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HUMOR, WIT, & SATIRE
OF THE
SEVENTEENTH CENTURY
BY THE SAME AUTHOR.
BY THE SAME AUTHOR.
Crown 8vo, cloth extra, 7s. 6d. each.
Crown 8vo, extra cloth, £7.50 each.
A HISTORY OF THE CHAP-BOOKS OF
THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY.
A HISTORY OF THE CHAP-BOOKS OF
THE 1700s.
With Nearly 400 Illustrations Engraved in Facsimile of the Originals.
With almost 400 illustrations reproduced as facsimiles of the originals.
"Next to a collection of the chap-books themselves, nothing could give a better idea of this branch of the popular literature of the eighteenth century than the volume before us. The author's hope that he has 'succeeded in producing a book at once both amusing and instructive' is fully justified; and his book is certain to remain the standard authority on the subject, and to be consulted by every one who wishes to know what was read in the cottage, and the roadside inn, and the village school in the eighteenth century."—Academy.
"Alongside a collection of the chap-books themselves, nothing better illustrates this aspect of popular literature in the eighteenth century than the volume we have here. The author's hope that he has 'managed to create a book that is both entertaining and informative' is entirely valid; this book will undoubtedly be the go-to reference on the topic, consulted by anyone wanting to learn about what was read in cottages, roadside inns, and village schools in the eighteenth century."—Academy.
"Mr. Ashton knows his subject well, and gives us not only the quaint prose or verse and the still quainter cuts, but also all sorts of collateral information.... The book is a delightful contribution to the history of literature."—Graphic.
"Mr. Ashton knows his subject thoroughly and provides us with not only unique prose or poetry and even more unique illustrations, but also various related information.... The book is a wonderful addition to the history of literature."—Graphic.
SOCIAL LIFE
IN THE REIGN OF QUEEN ANNE.
SOCIAL LIFE
UNDER QUEEN ANNE.
With 84 Illustrations.
With 84 illustrations.
"Mr. Ashton has selected an interesting subject, and has done justice to his choice. There can be no doubt either of Mr. Ashton's diligence in collecting his materials or of his good sense in refraining from intruding himself unnecessarily upon the reader. We are grateful to him both for his industry and his reserve. Even a man who is well versed in the diaries and correspondence of Queen Anne's time will find something that is new to him in every chapter.... On these subjects, and on every curiosity of Queen Anne's reign, Mr. Ashton has much to say, and he tells his story with good taste and without unnecessary amplification. His volumes will serve a double purpose. They will amuse the ordinary reader of the day, and instruct the student of English manners in the habits of a time which has never failed to attract."—Academy.
"Mr. Ashton has chosen an intriguing topic and has done it justice. There’s no doubt about Mr. Ashton’s hard work in gathering his materials or his good judgment in not imposing too much on the reader. We appreciate both his effort and his restraint. Even someone who is well acquainted with the diaries and letters from Queen Anne's era will find something new in every chapter. Mr. Ashton has a lot to share on these topics and all curiosities of Queen Anne's reign, and he presents his narrative with good taste and without unnecessary embellishment. His books will serve two purposes: they will entertain the casual reader today and educate the student of English manners about a period that has always captivated interest."—Academy.
"Mr. Ashton has produced, beyond a doubt, the most accurate and readable picture of social life under Queen Anne that has yet been published.... The book can be opened anywhere and read with pleasure and profit."—Morning Post.
"Mr. Ashton has undoubtedly created the most accurate and engaging portrayal of social life during Queen Anne's reign that has been published so far.... The book can be opened to any page and enjoyed for both pleasure and insight."—Morning Post.
"With commendable diligence Mr. Ashton has assembled a vast number of documents, advertisements, and what not, which he has skilfully grouped in chapters illustrating the education, food, dress, amusements, science, art, and manners of the time. His book is, in fact, a valuable and trustworthy collection of mémoires pour servir. In these pages the reader may wander at will in that lesser London of which Covent Garden and Leicester Square were the centres. With Mr. Ashton's book all things are feasible, provided the reader carry with him a decent amount of curiosity and a fairly good memory. And as Mr. Ashton, with commendable and indeed unusual honesty, gives chapter and verse for his statements, our pilgrim may be moderately sure that his imaginings will possess a certain verisimilitude."—Athenæum.
"With impressive dedication, Mr. Ashton has collected a large number of documents, advertisements, and more, which he has skillfully organized into chapters showcasing the education, food, clothing, entertainment, science, art, and customs of the time. His book is truly a valuable and reliable compilation of mémoires pour servir. In these pages, readers can freely explore that lesser-known London where Covent Garden and Leicester Square were the hubs. With Mr. Ashton's book, everything is possible, as long as the reader brings a decent amount of curiosity and a fairly good memory. And since Mr. Ashton, with commendable and quite unusual honesty, provides specific sources for his claims, our traveler can be reasonably confident that his imaginings will have a certain authenticity."—Athenæum.
CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY, W.
CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY, W.
RICHARD TARLTON.
Humor, Wit, & Satire
of the
17th Century
Collected and Illustrated by
Curated and Illustrated by
JOHN ASHTON
JOHN ASHTON
author of "chap-books of the eighteenth century,"
"social life in the reign of queen anne," etc.
author of "chap-books of the 18th century,"
"social life during Queen Anne's rule,"" etc.
London
CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY
1883
All rights reserved
London
CHATTO & WINDUS, PICCADILLY
1883
All rights reserved
Printed by R. & R. Clark, Edinburgh.
Printed by R. & R. Clark, Edinburgh.
Preface.
Our forefathers delighted to call their country "Merrie England;" and so, in very truth, it was. All sorts of sports and pastimes, such as no other nation can show, were then in use; and even the elders, in their hours of relaxation, were wont to exchange a merry jest with one another.
Our ancestors loved to refer to their country as "Merrie England," and indeed, it truly was. There were all kinds of sports and pastimes that no other nation could match; even the older generation would share a lighthearted joke with each other during their leisure time.
Perhaps some of their jokes lacked the refinement of the present age, but they denoted a keen sense of humour. Many, nay most, cannot be reproduced at the present day, and much has this book suffered therefrom; and it is for this reason that the jest-books and ballads of this century are so little known. Some few have been printed in small editions, either privately, or for dilettante societies; but they are not fit for general perusal, and the public at large know nothing of them. This is specially the case with the ballad literature of the century, which is unusually rich. The Pepys, Roxburghe, Bagford, Luttrell, and other collections, are priceless treasures; but I know no publisher who would be bold enough to reproduce them, in their entirety, for the use of the general public. By this I do not wish to cast any slur, either on the modesty, or morality, of our ancestors; but their ways were not quite as ours.
Maybe some of their jokes didn't have the polish of today, but they showed a sharp sense of humor. Many, if not most, can't be recreated today, and this has hurt this book; that’s why the joke books and ballads of this century are so little known. A few have been printed in small editions, either privately or for niche groups, but they aren't suitable for general reading, and the public knows nothing about them. This is especially true for the ballad literature of the century, which is surprisingly rich. The Pepys, Roxburghe, Bagford, Luttrell, and other collections are invaluable treasures; but I don’t know any publisher who would be bold enough to publish them all for the general public. I don’t mean to cast any shade on the modesty or morality of our ancestors; it’s just that their ways weren't quite like ours.
The Bibliographical Reference, which forms an Appendix, will show the wide range that the humour of this century takes; and this does not exhaust the store by any means. In [pg viii] it I have given, for the use of students, the British Museum Catalogue number of every authority (to save trouble, should they wish to refer to the books); and, to avoid the multiplicity of footnotes, I have placed against each paragraph a number, by means of which (on turning to the reference) the work from which it was taken can at once be seen.
The Bibliographical Reference, which is included as an Appendix, will highlight the diverse range of humor in this century, and this certainly doesn't cover everything. In [pg viii] I've provided, for the benefit of students, the British Museum Catalogue number for each source (to make it easier if they want to check the books); additionally, to minimize the number of footnotes, I've assigned a number to each paragraph, allowing readers to quickly find the original work from which it was taken.
Political satire ought to be a work in itself, so that I have but sparingly used it; and as religious satire hardly comes within the scope of such a book as this, I have but just glanced at it.
Political satire should stand on its own, which is why I've used it only sparingly; and since religious satire doesn't really fit the purpose of a book like this, I've only mentioned it briefly.
In every instance that I have found possible, I have given the tunes of the ballads, taken from the books in which they first appeared, such as The Dancing Master, and Wit and Mirth; also, in two instances, where I could not thus find them, I have taken them from The Ballad Literature and Popular Music of the Olden Time, by W. Chappell, Esq., F.S.A.
In every case where I could, I've provided the tunes of the ballads from the original books where they first appeared, like The Dancing Master and Wit and Mirth; also, in two cases where I couldn't find them this way, I've taken them from The Ballad Literature and Popular Music of the Olden Time by W. Chappell, Esq., F.S.A.
If the perusal of this book gives a tithe part as much pleasure and amusement to the Reader, as it did to me when compiling it, I am more than content with my labour.
If reading this book brings you even a fraction of the pleasure and entertainment it brought me while I was putting it together, I’ll be more than happy with my work.
[1.] There was a man that had been drinking so hard that he could scarse stand upon his feet, yet at night he would go home, and as he went through a green Meadow, neer a hedge side the Bryers held him by the cloaths and the legs, and he had thought that one had holden him, and would have had him to drink more, and he said, Good fellow, let me go, by my troth I can drink no more, I have drank so much already, that I cannot go home; and there he abode all the same night, and on the morrow went his Ways.
[1.] There was a man who had been drinking so heavily that he could hardly stand, yet at night he would go home. As he walked through a green meadow near a hedge, the brambles caught him by his clothes and legs. He thought someone was holding him back, urging him to drink more. He said, "Good buddy, let me go. Honestly, I can't drink anymore. I've had so much already that I can't get home." And there he stayed all night, and the next day he went on his way.
[2.]When Marcus hath Carrowst March beere and sacke,
[2.]When Marcus has Carrowst March beer and sack,
And feels his head grow dizzy therwithall.
And feels his head start to spin because of it.
Then of Tobacco he a pype doth lacke,
Then he lacks a pipe for tobacco,
Of Trinidade in cane, in leafe, or ball,
Of Trinidade in cane, in leaf, or ball,
Which tane a little he doth Speet and Smacke,
Which time he does a little spit and smack,
Then layes him on his bed for feare to fall
Then he lays him on his bed for fear of falling.
And on Tobacco layes the blame of all,
And all the blame falls on tobacco,
But that same pype that Marcus brain did lade
But that same pipe that Marcus’s brain did load
Was of Madera not of Trinidade.
Was of Madera not of Trinidade.
[4.] A Justice of Peace overtaking a Parson upon the Road, between London and Bow, told his Company that he would put a Trick upon him: and so, coming up to him, said, Sir, You don't follow your Master's Rule, for he was content with an Ass, but you have a very fine Horse. The Parson replyed, the reason was, because the King had made so many Asses Justices, that a Clergyman could not get one to Ride on.
[4.] A Justice of the Peace caught up with a Parson on the road between London and Bow and told his companions that he was going to play a trick on him. When he approached the Parson, he said, Sir, you’re not following your Master's Rule, because he was okay with an Ass, but you have a very nice Horse. The Parson replied that the reason was that the King had made so many Asses Justices that a Clergyman couldn't find one to ride.
On a drawer drunk.
Upon the weights of a Clock.
Nonsense.
[3.]Oh that my Lungs could bleat like butter'd Pease;
[3.]Oh, that my lungs could shout like cooked peas;
But bleating of my lungs hath Caught the itch,
But the coughing of my lungs has caught the itch,
And are as mangy as the Irish Seas,
And are as scruffy as the Irish Seas,
That doth ingender windmills on a Bitch.
That creates windmills on a Bitch.
I grant that Rainbowes being lull'd asleep,
I admit that Rainbows are lulled to sleep,
Snort like a woodknife in a Lady's eyes;
Snort like a woodknife in a lady's eyes;
Which makes her grieve to see a pudding creep,
Which makes her sad to see a pudding move,
For Creeping puddings only please the wise.
For Creeping puddings only appeal to the wise.
Not that a hard row'd herring should presume
Not that a hard-rowed herring should assume
To swing a tyth pig in a Cateskin purse;
To swing a tithing pig in a leather purse;
For fear the hailstons which did fall at Rome,
For fear of the hailstones that fell in Rome,
By lesning of the fault should make it worse.
By lessening the fault, it should make it better.
For 'tis most certain Winter woolsacks grow
For it's definitely true that winter wool sacks grow
From geese to swans, if men could keep them so,
From geese to swans, if men could manage to keep them that way,
Till that the sheep shorn Planets gave the hint,
Till the sheep-shorn planets gave the hint,
To pickle pancakes in Geneva print.
To pickle pancakes in Geneva print.
Some men there were that did suppose the skie
Some men there were who thought the sky
Was made of Carbonado'd Antidotes;
Was made of Carbonado Antidotes;
But my opinion is, a Whales left eye,
But in my opinion, a whale's left eye,
Need not be coyned all King Harry groates.
Need not be coined all King Harry coins.
The reason's plain, for Charons Westerne barge
The reason is clear, for Charon's western boat
Running a tilt at the subjunctive mood,
Running a shot at the subjunctive mood,
Beckoned to Bednal Green, and gave him charge
Beckoned to Bednal Green, and gave him the task.
To fasten padlockes with Antartic food.
To fasten padlocks with Antarctic food.
The end will be the Mill ponds must be laded,
The end will be the mill ponds must be loaded,
To fish for white pots in a Country dance;
To fish for white pots at a country dance;
So they that suffered wrong and were upbraded
So those who were wronged and criticized
Shall be made friends in a left handed trance.
Shall become friends in a left-handed trance.
[1.] There was three young men going to Lambeth along by the Water side, and the one plaid with the other, and they cast each others Cap into the water, in such sort as they could not get their Caps again: but over the place where their Caps were, did grow a great old tree, which did Cover a great deale of the Water. One of them said to the rest, Sirs, I have found out a notable way to come by them. First I will make myself fast by the middle, with one of your girdles unto the tree, and he that is with you shall hang fast upon my girdle, and he that is last shall take hold on him that holds fast on my girdle, and so with one of his hands he may take up all our caps and cast them on the sand. And so they did; but when they thought that they had been most secure and fast, he that was above felt his girdle slack, and said, Soft, sirs, my girdle slacketh; make it fast quickly, said they, but as he was untying it to make it faster they fell all three into the water, and were well washed for their pains.
[1.] There were three young men heading to Lambeth along the riverside, and one of them was messing around with the others, tossing each other's hats into the water in a way that made it impossible for them to retrieve them. But right where their hats landed, there was a big old tree that shaded a good part of the water. One of them said to the others, "Guys, I’ve figured out a clever way to get them back. First, I'll tie myself by the waist with one of your belts to the tree. The one with you can hang onto my belt, and the last person can grab onto the one holding onto my belt. That way, with one hand, he can reach down to grab all our hats and toss them onto the shore." So they did it, but just when they thought they were secure and steady, the guy who was up high felt his belt loosening and said, "Hold on, guys, my belt is coming loose." "Quick, tighten it!" they replied, but as he was untying it to make it tighter, all three of them fell into the water and got thoroughly soaked for their trouble.
Of Lynus borrowing.
And sware G— d—- him, hee'd repai't to morrow.
And swear God damn him, he'd repair tomorrow.
I knew his word as current as his band
I knew his words were as fresh as his music.
And straight I gave to him three crownes in hand;
And right away, I handed him three crowns in cash;
This I to give, this he to take was willing
This I give, this he is willing to take.
And thus he gain'd, and I sav'd fifteene shilling.
And so he gained, and I saved fifteen shillings.
The Woman in the Field
and
The Man at the Chicken Coop.
Or, a fine way to cure a Cot Quean—.
Or, a great way to deal with a Cot Quean—.
The Tune is, I have for all good Wives a Song.—
The song is, I have for all good wives a song.—
Both Men and Women listen well,
Both men and women listen well,
A merry Jest I will you tell,
A funny story I will tell you,
Betwixt a Good man and his Wife,
Between a good man and his wife,
Who fell the other day at strife:
Who fell the other day during the conflict:
He chid her for her Huswivery,
He scolded her for her housekeeping,
And she found fault as well as he,
And she criticized just like he did,
With him for's work without the door,
With him working outside the door,
Quoth he (we'l quarrel thus no more)
Quoth he (we'll argue like this no more)
Sith you and I cannot agree,
Sith you and I cannot agree,
Let's change the work. Content, quoth she,
Let's change the work. Content, she said,
My Wheel and Distaffe here take thow,
My Wheel and Distaff take this time,
And I will drive the Cart and Plow.
And I'll drive the cart and plow.
This was concluded 'twixt them both,
This was decided between them both,
To Cart and Plow the good-wife goeth,
To the cart and plow the good wife goes,
The Good man he at home doth tarry,
The good man stays at home,
To see that nothing doth miscarry.
To ensure that nothing goes wrong.
An apron he before him put,
An apron he put on in front of him,
Judge, was not this a handsome slut.
Judge, wasn't she a beautiful woman?
He fleets1 the Milk, he makes the Chese,
He quickly processes the milk; he makes the cheese,
He gropes2 the Hens, the Ducks, & Geese,
He reaches out to touch the hens, ducks, and geese,
He Brews and Bakes as well as he Can,
He brews and bakes as best as he can,
But not as it should be done, poor man:
But not the way it should be done, poor guy:
As he did make his Cheese one day,
As he was making his cheese one day,
Two Pigs their Bellies broke with whey;
Two pigs' bellies burst from drinking whey;
Nothing that he in hand did take,
Nothing that he took in hand,
Did come to good; once he did Bake,
Did come to good; once he did Bake,
And burnt the Bread as black as a stock,
And burned the bread as black as coal,
Another time he went to Rock
Another time he went to Rock
The Cradle, and threw the child o' th' floor,
The Cradle, and threw the child on the floor,
And broke his Nose, and hurt it sore.
And broke his nose, and it hurt a lot.
He went to milk one Eventide
He went to milk one evening.
A Skittish Cow on the wrong side,
A skittish cow on the wrong side,
His pail was full of Milk, God wot,
His bucket was full of milk, God knows,
She Kickt and spilt it every jot.
She kicked and spilled it completely.
Besides she hit him a blost o' th' face
Besides, she slapped him across the face.
Which was scant well in six weeks space.
Which was barely enough in six weeks’ time.
Thus was he served, and yet too well
Thus was he treated, and yet too well
And more mischances yet befell.
And more bad luck happened.
Before his apron he'd leave off,
Before he took off his apron,
Though all his neighbours did him scoff.
Though all his neighbors mocked him.
Now list and mark one pretty jest,
Now list and highlight one nice joke,
'Twill make you laugh above all the rest,
It'll make you laugh more than anything else,
As he to churn his Butter went,
As he went to churn his butter,
One Morning with a good intent,
One morning with good vibes,
The Cot3 Quean fool did surely dream,
For he had quite forgot the Cream,
For he had completely forgotten the Cream,
He churn'd all Day with all his might,
He worked hard all day with all his strength,
And yet he could get no Butter at night.
And yet he couldn't get any butter at night.
'Twere strange indeed for me to utter
'Twas strange indeed for me to say
That without Creame he should make Butter.
That he should make butter without cream.
Now having shew'd his huswivery,
Now having shown his domestic skills,
Who did all things thus untowardly,
Who did all these things so poorly,
Unto the good-wife I'll turn my Rhime,
Unto the good wife I'll shift my rhyme,
And tell you how she spent her time;
And I'll tell you how she spent her time;
She us'd to drive the Cart and Plow,
She used to drive the cart and plow,
But do't well she Knew not how,
But she didn’t really know how.
She made so many banks i' th' ground,
She made so many banks in the ground,
He been better have given five pound
He would have been better off giving five pounds.
That she had never ta'ne in hand
That she had never taken in hand
So sorely did she spoil the Land.
So badly did she ruin the Land.
As she did go to Sow likewise,
As she went to Sow too,
She made a Feast for Crows and Pies,
She prepared a feast of crows and pies,
She threw away a hanful at a Place,
She threw away a handful at a place,
And left all bare another Space.
And left another area completely exposed.
At the Harrow she could not rule the Mare
At the Harrow, she couldn't control the Mare.
But hid one Land, and left two bare.
But he hid one piece of land and left two exposed.
And shortly after, one a day,
And soon after, one each day,
As she came home with a Load of Hay
As she got home with a load of hay
She overthrew it, nay, and worse
She brought it down, no, and even worse
She broke the Cart, and Kill'd a Horse:
She broke the cart and killed a horse:
The good-man that time had ill luck,
The good man who had bad luck with time,
He let in the Sow, and Kill'd a Duck,
He let the sow in and killed a duck,
And being grieved at his heart,
And feeling down,
For loss on's Duck, his Horse and Cart,
For the loss of his duck, his horse, and his cart,
The many hurts on both sides done,
The many injuries on both sides inflicted,
His eyes did with salt water run;
His eyes ran with salt water;
Then now, quoth he, full well I see
Then now, he said, I see very clearly
The Wheel's for her, the Plow's for me,
The wheel's for her, the plow's for me,
I thee intreat, quoth he, good-wife,
I urge you, he said, good lady,
To take thy Charge, and all my life
To take your responsibility, and all my life
I'll never meddle with huswivery more,
I'll never get involved in household duties again,
Nor find such faults as I did before;
Nor discover the same flaws I found before;
Give me the Cart Whip and the Frail,
Give me the Cart Whip and the Frail,
Take thou the Churn and Milking pail.
Take the churn and milking pail.
The good-wife she was well content
The good wife was very happy.
And about her Huswivery she went;
And she went about her household duties;
He to Hedging and to Ditching,
He to Hedging and to Ditching,
Heaping, Mowing, Lading, Pitching,
Heaping, Mowing, Loading, Pitching
He would be twatling4 still before,
But after that ne'r twatled more.
But after that, they never talked more.
I wish all Wives that troubled be
I wish all troubled wives well.
With Hose and Doublet Huswivery,
With Hose and Doublet Housekeeping,
To serve them as this Woman did,
To serve them like this woman did,
Then may they work and ne'r be chid.
Then they can work and never be scolded.
Though she i' th' intrim had some loss,
Though she had some loss in the meantime,
Thereby she was eased of a Cross;
Thereby she was relieved of a burden;
Take heed of this you husband men,
Take note of this, you husbands,
Let Wives alone to grope the Hen,
Let wives handle the hen themselves,
And meddle you with Horse and Ox.
And get involved with horses and oxen.
And keep your Lambs safe from the Fox,
And keep your lambs safe from the fox,
So shall you live Contented lives,
So you will live satisfied lives,
And take sweet pleasure in your Wives.
And enjoy your time with your wives.
FINIS.
FINIS.
1 Floats, i.e. skims the cream floating on the milk.
1 Floats, i.e. skims the cream that’s floating on the milk.
2 Feels whether they have eggs.
4 Chattering.
Chit-chat.
5 Published from 1670 to 1690.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Published from 1670 to 1690.
6 From 1650 to 1682.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ From 1650 to 1682.
7 From 1660 to 1680.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ 1660-1680.
8 From 1670 to 1682.
From 1670 to 1682.
[8.] The Marquess of Worcester, calling for a glass of Claret wine, it was told him by his Physician, that Claret wine was naught for his gout; What, said the Marquess, my old friend Claret? nay, give it me in spight of all Physicians and their books, it never shall be said that I forsook my friend for my enemy.
[8.] The Marquess of Worcester asked for a glass of Claret wine, but his doctor told him it was bad for his gout. “What?” said the Marquess, “my old friend Claret? No way, give it to me despite all the doctors and their advice; it will never be said that I abandoned my friend for my enemy.”
On a cowardly Souldier.
Although he be a man of great command;
Although he is a man of great authority;
But gilded spurs do jingle at his heeles;
But shiny spurs do jingle at his heels;
Whose rowels are as big as some coach wheels,
Whose spurs are as big as some coach wheels,
He grac'd them well, for in the Netherlands,
He treated them well, for in the Netherlands,
His heels did him more service than his hands.
His heels were more useful to him than his hands.
On a fly in a glasse.
'Ere with the liquor he his thirst would slake,
'Ere with the drink he would quench his thirst,
When he had drunk his fill, again the fly
When he had drunk his fill, again the fly
Into the glasse he put, and said, though I
Into the glass he poured and said, even though I
Love not flyes in my drink yet others may,
Love does not linger in my drink, but others might.
Whose humour I nor like, nor will gainsay.
Whose humor I neither like nor will argue against.
Upon a Churle that was a great usurer.
[9.]A Chuffe that scarce hath teeth to chew his meate,
[9.]A creature that hardly has teeth to chew its food,
Heares with deafe ears, and sees with glassy eies,
He hears with deaf ears and sees with glassy eyes,
Unto his grave his path doth daily beate,
Unto his grave his path does daily lead,
Or like a logg upon his pallett lies:
Or like a log on his bed lies:
Hath not a thought of God, nor of his grace,
Haven't thought of God or His grace,
Speaks not a word but what intends to gaine,
Speaks not a word except to gain.
Can have no pitty on the poore Mans case,
Can have no pity for the poor man's situation,
But will the hart-strings of the needy straine:
But will the heartstrings of the needy strain:
Cries not till death, and then but gives a groane,
Cries not until death, and then only gives a groan,
To leave his silver, and his golden bags,
To leave his silver and his gold bags,
Then gapes and dies, and with a little moane
Then opens wide and dies, letting out a slight moan.
Is lapped up in a few rotten ragges:
Is soaked up in a few tattered rags:
What will this Clunch fist leave upon his grave?
What will this Clunch fist leave on his grave?
Here lies the Carkasse of a wretched Knave.
Here lies the body of a miserable scoundrel.
[4.] An Arch Wag speaking of the late dreadful Fire of London, said Cannon Street roared, Wood Street was burnt to Ashes, Bread Street was burnt to a Coal, Pie Corner was over bak'd and Snow hill melted down.
[4.] An Arch Wag talking about the terrible Fire of London, said Cannon Street was roaring, Wood Street was reduced to ashes, Bread Street was left as charcoal, Pie Corner was overcooked, and Snow Hill melted away.
[4.] A Highway man being to be hang'd in a Country Town, Order was sent to the Carpenter to make a Gallows; which he neglecting to do, the Execution was forc'd to be defer'd, for which the Judge was not a little angry, who sending for the Carpenter, asked him why he had not done it? Why Sir, said he, I have done two or three already, but was never paid for them; but had I known it had been for your Worship, I would have left all other business to have done it.
[4.] A robber was set to be hanged in a small town. The authorities sent for the carpenter to build a gallows, but he didn't get around to it, so the execution had to be postponed. This made the judge quite angry, and he called the carpenter to ask him why he hadn't completed the task. The carpenter replied, "Well, sir, I've already made two or three gallows, but I was never paid for them. If I had known this one was for you, I would have dropped everything else to get it done."
[3.]Sir Egley More__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_1__ that Brave Knight,
With his fa, la, lanctre down dille;
With his fa, la, lanctre down dille;
He fetcht his sword and he went to fight
He grabbed his sword and went to fight.
With his fa, la, lanctre down dille;
With his fa, la, lanctre down dille;
As he went over hill and dale,
As he traveled over hills and valleys,
All cloathed in his coat of Male,
All dressed in his coat of mail,
With his fa, la, lanctre down dille.
With his fa, la, lanctre down dille.
A huge great Dragon leapes out of his Den,
A huge dragon leaps out of its den,
With his &c.
With his etc.
Which had kill'd the Lord knowes how many men,
Which had killed Lord knows how many men,
With his &c.
With his etc.
But when he saw Sir Egly More,
But when he saw Sir Egly More,
Good lack had you seen how this Dragon did roare
Good grief, had you seen how this dragon roared!
With his &c.
With his etc.
This Dragon he had on a plaguy hide,
This dragon he had on a nasty hide,
With his &c.
With his etc.
Which could both sword and speare abide,
Which could both sword and spear endure,
All the trees in the wood did shake,
All the trees in the woods shook,
With his &c.
With his etc.
Stars did tremble and man did quake,
Stars flickered and people trembled,
With his &c.
With his etc.
But had you seen how the birds lay peeping,
But if you had seen how the birds were peeking,
'Twould have made a mans heart to a' fallen a weeping.
'It would have made a man's heart fall into weeping.
With his &c.
With his etc.
But now it was too late to feare,
But now it was too late to be afraid,
With his &c.
With his etc.
For now it was come to fight dog, fight beare,
For now it was time to fight the dog, fight the bear,
With his &c.
With his etc.
And as a yawning he did fall,
And as he yawned, he fell,
He thrust his sword in, hilts and all.
He plunged his sword in, handle and all.
With his &c.
With his etc.
With his &c.
With his etc.
He ow'd the Dragon a shrewd good turne;
He owed the Dragon a significant favor;
With his &c.
With his etc.
In at his mouth his sword he bent,
In his mouth, he bent his sword,
The hilt appeared at his fundament.
The handle was visible at his rear.
With his &c.
With his etc.
Then the Dragon like a Coward began to fly,
Then the Dragon, acting like a coward, started to fly,
With his &c.
With his etc.
Unto his Den that was hard by.
Unto his den that was nearby.
With his &c.
With his etc.
And there he laid him down and roar'd;
And there he lay down and roared;
The Knight was vexed for his sword,
The Knight was annoyed about his sword,
With his &c.
With his etc.
The Sword it was a right good blade,
The sword was a really good blade,
With his &c.
With his etc.
As ever Turk or Spaniard made;
As always, Turk or Spaniard made;
With his &c.
With his etc.
I for my part do forsake it,
I, for my part, reject it,
And he that will fetch it, let him take it.
And whoever wants to go get it, let them do it.
With his &c.
With his etc.
When all this was done to the Ale house he went,
When all of this was finished, he went to the pub,
With his &c.
With his etc.
And by and by his two pence he spent;
And eventually, he spent his two pence;
With his &c.
With his etc.
For he was so hot with tugging with the Dragon,
For he was so exhausted from wrestling with the Dragon,
That nothing could quench him but a whole Flagon.
That nothing could satisfy him but a whole jug.
With his &c.
With his etc.
Now God preserve our King and Queen,
Now may God protect our King and Queen,
With his &c.
With his etc.
And eke in London may be seene,
And also in London can be seen,
With his &c.
With his etc.
As many Knights, and as many more,
As many knights and even more,
And all as good as Sir Eglemore.
And just as good as Sir Eglemore.
With his &c.
With his etc.
10 Choler, anger.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Rage, anger.
[1.] There was a Fryer in London, which did use to go often to the house of an old woman, but ever when he came to her house, she hid all the meat she had. On a time this Fryer came to her house (bringing certain Company with him) and demanded of the Wife if she had any meat. And she [pg 11] said, Nay. Well, quoth the Fryer, have you not a whetstone? Yea (qd. the Woman) Marry, qd. he, I would make meat thereof. Then she brought a whetstone. He asked her likewise if she had not a Frying-pan. Yea, said she, but what the devil will ye do therewith? Marry (said the Fryer) you shall see by and by what I will do with it; and when he had the pan, he set it on the fire, and put the whetstone therein. Cocks body, said the woman, you will burn the pan. No, no, qd. the Fryer, if you will give me some eggs, it will not burn at all. But she would have had the pan from him, when that she saw it was in danger; yet he would not let her, but still urged her to fetch him some eggs, which she did. Tush said the Fryer, here are not enow, go fetch ten or twelve. So the good Wife was constrayned to fetch more for feare lest the Pan should burn; And when he had them, he put them in the Pan. Now, qd he, if you have no butter the pan will burn, and the eggs too. So the good wife being very loth to have her pan burnt, and the eggs lost, she fetcht him a dish of butter, the which he put into the pan, and made good meat thereof, & brought to the table, saying, Much good may it do you my Masters, now may you say, you have eaten of a buttered Whetstone. Whereat all the Company laughed, but the woman was exceeding angry because the Fryer had subtilly beguiled her of her meat.
[1.] There was a fryer in London who often visited an old woman's house, but every time he arrived, she hid all her meat. One day, this fryer came to her house (bringing some company with him) and asked the woman if she had any meat. She replied no. The fryer then asked her if she had a whetstone. "Yes," said the woman. "Well," he said, "I can make meat out of that." So she brought him a whetstone. He also asked her if she had a frying pan. "Yes," she said, "but what on earth are you going to do with it?" "You'll see soon enough," said the fryer. He took the pan, placed it on the fire, and put the whetstone inside. "Oh my, you'll burn the pan!" said the woman. "No, no," replied the fryer, "if you give me some eggs, it won't burn at all." She tried to take the pan back, fearing it would be damaged, but he wouldn't let her and kept insisting she fetch him some eggs, which she did. "This isn't enough," said the fryer, "go get ten or twelve." So, worried that the pan would burn, the good woman had to fetch more. When he had the eggs, he put them in the pan. "Now," he said, "if you don't have any butter, the pan will burn and the eggs too." Reluctant to lose her pan and the eggs, the woman got him a dish of butter, which he added to the pan and made a good meal out of it, bringing it to the table, saying, "Enjoy, my friends, now you can say you've eaten from a buttered whetstone." Everyone laughed, but the woman was extremely angry because the fryer had cleverly tricked her out of her meat.
The Devill and the Fryar.
Who though he sold his soul cheated the buyer.
Who, although he sold his soul, outsmarted the buyer.
The devill was promist if he would supply,
The devil was promised if he would supply,
The Fryar with Coyn at his necessity,
The priest with coins when he needed them,
When all the debts he ow'd discharg'd were quite,
When all the debts he owed were fully paid,
The Devill should have his soul as his by right;
The Devil should have his soul as his rightful possession;
The Devill defray'd all scores, payd all; at last
The Devil covered all the costs and paid everything; in the end
Demanded for his due, his soul in haste:
Demanded what was rightfully his, his soul rushed:
The Fryar return'd this answer, if I owe
The Fryar replied, “If I owe
You any debts at all, then you must know
You have any debts at all, then you need to know
I am indebted still, if nothing be
I still owe something, if nothing else.
Due unto you, why do you trouble me?
Due unto you, why are you bothering me?
On Battus.
His studies maw holds more than well it may,
His studies may hold more than it seems.
But seld' or never he upon them looks,
But seldom or never does he look at them,
And yet he looks upon them every day,
And yet he sees them every day,
He looks upon their out side, but within
He looks at their outside, but inside
He never looks nor never will begin:
He never looks and never will start:
Because it cleane against his nature goes
Because it goes against his nature
To know mens secrets, so he keeps them Close.
To know a man's secrets, he keeps them hidden.
The
Unconscionable Batchelors of DARBY,
or the
or the
Young Lasses Pawn'd by their Sweethearts, for a large
Reckoning, at Nottingham Goose Fair; where
poor Susan was forced to pay the Shot.
Young women pledged by their boyfriends for a big bill at the Nottingham Goose Fair; where poor Susan had to cover the costs.
To the Tune of To thee, To thee &c.
To the Tune of To thee, To thee &c.
a merry new ditty here I write,
a cheerful new song I’m writing here,
I know it will make you laugh and smile,
I know it will make you laugh and smile,
for every line affords delight:
every line brings joy:
The Lasses of Darby with young Men,
The Girls of Darby with Young Men,
they went to Goose Fair for recreation,
they went to Goose Fair for fun,
But how these Sparks did serve them then,
But how these sparks helped them then,
is truly worth your observation,
is definitely worth your attention,
Truly, truly worth your observation,
Definitely worth your attention,
therefore I pray observe this Ditty;
therefore I ask you to pay attention to this song;
The Maids did complain they came there in vain
The maids complained that they were there for nothing.
and was not, was not that a pity.
and wasn't that a shame.
So soon as they came into the Fair,
So soon as they arrived at the Fair,
The Batchelors made them conjues11 low,
And bid them a thousand welcomes there,
And give them a thousand welcomes there,
this done to a tippling school they go;
this done to a drinking school they go;
How pleasant was honest Kate and Sue,
How delightful were honest Kate and Sue,
believing they should be richly treated,
believing they deserve to be treated well,
But, Neighbours and Friends, as I am true;
But, neighbors and friends, as I am being honest;
no Lasses ever was so cheated;
no girls have ever been so cheated;
Cheated, cheated, very farely cheated,
Cheated, cheated, very fairly cheated,
as you may note by this new Ditty;
as you might notice from this new song;
They were left alone, to make their moan,
They were left alone to express their sorrow,
and was not, was not that a pity?
isn't that a pity?
The innocent Lasses fair and gay,
The innocent girls, cheerful and lively,
concluded the Men was kind and free,
concluded the men were kind and free,
Because they pass'd the time away,
Because they used their time,
a plenty of cakes and ale they see;
a lot of cakes and ale they see;
For sider and mead they then did call,
For cider and mead, they then called,
and whatever else the House afforded,
and anything else the House provided,
But Susan was forc'd to pay for all,
But Susan had to pay for everything,
out of the mony she had hoarded,
out of the money she had saved,
Hoarded, hoarded, mony she had hoarded;
Hoarded, hoarded, money she had saved;
it made her sing a doleful Ditty,
it made her sing a sad song,
And so did the rest with grief opprest,
And so did the rest, weighed down by grief,
and was not, was not that a pity?
and was it not, was it not a shame?
Young Katy she seemed something Coy,
Young Katy seemed a bit shy,
because she would make them eager grow,
because she would encourage them to grow eager,
As knowing thereby she might enjoy
As she knew, she could enjoy
what beautiful Damsels long to know,
what beautiful ladies long to know,
On complements they did not stand,
On complements they did not agree,
nor did they admire their charming features;
nor did they appreciate their attractive features;
For they had another game in hand,
For they had another game to play,
which was to pawn these pretty creatures,
which was to sell these pretty creatures,
Creatures, creatures, loving, loving Creatures,
Creatures, creatures, love, love Creatures,
which was so charming, fair, and pretty;
which was so charming, beautiful, and lovely;
The Men sneak'd away, and nothing did pay,
The guys sneaked away, and nothing paid off,
and was not, was not, that a pity?
and wasn't, wasn't that a pity?
Though out of the door they enter'd first,
Though they went out the door first,
and left them tipling there behind,
and left them laughing there behind,
Those innocent Maids did not mistrust,
Those naive maids didn’t suspect,
that Batchelors could be so unkind.
that bachelors could be so unkind.
Quoth Susan, I know their gone to buy
Quoth Susan, I know they're gone to buy
the fairings which we did so require,
the fairings we needed,
And they will return I know, for why,
And I know they'll come back, because why,
they do our youthful charms admire;
they admire our youthful appeal;
Therefore, therefore, stay a little longer,
Therefore, therefore, stay a little longer,
and I will sing you a pleasant Ditty,
and I will sing you a nice song,
But when they found they were catch'd in the pound,
But when they realized they were trapped in the pound,
they sigh'd and weep'd the more's the pity.
they sighed and cried, how unfortunate.
Now finding the Men return'd no more,
Now finding the men have not returned,
and that the good People would not trust,
and that the good people would not trust,
They presently call'd to know the Score,
They currently called to find out the score,
it chanc'd to be fifteen shilling just:
it happened to be fifteen shillings exactly:
Poor Kate had but five pence in her purse,
Poor Kate had only five pence in her purse,
but Sue had a crown besides a guinney;
but Sue had a crown in addition to a guinea;
And since the case had happen'd thus,
And since the situation had happened this way,
poor Soul she paid it e'ry penny,
poor Soul she paid it every penny,
Penny, Penny, e'ry, e'ry penny,
Penny, Penny, every, every penny,
tho' with a sad and doleful Ditty
though with a sad and sorrowful song
Said she, for this I had not a kiss,
Said she, because of this, I didn't get a kiss,
and was not, was not that a pity?
and was not, was that a shame?
11 Congées, low bows.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Sick leave, low bows.
12 James Bissel lived at the Bible and Harp, by the Hospital Gate, and published between 1685 and 1695.
12 James Bissel lived at the Bible and Harp, near the Hospital Gate, and published works between 1685 and 1695.
[1.] There was a Priest in the Country, which had christned a Child; and when he had christned it, he and the clark were bidden to the drinking that should be there, and thither they went with other people, and being there, the Priest drunk and made so merry that he was quite foxed,13 and thought to go home before he laid him down to sleep; but having gone a little way, he grew so drowsie, that he could go no further, but laid him down by a ditch side, so that his feet did hang in the water, and lying on his back, the Moon shined in his face: thus he lay till the rest of the Company came from drinking, who as they came home found the Priest lying as aforesaid, and they thought to get him away, but do what they could he would not rise, but said, Do not meddle with me, for I lie very well, I will not stir hence before morning, but I pray you lay some more cloathes on my feet, and blow out the Candle, and let me lie and take my rest.
[1.] There was a priest in the area who had just baptized a child. After the baptism, he and the clerk were invited to the celebration, and they went along with the others. While there, the priest drank and had such a good time that he got completely wasted,13 and decided to head home before he passed out. However, after walking a short distance, he became so sleepy that he couldn't go any further and laid down by the side of a ditch, his feet hanging in the water. Lying on his back, he had the moon shining in his face. He remained there until the rest of the group returned from the celebration. When they found the priest lying there, they tried to help him up, but no matter what they did, he wouldn't get up. He said, "Don't bother me; I'm comfortable lying here. I won't move until morning, but please put some more clothes on my feet, blow out the candle, and let me get some rest."
13 Drunk.
Intoxicated.
In Getam.
Swelling and Swelling to a gentleman;
Swelling and Swelling to a guy;
When he was gentleman, and bravely dight,
When he was a gentleman, and dressed boldly,
He left not swelling till he was a knight;
He didn't stop growing until he became a knight;
At last forgetting what he was at first,
At last forgetting who he used to be,
He swole to be a Lord . . . and then he burst.
He became a Lord . . . and then he exploded.
On Button a Sexton making a grave.
[4.] Two Sparks standing together in the Cloysters, seeing a pretty Lady pass by, says one of them, There goes the handsomest Lady that I ever saw in my Life; She hearing him, turned back, and seeing him very ugly, said, Sir I would I could in way of Requital say as much of you. Faith, says he, so you may, and Lye as I did.
[4.] Two Sparks standing together in the Cloisters saw a pretty lady pass by. One of them said, There goes the most beautiful lady I've ever seen in my life. She heard him, turned around, and seeing he was very ugly, replied, Sir, I wish I could, in return, say the same about you. Well, he said, you can, and just lie like I did.
On Jack Wiseman.
Proclaims his wit, he's much to blame,
Proclaims his cleverness, he's largely at fault,
To doe the Proverb so much wrong,
To do the proverb so much wrong,
Which sayes he's wise that holds his tongue;
Which says he's wise who keeps quiet;
Which makes me contradict the Scooles,
Which makes me contradict the Schools,
And apt to thinke the wise men fools,
And likely to think the wise men are fools,
Yet pardon Jack, I hear that now
Yet forgive Jack, I hear that now
Thou'rt wed, and must thy wit allow,
You're married, and you have to use your sense.
That by a strange œnigma can,
That by a strange enigma can,
Make a light Woman a Wiseman.
Make a wise woman.
Of a Woman's Kindnesse to her Husband.
[6.]One that had lived long by lewdest shifts,
[6.]One who had survived for a long time through the most immoral tricks,
Brought to the Court that Corne from Cockle14 sifts
Brought to the Court that Corne from Cockle14 sifts
Adiudged, first to lye a yeere in fetters,
Adiudged, first to lie a year in chains,
Then burned in his forhead with two letters,
Then burned in his forehead with two letters,
And to disparage him with more disgrace,
And to insult him even more,
To slit his nose, the figure of his face.
To cut his nose, the shape of his face.
The prisoners wife with no dishonest mind,
The prisoner’s wife, with a clear conscience,
To shew herselfe unto her husband kind,
To show kindness to her husband,
Sued humbly to the Lords, and would not cease,
Sued humbly to the Lords, and would not stop,
Some part of this sharp rigour to release.
Some part of this strict intensity to let go.
He was a man (she said) had serv'd in Warre,
He was a man (she said) who had served in war,
What mercy would a Souldiers face so marre.
What mercy would a soldier's face so marred?
Thus much said she, but gravely they replied,
Thus much she said, but they replied seriously,
It was great mercy that he thus was tried:
It was a great mercy that he was tested this way:
His crimes deserve he should have lost his life,
His crimes deserve that he should have lost his life,
And hang in chaines; Alas, reply'd the wife,
And hanging in chains; Oh no, the wife replied,
If you disgrace him thus, you quite undo him,
If you shame him like this, you completely ruin him,
Good my Lords, hang him, pray be good unto him.
Good my Lords, hang him, please be kind to him.
14 The Agrostemna githago, Linn.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ The Agrostemma githago, Linn.
[1.] There were once too men that were both masterless and moneyless, & one said to the other, What remedy canst thou now find out, that we may either get some meat or money? By my troth (qd. the other) I do know a very fine shift, (& being very early in the morning they espyed a man coming with Hogs). Lo, yonder cometh a man with Hogs, and I will tell him that they be sheep, and I will cause him to lay a Wager with me, whether they be Sheep or Hogs: & I will cause the matter to be judged by the next man that cometh, but then thou must go another way & meet with us; when we demand of thee whether they be sheep or hogs, thou must say that they be sheep. Then they separated themselves the one from the other, and the one went to meet the man that had the Swine, bidding him good morrow; the man doing the like to him again. Then he said to the old man, Father, where had you your fair sheep. What sheep qd the man; these sheep that you drive before you: Why, qd the old man, they are swine. What (qd. the other) will you make me a fool? think you I know not Sheep from Swine? Marry (qd. the old man) I will lay one of my Swine against what thou wilt, that they be no Sheep. I hold thee my coat against one of thy sheep qd. the other. I am content qd the old man, by whom shall we be tryed? By the next man that meets us. Content, said the old man; and then they perceived the man coming being the fellow of the young man. And when he came to them the old man requested him to tel them what beasts those were? Why (qd. he) they be sheep, do you not know sheep? I told him so (qd. the other young man) but he would not believe me, so I laid my Coat upon a Wager that they were sheep, and he laid me one of his sheep against my Coat that they were Swine; and I won it have I not? Yea (qd. the old man,) but God help me, I bought them for Swine. And then the young man took one of the fattest hogs he could find amongst them all, & carryed him away, and his fellow went another way, as though he had not known him, and the poore man returned again to the place where he had bought them.
[1.] There were once two men who had no master and no money. One said to the other, "What can we do to either get some food or make some money?" "Honestly," the other replied, "I know a clever trick." Early in the morning, they spotted a man coming with pigs. "Look, there’s a man with pigs," said the first man. "I'll tell him they’re sheep, and I’ll get him to bet with me on whether they’re sheep or pigs. We’ll judge it by the next person who comes by. But you need to go another way and meet us later. When we ask you whether they’re sheep or pigs, you have to say they’re sheep." They split up, and one went to meet the man with the pigs, greeting him. The man returned the greeting. Then he asked the old man, "Sir, where did you get your nice sheep?" "What sheep?" replied the man. "These sheep you’re herding," said the first man. "They’re pigs," said the old man. "What, do you think I'm a fool? Do you think I can’t tell sheep from pigs?" "I’ll bet you one of my pigs against whatever you want that they’re not sheep," said the old man. "I’ll wager my coat against one of your sheep," replied the other. "That’s fine," the old man said. "How will we decide?" "By the next person who comes along." "Sounds good," said the old man. Soon, they saw the man approaching, who was a companion of the young man. When he arrived, the old man asked him to tell them what animals they were. "Well, they’re sheep. Don’t you know sheep?" answered the man. "I told him that," said the young man, "but he wouldn’t believe me, so I bet my coat that they were sheep, and he bet me one of his pigs that they were pigs, and I won, didn’t I?" "Yes," said the old man, "but I swear I bought them as pigs." Then the young man picked the fattest pig he could find and took it away, while his companion went the other way as if he didn’t know him, and the poor man returned to where he had bought them.
What became of him afterward I cannot tell: only thus much I know, that he was deceived by those two crafty fellows [pg 18] of one of his hogs. But they immediately met one the other again, and sold the hog for Money, and rejoyced that they fared so well (not knowing how to have otherwise sustained their wants).
What happened to him afterward, I can't say: I only know that he was tricked by those two sneaky guys [pg 18] into giving up one of his pigs. But they quickly ran into each other again, sold the pig for cash, and celebrated their good fortune, clueless about how else they would have met their needs.
Of Marcus.
Unto his friend at the appointed day:
Unto his friend on the scheduled day:
'Twere superstition for a man he sayes,
'Twas superstition for a man he says,
To be a strict observer of set dayes.
To strictly adhere to certain days.
How plain dealing is overthrown,
How straightforward dealing is undone,
That let a man do the best that he may,
That allows a person to do their best.
An idle huswife will work his decay,
An idle housewife will cause his downfall,
Yet art is no burthen; tho ill we may speed,
Yet art is not a burden; even if we don't do well,
Our labour will help us in time of our need.
Our work will support us when we need it.
To the Tune of Young Man remember delights are but vain.
To the Tune of Young Man remember delights are but vain.
There was a poor Smith liv'd in a poor town,
There was a poor Smith living in a poor town,
That had a loving wife bonny and brown,
That had a beautiful, caring wife.
And though he were very discreet and wise,
And even though he was very careful and smart,
Yet he would do nothing without her advice;
Yet he wouldn't do anything without her advice;
His stock it grew low, full well did he know,
His stocks were running low, he knew that well,
He told his wife what he intended to do,
He told his wife what he planned to do,
Quoth he, sweet wife, if I can prevail,
Quoth he, sweet wife, if I can succeed,
I will shoo horses, and thou shalt sell Ale.
I will shoo horses, and you will sell ale.
I see by my labour but little I thrive,
I notice that I don't benefit much from my hard work,
And that against the stream I do strive
And I struggle against the current
By selling of Ale some money is got,
By selling ale, some money is made,
If every man honestly pay for his pot:
If every man honestly pays for his drink:
By this we may keep the wolf from the door,
By this, we can keep the wolf at bay,
And live in good fashion though now we live poor,
And live well even though we're currently poor,
If we have good custom, we shall have quick sale,
If we follow good practices, we'll have a fast selling process,
So may we live bravely by selling of Ale.
So let's live boldly by selling ale.
Kind husband, quoth she, let be as you said,
Kind husband, she said, let's do as you suggested,
It is the best motion that ever you made,
It’s the best move you’ve ever made,
A dozen of good white bread in my Bin;
A dozen slices of good white bread in my bin;
Tobacco likewise we must not forget,
Tobacco, we also shouldn't ignore,
Men will call for it when malt's above wheat.
Men will ask for it when malt is more valuable than wheat.
When once it is known, then ore hill and dale,
When it’s known, then every hill and valley,
Men will come flocking to taste of our Ale.
Men will come flocking to sample our ale.
They sent for a wench, her name it was Besse,
They called for a girl, and her name was Besse,
They took in good Ale, and many things mo,
They enjoyed good ale and many other things.
The Smith had got him two strings to his bow:
The Smith had given him two backup options:
Good fellows came in, and began for to rore,
Good fellows came in and started to roar,
The Smith he was never so troubled before,
The Smith was never this troubled before,
But quoth the good wife, sweet hart do not rayl,
But said the good wife, sweetheart, don't complain,
These things must be, if we sell Ale.
These things need to happen if we sell ale.
The Smith went to his work every day,
The Smith went to work every day,
But still one or other would call him away,
But still, one or the other would call him away,
For now he had got him the name of an Host,
For now, he had given him the name of a host,
It cost him many a Pot and a Toste.
It cost him many a drink and a toast.
Beside much precious time he now lost,
Beside the precious time he was losing,
And thus the poor Smith was every day crost,
And so the poor Smith was troubled every day,
But quoth the good wife, sweet hart do not rayl
But said the good wife, "Sweetheart, don't complain."
These things must be if we sell Ale.
These things have to happen if we sell Ale.
Men run on the score, and little they paid,
Men run on the score, and little they paid,
Which made the poor Smith be greatly dismaied,
Which made poor Smith really upset,
And bonny Besse though she were not slack
And pretty Besse even though she wasn't lazy
To welcome her guesse, yet things went to wrack;
To welcome her guests, but things fell apart;
For she would exchange a pot for a kisse,
For she would trade a pot for a kiss,
Which any fellow should seldom times misse.
Which any person should rarely miss.
But quoth the good Wife, sweet hart do not rayl,
But said the good Wife, sweet heart, don't insult,
These things must be if we sell Ale.
These things must happen if we sell Ale.
The Smith went abroad, at length hee came home,
The Smith went abroad, and eventually he came home,
And found his maid and man in a room,
And found his maid and man in a room,
Both drinking together foot to foot,
Both drinking together foot to foot,
To speak unto them he thought was no boot:
To talk to them, he thought, was pointless:
For they were both drunk and could not reply,
For they were both drunk and couldn't respond,
To make an excuse as big as a lye.
To make an excuse as big as a lie.
But quoth the good wife, sweet hart do not rayl,
But said the good wife, sweet heart, do not complain,
These things must be if we sell Ale.
These things must happen if we sell Ale.
He came home again and there he did see
He came home again, and there he saw
His Wife kindly sitting on a man's knee,
His wife was pleasantly sitting on a man's knee,
And though he said little, yet he thought the more,
And even though he didn't say much, he thought a lot more.
And who can blame the poor Wittall therfore.
And who can blame the poor Wittall, therefore.
He hug'd her and kist her though Vulcan stood by,
He hugged her and kissed her even though Vulcan stood by,
Which made him to grumble, and look all awry.
Which made him grumble and look all annoyed.
But quoth the good wife, sweet hart do not rayl,
But said the good wife, sweet heart, don’t complain,
These things must be, if we sell Ale.
These things have to happen if we're selling Ale.
A Sort of Saylers were drinking one night,
A group of sailors was drinking one night,
And when they were drunk began for to fight,
And when they were drunk, they started to fight,
The Smith came to part them, as some do report,
The Smith came to separate them, as some say,
And for his good will was beat in such sort
And for his goodwill was beaten in such a way
That he could not lift his arms to his head,
That he couldn’t lift his arms to his head,
Nor yet very hardly creep up to his bed.
Nor could he very easily climb up to his bed.
But quoth the good wife, sweet hart do not rayl,
But said the good wife, sweetheart, don’t scold,
These things must be if we sell Ale.
These things need to happen if we sell ale.
The Smith by chance a good fellow had met,
The Smith happened to meet a nice guy,
That for strong Ale was much in his debt,
That he owed a lot for strong ale,
He ask't him for money; quoth he, by your leave,
He asked him for money; he said, with your permission,
I owe you no money, nor none you shall have.
I owe you no money, and you won't get any from me.
I owe to your wife, and her I will pay;
I owe your wife, and I will pay her back;
The Smith he was vext and departed away.
The Smith was upset and left.
Alas who can blame him, if now he do rayl,
Alas, who can blame him if he's complaining now,
For these things must be if we sell Ale.
For we must do these things if we sell ale.
......
.
A flock of good fellows, all Smiths by their trade,
A group of good friends, all Smiths by their profession,
Within a while after a holiday made,
Within a while after a holiday was made,
Unto the Smith's house they came then with speed,
Unto the Smith's house they came then quickly,
And there they were wondrous merry indeed,
And there they were, truly merry indeed,
With my pot and thy pot to make the score hier,
With my pot and your pot to settle the score here,
Mine Host was so drunk he fell in the fire.
Mine Host was so drunk he fell into the fire.
But quoth the good Wife, sweet hart do not rayl,
But said the good Wife, sweet heart, don't scold,
These things must be if we sell Ale.
These things need to happen if we sell Ale.
......
......
But men ran so much with him on the score,
But guys hung out with him so much because of it,
That Vulcan at last grew wondrous poor,
That Vulcan finally became incredibly poor,
He owed the Brewer and Baker so much,
He owed the Brewer and Baker so much,
They thretned to arrest him, his case it was such;
They threatened to arrest him; his situation was serious.
He went to his Anvill, to my pot and thine,
He went to his anvil, to my pot and yours,
He turn'd out his Maid, he pul'd down his Signe,
He kicked out his maid, he took down his sign,
But O (quoth the good Wife) why should we fail,
But oh (said the good Wife) why should we fail,
These things should not be, if we sell Ale.
These things shouldn't happen if we sell Ale.
The Smith and his boy went to work for some chink,
The Smith and his son went to work for a Chinese man,
To pay for the liquor which others did drink
To cover the cost of the drinks that others consumed
Of all trades in London few break as I heare,
Of all the professions in London, few break as I hear,
That sell Tobacco, strong Ale and good Beer,
That sell tobacco, strong ale, and good beer,
They might have done better, but they were loth
They could have done better, but they were reluctant
To fill up their measure with nothing but froth.
To fill up their measure with nothing but foam.
Let no Ale-house keeper at my Song rayl,
Let no bar owner criticize my song,
These things must be if they sell Ale.
These things have to be done if they sell Ale.
Humfrey Crowch.17
Humfrey Crowch.__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__
FINIS.
The End.
London. Printed for Richard Harper18 in Smithfield.
London. Printed for Richard Harper __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ in Smithfield.
16 Guests.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Guests.
17 Of Humphrey Crowch or Crouch little is known, but we know he published many ballads and books of the chap-book order; among the former is the Mad Man's Morrice, and among the latter is England's Jests refin'd. He certainly wrote from 1637 to 1687.
17 Not much is known about Humphrey Crowch or Crouch, but we do know he published several ballads and chapbook-style books; among the ballads is the Mad Man's Morrice, and among the books is England's Jests refin'd. He definitely wrote from 1637 to 1687.
[8.] Jack Roberts was desired by his Taylour, when the reckoning grew somewhat high, to have a Bill of his hand. Roberts said, I am content, but you must let no man know it; when the Taylour brought him the Bill, he tore it as in choler, and said to him, You use me not well, you promised me that no man should know it, and here you have put in: Be it known unto all Men by these Presents.
[8.] Jack Roberts was asked by his Taylour, when the bill got a bit too high, to sign it. Roberts replied, "I'm fine with that, but you have to make sure nobody else knows." When the Taylour handed him the bill, he angrily tore it up and said, “You're not treating me right. You promised me that no one would know, and here you have written: Be it known unto all Men by these Presents.”
[1.] A Certain Butcher was flaying a Calf at night and had stuck a lighted Candle upon his head, because he would be the quicker about his business, and when he had done, he thought to take the same Candle to light him to bed: but he had forgot where he had set it, and sought about the House for it, and all the while it stuck in his Cap upon his head, and lighted him in seeking it. At the last one of his fellows came and asked him what he sought for? Marry, (quoth he) I look for the Candle which I did flay the Calf withal. Why, thou [pg 23] fool, qd. he, thou hast a Candle in thy Cap: and then he felt towards his Cap, and took away the Candle burning, whereat there was great laughing and he mocked for his labour, as he was well worthy.
[1.] A certain butcher was skinning a calf at night and had stuck a lit candle on his head so he could work faster. When he finished, he thought he could use the same candle to light his way to bed. However, he forgot where he had placed it and searched around the house for it, all while it was still on his head, lighting his path. Eventually, one of his buddies came over and asked what he was looking for. “I’m looking for the candle I used to skin the calf,” he replied. “Well, you idiot," said his friend, "you have a candle on your head!” He then reached up, took the burning candle from his cap, and everyone had a good laugh, mocking him as he deserved.
Were every day at strife,
If every day were a struggle,
And each wisht t'other in the Grave;
And each wished the other in the grave;
But their good Son and Heir
But their good son and heir
Begg'd God grant their Prayer,
Begged God to grant their prayer,
That both their desires they might have.
That they might have both their desires.
Got a woman with Child,
Got a woman pregnant,
But the Justice did take his part;
But the Judge did take his side;
Then she cry'd and did mumble,
Then she cried and whispered,
Sayes the Justice de'e grumble?
Does the Justice complain?
No, I grieve, Sir, and lay it to Hart.
No, I mourn, Sir, and attribute it to Hart.
[4.] Just after the late Kings Restauration, when going to Church came to be in fashion, an old Woman was advised by her Neighbours to go to Church; for fear of being Presented, she was resolved to go once a month to save her Bacon: So Dressing herself very fine, she came into the Church, just at the Expiration of the Letany, and the Parson having said, Lord have Mercy upon us, and then the People Responding thereto, she Cryed out aloud, I never was here before in my Life, and since you make such a Wonderment at it I will never come again.
[4.] Just after the late King's restoration, when going to church became fashionable, an old woman was encouraged by her neighbors to attend. Afraid of being left out, she decided to go once a month to stay in their good graces. So, she dressed very nicely and walked into the church just as the litany was ending. When the pastor said, Lord have mercy upon us, and the congregation responded, she shouted loudly, I have never been here before in my life, and since you all seem so surprised about it, I will never come again.
On Sextus.
The Rurall Dance about the May-pole.19
The Tune the first Figure dance at Mr Young's Ball in May 1671
The tune for the first figure dance at Mr. Young's Ball in May 1671
Take leave of your Dadds,
Say goodbye to your Dadds,
And away to the May-pole hey;
And away to the Maypole hey;
For every he
For every guy
Has got him a she
Has got him a girlfriend
With a Minstrill standing by.
With a minstrel standing by.
For Willy has gotten his Jill,
For Willy has got his Jill,
And Jonny has got his Jone,
And Jonny has his Jone,
To jigg it, jigg it, jigg it, jigg it,
To jigg it, jigg it, jigg it, jigg it,
Jigg it up and down.
Shake it up and down.
Strike up sayes Wat
Strike up says Wat
Agreed sayes Kate,
"Agreed," says Kate,
And I prethee Fidler play,
And please, Fidler, play.
Content sayes Hodge,
Content says Hodge,
And so sayes Madge,
And so says Madge,
For this is a Holliday.
For this is a holiday.
Then every man did put
Then every man put in
His Hat off to his Lasse,
His hat is off to his lady,
And every Girle did curchy,
And every girl did churchy,
Curchy, curchy on the Grasse.
Curchy, curchy on the Grass.
Begin sayes Hall.
Begin saying Hall.
20 I. I says Mall
Wee'l lead up Packingtons21 pound
No, no, says Noll
No, no, says Noll
And so says Doll
And that’s what Doll says.
Wee'l first have Sellengers22 round:
Then every man began
Then every man started
To foot it round about,
To walk around,
And every Girle did jet it,
And every girl did get it,
Jet it, jet it in and out
Jet it, jet it in and out
Y'are out, says Dick,
You're out, says Dick,
'Tis a lye, says Nick,
It's a lie, says Nick,
The Fidler play'd it false;
The fiddler played it wrong;
'Tis true says Hugh,
It's true, says Hugh,
And so says Sue,
And so says Sue,
And so says nimble Alice;
And so says agile Alice;
The Fidler then began
The Fidler then started
To play the Tune agen,
To play the tune again,
And every Girle did trip it,
And every girl danced,
Trip it, trip it to the men.
Trip it, trip it to the guys.
Let's kiss says Jane,
"Let's kiss," says Jane.
Content, says Nan
Content, says Nan
And so says every she
And so says every woman
How many says Batt,
How many says Batt,
Why three says Matt,
Why three, says Matt,
For that's a maiden's fee;
For that's a girl's fee;
But they instead of three
But they instead of three.
Did give 'em halfe a score,
Did give them half a dozen,
And they in kindnesse gave 'em,
And they generously gave them,
Gave 'em, gave 'em as many more.
Gave them, gave them as many more.
Then after an hour,
Then after an hour,
They went to a bower,
They went to a gazebo,
And play'd for Ale and Cakes,
And played for drinks and snacks,
And kisses too
And hugs too
Untill they were due,
Until they were due,
The Lasses kept the stakes.
The girls kept the stakes.
The Girles did then begin
The girls then began
To quarrel with the men,
To argue with the guys,
And bid 'em take their kisses back
And tell them to take their kisses back.
And give 'em their own agen.
And give them their own again.
Yet there they sate
Yet there they sit
Until it was late
Until it got late
And tyr'd the Fidler quite,
And tried the fiddler quite,
With singing and playing
With music and performance
Without any paying,
For free,
From morning untill night.
From dawn to dusk.
They told the fidler then,
They told the fiddler then,
They'd pay him for his play,
They'd pay him for his performance,
And each a 2 pence, 2 pence, 2 pence,
And each is 2 pence, 2 pence, 2 pence,
Gave him and went away.
Gave it to him and left.
20 Ay, ay.
Sure thing.
21 This tune certainly was known in Queen Elizabeth's time, for it occurs in her Virginal book, and Chappell says, "It probably took its name from Sir John Packington, commonly called 'lusty Packington,' the same who wagered that he would swim from the Bridge at Westminster, i.e. Whitehall Stairs, to that at Greenwich for the sum of £3000. 'But the good Queen, who had particular tenderness for handsome fellows, would not permit Sir John to run the hazard of the trial.'"
21 This song was definitely known during Queen Elizabeth's reign, as it's found in her Virginal book. Chappell mentions, "It likely got its name from Sir John Packington, often referred to as 'lusty Packington,' who bet that he could swim from the Bridge at Westminster, i.e. Whitehall Stairs, to the one at Greenwich for £3000. 'But the good Queen, who had a special fondness for handsome men, wouldn't allow Sir John to take the risk of the challenge.'"
22 Or St. Leger's round, was thought by Sir John Hawkins to be the oldest country dance now extant, and is to be found in Queen Elizabeth's Virginal book.
22 Or St. Leger's round is considered by Sir John Hawkins to be the oldest surviving country dance, and it can be found in Queen Elizabeth's Virginal book.
[4.] A Minister finding his Parishioners to be Ignorant, was resolv'd to Examine and Instruct them at home; so going to an Ancient Womans House, amongst other Questions, he asked her how many Commandments there were? She told him she could not tell: he told her there were Ten: Whereat she replied, A Jolly Company! God Bless you and them both together. Well, but, Neighbour, (says he) Do you think you can keep these Commandments? Ah! God bless you, Sir, (said she) I am a poor Woman, and can hardly keep my self; I hope you will not put me to the Charge of keeping any of the Commandments for you.
[4.] A minister noticed that his parishioners were pretty ignorant, so he decided to quiz and teach them at home. He went to an elderly woman's house, and among other questions, he asked her how many commandments there were. She said she didn’t know. He told her there were ten. She responded, “What a lovely bunch! God bless you and them both.” Then he asked, “Well, neighbor, do you think you can follow these commandments?” “Oh! God bless you, sir,” she replied, “I’m a poor woman and can hardly keep myself in line; I hope you won’t expect me to take on the responsibility of keeping any of the commandments for you.”
On Charismus.
Nor future time shall hurt through all their rage,
Nor will future times be harmed by all their anger,
For how can future times or age invade
For how can future times or ages intrude
That work, which perished as soone as made.
That work, which vanished as soon as it was created.
[12.]A man did surmise
A man suspected
That another mans eyes
That another man's eyes
Were both of a different frame;
Both were made differently;
For if they had been Matches,
For if they had been matches,
Then, alas, poor wretches,
Then, sadly, poor souls,
His Nose would a set 'em in a flame.
His nose would set them on fire.
[8.] Master Mason of Trinity Colledge, sent his Pupil to another of the Fellows to borrow a Book of him, who told him I am loath to lend my Books out of my Chamber, but if it please thy Tutor to come and read upon it in my Chamber, he shall as long as he will. It was winter, and some daies after the same Fellow sent to Mr Mason to borrow his Bellows, but Master Mason said to his Pupil, I am loath to lend my Bellows out of my Chamber, but if thy Tutor would come and blow the Fire in my Chamber he shall as long as he will.
[8.] Master Mason of Trinity College sent his student to another fellow to borrow a book. The fellow said, I’m reluctant to lend my books out of my room, but if your tutor wants to come and read it in my room, he can as long as he likes. It was winter, and a few days later, the same fellow asked Mr Mason to borrow his bellows. Master Mason told his student, I’m reluctant to lend my bellows out of my room, but if your tutor wants to come and stoke the fire in my room, he can as long as he likes.
Of a drunken Smith.
Curtesies, complements, and gratulations,
Polite gestures, compliments, and congratulations,
He presseth me unto the third deniall,
He pushes me to the third denial,
But, with his curt'sies, of his purpose fayling
But, with his quick bows, his intention failing
He goes behind my backe cursing and railing.
He talks behind my back, cursing and complaining.
Foole, thy kind speeches cost thee not a penny,
Foole, your kind words don't cost you a thing,
And more foole I, if they should cost me enny.
And I would be even more foolish if they ended up costing me anything.
23 Value ten shillings.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Value £0.50.
[4.] A Minister going to one of his Parishioners he asked her, who made her? She reply'd, She did not know: A Child standing by, he asked him the same Question, who Answered, God; whereupon the Parson Reproving the Old Woman, told her it was a shame that she should be so Ignorant, who had lived to those Years, and that little Child could tell. Marry, quoth she, I am an old Woman, and have been made a great while, and he was made but t'other day, he may well tell who made him.
[4.] A minister visiting one of his parishioners asked her who created her. She responded that she didn't know. Nearby, a child overheard and answered the same question with "God." The minister, scolding the old woman, told her it was embarrassing that she was so ignorant, especially since she had lived so long and that little child could answer. “Well,” she said, “I’m an old woman and I was made a long time ago, whereas he was made just the other day, so it’s no surprise he knows who made him.”
I went to the Tavern, and then,
I went to the Tavern, and then,
I had good store of Wine,
I had a good supply of wine,
And my Cap full of coyne
And my cap full of coins
And the world went well with me then, then,
And life was good for me back then, then,
And the world went well with me then.
And everything was great for me back then.
I went to the Tavern agen
I went to the tavern again.
When I ran on the score
When I ran on the score
And was turn'd out o' th' door
And was thrown out the door
And the world went ill with me then, then, &c.
And the world started to feel wrong for me then, then, &c.
When I was a Batchelor then,
When I was a Bachelor back then,
I had a Saddle and a Horse,
I had a saddle and a horse,
And I took my own Course,
And I followed my own path,
And the world went well with me then, then &c.
And everything was going great for me back then, back then, etc.
But when I was marry'd, O then
But when I got married, oh then
My Horse and my Saddle
My Horse and My Saddle
Were turn'd to a Cradle,
Were turned into a Cradle,
And the world went ill with me then, then, &c.
And the world turned against me then, then, &c.
When I brought her home mony, then
When I brought her home money, then
She never would pout,
She never pouted,
But clip me about,
But keep me updated,
And the world went well with me then, then, &c.
And everything was going great for me back then, back then, &c.
But when I was drunk, O then,
But when I was drunk, oh then,
She'd kick, she'd fling,
She'd kick, she'd throw,
Till she made the house ring,
Till she made the house echo,
And the world went ill with me then, then &c.
And then the world started to go wrong for me.
So I turn'd her away, and then,
So I turned her away, and then,
I got me a Miss
I got myself a girlfriend.
To Clip and to kiss,
To cut and to kiss,
And the world went ill with me then, then &c.
And the world started to go wrong for me then, then, etc.
I took my wife home agen,
I took my wife home again,
But I chang'd her note
But I changed her note
For I cut her throat.
For I slit her throat.
And the world went well with me then, then, &c.
And everything was going great for me back then, back then, &c.
But when it was known, O then,
But when it became known, oh then,
In a two wheeld Charret
In a two-wheeled cart
To Tiburn I was carry'd,
To Tiburn I was taken,
And the world went ill with me then, then, &c.
And the world turned against me then, then, &c.
But when I came there, O then,
But when I got there, oh then,
They forc't me to swing
They forced me to swing
To heaven in a string.
To heaven on a string.
And the world went well with me then, then &c.
And the world was treating me well back then, then &c.
[1.] There was a man in the Country, who had not been any far Traveller, and dwelt far from any Church except a Church that was seven or eight miles from his house, and there they never sung Mass nor Even song, but did ever say it. And on a time he came to London, having never been here before, & being in London he went to Pauls Church, & went into the Chappel, where they sung Mass with Organs, and when he heard the melody of the Organs and the singing [pg 29] together, that he never heard before, he thought he should have gone to Heaven by and by, and looked, and said aloud that every one heard, O Lord, shall I go to heaven presently? I would thou wouldest let me alone till I might go home and fetch my white stick and black hood, and then I would go gladly with thee. Where at all the people laughed heartily.
[1.] There was a man in the countryside who had never traveled far and lived far from any church except one that was seven or eight miles from his house. They never actually sang Mass or Evening Prayer there; they would just say it. One time, he went to London for the first time, and while he was there, he visited Paul's Church. He entered the chapel where they sang Mass with organs, and when he heard the beautiful music and singing, unlike anything he had ever heard before, he thought he might actually be going to Heaven right then. He looked around and said out loud for everyone to hear, "O Lord, am I going to Heaven right now? I wish you would let me go home first so I can get my white stick and black hood, and then I would gladly come with you." At that, all the people laughed heartily.
Sorte tuâ contentus.
[5.]If adverse fortune bring to passe
If bad luck strikes
And will that thou an asse must bee,
And will you be an ass?
Then be an asse, and live an asse,
Then be a fool, and live like a fool,
For out of question wise is hee
Definitely, he is wise.
That undergoes with humble mind
That accepts with a humble mind
The state that chance hath him assign'd.
The situation that fate has assigned to him.
[12.]A Fellow told his Friends.
A Fellow shared with Friends.
That a Pudding had two ends;
That a pudding has two ends;
But that's a lye, sayes another;
But that's a lie, says another;
Do but think agen,
Just think again,
And you'l find it begin
And you'll find it begins
At one end, and ends at t'other.
At one end and finishes at the other.
[15.] The Cheerful Welsh Woman
Who drinking at the Sign of the Crown in London, found a
Who was drinking at the Sign of the Crown in London, found a
Spring in her Mugg, for Joy of which hur Sung the
Spring in her Mugg, for Joy of which hur Sung the
praise of Old England resolving never to return to Wales
praise of Old England deciding never to go back to Wales
again.
again.
Tune of, Hey brave Popery &c.
Licensed according to Order.
Tune of, Hey brave Popery &c.
Licensed according to Order.
There was an Old woman came out of North Wales,
There was an old woman who came out of North Wales,
And up to fair London her merrily Sails,
And up to fair London she sails happily,
It was for her pleasure Cuts-plutter-a-nails
It was for her pleasure Cuts-plutter-a-nails
Sing O brave Welsh Woman, Jolly brave Welsh Woman,
Sing O brave Welsh Woman, Jolly brave Welsh Woman,
Delicate Welsh Woman. O.
Delicate Welsh Woman. O.
As soon as hur came into fair London town
As soon as she arrived in beautiful London town
Hur went to an Alehouse the sign of the Crown,
Hur went to a tavern with the sign of the Crown,
In order to tipple hur streight did sit down.
In order to drink, we sat down straight.
Sing O brave &c.
Sing, O brave &c.
Hur being a weary and willing to rest,
Hur being tired and wanting to rest,
Hur would not be one of the worst of the guest,
Hur would not be one of the worst guests,
But call'd for a Pitcher of Ale of the best.
But asked for the best pitcher of ale.
Sing O brave &c.
Sing, O brave &c.
The Tapster then giving the Jugg in her hand,
The Tapster then handing the Jug into her hand,
The Welsh woman streight on hur feet she did stand,
The Welsh woman stood straight on her feet,
And drank a good health to hur King of England.
And raised a glass to the health of our King of England.
Sing O brave &c.
Sing, O brave &c.
Now while she had gotten the jugg at her snout,
Now while she had gotten the jugg at her nose,
And being both lusty, courageous and stout,
And being both lively, brave, and strong,
Hur gave it a tug, till hur swigg'd it half out.
Hur gave it a pull until hur yanked it halfway out.
Sing O brave &c.
Sing, O brave &c.
The Tapster he see her to be of that strain,
The Tapster sees that she belongs to that type,
And how she did tipple the Liquor amain,
And how she drank the liquor heavily,
Thought he, I will fill up thy pitcher again.
Thought he, I will fill your pitcher again.
Sing O brave &c.
Sing, O brave &c.
The jugg hur had plac'd on the Bench by her side,
The jug had been placed on the bench beside her,
To which the young tapster did cunningly slide,
To which the young bartender cleverly slipped,
And fill'd it as if it had been a full tide.
And filled it as if it were at high tide.
Sing O brave &c.
Sing, O brave &c.
Now hur did not know how her pitcher did fill,
Now Hur didn't know how her pitcher got filled,
Therefore hur did say with a merry good will
Therefore she did say with a cheerful good will
Here's Tipple and drink, and her Pitcher full still.
Here's a drink and her pitcher still full.
Sing O brave England &c.
Sing O brave England &c.
The praise of this Nation Cuts-plut her will sing,
The praise of this Nation Cuts-plut her will sing,
Hur never had known such a wonderful thing,
Hur had never experienced anything so wonderful.
The juggs in this land has a delicate Spring.
The jugs in this land have a delicate spring.
Sing O brave England &c.
Sing, O brave England &c.
Once more she saluted the lips of her Mugg,
Once again, she kissed her Mugg's lips,
And gave it a hearty and dextrous tugg,
And gave it a hearty and skillful tug,
The Tapster once more he did fill up her jugg.
The Tapster once again filled up her jug.
Sing O brave England &c.
Sing, O brave England &c.
The Liquor up into her Noddle did steel,
The liquor went to her head,
The Floor with her feet hur hardly could feel,
The floor was hard to feel with her feet,
So that hur began for to stagger and reel.
So that hurt began to make her stagger and sway.
Sing O brave England &c.
Sing O brave England &c.
Hur swore hur would never to Wales any more,
Hur swore hur would never go to Wales again.
For hur has tasted Rich liquor good store,
For she has tasted rich liquor in good quantity,
The like in all Wales hur had neer drank before,
The people in all Wales had never drunk like this before,
Sing O brave England &c.
Sing, O brave England &c.
Hereafter hur never will honour the Leek,
Hereafter, she will never honor the Leek.
This was the best Nation as e're hur did seek,
This was the best Nation that ever did seek,
Here's liquor of life that will make a Cat speak.
Here's the drink of life that will make a cat talk.
Sing O brave England &c.
Sing O brave England &c.
In praise of this liquor, hur Cap up she flung,
In praise of this drink, she tossed her cup up,
For why, it Created an Eloquent Tongue,
For this reason, it created a persuasive way of speaking,
Besides it will make an Old Woman look young,
Besides, it will make an old woman look young,
Sing O brave Nappy Ale, Delicate Nappy Ale,
Sing, O brave Nappy Ale, Delicate Nappy Ale,
Dainty fine Nappy Ale.
Delicate fine Nappy Ale.
[1.] In the country dwelt a Gentlewoman who had a French man dwelling with her and he did ever use to go to Church with her, and upon a time he and his Mistresse were going to Church and she bad him pull the doore after him and follow her to the Church, and so he took the doore betweene his armes, and lifted it from the hooks, and followed his Mistresse with it: But when she looked behinde her and saw him bring the doore upon his back, Why, thou foolish knave, qd. she, what wilt thou do with the door? Marry Mistresse, qd. he, you bad me pull the doore after me. Why, qd. she, I did command thee that thou shouldest make fast the doore after thee, and not bring it upon thy back after me. But after this, there was much good sport and laughing at his simplicity and foolishnesse therein.
[1.] In the countryside lived a woman of good standing who had a French man living with her, and he always went to church with her. One day, as they were on their way to church, she told him to close the door behind him and follow her. So, he took the door in his arms, lifted it off the hinges, and followed his mistress with it. But when she turned around and saw him carrying the door on his back, she exclaimed, "You silly fool, what are you doing with that door?" He replied, "Well, mistress, you told me to pull the door after me." To which she responded, "I meant for you to close the door behind you, not to carry it along with you." After that, everyone had a good laugh at his foolishness.
On a Watch lost in a Tavern.
You know how men in drinking lose there time:
You know how men waste their time when they drink:
A Watch keeps time, and if time pass away,
A watch keeps track of time, and if time runs out,
There is small reason that the Watch should stay.
There’s little reason for the Watch to remain.
The key hung out, and you forgot to lock it,
The key was left out, and you forgot to lock it.
Time scorns to be kept tame in any pocket.
Time refuses to be controlled or confined in any way.
Hereafter if you keep't, thus must you do,
Hereafter, if you keep it, you must do this:
Pocket your Watch, and watch your pockets too.
Pocket your watch, and keep an eye on your pockets too.
Of a Precise Taylor.
True, but for lying, honest but for stealing,
True, but if it weren’t for lying, honest but if it weren’t for stealing,
Did fall one day extreamly sicke by chance,
Did fall one day extremely sick by chance,
And on the sudden was in wondrous trance.
And suddenly, I was in a fantastic trance.
The Fiends of hell mustring in fearfull manner,
The demons of hell gathering in a terrifying way,
Of Sundry Coloured silkes displayed a Banner,
Of various colored silks displayed a banner,
Which he had stolne, and wish't as they did tell
Which he had stolen, and wished as they said
That one day he might finde it all in hell.
That one day he might find it all in hell.
The man affrighted at this apparition
The man was startled by this ghostly figure.
Upon recovery grew a great Precisian.
Upon recovery, a great Precision emerged.
He bought a Bible of the new Translation,
He bought a Bible in the new Translation,
And in his life he shew'd great reformation;
And in his life, he showed significant improvement;
He walked mannerly, and talked meekely,
He walked politely and spoke softly,
He heard three Lectures, and two Sermons weekely:
He attended three lectures and two sermons each week:
He vowed to shunne all companies unruly,
He vowed to avoid all unruly groups,
And in his speech he used none oath, but truly.
And in his speech, he didn't use any oaths, just honesty.
And zealously to keepe the Sabboths rest,
And passionately keep the Sabbath rest,
His meat for that day, on the e've was drest,
His meat for that day, on the eve, was prepared,
And least the custome that he had to steale,
And least the custom that he had to steal,
Might cause him sometime to forget his zeale,
Might sometimes cause him to forget his enthusiasm,
He gives his journeyman a speciall charge,
He gives his apprentice a special task,
That if the stuffe allow'd fell out too large,
That if the material allowed turned out to be too large,
And that to filch his fingers were inclin'd,
And that his fingers were tempted to steal,
He then should put the Banner in his minde.
He should then keep the Banner in his mind.
This done, I scant can tell the rest for laughter,
This done, I can hardly describe the rest for laughter,
A Captaine of a ship came three daies after,
A captain of a ship arrived three days later,
And brought three yards of Velvet, and three Quarters
And brought three yards of velvet and three quarters.
He that precisely knew what was enuffe,
He who knew exactly what was enough,
Soone slipt away three quarters of the stuffe.
Soone slipped away three-quarters of the stuff.
His man espying it, said in derision,
His man spotting it, said mockingly,
Remember, Master, how you saw the vision.
Remember, Master, how you saw the vision.
Peace (knave) quoth he, I did not see one ragge
Peace, you fool, he said, I didn't see a single rag.
Of such a coloured silke in all the flagge.
Of such colored silk in all the flag.
24 Trunk hose.
Trunk hose.
[8.] A Notorious Rogue being brought to the Bar, and knowing his case to be desperate, instead of pleading, he took to himself the liberty of jesting, and thus said, I charge you in the Kings name to seise and take away that man (meaning the Judge) in the red Gown, for I go in danger of my life because of him.
[8.] A notorious criminal was brought to court, and knowing his situation was hopeless, instead of making a plea, he decided to joke around and said, I charge you in the King's name to seize and take away that man (referring to the Judge) in the red robe, because I’m in danger of my life because of him.
On a gentleman that married an heire privately at the Tower.
Was stoln, married, and his hopes beguild;
Was stolen, married, and his hopes deceived;
('Cause his usurious nature had a thought
('Cause his greedy nature had a thought
She might have bin to greater fortunes brought:)
She might have been brought to greater fortunes.
With rigid looks, bent brows, and words austere,
With stiff expressions, furrowed brows, and serious words,
Ask'd his forc'd son in law how he did dare
Ask'd his forced son-in-law how he dared
Thus beare his onely daughter to be married;
Thus, he will have his only daughter get married;
And by what Cannons he assumed such power?
And by what rules did he claim such power?
He sayd, the best in England, sir, the Tower.
He said, the best in England, sir, is the Tower.
Of Galla's goodly Periwigge.
'Tis certain her own hayr, who would have thought it?
It's definitely her own hair, who would have thought that?
She sweares it is her owne; and true she sweares,
She swears it's her own; and it's true, she swears,
For hard by Temple-barre last day she bought it.
For just near Temple Bar, she bought it yesterday.
So faire a haire, upon so foule a forehead,
So beautiful a hair, on such a ugly forehead,
Augments disgrace, and showes the grace is borrow'd.
Augments disgrace and shows that the grace is borrowed.
[17.] Several Gentlemen were at dinner together, and one of them was a Parson; among the Dishes one was a Pig, but 'twas very lean; Then they concluded that it was only fit for the Parson, being a spiritual Pig, for it had no flesh upon it.
[17.] Several gentlemen were having dinner together, and one of them was a priest. Among the dishes, there was a pig, but it was very lean. They decided it was only suitable for the priest, being a spiritual pig, since it had no meat on it.
An Invitation to Lubberland.
with
with
An Account of the great Plenty
of that Fruitful Country.
An Account of the Great Abundance
of that Fruitful Country.
There's all sorts of Fowl and Fish,
There's all kinds of birds and fish,
with Wine and store of Brandy,
with wine and a supply of brandy,
Ye have there what your Hearts can wish,
You have there what your hearts desire,
the Hills are Sugar Candy.
the Hills are Sugar Coated.
The Tune of Billy and Molly Or, The Journey-man Shoe maker
The Tune of Billy and Molly Or, The Journeyman Shoemaker
[19.]There is a ship we understand
There's a ship we know
now riding in the river,
now floating in the river,
Tis newly come from Lubberland
Just arrived from Lubberland
the like I think was never;
the like I think was never;
You that a lazy life do love,
You who love a lazy life,
I'd have you now go over,
I'd like you to go over now,
They say land is not above
They say land is not above
two thousand leagues from Dover.
two thousand leagues from Dover.
The Captain and the Master too,
The Captain and the Master as well,
do's give us this relation,
do's give us this connection,
And so do's all the whole ships crew,
And so does the entire ship's crew,
concerning this strange nation.
about this strange nation.
The streets are pav'd with pudding-pies
The streets are paved with pudding pies
nay powder'd26 beef and bacon,
They say they scorn to tell you lies,
They claim they refuse to lie to you,
who thinks it is mistaken.
who thinks it is wrong.
The king of knaves and queen of sluts
The king of tricksters and queen of promiscuous women
reign there in peace and quiet;
reign there in peace and quiet;
You need not fear to starve your guts,
You don't have to worry about starving yourself,
there is such store of diet:
there is such a variety of food:
There may you live free from all care,
There, you can live free from all worries,
like hogs set up a fatning,
like pigs set up a fattening,
The garments which the people wear
People's clothing
is silver, silk and sattin.
is silver, silk, and satin.
The lofty buildings of this place
The tall buildings in this area
for many years have lasted,
for many years have continued,
With nutmegs, pepper, cloves and mace,
With nutmeg, pepper, cloves, and mace,
the walls are roughly casted,
the walls are roughly finished,
In curious hasty-pudding boil'd,
In curious instant pudding boiled,
and most ingenious Carving.
and most innovative carving.
Likewise they are with pancakes ty'd,
Likewise, they are tied with pancakes,
sure, here's no fear of starving.
sure, there's no fear of starving.
The Captain says, in every Town
The Captain says, in every town
hot roasted pigs will meet ye,
hot roasted pigs will meet you,
They in the streets run up and down,
They run up and down in the streets,
still crying out, come eat me:
still crying out, come eat me:
Likewise he says, at every feast
Likewise, he says at every celebration
the very fowls and fishes,
the birds and fish,
Nay, from the biggest to the least,
Nay, from the biggest to the smallest,
comes tumbling to the dishes.
falls onto the dishes.
The rivers run with claret fine,
The rivers flow with fine red wine,
the brooks with rich Canary,
the streams with rich Canary,
The ponds with other sorts of wine,
The ponds with other types of wine,
to make your hearts full merry:
to make your hearts really happy:
Nay, more than this, you may behold
Nay, more than this, you may behold
the fountains flow with Brandy,
the fountains flow with brandy,
The rocks are like refined gold,
The rocks are like polished gold,
the hills are sugar candy.
the hills are like candy.
Rosewater is the rain they have,
Rosewater is the rain they have,
which comes in pleasant showers,
which comes in soft showers,
All places are adorned brave
All places are beautifully brave.
with sweet and fragrant flowers:
with sweet, fragrant flowers:
Hot Custards grows on e'ery tree
Hot custards grow on every tree.
each ditch affords rich jellies
each ditch offers rich jellies
Now, if you will be rul'd by me,
Now, if you will follow my lead,
go there, and fill your bellies.
go there, and fill your stomachs.
There's nothing there but holy-days,
There's nothing there but holidays,
with musick out of measure;
with music beyond measure;
Who can forbear to speak the praise
Who can hold back from speaking praise
of such a land of pleasure?
of such a land of pleasure?
There you may lead a lazy life,
There, you can live a laid-back life,
free from all kinds of labour,
free from all types of work,
And he that is without a wife,
And anyone who doesn't have a wife,
may borrow of his neighbour.
may borrow from his neighbor.
There is no law, nor lawyers fees,
There are no laws, nor legal fees,
all men are free from fury,
all men are free from anger,
For e'ery one do's what he please,
For everyone does what they want,
without a judge or jury:
without a judge or jury
The summer-time is warm they say,
The summer is warm, they say,
the winter's ne'er the Colder,
the winter's never been colder,
They have no landlords rent to pay,
They don’t have any landlords to pay rent to,
each man is a free-holder.
each man is a property owner.
You that are free to cross the seas,
You who are free to travel across the seas,
make no more disputation,
stop arguing,
At Lubberland, you'll live at ease,
At Lubberland, you'll live comfortably,
with pleasant recreation:
with enjoyable activities:
The captain waits but for a gale,
The captain waits only for a storm,
of prosperous wind and weather,
of good fortune and climate,
And that they soon will hoist up sail,
And that they'll soon raise the sail,
make hast away together.
make haste and go together.
Printed for J. Deacon,27 at the Angel in Gilt Spur Street.
Printed for J. Deacon,27 at the Angel on Gilt Spur Street.
25 Richard Pocock, who licensed from 1685 to 1688.
25 Richard Pocock, who was licensed from 1685 to 1688.
26 Salt beef.
Salt beef.
[4.] An ignorant Country Fellow coming along Paternoster Row, had occasion to change a Half-Crown into small money, and looking over a Grate which stood on the Stall, there sate a large Monkey, whom he prayed to change his Money; the Monkey took it and put it into the Till of the Compter, where he had observed to be put, and then came and Grinn'd at the Man, who, being in a passion, made a noise at the Door, whereat the man of the Shop, coming into the Shop, asked him what was the matter? Sir, said he, I gave your Son half [pg 38] a Crown to change, and he will not give it me again, but laughs at me, and will not give me one word of answer, tho I have asked him for it many a time.
[4.] A clueless country guy walking down Paternoster Row needed to change a half-crown into smaller coins. He looked over a counter and saw a large monkey sitting there, so he asked it to change his money. The monkey took the coin and placed it in the register, just like he had seen it done before, then came back and grinned at the man. Frustrated, the man started making noise at the door. The shop owner came out and asked what was going on. Sir, he said, I gave your son half [pg 38] a crown to change, and he won’t give it back to me. He just laughs and won’t respond, even though I’ve asked him for it over and over.
[13.]The old name of Robbing,
The former name of Robbing,
Is now call'd Padding,
Is now called Padding,
For when the Padders have done,
For when the Padders are finished,
Their Lodgings are ta'ne
Their lodgings are taken
At the Rope in Tyburn Lane
At the Rope in Tyburn Lane
In the Parish of Paddington.
In the Paddington Parish.
Epitaph
On an usurer.
Shackled up both hands and feet,
Shackled on both hands and feet,
That at such as lent mony gratis wondred,
That people who lent money for free were surprised,
The gain of usury was so sweet;
The profit from usury was so tempting;
But thus being now of life bereav'n
But now being deprived of life
'Tis a hundred to one he's scarce gone to heav'n.
It's a hundred to one he's barely made it to heaven.
[8.] In Chancery, one time, when the Councel of the parties set forth the boundary of the Land in question, by the plot, and the Councel of one part said, we lie on this side my Lord, and the Councel of the other part said, we lie on this side. The Lord Chancellor Hatton stood up and said, If you lie on both sides, whom will you have me to believe?
[8.] In Chancery, at one point, when the lawyers for each side laid out the boundary of the disputed land, one side said, "We are on this side, my Lord," while the other side said, "We are on this side." The Lord Chancellor Hatton stood up and said, If you are on both sides, who should I believe?
In praise of the Black Jack28
The Cheating bottle cryes, good, good, good,
The cheating bottle cries, good, good, good,
Whereat the master begins to storme,
Where the master starts to get angry,
'Cause he said more than he could performe.
'Cause he said more than he could do.
And I wish that his heires may never want Sack,
And I hope his heirs will never be without wine,
That first devis'd the bonny black Jack.
That first created the handsome black Jack.
No Tankerd, Flaggon, Bottle nor Jugg
No tankard, flagon, bottle, or jug
Are half so good, or so well can hold Tugg,
Are half as good, or can Tugg handle it as well,
For when they are broke or full of cracks,
For when they are damaged or full of cracks,
Then they must fly to the brave black Jacks,
Then they must fly to the brave black Jacks,
And I wish &c.
And I wish, etc.
When the Bottle and Jack stands together, O fie on't,
When the Bottle and Jack stand together, oh no,
The Bottle looks just like a dwarfe to a Gyant;
The bottle looks just like a dwarf to a giant;
Then had we not reason Jacks to chuse
Then we wouldn't have any reason to choose, Jacks.
For this'l make Boots, when the Bottle mends shoes.
For this, I'll make Boots, when the Bottle fixes shoes.
And I wish &c.
And I wish, etc.
And as for the bottle you never can fill it
And as for the bottle, you can never fill it.
Without a Tunnell, but you must spill it,
Without a Tunnel, but you have to get it out,
'Tis as hard to get in, as it is to get out,
It's just as hard to get in as it is to get out,
'Tis not so with a Jack, for it runs like a spout.
'It's not the same with a Jack, because it runs like a spout.
And I wish &c.
And I wish, etc.
And when we have drank out all our store,
And when we have drunk up all our supply,
The Jack goes for Barme to brew us some more;
The Jack goes to Barme to brew us some more;
And when our Stomacks with hunger have bled,
And when our stomachs have bled from hunger,
Then it marches for more to make us some bread.
Then it moves forward for more to earn us some money.
And I wish &c.
And I wish, etc.
I now will cease to speak of the Jack,
I will now stop talking about Jack,
But hope his assistance I never shall lack,
But I know I'll never be without his help,
And I hope that now every honest man,
And I hope that now every honest person,
Instead of Jack will y'clip him John.
Instead of Jack, you’ll clip him, John.
And I wish &c.
And I wish, etc.
28 A bottle made of leather. Sometimes they were ornamented with silver rims, and a silver plate with the owner's coat of arms thereon; but generally they were very rough.
28 A bottle made of leather. Sometimes they were decorated with silver rims and had a silver plate featuring the owner's coat of arms; but usually, they were quite crude.
[18.] A melting Sermon being preached in a Country Church, all fell a weeping, except a Country man, who being ask'd why he did not weep with the rest? Because (says he) I am not of this Parish.
[18.] A heartfelt sermon being delivered in a country church, everyone was in tears except for a local man, who, when asked why he wasn’t crying like the others, replied, Because (he said) I don’t belong to this parish.
[18.] A Country-man admiring the stately Fabrick of S. Pauls Cathedral, asked Whether it was made in England, or brought from beyond Sea.
[18.] A countryman admiring the impressive structure of St. Paul's Cathedral asked whether it was made in England or brought in from overseas.
The unstoppable
PRIDE of WOMEN
or
The London Tradesman's Lamentation
For the Prodigality of his Wife, which doth daily
pillage his Purse.
For the extravagance of his wife, who daily
empties his wallet.
To the Tune of the Spinning Wheel.
To the Tune of the Spinning Wheel.
Licensed according to orders.
Licensed per requirements.
who like a gaudy Peacock goes,
who, like a flashy peacock, goes,
In Top Knots, Patches, Powder'd Hair,
In Top Knots, Patches, Powdered Hair,
besides she is the worst of shrows;
besides, she is the worst of shrews;
This fills my Heart with grief and care
This fills my heart with sadness and worry.
To think I must this burthen bear.
To think I have to carry this burden.
It is her forecast to Contrive
It is her plan to create
to rise about the hour of Noon,
to wake up around noon,
And, if she's Trimm'd and Rigg'd by Five
And, if she's styled and ready by five
why this I count is very soon:
why I consider this to be very soon:
Then goes she to a Ball or Play
Then she goes to a party or a play.
To pass the pleasant night away.
To have a fun night.
And when she home returns again
And when she comes home again
conducted by a Bully Spark,
conducted by a Bully Spark,
If that I in the least complain,
If I say anything,
she does my words and actions mark:
she does my words and actions define:
And does likewise my Gullet tear,
And does my throat tear as well,
Then roars like Thunder in the Air.
Then roars like thunder in the air.
I never had a Groat with her
I never had a Groat with her
most solemnly I here declare,
I solemnly declare,
Yet she's as proud as Lucifer,
Yet she's as proud as Lucifer,
and cannot study what to wear:
and can't figure out what to wear:
In sumptuous Robes she still appears
In lavish robes, she still looks stunning.
While I am forc'd to hide my Ears.
While I have to hide my ears.
The lofty Top Knots on her Crown,
The high ponytails on her head,
with which she sails abroad withal,
with which she sails abroad as well,
Makes me with Care alas! look down,
Makes me with care, alas! look down,
as having now no hope at all:
as having no hope at all:
That ever I shall happy be
That I will ever be happy
In such a flaunting Wife as she.
In a wife like her, who shows off so much.
In debt with ev'ry Shop she runs
In debt to every shop she visits
for to appear in gaudy Pride,
for showing off in flashy Pride,
And when the Millener she duns,
And when the milliner she meets,
I then am forc'd my Head to hide:
I then have to hide my head:
Dear Friends, this proud imperious Wife
Dear Friends, this proud and commanding Wife
She makes me weary of my Life.
She makes me tired of my life.
Sometimes with words both kind and mild
Sometimes with words that are kind and gentle
I let her know my wretched state,
I told her about my miserable situation,
For which I streightways am Revil'd:
For which I am immediately criticized:
says she, I will appear more Great
says she, I will seem more impressive
Than any Merchants London Dame,
Than any Merchants London Dame,
Tho' thou art ruin'd for the same.
Though you are ruined for the same.
'Tis true she is both fair and young,
'Tis true she is both beautiful and young,
and speaks Italian, Greek, and Dutch,
and speaks Italian, Greek, and Dutch,
Besides she hath the scolding Tongue,
Besides, she has a scolding tongue,
which is, in faith, a Tongue too much:
which is, honestly, a tongue that says too much:
I dare not speak nor look awry,
I won't speak or glance sideways,
For fear of her severity.
Out of fear of her harshness.
My worldly glory, joy and bliss
My worldly glory, joy, and happiness
is turn'd to sorrow, grief and care,
is turned to sorrow, grief, and worry,
He that has such a Wife as this,
He who has a wife like this,
needs no more torment I declare:
needs no more torment I declare:
To buy those Trinkets which they lack,
To buy those little items they need,
Both Stock and Credit goes to Rack.
Both Stock and Credit go to Rack.
There's many more, as well as I,
There's many more, just like me,
in famous London City fair,
at the famous London City fair,
Whose Wives with prodigality
Whose Wives with extravagance
doth fill their Husbands hearts with care;
does fill their husbands' hearts with care;
I pity those with all my Heart,
I truly feel sorry for those with all my heart,
Since I with them do bear a Part.
Since I share a role with them.
[4.] Two Persons who had been formerly acquainted, but had not seen each other a great while, meeting on the Road, one ask'd the other how he did; he told him He was very well, and was Married since he saw him: the other reply'd, That was well indeed: not so well neither, said he, for I have Married a Shrew. That's ill, said the other. Not so ill neither, said he, for I had 2000 Pounds with her. That's well again, said his Friend. Not so well neither, for I laid it out in Sheep, and they died of the Rot. That was ill indeed, said the other. Not so ill neither, said he, for I sold the Skins for more money than the Sheep cost. That was well, [pg 43] indeed, quoth his friend. Not so well neither, said he, for I laid out my money in a House and it was burned. That's very ill, said the other. Not so ill neither, said he, for my Wife was burned in it.
[4.] Two people who used to know each other but hadn't seen each other in a long time ran into each other on the road. One asked the other how he was doing; he replied that he was doing great and had gotten married since they last met. The other person said that was good to hear. "Not so good," he said, "because I married a nagging wife." "That’s bad," the other replied. "Not so bad," he said, "because I got £2,000 with her." "That's good again," said his friend. "Not so good," he replied, "because I spent it on sheep, and they died of disease." "That's bad indeed," said the other. "Not so bad," he said, "because I sold the hides for more money than the sheep cost." "That's good, indeed," his friend responded. "Not so good," he said, "because I put my money into a house and it burned down." "That's very bad," said the other. "Not so bad," he said, "because my wife was in it when it happened."
On a little Gentleman and one Mr Story.
[5.]The little man, by t'other man's vain glory,
[5.]The small man, due to the other man's empty pride,
It seems was roughly us'd (so says the story)
It seems we were treated poorly (so the story goes)
But being a little heated and high blown,
But feeling a bit fired up and full of ourselves,
In anger flyes at Story, puls him down;
In anger, he flies at Story and pulls him down;
And when they rise (I know not how it fated)
And when they rise (I don’t know how it happened)
One got the worst, the Story was translated
One got the worst, the Story was translated.
From white to red, but ere the fight was ended
From white to red, but before the fight was over
It seems a Gentleman, that one befriended,
It seems a gentleman, that one befriended,
Came in and parted them; the little blade,
Came in and separated them; the small knife,
There's none that could intreat, or yet perswade,
There's no one who could ask or persuade,
But he would fight still, till another came,
But he would still fight, until another arrived,
And with sound reasons councel'd gainst the same.
And with good reasons advised against it.
'Twas in this manner; friend, ye shall not fight
'Twas in this way; friend, you shall not fight
With one that's so unequall to your height,
With one that's so unequal to your height,
Story is higher; t'other made reply,
Story is higher; the other replied,
I'd pluck him down were he three Stories high.
I'd take him down even if he were three Stories high.
[18.] A Tradesman that would never work by Candle light, was asked the reason why? To save Candles, says he; a Peny saved is a Peny got.
[18.] A tradesman who would never work by candlelight was asked why. To save candles, he said; a penny saved is a penny earned.
Epitaph on a Scrivener.
This is his last sheet, full point and total sum.
This is his final sheet, complete and total.
Of all aspersions, I excuse him not,
Of all accusations, I don't excuse him,
'Tis plain, he liv'd not without many a blot;
It's clear he didn't live without many mistakes;
Yet he no ill example shew'd to any,
Yet he didn't set a bad example for anyone,
But rather gave good coppies unto many,
But instead provided good copies to many,
He in good Letters alwayes had been bred,
He was always well-educated.
And hath writ more, than many men have read.
And has written more than many people have read.
He Rulers had at his command by law,
He Rulers had the authority granted to him by law,
Although he could not hang, yet he could draw.
Although he couldn't hang, he could still draw.
He did more Bond men make than any,
He created more Bond characters than anyone else.
A dash of's pen alone did ruine many.
A single pen stroke caused many to fall.
That not without all reason we may call
That we can fairly say
His letters, great or little, Capitall;
His letters, big or small, Capital;
Yet 'tis the Scrivner's fate as sure as Just,
Yet it's the Scrivener's fate as sure as Justice,
When he hath all done, then he falls to dust.
When he has done everything, he turns to dust.
[8.] One was saying that his great Grandfather, and Grandfather, and Father died at Sea. Said another that heard him, and I were you, I would never come at Sea. Why, saith he, where did your great Grandfather, Grandfather and Father die? He answered, where, but in their beds? saith the other, And I were as you, I would never come to bed.
[8.] One person was saying that his great-grandfather, grandfather, and father all died at sea. Another person who heard him said, "If I were you, I would never go to sea." The first person replied, "Well, where did your great-grandfather, grandfather, and father die?" The other answered, "Where else but in their beds?" The first person then said, “If I were you, I would never go to bed.”
These following are to be understood two ways.
I saw a blazing Comet, drop down hail.
I saw a blazing comet drop down hail.
I saw a Cloud, with ivy Circled round.
I saw a cloud, with ivy wrapped around it.
I saw a sturdy Oak, creep on the ground.
I saw a strong Oak, creeping on the ground.
I saw a raging Sea, brim full of Ale.
I saw a raging sea, completely full of beer.
I saw a Venice Glass, sixteen foot deep.
I saw a Venice Glass that was sixteen feet deep.
I saw a Well, full of mens tears that weep.
I saw a well, filled with men's tears that weep.
I saw their Eyes, all in a flame of fire.
I saw their eyes, all aflame with fire.
I saw a House, as big as the Moon and higher.
I saw a house, as big as the moon and even taller.
I saw the Sun, even in the midst of night
I saw the sun, even in the middle of the night.
I saw the Man that saw this wondrous sight.
I saw the guy who witnessed this amazing sight.
29 An ant.
An ant.
Instead of Oliverus
Instead of Oliver
In Oliver's time; 'twas his will,
In Oliver's time; it was his will,
And his reason was good,
And his reason was valid,
If well understood,
If understood correctly,
'Cause he varies from verus still.
'Cause he still varies from verus.
[12.]A man he did say
A man, he said
To his friend t'other day,
To his friend the other day,
That his sow had lost her life;
That his pig had died;
Sayes one Mr Howes,
Says one Mr Howes,
Now you talk of Sowes,
Now you talk about Sowes,
Pray, Neighbour, how does your wife?
Pray, Neighbor, how is your wife?
[18.] John Scot so famous for his Learning, sitting at Table with a young Gallant, was by way of Jest, asked by him what Difference there was between Scot and Sot. To which he presently reply'd Mensa tantum, that is the Tables breadth; for the other sat just over against him.
[18.] John Scot, known for his intelligence, was sitting at a table with a young man when the young man jokingly asked him what the difference was between Scot and Sot. Scot immediately replied, Mensa tantum, meaning the width of the table; since the other person was sitting directly across from him.
The Devil's Oak:
or, his
or, his
Ramble in a Tempestuous Night, where he
hapn'd to Discourse with Men of
several Callings, of his own
Colour and Complexion.
Ramble on a Stormy Night, where he
happened to talk with Men of
various Professions, of his own
Race and Skin Tone.
To a very pleasant new Tune.
To a really nice new tune.
and forc'd to take a tree,
and forced to take a tree,
Because the tempest was so great,
Because the storm was so fierce,
his way he could not see:
his way he could not see:
But under an Oak, instead of a Cloak,
But under an oak tree, instead of a cloak,
he stood to keep himself dry,
he stood to stay dry,
And as he stood, a Fryer in his hood,
And as he stood, a friar in his hood,
by chance came passing by.
happened to pass by.
And the Devil he made the Fryer afraid,
And the Devil made the Friar scared,
with that he crost his breast;
with that he crossed his chest;
Then up the Devil started, the Fryer was faint-hearted,
Then the Devil got up, and the Friar was scared.
you may wink and choose the best:
you can wink and pick the best:
For I am the Fryer, and thou art the Lyar,
For I am the Fryer, and you are the Liar,
therefore thou art my father;
therefore you are my father;
I am a Doctor of Evil, and thou art the Devil,
I am a Doctor of Evil, and you are the Devil,
the worser I hold thee rather.
the worse I hold you instead.
A Collier and his Cart came by,
A coal miner and his cart came by,
which coals he did use to carry.
which coals he used to carry.
And as soon as the Devil he did him espy,
And as soon as the Devil saw him,
he caused him awhile to tarry:
he made him wait for a while:
For why, I do think that with thee I must drink,
For that reason, I really think I need to drink with you,
and he called for a glass of claret;
and he ordered a glass of red wine;
Now I find by thy smell, that thou camest from hell,
Now I can tell by your smell that you came from hell,
and I fear thou hast stole my chariot.
and I fear you've stolen my chariot.
The next that came by was a Chimney Sweeper,
The next person who came by was a Chimney Sweeper,
with poles, his brooms, and shackles,
with poles, his brooms, and shackles,
What meanest thou, Man, the Devil he said,
What do you mean, man? The Devil said,
that thou usest all those tackles?
that you use all those tools?
I pry thee gentle Blade, tell me thy trade,
I ask you kindly, Blade, what do you do for a living?
thy face it is so besmeared,
thy face it is so besmeared,
Hadst thou been so black, and no tools at thy back,
Had you been so dark, with no tools at your back,
thou'dst have made me sore afraid.
you would have made me very afraid.
Sir, a Chimney Sweeper I do profess,
Sir, I work as a chimney sweep,
although my trade's but mean,
though my trade is humble,
It is for to sweep all dirty holes,
It is for sweeping all dirty spots,
and to keep foul chimneys clean:
and to keep dirty chimneys clean:
Then go to Hell, where the Devil doth dwell,
Then go to Hell, where the Devil lives,
and he will give thee a piece,
and he will give you a piece,
God a mercy, old Dog, when I sheer my hog
God have mercy, old Dog, when I shear my pig.
then thou shalt have the fleece.
then you shall have the fleece.
The next that came by was a tawny Moor,
The next one to arrive was a tan-skinned Moor,
and the Devil bid him see,
and the Devil urged him to look,
And he fleered on his tawny skin,
And he sneered on his brown skin,
crying, Friend, art thou any kin to me?
crying, Friend, are you any relation to me?
For sure your skin doth resemble our kin,
For sure your skin looks like ours,
therefore let us walk together,
let's walk together,
And tell me how you do allow,
And tell me how you let,
of this tempestuous weather.
of this wild weather.
Then the next that came by was a Gun-powder man,
Then the next person who came by was a gunpowder salesman,
which coales and brimstone sifted,
which coal and brimstone sifted,
That in three quarters of a year,
That in nine months,
himself had hardly shifted:
he had barely moved:
Then up the Devil rose, and snuffed his nose,
Then the Devil got up and sniffed the air,
he could indure it no longer,
he could endure it no longer,
Cry'd, Away with this fume, 'tis not fit for the room
Cry'd, Get rid of this smoke, it's not right for the room.
it will neither quench thirst, no, nor hunger.
it will neither satisfy thirst, nor hunger.
I pre thee, gentle Blade, tell me thy trade,
I beg you, kind Blade, tell me what you do,
as thou hast so strong a smell,
as you have such a strong smell,
It is for to make gunpowder, he said,
It’s for making gunpowder, he said,
for to blow the Devil out of Hell:
for to blow the Devil out of Hell:
And if I had him here, his joynts would I tear,
And if I had him here, I would break his joints,
he should neither scratch, no, nor bite,
he shouldn't scratch or bite,
I would plague the Devil, for all his evil,
I would annoy the Devil, despite all his wickedness,
and make him leave walking by night.
and make him leave on foot at night.
Then a Tinker worse than all the rest,
Then a Tinker worse than all the others,
although he was not so black,
although he was not that dark,
By chance as he came passing by,
By chance, as he walked by,
with his budget on his back:
with his budget on his back:
He cry'd, Yonder is the Devil's tree
He shouted, "There’s the Devil's tree!"
let us see who dar'st go thither,
let's see who dares to go there,
For it will sustain, from the wind and the rain,
For it will protect against the wind and the rain,
or any tempestuous weather.
or any stormy weather.
That shall be try'd, the Devil then he cry'd,
That will be tested, the Devil then shouted,
then up the Devil he did start,
then up the Devil he did start,
Then the Tinker threw his staff about,
Then the Tinker tossed his staff around,
and he made the Devil to smart:
and he made the Devil feel pain:
There against a gate, he did break his pate,
There against a gate, he did hit his head,
and both his horns he broke:
and he broke both of his horns:
And ever since that time, I will make up my rhime,
And ever since that time, I've been making up my rhyme,
it was called The Devil's Oak.
it was called *The Devil's Oak*.
Printed for C. Bates,30 at the Sun and Bible, in Pye Corner.
Printed for C. Bates,30 at the Sun and Bible, in Pye Corner.
30 Charles Bates, at this address (there were three contemporary C. Bates), published in 1685.
30 Charles Bates, at this address (there were three people named C. Bates at the time), published in 1685.
[4.] A Wine Cooper in Mark Lane taking a Gentleman down into his Cellar to Treat him, he, finding no Seat there for him to sit on, asked him the reason of it; Why, says the Wine Cooper, I will have no Man here Drink longer than he can stand.
[4.] A wine coop in Mark Lane took a gentleman down into his cellar to treat him. When the gentleman noticed there was no seat for him to sit on, he asked why. Well, said the wine coop, I don’t let anyone drink longer than they can stand.
I marveld much last day what you did meane,
I was really curious yesterday about what you meant,
To say that drinking Sack will make one leane;
To say that drinking Sack will make someone lean;
But now I see, I then mistooke you cleane,
But now I realize, I completely misunderstood you.
For my good neighbour Marcus, who I tro,
For my good neighbor Marcus, who I trust,
Feares fatness much, this drinke hath plyde him so,
Feares is really bothered by his weight; this drink has affected him so much,
That now except he leane he cannot goe.
That now, except he leans, he cannot go.
Ha, gentle Doctor, now I see your meaning,
Ha, kind Doctor, now I understand what you're getting at,
Sack will not leave one leane, 'twill leave him leaning.
Sack won't leave him weak, it'll leave him off balance.
For fear of the frost
For fear of the cold
The haire very long he wears;
The hair is very long that he wears;
Then ask him why he will
Then ask him why he will
Not cut it; he still
Not cut it; he still
Says he dares not for his ears.
Says he doesn't dare because of what he might hear.
[8.] 0A debaucht Seaman being brought before a Justice of Peace upon the account of swearing, was by the Justice commanded to deposit his Fine in that behalf provided, which [pg 49] was two shillings, he thereupon plucking out of his pocket a half crown, asked the Justice what was the rate he was to pay for cursing, the Justice told him six pence, quoth he then, A Pox take you all for a company of Knaves and fools, and there's half a crown for you; I will never stand changing of mony.
[8.] 0A rowdy sailor brought before a Justice of the Peace for swearing was ordered by the Justice to pay his fine, which was two shillings. He pulled a half crown out of his pocket and asked the Justice how much he had to pay for cursing. The Justice told him six pence, to which he replied, “A plague on all of you for being a bunch of knaves and fools, and here’s half a crown for you; I’m not going to bother with changing money.” [pg 49]
The Long Nos'd Lass
is evidently traceable to Miss Tannakin Skinker, who was born in 1618; but it is astonishing how widely spread is the belief in "Pig faced Ladies." No doubt but there has been some foundation in fact for it, for I am credibly informed that not long since,31 a child, whose face bore a singular likeness to a pig, was born in the City of London Lying-in Hospital in the City Road—and not only survived its birth, but is in all probability still living. In 1815 a pig-faced lady, elegantly dressed, used to drive about London in her carriage; but whether people were being hoaxed by one wearing a mask is not known. George Morland painted a portrait of the "Wonderful Miss Atkinson Born in Ireland, has £20,000 fortune and is fed out of a Silver Trough," and Fairburn published an engraving of her. Miss Steevens, who founded Steeven's Hospital at Dublin, is also credited with being pig-faced; whilst pig-faced ladies used commonly to be shown at fairs. But these were fictitious, as a quarrel in a caravan at Plymouth, some years since, brought to light, when it was shown that her ladyship was a bear whose face and neck had been carefully shaved, whilst its head was adorned with a wig with ringlets and a cap with artificial flowers. The bear was securely fastened in a chair, and draped to imitate a fashionably-dressed lady.
is clearly linked to Miss Tannakin Skinker, who was born in 1618; however, it's surprising how widespread the belief in "Pig faced Ladies" is. There must have been some truth to it, as I've been reliably informed that not too long ago,31 a child born at the City of London Lying-in Hospital in City Road had a striking resemblance to a pig, and not only survived birth but is probably still alive today. In 1815, a pig-faced lady, dressed elegantly, used to drive around London in her carriage; it's unclear if people were being fooled by someone in a mask. George Morland painted a portrait of the "Wonderful Miss Atkinson Born in Ireland, has £20,000 fortune, and is fed out of a Silver Trough," and Fairburn published an engraving of her. Miss Steevens, who established Steeven's Hospital in Dublin, is also said to be pig-faced; meanwhile, pig-faced ladies were commonly displayed at fairs. However, these were fakes, as a dispute in a caravan in Plymouth a few years ago revealed that one such lady was actually a bear whose face and neck had been carefully shaved, while her head was covered with a wig with ringlets and a cap adorned with artificial flowers. The bear was securely strapped into a chair and dressed to look like a fashionable lady.
It is, however, with the contemporary monstrosity that we have chiefly to deal, and a very rare tract in the Bodleian Library32 gives "A certaine Relation of the Hog faced Gentlewoman called Mistris Tannakin Skinker, who was borne at Wirkham a Neuter Towne betweene the Emperour and the [pg 50] Hollander, scituate on the river Rhyne. Who was bewitched in her mothers wombe in the yeare 1618, and hath lived ever since unknowne in this kind to any, but her Parents and a few other neighbours. And can never recover her true shape tell she be married &c. Also relating the cause, as it is since conceived, how her mother came so bewitched. London. Printed by J. O. and are to be sold by F. Grove,33 at his shop on Snow-hil neare St Sepulchers Church." 1640.
It is, however, the contemporary monstrosity that we primarily have to address, and a very rare pamphlet in the Bodleian Library32 provides "A certain account of the Hog-faced Gentlewoman named Mistress Tannakin Skinker, who was born at Wirkham, a neutral town between the Emperor and the [pg 50] Dutch, located on the river Rhine. She was cursed in her mother's womb in the year 1618 and has lived ever since unknown in this condition to anyone except her parents and a few other neighbors. She will never regain her true shape until she gets married, etc. Also detailing the reason, as it is now believed, how her mother came to be so cursed. London. Printed by J. O. and sold by F. Grove,33 at his shop on Snow-hill near St Sepulcher's Church." 1640.
This veracious history gives an account of various remarkable births. "But I come now to humane Births, beginning with those forraigne, and ending with the domesticke; about the beginning of the Marsick Warre, one Alcippe, a woman of especiall note, at the time of her childing, was delivered of an Elephant; and another (whose name is not left unto us) of a Serpent. In Thessaly, one was brought to bed of an infant which had the shape of an Hypocentaure, and expired the same day that it received breath," etc.
This true history tells the story of various remarkable births. "But now I’ll talk about human births, starting with those from abroad and finishing with the domestic ones; during the early days of the Marsick War, one Alcippe, a woman of notable reputation, gave birth to an elephant while in labor; and another woman (whose name is not recorded) gave birth to a serpent. In Thessaly, one woman gave birth to an infant that looked like a centaur and died the same day it was born," etc.
After thus paving the way for his own particular marvel, the writer goes on: "I fall now immediatly upon the party before propounded. In a place in Holland called Wirkham, being a neuter Towne; as lying between Holland and those parts belonging to the Empire, on the River Rhine, lived one Ioachim Skinker, whose wife's name was Parnel, a man of good revenue, but of a great estate in money and cattle; these two having very loving lived together without any issue to succeed them in their goods and inheritance: it being no small griefe unto them, that either strangers, or some of their owne ungrateful kindred should after death enjoy those meanes, for which they had so laboriously travail'd: When they were in their greatest despaire, it hapned thus, she found herselfe conceived with childe, which was a greater joy and comfort to her and her husband: But whether they were unthankful for such an unexpected blessing, or what other thing was the cause, I am not able to determine; but it so hapned, that in the yeere 1618, she was safely delivered of a Daughter, all the limbes and lineaments of her body well featured and proportioned, only her face, which is the ornament and beauty of all the rest, had the Nose of a Hog, or [pg 51] Swine: which was not only a stain and blemish, but a deformed uglinesse, making all the rest lothsome, contemptible and odious to all that lookt upon her in her infancie.
After setting the stage for his own unique story, the writer continues: "I now turn immediately to the party mentioned earlier. In a place in Holland called Wirkham, a neutral town located between Holland and parts belonging to the Empire, on the River Rhine, lived a man named Ioachim Skinker and his wife, Parnel. He was well-off, with a substantial estate in money and livestock; the couple lived lovingly together but had no children to inherit their wealth. It was a source of great sorrow for them that either strangers or ungrateful relatives might benefit after their death from the resources they had worked so hard for. Just when they were in the depths of despair, Parnel discovered she was pregnant, bringing immense joy and comfort to both her and Ioachim. However, whether they were ungrateful for such an unexpected blessing or if something else contributed to their situation, I can’t say. But it so happened that in the year 1618, she gave birth to a daughter, healthy and well-formed in every respect except for her face, which—being the main feature of beauty—bore the nose of a pig or [pg 51] swine. This was not just a flaw but a shocking ugliness, making her appearance repulsive and detestable to everyone who looked at her as a baby."
"If the joy of the parents was great in the hope of a Childe, how much greater may wee conjecture their sorrowes were, to be the parents of such a monster: but considering with themselves what Heavens would have, they had not power to hinder, and studying (as farre as in them lay) to conceale their shame, they so farre mediated with the Midwife and the other women that were present at the delivery, that they should keepe it as close and secret as it was possible to doe: and they called the name of it Tannikin, which is as much in English as Anne or Hannah. . . . . . . . . . . .
"If the joy of the parents was great in the hope of a child, how much greater can we imagine their sorrow was at being the parents of such a monster? But considering what heaven had in store, they felt powerless to stop it. They tried as hard as they could to hide their shame and worked with the midwife and the other women present at the delivery to keep it as secret as possible. They named her Tannikin, which is the same as Anne or Hannah.. . . . . . . . . . .
"This prodigious birth though it was knowne to some few, yet it was not made popular & spoken of by all, which the Father and Mother for their owne reputations and credits were very carefull to maintaine; so that it was never seene by any (being an infant bare-fac'd) but vail'd and covered, and so brought up in a private Chamber, both fed and taught by the Parents onely; and her deformity scarce knowne to any of the Servants: and as the daughter grew in stature, so the Father also increased with wealth, so that he was accounted to be one of the richest men in all that Country. . . . . . . . . .
"This remarkable birth was known to only a few people, but it wasn't widely talked about, as the Father and Mother were very careful to protect their own reputations. No one ever saw the infant’s face; she was always veiled and covered, raised in a private room, and cared for solely by her parents. Her deformity was barely known even to the servants. As the daughter grew taller, the Father also became wealthier, and he was considered one of the richest men in the entire country. . . . . . . . . .
"It is credibly reported, that this Burgess wife having conceived, an old woman suspected for a Witch came to begge of her an Almes, but she being at that (time) busied about some necessary affaires gave her a short and neglectfull answer; at which she went away muttering to herselfe the Divell's Pater noster, and was heard to say; As the Mother is Hoggish, so Swinish shall be the Child shee goeth withall: which is a great probability that the infants deformity came by the malitious Spells and divelish murmurations of this wicked woman; who, after, for the like, or worse practises both upon men women and children whom she had bewitched unto death, being brought within compasse of the Law; and after to suffer at the stake; amongst many other things confessed as much as I have before related; yet either out of her perverse obstinacy would not, or else (the Devill forsaking her in extreamity, as he doth all his other servants) in her deficiency [pg 52] of power, could not uncharme her: yet by this means that which was before kept so private, was now publickly discovered to the World; insomuch that much confluence of people came to see the progedy, which wearied the Father, and cast a blush upon the cheekes of the good woman the mother: some desirous to heare her speake, whose language was onely the Dutch Hoggish Houghs, and the Piggs French Owee, Owee, for other words she was not able to utter; which bred in some, pitty, in others laughter, according to their severall dispositions.
"It is reliably reported that the Burgess’s wife became pregnant, and an old woman suspected of being a witch came to ask her for some charity. The wife, busy with important matters at the time, gave her a brief and dismissive reply. The woman left, muttering to herself the devil's Pater noster, and was heard saying, As the Mother is Hoggish, so Swinish shall be the Child she carries. This strongly suggests that the child’s deformity resulted from the malicious spells and wicked mutterings of this woman. Later, for similar or worse actions against men, women, and children she had bewitched to death, she was brought before the law and sentenced to be executed at the stake. Among other things, she confessed to what I’ve previously mentioned; however, either out of her stubbornness or because the devil abandoned her in her time of need (as he does all his followers), she was unable to break the curse. Yet, through this means, what was once kept secret became publicly known, resulting in many people coming to see the spectacle, which exhausted the father and embarrassed the mother. Some were eager to hear her speak, but her language consisted only of Dutch hog sounds and the pigs’ French, ‘Owee, Owee,’ as she could not say anything else. This evoked pity in some and laughter in others, based on their different attitudes."
"Others were importunate to see her feede, then milke and the like was brought unto her in a Silver Trough; to which she stooped and eate just as a Swine doth in his swilling Tub; which the more mirth it bred in the Spectators, increased in the Parents the more Melancholy."
"Others were eager to see her fed, so milk and similar things were brought to her in a silver trough; she bent down and ate just like a pig at its trough. The more laughter this caused among the spectators, the more it deepened the sorrow in the parents."
From this part the tract gets more and more romantic. An astrologer was consulted, and he advised her being married, when her cure might be effected. So the parents gave out that she would have a dowry of £40,000 paid down on her marriage. Then follows a list of her suitors, and after an episode which has nothing to do with the matter in hand, the tract winds up: "I should have spoken something of her residing in or about London, as of her being in Black Friers, or Covent Garden, but I can say little: onely abundance of people doe resort to each place to enquire the truth: some have protested they have seene her, by the helpe of their acquaintance and give this reason why she will not as yet be Constantly in one place, because the multitude is so great that doe resort thither that they dare not be knowne of her abiding, lest by denying the sight of her, they that own the house should have it pulled down about their eares. Her portion is very large, it being 40,000 pounds; she likewise goeth very gallant in aparrell, and very courteous in her kind to all. And whoever shall in Pamphlet, or Ballad, write or sing otherwise than is discoursed of in this small Tract, they erre from truth: for what is here discovered, is according to the best and most approved Intelligence."
From this point, the story becomes increasingly romantic. An astrologer was consulted, and he suggested that she should get married when her recovery could happen. So, the parents claimed that she would have a dowry of £40,000 paid upfront at her wedding. Then, there's a list of her potential suitors, and after an unrelated episode, the text concludes: "I should have mentioned her living in or around London, particularly in Black Friars or Covent Garden, but I can say little about it: only that many people go to each place to inquire about the truth. Some have claimed they've seen her, aided by their connections, and they give this reason for why she hasn't settled in one place yet: the crowds are so large that they are afraid to acknowledge her presence, as denying a sighting might lead to the owners of the house having it torn down around them. Her fortune is quite substantial, being 40,000 pounds; she also dresses very elegantly and is very kind to everyone. And anyone who writes or sings in a pamphlet or ballad contrary to what is discussed in this small tract is mistaken about the facts: for what is revealed here is based on the best and most reliable information."
31 Some time between 25th June and 29th September 1881.
31 Sometime between June 25th and September 29th, 1881.
32 A wonderful lithographic facsimile by Francis Compton Price, Esq., is in the British Museum, 12205. h., catalogued under the heading Skinker.
32 A fantastic lithographic facsimile by Francis Compton Price, Esq., can be found in the British Museum, 12205. h., listed under the title Skinker.
The Long-Nos'd LASS
or
The Taylors, Millers, Tinkers, Tanners, and
Glovers; with a great number of other
Tradesmen, dash't out of Countenance by a Sow-Ships
Beauty, to their great discontent, and
her perpetual trouble.
The Taylors, Millers, Tinkers, Tanners, and
Glovers; along with a large number of other
tradespeople, were completely thrown off by a Sow Ships
beauty, much to their annoyance and
her constant trouble.
Tune of The Country Farmer.
Tune of "The Country Farmer."
This may be printed R. P.
This may be printed R. P.
Concerning a person whose Fortune was great;
Concerning a person whose fortune was significant;
Her portion was Seventeen thousand good pound,
Her share was seventeen thousand good pounds,
But yet a good Husband was not to be found:
But a good husband was hard to find:
The reason of this I will tell to you now,
The reason for this, I'm going to tell you now,
Her visage was perfectly just like a Sow,
Her face was exactly like a sow,
And many to Court her came flocking each day,
And many came to court her, gathering every day,
But seeing her, straight they run frighted away.
But when they see her, they run away in fear.
Amongst all the rest, a fine Taylor also,
Among all the others, a fine Taylor as well,
Resolv'd to this person a Suitor to go;
Resolved to this person as a suitor to go;
Quoth he, at the present, alas I am poor,
Quoth he, right now, unfortunately, I'm broke,
Of Silver and Gold I shall then have good store:
Of silver and gold, I will have plenty:
But if I do get her, I then shall be made,
But if I do end up with her, then I’ll be set.
Therefore I will put on the best of my Cloaths,
Therefore, I will put on my best clothes,
My Hat, with my Band, and my Holyday Hose.
My hat, my band, and my Holiday hose.
The hopes of this Fortune his fancy did feed,
The hopes of this Fortune fueled his imagination,
And therefore to her he did hasten with speed,
And so he hurried to her quickly,
When coming, he straight for this person did ask,
When he arrived, he went straight to this person and asked,
She came her own self in a fine Visor, Mask;
She arrived all by herself in a nice visor and mask;
And said, I am she, Sir, pray what would you have?
And said, I am her, Sir, what would you like?
I'm come, quoth the Taylor, your Love for to crave;
I'm here, said the Taylor, to ask for your love;
She open'd the door, and bid him welcome in,
She opened the door and invited him in.
And then to his Courting he straight did begin.
And then he immediately started courting her.
The Taylor went on with a noble good grace,
The Taylor continued on with a dignified composure,
Like one of much Courage his Love to Embrace;
Like someone with a lot of courage, his love was strong to embrace;
Thought he, with a Fortune I now shall be blest,
Thought he, with a fortune I will now be blessed,
But, listen, I pray, to the Cream of the Jest:
But, listen, please, to the Cream of the Jest:
She pull'd off her Vizor, and turn'd her about,
She pulled off her visor and turned around,
And straightway the Taylor beheld her long Snout;
And right away the Taylor saw her long nose;
Ah! how he was frighted and run out of door,
Ah! how scared he was and ran out the door,
And vow'd he would never come near her no more.
And promised he would never go near her again.
The next was a Miller who to her did Ride,
The next was a Miller who rode to her,
Resolved he was for to make her his Bride;
Resolved he was to make her his Bride;
Quoth he, as I now am a right honest Man,
Quoth he, as I now am a truly honest man,
I'le Wed her and Love her as well as I can;
I'll marry her and love her as much as I can;
For Beauty, O let it be now as it will,
For Beauty, oh let it be now as it will,
As long as she brings me good Grist to the Mill;
As long as she brings me good resources to work with;
Both Silver and Gold I shall have at Command,
Both silver and gold I will have at my disposal,
With which I will Purchase me Houses and Land.
With which I will buy houses and land.
I now in conceit am as great as a Lord,
I now fancy I'm as important as a Lord,
What pleasures soever the World can afford,
What pleasures the world can offer,
I'le have it, and likewise in Silver will shine,
I’ll have it, and it will also shine in silver,
Then Gillian will wonder to see me so fine:
Then Gillian will be surprised to see me looking so good:
To Robin my Servant, I'le give my great Bowl,
To Robin my servant, I'll give my big bowl,
With which I was formerly us'd to take Toll,
With which I used to collect tolls,
And likewise the Mill, if I marry this Maid,
And just like the Mill, if I marry this Maid,
For never no more will I follow the Trade.
For never again will I follow the Trade.
As he was a riding to her on his Mare,
As he was riding to her on his mare,
He thus was a building Castles in the air;
He was just building castles in the air;
But when he beheld her most amiable Face,
But when he saw her most friendly face,
Alas! he was soon in a sorrowful Case;
Alas! he quickly found himself in a sad situation;
His hopes were confounded, away he did run,
His hopes were shattered, and he ran away,
Saying, should I have her, a thousand to one.
Saying, if I have her, it’s a thousand to one.
But I shall be frighted, when her I behold,
But I will be scared when I see her,
Therefore I'le not have her for Silver or Gold.
Therefore, I won't have her for silver or gold.
Both Tinkers and Tanners and Glovers also
Both Tinkers, Tanners, and Glovers also
Came to her, the Money encouraged them so;
Came to her, the Money encouraged them so;
Nay, thousands came to her then every day,
Nay, thousands came to her every day,
Each striving to carry this Beauty away:
Each trying to take this Beauty away:
But when they beheld this most ordinary stuff,
But when they saw this very ordinary stuff,
The sight of her Visage did give them enuff;
The sight of her face gave them enough;
Yet if she be Marry'd while here she does live,
Yet if she gets married while she’s living here,
A perfect account of the Wedding I'le give.
A perfect account of the wedding I'll give.
Printed for P. Brooksby35 at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner.
Printed for P. Brooksby35 at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner.
34 i.e. People had their summer clothes, and business was slack until the autumn.
34 i.e. People had their summer clothes, and business was slow until autumn.
[17.] Says one, why is thy Beard so brown, and thy head so white? Cause, says he, my head is twenty years older than my beard.
[17.] One person asks, why is your beard so brown, but your head is so white? Because, he replies, my head is twenty years older than my beard.
[4.] A Tinker coming through Cornhill, and sounding briskly on his kettle, Have you any Work for a Tinker? A Grocer that thought to put a Jest upon him (there being a Pillory near his door) bid him stop those two Holes, pointing to the Pillory: to whom the Tinker smartly replyed, Sir, if you will lend me your Head and Ears, I will find a Hammer and Nails, and give you my Work into the bargain.
[4.] A Tinker passing through Cornhill, cheerfully ringing his kettle, asked, Do you have any work for a Tinker? A Grocer, wanting to make a joke (since there was a Pillory nearby), told him to fix those two holes, pointing to the Pillory. The Tinker quickly responded, Sir, if you lend me your head and ears, I'll find a hammer and nails, and do the work for you.
A Dialogue concerning Hair, between a
Man and a Woman.
M.
W.
Ask me no more where all the day
Ask me no more where all the day
The foolish Owl doth make her stay:
The foolish Owl makes her stay:
Tis in your Locks; for tak't from me,
Tis in your hair; you can take it from me,
She thinks your hair an Ivy tree.
She thinks your hair looks like an ivy tree.
M.
W.
Tell me no more men wear long hair
Tell me that no guys wear long hair anymore.
To chase away the Colder air;
To drive away the colder air;
For by experience we may see
For through experience, we can see
Long hair will but a back friend be.
Long hair will only be a friend to the back.
M.
Tell me no more that long hair can
Tell me no more that long hair can
Argue deboistness38 in a man;
Argue against debaseness __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ in a man;
For 'tis Religious being inclin'd
For it's religious to be inclined
To save the Temples from the wind.
To protect the Temples from the wind.
W.
Ask me no more why Roarers wear
Ask me no more why Roarers wear
Their hair extant below their ear;
Their hair hangs down below their ear;
For having morgag'd all their Land,
For having mortgaged all their land,
They'd fain oblige the appearing Band.
They'd gladly help the arriving group.
M.
Ask me no more why hair may be
Ask me no more why hair may be
The expression of Gentility:
The expression of Class:
'Tis that which being largely grown
'Tis that which has grown significantly
Derives its Gentry from the Crown.
Derives its nobility from the Crown.
W.
Ask me no more why grass being grown,
Ask me no more why grass is growing,
With greedy Sickle is cut down,
With a greedy sickle, it's cut down,
Till short and sweet; So ends my Song,
Till short and sweet; So ends my Song,
Lest that long hair should grow too long.
Lest that long hair get too long.
36 Prynne was especially exercised in his mind about this fashion, and wrote a book called "The Unlovelinesse of Love Lockes, or a Summarie discourse, proving the wearing and nourishing of a locke or love locke to be altogether unseemly and unlawfull unto Christians" (1628), and also "A Gagge for Long Hair'd Rattle Heads &c." (1646).
36 Prynne was particularly troubled by this trend, and wrote a book titled "The Unloveliness of Love Locks, or a Summary Discourse, Proving that Wearing and Nurturing a Locke or Love Lock is Completely Unsuitable and Unlawful for Christians" (1628), as well as "A Gag for Long-Haired Rattle Heads, etc." (1646).
37 An allusion to the curly crops and fringe over the forehead then worn by ladies.
37 A reference to the curly hairstyles and bangs that women wore at that time.
38 Debauchedness.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Indulgence.
What's Latin for Cold;
What's the Latin word for cold?
Why truly, says he, my Friends,
Why, really, he says, my friends,
I know it full well,
I know it very well,
And I feel I can tell,
And I feel like I can say,
For I hav't at my fingers ends.
For I have it at my fingertips.
[18.] A Papist asked a Protestant, as 'tis their usual Way, where his Religion was before Luther. In the Bible, says he, where yours never was.
[18.] A Catholic asked a Protestant, as they usually do, where his faith was before Luther. In the Bible, he replied, where yours never was.
