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Produced by Judith Boss and David Widger
Produced by Judith Boss and David Widger
HEART OF DARKNESS
By Joseph Conrad
By Joseph Conrad
I
The Nellie, a cruising yawl, swung to her anchor without a flutter of the sails, and was at rest. The flood had made, the wind was nearly calm, and being bound down the river, the only thing for it was to come to and wait for the turn of the tide.
The Nellie, a cruising yawl, swung to her anchor without a flutter of the sails and came to rest. The tide had come in, the wind was almost calm, and since we were heading down the river, the only thing to do was to stop and wait for the tide to change.
The sea-reach of the Thames stretched before us like the beginning of an interminable waterway. In the offing the sea and the sky were welded together without a joint, and in the luminous space the tanned sails of the barges drifting up with the tide seemed to stand still in red clusters of canvas sharply peaked, with gleams of varnished sprits. A haze rested on the low shores that ran out to sea in vanishing flatness. The air was dark above Gravesend, and farther back still seemed condensed into a mournful gloom, brooding motionless over the biggest, and the greatest, town on earth.
The stretch of the Thames river opened up before us like the start of an endless waterway. In the distance, the sea and sky merged seamlessly, and in the bright expanse, the sun-tanned sails of the barges drifting with the tide appeared to hover in red clusters of sharply pointed canvas, sparkling with polished sprits. A haze lingered over the low shores that faded into the sea. The air was dark above Gravesend, and even further back, it seemed thick with a mournful gloom, silently hovering over the largest and greatest city on earth.
The Director of Companies was our captain and our host. We four affectionately watched his back as he stood in the bows looking to seaward. On the whole river there was nothing that looked half so nautical. He resembled a pilot, which to a seaman is trustworthiness personified. It was difficult to realize his work was not out there in the luminous estuary, but behind him, within the brooding gloom.
The Director of Companies was our leader and our host. We four fondly watched his back as he stood at the front, looking out to sea. On the whole river, nothing looked as nautical as him. He looked like a pilot, which for a sailor means reliability personified. It was hard to believe that his work wasn’t out there in the bright estuary, but behind him, in the shadowy gloom.
Between us there was, as I have already said somewhere, the bond of the sea. Besides holding our hearts together through long periods of separation, it had the effect of making us tolerant of each other's yarns—and even convictions. The Lawyer—the best of old fellows—had, because of his many years and many virtues, the only cushion on deck, and was lying on the only rug. The Accountant had brought out already a box of dominoes, and was toying architecturally with the bones. Marlow sat cross-legged right aft, leaning against the mizzen-mast. He had sunken cheeks, a yellow complexion, a straight back, an ascetic aspect, and, with his arms dropped, the palms of hands outwards, resembled an idol. The Director, satisfied the anchor had good hold, made his way aft and sat down amongst us. We exchanged a few words lazily. Afterwards there was silence on board the yacht. For some reason or other we did not begin that game of dominoes. We felt meditative, and fit for nothing but placid staring. The day was ending in a serenity of still and exquisite brilliance. The water shone pacifically; the sky, without a speck, was a benign immensity of unstained light; the very mist on the Essex marshes was like a gauzy and radiant fabric, hung from the wooded rises inland, and draping the low shores in diaphanous folds. Only the gloom to the west, brooding over the upper reaches, became more somber every minute, as if angered by the approach of the sun.
Between us, there was, as I’ve mentioned before, the connection of the sea. Besides keeping our hearts tied together through long stretches of separation, it also made us more accepting of each other's stories—and even beliefs. The Lawyer—the best of old friends—had, due to his many years and qualities, the only cushion on deck and was lying on the only rug. The Accountant had already brought out a box of dominoes and was playing with the pieces creatively. Marlow sat cross-legged at the back, leaning against the mizzen-mast. He had sunken cheeks, a yellow complexion, a straight back, and an ascetic look, and with his arms relaxed and palms facing outward, he resembled an idol. The Director, satisfied that the anchor was secure, made his way to the back and joined us. We exchanged a few lazy words. Afterwards, there was silence on the yacht. For some reason, we didn’t start that game of dominoes. We felt thoughtful, ready for nothing but calm gazing. The day was ending in a peaceful, stunning glow. The water shimmered gently; the sky, without a single cloud, was a vast expanse of pure light; the mist over the Essex marshes looked like a delicate, glowing fabric, draped from the wooded hills inland, cascading over the low shores in sheer layers. Only the darkness to the west, looming over the upper waters, became more somber by the minute, as if irritated by the sun's approach.
And at last, in its curved and imperceptible fall, the sun sank low, and from glowing white changed to a dull red without rays and without heat, as if about to go out suddenly, stricken to death by the touch of that gloom brooding over a crowd of men.
And finally, in its smooth and barely noticeable descent, the sun dropped low, shifting from bright white to a dull red without any beams or warmth, as if it was about to suddenly extinguish, knocked out by the heavy darkness hanging over the group of men.
Forthwith a change came over the waters, and the serenity became less brilliant but more profound. The old river in its broad reach rested unruffled at the decline of day, after ages of good service done to the race that peopled its banks, spread out in the tranquil dignity of a waterway leading to the uttermost ends of the earth. We looked at the venerable stream not in the vivid flush of a short day that comes and departs for ever, but in the august light of abiding memories. And indeed nothing is easier for a man who has, as the phrase goes, "followed the sea" with reverence and affection, than to evoke the great spirit of the past upon the lower reaches of the Thames. The tidal current runs to and fro in its unceasing service, crowded with memories of men and ships it had borne to the rest of home or to the battles of the sea. It had known and served all the men of whom the nation is proud, from Sir Francis Drake to Sir John Franklin, knights all, titled and untitled—the great knights-errant of the sea. It had borne all the ships whose names are like jewels flashing in the night of time, from the Golden Hind returning with her round flanks full of treasure, to be visited by the Queen's Highness and thus pass out of the gigantic tale, to the Erebus and Terror, bound on other conquests—and that never returned. It had known the ships and the men. They had sailed from Deptford, from Greenwich, from Erith—the adventurers and the settlers; kings' ships and the ships of men on 'Change; captains, admirals, the dark "interlopers" of the Eastern trade, and the commissioned "generals" of East India fleets. Hunters for gold or pursuers of fame, they all had gone out on that stream, bearing the sword, and often the torch, messengers of the might within the land, bearers of a spark from the sacred fire. What greatness had not floated on the ebb of that river into the mystery of an unknown earth! . . . The dreams of men, the seed of commonwealths, the germs of empires.
Suddenly, a change swept over the waters, and the calm became less bright but more profound. The old river, in its wide stretch, lay still as day faded, after serving the communities along its banks for ages, spreading out with the serene dignity of a waterway leading to the farthest corners of the earth. We viewed the ancient stream not in the bright glow of a fleeting day that comes and goes forever, but in the respected light of lasting memories. In fact, it's easy for someone who has, as the saying goes, "followed the sea" with reverence and affection, to summon the great spirit of the past along the lower reaches of the Thames. The tidal current moves back and forth in its endless service, filled with memories of the people and ships it has carried homeward or to sea battles. It has known and served all the men of whom the nation is proud, from Sir Francis Drake to Sir John Franklin, knights both titled and untitled—the great adventurers of the sea. It has carried all the ships whose names are like gems shining in the night of time, from the Golden Hind returning with her rounded hull full of treasure, to be visited by the Queen and thus fade from the epic story, to the Erebus and Terror, set on other conquests—and that never returned. It has known the ships and the men. They sailed from Deptford, from Greenwich, from Erith—the adventurers and settlers; kings' ships and the vessels of merchants; captains, admirals, the dark "interlopers" of the Eastern trade, and the commissioned "generals" of East India fleets. Hunters for gold or seekers of fame, they all ventured out on that stream, carrying swords, and often torches, messengers of the power within the land, bearers of a spark from the sacred fire. What greatness hasn't flowed on the current of that river into the mystery of an unknown world! . . . The dreams of men, the seeds of nations, the beginnings of empires.
The sun set; the dusk fell on the stream, and lights began to appear along the shore. The Chapman lighthouse, a three-legged thing erect on a mud-flat, shone strongly. Lights of ships moved in the fairway—a great stir of lights going up and going down. And farther west on the upper reaches the place of the monstrous town was still marked ominously on the sky, a brooding gloom in sunshine, a lurid glare under the stars.
The sun went down; twilight settled over the stream, and lights started to show up along the shore. The Chapman lighthouse, a three-legged structure standing on a mudflat, shone brightly. The lights of ships moved in the fairway—a great mix of lights coming and going. And further west, in the upper reaches, the site of the huge town was still ominously visible in the sky, a dark shadow in daylight, a harsh glare under the stars.
"And this also," said Marlow suddenly, "has been one of the dark places of the earth."
"And this too," Marlow said suddenly, "has been one of the dark places of the world."
He was the only man of us who still "followed the sea." The worst that could be said of him was that he did not represent his class. He was a seaman, but he was a wanderer, too, while most seamen lead, if one may so express it, a sedentary life. Their minds are of the stay-at-home order, and their home is always with them—the ship; and so is their country—the sea. One ship is very much like another, and the sea is always the same. In the immutability of their surroundings the foreign shores, the foreign faces, the changing immensity of life, glide past, veiled not by a sense of mystery but by a slightly disdainful ignorance; for there is nothing mysterious to a seaman unless it be the sea itself, which is the mistress of his existence and as inscrutable as Destiny. For the rest, after his hours of work, a casual stroll or a casual spree on shore suffices to unfold for him the secret of a whole continent, and generally he finds the secret not worth knowing. The yarns of seamen have a direct simplicity, the whole meaning of which lies within the shell of a cracked nut. But Marlow was not typical (if his propensity to spin yarns be excepted), and to him the meaning of an episode was not inside like a kernel but outside, enveloping the tale which brought it out only as a glow brings out a haze, in the likeness of one of these misty halos that sometimes are made visible by the spectral illumination of moonshine.
He was the only one among us who still "followed the sea." The worst you could say about him was that he didn’t really represent his class. He was a sailor, but he was also a wanderer, while most sailors live what you might call a settled life. Their minds are the kind that stay at home, and their home is always with them—the ship; so is their country—the sea. One ship is pretty much like another, and the sea is always the same. In the unchanging nature of their environment, foreign shores, foreign faces, and the vastness of life pass by, not shrouded in mystery but in a kind of disdainful ignorance; because to a sailor, nothing is mysterious unless it’s the sea itself, which is the master of his life and as unfathomable as Destiny. For the rest, after work hours, a simple walk or a casual night out on shore is enough for him to uncover the secrets of an entire continent, and he usually finds those secrets aren’t worth knowing. Sailors' stories are straightforward, their entire meaning contained within the shell of a nut. But Marlow wasn’t typical (unless you count his habit of telling stories), and for him, the meaning of a tale was not like a kernel hidden inside but something that surrounded it, emerging only as a glow reveals a haze, like one of those misty halos that sometimes become visible under the eerie light of the moon.
His remark did not seem at all surprising. It was just like Marlow. It was accepted in silence. No one took the trouble to grunt even; and presently he said, very slow—
His comment didn't seem surprising at all. It was just typical of Marlow. Everyone accepted it quietly. No one even bothered to grunt; and after a moment, he said very slowly—
"I was thinking of very old times, when the Romans first came here, nineteen hundred years ago—the other day. . . . Light came out of this river since—you say Knights? Yes; but it is like a running blaze on a plain, like a flash of lightning in the clouds. We live in the flicker—may it last as long as the old earth keeps rolling! But darkness was here yesterday. Imagine the feelings of a commander of a fine—what d'ye call 'em?—trireme in the Mediterranean, ordered suddenly to the north; run overland across the Gauls in a hurry; put in charge of one of these craft the legionaries,—a wonderful lot of handy men they must have been too—used to build, apparently by the hundred, in a month or two, if we may believe what we read. Imagine him here—the very end of the world, a sea the color of lead, a sky the color of smoke, a kind of ship about as rigid as a concertina—and going up this river with stores, or orders, or what you like. Sandbanks, marshes, forests, savages,—precious little to eat fit for a civilized man, nothing but Thames water to drink. No Falernian wine here, no going ashore. Here and there a military camp lost in a wilderness, like a needle in a bundle of hay—cold, fog, tempests, disease, exile, and death,—death skulking in the air, in the water, in the bush. They must have been dying like flies here. Oh yes—he did it. Did it very well, too, no doubt, and without thinking much about it either, except afterwards to brag of what he had gone through in his time, perhaps. They were men enough to face the darkness. And perhaps he was cheered by keeping his eye on a chance of promotion to the fleet at Ravenna by-and-by, if he had good friends in Rome and survived the awful climate. Or think of a decent young citizen in a toga—perhaps too much dice, you know—coming out here in the train of some prefect, or tax-gatherer, or trader even, to mend his fortunes. Land in a swamp, march through the woods, and in some inland post feel the savagery, the utter savagery, had closed round him,—all that mysterious life of the wilderness that stirs in the forest, in the jungles, in the hearts of wild men. There's no initiation either into such mysteries. He has to live in the midst of the incomprehensible, which is also detestable. And it has a fascination, too, that goes to work upon him. The fascination of the abomination—you know. Imagine the growing regrets, the longing to escape, the powerless disgust, the surrender, the hate."
"I was thinking about very old times, when the Romans first arrived here, nineteen hundred years ago—the other day... Light has come out of this river since—you mention Knights? Yes; but it's like a flickering flame on a plain, like a flash of lightning in the clouds. We live in the flicker—may it last as long as the old earth keeps turning! But darkness was here yesterday. Picture the feelings of a commander of a fine—what do you call them?—trireme in the Mediterranean, suddenly ordered to the north; rushing overland across Gaul; put in charge of one of these vessels, the legionaries—a remarkable group of capable men they must have been too—able to build, it seems, by the hundreds in a month or two, if we can believe what we read. Imagine him here—the very end of the world, a sea the color of lead, a sky the color of smoke, a kind of ship as flexible as a concertina—and going up this river with supplies, or orders, or whatever you like. Sandbanks, marshes, forests, savages—hardly anything suitable to eat for a civilized person, just Thames water to drink. No Falernian wine here, no landing on shore. Here and there a military camp lost in a wilderness, like a needle in a haystack—cold, fog, storms, disease, exile, and death—death lurking in the air, in the water, in the brush. They must have been dying like flies here. Oh yes—he did it. Did it very well too, no doubt, and without thinking much about it either, except later to boast about what he had endured in his time, perhaps. They were brave enough to face the darkness. And maybe he was encouraged by the prospect of a promotion to the fleet at Ravenna eventually, if he had good friends in Rome and survived the terrible climate. Or think of a decent young citizen in a toga—maybe a bit too fond of dice, you know—coming out here in the entourage of some prefect, tax collector, or even trader, to improve his fortunes. Arriving in a swamp, marching through the woods, and in some inland post, feeling the savagery, the utter savagery, closing in around him— all that mysterious life of the wilderness stirring in the forest, in the jungles, in the hearts of wild men. There’s no initiation into such mysteries either. He has to live in the midst of the incomprehensible, which is also disgusting. And it has a pull too, that draws him in. The allure of the abomination—you know. Imagine the growing regrets, the desire to escape, the helpless disgust, the surrender, the hate."
He paused.
He took a moment.
"Mind," he began again, lifting one arm from the elbow, the palm of the hand outwards, so that, with his legs folded before him, he had the pose of a Buddha preaching in European clothes and without a lotus-flower—"Mind, none of us would feel exactly like this. What saves us is efficiency—the devotion to efficiency. But these chaps were not much account, really. They were no colonists; their administration was merely a squeeze, and nothing more, I suspect. They were conquerors, and for that you want only brute force—nothing to boast of, when you have it, since your strength is just an accident arising from the weakness of others. They grabbed what they could get for the sake of what was to be got. It was just robbery with violence, aggravated murder on a great scale, and men going at it blind—as is very proper for those who tackle a darkness. The conquest of the earth, which mostly means the taking it away from those who have a different complexion or slightly flatter noses than ourselves, is not a pretty thing when you look into it too much. What redeems it is the idea only. An idea at the back of it; not a sentimental pretense but an idea; and an unselfish belief in the idea—something you can set up, and bow down before, and offer a sacrifice to. . . ."
"Listen," he started again, lifting one arm from the elbow, palm facing out, so that with his legs crossed in front of him, he resembled a Buddha preaching in Western attire and without a lotus flower—"Listen, none of us would feel exactly like this. What saves us is efficiency—the commitment to efficiency. But these guys didn't really matter. They weren't colonists; their administration was just exploitation, and nothing more, I think. They were conquerors, and for that, you only need brute force—nothing to brag about when you have it, since your strength is just a coincidence arising from the weakness of others. They took what they could get for the sake of what could be gained. It was just robbery with violence, large-scale murder, and men going at it blindly—as is expected for those who face a darkness. The conquest of the earth, which mostly means taking it away from those who are a different color or have slightly flatter noses than ours, is not a pretty sight when you examine it too closely. What makes it somewhat redeemable is the idea behind it. An idea at its core; not a sentimental facade but a real idea; and a selfless belief in that idea—something you can stand up for, bow down to, and sacrifice for. . . ."
