer; and, after all, Granice’s note had given no hint of his own need! No doubt Ascham thought he merely wanted to make another change in his will. Since he had come into his little property, ten years earlier, Granice had been perpetually tinkering with his will.
But what work-related issue could have arisen at that odd hour? Maybe someone else in distress had contacted the lawyer; and, after all, Granice’s note didn’t indicate his own situation! Ascham probably assumed he just wanted to make another adjustment to his will. Ever since he inherited his small property ten years ago, Granice had been constantly fiddling with his will.
Suddenly another thought pulled him up, sending a flush to his sallow temples. He remembered a word he had tossed to the lawyer some six weeks earlier, at the Century Club. “Yes—my play’s as good as taken. I shall be calling on you soon to go over the contract. Those theatrical chaps are so slippery—I won’t trust anybody but you to tie the knot for me!” That, of course, was what Ascham would think he was wanted for. Granice, at the idea, broke into an audible laugh—a queer stage-laugh, like the cackle of a baffled villain in a melodrama. The absurdity, the unnaturalness of the sound abashed him, and he compressed his lips angrily. Would he take to soliloquy next?
Suddenly another thought hit him, making his pale temples flush. He recalled a comment he had made to the lawyer about six weeks ago at the Century Club. “Yeah—my play’s pretty much secured. I’ll be reaching out to you soon to go over the contract. Those theater guys are so shady—I won’t trust anyone but you to handle it for me!” Naturally, that’s what Ascham would assume he was needed for. At the thought, Granice burst into an audible laugh—a strange stage laugh, like the cackle of a frustrated villain in a melodrama. The ridiculousness, the awkwardness of the sound embarrassed him, and he pressed his lips together in annoyance. Would he start talking to himself next?
He lowered his arms and pulled open the upper drawer of the writing-table. In the right-hand corner lay a thick manuscript, bound in paper folders, and tied with a string beneath which a letter had been slipped. Next to the manuscript was a small revolver. Granice stared a moment at these oddly associated objects; then he took the letter from under the string and slowly began to open it. He had known he should do so from the moment his hand touched the drawer. Whenever his eye fell on that letter some relentless force compelled him to re-read it.
He lowered his arms and pulled open the top drawer of the writing table. In the right-hand corner was a thick manuscript, wrapped in paper folders and tied with a string under which a letter had been tucked. Next to the manuscript was a small revolver. Granice stared at these strangely connected items for a moment; then he took the letter from beneath the string and slowly began to open it. He had known he would have to do this from the moment his hand touched the drawer. Every time he saw that letter, some unstoppable force made him re-read it.
It was dated about four weeks back, under the letter-head of
It was dated around four weeks ago, on the letterhead of
“The Diversity Theatre.”
“Diversity Theater.”
“MY DEAR MR. GRANICE:
“I have given the matter my best consideration for the last month, and it’s no use—the play won’t do. I have talked it over with Miss Melrose—and you know there isn’t a gamer artist on our stage—and I regret to tell you she feels just as I do about it. It isn’t the poetry that scares her—or me either. We both want to do all we can to help along the poetic drama—we believe the public’s ready for it, and we’re willing to take a big financial risk in order to be the first to give them what they want. But we don’t believe they could be made to want this. The fact is, there isn’t enough drama in your play to the allowance of poetry—the thing drags all through. You’ve got a big idea, but it’s not out of swaddling clothes.
“I’ve thought about this a lot over the past month, and honestly, the play just won’t work. I discussed it with Miss Melrose—and you know there isn’t a more dedicated artist on our stage—and I’m sorry to say she feels the same way I do. It's not the poetry that troubles her—or me either. We both want to do everything we can to promote poetic drama—we believe the audience is ready for it, and we’re prepared to take a big financial risk to be the first to deliver what they want. But we don’t think they would want this. The truth is, there isn’t enough drama in your play to balance the poetry—it just drags on. You have a great idea, but it’s still in its infancy.”
“If this was your first play I’d say: Try again. But it has been just the same with all the others you’ve shown me. And you remember the result of ‘The Lee Shore,’ where you carried all the expenses of production yourself, and we couldn’t fill the theatre for a week. Yet ‘The Lee Shore’ was a modern problem play—much easier to swing than blank verse. It isn’t as if you hadn’t tried all kinds—”
“If this was your first play, I’d say: Try again. But it’s been the same with all the others you’ve shown me. And remember the outcome of ‘The Lee Shore,’ where you covered all the production costs yourself, and we couldn’t fill the theater for a week. Yet ‘The Lee Shore’ was a modern problem play—much easier to pull off than blank verse. It’s not like you haven’t tried all sorts—”
Granice folded the letter and put it carefully back into the envelope. Why on earth was he re-reading it, when he knew every phrase in it by heart, when for a month past he had seen it, night after night, stand out in letters of flame against the darkness of his sleepless lids?
Granice folded the letter and carefully placed it back into the envelope. Why was he re-reading it when he knew every line by heart, when for the past month he had seen it, night after night, stand out in bright letters against the darkness of his sleepless eyes?
“It has been just the same with all the others you’ve shown me.”
It's been exactly the same with all the others you've shown me.
That was the way they dismissed ten years of passionate unremitting work!
That’s how they brushed off ten years of hard, dedicated work!
“You remember the result of ‘The Lee Shore.‘”
“You remember the outcome of ‘The Lee Shore.’”
Good God—as if he were likely to forget it! He re-lived it all now in a drowning flash: the persistent rejection of the play, his sudden resolve to put it on at his own cost, to spend ten thousand dollars of his inheritance on testing his chance of success—the fever of preparation, the dry-mouthed agony of the “first night,” the flat fall, the stupid press, his secret rush to Europe to escape the condolence of his friends!
Good God—as if he would ever forget it! He experienced it all over again in a rush: the constant rejection of the play, his sudden decision to produce it at his own expense, spending ten thousand dollars of his inheritance to see if he could succeed—the intense preparation, the dry-mouthed anxiety of the “first night,” the disappointing outcome, the terrible reviews, his discreet flight to Europe to avoid his friends' sympathy!
“It isn’t as if you hadn’t tried all kinds.”
It's not like you haven't tried everything.
No—he had tried all kinds: comedy, tragedy, prose and verse, the light curtain-raiser, the short sharp drama, the bourgeois-realistic and the lyrical-romantic—finally deciding that he would no longer “prostitute his talent” to win popularity, but would impose on the public his own theory of art in the form of five acts of blank verse. Yes, he had offered them everything—and always with the same result.
No—he had experimented with all kinds of writing: comedy, tragedy, prose and poetry, the lighthearted opener, the quick dramatic piece, the realistic and the lyrical—ultimately deciding that he would no longer "sell out his talent" for popularity, but instead would present his own artistic theory to the public in the form of five acts of blank verse. Yes, he had given them everything—and always with the same outcome.
Ten years of it—ten years of dogged work and unrelieved failure. The ten years from forty to fifty—the best ten years of his life! And if one counted the years before, the silent years of dreams, assimilation, preparation—then call it half a man’s life-time: half a man’s life-time thrown away!
Ten years of it—ten years of hard work and constant failure. The ten years from forty to fifty—the best ten years of his life! And if you include the years before, the quiet years of dreams, learning, and getting ready—then that's half a man's lifetime: half a man's lifetime wasted!
And what was he to do with the remaining half? Well, he had settled that, thank God! He turned and glanced anxiously at the clock. Ten minutes past eight—only ten minutes had been consumed in that stormy rush through his whole past! And he must wait another twenty minutes for Ascham. It was one of the worst symptoms of his case that, in proportion as he had grown to shrink from human company, he dreaded more and more to be alone. ... But why the devil was he waiting for Ascham? Why didn’t he cut the knot himself? Since he was so unutterably sick of the whole business, why did he have to call in an outsider to rid him of this nightmare of living?
And what was he supposed to do with the other half? Well, he had figured that out, thank goodness! He turned and anxiously looked at the clock. Ten minutes past eight—only ten minutes had gone by in that chaotic rush through his entire past! And he had to wait another twenty minutes for Ascham. One of the worst signs of his situation was that, as he had started to avoid people, he increasingly dreaded being alone. ... But why on earth was he waiting for Ascham? Why didn’t he just deal with it himself? Since he was so utterly fed up with everything, why did he need to involve someone else to free him from this nightmare of living?
He opened the drawer again and laid his hand on the revolver. It was a small slim ivory toy—just the instrument for a tired sufferer to give himself a “hypodermic” with. Granice raised it slowly in one hand, while with the other he felt under the thin hair at the back of his head, between the ear and the nape. He knew just where to place the muzzle: he had once got a young surgeon to show him. And as he found the spot, and lifted the revolver to it, the inevitable phenomenon occurred. The hand that held the weapon began to shake, the tremor communicated itself to his arm, his heart gave a wild leap which sent up a wave of deadly nausea to his throat, he smelt the powder, he sickened at the crash of the bullet through his skull, and a sweat of fear broke out over his forehead and ran down his quivering face...
He opened the drawer again and rested his hand on the revolver. It was a small, sleek ivory toy—just what a weary person might use to give themselves a “shot.” Granice lifted it slowly in one hand, while with the other he felt under the thin hair at the back of his head, between his ear and the nape of his neck. He knew exactly where to place the muzzle; a young surgeon had once shown him. As he found the spot and brought the revolver up to it, the inevitable happened. The hand holding the weapon started to shake, the tremor spread to his arm, his heart raced, causing a wave of nausea to rise in his throat, he smelled the gunpowder, felt sick at the thought of the bullet crashing through his skull, and a cold sweat of fear broke out on his forehead, streaming down his trembling face...
He laid away the revolver with an oath and, pulling out a cologne-scented handkerchief, passed it tremulously over his brow and temples. It was no use—he knew he could never do it in that way. His attempts at self-destruction were as futile as his snatches at fame! He couldn’t make himself a real life, and he couldn’t get rid of the life he had. And that was why he had sent for Ascham to help him...
He put the revolver aside with a curse and, pulling out a cologne-scented handkerchief, nervously wiped his brow and temples. It was no use—he knew he could never go through with it. His efforts at ending his life were as pointless as his fleeting attempts at fame! He couldn’t create a real life for himself, and he couldn’t escape the life he had. And that’s why he had called Ascham for help...
The lawyer, over the Camembert and Burgundy, began to excuse himself for his delay.
The lawyer, over the Camembert and Burgundy, started to apologize for his delay.
“I didn’t like to say anything while your man was about—but the fact is, I was sent for on a rather unusual matter—”
“I didn’t want to say anything while your guy was around—but the truth is, I was called for a pretty unusual reason—”
“Oh, it’s all right,” said Granice cheerfully. He was beginning to feel the usual reaction that food and company produced. It was not any recovered pleasure in life that he felt, but only a deeper withdrawal into himself. It was easier to go on automatically with the social gestures than to uncover to any human eye the abyss within him.
“Oh, it’s all good,” Granice said cheerfully. He was starting to feel the usual reaction that food and company brought. It wasn’t a renewed joy in life that he experienced, but rather a deeper retreat into himself. It was easier to continue with the social gestures automatically than to reveal the chasm within him to any human eye.
“My dear fellow, it’s sacrilege to keep a dinner waiting—especially the production of an artist like yours.” Mr. Ascham sipped his Burgundy luxuriously. “But the fact is, Mrs. Ashgrove sent for me.”
“My dear friend, it’s outrageous to delay dinner—especially when it's created by an artist like you.” Mr. Ascham sipped his Burgundy with pleasure. “But the truth is, Mrs. Ashgrove called for me.”
Granice raised his head with a quick movement of surprise. For a moment he was shaken out of his self-absorption.
Granice quickly lifted his head in surprise. For a moment, he was jolted out of his self-absorption.
“Mrs. Ashgrove?”
“Ms. Ashgrove?”
Ascham smiled. “I thought you’d be interested; I know your passion for causes celebres. And this promises to be one. Of course it’s out of our line entirely—we never touch criminal cases. But she wanted to consult me as a friend. Ashgrove was a distant connection of my wife’s. And, by Jove, it is a queer case!” The servant re-entered, and Ascham snapped his lips shut.
Ascham smiled. “I thought you’d be interested; I know how passionate you are about causes celebres. And this is sure to be one. Of course, it’s completely out of our area—we never deal with criminal cases. But she wanted to consult me as a friend. Ashgrove was a distant relative of my wife’s. And, wow, it is a strange case!” The servant re-entered, and Ascham quickly closed his lips.
Would the gentlemen have their coffee in the dining-room?
Would the gentlemen like their coffee in the dining room?
“No—serve it in the library,” said Granice, rising. He led the way back to the curtained confidential room. He was really curious to hear what Ascham had to tell him.
“No—bring it to the library,” said Granice, getting up. He walked back to the curtained confidential room. He was genuinely interested to hear what Ascham had to say.
While the coffee and cigars were being served he fidgeted about the library, glancing at his letters—the usual meaningless notes and bills—and picking up the evening paper. As he unfolded it a headline caught his eye.
While the coffee and cigars were being served, he moved around the library, glancing at his letters—the usual pointless notes and bills—and picking up the evening paper. As he unfolded it, a headline caught his eye.
“ROSE MELROSE WANTS TO PLAY POETRY.
“THINKS SHE HAS FOUND HER POET.”
He read on with a thumping heart—found the name of a young author he had barely heard of, saw the title of a play, a “poetic drama,” dance before his eyes, and dropped the paper, sick, disgusted. It was true, then—she was “game”—it was not the manner but the matter she mistrusted!
He continued reading with his heart racing—discovered the name of a young author he had barely heard of, saw the title of a play, a “poetic drama,” flash before his eyes, and dropped the paper, feeling sick and disgusted. It was true, then—she was “game”—it wasn’t the way he approached it but the content she questioned!
Granice turned to the servant, who seemed to be purposely lingering. “I shan’t need you this evening, Flint. I’ll lock up myself.”
Granice turned to the servant, who seemed to be hanging around on purpose. “I won’t need you this evening, Flint. I’ll lock up myself.”
He fancied the man’s acquiescence implied surprise. What was going on, Flint seemed to wonder, that Mr. Granice should want him out of the way? Probably he would find a pretext for coming back to see. Granice suddenly felt himself enveloped in a network of espionage.
He thought the man's agreement suggested surprise. What was happening, Flint seemed to wonder, that Mr. Granice wanted him gone? He would probably find an excuse to come back and check things out. Granice suddenly felt trapped in a web of surveillance.
As the door closed he threw himself into an armchair and leaned forward to take a light from Ascham’s cigar.
As the door shut, he plopped down into an armchair and leaned forward to grab a light from Ascham’s cigar.
“Tell me about Mrs. Ashgrove,” he said, seeming to himself to speak stiffly, as if his lips were cracked.
“Tell me about Mrs. Ashgrove,” he said, feeling like he was speaking awkwardly, as if his lips were chapped.
“Mrs. Ashgrove? Well, there’s not much to tell.”
“Mrs. Ashgrove? Well, there’s not much to say.”
“And you couldn’t if there were?” Granice smiled.
“And you wouldn't if there were?” Granice smiled.
“Probably not. As a matter of fact, she wanted my advice about her choice of counsel. There was nothing especially confidential in our talk.”
“Probably not. In fact, she asked for my advice about which lawyer to choose. There was nothing particularly confidential in our conversation.”
“And what’s your impression, now you’ve seen her?”
“And what's your impression now that you've seen her?”
“My impression is, very distinctly, that nothing will ever be known.”
“My impression is, quite clearly, that nothing will ever be known.”
“Ah—?” Granice murmured, puffing at his cigar.
“Ah—?” Granice said, taking a puff of his cigar.
“I’m more and more convinced that whoever poisoned Ashgrove knew his business, and will consequently never be found out. That’s a capital cigar you’ve given me.”
“I’m increasingly convinced that whoever poisoned Ashgrove knew what they were doing, and will therefore never be caught. That’s a great cigar you’ve given me.”
“You like it? I get them over from Cuba.” Granice examined his own reflectively. “Then you believe in the theory that the clever criminals never are caught?”
“You like it? I get them from Cuba.” Granice looked at his own thoughtfully. “So you believe in the idea that clever criminals never are caught?”
“Of course I do. Look about you—look back for the last dozen years—none of the big murder problems are ever solved.” The lawyer ruminated behind his blue cloud. “Why, take the instance in your own family: I’d forgotten I had an illustration at hand! Take old Joseph Lenman’s murder—do you suppose that will ever be explained?”
“Of course I do. Look around you—think back over the last dozen years—none of the major murder cases ever get solved.” The lawyer thought deeply, surrounded by his blue cloud. “Why, consider the case in your own family: I’d forgotten I had a perfect example! Look at old Joseph Lenman’s murder—do you think that will ever be explained?”
As the words dropped from Ascham’s lips his host looked slowly about the library, and every object in it stared back at him with a stale unescapable familiarity. How sick he was of looking at that room! It was as dull as the face of a wife one has wearied of. He cleared his throat slowly; then he turned his head to the lawyer and said: “I could explain the Lenman murder myself.”
As the words left Ascham's mouth, his host glanced slowly around the library, and every item in it seemed to look back at him with a tired, unavoidable familiarity. He was so tired of that room! It felt as dull as the face of a wife one has grown tired of. He cleared his throat slowly; then he turned to the lawyer and said, “I could explain the Lenman murder myself.”
Ascham’s eye kindled: he shared Granice’s interest in criminal cases.
Ascham’s eyes lit up: he was just as interested in criminal cases as Granice was.
“By Jove! You’ve had a theory all this time? It’s odd you never mentioned it. Go ahead and tell me. There are certain features in the Lenman case not unlike this Ashgrove affair, and your idea may be a help.”
“Wow! You’ve had a theory all this time? It’s strange you never brought it up. Go ahead and share it. There are some aspects of the Lenman case that are similar to this Ashgrove situation, and your idea might be useful.”
Granice paused and his eye reverted instinctively to the table drawer in which the revolver and the manuscript lay side by side. What if he were to try another appeal to Rose Melrose? Then he looked at the notes and bills on the table, and the horror of taking up again the lifeless routine of life—of performing the same automatic gestures another day—displaced his fleeting vision.
Granice paused, and his eyes instinctively returned to the drawer of the table where the revolver and the manuscript sat side by side. What if he tried reaching out to Rose Melrose again? Then he glanced at the notes and bills on the table, and the dread of slipping back into the monotonous routine of life—going through the same mindless motions for another day—overwhelmed his brief moment of clarity.
“I haven’t a theory. I know who murdered Joseph Lenman.”
“I don’t have a theory. I know who killed Joseph Lenman.”
Ascham settled himself comfortably in his chair, prepared for enjoyment.
Ascham got comfortable in his chair, ready to enjoy himself.
“You know? Well, who did?” he laughed.
“You know? Well, who did?” he laughed.
“I did,” said Granice, rising.
“I did,” said Granice, standing up.
He stood before Ascham, and the lawyer lay back staring up at him. Then he broke into another laugh.
He stood in front of Ascham, and the lawyer leaned back, looking up at him. Then he burst into another laugh.
“Why, this is glorious! You murdered him, did you? To inherit his money, I suppose? Better and better! Go on, my boy! Unbosom yourself! Tell me all about it! Confession is good for the soul.”
“Wow, this is amazing! You killed him, right? To get his money, I guess? Even better! Keep going, my friend! Open up! Tell me everything! Confession is good for the soul.”
Granice waited till the lawyer had shaken the last peal of laughter from his throat; then he repeated doggedly: “I murdered him.”
Granice waited until the lawyer had finished laughing; then he stubbornly said, “I killed him.”
The two men looked at each other for a long moment, and this time Ascham did not laugh.
The two men stared at each other for a long moment, and this time Ascham didn't laugh.
“Granice!”
"Boundaries!"
“I murdered him—to get his money, as you say.”
“I killed him—to take his money, as you put it.”
There was another pause, and Granice, with a vague underlying sense of amusement, saw his guest’s look change from pleasantry to apprehension.
There was another pause, and Granice, with a faint sense of amusement, noticed his guest's expression shift from friendliness to concern.
“What’s the joke, my dear fellow? I fail to see.”
“What’s the joke, my friend? I don’t get it.”
“It’s not a joke. It’s the truth. I murdered him.” He had spoken painfully at first, as if there were a knot in his throat; but each time he repeated the words he found they were easier to say.
“It’s not a joke. It’s the truth. I killed him.” He had spoken painfully at first, like there was a knot in his throat; but each time he repeated the words, he found they were easier to say.
Ascham laid down his extinct cigar.
Ascham put down his burnt-out cigar.
“What’s the matter? Aren’t you well? What on earth are you driving at?”
“What’s wrong? Are you not feeling well? What are you getting at?”
“I’m perfectly well. But I murdered my cousin, Joseph Lenman, and I want it known that I murdered him.”
“I’m doing just fine. But I killed my cousin, Joseph Lenman, and I want it known that I killed him.”
“You want it known?”
“Do you want it known?”
“Yes. That’s why I sent for you. I’m sick of living, and when I try to kill myself I funk it.” He spoke quite naturally now, as if the knot in his throat had been untied.
“Yes. That’s why I called for you. I’m tired of living, and when I try to take my own life, I back out.” He spoke quite naturally now, as if the lump in his throat had been released.
“Good Lord—good Lord,” the lawyer gasped.
“Good Lord—good Lord,” the lawyer exclaimed.
“But I suppose,” Granice continued, “there’s no doubt this would be murder in the first degree? I’m sure of the chair if I own up?”
“But I guess,” Granice continued, “there’s no question this would be first-degree murder? I’m certain I’d get the chair if I confessed?”
Ascham drew a long breath; then he said slowly: “Sit down, Granice. Let’s talk.”
Ascham took a deep breath and then said slowly, “Have a seat, Granice. Let’s chat.”
II
GRANICE told his story simply, connectedly.
GRANICE told his story in a straightforward and cohesive way.
He began by a quick survey of his early years—the years of drudgery and privation. His father, a charming man who could never say “no,” had so signally failed to say it on certain essential occasions that when he died he left an illegitimate family and a mortgaged estate. His lawful kin found themselves hanging over a gulf of debt, and young Granice, to support his mother and sister, had to leave Harvard and bury himself at eighteen in a broker’s office. He loathed his work, and he was always poor, always worried and in ill-health. A few years later his mother died, but his sister, an ineffectual neurasthenic, remained on his hands. His own health gave out, and he had to go away for six months, and work harder than ever when he came back. He had no knack for business, no head for figures, no dimmest insight into the mysteries of commerce. He wanted to travel and write—those were his inmost longings. And as the years dragged on, and he neared middle-age without making any more money, or acquiring any firmer health, a sick despair possessed him. He tried writing, but he always came home from the office so tired that his brain could not work. For half the year he did not reach his dim up-town flat till after dark, and could only “brush up” for dinner, and afterward lie on the lounge with his pipe, while his sister droned through the evening paper. Sometimes he spent an evening at the theatre; or he dined out, or, more rarely, strayed off with an acquaintance or two in quest of what is known as “pleasure.” And in summer, when he and Kate went to the sea-side for a month, he dozed through the days in utter weariness. Once he fell in love with a charming girl—but what had he to offer her, in God’s name? She seemed to like him, and in common decency he had to drop out of the running. Apparently no one replaced him, for she never married, but grew stoutish, grayish, philanthropic—yet how sweet she had been when he had first kissed her! One more wasted life, he reflected...
He started by reflecting on his early years—the years of hard work and struggle. His father, a likable guy who could never say “no,” had failed to do so at critical times, leaving behind an illegitimate family and a mortgaged property when he died. His legitimate family was left hanging over a pit of debt, and young Granice had to leave Harvard at eighteen to support his mother and sister by working in a broker’s office. He hated his job, was always broke, and constantly stressed and unhealthy. A few years later, his mother passed away, leaving him with his sister, who was a weak, anxious person. His own health declined, and he had to take six months off, only to work even harder when he returned. He had no talent for business, no grasp of numbers, and zero understanding of commerce. He yearned to travel and write—those were his deepest desires. As the years dragged on and he crept toward middle age without making extra money or improving his health, he was consumed by a deep despair. He tried writing, but after long days at the office, he was too exhausted to think. For half the year, he wouldn’t get to his dim upstairs apartment until after dark, and could only “freshen up” for dinner, then lie on the couch with his pipe while his sister read the evening paper. Sometimes he spent an evening at the theater or went out to dinner, or more rarely, met up with a couple of friends in search of what people call “fun.” In the summer, when he and Kate went to the seaside for a month, he would doze through the days in complete exhaustion. Once, he fell in love with a lovely girl—but what could he possibly offer her? She seemed to like him, but out of common decency, he felt he had to step back. Apparently, no one took his place, as she never married but became rather plump, gray, and philanthropic—yet how sweet she had been when he first kissed her! Just another wasted life, he thought...
But the stage had always been his master-passion. He would have sold his soul for the time and freedom to write plays! It was in him—he could not remember when it had not been his deepest-seated instinct. As the years passed it became a morbid, a relentless obsession—yet with every year the material conditions were more and more against it. He felt himself growing middle-aged, and he watched the reflection of the process in his sister’s wasted face. At eighteen she had been pretty, and as full of enthusiasm as he. Now she was sour, trivial, insignificant—she had missed her chance of life. And she had no resources, poor creature, was fashioned simply for the primitive functions she had been denied the chance to fulfil! It exasperated him to think of it—and to reflect that even now a little travel, a little health, a little money, might transform her, make her young and desirable... The chief fruit of his experience was that there is no such fixed state as age or youth—there is only health as against sickness, wealth as against poverty; and age or youth as the outcome of the lot one draws.
But the stage had always been his biggest passion. He would have sold his soul for the time and freedom to write plays! It was in him—he couldn’t remember a time when it hadn’t been his deepest instinct. As the years went by, it became a morbid, relentless obsession—yet with each passing year, the circumstances were more and more against him. He felt himself growing middle-aged and saw the reflection of this change in his sister’s waning face. At eighteen, she had been pretty, as full of enthusiasm as he was. Now she was bitter, trivial, and insignificant—she had missed her chance at life. And she had no resources, poor thing, created simply for the basic roles she hadn’t been given the chance to fulfill! It frustrated him to think about it—and to consider that even now, a little travel, a little health, a little money, could transform her, make her young and desirable... The main lesson from his experience was that there’s no such thing as a fixed state of age or youth—there’s only health versus sickness, wealth versus poverty; and age or youth is just the result of the luck one gets.
At this point in his narrative Granice stood up, and went to lean against the mantel-piece, looking down at Ascham, who had not moved from his seat, or changed his attitude of rigid fascinated attention.
At this point in his story, Granice stood up and leaned against the mantelpiece, looking down at Ascham, who hadn’t moved from his seat or changed his posture of intense fascination.
“Then came the summer when we went to Wrenfield to be near old Lenman—my mother’s cousin, as you know. Some of the family always mounted guard over him—generally a niece or so. But that year they were all scattered, and one of the nieces offered to lend us her cottage if we’d relieve her of duty for two months. It was a nuisance for me, of course, for Wrenfield is two hours from town; but my mother, who was a slave to family observances, had always been good to the old man, so it was natural we should be called on—and there was the saving of rent and the good air for Kate. So we went.
“Then came the summer when we went to Wrenfield to be near old Lenman—my mother’s cousin, as you know. Some of the family always kept watch over him, usually a niece or two. But that year they were all scattered, and one of the nieces offered to let us use her cottage if we’d take over her duties for two months. It was a hassle for me, of course, since Wrenfield is two hours from town; but my mother, who was devoted to family obligations, had always been good to the old man, so it made sense we should step in—and there was the bonus of saving on rent and the fresh air for Kate. So we went.
“You never knew Joseph Lenman? Well, picture to yourself an amoeba or some primitive organism of that sort, under a Titan’s microscope. He was large, undifferentiated, inert—since I could remember him he had done nothing but take his temperature and read the Churchman. Oh, and cultivate melons—that was his hobby. Not vulgar, out-of-door melons—his were grown under glass. He had miles of it at Wrenfield—his big kitchen-garden was surrounded by blinking battalions of green-houses. And in nearly all of them melons were grown—early melons and late, French, English, domestic—dwarf melons and monsters: every shape, colour and variety. They were petted and nursed like children—a staff of trained attendants waited on them. I’m not sure they didn’t have a doctor to take their temperature—at any rate the place was full of thermometers. And they didn’t sprawl on the ground like ordinary melons; they were trained against the glass like nectarines, and each melon hung in a net which sustained its weight and left it free on all sides to the sun and air...
“You never knew Joseph Lenman? Well, picture an amoeba or some primitive organism like that, under a Titan's microscope. He was big, undeveloped, lifeless—since I can remember, he just took his temperature and read the Churchman. Oh, and he grew melons—that was his hobby. Not the usual outdoor melons—his were grown under glass. He had acres of it at Wrenfield—his massive kitchen garden was surrounded by blinking rows of greenhouses. And in almost all of them, melons were grown—early melons and late, French, English, domestic—dwarf melons and giants: every shape, color, and variety. They were treated like children—a staff of trained workers attended to them. I’m not sure they didn’t have a doctor taking their temperature—anyway, the place was full of thermometers. And they didn’t spread out on the ground like regular melons; they were trained against the glass like nectarines, and each melon hung in a net that held its weight and left it free on all sides to the sun and air...
“It used to strike me sometimes that old Lenman was just like one of his own melons—the pale-fleshed English kind. His life, apathetic and motionless, hung in a net of gold, in an equable warm ventilated atmosphere, high above sordid earthly worries. The cardinal rule of his existence was not to let himself be ‘worried.’ . . I remember his advising me to try it myself, one day when I spoke to him about Kate’s bad health, and her need of a change. ‘I never let myself worry,’ he said complacently. ‘It’s the worst thing for the liver—and you look to me as if you had a liver. Take my advice and be cheerful. You’ll make yourself happier and others too.’ And all he had to do was to write a cheque, and send the poor girl off for a holiday!
“It used to hit me sometimes that old Lenman was just like one of his own melons—the pale-fleshed English type. His life, indifferent and still, floated in a net of gold, in a comfortably warm, well-ventilated atmosphere, high above the ugly worries of the world. The main rule of his life was not to let himself be ‘worried.’ . . I remember him telling me to try it myself, one day when I mentioned Kate’s poor health and her need for a break. ‘I never let myself worry,’ he said with a sense of satisfaction. ‘It’s the worst thing for the liver—and you look to me like you have a liver. Take my advice and be cheerful. You’ll make yourself happier and others too.’ And all he had to do was to write a check and send the poor girl off for a holiday!
“The hardest part of it was that the money half-belonged to us already. The old skin-flint only had it for life, in trust for us and the others. But his life was a good deal sounder than mine or Kate’s—and one could picture him taking extra care of it for the joke of keeping us waiting. I always felt that the sight of our hungry eyes was a tonic to him.
“The hardest part was that the money was already partly ours. The old stingy guy only had it for his lifetime, like it was in trust for us and the others. But his life was a lot more secure than mine or Kate’s—and I could imagine him taking special care of it just to keep us waiting. I always felt like our hungry eyes were a boost for him.”
“Well, I tried to see if I couldn’t reach him through his vanity. I flattered him, feigned a passionate interest in his melons. And he was taken in, and used to discourse on them by the hour. On fine days he was driven to the green-houses in his pony-chair, and waddled through them, prodding and leering at the fruit, like a fat Turk in his seraglio. When he bragged to me of the expense of growing them I was reminded of a hideous old Lothario bragging of what his pleasures cost. And the resemblance was completed by the fact that he couldn’t eat as much as a mouthful of his melons—had lived for years on buttermilk and toast. ‘But, after all, it’s my only hobby—why shouldn’t I indulge it?’ he said sentimentally. As if I’d ever been able to indulge any of mine! On the keep of those melons Kate and I could have lived like gods...
“Well, I tried to see if I could reach him through his vanity. I flattered him and pretended to be really interested in his melons. And he fell for it, talking about them for hours. On nice days, he was driven to the greenhouses in his pony cart, waddling through them, poking and leering at the fruit like a fat guy in a harem. When he boasted to me about how much it cost to grow them, I couldn’t help but think of a creepy old guy bragging about his pleasures. The comparison was complete because he couldn’t eat more than a mouthful of his melons—he had survived for years on buttermilk and toast. ‘But, after all, it's my only hobby—why shouldn't I enjoy it?’ he said with sentiment. As if I’d ever been able to enjoy any of mine! With the money spent on those melons, Kate and I could have lived like gods…”
“One day toward the end of the summer, when Kate was too unwell to drag herself up to the big house, she asked me to go and spend the afternoon with cousin Joseph. It was a lovely soft September afternoon—a day to lie under a Roman stone-pine, with one’s eyes on the sky, and let the cosmic harmonies rush through one. Perhaps the vision was suggested by the fact that, as I entered cousin Joseph’s hideous black walnut library, I passed one of the under-gardeners, a handsome full-throated Italian, who dashed out in such a hurry that he nearly knocked me down. I remember thinking it queer that the fellow, whom I had often seen about the melon-houses, did not bow to me, or even seem to see me.
“One day toward the end of summer, when Kate was too unwell to make it up to the big house, she asked me to go spend the afternoon with cousin Joseph. It was a beautiful, mild September afternoon—a perfect day to lie under a Roman stone pine, gazing up at the sky, and let the cosmic vibes wash over you. Maybe this thought came to me because, as I walked into cousin Joseph’s ugly black walnut library, I passed by one of the under-gardeners, a handsome Italian, who rushed out so quickly he almost knocked me over. I remember thinking it was strange that the guy, whom I had often seen around the melon houses, didn’t acknowledge me or even seem to notice I was there."
“Cousin Joseph sat in his usual seat, behind the darkened windows, his fat hands folded on his protuberant waistcoat, the last number of the Churchman at his elbow, and near it, on a huge dish, a fat melon—the fattest melon I’d ever seen. As I looked at it I pictured the ecstasy of contemplation from which I must have roused him, and congratulated myself on finding him in such a mood, since I had made up my mind to ask him a favour. Then I noticed that his face, instead of looking as calm as an egg-shell, was distorted and whimpering—and without stopping to greet me he pointed passionately to the melon.
“Cousin Joseph sat in his usual spot, behind the darkened windows, his chubby hands resting on his protruding waistcoat, the latest issue of the Churchman beside him, and nearby, on a large dish, a large melon—the biggest melon I’d ever seen. As I gazed at it, I imagined the blissful thoughts I must have interrupted, and I felt pleased to find him in such a mood, since I was planning to ask him for a favor. Then I noticed that his face, instead of being as calm as an eggshell, was twisted and sniffling—and without taking a moment to say hello, he pointed eagerly at the melon.”
“‘Look at it, look at it—did you ever see such a beauty? Such firmness—roundness—such delicious smoothness to the touch?’ It was as if he had said ‘she’ instead of ‘it,’ and when he put out his senile hand and touched the melon I positively had to look the other way.
“‘Look at it, look at it—have you ever seen such a beauty? Such firmness—roundness—such delicious smoothness to the touch?’ It felt like he had said ‘she’ instead of ‘it,’ and when he reached out his old hand and touched the melon, I really had to look away.”
“Then he told me what had happened. The Italian under-gardener, who had been specially recommended for the melon-houses—though it was against my cousin’s principles to employ a Papist—had been assigned to the care of the monster: for it had revealed itself, early in its existence, as destined to become a monster, to surpass its plumpest, pulpiest sisters, carry off prizes at agricultural shows, and be photographed and celebrated in every gardening paper in the land. The Italian had done well—seemed to have a sense of responsibility. And that very morning he had been ordered to pick the melon, which was to be shown next day at the county fair, and to bring it in for Mr. Lenman to gaze on its blonde virginity. But in picking it, what had the damned scoundrelly Jesuit done but drop it—drop it crash on the sharp spout of a watering-pot, so that it received a deep gash in its firm pale rotundity, and was henceforth but a bruised, ruined, fallen melon?
“Then he told me what had happened. The Italian under-gardener, who had been specifically recommended for the melon houses—although it went against my cousin’s beliefs to hire a Catholic—had been assigned to take care of the prized melon: it had shown early on that it was destined to become exceptional, to outshine its juiciest, fullest sisters, win awards at agricultural shows, and be featured in every gardening magazine across the country. The Italian had performed well—he seemed responsible. That very morning, he had been instructed to pick the melon, which was supposed to be displayed the next day at the county fair, and to bring it in for Mr. Lenman to admire its perfect ripeness. But while picking it, what had that damned treacherous Jesuit done but drop it—drop it right onto the sharp spout of a watering can, causing a deep gash in its firm pale shape, leaving it nothing but a bruised, ruined, fallen melon?
“The old man’s rage was fearful in its impotence—he shook, spluttered and strangled with it. He had just had the Italian up and had sacked him on the spot, without wages or character—had threatened to have him arrested if he was ever caught prowling about Wrenfield. ‘By God, and I’ll do it—I’ll write to Washington—I’ll have the pauper scoundrel deported! I’ll show him what money can do!’ As likely as not there was some murderous Black-hand business under it—it would be found that the fellow was a member of a ‘gang.’ Those Italians would murder you for a quarter. He meant to have the police look into it... And then he grew frightened at his own excitement. ‘But I must calm myself,’ he said. He took his temperature, rang for his drops, and turned to the Churchman. He had been reading an article on Nestorianism when the melon was brought in. He asked me to go on with it, and I read to him for an hour, in the dim close room, with a fat fly buzzing stealthily about the fallen melon.
“The old man’s rage was terrifying in its helplessness—he shook, sputtered, and choked on it. He had just fired the Italian right on the spot, without pay or a reference—had threatened to get him arrested if he was ever seen hanging around Wrenfield. ‘By God, I’ll do it—I’ll write to Washington—I’ll have that worthless scoundrel deported! I’ll show him what money can do!’ Most likely there was some kind of murderous mob connection involved—it would turn out that the guy was part of a ‘gang.’ Those Italians would kill you for a quarter. He intended to have the police investigate... And then he became frightened by his own agitation. ‘But I need to calm myself,’ he said. He took his temperature, called for his medication, and turned to the Churchman. He had been reading an article on Nestorianism when the melon was brought in. He asked me to continue, and I read to him for an hour, in the dim, close room, with a fat fly buzzing stealthily around the fallen melon.”
“All the while one phrase of the old man’s buzzed in my brain like the fly about the melon. ‘I’ll show him what money can do!’ Good heaven! If I could but show the old man! If I could make him see his power of giving happiness as a new outlet for his monstrous egotism! I tried to tell him something about my situation and Kate’s—spoke of my ill-health, my unsuccessful drudgery, my longing to write, to make myself a name—I stammered out an entreaty for a loan. ‘I can guarantee to repay you, sir—I’ve a half-written play as security...’
“All the while, one phrase from the old man buzzed in my head like a fly around a melon. ‘I’ll show him what money can do!’ Good heavens! If only I could show the old man! If I could make him understand his ability to bring happiness as a new way to express his overwhelming self-importance! I tried to explain my situation and Kate’s—I talked about my poor health, my frustrating work, my desire to write and make a name for myself—I stammered out a request for a loan. ‘I can guarantee I’ll pay you back, sir—I’ve a half-written play as collateral...’”
“I shall never forget his glassy stare. His face had grown as smooth as an egg-shell again—his eyes peered over his fat cheeks like sentinels over a slippery rampart.
“I will never forget his glassy stare. His face had become as smooth as an egg shell again—his eyes looked over his chubby cheeks like sentinels guarding a slippery rampart.
“‘A half-written play—a play of yours as security?’ He looked at me almost fearfully, as if detecting the first symptoms of insanity. ‘Do you understand anything of business?’ he enquired mildly. I laughed and answered: ‘No, not much.’
“‘A half-written play—a play of yours as collateral?’ He looked at me almost nervously, as if he sensed the initial signs of craziness. ‘Do you know anything about business?’ he asked casually. I laughed and replied: ‘No, not really.’”
“He leaned back with closed lids. ‘All this excitement has been too much for me,’ he said. ‘If you’ll excuse me, I’ll prepare for my nap.’ And I stumbled out of the room, blindly, like the Italian.”
“He leaned back with his eyes closed. ‘All this excitement has been too much for me,’ he said. ‘If you’ll excuse me, I’ll get ready for my nap.’ And I stumbled out of the room, blindly, like the Italian.”
Granice moved away from the mantel-piece, and walked across to the tray set out with decanters and soda-water. He poured himself a tall glass of soda-water, emptied it, and glanced at Ascham’s dead cigar.
Granice stepped away from the mantel and walked over to the tray with the decanters and soda water. He poured himself a tall glass of soda water, drank it, and looked at Ascham’s lifeless cigar.
“Better light another,” he suggested.
"Better light another one," he suggested.
The lawyer shook his head, and Granice went on with his tale. He told of his mounting obsession—how the murderous impulse had waked in him on the instant of his cousin’s refusal, and he had muttered to himself: “By God, if you won’t, I’ll make you.” He spoke more tranquilly as the narrative proceeded, as though his rage had died down once the resolve to act on it was taken. He applied his whole mind to the question of how the old man was to be “disposed of.” Suddenly he remembered the outcry: “Those Italians will murder you for a quarter!” But no definite project presented itself: he simply waited for an inspiration.
The lawyer shook his head, and Granice continued with his story. He talked about his growing obsession—how the urge to kill had awakened in him the moment his cousin refused him, and he muttered to himself: “By God, if you won’t, I’ll make you.” He spoke more calmly as he went on, as if his anger had subsided once he made the decision to act on it. He focused entirely on how to get rid of the old man. Suddenly, he recalled the saying: “Those Italians will murder you for a quarter!” But he didn’t have a clear plan; he just waited for inspiration.
Granice and his sister moved to town a day or two after the incident of the melon. But the cousins, who had returned, kept them informed of the old man’s condition. One day, about three weeks later, Granice, on getting home, found Kate excited over a report from Wrenfield. The Italian had been there again—had somehow slipped into the house, made his way up to the library, and “used threatening language.” The house-keeper found cousin Joseph gasping, the whites of his eyes showing “something awful.” The doctor was sent for, and the attack warded off; and the police had ordered the Italian from the neighbourhood.
Granice and his sister moved to town a day or two after the melon incident. But their cousins, who had come back, kept them updated on the old man's condition. One day, about three weeks later, Granice got home to find Kate excited about a report from Wrenfield. The Italian had been there again—somehow sneaked into the house, made his way up to the library, and “used threatening language.” The housekeeper found cousin Joseph gasping, with the whites of his eyes showing “something awful.” The doctor was called, and the attack was averted; the police had ordered the Italian to leave the neighborhood.
But cousin Joseph, thereafter, languished, had “nerves,” and lost his taste for toast and butter-milk. The doctor called in a colleague, and the consultation amused and excited the old man—he became once more an important figure. The medical men reassured the family—too completely!—and to the patient they recommended a more varied diet: advised him to take whatever “tempted him.” And so one day, tremulously, prayerfully, he decided on a tiny bit of melon. It was brought up with ceremony, and consumed in the presence of the house-keeper and a hovering cousin; and twenty minutes later he was dead...
But cousin Joseph, from then on, was unwell, had “nerves,” and lost his taste for toast and buttermilk. The doctor called in a colleague, and the consultation entertained and excited the old man—he became important again. The doctors reassured the family—maybe too much!—and suggested to the patient a more varied diet: they advised him to eat whatever “tempted him.” So, one day, nervously and with a prayer, he chose a small piece of melon. It was brought up with ceremony and eaten in front of the housekeeper and a concerned cousin; and twenty minutes later, he was dead...
“But you remember the circumstances,” Granice went on; “how suspicion turned at once on the Italian? In spite of the hint the police had given him he had been seen hanging about the house since ‘the scene.’ It was said that he had tender relations with the kitchen-maid, and the rest seemed easy to explain. But when they looked round to ask him for the explanation he was gone—gone clean out of sight. He had been ‘warned’ to leave Wrenfield, and he had taken the warning so to heart that no one ever laid eyes on him again.”
“But you remember what happened,” Granice continued; “how everyone immediately suspected the Italian? Even with the hint the police gave him, he had been spotted loitering around the house since ‘the incident.’ People said he had a close relationship with the kitchen maid, and everything else seemed easy to figure out. But when they turned to ask him for an explanation, he was gone—completely out of sight. He had been ‘tipped off’ to leave Wrenfield, and he took the warning so seriously that no one ever saw him again.”
Granice paused. He had dropped into a chair opposite the lawyer’s, and he sat for a moment, his head thrown back, looking about the familiar room. Everything in it had grown grimacing and alien, and each strange insistent object seemed craning forward from its place to hear him.
Granice paused. He had dropped into a chair across from the lawyer’s, and he sat for a moment, his head thrown back, looking around the familiar room. Everything in it felt distorted and foreign, and each strange, persistent object seemed to lean in from its place to listen to him.
“It was I who put the stuff in the melon,” he said. “And I don’t want you to think I’m sorry for it. This isn’t ‘remorse,’ understand. I’m glad the old skin-flint is dead—I’m glad the others have their money. But mine’s no use to me any more. My sister married miserably, and died. And I’ve never had what I wanted.”
“It was me who put the stuff in the melon,” he said. “And I don’t want you to think I regret it. This isn’t ‘remorse,’ you get that? I’m glad the old cheapskate is dead—I’m glad the others have their money. But mine doesn’t do me any good anymore. My sister married poorly and died. And I’ve never had what I wanted.”
Ascham continued to stare; then he said: “What on earth was your object, then?”
Ascham kept staring; then he asked, “What was your goal, then?”
“Why, to get what I wanted—what I fancied was in reach! I wanted change, rest, life, for both of us—wanted, above all, for myself, the chance to write! I travelled, got back my health, and came home to tie myself up to my work. And I’ve slaved at it steadily for ten years without reward—without the most distant hope of success! Nobody will look at my stuff. And now I’m fifty, and I’m beaten, and I know it.” His chin dropped forward on his breast. “I want to chuck the whole business,” he ended.
“Why, to get what I wanted—what I thought was within my grasp! I wanted change, rest, life, for both of us—but mainly for myself, the opportunity to write! I traveled, regained my health, and came home to dedicate myself to my work. And I’ve worked hard at it steadily for ten years without any reward—without the slightest hope of success! Nobody pays attention to my stuff. And now I’m fifty, and I’m defeated, and I know it.” His chin dropped forward onto his chest. “I want to give up the whole thing,” he concluded.
III
IT was after midnight when Ascham left.
IT was after midnight when Ascham left.
His hand on Granice’s shoulder, as he turned to go—“District Attorney be hanged; see a doctor, see a doctor!” he had cried; and so, with an exaggerated laugh, had pulled on his coat and departed.
His hand on Granice’s shoulder, as he turned to leave—“Forget the District Attorney; go see a doctor, go see a doctor!” he had shouted; and so, with a dramatic laugh, he had put on his coat and left.
Granice turned back into the library. It had never occurred to him that Ascham would not believe his story. For three hours he had explained, elucidated, patiently and painfully gone over every detail—but without once breaking down the iron incredulity of the lawyer’s eye.
Granice walked back into the library. It had never crossed his mind that Ascham wouldn’t believe his story. For three hours, he had explained, clarified, and patiently gone over every detail — but he never managed to break through the lawyer's unwavering skepticism.
At first Ascham had feigned to be convinced—but that, as Granice now perceived, was simply to get him to expose himself, to entrap him into contradictions. And when the attempt failed, when Granice triumphantly met and refuted each disconcerting question, the lawyer dropped the mask suddenly, and said with a good-humoured laugh: “By Jove, Granice you’ll write a successful play yet. The way you’ve worked this all out is a marvel.”
At first, Ascham pretended to be convinced—but, as Granice realized, that was just to get him to reveal more and to trap him into contradictions. When that strategy failed, and Granice confidently addressed and countered every challenging question, the lawyer suddenly dropped the act and said with a friendly laugh: “Wow, Granice, you’ll write a successful play someday. The way you’ve figured this all out is incredible.”
Granice swung about furiously—that last sneer about the play inflamed him. Was all the world in a conspiracy to deride his failure?
Granice turned around angrily—that last sarcastic comment about the play really got to him. Was everyone in on a plot to mock his failure?
“I did it, I did it,” he muttered sullenly, his rage spending itself against the impenetrable surface of the other’s mockery; and Ascham answered with a smile: “Ever read any of those books on hallucination? I’ve got a fairly good medico-legal library. I could send you one or two if you like...”
“I did it, I did it,” he mumbled gloomily, his anger fading against the unyielding wall of the other’s mockery; and Ascham responded with a grin: “Have you ever read any of those books on hallucinations? I have a pretty decent medico-legal library. I could send you a couple if you want...”
Left alone, Granice cowered down in the chair before his writing-table. He understood that Ascham thought him off his head.
Left alone, Granice hunched down in the chair at his writing desk. He realized that Ascham thought he was out of his mind.
“Good God—what if they all think me crazy?”
“Good God—what if they all think I'm crazy?”
The horror of it broke out over him in a cold sweat—he sat there and shook, his eyes hidden in his icy hands. But gradually, as he began to rehearse his story for the thousandth time, he saw again how incontrovertible it was, and felt sure that any criminal lawyer would believe him.
The shock of it hit him like a cold sweat—he sat there shaking, his eyes covered by his freezing hands. But slowly, as he started to go over his story for the thousandth time, he saw just how undeniable it was and felt certain that any defense attorney would believe him.
“That’s the trouble—Ascham’s not a criminal lawyer. And then he’s a friend. What a fool I was to talk to a friend! Even if he did believe me, he’d never let me see it—his instinct would be to cover the whole thing up... But in that case—if he did believe me—he might think it a kindness to get me shut up in an asylum...” Granice began to tremble again. “Good heaven! If he should bring in an expert—one of those damned alienists! Ascham and Pettilow can do anything—their word always goes. If Ascham drops a hint that I’d better be shut up, I’ll be in a strait-jacket by to-morrow! And he’d do it from the kindest motives—be quite right to do it if he thinks I’m a murderer!”
“That’s the problem—Ascham isn’t a criminal lawyer. And he’s a friend. What a fool I was to talk to a friend! Even if he believed me, he’d never show it—his instinct would be to cover the whole thing up... But in that case—if he did believe me—he might think it’s a kindness to have me committed to an asylum...” Granice started to tremble again. “Good God! If he brings in an expert—one of those damn psychologists! Ascham and Pettilow can do anything—their word always carries weight. If Ascham hints that I’d better be locked up, I’ll be in a straitjacket by tomorrow! And he’d be doing it out of the kindest intentions—he’d be completely justified if he thinks I’m a murderer!”
The vision froze him to his chair. He pressed his fists to his bursting temples and tried to think. For the first time he hoped that Ascham had not believed his story.
The vision left him completely frozen in his chair. He pressed his fists against his pounding temples and tried to think. For the first time, he hoped that Ascham hadn’t believed his story.
“But he did—he did! I can see it now—I noticed what a queer eye he cocked at me. Good God, what shall I do—what shall I do?”
“But he did—he did! I can see it now—I noticed the weird look he gave me. Oh my God, what am I going to do—what am I going to do?”
He started up and looked at the clock. Half-past one. What if Ascham should think the case urgent, rout out an alienist, and come back with him? Granice jumped to his feet, and his sudden gesture brushed the morning paper from the table. Mechanically he stooped to pick it up, and the movement started a new train of association.
He sat up and checked the clock. It was 1:30. What if Ascham thought the situation was urgent, brought in a psychologist, and came back with him? Granice jumped up, and his quick movement knocked the morning paper off the table. Automatically, he bent down to pick it up, and that action triggered a new set of thoughts.
He sat down again, and reached for the telephone book in the rack by his chair.
He sat down again and grabbed the phone book from the rack next to his chair.
“Give me three-o-ten ... yes.”
"Give me 3 out of 10 ... yes."
The new idea in his mind had revived his flagging energy. He would act—act at once. It was only by thus planning ahead, committing himself to some unavoidable line of conduct, that he could pull himself through the meaningless days. Each time he reached a fresh decision it was like coming out of a foggy weltering sea into a calm harbour with lights. One of the queerest phases of his long agony was the intense relief produced by these momentary lulls.
The new idea in his mind had revived his dwindling energy. He would take action—take action right away. It was only by planning ahead and committing himself to a clear course of action that he could get through the meaningless days. Each time he made a new decision, it felt like emerging from a foggy, churning sea into a quiet harbor with lights. One of the strangest parts of his long suffering was the deep relief that came with these brief moments of calm.
“That the office of the Investigator? Yes? Give me Mr. Denver, please... Hallo, Denver... Yes, Hubert Granice. ... Just caught you? Going straight home? Can I come and see you ... yes, now ... have a talk? It’s rather urgent ... yes, might give you some first-rate ‘copy.’ ... All right!” He hung up the receiver with a laugh. It had been a happy thought to call up the editor of the Investigator—Robert Denver was the very man he needed...
“Is this the office of the Investigator? Yes? Can you connect me to Mr. Denver, please? ... Hello, Denver... It's Hubert Granice. ... Did I catch you at a bad time? You’re heading straight home? Can I come see you ... yes, now ... to talk? It’s a bit urgent ... yes, I might have some great ‘copy’ for you. ... Okay!” He hung up the phone, laughing. It was a brilliant idea to call the editor of the Investigator—Robert Denver was exactly the person he needed...
Granice put out the lights in the library—it was odd how the automatic gestures persisted!—went into the hall, put on his hat and overcoat, and let himself out of the flat. In the hall, a sleepy elevator boy blinked at him and then dropped his head on his folded arms. Granice passed out into the street. At the corner of Fifth Avenue he hailed a crawling cab, and called out an up-town address. The long thoroughfare stretched before him, dim and deserted, like an ancient avenue of tombs. But from Denver’s house a friendly beam fell on the pavement; and as Granice sprang from his cab the editor’s electric turned the corner.
Granice turned off the lights in the library—it was strange how the automatic actions lingered!—went into the hallway, put on his hat and coat, and let himself out of the apartment. In the hallway, a sleepy elevator attendant blinked at him and then rested his head on his folded arms. Granice stepped out onto the street. At the corner of Fifth Avenue, he waved down a slow-moving cab and gave the driver an uptown address. The long road stretched out before him, dim and empty, like an old street lined with tombs. But from Denver’s house, a friendly light shone on the pavement; and as Granice jumped out of his cab, the editor's electric vehicle turned the corner.
The two men grasped hands, and Denver, feeling for his latch-key, ushered Granice into the brightly-lit hall.
The two men shook hands, and Denver, searching for his key, welcomed Granice into the brightly lit hall.
“Disturb me? Not a bit. You might have, at ten to-morrow morning ... but this is my liveliest hour ... you know my habits of old.”
“Disturb me? Not at all. You could have, at ten tomorrow morning ... but this is my most energetic time ... you know my old habits.”
Granice had known Robert Denver for fifteen years—watched his rise through all the stages of journalism to the Olympian pinnacle of the Investigator’s editorial office. In the thick-set man with grizzling hair there were few traces left of the hungry-eyed young reporter who, on his way home in the small hours, used to “bob in” on Granice, while the latter sat grinding at his plays. Denver had to pass Granice’s flat on the way to his own, and it became a habit, if he saw a light in the window, and Granice’s shadow against the blind, to go in, smoke a pipe, and discuss the universe.
Granice had known Robert Denver for fifteen years—watched him rise through all the levels of journalism to the high point of the Investigator’s editorial office. In the stocky man with graying hair, there were few signs left of the eager-eyed young reporter who, on his way home in the early hours, used to “drop by” Granice while the latter was busy working on his plays. Denver had to pass Granice’s apartment on his way to his own, and it became a routine that if he saw a light in the window and Granice’s shadow against the blind, he would go in, smoke a pipe, and talk about everything under the sun.
“Well—this is like old times—a good old habit reversed.” The editor smote his visitor genially on the shoulder. “Reminds me of the nights when I used to rout you out... How’s the play, by the way? There is a play, I suppose? It’s as safe to ask you that as to say to some men: ‘How’s the baby?’”
“Well—this is just like old times—a good old habit turned upside down.” The editor playfully tapped his visitor on the shoulder. “It brings back memories of the nights when I used to wake you up... How’s the play, by the way? There is a play, right? Asking you that is about as safe as saying to some guys: ‘How’s the baby?’”
Denver laughed good-naturedly, and Granice thought how thick and heavy he had grown. It was evident, even to Granice’s tortured nerves, that the words had not been uttered in malice—and the fact gave him a new measure of his insignificance. Denver did not even know that he had been a failure! The fact hurt more than Ascham’s irony.
Denver laughed heartily, and Granice thought about how much weight he had gained. It was clear, even to Granice's frayed nerves, that the words weren't said with bad intentions—and that realization highlighted his own insignificance. Denver didn't even realize that he had failed! That truth stung more than Ascham's sarcasm.
“Come in—come in.” The editor led the way into a small cheerful room, where there were cigars and decanters. He pushed an arm-chair toward his visitor, and dropped into another with a comfortable groan.
“Come in—come in.” The editor guided his visitor into a small, bright room filled with cigars and decanters. He moved an armchair closer to his guest and sank into another with a satisfied sigh.
“Now, then—help yourself. And let’s hear all about it.”
“Alright, go ahead—help yourself. We’d love to hear all about it.”
He beamed at Granice over his pipe-bowl, and the latter, lighting his cigar, said to himself: “Success makes men comfortable, but it makes them stupid.”
He smiled at Granice over his pipe, and Granice, lighting his cigar, thought to himself: “Success makes people comfortable, but it also makes them dumb.”
Then he turned, and began: “Denver, I want to tell you—”
Then he turned and said, “Denver, I want to tell you—”
The clock ticked rhythmically on the mantel-piece. The room was gradually filled with drifting blue layers of smoke, and through them the editor’s face came and went like the moon through a moving sky. Once the hour struck—then the rhythmical ticking began again. The atmosphere grew denser and heavier, and beads of perspiration began to roll from Granice’s forehead.
The clock ticked steadily on the mantel. The room slowly filled with swirling blue smoke, and through it, the editor’s face appeared and disappeared like the moon in a shifting sky. Once the hour struck, the steady ticking started again. The atmosphere became thicker and heavier, and beads of sweat began to roll down Granice’s forehead.
“Do you mind if I open the window?”
“Do you mind if I open the window?”
“No. It is stuffy in here. Wait—I’ll do it myself.” Denver pushed down the upper sash, and returned to his chair. “Well—go on,” he said, filling another pipe. His composure exasperated Granice.
“No. It is stuffy in here. Wait—I’ll do it myself.” Denver pushed down the upper window and went back to his chair. “Well—go on,” he said, filling another pipe. His calm was really getting on Granice’s nerves.
“There’s no use in my going on if you don’t believe me.”
“There’s no point in me continuing if you don’t believe me.”
The editor remained unmoved. “Who says I don’t believe you? And how can I tell till you’ve finished?”
The editor stayed steadfast. “Who says I don’t believe you? And how can I know until you’re done?”
Granice went on, ashamed of his outburst. “It was simple enough, as you’ll see. From the day the old man said to me, ‘Those Italians would murder you for a quarter,’ I dropped everything and just worked at my scheme. It struck me at once that I must find a way of getting to Wrenfield and back in a night—and that led to the idea of a motor. A motor—that never occurred to you? You wonder where I got the money, I suppose. Well, I had a thousand or so put by, and I nosed around till I found what I wanted—a second-hand racer. I knew how to drive a car, and I tried the thing and found it was all right. Times were bad, and I bought it for my price, and stored it away. Where? Why, in one of those no-questions-asked garages where they keep motors that are not for family use. I had a lively cousin who had put me up to that dodge, and I looked about till I found a queer hole where they took in my car like a baby in a foundling asylum... Then I practiced running to Wrenfield and back in a night. I knew the way pretty well, for I’d done it often with the same lively cousin—and in the small hours, too. The distance is over ninety miles, and on the third trial I did it under two hours. But my arms were so lame that I could hardly get dressed the next morning...
Granice continued, embarrassed about his outburst. “It was pretty straightforward, as you’ll see. From the day the old man told me, ‘Those Italians would kill you for a quarter,’ I dropped everything and focused on my plan. It hit me right away that I needed a way to get to Wrenfield and back in one night—and that led me to the idea of a car. A car—that didn’t occur to you? You’re probably wondering where I got the money. Well, I had about a thousand saved up, and I searched until I found what I needed—a used racing car. I knew how to drive, so I tried it out and found it was in good shape. Times were tough, and I managed to buy it for a decent price and stored it away. Where? At one of those no-questions-asked garages that keep cars that aren’t for family use. I had a lively cousin who suggested that plan, and I looked around until I found a strange spot where they took in my car like a baby in an orphanage... Then I practiced driving to Wrenfield and back in one night. I knew the route pretty well since I’d done it often with that same lively cousin—and usually in the early hours. The distance is over ninety miles, and on my third attempt, I made it in under two hours. But my arms were so sore that I could barely get dressed the next morning...”
“Well, then came the report about the Italian’s threats, and I saw I must act at once... I meant to break into the old man’s room, shoot him, and get away again. It was a big risk, but I thought I could manage it. Then we heard that he was ill—that there’d been a consultation. Perhaps the fates were going to do it for me! Good Lord, if that could only be!...”
“Well, then I got the report about the Italian’s threats, and I realized I had to act immediately... I planned to sneak into the old man’s room, shoot him, and get away. It was a huge risk, but I thought I could pull it off. Then we heard he was sick—that there had been a consultation. Maybe fate was going to take care of it for me! Oh my God, if that could only happen!...”
Granice stopped and wiped his forehead: the open window did not seem to have cooled the room.
Granice stopped and wiped his forehead; the open window didn’t seem to have made the room any cooler.
“Then came word that he was better; and the day after, when I came up from my office, I found Kate laughing over the news that he was to try a bit of melon. The house-keeper had just telephoned her—all Wrenfield was in a flutter. The doctor himself had picked out the melon, one of the little French ones that are hardly bigger than a large tomato—and the patient was to eat it at his breakfast the next morning.
“Then I heard that he was getting better; and the next day, when I came up from my office, I found Kate laughing at the news that he was going to try a slice of melon. The housekeeper had just called her—everyone at Wrenfield was buzzing with excitement. The doctor himself had chosen the melon, one of those little French ones that are hardly bigger than a large tomato—and the patient was going to eat it for breakfast the next morning.”
“In a flash I saw my chance. It was a bare chance, no more. But I knew the ways of the house—I was sure the melon would be brought in over night and put in the pantry ice-box. If there were only one melon in the ice-box I could be fairly sure it was the one I wanted. Melons didn’t lie around loose in that house—every one was known, numbered, catalogued. The old man was beset by the dread that the servants would eat them, and he took a hundred mean precautions to prevent it. Yes, I felt pretty sure of my melon ... and poisoning was much safer than shooting. It would have been the devil and all to get into the old man’s bedroom without his rousing the house; but I ought to be able to break into the pantry without much trouble.
“In an instant, I saw my opportunity. It was a slim chance, nothing more. But I knew my way around the house—I was confident the melon would be brought in overnight and stored in the pantry’s fridge. If there was only one melon in the fridge, I could be pretty sure it was the one I wanted. Melons didn’t just sit around casually in that house—each one was known, numbered, and cataloged. The old man was constantly worried that the servants would eat them, and he took numerous petty precautions to stop it. Yes, I felt pretty sure about my melon ... and poisoning was a lot safer than shooting. It would have been nearly impossible to sneak into the old man’s bedroom without waking up the whole house; but I should be able to break into the pantry without too much trouble.
“It was a cloudy night, too—everything served me. I dined quietly, and sat down at my desk. Kate had one of her usual headaches, and went to bed early. As soon as she was gone I slipped out. I had got together a sort of disguise—red beard and queer-looking ulster. I shoved them into a bag, and went round to the garage. There was no one there but a half-drunken machinist whom I’d never seen before. That served me, too. They were always changing machinists, and this new fellow didn’t even bother to ask if the car belonged to me. It was a very easy-going place...
“It was a cloudy night, too—everything worked out for me. I had a quiet dinner and then sat down at my desk. Kate had one of her usual headaches and went to bed early. As soon as she left, I slipped out. I had put together a sort of disguise—a red beard and a strange-looking coat. I stuffed them into a bag and went to the garage. There was nobody there except a half-drunk mechanic I’d never seen before. That was perfect for me. They were always swapping out mechanics, and this new guy didn’t even bother to ask if the car was mine. It was a really laid-back place...”
“Well, I jumped in, ran up Broadway, and let the car go as soon as I was out of Harlem. Dark as it was, I could trust myself to strike a sharp pace. In the shadow of a wood I stopped a second and got into the beard and ulster. Then away again—it was just eleven-thirty when I got to Wrenfield.
“Well, I jumped in, ran up Broadway, and let the car go as soon as I was out of Harlem. It was dark, but I felt confident enough to keep a brisk pace. In the shadows of some trees, I paused for a moment to put on my beard and coat. Then I was off again—it was just eleven-thirty when I arrived at Wrenfield.
“I left the car in a dark lane behind the Lenman place, and slipped through the kitchen-garden. The melon-houses winked at me through the dark—I remember thinking that they knew what I wanted to know. ... By the stable a dog came out growling—but he nosed me out, jumped on me, and went back... The house was as dark as the grave. I knew everybody went to bed by ten. But there might be a prowling servant—the kitchen-maid might have come down to let in her Italian. I had to risk that, of course. I crept around by the back door and hid in the shrubbery. Then I listened. It was all as silent as death. I crossed over to the house, pried open the pantry window and climbed in. I had a little electric lamp in my pocket, and shielding it with my cap I groped my way to the ice-box, opened it—and there was the little French melon... only one.
“I parked the car in a dark alley behind the Lenman house and slipped through the vegetable garden. The greenhouses seemed to watch me in the darkness—I remember thinking they knew what I was trying to find out. ... By the stable, a dog came out growling—but it sniffed me, jumped on me, and then went back inside... The house was as dark as a grave. I knew everyone went to bed by ten. But there could be a wandering servant—the kitchen maid might have come down to let in her Italian. I had to take that chance, of course. I crept around to the back door and hid in the bushes. Then I listened. It was completely silent. I crossed over to the house, pried open the pantry window, and climbed in. I had a small flashlight in my pocket, and shielding it with my cap, I felt my way to the fridge, opened it—and there was the little French melon... just one.
“I stopped to listen—I was quite cool. Then I pulled out my bottle of stuff and my syringe, and gave each section of the melon a hypodermic. It was all done inside of three minutes—at ten minutes to twelve I was back in the car. I got out of the lane as quietly as I could, struck a back road that skirted the village, and let the car out as soon as I was beyond the last houses. I only stopped once on the way in, to drop the beard and ulster into a pond. I had a big stone ready to weight them with and they went down plump, like a dead body—and at two o’clock I was back at my desk.”
“I paused to listen—I was pretty calm. Then I took out my bottle of stuff and my syringe, and injected each piece of the melon. It was all finished in under three minutes—at 11:50, I was back in the car. I quietly got out of the lane, took a back road that went around the village, and let the car go as soon as I was past the last houses. I only stopped once on the way in, to toss the beard and coat into a pond. I had a heavy stone ready to weigh them down and they sank right away, like a dead body—and at 2:00, I was back at my desk.”
Granice stopped speaking and looked across the smoke-fumes at his listener; but Denver’s face remained inscrutable.
Granice stopped talking and looked through the smoke at his listener; but Denver’s face stayed unreadable.
At length he said: “Why did you want to tell me this?”
At last, he said, “Why did you want to tell me this?”
The question startled Granice. He was about to explain, as he had explained to Ascham; but suddenly it occurred to him that if his motive had not seemed convincing to the lawyer it would carry much less weight with Denver. Both were successful men, and success does not understand the subtle agony of failure. Granice cast about for another reason.
The question surprised Granice. He was about to explain, like he had to Ascham; but it suddenly hit him that if his motive didn’t seem convincing to the lawyer, it wouldn’t matter much to Denver either. Both were successful men, and success doesn’t grasp the nuanced pain of failure. Granice searched for another reason.
“Why, I—the thing haunts me ... remorse, I suppose you’d call it...”
“Why, I—the thing keeps bothering me ... regret, I guess you’d call it...”
Denver struck the ashes from his empty pipe.
Denver knocked the ashes out of his empty pipe.
“Remorse? Bosh!” he said energetically.
“Regret? Nonsense!” he said energetically.
Granice’s heart sank. “You don’t believe in—remorse?”
Granice’s heart sank. “You don’t believe in—remorse?”
“Not an atom: in the man of action. The mere fact of your talking of remorse proves to me that you’re not the man to have planned and put through such a job.”
“Not a chance: in the person of action. The simple fact that you’re talking about guilt shows me that you’re not the type to have planned and executed such a task.”
Granice groaned. “Well—I lied to you about remorse. I’ve never felt any.”
Granice sighed. “Well—I lied about feeling bad. I’ve never felt that at all.”
Denver’s lips tightened sceptically about his freshly-filled pipe. “What was your motive, then? You must have had one.”
Denver's lips tightened skeptically around his freshly-filled pipe. “So, what was your motive? You had to have one.”
“I’ll tell you—” And Granice began again to rehearse the story of his failure, of his loathing for life. “Don’t say you don’t believe me this time ... that this isn’t a real reason!” he stammered out piteously as he ended.
“I’ll tell you—” And Granice started again to recount the story of his failure, of his disdain for life. “Don’t say you don’t believe me this time ... that this isn’t a real reason!” he said miserably as he finished.
Denver meditated. “No, I won’t say that. I’ve seen too many queer things. There’s always a reason for wanting to get out of life—the wonder is that we find so many for staying in!”
Denver thought for a moment. “No, I won’t say that. I’ve witnessed too many strange things. There’s always a reason for wanting to escape life—the amazing part is that we find so many reasons to stick around!”
Granice’s heart grew light. “Then you do believe me?” he faltered.
Granice’s heart felt lighter. “So you do believe me?” he hesitated.
“Believe that you’re sick of the job? Yes. And that you haven’t the nerve to pull the trigger? Oh, yes—that’s easy enough, too. But all that doesn’t make you a murderer—though I don’t say it proves you could never have been one.”
“Do you think you’re tired of the job? Yes. And that you don’t have the guts to go through with it? Oh, absolutely—that’s pretty clear, too. But none of that makes you a murderer—though I’m not saying it proves you could never have been one.”
“I have been one, Denver—I swear to you.”
“I’ve been one, Denver—I promise you.”
“Perhaps.” He meditated. “Just tell me one or two things.”
“Maybe.” He thought for a moment. “Just tell me a thing or two.”
“Oh, go ahead. You won’t stump me!” Granice heard himself say with a laugh.
“Oh, go ahead. You won’t throw me off!” Granice heard himself say with a laugh.
“Well—how did you make all those trial trips without exciting your sister’s curiosity? I knew your night habits pretty well at that time, remember. You were very seldom out late. Didn’t the change in your ways surprise her?”
“Well—how did you manage to take all those trial trips without getting your sister curious? I knew your nighttime routine pretty well back then, remember? You were hardly ever out late. Didn’t the change in your behavior surprise her?”
“No; because she was away at the time. She went to pay several visits in the country soon after we came back from Wrenfield, and was only in town for a night or two before—before I did the job.”
“No; because she was away at the time. She went to visit some places in the country shortly after we returned from Wrenfield, and was only in town for a night or two before—before I did the job.”
“And that night she went to bed early with a headache?”
“And that night she went to bed early with a headache?”
“Yes—blinding. She didn’t know anything when she had that kind. And her room was at the back of the flat.”
“Yes—blinding. She didn’t know anything when she had that kind. And her room was at the back of the flat.”
Denver again meditated. “And when you got back—she didn’t hear you? You got in without her knowing it?”
Denver thought for a moment. “So when you got back—she didn’t hear you? You got in without her knowing?”
“Yes. I went straight to my work—took it up at the word where I’d left off—why, Denver, don’t you remember?” Granice suddenly, passionately interjected.
“Yes. I went right back to my work—picked it up at the exact spot where I’d left off—why, Denver, don’t you remember?” Granice suddenly, passionately interrupted.
“Remember—?”
“Do you remember—?”
“Yes; how you found me—when you looked in that morning, between two and three ... your usual hour ...?”
“Yes; how did you find me—when you came by that morning, between two and three ... your usual time ...?”
“Yes,” the editor nodded.
“Yes,” the editor replied.
Granice gave a short laugh. “In my old coat—with my pipe: looked as if I’d been working all night, didn’t I? Well, I hadn’t been in my chair ten minutes!”
Granice let out a brief laugh. “In my old coat—with my pipe: looked like I’d been working all night, didn’t I? Well, I hadn’t even been in my chair for ten minutes!”
Denver uncrossed his legs and then crossed them again. “I didn’t know whether you remembered that.”
Denver uncrossed his legs and then crossed them again. “I didn’t know if you remembered that.”
“What?”
“What did you say?”
“My coming in that particular night—or morning.”
“My arrival that particular night—or morning.”
Granice swung round in his chair. “Why, man alive! That’s why I’m here now. Because it was you who spoke for me at the inquest, when they looked round to see what all the old man’s heirs had been doing that night—you who testified to having dropped in and found me at my desk as usual. ... I thought that would appeal to your journalistic sense if nothing else would!”
Granice turned around in his chair. “Wow! That’s exactly why I’m here now. It was you who spoke up for me at the inquest when they were trying to figure out what all the old man's heirs were up to that night—you were the one who testified that you stopped by and found me at my desk like always. ... I thought that would catch your journalistic interest if nothing else would!”
Denver smiled. “Oh, my journalistic sense is still susceptible enough—and the idea’s picturesque, I grant you: asking the man who proved your alibi to establish your guilt.”
Denver smiled. “Oh, my journalistic instincts are still sensitive enough— and the idea is pretty striking, I admit: getting the guy who confirmed your alibi to prove your guilt.”
“That’s it—that’s it!” Granice’s laugh had a ring of triumph.
“That’s it—that’s it!” Granice laughed, sounding triumphant.
“Well, but how about the other chap’s testimony—I mean that young doctor: what was his name? Ned Ranney. Don’t you remember my testifying that I’d met him at the elevated station, and told him I was on my way to smoke a pipe with you, and his saying: ‘All right; you’ll find him in. I passed the house two hours ago, and saw his shadow against the blind, as usual.’ And the lady with the toothache in the flat across the way: she corroborated his statement, you remember.”
“Well, what about the other guy's testimony—I mean that young doctor: what was his name? Ned Ranney. Don’t you remember I testified that I ran into him at the subway station and told him I was heading to smoke a pipe with you? He said, ‘Sure; you'll find him in. I passed by the house two hours ago and saw his shadow against the blinds, like always.’ And the lady with the toothache in the apartment across the street: she supported his statement, remember?”
“Yes; I remember.”
"Yeah; I remember."
“Well, then?”
"Well, what now?"
“Simple enough. Before starting I rigged up a kind of mannikin with old coats and a cushion—something to cast a shadow on the blind. All you fellows were used to seeing my shadow there in the small hours—I counted on that, and knew you’d take any vague outline as mine.”
“Easy enough. Before I got started, I set up a sort of dummy with old coats and a cushion—something to create a shadow on the blind. You all were used to seeing my shadow there in the early morning—I relied on that, knowing you’d assume any vague shape was me.”
“Simple enough, as you say. But the woman with the toothache saw the shadow move—you remember she said she saw you sink forward, as if you’d fallen asleep.”
“Sure, it sounds easy, but the woman with the toothache saw the shadow move—you remember she said she saw you lean forward, like you had dozed off.”
“Yes; and she was right. It did move. I suppose some extra-heavy dray must have jolted by the flimsy building—at any rate, something gave my mannikin a jar, and when I came back he had sunk forward, half over the table.”
“Yes; and she was right. It did move. I guess some really heavy cart must have rolled by the weak building—anyway, something shook my little figure, and when I returned, he had slumped forward, half over the table.”
There was a long silence between the two men. Granice, with a throbbing heart, watched Denver refill his pipe. The editor, at any rate, did not sneer and flout him. After all, journalism gave a deeper insight than the law into the fantastic possibilities of life, prepared one better to allow for the incalculableness of human impulses.
There was a long silence between the two men. Granice, with a racing heart, watched Denver refill his pipe. The editor, at least, didn't mock or belittle him. After all, journalism offered a deeper understanding than the law of the incredible possibilities of life, better preparing someone to account for the unpredictability of human behavior.
“Well?” Granice faltered out.
"Well?" Granice hesitated.
Denver stood up with a shrug. “Look here, man—what’s wrong with you? Make a clean breast of it! Nerves gone to smash? I’d like to take you to see a chap I know—an ex-prize-fighter—who’s a wonder at pulling fellows in your state out of their hole—”
Denver stood up with a shrug. “Listen, man—what’s up with you? Just be honest! Are your nerves shot? I’d like to take you to see someone I know—an ex-prizefighter—who’s amazing at helping guys like you get back on track—”
“Oh, oh—” Granice broke in. He stood up also, and the two men eyed each other. “You don’t believe me, then?”
“Oh, oh—” Granice interrupted. He stood up as well, and the two men stared each other down. “You don’t believe me, do you?”
“This yarn—how can I? There wasn’t a flaw in your alibi.”
“This story—how can I? There wasn’t a flaw in your alibi.”
“But haven’t I filled it full of them now?”
“But haven’t I filled it with them now?”
Denver shook his head. “I might think so if I hadn’t happened to know that you wanted to. There’s the hitch, don’t you see?”
Denver shook his head. “I might believe that if I didn’t know you wanted to. That’s the catch, don’t you see?”
Granice groaned. “No, I didn’t. You mean my wanting to be found guilty—?”
Granice groaned. “No, I didn’t. You’re saying I want to be found guilty—?”
“Of course! If somebody else had accused you, the story might have been worth looking into. As it is, a child could have invented it. It doesn’t do much credit to your ingenuity.”
“Of course! If someone else had accused you, the story might have been worth checking out. As it stands, even a child could have made it up. It doesn’t really speak well of your cleverness.”
Granice turned sullenly toward the door. What was the use of arguing? But on the threshold a sudden impulse drew him back. “Look here, Denver—I daresay you’re right. But will you do just one thing to prove it? Put my statement in the Investigator, just as I’ve made it. Ridicule it as much as you like. Only give the other fellows a chance at it—men who don’t know anything about me. Set them talking and looking about. I don’t care a damn whether you believe me—what I want is to convince the Grand Jury! I oughtn’t to have come to a man who knows me—your cursed incredulity is infectious. I don’t put my case well, because I know in advance it’s discredited, and I almost end by not believing it myself. That’s why I can’t convince you. It’s a vicious circle.” He laid a hand on Denver’s arm. “Send a stenographer, and put my statement in the paper.”
Granice turned sullenly toward the door. What was the point of arguing? But on the threshold, a sudden impulse pulled him back. “Listen, Denver—I guess you’re right. But will you do just one thing to prove it? Publish my statement in the Investigator, exactly as I’ve written it. Mock it all you want. Just give the other guys a chance to weigh in—men who don’t know anything about me. Get them talking and looking into it. I really don’t care whether you believe me—what I want is to convince the Grand Jury! I shouldn’t have gone to someone who knows me—your damn skepticism is contagious. I don’t present my case well because I know ahead of time it’s already dismissed, and I almost end up not believing it myself. That’s why I can’t convince you. It’s a vicious cycle.” He placed a hand on Denver’s arm. “Send for a stenographer and publish my statement in the paper.”
But Denver did not warm to the idea. “My dear fellow, you seem to forget that all the evidence was pretty thoroughly sifted at the time, every possible clue followed up. The public would have been ready enough then to believe that you murdered old Lenman—you or anybody else. All they wanted was a murderer—the most improbable would have served. But your alibi was too confoundedly complete. And nothing you’ve told me has shaken it.” Denver laid his cool hand over the other’s burning fingers. “Look here, old fellow, go home and work up a better case—then come in and submit it to the Investigator.”
But Denver wasn't convinced by the idea. “My dear friend, you seem to forget that all the evidence was thoroughly examined at the time, and every possible lead was followed. The public would have been more than ready back then to believe you killed old Lenman—you or anyone else. All they wanted was a murderer—the most unlikely one would have been good enough. But your alibi was just too solid. And nothing you've told me has shaken that.” Denver placed his cool hand over the other’s burning fingers. “Listen, my friend, go home and build a stronger case—then come back and present it to the Investigator.”
IV
THE perspiration was rolling off Granice’s forehead. Every few minutes he had to draw out his handkerchief and wipe the moisture from his haggard face.
THE sweat was dripping off Granice’s forehead. Every few minutes he had to pull out his handkerchief and wipe the moisture from his exhausted face.
For an hour and a half he had been talking steadily, putting his case to the District Attorney. Luckily he had a speaking acquaintance with Allonby, and had obtained, without much difficulty, a private audience on the very day after his talk with Robert Denver. In the interval between he had hurried home, got out of his evening clothes, and gone forth again at once into the dreary dawn. His fear of Ascham and the alienist made it impossible for him to remain in his rooms. And it seemed to him that the only way of averting that hideous peril was by establishing, in some sane impartial mind, the proof of his guilt. Even if he had not been so incurably sick of life, the electric chair seemed now the only alternative to the strait-jacket.
For an hour and a half, he had been talking non-stop, making his case to the District Attorney. Fortunately, he had a casual acquaintance with Allonby and managed to get a private meeting the day after his conversation with Robert Denver. In the time between, he rushed home, changed out of his evening clothes, and immediately went back out into the bleak dawn. His fear of Ascham and the psychiatrist made it impossible for him to stay in his apartment. He felt that the only way to avoid that terrible danger was to convince a sane, unbiased person of his innocence. Even if he hadn’t been so completely fed up with life, the electric chair now seemed to be the only option other than the straitjacket.
As he paused to wipe his forehead he saw the District Attorney glance at his watch. The gesture was significant, and Granice lifted an appealing hand. “I don’t expect you to believe me now—but can’t you put me under arrest, and have the thing looked into?”
As he paused to wipe his forehead, he noticed the District Attorney check his watch. The gesture was telling, and Granice raised an appealing hand. “I know you probably don’t believe me right now—but can’t you arrest me and investigate this?”
Allonby smiled faintly under his heavy grayish moustache. He had a ruddy face, full and jovial, in which his keen professional eyes seemed to keep watch over impulses not strictly professional.
Allonby smiled lightly under his thick gray mustache. He had a rosy, full, and cheerful face, where his sharp professional eyes appeared to monitor impulses that weren't entirely professional.
“Well, I don’t know that we need lock you up just yet. But of course I’m bound to look into your statement—”
“Well, I don’t think we need to lock you up just yet. But of course, I have to look into your statement—”
Granice rose with an exquisite sense of relief. Surely Allonby wouldn’t have said that if he hadn’t believed him!
Granice stood up with a deep sense of relief. Surely Allonby wouldn’t have said that if he didn’t believe him!
“That’s all right. Then I needn’t detain you. I can be found at any time at my apartment.” He gave the address.
"That's fine. I won't keep you then. You can reach me anytime at my apartment." He provided the address.
The District Attorney smiled again, more openly. “What do you say to leaving it for an hour or two this evening? I’m giving a little supper at Rector’s—quiet, little affair, you understand: just Miss Melrose—I think you know her—and a friend or two; and if you’ll join us...”
The District Attorney smiled again, more genuinely. “How about we put it off for a hour or two this evening? I’m hosting a small dinner at Rector’s—a low-key event, you know: just Miss Melrose—I believe you’re familiar with her—and a couple of friends; and if you’d like to join us...”
Granice stumbled out of the office without knowing what reply he had made.
Granice stumbled out of the office, unsure of what he had just said.
He waited for four days—four days of concentrated horror. During the first twenty-four hours the fear of Ascham’s alienist dogged him; and as that subsided, it was replaced by the exasperating sense that his avowal had made no impression on the District Attorney. Evidently, if he had been going to look into the case, Allonby would have been heard from before now. ... And that mocking invitation to supper showed clearly enough how little the story had impressed him!
He waited for four days—four days of intense horror. During the first twenty-four hours, the fear of Ascham’s psychiatrist haunted him; and as that faded, it was replaced by the frustrating feeling that his confession hadn’t made any impact on the District Attorney. Clearly, if he were going to investigate the case, Allonby would have reached out by now. ... And that sarcastic invitation to dinner made it obvious how little the story had affected him!
Granice was overcome by the futility of any farther attempt to inculpate himself. He was chained to life—a “prisoner of consciousness.” Where was it he had read the phrase? Well, he was learning what it meant. In the glaring night-hours, when his brain seemed ablaze, he was visited by a sense of his fixed identity, of his irreducible, inexpugnable selfness, keener, more insidious, more unescapable, than any sensation he had ever known. He had not guessed that the mind was capable of such intricacies of self-realization, of penetrating so deep into its own dark windings. Often he woke from his brief snatches of sleep with the feeling that something material was clinging to him, was on his hands and face, and in his throat—and as his brain cleared he understood that it was the sense of his own loathed personality that stuck to him like some thick viscous substance.
Granice was overwhelmed by the uselessness of trying to blame himself any longer. He felt trapped in life—a “prisoner of consciousness.” Where had he come across that phrase? Well, he was discovering its meaning. During the glaring hours of the night, when his mind felt like it was on fire, he experienced a profound sense of his fixed identity, an unchangeable, stubborn selfness, sharper, more insidious, and more inescapable than any feeling he had ever experienced. He had never imagined that the mind could delve so deeply into such intricate self-awareness, exploring the depths of its own dark corners. Often, he woke from brief moments of sleep with a sense that something physical was clinging to him, was on his hands and face, and in his throat—and as his mind cleared, he realized it was the feeling of his own hated personality sticking to him like some thick, sticky substance.
Then, in the first morning hours, he would rise and look out of his window at the awakening activities of the street—at the street-cleaners, the ash-cart drivers, and the other dingy workers flitting hurriedly by through the sallow winter light. Oh, to be one of them—any of them—to take his chance in any of their skins! They were the toilers—the men whose lot was pitied—the victims wept over and ranted about by altruists and economists; and how gladly he would have taken up the load of any one of them, if only he might have shaken off his own! But, no—the iron circle of consciousness held them too: each one was hand-cuffed to his own hideous ego. Why wish to be any one man rather than another? The only absolute good was not to be ... And Flint, coming in to draw his bath, would ask if he preferred his eggs scrambled or poached that morning?
Then, in the early morning hours, he would get up and look out of his window at the bustling activity on the street—seeing the street cleaners, the garbage truck drivers, and other tired workers rushing by in the dull winter light. Oh, to be one of them—any of them—to take his chance in their lives! They were the laborers—the men whose struggles were pitied—the victims that altruists and economists lamented and ranted about; and he would have eagerly taken on the burden of any of them, just to escape his own! But, no—the harsh reality held them too: each one was shackled to his own miserable self. Why want to be any one person instead of another? The only true good was not to be... And Flint, coming in to run his bath, would ask if he wanted his eggs scrambled or poached that morning?
On the fifth day he wrote a long urgent letter to Allonby; and for the succeeding two days he had the occupation of waiting for an answer. He hardly stirred from his rooms, in his fear of missing the letter by a moment; but would the District Attorney write, or send a representative: a policeman, a “secret agent,” or some other mysterious emissary of the law?
On the fifth day, he wrote a long, urgent letter to Allonby, and for the next two days, he waited for a reply. He barely left his rooms, afraid he might miss the letter by even a moment. But would the District Attorney write back or send someone: a police officer, a "secret agent," or some other mysterious messenger of the law?
On the third morning Flint, stepping softly—as if, confound it! his master were ill—entered the library where Granice sat behind an unread newspaper, and proferred a card on a tray.
On the third morning, Flint entered the library quietly—as if, damn it! his master was unwell—where Granice sat behind an unread newspaper and offered a card on a tray.
Granice read the name—J. B. Hewson—and underneath, in pencil, “From the District Attorney’s office.” He started up with a thumping heart, and signed an assent to the servant.
Granice read the name—J. B. Hewson—and underneath, in pencil, “From the District Attorney’s office.” His heart raced as he got up, signing his agreement to the servant.
Mr. Hewson was a slight sallow nondescript man of about fifty—the kind of man of whom one is sure to see a specimen in any crowd. “Just the type of the successful detective,” Granice reflected as he shook hands with his visitor.
Mr. Hewson was a thin, pale, and unremarkable man in his fifties—the sort of person you’re bound to spot in any crowd. “Exactly the type of successful detective,” Granice thought as he shook hands with his visitor.
And it was in that character that Mr. Hewson briefly introduced himself. He had been sent by the District Attorney to have “a quiet talk” with Mr. Granice—to ask him to repeat the statement he had made about the Lenman murder.
And it was in that role that Mr. Hewson quickly introduced himself. He had been sent by the District Attorney to have “a quiet talk” with Mr. Granice—to ask him to go over the statement he had made regarding the Lenman murder.
His manner was so quiet, so reasonable and receptive, that Granice’s self-confidence returned. Here was a sensible man—a man who knew his business—it would be easy enough to make him see through that ridiculous alibi! Granice offered Mr. Hewson a cigar, and lighting one himself—to prove his coolness—began again to tell his story.
His demeanor was so calm, so rational and open, that Granice’s self-assurance came back. Here was a sensible guy—a guy who knew his stuff—it would be simple to make him see through that absurd excuse! Granice handed Mr. Hewson a cigar, and lighting one for himself—to show his composure—began to tell his story again.
He was conscious, as he proceeded, of telling it better than ever before. Practice helped, no doubt; and his listener’s detached, impartial attitude helped still more. He could see that Hewson, at least, had not decided in advance to disbelieve him, and the sense of being trusted made him more lucid and more consecutive. Yes, this time his words would certainly carry conviction...
He was aware, as he went on, that he was telling it better than ever. Practice definitely played a part, and his listener’s neutral, fair attitude helped even more. He could tell that Hewson, at least, hadn’t decided beforehand to doubt him, and the feeling of being trusted made him clearer and more coherent. Yes, this time his words would definitely convince...
V
DESPAIRINGLY, Granice gazed up and down the shabby street. Beside him stood a young man with bright prominent eyes, a smooth but not too smoothly-shaven face, and an Irish smile. The young man’s nimble glance followed Granice’s.
DESPAIRINGLY, Granice looked up and down the run-down street. Next to him stood a young man with bright, prominent eyes, a smooth but not overly shaven face, and an Irish smile. The young man’s quick glance followed Granice’s.
“Sure of the number, are you?” he asked briskly.
“Are you confident about the number?” he asked quickly.
“Oh, yes—it was 104.”
“Oh, yes—it was 104°F.”
“Well, then, the new building has swallowed it up—that’s certain.”
“Well, the new building has definitely taken it over.”
He tilted his head back and surveyed the half-finished front of a brick and limestone flat-house that reared its flimsy elegance above a row of tottering tenements and stables.
He tilted his head back and looked at the half-finished façade of a brick and limestone apartment building that stood with its delicate elegance above a row of crumbling tenements and stables.
“Dead sure?” he repeated.
"Absolutely sure?" he repeated.
“Yes,” said Granice, discouraged. “And even if I hadn’t been, I know the garage was just opposite Leffler’s over there.” He pointed across the street to a tumble-down stable with a blotched sign on which the words “Livery and Boarding” were still faintly discernible.
“Yes,” Granice said, feeling defeated. “And even if I hadn’t been, I know the garage was right across from Leffler’s over there.” He pointed across the street to a rundown stable with a faded sign that still barely showed the words “Livery and Boarding.”
The young man dashed across to the opposite pavement. “Well, that’s something—may get a clue there. Leffler’s—same name there, anyhow. You remember that name?”
The young man quickly ran over to the other side of the street. “Well, that’s interesting—might find a hint there. Leffler’s—same name, at least. Do you remember that name?”
“Yes—distinctly.”
“Definitely.”
Granice had felt a return of confidence since he had enlisted the interest of the Explorer’s “smartest” reporter. If there were moments when he hardly believed his own story, there were others when it seemed impossible that every one should not believe it; and young Peter McCarren, peering, listening, questioning, jotting down notes, inspired him with an exquisite sense of security. McCarren had fastened on the case at once, “like a leech,” as he phrased it—jumped at it, thrilled to it, and settled down to “draw the last drop of fact from it, and had not let go till he had.” No one else had treated Granice in that way—even Allonby’s detective had not taken a single note. And though a week had elapsed since the visit of that authorized official, nothing had been heard from the District Attorney’s office: Allonby had apparently dropped the matter again. But McCarren wasn’t going to drop it—not he! He positively hung on Granice’s footsteps. They had spent the greater part of the previous day together, and now they were off again, running down clues.
Granice felt a boost of confidence since he had caught the interest of the Explorer’s "smartest" reporter. There were times when he barely believed his own story, but other moments when it seemed impossible that everyone wouldn't believe it; and young Peter McCarren, who was observing, listening, questioning, and taking notes, gave him a great sense of security. McCarren had jumped on the case right away, “like a leech,” as he put it—he was excited about it, really engaged, and had committed to “drawing every last drop of fact from it, and hadn’t let go until he had.” No one else had treated Granice like this—even Allonby’s detective hadn't taken a single note. And although a week had passed since the visit from that authorized official, there had been no word from the District Attorney’s office: Allonby had apparently moved on. But McCarren wasn't going to let it go—not at all! He was closely following Granice's every move. They had spent most of the previous day together, and now they were off again, chasing down leads.
But at Leffler’s they got none, after all. Leffler’s was no longer a stable. It was condemned to demolition, and in the respite between sentence and execution it had become a vague place of storage, a hospital for broken-down carriages and carts, presided over by a blear-eyed old woman who knew nothing of Flood’s garage across the way—did not even remember what had stood there before the new flat-house began to rise.
But at Leffler’s, there was nothing left after all. Leffler’s was no longer a stable. It was set for demolition, and during the time between the announcement and the actual tearing down, it had turned into a vague storage area, a place for broken-down carriages and carts, watched over by a bleary-eyed old woman who knew nothing about Flood’s garage across the street—she didn’t even remember what had been there before the new apartment building started going up.
“Well—we may run Leffler down somewhere; I’ve seen harder jobs done,” said McCarren, cheerfully noting down the name.
“Well—we might catch Leffler somewhere; I’ve seen tougher jobs done,” said McCarren, happily writing down the name.
As they walked back toward Sixth Avenue he added, in a less sanguine tone: “I’d undertake now to put the thing through if you could only put me on the track of that cyanide.”
As they walked back toward Sixth Avenue, he said, in a less upbeat tone: “I’d be willing to handle this if you could just help me find that cyanide.”
Granice’s heart sank. Yes—there was the weak spot; he had felt it from the first! But he still hoped to convince McCarren that his case was strong enough without it; and he urged the reporter to come back to his rooms and sum up the facts with him again.
Granice’s heart dropped. Yes—there was the weak point; he had sensed it from the start! But he still hoped to persuade McCarren that his case was solid enough without it; and he urged the reporter to come back to his place and go over the facts with him again.
“Sorry, Mr. Granice, but I’m due at the office now. Besides, it’d be no use till I get some fresh stuff to work on. Suppose I call you up tomorrow or next day?”
“Sorry, Mr. Granice, but I need to get to the office now. Besides, it wouldn’t be helpful until I have some new material to work with. How about I call you tomorrow or the day after?”
He plunged into a trolley and left Granice gazing desolately after him.
He jumped into a trolley and left Granice staring after him sadly.
Two days later he reappeared at the apartment, a shade less jaunty in demeanor.
Two days later, he showed up at the apartment, looking a bit less cheerful.
“Well, Mr. Granice, the stars in their courses are against you, as the bard says. Can’t get a trace of Flood, or of Leffler either. And you say you bought the motor through Flood, and sold it through him, too?”
“Well, Mr. Granice, the stars are not in your favor, as the poet says. I can’t find any sign of Flood or Leffler either. And you mentioned you bought the motor through Flood and sold it through him as well?”
“Yes,” said Granice wearily.
“Yes,” Granice replied tiredly.
“Who bought it, do you know?”
“Do you know who bought it?”
Granice wrinkled his brows. “Why, Flood—yes, Flood himself. I sold it back to him three months later.”
Granice frowned. “Why, Flood—yeah, Flood himself. I sold it back to him three months later.”
“Flood? The devil! And I’ve ransacked the town for Flood. That kind of business disappears as if the earth had swallowed it.”
“Flood? No way! I’ve searched the whole town for Flood. That kind of thing vanishes like it was never there.”
Granice, discouraged, kept silence.
Granice, feeling down, stayed quiet.
“That brings us back to the poison,” McCarren continued, his note-book out. “Just go over that again, will you?”
“That brings us back to the poison,” McCarren continued, his notebook out. “Can you go over that again, please?”
And Granice went over it again. It had all been so simple at the time—and he had been so clever in covering up his traces! As soon as he decided on poison he looked about for an acquaintance who manufactured chemicals; and there was Jim Dawes, a Harvard classmate, in the dyeing business—just the man. But at the last moment it occurred to him that suspicion might turn toward so obvious an opportunity, and he decided on a more tortuous course. Another friend, Carrick Venn, a student of medicine whom irremediable ill-health had kept from the practice of his profession, amused his leisure with experiments in physics, for the exercise of which he had set up a simple laboratory. Granice had the habit of dropping in to smoke a cigar with him on Sunday afternoons, and the friends generally sat in Venn’s work-shop, at the back of the old family house in Stuyvesant Square. Off this work-shop was the cupboard of supplies, with its row of deadly bottles. Carrick Venn was an original, a man of restless curious tastes, and his place, on a Sunday, was often full of visitors: a cheerful crowd of journalists, scribblers, painters, experimenters in divers forms of expression. Coming and going among so many, it was easy enough to pass unperceived; and one afternoon Granice, arriving before Venn had returned home, found himself alone in the work-shop, and quickly slipping into the cupboard, transferred the drug to his pocket.
And Granice went over it again. It had all been so simple back then—and he had been so clever in covering his tracks! Once he settled on poison, he looked for someone he knew who made chemicals; that’s when he thought of Jim Dawes, a Harvard classmate who was in the dyeing business—exactly the right person. But at the last moment, he realized that suspicion might fall on such an obvious choice, so he decided to take a more complicated route. Another friend, Carrick Venn, had studied medicine but was unable to practice due to poor health; instead, he spent his free time conducting experiments in physics in a simple lab he had set up. Granice often dropped by to smoke a cigar with him on Sunday afternoons, and they usually sat in Venn’s workshop at the back of his old family house in Stuyvesant Square. Connected to this workshop was the supplies cupboard, filled with rows of deadly bottles. Carrick Venn was unique, a man with restless and curious interests, and his place on a Sunday was often bustling with visitors: a lively crowd of journalists, writers, artists, and experimenters in various forms of expression. With so many people coming and going, it was easy to go unnoticed; one afternoon, Granice arrived before Venn came home, found himself alone in the workshop, and quickly slipped into the cupboard to take the drug and put it in his pocket.
But that had happened ten years ago; and Venn, poor fellow, was long since dead of his dragging ailment. His old father was dead, too, the house in Stuyvesant Square had been turned into a boarding-house, and the shifting life of New York had passed its rapid sponge over every trace of their obscure little history. Even the optimistic McCarren seemed to acknowledge the hopelessness of seeking for proof in that direction.
But that was ten years ago, and Venn, poor guy, had long since passed away from his lingering illness. His old father was gone too, the house in Stuyvesant Square had become a boarding house, and the fast-paced life of New York had wiped out every trace of their little story. Even the hopeful McCarren seemed to recognize the futility of looking for evidence in that direction.
“And there’s the third door slammed in our faces.” He shut his note-book, and throwing back his head, rested his bright inquisitive eyes on Granice’s furrowed face.
“And there’s the third door slammed in our faces.” He closed his notebook and, throwing back his head, fixed his bright, curious eyes on Granice’s lined face.
“Look here, Mr. Granice—you see the weak spot, don’t you?”
“Look here, Mr. Granice—you see the weak spot, right?”
The other made a despairing motion. “I see so many!”
The other waved their hand in frustration. “I see so many!”
“Yes: but the one that weakens all the others. Why the deuce do you want this thing known? Why do you want to put your head into the noose?”
“Yeah, but it's the one that weakens all the others. Why on earth do you want this known? Why would you put your head in a noose?”
Granice looked at him hopelessly, trying to take the measure of his quick light irreverent mind. No one so full of a cheerful animal life would believe in the craving for death as a sufficient motive; and Granice racked his brain for one more convincing. But suddenly he saw the reporter’s face soften, and melt to a naive sentimentalism.
Granice looked at him in despair, trying to understand his quick, lighthearted irreverence. No one so full of vibrant energy would see the desire for death as a strong enough reason; Granice struggled to come up with something more convincing. But then he suddenly noticed the reporter’s face soften and shift to a naive sentimentality.
“Mr. Granice—has the memory of it always haunted you?”
“Mr. Granice, has that memory always haunted you?”
Granice stared a moment, and then leapt at the opening. “That’s it—the memory of it ... always ...”
Granice stared for a moment and then jumped at the opportunity. “That’s it—the memory of it ... always ...”
McCarren nodded vehemently. “Dogged your steps, eh? Wouldn’t let you sleep? The time came when you had to make a clean breast of it?”
McCarren nodded vigorously. “Followed you around, huh? Wouldn’t let you rest? The moment arrived when you had to come clean about it?”
“I had to. Can’t you understand?”
“I had to. Can’t you get that?”
The reporter struck his fist on the table. “God, sir! I don’t suppose there’s a human being with a drop of warm blood in him that can’t picture the deadly horrors of remorse—”
The reporter slammed his fist on the table. “God, sir! I can’t imagine there’s a single human being out there who doesn’t understand the terrifying pain of remorse—”
The Celtic imagination was aflame, and Granice mutely thanked him for the word. What neither Ascham nor Denver would accept as a conceivable motive the Irish reporter seized on as the most adequate; and, as he said, once one could find a convincing motive, the difficulties of the case became so many incentives to effort.
The Celtic imagination was on fire, and Granice silently thanked him for that insight. What neither Ascham nor Denver would consider a possible motive, the Irish reporter saw as the most fitting; and, as he mentioned, once you identify a convincing motive, the challenges of the case turn into numerous reasons to push forward.
“Remorse—remorse,” he repeated, rolling the word under his tongue with an accent that was a clue to the psychology of the popular drama; and Granice, perversely, said to himself: “If I could only have struck that note I should have been running in six theatres at once.”
“Remorse—remorse,” he repeated, rolling the word around in his mouth with an accent that hinted at the psychology of popular drama; and Granice, stubbornly, thought to himself: “If I could just hit that note, I’d be performing in six theaters at once.”
He saw that from that moment McCarren’s professional zeal would be fanned by emotional curiosity; and he profited by the fact to propose that they should dine together, and go on afterward to some music-hall or theatre. It was becoming necessary to Granice to feel himself an object of pre-occupation, to find himself in another mind. He took a kind of gray penumbral pleasure in riveting McCarren’s attention on his case; and to feign the grimaces of moral anguish became a passionately engrossing game. He had not entered a theatre for months; but he sat out the meaningless performance in rigid tolerance, sustained by the sense of the reporter’s observation.
He realized that from that moment on, McCarren's professional enthusiasm would be fueled by emotional curiosity; so he took advantage of this to suggest they have dinner together and then go to a music hall or theater afterward. Granice needed to feel like he was the center of someone else's thoughts, to see things from another perspective. He found a sort of dull pleasure in keeping McCarren focused on his situation; pretending to experience moral distress became a deeply engaging game. He hadn’t been to a theater in months, but he endured the pointless performance with a stiff tolerance, buoyed by the knowledge that the reporter was watching him.
Between the acts, McCarren amused him with anecdotes about the audience: he knew every one by sight, and could lift the curtain from every physiognomy. Granice listened indulgently. He had lost all interest in his kind, but he knew that he was himself the real centre of McCarren’s attention, and that every word the latter spoke had an indirect bearing on his own problem.
Between the acts, McCarren entertained him with stories about the audience: he recognized everyone by sight and could read their faces. Granice listened patiently. He had lost all interest in his own kind, but he knew that he was the true focus of McCarren’s attention, and that everything McCarren said related back to his own issue.
“See that fellow over there—the little dried-up man in the third row, pulling his moustache? His memoirs would be worth publishing,” McCarren said suddenly in the last entr’acte.
“Look at that guy over there—the tiny, withered man in the third row, tugging at his mustache? His memoirs would be worth publishing,” McCarren said suddenly during the last intermission.
Granice, following his glance, recognized the detective from Allonby’s office. For a moment he had the thrilling sense that he was being shadowed.
Granice, following his gaze, recognized the detective from Allonby’s office. For a moment, he felt a thrilling sense that he was being followed.
“Caesar, if he could talk—!” McCarren continued. “Know who he is, of course? Dr. John B. Stell, the biggest alienist in the country—”
“Caesar, if he could talk—!” McCarren went on. “You know who he is, right? Dr. John B. Stell, the top psychiatrist in the country—”
Granice, with a start, bent again between the heads in front of him. “That man—the fourth from the aisle? You’re mistaken. That’s not Dr. Stell.”
Granice, startled, leaned again between the heads in front of him. “That man—the fourth from the aisle? You’re mistaken. That’s not Dr. Stell.”
McCarren laughed. “Well, I guess I’ve been in court enough to know Stell when I see him. He testifies in nearly all the big cases where they plead insanity.”
McCarren laughed. “Well, I guess I've been in court enough to recognize Stell when I see him. He testifies in almost all the major cases where they claim insanity.”
A cold shiver ran down Granice’s spine, but he repeated obstinately: “That’s not Dr. Stell.”
A cold shiver ran down Granice's spine, but he stubbornly repeated, "That’s not Dr. Stell."
“Not Stell? Why, man, I know him. Look—here he comes. If it isn’t Stell, he won’t speak to me.”
“Not Stell? Come on, I know him. Look—here he comes. If it’s not Stell, he won’t talk to me.”
The little dried-up man was moving slowly up the aisle. As he neared McCarren he made a slight gesture of recognition.
The tiny, dried-up man was slowly walking up the aisle. As he got closer to McCarren, he made a small gesture of acknowledgment.
“How’do, Doctor Stell? Pretty slim show, ain’t it?” the reporter cheerfully flung out at him. And Mr. J. B. Hewson, with a nod of amicable assent, passed on.