[8.] A witty Rogue coming into a lace shop, said he had occasion for some lace, choice wherof being shewed him, he at last pitched upon one pattern, and asked them how much they would have for so much as would reach from ear to ear, for so much he had occasion for, and they told him for so much; so some few words passing between them, he at last agreed, and told down his money for it, and began to measure [pg 58] on his own head, thus saying, One ear is here, and the other is nailed to the Pillory in Bristoll, and I fear you have not so much of this Lace by you at present as will perfect my bargain; therefore this piece of Lace shall suffice at present in part of payment, & provide the rest with all expedition.
[8.] A clever Rogue walked into a lace shop and said he needed some lace. After looking at the options, he chose one pattern and asked how much they wanted for enough to go from ear to ear, which was the amount he needed. They told him the price, and after a brief conversation, he agreed, paid for it, and started measuring on his own head, saying, One ear is here, and the other is nailed to the Pillory in Bristol, and I worry you don’t have enough of this lace available right now to complete my order; so this piece of lace will serve as partial payment, and please provide the rest as soon as possible.
MARK NOBLE'S FROLLICK;
who being
who's being
Stopp'd by the Constable near to the Tower, was examin'd where he had been; whither he was going; and his Name and Place where he dwelt: to which he answered, Where the Constable would have been glad to have been, and where he was going he dared not go for his Ears, as likewise his Name, which he called Twenty Shillings; with an Account of what followed and how he came off.
Stopped by the Constable near the Tower, he was questioned about where he had been, where he was going, his name, and where he lived. He replied that he was going where the Constable would have liked to be, and that he couldn't go where he was headed because he was afraid for his ears. He also said his name was Twenty Shillings, along with an account of what happened next and how he got out of it.
To the Tune of The New Rant.
To the Tune of The New Rant.
Licensed according to order.
Licensed per order.
a Watchmaker home did repair;
a watchmaker home did repairs;
When coming along by the Tower,
When walking by the Tower,
was stopp'd by the Constable there.
was stopped by the Constable there.
Friend, come before Mr Constable,
Friend, meet with Mr. Constable,
to see what his Worship will say,
to see what his Worship will say,
You'd have me do more than I'm able,
You want me to do more than I can.
I fear I shall fall by the way.
I’m afraid I might not make it.
Sir, tell me, and do not deceive me,
Sir, please tell me the truth and don’t lie to me,
where have you been playing your part?
where have you been playing your role?
Kind Mr Constable, believe me,
Dear Officer, trust me,
where you'd have been with al your heart.
where you'd have been with all your heart.
Sweet Bacchus in Bumpers were flowing,
Sweet Bacchus was flowing in cups,
which Liquor all mortal Men chears,
which liquor cheers all mortal men,
And now, after all, I am going,
And now, after everything, I'm leaving,
where you dare not come for your Ears.
where you wouldn't want to go for your ears.
Your Words they are sawcy and evil,
Your words are rude and mean,
this may be a Charge to your Purse;
this might cost you some money;
For why? you are something uncivil,
For what reason? You are quite rude,
to answer a Constable thus.
to respond to a Constable like this.
cross Humours we will not allow,
we won't accept any bad vibes,
Sir, out of the King's own Dominion,
Sir, outside the King's own territory,
pray, what can you say to me now?
pray, what can you say to me now?
Pray what is your name you cross Villain;
Pray, what is your name, you crossing villain?
be sure that you answer me true;
be sure to answer me honestly;
Why, Sir, It is just Twenty Shilling,
Why, Sir, it's just 20 shillings,
I think I have satisfied you.
I think I've satisfied you.
What Trade are you, Brewer or Baker?
What do you do, Brewer or Baker?
or do you a Waterman ply?
or do you work as a Waterman?
No, Sir, I'm an honest Watch-maker,
No, sir, I'm a reputable watchmaker,
my Trade I will never deny.
my Trade I will never deny.
Have you e'er a Watch you can show, Sir,?
Have you ever had a watch you can show, Sir?
we'll see how it sutes with our Clocks;
we'll see how it suits our clocks;
Yes, faith, and a Constable too, Sir.
Yes, faith, and a Constable too, Sir.
I wish you were all in the Stocks.
I wish you were all in the stocks.
You Sawcy impertinent Fellow,
You cheeky impertinent fellow,
because you have answered me so,
because you answered me like that,
Although your mad Brains they be mellow,
Although your crazy brains might be relaxed,
this Night to a Prison you go.
this Night to a Prison you go.
Therefore without any more dodging,
So without further ado,
the Lanthorns was lighted streightway;
the Lanthorns was lit right away;
They guarded him to his strong Lodging,
They escorted him to his secure lodging,
to lye there while Nine the next day.
to lie there until nine the next day.
Next Morning the Constable brought him.
Next morning, the officer brought him.
before a Justice to appear,
before a judge to appear,
And earnestly then he besought him,
And then he sincerely pleaded with him,
a Sorrowfull Story to hear.
a Sad Story to hear.
Of all the Transactions he told him,
Of all the transactions he told him,
to which the good Justice reply'd,
to which the good Justice replied,
From Liberty he would withold him,
From Liberty he would withhold him,
till the Naked Truth should be try'd.
till the Naked Truth should be tried.
The Tradesman returned this Answer,
The tradesman replied with this:
the Truth I will never deny;
the truth I will never deny;
If I may speak without Offence, Sir,
If I can speak freely, Sir,
I scorn to be catch'd in a Lye.
I refuse to be caught in a lie.
I said nothing which was unfitting,
I didn’t say anything wrong,
as solemnly here I profess;
as I solemnly profess here;
The King, he is King of Great Britain
The King, he is the King of Great Britain.
The next thing that causes the Trouble,
The next thing that causes the trouble,
my Name he would have me to show,
my Name he would have me show,
and that's Twenty Shillings you know.
and that's twenty shillings, you know.
Then asking me where I was going,
Then asking me where I was headed,
and I being void of all Fears,
and I having no fears at all,
Right readily made him this Answer,
Right readily made him this Answer,
where he dare not go for his Ears.
where he doesn't dare to go because of his ears.
I rambl'd all day, yet the Centre,
I wandered all day, yet the Center,
at night was to lye by my Wife,
at night was to lie next to my wife,
Instead of his Ears, should he venture,
Instead of his ears, should he take the risk,
i' faith it might cost him his Life.
i' faith it could cost him his life.
Now when he had given this Relation,
Now that he had shared this account,
of all that had past in the night,
of everything that happened during the night,
It yielded most pleasant Diversion,
It provided the most enjoyable distraction.
the Justice he laughed outright.
the Justice laughed out loud.
It seems that a Glass of Canary,
It seems that a glass of canary,
conducted the Gallant along:
conducted the Gallant along:
I find that he's nothing but merry,
I find that he’s just full of cheer,
intending no manner of wrong.
intending no harm.
Therefore I will free him from Prison
Therefore, I will free him from prison.
without any Charges or Fees,
no Charges or Fees,
It being no more than right reason,
It's just reasonable,
you watch not for such men as these.
you don't look for men like these.
Printed for B. Deacon at the Angel in Giltspur Street.
Printed for B. Deacon at the Angel on Giltspur Street.
40 Little Britain, by Aldersgate Street.
Little Britain, near Aldersgate St.
41 A mark was a coin worth 13s. 4d., and a noble 6s. 8d.
41 A mark was a coin worth 13 shillings and 4 pence, and a noble was worth 6 shillings and 8 pence.
[17.] A Gentleman ask'd a Shepherd, whether that River was to be passed over or not: Yes, says he, but going to try, flounc'd over head and ears. Why thou Rogue, says he, did you not tell me it might be past over? Truly, Sir, says he, I thought so, for my Geese go over and back again every day.
[17.] A gentleman asked a shepherd if that river could be crossed. "Yes," he replied, but then he jumped in and floundered completely. "Why, you rogue," said the gentleman, "didn’t you tell me it was crossable?" "Honestly, sir," the shepherd replied, "I thought so, because my geese go back and forth across it every day."
Against Swearing.
To sweare in weighty matters by the Masse.
To swear in important matters by the Mass.
But when the Masse went downe (as old men note)
But when the Mass went down (as old men say)
They sware then by the Crosse of this same grote.42
They swore then by the Cross of this same great. 42
But when the Crosse was likewise held in scorne,
But when the Cross was also held in contempt,
Then by their faith, the common oth was sworne.
Then by their faith, the common oath was sworn.
Last, having sworne away all faith and troth,
Last, having sworn away all faith and trust,
Only God damn them is the common oth.
Only God damn them is the common oath.
Thus custome kept decorum by gradation,
Thus, custom maintained decorum by degrees,
That losing Masse, Crosse, Faith, they find damnation.
That losing Masse, Crosse, Faith, they find damnation.
42 Queen Elizabeth's groats were the last bearing a cross on the reverse. James I. coined none.
42 Queen Elizabeth's groats were the last ones to have a cross on the back. James I didn’t mint any.
One fighting with his wife.
Were at it close, exchanging blow for blow.
We were at it close, trading punches back and forth.
Both being eager, both of a stout heart,
Both eager, both strong-hearted,
Endured many a bang ere they would part.
Endured a lot of difficulties before they would separate.
Peter lookt on & would not stint the strife,
Peter looked on and wouldn't stop the conflict,
He's curst (quoth he) that parteth man and wife.
He's cursed (he said) who separates husband and wife.
The Welch Man's Inventory.
Han Infentory of the Couds of William Morgan, ap Renald, ap Hugh, ap Richard, ap Thomas, ap Evan, ap Rice, in the County of Clamorgan, Shentleman.
Han Inventory of the Clouds of William Morgan, ap Renald, ap Hugh, ap Richard, ap Thomas, ap Evan, ap Rice, in the County of Clamorgan, Gentleman.
Item. In the Pantry of Plate, one Grid-iron, one Fripan, one Tripan, three Wooden Ladle, three Cann.
Product. In the Pantry of Plate, one grilling rack, one frying pan, one skillet, three wooden spoons, three cans.
Item. In the Napery, two Towel, two Table Cloath, four Napkin, one for hurself, one for hur Wife Shone, two for Cusen Shon ap Powell and Thomas ap Hugh, when was come to hur House.
Product. In the Napery, two towels, two tablecloths, four napkins, one for herself, one for her wife Shone, two for cousin Shon ap Powell and Thomas ap Hugh, when they arrived at her house.
Hur Pantry
Hur Cattle
Hur Pantry
Hur Cattle
Hur Armory
Hur Armory
Item. In the Wardrope, one Irish Rugg, one Frize Sherkin, one Sheepskin Tublet,43 Two Irish Stocking, two Shooe, six leather Points.
Product. In the Wardrobe, one Irish rug, one frieze fabric from Sherkin, one sheepskin tublet,43 two Irish stockings, two shoes, six leather points.
Item. In the Tary,44 one Toasting Shees, three oaten Cake, three Pint of Cow Milk, one pound of Cow Butter.
Product. In the Tary,44 one toasted cheese, three oat cakes, three pints of cow's milk, one pound of cow's butter.
Item in the Kitchen, one Pan with white Curd, two White pot, two Red Herring, nine Sprat.
Product in the Kitchen, one pan with white cheese, two white pots, two red herrings, nine sprats.
Item. In the Armory of Weapon, to kill her Enemy, One Pack Sword, two edge, two Welsh-hook, three long Club one Cunn, one Mouse trap.
Product. In the Armory of Weapons, to defeat her enemy, one pack sword, double-edged, two Welsh hooks, three long clubs, one cunning device, one mouse trap.
Item. In the Carden, One Ped Carlike, nine Onion, twelve Leek, twelve Worm, twelve Frog.
Product. In the Carden, one pedal car, nine onions, twelve leeks, twelve worms, twelve frogs.
Item. In the Leas-way. Two Tun Cow, one Mountain Calf.
Item. In the Leas-way. Two Toned Cows, one Mountain Calf.
Item. In the Common-field, Two Welch Nag, twelve long leg'd Sheep, fourteen and twenty Coat.
Product. In the Common-field, Two Welsh horses, twelve tall sheep, fourteen and twenty coats.
Item. In the Proom Close, three Robin Run-hole, four Hare, hur own Coods if hur can catch hur.
Product. In the Proom Close, three Robin Run-hole, four Hare, her own goods if she can catch her.
Item. In the Parn one half Heblet of Oate, seven Pea, two Pean.
Product. In the Parn one half Heblet of Oate, seven Pea, two Pean.
Item. In the Closet Two Straw hat, one louse.
Product. In the Closet Two straw hats, one louse.
Item. In the Ped. Two naked Pody, one Shirt, one Flannel smock at hur Ped's head.
Product. In the Ped. Two bare Pody, one shirt, one flannel smock at her Ped's head.
Item. More Cattle about the House. Two Tog, three Cat, twelve Mouse (pox on hur, was eat hur toot Cheese) 1000 White Flea with black Pack.
Item. More Cattle around the House. Two Tog, three Cat, twelve Mouse (curse her, she ate her entire Cheese) 1000 White Flea with black Pack.
Item. More Lumber about the House. One Wife, two Shild, one call hur Plack Shack, and t'other little Morgan.
Product. More lumber about the house. One wife, two kids, one calls her Black Shack, and the other little Morgan.
Item. In the Yard under the Wall, one Wheel, two Pucket, one Ladder, two Rope.
Product. In the Yard beneath the Wall, one Wheel, two Puckets, one Ladder, two Ropes.
This Inventory taken Note in the presence of hur own Cusen Rowland Merideth ap Howel and Lowellin Morgan ap William in Anno 1849,48 upon the Ten and Thirtieth of Shune.
This inventory was noted in the presence of her own cousin Rowland Merideth ap Howel and Lowellin Morgan ap William in the year 1849,48 on the thirtieth of June.
The above named William Morgan dyed when hur had threescore and twenty years, thirteen Months, one Week and Seven days.
The above-named William Morgan died when he was sixty-three years, thirteen months, one week, and seven days old.
A NOTE of some LEGACY of a creat deal of Coods, bequeathed to hur Wife and hur two Shild, and all hur Cusens, and Friends and Kindred in the Manner as followeth.
A NOTE of some LEGACY of a great deal of Goods, bequeathed to her Wife and her two Children, and all her Cousins, and Friends and Relatives in the Manner as follows.
Imprimis. Was give hur teer Wife, Shone Morgan, awl hur Coods in the Ped, over the Ped, and under the Ped.
First. I give to my dear wife, Shone Morgan, all her belongings in the bed, on the bed, and under the bed.
Item. Was give to hur eldest Son Plack Shack, 40 and 12 Card to play at Whipper Shinny 4 Try to sheat hur Cusen: besides awl her Land to the fule value of 20 and 10 shillings 3 groats per Annum.
Product. Was given to her eldest son Plack Shack, 40 and 12 cards to play at Whipper Shinny to try and cheat her cousin: besides all her land to the full value of 20 and 10 shillings 3 groats per year.
Item. Was give to hur second Son, Little Morgan ap Morgan, hur short ladder under the Wall in the Yard and two Rope.49
Product. She gave to her second son, Little Morgan ap Morgan, her short ladder under the wall in the yard and two ropes.49
Item. Was give to hur Cusen Rowland Merideth ap Howell and Lewellin Morgan whom was made her Executor, full power to pay awl hur Tet, when hur can get Money.
Item. Gave to her cousin Rowland Merideth ap Howell and Lewellin Morgan, who was appointed as her Executor, full power to pay all her debts when she can get the money.
Seal'd and deliver'd in the Presence of Evan ap Richard, ap Shinkin, ap Shone, hur own Cusen the Tay and Year above written.
Seal'd and delivered in the presence of Evan ap Richard, ap Shinkin, ap Shone, her own cousin the day and year stated above.
Licens'd and Enter'd.
Licensed and Entered.
London. Printed by and for W. O.50 and sold by the Booksellers.
London. Printed by and for W. O.50 and sold by the booksellers.
43 Doublet.
Doublet.
44 Dairy.
Dairy products.
45 An astrological almanac.
An astrology guide.
46 Chap-book of the "Seven Champions of Christendom."
46 Comic book of the "Seven Champions of Christendom."
47 Ballads.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Songs.
48 Probably antedated two centuries to make it more comical.
48 Likely dated back two hundred years to make it funnier.
49 Is this legacy a gentle intimation to his son that he may hang himself?
49 Is this inheritance a subtle hint to his son that he might take his own life?
50 Is this William Onley, who published from 1650 to 1702?
50 Is this William Onley, who published between 1650 and 1702?
Upon one Day that ran away, and laid the Key under Door.
For Day they say, is run away by Night.
For Day, they say, has been taken over by Night.
The Day is past, why, Landlord! where's your rent,
The day is gone, so hey, Landlord! where's your rent?
Cou'd you not see the Day is almost spent.
Could you not see the day is almost over?
Had you but Kept the Watch well, I suppose,
Had you just kept an eye on the watch, I guess,
'Twas no hard thing to Know how the Day goes?
'Twas not difficult to know how the Day goes?
Day sold and pawn'd and put off what he might,
Day sold and pawned and delayed what he could,
Though it were ne'er so dark, Day would be light:
Though it may be really dark, Day would still be bright:
That he away with so much Rent should get,
That he should get away with so much rent,
Though Day were light, 'twas no light matter yet.
Though Day was bright, it was still no small issue.
You had one Day a Tenant, and wou'd fain
You had a tenant one day, and you'd gladly
Your Eyes might one day see that Day again.
Your eyes might see that day again someday.
No, Landlord, No; you now may truly say,
No, Landlord, no; you can really say now,
And to your cost too, you have lost a Day,
And at your expense too, you have lost a day,
By twy-light Day is neither Day nor Night;
By twilight, Day is neither Day nor Night;
What then? 'twixt both, he's an Hermaphrodite.
What then? Between the two, he's a hermaphrodite.
Day is departed in a Mist, I fear,
Day is gone in a fog, I'm afraid,
For Day is broke, yet does not Day appear:
For Day has broken, yet Day does not show up:
His pale face now does Day in Owl light shrowd,
His pale face is now covered in the light of day like an owl's shadow.
Truth is, at present Day's under a Cloud.
Truth is, right now Day's feeling low.
If you wou'd meet with Day you must be wiser,
If you want to meet with Day, you need to be smarter,
And up betimes, for Day's an early riser.
And up early, since Day gets up first.
Broad Day is early up, but you begin
Broad Day is up early, but you start
To rouze, and then broad Day is shutting in.
To wake up, and now the bright day is coming to an end.
From Sun to Sun are the set times of Pay,
From sunrise to sunset are the fixed times for payment,
But you should have been up by break of Day:
But you should have been up by dawn:
Yet if you had? you had got nothing by 't.
Yet if you had, you'd have gained nothing from it.
For Day was Cunning and broke over Night.
For Day was clever and broke through Night.
Day like a Candle is gone out, and where,
Day has gone out like a candle, and where,
None knows, except to th' other Hemisphear.
None knows, except for the other hemisphere.
You must go look the Day with Candle light,
You need to go check out the Day with candlelight,
This Day was sure begotten in the Night.
This Day was definitely born from the Night.
Might find the Day, but scarce the honest Man.
Might find the Day, but rarely the honest person.
Well, Day farewel; be't spoke to thy small praise
Well, Day goodbye; it's said for your little credit.
There's little honesty found now a Day's.
There's not much honesty anymore.
In vain you do yourself this trouble give,
In vain you're putting yourself through this trouble,
You'l never make an even day while you live;
You’ll never have a good day while you live;
And yet, who trusted him for any Summe,
And yet, who trusted him with any amount,
Might have their mony, if the Day were come.
Might have their money, if the Day had come.
And when will that be; when the Devil's blind;
And when will that be? When the Devil's blind;
You will this Day at the Greek Calends find.
You will find this Day at the Greek Calends.
For, if the Sun doth hang behind the Change,
For, if the Sun is hanging behind the Change,
If you can find the Day before 'tis strange.
If you can find the Day before, it's unusual.
Then to the Tavern, Landlord, let's away,
Then to the tavern, landlord, let’s go.
Chear up your heart, hang't, 'tis a broken Day.
Cheer up your heart, don’t worry, it’s a tough day.
And for your Rent, never thus Rent your Soul,
And for your rent, never let your soul be divided like this,
E're long you'l see Day at a little hole:
E're long you'll see Day at a small opening:
Early enough, and you'l see peep of Day.
Early enough, and you'll see a glimpse of Day.
But how now Landlord? what's the matter pray?
But what's going on, Landlord? What’s the issue?
What, can't you sleep, you do so long for Day?
What, can't you sleep? Do you long for Day?
Have you a mind, Sir, to arrest the Day?
Do you intend to arrest the Day?
There's no such Sergeant as a Joshua.
There's no Sergeant named Joshua.
Why, Landlord, is the Quarter out I pray;
Why, Landlord, is the Quarter out, I ask;
That you Keep such a quarter for the Day?
That you keep such a quarter for the day?
Put off your passion, pray; true, 'tis a Summe:
Put aside your passion, pray; it's true, that's a lot:
But don't you know that a Pay-day will come?
But don’t you realize that payday will come?
I'le warrant you, do you but banish sorrow,
I promise you, if you just get rid of sorrow,
My life for yours, Day comes again to morrow.
My life for yours, Day comes again tomorrow.
51 Diogenes.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Diogenes.
[26.] A Person of Quality in this Kingdom, was one night at Supper at Pickadilly house which was then an Ordinary and great Gaming House, where he had bowled all day; and after Supper he call'd for some Cheese, which it seems was very thin and lean; then he ask't the Master of the House, where those Cows went, of whose Milk that Cheese was made? He told him they graz'd not far off; then he swore a great Oath that he was Confident that they never fed in any other place than his Bowling Alley, which was made good by the fatness of the Cheese they now tasted of, for it cries Rub, rub, in the eating of it, when 'tis so long a going down.
[26.] A respected person in this kingdom was having dinner one night at Pickadilly house, which was then a restaurant and popular gaming spot, where he had bowled all day. After dinner, he asked for some cheese, which turned out to be very thin and lacking in flavor. He then asked the owner of the establishment where the cows were that produced the milk for that cheese. The owner replied that they grazed nearby. The man then swore an oath, expressing his belief that those cows had only ever fed in his bowling alley, a notion supported by the poor quality of the cheese they were eating, which made a Rub, rub sound as it went down due to its long journey through the throat.
Another person of Quality also, in this Kingdom, amongst other Gentlemen, did often meet at a Bowling Ally, which stood next to the Church-yard; and the Parson of that Church had this Benefit, That if any did swear there, he was to have 12d for every Oath: This Person aforesaid, happened to swear a great Goliah Oath, upon which the Parson demanded 12d. which he gave him; and after that swore many others, for which he paid 12d a piece; and then swearing another, he demanded 12d as before; then he pluckt out of his pocket a 20 Shilling piece and bid him give him 19s. again. Sir, says he, I cannot. Why then, says he, take it for I intend to swear it out.
Another person of high status in this kingdom often met with other gentlemen at a bowling alley next to the churchyard. The vicar of that church had a nice deal: if anyone swore there, he would get 12 pence for every swear word. This person happened to let out a huge oath, and the vicar asked for 12 pence, which he paid. After that, he swore several more times, for which he also paid 12 pence each time. Then, when he swore again, the vicar asked for 12 pence as usual. He pulled out a 20-shilling coin and told the vicar to give him back 19 shillings. "Sir," he said, "I can't." "Well then," he replied, "consider it taken because I plan to swear it out."
THE GREAT BOOBEE.53
To a pleasant New Tune or Sallenger's Round.
To a catchy new song or Sallenger's Round.
my Fortunes what they are,
my fortunes, what are they?
I once had Cattell, House and Land,
I once had Cattell, House, and Land,
but now I am never the near;
but now I'm always distant;
My Father left a good estate,
My dad left a nice estate,
as I may tell to thee,
as I might say to you,
I couzned was of all I had,
I was cheated out of everything I had,
like a great Boobee.
like an awesome Boobee.
I went to School with a good intent,
I went to school with good intentions,
and for to learn my Book,
and to study my Book,
And all the day I went to play,
And all day I went to play,
in it I never did look:
in it I never did look:
Full seven years, or very nigh,
Nearly seven years,
as I may tell to thee,
as far as I know,
like a great Boobee.
like a cool Boobee.
My Father then in all the haste,
My father then, in all the rush,
did set me to the Plow,
did set me to the plow,
And for to lash the Horse about,
And to whip the horse around,
indeed I knew not how:
I truly didn't know how.
My Father took his Whip in his hand,
My father took his whip in his hand,
and soundly lashed me,
and gave me a beating,
He call'd me Fool and Country Clown,
He called me a fool and a country bumpkin,
and great Boobee.
and great Boobee.
But I did from my Father run,
But I did run from my Father,
for I will plow no more,
for I will plow no more,
Because he so had slashed me,
Because he had cut me so badly,
and made my sides so sore:
and made my sides so sore:
But I will go to London Town
But I will go to London.
some Vashions for to see,
some fashions to see,
When I came there, they call'd me Clown
When I got there, they called me Clown.
and great Boobee.
and great Boobee.
But as I went along the street,
But as I walked down the street,
I carried my Hat in my hand,
I carried my hat in my hand,
And to every one that I did meet,
To everyone I met,
I bravely bust55 my hand:
I bravely broke my hand:
Some did laugh, and some did scoff,
Some laughed, and some teased,
and some did mock at me,
and some made fun of me,
And some did say I was a Woodcock,
And some said I was a woodcock,
and a great Boobee.
and a great Boobee.
Then did I walk in hast to Paul's
Then I rushed over to Paul's
the Steeple for to view,
the Steeple to view,
Because I heard some people say,
Because I heard some people say,
it must be builded new;
it must be rebuilt;
Then I got up unto the top,
Then I got to the top,
the City for to see,
the city to see,
It was so high, it made me Cry
It was so high, it made me cry.
like a great Boobee.
like a great buddy.
From thence I went to Westminster
From there, I went to Westminster.
and for to see the Tombs,
and to visit the tombs,
Ah, said I, what a house is here,
Ah, I said, what a house this is,
with an infinite sight of Rooms?
with an endless view of rooms?
Sweetly the Abby bells did ring,
The Abbey bells chimed sweetly,
it was a fine sight to see,
it was a great sight to see,
Methought I was going to Heaven in a string
Methought I was going to Heaven in a string
like a great Boobee.
like a great Boobie.
But as I went along the Street
But as I walked down the street
the most part of the day,
most of the day,
Many gallants did I meet
I met many charming men.
methought they were very gay:
I thought they were very happy.
I blew my Nose and foul'd my Hose,
I blew my nose and messed up my hose,
some people did me see,
some people saw me,
They said I was a Beastly Fool,
They said I was a total idiot,
and a great Boobee.
and a great Booby.
Next day I through Pye Corner past
Next day I passed Pye Corner
the roast meat on the Stall
the roast meat on the stall
Invited me to take a taste
Invited me to have a taste
my Money was but small:
my money was limited:
The Meat I pickt, the Cook me kickt
The meat I picked, the cook kicked me.
as I may tell to thee,
as I can tell you,
He beat me sore, and made me rore,
He beat me up badly, and made me roar,
like a great Boobee.
like a cool Boobee.
As I through Smithfield lately walkt
As I walked through Smithfield recently
a gallant Lass I met
a brave girl I met
Familiarly with me she talkt,
She talked to me casually,
which I cannot forget:
that I can't forget:
She proferr'd me a pint of Wine,
She offered me a pint of wine,
methought she was wondrous free,
I thought she was really free,
To the Tavern then I went with her,
To the tavern then I went with her,
like a great Boobee.
like a great friend.
She told me we were neer of kin,
She told me we were never related,
and call'd for Wine good store,
and called for plenty of wine,
Before the reckoning was brought in
Before the reckoning was brought in
my Cousin proved a ——:
my cousin proved a ——:
My Purse she pickt, and went away,
My purse was taken, and she left.
my Cousin couzned me,
my cousin scammed me,
The Vintner kickt me out of door,
The vintner kicked me out the door,
like a great Boobee.
like a awesome Boobee.
At the Exchange when I came there,
At the Exchange when I arrived,
I saw most gallant things,
I saw the bravest things,
I thought the Pictures living were
I thought the living Pictures were
of all our English Kings:
of all our English kings:
I doft my Hat, and made a Leg,
I took off my hat and bowed.
and kneeled on my knee,
and knelt on my knee,
The people laught, and call'd me Fool,
The people laughed and called me a fool,
and great Boobee.
and great Boobee.
To Paris Garden56 then I went,
where there is great resort,
where there is a lot of activity,
My pleasure was my punishment,
My pleasure was my curse,
I did not like the sport:
I wasn't into the sport:
The Garden Bull with his stout horns
The Garden Bull with his strong horns
on high then tossed me,
threw me up high,
I did bewray myself with fear,
I revealed myself out of fear,
like a great Boobee.
like a great Baby.
Then o're the Water did I pass,
Then I crossed over the water,
as you shall understand,
as you'll understand,
I dropt into the Thames alas
I fell into the Thames, unfortunately.
before I came to Land:
before I arrived at Land:
The Water-man did help me out,
The water guy helped me out,
and thus did say to me,
and thus said to me,
Tis not thy fortune to be drown'd
It's not your fate to drown.
like a great Boobee.
like a cool Boobee.
But I have learned so much wit,
But I've learned so much wit,
shall shorten all my cares,
will lessen all my worries,
If I can but a License get
If I can just get a license
to play before the Bears:
to play against the Bears:
'Twill be a gallant place indeed,
'It will be a great place indeed,
as I may tell to thee
as I could tell you
Then who dare call me Fool or Ass
Then who dares to call me a fool or an idiot?
or great Boobee.
or great Boobie.
Printed for F. Coles,57 in Wine Street, on Saffron Hill near Hatton Garden.
Printed for F. Coles,57 in Wine Street, on Saffron Hill near Hatton Garden.
54 The alphabet, so called because in the old Horn books the letters, which were of course in a row, commenced with a Cross. In Morley's Introduction to Practical Music (printed 1597) is the following: "Christes Crosse be my speed, in all vertue to proceede A. b. c. d. e. f. g. h. i. k. l. m. n. o. p. q. r. s. and t. double u. v. with y, ezod & per se, con per se, tittle, tittle est. Amen. When you have done begin again, begin again!"
54 The alphabet, named this way because in the old Horn books the letters, which were arranged in a line, started with a Cross. In Morley's Introduction to Practical Music (printed 1597) is the following: "Christ's Cross guide me, in all goodness to proceed A. b. c. d. e. f. g. h. i. k. l. m. n. o. p. q. r. s. and t. double u. v. with y, ezod & per se, con per se, tittle, tittle is. Amen. When you're done, start again, start again!"
55 Kissed (bussed).
Kissed (bussed).
56 A place at Bankside, Southwark, famous for bull and bear baiting.
56 A site in Bankside, Southwark, known for bull and bear baiting.
[18.] A pleasant Fancy of an Italian by name Trivelino, Who falling asleep one Day, with his Horse's Bridle twisted in his Arm, another came who unbridled his Horse and got away. Trivelino being awaked, and missing his Horse began to feel himself about, saying Either I am Trivelino, or not: If I am Trivelino my Horse is lost; If not, I have got a Bridle, but know not how.
[18.] A humorous story about an Italian named Trivelino, who fell asleep one day with his horse’s bridle wrapped around his arm. While he slept, someone came along, took off his horse’s bridle, and rode away with his horse. When Trivelino woke up and noticed his horse was gone, he started to feel around, saying, “Either I am Trivelino, or I’m not. If I am Trivelino, then my horse is lost; if I’m not, I have a bridle but don’t know how I got it.”
[12.]A simple Fellow lookt
A simple guy looked
On a dish that was cookt,
On a dish that was cooked,
Wherein was a Calves Head by name;
Where there was a Calf's Head by name;
One told him, 'twas so clear,
One told him, 'it was so clear,
If he lookt very near,
If he looked very closely,
He might see his face in the same.
He might see his face in it too.
Ad Johannuelem Leporem, Lepidissimum;
Carmen Heroicum.
Acted in eight and twenty fathom deep,
Acted in twenty-eight meters deep,
And from that (a) time, reckon so many yeares
And from that (a) time, count so many years.
You'l find (b) Endimion fell fast asleep.
You'll find (b) Endimion fell asleep quickly.
a. There began the Utopian accompt of years. Mor: Lib 1. circa finem.
a. That’s where the Utopian account of years started. Mor: Lib 1. around the end.
b. Endimion was a handsome young Welshman, whom one Luce Moone lov'd for his sweet breath; and would never hang off his lips; but he not caring for her, eat abundance of toasted cheese, purposely to make his breath unsavory; upon which she left him presently, and ever since 'tis proverbially spoken (as inconstant as Luce Moone). The Vatican coppy of Hesiod reades her name Mohun, but contractedly it is Moone. Hesiod. lib 4. tom. 3.
b. Endimion was a handsome young Welshman whom a girl named Luce Moone loved for his sweet breath and would never stop kissing him. However, he wasn’t into her, so he ate a lot of toasted cheese just to make his breath smell bad. Because of that, she quickly left him, and ever since then, people have said (as inconsistent as Luce Moone). The Vatican version of Hesiod spells her name Mohun, but it’s commonly written as Moone. Hesiod. lib 4. tom. 3.
And now assist me O ye (c) Musiques nine
And now help me, O you (c) nine Muses
That tell the Orbs in order as they fight
That tell the Orbs in sequence as they battle
And thou dread (d) Atlas with thine eyes so fine,
And you, terrifying (d) Atlas, with your beautiful eyes,
Smile on me now that first begin to write.
Smile on me now that I first begin to write.
c. For all the Orbes make Musick in their motion. Berosus de Sphera, lib 3.
c. All the spheres create music in their movement. Berosus de Sphera, lib 3.
d. Atlas was a Porter in Mauritania, and because by reason of his strength, he bore burthens of stupendious weight, the Poets fain'd that he carried the Heavens on his shoulders. Cicero de nat Deorum. lib. 7.
d. Atlas was a porter in Mauritania, and due to his incredible strength, he carried burdens of enormous weight, leading poets to imagine that he held the heavens on his shoulders. Cicero de nat Deorum. lib. 7.
(e) Pompey that once was Tapster of New June,
(e) Pompey who was once the bartender at New June,
And fought with Cæsar on th' (f) Æmathian plaines,
And fought with Cæsar on the (f) Æmathian plains,
First with his dreadful (g) Myrmidons came in,
First, his fearsome Myrmidons entered,
And let them blood in the Hepatick veines.
And let them bleed in the hepatic veins.
e. There were two others of this name. Aldermen of Rome. Tit. Liv. hist. lib. 28.
e. There were two other people with this name. Aldermen of Rome. Tit. Liv. hist. lib. 28.
f. Æmathia is a very faire Common in Northampton shire. Strabo. lib 321.
f. Æmathia is a beautiful area in Northamptonshire. Strabo. lib 321.
g. These Myrmidons were Cornish-men and sent by Bladud, sometime king of this Realme, to ayd Pompey. Cæsar de bello. civili. lib. 14.
g. These Myrmidons were Cornish-men and sent by Bladud, once king of this realm, to help Pompey. Cæsar de bello. civili. lib. 14.
But then an Antelope in Sable blew,
But then a Sable Antelope blew,
Clad like the (h) Prince of Aurange in his cloke,
Clothed like the (h) Prince of Aurange in his cloak,
Studded with Satyres, on his Army drew,
Studded with Satyrs, he led his army.
And presently (i) Pheander's Army broke.
And soon (i) Pheander's Army broke.
h. It seemes not to be meant by Count Henry but his brother Maurice, by comparing his picture to the thing here spoken of. Jansen, de præd. lib 22.
h. It doesn't seem to be intended by Count Henry but rather his brother Maurice, when comparing his picture to what is being discussed here. Jansen, de præd. lib 22.
i. Pheander was so modest, that he was called the Maiden Knight; and yet so valiant, that a French Cavaleer wrote his life, and called his book Pheander the Maiden Knight. Hon. d'Urfee. Tom 45.
i. Pheander was so humble that he earned the nickname the Maiden Knight; and yet he was so brave that a French knight wrote his biography and titled it Pheander the Maiden Knight. Hon. d'Urfee. Tom 45.
(k) Philip for hardiness sirnamed Chub,
Philip "Chub" for toughness,
In Beauty equall to fork bearing (l) Bacchus,
In beauty equal to that of fork-bearing (l) Bacchus,
Made such a thrust at (m) Phœbe with his Club,
Made such a swing at (m) Phœbe with his club,
That made the (n) Parthians cry she will —— us.
That made the (n) Parthians cry she will —— us.
k. This seems not to be that king that was Son of Amintas, and king of Macedon; but one who it seems was very lascivious.
k. This doesn't appear to be the king who was the son of Amintas and king of Macedon; rather, it seems he was quite promiscuous.
l. Bacchus was a drunken yeoman of the Guard to Queen Elizabeth and a great Archer; so that it seems the Authour mistooke his halbert for a forke.
l. Bacchus was a tipsy member of the Guard to Queen Elizabeth and a skilled archer; it looks like the author confused his halberd for a pitchfork.
m. This was Long-Megg58 of Westminster, who after this conflict with Phillip followed him in all his warres. Justinian. lib 35.
m. This was Long-Megg58 of Westminster, who after this conflict with Phillip accompanied him in all his wars. Justinian. lib 35.
n. These were Lancashire-men and sent by King Gorbadug (for this war seemes to have been in the time of the Heptarchy in England) to the aide of Cæsar. Cæsar. lib. citat. prope finem.
n. These were Lancashire men sent by King Gorbadug (this war seems to have happened during the time of the Heptarchy in England) to assist Cæsar. Cæsar. lib. citat. prope finem.
A subtle Gloworme lying in a hedge,
A subtle Glowworm resting in a hedge,
And heard the story of sweet cheek't (o) Apollo,
And heard the story of sweet-cheeked (o) Apollo,
Snatch'd from bright (p) Styropes his Antick sledge,
Snatched from bright (p) Styropes his quirky sledge,
And to the butter'd Flownders cry'd out (q) Holla.
And called out to the buttered flounders, "Hey!"
o. Apollo was Cæsars Page, and a Monomapatan by birth, whose name by inversion was Ollopa: which in the old language of that Country, signifies as much as faire youth: but Euphoniæ Gratia, called Apollo. Gor. Bec. lib. 46.
o. Apollo was Caesar's page and a Monomapatan by birth, whose name when reversed was Ollopa: which in the ancient language of that country means beautiful youth: but for the sake of euphony, he was called Apollo. Gor. Bec. lib. 46.
p. Styropes was a lame Smith's-man dwelling in St. John's Street; but how he was called Bright I know not, except it were by reason of the Luster of his eyes.
p. Styropes was a disabled blacksmith living on St. John's Street; but I have no idea why he was named Bright, unless it was because of the shine in his eyes.
q. Holla, mistaken for Apollo.
q. Hey, mistaken for Apollo.
Holla you pamper'd Jades, quoth he, look here,
Hey you spoiled girls, he said, look here,
And mounting straight upon a Lobsters thigh,
And climbing right onto a lobster's thigh,
An English man inflam'd with (r) double Beere,
An English man fired up on (r) double beer,
Swore nev'r to (s) drink to Man, a Woman by.
Swore never to (s) drink with a man, a woman nearby.
r. Cervisia (apud Medicos, vinum hordeaceum) potus est Anglis longè charismus; Inventum Ferrarii Londinensis, Cui nomen Smuggo. Polydor. Virgil. de Invent. rerum. lib. 2.
r. Cervisia (in medicine, barley wine) is a drink greatly cherished by the English; invented by Ferrarii of London, named Smuggo. Polydor. Virgil. on the Inventions of things, book 2.
s. Impp. Germaniæ, antiquitus solebant, statis temporibus, adire Basingstochium; ubi, de more, Jusjurandum solenne præstabant, de non viro propinando, præsente muliere. Hic Mos, jamdudum apud Anglos, pene vim legis obtinuit; quippe gens illa, longe humanissima morem istum, in hodiernum usque diem, magna Curiositate, pari Comitate conjuncta, usurpant. Pancirol. utriusque imperii. lib. 6. cap 5.
s. The Germans used to go to Basingstochium at regular times; there, as was customary, they would take a solemn oath not to harm a man in the presence of a woman. This practice has long had the force of law among the English; indeed, that people, known for their humanity, still observes this tradition with great curiosity and equal friendliness to this day. Pancirol. of both empires. book 6. chapter 5.
By this time grew the conflict to be (t) hot,
By this time, the conflict had become really intense,
Boots against boots, 'gainst (u) Sandals, Sandals fly,
Boots against boots, against (u) Sandals, Sandals go flying,
Many poor thirsty men went to the pot,
Many desperate, thirsty men went to the pot,
Feathers lopt off, spurrs every where did lie.
Feathers were scattered everywhere, and spurs lay all around.
Cætera desiderantur.
The rest is missing.
t. It seems this was a great battail, both by the furie of it, and the aydes of each side; but hereof read more in Cornel. Tacit. lib. de moribus German.
t. It looks like this was a huge battle, judging by the intensity of it and the support from both sides; but you can read more about it in Cornel. Tacit. lib. de moribus German.
u. This is an imitation of Lucan. "Signis Signa & pila" &c. Pharsalia. lib. 1. in principio.
u. This is an imitation of Lucan. "Signs, Signals & Spears" &c. Pharsalia. lib. 1. at the beginning.
Of Treason.
Gave a little glass of Sack.
Gave a small glass of wine.
To a Lass that liv'd at the Spittle;
To a girl who lived at the Spittle;
'Tis old wine, says he,
"It's old wine," he says.
That's a wonder, says she,
That's amazing, she says.
To be old, and yet so little.
To be old, and still so small.
[18.] 'Tis said of one who well remembred what he had lent, but forgot what he had borrowed, that he had lost one half of his Memory.
[18.] 'It is said of someone who clearly remembered what they had lent, but forgot what they had borrowed, that they had lost half of their memory.
On the word intollerable.
And call'd the drawer for to shew a room,
And called the waiter to show a room,
The drawer did, and what room think ye was't?
The drawer did, and what room do you think it was?
One of the small ones, where men drink in haste;
One of the little places where guys drink quickly;
One gentleman sat down there, but the other
One guy sat down there, but the other
Dislik'd it, would not sit, call'd for another:
Disliked it, wouldn’t sit, asked for another:
At which his friend, rising up from the table,
At that, his friend stood up from the table,
Cryes, friend, let's stay, this room is tollerable:
Cry, friend, let's stay; this room is decent.
Why, that's the cause (quoth hee) I will not stay,
Why, that's the reason (he said) I won't stick around,
Is that the cause, quoth th' other? why, I pray?
Is that the reason, the other replied? Why, I ask?
To give a reason to you, I am able,
To provide you with a reason, I can,
Because I hate to be in—Tollerable.
Because I can't stand it—Unbearable.
[26.] A Gentleman coming drunk to Bed over night, in the morning could not find his breeches: then he knock'd for the Chamberlain: Sir, says he, if you are sure you brought them in with you, you had best search your pockets for them, for you lost all your Money last Night out of your Pockets, it may be your Breeches are got in there.
[26.] A guy came home drunk one night and couldn't find his pants in the morning. So he called for the chamberlain: Sir, he said, if you’re sure you brought them in with you, you should check your pockets for them, since you lost all your money last night from your pockets; maybe your pants ended up in there.
The sly Northern beggar
Who all the By-standers doth earnestly pray
To bestow a penny upon him to day.
Who all the bystanders earnestly pray
To give a penny to him today.
To the Tune of Tom of Bedlam.
To the Tune of Tom of Bedlam.
[29.]I am a lusty begger,
I am a horny beggar,
And live by others giving,
And live by others sharing,
I scorne to worke,
I refuse to work,
But by the highway lurke,
But by the highway lurk,
And beg to get my living:
And ask for help to survive:
I'le i' th' wind and weather,
I’ll be in the wind and weather,
And weare all ragged Garments,
And we are all ragged clothes,
Yet though I am bare,
Yet though I am nude,
I am free from care,
I am carefree,
A fig for high preferments.
A fig for high positions.
For still will I cry good, your worship, good sir,
For I will still call you good, your honor, good sir,
Bestow one poor denier, sir;
Give one poor denier, sir;
Which when I've got,
Once I have that,
At the Pipe and Pot,
At the Pipe and Pot,
I soon will it cashiere, sir.
I will cash out soon, sir.
I have my shifts about me,
I have my shifts around me,
Like Proteus often changing,
Like Proteus constantly changing,
My shape when I will
My form when I will
I alter still,
I'm still changing,
About the country ranging:
About the country range:
As soon as I a Coatch see,
As soon as I see a coach,
Or Gallants by come riding,
Or gallants come riding,
I take my Crotch,
I grab my crotch,
And rouse from my Couch,
And get up from my couch,
Whereas I lay abiding.
Where I lie waiting.
And still doe cry, &c.
And still do cry, etc.
Now as a wandring Souldier,
Now as a wandering soldier,
(That has i' th' warres bin maymed
(That has in the wars been maimed
With the shot of a Gunne)
With the shot of a gun
To Gallants I runne,
To the guys I run,
And begg, sir, helpe the lamed:
And please, sir, help the injured:
I am a poore old Souldier
I am a poor old soldier.
And better times once viewed,
And better times once seen,
Though bare now I goe,
Though I'm bare now, I go,
Yet many a foe,
Yet many foes,
By me hath been subdued.
I have subdued.
And therefore I cry &c.
So I cry, etc.
Although I nere was further,
Although I never was further,
Than Kentish-street in Southwarke,
Than Kentish Street in Southwark,
Nor ere did see
Never did see
A Battery
A Battery Pack
Made against any bulwarke;
Made against any barricade;
But with my Tricks and Doxes,
But with my tricks and schemes,
Lay in some corner lurking,
Lurking in a corner,
And nere went abroad,
And then went out,
But to beg on the road,
But to solicit on the road,
To keep my selfe from working:
To avoid working:
And alwaies to cry &c.
And always to cry, etc.
Anon I'm like a saylor
Anon I'm like a sailor
And weare old Canvas cloathing,
And we are wearing old canvas clothing,
And then I say
And then I said
The Dunkerks away,
Dunkirk's gone,
Took all and left me nothing:
Took everything and left me with nothing:
Sixe ships set all upon us,
Sixe ships set all upon us,
'Gainst which we bravely ventur'd
Against which we bravely ventured
And long withstood,
And long endured,
Yet could doe no good,
Yet could do no good,
Our ship at length they enter'd
They finally boarded our ship.
And therefore I cry &c.
And so I cry etc.
Sometime I like a Criple
Sometimes I like a Cripple
Upon the ground lye crawling,
Lying on the ground, crawling,
For money I begge,
For money I beg,
As wanting a legge
As wanting a law
To beare my corps from falling:
To keep my body from falling:
Then seeme I weake of body,
Then I feel weak in body,
And long t' have beene diseased,
And it has been a long time since I've been unwell,
And make complaint
And file a complaint
As ready to faint,
About to faint,
And of my griefs increased.
And my griefs grew.
And faintly I cry &c.
And softly I cry &c.
My flesh I can so temper,
I can control my body,
That it shall seeme to feister
That it shall seem to feister
And looke all ore,
And look all around,
Like a raw sore,
Like an open wound,
Whereon I stick a plaister:
Where I put a bandage:
With blood I daub my face then,
With blood, I smear my face then,
To faigne the falling sicknesse,
To pretend to be sick,
That in every place
Everywhere
They pitty my case,
They pity my situation,
As if it came from weaknesse.
As if it came from weakness.
And then I doe cry &c.
And then I do cry etc.
Then as if my sight I wanted,
Then, as if I were searching for my vision,
A Boy doth walke beside me,
A boy walks next to me,
Or else I doe
Or else I do
Grope as I goe,
Groping as I go,
Or have a dog to guide me:
Or have a dog to lead me:
And when I'm thus accounted,
And when I'm regarded this way,
To th' highway side I hye me,
To the side of the highway, I hurry,
And there I stand
Here I am
With Cords in my hand,
With cords in my hand,
And beg of all comes nye me.
And I beg that all come near me.
And earnestly cry &c.
And sincerely cry, etc.
Next to some country fellow
Next to a local person
I presently am turned,
I'm currently turned,
And cry alacke,
And cry alas,
With a Child at my back,
With a child behind me,
My house and goods were burned:
My house and belongings were burned:
Then me my Doxes follow,
Then my Doxes follow me,
Who for my Wifes believed,
Who believed in my wife,
And along wee two
And along we two
Together goe,
Together we go,
With such mischances grieved.
Grieving over such bad luck.
And still we doe cry &c.
And still we do cry &c.
What though I cannot labour,
Even if I can't work,
Shall I therefore pine with hunger,
Shall I then waste away from hunger,
No, rather than I
No, instead of me
Will starve where I lye,
Will starve where I lie,
I'le beg of the money monger:
I’ll ask the loan shark:
No other care shall trouble
No other care will bother
My minde, nor griefe disease me,
My mind, nor grief, bothers me,
Though sometimes the flash
Though sometimes the spotlight
I get or the lash
I get or the whip
'Twill but a while displease me.
It will only bother me for a little while.
And still will I cry &c.
And still I will cry &c.
No tricks at all shall scape me,
No tricks will get past me,
But I will by my maunding
But I will by my complaining
Get some reliefe
Get some relief
To ease my griefe,
To ease my grief,
When by the highway standing:
When standing by the highway:
'Tis better be a Begger
It's better to be a beggar.
And aske of kind good fellowes,
And ask of kind good people,
And honestly have
And honestly, have
What we do crave,
What we really want,
Than steale and goe to the Gallowes.
Than steal and go to the gallows.
Therefore I'le cry &c.
So I’ll cry etc.
FINIS.
DONE.
59 Same as Francis Coles (see "The Great Boobee").
59 Same as Francis Coles (see "The Great Boobee").
[26.] One coming into New-Market to buy some Butter, and there cheapened some; and the woman askt. 10d a pound: then he smelt to it; What, says she, do you smell to it, it seems you do not like my Butter: Yes, says he, but 'tis no better than it should be. Then you'll buy none, says she: No, says he, for a reason best known to myself. Then she askt him the reason, and with much importunity he told her, 'twas because he had no Money: Well then, says the Woman, take it for nothing, so you'll pay me for it next time you come.
[26.] One person went to New-Market to buy some butter, and they haggled a bit over the price. The woman asked for 10d a pound. Then he smelled it. What, she said, are you smelling it? It seems you don’t like my butter. Yes, he replied, but it’s just as good as it should be. Then you won’t buy any, she replied. No, he said, for a reason I prefer to keep to myself. She asked him why, and after a lot of prodding, he finally told her it was because he had no money. Well then, the woman said, take it for free, just promise me you’ll pay me next time you come.
To spit in my face,
To spit in my face,
That he vow'd, he wou'd him kill;
That he vowed he would kill him;
Sir, I pray forbear,
Sir, please hold on,
I thought no hurt here,
I thought there was no pain here,
Nay, I'le tread it out, if you will.
Nay, I'll take care of it, if you want.
A contest at the Hoop-Tavern between two Lawyers.
And as 'twas made, 'twas try'd at Bacchus Bar;
And as it was made, it was tried at Bacchus Bar;
The Jury Pints and Quarts, and Pottles were,
The Jury Pints and Quarts, and Pottles were,
Each of a quick and understanding Eare,
Each of a quick and understanding ear,
Brought in their verdict, which no sooner pass'd
Brought in their verdict, which barely passed
But that the Lawyers they themselves did cast.
But that the lawyers made themselves.
Sir Burdeux Claret, White, Signiour Canary,
Sir Burdeux Claret, White, Signiour Canary,
Sir Reynold Rhenish, with a tertiorary,
Sir Reynold Rhenish, with a tertiary,
Whipt up my Youths (& they ye know were able)
Whipped up my friends (and they, as you know, were capable)
This into th' Chimny, that beneath the Table.
This goes into the chimney, that beneath the table.
Where They lay both, instead of a demur,
Where They lay both, instead of a pause,
So foxt, that neither, in the case, could stir,
So fixed that neither of them could move.
They might have else a Writ of Error got,
They might have gotten a Writ of Error,
But, O the Error of the Pottle Pot!
But, oh the mistake of the Pottle Pot!
Both over-thrown, and on their backs now laid,
Both overthrown, and lying on their backs now,
Let the Sute fall, and their own charges paid.
Let the Sute fall, and their own expenses settled.
And thus, though Westminster makes Clients stoop,
And so, even though Westminster makes Clients bend,
The Lawyer's Case was alter'd at the Hoop.
The Lawyer's Case was changed at the Hoop.
[4.] A Conceited Scholar that was lately come from Oxford, drinking with two or three Gentlemen, at the Mitre Tavern in the Poultrey, was very brisk and airy, and would needs be forming of Sylogismes &c. One wise one was this, He bid them fill two Glasses of Wine, which they did: now: says he, I will prove those two Glasses to be three, thus, Is not here one, says he? Yes, says the Gentleman. And here another, that's two, says he; Yes, says the Gentleman again. Why, then, says he, one and two is three, so 'tis done. Very well, says the Gentleman, I'll have one Glass, and that Gentleman shall have the other, and you shall have the third for your pains in finding it out.
[4.] A proud scholar who had just come from Oxford, was drinking with a couple of gentlemen at the Mitre Tavern on the Poultry. He was quite lively and wanted to start forming syllogisms, and one of his clever ones was this: He asked them to fill two glasses of wine, which they did. Then he said, "I will prove that those two glasses equal three. Look, isn’t this one?" "Yes," said the gentleman. "And here’s another; that's two," he continued. "Yes," the gentleman replied again. "Well then," he said, "one and two makes three, so that’s settled." "Very good," responded the gentleman, "I'll have one glass, and that gentleman will have the other, and you can have the third as a reward for figuring it out."
Of inclosing a Common.
To compass in a Common with a rayle,
To enclose a common area with a fence,
Was reckoning with his friend about the Cost,
Was discussing with his friend about the cost,
And charge of every rayle, and every post:
And charge of every rail, and every post:
But he, (that wisht his greedy humour crost)
But he, who wanted his greedy desires frustrated
Said, Sir, provide you Posts, and without fayling,
Said, Sir, provide you posts, and without fail,
Your neighbours round about will find you rayling.
Your neighbors around you will find you complaining.
Such a gaping in your sleep,
Such a big yawn in your sleep,
He told 'em then they did lye all;
He told them then that they were all lying;
For a looking glass he'd buy,
For a mirror he’d buy,
At his bed's-feet to lye,
At the foot of his bed,
On purpose to make a tryal.
On purpose to make a trial.
[4.] A Scholar of Oxford having wore out the Heels of his Boots, brought them in his hands to a Cobler, and shewing him them, said, O thou curious Artificer, that hast by no small pains and study, arrived to the perfection of that exquisite art of repairing the defects of old decayed Calcuments, affix me two Semicircles to my Suppeditors. The Cobler stared upon him, as if he would have looked him through; but a little recovering himself, said, Before George, Sir, I understand not your hard [pg 82] Language: but if I put on two Heel pieces, I'll have a Groat for them.
[4.] A scholar from Oxford who had worn out the heels of his boots brought them in his hands to a cobbler. Showing them to the cobbler, he said, Oh, you skilled craftsman, who through great effort and study have mastered the fine art of repairing the flaws of old, worn footwear, please attach two heel pieces to my shoes. The cobbler stared at him, as if trying to see through him, but after a moment he collected himself and said, Honestly, sir, I don't understand your complicated language; but if I put on two heel pieces, I'll charge you a groat for them.
The same Scholar being asked by a Porter for a Gentleman's Chamber in the Colledg, he directed him thus, you must crucifie the Quadrangle, and ascend the Grades, and you will find him perambulating in his Cubicle, near the Fenester. Pray Sir, says the Porter, what is that Fenester? It is, replies the Scholar, the Diaphonous part of an Edifice, erected for the Introduction of Illumination, which so amazed the Porter, that at first he did not know what to think, till recovering himself, he went and enquired of another, who gave him plainer directions, in more intelligible terms.
The same scholar was asked by a porter for directions to a gentleman's room in the college. He told him, You need to cross the quadrangle, go up the stairs, and you'll find him wandering in his small office, near the window. "Excuse me, sir," said the porter, "what's a fenester?" It is, replied the scholar, the clear part of a building designed to let in light. This left the porter so stunned that he didn't know how to react at first. Once he gathered himself, he went and asked someone else, who gave him simpler directions in more understandable terms.
A Warning for Critics
or
A True Way of Taming a Shrew.
To the tune of Why are my eyes still flowing.
To the tune of Why are my eyes still flowing.
This may be printed R.P.
This can be printed R.P.
Who in her humours would ne'r be controul'd,
Who in her moods would never be controlled,
So that he was almost a weary of his Life,
So he was almost tired of his life,
By the cross humours of his froward Wife:
By the cross moods of his stubborn wife:
Although he shewed himself exceeding kind,
Although he showed himself to be extremely kind,
Yet she was still of a turbulent mind;
Yet she was still of a restless mind;
Husband and Servants her Fury must feel,
Husband and servants will have to deal with her anger,
For in their Ears she would ring them a Peal.
For in their ears she would ring them a bell.
When any Friend approach'd the presence of her Lord,
When any Friend approached the presence of her Lord,
By this vile Shrew they were strangely abhor'd;
By this nasty Shrew, they were really despised;
With cruel Frowns and Railings she would them salute
With harsh glares and insults, she would greet them.
Tho' they were Persons of worthy Repute;
Though they were people of good reputation;
All was a case for she woud have her Will,
All was a case for she would have her way,
And the whole House with Confusion she'd fill;
And she would fill the whole House with confusion;
So that for fear of the heat of her Fray
So that because of the fear of the heat of her battle
They have been forc'd to run packing away.
They have been forced to run away.
It was his chance to make a worthy noble feast,
It was his opportunity to host a grand noble feast,
Inviting full forty Couple at least,
Inviting at least 40 couples,
Both Lords and Earls, with vertuous Ladies of high fame,
Both Lords and Earls, along with virtuous Ladies of great reputation,
Who in true Friendship accordingly came:
Who truly came in friendship:
All sorts of dainties he then did prepare,
All kinds of treats he then prepared,
No cost nor charge in the least he did spare;
No cost or charge did he hold back at all;
But ere they could to their Banqueting fall,
But before they could start their banquet,
Sirs, you shall hear how she welcom'd them all.
Sirs, you will hear how she welcomed them all.
When she beheld the Costly Dishes of Rich Meat,
When she saw the expensive dishes of rich meat,
This Shrew had not the Stomach to Eat,
This Shrew didn't have the stomach to eat,
But did cry out, I shall be Ruined at this rate,
But I shouted, "I'll be ruined at this rate!"
This is enough to consume an Estate:
This is enough to drain an estate:
Before she any more words did reply
Before she said anything more
She made both Bottles and Dishes to flye;
She made both bottles and dishes to fly.
Both Friends and Husband she there did abuse,
Both friends and husband she there did mistreat,
Asking him how he dare be so profuse?
Asking him how he could be so overly generous?
Like Thunder loud, her voice she straight began to raise,
Like thunder, she quickly began to raise her voice,
Which made the Guests to stand all in a maze,
Which caused the Guests to stand there in confusion,
Who never saw the like in all their lives before,
Who has never seen anything like this in their entire life before,
Dishes of Meat they lay strow'd on the floor;
Dishes of meat are scattered on the floor;
Thus in disorder they all went their way,
Thus, in disarray, they all went their separate ways,
Each one was glad they were out of the fray;
Each one was happy to be out of the conflict;
Then said her Husband did ever Man know,
Then her husband said, "Did any man ever know,"
Any poor Mortal so plagu'd with a Shrow.
Any poor mortal burdened by a shrew.
Now the next day he to a skilful Doctor went,
Now the next day he went to a skilled doctor,
Promising that he would give him content,
Promising that he would give him everything he needed,
If he could cure the cause of a Distracted Wife
If he could fix the reason for a Distracted Wife
Which almost made him a weary of his Life;
Which almost made him weary of his life;
Yes, quoth the Doctor, i'le do it ne'r fear,
Yes, said the Doctor, I'll do it without fear,
Bring her, for now 'tis the Spring of the Year;
Bring her, because it's springtime now;
I'le take the Lunacy out of her Brains,
I'll take the craziness out of her mind,
Or else I wont have a Groat for my pains.
Or else I won't have a penny for my troubles.
Then home he went and sent her thither out of hand,
Then he went home and sent her there immediately,
Now when the Shrow, she did well understand
Now when the Shrow, she understood well
All their intent, she cal'd the Doctor sneaking knave;
All their intent, she called the Doctor a sneaky thief;
Now when he see she began for to Rave,
Now when he saw she started to rave,
Straightways the Doctor did bind her in Bed,
Straightaway, the Doctor had her tied to the bed,
Leting her Blood, likewise shaving her Head;
Letting her blood and also shaving her head;
Sirrah, said she, I would have you to know,
Sir, she said, I want you to know,
That you shall suffer for serving me so.
You will face consequences for serving me like that.
Madam, said he, I know you are beside your Wits,
Madam, he said, I know you’re at your wit's end,
But I will soon bring you out of those Fits;
But I will soon get you out of those fits;
I'le cut your Tongue, and when a Gallon you have bled,
I’ll cut out your tongue, and when you’ve bled a gallon,
'Twill cure that violent Noise in your Head;
It will fix that loud noise in your head;
Pray Sir, said she, don't afflict me so sore,
Pray, sir, she said, don’t upset me like this.
I'le ne'r offend my sweet Husband no more;
I'll never offend my sweet husband again;
Thus by sharp Usage and keeping her low,
Thus, by strict discipline and keeping her humble,
He had the fortune to Conquer the Shrow.
He was fortunate to conquer the Shrew.
After some time, he came to see his Wife at last,
After a while, he finally came to see his wife.
When she begg'd pardon for all that was past;
When she asked for forgiveness for everything that had happened;
Saying, her Fits for evermore she would refrain,
Saying she would hold back her fits forever.
If he'd be pleas'd to receive her again;
If he would be pleased to accept her back again;
My former Follies I pray now forgive,
My past mistakes, I now ask for your forgiveness,
Ile ne'r offend you no more while I live:
I won’t upset you again as long as I’m alive.
Then in much love they both homeward did go
Then in a lot of love, they both headed home.
Thus has he made a sweet Wife of a Shrow.
Thus he has turned a difficult woman into a loving wife.
FINIS.
FINIS.
[18.] One being set upon by Robbers at five a Clock in the Morning, Gentlemen, says he to 'em, you open Shop very early to day.
[18.] Someone was attacked by robbers at five o'clock in the morning. "Gentlemen," he said to them, "you really start your business early today."
On Galla going to the Bath.
She carefully doth hide, as is most meet,
She carefully hides, as is most fitting,
With aprons of fine linnen or a sheet,
With aprons made of fine linen or a sheet,
Those parts that modesty concealed hath;
Those parts that modesty concealed;
Nor only those, but even the breast and neck,
Nor only those, but even the chest and neck,
That might be seen or shown without all check;
That might be seen or shown without any restrictions;
But yet one foul and unbeseeming place.
But still a foul and inappropriate place.
She leaves uncovered still; what's that? her face.
She still leaves her face uncovered; what’s that?
[8.] There was one that died greatly in Debt, when it was reported in some company, where divers of his Creditors were, that he was dead; one began to say in good faith, then he hath Carried five hundred ducates of mine with him into the other world; and another of them said, and two hundred of mine; and some others spake of several sums of theirs: whereupon one that was amongst them said, Well, I see now, that though a man cannot carry any of his own with him, into the other world, yet he may carry other mens.
[8.] There was a guy who died deeply in debt, and when it was reported in a gathering where some of his creditors were present that he had passed away, one of them said seriously, “Well, he took five hundred ducates of mine with him to the afterlife.” Another added, “And two hundred of mine.” Others mentioned various amounts they were owed. Then one person in the group remarked, Well, I see now, that although a man can't take any of his own money with him to the next world, he can certainly take other people's.
Which of their Lands maintain'd the greatest state,
Which of their lands maintained the greatest status,
The Englishman the Welshman quite confuted,
The Englishman completely baffled the Welshman,
Yet would the Welshman nought his brags abate:
Yet the Welshman would not tone down his boasts:
Ten Cooks, quoth he, in Wales one wedding sees;
Ten Cooks, he said, see one wedding in Wales;
Truth quoth the other, each man tosts his cheese.
Truth said the other, everyone toasts their own cheese.
One for a great fault;
One for a major mistake;
Y'are an errant Dog, Rogue, says he;
You're a worthless dog, a scoundrel, he says;
Sir, I am no Dog,
Sir, I'm no dog,
Nor so errant a Rogue.
Not such a reckless Rogue.
As your Worship —— takes me to be.
As your Honor —— sees me.
[17.] A Western Lady was very Hospitable to many Gentlemen, and it happened a Knight came thither; and being a great House-wife, early in the Morning she called to her maids, and ask'd whether the Pigs were served; which the Knight hearing, said before the Gentlewoman at dinner, Madam are the Pigs served? Sir, says she, I know not whether you have had your breakfast yea or no.
[17.] A Western Lady was very hospitable to many gentlemen, and one day a knight came to visit. Being a diligent housekeeper, she called to her maids early in the morning and asked if the pigs were ready. The knight, hearing this, asked the lady at dinner, "Madam, are the pigs ready?" She replied, "I don't know if you’ve had your breakfast or not."
She would keep stakes, I was content,
She would keep stakes, I was content,
And when I wonne, she would be payd;
And when I won, she would be pleased;
This made me aske her what she meant,
This made me ask her what she meant,
Sayth she, since you are in this wrangling vaine,
Say she, since you are in this arguing mood,
Take you your kisses, and give me mine againe.
Take your kisses and give me mine again.
On a farmer knighted.
[26.] Some Gentlemen were sitting at a Coffee-house together, one was asking what News there was? T'other told him, There was forty thousand Men rose to day, which made them all stare about, and asked him to what end they rose, and what did they intend? Why faith, says he, only to go to bed at Night again.
[26.] Some guys were sitting together at a coffee shop when one of them asked what the news was. The other replied that forty thousand men had risen today, which made everyone look around in surprise and ask why they got up and what they planned to do. "Well," he said, "just to go back to bed at night."
Of Milo the Glutton.
One of his thumbs into the bone had cut.
One of his thumbs had sliced into the bone.
Then straight, it noysed was about by some,
Then straight, it was made noisy by some,
That he had lost his stomacke with his thumbe.
That he had lost his stomach with his thumb.
To which one said. No worse hap fall unto him,
To which one replied, "May nothing worse happen to him."
But, if a poore man finde it, 'twill undo him.
But if a poor man finds it, it will ruin him.
[18.] A Person of Quality owed a Gentleman a Thousand Pounds. Meeting together in a fair Road, where both their Coaches went a good rate; the first looking out of the Coach called to the Gentleman, and begged a thousand Excuses. And I beg, said the Gentleman presently, a thousand Pounds.
[18.] A Person of Quality owed a Gentleman a thousand pounds. They met on a nice road, where both of their coaches were moving quickly; the first person looked out of the coach and called to the Gentleman, offering a thousand apologies. And I would like, said the Gentleman immediately, a thousand pounds.
Here you can see a nice new ballad,
How the Devil, though cunning, was tricked by a scolding woman.
To the Tune of The Seminary Priest.
To the Tune of The Seminary Priest.
that still desire newes,
that still want news,
Nor passe not while you heare it sung,
Nor let it pass while you hear it sung,
or else the song peruse:
or else check out the song:
For ere you heare it, I must tell
For before you hear it, I need to tell
my newes, it is not common,
my news, it is not common,
But Ile unfold a trueth betwixt
But I'll reveal a truth between
a Devill and a woman.
a devil and a woman.
Tom Thumb is not my subiect,
Tom Thumb is not my subject.
whom Fairies oft did aide,
whom Fairies often helped,
Nor that mad spirit Robin
Nor that crazy spirit Robin
that plagues both wife and maid
that troubles both wife and maid
Nor is my song satyricke like,
Nor is my song like a satire,
invented against no man,
not invented against anyone,
But onely of a pranke betwixt
But only of a prank between
a Devill and a woman.
a devil and a woman.
....
. . . .
A woman well in yeares
An older woman
liv'd with a husband kinde
lived with a kind husband
Who had a great desire
Who had a strong desire
to live content in minde,
to live with a clear mind,
But twas a thing impossible
But it was impossible
to compasse his desire
to fulfill his desire
For night and day with scolding
For night and day with complaints
she did her husband tire.
she tired her husband out.
With roughish, lowtish clowne,
With rough, low-class clown,
despight thee Ile be wilde,
despite the I'll be wild,
Doest thou think I marryed thee
Do you think I married you?
to use thee like a childe,
to treat you like a child,
And set thee on my lap,
And placed you on my lap,
or humour what you speake?
or humor what you speak?
Before Ile be so fond,
Before I'll be so fond,
thy very heart Ile breake.
I'll break your heart.
Why, loving wife, quoth he,
Why, my dear wife, he said,
Ile never doe thee wrong,
I'll never do you wrong,
So thoul't be rul'd by me,
So you'll be ruled by me,
and onely hold thy tongue.
and just hold your tongue.
And when I come from worke,
And when I come home from work,
wilt please at board and bed;
wilt please at the table and in bed;
Doe this my loving wife
Do this, my loving wife.
and take all being dead.
and take all being dead.
Marke well, quoth she, my words
"Remember my words," she said.
what ere you speak me to,
what are you saying to me,
By faire meanes or by foule,
By any means necessary,
the contrary Ile doe.
the opposite I do.
According to her speech,
Based on her speech,
this man led such a life,
this man lived such a life,
That oft he wish't the Devill
That often wished for the Devil
to come and fetch his wife.
to come and get his wife.
Had he bid her goe homely,
Had he told her to go home,
why then she would goe brave,
why then she would go boldly,
Had he cal'd her good wife,
Had he called her good wife,
she cal'd him rogue and slave;
she called him a rogue and a slave;
Bade he, wife goe to Church,
Bade he, wife go to Church,
and take the fairest pew,
and take the best seat,
Shee'd goe unto an Alehouse,
She'd go to a bar,
and drinke, lye downe and spew.
and drink, lie down, and throw up.
The Devill being merry
The Devil being playful
with laughing at this mirth,
with laughing at this joy,
Would needs from hell come trotting,
Would needs from hell come trotting,
to fetch her from the earth;
to take her from the ground;
And coming like a horse,
And coming in like a horse,
did tell this man his minde,
did tell this man his mind,
Saying, Set her but astride my backe,
Saying, Set her just on my back,
Ile hurry her through the winde.
I’ll hurry her through the wind.
Kinde Devill quoth the man,
Kinda devil, said the man,
if thou a while will wait,
if you will wait a while,
Ile bid her doe that thing
Ile ask her to do that thing
shall make her backe thee straight
shall make her back be straight
And here Ile make a vow
And here I'll make a vow
for all she is my wife,
for all that she is my wife,
Ile never send for her againe
I will never send for her again.
whilest I have breath or life.
while I have breath or life.
Content, the Devill cry'd,
Content, the Devil cried,
then to his wife goes he
then he goes to his wife
Good wife, goe lead that horse
Good wife, go lead that horse.
so black and fair you see.
so black and fair you see.
Goe leade, sir Knave, quoth she
Go ahead, lead on, sir Knave, she said.
and wherefore not goe ride?
and why not go for a ride?
She took the Devill by the reines,
She took the devil by the reins,
and up she goes astride.
and up she goes riding.
The Devill neighed lowd,
The devil neighed loudly,
and threw his heeles i' th' ayre,
and threw his heels in the air,
Kick, in the Devill's name, quoth she,
Kick, in the Devil's name, she said,
a shrew doth never fear.
a shrew never fears.
Away to hell he went,
He went straight to hell,
with this most wicked scold,
with this most wicked critic,
But she did curbe him with the bit,
But she did control him with the bit,
and would not loose her hold.
and would not lose her grip.
The more he cry'd, Give way,
The more he cried, "Move aside,"
the more she kept him in,
the more she kept him inside,
And kickt him so with both her heeles,
And kicked him so with both her heels,
that both his sides were thin.
that both his sides were skinny.
Alight, the Devill cry'd,
Alright, the Devil cried,
and quick the bridle loose,
and quickly loosen the bridle,
No I will ride (quoth she)
No, I will ride (she said)
whiles thou hast breath or shooes.
whenever you have breath or shoes.
Again she kickt and prickt,
Again she kicked and pricked,
and sate so stiffe and well,
and sat so stiff and well,
The Devill was not so plagu'd
The Devil was not so troubled
a hundred years in hell.
a hundred years in hell.
For pitty light (quoth he)
For pity's sake (he said)
thou put'st me to much paine,
thou put'st me to much pain,
I will not light, (quoth she)
I won't light it, she said.
till I come home againe.
till I come home again.
The Devill shewed her all
The Devil showed her everything.
the paines within that place,
the pains within that place,
And told her that they were
And told her that they were
ordain'd for Scolds so base.
ordained for such base scolds.
Being bereft of breath,
Breathless,
for scolding tis my due,
for scolding, it's my due,
But whilest I live on earth
But while I live on earth
Ile be reveng'd on you.
I'll get revenge on you.
Then did she draw her knife,
Then she took out her knife,
and gave his eare a slit,
and gave his ear a slit,
The Devill never felt
The Devil never felt
the like from mortall yet.
the same from mortall yet.
So fearing further danger,
So worried about more danger,
he to his heeles did take,
he ran away,
And faster than he came,
And faster than he arrived,
he poast hast home did make.
he post has home did make.
Here take her (quoth the Devill)
Here, take her (said the Devil)
to keep her here be bold,
to be bold and keep her here,
For hell would not be troubled
For hell wouldn't care
with such an earthly scold.
with such a worldly scold.
When I come home, I may
When I get home, I might
to all my fellowes tell,
to all my friends,
I lost my labour and my bloud
I lost my work and my blood
to bring a scold to hell.
to bring a scold to hell.
The man halfe dead did stand,
The barely alive man stood,
away the Devill hyde,
away the Devil hide,
Then since the world, nor hell,
Then since the world, nor hell,
can well a Scold abide:
can a scold really tolerate:
To make a saile of ships
To make a sail for ships
let husbands fall to worke,
let husbands get to work,
And give their free consents
And give their full consent
to send them to the Turke.
to send them to the Turk.
Then honest wives and maides,
Then honest wives and maids,
and widdowes of each sort,
and widows of all kinds,
Might live in peace and rest,
Might live in peace and rest,
and Silence keep her court,
and Silence holds her court,
Nor would I have a scold,
Nor would I tolerate a scold,
one penny here bestow,
give one penny here,
But honest men and wives
But honest people and partners
buy these before you goe.
buy these before you go.
FINIS.
FINIS.
Printed at London for Henry Gosson60 dwelling upon London Bridge. neare to the Gate.
Printed in London for Henry Gosson60 living on London Bridge, near the Gate.
Solution.
That is a thorn; for a man went to the wood and caught a thorn in his foot, and then he sate him down, and sought to have pull'd it out, and because he could not find it out he must needs bring it home.
That is a thorn; a man went into the woods and got a thorn in his foot. Then he sat down and tried to pull it out, and because he couldn’t find a way to get it out, he had to take it home.
[26.] A rich and covetous Councellor of this Kingdom, that had an only Child, which was a Daughter and worth £20,000. A young and handsome Gentleman of good Birth though of no great Fortune; yet had so far insinuated himself into the young Lady's Favour, that she promis'd him Marriage, if he could get her Father's Consent. Immediately he comes for London, and goes to her Father, and told him, That he would give him £10 for a Fee if he could assist him in a business which did much concern him: which was, That there was a rich young Heiress in town, which had promised him marriage if it could any way be made good by Law: Why, says he, let her hire a Horse, and invite you to take her away, and let her get up before, and you behind that it may not be said that you rode away with her, but she with you, and let her go to the Minister, and tell him, 'tis her desire to be married to you, and to get a Licence accordingly; and when you are married, then be sure to bed her, and I'll warrant you she's your own. And this, says the Gentleman, you'll avouch for Law? He told him, Yes. Well Sir, says he, if you will set your Hand to it, I'll give you Ten Pounds more; which he did. Immediately he goes into the Country, and shews the young Lady what was done, and how 'twas done; and she accordingly performed her promise, and suddenly married and bedded; and having so continued a week they both came to London, and came to her Father, and fell down upon their knees to him, and craved his Blessing; which made him at first fly into harsh Language; but the Gentleman said, We have done nothing but what you avoucht for Law, and have it under your hand. The Lawyer fearing [pg 93] his Reputation might be brought in question, and seeing him to be a handsome and well bred Gentleman, and of a good family, clape both their hands together, and bid God bless them; and then gave them a subsistence for the present, and made over all to them after his death.
[26.] A wealthy and greedy counselor in this kingdom had an only child, a daughter worth £20,000. A young and attractive gentleman of decent background, though not much wealth, managed to charm the lady so much that she promised him marriage if he could get her father’s approval. He immediately traveled to London to speak with her father, offering him £10 as a fee if he could help with a matter that was very important to him: a rich young heiress in town had promised to marry him if it could be legally arranged. The counselor replied, “Let her hire a horse and invite you to come away with her; she should ride in front and you behind so it can’t be said that you ran away with her, but rather she with you. Let her go to the minister and tell him that she wants to marry you, and ask for a license. Once you’re married, make sure to consummate the marriage, and I’ll guarantee she’ll be yours.” The gentleman then asked, “And you assure me this holds in law?” The counselor confirmed, “Yes.” The gentleman replied, “Well, sir, if you’ll sign it, I’ll give you another £10,” which the counselor did. He then quickly returned to the countryside, showed the young lady what had been arranged, and she followed through with her promise. They married and spent a week together before returning to London to her father, kneeling and asking for his blessing. At first, he reacted harshly, but the gentleman said, “We’ve done nothing but what you affirmed as legal, and you have it in writing.” The lawyer, worried about his reputation and recognizing the gentleman as a respectable and well-bred person from a good family, joined their hands together and wished them well. He then provided them with support for the time being and promised everything to them after his death.
Which grain was the best;
Which grain was the best?
The first said Wheat had the Quorum
The first said Wheat had the quorum.
The second stood for Rye
The second represented Rye
But the third did reply
But the third responded
61 Far afore 'em.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Long before them.
On one in debt.
[4.] A Gentleman that had never been used to Wounds, received a small scratch with a Sword in a Tavern Fray; at which he was sadly frighted, and sent immediately for a Chyrurgeon, who coming, and seeing the Wound but slight, and the Gentleman in a great fear: for sport's sake pretended great danger, and therefore sends his Man with great speed to fetch him such a Plaister: Why Sir, quoth the Gentleman, is the wound so dangerous? O Yes, replyed the Arch Chyrurgeon, for if he don't make great haste, it will heal of it self, before he comes.
[4.] A gentleman who had never dealt with injuries got a small scratch from a sword during a bar fight; he was so scared that he immediately called for a surgeon. When the surgeon arrived and saw the injury was minor, but the gentleman was still extremely frightened, he jokingly pretended it was serious and quickly sent his assistant to get a special bandage. Why, sir, the gentleman asked, is the wound really that dangerous? Oh yes, replied the head surgeon, because if he doesn’t hurry, it will heal on its own before he gets here.
Scylla toothlesse.
[24.]Scylla is toothlesse; yet when she was young,
[24.]Scylla is toothless; yet when she was younger,
She had both tooth enough, and too much tongue:
She had plenty of teeth and too much to say.
What should I now of toothlesse Scylla say?
What should I say now about toothless Scylla?
But that her tongue hath worne her teeth away.
But her tongue has worn her teeth away.
The extravagances of male attire in Charles the First's time justly called down the wrath of the Satirists, particularly of the [pg 94] Puritan School. The Cavaliers, however, were only effeminate in their dress, their gallant conduct in the Civil war proving them to be men of mettle. The subjoined is so faithful in its representation of the then height of fashion as to be almost removed from caricature, still the letterpress evidently intends it to be a satire as bitter as could be made by the Roundhead who penned it, who naturally believed in "the Unlovelinesse of Love Lockes."
The extravagance of men's fashion during Charles the First's time rightly drew criticism from satirists, especially from the Puritan group. However, the Cavaliers were only seen as effeminate in their clothing; their brave actions during the Civil War showed they were men of strength. The following example is so accurate in depicting the fashion of the time that it almost feels like a caricature, yet the text clearly aims to be a bitter satire written by a Roundhead, who naturally believed in "the Unloveliness of Love Locks."
The
Picture of an English Antique,
with a list of his ridiculous habits
and silly gestures.
Maids, where are your hearts become? look you what here is!
Maids, where have your hearts gone? Look at what is here!
- [33.]His hat in fashion like a close-stoolepan.
- Set on the top of his noddle like a coxcombe.
- Banded with a calves tail, and a bunch of riband.
- A feather in his hat, hanging down like a Fox taile.
- Long haire, with ribands tied in it.
- His face spotted.
- His beard on the upper lip, compassing his mouth.
- His chin thrust out, singing as he goes.
- His band lapping over before.
- Great band strings, with a ring tied.
- A long wasted dubblet unbuttoned half way.
- Little skirts.
- His sleeves unbuttoned.
- In one hand a stick, playing with it, in the other his cloke hanging.
- His breeches unhooked ready to drop off.
- His shirt hanging out.
- His codpeece open tied at the top with a great bunch of riband.
- His belt about his hips.[pg 95]
- His sword swapping betweene his legs like a Monkeys taile.
- Many dozen points at knees.
- Above the points of either side two bunches of riband of severall colours.
- Boot hose tops, tied about the middle of the Calfe, as long as a paire of shirt sleeves, double at the ends like a ruffe band.[pg 96]
- The Tops of his boots very large turned down as low as his spurs.
- A great paire of spurres, gingling like a Morrice dancer.
- The feet of his boots 2 inches too long.
- Two horns at each end of his foot, stradling as he goes.
To have Hysop round his head,
To have Hyssop around his head,
But Time is better I think;
But I think Time is better;
For you'l find it a crime,
For you’ll find it a crime,
If not buryed in time,
If not buried in time,
For certain your Corps will stink.
For sure, your Corps will smell bad.
[32.] What work is that the faster ye work, longer is it ere ye have done, and the slower ye work the sooner ye make an end?
[32.] What work is it that the faster you go, the longer it takes to finish, and the slower you go, the sooner you get it done?
Solution. That is turning of a Spit; for if ye turn fast, it will be long ere the meat be roasted, but if ye turn slowly, the sooner it is roasted.
Solution. That means turning a spit; if you turn it quickly, it will take a long time for the meat to roast, but if you turn it slowly, it will roast faster.
A new married Bride.
Of finding a hare.
[6.]A Gallant full of life, and void of care.
A fun and carefree person.
Asked his friend if he would find a hare?
Asked his friend if he would find a rabbit?
He that for sleepe, more than such sports did care,
He who cared more about sleep than such games,
Said, Goe your waies, and leave me heere alone;
Said, Go on your way and leave me here alone;
Let them find hares that lost them, I lost none.
Let them find hares that are lost; I haven't lost any.
The next illustration is from a single sheet broadside entitled "Englands Wolfe with eagles clawes, or the cruell Impieties of Bloud-Thirsty Royalists, and blasphemous Anti-Parliamentarians, under the command of that inhumane Prince Rupert, Digby, and the rest. Wherein the barbarous Crueltie [pg 98] of our Civill uncivill Warres is briefly discovered. London: Printed by Matthew Simmons dwelling in Aldersgate Streete. 1646."
The next illustration is from a single-sheet broadside titled "England's Wolf with Eagles' Claws, or the Cruel Acts of Blood-Thirsty Royalists and Blasphemous Anti-Parliamentarians, commanded by that inhumane Prince Rupert, Digby, and others. It briefly reveals the barbaric cruelty of our Civil Uncivil Wars. London: Printed by Matthew Simmons living on Aldersgate Street. 1646." [pg 98]
This broadside scarcely comes within the scope of this work, dealing as it does with the alleged cruelties committed by the Cavaliers; but the engraving clearly is a political satire, not only on the Cavaliers themselves, but on their extravagances in dress.
This flyer barely fits into this work, as it talks about the supposed cruelty of the Cavaliers; however, the engraving is clearly a political satire, not just about the Cavaliers but also about their over-the-top fashion choices.
[18.] If you ask why borrowed Books seldom return to their Owners? this is the Reason one gives for it: Because 'tis easier to keep 'em, than what is in them.
[18.] If you ask why borrowed books rarely come back to their owners, here's the reason people give: Because it's easier to keep them than to deal with what's in them.
[8.] There was a Painter became a Physician, whereupon one said to him, You have done well, for before the faults of your work were seen, but now they are unseen.
[8.] There was a Painter who became a Doctor, and someone said to him, "You’ve done well, because before, the flaws in your work were obvious, but now they’re not."
[12.]A Lawyer said in jest
A lawyer joked
A Taylor is the best
A Taylor is the best
Client in all the Land:
Client in all the land:
And his reason is good,
And his reason is valid,
If well understood,
If understood correctly,
'Cause he has so many Suits in hand.
'Cause he has so many suits ready.
In Richardum quendam, Divitem, Avarum.
Best give unto a dry illiberall chuffe,
Best to give to a dry, stingy miser,
After long search on his owne name I light,
After a long search under my own name, I found it,
Nay then (said I) No more, I have enough;
Nuh-uh then (I said) No more, I've had enough;
His name and nature do full well agree,
His name and character really match well,
For's name is Rich and hard; and so is he.
For's name is Rich and hard; and so is he.
The Dumb MAID,62
or, the
Young Gallant Trapped.
A young Man did unto her a Wooing come,
A young man came to court her,
But she pretended much that she was dumb;
But she pretended a lot that she was mute;
But when they both in Marriage bands were ty'd,
But when they were both tied together in marriage,
The Doctor's skill was likewise with her try'd;
The Doctor's skills were also tested with her;
The Doctor he set her Tongue on the Run,
The Doctor got her talking fast,
She Chatters now and never will have done.
She talks non-stop and will never stop.
To a New Tune, call'd, Dum, dum, dum; Or, I would I were in my own Country &c.
To a New Tune, called, Dum, dum, dum; Or, I wish I were back in my own country & etc.
Licens'd and Enter'd according to Order.
Licensed and entered as ordered.
Give ear unto my song,
Listen to my song,
Concerning a youth
About a young person
that was young, young, young;
that was so young;
And of a Maiden fair
And of a fair Maiden
Few with her might compare
Few can compare to her
But alack, and alas, she
But sadly, she
was dumb, dumb, dumb.
was foolish, foolish, foolish.
She was beautious, fresh and gay
She was beautiful, lively, and cheerful.
Like the pleasant Flowers in May,
Like the lovely flowers in May,
And her cheeks was as round,
And her cheeks were as round,
as a plum, plum, plum;
as a berry, berry, berry;
She was neat in every part,
She was tidy in every way,
And she stole away his heart,
And she stole his heart,
But alack, and alas, she
But sadly, she
was dumb, dumb, dumb.
was foolish, foolish, foolish.
At length this Country Blade,
Finally this Country Blade,
Wedded this prety Maid,
Married this pretty girl,
And he kindly conducted
And he graciously led
her home, home, home;
her place, place, place;
Thus in her Beauty bright,
Thus in her bright beauty,
Lay all his whole Delight
Lay all his joy
But alack, and alas,
But sadly,
she was dumb, dumb, dumb.
she was clueless.
Now will I plainly show
Now I will clearly show
What work this Maid could do,
What work this Maid could do,
Which a Pattern may be,
What a pattern could be,
For girls young, young, young:
For very young girls:
O she both day and night
O she both day and night
In working took delight.
Took pleasure in working.
But alack, and alas, she
But sadly, she
was dumb, dumb, dumb.
was silly, silly, silly.
She could brew, and she could bake,
She could make coffee, and she could bake,
She could wash, wring and shake,
She could wash, wring out, and shake,
She could sweep the house
She could clean the house.
with a broom, broom, broom:
with a broom, broom, broom:
She could knit and sow and spin,
She could knit, sew, and spin,
And do any such like thing
And do anything like that
But alack, and alas, she
But unfortunately, she
was dumb, dumb, dumb.
was foolish, foolish, foolish.
But at last this man did go,
But eventually this man did leave,
The Doctor's skill to know,
The Doctor's ability to know,
Saying, Sir, can you cure
Sir, can you help?
a Woman of the Dumb?
a Woman of the Deaf?
O it is the easiest part,
O it is the easiest part,
That belongs unto my Art,
That belongs to my Art,
For to cure a Woman
To heal a woman
of the Dumb, dumb, dumb.
of the Silly, silly, silly.
To the Doctor he did her bring,
To the doctor, he brought her,
And he cut her Chattering-string,
And he cut her chatter string,
And he set her Tongue on
And he put her tongue on
the run, run, run:
the hustle, hustle, hustle:
In the morning he did rise,
In the morning he got up,
And she fill'd his house with cries,
And she filled his house with screams,
And she rattled in his ears
And she rattled in his ears
like a drum, drum, drum.
like a drum.
To the Doctor he did go,
He went to the doctor,
With his heart well fill'd with woe,
With his heart full of sorrow,
Crying, Doctor, I am
Doctor, I am crying
undone, done, done;
undone, completed, completed;
Now she's turn'd a scolding Wife
Now she's become a nagging wife.
And I'm weary of my life,
And I'm tired of my life,
Nor I cannot make her hold
Nor can I make her stay
her tongue, tongue, tongue.
her tongue.
The Doctor thus did say,
The Doctor said,
When she went from me away,
When she walked away from me,
She was perfectly cured of
She was completely cured of
the dumb, dumb, dumb.
the dumb.
But it's beyond the Art of Man,
But it's beyond the Art of Man,
Let him do the best he can,
Let him try his best.
For to make a scolding Woman
For dealing with a nagging woman
hold her tongue, tongue, tongue.
hold her tongue.
So as you to me came
So you reached out to me
Return you back again
Return to you again
And take you the Oyl
And take the Oil
of Hazel63 strong
With it anoint her Body round,
With it, anoint her body all around,
When she makes the House to sound,
When she makes the House sound,
So perhaps you may charm her,
So maybe you can charm her,
tongue, tongue, tongue.
tongue, tongue, tongue.
63 A hazel switch.
A hazel branch.
[26.] A Schoolmaster did always dictate to his Scholars. H non est Litera, that is H is no letter; and on a time he call'd one of the Scholars to him, and bid him heat the Cawdle, and when he askt for it, the Scholar told him, that he had done with the Cawdle as he bid him. What's that? says his Master, Why Sir, says he, I did eat it. Sirrah, says he, I bid you heat it with an H. Yes Sir, says he, But I did eat it with Bread.
[26.] A schoolmaster always dictated to his students. H non est Litera, which means H is not a letter; and one time he called one of the students over and told him to heat the cawdle. When he asked about it, the student replied, that he had done with the cawdle as he told him. What’s that? says the master. Well, sir, he says, I ate it. Rascal, says he, I told you to heat it with an H. Yes, sir, says he, But I ate it with bread.
[32.] What is that that hath his belly full of man's meat and his mouth full of dirt? Solution. It is an Oven when it is full of bread, or pies, for that is man's meat, and the Ovens mouth is then closed with dirt.
[32.] What is it that has its belly full of food and its mouth full of dirt? Solution. It’s an oven when it’s full of bread or pies, because that’s food, and the oven’s mouth is then covered with dirt.
Dewce take me, says John,
Dewce take me, says John,
The Tray will be up in a trice
The tray will be ready in no time.
You cater waule now.
You cater now.
And your wit sinks low,
And your wit falls flat,
Why friends, the jest is concise.
Why friends, the joke is brief.
And finding him worne out, would needs translate;
And finding him worn out, would insist on translating;
He was a trusty so'le, and time had bin
He was a reliable guy, and time had been
He would, well liquord, go through thick and thin.
He would, well liquored, go through thick and thin.
Death put a trick upon him, and what was't?
Death played a trick on him, and what was it?
The Cobler call'd for All, death brought his last;
The Cobbler called for everyone, death arrived at his end;
'Twas not uprightly done to cut his thread,
'Twas not right to cut his thread,
That mended more and more till he was dead;
That kept getting better and better until he died;
But since hee's gone, tis all that can be said,
But since he's gone, that's all that can be said,
Honest Cut-Cobler here is underlayed.
Honest Cut-Cobler here is supported.
In political satire it was not to be expected that so prominent a person as Prince Rupert, the son of James I.'s own sister, could come off scathless; but it is somewhat singular, and it shows the bitterness of the parties, that even his pets, his poodle dog, and his monkey, should provoke the satiric ire of the Roundhead writers. Both are historical, and, thanks to Thomason, whose wonderful collection, known as the "Kings Pamphlets," exists in the British Museum, the materials of their history are easily accessible to the student. The Prince's dog "Boy" was a white poodle, and it is somewhat curious to note that poodles, over 200 years since, were shaved so as to conserve the lionlike mane, although the dandyisms of tufts on the legs and tail seem to have been reserved for a later era.
In political satire, it was expected that someone as prominent as Prince Rupert, the son of James I.'s own sister, wouldn’t escape unscathed; however, it’s quite unusual—and it shows the bitterness of the rival factions—that even his pets, his poodle and his monkey, would spark the satirical wrath of the Roundhead writers. Both of these animals are part of history, and thanks to Thomason, whose amazing collection known as the "Kings Pamphlets" can be found in the British Museum, the details of their stories are easily accessible to students. The Prince's dog "Boy" was a white poodle, and it’s interesting to note that over 200 years ago, poodles were shaved to maintain a lionlike mane, even though the trendy tufts on their legs and tails seem to have come about in a later time.
"To him pudel."
'Roundhead Curr'
"To him, pudel." 'Roundhead Curr'
"Bite him, peper"
'Cauilier Dog'
"Bite him, pepper" 'Cavalier Dog'
His master must have had a special and peculiar affection for "Boy," as he, and a tame hare, "which used to follow him about & do his bidding with facility," were his solace [pg 104] when imprisoned at Lintz in 1641. According to a writer,64 whose "Prince Ruperts diary" everybody would like to see, it was a "beautiful white dogge," was given him by Lord Arundell, and was "of a breede so famous that the Grand Turk gave it in particular injunction to his ambassador to obtaine him a puppie thereof." His nationality is given in a tract [36] as being either of German or Finland breed, and he must soon have become notorious, as Prince Rupert did not come over to England after his release from prison until February 1642; and we find from the accompanying engraving [36] that early the following year he was politically made use of for party purposes.
His master must have had a special and unique affection for "Boy," as he, along with a tame hare that "used to follow him around and do his bidding easily," were his comforts when he was imprisoned in Lintz in 1641. According to a writer, whose "Prince Rupert's diary" everyone would love to see, it was a "beautiful white dog," given to him by Lord Arundell, and was "of a breed so famous that the Grand Turk instructed his ambassador to obtain a puppy of it." His nationality is stated in a tract as either of German or Finnish breed, and he must have quickly become well-known, as Prince Rupert didn’t come back to England after his release from prison until February 1642; we see from the accompanying engraving that early the following year he was politically used for party purposes. [pg 104]
In this dialogue, which is too lengthy for reproduction here, it will be seen that he was already accredited with supernatural qualities.
In this dialogue, which is too long to reproduce here, it's clear that he was already recognized for having supernatural abilities.
"Tobies Dog. . . . I heare you are Prince Ruperts white Boy.
"Tobies Dog. . . . I hear you are Prince Rupert's white boy."
P. Rup. dog. I am none of his White Boy, my name is Puddle.
P. Rup. dog. I’m not his White Boy; my name is Puddle.
Tob. dog. A dirty name indeed, you are not pure enough for my company, besides I hear on both sides of my eares that you are a Laplander, or Fin land Dog, or truly no better than a Witch in the shape of a white Dogge.
Tob. dog. What a filthy name, you’re not clean enough for me to be around. Plus, I’ve heard from both sides that you are either a Laplander or a Finnish dog, or honestly, no better than a witch taking the form of a white dog.
.....
.
Tob. Dog. You are of Brackley breed, better to hang than to keep.
Tob. Dog. You come from the Brackley breed, it's better to hang you than to keep you.
Pr. Rup. Dog. No, Sirrah, I am of high Germain breed;
Pr. Rup. Dog. No, dude, I come from a prestigious German lineage;
Tob. Dog. Thou art a Reprobate, and a lying Curre; you were either whelpt in Lapland, or else in Fin land; where there is none but divells and Sorcerers live."
Tob. Dog. You're a total loser and a lying mutt; you were either born in Lapland or in Finland, where only devils and sorcerers live.
This supernatural idea seems to have had its rise in Boy's accompanying his master always, even on the battlefield, enjoying a marvellous immunity from harm. There is a very similar engraving to the accompanying, in a chap-book of "The History of the Blind Begger of Bednal Green" [38], where it does duty for "Young Monford Riding to the Wars, [pg 105] where he unhapily lost his Eye sight."65 And I have no doubt but that in this present work the engraving to "The Poets Dream" is an old woodcut of Prince Rupert and his dog Boy.
This supernatural idea seems to have come from Boy always being with his master, even in battle, enjoying a remarkable protection from harm. There's a similar engraving in a chapbook called "The History of the Blind Beggar of Bednal Green" [38], which serves as "Young Monford Riding to the Wars, [pg 105] where he unfortunately lost his eyesight."65 I have no doubt that the engraving for "The Poet's Dream" in this current work is an old woodcut of Prince Rupert and his dog Boy.
Dauentry
Dauentry
Brimidgham
Birmingham
In another tract of the time [39] are plentiful allusions to his being a witch. "Grumbling Sir, or counterfeit Lapland Lady, I admire thy impudence in calling thyself a Lady: Art thou a Lady and hast so much haire?... Thou wouldst be a rough bed fellow for the Divell himself; if thou art not a Divell thyself, thou hast conditions sutable to thy shape, for thou doest snarle and bite at the Parliament, and hast learnt that quality from other Popish Dogs; good thou canst do [pg 106] none to the Prince, for that is contrary to the nature of a Witch, which in some respects thou unjustly doest assume, but in other conditions most fitly, for a Witch will dine or suppe with a roasted crab squittering in the fire, or with a few boild Onions and a draught of Buttermilke which one of her neighbours gave her for fear more than for love, but thou doest fare most deliciously of the rumps and wings of Capons, and Kidneys, and art indeed better fed than taught. Besides a Witch will lie upon an old straw bed with her house Cat which seems instead of her bed fellow. But the Kings chair of state and all the embroydered velvet stools are thy day couches, where thou lyest and sleepest with thy malignant eyes half open, and canst winke at small and great faults as thou doest for occasion. But then thou art a Witch again in some conditions, for they are overgrown with ugly gray hair which hangs down about their shoulders, and so art thou, Boy. Witches are ready to doe mischief, but can do no good, and such are thy malignant qualities, Boy; Pardon me, for though our gracious King loves thee, it is not as thou art a Witch but as thou art Prince Robert's dog." And this attack on poor Boy winds up with calling him "a very cowardly malignant cur," though he look like a lion.
In another piece from that time, [39] contains plenty of references to him being a witch. "Grumbling Sir, or fake Lapland Lady, I admire your nerve in calling yourself a Lady: Are you a Lady and have so much hair?... You would be a rough bedfellow for the Devil himself; if you’re not a Devil yourself, you have qualities suitable to your shape, for you snarl and bite at Parliament, and you've learned that trait from other Papist Dogs; you can do no good for the Prince, for that goes against the nature of a Witch, which in some ways you unjustly claim, but in other traits quite fittingly, since a Witch will dine or sup with a roasted crab writhing in the fire, or with a few boiled onions and a draft of buttermilk that one of her neighbors gave her more out of fear than love, but you feast most luxuriously on the rumps and wings of capons, and kidneys, and are indeed better fed than educated. Besides, a Witch will lie on an old straw bed with her house cat, which seems more like her bedfellow. But the King's chair of state and all the embroidered velvet stools are your lounging spots, where you lie and sleep with your malicious eyes half open, and can overlook both small and large faults as it suits you. Yet you are a Witch again in some ways because they are overgrown with ugly gray hair hanging down about their shoulders, and so are you, Boy. Witches are eager to cause harm but can do no good, and those are your malignant qualities, Boy; forgive me, for though our gracious King loves you, it is not because you're a Witch but because you are Prince Robert's dog." And this harsh critique of poor Boy ends with calling him "a very cowardly malignant cur," even though he looks like a lion.
"They fear the Giblets of his Train, they fear
They fear the Giblets of his Train, they fear
Even his Dog, that four legg-d Cavalier:
Even his dog, that four-legged Cavalier:
He that devours the Scraps which Lunsford makes,
He who devours the scraps that Lunsford creates,
Whose Picture feeds upon a Child in Stakes.
Whose picture feeds on a child on stakes.
Who name but Charles he comes aloft for him,
Who but Charles shows up for him,
But holds up his Malignant Leg at Pym.
But raises his Malignant Leg at Pym.
'Gainst whom they've several Articles in Souse;
'Against whom they've several Articles in Souse;
First that he barks against the Sense o' th' House.
First, he complains about the opinion of the House.
Resolv'd Delinquent, to the Tower straight;
Resolved Delinquent, to the Tower immediately;
Either to th' Lyons, or the Bishops Grate.
Either to the Lions or the Bishop's Gate.
Next, for his Ceremonious Wag o' th' Tail;
Next, for his Fancy Wag of the Tail;
But there the Sisterhood will be his Bail,
But there the Sisterhood will be his bail,
At least the Countess will, Lust's Amsterdam,
At least the Countess will, Lust's Amsterdam,
That lets in all Religions of the Game.
That includes all religions in the game.
Thirdly, he smells Intelligence, that's better,
Thirdly, he can sense intelligence, which is an improvement.
And cheaper too, than Pym from his own Letter:
And it's cheaper too than Pym from his own letter:
Who's doubly pay'd (Fortune or we the blinder?)
Who's paid twice as much (Fortune or are we the ones who are blind?)
For making Plots, and then for Fox the Finder.
For creating plots, and then for Fox the Finder.
Lastly he is a Devil without doubt;
Lastly, he is definitely a devil;
For when he would lie down, he wheels about;
For when he wants to lie down, he turns around;
Makes Circles and is Couchant in a Ring,
Makes Circles and rests in a Ring,
And therefore score up one for Conjuring."
And so, that's another win for Conjuring.
In a contemporary tract [36] Boy is accredited with being invulnerable, and he had escaped the chances of war in a remarkable manner. It would be a pity to curtail the extract, as it shows well the political amenities of that age. "The Challenge which Prince Griffins Dogge called Towzer hath sent to Prince Rupert's Dog whose name is Puddle, daring him to meet him at the Parish Garden this present Lent to try a combate before the Worship full the Beares, who are appointed to be their Judges in that Case.——Thou worme of Wickednesse, fritter of Folly, spawne of doggednesse, and piece of mungrele stuffe; in regard of thy base grumbling words and bawling against thy betters. Besides that, is honest Pepper. Tobies Dogge your match, no he is too milde for thee; thou should have given notice of your Treaty and discourse to me who am thy equall, thou shouldst have found enough of me, for I will have thee know, that I eate as good Rumps and Kidneyes as ever thou, base Cur, dost; when I have you at the place appointed I will so rump you, and so frump you, that I will leave you never a rumpe nor yet a kidney, no, not with a heart as big as a hen or chickins: I doe now with open mouth defie thee and all thy proceedings, and doe challenge thee to meet me at the place before mentioned, there will I fight, tug and teare thee in a single combate, where I mean to rend thee in pieces, and be revenged on thee, base cur. And66 although I hear thou art impenitrable and likewise besmeared [pg 108] over with inchaunted oyle, so that no weapon, bullet nor sword can enter thee to make thee bleed; yet I have teeth which I have newly whetted shall so fasten and teare your German or Finland hide limb meale, and then flea thy skin and hang it on the hedg, and give thy pomperd flesh to those Iudges which we are to fight before, (namely the Worshipfull the Bears), to satisfie their hungry mawes this Lent; let me hear your dogged answer, or else I will proclaim thee Coward in print, and set thy name upon every whipping post &c.... Expect no favour from mee, nor will I from you; I will end the difference. I will have no Outlandish cur domineer in our Land. So saith your Surley foe Towzer, and servant to Prince Griffin."
In a contemporary piece [36] Boy is described as invulnerable, having escaped the dangers of war in an impressive way. It would be a shame to shorten the quote, as it reveals the political niceties of that time. "The challenge that Prince Griffins' dog, Towzer, has sent to Prince Rupert's dog, Puddle, dares him to meet in the Parish Garden this Lent to fight a duel before the respected bears, who are to act as judges in the matter.——You worm of wickedness, fool of folly, spawn of stubbornness, and piece of trash; considering your petty complaints and yelling at those above you. Besides that, there's honest Pepper. Toby's Dog, your match? No, he's too soft for you; you should have notified me, your equal, about your treaty and discussions. You would have found enough of me, for I will let you know that I eat as good rumps and kidneys as you, you lowly mutt do; when I have you at the appointed place, I will so dismember you that I will leave you with neither rump nor kidney, not even a heart as big as a hen or chick. I now openly defy you and all your actions, and I challenge you to meet me at the mentioned place; there I will fight, tug, and tear you apart in a single combat, where I intend to rip you into pieces and take my revenge on you, you worthless mutt. And66 although I hear you’re impenetrable and also smeared [pg 108] with enchanted oil, so that no weapon, bullet, or sword can penetrate you to make you bleed; still, I have teeth that I’ve just sharpened that will latch onto and tear your German or Finnish hide into pieces, and then I’ll skin you and hang your hide on the hedge, and give your fatty flesh to those judges, namely the honorable bears, to satisfy their hungry bellies this Lent; let me hear your cowardly reply, or I will publicly declare you a coward in print and put your name on every whipping post, etc.... Expect no favor from me, and I will expect none from you; I will settle the score. I will not let some foreign mutt dominate our land. So says your surly foe Towzer, and servant to Prince Griffin."
Long after poor Boy's death he was associated with Prince Rupert, for instance [42]—
Long after poor Boy's death, he was linked to Prince Rupert, for example [42]—
"See how the Sectists bustle now,
"Look at how the Sectists are bustling now,
The Independents sturre.
The Independents stir.
London is tam'd say they; as once
London is tamed, they say; as once
Prince Rupert with his curre."
Prince Rupert with his curre.
Boy at all events proved mortal, for he met with his death, after escaping in many battlefields, at Marston Moor, on 2d July 1644; and great rejoicings were made by the Puritan faction over his death. One of the "King's Pamphlets" is entirely devoted to him [43], and from this the accompanying engraving is taken. Here poor Boy, who is environed by a [pg 109] hail of bullets, is represented as being "killed by a Valliant Souldier, who had skill in Necromancy." And to keep up the idea of his supernatural birth a witch is standing by, lamenting. The "Elegie" commences with "P. Ruperts Sorrow."
Boy ultimately proved to be mortal, as he met his end, after surviving many battlefields, at Marston Moor, on July 2, 1644; and the Puritan faction celebrated his death. One of the "King's Pamphlets" is completely dedicated to him [43], and from this, the accompanying engraving is taken. Here, poor Boy, surrounded by a storm of bullets, is depicted as being "killed by a Valiant Soldier, who had skill in Necromancy." To maintain the idea of his supernatural origins, a witch stands nearby, mourning. The "Elegie" starts with "P. Ruperts Sorrow."
"Lament poor Cavaliers, cry, howl, and yelp.
"Lament poor Cavaliers, cry, howl, and yelp."
For the great losse of your Malignant Whelp.
For the great loss of your Malignant Whelp.
Hee's dead! Hee's dead: No more, alas, can he
He’s dead! He’s dead: No more, unfortunately, can he
Protect you Dammes, or get Victorie.
Protect your Dammes, or achieve victory.
How sad that Son of Blood did look to hear
How sad that Son of Blood appeared to listen
One tell the death of this shagg'd Cavalier,
One tells the death of this shaggy Cavalier,
Hee rav'd, he tore his Perriwigg, and swore.
He raved, he pulled at his wig, and cursed.
Against the Round heads that hee'd ne're fight more."
Against the Roundheads that he’d never fight again.
It goes on with a fabulous supernatural pedigree of Boy.
It continues with an amazing supernatural background of Boy.
"'Twas like a Dog, yet there was none did know
"'Twas like a Dog, yet there was none who knew"
Whether it Devill was, or Dog, or no."
Whether it was a devil, a dog, or neither.
And after a long political diatribe it winds up thus—
And after a long political rant, it ends up like this—
"To tell you all the pranks this Dogge hath wrought,
"To tell you all the tricks this Dogge has pulled,
That lov'd his Master, and him Bullets brought,
That loved his Master, and brought him bullets,
Would but make laughter, in these times of woe,
Would that it could bring laughter in these times of sorrow,
Or how this Curr came by his fatall blow,
Or how this Curr received his fatal blow,
Look on the Title Page, and there behold,
Look at the Title Page, and there you will see,
The Emblem will all this to you unfold.
The Emblem will reveal all of this to you.
Morrall.
The World's the Witch, the Dogge is the Devill,
The world is the witch, the dog is the devil,
And men th' Actors, that have wrought this evill."
And men the Actors, who have caused this trouble.
So famous was Boy, that the different newspapers gave his death as a special piece of intelligence [44]—"I may not omit to tell you that Prince Rupert lost his Bever, and his horse, and also his Dog was slain, and lay dead neere the Beanfield, where divers affirme the Prince hid himselfe, after a little service, till it was dark, and then he got to Yorke." Again [45]—"As for newes from the North, I heare it further confirmed, that the rumour which was here about Towne concerning Pr Ruperts hiding himselfe in a Beane field, and for [pg 110] which act hee is almost quite out of the Malignants bookes, is acknowledged to be most certaine, Nay, and I myselfe have heard it confessed from the mouths of some notorious Malignants: It had beene brave, with a blood hound there to have found him out, the plunderings, cruelties, Massacrings, rapes, and bloodshed, which lie upon his conscience, and which he cannot but beare about continually, must needs have yelded a strong scent to betray him unto revenge. But though his Necromantick Dogge, his Mephistophiles, was slaine, yet he seemes he made a shift to get secure into Yorke, and there to sweare the Townesmen into an opinion of his Victory." And in another newspaper [48] he is mentioned thus—"Amongst the dead Men and Horses which lay on the ground, wee found Prince Ruperts Dog killed. (This is onely mentioned by the way; because the Prince his Dog, hath been much spoken of, and was more prized by his Master than Creatures of much more worth.)"
So famous was Boy that various newspapers reported his death as breaking news [44]—"I can’t forget to mention that Prince Rupert lost his beaver, his horse, and his dog was also killed, lying dead near the bean field, where several claim the Prince hid himself for a while after some service until it got dark, and then he made his way to Yorke." Again [45]—"As for news from the North, I hear it's further confirmed that the rumor circulating in town about Pr Rupert hiding in a bean field, which has nearly erased him from the Malignants' lists, is known to be absolutely true. Indeed, I've even heard it admitted by some notorious Malignants: It would have been great to have a bloodhound there to track him down; the plundering, cruelty, massacres, rapes, and bloodshed that weigh on his conscience, which he must carry around continually, would surely have given off a strong scent to lead to his discovery. But although his Necromantic dog, his Mephistopheles, was killed, it seems he managed to secure himself in Yorke and swear the townspeople into believing he was victorious." And in another newspaper [48] he is mentioned like this—"Among the dead men and horses sprawled on the ground, we found Prince Rupert’s dog dead. (This is only mentioned in passing because the Prince's dog has been talked about a lot and was valued by his master more than creatures of much greater worth.)"
A contemporary tract [46] (which is a dry political discussion, and has nothing whatever to do with the title-page) furnishes the accompanying engraving, which is exceedingly graphic. Here we again see poor Boy, exactly as described, lying "dead neere the Beanfield," which is represented with preraphaelite fidelity. It is also hinted at in the engraving [pg 111] which shows him being shot "by a Valliant Soulder, who had skill in Necromancy," but in this one is introduced the head of Prince Rupert, who is supposed to be there hiding.
A modern pamphlet [46] (which is a boring political discussion that has nothing to do with the title page) provides the accompanying illustration, which is highly detailed. Here we again see the poor Boy, just as described, lying "dead near the Beanfield," depicted with preraphaelite accuracy. It's also suggested in the illustration [pg 111] showing him being shot "by a valiant soldier, who was skilled in necromancy," but in this version, the head of Prince Rupert is added, who is believed to be hiding there.
His baggage fell into the hands of the victorious Parliamentarians, and the satirist cannot help having a fling at the Prince's Romish proclivities, as the contents of his sumpter horses' baggage shows bulls, crucifixes, images, a bell, etc. On this subject there is another satire [47]—"The Catholikes Petition to Prince Rupert," from which the accompanying engraving is taken.
His luggage ended up in the hands of the winning Parliamentarians, and the satirist couldn't resist poking fun at the Prince's Catholic tendencies, as the contents of his packhorses' bags revealed bulls, crucifixes, images, a bell, and so on. On this topic, there is another satire [47]—"The Catholikes Petition to Prince Rupert," from which the accompanying engraving is taken.
But the Prince had another pet, a she monkey, and the satirist must needs make that inoffensive animal a mark at which to spit his spite, although nothing like the supernatural powers of Boy were attributed to her. There are two portraits extant of her, but I have only reproduced one, the dresses in both cases being precisely similar, and may probably represent her real costume [49]. In this tract she is described as—"I never saw such a strange fashioned creature in my life; for she hath a kind of Round-head as smooth as an apple, and if there be any Round-head this Munkey is one, her brow is low and wrinkled hanging over her little eyes; her nose thats flatt is very short, her cheekes are leane and lanke, and her thin lipps do hardly cover her teeth, the complection of her whole face is swarthy, cover'd with hayre greene as mosse, and lastly she [pg 112] hides her head in a black bagg, moreover she weares a greene or yellow gowne trimmed about with lace, & a girdle about her middle by the which she is fastned to the nave of a wheele, for the Prince is full of feares and Jelousies that if she were loose she would steale away into some wood and live there upon nutts and apples.... Thus P. Ruperts Monkey is a kind of old, little, wrinkled, old faced, petulant, wanton, and malignant gentlewoman ... that sometimes rides upon the beast that is Prince Rupert's dog....
But the Prince had another pet, a female monkey, and the satirist had to make that harmless animal a target for his spite, even though she didn’t have any of the supernatural powers attributed to Boy. There are two existing portraits of her, but I've only included one, since the outfits in both are exactly the same, and they likely represent her actual clothing [49]. In this document, she is described as—"I have never seen such a strange-looking creature in my life; she has a kind of round head that’s smooth like an apple, and if there is any round-headed creature, this monkey is one. Her brow is low and wrinkled, hanging over her little eyes; her flat nose is very short, her cheeks are thin and lean, and her thin lips barely cover her teeth. The color of her whole face is dark, covered with hair that’s green like moss, and finally, she hides her head in a black bag. Moreover, she wears a green or yellow gown trimmed with lace, and a girdle around her waist by which she is attached to the hub of a wheel, because the Prince is filled with fears and jealousy that if she were loose, she would run off into some woods and live there on nuts and apples.... Thus, P. Rupert's monkey is a kind of old, little, wrinkled, old-faced, petulant, mischievous, and spiteful lady... who sometimes rides on the beast that is Prince Rupert's dog....
Prince Rupert's Monkey is a toy,
Prince Rupert's Monkey is a toy,
That doth exceed his dog called Boy,
That surpasses his dog named Boy,
Which through dogged folly,
Which through stubborn foolishness,
Both Barkes and Bites,
Both Barks and Bites,
But this delights
But this is delightful
The Prince when's melancholy.
The Prince's sad mood.
He puts sweetemeats and sugar plumbs
He puts candies and sugar plums
Into his Monkey's toothlesse gums,
Into his monkey's toothless gums,
Which open like an oyster,
Which open like an oyster,
For he doth esteeme
For he does esteem
A wench I meane,
A girl I mean,
More than a Nun in a Cloister."
More than a nun in a convent.
The colour of her dress is also described in a tract, before quoted from [39]—"And Prince Roberts Monkey dare not come thither, lest the Parliaments Bitch should tear her green coat off from her back."
The color of her dress is also mentioned in a passage, previously cited from [39]—"And Prince Roberts Monkey wouldn't dare go there, for fear that the Parliament's Bitch would rip her green coat off her back."
Her food is described in another tract [50]—"She would eat no oatmeal, nor lome of walls to cure her infirmitie, but the longest whitest sugar plums she could put into her mouth, were most delightfull to her taste, and had such a ravenous appetite to fruit that she would swallow all but the stones, and having gotten a delectable bit in her mouth, she would onely suck the juice out of it and then spit out the rest.... Moreover this Monkey was and is by nature a notable plunderer not onely of studdies and closets, into which, if she got, she would teare the books, spill the ink, and eat the sweetmeats."
Her food is described in another section [50]—"She wouldn’t eat oatmeal or wall paste to fix her ailments, but the longest, whitest sugar plums she could fit in her mouth were the most delightful to her taste. She had such a strong craving for fruit that she would swallow everything except the stones, and once she got a tasty piece in her mouth, she would just suck the juice out of it and spit out the rest.... Moreover, this monkey was and still is naturally a notorious thief, not only of studies and cabinets, where if she got in, she would tear the books, spill the ink, and eat the sweets."
This is about all I dare reproduce about this pet of Prince Rupert's, the remainder of these tracts being filled with political allusions, which are somewhat hard to be understood now, and of no interest to this book, the remainder being written somewhat more coarsely than usual. But enough has been said about them to show how the satirists of that age seized upon any thing which they could turn to their purpose.
This is about all I feel comfortable sharing about Prince Rupert's pet; the rest of these writings are filled with political references that are pretty hard to understand today and aren’t really relevant to this book. The rest is written in a somewhat rougher style than usual. But I've shared enough to illustrate how the satirists of that time used anything they could for their own ends.
64 Memoirs of Prince Rupert and the Cavaliers, by Eliot Warburton. Lond. 1849.
64 Memoirs of Prince Rupert and the Cavaliers, by Eliot Warburton. Lond. 1849.
65 This is reproduced on p. 360 of "Chap Books of the 18th Century," by John Ashton. Lond. 1882.
65 This is shown on p. 360 of "Chap Books of the 18th Century," by John Ashton. London, 1882.
66 These italics are mine.
These italics are mine.
[51.]A Citizen for Recreations Sake
A Citizen for Fun
To see the Countrie would a journie make,
To see the country would take a journey,
Some dozen mile, or little more,
Some twelve miles, or a little more,
Taking his leave of friends two months before;
Taking his leave of friends two months earlier;
With drinking healths, and shaking by the hand,
With toasting to health and shaking hands,
As he had travail'd to some new-found land.
As he had traveled to some newly discovered land.
Well, taking horse, with very much a doe,
Well, taking a horse, with a lot of grace,
London he leaveth for a day or two:
London he leaves for a day or two:
And as he rideth meets upon the way
And as he rides, he meets others along the way.
Such (as what haste soever) bid men stay;
Such (no matter how much haste) urge people to stay;
Sirrah (sayes one) stand, and your purse deliver;
Sir, someone says, stand still and hand over your wallet;
I am a taker, you must be a giver.
I'll take, you give.
Unto a wood hard by they hale him in,
Unto a nearby woods, they drag him in,
And rifle him unto the very skin.
And search him down to the skin.
Masters (quoth he) pray heare me ere you goe,
Masters, he said, please hear me before you go.
For you have robbed more than you doe know:
For you have stolen more than you realize:
My horse (in troth) I borrowed of my Brother,
My horse (for real) I borrowed from my brother,
The Bridle and the Saddle of another:
The Bridle and the Saddle of another:
The Scarfe, I doe assure you, is a Saylers:
The scarf, I assure you, is a sailor's:
The Falling-band is likewise none of mine,
The falling-band isn't mine either.
Nor Cuffes, as true as this good light doth shine:
Nor Cuffes, as true as this good light shines:
The Sattin Doublet and the Velvet Hose,
The Sattin Doublet and the Velvet Hose,
Are our Church-wardens, all the parish knowes.
Are our church wardens, everyone in the parish knows.
The Bootes are John the Grocers of the Swan,
The Bootes are John the Grocers of the Swan,
The Spurs were lent me by a Serving-man:
The Spurs were given to me by a servant:
One of my Rings, (that with the great red Stone)
One of my rings, the one with the big red stone,
Insooth I borrowed of my gossip Joane.
In fact, I borrowed from my friend Joane.
Her husband knowes not of it gentlemen,
Her husband doesn't know about it, gentlemen.
Thus stands my case, I pray shew favour then.
Thus, my case is presented; please show me some favor.
Why (quoth the theeves) thou needst not greatly care,
Why (said the thieves) you don't need to worry too much,
Since in thy losse so many beare a share:
Since so many share in your loss:
The world growes hard, many good fellows lack
The world is getting tough, many good people are struggling.
Look not at this time for a penny back.
Look not for a penny in return at this time.
Goe tell at London, thou didst meet with four,
Goes to tell in London, you met with four,
That rifling thee hath rob'd at least a score.
That rifling has robbed you of at least twenty.
67 The exact meaning of these garments seems to be in doubt. They were probably some kind of skirt.
67 The exact meaning of these garments is unclear. They were likely some type of skirt.
The Connicatcher68 and Priest of Paris.
[52.] A lewd knave, a Cheater, espied a wealthy Priest, whose purse was full of money, lately arrived in the City of Paris out of the Countrey to buy necessaries, and with a bold face saluted him, requested his aid in a small matter concerning a man of his own calling. What's that, (quoth the Priest?) It is, Sir, (quoth he) this. The Parson of our Towne hath given mee money to buy a Surplesse, and I, having small knowledge in it, would request your ayde in the Choyce of a good one, making no question of your good skill. With all my heart (quoth the Priest.)
[52.] A sleazy trickster spotted a wealthy priest, whose wallet was stuffed with cash, recently arrived in the city of Paris from the countryside to buy some essentials. With a bold demeanor, he greeted him and asked for his help with a little issue related to someone in his profession. "What's that?" asked the priest. "Well, sir," he replied, "the pastor of our town has given me money to buy a surplice, and since I don't know much about it, I would appreciate your help in choosing a good one, as I have no doubt about your expertise." "Of course," said the priest.
Comming to the shop of sale, the Connicatcher called for some choyce Surplesses, and desired the Priest to choose out one of the best. Which done, intreated him to assay it, [pg 115] whether it were in all points as it ought to be. The Priest was nimble at his game, for it was his dayly exercise, but the Cheater found fault with the making, bearing out such an uncomly bulke at his right side. Oh (quoth the Priest) my girdle and pouch is cause of that, and immediately loosed his girdle and pouch, willing the Connicatcher to hold it till he had better girded up the Surplesse as it ought to be. The Connicatcher having as much as he desired suddenly leapt out of the shop and ranne away as fast as he could with the Priests girdle and pouch full of money. The Priest turning about, and seeing his purse and money flying for religion (sic) made all the haste he could in the Surplesse after the Connicatcher, crying and calling Hold the Theefe, Hold the Theefe, The Connicatcher cried out. Hold the Priest, for he is mad, and will kill me: the shopkeeper followed as fast as he could and cried, Stop the Priest, for he hath stolne my Surplesse. The people halfe amazed at this accident, laid hold on the Priest, but before he could declare his misfortune, the Connicatcher was gone far enough, not to be caught again in haste. Which caused much good laughter, and the Priest payed for the Surplesse.
Arriving at the shop, the trickster asked for some nice surplus garments and requested the priest to pick out one of the best. After that, he urged him to try it on to see if it fit properly. The priest was quick to help, as it was his daily routine, but the scammer complained about how it was made, saying it bulged awkwardly on his right side. "Oh," said the priest, "it's my belt and pouch that's causing that," and he promptly loosened his belt and pouch, asking the trickster to hold them while he adjusted the surplus garment properly. With what he wanted, the trickster suddenly jumped out of the shop and ran away as fast as he could with the priest’s belt and a pouch full of money. The priest turned around and, seeing his purse and money escaping for the sake of religion, hurried after the trickster in the surplus, shouting, "Stop the thief! Stop the thief!" The trickster shouted back, "Stop the priest! He's crazy and trying to kill me!" The shopkeeper chased after them as fast as he could, yelling, "Stop the priest! He stole my surplus!" The onlookers, half shocked by the scene, caught hold of the priest, but before he could explain his predicament, the trickster was long gone and out of reach. This caused much laughter, and the priest ended up paying for the surplus.
68 A sharper.
A sharper.
Pray what Countryman
What’s up, country person?
Are you? says he, from the West;
Are you? he says, from the West;
By my troth says Hugh,
I swear says Hugh,
I do think so too,
I think so too.
All the wise Men come from the East.
All the wise men come from the East.
On Bond the Usurer.
[17.] One that had sore eyes, was jeer'd by another that was clear ey'd; who told him they were not so sore, but that he could see a knave: It may be so, says he, but you must look in a Glass then.
[17.] One guy with sore eyes was mocked by another who had clear eyesight. The clearer-eyed one told him that his eyes weren't really that sore, but he could still see a fool. The guy replied, but you should look in a mirror then.
[18.] A Citizen telling a Courtier that he had just then eased himself of a great Burden by paying a Debt he owed, and that he could not apprehend how any Man could sleep that was in Debt; For my part, answered the Courtier, I should rather wonder how my Creditors can sleep, well knowing that I shall never pay them.
[18.] A citizen telling a courtier that he had just relieved himself of a huge burden by paying off a debt he owed, and that he couldn’t understand how anyone could sleep while being in debt; As for me, replied the courtier, I’d be more surprised at how my creditors can sleep, fully aware that I’ll never pay them.
[4.] A certain Knave asking a virtuous Gentlewoman, jearingly, What was honesty? she answered, What's that to you? Meddle with those things that concern you.
[4.] A certain scoundrel asked a virtuous lady, jokingly, What is honesty? She replied, What's that to you? Focus on your own business.
THE POETS DREAM69
OR,
The Great Outcry and Lamentable Complaint
of the Land against
Bailiffs and their dogs.
Wherein is Expressed their Villanous Out-rages to poor
Men; With a true Description of their
Knavery and their Debauch'd Actions; Prescribed
and Presented to the view of all People.
Wherein is Expressed their Villainous Outrages to poor
Men; With a true Description of their
Dishonesty and their Immoral Actions; Prescribed
and Presented to the view of all People.
To the Tune of Sawny &c.
To the Tune of "Sawny" &c.
methought the world most strangely went;
methought the world was really strange;
The Bayliffs on High Seats was seen,
The Bailiffs on High Seats was seen,
which caus'd the Poor's great discontent.
which caused the poor's great discontent.
They pluckt true Justice from the Throne,
They pulled true Justice from the Throne,
erecting Laws made of their own,
creating their own laws,
And burthen'd the Poor till they made them groan,
And burdened the poor until they groaned,
And that's the cause that the Land Complains.
And that's why the Land Complains.
Their Meeting house was an Ale-wives Bench,
Their gathering place was an alewives' bench,
fix'd in a Street that is termed Old;
fix'd in a street that's called Old;
Their Speaker was a Play-house-Wench
Their Speaker was a actress
both —— and Thief, and a Devilish Scold.
both —— and Thief, and a Devilish Scold.
Shee'd guzzel Brandy, Wine or Ale,
She’d drink brandy, wine, or beer,
and then she'd at her Neighbours Rail,
and then she'd be at her neighbor's railing,
And send for the Bayliffs to have them to Jayl,
And send for the Bailiffs to take them to jail,
And that's the cause &c.
And that's the reason, etc.
Methoughts a mighty hunting-match,
I thought it was a big hunt,
was made by Bayliffs and their Currs:
was made by Bailiffs and their Dogs:
Poor men was the Deer they strove to catch,
Poor men were the Deer they tried to catch,
The Suburbs-Round, it was their Park,
The Suburbs-Round, it was their Park,
the Bayliffs yell, the Dogs did Bark,
the bailiffs yell, and the dogs bark,
The Poor kept as close as Noah in the Ark,
The Poor stayed as close as Noah did in the Ark,
And that's the Cause &c.
And that's the Cause & Co.
Then Shephard and his Dog wheel'd up to th' right,
Then Shephard and his dog turned to the right,
and thunder'd by a Cursed Lane,
and thundered by a Cursed Lane,
And there the Villains wrought their Spight,
And there the villains unleashed their spite,
for by them, once, was a poor Man slain.
for by them, once, a poor man was killed.
They Swear, before they'l ever lack,
They promise that they'll never be without,
they'l go to Hell, a Pick-a Pack,
they'll go to Hell, a Pick-a Pack,
And thus poor Debters they go to rack,
And so poor debtors are left to suffer,
And that's the Cause &c.
And that's the Cause & Etc.
There's Cursing Will and Damme Jack,
There's cursing Will and Damme Jack,
and Robbin Tanner's alive agen,
and Robbin Tanner's alive again,
And Paunchgut Tom, (a Hellish Pack),
And Paunchgut Tom, (a Hellish Gang),
with perjur'd Dick, and bawdy Ben:
with perjured Dick, and raunchy Ben:
Which formerly on Earth did Dwell,
Which once lived on Earth,
and now they are return'd from Hell,
and now they have returned from Hell,
And doth against our Laws Rebell.
And is rebelling against our laws.
And that's the Cause &c.
And that's the Cause, etc.
When I awaked from my Dream,
When I woke up from my dream,
methoughts the world turn'd upside down,
methoughts the world turned upside down,
And in great haste, I Writ this Theam,
And in a hurry, I wrote this theme,
for the Bayliffs Doggs of our Town;
for the Bayliffs’ Dogs of our Town;
Who for their Pray each hour doe wait,
Who wait for their prayer each hour,
like Death at every poor Man's Gate,
like Death at every poor man's gate,
And brings the Realm to a Dismal fate.
And leads the Realm to a grim fate.
And that's the Cause &c.
And that's the reason, etc.
When Poor men are out of Employ
When poor people are out of work
and have not a Farthing in the World,
and don't have a penny to my name,
The while there Wives and Children cry,
The while their wives and children cry,
there's many are in a Prison hurl'd:
there are many who are thrown into a prison:
Men are enticed by the Bumms,
Men are drawn in by the Bumms,
who swear they ne'r will pay their Summs,
who swear they'll never pay their sums,
Thus Poor in Flocks to the Jaylor comes,
Thus, poor and without a flock, he goes to the jailer,
And that's the Cause &c.
And that's the Cause, etc.
The Tallyman, Curmudgeon, keeps
The Tallyman, Grump, keeps
a Baylif and his Dog to Bite,
a Bailiff and his Dog to Bite,
If in their Books, men ever Creeps,
If in their books, people ever creep,
they quickly swear they'l have their Right:
they quickly swear they'll get their rights:
So soon as e're they do Back-slide,
As soon as they backslide,
the Torturing Jale they must abide
the Torturing Jale they must follow
Then Toby and Dog's employ'd;
Then Toby and Dog's hired;
And that's the Cause &c.
And that’s the reason.
When Rogues are at the Old Bayly Burn'd,
When Rogues are at the Old Bayly Burn'd,
and that their Pilfering Trades do fail;
and that their stealing businesses do fail;
From Thieves to Bayliff's Dogs have turn'd,
From thieves to bailiff's dogs have turned,
to plague and hurry the Poor to Jayl:
to trouble and rush the Poor to Jail:
How like Kid-nappers all the Day,
How much like kidnappers all day,
in every Corner they Survey,
in every corner they survey,
And quaff whole Bowls when they get their way.
And drink entire cups when they get what they want.
And that's the Cause &c.
And that's the Cause &c.
Ten Groat's the Fees, and a Crown the arrest
Ten Groat's the Fees, and a Crown the arrest
and three Round OOO's for a Writ beside,
and three Round OOO's for a Writ as well,
Thus Laws are broken, and poor men opprest,
Thus, laws are broken, and poor people are oppressed,
such Racking torments they must abide.
such racking torments they must endure.
And while the Prisoner sends for Bail,
And while the Prisoner calls for Bail,
they Tope the Brandy, Beer and Ale,
they topped the brandy, beer, and ale,
And makes him pay, or they have him to Jail.
And makes him pay, or they send him to jail.
And that's the Cause &c.
And that's the Cause &c.
For Twenty Shillings, Ten or Five,
For twenty shillings, ten, or five,
they'l put a man to a Cursed Charge;
they'll put a man to a Cursed Charge;
Or run him to Jayl they'l soon contrive,
Or run him to jail, they'll figure it out quickly,
where other Bills are exprest at Large:
where other Bills are expressed in full:
The Jayl Fees many are bound to Rue,
The Jayl Fees many are bound to Rue,
the Garnish, Bed and Turnkey too,
the Garnish, Bed, and Turnkey too,
Expects an unexpected Due,
Expects an unexpected deadline,
And that's the Cause &c.
And that’s the Cause &c.
Tis seldom a Bayliff or his Dog
Tis seldom a Bailiff or his Dog
is ever known for to go to Church;
is ever known to go to church;
As soon as they here the Word of God
As soon as they hear the Word of God
they leave the Parson in the lurch:
they leave the Parson in a tough spot:
They swear they'l come to Church no more,
They swear they won't come to church anymore,
they lay their sins to Adam's Score,
they attribute their sins to Adam's Score,
And jaunt to Moorfields to a ——,
And trip to Moorfields to a ——,
And that's the Cause &c.
And that's the cause etc.
Thus I conclude and end my Song,
Thus, I conclude and finish my song,
desiring that you wou'd be content;
desiring that you would be happy;
There's Christian Peers that may right our wrong.
There's Christian peers who can help fix our mistakes.
when Heaven yields up a Parliament:
when Heaven opens up a Parliament:
I hope true Reason will plead our Cause,
I hope true reason will advocate for us,
while they'r erecting wholesome Laws
while they're establishing fair laws
They'l keep us from the Crocodils paws,
They'll keep us from the Crocodils paws,
Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball near the Bear Tavern in Pye Corner.
Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball near the Bear Tavern in Pye Corner.
70 Fir-trees.
Fir trees.
71 16th Dec. 1671. See the Kings Bench Prisoners Thanks to his Majesty for their late Deliverance By his Majesties Most Gracious Act. (82. l.8)/53 s. sh. fol.
71 December 16, 1671. The prisoners in King's Bench thank His Majesty for their recent release through His Majesty's most gracious act. (82. l.8)/53 s. sh. fol.
The dumbe wife recovered her speech.
[52.] A certaine Farmer had taken to wife a dumb woman, and hearing of a great Magician lately come into England, he tooke horse and rode to him, and demanded if there were no help for a woman that had lost her speech. The Magician answered, Yes, it is an easie matter, and told him hee must take an Aspen leafe, and lay it under her tongue, and it would instantly help her. The Farmer was joy'd with this tidings, and returned in haste homewards, suspecting in himselfe the vertue of his new receit, and therefore to make the matter more sure, he tooke three Aspen leaves, and laid them all three under his wifes tongue, who immediately began to talk and prate very nimbly, and in the end, upon a very small occasion to curse and raile downeright upon her husband, as if shee had beene mad. The Farmer was now in a peck of troubles, and posted in all hast to the Magician, certifying him of this unhappy accident. The Magician demanded if hee absolutely followed his counsell. The Farmer answered No, for (quoth he) instead of one leaf I have used three, hoping to make the matter surer. Marry then, God help thee, (quoth the Magician) for it is an easie matter to make a woman speak, but to make her hold her tongue is past my cunning. Nay, all the devills in Hell could never worke such a wonder. Whereat the Farmer much grieved, departed.
[52.] A certain farmer had married a mute woman, and hearing about a great magician who had recently come to England, he took his horse and rode to him, asking if there was any way to help a woman who had lost her speech. The magician replied, "Yes, it's an easy fix," and told him he needed to take an aspen leaf and place it under her tongue, and it would instantly help her. The farmer was thrilled with this news and hurried home, believing in the power of his new remedy. To be extra sure, he took three aspen leaves and placed all three under his wife's tongue, who immediately began to talk rapidly and eventually, for a very small reason, started to curse and rant at her husband as if she had gone mad. The farmer was now in a heap of trouble and quickly went back to the magician, informing him of this unfortunate situation. The magician asked if he had absolutely followed his advice. The farmer replied, "No, because instead of one leaf, I used three, hoping to make it more effective." "Well then, God help you," said the magician, "because it's easy to make a woman speak, but making her keep quiet is beyond my skills. In fact, all the devils in Hell could never accomplish such a feat." The farmer, feeling very upset, left.
[32.] What is that the more ye lay on, the faster it wasteth?
[32.] What is it that the more you put on, the quicker it goes away?
Solution. That is a Whetstone, for the more ye whet the less is the Whetstone.
Solution. That is a Whetstone, because the more you sharpen, the less the Whetstone remains.
A Countrey fellow plaine in Russet clad;
A country guy dressed simply in brown;
His doublet Mutton-taffety Sheep-skins,
His mutton taffeta sheepskin jacket,
His sleeves at hand button'd with two good pins;
His sleeves at the cuffs were fastened with two sturdy pins;
Upon his head a filthy greasie Hat,
Upon his head a filthy greasy hat,
That had a hole eate thorou it by a Rat,
That had a hole eaten through it by a rat,
A Leather Pouch that with a Snap-hance shut,
A leather pouch that closes with a snap.
One hundred Hobnailes in his Shooes were put:
One hundred Hobnails were in his shoes:
The stockings that his Clownish legs did fit,
The stockings that fit his clownish legs,
Were Kersie to the calfe, and t'other knit;
Were Kersie to the calf, and the other knitted;
And at a word, th' apparell that he wore
And at a word, the outfit that he wore
Was not worth twelve pence, at Who gives more?