He broke off. Flames glided in the river, small green flames, red flames, white flames, pursuing, overtaking, joining, crossing each other—then separating slowly or hastily. The traffic of the great city went on in the deepening night upon the sleepless river. We looked on, waiting patiently—there was nothing else to do till the end of the flood; but it was only after a long silence, when he said, in a hesitating voice, "I suppose you fellows remember I did once turn fresh-water sailor for a bit," that we knew we were fated, before the ebb began to run, to hear about one of Marlow's inconclusive experiences.
He stopped speaking. Flames danced in the river—small green flames, red flames, white flames—chasing, passing, merging, crossing each other, and then drifting apart slowly or quickly. The city's hustle continued in the deepening night over the restless river. We watched, waiting patiently—there was nothing else we could do until the flood receded; but after a long silence, he finally said, in a hesitant voice, "I guess you guys remember I once worked as a fresh-water sailor for a bit," and we realized we were destined, before the tide started to turn, to hear about one of Marlow's uncertain experiences.
"I don't want to bother you much with what happened to me personally," he began, showing in this remark the weakness of many tellers of tales who seem so often unaware of what their audience would best like to hear; "yet to understand the effect of it on me you ought to know how I got out there, what I saw, how I went up that river to the place where I first met the poor chap. It was the farthest point of navigation and the culminating point of my experience. It seemed somehow to throw a kind of light on everything about me—and into my thoughts. It was somber enough too—and pitiful—not extraordinary in any way—not very clear either. No, not very clear. And yet it seemed to throw a kind of light.
"I don’t want to trouble you too much with what happened to me personally,” he started, revealing the weakness of many storytellers who often don’t realize what their audience really wants to hear. “But to understand how it affected me, you need to know how I got there, what I saw, and how I traveled up that river to the spot where I first met that poor guy. It was the furthest point of navigation and the peak of my experience. It somehow cast a kind of light on everything around me—and into my thoughts. It was pretty dark and pitiful—not extraordinary in any way—not very clear either. No, not very clear. Yet it seemed to cast a kind of light."
"I had then, as you remember, just returned to London after a lot of Indian Ocean, Pacific, China Seas—a regular dose of the East—six years or so, and I was loafing about, hindering you fellows in your work and invading your homes, just as though I had got a heavenly mission to civilize you. It was very fine for a time, but after a bit I did get tired of resting. Then I began to look for a ship—I should think the hardest work on earth. But the ships wouldn't even look at me. And I got tired of that game too.
"I had just gotten back to London after spending a lot of time in the Indian Ocean, Pacific, and China Seas—a solid chunk of time in the East—for about six years. I was just hanging around, getting in your way while you worked and barging into your homes, as if I had some divine mission to civilize you. It was great for a while, but eventually, I got tired of doing nothing. So, I started looking for a ship—which I’d say is the hardest job on the planet. But the ships wouldn’t even give me a glance. I got fed up with that too."
"Now when I was a little chap I had a passion for maps. I would look for hours at South America, or Africa, or Australia, and lose myself in all the glories of exploration. At that time there were many blank spaces on the earth, and when I saw one that looked particularly inviting on a map (but they all look that) I would put my finger on it and say, 'When I grow up I will go there.' The North Pole was one of these places, I remember. Well, I haven't been there yet, and shall not try now. The glamour's off. Other places were scattered about the Equator, and in every sort of latitude all over the two hemispheres. I have been in some of them, and . . . well, we won't talk about that. But there was one yet—the biggest, the most blank, so to speak—that I had a hankering after.
"Back when I was just a kid, I was really into maps. I could spend hours staring at South America, Africa, or Australia, getting lost in the excitement of exploration. At that time, there were still a lot of blank spots on the globe, and whenever I found one that looked especially appealing on a map (which they all did), I would point to it and say, 'When I grow up, I'm going to go there.' The North Pole was one of those places that I remember. Well, I haven’t made it there yet, and I don’t plan to try anymore. The excitement just isn’t there. There were other spots around the Equator and in every kind of latitude across the two hemispheres. I've been to some of them, and… well, let's not get into that. But there was still one place—the biggest and the emptiest, so to speak—that I really wanted to visit."
"True, by this time it was not a blank space any more. It had got filled since my boyhood with rivers and lakes and names. It had ceased to be a blank space of delightful mystery—a white patch for a boy to dream gloriously over. It had become a place of darkness. But there was in it one river especially, a mighty big river, that you could see on the map, resembling an immense snake uncoiled, with its head in the sea, its body at rest curving afar over a vast country, and its tail lost in the depths of the land. And as I looked at the map of it in a shop-window, it fascinated me as a snake would a bird—a silly little bird. Then I remembered there was a big concern, a Company for trade on that river. Dash it all! I thought to myself, they can't trade without using some kind of craft on that lot of fresh water—steamboats! Why shouldn't I try to get charge of one? I went on along Fleet Street, but could not shake off the idea. The snake had charmed me.
"Sure, by this point, it wasn't a blank space anymore. It had filled up since my childhood with rivers, lakes, and names. It had stopped being a blank canvas of delightful mystery—a white patch for a boy to dream about. It had turned into a place of darkness. But there was one river in particular, a huge river, that you could see on the map, looking like a massive snake uncoiled, with its head in the sea, its body resting and curving far across the land, and its tail lost in the depths of the territory. As I stared at the map in a shop window, it fascinated me like a snake does a little bird—a silly little bird. Then I remembered there was a large company, a trading Company on that river. Damn it! I thought to myself, they can’t trade without using some kind of boat on that stretch of fresh water—steamboats! Why shouldn’t I try to take charge of one? I walked down Fleet Street, but couldn’t shake off the idea. The snake had enchanted me."
"You understand it was a Continental concern, that Trading society; but I have a lot of relations living on the Continent, because it's cheap and not so nasty as it looks, they say.
"You get that it was a Continental issue, that trading community; but I have a lot of family living in Europe because it's affordable and not as awful as it seems, they say."
"I am sorry to own I began to worry them. This was already a fresh departure for me. I was not used to get things that way, you know. I always went my own road and on my own legs where I had a mind to go. I wouldn't have believed it of myself; but, then—you see—I felt somehow I must get there by hook or by crook. So I worried them. The men said 'My dear fellow,' and did nothing. Then—would you believe it?—I tried the women. I, Charlie Marlow, set the women to work—to get a job. Heavens! Well, you see, the notion drove me. I had an aunt, a dear enthusiastic soul. She wrote: 'It will be delightful. I am ready to do anything, anything for you. It is a glorious idea. I know the wife of a very high personage in the Administration, and also a man who has lots of influence with,' &c., &c. She was determined to make no end of fuss to get me appointed skipper of a river steamboat, if such was my fancy.
"I'm sorry to admit I started to worry them. This was already a new experience for me. I wasn't used to getting things this way, you know. I always followed my own path and did what I wanted. I wouldn’t have believed it about myself; but then—you see—I felt like I had to get there by any means necessary. So I worried them. The men said, 'My dear fellow,' and did nothing. Then—would you believe it?—I tried the women. I, Charlie Marlow, got the women to help me find a job. Goodness! Well, you see, the idea consumed me. I had an aunt, a dear enthusiastic soul. She wrote, 'It will be wonderful. I’m ready to do anything for you. It’s a fantastic idea. I know the wife of a very high-ranking official in the Administration, and also a man who has a lot of influence,' etc., etc. She was determined to make a huge fuss to get me appointed as the captain of a river steamboat, if that’s what I wanted."
"I got my appointment—of course; and I got it very quick. It appears the Company had received news that one of their captains had been killed in a scuffle with the natives. This was my chance, and it made me the more anxious to go. It was only months and months afterwards, when I made the attempt to recover what was left of the body, that I heard the original quarrel arose from a misunderstanding about some hens. Yes, two black hens. Fresleven—that was the fellow's name, a Dane—thought himself wronged somehow in the bargain, so he went ashore and started to hammer the chief of the village with a stick. Oh, it didn't surprise me in the least to hear this, and at the same time to be told that Fresleven was the gentlest, quietest creature that ever walked on two legs. No doubt he was; but he had been a couple of years already out there engaged in the noble cause, you know, and he probably felt the need at last of asserting his self-respect in some way. Therefore he whacked the old nigger mercilessly, while a big crowd of his people watched him, thunderstruck, till some man,—I was told the chief's son,—in desperation at hearing the old chap yell, made a tentative jab with a spear at the white man—and of course it went quite easy between the shoulder-blades. Then the whole population cleared into the forest, expecting all kinds of calamities to happen, while, on the other hand, the steamer Fresleven commanded left also in a bad panic, in charge of the engineer, I believe. Afterwards nobody seemed to trouble much about Fresleven's remains, till I got out and stepped into his shoes. I couldn't let it rest, though; but when an opportunity offered at last to meet my predecessor, the grass growing through his ribs was tall enough to hide his bones. They were all there. The supernatural being had not been touched after he fell. And the village was deserted, the huts gaped black, rotting, all askew within the fallen enclosures. A calamity had come to it, sure enough. The people had vanished. Mad terror had scattered them, men, women, and children, through the bush, and they had never returned. What became of the hens I don't know either. I should think the cause of progress got them, anyhow. However, through this glorious affair I got my appointment, before I had fairly begun to hope for it.
I got my appointment—of course; and I got it really fast. It seems the Company had heard that one of their captains was killed in a fight with the locals. This was my chance, and it made me even more eager to go. It was only months later when I tried to recover what was left of the body that I found out the original argument started over a misunderstanding about some hens. Yeah, two black hens. Fresleven—that was the guy's name, a Dane—thought he had been cheated somehow in the deal, so he went ashore and started hitting the village chief with a stick. Oh, it didn't surprise me at all to hear this, and at the same time to be told that Fresleven was the gentlest, quietest guy ever. No doubt he was; but he had already been out there for a couple of years in the noble cause, you know, and he probably felt the need to assert his self-respect somehow. So, he mercilessly whacked the old man while a large crowd of his people watched him, stunned, until someone—I was told it was the chief's son—in desperation at hearing the old guy yell, made a half-hearted jab with a spear at the white man—and of course it went right between the shoulder blades. Then the whole population ran into the forest, expecting all kinds of disasters to follow, while, on the other hand, the steamer that Fresleven commanded also took off in a panic, with the engineer in charge, I believe. After that, nobody seemed to care much about Fresleven's remains until I showed up and took his place. I couldn’t just let it go, though; but when I finally had the chance to meet my predecessor, the grass growing through his ribs was tall enough to hide his bones. They were all there. The supernatural being hadn’t been touched since he fell. And the village was deserted, the huts stood black, rotting, all askew within the fallen enclosures. A disaster had definitely come to it. The people had vanished. Wild fear had scattered them—all the men, women, and children—through the bush, and they had never come back. I don’t know what happened to the hens either. I guess the cause of progress got them, anyway. Regardless, through this glorious event, I got my appointment before I even started to hope for it.
"I flew around like mad to get ready, and before forty-eight hours I was crossing the Channel to show myself to my employers, and sign the contract. In a very few hours I arrived in a city that always makes me think of a whited sepulcher. Prejudice no doubt. I had no difficulty in finding the Company's offices. It was the biggest thing in the town, and everybody I met was full of it. They were going to run an over-sea empire, and make no end of coin by trade.
"I rushed around like crazy to get ready, and within forty-eight hours I was crossing the Channel to introduce myself to my employers and sign the contract. A few hours later, I arrived in a city that always reminds me of a whitewashed tomb. Probably just my bias. I had no trouble locating the Company's offices. It was the largest building in town, and everyone I encountered was buzzing about it. They were planning to run an overseas empire and make a fortune through trade."
"A narrow and deserted street in deep shadow, high houses, innumerable windows with venetian blinds, a dead silence, grass sprouting between the stones, imposing carriage archways right and left, immense double doors standing ponderously ajar. I slipped through one of these cracks, went up a swept and ungarnished staircase, as arid as a desert, and opened the first door I came to. Two women, one fat and the other slim, sat on straw-bottomed chairs, knitting black wool. The slim one got up and walked straight at me—still knitting with downcast eyes—and only just as I began to think of getting out of her way, as you would for a somnambulist, stood still, and looked up. Her dress was as plain as an umbrella-cover, and she turned round without a word and preceded me into a waiting-room. I gave my name, and looked about. Deal table in the middle, plain chairs all round the walls, on one end a large shining map, marked with all the colors of a rainbow. There was a vast amount of red—good to see at any time, because one knows that some real work is done in there, a deuce of a lot of blue, a little green, smears of orange, and, on the East Coast, a purple patch, to show where the jolly pioneers of progress drink the jolly lager-beer. However, I wasn't going into any of these. I was going into the yellow. Dead in the center. And the river was there—fascinating—deadly—like a snake. Ough! A door opened, a white-haired secretarial head, but wearing a compassionate expression, appeared, and a skinny forefinger beckoned me into the sanctuary. Its light was dim, and a heavy writing-desk squatted in the middle. From behind that structure came out an impression of pale plumpness in a frock-coat. The great man himself. He was five feet six, I should judge, and had his grip on the handle-end of ever so many millions. He shook hands, I fancy, murmured vaguely, was satisfied with my French. Bon voyage.
A narrow, empty street in deep shadow, tall buildings, countless windows with blinds, complete silence, grass growing between the stones, imposing carriage archways on both sides, huge double doors creaking open. I slipped through one of these gaps, climbed a bare and swept staircase, as dry as a desert, and opened the first door I found. Two women, one heavyset and the other slender, sat on straw-bottomed chairs, knitting with black yarn. The slim one got up and walked directly toward me—still knitting with her eyes down—and just as I thought about stepping aside for her, like you would for someone sleepwalking, she stopped and looked up. Her dress was as plain as a rain cover, and without a word, she turned around and led me into a waiting room. I gave my name and glanced around. There was a wooden table in the middle, simple chairs lining the walls, and at one end, a large, shiny map marked in all the colors of the rainbow. There was a lot of red—nice to see at any time because it means real work is happening there, a hefty amount of blue, a little green, splashes of orange, and on the East Coast, a purple patch, marking where the ambitious pioneers of progress enjoy their refreshing beers. But I wasn’t heading into any of those colors. I was going into the yellow. Right in the center. And the river was there—captivating—deadly—like a snake. Ugh! A door opened, and a white-haired secretary appeared, looking compassionate, and a skinny finger gestured for me to enter the office. The light was dim, and a heavy writing desk was in the center. Behind it emerged a look of soft roundness in a frock coat. The great man himself. He was about five feet six, I’d guess, and had control over countless millions. He shook my hand, I think, murmured vaguely, seemed pleased with my French. Bon voyage.
"In about forty-five seconds I found myself again in the waiting-room with the compassionate secretary, who, full of desolation and sympathy, made me sign some document. I believe I undertook amongst other things not to disclose any trade secrets. Well, I am not going to.
"In about forty-five seconds, I found myself back in the waiting room with the caring secretary, who, full of sorrow and understanding, had me sign some document. I think I agreed to not reveal any trade secrets, and I won't."
"I began to feel slightly uneasy. You know I am not used to such ceremonies, and there was something ominous in the atmosphere. It was just as though I had been let into some conspiracy—I don't know—something not quite right; and I was glad to get out. In the outer room the two women knitted black wool feverishly. People were arriving, and the younger one was walking back and forth introducing them. The old one sat on her chair. Her flat cloth slippers were propped up on a foot-warmer, and a cat reposed on her lap. She wore a starched white affair on her head, had a wart on one cheek, and silver-rimmed spectacles hung on the tip of her nose. She glanced at me above the glasses. The swift and indifferent placidity of that look troubled me. Two youths with foolish and cheery countenances were being piloted over, and she threw at them the same quick glance of unconcerned wisdom. She seemed to know all about them and about me too. An eerie feeling came over me. She seemed uncanny and fateful. Often far away there I thought of these two, guarding the door of Darkness, knitting black wool as for a warm pall, one introducing, introducing continuously to the unknown, the other scrutinizing the cheery and foolish faces with unconcerned old eyes. Ave! Old knitter of black wool. Morituri te salutant. Not many of those she looked at ever saw her again—not half, by a long way.
I started to feel a bit uneasy. You know I’m not used to events like this, and there was something unsettling in the atmosphere. It felt like I had been caught up in some kind of conspiracy—I don’t know—something just felt off; and I was relieved to get out. In the outer room, the two women were feverishly knitting black wool. People were arriving, and the younger one was pacing back and forth introducing them. The older woman sat in her chair. Her flat cloth slippers rested on a foot warmer, and a cat lay on her lap. She had a starched white thing on her head, a wart on one cheek, and silver-rimmed glasses perched on the tip of her nose. She glanced at me over the glasses. The quick and indifferent calmness of that look disturbed me. Two young men with silly, cheerful faces were being shown over, and she gave them the same swift look of disinterested wisdom. She seemed to know everything about them and about me too. An eerie feeling washed over me. She seemed strange and foreboding. Often, on the far side of my mind, I thought of these two, guarding the entrance to Darkness, knitting black wool as if preparing a warm shroud, one continuously introducing the unknown, while the other examined the cheerful yet foolish faces with her detached old eyes. Ave! Old knitter of black wool. Morituri te salutant. Not many of those she looked at ever saw her again—not even half of them, by far.