“How's it going, Doctor Stell? It's a pretty small crowd, right?” the reporter said cheerfully. And Mr. J. B. Hewson, nodding in friendly agreement, moved on.
Granice sat benumbed. He knew he had not been mistaken—the man who had just passed was the same man whom Allonby had sent to see him: a physician disguised as a detective. Allonby, then, had thought him insane, like the others—had regarded his confession as the maundering of a maniac. The discovery froze Granice with horror—he seemed to see the mad-house gaping for him.
Granice sat there, stunned. He knew he wasn't wrong—the man who had just walked by was the same one Allonby had sent to see him: a doctor pretending to be a detective. So, Allonby had thought he was crazy, just like everyone else—considered his confession to be the ramblings of a madman. This realization filled Granice with dread—he felt like he could see the asylum waiting for him.
“Isn’t there a man a good deal like him—a detective named J. B. Hewson?”
“Isn't there a guy who's quite similar to him—a detective named J. B. Hewson?”
But he knew in advance what McCarren’s answer would be. “Hewson? J. B. Hewson? Never heard of him. But that was J. B. Stell fast enough—I guess he can be trusted to know himself, and you saw he answered to his name.”
But he already knew what McCarren would say. “Hewson? J. B. Hewson? Never heard of him. But J. B. Stell was definitely there—I guess he knows who he is, and you saw he responded to his name.”
VI
SOME days passed before Granice could obtain a word with the District Attorney: he began to think that Allonby avoided him.
SOME days went by before Granice could get a word with the District Attorney: he started to feel like Allonby was avoiding him.
But when they were face to face Allonby’s jovial countenance showed no sign of embarrassment. He waved his visitor to a chair, and leaned across his desk with the encouraging smile of a consulting physician.
But when they met face to face, Allonby’s cheerful expression revealed no hint of embarrassment. He motioned for his visitor to take a seat and leaned over his desk with the supportive smile of a doctor in a consultation.
Granice broke out at once: “That detective you sent me the other day—”
Granice jumped right in: “That detective you sent me the other day—”
Allonby raised a deprecating hand.
Allonby raised a dismissive hand.
“—I know: it was Stell the alienist. Why did you do that, Allonby?”
“—I know: it was Stell the therapist. Why did you do that, Allonby?”
The other’s face did not lose its composure. “Because I looked up your story first—and there’s nothing in it.”
The other person's face stayed calm. “Because I checked out your story first—and there’s nothing in it.”
“Nothing in it?” Granice furiously interposed.
“Nothing in it?” Granice interjected angrily.
“Absolutely nothing. If there is, why the deuce don’t you bring me proofs? I know you’ve been talking to Peter Ascham, and to Denver, and to that little ferret McCarren of the Explorer. Have any of them been able to make out a case for you? No. Well, what am I to do?”
“Absolutely nothing. If there is, then why don’t you show me proof? I know you’ve been talking to Peter Ascham, and to Denver, and to that little weasel McCarren from the Explorer. Have any of them been able to make a case for you? No. So, what am I supposed to do?”
Granice’s lips began to tremble. “Why did you play me that trick?”
Granice's lips started to quiver. “Why did you pull that stunt on me?”
“About Stell? I had to, my dear fellow: it’s part of my business. Stell is a detective, if you come to that—every doctor is.”
“About Stell? I had to, my dear friend: it’s part of my job. Stell is a detective, if you think about it—every doctor is.”
The trembling of Granice’s lips increased, communicating itself in a long quiver to his facial muscles. He forced a laugh through his dry throat. “Well—and what did he detect?”
The trembling of Granice’s lips grew stronger, sending a long shiver through his facial muscles. He forced a laugh through his dry throat. “Well—and what did he find out?”
“In you? Oh, he thinks it’s overwork—overwork and too much smoking. If you look in on him some day at his office he’ll show you the record of hundreds of cases like yours, and advise you what treatment to follow. It’s one of the commonest forms of hallucination. Have a cigar, all the same.”
“In you? Oh, he thinks it’s just overwork—overwork and too much smoking. If you stop by his office one day, he’ll show you the records of hundreds of cases like yours and suggest what treatment to follow. It’s one of the most common types of hallucination. Enjoy a cigar, anyway.”
“But, Allonby, I killed that man!”
“But, Allonby, I killed that guy!”
The District Attorney’s large hand, outstretched on his desk, had an almost imperceptible gesture, and a moment later, as if an answer to the call of an electric bell, a clerk looked in from the outer office.
The District Attorney’s large hand, stretched out on his desk, made a nearly invisible gesture, and a moment later, as if responding to an electric bell, a clerk peeked in from the outer office.
“Sorry, my dear fellow—lot of people waiting. Drop in on Stell some morning,” Allonby said, shaking hands.
“Sorry, my friend—there are a lot of people waiting. Stop by and see Stell some morning,” Allonby said, shaking hands.
McCarren had to own himself beaten: there was absolutely no flaw in the alibi. And since his duty to his journal obviously forbade his wasting time on insoluble mysteries, he ceased to frequent Granice, who dropped back into a deeper isolation. For a day or two after his visit to Allonby he continued to live in dread of Dr. Stell. Why might not Allonby have deceived him as to the alienist’s diagnosis? What if he were really being shadowed, not by a police agent but by a mad-doctor? To have the truth out, he suddenly determined to call on Dr. Stell.
McCarren had to admit defeat: there was no flaw in the alibi. And since his job at the newspaper clearly prevented him from wasting time on unsolvable mysteries, he stopped visiting Granice, who sank into a deeper isolation. For a day or two after his visit to Allonby, he remained afraid of Dr. Stell. What if Allonby had misled him about the psychiatrist’s diagnosis? What if he was really being followed, not by a police officer but by a crazed doctor? To uncover the truth, he suddenly decided to visit Dr. Stell.
The physician received him kindly, and reverted without embarrassment to the conditions of their previous meeting. “We have to do that occasionally, Mr. Granice; it’s one of our methods. And you had given Allonby a fright.”
The doctor welcomed him warmly and casually brought up the circumstances of their last meeting. “We have to do that sometimes, Mr. Granice; it’s part of our approach. And you had given Allonby quite a scare.”
Granice was silent. He would have liked to reaffirm his guilt, to produce the fresh arguments which had occurred to him since his last talk with the physician; but he feared his eagerness might be taken for a symptom of derangement, and he affected to smile away Dr. Stell’s allusion.
Granice was silent. He wanted to reaffirm his guilt and bring up the new points that had come to him since his last conversation with the doctor; but he worried that his eagerness might be seen as a sign of insanity, so he pretended to brush off Dr. Stell's comment with a smile.
“You think, then, it’s a case of brain-fag—nothing more?”
“You think, then, it’s just mental fatigue—nothing more?”
“Nothing more. And I should advise you to knock off tobacco. You smoke a good deal, don’t you?”
“Nothing else. And I think you should consider quitting tobacco. You smoke quite a bit, don’t you?”
He developed his treatment, recommending massage, gymnastics, travel, or any form of diversion that did not—that in short—
He created his treatment, suggesting massage, exercise, travel, or any kind of distraction that didn’t—that in short—
Granice interrupted him impatiently. “Oh, I loathe all that—and I’m sick of travelling.”
Granice interrupted him, frustrated. “Oh, I hate all that—and I’m tired of traveling.”
“H’m. Then some larger interest—politics, reform, philanthropy? Something to take you out of yourself.”
“Hmm. So, some bigger interest—politics, reform, charity? Something to help you focus on something outside of yourself.”
“Yes. I understand,” said Granice wearily.
"Yeah. I get it," Granice said wearily.
“Above all, don’t lose heart. I see hundreds of cases like yours,” the doctor added cheerfully from the threshold.
“Above all, don’t lose hope. I see hundreds of cases like yours,” the doctor said cheerfully from the doorway.
On the doorstep Granice stood still and laughed. Hundreds of cases like his—the case of a man who had committed a murder, who confessed his guilt, and whom no one would believe! Why, there had never been a case like it in the world. What a good figure Stell would have made in a play: the great alienist who couldn’t read a man’s mind any better than that!
On the doorstep, Granice stood still and laughed. Hundreds of cases like his—the case of a man who had committed murder, confessed his guilt, and no one would believe him! There had never been a case like it in the world. What a great character Stell would make in a play: the brilliant psychiatrist who couldn’t read a person’s mind any better than that!
Granice saw huge comic opportunities in the type.
Granice saw big comedic opportunities in the type.
But as he walked away, his fears dispelled, the sense of listlessness returned on him. For the first time since his avowal to Peter Ascham he found himself without an occupation, and understood that he had been carried through the past weeks only by the necessity of constant action. Now his life had once more become a stagnant backwater, and as he stood on the street corner watching the tides of traffic sweep by, he asked himself despairingly how much longer he could endure to float about in the sluggish circle of his consciousness.
But as he walked away, his fears faded, and the feeling of aimlessness hit him again. For the first time since he opened up to Peter Ascham, he realized he was without a purpose, and he understood that he had only gotten through the past few weeks by the need to keep busy. Now his life had turned into a stagnant pool once more, and as he stood at the street corner watching the flow of traffic go by, he wondered despairingly how much longer he could stand drifting in the dull cycle of his thoughts.
The thought of self-destruction recurred to him; but again his flesh recoiled. He yearned for death from other hands, but he could never take it from his own. And, aside from his insuperable physical reluctance, another motive restrained him. He was possessed by the dogged desire to establish the truth of his story. He refused to be swept aside as an irresponsible dreamer—even if he had to kill himself in the end, he would not do so before proving to society that he had deserved death from it.
The thought of ending his own life came back to him; but once again, his body felt repulsed by it. He longed for death at someone else's hands, but he could never bring himself to do it. Besides his overwhelming physical resistance, there was another reason holding him back. He was driven by an unyielding desire to prove the truth of his story. He wouldn’t let himself be dismissed as an irresponsible dreamer—even if he had to die in the end, he wouldn’t do it before showing society that he deserved death from it.
He began to write long letters to the papers; but after the first had been published and commented on, public curiosity was quelled by a brief statement from the District Attorney’s office, and the rest of his communications remained unprinted. Ascham came to see him, and begged him to travel. Robert Denver dropped in, and tried to joke him out of his delusion; till Granice, mistrustful of their motives, began to dread the reappearance of Dr. Stell, and set a guard on his lips. But the words he kept back engendered others and still others in his brain. His inner self became a humming factory of arguments, and he spent long hours reciting and writing down elaborate statements of his crime, which he constantly retouched and developed. Then gradually his activity languished under the lack of an audience, the sense of being buried beneath deepening drifts of indifference. In a passion of resentment he swore that he would prove himself a murderer, even if he had to commit another crime to do it; and for a sleepless night or two the thought flamed red on his darkness. But daylight dispelled it. The determining impulse was lacking and he hated too promiscuously to choose his victim... So he was thrown back on the unavailing struggle to impose the truth of his story. As fast as one channel closed on him he tried to pierce another through the sliding sands of incredulity. But every issue seemed blocked, and the whole human race leagued together to cheat one man of the right to die.
He started writing long letters to the newspapers; but after the first one was published and discussed, public interest faded away after a short statement from the District Attorney’s office, and the rest of his letters went unprinted. Ascham came to visit him and urged him to travel. Robert Denver dropped by and attempted to joke him out of his obsession; until Granice, suspicious of their motives, began to fear Dr. Stell's return and became tight-lipped. But the words he held back sparked more and more thoughts in his mind. His inner self turned into a buzzing factory of arguments, and he spent long hours reciting and writing down elaborate accounts of his crime, which he constantly revised and expanded. Then gradually, his motivation waned due to the lack of an audience, feeling buried under growing layers of indifference. In a fit of anger, he vowed to prove himself a murderer, even if he had to commit another crime to do it; and for a night or two without sleep, that thought burned brightly in his dark mind. But as sunlight came, it faded away. He lacked the decisive impulse and resented everyone too broadly to settle on a victim... So he was left with the futile struggle to establish the truth of his story. Whenever one avenue closed on him, he tried to break through another in the shifting sands of disbelief. But every path seemed blocked, and humanity seemed united in denying one man the right to die.
Thus viewed, the situation became so monstrous that he lost his last shred of self-restraint in contemplating it. What if he were really the victim of some mocking experiment, the centre of a ring of holiday-makers jeering at a poor creature in its blind dashes against the solid walls of consciousness? But, no—men were not so uniformly cruel: there were flaws in the close surface of their indifference, cracks of weakness and pity here and there...
Thus viewed, the situation became so outrageous that he lost his last bit of self-control while thinking about it. What if he really was the target of some cruel experiment, the center of a group of vacationers laughing at a poor soul as it blindly slammed against the solid walls of awareness? But no—people weren't that consistently cruel: there were imperfections in their indifference, cracks of weakness and pity here and there...
Granice began to think that his mistake lay in having appealed to persons more or less familiar with his past, and to whom the visible conformities of his life seemed a final disproof of its one fierce secret deviation. The general tendency was to take for the whole of life the slit seen between the blinders of habit: and in his walk down that narrow vista Granice cut a correct enough figure. To a vision free to follow his whole orbit his story would be more intelligible: it would be easier to convince a chance idler in the street than the trained intelligence hampered by a sense of his antecedents. This idea shot up in him with the tropic luxuriance of each new seed of thought, and he began to walk the streets, and to frequent out-of-the-way chop-houses and bars in his search for the impartial stranger to whom he should disclose himself.
Granice started to realize that his mistake was in reaching out to people who were somewhat familiar with his past, and for whom the visible aspects of his life seemed to completely contradict its one intense hidden truth. Most people tended to see only the narrow part of life that they were used to: and in that limited view, Granice looked completely respectable. To someone who could see his entire life story, however, things would make more sense: it would be easier to persuade a random passerby in the street than an informed individual burdened by their knowledge of his past. This idea blossomed in him with the vibrant growth of every new thought, and he began to wander the streets, seeking out little-known eateries and bars, hoping to find an impartial stranger to whom he could reveal himself.
At first every face looked encouragement; but at the crucial moment he always held back. So much was at stake, and it was so essential that his first choice should be decisive. He dreaded stupidity, timidity, intolerance. The imaginative eye, the furrowed brow, were what he sought. He must reveal himself only to a heart versed in the tortuous motions of the human will; and he began to hate the dull benevolence of the average face. Once or twice, obscurely, allusively, he made a beginning—once sitting down at a man’s side in a basement chop-house, another day approaching a lounger on an east-side wharf. But in both cases the premonition of failure checked him on the brink of avowal. His dread of being taken for a man in the clutch of a fixed idea gave him an unnatural keenness in reading the expression of his interlocutors, and he had provided himself in advance with a series of verbal alternatives, trap-doors of evasion from the first dart of ridicule or suspicion.
At first, every face seemed encouraging; but at the crucial moment, he always held back. So much was at stake, and it was essential that his first choice be decisive. He feared stupidity, timidity, and intolerance. He sought the imaginative eye and the furrowed brow. He wanted to reveal himself only to someone who understood the complex moves of the human will, and he began to dislike the bland kindness of the average face. Once or twice, vaguely and indirectly, he tried to start a conversation—once while sitting next to a man in a basement diner, and another time approaching someone lounging by an east-side wharf. But in both situations, his fear of failure stopped him just before he could express himself. His anxiety about being seen as someone stuck on a fixed idea made him overly observant of the expressions of those he spoke to, and he had prepared in advance a series of responses, escape routes to avoid the first sting of ridicule or suspicion.
He passed the greater part of the day in the streets, coming home at irregular hours, dreading the silence and orderliness of his apartment, and the critical scrutiny of Flint. His real life was spent in a world so remote from this familiar setting that he sometimes had the mysterious sense of a living metempsychosis, a furtive passage from one identity to another—yet the other as unescapably himself!
He spent most of the day wandering the streets, coming home at odd hours, afraid of the quiet and order of his apartment, and the judgment of Flint. His real life was in a world so far from this familiar place that he sometimes felt like he was going through a strange transformation, secretly shifting from one identity to another—yet still unavoidably himself!
One humiliation he was spared: the desire to live never revived in him. Not for a moment was he tempted to a shabby pact with existing conditions. He wanted to die, wanted it with the fixed unwavering desire which alone attains its end. And still the end eluded him! It would not always, of course—he had full faith in the dark star of his destiny. And he could prove it best by repeating his story, persistently and indefatigably, pouring it into indifferent ears, hammering it into dull brains, till at last it kindled a spark, and some one of the careless millions paused, listened, believed...
One humiliation he didn’t have to face: the desire to live never came back to him. Not for a second was he tempted to make a pathetic deal with the current situation. He wanted to die, wanted it with the steady, unwavering desire that alone achieves its goal. And yet, the end kept escaping him! It wouldn’t always, of course—he had complete faith in the dark force of his fate. And he could prove it best by continuously sharing his story, tirelessly and persistently, pouring it into indifferent ears, hammering it into dull minds, until finally it sparked something, and one of the careless millions stopped, listened, believed...
It was a mild March day, and he had been loitering on the west-side docks, looking at faces. He was becoming an expert in physiognomies: his eagerness no longer made rash darts and awkward recoils. He knew now the face he needed, as clearly as if it had come to him in a vision; and not till he found it would he speak. As he walked eastward through the shabby reeking streets he had a premonition that he should find it that morning. Perhaps it was the promise of spring in the air—certainly he felt calmer than for many days...
It was a mild March day, and he had been hanging out at the west-side docks, looking at faces. He was getting really good at reading people's faces: his curiosity no longer led to impulsive actions and awkward retreats. He now recognized the face he needed, as clearly as if it had appeared to him in a dream; he wouldn’t speak until he found it. As he walked east through the rundown, smelly streets, he had a feeling that he would find it that morning. Maybe it was the hint of spring in the air—he definitely felt more at ease than he had for many days...
He turned into Washington Square, struck across it obliquely, and walked up University Place. Its heterogeneous passers always allured him—they were less hurried than in Broadway, less enclosed and classified than in Fifth Avenue. He walked slowly, watching for his face.
He entered Washington Square, crossed it diagonally, and headed up University Place. The diverse crowd always fascinated him—they were less rushed than on Broadway, less confined and categorized than on Fifth Avenue. He walked slowly, looking for his reflection.
At Union Square he felt a sudden relapse into discouragement, like a votary who has watched too long for a sign from the altar. Perhaps, after all, he should never find his face... The air was languid, and he felt tired. He walked between the bald grass-plots and the twisted trees, making for an empty seat. Presently he passed a bench on which a girl sat alone, and something as definite as the twitch of a cord made him stop before her. He had never dreamed of telling his story to a girl, had hardly looked at the women’s faces as they passed. His case was man’s work: how could a woman help him? But this girl’s face was extraordinary—quiet and wide as a clear evening sky. It suggested a hundred images of space, distance, mystery, like ships he had seen, as a boy, quietly berthed by a familiar wharf, but with the breath of far seas and strange harbours in their shrouds... Certainly this girl would understand. He went up to her quietly, lifting his hat, observing the forms—wishing her to see at once that he was “a gentleman.”
At Union Square, he suddenly felt a wave of discouragement, like someone waiting too long for a sign from the altar. Maybe he would never find his way... The air was heavy, and he felt drained. He walked between the bare grass patches and the twisted trees, heading for an empty bench. Soon, he passed a bench where a girl sat alone, and something made him stop in front of her. He had never imagined sharing his story with a girl and had barely looked at the women’s faces as they walked by. This was a man’s problem: how could a woman help him? But this girl’s face was amazing—calm and wide like a clear evening sky. It evoked a hundred images of space, distance, and mystery, like ships he had seen as a boy, quietly docked at a familiar wharf, yet carrying the essence of distant seas and strange ports in their sails... Surely, this girl would understand. He approached her quietly, lifted his hat, and made an effort to show her that he was “a gentleman.”
“I am a stranger to you,” he began, sitting down beside her, “but your face is so extremely intelligent that I feel... I feel it is the face I’ve waited for ... looked for everywhere; and I want to tell you—”
“I’m a stranger to you,” he started, sitting down next to her, “but your face is so incredibly intelligent that I feel... I feel like it’s the face I’ve been waiting for ... searching for everywhere; and I want to tell you—”
The girl’s eyes widened: she rose to her feet. She was escaping him!
The girl’s eyes widened: she stood up. She was getting away from him!
In his dismay he ran a few steps after her, and caught her roughly by the arm.
In his frustration, he ran a few steps after her and grabbed her arm roughly.
“Here—wait—listen! Oh, don’t scream, you fool!” he shouted out.
“Hey—wait—listen! Oh, don’t scream, you idiot!” he shouted out.
He felt a hand on his own arm; turned and confronted a policeman. Instantly he understood that he was being arrested, and something hard within him was loosened and ran to tears.
He felt a hand on his arm; he turned and faced a police officer. Instantly, he realized he was being arrested, and something tough inside him broke free and turned into tears.
“Ah, you know—you know I’m guilty!”
“Ah, you know—you know I’m guilty!”
He was conscious that a crowd was forming, and that the girl’s frightened face had disappeared. But what did he care about her face? It was the policeman who had really understood him. He turned and followed, the crowd at his heels...
He was aware that a crowd was gathering and that the girl's terrified expression had vanished. But why should he care about her expression? It was the cop who really got him. He turned and followed, the crowd trailing behind him...
VII
IN the charming place in which he found himself there were so many sympathetic faces that he felt more than ever convinced of the certainty of making himself heard.
IN the charming place he was in, there were so many friendly faces that he felt more convinced than ever that he would be heard.
It was a bad blow, at first, to find that he had not been arrested for murder; but Ascham, who had come to him at once, explained that he needed rest, and the time to “review” his statements; it appeared that reiteration had made them a little confused and contradictory. To this end he had willingly acquiesced in his removal to a large quiet establishment, with an open space and trees about it, where he had found a number of intelligent companions, some, like himself, engaged in preparing or reviewing statements of their cases, and others ready to lend an interested ear to his own recital.
It was a tough blow at first to discover that he hadn’t been arrested for murder; but Ascham, who had come to see him right away, explained that he needed some rest and time to go over his statements. It seemed that repeating them had made things a bit confused and contradictory. To this end, he had willingly agreed to be moved to a large, quiet facility, surrounded by open space and trees, where he found several intelligent companions—some like him, working on or reviewing their case statements, and others eager to listen to his own story.
For a time he was content to let himself go on the tranquil current of this existence; but although his auditors gave him for the most part an encouraging attention, which, in some, went the length of really brilliant and helpful suggestion, he gradually felt a recurrence of his old doubts. Either his hearers were not sincere, or else they had less power to aid him than they boasted. His interminable conferences resulted in nothing, and as the benefit of the long rest made itself felt, it produced an increased mental lucidity which rendered inaction more and more unbearable. At length he discovered that on certain days visitors from the outer world were admitted to his retreat; and he wrote out long and logically constructed relations of his crime, and furtively slipped them into the hands of these messengers of hope.
For a while, he was happy to go along with the calm flow of this life; but even though his listeners mostly paid him encouraging attention, with some offering truly brilliant and helpful suggestions, he gradually started to feel his old doubts creeping back. Either his audience wasn't sincere, or they had less ability to help him than they claimed. His endless discussions led to nothing, and as the benefits of the long break became obvious, it brought an increased mental clarity that made inaction feel more and more intolerable. Eventually, he found out that on certain days, visitors from the outside world were allowed into his retreat; and he wrote detailed, logically structured accounts of his crime and secretly slipped them into the hands of these messengers of hope.
This occupation gave him a fresh lease of patience, and he now lived only to watch for the visitors’ days, and scan the faces that swept by him like stars seen and lost in the rifts of a hurrying sky.
This job gave him a new sense of patience, and he now lived only to look forward to the days when visitors came and to observe the faces that passed by him like stars appearing and disappearing in the gaps of a fast-moving sky.
Mostly, these faces were strange and less intelligent than those of his companions. But they represented his last means of access to the world, a kind of subterranean channel on which he could set his “statements” afloat, like paper boats which the mysterious current might sweep out into the open seas of life.
Mostly, these faces were unfamiliar and not as sharp as those of his friends. But they were his last way to connect with the world, a sort of hidden pathway where he could send his “statements” out, like paper boats that the unseen current might carry into the vast oceans of life.
One day, however, his attention was arrested by a familiar contour, a pair of bright prominent eyes, and a chin insufficiently shaved. He sprang up and stood in the path of Peter McCarren.
One day, though, his attention was caught by a familiar shape, a pair of bright, prominent eyes, and a chin that hadn’t been shaved properly. He jumped up and blocked the path of Peter McCarren.
The journalist looked at him doubtfully, then held out his hand with a startled deprecating, “Why—?”
The journalist looked at him skeptically, then extended his hand with a surprised, “Why—?”
“You didn’t know me? I’m so changed?” Granice faltered, feeling the rebound of the other’s wonder.
“You didn’t know me? I’ve changed so much?” Granice hesitated, feeling the other person’s surprise bounce back at her.
“Why, no; but you’re looking quieter—smoothed out,” McCarren smiled.
“Why, no; but you seem calmer—more relaxed,” McCarren smiled.
“Yes: that’s what I’m here for—to rest. And I’ve taken the opportunity to write out a clearer statement—”
“Yes: that’s what I’m here for—to relax. And I’ve taken the chance to write a clearer statement—”
Granice’s hand shook so that he could hardly draw the folded paper from his pocket. As he did so he noticed that the reporter was accompanied by a tall man with grave compassionate eyes. It came to Granice in a wild thrill of conviction that this was the face he had waited for...
Granice's hand shook so much that he could barely pull the folded paper from his pocket. As he did, he saw that the reporter was with a tall man who had serious, compassionate eyes. In a surge of certainty, Granice realized this was the face he had been waiting for...
“Perhaps your friend—he is your friend?—would glance over it—or I could put the case in a few words if you have time?” Granice’s voice shook like his hand. If this chance escaped him he felt that his last hope was gone. McCarren and the stranger looked at each other, and the former glanced at his watch.
“Maybe your friend—he is your friend?—could take a look at it—or I can summarize the situation briefly if you have time?” Granice’s voice trembled like his hand. If he missed this opportunity, he felt like his last hope was lost. McCarren and the stranger exchanged glances, and McCarren checked his watch.
“I’m sorry we can’t stay and talk it over now, Mr. Granice; but my friend has an engagement, and we’re rather pressed—”
“I’m sorry we can’t stay and talk about it right now, Mr. Granice; but my friend has plans, and we’re in a bit of a hurry—”
Granice continued to proffer the paper. “I’m sorry—I think I could have explained. But you’ll take this, at any rate?”
Granice kept offering the paper. “I’m sorry—I feel like I could have explained it better. But you will take this, right?”
The stranger looked at him gently. “Certainly—I’ll take it.” He had his hand out. “Good-bye.”
The stranger looked at him kindly. “Of course—I’ll take it.” He reached out his hand. “Goodbye.”
“Good-bye,” Granice echoed.
“Goodbye,” Granice echoed.
He stood watching the two men move away from him through the long light hall; and as he watched them a tear ran down his face. But as soon as they were out of sight he turned and walked hastily toward his room, beginning to hope again, already planning a new statement.
He stood there watching the two men move away from him down the long, bright hall; and as he watched them, a tear ran down his face. But as soon as they were out of sight, he turned and hurried toward his room, starting to feel hopeful again, already planning a new statement.
Outside the building the two men stood still, and the journalist’s companion looked up curiously at the long monotonous rows of barred windows.
Outside the building, the two men stood still, and the journalist’s companion looked up curiously at the long, monotonous rows of barred windows.
“So that was Granice?”
"So, that was Granice?"
“Yes—that was Granice, poor devil,” said McCarren.
“Yes—that was Granice, poor guy,” said McCarren.
“Strange case! I suppose there’s never been one just like it? He’s still absolutely convinced that he committed that murder?”
“Strange case! I guess there’s never been one quite like it? He’s still totally convinced that he committed that murder?”
“Absolutely. Yes.”
"Definitely. Yes."
The stranger reflected. “And there was no conceivable ground for the idea? No one could make out how it started? A quiet conventional sort of fellow like that—where do you suppose he got such a delusion? Did you ever get the least clue to it?”
The stranger thought for a moment. “So there was no understandable reason for the idea? No one could figure out how it began? A calm, ordinary guy like that—where do you think he got such a crazy thought? Did you ever get any hint about it?”
McCarren stood still, his hands in his pockets, his head cocked up in contemplation of the barred windows. Then he turned his bright hard gaze on his companion.
McCarren stood still, his hands in his pockets, his head tilted up as he contemplated the barred windows. Then he turned his sharp, intense gaze on his companion.
“That was the queer part of it. I’ve never spoken of it—but I did get a clue.”
"That was the strange part of it. I've never talked about it—but I did get a hint."
“By Jove! That’s interesting. What was it?”
“Wow! That’s interesting. What was it?”
McCarren formed his red lips into a whistle. “Why—that it wasn’t a delusion.”
McCarren puckered his red lips and whistled. "Wow—that it wasn't just an illusion."
He produced his effect—the other turned on him with a pallid stare.
He made his impact—the other looked at him with a pale stare.
“He murdered the man all right. I tumbled on the truth by the merest accident, when I’d pretty nearly chucked the whole job.”
“He really did kill the guy. I stumbled upon the truth purely by accident, just when I was about to give up on the whole thing.”
“He murdered him—murdered his cousin?”
"He killed him—killed his cousin?"
“Sure as you live. Only don’t split on me. It’s about the queerest business I ever ran into... Do about it? Why, what was I to do? I couldn’t hang the poor devil, could I? Lord, but I was glad when they collared him, and had him stowed away safe in there!”
“Sure as you live. Just don’t rat on me. It’s the strangest situation I’ve ever encountered... What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just hang the poor guy, could I? Man, was I relieved when they caught him and locked him up safely!”
The tall man listened with a grave face, grasping Granice’s statement in his hand.
The tall man listened with a serious expression, holding Granice’s statement in his hand.
“Here—take this; it makes me sick,” he said abruptly, thrusting the paper at the reporter; and the two men turned and walked in silence to the gates.
“Here—take this; it makes me feel sick,” he said suddenly, shoving the paper at the reporter; and the two men turned and walked in silence to the gates.
HIS FATHER’S SON
I
AFTER his wife’s death Mason Grew took the momentous step of selling out his business and moving from Wingfield, Connecticut, to Brooklyn.
AFTER his wife’s death, Mason Grew made the significant decision to sell his business and move from Wingfield, Connecticut, to Brooklyn.
For years he had secretly nursed the hope of such a change, but had never dared to suggest it to Mrs. Grew, a woman of immutable habits. Mr. Grew himself was attached to Wingfield, where he had grown up, prospered, and become what the local press described as “prominent.” He was attached to his ugly brick house with sandstone trimmings and a cast-iron area-railing neatly sanded to match; to the similar row of houses across the street, the “trolley” wires forming a kind of aerial pathway between, and the sprawling vista closed by the steeple of the church which he and his wife had always attended, and where their only child had been baptized.
For years, he had secretly hoped for a change like that but never dared to bring it up with Mrs. Grew, a woman set in her ways. Mr. Grew was attached to Wingfield, where he had grown up, thrived, and become what the local news called “prominent.” He was fond of his ugly brick house with sandstone details and a cast-iron railing that was neatly sanded to match. He also appreciated the similar row of houses across the street, with “trolley” wires creating an aerial pathway between them, and the sprawling view was completed by the church steeple where he and his wife had always attended and where their only child had been baptized.
It was hard to snap all these threads of association, visual and sentimental; yet still harder, now that he was alone, to live so far from his boy. Ronald Grew was practising law in New York, and there was no more chance of returning to live at Wingfield than of a river’s flowing inland from the sea. Therefore to be near him his father must move; and it was characteristic of Mr. Grew, and of the situation generally, that the translation, when it took place, was to Brooklyn, and not to New York.
It was tough to break all these connections, both visual and emotional; but it was even harder, now that he was alone, to be so far from his son. Ronald Grew was practicing law in New York, and there was no chance of returning to live at Wingfield, just like a river wouldn't flow inland from the sea. So, to be closer to him, his father would have to move; and true to Mr. Grew's character and the situation as a whole, when the move happened, it was to Brooklyn, not New York.
“Why you bury yourself in that hole I can’t think,” had been Ronald’s comment; and Mr. Grew simply replied that rents were lower in Brooklyn, and that he had heard of a house that would suit him. In reality he had said to himself—being the only recipient of his own confidences—that if he went to New York he might be on the boy’s mind; whereas, if he lived in Brooklyn, Ronald would always have a good excuse for not popping over to see him every other day. The sociological isolation of Brooklyn, combined with its geographical nearness, presented in fact the precise conditions for Mr. Grew’s case. He wanted to be near enough to New York to go there often, to feel under his feet the same pavement that Ronald trod, to sit now and then in the same theatres, and find on his breakfast-table the journals which, with increasing frequency, inserted Ronald’s name in the sacred bounds of the society column. It had always been a trial to Mr. Grew to have to wait twenty-four hours to read that “among those present was Mr. Ronald Grew.” Now he had it with his coffee, and left it on the breakfast-table to the perusal of a “hired girl” cosmopolitan enough to do it justice. In such ways Brooklyn attested the advantages of its propinquity to New York, while remaining, as regards Ronald’s duty to his father, as remote and inaccessible as Wingfield.
“Why you bury yourself in that hole, I can’t understand,” was Ronald’s comment; and Mr. Grew simply replied that rents were lower in Brooklyn and that he had heard of a house that would suit him. In reality, he had told himself—being the only one he confided in—that if he moved to New York, he might be on the boy’s mind; whereas, if he lived in Brooklyn, Ronald would always have a solid excuse for not stopping by to see him every other day. The social isolation of Brooklyn, combined with its close proximity, actually provided the perfect conditions for Mr. Grew’s situation. He wanted to be close enough to New York to visit often, to feel the same pavement under his feet that Ronald walked on, to sit occasionally in the same theaters, and to find on his breakfast table the publications that, with increasing frequency, mentioned Ronald’s name in the coveted society column. It had always been frustrating for Mr. Grew to wait an entire day just to read that “among those present was Mr. Ronald Grew.” Now he had it with his coffee and left it on the breakfast table for a “hired girl” cosmopolitan enough to appreciate it. In such ways, Brooklyn proved the benefits of its closeness to New York, while remaining, in terms of Ronald’s duty to his father, as distant and unreachable as Wingfield.
It was not that Ronald shirked his filial obligations, but rather because of his heavy sense of them, that Mr. Grew so persistently sought to minimize and lighten them. It was he who insisted, to Ronald, on the immense difficulty of getting from New York to Brooklyn.
It wasn't that Ronald avoided his family responsibilities, but because he felt them so deeply that Mr. Grew continuously tried to downplay and ease them. He was the one who emphasized to Ronald how incredibly challenging it was to travel from New York to Brooklyn.
“Any way you look at it, it makes a big hole in the day; and there’s not much use in the ragged rim left. You say you’re dining out next Sunday? Then I forbid you to come over here for lunch. Do you understand me, sir? You disobey at the risk of your father’s malediction! Where did you say you were dining? With the Waltham Bankshires again? Why, that’s the second time in three weeks, ain’t it? Big blow-out, I suppose? Gold plate and orchids—opera singers in afterward? Well, you’d be in a nice box if there was a fog on the river, and you got hung up half-way over. That’d be a handsome return for the attention Mrs. Bankshire has shown you—singling out a whipper-snapper like you twice in three weeks! (What’s the daughter’s name—Daisy?) No, sir—don’t you come fooling round here next Sunday, or I’ll set the dogs on you. And you wouldn’t find me in anyhow, come to think of it. I’m lunching out myself, as it happens—yes sir, lunching out. Is there anything especially comic in my lunching out? I don’t often do it, you say? Well, that’s no reason why I never should. Who with? Why, with—with old Dr. Bleaker: Dr. Eliphalet Bleaker. No, you wouldn’t know about him—he’s only an old friend of your mother’s and mine.”
"Any way you slice it, it really takes up a chunk of the day, and there’s not much value in the rough edge that’s left. You said you’re going out for dinner next Sunday? Then I’m telling you not to come over here for lunch. Do you get what I’m saying, sir? You disobey at the risk of your father's curse! Where did you say you were dining? With the Waltham Bankshires again? That’s the second time in three weeks, isn’t it? Big party, I guess? Fancy plates and flowers—opera singers afterward? Well, you’d be in quite a predicament if there was a fog on the river and you got stuck halfway across. That’d be a nice way to repay Mrs. Bankshire for all the attention she’s given you—picking a young guy like you twice in three weeks! (What’s the daughter’s name—Daisy?) No, sir—don’t even think about showing up here next Sunday, or I’ll set the dogs on you. And honestly, you wouldn’t find me here anyway. I’m eating out myself, as it happens—yes, eating out. Is there something funny about me eating out? You say I don’t do it often? Well, that’s no excuse for me never to do it. Who with? Oh, with—old Dr. Bleaker: Dr. Eliphalet Bleaker. No, you wouldn’t know him—he’s just an old friend of your mother’s and mine."
Gradually Ronald’s insistence became less difficult to overcome. With his customary sweetness and tact (as Mr. Grew put it) he began to “take the hint,” to give in to “the old gentleman’s” growing desire for solitude.
Gradually, Ronald's insistence became easier to manage. With his usual kindness and sensitivity (as Mr. Grew put it), he started to "take the hint" and give in to "the old gentleman's" increasing need for solitude.
“I’m set in my ways, Ronny, that’s about the size of it; I like to go tick-ticking along like a clock. I always did. And when you come bouncing in I never feel sure there’s enough for dinner—or that I haven’t sent Maria out for the evening. And I don’t want the neighbors to see me opening my own door to my son. That’s the kind of cringing snob I am. Don’t give me away, will you? I want ‘em to think I keep four or five powdered flunkeys in the hall day and night—same as the lobby of one of those Fifth Avenue hotels. And if you pop over when you’re not expected, how am I going to keep up the bluff?”
“I’m pretty set in my ways, Ronny, that’s just how it is; I like to go tick-tocking along like a clock. I always have. And when you come bouncing in, I never feel confident that there’s enough for dinner—or that I haven’t sent Maria out for the evening. Plus, I don’t want the neighbors to see me opening my own door for my son. That’s the kind of cringing snob I am. Don’t spill the beans, okay? I want them to think I keep four or five well-dressed helpers in the hall day and night—just like in the lobby of one of those Fifth Avenue hotels. And if you stop by unexpectedly, how am I supposed to keep up the act?”
Ronald yielded after the proper amount of resistance—his intuitive sense, in every social transaction, of the proper amount of force to be expended, was one of the qualities his father most admired in him. Mr. Grew’s perceptions in this line were probably more acute than his son suspected. The souls of short thick-set men, with chubby features, mutton-chop whiskers, and pale eyes peering between folds of fat like almond kernels in half-split shells—souls thus encased do not reveal themselves to the casual scrutiny as delicate emotional instruments. But in spite of the dense disguise in which he walked Mr. Grew vibrated exquisitely in response to every imaginative appeal; and his son Ronald was perpetually stimulating and feeding his imagination.
Ronald gave in after putting up the right amount of resistance—his instinct for knowing how much effort to use in every social interaction was one of the traits his father admired most about him. Mr. Grew’s insights in this area were likely sharper than his son realized. The souls of short, stocky men, with round faces, mutton-chop sideburns, and pale eyes peeking out from between rolls of fat like almond nuts in partially cracked shells—souls wrapped up like that don’t easily show themselves to casual observers as sensitive emotional beings. But even with the heavy disguise he wore, Mr. Grew reacted intensely to every imaginative prompt; and his son Ronald was always stimulating and nurturing his imagination.
Ronald in fact constituted his father’s one escape from the impenetrable element of mediocrity which had always hemmed him in. To a man so enamoured of beauty, and so little qualified to add to its sum total, it was a wonderful privilege to have bestowed on the world such a being. Ronald’s resemblance to Mr. Grew’s early conception of what he himself would have liked to look might have put new life into the discredited theory of pre-natal influences. At any rate, if the young man owed his beauty, his distinction and his winning manner to the dreams of one of his parents, it was certainly to those of Mr. Grew, who, while outwardly devoting his life to the manufacture and dissemination of Grew’s Secure Suspender Buckle, moved in an enchanted inward world peopled with all the figures of romance. In this high company Mr. Grew cut as brilliant a figure as any of its noble phantoms; and to see his vision of himself suddenly projected on the outer world in the shape of a brilliant popular conquering son, seemed, in retrospect, to give to that image a belated objective reality. There were even moments when, forgetting his physiognomy, Mr. Grew said to himself that if he’d had “half a chance” he might have done as well as Ronald; but this only fortified his resolve that Ronald should do infinitely better.
Ronald was actually his father’s only escape from the suffocating mediocrity that had always surrounded him. For a man so in love with beauty and so unqualified to contribute to it, it was an incredible privilege to bring such a remarkable person into the world. Ronald’s resemblance to Mr. Grew’s early vision of how he wished he could look might have revived the discredited theory of pre-natal influences. In any case, if the young man inherited his beauty, charm, and distinguished manner from one of his parents, it was certainly from Mr. Grew, who, while outwardly dedicating his life to making and selling Grew’s Secure Suspender Buckle, lived in a magical inner world filled with romantic figures. In this illustrious company, Mr. Grew shone as brightly as any of its noble spirits; and seeing his vision of himself suddenly manifested in the form of a brilliant, successful son seemed, in hindsight, to give that image a long-overdue tangible reality. There were even times when, forgetting his own looks, Mr. Grew thought that if he’d had “half a chance,” he might have done just as well as Ronald; but this only strengthened his determination that Ronald would do infinitely better.
Ronald’s ability to do well almost equalled his gift of looking well. Mr. Grew constantly affirmed to himself that the boy was “not a genius”; but, barring this slight deficiency, he was almost everything that a parent could wish. Even at Harvard he had managed to be several desirable things at once—writing poetry in the college magazine, playing delightfully “by ear,” acquitting himself honorably in his studies, and yet holding his own in the fashionable sporting set that formed, as it were, the gateway of the temple of Society. Mr. Grew’s idealism did not preclude the frank desire that his son should pass through that gateway; but the wish was not prompted by material considerations. It was Mr. Grew’s notion that, in the rough and hurrying current of a new civilization, the little pools of leisure and enjoyment must nurture delicate growths, material graces as well as moral refinements, likely to be uprooted and swept away by the rush of the main torrent. He based his theory on the fact that he had liked the few “society” people he had met—had found their manners simpler, their voices more agreeable, their views more consonant with his own, than those of the leading citizens of Wingfield. But then he had met very few.
Ronald’s ability to succeed almost matched his talent for looking good. Mr. Grew constantly reminded himself that the boy was “not a genius”; but aside from this minor shortcoming, he was nearly everything a parent could want. Even at Harvard, he managed to be several desirable things at once—writing poetry for the college magazine, playing beautifully “by ear,” doing well in his studies, and also fitting in with the trendy social crowd that served as the entrance to Society. Mr. Grew’s idealism didn’t stop him from wanting his son to step through that entrance; however, his wish wasn’t driven by material reasons. Mr. Grew believed that, in the fast-paced current of a new civilization, the small pockets of leisure and enjoyment should nurture delicate qualities, including both material elegance and moral refinement, which could easily be uprooted and swept away by the rush of the main stream. He based his opinion on the fact that he had liked the few “society” people he’d met—had found their manners simpler, their voices more pleasant, and their views more in line with his own than those of the prominent citizens of Wingfield. But then again, he had met very few.
Ronald’s sympathies needed no urging in the same direction. He took naturally, dauntlessly, to all the high and exceptional things about which his father’s imagination had so long sheepishly and ineffectually hovered—from the start he was what Mr. Grew had dreamed of being. And so precise, so detailed, was Mr. Grew’s vision of his own imaginary career, that as Ronald grew up, and began to travel in a widening orbit, his father had an almost uncanny sense of the extent to which that career was enacting itself before him. At Harvard, Ronald had done exactly what the hypothetical Mason Grew would have done, had not his actual self, at the same age, been working his way up in old Slagden’s button factory—the institution which was later to acquire fame, and even notoriety, as the birthplace of Grew’s Secure Suspender Buckle. Afterward, at a period when the actual Grew had passed from the factory to the bookkeeper’s desk, his invisible double had been reading law at Columbia—precisely again what Ronald did! But it was when the young man left the paths laid out for him by the parental hand, and cast himself boldly on the world, that his adventures began to bear the most astonishing resemblance to those of the unrealized Mason Grew. It was in New York that the scene of this hypothetical being’s first exploits had always been laid; and it was in New York that Ronald was to achieve his first triumph. There was nothing small or timid about Mr. Grew’s imagination; it had never stopped at anything between Wingfield and the metropolis. And the real Ronald had the same cosmic vision as his parent. He brushed aside with a contemptuous laugh his mother’s tearful entreaty that he should stay at Wingfield and continue the dynasty of the Grew Suspender Buckle. Mr. Grew knew that in reality Ronald winced at the Buckle, loathed it, blushed for his connection with it. Yet it was the Buckle that had seen him through Groton, Harvard and the Law School, and had permitted him to enter the office of a distinguished corporation lawyer, instead of being enslaved to some sordid business with quick returns. The Buckle had been Ronald’s fairy godmother—yet his father did not blame him for abhorring and disowning it. Mr. Grew himself often bitterly regretted having bestowed his own name on the instrument of his material success, though, at the time, his doing so had been the natural expression of his romanticism. When he invented the Buckle, and took out his patent, he and his wife both felt that to bestow their name on it was like naming a battle-ship or a peak of the Andes.
Ronald’s sympathies needed no encouragement. He naturally and fearlessly embraced all the high and exceptional aspirations that his father had long sheepishly and unsuccessfully fantasized about—from the beginning, he was what Mr. Grew had dreamed of becoming. Mr. Grew had such a clear, detailed vision of his imagined career that as Ronald grew up and began to explore a broader path, his father had an almost eerie sense of how that career was unfolding around him. At Harvard, Ronald did exactly what the hypothetical Mason Grew would have done if his real self, at that age, hadn’t been working his way up in old Slagden’s button factory—the place that would later gain fame, even notoriety, as the birthplace of Grew’s Secure Suspender Buckle. Later, at a time when the real Grew had moved from the factory to the bookkeeper’s desk, his invisible counterpart was studying law at Columbia—exactly like Ronald! But it was when the young man broke away from the paths laid out for him by his parents and boldly ventured into the world that his experiences started to closely resemble those of the unfulfilled Mason Grew. This hypothetical being’s first ventures were always set in New York; it was in New York that Ronald would achieve his first success. Mr. Grew's imagination was anything but small or timid; it never stopped short of anything between Wingfield and the big city. The real Ronald shared his father’s grand vision. He dismissed his mother’s tearful pleas to stay at Wingfield and continue the family legacy of the Grew Suspender Buckle with a scornful laugh. Mr. Grew knew that deep down, Ronald cringed at the Buckle, hated it, and felt embarrassed about being connected to it. Yet, it was the Buckle that had funded his education at Groton, Harvard, and Law School, allowing him to work for a prestigious corporate lawyer instead of being chained to some dreary job with quick profits. The Buckle had been Ronald’s fairy godmother—but his father didn’t blame him for despising it. Mr. Grew often regretted having attached his own name to the source of his financial success, even though, at the time, it had felt like a natural expression of his romantic ideals. When he invented the Buckle and patented it, he and his wife felt that naming it after themselves was akin to naming a battleship or a mountain peak in the Andes.
Mrs. Grew had never learned to know better; but Mr. Grew had discovered his error before Ronald was out of school. He read it first in a black eye of his boy’s. Ronald’s symmetry had been marred by the insolent fist of a fourth former whom he had chastised for alluding to his father as “Old Buckles;” and when Mr. Grew heard the epithet he understood in a flash that the Buckle was a thing to blush for. It was too late then to dissociate his name from it, or to efface from the hoardings of the entire continent the picture of two gentlemen, one contorting himself in the abject effort to repair a broken brace, while the careless ease of the other’s attitude proclaimed his trust in the Secure Suspender Buckle. These records were indelible, but Ronald could at least be spared all direct connection with them; and from that day Mr. Grew resolved that the boy should not return to Wingfield.
Mrs. Grew had never learned any better; but Mr. Grew had realized his mistake before Ronald finished school. He first noticed it in a black eye on his son’s face. Ronald’s good looks had been ruined by the arrogant punch of a senior student whom he had scolded for referring to his father as “Old Buckles;” and when Mr. Grew heard that nickname, he instantly understood that the Buckle was something to be embarrassed about. By then, it was too late to distance his name from it or to erase from billboards across the continent the image of two men, one awkwardly trying to fix a broken strap while the other relaxed confidently, relying on the Secure Suspender Buckle. Those images were impossible to erase, but at least Ronald could be kept away from any direct ties to them; and from that moment on, Mr. Grew decided that his son should not return to Wingfield.
“You’ll see,” he had said to Mrs. Grew, “he’ll take right hold in New York. Ronald’s got my knack for taking hold,” he added, throwing out his chest.
“You’ll see,” he told Mrs. Grew, “he’ll fit right in in New York. Ronald’s got my talent for making things happen,” he added, puffing out his chest.
“But the way you took hold was in business,” objected Mrs. Grew, who was large and literal.
“But the way you took charge was in business,” replied Mrs. Grew, who was big and straightforward.
Mr. Grew’s chest collapsed, and he became suddenly conscious of his comic face in its rim of sandy whiskers. “That’s not the only way,” he said, with a touch of wistfulness which escaped his wife’s analysis.
Mr. Grew’s chest sank, and he suddenly became aware of his funny face framed by sandy whiskers. “That’s not the only way,” he said, with a hint of longing that his wife didn’t analyze.
“Well, of course you could have written beautifully,” she rejoined with admiring eyes.
“Well, of course you could have written beautifully,” she responded with admiring eyes.
“ Written? Me!” Mr. Grew became sardonic.
“ Written? Me!” Mr. Grew said sarcastically.
“Why, those letters—weren’t they beautiful, I’d like to know?”
“Why, those letters—weren’t they beautiful, I’d like to know?”
The couple exchanged a glance, innocently allusive and amused on the wife’s part, and charged with a sudden tragic significance on the husband’s.
The couple shared a look, playfully suggestive and amused on the wife's side, and filled with unexpected tragic meaning on the husband's.
“Well, I’ve got to be going along to the office now,” he merely said, dragging himself out of his rocking-chair.
“Well, I’ve got to head to the office now,” he simply said, dragging himself out of his rocking chair.
This had happened while Ronald was still at school; and now Mrs. Grew slept in the Wingfield cemetery, under a life-size theological virtue of her own choosing, and Mr. Grew’s prognostications as to Ronald’s ability to “take right hold” in New York were being more and more brilliantly fulfilled.
This happened while Ronald was still in school; and now Mrs. Grew slept in the Wingfield cemetery, under a life-size statue of a theological virtue she had chosen for herself, and Mr. Grew’s predictions about Ronald’s ability to “get a foothold” in New York were being fulfilled more and more impressively.
II
RONALD obeyed his father’s injunction not to come to luncheon on the day of the Bankshires’ dinner; but in the middle of the following week Mr. Grew was surprised by a telegram from his son.
RONALD followed his father's request not to come for lunch on the day of the Bankshires' dinner; however, in the middle of the following week, Mr. Grew was surprised by a telegram from his son.
“Want to see you important matter. Expect me to-morrow afternoon.”
“Want to discuss something important. Expect me tomorrow afternoon.”
Mr. Grew received the telegram after breakfast. To peruse it he had lifted his eye from a paragraph of the morning paper describing a fancy-dress dinner which had taken place the night before at the Hamilton Gliddens’ for the house-warming of their new Fifth Avenue palace.
Mr. Grew got the telegram after breakfast. To read it, he had looked up from a paragraph of the morning paper that was talking about a costume dinner that happened the night before at the Hamilton Gliddens’ for the housewarming of their new palace on Fifth Avenue.
“Among the couples who afterward danced in the Poets’ Quadrille were Miss Daisy Bankshire, looking more than usually lovely as Laura, and Mr. Ronald Grew as the young Petrarch.”
“Among the couples who later danced in the Poets’ Quadrille were Miss Daisy Bankshire, looking especially beautiful as Laura, and Mr. Ronald Grew as the young Petrarch.”
Petrarch and Laura! Well—if anything meant anything, Mr. Grew supposed he knew what that meant. For weeks past he had noticed how constantly the names of the young people appeared together in the society notes he so insatiably devoured. Even the soulless reporter was getting into the habit of coupling them in his lists. And this Laura and Petrarch business was almost an announcement...
Petrarch and Laura! Well—if anything meant anything, Mr. Grew thought he knew what that meant. For weeks, he had observed how frequently the names of the young couple showed up together in the society notes he eagerly consumed. Even the heartless reporter had started to link them in his lists. And this Laura and Petrarch situation was almost like an announcement...
Mr. Grew dropped the telegram, wiped his eye-glasses, and re-read the paragraph. “Miss Daisy Bankshire ... more than usually lovely...” Yes; she was lovely. He had often seen her photograph in the papers—seen her represented in every conceivable attitude of the mundane game: fondling her prize bull-dog, taking a fence on her thoroughbred, dancing a gavotte, all patches and plumes, or fingering a guitar, all tulle and lilies; and once he had caught a glimpse of her at the theatre. Hearing that Ronald was going to a fashionable first-night with the Bankshires, Mr. Grew had for once overcome his repugnance to following his son’s movements, and had secured for himself, under the shadow of the balcony, a stall whence he could observe the Bankshire box without fear of detection. Ronald had never known of his father’s presence at the play; and for three blessed hours Mr. Grew had watched his boy’s handsome dark head bent above the dense fair hair and white averted shoulder that were all he could catch of Miss Bankshire’s beauties.
Mr. Grew dropped the telegram, cleaned his glasses, and read the paragraph again. “Miss Daisy Bankshire ... more than usually lovely...” Yes; she was lovely. He had often seen her picture in the news—seen her portrayed in every possible pose of ordinary life: cuddling her prize bulldog, jumping over a fence on her thoroughbred, dancing a gavotte, all dressed up in patches and feathers, or playing guitar, surrounded by tulle and lilies; and once he had caught a glimpse of her at the theater. Hearing that Ronald was going to a trendy premiere with the Bankshires, Mr. Grew had managed to set aside his dislike for tracking his son's outings and secured a seat under the balcony where he could watch the Bankshire box without being noticed. Ronald never knew his father was at the play; and for three wonderful hours, Mr. Grew watched his son’s handsome dark head bent over the thick fair hair and white turned shoulder that were all he could see of Miss Bankshire’s beauty.
He recalled the vision now; and with it came, as usual, its ghostly double: the vision of his young self bending above such a white shoulder and such shining hair. Needless to say that the real Mason Grew had never found himself in so enviable a situation. The late Mrs. Grew had no more resembled Miss Daisy Bankshire than he had looked like the happy victorious Ronald. And the mystery was that from their dull faces, their dull endearments, the miracle of Ronald should have sprung. It was almost—fantastically—as if the boy had been a changeling, child of a Latmian night, whom the divine companion of Mr. Grew’s early reveries had secretly laid in the cradle of the Wingfield bedroom while Mr. And Mrs. Grew slept the deep sleep of conjugal indifference.
He remembered the vision now; and with it came, as usual, its ghostly double: the image of his younger self leaning over such a white shoulder and that shining hair. Obviously, the real Mason Grew had never found himself in such an enviable position. The late Mrs. Grew bore no resemblance to Miss Daisy Bankshire, just as he hadn't looked like the happy, victorious Ronald. The mystery was that from their dull faces and unexciting affection, the miracle of Ronald had emerged. It was almost—fantastically—as if the boy had been a changeling, a child of a Latmian night, whom the divine companion of Mr. Grew’s early dreams had secretly placed in the cradle of the Wingfield bedroom while Mr. and Mrs. Grew slept the deep sleep of marital indifference.
The young Mason Grew had not at first accepted this astral episode as the complete cancelling of his claims on romance. He too had grasped at the high-hung glory; and, with his fatal tendency to reach too far when he reached at all, had singled out the prettiest girl in Wingfield. When he recalled his stammered confession of love his face still tingled under her cool bright stare. The wonder of his audacity had struck her dumb; and when she recovered her voice it was to fling a taunt at him.
The young Mason Grew hadn’t initially seen this astral experience as the total end of his hopes for romance. He had also reached for the high-hanging glory and, with his usual flaw of trying too hard, had focused on the prettiest girl in Wingfield. When he remembered his awkward confession of love, his face still felt warm under her cool, bright gaze. The surprise of his boldness had left her speechless; and when she found her voice again, she used it to mock him.
“Don’t be too discouraged, you know—have you ever thought of trying Addie Wicks?”
“Don’t get too down, you know—have you ever thought about trying Addie Wicks?”
All Wingfield would have understood the gibe: Addie Wicks was the dullest girl in town. And a year later he had married Addie Wicks...
All Wingfield would have understood the jab: Addie Wicks was the most boring girl in town. And a year later he had married Addie Wicks...
He looked up from the perusal of Ronald’s telegram with this memory in his mind. Now at last his dream was coming true! His boy would taste of the joys that had mocked his thwarted youth and his dull gray middle-age. And it was fitting that they should be realized in Ronald’s destiny. Ronald was made to take happiness boldly by the hand and lead it home like a bridegroom. He had the carriage, the confidence, the high faith in his fortune, that compel the wilful stars. And, thanks to the Buckle, he would have the exceptional setting, the background of material elegance, that became his conquering person. Since Mr. Grew had retired from business his investments had prospered, and he had been saving up his income for just such a contingency. His own wants were few: he had transferred the Wingfield furniture to Brooklyn, and his sitting-room was a replica of that in which the long years of his married life had been spent. Even the florid carpet on which Ronald’s tottering footsteps had been taken was carefully matched when it became too threadbare. And on the marble centre-table, with its chenille-fringed cover and bunch of dyed pampas grass, lay the illustrated Longfellow and the copy of Ingersoll’s lectures which represented literature to Mr. Grew when he had led home his bride. In the light of Ronald’s romance, Mr. Grew found himself re-living, with a strange tremor of mingled pain and tenderness, all the poor prosaic incidents of his own personal history. Curiously enough, with this new splendor on them they began to emit a small faint ray of their own. His wife’s armchair, in its usual place by the fire, recalled her placid unperceiving presence, seated opposite to him during the long drowsy years; and he felt her kindness, her equanimity, where formerly he had only ached at her obtuseness. And from the chair he glanced up at the large discolored photograph on the wall above, with a brittle brown wreath suspended on a corner of the frame. The photograph represented a young man with a poetic necktie and untrammelled hair, leaning negligently against a Gothic chair-back, a roll of music in his hand; and beneath was scrawled a bar of Chopin, with the words: “ Adieu, Adele.”
He looked up from reading Ronald’s telegram, holding onto this memory. Finally, his dream was coming true! His son would experience the joys that had eluded him during his unfulfilled youth and dull middle age. It was fitting that these moments were being realized in Ronald’s life. Ronald was the type to boldly grasp happiness and bring it home like a groom. He had the charm, confidence, and high hopes that could sway fate. And, thanks to the Buckle, he would have the unique backdrop of material luxury that matched his triumphant spirit. Since Mr. Grew had retired, his investments had thrived, and he had been saving his income for just such an occasion. His own needs were simple: he had moved the Wingfield furniture to Brooklyn, and his living room was a replica of the one where he'd spent many years of his married life. Even the colorful carpet, which Ronald had stumbled on as a toddler, was carefully matched when it became too worn down. On the marble coffee table, covered with a chenille fringe and a bunch of dyed pampas grass, were the illustrated edition of Longfellow and a copy of Ingersoll’s lectures, both of which represented literature to Mr. Grew when he brought his bride home. With the backdrop of Ronald’s romance, Mr. Grew found himself reliving the mundane episodes of his own life, mixed with a strange ache of both pain and warmth. In a curious way, these moments began to shine with a faint light of their own. His wife’s armchair, in its usual spot by the fire, reminded him of her calm, unaware presence sitting opposite him during the long, drowsy years; now he felt her kindness and balance, where before he had only felt frustrated by her lack of insight. From the chair, he looked up at the large, faded photograph on the wall above, with a brittle brown wreath hanging from one corner of the frame. The photo showed a young man with a stylish necktie and carefree hair, leaning casually against a Gothic chair-back, a roll of music in his hand; beneath it were the scrawled notes of Chopin, along with the words: “ Adieu, Adele.”
The portrait was that of the great pianist, Fortune Dolbrowski; and its presence on the wall of Mr. Grew’s sitting-room commemorated the only exquisite hour of his life save that of Ronald’s birth. It was some time before the latter memorable event, a few months only after Mr. Grew’s marriage, that he had taken his wife to New York to hear the great Dolbrowski. Their evening had been magically beautiful, and even Addie, roused from her habitual inexpressiveness, had quivered into a momentary semblance of life. “I never—I never—” she gasped out helplessly when they had regained their hotel bedroom, and sat staring back entranced at the evening’s evocations. Her large immovable face was pink and tremulous, and she sat with her hands on her knees, forgetting to roll up her bonnet-strings and prepare her curl-papers.
The portrait was of the great pianist, Fortune Dolbrowski; and having it on the wall of Mr. Grew’s living room marked the only truly wonderful hour of his life besides Ronald’s birth. This special moment happened some time before that memorable event, just a few months after Mr. Grew got married, when he took his wife to New York to see the amazing Dolbrowski perform. Their evening was magically beautiful, and even Addie, pulled from her usual silence, seemed to come to life for a brief moment. “I never—I never—” she exclaimed helplessly once they got back to their hotel room and sat, captivated, recalling the evening. Her large, expressionless face was flushed and trembling, and she sat with her hands on her knees, forgetting to tie up her bonnet strings and get her curl papers ready.
“I’d like to write him just how I felt—I wisht I knew how!” she burst out suddenly in a final effervescence of emotion.
“I’d like to write him exactly how I feel—I wish I knew how!” she exclaimed suddenly, overwhelmed with emotion.
Her husband lifted his head and looked at her.
Her husband raised his head and looked at her.
“Would you? I feel that way too,” he said with a sheepish laugh. And they continued to stare at each other shyly through a transfiguring mist of sound.
“Would you? I feel the same way,” he said with a slightly embarrassed laugh. And they continued to gaze at each other shyly through a transformative haze of sound.
Mr. Grew recalled the scene as he gazed up at the pianist’s faded photograph. “Well, I owe her that anyhow—poor Addie!” he said, with a smile at the inconsequences of fate. With Ronald’s telegram in his hand he was in a mood to count his mercies.
Mr. Grew remembered the scene as he looked up at the pianist’s worn photograph. “Well, I owe her that much—poor Addie!” he said, smiling at the quirks of fate. With Ronald’s telegram in his hand, he felt grateful for his blessings.
III
“A CLEAR twenty-five thousand a year: that’s what you can tell ‘em with my compliments,” said Mr. Grew, glancing complacently across the centre-table at his boy’s charming face.
“A solid twenty-five thousand a year: that’s what you can say, with my compliments,” Mr. Grew said, looking pleased as he glanced across the center table at his boy’s charming face.
It struck him that Ronald’s gift for looking his part in life had never so romantically expressed itself. Other young men, at such a moment, would have been red, damp, tight about the collar; but Ronald’s cheek was only a shade paler, and the contrast made his dark eyes more expressive.
It occurred to him that Ronald’s talent for fitting into his role in life had never been so romantically showcased. Other young men, in that moment, would have been flushed, sweaty, and uncomfortable; but Ronald's face was just a bit paler, which made his dark eyes stand out even more.
“A clear twenty-five thousand; yes, sir—that’s what I always meant you to have.”
“A clear twenty-five thousand; yes, that’s what I always wanted you to have.”
Mr. Grew leaned back, his hands thrust carelessly in his pockets, as though to divert attention from the agitation of his features. He had often pictured himself rolling out that phrase to Ronald, and now that it was actually on his lips he could not control their tremor.
Mr. Grew leaned back, his hands shoved casually in his pockets, as if to distract from the tension on his face. He had often imagined delivering that line to Ronald, and now that it was actually about to come out of his mouth, he couldn’t control how much he was shaking.
Ronald listened in silence, lifting a nervous hand to his slight dark moustache, as though he, too, wished to hide some involuntary betrayal of emotion. At first Mr. Grew took his silence for an expression of gratified surprise; but as it prolonged itself it became less easy to interpret.
Ronald listened quietly, raising a nervous hand to his slim dark mustache, as if he also wanted to conceal some unintended display of feeling. Initially, Mr. Grew thought his silence indicated pleased surprise; but as it went on, it became harder to read.
“I—see here, my boy; did you expect more? Isn’t it enough?” Mr. Grew cleared his throat. “Do they expect more?” he asked nervously. He was hardly able to face the pain of inflicting a disappointment on Ronald at the very moment when he had counted on putting the final touch to his felicity.
“I—look, my boy; did you expect something more? Isn’t this enough?” Mr. Grew cleared his throat. “Do they expect more?” he asked anxiously. He could barely handle the thought of disappointing Ronald just when he was hoping to add the final touch to his happiness.
Ronald moved uneasily in his chair and his eyes wandered upward to the laurel-wreathed photograph of the pianist above his father’s head.
Ronald shifted uncomfortably in his chair, and his gaze drifted up to the laurel-wreathed photograph of the pianist hanging above his father's head.
“ Is it that, Ronald? Speak out, my boy. We’ll see, we’ll look round—I’ll manage somehow.”
“Is that it, Ronald? Speak up, my boy. We’ll check it out—I’ll figure it out somehow.”
“No, no,” the young man interrupted, abruptly raising his hand as though to silence his father.
“No, no,” the young man interrupted, abruptly raising his hand as if to silence his father.
Mr. Grew recovered his cheerfulness. “Well, what’s the matter than, if she’s willing?”
Mr. Grew got his cheerfulness back. “Well, what's the problem then, if she's willing?”
Ronald shifted his position again, and finally rose from his seat.
Ronald changed his position again and finally got up from his seat.
“Father—I—there’s something I’ve got to tell you. I can’t take your money.”
“Dad—I—there’s something I need to tell you. I can’t accept your money.”
Mr. Grew sat speechless a moment, staring blankly at his son; then he emitted a puzzled laugh. “My money? What are you talking about? What’s this about my money? Why, it ain’t mine, Ronny; it’s all yours—every cent of it!” he cried.
Mr. Grew sat there, speechless for a moment, staring blankly at his son; then he let out a confused laugh. “My money? What are you talking about? What’s this about my money? It’s not mine, Ronny; it's all yours—every single cent!” he exclaimed.
The young man met his tender look with a gaze of tragic rejection.
The young man met her gentle gaze with a look of heartbreaking rejection.
“No, no, it’s not mine—not even in the sense you mean. Not in any sense. Can’t you understand my feeling so?”
“No, no, it’s not mine—not even in the way you think. Not in any way. Can’t you get how I feel about this?”
“Feeling so? I don’t know how you’re feeling. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Are you too proud to touch any money you haven’t earned? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”
“Feeling like that? I can’t tell how you feel. I’m not sure what you mean. Are you too proud to take any money you haven’t earned? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No. It’s not that. You must know—”
“No. It’s not that. You need to understand—”
Mr. Grew flushed to the rim of his bristling whiskers. “Know? Know what? Can’t you speak?”
Mr. Grew turned red to the tips of his bushy beard. “Know? Know what? Can’t you talk?”
Ronald hesitated, and the two men faced each other for a long strained moment, during which Mr. Grew’s congested countenance grew gradually pale again.
Ronald hesitated, and the two men faced each other for a long, tense moment, during which Mr. Grew's flushed face slowly turned pale again.
“What’s the meaning of this? Is it because you’ve done something ... something you’re ashamed of ... ashamed to tell me?” he suddenly gasped out; and walking around the table he laid his hand on his son’s shoulder. “There’s nothing you can’t tell me, my boy.”
“What’s this all about? Is it that you’ve done something ... something you’re embarrassed about ... embarrassed to share with me?” he suddenly exclaimed; and walking around the table, he placed his hand on his son’s shoulder. “There’s nothing you can’t tell me, my boy.”
“It’s not that. Why do you make it so hard for me?” Ronald broke out with passion. “You must have known this was sure to happen sooner or later.”
“It’s not that. Why do you make it so difficult for me?” Ronald exclaimed with passion. “You must have known this would eventually happen.”
“Happen? What was sure to hap—?” Mr. Grew’s question wavered on his lip and passed into a tremulous laugh. “Is it something I’ve done that you don’t approve of? Is it—is it the Buckle you’re ashamed of, Ronald Grew?”
“Happen? What was definitely going to happen—?” Mr. Grew's question faltered on his lips and turned into a shaky laugh. “Is it something I’ve done that you don't like? Is it—is it the Buckle you're embarrassed about, Ronald Grew?”
Ronald laughed too, impatiently. “The Buckle? No, I’m not ashamed of the Buckle; not any more than you are,” he returned with a sudden bright flush. “But I’m ashamed of all I owe to it—all I owe to you—when—when—” He broke off and took a few distracted steps across the room. “You might make this easier for me,” he protested, turning back to his father.
Ronald laughed as well, a bit impatiently. “The Buckle? No, I’m not embarrassed by the Buckle; not any more than you are,” he said, suddenly flushing bright red. “But I’m ashamed of everything I owe to it—all that I owe to you—when—when—” He paused and took a few distracted steps across the room. “You could make this easier for me,” he complained, turning back to his father.
“Make what easier? I know less and less what you’re driving at,” Mr. Grew groaned.
“Make what easier? I understand less and less about what you’re getting at,” Mr. Grew groaned.
Ronald’s walk had once more brought him beneath the photograph on the wall. He lifted his head for a moment and looked at it; then he looked again at Mr. Grew.
Ronald’s walk had once again taken him under the photograph on the wall. He raised his head for a moment and stared at it; then he glanced back at Mr. Grew.
“Do you suppose I haven’t always known?”
“Do you really think I haven’t always known?”
“Known—?”
"Have you heard—?"
“Even before you gave me those letters—after my mother’s death—even before that, I suspected. I don’t know how it began ... perhaps from little things you let drop ... you and she ... and resemblances that I couldn’t help seeing ... in myself ... How on earth could you suppose I shouldn’t guess? I always thought you gave me the letters as a way of telling me—”
“Even before you gave me those letters—after my mom passed away—even before that, I suspected something. I don’t know how it started... maybe from the little things you mentioned... you and her... and the similarities I couldn’t help noticing... in myself... How could you think I wouldn’t figure it out? I always thought you gave me the letters to let me know—”
Mr. Grew rose slowly from his chair. “The letters? Dolbrowski’s letters?”
Mr. Grew slowly got up from his chair. “The letters? Dolbrowski's letters?”
Ronald nodded with white lips. “You must remember giving them to me the day after the funeral.”
Ronald nodded, his lips pale. “You have to remember giving them to me the day after the funeral.”
Mr. Grew nodded back. “Of course. I wanted you to have everything your mother valued.”
Mr. Grew nodded in response. “Of course. I wanted you to have everything your mother cherished.”
“Well—how could I help knowing after that?”
“Well—how could I not know after that?”
“Knowing what?” Mr. Grew stood staring helplessly at his son. Suddenly his look caught at a clue that seemed to confront it with a deeper bewilderment. “You thought—you thought those letters ... Dolbrowski’s letters ... you thought they meant ...”
“Knowing what?” Mr. Grew stood there, staring helplessly at his son. Suddenly, he noticed a clue that seemed to deepen his confusion. “You thought—you thought those letters... Dolbrowski’s letters... you thought they meant...”
“Oh, it wasn’t only the letters. There were so many other signs. My love of music—my—all my feelings about life ... and art... And when you gave me the letters I thought you must mean me to know.”
“Oh, it wasn’t just the letters. There were so many other signs. My love for music—my—all my feelings about life ... and art... And when you gave me the letters, I thought you wanted me to understand.”
Mr. Grew had grown quiet. His lips were firm, and his small eyes looked out steadily from their creased lids.
Mr. Grew had become silent. His lips were tight, and his small eyes looked out steadily from their wrinkled lids.
“To know that you were Fortune Dolbrowski’s son?”
“To know that you were Fortune Dolbrowski’s son?”
Ronald made a mute sign of assent.
Ronald nodded in agreement.
“I see. And what did you mean to do?”
“I understand. What were you trying to do?”
“I meant to wait till I could earn my living, and then repay you ... as far as I can ever repay you... But now that there’s a chance of my marrying ... and your generosity overwhelms me ... I’m obliged to speak.”
"I planned to wait until I could support myself and then pay you back ... as much as I could ever repay you... But now that I might be getting married ... and your kindness is beyond what I can express ... I have to say something."
“I see,” said Mr. Grew again. He let himself down into his chair, looking steadily and not unkindly at the young man. “Sit down, Ronald. Let’s talk.”
“I see,” Mr. Grew said again. He settled into his chair, looking steadily and kindly at the young man. “Sit down, Ronald. Let’s talk.”
Ronald made a protesting movement. “Is anything to be gained by it? You can’t change me—change what I feel. The reading of those letters transformed my whole life—I was a boy till then: they made a man of me. From that moment I understood myself.” He paused, and then looked up at Mr. Grew’s face. “Don’t imagine I don’t appreciate your kindness—your extraordinary generosity. But I can’t go through life in disguise. And I want you to know that I have not won Daisy under false pretences—”
Ronald made a gesture of protest. “Is there any point to it? You can’t change me—change how I feel. Reading those letters changed my entire life—I was just a boy before that: they made me a man. From that moment, I understood myself.” He paused, then looked up at Mr. Grew. “Don’t think I don’t appreciate your kindness—your incredible generosity. But I can't live my life pretending to be someone I'm not. And I want you to know that I haven't won Daisy by pretending—”
Mr. Grew started up with the first expletive Ronald had ever heard on his lips.
Mr. Grew let out the first curse word Ronald had ever heard him say.
“You damned young fool, you, you haven’t told her—?”
“You damn young fool, you, you haven’t told her—?”
Ronald raised his head quickly. “Oh, you don’t know her, sir! She thinks no worse of me for knowing my secret. She is above and beyond all such conventional prejudices. She’s proud of my parentage—” he straightened his slim young shoulders—“as I’m proud of it ... yes, sir, proud of it...”
Ronald lifted his head quickly. “Oh, you don’t know her, sir! She doesn’t think any less of me for knowing my secret. She rises above all those conventional biases. She’s proud of my background—” he straightened his slim young shoulders—“and I’m proud of it too... yes, sir, proud of it...”
Mr. Grew sank back into his seat with a dry laugh. “Well, you ought to be. You come of good stock. And you’re father’s son, every inch of you!” He laughed again, as though the humor of the situation grew on him with its closer contemplation.
Mr. Grew sank back into his seat with a dry laugh. “Well, you should be. You come from good lineage. And you’re your father’s son, without a doubt!” He laughed again, as if the humor of the situation became clearer to him with more thought.
“Yes, I’ve always felt that,” Ronald murmured, flushing.
“Yes, I’ve always felt that,” Ronald said quietly, blushing.
“Your father’s son, and no mistake.” Mr. Grew leaned forward. “You’re the son of as big a fool as yourself. And here he sits, Ronald Grew.”
“Your dad’s son, no doubt about it.” Mr. Grew leaned in. “You’re the son of a fool just as big as you. And here he is, Ronald Grew.”
The young man’s flush deepened to crimson; but Mr. Grew checked his reply with a decisive gesture. “Here he sits, with all your young nonsense still alive in him. Don’t you see the likeness? If you don’t, I’ll tell you the story of those letters.”
The young man’s face turned bright red; but Mr. Grew stopped his response with a firm gesture. “Here he is, with all your youthful nonsense still in him. Can’t you see the resemblance? If you can’t, I’ll share the story behind those letters.”
Ronald stared. “What do you mean? Don’t they tell their own story?”
Ronald stared. “What do you mean? Don’t they share their own story?”
“I supposed they did when I gave them to you; but you’ve given it a twist that needs straightening out.” Mr. Grew squared his elbows on the table, and looked at the young man across the gift-books and the dyed pampas grass. “I wrote all the letters that Dolbrowski answered.”
“I thought they did when I gave them to you; but you’ve put a twist on it that needs fixing.” Mr. Grew rested his elbows on the table and looked at the young man across the gift books and the dyed pampas grass. “I wrote all the letters that Dolbrowski replied to.”
Ronald gave back his look in frowning perplexity. “You wrote them? I don’t understand. His letters are all addressed to my mother.”
Ronald returned the look with a frown of confusion. “You wrote them? I don’t get it. His letters are all addressed to my mom.”
“Yes. And he thought he was corresponding with her.”
“Yeah. And he believed he was communicating with her.”
“But my mother—what did she think?”
“But my mom—what did she think?”
Mr. Grew hesitated, puckering his thick lids. “Well, I guess she kinder thought it was a joke. Your mother didn’t think about things much.”
Mr. Grew hesitated, squinting his heavy eyelids. “Well, I think she kind of thought it was a joke. Your mom didn’t really think things through.”
Ronald continued to bend a puzzled frown on the question. “I don’t understand,” he reiterated.
Ronald kept wearing a confused frown at the question. “I don’t get it,” he repeated.
Mr. Grew cleared his throat with a nervous laugh. “Well, I don’t know as you ever will—quite. But this is the way it came about. I had a toughish time of it when I was young. Oh, I don’t mean so much the fight I had to put up to make my way—there was always plenty of fight in me. But inside of myself it was kinder lonesome. And the outside didn’t attract callers.” He laughed again, with an apologetic gesture toward his broad blinking face. “When I went round with the other young fellows I was always the forlorn hope—the one that had to eat the drumsticks and dance with the left-overs. As sure as there was a blighter at a picnic I had to swing her, and feed her, and drive her home. And all the time I was mad after all the things you’ve got—poetry and music and all the joy-forever business. So there were the pair of us—my face and my imagination—chained together, and fighting, and hating each other like poison.
Mr. Grew cleared his throat with a nervous laugh. “Well, I don’t know if you ever will—really. But here’s how it happened. I had a pretty rough time when I was younger. Oh, I don’t mean that I struggled to get by—there was always plenty of fight in me. But on the inside, it was pretty lonely. And the outside didn’t exactly attract visitors.” He laughed again, gesturing apologetically at his broad, blinking face. “Whenever I hung out with the other guys, I was always the last choice—the one stuck eating the drumsticks and dancing with the leftovers. As sure as there was someone annoying at a picnic, I had to swing her, feed her, and take her home. And all the while, I was crazy about all the things you have—poetry and music and all the joy-forever stuff. So there we were—my face and my imagination—chained together, fighting, and hating each other like poison.”
“Then your mother came along and took pity on me. It sets up a gawky fellow to find a girl who ain’t ashamed to be seen walking with him Sundays. And I was grateful to your mother, and we got along first-rate. Only I couldn’t say things to her—and she couldn’t answer. Well—one day, a few months after we were married, Dolbrowski came to New York, and the whole place went wild about him. I’d never heard any good music, but I’d always had an inkling of what it must be like, though I couldn’t tell you to this day how I knew. Well, your mother read about him in the papers too, and she thought it’d be the swagger thing to go to New York and hear him play—so we went... I’ll never forget that evening. Your mother wasn’t easily stirred up—she never seemed to need to let off steam. But that night she seemed to understand the way I felt. And when we got back to the hotel she said suddenly: ‘I’d like to tell him how I feel. I’d like to sit right down and write to him.’
“Then your mom came along and took pity on me. It’s tough for an awkward guy to find a girl who isn’t embarrassed to be seen with him on Sundays. I was grateful to your mom, and we got along really well. The only problem was that I couldn’t talk to her—and she couldn’t respond. Well, one day, a few months after we got married, Dolbrowski came to New York, and everyone went crazy for him. I’d never heard any good music before, but I always had a sense of what it must be like, though I still can’t tell you how I knew. Anyway, your mom read about him in the papers too, and she thought it would be really cool to go to New York and hear him play—so we went... I’ll never forget that night. Your mom wasn’t easily excited—she never seemed to need to blow off steam. But that night, she seemed to get how I felt. When we got back to the hotel, she suddenly said: ‘I’d like to tell him how I feel. I’d like to sit right down and write to him.’”
“‘Would you?’ I said. ‘So would I.’
“‘Would you?’ I said. ‘So would I.’”
“There was paper and pens there before us, and I pulled a sheet toward me, and began to write. ‘Is this what you’d like to say to him?’ I asked her when the letter was done. And she got pink and said: ‘I don’t understand it, but it’s lovely.’ And she copied it out and signed her name to it, and sent it.”
“There was paper and pens in front of us, and I pulled a sheet toward me and started to write. ‘Is this what you want to say to him?’ I asked her when the letter was finished. She blushed and said, ‘I don’t get it, but it’s beautiful.’ Then she wrote it out by hand, signed her name, and sent it.”
Mr. Grew paused, and Ronald sat silent, with lowered eyes.
Mr. Grew paused, and Ronald sat quietly, with his eyes down.
“That’s how it began; and that’s where I thought it would end. But it didn’t, because Dolbrowski answered. His first letter was dated January 10, 1872. I guess you’ll find I’m correct. Well, I went back to hear him again, and I wrote him after the performance, and he answered again. And after that we kept it up for six months. Your mother always copied the letters and signed them. She seemed to think it was a kinder joke, and she was proud of his answering my letters. But she never went back to New York to hear him, though I saved up enough to give her the treat again. She was too lazy, and she let me go without her. I heard him three times in New York; and in the spring he came to Wingfield and played once at the Academy. Your mother was sick and couldn’t go; so I went alone. After the performance I meant to get one of the directors to take me in to see him; but when the time came, I just went back home and wrote to him instead. And the month after, before he went back to Europe, he sent your mother a last little note, and that picture hanging up there...”
"That's how it started, and that's where I thought it would stop. But it didn’t, because Dolbrowski replied. His first letter was dated January 10, 1872. I guess you'll find I’m right about that. Well, I went to see him again, wrote to him after the performance, and he replied again. We kept this up for six months. Your mom always copied the letters and signed them. She thought it was a nicer joke, and she was proud that he responded to my letters. But she never went back to New York to see him, even though I saved enough money to treat her again. She was too lazy and let me go without her. I saw him three times in New York, and in the spring, he came to Wingfield and performed once at the Academy. Your mom was sick and couldn’t go, so I went by myself. After the show, I planned to get one of the directors to take me in to see him, but when the time came, I just went home and wrote to him instead. And the month after, before he went back to Europe, he sent your mom one last little note, and that picture hanging up there..."
Mr. Grew paused again, and both men lifted their eyes to the photograph.
Mr. Grew paused once more, and both men looked up at the photograph.
“Is that all?” Ronald slowly asked.
“Is that it?” Ronald asked slowly.
“That’s all—every bit of it,” said Mr. Grew.
"That's it—all of it," said Mr. Grew.
“And my mother—my mother never even spoke to Dolbrowski?”
“And my mom—my mom never even talked to Dolbrowski?”
“Never. She never even saw him but that once in New York at his concert.”
“Never. She only saw him that one time in New York at his concert.”
The blood crept again to Ronald’s face. “Are you sure of that, sir?” he asked in a trembling voice.
The blood rushed back to Ronald's face. "Are you sure about that, sir?" he asked, his voice shaking.
“Sure as I am that I’m sitting here. Why, she was too lazy to look at his letters after the first novelty wore off. She copied the answers just to humor me—but she always said she couldn’t understand what we wrote.”
“Sure as I am that I'm sitting here. Honestly, she was too lazy to read his letters after the initial excitement faded. She just copied the responses to keep me happy—but she always said she couldn't understand what we wrote.”
“But how could you go on with such a correspondence? It’s incredible!”
“But how can you keep up with such a correspondence? It’s unbelievable!”
Mr. Grew looked at his son thoughtfully. “I suppose it is, to you. You’ve only had to put out your hand and get the things I was starving for—music, and good talk, and ideas. Those letters gave me all that. You’ve read them, and you know that Dolbrowski was not only a great musician but a great man. There was nothing beautiful he didn’t see, nothing fine he didn’t feel. For six months I breathed his air, and I’ve lived on it ever since. Do you begin to understand a little now?”
Mr. Grew looked at his son thoughtfully. “I guess it is, for you. You’ve only had to reach out and grab the things I was craving—music, good conversations, and ideas. Those letters gave me all of that. You’ve read them, and you know that Dolbrowski was not just a great musician but a great person. He saw everything beautiful and felt everything meaningful. For six months, I lived in his world, and I’ve been living off it ever since. Do you start to understand a bit now?”
“Yes—a little. But why write in my mother’s name? Why make it a sentimental correspondence?”
“Yes—a little. But why write in my mom’s name? Why turn it into a sentimental conversation?”
Mr. Grew reddened to his bald temples. “Why, I tell you it began that way, as a kinder joke. And when I saw that the first letter pleased and interested him, I was afraid to tell him—I couldn’t tell him. Do you suppose he’d gone on writing if he’d ever seen me, Ronny?”
Mr. Grew blushed at his bald temples. “I’m telling you, it started out as a harmless joke. And when I realized that the first letter fascinated and intrigued him, I was too scared to tell him—I couldn’t tell him. Do you think he would have kept writing if he’d ever met me, Ronny?”
Ronald suddenly looked at him with new eyes. “But he must have thought your letters very beautiful—to go on as he did,” he broke out.
Ronald suddenly looked at him in a new way. “But he must have thought your letters were really beautiful—to keep going like he did,” he exclaimed.
“Well—I did my best,” said Mr. Grew modestly.
“Well—I did my best,” Mr. Grew said humbly.
Ronald pursued his idea. “Where are all your letters, I wonder? Weren’t they returned to you at his death?”
Ronald followed up on his thought. “I’m curious, where are all your letters? Weren’t they sent back to you after he passed away?”
Mr. Grew laughed. “Lord, no. I guess he had trunks and trunks full of better ones. I guess Queens and Empresses wrote to him.”
Mr. Grew laughed. “Oh no way. I bet he had tons of better ones. I bet queens and empresses wrote to him.”
“I should have liked to see your letters,” the young man insisted.
“I would have liked to see your letters,” the young man insisted.
“Well, they weren’t bad,” said Mr. Grew drily. “But I’ll tell you one thing, Ronny,” he added suddenly. Ronald raised his head with a quick glance, and Mr. Grew continued: “I’ll tell you where the best of those letters is—it’s in you. If it hadn’t been for that one look at life I couldn’t have made you what you are. Oh, I know you’ve done a good deal of your own making—but I’ve been there behind you all the time. And you’ll never know the work I’ve spared you and the time I’ve saved you. Fortune Dolbrowski helped me do that. I never saw things in little again after I’d looked at ‘em with him. And I tried to give you the big view from the stars... So that’s what became of my letters.”
“Well, they weren’t bad,” Mr. Grew said dryly. “But I’ll tell you one thing, Ronny,” he added suddenly. Ronald glanced up quickly, and Mr. Grew continued: “I’ll tell you where the best of those letters is—it’s in you. If it hadn’t been for that one perspective on life, I couldn’t have shaped you into who you are. Oh, I know you’ve done a lot of that yourself—but I’ve been behind you the whole time. And you’ll never know the work I’ve saved you and the time I’ve given you. Fortune Dolbrowski helped me with that. I never saw things in a smaller way again after I viewed them with him. And I tried to give you the big picture from above... So that’s what happened to my letters.”
Mr. Grew paused, and for a long time Ronald sat motionless, his elbows on the table, his face dropped on his hands.
Mr. Grew paused, and for a long time Ronald sat still, his elbows on the table, his face resting in his hands.
Suddenly Mr. Grew’s touch fell on his shoulder.
Suddenly, Mr. Grew's hand rested on his shoulder.
“Look at here, Ronald Grew—do you want me to tell you how you’re feeling at this minute? Just a mite let down, after all, at the idea that you ain’t the romantic figure you’d got to think yourself... Well, that’s natural enough, too; but I’ll tell you what it proves. It proves you’re my son right enough, if any more proof was needed. For it’s just the kind of fool nonsense I used to feel at your age—and if there’s anybody here to laugh at it’s myself, and not you. And you can laugh at me just as much as you like...”
“Hey, Ronald Grew—do you want me to tell you how you’re feeling right now? Just a little bit disappointed, I’d say, realizing you’re not the romantic figure you thought you were... Well, that’s completely normal; but I’ll tell you what it shows. It shows you’re definitely my son, if more proof was needed. Because it’s exactly the kind of silly nonsense I used to feel at your age—and if anyone should be laughed at, it’s me, not you. And you can laugh at me as much as you want...”
THE DAUNT DIANA
I
“WHAT’S become of the Daunt Diana? You mean to say you never heard the sequel?”
“WHAT’S happened to the Daunt Diana? Are you really saying you never heard what happened next?”
Ringham Finney threw himself back into his chair with the smile of the collector who has a good thing to show. He knew he had a good listener, at any rate. I don’t think much of Ringham’s snuff-boxes, but his anecdotes are usually worth while. He’s a psychologist astray among bibelots, and the best bits he brings back from his raids on Christie’s and the Hotel Drouot are the fragments of human nature he picks up on those historic battle-fields. If his flair in enamel had been half as good we should have heard of the Finney collection by this time.
Ringham Finney flopped back into his chair with the smile of a collector excited to show off something great. He knew he had a good listener, at least. I’m not that impressed by Ringham’s snuff-boxes, but his stories are usually worth it. He’s like a psychologist wandering around bibelots, and the best things he brings back from his trips to Christie’s and the Hotel Drouot are the pieces of human nature he picks up on those historic battlefields. If his flair in enamel had been half as good, we would have heard about the Finney collection by now.
He really has—queer fatuous investigator!—an unusually sensitive touch for the human texture, and the specimens he gathers into his museum of heterogeneous memories have almost always some mark of the rare and chosen. I felt, therefore, that I was really to be congratulated on the fact that I didn’t know what had become of the Daunt Diana, and on having before me a long evening in which to learn. I had just led my friend back, after an excellent dinner at Foyot’s, to the shabby pleasant sitting-room of my rive-gauche hotel; and I knew that, once I had settled him in a good arm-chair, and put a box of cigars at his elbow, I could trust him not to budge till I had the story.
He really does—what a strange and foolish investigator!—have an unusually sensitive feel for human nature, and the memories he collects in his museum of diverse experiences almost always have some trace of the rare and special. I felt, therefore, that I was truly lucky not to know what had happened to the Daunt Diana, and I had a whole evening ahead of me to find out. I had just brought my friend back, after a delightful dinner at Foyot’s, to the cozy yet shabby sitting room of my rive-gauche hotel; and I knew that, once I got him settled in a comfy armchair and placed a box of cigars next to him, I could count on him to stay put until I got the story.
II
YOU remember old Neave, of course? Little Humphrey Neave, I mean. We used to see him pottering about Rome years ago. He lived in two tiny rooms over a wine shop, on polenta and lentils, and prowled among the refuse of the Ripetta whenever he had a few soldi to spend. But you’ve been out of the collector’s world for so long that you may not know what happened to him afterward...
YOU remember old Neave, right? I'm talking about little Humphrey Neave. We used to see him wandering around Rome years ago. He lived in two small rooms above a wine shop, surviving on polenta and lentils, and would rummage through the trash of the Ripetta whenever he had a few soldi to spend. But you've been out of the collector's scene for so long that you might not know what happened to him afterward...
He was always a queer chap, Neave; years older than you and me, of course—and even when I first knew him, in my raw Roman days, he gave me an extraordinary sense of age and experience. I don’t think I’ve ever known any one who was at once so intelligent and so simple. It’s the precise combination that results in romance; and poor little Neave was romantic.
He was always an unusual guy, Neave; years older than both of us, of course—and even when I first met him, back in my naive days, he gave me an incredible sense of age and experience. I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone who was both so smart and so straightforward. It’s that exact mix that leads to romance; and poor little Neave was definitely romantic.
He told me once how he’d come to Rome. He was originaire of Mystic, Connecticut—and he wanted to get as far away from it as possible. Rome seemed as far as anything on the same planet could be; and after he’d worried his way through Harvard—with shifts and shavings that you and I can’t imagine—he contrived to get sent to Switzerland as tutor to a chap who’d failed in his examinations. With only the Alps between, he wasn’t likely to turn back; and he got another fellow to take his pupil home, and struck out on foot for the seven hills.
He once told me how he ended up in Rome. He was originally from Mystic, Connecticut, and wanted to get as far away from it as he could. Rome felt like the farthest place on the planet, and after struggling his way through Harvard—with challenges and setbacks that you and I can’t even imagine—he managed to land a job in Switzerland as a tutor for a kid who had flunked his exams. With only the Alps in between, he wasn't going to turn back; he found someone else to take his pupil home and set out on foot for the seven hills.
I’m telling you these early details merely to give you a notion of the man’s idealism. There was a cool persistency and a headlong courage in his dash for Rome that one wouldn’t have guessed in the little pottering chap we used to know. Once on the spot, he got more tutoring, managed to make himself a name for coaxing balky youths to take their fences, and was finally able to take up the more congenial task of expounding “the antiquities” to cultured travellers. I call it more congenial—but how it must have seared his soul! Fancy unveiling the sacred scars of Time to ladies who murmur: “Was this actually the spot—?” while they absently feel for their hatpins! He used to say that nothing kept him at it but the exquisite thought of accumulating the lire for his collection. For the Neave collection, my dear fellow, began early, began almost with his Roman life, began in a series of little nameless odds and ends, broken trinkets, torn embroideries, the amputated extremities of maimed marbles: things that even the rag-picker had pitched away when he sifted his haul. But they weren’t nameless or meaningless to Neave; his strength lay in his instinct for identifying, putting together, seeing significant relations. He was a regular Cuvier of bric-a-brac. And during those early years, when he had time to brood over trifles and note imperceptible differences, he gradually sharpened his instinct, and made it into the delicate and redoubtable instrument it is. Before he had a thousand francs’ worth of anticaglie to his name he began to be known as an expert, and the big dealers were glad to consult him. But we’re getting no nearer the Daunt Diana...
I’m sharing these early details just to give you an idea of the man’s idealism. There was a cool determination and fearless bravery in his rush for Rome that you wouldn't have expected from the little, fussy guy we used to know. Once he arrived, he got more training, managed to earn a reputation for encouraging reluctant young men to take their leaps, and eventually took on the more fitting role of explaining "the antiquities" to cultured travelers. I say it's more fitting—but how it must have tormented him! Imagine revealing the sacred marks of Time to women who sigh, “Was this actually the spot—?” while they unconsciously search for their hatpins! He used to say that nothing kept him going except the lovely thought of collecting the lire for his collection. The Neave collection, my dear fellow, started early, almost with his time in Rome, beginning with a collection of little nameless odds and ends, broken trinkets, torn fabrics, the severed parts of damaged marbles: items that even the scrap collector had tossed aside when going through his haul. But they weren’t nameless or meaningless to Neave; his talent lay in his ability to identify, piece together, and see meaningful connections. He was like a true Cuvier of knick-knacks. And during those early years, when he had time to ponder the small things and notice subtle differences, he gradually honed his instinct and turned it into the fine and formidable tool it is. Before he had a thousand francs’ worth of anticaglie to his name, he was already known as an expert, and the big dealers were eager to consult him. But we’re still not getting closer to the Daunt Diana...
Well, some fifteen years ago, in London, I ran across Neave at Christie’s. He was the same little man we’d known, effaced, bleached, indistinct, like a poor “impression”—as unnoticeable as one of his own early finds, yet, like them, with a quality, if one had an eye for it. He told me he still lived in Rome, and had contrived, by fierce self-denial, to get a few decent bits together—“piecemeal, little by little, with fasting and prayer; and I mean the fasting literally!” he said.
Well, about fifteen years ago in London, I ran into Neave at Christie’s. He was the same little man we used to know—faded, washed out, and hard to recognize, like a poor "impression"—as unremarkable as one of his early discoveries. Yet, like them, he had a quality, if you knew how to see it. He told me he still lived in Rome and had managed, through intense self-discipline, to gather a few decent pieces together—“bit by bit, little by little, with fasting and prayer; and I mean the fasting literally!” he said.
He had run over to London for his annual “look-round”—I fancy one or another of the big collectors usually paid his journey—and when we met he was on his way to see the Daunt collection. You know old Daunt was a surly brute, and the things weren’t easily seen; but he had heard Neave was in London, and had sent—yes, actually sent!—for him to come and give his opinion on a few bits, including the Diana. The little man bore himself discreetly, but you can imagine his pride. In his exultation he asked me to come with him—“Oh, I’ve the grandes et petites entrees, my dear fellow: I’ve made my conditions—” and so it happened that I saw the first meeting between Humphrey Neave and his fate.
He had hurried over to London for his yearly “look-around”—I think one of the big collectors usually covered his travel expenses—and when we met, he was heading to check out the Daunt collection. You know, old Daunt was a grumpy guy, and the items weren't easy to see; but he had heard Neave was in London and had actually sent for him to come and give his opinion on a few pieces, including the Diana. The little man held himself composed, but you can imagine his pride. In his excitement, he asked me to join him—“Oh, I’ve got the grandes et petites entrees, my dear fellow: I’ve made my conditions—” and that’s how I witnessed the first encounter between Humphrey Neave and his destiny.
For that collection was his fate: or, one may say, it was embodied in the Diana who was queen and goddess of the realm. Yes—I shall always be glad I was with Neave when he had his first look at the Diana. I see him now, blinking at her through his white lashes, and stroking his seedy wisp of a moustache to hide a twitch of the muscles. It was all very quiet, but it was the coup de foudre. I could see that by the way his hands trembled when he turned away and began to examine the other things. You remember Neave’s hands—thin, sallow, dry, with long inquisitive fingers thrown out like antennae? Whatever they hold—bronze or lace, hard enamel or brittle glass—they have an air of conforming themselves to the texture of the thing, and sucking out of it, by every finger-tip, the mysterious essence it has secreted. Well, that day, as he moved about among Daunt’s treasures, the Diana followed him everywhere. He didn’t look back at her—he gave himself to the business he was there for—but whatever he touched, he felt her. And on the threshold he turned and gave her his first free look—the kind of look that says: “You’re mine.”
For that collection was his destiny: or, one might say, it was embodied in the Diana who ruled as queen and goddess of the realm. Yes—I will always be grateful I was with Neave when he first laid eyes on the Diana. I can picture him now, blinking at her through his light lashes and stroking his scraggly little mustache to hide a twitch in his muscles. It was all very quiet, but it was the coup de foudre. I could see it in the way his hands shook when he looked away and began to check out the other items. You remember Neave’s hands—thin, pale, dry, with long curious fingers extended like antennae? Whatever they held—bronze or lace, hard enamel or fragile glass—they seemed to adapt to the texture of the object, drawing out from it, through every fingertip, the mysterious essence it contained. Well, that day, as he moved around among Daunt’s treasures, the Diana seemed to follow him everywhere. He didn’t glance back at her—he focused on what he was there for—but with everything he touched, he sensed her presence. And at the threshold, he turned and gave her his first genuine look—the kind of look that says: “You’re mine.”
It amused me at the time—the idea of little Neave making eyes at any of Daunt’s belongings. He might as well have coquetted with the Kohinoor. And the same idea seemed to strike him; for as we turned away from the big house in Belgravia he glanced up at it and said, with a bitterness I’d never heard in him: “Good Lord! To think of that lumpy fool having those things to handle! Did you notice his stupid stumps of fingers? I suppose he blunted them gouging nuggets out of the gold fields. And in exchange for the nuggets he gets all that in a year—only has to hold out his callous palm to have that great ripe sphere of beauty drop into it! That’s my idea of heaven—to have a great collection drop into one’s hand, as success, or love, or any of the big shining things, drop suddenly on some men. And I’ve had to worry along for nearly fifty years, saving and paring, and haggling and intriguing, to get here a bit and there a bit—and not one perfection in the lot! It’s enough to poison a man’s life.”
It amused me back then—the thought of little Neave eyeing any of Daunt’s possessions. He may as well have flirted with the Kohinoor. And the same idea seemed to hit him; as we walked away from the big house in Belgravia, he looked up at it and said, with a bitterness I’d never heard from him before: “Good Lord! To think of that clumsy fool getting to handle those things! Did you see his stupid stumps of fingers? I guess he ruined them digging nuggets out of the gold fields. And in exchange for the nuggets, he gets all that in a year—just has to hold out his rough palm to have that beautiful sphere of perfection drop into it! That’s my idea of heaven—to have a great collection handed to you, just like success, or love, or any of those big, shiny things that suddenly come to some people. Meanwhile, I’ve had to struggle for nearly fifty years, saving a bit here and there, haggling and scheming, to get a piece of this and a piece of that—and not one perfect thing in the bunch! It’s enough to ruin a man’s life.”
The outbreak was so unlike Neave that I remember every word of it: remember, too, saying in answer: “But, look here, Neave, you wouldn’t take Daunt’s hands for yours, I imagine?”
The outbreak was so unlike Neave that I remember every word of it: remember, too, saying in response: “But, hey, Neave, I assume you wouldn’t take Daunt’s hands for yours, right?”
He stared a moment and smiled. “Have all that, and grope my way through it like a blind cave fish? What a question! But the sense that it’s always the blind fish that live in that kind of aquarium is what makes anarchists, sir!” He looked back from the corner of the square, where we had paused while he delivered himself of this remarkable metaphor. “God, I’d like to throw a bomb at that place, and be in at the looting!”
He paused for a moment and smiled. "Have all that and fumble my way through it like a blind cave fish? What a question! But the fact that it’s always the blind fish that live in that kind of aquarium is what creates anarchists, sir!" He glanced back from the corner of the square, where we had stopped while he shared this striking metaphor. "Man, I’d love to throw a bomb at that place and be part of the looting!"
And with that, on the way home, he unpacked his grievance—pulled the bandage off the wound, and showed me the ugly mark it had made on his little white soul.
And with that, on the way home, he opened up about his complaint—removed the bandage from the wound, and revealed the ugly scar it had left on his innocent soul.
It wasn’t the struggling, stinting, self-denying that galled him—it was the inadequacy of the result. It was, in short, the old tragedy of the discrepancy between a man’s wants and his power to gratify them. Neave’s taste was too exquisite for his means—was like some strange, delicate, capricious animal, that he cherished and pampered and couldn’t satisfy.
It wasn't the struggle, the deprivation, or the self-denial that bothered him—it was the unsatisfactory outcome. In short, it was the classic tragedy of the gap between what a man desires and his ability to fulfill those desires. Neave's taste was too refined for his resources—it was like a rare, delicate, unpredictable creature that he cared for and spoiled but couldn't satisfy.
“Don’t you know those little glittering lizards that die if they’re not fed on some wonderful tropical fly? Well, my taste’s like that, with one important difference—if it doesn’t get its fly, it simply turns and feeds on me. Oh, it doesn’t die, my taste—worse luck! It gets larger and stronger and more fastidious, and takes a bigger bite of me—that’s all.”
“Don’t you know those little sparkling lizards that die if they don’t get fed some amazing tropical fly? Well, my taste is like that, but there’s a big difference—if it doesn’t get its fly, it just turns and feeds on me. Oh, it doesn’t die, my taste—unfortunately! It grows bigger and stronger and more picky, and takes a bigger bite out of me—that’s all.”
That was all. Year by year, day by day, he had made himself into this delicate register of perceptions and sensations—as far above the ordinary human faculty of appreciation as some scientific registering instrument is beyond the rough human senses—only to find that the beauty which alone could satisfy him was unattainable—that he was never to know the last deep identification which only possession can give. He had trained himself in short, to feel, in the rare great thing—such an utterance of beauty as the Daunt Diana, say—a hundred elements of perfection, a hundred reasons why, imperceptible, inexplicable even, to the average “artistic” sense; he had reached this point by a long austere process of discrimination and rejection, the renewed great refusals of the intelligence which perpetually asks more, which will make no pact with its self of yesterday, and is never to be beguiled from its purpose by the wiles of the next-best-thing. Oh, it’s a poignant case, but not a common one; for the next-best-thing usually wins...
That was it. Year after year, day after day, he had shaped himself into this finely tuned register of perceptions and sensations—far beyond the ordinary human ability to appreciate, much like a scientific measuring device is beyond basic human senses—only to discover that the beauty that could truly satisfy him was out of reach—that he would never experience the deep connection that only possession can bring. He had trained himself, in short, to feel, in the rare great thing—such an expression of beauty as the Daunt Diana, for example—a hundred elements of perfection, a hundred reasons why, imperceptible, even inexplicable to the average "artistic" perception; he had arrived at this stage through a long, strict process of discrimination and rejection, the relentless high standards of intelligence that always demands more, that makes no bargains with its former self, and is never fooled by the temptation of the next-best-thing. Oh, it’s a touching situation, but not a usual one; because the next-best-thing typically prevails...
You see, the worst of Neave’s state was the fact of his not being a mere collector, even the collector raised to his highest pitch of efficiency. The whole thing was blent in him with poetry—his imagination had romanticized the acquisitive instinct, as the religious feeling of the Middle Ages turned passion into love. And yet his could never be the abstract enjoyment of the philosopher who says: “This or that object is really mine because I’m capable of appreciating it.” Neave wanted what he appreciated—wanted it with his touch and his sight as well as with his imagination.
You see, the worst part of Neave’s situation was that he wasn’t just a collector, even one who had reached peak efficiency. His entire being was intertwined with poetry—his imagination had romanticized the urge to acquire, much like the religious feelings of the Middle Ages transformed passion into love. Yet, he couldn’t experience the abstract enjoyment of a philosopher who declares, “This or that object really belongs to me because I can appreciate it.” Neave wanted what he appreciated—he wanted it with his touch and his sight as well as with his imagination.