Wasn't worth twelve pence, at Who gives more?
The other surety of another stuffe,
The other guarantee of another thing,
His neck inviron'd with a double Ruffe,
His neck surrounded by a double ruff,
Made Lawne and Cambrick both such common ware,
Made Lawne and Cambrick both became such ordinary items,
His Doublet set had falling Band to spare;
His doublet set had an extra falling band;
His fashion new, with last Edition stood,
His new fashion, with the latest edition, stood,
His Rapier Hilts imbru'd in golden blood:
His rapier hilts stained with golden blood:
And these same trappings made him seeme one sound,
And these same trappings made him seem like one solid person,
To passe his credit for an hundred pound,
To help his reputation for a hundred pounds,
So was accepted; Russet coat deny'd,
So it was accepted; the russet coat was denied,
But when time came the money should be pay'd,
But when the time came to pay the money,
And Monsieur Usurer did hunt him out,
And Mr. Usurer did track him down,
Strange alteration struck his heart in doubt;
Strange changes filled his heart with doubt;
And Brokers had his painted cloaths to sell;
And Brokers had his painted clothes to sell;
The Usurer then further understands,
The lender then further understands,
The Clowne (refus'd) was rich and had good lands;
The Clowne (refused) was wealthy and owned good land;
Ready (through rage) to hang himselfe, he swore
Ready (through rage) to hang himself, he swore
That Silken Knaves should cozen him no more.
That Silken Knaves should cheat him no more.
[8.] A seaman coming before the Judges of the Admiralty for admittance into office in a ship bound for the Indies, was by one of the Judges much sleighted, as an insufficient person [pg 122] for that office which he sought for to acquire; till the Judge telling him that he believed that he could not say the points of his Compass; the Seaman answered, better than he could say his Pater Noster: The Judge replyed, that he would wager twenty shillings with him of that; so the Seaman taking him up, it came to trial, and the Seaman began and said all the points of his Compass very exactly; the Judge likewise said his Pater Noster, and when he had finished it, he required the wager according to the agreement, because the Seaman was to say his Compass better than he his Pater Noster, which he had not performed: nay hold, quoth the Sea man, the wager is not finished, for I have but half done; and so he immediately said his Compass backward very exactly, which the Judge failing of in his Pater Noster, the Seaman carried away the prize.
[8.] A sailor appeared before the Admiralty Judges to be accepted for a position on a ship headed for the Indies. One of the Judges looked down on him, deeming him unworthy of the role he wanted. The Judge then said he doubted the sailor could name the points of his Compass. The sailor responded that he could do it better than he could recite his Pater Noster. The Judge replied that he would bet twenty shillings on that. The sailor accepted the challenge, and during the trial, he accurately named all the points of his Compass. The Judge recited his Pater Noster, and upon finishing, he claimed the bet since the sailor didn't name the Compass points better. The sailor replied, “Hold on, the bet isn’t over, as I’ve only done half." He then proceeded to recite the Compass points backward with perfect precision. The Judge couldn’t do the same with his Pater Noster, so the sailor won the bet.
[12.]A Grave there was made
A grave was made
For one Aylet, he said
For one Aylet, he said
The Bell for him then did toul;
The Bell then tolled for him;
But you lye like a Knave,
But you lie like a jerk,
It is not a Grave,
It's not a grave,
But only an Aylet hole.
But only an Aylet hole.
[17.] One having a very great Nose, and thin beard, was told the shadow of his Nose did hinder his Beard's growth.
[17.] One man with a really big nose and a thin beard was told that the shadow from his nose was blocking his beard from growing.
[26.] An Apothecary in Oxford spoke to a Country man by way of Jeer to bring him some live Rats, and he would give him eighteen pence a piece for them; and a fortnight after he brought them; and then the Apothecary told him, That he was provided the day before. The Country Fellow seeing he was abused, was resolved to be quit with him, saying, I am unwilling (seeing I have brought them) to carry them back again; and told him he would take three pence out in Physick at some time or other; and so opened his Bag, and let them about the Shop, which did so whisk up and down the Shelves, that in a little space they broke him about forty Pots and Glasses, and could never get rid of them since. Probatum est.
[26.] An apothecary in Oxford joked with a countryman, saying he would pay him eighteen pence each for live rats. Two weeks later, the countryman brought the rats, but the apothecary told him, that he had already gotten some the day before. The countryman, feeling cheated, decided to get back at him, saying, I don't want to take them back since I brought them; he then said he would take three pence worth of medicine at some point. He opened his bag and let the rats loose in the shop, which scurried around and ended up breaking about forty pots and glasses within a short time, and he could never get rid of them since. Probatum est.
A Courtier and a Scholler meeting.
Hap'ned by chance a Scholler for to meet,
Happened by chance that a scholar met,
The Courtier said, (minding nought more than place)
The Courtier said, (caring about nothing but status)
Unto the Scholler, meeting face to face,
Unto the Scholar, meeting in person,
To take the wall, base men Ile not permit,
To take the wall, I won't allow lowly men.
The Scholler said, I will, and gave him it.
The Scholler said, "I will," and gave it to him.
[4.] A Lady going to Mass to present her Tapers, fixed one to St. Michael, and another to the Devil that was at his Feet. The Clerk seeing her, told her she did not well to offer a Candle to the Devil. No matter, says the Lady, 'tis good to have Friends every where; for we know not where we shall go.
[4.] A lady going to Mass to present her candles secured one to St. Michael and another to the Devil at his feet. The clerk saw her and said it was inappropriate to offer a candle to the Devil. No worries, replied the lady, it's good to have friends everywhere; after all, we don’t know where we’ll end up.
[8.] There was a gentleman fell very sick, and a friend of his said to him, Surely you are in danger, I pray you send for a Physician; but the sick man answered, It is no matter, for if I die I will die at leisure.
[8.] There was a man who got really sick, and a friend of his said to him, "You’re in danger, please call a doctor;" but the sick man replied, It doesn't matter, because if I die, I want to take my time doing it.
Met a poore Youth, that did intreat and pray
Met a poor kid, who asked and begged
Something of Charitie in his distresse;
Something of Charity in his distress;
Helpe Sir (quoth hee) one that is Fatherlesse,
Helpo Sir (he said) someone who is Fatherless,
Sirrah (sayd hee) away, begone with speed,
Sir, he said, go away quickly,
Ile helpe none such; thou art a Knave indeed:
I won't help someone like you; you're truly a jerk.
Dost thou complaine because thou wants a Father?
Do you complain because you want a father?
Were it in my case I would rejoyce the rather;
Were it up to me, I would be more joyful;
For if thy Father's death, cause thee repine,
For if your father's death makes you resentful,
I would my Father had excused thine.
I wish my father had forgiven you.
The little Barly-Corne.73
Whose Properties and Vertues here,
Whose properties and virtues here,
Shall plainly to the world appeare,
Shall clearly show to the world,
And make you merry all the yeere.
And keep you happy all year long.
To the tune of Stingo
To the tune of "Stingo"
if thou the truth discerne,
if you discern the truth,
But take a full cup in thy hand,
But take a full cup in your hand,
and thus begin to learne,
and thus begin to learn,
Not of the earth, nor of the ayre,
Not of the earth, nor of the air,
at evening or at morne,
in the evening or in the morning,
But, joviale boyes, your Christmas keep
But, cheerful boys, enjoy your Christmas
with the little Barly-Corne.
with the little Barley-Corn.
It is the cunningst Alchymist,
It is the cleverest Alchemist,
that ere was in the Land,
that there was in the Land,
Twill change your Mettle when it list
It will change your mood whenever it wants.
in turning of a hand,
with a flick of the wrist,
Your blushing Gold to Silver wan,
Your blushing gold has faded to silver,
your Silver into Brasse,
your Silver into Brass,
Twill turn a Taylor to a man
It will turn a tailor into a man.
and a man into an ass—
and a man into a donkey—
Twill make a poore man rich to hang
Twill make a poor man rich to hang
a signe before his doore,
a sign before his door,
And those that doe the Pitcher hang,
And those who hang the pitcher,
tho rich, twill make them poore;
tho rich, it'll make them poor;
the King's great Porter75 scorne;
Twill make the stoutest Lubber weak,
Twill make the strongest fool weak,
this little Barley Corne.
this little Barley Corn.
or Hocus Pocus too,
or Hocus Pocus as well,
It will good fellowes shew more sport
It will show more entertainment, good friends.
than Bankes77 his horse could doe:
Twill play you faire above the boord,
Twill play you fair above the board,
unless you take good heed,
unless you pay close attention,
And fell you though you were a Lord,
And although you thought you were a Lord,
and iustifie the deed.
and justify the deed.
It lends more yeeres unto old Age,
It adds more years to old age,
than ere was lent by Nature,
than was given by Nature,
It makes the Poet's fancy rage,
It drives the Poet's imagination wild,
more than Castalian water;
more than Castalian water;
Twill make a Huntsman chase a Fox,
Twill make a hunter chase a fox,
and never winde his Horn,
and never blow his horn,
Twill cheere a Tinker in the stockes,
Twill cheer a Tinker in the stocks,
this little Barly-Corne.
this little Barley-Corn.
It is the only Will o' th' wispe
It is the only Will o' the wisp.
which leades men from the way,
which leads people off the path,
Twill make the tongue ti'd Lawyer lisp
Twill make the lawyer talk with a lisp.
and naught but (hic-up) say.
and nothing but (hic-up) say.
Twill make the Steward droope and stoop
It will make the Steward droop and bend.
his Bils he then will scorne,
his bills he then will scorn,
And at each post cast his reckning up,
And at each post, he totaled it up,
this little Barly-Corne.
this little Barleycorn.
Twill make a man grow jealous soone,
It will quickly make a man jealous,
whose pretty Wife goes trim,
whose attractive wife stays well-groomed,
And raile at the deceiving Moone
And rant at the deceitful moon
for making hornes at him:
for teasing him:
Twill make the Maidens trimly dance,
Twill make the girls dance in style,
and take it in no scorne,
and don’t take it the wrong way,
And helpe them to a friend by chance;
And help them find a friend by chance;
this little Barly-Corne.
this little Barley-Corn.
It is the neatest Serving man
It's the neatest servant.
to entertaine a friend,
to entertain a friend,
It will doe more than money can,
It will do more than money can.
all iarring suits to end:
all hiring suits to end:
There's life in it, and it is here,
There's life in it, and it's here,
'tis here within this Cup,
'Here within this cup,'
Then take your liquor; doe not spare,
Then take your drink; don't hold back,
but cleare carouse it up.
but celebrate it fully.
If sicknesse Come, this Physick take
If sickness comes, take this medicine.
it from your heart will set it,
it from your heart will set it,
If feare incroach, take more of it,
If fear creeps in, take on even more of it,
your heart will soon forget it:
your heart will soon move on:
Apollo and the Muses nine,
Apollo and the nine Muses,
doe take it in no scorne,
do not take it in offense,
There's no such stuffe to passe the time,
There's no such thing as stuff to pass the time,
as the little Barly-Corne.
as the little Barley-Corn.
Twill make a weeping Widdow laugh,
Twill make a crying widow laugh,
and some incline to pleasure;
and some lean toward pleasure;
Twill make an old man leave his staffe
Twill make an old man leave his staff.
and dance a youthfull measure:
and dance a youthful rhythm:
And though your clothes be nere so bad,
And even if your clothes are really bad,
all ragged, rent, and torne,
all tattered and torn,
Against the Cold you may be clad
Against the cold, you can wear layers.
with the little Barly Corne.
with the small Barly Corn.
Twill make a Coward not to shrinke,
Twill make a coward not to shrink,
but be as stout as may be,
but be as strong as you can be,
Twill make a man that he shall thinke.
It will make a man that he will think.
that Jone's as good as my Lady:
that Jone's as good as my Lady:
It will inrich the palest face,
It will enrich the palest face,
and with Rubies it adorne,
and adorned with Rubies,
Yet you shall thinke it no disgrace,
Yet you should not think of it as a disgrace,
this little Barly Corne.
this little Barley Corn.
Twill make your Gossips merry,
It'll make your gossip fun,
when they their liquor see,
when they see their drink,
Hey, we shall nere be weary,
Hey, we will never be tired,
sweet Gossip, here's to thee:
sweet gossip, cheers to you:
Twill make the Country Yeoman
Will make the Country Yeoman
the Courtier for to scorne,
the Courtier to mock,
And talk of Law suits ore a Can,
And talk of lawsuits or a can,
with this little Barly Corne.
with this little Barley Corn.
It makes a man that write cannot
It makes a man that can’t write.
to make you large Indentures,
to create large contracts,
When as he reeleth home at night,
When he stumbles home at night,
upon the watch he ventures:
on the watch he takes:
He cares not for the Candle light
He doesn’t care about the candlelight.
that shineth in the horne,
that shines in the horn,
Yet he will stumble the way aright,
Yet he will find the right path,
this little Barly-Corne.
this little Barleycorn.
Twill make a Miser prodigall,
It will make a miser extravagant,
and shew himselfe kind hearted
and show himself kind-hearted
Twill make him never grieve at all,
It will make him never feel sad at all,
that from his Coyne hath parted:
that from his Coin has parted:
Twill make a Shepheard to mistake
It'll confuse a shepherd.
his Sheepe before a storme:
his Sheep before a storm:
Twill make the Poet to excell,
It will make the poet excel,
this little Barly-Corne.
this little Barleycorn.
It will make young Lads to call
It will make young guys call
most freely for their Liquor,
most freely for their drinks,
Twill make a young Lass take a fall,
Twill make a young girl stumble,
and rise againe the quicker:
and rise again faster:
Twill make a man that he
Twill make a man that he
shall sleepe all night profoundly,
will sleep soundly all night,
And make a man what ere he be
And make a man whatever he is
goe about his businesse roundly.
go about his business confidently.
Thus the Barly-Corne hath power
Thus the Barley Corn has power
even for to change our nature,
even to change who we are,
And make a Shrew within an houre,
And make a Shrew within an hour,
prove a kind-hearted creature:
prove a kind-hearted being:
And therefore here I say againe
And so, I say it again
let no man tak't in scorne,
let no man take it in scorn,
That I the vertues doe proclaim
That I declare the virtues
of the little Barly-Corne.
of the little Barly-Corn.
Printed in London for E. B.
Printed in London for E. B.
74 ?Sneak.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ ? Sneak.
75 William Evans, a Welshman in the service of Charles I. He was 7 ft. 6 in. high and at a masque at Whitehall drew Sir Jeffrey Hudson out of his pocket. There used to be a bas-relief over Bull's Head Court in Newgate Street, of "The King's Porter and Dwarf."
75 William Evans, a Welshman who served Charles I. He was 7 feet 6 inches tall and at a masquerade at Whitehall, he pulled Sir Jeffrey Hudson out of his pocket. There used to be a bas-relief over Bull's Head Court in Newgate Street, depicting "The King's Porter and Dwarf."
76 Dr. John Lambe was an impostor who early in the 17th century practised fortune-telling, juggling, showing a magic crystal, and recovering stolen goods. He was indicted at Worcester for witchcraft, after which he removed to London, where he got into trouble, and he was finally pelted to death by an infuriated mob on 13th June 1628. There is a very rare pamphlet on this subject—"A brief description of the notorious life of John Lambe, otherwise called Dr. Lambe, together with his ignominious death, with a wood-cut of the populace pelting him to death in the City of London." 4o 1628.
76 Dr. John Lambe was a con artist who, in the early 17th century, practiced fortune-telling, juggling, showcased a magic crystal, and claimed to recover stolen items. He was charged with witchcraft in Worcester, after which he moved to London, where he got into trouble and was ultimately killed by a furious mob on June 13, 1628. There is a very rare pamphlet on this topic—"A brief description of the notorious life of John Lambe, also known as Dr. Lambe, along with his disgraceful death, featuring an illustration of the crowd throwing things at him to death in the City of London." 4o 1628.
77 Banks was a Scotchman, and his performing horse had the rare honour of being alluded to by Shakspeare ("Love's Labour's Lost" Act i. s. 2). Moth says to Armado. "Why Sir, is this such a piece of study? Now here's three studied, ere you'll thrice wink; and how easy it is to put years to the word three, and study three years in two words, the dancing horse will tell you." The horse was certainly wonderfully trained, and is spoken of in Tarlton's Jests, as having picked him out as being the biggest fool in the company. His tricks were marvellous, but perhaps his most noted feat was riding up the steeple of St. Paul's in the year 1600. This feat is mentioned in the following books. Decker's Dead-Tearme—Owle's Almanack, 1618—The Meeting of Gallants at an Ordinarie, or the Walkes in Powles, 1604—The Blacke Booke, 1604—Northward Hoe, 1607—Rowley's Search for Money, 1609—Decker's Gul's Horn-book, 1609—and His Jests to make you merie, 1607. The horse afterwards went a continental trip, where he excited great wonder, and his high training was put down to witchcraft. Indeed a rumour was spread about that both he and his master were burnt for sorcery; but this was not so, for in Charles I.'s reign mention is more than once made of Banks being a vintner in Cheapside. The horse's name was Marocco, and there was a very curious book printed in 1595, called "Maroccus extaticus or Bankes Bay Horse in a Trance," etc.
77 Banks was a Scotsman, and his performing horse had the rare honor of being mentioned by Shakespeare ("Love's Labour's Lost" Act I, scene 2). Moth says to Armado, "Why, sir, is this such a big deal? Here are three studied, before you'll even blink thrice; and how easy it is to stretch the word three for years and study three years in two words, the dancing horse will tell you." The horse was definitely incredibly trained and is talked about in Tarlton's Jests as having picked out Banks as the biggest fool in the group. His tricks were amazing, but maybe his most famous stunt was riding up the steeple of St. Paul's in the year 1600. This feat is mentioned in the following books: Decker's Dead-Tearme—Owle's Almanack, 1618—The Meeting of Gallants at an Ordinarie, or the Walkes in Powles, 1604—The Blacke Booke, 1604—Northward Hoe, 1607—Rowley's Search for Money, 1609—Decker's Gul's Horn-book, 1609—and His Jests to make you merie, 1607. The horse later took a trip to the continent, where he amazed everyone, and his high level of training was attributed to witchcraft. There was even a rumor that both he and his master were burned for sorcery; however, that wasn't true, as during the reign of Charles I, there were multiple mentions of Banks being a vintner in Cheapside. The horse's name was Marocco, and there was a very interesting book published in 1595 called "Maroccus extaticus or Bankes Bay Horse in a Trance," etc.
The Tanner and the Butcher's dogge.
[52.] A Country Tanner that was runing hastily through Eastcheape and having a long Pike-Staffe on his shoulder, [pg 129] one of the Butchers dogs caught him by the breech. The fellow got loose, and ranne his pike into the Dogs throat, and killed him. The Butcher seeing that his Dog was kill'd tooke hold of the Tanner, and carried him before the Deputy, who asked him, What reason he had to kill the dogge? For mine owne defence (quoth the Tanner). Why, quoth the Deputy, hast thou no other defence but present death? Sir, quoth the Tanner, London fashions are not like the Countries, for here the stones are fast in the streets, and the Dogs are loose, but in the Country, the dogs are fast tied, and the stones are loose to throw at them; and what should a man do in this extremity, but use his staffe for his own defence? Marry (quoth the Deputy) if a man will needs use his staffe, he might use his blunt end, and not the sharp pike. True, Master Deputy, quoth the Tanner, but you must consider, if the Dog had used his blunt end, and runne his taile at me, then had there good reason for me to do the like; but I vow Master Deputy, the Dogge came sharpe at me, and fastned his teeth in my breech, and I again ranne sharp at him, and thrust my pike into his belly. By my faith a crafty knave, quoth the Deputy, if you will both stand to my verdict, send for a quart of wine, be friends, and so you are both discharged.
[52.] A country tanner was running quickly through Eastcheap with a long pike staff over his shoulder. [pg 129] One of the butcher's dogs bit him on the backside. The guy managed to get free and thrust his pike into the dog's throat, killing it. The butcher, seeing that his dog was dead, grabbed the tanner and brought him before the Deputy, who asked him why he killed the dog. "It was self-defense," the tanner replied. "Well," said the Deputy, "isn't that a rather extreme defense?" The tanner explained, "London is different from the countryside; here the stones are stuck in the streets and the dogs are loose, while in the country, the dogs are tied up and the stones are available to throw at them. So what’s a man supposed to do in this situation but defend himself with his staff?" The Deputy responded, "If a man insists on using his staff, he could use the blunt end instead of the sharp pike." "That's true, Master Deputy," said the tanner, "but consider this: if the dog had used its blunt end and wagged its tail at me, then I'd have reason to do the same. But I swear, Master Deputy, that dog came at me with sharp teeth, and I had to respond in kind by thrusting my pike into his belly." "By my faith, you're quite a clever fellow," the Deputy remarked. "If you'll both agree to my ruling, let's get a quart of wine, make up, and then you're both free to go."
Cede majoribus.
[5.]I took the wall, one rudely thrust me by,
[5.]I stepped aside to let someone pass, who shoved me roughly.
And told me the high way did open lye,
And told me the highway was open,
I thankt him that he would mee so much grace,
I thanked him for showing me so much grace,
To take the worse and leave the better place.
To choose the bad option and leave the good one.
For if by owners we esteem of things
For if we value things based on their owners
The wall's the subject's, but the way the King's.
The wall belongs to the subject, but it’s all about the King’s way.
[32.] What is the most profitable beast, and that men eat least on? Solution. It is a Bee, for it maketh both hony and wax, and yet costeth his master nothing the keeping.
[32.] What is the most profitable animal that people eat the least? Answer. It’s a bee, because it produces both honey and wax, and it doesn’t cost the owner anything to keep.
He was so fat, one said
He was so overweight, one said
That his Grave was three foot o're;
That his grave was three feet wide;
Why, you talk like a Fool,
Why, you sound like a fool,
'Tis but a Button-hole
It's just a buttonhole.
To Graves I have made before.
To Graves I have made before.
Purecraft. Now the blaze of the beauteous discipline, fright away this evill from our house! how now Win the fight, Child: how do you? Sweet child, speake to me.
Purecraft. Now the brilliance of this beautiful discipline drives away this evil from our home! So tell me, Win the fight, Child: how are you? Sweet child, speak to me.
Win. Yes forsooth.
Win. Yes, indeed.
Pure. Looke up, sweet Win the fight, and suffer not the enemy to enter you at this doore, remember that your education has bin with the purest; what polluted one was it, that nam'd first the uncleane beast, Pigge, to you, Child?
Clean. Look up, sweet Win the fight, and don't let the enemy come through this door. Remember that you were raised with the purest values; which corrupt person was it that first referred to the unclean animal, Pig, to you, Child?
Win. Uh, uh.
Win. Uh, uh.
John. Not I, o' my sincerity, mother; she long'd above three houres, ere she would let me know it; who was it Win?
John. Not me, I swear it, Mom; she waited over three hours before she’d let me know; who was it, Win?
Win. A prophane blacke thing with a beard, John.
Victory. A filthy black thing with a beard, John.
Pure. O! resist it, Win the fight, it is the Tempter, the wicked Tempter, you may know it by the fleshly motion of Pig; be strong against it, and its foule temptations, in these assaults, whereby it broacheth flesh and blood, as it were, on the weaker side, and pray against its carnall provocations, good child, sweet child, pray.
Genuine. O! resist it, Win the fight, it is the Tempter, the wicked Tempter. You can recognize it by the physical desires of the flesh; be strong against it and its vile temptations. In these attacks, it targets flesh and blood, especially the weaker side, so pray against its carnal urges, good child, sweet child, pray.
John. Good mother, I pray you, that she may eate some Pigge, and her bellyfull too; and doe not you cast away your owne child, and perhaps one of mine, with your tale of the Tempter: how doe you, Win? Are you not sicke?
John. Good mother, I ask you to let her eat some pig, and enough to be full; and please don't discard your own child, and maybe one of mine, with your story about the Tempter: how are you, Win? Are you not feeling well?
Win. Yes, a great deale John (uh, uh).
Win. Yes, a lot John (uh, uh).
Pure. What shall we doe? call our zealous brother Busy hither, for his faithfull fortification in this charge of the adversary; childe, my dear childe, you shall eate Pigge; be comforted, my sweet childe.
Pure. What should we do? Let’s call our eager brother Busy over here for his faithful support in this fight against the enemy; child, my dear child, you shall eat pig; be comforted, my sweet child.
Win. I,79 but i' the Fayre, mother.
Pure. I meane i' the Fayre, if it can be any way made, or found lawfull; where is our brother Busy? Will hee not come? looke up, Child.
Clean. I mean in the Fair, if it can be made or found to be lawful; where is our brother Busy? Won't he come? Look up, Child.
John. Presently, mother, as soone as he has cleans'd his beard. I found him fast by the teeth, i' the cold Turkey pye, i' th' cupbord, with a great white loafe on his left hand, and a glasse of Malmesey on his right.
John. Right now, mom, as soon as he’s cleaned his beard. I found him stuck by the teeth, in the cold turkey pie, in the cupboard, with a big white loaf in his left hand and a glass of Malmesey in his right.
Pure. Slander not the Brethren wicked one.
Pure. Do not slander the Brethren, wicked one.
John. Here hee is, now, purified, Mother.
John. Here he is now, all cleaned up, Mom.
Pure. O brother Busy! your helpe heere to edifie, and raise us up in a Scruple, my daughter Win the fight is visited with a naturall disease of women; call'd A longing to eate Pigge.
Clean. O brother Busy! We need your help here to build us up in a concern; my daughter Win the fight is struggling with a natural condition that women have, called a craving for pig.
John. I, Sir, a Bartholomew80 pigge; and in the Fayre.
John. I, Sir, a Bartholomew80 pig; and at the Fair.
Pure. And I would be satisfied from you, Religiously-wise, whether a widdow of the sanctified assembly, or a widdowes daughter, may commit the act, without offence to the weaker sisters.
Unfiltered. And I'd like to know from you, in a religious sense, whether a widow from the holy community, or her daughter, can engage in the act without offending the more vulnerable sisters.
Busy. Verily, for the disease of longing, it is a disease, a carnall disease, or appetite, incident to women: and as it is carnall, and incident, it is naturall, very naturall: Now Pigge, it is a meat, and a meat that is nourishing, and may be long'd for, and so consequently eaten; it may be eaten; very exceeding well eaten; but in the Fayre, and as a Bartholomew-pig it can not be eaten, for the very calling it a Bartholomew-pigge, and to eate it so, is a spice of Idolatry, and you make the Fayre no better than one of the high Places. This, I take it is the state of the question. A high place.
Occupied. Verily, for the disease of longing, it is a disease, a physical desire, or craving, that women experience: and since it’s physical and recurring, it’s natural, very natural: Now Pigge, it is food, and a food that is nourishing, and can be longed for, and therefore eaten; it can be eaten; very well eaten; but at the Fayre, and as a Bartholomew pig, it cannot be eaten, because simply calling it a Bartholomew pig and eating it that way is a hint of Idolatry, and you make the Fayre no better than one of the high Places. This, I believe, is the core of the issue. A high place.
John. I, but in a state of necessity, Place should give place Mr Busy. (I have a conceit left, yet)
John I, being in need, Place should make way for Mr Busy. (I still have a bit of pride left, though)
Pure. Good brother Zeale of the land, thinke to make it as lawfull as you can.
Clean. Good brother Zeale of the land, try to make it as legal as possible.
John. Yes, Sir, and as soone as you can; for it must be, Sir; you see the danger my little wife is in Sir.
John. Yes, Sir, and as soon as you can; because it’s necessary, Sir; you see the danger my little wife is in, Sir.
Pure. Truely, I doe love my child dearely, and I would not have her miscarry or hazard her first fruites if it might be otherwise.
Clean. Truly, I do love my child dearly, and I would not have her suffer or risk her first fruits if there were any other way.
Busy. Surely, it may be otherwise, but it is subject to construction, subject, and hath a face of offence, with the weake, a great face, a foule face, but that face may have a vaile put over it and be shaddowed, as it were, it may be eaten, and in the Fayre, I take it, in a Booth, the tents of the wicked: the place is not much, not very much, we may be religious in midst of the prophane, so it be eaten with a reformed mouth, with Sobriety, and humblenesse; not gorg'd in with gluttony, or greedinesse; there's the feare: for should she goe there, as taking pride in the place, or delight in the uncleane dressing, to feed the vanity of the eye, or the lust of the palat, it were not well, it were not fit, it were abominable, and not good.
Occupied. Surely, it might be different, but it is open to interpretation, it has a face that can be offensive to the weak, a significant and disgusting face. However, that face can be covered with a veil and hidden, as it were; it can be consumed, and at the Fair, I suppose, in a booth, the tents of the wicked: the place isn't much, not very significant. We can be religious in the midst of the profane, as long as we consume with a reformed mouth, with Sobriety and humility; not indulging in gluttony or greed; that's the concern. For if she were to go there, taking pride in the place, or finding pleasure in the unclean attire, to feed the vanity of her eyes or the desires of her palate, it would not be right, it would be inappropriate, it would be shameful, and not good.
John. Nay, I knew that afore, and told her on't, but courage, Win, we'll be humble enough; we'll seek out the homeliest Booth i' the Fayre, that's certaine; rather than faile, wee'll eate it o' the ground.
John. No, I already knew that and told her. But come on, Win, let’s be humble; we’ll look for the simplest booth at the Fayre, that’s for sure. If it comes to it, we’ll eat it off the ground.
......
.
Busy. In the way of comfort to the weake, I will goe, and eat. I will eate exceedingly, and prophesie; there may be a good use made of it, too, now I thinke on't; by the publike eating of Swines flesh, to professe our hate, and loathing of Iudaisme, whereof the brethren stand taxed; I will therefore eate, yea, I will eate exceedingly.
Swamped. In the name of providing comfort to the weak, I'll go and eat. I’m going to eat a lot and speak my mind; actually, I think there could be a good reason for it. By publicly eating pork, we can express our disdain and rejection of Judaism, which the others are criticized for; so, I will eat, yes, I will eat a lot.
78 A synonym for a Puritan, as Butler says in Hudibras—
78 A synonym for a Puritan, as Butler mentions in Hudibras—
"Through Banbury I passed, O profane one,
"Through Banbury I passed, O profane one,
And there I saw a Puritane one
And there I saw a Puritan.
Hanging of his Cat on Monday
Hanging of his Cat on Monday
For killing of a Rat on Sunday."
For killing a rat on Sunday.
80 It was the proper thing to eat roast sucking pig at Bartholomew fair.
80 Eating roast suckling pig at Bartholomew Fair was the right thing to do.
Why women weare a fall.
[12.]A Gentleman did say
A gentleman said
On the last Twelf-day,
On the last Twelfth Night,
That Cheese digests ev'ry thing;
That cheese digests everything;
Y'are dispos'd to jest,
You're in the mood to joke,
And will ne're be at rest,
And will never be at rest,
But at all will have a fling.
But at the end of the day, everyone will have a fling.
I'le say't o're agen
I'll say it over again
Nay, before any Men,
No, before any men,
That it causes a good digestion;
It aids in good digestion;
You'l jest on still,
You'll joke on still,
Let me say what I will,
Let me say what I want,
Though you ne're are askt the Question.
Though you never are asked the question.
81 Pillow case.
Pillowcase.
[17.] Two Widdows sitting by the fire, were chatting together of their dead Husbands; and one said, come, let us have another candle, for my poor Husband lov'd light, God send him Light ever lasting; and says the other; My poor Husband lov'd a good fire, I wish him Fire everlasting.
[17.] Two widows sitting by the fire were chatting about their late husbands. One said, "Come on, let's get another candle because my poor husband loved light. May he have everlasting light." The other replied, "My poor husband loved a good fire. I wish him everlasting fire."
[26.] A Young Country Fellow went a Wooing to a Country Lass, and he had on then a speck and Span new Suit with Silver Buttons also; and in all his Discourse with her, he used all the Art he could, to have her take notice of his Buttons; at last when he saw she would take no Notice of them at all: Well, says he, these Silver Buttons keep me so warm: Yes, says she, you had best lie in them all night, lest you should take cold this frosty weather.
[26.] A young country guy went courting a country girl, and he was wearing a brand new suit with silver buttons. Throughout their conversation, he did everything he could to get her to notice his buttons. Finally, when he saw she wasn’t paying them any attention at all, he said, Well, these silver buttons keep me so warm. Yes, she replied, you might as well sleep in them all night so you don't catch a cold in this chilly weather.
The poore man payes for all.
This is but a dreame which here shall insue,
This is just a dream that will follow here,
But the Author wishes his words were not true.
But the author wishes his words weren't true.
To the Tune of In slumbring sleepe I lay.
To the Tune of In slumbring sleepe I lay.
upon my resting bed,
on my bed,
Full many a cogitation
Many thoughts
did come into my head:
came to my mind:
And waking from my sleepe, I
And waking from my sleep, I
my dreame to mind did call,
my dream reminded me,
Methought I saw before mine eyes,
Methought I saw before my eyes,
how poore men payes for all.
how poor men pay for everything.
I many objects did behold,
I saw many objects.
in this my frightfull Dreame,
in this terrifying dream,
A part of them I will unfold;
A part of them I will reveal;
and though my present Theame
and though my current theme
Is but a fancy you may say,
Is just a fantasy, you might say,
yet many things doe fall
yet many things do happen
Too true alas; for at this day
Sadly, that’s true today.
the poore man payes for all.
the poor man pays for everything.
Methought I saw (which caused my care)
Methought I saw (which caused my worry)
what I wish were a fable,
what I wish was a fable,
That poore men still inforced are
That poor men are still forced
to pay more than they are able;
to pay more than they can afford;
Me thought I heard them weeping say,
Me thought I heard them weeping say,
their substance was but small,
they had little substance,
For rich men will beare all the sway,
For wealthy people will have all the power,
and poore men pay for all.
and poor people pay for everything.
Me thought I saw how wealthy men
Me thought I saw how wealthy men
did grind the poore mens faces,
did grind the poor men's faces,
And greedily did prey on them,
And they preyed on them greedily,
not pittying their cases:
not pitying their situations:
They make them toyle and labour sore,
They make them toil and work hard,
for wages too too small:
for wages that are too low:
The rich men in the Tavernes rore,
The rich men in the Tavernes roar,
but poore men pay for all.
but poor people pay for everything.
Methought I saw an Usurer old
Methought I saw an old loan shark
walke in his Fox-fur'd gowne,
walk in his fox-fur gown,
Whose wealth and eminence control'd
Whose wealth and status controlled
the most men in the Towne:
the majority of men in the town:
His wealth he by extortion got,
He got his wealth from extortion.
and rose by others fall,
and rose by others' downfall,
He had what his hands earned not,
He had what his hands didn’t earn,
but poor men pay for all.
but poor people pay for everything.
Me thought I saw a Courtier proud,
Me thought I saw a proud Courtier,
goe swaggering along,
strutting along,
That unto any scarce allow'd
That to any rarely allowed
the office of his tongue:
his speaking skills
Me thought wert not for bribery,
Me thought you weren't for bribery,
his Peacocks plumes would fall,
his peacock feathers would fall,
He ruffles out in bravery,
He steps out with bravery,
but poor men pay for all.
but poor people pay for everything.
Me thought I met (sore discontent)
Me thought I met (sore discontent)
some poore men on the way,
some poor men on the way,
I asked one whither he went,
I asked someone where he was going,
so fast, and could not stay?
so fast, and couldn’t keep up?
Quoth he, I must go take my Lease,
Quoth he, I need to go get my lease,
or else another shall,
or someone else will,
My Landlords riches doe increase,
My landlord's wealth is growing,
but poore men pay for all.
but poor people pay for everything.
Me thought I saw most stately wives
Me thought I saw most stately wives
go jetting82 on the way,
That live delightfull idle lives,
That live delightful, carefree lives,
and go in garments gay:
and wear cheerful clothes:
That with the men their shapes doe change,
That with the men their shapes do change,
or else they'l chide and brawle,
or else they'll criticize and argue,
Thus women goe like monsters strange,
Thus women go like strange monsters,
but poore men pay for all.
but poor people pay for everything.
Me thought I was i' th' countrey
Me thought I was in the country
where poore men take great paines,
where poor people work really hard,
And labour hard continually,
And work hard constantly,
onely for rich mens gaines:
only for wealthy men's games:
Like th' Israelites in Egypt,
Like the Israelites in Egypt,
the poore are kept in thrall,
the poor are kept in bondage,
The task-masters are playing kept,
The taskmasters are playing kept,
but poore men pay for all.
but poor people pay for everything.
Me thought I saw poore Tradesmen
Me thought I saw poor Tradesmen
i' th' City and else where,
in the City and beyond,
Whom rich men keepe as beads-men,
Whom rich men keep as servants,
in bondage, care, and feare:
in bondage, care, and fear:
Thei'l have them worke for what they list,
They'll have them work for whatever they want,
thus weakest goe to the wall,
thus the weakest go to the wall,
The rich men eate and drinke the best
The rich eat and drink the best.
but poore men pay for all.
but poor people pay for everything.
Me thought I saw two Lawyers base
Me thought I saw two shady lawyers.
one to another say,
tell each other,
We have had in hand this poore mans Case,
We have had this poor man's case in hand,
a twelvemonth and a day;
a year and a day;
And yet wee'l not contented be
And yet we won't be satisfied
to let the matter fall,
to drop the issue,
Beare thou with me, & Ile beare with thee
Bear with me, and I'll bear with you.
while poore men pay for all.
while poor people pay for everything.
Me thought I saw a red-nose Oast,
Me thought I saw a red-nose Oast,
as fat as he could wallow,
as fat as he could get,
Whose carkasse, if it should be roast,
Whose carcass, if it were to be roasted,
would drop seven stone of tallow:
would drop seven stones of tallow:
He grows rich out of measure,
He becomes super rich,
with filling measure small,
with small filling measure,
He lives in mirth and pleasure,
He lives in joy and happiness,
but poore men pay for all.
but poor people pay for everything.
And so likewise the Brewer stout,
And so, similarly, the Brewer stout,
the Chandler and the Baker,
the Chandler and the Baker,
The Mault man also without doubt,
The Mault man also without a doubt,
and the Tobacco taker,
and the Tobacco user,
Though they be proud and stately growne,
Though they are proud and have grown majestic,
and beare themselves so tall,
and carry themselves so tall,
Yet to the world it is well knowne,
Yet to the world, it is well known,
that poore men pay for all.
that poor people pay for everything.
Even as the mighty fishes still,
Even as the mighty fish lie still,
doe feed upon the lesse;
doe feed on the less;
So rich men, might they have ther will
So rich men, if they have their will
It is a proverbe old and true,
It is a well-known and true proverb,
that weakest goe to th' wall,
that weakest go to the wall,
Rich men can drinke till th' sky looke blue,
Rich men can drink until the sky looks blue,
but poore men pay for all.
but poor people end up paying for everything.
But now, as I before did say,
But now, as I mentioned earlier,
this is but a Dreame indeed,
this is just a dream indeed,
Though all dreames prove not true, some may
Though not all dreams come true, some might.
hap right, as I doe reade.
hap right, as I do read.
And if that any come to passe,
And if that happens,
I doubt this my Dreame shall;
I doubt this dream of mine will;
For still tis found too true a case,
For it is still found to be too true,
that poore men pay for all.
that poor people pay for everything.
FINIS.
FINIS.
Printed at London for H. G.
Printed in London for H. G.
82 Strutting.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Strutting.
83 Seize.
Seize it.
A Witty answer of a Countrey fellow.
[52.] A Country fellow walking London Streets, and gazing up and down at every sight he saw, some mockt him, others pulled him by the Cloake, in so much he could not passe in quiet. He having as much wit, as the boyes knavery, thought hee would requite them for their kinde salutations, with something to laugh at, and to try their wits; and, comming to Paul's gate, where they sell pinnes and Needles, the boyes being very saucie, pulled him by the cloake, and one said. What lacke you friend? another, What lacke you Countryman? Quoth the fellow, minding to make himself some sport, I want a hood for a Humble Bee, or a payre of Spectacles for a blinde Beare: which so amazed the boy, that he had nothing to reply, and the Countrey Man went laughing away.
[52.] A country guy walking the streets of London, looking around at everything he saw. Some made fun of him, while others tugged at his cloak, so he couldn’t pass by in peace. With as much cleverness as the boys had mischief, he thought he’d get back at them for their friendly jabs with something to laugh at and challenge their wits. When he got to Paul's gate, where they sell pins and needles, the boys, being very cheeky, pulled at his cloak, and one said, "What do you need, friend?" Another added, "What do you need, countryman?" The fellow, wanting to have some fun, replied, "I want a hood for a humble bee, or a pair of glasses for a blind bear," which left the boy so stunned that he had nothing to say, and the country man walked away laughing.
[32.] What is that which 20 will goe into a Tankard, and one will fill a Barn?
[32.] What is it that can fit in a tankard and also fill a barn?
Solution. It is 20 Candles not lighted and one lighted.
Solution. There are 20 unlit candles and one lit candle.
[51.]A Sort of Clownes for loss which they sustain'd
[51.]A Type of Clowns for the losses they endured
By Souldiers, to the Captaine sore complain'd,
By soldiers, to the captain, they complained bitterly,
With dolefull wordes, and very woefull faces,
With sorrowful words and very sad faces,
They Moov'd him to compassionate their Cases.
They moved him to feel sympathetic towards their situations.
Good Sir (sayes one) I pray redress our wrong,
Good sir, someone says, please make things right for us.
They that have done it, unto you belong;
They who have done it belong to you;
Of all that eare we had we are bereft,
Of all the harvest we had, we are left empty.
Except our very Shirts, theres nothing left.
Except for our shirts, there’s nothing left.
The Captaine answer'd thus; Fellowes heare mee:
The captain replied, "Listen to me, everyone:"
My Souldiers rob'd you not, I plainely see:
My soldiers didn't rob you, I can see that clearly:
At your first speech, you made me somewhat sad,
At your first speech, you made me feel a little sad,
But your last wordes resolv'd the doubt I had.
But your last words resolved the doubt I had.
For they which rifled you left Shirts (you say)
For those who robbed you left shirts (you say)
And I am sure mine carry all away:
And I'm sure mine take everything away:
By this I know an errour you are in,
By this, I know you're making a mistake,
My Souldiers would have left you but your skin.
My soldiers would have left you with nothing but your skin.
[4.] A brisk young Lady, seeing the Sheriff of a County who was a comely young Man, wait upon the Judge who was an old Man, was asked by one, which she had most mind to, the Judge or the Sheriff? She answered, the Sheriff. He asking the reason, she replied, That she loved Judgement well, but Execution much better.
[4.] A lively young woman, noticing the Sheriff of a County, who was an attractive young man, standing by the Judge, an elderly man, was asked by someone which one she preferred, the Judge or the Sheriff? She responded, the Sheriff. When he inquired why, she replied, That she liked Judgment a lot, but Execution even more.
Says his Friend, I fear
Says his friend, I'm worried
That you have a Worm in your Head;
That you have a worm in your head;
Why de'e praise dead Beer?
Why praise dead Beer?
So must you too I swear,
So must you too, I swear,
We must all speak well of the dead.
We should all speak kindly of those who have passed away.
[52.] It chanced, on a Bartholomew-day, when men keep Boothes in Smithfield, a Countrey Gentleman having some Store of money (and no lesse honesty) about him, comming to the Faire, would, amongst the rest needes view the pictures at that time hanging in the Cloysters, where was then much variety of postures, personages, stories, landskips, and such like, which carieth away the Senses, to a kinde of admiration for the present: and as he was thus gazing up and down, there comes a nimble diver (as at that time there resorts many) and closes with him, and quickly draws his purse forth of his pocket, and away he hies him presently: the Gentleman mist his purse, but knew not how to helpe himselfe. Going home to his lodging, and pondering in his minde how either to regain his losses, or to be revenged on the Pick-pocket, at length he bethought himself of this device: he caused an honest Taylor to sew a certain number of Fish hookes within, and round about the mouth of his pocket; with the poynts of the hookes hanging downward, and the next day hies him to [pg 140] the same place, in another Countrey like habit, and baites his Pocket with more money, and there he stood gazing againe at the pictures, presently his former fish (or one of his fraternity) closes with him again, and dives, which the Gentleman being watchfull of, gives a slip aside and had presently strucke the nibling fish into the hand, and feeling him fast, begins to goe away, and the more he hastes away, the deeper the hookes went into the Divers hand, Oh, (quoth the Pick-pocket) how now Sir (quoth the Gentleman) what makes your hand in my Pocket? Pull it out I say: Oh Sir (quoth he) I beseech you be good to me: The people gathering together, imagined the Gentleman had an inchanted Pocket, and that the fellow had not power to pull forth his hand again, they would have him before the Justice. No (quoth the Gentleman) Ile carry him myselfe, so away he went (with the fellowes hand in his Pocket) to a Taverne, with two or three of his friends, and told him what he had lost there the day before, and unlesse he would restore it, he would have him before a Justice: which match the fellow for feare of hanging, willingly condescended to surrender. And that ten pound, and ten shillings more towards the mending of his Pocket: so the Gentleman being well satisfied, ript forth his pocket, and away went the Cutpurse, who had so much picking worke to get out of his hands, he could not use his trade for a Moneth after.
[52.] It happened, on a Bartholomew's Day, when people set up booths in Smithfield, that a country gentleman, carrying some cash (and plenty of honesty) with him, came to the fair. Among the many attractions, he wanted to check out the paintings hanging in the cloisters, which featured a variety of poses, characters, stories, landscapes, and similar sights that captured the senses in a kind of admiration for the moment. While he was looking around, a quick pickpocket (as was common at the time) came up to him, swiftly pulled his purse from his pocket, and took off. The gentleman noticed he was missing his purse but didn’t know how to fix the situation. On his way home, he contemplated how to either recover his losses or take revenge on the pickpocket. Eventually, he came up with a plan: he had a trustworthy tailor sew a number of fish hooks inside and around the opening of his pocket, with the points hanging down. The next day, he dressed in a similar outfit and returned to the same spot, baiting his pocket with more money. He stood there admiring the paintings again when his former thief (or one of his kind) approached him once more and attempted to dive into his pocket. The gentleman, keeping a close watch, stepped aside and caught the pickpocket's hand with the hooks. Feeling trapped, the pickpocket tried to pull away, but the more he struggled, the more the hooks dug into his hand. "Oh," said the pickpocket, "what's going on here, sir?" The gentleman replied, "What’s your hand doing in my pocket? Pull it out, I say!" "Oh, sir," the pickpocket pleaded, "please have mercy on me!" As people gathered around, they thought the gentleman had an enchanted pocket and that the thief couldn’t pull his hand out. They insisted on taking him to a magistrate. "No," said the gentleman, "I’ll handle him myself." So, he took the pickpocket (still with his hand stuck in his pocket) to a tavern with a few of his friends and explained what he had lost the day before. He warned the thief that unless he returned his money, he would take him to a magistrate. Fearing punishment, the thief willingly agreed to give back the ten pounds plus another ten shillings for the trouble he caused. Satisfied, the gentleman ripped open his pocket, and the pickpocket left, struggling so much to free his hand that he couldn’t pick pockets for a month afterward.
[32.] I came to a tree where were apples, I eat no apples, I gave away no apples, nor I left no apples behind me: and yet I eat, gave away, and left behind me. Solution. There were three apples on the tree, for I eat one apple, gave away one apple, and left one. So I eat no apples, for I eat but one apple, which is no apples, and thus I gave away no apples, for I gave but one, and thus I left no apples for I left but one.
[32.] I came to a tree with apples. I didn't eat any apples, I didn't give any apples away, nor did I leave any apples behind me: and yet I ate, gave away, and left behind me. Solution. There were three apples on the tree; I ate one apple, gave away one apple, and left one. So I didn't eat any apples because I only ate one apple, which counts as no apples, and therefore I didn't give away any apples since I only gave one, and thus I left no apples because I only left one.
For summs of money, which he yet doth owe,
For sums of money that he still owes,
A client by the name of Clerk him Call'd,
A client named Clerk called him,
As he next day to Westminster did go.
As he went to Westminster the next day.
Which Crassus hearing, whispers thus in's eare,
Which Crassus hearing, whispers in his ear,
Sirrah, you now mistake, and much do erre,
Sir, you are mistaken and you are very wrong,
That henceforth must the name of Clerke forbear,
That from now on, the name of Clerke must be avoided,
And know I am become an Officer.
And know that I have become an Officer.
Alas (quoth he) I did not so much marke,
Alas, he said, I didn’t pay much attention,
Good Mr Officer, that are no clerke.
Good Mr. Officer, that's not a clerk.
[8.] When Sir Thomas Moore lived in the City of London, being one of the Justices of Peace, he used to go to the Sessions at New-gate, where it fell out that one of the ancientest Justices of the Bench was wont to chide the poor men whose purses had been cut, for not being more careful; telling them their negligence was the cause that so many cut-purses were brought thither, which when Sir Thomas Moore observed him so often to repeat at one time, especially; the night after, he sent for one of the chief Cut-purses that was in prison, and promised to save him harmless, and stand his friend too, if he would cut the aforesaid Justices Purse the next day as he sate on the Bench, and then presently make a sign of it to him: the fellow very gladly promiseth him to do it the next day; therefore, when they sate again, that Thief was called among the first, who, being accused of his fact, said he did not doubt but that he could sufficiently excuse himself, if he were permitted to speak to some of the Bench in private. He was therefore bid to chuse one who he would, and presently he chose that grave old man, who then had his pouch at his girdle, as they wore them in those dayes; and whilst he whispered him in the ear, he cunningly cut his purse, and then solemnly taking his leave, returns to his place. Sir Thomas knowing by a private sign, that the business was dispatcht, presently took occasion to move the Bench to distribute some alms to a poor needy fellow that was there, and for good example began himself to do it; when the old man came to open his purse, and sees it cut away, and, much wondering, said he was confident he brought it with him when he came thither that morning, Sir Thomas replied presently, What! will you charge any of us with felony? But his choler rising, and he being ashamed of the thing, Sir Thomas calls the Cut-purse and bids him give him his purse again, and withal advised the good old Justice hereafter Not to be so bitter a censurer of innocent mens negligence, when as himself could not secure his purse in that open assembly.
[8.] When Sir Thomas Moore lived in the City of London, being one of the Justices of the Peace, he would go to the Sessions at New-gate. It often happened that one of the oldest Justices on the Bench would reprimand the poor men whose pockets had been picked for not being more careful, telling them that their negligence was the reason so many pickpockets ended up there. One night, when Sir Thomas Moore noticed him repeating this behavior, he decided to take action. The next night, he summoned one of the main pickpockets who was in jail and promised to help him and keep him safe if he would pick the pocket of the aforementioned Justice the next day while he was sitting on the Bench and then make a sign to him. The guy agreed enthusiastically to do it the next day. So, when they gathered again, that thief was among the first called. When accused of his crime, he said he was confident he could justify himself if allowed to speak privately with someone on the Bench. He was told to choose anyone he wanted, and he picked that serious old man who had his purse at his waist, like everyone else at that time. While whispering in his ear, he cleverly cut the man’s purse and then formally took his leave to return to his spot. Sir Thomas had a private signal that the plan was successful, so he used the moment to suggest to the Bench that they give some charity to a poor needy person present, and he started by giving some himself. When the old man went to open his purse and saw it was gone, he was greatly puzzled, saying he was sure he had brought it with him that morning. Sir Thomas immediately replied, What! Are you accusing any of us of theft? But as the old man's frustration grew and he felt embarrassed, Sir Thomas called the pickpocket over and told him to return the purse. He then advised the good old Justice to not be so harsh in judging innocent people's carelessness when he couldn't even keep his own purse secure in such an open gathering.
A funny story about John Tomson and his wife Jakaman
Their jealousy was rightly the cause of all their conflict.
I liv'd a merry life,
I lived a happy life,
But now I am a married man,
But now I’m a married man,
and troubled with a wife,
and struggling with a wife,
I cannot doe as I have done,
I can't do what I've done before.
because I live in feare,
because I live in fear,
If I goe but to Islington,
If I go to Islington,
my wife is watching there
my wife is watching there
Give me my yellow Hose againe,
Give me my yellow hose again,
give me my yellow hose;
give me my yellow hose;
For now my wife she watcheth me,
For now, my wife is watching me,
see yonder where she goes.
look over there where she goes.
But when I was a prentice bound,
But when I was an apprentice,
and my Indentures made:
and my contracts made:
In many faults I have beene found
In many faults, I have been found
yet never thus afraid.
yet never this afraid.
For if I chance now by the way
For if I happen to come across you now on my way
a woman for to kisse,
a woman to kiss,
The rest are ready for to say
The rest are ready to speak
thy Wife shall know of this.
your wife will know about this.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose, etc.
Thus when I come in company
So, when I'm with people
I passe my mirth in feare,
I spend my joy in fear,
For one or other merrily,
For one or the other happily,
will say my wife is there.
will say my wife is there.
And then my look doth make them laugh,
And then my gaze makes them laugh,
to see my wofull case:
to see my awful case:
How I stand like John hold my staffe,
How I stand like John holding my staff,
and dare not shew my face.
and I dare not show my face.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose, etc.
There comes a handsome woman in,
There comes a beautiful woman in,
and shakes me by the hand:
and shakes my hand:
But how my wife she did begin,
But how my wife began,
now you shall understand.
now you will understand.
Faire dame (quoth she) why dost thou so?
Faire dame (quoth she) why are you doing that?
he gave his hand to me:
he offered his hand to me:
And thou shalt know before thou go,
And you will know before you go,
he is no man for thee.
he is not the right man for you.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose, etc.
Good wife (quoth she) now doe not scould,
Good wife (she said) now don't scold,
I will doe so no more;
I'm not doing that anymore;
I thought I might have beene so bolde
I thought I might have been so bold
I knowing him before.
I know him from before.
With that my wife was almost mad,
With that, my wife was nearly furious,
yet many did intreat her;
yet many did beg her;
And I, God knowes, was very sad,
And I, God knows, was really sad,
for feare she would have beat her.
for fear she would have hit her.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose, etc.
Thus marriage is an enterprise
Thus, marriage is a venture.
experience doth show;
experience shows;
But scolding is an exercise,
But scolding is a practice,
that married men doe know.
that married men do know.
For all this while there was no blowes,
For all this time, there were no blows,
yet still their tongues was talking;
yet still their tongues were talking;
And very fain would yellow hose
And very much would yellow stockings
have had her fists a walking.
have had her fists a walking.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose &c.
In comes a neighbour of our towne,
In comes a neighbor from our town,
an honest man, God wot:
an honest man, God knows:
And he must needes goe sit him downe,
And he has to go sit down,
and call in for his pot.
and call in for his drink.
And said to me, I am the man
And said to me, I am the guy
which gave to you your wife,
which gave you your partner,
And I will doe the best I can,
And I will do the best I can,
to mend this wicked life.
to fix this wicked life.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose, etc.
I gave him thankes, and bad him goe,
I thanked him and told him to go.
and so he did indeed,
and so he actually did,
And told my wife she was a shrow,
And told my wife she was a scold,
but that was more than need.
but that was more than needed.
Saith he, thou hast an honest man,
Saith he, you have an honest man,
and one that loves thee well;
and one who loves you well;
Said she, you are a foole, good sir,
Said she, you are a fool, good sir,
It's more than you can tell.
It's more than you can say.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose, etc.
And yet in truth he loveth me,
And yet in reality, he loves me,
but many more beside;
but many more as well;
And I may say, good Sir, to thee,
And I can say, good Sir, to you,
that I cannot abide,
that I can't stand,
For though he loves me as his life
For even though he loves me like his own life
yet now, sir, wot you what,
yet now, sir, do you know what,
They say he loves his neighbours wife,
They say he loves his neighbor's wife,
I pray you how like you that.
I ask you how you like that.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose, etc.
Saith he, I hope I never shall
Saith he, I hope I never will
seeke fancy fond to follow,
seek something fancy to follow,
For love is lawfull unto all
For love is lawful to all
except it be too yellow.
unless it's too yellow.
Which lyeth like the Jaundies so,
Which lies like jaundice like that,
in these our Women's faces;
in these women's faces;
That watch their husbands where they go
That watch their husbands wherever they go
and hunt them out in places.
and search for them in various locations.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose, etc.
Now comes my Neighbour's wife apace,
Now my neighbor's wife is coming quickly,
to talke a word or two,
to chat a bit,
My wife then meets her face to face,
My wife then meets her in person,
and saith, dame, is it you
and says, ma'am, is it you?
That makes so much of my good man,
That makes so much of my good guy,
as if he were your owne?
as if he were your own?
Then clamp as closely as you can,
Then squeeze as tightly as you can,
I know it will be known.
I know it will be known.
Give me my yellow hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose etc.
Now when I saw the woman gone,
Now that I saw the woman was gone,
I call'd my wife aside,
I called my wife over,
And said why art thou such a one,
And said, "Why are you like that?"
that thou canst not abide
that you cannot tolerate
A woman for to talke with mee,
A woman to talk with me,
this is a wofull case,
this is a terrible case,
That I must keepe no company
That I must keep no company
except you be in place.
unless you are present.
Give me my yellow hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose &c.
This maketh Batchelers to wooe
This makes bachelors want to woo.
so long before they wed,
long before they got married,
Because they heare that women now
Because they hear that women now
will be their husband's head.
will be their husband's boss.
And seven yeare long I tarried
And I waited for seven years.
for Jakaman my wife,
for Jakaman, my wife,
But now that I am married
But now that I'm hitched
I am weary of my life.
I am tired of my life.
Give me my yellow hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose, etc.
For yellow love is too, too bad,
For yellow love is really, really bad,
without all wit or policie,
without any wit or strategy,
And too much love hath made her mad,
And too much love has driven her crazy,
and fill'd her full of Jelousie.
and made her feel jealous.
She thinkes I am in love with those
She thinks I'm in love with those
I speake to passing by
I speak to passersby.
That makes her wear the yellow hose
That makes her wear the yellow tights.
I gave her for to dye.
I gave her some hair dye.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose, etc.
But now I see shee is so hot
But now I see she is so attractive.
and lives so much at ease,
and lives so well,
I will goe get a Souldiers coate,
I will go get a soldier's coat,
and sayle beyond the Seas;
and sail beyond the seas;
To serve my Captain where and whan,
To serve my Captain wherever and whenever,
though it be to my paine,
even though it hurts me,
Thus farewell gentle Jakaman,
So long, gentle Jakaman,
till we two meet againe.
until we meet again.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose, etc.
Quoth she, good husband, doe not deale
Quoth she, good husband, do not deal
thus hardly now with me,
so not really with me now,
And of a truth, I will reveale
And honestly, I will reveal
my cause of jealousie:
my reason for jealousy:
You know I alwaies paid the score,
You know I always paid the bill,
you put me still in trust,
you still believe in me,
I saved twenty pound and more,
I saved over twenty bucks,
confesse it needes I must.
I must confess it.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose, etc.
But now my saving of the same,
But now my saving of that,
for aught that I doe know;
for all I know
Made Jelousie to fire her frame,
Made Jealousy to ignite her passion,
to weave this web of woe:
to create this web of sorrow:
And thus this foolish love of mine
And so this silly love of mine
was very fondly bent,
was very fond,
But now my gold and goods are thine,
But now my gold and possessions are yours,
good husband, be content.
good husband, stay satisfied.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose, etc.
And thus to lead my life a new,
And so, to live my life in a new way,
I fully now purpose;
I fully intend now;
That thou maist change thy coat of blew,
That you may change your blue coat,
and I my yellow hose.
and I my yellow hose.
This being done, our Country wives
This done, our country girls
may warning take by me,
may warning be taken by me,
How they doe live such jealous lives,
How do they live such jealous lives,
as I have done with thee.
as I have done with you.
Give me my yellow Hose &c.
Give me my yellow hose, etc.
M. L.
M.L.
FINIS.
FINIS.
85 Edward Wright lived at Christ Church Gate, and published between 1620 and 1655, at which date he assigns to W. Gilbertson.
85 Edward Wright lived at Christ Church Gate and published works between 1620 and 1655, at which point he gave credit to W. Gilbertson.
[17.] Two riding down a great hill together, one said, it was dangerous riding down: No, says t'other, I will not light; for I have but one pair of shooes, and I shall spoil 'em: says the other, and I have but one neck, and I fear I shall spoil that, and therefore I'l. light.
[17.] Two people riding down a steep hill together, one said it was dangerous to ride down: "No," says the other, "I won't get off; I only have one pair of shoes, and I don't want to ruin them." The first replied, "And I only have one neck, and I'm worried I'll mess that up, so I will get off."
On a pale in the street,
On a pale in the street,
And there it did hang all the day
And there it hung all day.
But 'twas stole at Night,
But it was stolen at night,
Says the Man, by this light
Says the Man, by this light
They have stole it clean away.
They've taken it all.
[52.] Three loytring companions that fell in company together, domineered and swaggered so long, that all their mony was quite consumed and gone. So being pennilesse, and having little or no credit at all left, one of them said, Wee are now in a faire taking: for we may, if we please seek our Dinners with Duke Humphry. Nay, hold (quoth the second) If I come where any presse of people be, I can get mony enough for us all. And I (quoth the third) can as easily assemble people. They were at that time not much above two miles from a small Towne in Bark shire, where, when as thither they came, there was a new Pillory, newly set up, which the third of them seeing, steps to the Bailiffe, [pg 148] and desires him to have the first turn at their new Pillory. The Bailiffe, being a Butcher, was half amazed, and standing a while musing, at the last asked counsell of his honest neighbours, and they bad him set up the knave and spare not. So he makes no more a doe, but up he went, and when he was up, he looked about, and saw his two fellow Cheaters busie with their hands in the holes of the Butcher's aprons, where they put all their money. To it, to it (quoth he) apace. The people laughed heartily to see him stand there. At last, when he saw that his fellows had sped their matters, and were going away, he said to the Bailiffe, Turn the Pillory about, and now I will come down. So he, laughing heartily, did. And when he was come down, the Bailiffe said, now art thou an honest good fellow, and because thou hast made us some sport, I will give thee a Teaster to drink; and, thinking to take some money out of the hole of his apron, he found there never a penny. Cockes armes, quoth the Bailiffe, my money is picked out of my apron; and then the rest of the Butcher's besides swore they had lost theirs also. I hope, quoth the fellow, you do not think that I have it. No, certainly, quoth the Bailiffe, I know well enough thou hast it not; for thou wert on the pillory all the while. Why then no harm, for I did it to make you merry, quoth the fellow, and so went his wayes.
[52.] Three lazy companions who teamed up together acted so arrogantly and boastfully that they completely ran out of money. So, being broke and having little to no credit left, one of them said, "We're in quite a situation now: if we want, we can go ask Duke Humphry for our dinners." "Hold on," said the second. "If I get near any crowd, I can get enough money for all of us." And I (said the third) can just as easily gather people. At that time, they were not far, only about two miles from a small town in Barkshire, where, when they arrived, they saw a new pillory that had just been set up. The third one, upon seeing it, approached the bailiff and asked him to take the first turn at their new pillory. The bailiff, who was a butcher, was half surprised and stood there thinking for a while. Finally, he asked his honest neighbors for advice, and they told him to go ahead and put the rogue up there without holding back. So, he didn't hesitate and went up, and when he was up, he looked around and saw his two fellow cheats busy with their hands in the holes of the butcher's aprons, where they were stashing all their money. "Get to it, get to it," he said quickly. The crowd laughed heartily at the sight of him standing there. Eventually, when he saw that his partners had finished their business and were about to leave, he said to the bailiff, "Turn the pillory around, and now I’ll come down." So he laughed heartily and did. When he got down, the bailiff said, "Now you’re a good fellow, and since you’ve given us some entertainment, I’ll give you a teaster to drink;" and, thinking to take some money from the hole of his apron, he discovered not a single penny. "For heaven's sake," said the bailiff, "my money has been picked from my apron!" Then the rest of the butchers swore they had lost theirs too. "I hope," said the fellow, "you don’t think I have it." "No, of course not," said the bailiff, "I know you don’t have it; you were on the pillory the whole time." "Well then, no harm done, because I did it to make you laugh," said the fellow, and then he went on his way.
To most rare Phisicke I invite you all;
To the rarest of sciences, I invite you all;
Come neere and harken what I have to sell,
Come closer and listen to what I have to sell,
And deale with mee all those that are not well.
And deal with me all those who are not well.
In this Boxe heere, I have such precious stuffe,
In this box here, I have such valuable stuff,
To give it prayse, I have not words enuffe:
To give it praise, I have no words enough:
If any Humour in your Braines be crept,
If any humor has crept into your brains,
I'le fetch it out, as if your heads were swept.
I'll go get it, as if your heads were blown away.
Almost through Europe I have shewne my face
Almost through Europe, I have shown my face.
In every Towne, and every Market-place—
In every town and every marketplace—
Behold this salve, (I do not use to lye)
Behold this ointment, (I’m not lying)
Whole Hospitals there have been curde thereby.
Whole hospitals have been cured because of this.
I doe not stand heere like a tattar'd slave,
I don't stand here like a tattered slave,
My Velvet, and my Chaine of Gold I have:
My velvet and my gold chain I have:
Which cannot be maintained by mens lookes;
Which cannot be maintained by men's looks;
Friends, all your Towne is hardly worth my Bookes.
Friends, your entire town isn’t worth my books.
There stands my Coach and Horses, t'is mine owne;
There stands my Coach and Horses, it’s my own;
From hence to Turkie is my credite knowne:
From here to Turkey is where my reputation is known:
In sooth I cannot boast, as many will,
In truth, I can't brag, like many do,
Let nothing speake for mee, but onely skill.
Let nothing speak for me, but only skill.
See you that thing like Ginger-bread lies there.
See that thing that looks like gingerbread over there?
My tongue cannot expresse to any eare
My tongue cannot express to any ear
The sundrie vertues that it doth containe,
The various virtues that it contains,
Or number halfe the Wormes that it hath slaine.
Or number half the worms that it has slain.
If in your Bellies there be crawlers bred
If there are creepy crawlers in your bellies
In multitudes like Haires upon your head,
In large numbers like hairs on your head,
Within some howers space, or there about,
Within some hours' time, or thereabouts,
At all the holes you have, I'le fetch them out,
At all the holes you have, I'll take them out,
And ferret them before that I have done,
And find them before I finish,
Even like the Hare that foorth a Bush doth run.
Even like the Hare that runs out from a bush.
Heere is a wond'rous Water for the Eye;
Heere is a wondrous Water for the Eye;
This for the Stomacke: Maisters will you buy?
This is for the stomach: Masters, will you buy?
When I am gone, you will repent too late,
When I'm gone, you'll regret it too late,
And then (like fooles) among yourselves will prate,
And then (like fools) will chatter among yourselves,
Oh that we had that famous Man againe,
Oh, if we only had that famous man again,
When I shall be suppli'd in France or Spaine:
When I will be supplied in France or Spain:
That will the lives of halfe a dozen save.
That will save the lives of half a dozen.
My man has come, and in mine eare he sayes
My man has come, and in my ear he says
At home for me at least an hundred stayes,
At home for me, at least a hundred sticks,
All Gentlemen; yet for your Good, you see,
All gentlemen; yet for your benefit, you see,
I make them tarry, and attend for mee.
I make them wait and pay attention to me.
If that you have no Money, let me know,
If you don't have any money, let me know,
Phisicke of almes upon you Ile bestow.
I will give you the healing power of charity.
What Doctor in the world can offer more?
What doctor in the world can offer more?
Such arrant Clownes I never knew before:
Such outrageous fools I have never known before:
Heere you doe stand like Owles and gaze on mee,
Heere you doe stand like Owles and gaze on mee,
But not a Penny from you I can see.
But I can tell I won't get a penny from you.
A man shall come to doe such Dunces good,
A man will come to do good for such fools,
And cannot have his meaning understood?
And can't have his meaning understood?
To talke to senselesse people is in vaine,
To talk to senseless people is pointless,
I'le see you hang'd ere I'le come heere againe:
I'll see you hanged before I come here again:
Be all diseas'd as bad as Horses be
Be all sick as badly as horses are.
And die in ditches like to Dogges, for me!
And die in ditches like dogs, for me!
An Old-wives-medicine, Parseley, Time and Sage,
An old wives' remedy, parsley, thyme, and sage,
Will serve such Buzzards in this scurvey age:
Will serve such buzzards in this awful age:
Goose grease and Fennell, with a few Dog-dates,
Goose fat and Fennel, along with a few Dog days,
Is excellent for such base lowzey mates:
Is great for such basic, low-quality friends:
To stretch your neckes as long as is mine arme.
To stretch your necks as long as my arm.
86 A "façon de parler;" a stater really was a tetradrachm in silver, and was worth about half a crown.
86 A "way of speaking;" a stater was actually a tetradrachm made of silver and was worth about half a crown.
87 Hempen.
Hemp.
The following is a Satire on card-playing, which, doubtless, was carried to excess by the Cavaliers in Charles I.'s time.
The following is a satire on card-playing, which was definitely taken too far by the Cavaliers during the time of Charles I.
"Ile trump that Sir"Puss my aple gainst thy mouse jle lay
Puss, my apple against your mouse shall lay.
The gam's mine jf thast ne'r a trump to play
The game's mine if there's never a trump to play
Mister apes face thart deceiud in mee
Mister ape's face that deceived in me
I haue many trumpshers one dost see
I have many trump cards you can see
For a pint of wine the drawer call
For a pint of wine, the drawer calls.
I come o prittie d'ye see this squall
I come, oh pretty, do you see this storm?
Apes and Catts to play at Cards are fitt
Apes and cats are good at playing cards.
Men & women ought to have more witt
Men and women should have more wit
[59.] A Continuation of a Catalogue of Ladies to be set up by Auction, on Monday the 6th of this Instant July.
[59.] A Continuation of a Catalog of Ladies to be offered by Auction, on Monday the 6th of this month July.
Catalogues are distributed by the Booksellers of London & Westminster.
Catalogs are distributed by the booksellers of London & Westminster.
Sales Terms.
First. He who bids most is the Buyer, and if any Difference arises, she is to be put up again.
First. The person who offers the highest bid is the Buyer, and if there are any disputes, the item will be auctioned again.
Secondly. That no Person shall bid less than £500 the first Proposal, and always advance £100.
Secondly. No one can make a bid lower than £500 for the first proposal, and any subsequent bids must increase by at least £100.
Thirdly. That all of them shall be bound up in Silks; and if any shall happen to be otherwise, the Party that buys them shall be at Liberty to take them away or leave them.
Thirdly. They all must be wrapped in silk; and if any are not, the buyer has the option to take them or leave them.
By E. Cl——r Auctioneer that sold the young Heiress in Q—— Street.
By E. Cl——r Auctioneer who sold the young heiress in Q—— Street.
For to begg, God wot,
To beg, God knows,
And of a poor Scholar begg'd a Doller;
And a poor scholar begged for a dollar;
Thou hast Lice I do fear,
Thou hast lice, I do fear,
But no sence, I swear,
But no sense, I swear.
For to begg of a very poor Scholar.
For the sake of asking a very poor student.
[18.] An Author's House being on fire whilst he was poring on his Books, he called to his Wife and bad her look to it. You know, says he, I don't concern myself with the household.
[18.] While an author's house was on fire as he was absorbed in his books, he called out to his wife and told her to take care of it. You know, he said, I don't deal with household issues.
[17.] One parting a Fray, was cut into the Scul: says the Surgeon, Sir, one may see your brains: Nay then I'l be hang'd, says he, for if I had had any brains, I had never come there.
[17.] One person involved in the fight had their forehead cut open, the surgeon said, "Sir, you can see your brains." The man replied, "Well then, I might as well be hanged, because if I had any brains, I would have never come here."
[17.] A Gentleman losing his way galloping furiously over the plow'd Lands towards Tame, and meeting one, said, Friend is this the way to Tame? Yes Sir, says he, your Horse, if he be as wild as the Devil.
[17.] A gentleman who was lost was riding furiously over the plowed fields toward Tame. He met someone and asked, "Friend, is this the way to Tame?" The person replied, "Yes, sir, but your horse is as wild as the devil."
The Virgin Race
Or, York's Glory.
Being an Account of a Race lately Run at Temple-Newnham-Green; None being admitted to run, but such as were supposed Virgins. The first that came to the two Miles-Race end, was to have a Silver Spoon, the second, a silver bodkin, the third a Silver Thimble, and the fourth Nothing at all.
A Race Report recently Held at Temple-Newnham-Green; Only those who were believed to be Virgins were allowed to participate. The first contestant to cross the finish line of the two-mile race would receive a Silver Spoon, the second a silver bodkin, the third a Silver Thimble, and the fourth nothing at all.
Tune is, a New Game at Cards.
Tune is, a New Game at Cards.
[60.]You that do desire to hear,
You who want to hear,
Of a Virgin Race run in York-Shire,
Of a Virgin Race run in Yorkshire,
Come and Listen, I'le declare,
Come and listen, I'll declare,
Such News before, you never did hear;
Such news before, you never heard.
For I think since the World begun
For I think since the world began
But seldom Virgins Races run.
But rarely do Virgin Races happen.
Four Virgins that supposed were
Four virgins who were supposed to
A Race did run I now declare,
A race has taken place, I now declare,
Sure such a Race was never seen,
Sure, a race like this has never been seen.
As this at Temple Newnham Green.
As this at Temple Newnham Green.
In half-shirts & Drawers these Maids did run
In crop tops and shorts, these maids ran.
But Bonny Nan the Race has won
But Bonny Nan the Race has won
A Silver Spoon this Nan obtain'd
A Silver Spoon this Nan got
The next a Silver Bodkin gain'd
The next, a Silver Bodkin was acquired.
The third that was not quite so nimble,
The third one wasn't quite as quick,
Was to have a Silver Thimble;
Was supposed to have a Silver Thimble;
And she that was the last of all.
And she was the last of all.
Nothing unto her share did fall.
Nothing was given to her.
In Drawers Red Ann Clayton run,
In Red Drawers Ann Clayton run,
And she it was the Race that won;
And she was the Race that won;
Pegg Hall as I may tell to you,
Pegg Hall as I might share with you,
Did run in Drawers that were Blew;
Did run in drawers that were blue;
Honest Alice Hall that was the third,
Honest Alice Hall who was the third,
Her Drawers were white upon my word.
Her drawers were white, I swear.
A concourse great of People were
A large crowd of people was
For to behold these Virgins there,
For seeing these Virgins here,
Who so well acted the Mans part,
Who played the man's role so well,
And love a Man with all their heart;
And love a man with all their heart;
But what means this, for well we know
But what does this mean, for we know
Maids through the Nation all do so.
Maids all over the country do this.
Now let us come to Bonny Nan,
Now let's talk about Bonny Grandma,
Who won a Race once of a man,
Who won a race once of a man,
In Bassing Hall Street he did dwell
He lived on Bassing Hall Street.
His name was Luke, 'tis known full well;
His name was Luke, as everyone knows;
And let me now declare to you,
And let me now say to you,
At something else she'l beat him too.
At something else, she’ll beat him too.
Let none the York-shire Girls despise
Let none of the York-shire Girls despise
Who are so Active now a days,
Who are so active these days,
So brisk and nimble they do grow,
So quick and lively they become,
That few can match them, I do know:
That few can match them, I know that for sure:
Then let us stand up for York shire,
Then let us stand up for Yorkshire,
Those Country Girls I love most dear.
Those country girls I love the most.
A York shire Girl who can outvie,
A Yorkshire girl who can outshine,
No City Girls can them come nigh,
No City Girls can come close to them,
They've Rosey Blushes in their Cheeks,
They have rosy blushes on their cheeks,
While City Girls are Green as Leeks,
While City Girls are as naïve as young shoots,
This with my fancy will agree
This will match my needs.
A York shire Girl shall be for me.
A Yorkshire girl will be the one for me.
Then here's a Health to a York shire Girl,
Then here's to a Yorkshire girl,
For in my eye she is a Pearl
For in my eyes, she is a pearl.
Whose Beauty doth so charm mine eye,
Whose beauty catches my eye,
That for her I would freely dye.
That for her I would willingly dye.
Her virtues do her face adorn,
Her virtues shine through her face,
And makes her look fresh as the Morn.
And makes her look as fresh as the morning.
Now to conclude unto my friend
Now to wrap things up for my friend
These Lines I freely recommend;
I wholeheartedly recommend these lines;
Advising him above the rest,
Advising him over the others,
To love a Yorkshire Girl the best;
To love a Yorkshire Girl best;
But let him use his skill for I
But let him use his skills for I
Will love a Yorkshire Girl until I dye
Will love a Yorkshire Girl until I die
FINIS
FINIS
Printed for J Wright, J Clark, W Thackeray, and T. Passinger—
Printed for J Wright, J Clark, W Thackeray, and T. Passinger—
[61.] There were two good fellows of ancient society (who had not seen one another in a great space of tyme) that one morning very luckily met each other in Budge Row, and after some signes of gladnesse to meet so happily, they agreed upon a mornings draught, which lasted almost till noon, in which time they were both sufficiently liquor'd. But their bellies being fuller than their brains, they did resolve to bring up the rear of that morning's action with a Cup of Canary; away they went to the Swan Tavern at Dowgate, where for three hours longer they sat pecking at one another, like two Game Cocks at the end of a battaile, untill both their Eyes were in a very glimmering Condition. In the mean time, whilst they were thus toaping, there fell an exceeding violent and continuing glut of Rain, so that it flowed up to the threshold of the Tavern door, and no passenger could get over: By this time [pg 156] my good fellows having call'd, and paid the reckoning, they both came reeling to the door, and seeing so broad a water tumbled down Dowgate, one of them swore it was the Thames, and began to call a Sculler; the other being unwilling to engage further, said he would take his leave, which he did with so low a bending Complement, that his britch touching a little too hard against the stump of a post which was behind him, that it made him rebound into the middle of the stream with his head forward. The unfortunate fellow was no sooner in, but he began to stretch forth his Armes and Leggs to swim; the other which stood upon the shore, cryed out lamentably for the danger of his friend, and deploring the loss of so good a fellow, and what loss his Wife and Children would suffer in his death. But in conclusion (as the last word of Comfort) he calls out to him in these words. Dost thou hear Friend! Friend! if thou canst but Gaine Temple Staire's thou wilt be safe, I warrant thee, unto which the swimming man made reply. A pox of Gaine, I do not think of Gaine, if I can but save myself, I care not.
[61.] There were two good friends from a long time ago (who hadn't seen each other in ages) that one morning coincidentally ran into each other in Budge Row, and after expressing their happiness at this chance meeting, they decided to grab a morning drink, which lasted almost until noon, during which time they both had a bit too much to drink. However, their stomachs were fuller than their brains, and they decided to end that morning’s escapade with a glass of Canary wine; they headed to the Swan Tavern at Dowgate, where they spent another three hours drinking, squabbling like two roosters after a fight, until both of their eyes were quite glazed over. Meanwhile, while they were drinking, an incredibly heavy and persistent downpour started, flooding right up to the Tavern door, preventing anyone from passing. By this time, [pg 156] my good friends had called for their tab and paid, then they both stumbled to the door, and upon seeing the wide flood flowing down Dowgate, one of them insisted it was the Thames and began calling for a boat. The other, not wanting to get into any more trouble, said he would take his leave, which he did with such a low bow that his backside bumped hard against the stump of a post behind him, causing him to tumble right into the middle of the stream headfirst. The unfortunate guy was no sooner in than he started flailing his arms and legs to swim; the other, standing on the shore, cried out in despair for his friend, mourning the loss of such a good man and worrying about the grief his wife and children would face if he drowned. But in the end (as the last word of comfort), he shouted to him, "Do you hear me, friend! Friend! If you can just reach Temple Stairs, you'll be safe, I promise." To which the swimmer replied, "Forget about reaching; I’m not thinking about that. If I can just save myself, I don't care."
Quidam erat.
[5.]A preaching fryar there was, who thus began,
[5.]There was a preaching friar who started like this,
The Scripture saith there was a certaine man:
The scripture says there was a certain man:
A certaine man? but I do read no where,
A certain man? But I don't read anywhere,
Of any certaine woman88 mention'd there:
Of any specific woman mentioned there: __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__
A certaine man, a phrase in Scripture common,
A certain man, a phrase in Scripture that is common,
But no place shewes there was a Certaine Woman:
But no place shows there was a Certain Woman:
And fit it is, that we should ground our faith
And it makes sense that we should base our faith
On nothing more than what the Scripture saith.
On nothing more than what the Scriptures say.
88 This is hardly warranted by fact. See Mark xii. 42; Luke xi. 27; Luke xxiv. 22.
88 This is barely supported by evidence. See Mark xii. 42; Luke xi. 27; Luke xxiv. 22.
[12.]A fellow once said
A friend once said
He would ne're keep his Bed,
He would never stay in bed,
Though sick, I heard him to tell it,
Though sick, I heard him tell it,
And his Reason was,
And his reason was,
Nay I know the Cause,
No, I know the reason,
For he still had a mind to Sell it.
For he still wanted to sell it.
[26.] A great German Prince, that was much addicted to Drinking, had drank so much one day, that the next he was very sick; then his Fool came in to him and askt him, why he was so melancholly? he told him his Sickness was occasion'd by drinking yesterday: Why then, says the Fool, if that be all, I'll be your Physician; that is, if you are ill with drinking one day, take a Hare of the same Dog. Well, says the Prince, and what the second day? The Fool told him the same again: And what the third day? the same too. And what at the fourth? Why the same. We'll come to the purpose, says he, and what the fifth day? Why Faith, says he, then you'll be as arrant a Fool as I am.
[26.] A great German Prince, who loved to drink, had overindulged one day and felt terrible the next. His Fool came in and asked why he looked so down. The Prince explained that his sickness was caused by drinking the day before. The Fool replied, “Well, if that's the case, I can be your doctor; if you’re feeling bad from drinking one day, just do the same thing the next day.” The Prince asked, “What about the second day?” The Fool said the same thing. “And what about the third day?” he asked. “The same again,” the Fool replied. “And on the fourth day?” “Why, the same as well,” said the Fool. The Prince said, “Get to the point; what about the fifth day?” The Fool answered, “Well, then you’ll be just as big a fool as I am.”
Mercurius Matrimonialis
or
Salesmen for the Ladies recently
Offered for Sale through Auction.
(procured by one of their own Sex)
(procured by one of their own kind)
- [62.]A Country Gentleman, who has a very delicate Seat between 20 and 30 Miles off London, and a very considerable Estate, a very Proper Comely Person, but not very Witty.
- A Linnen Draper near the Stocks Market, a very handsome Genteel Man.
- A Milliner on the Royal Exchange, much admired for his Handsomness and Gentility.
- A Clergyman near Exeter, but now in Town, a pretty Black Man, a very good Scholar, proposes for a Joynture £200 per Ann. in Free-land.
- A Bookseller near the Exchange a very Sober Man, a Man of a Good Trade, besides some Estate.
- [pg 158]A Linnen Drapers Son in Cornhill, a very pretty genteel Man, his Father a Man of a very good Estate.
- A Goldsmith behind the Exchange—so, so.—
- A Miliner in Cheapside, near the end of Bread Street, very genteel but no conjurer.
- For the Brewers Daughter, a Lace Man in Pater Noster Row, who loves the smell of Malt and good Ale, of good heighth and Stature, and Stomach answerable.
- A Coffee Man, well lin'd with Broad Pieces of Gold, and has a good Trade, a Widdower, wants a Bar keeper.
- A lusty, stout proportion'd Man, had a good Estate before the Fire,89 and is still fit for Woman's Service.
- A Bookseller's Son in Paul's Church yard, an extream Genteel man, and of the same kidney as the Mercer in Covent Garden.
- A Commission Officer, full of Courage, brim full of Honour, a well proportion'd Man, and very beautiful and yet wants Money.
- An Apothecary near Bread Street Hill, a very genteel Man, a Widdower.
- A Young Gentleman now learning to Dance, wants a Wife to guide him, his Estate £150 per Ann.
- A Haberdasher's Son in Cheapside, makes a great Figure in the World, his Education good, only wants a Wife, or Place.
- A diminutive Bookseller, very difficult in his Choice, £5000 proves a Temptation to him.
- A Mercer upon Ludgate Hill, Kin to a good Estate, his Trade indifferent:
- A young Merchant, whose Estate lyes on the Carriby Islands, if his Cargo misses the French Fleet, he makes a good Joynture.
- An Ancient Gentleman now purchasing an Estate, wants a rich Wife to stand by him.
- A Goldsmith near the Royal Exchange, a Widdower, of a very considerable Estate, besides a great Trade, will make a good Joynture, and perhaps keep a Coach, he's a very brisk Man.
89 Although this "squib" is not dated, this allusion makes it probable it was written in Charles II.'s time.
89 Even though this "squib" doesn’t have a date, this reference makes it likely that it was written during the time of Charles II.
Fell downe and brake his arme,
Fell down and broke his arm,
And did complaine unto a friend,
And vented to a friend,
Of his unluckie harme.
Of his unfortunate harm.
Would I had counsel'd you before,
Would I had advised you earlier,
(quoth he to whom he spake)
(quoth he to whom he spake)
I know a tricke for Climbers, that
I know a trick for climbers, that
They never hurt shall take.
They will never take hurt.
Neighbour (sayd he) I have a Sonne,
Neighbour (he said) I have a son,
And he doth use to climbe,
And he usually ascends,
Pray let me know the same for him
Please let me know the same for him.
Against another time?
Against a different time?
Why thus, (quoth he) let any man
Why then, he said, let anyone
That lives, climbe nere so hie,
That lives, climb near so high,
And make no more haste downe, than up,
And don’t rush down any faster than you do going up,
No harme can come thereby.
No harm can come from that.
[61.] A Gentleman who had constantly beene a good fellow, meeting with some of his friends at a mornings draught, told his Companions that, God forgive him, he went to bed like a beast last night. Why? quoth they, were you so drunk? No, quoth he, I was so sober.
[61.] A guy who always had a good time with his friends, meeting up for a morning drink, told his buddies that, God forgive him, he went to bed like a beast last night. "Why?" they asked, "Were you that drunk?" "No," he replied, I was that sober.
SELDOME CLEANELY90
or
or
A merry new Ditty, wherein you may see,
A joyful new song, where you can see,
The tricke of a Huswife, in every degree.
The skills of a housewife, in every aspect.
Then lend your attention while I doe unfold
Then pay attention while I explain
As pleasant a story as you have heard told.
As nice a story as you’ve ever heard.
To the Tune of Upon a Summers time.
To the Tune of During One Summer.
and lissen unto me,
and listen to me,
Ile tell you here a new conceit
I’ll share a new idea with you here.
concerning Huswifery,
about Huswifery,
concerning Huswifery.
regarding Huswifery.
Three Aunts I had of late,
Three aunts I've had recently,
good Huswifes all were they,
good housewives all were they,
But cruell death hath taken
But cruel death has taken
the best of them away,
the best of them gone,
O the best &c—
O the best &c—
O this was one of my Aunts,
O this was one of my aunts,
the best of all the three,
the best of all three,
And surely though I say it myselfe
And surely, though I say it myself
a cleanly woman was she,
she was a neat woman,
a cleanly &c.
a clean one &c.
My Uncle carelesse was
My careless uncle was
in wasting of his store,
in wasting his resources,
Which made my Aunt to have a care
Which worried my aunt.
to looke about the more,
to look around more,
to looke &c—
to look, etc.—
When Winter time drew on
As winter approached
neere to All hollow day:
near to All Hallows' Day:
My Aunt did cast her wits about
My aunt did ponder her thoughts
to save her Straw and Hay.
to save her Straw and Hay.
to save &c—
to save c
And like a provident woman,
And like a prepared woman,
as plainely did apeare,
as clearly appeared,
She starv'd her Bullockes to save her Hay,
She starved her cattle to save her hay,
untill another yeare.
until another year.
O this was one of my Aunts,
Oh, this was one of my aunts,
the best of all the three
the best of all three
And surely, though I say't myselfe
And surely, even though I say it myself
a provident woman was shee.
she was a wise woman.
But as she went to see
But as she went to see
her cattell in the fields:
her cattle in the fields:
When she comes home, two pound of durt
When she comes home, two pounds of dirt
hang dragling at her heeles.
hang dragging at her heels.
O this &c
O this &c
And there she let it hang
And there she let it drop
from Candlemas to May,
from Candlemas to May,
And then shee tooke a hatchet in hand,
And then she took a hatchet in hand,
and chopt it cleane away.
and chop it clean away.
O this &c
O this etc.
In making of a cheese
In making cheese
my Aunt shewed her cunning,
my Aunt showed her cunning,
Such perfit skill shee had at will,
Such perfect skill she had at will,
shee never used running.91
she never used running. __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__
O this &c
O this &c
For having strain'd her milke
For having strained her milk
in turning once about,
in turning around,
Shee had the best Curd that ever you saw
She had the best cheese curds you've ever seen.
O this &c
O this &c
Shee was the choysest Nurse
She was the choicest nurse.
that lived in all the West;
that lived in all the West;
Her face was white as the charcoal flower
Her face was as pale as a charcoal flower.
so was her neck and brest.
so was her neck and breast.
O this was one of my Aunts,
Oh, this was one of my aunts,
the best of all the three,
the best of all three
And surely, though I say't myselfe,
And surely, though I say it myself,
a cleanly good Nurse was shee.
a cleanly good Nurse was she.
The garments which she did weare
Her outfit
did shine like the brazen Crock,
did shine like the bold pot,
And where she went, she bore such a sent
And wherever she went, she carried such a scent
that the flyes blew in her frock.
that the flies got caught in her dress.
O this &c
O this &c
My Aunt so curious was,
My aunt was so curious,
as I to you may tell,
as I can tell you,
She used to make fat puddings
She used to make rich puddings
in markets for to sell.
in markets to sell.
O this &c
Oh this &c
The smallest Candle end
The tiniest candle end
my Aunt would never lose
my aunt would never lose
It would helpe to make her puddings fat
It would help to make her puddings rich.
with the droppings of her nose.
with the sniffles.
O this &c
Oh this &c
Another trick she had
Another trick she had
as I shall now declare,
as I will now state,
Shee never swept the house,
She never cleaned the house.
about foure times a yeare.
about four times a year.
O this &c
Oh this &c
And when she swept the Hall,
And when she cleaned the Hall,
the Parler or the Spence,
the Parler or the Spence,
The dust was worth to her at least,
The dust was worth it to her at least,
a shilling or 14 pence.
a shilling or 14 pence.
O this &c
O this, etc.
One day my Aunt was set
One day my Aunt was ready
by the fier side a spinning,
by the fire side a spinning,
As she knew well what was to do
As she knew exactly what to do
to wollen or to linnen.
to wool or to linen.
O this &c
Oh this etc.
A change came in her minde,
A change came in her mind,
her worke being in great hast,
her work being in great haste,
She burn'd her Tow, her Wheele and all
She burned her tow, her wheel, and everything.
because she would make no wast.
because she wouldn't waste anything.
O this &c
Oh this &c
My Aunt so patient was
My aunt was so patient.
of this I dare be bold,
of this I dare to be bold,
That with her Neighbours shee
That with her neighbors she
was never knowne to scolde.
was never known to scold.
O this &c
Oh this & etc.
Her lips with lothsome words
Her lips with unpleasant words
she seldome would defile,
she rarely would defile,
But sometimes she would whisper so loud
But sometimes she would whisper so loudly
you might heare her half a mile
you might hear her half a mile away
O this &c
O this etc.
Yet one condition more
But one more condition
unto you I will show,
to you I will show,
Shee washt her dishes once a moneth,
She washed her dishes once a month,
and set them on a row.
and arranged them in a row.
O this &c
O this &c
If other wise she had
If otherwise she had
but of a dish clout faile,
but of a dish cloth fail,
She would set them to the Dog to lick
She would let the dog lick them.
and wipe them with his tayle.
and wipe them with his tail.
O this &c
O this &c
But to conclude in hast,
But to conclude quickly,
I hold it not amisse,
I don’t think it’s wrong,
I love a cleanly huswife well
I really admire a tidy housewife.
as may appeare by this.
as can be seen from this.
O this was one of my Aunts
Oh, this was one of my aunts
the best of all the three,
the best of all three
And surely, though I say't myselfe,
And surely, though I say it myself,
a cleanely woman was she.
she was a tidy woman.
FINIS.
FINIS.
London. Printed for John Wright junior,94 dwelling at the upper end of the Old Baily.
London. Printed for John Wright junior,94 living at the upper end of the Old Bailey.
91 Rennet.
Rennet.
92 Scent.
Fragrance.
93 ? Laurence Price.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__? Laurence Price.
Astrology (in the middle of the seventeenth century) was beginning to fall into disrepute, and Butler, in Hudibras, as well as Ben Jonson in The Alchemist, satirised unmercifully both the science and its professors. The accompanying engraving "The Astrologer's Bugg Beare" refers to an eclipse of the sun, an event, which even at that time was considered of dire portent. Take the title of one tract as a sample. 95"The Shepherds Prognostication, Foretelling the sad and strange Eclipse of the Sun, which will happen on the 29 of March [pg 165] this present year 1652. which Eclipse will begin about eight of the Clock in the fore noon, and so continue till past the hour of eleven, which will be the dismallest day that ever was known since the year 33, when our Savior Christ suffered on the Crosse for the sins of Mankind, at which time the Seas did roare, the earth did quake, the graves did open, the temple rent from the top to the bottom, Luke 23. 45. And there was a darknesse over all the Land. This Prediction also foretells of many strange Presages and Passages which will follow after that horrible Eclipse of the Sun, and what will insue. With a perfect way whereby to avoid the insuing danger. By L. P." (? Laurence Price.) And the contents of the tract fully bears out its title.
Astrology in the mid-seventeenth century was starting to lose its credibility, and Butler in Hudibras, along with Ben Jonson in The Alchemist, ruthlessly mocked both the practice and its practitioners. The accompanying engraving "The Astrologer's Bug Bear" refers to a solar eclipse, an event that was considered ominous even back then. Take the title of one pamphlet as an example. 95"The Shepherd's Prognostication, Foretelling the sad and strange Eclipse of the Sun, which will happen on the 29 of March [pg 165] this present year 1652. This Eclipse will start around eight in the morning and will continue until after eleven, marking the most dreadful day that's ever been known since the year 33, when our Savior Christ was crucified for humanity's sins; at that time, the seas roared, the earth quaked, graves opened, and the temple was torn from top to bottom, Luke 23. 45. And there was darkness over all the land. This prediction also warns of many strange omens and events that will follow that terrible solar eclipse, along with a clear method to avoid the coming danger. By L. P." (? Laurence Price.) The contents of the pamphlet fully support its title.
But "L. P.," whoever he was, entered thoroughly into the joke of the thing, and, when it was all over, wrote a book, teeming with quiet satire, which was published on 9th April 1652, called—
But "L. P.," whoever he was, really got the joke and, after it all ended, wrote a book full of subtle satire, which was published on April 9, 1652, called—
The Astrologer's Bugg Beare.
[64.] In his little tract he chaffs the people most unmercifully, yet very quietly, at times so much so that one might almost think it written in earnest. For instance: "A Usurer that was to receive money of a country man that was his debter on that day, durst not to venter fourth of his house; by which meanes the man rid forth out of London and paid not in his moneyes, for which cause the Usurer was about to cut his own throat, and had don it, if he had not bin prevented by some of his Neighboures.
[64.] In his short essay, he mocks the people quite mercilessly, but very subtly, at times so much that you might almost think it was written seriously. For example: "A loan shark who was supposed to collect money from a farmer who owed him that day didn’t dare to leave his house; as a result, the farmer rode out of London and didn’t pay him, which made the loan shark so desperate that he almost slit his own throat, and would have done it if some of his neighbors hadn't stopped him.
Some other Christians were so fearefull of what would befall, that they sent their maids two dayes before Black monday for to fetch in faire water in a redynesse to wash, fearing that the ayre would infect the water.
Some other Christians were so scared of what might happen that they sent their maids two days before Black Monday to fetch clean water, ready to wash, worried that the air would contaminate the water.
Some tooke Medicines, Pils, and Antidotes, which was administred unto them by a supposed out landish doctor, which he had set bils for in severall places, caling his Medicines, an Antidote against the tirrible Eclipes of the Sun, so he got money, and they went away as wise as woodcockes."
Some took medicines, pills, and antidotes that were given to them by a supposed foreign doctor, who had put up posters in various places, calling his remedies an antidote against the terrible eclipses of the sun. So he made money, and they left just as clueless as before.
Ben Jonson, in "The Alchemist" gives a very vivid and amusing picture of an astrologer and his gull. Act 1, Scene 3. Subtle (the astrologer), Face (his agent), Drugger (a tobacconist).
Ben Jonson, in "The Alchemist," paints a lively and entertaining picture of an astrologer and his fool. Act 1, Scene 3. Subtle (the astrologer), Face (his assistant), Drugger (a tobacconist).
[65.]Subtle. What is your name, say you, Abel Drugger?
[65.]Subtle. What’s your name, you say, Abel Drugger?
Drugger. Yes Sir,
Drug dealer. Yes Sir,
Sub. A Seller of Tobacco?
A Tobacco Seller?
Dru. Yes, Sir
Dru. Yes, Sir
Sub. 'Umh,
Sub. 'Um,
Dru. I, and't please you.
I, if it pleases you.
Sub. Well,
Well,
Your business Abel?
Your business, Abel?
Dru. This, and't please your Worship,
I am a yong beginner, and am building
Of a new shop, and't like your worship, just
At Corner of a Street: (Here's the plot on't.)
And I would know, by art, Sir, of your Worship,
Which way I should make my dore, by Necromancie.
And where my Shelves. And which should be for Boxes,
And which for Potts. I would be glad to thrive, Sir,
And, I was wish'd to your Worship by a Gentleman,
One Captaine Face, that say's you know mens Planets,
And their good Angels, and their bad.
Drew. If you wish, Sir,
I'm a young beginner, and I'm setting up
A new shop at the corner of a street: (Here’s the layout.)
I’d like to know, through your expertise, Sir,
Which way I should position my door, through Necromancy.
And where to place my shelves. Which ones should hold boxes,
And which should hold pots. I’m eager to succeed, Sir,
And I was recommended to you by a gentleman,
Captain Face, who says you know about people’s Planets,
And their good Angels, and their bad.
Sub. I doe
I do
Face. What! my honest Abel?
Face. What! my loyal Abel?
Thou art well met here.
You're welcome here.
Dru. Troth, Sir, I was speaking
Just as your Worship came here, of your Worship.
I pray you, speake for me to Mr Doctor.
Drew. Honestly, Sir, I was just saying
Right before you arrived, about you.
Please, say something on my behalf to Mr. Doctor.
Face. He shall doe anything. Doctor, doe you heare?
This is my friend, Abel, an honest fellow.
Face. He'll do anything. Doctor, do you hear?
This is my friend, Abel, a good guy.
......
.
Sub. H'is a fortunate fellow, that I am sure on.
Sub. He's a lucky guy, that I know for sure.
Face. Already, Sir, ha' you found it? Lo' the Abel!
Face. Have you found it yet, Sir? Look, the Abel!
Sub. And in right way to'ward riches.
Sub. And in the right way toward wealth.
Face. Sir!
Face. Yes, sir!
Face. What, and so little Beard?
Face. What, and so little facial hair?
Sub. Sir, you must thinke,
He may have a receipt to make hayre come.
But he'll be wise, preserve his youth, and fine100 for't.
His fortune lookes for him, another way.
Sub. Sir, you need to think,
He might have a trick to make hair grow.
But he'll be smart, keep his youth, and pay100 for it.
His luck is headed in a different direction.
Face. 'Slid, Doctor, how canst thou know this so soone?
I am amus'd at that!
Face. 'Come on, Doctor, how do you know this so quickly?
I'm surprised by that!
Sub. By a rule, Captayne
In Metaposcopie which I doe worke by,
A certaine Starre i' the forehead, which you see not.
Your Chest-nut, or your Olive colourd face
Do's never fayle; and your long Eare doth promise.
I knew't, by certaine spotts too, in his teeth,
And on the nayle of his Mercurial finger.
Sub. As a rule, Captain
In Metaposcopie which I work with,
A certain star on the forehead, which you don’t see.
Your chestnut or olive-colored face
Never fails, and your long ear is promising.
I knew it by certain spots too, in his teeth,
And on the nail of his Mercurial finger.
Face. Which finger's that?
Face. Which finger is that?
Sub. His little finger, Looke.
Yo' were borne upon a Wensday.
Sub. Check out his pinky.
You were born on a Wednesday.
Drug. Yes, indeed, Sir.
Medication. Yes, of course, Sir.
Sub. The Thumbe, in Chiromantie, we give Venus;
The Fore-finger to Iove; the Midst, to Saturne;
The Ring to Sol, the Least to Mercurie,
Who was the Lord, Sir, of his Horoscope,
His House of Life being Libra. Which foreshew'd
He should be a Marchant, and should trade with Ballance.
Sub. The Thumb represents Venus in Chiromancy;
the Index finger is for Jupiter; the Middle finger is for Saturn;
the Ring finger is for the Sun, and the Little finger is for Mercury,
who was the Lord, Sir, of his Horoscope,
his House of Life being Libra. This indicated
that he would be a merchant and trade using a balance.
Face. Why, this is strange! Is't not, honest Nab?
Face. Why, this is weird! Isn't it, honest Nab?
Sub. There is a Ship now, comming from Ormu's,
That shall yeeld him such a Commoditie
Of Drugs. This is the West, and this the South?
Sub. There’s a ship coming from Ormu's,
That will bring him a valuable shipment
Of drugs. Is this the West, and is this the South?
Drug. Yes Sir.
Drug. Yes, Sir.
Sub. And those are your two sides!
Sub. And those are your two choices!
Drug. I, Sir.
Drug. I, Sir.
Sub. Make me your Dore, then, South; your broad side, West;
And, on the East-side of your shop, aloft,
Write Mathlaj, Tarmiel, and Baraborat;
Upon the North-part Rael, Velel, Thiel,
These are the names of those Mercurian Spirits,
That doe fright flyes from boxes.
Sub. Make me your Dore, then, South; your wide side, West;
And, on the East side of your shop, up high,
Write Mathlaj, Tarmiel, and Baraborat;
On the North side Rael, Velel, Thiel,
These are the names of those Mercurian Spirits,
That scare flies away from boxes.
Drug. Yes Sir,
Drug. Yes, Sir,
Sub. And
Beneath your threshold, bury me a Loade stone
To draw in Gallants that weare spurres; The rest
Theyll seeme to follow.
Sub. And
Below your entrance, bury a lodestone
To attract suitors who wear spurs; the others
Will just appear to follow.
In this play, too, Alchemy is scarified, as is also the Puritanism of the age.
In this play, Alchemy is also criticized, as is the Puritanism of the time.
95 Brit. Mus. Cat. (E. 1351.)/1
96 Company.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Company.
97 A play upon the word. Subtle meaning the gold coin called an Angel, value 10s.
97 A play on words. The subtle meaning refers to the gold coin called an Angel, worth 10 shillings.
98 i.e. be made a liveryman.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ become a liveryman.
99 Made sheriff.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Became sheriff.
[12.]A very drunken Sot
A very drunk Sot
The Hickock had got,
The Hickock had gotten,
Cause he drank Rosa Solis and Aqua Vitæ;
Because he drank Rosa Solis and Aqua Vitæ;
Such Latine drink that he
Such a Latin drink that he
Declines Hic, Hoc, very free,
Declines Hic, Hoc, very free
But such English words as wou'd fright ye.
But certain English words might scare you.
[52.] A poore man travelling from door to door a begging, being lately come from Paris, a City in France, being invited by hunger to a good simple Country Swain's doore, to aske his almes; his wife asked him what he was, and from whence he came? Quoth the fellow, from Paris. From Paradise (quoth she) then thou knowest my old John there (meaning her former husband) I, quoth the fellow, that I doe. I pray thee (quoth she) how doth he doe? Faith (quoth the fellow) poore, he hath meat and drinke enough, but wants cloathes and mony. Alas, quoth she, I am sory for it, I pray thee stay a little; and, running up into her Chamber, fetcht downe her husbands new sute of cloathes, and five shillings in mony, and gave it to the fellow, saying, I pray thee remember me to my poore John, and give him this sute of clothes, and five [pg 169] shillings from me, and wrapt them up in a Fardle,101 which the fellow took, and away he went. Presently her husband came home, and found her very pleasant and merry, singing up and downe the house, which she seldome used to doe, and he asked her the cause, Oh, husband, quoth she, I have heard from my old John to-day, he is in Paradise, and is very well, but wants clothes and mony, but I have sent him thy best sute, and five shillings in mony. Her husband seeing she was cozened, enquired of her which way the fellow went that had them. Yonder way, quoth she: he presently took his best horse, Hob, and rode after him for the clothes. The fellow seeing one ride so fast after him, threw the clothes into a ditch, and went softly forward; her husband overtaking the fellow, said, Didst not see one go this way with a little fardle of clothes at his back? Yes, quoth the fellow, he is newly gone into yonder little Wood. Oh, hold my horse, quoth he, whilst I runne in and finde him out. I will, quoth the fellow, who presently, as soon as he was gone into the wood, took up his fardell, leapt on horseback, and away he went: The Man returning for his horse, his horse was gone; then going home to his wife, she asked him if he overtook the fellow. I, sweet heart, quoth he, and I have lent him my best horse to ride on, for it is a great long way to Paradise. Truly, husband, quoth she, and I shall love thee the better so long as I live, for making so much of my old John. Which caused much good laughter to all that heard it.
[52.] A poor man traveling door to door begging, having just come from Paris, a city in France, was drawn by hunger to a kind countryman's door to ask for alms. His wife asked him who he was and where he came from. The man said, “From Paris.” “From Paradise,” she replied, “then you know my late husband, John?” “Yes, I do,” said the man. “How is he doing?” she asked. “Honestly,” he replied, “he's poor; he has enough food and drink but lacks clothes and money.” “Oh dear,” she said, “I'm sorry to hear that. Please wait here a moment.” She ran up to her room, fetched her husband’s new suit of clothes, and five shillings in cash, then gave them to the man, saying, “Please remember me to my poor John, and give him this suit of clothes and five shillings from me,” wrapping them up in a bundle. The man took it and left. Soon after, her husband came home and found her unusually cheerful, singing around the house, something she rarely did. He asked her what was going on. “Oh, husband,” she said, “I heard from my old John today; he is in Paradise and doing well, but he needs clothes and money. I've sent him your best suit and five shillings.” Her husband, realizing she had been tricked, asked which way the man had gone. “That way,” she said. He quickly took his best horse, Hob, and rode after him to retrieve the clothes. The man seeing someone riding after him quickly tossed the clothes into a ditch and continued on slowly. When the husband caught up with the man, he asked, “Did you see someone go this way with a little bundle of clothes?” “Yes,” replied the man, “he just went into that little wood.” “Oh, hold my horse while I run in and find him,” the husband said. “Sure,” answered the man, and as soon as the husband went into the wood, he picked up the bundle, jumped on the horse, and rode off. The husband returned to find his horse was gone. He then went home to his wife, who asked if he caught up with the man. “Yes, sweetheart,” he said, “I lent him my best horse to ride on since it’s quite a long way to Paradise.” “Well, husband,” she replied, “I’ll love you even more for that as long as I live, for your kindness to my old John.” This made everyone who heard it laugh heartily. [pg 169] 101
101 A bundle.
A pack.
And as he strucke, he forth-with caught a fall:
And as he hit, he immediately took a fall:
The boy deriding said, I doe averre,
The boy mockingly said, "I do declare."
Y'have done a thing, you cannot stand to, Sir.
You’ve done something you can’t handle, Sir.
[32.] What is that goeth about the wood and cannot get in?
[32.] What wanders around the woods and can’t get in?
Solution. It is the bark of a tree, for never is the bark within the tree, but alwayes without.
Solution. It’s the bark of a tree, because the bark is never inside the tree, but always outside.
The country-mans lamentation for the death of his cow.
A Country Swain, of little wit, one day,
A country guy, not very bright, one day,
Did kill his Cow, because she went astray:
Did kill his cow because she went astray:
What's that to I or You, she was his own,
What's that to me or you? She was his own.
But now the Ass for his Cow doth moan:
But now the donkey is groaning for his cow:
Most piteously methink he cries in vain,
Most pitifully, I think he cries out in vain,
For now his Cow's free from hunger and pain:
For now, his cow is free from hunger and pain:
What ails the fool to make so great a stir,
What’s bothering the fool to make such a big fuss,
She cannot come to him, he may to her.
She can’t go to him, but he can come to her.
To a pleasant Country Tune, called Colly my Cow.
To a nice country song called Colly my Cow.
what dost thou mean,
what do you mean,
To kill thy poor Colly,
To kill your poor Colly,
now she's so lean:
now she's so fit:
Sing Oh poor Colly,
Sing Oh poor Colly,
Colly my Cow,
Milk My Cow,
For Colly will give me
For Colly will give me
no more milk now.
no milk left now.
Pruh high, pruh hoe,
Pruh high, pruh hoe,
Pruh high, pruh, hoe,
Pruh high, pruh, hoe,
Pruh, Pruh, pruh, pruh, pruh, pruh, pruh,
Pruh, Pruh, pruh, pruh, pruh, pruh, pruh,
Tal lal daw.
Tal lal daw.
I had better have kept her,
I should have held on to her.
till fatter she had been,
until she got fatter,
For now I confess,
For now, I admit,
she's a little too lean:
she's a bit too skinny
Sing Oh &c—
Sing Oh &c—
First in comes the Tanner,
Here comes the Tanner,
with his Sword by his side,
with his sword by his side,
And he bids me five Shillings,
And he offers me five shillings,
for my Cow's Hide:
for my cowhide:
Sing Oh &c
Sing Oh & etc.
Then in comes the Tallow Chandler,
Then the Tallow Chandler walks in,
whose brains were but shallow,
whose brains were just shallow,
And he bids me two and Six-pence,
And he offers me two shillings and sixpence,
for my Cows Tallow:
for my beef tallow:
Sing Oh &c
Sing Oh etc.
Then in comes the Huntsman
Then the Huntsman arrives
so early in the Morn,
so early in the morning,
He bid me a Penny
He offered me a penny
for my Cow's horn:
for my cow horn:
Sing Oh &c
Sing Oh & Co
Then in comes the Tripe-Woman
Then in comes the Tripe Lady
so fine and so neat,
so cool and so tidy,
She bid me three halfpence
She offered me three halfpennies.
for my Cow's feet;
for my cow's hooves;
Sing Oh &c—
Sing Oh, etc.—
Then in comes the Butcher
Then the Butcher arrives
that nimble tongu'd Youth
that quick-tongued Youth
Who said she was Carrion,
Who said she was Carrion?
but he spoke not the truth:
but he did not tell the truth:
Sing Oh &c
Sing Oh & Co
This Cow had a Skin
This cow had skin.
was as soft as the silk,
was as smooth as silk,
And three times a day
And three times a day
my poor Cow would give Milk:
my poor Cow would give Milk:
Sing Oh &c—
Sing Oh & others—
She every year
She every year
a fine Calf me did bring,
a nice calf brought me,
Which fetcht me a pound,
Which gets me a pound,
for it came in the spring:
for it came in the spring:
Sing Oh &c
Sing Oh & etc.
But now I have kill'd her,
But now I have killed her,
I can't her recall,
I can't remember her,
I will sell my poor Colly,
I will sell my poor Colly,
hide, horns and all:
hide, horns and all:
Sing Oh &c
Sing Oh & Co.
The Butcher shall have her,
The Butcher will have her,
though he gives but a pound;
though he gives only a pound;
And he knows in his heart
And he knows inside
that my Colly was sound;
that my Collie was healthy;
Sing Oh &c
Sing Oh & etc.
And when he has bought her,
And when he has bought her,
let him sell all together,
let him sell everything together,
The flesh for to eat,
The meat to eat,
and the hide for leather:
and the leather hide:
Sing Oh &c—
Sing Oh & etc.—
FINIS.
THE END.
Printed for C. Passinger, at the seven stars in the New Buildings on London-bridge—
Printed for C. Passinger, at the Seven Stars in the New Buildings on London Bridge—
[17.] A Miser having a sheep stolen from him, by a poor man, would needs send him to Prison, saying there was not so damn'd a Rogue in the World; Pray, Sir, said he, remember yourself, and be good to me—
[17.] A miser who had a sheep stolen from him by a poor man insisted on sending him to prison, claiming there wasn't a more despicable rogue in the world. "Please, sir," the poor man said, remember yourself, and be kind to me—
[12.]A Glass, when a G
A Glass, when a G
Is took away, I.C.
Is taken away, I.C.
Is a Lass, I mean of the Game,
Is a girl, I mean of the game,
Put L too away,
Keep L out of the way,
What is't then, I pray,
What is it then, please,
Why, an Ass, and you are the same.
Why, you’re just like a donkey.
[4.] A Nobleman having a mind to be merry, sent for his Chaplain, and told him, That, unless he could resolve him these three Questions, he should be discarded, and turn'd out of his Service; but if he cou'd, he shou'd have Thirty Guinneys, and the best Horse in his Stable; So he propos'd the Questions to him, which were these; First, what compass the World was about? Secondly, How deep the Sea was? And Thirdly, What he thought? The Poor Chaplain was in a peck of Troubles, and did not know how to answer them, or what to say, thinking them very unreasonable Questions; so that all he could do was to desire a little time to consider upon them, which the Earl granted. So he going along the Fields one day very melancholy, a Cobler of the Town, a Merry Fellow (who was very like the Chaplain, both in Physiognomy and Stature) met him, and ask'd him the reason of his sadness; which with some Reluctancy he told him: O Sir, says the Cobler, don't be dejected, chear up; I've thought of a device to save your Place, and get you the Money and Horse too; but you shall give me Ten Guinneys for my pains. So he agreed to't; and it was thus: Says he, I'll put on your Cloaths, and go to My Lord, and answer his Questions. Accordingly he went, and when he came before him, he answer'd him thus: To the first Question, What Compass the World was about? He answered, It was four and twenty hours Journey; and if a man could keep pace with the Sun, he could easily go it in that time. To the Second, How deep the Sea was? He answer'd Only a stone's throw; for cast it into the deepest place of it, and in time it will come to the bottom. To the third (which I fancy your Lordship thinks the most difficult to be resolv'd, but is indeed the easiest) which is; What your Lordship thinks? I answer, That you think I am your Chaplain, when as indeed I am but [pg 174] the Cobler of Gloucester. The Nobleman was so pleas'd with his witty Answers, that he perform'd his Promise to his Chaplain, and gave the Cobler Ten Guinneys for his Ingenuity.
[4.] A nobleman wanting to have some fun called for his chaplain and told him that unless he could answer three questions, he would be let go from his service. But if he could, he would receive thirty guineas and the best horse in the stable. He then posed the questions: First, what is the world shaped like? Second, how deep is the sea? And third, what do you think? The poor chaplain was in a bit of a panic and didn't know how to respond to these seemingly unreasonable questions. All he could do was ask for some time to think, which the earl granted. One day, while walking through the fields feeling down, he ran into a cobbler from town, a cheerful guy who looked a lot like the chaplain in both appearance and build. The cobbler asked him why he was so sad, and after some hesitation, the chaplain explained his predicament. "Oh sir," said the cobbler, "don't be disheartened! I've got a plan to save your job and help you get the money and horse too, but you’ll need to give me ten guineas for my trouble." The chaplain agreed, and the cobbler said, "I'll wear your clothes and go to the lord to answer his questions." So he did, and when he stood before the nobleman, he replied to the first question, What is the world shaped like? with, It’s a twenty-four-hour journey; if a man could keep up with the sun, he could make it in that time. For the second question, How deep is the sea? he said, Only a stone's throw; if you throw one into the deepest part, it will eventually reach the bottom. For the third question, which I bet your lordship thinks is the hardest, but is really the easiest, What do you think? he responded, I think you believe I am your chaplain, but in reality, I’m just [pg 174] the cobbler of Gloucester. The nobleman was so delighted with his clever answers that he fulfilled his promise to the chaplain and gave the cobbler ten guineas for his creativity.
Expecting life, that could not chuse but die:
Expecting life, which could not help but die:
His Foole came to him, and intreated thus.
His fool came to him and pleaded like this.
Good Maister, ere you goe away from us,
Good Master, before you go away from us,
Bestowe on Jacke (that oft hath made you laffe)
Bestow on Jack (who has often made you laugh)
Against he waxeth old, your Walking-Staffe,—
Against he grows old, your walking stick,—
I will, (quoth he) goe take it, there it is:
I will, he said, go get it, there it is:
But on condition, Jacke, which shall be this,
But with this condition, Jacke, which will be this,
If thou doe meete with any while thou live,
If you meet anyone while you live,
More foole than thou, the Staffe thou shalt him give.
More of a fool than you, the staff you shall give him.
Maister, (sayd he) upon my life I will;
Maister, (he said) I swear I will;
But I doe hope that I shall keepe it still.
But I do hope that I will keep it still.
When Death drew neere, and faintness did proceed,
When death approached and weakness set in,
His Maister called for a Devine with speed,
His master called for a divine quickly,
For to prepare him unto Heaven's way.
For preparing him for the way to Heaven.
The Foole starts up, and hastily did say,
The Fool jumps up and quickly says,
Oh Maister, Maister, take your Staffe againe,
Oh Master, Master, take your staff again,
That proove your selfe the most Foole of us twaine;
That proves you're the biggest fool of the two of us;
Have you now liv'd some foure-score yeares and odd,
Have you really lived for about eighty years and a bit more,
And all this time, are unprepared for God:
And all this time, we're unprepared for God:
What greater Foole can any meete withall,
What greater fool can anyone encounter,
Than one that's ready in the Grave to fall,
Than one that's ready in the grave to fall,
And is to seeke about his soules estate,
And is to look into the state of his soul,
When Death is op'ning of the Prison Gate?
When is Death opening the Prison Gate?
Beare Witnesse friends, that I discharge me plaine;
Be my witness, friends, that I’m being straightforward;
Heere Maister, heere, receive your Staffe againe:
Heere Maister, heere, take your staff back:
Upon the same condition I did take it,
Upon the same condition I took it,
According as you will'd me, I forsake it:
As you wanted me to, I give it up:
And over and above, I will bestow,
And on top of that, I will give,
This Epitaph, which shall your folly show.
This epitaph will reveal your foolishness.
Heere lyes a man, at death did Heaven clayme,
Here lies a man, at death Heaven claimed,
But in his life, he never sought the same.
But in his life, he never looked for the same thing.
[26.] A Lady in this Kingdom hearing that a Lady, that was a Person of Quality, did much long for Oysters, she then [pg 175] sent a Foot-man of hers, that was an Irish Man, to the said Lady with a Barrel of Oysters, and as he was going, he met an Arch Wag by the way, who askt him whither he was going? Then he told him: "O. Donniel, says he, you must gut them before you go, or else they will Poyson the Lady; I Predde,102 says he, show me how to do it. So the Fellow took them and opened them, and took out all the Oysters and put them into a Wooden Dish that was by, and then put all the Shells again into the Barrell: Now, says he, you may carry them, for they are all gutted: E. Fait,103 said Donniel, for this kindness, I'll give thee a pint of Wine out of the Vails that I shall have of my Lady: but I know not how they were accepted.
[26.] A lady in this kingdom heard that another lady, who was of high status, really wanted oysters. So, she sent one of her footmen, an Irishman, to deliver a barrel of oysters to her. On his way, he ran into a playful guy who asked him where he was headed. The footman replied, "Oh, Donniel," and the guy said, "You need to gut them before you go, or they might poison the lady; I insist," 102 he added. The footman asked him to show him how to do it. So, the guy took the oysters, opened them, removed all the meat, and placed it into a wooden dish nearby, then put all the shells back into the barrel. "Now," he said, "you can carry them since they're all gutted." E. Fait,103 Donniel replied, "For this favor, I’ll give you a pint of wine from the tips I’ll receive from my lady," but I'm not sure how it was received.
102 Ay, prithee.
Hey, please.
103 I'faith.
I swear.
[12.]A man found his Wife
A man found his wife.
To be idle all her Life,
To be lazy her whole life,
Then he beat her very sore;
Then he hurt her a lot;
I did nothing, says she,
I did nothing, she says,
I know it, says he,
I know it, he says,
Which makes me to beat you therefore.
Which makes me want to beat you, therefore.
[32.] What is that no man would have, and yet when he hath it, will not forgoe it?
[32.] What is something that no man wants, yet once he has it, he won't give it up?
Solution. It is a broken head, or such like, for no man would gladly have a broken head, and yet when he hath it, he would be loth to loose his head, though it be broken.
Solution. It's a messed up situation, or something like that, because no one actually wants to have a broken head, but once they have it, they'd be really hesitant to lose their head, even if it's damaged.
On a certaine present sent from an Archbishop to his friend.
Englished thus.
There was in a dish, sent me a fish, from an Arch bish
There was a dish sent to me with a fish from an archbishop.
Hop I will not put heere, because hee sent me noe beere.
Hop I will not put here, because he didn’t send me any beer.
NEWES FROM MORE-LANE.
or
or
A mad, knavish, and uncivil Frolick of a Tapster dwelling there, who buying a fat Coult for Eighteen pence, the Mare being dead and he not knowing how to bring the Coult up by hand, killed it, and had it baked in a Pastie, and invited many of his Neighbours to the Feast and telling of them what it was: the Conceit thereof made them all Sick, as by the following ditty you shall hear.
A crazy, crafty, and rude bartender living there bought a fat colt for eighteen pence. When the mare died and he didn't know how to raise the colt by hand, he killed it, had it baked in a pie, and invited many of his neighbors to the feast, telling them what it was. The thought of it made them all sick, as you will hear in the following song.
The Tapster fil'd the Cup up to the brim,
The bartender filled the cup to the top,
And all to make the little Coult to swim;
And all to make the little Coult swim;
But all that heares it sayes that for his gaine,
But everyone who hears it says that it's for his benefit,
He is no better than a Wagg in graine.
He is no better than a lowly servant.
The Tune is, A Health to the best of Men.
that did a Pasty make,
that made a pasty,
All People doe of him complaine,
Everyone complains about him,
now for his grosse mistake:
now for his big mistake:
Hee instead of Venson fine
Hee instead of Venson cool
a good fat Coult did kill,
a good fat Coult did kill,
And put in store of Clarret Wine,
And stock up on Claret wine,
his humour to fullfill.
his humor to fulfill.
A Peck of Flower at the least,
A Peck of Flower at the least,
with six pound of Butter,
with six pounds of butter,
Hee made his Nighbours such a Feast
He made his neighbors such a feast
and bid them all to supper:
and invite them all to dinner:
A curious fine fat Colt it was,
A curious, plump colt it was,
and handled daintily:
and handled delicately:
The Tapster prov'd himself an Asse,
The Tapster proved himself a fool,
for this his knavery.
for this deceit.
Likewise there was a Baker too,
Likewise, there was a baker too,
that lived in that place,
that lived there,
And he was a pertaker too,
And he was a participant too,
I speak in his disgrace:
I speak in his shame:
For he found Flower to make it,
For he found Flower to create it,
I speak not in his praise,
I’m not speaking in his favor,
And afterwards did bake it,
And then baked it,
his knavery for to raise.
his deceit to gain leverage.
Likewise there was a Carman too
Likewise, there was a car driver too.
and he found Butter for it,
and he found butter for it,
But when the Knavery Neighbours knew
But when the tricky neighbors found out
they could not but abhor it;
they couldn't help but hate it;
And then there was a Cooke, Sir,
And then there was a Cooke, Sir,
at More gate doth he dwell,
at More gate he stays,
And he then under tooke, Sir,
And then he took on, Sir,
to make the Pasty well.
to make the pasty properly.
Some say it eate as mellow then
Some say it tasted as mellow then
as any little chick,
like any little chick,
But I tell thee, good-fellow; then
But I tell you, my friend; then
it made the Neighbours sick:
it made the neighbors sick:
The Tapster had his humour,
The bartender had his humor,
but the Neighbours had the worst,
but the neighbors had the worst,
Yet I doe hear they had good Beere
Yet I do hear they had good beer.
and dainty Pastry crust.
and delicate pastry crust.
Then every joviall Blade, Sir,
Then every cheerful Blade, Sir,
that lived in that place,
that lived there,
Their Money freely paid, Sir,
Their money has been paid, Sir.
they scorned to be bace:
they refused to be base:
They cal'd for Beere, likewise for Ale
They called for beer, as well as for ale.
because the Coult should swim,
because the Coult should swim,
And of the Cup they would not faile,
And they would not fail to drink from the Cup,
but fil'd it to the brim.
but filled it to the brim.
The Car-mans Wife cry'd out and said
The carman's wife cried out and said
troath 'tis good Meat indeed,
truly, it's good meat indeed,
So likewise said the Chamber-maid,
The maid said the same,
when she on it did feed.
when she consumed it.
The Tapster bid them welcome then,
The bartender welcomed them then,
and Wea-Hae did he cry
and Wea-Hae did he weep
You are all welcome, Gentlemen,
You're all welcome, guys,
you'r welcome hartily.
you're welcome, sincerely.
The Glover's Wife was in a heat,
The Glover's Wife was in a heat,
and did both pout and mump,
and pouted and sulked,
Because they would not let her eat
Because they wouldn't let her eat
the Buttock and the Rump.
the Butt and the Booty.
As for the merry Weaver's Wife,
As for the cheerful Weaver's Wife,
I will give her her due,
I will give her what she deserves,
She spent her Coyne to end the strife
She used her Coyne to put an end to the conflict.
among that joviall Crew.
among that joyful crew.
This Colt was not so wholsome though
This Colt wasn't so wholesome, though.
as was a good fat Hogg,
as was a good fat Hog,
Yet one came in and told the crew
Yet one came in and told the crew
it was a mangie Dogg!
it was a mangy dog!
But he that told them was to blame,
But the person who told them was at fault,
and was but a silly Dolt,
and was just a silly fool,
The Tapster bid him peace for Shame
The Tapster wished him peace for his embarrassment.
for 'twas a good fat Colt.
for it was a good fat Colt.
The Colt he cost me eighteen pence,
The Colt cost me eighteen pence,
the Tapster he did say,
the bartender said,
I hope good Folks 'ere you goe hence,
I hope good people here, you go on your way,
you for your Meate will pay.
you will pay for your food.
Pox take you for a Rogue quoth one,
Pox take you for a rogue, said one,
another, he fel'd oaks,
another, he felled oaks,
Another said he was undone!
Another said he was done!
'twas worse than Harty Choaks.
it was worse than Harty Choaks.
The Porter he did give nine pence
The porter gave him nine pence.
to have it in a Pye,
to have it in a Pie,
The People ere they went from thence
The people before they left there
did feed most hartily:
ate heartily:
It was the joviall Baker,
It was the cheerful Baker,
and knavish Tapster too,
and tricky bartender too,
The Car-man was pertaker
The Car-man was a participant.
was not this a Joviall crew.
wasn't this a lively group.
The Potecary he was there,
The Apothecary was there,
Farr and the Sexton too,
Farr and the Sexton as well,
The Tapster put them in great fear,
The Tapster instilled a lot of fear in them,
he made them for to spue.
he made them to spit out.
Now was not this a knave ingrain,
Now, wasn't this a true scoundrel?
to use his Neighbours so,
to use his neighbors like this,
When knaves are scarce, hee'l go for twain,
When scoundrels are rare, he’ll go for two,
good People, what think you.
Good people, what do you think?
The Tapster he came in at last,
The bartender finally came in,
and gave the People vomits,
and made the people vomit,
I hope, (quoth he,) the worst is past,
I hope, he said, the worst is over,
I have eased your foule Stomacks;
I have calmed your foul stomachs;
Wea-hea cry'd the Tapster then,
Wea-hea cried the bartender then,
how doe you like my sport,
how do you like my sport,
The Women said, so did the Men,
The women said, so did the men,
the Devill take you for't.
the Devil will take you for it.
At Brainford as I heard some say
At Brainford, as I heard some say
a mangie Dog was eate:
a mangy dog was eaten:
This was not halfe so bad as that,
This wasn't anywhere near as bad as that,
and yet the fault was great:
and yet the mistake was serious:
Men of good fashon then was there
Men of good fashion were there.
that went both fine and brave
that was both good and bold
Now all do say, that this doth heare,
Now everyone says that this hears,
the Tapster is a knave.
the Tapster is a rogue.
FINIS.
FINIS.
London, Printed for William Gammon, and to be sould in Smithfield.
London, Printed for William Gammon, and to be sold in Smithfield.
[61.] There fell a great dispute betwixt Jockey a Scotchman, and Jenkin a Welch man, and the subject of it was about the fruitfullnesse of their Countries, and thus Jockey began. There was not a braver, fruitfuller Country in the world than Leith in Scotland: The Welch man answered him again, Picot, that was false, for there was no place so full of all sorts of fruite, as was in Wales. Jockey replyed again, that he knew a piece of ground in Scotland where the grass grew up so suddenly that if you throw a Staff in it over night, in that time the pasture would so over grow it, that you could not see it again the next morning. But Jenkin hearing this, with a great Scorne made him this answer, Py Saint Taffe that the throwing so small a thing as a Staff was nothing, for (quoth Shinkin) we have divers pieces of Cround in our Contry, that if you turn your Horse into them, you shall not see him next Morning.
[61.] There was a big argument between Jockey, a Scotsman, and Jenkin, a Welshman. They were debating the fertility of their countries, and Jockey started it off. He claimed there was no better or more fertile place in the world than Leith in Scotland. The Welshman quickly replied, calling that false, saying Wales was full of all kinds of fruit. Jockey countered that he knew a piece of land in Scotland where the grass grew so fast that if you threw a stick in overnight, by morning it would be completely overgrown and you wouldn't see it again. But Jenkin, hearing this, responded with great scorn, saying, "By Saint Taffe, throwing something as small as a stick isn’t impressive at all! In our country, we have various pieces of land that if you let your horse into them, you won’t see him by morning."
With their Wives now we see
With their wives now we see
Men now are more Learn'd, and do brawl;
Men today are more educated and do argue;
Tis false Concord we see
It's false Concord we see.
For the Masculine to agree
For the Man to agree
With the Feminine Gender at all.
With the feminine gender at all.
[26.] Says a Fellow that had lost one of his Ears at Newcastle, for no goodness 'tis thought; when one told him a Story, 'Tis in at one ear and out at t'other. By my truth, says the other, then there's a great deal of wonder in the travel of these Tales, for thy two Ears be two hundred Miles asunder.
[26.] Says a guy who lost one of his ears at Newcastle, and not for anything good, it seems; when someone told him a story, he remarked, “It goes in one ear and out the other.” The other guy replied, “Well, that’s pretty amazing considering your ears are two hundred miles apart.”
[52.] A Certaine Gentleman in Lincolneshire, being also a Justice of Peace, had an old servant many yeares called Adam Milford, who upon a time came unto his Master, and desired him, in regard that he had been his servant so many yeares, hee would now give him somthing to help him in his old age. Thou sayest true, quoth his Master, and I will tell thee what I will doe. Now shortly am I to ride up to London; if thou wilt pay my costs & charges by the way, I will give thee, ere long, such a thing as shall be worth to thee an hundred pounds. I am content, quoth Adam, and so payed for all their reckoning by the way. Being come to London, hee put his Master in mind of his former promise that he had made to him. What did I promise thee anything? Yes, quoth Adam, that you did; for you said you would give me that which should be worth to me an hundred pounds, for bearing your Charges to London. Let me see your writing, quoth his Master. I have none, quoth Adam. Then thou art like to have nothing, quoth his Master; And learne this of me, that when thou makest a bargain with any man, looke thou take a Writing, and beware how thou makest a Writing to any man. This hath availed me an hundred pounds in my dayes. When Adam saw there was no remedy, he was content; but when they should depart Adam stayed behind his Master to reckon with his Hostis, and on his Masters Scarlet cloake borrowed so much mony, as came to all their charges he had laid out by the way. His Master had not ridden past two miles, but it began to raine apace: wherefore he called for his cloake. His other men made answer that Adam was behinde, and had it with him. So they shrowded them under a tree, till Adam came. When he came, his Master said all angerly, Thou knave, come give me my cloak: hast thou not served me well, to let me be thus wet? Truely, Sir, (quoth Adam) I have laid it to pawne for all your charges by the way. Why, knave, quoth he, didst thou not promise me to beare my charges to London? Did I? quoth Adam; I, quoth his Master, that thou didst. Let's see, shew me your writing of it, quoth Adam. Whereupon, his Master perceiving he was over-reacht by his man, was fain to send for his cloak againe, and pay the money.
[52.] A certain gentleman in Lincolnshire, who was also a Justice of the Peace, had an old servant named Adam Milford. One day, Adam approached his master and asked for something to help him in his old age, considering he had been his servant for so many years. "You're right," replied his master, "and I'll tell you what I’ll do. I need to ride up to London soon; if you cover my travel expenses along the way, I will give you something worth a hundred pounds." "I agree," said Adam, and he paid for all their expenses on the journey. Once they reached London, Adam reminded his master of the promise he had made. "Did I promise you anything?" the master asked. "Yes," replied Adam, "you said you would give me something worth a hundred pounds for covering your travel costs to London." "Let me see your writing," said his master. "I don't have any," replied Adam. "Then you're likely to get nothing," said his master. "Learn this from me: whenever you make a deal with someone, make sure to get it in writing, and be careful how you write something for someone else. This has saved me a hundred pounds in my day." When Adam realized there was no other option, he accepted it. However, when they were about to leave, Adam stayed back to settle his bill with the innkeeper and borrowed money against his master's scarlet cloak to cover all the expenses he had paid. His master had only ridden two miles when it began to rain heavily, so he called for his cloak. His other men replied that Adam was behind and had it with him. They sheltered under a tree until Adam arrived. When he came, his master angrily said, "You scoundrel, come give me my cloak: haven’t you served me well by letting me get soaked?" "Actually, sir," Adam replied, "I’ve pawned it for all your travel expenses." "You scoundrel," said his master, "didn't you promise to cover my expenses to London?" "Did I?" replied Adam. "Yes, you did," said his master. "Let’s see, show me your writing about it," said Adam. At that moment, realizing he had been outsmarted by his servant, the master had no choice but to send for his cloak back and pay the money.
There was a singular mania in this century for chronograms, or making up dates out of words, which will be best explained in the annexed example. Jas. Hilton, Esq., has by dint of vast trouble and research, been enabled to collect a large quantity of these, and his book104 (of which only a very limited number were printed) will well repay the perusal of the curious.
There was a unique craze in this century for chronograms, or creating dates from words, which is best shown in the example attached. Jas. Hilton, Esq., through extensive effort and research, has managed to gather a substantial collection of these, and his book104 (of which only a very limited number were printed) is definitely worth reading for those who are interested.
Chronogramma. Anno 1628. obiit
GeorgIVs DVX BVCkInghaMIæ
Duke-murthering Fate & his untimely end,
Duke-murdering Fate & his unexpected downfall,
Constrain'd to die, that would have liv'd & fought
Constrained to die, that would have lived & fought
Xantippus like, but that fell Felton brought
Xantippus liked, but that failed Felton brought.
Vncertaine quick105 to a certaine end.
Vncertaine quick__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ to a certain end.
Vaine are designes, where one doth of his freind
Vain are designs, where one does of his friend
Vsurpe too much, him you doe countermine
Vsurpe too much, you undermine him.
In breife the world applaudes this last designe.
In short, the world praises this latest design.
It was his death, but now hee's dead & gone
It was his death, but now he's dead and gone.
Ill having heard of many, felt but one.
Ill having heard of many, felt but one.
The date 1628 can be easily made by adding the Roman numerals, which are represented by the capital letters.
The year 1628 can be easily formed by adding the Roman numerals, which are represented by the capital letters.
104 Brit. Mus. Catalogue, 11905, a. a. 8. Hilton, Jas., Chronograms; Lond., 1882, 8vo.
104 British Museum Catalogue, 11905, a. a. 8. Hilton, Jas., Chronograms; London, 1882, 8vo.
105 Life.
Life.
[17.] One having a scoulding Wife, swore he would drown himself. She followed him desiring him to forbear, or at least to let her speak with him. Speak quickly then, says he: Pray Husband, if you will needs drown your self, take my counsel to goe into a deep place; for it would grieve my heart to see you long a dying; with that the Fellow came back again and went to the Indies.
[17.] One guy with a nagging wife swore he would drown himself. She followed him, asking him to stop, or at least let her talk to him. "Speak quickly then," he said. "Please, husband, if you really want to drown yourself, take my advice and go to a deep spot; it would break my heart to see you take a long time to die." Hearing this, the guy turned back and went to the Indies.
[52.] Coomes of Stapforth hearing that his wife was drowned comming from market went with certaine of his friends to see if they could finde her in the River; he, contrary to all [pg 183] the rest, sought his wife against the streame: which, they perceiving, said, He lookt the wrong way. And why so? (quoth he) Because (quoth they) you should look down the streame, and not against it. Nay (quoth he) I shall never finde her that way: for she did all things so Contrary in her lifetime, that now she is dead, I am sure she will goe against the streame.