"There was yet a visit to the doctor. 'A simple formality,' assured me the secretary, with an air of taking an immense part in all my sorrows. Accordingly a young chap wearing his hat over the left eyebrow, some clerk I suppose,—there must have been clerks in the business, though the house was as still as a house in a city of the dead,—came from somewhere up-stairs, and led me forth. He was shabby and careless, with ink-stains on the sleeves of his jacket, and his cravat was large and billowy, under a chin shaped like the toe of an old boot. It was a little too early for the doctor, so I proposed a drink, and thereupon he developed a vein of joviality. As we sat over our vermouths he glorified the Company's business, and by-and-by I expressed casually my surprise at him not going out there. He became very cool and collected all at once. 'I am not such a fool as I look, quoth Plato to his disciples,' he said sententiously, emptied his glass with great resolution, and we rose.
There was still a visit to the doctor. "Just a formality," the secretary assured me, acting like she was deeply invested in all my troubles. Then a young guy with his hat tilted over one eyebrow—probably some clerk, since the place was quieter than a graveyard—came down from somewhere upstairs and took me out. He looked shabby and careless, his jacket had ink stains on the sleeves, and his cravat was big and billowy, hanging off a chin that resembled an old boot's toe. It was a little early for the doctor, so I suggested getting a drink, and he suddenly became quite cheerful. As we enjoyed our vermouths, he praised the Company’s business, and eventually, I casually asked why he wasn’t going out there. He suddenly turned very cool and composed. "I'm not as dumb as I look, quoth Plato to his disciples," he said with seriousness, downed his drink confidently, and we stood up.
"The old doctor felt my pulse, evidently thinking of something else the while. 'Good, good for there,' he mumbled, and then with a certain eagerness asked me whether I would let him measure my head. Rather surprised, I said Yes, when he produced a thing like calipers and got the dimensions back and front and every way, taking notes carefully. He was an unshaven little man in a threadbare coat like a gaberdine, with his feet in slippers, and I thought him a harmless fool. 'I always ask leave, in the interests of science, to measure the crania of those going out there,' he said. 'And when they come back, too?' I asked. 'Oh, I never see them,' he remarked; 'and, moreover, the changes take place inside, you know.' He smiled, as if at some quiet joke. 'So you are going out there. Famous. Interesting too.' He gave me a searching glance, and made another note. 'Ever any madness in your family?' he asked, in a matter-of-fact tone. I felt very annoyed. 'Is that question in the interests of science too?' 'It would be,' he said, without taking notice of my irritation, 'interesting for science to watch the mental changes of individuals, on the spot, but . . .' 'Are you an alienist?' I interrupted. 'Every doctor should be—a little,' answered that original, imperturbably. 'I have a little theory which you Messieurs who go out there must help me to prove. This is my share in the advantages my country shall reap from the possession of such a magnificent dependency. The mere wealth I leave to others. Pardon my questions, but you are the first Englishman coming under my observation. . . .' I hastened to assure him I was not in the least typical. 'If I were,' said I, 'I wouldn't be talking like this with you.' 'What you say is rather profound, and probably erroneous,' he said, with a laugh. 'Avoid irritation more than exposure to the sun. Adieu. How do you English say, eh? Good-by. Ah! Good-by. Adieu. In the tropics one must before everything keep calm.' . . . He lifted a warning forefinger. . . . 'Du calme, du calme. Adieu.'
The old doctor checked my pulse, clearly lost in thought. "Good, good there," he mumbled, then, with a bit of excitement, asked if I’d let him measure my head. Surprised, I said yes, and he pulled out a tool that looked like calipers, taking measurements from all angles and jotting down notes. He was a scruffy little guy in a worn-out coat, wearing slippers, and I figured he was just a harmless eccentric. "I always ask permission, in the name of science, to measure the skulls of those going out there," he said. "And when they come back, too?" I asked. "Oh, I never see them," he replied; "besides, the changes happen on the inside, you know." He smiled, as if he had a private joke. "So you’re going out there. Great. Quite interesting too." He gave me an intense look and made another note. "Any history of madness in your family?" he asked, sounding very straightforward. I was quite annoyed. "Is that question also for the sake of science?" "It would be," he said, ignoring my irritation, "it would be interesting for science to observe the mental changes of individuals on-site, but..." "Are you a psychiatrist?" I interrupted. "Every doctor should be—a little," he replied coolly. "I have a little theory that you gentlemen going out there must help me prove. This is my part in the benefits my country will gain from having such a magnificent territory. I’ll leave the wealth to others. Sorry for the questions, but you’re the first Englishman I’ve observed..." I quickly assured him I wasn’t typical at all. "If I were," I said, "I wouldn’t be talking like this with you." "What you say is pretty deep, and probably incorrect," he said with a laugh. "Avoid irritation more than exposure to the sun. Farewell. How do you English say it? Good-bye. Ah! Good-bye. Farewell. In the tropics, one must above all keep calm." He raised a warning finger. "Calm, calm. Farewell."
"One thing more remained to do—say good-by to my excellent aunt. I found her triumphant. I had a cup of tea—the last decent cup of tea for many days—and in a room that most soothingly looked just as you would expect a lady's drawing-room to look, we had a long quiet chat by the fireside. In the course of these confidences it became quite plain to me I had been represented to the wife of the high dignitary, and goodness knows to how many more people besides, as an exceptional and gifted creature—a piece of good fortune for the Company—a man you don't get hold of every day. Good heavens! and I was going to take charge of a two-penny-halfpenny river-steamboat with a penny whistle attached! It appeared, however, I was also one of the Workers, with a capital—you know. Something like an emissary of light, something like a lower sort of apostle. There had been a lot of such rot let loose in print and talk just about that time, and the excellent woman, living right in the rush of all that humbug, got carried off her feet. She talked about 'weaning those ignorant millions from their horrid ways,' till, upon my word, she made me quite uncomfortable. I ventured to hint that the Company was run for profit.
One more thing was left to do—say goodbye to my wonderful aunt. I found her feeling triumphant. I had a cup of tea—the last decent cup I’d have for many days—and in a room that looked exactly like you’d expect a lady’s drawing-room to look, we had a long, quiet chat by the fireside. During our conversation, it became clear to me that I had been introduced to the wife of a high-ranking official, and goodness knows how many others, as an exceptional and talented individual—a real asset for the Company—a guy you don’t come across every day. Good grief! And I was going to be in charge of a tiny river steamboat with a little whistle attached! It seemed, however, that I was also one of the Workers, with a capital—you know. Something like a messenger of light, or a lower kind of apostle. There had been a lot of that nonsense circulating in print and conversation around that time, and this lovely woman, caught up in all that hype, got carried away. She talked about 'teaching those ignorant millions to give up their horrible ways' until I honestly started to feel uncomfortable. I tried to suggest that the Company was in it for profit.
"'You forget, dear Charlie, that the laborer is worthy of his hire,' she said, brightly. It's queer how out of touch with truth women are. They live in a world of their own, and there had never been anything like it, and never can be. It is too beautiful altogether, and if they were to set it up it would go to pieces before the first sunset. Some confounded fact we men have been living contentedly with ever since the day of creation would start up and knock the whole thing over.
"You forget, dear Charlie, that the worker deserves to be paid fairly," she said, cheerfully. It's strange how disconnected from reality women are. They exist in a world of their own, which has never been anything like it and never will be. It's just too beautiful, and if they tried to create it, it would all fall apart by the first sunset. Some annoying truth that we've men been accepting since the beginning of time would come along and topple the whole thing.
"After this I got embraced, told to wear flannel, be sure to write often, and so on—and I left. In the street—I don't know why—a queer feeling came to me that I was an impostor. Odd thing that I, who used to clear out for any part of the world at twenty-four hours' notice, with less thought than most men give to the crossing of a street, had a moment—I won't say of hesitation, but of startled pause, before this commonplace affair. The best way I can explain it to you is by saying that, for a second or two, I felt as though, instead of going to the center of a continent, I were about to set off for the center of the earth.
"After this, I got a hug, told to wear flannel, and reminded to write often, and then I left. On the street—I don’t know why—I suddenly felt like a fraud. It’s strange that I, who used to be ready to leave for anywhere in the world on just a moment's notice, with less thought than most people give to crossing a street, experienced a moment—I won’t say hesitation, but a startled pause—before this ordinary situation. The best way I can describe it is to say that, for a second or two, I felt as if I were about to head not to the center of a continent, but to the center of the earth."
"I left in a French steamer, and she called in every blamed port they have out there, for, as far as I could see, the sole purpose of landing soldiers and custom-house officers. I watched the coast. Watching a coast as it slips by the ship is like thinking about an enigma. There it is before you—smiling, frowning, inviting, grand, mean, insipid, or savage, and always mute with an air of whispering, 'Come and find out.' This one was almost featureless, as if still in the making, with an aspect of monotonous grimness. The edge of a colossal jungle, so dark-green as to be almost black, fringed with white surf, ran straight, like a ruled line, far, far away along a blue sea whose glitter was blurred by a creeping mist. The sun was fierce, the land seemed to glisten and drip with steam. Here and there grayish-whitish specks showed up, clustered inside the white surf, with a flag flying above them perhaps. Settlements some centuries old, and still no bigger than pin-heads on the untouched expanse of their background. We pounded along, stopped, landed soldiers; went on, landed custom-house clerks to levy toll in what looked like a God-forsaken wilderness, with a tin shed and a flag-pole lost in it; landed more soldiers—to take care of the custom-house clerks, presumably. Some, I heard, got drowned in the surf; but whether they did or not, nobody seemed particularly to care. They were just flung out there, and on we went. Every day the coast looked the same, as though we had not moved; but we passed various places—trading places—with names like Gran' Bassam Little Popo, names that seemed to belong to some sordid farce acted in front of a sinister backcloth. The idleness of a passenger, my isolation amongst all these men with whom I had no point of contact, the oily and languid sea, the uniform somberness of the coast, seemed to keep me away from the truth of things, within the toil of a mournful and senseless delusion. The voice of the surf heard now and then was a positive pleasure, like the speech of a brother. It was something natural, that had its reason, that had a meaning. Now and then a boat from the shore gave one a momentary contact with reality. It was paddled by black fellows. You could see from afar the white of their eyeballs glistening. They shouted, sang; their bodies streamed with perspiration; they had faces like grotesque masks—these chaps; but they had bone, muscle, a wild vitality, an intense energy of movement, that was as natural and true as the surf along their coast. They wanted no excuse for being there. They were a great comfort to look at. For a time I would feel I belonged still to a world of straightforward facts; but the feeling would not last long. Something would turn up to scare it away. Once, I remember, we came upon a man-of-war anchored off the coast. There wasn't even a shed there, and she was shelling the bush. It appears the French had one of their wars going on thereabouts. Her ensign dropped limp like a rag; the muzzles of the long eight-inch guns stuck out all over the low hull; the greasy, slimy swell swung her up lazily and let her down, swaying her thin masts. In the empty immensity of earth, sky, and water, there she was, incomprehensible, firing into a continent. Pop, would go one of the eight-inch guns; a small flame would dart and vanish, a little white smoke would disappear, a tiny projectile would give a feeble screech—and nothing happened. Nothing could happen. There was a touch of insanity in the proceeding, a sense of lugubrious drollery in the sight; and it was not dissipated by somebody on board assuring me earnestly there was a camp of natives—he called them enemies!—hidden out of sight somewhere.
"I left on a French steamer, and it stopped at every port out there, seemingly just to drop off soldiers and customs agents. I watched the coast. Watching a coast slip by the ship feels like trying to solve a mystery. It presents itself before you—smiling, frowning, inviting, grand, mean, bland, or wild, and always silent, whispering, 'Come and find out.' This coast was nearly featureless, as if it was still being formed, with a look of dull gloom. The edge of a massive jungle, so dark green it was almost black, framed by foamy white surf, stretched straight along a blue sea, its sparkle blurred by a creeping mist. The sun was intense, the land seemed to shimmer and sweat. Here and there, pale specks appeared, huddled within the white surf, possibly with a flag waving above them. Settlements that had been there for centuries, yet still so tiny against the untouched backdrop. We moved along, stopped to drop off soldiers; continued on, landed customs clerks to collect duties in what looked like a desolate wilderness, with a tin shed and a flagpole lost in it; dropped off more soldiers—to presumably look after the customs clerks. Some, I heard, drowned in the surf; but whether they did or not, no one seemed to really care. They were just tossed out there, and off we went. Every day the coast looked the same, as if we hadn’t moved; yet we passed various places—trading posts—with names like Gran' Bassam and Little Popo, names that felt like they belonged to a dreary farce against a grim backdrop. The boredom of being a passenger, my isolation among all these men I couldn't connect with, the oily and sluggish sea, the constant dullness of the coast, seemed to keep me distant from the truth of the situation, caught in a sad and senseless illusion. The sound of the surf every now and then was a genuine pleasure, like a brother’s voice. It was something real, that made sense, that had meaning. Occasionally, a boat from the shore provided a brief connection to reality. It was paddled by black men. From a distance, you could see the whites of their eyes gleaming. They shouted, sang; their bodies were covered in sweat; their faces looked like strange masks—but they had strength, energy, and a wild vitality that was as genuine and true as the surf along their coast. They didn’t need any reason to be there. They were comforting to watch. For a moment, I would feel like I still belonged to a world of clear facts; but that feeling never lasted long. Something would happen to chase it away. Once, I remember, we spotted a warship anchored off the coast. There wasn’t even a shed there, and it was shelling the jungle. Apparently, the French had a war going on nearby. Its flag hung limp like a rag; the muzzles of its long eight-inch guns jutted out all over the low hull; the oily swell rocked it lazily up and down, swaying its skinny masts. In the vast emptiness of earth, sky, and water, there it sat, unfathomable, firing into a continent. Pop! went one of the eight-inch guns; a small flame shot out and disappeared, a little white smoke vanished, a tiny projectile let out a weak screech—and nothing happened. Nothing could happen. There was a hint of madness in what was happening, a sense of dark absurdity in the sight; and it wasn’t relieved by someone on board earnestly telling me there was a camp of natives—he called them enemies!—hidden out of sight somewhere."
"We gave her her letters (I heard the men in that lonely ship were dying of fever at the rate of three a day) and went on. We called at some more places with farcical names, where the merry dance of death and trade goes on in a still and earthy atmosphere as of an overheated catacomb; all along the formless coast bordered by dangerous surf, as if Nature herself had tried to ward off intruders; in and out of rivers, streams of death in life, whose banks were rotting into mud, whose waters, thickened into slime, invaded the contorted mangroves, that seemed to writhe at us in the extremity of an impotent despair. Nowhere did we stop long enough to get a particularized impression, but the general sense of vague and oppressive wonder grew upon me. It was like a weary pilgrimage amongst hints for nightmares.
"We delivered her letters (I heard the men on that lonely ship were dying from fever at a rate of three a day) and moved on. We stopped at a few more places with ridiculous names, where the grim dance of death and commerce continues in a still, earthy atmosphere like an overheated catacomb; all along the shapeless coast lined with dangerous waves, as if Nature herself was trying to keep intruders away; in and out of rivers, streams of death in life, whose banks were crumbling into mud, whose waters, thickened into sludge, invaded the twisted mangroves that seemed to writhe at us in a fit of helpless despair. We never stayed long enough to get a detailed impression, but the general feeling of vague and overwhelming wonder grew on me. It felt like a tiring pilgrimage filled with hints of nightmares."
"It was upward of thirty days before I saw the mouth of the big river. We anchored off the seat of the government. But my work would not begin till some two hundred miles farther on. So as soon as I could I made a start for a place thirty miles higher up.
"It was over thirty days before I saw the mouth of the big river. We anchored near the government seat. But my work wouldn’t start until about two hundred miles further on. So as soon as I could, I headed toward a place thirty miles upstream."
"I had my passage on a little sea-going steamer. Her captain was a Swede, and knowing me for a seaman, invited me on the bridge. He was a young man, lean, fair, and morose, with lanky hair and a shuffling gait. As we left the miserable little wharf, he tossed his head contemptuously at the shore. 'Been living there?' he asked. I said, 'Yes.' 'Fine lot these government chaps—are they not?' he went on, speaking English with great precision and considerable bitterness. 'It is funny what some people will do for a few francs a month. I wonder what becomes of that kind when it goes up country?' I said to him I expected to see that soon. 'So-o-o!' he exclaimed. He shuffled athwart, keeping one eye ahead vigilantly. 'Don't be too sure,' he continued. 'The other day I took up a man who hanged himself on the road. He was a Swede, too.' 'Hanged himself! Why, in God's name?' I cried. He kept on looking out watchfully. 'Who knows? The sun too much for him, or the country perhaps.'
"I had my ticket for a small sea-going steamer. The captain was a Swede, and since he knew I was a sailor, he invited me onto the bridge. He was a young guy, thin, light-haired, and gloomy, with long hair and a shuffling walk. As we left the shabby little dock, he tossed his head dismissively at the shore. 'Been living there?' he asked. I said, 'Yes.' 'A great bunch those government guys—aren't they?' he continued, speaking English very precisely and with a lot of bitterness. 'It's funny what some people will do for a few francs a month. I wonder what happens to them when they go upcountry?' I told him I expected to see that soon. 'Oh really!' he exclaimed. He shuffled across, keeping one eye focused ahead. 'Don't be too sure,' he said. 'The other day, I picked up a guy who hanged himself on the road. He was a Swede, too.' 'Hanged himself! Why on earth?' I shouted. He kept looking out watchfully. 'Who knows? Maybe the sun was too much for him, or the country, perhaps.'"