It was hardly a year afterward that, coming back from a long tour in India, I picked up a London paper and read the amazing headline: “Mr. Humphrey Neave buys the Daunt collection”... I rubbed my eyes and read again. Yes, it could only be our old friend Humphrey. “An American living in Rome ... one of our most discerning collectors”; there was no mistaking the description. I clapped on my hat and bolted out to see the first dealer I could find; and there I had the incredible details. Neave had come into a fortune—two or three million dollars, amassed by an uncle who had a corset-factory, and who had attained wealth as the creator of the Mystic Super-straight. (Corset-factory sounds odd, by the way, doesn’t it? One had fancied that the corset was a personal, a highly specialized garment, more or less shaped on the form it was to modify; but, after all, the Tanagras were all made from two or three moulds—and so, I suppose, are the ladies who wear the Mystic Super-straight.)
It was barely a year later that, returning from a long trip to India, I picked up a London newspaper and read the shocking headline: “Mr. Humphrey Neave buys the Daunt collection”… I rubbed my eyes and read it again. Yes, it could only be our old friend Humphrey. “An American living in Rome ... one of our most discerning collectors”; there was no mistaking the description. I put on my hat and rushed out to find the first dealer I could locate; and there I got the unbelievable details. Neave had inherited a fortune—two or three million dollars, amassed by an uncle who owned a corset factory and had made his money as the creator of the Mystic Super-straight. (Corset factory sounds strange, by the way, doesn’t it? One might have imagined that a corset was a personal, highly specialized garment, more or less shaped to fit the body it was meant to modify; but, after all, the Tanagras were all made from two or three molds—and so, I suppose, are the women who wear the Mystic Super-straight.)
The uncle had a son, and Neave had never dreamed of seeing a penny of the money; but the son died suddenly, and the father followed, leaving a codicil that gave everything to our friend. Humphrey had to go out to “realize” on the corset-factory; and his description of that ... Well, he came back with his money in his pocket, and the day he landed old Daunt went to smash. It all fitted in like a Chinese puzzle. I believe Neave drove straight from Euston to Daunt House: at any rate, within two months the collection was his, and at a price that made the trade sit up. Trust old Daunt for that!
The uncle had a son, and Neave never imagined he’d see a dime of the money; but then the son died unexpectedly, and the father passed away too, leaving a codicil that gave everything to our friend. Humphrey had to go out to “cash in” on the corset factory; and his description of that ... Well, he returned with his money in his pocket, and on the day he got back, old Daunt went under. It all fell into place like a Chinese puzzle. I think Neave went straight from Euston to Daunt House: anyway, within two months the collection was his, and at a price that surprised everyone in the business. You can count on old Daunt for that!
I was in Rome the following spring, and you’d better believe I looked him up. A big porter glared at me from the door of the Palazzo Neave: I had almost to produce my passport to get in. But that wasn’t Neave’s fault—the poor fellow was so beset by people clamouring to see his collection that he had to barricade himself, literally. When I had mounted the state Scalone, and come on him, at the end of half a dozen echoing saloons, in the farthest, smallest reduit of the vast suite, I received the same welcome that he used to give us in his little den over the wine shop.
I was in Rome the following spring, and you can bet I looked him up. A big porter glared at me from the door of the Palazzo Neave; I almost had to show my passport to get in. But that wasn’t Neave’s fault—the poor guy was so overwhelmed by people wanting to see his collection that he had to literally barricade himself. When I made it up the grand Scalone and found him at the end of half a dozen echoing rooms, in the furthest, smallest reduit of the vast suite, I got the same welcome he used to give us in his little nook over the wine shop.
“Well—so you’ve got her?” I said. For I’d caught sight of the Diana in passing, against the bluish blur of an old verdure—just the background for her poised loveliness. Only I rather wondered why she wasn’t in the room where he sat.
“Well—so you’ve got her?” I said. For I’d caught sight of the Diana in passing, against the bluish blur of an old verdure—just the background for her poised loveliness. Only I was curious why she wasn’t in the room where he sat.
He smiled. “Yes, I’ve got her,” he returned, more calmly than I had expected.
He smiled. “Yeah, I’ve got her,” he replied, much more calmly than I had expected.
“And all the rest of the loot?”
“And what else did we take?”
“Yes. I had to buy the lump.”
“Yes. I had to buy the lump.”
“Had to? But you wanted to, didn’t you? You used to say it was your idea of heaven—to stretch out your hand and have a great ripe sphere of beauty drop into it. I’m quoting your own words, by the way.”
“Had to? But you wanted to, right? You used to say it was your idea of paradise—to reach out your hand and have a gorgeous, ripe fruit fall into it. Just so you know, I’m quoting you.”
Neave blinked and stroked his seedy moustache. “Oh, yes. I remember the phrase. It’s true—it is the last luxury.” He paused, as if seeking a pretext for his lack of warmth. “The thing that bothered me was having to move. I couldn’t cram all the stuff into my old quarters.”
Neave blinked and stroked his scruffy mustache. “Oh, yeah. I remember that saying. It's true—it is the last luxury.” He paused, as if looking for an excuse for his lack of warmth. “What bothered me was having to move. I couldn't fit all my stuff into my old place.”
“Well, I should say not! This is rather a better setting.”
“Well, I definitely shouldn't say that! This is a much better setting.”
He got up. “Come and take a look round. I want to show you two or three things—new attributions I’ve made. I’m doing the catalogue over.”
He got up. “Come and take a look around. I want to show you a couple of things—new attributions I’ve made. I’m redoing the catalog.”
The interest of showing me the things seemed to dispel the vague apathy I had felt in him. He grew keen again in detailing his redistribution of values, and above all in convicting old Daunt and his advisers of their repeated aberrations of judgment. “The miracle is that he should have got such things, knowing as little as he did what he was getting. And the egregious asses who bought for him were no better, were worse in fact, since they had all sorts of humbugging wrong reasons for admiring what old Daunt simply coveted because it belonged to some other rich man.”
The curiosity in showing me things seemed to wake him up from the vague indifference I had sensed. He became enthusiastic again about explaining his new way of thinking, especially when it came to pointing out the repeated mistakes of old Daunt and his advisers. “The miracle is that he managed to acquire such things, considering how little he understood what he was actually getting. And the ridiculous fools who bought for him were no better; they were worse, really, since they had all sorts of deceptive reasons for admiring what old Daunt simply wanted because it belonged to another wealthy person.”
Never had Neave had so wondrous a field for the exercise of his perfected faculty; and I saw then how in the real, the great collector’s appreciations the keenest scientific perception is suffused with imaginative sensibility, and how it’s to the latter undefinable quality that in the last resort he trusts himself.
Never had Neave encountered such an incredible opportunity to use his perfected skills; and I realized then that in the real, the great collector’s evaluations, the sharpest scientific insight is blended with imaginative sensitivity, and it's that indescribable quality that he ultimately relies on.
Nevertheless, I still felt the shadow of that hovering apathy, and he knew I felt it, and was always breaking off to give me reasons for it. For one thing, he wasn’t used to his new quarters—hated their bigness and formality; then the requests to show his things drove him mad. “The women—oh, the women!” he wailed, and interrupted himself to describe a heavy-footed German Princess who had marched past his treasures as if she were inspecting a cavalry regiment, applying an unmodulated Mugneeficent to everything from the engraved gems to the Hercules torso.
Nevertheless, I still felt the weight of that persistent apathy, and he noticed it. He was always stopping to explain it to me. For one thing, he wasn't comfortable in his new place—he disliked its size and formality; plus, the requests to show off his belongings drove him crazy. "The women—oh, the women!" he lamented, interrupting himself to describe a heavy-footed German princess who marched past his treasures as if she were inspecting a cavalry regiment, applying an unmodulated Mugneeficent to everything from the engraved gems to the Hercules torso.
“Not that she was half as bad as the other kind,” he added, as if with a last effort at optimism. “The kind who discriminate and say: ‘I’m not sure if it’s Botticelli or Cellini I mean, but one of that school, at any rate.’ And the worst of all are the ones who know—up to a certain point: have the schools, and the dates and the jargon pat, and yet wouldn’t know a Phidias if it stood where they hadn’t expected it.”
“Not that she was anywhere near as bad as the other type,” he added, as if making one last attempt at being optimistic. “The kind who discriminate and say: ‘I’m not sure if it’s Botticelli or Cellini I mean, but one of that school, at least.’ And the worst ones are those who know—up to a certain point: they have the schools, the dates, and the jargon down, and yet they wouldn’t recognize a Phidias if it stood right in front of them.”
He had all my sympathy, poor Neave; yet these were trials inseparable from the collector’s lot, and not always without their secret compensations. Certainly they did not wholly explain my friend’s attitude; and for a moment I wondered if it were due to some strange disillusionment as to the quality of his treasures. But no! the Daunt collection was almost above criticism; and as we passed from one object to another I saw there was no mistaking the genuineness of Neave’s pride in his possessions. The ripe sphere of beauty was his, and he had found no flaw in it as yet...
He had all my sympathy, poor Neave; but these were challenges that came with being a collector, and they sometimes had their hidden rewards. They certainly didn't fully explain my friend's attitude; for a moment, I wondered if it was due to some strange disappointment regarding the value of his treasures. But no! The Daunt collection was nearly beyond reproach; and as we moved from one piece to another, it was clear that Neave genuinely took pride in what he owned. The perfect sphere of beauty belonged to him, and he hadn't found any faults in it so far...
A year later came the amazing announcement—the Daunt collection was for sale. At first we all supposed it was a case of weeding out (though how old Daunt would have raged at the thought of anybody’s weeding his collection!) But no—the catalogue corrected that idea. Every stick and stone was to go under the hammer. The news ran like wildfire from Rome to Berlin, from Paris to London and New York. Was Neave ruined, then? Wrong again—the dealers nosed that out in no time. He was simply selling because he chose to sell; and in due time the things came up at Christie’s.
A year later came the incredible announcement—the Daunt collection was up for sale. At first, we all thought it was just a case of decluttering (though old Daunt would have been furious at the idea of anyone cleaning out his collection!) But no—the catalog set that straight. Every single item was going to be auctioned off. The news spread like wildfire from Rome to Berlin, from Paris to London and New York. Was Neave ruined, then? Wrong again—the dealers figured that out quickly. He was just selling because he wanted to sell; and eventually, the items were auctioned at Christie’s.
But you may be sure the trade had found an answer to the riddle; and the answer was that, on close inspection, Neave had found the collection less impeccable than he had supposed. It was a preposterous answer—but then there was no other. Neave, by this time, was pretty generally recognized as having the subtlest flair of any collector in Europe, and if he didn’t choose to keep the Daunt collection it could be only because he had reason to think he could do better.
But you can be sure that the trade had figured out the mystery; and the answer was that, upon closer examination, Neave discovered the collection was not as flawless as he had thought. It was a ridiculous conclusion—but there was no alternative. By this point, Neave was widely acknowledged as having the sharpest flair of any collector in Europe, and if he decided not to keep the Daunt collection, it could only be because he believed he could find something better.
In a flash this report had gone the rounds and the buyers were on their guard. I had run over to London to see the thing through, and it was the queerest sale I ever was at. Some of the things held their own, but a lot—and a few of the best among them—went for half their value. You see, they’d been locked up in old Daunt’s house for nearly twenty years, and hardly shown to any one, so that the whole younger generation of dealers and collectors knew of them only by hearsay. Then you know the effect of suggestion in such cases. The undefinable sense we were speaking of is a ticklish instrument, easily thrown out of gear by a sudden fall of temperature; and the sharpest experts grow shy and self-distrustful when the cold current of depreciation touches them. The sale was a slaughter—and when I saw the Daunt Diana fall at the wink of a little third-rate brocanteur from Vienna I turned sick at the folly of my kind.
In no time, this report had spread, and the buyers were on alert. I had rushed over to London to see it through, and it was the strangest sale I’ve ever attended. Some items held their value, but many—and a few of the best—went for half of what they were worth. You see, they’d been locked away in old Daunt’s house for nearly twenty years and hardly shown to anyone, so the entire younger generation of dealers and collectors only knew about them through rumors. Then you know how suggestion works in these situations. That indescribable instinct we talked about is a tricky thing, easily thrown off by a sudden change in atmosphere; and even the sharpest experts become hesitant and insecure when they feel that cold wave of depreciation. The sale was a massacre—and when I saw the Daunt Diana go for a nod from a little third-rate brocanteur from Vienna, I felt sick at the foolishness of people.
For my part, I had never believed that Neave had sold the collection because he’d “found it out”; and within a year my incredulity was justified. As soon as the things were put in circulation they were known for the marvels they are. There was hardly a poor bit in the lot; and my wonder grew at Neave’s madness. All over Europe, dealers began to be fighting for the spoils; and all kinds of stuff were palmed off on the unsuspecting as fragments of the Daunt collection!
For my part, I never believed that Neave had sold the collection because he’d "figured it out"; and within a year, my disbelief was proven right. As soon as the items hit the market, they were recognized for the extraordinary things they are. There was hardly a bad piece in the entire lot, and my amazement at Neave’s craziness grew. Across Europe, dealers started competing for the treasures, and all kinds of junk were passed off on the unsuspecting as parts of the Daunt collection!
Meanwhile, what was Neave doing? For a long time I didn’t hear, and chance kept me from returning to Rome. But one day, in Paris, I ran across a dealer who had captured for a song one of the best Florentine bronzes in the Daunt collection—a marvellous plaquette of Donatello’s. I asked him what had become of it, and he said with a grin: “I sold it the other day,” naming a price that staggered me.
Meanwhile, what was Neave up to? For a long time, I didn’t know, and circumstances kept me from going back to Rome. But one day, in Paris, I bumped into a dealer who had snagged one of the best Florentine bronzes in the Daunt collection for a steal—a stunning plaquette by Donatello. I asked him what had happened to it, and he replied with a grin: “I sold it the other day,” naming a price that blew my mind.
“Ye gods! Who paid you that for it?”
“Wow! Who paid you that for it?”
His grin broadened, and he answered: “Neave.”
His smile widened, and he replied: “Neave.”
“ Neave? Humphrey Neave?”
“ Neave? Humphrey Neave?”
“Didn’t you know he was buying back his things?”
“Didn’t you know he was getting his stuff back?”
“Nonsense!”
"That's ridiculous!"
“He is, though. Not in his own name—but he’s doing it.”
“He is, though. Not under his own name—but he’s doing it.”
And he was, do you know—and at prices that would have made a sane man shudder! A few weeks later I ran across his tracks in London, where he was trying to get hold of a Penicaud enamel—another of his scattered treasures. Then I hunted him down at his hotel, and had it out with him.
And he was, you know—and at prices that would make any sane person cringe! A few weeks later, I found his trail in London, where he was trying to get a Penicaud enamel—another one of his prized possessions. Then I tracked him down at his hotel and confronted him.
“Look here, Neave, what are you up to?”
“Hey, Neave, what are you doing?”
He wouldn’t tell me at first: stared and laughed and denied. But I took him off to dine, and after dinner, while we smoked, I happened to mention casually that I had a pull over the man who had the Penicaud—and at that he broke down and confessed.
He wouldn't tell me at first: he just stared, laughed, and denied it. But I took him out for dinner, and after we finished eating, while we were smoking, I casually mentioned that I had an advantage over the guy who had the Penicaud—and at that, he broke down and confessed.
“Yes, I’m buying them back, Finney—it’s true.” He laughed nervously, twitching his moustache. And then he let me have the story.
“Yes, I’m buying them back, Finney—it’s true.” He laughed nervously, twitching his mustache. Then he shared the story with me.
“You know how I’d hungered and thirsted for the real thing—you quoted my own phrase to me once, about the ‘ripe sphere of beauty.’ So when I got my money, and Daunt lost his, almost at the same moment, I saw the hand of Providence in it. I knew that, even if I’d been younger, and had more time, I could never hope, nowadays, to form such a collection as that. There was the ripe sphere, within reach; and I took it. But when I got it, and began to live with it, I found out my mistake. It was a mariage de convenance—there’d been no wooing, no winning. Each of my little old bits—the rubbish I chucked out to make room for Daunt’s glories—had its own personal history, the drama of my relation to it, of the discovery, the struggle, the capture, the first divine moment of possession. There was a romantic secret between us. And then I had absorbed its beauties one by one, they had become a part of my imagination, they held me by a hundred threads of far-reaching association. And suddenly I had expected to create this kind of intense personal tie between myself and a roomful of new cold alien presences—things staring at me vacantly from the depths of unknown pasts! Can you fancy a more preposterous hope? Why, my other things, my own things, had wooed me as passionately as I wooed them: there was a certain little bronze, a little Venus Callipyge, who had drawn me, drawn me, drawn me, imploring me to rescue her from her unspeakable surroundings in a vulgar bric-a-brac shop at Biarritz, where she shrank out of sight among sham Sevres and Dutch silver, as one has seen certain women—rare, shy, exquisite—made almost invisible by the vulgar splendours surrounding them. Well! that little Venus, who was just a specious seventeenth century attempt at the ‘antique,’ but who had penetrated me with her pleading grace, touched me by the easily guessed story of her obscure, anonymous origin, was more to me imaginatively—yes! more than the cold bought beauty of the Daunt Diana...”
“You know how I’d longed for the real thing—you once quoted my own words about the ‘ripe sphere of beauty.’ So when I got my money, and Daunt lost his, almost at the same time, I saw it as something divine. I knew that even if I were younger and had more time, I could never hope to create such a collection like that today. The ripe sphere was within reach, and I took it. But once I had it and began to live with it, I realized my mistake. It was a mariage de convenance—there had been no courting, no winning. Each of my old pieces—the junk I tossed out to make space for Daunt’s wonders—had its own story, the drama of my relationship with it, the discovery, the struggle, the capture, the first thrilling moment of possession. There was a romantic secret between us. And then I absorbed its beauties one by one; they became part of my imagination, connecting me by countless threads of distant memories. And suddenly, I expected to create that same kind of deep personal bond with a roomful of new, cold, foreign objects—things staring at me blankly from the depths of unknown pasts! Can you imagine a more ridiculous hope? My other things, my own things, had courted me as passionately as I had courted them: there was a little bronze, a little Venus Callipyge, who had drawn me in, pleading for me to rescue her from her disgusting surroundings in a tacky antique shop in Biarritz, where she shrank out of sight among fake Sevres and Dutch silver, like certain rare, shy, exquisite women who become almost invisible amidst the tacky splendor around them. Well, that little Venus, just a cliché seventeenth-century attempt at the ‘antique,’ but who had touched me with her pleading beauty, moved me with the easily guessed tale of her obscure, nameless origin, meant more to me imaginatively—yes! more than the cold, purchased beauty of the Daunt Diana...”
“The Daunt Diana!” I broke in. “Hold up, Neave—the Daunt Diana?”
“The Daunt Diana!” I interrupted. “Wait, Neave—the Daunt Diana?”
He smiled contemptuously. “A professional beauty, my dear fellow—expected every head to be turned when she came into a room.”
He smiled dismissively. “A professional beauty, my friend—she expected everyone to turn their heads when she walked into a room.”
“Oh, Neave,” I groaned.
“Oh, Neave,” I sighed.
“Yes, I know. You’re thinking of what we felt that day we first saw her in London. Many a poor devil has sold his soul as the result of such a first sight! Well, I sold her instead. Do you want the truth about her? Elle etait bete a pleurer.”
“Yes, I know. You’re thinking about how we felt that day we first saw her in London. Many a poor guy has sold his soul after such a first sight! Well, I sold her instead. Do you want the truth about her? She was stupid enough to make you cry.”
He laughed, and stood up with a little shrug of disenchantment.
He laughed and stood up with a slight shrug of disappointment.
“And so you’re impenitent?” I paused. “And yet you’re buying some of the things back?”
“And so you’re not sorry?” I paused. “And yet you’re buying some of the things back?”
Neave laughed again, ironically. “I knew you’d find me out and call me to account. Well, yes: I’m buying back.” He stood before me half sheepish, half defiant. “I’m buying back because there’s nothing else as good in the market. And because I’ve a queer feeling that, this time, they’ll be mine. But I’m ruining myself at the game!” he confessed.
Neave laughed again, but it was ironic. “I knew you’d figure me out and hold me accountable. Well, yeah: I’m buying back.” He stood in front of me, part embarrassed, part defiant. “I’m buying back because there’s nothing else this good on the market. And I have this strange feeling that, this time, they’ll be mine. But I’m really messing up my finances with this!” he admitted.
It was true: Neave was ruining himself. And he’s gone on ruining himself ever since, till now the job’s nearly done. Bit by bit, year by year, he has gathered in his scattered treasures, at higher prices than the dealers ever dreamed of getting. There are fabulous details in the story of his quest. Now and then I ran across him, and was able to help him recover a fragment; and it was wonderful to see his delight in the moment of reunion. Finally, about two years ago, we met in Paris, and he told me he had got back all the important pieces except the Diana.
It was true: Neave was self-destructing. And he’s been self-destructing ever since, until now the damage is almost complete. Bit by bit, year by year, he has collected his lost treasures, at prices higher than the dealers ever imagined. There are incredible details in the story of his search. Now and then I ran into him, and I was able to help him recover a piece; it was amazing to see his joy in those moments of reunion. Finally, about two years ago, we met in Paris, and he told me he had retrieved all the important pieces except the Diana.
“The Diana? But you told me you didn’t care for her.”
“The Diana? But you said you didn't care about her.”
“Didn’t care?” He leaned across the restaurant table that divided us. “Well, no, in a sense I didn’t. I wanted her to want me, you see; and she didn’t then! Whereas now she’s crying to me to come to her. You know where she is?” he broke off.
“Didn’t care?” He leaned across the restaurant table that separated us. “Well, no, not really. I wanted her to want me, you see; and she didn’t then! But now she’s begging me to come to her. Do you know where she is?” he paused.
Yes, I knew: in the centre of Mrs. Willy P. Goldmark’s yellow and gold drawing-room, under a thousand-candle-power chandelier, with reflectors aimed at her from every point of the compass. I had seen her wincing and shivering there in her outraged nudity at one of the Goldmark “crushes.”
Yes, I knew: in the center of Mrs. Willy P. Goldmark’s yellow and gold living room, under a thousand-candle-power chandelier, with reflectors pointed at her from every direction. I had seen her flinching and shivering there in her exposed nudity at one of the Goldmark “crushes.”
“But you can’t get her, Neave,” I objected.
“But you can’t get her, Neave,” I said.
“No, I can’t get her,” he said.
“No, I can’t reach her,” he said.
Well, last month I was in Rome, for the first time in six or seven years, and of course I looked about for Neave. The Palazzo Neave was let to some rich Russians, and the splendid new porter didn’t know where the proprietor lived. But I got on his trail easily enough, and it led me to a strange old place in the Trastevere, an ancient crevassed black palace turned tenement house, and fluttering with pauper clothes-lines. I found Neave under the leads, in two or three cold rooms that smelt of the cuisine of all his neighbours: a poor shrunken little figure, seedier and shabbier than ever, yet more alive than when we had made the tour of his collection in the Palazzo Neave.
Well, last month I was in Rome for the first time in six or seven years, and naturally, I looked for Neave. The Palazzo Neave was rented out to some wealthy Russians, and the new porter had no idea where the owner lived. But I quickly picked up his trail, which led me to a strange old place in Trastevere, an ancient, cracked black palace turned tenement, with clothes lines fluttering everywhere. I found Neave under the rooftops, in a couple of cold rooms that smelled like the cooking of all his neighbors: a small, shrunken figure, even seedier and shabbier than before, yet somehow more vibrant than when we had toured his collection in the Palazzo Neave.
The collection was around him again, not displayed in tall cabinets and on marble tables, but huddled on shelves, perched on chairs, crammed in corners, putting the gleam of bronze, the opalescence of old glass, the pale lustre of marble, into all the angles of his low dim rooms. There they were, the proud presences that had stared at him down the vistas of Daunt House, and shone in cold transplanted beauty under his own painted cornices: there they were, gathered in humble promiscuity about his bent shabby figure, like superb wild creatures tamed to become the familiars of some harmless old wizard.
The collection surrounded him again, not displayed in tall cabinets or on marble tables, but clustered on shelves, sitting on chairs, stuffed into corners, filling the corners of his dimly lit rooms with the shine of bronze, the shimmer of old glass, and the soft glow of marble. There they were, the proud pieces that had looked down at him through the halls of Daunt House, shining in their cold, transplanted beauty beneath his painted cornices: there they were, gathered in a humble jumble around his bent, shabby figure, like magnificent wild creatures tamed to become companions of some harmless old wizard.
As we went from bit to bit, as he lifted one piece after another, and held it to the light of his low windows, I saw in his hands the same tremor of sensation that I had noticed when he first examined the same objects at Daunt House. All his life was in his finger-tips, and it seemed to communicate life to the exquisite things he touched. But you’ll think me infected by his mysticism if I tell you they gained new beauty while he held them...
As we moved from item to item, and he picked each one up to look at it in the light coming through his low windows, I noticed the same trembling sensation in his hands that I’d seen when he first examined those objects at Daunt House. His whole life seemed to be in his fingertips, and it felt like he transferred that life to the beautiful things he touched. But you might think I’m caught up in his mysticism if I say they became even more beautiful while he held them…
We went the rounds slowly and reverently; and then, when I supposed our inspection was over, and was turning to take my leave, he opened a door I had not noticed, and showed me into a slit of a room beyond. It was a mere monastic cell, scarcely large enough for his narrow iron bed and the chest which probably held his few clothes; but there, in a niche of the bare wall, facing the foot of the bed—there stood the Daunt Diana.
We moved around slowly and respectfully; then, just when I thought our tour was finished and was about to say goodbye, he opened a door I hadn't seen before and led me into a small room beyond. It was like a monk's cell, barely big enough for his narrow iron bed and the chest that likely held his few clothes; but there, in a nook of the plain wall, facing the foot of the bed—there stood the Daunt Diana.
I gasped at the sight and turned to him; and he looked back at me without speaking.
I gasped at the sight and turned to him; he looked back at me without saying anything.
“In the name of magic, Neave, how did you do it?”
“In the name of magic, Neave, how did you pull that off?”
He smiled as if from the depths of some secret rapture. “Call it magic, if you like; but I ruined myself doing it,” he said.
He smiled as if he was experiencing some deep joy. “Call it magic if you want; but I messed up my life by doing it,” he said.
I stared at him in silence, breathless with the madness and the wonder of it; and suddenly, red to the ears, he flung out his boyish confession. “I lied to you that day in London—the day I said I didn’t care for her. I always cared—always worshipped—always wanted her. But she wasn’t mine then, and I knew it, and she knew it ... and now at last we understand each other.” He looked at me shyly, and then glanced about the bare cold cell. “The setting isn’t worthy of her, I know; she was meant for glories I can’t give her; but beautiful things, my dear Finney, like beautiful spirits, live in houses not made with hands...”
I stared at him in silence, breathless with the madness and wonder of it all; and suddenly, blushing deeply, he blurted out his youthful confession. “I lied to you that day in London—the day I said I didn’t care about her. I always cared—always admired her—always wanted her. But she wasn’t mine then, and I knew it, and she knew it ... and now at last we get each other.” He looked at me shyly, and then glanced around the bare, cold cell. “The surroundings aren’t worthy of her, I know; she was meant for greatness I can’t provide her; but beautiful things, my dear Finney, like beautiful souls, exist in spaces not made by hands...”
His face shone with extraordinary sweetness as he spoke; and I saw he’d got hold of the secret we’re all after. No, the setting isn’t worthy of her, if you like. The rooms are as shabby and mean as those we used to see him in years ago over the wine shop. I’m not sure they’re not shabbier and meaner. But she rules there at last, she shines and hovers there above him, and there at night, I doubt not, steals down from her cloud to give him the Latmian kiss.
His face radiated a remarkable sweetness as he spoke, and I realized he had discovered the secret we all seek. No, the place isn't fit for her, if that's what you think. The rooms are just as run-down and uninviting as the ones we used to see him in years ago at the wine shop. I’m not even sure they’re not worse now. But she reigns there at last; she glows and floats above him, and at night, I have no doubt, she gently descends from her cloud to give him the Latmian kiss.
THE DEBT
I
YOU remember—it’s not so long ago—the talk there was about Dredge’s “Arrival of the Fittest”? The talk has subsided, but the book of course remains: stands up, in fact, as the tallest thing of its kind since—well, I’d almost said since “The Origin of Species.”
YOU remember—it’s not that long ago—the buzz about Dredge’s “Arrival of the Fittest”? The chatter has died down, but the book is still here: in fact, it stands out as the most significant work of its kind since—well, I’d almost say since “The Origin of Species.”
I’m not wrong, at any rate, in calling it the most important contribution yet made to the development of the Darwinian theory, or rather to the solution of the awkward problem about which that theory has had to make such a circuit. Dredge’s hypothesis will be contested, may one day be disproved; but at least it has swept out of the way all previous conjectures, including of course Lanfear’s magnificent attempt; and for our generation of scientific investigators it will serve as the first safe bridge across a murderous black whirlpool.
I’m definitely right in calling it the most significant contribution made so far to the development of Darwinian theory, or rather to solving the tricky problem that this theory has had to navigate. Dredge’s hypothesis will be challenged and may eventually be disproven; but for now, it has cleared away all previous guesses, including Lanfear’s impressive attempt; and for our generation of scientific researchers, it will act as the first reliable bridge across a dangerous black whirlpool.
It’s all very interesting—there are few things more stirring to the imagination than that sudden projection of the new hypothesis, light as a cobweb and strong as steel, across the intellectual abyss; but, for an idle observer of human motives, the other, the personal, side of Dredge’s case is even more interesting and arresting.
It’s all really interesting—there are few things that capture the imagination more than that sudden introduction of a new theory, delicate as a spider's web and strong as steel, across the vast divide of knowledge; but for someone who casually watches human behavior, the personal aspect of Dredge's case is even more fascinating and compelling.
Personal side? You didn’t know there was one? Pictured him simply as a thinking machine, a highly specialized instrument of precision, the result of a long series of “adaptations,” as his own jargon would put it? Well, I don’t wonder—if you’ve met him. He does give the impression of being something out of his own laboratory: a delicate scientific instrument that reveals wonders to the initiated, and is absolutely useless in an ordinary hand.
Personal side? You didn’t know there was one? You thought of him as just a thinking machine, a highly specialized tool, the product of many “adaptations,” as he would say? Well, I can understand that—if you’ve met him. He really does come off as if he’s something out of his own lab: a fragile scientific instrument that shows incredible things to those who know how to use it, but is totally useless in the hands of an average person.
In his youth it was just the other way. I knew him twenty years ago, as an awkward lout whom young Archie Lanfear had picked up at college, and brought home for a visit. I happened to be staying at the Lanfears’ when the boys arrived, and I shall never forget Dredge’s first appearance on the scene. You know the Lanfears always lived very simply. That summer they had gone to Buzzard’s Bay, in order that Professor Lanfear might be near the Biological Station at Wood’s Holl, and they were picnicking in a kind of sketchy bungalow without any attempt at elegance. But Galen Dredge couldn’t have been more awe-struck if he’d been suddenly plunged into a Fifth Avenue ball-room. He nearly knocked his shock head against the low doorway, and in dodging this peril trod heavily on Mabel Lanfear’s foot, and became hopelessly entangled in her mother’s draperies—though how he managed it I never knew, for Mrs. Lanfear’s dowdy muslins ran to no excess of train.
In his youth, it was completely different. I knew him twenty years ago as an awkward guy whom young Archie Lanfear had met at college and brought home for a visit. I happened to be staying with the Lanfears when the boys arrived, and I will never forget Dredge’s first entrance. You know the Lanfears always lived very simply. That summer, they had gone to Buzzard’s Bay so that Professor Lanfear could be close to the Biological Station at Wood’s Hole, and they were picnicking in a pretty basic bungalow without any attempt at elegance. But Galen Dredge looked completely amazed, like he had suddenly found himself in a Fifth Avenue ballroom. He almost hit his head on the low doorway, and in trying to avoid that, he stepped hard on Mabel Lanfear’s foot and got hopelessly tangled in her mother’s drapes—though how he managed it, I’ll never know, since Mrs. Lanfear’s plain muslins didn’t have much of a trail.
When the Professor himself came in it was ten times worse, and I saw then that Dredge’s emotion was a tribute to the great man’s proximity. That made the boy interesting, and I began to watch. Archie, always enthusiastic but vague, had said: “Oh, he’s a tremendous chap—you’ll see—” but I hadn’t expected to see quite so clearly. Lanfear’s vision, of course, was sharper than mine; and the next morning he had carried Dredge off to the Biological Station. And that was the way it began.
When the Professor walked in, it was even worse, and I realized then that Dredge’s emotions were a response to the great man being nearby. That made the kid interesting, so I started to pay attention. Archie, who was always enthusiastic but a bit vague, had said, “Oh, he’s an amazing guy—you’ll see—” but I hadn’t expected to see quite so clearly. Lanfear’s insight, of course, was sharper than mine; the next morning he took Dredge to the Biological Station. And that’s how it all started.
Dredge is the son of a Baptist minister. He comes from East Lethe, New York State, and was working his way through college—waiting at White Mountain hotels in summer—when Archie Lanfear ran across him. There were eight children in the family, and the mother was an invalid. Dredge never had a penny from his father after he was fourteen; but his mother wanted him to be a scholar, and “kept at him,” as he put it, in the hope of his going back to “teach school” at East Lethe. He developed slowly, as the scientific mind generally does, and was still adrift about himself and his tendencies when Archie took him down to Buzzard’s Bay. But he had read Lanfear’s “Utility and Variation,” and had always been a patient and curious observer of nature. And his first meeting with Lanfear explained him to himself. It didn’t, however, enable him to explain himself to others, and for a long time he remained, to all but Lanfear, an object of incredulity and conjecture.
Dredge is the son of a Baptist minister. He comes from East Lethe, New York, and was working his way through college—waiting at White Mountain hotels in the summer—when Archie Lanfear came across him. There were eight kids in the family, and their mother was sick. Dredge didn’t get a dime from his father after he turned fourteen, but his mother wanted him to be educated and “kept at him,” as he put it, hoping he would go back to “teach school” in East Lethe. He developed slowly, like most scientific minds do, and was still unsure about himself and his interests when Archie took him down to Buzzard’s Bay. However, he had read Lanfear’s “Utility and Variation,” and had always been a patient and curious observer of nature. His first meeting with Lanfear helped him understand himself better. However, it didn’t help him explain himself to others, and for a long time, he remained, to everyone but Lanfear, an object of disbelief and speculation.
“ Why my husband wants him about—” poor Mrs. Lanfear, the kindest of women, privately lamented to her friends; for Dredge, at that time—they kept him all summer at the bungalow—had one of the most encumbering personalities you can imagine. He was as inexpressive as he is to-day, and yet oddly obtrusive: one of those uncomfortable presences whose silence is an interruption.
“ Why does my husband want him around—” poor Mrs. Lanfear, the kindest woman, privately complained to her friends; because Dredge, who they kept at the bungalow all summer, had one of the most overwhelming personalities you can imagine. He was as uncommunicative as he is today, yet strangely intrusive: one of those awkward presences whose silence feels like a disruption.
The poor Lanfears almost died of him that summer, and the pity of it was that he never suspected it, but continued to lavish on them a floundering devotion as uncomfortable as the endearments of a dripping dog—all out of gratitude for the Professor’s kindness! He was full, in those days, of raw enthusiasms, which he forced on any one who would listen when his first shyness had worn off. You can’t picture him spouting sentimental poetry, can you? Yet I’ve seen him petrify a whole group of Mrs. Lanfear’s callers by suddenly discharging on them, in the strident drawl of Western New York, “Barbara Frietchie” or “The Queen of the May.” His taste in literature was uniformly bad, but very definite, and far more assertive than his views on biological questions. In his scientific judgments he showed, even then, a remarkable temperance, a precocious openness to the opposite view; but in literature he was a furious propagandist, aggressive, disputatious, and extremely sensitive to adverse opinion.
The poor Lanfears nearly lost it with him that summer, and the sad thing was that he never realized it. He kept showering them with an awkward affection that felt as uncomfortable as the attentions of a soaked dog—all out of gratitude for the Professor’s kindness! During that time, he was full of raw enthusiasm, which he forced onto anyone willing to listen once his initial shyness wore off. You can’t picture him reciting sentimental poetry, can you? Yet I’ve seen him leave a whole group of Mrs. Lanfear’s visitors speechless by suddenly launching into “Barbara Frietchie” or “The Queen of the May” in the loud drawl typical of Western New York. His taste in literature was consistently poor, but very specific, and much more forceful than his opinions on biological issues. Even back then, in his scientific judgments, he exhibited a remarkable restraint and a surprising openness to opposing viewpoints; but in literature, he was a passionate advocate, combative, argumentative, and extremely sensitive to any negative feedback.
Lanfear, of course, had been struck from the first by his gift of accurate observation, and by the fact that his eagerness to learn was offset by his reluctance to conclude. I remember Lanfear’s telling me that he had never known a lad of Dredge’s age who gave such promise of uniting an aptitude for general ideas with the plodding patience of the accumulator of facts. Of course when Lanfear talked like that of a young biologist his fate was sealed. There could be no question of Dredge’s going back to “teach school” at East Lethe. He must take a course in biology at Columbia, spend his vacations at the Wood’s Holl laboratory, and then, if possible, go to Germany for a year or two.
Lanfear had always been impressed by his keen ability to observe and the way his eagerness to learn was balanced by his hesitance to draw conclusions. I remember Lanfear saying that he had never met a boy Dredge's age who showed such potential for combining a knack for broad concepts with the diligent patience of someone who gathers information. Naturally, when Lanfear spoke like that about a young biologist, Dredge's future was set. There was no doubt that Dredge couldn't go back to “teach school” in East Lethe. He had to take a biology course at Columbia, spend his breaks at the Wood's Holl lab, and then, if possible, go to Germany for a year or two.
All this meant his virtual adoption by the Lanfears. Most of Lanfear’s fortune went in helping young students to a start, and he devoted his heaviest subsidies to Dredge.
All this meant he was practically adopted by the Lanfears. Most of Lanfear’s fortune went toward helping young students get a start, and he directed his largest funding to Dredge.
“Dredge will be my biggest dividend—you’ll see!” he used to say, in the chrysalis days when poor Galen was known to the world of science only as a perpetual slouching presence in Mrs. Lanfear’s drawing-room. And Dredge, it must be said, took his obligations simply, with that kind of personal dignity, and quiet sense of his own worth, which in such cases saves the beneficiary from abjectness. He seemed to trust himself as fully as Lanfear trusted him.
“Dredge will be my biggest win—you’ll see!” he used to say during the early days when poor Galen was only known to the scientific community as a constant slouch in Mrs. Lanfear’s living room. And it should be noted that Dredge took his responsibilities seriously, with a sense of personal dignity and a quiet belief in his own value, which saves those he helps from feeling worthless. He seemed to have just as much confidence in himself as Lanfear had in him.
The comic part of it was that his only idea of making what is known as “a return” was to devote himself to the Professor’s family. When I hear pretty women lamenting that they can’t coax Professor Dredge out of his laboratory I remember Mabel Lanfear’s cry to me: “If Galen would only keep away!” When Mabel fell on the ice and broke her leg, Galen walked seven miles in a blizzard to get a surgeon; but if he did her this service one day in the year, he bored her by being in the way for the other three hundred and sixty-four. One would have imagined at that time that he thought his perpetual presence the greatest gift he could bestow; for, except on the occasion of his fetching the surgeon, I don’t remember his taking any other way of expressing his gratitude.
The funny thing was that his only idea of making what’s called “a return” was to dedicate himself to the Professor’s family. When I hear attractive women complaining that they can’t get Professor Dredge out of his lab, I remember Mabel Lanfear’s plea to me: “If only Galen would stay away!” When Mabel slipped on the ice and broke her leg, Galen walked seven miles in a blizzard to get a doctor; but if he did this for her one day of the year, he annoyed her by being around the other three hundred and sixty-four. One would have thought that he believed his constant presence was the best gift he could offer because, apart from fetching the surgeon, I don’t recall him showing any other way of expressing his gratitude.
In love with Mabel? Not a bit! But the queer thing was that he did have a passion in those days—a blind, hopeless passion for Mrs. Lanfear! Yes: I know what I’m saying. I mean Mrs. Lanfear, the Professor’s wife, poor Mrs. Lanfear, with her tight hair and her loose figure, her blameless brow and earnest eye-glasses, and her perpetual attitude of mild misapprehension. I can see Dredge cowering, long and many-jointed, in a diminutive drawing-room chair, one square-toed shoe coiled round an exposed ankle, his knees clasped in a knot of red knuckles, and his spectacles perpetually seeking Mrs. Lanfear’s eye-glasses. I never knew if the poor lady was aware of the sentiment she inspired, but her children observed it, and it provoked them to irreverent mirth. Galen was the predestined butt of Mabel and Archie; and secure in their mother’s virtuous obtuseness, and in her worshipper’s timidity, they allowed themselves a latitude of banter that sometimes turned their audience cold. Dredge meanwhile was going on obstinately with his work. Now and then he had queer fits of idleness, when he lapsed into a state of sulky inertia from which even Lanfear’s admonitions could not rouse him. Once, just before an examination, he suddenly went off to the Maine woods for two weeks, came back, and failed to pass. I don’t know if his benefactor ever lost hope; but at times his confidence must have been sorely strained. The queer part of it was that when Dredge emerged from these eclipses he seemed keener and more active than ever. His slowly growing intelligence probably needed its periodical pauses of assimilation; and Lanfear was marvellously patient.
In love with Mabel? Not at all! But the strange thing was that he did have a passion back then—a blind, hopeless crush on Mrs. Lanfear! Yes, I know what I’m talking about. I mean Mrs. Lanfear, the Professor’s wife, poor Mrs. Lanfear, with her tight hair and her loose figure, her innocent forehead and earnest eyeglasses, and her constant look of mild confusion. I can picture Dredge slouching, long and gangly, in a small drawing-room chair, one square-toed shoe twisted around an exposed ankle, his knees tangled in a knot of red knuckles, and his glasses constantly searching for Mrs. Lanfear’s eyeglasses. I never knew if the poor woman was aware of the feelings she inspired, but her kids noticed, and it made them laugh irreverently. Galen was always the target of Mabel and Archie’s jokes; and confident in their mother’s obliviousness and their worshipper’s shyness, they had a freedom of teasing that sometimes made things awkward. Meanwhile, Dredge stubbornly continued with his work. Occasionally, he’d have strange spells of laziness, sinking into a state of sulking inertia that even Lanfear’s nagging couldn’t shake him out of. Once, just before an exam, he suddenly headed off to the Maine woods for two weeks, returned, and didn’t pass. I don’t know if his benefactor ever lost hope; but at times his confidence must have been seriously tested. The weird part was that when Dredge came out of these slumps, he seemed sharper and more engaged than ever. His slowly developing intelligence probably needed its periodic breaks to catch up; and Lanfear was impressively patient.
At last Dredge finished his course and went to Germany; and when he came back he was a new man—was, in fact, the Dredge we all know. He seemed to have shed his blundering, encumbering personality, and come to life as a disembodied intelligence. His fidelity to the Lanfears was unchanged; but he showed it negatively, by his discretions and abstentions. I have an idea that Mabel was less disposed to deride him, might even have been induced to softer sentiments; but I doubt if Dredge even noticed the change. As for his ex-goddess, he seemed to regard her as a motherly household divinity, the guardian genius of the darning needle; but on Professor Lanfear he looked with a deepening reverence. If the rest of the family had diminished in his eyes, its head had grown even greater.
At last, Dredge completed his course and went to Germany; and when he returned, he was a new man—he was, in fact, the Dredge we all know. He seemed to have shed his clumsy, burdensome personality and come to life as a disembodied intelligence. His loyalty to the Lanfears was unchanged; he just showed it through his discretion and restraint. I have a feeling that Mabel was less inclined to mock him and might even have been moved to kinder feelings; but I doubt that Dredge even noticed the change. As for his former goddess, he seemed to view her as a motherly household figure, the guardian spirit of the darning needle; but he looked at Professor Lanfear with growing reverence. If the rest of the family had lost some significance in his eyes, its head had become even more impressive.
II
FROM that day Dredge’s progress continued steadily. If not always perceptible to the untrained eye, in Lanfear’s sight it never deviated, and the great man began to associate Dredge with his work, and to lean on him more and more. Lanfear’s health was already failing, and in my confidential talks with him I saw how he counted on Galen Dredge to continue and amplify his doctrine. If he did not describe the young man as his predestined Huxley, it was because any such comparison between himself and his great predecessors would have been repugnant to his taste; but he evidently felt that it would be Dredge’s role to reveal him to posterity. And the young man seemed at that time to take the same view of his calling. When he was not busy about Lanfear’s work he was recording their conversations with the diligence of a biographer and the accuracy of a naturalist. Any attempt to question or minimize Lanfear’s theories roused in his disciple the only flashes of wrath I have ever seen a scientific discussion provoke in him. In defending his master he became almost as intemperate as in the early period of his literary passions.
FROM that day on, Dredge's progress continued steadily. If it wasn't always noticeable to the untrained eye, Lanfear could see that it never wavered, and the great man began to connect Dredge with his work and depend on him more and more. Lanfear's health was already deteriorating, and in our private conversations, I saw how much he relied on Galen Dredge to continue and expand his ideas. He might not have referred to the young man as his destined Huxley, but that's only because any comparison between himself and his great predecessors would have felt distasteful to him; still, he clearly believed it would be Dredge's role to showcase him for future generations. The young man seemed to share that perspective on his purpose at the time. When he wasn't occupied with Lanfear's work, he was diligently recording their conversations with the thoroughness of a biographer and the precision of a naturalist. Any attempt to question or downplay Lanfear's theories triggered in his disciple the only moments of anger I've ever seen a scientific discussion spark in him. When defending his mentor, he became nearly as intense as he had been in the earlier days of his literary passions.
Such filial dedication must have been all the more precious to Lanfear because, about that time, it became evident that Archie would never carry on his father’s work. He had begun brilliantly, you may remember, by a little paper on Limulus Polyphemus that attracted a good deal of notice when it appeared in the Central Blatt; but gradually his zoological ardour yielded to an absorbing passion for the violin, which was followed by a sudden plunge into physics. At present, after a side-glance at the drama, I understand he’s devoting what is left of his father’s money to archaeological explorations in Asia Minor.
Such dedication from a child must have been even more valuable to Lanfear because, around that time, it became clear that Archie would never continue his father's work. He had started off wonderfully, as you might recall, with a little paper on Limulus Polyphemus that received a lot of attention when it was published in the Central Blatt; but gradually his enthusiasm for zoology gave way to a deep passion for the violin, which was soon followed by a sudden interest in physics. Now, after a brief foray into drama, I understand he’s spending what’s left of his father’s money on archaeological digs in Asia Minor.
“Archie’s got a delightful little mind,” Lanfear used to say to me, rather wistfully, “but it’s just a highly polished surface held up to the show as it passes. Dredge’s mind takes in only a bit at a time, but the bit stays, and other bits are joined to it, in a hard mosaic of fact, of which imagination weaves the pattern. I saw just how it would be years ago, when my boy used to take my meaning in a flash, and answer me with clever objections, while Galen disappeared into one of his fathomless silences, and then came to the surface like a dripping retriever, a long way beyond Archie’s objections, and with an answer to them in his mouth.”
“Archie has a charming little mind,” Lanfear used to say to me, somewhat wistfully, “but it’s just a shiny exterior presented for everyone to see. Dredge’s mind absorbs a little at a time, but what it takes in sticks, and new pieces are connected, forming a tough mosaic of facts that imagination shapes into patterns. I realized this years ago when my son would grasp my meaning instantly and respond with clever counterarguments, while Galen would sink into one of his deep silences, only to reemerge like a soaked retriever, well past Archie’s objections, with a response ready to go.”
It was about this time that the crowning satisfaction of Lanfear’s career came to him: I mean, of course, John Weyman’s gift to Columbia of the Lanfear Laboratory, and the founding, in connection with it, of a chair of Experimental Evolution. Weyman had always taken an interest in Lanfear’s work, but no one had supposed that his interest would express itself so magnificently. The honour came to Lanfear at a time when he was fighting an accumulation of troubles: failing health, the money difficulties resulting from his irrepressible generosity, his disappointment about Archie’s career, and perhaps also the persistent attacks of the new school of German zoologists.
It was around this time that Lanfear experienced the greatest achievement of his career: John Weyman's donation of the Lanfear Laboratory to Columbia and the establishment of a chair in Experimental Evolution alongside it. Weyman had always had an interest in Lanfear's work, but no one expected his support to manifest so impressively. The recognition came to Lanfear during a period when he was dealing with numerous challenges: declining health, financial issues arising from his unstoppable generosity, his disappointment over Archie’s career, and perhaps also the ongoing criticism from the new wave of German zoologists.
“If I hadn’t Galen I should feel the game was up,” he said to me once, in a fit of half-real, half-mocking despondency. “But he’ll do what I haven’t time to do myself, and what my boy can’t do for me.”
“If I didn't have Galen, I’d feel like everything was over,” he said to me once, in a moment of half-serious, half-mocking sadness. “But he’ll handle what I don’t have time to do myself, and what my son can’t do for me.”
That meant that he would answer the critics, and triumphantly affirm Lanfear’s theory, which had been rudely shaken, but not displaced.
That meant he would respond to the critics and confidently support Lanfear’s theory, which had been roughly challenged, but not overturned.
“A scientific hypothesis lasts till there’s something else to put in its place. People who want to get across a river will use the old bridge till the new one’s built. And I don’t see any one who’s particularly anxious, in this case, to take a contract for the new one,” Lanfear ended; and I remember answering with a laugh: “Not while Horatius Dredge holds the other.”
“A scientific hypothesis lasts until there's something better to replace it. People trying to cross a river will use the old bridge until the new one is built. And I don’t see anyone who’s particularly eager, in this case, to take on the job for the new one,” Lanfear concluded; and I remember responding with a laugh: “Not while Horatius Dredge controls the other.”
It was generally known that Lanfear had not long to live, and the Laboratory was hardly opened before the question of his successor in the chair of Experimental Evolution began to be a matter of public discussion. It was conceded that whoever followed him ought to be a man of achieved reputation, some one carrying, as the French say, a considerable “baggage.” At the same time, even Lanfear’s critics felt that he should be succeeded by a man who held his views and would continue his teaching. This was not in itself a difficulty, for German criticism had so far been mainly negative, and there were plenty of good men who, while they questioned the permanent validity of Lanfear’s conclusions, were yet ready to accept them for their provisional usefulness. And then there was the added inducement of the Laboratory! The Columbia Professor of Experimental Evolution has at his disposal the most complete instrument of biological research that modern ingenuity has yet produced; and it’s not only in theology or politics que Paris vaut bien une messe! There was no trouble about finding a candidate; but the whole thing turned on Lanfear’s decision, since it was tacitly understood that, by Weyman’s wish, he was to select his successor. And what a cry there was when he selected Galen Dredge!
It was widely known that Lanfear didn’t have long to live, and the Laboratory had barely opened before discussions about who would succeed him as the chair of Experimental Evolution became a public topic. It was agreed that his successor should be someone with a substantial reputation, basically someone who came with significant "baggage," as the French say. At the same time, even Lanfear’s critics believed he should be followed by someone who shared his views and would continue his teachings. This wasn’t a major issue, as most German criticism had been largely negative, and there were plenty of qualified individuals who, while questioning the long-term validity of Lanfear’s conclusions, were still willing to accept them for their immediate usefulness. Moreover, there was the appealing factor of the Laboratory! The Columbia Professor of Experimental Evolution has access to the most advanced instruments of biological research that modern ingenuity has produced; and it’s not only in theology or politics que Paris vaut bien une messe! Finding a candidate wasn’t a problem; the whole matter hinged on Lanfear’s decision, as it was understood that he was to choose his successor at Weyman’s request. And what an uproar there was when he picked Galen Dredge!
Not in the scientific world, though. The specialists were beginning to know about Dredge. His remarkable paper on Sexual Dimorphism had been translated into several languages, and a furious polemic had broken out over it. When a young fellow can get the big men fighting over him his future is pretty well assured. But Dredge was only thirty-four, and some people seemed to feel that there was a kind of deflected nepotism in Lanfear’s choice.
Not in the scientific community, though. The experts were starting to hear about Dredge. His impressive paper on Sexual Dimorphism had been translated into several languages, and a heated debate had erupted over it. When a young guy can get the big names arguing about him, his future is pretty much guaranteed. But Dredge was only thirty-four, and some people seemed to think there was a hint of favoritism in Lanfear’s choice.
“If he could choose Dredge he might as well have chosen his own son,” I’ve heard it said; and the irony was that Archie—will you believe it?—actually thought so himself! But Lanfear had Weyman behind him, and when the end came the Faculty at once appointed Galen Dredge to the chair of Experimental Evolution.
“If he could pick Dredge, he might as well have picked his own son,” I’ve heard people say; and the ironic part is that Archie—can you believe it?—actually thought that too! But Lanfear had Weyman supporting him, and when it was all said and done, the Faculty immediately appointed Galen Dredge to the chair of Experimental Evolution.
For the first two years things went quietly, along accustomed lines. Dredge simply continued the course which Lanfear’s death had interrupted. He lectured well even then, with a persuasive simplicity surprising in the slow, inarticulate creature one knew him for. But haven’t you noticed that certain personalities reveal themselves only in the more impersonal relations of life? It’s as if they woke only to collective contacts, and the single consciousness were an unmeaning fragment to them.
For the first two years, things went smoothly, just like before. Dredge simply picked up where Lanfear’s death had left off. He gave lectures well even back then, with a surprisingly persuasive simplicity for someone who seemed slow and inarticulate. But haven’t you noticed that some personalities only come to life in more impersonal relationships? It’s as if they only awaken in group interactions, and individual consciousness feels meaningless to them.
If there was anything to criticize in that first part of the course, it was the avoidance of general ideas, of those brilliant rockets of conjecture that Lanfear’s students were used to seeing him fling across the darkness. I remember once saying this to Archie, who, having recovered from his absurd disappointment, had returned to his old allegiance to Dredge.
If there was anything to criticize in that first part of the course, it was the lack of general ideas, those brilliant sparks of speculation that Lanfear’s students were used to seeing him launch into the darkness. I remember telling this to Archie, who, after getting over his ridiculous disappointment, had returned to his old loyalty to Dredge.
“Oh, that’s Galen all over. He doesn’t want to jump into the ring till he has a big swishing knock-down argument in his fist. He’ll wait twenty years if he has to. That’s his strength: he’s never afraid to wait.”
“Oh, that’s Galen for you. He won’t enter the discussion until he has a solid, knockout argument ready. He’ll wait twenty years if that’s what it takes. That’s his strength: he’s never afraid to be patient.”
I thought this shrewd of Archie, as well as generous; and I saw the wisdom of Dredge’s course. As Lanfear himself had said, his theory was safe enough till somebody found a more attractive one; and before that day Dredge would probably have accumulated sufficient proof to crystallize the fluid hypothesis.
I thought Archie's approach was clever and generous, and I understood Dredge's strategy. As Lanfear himself had mentioned, his theory was solid enough until someone discovered a more appealing one; and by that time, Dredge would likely have gathered enough evidence to solidify the uncertain hypothesis.
III
THE third winter I was off collecting in Central America, and didn’t get back till Dredge’s course had been going for a couple of months. The very day I turned up in town Archie Lanfear descended on me with a summons from his mother. I was wanted at once at a family council.
THE third winter I was away collecting in Central America, and I didn’t return until Dredge’s course had been running for a couple of months. The very day I got back to town, Archie Lanfear showed up with a message from his mother. I was needed right away at a family meeting.
I found the Lanfear ladies in a state of incoherent distress, which Archie’s own indignation hardly made more intelligible. But gradually I put together their fragmentary charges, and learned that Dredge’s lectures were turning into an organized assault on his master’s doctrine.
I found the Lanfear ladies in a confused state of distress, which Archie’s own anger didn’t help clarify. But little by little, I pieced together their scattered claims and discovered that Dredge’s lectures were evolving into a coordinated attack on his master’s beliefs.
“It amounts to just this,” Archie said, controlling his women with the masterful gesture of the weak man. “Galen has simply turned round and betrayed my father.”
“It comes down to this,” Archie said, managing his women with the commanding gesture of a powerless man. “Galen has just turned around and betrayed my father.”
“Just for a handful of silver he left us,” Mabel sobbed in parenthesis, while Mrs. Lanfear tearfully cited Hamlet.
“Just for a handful of silver he left us,” Mabel sobbed aside, while Mrs. Lanfear tearfully quoted Hamlet.
Archie silenced them again. “The ugly part of it is that he must have had this up his sleeve for years. He must have known when he was asked to succeed my father what use he meant to make of his opportunity. What he’s doing isn’t the result of a hasty conclusion: it means years of work and preparation.”
Archie silenced them again. “The harsh truth is that he must have been planning this for years. He must have known when he was asked to take over from my father how he intended to use that opportunity. What he’s doing isn’t a sudden decision: it shows years of effort and planning.”
Archie broke off to explain himself. He had returned from Europe the week before, and had learned on arriving that Dredge’s lectures were stirring the world of science as nothing had stirred it since Lanfear’s “Utility and Variation.” And the incredible outrage was that they owed their sensational effect to the fact of being an attempted refutation of Lanfear’s great work.
Archie paused to clarify. He had just come back from Europe the week before and found out that Dredge’s lectures were shaking up the scientific community like nothing had since Lanfear’s “Utility and Variation.” The shocking part was that their dramatic impact came from being a challenge to Lanfear’s groundbreaking work.
I own that I was staggered: the case looked ugly, as Archie said. And there was a veil of reticence, of secrecy, about Dredge, that always kept his conduct in a half-light of uncertainty. Of some men one would have said off-hand: “It’s impossible!” But one couldn’t affirm it of him.
I admit I was shocked: the situation looked bad, as Archie said. There was an air of hesitation, of mystery, about Dredge that always left his behavior in a shadow of doubt. With some people, you would easily say, “That’s impossible!” But you couldn't say that about him.
Archie hadn’t seen him as yet; and Mrs. Lanfear had sent for me because she wished me to be present at the interview between the two men. The Lanfear ladies had a touching belief in Archie’s violence: they thought him as terrible as a natural force. My own idea was that if there were any broken bones they wouldn’t be Dredge’s; but I was too curious as to the outcome not to be glad to offer my services as moderator.
Archie hadn’t seen him yet, and Mrs. Lanfear asked me to come because she wanted me to be there for the meeting between the two men. The Lanfear women had a heartfelt belief in Archie’s aggression; they thought of him as fierce as a natural disaster. Personally, I believed that if there were any broken bones, they wouldn’t belong to Dredge, but I was too interested in the outcome not to be happy to offer my help as a mediator.
First, however, I wanted to hear one of the lectures; and I went the next afternoon. The hall was jammed, and I saw, as soon as Dredge appeared, what increased security and ease the interest of his public had given him. He had been clear the year before, now he was also eloquent. The lecture was a remarkable effort: you’ll find the gist of it in Chapter VII of “The Arrival of the Fittest.” Archie sat at my side in a white rage; he was too clever not to measure the extent of the disaster. And I was almost as indignant as he when we went to see Dredge the next day.
First, though, I wanted to attend one of the lectures, so I went the next afternoon. The hall was packed, and I immediately noticed how much more confident and relaxed Dredge looked, thanks to his audience's interest. He had been clear the previous year, but now he was also very persuasive. The lecture was an impressive effort: you’ll find the main points in Chapter VII of “The Arrival of the Fittest.” Archie sat next to me, fuming; he was smart enough to grasp the scale of the disaster. I was nearly as upset as he was when we went to talk to Dredge the following day.
I saw at a glance that the latter suspected nothing; and it was characteristic of him that he began by questioning me about my finds, and only afterward turned to reproach Archie for having been back a week without notifying him.
I could tell right away that the latter didn't suspect anything; and it was typical of him to start by asking me about my discoveries, and only later criticize Archie for being back for a week without letting him know.
“You know I’m up to my neck in this job. Why in the world didn’t you hunt me up before this?”
“You know I’m really busy with this job. Why on earth didn’t you reach out to me sooner?”
The question was exasperating, and I could understand Archie’s stammer of wrath.
The question was frustrating, and I could see why Archie was stumbling with anger.
“Hunt you up? Hunt you up? What the deuce are you made of, to ask me such a question instead of wondering why I’m here now?”
“Hunt you up? Hunt you up? What on earth are you thinking, to ask me such a question instead of wondering why I'm here now?”
Dredge bent his slow calm scrutiny on his friend’s quivering face; then he turned to me.
Dredge focused his steady, calm gaze on his friend's trembling face; then he turned to me.
“What’s the matter?” he said simply.
“What's wrong?” he asked flatly.
“The matter?” shrieked Archie, his clenched fist hovering excitedly above the desk by which he stood; but Dredge, with unwonted quickness, caught the fist as it descended.
“The matter?” yelled Archie, his clenched fist raised eagerly above the desk he stood by; but Dredge, with surprising speed, grabbed the fist as it came down.
“Careful—I’ve got a Kallima in that jar there.” He pushed a chair forward, and added quietly: “Sit down.”
“Careful—I’ve got a Kallima in that jar there.” He moved a chair forward and added quietly, “Sit down.”
Archie, ignoring the gesture, towered pale and avenging in his place; and Dredge, after a moment, took the chair himself.
Archie, disregarding the gesture, stood tall and vengeful in his spot; and Dredge, after a brief pause, sat in the chair himself.
“The matter?” Archie reiterated with rising passion. “Are you so lost to all sense of decency and honour that you can put that question in good faith? Don’t you really know what’s the matter?”
“The matter?” Archie repeated with growing intensity. “Are you so out of touch with any sense of decency and honor that you can ask that question sincerely? Don’t you really know what the issue is?”
Dredge smiled slowly. “There are so few things one really knows.”
Dredge smiled slowly. “There are so few things one truly knows.”
“Oh, damn your scientific hair-splitting! Don’t you know you’re insulting my father’s memory?”
“Oh, forget your pointless scientific arguments! Don’t you realize you’re disrespecting my father’s memory?”
Dredge stared again, turning his spectacles thoughtfully from one of us to the other.
Dredge stared again, adjusting his glasses as he looked thoughtfully from one of us to the other.
“Oh, that’s it, is it? Then you’d better sit down. If you don’t see at once it’ll take some time to make you.”
“Oh, is that all? Then you should sit down. If you don’t get it right away, it’s going to take a while to explain.”
Archie burst into an ironic laugh.
Archie let out a sarcastic laugh.
“I rather think it will!” he conceded.
“I think it will!” he admitted.
“Sit down, Archie,” I said, setting the example; and he obeyed, with a gesture that made his consent a protest.
“Sit down, Archie,” I said, leading by example; and he complied, with a gesture that turned his agreement into a complaint.
Dredge seemed to notice nothing beyond the fact that his visitors were seated. He reached for his pipe, and filled it with the care which the habit of delicate manipulations gave to all the motions of his long, knotty hands.
Dredge didn’t seem to notice anything except that his visitors were sitting down. He reached for his pipe and filled it with the same careful movements that his long, knotted hands had developed over time.
“It’s about the lectures?” he said.
“It’s about the lectures?” he asked.
Archie’s answer was a deep scornful breath.
Archie responded with a deep, scornful sigh.
“You’ve only been back a week, so you’ve only heard one, I suppose?”
“You’ve only been back a week, so I guess you’ve only heard one, right?”
“It was not necessary to hear even that one. You must know the talk they’re making. If notoriety is what you’re after—”
“It wasn’t even necessary to hear that one. You must know the gossip people are spreading. If fame is what you’re after—”
“Well, I’m not sorry to make a noise,” said Dredge, putting a match to his pipe.
“Well, I’m not sorry to make some noise,” said Dredge, lighting his pipe with a match.
Archie bounded in his chair. “There’s no easier way of doing it than to attack a man who can’t answer you!”
Archie bounced in his chair. “There’s no easier way to do it than to go after someone who can’t respond!”
Dredge raised a sobering hand. “Hold on. Perhaps you and I don’t mean the same thing. Tell me first what’s in your mind.”
Dredge raised a serious hand. “Wait a second. Maybe you and I don’t mean the same thing. First, tell me what you’re thinking.”
The request steadied Archie, who turned on Dredge a countenance really eloquent with filial indignation.
The request calmed Archie, who looked at Dredge with a face full of heartfelt anger.
“It’s an odd question for you to ask; it makes me wonder what’s in yours. Not much thought of my father, at any rate, or you couldn’t stand in his place and use the chance he’s given you to push yourself at his expense.”
“It’s a strange question for you to ask; it makes me curious about what’s on your mind. Not much thought of my father, clearly, or you wouldn’t be taking his place and using the opportunity he provided to advance yourself at his expense.”
Dredge received this in silence, puffing slowly at his pipe.
Dredge took this in quietly, slowly puffing on his pipe.
“Is that the way it strikes you?” he asked at length.
“Is that how it seems to you?” he asked after a moment.
“God! It’s the way it would strike most men.”
“Wow! It's how it would hit most guys.”
He turned to me. “You too?”
He turned to me. “You as well?”
“I can see how Archie feels,” I said.
"I understand how Archie feels," I said.
“That I’m attacking his father’s memory to glorify myself?”
“That I’m disrespecting his father’s memory to make myself look better?”
“Well, not precisely: I think what he really feels is that, if your convictions didn’t permit you to continue his father’s teaching, you might perhaps have done better to sever your connection with the Lanfear lectureship.”
“Well, not exactly: I think what he really feels is that if your beliefs didn’t allow you to continue his father’s teachings, you might have been better off cutting ties with the Lanfear lectureship.”
“Then you and he regard the Lanfear lectureship as having been founded to perpetuate a dogma, not to try and get at the truth?”
“Are you and he saying that the Lanfear lectureship was created to promote a belief rather than to seek the truth?”
“Certainly not,” Archie broke in. “But there’s a question of taste, of delicacy, involved in the case that can’t be decided on abstract principles. We know as well as you that my father meant the laboratory and the lectureship to serve the ends of science, at whatever cost to his own special convictions; what we feel—and you don’t seem to—is that you’re the last man to put them to that use; and I don’t want to remind you why.”
“Definitely not,” Archie interrupted. “But there’s a matter of taste and sensitivity in this situation that can’t be determined by just abstract principles. We both know that my father intended the lab and the lectureship to support science, no matter the cost to his own beliefs; what we're feeling—and you don’t seem to get this—is that you’re the last person who should be using them for that purpose; and I’m not going to remind you why.”
A slight redness rose through Dredge’s sallow skin. “You needn’t,” he said. “It’s because he pulled me out of my hole, woke me up, made me, shoved me off from the shore. Because he saved me ten or twenty years of muddled effort, and put me where I am at an age when my best working years are still ahead of me. Every one knows that’s what your father did for me, but I’m the only person who knows the time and trouble that it took.”
A faint flush spread across Dredge's pale skin. “You don’t have to,” he said. “It’s because he pulled me out of my rut, woke me up, helped me, pushed me away from the shore. Because he saved me ten or twenty years of pointless struggle and positioned me where I am at an age when my best working years are still ahead. Everyone knows what your father did for me, but I’m the only one who understands the time and effort it took.”
It was well said, and I glanced quickly at Archie, who was never closed to generous emotions.
It was well said, and I quickly looked over at Archie, who was always open to generous feelings.
“Well, then—?” he said, flushing also.
“Well, then—?” he said, blushing too.
“Well, then,” Dredge continued, his voice deepening and losing its nasal edge, “I had to pay him back, didn’t I?”
“Well, then,” Dredge continued, his voice getting deeper and losing its nasal tone, “I had to pay him back, didn’t I?”
The sudden drop flung Archie back on his prepared attitude of irony. “It would be the natural inference—with most men.”
The sudden drop threw Archie back into his usual ironic stance. “That would be the obvious conclusion—with most guys.”
“Just so. And I’m not so very different. I knew your father wanted a successor—some one who’d try and tie up the loose ends. And I took the lectureship with that object.”
“Exactly. And I’m not that different. I knew your father wanted a successor—someone who’d try to wrap things up. And I took the lectureship for that purpose.”
“And you’re using it to tear the whole fabric to pieces!”
“And you’re using it to rip everything apart!”
Dredge paused to re-light his pipe. “Looks that way,” he conceded. “This year anyhow.”
Dredge stopped to light his pipe again. “Seems like it,” he agreed. “At least this year.”
“ This year—?” Archie gasped at him.
This year—?” Archie gasped at him.
“Yes. When I took up the job I saw it just as your father left it. Or rather, I didn’t see any other way of going on with it. The change came gradually, as I worked.”
“Yes. When I started the job, it was just as your father had left it. Or rather, I didn’t see any other way to continue with it. The change happened slowly, as I worked.”
“Gradually? So that you had time to look round you, to know where you were, to see you were fatally committed to undoing the work he had done?”
“Gradually? So that you had time to take a look around, to understand where you were, to realize you were trapped in unwinding the work he had done?”
“Oh, yes—I had time,” Dredge conceded.
“Oh, yes—I had time,” Dredge admitted.
“And yet you kept the chair and went on with the course?”
“And yet you kept the chair and continued with the course?”
Dredge refilled his pipe, and then turned in his seat so that he looked squarely at Archie.
Dredge refilled his pipe and then turned in his seat to look directly at Archie.
“What would your father have done in my place?” he asked.
“What would your dad have done if he were me?” he asked.
“In your place—?”
“In your shoes—?”
“Yes: supposing he’d found out the things I’ve found out in the last year or two. You’ll see what they are, and how much they count, if you’ll run over the report of the lectures. If your father’d been alive he might have come across the same facts just as easily.”
“Yes: imagine if he’d discovered the things I’ve discovered in the last year or two. You’ll see what they are and how significant they are if you go over the lecture report. If your father had been alive, he might have stumbled upon the same facts just as easily.”
There was a silence which Archie at last broke by saying: “But he didn’t, and you did. There’s the difference.”
There was a silence that Archie finally broke by saying, “But he didn’t, and you did. That’s the difference.”
“The difference? What difference? Would your father have suppressed the facts if he’d found them? It’s you who insult his memory by implying it! And if I’d brought them to him, would he have used his hold over me to get me to suppress them?”
“The difference? What difference? Would your dad have hidden the facts if he’d discovered them? It’s you who disrespects his memory by suggesting that! And if I’d shown them to him, would he have used his influence over me to make me hide them?”
“Certainly not. But can’t you see it’s his death that makes the difference? He’s not here to defend his case.”
“Definitely not. But can't you see that it's his death that changes everything? He's not here to defend himself.”
Dredge laughed, but not unkindly. “My dear Archie, your father wasn’t one of the kind who bother to defend their case. Men like him are the masters, not the servants, of their theories. They respect an idea only as long as it’s of use to them; when it’s usefulness ends they chuck it out. And that’s what your father would have done.”
Dredge laughed, but not harshly. “My dear Archie, your father wasn’t the type to bother defending his views. Men like him are the masters, not the followers, of their ideas. They value a concept only while it serves them; once it stops being useful, they discard it. And that’s exactly what your father would have done.”
Archie reddened. “Don’t you assume a good deal in taking it for granted that he would have had to in this particular case?”
Archie turned red. “Aren’t you assuming a lot by taking it for granted that he would have had to in this specific situation?”
Dredge reflected. “Yes: I was going too far. Each of us can only answer for himself. But to my mind your father’s theory is refuted.”
Dredge thought for a moment. “Yeah, I was overstepping. Each person can only answer for themselves. But in my opinion, your dad's theory has been disproven.”
“And you don’t hesitate to be the man to do it?”
“And you don’t hesitate to be the one to do it?”
“Should I have been of any use if I had? And did your father ever ask anything of me but to be of as much use as I could?”
“Would I have been helpful if I had? And did your father ever expect anything from me other than to be as helpful as I could?”
It was Archie’s turn to reflect. “No. That was what he always wanted, of course.”
It was Archie's chance to think. "No. That was what he always wanted, of course."
“That’s the way I’ve always felt. The first day he took me away from East Lethe I knew the debt I was piling up against him, and I never had any doubt as to how I’d pay it, or how he’d want it paid. He didn’t pick me out and train me for any object but to carry on the light. Do you suppose he’d have wanted me to snuff it out because it happened to light up a fact he didn’t fancy? I’m using his oil to feed my torch with: yes, but it isn’t really his torch or mine, or his oil or mine: they belong to each of us till we drop and hand them on.”
“That’s how I’ve always felt. The first day he took me away from East Lethe, I realized the debt I was building up with him, and I never doubted how I’d pay it back or how he’d want it paid. He didn’t choose me and train me for any other reason than to keep the light going. Do you really think he’d want me to extinguish it just because it illuminated something he didn’t like? I’m using his oil to fuel my torch: yes, but it isn’t really his torch or mine, or his oil or mine: they belong to all of us until we’re gone and pass them on.”
Archie turned a sobered glance on him. “I see your point. But if the job had to be done I don’t see that you need have done it from his chair.”
Archie gave him a serious look. “I get what you're saying. But if the job had to be done, I don’t think you needed to do it from his chair.”
“There’s where we differ. If I did it at all I had to do it in the best way, and with all the authority his backing gave me. If I owe your father anything, I owe him that. It would have made him sick to see the job badly done. And don’t you see that the way to honour him, and show what he’s done for science, was to spare no advantage in my attack on him—that I’m proving the strength of his position by the desperateness of my assault?” Dredge paused and squared his lounging shoulders. “After all,” he added, “he’s not down yet, and if I leave him standing I guess it’ll be some time before anybody else cares to tackle him.”
“There’s where we differ. If I did it at all, I had to do it in the best way possible and with all the authority his support gave me. If I owe your father anything, I owe him that. It would have made him sick to see the job done poorly. And don’t you see that the way to honor him and show what he’s done for science is to spare no advantage in my attack on him—that I’m proving the strength of his position by the intensity of my assault?” Dredge paused and squared his relaxed shoulders. “After all,” he added, “he’s not out of the game yet, and if I leave him standing, I guess it’ll be a while before anyone else wants to take him on.”
There was a silence between the two men; then Dredge continued in a lighter tone: “There’s one thing, though, that we’re both in danger of forgetting: and that is how little, in the long run, it all counts either way.” He smiled a little at Archie’s outraged gesture. “The most we can any of us do—even by such a magnificent effort as your father’s—is to turn the great marching army a hair’s breadth nearer what seems to us the right direction; if one of us drops out, here and there, the loss of headway’s hardly perceptible. And that’s what I’m coming to now.”
There was a quiet moment between the two men; then Dredge spoke up in a lighter tone: “There’s one thing, though, that we might be forgetting: how little any of this really matters in the grand scheme of things.” He smiled a bit at Archie’s shocked reaction. “The most any of us can do—even with such an impressive effort as your dad’s—is to steer the huge moving army just a tiny bit closer to what we think is the right path; if one of us drops out here and there, the loss of progress is barely noticeable. And that’s what I’m getting to now.”
He rose from his seat, and walked across to the hearth; then, cautiously resting his shoulder-blades against the mantel-shelf jammed with miscellaneous specimens, he bent his musing spectacles on Archie.
He got up from his seat and walked over to the fireplace. Then, carefully propping his shoulder blades against the mantel cluttered with various items, he focused his thoughtful glasses on Archie.
“Your father would have understood why I’ve done, what I’m doing; but that’s no reason why the rest of you should. And I rather think it’s the rest of you who’ve suffered most from me. He always knew what I was there for, and that must have been some comfort even when I was most in the way; but I was just an ordinary nuisance to you and your mother and Mabel. You were all too kind to let me see it at the time, but I’ve seen it since, and it makes me feel that, after all, the settling of this matter lies with you. If it hurts you to have me go on with my examination of your father’s theory, I’m ready to drop the lectures to-morrow, and trust to the Lanfear Laboratory to breed up a young chap who’ll knock us both out in time. You’ve only got to say the word.”
"Your dad would have understood why I’ve done what I’m doing, but that doesn’t mean the rest of you should. I think it’s actually the rest of you who’ve suffered the most because of me. He always knew what my purpose was, and that must have been some comfort even when I was most in the way; but I was just an ordinary nuisance to you, your mom, and Mabel. You were all too kind to let me see it at the time, but I’ve realized it since, and it makes me feel that, in the end, the decision about this matter is up to you. If it bothers you for me to continue my examination of your dad’s theory, I’m ready to stop the lectures tomorrow and rely on the Lanfear Laboratory to raise a young guy who’ll surpass us both in time. You just have to say the word."
There was a pause while Dredge turned and laid his extinguished pipe carefully between a jar of embryo sea-urchins and a colony of regenerating planarians.
There was a pause while Dredge turned and placed his cold pipe carefully between a jar of developing sea urchins and a group of regrowing planarians.
Then Archie rose and held out his hand.
Then Archie got up and reached out his hand.
“No,” he said simply; “go on.”
“No,” he said simply. “Go ahead.”
FULL CIRCLE
I
GEOFFREY BETTON woke rather late—so late that the winter sunlight sliding across his warm red carpet struck his eyes as he turned on the pillow.
GEOFFREY BETTON woke up pretty late—so late that the winter sunlight streaming across his warm red carpet hit his eyes as he turned on the pillow.
Strett, the valet, had been in, drawn the bath in the adjoining dressing-room, placed the crystal and silver cigarette-box at his side, put a match to the fire, and thrown open the windows to the bright morning air. It brought in, on the glitter of sun, all the shrill crisp morning noises—those piercing notes of the American thoroughfare that seem to take a sharper vibration from the clearness of the medium through which they pass.
Strett, the valet, had come in, drawn the bath in the nearby dressing room, set the crystal and silver cigarette box at his side, lit the fire, and thrown open the windows to let in the bright morning air. It brought in, sparkling in the sunlight, all the sharp, crisp morning sounds—those piercing notes of the American street that seem to resonate more intensely in the clarity of the atmosphere through which they travel.
Betton raised himself languidly. That was the voice of Fifth Avenue below his windows. He remembered that when he moved into his rooms eighteen months before, the sound had been like music to him: the complex orchestration to which the tune of his new life was set. Now it filled him with horror and weariness, since it had become the symbol of the hurry and noise of that new life. He had been far less hurried in the old days when he had to be up by seven, and down at the office sharp at nine. Now that he got up when he chose, and his life had no fixed framework of duties, the hours hunted him like a pack of blood-hounds.
Betton slowly propped himself up. That was the sound of Fifth Avenue coming from below his windows. He recalled that when he first moved into his apartment eighteen months ago, the noise had felt like music to him: the intricate orchestration to which the melody of his new life was set. Now, it filled him with dread and exhaustion, as it had turned into a representation of the rush and chaos of that new life. He had been much less rushed in the old days when he had to be up by seven and at the office sharp at nine. Now that he got up whenever he wanted and his life had no set schedule of responsibilities, the hours chased him like a pack of bloodhounds.
He dropped back on his pillows with a groan. Yes—not a year ago there had been a positively sensuous joy in getting out of bed, feeling under his bare feet the softness of the sunlit carpet, and entering the shining tiled sanctuary where his great porcelain bath proffered its renovating flood. But then a year ago he could still call up the horror of the communal plunge at his earlier lodgings: the listening for other bathers, the dodging of shrouded ladies in “crimping”-pins, the cold wait on the landing, the reluctant descent into a blotchy tin bath, and the effort to identify one’s soap and nail-brush among the promiscuous implements of ablution. That memory had faded now, and Betton saw only the dark hours to which his blue and white temple of refreshment formed a kind of glittering antechamber. For after his bath came his breakfast, and on the breakfast-tray his letters. His letters!
He sank back onto his pillows with a groan. Just a year ago, there had been a real pleasure in getting out of bed, feeling the softness of the sunlit carpet under his bare feet, and stepping into the bright tiled sanctuary where his beautiful porcelain bathtub offered its refreshing waters. But back then, he could still recall the nightmare of sharing a bath at his previous place: listening for other bathers, dodging women wrapped in towels with their hair in pins, the uncomfortable wait on the landing, the dreaded descent into a grimy tin tub, and trying to find his soap and nail brush among all the shared wash items. That memory had faded now, and Betton only saw the long hours that his blue and white bathing sanctuary created, serving as a sort of glittering antechamber. Because after his bath came breakfast, and on the breakfast tray, his letters. His letters!
He remembered—and that memory had not faded!—the thrill with which he had opened the first missive in a strange feminine hand: the letter beginning: “I wonder if you’ll mind an unknown reader’s telling you all that your book has been to her?”
He remembered—and that memory had not faded!—the excitement he felt when he opened the first letter in an unfamiliar feminine handwriting: the letter that began, “I wonder if you’ll mind an unknown reader sharing how much your book has meant to her?”
Mind? Ye gods, he minded now! For more than a year after the publication of “Diadems and Faggots” the letters, the inane indiscriminate letters of condemnation, of criticism, of interrogation, had poured in on him by every post. Hundreds of unknown readers had told him with unsparing detail all that his book had been to them. And the wonder of it was, when all was said and done, that it had really been so little—that when their thick broth of praise was strained through the author’s anxious vanity there remained to him so small a sediment of definite specific understanding! No—it was always the same thing, over and over and over again—the same vague gush of adjectives, the same incorrigible tendency to estimate his effort according to each writer’s personal preferences, instead of regarding it as a work of art, a thing to be measured by objective standards!
Mind? Oh my God, he actually cared now! For more than a year after the release of “Diadems and Faggots,” letters—those pointless, random letters of condemnation, criticism, and questioning—had flooded in on him with every mail delivery. Hundreds of unknown readers had shared, in excruciating detail, what his book had meant to them. And the surprising thing was that, when all was said and done, it had actually meant so little—that when their overwhelming flattery was filtered through the author’s anxious vanity, there remained so little concrete understanding for him! No—it was always the same thing, over and over again—the same vague outpouring of adjectives, the same stubborn tendency to evaluate his work based on each writer’s personal tastes, instead of seeing it as a piece of art, something to be judged by objective standards!
He smiled to think how little, at first, he had felt the vanity of it all. He had found a savour even in the grosser evidences of popularity: the advertisements of his book, the daily shower of “clippings,” the sense that, when he entered a restaurant or a theatre, people nudged each other and said “That’s Betton.” Yes, the publicity had been sweet to him—at first. He had been touched by the sympathy of his fellow-men: had thought indulgently of the world, as a better place than the failures and the dyspeptics would acknowledge. And then his success began to submerge him: he gasped under the thickening shower of letters. His admirers were really unappeasable. And they wanted him to do such preposterous things—to give lectures, to head movements, to be tendered receptions, to speak at banquets, to address mothers, to plead for orphans, to go up in balloons, to lead the struggle for sterilized milk. They wanted his photograph for literary supplements, his autograph for charity bazaars, his name on committees, literary, educational, and social; above all, they wanted his opinion on everything: on Christianity, Buddhism, tight lacing, the drug-habit, democratic government, female suffrage and love. Perhaps the chief benefit of this demand was his incidentally learning from it how few opinions he really had: the only one that remained with him was a rooted horror of all forms of correspondence. He had been unutterably thankful when the letters began to fall off.
He smiled to think about how little he had initially felt the vanity of it all. He even found some enjoyment in the more obvious signs of his popularity: the ads for his book, the constant stream of clippings, the feeling that when he walked into a restaurant or theater, people nudged each other and said, “That’s Betton.” Yes, the attention had been sweet—at first. He was moved by the support of his fellow humans and thought kindly of the world as a better place than the critics and the pessimists would admit. But then his success started to overwhelm him: he struggled under the ever-increasing flood of letters. His fans were truly insatiable. They wanted him to do all sorts of ridiculous things—to give lectures, lead movements, attend receptions, speak at banquets, address mothers, advocate for orphans, go up in balloons, and lead the charge for sterilized milk. They wanted his photo for literary supplements, his autograph for charity events, his name on various committees—literary, educational, and social; most of all, they wanted his opinion on everything: on Christianity, Buddhism, tight lacing, drug habits, democracy, women’s suffrage, and love. Perhaps the main benefit of this demand was that he learned, somewhat incidentally, how few opinions he really had: the only one that stuck with him was a deep-rooted aversion to all forms of correspondence. He felt incredibly grateful when the letters began to slow down.
“Diadems and Faggots” was now two years old, and the moment was at hand when its author might have counted on regaining the blessed shelter of oblivion—if only he had not written another book! For it was the worst part of his plight that his first success had goaded him to the perpetration of this particular folly—that one of the incentives (hideous thought!) to his new work had been the desire to extend and perpetuate his popularity. And this very week the book was to come out, and the letters, the cursed letters, would begin again!
“Diadems and Faggots” was now two years old, and the moment had come when its author could have expected to return to the sweet comfort of anonymity—if only he hadn’t written another book! The worst part of his situation was that his initial success had pushed him into this particular mistake—that one of the motives (a horrifying thought!) for his new work had been the wish to grow and maintain his popularity. And this very week the book was set to be released, and the letters, those damn letters, would start again!
Wistfully, almost plaintively, he contemplated the breakfast-tray with which Strett presently appeared. It bore only two notes and the morning journals, but he knew that within the week it would groan under its epistolary burden. The very newspapers flung the fact at him as he opened them.
Wistfully, almost sadly, he looked at the breakfast tray that Strett just brought in. It only held two notes and the morning newspapers, but he knew that by the end of the week it would be weighed down with letters. The newspapers seemed to throw that fact at him as he opened them.
READY ON MONDAY.
GEOFFREY BETTON’S NEW NOVEL
ABUNDANCE.
BY THE AUTHOR OF “DIADEMS AND FAGGOTS.”
FIRST EDITION OF ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND ALREADY SOLD OUT.
ORDER NOW.
A hundred and fifty thousand volumes! And an average of three readers to each! Half a million of people would be reading him within a week, and every one of them would write to him, and their friends and relations would write too. He laid down the paper with a shudder.
A hundred and fifty thousand books! And an average of three readers for each! Half a million people would be reading him within a week, and each of them would write to him, along with their friends and family. He put down the paper with a shudder.
The two notes looked harmless enough, and the calligraphy of one was vaguely familiar. He opened the envelope and looked at the signature: Duncan Vyse. He had not seen the name in years—what on earth could Duncan Vyse have to say? He ran over the page and dropped it with a wondering exclamation, which the watchful Strett, re-entering, met by a tentative “Yes, sir?”
The two notes seemed harmless enough, and the handwriting on one was somewhat familiar. He opened the envelope and checked the signature: Duncan Vyse. He hadn’t seen that name in years—what could Duncan Vyse possibly want to say? He quickly read the page and dropped it with a surprised exclamation, which the alert Strett, walking back in, responded to with a cautious “Yes, sir?”
“Nothing. Yes—that is—” Betton picked up the note. “There’s a gentleman, a Mr. Vyse, coming to see me at ten.”
“Nothing. Yes—that is—” Betton picked up the note. “There’s a guy, Mr. Vyse, coming to see me at ten.”
Strett glanced at the clock. “Yes, sir. You’ll remember that ten was the hour you appointed for the secretaries to call, sir.”
Strett looked at the clock. “Yes, sir. You’ll recall that ten was the time you scheduled for the secretaries to call, sir.”
Betton nodded. “I’ll see Mr. Vyse first. My clothes, please.”
Betton nodded. “I’ll talk to Mr. Vyse first. Can I have my clothes, please?”
As he got into them, in the state of irritable hurry that had become almost chronic with him, he continued to think about Duncan Vyse. They had seen a lot of each other for the few years after both had left Harvard: the hard happy years when Betton had been grinding at his business and Vyse—poor devil!—trying to write. The novelist recalled his friend’s attempts with a smile; then the memory of one small volume came back to him. It was a novel: “The Lifted Lamp.” There was stuff in that, certainly. He remembered Vyse’s tossing it down on his table with a gesture of despair when it came back from the last publisher. Betton, taking it up indifferently, had sat riveted till daylight. When he ended, the impression was so strong that he said to himself: “I’ll tell Apthorn about it—I’ll go and see him to-morrow.” His own secret literary yearnings gave him a passionate desire to champion Vyse, to see him triumph over the ignorance and timidity of the publishers. Apthorn was the youngest of the guild, still capable of opinions and the courage of them, a personal friend of Betton’s, and, as it happened, the man afterward to become known as the privileged publisher of “Diadems and Faggots.” Unluckily the next day something unexpected turned up, and Betton forgot about Vyse and his manuscript. He continued to forget for a month, and then came a note from Vyse, who was ill, and wrote to ask what his friend had done. Betton did not like to say “I’ve done nothing,” so he left the note unanswered, and vowed again: “I’ll see Apthorn.”
As he got into the car, in the irritable hurry that had almost become a habit for him, he kept thinking about Duncan Vyse. They had spent a lot of time together in the few years after both of them left Harvard: the tough yet happy years when Betton was focused on his business and Vyse—poor guy!—was trying to write. The novelist reminisced about his friend's attempts with a smile; then a memory of a small book came back to him. It was a novel: “The Lifted Lamp.” There was definitely something there. He remembered Vyse slamming it down on his table in frustration when it returned from the last publisher. Betton had picked it up casually but ended up engrossed until dawn. When he finished, the impression was so strong that he told himself: “I’ll tell Apthorn about it—I’ll go see him tomorrow.” His own hidden literary aspirations ignited a strong desire to support Vyse, to help him succeed against the ignorance and fear of the publishers. Apthorn was the youngest in the field, still capable of having opinions and standing by them, a personal friend of Betton’s, and, as it turned out, the future publisher of “Diadems and Faggots.” Unfortunately, the next day something unexpected came up, and Betton forgot about Vyse and his manuscript. He kept forgetting for a month, until he got a note from Vyse, who was ill, asking what his friend had done. Betton didn’t want to say “I’ve done nothing,” so he left the note unanswered and promised himself again: “I’ll see Apthorn.”
The following day he was called to the West on business, and was gone a month. When he came back, there was another note from Vyse, who was still ill, and desperately hard up. “I’ll take anything for the book, if they’ll advance me two hundred dollars.” Betton, full of compunction, would gladly have advanced the sum himself; but he was hard up too, and could only swear inwardly: “I’ll write to Apthorn.” Then he glanced again at the manuscript, and reflected: “No—there are things in it that need explaining. I’d better see him.”
The next day, he was called out West for work and was gone for a month. When he returned, there was another note from Vyse, who was still unwell and really struggling financially. “I’ll accept anything for the book if they’ll give me an advance of two hundred dollars.” Betton, feeling guilty, would have happily advanced the money himself, but he was tight on cash too, and could only think to himself: “I’ll write to Apthorn.” Then he looked at the manuscript again and thought: “No—there are parts that need clarification. I’d better see him.”
Once he went so far as to telephone Apthorn, but the publisher was out. Then he finally and completely forgot.
Once he even went as far as to call Apthorn, but the publisher wasn't available. Then he finally and completely forgot.
One Sunday he went out of town, and on his return, rummaging among the papers on his desk, he missed “The Lifted Lamp,” which had been gathering dust there for half a year. What the deuce could have become of it? Betton spent a feverish hour in vainly increasing the disorder of his documents, and then bethought himself of calling the maid-servant, who first indignantly denied having touched anything (“I can see that’s true from the dust,” Betton scathingly interjected), and then mentioned with hauteur that a young lady had called in his absence and asked to be allowed to get a book.
One Sunday, he left town, and when he got back, he was going through the papers on his desk and noticed that “The Lifted Lamp,” which had been gathering dust for six months, was missing. What on earth could have happened to it? Betton spent an anxious hour making his mess worse, and then decided to call the maid. She first indignantly denied touching anything (“I can tell that's true from the dust,” Betton sharply replied), and then, with a bit of attitude, mentioned that a young lady had come by while he was gone and asked to borrow a book.
“A lady? Did you let her come up?”
“A woman? Did you let her come up?”
“She said somebody’d sent her.”
"She said someone had sent her."
Vyse, of course—Vyse had sent her for his manuscript! He was always mixed up with some woman, and it was just like him to send the girl of the moment to Betton’s lodgings, with instructions to force the door in his absence. Vyse had never been remarkable for delicacy. Betton, furious, glanced over his table to see if any of his own effects were missing—one couldn’t tell, with the company Vyse kept!—and then dismissed the matter from his mind, with a vague sense of magnanimity in doing so. He felt himself exonerated by Vyse’s conduct.
Vyse, of course—Vyse had sent her for his manuscript! He was always involved with some woman, and it was just like him to send the girl he was dating to Betton’s place, instructing her to force the door while he was away. Vyse had never been known for his sensitivity. Betton, fuming, looked over his table to see if any of his things were missing—who could tell, with the kind of crowd Vyse hung out with!—and then pushed the thought aside, feeling somewhat generous for doing so. He felt justified by Vyse’s behavior.
The sense of magnanimity was still uppermost when the valet opened the door to announce “Mr. Vyse,” and Betton, a moment later, crossed the threshold of his pleasant library.
The feeling of generosity was still strongest when the valet opened the door to announce “Mr. Vyse,” and Betton, a moment later, stepped into his lovely library.
His first thought was that the man facing him from the hearth-rug was the very Duncan Vyse of old: small, starved, bleached-looking, with the same sidelong movements, the same queer air of anaemic truculence. Only he had grown shabbier, and bald.
His first thought was that the man standing in front of him on the hearth rug was the same Duncan Vyse from back in the day: small, gaunt, washed-out, with the same sideways movements and the same strange vibe of anemic aggression. The only difference was that he looked shabbier and was bald now.
Betton held out a hospitable hand.
Betton offered a warm welcome.
“This is a good surprise! Glad you looked me up, my dear fellow.”
“This is a pleasant surprise! I’m glad you reached out to me, my friend.”
Vyse’s palm was damp and bony: he had always had a disagreeable hand.
Vyse's hand was sweaty and bony: he had always had an unpleasant hand.
“You got my note? You know what I’ve come for?” he said.
“You got my note? Do you know why I’m here?” he said.
“About the secretaryship? (Sit down.) Is that really serious?”
“About the secretary position? (Take a seat.) Is that for real?”
Betton lowered himself luxuriously into one of his vast Maple arm-chairs. He had grown stouter in the last year, and the cushion behind him fitted comfortably into the crease of his nape. As he leaned back he caught sight of his image in the mirror between the windows, and reflected uneasily that Vyse would not find him unchanged.
Betton sank comfortably into one of his large Maple armchairs. He had put on some weight over the past year, and the cushion behind him settled snugly into the curve of his neck. As he leaned back, he glanced at his reflection in the mirror between the windows and uneasily thought that Vyse would not see the same him as before.
“Serious?” Vyse rejoined. “Why not? Aren’t you?”
“Serious?” Vyse replied. “Why not? Aren’t you?”
“Oh, perfectly.” Betton laughed apologetically. “Only—well, the fact is, you may not understand what rubbish a secretary of mine would have to deal with. In advertising for one I never imagined—I didn’t aspire to any one above the ordinary hack.”
“Oh, absolutely.” Betton laughed sheepishly. “It's just that—well, the truth is, you might not realize the nonsense a secretary of mine would have to handle. When I was looking to hire one, I never imagined—I didn’t aim for anyone above the typical worker.”
“I’m the ordinary hack,” said Vyse drily.
“I’m just an average guy,” said Vyse dryly.
Betton’s affable gesture protested. “My dear fellow—. You see it’s not business—what I’m in now,” he continued with a laugh.
Betton's friendly gesture objected. “My dear friend—. You see, this isn’t about business—what I’m involved in right now,” he continued with a laugh.
Vyse’s thin lips seemed to form a noiseless “ Isn’t it?” which they instantly transposed into the audibly reply: “I inferred from your advertisement that you want some one to relieve you in your literary work. Dictation, short-hand—that kind of thing?”
Vyse’s thin lips appeared to silently say “ Isn’t it?” which they quickly changed into the audible response: “I gathered from your ad that you’re looking for someone to help you with your writing. Dictation, shorthand—that kind of stuff?”
“Well, no: not that either. I type my own things. What I’m looking for is somebody who won’t be above tackling my correspondence.”
“Well, no: not that either. I write my own stuff. What I'm looking for is someone who won't mind handling my correspondence.”
Vyse looked slightly surprised. “I should be glad of the job,” he then said.
Vyse looked a bit surprised. “I should be happy to have the job,” he then said.
Betton began to feel a vague embarrassment. He had supposed that such a proposal would be instantly rejected. “It would be only for an hour or two a day—if you’re doing any writing of your own?” he threw out interrogatively.
Betton started to feel a bit embarrassed. He thought that this kind of proposal would be immediately turned down. “It would only be for an hour or two a day—if you’re writing anything of your own?” he asked, more like a question.
“No. I’ve given all that up. I’m in an office now—business. But it doesn’t take all my time, or pay enough to keep me alive.”
“No. I’ve moved on from all that. I work in an office now—business. But it doesn’t take up all my time, and it doesn’t pay enough to support me.”
“In that case, my dear fellow—if you could come every morning; but it’s mostly awful bosh, you know,” Betton again broke off, with growing awkwardness.
“In that case, my dear friend—if you could come every morning; but it’s mostly nonsense, you know,” Betton again stopped, feeling increasingly awkward.
Vyse glanced at him humorously. “What you want me to write?”
Vyse looked at him with a playful grin. “What do you want me to write?”
“Well, that depends—” Betton sketched the obligatory smile. “But I was thinking of the letters you’ll have to answer. Letters about my books, you know—I’ve another one appearing next week. And I want to be beforehand now—dam the flood before it swamps me. Have you any idea of the deluge of stuff that people write to a successful novelist?”
“Well, that depends—” Betton forced a smile. “But I was thinking about the letters you’ll need to respond to. Letters about my books, you know—I’ve got another one coming out next week. And I want to get ahead of it now—stop the flood before it overwhelms me. Do you have any idea how many messages people send to a successful novelist?”
As Betton spoke, he saw a tinge of red on Vyse’s thin cheek, and his own reflected it in a richer glow of shame. “I mean—I mean—” he stammered helplessly.
As Betton spoke, he noticed a hint of red on Vyse’s thin cheek, and his own face mirrored it with a deeper flush of shame. “I mean—I mean—” he stammered, feeling lost.
“No, I haven’t,” said Vyse; “but it will be awfully jolly finding out.”
“No, I haven’t,” said Vyse; “but it will be really fun to find out.”
There was a pause, groping and desperate on Betton’s part, sardonically calm on his visitor’s.
There was a pause, awkward and frantic on Betton’s part, ironically calm on his visitor’s.
“You—you’ve given up writing altogether?” Betton continued.
“You—you’ve completely stopped writing?” Betton continued.
“Yes; we’ve changed places, as it were.” Vyse paused. “But about these letters—you dictate the answers?”
“Yes; we’ve switched roles, so to speak.” Vyse paused. “But regarding these letters—you’ll dictate the responses?”
“Lord, no! That’s the reason why I said I wanted somebody—er—well used to writing. I don’t want to have anything to do with them—not a thing! You’ll have to answer them as if they were written to you—” Betton pulled himself up again, and rising in confusion jerked open one of the drawers of his writing-table.
“God, no! That’s why I said I wanted someone—um—experienced in writing. I don’t want anything to do with them—not at all! You’ll have to respond to them as if they were addressed to you—” Betton straightened himself up again, and in his embarrassment, he yanked open one of the drawers of his writing desk.
“Here—this kind of rubbish,” he said, tossing a packet of letters onto Vyse’s knee.
“Here—this kind of junk,” he said, throwing a packet of letters onto Vyse’s knee.
“Oh—you keep them, do you?” said Vyse simply.
“Oh—you’re keeping them, are you?” said Vyse casually.
“I—well—some of them; a few of the funniest only.”
“I—well—some of them; just a few of the funniest.”
Vyse slipped off the band and began to open the letters. While he was glancing over them Betton again caught his own reflection in the glass, and asked himself what impression he had made on his visitor. It occurred to him for the first time that his high-coloured well-fed person presented the image of commercial rather than of intellectual achievement. He did not look like his own idea of the author of “Diadems and Faggots”—and he wondered why.
Vyse took off the band and started to open the letters. While he was quickly looking through them, Betton caught sight of his reflection in the glass again and wondered what impression he had left on his visitor. For the first time, it struck him that his well-fed, colorful appearance represented commercial success more than intellectual accomplishment. He didn’t look like what he imagined the author of “Diadems and Faggots” should look like—and he questioned why that was.
Vyse laid the letters aside. “I think I can do it—if you’ll give me a notion of the tone I’m to take.”
Vyse set the letters down. “I think I can manage it—if you’ll give me an idea of the tone I should use.”
“The tone?”
"What's the tone?"
“Yes—that is, if I’m to sign your name.”
“Yes—that is, if I’m going to sign your name.”
“Oh, of course: I expect you to sign for me. As for the tone, say just what you’d—well, say all you can without encouraging them to answer.”
“Oh, of course: I want you to sign for me. As for the tone, just say what you’d—well, say everything you can without getting them to reply.”
Vyse rose from his seat. “I could submit a few specimens,” he suggested.
Vyse got up from his seat. “I could send in a few samples,” he suggested.
“Oh, as to that—you always wrote better than I do,” said Betton handsomely.
“Oh, about that—you always wrote better than I do,” said Betton graciously.
“I’ve never had this kind of thing to write. When do you wish me to begin?” Vyse enquired, ignoring the tribute.
“I’ve never had to write anything like this before. When do you want me to start?” Vyse asked, overlooking the compliment.
“The book’s out on Monday. The deluge will begin about three days after. Will you turn up on Thursday at this hour?” Betton held his hand out with real heartiness. “It was great luck for me, your striking that advertisement. Don’t be too harsh with my correspondents—I owe them something for having brought us together.”
“The book comes out on Monday. The flood of attention will start about three days later. Will you show up on Thursday at this time?” Betton extended his hand with genuine warmth. “It was really lucky for me that you noticed that ad. Please don’t be too hard on my correspondents—I owe them for bringing us together.”
II
THE deluge began punctually on the Thursday, and Vyse, arriving as punctually, had an impressive pile of letters to attack. Betton, on his way to the Park for a ride, came into the library, smoking the cigarette of indolence, to look over his secretary’s shoulder.
THE downpour started right on Thursday, and Vyse, arriving just as on time, had a considerable stack of letters to tackle. Betton, on his way to the Park for a ride, strolled into the library, casually smoking a cigarette, to glance over his secretary’s shoulder.
“How many of ‘em? Twenty? Good Lord! It’s going to be worse than ‘Diadems.’ I’ve just had my first quiet breakfast in two years—time to read the papers and loaf. How I used to dread the sight of my letter-box! Now I sha’n’t know I have one.”
“How many of them? Twenty? Good grief! It’s going to be worse than ‘Diadems.’ I just had my first peaceful breakfast in two years—finally time to read the news and relax. I used to dread checking my mailbox! Now I won’t even realize I have one.”
He leaned over Vyse’s chair, and the secretary handed him a letter.
He leaned over Vyse's chair, and the secretary passed him a letter.
“Here’s rather an exceptional one—lady, evidently. I thought you might want to answer it yourself—”
“Here’s quite a special one—definitely a lady. I thought you might want to respond to it yourself—”
“Exceptional?” Betton ran over the mauve pages and tossed them down. “Why, my dear man, I get hundreds like that. You’ll have to be pretty short with her, or she’ll send her photograph.”
“Exceptional?” Betton glanced over the mauve pages and tossed them aside. “Well, my friend, I receive hundreds like that. You’ll need to be quite firm with her, or she’ll send her photo.”
He clapped Vyse on the shoulder and turned away, humming a tune. “Stay to luncheon,” he called back gaily from the threshold.
He patted Vyse on the shoulder and turned away, humming a tune. “Stay for lunch,” he called back cheerfully from the doorway.
After luncheon Vyse insisted on showing a few of his answers to the first batch of letters. “If I’ve struck the note I won’t bother you again,” he urged; and Betton groaningly consented.
After lunch, Vyse insisted on showing some of his responses to the first set of letters. “If I’ve hit the right tone, I won’t bother you again,” he urged, and Betton reluctantly agreed.
“My dear fellow, they’re beautiful—too beautiful. I’ll be let in for a correspondence with every one of these people.”
“My dear friend, they’re gorgeous—way too gorgeous. I’m going to end up in correspondence with every one of these people.”
Vyse, at this, meditated for a while above a blank sheet. “All right—how’s this?” he said, after another interval of rapid writing.
Vyse paused for a moment, staring at a blank sheet. “Okay—how's this?” he said after another quick burst of writing.
Betton glanced over the page. “By George—by George! Won’t she see it?” he exulted, between fear and rapture.
Betton looked at the page. “Wow—wow! Isn’t she going to see it?” he exclaimed, caught between fear and excitement.
“It’s wonderful how little people see,” said Vyse reassuringly.
“It’s amazing how little people notice,” said Vyse reassuringly.
The letters continued to pour in for several weeks after the appearance of “Abundance.” For five or six blissful days Betton did not even have his mail brought to him, trusting to Vyse to single out his personal correspondence, and to deal with the rest according to their agreement. During those days he luxuriated in a sense of wild and lawless freedom; then, gradually, he began to feel the need of fresh restraints to break, and learned that the zest of liberty lies in the escape from specific obligations. At first he was conscious only of a vague hunger, but in time the craving resolved into a shame-faced desire to see his letters.
The letters kept coming in for several weeks after “Abundance” was released. For five or six wonderful days, Betton didn't even have his mail delivered to him, trusting Vyse to sort out his personal letters and handle the rest as they had arranged. During those days, he reveled in a sense of wild and unrestrained freedom; then, gradually, he started to feel the need for new limits to challenge, and realized that the thrill of freedom comes from escaping specific responsibilities. At first, he only felt a vague hunger, but over time, that craving turned into an embarrassed desire to check his letters.
“After all, I hated them only because I had to answer them”; and he told Vyse carelessly that he wished all his letters submitted to him before the secretary answered them.
“After all, I only hated them because I had to respond to them,” he told Vyse casually, saying that he wanted to see all his letters before the secretary replied to them.
At first he pushed aside those beginning: “I have just laid down ‘Abundance’ after a third reading,” or: “Every day for the last month I have been telephoning my bookseller to know when your novel would be out.” But little by little the freshness of his interest revived, and even this stereotyped homage began to arrest his eye. At last a day came when he read all the letters, from the first word to the last, as he had done when “Diadems and Faggots” appeared. It was really a pleasure to read them, now that he was relieved of the burden of replying: his new relation to his correspondents had the glow of a love-affair unchilled by the contingency of marriage.