[52.] Coomes of Stapforth heard that his wife had drowned while coming back from the market. He went with some friends to see if they could find her in the river. Unlike the others, he searched upstream. When they noticed, they said, "He’s looking the wrong way." "And why is that?" he asked. "Because," they replied, "you should look downstream, not upstream." "No," he said, "I will never find her that way. She did everything so contrary in her life that now she’s gone, I’m sure she’ll go against the stream."
Know each other now and then
Know each other now and then
Yet never the knowledge could get
Yet the knowledge could never be attained
Of any Man before
Of any man before
Though known many a score,
Though known for many years,
That ever knew himself yet.
That ever knew himself.
[4.] Doctor Fuller overtook one Mr Woodcock upon the Road, falling into Discourse in a facetious manner, ask'd him what difference there was between a Woodcock and an Owl, (supposing Mr Woodcock had not known him). He wittily replyed, That an Owl was Fuller in the Head, Fuller in the Face, Fuller in the Eyes, Fuller in the Neck, and Fuller all over.
[4.] Doctor Fuller passed by a Mr Woodcock on the road and started chatting casually. He asked him what the difference was between a Woodcock and an Owl, assuming Mr Woodcock didn’t recognize him. Mr Woodcock cleverly responded, That an Owl is rounder in the head, rounder in the face, rounder in the eyes, rounder in the neck, and rounder all over.
On Anne Angel marrying a Lawyer.
Some wall might hitte his face a box o' th' eare,
Some wall might hit his face a slap to the ear,
Strecht out his armes, yt if such danger Came,
Stretched out his arms, if such danger came,
His hands might from his face avert ye same.
His hands might turn away from his face.
At last betwixt his armes there came a post,
At last, a messenger arrived in his arms,
Which hitte his nose, and stroke him downe almost;
Which hit him on the nose and knocked him down almost;
Pluter of nayles, quoth he, I did not know
Pluter of nails, he said, I didn't know.
My nose was longer than my armes till now.
My nose has been longer than my arms until now.
The accompanying illustration is taken for its quaintness and as an example of caricature, the tract itself hardly repaying perusal.
The illustration included here is appreciated for its uniqueness and serves as an example of caricature; the pamphlet itself is hardly worth reading.
On Me? heaping Indignities
On Me? insulting treatment
On one that never injur'd thee?
On someone who never hurt you?
Some-Body—My Words and Acts hurt No-Body:
Somebody—My words and actions hurt Nobody:
No-Body—Som-Body hath belied me much,
No one—somebody has lied to me a lot,
No-Body sure hath cause to grutch.
No one really has reason to complain.
SomeBody NoBody
Somebody Nobody
[52.] A certain rich Farmer having lain long sick in Norfolk, at last sent for a Physitian from the next Market Towne: who when he came, he felt his pulses, and viewed his water, & then told them, That he could by no means, nor physick escape, the disease had so much power in his body, and so went his way. Within a while after, by God's good help (who is the only giver of all health) the man escaped and was well againe, and walking abroad, being still very weak and feeble, he met with his Physitian, who, being very sore afraid to see him, asks him, if he were not such a Farmer; Yes, truely (quoth he) I am: Art thou alive or dead? (quoth he) Dead (quoth he) I am; and because I have experience of many things, God hath sent me to take up all Physitians I can get: which made the Physitian quiver and quake, and looke as [pg 185] pale as ashes for feare. Nay feare not quoth the Farmer, though I named all the Physitians, yet I meant thee for none: for I am sure a verier dunce lives not this day, than thou art: and then I should be a foole to take thee for one, that art more fit to give dogges physicke than men, and so he left him: but the Physitian never left quaking till he was out of his Patients Sight.
[52.] A wealthy farmer had been seriously ill in Norfolk for a long time and finally summoned a doctor from the nearby market town. When the doctor arrived, he took the farmer's pulse, examined his urine, and then told them that there was no way to treat the illness; it had taken such a strong hold on his body that he would not survive. With that, he left. Not long after, by God's grace (the ultimate source of all health), the farmer recovered and was doing well again. While out for a walk, still feeling very weak and frail, he ran into his doctor, who was terrified to see him. The doctor asked if he was indeed the farmer he thought he was. "Yes, that's me," replied the farmer. "Are you alive or dead?" the doctor asked. "Dead," the farmer said. "And since I have experience in many things, God has sent me to call out every doctor I can find." This made the doctor quiver and tremble, looking pale as ash from fear. "Don't be scared," the farmer said. "Even though I named all the doctors, I didn't mean you. I'm sure there's no greater fool alive today than you. It would be foolish of me to think you could help, as you’re more suited to give medicine to dogs than to people." With that, he walked away, but the doctor kept shaking until he was out of the farmer's sight.
To my Booke-seller.
[70.]Thou that mak'st gaine thy end, and wisely well,
[70.]You who make profit your goal, and do it wisely,
Call'st a booke good, or bad, as it doth sell,
Call a book good or bad based on how well it sells,
Use mine so, too; I give thee leave. But crave
Use mine as well; I give you permission. But I ask
For the luck's sake, it this much favour have.
For luck's sake, it has this much favor.
To lye upon thy stall, till it be sought;
To lie on your bed, until someone comes looking for you;
Not offer'd, as it made sute to be bought;
Not offered, as it tried to get purchased;
Nor have my title-leafe on posts, or walls,
Nor have my title leaf on posts, or walls,
Or in cleft-sticks, advanced to make calls
Or in tough situations, ready to make calls
For termers,106 or some clarke-like serving-man,
For people on temporary assignments,106 or some service worker like Clarke,
Who scarse can spell th' hard names; whose knight lesse can.
Who can barely spell the difficult names; whose knight can do even less.
If, without these vile arts, it will not sell,
If it won't sell without these nasty tricks,
106 Nares defines thus, "Termer, a person, whether male or female, who resorted to London in term time only, for the sake of tricks to be practised or intrigues to be carried on at that period;" as in Decker's Belman, "Some of these boothalers are called termers, and they ply Westminster Hall; Michaelmas term is their harvest, and they sweat in it harder than reapers doe at their works in the heat of summer."
106 Nares defines it this way, "Term, a person, regardless of gender, who comes to London only during term time to engage in tricks or schemes during that period;" as mentioned in Decker's Belman, "Some of these booth workers are called termers, and they operate around Westminster Hall; Michaelmas term is their busy season, and they work harder during it than harvesters do in the summer heat."
107 To wrap up spices or drugs. We should now say, "Send it to the butterman."
107 To wrap up spices or drugs. We should now say, "Send it to the butter dealer."
[61.] Two gentlemen met upon the Road, betwixt Ware and London, the one was a wild young Gallant who had more means than Manners, the other a very grave discreet and temperate Citizen of London; who considering his own yeares, conceived that the younger man would give him the way, and by continuing his speed resolved to trye the young Gallants manners, until their Horses heads met. But the young fellow crost expectation, and uncivilly demanded his way of the [pg 186] elder; who replyed, Sir, since you will dispute it, I must tell you, according to the rules of Civility, the Elder in our Country have alwayes the way of their Younger: But the bold Upstart answered him again, that his Horse would not give way to a Foole. To which the old man replyed, But my Horse will, and so resigned the way to my gallant.
[61.] Two men met on the road between Ware and London; one was a reckless young guy with more money than manners, and the other was a serious, sensible, and restrained citizen of London. Considering his age, the older man thought the younger would yield the way, and he decided to keep up his pace to test the young man's manners until their horses met. However, the young man surprised him and rudely demanded his way from the elder. The older man replied, "Sir, since you want to argue about it, I must tell you that according to the rules of civility, elders in our country always have the right of way over the younger." The bold upstart countered that his horse wouldn’t give way to a fool. To which the older man responded, "But my horse will," and so he let the young man pass.
[12.]A Man in a Hall,
A Man in a Hall
His Dogg Cuckold did call;
His Dogg Cuckold called;
Says a Woman stood by, 'tis a shame
Says a woman standing by, "It's a shame."
To calle a Dogg so,
To call a dog like that,
For I'de have you to know
For I want you to know
'Tis a Christian bodies name.
It's a Christian name.
[17.] A Lady was bragging that she had overthrown her Enemy in Law: One of her Servants standing by, said, He took a wrong Sow by the ear, when he meddled with your Ladyship.
[17.] A lady was boasting about how she had defeated her adversary in court. One of her servants nearby remarked, "He picked the wrong fight when he got involved with you, my lady."
[17.] In a great Corporation in England, the Serjeants108 desired the Mayor they might have Gowns as formerly, for which they had a president:109 Gowns, says the Mayor, and why not Coats? So calling for a pair110 of Cards, said he could cut off that Custom by a president also: he shewed them the four Kings and four Queens in Gowns, but the four Knaves all in short Coats.
[17.] In a large corporation in England, the Serjeants108 requested the Mayor for their traditional Gowns, as they had a precedent for it:109 "Gowns, says the Mayor, but why not Coats?" So he called for a deck110 of Cards and claimed he could eliminate that tradition with a precedent as well: he showed them the four Kings and four Queens in Gowns, but all four Knaves were in short Coats.
108 These must not be confounded with that awful being, now legally extinct, a "Serjeant learned in the Law;" but meant tipstaves, or serjeants of the mace.
108 These should not be confused with that dreadful entity, now officially gone, a "Serjeant learned in the Law;" but refer to tipstaves, or serjeants of the mace.
109 Precedent.
Precedent.
110 A pack.
A group.
[5.]Who woes a wife, thinks wedded men do know
[5.]Who has a wife believes that married men understand.
The onely true content, I thinke not so;
The only true content, I don't think so;
If Woe in wooers bee, that women court,
If there's sadness in those who pursue love, that women seek,
As the word Woe in wooers doth import;
As the word Woe in wooers means;
And Woe in woemen too, that Courted be,
And woe to women too, who are courted,
As the word Woe in women we doe see.
As we see, the word Woe is often associated with women.
A Merry Dialogue between
Thomas and John.
in the praise and criticism of Women and Wine.
Thomas against the Women doth contend,
Thomas is arguing against the women,
But John most stoutly doth their cause defend;
But John strongly defends their cause;
Young and old read these lines that ensue,
Young and old read these lines that follow,
You'l all confess that what I write is true,
You'll all admit that what I write is true,
I know no reason but that without dispute
I can't think of any reason other than the fact that there's no argument.
This may as well be printed as sung to a Lute.
This could just as easily be printed as it could be sung to a lute.
To a gallant delightful new Tune, well known among Musitioners, and in Play-houses: Called Women and Wine.
To a lively, enjoyable new tune, familiar to musicians and in theaters: called Women and Wine.
Thomas
[71.]Some Women are like to the Wine,
Some women age like fine wine,
like the Sea, and like the Rocks,
like the sea, and like the rocks,
But they that proves them soon may find 'em
But those who try to prove them might find them quickly.
like the Wine and Weathercocks.
like the Wine and Weathercocks.
But if you'l believe me,
But if you'll believe me,
i'le tell you true
I'll tell you the truth.
What light Women are likeunto,
What light Women are like
Wine, Women and Wine,
Wine, Women, and Wine
thus you may compare them too.
so you can compare them too.
John
Women most Constant Men doth find,
Women often find men who are constant,
not like the Sea, but like the Rocks,
not like the sea, but like the rocks,
They are evermore loving and kind,
They are always loving and kind,
not like the Wine and Weather Cocks
not like the Wine and Weather Cocks
But if &c
But if etc.
Thomas
Women have hooks, and women have crooks,
Women have charms, and women have deceivers,
so hath the Wine, so hath the Wine,
so has the wine, so has the wine,
Which draws great Lawyers from their books
Which pulls great lawyers away from their books
more than the Wine, more than the Wine.
more than the wine, more than the wine.
But if &c
But if etc.
John
Women have beauty and fair looks,
Women have beauty and good looks,
So hath the Wine, so hath the Wine,
So has the wine, so has the wine,
Far surpassing the Lawyers books
Far surpassing the lawyer books
more than the Wine, more than the Wine.
more than the wine, more than the wine.
But if you'l believe me
But if you'll believe me
i'le tell you true
i'll tell you the truth
What good Women are like unto,
What good women are like,
Wine, Wine, Women and Wine,
Wine, Wine, Women, and Wine,
thus may you compare them too.
so you can compare them too.
Thomas
Women are Witches when they may
Women are Witches when they can
so is the Wine, so is the Wine,
so is the Wine, so is the Wine,
Which causeth men from their Wives to stray,
Which causes men to stray from their wives,
so will the Wine, so will the Wine.
so will the Wine, so will the Wine.
i'le tell you true
I'll tell you the truth.
What light Women are like unto,
What light women are like
Wine, Wine, Women and Wine,
Wine, Wine, Women, and Wine,
thus may you compare them too.
so you can compare them too.
John
Women are witty when they may,
Women are clever when they can,
so is not Wine, so is not Wine,
so is not Wine, so is not Wine,
And causeth Men at home to stay,
And makes men stay at home,
so doth not Wine, so doth not Wine.
so does not wine, so does not wine.
But if &c
But if etc.
Thomas
Women have arms for to imbrace,
Women have arms to hug,
more than the Wine, more than the Wine,
more than the wine, more than the wine,
Which brings brave Gallants to disgrace,
Which brings brave heroes to shame,
so doth the Wine, so doth the Wine.
so does the Wine, so does the Wine.
But if &c
But if so
John
Women most sweetly do imbrace
Women embrace most sweetly.
more than the Wine, more than the Wine,
more than the wine, more than the wine,
And save their Husbands from disgrace,
And protect their husbands from shame,
so doth not Wine, so doth not Wine.
so does not wine, so does not wine.
But if &c
But if c
Thomas
Women's tongues are like sharp swords,
Women's tongues are like razor-sharp swords,
so is the Wine, so is the Wine,
so is the wine, so is the wine,
Which urgeth men to swear damn'd Oaths,
Which pushes people to make terrible promises,
so doth the Wine, so doth the Wine.
so does the Wine, so does the Wine.
But if &c
But if &c
John
Women's tongues do speak sweet Words,
Women's tongues do speak sweet words,
so doth not Wine, so doth not Wine;
so does not wine, so does not wine;
They can persuade from damned Oaths,
They can persuade with cursed oaths,
so will not Wine, so will not Wine.
so will not Wine, so will not Wine.
But if &c
But if etc.
Thomas
Women they do use to change,
Women do tend to evolve,
so doth the Wine, so doth the Wine,
so does the Wine, so does the Wine,
And often times abroad will range
And often will travel abroad
when Sun doth shine, when Sun doth shine.
when the sun shines, when the sun shines.
But if &c
But if etc.
John
Good Women they will never change,
Good women never change,
so will the Wine, so will the Wine,
so will the Wine, so will the Wine,
For profit they abroad will range,
For profit, they will travel abroad,
Hail, Rain or Shine, Hail Rain or Shine.
Hail, Rain or Shine, Hail Rain or Shine.
But if &c
But if etc.
Thomas
Women they will fight and brawl,
Women will debate and clash,
fill'd with Wine, fill'd with Wine,
fill'd with Wine, fill'd with Wine,
Their Husbands they will Cuckolds call,
Their husbands they'll call unfaithful,
inflam'd with Wine, inflam'd with Wine.
inflamed with wine, inflamed with wine.
But if &c
But if etc.
John
Good Women they will comfort all,
Good women will support everyone,
like the best Wine, like the best Wine,
like the finest wine, like the finest wine,
Whatever Sorrow doth befall,
Whatever sorrow comes my way,
so will good Wine, so will good Wine.
so will good Wine, so will good Wine.
But if you'l believe me,
But if you'll believe me,
i'le tell you true,
I'll tell you the truth,
What good Women are like unto,
What good women are like,
Wine, Wine, Women and Wine,
Wine, Wine, Women, and Wine,
thus you may compare them to.
so you can compare them to.
Printed for J. Williamson,111 at the Sun and Bible in Cannon Street near London Stone.
Printed for J. Williamson,111 at the Sun and Bible in Cannon Street near London Stone.
111 Published in 1665.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Published in 1665.
[17.] A Welch man in heat of blood, challenged an Englishman at Sword and Buckler; but the Englishman giving him a lusty blow on the leg which vext him, he threw down his Weapon, swearing Splut, was not her Buckler broad enough, but her must hit her on the leg?
[17.] A Welshman, filled with anger, challenged an Englishman to a Sword and Buckler fight. However, when the Englishman landed a strong hit on his leg that annoyed him, he dropped his weapon, swearing, “Wasn't her Buckler wide enough? Why did I have to hit her on the leg?”
[52.] A Bulkin112 well knowne in divers places for his mad conceits, and his couzenage, upon a time came into Kent to Sittingborne; and in divers Villages there-about set up bills that all sorts of people, young and old, that would come to Sittingborne, on such a day, they should find a man there, that would give a remedy for all kinds of diseases; and also would tell them what would happen unto any of them in five or Six yeares after: and he would desire but two pence a piece of any of them. Whereupon came people of all sorts and from all places: so that he gathered of the people that came to the value of twenty pounds: and he had provided a Stage, and set it up, and placed a chaire where he would sit: and so, they being all come in, and every one set in order, he comes to the gate, and takes the money from them that gathered it, and bids them looke that good rule be kept, and so they did: also hee bid them by and by sound the drumme, and then he would begin his Orations. He, when they were gone, with all haste gets him to the backe-side, and there having his Gelding, gets upon his backe, and away towards Rochester rides he, as fast as ever he could gallop. Now they, thinking he had beene preparing of things in a readinesse, sounded the drumme. The Audience looked still when he would come, and staying one, two, or three houres, nay more, thought sure they were cozened. Whereupon one of the Company seeing a paper in the chaire on the Stage, tooke it, wherein was written.
[52.] A Bulkin112 well known in various places for his crazy ideas and tricks, once came into Kent to Sittingbourne; and in several villages nearby, he put up flyers saying that anyone, young or old, who came to Sittingbourne on a certain day would find a man there who could provide a cure for all kinds of diseases and predict what would happen to them in five or six years. He only asked for two pence from each person. Because of this, people from all walks of life and from far and wide showed up, and he collected the equivalent of twenty pounds. He set up a stage and placed a chair where he would sit. Once everyone was gathered and seated, he approached the gate, took the money from the attendees, and told them to maintain good order, which they did. He also asked them to sound the drum, and then he would start his speech. Once they left, he hurried to the back, mounted his horse, and rode off toward Rochester as fast as he could gallop. Meanwhile, the audience, believing he was preparing for the show, sounded the drum. They waited anxiously for him to appear, which turned into one, two, or even three hours of waiting, and soon they suspected they had been tricked. Then, one person in the group noticed a piece of paper on the chair on stage and picked it up, which had a message written on it.
Now you have heard the sound of the drumme,
Now you have heard the sound of the drum,
You may all depart like fooles as you come.
You can all leave like fools as you came.
Whereupon the men falling to cursing and swearing, the women to scolding, scratching, and biting, were fame to depart like fooles indeed.
Whereupon the men started cursing and swearing, the women began scolding, scratching, and biting, and they felt compelled to leave like fools indeed.
[12.]A Man being cold
A cold man
In's Boots, was so bold,
In's Boots was so bold,
To stand near the fire for remedy;
To stand by the fire for healing;
You'l burn your Spurs, says Jane,
You'll burn your Spurs, says Jane,
My Boots sure you mean;
My boots, are you sure?
No, Sir, they are burnt already.
No, Sir, they are already burned.
[26.] A Scholar coming home from Cambridge to his Father, his Father askt him what he had learnt? Why Father, says he, I'll prove that this Capon is better than the blessing of God. How Zon, says he, come, let's hear it; Why thus, Father, says he, nothing you know is better than the blessing of God, and this Leg of the Capon is better than Nothing: Ergo.
[26.] A scholar returning home from Cambridge to his father, his father asked him what he had learned. "Well, Dad," he replied, "I'll prove that this capon is better than God's blessing." "Oh, really?" said his father, "Let's hear it." "You see, Dad," he continued, "nothing you know is better than God's blessing, and this leg of the capon is better than nothing. Therefore..."
[52.] In London dwelt a mad conceited fellow, which with his wit lived with Gallants and domineered with good fellowes. Not very long agoe, in Hay-harvest, he gets a Pitchforke on his neck, went forth towards Islington in the morning, and meets with two loads of Hay, comming towards the City to be sold: for the which hee bargained with them that owned the same, for thirty shillings. But whither shall wee bring them? quoth they. To the Swanne by Smithfield, said hee. And so went his way, and left them: then to the Swan he went, to the good man of the house, and asked if he would buy two loades of Hay? Yes, quoth the Inne keeper, where be they? Here they come, quoth he. What shall I pay, quoth the In-keeper? Foure Nobles113 a load, quoth the Make-shift. But at the last they agreed for twenty shillings. When they were come, he bad them unload the Hay. So while they were unloading of it, hee came to the Inne-holder, and said, I pray you let me have my money: for while my men unload, I will buy some stuffe to have home with me. The Inne-holder was content, and gave him money, and so hee went away. When the men had unloaded their Hay they came and demanded their money. I have paid your Master (quoth the Inne holder). What Master? quoth they. Marry, quoth hee, he that bad you bring the Hay hither. Wee know him not quoth they. Nor I neither, quoth hee, but with him I bargained, and him have I paid; with you I meddled not, and therefore go seeke him if you will. And so the poore men were cozened.
[52.] In London lived a crazy, full-of-himself guy who socialized with the wealthy and bossed around his friends. Not too long ago, during hay harvest, he stuck a pitchfork over his shoulder and headed toward Islington in the morning. He encountered two loads of hay being brought to the city for sale and struck a deal with the owners for thirty shillings. But where should we take them? they asked. To the Swan by Smithfield, he replied. And off he went, leaving them behind. He then headed to the Swan, spoke to the innkeeper, and asked if he would buy two loads of hay. Yes, the innkeeper said, where are they? Here they come, he replied. How much will I pay? the innkeeper inquired. Four nobles a load, said the schemer. But in the end, they settled on twenty shillings. When they arrived, he told them to unload the hay. While they were unloading, he went to the innkeeper and said, Could I please have my money? While my men unload, I want to buy some stuff to take home. The innkeeper agreed and gave him the money, and off he went. When the workers finished unloading the hay, they came to collect their payment. I’ve paid your master, said the innkeeper. What master? they asked. Well, he said, the one who told you to bring the hay here. We don't know him, they replied. Nor do I, he said, but I made a deal with him, and I’ve paid him; I didn’t deal with you, so go find him if you want. And so, the poor men were cheated.
A Bolster Lecture.
"Dum Loquor icta taces."
"While I speak, you silence."
"Surdu canis."
"Deaf dog."
This wife a wondrous racket meanes to keepe,
This wife has quite a racket going on,
While th'Husband seemes to sleepe but do'es not sleepe:
While the Husband seems to sleep but doesn't sleep:
But she might full as well her Lecture smother,
But she might just as well smother Lecture ,
For ent'ring one Eare, it goes out at t'other.
What goes in one ear comes out the other.
The accompanying quaint illustration shows the antiquity of "Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures."114
The accompanying charming illustration highlights the timelessness of "Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures."114
114 At p. 107 the very phrase is mentioned, "These need not feare to have their shoulders besprinkled with Zantippee's livery; or to have their breakfast chang'd into a Morning Curtaine Lecture."
114 At p. 107, the exact phrase is mentioned, "They shouldn't be afraid to have their shoulders sprinkled with Zantippee's uniform; or to have their breakfast turned into a Morning Curtain Lecture."
To visite him, finding the doores say nay;
To visit him, finding the doors say no;
Being lock'd fast up, first knocks, and then doth pause,
Being locked up tight, first it knocks, and then it pauses,
But missing it, he ask't a neighbour by
But missing it, he asked a neighbor by
When the rich Durus' (doors) were lock'd and why?
When the wealthy Durus' (doors) were locked and why?
He said it was a Custome growne of late
He said it was a custom that had developed recently.
At diner time to lock your great man's gate,
At dinner time, remember to secure your great man's gate,
Durus' his poor friend admir'd & thought the door
Durus' his poor friend admired and thought the door
Was not for State lock'd up, but 'gainst the poore,
Wasn't locked up for the state, but against the poor,
And thence departing empty of good cheere,
And then leaving without any good cheer,
Said, Lord have mercy on us is not there.
Said, Lord have mercy on us is not there.
115 Houses visited by the plague were marked by a cross chalked on the door, and also the words, "Lord have mercy on us."
115 Homes affected by the plague were marked with a cross chalked on the door, along with the words, "Lord, have mercy on us."
Till in the end he tooke him to a Wife;
Till in the end, he took her as his wife;
One that no image was (for shee could speake)
One that no image was (for she could speak)
And now and then her husbands costrell116 breake:
And now and then her husbands' capes break:
So fierce she was and furious, as in summe,
So fierce and angry she was, like in summer,
She was an arrant Devill of her tongue.
She was an absolute devil with her words.
This drove the poore man to a discontent,
This made the poor man unhappy,
And oft, and many times did he repent
And often, he regretted it many times.
That e're hee chang'd his former quiet state,
That before he changed his former quiet state,
But 'las, repentance then did come too late.
But alas, repentance came too late.
No cure he finde to cure this maladie,
No cure can he find to heal this illness,
But makes a vertue of necessitie,
But makes a virtue out of necessity,
The common cure for care to every man,
The usual remedy for worry for everyone,
"A potte of nappy Ale:" where he began
"A jug of fresh ale:" where he started
To fortifie his braine 'gainst all should come,
To strengthen his mind against anything that might come,
'Mongst which the clamour of his wives loud tongue
'Mongst which the loud chatter of his wives' tongues
That when he was from Ale, an houre seem'd long,
That when he was from Ale, an hour felt long,
So well hee lik'd th' profession: on a Time
So much he liked the profession: at one time
Having staid long at pot (for rule nor line
Having stayed a long time at the pot (for rule nor line
Limits no drunkard) even from Morne to Night,
Limits no drunkard) even from Morne to Night,
He hasted home apace, by the Moone-light:
He hurried home quickly, by the moonlight:
Where as he went, what phantasies were bred,
Wherever he went, what fantasies were created,
I doe not know, in his distempered head,
I don't know, in his troubled mind,
But a strange Ghost appear'd, and forc'd him stay,
But a strange ghost appeared and forced him to stay,
With which perplext, hee thus began to say:
With great confusion, he started to say:
"Good Spirit, if thou be, I need no charme,
"Good Spirit, if you're real, I don't need any charm,
For well I know, thou wilt not doe mee harme;
For I know well that you won't harm me;
And if the Devill; sure mee thou shoulds't not hurt,
And if the Devil, trust me, you shouldn't hurt.
I wed't thy Sister, and am plagued for't."
I married your Sister, and I'm suffering because of it.
The Spirit, well approving what he said,
The Spirit, fully agreeing with what he said,
Dissolv'd to ayre, and quickly vanished.
Dissolved into air and quickly disappeared.
116 Head.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Head.
117 Grafted.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Grafted.
[17.] A Taylor sent his bill to a Lawyer for money; the Lawyer bid the Boy tell his Master, that he was not running away (being very busie at that time). The Boy comes again, and tells him he must needs have his money. Did'st tell him, I was not running away? Yes Sir, but he bid me tell you, that though you were not running away, yet he was.
[17.] A Taylor sent his bill to a Lawyer for payment; the Lawyer told the Boy to inform his Master that he wasn't trying to run away (he was very busy at that moment). The Boy returned and said he really needed his money. "Did you tell him I wasn't running away?" "Yes Sir, but he asked me to tell you that even though you weren't running away, he was."
[17.] A Schollar was lock'd out of Wadham Colledge, and about ten a Clock he came and knockt; the Porter came to the Gate, and told him the Warden had took up the keys with him: Pray, says he to the Porter, go to the Warden, and tell him I am here: Truly, Sir, says he, the Warden is angry with me already, I dare not do it: but if you'll go your self, it may be he'll give you the keys.
[17.] A scholar was locked out of Wadham College, and at about ten o'clock he came and knocked. The porter came to the gate and told him the warden had taken the keys with him. "Please," he said to the porter, "go to the warden and tell him I'm here." "Honestly, sir," the porter replied, "the warden is already angry with me; I can't do that. But if you go yourself, maybe he'll give you the keys."
[5.]He's rich that hath great in-comes by the year;
[5.]He's wealthy who has a substantial annual income;
Then that great belly'd man is rich, Ile swear:
Then that big-bellied man is rich, I swear:
For sure, his belly ne'r so big had bin,
For sure, his belly had never been so big,
Had he not daily had great comings in.
Had he not had significant income coming in every day.
[26.] One meeting a mad Fellow that was drunk, ask't him whither he was going? says he, I am going to the Tavern: No, says t'other, that you are not; for Drunkenness is the way to Hell, and thither you are going. Puh, says the Drunkard, you are therein much mistaken; and I ne'r fear that, for I am so drunk, that my Legs are not able to carry me so far; and what need I go thither agen, for I came from the Devil118 (Tavern) but now.
[26.] One time, a drunk guy was asked where he was headed. He replied, "I'm going to the bar." The other guy said, "No, you're not; because getting drunk leads to hell, and that's where you're headed." The drunkard scoffed and said, "You're completely wrong about that. I'm so drunk that my legs can't even take me that far. And why would I need to go there again? I just came from the Devil118 (Tavern) a moment ago."
118 In Fleet Street, close by where Temple Bar stood, now Messrs. Childs' Bank.
118 On Fleet Street, near where Temple Bar used to be, is now Messrs. Childs' Bank.
PORTSMOUTH'S Grieving
or
or
Dame Portsmouth was design'd for France,
Dame Portsmouth was designed for France,
But therein was prevented;
But that was prevented;
Who mourns at this Unhappy Chance,
Who grieves over this unfortunate situation,
and sadly doth lament it.
and sadly laments it.
To the Tune of, Tom the Taylor, Or, Titus Oats.
To the Tune of, Tom the Taylor, Or, Titus Oats.
without dissimulation,
no hiding,
When dost thou home return again,
When are you coming home again,
and leave this English Nation?
and leave this English nation?
Your youthful days are past and gone,
Your youthful days are behind you,
you plainly may perceive it
you can easily see it
Winter of age is coming on,
Winter of life is approaching,
'tis true, you may believe it.
It's true, you can believe it.
And, Nelly, is't not so with thee,
And, Nelly, isn’t it the same with you,
why dost thou seem to flout me,
why do you seem to mock me,
I am in clos'd with misery,
I'm drowning in sadness.
and sorrows round about me:
and sorrows all around me:
O, 'twas a sad and fatal hour,
O, it was a sad and tragic hour,
as ere could come to me,
as ere could come to me,
When Death did all my joys devour,
When Death took away all my happiness,
on purpose to undoe me.
on purpose to undo me.
Thy loss was much, I must confess,
Thy loss was a lot, I have to admit,
and much to be lamented,
and deeply regrettable,
Now thou art almost pittiless,
Now you are almost pitiful,
thy design it is prevented:
your design is blocked:
To France 'twas thy intent to go,
To France, it was your intent to go,
but therein did'st miscarry,
but there you went wrong,
And trouble 'tis to thee I know,
And I know it’s a problem for you,
that thou art forc'd to tarry.
that you are forced to wait.
Fye Nell, this news is worse and worse,
Fye Nell, this news just keeps getting worse,
and doth increase my trouble,
and increases my trouble,
That I must now unstring my purse,
That I now have to empty my wallet,
doth make my sorrow double:
makes my sorrow double:
From hence I thought for to convey
From here I thought to convey
what in this land I gained,
what I gained in this land,
But I am here confin'd to stay,
But I'm stuck here,
and now my credits stain'd.
and now my credits are tarnished.
Pish, lightly come, and lightly go,
Pish, come in gently and leave gently,
ne'er let this matter grieve thee,
never let this matter upset you,
Tho' fortune seems to be thy foe,
Though fortune seems to be your enemy,
and for a while to leave thee:
and for a while to leave you:
Yet shee again on thee may smile,
Yet she may smile at you again,
then be not broken hearted,
don't be heartbroken,
Tho' from this little Brittish Isle,
Though from this little British Isle,
thou must not yet be parted.
thou must not be parted yet.
With care and grief I am opprest,
With care and sorrow, I am overwhelmed,
and I am discontented,
and I am dissatisfied,
Sorrow is lodged in my Breast,
Sorrow is stuck in my chest,
my Youthful life lamented:
my youthful life lamented:
How did I vainly spend my time,
How did I waste my time,
tho' Riches still increased,
though riches still increased,
And played the Wanton in my prime,
And acted carefree in my youth,
but now my comfort's ceased.
but now my comfort is gone.
Well, thou hast laid up Riches store,
Well, you have accumulated a wealth of riches,
to serve thee when afflicted,
to help you when troubled,
And yet doth carp and crave for more,
And yet does complain and long for more,
thou cans't not contradict it:
you can't argue with it:
But let enough thy mind suffice
But let your mind be enough
since Fortune frowns upon thee,
since luck is against you,
Now shew thyself discreet and wise,
Now show yourself to be discreet and wise,
or else what will come on thee?
or else what will happen to you?
Could I but safely get to France,
Could I just safely get to France,
with all my Gold and Treasure,
with all my gold and treasure,
Then would I briskly sing and dance,
Then I would happily sing and dance,
and Riot beyond measure;
and Riot to the max;
But I am crost in my design,
But I'm blocked in my plans,
which greatly doth torment me,
which greatly torments me,
And 'tis in vain for to repine,
And it's useless to complain,
what Plagues hath Heaven sent me.
what troubles has Heaven sent me.
Madam I fear it will grow worse,
Madam, I'm afraid it will only get worse.
with patience strive to bear it,
with patience, work to endure it,
And since you must unstring your purse,
And since you have to take money out of your wallet,
for it now be prepared:
get ready for it now:
Your debts in England must be paid
Your debts in England need to be settled.
believe me what I tell ye,
believe me when I say this,
And thereat be not dismaied,
And don’t be discouraged there,
but be advised by Nelly.
but take note from Nelly.
FINIS.
FIN.
Printed for C. Dennisson121 at the Stationer's Arms, within Aldgate.
Printed for C. Dennisson121 at the Stationer's Arms, inside Aldgate.
119 Eleanor, or Nell, Gwynne.
Eleanor "Nell" Gwynne.
120 Louise de Querouaille, Duchess of Portsmouth, a mistress of Charles II. from whom are descended the Dukes of Richmond, died November 1734, aged 88. This ballad was evidently written soon after the king's death in 1685.
120 Louise de Querouaille, Duchess of Portsmouth, one of Charles II's mistresses, from whom the Dukes of Richmond are descended, passed away in November 1734 at the age of 88. This ballad was clearly written shortly after the king's death in 1685.
It will be seen by the foregoing supposed portraits of Nell Gwynne and the Duchess of Portsmouth (which, by the way, do plenty of duty in other ballads) that the patching of this [pg 199] age among women was in somewhat fantastic form, such a patch as a coach and four not being unknown; but few know that the mercers (or linen-drapers, as we now call them) patched themselves in order to show the effect to their fair customers. The annexed example shows one who holds a lady's vizard, or mask, for they did not then wear veils, which are quite a modern invention, together with a feather-fan and some ribands, or, as the frontispiece of the book records, divulging the secrets of the toilet.
It can be seen from the earlier imagined portraits of Nell Gwynne and the Duchess of Portsmouth (which, by the way, also appear in various other ballads) that the patching style in this [pg 199] era among women was quite extravagant, with patches that could include elaborate designs like a coach and four; however, few realize that the fabric dealers (or linen-drapers, as we refer to them today) also patched their own garments to showcase the look to their female customers. The example provided illustrates someone holding a lady's mask, since they didn't wear veils back then, which are a more modern invention, along with a feather fan and some ribbons, or as noted in the frontispiece of the book, revealing the secrets of beauty.
Here be your new Fashions Mistris.Paintings, and beauty spots for faces?
Paints and beauty marks for faces?
Masques, and Fans you here may have
Masques and fans are available for you here.
Taffity Gownes and Scarfes most brave
Taffity Gowns and Scarves most brave
Curled haire, and crisped Locks.
Curly hair and styled locks.
Aprons white, and Holland Smocks:
White aprons and Holland smocks:
All sort of powders here are sold
All kinds of powders are sold here.
To please all People young and old.
To please people of all ages.
Then come my Customers touch and try,
Then my customers come to touch and try,
Behold and see, draw forth and buy.
Behold and see, take out and purchase.
Unfortunately this little penny book is generally too broad in its humour to be reprinted; but one extract, which may be reproduced, will suffice to show its quality:—"Come who buys my new Fashion'd Periwigs, if there be any manner of Single man, Widdower, or Batchelor that thinks his owne naturall Haire not good enough for him, here is Jack in a box, that will fit him to a haire, with all sorts of Periwigs, and all sorts of colours and fashions, both long Haire, or short Haire, Flaxen haire, or yellow haire, black, blew, red, tawny, browne, or Abraham122 Colour, thats halfe Nits, and half Lice; or if any bauld pated fellow among you that have lost his hair off from his head, I have a Periwig for him of goodly long Haire, that will hang downe and cover all his shoulders, and that may serve to cover all his knavery: or, if any younger Brothers that desires to have their naturall Haire that growes upon their heads Dyed of another Colour? here are all sorts of powders, of several colours and Fashions, that will doe the trick gallantly."
Unfortunately, this little penny book is generally too broad in its humor to be reprinted; but one excerpt that can be included will illustrate its quality:—"Come, who wants to buy my new fashion wigs? If there's any single man, widower, or bachelor who thinks his own natural hair isn't good enough, here’s Jack in a box that will fit him perfectly, with all kinds of wigs in every color and style—long hair or short hair, flaxen, brown, yellow, black, blue, red, tawny, or Abraham122 color, that’s half nits and half lice; or if there’s any bald guy among you who has lost all his hair, I have a wig with nice long hair that will hang down and cover his shoulders, and it may even hide all his mischief; or if there are any younger brothers wanting to dye their natural hair a different color? Here are all kinds of powders in various colors and styles that will do the job magnificently."
122 Nares thinks that Abram-coloured hair is a corruption for auburn, but it is just possible that, being a patriarch, very gray or white hair is meant.
122 Nares believes that Abram-coloured hair is a mistake for auburn, but it's also possible that, since he's a patriarch, very gray or white hair is intended.
To one that desired me not to name him.
[70.]Be safe, nor feare thy selfe so good a fame,
[70.]Be safe, and don’t be afraid; you have a good reputation.
That, any way, my booke should speake thy name:
That, in any case, my book should mention your name:
For, if thou shame, ranck'd with my friends, to goe,
For, if you’re ashamed to go with my friends,
I am more asham'd to have thee thought my foe.
I’m more embarrassed that you think I’m your enemy.
[4.] A Scholar meeting a Countreyman upon the Road rid up very briskly to him; but the Countreyman, out of respect to him was turning off his Horse to give him the Road, when the Scholar, laying his Hand upon his Sword, said, 'Tis well you gave me the Way, or I'd—— What wou'd you have done? said the Countreyman, holding up his Club at him—— Given it to you, Sir, says he, pulling off his Hat to him.
[4.] A Scholar meeting a Countryman on the Road riding up quickly to him; but the Countryman, out of respect, was turning his horse to give him the way, when the Scholar, putting his hand on his sword, said, 'It’s good you gave me the way, or I'd—— What would you have done? asked the Countryman, raising his club at him—Given it to you, Sir, he replied, taking off his hat to him.
[17.] One wondred there was so many Pick pockets about London, seeing there's a Watch at every corner: Pah, says another, they'd as willingly meet with a watch as any thing else.
[17.] One wondered why there were so many pickpockets in London, considering there's a watch at every corner: Pah, says another, they'd just as soon run into a watch as anything else.
[5.]More dew the Mercer, with a kinde salute,
[5.]More dew said the Mercer, with a friendly greeting,
Would needs intreate my custome for a suit:
Would need to request my service for a suit:
Here Sir, quoth he, for Sattins, Velvets call,
Here, sir, he said, for silks and velvets call,
What e're you please, I'le take your word for all.
What you say, I'll take your word for it.
I thank'd, took, gave my word; say then,
I thanked, took, gave my word; so then,
Am I at all indebted to this man?
Am I in any way indebted to this guy?
[61.] A mad young Gallant, having rid as he feared, out of his way, overtook a blunt Country fellow, and asked him, which was the way to Salesbury? The Country man, intending not only to set him right: but withall to know whether or no he had committed any error in his way thither, asked him as the manner is, from whence he came, to which the surly Gallant answered, Why what is that to you, from whence I came? You say true Master, quoth the Bumkin, It is nothing to me from whence you come, nor whether you goe. So he walkt away with his hands coupled behind him, and left the gentle fool to study out his way to Salesbury.
[61.] A reckless young dandy, having ridden off the path he feared, caught up with a straightforward country guy and asked him for directions to Salesbury. The country man, wanting to not only help him out but also figure out if he had made any mistakes on his journey, asked him, as is customary, where he had come from. The grumpy dandy replied, Why does it matter to you where I came from? You're right, sir, said the country man, It doesn’t matter to me where you come from or where you're going. So he walked away with his hands clasped behind him and left the foolish gentleman to figure out his route to Salesbury.
To review, or even to largely quote from the dramatists of the seventeenth century is not within the scope of this work, but I cannot refrain (because they are so scarce) from giving a sample of one of the "Drolls," as they were called—short plays performed in booths at the fairs, and very often abbreviated versions of the legitimate drama, as "Bottom the Weaver," from A Midsummer's Night's Dream; "The Humours of the Gravemakers," from Hamlet. In fact, as the preface to the book [75.], whence the accompanying Droll is taken, states, "The most part of these Pieces were written by such Penmen as were known to be the ablest Artists that ever this Nation produced, by Name, Shake-spear, Fletcher, Johnson, Shirley, and others; and these Collections are the very Souls of their writings, if the witty part thereof may be so termed: And the other small Pieces composed by several other Authors, are such as have been of great fame in this last Age, when the [pg 202] publique Theatres were shut up, and the Actors forbidden to present us with any of their Tragedies, because we had enough of that in earnest, and Comedies, because the Vices of the Age were too lively and smartly represented; then all that we could divert our selves with, were these humours and pieces of Plays, which passing under the Name of a merry Conceited Fellow, called Bottom the Weaver, Simpleton the Smith, John Swabber, or some such Title, were only allowed us, and that by stealth too, and under pretence of Rope-dancing, or the like; and these being all that was permitted us, great was the confluence of the Auditors; and these small things were as profitable, and as great get-pennies to the Actors123 as any of our late famed Plays. I have seen the Red Bull124 Playhouse, which was a large one, so full that as many went back for want of room as had entred; and as meanly as you may now think of these Drols, they were then acted by the best Comedians then and now in being; and I may say, by some that then exceeded all now Living; by Name, the incomparable Robert Cox who was not only the principal Actor, but also the Contriver and Author of most of these Farces. How have I heard him cryed up for his John Swabber, and Simpleton the Smith? In which he being to appear with a large piece of Bread and Butter, I have frequently known several of the Female Spectators and Auditors to long for some of it: and once that well known Natural, Jack Adams of Clarkenwel, seeing him with Bread and Butter on the Stage, and knowing him, cryed out, Cuz, Cuz, give me some, give me some; to the great pleasure of the Audience. And so Naturally did he Act the Smith's part, that being at a Fair in a Countrey Town, and that Farce being presented, the only Master Smith of the Town came to him, saying, well, [pg 203] although your Father speaks so ill of you, yet when the Fair is done, if you will come and work with me, I will give you twelve pence a week more than I give any other Journey-Man. Thus was he taken for a Smith bred, that was indeed as much of any Trade.
To summarize, or even to largely quote from the playwrights of the seventeenth century is beyond the focus of this work, but I can't help (since they are so rare) but present a sample of one of the "Drolls," as they were called—short plays performed in booths at fairs, often condensed versions of legitimate drama, like "Bottom the Weaver," from A Midsummer's Night's Dream; "The Humours of the Gravemakers," from Hamlet. In fact, as the preface to the book [75.], from which the accompanying Droll is taken, states, "Most of these pieces were written by recognized masters who were the best artists this Nation has ever produced, namely, Shakespeare, Fletcher, Johnson, Shirley, and others; and these collections capture the essence of their writing, if the witty parts can be called that: And the other small pieces written by various authors are those which gained significant fame in the recent past, when the public theaters were closed, and actors were forbidden to present any tragedies, since we had enough reality of that kind, and comedies, because the vices of the age were too openly and harshly portrayed; thus, all we had for entertainment were these humorous short plays, which under titles like Bottom the Weaver, Simpleton the Smith, John Swabber, or similar, were allowed to us, albeit stealthily, under the pretense of rope-dancing or something like that; and these being all that was permitted, there was a huge crowd of spectators; and these small productions were as profitable, and as much of a cash cow for the actors123 as any of our recently celebrated plays. I have seen the Red Bull124 Playhouse, which was quite large, so packed that as many people left for lack of space as had entered; and as lowly as you may now regard these Drolls, they were performed by the best comedians of that time, and some who surpassed anyone living today; specifically, the incomparable Robert Cox, who was not only the lead actor but also the creator and author of most of these farces. I've heard him praised for his roles as John Swabber and Simpleton the Smith. In one scene, where he appeared with a large piece of bread and butter, I often saw several female spectators longing for a taste of it: and once, that well-known character, Jack Adams of Clerkenwell, seeing him with food on stage, called out, Cuz, Cuz, give me some, give me some; much to the audience's delight. He portrayed the Smith's role so naturally that at a fair in a country town, after that farce was presented, the only master smith in the town approached him, saying, well, although your father speaks so poorly of you, when the fair is over, if you want to come work with me, I will pay you twelve pence a week more than I pay any other journeyman. Thus was he seen as a smith by trade, although he had no real experience in any trade.
... Thus were these Compositions liked and approved by all, and they were the fittest for the Actors to represent, there being little Cost in Cloaths, which often were in great danger to be seized by the then Souldiers, who, as the Poet sayes, Enter the Red Coat, Exit Hat and Cloak, was very true, not only in the Audience, but the Actors too, were commonly, not only strip'd, but many times imprisoned, till they paid such Ransom as the Souldiers would impose upon them; so that it was hazardous to Act any thing that required any good Cloaths, instead of which painted Cloath many times served the turn to represent Rich Habits ... and this painting puts me in mind of a piece I once saw in a Country Inn, where was, with the best skill of the Workman represented King Pharaoh with Moses and Aaron, and some others, to explain which figures, was added this piece of Poetry
... These compositions were well-liked and approved by everyone, and they were the most suitable for the actors to perform. There was little cost for costumes, which were often at risk of being confiscated by the soldiers of the time. As the poet says, Enter the Red Coat, Exit Hat and Cloak, which was very true—not only for the audience but also for the actors, who were commonly stripped and often imprisoned until they paid whatever ransom the soldiers imposed on them. Thus, it was risky to perform anything that required nice clothes; instead, painted cloth often served to represent lavish outfits... This painting reminds me of a piece I once saw at a country inn, where the best skills of the craftsman depicted King Pharaoh with Moses and Aaron, among others, and a piece of poetry was added to explain these figures.
Here Pharaoh with his Goggle Eyes does stare on
Here Pharaoh with his Goggle Eyes does stare on
The High Priest Moses, with the Prophet Aaron.
The High Priest Moses with the Prophet Aaron.
Why, what a Rascal
What a rascal!
Was he that would not let the People go to eat the Phascal.
Was he who wouldn’t let the people go eat the Passover.
The Painting was in every wayes as defective and lame as the Poetry, for I believe he who pictured King Pharaoh, had never seen a King in his life, for all the Majesty he was represented with was goggle Eyes, that his Picture might be answerable to the Verse."
The painting was just as flawed and awkward as the poetry, because I think the person who portrayed King Pharaoh had never actually seen a king in their life. The only majesty he was shown with were bulging eyes, so that the picture matched the verse.
We see by the above extract that much was not expected in a Droll; and, verily, few could have been disappointed. To modern taste the humour of the majority is too coarse; and, therefore, I have been obliged to take, as an exemplar, the most innocent of its class.
We can see from the excerpt above that there wasn't much expected in a Droll, and honestly, not many would have been let down. To today's standards, the humor of most is too crude; so, I've had to choose the most harmless example of its kind.
123 It is a curious fact that both Nares and Halliwell, in their glossaries, describe Drolls as being puppet shows, when, as is shown, they were acted by living people.
123 It's interesting that both Nares and Halliwell, in their dictionaries, refer to Drolls as puppet shows, when, as demonstrated, they were performed by real actors.
124 This theatre was in Clerkenwell, at the corner of what is now Woodbridge Street, and here acted (in October 1617, if not again) Edward Alleyn, the founder of Dulwich College. It is frequently mentioned in contemporary books, notably by Prynne in his Histrio Martix, and by Pepys in his Diary, 4th August 1660, and 23d March and 26th May 1662.
124 This theater was in Clerkenwell, at the corner of what is now Woodbridge Street, and here performed (in October 1617, if not again) Edward Alleyn, the founder of Dulwich College. It is often mentioned in contemporary books, especially by Prynne in his Histrio Martix, and by Pepys in his Diary, August 4, 1660, and March 23 and May 26, 1662.
The Humor of a Country Guy.
Argument needless, It being a Thorow Farce
very well known—
There's no need for an argument; it's a well-known complete farce—
Acteon, three Huntsmen, Bumpkin, three Country Wenches.
Acteon, three Hunters, Bumpkin, three Country Girls.
Enter first Huntsman, and Bumkin.
First Huntsman and Bumkin enter.
1. Hunt. Why, what's the matter?
1. Hunt. What’s wrong?
Bump. Nay, I know not; but every day my great Guts, and my small Guts make such a Combustion in my belly, as passes, and my Puddings, (like Lances) run a-tilt at my heart, and make me queasie-stomacht.
Bump. No, I don’t know; but every day my big stomach and my little stomach create such a commotion in my belly that my insides, like lances, charge at my heart, making me feel nauseous.
1. Hunt. Canst thou not guess the reason of this trouble?
1. Hunt. Can't you understand why this is happening?
Bump. Yes, I think I can, and I'le be judged by thee, if my case be not desperate. I have a horrible mind to be in love.
Bump. Yes, I think I can. and I'll be judged by you, if my situation isn’t hopeless. I have a strong urge to be in love.
1. Hunt. With whom?
1. Hunt. With who?
Bump. With any body; but I cannot find out the way how to be in Love.
Hit up. With anyone; but I can't figure out how to be in love.
1. Hunt. Why? I'le instruct thee: Cans't thou be melancholly?
1. Go hunting. Why? I'll explain: Can you be sad?
Bump. Yes, as a Dog, or a Hog-louse; I could even find it in my heert to cry presently.
Bump. Yes, as a dog or a hog louse; I could even find it in my heart to cry right now.
1. Hunt. Canst thou sleep well?
1. Hunt. Can you sleep well?
Bump. I cannot tell, I never saw myself sleep.
Bump. I can't say; I've never seen myself sleeping.
1. Hunt. Is't possible that thou so long been an attendant upon my Lord Acteon, shoulds't be to learn the way to be in love.
1. Hunt. Is it possible that you have been an attendant to my Lord Acteon for so long and still don't know how to be in love?
Bump. I would it were not possible, on the condition thou wert hang'd and quartered.
Bump. I wish it wasn't possible, as long as you were hanged and quartered.
1. Hunt. I thank you, Sir. But Bumpkin list to me; This day thou knows't the Maids and Young men meet to sport, and revel it about the May pole: Present thy self there, tell thy cause of grief, and I dare warrant thee a Sweet-heart presently.
1. Hunt. Thanks, Sir. But Bumpkin, listen to me; Today you know the girls and young men are gathering to have fun and celebrate around the May pole: Show up there, share your reasons for being down, and I guarantee you'll have a sweetheart in no time.
Bump. If thou cans't do that, Ile marry her first and learn to love her afterwards.
Bump. If you can’t do that, I'll marry her first and learn to love her afterward.
1. Hunt. Hast hither, Bumpkin I'le go on before
1. Hunt. Come over here quickly, Bumpkin I'll go on ahead.
(Exit)
(Leave)
Bump. And I will follow thee a dog trot. Is it not a pitty:
that a man of Authority as I am, having been chief Dog-Keeper
to my Lord Acteon this five years, being a man
so comely of person, and having such a pure complexion,
that all fair Ladies may be ashamed to look on
me, and that I should be distressed for a Sweet-heart?
Maypole I come.
And if the Wenches there encrease my pains
And scorn to love, i'le beat out all their brains.
Bump. And I’ll keep up with you quickly. Isn't it a shame: that a man in authority like me, who has been the chief Dog Keeper for my Lord Acteon for five years, looking this good, and with such a clear complexion, that all the beautiful ladies should feel embarrassed to look at me, and yet I should be struggling to find a sweetheart? Here I come. And if the girls there just increase my suffering and refuse to love, I’ll knock some sense into them.
(Exit)
(Leave)
Enter Huntsmen with three Country Wenches.
Enter Huntsmen with three Country Girls.
2. Co. Wench. Is it possible would Bumpkin be in love?
2. Co. Wench. Is it possible that Bumpkin is in love?
1. Hunt. Yes, if he knew but how, and for that sickness I have undertaken to become his Doctor: For at the May Pole meeting 'tis decreed, a Sweet-heart must be purchast, come what will on't.
1. Hunt. Yes, if he only knew how, and for that problem, I’ve decided to be his Doctor: At the May Pole meeting, it’s been decided that a Sweetheart must be obtained, no matter what.
3. Co. Wench. Nay, if he be distressed, twenty to one he may find charitable persons there. Come, strike up a Farewel to Misfortune.
3. Co. Wench. No, if he's in trouble, there's a good chance he might find some kind-hearted people there. Come on, let’s play a Farewell to Misfortune.
(Exit)
(Exit)
Enter Bumpkin.
Bumpkin enters.
Bump. That is a Dance that I could never hit of: pray desist a woile, and hear my doleful Tale.
Bump. That's a dance that I could never quite get right: please hold off for a bit and listen to my sad story.
1. Co. Wench. He'l make us cry sure.
1. Co. Wench. He’s definitely going to make us cry.
Bump. Be it known unto all men by these presents——
Bump. Just so everyone knows by this announcement——
2. Co. Wench. An Obligation, we will be no witnesses.
2. Co. Wench. A Responsibility, we won't be witnesses.
Bump. Why then I'le hang my self.
Bump. Then I might as well just end it all.
3. Co. Wench. We will be witness then.
3. Co. Wench. We'll be there to see it.
Bump. What, to my hanging? O' my Conscience, if I should woo my heart out, I should never be the fatter for it.—Where's your promise now?
Bump. What, am I trapped here? Oh my goodness, if I poured my heart out, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference.—Where’s your promise now?
1. Hunt. You have not yet exprest yourself; be plain, tell them your grief; a remedy will follow.
1. Hunt. You haven't shared yourself yet; be straightforward, tell them what's bothering you; a solution will come.
Bump. If that be all, 'tis an easy matter, pray take notice that I am in love—with somebody.
Bump. If that's it, it's an easy thing; please note that I am in love—with someone.
2. Co. Wench. Would I were she.
2. Co. Wench. I wish I could be her.
Bump. Why, so you are, if you have a mind to it.
Bump. Well, you are, if that's what you want.
2. Co. Wench. Why then, you are my own.
2. Co. Wench. Then you belong to me.
3. Co. Wench. Pardon me, Sister, I bespake him yesterday.
3. Co. Wench. Sorry, Sister, I talked to him yesterday.
(They all hang about him)
They all hang around him.
Bump. Yes, marry did she
Bump. Yes, she did marry.
(Goes to her).
(Goes to her).
1. Co. Wench. But I was she that won him at the May pole.
1. Co. Wench. But I was the one who won him at the Maypole.
2. Co. Wench. Was that the Cause you strove so for the Garland.
2. Co. Wench. Was that the reason? you worked so hard for the Garland?
Bump. What's that to you? (Goes to her.)
Would I had any of them in quietness.
Bump. Why does that matter to you? Goes to her.)
I wish I could have any of them in peace.
3. Co. Wench. But yet I must have share.
3. Company Wench. But still I need to have my share.
1. Co. Wench. So must I too.
1. Co. Wench. I need to do the same.
(All pull him)
All pull him
2. Co. Wench. I will not part without the better half.
2. Company Wench. I won't leave without my other half.
Bump. Then who shall have me whole? what—are you mad?
Bump. So, who will take me fully? What—are you crazy?
3. Co. Wench. Theres reason for a madness in this Case.
3. Co. Wench. There's a reason behind the chaos. in this case.
1. Co. Wench. I will not loose my right. Let go, I say.
1. Co. Wench. I won't give up my rights. Let go, I say.
2. Co. Wench. He shall be mine, or else he shall be nothing.
2. Co. Wench. He will be mine, or he will be nothing.
Bump. Away you burrs, why do you stick so on me? Now by this hand, if nothing can perswade you, I'le drown myself for spight, that you may perish.
Bump. Go away, burrs, why do you cling to me so? Now, by this hand, if nothing can convince you, I'll drown myself out of spite, so that you may die.
(Horn)
Horn
1. Hunt. Hark, hark, my Lord Acteons warning piece; That Horn gives us intelligence he doth intend to Spend this day in hunting: Bumpkin why stay you? the hounds will quarrel with you: we'l come after.
1. Go hunting. Listen, listen, my Lord Acteon's hunting horn; That horn tells us he plans to spend today hunting. Bumpkin, why are you still here? The hounds will get restless with you. We’ll catch up later.
1. Co. Wench. Will you not stay, my Love?
1. Co. Wench. Will you not stay, my love?
Bump. I'le see you hang'd first, and by this hand, ere I will be in love again, I will feed my hounds with my own proper Carcase.
Bump. I’d rather see you hanged first, and I swear, before I fall in love again, I’ll feed my dogs with my own body.
(Exit)
(Exit)
2. Co. Wench. Now he is gone, our dancing may go forward.
2. Co. Wench. Now that he’s gone, we can continue dancing.
2. Hunt. My Lord Acteon stays, be quick, I pray.
2. Hunt. My Lord Acteon is waiting, please hurry.
3. Co. Wench. Quick as you will; the doing of it quick, makes it shew the better.
3. Company Wench. Do it as quickly as you can; doing it quickly makes it look better.
(A Country Dance. Then Exeunt.)
(A Country Dance. Then Exit.)
Enter Acteon and Bumpkin.
Enter Acteon and Bumpkin.
Acteon. Be nimble, Sirrah.
Acteon. Be quick, Sir.
Bump. Nimble? yes, as a bear that hath been lug'd to purpose: if Love be such a troublesome Companion I will entreat him to keep out of my Company.
Oops. Quick? Yeah, like a bear. that's been dragged around for a reason: if Love is such a troublesome friend, I’ll ask him to stay away from me.
Acteon. We consume the day.
Acteon. We seize the day.
Bump. They have saved me a labour.
Bump. They've saved me a ton of work.
Acteon. Fie, what mean you? The glory of the day calls us to action.
Acteon. Come on, what are you saying? The glory of the day urges us to take action.
1. Hunt. Sir, you may please to know, that yesternight I lodged a boar within the neighbouring Forest.
1. Hunt. Sir, I wanted to inform you, that last night I caught a boar in the nearby forest.
Bump. Yes, Sir, and I lodged a Fox at a house hard by.
Bump. Yes, Sir, and I placed a Fox at a nearby house.
A nice new ballad to sing both
Even and Morne,
Regarding the brutal murder of Sir John
Barley grain.
I heard a merry greeting:
I heard a cheerful greeting:
A pleasant toy, and full of joy,
A cheerful toy, filled with happiness,
two noble men were meeting.
two noblemen were meeting.
And as they walked for to sport,
And as they walked to have fun,
upon a Sommers day,
on a summer day,
Then with another nobleman
Then with another nobleman
they went to make a fray.
they went to start a fight.
Whose name was sir John Barley Corne,
Whose name was Sir John Barleycorn,
he dwelt downe in a dale;
he lived down in a valley;
Who had a kinsman dwelt him nigh,
Who had a relative living nearby,
they cal'd him Thomas Goodale.
they called him Thomas Goodale.
Another named Richard Beere,
Another person named Richard Beere,
was ready at that time
was ready back then
Another worthy knight was there
Another noble knight was present
call'd sir William White Wine.
called Sir William White Wine.
Some of them fought in a blacke Jacke
Some of them fought in a black jacket.
some of them in a Can,
some of them in a can,
But the chiefest in a black pot,
But the best in a black pot,
like a worthy noble man.
like a respectable nobleman.
Sir John Barley-corne fought in a Boule,
Sir John Barley-corne fought in a Boule,
who wonne the victorie;
who won the victory;
And made them all to fume and sweare
And made them all angry and curse
that Barley-corne should die.
that Barley-corn should die.
Some said kill him, some said drowne,
Some said to kill him, some said to drown him,
others wisht to hang him hie,
others wished to hang him high,
For as many as follow Barley-corne,
For all followers of Barley-corne,
shall surely beggers die.
shall surely beggars die.
Then with a plough they plowed him up
Then they plowed him up with a plow.
and thus they did devise,
and so they came up with,
To burie him quicke within the earth,
To bury him quickly in the ground,
and swore he should not rise.
and swore he would not get up.
With horrowes strong they combed him,
With strong horrors, they tortured him,
and burst clods on his head;
and smashed clumps on his head;
A joyfull banquet then was made
A joyful banquet was then held
when Barly-Corne was dead.
when Barly-Corne died.
He rested still within the earth,
He rested quietly within the earth,
till raine from skies did fall,
till rain from the skies fell,
Then he grew up in branches greene,
Then he grew up in green branches,
which sore amaz'd them all.
which sore surprised them all.
And so grew up till Mid-sommer,
And so grew up until Midsummer,
which made them all afeard,
which scared them all,
For he was sprouted up on hie,
For he had grown up quickly,
and got a goodly beard.
and grew a nice beard.
Then he grew till S. James tide,
Then he grew till S. James time,
his countenance was wan,
his face was pale,
For he was growne unto his strength,
For he had grown into his strength,
and thus became a man.
and thus became a man.
With hookes and sickles keene
With hooks and sharp sickles
They Cut his legs off by the knees
They chopped off his legs at the knees.
and made him wounds full wide.
and inflicted deep wounds on him.
Thus bloodily they cut him downe
Thus they brutally cut him down.
from place where he did stand,
from the place where he stood,
And like a thiefe for treachery,
And like a thief for betrayal,
they bound him in a band.
they tied him up in a band.
So then they tooke him up againe
So they picked him up again.
according to his kind;
according to his type;
And packt him up in severall sackes,
And packed him up in several sacks,
to wither with the wind.
to fade away with the wind.
And with a pitch forke that was sharpe
And with a sharp pitchfork
they rent him to the heart,
they rent him to the heart,
And like a thiefe for treason vile,
And like a thief for a terrible betrayal,
they bound him in a cart.
they tied him up in a cart.
And tending him with weapons strong
And taking care of him with strong weapons
unto the towne they hye,
to the town they go,
And straight they mowed him in a mow
And right away, they cut him down in a swath.
and there they let him lie.
and there they let him lie.
Then he lay groning by the wals,
Then he lay groaning by the walls,
till all his wounds were sore,
till all his wounds were painful,
At length they tooke him up againe,
At last, they picked him up again,
and cast him on the floore.
and threw him on the floor.
They hyred two with holly clubs,
They hired two with holly clubs,
to beat on him at once,
to strike him right away,
They thwacked so on Barly-corne,
They hit hard on Barly-corne,
that flesh fell from the bones.
that flesh fell from the bones.
And then they tooke him up againe,
And then they picked him up again,
to fulfill womens minde,
to fulfill women's minds,
They dusted him, and they sifted him,
They went through his things, and they sorted him out,
till he was almost blind.
until he was almost blind.
And then they knit him in a sacke,
And then they wrapped him in a sack,
which grieved him full sore,
which greatly troubled him,
for three days space and more.
for three days and beyond.
And then they took him up againe,
And then they picked him up again,
and laid him for to drie,
and laid him out to dry,
They cast him on a chamber floore,
They threw him on a chamber floor,
and swore that he should die.
and vowed that he would die.
They rubbed him and they stirred him,
They rubbed him and stirred him,
and still they did him turne,
and still they changed him,
The malt man swore that he should die,
The malt man swore that he would die,
his body he would burne.
he would burn his body.
They spightfully tooke him up againe,
They spitefully took him up again,
So dried him there with fire hot
So he dried off there with hot fire
and thus they wraught their will.
and so they did as they pleased.
Then they brought him to the mill,
Then they took him to the mill,
and there they burst his bones,
and there they shattered his bones,
The Miller swore to murther him,
The Miller swore to murder him,
betwixt a pair of stones.
between a pair of stones.
Then they tooke him up againe,
Then they picked him up again,
and serv'd him worse than that,
and treated him even worse than that,
For with hot scalding liquor store
For with hot, scalding drinks at the store
they washt him in a Fat
they washed him in a Fat
But not content with this, God wot,
But not satisfied with this, God knows,
that did him mickle harme;
that did him a lot of harm;
With threatening words they promised
They made threatening promises
to beat him into barme.
to beat him into shape.
And lying in this danger deep,
And lying in this deep danger,
for feare that he should quarrell,
for fear that he might start a fight,
They tooke him straight out of the fat,
They took him straight out of the fat,
and tunn'd him in a barrell.
and stuffed him in a barrel.
And then they set a tap to him,
And then they set a trap for him,
even thus his death begun;
even so his death began;
They drew out every drain of blood,
They drained out every drop of blood,
Whilst any drop would run.
While any drop would run.
Some brought jacks129 upon their backs,
Some carried jacks __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ on their backs,
some brought bill and bow,
some brought bills and bows,
And every man his weapon had,
And each man had his weapon,
Barly-Corne to overthrow.
Barly-Corne to take down.
When sir John Goodale heard of this
When Sir John Goodale heard about this
he came with mickle might,
he came with great strength,
And there he took their tongues away,
And there he took their voices away,
their legs or else their sight.
their legs or vision.
And thus sir John in each respect
And so, Sir John in every way
so paid them all their hire,
so paid them all their wages,
That some lay sleeping by the way,
That some lay sleeping along the way,
some tumbling in the mire.
some rolling in the mud.
Some lay groning by the wals,
Some lay groaning by the walls,
some in the streets downeright,
some in the streets outright,
The best of them did scarcely know
The best of them hardly knew
what they had done ore night.
what they had done over the night.
FINIS.
THE END.
London, Printed for John Wright,131 and are to be sold at his shop in Guilt spurre Street at the signe of the Bible.
London, printed for John Wright,131 and available for sale at his shop on Guilt Spur Street at the sign of the Bible.
A very slight comparison with Robert Burns' poem on this subject will show how much he was indebted to this version, having plagiarised, almost verbally, in many parts.
A small comparison with Robert Burns' poem on this topic will demonstrate how much he relied on this version, having copied, nearly word-for-word, in many sections.
126 Hied.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Died.
127 Vat
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ VAT
128 Kiln
Kiln
129 A thick leather coat; here used in another sense as a "black jack" or leather can.
129 A heavy leather coat; in this context, it refers to a "black jack" or leather container.
130 Sorrow.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Sadness.
131 A John Wright at the Bible, near Newgate, published between 1624 and 1627; but a J. Wright in Giltspur Street published from 1670 to 1690. In the Roxburghe Ballads are three editions of this ballad, catalogued (?) 1650, 1690, 1730.
131 A John Wright at the Bible, near Newgate, published between 1624 and 1627; but a J. Wright in Giltspur Street published from 1670 to 1690. In the Roxburghe Ballads are three editions of this ballad, catalogued (?) 1650, 1690, 1730.
How Tarlton tooke Tobacco at the first comming up of it.
[77.] Tarlton, (as other Gentlemen used) at the first comming up of Tabacco, did take it more for fashion's sake than otherwise, & being in a roome, set between two Men overcome with Wine, and they never seeing the like, wondred at it; and seeing the vapour come out of Tarlton's nose, cryed out Fire, fire, and then threw a Cup of Wine in Tarlton's face. Make no more stirre, quoth Tarlton, the fire is quenched: if the Sheriffes come, it will turne to a fine, as the Custome is. And drinking that againe, Fie, sayes the other, what a stinke it makes, I am almost poisoned. If it offend, saies Tarlton, let's every one take a little of the smell, and so the savour will quickly goe: but Tobacco whiffes made them leave him to pay all.
[77.] Tarlton, like other gentlemen, first tried tobacco more for show than anything else. While in a room with two men who were drunk and had never seen anything like it, they were amazed. When they saw the smoke coming out of Tarlton's nose, they shouted, "Fire, fire!" and then threw a cup of wine in Tarlton's face. "Don't make a fuss," said Tarlton, "the fire's out now. If the sheriffs show up, it’ll turn into a fine, like it always does." After drinking again, one of the men remarked, "Ugh, what a stench! I feel like I’m almost poisoned." "If it bothers you," said Tarlton, "let's all take a whiff, and then the smell will go away quickly." But the tobacco smoke made them leave him to settle the bill.
And that was, Stand; and, after, stand—Deliver.
And that was, Stand; and then, stand—Deliver.
But Dick's in Newgate, and he fears shall never
But Dick's in Newgate, and he fears he'll never
Be blest again with that sweet word, Deliver.
Be blessed again with that sweet word, Deliver.
[12.]A tall Man void of wit,
A tall, not-so-smart guy,
We may compare him fit
We can compare him suitable
To a House six Stories high at least;
To a house at least six stories tall;
Where commonly we see
Where we typically see
That the upper Rooms be
That the upper rooms be
Worst furnish'd than any of the rest.
Worst furnished than any of the others.
[78.] One hearing a Usurer say he had been on the pike of Teneriff (which is supposed to be one of the highest hils in the worlde) asked him why he had not stay'd there, for he was perswaded hee would never come so neere heaven againe.
[78.] One person heard a moneylender say he had been on the peak of Tenerife (which is thought to be one of the highest hills in the world) and asked him why he hadn’t stayed there, convinced he would never get so close to heaven again.
[32.] I consume my mother that bare me, I eat my nurse that fed me, then I dye leaving all blind that saw me.
[32.] I take in my mother who gave me life, I eat my caregiver who nourished me, then I die leaving all those who saw me in the dark.
Solution. Meant of the flame of a Candle, which having consumed both wax and weeke, goeth out leaving them in the dark that saw by it.
Solution. Meant by the flame of a candle, which after consuming both wax and wick, goes out, leaving those who were illuminated by it in the dark.
The following shows the extent to which political satire can be carried, and its wit and rarity must be my apology for introducing it:—
The following illustrates how far political satire can go, and its cleverness and uniqueness should serve as my excuse for bringing it up:—
The PARLIAMENTS X Commandements
- [79.]Thou shalt have no other Gods but the LORDS and COMMONS assembled at Westminster.
- Thou shalt not make any Addresses to the King, nor yeeld obedience to any of his Commands; neither shalt thou weare any Image either of him or his Posterity; thou shalt not bow down unto him, nor Worship him, for Wee are jealous Gods, and will visite such sinnes unto the third and fourth Generation of them that hate us, and will not observe our Votes, Orders, and Ordinances.
- Thou shalt not take the Names of Us, your GODS in vaine, for we cannot hold you guiltlesse that take our Names in vaine.
- Remember that thou keep holy the Fast Day, for that is Our Sabbath; in it thou shalt doe no manner of Work, for we have blessed that Day, and hallowed it.
- [pg 214]Thou shalt neither yeeld Honor nor Obedience to the King (thy Countries Father) or thy Naturall Father or Mother, so Wee will make thy dayes long in the lands which we shall take from the ungodly and wicked ones, to bestow upon thee.
- Thou shalt Remove the Wicked One from his Throne, and his Posterity from off the face of the Earth.
- Thou shalt edify the Sisters, and abundantly increase and multiply the Saints.
- Thou shalt get all thou canst; part from nothing; doe no right, take no rong, neither pay any Debts.
- Thou shalt be a Witness for us, against whomsoever we judge to be Wicked, that so We may cut them off, that the Saints may enjoy abundance of all things.
- Thou shalt enjoy thy Neighbours House, his Wife, his Servant, his Maid, his Oxe, or his Asse, or any thing that belongs unto him; Provided he first be Voted (by US) to be a wicked or ungodly Person.
All these Commandements Wee require you, and every of you with all diligence to observe; and We your LORDS and GODS will incline your hearts to keepe the Same.
We ask you to follow all these commandments., and each of you to pay close attention to observe; and we, your Lords and Gods, will guide your hearts to keep them.
The Parliaments PATER NOSTER.
Our Fathers, which think your Houses of Parliament to be heaven; you would be honoured as GODS, because CHARLES his Kingdome is come unto you; your wills must be done on earth, as unto the God of heaven; you have gotten the day, and dispose of our daily bread; you will not forgive any, neither must you look to be forgiven; you lead us into rebellion and all other mischiefs, but cannot deliver us from evil. Yours is the Kingdom, the power and glory, Parliament everlasting. Amen.
Our leaders, who think your Houses of Parliament are like heaven; you would be revered like gods because Charles’ kingdom has come to you; your wishes must be done on earth, just like the will of God in heaven; you've won the day, and control our daily bread; you won't forgive anyone, nor should you expect to be forgiven; you lead us into rebellion and all sorts of trouble, but cannot save us from evil. Yours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, Parliament forever. Amen.
The ARTICLES of the FAITH.
I Beleeve in CROMWELL, the Father of all Schisme, Sedition, Heresy and Rebellion, and in his onely Son Ireton, our Saviour, begotten by the Spirit in a hole, borne of a [pg 215] winching Mare, suffered under a house of Office at Brainford, he deserves to be drawn, hang'd and quartered, and to remain unburied: for he descended into Hull, the third day he rose up in Rebellion against his KING, and now sitteth at the right hand of the gods at Westminster. He beleeves there is no Holy Ghost, nor Catholique Church, nor forgiveness of sins, but the Communion of the Sisters, the resurrection of his Members, and Parliament everlasting. AMEN.
I believe in CROMWELL, the father of all division, unrest, heresy, and rebellion, and in his only son Ireton, our savior, conceived by the spirit in a hole, born of a [pg 215] nag, suffered under a toilet at Brainford, he deserves to be drawn, hanged, and quartered, and to remain unburied: for he descended into Hull, the third day he rose up in rebellion against his KING, and now sits at the right hand of the gods at Westminster. He believes there is no Holy Ghost, nor Catholic Church, nor forgiveness of sins, but the communion of the Sisters, the resurrection of his Members, and an everlasting Parliament. AMEN.
Ordered.—That these new Commandements, Pater Noster, and Creed be read in all Parish Churches and Congregations, throughout England and Wales.
Ordered.—That these new Commandments, Our Father, and Creed be read in all parish churches and congregations across England and Wales.
That some Rogues of his Hall
That some shady characters in his Hall
Had abus'd him late in his Stall;
Had abused him recently in his stable;
I desire some redress
I want some compensation
And you can do no less,
And you can't do any less,
'Cause of 'em you are the Principal.
'Cause of them you are the Principal.
The Miser mump'd of his Gold.
or
or
The merry Frolick of a Lady of Pleasure in
The cheerful antics of a lady of pleasure in
Bartholomew Fair; shewing how
Bartholomew Fair; showing how
she fed the Usurer with Pig,
she fed the Usurer with pork,
but made him pay for
but made him pay for
the Sawce.
the Sauce.
To the Tune of Let Cæsar live long.
To the Tune of Let Caesar Live Long.
Licensed according to order.
Licensed as per order.
Was powder'd and painted, nay drest in her Hair;
Was powdered and painted, even dressed in her hair;
In such rich Apparel she then did appear,
In such luxurious clothing, she then appeared,
As if her Estate was ten thousand a Year:
As if her estate was ten thousand a year:
She fed them with Pig, but they paid for the Sawce.
She fed them with pork, but they paid for the sauce.
Among all the rest I will mention but one,
Among all the others, I will mention just one,
A Miser, who is in fair London well known;
A miser, who is well-known in fair London;
Yet I will forbear now to mention his Name,
Yet I will hold off on mentioning his name for now,
Because I am willing to keep free from blame:
Because I want to stay out of trouble:
Of this wretched Miser she made a meer Ass
She made a complete fool out of this pathetic miser.
She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.
She fed him with pig, but he paid for the sauce.
Tis known this old Miser he seldom did eat
Tis known this old miser seldom ate.
From Years-end to Years end a meal of good meat;
From year’s end to year’s end, a meal of good meat;
Except it was given him freely, and then
Except it was given to him freely, and then
He would eat as much as five labouring Men:
He would eat as much as five working men:
He hapn'd to meet with this beautiful Lass
He happened to meet this beautiful girl
Who fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.
Who fed him with pig, but he paid for the sauce.
And under his Arm he had seven score Pounds:
And under his arm, he had 140 pounds:
The which he was going that Morning to lend:
The place he was going to lend that morning:
This Lady she met him, and said My dear Friend
This lady met him and said, "My dear friend."
Your former good Nature lays claim to a Glass:
Your previous kindness deserves a chance:
She found Wine and Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.
She found Wine and Pig, but he paid for the Sauce.
The Miser he told here he dare not drink Wine
The Miser said here that he didn’t dare to drink wine.
Nor any such liquors until he had Din'd:
Nor any such drinks until he had eaten:
Quoth she, since we here did so luckily meet,
Quoth she, since we happened to meet here so fortunately,
I now am resolved to give thee a treat:
I have decided to give you a treat:
Away to her chamber they straightways did pass,
Away to her room they immediately went,
She fed him with pig, but he paid for the Sawce.
She fed him pork, but he paid for the sauce.
A Dinner she straightways provided with speed,
A dinner she whipped up.
The Miser he like an old Farmer did feed;
The Miser, just like an old farmer, did feed;
Concluding that he should have nothing to pay,
Concluding that he didn’t owe anything,
But to eat and drink, aye, and so go his way;
But to eat and drink, yeah, and then go on his way;
The Lady supply'd him with Glass after Glass,
The Lady served him one drink after another,
She found him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.
She found him with Pig, but he paid for the Sauce.
This Lady supply'd him with Liquor good store,
This lady provided him with plenty of liquor,
Till he was not able to drink any more;
Until he couldn't drink anymore;
Full bowls of Canary he had drank so deep,
Full bowls of Canary he had drunk so deeply,
That all of a sudden he fell fast asleep:
That he suddenly fell into a deep sleep:
Thus of this Old Miser she made a meer Ass,
So she turned this old miser into a complete fool,
She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.
She fed him with pork, but he paid for the sauce.
She shook him, and finding that he would not wake,
She shook him, and when she realized he wouldn’t wake up,
The Sevenscore Pound she did presently take;
The Sevenscore Pound she took right away;
Then locking the Miser up in an old Chest,
Then locking the miser in an old chest,
This brings me, in short, to the Cream of the Jest:
This brings me, in short, to the main point:
Thus her waggish purpose was soon brought to pass,
So her playful plan was quickly achieved,
She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.
She fed him with pork, but he paid for the sauce.
Now he having told her before where he dwelt,
Now he had previously told her where he lived,
In this subtle manner she cunningly dealt;
In this clever way, she skillfully handled things;
Straight calling a Porter to finish this strife,
Straight up calling a Porter to wrap up this conflict,
The Miser she sent in a Chest to his Wife:
The miser sent a chest to his wife:
Without e're a Penny in Silver, alas!
Without even a penny in silver, unfortunately!
Thus she fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.
So she fed him pork, but he paid for the sauce.
This Lady she gave him two Shillings at first,
This lady gave him two shillings at first,
And bade him be sure he was true to his Trust;
And told him to make sure he was faithful to his Trust;
Now for to deliver his Burthen with Care,
Now to carry his burden with care,
For why, I must tell you it is Merchant's Ware:
For that reason, I have to tell you it’s Merchant's Ware:
And thus the poor Miser was made a meer Ass,
And so the poor Miser was turned into a complete fool,
She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.
She fed him with pig, but he paid for the sauce.
Now just as the Porter came to his own Door,
Now just as the Porter reached his own door,
The Miser awak'd, and loudly did roar;
The Miser woke up and roared loudly;
The honest poor Porter was frighten'd, alack!
The honest poor porter was scared, oh no!
Supposing that he had Old Nick at his back:
Supposing he had Old Nick backing him up:
But it was the wretched Old Miser, alas!
But it was the miserable Old Miser, unfortunately!
Who was fed with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce.
Who was fed with pig, but he paid for the sauce.
The Wife she was frighten'd this Wretch to behold,
The Wife was scared to see this Wretch.
The Miser stark-mad for his Silver and Gold;
The miser obsessed with his silver and gold;
But all was in vain, tho' he search'd Smithfield round,
But it was all in vain, even though he searched Smithfield all around,
The Lady of Pleasure was not to be found:
The Lady of Pleasure was nowhere to be found:
Thus of an Old Miser she made a meer Ass,
So she turned an old miser into a complete fool,
She gave him roast Pig, but he paid for his Sawce.
She gave him roast pig, but he paid for his sauce.
132 Swaggering.
Strutting.
133 Had been collecting money.
Had been raising funds.
[77.] In the Country where the Queenes Plaiers were accepted into a Gentleman's house, the waggon unloading of the apparell, the Wagoner comes to Tarlton & doth desire him to speake to the Steward for his horses. I will saies he: & comming to the Steward, Sir, saies Tarlton, where shall our horses spend the time? The Gentleman looking at Tarlton at that question, suddenly answered, If it please you, or them, let them walke a turne or two, or there is a faire garden, let them play a game or two at bowles in the Alley: and departs thence about his other businesse. Tarlton commending the sudden wit of the Steward, saith little. But my Steward, not quiet, tels to the Gentlewomen above, how he had driven Tarlton to a non plus with a jest, whereat they all did laugh heartily: which a Serving man loving Tarlton well, ranne and told him as much. Tarlton, to adde fuell to the fire, and loth to rest thus put off with a jest, goes away and gets two of the horses into the Garden, & turnes them into the bowling Alley, who with their heeles made havocke: being the Gentleman's only pastime. The Ladies above from a window, seeing horses in the Garden Alley call the Knight, who cries out to Tarlton, Fellow, what meanest thou? Nothing, Sir, saies he, but two of my horses are at seven up, for a peck of Provender; a foolish match that I made. Now they being in play at bowles, run, run, your Steward may come after and cry rub, rub: at which, though they smiled, yet the Steward had no thankes for his labour, to set the horses to such an exercise, & they could not blame Tarlton, who did but as he was bidden. But by this Jest, oates and hay, stable room and all, was plenty.
[77.] In the country where the queen's players were welcomed into a gentleman's home, as the wagon unloaded the costumes, the driver approached Tarlton and asked him to speak to the steward about his horses. "Sure," Tarlton replied. When he reached the steward, he said, "Sir, where should our horses hang out?" The gentleman, looking at Tarlton upon hearing this, quickly responded, "If you or they would like, let them take a turn or two walking, or there's a nice garden; they can play a game or two of bowls in the alley." He then walked away to attend to his other matters. Tarlton, impressed by the steward's quick wit, said little. However, my steward, not content, told the ladies above how he had caught Tarlton off guard with a joke, which made them all laugh heartily. A servant who liked Tarlton ran to tell him this. Tarlton, wanting to add fuel to the fire and not wanting to be dismissed with just a joke, went off and brought two of the horses into the garden, letting them loose in the bowling alley, where they made a mess, being the gentleman's only amusement. The ladies above, seeing horses in the garden alley, called for the knight, who shouted at Tarlton, "Hey there, what’s going on?" "Nothing, Sir," Tarlton replied, "but two of my horses are playing a game of seven up for a sack of feed; it's a silly bet I made." As the horses played at bowls, he added, "Run, run, your steward can come after and holler 'rub, rub'." Though they smiled at this, the steward received no thanks for his efforts in letting the horses take such exercise, and they couldn't really blame Tarlton, who was just following orders. But thanks to this joke, oats, hay, stable space, and everything else were plentiful.
[81.]Fast bind, fast find: my Bible was well bound;
[81.]Fast binding, quick finding: my Bible was well bound;
A Thiefe came fast, and loose my Bible found:
A thief came quickly, and found my Bible lying around:
Was't bound and loose at once? how can that be?
Was it bound and loose at the same time? How is that possible?
'Twas loose for him, although 'twas bound for me.
'It was loose for him, although it was tight for me.'
[78.] One sayd a prodigall was like a brush that spent it self to make others goe handsome in their Cloathes.
[78.] One said a spendthrift was like a brush that wore itself out to help others look good in their clothes.
[61.] A little crooked Gentleman had lately taken a very fair house to dwell in, and having nobly furnished it, he invites a friend of his who was a very merry man to see it, and to judge of his bargaine: the Gentleman asked him what rent he paid? The Crooked man answered him, that he gave an hundred pounds for a fine, and fifty pounds a year. Quoth his friend, I do not like your bargain. No! quoth the crooked Man, I am told that it is a very good penny worth. I am not of their mind, replyed his friend, for would any man be so mad to give fifty pounds a year for a house, that he cannot stand upright in. So they both laught, and went to dinner.
[61.] A somewhat crooked gentleman recently moved into a nice house, and after furnishing it nicely, he invited a cheerful friend over to see it and assess his deal. The gentleman asked him what rent he paid. The crooked man replied that he paid a hundred pounds for the deposit and fifty pounds a year. His friend said, "I don’t like your deal." "No?" replied the crooked man, "I’ve been told it’s a great value." His friend responded, "I don't agree, because who would be crazy enough to pay fifty pounds a year for a house where you can’t stand up straight?" They both laughed and went to dinner.
Where faces were the Subject of their Chat;
Where faces were the topic of their conversation;
Some look'd too pale, some seem'd too fiery red,
Some looked too pale, some seemed too fiery red,
Some brown, some black, and some ill fashioned.
Some brown, some black, and some poorly made.
Good Lord (quoth she) you all are much to blame,
Good Lord (she said), you all are very much at fault,
Let's alone, and praise the maker of the same:
Let's step aside and give thanks to the creator of it all:
Her Chamber maid, who heard her, standing by,
Her maid, who heard her, was standing nearby,
Said, then love me, for that you know was I.
Said, then love me, because you know that was me.
[82.] Myselfe caried an old fellow by water, that had wealth enough to be Deputy of the Ward, and wit sufficient for a Scavenger; the water being somewhat rough, hee was much afraid, and (in stead of saying his prayers) he threatened me, that if I did drowne him, hee would spend a hundred pound, but hee would see me hanged for it; I desired him to be quiet and feare nothing, and so in little space I landed him at the Beares Colledge on the Bank-side,134 (alias Paris Garden.) Well (said he) I am glad I am off the water, for if the Boat had miscarried, I could have swum no more than a Goose.
[82.] I transported an old guy by boat who had enough money to be a Deputy of the Ward and enough sense for a Scavenger. The water was a bit rough, and he was really scared. Instead of praying, he threatened me that if I drowned him, he would spend a hundred pounds to make sure I was hanged for it. I told him to calm down and not to worry. Soon enough, I brought him safely to the Bear's College on the Bankside,134 (also known as Paris Garden). "Well," he said, "I’m glad to be off the water because if the boat had capsized, I couldn’t swim any better than a goose."
134 Paris Garden, Southwark, was a famous place for bear-baiting and other sports.
134 The Paris Garden in Southwark was a well-known spot for bear-baiting and other types of entertainment.
Said his Wife did long,
Said his wife did long,
And what was it for but Mackrill?
And what was it for if not Mackrill?
But he told him no,
But he said no,
It must not be so,
It shouldn't be like that.
She's well now, and that will make her ill.
She's doing well now, and that will make her sick.
[17.] There were three Brothers named Buck, and having venison, made three Pasties; and one of those who were invited was nam'd Cooke, and thinking to play upon the Brothers, said, Here is Buck, Buck, Buck. True, says one of the Brothers, Buck is good meat, but what says the Proverb; God sends meat, and the Devil sends Cooks.
[17.] There were three brothers named Buck, and they made three pies using venison. One of the guests invited was named Cooke, and trying to tease the brothers, said, "Here's Buck, Buck, Buck." One of the brothers replied, "Buck is good meat, but what does the proverb say? God sends meat, and the Devil sends cooks."
[4.] A Fool being very sick, and like to dye, one that went to see him, went to comfort him, bidding him Chear up. For if you dye, says he, four proper Fellows shall carry you to Church: Ay but, quoth he, I had rather by half go thither myself.
[4.] A sick man, close to death, had a visitor who tried to comfort him, encouraging him to stay positive. Because if you die, he said, four good friends will carry you to the church: Yeah, but, he replied, I’d much rather go there myself.
THE WELSHMAN'S PRAISE OF WALES.
From whence the Welse does take her Root;
From where the Welse originates;
Nor tell long Pedigree of Prince Camber,
Nor tell the long lineage of Prince Camber,
Whose Linage would fill full a Shamber;
Whose lineage would completely fill a chamber;
Nor sing the Deeds of old Saint Davy,
Nor sing the deeds of old Saint Davy,
The Ursip of which would fill a Navy;
The Ursip of which would fill a Navy;
But hark ye now for a liddel Tales
But listen now for a little tale
Sal make great deal to the Credit of Wales:
Sal makes a big contribution to the Credit of Wales:
For hur will tudge your Ears,
For her will judge your ears,
With the Praise of hur Thirteen Seeres,
With the Praise of her Thirteen Seers,
And make you as Clad and Merry,
And make you feel just as dressed up and happy,
As Fourteen Pot of Perry.
As Fourteen Pot of Perry.
'Tis true was wear him Shirkin Frieze,
'Tis true was wear him Shirkin Frieze,
But what is that? we have store of Sheize;
But what is that? We have a lot of Sheize;
And Got is plenty of Coates Milk,
And God has plenty of Coates Milk,
That sell him well, will buy him silk
That sells him well will buy him silk.
Enough to make him fine to Quarrel,
Enough to make him ready to fight,
At Hereford Sizes in new Apparel.
At Hereford Sizes in new clothes.
And get him as much Melmet perhap
And get him as much Melmet as possible.
Sall give it a Face to his Monmouth Cap.
Sall put a face on his Monmouth Cap.
But then the Ore of Lemster,
But then the Ore of Lemster,
By Cot is Uver a Sempster;
By Cot is Uver a Seamstress;
That when he is Spun or Did
That when he is Spun or Did
Yet match him with her Thrid.
Yet pair him with her, Thrid.
And this the Backs now, let us tell ye
And this is the Backs now, let us tell you.
Of some Provisions for the Belly;
Of some Food for the Stomach;
As Cid and Gote and great Gote's Mother,
As Cid, Gote, and great Gote's Mother,
And Runt and Cow and great Cow's Uther:
And Runt, Cow, and great Cow's Uther:
And once but taste on the Welse Mutton,
And once you simply taste the Welse Mutton,
Your Engliss Seeps not worth a Button;
Your Engliss Seeps not worth a dime;
Then for your Fisse, shall shoose it your Dish,
Then for your Fisse, choose it your Dish,
Look but about, and there's a Trout,
Look all around, and there's a Trout,
A Salmon, Cor or Chevin,
A salmon, cor, or chevin,
Will feed you Six or Seven,
Will feed you six or seven,
As taull Men as e'er Swagger
As tall men as ever swagger
With Welse Club and long Dagger.
With Welse Club and long Dagger.
But all this while was never think
But all this time was never thought
A word in praise of our Welse Drink;
A word of praise for our Welse Drink;
Yet for aull that, is a Cup of Bragat,
Yet for all that, is a cup of Bragat,
Aull England Seer may cast his Cap at;
Aull England Seer can take his shot at;
And what you say to Ale of Webley,
And what do you say to Ale of Webley,
Toudge him as well, you'll praise him Trebley.
Toudge him too, you'll praise him Trebley.
As well as Metheglin, or Sider, or Meath
As well as Metheglin, Sider, or Meath
Sall sake it your Dagger quite out o' the Seath.
Sall, take your dagger out of the sheath.
And Oate Cake of Guarthenion,
And *Oate Cake* of *Guarthenion*,
With a goodly Leek or Onion,
With a nice leek or onion,
To give as sweet a rellis,
To give as sweet a sentiment,
As e'er did Harper Ellis.
As ever did Harper Ellis.
And yet is nothing now all this,
And yet, all of this means nothing now,
If of our Musicks we do miss;
If we miss our songs;
With Harp and Pipes too and the Croud
With Harp and Pipes too and the Crowd
Must aull come in and tauk aloud.
Must all come in and talk aloud.
As loud as Bangu, Davy's Bell,
As loud as Bangu, Davy's Bell,
Of which is no doubt you have hear tell,
Of which there’s no doubt you have heard about,
As well as our louder Wrexam Organ,
Alongside our louder Wrexam Organ,
Or rumbling Rocks in the Seer of Glamorgan,
Or rumbling rocks in the seer of Glamorgan,
Where look you but in the Ground here,
Where are you looking but down here at the ground?
And you sall see a Sound there,
And you'll see a sound there,
That put her all togedder,
That brought her all together,
Is sweet as Measure Pedder.
Is sweet as Measure Pedder.
[52.] In Barnet was a young woman, that when her husband lay a dying, sorrowed out of measure, for feare that shee should lose him. Her father came to her, desiring her to be contented: for he had provided her another husband, a far more handsome man. But she did not onely continue in her [pg 223] sorrow, but was also greatly displeased, that her father made any motion to her of any other husband. As soone as her other husband was buried and the Sermon was done, and they were at supper, between sobbing and weeping, shee rounded her father in the eare, and said, Father, where is the young man that you told me should bee my husband? for very shortly I purpose to be maried. At which her father suddenly fell a laughing.
[52.] In Barnet, there was a young woman who, when her husband was dying, was heartbroken, fearing she would lose him. Her father came to her, urging her to be at peace, as he had found her another husband, one who was much more handsome. However, she not only remained in her grief but was also very upset that her father suggested another husband. As soon as her other husband was buried and the sermon was over, and they were having dinner, amid her sobbing and weeping, she whispered in her father's ear, "Father, where is the young man you said would be my husband? Because I intend to remarry very soon." At this, her father suddenly burst out laughing.
[82.] A Gallant in his youth was much addicted to dicing, and many times when he had lost all his money, then hee would pawne his cloake, and so goe home without either cloak or coyne, which grieved the Lady his Mother very much: for remedy whereof, she caused all his doublets (of what stuffe so ever) to be made with canvasse painted backes, whereon were fashioned two fooles, which caused the Gentleman ever after to keepe his cloake on his backe, for feare two of the three should be discovered.
[82.] A young man was really into gambling, and many times, after losing all his money, he would pawn his cloak and then go home without either a cloak or cash. This upset his mother a lot. To fix this, she had all his jackets made with painted canvas backs, featuring two fools, which made him keep his cloak on from then on, afraid that two out of three fools would be revealed.
Says a Fish; but I deny
Says a Fish; but I disagree
That, for had he not took the fly
That, for if he hadn't taken the fly
At first in his mouth,
At first in his mouth,
He had not, in truth,
He honestly hadn't,
Then have been tost up so high.
Then have been tossed up so high.
[52.] There was an unthrift in London, that had received of a Merchant certain Wares, which came to fifty pounds, to pay at three moneths; and at three moneths. But when he had it he consumed and spent it all: so that at the six moneths end there was not any left to pay the Merchant: Wherefore the Merchant arrested him. When he saw there was no other remedy, but either to pay the debt, or go to prison, he sent to a subtill Lawyer, and asked his Counsell how he might clear himself of that debt. What wilt thou give me, (quoth he) if I do? Five marks (quoth the other) and here it is: and as soon as you have done, you shall have it. Well, said the Lawyer, but thou must be ruled by my counsell, and do thus: When thou commest before the Judge, whatsoever [pg 224] he saith unto thee, answer thou nothing, but cry Bea, still, and let me alone with the rest. So when he came before the Judge, he said to the Debter, Dost thou owe this Merchant so much money? Bea (quoth he). What, beast? (quoth he) answer to that I aske thee. Bea (quoth he again.) Why, how now? quoth the Judge, I think this fellow hath gotten a sheeps tongue in his head: for he answereth in the sheeps language. Why, Sir, quoth the Lawyer, do you think this Merchant that is so wise a man, would be so foolish, as to trust this Ideot with fifty pounds worth of ware, that can speak never a word? No, Sir, I warrant you—And he persuaded the Judge to cast the Merchant in his own suit. And so the Judge departed, and the Court brake up. Then the Lawyer came to his Client, and asked him his Money, since his promise was performed, and his debt discharged. Bea (quoth he.) Why, thou needs't not cry Bea any longer, but pay me my money. Bea, (quoth he again). Why thou wilt not serve me so, I hope, (quoth the Lawyer) now I have used thee so kindly? But nothing but Bea could Master Lawyer get for his paines, and so was faine to depart with a flea in his eare.
[52.] There was a spendthrift in London who had received goods from a merchant worth fifty pounds, with payment due in three months. But when he got the items, he wasted all the money. So, by the end of six months, he had nothing left to pay the merchant. Because of this, the merchant arrested him. When he realized he had no choice but to either pay the debt or go to prison, he contacted a clever lawyer and asked for advice on how to get out of the debt. "What will you give me if I help you?" the lawyer asked. "Five marks," the man replied, "and here it is. Once you've helped me, you’ll get it." "Alright," said the lawyer, "but you need to follow my advice. When you stand before the judge, whatever he says to you, don't respond; just say ‘Bea’ and let me handle the rest." So when he appeared before the judge, the judge asked the debtor, "Do you owe this merchant this much money?" "Bea," the debtor replied. "What, beast?" the judge said. "Answer my question." "Bea," he said again. "What’s going on?" the judge remarked, "I think this guy has a sheep’s tongue because he keeps answering in sheep language." "Well, Sir," the lawyer interjected, "do you really think such a wise merchant would be foolish enough to trust this idiot with fifty pounds worth of goods, knowing he can’t say a word?" "No, Sir, I assure you," he continued. The lawyer convinced the judge to rule in favor of the merchant’s own suit. With that, the judge left, and the court session was over. The lawyer then approached his client and asked for his payment, since his promise had been fulfilled and his debt was cleared. "Bea," the client replied. "You don't need to say ‘Bea’ anymore; just pay me my money." “Bea,” he said again. "You can’t treat me like this, especially after I helped you so nicely," the lawyer said. But all the lawyer got for his trouble was more "Bea," and he had to leave with nothing to show for his efforts.
It is more horrid than a Pest-house is;
It is worse than a plague house.
For in a Pest-house many mortals enter,
For in a quarantine house, many people go in,
But in his purse, one angell dares not venture.
But in his wallet, one angel does not dare to go.
[61.] An old merry Parson that lived in the old merry dayes, being a little purblined by being a very good fellow that would alwayes pay his Clubb,135 having sat up late on the Satterday night, was a little unfitted in his eyes to read right the next morning; turned to a Chapter in Exodus, the beginning of the Chapter began thus, And God told Moses &c, but, his eyes failing him, like a true Clubber he read thus, And the Lord told Noses136 &c—
[61.] An old jolly priest who lived in the happy old days, was a little tipsy from being a really good guy who always paid his dues to the club,135 had stayed up late on Saturday night and wasn't quite in the right shape to read properly the next morning. He opened to a chapter in Exodus, which started with, And God told Moses &c, but, with his vision blurred, like a true club member, he read it as, And the Lord told Noses136 &c—
136 Counted heads, so that all should pay their due proportion.
136 Counted heads, so that everyone should pay their fair share.
[78.] Two Gentlemen talking in latin, in the presence of a woman, she grew jealous that they spake of her, and desired [pg 225] them to speake english that she might answer them, for she said she was perswaded when men spake latin, although they spake but two words, that still one of them was naught: where upon one of the Gentlemen sayd presently, Bona mulier,137 she replyed, I know bona is good, but I'le warrant ye the other word meanes something that's nought.
[78.] Two men were talking in Latin in front of a woman, and she got jealous because she thought they were discussing her. She asked them to speak in English so she could respond, saying she was convinced that whenever men spoke Latin, even if they only said two words, one of them meant something bad. At that, one of the men quickly said, Bona mulier,137 and she replied, I know bona means good, but I'm sure the other word means something bad.
137 Good woman.
Good woman.
The
Young-Man & Maidens Forecast;
showing how
They counted their chickens before they hatched.
To the Tune of, The Country Farmer, Or The Devonshire Damosels.
To the Tune of, The Country Farmer, Or The Devonshire Damosels.
This may be Printed R. P.
This may be Printed R. P.
Whose Providence prov'd her a Provident Ass;
Whose fate proved her a wise donkey;
She laid forth her store in such brittle Ware,
She displayed her goods in such fragile items,
That very small profit did fall to her share;
That tiny profit did come her way;
Thirteen to the Dozen of Eggs she would buy,
Thirteen dozen eggs she would buy,
And set a Hen over them carefully;
And carefully place a hen over them;
As long as she went her footing she watch'd,
As long as she walked, she observed,
She counted her Chickens before they were Hatch'd.
She counted her chickens before they were hatched.
Said she, if these Chickens five Capons do prove,
Said she, if these five chickens turn out to be capons,
Capons be Meat which Gentlemen love;
Capons are the meat that gentlemen love;
Those Chickens she would sell to buy a Sow-Pig,
Those chickens she would sell to buy a pig.
That it might have young ones e're it was big;
That it might have young ones before it got big;
Then with her Pigs she would have an Ewe,
Then with her pigs, she would have a ewe,
It may have Lambs not kill'd with the Dew;
It may have lambs that weren't killed by the dew;
And, as she was thinking to buy her a Calf,
And while she was thinking about buying her a calf,
Her Heels they flew from her a Yard and a half.
Her heels flew off her feet a yard and a half.
Her Heels kiss'd the ground, and up flew her Leggs,
Her heels touched the ground, and her legs shot up.
Down came her Basket, and broke all her Eggs;
Down came her basket and broke all her eggs;
There lay her Pigs, her Chickens, her Lambs,
There were her pigs, her chickens, her lambs,
She could not have young ones unless she had Dams;
She couldn't have babies unless she had Dams;
Thus Fortune did frown by a fall that she catcht,
Thus Fortune did frown by a fall that she caught,
Her Chickens prov'd Addle, before they were Hatcht:
Her chickens were all scrambled before they even hatched:
Attend but a while, and I'le briefly declare,
Attend for just a moment, and I'll quickly explain,
Bad fortune did likewise fall to the Man's share.
Bad luck also came to the Man.
And now the Man to the Market will go,
And now the man will go to the market,
To see what Dame Nature on him will bestow;
To see what Mother Nature will grant him;
He bought him five Eggs, thinking to Thrive,
He bought him five eggs, thinking it would help him succeed.
And thus did the business finely contrive;
And so the business worked out perfectly;
Said he, if these Eggs five Cocks they will frame,
Said he, if these five eggs are made into roosters,
And most of them prove to be Cocks of the Game,
And most of them turn out to be the Top Dogs.
So soon as their Spurs are long enough grown,
So soon as their spurs are long enough grown,
Then I may ingross a Cock Pit of my own.
Then I might start my own cockfighting pit.
Then may I have Gallants of every sort,
Then may I have guys of every kind,
Both Lords, Knights and Squires, and all to see sport,
Both Lords, Knights, Squires, and everyone here to enjoy the entertainment,
If they Fight bravely these Gallants to please,
If these brave fighters strive to impress,
I may come to get Means by the rearing of these:
I might be able to get Means by raising these:
And when I have done, I'll get me a rich Wife,
And when I'm done, I'll marry a wealthy woman,
That I may live happy all days of my Life;
That I may live happily every day of my life;
And in the Church we will be loving matcht,
And in the Church, we will be a loving match.
But count not your Chickens before they are Hatcht.
But don't count your chickens before they hatch.
And when he came home he set his Eggs by,
And when he got home, he set his eggs aside,
He could not get up, the Roost was so high;
He couldn't get up; the Roost was too high.
But fetching a Ladder, that unhappy time,
But getting a ladder, that unfortunate time,
It was his hard luck with his Eggs for to Climb;
It was his bad luck with his Eggs for to Climb;
These Ladders prove fatal to many a Man,
These ladders are deadly to many people,
And are undone by them now and then;
And they get messed up by them from time to time;
So was this poor Man undone by a Fall,
So this poor man was ruined by a fall,
Down comes the Basket, Man, Eggs and all.
Down comes the basket, man, eggs and all.
There lay the poor Man with a fall almost Lame,
There lay the poor man with a seriously injured leg,
His Cock-Pits and Gallants, and Cocks of the Game;
His Cockpits, Dandies, and Game Cocks;
The loosing of this grieved him to the Life,
The loss of this deeply saddened him.
Yet the grief it was more in the loss of his Wife;
Yet the sorrow was more about losing his wife;
All you young Men live vertuous Lives,
All you young men live virtuous lives,
And think to get Portions now by your Wives;
And consider getting inheritances now through your wives;
Take warning by me before you are Matcht,
Take my advice before you get matched,
Pray count not your Chickens before they be Hatcht.
Don't count your chickens before they hatch.
FINIS.
FINIS.
Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner near West Smithfield.
Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner near West Smithfield.
[17.] In Ireland, a Bag-piper coming for England with his Snapsack on his shoulder, as he sate at dinner in a wood, three Wolves began to accost him; then he threw one bread, and another meat, and still they crept nearer to him; Upon which, being afraid, he took his bagpipes and began to play, at which noise the Wolves all ran away: A pox take you, says he, If I had known you had loved Musick so well, you should have had it before dinner.
[17.] In Ireland, a bagpiper arriving from England with his backpack on his shoulder, was sitting down for dinner in a forest when three wolves approached him. He tossed one piece of bread, then some meat, but they still crept closer. Feeling scared, he grabbed his bagpipes and started to play, which made the wolves run away. "Damn you," he said, "If I had known you liked music so much, you would have heard it before dinner."
[26.] A man was condemned the last Sessions to be hang'd for a Robbery; but before and after he was condemned, his careful, dear, and loving wife bid him take no care; for she had took care that he should not die; which made the man live more dissolutely than he would have done, but for his wife's confidence; which Confidence she continued to him till the night before he was to be hang'd; and then she came to him and told him, That all the great Promises made to her were come to nothing; for she could not procure him a Pardon by any means whatever; which put the poor [pg 228] man into such a Grief and Trembling that he was scarce himself. Come, husband, says she, take Heart, for though I cannot get you a Pardon, yet I'll tell you what I'll do for you; I will make you an excellent Cawdle tonight, which will make you sleep well, and another to morrow morning to comfort up your heart before you are hang'd: for truly I believe it troubles you as well as me, that I could not get your pardon; therefore pass it by this once; but if ever you come to be hang'd again, I'll warrant you, I'll get you pardon.
[26.] A man was sentenced to hang during the last session for robbery, but before and after his sentencing, his caring, dear, and loving wife urged him not to worry. She assured him that she had taken care of everything to ensure he wouldn’t die, which led him to live more recklessly than he would have otherwise, all because of his wife’s confidence in him. She maintained this confidence until the night before he was to be hanged, when she came to him and said that all the big promises made to her had come to nothing; she couldn't manage to get him a pardon in any way. This left the poor man in such grief and trembling that he could hardly think straight. “Come on, husband,” she said, “don’t lose hope. Even though I can’t get you a pardon, I’ll tell you what I’ll do for you; I will make you a delicious cawdle tonight that will help you sleep well, and I’ll make you another one tomorrow morning to lift your spirits before you’re hanged. It truly troubles me just as much as it does you that I couldn’t get your pardon, so let’s put that aside just this once. But if you ever find yourself facing a hangman again, I promise I’ll get you a pardon.”
In every place the Sun
In every place the Sun
Does rise every Morning soon;
Rises every morning soon;
'Tis not so, in every place,
'Tis not so, in every place,
For my Son t' his disgrace,
For my son, to his shame,
Never rises till the Afternoon.
Doesn't get up until afternoon.
[52.] A Gentleman of Norfolk, as he was riding towards London in the Winter time, and sitting by the fire side with his Host, untill supper could be made ready, there happened a Rabbit to be at the fire a rosting, which the Gentleman perceived to bee very leane, as he thought. Quoth he unto his Host, We have Rabbits in our Country, that one will drip a pottle, and baste itselfe. The In-keeper wondred with himselfe, and did think it to be a lie, but would not say so, for manners sake, and because he was his guest: but, thinking to requite him, Now truely, quoth he, it is very strange: but I can tell you of as strange a thing as that: Which the Gentleman was desirous to heare. Quoth he, I had as fine a Grayhound as any was in England: and if I had happened to goe abroad to my grounds, the Grayhound would alway go with me. And sometime there would start out a Hare before me, which my Grayhound would quickly catch. It fortuned that my dogge died, and for very love that I bare to him, I made me a bottle of his skin, to carry drinke withall, So, one time in hay harvest, my folkes being making of hay in my grounds, and the weather being hot, I filled my bottle with Beere, to carry to them, lest they should lack drink. And as [pg 229] I was going along, there starts a Hare out of a bush before me: and as it was my custome, I cryed, Now, now, now. My bottle leaping from my girdle, ran and catcht the Hare. What, (quoth the Gentleman) me thinks that should be a lie. Truly sir, said the In-keeper, so did I think yours was. The Gentleman perceiving that he was requited for his kindnesse, held himselfe contented.
[52.] A gentleman from Norfolk, while riding to London in the winter, was sitting by the fireplace with his host, waiting for supper to be ready. As they chatted, he noticed a rabbit roasting by the fire and thought it looked very thin. He said to his host, "We have rabbits in our country that are so plump they could drip a pint and baste themselves." The innkeeper was surprised and thought it might be a lie, but didn’t say so out of courtesy since the gentleman was his guest. Wanting to respond in kind, he said, "Well, that's quite strange, but I can tell you something just as odd." The gentleman was eager to hear it. The innkeeper continued, "I had a fine greyhound that was the best in England. Whenever I went out to my land, my greyhound always came with me. Sometimes a hare would jump out in front of me, and my greyhound would catch it quickly. One day, my dog died, and out of love for him, I made a bottle from his skin to carry drinks. One time, during hay harvest, while my workers were making hay in the hot weather, I filled my bottle with beer to bring to them so they wouldn’t go thirsty. As I was walking, a hare suddenly jumped out of a bush in front of me. As was my habit, I shouted, 'Now, now, now!' My bottle slipped from my belt, ran, and caught the hare." The gentleman replied, "I think that sounds like a lie." "Honestly, sir," said the innkeeper, "that’s what I thought about your story too." The gentleman, realizing he had been repaid in kind for his kindness, felt satisfied.
Thou hast lost a whole Minute,
You have lost a whole minute,
Hang Wenches and Play;
Hang out and play;
There's no pleasure in it.
There's no joy in it.
Faith take t'other glass
Faith, take the other glass.
Though the Nights old and grey,
Though the nights are old and gray,
We may all have a pass
We may all have a pass
To the Grave before day.
To the grave before dawn.
And in the cold forsaken Grave,
And in the cold, abandoned Grave,
There's no drink, Jack, no drink,
No drinks, Jack, no drinks.
No wine nor women, can we have:
No wine or women are allowed:
No Company but Worms that stinck.
No company but worms that smell.
Then name thy own health and begin it.
Then name your own health and start it.
[86.] The beginning of our late unnaturall broyles, was, among other causes imputed chiefly to the imposition of Ship-money, for which Mr Hambden was condemned in the Exchequer in a penall Sume by the consent of ten of the judges, who gave their opinion that that Taxe was legal, only Judge Hutton, and Judge Crook declared against it, so that a stop was put to the levying of it, whereupon a Countryman, no friend to the prerogative, said Wittily, The King may get Ship-money by Hooke, but not by Crook; but since that time other taxes ten times heavyer have been taken from us by Hook and Crook together.
[86.] The start of our recent unnatural conflicts was, among other reasons, mainly due to the imposition of Ship-money. Mr Hamden was fined in the Exchequer with a penalty amount approved by ten of the judges, who agreed that the tax was legal. Only Judge Hutton and Judge Crook opposed it, which led to a halt in its collection. Afterward, a countryman, who wasn’t a supporter of the monarchy, cleverly remarked, "The King may get Ship-money through Hook, but not through Crook." Since then, though, we've faced other taxes that are ten times heavier, imposed by both Hook and Crook.
[17.] A Country Farmer being sick, he and his Wife came to a Doctor, who advised him to drink Asses Milk and Sugar every morning, but if you can get no Asses milk come to me and I'll help you to some: says his Wife to him, pray do you think that the Doctor gives suck?
[17.] A country farmer was sick, so he and his wife went to a doctor. The doctor advised him to drink donkey milk with sugar every morning, but he said if they couldn't find donkey milk, they should come back to him and he would help them out. His wife then asked, "Do you really think the doctor is going to give us any?"
[61.] There was a Gentleman whose onely study and practice was Manhood, as football playing, Wrastling, Pitching the ball, throwing of Weights, Riding, and Fencing, in which active practises he was so perfect, that he over match'd all men that came neer him, insomuch, that he was the Glory of the West of England, and he was the Conqueror of all men that came to him, and grew froward that he could not find any man fit to match him, but it happened that one day after hunting, at a drinking Match in an Ale house, by chance he met a North Countryman who was highly extolling a great Gamester like himself in the North, who performed all exercises that were manly, and a person that was an over commer of all that durst engage him. The Western Gentleman desired his name and habitation, which was soon told him. But when he heard it, he was impatient of further delay, and therefore in order for a Journey to him he provided himself of all conveniences, and rid into the North, where with little enquiry he found the Gentleman's house, and knocking at the gate, he was informed by a Servant that his Master was in his Parke a mile off. The Traveller returned thanks, and with his Horse in his hand (guided by the Servants direction) he went to him, where he found him mending of a pale. Now take notice that this North Country Gentleman was a very stout man, but of very few words; and the Western Gentleman of as many, who thus began to accost him: Sir, I have intelligence that you are the stoutest man in all the North, and I am as highly reputed in the West, which hath provoked me to find you out, that we may trye both our strength and our skill, so far that fortune and time may Crown one of us, the only glorious man in England. The North Countryman was still at his worke: but heard distinctly all that he said: but returned no answer, onely when the other had ended speaking, and expected a reply the North Countryman comes fairly to him, puts his hand under his twist,138 and pitcheth him over the Park pales; the West Country man seeing him do that so easily, began to think there was no contending with him, and therefore very civilly, with his Hat in his hand, gave him a return in these words, I thank you, Sir, heartily. Pray throw my Horse over too.
[61.] There was a gentleman whose only focus and practice was on manly skills like playing football, wrestling, throwing the ball, throwing weights, riding, and fencing. He was so skilled in these activities that he outperformed every man who tried to face him. He became the pride of the West of England and defeated all challengers, to the point where he grew frustrated at not being able to find anyone worthy of a match. One day, after a hunting trip, he attended a drinking contest at a pub and by chance met a North Countryman who was praising a great athlete from the North who excelled in all manly pursuits and defeated everyone who dared to challenge him. The Western gentleman asked for the name and location of this athlete, which he received quickly. However, upon hearing it, he became eager to leave and immediately prepared for the journey, setting out for the North. With little effort, he found the gentleman's house, and after knocking at the gate, a servant informed him that his master was a mile away in the park. The traveler thanked him and, with his horse in hand as directed by the servant, made his way there, where he found the man fixing a fence. It's important to note that this North Country gentleman was very strong but spoke very little; the Western gentleman, on the other hand, talked a lot and approached him saying: "Sir, I’ve heard you’re the strongest man in all the North, and I have a similar reputation in the West. This has driven me to seek you out so we can test our strength and skills, hoping that fortune and time will crown one of us as the glorious champion of England." The North Countryman continued his work and heard all of this but didn’t reply. Only after the Western gentleman finished speaking and waited for an answer, did the North Countryman step over to him, place his hand under his waist,138 and toss him over the park fence. The Western gentleman, seeing this done so effortlessly, began to think he couldn’t compete. So, politely, with his hat in hand, he responded, "Thank you, Sir, very much. Could you please throw my horse over as well?"
138 Cotgrave says "twist" answers to the French "fourchure," a fork, or division, i.e. he caught hold of him between his legs.
138 Cotgrave says "twist" corresponds to the French "fourchure," meaning a fork or division, i.e. he grabbed him between his legs.
[5.]Be not wroth Cotta, that I not salute thee,
[5.]Don't be mad, Cotta, that I haven't greeted you,
I us'd it whilst I worthy did repute thee;
I used it while I thought I was worthy of you;
Now thou art made a painted Saint, and I,
Now you’ve become a painted Saint, and I,
Cotta, will not commit Idolatry.
Cotta won't commit idolatry.
[4.] A Lusty young Man in Somersetshire, after he had been Married about four Months, grew very Lean and Feeble, so that he cou'd hardly crawl a long; He, one day, seeing a Butcher run over a Plough'd Field after a Mad Bull, ask'd him the reason of it. Why, says the Butcher it is to Tame him: O, says the Fellow, Let him be Married, let him be Married; if that don't Tame him, I'll be hang'd.
[4.] A lively young man in Somersetshire, after being married for about four months, became very thin and weak, to the point where he could hardly move. One day, he saw a butcher running across a plowed field after a mad bull and asked him why. The butcher replied, "It's to tame him." The man said, "Oh, let him get married, let him get married; if that doesn't tame him, I’ll be hanged."
The Scolding WIFE.
To a pleasant New Tune.
To a nice new song.
[87.]There was a young man for lucre of gain
[87.]There was a young man who was motivated by the desire to make money.
he lov'd a Widow well,
he loved a widow well,
His friends did tell him often and plain,
His friends often told him straightforwardly,
in scolding she did excel.
she was great at scolding.
Why that is no matter, quoth he,
Why that doesn't matter, he said,
so I may have her Bags of Gold,
so I can have her bags of gold,
Let her not spare to Brawl and Scold,
Let her not hold back from fighting and yelling,
for I'll be as merry, as merry can be.
for I'll be as happy, as happy can be.
This Woodcock wedded his hearts desire,
This Woodcock married his heart's desire,
a Widow with Money enough;
a wealthy widow;
They was not so soon out of the Quire,
They were not long out of the Choir,
Methink you be very fine,
I think you're really great,
you can no quicker get you hence,
you can't leave any quicker,
Without such large and great expence,
Without such large and costly expenses,
of Sugar'd Sops and Musick to dine.
of sugar-coated treats and music to dine.
They was not all at supper set,
They weren't all seated for dinner,
or at the board sate down,
or at the board sat down,
E'er she began to brawl and scold,
E'er she started to fight and yell,
and call'd him a peaking Clown:
and called him a sneaky fool:
That nothing could he doe
That he could do nothing
that was pleasing in her sight,
that she liked,
But still she scolded day and night,
But she kept scolding day and night,
which made this merry man's heart full of woe.
which made this cheerful man's heart full of sorrow.
If he had provided any good cheer,
If he had offered any positive vibes,
for him and her alone,
for just him and her,
Then she wou'd a said, with words more hot,
Then she would have said, with more passionate words,
you might a done this of your own;
you might have done this on your own;
If sparingly he will be,
If he will be sparing,
then she would have said, with words more hot,
then she would have said, with more passionate words,
I will not be pinch'd of what I brought,
I won’t be deprived of what I brought,
but of mine own I will be free.
but on my own, I will be free.
That nothing he could doe,
That nothing he could do,
that was pleasing in his sight
he found that enjoyable
But still she scolded day and night,
But she kept scolding day and night,
which made this merry man's heart full of woe.
which made this cheerful man's heart full of sorrow.
A hundred times he curst
He cursed a hundred times.
the Priest, the Clerk, the Sexton too.
the Priest, the Clerk, and the Sexton as well.
And tongue that did the Widow wooe
And the tongue that wooed the Widow
and legs that brought him first.
and legs that brought him here first.
It fell out upon a day
It happened one day.
that with his friends he did devise
that he came up with ideas alongside his friends
To break her of her scolding guise,
To get her out of her scolding attitude,
and what they did they shall be wary;
and what they did they should be cautious;
They got and tyed her Arms,
They grabbed and tied her arms,
she could not them undoe.
she could not undo them.
And many other pretty Charms
And many other beautiful charms
they used her unto.
they used her.
Her Petticoat was rent and torn,
Her petticoat was ripped and torn,
upon her Back they did put on,
they placed on her back,
They tore her smock sleeves all along,
They ripped the sleeves of her smock all the way down,
as if a Bedlam she had been born;
as if she had been born in a madhouse;
Her hair about her head they shook,
Her hair around her head, they shook,
all with a Bramble bush.
all with a bramble bush.
They ring her Arms in every crook
They wrap her arms in every bend
till out the blood did gush,
till the blood started to flow,
And with an Iron Chain
And with an Iron Chain
fast by the leg he did her tye
fast by the leg he did her tye
There within an old dark House by;
There in an old, dark house;
so soon he went away again;
he left again so soon;
And with a countenance so sad
And with such a sad expression
he did his Neighbours call.
he made his neighbors call.
Quoth he my Wife is Mad,
Quoth he, "My wife is crazy."
she doth so rave and brawl;
she celebrates and argues;
Help Neighbours all therefore,
Help neighbors all the same,
to see if that you can reclaim,
to see if you can reclaim,
My Wife into her Wits again
My Wife is Losing Her Mind Again
for she is troubled wondrous sore,
for she is very upset,
FINIS.
FINISHED.
Printed for B. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner.
Printed for B. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner.
139 To take umbrage.
To take offense.
[82.] A Cardinall of Rome had a goodly faire house new built, but the broken brickes, tiles, sand, lime, stones, and such rubbish as are commonly the remnants of such buildings, lay confusedly in heapes and scattered here and there: The Cardinall demanded of his Survayor wherefore the rubbish was not conveyed away: The Survayor said that he proposed to hyre an hundred Carts for the purpose. The Cardinall replyed that the charge of Carts might be saved, for a pitt might bee digged in the ground and bury it. My Lord, said the Survayor, I pray you what shall wee doe with the earth which we digge out of the said pit? Why, thou Coxcombe, said the Cardinall, canst thou not dig the pit deepe enough, and bury all together?
[82.] A Cardinal in Rome had a beautifully built new house, but the leftover bricks, tiles, sand, lime, stones, and other debris from the construction were piled up and scattered everywhere. The Cardinal asked his surveyor why the debris hadn't been cleared away. The surveyor replied that he planned to hire a hundred carts for that purpose. The Cardinal responded that the cost of the carts could be avoided by digging a pit in the ground to bury it all. "My Lord," said the surveyor, "what will we do with the dirt we dig out of the pit?" "Well, you fool," said the Cardinal, "can't you dig the pit deep enough to bury it all?"
[77.] At Salisbury, Tarlton & his fellowes were to play before the Maior & his brethren: but one of his company (a yong man) was so drunke, that he could not; whereat Tarlton, as mad angry, as he was mad drunke, claps me on his legs a huge pair of bolts.140 The fellow dead asleepe, felt nothing. When all was done, they convayed him to the Jayle on a Man's back, and intreated the Jailer to doe God good service, and let him lye there til he waked. While they were about their sport, the felow waked, & finding himselfe in durance, & the Jaile hung round with bolts and shackles, he began to blesse himselfe, & thought sure in his drunkennesse hee had done some mischiefe. With this hee called to know, but none came to him; then hee thought verily his fault was capitall, and that hee was close prisoner. By and by comes [pg 235] the Keeper, and mooved him, that one so yong should come to so shamefull a death as hanging. Anon, another comes, and another with the like, which further put him in a puzzle. But at last comes Tarlton and others, intreating the Keeper, yet if it might bee, that they might see their fellow ere they went. But hee very hardly was intreated. But at length the poore drunken Signior cald out for them. In they come. Oh Tom, saies Tarlton, hard was thy hap, in drunkennes to murder this honest man, and our hard hap too, to have it reported, any of our company is hang'd for it. O God, O God saies the fellow, is my fault so great? then commend me to all my friends. Well, short tale to make, the fellow forswore drunkennes, if hee could escape, and by as cunning a wile (to his thinking) they got him out of prison by an escape, and sent him to London before, who was not a little glad to be gone. But see how this iest wrought: by little and little the fellow left his excessive drinking, and in time altered his desire of drunkennes.
[77.] At Salisbury, Tarlton and his friends were set to perform for the Mayor and his colleagues, but one of his crew (a young guy) was so drunk that he couldn’t. This made Tarlton, as furious as he was drunk, slap a huge pair of shackles on his legs.140 The guy, dead asleep, didn’t feel a thing. Once everything was done, they carried him to jail on a man's back and asked the jailer to do them a favor and let him sleep it off there. While they were having their fun, the guy woke up, and realizing he was in jail, surrounded by chains and shackles, he started to panic and thought he must have done something terrible while drunk. He called out to see if anyone was there, but no one came. He began to believe his crime was serious and that he was in deep trouble. Soon the jailer came by and mentioned how sad it was for someone so young to face such a shameful fate as hanging. Then another person came, and another, all saying similar things, which made him even more confused. Finally, Tarlton and others arrived, asking the jailer if they could see their friend before they left. The jailer was reluctant, but eventually, the poor drunken guy called out for them. They came in. “Oh Tom,” said Tarlton, “you really had bad luck getting so drunk that you might have killed this honest man, and it’s tough for us too, knowing that someone from our crew could be hanged for it.” “Oh God, oh God,” said the guy, “is my mistake that serious? Please tell all my friends goodbye.” To make a long story short, the guy swore off drinking if he could escape, and with a clever plan (or so he thought), they got him out of jail by sneaking him out and sent him to London early, where he was thrilled to be free. But look at how this joke played out: little by little, he stopped his excessive drinking and eventually changed his desire for it.
140 Shackles or fetters.
Shackles or restraints.
141 Was at feud. Minsheu gives its meaning "to join in a faction" and its equivalent in French as "bander," "mutiner." Fleming translates "bander" "to rise—to band against one."
141 was in conflict. Minsheu defines it as "to join a faction" and its French equivalent as "bander," "mutiner." Fleming translates "bander" as "to rise—to band against someone."
142 Dexter, Lat., right hand.
Dexter, Lat., right side.
[17.] John came to Thomas his house to speak with him: but Thomas came to the door, and bid his Maid say he was not at home, which John overheard; Two or three days after, Thomas came to speak with John, and John looks out a window, and told him he was not at home: Why do you say so? do I not see you at home? Hey day, says John, I believed your Maid you were not at home and you will not believe me my own self.
[17.] John came to Thomas's house to talk to him: but Thomas answered the door and told his maid to say he wasn't home, which John overheard. A couple of days later, Thomas came to talk to John, and John looked out the window and told him he wasn't home. "Why do you say that? I can see you are home." "Well," says John, "I believed your maid when she said you weren't home, and you won't believe me when I say I am."
[78.] One said a tooth drawer was a kind of unconscionable trade because his trade was nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets his living.
[78.] One person claimed that being a dentist was an unfair job because all they did was take away the things that everyone needs to earn a living.
[61.] There was a Gentleman who had been very smartly drinking at the Feathers Tavern in Cheapside, where there is a very long entry from the street door to the Bar, and a drinking roome by the way where were many civill persons with their wives at supper, but their door was only shut to and not latched; and this Gentleman staggering thorough, reeld against this door, and fell head long into the Room, to the sudden astonishment of the Company, who rise up and demanded the reason of that rudenesse; the poor Gentleman with very much adoe got up, and staggering with his hat in his hand he made hard shift to cry them all mercy in these words, Gentlemen and Ladyes, I pray excuse my boldnesse, and consider I am not the first that have fallen into ill Company.
[61.] There was a gentleman who had been drinking quite a bit at the Feathers Tavern in Cheapside, where there's a long hallway from the street door to the bar, and a drinking room along the way filled with many polite people having supper with their wives. However, their door was only shut and not locked. This gentleman, staggering through, leaned against the door and fell headfirst into the room, much to the surprise of the guests, who got up and questioned the reason for his rudeness. The poor gentleman struggled to get up, still staggering with his hat in hand, and made a hard attempt to apologize to everyone with these words: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please excuse my boldness, and remember I'm not the first to fall in with the wrong crowd."
The following throws much light on the habits of people in the reign of Charles II., and is valuable as it shows a phase of life not often depicted.
This provides valuable insight into the habits of people during Charles II's reign and is important because it showcases a perspective on life that isn't often represented.
[85.] A Lampoon on the Greenwich Strowlers.
Oh! assist me you Powers, who have Rhimes at command,
Oh! help me, you Powers, who have rhymes at your command,
For I faith I've a weighty business in hand.
For I swear I've got an important task ahead of me.
Of the late Greenwich Strowlers I'me now going to sing,
Of the late Greenwich Strowlers, I'm going to sing now,
But all things in order—first, God save the King.
But let's get everything in order—first, God save the King.
Hem; hem; now put we off to the matter,
Hem; hem; now let's get to the point,
On Easter Sunday, the Raskals took water;
On Easter Sunday, the Raskals had water;
Where landing at Greenwich, they agreed that a share
Where landing at Greenwich, they agreed that a share
Should be settled o' th' Sculler, instead of his fare.
Should be settled on the Sculler, instead of his fare.
Then up they march'd to the sign of the Bull,
Then they marched up to the sign of the Bull,
Where asking for Lodging, quoth the folks we are ful.
Where asking for lodging, the people said we are full.
But we'el see for some for you, and so with that wheadle,
But we’ll see for some of you, and so with that whittle,
Ud's lid, exit's the Landlord, and enter the Beadle.
Ud's lid, the Landlord leaves, and the Beadle comes in.
With that their Chief Actor begins for to bristle,
With that, their Chief Actor starts to bristle,
Quoth he, p'shaw waw, let the Beadle go whistle,
Quoth he, p'shaw waw, let the Beadle go whistle,
For I can; and he did, too, produce straight a Pattent,
For I can; and he did, too, straight up produce a patent,
That had the King's Hand and Seal, and all that in't.
That had the King's Hand and Seal, and all that in it.
Well this rub of fortune is over; but stay,
Well, this streak of luck is over; but wait,
They call for a Reckning, theres six Pence to pay.
They call for a reckoning; there's six pence to pay.
Now mark how damn'd fortune these Strowlers do's cozen,
Now notice how cursed luck deceives these wanderers,
They pawn all their stock to pay the half dozen.
They sell all their belongings to pay the six.
But promising th' Host that he should Tricket free,
But promising the Host that he would let him go free,
See their Plays every day, and his whole family.
See their plays every day, along with his whole family.
He releases 'em straight, and now all the rabble
He lets them go without holding back, and now all the chaos
Marcht up to go lye in their Play house,—a Stable.
March up to lie in their playhouse—a stable.
... ...
... ...
... ...
... ...
I confess they had never a Scene at all,
I admit they never had a scene at all,
They wanted no copy, they had th' original.
They wanted no copy; they had the original.
For the Windowes being down, and most part of the roof,
For the windows being down and most of the roof,
How could they want Scenes when they had prospect enough.
How could they want scenes when they had enough to look forward to?
Now we will suppose that Munday is come,
Now we will assume that Munday has arrived,
And the Play is proclaymed by beat of a Drum.
And the play is announced by the beating of a drum.
Faith, now you're supposing, let it be Tuesday morn,
Faith, now you're thinking, let it be Tuesday morning,
For of Monday, I know no more than the child unborn.
For Monday, I know as little as an unborn child.
It's said that they Acted not upon Monday,
It's said that they didn't act on Monday,
Something was wanting, and so they lost one day.
Something was missing, and that’s why they lost a day.
They send unto London, what's lacking is gotten,
They send to London, and whatever is missing is obtained,
And so on the next day, w'ye all things did cotten.
And so the next day, everything changed.
The Prizes they took, were a Londoners groat,
The prizes they received were a Londoner's groat,
The Townsmen they let in for drink and good chear,
The townspeople were invited in for drinks and good cheer,
The School boys for peace, and the Seamen for fear.
The schoolboys for peace, and the sailors for fear.
On Tuesday at three a clock I was we'e 'em,
On Tuesday at three o'clock I was with them,
I kist their doorkeeper, and went in to see 'em.
I kissed their doorkeeper and went in to see them.
Being enter'd an Actor145 straight brought me a stool,
Being entered as an actor145 immediately brought me a stool,
Hee'd a held my cloak too, but I wa'nt such a fool.
He’d held my cloak too, but I wasn’t that foolish.
The first that appear'd, when I was come in,
The first thing that appeared when I walked in,
With her train to her ankles, was who but the Queen.
With her train trailing to her ankles, who else could it be but the Queen?
She civilly made me a curtsy and straight,
She politely curtsied and stood up straight,
Retired to sit on her Fagots of state.
Retired to sit on her state affairs.
Then in came the King with a Murtherous mind,
Then the King entered with a murderous intent,
Gainst his new married Queen, which when I did find,
Gainst his newly married Queen, which when I discovered,
I call'd him a side, and whispering in's Ear,
I called him aside and whispered in his ear,
Desired him to fetch me a Flagon of Bear.
Desired him to get me a jug of beer.
There's twelve pence, said I, take the rest for your pains,
There's twelve pence, I said, keep the rest for your trouble,
Your Servant said he, Sir, sweet Mr Haines.
Your servant said he, Sir, sweet Mr. Haines.
His Majesty, faith, I must needs say was civil,
His Majesty, honestly, I have to say was polite,
For he took up his Heels, and ran for't like a Devil.
For he took off running like crazy.
Meantime I addrest myself to his Bride,
Meantime, I turned to his bride,
And took her unto the tireing House side;
And took her to the tiring house side;
A hay loft it was which at a dead lift,
A hayloft it was that had a heavy lift,
Instead of a better serv'd then for a shift.
Instead of being better off than just for a change.
But mark the Fate of her Civility,
But take note of the fate of her politeness,
The Players did rant both at her and me:
The players complained loudly to both her and me:
And therefore because for fear she'd be lack'd
And so, because she was afraid she would be alone
I ordred the Drummer to beat a long Act.
I ordered the drummer to play a long piece.
He beat and he beat, but no Queen appear'd,
He hit and hit, but no Queen showed up,
He beat till at length the house was all clear'd:
He kept going until the house was finally all cleared out:
By my Troath a sad loss, but to make 'em amends,
By my word, it's a sad loss, but to make it up to them,
I threw 'em a Crown, and we were all Friends:
I threw them a Crown, and we were all friends:
And so this Renowned History ends.
And so this Famous History comes to a close.
144 Footman or footboy.
Footman or footboy.
145 This is an allusion to the custom of the gallants sitting on stools on the stage, so frequently spoken of by the dramatists of the sixteenth century. Indeed Queen Anne found it necessary to issue two proclamations forbidding people other than actors to go on the stage.
145 This refers to the practice of dashing young men sitting on stools on stage, which was often mentioned by playwrights in the sixteenth century. In fact, Queen Anne felt it was necessary to issue two proclamations banning anyone who wasn't an actor from going on stage.
[52.] A Gentleman upon a time having a man that could write and read well, rebuked him one day for idlenesse, saying, If I had nothing to do, like thee, I would to recreate my wit, set down all the fooles I knew. The fellow, making little answer, tooke his pen and inke, and as his Master had wished him, fell to setting down a Catalogue of the fooles that he was well acquainted with: among whom, and first of all, he set down his Master, who, reading his name, would needs know the nature of his folly; Marry, quoth he, In lending your Cozen twenty pound this other day: for I think he will never pay you. Yea but (quoth his Master) what if he do pay me? Then (quoth his man) I will put out your name, and put down his for a foole.
[52.] A gentleman once had a servant who could read and write well. One day, he scolded him for being idle, saying, "If I had nothing to do like you, I would sharpen my mind by listing all the fools I know." The servant, saying little in response, took his pen and ink, and just as his master suggested, started writing a list of the fools he was familiar with. At the top of the list, he included his master. When the master saw his name, he wanted to know what foolishness he had been noted for. "Well," he said, "it's because you lent your cousin twenty pounds the other day, and I don't think he will ever pay you back." "But," replied the master, "what if he does pay me?" "Then," said the servant, "I will remove your name from the list and add his as a fool."
[20.] A Gentleman in North Wales was standing in a Sunshiny day, upon a high rock near the Sea-Side in those parts; and as he was looking about, he saw an Island some Four miles from the shore or there abouts, upon which Island he spy'd two Hares playing one with another: Well, says he, are you got over there now; for I am sure I cours'd you both yesterday with my two Greyhounds, and then you shew'd me a trick, but now I'll shew you one. So he went immediately home, and fetch't his two Greyhounds, and a great Morter piece which he had of a Thousand pound weight, which he fastened between the two Dogs Necks; but he was forced to fasten a Cord to it also, lest the Dogs might run away with it; and when they had carry'd it to the Rock aforesaid, he charg'd the Morter piece, and presently the two Greyhounds slipt into it (for it seems they had been used to it) which two Greyhounds he ram'd in very well, and then discharg'd the Morter piece with no hurt at all to the Greyhounds (for you must know he shot with white Powder) and it so happened that says he, I protest t'ye Gentlemen (upon my honest word and Credit 'tis true) that the two Greyhounds each lighted upon a Hare as they were playing, and then kill'd 'em and immediately left the Island, and swam through the Sea with the Hares in their mouths, which were one boil'd and t'other roasted for my dinner. One ask't him what colour his Greyhounds were? He swore they were both black before, but the White Powder [pg 240] did so Change their Colour, that they were both turn'd grey; and so from them all of their kind were called Grey hounds, for their sakes to this day. They told him they thought this probable enough to be improbable. O Gentlemen, says he far be it from me to tell you a lie, for if you won't believe me, pray ask my Dogs.