"At last we opened a reach. A rocky cliff appeared, mounds of turned-up earth by the shore, houses on a hill, others, with iron roofs, amongst a waste of excavations, or hanging to the declivity. A continuous noise of the rapids above hovered over this scene of inhabited devastation. A lot of people, mostly black and naked, moved about like ants. A jetty projected into the river. A blinding sunlight drowned all this at times in a sudden recrudescence of glare. 'There's your Company's station,' said the Swede, pointing to three wooden barrack-like structures on the rocky slope. 'I will send your things up. Four boxes did you say? So. Farewell.'
"Finally, we opened up to a new area. A rocky cliff came into view, with piles of turned-up earth by the shore, houses on a hill, and others with metal roofs scattered among a wasteland of excavations or clinging to the slope. A constant noise from the rapids above filled the air over this scene of human destruction. A lot of people, mostly Black and naked, moved around like ants. A jetty stuck out into the river. At times, blinding sunlight flooded everything with a sudden burst of brightness. 'There’s your Company’s station,' the Swede said, pointing to three wooden barrack-like buildings on the rocky slope. 'I’ll send your stuff up. Four boxes, you said? Okay. Goodbye.'"
"I came upon a boiler wallowing in the grass, then found a path leading up the hill. It turned aside for the bowlders, and also for an undersized railway-truck lying there on its back with its wheels in the air. One was off. The thing looked as dead as the carcass of some animal. I came upon more pieces of decaying machinery, a stack of rusty rails. To the left a clump of trees made a shady spot, where dark things seemed to stir feebly. I blinked, the path was steep. A horn tooted to the right, and I saw the black people run. A heavy and dull detonation shook the ground, a puff of smoke came out of the cliff, and that was all. No change appeared on the face of the rock. They were building a railway. The cliff was not in the way or anything; but this objectless blasting was all the work going on.
I stumbled upon a boiler half-buried in the grass, then found a path leading up the hill. It curved around some boulders and also around a small railway truck lying upside down with its wheels in the air. One wheel was missing. It looked as lifeless as the remains of some animal. I came across more pieces of rotting machinery and a pile of rusty rails. To the left, a cluster of trees created a shady spot, where dark shapes seemed to move faintly. I blinked; the path was steep. A horn honked to my right, and I saw people running. A loud explosion shook the ground, and a puff of smoke emerged from the cliff, and that was it. The rock showed no signs of change. They were building a railway. The cliff wasn’t obstructing anything, but this pointless blasting was the only work happening.
"A slight clinking behind me made me turn my head. Six black men advanced in a file, toiling up the path. They walked erect and slow, balancing small baskets full of earth on their heads, and the clink kept time with their footsteps. Black rags were wound round their loins, and the short ends behind wagged to and fro like tails. I could see every rib, the joints of their limbs were like knots in a rope; each had an iron collar on his neck, and all were connected together with a chain whose bights swung between them, rhythmically clinking. Another report from the cliff made me think suddenly of that ship of war I had seen firing into a continent. It was the same kind of ominous voice; but these men could by no stretch of imagination be called enemies. They were called criminals, and the outraged law, like the bursting shells, had come to them, an insoluble mystery from over the sea. All their meager breasts panted together, the violently dilated nostrils quivered, the eyes stared stonily uphill. They passed me within six inches, without a glance, with that complete, deathlike indifference of unhappy savages. Behind this raw matter one of the reclaimed, the product of the new forces at work, strolled despondently, carrying a rifle by its middle. He had a uniform jacket with one button off, and seeing a white man on the path, hoisted his weapon to his shoulder with alacrity. This was simple prudence, white men being so much alike at a distance that he could not tell who I might be. He was speedily reassured, and with a large, white, rascally grin, and a glance at his charge, seemed to take me into partnership in his exalted trust. After all, I also was a part of the great cause of these high and just proceedings.
A faint clinking sound behind me made me turn my head. Six black men walked in a line, making their way up the path. They stood tall and moved slowly, balancing small baskets filled with dirt on their heads, and the clinking matched their footsteps. Black rags were wrapped around their waist, and the short bits hanging behind swayed back and forth like tails. I could see every rib; the joints of their limbs looked like knots in a rope. Each of them wore an iron collar around their necks, all linked together by a chain that swung between them, clinking rhythmically. Another sound from the cliff suddenly reminded me of that warship I had seen firing at a continent. It had the same kind of ominous tone, but these men could not be called enemies by any stretch of the imagination. They were labeled as criminals, and the outraged law, like the bursting shells, had come to them as an unsolvable mystery from across the sea. Their meager chests heaved together, their flared nostrils quivered, and their eyes stared stiffly uphill. They passed by me within inches, without a glance, exhibiting that complete, deathlike indifference of unhappy savages. Behind these raw figures, one of the rehabilitated, a product of the new forces at work, strolled along, carrying a rifle by its middle. He wore a uniform jacket with one button missing, and upon seeing a white man on the path, lifted his weapon to his shoulder with eagerness. This was just sensible, since white men looked so similar from a distance that he couldn't tell who I might be. He quickly relaxed, and with a big, white, mischievous grin, and a look at his charge, seemed to welcome me into his elevated trust. After all, I was also part of the great cause of these noble and just actions.
"Instead of going up, I turned and descended to the left. My idea was to let that chain-gang get out of sight before I climbed the hill. You know I am not particularly tender; I've had to strike and to fend off. I've had to resist and to attack sometimes—that's only one way of resisting—without counting the exact cost, according to the demands of such sort of life as I had blundered into. I've seen the devil of violence, and the devil of greed, and the devil of hot desire; but, by all the stars! these were strong, lusty, red-eyed devils, that swayed and drove men—men, I tell you. But as I stood on this hillside, I foresaw that in the blinding sunshine of that land I would become acquainted with a flabby, pretending, weak-eyed devil of a rapacious and pitiless folly. How insidious he could be, too, I was only to find out several months later and a thousand miles farther. For a moment I stood appalled, as though by a warning. Finally I descended the hill, obliquely, towards the trees I had seen.
"Instead of going up, I turned and went down to the left. I wanted to get that chain gang out of sight before I climbed the hill. You know I'm not particularly soft; I've had to fight and defend myself. I've had to push back and attack sometimes—that's just one way of fighting back—without worrying too much about the cost, depending on the demands of the life I had stumbled into. I've seen the demons of violence, of greed, and of intense desire; but, by all the stars! these were strong, lusty, red-eyed demons that influenced and drove men—men, I tell you. But as I stood on this hillside, I realized that in the blinding sunshine of that land I would meet a flabby, pretending, weak-eyed demon of greedy and merciless foolishness. How insidious he could be, too, I wouldn't discover until several months later and a thousand miles away. For a moment I stood there stunned, as though I had received a warning. Finally, I walked down the hill at an angle toward the trees I had seen."
"I avoided a vast artificial hole somebody had been digging on the slope, the purpose of which I found it impossible to divine. It wasn't a quarry or a sandpit, anyhow. It was just a hole. It might have been connected with the philanthropic desire of giving the criminals something to do. I don't know. Then I nearly fell into a very narrow ravine, almost no more than a scar in the hillside. I discovered that a lot of imported drainage-pipes for the settlement had been tumbled in there. There wasn't one that was not broken. It was a wanton smash-up. At last I got under the trees. My purpose was to stroll into the shade for a moment; but no sooner within than it seemed to me I had stepped into a gloomy circle of some Inferno. The rapids were near, and an uninterrupted, uniform, headlong, rushing noise filled the mournful stillness of the grove, where not a breath stirred, not a leaf moved, with a mysterious sound—as though the tearing pace of the launched earth had suddenly become audible.
I avoided a huge artificial hole someone had been digging on the slope, and I couldn’t figure out what it was for. It definitely wasn’t a quarry or a sandpit; it was just a hole. It might’ve been related to some charitable effort to give the criminals something to do. I don’t know. Then I almost fell into a very narrow ravine that was barely more than a scar in the hillside. I found out that a bunch of imported drainage pipes meant for the settlement had been tossed in there. Not one of them was intact. It was a complete wreck. Finally, I made it under the trees. I intended to take a moment to relax in the shade, but as soon as I stepped inside, it felt like I had walked into a dark circle of some sort of hell. The rapids were close by, and a constant, unbroken, rushing noise filled the sad stillness of the grove, where not a breath was stirring and not a leaf moved, creating a strange sound—as if the frantic pace of the earth itself had suddenly become audible.
"Black shapes crouched, lay, sat between the trees, leaning against the trunks, clinging to the earth, half coming out, half effaced within the dim light, in all the attitudes of pain, abandonment, and despair. Another mine on the cliff went off, followed by a slight shudder of the soil under my feet. The work was going on. The work! And this was the place where some of the helpers had withdrawn to die.
"Dark figures were crouching, lying, or sitting between the trees, leaning against the trunks, clinging to the ground, half emerging and half hidden in the dim light, showing all the signs of pain, abandonment, and despair. Another mine on the cliff exploded, causing a slight tremor in the ground beneath my feet. The work continued. The work! And this was where some of the helpers had retreated to die."
"They were dying slowly—it was very clear. They were not enemies, they were not criminals, they were nothing earthly now,—nothing but black shadows of disease and starvation, lying confusedly in the greenish gloom. Brought from all the recesses of the coast in all the legality of time contracts, lost in uncongenial surroundings, fed on unfamiliar food, they sickened, became inefficient, and were then allowed to crawl away and rest. These moribund shapes were free as air—and nearly as thin. I began to distinguish the gleam of eyes under the trees. Then, glancing down, I saw a face near my hand. The black bones reclined at full length with one shoulder against the tree, and slowly the eyelids rose and the sunken eyes looked up at me, enormous and vacant, a kind of blind, white flicker in the depths of the orbs, which died out slowly. The man seemed young—almost a boy—but you know with them it's hard to tell. I found nothing else to do but to offer him one of my good Swede's ship's biscuits I had in my pocket. The fingers closed slowly on it and held—there was no other movement and no other glance. He had tied a bit of white worsted round his neck—Why? Where did he get it? Was it a badge—an ornament—a charm—a propitiatory act? Was there any idea at all connected with it? It looked startling round his black neck, this bit of white thread from beyond the seas.
They were dying slowly—it was very clear. They weren't enemies; they weren't criminals; they were nothing human anymore—just black shadows of disease and starvation, lying helplessly in the greenish gloom. Brought in from all over the coast under legal contracts, lost in unfamiliar surroundings, fed on strange food, they got sick, became ineffective, and were then allowed to crawl away and rest. These dying figures were free as air—and almost as thin. I started to notice gleams of eyes under the trees. Then, looking down, I saw a face near my hand. The blackened bones lay stretched out with one shoulder against the tree, and slowly the eyelids lifted and the hollow eyes looked up at me, enormous and vacant, a kind of blind, white flicker in the depths of those orbs, which faded away slowly. The man seemed young—almost a boy—but it’s hard to tell with them. I found nothing else to do but offer him one of my good Swedish ship's biscuits I had in my pocket. His fingers slowly closed around it and held on—there was no other movement and no other glance. He had tied a piece of white thread around his neck—why? Where did he get it? Was it a badge, an ornament, a charm, or some kind of offering? Was there any meaning behind it at all? That little bit of white thread from across the seas looked striking against his black neck.
"Near the same tree two more bundles of acute angles sat with their legs drawn up. One, with his chin propped on his knees, stared at nothing, in an intolerable and appalling manner: his brother phantom rested its forehead, as if overcome with a great weariness; and all about others were scattered in every pose of contorted collapse, as in some picture of a massacre or a pestilence. While I stood horror-struck, one of these creatures rose to his hands and knees, and went off on all-fours towards the river to drink. He lapped out of his hand, then sat up in the sunlight, crossing his shins in front of him, and after a time let his woolly head fall on his breastbone.
"Near the same tree, two more bundles of sharp angles sat with their legs pulled up. One, with his chin resting on his knees, stared blankly into space in a really unsettling way; his brother rested his forehead, as if completely exhausted. All around them, others were scattered in various poses of twisted collapse, like some scene from a massacre or a plague. As I stood there in shock, one of these figures got up on his hands and knees and crawled toward the river to drink. He lapped water from his hand, then sat up in the sunlight, crossing his legs in front of him, and after a while, let his woolly head drop onto his chest."
"I didn't want any more loitering in the shade, and I made haste towards the station. When near the buildings I met a white man, in such an unexpected elegance of get-up that in the first moment I took him for a sort of vision. I saw a high starched collar, white cuffs, a light alpaca jacket, snowy trousers, a clear necktie, and varnished boots. No hat. Hair parted, brushed, oiled, under a green-lined parasol held in a big white hand. He was amazing, and had a penholder behind his ear.
I didn't want to waste any more time hanging around in the shade, so I hurried towards the station. As I got closer to the buildings, I spotted a white man, so unexpectedly well-dressed that for a moment I thought I was seeing things. He had a tall starched collar, white cuffs, a light alpaca jacket, crisp white trousers, a neat necktie, and polished boots. No hat. His hair was parted, neatly styled, and oiled, and he was holding a green-lined parasol in a large white hand. He was remarkable and had a penholder tucked behind his ear.
"I shook hands with this miracle, and I learned he was the Company's chief accountant, and that all the bookkeeping was done at this station. He had come out for a moment, he said, 'to get a breath of fresh air.' The expression sounded wonderfully odd, with its suggestion of sedentary desk-life. I wouldn't have mentioned the fellow to you at all, only it was from his lips that I first heard the name of the man who is so indissolubly connected with the memories of that time. Moreover, I respected the fellow. Yes; I respected his collars, his vast cuffs, his brushed hair. His appearance was certainly that of a hairdresser's dummy; but in the great demoralization of the land he kept up his appearance. That's backbone. His starched collars and got-up shirt-fronts were achievements of character. He had been out nearly three years; and, later on, I could not help asking him how he managed to sport such linen. He had just the faintest blush, and said modestly, 'I've been teaching one of the native women about the station. It was difficult. She had a distaste for the work.' This man had verily accomplished something. And he was devoted to his books, which were in apple-pie order.
I shook hands with this remarkable guy, and I found out he was the Company’s chief accountant, and all the bookkeeping was handled at this station. He had stepped outside for a moment, he said, “to get a breath of fresh air.” The phrase sounded really strange, hinting at a life stuck behind a desk. I wouldn’t have brought him up at all, but it was from him that I first heard the name of the man who is so inextricably linked to my memories from that time. Plus, I had respect for the guy. Yes, I admired his collars, his huge cuffs, his neatly styled hair. He definitely looked like a mannequin from a hair salon; yet, amidst the widespread chaos of the country, he maintained his appearance. That takes guts. His starched collars and polished shirt fronts were signs of his character. He had been out there for nearly three years; later, I couldn’t help but ask him how he managed to keep such fresh linen. He blushed just a little and modestly replied, “I've been teaching one of the local women at the station. It was challenging. She was not keen on the work.” This man had truly achieved something. And he was dedicated to his books, which were perfectly organized.
"Everything else in the station was in a muddle,—heads, things, buildings. Strings of dusty niggers with splay feet arrived and departed; a stream of manufactured goods, rubbishy cottons, beads, and brass-wire sent into the depths of darkness, and in return came a precious trickle of ivory.
"Everything else in the station was a mess—people, items, buildings. Groups of dusty black figures with splayed feet came and went; a flow of manufactured goods, cheap cottons, beads, and brass wire disappeared into the darkness, and what came back was a valuable trickle of ivory."
"I had to wait in the station for ten days—an eternity. I lived in a hut in the yard, but to be out of the chaos I would sometimes get into the accountant's office. It was built of horizontal planks, and so badly put together that, as he bent over his high desk, he was barred from neck to heels with narrow strips of sunlight. There was no need to open the big shutter to see. It was hot there too; big flies buzzed fiendishly, and did not sting, but stabbed. I sat generally on the floor, while, of faultless appearance (and even slightly scented), perching on a high stool, he wrote, he wrote. Sometimes he stood up for exercise. When a truckle-bed with a sick man (some invalided agent from up-country) was put in there, he exhibited a gentle annoyance. 'The groans of this sick person,' he said, 'distract my attention. And without that it is extremely difficult to guard against clerical errors in this climate.'
"I had to wait in the station for ten days—an eternity. I lived in a hut in the yard, but to escape the chaos, I would sometimes go into the accountant's office. It was made of horizontal planks and so poorly constructed that, as he leaned over his high desk, he was blocked from neck to heels by narrow strips of sunlight. There was no need to open the big shutter to see. It was hot in there too; large flies buzzed frantically, and while they didn't sting, they would jab. I usually sat on the floor while, looking impeccable (and even slightly scented), he perched on a high stool and wrote, and wrote. Sometimes he stood up to stretch. When a cot with a sick man (some invalided agent from up-country) was brought in, he showed a mild irritation. 'The groans of this sick person,' he said, 'distract my attention. And without that, it's extremely difficult to avoid clerical errors in this climate.'