At first, he brushed off those beginnings: “I just finished ‘Abundance’ for the third time,” or, “Every day for the past month, I’ve been calling my bookseller to see when your novel will be released.” But gradually, his initial interest was reignited, and even this repetitive praise started to catch his attention. Eventually, there came a day when he read all the letters, from start to finish, just like he had when “Diadems and Faggots” came out. It was genuinely enjoyable to read them now that he didn’t have to worry about replying; his new relationship with his correspondents felt like a romance untainted by the prospect of marriage.
One day it struck him that the letters were coming in more slowly and in smaller numbers. Certainly there had been more of a rush when “Diadems and Faggots” came out. Betton began to wonder if Vyse were exercising an unauthorized discrimination, and keeping back the communications he deemed least important. This sudden conjecture carried the novelist straight to his library, where he found Vyse bending over the writing-table with his usual inscrutable pale smile. But once there, Betton hardly knew how to frame his question, and blundered into an enquiry for a missing invitation.
One day, it hit him that the letters were coming in more slowly and in smaller amounts. There had definitely been a bigger influx when “Diadems and Faggots” was released. Betton started to wonder if Vyse was playing favorites, holding back the messages he thought were less important. This sudden thought drove the novelist straight to his library, where he found Vyse leaning over the writing table with his usual unreadable pale smile. But once he got there, Betton could hardly figure out how to ask his question and awkwardly ended up asking about a missing invitation.
“There’s a note—a personal note—I ought to have had this morning. Sure you haven’t kept it back by mistake among the others?”
“There’s a note—a personal note—I should have received this morning. Are you sure you didn’t accidentally keep it with the others?”
Vyse laid down his pen. “The others? But I never keep back any.”
Vyse put down his pen. “The others? I never hold anything back.”
Betton had foreseen the answer. “Not even the worst twaddle about my book?” he suggested lightly, pushing the papers about.
Betton had anticipated the response. “Not even the most ridiculous nonsense about my book?” he joked, shuffling the papers around.
“Nothing. I understood you wanted to go over them all first.”
“Nothing. I got that you wanted to go through all of them first.”
“Well, perhaps it’s safer,” Betton conceded, as if the idea were new to him. With an embarrassed hand he continued to turn over the letters at Vyse’s elbow.
“Well, maybe it’s safer,” Betton admitted, as if it were a new idea to him. With an awkward hand, he kept flipping through the letters at Vyse’s elbow.
“Those are yesterday’s,” said the secretary; “here are to-day’s,” he added, pointing to a meagre trio.
“Those are from yesterday,” said the secretary; “here are today’s,” he added, pointing to a small trio.
“H’m—only these?” Betton took them and looked them over lingeringly. “I don’t see what the deuce that chap means about the first part of ‘Abundance’ ‘certainly justifying the title’—do you?”
“H’m—only these?” Betton took them and examined them closely. “I don’t understand what that guy means about the first part of ‘Abundance’ ‘definitely justifying the title’—do you?”
Vyse was silent, and the novelist continued irritably: “Damned cheek, his writing, if he doesn’t like the book. Who cares what he thinks about it, anyhow?”
Vyse was quiet, and the novelist went on irritably: “What a nerve he has, criticizing the book if he doesn’t like it. Who cares what he thinks, anyway?”
And his morning ride was embittered by the discovery that it was unexpectedly disagreeable to have Vyse read any letters which did not express unqualified praise of his books. He began to fancy there was a latent rancour, a kind of baffled sneer, under Vyse’s manner; and he decided to return to the practice of having his mail brought straight to his room. In that way he could edit the letters before his secretary saw them.
And his morning ride was spoiled by the realization that it was surprisingly unpleasant to have Vyse read any letters that didn’t express complete praise for his books. He started to think there was some hidden resentment, a kind of frustrated sneer, in Vyse’s attitude; and he decided to go back to having his mail delivered directly to his room. That way, he could sift through the letters before his secretary saw them.
Vyse made no comment on the change, and Betton was reduced to wondering whether his imperturbable composure were the mask of complete indifference or of a watchful jealousy. The latter view being more agreeable to his employer’s self-esteem, the next step was to conclude that Vyse had not forgotten the episode of “The Lifted Lamp,” and would naturally take a vindictive joy in any unfavourable judgments passed on his rival’s work. This did not simplify the situation, for there was no denying that unfavourable criticisms preponderated in Betton’s correspondence. “Abundance” was neither meeting with the unrestricted welcome of “Diadems and Faggots,” nor enjoying the alternative of an animated controversy: it was simply found dull, and its readers said so in language not too tactfully tempered by regretful comparisons with its predecessor. To withhold unfavourable comments from Vyse was, therefore, to make it appear that correspondence about the book had died out; and its author, mindful of his unguarded predictions, found this even more embarrassing. The simplest solution would be to get rid of Vyse; and to this end Betton began to address his energies.
Vyse didn’t say anything about the change, and Betton was left to wonder whether his calm demeanor was just a front for total indifference or a sign of watchful jealousy. Since the latter option was more flattering to his boss's ego, Betton decided that Vyse hadn’t forgotten the incident with “The Lifted Lamp” and would likely take a twisted pleasure in any negative feedback about his competitor’s work. This didn’t make things easier, as it was clear that negative reviews dominated Betton’s mail. “Abundance” was not receiving the warm welcome that “Diadems and Faggots” had, nor was it stirring up a lively debate: it was simply deemed boring, and readers weren’t shy about expressing this, often comparing it unfavorably to the previous book. Not sharing the negative comments with Vyse made it seem like conversations about the book had come to a halt; and its author, remembering his unguarded expectations, found this even more awkward. The easiest solution would be to get rid of Vyse, so Betton decided to focus his efforts on that goal.
One evening, finding himself unexpectedly disengaged, he asked Vyse to dine; it had occurred to him that, in the course of an after-dinner chat, he might delicately hint his feeling that the work he had offered his friend was unworthy so accomplished a hand.
One evening, feeling unexpectedly free, he asked Vyse to dinner; it crossed his mind that during their after-dinner conversation, he could subtly suggest that the work he had offered his friend wasn’t really suited for such a skilled person.
Vyse surprised him by a momentary hesitation. “I may not have time to dress.”
Vyse momentarily hesitated, surprising him. “I might not have time to get ready.”
Betton stared. “What’s the odds? We’ll dine here—and as late as you like.”
Betton stared. “What are the odds? We’ll eat here—and as late as you want.”
Vyse thanked him, and appeared, punctually at eight, in all the shabbiness of his daily wear. He looked paler and more shyly truculent than usual, and Betton, from the height of his florid stature, said to himself, with the sudden professional instinct for “type”: “He might be an agent of something—a chap who carries deadly secrets.”
Vyse thanked him, and showed up on the dot at eight, wearing his usual shabby clothes. He looked paler and more awkwardly aggressive than normal, and Betton, towering over him, thought to himself, with a sudden professional instinct for “type”: “He could be some kind of agent—a guy who carries dangerous secrets.”
Vyse, it was to appear, did carry a deadly secret; but one less perilous to society than to himself. He was simply poor—inexcusably, irremediably poor. Everything failed him, had always failed him: whatever he put his hand to went to bits.
Vyse seemed to have a dangerous secret, but it was more of a threat to himself than to society. He was just poor—unjustifiably, hopelessly poor. Everything he tried to do fell apart; nothing ever worked out for him.
This was the confession that, reluctantly, yet with a kind of white-lipped bravado, he flung at Betton in answer to the latter’s tentative suggestion that, really, the letter-answering job wasn’t worth bothering him with—a thing that any type-writer could do.
This was the confession that, reluctantly, yet with a kind of tense bravado, he threw at Betton in response to Betton's hesitant suggestion that the letter-answering task wasn't worth bothering him with—a task that any typewriter could handle.
“If you mean you’re paying me more than it’s worth, I’ll take less,” Vyse rushed out after a pause.
“If you mean you’re paying me more than it’s worth, I’ll take less,” Vyse said quickly after a pause.
“Oh, my dear fellow—” Betton protested, flushing.
“Oh, my dear friend—” Betton protested, blushing.
“What do you mean, then? Don’t I answer the letters as you want them answered?”
“What do you mean, then? Am I not responding to the letters the way you want them answered?”
Betton anxiously stroked his silken ankle. “You do it beautifully, too beautifully. I mean what I say: the work’s not worthy of you. I’m ashamed to ask you—”
Betton nervously ran his hand over his smooth ankle. “You do it beautifully, way too beautifully. I mean what I say: this work doesn’t deserve you. I’m embarrassed to ask you—”
“Oh, hang shame,” Vyse interrupted. “Do you know why I said I shouldn’t have time to dress to-night? Because I haven’t any evening clothes. As a matter of fact, I haven’t much but the clothes I stand in. One thing after another’s gone against me; all the infernal ingenuities of chance. It’s been a slow Chinese torture, the kind where they keep you alive to have more fun killing you.” He straightened himself with a sudden blush. “Oh, I’m all right now—getting on capitally. But I’m still walking rather a narrow plank; and if I do your work well enough—if I take your idea—”
“Oh, hang it all,” Vyse interrupted. “Do you know why I said I shouldn’t have time to get dressed tonight? Because I don’t have any dress clothes. Actually, I don’t have much more than what I’m wearing. One thing after another has gone wrong for me; all the damn tricks of fate. It’s been like a slow Chinese torture, the kind where they keep you alive just to enjoy your suffering more.” He straightened up, suddenly embarrassed. “Oh, I’m fine now—doing really well. But I’m still walking a tightrope; and if I do your work well enough—if I follow your idea—”
Betton stared into the fire without answering. He knew next to nothing of Vyse’s history, of the mischance or mis-management that had brought him, with his brains and his training, to so unlikely a pass. But a pang of compunction shot through him as he remembered the manuscript of “The Lifted Lamp” gathering dust on his table for half a year.
Betton stared into the fire without saying a word. He knew very little about Vyse’s background, or the bad luck or poor choices that had led him, with all his intelligence and training, to such an unexpected situation. But a wave of guilt hit him as he remembered the manuscript of “The Lifted Lamp” collecting dust on his table for six months.
“Not that it would have made any earthly difference—since he’s evidently never been able to get the thing published.” But this reflection did not wholly console Betton, and he found it impossible, at the moment, to tell Vyse that his services were not needed.
“Not that it would have made any difference—since he’s obviously never been able to get it published.” But this thought didn’t fully comfort Betton, and he found it impossible, at that moment, to tell Vyse that his help wasn’t needed.
III
DURING the ensuing weeks the letters grew fewer and fewer, and Betton foresaw the approach of the fatal day when his secretary, in common decency, would have to say: “I can’t draw my pay for doing nothing.”
DURING the following weeks, the letters kept coming less and less, and Betton knew that the inevitable day was coming when his secretary would understandably have to say: “I can’t collect my pay for doing nothing.”
What a triumph for Vyse!
What a win for Vyse!
The thought was intolerable, and Betton cursed his weakness in not having dismissed the fellow before such a possibility arose.
The thought was unbearable, and Betton cursed himself for not having gotten rid of the guy before it even became a possibility.
“If I tell him I’ve no use for him now, he’ll see straight through it, of course;—and then, hang it, he looks so poor!”
“If I tell him I don’t need him anymore, he’ll totally see right through it, of course;—and then, damn it, he looks so pathetic!”
This consideration came after the other, but Betton, in rearranging them, put it first, because he thought it looked better there, and also because he immediately perceived its value in justifying a plan of action that was beginning to take shape in his mind.
This thought came after the others, but Betton, when rearranging them, placed it first because he thought it looked better there. He also realized its importance in justifying a plan of action that was starting to form in his mind.
“Poor devil, I’m damned if I don’t do it for him!” said Betton, sitting down at his desk.
“Poor guy, I swear I’m going to do it for him!” said Betton, sitting down at his desk.
Three or four days later he sent word to Vyse that he didn’t care to go over the letters any longer, and that they would once more be carried directly to the library.
Three or four days later, he informed Vyse that he was no longer interested in going over the letters and that they would again be taken straight to the library.
The next time he lounged in, on his way to his morning ride, he found his secretary’s pen in active motion.
The next time he leaned in, on his way to his morning ride, he found his secretary's pen moving quickly across the page.
“A lot to-day,” Vyse told him cheerfully.
“A lot today,” Vyse told him cheerfully.
His tone irritated Betton: it had the inane optimism of the physician reassuring a discouraged patient.
His tone annoyed Betton: it had the pointless optimism of a doctor trying to comfort a discouraged patient.
“Oh, Lord—I thought it was almost over,” groaned the novelist.
“Oh, man—I thought it was almost over,” groaned the novelist.
“No: they’ve just got their second wind. Here’s one from a Chicago publisher—never heard the name—offering you thirty per cent. on your next novel, with an advance royalty of twenty thousand. And here’s a chap who wants to syndicate it for a bunch of Sunday papers: big offer, too. That’s from Ann Arbor. And this—oh, this one’s funny!”
“No, they’ve just found their second wind. Here’s one from a Chicago publisher—never heard of them—offering you thirty percent on your next novel, with an advance royalty of twenty thousand. And here’s a guy who wants to syndicate it for a bunch of Sunday papers: big offer, too. That’s from Ann Arbor. And this—oh, this one’s hilarious!”
He held up a small scented sheet to Betton, who made no movement to receive it.
He held out a small scented sheet to Betton, who didn’t make any move to take it.
“Funny? Why’s it funny?” he growled.
“Funny? Why is it funny?” he growled.
“Well, it’s from a girl—a lady—and she thinks she’s the only person who understands ‘Abundance’—has the clue to it. Says she’s never seen a book so misrepresented by the critics—”
"Well, it's from a girl—a woman—and she believes she's the only one who gets 'Abundance'—that she has the key to it. She says she's never seen a book so misrepresented by the critics—"
“Ha, ha! That is good!” Betton agreed with too loud a laugh.
“Ha, ha! That is good!” Betton said, laughing a bit too loudly.
“This one’s from a lady, too—married woman. Says she’s misunderstood, and would like to correspond.”
“This one’s from a woman, too—a married woman. She says she feels misunderstood and wants to write back.”
“Oh, Lord,” said Betton.—“What are you looking at?” he added sharply, as Vyse continued to bend his blinking gaze on the letters.
“Oh, Lord,” said Betton. “What are you looking at?” he added sharply, as Vyse kept his blinking gaze fixed on the letters.
“I was only thinking I’d never seen such short letters from women. Neither one fills the first page.”
“I was just thinking I’ve never seen such short letters from women. Neither one even fills the first page.”
“Well, what of that?” queried Betton.
"Well, what about that?" asked Betton.
Vyse reflected. “I’d like to meet a woman like that,” he said wearily; and Betton laughed again.
Vyse thought for a moment. “I’d really like to meet a woman like that,” he said tiredly; and Betton laughed again.
The letters continued to pour in, and there could be no farther question of dispensing with Vyse’s services. But one morning, about three weeks later, the latter asked for a word with his employer, and Betton, on entering the library, found his secretary with half a dozen documents spread out before him.
The letters kept coming in, and there was no doubt about needing Vyse’s help anymore. But one morning, about three weeks later, he asked to speak with his boss, and when Betton walked into the library, he found his secretary with a handful of documents laid out in front of him.
“What’s up?” queried Betton, with a touch of impatience.
“What’s up?” asked Betton, sounding a bit impatient.
Vyse was attentively scanning the outspread letters.
Vyse was carefully looking over the spread-out letters.
“I don’t know: can’t make out.” His voice had a faint note of embarrassment. “Do you remember a note signed Hester Macklin that came three or four weeks ago? Married—misunderstood—Western army post—wanted to correspond?”
“I don’t know: I can’t figure it out.” His voice had a slight hint of embarrassment. “Do you remember a note signed Hester Macklin that came three or four weeks ago? Married—misunderstood—Western army post—wanted to keep in touch?”
Betton seemed to grope among his memories; then he assented vaguely.
Betton appeared to search through his memories; then he agreed somewhat vaguely.
“A short note,” Vyse went on: “the whole story in half a page. The shortness struck me so much—and the directness—that I wrote her: wrote in my own name, I mean.”
“A brief note,” Vyse continued: “the entire story in half a page. The brevity really caught my attention—and the straightforwardness—so I wrote to her: wrote using my own name, I mean.”
“In your own name?” Betton stood amazed; then he broke into a groan.
“In your own name?” Betton stood in shock; then he let out a groan.
“Good Lord, Vyse—you’re incorrigible!”
“Good Lord, Vyse—you’re impossible!”
The secretary pulled his thin moustache with a nervous laugh. “If you mean I’m an ass, you’re right. Look here.” He held out an envelope stamped with the words: “Dead Letter Office.” “My effusion has come back to me marked ‘unknown.’ There’s no such person at the address she gave you.”
The secretary tugged at his thin mustache with a nervous chuckle. “If you’re saying I’m an idiot, you’re spot on. Check this out.” He held out an envelope stamped with the words: “Dead Letter Office.” “My heartfelt message has been returned to me marked ‘unknown.’ There’s no one at the address she provided.”
Betton seemed for an instant to share his secretary’s embarrassment; then he burst into an uproarious laugh.
Betton appeared to momentarily feel his secretary’s embarrassment; then he exploded into a hearty laugh.
“Hoax, was it? That’s rough on you, old fellow!”
“Really? That’s tough for you, my friend!”
Vyse shrugged his shoulders. “Yes; but the interesting question is—why on earth didn’t your answer come back, too?”
Vyse shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah; but the interesting question is—why didn’t your answer come back, too?”
“My answer?”
"My response?"
“The official one—the one I wrote in your name. If she’s unknown, what’s become of that?”
“The official one—the one I wrote in your name. If she’s unknown, what happened to that?”
Betton stared at him with eyes wrinkled by amusement. “Perhaps she hadn’t disappeared then.”
Betton stared at him with amused eyes. “Maybe she hasn’t disappeared after all.”
Vyse disregarded the conjecture. “Look here—I believe all these letters are a hoax,” he broke out.
Vyse dismissed the speculation. “Listen—I think all these letters are a scam,” he said.
Betton stared at him with a face that turned slowly red and angry. “What are you talking about? All what letters?”
Betton stared at him, his face gradually turning red with anger. “What are you talking about? What letters?”
“These I’ve spread out here: I’ve been comparing them. And I believe they’re all written by one man.”
“These I’ve laid out here: I’ve been comparing them. And I think they’re all written by the same person.”
Burton’s redness turned to a purple that made his ruddy moustache seem pale. “What the devil are you driving at?” he asked.
Burton’s face flushed to a shade of purple that made his red mustache look pale. “What the heck are you getting at?” he asked.
“Well, just look at it,” Vyse persisted, still bent above the letters. “I’ve been studying them carefully—those that have come within the last two or three weeks—and there’s a queer likeness in the writing of some of them. The g’s are all like corkscrews. And the same phrases keep recurring—the Ann Arbor news-agent uses the same expressions as the President of the Girls’ College at Euphorbia, Maine.”
“Well, just look at it,” Vyse insisted, still leaning over the letters. “I’ve been studying them carefully—those that have arrived in the last two or three weeks—and there’s a strange similarity in the writing of some of them. The g’s all look like corkscrews. And the same phrases keep coming up—the Ann Arbor news-agent uses the same expressions as the President of the Girls’ College in Euphorbia, Maine.”
Betton laughed. “Aren’t the critics always groaning over the shrinkage of the national vocabulary? Of course we all use the same expressions.”
Betton laughed. “Aren’t the critics always complaining about the decline of the national vocabulary? Of course, we all use the same phrases.”
“Yes,” said Vyse obstinately. “But how about using the same g’s?”
“Yes,” said Vyse stubbornly. “But what about using the same g’s?”
Betton laughed again, but Vyse continued without heeding him: “Look here, Betton—could Strett have written them?”
Betton laughed again, but Vyse kept going without paying him any mind: “Hey, Betton—could Strett have written them?”
“Strett?” Betton roared. “ Strett?” He threw himself into his arm-chair to shake out his mirth at greater ease.
“Strett?” Betton shouted. “ Strett?” He flopped into his armchair to laugh more comfortably.
“I’ll tell you why. Strett always posts all my answers. He comes in for them every day before I leave. He posted the letter to the misunderstood party—the letter from you that the Dead Letter Office didn’t return. I posted my own letter to her; and that came back.”
“I’ll tell you why. Strett always shares all my responses. He comes by for them every day before I leave. He posted the letter to the party that got it wrong—the letter from you that the Dead Letter Office didn’t send back. I sent my own letter to her; and that one came back.”
A measurable silence followed the emission of this ingenious conjecture; then Betton observed with gentle irony: “Extremely neat. And of course it’s no business of yours to supply any valid motive for this remarkable attention on my valet’s part.”
A noticeable silence followed the clever suggestion; then Betton remarked with subtle sarcasm: “Very tidy. And naturally, it’s not your concern to offer any legitimate reason for this unusual interest from my valet.”
Vyse cast on him a slanting glance.
Vyse shot him a sideways glance.
“If you’ve found that human conduct’s generally based on valid motives—!”
“If you’ve realized that human behavior is usually driven by genuine motives—!”
“Well, outside of mad-houses it’s supposed to be not quite incalculable.”
“Well, outside of insane asylums, it’s thought to be not really unpredictable.”
Vyse had an odd smile under his thin moustache. “Every house is a mad-house at some time or another.”
Vyse had a strange smile beneath his thin mustache. “Every home is crazy at times.”
Betton rose with a careless shake of the shoulders. “This one will be if I talk to you much longer,” he said, moving away with a laugh.
Betton got up with a casual shrug. “This will be the case if I talk to you much longer,” he said, stepping back with a laugh.
IV
BETTON did not for a moment believe that Vyse suspected the valet of having written the letters.
BETTON did not for a second think that Vyse suspected the valet of writing the letters.
“Why the devil don’t he say out what he thinks? He was always a tortuous chap,” he grumbled inwardly.
“Why doesn’t he just say what he really thinks? He was always a complicated guy,” he complained to himself.
The sense of being held under the lens of Vyse’s mute scrutiny became more and more exasperating. Betton, by this time, had squared his shoulders to the fact that “Abundance” was a failure with the public: a confessed and glaring failure. The press told him so openly, and his friends emphasized the fact by their circumlocutions and evasions. Betton minded it a good deal more than he had expected, but not nearly as much as he minded Vyse’s knowing it. That remained the central twinge in his diffused discomfort. And the problem of getting rid of his secretary once more engaged him.
The feeling of being examined under Vyse’s silent gaze became increasingly frustrating. By this point, Betton had come to terms with the fact that “Abundance” was a bust with the public: a clear and obvious failure. The media made that very clear, and his friends reinforced it with their roundabout ways of mentioning it. Betton cared about it a lot more than he had anticipated, but not nearly as much as he cared about Vyse knowing it. That tension was the main source of his overall unease. Once again, he focused on finding a way to get rid of his secretary.
He had set aside all sentimental pretexts for retaining Vyse; but a practical argument replaced them. “If I ship him now he’ll think it’s because I’m ashamed to have him see that I’m not getting any more letters.”
He had pushed aside all sentimental reasons for keeping Vyse; instead, a practical argument took their place. “If I send him away now, he’ll think it’s because I’m embarrassed that I’m not receiving any more letters.”
For the letters had ceased again, almost abruptly, since Vyse had hazarded the conjecture that they were the product of Strett’s devoted pen. Betton had reverted only once to the subject—to ask ironically, a day or two later: “Is Strett writing to me as much as ever?”—and, on Vyse’s replying with a neutral head-shake, had added with a laugh: “If you suspect him you might as well think I write the letters myself!”
For the letters had stopped again, almost suddenly, since Vyse had taken a guess that they were written by Strett’s devoted hand. Betton had brought it up only once more—to ask sarcastically, a day or two later: “Is Strett writing to me as much as ever?”—and, when Vyse shook his head to indicate no, Betton laughed and said: “If you think him, you might as well believe I’m writing the letters myself!”
“There are very few to-day,” said Vyse, with his irritating evasiveness; and Betton rejoined squarely: “Oh, they’ll stop soon. The book’s a failure.”
“There are very few today,” said Vyse, with his annoying evasiveness; and Betton replied directly: “Oh, they'll stop soon. The book's a failure.”
A few mornings later he felt a rush of shame at his own tergiversations, and stalked into the library with Vyse’s sentence on his tongue.
A few mornings later, he felt a wave of shame at his own contradictions and marched into the library with Vyse’s words on his mind.
Vyse started back with one of his anaemic blushes. “I was hoping you’d be in. I wanted to speak to you. There’ve been no letters the last day or two,” he explained.
Vyse flinched a bit with a pale blush. “I was hoping you’d be here. I wanted to talk to you. There haven’t been any letters in the last day or two,” he explained.
Betton drew a quick breath of relief. The man had some sense of decency, then! He meant to dismiss himself.
Betton let out a quick sigh of relief. The man had some sense of decency, then! He intended to excuse himself.
“I told you so, my dear fellow; the book’s a flat failure,” he said, almost gaily.
“I told you so, my friend; the book is a complete flop,” he said, almost cheerfully.
Vyse made a deprecating gesture. “I don’t know that I should regard the absence of letters as the ultimate test. But I wanted to ask you if there isn’t something else I can do on the days when there’s no writing.” He turned his glance toward the book-lined walls. “Don’t you want your library catalogued?” he asked insidiously.
Vyse made a dismissive gesture. “I’m not sure I should consider the lack of letters as the final measure. But I wanted to ask if there’s anything else I can do on the days when there’s no writing.” He looked over at the walls filled with books. “Don’t you want your library organized?” he asked slyly.
“Had it done last year, thanks.” Betton glanced away from Vyse’s face. It was piteous, how he needed the job!
“Had it done last year, thanks.” Betton looked away from Vyse’s face. It was sad how much he needed the job!
“I see. ... Of course this is just a temporary lull in the letters. They’ll begin again—as they did before. The people who read carefully read slowly—you haven’t heard yet what they think.”
“I understand. ... Of course, this is just a short break in the letters. They’ll start up again—just like they did before. The people who read carefully take their time—you still don’t know what they think.”
Betton felt a rush of puerile joy at the suggestion. Actually, he hadn’t thought of that!
Betton felt a wave of childish excitement at the suggestion. Honestly, he hadn't thought of that!
“There was a big second crop after ‘Diadems and Faggots,’” he mused aloud.
“There was a big second crop after ‘Diadems and Faggots,’” he thought out loud.
“Of course. Wait and see,” said Vyse confidently.
“Of course. Just wait and see,” said Vyse confidently.
The letters in fact began again—more gradually and in smaller numbers. But their quality was different, as Vyse had predicted. And in two cases Betton’s correspondents, not content to compress into one rapid communication the thoughts inspired by his work, developed their views in a succession of really remarkable letters. One of the writers was a professor in a Western college; the other was a girl in Florida. In their language, their point of view, their reasons for appreciating “Abundance,” they differed almost diametrically; but this only made the unanimity of their approval the more striking. The rush of correspondence evoked by Betton’s earlier novel had produced nothing so personal, so exceptional as these communications. He had gulped the praise of “Diadems and Faggots” as undiscriminatingly as it was offered; now he knew for the first time the subtler pleasures of the palate. He tried to feign indifference, even to himself; and to Vyse he made no sign. But gradually he felt a desire to know what his secretary thought of the letters, and, above all, what he was saying in reply to them. And he resented acutely the possibility of Vyse’s starting one of his clandestine correspondences with the girl in Florida. Vyse’s notorious lack of delicacy had never been more vividly present to Betton’s imagination; and he made up his mind to answer the letters himself.
The letters actually started coming in again—more slowly and in smaller amounts. But they were different in quality, just as Vyse had predicted. In two instances, Betton’s correspondents, unwilling to fit all their thoughts inspired by his work into one quick message, expressed their views in a series of truly remarkable letters. One writer was a professor at a Western college; the other was a girl in Florida. Their language, perspectives, and reasons for appreciating “Abundance” were almost completely opposite; but this only highlighted the striking agreement in their approval. The flood of correspondence that had followed Betton’s earlier novel hadn’t led to anything as personal or exceptional as these letters. He had taken in the praise of “Diadems and Faggots” without much thought; now he was experiencing, for the first time, the finer pleasures of recognition. He tried to act indifferent, even to himself; and he didn’t show any response to Vyse. But gradually, he began to want to know what his secretary thought of the letters, and especially what he was saying in response to them. He felt a sharp resentment at the thought of Vyse starting one of his secret exchanges with the girl in Florida. Vyse’s infamous lack of tact was more vivid than ever in Betton’s mind; and he decided to respond to the letters himself.
He would keep Vyse on, of course: there were other communications that the secretary could attend to. And, if necessary, Betton would invent an occupation: he cursed his stupidity in having betrayed the fact that his books were already catalogued.
He would definitely keep Vyse around; there were other tasks that the secretary could handle. And, if needed, Betton would come up with something for him to do: he cursed himself for revealing that his books were already cataloged.
Vyse showed no surprise when Betton announced his intention of dealing personally with the two correspondents who showed so flattering a reluctance to take their leave. But Betton immediately read a criticism in his lack of comment, and put forth, on a note of challenge: “After all, one must be decent!”
Vyse didn’t seem surprised when Betton said he planned to handle the two correspondents himself, who were so flattering but hesitant to leave. However, Betton quickly perceived a critique in his silence and challenged him, saying, “After all, we must be decent!”
Vyse looked at him with an evanescent smile. “You’ll have to explain that you didn’t write the first answers.”
Vyse looked at him with a fleeting smile. “You’ll need to explain that you didn’t write the first answers.”
Betton halted. “Well—I—I more or less dictated them, didn’t I?”
Betton paused. “Well—I—I kind of dictated them, didn’t I?”
“Oh, virtually, they’re yours, of course.”
“Oh, basically, they’re yours, of course.”
“You think I can put it that way?”
“You think I can say it like that?”
“Why not?” The secretary absently drew an arabesque on the blotting-pad. “Of course they’ll keep it up longer if you write yourself,” he suggested.
“Why not?” The secretary absentmindedly doodled on the blotting pad. “Of course they’ll maintain it longer if you write it yourself,” he suggested.
Betton blushed, but faced the issue. “Hang it all, I sha’n’t be sorry. They interest me. They’re remarkable letters.” And Vyse, without observation, returned to his writings.
Betton blushed but confronted the issue. “Honestly, I won’t regret it. They fascinate me. They’re extraordinary letters.” And Vyse, without comment, went back to his writing.
The spring, that year, was delicious to Betton. His college professor continued to address him tersely but cogently at fixed intervals, and twice a week eight serried pages came from Florida. There were other letters, too; he had the solace of feeling that at last “Abundance” was making its way, was reaching the people who, as Vyse said, read slowly because they read intelligently. But welcome as were all these proofs of his restored authority they were but the background of his happiness. His life revolved for the moment about the personality of his two chief correspondents. The professor’s letters satisfied his craving for intellectual recognition, and the satisfaction he felt in them proved how completely he had lost faith in himself. He blushed to think that his opinion of his work had been swayed by the shallow judgments of a public whose taste he despised. Was it possible that he had allowed himself to think less well of “Abundance” because it was not to the taste of the average novel-reader? Such false humility was less excusable than the crudest appetite for praise: it was ridiculous to try to do conscientious work if one’s self-esteem were at the mercy of popular judgments. All this the professor’s letters delicately and indirectly conveyed to Betton, with the result that the author of “Abundance” began to recognize in it the ripest flower of his genius.
The spring that year was wonderful for Betton. His college professor continued to address him briefly but effectively at regular intervals, and twice a week, he received eight packed pages from Florida. There were other letters too; he found comfort in knowing that “Abundance” was finally getting out there, reaching the people who, as Vyse said, read slowly because they read thoughtfully. But while all these signs of his regained authority were welcome, they were just the backdrop to his happiness. His life for the moment revolved around the personalities of his two main correspondents. The professor’s letters fed his need for intellectual recognition, and the pleasure he felt from them proved how completely he had lost confidence in himself. He felt embarrassed thinking that his opinion of his work had been influenced by the superficial judgments of a public whose taste he looked down on. Was it possible he had let himself think less of “Abundance” simply because it didn’t appeal to the average novel reader? Such false humility was even less forgivable than the most basic desire for praise: it was absurd to try to do meaningful work if one’s self-worth depended on popular opinions. All this was subtly and indirectly communicated to Betton through the professor’s letters, leading the author of “Abundance” to start recognizing it as the fullest expression of his talent.
But if the professor understood his book, the girl in Florida understood him; and Betton was fully alive to the superior qualities of discernment which this process implied. For his lovely correspondent his novel was but the starting-point, the pretext of her discourse: he himself was her real object, and he had the delicious sense, as their exchange of thoughts proceeded, that she was interested in “Abundance” because of its author, rather than in the author because of his book. Of course she laid stress on the fact that his ideas were the object of her contemplation; but Betton’s agreeable person had permitted him some insight into the incorrigible subjectiveness of female judgments, and he was pleasantly aware, from the lady’s tone, that she guessed him to be neither old nor ridiculous. And suddenly he wrote to ask if he might see her. ...
But if the professor understood his book, the girl in Florida understood him; and Betton was fully aware of the deeper qualities of insight that this implied. For his beautiful correspondent, his novel was just a starting point, a reason for their conversation: he was her real focus, and he had the delightful feeling, as they exchanged thoughts, that she was engaged with “Abundance” because of its author, not the other way around. Of course, she emphasized that his ideas were the center of her reflection; but Betton's charming nature had given him some understanding of the unchangeable subjectivity of women's judgments, and he was pleasantly aware, from her tone, that she perceived him to be neither old nor ridiculous. And suddenly he wrote to ask if he could see her. ...
The answer was long in coming. Betton fumed at the delay, watched, wondered, fretted; then he received the one word “Impossible.”
The answer took a while to arrive. Betton was irritated by the wait, he observed, speculated, and worried; then he got the single word “Impossible.”
He wrote back more urgently, and awaited the reply with increasing eagerness. A certain shyness had kept him from once more modifying the instructions regarding his mail, and Strett still carried the letters directly to Vyse. The hour when he knew they were passing under the latter’s eyes was now becoming intolerable to Betton, and it was a profound relief when the secretary, suddenly advised of his father’s illness, asked permission to absent himself for a fortnight.
He replied more urgently and waited for the response with growing anticipation. A certain shyness had prevented him from changing the instructions about his mail again, and Strett still delivered the letters directly to Vyse. The moment when he knew they were being read by Vyse was becoming unbearable for Betton, and it was a huge relief when the secretary, suddenly informed of his father’s illness, requested to take two weeks off.
Vyse departed just after Betton had despatched to Florida his second missive of entreaty, and for ten days he tasted the furtive joy of a first perusal of his letters. The answer from Florida was not among them; but Betton said to himself “She’s thinking it over,” and delay, in that light, seemed favourable. So charming, in fact, was this phase of sentimental suspense that he felt a start of resentment when a telegram apprised him one morning that Vyse would return to his post that day.
Vyse left right after Betton sent his second plea to Florida, and for ten days, he enjoyed the private thrill of reading his letters for the first time. The reply from Florida wasn’t included; however, Betton reassured himself, “She’s thinking it over,” and in that light, the delay felt positive. This stage of emotional anticipation was so delightful that he felt a twinge of annoyance when a telegram informed him one morning that Vyse would be back at his post that day.
Betton had slept later than usual, and, springing out of bed with the telegram in his hand, he learned from the clock that his secretary was due in half an hour. He reflected that the morning’s mail must long since be in; and, too impatient to wait for its appearance with his breakfast-tray, he threw on a dressing-gown and went to the library. There lay the letters, half a dozen of them: but his eye flew to one envelope, and as he tore it open a warm wave rocked his heart.
Betton had slept in later than usual, and, jumping out of bed with the telegram in his hand, he checked the clock and realized his secretary would be arriving in half an hour. He thought about how the morning mail must have arrived by now; too eager to wait for it to come with his breakfast, he threw on a robe and headed to the library. There were the letters, about six of them: but his gaze landed on one envelope, and as he opened it, a warm wave washed over his heart.
The letter was dated a few days after its writer must have received his own: it had all the qualities of grace and insight to which his unknown friend had accustomed him, but it contained no allusion, however indirect, to the special purport of his appeal. Even a vanity less ingenious than Betton’s might have read in the lady’s silence one of the most familiar motions of consent; but the smile provoked by this inference faded as he turned to his other letters. For the uppermost bore the superscription “Dead Letter Office,” and the document that fell from it was his own last letter from Florida.
The letter was dated a few days after its writer must have received his own. It had all the charm and insight that his unknown friend had consistently shown, but it didn't reference, even indirectly, the specific purpose of his request. Even a less clever vanity than Betton’s might have interpreted the woman's silence as a familiar sign of agreement. However, the smile prompted by this idea faded as he looked at his other letters. The top one was labeled “Dead Letter Office,” and the document that fell out was his latest letter from Florida.
Betton studied the ironic “Unknown” for an appreciable space of time; then he broke into a laugh. He had suddenly recalled Vyse’s similar experience with “Hester Macklin,” and the light he was able to throw on that obscure episode was searching enough to penetrate all the dark corners of his own adventure. He felt a rush of heat to the ears; catching sight of himself in the glass, he saw a red ridiculous congested countenance, and dropped into a chair to hide it between flushed fists. He was roused by the opening of the door, and Vyse appeared on the threshold.
Betton stared at the ironic “Unknown” for a considerable amount of time; then he burst out laughing. He had suddenly remembered Vyse’s similar experience with “Hester Macklin,” and the insight he gained from that obscure event was enough to illuminate all the dark corners of his own adventure. He felt a rush of heat to his ears; when he caught sight of himself in the mirror, he saw a bright, ridiculous, flushed face, and he dropped into a chair to hide it behind his heated fists. He was startled by the door opening, and Vyse appeared in the doorway.
“Oh, I beg pardon—you’re ill?” said the secretary.
“Oh, I’m sorry—you’re not feeling well?” said the secretary.
Betton’s only answer was an inarticulate murmur of derision; then he pushed forward the letter with the imprint of the Dead Letter Office.
Betton's only response was a vague sound of contempt; then he slid the letter forward, showing the stamp from the Dead Letter Office.
“Look at that,” he jeered.
“Check that out,” he jeered.
Vyse peered at the envelope, and turned it over slowly in his hands. Betton’s eyes, fixed on him, saw his face decompose like a substance touched by some powerful acid. He clung to the envelope as if to gain time.
Vyse looked closely at the envelope and turned it over slowly in his hands. Betton watched him, noticing his expression change as if it were being eaten away by some intense acid. He held onto the envelope, trying to buy himself some time.
“It’s from the young lady you’ve been writing to at Swazee Springs?” he asked at length.
“It’s from the young woman you’ve been corresponding with at Swazee Springs?” he asked after a while.
“It’s from the young lady I’ve been writing to at Swazee Springs.”
“It’s from the young woman I’ve been writing to at Swazee Springs.”
“Well—I suppose she’s gone away,” continued Vyse, rebuilding his countenance rapidly.
“Well—I guess she’s gone,” Vyse said, quickly putting on a composed face.
“Yes; and in a community numbering perhaps a hundred and seventy-five souls, including the dogs and chickens, the local post-office is so ignorant of her movements that my letter has to be sent to the Dead Letter Office.”
“Yes; and in a community of around a hundred and seventy-five people, including the dogs and chickens, the local post office is so clueless about her whereabouts that my letter has to be sent to the Dead Letter Office.”
Vyse meditated on this; then he laughed in turn. “After all, the same thing happened to me—with ‘Hester Macklin,’ I mean,” he recalled sheepishly.
Vyse thought about this for a moment, then he laughed as well. “You know, the same thing happened to me—with ‘Hester Macklin,’ I mean,” he remembered, feeling a bit embarrassed.
“Just so,” said Betton, bringing down his clenched fist on the table. “ Just so,” he repeated, in italics.
“Exactly,” said Betton, slamming his clenched fist on the table. “ Exactly,” he repeated, emphasizing it.
He caught his secretary’s glance, and held it with his own for a moment. Then he dropped it as, in pity, one releases something scared and squirming.
He caught his secretary’s glance and held it with his own for a moment. Then he let it go, like someone freeing a scared and squirming creature out of pity.
“The very day my letter was returned from Swazee Springs she wrote me this from there,” he said, holding up the last Florida missive.
“The very day my letter was sent back from Swazee Springs, she wrote me this from there,” he said, holding up the latest Florida message.
“Ha! That’s funny,” said Vyse, with a damp forehead.
“Ha! That’s hilarious,” said Vyse, wiping his sweaty forehead.
“Yes, it’s funny; it’s funny,” said Betton. He leaned back, his hands in his pockets, staring up at the ceiling, and noticing a crack in the cornice. Vyse, at the corner of the writing-table, waited.
“Yes, it’s hilarious; it’s hilarious,” said Betton. He leaned back, his hands in his pockets, staring up at the ceiling and noticing a crack in the cornice. Vyse, at the corner of the writing table, waited.
“Shall I get to work?” he began, after a silence measurable by minutes. Betton’s gaze descended from the cornice.
“Should I start working?” he asked, after a silence that felt like it lasted for minutes. Betton’s eyes moved down from the cornice.
“I’ve got your seat, haven’t I?” he said, rising and moving away from the table.
“I've got your seat, right?” he said, standing up and stepping away from the table.
Vyse, with a quick gleam of relief, slipped into the vacant chair, and began to stir about vaguely among the papers.
Vyse, with a flash of relief, sat down in the empty chair and started to shuffle through the papers aimlessly.
“How’s your father?” Betton asked from the hearth.
“How’s your dad?” Betton asked from the fireplace.
“Oh, better—better, thank you. He’ll pull out of it.”
“Oh, I’m doing better, thank you. He’ll get through this.”
“But you had a sharp scare for a day or two?”
“But you had a pretty big scare for a day or two?”
“Yes—it was touch and go when I got there.”
“Yes—it was uncertain when I arrived.”
Another pause, while Vyse began to classify the letters.
Another pause as Vyse started to sort the letters.
“And I suppose,” Betton continued in a steady tone, “your anxiety made you forget your usual precautions—whatever they were—about this Florida correspondence, and before you’d had time to prevent it the Swazee post-office blundered?”
“And I guess,” Betton continued in a calm tone, “your anxiety made you forget your usual precautions—whatever they were—about this Florida correspondence, and before you had a chance to stop it, the Swazee post office messed up?”
Vyse lifted his head with a quick movement. “What do you mean?” he asked, pushing his chair back.
Vyse quickly lifted his head. “What do you mean?” he asked, pushing his chair back.
“I mean that you saw I couldn’t live without flattery, and that you’ve been ladling it out to me to earn your keep.”
“I mean that you noticed I can’t survive without compliments, and you’ve been pouring them on me to justify your presence.”
Vyse sat motionless and shrunken, digging the blotting-pad with his pen. “What on earth are you driving at?” he repeated.
Vyse sat still and hunched over, pressing the blotting pad with his pen. “What are you getting at?” he repeated.
“Though why the deuce,” Betton continued in the same steady tone, “you should need to do this kind of work when you’ve got such faculties at your service—those letters were magnificent, my dear fellow! Why in the world don’t you write novels, instead of writing to other people about them?”
“Though why on earth,” Betton continued in the same calm tone, “you would need to do this kind of work when you have such talents at your disposal—those letters were outstanding, my dear friend! Why in the world don’t you write novels instead of writing to others about them?”
Vyse straightened himself with an effort. “What are you talking about, Betton? Why the devil do you think I wrote those letters?”
Vyse sat up straight with some effort. “What are you talking about, Betton? Why on earth do you think I wrote those letters?”
Betton held back his answer, with a brooding face. “Because I wrote ‘Hester Macklin’s’—to myself!”
Betton held back his response, wearing a serious expression. “Because I wrote ‘Hester Macklin’s’—for myself!”
Vyse sat stock-still, without the least outcry of wonder. “Well—?” he finally said, in a low tone.
Vyse sat completely still, without the slightest sound of surprise. “Well—?” he finally said, in a quiet voice.
“And because you found me out (you see, you can’t even feign surprise!)—because you saw through it at a glance, knew at once that the letters were faked. And when you’d foolishly put me on my guard by pointing out to me that they were a clumsy forgery, and had then suddenly guessed that I was the forger, you drew the natural inference that I had to have popular approval, or at least had to make you think I had it. You saw that, to me, the worst thing about the failure of the book was having you know it was a failure. And so you applied your superior—your immeasurably superior—abilities to carrying on the humbug, and deceiving me as I’d tried to deceive you. And you did it so successfully that I don’t see why the devil you haven’t made your fortune writing novels!”
“And because you figured me out (you see, you can't even act surprised!)—because you saw through it instantly, knew right away that the letters were fake. And when you foolishly alerted me by pointing out that they were a bad forgery, and then suddenly guessed that I was the forger, you naturally concluded that I must have some sort of popular support, or at least needed to make you believe I had it. You realized that, to me, the worst part about the book's failure was having you know it had failed. So you used your superior—your vastly superior—skills to keep up the charade and fool me as I’d tried to fool you. And you did it so well that I don’t understand why the hell you haven’t made a fortune writing novels!”
Vyse remained silent, his head slightly bent under the mounting tide of Betton’s denunciation.
Vyse stayed quiet, his head slightly lowered under the growing wave of Betton’s criticism.
“The way you differentiated your people—characterised them—avoided my stupid mistake of making the women’s letters too short and logical, of letting my different correspondents use the same expressions: the amount of ingenuity and art you wasted on it! I swear, Vyse, I’m sorry that damned post-office went back on you,” Betton went on, piling up the waves of his irony.
“The way you distinguished your people—defined them—steered clear of my foolish error of making the women’s letters too brief and logical, of allowing my various correspondents to use the same phrases: the amount of creativity and skill you put into it! I swear, Vyse, I’m sorry that stupid post office let you down,” Betton continued, amplifying the waves of his sarcasm.
But at this height they suddenly paused, drew back on themselves, and began to recede before the spectacle of Vyse’s pale distress. Something warm and emotional in Betton’s nature—a lurking kindliness, perhaps, for any one who tried to soothe and smooth his writhing ego—softened his eye as it rested on the drooping figure of his secretary.
But at this point, they suddenly stopped, pulled back, and began to retreat in response to Vyse’s pale distress. Something warm and emotional in Betton’s nature—a hidden kindness, maybe, for anyone who tried to comfort and support his troubled ego—softened his gaze as it fell on the slumped figure of his secretary.
“Look here, Vyse—I’m not sorry—not altogether sorry this has happened!” He moved slowly across the room, and laid a friendly palm on Vyse’s shoulder. “In a queer illogical way it evens up things, as it were. I did you a shabby turn once, years ago—oh, out of sheer carelessness, of course—about that novel of yours I promised to give to Apthorn. If I had given it, it might not have made any difference—I’m not sure it wasn’t too good for success—but anyhow, I dare say you thought my personal influence might have helped you, might at least have got you a quicker hearing. Perhaps you thought it was because the thing was so good that I kept it back, that I felt some nasty jealousy of your superiority. I swear to you it wasn’t that—I clean forgot it. And one day when I came home it was gone: you’d sent and taken it. And I’ve always thought since you might have owed me a grudge—and not unjustly; so this ... this business of the letters ... the sympathy you’ve shown ... for I suppose it is sympathy ... ?”
“Look, Vyse—I’m not sorry—not entirely sorry this happened!” He walked slowly across the room and placed a friendly hand on Vyse’s shoulder. “In a strange, illogical way, it makes things even out, so to speak. I did you a bad turn once, years ago—oh, out of sheer carelessness, of course—about that novel of yours I promised to give to Apthorn. If I had given it, it might not have made any difference—I’m not sure it wasn’t too good for success—but anyway, I guess you thought my personal influence might have helped you, or at least got you a quicker response. Maybe you thought I held it back because it was so good, that I felt some nasty jealousy over your talent. I swear it wasn’t that—I completely forgot about it. One day when I came home, it was gone: you’d sent someone to take it. And I’ve always thought since that you might have had a reason to resent me—and not without cause; so this ... this business with the letters ... the sympathy you’ve shown ... because I assume it is sympathy ...?”
Vyse startled and checked him by a queer crackling laugh.
Vyse jumped and interrupted him with an odd, crackling laugh.
“It’s not sympathy?” broke in Betton, the moisture drying out of his voice. He withdrew his hand from Vyse’s shoulder. “What is it, then? The joy of uncovering my nakedness? An eye for an eye? Is it that?”
“It’s not sympathy?” interrupted Betton, his voice losing its warmth. He pulled his hand away from Vyse’s shoulder. “What is it, then? The thrill of exposing my vulnerability? Revenge? Is it that?”
Vyse rose from his seat, and with a mechanical gesture swept into a heap all the letters he had sorted.
Vyse got up from his seat and, with a robotic motion, gathered all the letters he had sorted into a pile.
“I’m stone broke, and wanted to keep my job—that’s what it is,” he said wearily ...
“I’m completely broke, and I wanted to keep my job—that’s all there is to it,” he said tiredly ...
THE LEGEND
I
ARTHUR BERNALD could never afterward recall just when the first conjecture flashed on him: oddly enough, there was no record of it in the agitated jottings of his diary. But, as it seemed to him in retrospect, he had always felt that the queer man at the Wades’ must be John Pellerin, if only for the negative reason that he couldn’t imaginably be any one else. It was impossible, in the confused pattern of the century’s intellectual life, to fit the stranger in anywhere, save in the big gap which, some five and twenty years earlier, had been left by Pellerin’s unaccountable disappearance; and conversely, such a man as the Wades’ visitor couldn’t have lived for sixty years without filling, somewhere in space, a nearly equivalent void.
ARTHUR BERNALD could never remember exactly when the first idea struck him; strangely, there was no record of it in the frantic notes of his diary. However, looking back, he felt he had always thought that the odd man at the Wades’ had to be John Pellerin, if only for the simple reason that he couldn’t possibly be anyone else. In the chaotic landscape of the century’s intellectual life, it was impossible to place the stranger anywhere else but in the significant gap left by Pellerin’s mysterious disappearance about twenty-five years earlier. Conversely, a man like the Wades’ visitor couldn’t have lived for sixty years without occupying, somewhere, a comparable emptiness.
At all events, it was certainly not to Doctor Wade or to his mother that Bernald owed the hint: the good unconscious Wades, one of whose chief charms in the young man’s eyes was that they remained so robustly untainted by Pellerinism, in spite of the fact that Doctor Wade’s younger brother, Howland, was among its most impudently flourishing high-priests.
At any rate, Bernald definitely did not get the hint from Doctor Wade or his mother: the good, oblivious Wades, one of whose main attractions to the young man was that they stayed so refreshingly unaffected by Pellerinism, despite the fact that Doctor Wade’s younger brother, Howland, was one of its most shamelessly successful advocates.
The incident had begun by Bernald’s running across Doctor Robert Wade one hot summer night at the University Club, and by Wade’s saying, in the tone of unprofessional laxity which the shadowy stillness of the place invited: “I got hold of a queer fish at St. Martin’s the other day—case of heat-prostration picked up in Central Park. When we’d patched him up I found he had nowhere to go, and not a dollar in his pocket, and I sent him down to our place at Portchester to re-build.”
The incident started when Bernald ran into Doctor Robert Wade one hot summer night at the University Club. Wade, speaking casually in the relaxed atmosphere of the place, said, “I came across an unusual guy at St. Martin’s the other day—a heatstroke case found in Central Park. After we took care of him, I realized he had nowhere to go and no money, so I sent him down to our place in Portchester to recover.”
The opening roused his hearer’s attention. Bob Wade had an odd unformulated sense of values that Bernald had learned to trust.
The opening grabbed his listener's attention. Bob Wade had a strange, unspoken sense of values that Bernald had come to trust.
“What sort of chap? Young or old?”
“What kind of guy? Young or old?”
“Oh, every age—full of years, and yet with a lot left. He called himself sixty on the books.”
“Oh, every age—full of years, but still with a lot left. He said he was sixty on paper.”
“Sixty’s a good age for some kinds of living. And age is of course purely subjective. How has he used his sixty years?”
“Sixty is a good age for some types of living. And age is definitely subjective. How has he spent his sixty years?”
“Well—part of them in educating himself, apparently. He’s a scholar—humanities, languages, and so forth.”
“Well—part of him is focused on educating himself, it seems. He’s a scholar—studying humanities, languages, and so on.”
“Oh—decayed gentleman,” Bernald murmured, disappointed.
“Oh—old man,” Bernald murmured, disappointed.
“Decayed? Not much!” cried the doctor with his accustomed literalness. “I only mentioned that side of Winterman—his name’s Winterman—because it was the side my mother noticed first. I suppose women generally do. But it’s only a part—a small part. The man’s the big thing.”
“Decayed? Not at all!” the doctor exclaimed, sticking to his usual straightforwardness. “I only brought up that part of Winterman—his name is Winterman—because it was what my mother noticed first. I guess women usually do. But it’s just a part—a minor part. The man is what really matters.”
“Really big?”
“Really huge?”
“Well—there again. ... When I took him down to the country, looking rather like a tramp from a ‘Shelter,’ with an untrimmed beard, and a suit of reach-me-downs he’d slept round the Park in for a week, I felt sure my mother’d carry the silver up to her room, and send for the gardener’s dog to sleep in the hall the first night. But she didn’t.”
“Well—there you go. ... When I took him out to the country, looking a bit like a homeless person from a shelter, with an unkempt beard and a hand-me-down suit he’d been sleeping in at the park for a week, I was sure my mom would take the silver up to her room and call for the gardener’s dog to sleep in the hall the first night. But she didn’t.”
“I see. ‘Women and children love him.’ Oh, Wade!” Bernald groaned.
“I get it. ‘Women and kids adore him.’ Oh, Wade!” Bernald groaned.
“Not a bit of it! You’re out again. We don’t love him, either of us. But we feel him—the air’s charged with him. You’ll see.”
"Not at all! You’re out again. We don’t love him, either of us. But we feel him—the air's buzzing with him. You'll see."
And Bernald agreed that he would see, the following Sunday. Wade’s inarticulate attempts to characterize the stranger had struck his friend. The human revelation had for Bernald a poignant and ever-renewed interest, which his trade, as the dramatic critic of a daily paper, had hitherto failed to discourage. And he knew that Bob Wade, simple and undefiled by literature—Bernald’s specific affliction—had a free and personal way of judging men, and the diviner’s knack of reaching their hidden springs. During the days that followed, the young doctor gave Bernald farther details about John Winterman: details not of fact—for in that respect his visitor’s reticence was baffling—but of impression. It appeared that Winterman, while lying insensible in the Park, had been robbed of the few dollars he possessed; and on leaving the hospital, still weak and half-blind, he had quite simply and unprotestingly accepted the Wades’ offer to give him shelter till such time as he should be strong enough to go to work.
And Bernald agreed that he would see him the following Sunday. Wade’s clumsy attempts to describe the stranger had struck his friend. The human story had a deep and ever-refreshing interest for Bernald, which his job as a drama critic for a daily paper hadn’t managed to shake. He knew that Bob Wade, simple and untouched by literature—Bernald’s specific issue—had a straightforward and personal way of judging people, with a special talent for uncovering their hidden motivations. In the days that followed, the young doctor shared more details about John Winterman: not facts—since his visitor’s reluctance in that regard was puzzling—but impressions. It turned out that Winterman, while lying unconscious in the park, had been robbed of the few dollars he had. Upon leaving the hospital, still weak and nearly blind, he had quietly and without complaint accepted the Wades' offer to provide him shelter until he was strong enough to work.
“But what’s his work?” Bernald interjected. “Hasn’t he at least told you that?”
“But what does he do?” Bernald interrupted. “Hasn’t he at least mentioned that?”
“Well, writing. Some kind of writing.” Doctor Bob always became vague and clumsy when he approached the confines of literature. “He means to take it up again as soon as his eyes get right.”
“Well, writing. Some sort of writing.” Doctor Bob always got vague and awkward when he talked about literature. “He plans to pick it up again as soon as his eyes are better.”
Bernald groaned. “Oh, Lord—that finishes him; and me! He’s looking for a publisher, of course—he wants a ‘favourable notice.’ I won’t come!”
Bernald groaned. “Oh, man—that's it for him; and me! He’s looking for a publisher, of course—he wants a ‘good review.’ I won’t do it!”
“He hasn’t written a line for twenty years.”
“He hasn’t written a word in twenty years.”
“A line of what? What kind of literature can one keep corked up for twenty years?”
“A line of what? What kind of literature can someone keep bottled up for twenty years?”
Wade surprised him. “The real kind, I should say. But I don’t know Winterman’s line,” the doctor added. “He speaks of the things he used to write merely as ‘stuff that wouldn’t sell.’ He has a wonderfully confidential way of not telling one things. But he says he’ll have to do something for his living as soon as his eyes are patched up, and that writing is the only trade he knows. The queer thing is that he seems pretty sure of selling now. He even talked of buying the bungalow of us, with an acre or two about it.”
Wade surprised him. “The real deal, I should say. But I don’t know Winterman’s style,” the doctor added. “He talks about the things he used to write as just ‘stuff that wouldn’t sell.’ He has a wonderfully secretive way of not sharing things. But he says he’ll have to find a way to make a living as soon as his eyes are fixed, and that writing is the only job he knows. The strange part is that he seems pretty confident about selling now. He even mentioned buying our bungalow, with an acre or two around it.”
“The bungalow? What’s that?”
“The bungalow? What’s that about?”
“The studio down by the shore that we built for Howland when he thought he meant to paint.” (Howland Wade, as Bernald knew, had experienced various “calls.”) “Since he’s taken to writing nobody’s been near it. I offered it to Winterman, and he camps there—cooks his meals, does his own house-keeping, and never comes up to the house except in the evenings, when he joins us on the verandah, in the dark, and smokes while my mother knits.”
“The studio by the beach that we built for Howland when he thought he wanted to paint.” (Howland Wade, as Bernald knew, had gone through different “phases.”) “Since he started writing, no one’s been around it. I offered it to Winterman, and he lives there—cooks his meals, takes care of everything himself, and only comes up to the house in the evenings, when he joins us on the porch, in the dark, and smokes while my mom knits.”
“A discreet visitor, eh?”
“A subtle visitor, huh?”
“More than he need be. My mother actually wanted him to stay on in the house—in her pink chintz room. Think of it! But he says houses smother him. I take it he’s lived for years in the open.”
“More than he needs to be. My mom actually wanted him to stay in the house—in her pink chintz room. Can you believe it? But he says houses smother him. I guess he’s lived for years outdoors.”
“In the open where?”
"In the open, where?"
“I can’t make out, except that it was somewhere in the East. ‘East of everything—beyond the day-spring. In places not on the map.’ That’s the way he put it; and when I said: ‘You’ve been an explorer, then?’ he smiled in his beard, and answered: ‘Yes; that’s it—an explorer.’ Yet he doesn’t strike me as a man of action: hasn’t the hands or the eyes.”
“I can’t tell you where exactly, just that it was somewhere in the East. ‘East of everything—beyond the dawn. In places not on the map.’ That’s how he described it; and when I asked, ‘So, you’ve been an explorer?’ he smiled through his beard and replied, ‘Yes; that’s right—an explorer.’ But he doesn’t seem like a man of action: he doesn’t have the build or the look.”
“What sort of hands and eyes has he?”
“What kind of hands and eyes does he have?”
Wade reflected. His range of observation was not large, but within its limits it was exact and could give an account of itself.
Wade thought about it. His range of observation wasn't extensive, but within its boundaries, it was precise and could explain itself.
“He’s worked a lot with his hands, but that’s not what they were made for. I should say they were extraordinarily delicate conductors of sensation. And his eye—his eye too. He hasn’t used it to dominate people: he didn’t care to. He simply looks through ‘em all like windows. Makes me feel like the fellows who think they’re made of glass. The mitigating circumstance is that he seems to see such a glorious landscape through me.” Wade grinned at the thought of serving such a purpose.
“He’s done a lot of manual work, but that’s not what his hands are really for. I should mention they are incredibly sensitive to feelings. And his eye—his eye too. He hasn’t used it to control others: he wasn’t interested in that. He just looks through everyone like they’re windows. It makes me feel like those guys who think they’re made of glass. The good thing is, he seems to see such a beautiful landscape through me.” Wade smiled at the idea of serving such a role.
“I see. I’ll come on Sunday and be looked through!” Bernald cried.
“I get it. I’ll come on Sunday and get checked out!” Bernald exclaimed.
II
BERNALD came on two successive Sundays; and the second time he lingered till the Tuesday.
BERNALD came on two consecutive Sundays; and the second time he stayed until Tuesday.
“Here he comes!” Wade had said, the first evening, as the two young men, with Wade’s mother sat in the sultry dusk, with the Virginian creeper drawing, between the verandah arches, its black arabesques against a moon-lined sky.
“Here he comes!” Wade said on the first evening, as the two young men, along with Wade’s mother, sat in the warm dusk, with the Virginia creeper creating black patterns against the moonlit sky between the porch arches.
In the darkness Bernald heard a step on the gravel, and saw the red flit of a cigar through the shrubs. Then a loosely-moving figure obscured the patch of sky between the creepers, and the red spark became the centre of a dim bearded face, in which Bernald discerned only a broad white gleam of forehead.
In the darkness, Bernald heard footsteps on the gravel and saw the red glow of a cigar through the bushes. Then a casually moving figure blocked the patch of sky between the vines, and the red spark turned into the center of a dim, bearded face, where Bernald could only make out a wide white shine on the forehead.
It was the young man’s subsequent impression that Winterman had not spoken much that first evening; at any rate, Bernald himself remembered chiefly what the Wades had said. And this was the more curious because he had come for the purpose of studying their visitor, and because there was nothing to divert him from that purpose in Wade’s halting communications or his mother’s artless comments. He reflected afterward that there must have been a mysteriously fertilizing quality in the stranger’s silence: it had brooded over their talk like a large moist cloud above a dry country.
It was the young man's impression afterward that Winterman hadn't said much that first evening; anyway, Bernald mainly remembered what the Wades had said. This was even more interesting since he had come to study their guest, and there was nothing to distract him from that goal in Wade's hesitant remarks or his mother's straightforward comments. He later thought that there must have been something mysteriously enriching about the stranger's silence: it hung over their conversation like a big, damp cloud over a parched land.
Mrs. Wade, apparently apprehensive lest her son should have given Bernald an exaggerated notion of their visitor’s importance, had hastened to qualify it before the latter appeared.
Mrs. Wade, seemingly worried that her son might have given Bernald an inflated idea of their visitor's significance, quickly moved to downplay it before the latter arrived.
“He’s not what you or Howland would call intellectual—“(Bernald writhed at the coupling of the names)—“not in the least literary; though he told Bob he used to write. I don’t think, though, it could have been what Howland would call writing.” Mrs. Wade always mentioned her younger son with a reverential drop of the voice. She viewed literature much as she did Providence, as an inscrutably mystery; and she spoke of Howland as a dedicated being, set apart to perform secret rites within the veil of the sanctuary.
“He’s not what you or Howland would call intellectual—“(Bernald wriggled at the combination of the names)—“not at all literary; though he told Bob he used to write. I don’t think, though, it could have been what Howland would consider writing.” Mrs. Wade always mentioned her younger son with a respectful drop in her voice. She viewed literature much like she did Providence, as an unknowable mystery; and she spoke of Howland as a devoted person, set apart to perform secret rituals behind the curtain of the sanctuary.
“I shouldn’t say he had a quick mind,” she continued, reverting apologetically to Winterman. “Sometimes he hardly seems to follow what we’re saying. But he’s got such sound ideas—when he does speak he’s never silly. And clever people sometimes are, don’t you think so?” Bernald groaned an unqualified assent. “And he’s so capable. The other day something went wrong with the kitchen range, just as I was expecting some friends of Bob’s for dinner; and do you know, when Mr. Winterman heard we were in trouble, he came and took a look, and knew at once what to do? I told him it was a dreadful pity he wasn’t married!”
“I shouldn’t say he has a quick mind,” she continued, apologizing as she spoke about Winterman. “Sometimes he doesn’t seem to grasp what we’re talking about. But he has such good ideas—when he does speak, he’s never foolish. And smart people sometimes can be, don’t you think?” Bernald groaned in total agreement. “And he’s so capable. The other day something went wrong with the kitchen stove, just when I was expecting some friends of Bob’s for dinner; and you know, when Mr. Winterman heard we were having issues, he came over, took a look, and immediately knew what to do? I told him it was such a shame he wasn’t married!”
Close on midnight, when the session on the verandah ended, and the two young men were strolling down to the bungalow at Winterman’s side, Bernald’s mind reverted to the image of the fertilizing cloud. There was something brooding, pregnant, in the silent presence beside him: he had, in place of any circumscribing impression of the individual, a large hovering sense of manifold latent meanings. And he felt a distinct thrill of relief when, half-way down the lawn, Doctor Bob was checked by a voice that called him back to the telephone.
Close to midnight, as the session on the porch ended and the two young men were walking down to the bungalow with Winterman, Bernald's thoughts drifted back to the image of the fertilizing cloud. There was something deep and significant in the quiet presence next to him; instead of a clear impression of the person, he felt a strong sense of many hidden meanings. He felt a noticeable thrill of relief when, halfway down the lawn, Doctor Bob was interrupted by a voice calling him back to the phone.
“Now I’ll be with him alone!” thought Bernald, with a throb like a lover’s.
“Now I'll be alone with him!” thought Bernald, with a pulse like a lover’s.
In the low-ceilinged bungalow Winterman had to grope for the lamp on his desk, and as its light struck up into his face Bernald’s sense of the rareness of his opportunity increased. He couldn’t have said why, for the face, with its ridged brows, its shabby greyish beard and blunt Socratic nose, made no direct appeal to the eye. It seemed rather like a stage on which remarkable things might be enacted, like some shaggy moorland landscape dependent for form and expression on the clouds rolling over it, and the bursts of light between; and one of these flashed out in the smile with which Winterman, as if in answer to his companion’s thought, said simply, as he turned to fill his pipe: “Now we’ll talk.”
In the low-ceilinged bungalow, Winterman had to feel around for the lamp on his desk, and as its light lit up his face, Bernald's sense of how rare this chance was grew. He couldn't pinpoint why, since the face—with its furrowed brows, shabby gray beard, and blunt Socratic nose—didn’t really capture the eye. It felt more like a stage where remarkable things could happen, similar to a rugged moorland landscape relying on the clouds above for shape and expression, along with the bursts of light in between. One of these moments shone through in the smile Winterman gave, as if acknowledging his companion’s thoughts, as he casually turned to fill his pipe and said, "Now we’ll talk."
So he’d known all along that they hadn’t yet—and had guessed that, with Bernald, one might!
So he had always known that they hadn't done that yet—and suspected that, with Bernald, it was possible!
The young man’s glow of pleasure was so intense that it left him for a moment unable to meet the challenge; and in that moment he felt the brush of something winged and summoning. His spirit rose to it with a rush; but just as he felt himself poised between the ascending pinions, the door opened and Bob Wade plunged in.
The young man's expression of joy was so strong that it temporarily left him unable to face the challenge; and in that instant, he sensed something ethereal and beckoning. His spirit soared towards it in an exhilarating surge; but just as he felt himself balanced between the rising wings, the door swung open and Bob Wade rushed in.
“Too bad! I’m so sorry! It was from Howland, to say he can’t come to-morrow after all.” The doctor panted out his news with honest grief.
“That's too bad! I'm really sorry! It was from Howland, saying he can't come tomorrow after all.” The doctor breathed out his news with genuine sorrow.
“I tried my best to pull it off for you; and my brother wants to come—he’s keen to talk to you and see what he can do. But you see he’s so tremendously in demand. He’ll try for another Sunday later on.”
“I did my best to make it happen for you; and my brother wants to come—he's really eager to talk to you and see how he can help. But you know he's super popular. He'll try for another Sunday later on.”
Winterman nodded with a whimsical gesture. “Oh, he’ll find me here. I shall work my time out slowly.” He pointed to the scattered sheets on the kitchen table which formed his writing desk.
Winterman nodded with a playful gesture. “Oh, he’ll track me down here. I’ll take my time working.” He pointed to the scattered sheets on the kitchen table that served as his writing desk.
“Not slowly enough to suit us,” Wade answered hospitably. “Only, if Howland could have come he might have given you a tip or two—put you on the right track—shown you how to get in touch with the public.”
“Not slowly enough for our liking,” Wade replied kindly. “If Howland could have made it, he might have given you a tip or two—set you on the right path—shown you how to connect with the public.”
Winterman, his hands in his sagging pockets, lounged against the bare pine walls, twisting his pipe under his beard. “Does your brother enjoy the privilege of that contact?” he questioned gravely.
Winterman, with his hands in his sagging pockets, leaned against the bare pine walls, fiddling with his pipe under his beard. “Does your brother get to enjoy the benefits of that connection?” he asked seriously.
Wade stared a little. “Oh, of course Howland’s not what you’d call a popular writer; he despises that kind of thing. But whatever he says goes with—well, with the chaps that count; and every one tells me he’s written the book on Pellerin. You must read it when you get back your eyes.” He paused, as if to let the name sink in, but Winterman drew at his pipe with a blank face. “You must have heard of Pellerin, I suppose?” the doctor continued. “I’ve never read a word of him myself: he’s too big a proposition for me. But one can’t escape the talk about him. I have him crammed down my throat even in hospital. The internes read him at the clinics. He tumbles out of the nurses’ pockets. The patients keep him under their pillows. Oh, with most of them, of course, it’s just a craze, like the last new game or puzzle: they don’t understand him in the least. Howland says that even now, twenty-five years after his death, and with his books in everybody’s hands, there are not twenty people who really understand Pellerin; and Howland ought to know, if anybody does. He’s—what’s their great word?—interpreted him. You must get Howland to put you through a course of Pellerin.”
Wade stared for a moment. “Oh, of course Howland isn’t what you’d call a popular writer; he hates that kind of thing. But whatever he says matters to—well, to the people who really count; and everyone tells me he’s written the book on Pellerin. You have to read it when your eyes are better.” He paused, as if waiting for the name to register, but Winterman just smoked his pipe with a blank look. “You’ve heard of Pellerin, I assume?” the doctor continued. “I’ve never read a single word of his: he’s too big of a deal for me. But you can’t avoid the conversation about him. I get it shoved down my throat even in the hospital. The interns read him at the clinics. He comes out of the nurses’ pockets. The patients keep him under their pillows. Oh, for most of them, it’s just a passing fad, like the latest game or puzzle: they don’t get him at all. Howland says that even now, twenty-five years after his death, and with his books in everyone’s hands, there are not even twenty people who truly understand Pellerin; and Howland would know, if anyone does. He’s—what’s the buzzword?—interpreted him. You need to get Howland to give you a crash course on Pellerin.”
And as the young men, having taken leave of Winterman, retraced their way across the lawn, Wade continued to develop the theme of his brother’s accomplishments.
And as the young men said goodbye to Winterman and walked back across the lawn, Wade kept talking about his brother’s achievements.
“I wish I could get Howland to take an interest in Winterman: this is the third Sunday he’s chucked us. Of course he does get bored with people consulting him about their writings—but I believe if he could only talk to Winterman he’d see something in him, as we do. And it would be such a god-send to the poor man to have some one to advise him about his work. I’m going to make a desperate effort to get Howland here next Sunday.”
“I wish I could get Howland to take an interest in Winterman: this is the third Sunday he’s blown us off. Of course he gets bored with people asking him for advice about their writing—but I believe if he could just talk to Winterman he’d see something in him, like we do. It would be such a blessing for the poor guy to have someone to help him with his work. I’m going to make a serious effort to get Howland here next Sunday.”
It was then that Bernald vowed to himself that he would return the next Sunday at all costs. He hardly knew whether he was prompted by the impulse to shield Winterman from Howland Wade’s ineptitude, or by the desire to see the latter abandon himself to the full shamelessness of its display; but of one fact he was blissfully assured—and that was of the existence in Winterman of some quality which would provoke Howland to the amplest exercise of his fatuity. “How he’ll draw him—how he’ll draw him!” Bernald chuckled, with a security the more unaccountable that his one glimpse of Winterman had shown the latter only as a passive subject for experimentation; and he felt himself avenged in advance for the injury of Howland Wade’s existence.
It was then that Bernald promised himself that he would return the next Sunday at all costs. He wasn’t sure if he was driven by the urge to protect Winterman from Howland Wade’s incompetence or by the need to see Wade fully indulge in his own ridiculousness; but he was completely certain of one thing—Winterman had some quality that would provoke Howland to fully showcase his foolishness. “How he’ll attract him—how he’ll attract him!” Bernald chuckled, feeling a confidence that was even more puzzling since his one encounter with Winterman had only shown him as someone who could be taken advantage of; and he felt a sense of revenge prepared in advance for the annoyance of Howland Wade’s existence.
III
THAT this hope was to be frustrated Bernald learned from Howland Wade’s own lips, the day before the two young men were to meet at Portchester.
THAT this hope would be dashed, Bernald learned from Howland Wade’s own words, the day before the two young men were supposed to meet at Portchester.
“I can’t really, my dear fellow,” the Interpreter lisped, passing a polished hand over the faded smoothness of his face. “Oh, an authentic engagement, I assure you: otherwise, to oblige old Bob I’d submit cheerfully to looking over his foundling’s literature. But I’m pledged this week to the Pellerin Society of Kenosha: I had a hand in founding it, and for two years now they’ve been patiently waiting for a word from me—the Fiat Lux, so to speak. You see it’s a ministry, Bernald—I assure you, I look upon my calling quite religiously.”
“I can’t really, my dear friend,” the Interpreter said, running a polished hand over the faded smoothness of his face. “Oh, it’s a genuine commitment, I promise you: otherwise, to help old Bob, I’d happily go through his foundling’s literature. But I’m committed this week to the Pellerin Society of Kenosha: I helped start it, and for two years now they’ve been patiently waiting to hear from me—the Fiat Lux, so to speak. You see, it’s a ministry, Bernald—I assure you, I take my calling quite seriously.”
As Bernald listened, his disappointment gradually changed to relief. Howland, on trial, always turned out to be too insufferable, and the pleasure of watching his antics was invariably lost in the impulse to put a sanguinary end to them.
As Bernald listened, his disappointment slowly shifted to relief. Howland, during the trial, always ended up being unbearable, and the enjoyment of watching his antics was always overshadowed by the urge to put a bloody stop to them.
“If he’d only keep his beastly pink hands off Pellerin,” Bernald groaned, thinking of the thick manuscript condemned to perpetual incarceration in his own desk by the publication of Howland’s “definitive” work on the great man. One couldn’t, after Howland Wade, expose one’s self to the derision of writing about Pellerin: the eagerness with which Wade’s book had been devoured proved, not that the public had enough appetite for another, but simply that, for a stomach so undiscriminating, anything better than Wade had given it would be too good. And Bernald, in the confidence that his own work was open to this objection, had stoically locked it up. Yet if he had resigned his exasperated intelligence to the fact that Wade’s book existed, and was already passing into the immortality of perpetual republication, he could not, after repeated trials, adjust himself to the author’s talk about Pellerin. When Wade wrote of the great dead he was egregious, but in conversation he was familiar and fond. It might have been supposed that one of the beauties of Pellerin’s hidden life and mysterious taking off would have been to guard him from the fingering of anecdote; but biographers like Howland Wade were born to rise above such obstacles. He might be vague or inaccurate in dealing with the few recorded events of his subject’s life; but when he left fact for conjecture no one had a firmer footing. Whole chapters in his volume were constructed in the conditional mood and packed with hypothetical detail; and in talk, by the very law of the process, hypothesis became affirmation, and he was ready to tell you confidentially the exact circumstances of Pellerin’s death, and of the “distressing incident” leading up to it. Bernald himself not only questioned the form under which this incident was shaping itself before posterity, but the mere radical fact of its occurrence: he had never been able to discover any break in the dense cloud enveloping Pellerin’s later life and its mysterious termination. He had gone away—that was all that any of them knew: he who had so little, at any time, been with them or of them; and his going had so slightly stirred the public consciousness that even the subsequent news of his death, laconically imparted from afar, had dropped unheeded into the universal scrap-basket, to be long afterward fished out, with all its details missing, when some enquiring spirit first became aware, by chance encounter with a two-penny volume in a London book-stall, not only that such a man as John Pellerin had died, but that he had ever lived, or written.
“If he’d just keep his annoying pink hands off Pellerin,” Bernald groaned, thinking about the bulky manuscript stuck forever in his own desk thanks to Howland’s “definitive” work on the great man. After Howland Wade, you really couldn’t set yourself up for ridicule by writing about Pellerin: the eagerness with which Wade’s book had been consumed didn’t show that the public was hungry for another, but simply that for a readership so indiscriminate, anything better than Wade’s would be too good to pass up. And Bernald, confident that his own work faced the same problem, had stoically locked it away. Yet, even though he had accepted the frustrating reality that Wade’s book existed and was already cementing its place in the ever-repeating cycle of publication, he couldn’t, after multiple attempts, get used to the author’s casual talk about Pellerin. When Wade wrote about the great deceased, he was ridiculous, but in conversation, he was friendly and affectionate. You might think that one of the charms of Pellerin’s secretive life and mysterious end would protect him from being gossiped about; but biographers like Howland Wade were destined to overcome such challenges. He might be vague or incorrect when discussing the few documented events of his subject's life, but once he moved from fact to speculation, no one had a stronger footing. Entire chapters in his book were crafted in the conditional mood and stuffed with hypothetical details; and in conversation, following the very nature of the process, guesses turned into declarations, and he was ready to confidentially share the exact circumstances of Pellerin’s death and the “distressing incident” that led to it. Bernald himself not only doubted the way this incident was being shaped for posterity but also the very fact that it had occurred: he had never been able to find a break in the thick fog surrounding Pellerin’s later life and its mysterious end. He had just disappeared—that was all any of them knew: he who had so rarely been with them or part of them; and his departure had barely stirred the public’s awareness to the point that even the subsequent news of his death, briefly communicated from afar, had dropped unheeded into the universal scrap-basket, only to be discovered much later, with all its details missing, when some curious soul first stumbled upon a cheap book in a London stall, realizing not only that a man named John Pellerin had died, but that he had ever lived or written.
It need hardly be noted that Howland Wade had not been the pioneer in question: his had been the wiser part of swelling the chorus when it rose, and gradually drowning the other voices by his own insistent note. He had pitched the note so screamingly, and held it so long, that he was now the accepted authority on Pellerin, not only in the land which had given birth to his genius but in the Europe which had first acclaimed it; and it was the central point of pain in Bernald’s sense of the situation that a man who had so yearned for silence as Pellerin should have his grave piped over by such a voice as Wade’s.
It hardly needs to be said that Howland Wade was not the original pioneer: he played it smart by joining the chorus when it started, gradually drowning out the other voices with his own loud tone. He had sung so loudly and for so long that he was now regarded as the go-to expert on Pellerin, not just in the country where his talent was born but also in the Europe that first celebrated it; and it was a source of deep frustration for Bernald that a man who had longed for silence, like Pellerin, should have his legacy overshadowed by someone like Wade.
Bernald’s talk with the Interpreter had revived this ache to the momentary exclusion of other sensations; and he was still sore with it when, the next afternoon, he arrived at Portchester for his second Sunday with the Wades.
Bernald's conversation with the Interpreter had brought back this pain, temporarily blocking out all other feelings; and he still felt sore from it when, the next afternoon, he arrived at Portchester for his second Sunday with the Wades.
At the station he had the surprise of seeing Winterman’s face on the platform, and of hearing from him that Doctor Bob had been called away to assist at an operation in a distant town.
At the station, he was surprised to see Winterman's face on the platform and to hear from him that Doctor Bob had been called away to help with an operation in a faraway town.
“Mrs. Wade wanted to put you off, but I believe the message came too late; so she sent me down to break the news to you,” said Winterman, holding out his hand.
“Mrs. Wade wanted to delay you, but I think the message arrived too late; so she sent me to tell you,” said Winterman, extending his hand.
Perhaps because they were the first conventional words that Bernald had heard him speak, the young man was struck by the relief his intonation gave them.
Perhaps because they were the first normal words that Bernald had heard him say, the young man felt a sense of relief from the way he spoke them.
“She wanted to send a carriage,” Winterman added, “but I told her we’d walk back through the woods.” He looked at Bernald with a sudden kindness that flushed the young man with pleasure.
“She wanted to send a carriage,” Winterman added, “but I told her we’d walk back through the woods.” He looked at Bernald with a sudden kindness that made the young man feel a rush of happiness.
“Are you strong enough? It’s not too far?”
“Are you strong enough? It’s not too far?”
“Oh, no. I’m pulling myself together. Getting back to work is the slowest part of the business: not on account of my eyes—I can use them now, though not for reading; but some of the links between things are missing. It’s a kind of broken spectrum ... here, that boy will look after your bag.”
“Oh, no. I'm getting myself together. Getting back to work is the slowest part of the job: not because of my eyes—I can use them now, just not for reading; but some of the connections between things are missing. It's like a broken spectrum ... here, that kid will take care of your bag.”
The walk through the woods remained in Bernald’s memory as an enchanted hour. He used the word literally, as descriptive of the way in which Winterman’s contact changed the face of things, or perhaps restored them to their primitive meanings. And the scene they traversed—one of those little untended woods that still, in America, fringe the tawdry skirts of civilization—acquired, as a background to Winterman, the hush of a spot aware of transcendent visitings. Did he talk, or did he make Bernald talk? The young man never knew. He recalled only a sense of lightness and liberation, as if the hard walls of individuality had melted, and he were merged in the poet’s deeper interfusion, yet without losing the least sharp edge of self. This general impression resolved itself afterward into the sense of Winterman’s wide elemental range. His thought encircled things like the horizon at sea. He didn’t, as it happened, touch on lofty themes—Bernald was gleefully aware that, to Howland Wade, their talk would hardly have been Talk at all—but Winterman’s mind, applied to lowly topics, was like a powerful lens that brought out microscopic delicacies and differences.
The walk through the woods stayed in Bernald’s mind as a magical hour. He meant that literally, describing how Winterman’s presence changed everything, or maybe brought things back to their original meanings. And the scene they passed through—one of those small, neglected woods that still, in America, borders the cheap edges of civilization—felt, alongside Winterman, like a place aware of something extraordinary happening. Did he talk, or did he get Bernald to talk? The young man never figured it out. He only remembered a feeling of lightness and freedom, as if the rigid barriers of individuality had melted away, and he was blended into the poet’s deeper connection, yet without losing any sense of self. This overall feeling later turned into an awareness of Winterman’s vast, fundamental perspective. His thoughts swept around like the horizon at sea. He didn’t, as it turned out, discuss lofty subjects—Bernald amusingly realized that, to Howland Wade, their conversation wouldn't have felt like Talk at all—but Winterman’s mind, focused on mundane topics, was like a strong lens that highlighted tiny details and differences.
The lack of Sunday trains kept Doctor Bob for two days on the scene of his surgical duties, and during those two days Bernald seized every moment of communion with his friend’s guest. Winterman, as Wade had said, was reticent as to his personal affairs, or rather as to the practical and material conditions to which the term is generally applied. But it was evident that, in Winterman’s case, the usual classification must be reversed, and that the discussion of ideas carried one much farther into his intimacy than any specific acquaintance with the incidents of his life.
The absence of Sunday trains kept Doctor Bob at his surgical duties for two days, and during that time, Bernald took every chance to connect with his friend’s guest. As Wade had mentioned, Winterman was reserved about his personal life, or more accurately, about the practical and material aspects usually associated with that term. However, it became clear that in Winterman’s situation, the usual understanding needed to be flipped, and that discussing ideas brought one much closer to his true self than knowing the specific events of his life.
“That’s exactly what Howland Wade and his tribe have never understood about Pellerin: that it’s much less important to know how, or even why, he disapp—”
“That’s exactly what Howland Wade and his group have never understood about Pellerin: that it’s much less important to know how, or even why, he disapp—”
Bernald pulled himself up with a jerk, and turned to look full at his companion. It was late on the Monday evening, and the two men, after an hour’s chat on the verandah to the tune of Mrs. Wade’s knitting-needles, had bidden their hostess good-night and strolled back to the bungalow together.
Bernald jerked himself upright and turned to face his companion. It was late on Monday evening, and the two men, after chatting for an hour on the porch while listening to Mrs. Wade's knitting needles, had said goodnight to their hostess and walked back to the bungalow together.
“Come and have a pipe before you turn in,” Winterman had said; and they had sat on together till midnight, with the door of the bungalow open on a heaving moonlit bay, and summer insects bumping against the chimney of the lamp. Winterman had just bent down to re-fill his pipe from the jar on the table, and Bernald, jerking about to catch him in the yellow circle of lamplight, sat speechless, staring at a fact that seemed suddenly to have substituted itself for Winterman’s face, or rather to have taken on its features.
“Come smoke a pipe before you head to bed,” Winterman had said; and they had sat together until midnight, with the door of the bungalow open to a churning moonlit bay, and summer insects bumping against the lamp's chimney. Winterman had just leaned down to refill his pipe from the jar on the table, and Bernald, twisting around to catch him in the yellow circle of lamplight, sat speechless, staring at a reality that seemed to suddenly replace Winterman’s face, or rather, to have adopted its features.
“No, they never saw that Pellerin’s ideas were Pellerin. ...” He continued to stare at Winterman. “Just as this man’s ideas are—why, are Pellerin!”
“No, they never saw that Pellerin’s ideas were Pellerin. ...” He continued to stare at Winterman. “Just like this man's ideas are—why, are Pellerin!”
The thought uttered itself in a kind of inner shout, and Bernald started upright with the violent impact of his conclusion. Again and again in the last forty-eight hours he had exclaimed to himself: “This is as good as Pellerin.” Why hadn’t he said till now: “This is Pellerin”? ... Surprising as the answer was, he had no choice but to take it. He hadn’t said so simply because Winterman was better than Pellerin—that there was so much more of him, so to speak. Yes; but—it came to Bernald in a flash—wouldn’t there by this time have been any amount more of Pellerin? ... The young man felt actually dizzy with the thought. That was it—there was the solution of the haunting problem! This man was Pellerin, and more than Pellerin! It was so fantastic and yet so unanswerable that he burst into a sudden startled laugh.
The thought shouted in his mind, and Bernald sat up straight, struck by the force of his realization. Over the past forty-eight hours, he had repeatedly told himself, “This is as good as Pellerin.” Why hadn’t he just said, “This is Pellerin”? ... The answer was surprising, but he had to accept it. He hadn’t said it simply because Winterman was better than Pellerin—there was so much more to him, so to speak. Yes; but—it suddenly occurred to Bernald—wouldn’t there by now have been so much more of Pellerin? ... The young man felt genuinely dizzy with the thought. That was it—there was the answer to the nagging problem! This man was Pellerin and more than Pellerin! It was so unbelievable and yet so undeniable that he burst into a sudden, startled laugh.
Winterman, at the same moment, brought his palm down with a sudden crash on the pile of manuscript covering the desk.
Winterman, at that moment, slammed his hand down hard on the stack of manuscripts covering the desk.
“What’s the matter?” Bernald gasped.
"What's wrong?" Bernald gasped.
“My match wasn’t out. In another minute the destruction of the library of Alexandria would have been a trifle compared to what you’d have seen.” Winterman, with his large deep laugh, shook out the smouldering sheets. “And I should have been a pensioner on Doctor Bob the Lord knows how much longer!”
“My match wasn’t out. In another minute, the destruction of the Library of Alexandria would have seemed insignificant compared to what you’d have witnessed.” Winterman, with his big, hearty laugh, shook out the smoldering sheets. “And I would have been relying on Doctor Bob’s support for who knows how much longer!”
Bernald pulled himself together. “You’ve really got going again? The thing’s actually getting into shape?”
Bernald pulled himself together. “You’ve really gotten back to it? Is this thing actually coming together?”
“This particular thing is in shape. I drove at it hard all last week, thinking our friend’s brother would be down on Sunday, and might look it over.”
“This specific thing is in shape. I went after it pretty hard all of last week, thinking our friend's brother would be here on Sunday and might take a look at it.”
Bernald had to repress the tendency to another wild laugh.
Bernald had to suppress the urge to break into another wild laugh.
“Howland—you meant to show Howland what you’ve done?”
“Howland—you intended to show Howland what you’ve done?”
Winterman, looming against the moonlight, slowly turned a dusky shaggy head toward him.
Winterman, silhouetted by the moonlight, gradually turned his dark, scruffy head toward him.
“Isn’t it a good thing to do?”
“Isn’t it a good thing to do?”
Bernald wavered, torn between loyalty to his friends and the grotesqueness of answering in the affirmative. After all, it was none of his business to furnish Winterman with an estimate of Howland Wade.
Bernald hesitated, caught between his loyalty to his friends and the awkwardness of saying yes. After all, it wasn’t his place to give Winterman an assessment of Howland Wade.
“Well, you see, you’ve never told me what your line is,” he answered, temporizing.
"Well, you know, you’ve never told me what you do," he replied, buying time.
“No, because nobody’s ever told me. It’s exactly what I want to find out,” said the other genially.
“No, because nobody’s ever told me. It’s exactly what I want to find out,” said the other cheerfully.
“And you expect Wade—?”
“And you expect Wade to—?”
“Why, I gathered from our good Doctor that it’s his trade. Doesn’t he explain—interpret?”
“Why, I heard from our good Doctor that it’s his job. Doesn’t he explain—interpret?”
“In his own domain—which is Pellerinism.”
“In his own field—which is Pellerinism.”
Winterman gazed out musingly upon the moon-touched dusk of waters. “And what is Pellerinism?” he asked.
Winterman looked thoughtfully at the moonlit evening water. “So, what is Pellerinism?” he asked.
Bernald sprang to his feet with a cry. “Ah, I don’t know—but you’re Pellerin!”
Bernald jumped up with a shout. “Oh, I don’t know—but you’re Pellerin!”
They stood for a minute facing each other, among the uncertain swaying shadows of the room, with the sea breathing through it as something immense and inarticulate breathed through young Bernald’s thoughts; then Winterman threw up his arms with a humorous gesture.
They stood for a minute facing each other, among the uncertain swaying shadows of the room, with the sea breathing through it like something huge and unspoken breathed through young Bernald’s thoughts; then Winterman raised his arms with a funny gesture.
“Don’t shoot!” he said.
“Don’t shoot!” he said.
IV
DAWN found them there, and the risen sun laid its beams on the rough floor of the bungalow, before either of the men was conscious of the passage of time. Bernald, vaguely trying to define his own state in retrospect, could only phrase it: “I floated ... floated. ...”
DAWN found them there, and the rising sun cast its rays on the uneven floor of the bungalow, before either man was aware of how much time had passed. Bernald, vaguely trying to understand his own state in hindsight, could only say: “I floated ... floated. ...”
The gist of fact at the core of the extraordinary experience was simply that John Pellerin, twenty-five years earlier, had voluntarily disappeared, causing the rumour of his death to be reported to an inattentive world; and that now he had come back to see what that world had made of him.
The essence of the situation at the heart of this remarkable experience was that John Pellerin had voluntarily vanished twenty-five years earlier, leading to rumors about his death spreading in a world that wasn’t paying attention; now, he had returned to see what that world had turned him into.
“You’ll hardly believe it of me; I hardly believe it of myself; but I went away in a rage of disappointment, of wounded pride—no, vanity! I don’t know which cut deepest—the sneers or the silence—but between them, there wasn’t an inch of me that wasn’t raw. I had just the one thing in me: the message, the cry, the revelation. But nobody saw and nobody listened. Nobody wanted what I had to give. I was like a poor devil of a tramp looking for shelter on a bitter night, in a town with every door bolted and all the windows dark. And suddenly I felt that the easiest thing would be to lie down and go to sleep in the snow. Perhaps I’d a vague notion that if they found me there at daylight, frozen stiff, the pathetic spectacle might produce a reaction, a feeling of remorse. ... So I took care to be found! Well, a good many thousand people die every day on the face of the globe; and I soon discovered that I was simply one of the thousands; and when I made that discovery I really died—and stayed dead a year or two. ... When I came to life again I was off on the under side of the world, in regions unaware of what we know as ‘the public.’ Have you any notion how it shifts the point of view to wake under new constellations? I advise any who’s been in love with a woman under Cassiopeia to go and think about her under the Southern Cross. ... It’s the only way to tell the pivotal truths from the others. ... I didn’t believe in my theory any less—there was my triumph and my vindication! It held out, resisted, measured itself with the stars. But I didn’t care a snap of my finger whether anybody else believed in it, or even knew it had been formulated. It escaped out of my books—my poor still-born books—like Psyche from the chrysalis and soared away into the blue, and lived there. I knew then how it frees an idea to be ignored; how apprehension circumscribes and deforms it. ... Once I’d learned that, it was easy enough to turn to and shift for myself. I was sure now that my idea would live: the good ones are self-supporting. I had to learn to be so; and I tried my hand at a number of things ... adventurous, menial, commercial. ... It’s not a bad thing for a man to have to live his life—and we nearly all manage to dodge it. Our first round with the Sphinx may strike something out of us—a book or a picture or a symphony; and we’re amazed at our feat, and go on letting that first work breed others, as some animal forms reproduce each other without renewed fertilization. So there we are, committed to our first guess at the riddle; and our works look as like as successive impressions of the same plate, each with the lines a little fainter; whereas they ought to be—if we touch earth between times—as different from each other as those other creatures—jellyfish, aren’t they, of a kind?—where successive generations produce new forms, and it takes a zoologist to see the hidden likeness. ...
"You'll hardly believe it, and I can barely believe it myself, but I left filled with rage from disappointment and wounded pride—no, vanity! I can’t tell what hurt more—the sneers or the silence—but together, they left me feeling exposed. All I had inside me was one thing: the message, the cry, the revelation. But no one saw or listened. Nobody wanted what I had to share. I felt like a homeless person searching for shelter on a freezing night in a town where every door was locked and all the windows were dark. Suddenly, I thought the easiest thing to do would be to lie down and fall asleep in the snow. Maybe a part of me hoped that if they found me frozen in the morning, it would make them feel something—remorse or guilt. ... So I made sure to be found! Well, thousands of people die every day around the world, and I soon realized I was just one of those thousands; and when I accepted that, I truly died—and stayed that way for a year or two. ... When I finally came back to life, I was in a completely different part of the world, far from what we call 'the public.' Do you have any idea how it changes your perspective to wake up under new stars? I recommend anyone who’s been in love with a woman under Cassiopeia to think about her while under the Southern Cross. ... It's the only way to separate the important truths from the rest. ... I didn't believe in my theory any less—there was my triumph and my validation! It persisted, resisted, and stood up to the stars. But I didn't care at all if anyone else believed in it or even knew it existed. It slipped away from my books—my poor, stillborn books—like Psyche emerging from the chrysalis and soaring into the sky, living there. I then understood how an idea thrives when ignored; how anxiety restricts and distorts it. ... Once I learned that, it was easy to fend for myself. I was now certain my idea would survive: the good ones can support themselves. I had to learn to do that; I tried my hand at a variety of things ... adventurous, menial, commercial. ... It’s not a bad thing for a man to live his life—and we almost all manage to avoid it. Our first encounter with the Sphinx may produce something—like a book or a picture or a symphony; we are amazed by our accomplishments and continue to let that first work lead to others, just as some animals reproduce without repeated fertilization. So there we are, committed to our initial attempt at solving the riddle; and our works resemble successive impressions from the same plate, each one a little fainter; when they should be—if we connect with the earth in between—different from one another, like those other creatures—jellyfish of a kind?—where successive generations create new forms, and only a zoologist can see the hidden similarities. ...
“Well, I proved my first guess, off there in the wilds, and it lived, and grew, and took care of itself. And I said ‘Some day it will make itself heard; but by that time my atoms will have waltzed into a new pattern.’ Then, in Cashmere one day, I met a fellow in a caravan, with a dog-eared book in his pocket. He said he never stirred without it—wanted to know where I’d been, never to have heard of it. It was my guess—in its twentieth edition! ... The globe spun round at that, and all of a sudden I was under the old stars. That’s the way it happens when the ballast of vanity shifts! I’d lived a third of a life out there, unconscious of human opinion—because I supposed it was unconscious of me. But now—now! Oh, it was different. I wanted to know what they said. ... Not exactly that, either: I wanted to know what I’d made them say. There’s a difference. ... And here I am,” said John Pellerin, with a pull at his pipe.
“Well, I proved my first guess out there in the wilderness, and it survived, grew, and took care of itself. I thought, ‘Someday it will make itself known; but by then, my atoms will have rearranged into a new form.’ Then, one day in Kashmir, I met a guy in a caravan who had a tattered book in his pocket. He said he never went anywhere without it—wanted to know where I’d been, having never heard of it. It was my guess—in its twentieth edition! … The world turned upside down at that, and suddenly I was under the old stars. That’s how it goes when the weight of vanity shifts! I’d lived a third of a life out there, unaware of human opinion—because I thought it was unaware of me. But now—now! Oh, it was different. I wanted to know what they were saying. … Not exactly that, either: I wanted to know what I’d made them say. There’s a difference. … And here I am,” said John Pellerin, taking a pull on his pipe.
So much Bernald retained of his companion’s actual narrative; the rest was swept away under the tide of wonder that rose and submerged him as Pellerin—at some indefinitely later stage of their talk—picked up his manuscript and began to read. Bernald sat opposite, his elbows propped on the table, his eyes fixed on the swaying waters outside, from which the moon gradually faded, leaving them to make a denser blackness in the night. As Pellerin read, this density of blackness—which never for a moment seemed inert or unalive—was attenuated by imperceptible degrees, till a greyish pallour replaced it; then the pallour breathed and brightened, and suddenly dawn was on the sea.
So much of what Bernald remembered from his friend's story was lost in the wave of amazement that engulfed him as Pellerin—some indefinite time later in their conversation—picked up his manuscript and started to read. Bernald sat across from him, resting his elbows on the table, his gaze locked on the moving waters outside, where the moon gradually disappeared, leaving a darker shade of black in the night. As Pellerin read, this deep darkness—which never seemed still or lifeless—slowly shifted, until a greyish hue took its place; then the grey brightened and suddenly dawn broke over the sea.
Something of the same nature went on in the young man’s mind while he watched and listened. He was conscious of a gradually withdrawing light, of an interval of obscurity full of the stir of invisible forces, and then of the victorious flush of day. And as the light rose, he saw how far he had travelled and what wonders the night had prepared. Pellerin had been right in saying that his first idea had survived, had borne the test of time; but he had given his hearer no hint of the extent to which it had been enlarged and modified, of the fresh implications it now unfolded. In a brief flash of retrospection Bernald saw the earlier books dwindle and fall into their place as mere precursors of this fuller revelation; then, with a leap of helpless rage, he pictured Howland Wade’s pink hands on the new treasure, and his prophetic feet upon the lecture platform.
Something similar was happening in the young man’s mind as he watched and listened. He felt the light gradually fading, an interval of darkness filled with the movement of unseen forces, and then the triumphant arrival of day. As the light increased, he realized how far he had come and the wonders the night had revealed. Pellerin had been right that his initial idea had endured and stood the test of time; however, he hadn’t hinted at how much it had expanded and changed, or the new meanings it now presented. In a brief moment of reflection, Bernald saw the earlier books shrink and settle into their role as mere precursors to this more complete revelation; then, with a surge of helpless anger, he imagined Howland Wade’s delicate hands on the new treasure, and his commanding presence on the lecture stage.
V
“IT won’t do—oh, he let him down as gently as possible; but it appears it simply won’t do.”
“It's just not going to work—oh, he eased him into it as gently as he could; but it seems it just won't work.”
Doctor Bob imparted the ineluctable fact to Bernald while the two men, accidentally meeting at their club a few nights later, sat together over the dinner they had immediately agreed to consume in company.
Doctor Bob revealed the unavoidable truth to Bernald while the two men, running into each other at their club a few nights later, sat together for the dinner they had quickly decided to share.
Bernald had left Portchester the morning after his strange discovery, and he and Bob Wade had not seen each other since. And now Bernald, moved by an irresistible instinct of postponement, had waited for his companion to bring up Winterman’s name, and had even executed several conversational diversions in the hope of delaying its mention. For how could one talk of Winterman with the thought of Pellerin swelling one’s breast?
Bernald had left Portchester the morning after his strange discovery, and he and Bob Wade hadn’t seen each other since. Now, Bernald, driven by an overwhelming urge to delay, had waited for his friend to bring up Winterman’s name, and had even changed the subject several times in hopes of avoiding it. After all, how could you discuss Winterman with thoughts of Pellerin weighing on your mind?
“Yes; the very day Howland got back from Kenosha I brought the manuscript to town, and got him to read it. And yesterday evening I nailed him, and dragged an answer out of him.”
“Yes; the very day Howland got back from Kenosha, I took the manuscript to town and got him to read it. Then yesterday evening, I pinned him down and got an answer out of him.”
“Then Howland hasn’t seen Winterman yet?”
“Then Howland still hasn't seen Winterman yet?”
“No. He said: ‘Before you let him loose on me I’ll go over the stuff, and see if it’s at all worth while.’”
“No. He said: ‘Before you let him loose on me, I’ll check the stuff and see if it’s worth anything.’”
Bernald drew a freer breath. “And he found it wasn’t?”
Bernald took a deeper breath. “And he realized it wasn’t?”
“Between ourselves, he found it was of no account at all. Queer, isn’t it, when the man ... but of course literature’s another proposition. Howland says it’s one of the cases where an idea might seem original and striking if one didn’t happen to be able to trace its descent. And this is straight out of bosh—by Pellerin. ... Yes: Pellerin. It seems that everything in the article that isn’t pure nonsense is just Pellerinism. Howland thinks poor Winterman must have been tremendously struck by Pellerin’s writings, and have lived too much out of the world to know that they’ve become the text-books of modern thought. Otherwise, of course, he’d have taken more trouble to disguise his plagiarisms.”
“Between us, he found it didn’t matter at all. Strange, isn’t it, when the man ... but of course literature is a whole different situation. Howland says this is one of those instances where an idea might seem original and impressive if you didn’t know its origins. And this is just complete nonsense—by Pellerin. ... Yes: Pellerin. It seems that everything in the article that isn’t absolute nonsense is just Pellerinism. Howland thinks poor Winterman must have been deeply influenced by Pellerin’s writings and lived too isolated from the world to realize they’ve become the standard texts of modern thought. Otherwise, of course, he’d have made more effort to cover up his plagiarism.”
“I see,” Bernald mused. “Yet you say there is an original element?”
“I see,” Bernald thought. “But you say there is an original element?”
“Yes; but unluckily it’s no good.”
"Yes, but unfortunately, it’s pointless."
“It’s not—conceivably—in any sense a development of Pellerin’s idea: a logical step farther?”
“It’s not—really—in any way a development of Pellerin’s idea: a logical step further?”
“Logical? Howland says it’s twaddle at white heat.”
“Logical? Howland says it’s nonsense at full blast.”
Bernald sat silent, divided between the fierce satisfaction of seeing the Interpreter rush upon his fate, and the despair of knowing that the state of mind he represented was indestructible. Then both emotions were swept away on a wave of pure joy, as he reflected that now, at last, Howland Wade had given him back John Pellerin.
Bernald sat quietly, torn between the intense satisfaction of watching the Interpreter confront his fate and the despair of realizing that the mindset he represented was unchangeable. Then both feelings were washed away by pure joy as he realized that, finally, Howland Wade had returned John Pellerin to him.
The possession was one he did not mean to part with lightly; and the dread of its being torn from him constrained him to extraordinary precautions.
The possession was one he didn’t intend to give up easily; and the fear of it being taken from him forced him to take extreme precautions.
“You’ve told Winterman, I suppose? How did he take it?”
“You told Winterman, right? How did he react?”
“Why, unexpectedly, as he does most things. You can never tell which way he’ll jump. I thought he’d take a high tone, or else laugh it off; but he did neither. He seemed awfully cast down. I wished myself well out of the job when I saw how cut up he was.” Bernald thrilled at the words. Pellerin had shared his pang, then—the “old woe of the world” at the perpetuity of human dulness!
“Why, unexpectedly, like he usually does. You can never predict how he'll react. I thought he would either act all sophisticated or just laugh it off; but he did neither. He looked really down. I wished I could escape the situation when I saw how upset he was.” Bernald felt a rush of excitement at the words. Pellerin had felt the same pain, then—the “old sorrow of the world” at the never-ending dullness of humanity!
“But what did he say to the charge of plagiarism—if you made it?”
“But what did he say in response to the accusation of plagiarism—if you did it?”
“Oh, I told him straight out what Howland said. I thought it fairer. And his answer to that was the rummest part of all.”
“Oh, I told him directly what Howland said. I thought it was fairer. And his response to that was the weirdest part of all.”
“What was it?” Bernald questioned, with a tremor.
“What was it?” Bernald asked, his voice shaking.
“He said: ‘That’s queer, for I’ve never read Pellerin.’”
“He said, ‘That’s strange, because I’ve never read Pellerin.’”
Bernald drew a deep breath of ecstasy. “Well—and I suppose you believed him?”
Bernald took a deep breath of excitement. “So, you actually believed him?”
“I believed him, because I know him. But the public won’t—the critics won’t. And if it’s a pure coincidence it’s just as bad for him as if it were a straight steal—isn’t it?”
“I believed him because I know him. But the public won’t—the critics won’t. And if it’s just a pure coincidence, it’s just as bad for him as if it were a direct steal—right?”
Bernald sighed his acquiescence.
Bernald sighed in agreement.