[20.] A man in North Wales was standing on a sunny day on a high rock by the seaside; as he looked around, he spotted an island about four miles offshore, where he saw two hares playing with each other. "Well," he said, "you made it over there now; I’m sure I chased you both yesterday with my two greyhounds, and you showed me a trick, but now I’ll show you one." So he went home right away, got his two greyhounds, and a huge mortar that weighed a thousand pounds, which he strapped between the dogs' necks. He had to tie a cord to it too, in case the dogs tried to run off with it. When they carried it to the rock mentioned earlier, he loaded the mortar, and the two greyhounds jumped into it (apparently they were used to this). He packed them in tightly, then fired the mortar without hurting the dogs (you should know he used white powder), and as luck would have it, he claimed, "I swear to you, gentlemen, on my honest word that it's true," that the two greyhounds each landed on a hare while they were playing, then killed them and swam back from the island with the hares in their mouths—one boiled and the other roasted for my dinner. Someone asked him what color his greyhounds were. He insisted they were both black before, but the white powder changed their color completely, turning them both grey; and that’s how all dogs of their kind came to be called greyhounds, thanks to them. They told him they thought that sounded improbable enough. "Oh gentlemen," he said, "it’s far from me to tell you a lie; if you won't believe me, just ask my dogs."
Upon Thorough-good, an unthrift.
Thou Thorough-good, and good goes thorough thee,
You Thorough-good, and goodness runs through you,
Nor thou in good, nor good in thee doth stay,
Nor is there good in you, nor does good remain within you.
Both of you thorough goe, and pass away.
Both of you go ahead and leave.
[77.] Tarlton having been domineering146 very late one night, with two of his friends, and comming homewards along Cheapeside, the Watch being then set, Master Constable asked, Who goes there? Three merry men, quoth Tarlton. That is not sufficient, What are you? quod M. Constable. Why, saies Tarlton, one of us is an eye maker, and the other a light maker. What saiest thou, knave, doest mocke me? the one is an eye maker, the other a light maker, which two properties belong unto God onely: commit these blasphemers, quoth the Constable. Nay, I pray you, good M. Constable, be good in your Office, I will approve what I have said to be true, qd. Tarlton. If thou canst, saies the Constable, you shall passe, otherwise you shall be all three punished. Why (qd. Tarlton) this fellow is an eye maker, because a Spectacle maker, and this other a maker of light, because a Chandler, that makes your darkest night as light as your Lanthorn. The Constable, seeing them so pleasant, was well contented. The rest of the Watchmen laughed: & Tarlton with his two Companions went home quietly.
[77.] Tarlton had been acting like a bully146 very late one night, along with two of his friends, and was heading home down Cheapside. The Watch was out, and the Constable asked, "Who goes there?" "Three cheerful guys," replied Tarlton. "That’s not enough. What are you?" asked the Constable. "Well," said Tarlton, "one of us makes eyes, and the other makes light." "What did you say, fool? Are you mocking me? One makes eyes, and the other makes light—those are things only God can do. Arrest these blasphemers," said the Constable. "Please, good Constable, do your duty kindly. I will prove what I said is true," replied Tarlton. "If you can, you can pass. Otherwise, you all three will be punished," said the Constable. "Well," said Tarlton, "this guy is an eye maker because he makes glasses, and this other is a maker of light because he’s a candle maker, who turns your darkest night as bright as your lantern." The Constable, seeing them so funny, was pleased. The other Watchmen laughed, and Tarlton and his two friends went home peacefully.
146 Roystering.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Celebrating.
[78.] One perswaded his friend to marry a little woman because of evils the least was to be chosen.
[78.] One convinced his friend to marry a short woman because the smaller evils were to be preferred.
[26.] A crafty Fellow being extremely in debt, and being [pg 241] threatened by his Creditors, that they would have him, if he was above ground, got himself into a Cellar, and there lay with the Tapster; and being reproved for so doing, he told them there's no fear of catching him there, because 'twas underground, and they durst not break their Oaths, because they swore they would have him above Ground.
[26.] A clever guy who was deep in debt and being threatened by his creditors that they would catch him if he was above ground, hid himself in a cellar and ended up staying there with the bartender. When he was scolded for this, he replied that there was no way they could find him there because it was underground, and they wouldn't dare break their oaths since they promised they would catch him above ground. [pg 241]
THE
UNLUCKY FENCER;147
or
The Courageous Farmer of Gloucestershire
shewing
How this bragging Spark went down into those areas,
Challenging anyone with all kinds of weapons; and in the end,
he was shamefully defeated by a
country farmer.
To the Tune of The Spinning Wheel.
To the Tune of The Spinning Wheel.
Licensed according to Order.
Licensed per Order.
[88.]You that delight in merriment,
You who enjoy having fun,
be pleased attend a while,
please stay for a bit,
I hope to give you all content,
I hope to provide you all with content,
this very Song will make you smile;
this song will make you smile;
'Tis of a Fencer brave and bold,
'Tis about a fencer who is brave and bold,
adorn'd with rich embroider'd Gold.
adorned with rich embroidered gold.
This Spark in pomp, and rich array,
This spark in grandeur and fancy attire,
from London rid with right good will,
from London ride with good spirit,
That he young Lords might learn to play
That the young Lords might learn to play
all sorts of Weapons by his skill;
all kinds of weapons through his expertise;
And whereso e'er this Fencer came,
And wherever this fencer went,
the drum, and trumpet blaz'd his fame.
the drum and trumpet announced his fame.
This huffing Fencer, fierce and Stout,
This puffing Fencer, bold and strong,
to Gloucester City did repair,
to Gloucester City did repairs,
And for a Sign he then hung out
And as a sign, he then put up
a Sword of grand Defiance there;
a sword of great defiance there;
The which a Farmer did espy,
The one that a Farmer saw,
as he by Chance was passing by.
as he happened to be passing by.
The jolly Farmer brisk and bold,
The cheerful farmer, lively and brave,
as soon as he the Sword beheld,
as soon as he saw the Sword,
He cry'd what is there to be sold?
He shouted, "What is there to sell?"
what! is your Room with Rapiers fill'd?
what! is your room filled with rapiers?
The Valiant Fencer did reply
The Brave Fencer replied
I come my Valour here to try.
I come here to test my bravery.
With that he did his Rapier shake,
With that, he did his rapier shake,
and said let who will here arrive,
and said let whoever will arrive here,
I do a noble Challenge make,
I take on a noble challenge,
to fight the stoutest man alive:
to fight the strongest man alive:
The Farmer said I'll answer thee,
The Farmer said, "I'll answer you,"
if that you dare to Cope with me.
if you dare to deal with me.
The Fencer cry'd, you sorry knave,
The fencer shouted, "You pathetic fool!
here by this Rapier in my hand,
here by this Rapier in my hand,
I'll send the to thy silent Grave,
I'll send you to your silent grave,
against my force no Clown can stand;
against my strength, no Clown can withstand;
It shall be try'd the Farmer cry'd,
It shall be tried, the farmer cried,
I value not your huffing Pride.
I don't care about your boasting pride.
Next Morning they a Stage prepare,
Next morning, they prepare a stage,
the drums did beat and trumpets sound,
the drums were pounding and trumpets were blaring,
Right joyfull tydings to declare,
Right joyful news to share,
this Gallant trac'd the City round,
this brave person walked around the city,
Dress'd in his Shirt of Holland fine,
Dresssed in his fine Holland shirt,
with Sword that did like Silver shine.
with a sword that shone like silver.
The Stage he mounted brisk and gay,
The stage he stepped onto was lively and cheerful,
and eke the Farmer straight likewise;
and also the Farmer right away;
To whom the Huffing Spark did say,
To whom the Huffing Spark said,
of you I'll make a Sacrifice;
of you I'll make a Sacrifice;
This work in short I will compleat,
This work, in short, I will complete.
you should have brought a Winding Sheet.
you should have brought a winding sheet.
No more of that, but let's fall to,
No more of that, but let's get started,
I hope to make my Party good;
I hope to make my party great;
And e'er this World I bid adieux,
And before I leave this world,
who knows but I may let you blood;
who knows, maybe I'll let you bleed;
With that he cut him o'er the Face,
With that, he slashed him across the face,
and thus began the Spark's Disgrace.
and so started the Spark's Disgrace.
But when they came to Quarter Staff,
But when they arrived at Quarter Staff,
the Farmer bang'd the Spark about;
the Farmer banged the Spark around;
Which made all the Spectators laugh,
Which made all the spectators laugh,
and with Huzzas they all did shout;
and with cheers they all shouted;
He made his Head and Shoulders sore,
He made his head and shoulders sore,
he ne'er had been so thrash'd before.
he had never been beaten so badly before.
Thus fairly did he win the day,
Thus he fairly won the day,
which put the Fencer in a Rage,
which made the Fencer mad,
Who through the Crowd did sneak away,
Who sneaked away through the crowd,
while the stout Farmer kept the Stage;
while the sturdy Farmer ran the Stage;
Huzzas of joy did echo round,
Huzzas of joy echoed all around,
while he with Victory was Crown'd.
while he was crowned with victory.
FINIS.
THE END.
148 Philip Brooksby had two shops,—one, the Golden Ball, near Bear Tavern, in West Smithfield; the other, Harp and Ball, also Golden Ball, in Pye Corner.
148 Philip Brooksby owned two stores—one called the Golden Ball, located near Bear Tavern in West Smithfield, and the other, Harp and Ball, also known as Golden Ball, at Pye Corner.
149 J. Deacon lived at the Rainbow, near David's Inn, or St. Andrew's Church, Holborn.
149 J. Deacon lived at the Rainbow, close to David's Inn or St. Andrew's Church in Holborn.
150 Josiah Blare's shop was the Looking Glass, on London Bridge.
150 Josiah Blare's store was the Looking Glass, located on London Bridge.
151 John Back also lived on London Bridge, at the sign of the Black Boy.
151 John Back also lived on London Bridge, at the Black Boy sign.
[86.] King James with some of his Nobles having lost their way in a Forest in the persuit of a Deer, came at last a hungry to the side of the same Forest where they espied a little House; thither hyed the King, and demanded first what victuals in the House, then with some comfortable leysure the way; the good wife sets before the King a good piece of powdered152 Beefe and a bag pudding, the King and his Followers fell to eat heartily, & having contented his hostess rid away: by the road side at some distance, a boy presents himself scraping with his legs, bare headed, whereon was a thick scald: Sirrah, said the Lords, cover your head, have you never a Cap? where do you dwell? In yonder Cottage an't please you (pointing to the place where the King dined) I had a Cap yesterday, but to day my mother made use of it for a pudding bag; Quoth the King, it did me no harme in the eating, it shall do me lesse in thinking of it; come, put on, and let us jog it down; but it stirred the stomacks of his Traine.
[86.] King James and some of his nobles, having lost their way in a forest while hunting for a deer, finally stumbled upon a small house. Hungry, the King approached and first asked what food was available in the house, then inquired about the way out with some relaxed conversation. The kind wife served the King a nice piece of salted152 beef and a bag pudding. The King and his followers ate heartily, and after satisfying his hostess, they rode away. Along the roadside, a boy appeared, scraping his legs while bare-headed, with a thick scab on his head. "Hey," said the lords, "cover your head. Don’t you have a cap? Where do you live?" "In that cottage, if you please," he replied, pointing to the place where the King had dined. "I had a cap yesterday, but today my mother used it as a pudding bag." The King said, "It didn’t bother me while I ate, so it won’t bother me thinking about it. Come on, put it on, and let’s keep moving,” but it upset the stomachs of his retinue.
152 Salted.
Salted.
[17.] One Pace a bitter Jester in Queen Elizabeth's daies, came to Court: Come says the Ladies, Pace, we shall now hear of our faults: No, says he, I don't use to talk of that which all the Towne talks of.
[17.] One Pace, a sharp-witted Jester in Queen Elizabeth's time, came to Court. The Ladies said, "Come, Pace, now we’ll hear about our flaws." He replied, "No, I don’t discuss things that everyone in town is already talking about."
Which indeed is Common,
Which is indeed common,
With her nose to meet with her chin;
With her nose touching her chin;
'Tis strange, says he, me-thinks,
"It's strange, he says, I think,"
For when that she drinks
For when she drinks
The De'el a drop can she get in.
The De'el can she get in a drop.
He was then told the cause,
He was then told the reason,
And what the reason was
And what was the reason?
That her teeth were fell out, and her chin
That her teeth fell out, and her chin
And Nose, like loving Neighbours,
And Nose, like caring neighbors,
Think well of their Labours,
Think highly of their efforts,
To reconcile 'em agen.
To reconcile them again.
[52.] A Worshipfull Gentleman in London, having on a time invited divers of his friends to supper to his house, and being at supper, the second course comming in, the first was one of the Gentleman's own men, bringing a Capon; and by chance, stumbling at the portall door, the Capon flew out of the platter and ranne along the board to the upper end of the table where the Master of the house sate, who making a jest of it, said, By my faith it is well, the Capon is come first, my man will come anon too, I hope. By and by came his man, and takes up the Capon, and layes it in the platter, and sets it on the board. I thank you Sir, quoth his Master, I could have done so my self. I, quoth his man, it is an easie matter, sir, for one to do a thing when he sees it done before his face.
[52.] A respectable gentleman in London once invited several friends over for dinner at his home. While they were at supper, during the second course, one of the gentleman's servants entered with a capon. By chance, he stumbled at the doorway, and the capon flew out of the platter, running along the table to the end where the host was sitting. Making a joke of it, the host said, "Well, at least the capon arrived first; I hope my man will come soon too." Shortly after, his servant arrived, picked up the capon, placed it back in the platter, and set it on the table. "Thank you, sir," said the host, "I could have done that myself." "Well," replied his servant, "it's easy for someone to do something when they see it done right in front of them."
[17.] Some Tylers working on the top of the house, one by chance dropt down through the rafters; Says one, I like such a Fellow dearly, for he is one that goes through his work.
[17.] Some Tylers working on the roof of the house, one accidentally fell through the rafters; one says, “I really like a guy like that, because he gets the job done.”
[26.] Another swore, that he in his Travels round about the World, which he had encompast Three times and half in Seven years time, but could not finish the other half, because he fell very Sick, and so was forc't to return back agen; and in his return, he came to a King's Court, but I cannot for my life remember the place, because I have been in so many; and there, says he, I saw a Lute of a very great bigness, and Thirty Ells long, bating only three inches, and Three broad, and swore that the least string upon it was bigger than his Thumb. Then they askt him how it possibly could be plaid on? He told them that a Man and his Wife that were Gyants (of which there's abundance in that Country) had Two large Iron Bows, made each with Eight Feet like Gridirons, with which he, and his dear Consort (which I think is the best name for her now, in regard of that Musick) scrat ore the strings; that is, she on the Treble part, and He on the Bass, whilst Eight great Mastiff Dogs ran up and down the Frets of the Lute, with their bare feet, and stopt directly in Tune as they plaid; (but you must conceive that these dogs were bred up to't, or else 'twere a thing impossible) to the admiration of all strangers [pg 246] that were there; and the Case of that Lute served for a kennel for the Eight Dogs to lie in: but it seems 'tis common with them there, for they made nothing of it; and this he made good by whole Volleys of thundering Oaths.
[26.] Another guy swore that during his travels around the world, which he completed three and a half times in seven years, he couldn't finish the last half because he got really sick and had to return. On his way back, he visited a king's court, but I can’t remember where that was because I’ve been to so many places. He said he saw a huge lute that was thirty yards long, just a few inches short, and three yards wide, and he swore the smallest string on it was thicker than his thumb. When they asked him how on earth it could be played, he told them about a man and his wife who were giants (there are plenty of them in that country) who had two large iron bows, each eight feet long like grilling racks, with which he and his lovely partner (which I think is a great name for her, considering the music) scratched across the strings; she played the treble and he played the bass, while eight big mastiff dogs ran around on the frets of the lute with their bare feet, stopping perfectly in tune as they played. (But you have to understand that these dogs were trained for this, or it wouldn’t be possible.) This amazed all the strangers who were there; the case of the lute served as a kennel for the eight dogs to lie in, but it seems this is common there, as they didn’t think anything of it, and he backed this up with a bunch of loud oaths. [pg 246]
[5.] A fat house keeper makes leane Executors. The Devill is not alwaies at one doore. He puls with a long rope, that waights for anothers death.
[5.] An overbearing housekeeper creates lean executors. The devil isn’t always at one door. He pulls with a long rope, waiting for someone else to die.
Come get this new Ballad before you leave;
If you criticize the Author, I know what I know.
To the Tune of, Ile tell you but so.
To the Tune of, I’ll tell you but so.
that few words are best,
that fewer words are better,
And he that sayes little,
And he who says little,
shall live most at rest:
will live mostly at peace:
And I by experience
And I through experience
doe finde it right so,
doe find it right?
Therefore Ile spare speech,
So I'll spare my words,
but I know what I know.
but I know what I know.
Yet shall you perceive well,
Yet you will see clearly,
though little I say,
though I say little,
That many enormities
So many huge issues
I will display:
I will show:
You may guesse my meaning
You might guess my meaning
by that which I show,
by what I show,
I will not tell all
I won't share everything.
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
There be some great climbers
There are some great climbers
compos'd of ambition,
made of ambition,
To whom better-born men
To whom well-born men
doe bend with submission:
doe bend in submission:
Proud Lucifer climbing
Proud Lucifer ascending
was cast very low,
was cast very low,
Ile not stay these men.
I will not let these men stay.
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
There be many Foxes
There are many foxes.
that goe on two legges,
that goes on two legs,
They steale greater matters
They steal bigger issues
than Cocks, Hens and Egges;
than Cock, Hen, and Eggs;
To catch many Guls
To catch a lot of Guls
in Sheepes cloathing they goe
in sheep's clothing they go
They might be destroy'd
They might be destroyed
but I know &c.
but I know etc.
There be many men
There are many men
that Devotion pretend,
that Devotion pretends,
And make us beleeve
And make us believe
that true Faith theyle defend:
that true Faith they'll defend:
Three times in one day
Three times a day
to Church they will goe,
to church they will go,
They cozen the world,
They deceive the world,
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
There be many rich men
There are many wealthy men
both Yeomen and Gentry,
both Yeomen and Gentry,
That for their owne private gaine
That for their own personal gain
hurt a whole Countrey:
hurt an entire country
By closing free Commons,
By shutting down free Commons,
yet they'le make as though
yet they'll act as if
Twere for common good,
It was for the common good,
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
There be divers Papists
There are various Catholics
that to save their Fine,
to save their fine,
Come to Church once a moneth
Come to church once a month.
to heare Service Divine:
to hear Divine Service:
The Pope gives them power,
The Pope grants them power,
as they say, to doe so
as they say, to do so
They save money by't too
They save money by not too
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
There be many Upstarts
There are many Upstarts
that spring from the Cart,
that come from the Cart,
Who gotten to th' Court
Who got to the Court
play the Gentleman's part:
play the gentleman's role:
Their fathers were plaine men,
Their fathers were simple men,
they scorne to be so,
they refuse to be so,
They think themselves brave
They think they're brave
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
There be many Officers
There are many officers.
men of great place,
powerful men,
To whom, if one sue
To whom does one sue?
for their favour and grace,
for their favor and grace,
He must bribe their servants
He must pay off their servants
while they make as though
while they pretend
They know no such thing,
They don't know anything like that,
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
There be many Women
There are many women.
that seem very pure,
that seem very genuine,
A kisse from a stranger
A kiss from a stranger
they'le hardly endure:
they'll hardly endure:
They are like Lucretia,
They're like Lucretia,
modest in show.
low-key.
I will accuse none,
I won't accuse anyone,
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
Likewise there be many
There are many as well
dissembling men,
deceitful men,
That seeme to hate Drinking
That seems to hate drinking
and Women, yet when
and women, yet when
They meet with a Wench
They meet with a waitress
to the Taverne they'le goe,
to the Tavern they'll go,
They are civill all day
They are civil all day
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
There be many Batchelors
There are many bachelors
that to beguile
to charm
Beleeving kind Lasses,
Believing kind women,
use many a wile,
use many a while,
They all sweare that they love,
They all swear that they love,
when they meane nothing so,
when they mean nothing like that,
And boast of these tricks
And brag about these tricks
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
There's many an Usurer,
There are many usurers,
that like a Drone,
that like a drone,
Doth idly live
Lives idly
upon his moneys Lone:
upon his money's loan:
From Tens unto Hundreds
From Tens to Hundreds
his money doth grow,
his money is growing,
He sayes he doth good,
He says he does good,
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
There be many Gallants
There are many Gallants
that goe in gay Rayment,
that goes in gay clothing,
For which the Taylor
For which the Taylor
did never receive payment;
never received payment;
They ruffle it out
They smooth it out
with a gorgeous show,
with a stunning performance,
Some take them for Knights,
Some see them as Knights,
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
There be many Rorers
There are many Rorers
that swagger and rore,
that swagger and roar,
As though they in the warres had been,
As if they had been in the wars,
seven yeeres or more:
seven years or more
And yet they never lookt
And yet they never looked
in the face of a Foe;
in the face of an enemy;
They seeme gallant Sparkes
They seem like brave sparks
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
There's many both Women
There are many women
and Men that appeare
and Men that appear
With beautifull Outsides
With beautiful exteriors
the Worlds eyes to bleare:
the world's eyes to blur:
But all is not Gold
But not everything is gold
that doth glister in show,
that shines in show,
They are fine with a Pox,
They're fine with a Pox,
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
There's many rich Trades-men
There are many wealthy tradesmen.
who live by Deceit,
who live by deceit,
And in Weight and Measure
And in Weights and Measures
the poore they doe cheat,
the poor they do cheat,
They'le not sweare an Oath
They won't swear an oath.
but indeed, I, and No,
but really, I, and No,
They truly protest,
They really protest,
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
There be many people
There are many people
so given to strife,
always in conflict,
That they'le goe to Law
That they will go to court.
for a two-penny Knife,
for a cheap knife,
The Lawyers ne're aske them
The lawyers never ask them
why they doe so,
why they do that,
He gets by their hate,
He overcomes their hate,
but I know &c.
but I know, etc.
I know there be many
I know there are many
will carpe at this Ballet,
will seize at this Ballet,
Because it is like
Because it's like
sowre Sawce to their Pallet;
sour sauce to their palate;
But he, shee, or they,
But he, she, or they,
let me tell ere I goe,
let me tell you before I go,
If they speak against this Song
If they talk negatively about this Song
I know what I know.
I know what I know.
FINIS.
FINIS.
153 Published in 1620, and assigned his patent the same year. He is also heard again of in 1642, when his patent was petitioned against, but unsuccessfully.
153 Released in 1620, and granted his patent the same year. He was mentioned again in 1642, when his patent faced a challenge, but it was unsuccessful.
[82.] A Proper Gentlewoman went to speak with a rich Mizer that had more Gowt than good manners, at her taking leave hee requested her to tast a Cup of Canara: Shee (contrary to his expectation) tooke him at his word and thanked him. Hee commanded Jeffrey Starveling his man, to wash a glasse, and fill it to the Gentlewoman. Honest Jeffrey fill'd a great glasse about the bignesse of two Taylors thimbles, and gave it to his master, who kist it to save cost, and gave it to the Gentlewoman, saying that it was good Canara of six yeeres old at the least, to whom shee answered (seeing the quantity so small,) Sir, as you requested me, I have tasted your wine, but I wonder that it should be so little, being of such a great age.
[82.] A proper lady went to talk to a wealthy miser who had more money than manners. When she was leaving, he asked her to try a cup of Canara. She, unexpectedly, accepted his offer and thanked him. He told his servant, Jeffrey Starveling, to wash a glass and fill it for the lady. Honest Jeffrey filled a glass about the size of two tailor's thimbles and handed it to his master, who kissed it to save money before giving it to the lady, saying it was good Canara at least six years old. She replied, noticing the small amount, "Sir, as you asked, I have tasted your wine, but I’m surprised it’s so little for something of such great age."
[61.] There were two notable boon Companions which when they were met were alwayes so indeared to each others Company that very seldom an earlier houre than midnight could part them, but when they were drunk they had two troublesome infirmities, Jack could not goe nor Will could not speak; therefore one night before they fell to drinking, they made Articles of Agreement that when they were drunke Will should carry Jack, and Jack should speak for Will, and after this agreement to drinking they went pell-mell, untill the one was drunk, and the other lame: So after they had paid the Reckoning, Will takes up Jack a pick-pack and carries him to Ludgate, and being very weary sets him down in the dark close by the prison. The Constable and Watch who were within the Gate hearing a bustle, called out, saying, Who [pg 252] goes there? Come before the Constable. Will could goe well enough, but could not speak, so he went over to the Constable, who examined him whence he came, and why he was out so late, and where he lived; to which Will could answer nothing, but make mouths: but Jack having his tongue at liberty, as he was sitting in the blind hole, cryes to the Constable, Sir, he cannot speak. Upon that the Constable asked who was that which spake, and commanded him to come before him; to which Jack made answer, Sir, I can't goe, at which the Constable and Watch laught; Will took up his load again and away they marcht.
[61.] There were two close friends who, when together, were so fond of each other that they rarely parted before midnight. But when they drank too much, they faced two annoying problems: Jack couldn't walk, and Will couldn't talk. So one night, before they started drinking, they made an agreement that when they were drunk, Will would carry Jack, and Jack would speak for Will. After agreeing to this plan, they dove into drinks until one was drunk and the other was unable to walk. After settling the bill, Will picked up Jack and carried him to Ludgate, and feeling very tired, set him down in the dark near the prison. The Constable and Watchmen inside the gate heard a commotion and called out, asking who was there. They ordered Will to come forward to the Constable. Will could walk just fine but couldn’t speak, so he approached the Constable, who questioned him about where he came from, why he was out so late, and where he lived. Will couldn't respond at all, just made faces. But Jack, with his tongue free while sitting in the dark corner, shouted to the Constable, "Sir, he can't speak." The Constable then asked who was talking and ordered Jack to come to him. Jack replied, "Sir, I can't walk," which made the Constable and Watchmen laugh. Will picked up his burden once more and they continued on their way.
To his Quill.
[128.] Caricature of different religious sects. 1646.
AdamiteFinder
ArminianDivorce
AnabaptistJesuit
[78.] One said Physitians had the best of it, for, if they did well, the world did proclaime it, if ill, the earth did cover it.
[78.] One person said that doctors had it best because if they did a good job, the world would acknowledge it, but if they didn't, the earth would hide it.
[77.] Upon a time, as Tarlton and his Wife (as passengers) came sailing from Southampton towards London, a mighty storme arose, and endangered the Ship, whereupon, the Captaine thereof charged every man to throw into the Sea the heaviest thing he could best spare, to the end to lighten somewhat the Ship. Tarlton, that had his Wife there, offered to throw her over-boord: but the company rescued her; and being asked wherefore he meant so to doe? he answerd, She is the heaviest thing I have, and I can best spare her.
[77.] Once upon a time, as Tarlton and his wife were sailing from Southampton to London, a fierce storm broke out and put the ship in danger. The captain ordered everyone to throw overboard the heaviest item they could spare to lighten the load of the ship. Tarlton, seeing his wife there, suggested throwing her overboard. However, the crew saved her, and when they asked him why he would say such a thing, he replied, "She's the heaviest thing I have, and I can spare her the most."
[4.] A Welshman that was condemned to be hanged, had the benefit154 of Clergy granted to him, and so was burnt in the Hand; which when it was doing, they bid him say. God bless the King. Nay, says he, God bless hur Father and Mother; for if they had not taught hur to read, hur might have been hanged for all the King.
[4.] A Welshman who was sentenced to be hanged received154 the benefit of Clergy, so he was branded on the hand. While this was happening, they told him to say, "God bless the King." He replied, "No, God bless her Father and Mother; because if they hadn't taught her to read, she could have been hanged for all the King cared."
154 This plea was put in for mitigation of punishment, the person presumably being a clerk or learned person, exemplified by his being able to read, the punishment then being commuted to burning on the hand. In later days it became a farce, as a bribe would have the effect of being apparently branded with only a warm or cold iron.
154 This request was made to lessen the punishment, with the individual likely being a clerk or educated person, indicated by their ability to read. As a result, the punishment was changed to branding the hand. Over time, it turned into a joke, as a bribe would lead to just a mild branding with either a warm or cold iron.
[4.] One asking a certain Person how his friend came off at the Sessions House? he told him he was to be Burnt in the Hand; Pish, says the other, that's a small matter; for, for a little Fee, the'll Burn him in the Hand with a cold Iron.
[4.] Someone asked a certain person how his friend did at the Sessions House. He told him he was going to get branded on the hand. "Psh," said the other, "that's not a big deal; for a small fee, they'll brand him with a cold iron."
[5.]Marriage as old men note, hath likened bin
[5.]Marriage, as older men have pointed out, has been likened to
Unto a publique feast, or common route,
Unto a public feast, or common path,
Where those that are without, would fain get in,
Where those outside would really like to get in,
And those that are within would faine get out.
And those who are inside would really like to get out.
[26.] A Gentleman that had a great Wit, and well belov'd among the great ones, and therefore invited often amongst them; but it seems had a very sore Leg; he, being at a Noble mans Table, greedily cat'd at a Goblet of Wine. Says my Lord to him, Prithee Jack drink it not, for 'twill hurt thy Leg. O my Lord, says he, take no care for my Leg, for I have care enough of that, for I always drink o' the t' other side.
[26.] A man with a sharp wit, well-liked by the influential, was frequently invited to their gatherings; however, he seemed to have a very painful leg. While at a nobleman's table, he eagerly reached for a goblet of wine. My Lord said to him, "Please, Jack, don’t drink that; it will hurt your leg." To which he replied, "Oh my Lord, don't worry about my leg; I'm already taking care of it, as I always drink from the other side."
The Taming of the Shrew:155
or
The Patient Man's Woe
Declaring the misery, and the great paine
Declaring the misery and the great pain
By his unquiet wife he doth dayly sustaine.
By his restless wife, he is constantly burdened.
To the Tune of Cuckolds all arowe.
To the Tune of Cuckolds all arowe.
and listen to my Song;
and listen to my song;
And I will shew you plainely then,
And I will show you clearly then,
the injury and wrong
the harm and injustice
That constantly I doe sustaine,
That I constantly endure,
by the unhappy life,
by the miserable life,
The which does put me to great paine,
The thing that causes me a lot of pain,
by my unquiet Wife.
by my restless Wife.
Shee never linnes156 her bauling,
She never loses __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ her ball.
her tongue it so loud,
her tongue is so loud,
But alwaies shee'l be railing,
But she'll always be complaining,
and will not be contrould;
and will not be controlled;
For she the Briches still will weare,
For she will still wear the Briches,
although it breedes my strife,
although it breeds my strife,
If I were now a Batchelor,
If I were single today,
I'de never have a Wife.
I’d never have a wife.
Sometime I goe i' th' morning
Sometime I go in the morning
about my dayly worke,
about my daily work,
My wife she will be snorting,
My wife will be laughing,
and in her bed she'le lurke;
and in her bed she'll lurk;
Untill the Chimes doe goe at Eight,
Untill the Chimes go at Eight,
then she'le begin to wake,
then she’ll start to wake,
Her mornings draught well spiced straight,
Her mornings drink well spiced straight,
to cleare her eyes she'le take.
to clear her eyes she'll take.
As soon as shee is out of bed,
As soon as she is out of bed,
her Looking Glass she takes,
her mirror she takes,
So vainely is she dayly led,
So vainly is she led every day,
her mornings worke she makes;
her mornings work, she makes;
In putting on her brave atyre,
In putting on her brave attire,
that fine and costly be,
that fine and expensive be,
Whilst I worke hard in durt and mire,
Whilst I work hard in dirt and mud,
alacke what remedy.
alas what remedy.
Then she goes forth a Gossiping,
Then she goes out to gossip,
amongst her own Comrades,
among her own comrades,
with her merry blades:
with her joyful blades:
When I come from my labour hard,
When I return from my hard work,
then shee'le begin to scould,
then she'll begin to scold,
And calls me Rogue without regard,
And calls me Rogue without a care,
which makes my heart full cold.
which makes my heart feel completely cold.
When I for quietnesse sake desire,
When I want some peace and quiet,
my wife for to be still;
my future wife still;
She will not grant what I require,
She won't give me what I need,
but sweares shee'le have her will;
but swears she'll have her way;
Then if I chance to heave my hand,
Then if I happen to lift my hand,
straightway she'le murder cry;
immediately she'll scream murder;
Then judge all Men that here do stand
Then judge all the men who stand here
in what a Case am I.
in what a case am I.
And if a Friend by chance me call,
And if a friend happens to call me,
to drinke a pot of Beere;
to drink a pot of beer;
Then she'le begin to curse and brall,
Then she'll start to curse and yell,
and fight and scratch and teare:
and fight and scratch and tear:
And sweares unto my worke she'le send
And swears to my work she'll send
me straight without delay,
get straight to the point,
Or else with the same Cudgels end,
Or else with the same sticks end,
shee will me soundly pay.
she will pay me back.
And if I chance to sit at meate
And if I happen to sit down to eat
upon some holy day,
on a holy day,
She is so sullen she will not eate,
She is so moody that she won't eat,
but vexe me ever and aye:
but keep bothering me:
She'le pout, and loure, and curse and bann,
She'll sulk, and mope, and swear and shout,
this is the weary life,
this is a tiring life,
That I do leade, poore harmlesse man,
That I lead, poor harmless man,
with my most dogged wife.
with my most persistent wife.
Then is not this a pitteous Cause,
Then isn't this a pitiful cause,
let all men now it trie,
let all men know it true,
And give their verdits by the Lawes,
And give their verdicts according to the laws,
betweene my wife and I:
between my wife and me:
And judge the Cause who is to blame,
And determine who is at fault,
Ile to their Judgement stand,
I’ll stand to their judgment,
And be contented with the same
And be satisfied with the same
and put thereto my hand.
and put my hand there.
If I abroad goe any where,
If I travel overseas,
my businesse for to doe,
my business to do,
Then will my Wife anone be there,
Then my wife will be there soon,
for to encrease my woe;
to increase my sorrow;
Straightway she such a noise will make,
Straight away, she will make such a noise,
with her most wicked tongue,
with her sharpest tongue,
That all her Mates her part to take,
That all her friends play their part,
about me soon will thronge.
about me coming soon.
Thus am I now tormented still,
Thus am I now still tormented,
with my most wicked Wife,
with my most mischievous wife,
All through her wicked tongue so ill
All through her wickedly sharp tongue
I am weary of my life:
I am tired of my life:
I know not truely what to doe,
I truly don’t know what to do,
nor how myselfe to mend:
nor how to fix myself:
This lingring life doth breede my woe,
This lingering life creates my sorrow,
I would 'twere at an ende.
I wish it was done.
O that some harmlesse honest man,
O that some harmless honest man,
whom Death did so befriend,
whom Death befriended,
To take his Wife from of his hand,
To take his wife from his hand,
his sorrowes for to end:
his sorrows to end:
Would change with me to rid my care,
Would change with me to take away my worries,
and take my Wife alive,
and take my wife alive,
For his dead Wife unto his share,
For his deceased wife as part of his inheritance,
then I would hope to thrive.
then I would hope to succeed.
But so it likely will not be,
But it probably won't be.
that is the worst of all,
that is the worst of all,
For to encrease my dayly woe
For to increase my daily sorrow
and for to breed my fall:
and to bring me down:
My wife is still most froward bent,
My wife is still very difficult to deal with,
such is my lucklesse fate,
such is my unfortunate fate,
There is no man will be content,
There is no man who will be content,
with my unhappy state.
with my unhappy situation.
Thus to conclude and made an ende
Thus to conclude and made an end
of these my Verses rude,
of these my rough verses,
I pray all wives for to amende,
I pray that all wives improve,
and with peace to be endude:
and with peace to be granted:
Take warning all men by the life
Take warning, all men, from life
that I sustained long,
that I endured for a long time,
Be carefull how you chuse a Wife,
Be careful how you choose a wife,
and so Ile ende my Song.
and so I will end my song.
FINIS.
FINIS.
London. Printed by M. P. for Henry Gosson159 on London Bridge neere the Gate.
London. Printed by M. P. for Henry Gosson159 on London Bridge near the Gate.
156 Ceases, or leaves off.
Stops, or leaves off.
157 Drinking.
Drinking.
158 This ballad is supposed to be unique, and is the only known work of Halliarg, who is not mentioned by Hazlitt.
158 This ballad is considered one of a kind and is the only known piece by Halliarg, who isn't referenced by Hazlitt.
159 The date of this ballad in the Museum Catalogue is 1610 (?).
159 The date of this ballad in the Museum Catalogue is 1610 (?).
[91.] A Bishop on a time examining one that sought to be admitted into the ministery, asked him how many Sacraments there were; to which question, he, after long pause, answered there were 9; Nine, quoth he, how prove you that? Why, quoth hee, there are 7 beyond sea, and two in England; at which the B. laughing at his ignorance, yet grieved for his folly, sent him away as worthily frustrate of his expectation.
[91.] A bishop, while reviewing someone who wanted to join the ministry, asked him how many sacraments there were. After a long pause, the man answered that there were 9. "Nine?" the bishop replied, "How do you figure that?" The man explained, "There are 7 abroad and 2 in England." The bishop, amused by his ignorance yet saddened by his foolishness, sent him away, deeming him unworthy of his hopes.
[4.] A Man being ask'd whether his friend Tom, that was lately dead, had left him any Legacy? No, faith, says he, Not a Tester to drink his health.
[4.] A man was asked whether his friend Tom, who had recently died, left him any inheritance. “No, honestly,” he replied, “Not a penny to toast his memory.”
[26.] In the Wars in Germany, between the Swedes and them, there was so great a Frost one Winter, that Two Men desiring to talk with one another, and one was on one side of the River, and t'other on the other, and as they spoke one to another, the Frost was so great, that it froze160 up their words, which was not audible then, nor indeed (upon my reputation) could not be heard till Nine days after, when it chanc'd to thaw: which one of the company hearing said 'twas a brave Country to speak Treason in; for whatsoever a Man said, a Man could not be heard; Nay, the very lowings of the Bulls and Cows were froz'n up also, that the owners had much ado to find them to fodder them, for want of hearing them as formerly. Nay, by your favour, says another, there is another Country, which had as great a Conveniency to speak Treason in as that had, from 1648 to 1660, and there one might speak any sort of Treason, and was never call'd to an account for it: Nay, the more Treason they spoke, they were the better esteem'd; so that there was no need of a frost at that time in England.
[26.] In the wars in Germany, between the Swedes and their enemies, there was such a severe frost one winter that two men wanting to talk to each other, one on one side of the river and the other on the opposite side, found that the cold was so intense it froze160 their words, making them inaudible at the time, and honestly, (I swear) they couldn't be heard until nine days later when it finally thawed. One of the men in the group remarked that it was a courageous country to speak treason in, since whatever a person said couldn't be heard. Moreover, even the lowing of the bulls and cows was frozen too, making it difficult for the owners to find them to feed them, as they couldn't hear them like before. Another man chimed in, saying there was another country that was just as convenient for speaking treason as that had been, from 1648 to 1660, where anyone could say any kind of treason and never faced consequences for it. In fact, the more treasonous things they said, the more highly regarded they were, so at that time, there was no need for a frost in England.
160 A somewhat similar story may be found previously, in Rabelais, and some sixty years subsequently, in Baron Munchausen.
160 A somewhat similar story can be found earlier in Rabelais, and about sixty years later in Baron Munchausen.
[52.] There was a notable drunkard of Rochester, whom his wife perswaded as much as in her lay, to leave that Sinne; but the more she spake the worse he was, and because she controuled him, he would all to beat her, So she let him alone; and because his use was still to stay out till almost [pg 260] midnight, she went to bed, and bad her Maid tary up for him, and make a good fire: and the maid did as her Mistresse commanded. One night when he came home the Maid let him in, and he stood by the fire and warmed himself; but his head being too heavy for his body, down he fell into the fire along. The Maid ranne crying, Oh Mistresse, Mistresse, my Master is falne into the fire. No Matter, Maid (quoth she) let him take his pleasure in his owne house, where he will himselfe.
[52.] There was a well-known drunk in Rochester, whose wife tried as much as she could to get him to stop drinking; but the more she talked, the worse he got, and since she tried to control him, he would often hit her. So she decided to ignore him. Because he usually stayed out until nearly midnight, she went to bed and told her maid to wait up for him and make a good fire. The maid did as her mistress instructed. One night when he came home, the maid let him in, and he stood by the fire to warm up; but his head was too heavy for his body, and he fell right into the fire. The maid ran crying, "Oh Mistress, Mistress, my Master has fallen into the fire!" "No matter, maid," she replied, "let him enjoy himself in his own house, where he wants to be."
Was alwayes sending for his own phisition.
Was always calling for his own physician.
And on a time he needs would of him know,
And at one point, he needed to know about him,
What was the cause his pulse did go so slow?
What caused his pulse to beat so slowly?
Why (quoth the Doctor) thus it comes to passe,
Why (said the Doctor) this is how it happens,
Must needs go slow, which goes upon an asse.
Must go slow, which goes on a donkey.
[82.] An unhappy boy that kept his father's sheepe in the country, did use to carry a paire161 of Cards in his pocket, and meeting with boyes as good as himselfe would fall to Cards at the Cambrian game of whip-her-ginny,162 or English one and thirty; at which sport, hee would some dayes lose a sheepe or two: for which if his father corrected him, hee (in revenge) [pg 261] would drive the sheepe home at night over a narrow bridge, where some of them falling besides the bridge, were drowned in the swift brooke. The old man being wearied with his ungracious dealing, complained to a Justice, thinking to affright him from doing any more the like. In briefe, before the Justice the youth was brought, where (using small reverence, and lesse manners) the Justice said to him, Sirrah, you are a notable villaine, you play at Cards, and lose your father's sheepe at one and thirty. The Boy replied that it was a lye. A lye, quoth the Justice, you saucy knave, dost thou give me the lye? No, qd the boy, I gave thee not the lye, but you told me the lye, for I never lost sheepe at one and thirty; for when my game was one and thirty I alwayes wonne. Indeed, said the Justice thou saist true, but I have another accusation against thee, which is, that you drive your fathers sheepe over a narrow bridge where some of them are oftentimes drowned: That's a lye too, quoth the boy, for those that go over the bridge are well enough, it is onely those that fall beside which are drowned: Whereto the Justice said to the boys father, Old man, thou hast brought in two false accusations against thy sonne for he never lost sheepe at one and thirty, nor were there ever any drowned that went over the bridge.
[82.] An unhappy boy who looked after his father's sheep in the countryside used to carry a deck of cards in his pocket. Whenever he met boys as good as himself, they would start playing cards, either a Welsh game called whip-her-ginny161 or the English game of thirty-one. In this pastime, there were days when he would lose a sheep or two; when his father scolded him for it, he would, in retaliation, drive the sheep home at night over a narrow bridge, causing some to fall off the bridge and drown in the swift stream. The old man, tired of his son's bad behavior, complained to a Justice, hoping to scare him into stopping. In short, the youth was brought before the Justice, who, showing little respect and even less manners, said to him, "You rascal, you are a real troublemaker. You play cards and lose your father's sheep at thirty-one." The boy replied that it was a lie. "A lie?" exclaimed the Justice, "You cheeky brat, do you call me a liar?" "No," said the boy, "I didn’t call you a liar, but you told me a lie because I never lost sheep at thirty-one; whenever I played, I always won." "Indeed," said the Justice, "you speak the truth. However, I have another accusation against you: you drive your father's sheep over a narrow bridge where some of them often drown." "That's a lie too," replied the boy, "because the ones that cross the bridge are just fine; it's only those that fall off the side that drown." To this, the Justice said to the boy's father, "Old man, you have brought two false accusations against your son, for he never lost sheep at thirty-one, nor did any sheep drown that crossed the bridge."
161 A pack.
A squad.
162 The same author mentions this game again in "Taylors Motto," as also many other games then in vogue, the names of which are curious—
162 The same author talks about this game again in "Taylor's Motto," along with several other games that were popular at the time, the names of which are interesting—
"The Prodigall's estate, like to a flux,
"The Prodigal's estate, like a flow,
The Mercer, Draper, and the Silk man sucks;
The Mercer, Draper, and the Silk guy suck;
The Taylor, Millainer, Dogs, Drabs and Dice,
The Taylor, Millainer, Dogs, Drabs and Dice,
Trey trip or Passage, or the Most at thrice;
Trey trip or Passage, or the Most at thrice;
At Irish, Tick tacke, Doublets, Draughts or Chesse,
At Irish, Tick tack, Doublets, Checkers or Chess,
He flings his money free with carelessnesse:
He throws his money around carelessly:
At Novum, Mumchance, mischance (chuse ye which)
At Novum, Mumchance, bad luck (choose whichever)
At One and Thirty, or at Poore and rich,
At one thirty, or at poor and rich,
Ruffe, flam, Trump, noddy, whisk, hole, Sant, New Cut,
Ruffe, flam, Trump, noddy, whisk, hole, Sant, New Cut,
Unto the keeping of foure Knaves he'l put
Unto the care of four guys he'll put
His whole estate at Loadum, or at Gleeke,
His entire property at Loadum, or at Gleeke,
At Tickle me quickly, he's a merry Greeke,
At Tickle Me Quickly, he's a cheerful Greek,
At Primefisto, Post and payre, Primero,
At Primefisto, Post and pair, First,
Maw, Whip-her-ginny, he's a lib'rall Hero;
Maw, Whip-her-ginny, he's a liberal Hero;
At My-sow-pigg'd: and (Reader never doubt ye,
At My-sow-pigg'd: and (Reader never doubt you,
He's skill'd in all games except) Looke about ye.
He's skilled in all games except Look About Ye.
Bowles, shove-groate, tennis, no game comes amiss,
Bowles, shove-groate, tennis, no game is off the table,
His purse a purse for any body is."
His wallet is open to anyone.
The
Unfortunate WELCH MAN
or
The Unexpected Death of Scotch Jockey.
If her will Fight, her cause to right,
If her determination fights, her cause is just.
as daring to presume
as bold to assume
To Kill and Slay, then well her may
To kill and slay, then well she may
take this to be her Doom.
take this to be her fate.
To the Tune of The Country Farmer.
To the Tune of The Country Farmer.
This may be Printed R.P.
This may be printed R.P.
To seek Cousen Taffie whatever betide;
To find Cousen Taffie no matter what;
Her own Sisters Son, whom her loved so dear,
Her own sister's son, whom she loved so much,
Her had not beheld him this many long year:
Her had not seen him in so many long years:
Betimes in the morning stout Shonny arose,
Early in the morning, strong Shonny got up,
And then on the Journey with Courage her goes,
And then on the journey with courage he goes,
Her Boots they were out at the heels and the toes.
Her boots were worn out at the heels and the toes.
A Sword by her side, and with Bob the Gray Mare,
A sword at her side, and with Bob the Gray Mare,
Her rid on the Road like a Champion so rare;
Her ride on the road like a champion so rare;
At last how it happened to her hard Lot,
At last, how it happened to her tough situation,
To meet with young Jockey, a bonny brisk Scot;
To meet with young Jockey, a cheerful and energetic Scot;
Then Jockey was jolly, and thus he did say,
Then Jockey was cheerful, and so he said,
Let's gang to the Tavern, drink wine by my fay,
Let's head to the Tavern, drink wine by my faith,
Then Shonny consented, and made no delay,
Then Shonny agreed and acted promptly,
But Jockey left Shonny the Reckoning to pay.
But Jockey left Shonny the bill to pay.
While Morgan was merry, and thinking no ill,
While Morgan was cheerful and not suspecting anything wrong,
The Scotchman he used the best of his skill;
The Scotchman used his skills to the fullest;
Considering how he might scamper away,
Considering how he might run away,
For why Sir, he never intended to pay:
For why, Sir, he never meant to pay:
But like a false Loon he slipt out of door,
But like a fake Loon, he slipped out the door,
And never intended to come there no more,
And never intended to come back there again,
Poor Shonny-ap-Morgan, was left for the Score,
Poor Shonny-ap-Morgan was left for the Score,
Cotzo her was never so served before.
Cotzo had never been treated like this before.
Her paying the Shot, then away her went,
Her paying the bill, then she went away,
The Welch blood was up, and her mind was bent,
The Welch blood was boiling, and her mind was set,
For speedy pursuing he then did prepare,
For quick chasing, he got ready,
Then Morgan did mount upon Bob the Gray Mare:
Then Morgan got on Bob the Gray Mare:
Then Whip and Spur stout Shonny did ride,
Then Whip and Spur strong Shonny rode,
And overtook Jockey near to a Wood side,
And passed Jockey close to a wooded area,
And pull'd out her Sword in the height of her Pride,
And pulled out her sword at the peak of her pride,
And wounded poor Jockey who presently dy'd.
And wounded poor Jockey who soon died.
Then Shonny was taken and hurry'd to Jail,
Then Shonny was taken and rushed to jail,
Where her till the Sessions did weep and bewail;
Where she until the Sessions cried and mourned;
And then at the last, by the Laws of the Land,
And then in the end, according to the laws of the land,
Was brought to the Bar to hold up her Hand;
Was brought to the Bar to raise her hand;
O good her Lord Shudge poor Shonny did cry,
O good her Lord Shudge, poor Shonny cried,
Now Whip her, and send her to Wales her Country;
Now whip her and send her back to Wales, her home.
Or cut off a Leg, or an Arm, or an Eye,
Or cut off a leg, an arm, or an eye,
For her is undone, if Condemned to dye.
For her, it's all over if she's sentenced to die.
But this would not do, poor Shonny was cast,
But this wouldn't work, poor Shonny was out of luck,
And likewise received her sentence at last;
And she finally received her sentence as well;
A Gentleman Robber just at the same time,
A Gentleman Robber at the same time,
Received just Sentence then due for his Crime;
Received just sentence then due for his crime;
Then Shonny-ap-Morgan her shed many tears,
Then Shonny-ap-Morgan shed many tears,
Her heart was possessed with sorrow and fears,
Her heart was filled with sadness and fear,
The Gentleman Thief likewise hung down his ears,
The Gentleman Thief also let his ears droop,
For then he expected his antient Arrears.
For then he expected his old debts.
The day being come, they must both bid adieu,
The day has come, and they both have to say goodbye,
Forsaking the world and the rest of their Crew;
Forsaking the world and the rest of their crew;
The Spark was attir'd so gallant and gay,
The Spark was attracted so bold and cheerful,
But Shonny was poor, and in ragged array:
But Shonny was broke and dressed in ragged clothes:
And when they came both to the Gibbet Tree,
And when they both arrived at the Gibbet Tree,
The Gentleman gave to the Hangman a Fee,
The gentleman paid the hangman a fee,
And said, let this Welch man Hang farther from me,
And said, let this Welch man hang farther away from me,
So vile and so ragged a Rascal is he.
He's such a filthy and scruffy scoundrel.
The Welch-man he heard him, and was in a rage,
The Welshman heard him and was furious,
That nothing almost, could his anger asswage;
That almost nothing could calm his anger;
But fretting and chaffing, he thus did begin,
But worrying and getting irritated, he started to say,
Her will make her to know that her came of good kin;
Her will make her know that she comes from good family;
Besides her will tell her her hearty belief,
Besides, her will express her sincere belief,
That her is no more than a Gentleman Thief,
That her is nothing more than a Gentleman Thief,
That robbed on the Roads, and the Plain and the Heath,
That stole on the roads, the plain, and the heath,
Her now will Hang by her in spight of her teeth.
Her now will hang by her in spite of her teeth.
FINIS.
THE END.
Printed for J. Deacon at the Angel in Guiltspur Street.
Printed for J. Deacon at the Angel on Guiltspur Street.
163 ? Corset.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ ? Corset.
[82.] A Country fellow (that had not walked much in streets that were paved) came to London, where a dog came suddenly out of a house, and furiously ran at him: the fellow stooped to take up a stone to cast at the Dog, and finding them all fast rammed, or paved in the ground; quoth hee, what strange Country am I in? where the people tye up the stones, and let the dogs loose.
[82.] A country guy (who hadn't spent much time on paved streets) came to London, where a dog suddenly burst out of a house and ran at him angrily. The guy bent down to grab a stone to throw at the dog, but when he realized all the stones were stuck in the ground or paved over, he said, "What strange country am I in, where people tie up the stones and let the dogs run free?"
[93.] George (Peele), with others of his Associates, being mery together at the Taverne, having more store of Coyne than usually they did possesse; although they were regardlesse of their silver, yet they intended for a season to be good husbands, if they knew how to be sparing of that their pockets were then furnished withall: Five pounds they had amongst them, and a plot must be cast how they might bee merrie with extraordinarie cheere three or foure dayes, and keepe their five pounds whole in stocke: George Peele was the man must doe it, or none, and generally they coniured him by their loves, his owne credit, and the reputation that went on him, that he would but in this shew his wit: and, withall, hee should have all the furtherance that in them lay. George as easie, as they earnest, to be wonne to such an exploit, consented and gathered their money together, and gave it all to George, who should be their purse bearer, and the other foure should seeme as servants to George Peele and the better to colour it, they should goe change their cloakes, the one like the other, so neere as they could possible: the which, at Beelzebub's brother, the Broker's, they might quickly doe: This was soone accomplished, and George was furnished with his blacke Sattin suit, and a paire of bootes, which were as familiar to his legges, as the pillory to a Bakers or Colliers164 necke, and hee sufficiently possest his friends with the whole scope of his intent, as, gentle Reader, the sequell will shew. Instantly they tooke a paire of Oares, whose armes were to make a false gallop no further than Brainford, where their faire was paid to them so liberally, that each of them the next tide to London, purchased two new wastcoates, yet should these good benefactors come to their usuall places of trade, and if they spie a better fare than their [pg 265] owne, that happily the Gentleman hath more minde to goe withall, they will not onely fall out with him that is of their owne sweet transporters, as they are, but abuse the fare they carrie with foule speeches, as, a Pox, or the Devill go with you: as their Godfather Caron the Ferry-man of Hell hath taught them. I speake not this of all, but of some that are brought up in the East, some in the West, some in the North, but most part in the South: but for the rest they are honest compleat men, leaving them to come to my honest George; who is now merry at the three Pigeons165 in Braineford, with Sacke and Sugar, not any wine wanting, the Musicians playing, my host drinking, my hostis dauncing with the worshipfull Justice, for so then he was tearmed, and his Mansion house in Kent, who came thither of purpose to be merry with his men; because he could not so conveniently neere home, by reason of a shrewish wife he had: my gentle hostis gave him all the entertainment the house could afford, for M. Peele had paid royally; for all his five pounds was come to ten groats. Now George Peele's wit labors to bring in that five pounds there was spent, which was soone begotten. Being sot at dinner, My host, quoth George, how fals the Tyde out for London; not till the evening, quoth mine Hoste, have you any businesse, Sir? Yes, marry, quoth George, I intend not to goe home this two dayes: Therefore, my Hoste, saddle my man a horse for London, if you be so well furnished, for I must send him for one bag more, quoth George, ten pounds hath seen no Sunne this six moneths. I am ill furnished if I cannot furnish you with that, quoth my Hoste, and presently sadled him a [pg 266] good Nag, and away rides one of George's men to London, attending the good house of his Master Peele in London; In the meane time George bespeakes great cheare to Supper, saying he expected some of his friends from London. Now you must imagine there was not a peny owing in the house, for he had paid as liberall as Cæsar, as far as Cæsar's wealth went. For indeed most of the money was one Cæsar's an honest man yet living in London: but to the Catastrophe. All the day before, had one of the other men of George Peele been a great soliciter to my Hostis, she would beg leave of his Master he might go see a Maid, a sweet heart of his, so farre as Kingstone, and before his Master went to bed, he would returne againe; saying he was sure shee might command it at his Masters hands. My kinde Hostis willing to pleasure the yong fellow, knowing in her time what belonged to such matters, went to Master Peele, and moved him in it: which he angerly refused. But she was so earnest in it, that shee swore hee should not deny her, protesting he went but to see an uncle of his some five miles off. Marry, I thanke you, quoth George, my good Hostis, would you so discredit me, or hath the knave no more wit, than at this time to goe, knowing I have no horse here, and would he, base cullian, go afoot? Nay, good Sir, quoth mine Hostis, be not angry, it is not his intent to goe afoot; for hee shall have my Mare, and I will assure you, Sir, upon my word, he shall be here againe, to have you to bed. Wel, quoth George, Hostis Ile take you at your word, let him goe, his negligence shall light upon you. So be it, quoth mine Hostis: so down goeth she, and sends away civill Thomas, for so she cal'd him, to his sweet heart backt upon her Mare: which Thomas instead of riding to Kingstone, tooke London in his way, where, meeting with my other horseman, attended the arrivall of George Peele, which was not long after. They are at London, George in his Chamber at Brainford, accompanied with none but one Anthony Nit, a Barber, who Din'd and Sup't with him continually, of whom he had borowed a Lute to passe away the melancholy afternoone, of which he could play as well as Banke's166 his horse. The Barber very modestly takes his leave; [pg 267] George obsequiously bids him to supper, who (God willing) would not faile. George being left alone with his two supposed men, gave them the meane how to escape, and, walking in the Court, George found fault with the weather, saying it was rawish, and cold: which words mine Hostis hearing, my kinde Hostis fetched her Husbands holiday Gowne; which George thankfully put about him, and withall called for a cup of Sacke, after which he would walke into the Meddowes, and practise upon his Lute. 'Tis good for your worship to do so, quoth mine Hostis: which walk George took directly to Sion,167 where, having the advantage of a paire of Oares at hand, made this Journey to London, his two Associates behind, had the plot in their heads by Georges instruction for their escape: for they knew he was gone; my Hostis, she was in the Market buying of provision for Supper: mine Hoste he was at Tables,168 and my two masterlesse men desired the maids to excuse them if their Master came, for, quoth they, we will goe drinke two pots with my Smug Smithes wife at old Brainford. I warrant you, quoth the Maides. So away went my men to the Smith's at old Brainford; from thence to London, where they all met, and sold the Horse and the Mare, the Gowne and the Lute, which money was as badly spent, as it was lewdly got. How my Hoste and my Hostis lookt when they saw the event of this; goe but to the three Pigeons at Brainford, you shall know.
[93.] George (Peele) was hanging out with some of his friends at the tavern, having more cash than usual. Even though they weren't really focused on their money, they decided to be responsible for a bit, figuring out how to have a good time together for three or four days while keeping their five pounds intact. George Peele was the one designated to do this, and they all urged him—out of friendship and for his own reputation—to show his cleverness. He agreed easily, gathered their money, and handed it all over to George, who would be their treasurer. The other four would act as George Peele's servants, and to make it look more convincing, they would change their cloaks to look alike as much as possible; they could do that quickly at Beelzebub's brother’s place, the Broker's. This was accomplished quickly, and George was outfitted in a black satin suit and a pair of boots that fit his legs as comfortably as a pillory fits a baker or colliers164. He filled his friends in on the whole plan, as you’ll see later on. They immediately took a pair of oars to make a false trip to Brainford, where they got such generous treatment that each of them ended up buying two new waistcoats on the next ride back to London. But when these good benefactors returned to their usual spots, if they spotted a better deal than theirs—especially if the guy looked like he was more interested—they wouldn’t hesitate to argue with their fellow transporters, and insult the deal they'd made with nasty remarks like, "a pox on you" or "the devil take you," just as their godfather Caron, the ferry-man of Hell, had taught them. I’m not saying this about all of them, but about some, raised in the East, some in the West, some in the North, but mostly in the South. For the rest, they are decent and respectable gentlemen, leaving them to find my honest George; who is now enjoying himself at the three Pigeons165 in Brainford, with sack and sugar, wine flowing, musicians playing, my host drinking, and my hostess dancing with the honorable Justice—so he was called—who came there on purpose to have a good time with his men since he couldn’t do so conveniently near home due to a shrewish wife. My kind hostess provided him with all the hospitality the house could offer, because Mr. Peele had paid generously; all his five pounds had turned into ten groats. Now George Peele's wit was busy figuring out how to get the five pounds they spent back, which was easy to make happen. Sitting at dinner, George asked my host how the tide looked for London; “Not until the evening,” replied my host. “Do you have some business, sir?” “Yes indeed,” said George, “I don’t plan on going home for two days. So, my host, can you saddle a horse for my man to go to London? I need to send him for one more bag,” said George, “ten pounds hasn’t seen daylight in six months.” “I’ll get you that without a problem,” said my host, and promptly saddled a good nag. One of George's men rode off to London, serving his master Peele in the city; meanwhile, George ordered a lavish dinner for supper, saying he was expecting some friends from London. Now you must imagine there wasn’t a penny owed to the house, as he had paid as lavishly as Cæsar could, given his wealth. In fact, most of the money was one of Cæsar's, an honest man still living in London. But to get to the point: the day before, one of George Peele's other men had been asking my hostess for permission to go see a girl, a sweetheart of his, just as far as Kingston, promising he’d return before his master went to bed; he was confident she could convince his master. My kind hostess, eager to please the young man, knowing well what such matters were about, approached Master Peele about it: he refused angrily. But she was so insistent that she swore he wouldn’t deny her, assuring him the guy was just going to see an uncle five miles away. “Thank you, my good hostess,” George replied, “Would you want to discredit me, or does the fool lack enough sense to see that I have no horse here? Would he, that scoundrel, walk?” “Nay, good sir,” said my hostess, “Don’t be angry, it’s not his intent to walk; he’ll borrow my mare, and I assure you, sir, on my word, he’ll be back to get you to bed.” “Well,” said George, “Hostess, I’ll take you at your word, let him go; his negligence will fall upon you.” “So be it,” replied my hostess: down she went and sent off courteous Thomas—as she called him—to his sweetheart on her mare: which Thomas, instead of riding to Kingston, made a detour to London, where he met up with my other horseman, waiting for the arrival of George Peele, which wasn’t long after. They’re in London, with George in his room at Brainford, accompanied only by one Anthony Nit, a barber, who dined and supped with him regularly, from whom he had borrowed a lute to pass the melancholy afternoon, which he played as well as Banke's166. The barber modestly took his leave; George courteously invited him to supper, who promised (God willing) not to fail. Left alone with his two supposed men, George gave them a way to escape, and while strolling in the courtyard, George remarked on the chilly, raw weather. My hostess, hearing this, fetched her husband's holiday gown; George gratefully put it on and then called for a cup of sack, after which he intended to walk into the meadows and practice on his lute. “It’s good for your worship to do so,” said my hostess. George took that walk straight to Sion,167 where, having the advantage of a pair of oars handy, he made the journey to London, his two companions behind him, remembering George's instructions for their escape: they knew he was leaving; my hostess was at the marketplace buying supplies for supper; my host was at the tables,168 and my two idle men asked the maids to excuse them if their master came back, saying, “We’ll just go have a couple of drinks with my friend's wife at old Brainford.” “I bet you will,” the maids replied. So away went my men to the smith's in old Brainford; from there to London, where they all met up and sold the horse, the mare, the gown, and the lute, which money was as foolishly spent as it was wickedly obtained. You should see how my host and hostess reacted when they found out what happened; just go to the three Pigeons at Brainford, and you’ll know.
164 Now termed coal merchants.
Now called coal merchants.
165 This sign, which exists at Brentford now, was that of a famous house at that time. It is noticed in the old comedy of "The Roaring Girl, or the Catchpole," thus—
165 This sign, which is still in Brentford today, belonged to a well-known establishment back then. It's mentioned in the old comedy "The Roaring Girl, or the Catchpole," like this—
"Thou art admirably suited for the Three Pigeons
"You're perfectly suited for the Three Pigeons."
At Brentford; I swear I know thee not."
At Brentford; I swear I don't know you.
And Ben Jonson in his "Alchemist" makes Subtle say to Doll Common, "We will turn our course to Brainford, westward, if thou saist the word.... My fine flitter-mouse165a my bird o' the night, wee'll tickle it at the pigeons." It has been suggested, with some show of probability, that this sign took its origin from the three doves which Noah sent out from the ark.
And Ben Jonson in his "Alchemist" has Subtle say to Doll Common, "We’ll head west to Brainford if you give the word.... My fine little bat165a my nighttime bird, we’ll have some fun at the pigeons." It has been suggested, with some reasonable evidence, that this sign originated from the three doves that Noah sent out from the ark.
165a A bat.
A bat.
167 Sion House, now the seat of the Duke of Northumberland, is opposite the western end of Kew Gardens.
167 Sion House, currently the residence of the Duke of Northumberland, is located across from the western end of Kew Gardens.
168 Backgammon, or any other games played on the same board.
168 Backgammon and other games played on the same board.
[94.] Two being in a Tavern, the one swore the other should pledge him: why then, quoth the other, I will; who went presently down the stairs, and left him as a pledge for the Reckoning.
[94.] Two people were in a tavern, and one insisted the other should drink to his health. "Alright, I will," said the other, who then immediately went down the stairs and left him behind as a guarantee for the bill.
[91.] First my mother brought me forth, when shortly after, I, the Daughter, bring forth my mother againe.
[91.] First my mother gave birth to me, and soon after, I, the Daughter, give birth to my mother again.
Resolution. Of water is first made ice, which afterwards melts, and brings forth water againe, and so the daughter brings forth the mother, as the mother first the daughter.
Resolution. Water first turns into ice, which then melts and becomes water again, so the daughter brings forth the mother, just as the mother first brought forth the daughter.
Times Alteration
or
or
The Old Mans rehearsall, what brave dayes he knew
The Old Man's rehearsal, what amazing days he knew
A great while agone, when his old Cap was new.
A long time ago, when his old cap was new.
To the Tune of Ile nere be drunke againe.
To the Tune of I'll Never Be Drunk Again.
tis since two hundred yeere,
it's been two hundred years,
No malice then we knew,
No malice back then, we knew,
but all things plentie were:
but all things plenty were:
All friendship now decayes,
All friendships are now fading,
(beleeve me this is true)
(believe me this is true)
Which was not in those dayes,
Which was not in those days,
when this old Cap was new.
when this old cap was new.
The Nobles of our Land
The Nobles of Our Land
were much delighted then,
were very pleased then,
To have at their command
To have at their disposal
a Crue of lustie Men:
a Crew of lusty Men:
Which by their Coates were knowne
Which by their coats were known
of Tawnie, Red or Blue,
of Tawnie, Red or Blue,
With Crests on their sleeves showne
With crests on their sleeves displayed
when this old Cap was new.
when this old cap was new.
Now Pride hath banisht all,
Now Pride has banished all,
unto our Lands reproach,
to our lands' disgrace,
Then he whose meanes is small,
Then he whose means are limited,
maintaines both Horse and Coach.
maintains both Horse and Coach.
Instead of an hundred Men,
Instead of a hundred Men,
the Coach allows but two;
the Coach allows only two;
This was not thought of then,
This wasn't considered back then.
when this old Cap was new.
when this old cap was new.
Good Hospitalitie
Good Hospitality
was cherisht then of many,
was cherished then by many,
Now poore men starve and die,
Now poor men starve and die,
and are not helpt by any
and are not helped by any
For Charitie waxeth cold,
For charity is growing cold,
and Love is found in few;
and love is rare to find;
This was not in time of old,
This was not in ancient times,
when this old Cap was new.
when this old Cap was new.
Where ever you travel'd then,
Wherever you traveled then,
you might meet on the way
you might encounter along the way
Brave Knights and Gentlemen,
Brave Knights and Gentlemen,
clad in their Country Gray;
dressed in their Country Gray;
That courteous would appear,
That polite would appear,
and kindly welcome you,
and warmly welcome you,
No Puritans then were,
No Puritans existed then,
when this old Cap was new.
when this old cap was new.
Our Ladies in those dayes
Our Ladies back then
in civill Habit went,
in civil habit went,
Broad-cloth was then worth prayse,
Broadcloth was then worth praise,
and gave the best content;
and provided the best content;
French Fashions then were scorn'd,
French fashion was then scorned,
fond Fangles then none knew,
fond Fangles then no one knew,
Then Modestie Women adorn'd,
Then modest women adorned,
when this old Cap was new.
when this old Cap was new.
A Man might then behold,
A man might then see,
at Christmas, in each Hall,
at Christmas, in every Hall,
Good Fires, to curbe the Cold,
Good fires, to keep out the cold,
and Meat for great and small.
and Meat for all.
The Neighbours were friendly bidden,
The neighbors were friendly invited.
and all had welcome true,
and all were genuinely welcomed,
The poor from the Gates were not chidden,
The poor from the Gates weren't scolded,
when this old Cap was new.
when this old cap was new.
Black Jackes to every man
Black jackets for everyone
were fill'd with Wine and Beere,
were filled with wine and beer,
No Pewter Pot nor Kanne
No pewter pot or kettle
in those dayes did appeare:
in those days did appear:
Good cheare in a Noble-mans house
Good cheer in a nobleman's house
was counted a seemly shew,
was considered a fitting display,
We wanted no Brawne nor Sowse
We didn't want any Brawne or Sowse.
when this old Cap was new.
when this old cap was new.
We tooke not such delight
We didn't take such delight
in Cups of Silver fine,
in fine silver cups,
None under the degree of a Knight,
None below the rank of a Knight,
in Plate drunk Beere or Wine.
in Plate drunk Beer or Wine.
Now each Mechanicall man,
Now each Mechanical man,
hath a Cup-board of Plate for a shew,
hath a cupboard of silver for show,
Which was a rare thing then,
Which was a rare thing back then,
when this old Cap was new.
when this old Cap was new.
Then Briberie was unborne,
Then Briberie was born,
no Simonie men did use,
no Simonie men used,
Christians did Usurie scorne,
Christians scorned usury,
devis'd among the Jewes.
devised among the Jews.
Then Lawyers to be Feed,
Then Lawyers to be Fed,
at that time hardly knew,
back then barely knew,
For man with man agreed,
For the man who agreed,
when this old Cap was new.
when this old cap was new.
No Captaine then carowst
No Captain then carried
nor spent poore Souldiers Pay,
nor spent poor Soldiers' pay,
They were not so abus'd
They weren’t so abused.
as they are at this day.
as they are now.
Of seven dayes they make eight,
Of seven days, they make eight,
to keepe from them their due,
to keep from them what they are owed,
Poore Souldiers had their right
Poor soldiers had their rights
when this old Cap was new.
when this old cap was new.
Which made them forward still
Which made them still forward
to goe, although not prest,
to go, although not pressed,
And going with good will,
And going with good vibes,
their fortunes were the best.
their fortunes were the greatest.
Our English then in fight
Our English during the fight
did forraine Foes subdue,
defeated foreign enemies,
And forst them all to flight,
And forced them all to flee,
when this old Cap was new.
when this old Cap was new.
God save our gracious King,
God save our great King,
and send him long to live,
and let him live a long life,
Lord, mischiefe on them bring,
Lord, bring mischief upon them,
that will not their almes give.
that will not give their charity.
But seeke to rob the Poore,
But try to steal from the Poor,
of that which is their due;
what they deserve;
This was not in time of yore,
This isn't in the past,
when this old Cap was new.
when this old cap was new.
FINIS.
FIN.
Printed for the Assignes of Thomas Symcocke.
Printed for the Assigns of Thomas Symcocke.
169 ? Martin Parker.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__? Martin Parker.
[77.] In the Country Tarlton told his Hostesse he was a Conjurer. O, Sir (sayes she) I had pewter stolne off my shelf the other day, help me to it, and I will forgive you all the pots of Ale you owe mee, which is sixteene dozen. Sayes Tarlton, To morrow morning the Divell shall help you to it, or I will trounce him. Morning came, and the Hostesse and he met in a roome by themselves. Tarlton, to passe the time with exercise of his wit with circles and tricks, fals to coniure, having no more skill than a dogge. But see the iest, how contrarily it fell out: as he was calling out, mons, pons, simul & fons, and such like, a Cat (unexpected) leapt [pg 272] from the gutter window, which sight so amazed Tarlton, that he skipt thence, & threw his Hostesse downe, so that he departed with his fellowes, and left her hip out of joynt, being then in the Surgeons hands, & not daring to tell how it came.
[77.] In the Country, Tarlton told his Hostess that he was a magician. "Oh, sir," she said, "I had some pewter stolen off my shelf the other day. Help me get it back, and I’ll forgive you all the pints of ale you owe me, which is sixteen dozen." Tarlton replied, "Tomorrow morning, the devil will help you with that, or I’ll take him on." Morning came, and the Hostess and he met in a room by themselves. Tarlton, to entertain himself with some tricks and cleverness, started to conjure, having no more skill than a dog. But look at the irony of the situation: as he was chanting, mons, pons, simul, and fons, a cat unexpectedly jumped in from the gutter window, which startled Tarlton so much that he jumped back, knocking his Hostess down, leaving her with a dislocated hip, and he left with his friends, not daring to explain how it happened.
[4.] One ask'd a Fellow if he would go into the Water with him: No, says he, I'll never go into the Water till I have learnt to Swim.
[4.] One guy asked another if he would go into the water with him: "No," he said, "I'll never go into the water until I've learned how to swim."
[26.] A Woman accidentally coming into the room where they were, and hearing them speak of that Frost170 in Germany, told some such stories; but when she saw the Company began to scruple at the truth of it (which I wonder they did, if they consider but her following discourse) then she up and told them That her dear and loving Husband, peace be with him, was in that great Frost, out late one night, which, truly, Gentlemen, I believe was the occasion of his death; though he lingred Fourteen or Fifteen years after it; he, I say, riding that night, came to a Common, where were great store of very good Cole-pits, insomuch that he fell down to the bottom in one of them, and his Horse fell directly upon him; that it was impossible at that time of night, and in such weather, to be relieved in that great distress; and, having lain so for a long time, and no hopes to be relieved at all, he presently bethought himself, and immediately rose, and went to the next Village, and there borrowed a Pickaxe and a Spade, and then came back with 'em to the Pit, and first digged out himself, and then his Horse, and so about Five a Clock in the Morning came home; but so weary and so cold, that he could not unbutton his Doublet: Nay, says she, after I had hope (sic) him off with all his Cloaths: he was so benumb'd, that I was forc'd to take a Warming Pan of hot Coles, and so went all over his body, yet was he so cold, that he scarcely felt, though the Warming Pan sometimes stood a pretty while together in one place; which truly, Gentlemen, I was fain to do for my Dear Husband: which confirmed them in the belief of it, that it was as true as any of the rest, and gave her [pg 273] thanks for it also, and so she made them half a dozen reverend Courchys and bid 'em good by.
[26.] A woman accidentally walked into the room where they were and heard them talking about that Frost170 in Germany. She shared some stories, but when she noticed the group starting to doubt the truth of it (which I found surprising if they considered what she said next), she quickly told them that her dear and loving husband, may he rest in peace, was caught in that severe frost one night. I truly believe that was the cause of his death, even though he lingered for another fourteen or fifteen years after that. He was riding that night and ended up in a common area with a lot of good coal pits, where he fell all the way to the bottom of one. His horse fell right on top of him, and in that late hour and awful weather, it was impossible for anyone to come to his aid. After lying there for a long time with no hope of rescue, he had a thought and got up. He went to the next village, borrowed a pickaxe and a shovel, and returned to the pit. First, he dug himself out, then freed his horse, and by about five o'clock in the morning, he made it home. But he was so exhausted and so cold that he couldn't unbutton his doublet. "No," she said, "after I managed to get him out of all his clothes, he was so numb that I had to use a warming pan filled with hot coals and went all over his body. Still, he was so cold that he could hardly feel it, even though I held the warming pan in one place for quite some time." Honestly, Gentlemen, I did that for my dear husband. This convinced them that it was as true as any of the other stories, and they thanked her for it. Then she curtsied a few times and said goodbye.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ See __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_1__, p. 259. (Footnote 160)
On a Cobler.
And alwaies found him on the mending hand;
And always found him in the process of fixing things;
At last came death in very foule weather,
At last, death arrived in very bad weather,
And ript the soale from the upper leather:
And ripped the sole from the upper leather:
Death put a trick upon him, and what was't?
Death played a trick on him, and what was it?
The Cobler call'd for's awle, death brought his Laste.
The cobbler called for his awl, but death brought his end.
[82.] There was a Scottish Gentleman that had sore eyes, who was counselled by his Physitians to forbeare drinking of wine: but hee said hee neither could nor would forbeare it, maintaining it for the lesser evill, to shut up the windowes of his body, than to suffer the house to fall downe, through want of repair.
[82.] There was a Scottish gentleman who had sore eyes, and his doctors advised him to stop drinking wine. But he said he could neither stop nor wanted to, arguing that it was a lesser evil to close off the windows of his body than to let the house fall apart from lack of maintenance.
[52.] In Gloucestershire dwelt one that cured frantick men in this manner; when the fit was on them he would put them in a gutter of water, some to the knees, some to the middle, and some to the neck, as the disease was on them. So one that was well amended, standing at the gate, by chance a Gentleman came riding by with his Hawks and his Hounds. The mad fellow called him, and said, Gentleman, whether go you? On hunting (quoth the Gentleman.) What do you with all those Kites and Dogs? They be Hawks and Hounds, quoth the Gentleman. Wherefore keep you them? (quoth the other). Why, (quoth he) for my pleasure. What do they cost you a yeare to keepe them? Forty pounds (quoth the Gentleman) And what do they profit you? (quoth he) Some ten pounds (quoth the Gentleman) Get thee quickly hence, quoth the fellow, for if my Master finde thee here, he will put thee into the gutter up to the throat.
[52.] In Gloucestershire, there lived a man who treated mad people in this way: when they had an episode, he would put them in a water trough, some up to their knees, others to their waist, and some all the way to their neck, depending on the severity of their condition. One day, a man who had recovered was standing at the gate when a gentleman rode by with his hawks and hounds. The mad man called out to him, “Excuse me, where are you headed?” The gentleman replied, “Hunting.” “What do you have all those kites and dogs for?” asked the mad man. “They’re hawks and hounds,” said the gentleman. “Why do you keep them?” asked the other. “For my pleasure,” the gentleman explained. “How much do they cost you to keep each year?” asked the mad man. “Forty pounds,” replied the gentleman. “And how much do they earn you?” the mad man continued. “About ten pounds,” said the gentleman. “You’d better get out of here quickly,” warned the mad man, “because if my master finds you here, he’ll put you in the trough up to your throat.”
The next illustration is a scathing satire on the treatment of the army in Ireland. Perhaps the tersest notice of the history of this time is in The Chronological Historian, by W. Toone. "16 Feb. 1646. The Parliament sent a Committee to form the Army for Ireland.—The Commissioners found the Army not inclined to obey them."
The next illustration is a biting satire on how the army is treated in Ireland. Maybe the briefest account of this period is in The Chronological Historian by W. Toone. "16 Feb. 1646. The Parliament sent a Committee to organize the Army for Ireland.—The Commissioners discovered that the Army was not willing to follow their orders."
The humble petition of us, the poor of Parliament
Soldiers in the Army of Ireland, where __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__
many are already starving, and many are dead
due to lack of surgeons.
[95.] That we the poor distressed Souldiery under the Parliaments Service in Ireland, having heretofore served the Parliament under the Lord Generall Essex, Valiant Massey, and noble Sir William Waller, and the rest, &c, did in all faithfulnesse, hardship and desperate service as ever any, hazzard our lives and fortunes, and did according to order obey [pg 275] and disband, then not so much as doubting of all our Arreares, and now have almost served you two years in all integrity and faithfulnesse both Winter and Summer, wet and dry, frost and Snow, having no other bedding than the bare ground for our beds, and the skies for their covering, and when dry in the day and night, no other signe to drink at but the Sun and Moone, and nothing but water, having no plenty, but cold backs, hungrie bellies, and puddle water, and when sore wounded, not a Surgeon to dresse us, or if a Surgeon, no chest, nor salve, nor oyntments; and for bread many times not a loafe of two pence under sixpence, and rotten Cheese sent, not fit for a dog, and for butter, it went from London to Dover, and mistook Dublin and went to Dunkirk, and for our new Cloathes all made of the French fashion, and being too little for any of us, were carried to France to cloath them, hardly hats to our heads but what our haire growes through, and neither hose or shooes, doublet or breeches, tearing our Snapsacks to patch a hole to hide our naked and starved flesh, and our swords naked for want of scabberds: Thus with our backs without cloaths and our bellies without food, and not a penny to buy anything, and the kernes having burnt all the corne and destroyed all fit for succour, we forced to march bare legged and bare footed, having neither fire nor food, we perish in misery, and our Commanders being in a manner in the same case, having nothing but good words to pay us with, shewing us often your Orders upon Orders for our pay, plentifully promising but not performing, and thus wee dropping downe dead daily in our marching, and so feeble and so weak, being not able to fight or do any more service without some supply, but all like to starve and die in misery, when all meanes is anticipated, and the Tax of 60000l. wholly ingrossed by your Army from us, and your Souldiery quartered in Kings houses, and clad Gentile like, and fed in Free-quarter to the full, and lie in good beds, and take their pleasure and ease in rest and peace.
[95.] That we, the struggling soldiers under the Parliament's service in Ireland, having previously served under Lord General Essex, Valiant Massey, and the noble Sir William Waller, among others, did so with great dedication, facing hardships and taking risks like no others. We put our lives and fortunes on the line, followed orders, and disbanded, not doubting we would receive our arrears. Now, having served you for nearly two years with complete integrity and loyalty—through winter and summer, rain and shine, frost and snow—sleeping on the bare ground with the sky as our roof, with no other drink but water, and no comforts at all, just cold backs, hungry bellies, and puddle water. When severely wounded, we often had no surgeon to treat us, and even if we had one, there were no supplies or ointments. Many times, the bread we received was worth at least sixpence, and the rotten cheese was unfit for a dog. The butter was sent from London to Dover but mistakenly went to Dunkirk instead of Dublin. Our new clothes were all in the French style, too small for any of us, leading to their being sent to France to clothe them. We hardly had hats that didn’t have our hair sticking through them, no proper hose or shoes, and we tore our backpacks to patch the holes to cover our bare and starved bodies, with our swords bare due to lack of scabbards. Thus, with our backs exposed and our stomachs empty, without a penny to buy anything, and the local farmers having burned all the corn and destroyed everything that could sustain us, we were forced to march bare-legged and barefoot, without fire or food, perishing in misery. Our commanders are, in many ways, in the same situation, having nothing to give us but kind words, frequently showing us your orders about our pay—generously promising but failing to deliver. As we drop down dead in our marching, growing weaker by the day, we can no longer fight or serve without support, facing starvation and death in the most dire conditions. Meanwhile, the tax of £60,000 has been completely collected by your army from us, while your soldiers are quartered in royal houses, dressed like gentlemen, well-fed on free-quarter, lying in comfortable beds, enjoying their rest and peace.
We humbly desire our hungry bellies may once be filled, and our naked backs be cloathed, and our legs and feet be hosed and shooed, and our Surgeons once more fitted, and all recruited with food to supply us once more, that we may go [pg 276] out again to finish that work we have begun, and not to lie like Drones to eat up others meat, and we do not doubt, but with Gods blessing to give you a happy account of the Conquest of the whole Land, and shall ever pray for a happy Parliament.
We sincerely hope our hungry bellies can finally be filled, and our bare backs can be clothed, and our legs and feet can be provided with stockings and shoes, and our surgeons can be equipped again, and we can all be replenished with food so we can go back out to complete the work we've started, and not just lie around like drones living off others' efforts. We’re confident that with God's blessing, we'll be able to give you a positive report on the conquest of the entire land, and we will always pray for a successful Parliament.
DUBLIN: Printed by W. B. 1648 (Feb. 18. 1647).
DUBLIN: Printed by W. B. 1648 (Feb. 18, 1647).
Good Beer for My Cash171
The Good-fellowes resolution of strong Ale,
The Good-Fellows' resolution of strong ale,
That cures his nose from looking pale.
That fixes his nose from looking pale.
To the Tune of The Countrey Lass.
To the Tune of The Country Lass.
unto a merry jest,
to a funny joke,
It may from you produce a smile,
It could make you smile,
when you heare it exprest:
when you hear it expressed:
Of a young man lately married,
Of a young man who just got married,
which was a boone good fellow;
which was a close friend;
This song in 's head he alwaies carried,
This song in his head he always carried,
when drinke had made him mellow.
when drink had made him relaxed.
I cannot go home, nor I will not go home,
I can't go home, and I won't go home,
it's 'long of the oyle of Barly,
it's 'long of the oil of barley,
I'le tarry all night for my delight,
I’ll wait all night for my pleasure,
and go home in the morning early.
and head home early in the morning.
No Tapster stout, or Vintner fine,
No Tapster stout, or Vintner fine,
quoth he shall ever get
he will always get
One groat out of this purse of mine
One groat from this purse of mine
to pay his masters debt:
to pay his master's debt:
Why should I deal with sharking Rookes,
Why should I deal with sneaky Rookes,
that seeke poore guls to cozen,
that seek poor girls to deceive,
To give twelve pence for a quart of wine,
To pay twelve pence for a quart of wine,
of ale 'twill buy a dozen.
of ale it will buy a dozen.
'Twill make me sing, I cannot go home &c
'It will make me sing, I can’t go home, etc.'
and Raspie173 doth excell,
But never any wine could yet
But no wine has ever been able to yet
my honour please to swell:
my honor to increase:
The Rhenish wine or Muscadine,
The Rhenish wine or Muscadine,
sweet Malmsie is too fulsome,
sweet Malmsie is too rich,
No, give me a cup of Barlie broth
No, give me a cup of barley broth.
for that is very wholesome.
because that is really wholesome.
'Twill make me sing &c—
It'll make me sing &c—
Hot Waters are to me as death,
Hot waters feel like death to me,
and soon the head oreturneth,
and soon the head returns,
And Nectar hath so strong a breath
And Nectar has such a strong scent
Canary when it burneth.
Canary when it burns.
It cures no paine but breakes the braine,
It doesn't relieve any pain but strains the mind,
and raps out oathes and curses,
and shouts out oaths and curses,
And makes men part with heavie heart,
And makes people part with a heavy heart,
but light it makes their purses.
but it makes their wallets light.
I cannot go home &c
I can't go home &c
Some say Metheglin174 beares the name,
with Perry and sweet Sider,
with Perry and sweet cider,
'Twill bring the body out of frame,
'Twill bring the body out of shape,
and reach the belly wider:
and reach the belly wider:
Which to prevent I am content
Which I'm willing to stop.
with Ale that's good and nappie,
with Ale that's good and nappie,
And when thereof I have enough,
And when I have had enough of that,
I thinke myselfe most happy.
I consider myself very happy.
I cannot go home &c
I can't go home, etc.
All sorts of men when they do meet,
All kinds of men when they meet,
both trade and occupation,
both trade and profession,
With curtesie each other greet,
Greet each other with courtesy.
and kinde humiliation:
and gentle humility:
A good coale fire is their desire,
A nice coal fire is what they want,
whereby to sit and parly,
where to sit and chat,
They'le drinke their ale and tell a tale
They'll drink their beer and share a story.
and go home in the morning early.
and go home early in the morning.
I cannot go home &c
I can't go home, etc.
Your domineering swaggering blades,
Your arrogant swaggering swords,
and Cavaliers that flashes,
and Cavaliers that shine,
That throw the Jugs against the walls,
That throw the Jugs against the walls,
and break in peeces glasses.
and break glasses into pieces.
When Bacchus round cannot be found,
When Bacchus is missing,
they will in merriment
they will be in joy
Drink ale and beere and cast of care,
Drink ale and beer and forget your worries,
and sing with one consent.
and sing together.
I cannot go home &c
I can't go home, etc.
Lawrence Price.
Lawrence Price.
Printed at London.
Printed in London.
172 Hippocras, a compound of wine, sugar, and spice mixed and strained through a cloth.
172 Hippocras is a blend of wine, sugar, and spices that are mixed and filtered through a cloth.
173 Or raspis—raspberry wine.
Or raspis—raspberry wine.
174 A mixture of honey and water, boiled and fermented.
174 A blend of honey and water, heated and fermented.
[52.] A notable yong Rogue, having plaid some notable knavish pranke, was for the offence to be whipt, and as hee was ready to be tied to the Cart, hee said to the Beadle that should whip him; Here is ten Shillings for thee, I pray thee use mee kindly, and deale not too cruelly with me: to whom the Beadle promised great curtesie; but being tied fast to the Cart, hee whipt him very severely. The fellow called unto him, and bad him remember his promise: What knave (quoth the Beadle) do'st prate and talke, and knowest not the Law. Afterward being released he bethought himselfe how he might be revenged on the Beadle, and seeing him stand in the Market, pickes a pocket, and puts the purse into the Beadles pocket, and goes to the fellow, from whom he had stolne the purse, saying, Friend, do you misse nothing? who presently cryed out, saying He had lost his purse. Yonder Beadle hath it (quoth hee) and you shall finde it in his pocket, I saw him take it. The man that had lost his purse goes unto the Beadle, and apprehended him, for his purse, who utterly denied he had it, neither knew of any such matter. But being found about him, he was condemned to die for it. The pick-pocket being imprisoned againe for some small fault desired he might be hangman that day, and it being granted: When the Beadle came to be hanged, Sirrah (quoth the pick pocket) do you remember how you whipt me the other day when I gave you ten shillings? I. (quoth the Beadle) I pray thee forgive me, I am now ready to dye. I. sirrah (quoth hee) thank me for it, for I pickt the purse and put it in your pocket. With that the Beadle began to cry aloud, saying, Hold, hold. What, knave, (quoth the pick pocket) do'st talke and prate, and knowest not the Law. And so he turned him beside the ladder.
[52.] A young rogue, having played some notable tricks, was to be whipped for his offenses. As he was being tied to the cart, he said to the beadle who was going to whip him, "Here’s ten shillings for you; please be kind and don't be too harsh with me." The beadle promised to treat him kindly, but once he was secured to the cart, he whipped him quite severely. The rogue shouted to him, reminding him of his promise. The beadle replied, "What are you babbling about? You don't even know the law." After being released, the rogue thought about how he could get revenge on the beadle. He saw him standing in the market, pick-pocketed someone, and put the stolen purse into the beadle's pocket. He then approached the man he stole from and said, "Do you miss anything?" The man immediately shouted that he had lost his purse. "That beadle has it," the rogue said, "and you’ll find it in his pocket; I saw him take it." The man who lost his purse went to the beadle and accused him of having it, but the beadle completely denied it, claiming he knew nothing about it. However, the purse was found on him, and he was condemned to die for it. While the pickpocket was imprisoned again for a minor offense, he asked to be the hangman that day, and his request was granted. When it was the beadle’s turn to be hanged, the pickpocket said, "Do you remember how you whipped me the other day when I gave you ten shillings?" The beadle pleaded, "Please forgive me; I’m about to die." The pickpocket replied, "Thank me for it, because I picked that purse and put it in your pocket." At this, the beadle began to cry out, "Stop, wait." The pickpocket said, "What are you talking about? You don't even know the law." And with that, he was turned to the side of the ladder.
[17.] A fat man riding upon a lean horse, was ask'd, Why he was so fat, and the horse so lean? said: Because I look to myself, and my man to my horse.
[17.] A heavy man riding on a skinny horse was asked why he was so heavy and the horse so thin. He replied, "Because I take care of myself, and my servant takes care of my horse."
[4.] A Blind Minister coming to speak with a Gentleman, the Gentleman's man came running to him, and told him that the blind Minister was come to see him.
[4.] A blind minister arrived to talk with a gentleman, and the gentleman's servant hurried over to inform him that the blind minister had come to see him.
The very rare book from which the accompanying illustration is taken is not of interest to the general reader. It is a dialogue between the miller and those who bring their wives, etc., to be ground young again; but the woodcut itself is very curious as a caricature.
The very rare book that the accompanying illustration is taken from isn't interesting to the average reader. It's a conversation between the miller and those who bring their wives, etc., to be rejuvenated; however, the woodcut itself is quite interesting as a caricature.
[26.] Another Fellow said that he had heard all their stories, and did think at first that some of them had been untruths, but now, says he, I am better satisfied; and I will tell you what I know upon my own knowledge. I was once in some company where I heard one of them say that to his knowledge a Raven would live a hundred years: so the next day I went and bought me one purposely to make a Tryal, and put him into a Cage and taught him to sing; and I think in my Conscience no Bird but a Raven could sing like him. Well, says he, I kept this Bird above a hundred years; nay, if I should say two hundred, I should not lie, (and fed him all the time myself.) At last being very tame I turn'd him out of the Cage and put him into a Room, where I had only a Goose, but never a Gander for her: I know not how it happened, but the Raven and the Goose fell in league together (for you must know 'twas a Cock Raven,) and she [pg 281] brought ten young ones, all coloured half black, and half white; and those Five which were black towards the head cry'd just like a Raven, and those that were white towards the head, cry'd like Geese, and I eat one of the former, that was black towards the head; and, if you'll believe me, I have had ever since such a strange croaking in my Stomach, especially if I see any Carrion, that 'tis a great disturbance to me: Nay, one of my Neighbours upon some occasion call'd my Wife Carrion; and though I did not love her before; yet ever since I have had a great kindness for her. Then they told him that the strangness of this story made it true, and the Proverb makes it good, that is 'Tis not so strange as true.
[26.] Another guy said he had heard all their stories and thought at first that some of them were lies, but now, he says, he feels more satisfied. He will share what he knows from his own experience. I was once in a group where I heard one of them say that to his knowledge a raven could live for a hundred years. So the next day, I bought one to test it out, put it in a cage, and taught it to sing. Honestly, I believe no bird except a raven could sing like that. Well, he says he kept this bird for over a hundred years; in fact, if I said two hundred, I wouldn't be lying, (and I fed it myself the whole time.) Eventually, getting very tame, I let it out of the cage and into a room where I only had a goose, with no gander for her. I’m not sure how it happened, but the raven and the goose teamed up (you should know it was a male raven), and she brought forth ten young ones, all half black and half white. The five that were black toward the head cried just like a raven, while those that were white toward the head cried like geese. I ate one of the black-headed ones, and believe me, ever since then I’ve had a strange croaking in my stomach, especially when I see any carrion, which really bothers me. Once, a neighbor called my wife Carrion; even though I didn’t like her before, ever since then I’ve felt a lot fonder of her. Then they told him that the weirdness of this story made it true, and the proverb backs it up: 'Tis not so strange as true.
The following caricature of Shrovetide, which has more artistic merit than most similar productions, has a companion in Lent, which, however, not being able to procure the original, I do not give.
The following caricature of Shrovetide, which has more artistic value than most similar works, has a counterpart in Lent, which, however, since I couldn't obtain the original, I will not provide.
Armd Cap a pea from head unto the heele,
Armd Cap a pea from head to heel,
A Spit, his long sword, somewhat worse than steele,
A spit, his long sword, kind of worse than steel,
(Sheathed in a fatt Pigge, and a Peece of Porke)
(Sheathed in a fatty pig, and a piece of pork)
His bottles fil'd with Wine, well stopt with Corke.
His bottles filled with wine, well stopped with cork.
The two plump Capons fluttering at his Crupper,
The two plump capons flapping around his rear,
And's shoulders lac'd with Sawsages for Supper;
And's shoulders laced with sausages for dinner;
The Gridir'n (like a well strung Instrument)
The Gridir'n (like a well-tuned instrument)
Hung at his backe, and for the Turnament
Hung at his back, and for the tournament
His Helmet is a Brasse Pott, and his Flagge
His helmet is a brass pot, and his flag
A Cookes foule Apron, which the wind doth wagg,
A cook's foul apron, which the wind does wag,
Fixd to a Broome, thus bravely he did ride,
Fixd to a broom, he rode bravely,
And boldly to his foe, he thus replyde.
And boldly to his enemy, he replied like this.
What art thou, thou leane jawde Annatamie
What are you, you skinny jawed Annatamie?
All spirit (for I no flesh upon thee spie)
All spirit (for I see no flesh on you)
Thou bragging peece of ayre and smoake that prat'st,
You bragging piece of air and smoke that talks,
And all good fellowship and friendship hat'st.
And you hate all good companionship and friendship.
You'le turne our feasts to fasts, when, can you tell
You’ll turn our feasts into fasts, when, can you tell?
Against your spight, we are provided well.
Against your spite, we are well taken care of.
SHROVETYDE.
Shrove Tuesday.
You that hate Fasting, Dearth, and starvling Leanes,
You who despise fasting, scarcity, and starving thinness,
Spitts bright hang'd up, and Teeth and Platters Cleanes
Spits are hanging bright, and teeth and platters are clean.
SHROVETYDE
Pancake Day
Behold your Champion Shrovetyde in this fray
Check out your Champion Shrovetyde in this battle
Would murder Lent, and every fasting day
Would kill Lent, and every fasting day
Thou sayst thou'lt ease the Cookes, the Cooks could wish
You say you'll help the cooks, and the cooks would appreciate it.
Thee boyld, or broyld with all thy froathy fish,
The boiled, or broiled with all your frothy fish,
For one fish dinner takes more paines and cost
For one fish dinner, it takes more effort and expense.
Than three of flesh, bak'd, roast or boyld, almost.
Than three of flesh, baked, roasted or boiled, almost.
Youle take away our playes, our sports and pleasure,
You’ll take away our games, our activities, and our enjoyment,
And give the Butchers time for ease and leasure.
And give the Butchers time to relax and unwind.
Alasse poor scabbe, how barren are thy hopes
Alasse poor scab, how bleak are your hopes
The Fencers, Beares, and Dauncers on the Ropes,
The Fencers, Bears, and Dancers on the Ropes,
Is manly sport, or lawlesse recreation
Is it a manly sport or a lawless activity?
Which all thy sev'n weeks time, are still in fashion,
Which all your seven weeks' time are still in style,
The truth is, thou aswagest few mens hunger,
The truth is, you satisfy very few men's hunger,
And hast no faithfull friend but the Fishmonger.
And you have no faithful friend except the Fishmonger.
There's little danger to attend on me,
There's not much risk in being around me,
When men are drownd at Sea to furnish thee.
When men are drowned at sea to provide for you.
Pease pottage, and dryde beanes, by proofe we find,
Pease porridge and dried beans, we find by experience,
Offends and fills men with unwholsome wind,
Offends and fills people with bad gas,
And ere I'le be a slave and pinch my maw
And before I become a slave and starve myself
I'le breake all Proclamation, rule and Law,
I will break all proclamations, rules, and laws,
Wee'le fill our Tubs with powdred flesh, beside
We’ll fill our tubs with powdered flesh, beside
By licenc't Butchers we will be supplyde
By licensed butchers, we will be supplied.
With fresh meat; so hungry Lent adieu,
With fresh meat; so hungry, goodbye Lent,
We are resolv'd to feed in spight of you.
We are determined to eat despite you.
FINIS
FINIS
LONDON
LONDON
Printed by M. S. for Thomas Jenner, and are to be sold at his Shop at the South Entrance of the Royal Exchange 1660.
Printed by M. S. for Thomas Jenner, and are to be sold at his Shop at the South Entrance of the Royal Exchange 1660.
175 I.e. foxed or drunk.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ That is. buzzed or tipsy.
[93.] George (Peele) was not so merry at London with his Capons and Claret, as poore Anthony the Barber was sorrowfull at Brainford for the losse of his Lute, & therefore determined to come to London to seeke out George Peele, which by the meanes of a Kinsman that Anthony Nit had in London, his name was Cuts or Feats, a Fellow that had good skill in tricks on the Cards, and he was well acquainted with the place where George's common abode was, and for kindred sake he directed the Barber where he should have him, which was at a blinde Ale house in Sea-cole Lane.176 There he found George in a greene Jerkin, a Spanish platter fashioned Hat, all alone with a Pecke of Oysters. The Barber's heart danc'd within him for joy he had so happily found him; he gave him the time of the day. George not a little abashed at the sight of the Barber, yet went not to discover it openly; he that at all times had a quicke invention, was not now behind hand to entertaine my Barber, who knew for what his comming was. [pg 284] George thus saluted him, My honest Barber, quoth George, welcome to London, I partly know your businesse, you come for your Lute, doe you not? Indeed Sir, quoth the Barber, for that is my comming. And beleeve me, quoth George, you shall not lose your labour, I pray you stand to, and eat an oyster, and I'le go with you presently: For a Gentleman in the Citie of great worship, borrowed it of me for the use of his Daughter, that plays exceeding well, and had a great desire to have the Lute; but, Sir, if you will goe along with me to the Gentlemans house, you shall have your Lute with great satisfaction, for had you not come, I assure you I had sent to you; for you must understand that all that was done at Brainford among us mad Gentlemen, was but a jest, and no otherwise. Sir, I think not any otherwise, quoth the Barber, but I would desire your worship, that as you had it of me in lone, so in kindnesse you would helpe me to it againe. What else, quoth George, Ile goe with thee presently, even as I am, for I came from hunting this morning, and should I go up to the certain Gentlemen above, I should hardly get away. I thank you Sir, quoth the Barber, so on goes George with him in his greene Jerkin, a wand in his hand very pretty, till he came almost to the Alderman's House, where, making a sodaine stay, Afore God, quoth George, I must crave thy pardon at this instant, for I have bethought myselfe, should I go as I am, it would be imagined I had had some of my Lords hounds out this morning, therefore I'le take my leave of thee, and meet thee where thou wilt about one of the Clock. Nay good Sir, quoth the Barber, goe with me now, for I purpose, God willing, to be at Brainford tonight. Saist thou so, quoth George, why then I'le tell thee what thou shalt doe, thou art here a stranger, and altogether unknowne, lend me thy Cloake and thy Hat, and doe thou put on my greene Jerken, and I'le goe with thee directly along. The Barber, unwilling to leave him untill he had his Lute, yeelded to the change. So when they came to the Gentleman's porch he put on George's greene Jerken and his Spanish Hat: and he the Barbers Cloake, and his Hat; either of them being thus fitted, George knocks at the doore, to whom the Porter bids heartily welcome, for George was well knowne, who at that [pg 285] time had all the oversight of the Pageants, he desires the Porter to bid his friend welcome, for he is a good fellow and a keeper, Master Porter, one that at his pleasure can bestow a haunch of Venison on you: Marry that can I, quoth the Barber. I thank you Sir, answered the Porter, Master Peele, my Master is in the Hall, pleaseth it you to walke in? With all my heart, quoth George, in the meane time let my friend beare you company. That he shall, Master Peele, quoth the Porter, and if it please him he shall take a simple dinner with me. The Barber gives him harty thankes, nothing doubting Master Peele any way, seeing him knowne, and himselfe so welcome, fell in Chat with the Porter. George Peele goes directly to the Alderman, who now is come into the Court in the eye of the Barber, where George after many complaints, drawes a black paper out of his bosome, & making action to the Barber, reads to the Alderman as followeth, I humbly desire your worship to stand my friend in a sleight matter; yonder hard favoured knave, that sits by your Worship's Porter, hath dog'd me to arrest me, and I had no other meanes but to take your Worship's house for shelter; the occasion is but triviall, onely for stealing of a piece of flesh, myselfe consorted with three or foure gentlemen of good fashion, that would not willingly have our names come in question. Therefore this is my boone, that your Worship would let one of your servants let me out at the Garden doore, and I shall think myselfe much indebted to your Worship. The kind Gentleman, little dreaming of George Peele's deceit, took him into the Parlor, gave him a brace of Angels, & caused one of his servants to let George out at the Garden doore, which was no sooner opened, but George made way for the Barber seeing him any more, and all the way he went, could not choose but laugh at his knavish conceit; how he had guld the simple Barber, who sat all this while with the Porter, blowing of his nayles; to whom came this fellow that let George out. You whorson Keeperly Rascall, quoth the fellow, dare you come any honest Gentleman in my Masters house? Not I, so God helpe me, quoth the Barber, I pray Sir where is the Gentleman Master Peele that came along with me? Farre enough, quoth the Fellow, for your comming [pg 286] neere him, he is gone out at the Garden doore. Garden doore? quoth the Barber, Sir, I am no Keeper, I am quite undone: I am a Barber dwelling at Brainford, and, with weeping teares, up and told him how George had used him. The servant goes in & tels his Master; which when he heard, he could not but laugh at the first: yet in pitty of the poore Barber, he gave him twenty shillings towards his losse. The Barber, sighing, tooke it, and towards Brainford home he goes, and whereas hee came from thence in a new Cloake and a faire Hat, hee went home weeping in an old Hat, and a greene Jerken.
[93.] George (Peele) wasn't having as much fun in London with his fine food and wine as poor Anthony the Barber was sad in Brainford over the loss of his lute. So, he decided to head to London to find George Peele. Thanks to a relative of Anthony Nit in London, named Cuts or Feats, who was skilled at card tricks and knew where George's usual hangout was, the Barber got directed to a shady pub on Sea-cole Lane.176 There he saw George, dressed in a green jacket and a Spanish-style hat, sitting alone with a plate of oysters. The Barber was thrilled to find him and greeted him warmly. George seemed a bit embarrassed at the sight of the Barber but didn’t show it. Always quick-witted, he engaged the Barber, who knew why he was there. [pg 284] George greeted him, "My honest Barber, welcome to London. I have a feeling I know why you’re here — you want your lute back, right?" "Indeed, Sir," replied the Barber, "that’s why I came." "Believe me," said George, "you won't leave empty-handed. Please, have an oyster while I get ready to go with you. A gentleman in the city borrowed it for his daughter, who plays extremely well and really wanted it. But if you come with me to his house, you’ll get your lute back with satisfaction. Had you not come, I would have sent it to you anyway. You should know, all the fuss we made at Brainford was just a joke." "I understand perfectly," replied the Barber, "but I’d appreciate it if you could help me get it back just like you borrowed it." "No problem," George said, "I’ll come with you just as I am. I came back from hunting this morning, and if I head up to those gentlemen, it could be a hassle." "Thank you, Sir," said the Barber. So, George put on his green jacket and took a stick in his hand, looking fine as they walked almost to the Alderman's house, when suddenly he stopped and said, "I must apologize, I just realized if I go looking like this, people will assume I was out with my lord’s hounds this morning, so I’ll take my leave now and meet you wherever you like around one o'clock." "Come on, Sir," said the Barber, "please come with me now. I plan to be in Brainford tonight if all goes well." "Really?" George replied, "then here’s what you should do: since you’re a stranger here, lend me your cloak and hat, and put on my green jacket so I can go with you directly." The Barber, not wanting to leave until he got his lute, agreed to the swap. When they arrived at the gentleman's doorstep, he put on George's green jacket and Spanish hat, while George donned the Barber's cloak and hat. After they had exchanged outfits, George knocked at the door, where the Porter happily welcomed him since George was well-known. He asked the Porter to welcome his friend because he was a good fellow and a keeper. "Indeed, I can offer you a fine piece of venison," said the Barber. "Thank you, Sir," replied the Porter. "Master Peele, my Master is in the hall. Would you like to come in?" "With pleasure," said George, "but let my friend join us too." "Of course, Master Peele," replied the Porter, "and if he wishes, he can enjoy a simple meal with me." The Barber heartily thanked him, not doubting George Peele in the slightest, seeing him so recognized and welcome, he started chatting with the Porter. George Peele went directly to the Alderman, who had just come into view of the Barber, and after several complaints, pulled out a piece of black paper from his pocket, signaling to the Barber, and read to the Alderman as follows: "I humbly ask your worship to help me with a small issue; that rough-hewn guy sitting by your Porter has been trailing me to arrest me, and I had no other option than to seek shelter in your house. It’s just a minor matter—simply for stealing a piece of meat, and I was with a few gentlemen of good standing who wouldn’t want our names mentioned. So, I kindly ask that one of your servants let me out through the garden door, and I will owe you a great favor." The kind gentleman, not suspecting George Peele's trickery, took him into the parlor, gave him a couple of coins, and had one of his servants let George out through the garden door. As soon as it opened, George made his escape, leaving the Barber behind, who sat with the Porter, and all the way George went, he couldn’t help but laugh at how he had fooled the naive Barber, who was still with the Porter, idly inspecting his nails. The fellow who let George out came back to the Barber, "You scoundrel, how can you show up in my Master's house?" "Not me, I swear," the Barber said, "but where is the gentleman, Master Peele, who came with me?" "Far gone," the fellow replied, "you are lucky he left through the garden door." "Garden door?" the Barber exclaimed, "Sir, I’m not a keeper, I’m in trouble now. I’m a Barber from Brainford," and with tears he explained how George had tricked him. The servant went in and told his master, and when he heard this, he couldn’t help but laugh initially; yet, feeling sorry for the poor Barber, he gave him twenty shillings to help cover his loss. The Barber, sighing, accepted it and headed home to Brainford, leaving in an old hat and a green jacket instead of the new cloak and fine hat he had come with, all the while weeping.
The accompanying illustration is taken from a tract, in itself of no literary merit or humour, but the picture is amusing, representing a "Brown177 Dozen of Drunkards, ali-ass Drink-haros, Jocoseriously descanted to our wine drunk, wrath drunk, and zeale drunk staggering times."
The illustration shows a scene from a pamphlet that's not great in terms of writing or humor, but the image is funny. It depicts a "Brown177 Dozen of Drunkards, all called Drink-haros, who are humorously lectured to our wine-drunk, anger-drunk, and zeal-drunk staggering times."
176 This lane was between Snow Hill and Fleet Lane.
176 This path was located between Snow Hill and Fleet Lane.
177 Most probably meant for a round dozen, or baker's dozen, as there are thirteen depicted and thirteen characters in the tract.
177 Most likely meant for a round dozen, or baker's dozen, since there are thirteen shown and thirteen characters in the tract.
[94.] A drunken fellow returning home towards evening, found his wife hard at her spinning; she reproving him for his ill husbandry, and commending herself for her good huswifery, [pg 287] he told her that she had no great cause to chide, for as she had been spinning, he came home all the way reeling.
[94.] A drunken guy coming home in the evening found his wife busy with her spinning. She scolded him for being a bad husband and praised herself for being a good housewife. [pg 287] He replied that she shouldn't be so harsh, since while she was spinning, he had been stumbling his way home.
Which when the owner home did bring,
Which the owner took home,
He that made it did refuse it,
He who made it rejected it,
And he that bought it would not use it,
And the person who bought it wouldn’t use it,
And he that hath it doth not know,
And the one who has it doesn't even know,
Whether he hath it, I, or no.
Whether he has it, I do or do not.
Resolution A Coffin bought by another for a dead man.
Resolution A coffin purchased by someone else for a deceased person.
[86.] One affirmed that he had been in a certain Country, where their Bees were as big as our Sheep. This impudent lye one began to examine, and therefore said, sure then the Bee-hives must be of a huge bignesse; No, saith the other, they are no bigger than ours; How then can they get in? said one. This bogled178 the lyar like a Mouse in pitch; at last he answered, let them whom it concerns look to that.
[86.] One person claimed he had been to a certain country where the bees were as big as our sheep. This liar was questioned, and someone asked, "So the beehives must be huge then?" "No," replied the other, "they're no bigger than ours." "Then how do they fit in?" asked someone. This stumped178 the liar like a mouse in pitch; finally, he said, "Let those who need to know figure it out."
178 Puzzled, bothered.
Puzzled and annoyed.
A Health to all Good-Fellowes:
or
The Good Companions Arithmetic.
To the Tune of, To drive the cold Winter away.
To the tune of, To drive the cold winter away.
Be merry my hearts, and call for your quarts,
Be cheerful, my friends, and pour yourselves some drinks,
and let no liquor be lacking,
and make sure there's plenty of liquor,
We have gold in store, we purpose to roare,
We have gold in store, and we plan to roar,
untill we set care a packing.
untill we get our stuff ready.
Then Hostis make haste, and let no time waste,
Then Hostis hurry up, and don’t waste any time,
let every man have his due,
let everyone get what they deserve,
To save shooes and trouble, bring in the pots double,
To save shoes and hassle, bring in the pots two at a time,
for he that made one made two.
for the one who created one also created two.
I'le drink up my drinke, and speak what I thinke,
I'll finish my drink and say what I think,
strong drinke will make us speake truely,
strong drink will make us speak truly,
We cannot be termed all drunkards confirmed,
We can’t all be labeled as confirmed drunks,
so long as we are not unruly.
so long as we behave ourselves.
Wee'le drinke and be civill, intending no evill,
We'll drink and be civil, meaning no harm,
if none be offended at me,
if no one is offended by me,
As I did before, so I'le adde one more,
As I did before, so I'll add one more,
and he that made two made three.
and the one who made two made three.
The greedy Curmudgin sits all the day snudging179
The greedy Curmudgin sits around all day snudging179
at home with browne bread and small beare,
at home with brown bread and small beer,
To Coffer up wealth, he starveth himselfe,
To hoard wealth, he deprives himself,
scarce eats a good meale in a yeare.
scarce eats a good meal in a year.
But I'le not do so, how ere the world go
But I won't do that, no matter how the world turns.
so long as I have money in store
so long as I have money saved up
I scorne for to faile, go fil us more Ale,
I refuse to fail, so let's get some more beer.
for he that made three made four.
for the one who made three also made four.
Why sit you thus sadly, because I call madly,
Why are you sitting there so sadly, just because I'm calling you crazy?
I meane not to leave in the lurch,
I don't mean to leave you hanging,
My reckoning Ile pay ere I go away,
My guess is I'll pay before I leave,
else hang me as high as a Church.
else hang me as high as a church.
Perhaps you will say, this is not the way,
Perhaps you'll say, this isn't the way,
they must pine that in this world will thrive,
they must long for what will thrive in this world,
No matter for that, wee'le laugh and be fat,
No matter about that, we'll laugh and be happy,
for he that made foure made five.
for the one who made four also made five.
To those my good friends my love so extends,
To those, my good friends, my love extends greatly,
I cannot truely expresse it;
I can't truly express it;
When with you I meet, your words are so sweet,
When I meet you, your words are so sweet,
I am unwilling to misse it.
I am unwilling to miss it.
I hate all base slaves that their money saves,
I hate all the lowly people who only care about their money,
and all those that use base tricks,
and all those who use cheap tricks,
For with joviall blades, I'm merry as the Maids,
For with cheerful swords, I'm as happy as the girls,
for he that made five made six.
for the one who made five made six.
Then drink about round till sorrow be dround,
Then drink about until sorrow is drowned,
and let us sing hey downe a derry,
and let's sing hey downe a derry,
I cannot endure, to sit thus demure,
I can't stand sitting here all reserved,
for hither I came to be merry.
for I came here to be happy.
Then plucke up a good heart before we depart,
Then gather your courage before we leave,
with my Hostesse we will make it even,
with my hostess we will settle it.
For I am set a madding, and still will be adding,
For I am going crazy, and I will keep adding,
for he that made six made seven.
for the one who created six also created seven.
Sad mellancholly will bring us to folly,
Sad melancholy will lead us to foolishness,
and this is deaths principall magent, (sic)
and this is death's main magnet, (sic)
But this course I will take, it never shall make
But this path I will choose, it will never define me.
me looke otherwise than an agent.
me look otherwise than an agent.
And in more content my time shall be spent,
And I will spend more time on content,
and I'le pay every man his right,
and I'll pay every man what he deserves,
Then hostesse go fill, and stand not so still,
Then hostess, go fill, and don’t just stand there.
for he that made seven made eight.
for the one who created seven also created eight.
At home I confesse, with my wife honest Besse,
At home, I confess, with my honest wife Besse,
I practise good husbandry well,
I practice good husbandry well.
I follow my calling, to keep me from falling;
I pursue my passion to keep myself grounded;
my neighbours about me that dwell
my neighbors who live near me
Wil praise me at large for maintaining my charge,
Wil praise me a lot for keeping up with my responsibilities,
but when I to drinking incline
but when I lean towards drinking
I scorne for to shrinke, go fetch us more drinke,
I refuse to back down, go get us more drinks,
for he that made eight made nine.
for the one who created eight also created nine.
Then while we are here, wee'le drinke Ale & Beer,
Then while we're here, we'll drink ale and beer,
and freely our money wee'le spend,
and freely we'll spend our money,
Let no man take care, for paying his share,
Let no one worry about covering their part,
if need be I'le pay for my friend.
if necessary, I’ll pay for my friend.
Then Hostesse make haste, and let no time waste,
Then the hostess hurried and didn’t waste any time,
you're welcome all, kind Gentlemen,
you’re all welcome, kind gentlemen,
Never fear to Carowse, while there is beere in the house,
Never hesitate to celebrate while there's beer in the house,
for he that made nine made ten.
for the one who made nine made ten.
Then Hostesse be quicker, and bring us more liquor,
Then hostess, be quicker and bring us more drinks,
and let no attendance be missing,
and make sure everyone is present,
I cannot content me, to see the pot empty,
I can't settle for seeing the empty pot,
a full cup is well worth the kissing.
a full cup is definitely worth the kiss.
Then Hostesse go fetch us some, for till you do come,
Then the hostess goes to get us some, because until you arrive,
we are of all joyes bereaven,
we are deprived of all joys,
You know what I mean, make haste, come again,
You know what I mean, hurry up, come back,
for he that made ten, made eleven.
for the one who created ten, created eleven.
With merry solaces, quite voyd of all malice,
With cheerful comforts, completely free of any harm,
with honest good fellowes thats here,
with honest good guys that are here,
No cursing nor swearing, no staring nor tearing,
No cursing or swearing, no staring or crying,
amongst us do seeme to appeare.
among us do seem to appear.
When we have spent, all to labour we fall,
When we’ve put in all our effort, we fall.
for a living wee'le dig, or wee'le delve,
for a living we’ll dig, or we’ll delve,
Determin'd to be both bounteous and free,
Determined to be generous and open,
he that made eleven, made twelve.
he who made eleven, made twelve.
Now I think it is fit and most requisit,
Now I think it is appropriate and necessary,
to drinke a health to our wives,
to drink a toast to our wives,
The which being done, wee'le pay and be gone,
The task completed, we'll pay and leave.
strong drinke all our wits now deprives.
strong drink now takes away all our senses.
Then, Hostesse, let's know the summe that we owe,
Then, Hostess, let's find out the total amount we owe,
twelve pence there is for certain
twelve pence for sure
Then fill t'other pot, and here's money for't
Then fill the other pot, and here's the money for it.
for he that made twelve made thirteene.
for the one who made twelve made thirteen.
FINIS.
FINIS.
London, Printed for Henry Gossen.
London, Published for Henry Gossen.
179 Being mean, miserly.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Being rude, stingy.
[52.] An untravelled Irish man intended to see England, and arriving at London, chanced to light on a Barbers shoppe, supposing by his cluster of Basons hanging at the door, it must of necessity be some penny-pottage Ordinary: and, wanting [pg 291] the language, entred the shop, and pointed to his mouth, meaning some victuals to stay his hunger. The Barber gathered by this signe, that the poore fellow had pain in his teeth, and desired to have one pluckt out; willed him to sit downe in his Chaire, and approached with his dismall instruments towards the fellows chaps. The Irishman began to wonder at this strange kinde of feeding, giving the Barber to understand (so well as he could) he was never brought up to that kinde of feeding, and with an unmannerly thrust bad him, Avant.180 The Barber, half discontented, tumbled the Irish man with his Chair upside down, who, sprawling on the ground began to seeke after the doore, and made as much haste to his lodging as he could: where, meeting with one of his Countrymen, hee prayed him, of all loves, to depart this Country of England, and returne to that worthy Ireland. For, (quoth he) they be ill divels here, and no honest men, since when a poore stranger makes shew of hunger, the knavish Inhabitants will break out men's teeth like dogs, and so send us to our Country again with never a tooth in our heads: which caused much good mirth to all that heard it.
[52.] An untraveled Irish man wanted to see England, and when he arrived in London, he stumbled upon a barber shop. Seeing the array of basins hanging at the door, he assumed it must be a place for cheap food. Lacking the language, he walked into the shop and pointed to his mouth, indicating he wanted something to eat to satisfy his hunger. The barber interpreted this gesture to mean that the poor guy had a toothache and wanted a tooth pulled. He told him to sit down in the chair and approached with his grim tools. The Irishman began to wonder about this strange way of getting food, trying to communicate (as best as he could) that he wasn't raised to eat that way, and rudely told him to go away. 180 The barber, half annoyed, flipped the Irishman’s chair over, sending him sprawling to the ground. He then started looking for the door and hurried back to his lodging. There, he encountered another countryman and begged him, for heaven's sake, to leave England and return to their great Ireland. "For," he said, "there are bad devils here, and no honest men. When a poor stranger shows he’s hungry, the deceitful locals will yank out your teeth like dogs and send us back home with no teeth in our heads," which made everyone who heard it laugh heartily.
180 Avaunt, begone.
Back off, leave now.
[17.] A great Lord being in the Tower was visited by some other Lords; and being merry, one began the Kings health, which he refused to pledge. They told him 'twould be ill taken: Why truly, my Lords, saies he, I'll pray for the Kings health, but drink for my own.
[17.] A powerful Lord in the Tower was visited by a few other Lords; and while they were having a good time, one of them raised a toast to the King’s health, which he declined to join. They warned him it would be viewed poorly: "Well, my Lords," he said, "I'll pray for the King's health, but I'll drink to my own."
[4.] A gentleman ordr'd a Crane for Supper; but his Cook, having a Sweetheart in a longing condition, cut off a Leg and sent her; so the one Legg'd Crane was set on the Table, which the Gentleman seeing, was enrag'd at his Cook; but he, being an arch Wag, readily told the Gentleman that Cranes had but one Leg, and avowed it with that Confidence, that he gain'd upon his wise Masters belief; but he, resolving to observe it as he was walking in the Fields one Frosty Morning, he saw a flock of Cranes, and, sending for his Cook, they held up one of their Legs under their Wings, as is [pg 292] the Custom of those birds in the cool weather. So, says his Cook, I hope your Worship is satisfied that they have but one Leg; but the Gentleman going pretty near to them, cries Cush, and frighted them up. Whereupon both Legs appear'd. Look, says the Gentleman, they have now two Legs. Oh, says the Cook, if you had cried Cush to that in the Dish, it wou'd have had two Legs too.
[4.] A gentleman ordered a crane for dinner; however, his cook, having a girlfriend who was craving something, cut off a leg and sent it to her. So the one-legged crane was placed on the table, which angered the gentleman when he saw it. But the cook, being a clever trickster, quickly told the gentleman that cranes only had one leg and said it with such confidence that he convinced his wise master. Determined to find out the truth, the gentleman went for a walk in the fields one frosty morning and saw a flock of cranes. He called for his cook, and as they watched, the cranes held up one of their legs under their wings, which is how these birds behave in cold weather. "So," said the cook, "I hope you’re satisfied that they have only one leg." But as the gentleman stepped closer and shouted "Cush," the birds took off, revealing both legs. "Look," said the gentleman, "they now have two legs." "Oh," said the cook, "if you had yelled 'Cush' at that one in the dish, it would have had two legs too."
[26.] A Gentleman that had bred up a Young Colt, and had taught him many pretty pieces of Activity, but one among the rest, that of leaping so well, that no Ditch or Hedg, though never so broad or deep but he whipt over: nay, an ordinary House was nothing with him, or small Country Church also, but yet could never leap over the Steeple. It fortun'd that the Gentleman having occasion to ride abroad on him, came to a River that was about Twenty yards wide, which you'll say was very broad; yet this poor beast leapt with him to the very brink of the River on the other side, and there by chance lighted upon a stump of a Tree which ran into his Belly; which the Master seeing, alighted, and so left the poor Beast in that condition, yet would not kill him, and so went away. About six months after, this Gentleman was riding that way with his Man, and as they rode, says his Master, Don't you see something move yonder? Yes, says he, I think I see a Tree go; and coming near to it, they put aside all the Boughs, and there spied his late Horse, which he thought had died there: so they cut off all the Boughs, which were so many as to load almost three Carts, and then he took the poor Beast home, and cur'd him of all but the stump of the Tree which was in his Belly; and, indeed he need not do it, for he receiv'd a great advantage by it every year; that is, at least two or three load of Wood, which serv'd him to burn in his Chamber; for he would never burn any other than that, out of the love he bore to that poor beast of his. But some that heard him tell it, thought it savour'd too much of the Legend: Why, if you won't believe me, ask my Man, who knows it as well as I, and shall swear it too, if you please.
[26.] A gentleman had raised a young colt and had trained him in many impressive skills, especially jumping. This colt could leap over any ditch or hedge, no matter how wide or deep; even a regular house or small country church was no challenge for him. However, he could never jump over the steeple. One day, the gentleman needed to ride him and came across a river that was about twenty yards wide, which you might consider quite broad. The poor animal jumped with him to the edge of the river on the other side, but unfortunately landed on a tree stump that pierced his belly. The master, seeing this, dismounted and left the poor beast in that state, unwilling to kill him, and went on his way. About six months later, the gentleman was riding that way with his servant, and as they rode, the master said, "Don't you see something moving over there?" The servant replied, "Yes, I think I see a tree moving." As they got closer, they pushed aside the branches and discovered his old horse, which he believed had died there. They cut away all the branches, which were enough to fill almost three carts, and then he took the poor beast home, healing him of everything except for the stump in his belly. In fact, he didn't need to remove it because it provided him with a significant benefit every year: at least two or three loads of wood, which he used to burn in his chamber. He refused to burn any wood other than that, out of love for his poor beast. However, some who heard him tell the story thought it leaned too much towards a legend. "Well, if you don't believe me, ask my servant, who knows it just as well as I do and will swear to it if you want."
Who whilst she lived was ever unquiet.
Who, while she was alive, was always restless.
Her Husband prays, if by her Grave you walk,
Her husband prays, if you walk by her grave,
You'd gently tread, for if waked, she'll talk.
You'd walk softly, because if she wakes up, she'll start talking.
The following was written in 1646, and is a satire on the then feeling of the army.
I.
And drinke an health to their confusion
And raise a glass to their downfall.
Who doe instead of money send us words,
Who, instead of sending us money, sends us words,
Lets not be subject to the vain delusion
Let's not fall prey to the empty illusion.
Of those would have us fight without our pay,
Of those who want us to fight without our pay,
While money chinks, my Captain i'le obey.
While money talks, my Captain, I'll obey.
II.
I'le not be slave to any servile Groom,
I won't be a slave to any servile groom,
Let's to the Sutlers and there drink and sing
Let's go to the Sutlers and drink and sing there.
My Captain for a while shall have my room,
My captain will stay in my room for a while,
Come hither Tom, of Ale two douzen bring,
Come here Tom, bring two dozen of ale,
Plac'd Ranke and File, Tobacco bring us store,
Plac'd in ranks and files, bring us plenty of tobacco,
And as the Pots doe empty, fill us more.
And as the pots empty, fill us up more.
III.
Let the Drum cease, and never murmure more,
Let the drum stop, and never make a sound again,
Untill it beat, warning us to repair
Until it beat, warning us to fix
Each man for to receive of Cash good store,
Each man will receive a good amount of cash,
Let not the Trumpet shril, ere rend the ayre,
Let not the trumpet sound sharply before it pierces the air,
Untill it cites us to the place where we
Untill it leads us to the place where we
May heaps of silver for our payment see.
May piles of silver come our way for payment.
IV.
I come not forth to doe my Countrey good,
I don't come out to do my country good,
I come to rob, and take my fill of pleasure,
I’ve come to steal and enjoy myself.
Let fools repel their foes with angry mood,
Let idiots push away their enemies with their bad tempers,
Let those doe service while I share the treasure:
Let those do the work while I enjoy the rewards:
I doe not mean my body ere shall swing
I don’t mean my body will swing.
Between a pare of crutches, tottering.
Between a pair of crutches, wobbling.
V.
Let thousands fall, it nee'r shall trouble me,
Let thousands fall, it will never trouble me,
Those puling fools deserve no better fate,
Those whining fools deserve no better outcome,
They mirth's Apposers were, and still would be,
They were the ones who opposed joy, and they still are.
Did they survive, let me participate,
Did they make it? Let me join in.
Of pleasures, gifts, while here I live, and I
Of pleasures, gifts, while I'm here, and I
Care not, although I mourne eternally.
Don’t worry, even though I grieve forever.
VI.
I laugh to think how many times I have
I laugh to think about how many times I have
Whiles others fighting were against the foe,
Whiles others were fighting against the enemy,
Within some Thicket croucht myself to save,
Within a thicket, I crouched to hide,
Yet taken for a valiant Souldier tho,
Yet considered a brave soldier though,
When I amongst them come, for I with words,
When I come among them, I use words,
Can terrifie, as others can with swords.
Can terrify, as others can with swords.
VII.
Damme you Rogue if thou provoke my wroth
Damn you, Rogue, if you provoke my anger.
1 Canes qui multum latrant, raro mordent.
1 Dogs that bark a lot hardly ever bite.
1I'le carve thee up, and spit thee, joynt by joynt
1I’ll chop you up and roast you, joint by joint.
There's none that tasted of my fury hath,
There's no one who has tasted my fury.
But fear and tremble lest I should appoint
But fear and tremble that I might appoint
A second penance from them, when my brow
A second punishment from them, when my forehead
Is bent, marke how the rascalls to me bow.
Is bent, notice how the scoundrels bow to me.
VIII.
Thus menacing I'm taken for to be
Thus I'm seen as quite a threat.
A man indeed, when I should fear to fight
A man, really, when I should be afraid to fight
With coward Thersites, and if that he
With coward Thersites, and if that he
Were my Antagonist, but I delight
Were my Antagonist, but I delight
2 All manner of victuals.
2 All kinds of food.
To fight and pash dame Ceres treasure2
To battle for dame Ceres treasure2
3 Wine.
Wine.
To quaff Lyen's bloud3 I take great pleasure.
To drink Lyen's blood3 I take great pleasure.
IX.
Proceed yee brethren, doe each other hate,
Proceed, brothers, do you all hate each other,
And fight it to the last, I wish the Wars
And fight it to the end, I wish the Wars
May ever untill doomsday prosperate,
May you succeed forever
And time nee'r see a period of the jars:
And time never sees a period of the jars:
For I before like to a slave did live,
For I used to live like a slave,
4 An ignominious name given the Danes by English men, for their slothfull and lasie living.
4 A shameful name assigned to the Danes by the English because of their lazy and idle way of life.
Now like unto a Lurdain4 doe I thrive.
Now I thrive just like a Lurdain4 doe.
X.
Fill us more Ale, me thinks thy lazie gate
Fill us more ale, I think your lazy walk
Is slower than the Tortoise, make more speed,
Is slower than the Tortoise, move faster,
An tha'st a Female of an easie rate
An tha'st a woman of an easygoing nature.
Lets see her, for my flesh doth tumults breed:
Let's see her, because my feelings are all over the place:
Run on, thoul't wish when that day comes thou must
Keep going, you'll wish when that day comes you have to
Give an account, that thou hadst been more just.
Give an account, that you have been more just.
[86.] A Country honest fellow upon the first coming out of the Parliament coyne, taking it in his hand, and turning it backward and forward; when he had read the circumscription of it, said, Here are Crosses enough, I trow me, but how long they shall last I know not, for I see here the Commonwealth of England, and God with Us are not of one side.
[86.] A country guy, when he first saw the new Parliament coin, picked it up and examined it closely. After reading the writing on it, he said, "There are plenty of crosses here, I think, but I don't know how long they'll last. I see that the Commonwealth of England and God with Us are not on the same side."
[93.] George (Peele) on a time being happily furnished both of horse and money, though the horse he hired, and the money he borrowed: but no matter how he was possest of them, and towards Oxford he rides to make merry with his friends and fellow students: and in his way he tooke Wickham, where he sojourned that night: Being at supper accompanied with his Hostis, among other table-talke, they fell into discourse of Chirurgerie, of which my Hostis was a simple professor. George Peele observing the humour of my she Chirurgion, upheld her in all the strange cures she talked of, and praised her womanly endevour; telling her, he loved her so much the better, because it was a thing that he professed, both Physicke and Chirurgirie; and George had a Dictionary of Physicall words, that it might set a better glosse upon that which he seemingly profest: and told his good Hostis, at his returne he would teach her something that should doe her no hurt; for (quoth he) at this instant I am going about a great Cure as farre as Warwick-shire to a Gentleman of great living, and one that hath beene in a Consumption this half yeare, and I hope to doe him good. O God (quoth the Hostis) there is a Gentleman not a quarter of a Mile off, that hath beene a long time sicke of the same disease: Beleeve me, Sir, (quoth the Hostis) would it please your Worship e're your departure in the morning, but to visit the Gentleman, and but spend your opinion of him, and I make no question but the Gentlewoman will bee very thankfull to you. I' faith (quoth George) happely at my returne I may, but at this time my haste is such that I cannot: and so good night, mine Hostis. So away went George to bed; and my giddy Hostis, right of the nature of most women, thought that night as long as tenne, till shee was delivered of that burthen of newes which she had received from my new Doctor: (for so hee termed himselfe). Morning being come, at breake of the day, mine Hostis trudges to this Gentlemans house, acquainteth his wife what an excellent man she had at her house: protesting he was the best seene in Physicke, and had done the most strangest cures that ever she heard of; saying that if shee would but send for him, no question he would doe him good. The Gentlewoman glad to heare of any thing that might procure the health of her Husband, [pg 297] presently sent one of her men, to desire the Doctor to come and visit her Husband. Which message when George heard, hee wondred; for hee had no more skill in Physicke than in Musicke, and they were as distant both from him, as heaven from hell. But, to conclude, George set a bold face on it, and away he went to the sicke Gentleman; where, when hee came, after some complement to the Gentlewoman, hee was brought to the Chamber, where the ancient Gentleman lay wonderfull sicke: for all Physicke had given him over: George beginnes to feele his Pulses and his temples, saying, hee was very farre spent; yet, quoth hee, under God I will doe him some good, if Nature bee not quite extinct. Whereupon hee demanded whether they had ever a Garden? That I have, quoth the Gentlewoman. I pray you direct me thither, quoth George. Where, when hee came, hee cut a handfull of every Flowre, Herbe and Blossome, or whatsoever else in the Garden, and brought them in the lapid181 of his Cloake, boyled them in Ale, strained them, boyled them againe, and when he had all the juyce out of them, of which he made some pottle182 of drinke, he caused the sicke Gentleman to drinke off a maudlin183 Cup full, and willed his wife to give him of that same at morninge, noone, and night: protesting, if any thing in this world did him good, it must bee that: giving great charge to the Gentlewoman to keepe him wonderfull warme: and at my returne, quoth George, some tenne dayes hence, I will returne and see how hee fares: For, quoth he, by that time something will be done; and so I will take my leave. Not so, quoth the Gentlewoman, your Worshippe must needes stay and take a simple dinner with mee to day. Indeede, quoth George, I cannot now stay, my haste is such, I must presently to Horse. You may suppose George was in haste untill he was out of the Gentleman's house: for hee knew not whether he had poysoned the Gentleman or not, which made him so eager to bee gone out of the Gentleman's house. The Gentlewoman seeing shee could by no meanes stay him, gave him two brace of Angels, which never shined long in his purse, and desired him at his returne to know her house: which George promised, and with seeming nicenesse [pg 298] took the gold, and towards Oxford went he, fortie shillings heavier than he was, where hee bravely domineered while his Physicall money lasted. But to see the strangenesse of this: Whether it was the vertue of some herbe which hee gathered, or the conceit the Gentleman had of George Peele, but it so pleased God the Gentleman recovered, and in eight dayes walked abroad; and that fortunate potion which George made at randome, did him more good than many pounds that he had spent in halfe a yeere before in Physicke. George his money being spent, he made his returne towards London; and when he came within a mile of the Gentlemans house, hee enquired of a Countrey fellow how such a Gentleman did. The Fellow told him, God be praised, his good Landlord was well recovered by a vertuous Gentleman that came this way by chance. Art thou sure of it? quoth George. Yes, beleeve me, quoth the fellow, I saw him in the Fields but this morning. This was no simple newes to George. He presently set spurres to his Horse, and whereas hee thought to shunne the Towne, hee went directly to his Inne: at whose arrivall, the Hostis clapt her hands, the Oastler laught, the Tapster leapt, the Chamberlaine ran to the Gentlemans house, and told him the Doctor was come. How joyfull the Gentleman was, let them imagine that have any after-healths. George Peele was sent for, and after a Million of thankes from the Gentleman and his friends, George Peele had 20 pounds delivered him: which money, how long it was a spending, let the Tavernes in London witnesse.