"One day he remarked, without lifting his head, 'In the interior you will no doubt meet Mr. Kurtz.' On my asking who Mr. Kurtz was, he said he was a first-class agent; and seeing my disappointment at this information, he added slowly, laying down his pen, 'He is a very remarkable person.' Further questions elicited from him that Mr. Kurtz was at present in charge of a trading post, a very important one, in the true ivory-country, at 'the very bottom of there. Sends in as much ivory as all the others put together. . . .' He began to write again. The sick man was too ill to groan. The flies buzzed in a great peace.
"One day he commented, without looking up, 'In the interior, you’ll definitely meet Mr. Kurtz.' When I asked who Mr. Kurtz was, he told me he was a top-notch agent; and noticing my disappointment at this information, he added slowly, putting down his pen, 'He is a very remarkable person.' Further questions revealed that Mr. Kurtz was currently managing a trading post, a very significant one, in the true ivory country, 'at the very bottom of there. He sends in as much ivory as all the others combined...' He started writing again. The sick man was too unwell to groan. The flies buzzed peacefully around."
"Suddenly there was a growing murmur of voices and a great tramping of feet. A caravan had come in. A violent babble of uncouth sounds burst out on the other side of the planks. All the carriers were speaking together, and in the midst of the uproar the lamentable voice of the chief agent was heard 'giving it up' tearfully for the twentieth time that day. . . . He rose slowly. 'What a frightful row,' he said. He crossed the room gently to look at the sick man, and returning, said to me, 'He does not hear.' 'What! Dead?' I asked, startled. 'No, not yet,' he answered, with great composure. Then, alluding with a toss of the head to the tumult in the station-yard, 'When one has got to make correct entries, one comes to hate those savages—hate them to the death.' He remained thoughtful for a moment. 'When you see Mr. Kurtz,' he went on, 'tell him from me that everything here'—he glanced at the desk—'is very satisfactory. I don't like to write to him—with those messengers of ours you never know who may get hold of your letter—at that Central Station.' He stared at me for a moment with his mild, bulging eyes. 'Oh, he will go far, very far,' he began again. 'He will be a somebody in the Administration before long. They, above—the Council in Europe, you know—mean him to be.'
Suddenly, a rising chorus of voices and heavy footsteps filled the air. A caravan had arrived. A chaotic mix of loud, crude sounds erupted on the other side of the planks. All the carriers were talking over each other, and amid the clamor, the unfortunate voice of the chief agent could be heard tearfully declaring for the twentieth time that day, 'I give up.' He slowly got up. 'What a terrible noise,' he said. He gently crossed the room to check on the sick man and returned, telling me, 'He can't hear.' 'What! Is he dead?' I asked, startled. 'No, not yet,' he replied calmly. Then, gesturing towards the chaos in the station yard, he said, 'When you have to make the right entries, you start to really dislike those savages—hate them to the core.' He paused for a moment, deep in thought. 'When you see Mr. Kurtz,' he continued, 'tell him for me that everything here'—he glanced at the desk—'is going very well. I don’t like writing to him—with our messengers, you can never tell who might read your letter—at that Central Station.' He looked at me for a moment with his gentle, bulging eyes. 'Oh, he’s going to go far, very far,' he started again. 'He’ll be someone important in the Administration soon. They, up there—the Council in Europe, you know—intend for him to be.'
"He turned to his work. The noise outside had ceased, and presently in going out I stopped at the door. In the steady buzz of flies the homeward-bound agent was lying flushed and insensible; the other, bent over his books, was making correct entries of perfectly correct transactions; and fifty feet below the doorstep I could see the still tree-tops of the grove of death.
"He focused on his work. The noise outside had quieted down, and soon, as I went out, I paused at the door. In the constant buzz of flies, the agent heading home was lying there, flushed and unresponsive; the other, bent over his books, was carefully logging perfectly accurate transactions; and fifty feet below the doorstep, I could see the still treetops of the grove of death."
"Next day I left that station at last, with a caravan of sixty men, for a two-hundred-mile tramp.
"Next day I finally left that station, joined by a group of sixty men, for a two-hundred-mile hike."
"No use telling you much about that. Paths, paths, everywhere; a stamped-in network of paths spreading over the empty land, through long grass, through burnt grass, through thickets, down and up chilly ravines, up and down stony hills ablaze with heat; and a solitude, a solitude, nobody, not a hut. The population had cleared out a long time ago. Well, if a lot of mysterious niggers armed with all kinds of fearful weapons suddenly took to traveling on the road between Deal and Gravesend, catching the yokels right and left to carry heavy loads for them, I fancy every farm and cottage thereabouts would get empty very soon. Only here the dwellings were gone too. Still I passed through several abandoned villages. There's something pathetically childish in the ruins of grass walls. Day after day, with the stamp and shuffle of sixty pair of bare feet behind me, each pair under a 60-lb. load. Camp, cook, sleep, strike camp, march. Now and then a carrier dead in harness, at rest in the long grass near the path, with an empty water-gourd and his long staff lying by his side. A great silence around and above. Perhaps on some quiet night the tremor of far-off drums, sinking, swelling, a tremor vast, faint; a sound weird, appealing, suggestive, and wild—and perhaps with as profound a meaning as the sound of bells in a Christian country. Once a white man in an unbuttoned uniform, camping on the path with an armed escort of lank Zanzibaris, very hospitable and festive—not to say drunk. Was looking after the upkeep of the road, he declared. Can't say I saw any road or any upkeep, unless the body of a middle-aged negro, with a bullet-hole in the forehead, upon which I absolutely stumbled three miles farther on, may be considered as a permanent improvement. I had a white companion too, not a bad chap, but rather too fleshy and with the exasperating habit of fainting on the hot hillsides, miles away from the least bit of shade and water. Annoying, you know, to hold your own coat like a parasol over a man's head while he is coming-to. I couldn't help asking him once what he meant by coming there at all. 'To make money, of course. What do you think?' he said, scornfully. Then he got fever, and had to be carried in a hammock slung under a pole. As he weighed sixteen stone I had no end of rows with the carriers. They jibbed, ran away, sneaked off with their loads in the night—quite a mutiny. So, one evening, I made a speech in English with gestures, not one of which was lost to the sixty pairs of eyes before me, and the next morning I started the hammock off in front all right. An hour afterwards I came upon the whole concern wrecked in a bush—man, hammock, groans, blankets, horrors. The heavy pole had skinned his poor nose. He was very anxious for me to kill somebody, but there wasn't the shadow of a carrier near. I remembered the old doctor,—'It would be interesting for science to watch the mental changes of individuals, on the spot.' I felt I was becoming scientifically interesting. However, all that is to no purpose. On the fifteenth day I came in sight of the big river again, and hobbled into the Central Station. It was on a back water surrounded by scrub and forest, with a pretty border of smelly mud on one side, and on the three others inclosed by a crazy fence of rushes. A neglected gap was all the gate it had, and the first glance at the place was enough to let you see the flabby devil was running that show. White men with long staves in their hands appeared languidly from amongst the buildings, strolling up to take a look at me, and then retired out of sight somewhere. One of them, a stout, excitable chap with black mustaches, informed me with great volubility and many digressions, as soon as I told him who I was, that my steamer was at the bottom of the river. I was thunderstruck. What, how, why? Oh, it was 'all right.' The 'manager himself' was there. All quite correct. 'Everybody had behaved splendidly! splendidly!'—'you must,' he said in agitation, 'go and see the general manager at once. He is waiting!'
"No point in going into that. Paths, paths, everywhere; a stamped network of paths spreading over the empty land, through tall grass, through burnt grass, through thickets, up and down chilly ravines, and over stony hills blazing with heat; and an emptiness, a emptiness, no one around, not even a hut. The people had left long ago. Well, if a bunch of mysterious black people armed with all sorts of scary weapons suddenly started traveling the road between Deal and Gravesend, grabbing local folks left and right to carry heavy loads for them, I bet every farm and cottage there would clear out pretty fast. But here, the homes were gone too. Still, I passed through several abandoned villages. There's something sadly innocent about the ruins of grass walls. Day after day, with the sound of sixty bare feet behind me, each pair carrying a 60-lb. load. Camp, cook, sleep, break camp, march. Occasionally a carrier would be dead in the field, resting in the long grass beside the path, with an empty water-gourd and his long staff lying beside him. A great silence around and above. Maybe on some quiet night, the distant sound of drums, rising and falling, a vast, faint tremor; a weird, evocative, wild sound—and maybe carrying a meaning as deep as church bells in a Christian country. Once a white man in an unbuttoned uniform, camping on the path with an armed group of skinny Zanzibaris, was very welcoming and festive—not to say drunk. He claimed he was looking after the upkeep of the road. I can’t say I saw any road or any upkeep, unless you count the body of a middle-aged black man, with a bullet hole in his forehead, that I stumbled upon three miles later, which might be seen as a permanent improvement. I had a white companion too, not a bad guy, but rather chunky and with the annoying habit of fainting on the hot hillsides, far from any shade or water. It’s frustrating to hold your coat like a parasol over someone’s head while they come to. I couldn't help asking him once why he was even there. 'To make money, of course. What do you think?' he said, sneering. Then he got a fever, and had to be carried in a hammock slung under a pole. Since he weighed sixteen stone, I had endless arguments with the carriers. They grumbled, ran away, and sneaked off with their loads at night—an outright mutiny. So, one evening, I gave a speech in English with gestures, and not one of them was lost on the sixty pairs of eyes in front of me, and the next morning, I started the hammock off ahead without a hitch. An hour later, I found the entire operation wrecked in a bush—man, hammock, groans, blankets, horrors. The heavy pole had scraped his poor nose. He was eager for me to kill someone, but there wasn’t a carrier in sight. I remembered the old doctor—'It would be interesting for science to observe the mental changes of individuals, right in the moment.' I felt like I was becoming scientifically interesting. Still, all of that doesn’t matter. On the fifteenth day, I finally saw the big river again and limped into the Central Station. It was on a backwater surrounded by scrub and forest, with a pretty edge of smelly mud on one side and enclosed by a crazy fence of rushes on the other three sides. There was a neglected gap serving as a gate, and just one look at the place made it clear that the lazy guy was running the show. White men with long sticks in their hands appeared slowly from the buildings, strolling over to check me out, then disappearing somewhere out of sight. One of them, a stout, excitable guy with black mustaches, told me eagerly and in great detail, as soon as I introduced myself, that my steamer was at the bottom of the river. I was shocked. What, how, why? Oh, it was 'all good'. The 'manager himself' was there. Everything was fine. 'Everyone had behaved splendidly! splendidly!'—'you must,' he said, agitated, 'go and see the general manager right away. He is waiting!'
"I did not see the real significance of that wreck at once. I fancy I see it now, but I am not sure—not at all. Certainly the affair was too stupid—when I think of it—to be altogether natural. Still. . . . But at the moment it presented itself simply as a confounded nuisance. The steamer was sunk. They had started two days before in a sudden hurry up the river with the manager on board, in charge of some volunteer skipper, and before they had been out three hours they tore the bottom out of her on stones, and she sank near the south bank. I asked myself what I was to do there, now my boat was lost. As a matter of fact, I had plenty to do in fishing my command out of the river. I had to set about it the very next day. That, and the repairs when I brought the pieces to the station, took some months.
I didn’t immediately grasp the true importance of that wreck. I think I get it now, but I’m not sure—not at all. It definitely seemed too ridiculous—when I think back on it—to be completely natural. Still… At the time, it just felt like a huge hassle. The steamer had sunk. They had rushed off two days earlier up the river with the manager on board, under some volunteer captain, and within three hours, they hit some rocks and sank near the south bank. I wondered what I was supposed to do now that my boat was gone. In reality, I had plenty to do retrieving my command from the river. I had to start on that the very next day. That, along with making repairs when I brought the pieces to the station, took several months.
"My first interview with the manager was curious. He did not ask me to sit down after my twenty-mile walk that morning. He was commonplace in complexion, in features, in manners, and in voice. He was of middle size and of ordinary build. His eyes, of the usual blue, were perhaps remarkably cold, and he certainly could make his glance fall on one as trenchant and heavy as an ax. But even at these times the rest of his person seemed to disclaim the intention. Otherwise there was only an indefinable, faint expression of his lips, something stealthy—a smile—not a smile—I remember it, but I can't explain. It was unconscious, this smile was, though just after he had said something it got intensified for an instant. It came at the end of his speeches like a seal applied on the words to make the meaning of the commonest phrase appear absolutely inscrutable. He was a common trader, from his youth up employed in these parts—nothing more. He was obeyed, yet he inspired neither love nor fear, nor even respect. He inspired uneasiness. That was it! Uneasiness. Not a definite mistrust—just uneasiness—nothing more. You have no idea how effective such a . . . a . . . faculty can be. He had no genius for organizing, for initiative, or for order even. That was evident in such things as the deplorable state of the station. He had no learning, and no intelligence. His position had come to him—why? Perhaps because he was never ill . . . He had served three terms of three years out there . . . Because triumphant health in the general rout of constitutions is a kind of power in itself. When he went home on leave he rioted on a large scale—pompously. Jack ashore—with a difference—in externals only. This one could gather from his casual talk. He originated nothing, he could keep the routine going—that's all. But he was great. He was great by this little thing that it was impossible to tell what could control such a man. He never gave that secret away. Perhaps there was nothing within him. Such a suspicion made one pause—for out there there were no external checks. Once when various tropical diseases had laid low almost every 'agent' in the station, he was heard to say, 'Men who come out here should have no entrails.' He sealed the utterance with that smile of his, as though it had been a door opening into a darkness he had in his keeping. You fancied you had seen things—but the seal was on. When annoyed at meal-times by the constant quarrels of the white men about precedence, he ordered an immense round table to be made, for which a special house had to be built. This was the station's mess-room. Where he sat was the first place—the rest were nowhere. One felt this to be his unalterable conviction. He was neither civil nor uncivil. He was quiet. He allowed his 'boy'—an overfed young negro from the coast—to treat the white men, under his very eyes, with provoking insolence.
My first meeting with the manager was strange. He didn’t ask me to sit down after my twenty-mile walk that morning. He was pretty average in looks, features, manners, and voice. He was of average height and build. His blue eyes were probably notably cold, and he could give a sharp, heavy stare like an ax. Yet even then, the rest of his demeanor seemed to say otherwise. There was also just a vague, subtle expression on his lips, something sneaky—a smile—but not really a smile. I remember it, but I can’t explain it. This smile was unconscious, though it got stronger for a moment right after he spoke. It would show up at the end of his speeches like a stamp making the meaning of even the simplest phrase seem completely mysterious. He was just a regular trader, having worked in these parts since he was young—nothing more. People followed his orders, but he inspired neither love nor fear, not even respect. He inspired discomfort. That was it! Discomfort. Not outright mistrust—just discomfort—nothing more. You wouldn’t believe how effective such a . . . a . . . quality can be. He had no talent for organizing, taking initiative, or maintaining order. That was obvious from the terrible condition of the station. He had no education, and no intelligence. His position had come to him—why? Maybe because he was never sick . . . He had served three three-year terms out there . . . Because robust health amid the general breakdown of health is a kind of power on its own. When he went home on leave, he partied on a grand scale—quite pompously. Jack ashore—with a twist—in appearance only. You could pick that up from his offhand remarks. He created nothing; he could just keep things running—that was all. But he was impressive. He was impressive because it was impossible to figure out what could control such a man. He never revealed that secret. Perhaps there was nothing inside him. Such a thought made you pause—out there, there were no outside checks. Once, when various tropical diseases had taken down almost every ‘agent’ at the station, he was heard saying, “Men who come here shouldn’t have any guts.” He followed that statement with his smile, as if it had been a door opening into a darkness he held. You thought you had seen things—but the seal was on. When bothered at meal times by the constant fights among the white men over who had precedence, he ordered a huge round table to be built, for which a special building had to be constructed. This became the station's mess room. Where he sat was the most important spot—the others were irrelevant. You could feel this was his firm belief. He wasn’t polite or rude. He was quiet. He let his ‘boy’—an overweight young Black man from the coast—treat the white men, right in front of him, with openly disrespectful insolence.
"He began to speak as soon as he saw me. I had been very long on the road. He could not wait. Had to start without me. The up-river stations had to be relieved. There had been so many delays already that he did not know who was dead and who was alive, and how they got on—and so on, and so on. He paid no attention to my explanations, and, playing with a stick of sealing-wax, repeated several times that the situation was 'very grave, very grave.' There were rumors that a very important station was in jeopardy, and its chief, Mr. Kurtz, was ill. Hoped it was not true. Mr. Kurtz was . . . I felt weary and irritable. Hang Kurtz, I thought. I interrupted him by saying I had heard of Mr. Kurtz on the coast. 'Ah! So they talk of him down there,' he murmured to himself. Then he began again, assuring me Mr. Kurtz was the best agent he had, an exceptional man, of the greatest importance to the Company; therefore I could understand his anxiety. He was, he said, 'very, very uneasy.' Certainly he fidgeted on his chair a good deal, exclaimed, 'Ah, Mr. Kurtz!' broke the stick of sealing-wax and seemed dumbfounded by the accident. Next thing he wanted to know 'how long it would take to' . . . I interrupted him again. Being hungry, you know, and kept on my feet too, I was getting savage. 'How could I tell,' I said. 'I hadn't even seen the wreck yet—some months, no doubt.' All this talk seemed to me so futile. 'Some months,' he said. 'Well, let us say three months before we can make a start. Yes. That ought to do the affair.' I flung out of his hut (he lived all alone in a clay hut with a sort of veranda) muttering to myself my opinion of him. He was a chattering idiot. Afterwards I took it back when it was borne in upon me startlingly with what extreme nicety he had estimated the time requisite for the 'affair.'