“It bothers me awfully,” Wade continued, knitting his kindly brows, “because I could see what a blow it was to him. He’s got to earn his living, and I don’t suppose he knows how to do anything else. At his age it’s hard to start fresh. I put that to Howland—asked him if there wasn’t a chance he might do better if he only had a little encouragement. I can’t help feeling he’s got the essential thing in him. But of course I’m no judge when it comes to books. And Howland says it would be cruel to give him any hope.” Wade paused, turned his wineglass about under a meditative stare, and then leaned across the table toward Bernald. “Look here—do you know what I’ve proposed to Winterman? That he should come to town with me to-morrow and go in the evening to hear Howland lecture to the Uplift Club. They’re to meet at Mrs. Beecher Bain’s, and Howland is to repeat the lecture that he gave the other day before the Pellerin Society at Kenosha. It will give Winterman a chance to get some notion of what Pellerin was: he’ll get it much straighter from Howland than if he tried to plough through Pellerin’s books. And then afterward—as if accidentally—I thought I might bring him and Howland together. If Howland could only see him and hear him talk, there’s no knowing what might come of it. He couldn’t help feeling the man’s force, as we do; and he might give him a pointer—tell him what line to take. Anyhow, it would please Winterman, and take the edge off his disappointment. I saw that as soon as I proposed it.”
“It really bothers me,” Wade continued, furrowing his kind brows, “because I could see how much of a blow it was to him. He has to make a living, and I doubt he knows how to do anything else. At his age, it’s tough to start over. I mentioned this to Howland—asked him if there was a chance he might do better with just a little encouragement. I can't shake the feeling that he has the essential qualities needed. But of course, I'm no expert when it comes to books. And Howland thinks it would be cruel to give him any false hope.” Wade paused, turned his wineglass around while deep in thought, then leaned across the table toward Bernald. “Look, do you know what I suggested to Winterman? That he come to town with me tomorrow and go to hear Howland's lecture for the Uplift Club in the evening. They’re meeting at Mrs. Beecher Bain’s, and Howland is repeating the lecture he gave the other day to the Pellerin Society in Kenosha. It’ll give Winterman a chance to get a clearer idea of what Pellerin was: he’ll get it much more directly from Howland than if he tried to wade through Pellerin’s books. And then afterward—as if by coincidence—I thought I might bring him and Howland together. If Howland could just see him and hear him talk, who knows what might happen? He would probably feel the man’s energy, like we do; and maybe he could offer some advice—tell him what direction to take. Anyway, it would make Winterman happy and help ease his disappointment. I realized that as soon as I suggested it.”
“Some one who’s never heard of Pellerin?”
“Someone who’s never heard of Pellerin?”
Mrs. Beecher Bain, large, smiling, diffuse, reached out parenthetically from the incoming throng on her threshold to waylay Bernald with the question as he was about to move past her in the wake of his companion.
Mrs. Beecher Bain, big, smiling, and friendly, reached out casually from the crowd at her doorstep to stop Bernald with a question just as he was about to walk by following his companion.
“Oh, keep straight on, Mr. Winterman!” she interrupted herself to call after the latter. “Into the back drawing-room, please! And remember, you’re to sit next to me—in the corner on the left, close under the platform.”
“Oh, keep going, Mr. Winterman!” she interrupted herself to call after him. “Into the back drawing-room, please! And remember, you’re sitting next to me—in the corner on the left, right under the platform.”
She renewed her interrogative clutch on Bernald’s sleeve. “Most curious! Doctor Wade has been telling me all about him—how remarkable you all think him. And it’s actually true that he’s never heard of Pellerin? Of course as soon as Doctor Wade told me that, I said ‘Bring him!’ It will be so extraordinarily interesting to watch the first impression.—Yes, do follow him, dear Mr. Bernald, and be sure that you and he secure the seats next to me. Of course Alice Fosdick insists on being with us. She was wild with excitement when I told her she was to meet some one who’d never heard of Pellerin!”
She tightened her grip on Bernald’s sleeve. “This is so interesting! Doctor Wade has been telling me all about him—how amazing you all think he is. And it’s actually true that he’s never heard of Pellerin? As soon as Doctor Wade mentioned that, I said, ‘Bring him!’ It will be so fascinating to see his first impression.—Yes, do follow him, dear Mr. Bernald, and make sure you both get seats next to me. Of course, Alice Fosdick insists on joining us. She was so excited when I told her she’d meet someone who’s never heard of Pellerin!”
On the indulgent lips of Mrs. Beecher Bain conjecture speedily passed into affirmation; and as Bernald’s companion, broad and shaggy in his visibly new evening clothes, moved down the length of the crowded rooms, he was already, to the ladies drawing aside their skirts to let him pass, the interesting Huron of the fable.
On the indulgent lips of Mrs. Beecher Bain, speculation quickly turned into certainty; and as Bernald’s companion, tall and unkempt in his obviously new evening attire, made his way through the crowded rooms, he had already become, to the ladies pulling back their skirts to let him through, the intriguing Huron from the fable.
How far he was aware of the character ascribed to him it was impossible for Bernald to discover. He was as unconscious as a tree or a cloud, and his observer had never known any one so alive to human contacts and yet so secure from them. But the scene was playing such a lively tune on Bernald’s own sensibilities that for the moment he could not adjust himself to the probable effect it produced on his companion. The young man, of late, had made but rare appearances in the group of which Mrs. Beecher Bain was one of the most indefatigable hostesses, and the Uplift Club the chief medium of expression. To a critic, obliged by his trade to cultivate convictions, it was the essence of luxury to leave them at home in his hours of ease; and Bernald gave his preference to circles in which less finality of judgment prevailed, and it was consequently less embarrassing to be caught without an opinion.
How aware he was of the reputation he had was impossible for Bernald to figure out. He was as unaware as a tree or a cloud, and his observer had never encountered anyone so in tune with human interactions yet so sheltered from them. But the scene was striking such a strong chord with Bernald’s own feelings that, for the moment, he couldn't process how it likely affected his companion. Recently, the young man had hardly appeared in the group where Mrs. Beecher Bain was one of the most tireless hosts, and the Uplift Club served as the main outlet for expression. For a critic, who had to maintain strong beliefs due to his job, it was a real luxury to leave those beliefs behind during his free time; Bernald preferred social circles where less finality of judgment existed, making it less awkward to be without an opinion.
But in his fresher days he had known the spell of the Uplift Club and the thrill of moving among the Emancipated; and he felt an odd sense of rejuvenation as he looked at the rows of faces packed about the embowered platform from which Howland Wade was presently to hand down the eternal verities. Many of these countenances belonged to the old days, when the gospel of Pellerin was unknown, and it required considerable intellectual courage to avow one’s acceptance of the very doctrines he had since demolished. The latter moral revolution seemed to have been accepted as submissively as a change in hair-dressing; and it even struck Bernald that, in the case of many of the assembled ladies, their convictions were rather newer than their clothes.
But in his younger days, he had experienced the allure of the Uplift Club and the excitement of being among the Emancipated; and he felt a strange sense of renewal as he looked at the rows of faces gathered around the leafy platform from which Howland Wade was about to share timeless truths. Many of these faces belonged to the past, when Pellerin's teachings were unknown, and it took a fair amount of intellectual bravery to admit one’s acceptance of the very principles he had since shattered. This recent moral shift seemed to have been embraced as easily as a new hairstyle; and it even occurred to Bernald that for many of the women present, their beliefs were actually more up-to-date than their outfits.
One of the most interesting examples of this facility of adaptation was actually, in the person of Miss Alice Fosdick, brushing his elbow with exotic amulets, and enveloping him in Arabian odours, as she leaned forward to murmur her sympathetic sense of the situation. Miss Fosdick, who was one of the most advanced exponents of Pellerinism, had large eyes and a plaintive mouth, and Bernald had always fancied that she might have been pretty if she had not been perpetually explaining things.
One of the most interesting examples of this ability to adapt was actually Miss Alice Fosdick, who brushed against his elbow with exotic amulets and enveloped him in Arabian scents as she leaned in to express her sympathetic understanding of the situation. Miss Fosdick, one of the leading advocates of Pellerinism, had large eyes and a sad-looking mouth, and Bernald always thought she might have been attractive if she wasn't always explaining things.
“Yes, I know—Isabella Bain told me all about him. (He can’t hear us, can he?) And I wonder if you realize how remarkably interesting it is that we should have such an opportunity now—I mean the opportunity to see the impression of Pellerinism on a perfectly fresh mind. (You must introduce him as soon as the lecture’s over.) I explained that to Isabella as soon as she showed me Doctor Wade’s note. Of course you see why, don’t you?” Bernald made a faint motion of acquiescence, which she instantly swept aside. “At least I think I can make you see why. (If you’re sure he can’t hear?) Why, it’s just this—Pellerinism is in danger of becoming a truism. Oh, it’s an awful thing to say! But then I’m not afraid of saying awful things! I rather believe it’s my mission. What I mean is, that we’re getting into the way of taking Pellerin for granted—as we do the air we breathe. We don’t sufficiently lead our conscious life in him—we’re gradually letting him become subliminal.” She swayed closer to the young man, and he saw that she was making a graceful attempt to throw her explanatory net over his companion, who, evading Mrs. Bain’s hospitable signal, had cautiously wedged himself into a seat between Bernald and the wall.
“Yes, I know—Isabella Bain told me all about him. (He can’t hear us, can he?) And I wonder if you realize how incredibly interesting it is that we have this opportunity now—I mean the chance to see how Pellerinism affects a completely fresh mind. (You have to introduce him as soon as the lecture’s over.) I explained that to Isabella as soon as she showed me Doctor Wade’s note. Of course, you understand why, don’t you?” Bernald gave a slight nod to show he agreed, but she immediately brushed it aside. “At least I think I can make you see why. (If you’re sure he can’t hear?) Well, it’s this—Pellerinism is at risk of becoming just a cliché. Oh, it’s a terrible thing to say! But I’m not afraid to say terrible things! I like to think it’s my purpose. What I mean is, we’re starting to take Pellerin for granted—as we do the air we breathe. We’re not consciously engaging with him enough—we’re slowly letting him fade into the background.” She moved closer to the young man, and he noticed she was trying to bring her explanation to his companion, who, avoiding Mrs. Bain’s welcoming gesture, had carefully tucked himself into a seat between Bernald and the wall.
“Did you hear what I was saying, Mr. Winterman? (Yes, I know who you are, of course!) Oh, well, I don’t really mind if you did. I was talking about you—about you and Pellerin. I was explaining to Mr. Bernald that what we need at this very minute is a Pellerin revival; and we need some one like you—to whom his message comes as a wonderful new interpretation of life—to lead the revival, and rouse us out of our apathy. ...
Did you catch what I was saying, Mr. Winterman? (Yes, I know who you are, of course!) Oh, I don’t really mind if you did or didn’t. I was talking about you—about you and Pellerin. I was telling Mr. Bernald that what we really need right now is a Pellerin revival; and we need someone like you—who sees his message as an amazing new take on life—to lead the revival and wake us up from our apathy. ...
“You see,” she went on winningly, “it’s not only the big public that needs it (of course their Pellerin isn’t ours!) It’s we, his disciples, his interpreters, who discovered him and gave him to the world—we, the Chosen People, the Custodians of the Sacred Books, as Howland Wade calls us—it’s we, who are in perpetual danger of sinking back into the old stagnant ideals, and practising the Seven Deadly Virtues; it’s we who need to count our mercies, and realize anew what he’s done for us, and what we ought to do for him! And it’s for that reason that I urged Mr. Wade to speak here, in the very inner sanctuary of Pellerinism, exactly as he would speak to the uninitiated—to repeat, simply, his Kenosha lecture, ‘What Pellerinism means’; and we ought all, I think, to listen to him with the hearts of little children—just as you will, Mr. Winterman—as if he were telling us new things, and we—”
“You see,” she continued appealingly, “it’s not just the larger audience that needs it (of course, their Pellerin isn’t ours!) It’s us, his followers, his interpreters, who discovered him and brought him to the world—we, the Chosen People, the Guardians of the Sacred Texts, as Howland Wade calls us—it’s we who are always at risk of slipping back into outdated ideals and practicing the Seven Deadly Virtues; it’s we who need to acknowledge our blessings and recognize once again what he’s done for us, and what we should do for him! That’s why I encouraged Mr. Wade to speak here, in the very heart of Pellerinism, just as he would to the uninitiated—to simply repeat his Kenosha lecture, ‘What Pellerinism means’; and I think we should all listen to him with the hearts of children—just like you will, Mr. Winterman—as if he’s sharing new ideas with us, and we—”
“Alice, dear—” Mrs. Bain murmured with a deprecating gesture; and Howland Wade, emerging between the palms, took the centre of the platform.
“Alice, dear—” Mrs. Bain said with a humble gesture; and Howland Wade, stepping out from between the palms, took center stage.
A pang of commiseration shot through Bernald as he saw him there, so innocent and so exposed. His plump pulpy body, which made his evening dress fall into intimate and wrapper-like folds, was like a wide surface spread to the shafts of irony; and the mild ripples of his voice seemed to enlarge the vulnerable area as he leaned forward, poised on confidential finger-tips, to say persuasively: “Let me try to tell you what Pellerinism means.”
A wave of sympathy hit Bernald when he saw him there, so innocent and so vulnerable. His soft, round body, which caused his evening dress to drape in close-fitting, almost wrapping folds, felt like a big target for mockery; and the gentle cadence of his voice seemed to amplify his defenselessness as he leaned in, balancing on his fingertips, to say convincingly: “Let me try to explain what Pellerinism is.”
Bernald moved restlessly in his seat. He had the obscure sense of being a party to something not wholly honourable. He ought not to have come; he ought not to have let his companion come. Yet how could he have done otherwise? John Pellerin’s secret was his own. As long as he chose to remain John Winterman it was no one’s business to gainsay him; and Bernald’s scruples were really justifiable only in respect of his own presence on the scene. But even in this connection he ceased to feel them as soon as Howland Wade began to speak.
Bernald fidgeted in his seat. He had a nagging feeling that he was part of something not entirely respectable. He shouldn’t have come; he shouldn’t have let his friend come either. But how could he have done anything differently? John Pellerin’s secret belonged to him. As long as he decided to stay John Winterman, no one had the right to challenge him; and Bernald's concerns were really only valid when it came to his own presence there. But as soon as Howland Wade started to speak, he stopped feeling that way.
VI
IT had been arranged that Pellerin, after the meeting of the Uplift Club, should join Bernald at his rooms and spend the night there, instead of returning to Portchester. The plan had been eagerly elaborated by the young man, but he had been unprepared for the alacrity with which his wonderful friend accepted it. He was beginning to see that it was a part of Pellerin’s wonderfulness to fall in, quite simply and naturally, with any arrangements made for his convenience, or tending to promote the convenience of others. Bernald felt that his extreme docility in such matters was proportioned to the force of resistance which, for nearly half a life-time, had kept him, with his back to the wall, fighting alone against the powers of darkness. In such a scale of values how little the small daily alternatives must weigh!
It was planned that Pellerin, after the meeting of the Uplift Club, would join Bernald at his place and spend the night there instead of going back to Portchester. The idea had been enthusiastically developed by the young man, but he hadn’t expected how eagerly his amazing friend would agree to it. He was starting to realize that part of Pellerin’s charm was his ability to easily go along with any plans made for his convenience or that helped others. Bernald felt that his extreme willingness in these matters matched the intense resistance he had faced for nearly half his life, fighting alone against dark forces. In this context, how trivial the small daily choices must seem!
At the close of Howland Wade’s discourse, Bernald, charged with his prodigious secret, had felt the need to escape for an instant from the liberated rush of talk. The interest of watching Pellerin was so perilously great that the watcher felt it might, at any moment, betray him. He lingered in the crowded drawing-room long enough to see his friend enclosed in a mounting tide, above which Mrs. Beecher Bain and Miss Fosdick actively waved their conversational tridents; then he took refuge, at the back of the house, in a small dim library where, in his younger days, he had discussed personal immortality and the problem of consciousness with beautiful girls whose names he could not remember.
At the end of Howland Wade’s talk, Bernald, burdened by his huge secret, felt the need to briefly escape from the whirlwind of conversation. The intensity of watching Pellerin was so dangerously high that he worried it might expose him at any moment. He stayed in the crowded living room just long enough to see his friend caught in a rising wave of chatter, where Mrs. Beecher Bain and Miss Fosdick were actively engaging with their conversational skills; then he took refuge in a small, dim library at the back of the house, where, in his younger days, he had debated personal immortality and the nature of consciousness with beautiful girls whose names he couldn’t remember.
In this retreat he surprised Mr. Beecher Bain, a quiet man with a mild brow, who was smoking a surreptitious cigar over the last number of the Strand. Mr. Bain, at Bernald’s approach, dissembled the Strand under a copy of the Hibbert Journal, but tendered his cigar-case with the remark that stocks were heavy again; and Bernald blissfully abandoned himself to this unexpected contact with reality.
In this retreat, he caught Mr. Beecher Bain off guard, a quiet guy with a gentle demeanor, who was secretly smoking a cigar while reading the latest issue of the Strand. When Bernald approached, Mr. Bain quickly hid the Strand under a copy of the Hibbert Journal, but offered his cigar case and commented that stocks were down again; and Bernald happily embraced this unexpected encounter with reality.
On his return to the drawing-room he found that the tide had set toward the supper-table, and when it finally carried him thither it was to land him in the welcoming arms of Bob Wade.
On his return to the living room, he found that everyone had moved toward the supper table, and when he finally got there, he ended up in the welcoming embrace of Bob Wade.
“Hullo, old man! Where have you been all this time?—Winterman? Oh, he’s talking to Howland: yes, I managed it finally. I believe Mrs. Bain has steered them into the library, so that they shan’t be disturbed. I gave her an idea of the situation, and she was awfully kind. We’d better leave them alone, don’t you think? I’m trying to get a croquette for Miss Fosdick.”
“Helloo, man! Where have you been all this time?—Winterman? Oh, he’s talking to Howland: yeah, I finally managed it. I think Mrs. Bain has taken them to the library, so they won’t be disturbed. I filled her in on the situation, and she was really nice about it. We should let them be alone, don’t you think? I’m trying to get a croquette for Miss Fosdick.”
Bernald’s secret leapt in his bosom, and he devoted himself to the task of distributing sandwiches and champagne while his pulses danced to the tune of the cosmic laughter. The vision of Pellerin and his Interpreter, face to face at last, had a Cyclopean grandeur that dwarfed all other comedy. “And I shall hear of it presently; in an hour or two he’ll be telling me about it. And that hour will be all mine—mine and his!” The dizziness of the thought made it difficult for Bernald to preserve the balance of the supper-plates he was distributing. Life had for him at that moment the completeness which seems to defy disintegration.
Bernald's secret bubbled inside him, and he threw himself into handing out sandwiches and champagne while his heart raced with joy. The sight of Pellerin and his Interpreter finally face to face was so magnificent that it made everything else seem trivial. “And I’ll hear about it soon; in an hour or two, he'll be telling me all about it. And that hour will be all mine—mine and his!” The thrill of this thought made it hard for Bernald to keep the plates steady as he served dinner. At that moment, life felt whole in a way that seemed impossible to break apart.
The throng in the dining-room was thickening, and Bernald’s efforts as purveyor were interrupted by frequent appeals, from ladies who had reached repleteness, that he should sit down a moment and tell them all about his interesting friend. Winterman’s fame, trumpeted abroad by Miss Fosdick, had reached the four corners of the Uplift Club, and Bernald found himself fabricating de toutes pieces a Winterman legend which should in some degree respond to the Club’s demand for the human document. When at length he had acquitted himself of this obligation, and was free to work his way back through the lessening groups into the drawing-room, he was at last rewarded by a glimpse of his friend, who, still densely encompassed, towered in the centre of the room in all his sovran ugliness.
The crowd in the dining room was growing thicker, and Bernald’s attempts as the caterer were frequently interrupted by requests from ladies who had eaten their fill, asking him to sit down for a moment and share stories about his interesting friend. Winterman’s reputation, shouted out by Miss Fosdick, had reached every corner of the Uplift Club, and Bernald found himself crafting a complete Winterman legend that would somewhat satisfy the Club’s desire for a real-life narrative. When he finally fulfilled this obligation and was free to make his way back through the thinning groups into the drawing room, he was finally rewarded with a glimpse of his friend, who, still surrounded by many people, stood towering in the center of the room in all his strikingly unattractive glory.
Their eyes met across the crowd; but Bernald gathered only perplexity from the encounter. What were Pellerin’s eyes saying to him? What orders, what confidences, what indefinable apprehension did their long look impart? The young man was still trying to decipher their complex message when he felt a tap on the arm, and turned to encounter the rueful gaze of Bob Wade, whose meaning lay clearly enough on the surface of his good blue stare.
Their eyes locked across the crowd, but all Bernald felt was confusion from the moment. What were Pellerin’s eyes trying to communicate? What instructions, what secrets, what unexplainable worries did their prolonged gaze carry? The young man was still attempting to decode their intricate message when he felt a tap on his arm and turned to see the regretful look of Bob Wade, whose intentions were obvious in his sincere blue eyes.
“Well, it won’t work—it won’t work,” the doctor groaned.
"Well, it’s not going to work—it’s not going to work," the doctor groaned.
“What won’t?”
"What will?"
“I mean with Howland. Winterman won’t. Howland doesn’t take to him. Says he’s crude—frightfully crude. And you know how Howland hates crudeness.”
“I mean with Howland. Winterman won’t. Howland doesn’t like him. Says he’s rude—really rude. And you know how Howland hates rudeness.”
“Oh, I know,” Bernald exulted. It was the word he had waited for—he saw it now! Once more he was lost in wonder at Howland’s miraculous faculty for always, as the naturalists said, being true to type.
“Oh, I know,” Bernald exclaimed. It was the word he had been waiting for—he saw it now! Once again, he was amazed by Howland’s incredible ability to always, as the naturalists would say, stay true to type.
“So I’m afraid it’s all up with his chance of writing. At least I can do no more,” said Wade, discouraged.
“So I’m afraid his chances of writing are all gone. At least I can’t do anything more,” said Wade, feeling discouraged.
Bernald pressed him for farther details. “Does Winterman seem to mind much? Did you hear his version?”
Bernald pressed him for more details. “Does Winterman seem to care much? Did you hear his side of the story?”
“His version?”
“His take?”
“I mean what he said to Howland.”
“I mean what he told Howland.”
“Why no. What the deuce was there for him to say?”
“Why not? What the heck was there for him to say?”
“What indeed? I think I’ll take him home,” said Bernald gaily.
“What indeed? I think I’ll take him home,” Bernald said cheerfully.
He turned away to join the circle from which, a few minutes before, Pellerin’s eyes had vainly and enigmatically signalled to him; but the circle had dispersed, and Pellerin himself was not in sight.
He turned away to join the group from which, a few minutes earlier, Pellerin’s eyes had signaled him in a mysterious and fruitless way; but the group had broken up, and Pellerin was nowhere to be seen.
Bernald, looking about him, saw that during his brief aside with Wade the party had passed into the final phase of dissolution. People still delayed, in diminishing groups, but the current had set toward the doors, and every moment or two it bore away a few more lingerers. Bernald, from his post, commanded the clearing perspective of the two drawing-rooms, and a rapid survey of their length sufficed to assure him that Pellerin was not in either. Taking leave of Wade, the young man made his way back to the drawing-room, where only a few hardened feasters remained, and then passed on to the library which had been the scene of the late momentous colloquy. But the library too was empty, and drifting back uncertainly to the inner drawing-room Bernald found Mrs. Beecher Bain domestically putting out the wax candles on the mantel-piece.
Bernald, looking around, noticed that during his brief conversation with Wade, the party had entered its final phase of winding down. People were still lingering in smaller groups, but the crowd was moving toward the exits, and every minute or so, a few more stragglers were swept away. From his vantage point, Bernald had a clear view of both drawing-rooms and a quick glance down their length confirmed that Pellerin was not in either one. After saying goodbye to Wade, the young man made his way back to the drawing-room, where only a few persistent guests remained, and then he continued on to the library, which had been the site of their recent important discussion. However, the library was also empty, and as he wandered back to the inner drawing-room, Bernald found Mrs. Beecher Bain tidying up by extinguishing the wax candles on the mantelpiece.
“Dear Mr. Bernald! Do sit down and have a little chat. What a wonderful privilege it has been! I don’t know when I’ve had such an intense impression.”
“Dear Mr. Bernald! Please, take a seat and let’s have a little conversation. What a wonderful opportunity this has been! I can’t remember the last time I felt such a strong impression.”
She made way for him, hospitably, in a corner of the sofa to which she had sunk; and he echoed her vaguely: “You were impressed, then?”
She moved aside to make space for him in a cozy corner of the sofa where she had settled, and he reflected her words vaguely: “So, you were impressed, then?”
“I can’t express to you how it affected me! As Alice said, it was a resurrection—it was as if John Pellerin were actually here in the room with us!”
“I can’t tell you how much it affected me! Like Alice said, it was a resurrection—it felt like John Pellerin was actually here in the room with us!”
Bernald turned on her with a half-audible gasp. “You felt that, dear Mrs. Bain?”
Bernald turned to her with a barely audible gasp. “You felt that, dear Mrs. Bain?”
“We all felt it—every one of us! I don’t wonder the Greeks—it was the Greeks?—regarded eloquence as a supernatural power. As Alice says, when one looked at Howland Wade one understood what they meant by the Afflatus.”
“We all felt it—every one of us! I don’t wonder if it was the Greeks who regarded eloquence as a supernatural power. As Alice says, when you looked at Howland Wade, you understood what they meant by the Afflatus.”
Bernald rose and held out his hand. “Oh, I see—it was Howland who made you feel as if Pellerin were in the room? And he made Miss Fosdick feel so too?”
Bernald got up and extended his hand. “Oh, I get it—it was Howland who made you feel like Pellerin was in the room? And he made Miss Fosdick feel that way too?”
“Why, of course. But why are you rushing off?”
“Of course. But why are you in such a hurry?”
“Because I must hunt up my friend, who’s not used to such late hours.”
"Because I need to find my friend, who isn't used to being out this late."
“Your friend?” Mrs. Bain had to collect her thoughts. “Oh, Mr. Winterman, you mean? But he’s gone already.”
“Your friend?” Mrs. Bain needed a moment to gather her thoughts. “Oh, you mean Mr. Winterman? But he’s already left.”
“Gone?” Bernald exclaimed, with an odd twinge of foreboding. Remembering Pellerin’s signal across the crowd, he reproached himself for not having answered it more promptly. Yet it was certainly strange that his friend should have left the house without him.
“Gone?” Bernald exclaimed, feeling an odd sense of unease. Remembering Pellerin’s signal through the crowd, he scolded himself for not responding to it faster. Yet it was definitely odd that his friend had left the house without him.
“Are you quite sure?” he asked, with a startled glance at the clock.
“Are you really sure?” he asked, glancing at the clock in surprise.
“Oh, perfectly. He went half an hour ago. But you needn’t hurry home on his account, for Alice Fosdick carried him off with her. I saw them leave together.”
“Oh, definitely. He left half an hour ago. But you don’t have to rush home for him, because Alice Fosdick took him with her. I saw them leave together.”
“Carried him off? She took him home with her, you mean?”
“Carried him off? You mean she took him home with her?”
“Yes. You know what strange hours she keeps. She told me she was going to give him a Welsh rabbit, and explain Pellerinism to him.”
“Yes. You know how odd her hours are. She told me she was going to make him a Welsh rabbit and explain Pellerinism to him.”
“Oh, if she’s going to explain—” Bernald murmured. But his amazement at the news struggled with a confused impatience to reach his rooms in time to be there for his friend’s arrival. There could be no stranger spectacle beneath the stars than that of John Pellerin carried off by Miss Fosdick, and listening, in the small hours, to her elucidation of his doctrines; but Bernald knew enough of his sex to be aware that such an experiment may present a less humorous side to its subject than to an impartial observer. Even the Uplift Club and its connotations might benefit by the attraction of the unknown; and it was conceivable that to a traveller from Mesopotamia Miss Fosdick might present elements of interest which she had lost for the frequenters of Fifth Avenue. There was, at any rate, no denying that the affair had become unexpectedly complex, and that its farther development promised to be rich in comedy.
“Oh, if she’s going to explain—” Bernald murmured. But his amazement at the news clashed with a restless impatience to get to his rooms in time for his friend’s arrival. There could be no stranger sight under the stars than John Pellerin being taken away by Miss Fosdick, listening in the early hours to her explanation of his ideas; but Bernald knew enough about men to realize that such an experience might seem less funny to the person involved than to an outside observer. Even the Uplift Club and its implications might gain from the allure of the unknown; and it was possible that for a traveler from Mesopotamia, Miss Fosdick could offer aspects of interest that she had lost on the regulars of Fifth Avenue. At any rate, there was no denying that the situation had become unexpectedly complicated, and that its further development promised to be full of comedy.
In the charmed contemplation of these possibilities Bernald sat over his fire, listening for Pellerin’s ring. He had arranged his modest quarters with the reverent care of a celebrant awaiting the descent of his deity. He guessed Pellerin to be unconscious of visual detail, but sensitive to the happy blending of sensuous impressions: to the intimate spell of lamplight on books, and of a deep chair placed where one could watch the fire. The chair was there, and Bernald, facing it across the hearth, already saw it filled by Pellerin’s lounging figure. The autumn dawn came late, and even now they had before them the promise of some untroubled hours. Bernald, sitting there alone in the warm stillness of his room, and in the profounder hush of his expectancy, was conscious of gathering up all his sensibilities and perceptions into one exquisitely-adjusted instrument of notation. Until now he had tasted Pellerin’s society only in unpremeditated snatches, and had always left him with a sense, on his own part, of waste and shortcoming. Now, in the lull of this dedicated hour, he felt that he should miss nothing, and forget nothing, of the initiation that awaited him. And catching sight of Pellerin’s pipe, he rose and laid it carefully on a table by the arm-chair.
In the calm consideration of these possibilities, Bernald sat by his fire, waiting for Pellerin to ring. He had set up his small space with the careful attention of someone anticipating the arrival of a revered guest. He guessed that Pellerin might not notice the visual details but would appreciate the pleasant mix of sensory experiences: the warm glow of the lamp on the books and the cozy chair positioned perfectly to watch the fire. The chair was there, and Bernald, looking at it across the hearth, could already imagine it occupied by Pellerin’s relaxed figure. The autumn dawn came late, and even now, they had ahead of them the promise of a few peaceful hours. Sitting alone in the warm stillness of his room, with the deeper quiet of his anticipation, Bernald felt like he was gathering all his senses and thoughts into one finely-tuned instrument of notation. Until now, he had only experienced Pellerin's company in spontaneous moments, always leaving with a sense of loss and insufficiency. But now, in this quiet hour dedicated to their meeting, he felt determined to miss nothing and forget nothing of the experience that awaited him. Spotting Pellerin’s pipe, he stood up and carefully placed it on a table next to the armchair.
“No. I’ve never had any news of him,” Bernald heard himself repeating. He spoke in a low tone, and with the automatic utterance that alone made it possible to say the words.
“No. I’ve never heard anything about him,” Bernald found himself saying again. He spoke quietly, with the kind of automatic response that made it possible to say the words.
They were addressed to Miss Fosdick, into whose neighbourhood chance had thrown him at a dinner, a year or so later than their encounter at the Uplift Club. Hitherto he had successfully, and intentionally, avoided Miss Fosdick, not from any animosity toward that unconscious instrument of fate, but from an intense reluctance to pronounce the words which he knew he should have to speak if they met.
They were sent to Miss Fosdick, who he had run into at a dinner about a year after their meeting at the Uplift Club. Until now, he had managed, on purpose, to stay away from Miss Fosdick, not because he held any grudge against that unwitting agent of fate, but because he was extremely reluctant to say the things he knew he would have to if they crossed paths.
Now, as it turned out, his chief surprise was that she should wait so long to make him speak them. All through the dinner she had swept him along on a rapid current of talk which showed no tendency to linger or turn back upon the past. At first he ascribed her reserve to a sense of delicacy with which he reproached himself for not having previously credited her; then he saw that she had been carried so far beyond the point at which they had last faced each other, that it was by the merest hazard of associated ideas that she was now finally borne back to it. For it appeared that the very next evening, at Mrs. Beecher Bain’s, a Hindu Mahatma was to lecture to the Uplift Club on the Limits of the Subliminal; and it was owing to no less a person than Howland Wade that this exceptional privilege had been obtained.
Now, as it turned out, his biggest surprise was that she waited so long to make him say them. Throughout dinner, she had kept the conversation flowing quickly without any signs of lingering or looking back at the past. At first, he thought her silence was due to a sense of delicacy he hadn’t given her credit for; then he realized that she had moved so far beyond where they had last confronted each other that it was only by the slightest chance of related thoughts that she was finally drawn back to it. It turned out that the very next evening, at Mrs. Beecher Bain’s, a Hindu Mahatma was scheduled to speak to the Uplift Club about the Limits of the Subliminal; and it was thanks to no less a person than Howland Wade that this unique opportunity had been arranged.
“Of course Howland’s known all over the world as the interpreter of Pellerinism, and the Aga Gautch, who had absolutely declined to speak anywhere in public, wrote to Isabella that he could not refuse anything that Mr. Wade asked. Did you know that Howland’s lecture, ‘What Pellerinism Means,’ has been translated into twenty-two languages, and gone into a fifth edition in Icelandic? Why, that reminds me,” Miss Fosdick broke off—“I’ve never heard what became of your queer friend—what was his name?—whom you and Bob Wade accused me of spiriting away after that very lecture. And I’ve never seen you since you rushed into the house the next morning, and dragged me out of bed to know what I’d done with him!”
“Of course, Howland is known all over the world as the interpreter of Pellerinism, and the Aga Gautch, who had completely refused to speak in public, wrote to Isabella saying he couldn’t turn down anything Mr. Wade asked. Did you know that Howland’s lecture, ‘What Pellerinism Means,’ has been translated into twenty-two languages and has reached a fifth edition in Icelandic? That reminds me,” Miss Fosdick paused—“I’ve never heard what happened to your odd friend—what was his name?—whom you and Bob Wade accused me of taking away after that very lecture. And I haven’t seen you since you rushed into the house the next morning and dragged me out of bed to ask what I’d done with him!”
With a sharp effort Bernald gathered himself together to have it out. “Well, what did you do with him?” he retorted.
With a strong effort, Bernald collected himself to confront the situation. “So, what did you do with him?” he shot back.
She laughed her appreciation of his humour. “Just what I told you, of course. I said good-bye to him on Isabella’s door-step.”
She laughed, appreciating his humor. “Just like I told you. I said goodbye to him on Isabella’s doorstep.”
Bernald looked at her. “It’s really true, then, that he didn’t go home with you?”
Bernald looked at her. “So it's really true that he didn’t go home with you?”
She bantered back: “Have you suspected me, all this time, of hiding his remains in the cellar?” And with a droop of her fine lids she added: “I wish he had come home with me, for he was rather interesting, and there were things I think I could have explained to him.”
She joked back, “Have you really thought I was hiding his body in the cellar this whole time?” Then, with a subtle droop of her elegant eyelids, she added, “I wish he had come home with me because he was pretty interesting, and there were things I think I could have explained to him.”
Bernald helped himself to a nectarine, and Miss Fosdick continued on a note of amused curiosity: “So you’ve really never had any news of him since that night?”
Bernald grabbed a nectarine, and Miss Fosdick kept going with a tone of playful curiosity: “So you really haven’t heard anything from him since that night?”
“No—I’ve never had any news of him.”
“No—I’ve never heard anything about him.”
“Not the least little message?”
“Not even a little message?”
“Not the least little message.”
"Not a single message."
“Or a rumour or report of any kind?”
“Or a rumor or report of any sort?”
“Or a rumour or report of any kind.”
“Or a rumor or report of any kind.”
Miss Fosdick’s interest seemed to be revived by the strangeness of the case. “It’s rather creepy, isn’t it? What could have happened? You don’t suppose he could have been waylaid and murdered?” she asked with brightening eyes.
Miss Fosdick's curiosity appeared to be reignited by the oddity of the situation. “It’s a bit unsettling, isn’t it? What could have happened? Do you think he might have been ambushed and killed?” she asked, her eyes lighting up.
Bernald shook his head serenely. “No. I’m sure he’s safe—quite safe.”
Bernald shook his head calmly. “No. I’m sure he’s safe—totally safe.”
“But if you’re sure, you must know something.”
“But if you’re certain, you must know something.”
“No. I know nothing,” he repeated.
“No. I don’t know anything,” he repeated.
She scanned him incredulously. “But what’s your theory—for you must have a theory? What in the world can have become of him?”
She looked at him in disbelief. “But what’s your theory—you must have a theory? What on earth could have happened to him?”
Bernald returned her look and hesitated. “Do you happen to remember the last thing he said to you—the very last, on the door-step, when he left you?”
Bernald met her gaze and paused. “Do you remember the last thing he said to you—the very last, on the doorstep, when he left you?”
“The last thing?” She poised her fork above the peach on her plate. “I don’t think he said anything. Oh, yes—when I reminded him that he’d solemnly promised to come back with me and have a little talk he said he couldn’t because he was going home.”
“The last thing?” She held her fork over the peach on her plate. “I don't think he said anything. Oh, right—when I reminded him that he had seriously promised to come back with me and have a little chat, he said he couldn’t because he was going home.”
“Well, then, I suppose,” said Bernald, “he went home.”
“Well, I guess,” Bernald said, “he went home.”
She glanced at him as if suspecting a trap. “Dear me, how flat! I always inclined to a mysterious murder. But of course you know more of him than you say.”
She looked at him like she thought there was a trap. “Oh my, how boring! I always preferred a mysterious murder. But of course, you know more about him than you’re letting on.”
She began to cut her peach, but paused above a lifted bit to ask, with a renewal of animation in her expressive eyes: “By the way, had you heard that Howland Wade has been gradually getting farther and farther away from Pellerinism? It seems he’s begun to feel that there’s a Positivist element in it which is narrowing to any one who has gone at all deeply into the Wisdom of the East. He was intensely interesting about it the other day, and of course I do see what he feels. ... Oh, it’s too long to tell you now; but if you could manage to come in to tea some afternoon soon—any day but Wednesday—I should so like to explain—”
She started to cut her peach but paused for a moment to ask, with a spark of enthusiasm in her expressive eyes: “By the way, have you heard that Howland Wade has been drifting further away from Pellerinism? It seems he's starting to think there's a Positivist aspect to it that limits anyone who has really explored the Wisdom of the East. He was super interesting about it the other day, and of course I do understand how he feels. ... Oh, it's too long to explain right now; but if you could come over for tea some afternoon soon—any day except Wednesday—I would really like to explain—”
THE EYES
I
WE had been put in the mood for ghosts, that evening, after an excellent dinner at our old friend Culwin’s, by a tale of Fred Murchard’s—the narrative of a strange personal visitation.
WE had been put in the mood for ghosts that evening, after a great dinner at our old friend Culwin’s, by a story from Fred Murchard—the account of a bizarre personal encounter.
Seen through the haze of our cigars, and by the drowsy gleam of a coal fire, Culwin’s library, with its oak walls and dark old bindings, made a good setting for such evocations; and ghostly experiences at first hand being, after Murchard’s brilliant opening, the only kind acceptable to us, we proceeded to take stock of our group and tax each member for a contribution. There were eight of us, and seven contrived, in a manner more or less adequate, to fulfil the condition imposed. It surprised us all to find that we could muster such a show of supernatural impressions, for none of us, excepting Murchard himself and young Phil Frenham—whose story was the slightest of the lot—had the habit of sending our souls into the invisible. So that, on the whole, we had every reason to be proud of our seven “exhibits,” and none of us would have dreamed of expecting an eighth from our host.
Through the haze of our cigars and the sleepy glow of a coal fire, Culwin’s library, with its oak walls and dark, old books, provided a fitting backdrop for such discussions. After Murchard’s impressive start, our only interest lay in firsthand ghostly experiences, so we decided to evaluate our group and ask each member for a contribution. There were eight of us, and seven managed, more or less adequately, to meet the requirement. We were all surprised to find that we could generate such a range of supernatural stories, since none of us, except for Murchard himself and young Phil Frenham—whose tale was the least compelling—had a habit of delving into the unseen. Overall, we had every reason to be proud of our seven “exhibits,” and none of us would have thought to expect an eighth from our host.
Our old friend, Mr. Andrew Culwin, who had sat back in his arm-chair, listening and blinking through the smoke circles with the cheerful tolerance of a wise old idol, was not the kind of man likely to be favoured with such contacts, though he had imagination enough to enjoy, without envying, the superior privileges of his guests. By age and by education he belonged to the stout Positivist tradition, and his habit of thought had been formed in the days of the epic struggle between physics and metaphysics. But he had been, then and always, essentially a spectator, a humorous detached observer of the immense muddled variety show of life, slipping out of his seat now and then for a brief dip into the convivialities at the back of the house, but never, as far as one knew, showing the least desire to jump on the stage and do a “turn.”
Our old friend, Mr. Andrew Culwin, who was lounging in his armchair, listening and blinking through the smoke rings with the cheerful tolerance of a wise old statue, wasn't the type of guy to have such connections, even though he had enough imagination to enjoy, without envy, the advantages of his guests. Due to his age and education, he was rooted in the solid Positivist tradition, and his way of thinking was shaped during the epic battle between physics and metaphysics. But he had always been, at his core, a spectator, a humorous, detached observer of the chaotic variety show of life, occasionally getting up from his seat for a brief taste of the fun at the back of the house, but never, as far as anyone knew, showing the slightest desire to jump on stage and perform.
Among his contemporaries there lingered a vague tradition of his having, at a remote period, and in a romantic clime, been wounded in a duel; but this legend no more tallied with what we younger men knew of his character than my mother’s assertion that he had once been “a charming little man with nice eyes” corresponded to any possible reconstitution of his dry thwarted physiognomy.
Among his peers, there was a vague tradition that, long ago and in a romantic setting, he had been wounded in a duel; but this story matched up with what we younger guys knew about his character just as my mother’s claim that he had once been “a charming little man with nice eyes” reflected any possible reconstruction of his dry, frustrated face.
“He never can have looked like anything but a bundle of sticks,” Murchard had once said of him. “Or a phosphorescent log, rather,” some one else amended; and we recognized the happiness of this description of his small squat trunk, with the red blink of the eyes in a face like mottled bark. He had always been possessed of a leisure which he had nursed and protected, instead of squandering it in vain activities. His carefully guarded hours had been devoted to the cultivation of a fine intelligence and a few judiciously chosen habits; and none of the disturbances common to human experience seemed to have crossed his sky. Nevertheless, his dispassionate survey of the universe had not raised his opinion of that costly experiment, and his study of the human race seemed to have resulted in the conclusion that all men were superfluous, and women necessary only because some one had to do the cooking. On the importance of this point his convictions were absolute, and gastronomy was the only science which he revered as dogma. It must be owned that his little dinners were a strong argument in favour of this view, besides being a reason—though not the main one—for the fidelity of his friends.
“He could only have looked like a pile of sticks,” Murchard once said about him. “Or maybe a glowing log,” someone else added; and we all agreed that this description perfectly captured his small, squat body, with eyes that twinkled red on a face that resembled mottled bark. He always valued his free time, nurturing and protecting it instead of wasting it on useless pursuits. He dedicated his carefully protected hours to developing a sharp mind and a few well-chosen habits; none of the typical disturbances of life seemed to affect him. Still, his objective view of the world didn’t improve his opinion of that expensive trial called life, and his observations of humanity led him to conclude that all men were unnecessary, and women only existed because someone had to cook. He was absolutely convinced of this, and gastronomy was the only field he held as a true belief. It must be said that his small dinner parties were a strong argument supporting this view, as well as a reason—though not the main one—for his friends’ loyalty.
Mentally he exercised a hospitality less seductive but no less stimulating. His mind was like a forum, or some open meeting-place for the exchange of ideas: somewhat cold and draughty, but light, spacious and orderly—a kind of academic grove from which all the leaves had fallen. In this privileged area a dozen of us were wont to stretch our muscles and expand our lungs; and, as if to prolong as much as possible the tradition of what we felt to be a vanishing institution, one or two neophytes were now and then added to our band.
Mentally, he offered a kind of hospitality that was less enticing but still very engaging. His mind resembled a forum or an open space for sharing ideas: a bit chilly and drafty, but bright, roomy, and organized—a sort of academic grove with all the leaves stripped away. In this special space, about a dozen of us liked to flex our minds and expand our horizons; and, in an effort to keep alive what we thought was a fading tradition, one or two newcomers were occasionally included in our group.
Young Phil Frenham was the last, and the most interesting, of these recruits, and a good example of Murchard’s somewhat morbid assertion that our old friend “liked ‘em juicy.” It was indeed a fact that Culwin, for all his mental dryness, specially tasted the lyric qualities in youth. As he was far too good an Epicurean to nip the flowers of soul which he gathered for his garden, his friendship was not a disintegrating influence: on the contrary, it forced the young idea to robuster bloom. And in Phil Frenham he had a fine subject for experimentation. The boy was really intelligent, and the soundness of his nature was like the pure paste under a delicate glaze. Culwin had fished him out of a thick fog of family dulness, and pulled him up to a peak in Darien; and the adventure hadn’t hurt him a bit. Indeed, the skill with which Culwin had contrived to stimulate his curiosities without robbing them of their young bloom of awe seemed to me a sufficient answer to Murchard’s ogreish metaphor. There was nothing hectic in Frenham’s efflorescence, and his old friend had not laid even a finger-tip on the sacred stupidities. One wanted no better proof of that than the fact that Frenham still reverenced them in Culwin.
Young Phil Frenham was the last and the most interesting of these recruits, and he was a perfect example of Murchard’s somewhat morbid assertion that our old friend “liked ‘em juicy.” It was true that Culwin, despite his mental dryness, particularly appreciated the lyrical qualities found in youth. He was far too much of an Epicurean to stifle the bloom of the souls he collected for his garden; his friendship didn't break down the young spirit but, rather, encouraged it to flourish. Phil Frenham was an excellent subject for this approach. The boy was genuinely intelligent, and the core of his character was like a pure foundation beneath a delicate surface. Culwin had rescued him from a heavy fog of family dullness and lifted him to new heights; the experience hadn’t harmed him at all. In fact, the way Culwin managed to spark his curiosity without stripping away the youthful wonder seemed to me a solid counterpoint to Murchard’s monstrous metaphor. There was nothing frantic about Frenham’s growth, and his old friend hadn’t even touched the sacred foolishness. The best proof of that was Frenham still held them in reverence when it came to Culwin.
“There’s a side of him you fellows don’t see. I believe that story about the duel!” he declared; and it was of the very essence of this belief that it should impel him—just as our little party was dispersing—to turn back to our host with the absurd demand: “And now you’ve got to tell us about your ghost!”
“There’s a side of him you guys don’t see. I believe that story about the duel!” he said; and it was the heart of this belief that made him—just as our little group was breaking up—turn back to our host with the ridiculous request: “And now you’ve got to tell us about your ghost!”
The outer door had closed on Murchard and the others; only Frenham and I remained; and the vigilant servant who presided over Culwin’s destinies, having brought a fresh supply of soda-water, had been laconically ordered to bed.
The outer door had shut behind Murchard and the others; only Frenham and I were left; and the watchful servant who managed Culwin’s affairs, after delivering a fresh supply of soda water, had been tersely told to go to bed.
Culwin’s sociability was a night-blooming flower, and we knew that he expected the nucleus of his group to tighten around him after midnight. But Frenham’s appeal seemed to disconcert him comically, and he rose from the chair in which he had just reseated himself after his farewells in the hall.
Culwin’s sociability was like a flower that blooms at night, and we knew he expected his group to gather closer around him after midnight. But Frenham’s charm seemed to throw him off in a funny way, and he got up from the chair where he had just sat down again after saying his goodbyes in the hall.
“My ghost? Do you suppose I’m fool enough to go to the expense of keeping one of my own, when there are so many charming ones in my friends’ closets?—Take another cigar,” he said, revolving toward me with a laugh.
“My ghost? Do you really think I’m silly enough to spend money on my own when there are so many lovely ones in my friends’ closets?—Take another cigar,” he said, turning to me with a laugh.
Frenham laughed too, pulling up his slender height before the chimney-piece as he turned to face his short bristling friend.
Frenham laughed as well, standing tall in front of the fireplace while turning to face his shorter, bristly friend.
“Oh,” he said, “you’d never be content to share if you met one you really liked.”
“Oh,” he said, “you’d never be happy to share if you met someone you truly liked.”
Culwin had dropped back into his armchair, his shock head embedded in its habitual hollow, his little eyes glimmering over a fresh cigar.
Culwin had slumped back into his armchair, his messy hair sunk into its usual indentation, his small eyes shining over a new cigar.
“Liked—liked? Good Lord!” he growled.
“Liked—liked? Oh my God!” he growled.
“Ah, you have, then!” Frenham pounced on him in the same instant, with a sidewise glance of victory at me; but Culwin cowered gnomelike among his cushions, dissembling himself in a protective cloud of smoke.
“Ah, you have, then!” Frenham jumped at him immediately, casting a triumphant glance my way; but Culwin shrank back like a gnome among his cushions, shrouded in a protective haze of smoke.
“What’s the use of denying it? You’ve seen everything, so of course you’ve seen a ghost!” his young friend persisted, talking intrepidly into the cloud. “Or, if you haven’t seen one, it’s only because you’ve seen two!”
“What’s the point in denying it? You’ve seen everything, so of course you’ve seen a ghost!” his young friend insisted, boldly speaking into the cloud. “Or, if you haven’t seen one, it’s only because you’ve seen two!”
The form of the challenge seemed to strike our host. He shot his head out of the mist with a queer tortoise-like motion he sometimes had, and blinked approvingly at Frenham.
The way the challenge was presented caught our host's attention. He emerged from the fog with a strange, turtle-like motion he sometimes made and blinked approvingly at Frenham.
“Yes,” he suddenly flung at us on a shrill jerk of laughter; “it’s only because I’ve seen two!”
“Yes,” he suddenly shouted at us with a sharp laugh; “it’s just because I’ve seen two!”
The words were so unexpected that they dropped down and down into a fathomless silence, while we continued to stare at each other over Culwin’s head, and Culwin stared at his ghosts. At length Frenham, without speaking, threw himself into the chair on the other side of the hearth, and leaned forward with his listening smile ...
The words were so unexpected that they fell into a deep silence, while we kept staring at each other over Culwin’s head, and Culwin gazed at his ghosts. Eventually, Frenham, without saying anything, plopped down into the chair on the other side of the hearth and leaned forward with his attentive smile...
II
“OH, of course they’re not show ghosts—a collector wouldn’t think anything of them ... Don’t let me raise your hopes ... their one merit is their numerical strength: the exceptional fact of their being two. But, as against this, I’m bound to admit that at any moment I could probably have exorcised them both by asking my doctor for a prescription, or my oculist for a pair of spectacles. Only, as I never could make up my mind whether to go to the doctor or the oculist—whether I was afflicted by an optical or a digestive delusion—I left them to pursue their interesting double life, though at times they made mine exceedingly comfortable ...
“OH, of course they’re not actual ghosts—a collector wouldn’t think anything of them... Don’t get your hopes up... their only value is their numbers: the unusual fact that there are two of them. But on the flip side, I have to admit that at any moment I could probably have gotten rid of them by just asking my doctor for a prescription, or my eye doctor for a pair of glasses. The problem was, I could never decide whether to go to the doctor or the eye doctor—whether I was dealing with a visual or a stomach issue—so I just let them carry on with their intriguing double life, even though sometimes they made mine extremely comfortable...
“Yes—uncomfortable; and you know how I hate to be uncomfortable! But it was part of my stupid pride, when the thing began, not to admit that I could be disturbed by the trifling matter of seeing two—
“Yes—uncomfortable; and you know how much I hate being uncomfortable! But it was my foolish pride at the start that made me refuse to admit I could be bothered by the trivial issue of seeing two—
“And then I’d no reason, really, to suppose I was ill. As far as I knew I was simply bored—horribly bored. But it was part of my boredom—I remember—that I was feeling so uncommonly well, and didn’t know how on earth to work off my surplus energy. I had come back from a long journey—down in South America and Mexico—and had settled down for the winter near New York, with an old aunt who had known Washington Irving and corresponded with N. P. Willis. She lived, not far from Irvington, in a damp Gothic villa, overhung by Norway spruces, and looking exactly like a memorial emblem done in hair. Her personal appearance was in keeping with this image, and her own hair—of which there was little left—might have been sacrificed to the manufacture of the emblem.
“And then I really had no reason to think I was sick. As far as I knew, I was just bored—terribly bored. But part of my boredom—I remember—was that I felt surprisingly good and didn't know how to channel all this extra energy. I had just returned from a long trip—down in South America and Mexico—and had settled in for the winter near New York, with an old aunt who had known Washington Irving and corresponded with N. P. Willis. She lived not far from Irvington, in a damp Gothic villa, surrounded by Norway spruces, and it looked exactly like a memorial symbol made from hair. Her personal appearance matched this image, and her own hair—of which there was little left—might have been used to create that symbol.”
“I had just reached the end of an agitated year, with considerable arrears to make up in money and emotion; and theoretically it seemed as though my aunt’s mild hospitality would be as beneficial to my nerves as to my purse. But the deuce of it was that as soon as I felt myself safe and sheltered my energy began to revive; and how was I to work it off inside of a memorial emblem? I had, at that time, the agreeable illusion that sustained intellectual effort could engage a man’s whole activity; and I decided to write a great book—I forget about what. My aunt, impressed by my plan, gave up to me her Gothic library, filled with classics in black cloth and daguerrotypes of faded celebrities; and I sat down at my desk to make myself a place among their number. And to facilitate my task she lent me a cousin to copy my manuscript.
“I had just finished a stressful year, with a lot of catching up to do in both finances and feelings; and it seemed like my aunt’s gentle hospitality would be good for my nerves as well as my wallet. But the problem was that as soon as I started to feel safe and at home, my energy came back, and how was I supposed to channel that into a memorial piece? Back then, I had this nice illusion that serious intellectual work could consume all of a person’s energy; so I decided to write a great book—I can't remember what it was about. My aunt, impressed by my ambition, gave me her Gothic library, filled with classic books in black cloth and old photos of faded celebrities; and I sat down at my desk to try to earn my spot among them. To help me with my work, she lent me a cousin to copy my manuscript.”
“The cousin was a nice girl, and I had an idea that a nice girl was just what I needed to restore my faith in human nature, and principally in myself. She was neither beautiful nor intelligent—poor Alice Nowell!—but it interested me to see any woman content to be so uninteresting, and I wanted to find out the secret of her content. In doing this I handled it rather rashly, and put it out of joint—oh, just for a moment! There’s no fatuity in telling you this, for the poor girl had never seen any one but cousins ...
“The cousin was a nice girl, and I thought a nice girl was exactly what I needed to regain my faith in humanity and, more importantly, in myself. She wasn’t beautiful or smart—poor Alice Nowell!—but I found it intriguing to see a woman who was okay with being so ordinary, and I wanted to discover the secret of her happiness. In trying to figure it out, I approached it a bit clumsily and messed things up—just for a moment! I’m not being foolish by telling you this, since the poor girl had never interacted with anyone but family...”
“Well, I was sorry for what I’d done, of course, and confoundedly bothered as to how I should put it straight. She was staying in the house, and one evening, after my aunt had gone to bed, she came down to the library to fetch a book she’d mislaid, like any artless heroine on the shelves behind us. She was pink-nosed and flustered, and it suddenly occurred to me that her hair, though it was fairly thick and pretty, would look exactly like my aunt’s when she grew older. I was glad I had noticed this, for it made it easier for me to do what was right; and when I had found the book she hadn’t lost I told her I was leaving for Europe that week.
"Well, I felt bad about what I’d done, of course, and was really confused about how to make things right. She was staying in the house, and one evening, after my aunt had gone to bed, she came down to the library to find a book she’d misplaced, like any innocent heroine. She had a pink nose and looked flustered, and it suddenly hit me that her hair, although it was thick and pretty, would look just like my aunt’s when she got older. I was glad I noticed this because it made it easier for me to do the right thing; and when I found the book she hadn’t actually lost, I told her I was leaving for Europe that week."
“Europe was terribly far off in those days, and Alice knew at once what I meant. She didn’t take it in the least as I’d expected—it would have been easier if she had. She held her book very tight, and turned away a moment to wind up the lamp on my desk—it had a ground glass shade with vine leaves, and glass drops around the edge, I remember. Then she came back, held out her hand, and said: ‘Good-bye.’ And as she said it she looked straight at me and kissed me. I had never felt anything as fresh and shy and brave as her kiss. It was worse than any reproach, and it made me ashamed to deserve a reproach from her. I said to myself: ‘I’ll marry her, and when my aunt dies she’ll leave us this house, and I’ll sit here at the desk and go on with my book; and Alice will sit over there with her embroidery and look at me as she’s looking now. And life will go on like that for any number of years.’ The prospect frightened me a little, but at the time it didn’t frighten me as much as doing anything to hurt her; and ten minutes later she had my seal ring on my finger, and my promise that when I went abroad she should go with me.
“Europe was really far away back then, and Alice understood immediately what I meant. She didn’t react at all like I thought she would—it would have been easier if she had. She held her book tightly and turned away for a moment to wind up the lamp on my desk—it had a frosted glass shade with vine leaves and glass drops around the edge, I remember. Then she came back, extended her hand, and said, ‘Good-bye.’ As she said it, she looked straight at me and kissed me. I had never felt anything as refreshing, shy, and brave as her kiss. It was worse than any reprimand, and it made me feel ashamed to be deserving of one from her. I told myself, ‘I’ll marry her, and when my aunt dies, she’ll leave us this house, and I’ll sit here at the desk and continue with my book; and Alice will sit over there with her embroidery and look at me the way she is now. And life will go on like that for many years.’ The thought scared me a little, but at that moment, it scared me less than the idea of doing anything to hurt her; and ten minutes later, she had my seal ring on her finger and my promise that when I went abroad, she would go with me.”
“You’ll wonder why I’m enlarging on this familiar incident. It’s because the evening on which it took place was the very evening on which I first saw the queer sight I’ve spoken of. Being at that time an ardent believer in a necessary sequence between cause and effect I naturally tried to trace some kind of link between what had just happened to me in my aunt’s library, and what was to happen a few hours later on the same night; and so the coincidence between the two events always remained in my mind.
“You might be curious why I'm highlighting this well-known incident. It's because the night it happened was the same night I first encountered the strange sight I've mentioned. At that time, I strongly believed in a necessary connection between cause and effect, so I naturally tried to find some kind of link between what had just happened to me in my aunt’s library and what was going to happen a few hours later that same night. As a result, the coincidence between the two events always stuck with me.”
“I went up to bed with rather a heavy heart, for I was bowed under the weight of the first good action I had ever consciously committed; and young as I was, I saw the gravity of my situation. Don’t imagine from this that I had hitherto been an instrument of destruction. I had been merely a harmless young man, who had followed his bent and declined all collaboration with Providence. Now I had suddenly undertaken to promote the moral order of the world, and I felt a good deal like the trustful spectator who has given his gold watch to the conjurer, and doesn’t know in what shape he’ll get it back when the trick is over ... Still, a glow of self-righteousness tempered my fears, and I said to myself as I undressed that when I’d got used to being good it probably wouldn’t make me as nervous as it did at the start. And by the time I was in bed, and had blown out my candle, I felt that I really was getting used to it, and that, as far as I’d got, it was not unlike sinking down into one of my aunt’s very softest wool mattresses.
I went to bed with a heavy heart, feeling weighed down by the first good deed I had ever consciously done; and even though I was young, I understood the seriousness of my situation. Don’t think that until now I had been a force for destruction. I had just been a harmless young man who followed his own path and avoided any involvement with fate. Now, I had suddenly taken on the responsibility of promoting the moral order of the world, and I felt a bit like the trusting spectator who hands his gold watch to the magician, unsure of how it will return when the trick is done ... Still, a sense of self-righteousness eased my worries, and I told myself as I got undressed that once I got used to being good, it probably wouldn’t make me as anxious as it did at first. By the time I was in bed and had blown out my candle, I felt that I really was getting used to it, and that, as far as I’d come, it was not unlike sinking down into one of my aunt’s softest wool mattresses.
“I closed my eyes on this image, and when I opened them it must have been a good deal later, for my room had grown cold, and the night was intensely still. I was waked suddenly by the feeling we all know—the feeling that there was something near me that hadn’t been there when I fell asleep. I sat up and strained my eyes into the darkness. The room was pitch black, and at first I saw nothing; but gradually a vague glimmer at the foot of the bed turned into two eyes staring back at me. I couldn’t see the face attached to them—on account of the darkness, I imagined—but as I looked the eyes grew more and more distinct: they gave out a light of their own.
“I closed my eyes on this image, and when I opened them it must have been a lot later, because my room had gotten cold, and the night was completely still. I was suddenly awakened by that familiar feeling—that something was near me that hadn’t been there when I fell asleep. I sat up and strained my eyes into the darkness. The room was pitch black, and at first, I saw nothing; but gradually a vague glimmer at the foot of the bed turned into two eyes staring back at me. I couldn’t see the face attached to them—probably because of the darkness—but as I looked, the eyes became clearer and clearer: they emitted their own light.
“The sensation of being thus gazed at was far from pleasant, and you might suppose that my first impulse would have been to jump out of bed and hurl myself on the invisible figure attached to the eyes. But it wasn’t—my impulse was simply to lie still ... I can’t say whether this was due to an immediate sense of the uncanny nature of the apparition—to the certainty that if I did jump out of bed I should hurl myself on nothing—or merely to the benumbing effect of the eyes themselves. They were the very worst eyes I’ve ever seen: a man’s eyes—but what a man! My first thought was that he must be frightfully old. The orbits were sunk, and the thick red-lined lids hung over the eyeballs like blinds of which the cords are broken. One lid drooped a little lower than the other, with the effect of a crooked leer; and between these pulpy folds of flesh, with their scant bristle of lashes, the eyes themselves, small glassy disks with an agate-like rim about the pupils, looked like sea-pebbles in the grip of a starfish.
“The feeling of being stared at was far from pleasant, and you might think my first instinct would be to jump out of bed and throw myself at the invisible figure behind those eyes. But it wasn’t—my instinct was just to lie still ... I can’t say if this was because of an immediate awareness of the eerie nature of the apparition—to the certainty that if I did jump out of bed, I would throw myself at nothing—or simply because of the numbing effect of those eyes. They were the worst eyes I’ve ever seen: a man’s eyes—but what a man! My first thought was that he must be incredibly old. The eye sockets were deep-set, and the thick, red-lined lids hung over the eyeballs like broken blinds. One lid drooped slightly lower than the other, giving a crooked leer; and between these fleshy folds, with their sparse lashes, the eyes themselves, small glassy disks with an agate-like rim around the pupils, looked like sea pebbles caught in the grip of a starfish.”
“But the age of the eyes was not the most unpleasant thing about them. What turned me sick was their expression of vicious security. I don’t know how else to describe the fact that they seemed to belong to a man who had done a lot of harm in his life, but had always kept just inside the danger lines. They were not the eyes of a coward, but of some one much too clever to take risks; and my gorge rose at their look of base astuteness. Yet even that wasn’t the worst; for as we continued to scan each other I saw in them a tinge of faint derision, and felt myself to be its object.
“But the age of the eyes wasn't the most unpleasant thing about them. What made me feel sick was their expression of cruel confidence. I can’t describe it any other way; they seemed to belong to a man who had caused a lot of harm in his life but had always stayed just within the limits of danger. They weren't the eyes of a coward, but of someone much too smart to take risks; and I was repulsed by their look of petty cleverness. Yet even that wasn't the worst; as we continued to size each other up, I noticed a hint of faint mockery in them and felt like I was its target.”
“At that I was seized by an impulse of rage that jerked me out of bed and pitched me straight on the unseen figure at its foot. But of course there wasn’t any figure there, and my fists struck at emptiness. Ashamed and cold, I groped about for a match and lit the candles. The room looked just as usual—as I had known it would; and I crawled back to bed, and blew out the lights.
“At that, I was hit by a wave of rage that pulled me out of bed and threw me straight at the unseen figure at its foot. But of course, there wasn’t any figure there, and my fists hit nothing but air. Ashamed and cold, I searched for a match and lit the candles. The room looked just like always—as I had known it would; and I crawled back into bed and blew out the lights.”
“As soon as the room was dark again the eyes reappeared; and I now applied myself to explaining them on scientific principles. At first I thought the illusion might have been caused by the glow of the last embers in the chimney; but the fire-place was on the other side of my bed, and so placed that the fire could not possibly be reflected in my toilet glass, which was the only mirror in the room. Then it occurred to me that I might have been tricked by the reflection of the embers in some polished bit of wood or metal; and though I couldn’t discover any object of the sort in my line of vision, I got up again, groped my way to the hearth, and covered what was left of the fire. But as soon as I was back in bed the eyes were back at its foot.
“As soon as the room went dark again, the eyes reappeared; and I began trying to explain them with scientific reasoning. At first, I thought the illusion might have been caused by the glow of the last embers in the fireplace; but since the fireplace was on the other side of my bed, it couldn't possibly be reflected in my bedside mirror, which was the only mirror in the room. Then I wondered if I might have been tricked by the reflection of the embers in some shiny piece of wood or metal; even though I couldn’t see anything like that in my line of sight, I got up again, felt my way to the hearth, and covered up what was left of the fire. But as soon as I got back in bed, the eyes reappeared at the foot of it.”
“They were an hallucination, then: that was plain. But the fact that they were not due to any external dupery didn’t make them a bit pleasanter to see. For if they were a projection of my inner consciousness, what the deuce was the matter with that organ? I had gone deeply enough into the mystery of morbid pathological states to picture the conditions under which an exploring mind might lay itself open to such a midnight admonition; but I couldn’t fit it to my present case. I had never felt more normal, mentally and physically; and the only unusual fact in my situation—that of having assured the happiness of an amiable girl—did not seem of a kind to summon unclean spirits about my pillow. But there were the eyes still looking at me ...
“They were a hallucination, clearly. But the fact that they weren't caused by any external trickery didn’t make them any more pleasant to see. If they were a projection of my inner thoughts, then what was wrong with that part of my mind? I had studied enough about strange psychological states to imagine the conditions under which a curious mind might become vulnerable to such a nighttime warning; but I couldn’t apply it to my situation. I had never felt more normal, both mentally and physically; and the only unusual thing in my situation—making sure an amiable girl was happy—didn’t seem likely to attract any negative spirits around me. But those eyes were still staring at me…”
“I shut mine, and tried to evoke a vision of Alice Nowell’s. They were not remarkable eyes, but they were as wholesome as fresh water, and if she had had more imagination—or longer lashes—their expression might have been interesting. As it was, they did not prove very efficacious, and in a few moments I perceived that they had mysteriously changed into the eyes at the foot of the bed. It exasperated me more to feel these glaring at me through my shut lids than to see them, and I opened my eyes again and looked straight into their hateful stare ...
“I closed my eyes and tried to picture Alice Nowell’s. They weren’t remarkable eyes, but they were as refreshing as clear water, and if she had a bit more imagination—or longer lashes—her expression could have been interesting. As it was, they didn’t really do much for me, and after a few moments, I noticed that they had somehow turned into the eyes at the foot of the bed. It annoyed me even more to feel them glaring at me through my closed eyelids than to actually see them, so I opened my eyes again and stared right back into their hateful glare..."
“And so it went on all night. I can’t tell you what that night was, nor how long it lasted. Have you ever lain in bed, hopelessly wide awake, and tried to keep your eyes shut, knowing that if you opened ‘em you’d see something you dreaded and loathed? It sounds easy, but it’s devilish hard. Those eyes hung there and drew me. I had the vertige de l’abime, and their red lids were the edge of my abyss. ... I had known nervous hours before: hours when I’d felt the wind of danger in my neck; but never this kind of strain. It wasn’t that the eyes were so awful; they hadn’t the majesty of the powers of darkness. But they had—how shall I say?—a physical effect that was the equivalent of a bad smell: their look left a smear like a snail’s. And I didn’t see what business they had with me, anyhow—and I stared and stared, trying to find out ...
“And so it went on all night. I can’t tell you what that night was like, nor how long it lasted. Have you ever laid in bed, wide awake and helpless, trying to keep your eyes shut, knowing that if you opened them you’d see something you dreaded and hated? It sounds easy, but it’s incredibly hard. Those eyes loomed there and pulled me in. I felt the vertige de l’abime, and their red lids were the edge of my abyss. ... I had experienced anxious hours before: hours when I felt the chill of danger on my neck; but never this kind of pressure. It wasn’t that the eyes were so terrifying; they didn’t have the majesty of dark forces. But they had—how should I put it?—a physical impact that was like a terrible smell: their gaze left a mark like a snail’s. And I couldn’t understand what they wanted from me, anyway—and I stared and stared, trying to figure it out ...
“I don’t know what effect they were trying to produce; but the effect they did produce was that of making me pack my portmanteau and bolt to town early the next morning. I left a note for my aunt, explaining that I was ill and had gone to see my doctor; and as a matter of fact I did feel uncommonly ill—the night seemed to have pumped all the blood out of me. But when I reached town I didn’t go to the doctor’s. I went to a friend’s rooms, and threw myself on a bed, and slept for ten heavenly hours. When I woke it was the middle of the night, and I turned cold at the thought of what might be waiting for me. I sat up, shaking, and stared into the darkness; but there wasn’t a break in its blessed surface, and when I saw that the eyes were not there I dropped back into another long sleep.
“I don’t know what effect they were trying to create, but the effect they did create was that I packed my suitcase and rushed to town early the next morning. I left a note for my aunt, explaining that I was sick and had gone to see my doctor; and honestly, I did feel really unwell—the night seemed to have drained all my energy. But when I got to town, I didn’t go to the doctor’s. I went to a friend’s place, threw myself on a bed, and slept for ten blissful hours. When I woke up, it was the middle of the night, and I felt a chill thinking about what might be waiting for me. I sat up, shaking, and stared into the darkness; but there wasn’t a break in its comforting surface, and when I realized that the eyes weren’t there, I sank back into another long sleep.
“I had left no word for Alice when I fled, because I meant to go back the next morning. But the next morning I was too exhausted to stir. As the day went on the exhaustion increased, instead of wearing off like the lassitude left by an ordinary night of insomnia: the effect of the eyes seemed to be cumulative, and the thought of seeing them again grew intolerable. For two days I struggled with my dread; but on the third evening I pulled myself together and decided to go back the next morning. I felt a good deal happier as soon as I’d decided, for I knew that my abrupt disappearance, and the strangeness of my not writing, must have been very painful for poor Alice. That night I went to bed with an easy mind, and fell asleep at once; but in the middle of the night I woke, and there were the eyes ...
“I hadn’t left any message for Alice when I ran away because I planned to return the next morning. But when morning came, I was too worn out to move. As the day went on, my exhaustion just got worse, instead of fading away like the tiredness from a regular night of sleeplessness: the effect of those eyes seemed to build up, and the idea of seeing them again became unbearable. For two days, I fought against my fear; but on the third evening, I gathered my strength and decided to go back the next morning. I felt a lot happier as soon as I made that decision because I knew my sudden disappearance and the weirdness of not writing would have been really upsetting for poor Alice. That night, I went to bed with peace of mind and fell asleep right away; but in the middle of the night, I woke up, and there were those eyes...”
“Well, I simply couldn’t face them; and instead of going back to my aunt’s I bundled a few things into a trunk and jumped onto the first steamer for England. I was so dead tired when I got on board that I crawled straight into my berth, and slept most of the way over; and I can’t tell you the bliss it was to wake from those long stretches of dreamless sleep and look fearlessly into the darkness, knowing that I shouldn’t see the eyes ...
“Well, I just couldn’t deal with them; and instead of going back to my aunt’s, I stuffed a few things into a trunk and hopped on the first steamer to England. I was so exhausted when I got on board that I crawled straight into my cabin and slept for most of the journey; and I can’t describe the bliss of waking up from those long stretches of dreamless sleep and looking bravely into the darkness, knowing that I wouldn’t see the eyes ...
“I stayed abroad for a year, and then I stayed for another; and during that time I never had a glimpse of them. That was enough reason for prolonging my stay if I’d been on a desert island. Another was, of course, that I had perfectly come to see, on the voyage over, the folly, complete impossibility, of my marrying Alice Nowell. The fact that I had been so slow in making this discovery annoyed me, and made me want to avoid explanations. The bliss of escaping at one stroke from the eyes, and from this other embarrassment, gave my freedom an extraordinary zest; and the longer I savoured it the better I liked its taste.
“I spent a year abroad, and then another; during that time, I didn’t see them at all. That was a good enough reason to extend my stay, even if I’d been stuck on a desert island. Another reason was that I had realized, during the trip over, how foolish and impossible it was for me to marry Alice Nowell. The fact that it took me so long to come to this conclusion frustrated me and made me want to avoid any explanations. The joy of escaping all at once from their gaze and from this other awkwardness gave my newfound freedom an incredible thrill; and the more I enjoyed it, the more I liked how it felt.”
“The eyes had burned such a hole in my consciousness that for a long time I went on puzzling over the nature of the apparition, and wondering nervously if it would ever come back. But as time passed I lost this dread, and retained only the precision of the image. Then that faded in its turn.
“The eyes had burned such a hole in my mind that for a long time I kept trying to figure out what the vision was, nervously wondering if it would ever return. But as time went on, I lost that fear and only held on to the clarity of the image. Then that faded away too.”
“The second year found me settled in Rome, where I was planning, I believe, to write another great book—a definitive work on Etruscan influences in Italian art. At any rate, I’d found some pretext of the kind for taking a sunny apartment in the Piazza di Spagna and dabbling about indefinitely in the Forum; and there, one morning, a charming youth came to me. As he stood there in the warm light, slender and smooth and hyacinthine, he might have stepped from a ruined altar—one to Antinous, say—but he’d come instead from New York, with a letter (of all people) from Alice Nowell. The letter—the first I’d had from her since our break—was simply a line introducing her young cousin, Gilbert Noyes, and appealing to me to befriend him. It appeared, poor lad, that he ‘had talent,’ and ‘wanted to write’; and, an obdurate family having insisted that his calligraphy should take the form of double entry, Alice had intervened to win him six months’ respite, during which he was to travel on a meagre pittance, and somehow prove his ultimate ability to increase it by his pen. The quaint conditions of the test struck me first: it seemed about as conclusive as a mediaeval ‘ordeal.’ Then I was touched by her having sent him to me. I had always wanted to do her some service, to justify myself in my own eyes rather than hers; and here was a beautiful embodiment of my chance.
The second year found me settled in Rome, where I was planning, I believe, to write another great book—a definitive work on Etruscan influences in Italian art. At any rate, I’d found some excuse for taking a sunny apartment in the Piazza di Spagna and hanging out indefinitely in the Forum; and there, one morning, a charming young man came to me. As he stood in the warm light, slender and smooth and with hyacinth-colored hair, he could have just stepped from a ruined altar—perhaps one dedicated to Antinous—but instead, he had come from New York, with a letter (of all things) from Alice Nowell. The letter—the first I’d received from her since our breakup—was just a line introducing her young cousin, Gilbert Noyes, and asking me to look out for him. It seemed, poor guy, that he ‘had talent’ and ‘wanted to write’; and, since his stubborn family insisted that his skills should take the form of accounting, Alice had stepped in to win him six months’ reprieve, during which he was supposed to travel on a shoestring budget and somehow prove his ability to earn more with his writing. The odd conditions of the test struck me first: it seemed as conclusive as a medieval ‘ordeal.’ Then I was moved by the fact that she had sent him to me. I had always wanted to do her a favor, to justify myself in my own eyes rather than hers; and here was a perfect opportunity.
“Well, I imagine it’s safe to lay down the general principle that predestined geniuses don’t, as a rule, appear before one in the spring sunshine of the Forum looking like one of its banished gods. At any rate, poor Noyes wasn’t a predestined genius. But he was beautiful to see, and charming as a comrade too. It was only when he began to talk literature that my heart failed me. I knew all the symptoms so well—the things he had ‘in him,’ and the things outside him that impinged! There’s the real test, after all. It was always—punctually, inevitably, with the inexorableness of a mechanical law—it was always the wrong thing that struck him. I grew to find a certain grim fascination in deciding in advance exactly which wrong thing he’d select; and I acquired an astonishing skill at the game ...
"Well, I think it's safe to say that destined geniuses usually don't show up in the spring sunshine of the Forum looking like one of its exiled gods. At any rate, poor Noyes wasn’t a destined genius. But he was beautiful to look at and charming as a friend too. It was only when he started talking about literature that I felt a twinge of despair. I recognized all the signs so well—the things he had ‘inside him,’ and the external influences that affected him! That’s the real test, after all. It was always—punctually, inevitably, with the certainty of a mechanical law—it was always the wrong thing that caught his attention. I began to find a certain dark fascination in predicting exactly which wrong thing he’d choose; and I developed quite a skill at the game..."
“The worst of it was that his betise wasn’t of the too obvious sort. Ladies who met him at picnics thought him intellectual; and even at dinners he passed for clever. I, who had him under the microscope, fancied now and then that he might develop some kind of a slim talent, something that he could make ‘do’ and be happy on; and wasn’t that, after all, what I was concerned with? He was so charming—he continued to be so charming—that he called forth all my charity in support of this argument; and for the first few months I really believed there was a chance for him ...
“The worst part was that his foolishness wasn’t the obvious kind. Ladies who met him at picnics thought he was intellectual; and even at dinners, he passed for clever. I, who had him under close observation, sometimes thought he might develop some kind of minor talent, something he could manage and be content with; and wasn’t that, after all, what I was really concerned about? He was so charming—he remained so charming—that he brought out all my compassion in support of this idea; and for the first few months, I truly believed there was hope for him...”
“Those months were delightful. Noyes was constantly with me, and the more I saw of him the better I liked him. His stupidity was a natural grace—it was as beautiful, really, as his eye-lashes. And he was so gay, so affectionate, and so happy with me, that telling him the truth would have been about as pleasant as slitting the throat of some artless animal. At first I used to wonder what had put into that radiant head the detestable delusion that it held a brain. Then I began to see that it was simply protective mimicry—an instinctive ruse to get away from family life and an office desk. Not that Gilbert didn’t—dear lad!—believe in himself. There wasn’t a trace of hypocrisy in his composition. He was sure that his ‘call’ was irresistible, while to me it was the saving grace of his situation that it wasn’t, and that a little money, a little leisure, a little pleasure would have turned him into an inoffensive idler. Unluckily, however, there was no hope of money, and with the grim alternative of the office desk before him he couldn’t postpone his attempt at literature. The stuff he turned out was deplorable, and I see now that I knew it from the first. Still, the absurdity of deciding a man’s whole future on a first trial seemed to justify me in withholding my verdict, and perhaps even in encouraging him a little, on the ground that the human plant generally needs warmth to flower.
“Those months were amazing. Noyes was always with me, and the more I got to know him, the more I liked him. His foolishness was a kind of natural charm—it was as striking, really, as his eyelashes. He was so cheerful, so affectionate, and so happy with me that telling him the truth would have felt as unpleasant as harming some innocent creature. At first, I wondered what led that bright mind to the ridiculous belief that it had a brain. Then I realized it was just protective mimicry—an instinctive strategy to escape family life and a dull office job. Not that Gilbert didn’t—sweet guy—believe in himself. There wasn’t a hint of insincerity in him. He was convinced that his ‘calling’ was irresistible, while to me, the saving grace of his situation was that it wasn’t, and that a little money, some free time, and a bit of enjoyment would have made him an unremarkable layabout. Unfortunately, there was little hope for money, and faced with the grim option of the office job, he couldn’t delay his attempt at writing. The stuff he produced was awful, and I realized now that I knew that from the beginning. Still, the absurdity of determining a man’s entire future based on a first attempt seemed to justify me in holding back my judgment, and maybe even in encouraging him a bit, on the grounds that the human spirit usually needs support to thrive.”
“At any rate, I proceeded on that principle, and carried it to the point of getting his term of probation extended. When I left Rome he went with me, and we idled away a delicious summer between Capri and Venice. I said to myself: ‘If he has anything in him, it will come out now; and it did. He was never more enchanting and enchanted. There were moments of our pilgrimage when beauty born of murmuring sound seemed actually to pass into his face—but only to issue forth in a shallow flood of the palest ink ...
“At any rate, I stuck to that principle and took it to the point of having his probation extended. When I left Rome, he came with me, and we spent a wonderful summer between Capri and Venice. I thought to myself: ‘If he has anything worthwhile in him, it will show now; and it did. He was never more captivating and entranced. There were moments during our journey when beauty created by gentle sounds seemed to actually reflect on his face—but only to spill out in a shallow flow of the lightest ink ...”
“Well the time came to turn off the tap; and I knew there was no hand but mine to do it. We were back in Rome, and I had taken him to stay with me, not wanting him to be alone in his dismal pension when he had to face the necessity of renouncing his ambition. I hadn’t, of course, relied solely on my own judgment in deciding to advise him to drop literature. I had sent his stuff to various people—editors and critics—and they had always sent it back with the same chilling lack of comment. Really there was nothing on earth to say about it—
“Well, the time came to turn off the tap, and I knew there was no one but me to do it. We were back in Rome, and I had invited him to stay with me, not wanting him to be alone in his gloomy pension when he had to face the tough decision of giving up his ambition. I hadn’t, of course, relied only on my own judgment in deciding to suggest he drop literature. I had sent his work to various people—editors and critics—and they had always returned it with the same cold silence. Honestly, there was nothing on earth to say about it—
“I confess I never felt more shabbily than I did on the day when I decided to have it out with Gilbert. It was well enough to tell myself that it was my duty to knock the poor boy’s hopes into splinters—but I’d like to know what act of gratuitous cruelty hasn’t been justified on that plea? I’ve always shrunk from usurping the functions of Providence, and when I have to exercise them I decidedly prefer that it shouldn’t be on an errand of destruction. Besides, in the last issue, who was I to decide, even after a year’s trial, if poor Gilbert had it in him or not?
“I admit I never felt worse than I did on the day when I decided to confront Gilbert. It was easy to tell myself that it was my responsibility to shatter the poor guy’s hopes—but what kind of pointless cruelty hasn’t been rationalized with that excuse? I’ve always hesitated to take on the role of fate, and when I have to, I definitely prefer it not to be for a purpose that brings ruin. Besides, in the end, who was I to judge, even after a year’s experience, whether poor Gilbert had what it takes or not?"
“The more I looked at the part I’d resolved to play, the less I liked it; and I liked it still less when Gilbert sat opposite me, with his head thrown back in the lamplight, just as Phil’s is now ... I’d been going over his last manuscript, and he knew it, and he knew that his future hung on my verdict—we’d tacitly agreed to that. The manuscript lay between us, on my table—a novel, his first novel, if you please!—and he reached over and laid his hand on it, and looked up at me with all his life in the look.
“The more I thought about the role I had committed to play, the less I liked it; and my dislike grew even more when Gilbert sat across from me, his head tilted back in the lamp light, just like Phil’s is now... I had been going through his latest manuscript, and he knew it, and he understood that his future depended on my opinion—we had silently agreed on that. The manuscript was right in front of us, on my table—a novel, his debut novel, if you can believe it!—and he reached over, placed his hand on it, and looked up at me with everything he had in his gaze.”
“I stood up and cleared my throat, trying to keep my eyes away from his face and on the manuscript.
“I stood up and cleared my throat, trying to keep my eyes off his face and on the manuscript.
“‘The fact is, my dear Gilbert,’ I began—
“‘The truth is, my dear Gilbert,’ I started—
“I saw him turn pale, but he was up and facing me in an instant.
“I saw him turn pale, but he was up and facing me instantly.
“‘Oh, look here, don’t take on so, my dear fellow! I’m not so awfully cut up as all that!’ His hands were on my shoulders, and he was laughing down on me from his full height, with a kind of mortally-stricken gaiety that drove the knife into my side.
“‘Oh, come on, don’t get so worked up, my friend! I’m not as upset as you think!’ His hands were on my shoulders, and he was laughing down at me from his full height, with a kind of joy that felt painfully ironic.
“He was too beautifully brave for me to keep up any humbug about my duty. And it came over me suddenly how I should hurt others in hurting him: myself first, since sending him home meant losing him; but more particularly poor Alice Nowell, to whom I had so uneasily longed to prove my good faith and my immense desire to serve her. It really seemed like failing her twice to fail Gilbert—
“He was too beautifully brave for me to keep up any nonsense about my duty. And it hit me suddenly how I would hurt others by hurting him: myself first, since sending him home meant losing him; but especially poor Alice Nowell, to whom I had so anxiously wanted to prove my good faith and my strong desire to help her. It really felt like failing her twice to fail Gilbert—
“But my intuition was like one of those lightning flashes that encircle the whole horizon, and in the same instant I saw what I might be letting myself in for if I didn’t tell the truth. I said to myself: ‘I shall have him for life’—and I’d never yet seen any one, man or woman, whom I was quite sure of wanting on those terms. Well, this impulse of egotism decided me. I was ashamed of it, and to get away from it I took a leap that landed me straight in Gilbert’s arms.
“But my gut feeling was like one of those flashes of lightning that light up the entire sky, and in that moment, I realized what I might be getting into if I didn’t speak the truth. I told myself, 'I will have him for life'—and I had never met anyone, man or woman, that I was completely sure I wanted on those terms. Well, this selfish instinct made my decision for me. I was embarrassed by it, and to escape from that feeling, I took a leap that led me right into Gilbert’s arms.”
“‘The thing’s all right, and you’re all wrong!’ I shouted up at him; and as he hugged me, and I laughed and shook in his incredulous clutch, I had for a minute the sense of self-complacency that is supposed to attend the footsteps of the just. Hang it all, making people happy has its charms—
“‘Everything is fine, and you’re the one who's wrong!’ I yelled up at him; and as he held me tight, and I laughed and squirmed in his amazed grip, I had for a moment that feeling of self-satisfaction that’s said to come with doing the right thing. Honestly, making people happy really has its appeal—
“Gilbert, of course, was for celebrating his emancipation in some spectacular manner; but I sent him away alone to explode his emotions, and went to bed to sleep off mine. As I undressed I began to wonder what their after-taste would be—so many of the finest don’t keep! Still, I wasn’t sorry, and I meant to empty the bottle, even if it did turn a trifle flat.
“Gilbert, of course, wanted to celebrate his freedom in some big way; but I sent him off on his own to let out his feelings, and I went to bed to sleep off mine. As I got undressed, I started to wonder what the aftermath would be—so many of the best experiences don’t last! Still, I wasn’t upset, and I planned to finish the bottle, even if it did turn out a little stale."
“After I got into bed I lay for a long time smiling at the memory of his eyes—his blissful eyes... Then I fell asleep, and when I woke the room was deathly cold, and I sat up with a jerk—and there were the other eyes ...
“After I got into bed, I lay there for a long time smiling at the memory of his eyes—his joyful eyes... Then I fell asleep, and when I woke up, the room was freezing cold, and I sat up suddenly—and there were the other eyes ...
“It was three years since I’d seen them, but I’d thought of them so often that I fancied they could never take me unawares again. Now, with their red sneer on me, I knew that I had never really believed they would come back, and that I was as defenceless as ever against them ... As before, it was the insane irrelevance of their coming that made it so horrible. What the deuce were they after, to leap out at me at such a time? I had lived more or less carelessly in the years since I’d seen them, though my worst indiscretions were not dark enough to invite the searchings of their infernal glare; but at this particular moment I was really in what might have been called a state of grace; and I can’t tell you how the fact added to their horror ...
“It had been three years since I’d seen them, but I thought about them so often that I figured they could never catch me off guard again. Now, with their mocking smirks aimed at me, I realized I had never truly believed they would return, and I was just as defenseless against them as ever... As before, it was the completely absurd timing of their arrival that made it so terrifying. What in the world were they after, showing up at a time like this? I had lived fairly carelessly in the years since I last saw them, even though my worst mistakes weren’t bad enough to draw their hellish attention; but at this particular moment, I was genuinely in what could be called a state of grace, and I can’t express how much that fact intensified their horror...
“But it’s not enough to say they were as bad as before: they were worse. Worse by just so much as I’d learned of life in the interval; by all the damnable implications my wider experience read into them. I saw now what I hadn’t seen before: that they were eyes which had grown hideous gradually, which had built up their baseness coral-wise, bit by bit, out of a series of small turpitudes slowly accumulated through the industrious years. Yes—it came to me that what made them so bad was that they’d grown bad so slowly ...
“But it’s not enough to say they were as bad as before; they were worse. Worse by just as much as I’d learned about life during that time; by all the awful implications my broader experience read into them. I realized now what I hadn’t seen before: that their eyes had gradually become hideous, building up their ugliness like coral, bit by bit, from a series of small corruptions slowly accumulated over the years. Yes—it hit me that what made them so bad was that they’d become bad so slowly...”
“There they hung in the darkness, their swollen lids dropped across the little watery bulbs rolling loose in the orbits, and the puff of fat flesh making a muddy shadow underneath—and as their filmy stare moved with my movements, there came over me a sense of their tacit complicity, of a deep hidden understanding between us that was worse than the first shock of their strangeness. Not that I understood them; but that they made it so clear that some day I should ... Yes, that was the worst part of it, decidedly; and it was the feeling that became stronger each time they came back to me ...
“There they hung in the darkness, their swollen eyelids resting over the little watery eyes rolling loosely in the sockets, and the puff of soft flesh casting a muddy shadow underneath—and as their glazed gaze followed my movements, I felt an eerie sense of their silent complicity, of a deep, hidden understanding between us that was worse than the initial shock of their oddness. Not that I understood them; it was that they made it clear that someday I would ... Yes, that was definitely the worst part, and it was the feeling that grew stronger each time they returned to me ...”
“For they got into the damnable habit of coming back. They reminded me of vampires with a taste for young flesh, they seemed so to gloat over the taste of a good conscience. Every night for a month they came to claim their morsel of mine: since I’d made Gilbert happy they simply wouldn’t loosen their fangs. The coincidence almost made me hate him, poor lad, fortuitous as I felt it to be. I puzzled over it a good deal, but couldn’t find any hint of an explanation except in the chance of his association with Alice Nowell. But then the eyes had let up on me the moment I had abandoned her, so they could hardly be the emissaries of a woman scorned, even if one could have pictured poor Alice charging such spirits to avenge her. That set me thinking, and I began to wonder if they would let up on me if I abandoned Gilbert. The temptation was insidious, and I had to stiffen myself against it; but really, dear boy! he was too charming to be sacrificed to such demons. And so, after all, I never found out what they wanted ...”
“For they fell into the terrible habit of coming back. They reminded me of vampires with a taste for young flesh, so pleased with the flavor of a good conscience. Every night for a month they came to claim a piece of me: since I’d made Gilbert happy, they just wouldn’t let go. The coincidence almost made me resent him, poor guy, as random as it felt. I thought about it a lot, but couldn’t find any clue for an explanation except for his connection to Alice Nowell. But then the eyes stopped bothering me the moment I let her go, so they couldn’t be the agents of a woman scorned, even if you could imagine poor Alice sending such spirits to get back at me. That got me thinking, and I started to wonder if they would leave me alone if I gave up on Gilbert. The temptation was sneaky, and I had to brace myself against it; but honestly, dear boy! he was too charming to be sacrificed to such demons. And so, after all, I never found out what they wanted ...”
III
THE fire crumbled, sending up a flash which threw into relief the narrator’s gnarled red face under its grey-black stubble. Pressed into the hollow of the dark leather armchair, it stood out an instant like an intaglio of yellowish red-veined stone, with spots of enamel for the eyes; then the fire sank and in the shaded lamp-light it became once more a dim Rembrandtish blur.
THE fire crackled, sending up a burst of light that highlighted the narrator’s wrinkled red face under its grey-black stubble. Cradled in the hollow of the dark leather armchair, it briefly stood out like a carving of yellowish red-veined stone, with spots of color for the eyes; then the fire faded, and in the dim light of the lamp, it turned back into a blurry Rembrandt-like shadow.
Phil Frenham, sitting in a low chair on the opposite side of the hearth, one long arm propped on the table behind him, one hand supporting his thrown-back head, and his eyes steadily fixed on his old friend’s face, had not moved since the tale began. He continued to maintain his silent immobility after Culwin had ceased to speak, and it was I who, with a vague sense of disappointment at the sudden drop of the story, finally asked: “But how long did you keep on seeing them?”
Phil Frenham, sitting in a low chair across from the fireplace, one long arm resting on the table behind him, one hand supporting his reclined head, and his eyes fixed steadily on his old friend's face, hadn’t moved since the story started. He remained still even after Culwin stopped speaking, and it was I who, feeling a vague disappointment at the abrupt end of the tale, finally asked, “But how long did you keep seeing them?”
Culwin, so sunk into his chair that he seemed like a heap of his own empty clothes, stirred a little, as if in surprise at my question. He appeared to have half-forgotten what he had been telling us.
Culwin, so slumped in his chair that he looked like a pile of his own discarded clothes, stirred slightly, as if taken aback by my question. He seemed to have half-forgotten what he had been sharing with us.
“How long? Oh, off and on all that winter. It was infernal. I never got used to them. I grew really ill.”
“How long? Oh, on and off all that winter. It was unbearable. I never got used to them. I ended up getting really sick.”
Frenham shifted his attitude silently, and as he did so his elbow struck against a small mirror in a bronze frame standing on the table behind him. He turned and changed its angle slightly; then he resumed his former attitude, his dark head thrown back on his lifted palm, his eyes intent on Culwin’s face. Something in his stare embarrassed me, and as if to divert attention from it I pressed on with another question:
Frenham silently changed his posture, and as he did, his elbow bumped into a small mirror in a bronze frame on the table behind him. He turned, adjusted its angle slightly, and then returned to his previous position, his dark head resting on his raised palm, his eyes focused intently on Culwin’s face. There was something in his gaze that made me uncomfortable, and trying to shift the attention away from it, I continued with another question:
“And you never tried sacrificing Noyes?”
“And you never tried to sacrifice Noyes?”
“Oh, no. The fact is I didn’t have to. He did it for me, poor infatuated boy!”
“Oh, no. The truth is I didn’t have to. He did it for me, poor lovesick boy!”
“Did it for you? How do you mean?”
“Did it work for you? What do you mean?”
“He wore me out—wore everybody out. He kept on pouring out his lamentable twaddle, and hawking it up and down the place till he became a thing of terror. I tried to wean him from writing—oh, ever so gently, you understand, by throwing him with agreeable people, giving him a chance to make himself felt, to come to a sense of what he really had to give. I’d foreseen this solution from the beginning—felt sure that, once the first ardour of authorship was quenched, he’d drop into his place as a charming parasitic thing, the kind of chronic Cherubino for whom, in old societies, there’s always a seat at table, and a shelter behind the ladies’ skirts. I saw him take his place as ‘the poet’: the poet who doesn’t write. One knows the type in every drawing-room. Living in that way doesn’t cost much—I’d worked it all out in my mind, and felt sure that, with a little help, he could manage it for the next few years; and meanwhile he’d be sure to marry. I saw him married to a widow, rather older, with a good cook and a well-run house. And I actually had my eye on the widow ... Meanwhile I did everything to facilitate the transition—lent him money to ease his conscience, introduced him to pretty women to make him forget his vows. But nothing would do him: he had but one idea in his beautiful obstinate head. He wanted the laurel and not the rose, and he kept on repeating Gautier’s axiom, and battering and filing at his limp prose till he’d spread it out over Lord knows how many thousand sloppy pages. Now and then he would send a pailful to a publisher, and of course it would always come back.
“He exhausted me—exhausted everyone. He kept droning on with his pathetic nonsense, pushing it around everywhere until he became terrifying. I tried to steer him away from writing—oh, very gently, you know, by surrounding him with nice people, giving him a chance to stand out, to realize what he really had to offer. I’d anticipated this solution from the start—was sure that, once the initial excitement of being an author faded, he’d settle into his role as a charming leech, the kind of chronic Cherubino that, in old societies, always had a seat at the table and a hideaway behind the ladies’ skirts. I imagined him taking his position as ‘the poet’: the poet who doesn’t write. You know the type in every drawing-room. Living that way doesn’t cost much—I had it all figured out, and I was confident that, with a bit of help, he could manage it for the next few years; and in the meantime, he was bound to get married. I pictured him married to a widow, a bit older, with a good cook and a well-kept home. And I even had my eye on the widow... Meanwhile, I did everything to help him make the transition—lent him money to soothe his conscience, introduced him to attractive women to help him forget his promises. But nothing worked: he had only one idea in his beautiful stubborn head. He wanted the laurel, not the rose, and he kept reciting Gautier’s saying, tirelessly tinkering with his limp prose until he’d churned out who knows how many thousands of sloppy pages. Every now and then he’d send a bucketful to a publisher, and naturally, it would always come back.”
“At first it didn’t matter—he thought he was ‘misunderstood.’ He took the attitudes of genius, and whenever an opus came home he wrote another to keep it company. Then he had a reaction of despair, and accused me of deceiving him, and Lord knows what. I got angry at that, and told him it was he who had deceived himself. He’d come to me determined to write, and I’d done my best to help him. That was the extent of my offence, and I’d done it for his cousin’s sake, not his.
“At first, it didn’t matter—he thought he was ‘misunderstood.’ He embraced the attitude of a genius, and every time an artwork came back home, he created another to accompany it. Then he fell into despair and accused me of deceiving him, and God knows what else. I got angry at that and told him he was the one deceiving himself. He had come to me eager to write, and I had done my best to support him. That was the extent of my wrongdoing, and I did it for his cousin’s sake, not his.”
“That seemed to strike home, and he didn’t answer for a minute. Then he said: ‘My time’s up and my money’s up. What do you think I’d better do?’
“That seemed to hit home, and he didn’t respond for a minute. Then he said: ‘My time’s up and my money’s gone. What do you think I should do?’”
“‘I think you’d better not be an ass,’ I said.
“I think you’d better not be an idiot,” I said.
“He turned red, and asked: ‘What do you mean by being an ass?’
“He turned red and asked, ‘What do you mean by being a jerk?’”
“I took a letter from my desk and held it out to him.
“I grabbed a letter from my desk and handed it to him.
“‘I mean refusing this offer of Mrs. Ellinger’s: to be her secretary at a salary of five thousand dollars. There may be a lot more in it than that.’
“‘I’m talking about turning down Mrs. Ellinger’s offer to be her secretary for a salary of five thousand dollars. There might be a lot more to it than just that.’”
“He flung out his hand with a violence that struck the letter from mine. ‘Oh, I know well enough what’s in it!’ he said, scarlet to the roots of his hair.
“He threw his hand out with such force that it knocked the letter out of my hand. ‘Oh, I know exactly what’s in it!’ he said, blushing bright red.”
“‘And what’s your answer, if you know?’ I asked.
“‘So what’s your answer, if you know?’ I asked.”
“He made none at the minute, but turned away slowly to the door. There, with his hand on the threshold, he stopped to ask, almost under his breath: ‘Then you really think my stuff’s no good?’
“He didn’t say anything right away but slowly turned to the door. There, with his hand on the frame, he paused to ask, almost whispering: ‘So you really think my stuff isn’t any good?’”
“I was tired and exasperated, and I laughed. I don’t defend my laugh—it was in wretched taste. But I must plead in extenuation that the boy was a fool, and that I’d done my best for him—I really had.
“I was tired and frustrated, and I laughed. I’m not going to justify my laugh—it was in really bad taste. But I have to explain that the kid was an idiot, and that I’d done everything I could for him—I really had.
“He went out of the room, shutting the door quietly after him. That afternoon I left for Frascati, where I’d promised to spend the Sunday with some friends. I was glad to escape from Gilbert, and by the same token, as I learned that night, I had also escaped from the eyes. I dropped into the same lethargic sleep that had come to me before when their visitations ceased; and when I woke the next morning, in my peaceful painted room above the ilexes, I felt the utter weariness and deep relief that always followed on that repairing slumber. I put in two blessed nights at Frascati, and when I got back to my rooms in Rome I found that Gilbert had gone ... Oh, nothing tragic had happened—the episode never rose to that. He’d simply packed his manuscripts and left for America—for his family and the Wall Street desk. He left a decent little note to tell me of his decision, and behaved altogether, in the circumstances, as little like a fool as it’s possible for a fool to behave ...”
“He stepped out of the room, quietly closing the door behind him. That afternoon, I headed to Frascati, where I had promised to spend Sunday with some friends. I was relieved to get away from Gilbert, and as I discovered that night, I also escaped from their watchful gaze. I fell into the same sluggish sleep that had overtaken me before when their visits stopped; and when I woke up the next morning in my calm, painted room among the ilexes, I felt the familiar exhaustion and deep relief that always followed that restorative sleep. I enjoyed two much-needed nights in Frascati, and when I returned to my place in Rome, I found that Gilbert had left... Oh, nothing tragic had happened—the situation never escalated to that. He had simply packed up his manuscripts and headed to America—for his family and his Wall Street job. He left a nice little note to inform me of his decision, and acted, overall, in those circumstances, as little like a fool as a fool can act...”
IV
CULWIN paused again, and again Frenham sat motionless, the dusky contour of his young head reflected in the mirror at his back.
CULWIN paused again, and once more, Frenham sat still, the shadowy outline of his youthful head mirrored behind him.
“And what became of Noyes afterward?” I finally asked, still disquieted by a sense of incompleteness, by the need of some connecting thread between the parallel lines of the tale.
“And what happened to Noyes after that?” I finally asked, still troubled by a feeling of incompleteness, by the need for some connection between the parallel lines of the story.
Culwin twitched his shoulders. “Oh, nothing became of him—because he became nothing. There could be no question of ‘becoming’ about it. He vegetated in an office, I believe, and finally got a clerkship in a consulate, and married drearily in China. I saw him once in Hong Kong, years afterward. He was fat and hadn’t shaved. I was told he drank. He didn’t recognize me.”
Culwin shrugged his shoulders. “Oh, nothing happened to him—because he turned into nothing. There was no question of ‘becoming’ for him. He just sat around in an office, I think, and eventually got a job as a clerk in a consulate, and married boringly in China. I saw him once in Hong Kong, years later. He was overweight and hadn’t shaved. I heard he was drinking a lot. He didn’t recognize me.”
“And the eyes?” I asked, after another pause which Frenham’s continued silence made oppressive.
“And what about the eyes?” I asked, after another pause that Frenham’s ongoing silence made uncomfortable.
Culwin, stroking his chin, blinked at me meditatively through the shadows. “I never saw them after my last talk with Gilbert. Put two and two together if you can. For my part, I haven’t found the link.”
Culwin, rubbing his chin, looked at me thoughtfully through the shadows. “I never saw them after my last conversation with Gilbert. Put two and two together if you can. As for me, I haven’t found the connection.”
He rose stiffly, his hands in his pockets, and walked over to the table on which reviving drinks had been set out.
He got up awkwardly, with his hands in his pockets, and walked over to the table where refreshing drinks were laid out.
“You must be parched after this dry tale. Here, help yourself, my dear fellow. Here, Phil—” He turned back to the hearth.
“You must be really thirsty after this dry story. Here, help yourself, my friend. Here, Phil—” He turned back to the fireplace.
Frenham still sat in his low chair, making no response to his host’s hospitable summons. But as Culwin advanced toward him, their eyes met in a long look; after which, to my intense surprise, the young man, turning suddenly in his seat, flung his arms across the table, and dropped his face upon them.
Frenham still sat in his low chair, not responding to his host’s friendly invitation. But as Culwin walked over to him, their eyes locked in a long gaze; after which, to my complete surprise, the young man suddenly turned in his seat, threw his arms across the table, and rested his face on them.
Culwin, at the unexpected gesture, stopped short, a flush on his face.
Culwin, taken by surprise, paused abruptly, his face flushing.
“Phil—what the deuce? Why, have the eyes scared you? My dear boy—my dear fellow—I never had such a tribute to my literary ability, never!”
“Phil—what the heck? Why, have the eyes frightened you? My dear boy—my dear fellow—I’ve never received such a compliment to my writing skills, never!”
He broke into a chuckle at the thought, and halted on the hearth-rug, his hands still in his pockets, gazing down in honest perplexity at the youth’s bowed head. Then, as Frenham still made no answer, he moved a step or two nearer.
He chuckled at the thought and stopped on the rug in front of the fireplace, his hands still in his pockets, looking down in genuine confusion at the young man's bowed head. Then, since Frenham still didn't respond, he took a step or two closer.
“Cheer up, my dear Phil! It’s years since I’ve seen them—apparently I’ve done nothing lately bad enough to call them out of chaos. Unless my present evocation of them has made you see them; which would be their worst stroke yet!”
“Cheer up, my dear Phil! It’s been years since I’ve seen them—apparently I haven’t done anything lately bad enough to summon them from chaos. Unless my current mention of them has made you see them; that would be their worst move yet!”
His bantering appeal quivered off into an uneasy laugh, and he moved still nearer, bending over Frenham, and laying his gouty hands on the lad’s shoulders.
His playful charm faded into an awkward laugh, and he leaned in closer, bending over Frenham and placing his swollen hands on the boy’s shoulders.
“Phil, my dear boy, really—what’s the matter? Why don’t you answer? Have you seen the eyes?”
“Phil, my dear boy, really—what’s going on? Why aren’t you responding? Have you seen the eyes?”
Frenham’s face was still pressed against his arms, and from where I stood behind Culwin I saw the latter, as if under the rebuff of this unaccountable attitude, draw back slowly from his friend. As he did so, the light of the lamp on the table fell full on his perplexed congested face, and I caught its sudden reflection in the mirror behind Frenham’s head.
Frenham’s face was still resting on his arms, and from where I was standing behind Culwin, I saw him gradually pull away from his friend, as if disturbed by this strange behavior. As he moved back, the lamp's light on the table illuminated his confused, flushed face, and I noticed its sudden reflection in the mirror behind Frenham’s head.
Culwin saw the reflection also. He paused, his face level with the mirror, as if scarcely recognizing the countenance in it as his own. But as he looked his expression gradually changed, and for an appreciable space of time he and the image in the glass confronted each other with a glare of slowly gathering hate. Then Culwin let go of Frenham’s shoulders, and drew back a step, covering his eyes with his hands ...