[93.] George (Peele) once had the good fortune of being well-equipped with both a horse and money, even though he rented the horse and borrowed the cash. But that didn’t matter much; he rode towards Oxford to have a good time with his friends and fellow students. On his way, he stopped at Wickham, where he spent the night. While having dinner with his hostess, they chatted about surgery, a topic my hostess claimed to know a little about. George Peele, picking up on my hostess's enthusiasm, supported her in all the odd treatments she mentioned and praised her efforts, saying he appreciated her even more since he himself was acquainted with both medicine and surgery. George had a dictionary of medical terms that he thought would make his knowledge sound more impressive. He told his good hostess that upon his return, he would teach her something that wouldn’t harm her; for, he said, at that moment he was on his way to treat a gentleman with significant wealth who had been suffering from a cough for the past six months, and he hoped to help him. "Oh, dear,” my hostess exclaimed, “there’s a gentleman not a quarter mile away who has been sick with the same illness for a long time. Believe me, sir," she continued, "if you could visit him before you leave in the morning and share your thoughts, I’m sure the lady would be very grateful.” “I might be able to do that on my return,” George replied, “but right now I’m in too much of a hurry.” And with that, he said goodnight to his hostess. He went to bed, while my flustered hostess, like many women, found the night felt endless until she could share the news she received from my new doctor (as he called himself). Morning came, and at daybreak, my hostess hurried over to the gentleman's house, telling his wife what a remarkable man she had hosted, insisting he was incredibly knowledgeable in medicine and had performed the strangest cures she had ever heard of. She suggested that if the lady would only send for him, there was no doubt he would help her husband. The lady, eager for any possibility to improve her husband's health, immediately sent one of her servants to ask the doctor to come and see him. When George received the message, he was surprised since he had no more knowledge of medicine than he had of music; the two were as far removed from him as heaven is from hell. But in the end, George put on a brave face and went to visit the sick gentleman. After some pleasantries with the lady, he was taken to the room where the elderly gentleman lay very ill; all medical efforts had given up on him. George started checking his pulse and temples, declaring he was in a very bad state; yet, he said, with God's help, he would do what he could, as long as nature wasn't completely gone. He then asked if they had a garden. “Yes, we do,” replied the lady. “Please show me the way,” George asked. Once there, he picked a handful of every flower, herb, blossom, or anything else from the garden, scooped them into the lap of his cloak, boiled them in ale, strained them, boiled them again, and after extracting every bit of juice, he made a few pints of drink. He had the sick gentleman drink a generous cup of it, instructing his wife to give him the same concoction morning, noon, and night, stating emphatically that if anything in this world would help him, it would be this. He instructed the lady to keep him very warm, adding, “When I return, in about ten days, I'll check on how he's doing. By then, something should have changed." "Oh no," the lady insisted, "you must stay and have a simple meal with me today." "Honestly," George replied, "I can't stay now; I'm in too much of a rush and need to get on my horse." You can imagine George was in such a hurry until he was out of the gentleman's house; after all, he had no idea if he had poisoned the gentleman, which made him eager to leave. The lady, seeing she couldn't get him to stay, gave him two pairs of gold coins, which didn’t stay in his pocket for long, and asked him to visit her home when he returned. George promised and, with pretended graciousness, accepted the gold before heading towards Oxford, now carrying forty shillings more than he had before, where he lived lavishly until his medical money ran out. But the bizarre part of this story is whether it was the magic of the herbs he gathered or the gentleman's belief in George Peele; it pleased God that the gentleman recovered and was walking about within eight days. That fortunate potion George made on a whim did him more good than the many pounds he had spent on medicine over the previous half year. After spending his money, George began his return to London. When he was about a mile from the gentleman's house, he asked a local how the gentleman was doing. The man told him that, thank God, his good landlord had recovered, thanks to a virtuous gentleman who had happened by. “Are you sure?” George asked. “Yes, believe me,” replied the fellow, “I saw him out in the fields just this morning.” This wasn’t simple news for George, who then spurred his horse and, instead of avoiding the town, headed straight to his inn. Upon his arrival, the hostess clapped her hands, the stableman laughed, the tapster jumped for joy, and the chamberlain rushed to the gentleman's house to inform him that the doctor had arrived. Imagine the joy of the gentleman; those who have enjoyed recovery can understand. George Peele was called upon, and after a million thanks from the gentleman and his friends, George Peele was handed 20 pounds in gratitude. How long that money lasted, let the taverns in London bear witness.
181 Lappet.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Lappet.
182 A measure of two quarts.
Two quarts.
183 Query, middling-sized.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Query, average-sized.
[14.]A Man of Wales between St David's day and Easter,
[14.]A Man of Wales between St David's day and Easter,
Was on's host score for cheese great store, a tester.
Was the host's score for cheese highly rated? A test.
His host did chalk it up behind the doore,
His host wrote it in chalk behind the door,
And said, For cheese, good Sir, come pay your score.
And said, For cheese, good Sir, come settle your bill.
I wonder then, quoth he, what meaneth these?
I wonder then, he said, what do these mean?
Dost think her Country knows not chalk from Cheese?
Doesn't her country know the difference between chalk and cheese?
THE
Merry Gossip's Justification,
To the Value of Good Advice Declaration.
Some Women can drink, and be drunk night and day,
Some women can drink and be drunk day and night,
For all the fault is laid most on the Men, they do say,
For all the blame is placed mostly on the Men, they say,
For if a Man do intend for to thrive,
For if a man intends to succeed,
Then he must be sure to ask leave of his Wife.
Then he must make sure to ask his wife for permission.
To the Tune of Digbies Farewel.
To the Tune of *Digbies Farewel*.
that met at an Alehouse, and there they did club,
that met at a bar, and there they did gather,
They called for the short Pot, and likewise for the long,
They called for the short pot, and also for the long one,
come Tapster, be quick, for we soon must begon.
come Tapster, be quick, because we have to leave soon.
They cupt it about, and they made such great hast,
They rushed around and made such a big hurry,
till their nose and their face were all of a blaze.
till their nose and face were all fiery.
A Man he may work all the days of his life,
A man can work all his life,
but he must ask his Wife's leave if he intends for to thrive.
but he needs to ask his wife's permission if he wants to succeed.
What is't for a Man to marry a Wife,
What does it mean for a man to marry a wife,
if she proves a drunkard, hee'l be weary of his Life,
if she proves to be a drunkard, he'll be tired of his life,
As there is in London and England all or'e
As there is in London and England all around
they'l take it so sweetly till they lye on the floor.
they'll take it so sweetly until they lie on the floor.
When a knot of merry Gossips are gotten together,
When a group of cheerful friends gets together,
they then take no care for fare or foul weather.
they then don’t worry about good or bad weather.
There's many a Husband takes pains and do's thrive,
Many husbands work hard and succeed,
but he must ask his Wife's leave if he intend for to thrive.
but he must ask his wife's permission if he wants to succeed.
When the Ale and the Brandy doth work in their head,
When the ale and the brandy start to kick in,
they care not a pin how their Children are fed,
they don’t care at all about how their kids are fed,
Then one saies here Sister i'le drink unto thee
Then one says, "Here, sister, I’ll drink to you."
our Husbands are bound to maintain us truly.
Our husbands are obligated to support us genuinely.
I have a shilling saies one, I have two saies another,
I have a shilling, says one; I have two, says another.
we will let it fly now we are together.
we will let it fly now that we're together.
And thus you may see although a Man strive
And so you can see that even if a man tries
he must ask his Wifes leave if he intend for to thrive.
he must ask his wife's permission if he wants to succeed.
When their Bellies are full they are bound to give o're,
When their bellies are full, they're sure to give up.
they have drunken so much they can drink no more,
they have drunk so much they can't drink anymore,
Then they'l hast to go home when they hardly can stand,
Then they'll have to go home when they can barely stand,
you laugh for to see them then go hand in hand.
you laugh to see them then go hand in hand.
A Man he is mad that hath got such a Wife,
A man is crazy to have such a wife,
he may work and may toyl all the days of his Life.
he can work and can struggle all the days of his life.
There's many a Husband &c
There are many husbands, etc.
They tottor and wattor and fall in the Dirt,
They totter and wobble and fall in the dirt,
then the Boys they will shout, and them will make sport,
then the boys will shout, and they will make fun,
Sometimes they cry a Hare and sometimes cry a ——
Sometimes they cry a Hare and sometimes cry a ——
to see them so drunk then they cry out the more;
to see them so drunk that they cry out even more;
Its a inconvenience for a Woman (to) do so
It's an inconvenience for a woman to do so.
to take so much drink that she can hardly go.
to drink so much that she can barely walk.
There's many a Husband &c—
There are many husbands, etc.
There is some that is known that will drink all the day,
There are some who will drink all day,
& within night come home drunk, & not a word they can say,
& and come home drunk at night, & not a word they can say,
I'le promise you true there so heavy i' th' head,
I promise you it's really heavy in my head,
they lye on the Stairs and they cannot go (to) Bed:
they lie on the stairs and they can't go to bed:
It needs now must be a great shame unto those,
It must now be a huge disappointment to those,
for a Woman so drunk she cannot put of her Cloaths.
for a woman so drunk she cannot take off her clothes.
There's many a Husband &c
There are many husbands & etc.
Some Women will set there Husband o' th' Skore,
Some women will hold their husbands accountable.
more than they are able to pay to be sure,
more than they can afford to be sure,
When they are absent and taking of Pains,
When they're not around and putting in effort,
thus they lye at the Alehouse, and consume all their gains;
thus they lie at the bar, and waste all their earnings;
Which makes many a Man to fret all his life,
Which makes many men worry their whole lives,
because he is so tide to such a careless Wife.
because he is so tied to such a careless wife.
There's many a Husband &c
There's many a husband, etc.
But for civil good Women I have nothing to say,
But for the sake of decent women, I have nothing to say,
they deserve a great praise though all these go astray,
they deserve great praise even though all this goes astray,
They are a great shame to the rest of their Sex,
They are a great embarrassment to the rest of their gender,
and many a good Woman to see them is vext:
and many good women are upset to see them:
For a Woman to bring herself in such a Snare,
For a woman to get herself caught in such a trap,
and of Husband and Children have no better care.
and of husband and children have no better care.
There's many a Husband &c
There are many husbands, etc.
It is good for a Woman (to) live in a good way,
It’s good for a woman to live well,
& keep at home with her Family, that nothing goes astray,
& keep at home with her family, so that nothing goes amiss,
Then her Husband will love her the better sure,
Then her husband will love her even more, for sure.
and let her want nothing that he can procure:
and let her desire for nothing that he can provide:
For a Woman that's given to wast and consume,
For a woman who tends to waste and consume,
makes many a honest man be not for home.
makes many a honest man not want to go home.
There's many a Husband &c
There's many a husband c
What is't for a Woman to drink and to swill,
What is it for a woman to drink and to gulp,
and never be satisfied till her Belly be full,
and never be satisfied until her belly is full,
And then there, one husband they straight will abuse,
And then there, one husband they will treat badly,
with all the base names that they ever can use:
with all the basic names they could ever use:
And then, if her Husband but strike her a blow,
And then, if her husband just hits her,
she ready crys Murther, all this we may know.
she's ready to scream Murder, all this we can know.
There's many a Husband &c
There are many husbands, etc.
And now all good Women that heareth this Song,
And now all good women who hear this song,
I pray you forgive me if I have done you any wrong,
I hope you can forgive me if I’ve done anything wrong to you,
I will not condemn all for half a Skore,
I won't judge everyone for just a half dozen.
I dare say in our Parish, wee have a great many more:
I would say in our parish, we have a lot more:
Besides other places; God send them to mend,
Besides other places, God sent them to heal,
and then I do hope they take me for their friend.
and then I really hope they consider me their friend.
There's many a Husband &c
There are many husbands, etc.
And now to conclude, there is no more to be said,
And now to wrap things up, there’s nothing more to say,
I wish that this Song it often be read
I hope this song is read often.
Amongst the good Women that love for to club,
Among the good women who love to hang out,
and spendeth their money in Brandy and Bub:
and spends their money on brandy and beer:
And then you shall see what brave days they will spend,
And then you'll see how adventurous their days will be,
your Housekeeping will be better at every Day's end.
your Housekeeping will improve by the end of each day.
There's many a Husband &c
There are many husbands, etc.
Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner.
Printed for P. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye Corner.
184 Drink.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Drink.
[52.] A Gentleman of Franckford in Germany, had borowed of a Jew (of the same town) a thousand Duckets,185 and missing his day of payment, he sought from time to time to absent himself from his Creditor. Not long after, the Jew espied him going into a Barbers shop, and ran presently and fetcht a couple of Sergeants to arrest the debter, now at the Barbers a trimming. Which done the Jew came and found the Gentleman halfe shaved, and demanded whether hee would instantly discharge his debt, or accept the arrest. The Gentleman being driven to a non plus, caught sudden hold of his sword and asked the Jew if hee would not attend till his beard was all shaved? The Jew answered, Yea, with all his heart. Why then, (quoth the Gentleman) Barber and Serjeants beare witnesse what the Jew hath promised. Contented (quoth the Jew.) Well, Barber, then I will not have my beard shaven this twelve moneth. The Jew began to stamp, curse, and ban, and finally procured the Sergeants to carry him before a Governor, who, well considering the matter, dismissed both the gentleman and the Jew, as both free men, without farther challenge of debt, untill the Gentlemans beard was all shaven, which till his dying day he never suffered. And the Jew lost his money.
[52.] A gentleman from Frankfurt, Germany, borrowed a thousand ducats from a Jewish man in the same town, and after missing his repayment date, he tried to avoid his creditor. Not long after, the Jew saw him entering a barber shop and quickly went to get a couple of bailiffs to arrest the debtor, who was currently getting a shave. When the Jew arrived, he found the gentleman half-shaved and demanded whether he would pay his debt immediately or accept the arrest. The gentleman, caught off guard, suddenly grabbed his sword and asked the Jew if he would wait until he was fully shaved. The Jew replied that he would, with all his heart. “Then,” said the gentleman, “Barber and bailiffs, witness what the Jew has promised.” “Agreed,” replied the Jew. “Well, Barber, then I will not have my beard shaved for this whole year.” The Jew began to stomp, curse, and create a scene, eventually getting the bailiffs to take him before a governor. The governor, after considering the situation, dismissed both the gentleman and the Jew as free men, with no further demands for payment, until the gentleman's beard was completely shaved, which he never allowed for the rest of his life. And the Jew lost his money.
185 A coin struck by dukes: a ducat was worth in silver about 4s. 6d., in gold about 9s. 6d.
185 A coin created by dukes: a ducat was worth around 4 shillings and 6 pence in silver, and about 9 shillings and 6 pence in gold.
[17.] A new Mayors Wife of a Town in the West, came to Church the first Sunday after her husband was chosen; and just as she came into the Church, the people began to stand up at the Creed; which the poor heart mistook, and took it [pg 303] to be an honour done purposely to her; An't please God, says she, I'll requite you all before my Husband goes out of his Office.
[17.] A new mayor's wife from a town in the West attended church the first Sunday after her husband was elected. Just as she entered the church, the congregation began to stand for the Creed, which the naive woman misunderstood as a special honor for her. “God willing,” she said, “I'll repay you all before my husband leaves his position.” [pg 303]
[4.] A certain King being sick, one pray'd that he might reign as long as the Sun and Moon should endure, and the Prince his Son after him.
[4.] A certain King was ill, and someone prayed that he could rule for as long as the Sun and Moon lasted, with his son, the Prince, taking over after him.
[4.] Some Scholars having a spight against their Master, because of his Harshness to them, resolved to play him some trick; so knowing him to be a very Curious neat Man, they daubed the Railes of the Stairs with some Tar. Now the Master coming down in the Dark, laid his Hands in it, which set him into a terrible feu'd; so he call'd all his Schollars, and took them into strict Examination; but, suspecting one above the rest, he was very sharp upon him, urging him to confess it, telling him he did it. The Boy utterly denied it; but the Master was the more pressing upon him. Indeed, said the Lad, with all the Asseverations imaginable, I did it not, but if you please, I'll tell you who had a hand in it: Hereupon the Master thought to have found out the Truth, and so very eagerly asked him who? Your Worship, Sir, says he: Whereupon he was dismissed, with the applause of all his Fellows, for his Ingenuity.
[4.] Some students, upset with their teacher for being harsh, decided to play a prank on him. Knowing he was a neat freak, they smeared the handrails of the stairs with tar. When the teacher came down in the dark, he got his hands covered in it, which made him furious. He called all of his students together for a strict interrogation. Suspecting one student more than the others, he focused on him, pressuring him to confess, claiming he was the culprit. The boy firmly denied it, but the teacher persisted. "Honestly," said the boy with all the certainty he could muster, "I didn’t do it, but I could tell you who did." The teacher, eager to uncover the truth, asked, "Who?" The boy replied, "You, sir!" He was then let go, earning praise from his peers for his cleverness.
[26.] In a discourse at Table, wherein they chiefly treated of strange things, and one among them said, that he had a piece of the Hawthorn Tree in a Box, which always bloom'd on Christmass day for many years together, and at last was robb'd of it by some of the Parliament Forces, and could never get it again. Why, says one, how could it live and bloom as you say without some earth, or the Sun's influence? Why, says he, d'ye think if it have that vertue to bloom on Christmass-day, that it had not the vertue also to bloom without the help of the Sun or earth? and so let out some Oaths to confirm it.
[26.] In a conversation at the table, where they mostly talked about unusual things, one of them mentioned that he had a piece of the Hawthorn Tree in a box that always bloomed on Christmas Day for many years. Eventually, it was stolen by some of the Parliament Forces, and he could never get it back. One person asked, "How could it live and bloom like you say without any soil or sunlight?" He responded, "Do you really think that if it has the power to bloom on Christmas Day, it wouldn't also have the ability to bloom without the sun or soil?" And he slipped in some swears to back it up.
But another being by, to fit him in his Story; and to make it appear to be truth (as you know it was) began to confirm what t'other had said, with some Oaths too. For, says he, I [pg 304] my self have seen that Haw thorn Tree bloom a hundred Christmas-day, and if I were to say a Hundred more, I should not lie; and I went once thither, when they were come to the Berries, which were red, large and hard; and so took some of them, and button'd me a Suit and Coat with it, as the fashion is now (for you know our fashion in England for Cloaths never alters) and when I and some others were at Church together upon Christmass day in the morning, little thinking of it, about Ten of the Clock precisely (he swore) that the branches sprung out so fast and so thick, that he was covered all over with them; insomuch that he lookt as if he had been in a Wood, and so heavy they were upon him, that he could not stir till one went out of the Church and fetcht an Axe, and cut away all the Boughs, that he might see his way out; and when they had done, he went home in this posture to his lodging; and swore also, that there was as much Wood cut off, as serv'd him all that Winter for fewel to his Chamber; but however, says he, I had rather be at the charge of the Wood than to be served so agen. But Gentlemen I tell you this to confirm what that worthy Gentleman told you before: whereas you were in doubt for a great while whether it was truth or no: but I hope there's no doubt now: and so swore it agen.
But another person stepped in to back up his story and make it seem true (as you know it was) by confirming what the other had said, even adding some oaths. He said, "I myself have seen that Hawthorn Tree bloom a hundred Christmases, and if I were to say a hundred more, I wouldn’t be lying; and I once went there when the berries had come in, which were red, large, and hard; so I took some of them and made myself a suit and coat out of it, as is the fashion now (because you know our clothing fashion in England never changes). And when I, along with some others, were at church together on Christmas morning, not thinking much of it, at exactly ten o'clock (he swore) the branches shot out so fast and thick that I was covered all over with them; so much so that I looked like I had been in a forest, and they were so heavy on me that I couldn't move until someone went outside and fetched an axe to cut away all the branches so I could see my way out; and when they had finished, I went home in this state to my lodging; and I swore that there was enough wood cut off to keep me warm all winter in my room; but still, I said, I’d rather deal with the cost of the wood than go through that again. But gentlemen, I share this to confirm what that honorable gentleman told you earlier: while you were unsure for a long time whether it was true or not, I hope there’s no doubt now; and so he swore it again.
[78.] One demanded of a wild yong Gentleman the reason why he would sel his land? who answered because he hoped to go to heven, which he could not possibly do til he forsook earth.
[78.] One asked a wild young gentleman why he was selling his land. He answered that he hoped to go to heaven, which he couldn’t do until he let go of earthly things.
[91.]Learning hath fed me, yet I know no letter,
[91.]Learning has nourished me, yet I don't know how to read or write,
I have liv'd among books, yet am never the better:
I have lived among books, yet I am never better off:
I have eaten up the Muses, yet I know not a verse,
I’ve consumed the Muses, yet I don’t know a single line.
What student is this, I pray you rehearse?
What student is this? Please tell me.
Resolution, A Worme bred in a booke.
Resolution, A worm raised in a book.
[18.] A Preacher, whose Sermons no body cared to hear, intreated a Friend of his to come to hear him. But he begged his Excuse, saying, that he was loth to disturb him in his Solitude. Another who had not the luck to please his [pg 305] Auditors; He did better last Year, said one. How can that be? said another, for he did not preach at all. In that very Thing he did better, reply'd the first.
[18.] A preacher whose sermons nobody wanted to listen to asked a friend to come and hear him. But the friend declined, saying he didn't want to interrupt his solitude. Another preacher, who also failed to impress his audience, had someone comment, "He did better last year." The other person asked, "How can that be? He didn’t preach at all." The first replied, "In that very thing, he did better." [pg 305]
[17.] One told a Bakers Son, that his Father was a Knave: Truly, says he, Though I say it, that should not say it, my Father is as honest a man as ever lived by bread.
[17.] Someone told a baker's son that his father was a con artist. He replied, Even if I say it, that shouldn’t mean it’s true, my father is as honest a man as anyone who’s ever lived off bread.
the complaint of M. Tenter-hooke the Proiector, and Sir Thomas Dodger the Patentee.186
"I have brought money to fill your Chest
"I've brought money to fill your chest."
For which I am curst by most and least."
For which I am cursed by everyone and no one.
"Ov'r many yeare a scraping is left at a clap,
"Ov'r many year a scraping is left at a clap,"
All thou hast gotten by others mishap."
All you have gained is from someone else's misfortune.
If any aske, what things these Monsters be,
If anyone asks what these monsters are,
Tis a Projector and a Patentee:
It's a Projector and a Patentee:
Such, as like Vermine o're this Land did crawle,
Such as the vermin that crawled over this land,
And grew so rich, they gaind the Devill and all.
And became so rich, they gained the Devil and everything.
186 "On a broadside, entitled as above, is a woodcut, which represents a 'Projector' who has a pig's (? fox's) face, a fox's ears, screws for legs, and fish hooks for fingers, bears a measure of coal, and a barrel of wine on his legs respectively, tobacco pipes, dice, roll tobacco, playing cards, and a bundle of hay slung to his body, papers of pins on his right arm, and a measure for spirits on his left arm, a barrel (? for soap or butter) and a dredger, (? for starch) on the skirts of his coat.
186 "On a poster with the above title, there's a woodcut showing a 'Projector' with a pig's (? fox's) face, fox's ears, screw legs, and fishhook fingers. He carries a measure of coal and a barrel of wine on his legs; he has tobacco pipes, dice, rolling tobacco, playing cards, and a bundle of hay tied to his body. There's also a packet of pins on his right arm and a measure for spirits on his left arm, along with a barrel (? for soap or butter) and a dredger (? for starch) hanging from his coat tails."
"The introduction of screws here may be illustrated by the speech of Alderman Chambers, who was prosecuted in the Star Chamber for saying that merchants were more screwed up and wronged in England than in Turkey; he was fined £2000."—Catalogue of Prints and Drawings in the British Museum, No. 263.
"The introduction of screws here can be shown by the statement made by Alderman Chambers, who was prosecuted in the Star Chamber for claiming that merchants were treated worse and wronged in England than in Turkey; he was fined £2000."—Catalogue of Prints and Drawings in the British Museum, No. 263.
The Bug-beare and the Scarcrow of this Nation
The Bugbear and the Scarecrow of this Nation
Th' admired mighty Mountee banke of Fame,
The admired mighty Mountee banke of Fame,
The Juggling Hocus Pocus of good name,
The Juggling Hocus Pocus of a good name,
The Bull-begger, who did affright and feare,
The Bull-begger, who caused fright and fear,
And rake, and pull, teare, pill, pole, shave, and sheare,
And rake, pull, tear, strip, poke, shave, and shear,
Now Time hath pluck'd the Vizard from my face,
Now time has pulled the mask from my face,
I am the onely Image of disgrace.
I am the only image of disgrace.
My ugly shape I hid so cunningly
My awkward shape I hid so cleverly
(Close cover'd with the cloake of honesty)
(Close covered with the cloak of honesty)
That from the East to West from South to North,
That from the East to West, from South to North,
I was a man esteem'd of ex'lent worth.
I was a man respected for my great value.
And (Sweet Sir Thomas Dodger) for your sake,
And (Sweet Sir Thomas Dodger) for you,
My studious time I spent, my sleepes I brake,
My time spent studying, my sleep I broke,
My braines I tost with many a strange vagary,
My mind I tossed with many strange thoughts,
And (like a Spaniell) did both fetch and carry,
And (like a Spaniel) did both fetch and carry,
To you, such Projects, as I could invent,
To you, those Projects that I could come up with,
Not thinking there would come a Parliament.
Not expecting that a Parliament would come.
I was the great Projector, and from me,
I was the great Projector, and from me,
Your Worship learn'd to be a Patentee,
Your Honor learned to be a Patentee,
I had the Art to cheat the Common-weale,
I had the skill to exploit the common good,
And you had tricks and slights to passe the Seale.
And you had tricks and techniques to get past the seal.
I tooke the paines, I travell'd, search'd, and sought
I took the time, I traveled, searched, and looked.
Which, (by your power) were into Patents wrought.
Which, by your power, were turned into patents.
What was I but your journey man, I pray,
What was I but your traveler, I ask,
To bring youre worke to you, both night and day:
To bring your work to you, both night and day:
I found Stuffe, and you brought it so about
I found Stuff, and you made it happen.
You (like a skilfull Taylor) cut it out,
You (like a skilled Taylor) cut it out,
And fashion'd it, but now (to our displeasure)
And shaped it, but now (to our disappointment)
You fail'd exceedingly in taking measure.
You really messed up in measuring.
My legs were Screws, to raise thee high or low,
My legs were like screws, to lift you up or down,
According as your power did Ebbe or Flow:
According to your power did Ebbe or Flow:
And at your will I was Screwd up too high
And at your will, I was messed up too much.
That tott'ring, I have broke my necke thereby.
That stumbling, I have broken my neck because of it.
For you, I made my Fingers fish-hookes still
For you, I made my Fingers fish-hookes still
To catch at all Trades, either good or ill,
To engage in any Trades, whether good or bad,
I car'd not much who lost, so we might get,
I didn't care much who lost, as long as we could win,
For all was Fish that came into the Net.
For everything that came into the Net was Fish.
For you, (as in my Picture plaine appeares)
For you, (as shown in my picture clearly appears)
I put a Swines face on, an Asses eares,
I put on a pig's face and donkey ears,
The one to listen unto all I heard
The one who listened to everything I heard
Wherein your Worships profit was prefer'd,
Where your Worships' profit was prioritized,
The other to tast all things, good or bad.
The other to taste everything, good or bad.
(As Hogs will doe) where profit may be had.
(As Hogs will do) where profit can be found.
Soape, Starch, Tobacco, Pipes, Pins, Butter, Haye,
Soaps, starch, tobacco, pipes, pins, butter, hay
Wine, Coales, Cards, Dice, and all came in my way,
Wine, Coales, Cards, Dice, and everything else crossed my path,
I brought your worship, every day and houre,
I brought you, every day and hour,
And hope to be defended by your power.
And I hope to be protected by your strength.
Sir Thomas Dodgers Answer.
Alas good Tenter hooke, I tell thee plaine,
Alas good Tenter hooke, I’m telling you plainly,
To seeke for helpe of me tis but in vaine:
To seek my help is just in vain:
My Patent which I stood upon of late,
My recent Patent that I used,
Is like an Almanacke that's out of Date.
Is like an Almanacke that's outdated.
T'had force and vertue once, strange things to doe,
T'had strength and virtue once, odd things to do,
But now it wants both force and vertue too.
But now it wants both strength and virtue too.
This was the turne of whirling Fortune's wheele,
This was the turn of whirling Fortune's wheel,
When we least dream'd we should her changing feele.
When we least expected it, we felt her changing.
Then Time, and fortune, both with joynt consent
Then time and luck, both in agreement
Brought us to ruine by a Parliament:
Brought us to ruin by a Parliament:
I doe confesse thou broughtst me sweet conceits
I confess you brought me sweet ideas.
Which now I find were but alluring baits,
Which I now realize were just tempting traps,
And I, (too much an Asse) did lend mine eare,
And I, being too much of a fool, did lend my ear,
To credit all thou saydst, as well as heare.
To acknowledge everything you said, as well as listen.
Thou in the Project of the Soape didst toyle,
You toiled in the Project of the Soape,
But 'twas so slippery, and too full of oyle,
But it was so slippery and too full of oil,
That people wondred how we held it fast
That people wondered how we held it tightly.
But now it is quite slipp'd from us at last.
But now it has finally slipped away from us.
The Project for the Starch thy wit found out,
The Project for the Starch your wit discovered,
Twas stiffe a while, now limber as a Clout,
Twas stiff for a while, now flexible as a rag,
The Pagan weed (Tobacco) was our hope
The pagan weed (Tobacco) was our hope.
In Leafe, Pricke, Role, Ball, Pudding, Pipe, or Rope.
In Leafe, Pricke, Role, Ball, Pudding, Pipe, or Rope.
Brasseele, Varina, Meavis, Trinidado,
Brasseele, Varina, Meavis, Trinidado
Saint Christophers, Virginia, or Barvado;
Saint Christophers, Virginia, or Barvado;
Bermudas, Providentia, Shallowcongo,
Bermuda, Providence, Shallow Congo,
That Patent, with a whiffe is spent and broke,
That patent, with a brief puff, is used up and shattered,
And all our hopes (in fumo) turn'd to smoake.
And all our hopes turned to smoke.
Thou framdst the Butter Patent in thy braines,
Thou created the Butter Patent in your mind,
(A Rope and Butter take thee for thy paines.)
(A Rope and Butter take you for your efforts.)
I had forgot Tobacco Pipes, which are
I had forgotten Tobacco Pipes, which are
Now like to thou and I, but brittle ware.
Now like you and me, but fragile stuff.
Dice run against us, we at Cards are crost,
Dice are against us, we at Cards are stuck,
We both are turn'd up Noddies,188 and all's lost.
Thus from Sice-sinke,__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ we're sunk below Dewce-ace,190
And both of us are Impes of blacke disgrace.
And both of us are Imps of black disgrace.
Pins pricke us, and Wine frets our very hearts.
Pins poke us, and Wine annoys our hearts.
That we have rais'd the price of Pints and Quarts.
That we have raised the price of Pints and Quarts.
Thou (in mine eares) thy lyes and tales didst foyst.
You (in my ears) your lies and stories did push.
And madst me up the price of Sea-coales hoyst.
And raised the price of sea coal today.
Corne, Leather, Partrich, Pheasant, Rags, Gold twist,
Corne, Leather, Partrich, Pheasant, Rags, Gold twist
Thou brought'st all to my Mill, what was't we mist?
You brought everything to my Mill, what did we miss?
Weights, Bon lace,191 Mowstraps, new, new, Corporation,
Rattles, Seadans,192 of rare invented fashion,
Rattles, Seadans, __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ of rare invented fashion,
Silke, Tallow, Hobby-horses, Wood, red herring,
Silke, Tallow, Hobby-horses, Wood, red herring,
Law, Conscience, Justice, swearing, and For-swearing.
Law, Conscience, Justice, swearing, and For-swearing.
All these thou broughtst to me, and still I thought
All these you brought to me, and I still thought
That every thing was good that profit brought,
That everything that brought profit was good,
But now all's found to be ill gotten pelfe,
But now everything is revealed to be ill-gotten wealth,
I'le shift for one, doe thou shift for thyselfe.
I'll take care of myself, you take care of yourself.
FINIS.
FINIS.
John Taylor193
John Taylor __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__
London. Printed by E. P. for Francis Coles, dwelling in the Old Baily. 1641.
London. Printed by E. P. for Francis Coles, living in the Old Bailey. 1641.
187 Trashy tobacco—from the Spanish Mondóngo, paunch, tripes, black pudding.
187 Cheap tobacco—from the Spanish Mondóngo, stomach, intestines, blood sausage.
188 Fools; but there was also a game at cards called noddy, supposed to have been the same as cribbage.
188 Fools; but there was also a card game called noddy, which was thought to be similar to cribbage.
189 Corrupt French terms used for the numbers on dice—six-five.
189 Slang French terms for the numbers on dice—six-five.
190 Two-one.
2-1.
191 Bone-lace.
Bone lace.
192 Sedan chairs, which are said to have been introduced into England in 1581, and first used in London in 1623. Sir Sanders Duncombe obtained a patent, or privilege, for them in 1634.
192 Sedan chairs, which were introduced to England in 1581, were first used in London in 1623. Sir Sanders Duncombe received a patent for them in 1634.
193 The water poet.
The water poet.
[82.] A Mayor that was on hunting (by chance) one asked him how hee liked the Cry: a pox take the Dogs, saith he, they make such a bawling, that I cannot heare the Cry.
[82.] A Mayor who was out hunting (by chance) asked him how he liked the Cry: "Damn the Dogs," he said, "they make such a racket that I can't hear the Cry."
[82.] An old Justice was fast asleepe on the Bench when a poore Malefactor was judged to bee hanged; at which word the Justice suddenly awaked, and said to the Thiefe, My friend, I pray let this bee a warning to you, looke you doe so no more, for wee doe not show every man the like favour.
[82.] An old judge was fast asleep on the bench when a poor criminal was sentenced to be hanged; at the mention of this, the judge suddenly woke up and said to the thief, "My friend, I hope this serves as a warning to you. Make sure you don’t do this again, because we don’t extend the same mercy to everyone."
[94.] One seeing another wear a Threadbare Cloak, asked him whether his Cloak was not sleepy, or no? Why do you ask? said the other. Because, saith he, I think it hath not had a Nap this seven years.
[94.] One person saw another wearing a worn-out cloak and asked him if his cloak wasn't tired. "Why do you ask?" the other replied. "Because," he said, "I think it hasn't had a nap in seven years."
For much experience he hath lately got,
For much experience he has recently gained,
Proving more Physick in an alehouse can,
Proving more medicine in a bar can,
Than may be found in any Vintner's Pot;
Than may be found in any Vintner's Pot;
Beere he protests is sodden and refin'd,
Beere he complains is soaked and refined,
But this he speakes, being single penny lin'd,
But this he says, being single-minded,
For when his purse is swolne but sixpence bigge,
For when his wallet is full but only with sixpence,
Why then he sweares; now by the Lord I thinke
Why then he swears; now by the Lord I think
All Beere in Europe is not worth a figge:
All beer in Europe isn't worth a fig.
A cup of Claret is the onely drinke,
A cup of Claret is the only drink,
And thus his praise from Beere to Wine doth goe
And so his praise goes from Beer to Wine.
Even as his Purse in pence doth ebbe and flowe.
Even as his wallet in change does come and go.
[93.] George (Peele) was invited one night by certaine of his friends to supper, at the White Horse in Friday Street: and in the evening as he was going, hee met with an old friend of his, who was so ill at the stomacke, hearing George tell him of the good cheere he went to, himselfe being unprovided both of meate and money, that he swore he had rather have gone a mile about, than have met him at that instant. And beleeve me, quoth George, I am heartily sorry that I cannot take thee along with mee, myselfe being but an invited guest; besides, thou art out of Cloathes, unfitting for [pg 310] such a company. Mary, this I'le doe, if thou wilt follow my advice, I'le help thee to thy supper. Any way, quoth hee to George doe thou but devise the meanes, and I'le execute it. George presently told him what hee should doe; so they parted. George (was) well entertained, with extraordinary welcome, and seated at the upper end of the Table; Supper being brought up, H.M. watched his time below; and when he saw that the meate was carried up, up hee followes, (as George had directed him) who when George saw, You whorson Rascall (quoth George) what make you heere? Sir, quoth he, I am come from the partie you wot of. You Rogue, quoth George, have I not forewarned you of this? I pray you, Sir, quoth hee, heare my Errand. Doe you prate, you Slave? quoth George, and with that, tooke a Rabbet out of the Dish, and threw it at him. Quoth hee, you use me very hardly. You Dunghill, quoth George, doe you out face me? and with that took the other Rabbet, and threw it at his head; after that a Loafe; then drawing his dagger, making an offer to throw it, the Gentleman staid him: meane while HM. got the Loafe and the two Rabbets, and away he went: which when George saw he was gone, after a little fretting, he sate quietly. So by that honest shift, hee helped his friend to his supper, and was never suspected for it of the Company.
[93.] George (Peele) was invited one night by some friends to dinner at the White Horse in Friday Street. In the evening, as he was heading there, he ran into an old friend who looked really sick to his stomach. Hearing George talk about the great meal he was about to enjoy, his friend, who had neither food nor money, swore he would have preferred to walk a mile in the opposite direction than to bump into him at that moment. "I truly feel sorry I can’t take you with me," said George, "but I'm just an invited guest; besides, you’re not dressed properly for such company." "Well, here’s what I’ll do," he added, "if you take my advice, I’ll help you get your dinner." "Just tell me what to do," replied his friend, "and I’ll make it happen." George quickly explained what he should do, and they parted ways. George was well received, welcomed warmly, and seated at the head of the table. When dinner was served, his friend watched for the right moment, and when he noticed the food being brought in, he followed, just as George had told him to. When George saw him, he exclaimed, "You dirty rascal! What are you doing here?" "Sir," he replied, "I’ve come from the party you know about." "You fool," said George, "didn’t I warn you against this?" "Please, just hear my reason," his friend said. "Shut up, you slave!" shouted George, and with that, he grabbed a rabbit from the dish and threw it at him. "You treat me very poorly," his friend said. "You scoundrel," George replied, "do you think you can intimidate me?" Then he picked up another rabbit and threw it at his head, followed by a loaf of bread. Drawing his dagger, he pretended to throw it, but the gentleman stopped him. Meanwhile, his friend took the loaf and the two rabbits and made off with them. When George saw he had left, he calmed down after a moment of frustration and sat quietly. This clever move allowed him to help his friend get his dinner without being suspected by the others at the table.
[17.] Two Clerks belonging to one Church, and having both of them sate up most part of the night, were both asleep when Sermon was done: a man jogg'd one of them, and bid him sing a Psalm, for Sermon was done. Sing, All People, saies he: The other then awak'd, and hearing him say so said, Hang all people, sing me the hundred Psalm.
[17.] Two clerks from the same church, who had both stayed up most of the night, were asleep when the sermon ended. One of them nudged the other and told him to sing a psalm since the sermon was over. “Sing, All People,” he said. The other, waking up and hearing this, replied, “Forget all people, sing me the hundredth psalm.”
[4.] One boasting of his Credit, said, He knew a Scrivener that would lend him Fifty Pounds at any time, on his own Bond, without either Scrip or Scrowl.
[4.] One person bragging about his credit said he knew a notary who would lend him fifty pounds anytime, based on just his word, without any paperwork or documents.
[26.] One told a Story that a Miller had a Horse for many years together, whose name was Roan, and being tired with working all day, poor Jade, slept soundly at night; which a thievish fellow espying, flay'd off his Skin, whilest he slept, and [pg 311] went away with it: But Old Roan when he awak't (though 'twas a bitter cold night) yet, poor thing, he came home to the Mill door and neighed very loud, which the honest Miller, hearing, awak't his Wife, and askt her whether that was not the neighing of old Roan? Truly, Husband, says she, it is, let us rise and see what's the matter with him; and when they came out, they wondred to see him in such a pickle: Well Husband, says she, since 'tis as 'tis, I'd have you kill Five or Six of your Sheep (and tomorrow being Market Day, we can sell their Flesh there) and take all the Skins and clap 'em hot upon poor Roan; which he presently did, with his dear Wife's help, and clapt them hot upon the Horse's flay'd Back; which with the Cold night were presently froz'd on, and the Horse as well or rather better in health than ever he was in his life, and I am sure you'll say warmer: And this Horse, said he, they kept for many years after, and every year it brought him Thirty Tod194 of Wool: And I hope you will believe it; but if you dont believe it, I pray take notice, that I am not bound to find you stories and belief too. Then they all concluded it was true—lie so.
[26.] Someone shared a story about a miller who had a horse named Roan for many years. After a long day of work, poor Roan would sleep soundly at night. One night, a thief saw him asleep and skinned him while he rested, then took the skin and left. When old Roan woke up (despite it being a bitterly cold night), he returned home to the mill door and neighed loudly. The honest miller heard him and woke his wife, asking if that was old Roan neighing. "Indeed, husband," she replied. "Let's get up and see what’s wrong with him." When they stepped outside, they were surprised to find him in such a state. "Well, husband," she said, "since this is the situation, I suggest you kill five or six of your sheep (and since tomorrow is market day, we can sell their meat) and take all the skins and put them on poor Roan while they’re still warm." He quickly acted on his wife's advice, and with her help, he placed the warm skins on the horse's bare back. The cold night quickly froze the skins to him, and from that point on, the horse was just as healthy—if not healthier—than ever before, and certainly warmer. The miller kept this horse for many years after, and each year it produced thirty Tod of wool. I hope you believe this, but if you don't, just remember I’m not obligated to provide you with stories or proof either. In the end, everyone agreed it must be true—whether true or not. 194
[91.] What is that which produceth teares without sorrow, takes his journey to heaven, but dies by the way, is begot by another, yet that other is not begot without it? Resolution. Smoake.
[91.] What is it that produces tears without sadness, travels to heaven but dies along the way, is created by another, yet that other cannot be created without it? Resolution. Smoke.
[103.] A Clipper195 being Sentenc'd to Death, when he came to Tyburn, the Parson was very busie in preparing him for another World, amongst other things he told the Criminal, that it was no small Happiness to have had so much time to Repent, that he might have died suddenly, and by many Accidents, and so have been snatch'd away in a Moment, and gone Headlong down to Hell; but that now he was almost sure he shou'd go to Heaven, and lie in Abraham's Bosom; Say you so, Sir, says the poor Patient, 'tis very good News, but if you please you shall have my Place, for I had rather stay here a little longer.
[103.] A Clipper195 being sentenced to death, when he arrived at Tyburn, the parson was busy preparing him for the afterlife. Among other things, he told the criminal that it was a great blessing to have had so much time to repent, as he might have died suddenly and been taken away in an instant, heading straight to Hell. But now he was almost certain he would go to Heaven and be welcomed in Abraham's Bosom. "Is that so, Sir?" replied the poor man. "That's very good news, but if it's alright with you, I'd rather give you my place, because I'd like to stay here a little longer."
[17.] A Witch being at the stake to be burnt, she saw her Son there; and being very dry, desir'd him to give her some drink: No, Mother, says the Sweet conditioned Son, 'twill do you wrong, for the dryer you be, you'll burn all the better.
[17.] A witch was at the stake to be burned, and she saw her son there. Feeling very thirsty, she asked him for some drink. "No, Mom," said the sweet-natured son, "that wouldn't be good for you. The drier you are, the better you'll burn."
[4.] A foolish young Esquire, being newly come to his Estate (taking after the old Miser his Father, grew covetous.) He hearing his Steward say, he had killed him a Bullock against Christmas. What, said he, do you mean to undo me by such extravagant Expenses? I will have but half a one killed at a time.
[4.] A foolish young gentleman, having just inherited his estate (following in the footsteps of his miserly father, became greedy.) He heard his Steward mention that he had killed a bull for Christmas. “What do you mean by such extravagant expenses?” he said. “I only want half of one killed at a time.”
A Song in Praise of the Leather Bottel.196
Shewing how Glasses, and Pots are laid aside,
Shedding light on how glasses and pots are put aside,
And Flaggons and Noggins they cannot abide;
And they can't stand Flaggons and Noggins;
And let all Wives do what they can,
And let all wives do what they can,
'Tis for the Praise and Use of Man;
'Tis for the Praise and Use of Man;
And this you may very well be sure,
And you can be sure of this,
The Leather Bottel will longest endure;
The leather bottle will last the longest;
And I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell
And I hope his soul finds peace in Heaven.
That first devised the Leather Bottel
That was the first time the Leather Bottle was created.
To the Tune of The Bottle Maker's Delight, &c.
To the Tune of The Bottle Maker's Delight, &c.
The Heavens, the Earth, and all therein,
The Heavens, the Earth, and everything in it,
The Ships that on the Sea do Swim,
The ships that sail on the sea,
To keep Enemies out that none comes in;
To keep enemies out so that no one comes in;
And let them do all what they can,
And let them do everything they can,
'Tis for the Use and Praise of Man.
'It is for the Use and Praise of Man.'
And I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell
And I hope his soul finds peace in Heaven
That first devised the Leather Bottel.
That first created the leather bottle.
Then what do you say to these Cans of Wood?
Then what do you think about these Cans of Wood?
In faith they are, and can, not be good;
In faith, they are, and cannot be good;
For when a Man he doth them send
For when a man sends them
To be filled with Ale, as he doth intend;
To be filled with ale, as he plans;
The Bearer falleth down by the way.
The bearer falls down along the way.
And on the ground the Liquor doth lay;
And on the ground the liquor lies;
And then the Bearer begins to ban,
And then the Bearer starts to ban,
And swears it is long of the Wooden Can.
And swears it has been a long time since the Wooden Can.
But had it been the Leather Bottel,
But if it had been the Leather Bottle,
Although he had fallen, yet all had been well
Although he had fallen, everything had turned out fine.
Then I Wish &c.
Then I Wish &c.
Then what do you say to these Glasses fine?
Then what do you think of these glasses, good?
Yes, they shall have no Praise of mine;
Yes, they won't get any praise from me;
For when a Company they are set
For when a company is formed
For to be merry, as we are met;
For us to be happy, as we are gathered;
Then if you chance to touch the Brim,
Then if you happen to touch the Brim,
Down falls the Liquor and all therein,
Down falls the liquor and everything in it,
If your Table Cloath be never so fine,
If your tablecloth is never so fine,
There lies your Beer, Ale, or Wine:
There’s your beer, ale, or wine:
It may be for a small Abuse,
It might be for a minor issue,
A young Man may his Service lose;
A young man might lose his job;
But had it been a Leather Bottel,
But if it had been a leather bottle,
And the Stopple in, then all had been well.
And the stopper in, then everything would have been fine.
And I wish &c
And I wish, etc.
Then what do you say these black Pots three?
Then what do you call these three black pots?
True, they shall have no praise of me,
True, they won't get any praise from me,
For when a Man and his Wife falls at Strife,
For when a man and his wife are in conflict,
As many have done, I know, in their Life;
As many have done, I know, in their lives;
They lay their Hands on the Pot both,
They both put their hands on the pot,
And loth they are to lose their Broath;
And they are reluctant to lose their Broath;
The one doth tug, the other doth hill,
The one pulls, the other pushes,
Betwixt them both the Liquor doth spill;
Between them both, the liquid spills;
But they shall answer another Day,
But they will answer on another day,
For casting their liquor so vainly away;
For wasting their drink so carelessly;
But had it been in the Leather Bottel,
But if it had been in the Leather Bottle,
They might have tugg'd till their Hearts did ake,
They might have tugged until their hearts ached,
And yet their Liquor no harm could take;
And yet their drink couldn't do any harm;
They might have tugg'd till their Hearts did ake.
They might have pulled until their hearts ached.
Then I wish &c
Then I wish, etc.
Then what do you say to the Silver Flaggons fine?
Then what do you think about the Silver Flaggon’s fine?
True, they shall have no Praise of mine;
True, they won’t get any praise from me;
For when a Lord he doth them send
For when a Lord sends them
To be filled with Wine as he doth intend;
To be filled with wine as he plans;
The Man with the Flaggon he doth run away,
The man with the flask is running away,
Because it is Silver most gallant and gay:
Because it's Silver, the most daring and cheerful:
O then the Lord he begins to ban,
O then the Lord begins to curse,
And swears he hath lost both Flaggon and Man;
And swears he has lost both the Flaggon and the Man;
There's never a Lord's Serving-man or Groom,
There's never a Lord's servant or attendant,
But with his Leather Bottel may come;
But he might come with his leather bottle;
Then I wish &c
Then I wish, etc.
A Leather Bottel we know is good,
A leather bottle we know is good,
Far better than Glasses or Cans of Wood,
Far better than glasses or wooden cans,
For when a Man is at work in the Field,
For when a man is working in the field,
Your Glasses and Pots no Comfort will yield;
Your glasses and pots won’t provide any comfort;
Then a Leather Bottle standing him by,
Then a leather bottle standing by him,
He may drink always when he is a dry;
He can drink whenever he's thirsty;
It will revive the Spirits, and comfort the Brain,
It will lift the spirits and soothe the mind,
Wherefore let none this Bottle refrain;
Wherefore let no one avoid this Bottle;
For I wish &c
For I wish, etc.
Also the honest Sith-man197 too,
He knew not very well what to do,
He didn't really know what to do,
But for his Bottle standing him near,
But for his bottle standing close to him,
That is filled with good Household beer;
That is filled with good homebrew beer;
At Dinner he sits him down to eat,
At dinner, he sits down to eat,
With his good hard Cheese and Bread or Meat;
With his good, solid cheese and bread or meat;
Then this Bottle he takes up amain,
Then he grabs this bottle with all his strength,
And drinks, and sets him down again;
And drinks, then puts him down again;
Saying, Good Bottle, stand my Friend,
Saying, "Good Bottle, stay here, my friend,"
And hold out till this day doth end;
And wait until this day is over;
For I wish &c
For I wish, etc.
And likewise the Haymakers they,
And likewise the Haymakers do,
When as they are turning and making their Hay;
When they are turning and making their hay;
In Summer-weather, when as it is warm,
In summer weather, when it's warm,
A good Bottel full then will do them no harm;
A full bottle will do them no harm;
And at Noon time they sit them down,
And at noon, they sit down,
And drink in their Bottels of Ale Nut Brown;
And drink from their bottles of nut brown ale;
Then the Lads and the Lasses begin to tattle,
Then the guys and the girls start to gossip,
What should we do but for this Bottle?
What else can we do but with this bottle?
They could not work if this Bottle were done,
They wouldn’t be able to work if this Bottle was finished,
For the Day's so hot with heat of Sun.
For the day's so hot with the sun's heat.
Then I wish &c
Then I wish, etc.
Also the Leader, Lader, and the Pitcher,
Also the Leader, Lader, and the Pitcher,
The Reaper, Hedger and the Ditcher,
The Reaper, Hedger, and the Ditcher,
The Binder, and the Raker and all
The Binder, the Raker, and everyone else
About the Bottels ears do fall;
About the Bottels, ears do fall;
And if his Liquor be almost gone,
And if his drink is almost gone,
His Bottel will he part with to none,
His bottle, he will share with no one,
But says, my Bottel is but small
But he says, my bottle is just small
One Drop I will not part withal:
One drop I won't part with.
You must go drink at some Spring or Well,
You need to go drink at a spring or well,
For I will keep my Leather Bottel.
For I will keep my leather bottle.
Then I wish &c
Then I wish, etc.
Thus you may hear of a Leather Bottel,
Thus you may hear of a leather bottle,
When as it is filled with Liquor full well,
When it is filled with liquor completely,
Though the Substance of it be but small,
Though the substance of it is small,
Yet the Name of the thing is all.
Yet the name of the thing is everything.
There's never a Lord, an Earl or Knight,
There's never a Lord, an Earl, or Knight,
But in a Bottel doth take Delight:
But in a bottle does find joy:
For when he is hunting of the Deer,
For when he is hunting deer,
He often doth wish for a Bottel of Beer:
He often wishes for a bottle of beer:
Likewise the Man that works at the Wood,
Likewise, the man who works in the woods,
A Bottel of Beer doth oft do him good
A bottle of beer often does him good.
Then I wish &c
Then I wish, etc.
Then when this Bottel doth grow old,
Then when this bottle gets old,
And will good Liquor no longer hold,
And will good liquor no longer last,
Out of the Side you may take a Clout,
Out of the Side you may take a Clout,
Will mend your Shooes when they'r worn out;
Will fix your shoes when they're worn out;
Else take it and hang it upon a Pin,
Else take it and hang it on a pin,
It will serve to put many odd Trifles in,
It will be useful for storing many random items,
As Hinges, Awls, and Candle-ends,
As Hinges, Awls, and Candle Ends,
For young Beginners must have such things;
For young beginners need to have these things;
Then I wish in Heaven his Soul may dwell,
Then I hope his soul finds peace in Heaven,
That first devised the Leather Bottel.
That first created the Leather Bottle.
London: Printed by and for W. O. and sold by the Booksellers of Pye Corner, and London Bridge.
London: Printed by and for W. O. and sold by the booksellers of Pye Corner and London Bridge.
197 Mower.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Mower.
[105.] When Scogin had broght to Oxford such things as he had in London, hee lacked furres for his gownes, and Miniver furres for his hood. Whereupon hee went to an Alderman in Oxford, which was a Skinner, and said unto him, It is so that I must proceed Master of Arts, at the next Act, and I have bestowed my money at London, and now I have need of furres (as you know) wherefore if I shall have of you as much as shall serve me, I will content you with thankes. Then said the Alderman, make your gownes and your hood, and send them to me, and they shall be furred as other Masters be. Then said Scogin, you shall have them within these two days, and then I pray you make me a bill what I shall pay for every thing. It shall be done, said the Alderman. When as the gownes and hood were furred, he went to fetch them home, and said to the Alderman, I pray you let me see my charge: the bill was brought forth, and the sum did rise to sixe pound and odde money. The Alderman said, When shall I have my money? Scogin answered, within these seven weeks, or else the next time that you and I doe meet after the said terme set.198 The terme of time passed over, and the Alderman sent for his money. Scogin said to the messenger, have me commended to Master Alderman, and tell him when he and I doe meet, I will content him according to my promise; so, on a time, Scogin went to Korfax,199 and he espied the Alderman, [pg 317] and then he returned backe. The Alderman made good footing after him to overtake him and said unto him, Sir, you said that you would pay me my money within seven weekes, or else any time after that we did meet together. It is true, said Scogin, my day is expired, but my promise is not broken; No, said the Alderman, so that you pay me my money now. Now, said Scogin, nay not so, wee meet not together yet, for now you did but overtake me, and when we doe meet, you shall have your money; but if I can, said Scogin, I will not meet you this seven Yeares, if I can go backward. Wherefore a plaine bargain is best, and in bargaines making, fast bind, fast find.
[105.] When Scogin brought things from London to Oxford, he didn’t have enough fur for his gowns and Miniver fur for his hood. So, he went to a skinner Alderman in Oxford and said, “I need to graduate with a Master of Arts at the next ceremony, but I spent all my money in London. I need some furs, as you know. If you provide me with enough for my gowns and hood, I’ll express my gratitude.” The Alderman replied, “Make your gowns and hood and send them to me; I’ll have them furred like the other Masters’ garments.” Scogin said, “You’ll have them in two days, and please prepare an invoice for me.” The Alderman agreed. Once the gowns and hood were furred, Scogin came to pick them up and asked the Alderman to see the bill. The invoice was presented, and the total came to six pounds and some change. The Alderman asked, “When will I get my money?” Scogin replied, “Within seven weeks, or the next time we meet after that.” 198 Time passed, and the Alderman sent for his money. Scogin told the messenger to send his regards to the Alderman and let him know that when they next meet, he’ll honor his promise. Eventually, Scogin went to Korfax, 199 spotted the Alderman, and then turned back. The Alderman chased after him to catch up, saying, “You said you’d pay me within seven weeks or whenever we met again.” “That’s true,” Scogin replied, “my time is up, but I haven't broken my promise.” “No,” the Alderman insisted, “as long as you pay me now.” “Well,” Scogin said, “we haven’t met yet; you just caught up with me. When we actually meet, you’ll get your money. But if I can help it,” he added, “I won’t be meeting you for seven years, if I can avoid it. So, a clear agreement is best, and in making deals, it’s best to be firm.”
198 Commences.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Starts.
199 Carfax, a place in Oxford, where four streets meet; supposed to be a corruption of quatre voies.
199 Carfax, a location in Oxford where four streets converge; thought to be a corruption of quatre voies.
[103.] A Gentleman having left a Bag of Money in a Hackney Coach, besides an Advertisement in the Gazet, he put up a paper at the Exchange, that he would give a sixth part (viz £20) to the Coachman, if he would bring him his Money; the Fellow, hearing of the offer, went to the Exchange and writ on the Paper, Then shall I be the Loser, which was all the Gentleman had for his Coin.
[103.] A gentleman who left a bag of money in a taxi, in addition to placing an ad in the Gazet, posted a notice at the Exchange offering a sixth of the amount (i.e. £20) to the driver if he returned his money. The driver, hearing about the offer, went to the Exchange and wrote on the notice, Then shall I be the Loser, which was all the gentleman got for his money.
[26.] One swore most plentifully, That he saw a Lobster kill a Hare upon Salisbury Plain; then they all began to think indeed that was a lie, till he very discreetly told them how it was; for the Lobsters that are taken at Weymouth, Southampton, and upon the Sea-Coasts thereabouts, are presently convey'd in Panniers into the Midland Country, and by the way on Salisbury Plain did drop a very good Lobster, and a Hare a little after, came close to the Lobster: which the Lobster feeling, with his Claw presently catcht him fast by the foot, and so kill'd him; and swore also that they put it into a Pie, and both bak't together (but I don't mean with the skin and the shell on) then you'd think't a lie indeed; and so sent up to London, and eaten there.
[26.] One guy swore a lot that he saw a lobster kill a hare on Salisbury Plain; then everyone started to think that was a crazy lie until he carefully explained how it happened. The lobsters caught at Weymouth, Southampton, and along the nearby coast are quickly transported in baskets to the Midlands, and on Salisbury Plain, a really nice lobster dropped. A little while later, a hare came close to the lobster, and feeling it with his claw, the lobster grabbed the hare by the foot and killed it. He also claimed they put it into a pie and baked them together (but I don't mean with the skin and shell on), and then you'd really think it was a lie, and so it got sent up to London and eaten there.
[102.]Alas, Delfridus keepes his bed, God knowes,
[102.]Unfortunately, Delfridus stays in bed, God knows,
Which is a sign his worship's very ill:
Which is a sign that he’s really sick:
His griefe beyond the grounds of Phisike goes;
His grief goes beyond the limits of physics;
No Doctor that comes neere it with his skill,
No doctor who approaches it with his expertise,
Yet doth he eat, drink, talke, and sleepe profound,
Yet he does eat, drink, talk, and sleep deeply,
Seeming to all men's judgements healthful found.
Seemed healthy to everyone's view.
Then gesse the cause he thus to bed is drawne
Then guess the reason he is drawn to bed like this.
What? think you so? may such a hap procure it?
What? Do you really think so? Could such a thing actually happen?
Well; faith, 'tis true, his Hose is out at pawne,
Well, it’s true, his hose is at the pawn shop,
A breechlesse chance is come, he must indure it:
A risky opportunity has come; he must deal with it.
His Hose to Brokers Jayle committed are,
His hose to brokers Jayle committed are,
His Singular, and only Velvet paire.
His one and only velvet pair.
[17.] A man on his death bed bequeathed all that he had to his three Sons; to the first he gave all his Land, for he said he had been very dutiful, but he said he hoped his Father would live to enjoy it all himself: To the second, he gave all his money and goods, for he had been dutiful also, and he wisht his father might live and enjoy it all himself: And to the third, he said, Thou hast been a Villain, a Rogue, and a Vagabond; I first give to thee the benefit of the Stocks, to keep both thy legs warm; and next Bridwell, where thou shalt dine upon freecost with Mr Lashington every day; and then I bestow the Gallows upon thee at last: Truly Father, says he, I thank you, and I hope you'll live to enjoy them all, yourself.
[17.] A man on his deathbed left everything he had to his three sons. To the first, he gave all his land because he said he had been very dutiful, but he hoped his father would live to enjoy it himself. To the second, he gave all his money and possessions since he had also been dutiful, wishing the same for his father. And to the third, he said, "You have been a villain, a rogue, and a vagabond; first, I give you the benefit of the stocks to keep your legs warm; next, I give you Bridwell, where you can dine for free with Mr. Lashington every day; and finally, I bestow the gallows upon you." "Truly, Father," says he, "I thank you, and I hope you'll live to enjoy them all yourself."
[94.] One asked the reason why Lawyers Clerks writ such wide lines: Another answered, It was done to keep the peace; for if the Plaintiff should be in one line, and the Defendant in the next, the lines being too near together, they might perhaps fall together by the Ears.
[94.] One person asked why the lawyers' clerks wrote such wide lines. Another replied that it was to maintain peace; if the plaintiff was in one line and the defendant in the next, the lines being too close together might lead to a physical confrontation.
When all the World was drown'd,
When the whole world was flooded,
No Venison could be found;
No venison was found;
For then there was no Park:
For back then, there was no Park:
Lo here we sit,
Here we sit,
Without e're a bit,
Without it, we're a bit lost.
Noy has it all in his Ark.
Noy has everything in his Ark.
For the ingenuity of which, Mr Noy sent him a good corner of a Pasty, and half a Dozen Bottles of Sack to wash it down.
For his cleverness, Mr. Noy sent him a nice piece of pastry and half a dozen bottles of sherry to enjoy with it.
At another time, Ben Johnson intending to go through the Half Moone Tavern in Aldersgate Street, was denied entrance, the Door being shut: upon which he made these Verses.
At another time, Ben Johnson, trying to get into the Half Moone Tavern on Aldersgate Street, was refused entry because the door was shut. In response, he wrote these verses.
Since the Half-Moon is so unkind,
Since the Half-Moon is so harsh,
to make me go about,
to make me move around,
The Sun my Money now shall take,
The Sun will now take my money,
the Moon shall go without.
the Moon will go without.
And so he went to the Sun Tavern at Long Lane end, forsaking the Half-Moon for this affront.
And so he went to the Sun Tavern at Long Lane end, leaving the Half-Moon for this insult.
200 "Noy, when Whitlocke came to him about the Bill, advised with him about the King's Patent concerning an association between England and Scotland for fishing. Noy loved a little drollery, and gave Whitelocke eleven groats out of his little purse. Here, said Noy, take these single pence; and I give you more than an attorney's fee, because you will be a better man than an Attorney-General; and this you will find to be true. This was in 1629."—Lives of Eminent Sergeants at Law, by H. W. Woolrych, Lond. 1869.
200 "Noy, when Whitlocke approached him about the Bill, discussed the King's Patent regarding a partnership between England and Scotland for fishing. Noy had a sense of humor and gave Whitelocke eleven groats from his small purse. Here, said Noy, take this change; I'm giving you more than an attorney's fee because you'll turn out to be a better person than an Attorney-General; and you'll see that this is true. This was in 1629."—Lives of Eminent Sergeants at Law, by H. W. Woolrych, Lond. 1869.
[91.] When I lived, I fed the living, now I am dead, I bear the living, and with swift speed walke over the living.
[91.] When I was alive, I fed the living. Now that I'm dead, I support the living and walk swiftly among them.
Resolution. A Ship made of an Oake, growing, fed Hogs with Acorns, now beares men, swims over fishes.
Resolution. A ship made of oak, nourished by pigs eating acorns, now carries men and sails over fish.
The English Irish Souldier
With his new discipline, new weapons, old stomach, and newly acquired loot, he would rather eat than fight.
think I do appeare,
I think I appear,
In this strange Armes
In this weird world
and posture, as a Jeere,
and posture, as a Jere,
Let him advance up to me
Let him come up to me
he shall see,
he will see,
Ile stop his mouth
I'll shut his mouth.
and we wil both agree.
and we'll both agree.
Our Skirmish ended
Our battle ended
our Enemies fled or slaine
our enemies fled or slain
Pillage wee cry then,
Pillage small cry then,
for the Souldiers game,
for the Soldiers game,
And this compleat Artillery
And this complete Artillery
I have got,
I've got,
The best of Souldiers,
The best of Soldiers,
I think, hateth not.
I think, don't hate.
My Martiall Armes
My Martial Arms
dealt I amongst my foes
I faced my enemies.
With this I charged stand
With this, I charged the stand.
'gainst hungers blowes;
'gainst hunger's blows;
This is Munition
This is Ammo
if a Souldier lacke,
if a Soldier lacks,
He fights like Iohn a dreams201
He fights like Iohn a dreams__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__
or Lent's thin Jacke.202
or Lent's thin jacket.__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__
All safe and cleare,
All safe and clear,
my true Arms rest awhile,
my real arms rest for a bit,
And welcome pillage
And welcome to the loot
you have foes to soile.
you have enemies to ruin.
This Pot, my Helmet,
This pot, my helmet,
must not be forsaken,
must not be neglected,
For loe I seiz'd it
For love, I seized it.
full of Hens and Bacon.
full of Chickens and Bacon.
Rebels for Rebels drest it
Rebels for Rebels dressed it
but our hot rost
but our hot roast
Made them to flye
Made them fly
and now they kisse the post.
and now they kiss the post.
And better that to kisse
And better to kiss that
than stay for Pullets
than stay for Chicken
And have their bellies
And have their stomachs
cram'd with leaden bullets.
filled with lead bullets.
This fowle my Feather is,
This is my bad luck.
who wins most fame,
who gains the most fame,
To weare a pretty Duck
To wear a pretty duck
he need not shame;
he shouldn't feel ashamed;
This Spit my well chargd
This spit my well charged
Musket with a Goose,
Musket with a Goose,
Now cryes come eate me,
Now cries come eat me,
let your stomacks loose.
let your stomachs loose.
This Dripping Pan's my
This dripping pan is mine.
target, and this Hartichoke
target, and this artichoke
My Basket-hilted blade
My basket-hilted sword
can make 'em smoake,
can make them smoke,
And make them slash and cut
And have them slash and cut
who most Home puts,
who puts home first,
Ile most my fury
I'll vent my anger
sheath into his guts.
sheath into his abdomen.
This Forke my Rest is,
This Forke interrupts my rest,
and my Bandaleers
and my Bandoleers
Canary Bottles,
Canary Bottles,
that can quell base feares,
that can ease basic fears,
And make us quaffe downe
And make us quaff down
danger, if this not doe,
danger, if this isn't done,
What is it then? can raise
What is it then? can raise
a spiritt into fearfull men.
a spirit into fearful men.
This Match are linkes
This match is linked
to light down to my belly
to shine down to my stomach
Wherein are darksome chinks
Where are the dark gaps
as I may tell yee,
as I may tell you,
Or Sassages, or Puddings,
Or sausages, or puddings,
choose you which,
choose which,
An excellent Needle,
A great needle,
Hungers wounds to stitch.
Hungry wounds to stitch.
These my Supporters,
These are my supporters,
garter'd with black pots,
gartered with black boots,
Can steele the nose
Can steal the nose
& purg the brain of plots;
& clear the mind of schemes;
These tosts my shooestrings,
These tie my shoelaces,
steept in this strong fog,
steeped in this thick fog,
Is able of themselves
Is capable of themselves
to foxe a Dog.
to outsmart a dog.
These Armes being vanisht,
These weapons have vanished,
once againe appeare
once again appear
A true and faithful Souldier
A true and faithful soldier
As you were;
Stay as you were.
But if this wants,
But if this is desired,
and that we have no biting
and that we have no biting
In our best Armours
In our best armor
we make sorry fighting.
we're sorry for the conflict.
FINIS
FINIS
Printed at London for R. Wood and A. Coe 1642.
Printed in London for R. Wood and A. Coe 1642.
201 i.e. a stupid, semi-idiot, as—
"A Dull and Muddy Mettled rascal, peak,
A dull and muddy-colored rascal, peak,
Like John a dreams, impregnant of my cause,
Like John has dreams, filled with my purpose,
And can say nothing."—Hamlet, Act ii. Scene 2.
And can say nothing."—Hamlet, Act ii. Scene 2.
202 "A Jack a Lent" was a straw-stuffed image which was shot at, beaten, thrown at, and otherwise ill-treated during Lent. It was supposed to represent Judas Iscariot.
202 "A Jack a Lent" was a straw-filled figure that people shot at, beat, threw, and otherwise mistreated during Lent. It was meant to symbolize Judas Iscariot.
[93.] There was a Gentleman that dwelt in the West Countrey, and had staid here in London a Tearme longer than hee intended, by reason of a Booke that George (Peele) had to translate out of Greeke into English: and when he wanted money, George had it of the Gentleman, but the more he supplyed him of Coine, the further off he was from his Booke, and could get no end of it, neither by faire meanes, entreatie, or double payment: for George was of the Poeticall disposition, never to write so long as his money lasted; some quarter of the Booke being done, and lying in his hands at randome.
[93.] There was a gentleman who lived in the West Country and had stayed in London for a term longer than he planned because of a book that George (Peele) needed to translate from Greek to English. When he ran low on money, George borrowed from the gentleman, but the more he loaned him, the further away George got from finishing his book. He couldn't get it done no matter how nicely he asked, pleaded, or offered to pay him extra. George had a poetic nature and never wrote as long as he had money; a portion of the book was done but remained unfinished in his hands.
The Gentleman had plotted a meanes to take such an order with George next time he came, that he would have his Booke finished. It was not long before he had his Company; his arrival was for more money; the Gentleman bids him welcome; causeth him to stay dinner, where falling into discourse about his Booke, found it was as neere ended, as he left it two moneths ago. The Gentleman, meaning to be gul'd no longer, caused two of his men to binde George hand and foot in a Chayre: a folly it was for him to aske what they meant by it: the Gentleman sent for a Barber, and George had a beard of an indifferent size, and well growne: he made the Barber shave him beard and head, left him as bare of haire, as he was of money: the Barber he was well contented for his paines, who left George like an old woman in mans apparell: and his voyce became it well, for it was more woman than man. George quoth the Gentleman, I have always used you like a friend, my purse hath beene open to you: that you have of mine to translate, you know it is a thing I highly esteeme: therefore I have used you in this fashion, that I might have an [pg 324] end of my Booke, which shall be as much for your profit as my pleasure. So forthwith he commanded his men to unbinde him, and putting his hand into his pocket, gave him two brace of Angels; quoth hee, Master Peele, drinke this, and by that time you have finished my booke, your beard will be growne, untill which time, I know you will be ashamed to walke abroad. George patiently tooke the gold, said little, and when it was darke night, took his leave of the Gentleman, and went directly home: who, when his wife saw, I omit the wonder shee made, but imagine those that shall behold their husbands in such a case. To bed went George, and ere morning hee had plotted sufficiently how to cry quid pro quo with his politick Gentleman.
The Gentleman had figured out a way to ensure that the next time George came, he would finish his Book. It wasn't long before he had company; George’s arrival was for more money. The Gentleman welcomed him and invited him to stay for dinner. While talking about his Book, they found it was as close to being finished as when he left it two months ago. The Gentleman, no longer intending to be fooled, had two of his men tie George up in a chair. It was foolish of him to ask what they were doing. The Gentleman called for a Barber, and since George had a decent-sized, well-grown beard, he had the Barber shave his beard and head, leaving him as hairless as he was broke. The Barber was satisfied with his work, leaving George looking like an old woman in men's clothing; his voice suited it well, as it was more feminine than masculine. George, said the Gentleman, I have always treated you like a friend; my purse has been open to you. You know how much I value what you have to translate for me; that’s why I’ve done this, so I can finally have an end to my Book, which will benefit you as much as it pleases me. Immediately, he ordered his men to untie him, and reaching into his pocket, he gave him two bags of gold coins. He said, Master Peele, take this, and by the time you finish my Book, your beard will have grown back; until then, I know you’ll be ashamed to go out. George gratefully took the gold, said little, and when it was dark, he said goodbye to the Gentleman and went straight home. When his wife saw him, I won't describe her shock, but just imagine how those who see their husbands in such a state react. George went to bed, and before morning, he had already schemed how to get something in return from his clever Gentleman.
George had a Daughter of the age of tenne yeeres, a Girle of a pretty forme, but of an excellent wit: and she had George so tutored all night, that although himselfe was the Author of it, yet had hee beene transformed into his Daughters shape, he could not have done it with more conceit. George at that time dwelt at the Banke Side from whence this she-sinnow,203 early in the morning, with her haire dichevalled, wringing her hands, and making such pittifull moane with shrikes and teares, and beating of her brest, that made the people in a maze: some stood wondring at the Childe; others plucked her to know the occasion; but none could stay her by any meanes, but on shee kept her journey, crying, O, her Father, her good Father, her deare Father, over the Bridge, thorow Cheapside, and so to the Old Bailey, where the Gentleman sojourned, there sitting her selfe downe, a hundred people gaping upon her, there she begins to cry out, Woe to that place, that her Father ever saw it: she was a Cast-away, her Mother was undone: till with the noise, one of the Gentlemans men comming downe, looked on her, and knew her to be George Peeles Daughter: hee presently runnes up, and tels his Master, who commanded his man to bring her up. The Gentleman was in a cold sweat, fearing that George had, for the wrong that he did him the day before, some way undone himselfe. When [pg 325] the Girle came up, he demanded the cause why she so lamented, and called upon her Father? George his flesh and blood, after a million of sighs, cried out upon him, he had made her Father, her good Father, drowne himselfe. Which words once uttered, she fell into a Counterfeit swoone, whom the Gentleman soon recovered. This newes went to his heart, and he, being a man of a very milde condition, cheered up the Girle, made his men to go buy her new cloathes from top to toe, said he would be a Father to her, gave her five pounds, bid her go home and carry it to her mother, and in the evening he would visit her. At this, by little and little she began to be quiet: desiring him to come and see her Mother. He tels her, he will not faile, bids her goe home quietly. So downe stayres goes she peartly,204 and the wondring people that staid at doore, to heare the manner of her griefe, had of her nought but knavish answers, and home went she directly. The Gentleman was so crossed in mind, and disturbed in thought at this unhappy accident, that his soule could not be in quiet, till he had beene with this wofull widdow, as hee thought, and presently went to Blacke Fryers, tooke a payre of Oares, and went directly to George Peeles house, where hee found his wife plucking of Larkes, my crying Crocadile turning of the Spit, and George pinn'd up in a blanket, at his translation. The Gentleman, more glad at the unlookt for life of George, than the losse of his money, tooke part in the good cheere George had to dinner, wondred at the cunning of the Wench, and within some few daies after had an end of his Booke.
George had a ten-year-old daughter, a pretty girl with a sharp mind. She had George so trained all night that even if he had been transformed into her shape, he couldn't have done it with more flair. At that time, George lived by the riverbank, and early in the morning, this girl, with her hair disheveled, wringing her hands and making such pitiful cries with screams and tears while beating her chest, left people in shock. Some stared in wonder at the girl; others tried to find out what was wrong, but no one could stop her. She continued on her way, crying, “Oh, her father, her good father, her dear father,” across the bridge, through Cheapside, and eventually to the Old Bailey, where the gentleman was staying. There, sitting down with a hundred people staring at her, she began to scream about how wretched that place was, where her father had ever set foot: she was a lost cause, her mother was ruined. With that commotion, one of the gentleman's servants came down, looked at her, and recognized her as George Peeles’ daughter. He immediately ran upstairs to tell his master, who ordered him to bring her up. The gentleman was in a cold sweat, fearing that George, because of the trouble he caused him the day before, had somehow harmed himself. When the girl came up, he asked her why she was lamenting and calling for her father. After a million sighs, she cried that he had made her father, her good father, drown himself. Once those words were spoken, she fell into a fake faint, which the gentleman quickly revived her from. This news struck him hard, and being a gentle soul, he comforted the girl, instructed his men to buy her new clothes from head to toe, promised to be like a father to her, gave her five pounds, told her to go home and give it to her mother, and said he would visit her in the evening. Gradually, she began to calm down, asking him to come see her mother. He assured her he wouldn’t forget, and told her to go home quietly. She went downstairs cheerfully, and the amazed people who waited at the door to hear about her troubles received nothing but cheeky responses from her, and she went straight home. The gentleman was so troubled and disturbed by this unfortunate event that he couldn’t find peace until he visited this grieving widow, so he quickly went to Blackfriars, took a boat, and headed straight to George Peeles’ house, where he found his wife plucking larks, his crying daughter turning the spit, and George wrapped up in a blanket, recovering from his ordeal. The gentleman was more relieved at George’s unexpected survival than at the loss of his money, joined in the good cheer George had for dinner, marveled at the girl’s cleverness, and within a few days, he finished his book.
203 A woman very finely dressed. "Whereas she wont in her feathered youthfulnesse to looke with amiable eye on her gray breast, and her speckled side sayles, all sinnowed with silver guilles."—Pierce Penilesse his Supplication to the Divell, by Thos. Nash. 1592.
203 A woman dressed very elegantly. "In her feathered youth, she used to gaze with a friendly eye at her gray chest, while her speckled sides glimmered, all sinnowed with silver scales."—Pierce Penilesse his Supplication to the Divell, by Thos. Nash. 1592.
204 Briskly, lively.
Energetic and lively.
[77.] There was a great huge man 3 yards in the Waste, at S. Edmondsbury in Suffolk, that died but of late daies, (one M. Blague by name) & a good kinde Justice too, carefull for the poore; this Justice met with Tarlton in Norwich: Tarlton, said he, give me thy hand; But you, Sir, being richer, may give me a greater gift, give me your body! and imbracing him could not halfe compasse him: being merry in talke, said the Justice; Tarlton tell me one thing, what is the difference betwixt a Flea and a Louse? Marry, Sir, said Tarlton, as much and like difference, as twixt you and me; I like a Flea [pg 326] (see else) can skip nimbly: But you, like a fat Louse creepe slowly, and you can go no faster, were a Butcher's axe over you, ready to knock you on the head. Thou art a knave, quoth the Justice. I, Sir, I knew that ere I came hither, else had I not been here now, for ever one knave (making a stop) seekes out another: the Justice understanding him, laughed heartily.
[77.] There was a really big man, about 3 yards tall, in the Waste, at S. Edmondsbury in Suffolk, who recently passed away (one M. Blague by name) and he was a good, kind Justice, always looking out for the poor. This Justice ran into Tarlton in Norwich. Tarlton, he said, give me your hand; but you, Sir, being richer, can give me an even bigger gift—give me your body! And when he embraced him, he couldn't quite wrap his arms around him. They were joking around when the Justice said, Tarlton, tell me one thing: what's the difference between a flea and a louse? Well, Sir, said Tarlton, it's as much of a difference as between you and me; I’m like a flea, [pg 326] (see otherwise) I can jump around quickly. But you, like a fat louse, move slowly and you couldn’t go any faster, even if a butcher's axe was about to hit you. You’re a scoundrel, said the Justice. I, Sir? I knew that before I got here, or else I wouldn't be here now, because every scoundrel (pausing) looks for another. The Justice got it and laughed heartily.
[17.] A Gentleman had a desire to hire two resolute Ruffians to do some exploit upon one that had abused him: A little after his man brings him two whose faces were slasht and cut: No, says he, I'll have none of you, but if you can bring me those men that gave you those wounds, they are for my turn.
[17.] A man wanted to hire two tough guys to get back at someone who had wronged him. Shortly after, his man brought him two guys who had slashed and bruised faces. "No," he said, "I don't want you, but if you can bring me the ones who gave you those injuries, they're the ones I'm looking for."
[4.] A Sea Captain was invited to a Hunting Match, who when he came home related what sport he had after this manner: Our Horses, says he, being well Rigg'd, we man'd them; and the Wind being at West South West, (Fifteen of us in Company) away we stood over the Downs; in the time of half a Watch, we spied a Hare under full Sail, we Tackt, and stood after her, coming up close, she Tacks, and we Tackt, upon which Tack I had like to run aground; but getting clear off, I stood after her again; but as the Devil would have it, just as I was going to lay her aboard, bearing too much Wind, I and my Horse overset and came Heel205 upwards.
[4.] A sea captain was invited to a hunting match, and when he got home, he shared his experience like this: "Our horses were well prepared, so we saddled them up. With the wind coming from the west-southwest, and fifteen of us in total, we took off across the hills. After half an hour, we spotted a hare running fast, so we changed direction to chase it. As we got closer, the hare changed direction too, and we followed. On that turn, I almost fell off my horse, but I managed to recover and continued chasing her. Just when I was about to catch up, I lost control, and my horse and I both ended up flipping over." 205
205 ? Keel.
Keel?
Being a merry composed Jest of Five Taylors that had been at work till their Wages came to 5 pounds, likewise a merry conceited Cook-maid that lived in the house, went to her Master, and desired him to lend her a horse, and she would venture her skill to take the 5 pounds from these five Taylors, without either Sword or Pistol, in a jesting way, to make her Master some sport and to show her valour: her Master loving [pg 327] mirth more than sadness, agreed to it; so a Horse was sadled, and other things to disguise herself, because she might not be known: away she went (it being in the Evening) and met them before they got home, with nothing in her hand but a black pudding, the faint hearted Taylors delivered her their Money very quietly, for fear they should a been shot through with a Black Pudding, and what followed after is expressed in the following Ditty.
A cheerful group of five tailors who had been working until their wages added up to 5 pounds, along with a witty cook who lived in the house, approached her boss and asked to borrow a horse. She wanted to show off her skills by taking the 5 pounds from the five tailors in a playful manner, aiming to entertain her boss and demonstrate her bravery. Since her boss preferred fun over sadness, he agreed. So, they saddled a horse and gave her some disguises to hide her identity. She set off in the evening and intercepted them before they got home, holding only a black pudding. The timid tailors handed over their money without hesitation, fearing they might be struck by the black pudding. What happened next is told in the following rhyme.
Tune is Ragged & Torn.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ is Ragged & Torn.
With Allowance.
With allowance.
if that you do please it to hear,
if you would like to hear,
For the truth on't I do protest,
For the truth of it, I truly protest,
I'm sure that you need not to fear:
I'm sure you have nothing to fear:
It is of a valiant Cook-maid,
It is about a brave cook maid,
that lived at a Nobleman's place
that lived at a nobleman's place
And five Taylors that once was afraid
And five Taylors who were once afraid
when as they lookt her in the face.
when they looked her in the face.
O this was a valiant Cook-maid,
Oh, this was a brave cook!
without either Pistol or Gun,
without either Pistol or Gun,
But with a Black Pudding did fright,
But a Black Pudding did scare,
five Taylors and put them to th' run.
five Taylors and put them to the run.
This Noble-man upon a time,
This nobleman once,
had great store of work for to do,
had a lot of work to do,
But to bring every thing into rhyme,
But to get everything to rhyme,
'twill study my brains you must know;
'twill study my brains you must know;
Five Taylors that lived hard by,
Five Taylors who lived close,
that worked for fourpence a day,
that worked for four pence a day,
For Beef and for Pudding at night,
For beef and pudding at night,
they'd better do so than to play.
they should do that instead of playing.
O this &c
Oh this &c
These Taylors a great while did work,
These Taylors worked for a long time,
two Masters, and their three men,
two Masters, and their three men,
They laboured as hard as a Turk,
They worked as hard as anyone.
with Stitching both too and agen;
with stitching both to and again;
And when that their work it was done,
And when their work was finished,
their money unto them was told,
their money was returned to them,
Full five good pounds it is known,
Full five good pounds it is known,
Of Silver, but not of red Gold.
Of silver, but not of red gold.
O this &c
O this, etc.
And when as their money they'd got,
And when they had gotten their money,
then who was so jocond as they,
then who was as cheerful as they,
Each Man of the best drank his pot,
Each man of the finest drank his beer,
and homewards they straight took their way;
and they went straight home;
A Cook-Maid there was in the house,
A cook-maid was in the house,
that us'd full merry to be,
that used to be so merry,
Who went to her Master in haste,
Who rushed to her Master,
and these words unto him did say.
and these words he said to him.
O this &c
O this &c
Master, if that you please,
Master, if you don't mind,
some pastime I for you will make
some pastime I will create for you
But to lend me a horse then (quoth she)
But to lend me a horse then (she said)
and this money I from them will take;
and I will take this money from them;
Her Master, then hearing the jest,
Her Master, then hearing the joke,
would try what this Cook-maid could do,
would see what this cook could do,
Some mirth he did think it the best,
Some laughter he thought was the best,
as Gentlemen will do, you know.
as guys do, you know.
O this &c
O this &c
A horse then was sadled with speed,
A horse was then saddled quickly,
and boots and Spurs she put on,
and she put on her boots and spurs,
And other materials most fit,
And other most suitable materials,
because she would not be known;
because she didn't want to be recognized;
A horse-back she straight got astride,
She quickly got on the horse,
with a Hogs-Pudding in her hand,
with a Hogs-Pudding in her hand,
And meeting these Taylors in haste,
And quickly running into these Taylors,
she presently bid them to stand.
she currently asked them to stand.
O this &c
O this &c
Deliver your Money (quoth she)
Give me your money (she said)
or else your manhoods now try,
or else try your strength now,
Or by this same thing in my hand,
Or by this same thing in my hand,
every man of you shall dye;
every one of you will die;
Then out her Black-Pudding she pull'd,
Then she pulled out her black pudding,
which sore did the Taylors affright,
which sore did the Taylors frighten,
They thought it had been a Pistol well charg'd,
They thought it was a well-loaded pistol,
because 'twas late in the night.
because it was late at night.
O this &c
Oh this etc.
They beg'd their lives she might save,
They begged her to save their lives,
we are but poor Taylors (quoth they)
we are just poor tailors (they said)
And truly no money we have,
And honestly, we have no money,
for we work but for four pence a day;
for we only earn four pence a day;
You lye, like all Rogues (quoth she)
You lie, like all the scoundrels, she said.
and do not my patience provoke,
and do not provoke my patience,
For 5 pounds you have tane for your work,
For 5 pounds, you have taken for your work,
so presant that word did them choak.
so present that word made them choke.
O this &c.
Oh this &c.
That money deliver with speed,
That money delivers quickly,
if that you think well on your lives,
if you think carefully about your lives,
Or by this same thing you shall bleed,
Or by this same thing, you will bleed,
the which will go farther than knives;
the which will go further than knives;
Then out of their pockets their money they took,
Then they took their money out of their pockets,
with many a sorrowful tear,
with many sorrowful tears,
And gave it into her hand,
And placed it in her hand,
here's all on't each Taylor did swear.
here's all on't each Taylor did swear.
O this &c—
O this etc.—
And when she their money had got,
And when she had gotten their money,
she set Spurs and away she did run,
she set off on her spurs and ran away,
The Devil go with you (quoth they)
The Devil go with you (they said)
for i'me sure that we are undone;
for I'm sure that we are doomed;
But when that this Cook-maid came home,
But when this cook came home,
strait unto her Master she told,
strait to her Master she told,
And show'd him his money again,
And showed him his money again,
how passages went she did unfold.
how passages went she did unfold.
O this &c.
Oh this etc.
The poor Taylor making his complaint to the EsquireBut here comes the cream of the jest,
But here comes the best part of the joke,
those Taylors which was such Men,
those Taylors who were such men,
After they'd stood pausing awhile,
After they paused for a while,
then back they returned again;
then they returned again;
They came with a pittiful tone,
They came with a pitiful tone,
their hair stood like men bewitcht,
their hair stood up like enchanted men,
To th' Gentleman they made their moan,
To the gentleman, they shared their troubles,
for their mony their fingers it itcht.
for their money their fingers itched.
O this &c.
Oh this, etc.
The Gentleman laugh'd in conceit,
The gentleman laughed in pride,
how many was there said he,
how many were there, he said,
Sure you were all men sufficient
Sure you were all enough men
to a beaten above two or three;
to a beaten above two or three;
Truly we saw but one man,
Truly, we only saw one man,
the which took our Money away,
the which took our Money away,
But we feared he had partakers in store,
But we worried he had accomplices waiting,
or else he should never a carried the day.
or else he should never have carried the day.
O this &c.
Oh this, etc.
He was well mounted upon a good steed,
He was riding a good horse,
and a Pistol that put us to studying,
and a pistol that made us think,
You lye like all fools (quoth she)
You lie like all fools, she said.
it was but a black Hogs-Pudding;
it was just a black Hogs-Pudding;
Thus they the poor Taylors did jeer,
Thus the poor Taylors did mock,
and the Cook-maid laugh'd in conceit,
and the chef laughed smugly,
That with nothing but a black Pudding,
That with nothing but a black pudding,
and that five Taylors did beat.
and that five Taylors did beat.
O this &c.
O this &c.
Then straightway the Gentleman spoke,
Then right away the Gentleman spoke,
what will you give then (said he)
what will you give then (he asked)
To have all your money again,
To get all your money back,
and the face on't once more to see:
and the face on it once more to see:
Quoth the Taylors we'l give the ton half,
Quoth the Taylors, we'll give the town half,
and that's very fair you do know,
and that's really fair, you do know,
Altho' that we were such fools,
Albeit that we were such fools,
to part with our good silver so.
to part with our good silver like this.
O this &c.
Oh this, etc.
Then straitways he call'd for the Cook,
Then immediately he called for the Cook,
then the Taylors did laugh in their sleeve,
then the Taylors laughed to themselves,
And set her to conjuring strait,
And had her start summoning right away,
which made the poor Taylors believe;
which led the poor Taylors to believe;
That she by her art had it found,
That she found it through her skill,
and show'd them the place where it lay,
and showed them the place where it was.
Which made the poor Taylors to smile,
Which made the poor Taylors smile,
so merry and jocand was they.
so merry and cheerful were they.
O this &c.
O this &c.
Here take half the money said they,
Here, take half the money, they said.
the which we did promise to you,
the promise we made to you,
And for you we ever will pray,
And we will always pray for you,
for such Cook-Maids there is but a few;
for such Cook-Maids there are only a few;
I'le have none of your money she said,
I'll have none of your money, she said,
as sure as i'me here alive,
as sure as I'm here alive,
One may know what Cowards you are,
One might know how cowardly you are,
to let a Hogs-Pudding to fright you all 5.
to let a Hogs-Pudding scare you all 5.
O this &c.
O this, etc.
And thus the old Proverb is true,
And so the old saying is true,
nine Taylors do make but one man,
nine Taylors do make but one man,
And now it doth plainly appear,
And now it’s obvious,
let them all do what they can;
let them all do what they’re able to;
For had they been stout hearted Lads,
For if they had been brave guys,
they need not called for aid,
they didn't need to call for help,
Nor afraid to tast of a Pudding,
Nor afraid to taste a pudding,
nor yet be'n out-brav'd by a Maid.
nor yet be outdone by a girl.
O this &c
O this, etc.
FINIS.
FINISHED.
Printed for P. Brooksby, at the Golden-Ball, at Pye-Corner, near West Smithfield.
Printed for P. Brooksby, at the Golden Ball, at Pye Corner, near West Smithfield.
206 This engraving is from another version, (C. 22 f. 2)/101
206 This engraving comes from a different version, (C. 22 f. 2)/101
How Jacke by playing of the Whiting got his dinner.
[105.] When the sicknesse was at Oxford, on a time Scogin went out of Oxford, and did lye at S. Bartholemewes by Oxford, and hee had a poore scholler to dresse his meat: On a Friday he said to his scholler, Jacke, here is twopence, goe to the market and buy me three whitings, the which his scholler did; & when hee was come home, Scogin said, Jacke, goe seeth me a whiting to my dinner: Jacke heard him say so, and deferred the time, thinking hee should fare ill when that his master had but a whiting to dinner. At last Scogin said, doth the fish play? Jacke said, would you have one play without a fellow? Scogin said, Jacke thou saist truth, put another whiting into the pan. Then Jacke prepared his fish to seeth them: then Scogin said, Jacke doth the fish play [pg 333] now? Jacke said, I trow they be mad or else wood,207 for one doth fight with the other, that I have much adoe to keepe them in the pan. Then said Scogin, put the other whiting betwixt them to break the strife. Jacke was then glad, thinking he should get somewhat to dinner, and sod208 the fish and had his part.
[105.] When the sickness was at Oxford, once, Scogin went out of Oxford and stayed at St. Bart’s near Oxford, and he had a poor student to cook his food: On a Friday, he said to his student, Jack, here is two pence, go to the market and buy me three whitings, which his student did; and when he came back home, Scogin said, Jack, go boil me a whiting for my dinner: Jack heard him say this and delayed, thinking he wouldn’t have a good meal if his master had only a whiting for dinner. Finally, Scogin said, is the fish playing? Jack said, would you have one play without a partner? Scogin replied, Jack, you’re right, put another whiting in the pan. Then Jack got his fish ready to boil them: then Scogin asked, Jack, is the fish playing now? Jack said, I think they are either crazy or mad, because one is fighting with the other, and I’m having a hard time keeping them in the pan. Then Scogin said, put the other whiting between them to stop the fighting. Jack was then happy, thinking he would have something for dinner, and boiled the fish and had his share.
207 Or wode, mad or furious.
Or wode, crazy or angry.
208 Or sodden, boiled.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Or soggy, boiled.
[26.] One swore pretty largely too, That he knew a Hare, that after he was taken and garbaged,209 did give the Dogs a chase for five or six miles together; then they cry'd out all 'twas a loud lie. No, says he, it can't be a loud lie, for it seems you don't allow it. Yes, says they, we do allow it for a lie. But, says he, I do avow it for truth, and thus it was, for the Hare being tied to a Huntsman's Saddle in a string, it happened that the string slips, and the Hare in the string hung down between the Horses Legs upon the Ground, and the Horse being mettlesome, gallopt away with the Hare at his heels, and the Dogs marcht after; but the truth was, the Man could not hold the Horse in: Nay then, say they, this may be impossibly possible.
[26.] One guy swore quite a lot too, that he knew a Hare that, after it was caught and taken away, 209 actually gave the Dogs a chase for five or six miles. Then they all shouted that it was a total lie. "No," he said, "it can't be a total lie, because it seems you don't believe it." "Yes," they replied, "we do believe it's a lie." "But," he insisted, "I swear it's true, and here's what happened: the Hare was tied to a Huntsman's Saddle with a string, and then the string slipped, causing the Hare to hang down between the Horse's legs on the ground. The Horse, being energetic, galloped away with the Hare behind him, and the Dogs followed. But the truth was, the Man couldn't keep the Horse under control." "Well then," they said, "this might be impossibly possible."
Another very sober Man told a story; That once he went a coursing alone with a Grey hound Bitch, that was great with Whelp; and, having started a Hare, it hapned the Hare went through a Muse210 in a Hedg where a Carpenter had hid his Axe, lying it seems with the edge upwards: and so the Hare being with young, in going through that Muse, cut her belly with the edge of the Axe; and then out started 8 young Hares, and began to run immediately; but the Grey hound Bitch suddenly following the Hare through the very same Muse, by Chance Cut her belly also, and out came Eight Whelps; which eight Whelps ran after the eight young Hares, and the Bitch after the Old Hare and Kill'd em all. Now, says he to them, Some nice people may take this for a lie, [pg 334] but I think 'tis as probable as any of the rest, because the wonder is greater: that there should be but just the number of Eight Whelps, and Eight young Hares, and if true Probatum est.
Another very serious man told a story: Once, he went hunting alone with a female Greyhound who was pregnant. He started chasing a hare, and it happened that the hare ran through a gap in a hedge where a carpenter had hidden his axe, which was leaning with the sharp edge facing up. As the pregnant hare went through that gap, she cut open her belly on the axe. Then, out came eight young hares, who immediately started to run. However, the female Greyhound, following the hare through the same gap, accidentally cut her belly too, and out came eight puppies. These eight puppies ran after the eight young hares, while the Greyhound chased the adult hare and killed them all. Now, he said to them, some people might think this is a lie, but I find it just as likely as any of the others, because the coincidence is even more remarkable: there just happened to be exactly eight puppies and eight young hares, and if it’s true, it’s proven.
209 Disembowelled.
Disemboweled.
210 Or muset, a hole in a hedge through which game passes. Ed. Topsell in his "Histore of foure footed beasts," Lond. 1607, says, "But the good and aproved hounds, on the contrary, when they have found the hare, make shew thereof to the hunter, by running more speedily, and with gesture of head, eyes, ears, and taile winding to the hares muse," etc.
210 Or muset, a gap in a hedge where game goes through. Ed. Topsell in his "History of four-footed beasts," Lond. 1607, says, "But the good and proven hounds, on the other hand, when they have found the hare, show it to the hunter by running faster and with their head, eyes, ears, and tail directed toward the hare's muse,” etc.
[82.] Seigneur Valdrino (paymaster to the Campe of Alphonsus King of Aragon) a man exquisite in Courtship and complement; as two or three were at strife laying Wagers what Countryman he was; a blunt bold Captaine asked what was the matter: why Captaine, said one, we are laying a wager what Countriman my Lord Treasurer Valdrino is: Oh, said the Captaine, I can tell you that, I am sure he was borne in the land of Promise, for I have served the King in his wars, these seven yeers without pay, and ever when I petition to my Lord, he payes me with no coyne but promises, which makes me half assured that hee is that Countryman.
[82.] Lord Valdrino (the paymaster for King Alphonsus of Aragon) was a master of charm and flattery. While a couple of guys were arguing about where he was from, a straightforward captain asked what was going on. "Well, Captain," one of them said, "we're betting on where our Lord Treasurer Valdrino is from." "Oh," replied the Captain, "I can tell you that. I'm sure he was born in the land of Promise, because I've been serving the King in his wars for seven years without pay, and whenever I ask my Lord for compensation, I only get promises. That makes me pretty sure he’s from that place."
Epitaph on a Scholler.
Onely in the fore front looke,
Onely in the fore front looke,
For in it have errours bin,
For in it have been errors,
Which made th' authour call it in:
Which made the author call it in:
Yet know this 't shall have more worth,
Yet know this, it will be worth more,
At the second comming forth.
At the second coming.
[17.] A Gardener being to be hang'd, his Wife came to give him his last kiss at the Gallows: Out, you Baggage, says he, we are like to thrive well at the years end; there can't be a meeting in all the Country but you'll be sure to make one—Go home and weed, home and weed.
[17.] A gardener was about to be hanged, and his wife came to give him one last kiss at the gallows. "Get out of here, you useless woman," he said. "We're going to do well by the end of the year; there isn’t a gathering in the whole country where you won’t show up. Just go home and do some weeding, go home and weed."
Resolution. A Bell, which when it is cast, is founded in the ground.
Resolution. A bell, which when it’s made, is placed in the ground.
[4.] Two young Oxford Scholars agreeing together to go into an Adjacent Warren to steal some Rabbets; one being to watch, and not to speak one word, and the other to Catch them. So they being come to the place, he that watch'd, cried out, Ecce Cuniculi multi; which noise frighted all the Rabbets into their Burrows, whereupon the other was very angry with him; Why, says he, who thought the Rabbets had understood Latin?
[4.] Two young Oxford students decided to sneak into a nearby warren to steal some rabbits; one was supposed to keep watch and not say a word, while the other was to catch them. When they arrived at the spot, the lookout shouted, Look at all the rabbits!; this noise scared all the rabbits back into their burrows, and the other was very angry with him. Why, he said, who thought the rabbits understood Latin?
[94.] A Gentleman that bore a spleen to another, meets him in the street, and gives him a Box on the Ear: The other, not willing to strike again, puts it off with a jest, asking him whether it was in jest or earnest? The other answers, It was in earnest: I am glad of that, said he, for if it had been in jest, I should have been very angry, for I do not like such jesting, and so pass'd away from him.
[94.] A guy who was really annoyed with another guy runs into him on the street and slaps him. The other guy, not wanting to retaliate, brushes it off with a joke, asking if it was a joke or serious. The first guy replies it was serious. The other guy says, "I'm glad to hear that, because if it had been a joke, I would have been really upset since I don’t like that kind of joking," and then walks away.
[103.] A Gentleman making Addresses of Love to a young Lady, often swore by his Soul that he would be very faithful to her, in keeping all the promises he had made; but however failing in some small Matters, she was afraid to venture on to a Marriage, lest he should deceive her in greater, which he perceiving, said they would pawn her Soul upon it. Ay, Sir, replyed the Lady, you must find out a better Pattern, for that has been dipt so often, theres nothing more to be lent upon.
[103.] A gentleman trying to win a young lady's heart often swore on his soul that he'd be very faithful to keep all the promises he made. However, when he failed in some minor matters, she was hesitant to risk marriage, worried he might deceive her in more significant ways. He, noticing her concern, suggested they could bet her soul on it. "Oh, sir," the lady replied, "you need to come up with a better example because that one has been used so often that there’s nothing left to wager."
[17.] A Gentleman stammering much in his speech, laid down a winning Card; and then said to his partner, Ho, sa, ay you now, was not this Ca-ca-card pa-a-ssing we-we-well la-a-aid? Yes, says t'other, 'twas well laid, but it needs not half that Cackling.
[17.] A gentleman who stuttered a lot laid down a winning card and then said to his partner, "Hey, you see now, wasn't this card played pretty well?" "Yes," replied the other, "it was played well, but it doesn't need all that cackling."
My Wife will be my Master:
or, The Married Man's Complaint about his
unruly Wife.
The Tune is, A Taylor is a Man.
The song is, A Taylor is a Man.
I heard a man complaining,
I heard a guy complaining,
With that I drew me near to him,
With that, I moved closer to him,
to know the cause and meaning
to understand the reason and significance
Of this his sorrow, pain and grief,
Of his sadness, pain, and grief,
which bred him such disaster;
which caused him such disaster;
Alas, quoth he, what shall I do,
Alas, he said, what should I do,
my wife will be my master.
my wife will be my master.
But if ever I am a Widdower,
But if I ever become a widower,
and another wife do marry,
and another wife gets married,
I mean to keep her poor and bare,
I plan to keep her poor and without anything,
and the purse I mean to carry.
and the bag I plan to take.
If I should give her forty pound,
If I were to give her forty pounds,
within her apron folding,
in her apron folds,
No longer then she's telling on't,
No longer than she's mentioning it,
her tongue would ne'r leave scolding,
her tongue would never stop scolding,
As Esops Dog barkt at the Moon
As Esops Dog barks at the Moon
thinking for to distast her,
thinking to disgust her,
So doth my wife scold without cause
So my wife nags for no reason
and strives to be my master.
and attempts to be my master.
But if ever &c
But if ever &c.
Were I so strong as Hercules,
If I were as strong as Hercules,
or wiser than Apollo,
or wiser than Apollo,
Or had I Icarus wings to flye,
Or had I Icarus wings to fly,
my wife would after follow:
my wife would follow after:
Or should I live as many years
Or should I live for many years
as ever did King Nestor,
as always did King Nestor,
Yet do I greatly stand in fear
But I'm really scared
my wife would be my Master.
my wife would be my master.
But if ever &c
But if ever & etc.
I know no cause nor reason why,
I don't know any cause or reason why,
that she with me should jangle,
that she should argue with me,
I never gave her cause at all
I never gave her a reason at all.
to make her with me wrangle;
to make her argue with me;
I please her still in what I may,
I still please her in whatever way I can,
and do no jot distast her,
and don't dismiss her,
Yet she doth strive both night and day
Yet she strives both night and day
always to be my Master.
always my Master.
But if ever &c
But if ever, etc.
I every morning make a fire,
I make a fire every morning,
all which is done to ease her
all that is done to ease her
I get a Nutmeg, make a toast,
I grab a Nutmeg and raise a toast,
in hope therewith to please her:
in the hope of pleasing her:
Of a Cup of nappy ale and spice,
Of a cup of dark ale and spice,
of which she is first taster,
of which she is the first taster,
And yet this cros-grain'd quean will scold
And yet this stubborn woman will complain
and strive to be my Master.
and aim to be my Master.
But if ever &c
But if ever &c.
I wash the dishes, sweep the house,
I wash the dishes, sweep the house,
I dress her wholsome dyet,
I prepare her wholesome diet,
I humour her in every thing,
I go along with her in everything,
because I would be quiet:
because I'd be quiet:
Of every several dish of meat,
Of every several dish of meat,
she'l surely be first taster,
she'll surely be the first taster,
And I am glad to pick the bones,
And I'm happy to sift through the details,
She is so much my Master.
She's really my Master.
But if ever &c
But if ever, etc.
Sometimes she'l sit while day gives light,
Sometimes she'll sit while day brings light,
in company with good fellows,
with good friends,
In Taverns and in bowsing Kens,
In taverns and in lounging inns,
or in some pimping Ale house:
or in a sketchy bar:
And when she comes home drunk at night,
And when she gets home drunk at night,
though I do not distast her,
though I do not dislike her,
She'l fling, she'l throw, she'l scratch and bite,
She'll throw, she'll fling, she'll scratch and bite,
and strive to be my Master.
and work to be my Master.
But if ever &c
But if ever, etc.
Her bed I make both soft and fine,
Her bed I make both cozy and nice,
and put on smock compleatly,
and put on the smock completely,
Her shooes and stockings I pull off,
Her shoes and stockings I take off,
and lay her down most neatly:
and lay her down very carefully:
I cover her, and keep her warm
I cover her up and keep her warm.
for fear I should distast her,
for fear I might offend her,
I hug her kindly in my arms,
I embrace her warmly in my arms,
Yet still She'l be my Master.
Yet still she'll be my master.
But if ever &c
But if ever &c
And when I am with her in bed
And when I'm with her in bed
she doth not use me well sir,
she doesn't treat me well, sir,
She'l wring my nose, and pull my ears,
She'll pinch my nose and tug on my ears,
a pittiful case to tell sir;
a pitiful case to tell, sir;
And when I am with her in bed,
And when I'm in bed with her,
not meaning to molest her,
not intending to bother her,
She'l kick me out at the bed's feet,
She'll kick me out at the foot of the bed,
and so become my Master.
and so become my mentor.
But if ever &c
But if ever, etc.
And thus you hear how cruelly
And so you hear how cruelly
my wife doth still abuse me,
my wife still treats me poorly,
At bed, at board, at noon and night
At home, at meals, at noon and night
she always did misuse me:
she always misused me:
But if I were a lusty Man
But if I were a passionate man
and able for to baste her,
and able to baste her,
Then would I surely use some means,
Then I would definitely find a way,
that she should not be my Master.
that she should not be my Master.
But if ever &c
But if ever &c
You Batchelors that sweet-hearts have,
You bachelors with sweethearts,
when as you are a Wooing,
when you're dating,
Be sure you look before you leap,
Be sure to think before you act,
for fear of your undoing:
for fear of your downfall:
The after wit is not the best,
The afterthought isn't the best,
and he that weds in hast sir,
and he who marries in haste, sir,
May like to me, bewail his case,
May like to me, bewail his case,
if his wife do prove his Master.
if his wife does prove his Master.
But if ever &c
But if ever & etc.
You Married Men that have good wives,
You married men who have good wives,
I wish you deal well by them,
I hope you treat them well,
For they more precious are than Gold,
For they are more valuable than gold,
if once you come to try them:
if you ever decide to try them:
A good wife makes a husband glad,
A good wife makes her husband happy,
then let him not distast her,
then let him not disdain her,
But a Scold will make a man run mad,
But a nagging person will drive a man crazy,
if once she proves his Master.
if she once proves to be his Master.
But if ever &c
But if ever, etc.
Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere,211 J. Wright, J.
Clarke, W. Thackeray,
and T. Passinger.
Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere,211 J. Wright, J. Clarke, W. Thackeray,
and T. Passinger.
211 Published from 1648 to 1680.
[93.] There was some halfe dozen of Citizens, that had oftentimes beene solliciters to George (Peele), he being a Master of Art at the Universitie of Oxford, that hee would ride with them to the Commencement, it being at Midsomer. George, willing to pleasure the Gentlemen his friends, rode along with them. When they had rode the better part of the way, they [pg 340] baited at a village called Stoken, five miles from Wickham; good cheere was bespoken for dinner, and frolicke was the company, all but George, who could not be in that pleasant vaine that did ordinarilie possess him, by reason he was without mony: but he had not fetcht fortie turnes about the Chamber, before his noddle had entertained a conceit how to money himself with credit, and yet glean it from some one of the Company. There was among them one excellent Asse, a fellow that did nothing but friske up and down the Chamber, that his money might bee heard chide in his pocket: this fellow had George observed, and secretly convay'd his gilt Rapier and Dagger into another Chamber, and there closely hid it: that done, he called up the Tapster, and upon his cloake borrowes 5 shillings for an houre or so, till his man came, (as he could fashion it well enough:) so much money he had, and then who more merry than George! Meate was brought up, they set themselves to dinner, all full of mirth, especially my little foole, who dranke not of the conclusion of their feast: dinner ended, much prattle past, every man begins to buckle to his furniture: among whom this Hichcock missed his Rapier: at which all the Company were in a maze; he, besides his wits, for he had borrowed it of a speciall friend of his, and swore he had rather spend twenty Nobles. This is strange, quoth George, it should be gone in this fashion, none beeing heere but our selves, and the fellowes of the house, who were examined, but no Rapier could be heard of: but George in a pittifull chafe, swore it should cost him fortie shillings, but hee would know what was become of it, if Art could do it; and with that he caused the Oastler to saddle his Nag, for George would ride to a Scholler, a friend of his, that had skill in such matters. O, good M. Peele, quoth the fellow, want no money, heere is forty shillings, see what you can doe, and, if you please, I'le ride along with you. Not so, quoth George, taking his fortie shillings, I'le ride alone, and be you as merry as you can till my returne. So George left them, and rode directly to Oxford; there he acquaints a friend of his with all the circumstances, who presently tooke Horse, and rode along with him to laugh at the Jest. When they came backe, George tels them he has brought one of the [pg 341] rarest men in England: whom they with much complement bid welcome. He, after a distracted countenance, and strange words, takes this Bulfinch by the wrist, and carried him into the privy, and there willed him to put in his head, but while he had written his name and told forty: which he willingly did: that done, the Scholler asked him what he saw? By my faith, sir, I smelt a villainous sent, but I saw nothing. Then I have, quoth he, and with that directed him where his Rapier was: saying, it is just North East, inclosed in Wood, neere the earth: for which they all made diligent search, till George who had hid it under a settle, found it, to the comfort of the fellow, the joy of the Company, and the eternall credit of his friend, who was entertained with Wine and Sugar; and George redeemed his Cloake, rode merrily to Oxford, having Coine in his pocket, where this Loach spares not for any expence, for the good fortune he had in the happy finding of his Rapier.
[93.] There were about six citizens who had often asked George (PeeleGeorge, eager to please his gentleman friends, rode along with them. After traveling most of the way, they stopped at a village called Stoken, five miles from Wickham; a nice dinner was ordered, and the atmosphere was lively, except for George, who couldn't join in the usual fun because he had no money. But he had barely paced around the room forty times before he conceived a plan to financially benefit himself while borrowing from someone in the group. There was one particularly foolish guy among them, a fellow who strutted around the room just to make his money rattle in his pocket. George noticed this guy and secretly took his gilded rapier and dagger to another room, where he hid them away. Once that was done, he summoned the innkeeper and borrowed five shillings on his cloak for about an hour until his servant arrived (or so he convincingly claimed). With that money, he was in great spirits! Food was served, and they all sat down to dinner, full of joy, especially my little fool, who didn’t eat from the end of their feast. After dinner, with a lot of chatter, everyone began to gather their things; among them, this Hitchcock realized his rapier was missing, leaving the entire group stunned; he, besides himself, because he had borrowed it from a close friend and swore he would rather spend twenty nobles than lose it. “It's strange,” George said, “that it should disappear like this, with no one here but ourselves and the inn’s staff,” who were interrogated, but the rapier could not be found. In a state of distress, George swore it would cost him forty shillings to discover its whereabouts if it could be done; with that, he instructed the stableman to saddle his horse, as George intended to ride to a scholar friend of his who was skilled in such matters. “Oh, good Mr. Peele,” said the man, “Don’t worry about money, here’s forty shillings. See what you can do, and if you’d like, I’ll ride along with you.” “No,” George replied, taking the forty shillings, “I’ll ride alone, and you all have as much fun as you can while I’m gone.” So George left them and headed straight to Oxford; there, he filled a friend in on all that had happened, who immediately got on his horse and rode with him to enjoy the joke. When they returned, George told them he had brought one of the rarest men in England, whom they welcomed with much fanfare. With a distracted expression and strange words, he took this Bulfinch by the wrist and led him to the restroom, telling him to poke his head in while he wrote his name and counted to forty, which he willingly did. When finished, the scholar asked him what he saw. “By my faith, sir, I smelled a terrible odor, but I saw nothing.” “Then I have,” he replied, and pointed out where his rapier was, saying, “It is just northeast, hidden in the wood, near the ground.” They all searched diligently until George, who had hidden it under a bench, found it, much to the relief of the fellow, the joy of the company, and the eternal gratitude of his friend, who was treated to wine and sugar; and George reclaimed his cloak and rode joyfully back to Oxford, with money in his pocket, as this guy didn’t hold back on expenses for the good fortune he enjoyed in finding his rapier.
[94.] One said the Midwifes Trade, of all Trades, was most commendable, because they lived not by the hurts of other men as Surgeons do; nor by the falling out of friends, as Lawyers do; but by the agreement betwixt party and party.
[94.] One said that the profession of midwifery, more than any other, was the most commendable because they did not benefit from the suffering of others like surgeons do, nor from the disputes between friends like lawyers do, but from the mutual agreement between parties.
[105.] On a time Scogin did send Jacke to Oxford to market, to buy a penny worth of fresh herring. Scogin said, bring foure herrings for a penny, or else bring none. Jack could not get foure herrings but three for his penny; and when he came home, Scogin said, how many herrings hast thou brought? and Jacke said, three herrings, for I could not get foure for a penny. Scogin said he would none of them: Sir, said Jacke, then will I, and here is your penny againe. When dinner time was come then Jack did set bread and butter before his Master, and rosted his herrings, and sate downe at the lower end of the table and did eate the herrings. Scogin said, let mee have one of thy herrings, and thou shalt have another of mee another time. Jacke said, if you will have one herring, it shall cost you a penny. What, said Scogin, thou will not take it on thy Conscience: Jacke said, my conscience is such, that you get not a morsell here, except I have my penny again. [pg 342] Thus contending together, Jacke had made an end of his herrings: A Master of Arts of Oxford, one of Scogins fellowes, did come to see Scogin, and when Scogin had espied him, hee said to Jacke, set up the bones of the herrings before me: sir, said Jacke, they shall cost you a penny. Then said Scogin, what, wilt thou shame me? No, sir, said Jacke, give me my penny again, and you shal have up the bones, or else I will tell all. Scogin then cast down a penny to Jacke, and Jacke brought up to Scogin the herring bones: and by this time the Master of Arts did come in to Scogin, and Scogin bad him welcome, saying, if you had come sooner you should have had fresh herrings to dinner.
[105.] Once, Scogin sent Jack to Oxford to shop for a penny's worth of fresh herring. Scogin insisted on getting four herrings for a penny, or none at all. Jack could only manage to buy three for his penny; when he returned home, Scogin asked, how many herrings did you bring? Jack replied, three herrings, since I couldn’t get four for a penny. Scogin said he didn’t want any of them. Jack replied, if that’s the case, then I will keep them, and here’s your penny back. When dinner time came, Jack put bread and butter in front of his master, roasted the herring, and sat down at the end of the table to eat. Scogin said, let me have one of your herrings, and I’ll give you another one another time. Jack said, if you want one herring, it will cost you a penny. What? Scogin exclaimed, you won’t give it to me out of the goodness of your heart? Jack replied, my conscience tells me that you won't get a bite here unless I get my penny back. [pg 342] As they argued, Jack finished his herring. A Master of Arts from Oxford, one of Scogin's friends, came to visit, and when Scogin spotted him, he said to Jack, put the fish bones in front of me. Jack responded, those will cost you a penny. Scogin then asked, what, are you trying to embarrass me? No, sir, Jack replied, give me my penny back and I’ll bring you the bones, or else I’ll tell everyone. Scogin dropped a penny to Jack, who then brought the herring bones to him. By that time, the Master of Arts had entered to see Scogin, who welcomed him, saying, if you had come earlier, you would’ve had fresh herring for dinner.
[26.] A confident bold Fellow at a Nisi prius in the Country, having a Trial then in Law, and fearing that the Trial would go against him, said to the Judge, My Lord, I do not desire your Sentence now, but only your Opinion at the present; and I will wait upon your Lordship for Judgment at some other time. Well, says the Judge, if you'd only have my Opinion now, why then my Opinion is, That if you had had Judgment to be hang'd seven years ago, the Country would have been more quiet than it is now. Well, my Lord, says he, if this be your Opinion, then your Judgement and mine doth not suit at all, so that I'le have nothing to do with you, but go to another Judge.
[26.] A confident, bold guy at a Nisi prius in the country, facing a trial in court and worried that he might lose, said to the judge, "Your Honor, I don't want your sentence right now, just your opinion for now; I'll come back for your judgment later." The judge replied, "Well, if you just want my opinion now, then my opinion is that if you had been sentenced to hang seven years ago, the country would be a lot more peaceful than it is now." The guy responded, "Well, if that’s your opinion, then your judgment and mine don’t match at all, so I’ll just find another judge."
Poor Robin's Prophesie,
or
The merry Conceited Fortune-Teller.
Although the Poet makes no large Apology,
Although the Poet doesn't make a big deal about it,
Some insight he may have into Ass-trology,
Some insight he may have into astrology,
Then buy this Song, and give your Judgment of it,
Then buy this song and share your thoughts on it,
And then perhaps you'l say he's a Small Prophet
And then maybe you'll say he's a Minor Prophet.
For he can tell when things will come to pass,
For he can predict when things will happen,
That you will say is strange as ever was.
That you will say is as strange as ever.
"With Allowance. Ro. L'Estrange.213
Or to see the world turn'd topsie turvy e're long,
Or to see the world turned upside down before long,
Come give good attention unto these my Rhimes,
Come pay close attention to these my rhymes,
And never complain of the hardness of times,
And never complain about how tough things are,
For all will be mended, by this you may find,
For everything will be fixed, and you might discover,
And Golden days come, when the Devil is blind.
And golden days arrive when the Devil can't see.
And first for the Shopkeeper, this I can tell,
And first for the Shopkeeper, this I can tell,
That after long trusting, all things will be well,
That after a long time of trusting, everything will be okay,
The Gallant will pay him, what ever's his due
The Gallant will pay him whatever he’s owed.
And make him rejoyce when he finds it is true:
And let him rejoice when he finds out it's true:
False weights, & false measures, he then will not mind,
False weights and false measures, he won't care about then,
But honest will prove, when the Devil is blind.
But honesty will show when the Devil is blind.
The Country Client that comes up to Term,
The Country Client that reaches Term,
Likewise from this subject, good news he may learn,
Likewise from this topic, he might learn some good news,
A benefit which he shall never more leese
A benefit that he will never lose again.
For Lawyers hereafter will plead without Fees:
For lawyers will now represent clients without charging fees:
You shall have Law freely, if you be inclin'd,
You can have the law freely if you want it.
Without any charge, when the Devil is blind.
Without any charge, when the Devil is blind.
The Usurer open his Coffers will throw,
The moneylender will open his coffers and throw,
And break all his Locks both above and below,
And break all his locks, both on top and below,
He'l burn all his Parchments, and cancel his Bands,
He'll burn all his papers and cancel his agreements,
And freely return all his Morgaged Lands;
And freely return all his mortgaged lands;
Young heirs will be glad for to see them so kind,
Young heirs will be happy to see them being so kind,
But that will not be till the Devil is blind.
But that won't happen until the Devil is blind.
The Learned Phisitian who valued his wealth,
The knowledgeable physician who valued his wealth,
Will now be more chary of all peoples health,
Will now be more careful about everyone's health,
And make it his business howe're he doth thrive,
And make it his concern however he does succeed,
To pussle his brains for to keep men alive:
To puzzle his mind in order to keep people alive:
Nor Mountebank Bills in the Streets you shall find,
Nor will you find Mountebank Bills in the Streets,
For they'l keep in their lies, when the Devil is Blind.
Because they'll stick to their lies, even when the Devil is blind.
Your Lady of pleasure that us'd for to rant,
Your Lady of pleasure who used to be so dramatic,
And Coach it about with her lusty Gallant,
And handle it with her lively lover,
Will then become modest, and find a new way
Will then become humble and discover a new path.
To live like a Nun in a Cloyster all day:
To live like a nun in a cloister all day:
Her Pride, and her painting she never will mind,
Her pride and her painting, she will never care about.
But seem like a Saint when the Devil is blind.
But act like a saint when the devil can't see.
Yea the Bullies themselves that did use for to rore,
Yea, the bullies themselves who used to roar,
And spent great estates in good wine and a w——
And spent a fortune on good wine and a w——
Shall leave off their gameing, and fairly take up,
Shall stop their gaming and honestly take up,
And scarcely will tast of the Grape half a Cup,
And barely will taste of the grape half a cup,
But leave good Canary, and Claret behind,
But leave good Canary and Claret behind,
Small Tipple to Drink, when the Devil is blind.
Small Drink to Enjoy, when the Devil is blind.
And venture abroad for no purchase, no pay,
And go out into the world without buying anything, no payment required,
Shall work for their livings, and find a new trade,
Shall work for their livelihoods and learn a new skill,
And never more travel like Knights of the Blade;
And never travel again like the Knights of the Blade;
Let Newgate stand empty, and then you will find
Let Newgate stay empty, and then you will find
All this will prove true, when the Devil is blind.
All this will prove true when the Devil is blind.
All Trades men will strive for to help one another,
All tradespeople will work to support one another,
And friendly will be, like to Brother and Brother,
And they will be friendly, just like brothers.
And keep up their prices that money may flow,
And keep their prices up so that money can flow,
Their charge to maintain and to pay what they owe:
Their responsibility to keep up with and pay what they owe:
Then two of a trade shall agree, if you mind,
Then two people in the same profession will agree, if you think about it,
And all will be well when the Devil is blind.
And everything will be fine when the Devil is blind.
The Tapsters no more shall their Ticklers froth,
The Tapsters will no longer let their Ticklers froth,
No Coffee men blind us with their Ninny broth,
No Coffee guys fool us with their silly brew,
Full measures of liquor shall pass through the Land,
Full measures of liquor shall pass through the Land,
And men without money the same shall command;
And men without money will hold the same power;
You'l say 'tis a wonder when this you do find,
You'll say it's a wonder when you discover this,
And that you will sure when the Devil is blind.
And you’ll know for sure when the Devil is blind.
Not onely the City shall find this welfare,
Not only will the City find this well-being,
But throughout the Country the same they shall share,
But across the country, they will share the same.
No cheating and couzening tricks shall be us'd,
No cheating or trickery shall be used,
For by such deceit we have all been abus'd;
For we have all been misled by such deceit;
Those men who of late with Duke Humphrey have din'd
Those men who recently dined with Duke Humphrey
With plenty shall flow, when the Devil is blind.
With plenty will come, when the Devil is blind.
Then let us be merry and frolick amain,
Then let’s be happy and have lots of fun,
Since the golden world is returning again,
Since the golden world is coming back again,
We shall be all Gallants, as sure as a Gun,
We will all be confident, that's for sure,
When this work is finisht that's hardly begun;
When this work is finished, it's barely started;
Then Poets in both pockets Guinneys216 shall find,
Then poets in both pockets of guineas216 will find,
And purchase estates when the Devil is blind.
And buy properties when the Devil is blind.
FINIS.
FINIS.
Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere, J. Wright and J. Clarke.
Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere, J. Wright, and J. Clarke.
213 Licensed from 1663 to 1685.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Licensed from 1663 to 1685.
215 Footpad.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Mugger.
216 Guineas were made from the gold from the West Coast of Africa, and were first coined in 1663, the African company having by charter the right of stamping an elephant on the coin.
216 Guineas were made from gold sourced from the West Coast of Africa and were first minted in 1663, with the African company holding the chartered right to stamp an elephant on the coin.
[110.] Evermore when Maister Hobson217 had any busines abroad, his prentices wold ether bee at the taverne, filling there heads with wine, or at the dagger in cheapeside, cramming their bellies with minced pyes, but above al other times, it was their common custome (as London prentises use) to follow their maisters upon Sundays to the Church dore, and then to leave them and hie unto the taverne, which Maister Hobson on a time perceving one of his men to doe, demanded at his comming home what the Preachers text was: Sir (quoth the fellow) I was not at the beginning; what was in the middle (quoth Maister Hobson) Sir, (qd the fellow) then was I asleepe: said Maister Hobson againe, what then was the conclusion? [pg 347] then Replyed his servant, I was come, Sir, away before the end; by which meanes he knew well he was not there, but rather in some tippling house offending Gods majesty, and the lawes of the land. Therefore the next Sunday morning after, Maister Hobson called all his servants together, and in the sight of many of his neighbors and their prentises, tooke a peece of chaulke, & chaulkd them all the way along to the Church derectly, which proved a great shame to his owne servants, but a good example to all others of like condition; after this was never the like mesdemenour used amongst them.
[110.] Ever since master Hobson217 had any business outside, his apprentices would either be at the tavern, filling their heads with wine, or at the butchers in Cheapside, stuffing themselves with meat pies. But above all other times, it was their usual habit (as London apprentices do) to follow their masters to the church door on Sundays and then ditch them to head to the tavern. One time, master Hobson noticed one of his men doing this and asked him what the preacher's text was when he came home. “Sir,” said the fellow, “I didn’t catch the beginning.” “What was in the middle?” asked master Hobson. “Sir,” replied the fellow, “then I was asleep.” Master Hobson pressed again, “What was the conclusion?” The servant responded, “I had already left, sir, before it ended,” which made it clear to master Hobson that the man was not at church but rather in some bar, disrespecting God's majesty and the laws of the land. Therefore, the next Sunday morning, master Hobson called all his servants together, and in front of many of his neighbors and their apprentices, took a piece of chalk and marked a direct line all the way to the church, which shamed his own servants but served as a good example to others in the same position. After that, such misconduct never happened again among them.
217 He must not be confounded with the Cambridge carrier, whose famous dictum has passed into a proverb, "Hobson's choice, that or none," that is, his inflexible rule was for his customer to take the horse he apportioned to him or go without. Our Hobson may be best described in the words of his editor:—"In the beginning of Queene Elizabeths most happy raigne, our late deceased Soveraigne, under whose peaceful government long flourished this our Country of England; There lived in the Citty of London, a merry Citizen named old Hobson, a haberdasher of small wares, dwelling at the lower end of cheapside, in the Poultry: as well known through this part of England, as a Sergeant knows the Counter-gate, he was a homely plaine man, most commonly wearing a button'd cap close to his eares, a short gowne girt hard about his middle, and a paire of slippers upon his feete of an ancient fashion; as for his wealth it was answerable to the better sort of our Cittizens, but of so mery a disposition, that his equal therein is hardly to be found; hereat let the pleasant disposed people laugh, and the more graver in Carriage take no exceptions, for here are merriments without hurt, and humorous jests savoring upon wisdome; read willingly, but scoffe not spitefully, for old Hobson spent his dayes merrily."
217 He shouldn't be confused with the Cambridge carrier, whose famous saying has become a proverb: "Hobson's choice, that or none." This means his strict rule was that his customers had to take the horse he assigned them or go without. Our Hobson can best be described in the words of his editor:—"At the beginning of Queen Elizabeth's most fortunate reign, our recently deceased Sovereign, under whose peaceful rule this country of England flourished for a long time; there lived in the City of London, a jovial citizen named old Hobson, a haberdasher of small goods, living at the lower end of Cheapside, in the Poultry: as well known in this part of England as a Sergeant is at the Counter-gate. He was an unassuming, down-to-earth man, typically wearing a buttoned cap snugly over his ears, a short gown tightly cinched at the waist, and a pair of old-fashioned slippers on his feet; as for his wealth, it was comparable to that of the more well-off citizens, but his cheerful disposition was so unique that it’s hard to find someone like him. Let the cheerful people laugh, and the more serious folks take no offense, for here we have merriment without harm, and funny jokes that carry a sense of wisdom; read gladly, but don’t scoff spitefully, for old Hobson spent his days joyfully."
[17.] One affirmed that he had seen a Cabbage so big, that Five hundred men on hors back might stand under its shade; and I for my part, says another, have seen a Caldron so wide, That Three hundred men wrought therein, each distant from the other twenty yards: Then the Cabbage-lyer ask'd him, For what use was that Caldron? Says he, To boil your Cabbage in.
[17.] One person claimed he had seen a cabbage so big that five hundred men on horseback could stand in its shade; and another guy said, I saw a cauldron so wide that three hundred men worked in it, each twenty yards apart. Then the cabbage exaggerator asked him, What was that cauldron used for? He replied, To boil your cabbage in.
[67.] A man excused ye beating of his wife, because she was his owne flesh, saying, may I not beat mine owne flesh? and she upon that excused ye scratching of him, saying, May I not scratch mine own head?
[67.] A man justified hitting his wife because she was his own flesh, saying, "Can I not hit my own flesh?" And she in turn justified scratching him, saying, "Can I not scratch my own head?"
That to the Alehouse friendly would resort,
That people would go to the pub,
To have a game at Tables now and than,
To play a game at the tables now and then,
Or drinke his pot, as soone as any man:
Or drink his beer just like any other guy:
As faire a gamster, and as free from brawl,
As fair a player, and as free from fights,
As ever man should need to play withall:
As everyone should need to play with:
Because his Hostesse pledg'd him not carouse,
Because his hostess promised him not to drink heavily,
Rashly in choller did forsweare her house.
Rashly, in anger, she swore off her home.
Taking the glasse, this was the oath he swore,
Taking the glass, this was the oath he swore,
Now by this drinke, I'le nere come hither more.
Now with this drink, I won't come here again.
But mightily his Hostesse did repent,
But his hostess felt remorseful,
For al her guests to the next Ale house went,
For all her guests, they went to the next alehouse,
Following their Vickars steps in everie thing:
Following their leaders in everything:
He led the Parish even by a string.
He led the parish with absolute control.
At length his ancient Hostesse did complaine
At last, his old hostess complained
She was undone unlesse he came againe.
She would be lost unless he came back again.
Desiring certain friends of hers and his,
Desiring specific friends of hers and his,
To use a pollicie, which should be this:
To use a policy, which should be this:
Because with cunning he should not forsweare him,
Because with cleverness he should not abandon him,
To save his oath, they on their backs might bear him.
To keep his promise, they could carry him on their backs.
Of this good course the Vicker well did thinke,
Of this good course, the Vicar thought well,
And so they alwayes carried him to drinke.
And so they always took him to drink.
[4.] The Lord Bacon going the Northern Circuit, a Fellow that was try'd for Robbing, was very importunate with the Judge to be favourable to him, telling him he was a kin to his Lordship: Why, how so? said the Judge. Why answered the Fellow, An't please your Lordship, your Name is Bacon, and my name is Hog, and those two are alike. 'Tis true, said the Judge; but you and I can't be kindred till you are Hang'd, for Hog is never good Bacon till 'tis Hang'd.
[4.] The Lord Bacon was on the Northern Circuit when a guy who was on trial for robbery pleaded with the Judge to show him some mercy, claiming he was related to him. “How’s that?” asked the Judge. “Well, if it pleases your Lordship,” the guy replied, “your last name is Bacon, and mine is Hog, so they’re similar.” “That’s true,” said the Judge, “but you and I can’t be family until you’re hanged, because Hog is never good Bacon until it’s hanged.”
[26.] Another Story was, That he being in a Low room, with some Gentlemen a drinking a bottle of Ale; he saw the Man of the House open a Bottle, and the Cork flew up with such a Violence, that it strook his Hat off his Head, and after that went through the Cieling of that Room and another Room above that, which was two pair of Stairs high, and kill'd a Man and his Wife as they lay in Bed, and from thence flew up into the Garret, and they could not get it out with a Hammer and Mallet.
[26.] Another story goes that he was in a low room, drinking a bottle of ale with some gentlemen. He saw the man of the house open a bottle, and the cork shot up so violently that it knocked his hat off his head. Then it went through the ceiling of the room and into the room above, which was two flights of stairs up, and killed a man and his wife as they lay in bed. It then flew up into the attic, and they couldn’t get it out with a hammer and mallet.
Sir, says another, to make good your Story, which I saw with my own Eyes, that being with some others in an upper Room, one was then opening a Bottle of Ale, and the Cork then flew up with such a violence thorow the Top of the House, that it broke the Cieling and Tiles also, and kill'd a Kite as he was flying just then over the House; and the hole was so big which the Cork had made, that down fell the Kite thorow the hole, and they, opening the Kite to see where she was wounded, found two great Chickens in her Belly, which they sold to pay for their Drink, and after that, would never drink in any other Room in that House: but I don't know that it ever hapned so agen; for these things, though there be truth in 'em, don't happen every day so.
"Sir," says another, "to back up your story, I saw it with my own eyes. I was in an upstairs room with some others when someone opened a bottle of ale, and the cork shot up with such force that it broke through the ceiling and tiles, killing a kite that happened to be flying over the house at that moment. The hole the cork made was so big that the kite fell right through it. When they opened up the kite to check where it was injured, they found two large chickens in its belly, which they sold to cover the cost of their drinks. After that, they never drank in any other room in that house. But I don’t know if that ever happened again; these things, even if true, don't happen every day."
[103.] A Woman very much addicted to Tipling, and having a Cup of a large size, out of which she usually drank, and in which she never left a drop, her Husband chid her for it, and said, It was not decent for a Woman to drink so great a quantity: She told him, that the Virgin Mary being at the bottom of the Cup, she could not but admire her beautiful Face: upon which he broke that Cup, and bought her another something less, with the Devil painted at the bottom of it; however, She always swallowed up all the Liquor in it; and being repremanded again by her Husband for her excessive Drinking: Oh, says she, I do it because the foul Fiend should not have one drop of it.
[103.] A woman who loved her drinks a little too much had a large cup that she always emptied completely. Her husband scolded her, saying it wasn't proper for a woman to drink so much. She replied that since the Virgin Mary was at the bottom of the cup, she couldn’t help but admire her beautiful face. So he broke that cup and bought her a slightly smaller one with the Devil painted at the bottom. Still, she managed to drink every drop from it. When her husband confronted her again about her excessive drinking, she said, “Oh, I do it so the foul Fiend doesn’t get a single drop.”
No Money, no Friend.
The Spendthrift he, when 'tis too late,
The Spendthrift does so when it's too late,
Laments his sad and Wretched state:
Laments his sad and miserable state:
And all good Men he doth advise,
And he advises all good men,
That they would Merry be and wise.
That they would be cheerful and wise.
| The Tune is | Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize. | All you that do desire to play |
| At Cards, to pass the time away. |
[111.]All you that freely spend your Coyn,
[111.]All of you who spend your money without a second thought,
Come learn by this advice of mine;
Come learn from my tips;
That you no more so play the Fool,
That you no longer act like a fool,
Nor Tipple in the Fuddling-School:
No Drinking in the Fuddling School:
For when that you have spent your store,
For when you have used up your supply,
Your Host will turn you out o' th door.
Your host will throw you out the door.
This by experience I do know,
I know this from experience,
Who too too lately found it so:
Who found it out too late:
Five hundred pound was left to me,
Five hundred pounds was left to me,
Which I consum'd immediately:
I consumed it right away:
And when my Money was all gone,
And when my money was all gone,
I like an Ass was lookt upon.
I like how an ass was looked at.
While I had Gold and Silver store,
While I had a gold and silver store,
I thought the world did me adore:
I thought the world adored me:
For then each false dissembling Curr,
For then every deceitful coward,
Would cry, your humble servant, Sir:
Would cry, your devoted servant, Sir:
But now my Money is all spent,
But now my money is all gone,
Too late, poor Fool, I do lament.
Too late, poor Fool, I feel sorry for you.
When I was in Prosperity,
When I was in Prosperity,
Each Tap-lach218 that I passed by:
Would cringe and bow, and swear to be
Would cringe and bow, and promise to be
My Servant to Eternity:
My Eternal Servant:
But now alas, my Money's gone,
But now, unfortunately, my money is gone,
And Servants I have never a one.
And I don’t have any servants.
But now if to their house I go,
But now if I go to their house,
E're drink they draw, they'l surely know
E'er drink they draw, they'll surely know
If that my Pocket it will speak,
If my pocket could talk,
Which is enough my heart to break:
Which is enough to break my heart:
If not, then he who was my friend,
If not, then the person who used to be my friend,
Out of the door soon will me send.
Out the door soon will send me.
Oh, what a dreadful thing is this,
Oh, what a terrible thing this is,
That I of all my Servants miss;
That I, of all my servants, miss;
And those who did me oft invite,
And those who often invited me,
To drink with them now do me slight:
To drink with them now seems trivial to me:
But if again I Money get,
But if I get money again,
I surely then shall have more wit.
I will definitely be smarter then.
Yet is not spending all the Crime,
Yet spending isn't the whole problem,
For idly then I spent my time,
For idle time, I passed my days,
And rather than Companions lack,
And instead of Companions missing,
I'de pick up every Idle Jack:
I'd pick up every idle Jack:
And he that would me Master call,
And he who wants to call me Master,
Should me command, my Purse and all.
Should you command, my purse and everything else.
The Hostis she would flatter then,
The Hostis she would flatter then,
And say I was a pretty Man:
And let's say I was a good-looking guy:
And this so tickled then mine ear,
And this really amused my ear,
That I my praise so oft did hear:
That I heard my praise so often:
Come hang't said I, giv's t'other Pot,
Come hang out, I said, give us the other pot,
And thus I feasted every Sot.
And so I celebrated every fool.
At last I had no Money left,
At last, I had no money left,
And then was I of joys bereft;
And then I was deprived of joy;
My Host and Hostis they did frown,
My hosts frowned,
And said I was a Drunken Clown:
And said I was a Drunk Clown:
So then was I dispis'd by all,
So then I was rejected by everyone,
That me before did Master call.
That person used to call me Master.
From street to street as I did pass,
From street to street as I walked,
Folks cry'd, there goes a Drunken Ass,
Folks shouted, there goes a drunken idiot,
Who not long since had Money store,
Who not long ago had a pile of cash,
But now no Creature is more poor:
But now no creature is poorer:
For Pots and Pipes made him so low,
For pots and pipes brought him so low,
That like a Beggar he doth go.
That he goes around like a beggar.
Then who would pitty such a one,
Then who would pity someone like that?
Who could not keep himself alone,
Who couldn't be alone,
If Wife and Children he had had,
If he had had a wife and kids,
The case had then been far more sad:
The situation had become much more tragic:
But he no pitty doth deserve,
But he doesn't deserve any pity,
If for a bit of Bread he starve.
If he starves for a bit of bread.