He started talking as soon as he saw me. I had been traveling for a long time. He couldn’t wait. He had to move on without me. The upstream stations needed relief. There had already been so many delays that he didn’t even know who was dead or alive, or what was going on. He dismissed my explanations and, while fiddling with a stick of sealing wax, kept repeating that the situation was “very serious, very serious.” There were rumors that a very important station was in trouble, and its leader, Mr. Kurtz, was sick. He hoped it wasn’t true. Mr. Kurtz was… I felt tired and irritated. Forget Kurtz, I thought. I interrupted him, saying I had heard about Mr. Kurtz on the coast. “Ah! So they mention him down there,” he murmured to himself. Then he started again, insisting that Mr. Kurtz was his best agent, an exceptional man, crucial to the Company; so I could see why he was anxious. He said he was “very, very uneasy.” He certainly fidgeted in his chair a lot, exclaimed, “Ah, Mr. Kurtz!” broke the stick of sealing wax, and seemed shocked by the accident. Then he wanted to know “how long it would take to”… I interrupted him again. I was hungry and on my feet too long, so I was getting really irritable. “How would I know,” I said. “I haven’t even seen the wreck yet—probably some months.” All this talk seemed pointless to me. “Some months,” he said. “Well, let’s say three months before we can make a start. Yes. That should be enough time for the ‘affair.’” I stormed out of his hut (he lived all alone in a clay hut with a kind of veranda), muttering my thoughts about him. He was a rambling idiot. Later, I took that back when I realized just how precisely he had estimated the time needed for the “affair.”
"I went to work the next day, turning, so to speak, my back on that station. In that way only it seemed to me I could keep my hold on the redeeming facts of life. Still, one must look about sometimes; and then I saw this station, these men strolling aimlessly about in the sunshine of the yard. I asked myself sometimes what it all meant. They wandered here and there with their absurd long staves in their hands, like a lot of faithless pilgrims bewitched inside a rotten fence. The word 'ivory' rang in the air, was whispered, was sighed. You would think they were praying to it. A taint of imbecile rapacity blew through it all, like a whiff from some corpse. By Jove! I've never seen anything so unreal in my life. And outside, the silent wilderness surrounding this cleared speck on the earth struck me as something great and invincible, like evil or truth, waiting patiently for the passing away of this fantastic invasion.
I went to work the next day, effectively turning my back on that station. It seemed to be the only way to hold onto the meaningful aspects of life. Still, sometimes you have to look around; and then I saw this station, with these guys strolling aimlessly in the sunlight of the yard. I often wondered what it all meant. They wandered here and there with their ridiculous long sticks in their hands, like a bunch of unfaithful pilgrims trapped inside a decaying fence. The word 'ivory' echoed in the air, whispered, sighed. You'd think they were praying to it. A sense of foolish greed hung over it all, like a stench from some corpse. Good grief! I've never seen anything so unreal in my life. And outside, the quiet wilderness surrounding this small patch of land struck me as something vast and unstoppable, like evil or truth, waiting patiently for the end of this bizarre invasion.
"Oh, these months! Well, never mind. Various things happened. One evening a grass shed full of calico, cotton prints, beads, and I don't know what else, burst into a blaze so suddenly that you would have thought the earth had opened to let an avenging fire consume all that trash. I was smoking my pipe quietly by my dismantled steamer, and saw them all cutting capers in the light, with their arms lifted high, when the stout man with mustaches came tearing down to the river, a tin pail in his hand, assured me that everybody was 'behaving splendidly, splendidly,' dipped about a quart of water and tore back again. I noticed there was a hole in the bottom of his pail.
"Oh, these months! Anyway, various things happened. One evening, a grass shed filled with calico, cotton prints, beads, and who knows what else suddenly burst into flames, so quickly that you would have thought the earth opened up to let an avenging fire consume all that junk. I was quietly smoking my pipe by my dismantled steamer when I saw them all dancing in the light, their arms raised high, when the stout man with mustaches came rushing down to the river, a tin pail in his hand, assuring me that everyone was 'behaving splendidly, splendidly.' He dipped about a quart of water and rushed back again. I noticed there was a hole in the bottom of his pail."
"I strolled up. There was no hurry. You see the thing had gone off like a box of matches. It had been hopeless from the very first. The flame had leaped high, driven everybody back, lighted up everything—and collapsed. The shed was already a heap of embers glowing fiercely. A nigger was being beaten near by. They said he had caused the fire in some way; be that as it may, he was screeching most horribly. I saw him, later on, for several days, sitting in a bit of shade looking very sick and trying to recover himself: afterwards he arose and went out—and the wilderness without a sound took him into its bosom again. As I approached the glow from the dark I found myself at the back of two men, talking. I heard the name of Kurtz pronounced, then the words, 'take advantage of this unfortunate accident.' One of the men was the manager. I wished him a good evening. 'Did you ever see anything like it—eh? it is incredible,' he said, and walked off. The other man remained. He was a first-class agent, young, gentlemanly, a bit reserved, with a forked little beard and a hooked nose. He was stand-offish with the other agents, and they on their side said he was the manager's spy upon them. As to me, I had hardly ever spoken to him before. We got into talk, and by-and-by we strolled away from the hissing ruins. Then he asked me to his room, which was in the main building of the station. He struck a match, and I perceived that this young aristocrat had not only a silver-mounted dressing-case but also a whole candle all to himself. Just at that time the manager was the only man supposed to have any right to candles. Native mats covered the clay walls; a collection of spears, assegais, shields, knives was hung up in trophies. The business intrusted to this fellow was the making of bricks—so I had been informed; but there wasn't a fragment of a brick anywhere in the station, and he had been there more than a year—waiting. It seems he could not make bricks without something, I don't know what—straw maybe. Anyways, it could not be found there, and as it was not likely to be sent from Europe, it did not appear clear to me what he was waiting for. An act of special creation perhaps. However, they were all waiting—all the sixteen or twenty pilgrims of them—for something; and upon my word it did not seem an uncongenial occupation, from the way they took it, though the only thing that ever came to them was disease—as far as I could see. They beguiled the time by backbiting and intriguing against each other in a foolish kind of way. There was an air of plotting about that station, but nothing came of it, of course. It was as unreal as everything else—as the philanthropic pretense of the whole concern, as their talk, as their government, as their show of work. The only real feeling was a desire to get appointed to a trading-post where ivory was to be had, so that they could earn percentages. They intrigued and slandered and hated each other only on that account,—but as to effectually lifting a little finger—oh, no. By heavens! there is something after all in the world allowing one man to steal a horse while another must not look at a halter. Steal a horse straight out. Very well. He has done it. Perhaps he can ride. But there is a way of looking at a halter that would provoke the most charitable of saints into a kick.
I walked up slowly. There was no rush. You see, the situation had exploded like a box of matches. It had been doomed from the start. The flames shot up high, pushing everyone back, lighting up everything—and then it collapsed. The shed was already a pile of glowing embers. Nearby, they were beating a Black man. They said he was somehow responsible for the fire; whatever the case, he was screaming terribly. I saw him later, for several days, sitting in a bit of shade, looking really sick and trying to recover. Eventually, he got up and walked away—and the wilderness silently took him back. As I got closer to the glow in the darkness, I found myself behind two men talking. I heard the name Kurtz mentioned, followed by the phrase, “take advantage of this unfortunate accident.” One of the men was the manager. I said good evening to him. “Have you ever seen anything like this? It’s unbelievable,” he said, and then walked away. The other man stayed. He was a top-notch agent, young, classy, a bit reserved, with a little forked beard and a hooked nose. He kept his distance from the other agents, who claimed he was the manager’s spy. As for me, I had hardly spoken to him before. We started chatting, and before long, we walked away from the hissing ruins. Then he invited me to his room in the main building of the station. He struck a match, and I noticed that this young aristocrat not only had a silver-mounted dressing case but also an entire candle just for himself. At that time, the manager was the only one who was supposed to have candles. Native mats covered the clay walls; a collection of spears, assegais, shields, and knives was displayed as trophies. This guy’s job was supposedly to make bricks—so I had been told; but there wasn’t a single brick in sight at the station, and he had been there over a year—just waiting. Apparently, he couldn’t make bricks without something, I don’t know what—maybe straw. Anyway, they couldn’t find it there, and since it wasn’t likely to come from Europe, I wasn’t sure what he was waiting for. Perhaps a miracle. Anyway, they were all waiting—all sixteen or twenty of them—for something; and honestly, it didn’t seem like a bad way to spend time, given how they handled it, even though the only thing that ever came their way was disease—as far as I could tell. They passed the time by gossiping and scheming against each other in a silly way. There was a sense of plotting around that station, but of course, nothing ever came of it. It felt as unreal as everything else—the philanthropic facade of the whole operation, their conversations, their governance, their show of work. The only genuine feeling was the desire to get assigned to a trading post where ivory was available so they could earn commissions. They connived, slandered, and despised each other just for that reason—but when it came to actually putting in any effort—oh, no. By God! there’s something in the world that lets one man steal a horse while another can’t even look at a halter. A man can steal a horse outright. Fine. He’s done it. Maybe he can ride. But there’s a way to look at a halter that could provoke even the most forgiving saint into kicking.
"I had no idea why he wanted to be sociable, but as we chatted in there it suddenly occurred to me the fellow was trying to get at something—in fact, pumping me. He alluded constantly to Europe, to the people I was supposed to know there—putting leading questions as to my acquaintances in the sepulchral city, and so on. His little eyes glittered like mica discs—with curiosity,—though he tried to keep up a bit of superciliousness. At first I was astonished, but very soon I became awfully curious to see what he would find out from me. I couldn't possibly imagine what I had in me to make it worth his while. It was very pretty to see how he baffled himself, for in truth my body was full of chills, and my head had nothing in it but that wretched steamboat business. It was evident he took me for a perfectly shameless prevaricator. At last he got angry, and to conceal a movement of furious annoyance, he yawned. I rose. Then I noticed a small sketch in oils, on a panel, representing a woman, draped and blindfolded, carrying a lighted torch. The background was somber—almost black. The movement of the woman was stately, and the effect of the torchlight on the face was sinister.
I had no idea why he wanted to be friendly, but as we talked there, it hit me that he was trying to dig for something—in fact, he was probing me. He kept bringing up Europe, mentioning the people I was supposedly connected with there—asking leading questions about my acquaintances in that quiet city, and so on. His little eyes sparkled like shiny stones—with curiosity—though he tried to act a bit superior. At first, I was shocked, but soon I became really curious to see what he would uncover from me. I couldn't imagine what I had in me that would make it worth his time. It was amusing to watch him puzzle over it, because honestly, I was freezing, and my mind was filled only with that awful steamboat incident. It was clear he thought I was a completely shameless liar. Finally, he got annoyed, and to hide his furious frustration, he yawned. I got up. Then I noticed a small oil painting on a panel, showing a woman, draped and blindfolded, holding a burning torch. The background was dark—almost black. The woman's posture was dignified, and the light from the torch created a sinister effect on her face.
"It arrested me, and he stood by civilly, holding a half-pint champagne bottle (medical comforts) with the candle stuck in it. To my question he said Mr. Kurtz had painted this—in this very station more than a year ago—while waiting for means to go to his trading-post. 'Tell me, pray,' said I, 'who is this Mr. Kurtz?'
"It caught my attention, and he stood by politely, holding a half-pint champagne bottle (for medical needs) with a candle stuck in it. When I asked, he said Mr. Kurtz had painted this—in this very station more than a year ago—while waiting for transportation to his trading post. 'Please tell me,' I said, 'who is this Mr. Kurtz?'"
"'The chief of the Inner Station,' he answered in a short tone, looking away. 'Much obliged,' I said, laughing. 'And you are the brickmaker of the Central Station. Everyone knows that.' He was silent for a while. 'He is a prodigy,' he said at last. 'He is an emissary of pity, and science, and progress, and devil knows what else. We want,' he began to declaim suddenly, 'for the guidance of the cause intrusted to us by Europe, so to speak, higher intelligence, wide sympathies, a singleness of purpose.' 'Who says that?' I asked. 'Lots of them,' he replied. 'Some even write that; and so he comes here, a special being, as you ought to know.' 'Why ought I to know?' I interrupted, really surprised. He paid no attention. 'Yes. To-day he is chief of the best station, next year he will be assistant-manager, two years more and . . . but I dare say you know what he will be in two years' time. You are of the new gang—the gang of virtue. The same people who sent him specially also recommended you. Oh, don't say no. I've my own eyes to trust.' Light dawned upon me. My dear aunt's influential acquaintances were producing an unexpected effect upon that young man. I nearly burst into a laugh. 'Do you read the Company's confidential correspondence?' I asked. He hadn't a word to say. It was great fun. 'When Mr. Kurtz,' I continued severely, 'is General Manager, you won't have the opportunity.'
"'The head of the Inner Station,' he replied curtly, looking away. 'Thanks a lot,' I chuckled. 'And you’re the brickmaker of the Central Station. Everyone knows that.' He went quiet for a moment. 'He's a genius,' he eventually said. 'He's an envoy of compassion, science, progress, and God knows what else. We need,' he suddenly started to rant, 'for the guidance of the mission entrusted to us by Europe, so to speak, higher intelligence, broad compassion, a clear focus.' 'Who says that?' I asked. 'Many people,' he replied. 'Some even write it down; and so he comes here, a special person, as you should know.' 'Why should I know?' I cut in, genuinely surprised. He ignored me. 'Yes. Today he's the head of the best station, next year he'll be assistant manager, two years from now and... but I bet you know what he’ll be in two years. You're part of the new crowd—the crowd of virtue. The same people who sent him here recommended you too. Oh, don’t deny it. I can trust my own eyes.' Suddenly, it clicked for me. My dear aunt's powerful connections were having an unexpected impact on that young man. I almost burst out laughing. 'Do you read the Company’s confidential letters?' I asked. He had nothing to say. It was quite amusing. 'When Mr. Kurtz,' I continued sternly, 'is General Manager, you won't get the chance.'
"He blew the candle out suddenly, and we went outside. The moon had risen. Black figures strolled about listlessly, pouring water on the glow, whence proceeded a sound of hissing; steam ascended in the moonlight, the beaten nigger groaned somewhere. 'What a row the brute makes!' said the indefatigable man with the mustaches, appearing near us. 'Serve him right. Transgression—punishment—bang! Pitiless, pitiless. That's the only way. This will prevent all conflagrations for the future. I was just telling the manager . . .' He noticed my companion, and became crestfallen all at once. 'Not in bed yet,' he said, with a kind of servile heartiness; 'it's so natural. Ha! Danger—agitation.' He vanished. I went on to the river-side, and the other followed me. I heard a scathing murmur at my ear, 'Heap of muffs—go to.' The pilgrims could be seen in knots gesticulating, discussing. Several had still their staves in their hands. I verily believe they took these sticks to bed with them. Beyond the fence the forest stood up spectrally in the moonlight, and through the dim stir, through the faint sounds of that lamentable courtyard, the silence of the land went home to one's very heart,—its mystery, its greatness, the amazing reality of its concealed life. The hurt nigger moaned feebly somewhere near by, and then fetched a deep sigh that made me mend my pace away from there. I felt a hand introducing itself under my arm. 'My dear sir,' said the fellow, 'I don't want to be misunderstood, and especially by you, who will see Mr. Kurtz long before I can have that pleasure. I wouldn't like him to get a false idea of my disposition. . . .'
He suddenly blew out the candle, and we stepped outside. The moon had risen. Dark figures wandered around aimlessly, pouring water on the glow, which made a hissing sound; steam rose in the moonlight, and somewhere a beaten black object groaned. "What a racket that animal makes!" said the tireless man with the mustache as he appeared near us. "Serves him right. Transgression—punishment—bang! Ruthless, ruthless. That's the only way. This will stop all fires in the future. I was just telling the manager . . ." He noticed my companion and suddenly looked deflated. "Not in bed yet," he said with an overly friendly tone; "it's so natural. Ha! Danger—excitement." Then he disappeared. I continued toward the river, and the other person followed me. I heard a harsh whisper in my ear, "Bunch of wimps—get lost." The pilgrims could be seen huddled together, gesturing and discussing. Several still had their staffs in their hands. I truly believe they took those sticks to bed with them. Beyond the fence, the forest loomed eerily in the moonlight, and through the faint sounds of that sad courtyard, the silence of the land pierced right to the heart—its mystery, its vastness, the incredible reality of its hidden life. The injured black object moaned weakly nearby, then let out a deep sigh that made me quicken my pace away from there. I felt a hand slip under my arm. "My dear sir," said the guy, "I don’t want to be misunderstood, especially by you, who will see Mr. Kurtz long before I have that opportunity. I wouldn’t want him to get the wrong impression of my character..."