Culwin saw the reflection too. He paused, his face at the level of the mirror, as if barely recognizing the face in it as his own. But as he stared, his expression slowly changed, and for a significant amount of time, he and the image in the glass faced each other with a growing glare of hate. Then Culwin released Frenham’s shoulders and took a step back, covering his eyes with his hands...
Frenham, his face still hidden, did not stir.
Frenham, still keeping his face hidden, didn't move.
THE BLOND BEAST
I
IT had been almost too easy—that was young Millner’s first feeling, as he stood again on the Spence door-step, the great moment of his interview behind him, and Fifth Avenue rolling its grimy Pactolus at his feet.
IT had been almost too easy—that was young Millner’s first feeling, as he stood again on the Spence doorstep, the significant moment of his interview behind him, and Fifth Avenue rolling its dirty wealth at his feet.
Halting there in the winter light, with the clang of the ponderous vestibule doors in his ears, and his eyes carried down the perspective of the packed interminable thoroughfare, he even dared to remember Rastignac’s apostrophe to Paris, and to hazard recklessly under his small fair moustache: “Who knows?”
Halting there in the winter light, with the sound of the heavy vestibule doors echoing in his ears, and his eyes tracing down the endless busy street, he even dared to recall Rastignac's tribute to Paris and recklessly murmured under his small light moustache: “Who knows?”
He, Hugh Millner, at any rate, knew a good deal already: a good deal more than he had imagined it possible to learn in half an hour’s talk with a man like Orlando G. Spence; and the loud-rumouring city spread out there before him seemed to grin like an accomplice who knew the rest.
He, Hugh Millner, at least knew a lot already: a lot more than he thought possible to learn in just half an hour of conversation with someone like Orlando G. Spence; and the noisy city laid out before him seemed to smirk like a partner in crime who knew the whole story.
A gust of wind, whirling down from the dizzy height of the building on the next corner, drove sharply through his overcoat and compelled him to clutch at his hat. It was a bitter January day, a day of fierce light and air, when the sunshine cut like icicles and the wind sucked one into black gulfs at the street corners. But Millner’s complacency was like a warm lining to his shabby coat, and heaving steadied his hat he continued to stand on the Spence threshold, lost in the vision revealed to him from the Pisgah of its marble steps. Yes, it was wonderful what the vision showed him. ... In his absorption he might have frozen fast to the door-step if the Rhadamanthine portals behind him had not suddenly opened to let out a slim fur-coated figure, the figure, as he perceived, of the youth whom he had caught in the act of withdrawal as he entered Mr. Spence’s study, and whom the latter, with a wave of his affable hand, had detained to introduce as “my son Draper.”
A gust of wind, swirling down from the dizzy height of the building on the next corner, cut through his overcoat and made him grab his hat. It was a bitter January day, fierce with light and air, where the sunshine felt sharp like icicles and the wind pulled you into dark corners at the street intersections. But Millner’s confidence felt like a cozy lining to his worn coat, and as he adjusted his hat, he continued to stand on the Spence doorstep, lost in the vision that opened up to him from the marble steps. Yes, it was amazing what the vision showed him. ... In his deep focus, he might have frozen to the doorstep if the stern doors behind him hadn’t suddenly swung open to let out a slim figure in a fur coat—the same youth he had caught trying to leave as he entered Mr. Spence’s study, and whom Mr. Spence, with a friendly wave, had stopped to introduce as “my son Draper.”
It was characteristic of the odd friendliness of the whole scene that the great man should have thought it worth while to call back and name his heir to a mere humble applicant like Millner; and that the heir should shed on him, from a pale high-browed face, a smile of such deprecating kindness. It was characteristic, equally, of Millner, that he should at once mark the narrowness of the shoulders sustaining this ingenuous head; a narrowness, as he now observed, imperfectly concealed by the wide fur collar of young Spence’s expensive and badly cut coat. But the face took on, as the youth smiled his surprise at their second meeting, a look of almost plaintive good-will: the kind of look that Millner scorned and yet could never quite resist.
It was typical of the strange friendliness of the whole situation that the important man thought it was worth his time to turn back and name his heir to a simple applicant like Millner; and that the heir should offer him, from a pale, high-browed face, a smile filled with such humble kindness. It was equally typical of Millner that he immediately noticed the narrowness of the shoulders holding up this straightforward head; a narrowness that he now observed was poorly hidden by the wide fur collar of young Spence’s expensive but poorly tailored coat. But as the young man smiled in surprise at their second meeting, his face took on a look of almost pitiful goodwill: the kind of expression that Millner scorned yet could never quite resist.
“Mr. Millner? Are you—er—waiting?” the lad asked, with an intention of serviceableness that was like a finer echo of his father’s resounding cordiality.
“Mr. Millner? Are you—um—waiting?” the boy asked, with a helpful intent that was like a more refined echo of his father’s booming friendliness.
“For my motor? No,” Millner jested in his frank free voice. “The fact is, I was just standing here lost in the contemplation of my luck”—and as his companion’s pale blue eyes seemed to shape a question, “my extraordinary luck,” he explained, “in having been engaged as your father’s secretary.”
“For my car? No,” Millner joked in his straightforward voice. “The truth is, I was just standing here, thinking about how lucky I am”—and as his companion’s pale blue eyes seemed to ask a question, “how extraordinarily lucky I am,” he clarified, “to have been hired as your father’s secretary.”
“Oh,” the other rejoined, with a faint colour in his sallow cheek. “I’m so glad,” he murmured: “but I was sure—” He stopped, and the two looked kindly at each other.
“Oh,” the other replied, with a slight flush on his pale cheek. “I’m so glad,” he whispered: “but I was sure—” He paused, and the two exchanged warm looks.
Millner averted his gaze first, almost fearful of its betraying the added sense of his own strength and dexterity which he drew from the contrast of the other’s frailness.
Millner looked away first, almost afraid that his own strength and skill, which he felt more acutely because of the other person's weakness, would be revealed.
“Sure? How could any one be sure? I don’t believe in it yet!” he laughed out in the irony of his triumph.
“Sure? How could anyone be sure? I don’t believe in it yet!” he laughed out in the irony of his triumph.
The boy’s words did not sound like a mere civility—Millner felt in them an homage to his power.
The boy’s words didn’t come off as just polite—Millner felt they were a tribute to his authority.
“Oh, yes: I was sure,” young Draper repeated. “Sure as soon as I saw you, I mean.”
“Oh, yeah: I was sure,” young Draper repeated. “Sure as soon as I saw you, I mean.”
Millner tingled again with this tribute to his physical straightness and bloom. Yes, he looked his part, hang it—he looked it!
Millner felt a thrill again at this acknowledgment of his physical uprightness and vitality. Yes, he fit the role perfectly—he really did!
But his companion still lingered, a shy sociability in his eye.
But his companion still hung around, a shy friendliness in his eye.
“If you’re walking, then, can I go along a little way?” And he nodded southward down the shabby gaudy avenue.
“If you’re walking, can I join you for a bit?” And he nodded south down the rundown, flashy avenue.
That, again, was part of the high comedy of the hour—that Millner should descend the Spence steps at young Spence’s side, and stroll down Fifth Avenue with him at the proudest moment of the afternoon; O. G. Spence’s secretary walking abroad with O. G. Spence’s heir! He had the scientific detachment to pull out his watch and furtively note the hour. Yes—it was exactly forty minutes since he had rung the Spence door-bell and handed his card to a gelid footman, who, openly sceptical of his claim to be received, had left him unceremoniously planted on the cold tessellations of the vestibule.
That, once again, was part of the high comedy of the moment—Millner should walk down the Spence steps next to young Spence and stroll down Fifth Avenue with him at the proudest moment of the afternoon; O. G. Spence’s secretary out with O. G. Spence’s heir! He had the scientific detachment to pull out his watch and secretly note the time. Yes—it had been exactly forty minutes since he had rung the Spence doorbell and handed his card to a chilly footman, who, openly doubtful of his right to be let in, had left him unceremoniously standing on the cold tiles of the foyer.
“Some day,” Miller grinned to himself, “I think I’ll take that footman as furnace-man—or to do the boots.” And he pictured his marble palace rising from the earth to form the mausoleum of a footman’s pride.
“Someday,” Miller grinned to himself, “I think I’ll have that footman work as a furnace-man—or to polish the boots.” And he imagined his marble palace rising from the ground, becoming the monument to a footman’s pride.
Only forty minutes ago! And now he had his opportunity fast! And he never meant to let it go! It was incredible, what had happened in the interval. He had gone up the Spence steps an unknown young man, out of a job, and with no substantial hope of getting into one: a needy young man with a mother and two limp sisters to be helped, and a lengthening figure of debt that stood by his bed through the anxious nights. And he went down the steps with his present assured, and his future lit by the hues of the rainbow above the pot of gold. Certainly a fellow who made his way at that rate had it “in him,” and could afford to trust his star.
Only forty minutes ago! And now he had his chance fast! And he never meant to let it slip away! It was incredible what had happened in that short time. He had gone up the Spence steps as an unknown young man, unemployed, and without much hope of finding a job: a struggling young man with a mother and two dependent sisters to support, and a growing pile of debt looming over him during his restless nights. And he came down the steps with his present secured, and his future brightened by the colors of the rainbow over the pot of gold. Clearly, a guy who was making progress like that had what it takes, and could afford to follow his dreams.
Descending from this joyous flight he stooped his ear to the discourse of young Spence.
Descending from this joyful flight, he leaned in to listen to the conversation of young Spence.
“My father’ll work you rather hard, you know: but you look as if you wouldn’t mind that.”
“My dad is going to work you pretty hard, you know; but you seem like you wouldn’t mind.”
Millner pulled up his inches with the self-consciousness of the man who had none to waste. “Oh, no, I shan’t mind that: I don’t mind any amount of work if it leads to something.”
Millner straightened up with the awareness of someone who didn't have any to spare. “Oh, no, I won’t mind that: I don’t mind working hard if it gets me somewhere.”
“Just so,” Draper Spence assented eagerly. “That’s what I feel. And you’ll find that whatever my father undertakes leads to such awfully fine things.”
“Exactly,” Draper Spence agreed eagerly. “That’s how I feel. And you’ll see that whatever my father takes on leads to such amazing things.”
Millner tightened his lips on a grin. He was thinking only of where the work would lead him, not in the least of where it might land the eminent Orlando G. Spence. But he looked at his companion sympathetically.
Millner pressed his lips together to hold back a smile. He was only focused on where the work would take him, not at all on where it might leave the distinguished Orlando G. Spence. But he looked at his companion with understanding.
“You’re a philanthropist like your father, I see?”
“You’re a philanthropist just like your dad, I see?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” They had paused at a crossing, and young Draper, with a dubious air, stood striking his agate-headed stick against the curb-stone. “I believe in a purpose, don’t you?” he asked, lifting his blue eyes suddenly to Millner’s face.
“Oh, I don’t know.” They had paused at a crosswalk, and young Draper, looking uncertain, stood tapping his agate-headed stick against the curb. “I believe in a purpose, don’t you?” he asked, suddenly lifting his blue eyes to Millner’s face.
“A purpose? I should rather say so! I believe in nothing else,” cried Millner, feeling as if his were something he could grip in his hand and swing like a club.
“A purpose? You bet! I believe in nothing else,” shouted Millner, feeling as if it was something he could hold in his hand and swing like a bat.
Young Spence seemed relieved. “Yes—I tie up to that. There is a Purpose. And so, after all, even if I don’t agree with my father on minor points ...” He coloured quickly, and looked again at Millner. “I should like to talk to you about this some day.”
Young Spence looked relieved. “Yeah—I get that. There is a purpose. So, even if I don’t see eye to eye with my dad on some minor issues...” He blushed quickly and glanced back at Millner. “I’d like to discuss this with you someday.”
Millner smothered another smile. “We’ll have lots of talks, I hope.”
Millner held back another smile. “I hope we’ll have plenty of conversations.”
“Oh, if you can spare the time—!” said Draper, almost humbly.
“Oh, if you have a moment—!” said Draper, almost shyly.
“Why, I shall be there on tap!”
"I'll be there soon!"
“For father, not me.” Draper hesitated, with another self-confessing smile. “Father thinks I talk too much—that I keep going in and out of things. He doesn’t believe in analyzing: he thinks it’s destructive. But it hasn’t destroyed my ideals.” He looked wistfully up and down the clanging street. “And that’s the main thing, isn’t it? I mean, that one should have an Ideal.” He turned back almost gaily to Millner. “I suspect you’re a revolutionist too!”
“For dad, not me.” Draper paused, with another revealing smile. “Dad thinks I talk too much—that I keep drifting in and out of conversations. He doesn’t believe in overanalyzing: he thinks it’s harmful. But it hasn’t crushed my ideals.” He looked longingly up and down the noisy street. “And that’s the most important thing, right? I mean, that everyone should have an Ideal.” He turned back almost cheerfully to Millner. “I think you might be a revolutionist too!”
“Revolutionist? Rather! I belong to the Red Syndicate and the Black Hand!” Millner joyfully assented.
“Revolutionary? Absolutely! I'm part of the Red Syndicate and the Black Hand!” Millner happily agreed.
Young Draper chuckled at the enormity of the joke. “First rate! We’ll have incendiary meetings!” He pulled an elaborately armorial watch from his enfolding furs. “I’m so sorry, but I must say good-bye—this is my street,” he explained. Millner, with a faint twinge of envy, glanced across at the colonnaded marble edifice in the farther corner. “Going to the club?” he said carelessly.
Young Draper laughed at the size of the joke. “Top-notch! We’ll have explosive meetings!” He took out a fancy, decorative watch from his stylish fur coat. “I’m really sorry, but I have to say goodbye—this is my street,” he said. Millner, feeling a slight twinge of envy, looked over at the grand marble building in the distance. “Heading to the club?” he asked casually.
His companion looked surprised. “Oh, no: I never go there. It’s too boring.” And he brought out, after one of the pauses in which he seemed rather breathlessly to measure the chances of his listener’s indulgence: “I’m just going over to a little Bible Class I have in Tenth Avenue.”
His friend looked surprised. “Oh, no: I never go there. It’s too boring.” And he added, after one of the pauses when he seemed to take a breath and gauge how forgiving his listener might be: “I’m just heading over to a small Bible Class I have on Tenth Avenue.”
Millner, for a moment or two, stood watching the slim figure wind its way through the mass of vehicles to the opposite corner; then he pursued his own course down Fifth Avenue, measuring his steps to the rhythmic refrain: “It’s too easy—it’s too easy—it’s too easy!”
Millner stood for a moment, watching the slender figure navigate through the crowd of vehicles to the other corner; then he continued on his path down Fifth Avenue, matching his steps to the rhythmic chant: “It’s too easy—it’s too easy—it’s too easy!”
His own destination being the small shabby flat off University Place where three tender females awaited the result of his mission, he had time, on the way home, after abandoning himself to a general sense of triumph, to dwell specifically on the various aspects of his achievement. Viewed materially and practically, it was a thing to be proud of; yet it was chiefly on aesthetic grounds—because he had done so exactly what he had set out to do—that he glowed with pride at the afternoon’s work. For, after all, any young man with the proper “pull” might have applied to Orlando G. Spence for the post of secretary, and even have penetrated as far as the great man’s study; but that he, Hugh Millner, should not only have forced his way to this fastness, but have established, within a short half hour, his right to remain there permanently: well, this, if it proved anything, proved that the first rule of success was to know how to live up to one’s principles.
His destination was the small, shabby apartment off University Place, where three caring women were waiting for the outcome of his mission. On his way home, after indulging in a sense of triumph, he had time to reflect on the different aspects of his achievement. From a material and practical standpoint, it was something to be proud of; however, it was mainly for aesthetic reasons—because he had accomplished exactly what he set out to do—that he felt a glow of pride from the afternoon's work. After all, any young man with the right connections could have applied to Orlando G. Spence for the secretary position and even made it as far as the great man's office. But for him, Hugh Millner, not only to have forced his way into this stronghold but also to have established, within a short half hour, his right to stay there permanently: well, if that proved anything, it proved that the first rule of success was knowing how to live by one's principles.
“One must have a plan—one must have a plan,” the young man murmured, looking with pity at the vague faces which the crowd bore past him, and feeling almost impelled to detain them and expound his doctrine. But the planlessness of average human nature was of course the measure of his opportunity; and he smiled to think that every purposeless face he met was a guarantee of his own advancement, a rung in the ladder he meant to climb.
“One needs a plan—one needs a plan,” the young man whispered, looking with sympathy at the indistinct faces that the crowd passed by, feeling almost compelled to stop them and share his beliefs. But the lack of direction in average human nature was, of course, the measure of his opportunity; and he smiled at the thought that every aimless face he encountered was a guarantee of his own progress, a step on the ladder he intended to climb.
Yes, the whole secret of success was to know what one wanted to do, and not to be afraid to do it. His own history was proving that already. He had not been afraid to give up his small but safe position in a real-estate office for the precarious adventure of a private secretaryship; and his first glimpse of his new employer had convinced him that he had not mistaken his calling. When one has a “way” with one—as, in all modesty, Millner knew he had—not to utilize it is a stupid waste of force. And when he had learned that Orlando G. Spence was in search of a private secretary who should be able to give him intelligent assistance in the execution of his philanthropic schemes, the young man felt that his hour had come. It was no part of his plan to associate himself with one of the masters of finance: he had a notion that minnows who go to a whale to learn how to grow bigger are likely to be swallowed in the process. The opportunity of a clever young man with a cool head and no prejudices (this again was drawn from life) lay rather in making himself indispensable to one of the beneficent rich, and in using the timidities and conformities of his patron as the means of his scruples about formulating these principles to himself. It was not for nothing that, in his college days, he had hunted the hypothetical “moral sense” to its lair, and dragged from their concealment the various self-advancing sentiments dissembled under its edifying guise. His strength lay in his precocious insight into the springs of action, and in his refusal to classify them according to the accepted moral and social sanctions. He had to the full the courage of his lack of convictions.
Yes, the whole secret of success was knowing what you wanted to do and not being afraid to go for it. His own history was already proving that. He had not been afraid to leave his small but secure job at a real estate office for the risky adventure of being a private secretary; and his first look at his new boss confirmed that he hadn’t made a mistake about his career choice. When you have a “gift” for something—as Millner modestly knew he did—not using it is a total waste of potential. And when he found out that Orlando G. Spence was looking for a private secretary who could provide smart assistance with his philanthropic efforts, the young man felt that his moment had arrived. It wasn’t part of his plan to get involved with one of the financial big shots: he thought that minnows who approach a whale to learn how to grow are likely to get swallowed in the process. The opportunity for a clever young man with a clear head and no biases (this too was based on real life) lay in making himself essential to one of the generous rich, using his boss's shyness and tendencies to follow the norm as a way to clarify his own mixed feelings about these principles. It was for good reason that, during his college days, he had sought out the hypothetical “moral sense” to uncover the various self-serving sentiments hidden beneath its respectable exterior. His strength lay in his keen ability to understand the motivations behind actions, and in his refusal to categorize them according to the usual moral and social standards. He fully possessed the courage of his lack of beliefs.
To a young man so untrammelled by prejudice it was self-evident that helpless philanthropists like Orlando G. Spence were just as much the natural diet of the strong as the lamb is of the wolf. It was pleasanter to eat than to be eaten, in a world where, as yet, there seemed to be no third alternative; and any scruples one might feel as to the temporary discomfort of one’s victim were speedily dispelled by that larger scientific view which took into account the social destructiveness of the benevolent. Millner was persuaded that every individual woe mitigated by the philanthropy of Orlando G. Spence added just so much to the sum-total of human inefficiency, and it was one of his favourite subjects of speculation to picture the innumerable social evils that may follow upon the rescue of one infant from Mount Taygetus.
To a young man so free from bias, it was obvious that helpless philanthropists like Orlando G. Spence were just as much the natural prey of the strong as a lamb is to a wolf. It was better to consume than to be consumed in a world where, so far, there seemed to be no other option; and any guilt one might feel about the temporary discomfort of their victim was quickly dismissed by a broader, scientific perspective that recognized the social harm caused by the well-meaning. Millner believed that every individual sorrow eased by Orlando G. Spence's philanthropy contributed to the overall inefficiency of humanity, and one of his favorite topics to ponder was the countless social problems that could arise from saving one child from Mount Taygetus.
“We’re all born to prey on each other, and pity for suffering is one of the most elementary stages of egotism. Until one has passed beyond, and acquired a taste for the more complex forms of the instinct—”
“We’re all born to take advantage of one another, and feeling sorry for someone’s pain is one of the most basic forms of self-interest. Until you move past that and develop a liking for more intricate versions of the instinct—”
He stopped suddenly, checked in his advance by a sallow wisp of a dog which had plunged through the press of vehicles to hurl itself between his legs. Millner did not dislike animals, though he preferred that they should be healthy and handsome. The dog under his feet was neither. Its cringing contour showed an injudicious mingling of races, and its meagre coat betrayed the deplorable habit of sleeping in coal-holes and subsisting on an innutritious diet. In addition to these physical disadvantages, its shrinking and inconsequent movements revealed a congenital weakness of character which, even under more favourable conditions, would hardly have qualified it to become a useful member of society; and Millner was not sorry to notice that it moved with a limp of the hind leg that probably doomed it to speedy extinction.
He stopped abruptly, interrupted by a scrawny little dog that had dashed through the crowd of vehicles to throw itself between his legs. Millner didn’t have anything against animals, but he preferred them to be healthy and good-looking. The dog at his feet was neither. Its pitiful shape showed a bad mix of breeds, and its thin coat revealed the sad habit of sleeping in coal holes and eating a worthless diet. Besides these physical issues, its timid and aimless movements showed a fundamental weakness of character that, even under better circumstances, would hardly make it a useful member of society; and Millner wasn’t sorry to see it limping on a hind leg that likely meant it wouldn’t last long.
The absurdity of such an animal’s attempting to cross Fifth Avenue at the most crowded hour of the afternoon struck him as only less great than the irony of its having been permitted to achieve the feat; and he stood a moment looking at it, and wondering what had moved it to the attempt. It was really a perfect type of the human derelict which Orlando G. Spence and his kind were devoting their millions to perpetuate, and he reflected how much better Nature knew her business in dealing with the superfluous quadruped.
The absurdity of such an animal trying to cross Fifth Avenue during the busiest time of the afternoon struck him as only slightly less amusing than the irony of it being allowed to do so; he stood for a moment watching it and wondering what had prompted the attempt. It was truly a perfect example of the human outcast that Orlando G. Spence and his peers were investing their millions to preserve, and he thought about how much better Nature understood her role in handling the excess quadruped.
An elderly lady advancing in the opposite direction evidently took a less dispassionate view of the case, for she paused to remark emotionally: “Oh, you poor thing!” while she stooped to caress the object of her sympathy. The dog, with characteristic lack of discrimination, viewed her gesture with suspicion, and met it with a snarl. The lady turned pale and shrank away, a chivalrous male repelled the animal with his umbrella, and two idle boys backed his action by a vigorous “Hi!” The object of these hostile demonstrations, apparently attributing them not to its own unsocial conduct, but merely to the chronic animosity of the universe, dashed wildly around the corner into a side street, and as it did so Millner noticed that the lame leg left a little trail of blood. Irresistibly, he turned the corner to see what would happen next. It was deplorably clear that the animal itself had no plan; but after several inconsequent and contradictory movements it plunged down an area, where it backed up against the iron gate, forlornly and foolishly at bay.
An elderly lady walking in the opposite direction clearly had a more emotional reaction, as she paused to say, “Oh, you poor thing!” while bending down to pet the object of her concern. The dog, showing its usual lack of judgment, responded to her gesture with suspicion and let out a snarl. The lady turned pale and recoiled, while a courageous man pushed the animal away with his umbrella, and two idle boys supported him with a loud “Hi!” The target of these aggressive reactions, seemingly blaming the universe’s ongoing hostility rather than its own unfriendly behavior, ran wildly around the corner into a side street. As it did, Millner noticed that the injured leg was leaving a small trail of blood. Unable to resist, he followed the corner to see what would happen next. It became painfully obvious that the animal had no plan; after several random and conflicting movements, it darted down a passageway, where it pressed against an iron gate, dejected and foolishly trapped.
Millner, still following, looked down at it, and wondered. Then he whistled, just to see if it would come; but this only caused it to start up on its quivering legs, with desperate turns of the head that measured the chances of escape.
Millner, still trailing behind, looked down at it and wondered. Then he whistled, just to see if it would come; but this only made it start up on its trembling legs, with frantic turns of its head that assessed the chances of escape.
“Oh, hang it, you poor devil, stay there if you like!” the young man murmured, walking away.
“Oh, forget it, you poor guy, stay there if you want!” the young man murmured, walking away.
A few yards off he looked back, and saw that the dog had made a rush out of the area and was limping furtively down the street. The idle boys were in the offing, and he disliked the thought of leaving them in control of the situation. Softly, with infinite precautions, he began to follow the dog. He did not know why he was doing it, but the impulse was overmastering. For a moment he seemed to be gaining upon his quarry, but with a cunning sense of his approach it suddenly turned and hobbled across the frozen grass-plot adjoining a shuttered house. Against the wall at the back of the plot it cowered down in a dirty snow-drift, as if disheartened by the struggle. Millner stood outside the railings and looked at it. He reflected that under the shelter of the winter dusk it might have the luck to remain there unmolested, and that in the morning it would probably be dead of cold. This was so obviously the best solution that he began to move away again; but as he did so the idle boys confronted him.
A few yards away, he looked back and saw that the dog had bolted out of the area and was limping away down the street. The idle boys were nearby, and he didn’t like the idea of leaving them in charge of the situation. Quietly, with great care, he started to follow the dog. He didn’t know why he was doing it, but the urge was overpowering. For a moment, it seemed like he was catching up to the dog, but sensing his approach, it suddenly turned and hobbled across the frozen grass next to a boarded-up house. Against the wall at the back of the yard, it crouched down in a pile of dirty snow, as if discouraged by the struggle. Millner stood outside the railings, watching it. He thought that with the cover of the winter dusk, it might have the chance to stay there undisturbed, and that by morning it would likely be dead from the cold. This seemed so clearly like the best outcome that he began to move away again; but as he did, the idle boys confronted him.
“Ketch yer dog for yer, boss?” they grinned.
“Got your dog with you, boss?” they grinned.
Millner consigned them to the devil, and stood sternly watching them till the first stage of the journey had carried them around the nearest corner; then, after pausing to look once more up and down the empty street, laid his hand on the railing, and vaulted over it into the grass-plot. As he did so, he reflected that, since pity for suffering was one of the most elementary forms of egotism, he ought to have remembered that it was necessarily one of the most tenacious.
Millner sent them away with a disdainful thought, watching them closely until they turned the nearest corner. After taking a moment to scan the empty street once more, he placed his hand on the railing and jumped over it into the grass. As he did this, he thought about how, since feeling sorry for others' pain is a basic form of selfishness, he should have remembered that such feelings tend to stick around.
II
“My chief aim in life?” Orlando G. Spence repeated. He threw himself back in his chair, straightened the tortoise-shell pince-nez, on his short blunt nose, and beamed down the luncheon table at the two young men who shared his repast.
“My main goal in life?” Orlando G. Spence repeated. He leaned back in his chair, adjusted the tortoise-shell pince-nez on his short, flat nose, and smiled down the lunch table at the two young men who were sharing the meal with him.
His glance rested on his son Draper, seated opposite him behind a barrier of Georgian silver and orchids; but his words were addressed to his secretary who, stylograph in hand, had turned from the seductions of a mushroom souffle in order to jot down, for the Sunday Investigator, an outline of his employer’s views and intentions respecting the newly endowed Orlando G. Spence College for Missionaries. It was Mr. Spence’s practice to receive in person the journalists privileged to impart his opinions to a waiting world; but during the last few months—and especially since the vast project of the Missionary College had been in process of development—the pressure of business and beneficence had necessitated Millner’s frequent intervention, and compelled the secretary to snatch the sense of his patron’s elucubrations between the courses of their hasty meals.
His gaze landed on his son Draper, sitting across from him behind a barrier of Georgian silver and orchids; but he spoke to his secretary who, pen in hand, had turned away from the temptation of a mushroom souffle to take notes for the Sunday Investigator, outlining his boss’s views and plans regarding the newly endowed Orlando G. Spence College for Missionaries. It was Mr. Spence's habit to meet in person with the journalists allowed to share his views with the public; however, in the last few months—especially since the large-scale project of the Missionary College had been underway—the demands of work and charity had required Millner's frequent involvement, forcing the secretary to capture his boss’s thoughts in between the courses of their quick meals.
Young Millner had a healthy appetite, and it was not one of his least sacrifices to be so often obliged to curb it in the interest of his advancement; but whenever he waved aside one of the triumphs of Mr. Spence’s chef he was conscious of rising a step in his employer’s favour. Mr. Spence did not despise the pleasures of the table, though he appeared to regard them as the reward of success rather than as the alleviation of effort; and it increased his sense of his secretary’s merit to note how keenly the young man enjoyed the fare which he was so frequently obliged to deny himself. Draper, having subsisted since infancy on a diet of truffles and terrapin, consumed such delicacies with the insensibility of a traveller swallowing a railway sandwich; but Millner never made the mistake of concealing from Mr. Spence his sense of what he was losing when duty constrained him to exchange the fork for the pen.
Young Millner had a healthy appetite, and it was one of his biggest sacrifices to often have to control it for the sake of his career; but every time he passed up one of Mr. Spence’s chef’s creations, he felt he was earning points with his boss. Mr. Spence didn’t look down on the pleasures of good food, although he seemed to view them as a reward for success instead of a break from hard work; it made him appreciate his secretary even more to see how much the young man savored the meals he often had to skip. Draper, who had lived on a diet of truffles and terrapin since childhood, ate those delicacies with the indifference of a traveler munching on a train sandwich; but Millner never hid from Mr. Spence how much he missed out on when duty forced him to swap his fork for a pen.
“My chief aim in life!” Mr. Spence repeated, removing his eye-glass and swinging it thoughtfully on his finger. (“I’m sorry you should miss this souffle, Millner: it’s worth while.) Why, I suppose I might say that my chief aim in life is to leave the world better than I found it. Yes: I don’t know that I could put it better than that. To leave the world better than I found it. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to use that as a head-line. ‘Wants to leave the world better than he found it.‘ It’s exactly the point I should like to make in this talk about the College.”
“My main goal in life!” Mr. Spence said, taking off his eyeglass and thoughtfully swinging it on his finger. (“I'm sorry you’re going to miss this souffle, Millner: it’s really good.) Well, I suppose I could say that my main goal in life is to leave the world better than I found it. Yes: I can’t think of a better way to put it than that. To leave the world better than I found it. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to use that as a headline. 'Wants to leave the world better than he found it.' That’s exactly the point I want to make in this talk about the College.”
Mr. Spence paused, and his glance once more reverted to his son, who, having pushed aside his plate, sat watching Millner with a dreamy intensity.
Mr. Spence paused, and his gaze returned to his son, who, having pushed aside his plate, sat watching Millner with a dreamy intensity.
“And it’s the point I want to make with you, too, Draper,” his father continued genially, while he turned over with a critical fork the plump and perfectly matched asparagus which a footman was presenting to his notice. “I want to make you feel that nothing else counts in comparison with that—no amount of literary success or intellectual celebrity.”
“And that’s the point I want to make with you, too, Draper,” his father continued kindly, as he used a critical fork to turn over the plump and perfectly arranged asparagus that a footman was presenting to him. “I want you to understand that nothing else matters compared to that—no amount of literary success or intellectual fame.”
“Oh, I do feel that,” Draper murmured, with one of his quick blushes, and a glance that wavered between his father and Millner. The secretary kept his eyes on his notes, and young Spence continued, after a pause: “Only the thing is—isn’t it?—to try and find out just what does make the world better?”
“Oh, I really feel that,” Draper murmured, blushing quickly and glancing between his father and Millner. The secretary focused on his notes, and young Spence continued after a pause: “The thing is—isn’t it?—to try and figure out what actually makes the world better?”
“To try to find out?” his father echoed compassionately. “It’s not necessary to try very hard. Goodness is what makes the world better.”
“Trying to find out?” his father repeated kindly. “It doesn’t take much effort. Goodness is what makes the world a better place.”
“Yes, yes, of course,” his son nervously interposed; “but the question is, what is good—”
“Yes, yes, of course,” his son nervously interrupted; “but the question is, what is good—”
Mr. Spence, with a darkening brow, brought his fist down emphatically on the damask. “I’ll thank you not to blaspheme, my son!”
Mr. Spence, with a furrowed brow, slammed his fist down firmly on the damask. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t blaspheme, my son!”
Draper’s head reared itself a trifle higher on his thin neck. “I was not going to blaspheme; only there may be different ways—”
Draper’s head lifted a bit higher on his thin neck. “I wasn’t going to swear; there are just different ways—”
“There’s where you’re mistaken, Draper. There’s only one way: there’s my way,” said Mr. Spence in a tone of unshaken conviction.
“That's where you're wrong, Draper. There’s only one way: my way,” said Mr. Spence with unwavering confidence.
“I know, father; I see what you mean. But don’t you see that even your way wouldn’t be the right way for you if you ceased to believe that it was?”
“I get it, Dad; I understand what you’re saying. But don’t you realize that even your way wouldn’t be the right way for you if you stopped believing it was?”
His father looked at him with mingled bewilderment and reprobation. “Do you mean to say that the fact of goodness depends on my conception of it, and not on God Almighty’s?”
His father looked at him with a mix of confusion and disapproval. “Are you saying that the idea of goodness is based on my understanding of it, and not on God’s?”
“I do ... yes ... in a specific sense ...” young Draper falteringly maintained; and Mr. Spence turned with a discouraged gesture toward his secretary’s suspended pen.
“I do ... yeah ... in a specific way ...” young Draper said hesitantly; and Mr. Spence turned with a frustrated gesture toward his secretary’s paused pen.
“I don’t understand your scientific jargon, Draper; and I don’t want to.—What’s the next point, Millner? (No; no savarin. Bring the fruit—and the coffee with it.)”
“I don’t understand your scientific jargon, Draper, and I don’t want to. What’s the next point, Millner? (No, no savarin. Just bring the fruit—and the coffee with it.)”
Millner, keenly aware that an aromatic savarin au rhum was describing an arc behind his head previous to being rushed back to the pantry under young Draper’s indifferent eye, stiffened himself against this last assault of the enemy, and read out firmly: “ What relation do you consider that a man’s business conduct should bear to his religious and domestic life?”
Millner, fully aware that a fragrant savarin au rhum was arcing behind his head before being hurried back to the pantry under young Draper's indifferent gaze, braced himself against this final attack from the enemy and stated firmly, “ What connection do you believe a man's business behavior should have with his religious and family life?”
Mr. Spence mused a moment. “Why, that’s a stupid question. It goes over the same ground as the other one. A man ought to do good with his money—that’s all. Go on.”
Mr. Spence thought for a moment. “That’s a silly question. It covers the same ground as the other one. A man should use his money to do good—that's it. Go on.”
At this point the butler’s murmur in his ear caused him to push back his chair, and to arrest Millner’s interrogatory by a rapid gesture. “Yes; I’m coming. Hold the wire.” Mr. Spence rose and plunged into the adjoining “office,” where a telephone and a Remington divided the attention of a young lady in spectacles who was preparing for Zenana work in the East.
At this point, the butler's whisper in his ear prompted him to push back his chair and stop Millner's questioning with a quick gesture. "Yeah; I'm coming. Hold the line." Mr. Spence got up and walked into the next "office," where a telephone and a Remington typewriter occupied the focus of a young woman in glasses who was getting ready for Zenana work in the East.
As the door closed, the butler, having placed the coffee and liqueurs on the table, withdrew in the rear of his battalion, and the two young men were left alone beneath the Rembrandts and Hobbemas on the dining-room walls.
As the door shut, the butler, after setting the coffee and liqueurs on the table, stepped back with the rest of the staff, leaving the two young men alone under the Rembrandts and Hobbemas on the dining room walls.
There was a moment’s silence between them; then young Spence, leaning across the table, said in the lowered tone of intimacy: “Why do you suppose he dodged that last question?”
There was a brief silence between them; then young Spence, leaning across the table, said in a confidential tone, “Why do you think he avoided that last question?”
Millner, who had rapidly taken an opulent purple fig from the fruit-dish nearest him, paused in surprise in the act of hurrying it to his lips.
Millner, who had quickly grabbed a lavish purple fig from the closest fruit bowl, stopped in surprise just as he was about to bring it to his mouth.
“I mean,” Draper hastened on, “the question as to the relation between business and private morality. It’s such an interesting one, and he’s just the person who ought to tackle it.”
“I mean,” Draper quickly continued, “the question about the relationship between business and personal ethics. It’s such an interesting topic, and he’s exactly the person who should take it on.”
Millner, despatching the fig, glanced down at his notes. “I don’t think your father meant to dodge the question.”
Millner, sending off the fig, looked down at his notes. “I don’t think your dad meant to avoid the question.”
Young Draper continued to look at him intently. “You think he imagined that his answer really covers the ground?”
Young Draper kept looking at him closely. “Do you really think he believed that his answer actually addresses everything?”
“As much as it needs to be covered.”
“As much as it needs to be covered.”
The son of the house glanced away with a sigh. “You know things about him that I don’t,” he said wistfully, but without a tinge of resentment in his tone.
The son of the house looked away with a sigh. “You know things about him that I don’t,” he said longingly, but without a hint of resentment in his tone.
“Oh, as to that—(may I give myself some coffee?)” Millner, in his walk around the table to fill his cup, paused a moment to lay an affectionate hand on Draper’s shoulder. “Perhaps I know him better, in a sense: outsiders often get a more accurate focus.”
“Oh, about that—(can I pour myself some coffee?)” Millner, as he walked around the table to fill his cup, paused for a moment to place a friendly hand on Draper’s shoulder. “Maybe I understand him better, in a way: people from the outside often have a clearer perspective.”
Draper considered this. “And your idea is that he acts on principles he has never thought of testing or defining?”
Draper thought about this. “So your idea is that he operates based on principles he's never bothered to test or define?”
Millner looked up quickly, and for an instant their glances crossed. “How do you mean?”
Millner looked up quickly, and for a moment their eyes met. “What do you mean?”
“I mean: that he’s an inconscient instrument of goodness, as it were? A—a sort of blindly beneficent force?”
“I mean: that he’s an unconscious instrument of goodness, like? A—a kind of blindly helpful force?”
The other smiled. “That’s not a bad definition. I know one thing about him, at any rate: he’s awfully upset at your having chucked your Bible Class.”
The other smiled. “That’s not a bad definition. I know one thing about him, at least: he’s really upset that you dropped your Bible Class.”
A shadow fell on young Spence’s candid brow. “I know. But what can I do about it? That’s what I was thinking of when I tried to show him that goodness, in a certain sense, is purely subjective: that one can’t do good against one’s principles.” Again his glance appealed to Millner. “ You understand me, don’t you?”
A shadow crossed young Spence’s honest face. “I know. But what can I do about it? That’s what I was thinking about when I tried to show him that goodness, in a way, is completely subjective: that you can’t do good if it goes against your principles.” Once more, he looked at Millner for support. “You get what I mean, right?”
Millner stirred his coffee in a silence not unclouded by perplexity. “Theoretically, perhaps. It’s a pretty question, certainly. But I also understand your father’s feeling that it hasn’t much to do with real life: especially now that he’s got to make a speech in connection with the founding of this Missionary College. He may think that any hint of internecine strife will weaken his prestige. Mightn’t you have waited a little longer?”
Millner stirred his coffee in a silence that was definitely confused. “In theory, maybe. It’s certainly an interesting question. But I also get your dad's perspective that it doesn't really connect with real life: especially now that he has to give a speech about starting this Missionary College. He might think that any sign of internal conflict will lower his reputation. Couldn’t you have waited a bit longer?”
“How could I, when I might have been expected to take a part in this performance? To talk, and say things I didn’t mean? That was exactly what made me decide not to wait.”
“How could I, when it was expected that I would take part in this performance? To speak and say things I didn’t truly believe? That was precisely what made me decide not to wait.”
The door opened and Mr. Spence re-entered the room. As he did so his son rose abruptly as if to leave it.
The door opened and Mr. Spence walked back into the room. As he did, his son stood up quickly as if he was about to leave.
“Where are you off to, Draper?” the banker asked.
“Where are you headed, Draper?” the banker asked.
“I’m in rather a hurry, sir—”
“I’m in quite a hurry, sir—”
Mr. Spence looked at his watch. “You can’t be in more of a hurry than I am; and I’ve got seven minutes and a half.” He seated himself behind the coffee—tray, lit a cigar, laid his watch on the table, and signed to Draper to resume his place. “No, Millner, don’t you go; I want you both.” He turned to the secretary. “You know that Draper’s given up his Bible Class? I understand it’s not from the pressure of engagements—” Mr. Spence’s narrow lips took an ironic curve under the straight-clipped stubble of his moustache—“it’s on principle, he tells me. He’s principled against doing good!”
Mr. Spence checked his watch. “You can’t be in more of a rush than I am; I’ve got seven and a half minutes.” He settled himself behind the coffee tray, lit a cigar, placed his watch on the table, and gestured for Draper to take his seat again. “No, Millner, don’t leave; I need both of you here.” He turned to the secretary. “You know Draper’s quit his Bible Class? I’ve heard it’s not because of other commitments—” Mr. Spence’s narrow lips twisted into an ironic smile beneath the closely trimmed stubble of his mustache—“it’s on principle, he says. He’s principled against doing good!”
Draper lifted a protesting hand. “It’s not exactly that, father—”
Draper raised a hand in protest. “It’s not really like that, Dad—”
“I know: you’ll tell me it’s some scientific quibble that I don’t understand. I’ve never had time to go in for intellectual hair-splitting. I’ve found too many people down in the mire who needed a hand to pull them out. A busy man has to take his choice between helping his fellow-men and theorizing about them. I’ve preferred to help. (You might take that down for the Investigator, Millner.) And I thank God I’ve never stopped to ask what made me want to do good. I’ve just yielded to the impulse—that’s all.” Mr. Spence turned back to his son. “Better men than either of us have been satisfied with that creed, my son.”
“I know you’ll say it’s just some scientific detail I don’t get. I’ve never had the time to get caught up in intellectual debates. I’ve seen too many people struggling who needed help. A busy person has to choose between helping others and theorizing about them. I’ve chosen to help. (You might want to note that down for the Investigator, Millner.) And I’m grateful I’ve never paused to question why I want to do good. I’ve just followed the impulse—that’s all.” Mr. Spence turned back to his son. “Better men than either of us have been happy with that belief, my son.”
Draper was silent, and Mr. Spence once more addressed himself to his secretary. “Millner, you’re a reader: I’ve caught you at it. And I know this boy talks to you. What have you got to say? Do you suppose a Bible Class ever hurt anybody?”
Draper was quiet, and Mr. Spence turned to his secretary again. “Millner, you’re a reader: I’ve caught you in the act. And I know this kid talks to you. What do you think? Do you really believe a Bible Class ever hurt anyone?”
Millner paused a moment, feeling all through his nervous system the fateful tremor of the balance. “That’s what I was just trying to tell him, sir—”
Millner paused for a moment, feeling the anxious tremor of the balance all through his nervous system. “That’s what I was just trying to tell him, sir—”
“Ah; you were? That’s good. Then I’ll only say one thing more. Your doing what you’ve done at this particular moment hurts me more, Draper, than your teaching the gospel of Jesus could possibly have hurt those young men over in Tenth Avenue.” Mr. Spence arose and restored his watch to his pocket. “I shall want you in twenty minutes, Millner.”
“Ah, you were? That’s good. Then I’ll just say one more thing. What you did at this moment hurts me more, Draper, than teaching the gospel of Jesus could have hurt those young men over on Tenth Avenue.” Mr. Spence stood up and put his watch back in his pocket. “I’ll need you in twenty minutes, Millner.”
The door closed on him, and for a while the two young men sat silent behind their cigar fumes. Then Draper Spence broke out, with a catch in his throat: “That’s what I can’t bear, Millner, what I simply can’t bear: to hurt him, to hurt his faith in me! It’s an awful responsibility, isn’t it, to tamper with anybody’s faith in anything?”
The door shut behind him, and for a moment, the two young men sat quietly, surrounded by the smoke from their cigars. Then Draper Spence spoke up, his voice trembling: “That’s what I can’t stand, Millner, what I just can’t stand: hurting him, breaking his trust in me! It’s such a heavy burden, isn’t it, to mess with someone’s belief in anything?”
III
THE twenty minutes prolonged themselves to forty, the forty to fifty, and the fifty to an hour; and still Millner waited for Mr. Spence’s summons.
THE twenty minutes stretched into forty, the forty into fifty, and the fifty into an hour; and still Millner waited for Mr. Spence’s call.
During the two years of his secretaryship the young man had learned the significance of such postponements. Mr. Spence’s days were organized like a railway time-table, and a delay of an hour implied a casualty as far-reaching as the breaking down of an express. Of the cause of the present derangement Hugh Millner was ignorant; and the experience of the last months allowed him to fluctuate between conflicting conjectures. All were based on the indisputable fact that Mr. Spence was “bothered”—had for some time past been “bothered.” And it was one of Millner’s discoveries that an extremely parsimonious use of the emotions underlay Mr. Spence’s expansive manner and fraternal phraseology, and that he did not throw away his feelings any more than (for all his philanthropy) he threw away his money. If he was bothered, then, it could be only because a careful survey of his situation had forced on him some unpleasant fact with which he was not immediately prepared to deal; and any unpreparedness on Mr. Spence’s part was also a significant symptom.
During his two years as secretary, the young man learned the importance of such delays. Mr. Spence’s schedule was organized like a train timetable, and a delay of an hour meant a problem as serious as the breakdown of an express train. Hugh Millner had no idea what was causing the current disruption, and his experiences over the past few months made him waver between different theories. All of them were based on the undeniable fact that Mr. Spence was “bothered”—he had been “bothered” for some time. Millner discovered that beneath Mr. Spence’s outgoing manner and brotherly words lay a very careful restraint of emotions; he didn’t waste his feelings any more than he wasted his money, despite his philanthropy. If he was bothered, it could only be because a careful reassessment of his situation had revealed some unpleasant truth he wasn’t ready to face, and any lack of preparedness on Mr. Spence’s part was also telling.
Obviously, Millner’s original conception of his employer’s character had suffered extensive modification; but no final outline had replaced the first conjectural image. The two years spent in Mr. Spence’s service had produced too many contradictory impressions to be fitted into any definite pattern; and the chief lesson Millner had learned from them was that life was less of an exact science, and character a more incalculable element, than he had been taught in the schools. In the light of this revised impression, his own footing seemed less secure than he had imagined, and the rungs of the ladder he was climbing more slippery than they had looked from below. He was not without the reassuring sense of having made himself, in certain small ways, necessary to Mr. Spence; and this conviction was confirmed by Draper’s reiterated assurance of his father’s appreciation. But Millner had begun to suspect that one might be necessary to Mr. Spence one day, and a superfluity, if not an obstacle, the next; and that it would take superhuman astuteness to foresee how and when the change would occur. Every fluctuation of the great man’s mood was therefore anxiously noted by the young meteorologist in his service; and this observer’s vigilance was now strained to the utmost by the little cloud, no bigger than a man’s hand, adumbrated by the banker’s unpunctuality.
Clearly, Millner’s original view of his employer had changed a lot, but he still hadn’t formed a final, clear picture to replace his initial guess. The two years spent working for Mr. Spence had created too many conflicting impressions to fit into any specific pattern. The main lesson Millner learned was that life was less of an exact science and character was a more unpredictable factor than he had been taught in school. With this new perspective, he felt less secure than he had thought, and the rungs of the ladder he was trying to climb seemed more slippery than they had appeared from below. He wasn't entirely without the comforting feeling of having made himself somewhat necessary to Mr. Spence; this belief was supported by Draper’s repeated assurance of his father’s appreciation. However, Millner had started to suspect that one day he might be essential to Mr. Spence and a burden, if not a hindrance, the next. It would take extraordinary insight to predict when and how that change might happen. As a result, the young meteorologist closely monitored every shift in the great man’s mood, and his vigilance was now pushed to the limit by the small cloud, no bigger than a man’s hand, hinted at by the banker’s tardiness.
When Mr. Spence finally appeared, his aspect did not tend to dissipate the cloud. He wore what Millner had learned to call his “back-door face”: a blank barred countenance, in which only an occasional twitch of the lids behind his glasses suggested that some one was on the watch. In this mood Mr. Spence usually seemed unconscious of his secretary’s presence, or aware of it only as an arm terminating in a pen. Millner, accustomed on such occasions to exist merely as a function, sat waiting for the click of the spring that should set him in action; but the pressure not being applied, he finally hazarded: “Are we to go on with the Investigator, sir?”
When Mr. Spence finally showed up, his demeanor did nothing to lighten the mood. He had what Millner referred to as his “back-door face”: a blank expression with only an occasional twitch of his eyelids behind his glasses hinting that someone was keeping an eye out. In this state, Mr. Spence usually seemed unaware of his secretary’s presence or only acknowledged it as an arm ending in a pen. Millner, used to existing merely as a function during these times, sat there waiting for the signal that would get him started; but since that moment didn’t come, he finally took a chance and asked, “Are we going to continue with the Investigator, sir?”
Mr. Spence, who had been pacing up and down between the desk and the fireplace, threw himself into his usual seat at Millner’s elbow.
Mr. Spence, who had been pacing back and forth between the desk and the fireplace, plopped down into his usual seat beside Millner.
“I don’t understand this new notion of Draper’s,” he said abruptly. “Where’s he got it from? No one ever learned irreligion in my household.”
“I don’t get this new idea from Draper,” he said suddenly. “Where did he even get it? No one ever learned to be irreligious in my home.”
He turned his eyes on Millner, who had the sense of being scrutinized through a ground-glass window which left him visible while it concealed his observer. The young man let his pen describe two or three vague patterns on the blank sheet before him.
He looked at Millner, who felt like he was being watched through a frosted glass window that made him visible while hiding the person observing him. The young man let his pen sketch a few vague patterns on the blank page in front of him.
“Draper has ideas—” he risked at last.
“Draper has ideas—” he finally ventured.
Mr. Spence looked hard at him. “That’s all right,” he said. “I want my son to have everything. But what’s the point of mixing up ideas and principles? I’ve seen fellows who did that, and they were generally trying to borrow five dollars to get away from the sheriff. What’s all this talk about goodness? Goodness isn’t an idea. It’s a fact. It’s as solid as a business proposition. And it’s Draper’s duty, as the son of a wealthy man, and the prospective steward of a great fortune, to elevate the standards of other young men—of young men who haven’t had his opportunities. The rich ought to preach contentment, and to set the example themselves. We have our cares, but we ought to conceal them. We ought to be cheerful, and accept things as they are—not go about sowing dissent and restlessness. What has Draper got to give these boys in his Bible Class, that’s so much better than what he wants to take from them? That’s the question I’d like to have answered?”
Mr. Spence stared at him firmly. “That’s fine,” he said. “I want my son to have everything. But what’s the point of mixing up ideas and principles? I’ve seen guys do that, and they usually end up trying to borrow five bucks to escape from the sheriff. What’s all this talk about goodness? Goodness isn’t just an idea. It’s a fact. It’s as solid as a business deal. And it’s Draper’s responsibility, as the son of a wealthy man and the future steward of a huge fortune, to raise the standards for other young men—especially those who haven’t had his opportunities. The rich should promote contentment and set the example themselves. We have our worries, but we should hide them. We should be cheerful and accept things as they are—not go around spreading dissent and unrest. What does Draper have to offer these boys in his Bible Class that’s so much better than what he wants to take from them? That’s the question I want answered.”
Mr. Spence, carried away by his own eloquence, had removed his pince-nez and was twirling it about his extended fore-finger with the gesture habitual to him when he spoke in public. After a pause, he went on, with a drop to the level of private intercourse: “I tell you this because I know you have a good deal of influence with Draper. He has a high opinion of your brains. But you’re a practical fellow, and you must see what I mean. Try to make Draper see it. Make him understand how it looks to have him drop his Bible Class just at this particular time. It was his own choice to take up religious teaching among young men. He began with our office-boys, and then the work spread and was blessed. I was almost alarmed, at one time, at the way it took hold of him: when the papers began to talk about him as a formative influence I was afraid he’d lose his head and go into the church. Luckily he tried University Settlement first; but just as I thought he was settling down to that, he took to worrying about the Higher Criticism, and saying he couldn’t go on teaching fairy-tales as history. I can’t see that any good ever came of criticizing what our parents believed, and it’s a queer time for Draper to criticize my belief just as I’m backing it to the extent of five millions.”
Mr. Spence, caught up in his own eloquence, had taken off his pince-nez and was spinning it around his outstretched index finger, a habit of his when he spoke in public. After a moment, he continued, dropping to a more personal tone: “I’m telling you this because I know you have a lot of influence with Draper. He thinks highly of your intellect. But you’re a practical guy, so you get what I mean. Try to help Draper see it. Get him to understand how it looks for him to drop his Bible Class right now. He chose to teach religion to young men. He started with our office boys, and then the work expanded and was really meaningful. I was almost worried at one point about how much it affected him: when the newspapers started calling him a formative influence, I feared he’d lose focus and become a pastor. Thankfully, he tried University Settlement first; but just when I thought he was settling into that, he started stressing about the Higher Criticism and saying he couldn’t keep teaching fairy tales as history. I don’t see any benefit in criticizing what our parents believed, and it’s a strange time for Draper to question my beliefs just as I’m backing them with five million.”
Millner remained silent; and, as though his silence were an argument, Mr. Spence continued combatively: “Draper’s always talking about some distinction between religion and morality. I don’t understand what he means. I got my morals out of the Bible, and I guess there’s enough left in it for Draper. If religion won’t make a man moral, I don’t see why irreligion should. And he talks about using his mind—well, can’t he use that in Wall Street? A man can get a good deal farther in life watching the market than picking holes in Genesis; and he can do more good too. There’s a time for everything; and Draper seems to me to have mixed up week-days with Sunday.”
Millner stayed quiet, and as if his silence were an argument, Mr. Spence kept going aggressively: “Draper always mentions some difference between religion and morality. I don’t get what he means. I learned my morals from the Bible, and I suppose there’s still plenty there for Draper. If religion can't make someone moral, I don't see why being irreligious would. And he talks about using his mind—well, can’t he apply that on Wall Street? A person can get a lot further in life keeping an eye on the market than criticizing Genesis; and he can do more good too. There’s a time for everything, and Draper seems to have confused weekdays with Sunday.”
Mr. Spence replaced his eye-glasses, and stretching his hand to the silver box at his elbow, extracted from it one of the long cigars sheathed in gold-leaf which were reserved for his private consumption. The secretary hastened to tender him a match, and for a moment he puffed in silence. When he spoke again it was in a different note.
Mr. Spence put on his glasses and reached for the silver box next to him, taking out one of the long cigars wrapped in gold leaf that were meant for his personal use. The secretary quickly offered him a match, and for a moment, he smoked in silence. When he spoke again, his tone had changed.
“I’ve got about all the bother I can handle just now, without this nonsense of Draper’s. That was one of the Trustees of the College with me. It seems the Flashlight has been trying to stir up a fuss—” Mr. Spence paused, and turned his pince-nez on his secretary. “You haven’t heard from them?” he asked.
“I’ve got all the stress I can manage right now, without this nonsense from Draper. He was one of the Trustees of the College with me. It seems the Flashlight has been trying to create some drama—” Mr. Spence paused and adjusted his pince-nez on his secretary. “You haven’t heard from them?” he asked.
“From the Flashlight? No.” Millner’s surprise was genuine.
“From the Flashlight? No.” Millner was truly surprised.
He detected a gleam of relief behind Mr. Spence’s glasses. “It may be just malicious talk. That’s the worst of good works; they bring out all the meanness in human nature. And then there are always women mixed up in them, and there never was a woman yet who understood the difference between philanthropy and business.” He drew again at his cigar, and then, with an unwonted movement, leaned forward and mechanically pushed the box toward Millner. “Help yourself,” he said.
He noticed a glimmer of relief behind Mr. Spence’s glasses. “It could just be nasty gossip. That’s the downside of doing good; it brings out the worst in people. And there are always women involved, and there hasn’t been a single woman who really gets the difference between charity and business.” He took another puff from his cigar, and then, with an unusual gesture, leaned forward and pushed the box toward Millner. “Go ahead, help yourself,” he said.
Millner, as mechanically, took one of the virginally cinctured cigars, and began to undo its wrappings. It was the first time he had ever been privileged to detach that golden girdle, and nothing could have given him a better measure of the importance of the situation, and of the degree to which he was apparently involved in it. “You remember that San Pablo rubber business? That’s what they’ve been raking up,” said Mr. Spence abruptly.
Millner mechanically took one of the newly wrapped cigars and started to unwrap it. It was the first time he had ever been allowed to remove that golden band, and nothing could have better highlighted the significance of the situation and how involved he apparently was in it. “You remember that San Pablo rubber business? That’s what they’ve been digging up,” Mr. Spence said abruptly.
Millner paused in the act of striking a match. Then, with an appreciable effort of the will, he completed the gesture, applied the flame to his cigar, and took a long inhalation. The cigar was certainly delicious.
Millner paused while striking a match. Then, with noticeable willpower, he finished the motion, brought the flame to his cigar, and took a deep puff. The cigar was definitely tasty.
Mr. Spence, drawing a little closer, leaned forward and touched him on the arm. The touch caused Millner to turn his head, and for an instant the glance of the two men crossed at short range. Millner was conscious, first, of a nearer view than he had ever had of his employer’s face, and of its vaguely suggesting a seamed sandstone head, the kind of thing that lies in a corner in the court of a museum, and in which only the round enamelled eyes have resisted the wear of time. His next feeling was that he had now reached the moment to which the offer of the cigar had been a prelude. He had always known that, sooner or later, such a moment would come; all his life, in a sense, had been a preparation for it. But in entering Mr. Spence’s service he had not foreseen that it would present itself in this form. He had seen himself consciously guiding that gentleman up to the moment, rather than being thrust into it by a stronger hand. And his first act of reflection was the resolve that, in the end, his hand should prove the stronger of the two. This was followed, almost immediately, by the idea that to be stronger than Mr. Spence’s it would have to be very strong indeed. It was odd that he should feel this, since—as far as verbal communication went—it was Mr. Spence who was asking for his support. In a theoretical statement of the case the banker would have figured as being at Millner’s mercy; but one of the queerest things about experience was the way it made light of theory. Millner felt now as though he were being crushed by some inexorable engine of which he had been playing with the lever. ...
Mr. Spence, moving a bit closer, leaned forward and touched him on the arm. The touch made Millner turn his head, and for a moment, the two men locked eyes at close range. Millner noticed, for the first time, a closer look at his employer’s face, which vaguely resembled a weathered sandstone sculpture, the kind you might find in a museum corner, with only the round, glossy eyes standing the test of time. His next feeling was that he had reached the moment that the offer of the cigar had hinted at. He had always anticipated that such a moment would come eventually; his entire life had, in a way, prepared him for it. However, when he started working for Mr. Spence, he hadn't expected that it would manifest in this way. He had imagined himself guiding the conversation forward rather than being pushed into it by a stronger influence. His first thought was that, in the end, his hand needed to be the stronger one. This thought was quickly followed by the realization that to be stronger than Mr. Spence’s, it would have to be very powerful. It struck him as strange to feel this way since—at least in terms of words—it was Mr. Spence who was seeking his support. In a theoretical sense, the banker would have been at Millner’s mercy; yet one of the oddest aspects of experience was how it disregarded theory. Millner felt as though he were being crushed by some unstoppable force he had been toying with all along.
He had always been intensely interested in observing his own reactions, and had regarded this faculty of self-detachment as of immense advantage in such a career as he had planned. He felt this still, even in the act of noting his own bewilderment—felt it the more in contrast to the odd unconsciousness of Mr. Spence’s attitude, of the incredible candour of his self-abasement and self-abandonment. It was clear that Mr. Spence was not troubled by the repercussion of his actions in the consciousness of others; and this looked like a weakness—unless it were, instead, a great strength. ...
He had always been very focused on observing his own reactions and saw this ability to step back from himself as a huge advantage in the career he had planned. He felt this even while he was aware of his own confusion—he felt it even more when he compared it to Mr. Spence’s strange lack of awareness, the incredible honesty of his self-deprecation and surrender. It was obvious that Mr. Spence wasn’t bothered by how his actions affected the thoughts of others; and this seemed like a weakness—unless it was actually a great strength.
Through the hum of these swarming thoughts Mr. Spence’s voice was going on. “That’s the only rag of proof they’ve got; and they got it by one of those nasty accidents that nobody can guard against. I don’t care how conscientiously a man attends to business, he can’t always protect himself against meddlesome people. I don’t pretend to know how the letter came into their hands; but they’ve got it; and they mean to use it—and they mean to say that you wrote it for me, and that you knew what it was about when you wrote it. ... They’ll probably be after you tomorrow—”
Through the buzz of these racing thoughts, Mr. Spence's voice continued. “That's the only piece of evidence they have, and they got it through one of those unfortunate accidents that no one can prevent. No matter how carefully a person manages their business, they can't always protect themselves from nosy individuals. I can't claim to know how they got the letter, but they have it, and they plan to use it—and they’re going to argue that you wrote it for me, and that you knew what it was about when you wrote it. ... They'll likely come for you tomorrow—”
Mr. Spence, restoring his cigar to his lips, puffed at it slowly. In the pause that followed there was an instant during which the universe seemed to Hugh Millner like a sounding-board bent above his single consciousness. If he spoke, what thunders would be sent back to him from that intently listening vastness?
Mr. Spence put his cigar back in his mouth and took slow puffs. In the silence that followed, Hugh Millner felt like the whole universe was a sounding board, focusing on his thoughts. If he spoke, what echoes would come back at him from that vast, attentive space?
“You see?” said Mr. Spence.
"You see?" Mr. Spence said.
The universal ear bent closer, as if to catch the least articulation of Millner’s narrowed lips; but when he opened them it was merely to re-insert his cigar, and for a short space nothing passed between the two men but an exchange of smoke-rings.
The universal ear leaned in closer, as if trying to catch even the slightest movement of Millner’s thin lips; but when he opened them, it was just to put his cigar back in, and for a brief moment, all that passed between the two men was an exchange of smoke rings.
“What do you mean to do? There’s the point,” Mr. Spence at length sent through the rings.
“What do you plan to do? That’s the question,” Mr. Spence finally sent through the rings.
Oh, yes, the point was there, as distinctly before Millner as the tip of his expensive cigar: he had seen it coming quite as soon as Mr. Spence. He knew that fate was handing him an ultimatum; but the sense of the formidable echo which his least answer would rouse kept him doggedly, and almost helplessly, silent. To let Mr. Spence talk on as long as possible was no doubt the best way of gaining time; but Millner knew that his silence was really due to his dread of the echo. Suddenly, however, in a reaction of impatience at his own indecision, he began to speak.
Oh, yes, the point was clear to Millner, just as obvious as the tip of his pricey cigar: he had noticed it coming as soon as Mr. Spence did. He realized that fate was giving him an ultimatum; but the thought of the huge impact that even his smallest response would have kept him stubbornly and almost helplessly quiet. Letting Mr. Spence talk for as long as possible was definitely the best way to buy himself some time; but Millner knew that his silence was really because he feared that impact. Suddenly, though, in a burst of frustration over his own indecision, he started to speak.
The sound of his voice cleared his mind and strengthened his resolve. It was odd how the word seemed to shape the act, though one knew how ancillary it really was. As he talked, it was as if the globe had swung around, and he himself were upright on its axis, with Mr. Spence underneath, on his head. Through the ensuing interchange of concise and rapid speech there sounded in Millner’s ears the refrain to which he had walked down Fifth Avenue after his first talk with Mr. Spence: “It’s too easy—it’s too easy—it’s too easy.” Yes, it was even easier than he had expected. His sensation was that of the skilful carver who feels his good blade sink into a tender joint.
The sound of his voice cleared his mind and strengthened his determination. It was strange how the words seemed to shape the action, even though everyone knew how secondary they really were. As he spoke, it felt like the world had tilted, and he was standing upright on its axis, with Mr. Spence underneath him, upside down. Amid the quick back-and-forth conversation, Millner could hear the refrain he had thought of while walking down Fifth Avenue after his first conversation with Mr. Spence: “It’s too easy—it’s too easy—it’s too easy.” Yes, it was even simpler than he had expected. He felt like a skilled carver whose sharp blade glided smoothly into a tender joint.
As he went on talking, this surprised sense of mastery was like wine in his veins. Mr. Spence was at his mercy, after all—that was what it came to; but this new view of the case did not lessen Millner’s sense of Mr. Spence’s strength, it merely revealed to him his own superiority. Mr. Spence was even stronger than he had suspected. There could be no better proof of that than his faith in Millner’s power to grasp the situation, and his tacit recognition of the young man’s right to make the most of it. Millner felt that Mr. Spence would have despised him even more for not using his advantage than for not seeing it; and this homage to his capacity nerved him to greater alertness, and made the concluding moments of their talk as physically exhilarating as some hotly contested game.
As he kept talking, this surprising sense of control felt like wine flowing through his veins. Mr. Spence was completely at his mercy; that’s what it came down to. But this new perspective didn’t lessen Millner’s view of Mr. Spence’s strength; instead, it just highlighted his own superiority. Mr. Spence was even stronger than Millner had thought. There was no better proof of this than Mr. Spence's confidence in Millner’s ability to understand the situation and his unspoken acknowledgment of the young man’s right to take advantage of it. Millner sensed that Mr. Spence would have looked down on him even more for not using his advantage than for failing to recognize it; and this recognition of his potential energized him to be more alert, making the last moments of their conversation as thrilling as a fiercely contested game.
When the conclusion was reached, and Millner stood at the goal, the golden trophy in his grasp, his first conscious thought was one of regret that the struggle was over. He would have liked to prolong their talk for the purely aesthetic pleasure of making Mr. Spence lose time, and, better still, of making him forget that he was losing it. The sense of advantage that the situation conferred was so great that when Mr. Spence rose it was as if Millner were dismissing him, and when he reached his hand toward the cigar-box it seemed to be one of Millner’s cigars that he was taking.
When the conclusion was reached and Millner stood at the goal with the golden trophy in his hands, his first clear thought was a sense of regret that the struggle was over. He would have liked to prolong their conversation just for the pure enjoyment of wasting Mr. Spence's time, and even better, making him forget that he was losing it. The feeling of superiority in that moment was so intense that when Mr. Spence stood up, it felt like Millner was the one dismissing him, and when he reached for the cigar box, it seemed like he was taking one of Millner’s cigars.
IV
THERE had been only one condition attached to the transaction: Millner was to speak to Draper about the Bible Class.
THERE had been only one condition attached to the deal: Millner was to talk to Draper about the Bible Class.
The condition was easy to fulfil. Millner was confident of his power to deflect his young friend’s purpose; and he knew the opportunity would be given him before the day was over. His professional duties despatched, he had only to go up to his room to wait. Draper nearly always looked in on him for a moment before dinner: it was the hour most propitious to their elliptic interchange of words and silences.
The condition was easy to meet. Millner was sure he could steer his young friend away from his intentions, and he knew he’d get the chance before the day ended. After finishing his work, he just needed to head up to his room and wait. Draper usually stopped by to see him for a bit before dinner; it was the best time for their roundabout conversations and pauses.
Meanwhile, the waiting was an occupation in itself. Millner looked about his room with new eyes. Since the first thrill of initiation into its complicated comforts—the shower-bath, the telephone, the many-jointed reading-lamp and the vast mirrored presses through which he was always hunting his scant outfit—Millner’s room had interested him no more than a railway-carriage in which he might have been travelling. But now it had acquired a sort of historic significance as the witness of the astounding change in his fate. It was Corsica, it was Brienne—it was the kind of spot that posterity might yet mark with a tablet. Then he reflected that he should soon be leaving it, and the lustre of its monumental mahogany was veiled in pathos. Why indeed should he linger on in bondage? He perceived with a certain surprise that the only thing he should regret would be leaving Draper. ...
Meanwhile, waiting had become a job in itself. Millner looked around his room with fresh eyes. Since the initial excitement of discovering its complicated comforts—the shower, the telephone, the multi-jointed reading lamp, and the large mirrored closets where he was always searching for his limited clothes—Millner's room had interested him no more than a train carriage he might have been traveling in. But now it held a kind of historical significance as evidence of the incredible change in his life. It was Corsica, it was Brienne—it was the sort of place that future generations might commemorate with a plaque. Then he thought about how he would soon be leaving it, and the shine of its grand mahogany seemed tinged with sadness. Why should he really stay in this confinement? He realized with some surprise that the only thing he would genuinely miss was leaving Draper.
It was odd, it was inconsequent, it was almost exasperating, that such a regret should obscure his triumph. Why in the world should he suddenly take to regretting Draper? If there were any logic in human likings, it should be to Mr. Spence that he inclined. Draper, dear lad, had the illusion of an “intellectual sympathy” between them; but that, Millner knew, was an affair of reading and not of character. Draper’s temerities would always be of that kind; whereas his own—well, his own, put to the proof, had now definitely classed him with Mr. Spence rather than with Mr. Spence’s son. It was a consequence of this new condition—of his having thus distinctly and irrevocably classed himself—that, when Draper at length brought upon the scene his shy shamble and his wistful smile, Millner, for the first time, had to steel himself against them instead of yielding to their charm.
It was strange, it was inconsistent, it was almost frustrating, that such a regret would overshadow his success. Why on earth would he suddenly start regretting Draper? If human preferences made any sense, he should be leaning toward Mr. Spence. Draper, dear boy, had the illusion of some sort of “intellectual connection” between them; but Millner knew that was based on what they read and not who they really were. Draper’s boldness would always be that superficial; while his own—well, his own, when tested, had now clearly aligned him with Mr. Spence rather than Mr. Spence’s son. It was a result of this new situation—his having firmly and unmistakably placed himself—that, when Draper finally showed up with his awkward gait and his hopeful smile, Millner, for the first time, had to brace himself against them instead of giving in to their appeal.
In the new order upon which he had entered, one principle of the old survived: the point of honour between allies. And Millner had promised Mr. Spence to speak to Draper about his Bible Class. ...
In the new situation he found himself in, one principle from the past remained: the importance of honor between allies. Millner had promised Mr. Spence that he would talk to Draper about his Bible Class. ...
Draper, thrown back in his chair, and swinging a loose leg across a meagre knee, listened with his habitual gravity. His downcast eyes seemed to pursue the vision which Millner’s words evoked; and the words, to their speaker, took on a new sound as that candid consciousness refracted them.
Draper, leaning back in his chair and casually swinging a loose leg over his thin knee, listened with his usual seriousness. His downcast eyes appeared to follow the image created by Millner’s words; and those words, to the one speaking them, gained a new resonance as that honest awareness refracted them.
“You know, dear boy, I perfectly see your father’s point. It’s naturally distressing to him, at this particular time, to have any hint of civil war leak out—”
“You know, kid, I completely understand your dad’s perspective. It’s understandably upsetting for him right now to have any suggestion of civil war come out—”
Draper sat upright, laying his lank legs knee to knee.
Draper sat up straight, placing his long legs knee to knee.
“That’s it, then? I thought that was it!”
“That’s it, then? I thought that was it!”
Millner raised a surprised glance. “ What’s it?”
Millner looked up, surprised. “ What is it?”
“That it should be at this particular time—”
“That it should be at this specific time—”
“Why, naturally, as I say! Just as he’s making, as it were, his public profession of faith. You know, to men like your father convictions are irreducible elements—they can’t be split up, and differently combined. And your exegetical scruples seem to him to strike at the very root of his convictions.”
“Of course, as I mentioned! It's like he's publicly declaring his beliefs. You see, for men like your father, convictions are fundamental—they can't be divided or mixed in different ways. And your questions about interpretation seem to him to undermine the core of his beliefs.”
Draper pulled himself to his feet and shuffled across the room. Then he turned about, and stood before his friend.
Draper got to his feet and shuffled across the room. Then he turned around and stood in front of his friend.
“Is it that—or is it this?” he said; and with the word he drew a letter from his pocket and proffered it silently to Millner.
“Is it that—or is it this?” he said, and with that, he took a letter from his pocket and silently handed it to Millner.
The latter, as he unfolded it, was first aware of an intense surprise at the young man’s abruptness of tone and gesture. Usually Draper fluttered long about his point before making it; and his sudden movement seemed as mechanical as the impulsion conveyed by some strong spring. The spring, of course, was in the letter; and to it Millner turned his startled glance, feeling the while that, by some curious cleavage of perception, he was continuing to watch Draper while he read.
The latter, as he opened it, was first taken aback by the young man’s sudden change in tone and gesture. Normally, Draper would take his time getting to the point, but his quick movement felt as automatic as the push from a strong spring. The spring, of course, was in the letter; and Millner directed his surprised gaze toward it, feeling as if, through some strange shift in perception, he was still watching Draper while he read.
“Oh, the beasts!” he cried.
“Oh, the creatures!” he cried.
He and Draper were face to face across the sheet which had dropped between them. The youth’s features were tightened by a smile that was like the ligature of a wound. He looked white and withered.
He and Draper were staring at each other across the sheet that had fallen between them. The young man's expression was strained by a smile that resembled the binding of a wound. He looked pale and emaciated.
“Ah—you knew, then?”
“Ah—you knew that, huh?”
Millner sat still, and after a moment Draper turned from him, walked to the hearth, and leaned against the chimney, propping his chin on his hands. Millner, his head thrown back, stared up at the ceiling, which had suddenly become to him the image of the universal sounding-board hanging over his consciousness.
Millner sat still, and after a moment, Draper turned away from him, walked to the fireplace, and leaned against the chimney, resting his chin on his hands. Millner, with his head tilted back, gazed up at the ceiling, which had suddenly transformed into the image of a universal sounding board hovering over his thoughts.
“You knew, then?” Draper repeated.
“You knew, right?” Draper repeated.
Millner remained silent. He had perceived, with the surprise of a mathematician working out a new problem, that the lie which Mr. Spence had just bought of him was exactly the one gift he could give of his own free will to Mr. Spence’s son. This discovery gave the world a strange new topsy-turvyness, and set Millner’s theories spinning about his brain like the cabin furniture of a tossing ship.
Millner stayed quiet. He realized, with the surprise of a mathematician solving a new problem, that the lie Mr. Spence had just purchased from him was exactly the one thing he could freely give to Mr. Spence’s son. This realization turned his view of the world upside down and made Millner’s ideas whirl around in his head like the furniture in a ship caught in a storm.
“You knew,” said Draper, in a tone of quiet affirmation.
“You knew,” Draper said, his tone calm and confirming.
Millner righted himself, and grasped the arms of his chair as if that too were reeling. “About this blackguardly charge?”
Millner straightened up and grabbed the arms of his chair as if it were spinning too. “About this scoundrel charge?”
Draper was studying him intently. “What does it matter if it’s blackguardly?”
Draper was looking at him closely. “What does it matter if it's dishonest?”
“Matter—?” Millner stammered.
"What's wrong—?" Millner stammered.
“It’s that, of course, in any case. But the point is whether it’s true or not.” Draper bent down, and picking up the crumpled letter, smoothed it out between his fingers. “The point, is, whether my father, when he was publicly denouncing the peonage abuses on the San Pablo plantations over a year ago, had actually sold out his stock, as he announced at the time; or whether, as they say here—how do they put it?—he had simply transferred it to a dummy till the scandal should blow over, and has meanwhile gone on drawing his forty per cent interest on five thousand shares? There’s the point.”
“It’s that, of course, but the real question is whether it’s true or not.” Draper bent down, picked up the crumpled letter, and smoothed it out between his fingers. “The question is whether my father, when he was publicly condemning the peonage abuses on the San Pablo plantations over a year ago, actually sold his stock as he claimed at the time; or whether, as they say here—how do they put it?—he just transferred it to a front until the scandal died down, and has meanwhile been collecting his forty percent interest on five thousand shares? That’s the issue.”
Millner had never before heard his young friend put a case with such unadorned precision. His language was like that of Mr. Spence making a statement to a committee meeting; and the resemblance to his father flashed out with ironic incongruity.
Millner had never heard his young friend present an argument with such straightforward clarity before. His way of speaking was like Mr. Spence addressing a committee; and the similarity to his father was striking in its ironic contrast.
“You see why I’ve brought this letter to you—I couldn’t go to him with it!” Draper’s voice faltered, and the resemblance vanished as suddenly as it had appeared.
“You see why I’ve brought this letter to you—I couldn’t go to him with it!” Draper’s voice wavered, and the resemblance disappeared just as quickly as it had shown up.
“No; you couldn’t go to him with it,” said Millner slowly.
“No, you can’t go to him with that,” Millner said slowly.
“And since they say here that you know: that they’ve got your letter proving it—” The muscles of Draper’s face quivered as if a blinding light had been swept over it. “For God’s sake, Millner—it’s all right?”
“And since they say here that you know: that they’ve got your letter proving it—” The muscles of Draper’s face twitched as if a blinding light had just hit it. “For God’s sake, Millner—it’s all good?”
“It’s all right,” said Millner, rising to his feet.
“It’s all good,” Millner said, getting to his feet.
Draper caught him by the wrist. “You’re sure—you’re absolutely sure?”
Draper grabbed him by the wrist. “You’re sure—you’re totally sure?”
“Sure. They know they’ve got nothing to go on.”
“Sure. They know they have nothing to work with.”
Draper fell back a step and looked almost sternly at his friend. “You know that’s not what I mean. I don’t care a straw what they think they’ve got to go on. I want to know if my father’s all right. If he is, they can say what they please.”
Draper stepped back and looked pretty seriously at his friend. “You know that’s not what I mean. I don’t care at all what they think they’ve got. I just want to know if my dad’s okay. If he is, they can say whatever they want.”
Millner, again, felt himself under the concentrated scrutiny of the ceiling. “Of course, of course. I understand.”
Millner felt the intense gaze of the ceiling on him again. “Of course, of course. I get it.”
“You understand? Then why don’t you answer?”
“You get it? Then why aren’t you responding?”
Millner looked compassionately at the boy’s struggling face. Decidedly, the battle was to the strong, and he was not sorry to be on the side of the legions. But Draper’s pain was as awkward as a material obstacle, as something that one stumbled over in a race.
Millner looked at the boy’s pained expression with sympathy. Clearly, the fight favored the strong, and he was glad to be with the powerful. But Draper’s suffering felt as burdensome as a physical barrier, like something you trip over during a race.
“You know what I’m driving at, Millner.” Again Mr. Spence’s committee-meeting tone sounded oddly through his son’s strained voice. “If my father’s so awfully upset about my giving up my Bible Class, and letting it be known that I do so on conscientious grounds, is it because he’s afraid it may be considered a criticism on something he has done which—which won’t bear the test of the doctrines he believes in?”
“You know what I mean, Millner.” Once more, Mr. Spence’s committee-meeting tone came through his son’s tense voice. “If my father is so upset about my quitting my Bible class and making it clear that I’m doing it for personal reasons, is it because he’s worried it could be seen as a criticism of something he has done that doesn’t align with the beliefs he stands by?”
Draper, with the last question, squared himself in front of Millner, as if suspecting that the latter meant to evade it by flight. But Millner had never felt more disposed to stand his ground than at that moment.
Draper, with his last question, positioned himself directly in front of Millner, as if he thought Millner might try to dodge it by running away. But Millner had never felt more ready to hold his ground than he did at that moment.
“No—by Jove, no! It’s not that.” His relief almost escaped him in a cry, as he lifted his head to give back Draper’s look.
“No—by God, no! It’s not that.” His relief nearly burst out in a shout as he raised his head to meet Draper’s gaze.
“On your honour?” the other passionately pressed him.
“On your honor?” the other urgently pressed him.
“Oh, on anybody’s you like—on yours!” Millner could hardly restrain a laugh of relief. It was vertiginous to find himself spared, after all, the need of an altruistic lie: he perceived that they were the kind he least liked.
“Oh, on anyone you want—on yours!” Millner could barely hold back a laugh of relief. It was dizzying to realize he was spared, after all, from having to tell a selfless lie: he recognized that those were the kind he liked the least.
Draper took a deep breath. “You don’t—Millner, a lot depends on this—you don’t really think my father has any ulterior motive?”
Draper took a deep breath. “You don’t—Millner, a lot depends on this—you don’t really think my dad has any hidden agenda?”
“I think he has none but his horror of seeing you go straight to perdition!”
“I think he only has his fear of watching you head straight to hell!”
They looked at each other again, and Draper’s tension was suddenly relieved by a free boyish laugh. “It’s his convictions—it’s just his funny old convictions?”
They glanced at each other again, and Draper's tension was suddenly eased by a carefree, boyish laugh. "It's his beliefs—just his quirky old beliefs?"
“It’s that, and nothing else on earth!”
“It’s that, and nothing else in the world!”
Draper turned back to the arm-chair he had left, and let his narrow figure sink down into it as into a bath. Then he looked over at Millner with a smile. “I can see that I’ve been worrying him horribly. So he really thinks I’m on the road to perdition? Of course you can fancy what a sick minute I had when I thought it might be this other reason—the damnable insinuation in this letter.” Draper crumpled the paper in his hand, and leaned forward to toss it into the coals of the grate. “I ought to have known better, of course. I ought to have remembered that, as you say, my father can’t conceive how conduct may be independent of creed. That’s where I was stupid—and rather base. But that letter made me dizzy—I couldn’t think. Even now I can’t very clearly. I’m not sure what my convictions require of me: they seem to me so much less to be considered than his! When I’ve done half the good to people that he has, it will be time enough to begin attacking their beliefs. Meanwhile—meanwhile I can’t touch his. ...” Draper leaned forward, stretching his lank arms along his knees. His face was as clear as a spring sky. “I won’t touch them, Millner—Go and tell him so. ...”
Draper turned back to the armchair he had left and let his slim figure sink into it like it was a bath. Then he looked over at Millner with a smile. “I can see that I’ve been worrying him a lot. So he really thinks I’m heading for disaster? You can imagine how sick I felt when I thought it might be this other reason—the horrible suggestion in this letter.” Draper crumpled the paper in his hand and leaned forward to toss it into the hot coals of the fireplace. “I should have known better, of course. I should have remembered that, as you said, my father can't understand how behavior can be separate from belief. That’s where I was foolish—and somewhat cruel. But that letter made me dizzy—I couldn’t think. Even now, I can’t think very clearly. I’m not sure what my beliefs require of me; they seem so much less relevant than his! When I’ve done half the good for people that he has, then it will be time to start challenging their beliefs. In the meantime—meanwhile, I can’t touch his. ...” Draper leaned forward, stretching his long arms along his knees. His face was as clear as a bright spring day. “I won’t challenge them, Millner—Go and tell him that. ..."
V
In the study a half hour later Mr. Spence, watch in hand, was doling out his minutes again. The peril conjured, he had recovered his dominion over time. He turned his commanding eye-glasses on Millner.
In the study a half hour later, Mr. Spence, checking his watch, was managing his time once again. With the danger averted, he had regained control over time. He turned his authoritative glasses toward Millner.
“It’s all settled, then? Tell Draper I’m sorry not to see him again to-night—but I’m to speak at the dinner of the Legal Relief Association, and I’m due there in five minutes. You and he dine alone here, I suppose? Tell him I appreciate what he’s done. Some day he’ll see that to leave the world better than we find it is the best we can hope to do. (You’ve finished the notes for the Investigator? Be sure you don’t forget that phrase.) Well, good evening: that’s all, I think.”
“It’s all settled, then? Tell Draper I’m sorry I can’t see him again tonight—but I have to speak at the dinner for the Legal Relief Association, and I need to be there in five minutes. You and he are dining alone here, I assume? Let him know I appreciate what he’s done. One day he’ll understand that making the world a better place is the best we can hope to achieve. (Have you finished the notes for the Investigator? Make sure you don’t forget that phrase.) Well, good evening: that’s all, I think.”
Smooth and compact in his glossy evening clothes, Mr. Spence advanced toward the study door; but as he reached it, his secretary stood there before him.
Smooth and sleek in his shiny evening suit, Mr. Spence walked towards the study door; but as he got there, his secretary was standing in front of him.
“It’s not quite all, Mr. Spence.”
“It’s not all, Mr. Spence.”
Mr. Spence turned on him a look in which impatience was faintly tinged with apprehension. “What else is there? It’s two and a half minutes to eight.”
Mr. Spence shot him a look that mixed impatience with a hint of worry. “What else is there? It’s two and a half minutes to eight.”
Millner stood his ground. “It won’t take longer than that. I want to tell you that, if you can conveniently replace me, I’d like—there are reasons why I shall have to leave you.”
Millner stood firm. “It won’t take longer than that. I need to let you know that if you can easily find someone to take my place, I’d like to—there are reasons why I have to leave you.”
Millner was conscious of reddening as he spoke. His redness deepened under Mr. Spence’s dispassionate scrutiny. He saw at once that the banker was not surprised at his announcement.
Millner was aware that he was blushing as he spoke. His embarrassment intensified under Mr. Spence’s indifferent gaze. He immediately noticed that the banker was not surprised by his announcement.
“Well, I suppose that’s natural enough. You’ll want to make a start for yourself now. Only, of course, for the sake of appearances—”
“Well, I guess that’s pretty normal. You’ll want to begin making a name for yourself now. Just, of course, for appearances’ sake—”
“Oh, certainly,” Millner hastily agreed.
“Oh, of course,” Millner hastily agreed.
“Well, then: is that all?” Mr. Spence repeated.
“Well, then: is that it?” Mr. Spence repeated.
“Nearly.” Millner paused, as if in search of an appropriate formula. But after a moment he gave up the search, and pulled from his pocket an envelope which he held out to his employer. “I merely want to give this back.”
“Almost.” Millner paused, looking for the right words. But after a moment, he let it go and pulled out an envelope from his pocket, holding it out to his boss. “I just want to return this.”
The hand which Mr. Spence had extended dropped to his side, and his sand-coloured face grew chalky. “Give it back?” His voice was as thick as Millner’s. “What’s happened? Is the bargain off?”
The hand that Mr. Spence had extended fell to his side, and his tan face turned pale. “Give it back?” His voice was as heavy as Millner’s. “What’s going on? Is the deal off?”
“Oh, no. I’ve given you my word.”
“Oh no, I promised you.”
“Your word?” Mr. Spence lowered at him. “I’d like to know what that’s worth!”
“Your word?” Mr. Spence glared at him. “I want to know what that’s worth!”
Millner continued to hold out the envelope. “You do know, now. It’s worth that. It’s worth my place.”
Millner kept holding out the envelope. “You get it now. It’s worth that. It’s worth my spot.”
Mr. Spence, standing motionless before him, hesitated for an appreciable space of time. His lips parted once or twice under their square-clipped stubble, and at last emitted: “How much more do you want?”
Mr. Spence, standing still in front of him, hesitated for a noticeable length of time. His lips parted once or twice beneath their neatly trimmed stubble, and finally said, “How much more do you want?”
Millner broke into a laugh. “Oh, I’ve got all I want—all and more!”
Millner burst out laughing. “Oh, I’ve got everything I want—everything and more!”
“What—from the others? Are you crazy?”
“What—are you serious? Are you out of your mind?”
“No, you are,” said Millner with a sudden recovery of composure. “But you’re safe—you’re as safe as you’ll ever be. Only I don’t care to take this for making you so.”
“No, you are,” Millner said, regaining his composure. “But you’re safe—you’re as safe as you’ll ever be. It’s just that I don’t want to take the blame for getting you there.”
Mr. Spence slowly moistened his lips with his tongue, and removing his pince-nez, took a long hard look at Millner.
Mr. Spence slowly wet his lips with his tongue, and taking off his pince-nez, stared intently at Millner.
“I don’t understand. What other guarantee have I got?”
“I don’t get it. What other guarantee do I have?”
“That I mean what I say?” Millner glanced past the banker’s figure at his rich densely coloured background of Spanish leather and mahogany. He remembered that it was from this very threshold that he had first seen Mr. Spence’s son.
“Do I mean what I say?” Millner looked beyond the banker’s figure at the rich, deep-colored backdrop of Spanish leather and mahogany. He recalled that it was from this very spot that he had first caught sight of Mr. Spence’s son.
“What guarantee? You’ve got Draper!” he said.
“What guarantee? You have Draper!” he said.
AFTERWARD
I
“Oh, there is one, of course, but you’ll never know it.”
“Oh, there is one, of course, but you’ll never find out.”
The assertion, laughingly flung out six months earlier in a bright June garden, came back to Mary Boyne with a sharp perception of its latent significance as she stood, in the December dusk, waiting for the lamps to be brought into the library.
The statement, jokingly tossed out six months ago in a sunny June garden, came back to Mary Boyne with a sudden awareness of its hidden meaning as she stood, in the December twilight, waiting for the lamps to be brought into the library.
The words had been spoken by their friend Alida Stair, as they sat at tea on her lawn at Pangbourne, in reference to the very house of which the library in question was the central, the pivotal “feature.” Mary Boyne and her husband, in quest of a country place in one of the southern or southwestern counties, had, on their arrival in England, carried their problem straight to Alida Stair, who had successfully solved it in her own case; but it was not until they had rejected, almost capriciously, several practical and judicious suggestions that she threw it out: “Well, there’s Lyng, in Dorsetshire. It belongs to Hugo’s cousins, and you can get it for a song.”
The words had been spoken by their friend Alida Stair, as they sat having tea on her lawn at Pangbourne, referring to the very house where the library in question was the main, central “feature.” Mary Boyne and her husband, looking for a country place in one of the southern or southwestern counties, had gone straight to Alida Stair upon their arrival in England, since she had successfully found one for herself; but it wasn't until they had dismissively turned down several sensible and practical suggestions that she mentioned, “Well, there’s Lyng, in Dorsetshire. It belongs to Hugo’s cousins, and you can get it for a bargain.”
The reasons she gave for its being obtainable on these terms—its remoteness from a station, its lack of electric light, hot-water pipes, and other vulgar necessities—were exactly those pleading in its favor with two romantic Americans perversely in search of the economic drawbacks which were associated, in their tradition, with unusual architectural felicities.
The reasons she provided for it being available under these conditions—its distance from a station, its absence of electric light, hot-water pipes, and other ordinary necessities—were precisely the ones that appealed to two romantic Americans who were oddly interested in the economic disadvantages traditionally linked to unique architectural features.
“I should never believe I was living in an old house unless I was thoroughly uncomfortable,” Ned Boyne, the more extravagant of the two, had jocosely insisted; “the least hint of ‘convenience’ would make me think it had been bought out of an exhibition, with the pieces numbered, and set up again.” And they had proceeded to enumerate, with humorous precision, their various suspicions and exactions, refusing to believe that the house their cousin recommended was really Tudor till they learned it had no heating system, or that the village church was literally in the grounds till she assured them of the deplorable uncertainty of the water-supply.
“I'd never believe I was living in an old house unless I was totally uncomfortable,” Ned Boyne, the more flamboyant of the two, joked. “Just the slightest hint of ‘convenience’ would make me think it was taken from a display, with the pieces numbered and set up again.” They went on to list, with playful accuracy, their various doubts and demands, refusing to accept that the house their cousin suggested was really Tudor until they found out it had no heating system, or that the village church was actually on the property until she confirmed the troubling uncertainty of the water supply.
“It’s too uncomfortable to be true!” Edward Boyne had continued to exult as the avowal of each disadvantage was successively wrung from her; but he had cut short his rhapsody to ask, with a sudden relapse to distrust: “And the ghost? You’ve been concealing from us the fact that there is no ghost!”
“It’s too uncomfortable to be real!” Edward Boyne had kept celebrating as she reluctantly revealed each disadvantage; but he had interrupted his excitement to ask, with a sudden return to skepticism: “And the ghost? You've been hiding the fact that there isn’t a ghost!”
Mary, at the moment, had laughed with him, yet almost with her laugh, being possessed of several sets of independent perceptions, had noted a sudden flatness of tone in Alida’s answering hilarity.
Mary had laughed with him, but in her laughter, she noticed a sudden flatness in Alida's response.
“Oh, Dorsetshire’s full of ghosts, you know.”
“Oh, Dorsetshire is full of ghosts, you know.”
“Yes, yes; but that won’t do. I don’t want to have to drive ten miles to see somebody else’s ghost. I want one of my own on the premises. Is there a ghost at Lyng?”
“Yes, yes; but that won’t work. I don’t want to drive ten miles just to see someone else's ghost. I want one of my own right here. Is there a ghost at Lyng?”
His rejoinder had made Alida laugh again, and it was then that she had flung back tantalizingly: “Oh, there is one, of course, but you’ll never know it.”
His response made Alida laugh again, and that's when she teasingly replied, “Oh, there is one, of course, but you’ll never find out.”
“Never know it?” Boyne pulled her up. “But what in the world constitutes a ghost except the fact of its being known for one?”
“Never heard of it?” Boyne pulled her up. “But what exactly makes something a ghost if not the fact that it’s recognized as one?”
“I can’t say. But that’s the story.”
“I can’t say. But that’s the story.”
“That there’s a ghost, but that nobody knows it’s a ghost?”
"That there's a ghost, but nobody realizes it's a ghost?"
“Well—not till afterward, at any rate.”
“Well—not until later, though.”
“Till afterward?”
"See you later?"
“Not till long, long afterward.”
“Not until long after.”
“But if it’s once been identified as an unearthly visitant, why hasn’t its signalement been handed down in the family? How has it managed to preserve its incognito?”
“But if it’s been recognized as an otherworldly visitor, why hasn’t its description been passed down in the family? How has it managed to keep its identity hidden?”
Alida could only shake her head. “Don’t ask me. But it has.”
Alida could only shake her head. “Don’t ask me. But it has.”
“And then suddenly—” Mary spoke up as if from some cavernous depth of divination—“suddenly, long afterward, one says to one’s self, ‘That was it?’”
“And then suddenly—” Mary said as if from some deep place of insight—“suddenly, much later, you think to yourself, 'Was that it?’”
She was oddly startled at the sepulchral sound with which her question fell on the banter of the other two, and she saw the shadow of the same surprise flit across Alida’s clear pupils. “I suppose so. One just has to wait.”
She was surprisingly taken aback by the serious tone her question brought to the lighthearted conversation between the other two, and she noticed a similar look of surprise cross Alida’s bright eyes. “I guess so. You just have to wait.”
“Oh, hang waiting!” Ned broke in. “Life’s too short for a ghost who can only be enjoyed in retrospect. Can’t we do better than that, Mary?”
“Oh, come on with the waiting!” Ned interrupted. “Life’s too short for a ghost that we can only appreciate after the fact. Can’t we do better than that, Mary?”
But it turned out that in the event they were not destined to, for within three months of their conversation with Mrs. Stair they were established at Lyng, and the life they had yearned for to the point of planning it out in all its daily details had actually begun for them.
But it turned out that they weren’t meant to, because within three months of their conversation with Mrs. Stair, they were settled at Lyng, and the life they had longed for to the point of planning it out in every detail had actually started for them.
It was to sit, in the thick December dusk, by just such a wide-hooded fireplace, under just such black oak rafters, with the sense that beyond the mullioned panes the downs were darkening to a deeper solitude: it was for the ultimate indulgence in such sensations that Mary Boyne had endured for nearly fourteen years the soul-deadening ugliness of the Middle West, and that Boyne had ground on doggedly at his engineering till, with a suddenness that still made her blink, the prodigious windfall of the Blue Star Mine had put them at a stroke in possession of life and the leisure to taste it. They had never for a moment meant their new state to be one of idleness; but they meant to give themselves only to harmonious activities. She had her vision of painting and gardening (against a background of gray walls), he dreamed of the production of his long-planned book on the “Economic Basis of Culture”; and with such absorbing work ahead no existence could be too sequestered; they could not get far enough from the world, or plunge deep enough into the past.
It was to sit, in the thick December dusk, by just such a wide-hooded fireplace, under just such black oak rafters, feeling that beyond the mullioned windows the hills were fading into a deeper solitude: it was for the ultimate enjoyment of such feelings that Mary Boyne had endured the soul-crushing ugliness of the Midwest for nearly fourteen years, and that Boyne had persisted in his engineering work until, with a suddenness that still made her blink, the incredible fortune of the Blue Star Mine had instantly given them the means to enjoy life and the time to savor it. They never intended for their new situation to be one of idleness; instead, they wanted to dedicate themselves to fulfilling activities. She envisioned painting and gardening (against a backdrop of gray walls), while he dreamed of finally writing his long-planned book on the “Economic Basis of Culture”; and with such exciting work ahead, no life could be too secluded; they couldn’t get far enough from the world or dive deep enough into the past.
Dorsetshire had attracted them from the first by a semblance of remoteness out of all proportion to its geographical position. But to the Boynes it was one of the ever-recurring wonders of the whole incredibly compressed island—a nest of counties, as they put it—that for the production of its effects so little of a given quality went so far: that so few miles made a distance, and so short a distance a difference.
Dorsetshire had drawn them in from the start with an impression of being remote that seemed much greater than its actual location. But to the Boynes, it was one of the ongoing marvels of the entire surprisingly small island—a collection of counties, as they described it—that produced such significant outcomes with so little of a certain quality: that just a few miles felt like a big distance, and a short distance made a noticeable difference.
“It’s that,” Ned had once enthusiastically explained, “that gives such depth to their effects, such relief to their least contrasts. They’ve been able to lay the butter so thick on every exquisite mouthful.”
“It’s that,” Ned had once enthusiastically explained, “that gives such depth to their effects, such relief to their least contrasts. They’ve managed to spread the butter so thick on every exquisite mouthful.”
The butter had certainly been laid on thick at Lyng: the old gray house, hidden under a shoulder of the downs, had almost all the finer marks of commerce with a protracted past. The mere fact that it was neither large nor exceptional made it, to the Boynes, abound the more richly in its special sense—the sense of having been for centuries a deep, dim reservoir of life. The life had probably not been of the most vivid order: for long periods, no doubt, it had fallen as noiselessly into the past as the quiet drizzle of autumn fell, hour after hour, into the green fish-pond between the yews; but these back-waters of existence sometimes breed, in their sluggish depths, strange acuities of emotion, and Mary Boyne had felt from the first the occasional brush of an intenser memory.
The butter was definitely thick at Lyng: the old gray house, tucked beneath a shoulder of the hills, had almost all the finer signs of a long history. The fact that it was neither large nor remarkable made it, to the Boynes, even richer in its unique essence—the essence of having been for centuries a deep, shadowy reservoir of life. The life there probably hadn’t been all that vibrant: for long stretches, it most likely drifted silently into the past like the soft drizzle of autumn that fell, hour after hour, into the green fish-pond between the yew trees; but these stagnant waters of existence sometimes nurture, in their slow depths, unexpected sharpness of feeling, and Mary Boyne had sensed right from the start the occasional touch of a more intense memory.
The feeling had never been stronger than on the December afternoon when, waiting in the library for the belated lamps, she rose from her seat and stood among the shadows of the hearth. Her husband had gone off, after luncheon, for one of his long tramps on the downs. She had noticed of late that he preferred to be unaccompanied on these occasions; and, in the tried security of their personal relations, had been driven to conclude that his book was bothering him, and that he needed the afternoons to turn over in solitude the problems left from the morning’s work. Certainly the book was not going as smoothly as she had imagined it would, and the lines of perplexity between his eyes had never been there in his engineering days. Then he had often looked fagged to the verge of illness, but the native demon of “worry” had never branded his brow. Yet the few pages he had so far read to her—the introduction, and a synopsis of the opening chapter—gave evidences of a firm possession of his subject, and a deepening confidence in his powers.
The feeling had never been stronger than on that December afternoon when, waiting in the library for the delayed lamps, she got up from her seat and stood in the shadows by the fireplace. Her husband had left after lunch for one of his long walks on the downs. She had noticed recently that he preferred to go alone during these times; and, feeling secure in their relationship, she concluded that his book was giving him trouble and that he needed the afternoons to work through the issues left over from the morning. Clearly, the book wasn’t going as smoothly as she had thought it would, and the lines of confusion between his brows had never been there during his engineering days. Back then, he often looked exhausted to the point of illness, but the constant weight of “worry” had never marked his face. Yet the few pages he had read to her so far—the introduction and a summary of the opening chapter—showed that he had a solid grasp of his topic and a growing confidence in his abilities.
The fact threw her into deeper perplexity, since, now that he had done with “business” and its disturbing contingencies, the one other possible element of anxiety was eliminated. Unless it were his health, then? But physically he had gained since they had come to Dorsetshire, grown robuster, ruddier, and fresher-eyed. It was only within a week that she had felt in him the undefinable change that made her restless in his absence, and as tongue-tied in his presence as though it were she who had a secret to keep from him!
The fact left her even more confused, since now that he was done with "business" and its unsettling issues, the only other possible source of worry was gone. Unless it was his health? But physically, he had improved since they arrived in Dorsetshire, looking stronger, healthier, and with brighter eyes. Just a week ago, she had sensed an indescribable change in him that made her uneasy when he was away, and as quiet as if it were she who had a secret to hide from him!
The thought that there was a secret somewhere between them struck her with a sudden smart rap of wonder, and she looked about her down the dim, long room.
The idea that there was a secret hidden between them hit her like a sudden wave of curiosity, and she glanced around the dim, lengthy room.
“Can it be the house?” she mused.
“Could it be the house?” she wondered.
The room itself might have been full of secrets. They seemed to be piling themselves up, as evening fell, like the layers and layers of velvet shadow dropping from the low ceiling, the dusky walls of books, the smoke-blurred sculpture of the hooded hearth.
The room felt like it was packed with secrets. They seemed to be stacking up as night came, like the thick layers of velvet shadow settling from the low ceiling, the dim walls lined with books, and the smoke-dimmed sculpture of the hooded fireplace.
“Why, of course—the house is haunted!” she reflected.
“Of course—the house is haunted!” she thought.
The ghost—Alida’s imperceptible ghost—after figuring largely in the banter of their first month or two at Lyng, had been gradually discarded as too ineffectual for imaginative use. Mary had, indeed, as became the tenant of a haunted house, made the customary inquiries among her few rural neighbors, but, beyond a vague, “They du say so, Ma’am,” the villagers had nothing to impart. The elusive specter had apparently never had sufficient identity for a legend to crystallize about it, and after a time the Boynes had laughingly set the matter down to their profit-and-loss account, agreeing that Lyng was one of the few houses good enough in itself to dispense with supernatural enhancements.
The ghost—Alida’s barely noticeable ghost—after being a big part of their jokes during the first month or two at Lyng, had slowly been dismissed as too weak for proper storytelling. Mary had, as expected from someone living in a haunted house, asked her few country neighbors about it, but apart from a vague, “They do say so, Ma’am,” the villagers had nothing more to share. The tricky specter apparently never had enough of an identity for a legend to form around it, and after a while, the Boynes had jokingly chalked it up to their profit-and-loss account, agreeing that Lyng was one of the few houses good enough on its own to do without supernatural additions.
“And I suppose, poor, ineffectual demon, that’s why it beats its beautiful wings in vain in the void,” Mary had laughingly concluded.
“And I guess, poor, ineffective demon, that’s why it flaps its beautiful wings for nothing in the emptiness,” Mary had laughingly concluded.
“Or, rather,” Ned answered, in the same strain, “why, amid so much that’s ghostly, it can never affirm its separate existence as the ghost.” And thereupon their invisible housemate had finally dropped out of their references, which were numerous enough to make them promptly unaware of the loss.
“Or, rather,” Ned replied, in the same tone, “why, with so much that’s ghostly, it can never claim to exist as the ghost.” And at that point, their unseen housemate had finally disappeared from their discussions, which happened often enough that they quickly didn’t notice the absence.
Now, as she stood on the hearth, the subject of their earlier curiosity revived in her with a new sense of its meaning—a sense gradually acquired through close daily contact with the scene of the lurking mystery. It was the house itself, of course, that possessed the ghost-seeing faculty, that communed visually but secretly with its own past; and if one could only get into close enough communion with the house, one might surprise its secret, and acquire the ghost-sight on one’s own account. Perhaps, in his long solitary hours in this very room, where she never trespassed till the afternoon, her husband had acquired it already, and was silently carrying the dread weight of whatever it had revealed to him. Mary was too well-versed in the code of the spectral world not to know that one could not talk about the ghosts one saw: to do so was almost as great a breach of good-breeding as to name a lady in a club. But this explanation did not really satisfy her. “What, after all, except for the fun of the frisson,” she reflected, “would he really care for any of their old ghosts?” And thence she was thrown back once more on the fundamental dilemma: the fact that one’s greater or less susceptibility to spectral influences had no particular bearing on the case, since, when one did see a ghost at Lyng, one did not know it.
Now, as she stood by the fireplace, the topic of their earlier curiosity took on new meaning for her—an understanding that had gradually come through close daily exposure to the scene of the hidden mystery. It was the house itself, of course, that had the ability to see ghosts, that communicated secretly through its own past; and if one could get close enough to the house, one might uncover its secrets and gain the ability to see ghosts for oneself. Perhaps, in his long hours alone in this very room, where she never entered until the afternoon, her husband had already discovered this and was silently burdened by whatever it had revealed to him. Mary was too familiar with the rules of the ghostly realm not to realize that one couldn’t talk about the ghosts one saw: doing so was almost as much of a social faux pas as mentioning a lady in a club. But this explanation did not truly satisfy her. “What, after all, aside from the thrill of the frisson,” she thought, “would he actually care about any of their old ghosts?” And this led her back to the core dilemma: the fact that one’s sensitivity to ghostly influences had no real impact on the situation, since when one did see a ghost at Lyng, one simply didn’t know it.