This is the pitty I do find,
This is the pity I do find,
That when I had it was so kind,
That when I had it, it was so nice,
To him that said he was my friend,
To the one who claimed to be my friend,
I'de give him Wine and Money lend;
I'd give him wine and money to lend;
But now myself I have undone,
But now I've messed things up for myself,
My Company all men do shun.
My company is avoided by all men.
Let this my case a warning be,
Let my situation serve as a warning,
That none may play the Fool like me:
That no one should be foolish like I was:
A greater plague there cannot be,
A greater plague there cannot be,
Than falling from Prosperitie
Than falling from Prosperity
Into a state so deadly low,
Into a state so dangerously low,
Your nearest friends will not you know.
Your closest friends won't know you.
Account your Money as your friend,
Account your money as if it were your friend,
So shall you flourish to the end,
So you will thrive until the end,
But when you come of friends to borrow,
But when you come to borrow from friends,
It will but aggravate your sorrow:
It will only make your sadness worse:
To see how they will slight you then,
To see how they'll ignore you then,
And say you are the worst of men.
And say you are the worst of people.
Your Pot Companions will you slight,
Your Pot Companions will treat you poorly,
In whom they once did take delight,
In whom they once found joy,
And while your Money it doth last
As long as your money lasts
With Oaths they'l tye their friendship fast:
With oaths, they'll tie their friendship tight:
But when that you have wasted all,
But when you've lost it all,
Then from you will your Servants fall.
Then from you, your servants will fall.
Such servants you may have good store,
Such servants you might have plenty,
Who help to eat you out of door,
Who helps you out the door,
And by their drinking in Excess,
And by their heavy drinking,
Will help to make you Money less:
Will help you spend less money:
Then Young-men warning take by me,
Then young men take warning from me,
That of my Money was too free.
That of my money was too free.
This doth my Passion much provoke,
This really fuels my passion,
To think when I am like to Choake,
To think when I feel like Choake,
Those that I heretofore did feast,
Those that I have previously entertained,
They will not mind me in the least:
They won't mind me at all:
Nor make me drink, who once were proud,
Nor make me drink, who once was proud,
To drink with me to be allow'd.
To drink with me is to be allowed.
My Kindred and Relations near,
My close friends and family,
Who once did vow they lov'd me dear;
Who once promised that they loved me dearly;
Will know me not, but me despise,
Will not know me, but will despise me,
As loathsom to their scornful eyes:
As repulsive to their scornful gaze:
For without Money there's no Friend,
For without money, there's no friend,
And thus my Song in Woe doth End.
And so my song of sorrow comes to an end.
FINIS.
The End.
Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere, J. Wright, J. Clarke,
W. Thackeray,
and T. Passinger.
Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere, J. Wright, J. Clarke, W. Thackeray,
and T. Passinger.
218 Used as a term of contempt for a publican, taplash being very small beer, or the refuse of the casks.
218 Used as an insult for a pub owner, taplash refers to very small beer or the leftovers from the barrels.
[105.] Scogin on a time had two eggs to his breakefast, and Jacke his scholler should rost them, and as they were rosting, Scogin went to the fire to warme him, and as the eggs were rosting Jacke said, Sir, I can by sophistry prove that here be three Eggs. Let me see that, said Scogin. I shall tell you, sir, said Jacke: Is not here one? Yes, said Scogin. And is not here two, said Jacke? Yea, said Scogin, of that I am sure. Then Jacke did tell the first egge againe, saying, is not this the third? O said Scogin, Jacke thou art a good sophister. Wel, said Scogin, these two eggs shal serve me for my break fast, and take thou the third for thy labour, and for the herring that thou didst give mee the last day. So one goode turne doth aske another, and to deceive him that goeth about to deceive, is no deceit.
[105.] Scogin once had two eggs for breakfast, and Jacke, his student, was supposed to roast them. While the eggs were roasting, Scogin went to the fire to warm himself, and as the eggs cooked, Jacke said, "Sir, I can cleverly prove that there are three eggs here." "Show me," said Scogin. "Well, sir," said Jacke, "Is there not one here?" "Yes," said Scogin. "And is there not two?" said Jacke? "Yes," said Scogin, "I’m sure of that." Then Jacke pointed to the first egg again, saying, "Isn’t this the third?" "Oh," said Scogin, "Jacke, you’re a skilled trickster." "Well," said Scogin, "these two eggs will be enough for my breakfast, and you can have the third for your effort and for the herring you gave me the other day. So one good deed deserves another, and it's not deceit to trick someone who's trying to trick you."
[94.] A Gentleman Hawk'd in another mans ground, to which the surly owner shew'd himself angry; at which the Gentleman spet in his face. What is your reason for that? said the Farmer. I cry you mercy, said the Gentleman, I gave you warning, for I hawked before I spet.
[94.] A gentleman was hunting on someone else's land, which upset the grumpy owner. In return, the gentleman spat in his face. "What was that for?" the farmer asked. "My apologies," the gentleman replied, "but I warned you—I was hunting before I spat."
[67.] A Scholar traveyling, and having noe money, call'd at an Alehouse, and ask'd for a penny loafe, then gave his hostesse it againe, for a pot of ale; and having drunke it of, was going away. The woman demanded a penny of him. For what? saies he. Shee answers, for ye ale. Quoth hee, I gave you ye loafe for it. Then, said she, pay for ye loafe. Quoth hee, had you it not againe? which put ye woman to a non plus, that ye scholar went free away.
[67.] A scholar was traveling and having no money stopped at an alehouse, asking for a penny loaf. He then gave it back to the hostess in exchange for a pint of ale. After drinking it, he tried to leave. The woman asked him for a penny. "For what?" he replied. She answered, "For the ale." He said, "I gave you the loaf for that." Then she replied, "Pay for the loaf." He asked, "Didn't you give it back to me?" This left the woman speechless, and the scholar managed to leave without paying.
[93.] George (Peele) lying at an old Widdowes house, and had gone on so farre on the Score, that his credit would stretch no further: for she had made a vow not to depart with drinke or victuals without ready money. Which George seeing the fury of his froward Hostis, in griefe kept his Chamber; called to his Hostis and told her, she should understand that he was not without money, how poorely soever he appeared to her, and that my diet shall testifie: in the meane time, good Hostis, quoth he, send for such a friend of mine. Shee did: so his friend came: to whom George imparted his mind; the effect whereof was this, to pawne his Cloake, Hose and Doublet, unknowne to his Hostis: for, quoth George this seven nights doe I intend to keepe my bed. (Truly hee spake, for his intent was that the bed should not keepe him any longer). Away goes he to pawne his apparell; George bespeakes good cheere to supper, which was no shamble butcher stuffe, but according to the place; for, his Chamber being remote from the house, at the end of the Garden, his apparell being gone, it appeared to him as the Counter; therefore to comfort himselfe he dealt in Poultrie. His friend brought the money, supped with him: his Hostis hee very liberally payed, but cavelled with her at her unkindnesse: vowing that while he lay there, none should attend him but his friend. The Hostis reply'd, A God's name, she was well contented with it: so was George too: for none knew better than himselfe what he intended; but in briefe thus he used his kinde Hostis. After his Apparell and Money was gone, hee made bolde with the feather bed hee lay on, which his friend-ship convey'd away, having as villanous a Wolfe in his belly as George, though not altogether so wise; [pg 355] for that feather bed they devoured in two daies, feathers and all, which was no sooner digested, but away went the Coverlet, Sheetes and the Blancket; and at the last dinner, when George's good friend perceiving nothing left but the bed-cords, as the Devill would have it, straight came into his mind the fashion of a halter; the foolish kind knave would needs fetch a quart of sacke for his friend George; which Sacke to this day never saw Vintners Cellar; and so he left George in a cold chamber, a thin shirt, a ravished bed, no comfort left him, but the bare bones of deceased Capons. In this distresse, George bethought him what he might doe; nothing was left him; and as his eye wandred up and downe the empty Chamber, by chance he spied out an old Armour; at which sight George was the joyfullest man in Christendome; for the Armour of Achilles, that Ulysses and Ajax strove for, was not more precious to them, than this to him: for hee presently claps it upon his backe, the Halbert in his hand, the Moryon on his head, and so gets out the backe way, marches from Shorditch to Clarkenwell, to the no small wonder of those spectators that beheld him. Being arrived to the wished haven he would be, an old acquaintance of his furnished him with an old Sute and an old Cloake for his old Armour.
[93.] George (Peele) was staying at an old widow's house, and had gotten so deep into debt that he couldn't borrow anything more. She had made a vow not to give out food or drink without cash upfront. Seeing the anger of his difficult landlady, George stayed in his room, calling out to her to let her know that he wasn't broke, no matter how poor he seemed. He assured her that his eating habits would prove it. In the meantime, he asked her to send for a friend. She did, and his friend arrived. George shared his plan with him: to pawn his cloak, hose, and doublet without telling his landlady. "I intend to stay in bed for seven nights," he said. (He really meant that he wouldn't be in bed much longer). He went off to pawn his clothes, ordering a nice dinner which was far from cheap butcher meat, but fitting for the place. Since his room was far from the house, at the end of the garden, and with his clothes gone, it seemed like a prison to him, so he treated himself to some poultry. His friend brought the money and dined with him. He paid the landlady generously, but complained about her unkindness, swearing that while he was there, only his friend would take care of him. The landlady replied that, fine by her, she was happy with that arrangement, and George agreed, for he knew best what he was up to. So he kept using his kind landlady this way. After his clothes and money were gone, he made himself comfortable with the feather bed he was lying on, which his friend managed to take away too, having just as greedy an appetite as George, though not quite as clever. The two of them devoured that feather bed in two days, feathers and all, and as soon as it was gone, the coverlet, sheets, and blanket disappeared next. At their last dinner, when George's good friend noticed nothing left except the bed cords, and as luck would have it, he suddenly thought of a halter. The foolish man insisted on getting a quart of sack for his friend George, which sack never saw the inside of a wine cellar to this day. So, he left George in a cold room, in a thin shirt, with a stripped bed, and no comfort left except the bare bones of dead capons. In this distress, George thought about what he could do; nothing was left for him. As his eyes wandered around the empty room, he accidentally spotted some old armor. Upon seeing it, George was the happiest man in Christendom; for the armor of Achilles, that Ulysses and Ajax fought over, was nothing compared to this for him. He quickly put it on, grabbed a halberd, donned the morion on his head, and exited through the back, marching from Shoreditch to Clerkenwell, much to the astonishment of those who saw him. When he arrived at his intended destination, an old acquaintance provided him with an old suit and an old cloak to match his old armor.
Was mooved by his friends to make his will,
Was urged by his friends to make his will,
For they with one consent resolved all;
For they all agreed on everything;
He never more would see Westminster Hall.
He would never see Westminster Hall again.
Hee feeling in himselfe his end was neere,
He felt within himself that his end was near,
Unto their counsell did encline his eare;
Unto their advisor did he lend his ear;
And absolute gave all the wealth he had
And he gave away all the wealth he had.
To franticke persons, lunaticke and mad,
To frantic people, lunatics, and the insane,
To no man else he would a pennie give,
To no one else would he give a penny,
But only such as doe in Bedlem live.
But only those who live in Bedlam.
This caused his friends most strangely to admire,
This made his friends admire him in a really strange way,
And some of them his reason did require?
And did some of them need his reasoning?
Quoth he, my reason to you I'le reveale:
Quoth he, I will reveal my reasons to you:
That you may see with equitie I deale.
That you can see I deal fairly.
From mad mens hands I did my wealth receave,
From the hands of crazy people, I received my wealth,
Therefore that wealth to madmens hands I leave.
Therefore, I leave that wealth in the hands of the crazy.
[110.] Not farre from maister Hobsons house, there dwelled one of those cunning men, otherwise called fortune tellers, such cossoning219 companions, as at this day, (by their Crafts) make simple women beleeve how they can tell what husbands they shall have, how many children, how many sweetharts, and such like: if goods bee stole, who hath them, with promise to helpe them to their losses againe; with many other like deceiptfull elusions. To this wise man (as some termes him) goes maister Hobson, not to reap any benefit by his crafty cunning, but to make a Jest, and tryall of his experience, so, causing one of his servants to lead a masty220 dog after him, staying at the Cuning mans doore with the dog in his hand, up goes master Hobson to ye wise man, requesting his skil, for he had lost ten pound lately taken from him by theeves, but when and how he knew not well. The cunning man knowing maister Hobson to be one of his neighbors, and a man of a good reputation, fell (as he made showe) to conjuring and casting of figures, and after a few words of incantation, as his common use was, hee tooke a very large faire looking glasse, and bad Maister Hobson to looke in the same, but not to cast his eyes backward in any Case; the which hee did, and therein saw the picture of a huge and large oxe with two broad hornes on his head, the which was no otherwise, but as hee had often deceitfully shewd to others, a cossoning fellow like the cunning man himselfe, clothed in an oxe hide, which fellow he maintained as his servant, to blinde the peoples eyes withall, and to make them beleeve hee could shew them the Divill at his pleasure in a glasse: this vision maister Hobson perceving, & gessing at the knavery thereof, gave a whistle for his dog, which then stayed below at the doore, in his man's keeping, which whistle being no sooner hard but the dog ran up the stayers to his maister, as hee had beene mad, and presently fastned upon the poor fellow in the oxe hide, and so tore him as it was pittifull to see. The Cunning man cried for the passion of God take off your dog. No, (quoth Maister Hobson) let the Divill and the Dogge fight, venture thou thy divill, and I will venture my dog. To conclude, the oxe hide was torne from the fellows backe, and so their knaveryes were discovered, and their cunning shifts layd open to the world.
[110.] Not far from Mr. Hobson's house lived one of those sly guys, otherwise known as fortune tellers, like the con artists today that (with their tricks) make naive women believe they can predict their future husbands, how many kids they'll have, how many lovers, and similar things. They also claim they can tell who stole goods and promise to help get their things back, along with many other deceptive tricks. To this wise man (as some call him) went Mr. Hobson, not to gain anything from his crafty skills, but to make a joke and test his abilities. So, he had one of his servants bring a scruffy220 dog with him and waited at the fortune teller's door with the dog in hand. Mr. Hobson approached the so-called wise man, asking for his help because he had recently lost ten pounds to thieves, though he wasn’t sure when or how. The fortune teller, knowing Mr. Hobson was his neighbor and a reputable man, pretended to do some conjuring and figure casting. After a few words of incantation, as was his usual practice, he took a large, nice-looking mirror and told Mr. Hobson to look into it but to not glance back in any case. He did so and saw the image of a huge bull with two wide horns on its head, which was nothing more than a deceitful trick he had often used on others: a con man dressed in a bull hide that he kept as his servant to fool people into thinking he could show them the devil in a mirror at will. Mr. Hobson, realizing the trickery, whistled for his dog, which had been waiting at the door with his servant. As soon as the dog heard the whistle, he rushed up the stairs to his master as if he were mad and immediately attacked the poor guy in the bull hide, tearing at him brutally. The fortune teller shouted to God to take the dog away. “No,” replied Mr. Hobson, “let the devil and the dog fight; you gamble with your devil, and I’ll gamble with my dog.” In the end, the bull hide was ripped off the man’s back, and their schemes were exposed for all to see.
219 Cozening, cheating.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Scamming, deceiving.
220 Mastiff.
Mastiff.
[94.] A Country fellow going down Ludgate Hill, his heels by chance slipping from him, fell upon his Breech: one standing by, told him that London Streets were stout and scornful: It may be so, quoth he, yet I made them to kisse my Breech, as stout as they were.
[94.] A country guy walking down Ludgate Hill accidentally slipped and fell on his backside. Someone nearby told him that the London streets were tough and unforgiving. "That may be," he replied, "but I still made them kiss my backside, no matter how tough they were."
The London Ladies Vindication
of
Top-Knots:
With all the reasons she provides for continuing the same:
Also proving that men are just as proud as they are.
To the Tune of, Here I love, There I love: Or, The two English Travellers.
To the Tune of, Here I love, There I love: Or, The two English Travelers.
Licensed according to Order.
Licensed per Order.
[112.]Young Women and Damsels that love to go fine,
[112.]Young women and girls who love to dress up,
Come listen a while to this Ditty of mine,
Come listen for a bit to this song of mine,
In spight of all Poets, brave Girls, we will wear
In spite of all the poets, brave girls, we will wear
Our Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
Our Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
I am a young Woman, 'tis very well known,
I am a young woman, it's very well known,
And I am resolv'd to make use of my own,
And I am determined to make use of my own,
In spight of all Poets, brave Girls, we will wear
In spite of all the poets, brave girls, we will wear
A Tower and Top Knot, with Powdered Hair.
A Tower and Top Knot, with Powdered Hair.
They talk of a Calf which was seen in our dress,
They talk about a Calf that was seen in our outfit,
But let us take Courage, Girls, nevertheless.
But let's stay strong, girls, anyway.
In spight of those Rumours, we'll constantly wear
In spite of those rumors, we'll always wear
A Tower and Top Knot, and Powdered Hair.
A Tower and Top Knot, and Powdered Hair.
We are not such Fools to believe what they say,
We’re not that foolish to believe what they say,
'Tis fit that young Women should go fine and gay,
'Tis appropriate for young women to dress elegantly and brightly,
In spight of their Bugbears, brave Girls, let us wear,
In spite of their Bugbears, brave girls, let us wear,
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
Were we to be Ruled by some sort of Men,
Were we to be ruled by some kind of men,
We should go like Women of Fourscore and Ten,
We should go like women in their eighties,
In spight of those Cox combs, brave Girls, we will wear
In spite of those peacocks, brave girls, we will wear
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
Like Beautiful Angels we strive to appear,
Like beautiful angels, we aim to look our best,
The Hearts of our Husbands in order to cheer,
The Hearts of our Husbands to uplift,
Then what is the Reason that we may not wear
Then what is the reason that we can't wear
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
Rich towers and stylish updos, with powdered hair.
If we are the Pleasure and Joy of their Life,
If we are the happiness and joy of their life,
Pray when can they take more delight in a Wife,
Pray, when can they take more joy in a wife,
Then at the same time when rich Garments they wear,
Then at the same time they wear fancy clothes,
With Towers and Top Knots, and Powdered Hair.
With towers and top knots, and powdered hair.
We see the young Misses and Jilts of the Town,
We see the young ladies and flirts of the Town,
Have six Stories high, as they walk up and down,
Have six stories high, as they walk up and down,
Then pray tell me why should not honest Wives wear
Then please tell me why honest wives shouldn't wear
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
If we an't as Fine and as Gaudy as they,
If we aren't as fine and as showy as they are,
Who knows but our Husbands might soon run astray,
Who knows, maybe our husbands will start to stray soon,
Consider this, Women, and still let us wear
Consider this, Women, and still let us wear
Our Towers and Topknots, with Powdered Hair.
Our Towers and Topknots, with Powdered Hair.
It is but a Folly to tell us of Pride,
It is just foolish to talk about Pride,
While we have these Arguments still on our side;
While we still have these arguments on our side;
As long as we live we will flourishing wear
As long as we live, we will continue to thrive.
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
Nay further I'le tell ye the case it is thus,
Nay further, I'll tell you the case; it is like this,
That all is not sav'd which is put in the Purse;
That not everything saved is what's put in the purse;
A Shopkeepers Lady she utters much Ware
A shopkeeper's wife, she sells a lot of goods.
When drest in her Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
When dressed in her updos, with styled hair.
What Man would not have his Wife richly Array'd
What man wouldn't want his wife to be dressed elegantly?
When as he well knows it enlarges his Trade;
When he knows that it expands his business;
Come, come, I must tell ye, 'tis fit we should wear
Come on, I have to tell you, it's appropriate that we should wear
Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair.
Fancy Towers and High Hairstyles, with Styled Hair.
Sometimes when our Husbands are out of the way,
Sometimes when our husbands are away,
Pray tell me what huffing young Gallants will stay,
Pray tell me what arrogant young guys will stay,
If that a fine Delicate Wife were not there?
If a lovely, delicate wife weren't there?
Then Hey for the Top Knots, and Powdered Hair.
Then Hey for the Top Knots and Powdered Hair!
Some young-men may flout us, yet mark what I say,
Some young men might mock us, but pay attention to what I'm saying,
There's no Woman living, now Prowder than they;
There's no woman alive now prouder than they;
Observe but the many knick-knacks which they wear.
Observe the many trinkets they wear.
More Costly than Top Knots, or Powdered Hair.
More Expensive than Fancy Hairstyles or Styled Hair.
Their Wigg, Watch, and Rapiers we daily behold,
Their Wigg, Watch, and Rapiers we see every day,
And Embroidered Wastcoats of Silver and Gold;
And embroidered waistcoats made of silver and gold;
Likewise, Turn up Stockings, they constantly wear
Likewise, they always wear their stockings pulled up.
More Costly than Topknots, or Powdered Hair.
More Expensive than Fancy Hairstyles or Powdered Hair.
If Pride be a sin and a folly, why then
If pride is a sin and a mistake, then why
Han't we a far better Example from Men?
Haven't we a much better example from men?
If Gaudy Apparel those Gallants do wear,
If those stylish guys wear flashy clothes,
We will have our Top Knots and Powdered Hair.
We'll rock our top knots and powdered hair.
Printed for P. Brooksby, J. Deacon, J. Blare, J. Black.
Printed for P. Brooksby, J. Deacon, J. Blare, J. Black.
[103.] A Gentleman in a Town in Hartfordshire, being much in Debt, was oblig'd to keep House close, a Bailiff who had been promised a great reward to take that Gentleman, having made several attempts in vain to snap him, at last [pg 360] resolv'd upon one that he thought could not fail, so pretending himself in dispair, came by the Gentlemans Parlor Window, (which was next the Street, and where he sat Writing every Day) and pulling out of his Pocket a Halter, made a Nooze, and seemed as if he intended to Hang himself therewith; a Grindstone was before the Door, upon which he got up, and threw the Rope over a good Bough of the Tree, and fastned it, and then put his Head in, concluding the Gentleman would whip out, and so he should arrest him; but as the Devil would have it, the Grindstone which stood firm like a Rock for him to get up, tumbled down as soon as ever the Halter was about his Neck, the Innocent, Unwary Gentleman seeing what past, sallied out, to Cut the Rope, and save the Man; but the Bailiff's Follower lying in Ambuscade, snap'd the Gentleman as soon as ever he peept out, and carried him off, and let his Master hang; who carried the Jest too far, and when the Gentleman told the Bailiff's Follower that his Master would soon be Dead if he did not cut him down—Let him be D—— said he, I have got my Prize, and I shall have the Reward, and my Masters place too.
[103.] A man in a town in Hertfordshire, who was deep in debt, had to stay home a lot. A bailiff, who had been promised a big reward for capturing this man, had made several unsuccessful attempts to catch him. Finally, he decided on a plan he thought would work. Pretending to be in despair, he walked by the gentleman’s parlor window (which faced the street and where the gentleman sat writing every day) and took out a noose he made from a length of rope. He acted like he was going to hang himself there. There was a grindstone in front of the door that he climbed on, threw the rope over a sturdy tree branch, and tied it. He then put his head in the noose, thinking the gentleman would rush out to save him and that he could arrest him. But, as luck would have it, the grindstone he stood on, which had been steady as a rock, tipped over right as the noose was around his neck. The unsuspecting gentleman saw what was happening and rushed out to cut the rope and save the man. However, the bailiff's follower, who was lying in wait, seized the gentleman the moment he peered outside and took him away, leaving the bailiff hanging. The bailiff took the joke too far, and when the gentleman told the bailiff's follower that his master would die soon if he didn’t cut him down—"Let him be damned," the follower replied, "I’ve caught my prize, and I’ll get the reward, and my master’s position too."
[26.] A Man being very much diseas'd and weak, was bemoaning himself to his only Son, whom he lov'd very well. For, Jack, says he, if I stand, my Legs ake, if I kneel my Knees ake, if I go, my Feet ake, if I lie then my Back akes, if I sit my Hips ake, if I lean, my Elbows ake. Why truly, Father, says he, (like a good dutiful Child) I advise you, Father, to hang yourself an hour or two, and if that does not do, then come to me again.
[26.] A man, feeling very sick and weak, was complaining to his only son, whom he loved dearly. "Jack," he says, "if I stand, my legs hurt, if I kneel my knees hurt, if I walk my feet hurt, if I lie down my back hurts, if I sit my hips hurt, if I lean my elbows hurt." "Well, Dad," says Jack, (like a good and obedient child), "I suggest you hang yourself for an hour or two, and if that doesn't help, then come back to me."
[67.] A Scholer being at a Parson's house, stole a Pig; the Parson looking out at his window, spied him and said, Scholer, Scholer, I'le none of that. Noe more you shall, quoth ye Scholer, and ran away with it.
[67.] A student was at a parson's house and stole a pig; the parson, looking out of his window, saw him and said, "Student, student, I won't have any of that." "No more shall you," replied the student, and ran away with it.
[82.] A Nobleman of France (as hee was riding) met with a yeoman of the Country, to whom he said, My friend, I should know thee, I doe remember I have often seene thee: [pg 361] My good Lord, said the Countryman, I am one of your Honors poore tenants, and my name is T. I. I remember thee better now (said my Lord) there were two brothers of you, but one is dead, I pray which of you doth remaine alive.
[82.] A nobleman from France was riding when he ran into a local farmer. He said, "My friend, I should know you; I remember having seen you often." [pg 361] "My good Lord," the farmer responded, "I am one of your poor tenants, and my name is T. I." "I remember you better now," the nobleman said, "There were two brothers, but one has passed away. Which one is still alive?"
The aforesaid Nobleman having had a Harper that was blinde playing to him after supper, somewhat late, at last hee arose, and commanded one of his servants to light the Harper downe the staires: to whom the Serving man sayd, my Lord, the Harper is blind; thou ignorant knave, quoth my Lord, he hath the more need of light.
The mentioned nobleman had a blind harpist playing for him after dinner, and a bit later he got up and told one of his servants to guide the harpist down the stairs. The servant replied, "My Lord, the harpist is blind." To which the nobleman responded, "You foolish fool, he needs light even more."
[105.] When that Scogin had taught his scholler that hee with helpe might be Sub deacon, he said to him, thou shalt goe to take orders, and I will go with thee. And if thou dost stand in any doubt, take heed to my booke, and give an eare to me, and I will helpe thee as much as I can. When all they that should take orders, were come to oppositions, Scogin did come forth with his scholler. And the Ordinary did oppose him with a verse of the Psalter; which was this, Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum. Scogins scholler was blanke or amazed. Sir, said Scogin to the Ordinary, you shall understand that Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum, were unhappy fellowes, for they did trouble the children of Israel, and if they trouble my scholler, it is no marvell: but now I doe tell thee, my scholler, be not afraid of Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum, for I will stand beside to comfort thee, for Moab, Agareni &c can do thee no harm for they be dead. By reason that Scogin did so oft repeate these words, the scholler did reade this verse aforesaid: and through Scogins promise, the Ordinary was content that his scholler should take Orders, and be Sub deacon. After this when the orders were given againe, Scogin did speake to his schollers Father, to send in a letter three or foure peeces of gold. The Schollers Father was content so to doe; so that his son might be Deacon. Then said Scogin to his scholler, thou shalt deliver this letter to the Ordinary, when he doth sit in oppositions, and as soone as he feeleth the letter, he will perceive that I have sent him some money, and he will say to thee [pg 362] Quomodo valet magister tuus? that is to say, how doth thy Master? thou shalt say Bene: that is to say, well. Then will he say, Quid petis? What thing doest thou aske? Then thou shalt say, Diaconatum, to be a Deacon. Then the Ordinary will say, Es tu literatus? art thou learned? & thou shalt say Aliqualiter, somewhat. Now said Scogin, thou hast no more than three words to beare in mind in Latine, which is to say Bene, Diaconatum, and Aliqualiter. The father and the scholler were glad that by Scogins letters & the money he should be Deacon, & went to the oppositions, and delivered his letter with the money. The Ordinary perceiving money in the letter, said to the scholler. Quid petis? that is to say, what dost thou aske or desire? The scholler remembring Scogins words, that the first word was Bene, he said Bene, that is, well. When the Ordinary heard him say so, he said Quomodo valet Magister tuus? How doth thy Master? The scholler said, Diaconatum that is to say Deacon. The Ordinary did see he was a foole, & said, Tu es stultus, thou art a foole: the scholler said Aliqualiter, that is to say, somewhat. Nay, said the Ordinary not Aliqualiter, but Totaliter, a starke foole. Then the scholler was amazed, and said, sir, let me not goe home without mine Orders, and heere is another Angell of gold for you to drinke. Well, said the Ordinary, on that condition you will promise me to goe to your booke and learne, you shall bee Deacon at this time. Heere a man may see that money is better than learning.
[105.] When that Scogin had taught his student that he could become a subdeacon with some help, he told him, "You should go take orders, and I’ll go with you. If you feel uncertain about anything, pay attention to my book and listen to me, and I’ll help you as much as I can." When everyone who was supposed to take orders had gathered for the examination, Scogin stepped forward with his student. The Ordinary challenged him with a verse from the Psalms: Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum. Scogin's student was speechless or stunned. "Sir," said Scogin to the Ordinary, "you should know that Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum were troublemakers because they troubled the children of Israel, and if they trouble my student, it’s not surprising. But now I tell you, my student, don’t be afraid of Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum, because I will stand by you to comfort you, for Moab, Agareni, and others can’t harm you; they’re dead." Because Scogin repeated these words so often, the student finally recited the verse mentioned earlier. Thanks to Scogin's assurance, the Ordinary agreed that his student should take orders and become a subdeacon. Later, when the orders were issued again, Scogin asked the student's father to send a letter with three or four gold pieces. The student's father agreed, so that his son could become a deacon. Then Scogin told his student, "You need to give this letter to the Ordinary when he sits at the examination, and as soon as he feels the letter, he will realize that I’ve sent him some money, and he will ask you, [pg 362] Quomodo valet magister tuus? which means, how is your Master? You’ll reply Bene: that means, well. Then he will ask, Quid petis? What are you requesting? You’ll say, Diaconatum, to be a deacon. Then the Ordinary will ask, Es tu literatus? Are you learned? And you will respond Aliqualiter, somewhat. Now, Scogin said, you only need to remember three words in Latin: Bene, Diaconatum, and Aliqualiter. The father and the student were pleased that, thanks to Scogin's letter and the money, he would become a deacon, and they went to the examination and handed over the letter with the money. The Ordinary, seeing the money in the letter, asked the student, Quid petis? which means, what do you ask? Remembering Scogin's words, the first word was Bene, so he said Bene, which means well. When the Ordinary heard this, he asked, Quomodo valet Magister tuus? How is your Master? The student replied Diaconatum, meaning Deacon. The Ordinary realized he was a fool and said, Tu es stultus, you are a fool: the student then said Aliqualiter, which means somewhat. "No," said the Ordinary, "not Aliqualiter, but Totaliter, completely foolish." The student was stunned and said, "Sir, please don’t send me home without my orders, and here’s another gold angel for you to drink." "Well," said the Ordinary, "on the condition that you promise me to study and learn, you will become a deacon this time." Here one can see that money is better than learning.
[17.] In a wedding between a Gentleman of a great Family and no Wealth, and a Widdow of great Wealth; says one This is like a Black pudding; the one brought blood, and the other Suet and Oatmeal.
[17.] In a wedding between a man from a prominent family with no money and a wealthy widow; one person says, "This is like a black pudding; one contributes blood, and the other suet and oatmeal."
[110.] In the beginning of Queene Elizabeaths raigne, when the order of hanging out lanterne and Candlelight first of all was brought up; the bedell of the warde where Maister Hobson dwelt, in a darke evening crieing up and downe, hang out your lantornes; using no other words. Whereupon Maister Hobson tooke an empty lantorne, and according to the beadles call hung it out. This flout by the Lord Maior was taken in ill [pg 363] part, and for the same offence was sent to the counter; but being released, the next night following, the beadle thinking to amend his call, cried with a loud voice, hang out your lantorne and Candle. Maister Hobson hereupon hung out a lantorne and candle unlighted, as the beadle againe commanded, whereupon he was sent againe to the counter. But the next night the beadle being better advised, cryed, hang out your lantorne and candle light, hang out your lantorne and candle light, which maister Hobson at last did, to his great commendations, which cry of lanthorne and candle light is in right manner used to this day.
[110.] In the beginning of Queen Elizabeth's reign, when the practice of hanging out lanterns and candlelight was first introduced, the beadle of the ward where Mr. Hobson lived was shouting in the dark one evening, "Hang out your lanterns," using no other words. Following this, Mr. Hobson took an empty lantern and hung it out as the beadle instructed. This mockery by the Lord Mayor was taken badly, and for the same offense, he was sent to the counter. However, after being released, the next night the beadle, trying to correct his words, loudly announced, "Hang out your lantern and candle." Mr. Hobson then hung out a lantern and an unlit candle, following the beadle’s orders again, which resulted in him being sent back to the counter. But the next night, the beadle, more carefully, shouted, "Hang out your lantern and candlelight, hang out your lantern and candlelight," which Mr. Hobson finally did, gaining great praise for it. This call for lanterns and candlelight is still correctly used to this day.
[94.] One observ'd it to be a good fashion that was worn now a days, because the Taylors had so contrivd it, that there was little or no Waste in a whole Suit.
[94.] One noticed that the style worn these days was quite good, because the tailors had designed it in such a way that there was very little or no waste in an entire suit.
The illustration to this satire on drunkenness (which is dated September 1652) is indebted for its point to the foxes, it being then a cant term when a man was drunk to say he was foxed; the geese denote the foolish behaviour of men when under the influence of drink.
The illustration for this satire on drunkenness (dated September 1652) gets its meaning from the foxes, as it was a slang term back then to say a man was foxed when he was drunk; the geese represent the foolish behavior of men when they're under the influence of alcohol.
BARNABIE'S SUMMONS:
or,
Pay your Groat in the Morning.
[113.] Intended for all Malaga Men, called Vintners, Sack drawers, White wine, Claret, Rhenish, Bastard Sherry, or Canary Blades, and Birds, together with all Ale Brewers, Beer Brewers (alias) Hogshead fillers, Barrellers, Tapsters, or Firkinners: As also for all Drawers, Tub Tapsters, Quaffers, Huffers, Puffers, Snuffers, Rufflers, Scufflers, and Shufflers, with Wine bibbers, Sack suckers, and Toast makers; not forgetting other depending Officers of a lower Rank, of our stumbling Fraternity, viz Bench whistlers, Lick-wimbles, Suck spigots, Hawkers, Spewterers, Maudliners, Fox catchers, including in the said Warrant as a Reserve, our true and trusty Friends for the speedier effecting our designe and purpose, All [pg 364] Vulcans, Crispins, Tinkers, Pedlars, and of late our endeared friends, the Society of Upstart Printers, and Newes Mongers; and excluding by special command, all Three peny Ordinary Sharks, as Bakers, Weavers, Tailors, Usurers, Snip Eared Scriveners, Presbyters, either English, Scotch, or Dutch, (but stay there a little) for though the last of these be good for nothing else, yet they are stout Drinkers and Drunkards; and therefore if they please to tiple as formerly they have done, and must doe now, they shall have the benefit of this our Warrant, provided they neither drink all, nor too much; our Warrant for the generall content of all Bonos Socios is set out in maner and forme following, that all whom it may concern (as it does too many) may, if they can stand, understand it.
[113.] Intended for all Malaga Men, referred to as Vintners, Sack drawers, White wine lovers, Claret drinkers, Rhenish fans, Bastard Sherry enthusiasts, or Canary Blades, and Birds, along with all Ale Brewers, Beer Brewers (also known as) Hogshead fillers, Barrel makers, Tapsters, or Firkinners: Also for all Drawers, Tub Tapsters, Quaffers, Huffers, Puffers, Snuffers, Rufflers, Scufflers, and Shufflers, including Wine bibbers, Sack suckers, and Toast makers; not forgetting other lower-ranked members of our stumbling Fraternity, such as Bench whistlers, Lick-wimbles, Suck spigots, Hawkers, Spewterers, Maudliners, Fox catchers, and as a Reserve in this Warrant, our true and trusty Friends to help achieve our goals, All [pg 364] Vulcans, Crispins, Tinkers, Pedlars, and recently our dear friends, the Society of Upstart Printers and News Mongers; and by special command, excluding all Three-penny Ordinary Sharks, such as Bakers, Weavers, Tailors, Usurers, Snip Eared Scriveners, and Presbyters, whether English, Scottish, or Dutch, (but wait a moment) for although the last of these may be good for nothing else, they are strong Drinkers and Drunkards; and so, if they want to drink as they used to, they are welcome to this our Warrant, provided they don’t drink it all or too much; our Warrant for the general satisfaction of all Fan Membership is presented in the following manner, so that all concerned (and there are too many) may, if they can stand, understand it.
Gently, good Cozen. Execute your Warrant. Beware your Geese.
Chill out, dear Cousin. Follow your orders. Watch your geese.
The WARRANT.
Know all men by these presents, that we, Sir Resolute Rednose, of the Town of Taplow, in the County of Cumberland, with our dear and trusty Cosins Sir Ferdinando Fiery Face, Lord Sigismund Ruby Nose, together with our associates and fellow Commissioners, Sir William Swill-boule, Sir Gregory Toss-pot, Sir Thomas Spend-all, Sir Alexander Dry lips, Sir Lewis Lick-Spiggot, Edward Barley, Thomas Maltster, Richard Brewer, and Geffery Tapster Esquires &c. By vertue of a Mandamus, or a fieri facias, issued unto us from the great [pg 365] Wine Cellar in Bacchus Prerogative Court, near to Stumbling Alley, from the Lord James Fill-Pot, and Signeur Jeronymo Tap-lash, do Enact, appoint, and ordaine, that any and every person, male or female, of what Countrey soever, being taken so drunk, that they are without wit, sence, or reason, shall forthwith pay to the under Officers herein named, viz, to John Bottle nose, William Suck-all, Gerard Turn-Tub, and Jenkin ap Morgan of Ale-ton, or to their Deputy, or Deputies, the full and just sum of 4d without any resistance or delay upon the next Morning; but in case of any of the Delinquents in the Premises, shall be so ingenuous as to confesse their fault without distraining, that then this Penalty shall not exceed above 2d. But in case the parties are resolved to ride the old ridden Jade called Cut, or a Dog of the same Haire221 next morning, without any remorse, and will presume to hunt the Fox againe, that then our said Bayliffs, and Deputies are forthwith either to joyne with them, or else to suspend the execution of this our said Warrant, till he or they may be sober, which is much feared will not quickly be effected; and therefore, for the better and surer progresse herein, that Justice may be the sooner executed, we enjoyn all Constables of Burroughs and Parishes as well high as Petty, to be assisting to this our merry Warrant, and do desire them if they or any of their substitute Officers can find leasure from sleep, or their nodding benches, to examine the Premises and Persons, to shew due respects unto them, considering well that the case and cause not only hath been their own, but suddenly and shortly will be again, as soon as they can either meet with merry Company or good moneys. Hereof they or any of them are not to faile at their utmost perils.
Know all people by these presents, that we, Sir Resolute Rednose, of the Town of Taplow, in the County of Cumberland, along with our dear and trusty cousins Sir Ferdinando Fiery Face, Lord Sigismund Ruby Nose, together with our associates and fellow Commissioners, Sir William Swill-boule, Sir Gregory Toss-pot, Sir Thomas Spend-all, Sir Alexander Dry lips, Sir Lewis Lick-Spiggot, Edward Barley, Thomas Maltster, Richard Brewer, and Geffery Tapster Esquires & etc. By virtue of a Mandamus, or a fieri facias, issued to us from the great [pg 365] Wine Cellar in Bacchus Prerogative Court, near Stumbling Alley, from the Lord James Fill-Pot, and Signeur Jeronymo Tap-lash, do enact, appoint, and ordain, that any and every person, male or female, from any country, who is found so drunk that they lack wit, sense, or reason, shall immediately pay to the appointed officers named herein, namely, to John Bottle nose, William Suck-all, Gerard Turn-Tub, and Jenkin ap Morgan of Ale-ton, or to their Deputy or Deputies, the full and exact sum of 4d without any resistance or delay by the next morning; but if any of the offenders in this matter are candid enough to admit their fault without coercion, then this penalty shall not exceed 2d. However, if the parties choose to continue their poor behavior the next morning without any guilt and attempt to indulge again, then our named Bailiffs and Deputies must either join them or delay the execution of this warrant until they may be sober, which is much feared will not happen quickly; and therefore, to ensure a better and faster process, we direct all Constables of Boroughs and Parishes, both high and petty, to assist with this cheerful warrant, and we request that they, if they or any of their substitute officers can find time away from sleep or their nodding benches, examine the situation and individuals, showing them due respect, considering well that the situation not only has been their own but will soon be again, as soon as they can encounter lively company or good times. They are not to fail in this at their utmost peril.
To all Constables, Head boroughs, and other petty Officers, and stout Drinkers, whom this specially concernes.
To all Constables, Head Boroughs, and other minor officers, and heavy drinkers, who this especially concerns.
Given at our Mannour of Flushing in the Full Moone Tavern at Sun rising
Given at our Manor of Flushing in the Full Moon Tavern at sunrise
Anno 155432.
Year 155432.
Upon the last day of the first of March.
Upon the last day of March first.
Ut Supra.
See above.
221 Sic in orig.
[26.] One told a Story (which he swore was of certain as you know all these things are,) For, says he, I was riding to Saint Albans, and riding through a Lane, that was of stiff Clay, as I was galloping, my Horses foot sticking in, pluckt off shoe and hooff too, and so I gallopt on for three or four Miles; and my horse never complained, that I never saw a horse gallop so well on three legs in my life; at length he began to limp, then I lighted to see what he ailed and found both shooe and hooff gone; so, fearing to pay for the horse, got presently up agen, and gallopt as fast as I could drive; and fortunately my Horse leg lighted agen in the same place, and pull'd up hooff, shoe and all, which was better fastened than when I came out; and so I performed my journy, and got that night as far as I rid.
[26.] One person told a story (which he insisted was true, as you know these things are), saying, “I was riding to Saint Albans, and as I passed through a lane that was made of tough clay, my horse's foot got stuck, and it lost both a shoe and its hoof. I kept galloping for three or four miles, and my horse never complained; I’d never seen a horse gallop so well on three legs in my life. Eventually, he began to limp, so I got off to see what was wrong and discovered that both the shoe and hoof were gone. Worried about the cost of the horse, I quickly got back on and galloped as fast as I could. Luckily, my horse’s leg landed back in the same spot and pulled up both the hoof and shoe as if they were secured better than when I had left. And so I finished my journey, making it as far that night as I had ridden.”
With frost and haile, and pinching weather,
With frost, hail, and harsh weather,
Companions about three times three
Friends in groups of nine
Lay close all in a pound together.
Lay everything close together in a pen.
Yet one after another they tooke a heate,
Yet one after another, they became heated,
And died that night all in a sweat.
And died that night completely drenched in sweat.
Resolution. A pound of Candles.
Resolution. A pound of candles.
Dead and Alive.
This Ditty out of Gloucestershire was sent,
This ditty from Gloucestershire was sent,
To London, for to have it put in Print;
To London, to get it published;
Therefore draw near, and listen unto this,
Therefore, come closer and listen to this,
It doth concern a Man that did Amiss;
It concerns a man who did something wrong;
And so to shun the Anger of his Wife,
And so to avoid his wife's anger,
He thought with Poyson for to end his Life,
He thought about ending his life with poison,
But instead of Poyson he drank Sack,
But instead of Poyson, he drank Sack,
For which his Wife did soundly pay's back—
For which his wife paid him back in full—
To the Tune of Old Flesh &c.—
To the Tune of *Old Flesh* &c.—
as I heard many tell,
as I’ve heard many say,
In Michal-Danes fair forest,
In Michal-Danes beautiful forest,
in Gloucestershire did dwell;
in Gloucestershire lived;
Some call'd him William Wiseman,
Some called him William Wiseman,
but in that they were to blame,
but in that, they were at fault,
Some call'd him Leonard Lackwit,
Some called him Leonard Lackwit,
but that was not his name;
but that wasn’t his name;
His name was Simple Simon,
His name was Simple Simon,
as it is well approv'd,
as it is well approved,
And among his Friends and Kinsfolks,
And among his friends and family,
he dearly was belov'd:
he was dearly loved:
He capor'd and he vapour'd
He capered and he vaporized
and he liv'd a merry life,
and he lived a happy life,
But yet, good Man, at all times,
But still, good man, at all times,
he could not rule his Wife.
he could not control his wife.
His Wife she was a Woman,
His wife was a woman.
that lov'd a cup of Sack,
that loved a glass of Sack,
And she would tipple soundly,
And she would drink heavily,
behind her Husband's back;
behind her husband’s back;
A bottle she had gotten that
A bottle she had received that
would hold two quarts or more,
would hold two quarts or more,
Well fill'd with wine she hang'd it
Well filled with wine, she hung it.
behind her chamber door:
behind her bedroom door:
And she told unto her Husband
And she told her partner
that it was poyson strong,
that it was poison strong,
And bad him not to touch it,
And it was wrong of him not to touch it,
for fear of doing wrong:
out of fear of messing up
If thou drink but one drop on't,
If you drink just one drop of it,
(quoth she) 'twill end thy life;
(quoth she) 'It's going to end your life;
Therefore in time take heed,
So eventually, pay attention,
and be ruled by thy Wife.
and let your wife be in charge.
This Simon's wife had plenty
Simon's wife had plenty
of fatting hogs and pigs,
of fattening hogs and pigs,
With geese, ducks, hens, and turkies,
With geese, ducks, hens, and turkeys,
that laid great store of eggs:
that laid a lot of eggs:
Both Sheep and such like cattel,
Both sheep and similar animals,
fine ews and pritty lambs,
fine ewes and pretty lambs,
Which up and down the forrest
Which up and down the forest
did feed, and suck their dams;
did feed and nurse from their mothers;
She put trust to her Husband
She trusted her husband.
to look unto them all,
to look at all them,
To keep them safe from danger;
To keep them safe;
now mark what did befal:
now mark what happened:
He did his best endeavour
He gave it his all.
to shun all sorts of strife,
to avoid all kinds of conflict,
And yet through strange misfortune
And yet through odd misfortune
he could not please his Wife.
he could not please his wife.
One morning she sent him
One morning, she texted him.
to field to keep her sheep,
to the field to keep her sheep,
And charg'd him to be watchful,
And instructed him to stay alert,
and take heed he did not sleep:
and he made sure he didn't sleep:
A piece of bread and butter
A slice of bread and butter
she gave him in his hand,
she placed it in his hand,
Whereby she made him promise
Where she made him promise
to do as she did command.
to follow her instructions.
But see what happened to him,
But look at what happened to him,
when he came to the field,
when he arrived at the field,
He fell asleep, while foxes
He fell asleep while foxes
three of his lambs had killed:
three of his lambs had died:
This bred a great dissention
This caused a major dispute.
and rais'd a world of strife,
and raised a lot of conflict,
Till Simon for his fault
Till Simon for his mistake
had beg'd pardon of his Wife.
had begged pardon of his wife.
Another day she sent him
Another day, she texted him.
her ducks and geese to tend,
her ducks and geese to care for,
And charg'd him on her blessing,
And charged him with her blessing,
he should no more offend:
he shouldn't offend anymore:
Her goslins and her chickens
Her goslings and her chickens
with him she put in trust,
with him she confided,
Who took a stick and told them,
Who grabbed a stick and told them,
for they were twenty just:
for they were just twenty:
But a woful chance befel to
But a terrible misfortune happened to
poor Simon before night,
poor Simon before night,
For seven of his chickens
For seven of his hens
were took prisoners by the kite:
were taken prisoner by the kite:
This vexed him, and it made him
This annoyed him, and it made him
half weary of his life,
half tired of his life,
For he knew not what answer
For he didn’t know what answer
to make unto his Wife.
to make for his Wife.
Next morning when that Simon
Next morning when that Simon
was sent to milk the cow,
was sent to milk the cow,
Another strange mishap there was
Another weird accident happened there.
done to him by the sow;
done to him by the pig;
For whilst that he was driving
While he was driving
the little pigs away,
the little pigs gone,
The sow came into the dairy-house
The pig entered the dairy house.
and swill'd up all the whey;
and drank up all the whey;
The cheese out of the cheese fat
The cheese out of the cheese fat
she did both tear and hawl,
she did both tear and haul,
And so threw down the cream-pot,
And so they threw down the cream pot,
and made an end of all:
and finished everything up:
Wherewith she burst her belly,
Wherewith she burst her belly,
and so she lost her life,
and so she lost her life,
And poor Simon knew not what answer
And poor Simon didn't know what answer
to make unto his wife.
to make for his wife.
When's Wife came in the dairy-house,
When his wife came into the dairy house,
and saw what there was done,
and saw what had been done,
A strong and fierce encounter
A powerful and intense encounter
she presently begun;
she has just started;
She pull'd him by the ears,
She pulled him by the ears,
and she wrung him by the nose,
and she pinched his nose,
And she kickt him on the belly,
And she kicked him in the stomach,
while the tears ran down his hose.
while the tears ran down his stockings.
And she vow'd to be revenged
And she vowed to get her revenge.
before the morrow day,
before tomorrow,
For all the brood of chickens,
For all the girls,
which the kite had carried away:
which the kite had carried away:
Poor Simon stood amazed,
Poor Simon stood amazed,
being weary of his life,
feeling tired of his life,
For he good Man was tired
For the good man was tired
with his unruly Wife.
with his wild wife.
For when that he perceived
When he realized
his Wife in such a rage,
his Wife in such a rage,
Nor knowing how, nor which way
Nor knowing how, nor which way
his fury to asswage:
calm his anger:
He cunningly got from her,
He cleverly got from her,
and to the chamber went,
and went to the chamber,
Thinking himself to poyson,
Thinking he could poison,
for that was his intent;
for that was his aim;
So coming to the bottle,
So moving to the bottle,
which I spoke of before,
which I mentioned earlier,
He thought it to be poyson,
He thought it was toxic,
which hung behind the door:
which was hanging behind the door:
He vow'd to drink it all up,
He promised to drink it all.
and end his wretched life,
and end his miserable life,
Rather than live in thraldom,
Rather than live in bondage,
with such a cursed Wife.
with such a toxic wife.
So opening of a window, which
So opening a window, which
stood towards the South,
faced south,
He took the bottle of sack,
He picked up the bottle of sherry,
and set it to his mouth:
and brought it to his mouth:
Now will I drink this poyson,
Now I will drink this poison,
(quoth he) with all my heart;
(quoth he) with all my heart;
So that the first draught he drunk on't
So that the first drink he had on it
he swallowed near a quart:
he drank nearly a quart:
The second time that he set
The second time he established
the bottle to his snout,
the bottle to his mouth,
He never left off swigging,
He never stopped drinking,
till he had suckt all out:
till he had sucked it all out:
Which done, he fell down backward
Which done, he fell down backward
like one bereft of life,
like someone without life,
Crying out, I now am poysoned
Crying out, I'm poisoned now.
by means of my cursed Wife.
by way of my cursed wife.
Quoth he, I feel the poyson
Quoth he, I feel the poison
now run through every vein,
now pulse through every vein,
It rumbles in my belly,
It rumbles in my stomach,
and it tickles in my brain;
and it tickles my mind;
It wambles in my stomack,
It rumbles in my stomach,
and it molifies my heart,
and it warms my heart,
It pierceth through my members,
It pierces through my limbs,
and yet I feel no smart;
and yet I feel no pain;
Would all that have curst wives,
Would anyone with cursed wives,
example take hereby,
Hereby modernize,
For I dye as sweet a death sure,
For I die a sweet death for sure,
as ever man did dye:
as always, man did die:
'Tis better with such poyson,
It's better with such poison,
to end a wretched life,
to end a miserable life,
Than to live, and be tormented
Than to live and be tortured
with such a wicked Wife.
with such a bad wife.
Now see what followed after,
Now see what happened next,
his Wife by chance did walk,
his wife happened to walk,
And coming by the window,
And passing by the window,
she heard her Simon talk;
she heard her Simon speaking;
And thinking on her bottle,
And thinking about her bottle,
she up the stairs did run,
she sprinted up the stairs,
And came into the chamber,
And entered the room,
to see what he had done;
to see what he had done;
When as she saw her Husband,
When she saw her husband,
lying drunk upon his back,
lying drunk on his back,
And the bottle lying by him,
And the bottle lying next to him,
but never a drop of sack:
but never a drop of wine:
I am poyson'd, I am poyson'd,
I am poisoned, I am poisoned,
quoth he, long of my Wife,
quoth he, long of my Wife,
I hope I shall be at quiet
I hope I’ll find some peace.
now I have lost my life.
now I have lost my life.
Pox take you, are you poyson'd,
Pox on you, are you poisoned?
(quoth she) I now will strive,
(quoth she) I will now try,
And do my best endeavour
And do my best effort
to make you run alive:
to make you run better:
With that a quill of powder
With that, a quill of powder
she blew up in his nose,
she blew up in his face,
Then like a man turn'd antick,
Then like a man turned eccentric,
he presently arose;
he got up;
So down the stairs he run straight,
So he ran straight down the stairs,
into the open street,
into the street,
With hooping and hollowing,
With hooping and hollowing,
to all that he did meet;
to everyone he encountered;
And with a loud voice cryed out,
And shouted out loud,
I am raised from death to life,
I have been brought back to life from death,
By virtue of a powder, that
By means of a powder, that
was given me by my Wife.
was given to me by my wife.
Some folks that did behold him,
Some people who saw him,
were in a grievous fear,
were in great fear,
For seeing of a Madman,
For witnessing a madman,
they durst not him come near:
they did not dare to come near him:
He leaped and he skipped,
He jumped and hopped,
thorow fair and thorow foul,
through good times and bad,
Whilst the people gaz'd upon him
While the people looked at him
like pyce upon an owl:
like thick icing on a cake:
His Wife she followed after,
His wife followed after.
thorow thick, and thorow thin,
through thick and thin,
And with a basting cudgel
And with a basting stick
she soundly bang'd his skin:
she soundly banged his skin:
And thus poor Simon cryed out
And so poor Simon cried out
I'm raised from death to life,
I’m revived.
By virtue of a powder, that
By means of a powder, that
was given me by my Wife.
was given to me by my wife.
At last a friend of Simon's
Finally a friend of Simon's
which was to him some kin,
which was some kind of relative to him,
By fair and kind persuasions,
With fair and kind persuasion,
open'd door and let him in;
open'd door and let him in;
He sent for Simon's Wife, and
He called for Simon's wife, and
so made them both good friends,
so they became close friends,
Who kindly kist each other,
Who kindly kissed each other,
and so all discord ends;
and so all conflict ends;
The Neighbours all rejoyced
The neighbors all rejoiced
to see them thus agreed,
to see them agree like this,
And like a loving couple
And like a loving duo
to bed they went with speed.
they quickly went to bed.
No doubt but Simple Simon
No doubt about Simple Simon
that night well pleas'd his wife,
that night pleased his wife,
For ever since that time, he
For ever since that time, he
hath lived a quiet life.
has lived a quiet life.
222 Published between 1650 and 1702.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Published from 1650 to 1702.
223 Published between 1670 and 1697.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Published between 1670 and 1697.
[93.] George (Peele) was making merry with three or foure of his friends in Pye Corner; where the Tapster of the house was much given to Poetrie: for he had ingrossed The Knight of the Sunne, Venus and Adonis, and other Pamphlets which the Stripling had collected together; and knowing George to be a Poet, he tooke great delight in his company, and out of his bounty would bestow a brace of Cannes of him. George observing the humour of the Tapster, meant presently to worke upon him. What will you say, quoth George to his friends, if, out of this spirit of the Cellar, I fetch a good Angell, that shall bid us all to supper. We would gladly see that quoth his friends. Content your selfe, quoth George. The Tapster ascends with his two Cannes, delivers one to Master Peele, and the other to his friends: gives them kind welcome: but George, in stead of giving him thankes, bids him not to trouble him: and beginnes in these termes: I protest, Gentlemen, I wonder you will urge me so much; I sweare I have it not about me. What is the matter? quoth the Tapster. Hath any one [pg 374] angered you? No, faith, quoth George, Ile tell thee, it is this: There is a friend of ours in Newgate, for nothing but onely the command of the Justices, and he being now to be released, sends to me to bring him an Angell: now the man I love dearely well; and if hee want tenne Angels he shall have them; for I know him sure: but heere's the misery, either I must goe home, or I must be forced to pawne this; and pluckes an old Harry-groat out of his pocket. The Tapster lookes upon it: Why, and it please you, Sir, quoth he, this is but a groat. No, Sir, quoth George, I know it is but a groat: but this groat will I not lose for forty pound: for this groat had I of my mother, as a testimony of a Lease of a House I am to possesse after her decease; and if I should lose this groat, I were in a faire case: and either I must pawne this groat, or there the fellow must lye still. Quoth the Tapster, If it please you, I will lend you an Angell on it, and I will assure you it shall bee safe. Wilt thou? quoth George; as thou art an honest man, locke it up in thy Chest, and let me have it whensoever I call for it. As I am an honest man, you shall, quoth the Tapster. George delivered him his groat; the Tapster gave him ten shillings: to the Taverne goe they with the money, and there merrily spend it. It fell out, some time after, the Tapster, having many of these lurches,224 fell to decay, and indeede was turned out of service, having no more coine in the world than this groat, and in this misery, hee met George, as poore as himselfe. O, Sir, quoth the Tapster, you are happily met; I have your groat safe, though since I saw you last, I have bid great extremitie; and I protest, save that groat, I have not any one penny in the world; therefore I pray you, Sir, helpe me to my money, and take your pawne. Not for the World, quoth George: thou saist thou hast but that Groat in the world: my bargaine was, that thou shouldst keepe that groat, untill I did demand it of thee: I ask thee none. I will doe thee farre more good; because thou art an honest fellow, keepe thou that groat still, till I call for it: and so doing, the proudest Jacke in England cannot justifie that thou art not worth a groat; otherwise, they might: and so, honest Michael, farewell. So George leaves the poore Tapster picking of his fingers, his head [pg 375] full of proclamations what he might doe: at last sighing, hee ends with this Proverbe
[93.] George (Peele) was hanging out with three or four of his friends at Pye Corner; the bartender of the place was really into poetry. He had collected "The Knight of the Sun," "Venus and Adonis," and other pamphlets that the young man had gathered, and since he knew George was a poet, he took great pleasure in his company and would generously give him a couple of drinks. George, noticing the bartender's mood, thought he would take advantage of it. "What would you say," George asked his friends, "if I bring back a good angel from this cellar spirit who will treat us all to dinner?" "We'd love to see that," replied his friends. "Just wait and see," said George. The bartender came up with his two drinks, handing one to Master Peele and the other to his friends: he welcomed them warmly, but George, instead of thanking him, told him not to bother him and started saying: "I swear, gentlemen, I can't believe you’re pushing me so much; I swear I don’t have it on me." "What’s wrong?" asked the bartender. "Has someone upset you?" “No, honestly,” George said. “Let me explain: We have a friend in Newgate, just because of a judge’s order, and now he's about to be released and has asked me to bring him an angel. I care for him a lot; if he needs ten angels, I’d get them for him because I trust him. But here’s the problem: either I have to go home, or I have to pawn this,” and he pulls out an old coin from his pocket. The bartender looks at it: "Well, if it pleases you, sir," he said, "this is just a coin." "No, sir," George replied, "I know it's just a coin, but I won't part with this for forty pounds because I got it from my mother as proof of a lease for a house I’m set to inherit after she passes. If I lost this coin, I’d be in a bad spot; I either have to pawn this coin or my friend will have to stay stuck. The bartender said, "If you don't mind, I'll lend you an angel for it, and I promise it will be safe." "Will you?" George asked. "As an honest man, please lock it in your chest and give it to me whenever I ask for it." "As I am an honest man, you shall have it," the bartender replied. George gave him his coin; the bartender handed him ten shillings. They went to the tavern with the money and spent it happily. Later on, the bartender, having fallen on hard times, lost his job and ended up with just this coin, and in his misery, he met George, just as poor as he was. "Oh, sir," said the bartender, "this is a lucky encounter; I have your coin safe, but since I last saw you, I've been through a lot, and honestly, except for that coin, I don’t have a single penny to my name; so I beg you, help me out and take your pawn back." "Not for the world," said George. "You say you’ve got just that coin left: my deal was for you to keep that coin until I asked for it. I’m not asking for it now. I’ll do you a lot more good; since you're an honest guy, hold onto that coin until I come for it: doing that, even the proudest chap in England couldn’t argue that you’re not worth a coin; otherwise, they might. So, honest Michael, goodbye." With that, George left the poor bartender staring at his fingers, his mind racing with what he could do. Finally, sighing, he ended with this proverb.
For the price of a Barrel of Beere
For the price of a barrel of beer
I have bought a groats worth of wit,
I have bought a small bit of wisdom,
Is not that deare?
Isn't that dear?
224 Drains on his purse.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Drains his wallet.
[67.] In a certaine towne there was a goose stolne, and it could not bee found, out who stole it; so ye minister a while after at service, bade all ye people kneele downe, who answered I. (aye) Many did, but saith hee, he that stole ye goose doth not. But I doe, quoth hee, and was taken.
[67.] In a certain town, a goose was stolen, and no one could find out who took it. So, the minister, a while later during the service, instructed all the people to kneel down, to which many complied. However, he said, "He who stole the goose does not kneel." "But I do," he replied, and was then caught.
[103.] An English Gentleman taking into his Service (in pure Compassion) an Irishman, who was forc'd to leave his Country upon his Conversion from the Romish (of which he was a Priest) to the English Church: Employed him in Errands, and sometimes let him follow him, to acquaint him with the Town; and having staid at a Coffee House some time, in expectation of a Man with whom he had Business, who not coming, he left his Servant there, to tell him that he could stay no longer, but was gone to such a Tavern. The Fellow immediately run after his Master, and ask'd him What he should say to the Gentleman if he should not come?
[103.] An English gentleman, out of pure compassion, hired an Irishman who had to leave his country after converting from Catholicism (of which he was a priest) to the English Church. He had the Irishman run errands and sometimes let him join him to get to know the town. After spending some time at a coffee house waiting for a man he had business with, and since the man didn’t show up, he told his servant to let him know that he could no longer wait and was heading to a nearby tavern. The servant immediately ran after his master and asked what he should tell the gentleman if he didn’t come.
[110.] A poore begger man, that was foule, blacke, and loathsome to behould, came on a time to Maister Hobson as he walked in Moore feelds, and asked something of him for an almes, to which Maister Hobson said, I prethee, good fellow, get thee from me, for thou lookst as thou camst lately out of hell. The poore begger man, perceving hee would give him nothing, answered forsooth, Sir, you say true, for I came lately out of Hell indeed; why didst not thou tarry there still? quoth maister Hobson; nay, Sir, quoth the begger, there is no Roome for such begerr men as I am, for all is kept for such gentlemen Cittizens as you be: this wity answere caused Maister Hobson to give the poore man a teaster.225
[110.] A poor beggar, who was dirty, grimy, and unpleasant to look at, approached Master Hobson while he was walking in the Moor fields and asked him for some charity. Master Hobson replied, "Please, good man, get away from me, for you look like you just walked out of hell." The poor beggar, seeing that he would give him nothing, responded, "Indeed, Sir, you're right; I just came from Hell. Why didn’t you stay there?" Master Hobson asked. "Well, Sir," the beggar replied, "there's no room for beggars like me there; it's all reserved for gentlemen citizens like yourself." This clever response made Master Hobson give the poor man a teaster.225
225 Sixpence.
Sixpence.
[82.] A Fellow having more drinke than wit, in a winter evening made a foolish vowe, to take the wall of as many as [pg 376] hee met betwixt the Temple bar, and Charing Crosse; and comming neere the Savoy, where stood a Poste, a little distance from the wall, the Drunkard tooke it for a man, and would have the wall, beginning to quarrell and give the Poste foule words: at which a man came by, and asked the matter, and whom he spake to: hee answered hee would have the wall of that fellow that stood so stiffly there: my friend, said the other, that is a Poste, you must give him the way. Is it so, said the fellow, a pox upon him, why did he not blow his horn?
[82.] One night, a guy who had more to drink than sense made a silly vow to take the wall from anyone he met between the Temple Bar and Charing Cross. As he got near the Savoy, he saw a post a little away from the wall and, thinking it was a person, insisted on taking the wall, starting to argue and shout insults at the post. A passerby stopped and asked what was going on and who he was talking to. He replied that he wanted the wall from that guy who was standing so stiffly there. The passerby said, "My friend, that’s a post; you need to give way." The guy responded, "Oh really? Damn it, why didn’t it blow its horn?"
[26.] Two Baboons being to be seen at their first coming to London, abundance of Citizens and others did resort thither to take a view of them, and did heartily laugh at their ugliness, and the strange faces which they made; which a most motherly and very discreet woman being present, did sharply thus rebuke 'em. "D'ye think you do well to laugh at strangers, who understand not your Language, and if you were in their Country, you'd take it for a great abuse, I warrant you, if they should laugh at you."
[26.] When two baboons first arrived in London, a lot of citizens and others came to see them and couldn’t help but laugh at their ugliness and the funny faces they made. A very caring and wise woman who was there reprimanded them sharply, saying, "Do you think it’s right to laugh at strangers who don't understand your language? If you were in their country, you’d consider it really disrespectful if they laughed at you."
[4.] King James Riding a Hunting in Essex, comes to a Gate which he must go through, and seeing a Country Clown at it, he says to him, Prethee, good Fellow, open the gate. But he, knowing who it was, answered, No, a'nt please your Grace, I am not worthy to be in that Office; but I'le run and fetch Mr Johnson, who is a Justice of the Peace, and lives a Mile off, and he shall open it for your Grace: so he ran away as fast as he could, and left the King to open it himself.
[4.] King James, out hunting in Essex, approached a gate he needed to pass through. Seeing a country bumpkin there, he said, "Please, good fellow, open the gate." The man, knowing who he was, replied, "No, Your Grace, I'm not worthy of that job; but I'll run and get Mr. Johnson, who is a justice of the peace and lives a mile away. He'll open it for you, Your Grace." With that, he took off running as fast as he could, leaving the King to open the gate himself.
The French Dance Instructor
AND THE
ENGLISH SOLDIER.
Or, the Difference Between Fiddling and Fighting
Displayed in a Dialogue between an Englishman
and a French guy.
Englishman.
British person.
[115.]Monsieur, good morn, whither away so faste?
[115.]Sir, good morning, where are you rushing off to?
Some great importance sure doth cause this haste;
Some important reasons are definitely making me hurry;
Your running looks do in effect thus say,
Your running looks so different, so let’s just say,
Monsieur is gone, 'cause Landlord asketh pay.
Monsieur is gone because the landlord is asking for payment.
Frenchman.
French person.
Begar me no sush man, me scorn de shift
Begar do not be such a man, I disdain the change.
Me plus Affaires dat me from home do lift.
Me plus Affaires dat me from home do lift.
Englishman.
British person.
You scorn to shift, tis true I think you say,
You refuse to change, it’s true I think you say,
Witness your Shirt, not washt this many a day.
Witness your Shirt, not washed in many days.
Frenchman.
French person.
Par me foy de Rascall to degrase,
By my faith of Rascall to disgrace,
Ne autre man in de varle live in such case;
Ne autre man in de varle live in such case;
Begar though me no speak si bon English,
Begar although I don't speak very good English,
Me thrush Tord in de belly if de speak dis;
Me thrush Tord in the belly if they speak this;
Begar me de born Gentil-man de France
Begar me de born gentleman from France
Me can learn English a le mode de Dance:
Me can learn English a le mode de Dance:
Me play ode leetle Fidle, me can sing,
Me play a little fiddle, I can sing,
Par ma foy, no Poet Orphus sush Musick bring;
Honestly, no Poet Orpheus could bring such Music;
Begar, you no sush man in all de England have,
Begar, you’re not such a man in all of England you have,
For de Fidle, and de Dancing brave.
For the fiddle, and the dancing brave.
Englishman.
British person.
But when you come to meet your Foe in face
But when you come face to face with your enemy
The Fidler and the Fidler's out of case.
The Fidler and the Fidler's out of case.
Frenchman.
French person.
Begar de art Jack-napes to a teetle,
Begar of art Jack-napes to a teetle,
Me be brave Fellow, me can feight a leetle;
Me be brave fellow, I can fight a little;
Me wear Feader in de Hat, me have Tord by side,
Me wear Feader in the Hat, me have Tord by my side,
Me be de Gentil-man when me on de Horse ride;
Me be the gentleman when I'm on the horse ride;
Englishman be a Clown, make Leg like a de Beare,
Englishman be a Clown, make Leg like a de Beare,
Frenchman be de Gentil-man, he fidle, and he dance rare.
Frenchman is a gentleman; he fiddles and dances effortlessly.
Englishman.
Brit.
'Tis true, in dancing you do us excel,
'It's true, in dancing you really stand out,
But can you, as the English, fight as well?
But can you, as the English, fight too?
When Mars unsheaths his Sword, and Canons roar,
When Mars draws his sword, and cannons blast,
And men lye welt'ring in their purple gore,
And men lie bleeding in their purple blood,
When Towns are burnt, and Cities are destroy'd,
When towns are burned and cities are destroyed,
To what use will your Dancing be employ'd?
To what purpose will your dancing be used?
Frenchman.
French person.
Begar he de great Fool to speak sush ting,
Begar he the great fool to say such things,
Brava, brava, de Dance, de Fidele, Sing;
Brava, brava, for Dance, for the Loyal, Sing;
No sush ting in de varle, to peepe, to dance,
No such thing in the world, to peek, to dance,
To be dreass like de Madam, a le Mode France.
To dress like the lady, a la Mode France.
Englishman.
Brit.
Brave Monsieur! gallant Monsieur! wondrous rare!
Brave Sir! gallant Sir! wonderfully rare!
Fidling and fooling, none with thee compare!
Fooling around and playing, no one compares to you!
Frenchman.
French person.
Begar, he be de Rogue, de Villain, de Carle,
Begar, he's the Rogue, the Villain, the Scoundrel,
To speak 'gainst de Dance, de brave ting in de varle;
To talk against the Dance, the brave thing in the world;
Begar me do love it out of all de Cry,
Begar I really love it more than anything else.
Par ma foy he speak 'gainst it, tell loud lye:
By my faith he speaks against it, telling a bold lie:
France-man is de Gentilman in de high Sphere,
France-man is the gentleman in the high sphere,
Vat is de Clown vas dis skip de Angleterre
Vat is de Clown vas dis skip de Angleterre
De French Monsieur skip and leap like de Spright,
De French Monsieur skips and leaps like the Sprite,
He caper and kick, is not dat a rare Shite?
He jumps and kicks, is that not a rare sight?
Englishman.
British person.
A rare Shite 'tis indeed, I needs must say,
A rare thing it is, I have to say,
To see men skip like Puppets in a Play;
To watch men jump around like puppets in a play;
To act the Mimick, fidle, prate and Dance,
To mimic, fiddle, talk, and dance,
And cringe like Apes, is a le mode France:
And cringe like apes is a trend in France:
But to be resolute, one to fight with ten,
But to be determined, one to take on ten,
And beat them, 's proper unto English men.
And beating them is proper for English men.
Frenchman.
French person.
Begar France man is couragio, feight like te Tiffell,
Begar France man is brave, fights like the Tiffell,
He kill, he slay, cutt men off de midle;
He kills, he slays, cuts men in half;
De brave Monsieurs, de Oliver, de Rowland,
The brave gentlemen, Oliver, Rowland,
Begar de feight as long as de could stand;
Begar of freight as long as they could handle;
Amadis de Gaule, de Roy Charlemain,
Amadis of Gaul, by King Charlemagne,
De make blood run down like drops of de rain,
De make blood run down like drops of the rain,
Begar, with new fashion so exc'lent! so rare!
Begar, with such amazing new fashion! So unique!
No men in de varle wid de French make compare.
No men in the world can compare to the French.
Englishman.
English person.
But Monsieur, have you never heard report
But Sir, have you never heard the news?
Of Poictiers, Crescy, and of Agen-court?
Of Poitiers, Crécy, and Agincourt?
When France was drown'd with streams of Frenchmen's blood,
When France was drowned with rivers of Frenchmen's blood,
And English Valor could not be withstood?
And English courage could not be resisted?
Sixth Henry in Paris Crown'd in State,
Sixth Henry in Paris Crowned in State,
And France (submissive) did on England wait.
And France (submissive) waited on England.
When only Talbot's Name did bear such sway,
When only Talbot's name held power,
To make Ten thousand French men run away?
To make ten thousand French men flee?
Is not France, and the Nation still the same,
Isn't France, and the nation still the same,
Whom England did in all Encounters tame?
Who did England tame in all encounters?
Have we not Hero's still who are endu'd
Have we not heroes still who are gifted
With Valor, (Stars of the first Magnitude?)
With Valor, (Stars of the first Magnitude?)
Yorks Duke, Brave Albemarle, equal to those
Yorks Duke, Brave Albemarle, equal to them
Our Ancestors, who French men did oppose?
Our ancestors, whom did the French men oppose?
With other Worthies of deserved Fame,
With other renowned individuals who have earned their reputation,
Make Frenchmen tremble for to hear their Name.
Make the French tremble at the sound of their name.
Frenchman.
French person.
Begar dis true, de English-man speak right,
Begar is true, the English man speaks correctly,
France leave to Dance, and now de learn to Fight.
France leaves to dance, and now learns to fight.
Adieu Monsieur.
Goodbye, Sir.
London, Printed in the Year 1666.
London, Printed in 1666.
[103.] A Nobleman often hunting, used to be always near his Huntsman, who was an excellent old Servant, and one of whom he priz'd, and was often familiar with; but at coming to a Hedge or Ditch, he wou'd call him, Jack do you leap first. Not I by G—, my Lord, (reply's he) do you go first and break your Neck, if you please, I value mine a little more.
[103.] A nobleman who often went hunting was always close to his huntsman, an outstanding old servant whom he valued and was quite friendly with. However, when they reached a hedge or a ditch, he would say, Jack, you jump first. Not me, by God, my Lord, (he replied) you go ahead and break your neck if you want; I care a bit more about mine.
[82.] A Countrey woman at an Assize was to take her oath against a party; the said party entreated the Judge that her oath might not bee taken; the Judge demanded why he excepted against her: my Lord (quoth hee) shee is a Recusant or Romane Catholique, and they hold it in no matter of Conscience to swear any thing against us. Come hither, woman, said the Judge, I doe not thinke thou art a Recusant, I am perswaded that for fourty shillings thou wilt sweare the Pope is a knave: Good, my Lord, said shee, the Pope is a stranger to mee, but if I knew him as well as I know your Lordship, I would sweare for half the mony.
[82.] A country woman at a court session was to take her oath against a party; the party asked the judge not to accept her oath. The judge asked why he objected to her: "My Lord," he said, "she's a recusant or Roman Catholic, and they don't see any issue with swearing against us." "Come here, woman," the judge said, "I don't believe you're a recusant; I'm sure that for forty shillings, you’d swear the Pope is a crook." "Good, my Lord," she replied, "the Pope is a stranger to me, but if I knew him as well as I know you, I’d swear for half the money."
[116.] The following satire is given merely as a type:
[116.] This satire is presented just as an example:
From Commonwealth Coblers, and zealous State Tinkers,
From Commonwealth cobblers and enthusiastic state tinkerers,
From Speeches and Expedients of Politick Blinkers,
From Speeches and Strategies of Political Blinders,
From Rebellious Taps, and Tapsters, and Skinkers.
From rebellious bartenders, and servers, and drink pourers.
Libera nos.
Set us free.
From Elephant Baptists, and their doughty free State,
From Elephant Baptists, and their brave free State,
From looking in Newgate through Reformation Grate,
From looking in Newgate through Reformation Grate,
And from their last sayings and Hempen-ruff Fate.
And from their final words and destiny wrapped in hemp.
Libera nos.
Deliver us.
From Papists on one hand, and Phanatick o' th' t'other,
From Catholics on one side, and fanatics on the other,
From Presbyter Jack, the Popes younger brother,
From Presbyter Jack, the Pope's younger brother,
And Congregational Daughters far worse than their Mother.
And Congregational Daughters are much worse than their Mother.
Libera nos.
Set us free.
From Religions that teach men to kill and to slay,
From religions that teach people to kill and to destroy,
From faith that is coupled with the word Disobey,
From faith that comes with the word Disobey,
And from Sectaries e'er having of another day.
And from followers ever having of another day.
Libera nos.
Set us free.
From Members that constantly quarrel with the Head,
From members who are always arguing with the leader,
And subjects that for Sterling, pay their Sovereign with Lead,
And those subjects that, for Sterling, pay their Sovereign with bullets,
And preserve Kings and Governments by wishing them dead.
And keep Kings and Governments in power by hoping for their downfall.
Libera nos.
Set us free.
From over short Parliaments, and over long,
From too many short Parliaments and too few long ones,
From a selling our Birth rights for an old song,
From selling our birthrights for an old song,
And breaking Mag. Charta to make it more strong.
And breaking the Mag. Charta to make it stronger.
Libera nos.
Set us free.
From taking away Juries by Parliament Votes,
From removing juries through parliamentary votes,
And securing from Popery by cutting of throats,
And keeping away from Catholicism by slitting throats,
From a Beam in our Eye, to cure them of Motes.
From a beam in our eye, to fix them of specks.
Libera nos.
Set us free.
From "Vox"es, and factious saucy Addresses,
From "Vox"es and argumentative cheeky messages,
To repeal those good Laws of honest Qu. Bess'es
To repeal those good laws of honest Queen Bess.
From Fanaticks rage, and the Popes God bless us.
From the rage of fanatics, and may the Pope bless us.
Libera nos.
Set us free.
From a Bill that to take away Ale and Cake voices,
From a bill that aims to silence voices about ale and cake,
Robs all the old Freeholders, at Elections, of Choices,
Robs all the old property owners of their choices during elections,
And enables Fanaticks to make greater Noises.
And allows fanatics to make louder noises.
Libera nos.
Free us.
From the wisdom of Bedlam, and the anger of Fools,
From the insight of Bedlam, and the frustration of Fools,
From the whipping and learning of meeting house Schools
From the discipline and education at meeting house schools
And the Exit of Traytors, and Commonwealth Tools.
And the Exit of Traitors, and Commonwealth Tools.
Libera nos.
Free us.
Of the following satire only a portion is given, as the pamphlet (of ten pages) is too long to give in extenso:—
Of the following satire, only a portion is included because the pamphlet (which is ten pages long) is too lengthy to present in extenso:—
[117.] Received out of the Treasuries of the Excize, Customs and the Exchequer £430,000.
[117.] Received from the funds of Excise, Customs, and the Exchequer £430,000.
Disbursed as followeth
Disbursed as follows
The Accompt.
The Account.
| L. | S. | D | ||
| Imprimis. | For three and twenty long Cloaks, at Seven Pounds Ten Shillings, per Cloak, to cover the Committee226 of Safety's Knavery. | 243. | —. | — |
| Item. | For Six Dozen of large fine Holland Handkerchiefs, with great French Buttons, for the Lord Fleetwood, to wipe away the Teares from his Excellencies Cheeks, at Twenty Shillings per Handkerchief. | 72. | —. | — |
| Item | Paid his young Daughters Musick-Master, and Dancing Master, for fifteen Moneths Arrears, due at the Interruption of Parliament | 59. | 5. | — |
| Item | For four rich Mantles for his Lady, two lac'd and two embroidered, and a brave New Gown, made to congratulate her Husband's new Honor. | 270. | —. | — |
| Item | Bestowed by her Order, upon the Journey men Taylors, and given to him that brought home and tryed on the said Gown, seven pieces in gold. | 7. | 14. | — |
| Item | For an innumerable company of Pectoral Rolls and Lozenges, to dry up his Excellencies Rheum, at two pence a piece | 30. | 2. | 2 |
| Item | For two Rolls of Spanish Tobacco for Colonel Sydenham, at twenty shillings per pound, according to the Protectors rate, and five black Pots to warm Ale in, at twelve pence a piece, together with ten Groce of glaz'd Pipes, at nine shillings the groce. | 45. | 13. | 4. |
| Item[pg 383] | For two gilt Horn bookes for his great son, at two shillings, sixpence a piece | 5. | — | |
| Item | laid out for seven rich new Gowns, bespoke at Paris for the Lady Lambert, to be worn seven several dayes one after another, at her Husbands coming to the Crowne, every Gown valued at Sixty pound, one with the other | 480. | —. | — |
| Item | for Pins and Gloves for the said Lady | 83. | 9. | — |
| Item | for vamping Colonel Clarks Riding boots, and for new Spur Leathers &c &c &c &c— | 10. | —. | — |
226 A committee of 23, which was inaugurated on 26th October 1659 to take upon themselves the exercise of the Government, till another form of Government should be agreed upon, which they declared should never be in single hands again, as a Chief Magistrate, a King, or even the House of Lords.
226 A committee of 23 was formed on October 26, 1659, to take over the responsibilities of the government until a new system of governance was decided upon. They stated that power should never again be held by a single individual—like a Chief Magistrate, a King, or even the House of Lords.
Parody was almost unknown, but the following will serve as an example:—
Parody was nearly unheard of, but the following will serve as an example:—
Song.
When all my thoughts were Westward ha,
When all my thoughts were focused on the West,
Near Hampton Court I saw a Face,
Near Hampton Court, I saw a face,
The Throne of Modesty and Grace;
The Throne of Modesty and Grace;
In whose each motion might be seen
In every movement, one could see
Hadassa and the Southern Queen;
Hadassa and the Southern Queen;
Her Smiles were arguments to prove
Her smiles were proof of her arguments.
The Phœnix, and the God of Love.
The Phoenix, and the God of Love.
From these the Pencil learnt those Draughts
From these, the pencil learned those sketches.
Of Titan's Beams, and Cupid's Shafts.
Of Titan's Beams, and Cupid's Arrows.
Bless me, said I, since I must die,
Bless me, I said, since I have to die,
My Heart a Sacrifice shall lie,
My heart will be a sacrifice,
Burnt with the Lustre of her eye.
Burnt with the shine of her eye.
The Mock.
And I, being lately Eastward bound,
And I, having recently headed east,
To take a merry Countrey Round,
To enjoy a cheerful country outing,
There I beheld a Thing call'd Woman,
There I saw something called a woman,
Save him that hath her, Match for no man!
Save him who has her, not a match for any man!
In whose behaviour you may spell,
In whose behavior you can read,
What Job's Wife was, and Jezabel.
What Job's Wife was, and Jezebel.
Her looks make good the doubtful story
Her appearance confirms the uncertain story.
Of Acharon and Purgatory.
Of Acharon and Purge.
From these the Painter had advice
From these, the Painter received advice
To limn the Toad and Cockatrice.
To depict the Toad and Cockatrice.
This made me cry, since Friends must part,
This made me cry, since friends have to say goodbye,
E're this vile wretch shall have my heart,
Ere this vile wretch will have my heart,
I'le suffer. Drive away the Cart.
I will suffer. Drive away the cart.
[105.] There was an olde woman that had but one tooth in her head, & that did ake very sore, she went to Master Scogin for remedy. Come with me, mother, said Scogin, & you shall be healed by & by. He then got a packthreed, and went to the Smiths forge with the woman, and he said to the Smith, I pray you, heate me a Coulter in your Forge. I will, said the Smith. Then he went to the old woman, and said, Mother, let me see your tooth, and she did so: he took his packthreed and bound it fast about the tooth, & tyed the other end of the thred at the ring of the forge doore, whereat the Smith used to tie his horses & mares, and when the Coulter was glowing hot, Scogin tooke the Coulter and ran with it against the old woman, saying; Why dost thou stand here like an old mare? I will run thee through with this hot Coulter. The woman being afraid, gave a braid227 with her head, and ran her way, & left her tooth behind her. Scogin ran after the woman, and she cryed out for helpe (for she was afraid that Scogin would have burnt her.) The Smith ran after Scogin for his Coulter, for he was afraid that Scogin would run away with it.
[105.] There was an old woman who had only one tooth in her mouth, and it was really painful, so she went to Master Scogin for help. "Come with me, mother," said Scogin, "and I'll fix you up in no time." He took a piece of thread and went to the blacksmith's forge with the woman, and he said to the blacksmith, "Please heat up a coulter for me." "I will," said the blacksmith. Then he approached the old woman and said, "Mother, let me see your tooth," and she showed him. He took the thread and tied it tightly around her tooth and then tied the other end to the ring on the forge door where the blacksmith usually tied his horses and mares. When the coulter was glowing hot, Scogin grabbed it and charged at the old woman, saying, "Why do you stand here like an old mare? I’m going to run you through with this hot coulter." The woman, frightened, jerked her head and ran away, leaving her tooth behind. Scogin ran after her, and she cried out for help (worried that Scogin would burn her). The blacksmith chased after Scogin for his coulter, afraid that Scogin would steal it.
[94.] One perswaded a Scholar that was much given to rambling, and going abroad, to sell or put away his Cushion, and it would be a means to make him sit harder to his study.
[94.] Someone convinced a scholar who enjoyed wandering and going out to sell or get rid of his cushion, as it would encourage him to focus more on his studies.
[26.] A Scholar in Oxford was often sent to by a Citizen for Money, which he pretended was due to him, and finding his answer not according to expectation he took the boldness and went to him himself, and modestly said to him in private: Sir, There's some Money betwixt you and I. Say you so, says [pg 385] the Scholar, I pray where is it? we'll divide it if you please. Sir, says he, I have taken your word for it hitherto. Truly, says he, so you are like to do till you are paid.
[26.] A scholar in Oxford was often approached by a citizen for money that he claimed was owed to him. When the scholar's response didn't meet his expectations, the citizen boldly confronted him directly and modestly said in private: "Sir, there's some money between you and me." "Is that so?" replied the scholar, "Then where is it? We can split it if you’d like." The citizen responded, "I've taken your word for it up until now." The scholar said, "Well, that’s how it will stay until you get paid."
[4.] A young lad being chid by his Uncle, for lying a Bed so long in a Morning, telling him that such a one had found a Purse of Money by rising early in the Morning: I, says the Lad smartly, but he rose too early that lost it.
[4.] A young boy is being scolded by his uncle for staying in bed so long in the morning. The uncle tells him that someone found a purse of money by getting up early. The boy replies cleverly, "Yes, but the one who lost it got up too early."
[110.] Maister Hobson on a time in company of one of his neighbors, roade from London towards Sturbridge faire, so the first night of there jorny they lodged at Ware in an Inne where great store of Company was, and in the morning when every man made him ready to ride, and some were on horsbacke setting forward, the Cittizen, his neighbour found him sitting at the Inne gate, booted and spurd, in a browne studdy, to whome hee saide, for shame, Maister Hobson, why sitte you heare, why doe you not make your selfe redy to horsebacke, that we may set forward with company? Maister Hobson replyed in this manner, I tarry (quoth he) for a good cause. For what cause? quoth his neighbour. Mary, quoth Maister Hobson, here be so many horses, that I cannot tell which is mine owne, and I know well, when every man is ridden and gone, the horse that remaneth behind, must needs be mine.
[110.] Master Hobson once traveled with a neighbor from London to Sturbridge Fair. They spent their first night in Ware at an inn that was quite busy. The next morning, as everyone was getting ready to leave and some were already on horseback, the citizen neighbor found him sitting at the inn gate, dressed and ready, looking puzzled. He said, "Come on, Master Hobson, why are you sitting here? Why aren’t you getting ready to ride so we can leave with the others?" Master Hobson replied, "I’m waiting for a good reason." "What reason?" asked his neighbor. "Well," answered Master Hobson, "there are so many horses here that I can’t figure out which one is mine. I know that when everyone else has left, the horse that’s still here has to be mine."
[17.] A Puritan coming to a Cheese mongers to buy Cheese, when he gave him a tast, he put his hat before his eyes, to say Grace; Nay, says he, I see instead of tasting my Cheese, you intend to make a meal of it.
[17.] A Puritan walked into a cheese shop to buy some cheese. When he was offered a taste, he put his hat in front of his eyes to say grace. "No," he said, "I see that instead of just tasting my cheese, you plan to eat a whole meal of it."
The panhandlers
CHORUS
WITH THE FRIENDLY CREW.
he had a wooden Leg,
he had a wooden leg,
Lame from his Cradle,
Disabled from birth,
and forced for to Beg;
and forced to beg;
And a Begging we will go, we'll go, we'll go,
And a begging we will go, we'll go, we'll go,
And a Begging we will go.
And we'll go begging.
A Bag for my Oatmeal,
An Oatmeal Bag,
another for my Salt,
another for my Salt,
A little pair of Crutches,
A small pair of crutches,
to see how I can halt;
to see how I can stop;
And a Begging, &c
And a Request, etc.
A Bag for my Bread,
A Bag for My Bread,
another for my Cheese,
another for my cheese,
A little Dog to follow me,
A small dog to follow me,
to gather what I leese.
to gather what I lose.
And a Begging &c
And a Request &c
A Bag for my Wheat,
A Bag for My Wheat,
another for my Rye,
another for my Rye,
A little Bottle by my side,
A little bottle next to me,
to drink when I'm a dry.
to drink when I'm thirsty.
And a Begging we will go, we'll go, we'll go,
And on we’ll go begging, we’ll go, we’ll go,
And a Begging we will go.
And a begging we will go.
To Pimlico we'll go,
We're heading to Pimlico,
where merry we shall be,
where we'll be happy,
With ev'ry Man, a Can in's hand,
With every man, a can in his hand,
and a Wench upon his knee.
and a woman on his knee.
And a Begging &c
And a Request &c
Seven years I served
Served for seven years
my old Master Wild,
my former Master Wild,
Seven years I begged
I begged for seven years.
whilst I was but a Child
whilst I was just a child
And a begging &c
And a begging etc.
I had the pretty knack
I had a nice talent
for to wheedle and to cry,
for to coax and to cry,
By young and by old
By the young and the old
much pitied e'er was I.
I was often pitied.
And a begging &c
And a begging &c
Fatherless and Motherless
Orphaned
still was my Complaint,
still was my Complaint,
And none that ever saw me
And no one who ever saw me
but took me for a Saint.
but thought I was a saint.
And a begging &c
And a begging, etc.
I begg'd for my Master,
I pleaded for my Master,
and got him store of Pelf,
and got him a lot of money,
But Jove now be praised,
But praise be to Jove now,
I now beg for myself.
I’m now begging for myself.
And a begging &c
And a begging, etc.
Within a hollow Tree
Inside a hollow tree
I live, and pay no Rent,
I live here for free,
Providence provides for me,
Providence takes care of me,
and I am well content.
and I am happy.
And a begging &c
And a begging, etc.
Of all occupations
Of all jobs
a Beggar lives the best,
a beggar lives the best,
For when he is a weary,
For when he's tired,
he'll lie him down and rest.
he'll lie down and chill.
And a begging &c
And a begging etc.
I fear no Plots against me,
I don't fear any plots against me,
but live in open Cell;
but live in open cell;
Why who woud be a King
Why would anyone want to be a King?
when a Beggar lives so well?
when a beggar lives so well?
And a begging &c.
And a request &c.
Printed for R. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye-Corner.
Published by R. Brooksby at the Golden Ball in Pye-Corner.
[67.] A Company went to an Inne without money, when ye reckoning was to be pay'd, one called his hostesse, asking her what it was: she said two shillings. Then he askt her what one should pay for bloodshed: she answered ten groats. Then, said he, cut my finger and give me ye rest229 againe.
[67.] A company went to an inn without any money. When it was time to settle the bill, one of them called over the hostess and asked how much they owed. She said it was two shillings. Then he asked her how much one would have to pay for bloodshed. She replied that it was ten groats. Then he said, “Cut my finger and give me the rest back.”229
229 i.e. give me the change.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ i.e. give me the update.
[52.] One Dromo, a certaine Tiler, sitting upon a ridge of a House, laying on certaine roofe tiles, looking backe, and reaching somewhat too far for a little morter, that lay by him, fell backward and by good hap, fell upon a man that was sitting under the house, whom with his fall he bruised to death, but thereby saved his owne life. Not many dayes after, a sonne of the dead mans, caused this man to be apprehended for murther, and, having him before the Judge, cried unto the Judge for justice: who asking the prisoner what hee could say for himselfe, received this answer. Truly, Sir, I never thought the man any hurt, neither did I thinke to fall: but since it was my hap to hit upon him to save my life, if it please your Lordship, I am contented that he shall have justice; for my selfe, I had no malice to his father, though I see he hath a great deale to me: but let him doe his worst, I care not, I aske no favour: let him go up to the top of the house where I sate, and I will sit where his father sate; let him fall from the place as cunningly as hee can, and fall upon [pg 389] mee to save his life, I will bee contented. The Judge seeing the mans innocency, and how farre he was from intent of any evill to the man whom he had slaine, willed the complainant to take this course for his contentment: which he refusing, was dismissed the Court, and the Prisoner thus by his wity answer released.
[52.] One Dromo, a certain tiler, was sitting on a roof ridge, laying some tiles. As he looked back and reached a bit too far for some mortar next to him, he fell backward and, fortunately, landed on a man sitting below the house. The impact killed the man, but it saved Dromo's life. A few days later, the dead man's son had Dromo arrested for murder and brought him before the judge, demanding justice. The judge asked Dromo what he had to say for himself, and he replied, "Honestly, Sir, I never meant to hurt him, and I didn’t plan to fall. But since it was my luck to fall on him to save my own life, if it pleases your Lordship, I'm fine with him getting justice. I had no ill will toward his father, although I see he has a lot against me. But let him do his worst; I’m not asking for any favors. Let him go up to the roof where I was, and I’ll sit where his father sat; let him try to fall in the same way and land on me to save his life, and I’ll be okay with that." The judge, seeing Dromo’s innocence and that he had no malicious intent toward the man he killed, suggested the complainant take this route to find satisfaction. The complainant refused and was dismissed from court, leaving Dromo released thanks to his clever response.
[110.] There was a certaine farmer that lost forty pounds betwixt Cambridge and London, and being so great a summe, he made proclamation in all market Townes there abouts, that whosoever had found forty and five pounds, should have the five pounds for his labour for finding it, and therefore he put in the five pound more than was lost. It was Maister Hobsons fortune to find the same sum of forty pounds, and brought the same to the baylive of Ware & required the five pounds for his paines, as it was proclaymed. When the country farmer understood this, and that he must needs pay five pounds for the finding, he sayd that there was in the purse five and forty pounds, and so would hee have his owne mony and five pounds over. So long they strove, that the matter was brought before a Justice of the Peace, which was one Maister Fleetwood, who after was Recorder of London; but when Maister Fleetwood understood by the bayleife that the proclamation was made for a purse of five and forty pound, he demanded where it was. Here, quoth the baylie, and gave it him. Is it just forty pound? said Maister Fleetwood. Yes truly, (quoth the bayleife) Here maister Hobson, sayd Ma. Fleetwood, take you this mony for it is your owne, and if you chance to find a purse of five and forty pound, bring it to this honest farmer. That is mine, quoth the farmer, for I lost just forty pound. You speake too late (quoth Maister Fleetwood). Thus the farmer lost the mony, and maister Hobson had it according to justice.
[110.] There was a farmer who lost forty pounds between Cambridge and London. Since it was such a significant amount, he announced in all the nearby market towns that whoever found forty-five pounds would get five pounds as a reward for their trouble, so he added that five pounds to the amount lost. It was Mr. Hobson who found the forty pounds and took it to the bailiff of Ware, asking for the five-pound reward as promised. When the farmer learned about this and that he had to pay five pounds for the recovery, he claimed there was forty-five pounds in the purse and insisted he should get his money back plus the extra five pounds. They argued for so long that the matter was brought before a Justice of the Peace, one Mr. Fleetwood, who later became the Recorder of London. When Mr. Fleetwood found out from the bailiff that the proclamation was for a purse containing forty-five pounds, he asked where it was. The bailiff pointed to the purse and handed it to him. “Is it just forty pounds?” asked Mr. Fleetwood. “Yes, truly,” replied the bailiff. “Here, Mr. Hobson,” said Mr. Fleetwood, “take this money as it’s yours, and if you happen to find a purse with forty-five pounds, bring it back to this honest farmer.” “That is mine,” said the farmer, “because I lost exactly forty pounds.” “You’re speaking too late,” replied Mr. Fleetwood. Thus, the farmer lost the money, and Mr. Hobson received it justly.
[67.] Mr. French the King's Fisher, beeing a Widower, married a young woman, and shortly died, on whom one made this distich.
[67.] Mr. French, the King's Fisher, being a widower, married a young woman and soon passed away, on whom someone wrote this couplet.
By fish hee liv'd, by fish hee thriv'd,
By fish he lived, by fish he thrived,
He touched ye flesh, and so hee died.
He touched the flesh, and so he died.
[103.] An Alderman of Norwich, having a Maid servant Married from his House, went two or three Years after to see her, and ask'd (amongst other things) how many Children she had? Truly Sir, says she, none. O Lord, replys he, what should be the reason of that? I don't know, says the Woman. Alas! adds the Old Fellow, now I remember me, your Mother had none.
[103.] An alderman from Norwich had a maidservant who got married and moved away from his house. A couple of years later, he went to visit her and asked, among other things, how many children she had. "Honestly, none," she replied. "Oh my," he said, "what could be the reason for that?" "I don’t know," said the woman. "Oh dear!" the old man exclaimed, "now I remember, your mother had none either."
[105.] After a while Scogin came to London, hee married a young woman, taking her for a maid, as other men doe. At last he thought to prove his wife, and fained himselfe sicke. Oh good wife, saies he, I will shew you a thing, and if you will promise me to conceale it. She said, Sir, you may tell mee what you will, I were worse than accursed, if I should disclose your counsell: O wife, said Scogin, I had a great pang to day in my sicknesse, for I did parbrake,230 and cast out a Crow. A Crow? said shee. Yea, said Scogin, God helpe me. Be of good comfort said she, you shall recover and doe well. Well wife, said Scogin, goe to Church and pray for me: shee went to the Church, and by & by one of her gossips met with her and asked how her husband did. I wis,231 said she, a sore sick man he is, and like to die, for there is an evill signe and token in him. What is that, Gossip? said shee. Nay, by gisse,232 I will not tell it to any man alive. What, said the woman, you may tell me, for I will never bewray your counsell. By gisse, said Scogin's wife, if I wist that you wold keep my counsel, I wold tel you. Then said the woman, whatsoever you doe tell, I will lay it dead under my feet. Oh, said Scogins wife, my husband parbraked two Crowes. Jesus, said the woman, I never heard of such a thing. This woman as she did meet with another gossip of hers, shewed that Scogin had parbraked three Crowes. So it went on from one gossip to another, that ere Mattens were finished, all the parish knew that Scogin had parbraked twenty Crowes. And when the Priest was ready to goe into the Pulpit, one came to request him and all the Parish to pray for Scogin, for he had parbraked twenty Crowes. The Priest blessed him and said [pg 391] to the Parishioners, I doe pray you pray for Scogin, for he is in perill of his life, and hath parbraked 21 Crowes. By and by one went to Scogin, and said, Sir, is it as it is spoken in the Church of you? What is that, said Scogin. The Priest said in the Pulpit that you parbraked 21 Crowes. Said Scogin, what a lie is this? By & by the bels were told for sacring, and Scogin hied him to Church, lustily and merry, and when the men and women did see him in the Church, they looked upon one another, and marvelled of this matter. After Masse, Scogin asked what were they that they should bring such a tale upon him. At last the matter was so boulted out, that the original of the cause began at Scogins wife.
[105.] After a while, Scogin arrived in London, married a young woman, treating her like a maid, as many men do. Eventually, he decided to test his wife's loyalty and pretended to be sick. "Oh good wife," he said, "I want to show you something, but you must promise to keep it a secret." She replied, "Sir, you can tell me anything; I'd be worse than cursed if I revealed your secret." "O wife," said Scogin, "I had a terrible pain today from my illness, for I eructated,230 and expelled a Crow." "A Crow?" she exclaimed. "Yes," Scogin said, "God help me." "Don't worry," she comforted him, "you will recover and be just fine." "Well, wife," Scogin said, "go to Church and pray for me." She went to church, and shortly after, one of her friends ran into her and asked how her husband was doing. "Honestly,"231 she replied, "he's very sick and likely to die; there's a bad omen with him." "What is that, Gossip?" her friend inquired. "Oh, I can't tell you," she insisted,232 "I won't reveal it to anyone." "Come on," said the friend, "you can tell me; I swear I won't betray your secret." "Honestly," Scogin's wife said, "if I knew you'd keep my secret, I would tell you." Then the friend said, "Whatever you share, I will keep it to myself." "Oh," said Scogin's wife, "my husband expelled two Crows." "Jesus," exclaimed the friend, "I've never heard of such a thing!" As she met another friend, she claimed that Scogin had expelled three Crows. The story continued to spread, and by the time Matins was finished, the whole parish knew that Scogin had expelled twenty Crows. When the Priest was about to go into the Pulpit, someone came to ask him and the entire Parish to pray for Scogin because he had expelled twenty Crows. The Priest blessed him and said[pg 391] to the Congregation, "I urge you to pray for Scogin, for he is in danger of losing his life and has expelled 21 Crows." Soon thereafter, someone approached Scogin and asked, "Sir, is it true what was said in the church about you?" "What is that?" Scogin replied. "The Priest said in the Pulpit that you expelled 21 Crows." Scogin exclaimed, "What a lie!" Before long, the bells were rung for the Mass, and Scogin hurried to the Church, cheerful and lively. When the men and women saw him in church, they looked at each other in disbelief. After Mass, Scogin asked who they were to spread such a tale about him. Eventually, it became clear that the whole story originated from Scogin's wife.
230 Or parbreak, to vomit.
Or parbreak, to throw up.
231 Suppose or think.
Assume or consider.
232 An oath, a corruption of Jesus.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ An oath, a twist on Jesus.
[17.] A poor Countrey Boy came up to London to be an Apprentice to a Cobler, and seeing the Lord Mayors show, and hearing that Sir Simon Eyre who formerly was Lord Mayor, had been apprentice to a Shoemaker; one said to him, Is not this a brave show: I, says the Boy, 'tis this we must all come to.
[17.] A poor country boy came to London to be an apprentice to a cobbler. While watching the Lord Mayor's parade and hearing that Sir Simon Eyre, who was once Lord Mayor, had been an apprentice to a shoemaker, one person said to him, "Isn't this an amazing show?" The boy replied, "That's what we all have to come to."
[4.] A silly old fellow meeting his God son, ask'd whither he was going? To School, said the Boy: That's well, said he, there's a Penny for you; Be a good Boy, and mind your Book, and I hope I shall live to hear thee Preach my Funeral Sermon.
[4.] An old man met his godson and asked where he was going. "To school," said the boy. "That's great," he said. "Here's a penny for you. Be a good boy, focus on your studies, and I hope to be around to hear you preach my funeral sermon."
[94.] It was said by one, that a Hangman had a contemplative Profession, because he was never at work, but he was put in minde of his own end.
[94.] It was said by someone that a hangman had a thoughtful job because he was never really at work, but always reminded of his own fate.
[94.] Why do Ladies so affect slender wastes, said one? 'Tis (replied another) because their Expences may not be too great.
[94.] Why do women care so much about having slim waists? asked one. "It's because their expenses shouldn't be too high," replied another.
[67.] John Hall, beeing in a sheete (of printing, or writing) called, Knave, is said to have Carried it to ye Vice Ch.(ancellor) Dr Gouch to complaine, who beeing walking in his garden, and vexed that hee would trouble him wth such a [pg 392] frivolous matter, tare ye sheete & cast it abroad. John gathers up all ye pieces: ye Dr demanded why? Hee answered, I would bee loth to leave ye Knave in your worship's garden.
[67.] John Hall, being in a sheet (of printing or writing) called Knave, is said to have taken it to the Vice Chancellor Dr. Gouch to complain. While he was walking in his garden and annoyed that someone would bother him with such a frivolous matter, he tore the sheet and threw it away. John gathered up all the pieces. The Dr. asked why. He replied, "I wouldn't want to leave the Knave in your esteemed garden."
[94.] One commending a Taylor for his dexterity in his Profession; another standing by, ratified his opinion, saying, Taylors had their business at their fingers ends.
[94.] One person praised a tailor for his skill in his trade; another nearby agreed with this view, saying, Tailors have their work down to a science.
The Bad-Husbands Folly
or
Poverty made known.
A Man may waste and spend away his store,
A man can waste and squandering his resources,
But if misery comes he has no help therefore,
But if misery comes, he has no help.
This man that brought himself into decay,
This man who brought himself to ruin,
Shews other Good fellows that they go not astray.
Shows other good friends that they do not go astray.
To the Tune of Come hither my own sweet Duck.
To the Tune of Come hither my own sweet Duck.
I mean to sing a Song,
I intend to sing a song,
I have wrought my own decay,
I have brought about my own downfall,
and have done myself great wrong:
and have done myself a great disservice:
In following the Ale-house,
In following the pub,
I have spent away my store,
I have used up my supply,
Bad Company did me undo,
Bad Company let me down,
but i'le do so no more.
but I'll do so no more.
That man that haunts the Ale house,
That guy who haunts the bar,
and likewise the Drunken Crew,
and also the Drunken Crew,
Is in danger to dye a Beggar,
Is in danger of dying a beggar,
without any more ado;
without further ado;
Would I might be an Example
Would I could be an example
to all Good fellows sure;
to all good people for sure;
Bad Company &c
Bad Company, etc.
I had a fair Estate of Land,
I had a nice piece of land,
was worth forty pound a year,
was worth forty pounds a year,
I sold and Mortgaged all that,
I sold and mortgaged all of that,
and spent it in strong Beer:
and spent it on strong beer:
My wife and friends could not rule me,
My wife and friends couldn't control me,
until I did wax poor.
until I became very poor.
Bad Company &c
Bad Company, etc.
I came unto my Hostis,
I went to my Hostis,
and called for Liquor apace,
and asked for liquor quickly,
She saw my money was plenty,
She noticed I had a lot of money,
and she smiled in my face:
and she smiled in my face:
If I said fill a Flaggon,
If I said fill a flask,
they set two upon the score,
they placed two onto the score,
Bad Company &c
Bad Company etc.
I ranted night and day,
I ranted day and night,
and I let my Money flye,
and I let my money fly,
While my wife was almost dead with grief
While my wife was nearly overwhelmed with grief
to hear her Children cry:
to hear her kids cry:
For they were almost starv'd and pin'd
For they were nearly starving and suffering.
they wanted food so sore.
they wanted food so badly.
Bad Company &c
Bad Company, etc.
At two a Clock i' th' morn
At 2 o'clock in the morning
I would come Drunken home,
I would come home drunk,
And if my wife spoke but a word,
And if my wife said just a word,
I'de kick her about the Room;
I'd kick her around the room;
And domineer and swear,
And dominate and curse,
and call her —— and ——.
and call her —— and ——.
Bad Company &c
Bad Company etc.
Then I fell sick upon the same,
Then I got sick because of that,
and lay three months and more,
and lay for three months or more,
But never an Alewife in the Town,
But there was never an Alewife in the Town,
would come within my door:
would come through my door:
But my poor wife was my best friend,
But my poor wife was my closest friend,
and stuck to me therefore.
and stuck to me as a result.
Bad Company &c
Bad Company & Co.
My wife she sold her Petticoat,
My wife sold her petticoat.
and pawn'd her Wedding Ring,
and pawned her wedding ring,
To relieve me in my misery,
To relieve my pain,
in any kind of thing:
in anything:
O was not I a woful man,
O was not I a wretched man,
to waste and spend my store,
to waste and spend my resources,
And let my wife & children want at home
And let my wife and kids go without at home
but I'le do so no more.
but I won't do that anymore.
When I began to mend a little,
When I started to heal a bit,
I walke to take the air,
I walk to get some fresh air,
And as I went along the Town,
And as I walked through the town,
I came by my Hostises door:
I arrived at my host's door:
I askt her for to trust me two-pence,
I asked her to trust me for two pence,
she denyed me the more,
she denied me more,
The Money that I have spent with her,
The money I've spent with her,
but I'le do so no more.
but I won't do that anymore.
As soon as I get strength agen
As soon as I get my strength back.
i'le fall to work apace,
I'll get to work quickly,
To maintain my wife and children,
To support my wife and kids,
for my Hostises are base:
for my Hosts are basic:
I see who is a mans best friend,
I see who is a man's best friend,
if he be sick or poor.
if he is sick or poor.
Bad Company &c
Bad Company & Co
And when I do get money agen,
And when I do get money again,
I'le learn for to be wise,
I’ll learn to be smart,
And not believe that Drunken Crew,
And not believe that the Drunken Crew,
that filled my ears with lyes:
that filled my ears with lies:
And carry it home unto my wife
And take it home to my wife
and of my Children take more care.
and take better care of my children.
Bad Company &c
Bad Company, etc.
He runs a very long Race
He runs a really long race.
that never turns again;
that never turns again;
And brings himself unto disgrace,
And brings himself to shame,
and has poverty for his pain;
and feels pain from poverty;
But now I will be careful sure,
But now I will definitely be careful.
and forgo the Ale-house door.
and skip the pub entrance.
Bad Company &c
Bad Company, etc.
Now to conclude and make an end
Now let’s finish up.
what I have put in Rhime,
what I've written in rhyme,
That all Good-fellows they may se
That all good friends they may see
to mend their lives in time:
to fix their lives in time:
And learn for to be Thrifty,
And learn to be frugal,
to save something by in store.
to save something by in store.
Bad Company &c.
Bad Company & Co.
Printed for I. Deacon, at the Angel in Guilt Spur street, without Newgate.
Printed for I. Deacon, at the Angel on Guilt Spur Street, near Newgate.
[110.] There dwelled not farre from Maister Hobson, two very ancient women, the youngest of them both was above three score yeares of age, and uppon a time sitting at the taverne together, they grew at varience which of them should be the youngest (as women, indeede, desier to be accompted younger than they be) in such manner that they layd a good supper, of the valew of twenty shillings, for the truth thereof, and Maister Hobson they agreed upon to be their Judge of the difference. So after Maister Hobson had knowledge thereof, the one came to him, and as a present gave him a very faire pidgion pye, worth some five shillings, desiering him to passe the vardet233 of her side; within a while after, the other came, and gave Maister Hobson a very faire grayhound, which kind of dogges he much delighted in: praying him likewise to be favorable on her side, wherefore hee gave judgment that the [pg 396] woman that gave him the grayhound was the yonger, and so she wonn the supper of twenty shillings, Which she perceiving, came to him and sayd, Sir, I gave you a pidgion pie, and you promised the verdit should goe on my side. To whome Maister Hobson said, of a truth, good woman, there came a grayhound into my house, and eate up the pidgion pye, and so by that meanes I quite forgot thee.
[110.] There lived not far from Master Hobson two very old women, the younger of them was over sixty years old, and one time while sitting at the tavern together, they argued about which of them was younger (as women often want to be thought younger than they are). They decided to wager a nice dinner worth twenty shillings on the outcome, and agreed to have Master Hobson be the judge. After Master Hobson learned of this, one of the women came to him and, as a gift, gave him a beautiful pigeon pie worth about five shillings, asking him to favor her in the decision233. Shortly after, the other woman arrived and gifted Master Hobson a fine greyhound, a breed he particularly liked, also asking for his support on her behalf. Consequently, he declared that the woman who gave him the greyhound was the younger one, thus winning the twenty shilling dinner. When the first woman noticed, she approached him and said, "Sir, I gave you a pigeon pie, and you promised the verdict would be in my favor." To which Master Hobson replied, "Honestly, good woman, a greyhound came into my house and ate the pigeon pie, and that’s why I completely forgot about you."
233 Verdict.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Verdict.
[103.] A Soldier Quartering in Cambridge, often observ'd a Young Country Wench that Sold Piggs a Market Days, whereupon he went to her, and desir'd to see some of her Pigs, she having several, he said, he would have one alive, so she shewed him one that she had in a Bag. Well, Sweet heart, said he, I live hard by, I will go and shew the Pig to my Captain; if he like it, you shall have three shillings for it, but in the mean time I will leave the Money with you; thus having got the Pig tied up in the Bag, he went to his Lodging, and put in a Dog in the Bag instead of it, and returning quickly to the Damsel, said his Captain did not like the Pig, and therefore she took the Bag without looking into it, and gave him his Money again. Not long after came a French man in haste to buy a Pig, and he not liking those that were dead, would have a live One; Sir, said she, I have one of the same bigness alive, the Price of it is three Shillings, I will not sell it a Farthing Cheaper; well, said he, if you will not, here is your Money, but how shall I carry it? Why, for a Groat you shall have the Poke and all. Poke, what is dat? said Monsieur. 'Tis a Bag. Is dat de Poke? well here's a Groat. Thus away he goes with his Bargain home, but when he comes to look in the Poke, he see the Dog, O de diable, (said he) is dis de Pig? de Dible take me, if I do buy Pig in de Poke agen.
[103.] A soldier stationed in Cambridge often noticed a young local girl who sold pigs on market days. He approached her and asked to see some of her pigs. She had several, and he said he wanted one alive, so she showed him one that she had in a bag. "Well, sweetheart," he said, "I live nearby. I’ll take the pig to show my captain. If he likes it, I’ll give you three shillings for it. In the meantime, I’ll leave the money with you." Having secured the pig in the bag, he went back to his place and put a dog in the bag instead. When he returned to the girl, he told her his captain didn’t like the pig, so she took the bag without checking it and gave him his money back. Not long after, a Frenchman hurried in to buy a pig, and since he didn’t like the dead ones, he wanted a live one. "Sir," she said, "I have one of the same size alive, and it costs three shillings. I won’t sell it for a penny less." The Frenchman replied, "If that's the case, here’s your money. But how will I carry it?" "For a groat, you can have the bag and all," she said. "Bag? What is that?" asked the Frenchman. "It’s a bag." "Is that the bag? Well, here’s a groat." So off he went with his purchase, but when he looked inside the bag, he saw the dog and exclaimed, "Oh dear, is this the pig? The devil take me if I buy a pig in the bag again!"
The Brewer.234
Theres none to the Brewer compared may be;
There's no one like the Brewer.
For so many several wayes works he,
For so many different ways he works,
Which nobody can deny.
That no one can deny.
A Brewer may put on a noble face,
A brewer might wear a dignified expression,
And come to the wars with such a grace,
And join the battles with such elegance,
That he may obtain a Captains place;
That he can get a captain's position;
Which nobody can deny.
That no one can deny.
A Brewer may speak so learnedly well,
A brewer can talk about their craft so expertly,
And raise such stories for to tell,
And share such stories to tell,
That he may be come a Colonel;
That he may become a Colonel;
Which &c
Which c
A Brewer may be a Parliament man,
A brewer can be a member of Parliament,
For so his knavery first began,
For that's how his deceit first started,
And work the most cunning plots he can;
And come up with the smartest schemes he can;
Which &c
Which c
A Brewer may be so bold a Hector,
A Brewer can be quite the bold hero,
That when he has drunk a cup of Nectar
That when he has drunk a cup of Nectar
He may become a Lord Protector;
He might become a Lord Protector;
Which &c
Which etc.
A Brewer may do all these things, you see,
A brewer can do all these things, you see,
Without controul, nay he may be
Without control, in fact, he might be
Lord Chancellor of the University:
Chancellor of the University:
Which &c
Which etc.
A Brewer may sit like a Fox in his cub,
A brewer can sit like a fox in its den,
And preach a Lecture out of a tub,
And give a lecture from a tub,
And give the world a wicked rub;
And give the world a good rub;
Which &c
Which c
But here remaines the strangest thing,
But here remains the strangest thing,
How he about his plots did bring,
How he brought about his plans,
That he should be Emperour above a King;
That he should be Emperor over a King;
Which no body can deny, deny;
Which no one can deny;
Which no body dares deny.
Which nobody dares deny.
234 A satire on Oliver Cromwell.
A satire about Oliver Cromwell.
[17.] Two Gentlemen riding from Shipton to Burford together, and seeing the Miller of Burford riding softly before on his sacks, resolved to abuse him; so one went on one side of him, and t'other on the other, saying Miller, now tell us, which art thou, more Knave or Fool? Truly, says he, I know not which I am most but I think I am between both.
[17.] Two guys riding from Shipton to Burford together saw the Miller of Burford riding slowly ahead on his sacks and decided to mess with him; so one went on one side and the other on the other side, saying, "Miller, tell us, which are you, more of a knave or a fool?" He replied, "Honestly, I’m not sure which I am more, but I think I’m somewhere in between."
[105.] On a time as Scogin was riding to the Abbot of Bury, hee asked of a Cowheard how far it was to Bury. The Cowheard said twenty miles. May I, said Scogin, ride thither to night: yea, said the Cowheard, if you ride not too fast, and also if you ride not a good pace, you will be wet ere you come halfe waye there. As Scogin was riding on his way, he did see a cloud arise that was blacke, and being afraid to be wet, he spurred his horse and did ride a great pace, and riding so fast, his horse stumbled and strained his leg, and might not goe. Scogin revolving in his mind the Cowheards words, did set up his horse at a poore mans house, and returned to the Cowheard, supposing that he had beene a good Astronomer, because hee said, if you ride not too fast, you may be at Bury tonight, and alsoe if you doe not ride fast you shal be wet ere you come there. Scogin said to the Cowheard, what shall I give thee to tell mee, when I shall have raine or faire weather? There goeth a bargain, said the Cowheard: what wilt thou give me? Scogin said, Twenty shillings. Nay, said the Cowheard, for forty Shillings I will tell you and teach you, but I will be paid first. Hold the money, said Scogin. The Cowheard said, Sir, doe you see yonder Cow with the cut tail? Yea, said Scogin. Sir, said the Cowheard, when that she doth begin to set up her rumpe, and draw to a hedge or bush, within an houre after we shall have raine: therefore take the Cow with you, and keepe her as I doe, and you shall ever be sure to know when you shall have faire weather or foule. Nay, said Scogin keepe thy Cow still, and give me twenty shillings of my mony. That is of my gentlenes saith the Cowheard, howbeit you seeme to bee an honest man, there is twenty Shillings.
[105.] Once, while Scogin was riding to see the Abbot of Bury, he asked a cowherd how far it was to Bury. The cowherd replied it was twenty miles. "Can I ride there tonight?" Scogin asked. "Yes," said the cowherd, "but if you ride too fast or at a slow pace, you’ll be wet before you reach halfway." As Scogin continued on his way, he noticed a dark cloud forming and, fearing he would get wet, he urged his horse to go faster. However, while riding so quickly, his horse stumbled and injured its leg, unable to go any further. Remembering the cowherd's words, Scogin stopped at a poor man’s house to rest his horse and returned to the cowherd, thinking he must be a knowledgeable astronomer for saying, "If you don’t ride too fast, you could make it to Bury tonight, but if you do ride fast, you’ll get wet before you arrive." Scogin asked the cowherd what he would charge to predict when it would rain or be sunny. "That sounds like a deal," said the cowherd. "What will you give me?" Scogin replied, "Twenty shillings." "No," said the cowherd, "for forty shillings I’ll tell you and teach you, but you have to pay me first." "Hold onto the money," Scogin said. The cowherd pointed to a cow with a cut tail. "Do you see that cow over there?" "Yes," said Scogin. "When she starts raising her back end and heads towards a hedge or bush, it means rain will come within an hour. So, take the cow with you and care for her as I do, and you’ll always know when the weather will be fair or foul." "No," replied Scogin, "you keep your cow and just give me twenty shillings of my money back." "That's very generous of me," said the cowherd, "but since you seem like an honest man, here are your twenty shillings."
JOAN'S Ale is New;235 or:
A new merry Medley, shewing the power, the strength, the operation, and the vertue that remains in good Ale, which is accounted the Mother-drink of England.
A new cheerful mix, showing the power, strength, function, and goodness that exists in good ale, which is regarded as the Mother Drink of England.
All you that do this merry Ditty view,
All of you who are checking out this cheerful song,
Taste of Joan's Ale, for it is strong and new.
Taste of Joan's Ale, because it is bold and fresh.
To a pleasant New Northern Tune.
To a cheerful new Northern song.
Which was a good Ale Drinker,
Which was a good beer drinker,
He never was a shrinker,
He was never a shrinker,
believe me this is true.
trust me, this is true.
And he came from the wild236 of Kent,
And he came from the wild of Kent,
When all his money was gone and spent,
When he had spent all his money,
Which made him like a Jack a Lent.
Which made him like a Jack of all trades.
And Jones Ale is new,
And Jones Ale is fresh,
And Jones Ale is new Boys,
And Jones Ale is the new drink for the guys,
And Jones Ale is new.
And Jones Ale is brand new.
The Tinker he did settle,
The Tinker settled down,
Most like a man of Mettle,
Most prefer a determined man,
And vow'd to pawn his Kettle,
And promised to sell his kettle,
now mark what did ensue.
now note what happened next.
His Neibors they flockt in apace,
His neighbors quickly came over,
To see Tom Tinker's comely face,
To see Tom Tinker's handsome face,
Where they drank soundly for a space,
Where they drank deeply for a while,
Whilst Jones Ale &c
While Jones Ale &c
The Cobler and the Broom-man,
The Cobbler and the Broommaker,
Came next into the room man,
Came next into the room a man,
And said they would drink for boon man
And said they would drink for the good of the man.
let each one take his due.
let each person take their due.
But when good liquor they found,
But when they found good liquor,
They cast their caps upon the ground
They threw their hats on the ground.
And to the Tinker they drank round;
And they all drank to the Tinker;
Whilst Jones Ale &c
While Jones Ale &c
The Rag man he being weary,
The ragman, feeling worn out,
With the bundle he did carry,
With the bundle he had,
He swore he would be merry,
He promised he would be happy,
and spend a shilling or two.
and spend a dollar or two.
And he told his Hostis to her face,
And he said it directly to her face,
The Chimney Corner was his place
The Chimney Corner was his spot
And he began (to) drink apace.
And he started drinking fast.
And Jones Ale &c
And Jones Ale & Co.
The Pedler he grew nigher,
The Pedler got closer,
For it was his desire,
For it was what he wanted,
To throw the Rags i'th' fire,
To throw the rags in the fire,
and burn the bundle blew.
and burn the bundle blew.
So whilst they drank whole flashes,
So while they drank entire glasses,
And threw about the Glasses,
And tossed around the glasses,
The rags were burnt to ashes,
The rags were burned to ashes,
And Jones Ale &c
And Jones Ale & Co.
And then came in a Hatter,
And then a Hatter walked in,
To see what was the matter,
To find out what was going on,
He scorned to drink cold water,
He refused to drink cold water,
amongst that Jovial crew.
among that cheerful crew.
And like a man of courage stout,
And like a true hero,
He took the quart-pot by the snout,
He grabbed the quart pot by the handle,
And never left till all was out,
And didn't leave until everything was out,
O Jones Ale &c
O Jones Ale & Co
The Taylor being nimble
The nimble Taylor
With Bodkin, Shears, and Thimble,
With Bodkin, Shears, and Thimble,
He did no whit dessemble,
He didn't hide anything,
I think his name was True
I think his name was True
He said that he was like to choak,
He said that he felt like he was going to choke,
And called so fast for lap and smoak,
And called so quickly for a lap and a smoke,
Until he had pawned his Vinegar Cloake,
Until he had pawned his Vinegar Cloak,
For Jones Ale &c
For Jones Ale & Co.
Then came a pittiful Porter,
Then came a pitiful porter,
Which often did resort there,
Which often went there,
Quoth he i'le shew some sport here,
Quoth he, "I'll show some fun here,"
amongst this jovial crew.
with this cheerful crew.
The Porter he had very bad luck,
The porter had really bad luck,
Before that it was ten o'clock,
Before that, it was 10 AM.
The fool got drunk and lost his frock,
The fool got drunk and lost his coat,
For Jones Ale &c.
For Jones Ale & Co.
The bony brave Shoomaker,
The tough brave Shoomaker,
A brave Tobacco taker,
A courageous tobacco user,
He scorned to be a Quaker
He looked down on being a Quaker.
I think his name was Hugh.
I think his name was Hugh.
He called for liquor in so fast,
He ordered drinks fast,
Till he forgot his Awl and Last,
Till he forgot his awl and last,
And up the reckonings he did cast,
And he tallied the totals,
Whilst Jones Ale &c
While Jones Ale &c
And then came in the Weaver,
And then the Weaver came in,
You never saw a braver,
You never saw someone braver,
With a Silk-man, and a Glover,
With a silk merchant and a glove maker,
Tom Tinker for to view
Tom Tinker to view
And so to welcome him to Town,
And so to welcome him to town,
They every man spent half a crown,
They each spent half a crown,
And so the drink went merrily down,
And so the drink went down smoothly,
For Jones Ale &c
For Jones Ale & Co.
Then came a drunken Dutchman,
Then came a drunken Dutchman,
And he would have a touch, man,
And he would have a vibe, man,
But he soon took too much, man,
But he soon took too much, man,
which made them after rue.
which made them after regret.
He drank so long as I suppose,
He drank for as long as I think,
Till greasie drops fell from his nose,
Till greasy drops fell from his nose,
And like a beast befoul'd his hose,
And like a filthy animal, his clothes,
Whilst Jones Ale &c
While Jones Ale &c
A Welshman he came next, Sir,
A Welshman came next, dude,
With joy and sorrow mixt Sir,
With joy and sorrow mixed, Sir,
Who being partly vext Sir,
Who was partly annoyed, Sir,
he out his dagger drew.
he drew his dagger.
Cuts-plutter-a-nails, quoth Taffie then,
Cuts-plutter-a-nails, said Taffie then,
A Welshman is a Shentleman
A Welshman is a gentleman.
Come Hostis fill's the other Can,
Come Hostis fills the other can,
For Jones Ale &c.
For Jones Ale & Co.
Thus like to men of courage stout,
Thus, like brave men,
Courageously they drank about,
They bravely took a drink,
Till such time all the ale was out,
Till all the ale was gone,
as I may say to you.
as I can say to you.
And when the business was done,
And when the work was finished,
They every man departed home,
They all went home.
And promised Jone again to come,
And promised Jone again that he would come,
when she had brew'd anew.
when she made it fresh.
FINIS.
DONE.
Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere, J. Wright, J. Clarke, W. Thackeray and T. Passinger.
Printed for F. Coles, T. Vere, J. Wright, J. Clarke, W. Thackeray, and T. Passinger.
236 Weald.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Weald.
[17.] A Shoomaker thought to mock a Collier being black, saying, What news from Hell? how fares the Devil? Faith, says the Collier, he was just riding forth as I came thither, and wanted nothing but a Shoomaker to pluck on his boots.
[17.] A shoemaker decided to tease a coal miner for being black, saying, "What’s the news from Hell? How’s the Devil doing?" The coal miner replied, "He was just setting out as I got there and needed nothing but a shoemaker to help him put on his boots."
THE SCOTS HOLDING THEIR YOVNG KINGES NOSE TO YE GRINSTONE
THE SCOTS HOLDING THEIR YOUNG KING'S NOSE TO YE GRINSTONE
Come to the Grinstone Charles tis now to late
Come to the Grinstone, Charles, it's now too late
To Recolect, tis presbiterian fate
To Collect, it's Presbyterian fate
You Couinant pretenders must I bee
You counterfeit pretenders, must I be
The subiect of youer Tradgie Comedie.
The theme of your Tragicomedy.
"Stoope Charles."
"Stoop, Charles."
Jockie
Jock
The date of this curious political caricature is 14th July 1651. It must be remembered that Charles II. was crowned at Scone on 1st January 1651, and this satire deals with the behaviour of the Scots towards their young monarch. It is too long to give in extenso, but the following will give a fair idea of its tenor. Above the illustration are printed these lines:—
The date of this interesting political cartoon is July 14, 1651. It's important to remember that Charles II was crowned at Scone on January 1, 1651, and this satire addresses how the Scots treated their young king. It's too lengthy to provide in extenso, but the following will give a good sense of its content. Above the illustration are printed these lines:—
Jockey. "I. Jockey turne the stone of all your plots,
Jockey. "I. Jockey, you’ve uncovered the secret behind all your schemes,
For none turns faster than the turne-coat Scots
For no one turns their back faster than the turncoat Scots.
Presbytor. We for our ends did make thee King, be sure
Presbytor. We made you King for our own purposes, you can be sure of that.
Not to rule us, we will not that endure.
Not to control us, we won’t tolerate that.
King. You deep dissemblers, I know what you doe,
King. You dishonest people, I know what you're doing,
And for revenges sake, I will dissemble too."
And for the sake of revenge, I’ll pretend too.
On either side of the print is a long poem, of which I will only give the commencement:—
On each side of the print is a long poem, and I will only share the beginning:—
"This Embleme needs no learned Exposition,
"This emblem doesn't need any complicated explanation,
The World knows well enough the sad condition
The world knows all too well the sad condition
Of Regall Power, and Prerogative
Of royal power and privilege
Dead, and dethron'd in England, now alive
Dead, and dethroned in England, now alive
In Scotland, where they seem to love the Lad,
In Scotland, where they seem to really appreciate the guy,
If hee'l be more obsequious than his Dad.
If he'll be more submissive than his dad.
And Act according to Kirk Principles,
And act according to Kirk Principles,
More subtile than were Delphick Oracles.
More subtle than Delphic Oracles.
For let him lye, dissemble, kill and slay,
For let him lie, pretend, kill, and slay,
Hee's a good Prince that will the Kirk obey," etc. etc.
He’s a good prince who will obey the Church," etc. etc.
[110.] Upon a new yeares day Maister Hobson sitting at dinner in a Poets Company, or one, as you may tearme him, a writer of histories, there came a poore man and presented him a cople of orringes, which hee kindly tooke as a new yeares guift, and gave the poore man for the same, an angell of goold, and there upon gave it to his wife to lay it up among his other jewels, considering that it had likewise cost him an Angel, the which she did. The Poet sitting by, and marking the bounty of Ma. Hobson for so small a matter, he went home, and devised a booke contayning forty sheets of paper, which was halfe a yeare in writing, and came and gave it to Maister Hobson in dedication, and thought in his mind, that he, in recompencing the poore man so much for an orringe, would yeeld far more recompence for his booke, being so long in studying. Maister Hobson tooke the Poets booke thankfully, and perseving he did it onely for his bounty shewed for the orringe given him: willed his wife to fetch the said orringe, which he gave to the Poet, being then almost rotten, saying, here is a jewel which cost me a thousand times the worth in gould, therefore I think thou art well satisfied for thy bookes dedication: the poet seeing this, went his way all a shamed.
[110.] On New Year's Day, Mr. Hobson was having dinner with a group of poets, or one could say a historian, when a poor man came up and offered him a couple of oranges. He gratefully accepted them as a New Year's gift and in return gave the poor man an angel of gold. He then handed it to his wife to keep with his other jewels, since it cost him an angel as well. The poet sitting nearby noticed Mr. Hobson's generosity over something so minor. Later, he went home and wrote a book containing forty sheets of paper, which took him half a year to complete. When it was finished, he presented it to Mr. Hobson as a dedication, assuming that since Mr. Hobson generously rewarded the poor man for the orange, he would surely reward him even more for his lengthy effort in writing the book. Mr. Hobson accepted the poet's book with gratitude and realizing that it was done out of appreciation for the orange, asked his wife to fetch the orange he had received. He then gave it to the poet, who found it nearly rotten, and said, "Here’s a jewel that cost me a thousand times its worth in gold, so I think you should be satisfied with your book's dedication." The poet, upon seeing this, left feeling quite embarrassed.
[26.] A deaf Man was selling Pears at the Towns end in St Gileses, and a Gentleman riding out o' th' Town, askt him what 'twas a Clock? He said Ten a Penny, Master: Then [pg 405] he askt him agen what 'twas a Clock? He told 'em indeed he could afford no more. You Rogue, says he, I'll kick you about the streets. Then says the man, Sir, if you won't, another will.
[26.] A deaf man was selling pears at the edge of town in St Giles’s, and a gentleman riding out of town asked him what time it was. He replied, "Ten a penny, sir." Then [pg 405] he asked him again what time it was. The man told him he could not afford to say more. “You rogue,” the gentleman said, “I’ll kick you around the streets.” The man replied, “Sir, if you won’t, someone else will.”
[4.] A woman coming to a Parson, desir'd him to preach a Funeral Sermon on her Son that was lately dead; the Parson promised her to do it; but she desiring to know the Price of his Sermon; he told her it was Twenty Shillings. Twenty Shillings! says she, An Ass spoke for an Angel, and won't you speak under Twenty Shillings? The Parson being a little netled at her, told her she was better fed than taught. Sir, says she, 'tis very true; for my Husband feeds me, and You teach me.
[4.] A woman approached a pastor and asked him to give a funeral sermon for her son who had recently died. The pastor agreed but when she asked how much it would cost, he told her it was twenty shillings. "Twenty shillings?" she exclaimed, "An ass spoke for an angel, and you won’t speak for less than twenty shillings?" The pastor, slightly irritated by her response, remarked that she was better fed than educated. "That’s true," she replied, "because my husband feeds me, and you teach me."
[93.] George (Peele) was at Bristow, and there staying somewhat longer than his coyne would last him, his Palfrey that should bee his Carrier to London, his head was growne so big, that he could not get him out of the stable; it so fortuned at that instant, certaine Players came to the Towne, and lay at that Inne where George Peele was: to whom George was well knowne, being in that time an excellent Poet, and had acquaintance of most of the best Players in England; from the triviall sort hee was but so so; of which these were, only knew George by name, no otherwise. There was not past three of the Companie come with the Carriage, the rest were behinde, by reason of a long Journey they had; so that night they could not enact; which George hearing, had presently a Stratageme in his head, to get his Horse free out of the stable, and Money in his Purse to beare his charges up to London. And thus it was: Hee goes directly to the Maior, tels him he was a Scholler and a Gentleman, and that he had a certaine Historie of the Knight of the Rodes; and withall, how Bristow was first founded, and by whom, and a briefe237 of all those that before him had succeeded in Office in that worshipfull Citie: desiring the Maior, that he, with his presence, and the rest of his Brethren, would grace his labors. The Maior agreed to it, gave him leave, and withall appointed [pg 406] him a place: but for himselfe, hee could not be there, being in the evening: but bade him make the best benefit he could of the Citie; and very liberally gave him an Angell, which George thankfully receives, and about his businesse he goes, got his Stage made, his Historey cryed, and hyred the Players Apparell, to furnish out his Shew, promising to pay them liberally; and withall desired them they would favour him so much, as to gather him his money at the doore; (for hee thought it his best course to imploy them, lest they should spie out his knaverie; for they have perillous heads.) They willingly yeeld to doe him any kindnes that lyes in them; in briefe, carry their apparell in the Hall, place themselves at the doore, where George in the meane time, with the tenne shillings he had of the Maior, delivered his Horse out of Purgatorie, and carries him to the Townes end, and there placeth him, to be ready at his comming. By this time the Audience were come, and some forty shillings gathered, which money George put in his purse, and putting on one of the Players Silke Robes, after the trumpet had sounded thrice, out he comes, makes low obeysance, goes forward with his Prologue, which was thus:
[93.] George (Peele) was in Bristol, and since he was staying there longer than his money would last, his horse that was supposed to take him to London had gotten so big that he couldn’t get him out of the stable. At that moment, some actors arrived in town and stayed at the same inn where George Peele was. George was well-known to them, being an excellent poet at the time, and he had connections with many of the best actors in England; among the lesser known actors, he was mostly just known by name. Only three members of the company had arrived with the carriage; the rest were delayed because of a long journey, so they couldn’t perform that night. When George heard this, he quickly thought of a plan to get his horse out of the stable and have some money in his pocket to cover his expenses to London. Here’s what happened: He went straight to the mayor, introduced himself as a scholar and a gentleman, and told him he had a certain story about the Knight of the Roads, along with how Bristol was first founded and by whom, and a brief 237 of all those who had previously held office in that respected city. He asked the mayor to honor his work with his presence and that of his fellow council members. The mayor agreed, gave him permission, and also assigned him a spot. However, he couldn’t be there himself because it was in the evening; he encouraged George to make the most of the opportunity in the city and generously gave him an angel, which George gratefully accepted. Then he went about his business, got the stage set up, announced his story, and rented the players' costumes to complete his show, promising to pay them generously. He also asked them to help him by collecting money at the door, thinking it would be best to involve them in case they noticed his trickery, as they could be quite sharp. They eagerly agreed to help him in any way they could. In short, they took their costumes into the hall, positioned themselves at the door, while George used the ten shillings he received from the mayor to rescue his horse from purgatory, and took him to the edge of town, where he got him ready for his return. By this time the audience had arrived, and about forty shillings had been collected, which George put in his purse. Putting on one of the actors' silk robes, after the trumpet sounded three times, he came out, bowed low, and proceeded with his prologue, which was as follows:
A trifling Toy, a Jest of no account, pardie.
A trivial toy, a joke that doesn't matter, seriously.
The Knight, perhaps, you think for to bee I:
The Knight, maybe you think that I am:
Think on so still; for why, you know that thought is free,
Think about it for a moment; because, you know that thought is free,
Sit still a while, I'le send the Actors to ye.
Sit still for a moment, I'll send the actors to you.