"I let him run on, this papier-mache Mephistopheles, and it seemed to me that if I tried I could poke my forefinger through him, and would find nothing inside but a little loose dirt, maybe. He, don't you see, had been planning to be assistant-manager by-and-by under the present man, and I could see that the coming of that Kurtz had upset them both not a little. He talked precipitately, and I did not try to stop him. I had my shoulders against the wreck of my steamer, hauled up on the slope like a carcass of some big river animal. The smell of mud, of primeval mud, by Jove! was in my nostrils, the high stillness of primeval forest was before my eyes; there were shiny patches on the black creek. The moon had spread over everything a thin layer of silver—over the rank grass, over the mud, upon the wall of matted vegetation standing higher than the wall of a temple, over the great river I could see through a somber gap glittering, glittering, as it flowed broadly by without a murmur. All this was great, expectant, mute, while the man jabbered about himself. I wondered whether the stillness on the face of the immensity looking at us two were meant as an appeal or as a menace. What were we who had strayed in here? Could we handle that dumb thing, or would it handle us? I felt how big, how confoundedly big, was that thing that couldn't talk, and perhaps was deaf as well. What was in there? I could see a little ivory coming out from there, and I had heard Mr. Kurtz was in there. I had heard enough about it too—God knows! Yet somehow it didn't bring any image with it—no more than if I had been told an angel or a fiend was in there. I believed it in the same way one of you might believe there are inhabitants in the planet Mars. I knew once a Scotch sailmaker who was certain, dead sure, there were people in Mars. If you asked him for some idea how they looked and behaved, he would get shy and mutter something about 'walking on all-fours.' If you as much as smiled, he would—though a man of sixty—offer to fight you. I would not have gone so far as to fight for Kurtz, but I went for him near enough to a lie. You know I hate, detest, and can't bear a lie, not because I am straighter than the rest of us, but simply because it appalls me. There is a taint of death, a flavor of mortality in lies,—which is exactly what I hate and detest in the world—what I want to forget. It makes me miserable and sick, like biting something rotten would do. Temperament, I suppose. Well, I went near enough to it by letting the young fool there believe anything he liked to imagine as to my influence in Europe. I became in an instant as much of a pretense as the rest of the bewitched pilgrims. This simply because I had a notion it somehow would be of help to that Kurtz whom at the time I did not see—you understand. He was just a word for me. I did not see the man in the name any more than you do. Do you see him? Do you see the story? Do you see anything? It seems to me I am trying to tell you a dream—making a vain attempt, because no relation of a dream can convey the dream-sensation, that commingling of absurdity, surprise, and bewilderment in a tremor of struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is of the very essence of dreams. . . ."
"I let him keep talking, this papier-mache Mephistopheles, and it felt like if I tried hard enough, I could poke my finger right through him and find nothing inside but a little loose dirt, maybe. He had been planning to become the assistant manager under the current guy, and I could tell that the arrival of Kurtz had really thrown them both off. He rambled on, and I didn't attempt to stop him. I had my back against the wreck of my steamer, which was dragged up on the slope like the carcass of some large river creature. The smell of mud, of ancient mud, by Jove! was in my nostrils, the deep silence of the primeval forest was in front of me; there were shiny patches on the black creek. The moon had covered everything with a thin layer of silver—over the overgrown grass, over the mud, on the wall of tangled vegetation towering higher than a temple, and over the great river I could see through a dark gap sparkling, sparkling, as it flowed wide by without a sound. All of this felt vast, expectant, and silent, while the man babbled about himself. I wondered if the stillness from the immense presence looking at the two of us was meant as an appeal or a threat. Who were we to have wandered in here? Could we control that silent force, or would it control us? I felt how vast, how incredibly vast, was that thing that couldn't speak, and maybe was deaf too. What was inside? I could see a bit of ivory coming from there, and I had heard Mr. Kurtz was in there. I had heard plenty about it—God knows! Yet somehow it didn't conjure any image in my mind—just like if someone told me an angel or a demon was in there. I believed it in the same way one of you might believe there are people living on Mars. I once knew a Scottish sailmaker who was absolutely convinced there were beings on Mars. If you asked him what they looked like or how they acted, he would shy away and mumble something about 'walking on all-fours.' If you even smiled, he would—despite being a sixty-year-old man—challenge you to a fight. I wouldn't go that far for Kurtz, but I came close enough to a lie. You know I hate, loathe, and can't stand a lie, not because I'm more honorable than the rest, but simply because it horrifies me. There’s a hint of death, a taste of mortality in lies—which is exactly what I despise in this world—what I want to forget. It makes me feel miserable and sick, like biting into something rotten would do. I guess it’s just my temperament. Well, I let that young fool believe whatever he wanted about my influence in Europe. I became just as much a pretense as the rest of the enchanted pilgrims. This was purely because I thought it might somehow help that Kurtz whom I didn’t even see at the time—you understand. He was just a name to me. I didn't perceive the man behind the name any more than you do. Do you see him? Do you see the story? Do you see anything? It feels like I'm trying to tell you about a dream—making a futile attempt, because no recounting of a dream can capture the feeling of it, that mix of absurdity, surprise, and confusion in a struggle against being trapped by the unbelievable that is the very essence of dreams..."
He was silent for a while.
He stayed quiet for a bit.
". . . No, it is impossible; it is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of one's existence,—that which makes its truth, its meaning—its subtle and penetrating essence. It is impossible. We live, as we dream—alone. . . ."
". . . No, it's impossible; it's impossible to express the feeling of any specific period in one's life—the truth, the meaning—its subtle and profound essence. It can't be done. We live, just like we dream—alone. . . ."
He paused again as if reflecting, then added—"Of course in this you fellows see more than I could then. You see me, whom you know. . . ."
He paused again, as if thinking, then added—"Of course, in this, you guys see more than I could back then. You see me, someone you know. . . ."
It had become so pitch dark that we listeners could hardly see one another. For a long time already he, sitting apart, had been no more to us than a voice. There was not a word from anybody. The others might have been asleep, but I was awake. I listened, I listened on the watch for the sentence, for the word, that would give me the clew to the faint uneasiness inspired by this narrative that seemed to shape itself without human lips in the heavy night-air of the river.
It had gotten so dark that we could barely see each other. For a while now, he had been nothing more than a voice to us, sitting away from the group. No one said a word. The others might have been asleep, but I was wide awake. I listened intently, waiting for the sentence or the word that would give me a clue to the slight discomfort this story was causing, a story that felt like it was forming itself in the heavy night air over the river without any human intervention.
". . . Yes—I let him run on," Marlow began again, "and think what he pleased about the powers that were behind me. I did! And there was nothing behind me! There was nothing but that wretched, old, mangled steamboat I was leaning against, while he talked fluently about 'the necessity for every man to get on.' 'And when one comes out here, you conceive, it is not to gaze at the moon.' Mr. Kurtz was a 'universal genius,' but even a genius would find it easier to work with 'adequate tools—intelligent men.' He did not make bricks—why, there was a physical impossibility in the way—as I was well aware; and if he did secretarial work for the manager, it was because 'no sensible man rejects wantonly the confidence of his superiors.' Did I see it? I saw it. What more did I want? What I really wanted was rivets, by heaven! Rivets. To get on with the work—to stop the hole. Rivets I wanted. There were cases of them down at the coast—cases—piled up—burst—split! You kicked a loose rivet at every second step in that station yard on the hillside. Rivets had rolled into the grove of death. You could fill your pockets with rivets for the trouble of stooping down—and there wasn't one rivet to be found where it was wanted. We had plates that would do, but nothing to fasten them with. And every week the messenger, a lone negro, letter-bag on shoulder and staff in hand, left our station for the coast. And several times a week a coast caravan came in with trade goods,—ghastly glazed calico that made you shudder only to look at it, glass beads value about a penny a quart, confounded spotted cotton handkerchiefs. And no rivets. Three carriers could have brought all that was wanted to set that steamboat afloat.
". . . Yes—I let him go on," Marlow started again, "and let him think whatever he wanted about the powers behind me. I did! And there was nothing behind me! There was only that miserable, old, beaten-up steamboat I was leaning against while he spoke fluently about 'the need for every man to get ahead.' 'And when one comes out here, you see, it's not just to stare at the moon.' Mr. Kurtz was a 'universal genius,' but even a genius would find it easier to work with 'adequate tools—smart people.' He didn’t make bricks—well, there was an obvious physical impossibility in that—as I knew; and if he did clerical work for the manager, it was because 'no sensible person purposely rejects the trust of their superiors.' Did I see it? I saw it. What more did I want? What I really wanted was rivets, for goodness’ sake! Rivets. To get on with the work—to fix the hole. Rivets were what I needed. There were cases of them down at the coast—cases—stacked up—burst—broken! You kicked a loose rivet with every other step in that station yard on the hillside. Rivets had rolled into the grove of death. You could fill your pockets with rivets for the trouble of bending down—and there wasn’t a single rivet to be found where it was needed. We had plates that would work, but nothing to secure them with. And every week, the messenger, a solitary black man with a letter bag slung over his shoulder and a staff in hand, left our station for the coast. And several times a week, a caravan from the coast came in with trade goods—horrible glazed calico that made you cringe just to look at it, glass beads worth about a penny a quart, those annoying spotted cotton handkerchiefs. And no rivets. Three carriers could have brought everything needed to get that steamboat moving."
"He was becoming confidential now, but I fancy my unresponsive attitude must have exasperated him at last, for he judged it necessary to inform me he feared neither God nor devil, let alone any mere man. I said I could see that very well, but what I wanted was a certain quantity of rivets—and rivets were what really Mr. Kurtz wanted, if he had only known it. Now letters went to the coast every week. . . . 'My dear sir,' he cried, 'I write from dictation.' I demanded rivets. There was a way—for an intelligent man. He changed his manner; became very cold, and suddenly began to talk about a hippopotamus; wondered whether sleeping on board the steamer (I stuck to my salvage night and day) I wasn't disturbed. There was an old hippo that had the bad habit of getting out on the bank and roaming at night over the station grounds. The pilgrims used to turn out in a body and empty every rifle they could lay hands on at him. Some even had sat up o' nights for him. All this energy was wasted, though. 'That animal has a charmed life,' he said; 'but you can say this only of brutes in this country. No man—you apprehend me?—no man here bears a charmed life.' He stood there for a moment in the moonlight with his delicate hooked nose set a little askew, and his mica eyes glittering without a wink, then, with a curt Good night, he strode off. I could see he was disturbed and considerably puzzled, which made me feel more hopeful than I had been for days. It was a great comfort to turn from that chap to my influential friend, the battered, twisted, ruined, tin-pot steamboat. I clambered on board. She rang under my feet like an empty Huntley & Palmer biscuit-tin kicked along a gutter; she was nothing so solid in make, and rather less pretty in shape, but I had expended enough hard work on her to make me love her. No influential friend would have served me better. She had given me a chance to come out a bit—to find out what I could do. No, I don't like work. I had rather laze about and think of all the fine things that can be done. I don't like work—no man does—but I like what is in the work,—the chance to find yourself. Your own reality—for yourself, not for others—what no other man can ever know. They can only see the mere show, and never can tell what it really means.
He was starting to get personal now, but I think my indifferent attitude must have frustrated him in the end, because he felt the need to tell me he feared neither God nor the devil, much less any ordinary man. I said I understood that very well, but what I needed was a certain number of rivets—and rivets were exactly what Mr. Kurtz needed, if only he realized it. Letters were sent to the coast every week... "My dear sir," he exclaimed, "I write from dictation." I insisted on rivets. There was a way—for a smart guy. He shifted his tone; became very cold, and suddenly started talking about a hippopotamus; wondered if I was disturbed sleeping on the steamer (I kept my salvage routine day and night). There was an old hippo that had the annoying habit of getting out onto the banks and wandering around the station grounds at night. The workers would come out as a group and shoot at him with every rifle they could find. Some even stayed up all night waiting for him. All that effort was wasted, though. "That animal has a charmed life," he said; "but you can say that only about animals in this country. No man—you get me?—no man here has a charmed life." He stood there for a moment in the moonlight with his delicate hooked nose slightly askew, his shiny eyes glimmering without a blink, then, with a brief "Good night," he walked away. I could tell he was unsettled and quite confused, which made me feel more hopeful than I had in days. It was a great relief to turn from that guy to my trusty friend, the battered, twisted, broken-down steamboat. I climbed aboard. She rang under my feet like an empty biscuit tin kicked along a gutter; she wasn’t built solidly and wasn't much to look at, but I had put in enough hard work on her to love her. No better friend could have helped me. She had given me a chance to come through a bit—to discover what I could do. No, I don’t enjoy work. I’d rather lounge around and think of all the great things that could be done. I don’t like work—no one does—but I like what comes from the work—the opportunity to find yourself. Your own reality—for yourself, not for anyone else—something no one else can ever know. They can only see the surface, and they can never understand what it really means.
"I was not surprised to see somebody sitting aft, on the deck, with his legs dangling over the mud. You see I rather chummed with the few mechanics there were in that station, whom the other pilgrims naturally despised—on account of their imperfect manners, I suppose. This was the foreman—a boiler-maker by trade—a good worker. He was a lank, bony, yellow-faced man, with big intense eyes. His aspect was worried, and his head was as bald as the palm of my hand; but his hair in falling seemed to have stuck to his chin, and had prospered in the new locality, for his beard hung down to his waist. He was a widower with six young children (he had left them in charge of a sister of his to come out there), and the passion of his life was pigeon-flying. He was an enthusiast and a connoisseur. He would rave about pigeons. After work hours he used sometimes to come over from his hut for a talk about his children and his pigeons; at work, when he had to crawl in the mud under the bottom of the steamboat, he would tie up that beard of his in a kind of white serviette he brought for the purpose. It had loops to go over his ears. In the evening he could be seen squatted on the bank rinsing that wrapper in the creek with great care, then spreading it solemnly on a bush to dry.
I wasn't surprised to see someone sitting at the back on the deck, with his legs hanging over the mud. I had gotten close to a few of the mechanics at that station, who the other travelers naturally looked down on—probably because of their rough manners. This was the foreman—a boiler-maker by trade—a hard worker. He was a tall, skinny guy with a yellowish face and intense eyes. He looked worried, and his head was as bald as my hand; but where his hair had fallen out, it seemed to have stuck to his chin and thrived in its new location, since his beard hung down to his waist. He was a widower with six young kids (he had left them in the care of his sister to come out here), and his biggest passion in life was pigeon-flying. He was an enthusiast and a connoisseur. He would go on and on about pigeons. After work, he would sometimes come over from his hut to talk about his kids and his pigeons; at work, when he had to crawl in the mud under the steamboat, he would tie that beard of his up with a kind of white cloth he had brought for that purpose. It had loops to go over his ears. In the evening, you could see him squatting by the bank, carefully rinsing that cloth in the creek, and then spreading it on a bush to dry.
"I slapped him on the back and shouted, 'We shall have rivets!' He scrambled to his feet exclaiming 'No! Rivets!' as though he couldn't believe his ears. Then in a low voice, 'You . . . eh?' I don't know why we behaved like lunatics. I put my finger to the side of my nose and nodded mysteriously. 'Good for you!' he cried, snapped his fingers above his head, lifting one foot. I tried a jig. We capered on the iron deck. A frightful clatter came out of that hulk, and the virgin forest on the other bank of the creek sent it back in a thundering roll upon the sleeping station. It must have made some of the pilgrims sit up in their hovels. A dark figure obscured the lighted doorway of the manager's hut, vanished, then, a second or so after, the doorway itself vanished too. We stopped, and the silence driven away by the stamping of our feet flowed back again from the recesses of the land. The great wall of vegetation, an exuberant and entangled mass of trunks, branches, leaves, boughs, festoons, motionless in the moonlight, was like a rioting invasion of soundless life, a rolling wave of plants, piled up, crested, ready to topple over the creek, to sweep every little man of us out of his little existence. And it moved not. A deadened burst of mighty splashes and snorts reached us from afar, as though an ichthyosaurus had been taking a bath of glitter in the great river. 'After all,' said the boiler-maker in a reasonable tone, 'why shouldn't we get the rivets?' Why not, indeed! I did not know of any reason why we shouldn't. 'They'll come in three weeks,' I said confidently.
"I slapped him on the back and shouted, 'We’re getting rivets!' He jumped to his feet, exclaiming, 'No! Rivets!' as if he couldn’t believe what he heard. Then, in a low voice, 'You... really?' I don’t know why we acted like total maniacs. I put my finger to the side of my nose and nodded mysteriously. 'Good for you!' he yelled, snapping his fingers above his head and lifting one foot. I tried a little dance. We frolicked on the iron deck. A loud clatter came from that hulk, and the untouched forest on the other side of the creek echoed it back in a booming rumble towards the sleeping station. It must have startled some of the settlers awake in their huts. A dark figure blocked the light from the manager's hut, disappeared, and then, a second later, so did the doorway itself. We stopped, and the silence that had been pushed away by the stamping of our feet flowed back from the depths of the land. The towering wall of vegetation, an exuberant and tangled mass of trunks, branches, leaves, and vines, stood still in the moonlight like a chaotic invasion of silent life, a rolling wave of plants piled up, ready to crash over the creek and sweep us little folks away from our tiny lives. But it didn’t move. A distant roar of powerful splashes and snorts reached us, as if an ichthyosaurus was splashing around in the great river. 'After all,' the boiler-maker said reasonably, 'why shouldn’t we get the rivets?' Why not, indeed! I couldn’t think of any reason we shouldn’t. 'They’ll be here in three weeks,' I said confidently."