“Not till long afterward,” Alida Stair had said. Well, supposing Ned had seen one when they first came, and had known only within the last week what had happened to him? More and more under the spell of the hour, she threw back her searching thoughts to the early days of their tenancy, but at first only to recall a gay confusion of unpacking, settling, arranging of books, and calling to each other from remote corners of the house as treasure after treasure of their habitation revealed itself to them. It was in this particular connection that she presently recalled a certain soft afternoon of the previous October, when, passing from the first rapturous flurry of exploration to a detailed inspection of the old house, she had pressed (like a novel heroine) a panel that opened at her touch, on a narrow flight of stairs leading to an unsuspected flat ledge of the roof—the roof which, from below, seemed to slope away on all sides too abruptly for any but practised feet to scale.
“Not until much later,” Alida Stair had said. Well, what if Ned had seen one when they first moved in and only just realized what had happened to him in the last week? More and more under the influence of the moment, she recalled the early days of their time there, but at first, she could only remember the joyful chaos of unpacking, settling in, organizing books, and calling out to each other from different corners of the house as treasure after treasure of their new home was discovered. It was in this context that she suddenly remembered a particular soft afternoon last October when, moving from the initial excited flurry of exploration to a more thorough inspection of the old house, she had pressed (like a character in a novel) on a panel that opened at her touch, revealing a narrow staircase leading to an unexpected flat area on the roof—the roof that, from below, looked like it sloped too sharply on all sides for anyone but experienced climbers to scale.
The view from this hidden coign was enchanting, and she had flown down to snatch Ned from his papers and give him the freedom of her discovery. She remembered still how, standing on the narrow ledge, he had passed his arm about her while their gaze flew to the long, tossed horizon-line of the downs, and then dropped contentedly back to trace the arabesque of yew hedges about the fish-pond, and the shadow of the cedar on the lawn.
The view from this hidden corner was beautiful, and she had hurried down to grab Ned from his work and share the joy of her discovery with him. She still remembered how, standing on the narrow ledge, he wrapped his arm around her while they looked out at the long, wild horizon of the hills, and then happily turned their attention back to the intricate patterns of the yew hedges around the fish pond and the shadow of the cedar tree on the lawn.
“And now the other way,” he had said, gently turning her about within his arm; and closely pressed to him, she had absorbed, like some long, satisfying draft, the picture of the gray-walled court, the squat lions on the gates, and the lime-avenue reaching up to the highroad under the downs.
“And now the other way,” he said, gently turning her around in his arm; and pressed closely to him, she took in, like a long, satisfying drink, the view of the gray-walled courtyard, the squat lions on the gates, and the lime avenue leading up to the highway beneath the hills.
It was just then, while they gazed and held each other, that she had felt his arm relax, and heard a sharp “Hullo!” that made her turn to glance at him.
It was just then, while they were looking at each other and holding on tight, that she felt his arm loosen, and heard a quick “Hey!” that made her turn to look at him.
Distinctly, yes, she now recalled she had seen, as she glanced, a shadow of anxiety, of perplexity, rather, fall across his face; and, following his eyes, had beheld the figure of a man—a man in loose, grayish clothes, as it appeared to her—who was sauntering down the lime-avenue to the court with the tentative gait of a stranger seeking his way. Her short-sighted eyes had given her but a blurred impression of slightness and grayness, with something foreign, or at least unlocal, in the cut of the figure or its garb; but her husband had apparently seen more—seen enough to make him push past her with a sharp “Wait!” and dash down the twisting stairs without pausing to give her a hand for the descent.
Clearly, she now remembered that she had noticed, in passing, a look of worry, or rather confusion, cross his face; and, following his gaze, she saw the silhouette of a man—a man in loose, grayish clothes, as she perceived—who was strolling down the lime tree avenue toward the court with the hesitant movement of a stranger trying to find his way. Her poor eyesight had given her just a hazy impression of slenderness and grayness, with something unfamiliar, or at least non-local, about the style of the figure or its clothing; but her husband had seemingly noticed more—enough to make him push past her with a sharp “Wait!” and rush down the winding stairs without stopping to help her descend.
A slight tendency to dizziness obliged her, after a provisional clutch at the chimney against which they had been leaning, to follow him down more cautiously; and when she had reached the attic landing she paused again for a less definite reason, leaning over the oak banister to strain her eyes through the silence of the brown, sun-flecked depths below. She lingered there till, somewhere in those depths, she heard the closing of a door; then, mechanically impelled, she went down the shallow flights of steps till she reached the lower hall.
A slight feeling of dizziness made her, after temporarily grabbing the chimney they had been leaning against, follow him down more carefully. Once she reached the attic landing, she paused again for an unclear reason, leaning over the oak banister to peer through the quiet of the brown, sunlit shadows below. She stayed there until she heard a door close somewhere in that space; then, almost instinctively, she went down the short flights of stairs until she reached the lower hall.
The front door stood open on the mild sunlight of the court, and hall and court were empty. The library door was open, too, and after listening in vain for any sound of voices within, she quickly crossed the threshold, and found her husband alone, vaguely fingering the papers on his desk.
The front door was open to the warm sunlight of the courtyard, and both the hall and the courtyard were empty. The library door was open as well, and after listening in vain for any voices inside, she quickly stepped through the door and found her husband alone, idly sorting through the papers on his desk.
He looked up, as if surprised at her precipitate entrance, but the shadow of anxiety had passed from his face, leaving it even, as she fancied, a little brighter and clearer than usual.
He looked up, as if surprised by her sudden entrance, but the hint of anxiety had faded from his face, making it seem, as she thought, a bit brighter and clearer than usual.
“What was it? Who was it?” she asked.
“What was it? Who was it?” she asked.
“Who?” he repeated, with the surprise still all on his side.
"Who?" he asked, still stunned.
“The man we saw coming toward the house.” Boyne shrugged his shoulders. “So I thought; but he must have got up steam in the interval. What do you say to our trying a scramble up Meldon Steep before sunset?”
“The man we saw walking toward the house.” Boyne shrugged his shoulders. “I thought so too; but he must have gathered some energy in the meantime. What do you think about us trying to climb Meldon Steep before sunset?”
That was all. At the time the occurrence had been less than nothing, had, indeed, been immediately obliterated by the magic of their first vision from Meldon Steep, a height which they had dreamed of climbing ever since they had first seen its bare spine heaving itself above the low roof of Lyng. Doubtless it was the mere fact of the other incident’s having occurred on the very day of their ascent to Meldon that had kept it stored away in the unconscious fold of association from which it now emerged; for in itself it had no mark of the portentous. At the moment there could have been nothing more natural than that Ned should dash himself from the roof in the pursuit of dilatory tradesmen. It was the period when they were always on the watch for one or the other of the specialists employed about the place; always lying in wait for them, and dashing out at them with questions, reproaches, or reminders. And certainly in the distance the gray figure had looked like Peters.
That was it. At the time, what happened felt like nothing at all, really, and had quickly been overshadowed by the excitement of their first view from Meldon Steep, a peak they had dreamed of climbing since they first spotted its bare ridge rising above the low roof of Lyng. It was probably just that the other incident happened on the same day they climbed Meldon that kept it tucked away in their subconscious, where it now surfaced; after all, it wasn’t anything significant. At that moment, it made perfect sense for Ned to jump off the roof chasing after slow tradespeople. It was the time when they were always on the lookout for one or another of the specialists working nearby; they were constantly waiting for them, ready to rush out with questions, complaints, or reminders. And from a distance, the gray figure did look like Peters.
Yet now, as she reviewed the rapid scene, she felt her husband’s explanation of it to have been invalidated by the look of anxiety on his face. Why had the familiar appearance of Peters made him anxious? Why, above all, if it was of such prime necessity to confer with that authority on the subject of the stable-drains, had the failure to find him produced such a look of relief? Mary could not say that any one of these considerations had occurred to her at the time, yet, from the promptness with which they now marshaled themselves at her summons, she had a sudden sense that they must all along have been there, waiting their hour.
Yet now, as she looked back at the quick scene, she felt that her husband’s explanation had been undermined by the worried look on his face. Why did seeing Peters make him anxious? And why, especially if it was so important to talk to that authority about the stable drains, did failing to find him bring such a look of relief? Mary couldn’t say that any of these thoughts had crossed her mind at the time, but the way they quickly lined up now at her call gave her a sudden feeling that they had all been there all along, waiting for the right moment.
II
Weary with her thoughts, she moved toward the window. The library was now completely dark, and she was surprised to see how much faint light the outer world still held.
Weary with her thoughts, she moved toward the window. The library was now completely dark, and she was surprised to see how much faint light the outside world still had.
As she peered out into it across the court, a figure shaped itself in the tapering perspective of bare lines: it looked a mere blot of deeper gray in the grayness, and for an instant, as it moved toward her, her heart thumped to the thought, “It’s the ghost!”
As she looked out across the courtyard, a figure emerged in the narrowing view of bare lines: it appeared as a dark spot against the gray surroundings, and for a moment, as it moved closer, her heart raced with the thought, “It’s the ghost!”
She had time, in that long instant, to feel suddenly that the man of whom, two months earlier, she had a brief distant vision from the roof was now, at his predestined hour, about to reveal himself as not having been Peters; and her spirit sank under the impending fear of the disclosure. But almost with the next tick of the clock the ambiguous figure, gaining substance and character, showed itself even to her weak sight as her husband’s; and she turned away to meet him, as he entered, with the confession of her folly.
She had time, in that long moment, to suddenly realize that the man she had seen briefly and from afar on the roof two months ago was now, at his destined time, about to prove that he was not Peters; and her spirit fell under the weight of the fear of what would be revealed. But almost with the next tick of the clock, the unclear figure, gaining shape and definition, became recognizable even to her weakened sight as her husband’s; and she turned away to greet him as he walked in, ready to admit her mistake.
“It’s really too absurd,” she laughed out from the threshold, “but I never can remember!”
“It’s really too ridiculous,” she laughed from the doorway, “but I never can remember!”
“Remember what?” Boyne questioned as they drew together.
“Remember what?” Boyne asked as they moved closer.
“That when one sees the Lyng ghost one never knows it.”
"That when you see the Lyng ghost, you never really recognize it."
Her hand was on his sleeve, and he kept it there, but with no response in his gesture or in the lines of his fagged, preoccupied face.
Her hand was on his sleeve, and he held it there, but he didn't respond with his body language or his tired, distracted expression.
“Did you think you’d seen it?” he asked, after an appreciable interval.
“Did you think you’d seen it?” he asked, after a noticeable pause.
“Why, I actually took you for it, my dear, in my mad determination to spot it!”
“Honestly, I really thought you were it, my dear, in my crazy effort to find it!”
“Me—just now?” His arm dropped away, and he turned from her with a faint echo of her laugh. “Really, dearest, you’d better give it up, if that’s the best you can do.”
“Me—just now?” His arm fell away, and he turned from her with a faint echo of her laugh. “Honestly, my dear, you should probably let it go if that's the best you've got.”
“Yes, I give it up—I give it up. Have you?” she asked, turning round on him abruptly.
“Yes, I give it up—I give it up. Have you?” she asked, turning to him suddenly.
The parlor-maid had entered with letters and a lamp, and the light struck up into Boyne’s face as he bent above the tray she presented.
The maid came in with letters and a lamp, and the light shone up into Boyne's face as he leaned over the tray she offered.
“Have you?” Mary perversely insisted, when the servant had disappeared on her errand of illumination.
“Have you?” Mary stubbornly insisted when the servant had disappeared on her task of bringing light.
“Have I what?” he rejoined absently, the light bringing out the sharp stamp of worry between his brows as he turned over the letters.
“Have I what?” he replied absentmindedly, the light highlighting the deep crease of concern between his brows as he sorted through the letters.
“I never tried,” he said, tearing open the wrapper of a newspaper.
"I never tried," he said, ripping open the wrapper of a newspaper.
“Well, of course,” Mary persisted, “the exasperating thing is that there’s no use trying, since one can’t be sure till so long afterward.”
“Well, of course,” Mary continued, “the frustrating thing is that there’s no point in trying, since you can’t be sure until much later.”
He was unfolding the paper as if he had hardly heard her; but after a pause, during which the sheets rustled spasmodically between his hands, he lifted his head to say abruptly, “Have you any idea how long?”
He was unfolding the paper as if he had barely heard her; but after a moment, during which the sheets rustled unevenly between his hands, he lifted his head to say suddenly, “Do you have any idea how long?”
Mary had sunk into a low chair beside the fireplace. From her seat she looked up, startled, at her husband’s profile, which was darkly projected against the circle of lamplight.
Mary had settled into a low chair next to the fireplace. From her spot, she glanced up, startled, at her husband’s profile, which was sharply outlined against the warm glow of the lamp.
“No; none. Have you” she retorted, repeating her former phrase with an added keenness of intention.
“No; none. Have you?” she shot back, rephrasing her earlier statement with more intent.
Boyne crumpled the paper into a bunch, and then inconsequently turned back with it toward the lamp.
Boyne crumpled the paper into a wad and then casually turned back toward the lamp with it.
“Lord, no! I only meant,” he explained, with a faint tinge of impatience, “is there any legend, any tradition, as to that?”
“God, no! I just meant,” he explained, with a hint of impatience, “is there any legend, any tradition, about that?”
“Not that I know of,” she answered; but the impulse to add, “What makes you ask?” was checked by the reappearance of the parlor-maid with tea and a second lamp.
“Not that I know of,” she replied; but the urge to add, “What makes you ask?” was held back by the return of the parlor maid with tea and another lamp.
With the dispersal of shadows, and the repetition of the daily domestic office, Mary Boyne felt herself less oppressed by that sense of something mutely imminent which had darkened her solitary afternoon. For a few moments she gave herself silently to the details of her task, and when she looked up from it she was struck to the point of bewilderment by the change in her husband’s face. He had seated himself near the farther lamp, and was absorbed in the perusal of his letters; but was it something he had found in them, or merely the shifting of her own point of view, that had restored his features to their normal aspect? The longer she looked, the more definitely the change affirmed itself. The lines of painful tension had vanished, and such traces of fatigue as lingered were of the kind easily attributable to steady mental effort. He glanced up, as if drawn by her gaze, and met her eyes with a smile.
As the shadows faded and the routine of daily life continued, Mary Boyne felt less burdened by the unspoken sense of impending doom that had darkened her lonely afternoon. For a few moments, she concentrated quietly on the details of her task, and when she finally looked up, she was bewildered by the change in her husband’s face. He had positioned himself near the lamp and was engrossed in reading his letters; but was it something he discovered in them, or just her shifting perspective, that had brought his features back to normal? The longer she stared, the more clearly the change became apparent. The lines of tension were gone, and any remaining signs of fatigue were easily linked to intense mental effort. He glanced up, as if sensing her gaze, and smiled back at her.
“I’m dying for my tea, you know; and here’s a letter for you,” he said.
“I’m craving my tea, you know; and here’s a letter for you,” he said.
She took the letter he held out in exchange for the cup she proffered him, and, returning to her seat, broke the seal with the languid gesture of the reader whose interests are all inclosed in the circle of one cherished presence.
She took the letter he offered in exchange for the cup she handed him, and, returning to her seat, broke the seal with the relaxed movement of someone whose interests are completely focused on one beloved person.
Her next conscious motion was that of starting to her feet, the letter falling to them as she rose, while she held out to her husband a long newspaper clipping.
Her next clear action was getting to her feet, the letter dropping to the floor as she stood up, while she handed her husband a long newspaper clipping.
“Ned! What’s this? What does it mean?”
“Ned! What’s this? What does it mean?”
He had risen at the same instant, almost as if hearing her cry before she uttered it; and for a perceptible space of time he and she studied each other, like adversaries watching for an advantage, across the space between her chair and his desk.
He had stood up at the exact moment, almost like he heard her scream before she said it; and for a noticeable moment, he and she examined each other, like opponents looking for an edge, across the distance between her chair and his desk.
“What’s what? You fairly made me jump!” Boyne said at length, moving toward her with a sudden, half-exasperated laugh. The shadow of apprehension was on his face again, not now a look of fixed foreboding, but a shifting vigilance of lips and eyes that gave her the sense of his feeling himself invisibly surrounded.
“What is it? You almost made me jump!” Boyne said after a moment, moving toward her with a sudden, half-annoyed laugh. The shadow of worry was on his face again, not so much a look of steady dread, but a restless alertness in his lips and eyes that made her feel like he sensed something unseen surrounding him.
Her hand shook so that she could hardly give him the clipping.
Her hand shook so much that she could barely hand him the clipping.
“This article—from the ‘Waukesha Sentinel’—that a man named Elwell has brought suit against you—that there was something wrong about the Blue Star Mine. I can’t understand more than half.”
“This article—from the ‘Waukesha Sentinel’—says that a man named Elwell has sued you, claiming there’s something wrong with the Blue Star Mine. I can’t make sense of more than half of it.”
They continued to face each other as she spoke, and to her astonishment, she saw that her words had the almost immediate effect of dissipating the strained watchfulness of his look.
They kept facing each other as she spoke, and to her surprise, she noticed that her words quickly eased the tense watchfulness in his gaze.
“Oh, that!” He glanced down the printed slip, and then folded it with the gesture of one who handles something harmless and familiar. “What’s the matter with you this afternoon, Mary? I thought you’d got bad news.”
“Oh, that!” He looked at the printed slip and then folded it as if it were something harmless and familiar. “What’s wrong with you this afternoon, Mary? I thought you had bad news.”
She stood before him with her undefinable terror subsiding slowly under the reassuring touch of his composure.
She stood in front of him, her indescribable fear gradually fading away under the calming effect of his calm demeanor.
“You knew about this, then—it’s all right?”
“You knew about this, then—it’s all good?”
“Certainly I knew about it; and it’s all right.”
“Sure, I knew about it; and it's fine.”
“But what is it? I don’t understand. What does this man accuse you of?”
“But what is it? I don’t get it. What does this guy accuse you of?”
“Oh, pretty nearly every crime in the calendar.” Boyne had tossed the clipping down, and thrown himself comfortably into an arm-chair near the fire. “Do you want to hear the story? It’s not particularly interesting—just a squabble over interests in the Blue Star.”
“Oh, just about every crime you can think of.” Boyne dropped the newspaper clipping and settled into a comfy armchair by the fire. “Do you want to hear the story? It’s not that intriguing—just a dispute over interests in the Blue Star.”
“But who is this Elwell? I don’t know the name.”
“But who is this Elwell? I’m not familiar with that name.”
“Oh, he’s a fellow I put into it—gave him a hand up. I told you all about him at the time.”
“Oh, he’s someone I helped out—gave him a boost. I told you all about him back then.”
“I daresay. I must have forgotten.” Vainly she strained back among her memories. “But if you helped him, why does he make this return?”
“I must have forgotten,” she said. She searched her memories in vain. “But if you helped him, why is he back now?”
“Oh, probably some shyster lawyer got hold of him and talked him over. It’s all rather technical and complicated. I thought that kind of thing bored you.”
“Oh, probably some shady lawyer got to him and had a conversation. It’s all pretty technical and complicated. I thought that stuff bored you.”
His wife felt a sting of compunction. Theoretically, she deprecated the American wife’s detachment from her husband’s professional interests, but in practice she had always found it difficult to fix her attention on Boyne’s report of the transactions in which his varied interests involved him. Besides, she had felt from the first that, in a community where the amenities of living could be obtained only at the cost of efforts as arduous as her husband’s professional labors, such brief leisure as they could command should be used as an escape from immediate preoccupations, a flight to the life they always dreamed of living. Once or twice, now that this new life had actually drawn its magic circle about them, she had asked herself if she had done right; but hitherto such conjectures had been no more than the retrospective excursions of an active fancy. Now, for the first time, it startled her a little to find how little she knew of the material foundation on which her happiness was built.
His wife felt a twinge of guilt. Theoretically, she criticized the American wife’s indifference to her husband’s professional interests, but in practice, she had always found it hard to focus on Boyne’s accounts of the various dealings he was involved in. Additionally, she had felt from the beginning that, in a community where the comforts of life could only be obtained through efforts as demanding as her husband’s work, the little free time they had should be used as an escape from immediate worries, a getaway to the life they had always dreamed of living. Once or twice, now that this new life had actually surrounded them with its charm, she had questioned whether she had made the right choice; but until now, those thoughts had only been the fleeting musings of an active imagination. Now, for the first time, it shocked her a bit to realize how little she knew about the solid foundation on which her happiness was built.
She glanced again at her husband, and was reassured by the composure of his face; yet she felt the need of more definite grounds for her reassurance.
She looked at her husband again and felt comforted by the calmness of his face; however, she still wanted more concrete reasons to feel at ease.
“But doesn’t this suit worry you? Why have you never spoken to me about it?”
“But doesn’t this suit make you anxious? Why have you never mentioned it to me?”
He answered both questions at once: “I didn’t speak of it at first because it did worry me—annoyed me, rather. But it’s all ancient history now. Your correspondent must have got hold of a back number of the ‘Sentinel.’”
He answered both questions at once: “I didn’t mention it at first because it did bother me—more like irritated me. But it’s all old news now. Your reporter must have found an old copy of the ‘Sentinel.’”
She felt a quick thrill of relief. “You mean it’s over? He’s lost his case?”
She felt a rush of relief. “Are you serious? It's over? He lost his case?”
There was a just perceptible delay in Boyne’s reply. “The suit’s been withdrawn—that’s all.”
There was a slight pause before Boyne responded. “The suit's been withdrawn—that's it.”
But she persisted, as if to exonerate herself from the inward charge of being too easily put off. “Withdrawn because he saw he had no chance?”
But she kept going, almost as if to clear herself from the nagging feeling of being too easily discouraged. “He backed off because he realized he had no chance?”
“Oh, he had no chance,” Boyne answered.
“Oh, he had no chance,” Boyne replied.
She was still struggling with a dimly felt perplexity at the back of her thoughts.
She was still dealing with a vague confusion at the back of her mind.
“How long ago was it withdrawn?”
“How long ago was it pulled back?”
He paused, as if with a slight return of his former uncertainty. “I’ve just had the news now; but I’ve been expecting it.”
He stopped, as if feeling a bit of his old uncertainty come back. “I just got the news now, but I’ve been anticipating it.”
“Just now—in one of your letters?”
“Just now—in one of your letters?”
“Yes; in one of my letters.”
“Yes, in one of my letters.”
She made no answer, and was aware only, after a short interval of waiting, that he had risen, and strolling across the room, had placed himself on the sofa at her side. She felt him, as he did so, pass an arm about her, she felt his hand seek hers and clasp it, and turning slowly, drawn by the warmth of his cheek, she met the smiling clearness of his eyes.
She didn’t respond and only realized after a brief moment of waiting that he had gotten up, walked across the room, and sat down on the sofa next to her. She felt him wrap his arm around her, and as his hand found hers and held it, she turned slowly, drawn by the warmth of his cheek, and met the bright smile in his eyes.
“It’s all right—it’s all right?” she questioned, through the flood of her dissolving doubts; and “I give you my word it never was righter!” he laughed back at her, holding her close.
“It’s okay—it’s okay?” she asked, amid her overwhelming doubts; and “I promise you it has never been more right!” he laughed back at her, holding her close.
III
One of the strangest things she was afterward to recall out of all the next day’s incredible strangeness was the sudden and complete recovery of her sense of security.
One of the weirdest things she would later remember from all the next day's unbelievable oddities was the sudden and total return of her sense of security.
It was in the air when she woke in her low-ceilinged, dusky room; it accompanied her down-stairs to the breakfast-table, flashed out at her from the fire, and re-duplicated itself brightly from the flanks of the urn and the sturdy flutings of the Georgian teapot. It was as if, in some roundabout way, all her diffused apprehensions of the previous day, with their moment of sharp concentration about the newspaper article,—as if this dim questioning of the future, and startled return upon the past,—had between them liquidated the arrears of some haunting moral obligation. If she had indeed been careless of her husband’s affairs, it was, her new state seemed to prove, because her faith in him instinctively justified such carelessness; and his right to her faith had overwhelmingly affirmed itself in the very face of menace and suspicion. She had never seen him more untroubled, more naturally and unconsciously in possession of himself, than after the cross-examination to which she had subjected him: it was almost as if he had been aware of her lurking doubts, and had wanted the air cleared as much as she did.
It was in the air when she woke up in her low-ceilinged, dimly lit room; it followed her downstairs to the breakfast table, flashed at her from the fire, and reflected brightly off the sides of the urn and the solid curves of the Georgian teapot. It felt like, in some roundabout way, all her scattered worries from the day before, particularly that sharp focus on the newspaper article—this vague questioning of the future and sudden reflection on the past—had somehow addressed the lingering sense of a moral obligation she felt. If she had truly been indifferent to her husband’s affairs, it seemed her new feelings proved it was because she had an instinctive confidence in him that justified her carelessness; and his right to her trust had strongly asserted itself even in the face of threat and doubt. She had never seen him appear more at ease, more naturally and unconsciously in control of himself, than after the intense questioning she had put him through: it was almost as if he had sensed her hidden doubts and wanted to clear the air just as much as she did.
It was as clear, thank Heaven! as the bright outer light that surprised her almost with a touch of summer when she issued from the house for her daily round of the gardens. She had left Boyne at his desk, indulging herself, as she passed the library door, by a last peep at his quiet face, where he bent, pipe in his mouth, above his papers, and now she had her own morning’s task to perform. The task involved on such charmed winter days almost as much delighted loitering about the different quarters of her demesne as if spring were already at work on shrubs and borders. There were such inexhaustible possibilities still before her, such opportunities to bring out the latent graces of the old place, without a single irreverent touch of alteration, that the winter months were all too short to plan what spring and autumn executed. And her recovered sense of safety gave, on this particular morning, a peculiar zest to her progress through the sweet, still place. She went first to the kitchen-garden, where the espaliered pear-trees drew complicated patterns on the walls, and pigeons were fluttering and preening about the silvery-slated roof of their cot. There was something wrong about the piping of the hothouse, and she was expecting an authority from Dorchester, who was to drive out between trains and make a diagnosis of the boiler. But when she dipped into the damp heat of the greenhouses, among the spiced scents and waxy pinks and reds of old-fashioned exotics,—even the flora of Lyng was in the note!—she learned that the great man had not arrived, and the day being too rare to waste in an artificial atmosphere, she came out again and paced slowly along the springy turf of the bowling-green to the gardens behind the house. At their farther end rose a grass terrace, commanding, over the fish-pond and the yew hedges, a view of the long house-front, with its twisted chimney-stacks and the blue shadows of its roof angles, all drenched in the pale gold moisture of the air.
It was as clear, thank God! as the bright outside light that almost felt like summer when she stepped out of the house for her daily stroll through the gardens. She had left Boyne at his desk, treating herself to one last look at his calm face as she passed the library door, where he sat with a pipe in his mouth, focused on his papers, and now it was time for her to tackle her own morning task. This task on such enchanting winter days often involved just as much enjoyable wandering around different parts of her estate as if spring were already busy working on the shrubs and borders. There were still endless possibilities ahead of her, opportunities to reveal the hidden charm of the old place, without making a single disrespectful change, so the winter months felt far too short to plan what spring and autumn would accomplish. On this particular morning, her renewed sense of security added a special excitement to her walk through the sweet, quiet place. She first went to the kitchen garden, where the espaliered pear trees created intricate patterns on the walls, and pigeons were flapping and preening on the silver-slated roof of their coop. There was an issue with the hothouse piping, and she was expecting an expert from Dorchester, who was supposed to come out between trains to diagnose the boiler. However, when she stepped into the humid warmth of the greenhouses, surrounded by the spicy scents and waxy pinks and reds of old-fashioned exotic plants—even the flora of Lyng was included!—she found out that the expert had not yet arrived. Since the day was too beautiful to spend in an artificial environment, she stepped back outside and strolled slowly along the springy turf of the bowling green toward the gardens behind the house. At the far end, a grass terrace rose, offering a view of the long house front over the fish pond and the yew hedges, showcasing its twisted chimney stacks and the blue shadows of the roof angles, all bathed in the soft gold moisture of the air.
Seen thus, across the level tracery of the yews, under the suffused, mild light, it sent her, from its open windows and hospitably smoking chimneys, the look of some warm human presence, of a mind slowly ripened on a sunny wall of experience. She had never before had so deep a sense of her intimacy with it, such a conviction that its secrets were all beneficent, kept, as they said to children, “for one’s good,” so complete a trust in its power to gather up her life and Ned’s into the harmonious pattern of the long, long story it sat there weaving in the sun.
Seen this way, through the open branches of the yews, under the soft, gentle light, it offered her, from its open windows and welcoming, smoking chimneys, the feeling of a warm human presence, of a mind slowly matured on a sunny wall of experience. She had never felt so deeply connected to it before, such a strong belief that its secrets were all good, kept, as they told children, "for your benefit," and such complete trust in its ability to weave together her life and Ned's into the beautiful pattern of the long, long story it was creating in the sunlight.
She heard steps behind her, and turned, expecting to see the gardener, accompanied by the engineer from Dorchester. But only one figure was in sight, that of a youngish, slightly built man, who, for reasons she could not on the spot have specified, did not remotely resemble her preconceived notion of an authority on hot-house boilers. The new-comer, on seeing her, lifted his hat, and paused with the air of a gentleman—perhaps a traveler—desirous of having it immediately known that his intrusion is involuntary. The local fame of Lyng occasionally attracted the more intelligent sight-seer, and Mary half-expected to see the stranger dissemble a camera, or justify his presence by producing it. But he made no gesture of any sort, and after a moment she asked, in a tone responding to the courteous deprecation of his attitude: “Is there any one you wish to see?”
She heard footsteps behind her and turned, expecting to see the gardener with the engineer from Dorchester. But there was only one person in sight, a youngish, slender man who, for reasons she couldn’t quite place, didn’t look at all like her idea of an expert on hot-house boilers. When he noticed her, he lifted his hat and paused with the demeanor of a gentleman—maybe a traveler—who wanted to make it clear that his presence was unintentional. The local reputation of Lyng sometimes drew in more discerning visitors, and Mary half-expected the stranger to pull out a camera or explain why he was there. But he didn’t make any such gesture, and after a moment, she asked, in a tone that matched his polite demeanor, “Is there someone you’re looking for?”
“I came to see Mr. Boyne,” he replied. His intonation, rather than his accent, was faintly American, and Mary, at the familiar note, looked at him more closely. The brim of his soft felt hat cast a shade on his face, which, thus obscured, wore to her short-sighted gaze a look of seriousness, as of a person arriving “on business,” and civilly but firmly aware of his rights.
“I came to see Mr. Boyne,” he replied. His tone, rather than his accent, was slightly American, and Mary, noticing the familiar sound, looked at him more closely. The brim of his soft felt hat cast a shadow on his face, which, thus obscured, appeared to her short-sighted eyes serious, like someone arriving “on business,” and politely but firmly aware of his rights.
Past experience had made Mary equally sensible to such claims; but she was jealous of her husband’s morning hours, and doubtful of his having given any one the right to intrude on them.
Past experience had made Mary just as aware of such claims; but she was jealous of her husband’s morning time and unsure if he had given anyone the right to interrupt it.
“Have you an appointment with Mr. Boyne?” she asked.
“Do you have an appointment with Mr. Boyne?” she asked.
He hesitated, as if unprepared for the question.
He hesitated, as if he wasn't ready for the question.
“Not exactly an appointment,” he replied.
“Not really an appointment,” he replied.
“Then I’m afraid, this being his working-time, that he can’t receive you now. Will you give me a message, or come back later?”
“Then I’m afraid, since this is his working hours, he can’t see you right now. Would you like to leave a message, or come back later?”
The visitor, again lifting his hat, briefly replied that he would come back later, and walked away, as if to regain the front of the house. As his figure receded down the walk between the yew hedges, Mary saw him pause and look up an instant at the peaceful house-front bathed in faint winter sunshine; and it struck her, with a tardy touch of compunction, that it would have been more humane to ask if he had come from a distance, and to offer, in that case, to inquire if her husband could receive him. But as the thought occurred to her he passed out of sight behind a pyramidal yew, and at the same moment her attention was distracted by the approach of the gardener, attended by the bearded pepper-and-salt figure of the boiler-maker from Dorchester.
The visitor, again tipping his hat, quickly replied that he would come back later and walked away, as if heading back to the front of the house. As his figure faded down the path between the yew hedges, Mary saw him stop and glance up for a moment at the calm house front basked in soft winter sunshine; and it hit her, with a delayed sense of guilt, that it would have been kinder to ask if he had come from far away and to offer, if that was the case, to check if her husband could see him. But as this thought crossed her mind, he disappeared from view behind a tall yew, and at that moment, her attention was pulled away by the gardener coming up with the bearded, pepper-and-salt figure of the boiler-maker from Dorchester.
The encounter with this authority led to such far-reaching issues that they resulted in his finding it expedient to ignore his train, and beguiled Mary into spending the remainder of the morning in absorbed confabulation among the greenhouses. She was startled to find, when the colloquy ended, that it was nearly luncheon-time, and she half expected, as she hurried back to the house, to see her husband coming out to meet her. But she found no one in the court but an under-gardener raking the gravel, and the hall, when she entered it, was so silent that she guessed Boyne to be still at work behind the closed door of the library.
The meeting with this authority led to such significant issues that he decided it was better to skip his train and encouraged Mary to spend the rest of the morning chatting in the greenhouses. She was surprised to realize, when their conversation finished, that it was almost lunchtime, and she half expected, as she rushed back to the house, to see her husband coming out to greet her. But she found no one in the courtyard except for a gardener raking the gravel, and the hall, when she entered, was so quiet that she assumed Boyne was still working behind the closed door of the library.
Not wishing to disturb him, she turned into the drawing-room, and there, at her writing-table, lost herself in renewed calculations of the outlay to which the morning’s conference had committed her. The knowledge that she could permit herself such follies had not yet lost its novelty; and somehow, in contrast to the vague apprehensions of the previous days, it now seemed an element of her recovered security, of the sense that, as Ned had said, things in general had never been “righter.”
Not wanting to interrupt him, she stepped into the living room and sat down at her writing desk, getting absorbed in recalculating the expenses that the morning's meeting had committed her to. The awareness that she could indulge in such luxuries still felt fresh and exciting; and somehow, in contrast to the vague worries of the past few days, it now seemed like a part of her regained stability, a feeling that, as Ned had said, things in general had never been “better.”
She was still luxuriating in a lavish play of figures when the parlor-maid, from the threshold, roused her with a dubiously worded inquiry as to the expediency of serving luncheon. It was one of their jokes that Trimmle announced luncheon as if she were divulging a state secret, and Mary, intent upon her papers, merely murmured an absent-minded assent.
She was still enjoying a lavish display of figures when the parlor maid, standing in the doorway, interrupted her with a somewhat uncertain question about whether it was a good time to serve lunch. It had become one of their inside jokes that Trimmle announced lunch as if she were revealing a state secret, and Mary, focused on her papers, simply mumbled a distracted agreement.
She felt Trimmle wavering expressively on the threshold as if in rebuke of such offhand acquiescence; then her retreating steps sounded down the passage, and Mary, pushing away her papers, crossed the hall, and went to the library door. It was still closed, and she wavered in her turn, disliking to disturb her husband, yet anxious that he should not exceed his normal measure of work. As she stood there, balancing her impulses, the esoteric Trimmle returned with the announcement of luncheon, and Mary, thus impelled, opened the door and went into the library.
She sensed Trimmle hesitating dramatically at the doorway, almost as if criticizing her casual agreement; then she heard her footsteps fading down the hall. Mary, pushing aside her papers, crossed the hall and approached the library door. It was still closed, and she hesitated herself, not wanting to interrupt her husband, but worried that he might overwork himself. As she stood there, weighing her feelings, the enigmatic Trimmle came back to announce lunch, and Mary, motivated by this, opened the door and stepped into the library.
Boyne was not at his desk, and she peered about her, expecting to discover him at the book-shelves, somewhere down the length of the room; but her call brought no response, and gradually it became clear to her that he was not in the library.
Boyne wasn't at his desk, and she looked around, expecting to find him by the bookshelves somewhere in the room; but her call got no answer, and slowly it became obvious to her that he wasn't in the library.
She turned back to the parlor-maid.
She turned back to the maid.
“Mr. Boyne must be up-stairs. Please tell him that luncheon is ready.”
“Mr. Boyne must be upstairs. Please let him know that lunch is ready.”
The parlor-maid appeared to hesitate between the obvious duty of obeying orders and an equally obvious conviction of the foolishness of the injunction laid upon her. The struggle resulted in her saying doubtfully, “If you please, Madam, Mr. Boyne’s not up-stairs.”
The maid seemed to waver between the clear obligation to follow orders and a strong belief that the instruction she received was silly. After a moment of struggle, she said hesitantly, “If you don’t mind me saying, Madam, Mr. Boyne isn’t upstairs.”
“Not in his room? Are you sure?”
“Not in his room? Are you positive?”
“I’m sure, Madam.”
“I’m sure, ma'am.”
Mary consulted the clock. “Where is he, then?”
Mary checked the clock. “Where is he, then?”
“He’s gone out,” Trimmle announced, with the superior air of one who has respectfully waited for the question that a well-ordered mind would have first propounded.
“He’s gone out,” Trimmle announced, with the superior attitude of someone who has patiently waited for the question that a rational mind would have asked first.
Mary’s previous conjecture had been right, then. Boyne must have gone to the gardens to meet her, and since she had missed him, it was clear that he had taken the shorter way by the south door, instead of going round to the court. She crossed the hall to the glass portal opening directly on the yew garden, but the parlor-maid, after another moment of inner conflict, decided to bring out recklessly, “Please, Madam, Mr. Boyne didn’t go that way.”
Mary’s earlier guess had been correct, then. Boyne must have gone to the gardens to meet her, and since she had missed him, it was obvious that he had taken the shorter route through the south door instead of going around to the courtyard. She walked across the hall to the glass door that led straight to the yew garden, but the parlor maid, after a moment of hesitation, boldly said, “Please, Madam, Mr. Boyne didn’t go that way.”
Mary turned back. “Where did he go? And when?”
Mary turned back. “Where did he go? And when?”
“He went out of the front door, up the drive, Madam.” It was a matter of principle with Trimmle never to answer more than one question at a time.
“He went out of the front door, up the drive, Madam.” It was a matter of principle with Trimmle never to answer more than one question at a time.
“Up the drive? At this hour?” Mary went to the door herself, and glanced across the court through the long tunnel of bare limes. But its perspective was as empty as when she had scanned it on entering the house.
“Up the drive? At this time?” Mary went to the door herself and looked across the courtyard through the long row of bare lime trees. But its perspective was just as empty as when she had looked at it upon entering the house.
“Did Mr. Boyne leave no message?” she asked.
“Did Mr. Boyne leave any message?” she asked.
Trimmle seemed to surrender herself to a last struggle with the forces of chaos.
Trimmle appeared to give in to one final clash with the forces of chaos.
“No, Madam. He just went out with the gentleman.”
“No, ma'am. He just stepped out with the guy.”
“The gentleman? What gentleman?” Mary wheeled about, as if to front this new factor.
“The gentleman? What gentleman?” Mary turned around, as if to face this new element.
“The gentleman who called, Madam,” said Trimmle, resignedly.
“The guy who called, ma'am,” Trimmle said, with a sense of acceptance.
“When did a gentleman call? Do explain yourself, Trimmle!”
“When did a gentleman visit? Please explain yourself, Trimmle!”
Only the fact that Mary was very hungry, and that she wanted to consult her husband about the greenhouses, would have caused her to lay so unusual an injunction on her attendant; and even now she was detached enough to note in Trimmle’s eye the dawning defiance of the respectful subordinate who has been pressed too hard.
Only the fact that Mary was really hungry and needed to talk to her husband about the greenhouses would have made her give such an unusual order to her assistant; and even now, she was aware enough to notice in Trimmle’s eye the beginning of defiance from the respectful subordinate who has been pushed too far.
“I couldn’t exactly say the hour, Madam, because I didn’t let the gentleman in,” she replied, with the air of magnanimously ignoring the irregularity of her mistress’s course.
“I can’t say for sure what time it is, Madam, because I didn’t let the gentleman in,” she replied, acting as though she was generously overlooking her mistress’s unusual behavior.
“You didn’t let him in?”
"You didn’t let him in?"
“No, Madam. When the bell rang I was dressing, and Agnes—”
“No, ma'am. When the bell rang, I was getting dressed, and Agnes—”
“Go and ask Agnes, then,” Mary interjected. Trimmle still wore her look of patient magnanimity. “Agnes would not know, Madam, for she had unfortunately burnt her hand in trying the wick of the new lamp from town—” Trimmle, as Mary was aware, had always been opposed to the new lamp—“and so Mrs. Dockett sent the kitchen-maid instead.”
“Go and ask Agnes, then,” Mary chimed in. Trimmle still had her expression of calm generosity. “Agnes wouldn’t know, Ma'am, because she unfortunately burned her hand testing the wick on the new lamp from town—” Trimmle, as Mary knew, had always been against the new lamp—“so Mrs. Dockett sent the kitchen maid instead.”
Mary looked again at the clock. “It’s after two! Go and ask the kitchen-maid if Mr. Boyne left any word.”
Mary looked at the clock again. “It’s after two! Go ask the kitchen maid if Mr. Boyne left any message.”
She went into luncheon without waiting, and Trimmle presently brought her there the kitchen-maid’s statement that the gentleman had called about one o’clock, that Mr. Boyne had gone out with him without leaving any message. The kitchen-maid did not even know the caller’s name, for he had written it on a slip of paper, which he had folded and handed to her, with the injunction to deliver it at once to Mr. Boyne.
She went to lunch without waiting, and Trimmle soon brought her the kitchen maid’s note saying that the gentleman had come by around one o'clock, and that Mr. Boyne had left with him without leaving any message. The kitchen maid didn't even know the caller’s name, as he had written it on a slip of paper, which he folded and handed to her, telling her to deliver it to Mr. Boyne right away.
Mary finished her luncheon, still wondering, and when it was over, and Trimmle had brought the coffee to the drawing-room, her wonder had deepened to a first faint tinge of disquietude. It was unlike Boyne to absent himself without explanation at so unwonted an hour, and the difficulty of identifying the visitor whose summons he had apparently obeyed made his disappearance the more unaccountable. Mary Boyne’s experience as the wife of a busy engineer, subject to sudden calls and compelled to keep irregular hours, had trained her to the philosophic acceptance of surprises; but since Boyne’s withdrawal from business he had adopted a Benedictine regularity of life. As if to make up for the dispersed and agitated years, with their “stand-up” lunches and dinners rattled down to the joltings of the dining-car, he cultivated the last refinements of punctuality and monotony, discouraging his wife’s fancy for the unexpected; and declaring that to a delicate taste there were infinite gradations of pleasure in the fixed recurrences of habit.
Mary finished her lunch, still wondering, and when it was over, and Trimmle had brought the coffee to the living room, her wonder had deepened into a slight feeling of unease. It was unusual for Boyne to be away without explanation at such an odd hour, and the challenge of figuring out who the visitor was that he had apparently gone to see made his absence even more puzzling. Mary Boyne's experience as the wife of a busy engineer, who often had sudden calls and kept irregular hours, had taught her to accept surprises philosophically; but since Boyne had stepped back from his business, he had adopted a routine that was almost monastic. To make up for the hectic and unpredictable years, with their rush-through lunches and dinners shaken up by the bumps of dining cars, he embraced extreme punctuality and consistency, discouraging his wife's liking for the unexpected, and insisting that for a refined taste, there are countless shades of pleasure in the fixed rhythms of routine.
Still, since no life can completely defend itself from the unforeseen, it was evident that all Boyne’s precautions would sooner or later prove unavailable, and Mary concluded that he had cut short a tiresome visit by walking with his caller to the station, or at least accompanying him for part of the way.
Still, since no one can fully protect themselves from the unexpected, it was clear that all of Boyne's precautions would eventually fail, and Mary figured that he had ended a tedious visit by walking his guest to the station, or at least part of the way with him.
This conclusion relieved her from farther preoccupation, and she went out herself to take up her conference with the gardener. Thence she walked to the village post-office, a mile or so away; and when she turned toward home, the early twilight was setting in.
This conclusion freed her from further worries, and she went to have a chat with the gardener. From there, she walked to the village post office, about a mile away; and when she headed back home, the early twilight was starting to set in.
She had taken a foot-path across the downs, and as Boyne, meanwhile, had probably returned from the station by the highroad, there was little likelihood of their meeting on the way. She felt sure, however, of his having reached the house before her; so sure that, when she entered it herself, without even pausing to inquire of Trimmle, she made directly for the library. But the library was still empty, and with an unwonted precision of visual memory she immediately observed that the papers on her husband’s desk lay precisely as they had lain when she had gone in to call him to luncheon.
She had taken a path across the hills, and since Boyne had probably come back from the station via the main road, the chances of them crossing paths were slim. Still, she was confident that he had arrived at the house before her; so sure that when she walked in, without even stopping to ask Trimmle, she headed straight for the library. But the library was still empty, and with an unusual clarity of memory, she immediately noticed that the papers on her husband’s desk were exactly as they had been when she had gone in to invite him to lunch.
Then of a sudden she was seized by a vague dread of the unknown. She had closed the door behind her on entering, and as she stood alone in the long, silent, shadowy room, her dread seemed to take shape and sound, to be there audibly breathing and lurking among the shadows. Her short-sighted eyes strained through them, half-discerning an actual presence, something aloof, that watched and knew; and in the recoil from that intangible propinquity she threw herself suddenly on the bell-rope and gave it a desperate pull.
Then, all of a sudden, she was overcome by a vague fear of the unknown. She had closed the door behind her when she entered, and as she stood alone in the long, quiet, shadowy room, her fear seemed to take on form and sound, almost like it was breathing and lurking in the shadows. Her poor eyesight strained to see through them, half-recognizing an actual presence, something distant that was watching and aware; and in her instinctive reaction to that intangible closeness, she suddenly grabbed the bell-rope and pulled it desperately.
The long, quavering summons brought Trimmle in precipitately with a lamp, and Mary breathed again at this sobering reappearance of the usual.
The long, shaky call brought Trimmle in quickly with a lamp, and Mary let out a sigh of relief at this reassuring return to normalcy.
“You may bring tea if Mr. Boyne is in,” she said, to justify her ring.
“You can bring tea if Mr. Boyne is in,” she said, to justify her call.
“Very well, Madam. But Mr. Boyne is not in,” said Trimmle, putting down the lamp.
“Sure thing, Ma'am. But Mr. Boyne isn't here,” said Trimmle, setting down the lamp.
“Not in? You mean he’s come back and gone out again?”
“Not in? You mean he came back and left again?”
“No, Madam. He’s never been back.”
“No, ma'am. He hasn’t come back.”
The dread stirred again, and Mary knew that now it had her fast.
The fear returned, and Mary realized that it had her firmly in its grip.
“Not since he went out with—the gentleman?”
“Not since he went out with—the guy?”
“Not since he went out with the gentleman.”
“Not since he went out with that guy.”
“But who was the gentleman?” Mary gasped out, with the sharp note of some one trying to be heard through a confusion of meaningless noises.
“But who was the gentleman?” Mary exclaimed, desperately trying to be heard above the chaos of nonsensical sounds.
“That I couldn’t say, Madam.” Trimmle, standing there by the lamp, seemed suddenly to grow less round and rosy, as though eclipsed by the same creeping shade of apprehension.
“I'm not sure, Ma'am.” Trimmle, standing by the lamp, suddenly looked less round and rosy, as if overshadowed by the same creeping feeling of worry.
“But the kitchen-maid knows—wasn’t it the kitchen-maid who let him in?”
“But the kitchen maid knows—wasn’t it the kitchen maid who let him in?”
“She doesn’t know either, Madam, for he wrote his name on a folded paper.”
“She doesn’t know either, ma'am, because he wrote his name on a folded piece of paper.”
Mary, through her agitation, was aware that they were both designating the unknown visitor by a vague pronoun, instead of the conventional formula which, till then, had kept their allusions within the bounds of custom. And at the same moment her mind caught at the suggestion of the folded paper.
Mary, feeling anxious, realized that they were both referring to the unknown visitor with a vague pronoun, instead of the usual phrasing that had kept their references within the norms of society. At the same time, her mind focused on the idea of the folded paper.
“But he must have a name! Where is the paper?”
“But he needs a name! Where's the paper?”
She moved to the desk, and began to turn over the scattered documents that littered it. The first that caught her eye was an unfinished letter in her husband’s hand, with his pen lying across it, as though dropped there at a sudden summons.
She walked over to the desk and started to sort through the scattered papers on it. The first thing that caught her attention was an unfinished letter written in her husband's handwriting, with his pen resting across it as if it had been dropped there in a rush.
“My dear Parvis,”—who was Parvis?—“I have just received your letter announcing Elwell’s death, and while I suppose there is now no farther risk of trouble, it might be safer—”
“My dear Parvis,”—who was Parvis?—“I just got your letter about Elwell’s death, and while I guess there’s no more risk of trouble now, it might be safer—”
She tossed the sheet aside, and continued her search; but no folded paper was discoverable among the letters and pages of manuscript which had been swept together in a promiscuous heap, as if by a hurried or a startled gesture.
She threw the sheet aside and kept searching, but no folded paper could be found among the letters and manuscript pages that had been mixed together in a random pile, as if created by a hurried or shocked movement.
“But the kitchen-maid saw him. Send her here,” she commanded, wondering at her dullness in not thinking sooner of so simple a solution.
“But the kitchen-maid saw him. Send her here,” she ordered, surprised at her own lack of thought in not coming up with such an easy solution earlier.
Trimmle, at the behest, vanished in a flash, as if thankful to be out of the room, and when she reappeared, conducting the agitated underling, Mary had regained her self-possession, and had her questions pat.
Trimmle, at someone's request, disappeared in an instant, as if relieved to leave the room, and when she came back, leading the anxious subordinate, Mary had composed herself and was ready with her questions.
The gentleman was a stranger, yes—that she understood. But what had he said? And, above all, what had he looked like? The first question was easily enough answered, for the disconcerting reason that he had said so little—had merely asked for Mr. Boyne, and, scribbling something on a bit of paper, had requested that it should at once be carried in to him.
The man was a stranger, that much she understood. But what had he said? And, most importantly, what did he look like? The first question was easy to answer, mostly because he had said so little—he had just asked for Mr. Boyne and, while jotting something down on a piece of paper, had asked for it to be taken to him immediately.
“Then you don’t know what he wrote? You’re not sure it was his name?”
“Then you don’t know what he wrote? You’re not sure it was his name?”
The kitchen-maid was not sure, but supposed it was, since he had written it in answer to her inquiry as to whom she should announce.
The kitchen maid wasn't sure, but she thought it was, since he had written it in response to her question about who she should announce.
“And when you carried the paper in to Mr. Boyne, what did he say?”
“And when you took the paper to Mr. Boyne, what did he say?”
The kitchen-maid did not think that Mr. Boyne had said anything, but she could not be sure, for just as she had handed him the paper and he was opening it, she had become aware that the visitor had followed her into the library, and she had slipped out, leaving the two gentlemen together.
The kitchen maid wasn't sure if Mr. Boyne had said anything, but she didn't think he had. Just as she handed him the paper and he was about to open it, she noticed that the visitor had followed her into the library, so she slipped out, leaving the two men alone together.
“But then, if you left them in the library, how do you know that they went out of the house?”
“But then, if you left them in the library, how do you know they left the house?”
This question plunged the witness into momentary inarticulateness, from which she was rescued by Trimmle, who, by means of ingenious circumlocutions, elicited the statement that before she could cross the hall to the back passage she had heard the gentlemen behind her, and had seen them go out of the front door together.
This question momentarily left the witness speechless, but Trimmle helped her out with some clever ways of explaining, leading her to say that before she could cross the hall to the back passage, she had heard the men behind her and had seen them leave through the front door together.
“Then, if you saw the gentleman twice, you must be able to tell me what he looked like.”
“Then, if you saw the man twice, you should be able to describe what he looked like.”
But with this final challenge to her powers of expression it became clear that the limit of the kitchen-maid’s endurance had been reached. The obligation of going to the front door to “show in” a visitor was in itself so subversive of the fundamental order of things that it had thrown her faculties into hopeless disarray, and she could only stammer out, after various panting efforts at evocation, “His hat, mum, was different-like, as you might say—”
But with this last challenge to her ability to express herself, it became obvious that the kitchen maid had reached her breaking point. The responsibility of going to the front door to “show in” a visitor was so disruptive to the natural order of things that it completely bewildered her, and all she could manage to stammer out, after several labored attempts to find the right words, was, “His hat, ma’am, was kind of different, you could say—”
“Different? How different?” Mary flashed out at her, her own mind, in the same instant, leaping back to an image left on it that morning, but temporarily lost under layers of subsequent impressions.
“Different? How different?” Mary shot back at her, her own mind, at the same moment, jumping back to an image that had stuck with her that morning, but was now buried under layers of later impressions.
“His hat had a wide brim, you mean? and his face was pale—a youngish face?” Mary pressed her, with a white-lipped intensity of interrogation. But if the kitchen-maid found any adequate answer to this challenge, it was swept away for her listener down the rushing current of her own convictions. The stranger—the stranger in the garden! Why had Mary not thought of him before? She needed no one now to tell her that it was he who had called for her husband and gone away with him. But who was he, and why had Boyne obeyed his call?
“His hat had a wide brim, right? And his face was pale—kind of young?” Mary pressed her, with a tense urgency. But if the kitchen maid had any solid answer to this challenge, it was lost in the rush of her own thoughts. The stranger—the stranger in the garden! Why hadn’t Mary thought of him before? She didn’t need anyone to tell her that it was him who had called for her husband and left with him. But who was he, and why had Boyne followed his call?
IV
It leaped out at her suddenly, like a grin out of the dark, that they had often called England so little—“such a confoundedly hard place to get lost in.”
It suddenly jumped out at her, like a smile from the shadows, that they had often said England was so small—“such a ridiculously tough place to get lost in.”
A confoundedly hard place to get lost in! That had been her husband’s phrase. And now, with the whole machinery of official investigation sweeping its flash-lights from shore to shore, and across the dividing straits; now, with Boyne’s name blazing from the walls of every town and village, his portrait (how that wrung her!) hawked up and down the country like the image of a hunted criminal; now the little compact, populous island, so policed, surveyed, and administered, revealed itself as a Sphinx-like guardian of abysmal mysteries, staring back into his wife’s anguished eyes as if with the malicious joy of knowing something they would never know!
A ridiculously hard place to get lost in! That had been her husband’s phrase. And now, with the entire machinery of the official investigation sweeping its flashlights from shore to shore, and across the dividing straits; now, with Boyne’s name splashed across the walls of every town and village, his portrait (how that tore her apart!) being sold all over the country like the image of a hunted criminal; now the small, densely populated island, so policed, surveyed, and managed, revealed itself as a Sphinx-like guardian of deep mysteries, staring back into his wife’s anguished eyes as if with the cruel pleasure of knowing something they would never learn!
In the fortnight since Boyne’s disappearance there had been no word of him, no trace of his movements. Even the usual misleading reports that raise expectancy in tortured bosoms had been few and fleeting. No one but the bewildered kitchen-maid had seen him leave the house, and no one else had seen “the gentleman” who accompanied him. All inquiries in the neighborhood failed to elicit the memory of a stranger’s presence that day in the neighborhood of Lyng. And no one had met Edward Boyne, either alone or in company, in any of the neighboring villages, or on the road across the downs, or at either of the local railway-stations. The sunny English noon had swallowed him as completely as if he had gone out into Cimmerian night.
In the two weeks since Boyne disappeared, there had been no news of him, no sign of where he might have gone. Even the usual confusing reports that stir hope in desperate hearts had been rare and short-lived. Only the confused kitchen maid had seen him leave the house, and no one else had seen “the gentleman” who was with him. All inquiries in the area failed to jog anyone's memory about a stranger being present that day around Lyng. And no one had encountered Edward Boyne, whether by himself or with someone else, in any of the nearby villages, on the road over the hills, or at either of the local train stations. The bright English noon had swallowed him up completely, as if he had stepped into total darkness.
Mary, while every external means of investigation was working at its highest pressure, had ransacked her husband’s papers for any trace of antecedent complications, of entanglements or obligations unknown to her, that might throw a faint ray into the darkness. But if any such had existed in the background of Boyne’s life, they had disappeared as completely as the slip of paper on which the visitor had written his name. There remained no possible thread of guidance except—if it were indeed an exception—the letter which Boyne had apparently been in the act of writing when he received his mysterious summons. That letter, read and reread by his wife, and submitted by her to the police, yielded little enough for conjecture to feed on.
Mary, while every external investigation was in full swing, had gone through her husband’s papers looking for any trace of past complications, entanglements, or obligations she wasn’t aware of, hoping for a hint to lighten the darkness. But if any such issues had been part of Boyne’s life, they had vanished completely, just like the slip of paper where the visitor had written his name. The only potential clue left was—if it could even be called a clue—the letter Boyne seemed to be writing when he received his mysterious summons. That letter, which his wife read and reread and showed to the police, offered very little for speculation.
“I have just heard of Elwell’s death, and while I suppose there is now no farther risk of trouble, it might be safer—” That was all. The “risk of trouble” was easily explained by the newspaper clipping which had apprised Mary of the suit brought against her husband by one of his associates in the Blue Star enterprise. The only new information conveyed in the letter was the fact of its showing Boyne, when he wrote it, to be still apprehensive of the results of the suit, though he had assured his wife that it had been withdrawn, and though the letter itself declared that the plaintiff was dead. It took several weeks of exhaustive cabling to fix the identity of the “Parvis” to whom the fragmentary communication was addressed, but even after these inquiries had shown him to be a Waukesha lawyer, no new facts concerning the Elwell suit were elicited. He appeared to have had no direct concern in it, but to have been conversant with the facts merely as an acquaintance, and possible intermediary; and he declared himself unable to divine with what object Boyne intended to seek his assistance.
“I just heard about Elwell’s death, and while I think there’s no longer any risk of trouble, it might be safer—” That was all. The “risk of trouble” was easily explained by the newspaper clipping that had informed Mary about the lawsuit against her husband by one of his associates in the Blue Star project. The only new thing in the letter was that it showed Boyne, when he wrote it, was still worried about the outcome of the lawsuit, even though he had told his wife that it had been dropped, and even though the letter itself stated that the plaintiff was dead. It took several weeks of extensive cabling to identify the “Parvis” to whom the brief message was addressed, but even after these inquiries revealed him to be a lawyer from Waukesha, no new information about the Elwell lawsuit came to light. He seemed to have had no direct involvement in it, but was familiar with the details merely as an acquaintance and potential intermediary; and he said he couldn't understand why Boyne wanted his help.
This negative information, sole fruit of the first fortnight’s feverish search, was not increased by a jot during the slow weeks that followed. Mary knew that the investigations were still being carried on, but she had a vague sense of their gradually slackening, as the actual march of time seemed to slacken. It was as though the days, flying horror-struck from the shrouded image of the one inscrutable day, gained assurance as the distance lengthened, till at last they fell back into their normal gait. And so with the human imaginations at work on the dark event. No doubt it occupied them still, but week by week and hour by hour it grew less absorbing, took up less space, was slowly but inevitably crowded out of the foreground of consciousness by the new problems perpetually bubbling up from the vaporous caldron of human experience.
This negative information, the only result of the first two weeks of frantic searching, didn’t change at all during the slow weeks that followed. Mary knew that the investigations were still ongoing, but she had a vague feeling that they were gradually slowing down, just as time itself seemed to drag. It was like the days, scared and fleeing from the shadowy figure of that one mysterious day, gained confidence as they moved further away, until they finally returned to their usual rhythm. The same went for people’s imaginations working on the dark event. No doubt it still occupied their thoughts, but week by week, hour by hour, it became less consuming, took up less mental space, and was slowly but surely pushed out of the forefront of their minds by the new problems constantly emerging from the chaotic mix of human experience.
Even Mary Boyne’s consciousness gradually felt the same lowering of velocity. It still swayed with the incessant oscillations of conjecture; but they were slower, more rhythmical in their beat. There were moments of overwhelming lassitude when, like the victim of some poison which leaves the brain clear, but holds the body motionless, she saw herself domesticated with the Horror, accepting its perpetual presence as one of the fixed conditions of life.
Even Mary Boyne’s awareness slowly experienced the same decrease in speed. It still rocked with the constant back-and-forth of speculation; but it was slower, more rhythmic in its pulse. There were moments of intense fatigue when, like someone poisoned who has a clear mind but a paralyzed body, she pictured herself living alongside the Horror, accepting its unending presence as one of the unchanging facts of life.
These moments lengthened into hours and days, till she passed into a phase of stolid acquiescence. She watched the familiar routine of life with the incurious eye of a savage on whom the meaningless processes of civilization make but the faintest impression. She had come to regard herself as part of the routine, a spoke of the wheel, revolving with its motion; she felt almost like the furniture of the room in which she sat, an insensate object to be dusted and pushed about with the chairs and tables. And this deepening apathy held her fast at Lyng, in spite of the urgent entreaties of friends and the usual medical recommendation of “change.” Her friends supposed that her refusal to move was inspired by the belief that her husband would one day return to the spot from which he had vanished, and a beautiful legend grew up about this imaginary state of waiting. But in reality she had no such belief: the depths of anguish inclosing her were no longer lighted by flashes of hope. She was sure that Boyne would never come back, that he had gone out of her sight as completely as if Death itself had waited that day on the threshold. She had even renounced, one by one, the various theories as to his disappearance which had been advanced by the press, the police, and her own agonized imagination. In sheer lassitude her mind turned from these alternatives of horror, and sank back into the blank fact that he was gone.
These moments turned into hours and days until she slipped into a state of numb acceptance. She observed the familiar routine of life with the detached gaze of someone who barely registers the meaningless activities of civilization. She had come to see herself as part of the routine, like a spoke in a wheel, spinning with its motion; she felt almost like the furniture in the room where she sat, an unfeeling object to be dusted and moved around with the chairs and tables. This growing apathy kept her anchored at Lyng, despite her friends' urgent pleas and the usual medical advice of needing a “change.” Her friends thought her refusal to leave was driven by the belief that her husband would someday return to the place from which he had disappeared, and a beautiful story formed around this idea of waiting. But the truth was that she held no such belief: the depths of her anguish were no longer lit by any sparks of hope. She was certain that Boyne would never come back, that he had vanished completely as if Death itself had been waiting at the door that day. She had even given up, one by one, on the various theories about his disappearance put forth by the press, the police, and her own tortured imagination. In sheer exhaustion, her mind turned away from these horrifying possibilities and sank back into the simple reality that he was gone.
No, she would never know what had become of him—no one would ever know. But the house knew; the library in which she spent her long, lonely evenings knew. For it was here that the last scene had been enacted, here that the stranger had come, and spoken the word which had caused Boyne to rise and follow him. The floor she trod had felt his tread; the books on the shelves had seen his face; and there were moments when the intense consciousness of the old, dusky walls seemed about to break out into some audible revelation of their secret. But the revelation never came, and she knew it would never come. Lyng was not one of the garrulous old houses that betray the secrets intrusted to them. Its very legend proved that it had always been the mute accomplice, the incorruptible custodian of the mysteries it had surprised. And Mary Boyne, sitting face to face with its portentous silence, felt the futility of seeking to break it by any human means.
No, she would never know what happened to him—no one ever would. But the house knew; the library where she spent her long, lonely evenings knew. It was here that the last scene had taken place, here that the stranger had come and said the word that made Boyne get up and follow him. The floor she walked on had felt his steps; the books on the shelves had seen his face; and there were moments when the intense awareness of the old, dark walls seemed ready to burst into some audible revelation of their secret. But the revelation never came, and she knew it never would. Lyng wasn’t one of those chatty old houses that spill the secrets entrusted to them. Its very legend showed that it had always been the silent accomplice, the trustworthy guardian of the mysteries it had witnessed. And Mary Boyne, sitting in front of its heavy silence, felt the pointlessness of trying to break it with any human means.
V
“I don’t say it wasn’t straight, yet don’t say it was straight. It was business.”
“I’m not saying it wasn’t straightforward, but I’m also not saying it was straightforward. It was just business.”
Mary, at the words, lifted her head with a start, and looked intently at the speaker.
Mary, at the words, lifted her head suddenly and looked closely at the speaker.
When, half an hour before, a card with “Mr. Parvis” on it had been brought up to her, she had been immediately aware that the name had been a part of her consciousness ever since she had read it at the head of Boyne’s unfinished letter. In the library she had found awaiting her a small neutral-tinted man with a bald head and gold eye-glasses, and it sent a strange tremor through her to know that this was the person to whom her husband’s last known thought had been directed.
When, half an hour earlier, a card that said “Mr. Parvis” was delivered to her, she instantly recognized that the name had been in her mind ever since she first saw it at the top of Boyne’s unfinished letter. In the library, she found a small, neutral-looking man with a bald head and gold eyeglasses waiting for her, and it sent a strange shiver through her to realize that this was the person to whom her husband’s last known thought had been directed.
Parvis, civilly, but without vain preamble,—in the manner of a man who has his watch in his hand,—had set forth the object of his visit. He had “run over” to England on business, and finding himself in the neighborhood of Dorchester, had not wished to leave it without paying his respects to Mrs. Boyne; without asking her, if the occasion offered, what she meant to do about Bob Elwell’s family.
Parvis, politely but without unnecessary fluff—like a man checking his watch—got straight to the point of his visit. He had “dropped by” England for work and, now that he was near Dorchester, didn’t want to leave without saying hello to Mrs. Boyne; he also wanted to ask her, if the chance came up, what she planned to do about Bob Elwell’s family.
The words touched the spring of some obscure dread in Mary’s bosom. Did her visitor, after all, know what Boyne had meant by his unfinished phrase? She asked for an elucidation of his question, and noticed at once that he seemed surprised at her continued ignorance of the subject. Was it possible that she really knew as little as she said?
The words stirred a vague fear in Mary's heart. Did her visitor actually understand what Boyne had meant by his unfinished statement? She asked him to explain his question, and immediately noticed that he seemed surprised by her ongoing lack of understanding about the topic. Was it possible that she really knew as little as she claimed?
“I know nothing—you must tell me,” she faltered out; and her visitor thereupon proceeded to unfold his story. It threw, even to her confused perceptions, and imperfectly initiated vision, a lurid glare on the whole hazy episode of the Blue Star Mine. Her husband had made his money in that brilliant speculation at the cost of “getting ahead” of some one less alert to seize the chance; the victim of his ingenuity was young Robert Elwell, who had “put him on” to the Blue Star scheme.
“I don’t know anything—you have to tell me,” she said hesitantly; and her visitor then began to share his story. It cast, even on her muddled understanding and limited perspective, a harsh light on the whole unclear situation of the Blue Star Mine. Her husband had made his fortune through that lucrative investment by outsmarting someone who wasn’t quick enough to take the opportunity; the person he outmaneuvered was young Robert Elwell, who had originally introduced him to the Blue Star idea.
Parvis, at Mary’s first startled cry, had thrown her a sobering glance through his impartial glasses.
Parvis, at Mary's first startled shout, had given her a serious look through his neutral glasses.
“Bob Elwell wasn’t smart enough, that’s all; if he had been, he might have turned round and served Boyne the same way. It’s the kind of thing that happens every day in business. I guess it’s what the scientists call the survival of the fittest,” said Mr. Parvis, evidently pleased with the aptness of his analogy.
“Bob Elwell just wasn’t smart enough, that’s all; if he had been, he might have turned around and treated Boyne the same way. It’s the kind of thing that happens all the time in business. I guess it’s what scientists refer to as survival of the fittest,” said Mr. Parvis, clearly pleased with how well his analogy fit.
Mary felt a physical shrinking from the next question she tried to frame; it was as though the words on her lips had a taste that nauseated her.
Mary felt a physical shrink when she tried to frame the next question; it was like the words on her lips had a taste that made her feel sick.
“But then—you accuse my husband of doing something dishonorable?”
“But then—you’re accusing my husband of doing something dishonorable?”
Mr. Parvis surveyed the question dispassionately. “Oh, no, I don’t. I don’t even say it wasn’t straight.” He glanced up and down the long lines of books, as if one of them might have supplied him with the definition he sought. “I don’t say it wasn’t straight, and yet I don’t say it was straight. It was business.” After all, no definition in his category could be more comprehensive than that.
Mr. Parvis looked at the question calmly. “Oh, no, I don’t. I don’t even claim it wasn’t straightforward.” He scanned the long rows of books, as if one of them might give him the answer he was looking for. “I don’t say it wasn’t straightforward, and yet I don’t say it was straightforward. It was business.” After all, no definition in his category could be more inclusive than that.
Mary sat staring at him with a look of terror. He seemed to her like the indifferent, implacable emissary of some dark, formless power.
Mary sat staring at him with fear in her eyes. To her, he looked like the cold, relentless messenger of some dark, shapeless force.
“But Mr. Elwell’s lawyers apparently did not take your view, since I suppose the suit was withdrawn by their advice.”
“But Mr. Elwell’s lawyers clearly didn’t share your opinion, since I think they advised him to withdraw the lawsuit.”
“Oh, yes, they knew he hadn’t a leg to stand on, technically. It was when they advised him to withdraw the suit that he got desperate. You see, he’d borrowed most of the money he lost in the Blue Star, and he was up a tree. That’s why he shot himself when they told him he had no show.”
“Oh, yes, they knew he didn’t have a leg to stand on, technically. It was when they told him to drop the lawsuit that he got desperate. You see, he had borrowed most of the money he lost in the Blue Star, and he was in a tough spot. That’s why he shot himself when they said he had no chance.”
The horror was sweeping over Mary in great, deafening waves.
The terror was crashing over Mary in huge, overwhelming waves.
“He shot himself? He killed himself because of that?”
“He shot himself? He took his own life over that?”
“Well, he didn’t kill himself, exactly. He dragged on two months before he died.” Parvis emitted the statement as unemotionally as a gramophone grinding out its “record.”
“Well, he didn’t exactly kill himself. He struggled for two months before he died.” Parvis delivered the line as emotionlessly as a gramophone playing its “record.”
“You mean that he tried to kill himself, and failed? And tried again?”
“You mean he tried to kill himself and didn’t succeed? And then he tried again?”
“Oh, he didn’t have to try again,” said Parvis, grimly.
“Oh, he didn’t need to try again,” said Parvis, grimly.
They sat opposite each other in silence, he swinging his eye-glass thoughtfully about his finger, she, motionless, her arms stretched along her knees in an attitude of rigid tension.
They sat across from each other in silence, he thoughtfully spinning his glasses around his finger, she, motionless, her arms resting along her knees in a tense position.
“But if you knew all this,” she began at length, hardly able to force her voice above a whisper, “how is it that when I wrote you at the time of my husband’s disappearance you said you didn’t understand his letter?”
“But if you knew all this,” she started after a long pause, barely managing to raise her voice above a whisper, “how is it that when I wrote to you about my husband's disappearance, you said you didn't understand his letter?”
Parvis received this without perceptible discomfiture. “Why, I didn’t understand it—strictly speaking. And it wasn’t the time to talk about it, if I had. The Elwell business was settled when the suit was withdrawn. Nothing I could have told you would have helped you to find your husband.”
Parvis accepted this without showing any unease. “Well, I didn’t really get it—technically speaking. And it wasn’t the right time to discuss it, even if I had. The Elwell matter was resolved when the lawsuit was dropped. There wasn’t anything I could have told you that would have helped you find your husband.”
Mary continued to scrutinize him. “Then why are you telling me now?”
Mary kept staring at him. “So why are you telling me this now?”
Still Parvis did not hesitate. “Well, to begin with, I supposed you knew more than you appear to—I mean about the circumstances of Elwell’s death. And then people are talking of it now; the whole matter’s been raked up again. And I thought, if you didn’t know, you ought to.”
Still, Parvis didn't hesitate. “Well, to start with, I thought you knew more than you seem to—I mean about the details of Elwell’s death. And now people are talking about it again; the whole thing’s been brought up once more. So, I figured, if you didn’t know, you should.”
She remained silent, and he continued: “You see, it’s only come out lately what a bad state Elwell’s affairs were in. His wife’s a proud woman, and she fought on as long as she could, going out to work, and taking sewing at home, when she got too sick—something with the heart, I believe. But she had his bedridden mother to look after, and the children, and she broke down under it, and finally had to ask for help. That attracted attention to the case, and the papers took it up, and a subscription was started. Everybody out there liked Bob Elwell, and most of the prominent names in the place are down on the list, and people began to wonder why—”
She stayed quiet, and he went on: “You see, it’s only recently come to light how bad Elwell’s situation really was. His wife is a proud woman, and she kept fighting for as long as she could, working and even taking in sewing when she got too sick—something with her heart, I believe. But she was also taking care of his bedridden mother and the kids, and it all became too much for her, so she finally had to ask for help. That brought attention to their situation, and the newspapers picked it up, starting a fundraising campaign. Everyone out there liked Bob Elwell, and most of the prominent names in the area are on the list, and people began to wonder why—”
Parvis broke off to fumble in an inner pocket. “Here,” he continued, “here’s an account of the whole thing from the ‘Sentinel’—a little sensational, of course. But I guess you’d better look it over.”
Parvis paused to search through an inner pocket. “Here,” he said, “here’s a report of everything from the ‘Sentinel’—a bit exaggerated, of course. But I think you should take a look at it.”
He held out a newspaper to Mary, who unfolded it slowly, remembering, as she did so, the evening when, in that same room, the perusal of a clipping from the “Sentinel” had first shaken the depths of her security.
He handed Mary a newspaper, which she opened slowly, remembering the evening when, in that same room, reading a clipping from the “Sentinel” had first rocked her sense of security.
As she opened the paper, her eyes, shrinking from the glaring head-lines, “Widow of Boyne’s Victim Forced to Appeal for Aid,” ran down the column of text to two portraits inserted in it. The first was her husband’s, taken from a photograph made the year they had come to England. It was the picture of him that she liked best, the one that stood on the writing-table up-stairs in her bedroom. As the eyes in the photograph met hers, she felt it would be impossible to read what was said of him, and closed her lids with the sharpness of the pain.
As she opened the newspaper, her eyes flinched from the glaring headline, “Widow of Boyne’s Victim Forced to Appeal for Aid,” and ran down the column of text to two portraits included in it. The first was her husband’s, taken from a photograph they had made the year they moved to England. It was her favorite picture of him, the one that sat on the writing desk upstairs in her bedroom. As the eyes in the photograph met hers, she felt it would be impossible to read what was written about him and closed her eyes sharply, wincing from the pain.
“I thought if you felt disposed to put your name down—” she heard Parvis continue.
“I thought if you were willing to put your name down—” she heard Parvis continue.
She opened her eyes with an effort, and they fell on the other portrait. It was that of a youngish man, slightly built, in rough clothes, with features somewhat blurred by the shadow of a projecting hat-brim. Where had she seen that outline before? She stared at it confusedly, her heart hammering in her throat and ears. Then she gave a cry.
She opened her eyes with some effort and glanced at the other portrait. It was of a young man, slightly built, in worn clothes, with features kind of obscured by the shadow of a hat. Where had she seen that profile before? She stared at it in confusion, her heart racing in her throat and ears. Then she let out a cry.
“This is the man—the man who came for my husband!”
“This is the guy—the guy who came for my husband!”
She heard Parvis start to his feet, and was dimly aware that she had slipped backward into the corner of the sofa, and that he was bending above her in alarm. With an intense effort she straightened herself, and reached out for the paper, which she had dropped.
She heard Parvis get up, and she vaguely realized that she had slid back into the corner of the sofa, and that he was leaning over her in concern. With a strong effort, she straightened up and reached for the paper she had dropped.
“It’s the man! I should know him anywhere!” she cried in a voice that sounded in her own ears like a scream.
“It’s the man! I’d recognize him anywhere!” she shouted, her voice echoing in her own ears like a scream.
Parvis’s voice seemed to come to her from far off, down endless, fog-muffled windings.
Parvis's voice felt distant to her, echoing from far away through endless, foggy twists and turns.
“Mrs. Boyne, you’re not very well. Shall I call somebody? Shall I get a glass of water?”
“Mrs. Boyne, you’re not feeling well. Should I call someone? Should I get you a glass of water?”
“No, no, no!” She threw herself toward him, her hand frantically clenching the newspaper. “I tell you, it’s the man! I know him! He spoke to me in the garden!”
“No, no, no!” She lunged toward him, her hand desperately gripping the newspaper. “I’m telling you, it’s the guy! I know him! He talked to me in the garden!”
Parvis took the journal from her, directing his glasses to the portrait. “It can’t be, Mrs. Boyne. It’s Robert Elwell.”
Parvis took the journal from her and adjusted his glasses to look at the portrait. “It can't be, Mrs. Boyne. It's Robert Elwell.”
“Robert Elwell?” Her white stare seemed to travel into space. “Then it was Robert Elwell who came for him.”
“Robert Elwell?” Her blank stare seemed to look off into the distance. “So it was Robert Elwell who came for him.”
“Came for Boyne? The day he went away?” Parvis’s voice dropped as hers rose. He bent over, laying a fraternal hand on her, as if to coax her gently back into her seat. “Why, Elwell was dead! Don’t you remember?”
“Came for Boyne? The day he left?” Parvis’s voice got quieter as hers got louder. He leaned in, placing a comforting hand on her, as if trying to gently guide her back into her seat. “Well, Elwell was dead! Don’t you remember?”
Mary sat with her eyes fixed on the picture, unconscious of what he was saying.
Mary sat, her eyes glued to the picture, unaware of what he was saying.
“Don’t you remember Boyne’s unfinished letter to me—the one you found on his desk that day? It was written just after he’d heard of Elwell’s death.” She noticed an odd shake in Parvis’s unemotional voice. “Surely you remember that!” he urged her.
“Don’t you remember Boyne’s unfinished letter to me—the one you found on his desk that day? It was written just after he heard about Elwell’s death.” She noticed an unusual tremor in Parvis’s emotionless voice. “Surely you remember that!” he pressed her.
Yes, she remembered: that was the profoundest horror of it. Elwell had died the day before her husband’s disappearance; and this was Elwell’s portrait; and it was the portrait of the man who had spoken to her in the garden. She lifted her head and looked slowly about the library. The library could have borne witness that it was also the portrait of the man who had come in that day to call Boyne from his unfinished letter. Through the misty surgings of her brain she heard the faint boom of half-forgotten words—words spoken by Alida Stair on the lawn at Pangbourne before Boyne and his wife had ever seen the house at Lyng, or had imagined that they might one day live there.
Yes, she remembered: that was the deepest horror of it. Elwell had died the day before her husband disappeared; and this was Elwell’s portrait; and it was the portrait of the man who had spoken to her in the garden. She lifted her head and looked slowly around the library. The library could testify that it was also the portrait of the man who had come in that day to call Boyne from his unfinished letter. Through the foggy haze in her mind, she heard the faint echo of half-forgotten words—words spoken by Alida Stair on the lawn at Pangbourne before Boyne and his wife had ever seen the house at Lyng or even imagined they might one day live there.
“This was the man who spoke to me,” she repeated.
“This was the guy who talked to me,” she repeated.
She looked again at Parvis. He was trying to conceal his disturbance under what he imagined to be an expression of indulgent commiseration; but the edges of his lips were blue. “He thinks me mad; but I’m not mad,” she reflected; and suddenly there flashed upon her a way of justifying her strange affirmation.
She looked again at Parvis. He was trying to hide his discomfort behind what he thought was a look of sympathetic understanding; but the corners of his lips were blue. “He thinks I'm crazy; but I’m not crazy,” she thought; and suddenly, she had a way to justify her unusual claim.
She sat quiet, controlling the quiver of her lips, and waiting till she could trust her voice to keep its habitual level; then she said, looking straight at Parvis: “Will you answer me one question, please? When was it that Robert Elwell tried to kill himself?”
She sat quietly, managing the tremble of her lips, and waited until she could trust her voice to maintain its usual tone; then she said, looking directly at Parvis: “Can you answer one question for me, please? When did Robert Elwell try to take his own life?”
“When—when?” Parvis stammered.
"When—when?" Parvis stuttered.
“Yes; the date. Please try to remember.”
“Yes, the date. Please do your best to remember.”
She saw that he was growing still more afraid of her. “I have a reason,” she insisted gently.
She noticed he was becoming even more scared of her. “I have a reason,” she urged calmly.
“Yes, yes. Only I can’t remember. About two months before, I should say.”
“Yes, yes. It’s just that I can't remember. I’d say it was about two months ago.”
“I want the date,” she repeated.
“I want the date,” she said again.
Parvis picked up the newspaper. “We might see here,” he said, still humoring her. He ran his eyes down the page. “Here it is. Last October—the—”
Parvis picked up the newspaper. “We might find it here,” he said, still indulging her. He scanned the page. “Here it is. Last October—the—”
She caught the words from him. “The 20th, wasn’t it?” With a sharp look at her, he verified. “Yes, the 20th. Then you did know?”
She picked up on what he said. “The 20th, right?” With a pointed glance at her, he confirmed. “Yeah, the 20th. So you did know?”
“I know now.” Her white stare continued to travel past him. “Sunday, the 20th—that was the day he came first.”
“I know now.” Her pale gaze kept moving beyond him. “Sunday, the 20th—that's when he came for the first time.”
Parvis’s voice was almost inaudible. “Came here first?”
Parvis’s voice was barely heard. “Came here first?”
“Yes.”
"Yep."
“You saw him twice, then?”
"You saw him two times?"
“Yes, twice.” She breathed it at him with dilated eyes. “He came first on the 20th of October. I remember the date because it was the day we went up Meldon Steep for the first time.” She felt a faint gasp of inward laughter at the thought that but for that she might have forgotten.
“Yes, twice.” She said it to him with wide eyes. “He came first on the 20th of October. I remember the date because it was the day we hiked up Meldon Steep for the first time.” She felt a small laugh stir inside her at the thought that if it weren't for that, she might have forgotten.
Parvis continued to scrutinize her, as if trying to intercept her gaze.
Parvis kept studying her, as if attempting to catch her eye.
“We saw him from the roof,” she went on. “He came down the lime-avenue toward the house. He was dressed just as he is in that picture. My husband saw him first. He was frightened, and ran down ahead of me; but there was no one there. He had vanished.”
“We saw him from the roof,” she continued. “He came down the lime avenue toward the house. He was dressed exactly like he is in that picture. My husband saw him first. He was scared and ran down ahead of me; but there was nobody there. He had disappeared.”
“Elwell had vanished?” Parvis faltered.
"Elwell has vanished?" Parvis faltered.
“Yes.” Their two whispers seemed to grope for each other. “I couldn’t think what had happened. I see now. He tried to come then; but he wasn’t dead enough—he couldn’t reach us. He had to wait for two months; and then he came back again—and Ned went with him.”
“Yes.” Their two whispers seemed to search for each other. “I couldn’t understand what had happened. I see it now. He tried to come then; but he wasn’t dead enough—he couldn’t reach us. He had to wait for two months; and then he came back again—and Ned went with him.”
She nodded at Parvis with the look of triumph of a child who has successfully worked out a difficult puzzle. But suddenly she lifted her hands with a desperate gesture, pressing them to her bursting temples.
She nodded at Parvis with the triumphant look of a child who has just solved a tough puzzle. But then she suddenly raised her hands in a desperate gesture, pressing them to her pounding temples.
“Oh, my God! I sent him to Ned—I told him where to go! I sent him to this room!” she screamed out.
“Oh my God! I sent him to Ned—I told him where to go! I sent him to this room!” she screamed.
She felt the walls of the room rush toward her, like inward falling ruins; and she heard Parvis, a long way off, as if through the ruins, crying to her, and struggling to get at her. But she was numb to his touch, she did not know what he was saying. Through the tumult she heard but one clear note, the voice of Alida Stair, speaking on the lawn at Pangbourne.
She felt the walls of the room closing in on her, like collapsing ruins; and she heard Parvis, far away, as if coming through the debris, calling out to her and trying to reach her. But she felt numb to his touch and didn’t understand what he was saying. Amid the chaos, she could only hear one clear voice—Alida Stair, speaking on the lawn at Pangbourne.
“You won’t know till afterward,” it said. “You won’t know till long, long afterward.”
“You won’t know until later,” it said. “You won’t know until much later.”
THE LETTERS
I
UP the long hill from the station at St.-Cloud, Lizzie West climbed in the cold spring sunshine. As she breasted the incline, she noticed the first waves of wistaria over courtyard railings and the high lights of new foliage against the walls of ivy-matted gardens; and she thought again, as she had thought a hundred times before, that she had never seen so beautiful a spring.
Up the long hill from the station at St.-Cloud, Lizzie West climbed in the cool spring sunshine. As she reached the top of the incline, she noticed the first waves of wisteria over courtyard railings and the bright new leaves against the walls of ivy-covered gardens; and she thought again, as she had thought a hundred times before, that she had never seen such a beautiful spring.
She was on her way to the Deerings’ house, in a street near the hilltop; and every step was dear and familiar to her. She went there five times a week to teach little Juliet Deering, the daughter of Mr. Vincent Deering, the distinguished American artist. Juliet had been her pupil for two years, and day after day, during that time, Lizzie West had mounted the hill in all weathers; sometimes with her umbrella bent against a driving rain, sometimes with her frail cotton parasol unfurled beneath a fiery sun, sometimes with the snow soaking through her patched boots or a bitter wind piercing her thin jacket, sometimes with the dust whirling about her and bleaching the flowers of the poor little hat that had to “carry her through” till next summer.
She was on her way to the Deerings' house, on a street near the hilltop; and every step felt cherished and familiar to her. She visited there five times a week to teach little Juliet Deering, the daughter of Mr. Vincent Deering, the renowned American artist. Juliet had been her student for two years, and day after day during that time, Lizzie West had made the trek up the hill in all kinds of weather; sometimes with her umbrella bent against a heavy rain, sometimes with her delicate cotton parasol opened wide under a blazing sun, sometimes with the snow soaking through her worn-out boots or a biting wind cutting through her thin jacket, sometimes with dust swirling around her and fading the flowers on her poor little hat that had to “carry her through” until next summer.
At first the ascent had seemed tedious enough, as dull as the trudge to her other lessons. Lizzie was not a heaven-sent teacher; she had no born zeal for her calling, and though she dealt kindly and dutifully with her pupils, she did not fly to them on winged feet. But one day something had happened to change the face of life, and since then the climb to the Deering house had seemed like a dream-flight up a heavenly stairway.
At first, the climb felt pretty boring, just like the walk to her other classes. Lizzie wasn't an extraordinary teacher; she didn't have an innate passion for her job, and while she was kind and responsible with her students, she didn't rush to them eagerly. But one day, something changed everything, and ever since then, the journey to the Deering house felt like a dreamlike ascent up a beautiful staircase.
Her heart beat faster as she remembered it—no longer in a tumult of fright and self-reproach, but softly, peacefully, as if brooding over a possession that none could take from her.
Her heart raced as she recalled it—no longer in a swirl of fear and guilt, but gently, calmly, as if reflecting on a treasure that no one could take from her.
It was on a day of the previous October that she had stopped, after Juliet’s lesson, to ask if she might speak to Juliet’s papa. One had always to apply to Mr. Deering if there was anything to be said about the lessons. Mrs. Deering lay on her lounge up-stairs, reading greasy relays of dog-eared novels, the choice of which she left to the cook and the nurse, who were always fetching them for her from the cabinet de lecture; and it was understood in the house that she was not to be “bothered” about Juliet. Mr. Deering’s interest in his daughter was fitful rather than consecutive; but at least he was approachable, and listened sympathetically, if a little absently, stroking his long, fair mustache, while Lizzie stated her difficulty or put in her plea for maps or copy-books.
It was on a day in the previous October that she had stopped, after Juliet’s lesson, to ask if she could speak to Juliet’s dad. You always had to talk to Mr. Deering if you needed to discuss the lessons. Mrs. Deering was upstairs on her lounge, reading worn-out, dog-eared novels, the selection of which she left to the cook and the nurse, who were always bringing them to her from the cabinet de lecture; and it was understood in the house that she shouldn’t be “bothered” about Juliet. Mr. Deering’s interest in his daughter was more random than consistent; but at least he was approachable and listened sympathetically, if a bit distracted, stroking his long, light mustache, while Lizzie explained her issue or requested maps or notebooks.
“Yes, yes—of course—whatever you think right,” he would always assent, sometimes drawing a five-franc piece from his pocket, and laying it carelessly on the table, or oftener saying, with his charming smile: “Get what you please, and just put it on your account, you know.”
“Yes, yes—of course—whatever you think is best,” he would always agree, sometimes pulling a five-franc coin from his pocket and casually placing it on the table, or more often saying, with his charming smile: “Get whatever you want, and just put it on your tab, you know.”
But this time Lizzie had not come to ask for maps or copy-books, or even to hint, in crimson misery,—as once, poor soul! she had had to do,—that Mr. Deering had overlooked her last little account had probably not noticed that she had left it, some two months earlier, on a corner of his littered writing-table. That hour had been bad enough, though he had done his best to make it easy to carry it off gallantly and gaily; but this was infinitely worse. For she had come to complain of her pupil; to say that, much as she loved little Juliet, it was useless, unless Mr. Deering could “do something,” to go on with the lessons.
But this time, Lizzie hadn’t come to ask for maps or notebooks, or even to hint in her deep embarrassment—like she had to do before—that Mr. Deering had overlooked her last small invoice and probably didn’t even realize she had left it a couple of months ago on a messy corner of his writing desk. That moment had been bad enough, even though he tried his best to make it easier for her to handle it with grace and cheer; but this was even worse. She had come to complain about her student; to say that, no matter how much she adored little Juliet, it was pointless to continue with the lessons unless Mr. Deering could “do something.”
“It wouldn’t be honest—I should be robbing you; I’m not sure that I haven’t already,” she half laughed, through mounting tears, as she put her case. Little Juliet would not work, would not obey. Her poor, little, drifting existence floated aimlessly between the kitchen and the lingerie, and all the groping tendrils of her curiosity were fastened about the doings of the backstairs.
“It wouldn't be honest—I’d be taking advantage of you; I’m not sure I haven’t already,” she said with a half-laugh, through rising tears, as she made her case. Little Juliet wouldn’t work, wouldn’t listen. Her poor, little, drifting life floated aimlessly between the kitchen and the lingerie, and all the curious tendrils of her thoughts were wrapped around the happenings in the backstairs.
It was the same kind of curiosity that Mrs. Deering, overhead in her drug-scented room, lavished on her dog-eared novels and on the “society notes” of the morning paper; but since Juliet’s horizon was not yet wide enough to embrace these loftier objects, her interest was centered in the anecdotes that Celeste and Suzanne brought back from the market and the library. That these were not always of an edifying nature the child’s artless prattle too often betrayed; but unhappily they occupied her fancy to the complete exclusion of such nourishing items as dates and dynasties, and the sources of the principal European rivers.
It was the same kind of curiosity that Mrs. Deering, overheard in her drug-scented room, showered on her well-worn novels and the “society notes” from the morning paper; but since Juliet's view of the world wasn’t broad enough to include these higher pursuits, her focus was on the stories that Celeste and Suzanne brought back from the market and the library. That these stories weren’t always suitable was evident from the child's innocent chatter too often revealing; but unfortunately, they captured her imagination completely, leaving no room for more significant topics like dates and dynasties or the origins of major European rivers.
At length the crisis became so acute that poor Lizzie felt herself bound to resign her charge or ask Mr. Deering’s intervention; and for Juliet’s sake she chose the harder alternative. It was hard to speak to him not only because one hated still more to ascribe it to such vulgar causes, but because one blushed to bring them to the notice of a spirit engaged with higher things. Mr. Deering was very busy at that moment: he had a new picture “on.” And Lizzie entered the studio with the flutter of one profanely intruding on some sacred rite; she almost heard the rustle of retreating wings as she approached.
Eventually, the situation got so intense that poor Lizzie felt she had to either step down from her role or ask Mr. Deering for help; for Juliet’s sake, she chose the harder option. It was tough to talk to him, not just because she hated to attribute it to such trivial reasons, but also because she felt embarrassed to bring them up in front of someone who focused on higher matters. Mr. Deering was really busy at that moment – he had a new painting he was working on. As Lizzie entered the studio, it felt like she was intruding on a sacred ceremony; she almost sensed the flutter of wings retreating as she got closer.
And then—and then—how differently it had all turned out! Perhaps it wouldn’t have, if she hadn’t been such a goose—she who so seldom cried, so prided herself on a stoic control of her little twittering cageful of “feelings.” But if she had cried, it was because he had looked at her so kindly, so softly, and because she had nevertheless felt him so pained and shamed by what she said. The pain, of course, lay for both in the implication behind her words—in the one word they left unspoken. If little Juliet was as she was, it was because of the mother up-stairs—the mother who had given her child her futile impulses, and grudged her the care that might have guided them. The wretched case so obviously revolved in its own vicious circle that when Mr. Deering had murmured, “Of course if my wife were not an invalid,” they both turned with a simultaneous spring to the flagrant “bad example” of Celeste and Suzanne, fastening on that with a mutual insistence that ended in his crying out, “All the more, then, how can you leave her to them?”
And then—and then—how differently it had all turned out! Maybe it wouldn’t have, if she hadn't been such a fool—she who so rarely cried, who took pride in her stoic control over her little cage of “feelings.” But if she did cry, it was because he had looked at her so kindly, so softly, and because she felt him so pained and ashamed by what she said. The pain, of course, stemmed for both from the implication behind her words—in the one word they left unspoken. If little Juliet was as she was, it was because of the mother upstairs—the mother who had given her child her pointless impulses and deprived her of the guidance that could have shaped them. The miserable situation so clearly revolved in its own vicious circle that when Mr. Deering had murmured, “Of course if my wife weren’t an invalid,” they both turned with a sudden movement to the obvious “bad example” of Celeste and Suzanne, clinging to that with a mutual insistence that ended with him crying out, “All the more reason, then, how can you leave her to them?”
“But if I do her no good?” Lizzie wailed; and it was then that,—when he took her hand and assured her gently, “But you do, you do!”—it was then that, in the traditional phrase, she “broke down,” and her conventional protest quivered off into tears.
“But what if I’m not helping her?” Lizzie cried; and at that moment, when he took her hand and gently reassured her, “But you are, you really are!”—that’s when she “broke down,” and her usual protest faded into tears.
“You do me good, at any rate—you make the house seem less like a desert,” she heard him say; and the next moment she felt herself drawn to him, and they kissed each other through her weeping.
“You do me good, at least—you make the house feel less like a desert,” she heard him say; and in the next moment, she felt herself drawn to him, and they kissed each other through her tears.
They kissed each other—there was the new fact. One does not, if one is a poor little teacher living in Mme. Clopin’s Pension Suisse at Passy, and if one has pretty brown hair and eyes that reach out trustfully to other eyes—one does not, under these common but defenseless conditions, arrive at the age of twenty-five without being now and then kissed,—waylaid once by a noisy student between two doors, surprised once by one’s gray-bearded professor as one bent over the “theme” he was correcting,—but these episodes, if they tarnish the surface, do not reach the heart: it is not the kiss endured, but the kiss returned, that lives. And Lizzie West’s first kiss was for Vincent Deering.
They kissed each other—that was the new thing. If you’re a poor little teacher living in Mme. Clopin’s Pension Suisse in Passy, and you have pretty brown hair and eyes that hopefully connect with others—under these ordinary yet vulnerable circumstances, you don’t get to twenty-five without being kissed every now and then. Maybe you get caught off guard by a loud student between two doors or surprised by your gray-bearded professor while you’re focused on the “essay” he’s grading. But these moments, while they may leave a mark, don’t touch the heart: it’s not the kiss you endure, but the kiss you share that matters. And Lizzie West’s first kiss was with Vincent Deering.
As she drew back from it, something new awoke in her—something deeper than the fright and the shame, and the penitent thought of Mrs. Deering. A sleeping germ of life thrilled and unfolded, and started out blindly to seek the sun.
As she pulled away from it, something new stirred within her—something deeper than the fear and the shame, and the regretful thoughts of Mrs. Deering. A dormant spark of life awakened and began to reach out blindly to find the light.
She might have felt differently, perhaps,—the shame and penitence might have prevailed,—had she not known him so kind and tender, and guessed him so baffled, poor, and disappointed. She knew the failure of his married life, and she divined a corresponding failure in his artistic career. Lizzie, who had made her own faltering snatch at the same laurels, brought her thwarted proficiency to bear on the question of his pictures, which she judged to be extremely brilliant, but suspected of having somehow failed to affirm their merit publicly. She understood that he had tasted an earlier moment of success: a mention, a medal, something official and tangible; then the tide of publicity had somehow set the other way, and left him stranded in a noble isolation. It was extraordinary and unbelievable that any one so naturally eminent and exceptional should have been subject to the same vulgar necessities that governed her own life, should have known poverty and obscurity and indifference. But she gathered that this had been the case, and felt that it formed the miraculous link between them. For through what medium less revealing than that of shared misfortune would he ever have perceived so inconspicuous an object as herself? And she recalled now how gently his eyes had rested on her from the first—the gray eyes that might have seemed mocking if they had not been so gentle.
She might have felt differently, maybe—the shame and regret could have taken over—if she hadn’t known him to be so kind and caring and sensed that he was so confused, poor, and let down. She was aware of the failure in his marriage, and she guessed there was also a similar failure in his artistic career. Lizzie, who had made her own awkward attempt at the same achievements, considered his artwork, which she thought was incredibly brilliant, but suspected had somehow failed to gain public recognition. She understood that he had once experienced a moment of success: a mention, a medal, something official and substantial; then the wave of attention had somehow shifted away, leaving him isolated in a noble solitude. It was extraordinary and hard to believe that someone so naturally gifted and remarkable could be subjected to the same ordinary struggles that dictated her own life, knowing poverty, anonymity, and indifference. But she realized this had been the case, and sensed that it formed the miraculous connection between them. After all, through what less revealing medium than shared hardship would he ever have noticed someone as unremarkable as her? And she now remembered how gently his eyes had rested on her from the very beginning—the gray eyes that might have seemed teasing if they hadn’t been so kind.
She remembered how he had met her the first day, when Mrs. Deering’s inevitable headache had prevented her from receiving the new teacher, and how his few questions had at once revealed his interest in the little stranded, compatriot, doomed to earn a precarious living so far from her native shore. Sweet as the moment of unburdening had been, she wondered afterward what had determined it: how she, so shy and sequestered, had found herself letting slip her whole poverty-stricken story, even to the avowal of the ineffectual “artistic” tendencies that had drawn her to Paris, and had then left her there to the dry task of tuition. She wondered at first, but she understood now; she understood everything after he had kissed her. It was simply because he was as kind as he was great.
She remembered how he had met her on the first day when Mrs. Deering’s inevitable headache had kept her from meeting the new teacher, and how his few questions had immediately shown his interest in the little stranded compatriot, forced to make a fragile living so far from her homeland. As sweet as that moment of unloading her feelings had been, she later wondered what had led to it: how she, so shy and isolated, had ended up sharing her entire sad story, even admitting to the unproductive “artistic” dreams that had brought her to Paris and then left her stuck in the mundane job of teaching. She questioned it at first, but she understood now; she understood everything after he had kissed her. It was simply because he was as kind as he was remarkable.
She thought of this now as she mounted the hill in the spring sunshine, and she thought of all that had happened since. The intervening months, as she looked back at them, were merged in a vast golden haze, through which here and there rose the outline of a shining island. The haze was the general enveloping sense of his love, and the shining islands were the days they had spent together. They had never kissed again under his own roof. Lizzie’s professional honor had a keen edge, but she had been spared the vulgar necessity of making him feel it. It was of the essence of her fatality that he always “understood” when his failing to do so might have imperiled his hold on her.
She thought about this now as she climbed the hill in the spring sunshine, and she reflected on everything that had happened since. Looking back, the months had blended into a vast golden haze, with glimpses of shining islands breaking through. The haze represented her overall feeling of his love, and the shining islands were the days they had spent together. They had never kissed again in his home. Lizzie’s professional integrity was strong, but she hadn’t had to force him to acknowledge it. It was part of her fate that he always “understood” whenever not doing so could have threatened his connection to her.
But her Thursdays and Sundays were free, and it soon became a habit to give them to him. She knew, for her peace of mind, only too much about pictures, and galleries and churches had been the one bright outlet from the grayness of her personal atmosphere. For poetry, too, and the other imaginative forms of literature, she had always felt more than she had hitherto had occasion to betray; and now all these folded sympathies shot out their tendrils to the light. Mr. Deering knew how to express with unmatched clearness and competence the thoughts that trembled in her mind: to talk with him was to soar up into the azure on the outspread wings of his intelligence, and look down dizzily yet distinctly, on all the wonders and glories of the world. She was a little ashamed, sometimes, to find how few definite impressions she brought back from these flights; but that was doubtless because her heart beat so fast when he was near, and his smile made his words like a long quiver of light. Afterward, in quieter hours, fragments of their talk emerged in her memory with wondrous precision, every syllable as minutely chiseled as some of the delicate objects in crystal or ivory that he pointed out in the museums they frequented. It was always a puzzle to Lizzie that some of their hours should be so blurred and others so vivid.
But her Thursdays and Sundays were free, and it quickly became a routine to dedicate those days to him. She knew, for her peace of mind, all too well about art, and museums and churches had been the one bright escape from the dullness of her personal life. She had always felt more deeply about poetry and other imaginative forms of literature than she had ever shown before; now all those hidden feelings reached out for recognition. Mr. Deering could express with unmatched clarity and skill the thoughts that stirred in her mind: talking with him felt like soaring into the sky on the wings of his intellect, gazing down in awe at all the wonders and beauties of the world. Sometimes, she felt a bit embarrassed to realize how few concrete impressions she took away from these conversations; but that was probably because her heart raced so much when he was around, and his smile made his words shimmer like a flash of light. Later, during quieter moments, bits of their conversations would come back to her memory with stunning clarity, each syllable as finely carved as some of the exquisite pieces in crystal or ivory that he pointed out in the museums they visited. It always baffled Lizzie that some of their time together felt so hazy while other moments were so vivid.
On the morning in question she was reliving all these memories with unusual distinctness, for it was a fortnight since she had seen her friend. Mrs. Deering, some six weeks previously, had gone to visit a relation at St.-Raphael; and, after she had been a month absent, her husband and the little girl had joined her. Lizzie’s adieux to Deering had been made on a rainy afternoon in the damp corridors of the Aquarium at the Trocadero. She could not receive him at her own pension. That a teacher should be visited by the father of a pupil, especially when that father was still, as Madame Clopin said, si bien, was against that lady’s austere Helvetian code. From Deering’s first tentative hint of another solution Lizzie had recoiled in a wild unreasoned flurry of all her scruples, he took her “No, no, no!” as he took all her twists and turns of conscience, with eyes half-tender and half-mocking, and an instant acquiescence which was the finest homage to the “lady” she felt he divined and honored in her.
On the morning in question, she was vividly reliving all these memories, as it had been two weeks since she last saw her friend. Mrs. Deering had gone to visit a relative in St.-Raphael about six weeks ago, and after a month apart, her husband and little girl had joined her. Lizzie’s goodbye to Deering had happened on a rainy afternoon in the damp hallways of the Aquarium at the Trocadero. She couldn't host him at her own pension. It was against Madame Clopin’s strict Helvetian rules for a teacher to be visited by a student’s father, especially when that father was still, as Madame Clopin put it, si bien. From Deering’s first awkward suggestion of a different arrangement, Lizzie had recoiled in a wild, irrational flurry of all her scruples. He took her “No, no, no!” just like he took all her moral twists and turns, with eyes that were half tender and half mocking, and an immediate acceptance that was the greatest tribute to the “lady” he seemed to see and respect in her.
So they continued to meet in museums and galleries, or to extend, on fine days, their explorations to the suburbs, where now and then, in the solitude of grove or garden, the kiss renewed itself, fleeting, isolated, or prolonged in a shy, silent pressure of the hand. But on the day of his leave-taking the rain kept them under cover; and as they threaded the subterranean windings of the Aquarium, and Lizzie looked unseeingly at the monstrous faces glaring at her through walls of glass, she felt like a poor drowned wretch at the bottom of the sea, with all her glancing, sunlit memories rolling over her like the waves of its surface.
So they kept meeting in museums and galleries, or when the weather was nice, venturing out to the suburbs, where occasionally, in the quiet of a grove or garden, their kiss would be renewed—brief, secluded, or stretched out in a shy, silent squeeze of the hand. But on the day he was leaving, the rain kept them indoors; and as they navigated the underground paths of the Aquarium, and Lizzie stared blankly at the monstrous faces glaring at her through glass walls, she felt like a poor drowned soul at the bottom of the ocean, with all her bright, sunlit memories crashing over her like the waves above.
“You’ll never see him again—never see him again,” the waves boomed in her ears through his last words; and when she had said good-by to him at the corner, and had scrambled, wet and shivering, into the Passy omnibus, its great, grinding wheels took up the derisive burden—“Never see him, never see him again.”
“You’ll never see him again—never see him again,” the waves echoed in her ears along with his last words; and when she said goodbye to him at the corner and climbed, wet and shivering, into the Passy bus, its heavy, grinding wheels picked up the mocking refrain—“Never see him, never see him again.”
All that was only two weeks ago, and here she was, as happy as a lark, mounting the hill to his door in the spring sunshine. So weak a heart did not deserve such a radiant fate; and Lizzie said to herself that she would never again distrust her star.
All that was just two weeks ago, and here she was, as happy as could be, walking up the hill to his door in the spring sunshine. A heart so delicate didn’t deserve such a bright future; and Lizzie told herself that she would never doubt her luck again.
II
THE cracked bell tinkled sweetly through her heart as she stood listening for the scamper of Juliet’s feet. Juliet, anticipating the laggard Suzanne, almost always opened the door for her governess, not from any unnatural zeal to hasten the hour of her studies, but from the irrepressible desire to see what was going on in the street. But on this occasion Lizzie listened vainly for a step, and at length gave the bell another twitch. Doubtless some unusually absorbing incident had detained the child below-stairs; thus only could her absence be explained.