Which being said, after some fire workes that hee had made of purpose, threw out among them, and downe stayres goes he, gets to his Horse, and so with fortie shillings to London; leaves the Players to answer it; who when the Jest was knowne, their innocence excused them, beeing as well gulled as the Maior and the Audience.
Which being said, after some fireworks that he had made on purpose, he threw them out among them and went downstairs, got to his horse, and so with forty shillings headed to London; leaving the Players to deal with it; who, when the joke was revealed, were excused for their innocence, being just as fooled as the Mayor and the audience.
237 A list or catalogue.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ A list or catalog.
[82.] There was a faire ship of two hundred tuns lying at the Tower Wharfe at London, where a Countryman passing by, most earnestly looked on the said ship, and demanded how old shee was. One made answer that she was a yeare old. Good Lord blesse me, said the Countryman, is shee so [pg 407] big growne in one yeere, what a greatnesse will shee bee by the time she comes to my age?
[82.] There was a fair ship of two hundred tons docked at the Tower Wharf in London, where a countryman passing by took a good look at the ship and asked how old it was. Someone replied that it was a year old. Good Lord, the countryman exclaimed, is she that big after just one year? How enormous will she be when she reaches my age? [pg 407]
[82.] Twelve Schollers riding together, one of them said, my masters, let us ride faster. Why? quoth another, methinks wee ride a good pace, I'le warrant it is foure mile an hour. Alas, said the first, what is foure mile an houre amongst us all?
[82.] Twelve scholars were riding together, and one of them said, "Guys, let's speed up." "Why?" replied another. "I think we're going at a decent pace, I bet it's four miles an hour." "Oh no," said the first, "what does four miles an hour mean for all of us?"
[17.] A patient man coming home from work, but it seems did not bring home to his Shrewish Wife so much money as she expected; with that she flew about his ears, and did so jole him! Good wife, says he, be quiet, for I would willingly wear my bands without cuffs, if you please.
[17.] A patient man coming home from work, but it seems he didn't bring home as much money as his nagging wife expected; with that, she started to scream at him and really annoyed him! "Calm down, dear," he says, "because I would gladly wear my cuffs without sleeves if that makes you happy."
[105.] On a night Scogin and his chamber-fellow, and two or three of the Bishops servants being merrily disposed, consult how they might have good cheere and pay no money, and every one invented a way as they thought best. At last Scogin said, I have invented a cleanly shift. At the signe of the Crowne against Peter's Church, is a new Tapster, which ere this hath not seene any of us, and he is also purblind, so that if he see us hereafter, he cannot know us. Therefore wee will goe thither and make good cheere, and when we have a reckoning, we will contend who shall pay all; then will I say to avoid the contention, that the Tapster shall be blinded, and we wil run round about him, and whosoever he catcheth first, let him pay for all, and so we may escape away. Every man liked Scogin's device best, so in conclusion they came thither, and had good cheere, for they spared no cost: so that in the end their reckoning drew to ten Shillings. Then as Scogin had devised afore, they did. The Tapster was blinded, so they ran round about him, and first Scogin got out, and then another, so that at last they got all away, and left the tapster groping in every place about the house for him that should pay the shot. The master of the house being in a chamber next to the place where they were, and hearing the stamping that they made, came in to see what they did, whom the Tapster caught in his armes, saying, Sir, you must pay the [pg 408] reckoning. Marry, said his Master, so I thinke I must indeed, for here is no body else to pay it. Then the Tapster and his Master sought and enquired for Scogin and the rest, but they could neither find them, nor heare newes of them.
[105.] One night, Scogin and his chamber mate, along with a couple of the Bishop's servants, were in a cheerful mood and discussed how they could enjoy a nice meal without spending any money. Everyone came up with their own ideas. Finally, Scogin said, "I have a clever plan. At the Crown near Peter's Church, there's a new bartender who hasn't seen any of us before, and he’s also half-blind, so he won’t recognize us later. Let’s go there, have a good time, and when the bill comes, we’ll argue about who should pay. Then I’ll suggest to avoid the argument that the bartender should be blindfolded, and we’ll run around him. Whichever one he catches first will have to pay for everything, and that way, we can all escape." Everyone thought Scogin's idea was the best, so they went there and truly enjoyed themselves without holding back on spending. In the end, their bill came to ten shillings. Following Scogin’s plan, they blindfolded the bartender, ran around him, and first Scogin got away, then another, until they all managed to escape and left the bartender searching around the place for someone to pay the bill. The owner of the tavern, who was in a room next to where they were, heard all the noise and came in to see what was happening. The bartender grabbed him and said, "Sir, you need to pay the bill." The owner replied, "Well, I guess I must, since there’s no one else here to settle it." Then the bartender and the owner looked for Scogin and the others, but they couldn’t find them or hear anything about them.
[94.] Hangmen practice their cunning for the most part upon good natur'd men, because they are ready to forgive, before the hurt be attempted.
[94.] Hangmen mostly use their tricks on kind-hearted people since they are quick to forgive even before any wrong is done.
[4.] A Parson who had not much Wit to spare, seeing his Son play roguish Tricks, Why, Sirrah, said he, did you ever see me do so, when I was a Boy, as you are?
[4.] A priest who wasn't very clever noticed his son playing mischievous tricks and said, "Hey, did you ever see me act like this when I was a boy?"
[4.] A Precise Fellow hearing much swearing in a Bowling Green, said, For Shame Gentlemen, forbear, it is God's great mercy the Bowling Green doth not fall on your Heads.
[4.] A precise guy who heard a lot of cursing in a bowling alley said, “Shame on you, gentlemen, stop it. It’s God’s great mercy that the bowling alley doesn’t fall on your heads.”
Nick and Froth;
or
The Good-fellows' Complaint About Not Having Enough.
Discovering the Deceits, and Abuses of Victuallers, Tapsters, Ale Drapers; and all the rest of the Society of Drunkard Makers, by filling their drink in false Flaggons, Pimping Tankerds, Cans call'd Ticklers; Rabbits, Jugs, and short Quarterns, To the Grand Abuse of the Society of Good Fellowship.
Exposing the Lies, and Misconduct of Food and Drink Sellers, Bartenders, Beer Merchants; and all the others in the Business of Making Drunkards, by serving their beverages in fake Flasks, Sleazy Tankards, containers called Ticklers; Rabbits, Jugs, and small Quarters, To the Major Misconduct of the Good Fellowship Society.
Good Fellows Drinks their Liquor without flinching;
Good friends drink their liquor without hesitation;
Then why should knavish Tapsters use such pinching.
Then why should sneaky bartenders be so stingy?
Tune of, We'l Drink this Old Ale no more, no more.
Tune of, We’ll Drink this Old Ale no more, no more.
[124.]All you yt are Free-men of Ale-Drapers Hall,
[124.]All you young people are free members of Ale-Drapers Hall,
And Tapsters wherever you be,
And Tapsters, wherever you are,
Be sure you be ready to come at my call,
Be sure you’re ready to come when I call,
And your Knavery here you shall see.
And you'll see your trickery here.
A Knot of Good-fellows we are here inclin'd,
A group of good friends we are here inclined,
To Challenge you out if you dare,
To challenge you, if you’re up for it,
A very sharp Tryal you're like to find,
A really intense trial you're about to experience,
Although it be at your own Bar.
Although it is at your own Bar.
Your Cheats and Abuses we long did abide,
Your tricks and wrongdoings we tolerated for a long time,
But times are so wondrous hard,
But times are really hard,
That Loosers may speak, it cannot be deny'd,
That losers may speak, it can't be denied,
Of our Measure we have been debar'd.
Of our measure, we've been denied.
But now we'l show you a trick (you knaves)
But now we'll show you a trick (you guys)
And lay you open to view,
And expose you for all to see,
It's all for your Froth and your Nick (you slaves)
It's all for your Froth and your Nick (you guys)
And tell you no more than is true.
And I'll only tell you what's true.
If in a cold Morning we chance to come,
If we happen to arrive on a cold morning,
And bid a Good Morrow, my Host,
And wish a good morning, my Host,
And call for some Ale, you will bring us black Pots
And call for some beer; you’ll bring us dark mugs.
Yet scarce will afford us a Toast.
Yet we can hardly raise a Toast.
For those yt drink Beer, 'tis true as i'me here,
For those who drink beer, it's true as I'm here,
Your Counterfeit Flaggons you have,
Your fake flagons you have,
Which holds not a Quart, scarce by a third part,
Which holds not a quart, barely by a third.
And yt makes my Hostis go brave.
And yet it makes my enemy act bravely.
But now Pimping Tankerds are all in use,
But now Pimping Tankerds are all being used,
Which drains a Man's Pocket in brief,
Which quickly empties a man's wallet,
For he that sits close, and takes off his Dose,
For the person who sits nearby and takes their dose,
Will find that the Tankerd's a Thief.
Will find that the Tankerd's a Thief.
Bee't Tankerd or Flaggon, which of them you brag on,
Bee't Tankerd or Flaggon, whichever one you boast about,
We'l trust you to Nick and to Froth,
We'll trust you to Nick and to Froth,
Before we can Drink, be sure it will shrink,
Before we drink, make sure it will shrink,
Far worser than North Country Cloth.
Far worse than North Country Cloth.
When Summer is coming, then hey, brave boys,
When summer is coming, then hey, brave guys,
The tickling Cans they run round,
The tickling cans they run around,
Pray tak't in good part, for a Winchester Quart238
Pray take it in good spirit, for a Winchester Quart238
Will fill six, I dare lay you a Pound.
Will fill six, I bet you a pound.
Your Rabbits and Jugs, and Coffee House Mugs,
Your rabbits and jugs, and coffee house mugs,
Are ready whene're you do call,
I'm ready whenever you call.
A P— take his Trade, such Measure that's made,
A P— take his trade, such measure that’s made,
I wish that old Nick had them all.
I wish that old Nick had them all.
When we have a Fancy our Noses to Steel,
When we have a Fancy, our Noses to Steel,
Be sure the short Pot must fall to our lot,
Be sure the small pot must come our way,
For now they are all in request.
For now, they are all being requested.
Scarce one house in twenty, where measure is plenty,
Scarce one house in twenty, where measure is plenty,
But still they are all for the Pinch;
But still, they're all in for the Pinch;
Thus, every day they drive Custom away,
Thus, every day they drive Custom away,
And force us good-Fellows to flinch,
And make us good friends flinch,
Sometimes a Man may leave something to pay,
Sometimes a man might leave something to settle,
Though seldom he did it before;
Though he rarely did it before;
With Marlborough Cholke you his patience provoke,
With Marlborough Cholke, you test his patience,
Whenever he clears off his score.
When he pays off his debt.
The women likewise which are not precise,
The women who are not careful,
But will take a Cup of the best,
But will take a cup of the best,
Tho they drink for pleasure, they'l have their measure
Though they drink for pleasure, they'll have their share.
Or else you shall have little rest.
Or else you won’t get much rest.
There's Billings-gate Nan, all her whole gang,
There's Billings-gate Nan and her crew,
Complaining for want of their due;
Complaining about what they deserve;
True Topers they are, as e're scor'd at Bar,
True drinkers they are, just like we've judged at the bar,
For they'l drink till their Noses look blew.
For they'll drink until their noses look blue.
A Pot and a Toast will make them to boast,
A pot and a toast will make them brag,
Of things that are out of their reach;
Of things that are beyond their reach;
So long as a Groat remains in the Coat,
So long as a groat is still in the coat,
They over good Liquor will preach.
They will preach over good liquor.
In Shoo Makers Row there's true hearts you know,
In Shoo Makers Row, there are genuine hearts, you know,
But give them their Measure and weight,
But give them their measure and weight,
They'l scorn for to stir but stick like a Bur,
They'll look down on any effort to change but cling on like a burr,
And Tope it from Morning till Night.
And keep it going from morning till night.
Then there's honest Smug yt with a full jug
Then there's honest Smug yt with a full jug
Will set all his Brains in a float;
Will will put all his thoughts out there;
But you are such Sots as to fill him small Pots,
But you are such fools that you fill him small pots,
Will scarce quench yt spark in his Throat.
Will barely put out the spark in his throat.
With many such Blades, of several Trades,
With many of these Blades, from different trades,
Which freely their Money will spend;
Which will freely spend their money;
But fill them good drink, they value not chink
But give them good drinks, they don't care about money.
Wherever they meet with a friend.
Wherever they run into a friend.
Most Trades in ye Nation gives their approbation,
Most trades in the nation give their approval,
How that you are much for to blame;
How you are really to blame;
Then make no excuses, but cease your abuses,
Then make no excuses, but stop your abuses,
And fill up your Measure for shame.
And fill up your measure with shame.
FINIS.
FIN.
239 Nantz brandy.
Nantz brandy.
A Preachment on Malt.
[26.] Certain Townsmen of Prisal, returning from a merry Meeting at a certain Ale-House, met in the fields a Preacher, who had lately made a bitter sermon against Drunkards, and among other opprobrious words, called them Malt worms. Wherefore they agreed to take him, and by violence compel him to preach a Sermon, and his text should be Malt. The Preacher, thinking it better to yield, than contend with them in their cause, began his Sermon as followeth.
[26.] Certain townspeople from Prisal, coming back from a fun gathering at a local bar, ran into a preacher who had recently delivered a harsh sermon against drunkards, referring to them as Malt worms among other disrespectful terms. So, they decided to force him to preach a sermon, and his topic would be Malt. The preacher, believing it was better to give in than to argue with them, began his sermon as follows.
There is no preaching without Division, and this Text cannot well be divided into many parts, because it is but one word, nor into many Syllables, because it is but one Syllable. It must therefore be divided into Letters, and they are found [pg 412] to be four, viz M. A. L. T. These letters represent four interpretations, which Divines commonly do use thus. M. Moral, A. Allegorical, L. Literal, T. Tropological.
There’s no preaching without division, and this text can’t really be split into many parts because it’s just one word, nor into many syllables, since it’s only one syllable. It must therefore be divided into letters, which are found to be four, [pg 412] namely M.A.L.T. These letters represent four interpretations that theologians commonly use: M. Moral, A. Allegorical, L. Literal, T. Tropological.
The Moral Interpretation is well put first, and first to teach you boysterious Men some good manners, at least, in procuring your attention to the Sermon; Therefore M. Masters. A. All. L. Listen T. To the Text.
The Moral Interpretation is presented upfront to teach you loud men some good manners, at the very least, in getting your attention for the Sermon; Therefore M. Masters. A. All. L. Listen T. To the Text.
An Allegory is when one thing is spoken of and another thing meant; The thing spoken of is Malt, the thing meant is the Oyle of Malt, commonly call'd Ale, which to you Drunkards is so precious, that you account it to be M. Meat. A. Ale. L. Liberty. T. Treasure.
An allegory is when something is talked about while meaning something else; what’s talked about is malt, and what it really means is malt oil, commonly known as ale, which you drinkers value so much that you consider it to be M. Meal. A. Ale. L. Liberty. T. Treasure.
The Literal sense is as it hath been often heard of heretofore, so it is true according to the letters. M. Much. A. Ale. L. Little. T. Thrift.
The literal sense is just as it has often been said before, so it is true according to the words. M. Much. A. Ale. L. Little. T. Thrift.
The Tropological sence applyeth that which is now to somewhat following, either in this world, or in the world to come; the thing that now is, is the effect which Oyl of Malt produceth and worketh in some of you, viz M. Murther; in others A. Adultery; in all L. Loose living: in many T. Treason, and that which hereafter followeth in this world, and in the world to come is M. Misery. A. Anguish. L. Lamentation. T. Trouble.
The tropological sense applies what is happening now to something that follows, either in this world or in the next. What is happening now is the effect that the oil of malt produces and works in some of you: for some, it's M. Murder; for others, A. Adultery; for all, L. Loose living; for many, T. Treason. What follows in this world and the next is M. Misery, A. Anguish, L. Lamentation, and T. Trouble.
I shall now come to a Conclusion, and withal, to perswade you boysterious men to amend, that so you may escape the danger whereinto many of you are like to fall, but I have no hopes to prevail, because I plainly see, and my Text as plainly telleth me, it is M. to A. that is a Thousand Pound to a Pot of Ale you will never mend; because all Drunkards are L. Lewd. T. Thieves; but yet for discharging my Conscience and Duty, First towards God, and Secondly towards you my Neighbours, I say once again, concluding with my Text, M. Mend A. All; and L. Leave, T. Tippling: otherwise M. Masters, A. All, L. Look for T. Terrour and Torment.
I'm going to wrap this up and urge you loud men to change your ways so you can avoid the trouble many of you are likely to get into. But honestly, I don’t think I’ll succeed because I can see clearly, and my point is just as clear—it’s a sure bet that you won't change. All drunkards tend to be immoral and dishonest. Still, to clear my conscience and fulfill my duty, first to God and then to you, my neighbors, I’ll say again, as I end with my point: mend all your ways; and leave off the drinking; otherwise, you will face terror and torment.
By this time the Ale wrought in the Townsmens Brains that then were between Hawk and Buzzard,240 nearer sleeping than waking, which the Preacher perceiving, stole away, leaving them to take their nap.
By this time, the ale had worked its way into the townsfolk's heads, those who were caught between a hawk and a buzzard, closer to sleeping than waking. The preacher noticed this and quietly slipped away, leaving them to enjoy their nap.
240 In a doubtful condition.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ In a sketchy condition.
[82.] An Apprentice in the market, did aske the price of an hundred Oysters; his friend perswaded him not to buy them, for they were too small. Too small, reply'd the Prentice, there is not much losse in that, for I shall have the more to the hundred.
[82.] An apprentice in the market asked the price of a hundred oysters; his friend advised him not to buy them because they were too small. "Too small?" replied the apprentice, "there's not much loss in that, since I'll get more for the hundred."
[110.] Maister Hobson being still very good to poore and most bountyfull to aged people, there came to him usually twice or thrice a weeke, a silly poore ould blinde man to sing under his window, for the which he continually gave him twelve pence a time. Maister Hobson having one of his servants so chorlish and withall so covitous that he would suffer the blind man to come no more, unles he shared halfe his benefit: the which the blind singing man was forst to give, rather than loose all: after twice or thrice parting shares, Maister Hobson had thereof intelligence, who consulting with the blind man, served his servant in this maner; still he looked for halfe whatsoever he got, so this at last was Maister Hobsons guift, who gave commaundement that the blind man should have for his singing three score Jeerkes with a good whippe, and so to be equally parted as the other guifts were, the which were presently given: the blinde mans were but easie, but Master Hobsons mans were very sound ones, so that every Jerke drewe blood; after this he never sought to deminish his masters bounty.
[110.] Master Hobson was still very kind to the poor and quite generous to elderly people, so a poor old blind man would usually come by two or three times a week to sing under his window, and Master Hobson would always give him twelve pence each time. However, one of Master Hobson's servants was so grumpy and greedy that he wouldn't let the blind man come back unless he got half of what the blind man earned. The blind singer was forced to comply rather than lose everything. After a couple of times splitting the earnings, Master Hobson found out about it and, after consulting with the blind man, decided to deal with his servant this way: he still expected half of whatever he made, so Master Hobson commanded that the blind man should receive sixty good whacks with a whip for his singing, and then it would be split equally as the other gifts were. Those given to the blind man were easy, but Master Hobson's servant received very hard ones, so that each lash drew blood. After that, he never dared to diminish his master's generosity again.
[4.] Some Gentlemen coming into a Tavern, whose Sign was the Moon, (where for a Fancy they sold nothing but Claret, for which they were very noted, and had great Custom) called for a bottle of Sack; whereupon the Drawer told them they had none: At which, they, not a little admiring,241 as not knowing the Humour, asked the Drawer the reason, who told them, The Man in the Moon drinks Claret.242 The Fancy of which [pg 414] pleased them so that they said they were resolved to be sociable, and so called for each Man his Bottle to drink their Brothers Health in the Moon.
[4.] Some gentlemen walked into a tavern with the sign of the Moon, (where they were known for selling only Claret, and they had a great reputation and a lot of customers) and asked for a bottle of Sack. The waiter told them they didn’t have any. They were quite surprised, not understanding the joke, and asked the waiter why not. He responded, The Man in the Moon drinks Claret.242 They found this idea amusing and decided they would be sociable, so they each ordered a bottle to toast to their brother’s health in the Moon.
241 Wondering.
Curious.
242 There was a roystering drinking song with that title, which is not very scarce; there is one in the Roxburghe Ballads. (C. 20, f. 7)/298.
242 There was a lively drinking song with that title, which isn't hard to find; there's one in the Roxburghe Ballads. (C. 20, f. 7)/298.
"Our man in the moon drinks Clarret,
"Our man in the moon drinks Claret,
With powder-beef, turnep, and carret;
With ground beef, turnip, and carrot;
If he doth so, why should not you
If he does that, why shouldn't you?
Drink until the sky looks blew?"
Drink until the sky looks blue?
[93.] George (Peele) once had invited halfe a score of his friends to a great Supper, where they were passing merry, no cheere wanting, wine enough, musicke playing: the night growing on, & being upon departure, they call for a reckoning. George swears there is not a penny for them to pay. They, being men of good fashion, by no meanes would yeeld unto it, but every man throwes downe his money, some tenne shillings, some five, some more: protesting something they will pay. Well, quoth George, taking up all the money; seeing you will be so wilfull you shall see what shall follow: he commands the musicke to play, and while they were skipping and dancing, George gets his Cloake, sends up two Pottles of Hypocrist, and leaves them and the reckoning to pay. They wondring at the stay of George, meant to be gone: but they were staide by the way, and before they went, forced to pay the reckoning anew.
[93.] George (Peele) once invited a dozen of his friends to a big dinner, where they were having a great time, with no shortage of food or plenty of wine, and music playing. As the night went on and it was time to leave, they asked for the bill. George insisted that they didn’t owe a single penny. Considering themselves to be genteel, they refused to accept this and each man tossed down some money—some ten shillings, some five, and some even more—claiming they would pay something. “Well,” said George, gathering up the money, “since you’re being so stubborn, you’ll see what happens next.” He ordered the music to play, and while they were dancing, George grabbed his cloak, ordered two pints of hypocrite, and left them with the bill. They were puzzled by George’s absence and planned to leave, but they were held back, and before they could go, they were forced to pay the bill again.
[26.] A Vintner being broke, was, it seems, forc'd to set up an Ale house in the Suburbs, and being askt, why he did discredit himself so much, to leave off Wine, to sell Beer and Ale? He told him the chief reason was because he lov'd a Countryman better than a stranger; for Beer and Ale are my Countrymen, but Wine's a Stranger: but the Gentleman told him he did not well, for he must make much of any Stranger that comes within his gates: So will I that, says he, when I get it within my gates agen; I'll make more of it than I did; nay much more, because I would not break the Command.
[26.] A winemaker, having fallen on hard times, had to open a bar in the suburbs. When asked why he would lower himself by switching from wine to selling beer and ale, he replied that the main reason was that he preferred local products to foreign ones; beer and ale are like my neighbors, but wine feels foreign. The gentleman told him he was mistaken, as he should appreciate any stranger who comes to his door. "I’ll do that," he said, "once I get it back in my place; I’ll treat it with even more respect than before, especially since I wouldn’t want to break the rules."
[105.] On a time the Bishop would feast divers French Lords, and hee gave unto Peter Achadus (Scogins chamber fellow) twenty French Crownes to bestow at the Poulters, in Feasant, Partridge, Plover, Quaile, Woodcock, Larke, and such other: and because Scogins chamber fellow had great business to do, he wrote all such things as he would have bought in a bill, and desired Scogin to bestow the money, who was well [pg 415] contented. When Scogin had this money, he imagined in his mind how hee might deceive some Poulter, and so to have the money to himselfe. At last hee came to a Poulter in Paris, and said, sir, it is so that my Master the Abbot of Spilding doth feast a great many of his friends, and I must have so many of every sort of your wares as is mentioned in this bill, therefore I pray you lay them out quickly, and let the Bill be prised reasonably, and to morrow in the morning I will fetch them, and you shall have your money. The wares were laid out and prized, and the sum came to sixe pound and odde money, then on the morrow Scogin did come to the Poulter, and asked if everything were ready. Yea, said the Poulter, and here is your bill reasonably prized. Then said Scogin, let somebody goe with me for to receive your money: the Poulter said, my wife shal goe with you. Scogin went to St. Peter's Church, where there was a Priest that had on his Albe, and was ready to goe to Masse: Scogin went to the Priest, and said, Master, here is a woman that will not bee perswaded that her Husband ought to be her Head, and I have brought her to you, to the intent you should perswade her. The Priest said he would doe what he could. I thanke you, said Scogin. Then Scogin came to the woman, and said, if you will have your money, come to my Master, and hear what he doth say. Then Scogin came to the Priest, and said Master, here is the woman, will you dispatch her after Masse is done? Yea, said the Priest. Then said Scogin to the woman, you heare what my master doth say, therefore I pray you send me by some token, whereby I may receive the wares. The woman sent him by a true token, and then Scogin did hire two porters, and did fetch away all the wares from the Poulters house, and did carry it to his chamber: when masse was done, the Priest called the Poulters wife unto him, and asked why she would not acknowledge her husband to be her head? Why, said the woman, I cannot tarry to reason of such matters, therefore I pray you to pay me my money, that I were gone: Wherefore? said the Priest. The woman said, for wares that your man hath received. What man? said the Priest. He that spake to you when you went to masse. The Priest said, he is none of my man, and he said to me, that [pg 416] you would not bee perswaded that your husband ought to be your head. What, master Abbot, said the woman, you shal not mock me so, I must have 6 pound & 8 shillings of you for wares that your man hath received, for you promised to pay me when you went to masse. I am no Abbot, said the Priest, nor none of my men never received anything of you, nor I promised nothing when I went to masse, but that I would perswade you to obey your Husband, who ought to be your head, and so the Priest went his way. The woman perceiving that shee was deceived, went home to see if Scogin had received the ware, and he had received them, and was gone an houre before. Then both she and her husband sought for Scogin, but they could not find him.
[105.] Once upon a time, the Bishop hosted several French lords and gave Peter Achadus (the chamber fellow of Scogin) twenty French crowns to purchase various game birds like pheasants, partridges, plovers, quails, woodcocks, larks, and others. Since Scogin's chamber fellow had a lot on his plate, he wrote down everything he wanted to buy and asked Scogin to spend the money, which he happily agreed to. Once Scogin had the money, he figured out a way to trick a poulterer and keep the money for himself. Eventually, he visited a poulterer in Paris and said, "Sir, my master, the Abbot of Spilding, is hosting many friends, and I need the specific items listed in this bill, so please have them prepared quickly and price the bill fairly. I will come back tomorrow morning to collect them, and you’ll get your money." The items were laid out and priced at six pounds and change. The next morning, Scogin returned to the poulterer and asked if everything was ready. "Yes," said the poulterer, "and here’s your reasonably priced bill." Scogin then asked for someone to accompany him to collect the money. The poulterer replied, "My wife will go with you." Scogin went to St. Peter's Church, where he found a priest dressed in an alb, ready to conduct mass. Scogin approached the priest and said, "Sir, here is a woman who refuses to accept that her husband should be her head, and I've brought her to you so you can persuade her." The priest agreed to help. "Thank you," said Scogin. He then turned to the woman and said, "If you want your money, come with me to my master and hear what he has to say." Then Scogin returned to the priest and asked, "Sir, here is the woman; will you deal with her after mass?" "Yes," replied the priest. Scogin then said to the woman, "You hear what my master says, so please give me a token so I can receive the goods." The woman sent him a proper token, and Scogin hired two porters to take all the goods from the poulterer's house to his room. After mass, the priest called the poulterer's wife over and asked why she wouldn’t acknowledge her husband as her head. "I can't stay to discuss such matters," the woman replied. "I just want my money so I can leave." "Why?" asked the priest. The woman explained, "For the goods your man received." "What man?" the priest inquired. "The one who spoke to you when you went to mass," she replied. The priest said, "He’s not my man, and he told me you wouldn’t be convinced that your husband ought to lead." "What, Master Abbot?" said the woman. "You will not mock me. I need 6 pounds and 8 shillings from you for the goods your man collected, as you promised to pay me when you went to mass." "I’m not an abbot," the priest stated, "nor has any of my men received anything from you, nor did I promise anything when I went to mass, other than to persuade you to obey your husband, who should be your head." And with that, the priest walked away. Realizing she had been tricked, the woman hurried home to check if Scogin had received the goods, which he had, and he had left an hour earlier. Both she and her husband then searched for Scogin, but they couldn’t find him.
[17.] A Citizen having married a Cockney, and he taking her with him into the Country, to see his Friends, as they were riding spyed a Willow tree on which abundance of Wants or Moles were hung: O dear, says she, Husband, look what a fine Tree here is; I never knew how they grew till now; for it is a Black Pudding tree.
[17.] A citizen married a Cockney, and he took her with him to the countryside to visit his friends. While they were riding, they spotted a willow tree with lots of wants or moles hanging from it. "Oh dear," she said, "Husband, look at this beautiful tree! I never knew how they grew until now; it's a black pudding tree."
[82.] A man was very angry with his maid, because his eggs were boyled too hard; truly, said she, I have made them boyle a long houre, but the next you have, shall boyle two houres but they shall be tender enough.
[82.] A man was really upset with his maid because his eggs were boiled too hard; she said, "Honestly, I've boiled them for a full hour, but next time, I'll boil them for two hours, and they will be tender enough."
[26.] A Man in a bitter cold Winter night was passing through the Street, and seeing all a Bed, and no Candle in any Window neither; then bethought himself of this project; for then he went up and down crying Fire, Fire, which made several come to the Windows: They askt him where? where? He told them that he did not know, for if he did, he would go to't to warm himself; For, says he, I am devilish cold.
[26.] A man was walking through the freezing cold on a winter night and noticed all the houses were dark, with no lights in any windows. Then he came up with an idea; he started shouting "Fire, Fire!" which got several people to come to their windows. They asked him where the fire was. He told them he didn't know, because if he did, he would go there to warm up. "I'm freezing," he said.
The Country-mans new care away.
[125.]If there were imployments
If there were jobs
for men, as have beene,
for men, as they have been,
And Drummes, Pikes and Muskets
And Drums, Pikes, and Muskets
in th' field to be seene,
in the field to be seen,
And every worthy Souldier
And every worthy soldier
had truely their pay,
had truly their pay,
Then might they be bolder
Then they might be bolder
to sing, Care away.
to sing, Take care.
If there were no Rooking,
If there were no Rooking,
but plaine dealing used,
but plain dealing used,
If honest Religion
If true faith
were no wayes abused,
were not abused,
If pride in the Country
If pride in the country
did not beare sway,
did not bear sway,
The Poore and the Gentry
The Poor and the Gentry
might sing, Care away.
might sing, Care away.
If Farmers consider'd
If farmers considered
the dearenesse of graine,
the value of grain,
How honest poore Tradesmen
How honest poor tradespeople
their charge should maintaine,
their charge should maintain,
And would bate the price on't
And would lower the price on it
to sing, Care away
to sing, Carefree
We should not be nice on't
We shouldn't be nice about it.
of what we did pay.
for what we paid.
If poore Tenants, Landlords
If poor tenants, landlords
would not racke their rents,
would not raise their rents,
Which oft is the cause of
Which often is the cause of
their great discontents,
their major complaints,
If, againe, good house-keeping
If, again, good housekeeping
in th' Land did beare sway,
in the land of power,
The poore that sits weeping
The poor person sitting and crying
might sing, Care away.
might sing, Carefree.
If Spendthrifts were carefull
If spendthrifts were careful
and would leave their follies,
and would leave their mistakes,
Ebriety hating
Drunk hate
Cards, Dice, Bowling-Alleyes,
Cards, Dice, Bowling Alleys,
Or with wantons to dally
Or with wontons to hang out
by night or by day,
day or night,
Their wives might be merry,
Their wives might be happy,
and sing, Care away.
and sing, Carefree.
If Children to Parents
If Kids to Parents
would dutifull be,
would be dutiful,
If Servants with Masters
If Servants Have Masters
would deale faithfully,
would deal faithfully,
If Gallants poore Tradesmen
If gallant's poor tradesmen
would honestly pay,
would genuinely pay,
Then might they have Comfort
Then they might find comfort.
to sing, Care away.
to sing, Take care.
There is no contentment
There's no satisfaction.
to a conscience that's cleare,
to a clear conscience,
That man is most wretched
That man is so miserable.
a bad mind doth beare,
a bad mind bears,
To wrong his poore Neighbour
To wrong his poor neighbor
by night or by day,
day or night,
He wants the true comfort
He wants real comfort
to sing, Care away.
to sing, Care away.
But he that is ready
But he who is ready
by goodnesse to labour,
by goodness to work,
In what he is able
In what he can do
to helpe his poore Neighbour,
to help his poor neighbor,
The Lord will ever blesse him
The Lord will always bless him.
by night and by day,
day and night,
All ioyes shall possesse him
All joys shall possess him
to sing, Care away.
to sing, Carefree.
Would wives with their husbands,
Would wives be with their husbands,
and husbands with wives
and husbands with their wives
In love and true friendship
In love and genuine friendship
would so lead their lives,
would totally lead their lives,
As best might be pleasing
As best as possible
to God night and day,
to God night and day
Then they with hearts easing
Then they with hearts calming
might sing, Care away.
might sing, Care away.
No crosse can be greater
No cross can be greater
unto a good mind,
to a good mind,
Than a man to be matched
Than a man to be matched
with a woman unkind,
with a harsh woman,
Whose tongue is never quiet
Whose mouth is never silent
but scolds night and day,
but reprimands day and night,
That man wants the comfort
That guy wants the comfort
to sing, Care away.
to sing, Carefree.
A Vertuous woman
A virtuous woman
a husband that hath,
a husband who has,
That's given unto lewdnesse,
That's given to lust,
to envy and wrath,
to jealousy and anger,
Who after wicked women
Who follows wicked women
does hunt for his prey,
hunts for his prey,
That woman wants comfort
That woman seeks comfort
to sing, Care away.
to sing, Carefree.
Like true subiects loyall,
Like true loyal subjects,
to God let us pray,
let's pray to God,
Our good king so Royall,
Our great king so royal,
to preserve night and day:
to maintain night and day:
With the Queen, Prince and Nobles,
With the Queen, Prince, and Nobles,
the Lord blesse them aye,
God bless them always,
Then may we have comfort
Then may we find comfort
to sing, Care away.
to sing, Carefree.
[82.] There was a lusty young Scholler preferred to a Benefice in the Country, and commonly on Sundayes and holy dayes after evening prayer hee would have a dozen bouts at cudgels with the sturdiest youths in his parish: The Bishop of the Diocesse hearing of it, sent for the parson, telling him this beseemed not his profession and gravity, and if that he did not desist from that unmeet kind of exercise, hee would unbenefice him. Good my Lord, (said the Parson) I beseech you to conceive rightly of mee, and I doubt not but my playing at cudgels will be counted tollerable; for I doe it of purpose to edifie the ruder sort of my people. How so, said the Bishop. Marry, my Lord, (quoth the Parson) whatsoever I do teach them at morning and evening prayer, I doe beat soundly into their heads with cudgels afterward, for their better remembrance.
[82.] There was a lively young scholar who got a position at a church in the country, and usually on Sundays and holidays after evening prayer, he would have a dozen rounds of club fighting with the strongest young men in his parish. The bishop of the diocese heard about this and summoned the priest, telling him that this behavior was not appropriate for his profession and seriousness, and if he did not stop this unsuitable activity, he would revoke his position. "My Lord," said the priest, "please try to understand me correctly, and I have no doubt that my club fighting will be seen as acceptable; I do it on purpose to educate the rougher members of my community." "How so?" asked the bishop. "Well, my Lord," replied the priest, "whatever I teach them during morning and evening prayer, I make sure to beat solidly into their heads with clubs afterward, for their better understanding."
[94.] He that buys a Horse in Smithfield, and does not look upon him with a pair of Spectacles, before he buys him, makes his Horse and himself a pair of sorrowful Spectacles for others to look at.
[94.] Anyone who buys a horse in Smithfield without checking it out closely first is setting themselves and their horse up to be a sad sight for everyone else to see.
[110.] Upon a time Maister Hobson lying in saint Albones, there came certaine musitions to play at his chamber doore, to the intent as they filled his eares with their musicke, he should fil their purses with mony: whereupon he bad one of the servants of the Inne (that waited upon him) to goe and tell them that hee could not then indure to heare their musicke for he mourned for the death of his mother, so the musitians disapoynted of their purpose went sadly all away. The fellow heard him speake of mourning, asked him how long agoe it is since he buried his mother; truely (quoth maister Hobson) it [pg 421] is now very neare forty yeares agoe. The fellow understanding his subtilty, and how wittily he sent away the musitians, laughed very hartely.
[110.] Upon a time, Mr. Hobson was staying in St. Albans when some musicians came to play at his door. They hoped that by filling his ears with music, he would fill their pockets with money. So, he told one of the inn’s servants, who was attending to him, to go and tell them he couldn’t stand to hear their music because he was mourning the death of his mother. The disappointed musicians sadly left. The servant, hearing him mention mourning, asked how long it had been since he buried his mother. Mr. Hobson replied, “It’s been nearly forty years now.” The servant, realizing his cleverness and how he cleverly sent the musicians away, laughed heartily. [pg 421]
[52.] On a Winters evening a Country husband man went to fetch his wives kine home to milk, and driving them into the back side, hee forgot to shut the gate, and hee comes into the house, sits him down by the fire side. The kine finding the gate open, ranne trotting and lowing downe the durty lane, toward the field, and the mans daughter looking forth at the doore and seeing them, cries out to her mother, Faith my father is a fine man, I think the kine are gone to the devill, shall I goe after them? No (quoth her mother) daughter, you are too forward: Let your father goe, he's fitter, he has his hie shoone on.
[52.] On a winter evening, a country farmer went to bring his cows home for milking. After driving them into the back, he forgot to close the gate and then went inside, sitting down by the fire. The cows, noticing the gate was open, started trotting and mooing down the muddy lane toward the field. The farmer's daughter looked out the door, saw them, and called to her mother, "Mom, my dad is such a great man! I think the cows are going to get lost. Should I go after them?" "No," her mother replied, "you’re too eager. Let your father handle it; he’s got his high boots on."
A Song.
[121.]Sir Francis, Sir Francis, Sir Francis his Son,
[121.]Sir Francis, Sir Francis, Sir Francis his Son,
Sir Robert and eke Sir William did come,
Sir Robert and also Sir William came,
And eke the good Earl of Southampton
And also the good Earl of Southampton
March't on his way most gallantly;
March'd on his way most gallantly;
And then the Queen began to speak,
And then the Queen started to speak,
Youre welcome home Sir Francis Drake.
Welcome home, Sir Francis Drake.
Then came my Lord Chamberlain, and with his white staffe,
Then my Lord Chamberlain arrived, carrying his white staff,
And all the people began for to laugh.
And everyone began to laugh.
The Queen's Speech.—
The King's Speech.—
Gallants all of British bloud,
Gentlemen of British blood,
Why do ye not saile on th' Ocean flood?
Why don't you sail on the ocean?
I protest ye'are not all worth a Philberd
I can’t believe you’re all not worth a dime.
Compared with Sir Humphrey Gilberd.
Compared to Sir Humphrey Gilberd.
The Queen's Reason.
The Queen's Rationale.
For he walkt forth in a rainy day,
For he walked out on a rainy day,
To the new-found Land he took his way,
To the newly discovered land, he made his way,
With many a gallant fresh and green;
With many brave young ones fresh and new;
243 Sir Humphrey Gilbert was half-brother to Sir Walter Raleigh, and was a famous navigator of Elizabeth's reign. In 1583 he took possession of Newfoundland, but his ship foundered on the voyage home, 9th September 1584.
243 Sir Humphrey Gilbert was the half-brother of Sir Walter Raleigh and was a well-known navigator during Elizabeth's rule. In 1583, he claimed Newfoundland for England, but his ship sank on the way back home on September 9, 1584.
[82.] A Justice of the Peace was very angry with a country yeoman, because hee came not to him at his first sending for him; and after he had bountifully bestowed two or three dozen of knaves upon him, hee said to him, Sirrah, I will make you know that the proudest knave that dwels under my command shall come before mee when I send for him. I beseech your worship said the man, to pardon mee, for I was afraid: afraid of what? said the Justice. Of your worship answered the fellow. Of mee? said the Justice, why wast thou afraid of mee? Because your worship lookes so like a Lyon, said the man. A Lyon? quoth the Justice, when didst thou see a Lyon? May it please your worship (the fellow replyde) I saw a Butcher bring one but yesterday to Colebrooke market, with a white face and his foure legs bound.
[82.] A Justice of the Peace was really angry with a country farmer because he didn’t come to him right away when he called for him. After he had thrown around a couple of dozen insults, he said to the farmer, "Listen here, I want you to know that the most arrogant guy under my authority will come before me when I call for him." The farmer replied, "I beg your pardon, sir, but I was scared." "Scared of what?" asked the Justice. "Of you, sir," said the man. "Of me?" said the Justice, "Why were you afraid of me?" "Because you look so much like a lion," said the man. "A lion?" said the Justice, "When did you ever see a lion?" "If it pleases your worship," the man replied, "I saw a butcher bring one to the Colebrooke market just yesterday, with a white face and all four legs tied up."
This fellow was a knave, or foole, or both,
This guy was a cheater, or a fool, or both,
Or else his wit was of but slender growth:
Or else his wit was only slightly developed:
He gave the white fac'd Calfe the Lyons stile,
He gave the white-faced Calf the lion's style,
The Justice was a proper man the while.
The Justice was a decent man throughout.
[4.] One that was Born in the Parish of St Giles Cripplegate said: When I dye, I'll be Buried in Cripple Church Yard, an't please God I live.
[4.] One who was born in the parish of St. Giles Cripplegate said: When I die, I'll be buried in Cripple Church Yard, if God allows me to live.
[26.] A Notable Fellow, that, as 'tis said would not be drunk above seven days in the week; and when he was drunk was so besotted that he knew not what he did. Once his Prentice was sent by his Wife to fetch him home, and when he found him out, he found him reeling ripe also. And as they came down Ludgate Hill, in a Moon-shiny night, saw the reflection of the Bell-Savage sign post upon the ground, and it seems took it for a Block, and went to lift his Leg over it, his Prentice having him by the Arm for his supporter, askt what he meant by that? Why, says he, to go over this Block. He told him 'twas not a Block. What is it then? says he. 'Tis a Sign, says the Boy. What Sign, I prithee? Why Master 'tis a Sign you are drunk.
[26.] A notable guy, who, as they say, wouldn't stay drunk for more than seven days a week; and when he was drunk, he was so out of it that he didn't know what he was doing. Once, his apprentice was sent by his wife to bring him home, and when he found him, he was completely wasted as well. As they came down Ludgate Hill on a moonlit night, they saw the reflection of the Bell-Savage signpost on the ground and, thinking it was a block, he tried to lift his leg over it with his apprentice holding his arm to support him. The apprentice asked what he was doing. He replied, "I’m just going to step over this block." The apprentice told him it wasn't a block. "Then what is it?" he asked. "It's a sign," said the boy. "What sign, pray tell?" "Well, master, it's a sign that you're drunk."
[17.] One who was deep in debt, and forced to keep within all day for fear of Serjeants and Bailiffs would yet at night [pg 423] adventure abroad in some back Lanes and Alleys. Passing one night through the Butchers Shambles, going in hast, one of the Tenter Hooks catcht hold of his cloak. He thinking it had been a Serjeant which had thus shoulder clapt him, looking back, said, At whose Suit I pray you?
[17.] Someone who was deep in debt and had to stay inside all day to avoid the bailiffs would still venture out at night into some back lanes and alleys. One night, while hurriedly passing through the butcher's area, his cloak got caught on a tenter hook. Thinking it was a bailiff who had grabbed him, he looked back and asked, “Who’s after me?”
[105.] When Scogin should ride home againe, his bootes were nought, and hee could not tell what shift to make. At last he devised what he might doe: whereupon he sent his man for a shoo-maker to bring him a paire of Bootes. The shoo-maker brought the bootes, and when hee had pulled on the right foot boote, and was pulling on the other boot, Scogin said, it was marvellous strait, and that it did pinch his leg: wherefore hee prayed him to carry it home, and set it on the laste an houre or two: for (quoth he) I have a thing to write that will hold mee two houres, and all that time I will sit and write, & keepe this other boote on my leg still untill that be ready. The shoomaker tooke the boot and went home, as Scogin had bidden him. When the shoo maker was gone, hee sent his man for another shoo maker, and caused one to pull off the boot which the first shoo maker had pulled on. When the other shoo maker was come, Scogin caused him to pull on the left boot, and when hee was pulling on the right foot boot, Scogin found fault with it, as he did with the first shoo maker, and sent him away in like sort. When he was gone, hee caused his man to make ready their horses, and hee pulled on the boot againe, which the first shoo maker had left behinde him, and so he rode away with the two bootes of two shoo makers: shortly after, the shoomakers came and enquired for Scogin, but hee and his man were gone, almost an houre before.
[105.] When Scogin needed to ride home again, his boots were in bad shape, and he couldn't figure out what to do. Finally, he came up with a plan: he sent his servant to fetch a shoemaker to bring him a pair of boots. The shoemaker brought the boots, and when he had put on the right boot and was trying to put on the other one, Scogin said it was surprisingly tight and pinched his leg. So, he asked the shoemaker to take it home and set it on the last for an hour or two. "I have something to write that will take me two hours," he said, "and I'll keep this other boot on my leg until that's ready." The shoemaker took the boot and went home as Scogin instructed. Once the shoemaker left, he sent his servant for another shoemaker and had one take off the boot that the first one had put on. When the other shoemaker arrived, Scogin had him put on the left boot, and when he was pulling on the right boot, Scogin complained about it, just like he had with the first shoemaker, and sent him away in the same manner. After he left, he had his servant prepare their horses, and he put on the boot that the first shoemaker had left behind, and then he rode away with the two boots from the two shoemakers. Soon after, the shoemakers showed up looking for Scogin, but he and his servant had already left nearly an hour earlier.
[82.] Two Playsterers being at worke for mee at my house in Southwarke, did many times patch and dawbe out part of their dayes labour with prating, which I, being digging in my garden did over heare that their chat was of their wives, and how that if I were able (quoth one) my wife should ride in pompe through London, as I saw a Countesse ride yesterday. Why, quoth the other, how did shee ride I pray? Marry, [pg 424] said hee, in state, in her Horslitter. O base, quoth the other, Horslitter: I protest as poore a man as I am, I would have allowed my wife a three-peny trusse of cleane Straw.
[82.] Two workers were at my house in Southwark, and they often filled part of their workday with chatting. While I was digging in my garden, I overheard them talking about their wives. One said, "If I had the means, my wife would ride in style through London, just like I saw a countess do yesterday." The other asked, "Oh really? How did she ride?" The first replied, "In a state, in her Horslitter." The other exclaimed, "How ridiculous, Horslitter: I swear, as poor as I am, I would have let my wife have a three-penny bundle of clean straw." [pg 424]
[26.] Henry Martin the great Rumper, for you know all Martins are Birds, and he being so, flew so high before; but after the King's most happy Restauration, was brought so low, as to kneel at the Bar of the Lord's House; though 'tis thought he never came into the Lords House before, unless it were to see a handsome Girl there. But at the Lords Bar he was askt what he could say, that Judgment should not pass upon him? My Lords, says he, I understood that the King's Proclamation extended to favour of life, upon rendring myself, which I then did. And, withal, my Lords, I do let you to know, and I do ingeniously confess it, that I never obey'd any of his Majesty's Proclamations before, but this; and I hope I shall not be hang'd for taking the King's word now.
[26.] Henry Martin, the notorious Rumper, you know all Martins are troublemakers, and he certainly was, aiming high before; but after the King's joyful Restoration, he fell so low, as to kneel at the Bar of the Lord's House; though it's thought he never visited the Lord's House before, unless it was to check out a pretty girl there. But at the Lord's Bar he was asked what he could say to avoid judgment against him? My Lords, he said, I understood that the King's Proclamation offered a chance at life for surrendering, which I did. And, moreover, My Lords, I want to let you know, and I honestly admit it, that I never obeyed any of his Majesty's Proclamations before, except this one; and I hope I won't be hanged for taking the King's word now.
[94.] One sitting by the Fire to take Tobacco, said the Fire was his friend, and presently spit into it: To which one replied, You do not well to quench your friends love by spitting in his face.
[94.] One person sitting by the fire to smoke said the fire was his friend and then spat into it. To this, another replied, "You shouldn't ruin your friend's affection by spitting in his face."
The Jovial Crew.244
or
Beggars' Bush.
In which a Mad Maunder doth vapour and swagger
In which a crazy person acts all dramatic and arrogant
With praiseing the Trade of a bonney bold Beggar.
With praise for the trade of a brave, bold beggar.
To the tune of, From hunger and Cold.
To the melody of, From hunger and Cold.
[126.]A Beggar, a Beggar,
A Homeless Person, a Homeless Person,
A Beggar I'le be,
I'll be a beggar,
There's none leads a Life so jocond as hee;
There's no one who lives a life as joyful as he does;
A Beggar I was,
I was a beggar,
And a Beggar I am,
And I'm a beggar,
A Beggar I'le be, from a Beggar I came:
A beggar I'll be, from a beggar I came:
If (as it begins) our Trading do fall,
If (as it starts) our trading does decline,
I fear (at the last) we shall be Beggars all.
I’m afraid that in the end, we'll all be beggars.
Our Tradesmen miscarry in all their affayrs
Our tradespeople fail in all their efforts
And few men grow wealthy, but Courtiers and Players.
And only a few men become rich, but Courtiers and Actors.
A Craver my father,
A Craver like my father,
A Maunder my mother,
A Maunder, my mom,
A Filer my sister, a Filcher my brother,
A Filer is my sister, a Filcher is my brother,
A Canter my Unckle,
A Canter, my Uncle,
That cared not for Pelfe,
That didn't care for money,
A Lifter my aunt, a Beggar myselfe.
A Lifter my aunt, a Beggar myself.
In white wheaten straw, when their bellies were full,
In white wheat straw, when they were well-fed,
Then I was begot, between Tinker and Trul.
Then I was born, between Tinker and Trul.
And therefore a Beggar, a Beggar I'le be,
And so a beggar, a beggar I’ll be,
For none hath a spirit so jocond as he.
For no one has a spirit as cheerful as he does.
When Boyes do come to us,
When the boys do come to us,
And that their intent is
And that their intention is
To follow our Calling, we nere bind them Prentice,
To pursue our Calling, we never tie them down as apprentices,
Soon as they come too't,
As soon as they do it,
We teach them to doo't,
We teach them not to.
And give them a Staff and a Wallet to boot.
And give them a staff and a wallet to top it off.
We teach them their Lingua, to Crave and to Cant,
We teach them their language, to desire and to sing,
The devil is in them if then they can want.
The devil is in them if they can want.
If any are here that Beggars will bee,
If there are any here who will be Beggars,
We without Indentures will make them free.
We will set them free without any contracts.
We begg for our bread,
We beg for our bread,
But sometimes it happens
But sometimes it occurs
We feast with Pigg, Pullet, Conny and Capons
We feast with Pigg, Pullet, Conny, and Capons.
For Churche's affairs
For Church's matters
We are no Man-slayers
We are not killers.
We have no religion, yet live by our prayers.
We have no religion, but we still live by our prayers.
But if when we begg, Men will not draw their purses,
But if when we ask, people won’t open their wallets,
We charge and give fire, with a volley of curses,
We ignite and unleash fire, with a flurry of curses,
The Devil confound your good Worship we cry,
The Devil mess up your good reputation, we shout,
And such a hold brazen fac'd Beggar am I.
And I am such a bold-faced beggar.
London. Printed for W. Thackeray, T. Passenger, and W. Whitwood.
London. Printed for W. Thackeray, T. Passenger, and W. Whitwood.
[82.] A Justice of the Peace committed a fellow to prison, and commanded him away three or foure times, but stil the fellow intreated him. Sirrah, (said the Justice) must I bid you bee gone so many times, and will you not goe? The fellow answered, Sir, if your worship had bidden mee to dinner or supper, I should in my poore manners not to have taken your offer under two or three biddings; therefore I pray you blame me not if I looke for foure biddings to prison.
[82.] A Justice of the Peace sent a man to prison and told him to leave three or four times, but the man kept pleading with him. “Hey,” said the Justice, “do I have to tell you to go so many times, and will you not just leave?” The man replied, “Sir, if you had invited me to dinner or supper, my poor manners would have required at least two or three invitations to accept your offer; so please don’t blame me if I expect four invitations to go to prison.”
[26.] King James being in his Progress at Woodstock in Oxfordshire, the King, finding it to rain so one morning that he could not ride a hunting, had got some Nobility and Gentry together, resolving to be merry. And one humour was, that the King having that morning a fine curvetting Horse given him, which kind of Horse he never lik'd in his life, told them that he that could tell the greatest lie should have that Horse. So one told one lie, and another, another: and several had told others, that there was great laughing; and just in the midst of this mirth in comes a Country Fellow, complaining to the King that some of his Servants had wrong'd him: Well, well, says the King, we'll hear you of that anon; come, come hither amongst us, and you must know that he that can tell the greatest lie shall have that horse. Truly Sir, says he, an't please your Grace, I never told a lie in all my life. With that says the King, Give him the Horse, give him the Horse, for I am sure that is the greatest lie that has been told to day.
[26.] While King James was on his visit to Woodstock in Oxfordshire, it started raining one morning, making it impossible for him to go hunting. So, he gathered some nobles and gentry together, intending to have a good time. One idea they came up with was that the King, who had received a fine show horse that morning—one he had never liked—declared that whoever could tell the biggest lie would win the horse. One person told a lie, then another, and soon everyone was sharing their tall tales, resulting in lots of laughter. Just then, a local man walked in, complaining to the King that some of his servants had wronged him. The King replied, "Alright, we’ll hear you out shortly; come join us, and you should know, the person who can tell the biggest lie will win that horse." The man said, "Actually, Your Grace, I’ve never told a lie in my life." At that, the King exclaimed, "Give him the horse, give him the horse, because I’m sure that’s the biggest lie told today."
[94.] A yong lascivious Gallant wanting money, could not with his credit sell anything; yet his father being but lately dead, at length was checkt by some of his friends for his loose and extravagant life, and withal told him he had base and beastly Associates that did draw him to ill houses. He, taking this opportunity, answered, Truly, Friends, your Counsel is very good, I will presently go sell my Coach and Horses.
[94.] A young, lustful guy who needed money couldn't sell anything with his reputation. However, since his father had recently died, some of his friends called him out for his reckless and extravagant lifestyle, telling him he was hanging out with bad influences that led him to sketchy places. Seizing this chance, he replied, "Honestly, friends, your advice is sound. I'm going to sell my coach and horses right away."
[17.] One being desired to eat some Oysters, refused, saying they were ungodly meat, unchristianly meat, uncharitable meat, and unprofitable meat. And being demanded his reason why he said it, he answered, They were ungodly meat, because they were eaten without saying of Grace; unchristianly meat because the Creature was eaten alive; uncharitable meat, because they left no offal to the poor, and unprofitable meat, because most commonly there was more spent upon them than the Oysters cost.
[17.] Someone wanted to eat some oysters but declined, saying they were sinful, un-Christian, uncharitable, and not worth the money. When asked why he thought that, he replied that they were sinful because people ate them without saying a blessing; un-Christian because the creature was consumed alive; uncharitable because they didn’t leave any scraps for the poor; and not worth the money because people usually spent more on them than they were actually worth.
[110.] Maister Hobson, and another of his neighbours, on a time walking to Southwarke faire, by chance drunke in a house which had the signe of Sa. Christopher, of the which signe the good man of the house gave this commendation; Saint Christopher (quoth he) when hee lived upon the earth bore the greatest burden that ever was, which was this, he bore Christ over a river. Nay there was one (quoth maister Hobson) that bore a greater burden; Who was that (quoth the in keeper). Mary, quoth Maister Hobson, the asse that bore both him and his mother: so was the Inne keeper called asse by Craft. After this, talking merely together, the aforsaid Inne keeper being a little whitled245 with drinke, & his head so giddy that he fell into the fire, people standing by, ran sodainely and tooke him up; oh let him alone (quoth Maist. Hobson) a man may doe what he will in his owne house, and lie where so ever he listeth. The man having little hurt, with this sight grew immediately sober, and, after, foxed Maister Hobson and his neighbour so mightely, that comming over London bridge, being very late, ranne against one of the posts, which Maister Hobson thinking it to bee some man that had justled him, drew [pg 428] out his dodgion246 dagger, and thrust it up into the very hilt into the hollow post; whereupon verely hee had thought hee had kil'd some man: so, running away, was taken by the watch, and so all the Jest was discovered.
[110.] Maister Hobson and one of his neighbors were walking to the Southwark fair when they happened to stop at a house with the sign of St. Christopher. The owner of the house praised this sign, saying that St. Christopher once carried the greatest burden on earth—Christ across a river. “Actually, there was someone who carried a greater burden,” said Maister Hobson. “Who was that?” asked the innkeeper. “Well,” replied Maister Hobson, “the donkey that carried both Him and His mother.” This made the innkeeper feel like a donkey himself. After some lighthearted conversation, the innkeeper, a bit tipsy and with his head spinning, accidentally fell into the fire. People nearby quickly rushed to pull him out. “Oh, let him be,” said Maister Hobson. “A man can do what he wants in his own house and lie wherever he pleases.” The innkeeper wasn’t hurt much, and this incident sobered him up right away. Later, he got so drunk that when they were crossing London Bridge very late at night, he bumped into one of the posts. Maister Hobson, thinking it was someone who had shoved him, pulled out his dagger and plunged it deep into the hollow post. He genuinely thought he had killed someone, so he ran away and was caught by the watch, revealing the whole joke. [pg 428] 246
245 Intoxicated.
Drunk.
246 A dudgeon dagger was one having a boxwood handle.
A dudgeon dagger had a boxwood handle.
[52.] A mad fellow newly married, had onely one young child by his wife, of some quarter old, whom he dearly and tenderly loved, but he was much given to good fellowship, and she altogether addicted to sparing, & good huswifery: still he used to come merry home from the taverne from his boone companions, to her great griefe, she being as sparing of her purse, as prodigall of her tongue, for she was little better than a Scold, would oft upbraid him with his expences of money, and time, and to be so often drunke was prejudiciall both to his estate and bodily health, and that it were far better to spend that at home in his house than in a Taverne; with such Matron like speeches, always concluding her exhortations with a vow that if ever he came home again in the like pickle she would (happen what would come) fling the Child into the Moat (for the house was moted round.) It happned shortly after, that he revelling till late in a cold frosty Winter evening, she having intelligence by her scouts where hee was, made no doubt hee would come home flustred. She commands the Infant to bee convaied to the farther part of the house, and to wrap the Cat in the blankets, put it in the Cradle, and there sit and rocke it. Presently comes her Husband, she fals to her old lesson of quarrelling with him, and hee with her, ill words begot worse, much lewd language past betwixt them. The woman suddenly steps to the Cradle (having spied her advantage;) I have long threatned thee a mischiefe, and that revenge I cannot worke on thee (come doggs, come devills) I will inflict on thy Brat in the Cradle; instantly snatched it up in her armes, and ran with it to the Moat side, and flings it into the middle of the water: the poore man much affrighted, leaves to pursue her, and leaps into the water, up in mud and water to the very chinne, crying, Save, oh save the child. Now waded he in the Moat in a very bitter cold frost, till he brought out the Mantle, and with much paine and danger comes to the shore, and still [pg 429] crying, Alas, my poore childe, opened the Cloathes: At length the frighted Cat cryed Mew, and being at liberty leapt from betwixt his armes, and ranne away. The husband both amazed and vexed, the woman heartily laughed at her revenge, and the poore man was glad to reconcile the difference before she would either give him fire or dry linnen.
[52.] A crazy guy who had just gotten married had only one young child with his wife, about four months old, whom he loved dearly. However, he was very fond of drinking and having a good time, while she was all about saving money and being a good homemaker. He often came home happy from the bar with his friends, which upset her greatly. She was as tight with her money as she was loose with her tongue, often scolding him for his spending of money and time, saying that being drunk all the time was bad for his finances and health, and that it would be much better to spend that time at home rather than in a tavern. She would always finish her lectures with a promise that if he ever came home in such a state again, she would throw the child into the moat (since their house was surrounded by a moat). Not long after, he was out partying late on a cold, frosty winter evening. She learned from her spies where he was and had no doubt he would come home drunk. She ordered the baby to be taken to the far side of the house and told someone to wrap the cat in blankets, put it in the cradle, and rock it. Her husband came home, and she immediately started her usual fighting with him, leading to an exchange of harsh words and insults between them. Seizing an opportunity, she hurried to the cradle and said, "I've long threatened you with a mischief, and since I can’t take my revenge on you, I’ll take it out on your brat in the cradle." She quickly snatched the baby up in her arms and ran to the moat, throwing it into the water. The poor man, terrified, stopped chasing her and jumped into the water, struggling through the mud and muck up to his chin, shouting, "Save, oh save the child!" He waded in the freezing cold water until he finally retrieved the blanket, and with great effort and danger, made it back to the shore. Still crying, "Alas, my poor child," he opened up the blanket, and at last, the frightened cat meowed. Freeing itself, it leaped from his arms and ran away. The husband, both shocked and annoyed, found his wife laughing heartily at her revenge, and the poor man was left to settle their disagreement before she would give him fire or dry clothes.
[26.] A dear and Loving wife, that always bore a great respect to her Husband, both in Sickness and in Health, and now did make it appear to the very last. For when her dear Husband was, in Essex, condemned to die, for a small matter God knows, that is only for stealing four or five Horses, and breaking up as many Houses; so this sweet loving Soul his wife, hearing where he was, came and gave him a visit. Wife, says he, you see what I am come to now, prithee pray for me, and have a care to bring up our Children in the fear of God. Husband, says she, as soon as I heard of it, you see I came to you, and as you know I have always been loving to you, you shall now find it at the last. Pray Husband, tell me, are we to be at the charge of a Rope, or they, for I would have all things ready to do you a kindness; for here I have brought one forty Miles to do you a Courtesie, And so left the Rope with him. Well, wife, says he, I thank you heartily, and pray go home, and look after the Children. No, Husband, says she, I have not come so far, but a Grace a God I'll see you hang'd before I go.
[26.] A dear and loving wife, who always showed great respect for her husband, both in sickness and in health, now demonstrated it to the very end. When her beloved husband was condemned to die in Essex, for something minor, God knows, just for stealing a few horses and breaking into a few houses; this sweet and loving soul, his wife, hearing where he was, came to visit him. "Wife," he said, "you see what I've come to now. Please pray for me, and make sure to raise our children to fear God." "Husband," she replied, "as soon as I heard about it, I came to you, and as you know, I’ve always loved you. You will see that now, in the end. Please, husband, tell me, are we responsible for the cost of a rope, or is it on them? I want everything ready to help you; I’ve brought one from forty miles away to do you a favor." And with that, she left the rope with him. "Well, wife," he said, "thank you very much, but please go home and take care of the children." "No, husband," she replied, "I didn't come all this way to leave you. By the grace of God, I’ll see you hanged before I go."
[17.] A Countrey man passing by St Pauls Church, at such time as it was turn'd from a House of Prayer, to be a den of Thieves; I mean, an unsanctified Guard of Souldiers: He seeing what manner of Cattle inhabited it, asked a Shopkeeper hard by, If that place were Noah's Ark? Being asked the reason of his demand, Because, said he, I see so many unclean beasts therein.
[17.] A countryman walking by St. Paul's Church, at a time when it had been turned from a house of prayer into a den of thieves; I mean, an unsanctified group of soldiers: He, seeing what kind of people were there, asked a nearby shopkeeper if that place was Noah's Ark. When asked why he wanted to know, he replied, "Because I see so many unclean beasts in there."
[105.] When Scogin and his man had ridden ten or twelve miles on their way, hee overtooke a Priest that was riding to London, to pay his first fruits, with whom he kept company untill he came to Stamford, and all that way as they rode, Scogin made the Priest very good cheere, and would let him [pg 430] pay no money, so that Scogin had but two shillings left: and riding betweene Stamford & Huntington, Scogin complayned him to the Parson in this sort: I marvell master Parson (quoth he) how men doe when they want money, to get it? For when I want money, I know not how to get any, except I should steale. No, no, said the Priest, doe you not know that they that serve God well, doe not want, and how that God promiseth, that if you call upon him in your afflictions, that hee will helpe you? You say well, master Parson, said Scogin, and rode before; and when hee saw a faire place, hee kneeled downe and lifted up his hands, and prayed to God, till Master Parson and his man did overtake him, but nothing hee could get. When they were come, hee told them he prayed, but could get nothing. But (quoth he) I will try once againe, and then if I can get nothing, both you, Master Parson and my man shall helpe me to pray, for I doe not doubt but God will helpe something, when hee heareth all our prayers. And then Scogin did ride before againe, and when hee saw his place convenient, hee alighted him from his horse and tied him to a tree, and kneeled downe, and prayed as hee had done before, until such time as they came to him. Then, said the Parson, How do you now, Master Scogin? By my troth, said he, I can get nothing; wherefore, alight, sirra, quoth he to his man, and tie your horse to yonder tree, and then hee went to the Parson, and took his horse by the bridle, and told him hee must needes helpe him to pray. The Parson for feare durst not say him nay, but alighted, and tooke his capcase247 from the saddle bow, wherein was fifty pounds. Then Scogin asked his man how much money hee had in his purse? He sayd, twenty pence. By my troth, said Scogin, and I have but two shillings, and how much have you Master Parson? said hee. The Parson thought that if he had told him all, hee would surely have borrowed a good part of it, and he said, five pounds. Well, let us pray hartily, said Scogin, and then they kneeled downe, and prayed for the space of halfe an houre; and Scogin said, let us see whether God have heard our request, or no. And then, he looked in his own purse, where was but two shillings, and then he looked in his man's purse, where was [pg 431] but twenty pence. Then Scogin came to the Parson, and said, Now Master Parson, let us see what you have, for I doe not doubt but God hath heard our prayers; and tooke the Priests capcase and opened it, wherein was a bag with fifty Pounds in it, which the Parson should have paid for his first fruits. Then Scogin spread his cloake abroad, and poured out the money, and when hee had told it, hee said, By Lady, Master Parson, God hath heard our prayer; and then hee gave him five pounds, and said, Master Parson, here is the five pound that thou had before wee began to pray, and the rest we will have; for I see that you are so well acquainted with God, that with praying halfe an houre, you can get as much more: and this will doe us great pleasure, and it is but a small matter for you to pray halfe an houre. The Parson desired Scogin to let him have the rest of the money, for hee said that hee did ride to London to pay his first fruits. Well, said Scogin, then you must pray againe, for wee will have this, and so they rode away, and left the Priest behind them: and the Priest was faine to ride home againe for more money.
[105.] When Scogin and his companion had traveled ten or twelve miles, they caught up with a Priest who was heading to London to pay his first fruits. They rode together until they reached Stamford, and during the journey, Scogin kept the Priest entertained and wouldn’t let him spend any money, leaving Scogin with just two shillings. As they rode between Stamford and Huntington, Scogin complained to the Parson in this manner: "I wonder, Master Parson," he said, "how people manage to get money when they’re short? Because when I lack money, I have no idea how to get any unless I steal." "Oh no," replied the Priest, "don’t you know that those who serve God well don’t go without, and that God promises if you call upon Him in your troubles, He will help you?" "You speak wisely, Master Parson," said Scogin, and rode ahead. When he found a nice spot, he knelt down, raised his hands, and prayed to God until the Master Parson and his man caught up with him, but he couldn’t get anything. When they arrived, he told them he had prayed but received nothing. "But," he added, "I’ll try once more; and if I can’t get anything this time, both you, Master Parson, and my man will help me pray because I’m sure God will respond when He hears all of our prayers." Then Scogin rode ahead again, and when he found a suitable place, he dismounted, tied his horse to a tree, and prayed as he had before, waiting for them to come to him. When the Parson arrived, he asked, "How are you now, Master Scogin?" "Honestly," Scogin replied, "I can’t get anything; so dismount, my friend," he said to his man, "and tie your horse to that tree." Then he approached the Parson, took his horse by the bridle, and insisted that he must help him pray. The Parson, fearing refusal, reluctantly dismounted and took his capcase247 from the saddle, which contained fifty pounds. Then Scogin asked his man how much money he had in his purse. The man replied he had twenty pence. "By my word," Scogin said, "I only have two shillings, and how much do you have, Master Parson?" The Parson thought that if he revealed the full amount, he would certainly lend a significant part of it, so he said he had five pounds. "Well, let’s pray earnestly," said Scogin, and they knelt down to pray for half an hour. Afterward, Scogin said, "Let’s see if God has heard our request." He checked his own purse, which contained only two shillings, then looked in his man's purse, which had just twenty pence. Then Scogin approached the Parson and said, "Now, Master Parson, let’s see what you have, for I’m sure God has heard our prayers." He took the Priest's capcase and opened it, revealing a bag with fifty pounds inside, which the Parson was supposed to pay for his first fruits. Then Scogin spread out his cloak and poured out the money. After counting it, he exclaimed, "By Lady, Master Parson, God has heard our prayer!" He then gave him five pounds, saying, "Here’s the five pounds you had before we started praying, and we’ll take the rest because I can see you’re so good at praying that in half an hour, you could probably get just as much more; and that would do us a great favor, and it's not too much for you to pray for half an hour." The Parson pleaded with Scogin to let him keep the rest of the money, stating he was heading to London to pay his first fruits. "Well," replied Scogin, "then you must pray again, because we’re taking this," and they rode away, leaving the Priest behind. The Priest had no choice but to ride back home for more money.
247 A small leather travelling case.
A small leather suitcase.
[82.] In Queene Elizabeths dayes there was a fellow that wore a brooch in his hat, like a tooth drawer, with a Rose and Crowne and two letters: this fellow had a warrant from the Lord Chamberlaine at that time to travell with an exceeding brave Ape which hee had; whereby hee gat his living from time to time at markets and fayres: his Ape did alwayes ride upon a mastiffe dog, and a man with a drum to attend him. It happened that these foure travellers came to a towne called Looe in Cornwall, where the Inne being taken, the drum went about to signifie to the people that at such an Inne was an Ape of singular vertue and quality, if they pleased to bestow their time and money to see him. Now the townsmen, being honest labouring Fishers, and other painfull functions, had no leasure to waste either time or coyne in Ape tricks, so that no audience came to the Inne, to the great griefe of Jack an Apes his Master; who, collecting his wits together, resolved to adventure to put a tricke upon the towne, whatsoever came of it; whereupon hee took pen, inke, and paper and wrote a warrant to the Mayor of the towne as followeth.
[82.] In Queen Elizabeth's time, there was a guy who wore a brooch in his hat, like a tooth puller, with a Rose and Crown and two letters. This guy had a permit from the Lord Chamberlain to travel with a really impressive Ape that he owned; this is how he made his living during markets and fairs. His Ape always rode on a mastiff dog, with a man playing a drum to accompany them. One day, these four travelers arrived in a town called Looe in Cornwall. Once they checked into an inn, the drummer went around to let people know that there was an Ape of unique talent at that inn, inviting them to spend their time and money to see him. But the townspeople, being hardworking fishermen and engaged in other laborious jobs, had no time or money to waste on Ape tricks, so there was no audience at the inn, much to the frustration of Jack an Apes and his Master. Gathering his thoughts, he decided to try to pull a fast one on the town, no matter the outcome; so he took pen, ink, and paper and wrote a warrant to the Mayor of the town as follows.
These are to will and require you, and every of you, with your wives and families, that upon the sight hereof you make your personall appearance before the Queenes Ape, for it is an Ape of ranke and quality, who is to be practised throughout her Majesties dominions, that by his long experience amongst her loving subjects, hee may bee the better enabled to doe her Majesty service hereafter; and hereof faile you not, as you will answer the contrary. &c.
These are to command you, and each of you, along with your wives and families, that upon seeing this, you make your personal appearance before the Queen's Ape, as it is an Ape of status and importance, meant to be showcased throughout her Majesty's realms. By his extensive experience among her loyal subjects, he will be better equipped to serve her Majesty in the future; and do not fail to comply, as you will be held accountable for the contrary. &c.
This warrant being brought to the Mayor, he sent for a shoomaker at the furthest end of the towne to read it; which when he heard, hee sent for all his brethren, who went with him to the Towne Hall to consult upon this waighty businesse. Where after they had sate a quarter of an houre, no man saying any thing, nor any man knowing what to say; at last a young man that never had borne any office, said, Gentlemen, if I were fit to speake, I thinke (without offence, under correction of the Worshipfull) that I should soone decide this businesse; to whom the Mayor said, I pray good neighbour speake, for though you never did beare any office here, yet you may speake as wisely as some of us. Then sir, said the young man, my opinion is that this Ape carrier is a gybing scoffing knave, and one that doth purpose to make this towne a jesting mocking stocke throughout the whole Kingdome: for was it ever knowne that a fellow should be so impudent audacious, as to send a Warrant without either name or date, to a Mayor of a towne, to the Queenes Lieutenant, and that he with his brethren, their wives and families should be all commanded to come before a Jack an Apes? My counsell is, that you take him and his Ape, with his man, and his dog, and whip the whole messe or murrinal248 of them out of the towne, which I thinke will be much for your credit if you doe.
This warrant was brought to the Mayor, who called for a shoemaker from the far end of town to read it. When he did, he summoned all his fellow shoemakers, and they went to the Town Hall to discuss this serious matter. After sitting for a quarter of an hour in silence, with no one knowing what to say, a young man who had never held any office finally spoke up. He said, “Gentlemen, if I may offer my thoughts, I believe (with all due respect) that I can swiftly resolve this issue.” The Mayor encouraged him to speak, saying, “Please, good neighbor, share your thoughts. Even though you’ve never held an office here, your opinion could be as wise as any of ours.” The young man responded, “Well, I think this ape-handler is a sneering, mocking rogue who aims to turn our town into a laughingstock across the entire kingdom. Isn’t it outrageous that someone would be so bold as to send a warrant without a name or date to the Mayor of a town, the Queen's Lieutenant, demanding that he and his fellow shoemakers, along with their wives and families, appear before a Jack an Apes? My advice is to take him, his ape, his man, and his dog, and banish the whole lot from the town. I think that would greatly enhance your reputation if you do.”
At which words a grave man of the towne being much moved, said, My friend, you have spoken little better than treason, for it is the Queene's Ape, and therefore beware what you say; you say true, said master Mayor, I muse who bad [pg 433] that saucy fellow come into our Company, I pray thee, my friend, depart; I thinke you long to have us all hanged. So in briefe hee was put out of the doores, for they were no company for him. Well now, what is to bee done in this matter? Marry (said another Senior) wee see by the Brooch in the mans hat that hee is the Queenes man, and who knowes what power a knave may have in the Court, to doe poore men wrong in the Country, let us goe and see the Ape, it is but two pence a peece, and no doubt but it will be well taken, and if it come to the Queenes eare, shee will thinke us kinde people that would shew so much duty to her Ape, what may shee thinke wee would doe to her Beares if they came hither? besides, it is above 200 miles to London, and if wee should bee complained on and fetched up with Pursinants,249 whereas now every man may escape for his two pence, Ile warrant it would cost us ten groats a peece at the least. This counsell passed currant, and all the whole drove of the townsmen, with wives and children, went to see the Ape, who was sitting on a table with a chaine about his necke, to whom, master Mayor (because it was the Queenes Ape) put off his hat, and made a leg, but Jacke let him passe unregarded. But mistris Mayoresse comming next in her cleane linnen, held her hands before her belly, and like a woman of good breeding, made a low curtsie, whilest Jacke, (still Court-like) although (he) respected not the man, yet to expresse his courtesie to his wife, hee put forth his paw towardes her, and made a mouth, which the woman perceiving, said, Husband, I doe think in my Conscience that the Queenes Ape doth mock mee: whereat Jacke made another mouth at her, which master Mayor espying, was very angry, saying, Sirrah, thou Ape, I doe see thy saucinesse, and if the rest of the courtiers have no more manners than thou hast then they have all bin better fed than taught: and I will make thee know before thou goest from hence, that this woman is my wife, an ancient woman, and a midwife, and one that might bee thy mother for age.
At those words, a serious man from the town, clearly upset, said, "My friend, what you just said is almost treasonous, because that's the Queen's Ape. So watch what you say." "You're right," replied the Mayor, "I'm curious who let that disrespectful fellow join us. I urge you, my friend, leave; it seems you want us all to be hanged." So, in short, he was thrown out, as they didn't want his company. Now, what should we do about this situation? "Well," said another elder, "we can tell from the brooch in that man's hat that he's with the Queen, and who knows what power a rogue like him may have in the court to wrong poor folks in the countryside? Let's go see the Ape; it's only two pence each, and it will surely be appreciated. If the Queen hears about it, she’ll think we’re kind people for showing such respect to her Ape. What might she think we would do for her bears if they came here? Besides, it’s over 200 miles to London, and if we get reported and hauled in by Pursuants,249 it would cost us at least ten groats each. This plan was approved, and the whole crowd of townspeople, with their wives and children, went to see the Ape, who was sitting on a table with a chain around his neck. The Mayor (since it was the Queen's Ape) took off his hat and bowed, but Jack ignored him. However, Mrs. Mayor, arriving next in her clean clothes, held her hands in front of her belly and, being well-mannered, curtsied deeply. Although Jack didn't acknowledge the Mayor, he reached out his paw towards her and made a face. The woman, noticing this, said, "Husband, I truly believe in my heart that the Queen's Ape is mocking me." At which Jack made another face at her, prompting the Mayor to get very angry and say, "You, Ape, I see your impudence, and if the rest of the courtiers have no more manners than you do, then they’ve all been better fed than educated. And I’ll make you understand before you leave here that this woman is my wife, an older lady, a midwife, and someone who could be your mother age-wise."
In this rage master Mayor went to the Inne doore, where Jack an Apes tutor was gathering of money, to whom hee said, Sir, doe you allow your Ape to abuse my Wife? No sir, quoth [pg 434] the other, not by any meanes; truly, said the Mayor, there is witnesse enough within that have seene him make mops and mowes at her, as if shee were not worthy to wipe his shooes, and I will not so put it up. Jack's tutor replyed, Sir, I will presently give him condigne punishment; and straight hee tooke his Flanders blade, his Whip, and holdinge his Ape by the chaine, hee gave him halfe a dozen jerks, which made his teeth daunce in his head like so many Virginal Jackes:250 Which master Mayor perceiving, ranne to him, and held his hands, saying, enough, enough, good Sir, you have done like a Gentleman, let mee intreat you not to give correction in your wrath; and I pray you and your Ape after the Play is done, to come to my house and sup with mee and my wife.
In his anger, the Mayor went to the inn door, where Jack an Apes' tutor was collecting money. He said, "Sir, do you allow your Ape to mistreat my wife?" "No, sir," replied the other, "not at all." "Honestly," said the Mayor, "there are plenty of witnesses here who saw him making faces at her, as if she weren't even good enough to wipe his shoes, and I won’t let this go." Jack's tutor responded, "Sir, I'll give him appropriate punishment right away," and immediately took his Flanders blade and whip. Holding his Ape by the chain, he gave him half a dozen jerks, making his teeth rattle in his head like so many Virginal Jacks: 250 Seeing this, the Mayor ran over, held his hands, and said, "That's enough, enough, good Sir, you’ve acted like a Gentleman. Please, I beg you not to punish him in your anger; and I invite you and your Ape to come to my house for dinner after the play."
248 Or all four of them. A corruption of murnival or mournival. The "Compleat Gamester" says, "A Mournival is either all the aces, the four kings, queens or knaves, and a gleck is three of any of the aforesaid."
248 Or all four of them. A twist on "murnival" or "mournival." The "Compleat Gamester" says, "A Mournival is either all the aces, the four kings, queens, or jacks, and a gleck is three of any of those."
249 Pursuivants
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Pursuivants
250 A jack was usually made of pear tree, and rested on the back end of the key lever. It had a movable tongue of holly working in a centre and kept in its place by a bristle spring. A thorn or spike of crow quill projects at right angles from the tongue. On the key being depressed, the jack is forced upwards, and the quill is brought to the string, which it twangs in passing. Queen Elizabeth's virginal has fifty jacks and quills.
250 A jack was typically made of pear wood and was positioned at the back of the key lever. It had a movable tongue made of holly that worked in the center and was held in place by a bristle spring. A thorn or spike made of crow quill extends out at a right angle from the tongue. When the key is pressed down, the jack is pushed upwards, and the quill strikes the string, creating a twang as it passes by. Queen Elizabeth's virginal has fifty jacks and quills.
[17.] King James keeping his Court at Theobalds,251 in a time of some contagion, divers Constables with their watchmen were set at several places to hinder the concourse of people from flocking thither, without some necessary occasion: Amongst others, one Gentleman (being somewhat in the Garb of a Serving man) was examined what Lord he belonged unto? To which he readily replyed, To the Lord Jehovah: which words being beyond the Constables understanding, he asked his Watchmen, if they knew any such Lord? They replyed No—: However the Constable being unwilling to give distast, said, Well, let him pass, notwithstanding; I believe it is some Scottish Lord or other.
[17.] King James was staying at Theobalds,251 during a time of some illness, so various Constables with their watchmen were assigned to different spots to prevent crowds from gathering unless there was a good reason. Among others, a gentleman (dressed somewhat like a servant) was asked which Lord he served. He promptly replied, To the Lord Jehovah: The Constable didn’t understand those words and asked his watchmen if they knew of such a Lord. They said no—. Still, the Constable, not wanting to offend, said, "Well, let him pass anyway; I believe it’s some Scottish Lord or something."
251 Is in the parish of Cheshunt, co. Hertford. Was originally the seat of Lord Burleigh, whom Elizabeth frequently visited. It was used as a hunting lodge by James I., and Charles I. often resided there. William III. gave it to his friend Bentinck, Earl of Portland. In 1765 the remains of the old palace were pulled down, and the new mansion is now the seat of Sir Henry Meux, Bart.
251 is located in the parish of Cheshunt, Hertfordshire. It was originally the home of Lord Burleigh, who was frequently visited by Elizabeth. James I. used it as a hunting lodge, and Charles I. often stayed there. William III. gave it to his friend Bentinck, Earl of Portland. In 1765, the remnants of the old palace were demolished, and the new mansion is currently the residence of Sir Henry Meux, Bart.
[26.] A Gentleman having drank very hard at the Kings Head Tavern, came Reeling out up Chancery Lane, and [pg 435] chanced to Reel within the Rails of the Pump, and kept his motion round so long that he was tired; whereupon, leaning on the Rail he askt one that passed by, where he was; he told him over against the Chancery. I thought so (says he) and thats the Reason I think I shall never get out of this place.
[26.] A guy who had been drinking heavily at the Kings Head Tavern stumbled out onto Chancery Lane, and [pg 435] happened to stagger within the rails of the pump, and kept circling around until he got tired; then, leaning on the rail, he asked someone passing by where he was. The person told him he was across from the Chancery. "I thought so," he said, "and that's why I think I'll never get out of this place."
[94.] A Welchman that had one of his own Countrey men waiting upon him, went to see a Comedy, and drawing out a Purse of gold and silver at the door, was espied by a Cut purse and dog'd, who seated himself close by him, his servant having all this while a careful eye towards his Master, and jealous of the Cut purse, so that whilest his Master was minding his sport, the Cheater got all his gold and silver out of his pocket, and was about to be gone. The little Welchman's blood rising at it, presently drew out his knife, and cut off his ear, which made the fellow startle, and troubled with the smart thereof, ask't what he meant by it? To whom the Welchman replied, shewing him his ear in his hand, No great harm friend, onely give hur Master hur purse, and I will give hur hur ear.
[94.] A Welshman who had one of his fellow countrymen with him went to watch a comedy. When he pulled out a purse filled with gold and silver at the door, a pickpocket spotted him and sat down close by. His servant kept a careful watch on his master and was wary of the thief. While the Welshman was enjoying the show, the pickpocket snatched all his gold and silver from his pocket and was about to leave. The little Welshman, angered, quickly pulled out his knife and cut off the thief's ear. This made the man jump and, bothered by the pain, he asked what he meant by it. The Welshman, showing him the severed ear in his hand, replied, "No big deal, my friend. Just give my master his purse back, and I’ll give you your ear."
[105.] Scogin waxing sicker and sicker, his friends advertised him to make his Testament, and to shew where he would lye after hee was dead: Friends, said Scogin, when I came into this World, I brought nothing with me, and when I shall depart out of this world, I shall take nothing away but a sheet; take you the sheet, and let mee have the beginning againe naked. And if you cannot doe this for me, I pray you that I may be buried at the East side of Westminster, under one of the spouts of the leads, for I have ever loved good drinke all the dayes of my life, and there was he buried.
[105.] Scogin getting sicker and sicker, his friends urged him to make his will and to indicate where he wanted to be buried after he died. "Friends," said Scogin, "when I entered this world, I brought nothing with me, and when I leave this world, I won’t be taking anything with me except a sheet; take the sheet, and let me have a fresh start again, bare. And if you can’t do this for me, I ask that I may be buried on the east side of Westminster, under one of the spouts of the roofs, because I’ve always loved good drink throughout my life." And that’s where he was buried.
When the extreame pangs of death came upon Scogin, the holy Candle was put in his hand to blesse himselfe. When Scogin had done so, in surrendring thankes to God, hee said, Now the proverbe is fulfilled, that he that worst may shall hold the Candle, for ever the weakest is thrust to the wall.
When the intense pain of death hit Scogin, the holy Candle was placed in his hand for him to bless himself. After Scogin did this, while giving thanks to God, he said, "Now the saying is true, that the one who is worst off will hold the Candle, because the weakest is always pushed to the wall."
On the syllable Con.
[17.] Dogs concurr, Steeples conspire, wheels converse, [pg 436] Lawyers contend, and Nurses can tend too, Foxes consent, Minors condescend, Women conceive, Apple mongers consider, Millstones contrive, Prisoners congeal, Rope makers concord, Scriveners condition, Faggotters combine, Jaylors confine, Sick men consume, Drums convene, and Scolds can vex, Commanders conduct, great Officers controul, Ducks can dive, Mourners condole, Clouds condense, great Schollars convince, Parishioners Congregate, Country Shoemakers contribute, viz Countrey boot, Gamesters are concise which does not much Conduce to their winning, grave Counsellors conceal, Cardinals conclave, School boys construe, Countrey fellows conjoble,252 Judges condemn, Friars confess, Jesuites confute, and Friends conferr together. Politicians consult, Blind men connive, and Cutlers connive too. Proud men contemn, Disputants contest together, Landlords confirm, and their Tenants can farm any thing they let out; Bells convoke, that is call Vokes together, Smiths contaminate, defile, that is do file, and I, like an Epilogue conclude.
[17.] Dogs agree, steeples seem to plot, wheels talk, [pg 436] Lawyers argue, and nurses can help too, foxes agree, Minors yield, women create, apple sellers consider, Millstones devise, prisoners gather, rope makers agree, Writers arrange, wood gatherers collaborate, jailers confine, Sick people consume, drums meet, and scolders can annoy, Leaders guide, great officers control, ducks can dive, Mourners comfort, clouds gather, great scholars persuade, Parishioners come together, country shoemakers contribute, namely country boots, gamblers are brief, which doesn't help them much win, serious counselors hide, cardinals meet, schoolboys interpret, country folks band together,252 Judges condemn, friars confess, Jesuits argue against, and friends talk together. Politicians consult, blind people scheme, and cutlers scheme too. Proud people disdain, debaters compete, landlords affirm, and their tenants can grow anything they rent out; bells summon, that is, call folks together, blacksmiths tarnish, defile, that is, do file, and I, like an Epilogue end.
FINIS.
THE END.
252 From con, together, and jobbernol, head. To concert, to settle, to discuss.
252 From con, together, and jobbernol, head. To plan, to agree, to talk things over.
APPENDIX.
Bibliographic Reference
TO THE SOURCES
WHERE THIS BOOK CAME FROM.
[1.] C. 40, a. 11. The Sackfull of Newes. London. Printed by Andrew Clark, and are to be sold by Thomas Passenger,253 at the Three Bibles upon London Bridge. 1673 (B. L.)
[1.] C. 40, a. 11. The Sackfull of Newes. London. Printed by Andrew Clark, and available for purchase from Thomas Passenger,253 at the Three Bibles on London Bridge. 1673 (B. L.)
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[4.] 12,316, a. 20. England's Jests Refin'd and Improv'd, being a Choice Collection of the Merriest Jests, Smartest Repartees, Wittiest Sayings, and most Notable Bulls, yet extant; with many New ones, never before Printed &c. 3rd Edition London. Printed for John Harris, at the Harrow in the Poultry. 1693. Catalogued H. C. (Humphrey Crouch).
[4.] 12,316, a. 20. England's Jests Refined and Improved, featuring a Choice Collection of the Funniest Jokes, Quickest Comebacks, Witty Sayings, and most Notable Blunders, still available; with many New ones, never before Printed, etc. 3rd Edition London. Printed for John Harris, at the Harrow in the Poultry. 1693. Catalogued H. C. (Humphrey Crouch).
(Return to p. 2, p. 8, p. 16, p. 23, p. 26, p. 27, p. 37, p. 42, p. 48, p. 55, p. 81, p. 93, p. 116, p. 123, p. 139, p. 173, p. 183, p. 200, p. 220, p. 231, p. 254, p. 259, p. 260, p. 272, p. 279, p. 291, p. 303, p. 310, p. 312, p. 318, p. 326, p. 335, p. 348, p. 376, p. 385, p. 391, p. 405, p. 408, p. 413, p. 422)
(Return to p. 2, p. 8, p. 16, p. 23, p. 26, p. 27, p. 37, p. 42, p. 48, p. 55, p. 81, p. 93, p. 116, p. 123, p. 139, p. 173, p. 183, p. 200, p. 220, p. 231, p. 254, p. 259, p. 260, p. 272, p. 279, p. 291, p. 303, p. 310, p. 312, p. 318, p. 326, p. 335, p. 348, p. 376, p. 385, p. 391, p. 405, p. 408, p. 413, p. 422)
| [7.] | C. 20, f. 8 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 534 |
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[8.] Grenville, 10,381. Witty Apothegms delivered at Several Times and upon Several Occasions by King James, King Charls, The Marquess of Worcester, Francis Lord Bacon, and Sir Thomas Moor. London. Printed for W. R. for Matthew Smelt and are to be sold at his Shop next to the Castle near Moorgate 1669.
[8.] Grenville, 10,381. Clever sayings shared at different times and on various occasions by King James, King Charles, The Marquess of Worcester, Francis Lord Bacon, and Sir Thomas More. London. Printed for W. R. for Matthew Smelt and are available for sale at his shop next to the Castle near Moorgate 1669.
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| [10.] | C. 20, f. 8 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 554 |
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| [11.] | C. 20, f. 7 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
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[12.] 11,626, a. a. 36. Westminster Quibbles in verse: Being a Mock to the Crab of the Wood, and to that Tune: or, a Miscellany of Quibling, Catches, Joques and Merriments. London. Printed for William Cademan,258 at the Popes Head in the Lower Walk of the New Exchange. 1672.
[12.] 11,626, a. a. 36. Westminster Quibbles in verse: A Mock to the Crab of the Wood, and to that Tune: or, a Collection of Quibling, Catches, Jokes and Fun. London. Printed for William Cademan,258 at the Pope's Head in the Lower Walk of the New Exchange. 1672.
[13.] Westminster Drollery, the Second Part, being a Compleat Collection of all the Newest and Choicest Songs and Poems at Court, and both the Theaters. By the Author of the First Part, never Printed before. London. Printed for William Gilbert at the Half Moon in St Pauls Church-yard, & Tho. Sawbridge at the three Flower de Luces in Little Britain 1672. (11,621, a. 45.)
[13.] Westminster Drollery, Second Part, is a Complete Collection of all the Latest and Best Songs and Poems from the Court and both Theaters. By the Author of the First Part, never Printed before. London. Printed for William Gilbert at the Half Moon in St Paul’s Churchyard, & Tho. Sawbridge at the three Flower de Luces in Little Britain 1672. (11,621, a. 45.)
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| [15.] | C. 20, f. 8 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 236 |
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| Printed by George Miller 1633. | 638, k. 17 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 2 |
[17.] C. 40, b. 11. Oxford Jests Refined and Enlarged; being a Collection of Witty Jests, Merry Tales, & Pleasant Joques. Collected by Captain W. H.259 Native of Oxford. London. Printed for Simon Miller, at the Star at the West End of St Paul's. 1684. Catalogued Hickes (W.)
[17.] C. 40, b. 11. Oxford Jests Refined and Enlarged; being a Collection of Witty Jests, Merry Tales, & Pleasant Joques. Collected by Captain W. H.259 Native of Oxford. London. Printed for Simon Miller, at the Star at the West End of St Paul's. 1684. Catalogued Hickes (W.)
(Return to p. 34, p. 55, p. 61, p. 86, p. 115, p. 122, p. 133, p. 147, p. 152, p. 172, p. 182, p. 186, p. 190, p. 195, p. 201, p. 220, p. 227, p. 229, p. 235, p. 244, p. 245, p. 279, p. 291, p. 302, p. 305, p. 310, p. 312, p. 318, p. 326, p. 334, p. 335, p. 347, p. 362, p. 385, p. 391, p. 397, p. 402, p. 407, p. 416, p. 423, p. 427, p. 429, p. 434, p. 436)
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| [19.] | C. 20, f. 8 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
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| [20.] | C. 20, f. 8 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
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| [21.] | C. 22, e. 2 | A Collection of English Ballads. |
| 110 |
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[24.] C. 40, a. 1. Wit Restor'd in severall select Poems not formerly publish't. London. Printed for R. Pollard, N. Brooks and T. Dring,260 and are to be sold at the Old Exchange, and in Fleet Street. 1658. Catalogued Wit.
[24.] C. 40, a. 1. Wit Restored in several selected Poems not previously published. London. Printed for R. Pollard, N. Brooks, and T. Dring,260 and available for sale at the Old Exchange and in Fleet Street. 1658. Catalogued Wit.
[25.] 1078, e. 2. Norfolk Drollery, Or a Compleat Collection of the Newest Songs, Jovial Poems, and Catches &c—By the Author, M. Stevenson. London. Printed for R. Reynolds,261 at the Sun and Bible, and John Lutton at the Blue Anchor in the Poultry. 1673. Catalogued Stevenson.
[25.] 1078, e. 2. Norfolk Drollery, Or a Complete Collection of the Newest Songs, Fun Poems, and Catchy Tunes &c—By the Author, M. Stevenson. London. Printed for R. Reynolds,261 at the Sun and Bible, and John Lutton at the Blue Anchor in the Poultry. 1673. Catalogued Stevenson.
(Return to p. 67, p. 75, p. 80, p. 86, p. 92, p. 102, p. 122, p. 133, p. 157, p. 175, p. 180, p. 192, p. 195, p. 227, p. 241, p. 245, p. 254, p. 259, p. 272, p. 280, p. 292, p. 303, p. 310, p. 317, p. 333, p. 342, p. 348, p. 360, p. 366, p. 376, p. 384, p. 405, p. 411, p. 414, p. 416, p. 422, p. 424, p. 426, p. 429, p. 435)
(Return to p. 67, p. 75, p. 80, p. 86, p. 92, p. 102, p. 122, p. 133, p. 157, p. 175, p. 180, p. 192, p. 195, p. 227, p. 241, p. 245, p. 254, p. 259, p. 272, p. 280, p. 292, p. 303, p. 310, p. 317, p. 333, p. 342, p. 348, p. 360, p. 366, p. 376, p. 384, p. 405, p. 411, p. 414, p. 416, p. 422, p. 424, p. 426, p. 429, p. 435)
| [27.] | 816, m. 9 |
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| [28.] | C. 20, f. 9 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
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| [29.] | C. 20, f. 7 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
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| [30.] | C. 20, f. 8 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
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| [31.] | C. 20, f. 7 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 340 |
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[32.] C. 40, a. 6. The Booke of Merry Riddles, together with proper Questions, and witty Proverbs, to make pleasant pastime. No lesse usefull than behoovefull for any young man or child, to know if he be quick witted, or no. London. Printed for John Stafford,262 and W.G, and are to be sold at the George near Fleetbridg. 1660.
[32.] C. 40, a. 6. The Book of Merry Riddles, along with fun Questions and clever Proverbs, to provide enjoyable entertainment. Just as useful as it is necessary for any young man or child to know if they are quick-witted or not. London. Printed for John Stafford,262 and W.G, and available for sale at the George near Fleetbridge. 1660.
| [33.] | 669, f. 10 | Single Sheets. |
| 99 |
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| [34.] | 669, f. 10 | Single Sheets. |
| 106 |
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| 112 |
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| [36.] | E. 246 | A Dialogue or Rather a Parley betweene Prince Ruperts Dogge, whose name is Puddle and Tobies Dog whose name is Pepper &c. |
| 23 |
Whereunto is added the Challeng which Prince Griffins Dogg called Towzer hath sent to Prince Ruperts Dogg Puddle, in the behalf of honest Pepper Tobies Dog. Moreover the said Prince Griffin is newly gone to Oxford to lay the Wager, and to make up the Match. Printed at London for I. Smith 1643.
Wherefore it is added that the challenge from Prince Griffin's dog, Towzer, has been sent to Prince Rupert's dog, Puddle, on behalf of honest Pepper Toby's dog. Furthermore, Prince Griffin has just gone to Oxford to place the wager and finalize the game. Printed in London for I. Smith, 1643.
| [37.] | E. 99 | The Bloody Prince, or a declaration of the most cruell Practices of Prince Rupert, |
| 14 |
and the rest of the Cavaliers in fighting against God, and the true Members of His Church. By I. W. London. Printed 1643. Catalogued W. (i.)
and the rest of the Cavaliers in fighting against God, and the true Members of His Church. By I. W. London. Printed 1643. Catalogued W. (i.)
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| [39.] | E. 92 | The Parliaments unspotted Bitch: in answer to Prince Roberts Dog called Boy, And his Malignant She Monkey. |
| 13 |
Printed for R. Jackson 1643.263 Catalogued England.
Printed for R. Jackson 1643.263 Catalogued England.
| [40.] | E. 96 | The Welsh Embassadour, Or the happy Newes his Worship hath brought to London, &c—Printed for I. Underwood 1643.263 |
| 16 |
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| [42.] | 669, f. 11 | The Braggadocia Souldier: and the Civill Citizen. Printed for J. L. 1647. |
| 81 |
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| [43.] | E. 3 | A Dogs Elegy, or Ruperts Tears264 for the late Defeat given him at Marston moore, neer York, by the Three Renowned Generalls |
| 17 |
Alexander Earl of Leven, Generall of the Scottish Forces, Fardinando Lord Fairefax, and the Earle of Manchester Generalls of the English Forces in the North. Where his beloved Dog named Boy, was killed by a Valliant Souldier, who had skill in Necromancy. Likewise the strange breed of this Shagg'd Cavalier, whelp'd of a Malignant Water-witch; with all his tricks and feats.
Alexander, Earl of Leven, General of the Scottish Forces, Fardinando Lord Fairfax, and the Earl of Manchester, Generals of the English Forces in the North. Where his beloved dog named Kid was killed by a brave soldier who had skills in Necromancy. Also, the strange breed of this shaggy Cavalier, born of a Malignant Water-witch; with all his tricks and feats.
Sad Caveliers, Rupert invites you all
Sad Cavaliers, Rupert invites everyone
That doe survive, to his Dogs Funerall.
That doe survive, to his dog's funeral.
Close mourners are the Witch, Pope, & devill,
Close mourners are the Witch, Pope, & devil,
That much lament yo'r late befallen evill.
That much sorrow you've faced recently.
Printed at London for G. B. July 27. 1644.
Printed in London for G. B. July 27, 1644.
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| [44.] | E. 3 | The Kingdomes Weekly Intelligencer. Catalogued P. P. London. |
| 11 |
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| [45.] | E. 3 | A CONTINUATION of Certain Speciall and Remarkable passages informed to the Parliament, |
| 13 |
and otherwise from divers parts of this Kingdome, from Wednesday the 10th of Iuly, till Wednesday the 17. of Iuly. 1644. Catalogued P. P. London. Special and Remarkable Passages.
and from various parts of this kingdom, from Wednesday, July 10th, until Wednesday, July 17th, 1644. Catalogued P. P. London. Special and Remarkable Passages.
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| [46.] | E. 2 | Ruperts Sumpter, and Private Cabinet rifled. And a Discovery of his Jewels |
| 24 |
By way of Dialogue between Mercurius Britannicus and Mercurius Aulicus. London. Printed by J. Coe265 A.D. 1644. Catalogued Rupert.
By way of a dialogue between Mercurius Britannicus and Mercurius Aulicus. London. Printed by J. Coe265 CE 1644. Catalogued Rupert.
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| [47.] | E. 4 | The Catholike's Petition to Prince Rupert showing The ground of their Griefe, The force of their Constancie, and their hopes of Recovery. |
| 4 |
With a Draught of a Proclamation presented to his Highnesse, for the more speedy Recruiting his Army, destroying the Protestants, and gaining a Crowne.
With a draft of a Proclamation submitted to his Highness, aimed at quickly recruiting his army, eliminating the Protestants, and seizing a crown.
Prince looke about thee, here is much adoe,
Prince, look around you, there's a lot going on here,
'Tis time to looke, and lay about thee too;
'Tis time to look around and take action too;
Send obstinate offenders to their graves.
Send stubborn offenders to their graves.
That neither will be Catholikes nor slaves.
That neither will be Catholics nor slaves.
Printed according to Order for G. B.266 August 1. 1644. Catalogued Catholics.
Printed according to Order for G. B.266 August 1, 1644. Catalogued Catholics.
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| [48.] | E. 2 | A Continuation of true Intelligence from the English and Scottish Forces, in the North, for the service of King and Parliament, |
| 1 |
and now beleaguering York, from the 16th of June to Wednesday the 10th of July. 1644. Wherein is given a full and particular Accompt of the Battaile with Prince Rupert, and the Marquesse New Castle together with the successe thereof. By Sim. Ash. Chaplaine to the Earle of Manchester, and one of the Ministers of the Assembly. London. Printed for Thomas Underhill, at the Bible in Woodstreet. 1644.
and now surrounding York, from June 16th to Wednesday, July 10th, 1644. Here, you will find a complete and detailed account of the battle with Prince Rupert and the Marquess of Newcastle, along with its outcomes. By Sim. Ash, Chaplain to the Earl of Manchester and one of the Ministers of the Assembly. London. Printed for Thomas Underhill, at the Bible in Woodstreet. 1644.
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| [49.] | E. 90 | An exact description of Prince Rupert's Malignant She-Monkey, great Delinquent: |
| 25 |
Having approved herselfe a better servant, than his white Dog called Boy. Laid open in three particulars: 1. What she is in her owne shape. 2. What she doth figuratively signifie. 3. Her malignant tricks and qualities. Printed for E. Johnson. 1642 (a misprint for 1643). Catalogued Ruperts.
Having proven to be a better servant than his white dog named Boy. This is explained in three parts: 1. What she is in her own form. 2. What she signifies symbolically. 3. Her harmful tricks and qualities. Printed for E. Johnson. 1642 (a misprint for 1643). Catalogued Ruperts.
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| [50.] | E. 93 | The Humerous Tricks and Conceits of Prince Roberts Malignant She-Monkey, discovered to the world before her marriage. |
| 9 |
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[52.] C. 40, c. 33. Pasquil's Jests with the Merriments of Mother Bunch. Wittie pleasant, and delightfull. London. Printed by I. F. and are to be sold by William Gilbertson267 at the signe of the Bible in Giltspur-street. (1650?)
[52.] C. 40, c. 33. Pasquil's Jests with the Fun of Mother Bunch. Witty, entertaining, and delightful. London. Printed by I. F. and are to be sold by William Gilbertson267 at the sign of the Bible in Giltspur Street. (1650?)
| [53.] | C. 20, f. 8 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 254 |
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[54.] 2044, g. Bartholomew Fayre: A Comedie, Acted in the Yeare 1614 By the Lady Elizabeths Servants, And then dedicated to King Iames, of most Blessed Memorie. By the Author, Beniamin Johnson. London. Printed by I. B. for Robert Allot, and are to be sold at the signe of the Beare, in Pauls Church-yard. 1631.
[54.] 2044, Bartholomew Fayre: A Comedy, Performed in the Year 1614 by the Lady Elizabeth's Servants, and then dedicated to King James, of most Blessed Memory. By the Author, Benjamin Johnson. London. Printed by I. B. for Robert Allot, and available at the sign of the Bear, in Paul's Churchyard. 1631.
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| [55.] | C. 20, f. 7 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 214 |
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| [56.] | C. 20, f. 7 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 325 |
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| [57.] | C. 20, f. 7 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 254 |
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| [58.] | 669, f. 10 | Single Sheets. 1646. |
| 105 |
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| [59.] Harl. MSS. | 5947 | |
| 166 |
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| [60.] | C. 20, f. 10 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 76 |
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[61.] 12,315, a. 11. Mirth in abundance. Set forth and made manifest in many Jests, upon severall occasions, full of Wit and Truth. Contriv'd to relieve the Melancholy, and rejoyce the Merry, to expell sorrow, and advance Jollity. All of them New and Noble, free from Rayling, Baudery, Blasphemy or Incivility. Collected and set together by a lover of lawfull Mirth and true hearted Society. London. Printed for Francis Grove, neere the Saracens Head on Snow Hill. 1659.
[61.] 12,315, a. 11. Plenty of laughter. Presented through various jokes, on different occasions, full of wit and truth. Designed to lighten the mood, bring joy to the happy, eliminate sadness, and promote cheerfulness. All of them original and noble, free from insults, vulgarity, blasphemy, or rudeness. Gathered and compiled by someone who appreciates genuine fun and true companionship. London. Printed for Francis Grove, near the Saracens Head on Snow Hill. 1659.
| [62.] Harl. MSS. | 5947 | |
| 167 |
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| [63.] | C. 20, f. 7 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 384 |
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| [64.] | E. 1351 | The Astrologer's Bugg-beare: Being a briefe Description of many Pitthy Passages, |
| 2 |
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which were brought to passe upon that day which the Astrologers pointed out for Black-Monday: Whereby wee may all see [pg 443] and know that God's power is beyond man's expectation. Mark well and take notice, it is worth your observation. Written by L. P. London. Printed for Sicnarf Seloc, in the Yeare of the downfall of darke Astrology, and are to be sold in Country and City, by honest, harmlesse people, that love England and its Friends. Catalogued P.(l.)
which happened on the day that the Astrologers marked as Black Monday: This shows us all [pg 443] and reminds us that God's power surpasses human understanding. Pay close attention and take note, as it’s worth your consideration. Written by L. P. London. Printed for Sicnarf Seloc, in the year of the downfall of dark Astrology, and available for sale in both the country and the city, by honest, harmless people who love England and its friends. Catalogued P.(l.)
——Neque, me ut miretur turba, laboro:
——Neque, I'm not working just to impress the crowd:
Contentus paucis lectoribus.
Content for a few readers.
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| [66.] | C. 20, f. 8 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 78 |
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| [68.] | C. 20, f. 9 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 212 |
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| [69.] | E. 1351 | No-Body his Complaint. |
| 5 |
Dialogue between Master No-Body, and Doctour Some-Body.
A delightfull Discourse, by George Baron
Dialogue between Master No-Body and Doctor Some-Body.
A delightful conversation, by George Baron
No-Body Why do'st thou father all thy Lies
No-Body Why do you make up all your lies?
On me? heaping Indignities
On me? piling on insults
On one that never injur'd thee?
On someone who never harmed you?
Some-Body My Words and Acts hurt No-Body.
Somebody My Words and Acts hurt Nobody.
No-Body. Som-Body hath belied me much,
No one. Somebody has lied to me a lot,
No-Body sure hath cause to grutch.
No one really has a reason to complain.
London. Printed by B. Alsop,270 dwelling near the Upper-Pomp in Grub Street. 1652.
London. Printed by B. Alsop,270 living close to the Upper-Pomp in Grub Street. 1652.
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| [71.] | C. 20, f. 9 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 88 |
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[72.] Grenville, 16,427. Ar't asleepe Husband? A Boulster Lecture. Stored With all variety of Witty jeasts, merry Tales, and other pleasant passages; Extracted from the choicest flowers of Philosophy, Poesy, antient and moderne History. Illustrated with Examples of incomparable constancy, in the excellent History of Philocles and Doriclea. By Philogenes Panedonius. London, Printed by R. Bishop, for Richard Best, and are to be sold at his shop neare Graies-Inne-gate in Holeborne. 1646.
[72.] Grenville, 16,427. Are you asleep, Husband? A Pillow Talk. Filled with all kinds of witty jokes, funny stories, and other enjoyable moments; taken from the best of philosophy, poetry, and both ancient and modern history. Illustrated with examples of unmatched loyalty in the remarkable story of Philocles and Doriclea. By Philogenes Panedonius. London, Printed by R. Bishop, for Richard Best, and available at his shop near Gray's Inn Gate in Holborn. 1646.
| [73.] | C. 39, k. vol. 2 | Bagford Ballads. |
| 171 |
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| [74.] | E. 1640 | Here's Jack in a Box, that will Coniure the Fox, or a new List of the new Fashions now used in London. |
| 3 |
Come who buyes Jack in a Box,
Come, who buys Jack in a Box,
That will Cunjure the Fox,
That will summon the Fox.
And move them to delight:
And move them to enjoy:
It may serve as I may say,
It might be useful, as I can say,
For to passe the time away,
To kill time,
In the long Winter nights,
During long winter nights,
To sit by a good fire,
To sit by a nice fire,
When the Season doth require,
When the season calls,
Your Body to keepe warme:
Keep Your Body Warm:
This Booke of merriment
This Book of Fun
Will yield you sweet content,
Will give you great content,
And doe you no harme.
And do you no harm.
This new merry Booke was newly Invented,
This new cheerful book has just been created,
But never before this time Imprinted.
But never before this time printed.
Written by Laurence Price in the moneth of October. 1656.—London,
Printed for Tho. Vere273 at the Angel without Newgate.
Written by Laurence Price in October 1656.—London,
Printed for Tho. Vere273 at the Angel outside Newgate.
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[75.] Grenville, 11,163. The Wits, or Sport upon Sport. Being a curious Collection of several Drols and Farces, Presented and Shewn For the Merriment and Delight of Wise Men, and the Ignorant. As they have been sundry times Acted in Publique, and Private, In London at Bartholomew, In the Countrey at other Faires. In Halls and Taverns. On several Mountebancks Stages, at Charing Cross, Lincolns Inn Fields, and other places. By Several Stroleing Players, Fools, and Fidlers, and the Mountebancks Zainies with Loud Laughter, and great Applause. Written I know not when, by several Persons, I know not who, But now newly Collected by your Old Friend to please you. Francis Kirkman.274 London, 1672.
[75.] Grenville, 11,163. The Wits, or Sport upon Sport. This is a fascinating collection of various comedies and farces, created for the enjoyment and amusement of both wise individuals and the uninformed. They have been performed multiple times in public and private, in London at Bartholomew Fair, and in other country fairs. In halls and taverns, on various street performers' stages, at Charing Cross, Lincoln's Inn Fields, and elsewhere, by several traveling actors, jesters, and musicians, along with the street performers' antics, resulting in loud laughter and great applause. Written, I don’t know when, by several authors, I don’t know who, but now newly gathered by your old friend to entertain you. Francis Kirkman.274 London, 1672.
| [76.] | C. 20, f. 7 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 343 |
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[77.] 12,331, b. 42. Tarlton's Jests. Drawne into these three parts. 1. His Court Witty Iests. 2. His found City Iests. 3. His Countrey-pretty Iests. full of delight, Wit and honest Mirth. London. Printed by I.H.275 for Andrew Crook, and are to be sold in Pauls Church-yard, at the signe of the Beare. 1638.
[77.] 12,331, b. 42. Tarlton's Jests. Divided into these three parts. 1. His Court Witty Jests. 2. His Found City Jests. 3. His Country Pretty Jests. Full of delight, wit, and genuine laughter. London. Printed by I.H.275 for Andrew Crook, and are available for purchase in Paul's Churchyard, at the sign of the Bear. 1638.
| [79.] | 669, f. 11 | (Single Sheets) 25 Jan. 1647. |
| 121 |
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| [80.] | C. 22, e. 2 | A Collection of Ballads. |
| 153 |
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[81.] 11,623, a.a.a. 32. Epigrammes written on purpose to be read: with a Proviso that they may be understood by the Reader, being Ninety in Number: Besides two new made Satyres that attend them. By John [pg 445] Taylor,276 at the Signe of the Poet's Head, in Phœnix Alley, neare the middle of Long Aker, or Covent Garden. London. Printed in the Yeare 1651.
[81.] 11,623, a.a.a. 32. Epigrams written specifically for reading: with the condition that they can be understood by the reader, totaling ninety in number: along with two newly created satires that accompany them. By John [pg 445] Taylor,276 at the Sign of the Poet's Head, in Phoenix Alley, near the middle of Long Acre, or Covent Garden. London. Printed in the Year 1651.
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| [83.] | C. 39, k. vol. 3 | The Bagford Ballads. |
| 88 |
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| [84.] | C. 22, e. 2 | A Collection of Ballads. |
| 210 |
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[85.] 1078, g. 15. Covent Garden Drollery, or a Collection of all the Choice Songs, Poems, Prologues and Epilogues, Sung and Spoken at Courts and Theaters, never in Print before. Written by the refind'st Witts of the Age. And Collected by A(lexander) B(rome). London. Printed for James Magnes neer the Piazza in Russel Street. 1672. Catalogued B. (a.)
[85.] 1078, g. 15. Covent Garden Drollery, or a Collection of all the Best Songs, Poems, Prologues, and Epilogues, Sung and Spoken at Courts and Theaters, never published before. Written by the finest Wits of the Age. Collected by A(lexander) B(rome). London. Printed for James Magnes near the Piazza in Russell Street. 1672. Catalogued B. (a.)
[86.] 12,316, a. 27. Fragmenta Aulica, or Court and State Jests in Noble Drollery. True and Reall. Ascertained to their Times, Places and Persons. By T. S. Gent. London, Printed for H. Marsh277 at the Princes Armes in Chancery Lane near Fleet street; and Jos. Coniers278 at the Black Raven in the long Walk near Christ Church. 1662. Catalogued S.(t. gent.)
[86.] 12,316, a. 27. Fragmenta Aulica, or Court and State Jests in Noble Drollery. True and Real. Confirmed to their Times, Places and People. By T. S. Gent. London, Printed for H. Marsh277 at the Princes Arms in Chancery Lane near Fleet Street; and Jos. Coniers278 at the Black Raven in the Long Walk near Christ Church. 1662. Catalogued S.(t. gent.)
| [87.] | C. 20, f. 8 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 407 |
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| [88.] | C. 22, e. 2 | A Collection of Ballads. |
| 196 |
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| [89.] | C. 20, f. 7 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 36 |
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| [90.] | C. 20, f. 7 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
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[91.] 12,316, a.a. 7. A Helpe to Discourse. Or A Misselany of Seriousnesse with Merriment. Consisting of witty Philosophicall, Gramaticall, and Astronomicall Questions and Answers. As also Of Epigrams, Epitaphs, Riddles, and Jests. Together with the Countrey-mans Counsellour, next his yearley Oracle or Prognostication to consult with. Contayning divers necessary Rules and Observations, of much use and consequence, beeing knowne. Now the sixt time published, and much inlarged by the former Authors W. B.279 and E. P.280 London. Printed by B. A. and T Fawcet, for Leonard Becket, and are to be sold at his shop in the Temple, neere the Church. 1627. Catalogued. B. (w.) and P. (e.)
[91.] 12,316, a.a. 7. A Help to Conversation. Or A Mixture of Seriousness and Fun. Consisting of witty philosophical, grammatical, and astronomical questions and answers. Along with epigrams, epitaphs, riddles, and jokes. It also includes the Countryman's Advisor, alongside his yearly oracle or prediction to consult. Containing various necessary rules and observations, which are quite useful to know. Now published for the sixth time, greatly expanded by the original authors W. B.279 and E. P.280 London. Printed by B. A. and T. Fawcett, for Leonard Becket, and are to be sold at his shop in the Temple, near the Church. 1627. Catalogued. B. (w.) and P. (e.)
| [92.] | C. 22, e. 2 | A Collection of Ballads. |
| 198 |
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[93.] C. 40, d. 38. Merrie conceited Jests of George Peele281 Gentleman, sometimes a Student in Oxford. Wherein is shewed the course of his life, how he lived; a man very well knowne in the Citie of London, and elsewhere.
[93.] C. 40, d. 38. Merry Clever Jokes of George Peele281 Gentleman, sometimes a Student at Oxford. It shows the course of his life, how he lived; a man well-known in the City of London and beyond.
Buy, reade and judge
Buy, read, and judge
The price doe not grudge;
The price doesn’t hold back;
It will doe thee more pleasure,
It will give you more pleasure,
Than twice so much treasure.
Than twice as much treasure.
London. Printed by G. P. for F. Faulkner,282 and are to be sold at his
Shop in Southwarke, neere Saint Margarets Hill. 1627.
London. Printed by G. P. for F. Faulkner,282 and are to be sold at his
Shop in Southwark, near Saint Margaret's Hill. 1627.
| [94.] | 1080, e. 28 | A choice Banquet of Witty Jests, Rare Fancies, and Pleasant Novels. |
| 2 |
| [95.] | 669, f. 11 | Single Sheets. |
| 127 |
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[97.] 12,316, a. 43. The Merry Dutch Miller and New Invented Windmill. Wherewith he undertaketh to grind all sorts of Women, as the Old, Decreped, Wrinkled, Blear ey'd, Long Nosed, Blind, Lame, Scolds, Jealous, Angry, Poor, Drunkards, W——, Sluts, or all others what soever. They shall come out of his Mill Young, Active, Pleasant, Handsome, Wise, Loving, Vertuous and Rich; Without any Deformity and just suteable to their Husband's Humours.
[97.] 12,316, a. 43. The Merry Dutch Miller and New Invented Windmill. He claims he can transform all kinds of women, including the old, frail, wrinkled, bleary-eyed, long-nosed, blind, lame, nagging, jealous, angry, poor, drunk, promiscuous, and any others as well. They’ll come out of his mill young, lively, charming, attractive, smart, loving, virtuous, and wealthy; without any flaws and perfectly suited to their husbands' personalities.
The Rich for Money, and the Poor for nothing. Composed Dialogue wise, for the Recreation of all those that are inclined to be merry, and may serve to pass away an hour in a Cold winter night (without any great offence) by a good fire side.
The Rich for Money, and the Poor for Nothing. Composed Dialogue wise, for the enjoyment of everyone who likes to have a good time, and can help make a cold winter night more pleasant (without much offense) by a nice warm fire.
The Miller and the Mill you see
The Miller and the Mill you see
How throng'd with Customers they be:
How crowded they are with customers!
Then bring your Wives unto the Mill,
Then bring your wives to the mill,
And Young for Old you shall have still.
And you'll still get young for old.
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| [98.] | 669, f. 26 | Single Sheets. |
| 64 |
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| [99.] | E. 451 | A Brown Dozen of Drunkards: (Ali-ass Drink-hards) Whipt, and shipt to the Isle of Guls: |
| 14 |
for their abusing of Mr Malt the bearded son, and Barley-broth the brainlesse daughter of Sir John Barleycorne. All joco-seriously descanted to our Wine drunk, Wrath drunk, Zeale drunk, staggering Times. By one that hath drunk at St Patricks287 Well. London. Printed by Robert Austen on Addlin-hill. 1648.
for their mistreatment of Mr Malt, the bearded son, and Barley-broth, the clueless daughter of Sir John Barleycorn. Everyone joked seriously about our wine-drunk, wrath-drunk, zeal-drunk, staggering times. By someone who has drunk at St Patricks287 Well. London. Printed by Robert Austen on Addlin-hill. 1648.
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| [100.] | 669, f. 10 | Single sheets. |
| 49 |
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| [101.] | C. 20, f. 2 | Poetical Broadsides. |
| 12 |
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[102.] 1076, m. 2. Humors Ordinarie. Where a man may bee verie merrie, and exceeding well used for his six-pence. At London. Printed by Edward Allde, for William Firebrand, and are to bee sold at his Shoppe in the Popes head Alley, right over against the Taverne doore. 1607. Catalogued Rowlands. (s.)
| [104.] | C. 39, vol. 2. | Bagford Ballads. |
| 111 |
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| [106.] | 669, f. 6 | Single Sheets. |
| 12 |
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| [107.] | (C. 22, e. 2) | English Ballads. |
| 5 |
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| [108.] | C. 22, e. 2 | English Ballads. |
| 66 |
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| [109.] | C. 22, e. 2 | English Ballads. |
| 69 |
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[110.] C. 39, d. 2. The Pleasant Conceites of Old Hobson the merry Londoner, full of humorous discourses, and witty merriments. Whereat the quickest wittes may laugh, and the Wiser sort take pleasure. Printed at London for John Wright, and are to be sold at his shoppe neere Christ Church gate, 1607. Catalogued Johnson (r.)
| [111.] | C. 22, e. 2 | English Ballads. |
| 67 |
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| [112.] | C. 22, e. 2 | English Ballads. |
| 141 |
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| [113.] | 669, f. 16 | Single Sheets—Sep. 1652. |
| 66 |
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| [114.] | C. 22, e. 2 | English Ballads. |
| 43 |
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| [115.] | C. 20, f. 4. vol. 2 | Luttrell Collection. |
| 84 |
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| [117.] | 816, m. 19 | An exact Accompt of the Receipts and Disbursements Expended by the Committee of Safety. |
| 38 |
Upon the Emergent Occasions of the Nation. Delivered in by Mr R. Secretary to the said Committee, to prevent false Reports, and prejudicate Censures. London. Printed for Jer. Hanzen. 1660.
Upon the Emergent Occasions of the Nation. Delivered by Mr. R. Secretary to the said Committee, to prevent false reports and biased judgments. London. Printed for Jer. Hanzen. 1660.
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| [118.] | C. 20, f. 4 vol. 2 | (The Luttrell Collection) Inamorato and Misogamos;or a Love Song Mock'd. |
| 103 |
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London. Printed for H. Brome, at the Gun, at the West End of St Pauls. 1675.
London. Printed for H. Brome, at the Gun, at the West End of St Paul’s. 1675.
| [119.] | C. 39, k. vol. 2 | Bagford Ballads. |
| 61 |
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| [120.] | C. 22, e. 2 | English Ballads. |
| 82 |
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[121.] C. 39, b. 39. Wit and Drollery, Joviall Poems: Corrected and much amended with Additions, By Sir J. M. Ja. S. Sir W. D. J. D.288 and the most refined Wits of the Age. London. Printed for Nath Brook, at the Angel in Cornhil, 1661. Catalogued M. (e.) (The Editor of this edition.)
[121.] C. 39, b. 39. Wit and Drollery, Jovial Poems: Corrected and significantly improved with Additions, By Sir J. M. Ja. S. Sir W. D. J. D.288 and the most refined Wits of the Era. London. Printed for Nath Brook, at the Angel in Cornhil, 1661. Catalogued M. (e.) (The Editor of this edition.)
| [122.] | C. 22, e. 2 | English Ballads. |
| 52 |
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| [123.] | 669, f. 16 | Old Sayings and predictions verified. |
| 13 |
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| [124.] | C. 20, f. 8 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 376 |
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| [125.] | C. 20, f. 7 | Roxburghe Ballads. |
| 34 |
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| [126.] | C. 39, k. vol. 2 | Bagford Collection. |
| 58 |
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[127.] 1078, e. 32. Wit and Mirth; or Pills to purge Melancholy. Being a Collection of the best Merry Ballads and Songs, Old and New. Fitted to all Humours, having each there proper Tune for either Voice or Instrument, many of the Songs being a new Set. &c—London. Printed by Will. Pearson, for Henry Playford. at his Shop in the Temple Change. 1699.
[127.] 1078, e. 32. Wit and Mirth; or Pills to Purge Melancholy. A Collection of the best Fun Ballads and Songs, both Old and New. Suitable for all Moods, with each one having the right Tune for either Voice or Instrument, many of the Songs being newly arranged. &c—London. Printed by Will. Pearson, for Henry Playford, at his Shop in the Temple Change. 1699.
(No entries)
(No entries)
| [128.] | 669, f. 10 | Catalogue of the severall Sects and Opinions in England and other Nations, |
| 111 |
With a briefe Rehearsall of their false and dangerous Tenents. Printed for R. A. 1647.
With a brief overview of their false and dangerous beliefs. Printed for R. A. 1647.
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254 Sir John Menzies, James Smith, Sir William Davenant, and John Dryden. The dedication and preface signed J. P., i.e. John Playford, a publisher and writer of prefaces of that period.
254 Sir John Menzies, James Smith, Sir William Davenant, and John Dryden. The dedication and preface signed J. P., i.e. John Playford, a publisher and writer of prefaces from that time.
255 Nathaniel Brook published between 1661 and 1668.
255 Nathaniel Brook published from 1661 to 1668.
256 John Budge was in business in 1609, as one of the Roxburghe Ballads shows.
256 John Budge was in business in 1609, as one of the Roxburghe Ballads indicates.
257 Query, Royal Exchange.
Query, Royal Exchange.
258 Cademan also published in 1675, as one of the Roxburghe Ballads bears that date.
258 Cademan also published in 1675, as one of the Roxburghe Ballads shows that date.
259 Nothing is known of Capt. Wm. Hickes, except as being the author of Oxford Drolleries and Oxford Jests.
259 We don't know much about Capt. Wm. Hickes, other than that he wrote Oxford Drolleries and Oxford Jests.
260 Published between 1650 and 1687.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Published from 1650 to 1687.
262 Published from 1631 to 1660. Mr. Halliwell reprinted this little book in 1866. He says, "It is believed to be unique. It is an edition with many variations of the old Book of Riddles alluded to by Slender." The copy in the British Museum has a pencil note, "Cost me ten pounds unbound." It is in black letter.
262 Published from 1631 to 1660. Mr. Halliwell reprinted this little book in 1866. He states, "It is thought to be one of a kind. It's a version with many differences from the old Book of Riddles mentioned by Slender." The copy in the British Museum has a pencil note that says, "Cost me ten pounds unbound." It’s in black letter.
263 This, as far as I can learn, is the only year of his publishing.
263 This, as far as I know, is the only year he published.
264 These (said to be the invention of Prince Rupert) are small pear-shaped bubbles of glass, formed by dropping melted glass in water. They will bear a smart stroke on the thick end, but if the thin end is fractured, which is done very easily, they are resolved into a very fine powder, bursting with a slight explosion. These toys are easily procurable.
264 These (supposedly invented by Prince Rupert) are small pear-shaped glass bubbles created by dropping melted glass into water. They can withstand a firm hit on the thick end, but if the thin end gets damaged—something that happens very easily—they break apart into a fine powder, bursting with a slight explosion. These toys are easy to find.
266 Probably G. Bishop, who published from 1641 to 1644.
266 Likely G. Bishop, who published between 1641 and 1644.
268 Alias East, published between 1609 and 1612.
268 Also known as East, published from 1609 to 1612.
269 Certainly published in 1600.
Definitely published in 1600.
270 Published between 1650 and 1652.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Published from 1650 to 1652.
271 Ben Jonson.
Ben Jonson.
272 I cannot find a separate edition of these Epigrams, although there is this entry in the Register of the Stationers Company: "John Stepneth. 15to Maii 1612. Entred for his Copy vnder th' (h)andes of master Nydd, and Th(e) wardens, A booke called, Ben Johnson his Epigrams. vjd."
272 I can't find a separate edition of these Epigrams, but there is this entry in the Register of the Stationers Company: "John Stepneth. May 15, 1612. Entered for his Copy under the hands of Master Nydd and the wardens, a book called Ben Johnson's Epigrams. 6d."
274 Kirkman also published in 1661.
Kirkman also published in 1661.
275 In all probability Joseph Hunt in Bedlem, near Moore field gate, who printed in 1613.
275 Most likely, Joseph Hunt in Bedlam, near Moore Field Gate, who printed in 1613.
276 The "Water Poet."
The "Water Poet."
277 Published 1660, 1661.
278 Or Conyers, was also in Fetter Lane, Duck Lane, on Holborn Hill, and at the Anchor and Bible adjoining St. Peter's Alley, Cornhill, published 1682-1691.
278 Or Conyers was also located in Fetter Lane, Duck Lane, on Holborn Hill, and at the Anchor and Bible next to St. Peter's Alley, Cornhill, published from 1682 to 1691.
279 William Basse.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ William Basse.
280 Edward Phillips, author of Theatrum Poetarum, or a Compleat Collection of the Poets. Lond. 1675.
280 Edward Phillips, the author of Theatrum Poetarum, or a Complete Collection of the Poets. London, 1675.
281 He was a dramatic author, and an acquaintance both of Shakespeare and Ben Jonson. He led what we should term a somewhat "fast life."
281 He was a playwright and knew both Shakespeare and Ben Jonson. He lived what we would call a pretty "wild lifestyle."
282 He lived "over against St. Margaret's Hill in Southwark," and published one of the Roxburghe ballads in 1631.
282 He lived "across from St. Margaret's Hill in Southwark," and published one of the Roxburghe ballads in 1631.
283 Archie Armstrong, Court Jester to James I. and Charles I.
283 Archie Armstrong, the Court Jester to James I and Charles I.
284 There was another of this name, T. Dring, who lived in Fleet Street, and published between 1650 and 1687.
284 There was another person by this name, T. Dring, who lived on Fleet Street and published works between 1650 and 1687.
285 Published from 1658 to 1674.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Published from 1658 to 1674.
286 Although separate publishers, they were occasionally partners, and as such published from 1655 to 1680.
286 Even though they were different publishers, they sometimes worked together and published from 1655 to 1680.
SOME OF THE TUNES
noted
in this book.
Sir Eglamore. See p. 9.
Come Lasses and Lads. See p. 23.
Sellenger's Round. See p. 68.
Dumb, Dumb, Dumb. See p. 99.
Sawney and Jockey. See p. 116.
Stingo; or, the Oyle of Barley. See p. 124, p. 276.
Pegge of Ramsay; or, Watton Town's End. See p. 142.
Upon a Summer's Day. See p. 159.
Shall I lye beyond thee? or, Lulle me beyond thee. See p. 207.
The Spinning Wheel. See p. 241.
Cuckolds all a Row. See p. 255.
The Leather Bottel. See p. 312, p. 343.
Ragged and Torn. See p. 327.
There was a Jovial Beggar. See p. 386.
Ioan's Ale is New. See p. 399.
Love will find out the way. See p. 417.
The Joviall Crew; or,
A Beggar, a Beggar, a Beggar I'll be. See p. 424.
Transcriber's Note:
Footnotes are numbered consecutively through the book, 1 to 288, and placed below the snippet/poem/article etc. to which they refer.
Footnotes are numbered consecutively throughout the book, 1 to 288, and positioned below the excerpt/poem/article etc. to which they relate.
The other numbers in square brackets, e.g. [61.], are references to publications listed at the end of the book.
The other numbers in square brackets, e.g. [61.], reference publications that are listed at the end of the book.
(Some numbers are used multiple times. Online readers could use the Back button, or Back arrow, to return from Endnotes. 'Return to p. ' numbers have been supplied as an aid for devices without Back buttons.)
(Some numbers are used multiple times. Online readers can use the Back button or Back arrow to return from Endnotes. 'Return to p. ' numbers have been added to help users on devices without Back buttons.)
Special Notes, (a. - u.), are specific to one poem. They are placed, as in the original, after each stanza.
Special Notes, (a. - u.), are specific to one poem. They are placed, just like in the original, after each stanza.
Sidenotes are used for one poem, and are placed to the right of the text, in the margin.
Sidenotes are used for one poem and are located in the margin to the right of the text.
Punctuation is somewhat irregular, and not always present. Opening quotes are not always closed, and sometimes the closing quote is many paragraphs after the opening quote. Punctuation has not been regularised. Some punctuation is older style, as : for . Some missing or damaged punctuation has been repaired.
Punctuation is a bit inconsistent and not always used. Opening quotes aren't always closed, and sometimes the closing quote appears many paragraphs after the opening quote. Punctuation hasn't been standardized. Some punctuation uses an older style, like using ':' instead of '.'. Some missing or damaged punctuation has been fixed.
The spelling is not necessarily consistent. A word or name can be spelt several ways in the same article. All logical variants have been retained.
The spelling isn’t always consistent. A word or name can be spelled in different ways in the same article. All reasonable variations have been kept.
'I' often means 'aye' (meaning 'yes'), even in the same sentence as 'I' the personal pronoun.
'I' often means 'yeah' (meaning 'yes'), even in the same sentence as 'I' the personal pronoun.
The spelling of this book is from the 17th Century, when modern spelling rules did not apply.
The spelling in this book is from the 17th century, when modern spelling rules weren't in place.
Apostrophes (of ownership) were usually absent.
Apostrophes (for showing ownership) were usually missing.
Dashes frequently replace letters in censored words, leaving the astute reader able to guess the word, while not falling foul of officialdom.
Dashes often replace letters in censored words, allowing the observant reader to figure out the word without getting in trouble with authorities.
Page 3: King Harry groates
Page 3: King Harry grumbles
Harry was King Henry; a groat was an old English silver coin, first coined by Henry III in 1249, and by Edward III in 1351. Originally worth one penny, it later rose to the value of fourpence. The groat was revived between 1836 and 1856, and withdrawn from circulation in 1887 (from Collins New Age Encyclopedia, 1963).
Harry was King Henry; a groat was an old English silver coin, first minted by Henry III in 1249, and by Edward III in 1351. Originally worth one penny, it later increased to a value of fourpence. The groat was reintroduced between 1836 and 1856, and was removed from circulation in 1887 (from Collins New Age Encyclopedia, 1963).
Page 104: Pr. Rob. Dog corrected to Pr. Rup. Dog (printer's error).
Page 104: Pr. Rob. Dog changed to Pr. Rup. Dog (printer's error).
Page 147: 'I'l.' sic. "and therefore I'l. light."
Page 147: 'I'll.' sic. "and therefore I'll light."
Page 150: 'I, i and J, j were often interchangeable:
Page 150: 'I, i and J, j were often used interchangeably:
Puss my aple gainst thy mouse jle lay The gam's mine jf thast ne'r a trump to play
Puss my apple against your mouse just lay The game's mine if there's never a trump to play
would perhaps today be written
might be written today
Puss my apple 'gainst thy mouse I'll lay The game's mine if thou hast ne'er a trump to play
Puss, I'll put my apple against your mouse I win the game if you don't have a trump to play
but this book is 17th century....
but this book is 17th century....
Page 182: 'of his freind'. "Freind" was a normal 17th century spelling of 'friend'.
'of his friend'
Page 268: [94*.] is as printed. The reason for the asterisk is unclear.
Page 268: [94*.] is as printed. The reason for the asterisk isn't clear.
Page 275: 60000l. l is short for 'libra' (Latin) = £ (pound/pounds); so, £60,000.
£60,000.
Page 318, Footnote 201: 'Whitlocke' and 'Whitelocke' both occur. Wikipedia favours 'Whitelocke', but both spellings have been retained.
Page 318, Footnote 201: 'Whitlocke' and 'Whitelocke' both appear. Wikipedia prefers 'Whitelocke', but both spellings have been kept.
Page 333: 'is' corrected to 'in'.
Page 333: 'is' corrected to 'in'.
"the Hare went through a Muse211 in a Hedg where a Carpenter had hid his Axe,..."
"the Hare went through a Muse211 in a Hedge where a Carpenter had hidden his Axe,..."
Page 437 et seq.: Appendix. Traditional Printers had the luxury of being able to assign an absolute width to the pages of printed books. The text of online books is of variable width, depending on the computer size or the mobile medium chosen by the reader. Accordingly, entries containing British Museum reference numbers in the style of fractions may not wrap appropriately for some online or mobile devices. It is practically impossible to render these entries at a correct width to suit all reading devices. Shorter, but readable lines were deemed better than overlaps.
Page 437 et seq.: Appendix. Traditional printers could set a fixed width for the pages of printed books. In contrast, the text in online books varies in width, depending on the size of the computer or the mobile device used by the reader. As a result, entries with British Museum reference numbers formatted like fractions may not wrap correctly on some online or mobile devices. It's nearly impossible to adjust these entries to fit all reading devices perfectly. Shorter, more readable lines were considered preferable to overlaps.
Page 438: 'woood' corrected to 'wood
Page 438: 'woood' corrected to 'wood'
"Being a Mock to the Crab of the Wood, and to that Tune:"
"Being a Mock to the Crab of the Wood, and to that Tune:"
Page 440: Printed for R. Jackson 1643.263; Printed for I. Underwood 1643.263 This is not an error: the same footnote (263 This, as far as I can learn, is the only year of his publishing.) would appear to apply to both publishers.
Page 440: Printed for R. Jackson 1643.263; Printed for I. Underwood 1643.263 This isn't a mistake: the same footnote (263 From what I can find out, this seems to be the only year he published.) applies to both publishers.
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