THE cracked bell chimed sweetly in her heart as she stood listening for the quick footsteps of Juliet. Juliet, usually eager for the slow-moving Suzanne, almost always opened the door for her governess, not out of any genuine excitement to get to her studies, but from an uncontainable curiosity about what was happening outside. But this time, Lizzie listened in vain for a sound, and finally gave the bell another pull. Surely something particularly interesting must have kept the child downstairs; that was the only reason for her delay.
A third ring produced no response, and Lizzie, full of dawning fears, drew back to look up at the shabby, blistered house. She saw that the studio shutters stood wide, and then noticed, without surprise, that Mrs. Deering’s were still unopened. No doubt Mrs. Deering was resting after the fatigue of the journey. Instinctively Lizzie’s eyes turned again to the studio; and as she looked, she saw Deering at the window. He caught sight of her, and an instant later came to the door. He looked paler than usual, and she noticed that he wore a black coat.
A third ring produced no response, and Lizzie, filled with growing fears, stepped back to glance up at the run-down, peeling house. She noticed that the studio shutters were wide open, and then realized, without surprise, that Mrs. Deering’s were still shut. No doubt Mrs. Deering was resting after the long trip. Instinctively, Lizzie’s gaze shifted back to the studio; and as she looked, she saw Deering at the window. He spotted her, and a moment later, he came to the door. He looked paler than usual, and she noticed that he was wearing a black coat.
“I rang and rang—where is Juliet?”
“I called and called—where is Juliet?”
He looked at her gravely, almost solemnly; then, without answering, he led her down the passage to the studio, and closed the door when she had entered.
He looked at her seriously, almost somberly; then, without saying a word, he guided her down the hallway to the studio and shut the door once she had stepped inside.
“My wife is dead—she died suddenly ten days ago. Didn’t you see it in the papers?”
“My wife has passed away—she died unexpectedly ten days ago. Didn’t you read about it in the papers?”
Lizzie, with a little cry, sank down on the rickety divan. She seldom saw a newspaper, since she could not afford one for her own perusal, and those supplied to the Pension Clopin were usually in the hands of its more privileged lodgers till long after the hour when she set out on her morning round.
Lizzie let out a small gasp and dropped onto the wobbly couch. She rarely saw a newspaper since she couldn't afford one for herself, and the ones provided at the Pension Clopin were usually held by the more privileged tenants long after she headed out for her morning rounds.
“No; I didn’t see it,” she stammered.
“No; I didn’t see it,” she said, fumbling.
Deering was silent. He stood a little way off, twisting an unlit cigarette in his hand, and looking down at her with a gaze that was both hesitating and constrained.
Deering was quiet. He stood a short distance away, fiddling with an unlit cigarette in his hand, and looking down at her with a gaze that was both unsure and tense.
She, too, felt the constraint of the situation, the impossibility of finding words that, after what had passed between them, should seem neither false nor heartless; and at last she exclaimed, standing up: “Poor little Juliet! Can’t I go to her?”
She also felt the pressure of the situation, the difficulty of finding words that, after everything that had happened between them, would seem neither insincere nor uncaring; and finally she exclaimed, standing up: “Poor little Juliet! Can’t I go to her?”
“Juliet is not here. I left her at St.-Raphael with the relations with whom my wife was staying.”
“Juliet isn’t here. I left her at St. Raphael with the relatives my wife was visiting.”
“Oh,” Lizzie murmured, feeling vaguely that this added to the difficulty of the moment. How differently she had pictured their meeting!
“Oh,” Lizzie sighed, sensing that this made the situation even more complicated. She had imagined their meeting so differently!
“I’m so—so sorry for her!” she faltered out.
“I’m really—really sorry for her!” she stammered.
Deering made no reply, but, turning on his heel, walked the length of the studio, and then halted vaguely before the picture on the easel. It was the landscape he had begun the previous autumn, with the intention of sending it to the Salon that spring. But it was still unfinished—seemed, indeed, hardly more advanced than on the fateful October day when Lizzie, standing before it for the first time, had confessed her inability to deal with Juliet. Perhaps the same thought struck its creator, for he broke into a dry laugh, and turned from the easel with a shrug.
Deering didn't say anything, but he turned on his heel, walked across the studio, and then stopped uncertainly in front of the painting on the easel. It was the landscape he had started the previous autumn, planning to send it to the Salon that spring. But it was still unfinished—looked barely more developed than it had on that fateful October day when Lizzie, seeing it for the first time, admitted that she couldn't handle Juliet. Maybe the same thought crossed his mind, because he let out a dry laugh and turned away from the easel with a shrug.
Under his protracted silence Lizzie roused herself to the fact that, since her pupil was absent, there was no reason for her remaining any longer; and as Deering again moved toward her she said with an effort: “I’ll go, then. You’ll send for me when she comes back?”
Under his long silence, Lizzie realized that since her student was gone, there was no reason for her to stay any longer; and as Deering moved toward her again, she said with some effort, “I’ll go then. Will you send for me when she gets back?”
Deering still hesitated, tormenting the cigarette between his fingers.
Deering still hesitated, nervously fiddling with the cigarette between his fingers.
“She’s not coming back—not at present.”
“She’s not coming back—not right now.”
Lizzie heard him with a drop of the heart. Was everything to be changed in their lives? But of course; how could she have dreamed it would be otherwise? She could only stupidly repeat: “Not coming back? Not this spring?”
Lizzie felt a sinking feeling in her heart. Was everything about to change in their lives? Of course, how could she have thought it would be any different? All she could do was stupidly repeat, “Not coming back? Not this spring?”
“Probably not, since are friends are so good as to keep her. The fact is, I’ve got to go to America. My wife left a little property, a few pennies, that I must go and see to—for the child.”
“Probably not, since our friends are nice enough to take care of her. The truth is, I have to go to America. My wife left behind a small property, a little money, that I need to check on—for the child.”
Lizzie stood before him, a cold knife in her breast. “I see—I see,” she reiterated, feeling all the while that she strained her eyes into impenetrable blackness.
Lizzie stood in front of him, a cold knife in her chest. “I understand—I understand,” she repeated, feeling all the while that she was straining her eyes into impenetrable darkness.
“It’s a nuisance, having to pull up stakes,” he went on, with a fretful glance about the studio.
“It’s a pain to have to pack up and move,” he continued, casting a worried look around the studio.
She lifted her eyes slowly to his face. “Shall you be gone long?” she took courage to ask.
She slowly raised her eyes to his face. “Will you be gone long?” she dared to ask.
“There again—I can’t tell. It’s all so frightfully mixed up.” He met her look for an incredibly long, strange moment. “I hate to go!” he murmured as if to himself.
“There it is again—I can’t figure it out. It’s all so confusing.” He held her gaze for an unbelievably long, odd moment. “I really don’t want to leave!” he whispered as if to himself.
Lizzie felt a rush of moisture to her lashes, and the old, familiar wave of weakness at her heart. She raised her hand to her face with an instinctive gesture, and as she did so he held out his arms.
Lizzie felt tears fill her eyes, and the familiar wave of vulnerability washed over her. She instinctively raised her hand to her face, and as she did, he opened his arms.
“Come here, Lizzie!” he said.
“Come here, Lizzie!” he said.
And she went—went with a sweet, wild throb of liberation, with the sense that at last the house was his, that she was his, if he wanted her; that never again would that silent, rebuking presence in the room above constrain and shame her rapture.
And she left—left with a sweet, wild rush of freedom, feeling that finally the house was his, that she was his, if he wanted her; that no longer would that silent, judgmental presence in the room above limit and embarrass her joy.
He pushed back her veil and covered her face with kisses. “Don’t cry, you little goose!” he said.
He pushed back her veil and covered her face with kisses. “Don’t cry, you silly goose!” he said.
III
THAT they must see each other again before his departure, in someplace less exposed than their usual haunts, was as clear to Lizzie as it appeared to be to Deering. His expressing the wish seemed, indeed, the sweetest testimony to the quality of his feeling, since, in the first weeks of the most perfunctory widowerhood, a man of his stamp is presumed to abstain from light adventures. If, then, at such a moment, he wished so much to be quietly and gravely with her, it could be only for reasons she did not call by name, but of which she felt the sacred tremor in her heart; and it would have seemed incredibly vain and vulgar to put forward, at such a crisis, the conventional objections by means of which such little-exposed existences defend the treasure of their freshness.
THAT they needed to see each other again before he left, somewhere less public than their usual spots, was as obvious to Lizzie as it was to Deering. His desire to meet felt like the sweetest proof of his feelings, since, during the early weeks of a standard widower period, a man like him is expected to stay away from casual flings. So, if he wanted to be quietly and seriously with her at that moment, it had to be for reasons she didn’t explicitly name, but which sent a sacred tremor through her heart; and it would have seemed incredibly shallow and tacky to raise the usual objections that people with sheltered lives use to protect their innocence at such an important time.
In such a mood as this one may descend from the Passy omnibus at the corner of the Pont de la Concorde (she had not let him fetch her in a cab) with a sense of dedication almost solemn, and may advance to meet one’s fate, in the shape of a gentleman of melancholy elegance, with an auto-taxi at his call, as one has advanced to the altar-steps in some girlish bridal vision.
In a mood like this, you might get off the Passy bus at the corner of the Pont de la Concorde (she didn't let him pick her up in a cab) feeling almost seriously dedicated, and walk forward to meet your fate, which takes the form of a stylishly sad gentleman with a taxi ready for him, just like walking up the steps to the altar in a youthful wedding daydream.
Even the experienced waiter ushering them into an upper room of the quiet restaurant on the Seine could hardly have supposed their quest for seclusion to be based on sentimental motives, so soberly did Deering give his orders, while his companion sat small and grave at his side. She did not, indeed, mean to let her private pang obscure their hour together: she was already learning that Deering shrank from sadness. He should see that she had courage and gaiety to face their coming separation, and yet give herself meanwhile to this completer nearness; but she waited, as always, for him to strike the opening note.
Even the experienced waiter leading them into an upper room of the quiet restaurant by the Seine could hardly have guessed that their need for privacy was rooted in sentimental reasons, given how seriously Deering placed his orders, while his companion appeared small and serious beside him. She didn’t intend to let her personal pain overshadow their time together: she was already realizing that Deering avoided sadness. She wanted him to see that she had the strength and joy to face their impending separation, while still enjoying this closer connection; but she waited, as always, for him to initiate the conversation.
Looking back at it later, she wondered at the mild suavity of the hour. Her heart was unversed in happiness, but he had found the tone to lull her apprehensions, and make her trust her fate for any golden wonder. Deepest of all, he gave her the sense of something tacit and confirmed between them, as if his tenderness were a habit of the heart hardly needing the support of outward proof.
Looking back on it later, she marveled at the gentle charm of the moment. Her heart was inexperienced in happiness, but he had found the right tone to calm her worries and help her trust that something amazing could happen. Most importantly, he gave her a feeling of something unspoken and real between them, as if his kindness was a natural part of his heart, hardly needing any external validation.
Such proof as he offered came, therefore, as a kind of crowning luxury, the flower of a profoundly rooted sentiment; and here again the instinctive reserves and defenses would have seemed to vulgarize what his trust ennobled. But if all the tender casuistries of her heart were at his service, he took no grave advantage of them. Even when they sat alone after dinner, with the lights of the river trembling through their one low window, and the vast rumor of Paris inclosing them in a heart of silence, he seemed, as much as herself, under the spell of hallowing influences. She felt it most of all as she yielded to the arm he presently put about her, to the long caress he laid on her lips and eyes: not a word or gesture missed the note of quiet union, or cast a doubt, in retrospect, on the pact they sealed with their last look.
The proof he provided felt like a final luxury, the pinnacle of a deeply rooted sentiment. Once again, his natural defenses would have made what his trust elevated seem ordinary. But even though all the gentle nuances of her heart were at his disposal, he didn’t take serious advantage of them. Even when they sat together alone after dinner, with the river's lights shimmering through their one low window and the vast sounds of Paris surrounding them in a quiet embrace, he seemed just as enchanted by the sacred atmosphere as she was. She felt it most prominently as she leaned into the arm he wrapped around her, enjoying the gentle caress he placed on her lips and eyes: not a word or gesture struck a note of anything but calm unity, nor did it cast any doubt on the pact they confirmed with their final gaze.
That pact, as she reviewed it through a sleepless night, seemed to have consisted mainly, on his part, in pleadings for full and frequent news of her, on hers in the assurance that it should be given as often as he asked it. She had felt an intense desire not to betray any undue eagerness, any crude desire to affirm and define her hold on him. Her life had given her a certain acquaintance with the arts of defense: girls in her situation were commonly supposed to know them all, and to use them as occasion called. But Lizzie’s very need of them had intensified her disdain. Just because she was so poor, and had always, materially, so to count her change and calculate her margin, she would at least know the joy of emotional prodigality, would give her heart as recklessly as the rich their millions. She was sure now that Deering loved her, and if he had seized the occasion of their farewell to give her some definitely worded sign of his feeling—if, more plainly, he had asked her to marry him,—his doing so would have seemed less like a proof of his sincerity than of his suspecting in her the need of a verbal warrant. That he had abstained seemed to show that he trusted her as she trusted him, and that they were one most of all in this deep security of understanding.
That agreement, as she went over it during a sleepless night, seemed to mainly consist, on his side, of requests for regular updates about her, and on her side, a promise that she would provide those updates whenever he wanted. She had a strong urge not to show any excessive enthusiasm or clumsy desire to solidify her connection to him. Her experiences had given her a certain understanding of the strategies for self-protection: girls in her position were generally thought to know them all and to use them as needed. But Lizzie's need for those strategies only deepened her contempt. Just because she was struggling financially, and always had to count her pennies and watch her budget, she wanted to experience the joy of emotional generosity, giving her heart as freely as the wealthy give their fortunes. She was now convinced that Deering loved her, and if he had taken the opportunity during their goodbye to express his feelings more clearly—if, frankly, he had proposed to her—his actions would have felt less like proof of his sincerity and more like he suspected she needed verbal confirmation. The fact that he held back seemed to indicate that he trusted her just as she trusted him, and that their bond was rooted in this deep sense of understanding.
She had tried to make him divine all this in the chariness of her promise to write. She would write; of course she would. But he would be busy, preoccupied, on the move: it was for him to let her know when he wished a word, to spare her the embarrassment of ill-timed intrusions.
She had tried to get him to understand all this through the careful way she promised to write. She would write; of course, she would. But he would be busy, distracted, always on the go: it was up to him to let her know when he wanted a message, to save her from the awkwardness of bothering him at the wrong time.
“Intrusions?” He had smiled the word away. “You can’t well intrude, my darling, on a heart where you’re already established, to the complete exclusion of other lodgers.” And then, taking her hands, and looking up from them into her happy, dizzy eyes: “You don’t know much about being in love, do you, Lizzie?” he laughingly ended.
“Intrusions?” He smiled as he said it. “You can’t really intrude, my darling, on a heart where you’re already at home, completely pushing out other guests.” Then, taking her hands and looking up into her happy, dizzy eyes, he said with a laugh, “You don’t know much about being in love, do you, Lizzie?”
It seemed easy enough to reject this imputation in a kiss; but she wondered afterward if she had not deserved it. Was she really cold and conventional, and did other women give more richly and recklessly? She found that it was possible to turn about every one of her reserves and delicacies so that they looked like selfish scruples and petty pruderies, and at this game she came in time to exhaust all the resources of an over-abundant casuistry.
It seemed simple enough to dismiss this accusation with a kiss; but later she questioned whether she deserved it. Was she truly cold and conventional, and did other women give more freely and passionately? She realized she could reinterpret all her reservations and sensitivities as selfish concerns and small-minded morals, and in doing so, she eventually ran out of justifications for her behavior.
Meanwhile the first days after Deering’s departure wore a soft, refracted light like the radiance lingering after sunset. He, at any rate, was taxable with no reserves, no calculations, and his letters of farewell, from train and steamer, filled her with long murmurs and echoes of his presence. How he loved her, how he loved her—and how he knew how to tell her so!
Meanwhile, the first few days after Deering left were filled with a gentle, diffused light like the glow that lingers after sunset. He, in any case, had no reservations or calculations, and his farewell letters from the train and boat filled her with soft murmurs and reminders of his presence. How he loved her, how he loved her—and how skillfully he expressed it!
She was not sure of possessing the same aptitude. Unused to the expression of personal emotion, she fluctuated between the impulse to pour out all she felt and the fear lest her extravagance should amuse or even bore him. She never lost the sense that what was to her the central crisis of experience must be a mere episode in a life so predestined as his to romantic accidents. All that she felt and said would be subjected to the test of comparison with what others had already given him: from all quarters of the globe she saw passionate missives winging their way toward Deering, for whom her poor little swallow-flight of devotion could certainly not make a summer. But such moments were succeeded by others in which she raised her head and dared inwardly to affirm her conviction that no woman had ever loved him just as she had, and that none, therefore, had probably found just such things to say to him. And this conviction strengthened the other less solidly based belief that he also, for the same reason, had found new accents to express his tenderness, and that the three letters she wore all day in her shabby blouse, and hid all night beneath her pillow, surpassed not only in beauty, but in quality, all he had ever penned for other eyes.
She wasn’t sure if she had the same ability. Unused to showing her feelings, she wavered between the urge to share everything she felt and the fear that her emotions might either amuse or bore him. She never stopped believing that what was the most central crisis of her experience was just a minor episode in a life as destined for romantic events as his. Everything she felt and said would be compared to what others had already given him: from all over the world, she saw passionate letters heading toward Deering, and she knew her little expressions of devotion couldn’t possibly compete. But those moments were followed by others when she lifted her chin and dared to believe inwardly that no woman had ever loved him quite like she did, and therefore none had found exactly the same things to say to him. This belief strengthened the other less certain conviction that he too, for the same reason, had discovered new ways to express his affection, and that the three letters she carried all day in her worn blouse and hid at night beneath her pillow were not only more beautiful but of better quality than anything he had ever written for anyone else.
They gave her, at any rate, during the weeks that she wore them on her heart, sensations even more complex and delicate than Deering’s actual presence had ever occasioned. To be with him was always like breasting a bright, rough sea, that blinded while it buoyed her: but his letters formed a still pool of contemplation, above which she could bend, and see the reflection of the sky, and the myriad movements of life that flitted and gleamed below the surface. The wealth of his hidden life—that was what most surprised her! It was incredible to her now that she had had no inkling of it, but had kept on blindly along the narrow track of habit, like a traveler climbing a road in a fog, who suddenly finds himself on a sunlit crag between blue leagues of sky and dizzy depths of valley. And the odd thing was that all the people about her—the whole world of the Passy pension—were still plodding along the same dull path, preoccupied with the pebbles underfoot, and unconscious of the glory beyond the fog!
They gave her, during the weeks she kept them close to her heart, feelings that were even more complex and subtle than Deering’s actual presence had ever brought her. Being with him always felt like facing a bright, rough sea that blinded her while also uplifting her; but his letters created a still pool of reflection, where she could lean in, see the sky’s reflection, and notice the countless movements of life that fluttered and sparkled just below the surface. The depth of his hidden life—that was what surprised her the most! It amazed her now that she had been completely unaware of it, wandering blindly down the narrow path of routine, like a traveler climbing a road in a fog who suddenly finds themselves on a sunlit ridge surrounded by expansive blue skies and steep valleys below. And the strange thing was that all the people around her—the entire world of the Passy pension—were still trudging along the same dull path, fixated on the stones beneath their feet, completely unaware of the beauty beyond the fog!
There were wild hours when she longed to cry out to them what one saw from the summit—and hours of tremulous abasement when she asked herself why her happy feet had been guided there, while others, no doubt as worthy, stumbled and blundered in obscurity. She felt, in particular, a sudden urgent pity for the two or three other girls at Mme. Clopin’s—girls older, duller, less alive than she, and by that very token more appealingly flung upon her sympathy. Would they ever know? Had they ever known?—those were the questions that haunted her as she crossed her companions on the stairs, faced them at the dinner-table, and listened to their poor, pining talk in the dim-lit slippery-seated salon. One of the girls was Swiss, the other English; the third, Andora Macy, was a young lady from the Southern States who was studying French with the ultimate object of imparting it to the inmates of a girls’ school at Macon, Georgia.
There were wild moments when she wanted to shout out to them about what she saw from the top—and moments of shaky humility when she questioned why her fortunate feet had led her there, while others, surely just as deserving, stumbled and floundered in anonymity. She particularly felt a sudden, intense compassion for the two or three other girls at Mme. Clopin’s—girls older, duller, less vibrant than she was, and because of that, more endearingly in need of her sympathy. Would they ever understand? Had they ever understood?—those were the questions that haunted her as she passed her friends on the stairs, faced them at the dinner table, and listened to their sad, yearning conversations in the dimly lit, slippery-seated salon. One of the girls was Swiss, another was English; the third, Andora Macy, was a young woman from the Southern States studying French with the ultimate goal of teaching it to the girls at a school in Macon, Georgia.
Andora Macy was pale, faded, immature. She had a drooping Southern accent, and a manner which fluctuated between arch audacity and fits of panicky hauteur. She yearned to be admired, and feared to be insulted; and yet seemed tragically conscious that she was destined to miss both these extremes of sensation, or to enjoy them only at second hand in the experiences of her more privileged friends.
Andora Macy was pale, worn out, and immature. She had a drawling Southern accent and a demeanor that swung between boldness and moments of nervous superiority. She craved admiration but was afraid of being insulted; yet she seemed painfully aware that she was likely to miss both these feelings or experience them only indirectly through the stories of her more privileged friends.
It was perhaps for this reason that she took a wistful interest in Lizzie, who had shrunk from her at first, as the depressing image of her own probable future, but to whom she had now suddenly become an object of sentimental pity.
It was probably for this reason that she took a nostalgic interest in Lizzie, who had initially pulled away from her, as the disheartening image of her own likely future, but to whom she had now suddenly become an object of sentimental pity.
IV
MISS MACY’s room was next to Miss West’s, and the Southerner’s knock often appealed to Lizzie’s hospitality when Mme. Clopin’s early curfew had driven her boarders from the salon. It sounded thus one evening just as Lizzie, tired from an unusually long day of tuition, was in the act of removing her dress. She was in too indulgent a mood to withhold her “Come in,” and as Miss Macy crossed the threshold, Lizzie felt that Vincent Deering’s first letter—the letter from the train—had slipped from her loosened bodice to the floor.
MISS MACY’s room was next to Miss West’s, and the Southerner’s knock often appealed to Lizzie’s hospitality when Mme. Clopin’s early curfew had driven her boarders from the salon. It happened one evening just as Lizzie, exhausted from an unusually long day of teaching, was in the process of taking off her dress. She was in too generous a mood to hold back her “Come in,” and as Miss Macy stepped inside, Lizzie realized that Vincent Deering’s first letter—the one from the train—had slipped from her loosened bodice to the floor.
Miss Macy, as promptly noting the fact, darted forward to recover the letter. Lizzie stooped also, fiercely jealous of her touch; but the other reached the precious paper first, and as she seized it, Lizzie knew that she had seen whence it fell, and was weaving round the incident a rapid web of romance.
Miss Macy, quickly noticing the situation, rushed forward to grab the letter. Lizzie bent down too, feeling intensely jealous of her touch; but Miss Macy got to the important paper first, and as she grabbed it, Lizzie realized she had seen where it had dropped, and was quickly spinning a story around the incident in her mind.
Lizzie blushed with annoyance. “It’s too stupid, having no pockets! If one gets a letter as she is going out in the morning, she has to carry it in her blouse all day.”
Lizzie flushed with irritation. “It’s so ridiculous, having no pockets! If you get a letter while heading out in the morning, you have to carry it in your blouse all day.”
Miss Macy looked at her with swimming eyes. “It’s warm from your heart!” she breathed, reluctantly yielding up the missive.
Miss Macy looked at her with teary eyes. “It’s warm from your heart!” she said, reluctantly handing over the letter.
Lizzie laughed, for she knew better: she knew it was the letter that had warmed her heart. Poor Andora Macy! She would never know. Her bleak bosom would never take fire from such a contact. Lizzie looked at her with kind eyes, secretly chafing at the injustice of fate.
Lizzie laughed because she understood better: she knew it was the letter that had warmed her heart. Poor Andora Macy! She would never know. Her dreary heart would never feel the warmth from such a connection. Lizzie looked at her with compassionate eyes, secretly frustrated by the unfairness of fate.
The next evening, on her return home, she found Andora hovering in the entrance hall.
The next evening, when she got home, she found Andora waiting in the entrance hall.
“I thought you’d like me to put this in your own hand,” Miss Macy whispered significantly, pressing a letter upon Lizzie. “I couldn’t bear to see it lying on the table with the others.”
“I thought you’d appreciate me giving this to you directly,” Miss Macy whispered meaningfully, handing a letter to Lizzie. “I couldn’t stand to see it just sitting on the table with the others.”
It was Deering’s letter from the steamer. Lizzie blushed to the forehead, but without resenting Andora’s divination. She could not have breathed a word of her bliss, but she was not altogether sorry to have it guessed, and pity for Andora’s destitution yielded to the pleasure of using it as a mirror for her own abundance. DEERING wrote again on reaching New York, a long, fond, dissatisfied letter, vague in its indication of his own projects, specific in the expression of his love. Lizzie brooded over every syllable of it till they formed the undercurrent of all her waking thoughts, and murmured through her midnight dreams; but she would have been happier if they had shed some definite light on the future.
It was Deering’s letter from the steamer. Lizzie blushed deeply, but she didn’t mind Andora’s intuition. She couldn’t have said a word about her happiness, but she wasn’t completely upset that it was guessed, and her sympathy for Andora’s struggles gave way to the joy of reflecting on her own good fortune. DEERING wrote again when he got to New York, sending a long, affectionate, unsatisfied letter, vague about his own plans but clear in expressing his love. Lizzie pored over every word until it became the background of all her waking thoughts and echoed through her dreams at night; but she would have felt happier if it had provided some clear insight into the future.
That would come, no doubt, when he had had time to look about and get his bearings. She counted up the days that must elapse before she received his next letter, and stole down early to peep at the papers, and learn when the next American mail was due. At length the happy date arrived, and she hurried distractedly through the day’s work, trying to conceal her impatience by the endearments she bestowed upon her pupils. It was easier, in her present mood, to kiss them than to keep them at their grammars.
That would happen, of course, when he had time to look around and get his bearings. She counted the days until she would receive his next letter and slipped out early to check the papers and see when the next American mail was arriving. Finally, the exciting day came, and she rushed through her tasks, attempting to hide her impatience with the affection she showed her students. In her current mood, it was easier to kiss them than to keep them focused on their grammar lessons.
That evening, on Mme. Clopin’s threshold, her heart beat so wildly that she had to lean a moment against the door-post before entering. But on the hall table, where the letters lay, there was none for her.
That evening, on Mme. Clopin’s doorstep, her heart raced so much that she had to lean against the doorframe for a moment before going in. But on the hall table, where the letters were, there was none for her.
She went over them with a feverish hand, her heart dropping down and down, as she had sometimes fallen down an endless stairway in a dream—the very same stairway up which she had seemed to fly when she climbed the long hill to Deering’s door. Then it suddenly struck her that Andora might have found and secreted her letter, and with a spring she was on the actual stairs and rattling Miss Macy’s door-handle.
She went through them with a shaking hand, her heart sinking more and more, like when she had sometimes fallen down an endless staircase in a dream—the exact same staircase she had seemed to fly up when she climbed the long hill to Deering’s door. Then it hit her that Andora might have found and hidden her letter, and with a burst of energy, she was on the actual stairs, shaking Miss Macy’s doorknob.
“You’ve a letter for me, haven’t you?” she panted.
“You have a letter for me, don’t you?” she panted.
Miss Macy, turning from the toilet-table, inclosed her in attenuated arms. “Oh, darling, did you expect one to-day?”
Miss Macy, turning away from the vanity, wrapped her thin arms around her. “Oh, sweetheart, did you think it would be today?”
“Do give it to me!” Lizzie pleaded with burning eyes.
"Please give it to me!" Lizzie begged with intense eyes.
“But I haven’t any! There hasn’t been a sign of a letter for you.”
“But I don’t have any! There hasn’t been any sign of a letter for you.”
“I know there is. There must be,” Lizzie persisted, stamping her foot.
“I know there is. There has to be,” Lizzie insisted, stamping her foot.
“But, dearest, I’ve watched for you, and there’s been nothing, absolutely nothing.”
“But, my dear, I’ve waited for you, and there’s been nothing, absolutely nothing.”
Day after day, for the ensuing weeks, the same scene reenacted itself with endless variations. Lizzie, after the first sharp spasm of disappointment, made no effort to conceal her anxiety from Miss Macy, and the fond Andora was charged to keep a vigilant eye upon the postman’s coming, and to spy on the bonne for possible negligence or perfidy. But these elaborate precautions remained fruitless, and no letter from Deering came.
Day after day, for the following weeks, the same scene played out with endless variations. Lizzie, after the initial shock of disappointment, made no effort to hide her anxiety from Miss Macy, and the caring Andora was instructed to keep a close watch on the postman's arrival and to keep an eye on the bonne for any signs of carelessness or betrayal. But all these careful measures proved useless, and no letter from Deering arrived.
During the first fortnight of silence Lizzie exhausted all the ingenuities of explanation. She marveled afterward at the reasons she had found for Deering’s silence: there were moments when she almost argued herself into thinking it more natural than his continuing to write. There was only one reason which her intelligence consistently rejected, and that was the possibility that he had forgotten her, that the whole episode had faded from his mind like a breath from a mirror. From that she resolutely turned her thoughts, aware that if she suffered herself to contemplate it, the motive power of life would fail, and she would no longer understand why she rose up in the morning and laydown at night.
During the first two weeks of silence, Lizzie tried every explanation she could think of. She later wondered at the reasons she had come up with for Deering's silence; there were times when she almost convinced herself that his lack of communication was more natural than if he had kept writing. The only explanation that her mind consistently rejected was the idea that he had forgotten her, that the whole thing had slipped from his memory like a breath disappearing from a mirror. She firmly pushed those thoughts away, knowing that if she allowed herself to consider it, her motivation for living would fade, and she wouldn't understand why she got up in the morning and lied down at night.
If she had had leisure to indulge her anguish she might have been unable to keep such speculations at bay. But she had to be up and working: the blanchisseuse had to be paid, and Mme. Clopin’s weekly bill, and all the little “extras” that even her frugal habits had to reckon with. And in the depths of her thought dwelt the dogging fear of illness and incapacity, goading her to work while she could. She hardly remembered the time when she had been without that fear; it was second nature now, and it kept her on her feet when other incentives might have failed. In the blankness of her misery she felt no dread of death; but the horror of being ill and “dependent” was in her blood.
If she had had the time to dwell on her pain, she might have struggled to push those thoughts away. But she had to get up and work: the laundry service had to be paid, along with Mme. Clopin’s weekly bill, and all the little extras that even her simple lifestyle had to account for. Deep down, she was haunted by the fear of getting sick and being unable to work, pushing her to keep going while she still could. She barely remembered a time when that fear wasn’t present; it had become second nature, driving her to stay active when other motivations might have fallen short. In the emptiness of her suffering, she felt no fear of death; but the dread of being ill and “dependent” was deeply ingrained in her.
In the first weeks of silence she wrote again and again to Deering, entreating him for a word, for a mere sign of life. From the first she had shrunk from seeming to assert any claim on his future, yet in her aching bewilderment she now charged herself with having been too possessive, too exacting in her tone. She told herself that his fastidiousness shrank from any but a “light touch,” and that hers had not been light enough. She should have kept to the character of the “little friend,” the artless consciousness in which tormented genius may find an escape from its complexities; and instead, she had dramatized their relation, exaggerated her own part in it, presumed, forsooth, to share the front of the stage with him, instead of being content to serve as scenery or chorus.
In the first weeks of silence, she kept writing to Deering, pleading for a word, for just a sign that he was alive. From the beginning, she had tried to avoid sounding like she had any claim on his future, yet now, in her aching confusion, she felt guilty for being too possessive and demanding in her tone. She told herself that his sensitivity preferred a “light touch,” and hers hadn’t been light enough. She should have stuck to being the “little friend,” the innocent awareness that could help a tormented genius escape their complexities; instead, she had dramatized their relationship, exaggerated her own role in it, and even dared to share the spotlight with him, rather than being satisfied to act as background or support.
But though to herself she admitted, and even insisted on, the episodical nature of the experience, on the fact that for Deering it could be no more than an incident, she was still convinced that his sentiment for her, however fugitive, had been genuine.
But even though she acknowledged and even insisted to herself that the experience was just a temporary thing, and that for Deering it was nothing more than a passing incident, she still believed that his feelings for her, no matter how brief, had been real.
His had not been the attitude of the unscrupulous male seeking a vulgar “advantage.” For a moment he had really needed her, and if he was silent now, it was perhaps because he feared that she had mistaken the nature of the need and built vain hopes on its possible duration.
His attitude wasn't like that of a selfish guy trying to gain some cheap advantage. For a moment, he genuinely needed her, and if he's quiet now, it might be because he's worried she misunderstood the nature of his need and built unrealistic expectations about how long it might last.
It was of the very essence of Lizzie’s devotion that it sought instinctively the larger freedom of its object; she could not conceive of love under any form of exaction or compulsion. To make this clear to Deering became an overwhelming need, and in a last short letter she explicitly freed him from whatever sentimental obligation its predecessors might have seemed to impose. In this studied communication she playfully accused herself of having unwittingly sentimentalized their relation, affirming, in self-defense, a retrospective astuteness, a sense of the impermanence of the tenderer sentiments, that almost put Deering in the fatuous position of having mistaken coquetry for surrender. And she ended gracefully with a plea for the continuance of the friendly regard which she had “always understood” to be the basis of their sympathy. The document, when completed, seemed to her worthy of what she conceived to be Deering’s conception of a woman of the world, and she found a spectral satisfaction in the thought of making her final appearance before him in that distinguished character. But she was never destined to learn what effect the appearance produced; for the letter, like those it sought to excuse, remained unanswered.
It was essential to Lizzie’s devotion that it instinctively sought the greater freedom of its object; she couldn't imagine love in any form of demand or pressure. Making this clear to Deering became an urgent need for her, and in a final brief letter, she explicitly released him from any sentimental obligation that previous messages might have implied. In this carefully crafted note, she humorously accused herself of having unintentionally romanticized their relationship, affirming, in self-defense, a retrospective cleverness, a sense of how fleeting those tender feelings could be, which almost put Deering in the ridiculous position of having mistaken flirtation for true surrender. She concluded gracefully with a request for the continuation of the friendly feelings she had “always understood” to be the foundation of their connection. The finished document seemed to her worthy of what she thought was Deering's idea of a worldly woman, and she found a ghostly satisfaction in the thought of making her last appearance before him in that refined role. But she would never learn how that appearance impacted him; for the letter, like those it was meant to justify, went unanswered.
V
THE fresh spring sunshine which had so often attended Lizzie Weston her dusty climb up the hill of St.-Cloud beamed on her, some two years later, in a scene and a situation of altered import.
THE fresh spring sunshine that had often accompanied Lizzie Weston during her dusty climb up the hill of St.-Cloud beamed down on her, about two years later, in a scene and a situation that had changed significantly.
The horse-chestnuts of the Champs-Elysees filtered its rays through the symmetrical umbrage inclosing the graveled space about Daurent’s restaurant, and Miss West, seated at a table within that privileged circle, presented to the light a hat much better able to sustain its scrutiny than those which had sheltered the brow of Juliet Deering’s instructress.
The horse-chestnuts on the Champs-Elysees let their rays shine through the even shade surrounding the gravel area around Daurent’s restaurant, and Miss West, sitting at a table in that exclusive spot, showcased a hat that could handle the attention much better than the ones that had shaded the head of Juliet Deering’s teacher.
Her dress was in keeping with the hat, and both belonged to a situation rich in such possibilities as the act of a leisurely luncheon at Daurent’s in the opening week of the Salon. Her companions, of both sexes, confirmed and emphasized this impression by an elaborateness of garb and an ease of attitude implying the largest range of selection between the forms of Parisian idleness; and even Andora Macy, seated opposite, as in the place of co-hostess or companion, reflected, in coy grays and mauves, the festal note of the occasion.
Her dress matched her hat perfectly, and both were suited for a situation full of possibilities, like a leisurely lunch at Daurent’s during the first week of the Salon. Her companions, both men and women, reinforced this impression with their elaborate outfits and relaxed demeanor, suggesting a wide variety of Parisian leisure. Even Andora Macy, sitting across from her as a co-hostess or friend, echoed the celebratory vibe of the occasion with her subtle grays and mauves.
This note reverberated persistently in the ears of a solitary gentleman straining for glimpses of the group from a table wedged in the remotest corner of the garden; but to Miss West herself the occurrence did not rise above the usual. For nearly a year she had been acquiring the habit of such situations, and the act of offering a luncheon at Daurent’s to her cousins, the Harvey Mearses of Providence, and their friend Mr. Jackson Benn, produced in her no emotion beyond the languid glow which Mr. Benn’s presence was beginning to impart to such scenes.
This note echoed constantly in the ears of a lone man trying to catch a glimpse of the group from a table tucked away in the far corner of the garden; however, for Miss West, the event was nothing out of the ordinary. For almost a year, she had been getting used to these situations, and inviting her cousins, the Harvey Mearses from Providence, and their friend Mr. Jackson Benn to lunch at Daurent’s stirred no feelings in her other than the faint warmth that Mr. Benn’s presence was starting to bring to these gatherings.
“It’s frightful, the way you’ve got used to it,” Andora Macy had wailed in the first days of her friend’s transfigured fortune, when Lizzie West had waked one morning to find herself among the heirs of an old and miserly cousin whose testamentary dispositions had formed, since her earliest childhood, the subject of pleasantry and conjecture in her own improvident family. Old Hezron Mears had never given any sign of life to the luckless Wests; had perhaps hardly been conscious of including them in the carefully drawn will which, following the old American convention, scrupulously divided his hoarded millions among his kin. It was by a mere genealogical accident that Lizzie, falling just within the golden circle, found herself possessed of a pittance sufficient to release her from the prospect of a long gray future in Mme. Clopin’s pension.
“It’s unbelievable how adjusted you are to this,” Andora Macy had exclaimed in the early days of her friend’s unexpected wealth, when Lizzie West woke up one morning to discover that she was among the heirs of a distant and stingy cousin. His will had been a topic of jokes and speculation in her own reckless family since her childhood. Old Hezron Mears had never shown any interest in the unfortunate Wests and probably hadn’t even realized he included them in the meticulously drafted will that, following the old American tradition, carefully divided his amassed fortune among his relatives. It was purely a genealogical coincidence that Lizzie, landing just within the fortunate group, found herself with enough money to spare her from the bleak prospect of a long, dull future in Mme. Clopin’s boarding house.
The release had seemed wonderful at first; yet she presently found that it had destroyed her former world without giving her anew one. On the ruins of the old pension life bloomed the only flower that had ever sweetened her path; and beyond the sense of present ease, and the removal of anxiety for the future, her reconstructed existence blossomed with no compensating joys. She had hoped great things from the opportunity to rest, to travel, to look about her, above all, in various artful feminine ways, to be “nice” to the companions of her less privileged state; but such widenings of scope left her, as it were, but the more conscious of the empty margin of personal life beyond them. It was not till she woke to the leisure of her new days that she had the full sense of what was gone from them.
The release had seemed amazing at first; however, she soon realized that it had destroyed her old life without giving her a new one. On the remains of the old pension life bloomed the only flower that had ever sweetened her journey; and beyond the comfort of the present and the relief from future anxiety, her rebuilt existence was lacking any joy. She had hoped for great things from the chance to relax, to travel, to explore, and especially, in various graceful feminine ways, to be “nice” to those who were less fortunate than herself; but these broader experiences only made her more aware of the emptiness in her personal life. It wasn't until she embraced the leisure of her new days that she fully understood what was missing from them.
Their very emptiness made her strain to pack them with transient sensations: she was like the possessor of an unfurnished house, with random furniture and bric-a-brac perpetually pouring in “on approval.” It was in this experimental character that Mr. Jackson Benn had fixed her attention, and the languid effort of her imagination to adjust him to her requirements was seconded by the fond complicity of Andora and the smiling approval of her cousins. Lizzie did not discourage these demonstrations: she suffered serenely Andora’s allusions to Mr. Benn’s infatuation, and Mrs. Mears’s casual boast of his business standing. All the better if they could drape his narrow square-shouldered frame and round unwinking countenance in the trailing mists of sentiment: Lizzie looked and listened, not unhopeful of the miracle.
Their emptiness made her push to fill them with fleeting feelings: she was like someone who owns an empty house, with random furniture and knick-knacks constantly coming in “on approval.” It was this experimental vibe that caught Mr. Jackson Benn's attention, and her lazy effort to fit him into her expectations was supported by Andora’s affectionate agreement and her cousins’ cheerful approval. Lizzie didn’t stop these displays: she calmly accepted Andora’s hints about Mr. Benn’s crush and Mrs. Mears’s offhand mention of his business reputation. It was even better if they could drape his narrow, square-shouldered figure and round, unblinking face in the soft haze of sentiment: Lizzie watched and listened, not without hope for a miracle.
“I never saw anything like the way these Frenchmen stare! Doesn’t it make you nervous, Lizzie?” Mrs. Mears broke out suddenly, ruffling her feather boa about an outraged bosom. Mrs. Mears was still in that stage of development when her countrywomen taste to the full the peril of being exposed to the gaze of the licentious Gaul.
“I’ve never seen anything like the way these French guys stare! Doesn’t it make you nervous, Lizzie?” Mrs. Mears exclaimed suddenly, fluffing her feather boa around an indignant chest. Mrs. Mears was still at that stage where her fellow countrywomen fully experience the risk of being exposed to the gaze of the lecherous Frenchman.
Lizzie roused herself from the contemplation of Mr. Benn’s round baby cheeks and the square blue jaw resting on his perpendicular collar. “Is some one staring at me?” she asked with a smile.
Lizzie snapped out of her daydream about Mr. Benn’s round baby cheeks and the square blue jaw resting on his upright collar. “Is someone staring at me?” she asked with a smile.
“Don’t turn round, whatever you do! There—just over there, between the rhododendrons—the tall fair man alone at that table. Really, Harvey, I think you ought to speak to the head-waiter, or something; though I suppose in one of these places they’d only laugh at you,” Mrs. Mears shudderingly concluded.
“Don’t turn around, whatever you do! There—just over there, between the rhododendrons—the tall blond guy sitting alone at that table. Really, Harvey, I think you should say something to the head waiter or something; though I guess in a place like this, they’d just laugh at you,” Mrs. Mears concluded, shuddering.
Her husband, as if inclining to this probability, continued the undisturbed dissection of his chicken wing; but Mr. Benn, perhaps aware that his situation demanded a more punctilious attitude, sternly revolved upon the parapet of his high collar in the direction of Mrs. Mears’s glance.
Her husband, seeming to agree with this possibility, kept on calmly dissecting his chicken wing; but Mr. Benn, likely knowing that his situation required a more formal demeanor, turned sharply toward Mrs. Mears’s gaze.
“What, that fellow all alone over there? Why, he’s not French; he’s an American,” he then proclaimed with a perceptible relaxing of the facial muscles.
“What, that guy all by himself over there? Well, he’s not French; he’s an American,” he said, his facial muscles noticeably relaxing.
“Oh!” murmured Mrs. Mears, as perceptibly disappointed, and Mr. Benn continued carelessly: “He came over on the steamer with me. He’s some kind of an artist—a fellow named Deering. He was staring at me, I guess: wondering whether I was going to remember him. Why, how d’ ‘e do? How are you? Why, yes, of course; with pleasure—my friends, Mrs. Harvey Mears—Mr. Mears; my friends Miss Macy and Miss West.”
“Oh!” murmured Mrs. Mears, clearly disappointed, and Mr. Benn continued casually: “He came over on the steamer with me. He’s some kind of artist—a guy named Deering. He was looking at me, I think; wondering if I’d remember him. Well, how do you do? How are you? Yes, of course; it’s a pleasure—my friends, Mrs. Harvey Mears—Mr. Mears; my friends Miss Macy and Miss West.”
“I have the pleasure of knowing Miss West,” said Vincent Deering with a smile.
“I’m pleased to know Miss West,” said Vincent Deering with a smile.
VI
EVEN through his smile Lizzie had seen, in the first moment, how changed he was; and the impression of the change deepened to the point of pain when, a few days later, in reply to his brief note, she accorded him a private hour.
EVEN through his smile, Lizzie noticed, in that first moment, how different he was; and the impact of that difference intensified to the point of discomfort when, a few days later, in response to his short note, she granted him a private hour.
That the first sight of his writing—the first answer to his letters—should have come, after three long years, in the shape of this impersonal line, too curt to be called humble, yet confessing to a consciousness of the past by the studied avoidance of its language! As she read, her mind flashed back over what she had dreamed his letters would be, over the exquisite answers she had composed above his name. There was nothing exquisite in the conventional lines before her; but dormant nerves began to throb again at the mere touch of the paper he had touched, and she threw the little note into the fire before she dared to reply to it.
That the first glimpse of his writing—the first response to his letters—should come, after three long years, in the form of this impersonal note, too brief to be called humble, yet acknowledging the past by deliberately avoiding its language! As she read, her mind raced back over what she had imagined his letters would be like, over the beautiful responses she had crafted in her head with his name in mind. There was nothing beautiful in the standard lines in front of her; but dormant feelings began to stir again at the mere touch of the paper he had touched, and she tossed the little note into the fire before she dared to respond.
Now that he was actually before her again, he became, as usual, the one live spot in her consciousness. Once more her tormented throbbing self sank back passive and numb, but now with all its power of suffering mysteriously transferred to the presence, so known, yet so unknown, at the opposite corner of her hearth. She was still Lizzie West, and he was still Vincent Deering; but the Styx rolled between them, and she saw his face through its fog. It was his face, really, rather than his words, that told her, as she furtively studied it, the tale of failure and slow discouragement which had so blurred its handsome lines. She kept afterward no precise memory of the actual details of his narrative: the pain it evidently cost him to impart it was so much the sharpest fact in her new vision of him. Confusedly, however, she gathered that on reaching America he had found his wife’s small property gravely impaired; and that, while lingering on to secure what remained of it, he had contrived to sell a picture or two, and had even known a brief moment of success, during which he received orders and set up a studio. But inexplicably the tide had ebbed, his work remained on his hands, and a tedious illness, with its miserable sequel of debt, soon wiped out his small advantage. There followed a period of eclipse, still more vaguely pictured, during which she was allowed to infer that he had tried his hand at divers means of livelihood, accepting employment from a fashionable house-decorator, designing wall-papers, illustrating magazine articles, and acting for a time, she dimly understood, as the social tout of a new hotel desirous of advertising its restaurant. These disjointed facts were strung on a slender thread of personal allusions—references to friends who had been kind (jealously, she guessed them to be women), and to enemies who had darkly schemed against him. But, true to his tradition of “correctness,” he carefully avoided the mention of names, and left her trembling conjectures to grope dimly through an alien crowded world in which there seemed little room for her small shy presence.
Now that he was actually in front of her again, he became, as always, the one vibrant point in her awareness. Once more, her tormented, throbbing self sank back into a passive numbness, but now all its suffering power seemed to shift to the presence that was so familiar yet so unknown across from her by the hearth. She was still Lizzie West, and he was still Vincent Deering; but a river of separation flowed between them, and she saw his face through its haze. It was really his face, more than his words, that revealed to her, as she discreetly observed it, the story of failure and slow discouragement that had clouded its handsome features. She later retained no clear memory of the specific details of his story: the pain he clearly felt in sharing it was the most vivid aspect in her new perception of him. However, she gathered, somewhat muddled, that upon arriving in America, he discovered his wife’s small property was severely damaged; and that while he stayed to secure what remained, he managed to sell a few paintings and even had a brief moment of success, during which he received orders and set up a studio. But inexplicably, his luck changed, his work sat unsold, and a persistent illness, along with its miserable aftermath of debt, quickly erased his small gains. This was followed by a vague period of struggle, during which she inferred that he had tried various ways to make a living, taking a job with a trendy interior decorator, designing wallpapers, illustrating magazine articles, and at one point, as she vaguely understood, acting as the social promoter for a new hotel eager to showcase its restaurant. These disconnected facts were linked by a thin thread of personal references—mentions of friends who had been kind (she guessed they were women out of jealousy) and of enemies who had plotted against him. But true to his upbringing of "correctness," he carefully avoided saying any names, leaving her to tremble with conjectures as she groped through an unfamiliar, crowded world in which there seemed little space for her small, shy presence.
As she listened, her private pang was merged in the intolerable sense of his unhappiness. Nothing he had said explained or excused his conduct to her; but he had suffered, he had been lonely, had been humiliated, and she suddenly felt, with a fierce maternal rage, that there was no conceivable justification for any scheme of things in which such facts were possible. She could not have said why: she simply knew that it hurt too much to see him hurt.
As she listened, her own pain combined with the unbearable sense of his unhappiness. Nothing he said justified or explained his behavior to her; but he had suffered, felt lonely, and had been humiliated. Suddenly, she felt a fierce maternal anger that there could be no possible explanation for a world where such things happened. She couldn't articulate why; she just knew it hurt too much to see him in pain.
Gradually it came to her that her unconsciousness of any personal grievance was due to her having so definitely determined her own future. She was glad she had decided, as she now felt she had, to marry Jackson Benn, if only for the sense of detachment it gave her in dealing with the case of Vincent Deering. Her personal safety insured her the requisite impartiality, and justified her in dwelling as long as she chose on the last lines of a chapter to which her own act had deliberately fixed the close. Any lingering hesitations as to the finality of her decision were dispelled by the imminent need of making it known to Deering; and when her visitor paused in his reminiscences to say, with a sigh, “But many things have happened to you too,” his words did not so much evoke the sense of her altered fortunes as the image of the protector to whom she was about to intrust them.
Gradually, she realized that her lack of personal grievance came from her firm decision about her future. She was glad she had chosen to marry Jackson Benn, as it now made her feel more detached when dealing with Vincent Deering's situation. Her personal safety allowed her to remain objective and justified her in reflecting on the last lines of a chapter that her own actions had deliberately closed. Any remaining doubts about the finality of her decision disappeared with the pressing need to inform Deering. When her visitor paused in his memories to say, with a sigh, “But many things have happened to you too,” his words didn’t so much remind her of her changed circumstances as they painted the image of the protector she was about to trust with them.
“Yes, many things; it’s three years,” she answered.
“Yes, a lot of things; it’s been three years,” she replied.
Deering sat leaning forward, in his sad exiled elegance, his eyes gently bent on hers; and at his side she saw the solid form of Mr. Jackson Benn, with shoulders preternaturally squared by the cut of his tight black coat, and a tall shiny collar sustaining his baby cheeks and hard blue chin. Then the vision faded as Deering began to speak.
Deering sat leaning forward, in his sad, exiled elegance, his eyes softly focused on hers; and beside him, she noticed the solid figure of Mr. Jackson Benn, his shoulders unnaturally squared by the fit of his tight black coat, and a tall, shiny collar propping up his baby cheeks and strong blue chin. Then the scene faded as Deering started to speak.
“Three years,” he repeated, musingly taking up her words. “I’ve so often wondered what they’d brought you.”
“Three years,” he said thoughtfully, picking up on her words. “I’ve often wondered what they brought you.”
She lifted her head with a quick blush, and the terrified wish that he should not, at the cost of all his notions of correctness, lapse into the blunder of becoming “personal.”
She quickly raised her head, blushing, and felt a terrified urge that he shouldn’t, for the sake of all his ideas of propriety, make the mistake of getting “personal.”
“You’ve wondered?” She smiled back bravely.
“You’ve wondered?” She smiled back confidently.
“Do you suppose I haven’t?” His look dwelt on her. “Yes, I daresay that was what you thought of me.”
“Do you really think I haven't?” His gaze lingered on her. “Yeah, I bet that’s what you thought of me.”
She had her answer pat—“Why, frankly, you know, I didn’t think of you.” But the mounting tide of her poor dishonored memories swept it indignantly away. If it was his correctness to ignore, it could never be hers to disavow.
She had her answer ready—“Honestly, you know, I didn’t think of you.” But the growing wave of her hurt, disrespected memories swept it away with anger. If it was okay for him to ignore it, it could never be okay for her to deny it.
“ Was that what you thought of me?” she heard him repeat in a tone of sad insistence; and at that, with a quick lift of her head, she resolutely answered: “How could I know what to think? I had no word from you.”
“ Was that what you thought of me?” she heard him say again, his voice tinged with sadness; and at that, she quickly lifted her head and firmly replied, “How could I know what to think? I hadn’t heard anything from you.”
If she had expected, and perhaps almost hoped, that this answer would create a difficulty for him, the gaze of quiet fortitude with which he met it proved that she had underestimated his resources.
If she had expected, and maybe even hoped, that this answer would cause him trouble, the look of calm strength with which he responded showed that she had misjudged his capabilities.
“No, you had no word. I kept my vow,” he said.
“No, you didn't say anything. I kept my promise,” he said.
“Your vow?”
“Your promise?”
“That you shouldn’t have a word—not a syllable. Oh, I kept it through everything!”
“That you shouldn’t say a word—not even a syllable. Oh, I held onto it through everything!”
Lizzie’s heart was sounding in her ears the old confused rumor of the sea of life, but through it she desperately tried to distinguish the still small voice of reason.
Lizzie could hear her heart pounding in her ears, like the chaotic whispers of the sea of life, but she was desperately trying to make out the quiet voice of reason amidst it all.
“What was your vow? Why shouldn’t I have had a syllable from you?”
“What was your vow? Why couldn’t I get a word from you?”
He sat motionless, still holding her with a look so gentle that it almost seemed forgiving.
He sat still, holding her with a gaze so gentle that it almost felt forgiving.
Then abruptly he rose, and crossing the space between them, sat down in a chair at her side. The deliberation of his movement might have implied a forgetfulness of changed conditions, and Lizzie, as if thus viewing it, drew slightly back; but he appeared not to notice her recoil, and his eyes, at last leaving her face, slowly and approvingly made the round of the small bright drawing-room. “This is charming. Yes, things have changed for you,” he said.
Then suddenly he got up, crossed the space between them, and sat down in a chair next to her. The carefulness of his movement could have suggested that he forgot the changed circumstances, and Lizzie, sensing this, slightly leaned back; but he seemed unaware of her retreat, and his gaze, finally leaving her face, slowly and appreciatively scanned the small, bright drawing room. “This is lovely. Yes, things have changed for you,” he said.
A moment before she had prayed that he might be spared the error of a vain return upon the past. It was as if all her retrospective tenderness, dreading to see him at such a disadvantage, rose up to protect him from it. But his evasiveness exasperated her, and suddenly she felt the inconsistent desire to hold him fast, face to face with his own words.
A moment before, she had hoped he wouldn't make the mistake of dwelling on the past. It was like all her caring thoughts about what had happened, worried about seeing him in such a weak position, came together to shield him from it. But his reluctance frustrated her, and suddenly she felt a conflicting urge to confront him directly, forcing him to face his own words.
Before she could reiterate her question, however, he had met her with another.
Before she could repeat her question, he hit her with another one.
“You did think of me, then? Why are you afraid to tell me that you did?”
“You did think of me, then? Why are you scared to tell me that you did?”
The unexpectedness of the challenge wrung an indignant cry from her.
The surprise of the challenge drew an angry shout from her.
“Didn’t my letters tell you so enough?”
“Didn't my letters make that clear enough?”
“Ah, your letters!” Keeping her gaze on his in a passion of unrelenting fixity, she could detect in him no confusion, not the least quiver of a sensitive nerve. He only gazed back at her more sadly.
“Ah, your letters!” Keeping her eyes locked on his with an intense focus, she could see no signs of confusion in him, not even the slightest sign of a sensitive nerve. He just looked back at her with a deeper sadness.
“They went everywhere with me—your letters,” he said.
“They went everywhere with me—your letters,” he said.
“Yet you never answered them.” At last the accusation trembled to her lips.
“Yet you never answered them.” Finally, the accusation shook as it left her lips.
“Yet I never answered them.”
"Yet I never replied to them."
“Did you ever so much as read them, I wonder?”
“Did you ever even read them, I wonder?”
All the demons of self-torture were up in her now, and she loosed them on him, as if to escape from their rage.
All the demons of self-torture were unleashed within her now, and she directed them at him, as if to escape their fury.
Deering hardly seemed to hear her question. He merely shifted his attitude, leaning a little nearer to her, but without attempting, by the least gesture, to remind her of the privileges which such nearness had once implied.
Deering barely seemed to notice her question. He just changed his position, leaning a bit closer to her, but without making any move to remind her of the privileges that such closeness used to suggest.
“There were beautiful, wonderful things in them,” he said, smiling.
“There were amazing, beautiful things in them,” he said, smiling.
She felt herself stiffen under his smile.
She felt herself tense up under his smile.
“You’ve waited three years to tell me so!”
“You’ve been waiting three years to tell me that!”
He looked at her with grave surprise. “And do you resent my telling you even now?”
He looked at her in serious surprise. “Do you still resent me telling you this?”
His parries were incredible. They left her with a breathless sense of thrusting at emptiness, and a desperate, almost vindictive desire to drive him against the wall and pin him there.
His parries were amazing. They left her feeling breathless, like she was striking at nothing, along with a desperate, almost vengeful urge to push him against the wall and hold him there.
“No. Only I wonder you should take the trouble to tell me, when at the time—”
“No. I just wonder why you took the trouble to tell me, when at the time—”
And now, with a sudden turn, he gave her the final surprise of meeting her squarely on her own ground.
And now, with a quick shift, he surprised her one last time by meeting her right on her own turf.
“When at the time I didn’t? But how could I—at the time?”
“When I didn’t back then? But how could I—back then?”
“Why couldn’t you? You’ve not yet told me?”
“Why couldn’t you? You still haven’t told me?”
He gave her again his look of disarming patience. “Do I need to? Hasn’t my whole wretched story told you?”
He gave her that look of disarming patience again. “Do I have to? Hasn’t my whole miserable story told you?”
“Told me why you never answered my letters?”
“Told me why you never answered my letters?”
“Yes, since I could only answer them in one way—by protesting my love and my longing.”
“Yes, because I could only respond in one way—by expressing my love and my desire.”
There was a long pause of resigned expectancy on his part, on hers, of a wild confused reconstruction of her shattered past. “You mean, then, that you didn’t write because—”
There was a long pause of resigned anticipation from him, and from her, a chaotic rebuilding of her broken past. “So, you’re saying that you didn’t write because—”
“Because I found, when I reached America, that I was a pauper; that my wife’s money was gone, and that what I could earn—I’ve so little gift that way!—was barely enough to keep Juliet clothed and educated. It was as if an iron door had been suddenly locked and barred between us.”
“Because when I got to America, I discovered I was broke; my wife's money was gone, and what I could earn—I really don't have much talent for that!—was barely enough to keep Juliet dressed and educated. It felt like an iron door had been suddenly locked and barred between us.”
Lizzie felt herself driven back, panting upon the last defenses of her incredulity. “You might at least have told me—have explained. Do you think I shouldn’t have understood?”
Lizzie found herself pushed back, breathing heavily against the final barriers of her disbelief. “You could have at least told me—explained it. Do you really think I wouldn’t have understood?”
He did not hesitate. “You would have understood. It wasn’t that.”
He didn't hesitate. "You would have gotten it. It wasn't that."
“What was it then?” she quavered.
“What was it then?” she asked nervously.
“It’s wonderful you shouldn’t see! Simply that I couldn’t write you that. Anything else—not that!”
“It’s amazing you shouldn’t see! Just that I couldn’t write you that. Anything else—not that!”
“And so you preferred to let me suffer?”
“And so you chose to let me suffer?”
There was a shade of reproach in his eyes. “I suffered too,” he said.
There was a hint of disappointment in his eyes. “I suffered too,” he said.
It was his first direct appeal to her compassion, and for a moment it nearly unsettled the delicate poise of her sympathies, and sent them trembling in the direction of scorn and irony. But even as the impulse rose, it was stayed by another sensation. Once again, as so often in the past, she became aware of a fact which, in his absence, she always failed to reckon with—the fact of the deep irreducible difference between his image in her mind and his actual self, the mysterious alteration in her judgment produced by the inflections of his voice, the look of his eyes, the whole complex pressure of his personality. She had phrased it once self-reproachfully by saying to herself that she “never could remember him,” so completely did the sight of him supersede the counterfeit about which her fancy wove its perpetual wonders. Bright and breathing as that counterfeit was, it became a gray figment of the mind at the touch of his presence; and on this occasion the immediate result was to cause her to feel his possible unhappiness with an intensity beside which her private injury paled.
It was his first direct appeal to her compassion, and for a moment it almost threw off her balance, making her feelings waver between scorn and irony. But just as she felt that impulse rise, it was halted by another feeling. Once again, as had happened so many times before, she recognized something that she always overlooked when he wasn't around—the undeniable difference between how she pictured him in her mind and who he actually was. The way his voice changed, the look in his eyes, the whole complexity of his personality created a shift in her judgment. She had once told herself, with a twinge of guilt, that she “could never really remember him,” since the sight of him completely overshadowed the idealized version her imagination endlessly crafted. As vivid as that imagined version was, it faded into a dull memory in his presence; and in this moment, the immediate effect was that she felt his potential unhappiness more intensely than her own pain.
“I suffered horribly,” he repeated, “and all the more that I couldn’t make a sign, couldn’t cry out my misery. There was only one escape from it all—to hold my tongue, and pray that you might hate me.”
“I suffered horribly,” he repeated, “and it was even worse that I couldn’t make a sound, couldn’t cry out my pain. There was only one way out of it all—to stay silent and hope that you might hate me.”
The blood rushed to Lizzie’s forehead. “Hate you—you prayed that I might hate you?”
The blood rushed to Lizzie’s forehead. “You want me to hate you? You actually prayed that I would hate you?”
He rose from his seat, and moving closer, lifted her hand gently in his. “Yes; because your letters showed me that, if you didn’t, you’d be unhappier still.”
He got up from his seat and moved closer, gently taking her hand in his. “Yes; because your letters made it clear that if you didn’t, you’d be even more unhappy.”
Her hand lay motionless, with the warmth of his flowing through it, and her thoughts, too—her poor fluttering stormy thoughts—felt themselves suddenly penetrated by the same soft current of communion.
Her hand lay still, with his warmth flowing through it, and her thoughts—her troubled, restless thoughts—suddenly felt touched by that same gentle connection.
“And I meant to keep my resolve,” he went on, slowly releasing his clasp. “I meant to keep it even after the random stream of things swept me back here in your way; but when I saw you the other day, I felt that what had been possible at a distance was impossible now that we were near each other. How was it possible to see you and want you to hate me?”
“And I meant to stick to my decision,” he continued, slowly letting go of his grip. “I meant to hold on to it, even after being unexpectedly drawn back here in your presence; but when I saw you the other day, I realized that what had seemed possible from a distance was impossible now that we were close to each other. How could I see you and want you to hate me?”
He had moved away, but not to resume his seat. He merely paused at a little distance, his hand resting on a chair-back, in the transient attitude that precedes departure.
He had walked away, but not to sit back down. He just stopped a short distance away, his hand resting on the back of a chair, in that moment before leaving.
Lizzie’s heart contracted. He was going, then, and this was his farewell. He was going, and she could find no word to detain him but the senseless stammer “I never hated you.”
Lizzie’s heart sank. He was leaving, and this was his goodbye. He was leaving, and she could find no words to stop him, just the pointless stammer, “I never hated you.”
He considered her with his faint grave smile. “It’s not necessary, at any rate, that you should do so now. Time and circumstances have made me so harmless—that’s exactly why I’ve dared to venture back. And I wanted to tell you how I rejoice in your good fortune. It’s the only obstacle between us that I can’t bring myself to wish away.”
He looked at her with a slight serious smile. “You don’t have to do that right now. Time and circumstances have made me pretty harmless—that’s exactly why I’ve felt okay coming back. And I wanted to let you know how happy I am for your good fortune. It’s the only thing between us that I just can’t bring myself to wish away.”
Lizzie sat silent, spellbound, as she listened, by the sudden evocation of Mr. Jackson Benn. He stood there again, between herself and Deering, perpendicular and reproachful, but less solid and sharply outlined than before, with a look in his small hard eyes that desperately wailed for reembodiment.
Lizzie sat quietly, captivated, as she listened, by the sudden appearance of Mr. Jackson Benn. He stood there again, between her and Deering, upright and disapproving, but less substantial and sharply defined than before, with a look in his small, hard eyes that desperately cried out for a return.
Deering was continuing his farewell speech. “You’re rich now, you’re free. You will marry.” She vaguely saw him holding out his hand.
Deering was still giving his farewell speech. “You’re rich now, you’re free. You’re going to get married.” She faintly saw him holding out his hand.
“It’s not true that I’m engaged!” she broke out. They were the last words she had meant to utter; they were hardly related to her conscious thoughts; but she felt her whole will suddenly gathered up in the irrepressible impulse to repudiate and fling away from her forever the spectral claim of Mr. Jackson Benn.
“It’s not true that I’m engaged!” she exclaimed. Those were the last words she had intended to say; they weren’t really connected to her conscious thoughts; but she felt her entire will suddenly focused in the unstoppable urge to reject and distance herself forever from the phantom claim of Mr. Jackson Benn.
VII
IT was the firm conviction of Andora Macy that every object in the Vincent Deerings’ charming little house at Neuilly had been expressly designed for the Deerings’ son to play with.
It was Andora Macy's strong belief that every item in the Vincent Deerings' lovely little house in Neuilly had been specifically created for their son to play with.
The house was full of pretty things, some not obviously applicable to the purpose; but Miss Macy’s casuistry was equal tothe baby’s appetite, and the baby’s mother was no match for them in the art of defending her possessions. There were moments, in fact, when Lizzie almost fell in with Andora’s summary division of her works of art into articles safe or unsafe for the baby to lick, or resisted it only to the extent of occasionally substituting some less precious or less perishable object for the particular fragility on which her son’s desire was fixed. And it was with this intention that, on a certain fair spring morning—which wore the added luster of being the baby’s second birthday—she had murmured, with her mouth in his curls, and one hand holding a bit of Chelsea above his dangerous clutch: “Wouldn’t he rather have that beautiful shiny thing over there in Aunt Andorra’s hand?”
The house was full of pretty things, some of which didn’t really serve a purpose; but Miss Macy was just as clever as the baby was hungry, and the baby's mother couldn’t compete with them when it came to protecting her belongings. There were times when Lizzie almost agreed with Andora’s quick categorization of her artwork into items that were safe or unsafe for the baby to touch, or she only pushed back by occasionally swapping a less valuable or less fragile item for the specific delicate object that the baby wanted. It was with this in mind that, on a beautiful spring morning—which gleamed even more because it was the baby's second birthday—she whispered, her mouth buried in his curls and one hand holding a piece of Chelsea out of his reach: “Wouldn’t he rather have that beautiful shiny thing over there in Aunt Andorra’s hand?”
The two friends were together in Lizzie’s little morning-room—the room she had chosen, on acquiring the house, because, when she sat there, she could hear Deering’s step as he paced up and down before his easel in the studio she had built for him. His step had been less regularly audible than she had hoped, for, after three years of wedded bliss, he had somehow failed to settle down to the great work which was to result from that privileged state; but even when she did not hear him she knew that he was there, above her head, stretched out on the old divan from Passy, and smoking endless cigarettes while he skimmed the morning papers; and the sense of his nearness had not yet lost its first keen edge of bliss.
The two friends were in Lizzie's small morning room—the one she picked when she bought the house because it allowed her to hear Deering's footsteps as he walked back and forth in the studio she had built for him. His footsteps had been less frequent than she had hoped, since after three years of married life, he hadn’t really settled down to the important work that should have come from their special situation; but even when she couldn’t hear him, she knew he was there, just above her, stretched out on the old couch from Passy, smoking countless cigarettes while he read the morning papers; and the feeling of his presence still had that initial sharp thrill of happiness.
Lizzie herself, on the day in question, was engaged in a more arduous task than the study of the morning’s news. She had never unlearned the habit of orderly activity, and the trait she least understood in her husband’s character was his way of letting the loose ends of life hang as they would. She had been disposed at first to ascribe this to the chronic incoherence of his first menage; but now she knew that, though he basked under the rule of her beneficent hand, he would never feel any active impulse to further its work. He liked to see things fall into place about him at a wave of her wand; but his enjoyment of her household magic in no way diminished his smiling irresponsibility, and it was with one of its least amiable consequences that his wife and her friend were now dealing.
Lizzie, on that day, was involved in a task that was more demanding than just catching up on the morning news. She had never lost the habit of keeping things organized, and the aspect of her husband’s character that she found most confusing was his tendency to let the loose ends of life just be. At first, she had thought this was because of the chaotic nature of his first marriage, but now she understood that, even though he enjoyed the comfort of her capable management, he would never feel any real motivation to take it further himself. He liked watching things come together effortlessly with her touch; however, his appreciation for her household magic didn’t lessen his carefree attitude. It was one of the less charming outcomes of this that Lizzie and her friend were now dealing with.
Before them stood two travel-worn trunks and a distended portmanteau, which had shed their contents in heterogeneous heaps over Lizzie’s rosy carpet. They represented the hostages left by her husband on his somewhat precipitate departure from a New York boarding-house, and indignantly redeemed by her on her learning, in a curt letter from his landlady, that the latter was not disposed to regard them as an equivalent for the arrears of Deering’s board.
Before them stood two well-worn trunks and an overloaded suitcase, which had spilled their contents in mixed-up piles across Lizzie’s pink carpet. They were the belongings left behind by her husband when he hastily left a boarding house in New York. She had angrily retrieved them after receiving a brief letter from his landlady, who wasn’t willing to accept them as payment for Deering’s unpaid board.
Lizzie had not been shocked by the discovery that her husband had left America in debt. She had too sad an acquaintance with the economic strain to see any humiliation in such accidents; but it offended her sense of order that he should not have liquidated his obligation in the three years since their marriage. He took her remonstrance with his usual disarming grace, and left her to forward the liberating draft, though her delicacy had provided him with a bank-account which assured his personal independence. Lizzie had discharged the duty without repugnance, since she knew that his delegating it to her was the result of his good-humored indolence and not of any design on her exchequer. Deering was not dazzled by money; his altered fortunes had tempted him to no excesses: he was simply too lazy to draw the check, as he had been too lazy to remember the debt it canceled.
Lizzie wasn’t surprised to find out that her husband had left America in debt. She was too familiar with financial struggles to feel any embarrassment about it; however, it bothered her sense of order that he hadn’t settled his debts in the three years since they got married. He took her complaint with his usual charm and left her to send the payment, even though her consideration had given him a bank account that ensured his financial independence. Lizzie handled the task without any reluctance, knowing that his decision to delegate it to her was due to his easygoing laziness, not any intention to tap into her finances. Deering wasn’t impressed by money; his changed circumstances hadn’t tempted him to excess—he was just too lazy to write the check, just as he had been too lazy to remember the debt it paid off.
“No, dear! No!” Lizzie lifted the Chelsea figure higher. “Can’t you find something for him, Andora, among that rubbish over there? Where’s the beaded bag you had in your hand just now? I don’t think it could hurt him to lick that.”
“No, sweetie! No!” Lizzie raised the Chelsea figure higher. “Can’t you find something for him, Andora, among that junk over there? Where’s the beaded bag you were holding just now? I don’t think it would hurt him to lick that.”
Miss Macy, bag in hand, rose from her knees, and stumbled through the slough of frayed garments and old studio properties. Before the group of mother and son she fell into a raptured attitude.
Miss Macy, bag in hand, got up from her knees and stumbled through the mess of tattered clothes and old studio props. In front of the mother and son, she struck a captivated pose.
“Do look at him reach for it, the tyrant! Isn’t he just like the young Napoleon?”
“Look at him reaching for it, the tyrant! Isn’t he just like the young Napoleon?”
Lizzie laughed and swung her son in air. “Dangle it before him, Andora. If you let him have it too quickly, he won’t care for it. He’s just like any man, I think.”
Lizzie laughed and swung her son in the air. “Tease him with it, Andora. If you give it to him too soon, he won’t appreciate it. He’s just like any man, I believe.”
Andora slowly lowered the shining bag till the heir of the Deerings closed his masterful fist upon it. “There—my Chelsea’s safe!” Lizzie smiled, setting her boy on the floor, and watching him stagger away with his booty.
Andora slowly lowered the shiny bag until the heir of the Deerings wrapped his strong hand around it. “There—my Chelsea’s safe!” Lizzie smiled, placing her boy on the floor and watching him stumble away with his prize.
Andora stood beside her, watching too. “Have you any idea where that bag came from, Lizzie?”
Andora stood next to her, watching as well. “Do you have any idea where that bag came from, Lizzie?”
Mrs. Deering, bent above a pile of dis-collared shirts, shook an inattentive head. “I never saw such wicked washing! There isn’t one that’s fit to mend. The bag? No; I’ve not the least idea.”
Mrs. Deering, hunched over a stack of wrinkled shirts, shook her head in disbelief. “I've never seen such terrible laundry! Not one is suitable for repair. The bag? No, I have no clue.”
Andora surveyed her dramatically. “Doesn’t it make you utterly miserable to think that some woman may have made it for him?”
Andora looked at her dramatically. “Doesn’t it make you completely miserable to think that some woman might have made it for him?”
Lizzie, bowed in anxious scrutiny above the shirts, broke into an unruffled laugh. “Really, Andora, really—six, seven, nine; no, there isn’t even a dozen. There isn’t a whole dozen of anything. I don’t see how men live alone!”
Lizzie, leaning in worriedly over the shirts, let out a calm laugh. “Honestly, Andora, really—six, seven, nine; no, there aren’t even a dozen. There isn’t a complete dozen of anything. I just don’t understand how men manage to live alone!”
Andora broodingly pursued her theme. “Do you mean to tell me it doesn’t make you jealous to handle these things of his that other women may have given him?”
Andora thoughtfully continued her point. “Are you really saying it doesn’t make you jealous to deal with his things that other women might have given him?”
Lizzie shook her head again, and, straightening herself with a smile, tossed a bundle in her friend’s direction. “No, it doesn’t make me the least bit jealous. Here, count these socks for me, like a darling.”
Lizzie shook her head once more, and, sitting up with a smile, tossed a bundle toward her friend. “No, it doesn’t make me the slightest bit jealous. Here, count these socks for me, would you?”
Andora moaned, “Don’t you feel anything at all?” as the socks landed in her hollow bosom; but Lizzie, intent upon her task, tranquilly continued to unfold and sort. She felt a great deal as she did so, but her feelings were too deep and delicate for the simplifying process of speech. She only knew that each article she drew from the trunks sent through her the long tremor of Deering’s touch. It was part of her wonderful new life that everything belonging to him contained an infinitesimal fraction of himself—a fraction becoming visible in the warmth of her love as certain secret elements become visible in rare intensities of temperature. And in the case of the objects before her, poor shabby witnesses of his days of failure, what they gave out acquired a special poignancy from its contrast to his present cherished state. His shirts were all in round dozens now, and washed as carefully as old lace. As for his socks, she knew the pattern of every pair, and would have liked to see the washerwoman who dared to mislay one, or bring it home with the colors “run”! And in these homely tokens of his well-being she saw the symbol of what her tenderness had brought him. He was safe in it, encompassed by it, morally and materially, and she defied the embattled powers of malice to reach him through the armor of her love. Such feelings, however, were not communicable, even had one desired to express them: they were no more to be distinguished from the sense of life itself than bees from the lime-blossoms in which they murmur.
Andora groaned, “Don’t you feel anything at all?” as the socks landed in her empty chest; but Lizzie, focused on her task, calmly continued to unfold and sort. She felt a lot while doing so, but her emotions were too intense and delicate to put into words. She only knew that each item she pulled from the trunks carried with it the lingering touch of Deering. It was part of her amazing new life that everything that belonged to him held a tiny piece of him—a piece that became clear in the warmth of her love, just like certain hidden elements become evident in extreme temperatures. And for the objects in front of her, poor worn reminders of his past failures, what they emitted had a special depth because of its contrast to his current cherished state. His shirts were all in perfect dozens now, washed as carefully as old lace. As for his socks, she knew the pattern of every pair and would have loved to see the washerwoman who dared to misplace one or return it with the colors “run”! In these simple tokens of his well-being, she saw the symbol of what her love had given him. He was safe in it, surrounded by it, both morally and materially, and she challenged the hostile forces of malice to reach him through the shield of her love. Such feelings, however, could not be shared, even if one wanted to express them: they were no more separate from the essence of life itself than bees from the lime trees where they buzz.
“Oh, do look at him, Lizzie! He’s found out how to open the bag!”
“Oh, do look at him, Lizzie! He’s figured out how to open the bag!”
Lizzie lifted her head to smile a moment at her son, who sat throned on a heap of studio rubbish, with Andora before him on adoring knees. She thought vaguely, “Poor Andora!” and then resumed the discouraged inspection of a buttonless white waistcoat. The next sound she was aware of was a fluttered exclamation from her friend.
Lizzie raised her head to smile for a moment at her son, who was sitting on a pile of studio junk, with Andora kneeling in front of him, looking adoringly up at him. She thought vaguely, “Poor Andora!” and then went back to her disappointing examination of a white waistcoat missing its buttons. The next thing she noticed was her friend's surprised exclamation.
“Why, Lizzie, do you know what he used the bag for? To keep your letters in!”
“Why, Lizzie, do you know what he used the bag for? To keep your letters in!”
Lizzie looked up more quickly. She was aware that Andora’s pronoun had changed its object, and was now applied to Deering. And it struck her as odd, and slightly disagreeable, that a letter of hers should be found among the rubbish abandoned in her husband’s New York lodgings.
Lizzie looked up faster. She realized that Andora’s pronoun had switched its reference and was now directed at Deering. It seemed strange and a bit unpleasant to her that one of her letters was found among the trash left behind in her husband's New York place.
“How funny! Give it to me, please.”
“How hilarious! Please give it to me.”
“Give the bag to Aunt Andora, darling! Here—look inside, and see what else a big big boy can find there! Yes, here’s another! Why, why—”
“Give the bag to Aunt Andora, darling! Here—look inside and see what else a big boy can find there! Yes, here’s another! Wow—”
Lizzie rose with a shade of impatience and crossed the floor to the romping group beside the other trunk.
Lizzie stood up with a hint of impatience and walked across the room to join the playful group next to the other trunk.
“What is it? Give me the letters, please.” As she spoke, she suddenly recalled the day when, in Mme. Clopin’s pension, she had addressed a similar behest to Andora Macy.
“What is it? Please give me the letters.” As she spoke, she suddenly remembered the day when, at Mme. Clopin’s pension, she had made a similar request to Andora Macy.
Andora had lifted a look of startled conjecture. “Why, this one’s never been opened! Do you suppose that awful woman could have kept it from him?”
Andora had a look of surprised speculation. “Wow, this one’s never been opened! Do you think that terrible woman could have kept it from him?”
Lizzie laughed. Andora’s imaginings were really puerile. “What awful woman? His landlady? Don’t be such a goose, Andora. How can it have been kept back from him, when we’ve found it here among his things?”
Lizzie laughed. Andora’s ideas were really childish. “What terrible woman? His landlady? Stop being ridiculous, Andora. How could it have been hidden from him when we found it here among his stuff?”
“Yes; but then why was it never opened?”
“Yes; but then why was it never opened?”
Andora held out the letter, and Lizzie took it. The writing was hers; the envelop bore the Passy postmark; and it was unopened. She stood looking at it with a sudden sharp drop of the heart.
Andora held out the letter, and Lizzie took it. The writing was hers; the envelope had the Passy postmark; and it was unopened. She stood looking at it with a sudden sharp drop in her heart.
“Why, so are the others—all unopened!” Andora threw out on a rising note; but Lizzie, stooping over, stretched out her hand.
“Why, so are the others—all unopened!” Andora exclaimed, her voice rising. But Lizzie, bending down, reached out her hand.
“Give them to me, please.”
“Please give them to me.”
“Oh, Lizzie, Lizzie—” Andora, still on her knees, continued to hold back the packet, her pale face paler with anger and compassion. “Lizzie, they’re the letters I used to post for you—the letters he never answered! Look!”
“Oh, Lizzie, Lizzie—” Andora, still on her knees, continued to hold back the packet, her pale face even paler with anger and compassion. “Lizzie, they’re the letters I used to mail for you—the letters he never responded to! Look!”
“Give them back to me, please.”
“Please give them back to me.”
The two women faced each other, Andora kneeling, Lizzie motionless before her, the letters in her hand. The blood had rushed to her face, humming in her ears, and forcing itself into the veins of her temples like hot lead. Then it ebbed, and she felt cold and weak.
The two women stood opposite each other, Andora kneeling, while Lizzie remained still in front of her, the letters in her hand. Blood rushed to her face, buzzing in her ears, and pressing into the veins of her temples like hot metal. Then it faded, and she felt cold and weak.
“It must have been some plot—some conspiracy!” Andora cried, so fired by the ecstasy of invention that for the moment she seemed lost to all but the esthetic aspect of the case.
“It must have been some plot—some conspiracy!” Andora exclaimed, so caught up in her excitement of creativity that for a moment she seemed oblivious to everything except the artistic side of the situation.
Lizzie turned away her eyes with an effort, and they rested on the boy, who sat at her feet placidly sucking the tassels of the bag. His mother stooped and extracted them from his rosy mouth, which a cry of wrath immediately filled. She lifted him in her arms, and for the first time no current of life ran from his body into hers. He felt heavy and clumsy, like some one else’s child; and his screams annoyed her.
Lizzie turned her gaze away with difficulty, landing on the boy sitting at her feet, calmly sucking on the tassels of the bag. His mother leaned down and pulled them from his rosy mouth, which immediately filled with cries of anger. She picked him up in her arms, and for the first time, she felt no connection of life flowing from him to her. He felt heavy and awkward, like someone else's child, and his screams irritated her.
“Take him away, please, Andora.”
"Please take him away, Andora."
“Oh, Lizzie, Lizzie!” Andora wailed.
“Oh, Lizzie, Lizzie!” Andora cried.
Lizzie held out the child, and Andora, struggling to her feet, received him.
Lizzie held out the child, and Andora, working to get up, took him.
“I know just how you feel,” she gasped out above the baby’s head.
“I know exactly how you feel,” she said breathlessly above the baby’s head.
Lizzie, in some dark hollow of herself, heard the echo of a laugh. Andora always thought she knew how people felt!
Lizzie, in some dark part of herself, heard the sound of a laugh. Andora always believed she understood how people felt!
“Tell Marthe to take him with her when she fetches Juliet home from school.”
“Tell Marthe to take him with her when she picks up Juliet from school.”
“Yes, yes.” Andora gloated over her. “If you’d only give way, my darling!”
“Yes, yes.” Andora bragged about her. “If you’d just give in, my darling!”
The baby, howling, dived over Andora’s shoulder for the bag.
The baby, wailing, lunged over Andora’s shoulder for the bag.
“Oh, take him!” his mother ordered.
“Oh, take him!” his mother ordered.
Andora, from the door, cried out: “I’ll be back at once. Remember, love, you’re not alone!”
Andora, from the door, shouted: “I’ll be back in a minute. Remember, love, you’re not alone!”
But Lizzie insisted, “Go with them—I wish you to go with them,” in the tone to which Miss Macy had never learned the answer.
But Lizzie insisted, “Go with them—I want you to go with them,” in a tone that Miss Macy had never figured out how to respond to.
The door closed on her outraged back, and Lizzie stood alone. She looked about the disordered room, which offered a dreary image of the havoc of her life. An hour or two ago everything about her had been so exquisitely ordered, without and within; her thoughts and emotions had lain outspread before her like delicate jewels laid away symmetrically in a collector’s cabinet. Now they had been tossed down helter-skelter among the rubbish there on the floor, and had themselves turned to rubbish like the rest. Yes, there lay her life at her feet, among all that tarnished trash.
The door shut behind her in anger, and Lizzie found herself alone. She glanced around the messy room, a grim reflection of the chaos in her life. Just an hour or two ago, everything had been so perfectly arranged, both inside and out; her thoughts and feelings had spread out before her like delicate jewels carefully placed in a collector’s cabinet. Now they were scattered haphazardly among the clutter on the floor, becoming trash like everything else. Yes, there lay her life at her feet, mixed in with all that dull garbage.
She knelt and picked up her letters, ten in all, and examined the flaps of the envelops. Not one had been opened—not one. As she looked, every word she had written fluttered to life, and every feeling prompting it sent a tremor through her. With vertiginous speed and microscopic vision she was reliving that whole period of her life, stripping bare again the black ruin over which the drift of three happy years had fallen.
She knelt down and picked up her letters, a total of ten, and checked the envelopes. Not a single one had been opened—not one. As she looked at them, every word she had written came rushing back to her, and every emotion that inspired it sent a shiver through her. With dizzying speed and intense focus, she was reliving that entire time in her life, peeling away the dark devastation that had been covered by the three years of happiness that followed.
She laughed at Andora’s notion of a conspiracy—of the letters having been “kept back.” She required no extraneous aid in deciphering the mystery: her three years’ experience of Deering shed on it all the light she needed. And yet a moment before she had believed herself to be perfectly happy! Now it was the worst part of her anguish that it did not really surprise her.
She laughed at Andora’s idea of a conspiracy—of the letters being “held back.” She didn’t need any extra help to figure out the mystery: her three years of experience with Deering provided all the insight she needed. Yet just a moment before, she had thought she was perfectly happy! Now, the worst part of her pain was that it didn’t truly surprise her.
She knew so well how it must have happened. The letters had reached him when he was busy, occupied with something else, and had been put aside to be read at some future time—a time which never came. Perhaps on his way to America, on the steamer, even, he had met “some one else”—the “some one” who lurks, veiled and ominous, in the background of every woman’s thoughts about her lover. Or perhaps he had been merely forgetful. She had learned from experience that the sensations which he seemed to feel with the most exquisite intensity left no reverberations in his mind—that he did not relive either his pleasures or his pains. She needed no better proof of that than the lightness of his conduct toward his daughter. He seemed to have taken it for granted that Juliet would remain indefinitely with the friends who had received her after her mother’s death, and it was at Lizzie’s suggestion that the little girl was brought home and that they had established themselves at Neuilly to be near her school. But Juliet once with them, he became the model of a tender father, and Lizzie wondered that he had not felt the child’s absence, since he seemed so affectionately aware of her presence.
She knew exactly how it must have happened. The letters must have reached him when he was busy with something else, and were set aside to be read at a later time—a time that never came. Maybe on his way to America, even on the ship, he had met “someone else”—the “someone” who lingers, hidden and unsettling, in every woman’s thoughts about her lover. Or maybe he had just forgotten. She had learned from experience that the feelings he expressed with the most intense emotion didn’t stick in his mind—that he didn’t relive his pleasures or his pains. She needed no better proof than the way he treated his daughter. He seemed to assume that Juliet would stay indefinitely with the friends who took her in after her mother’s death, and it was Lizzie’s idea to bring the little girl home and for them to settle in Neuilly so they could be near her school. But once Juliet was with them, he became the perfect picture of a caring father, and Lizzie wondered why he hadn’t missed the child, since he seemed so lovingly aware of her presence.
Lizzie had noted all this in Juliet’s case, but had taken for granted that her own was different; that she formed, for Deering, the exception which every woman secretly supposes herself to form in the experience of the man she loves. Certainly, she had learned by this time that she could not modify his habits, but she imagined that she had deepened his sensibilities, had furnished him with an “ideal”—angelic function! And she now saw that the fact of her letters—her unanswered letters—having, on his own assurance, “meant so much” to him, had been the basis on which this beautiful fabric was reared.
Lizzie had observed all this in Juliet’s situation, but she assumed her own was different; that she was the exception that every woman secretly believes she represents in the life of the man she loves. By this time, she had certainly realized that she couldn’t change his habits, but she thought she had enriched his feelings, had given him an “ideal”—an angelic role! Now, she recognized that the existence of her letters—her unanswered letters—having, according to him, “meant so much” to him, was the foundation on which this beautiful structure was built.
There they lay now, the letters, precisely as when they had left her hands. He had not had time to read them; and there had been a moment in her past when that discovery would have been the sharpest pang imaginable to her heart. She had traveled far beyond that point. She could have forgiven him now for having forgotten her; but she could never forgive him for having deceived her.
There they were now, the letters, exactly as they had left her hands. He hadn’t had time to read them, and there was a moment in her past when finding that out would have caused her the most intense heartache. She had moved beyond that point. She could have forgiven him for forgetting about her, but she could never forgive him for lying to her.
She sat down, and looked again vaguely about the room. Suddenly she heard his step overhead, and her heart contracted. She was afraid he was coming down to her. She sprang up and bolted the door; then she dropped into the nearest chair, tremulous and exhausted, as if the pushing of the bolt had required an immense muscular effort. A moment later she heard him on the stairs, and her tremor broke into a cold fit of shaking. “I loathe you—I loathe you!” she cried.
She sat down and looked around the room again, feeling a bit dazed. Then she suddenly heard his footsteps above her, and her heart raced. She was scared he was coming down to her. She quickly got up and locked the door, then fell into the nearest chair, shaking and exhausted, as if locking the door had taken a huge effort. A moment later, she heard him on the stairs, and she began to shake uncontrollably. “I hate you—I hate you!” she cried.
She listened apprehensively for his touch on the handle of the door. He would come in, humming a tune, to ask some idle question and lay a caress on her hair. But no, the door was bolted; she was safe. She continued to listen, and the step passed on. He had not been coming to her, then. He must have gone down-stairs to fetch something—another newspaper, perhaps. He seemed to read little else, and she sometimes wondered when he had found time to store the material that used to serve for their famous “literary” talks. The wonder shot through her again, barbed with a sneer. At that moment it seemed to her that everything he had ever done and been was a lie.
She listened nervously for his hand on the doorknob. He would come in, humming a melody, to ask some casual question and stroke her hair. But no, the door was locked; she was safe. She kept listening, and his footsteps moved away. He wasn’t coming to see her, then. He must have gone downstairs to get something—maybe another newspaper. It felt like that was all he read, and she sometimes wondered when he had found time to gather the material that used to spark their well-known “literary” discussions. That thought flashed through her again, tinged with sarcasm. In that moment, it seemed to her that everything he had ever done and been was a lie.
She heard the house-door close, and started up. Was he going out? It was not his habit to leave the house in the morning.
She heard the front door shut and jumped up. Was he leaving? It wasn't his routine to leave the house in the morning.
She crossed the room to the window, and saw him walking, with a quick decided step, between the budding lilacs to the gate. What could have called him forth at that unwonted hour? It was odd that he should not have told her. The fact that she thought it odd suddenly showed her how closely their lives were interwoven. She had become a habit to him, and he was fond of his habits. But to her it was as if a stranger had opened the gate and gone out. She wondered what he would feel if he knew that she felt that.
She walked across the room to the window and saw him striding confidently between the budding lilacs toward the gate. What could have made him leave at that unusual hour? It was strange that he hadn't mentioned it to her. The fact that she found it strange made her realize how connected their lives were. She had become a routine for him, and he liked his routines. But to her, it felt like a stranger had opened the gate and walked out. She wondered how he would react if he knew she felt that.
“In an hour he will know,” she said to herself, with a kind of fierce exultation; and immediately she began to dramatize the scene. As soon as he came in she meant to call him up to her room and hand him the letters without a word. For a moment she gloated on the picture; then her imagination recoiled from it. She was humiliated by the thought of humiliating him. She wanted to keep his image intact; she would not see him.
“In an hour he will know,” she thought to herself, feeling a rush of excitement; and right away she started to imagine the scene. As soon as he walked in, she planned to call him up to her room and give him the letters without saying anything. For a moment, she reveled in the image; then her imagination pulled back from it. She felt ashamed at the idea of embarrassing him. She wanted to preserve his image as it was; she wouldn’t face him.
He had lied to her about her letters—had lied to her when he found it to his interest to regain her favor. Yes, there was the point to hold fast. He had sought her out when he learned that she was rich. Perhaps he had come back from America on purpose to marry her; no doubt he had come back on purpose. It was incredible that she had not seen this at the time. She turned sick at the thought of her fatuity and of the grossness of his arts. Well, the event proved that they were all he needed. But why had he gone out at such an hour? She was irritated to find herself still preoccupied by his comings and goings.
He had lied to her about her letters—had lied to her when it suited him to win her back. Yes, that was the key point to remember. He had reached out to her when he found out she was wealthy. Maybe he came back from America specifically to marry her; there was no doubt he had returned with that intention. It was unbelievable that she hadn't realized this at the time. She felt sick thinking about her naivety and the sleaziness of his tricks. Well, the outcome showed that those were all he needed. But why had he left at such an odd time? She was annoyed to find herself still caught up in his comings and goings.
Turning from the window, she sat down again. She wondered what she meant to do next. No, she would not show him the letters; she would simply leave them on his table and go away. She would leave the house with her boy and Andora. It was a relief to feel a definite plan forming itself in her mind—something that her uprooted thoughts could fasten on. She would go away, of course; and meanwhile, in order not to see him, she would feign a headache, and remain in her room till after luncheon. Then she and Andora would pack a few things, and fly with the child while he was dawdling about up-stairs in the studio. When one’s house fell, one fled from the ruins: nothing could be simpler, more inevitable.
Turning away from the window, she sat down again. She wondered what to do next. No, she wouldn’t show him the letters; she would just leave them on his table and walk away. She would leave the house with her son and Andora. It was a relief to have a solid plan forming in her mind—something her chaotic thoughts could cling to. She would definitely leave; and in the meantime, to avoid seeing him, she would pretend to have a headache and stay in her room until after lunch. Then she and Andora would pack a few things and escape with the child while he was wasting time upstairs in the studio. When your world collapses, you run from the wreckage: nothing could be simpler or more inevitable.
Her thoughts were checked by the impossibility of picturing what would happen next. Try as she would, she could not see herself and the child away from Deering. But that, of course, was because of her nervous weakness. She had youth, money, energy: all the trumps were on her side. It was much more difficult to imagine what would become of Deering. He was so dependent on her, and they had been so happy together! The fact struck her as illogical, and even immoral, and yet she knew he had been happy with her. It never happened like that in novels: happiness “built on a lie” always crumbled, and buried the presumptuous architect beneath the ruins. According to the laws of every novel she had ever read, Deering, having deceived her once, would inevitably have gone on deceiving her. Yet she knew he had not gone on deceiving her.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the impossibility of imagining what would happen next. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't visualize herself and the child away from Deering. But, of course, that was due to her nervous weakness. She had youth, money, and energy: all the advantages were on her side. It was much harder to picture what would happen to Deering. He was so reliant on her, and they had been so happy together! The idea struck her as illogical, even immoral, yet she knew he had been happy with her. That never happened in novels: happiness “built on a lie” always fell apart, burying the arrogant architect beneath the wreckage. According to the rules of every novel she had ever read, Deering, having deceived her once, would inevitably continue to deceive her. Yet she knew he hadn’t kept deceiving her.
She tried again to picture her new life. Her friends, of course, would rally about her. But the prospect left her cold; she did not want them to rally. She wanted only one thing—the life she had been living before she had given her baby the embroidered bag to play with. Oh, why had she given him the bag? She had been so happy, they had all been so happy! Every nerve in her clamored for her lost happiness, angrily, unreasonably, as the boy had clamored for his bag! It was horrible to know too much; there was always blood in the foundations. Parents “kept things” from children—protected them from all the dark secrets of pain and evil. And was any life livable unless it were thus protected? Could any one look in the Medusa’s face and live?
She tried again to imagine her new life. Her friends would definitely support her. But the thought of it made her feel empty; she didn’t want their support. All she wanted was the life she had before she gave her baby the embroidered bag to play with. Oh, why did she give him the bag? She had been so happy, they had all been so happy! Every nerve in her body cried out for her lost happiness, angrily and unreasonably, just like the boy had cried for his bag! It was awful to know too much; there was always something dark lurking beneath it all. Parents "kept things" from their children—protected them from the harsh realities of pain and evil. And could any life truly be lived unless it was shielded like that? Could anyone look at Medusa and survive?
But why should she leave the house, since it was hers? Here, with her boy and Andora, she could still make for herself the semblance of a life. It was Deering who would have to go; he would understand that as soon as he saw the letters.
But why should she leave the house, since it was hers? Here, with her son and Andora, she could still create a version of a life for herself. It was Deering who would have to go; he’d realize that as soon as he saw the letters.
She pictured him in the act of going—leaving the house as he had left it just now. She saw the gate closing on him for the last time. Now her vision was acute enough: she saw him as distinctly as if he were in the room. Ah, he would not like returning to the old life of privations and expedients! And yet she knew he would not plead with her.
She imagined him leaving—walking out of the house just like he had a moment ago. She envisioned the gate closing behind him for the last time. Now her perception was sharp: she saw him clearly as if he were right there in the room. Ah, he wouldn’t want to go back to the old life of hardships and makeshift solutions! And yet she knew he wouldn’t beg her to stay.
Suddenly a new thought rushed through her mind. What if Andora had rushed to him with the tale of the discovery of the letters—with the “Fly, you are discovered!” of romantic fiction? What if he had left her for good? It would not be unlike him, after all. Under his wonderful gentleness he was always evasive and inscrutable. He might have said to himself that he would forestall her action, and place himself at once on the defensive. It might be that she had seen him go out of the gate for the last time.
Suddenly, a new thought rushed through her mind. What if Andora had gone to him with the news about the discovery of the letters—with the “Fly, you are discovered!” moment from romantic fiction? What if he really had left her for good? That wouldn't be unlike him, after all. Beneath his wonderful gentleness, he was always evasive and hard to read. He might have told himself to act first and put himself on the defensive. It could be that she had seen him leave the gate for the last time.
She looked about the room again, as if this thought had given it a new aspect. Yes, this alone could explain her husband’s going out. It was past twelve o’clock, their usual luncheon hour, and he was scrupulously punctual at meals, and gently reproachful if she kept him waiting. Only some unwonted event could have caused him to leave the house at such an hour and with such marks of haste. Well, perhaps it was better that Andora should have spoken. She mistrusted her own courage; she almost hoped the deed had been done for her. Yet her next sensation was one of confused resentment. She said to herself, “Why has Andora interfered?” She felt baffled and angry, as though her prey had escaped her. If Deering had been in the house, she would have gone to him instantly and overwhelmed him with her scorn. But he had gone out, and she did not know where he had gone, and oddly mingled with her anger against him was the latent instinct of vigilance, the solicitude of the woman accustomed to watch over the man she loves. It would be strange never to feel that solicitude again, never to hear him say, with his hand on her hair: “Why, you foolish child, were you worried? Am I late?”
She looked around the room again, as if this thought had given it a new look. Yes, this alone could explain why her husband had left. It was past twelve o’clock, their usual lunchtime, and he was always very punctual with meals, and gently complained if she kept him waiting. Only some unusual event could have caused him to leave the house at this hour and in such a hurry. Well, maybe it was better that Andora had spoken up. She didn’t trust her own bravery; she almost wished the action had been taken care of for her. Yet her next feeling was one of mixed resentment. She thought to herself, “Why did Andora interfere?” She felt confused and angry, as though her chance had slipped away. If Deering had been at home, she would have gone to him right away and overwhelmed him with her disdain. But he had gone out, and she didn’t know where he had gone, and strangely mixed with her anger towards him was the instinct to be watchful, the care of a woman who is used to looking out for the man she loves. It would be strange to never feel that care again, to never hear him say, with his hand in her hair: “Why, you silly child, were you worried? Am I late?”
The sense of his touch was so real that she stiffened herself against it, flinging back her head as if to throw off his hand. The mere thought of his caress was hateful; yet she felt it in all her traitorous veins. Yes, she felt it, but with horror and repugnance. It was something she wanted to escape from, and the fact of struggling against it was what made its hold so strong. It was as though her mind were sounding her body to make sure of its allegiance, spying on it for any secret movement of revolt.
The feeling of his touch was so intense that she tensed up, throwing her head back as if to shake off his hand. Just the thought of his caress made her sick; yet she felt it coursing through her veins. Yes, she felt it, but with fear and disgust. It was something she desperately wanted to get away from, and the very act of fighting against it made its grip even stronger. It was as if her mind was checking in with her body to confirm its loyalty, keeping watch for any signs of rebellion.
To escape from the sensation, she rose and went again to the window. No one was in sight. But presently the gate began to swing back, and her heart gave a leap—she knew not whether up or down. A moment later the gate opened slowly to admit a perambulator, propelled by the nurse and flanked by Juliet and Andora. Lizzie’s eyes rested on the familiar group as if she had never seen it before, and she stood motionless, instead of flying down to meet the children.
To shake off the feeling, she got up and went back to the window. There was no one in sight. But soon, the gate started to swing open, and her heart raced—she didn't know if it was excitement or dread. A moment later, the gate opened slowly to let in a stroller, pushed by the nurse and accompanied by Juliet and Andora. Lizzie's eyes lingered on the familiar group as if she had never seen them before, and she stood still instead of rushing down to greet the kids.
Suddenly there was a step on the stairs, and she heard Andora’s agitated knock. She unbolted the door, and was strained to her friend’s emaciated bosom.
Suddenly, there was a noise on the stairs, and she heard Andora’s frantic knock. She unlatched the door and collapsed into her friend’s thin embrace.
“My darling!” Miss Macy cried. “Remember you have your child—and me!”
“My darling!” Miss Macy exclaimed. “Don't forget you have your child—and me!”
Lizzie loosened herself gently. She looked at Andora with a feeling of estrangement which she could not explain.
Lizzie relaxed a bit. She looked at Andora with a sense of distance that she couldn’t quite explain.
“Have you spoken to my husband?” she asked, drawing coldly back.
“Have you talked to my husband?” she asked, pulling away coldly.
“Spoken to him? No.” Andora stared at her in genuine wonder.
“Talked to him? No.” Andora looked at her in genuine surprise.
“Then you haven’t met him since he left me?”
“Then you haven’t seen him since he left me?”
“No, my love. Is he out? I haven’t met him.”
“No, my love. Is he gone? I haven’t met him.”
Lizzie sat down with a confused sense of relief, which welled up to her throat and made speech difficult.
Lizzie sat down with a mixed feeling of relief and confusion, which rose up to her throat and made it hard to talk.
Suddenly light came to Andora. “I understand, dearest. You don’t feel able to see him yourself. You want me to go to him for you.” She looked about her, scenting the battle. “You’re right, darling. As soon as he comes in I’ll go to him. The sooner we get it over the better.”
Suddenly, light filled Andora. “I get it, sweetie. You don’t feel ready to see him yourself. You want me to talk to him for you.” She glanced around, sensing the tension of the battle. “You’re right, babe. As soon as he arrives, I’ll go to him. The sooner we deal with this, the better.”
She followed Lizzie, who without answering her had turned mechanically back to the window. As they stood there, the gate moved again, and Deering entered the garden.
She followed Lizzie, who had turned back to the window without responding. As they stood there, the gate moved again, and Deering entered the garden.
“There he is now!” Lizzie felt Andora’s fervent clutch upon her arm. “Where are the letters? I will go down at once. You allow me to speak for you? You trust my woman’s heart? Oh, believe me, darling,” Miss Macy panted, “I shall know just what to say to him!”
“There he is now!” Lizzie felt Andora’s intense grip on her arm. “Where are the letters? I’ll go down right away. Can I speak for you? Do you trust my intuition? Oh, believe me, darling,” Miss Macy breathed heavily, “I’ll know exactly what to say to him!”
“What to say to him?” Lizzie absently repeated.
“What should I say to him?” Lizzie said absentmindedly.
As her husband advanced up the path she had a sudden trembling vision of their three years together. Those years were her whole life; everything before them had been colorless and unconscious, like the blind life of the plant before it reaches the surface of the soil. They had not been exactly what she dreamed; but if they had taken away certain illusions, they had left richer realities in their stead. She understood now that she had gradually adjusted herself to the new image of her husband as he was, as he would always be. He was not the hero of her dream, but he was the man she loved, and who had loved her. For she saw now, in this last wide flash of pity and initiation, that, as a solid marble may be made out of worthless scraps of mortar, glass and pebbles, so out of mean mixed substances may be fashioned a love that will bear the stress of life.
As her husband walked up the path, she suddenly had a vivid memory of their three years together. Those years were her entire life; everything before them felt dull and unconscious, like a plant that hasn’t broken through the soil yet. They weren’t exactly what she had envisioned, but while they had stripped away some illusions, they had given her richer realities in exchange. She realized now that she had gradually come to accept the true image of her husband as he was, and as he would always be. He wasn’t the hero of her dreams, but he was the man she loved, and who had loved her. In this last moment of clarity and understanding, she saw that just like solid marble can be formed from worthless bits of mortar, glass, and pebbles, a love forged from ordinary, imperfect things can endure the pressures of life.
More urgently, she felt the pressure of Miss Macy’s hand.
More urgently, she felt the pressure of Miss Macy's hand.
“I shall hand him the letters without a word. You may rely, love, on my sense of dignity. I know everything you’re feeling at this moment!”
“I'll give him the letters without saying a word. You can trust, my love, in my sense of dignity. I understand everything you're feeling right now!”
Deering had reached the door-step. Lizzie continued to watch him in silence till he disappeared under the glazed roof of the porch below the window; then she turned and looked almost compassionately at her friend.
Deering had reached the doorstep. Lizzie kept watching him in silence until he disappeared under the glass roof of the porch below the window; then she turned and looked almost sympathetically at her friend.
“Oh, poor Andora, you don’t know anything—you don’t know anything at all!” she said.
“Oh, poor Andora, you don’t know anything—you really don’t know anything!” she said.
THE END
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