"But they didn't. Instead of rivets there came an invasion, an infliction, a visitation. It came in sections during the next three weeks, each section headed by a donkey carrying a white man in new clothes and tan shoes, bowing from that elevation right and left to the impressed pilgrims. A quarrelsome band of footsore sulky niggers trod on the heels of the donkeys; a lot of tents, camp-stools, tin boxes, white cases, brown bales would be shot down in the courtyard, and the air of mystery would deepen a little over the muddle of the station. Five such installments came, with their absurd air of disorderly flight with the loot of innumerable outfit shops and provision stores, that, one would think, they were lugging, after a raid, into the wilderness for equitable division. It was an inextricable mess of things decent in themselves but that human folly made look like the spoils of thieving.
"But they didn't. Instead of rivets, there was an invasion, an attack, a wave of newcomers. It rolled in over the next three weeks, each group led by a donkey carrying a white man in fresh clothes and tan shoes, who bowed from their high perch right and left to the impressed travelers. A quarrelsome bunch of tired, sulky black people followed closely behind the donkeys; a bunch of tents, camp chairs, tin boxes, white cases, and brown bales would be dumped in the courtyard, and the air of mystery thickened a little over the chaos of the station. Five such groups arrived, with their ridiculous air of frantic movement, loaded down with the spoils of countless outfitters and grocery stores, as if they were hauling after a raid into the wilderness for fair distribution. It was a tangled mess of items that were fine on their own but made to look like the loot from a robbery by human foolishness."
"This devoted band called itself the Eldorado Exploring Expedition, and I believe they were sworn to secrecy. Their talk, however, was the talk of sordid buccaneers: it was reckless without hardihood, greedy without audacity, and cruel without courage; there was not an atom of foresight or of serious intention in the whole batch of them, and they did not seem aware these things are wanted for the work of the world. To tear treasure out of the bowels of the land was their desire, with no more moral purpose at the back of it than there is in burglars breaking into a safe. Who paid the expenses of the noble enterprise I don't know; but the uncle of our manager was leader of that lot.
"This devoted group called themselves the Eldorado Exploring Expedition, and I think they were sworn to secrecy. However, their conversations sounded like those of shady pirates: they were reckless without any bravery, greedy without boldness, and cruel without any sense of courage; there wasn’t a bit of foresight or serious intention among them, and they didn’t seem to realize that these qualities are necessary for the work of the world. Their desire was to rip treasure from the earth with no more moral reason behind it than that of burglars breaking into a safe. I don’t know who funded this noble venture, but the uncle of our manager was the leader of that group."
"In exterior he resembled a butcher in a poor neighborhood, and his eyes had a look of sleepy cunning. He carried his fat paunch with ostentation on his short legs, and during the time his gang infested the station spoke to no one but his nephew. You could see these two roaming about all day long with their heads close together in an everlasting confab.
"In appearance, he looked like a butcher from a rundown area, and his eyes had a drowsy slyness to them. He flaunted his round belly on his short legs, and while his gang hung around the station, he only talked to his nephew. You could see the two of them wandering around all day with their heads together, deep in constant conversation."
"I had given up worrying myself about the rivets. One's capacity for that kind of folly is more limited than you would suppose. I said Hang!—and let things slide. I had plenty of time for meditation, and now and then I would give some thought to Kurtz. I wasn't very interested in him. No. Still, I was curious to see whether this man, who had come out equipped with moral ideas of some sort, would climb to the top after all, and how he would set about his work when there."
"I had stopped stressing over the rivets. You can only engage in that kind of nonsense for so long. I thought, whatever!—and let things be. I had plenty of time to think, and every now and then, I would consider Kurtz. I wasn't really that interested in him. No. Still, I was curious to see if this guy, who had arrived with some moral beliefs, would make it to the top after all and how he would go about his job once he got there."
II
"One evening as I was lying flat on the deck of my steamboat, I heard voices approaching—and there were the nephew and the uncle strolling along the bank. I laid my head on my arm again, and had nearly lost myself in a doze, when somebody said in my ear, as it were: 'I am as harmless as a little child, but I don't like to be dictated to. Am I the manager—or am I not? I was ordered to send him there. It's incredible.' . . . I became aware that the two were standing on the shore alongside the forepart of the steamboat, just below my head. I did not move; it did not occur to me to move: I was sleepy. 'It is unpleasant,' grunted the uncle. 'He has asked the Administration to be sent there,' said the other, 'with the idea of showing what he could do; and I was instructed accordingly. Look at the influence that man must have. Is it not frightful?' They both agreed it was frightful, then made several bizarre remarks: 'Make rain and fine weather—one man—the Council—by the nose'—bits of absurd sentences that got the better of my drowsiness, so that I had pretty near the whole of my wits about me when the uncle said, 'The climate may do away with this difficulty for you. Is he alone there?' 'Yes,' answered the manager; 'he sent his assistant down the river with a note to me in these terms: "Clear this poor devil out of the country, and don't bother sending more of that sort. I had rather be alone than have the kind of men you can dispose of with me." It was more than a year ago. Can you imagine such impudence!' 'Anything since then?' asked the other, hoarsely. 'Ivory,' jerked the nephew; 'lots of it—prime sort—lots—most annoying, from him.' 'And with that?' questioned the heavy rumble. 'Invoice,' was the reply fired out, so to speak. Then silence. They had been talking about Kurtz.
"One evening while I was lying flat on the deck of my steamboat, I heard voices approaching—and there were the nephew and the uncle walking along the bank. I rested my head on my arm again and was almost dozing off when someone whispered in my ear: 'I'm as harmless as a little child, but I don't like being told what to do. Am I the manager—or not? I was ordered to send him there. It's unbelievable.' . . . I realized that the two were standing on the shore near the front of the steamboat, just below my head. I didn't move; I didn't even think to move: I was sleepy. 'It is unpleasant,' the uncle grunted. 'He has asked the Administration to send him there,' said the other, 'to show what he could do; and I was instructed accordingly. Look at the influence that man must have. Isn't it terrifying?' They both agreed it was frightening, then made several odd remarks: 'Make rain and shine—one man—the Council—under control'—bits of absurd sentences that pulled me out of my drowsiness, so I had most of my wits about me when the uncle said, 'The climate may take care of this issue for you. Is he alone there?' 'Yes,' replied the manager; 'he sent his assistant down the river with a note to me that said: "Get this poor guy out of the country, and don't bother sending more of that type. I'd rather be alone than have the kind of men you can send with me." It was over a year ago. Can you believe such audacity!' 'Anything since then?' asked the other hoarsely. 'Ivory,' the nephew shot back; 'a lot of it—top quality—so much—most irritating, coming from him.' 'And with that?' asked the heavy voice. 'Invoice,' was the quick reply. Then silence. They had been talking about Kurtz."
"I was broad awake by this time, but, lying perfectly at ease, remained still, having no inducement to change my position. 'How did that ivory come all this way?' growled the elder man, who seemed very vexed. The other explained that it had come with a fleet of canoes in charge of an English half-caste clerk Kurtz had with him; that Kurtz had apparently intended to return himself, the station being by that time bare of goods and stores, but after coming three hundred miles, had suddenly decided to go back, which he started to do alone in a small dug-out with four paddlers, leaving the half-caste to continue down the river with the ivory. The two fellows there seemed astounded at anybody attempting such a thing. They were at a loss for an adequate motive. As to me, I seemed to see Kurtz for the first time. It was a distinct glimpse: the dug-out, four paddling savages, and the lone white man turning his back suddenly on the headquarters, on relief, on thoughts of home—perhaps; setting his face towards the depths of the wilderness, towards his empty and desolate station. I did not know the motive. Perhaps he was just simply a fine fellow who stuck to his work for its own sake. His name, you understand, had not been pronounced once. He was 'that man.' The half-caste, who, as far as I could see, had conducted a difficult trip with great prudence and pluck, was invariably alluded to as 'that scoundrel.' The 'scoundrel' had reported that the 'man' had been very ill—had recovered imperfectly. . . . The two below me moved away then a few paces, and strolled back and forth at some little distance. I heard: 'Military post—doctor—two hundred miles—quite alone now—unavoidable delays—nine months—no news—strange rumors.' They approached again, just as the manager was saying, 'No one, as far as I know, unless a species of wandering trader—a pestilential fellow, snapping ivory from the natives.' Who was it they were talking about now? I gathered in snatches that this was some man supposed to be in Kurtz's district, and of whom the manager did not approve. 'We will not be free from unfair competition till one of these fellows is hanged for an example,' he said. 'Certainly,' grunted the other; 'get him hanged! Why not? Anything—anything can be done in this country. That's what I say; nobody here, you understand, here, can endanger your position. And why? You stand the climate—you outlast them all. The danger is in Europe; but there before I left I took care to—' They moved off and whispered, then their voices rose again. 'The extraordinary series of delays is not my fault. I did my possible.' The fat man sighed, 'Very sad.' 'And the pestiferous absurdity of his talk,' continued the other; 'he bothered me enough when he was here. "Each station should be like a beacon on the road towards better things, a center for trade of course, but also for humanizing, improving, instructing." Conceive you—that ass! And he wants to be manager! No, it's—' Here he got choked by excessive indignation, and I lifted my head the least bit. I was surprised to see how near they were—right under me. I could have spat upon their hats. They were looking on the ground, absorbed in thought. The manager was switching his leg with a slender twig: his sagacious relative lifted his head. 'You have been well since you came out this time?' he asked. The other gave a start. 'Who? I? Oh! Like a charm—like a charm. But the rest—oh, my goodness! All sick. They die so quick, too, that I haven't the time to send them out of the country—it's incredible!' 'H'm. Just so,' grunted the uncle. 'Ah! my boy, trust to this—I say, trust to this.' I saw him extend his short flipper of an arm for a gesture that took in the forest, the creek, the mud, the river,—seemed to beckon with a dishonoring flourish before the sunlit face of the land a treacherous appeal to the lurking death, to the hidden evil, to the profound darkness of its heart. It was so startling that I leaped to my feet and looked back at the edge of the forest, as though I had expected an answer of some sort to that black display of confidence. You know the foolish notions that come to one sometimes. The high stillness confronted these two figures with its ominous patience, waiting for the passing away of a fantastic invasion.
I was wide awake now, but lying comfortably, I stayed still, having no reason to change my position. "How did that ivory come all this way?" grumbled the older man, clearly frustrated. The other guy explained that it had come with a fleet of canoes run by an English half-caste clerk that Kurtz had with him; that Kurtz had apparently planned to return himself, since the station was by then out of stock, but after traveling three hundred miles, he suddenly decided to head back, starting off alone in a small dugout with four paddlers, leaving the half-caste to continue down the river with the ivory. The two guys seemed shocked that anyone would try something like that. They couldn’t understand what kind of motivation would drive someone to do it. For me, it felt like I finally saw Kurtz for the first time. It was a clear vision: the dugout, four paddling natives, and the lone white man abruptly turning his back on the headquarters, on safety, perhaps on thoughts of home; heading toward the unknown wilderness, toward his empty and desolate station. I didn’t know the reason. Maybe he was just a decent guy who dedicated himself to his work for the sake of doing it. His name, you see, hadn’t been mentioned at all. He was simply 'that man.' The half-caste, who, from what I could tell, had successfully navigated a tough journey with a lot of skill and courage, was always referred to as 'that scoundrel.' The 'scoundrel' had reported that the 'man' had been very ill—had recovered only halfheartedly... The two below me then moved a few steps away and started pacing a little farther off. I heard: 'Military post—doctor—two hundred miles—quite alone now—unavoidable delays—nine months—no news—strange rumors.' They came back just as the manager was saying, 'No one, as far as I know, except for a kind of wandering trader—a disgusting guy, snatching ivory from the locals.' Who were they talking about now? I pieced together that this was someone thought to be in Kurtz's area, whom the manager clearly didn’t like. 'We won’t be free from unfair competition until one of these guys gets hanged as a warning,' he said. 'Absolutely,' grunted the other; 'let’s get him hanged! Why not? Anything—anything can happen in this country. That’s what I say; no one here, you know, here, can threaten your position. And why? You withstand the climate—you outlast them all. The real danger is in Europe; but before I left, I made sure to—' They moved away and whispered, then their voices rose again. 'The extraordinary delays are not my fault. I did everything I could.' The overweight man sighed, 'Very sad.' 'And the ridiculous nonsense he talks,' the other continued; 'he annoyed me enough when he was here. "Every station should be like a beacon on the road toward better things, a center for trade, of course, but also for humanizing, improving, educating." Can you believe that—what an ass! And he wants to be manager! No, it’s—' At this point, he got choked up with too much outrage, and I lifted my head just a bit. I was surprised to see how close they were—right beneath me. I could have spat on their hats. They were staring at the ground, deep in thought. The manager was flicking his leg with a thin twig: his clever relative lifted his head. 'Have you been well since you got here this time?' he asked. The other guy jumped. 'Who? Me? Oh! Absolutely—absolutely. But the others—oh my goodness! All sick. They die so fast that I don’t even have time to send them out of the country—it’s unbelievable!' 'H'm. Just so,' grunted the uncle. 'Ah! my boy, trust in this—I say, trust in this.' I saw him extend his short arm in a gesture that took in the forest, the creek, the mud, the river—seemed to beckon with a shameful flourish towards the sunlit land, a treacherous appeal to lurking death, to hidden evil, to the deep darkness of its heart. It was so shocking that I jumped to my feet and looked back at the edge of the forest, as if I expected some kind of answer to that black display of confidence. You know how ridiculous thoughts can sometimes come to mind. The high stillness confronted these two figures with its ominous patience, waiting for the end of a bizarre invasion.
"They swore aloud together—out of sheer fright, I believe—then pretending not to know anything of my existence, turned back to the station. The sun was low; and leaning forward side by side, they seemed to be tugging painfully uphill their two ridiculous shadows of unequal length, that trailed behind them slowly over the tall grass without bending a single blade.
"They shouted together—probably out of pure fear, I guess—then acted like they didn’t notice me at all and headed back to the station. The sun was setting; and leaning forward side by side, they looked like they were struggling to pull their two awkwardly long shadows uphill, which followed them slowly over the tall grass without even bending a single blade."
"In a few days the Eldorado Expedition went into the patient wilderness, that closed upon it as the sea closes over a diver. Long afterwards the news came that all the donkeys were dead. I know nothing as to the fate of the less valuable animals. They, no doubt, like the rest of us, found what they deserved. I did not inquire. I was then rather excited at the prospect of meeting Kurtz very soon. When I say very soon I mean it comparatively. It was just two months from the day we left the creek when we came to the bank below Kurtz's station.
"In a few days, the Eldorado Expedition entered the vast wilderness, which enveloped it like the sea swallows a diver. Much later, we heard that all the donkeys had died. I don't know what happened to the less valuable animals. They probably met a similar fate as the rest of us; they got what they deserved. I didn’t ask. At that point, I was quite excited about the chance to meet Kurtz soon. When I say soon, I mean it relatively. It was exactly two months from the day we left the creek when we reached the bank below Kurtz's station."
"Going up that river was like traveling back to the earliest beginnings of the world, when vegetation rioted on the earth and the big trees were kings. An empty stream, a great silence, an impenetrable forest. The air was warm, thick, heavy, sluggish. There was no joy in the brilliance of sunshine. The long stretches of the waterway ran on, deserted, into the gloom of overshadowed distances. On silvery sandbanks hippos and alligators sunned themselves side by side. The broadening waters flowed through a mob of wooded islands; you lost your way on that river as you would in a desert, and butted all day long against shoals, trying to find the channel, till you thought yourself bewitched and cut off for ever from everything you had known once—somewhere—far away—in another existence perhaps. There were moments when one's past came back to one, as it will sometimes when you have not a moment to spare to yourself; but it came in the shape of an unrestful and noisy dream, remembered with wonder amongst the overwhelming realities of this strange world of plants, and water, and silence. And this stillness of life did not in the least resemble a peace. It was the stillness of an implacable force brooding over an inscrutable intention. It looked at you with a vengeful aspect. I got used to it afterwards; I did not see it any more; I had no time. I had to keep guessing at the channel; I had to discern, mostly by inspiration, the signs of hidden banks; I watched for sunken stones; I was learning to clap my teeth smartly before my heart flew out, when I shaved by a fluke some infernal sly old snag that would have ripped the life out of the tin-pot steamboat and drowned all the pilgrims; I had to keep a look-out for the signs of dead wood we could cut up in the night for next day's steaming. When you have to attend to things of that sort, to the mere incidents of the surface, the reality—the reality, I tell you—fades. The inner truth is hidden—luckily, luckily. But I felt it all the same; I felt often its mysterious stillness watching me at my monkey tricks, just as it watches you fellows performing on your respective tight-ropes for—what is it? half-a-crown a tumble—"
"Traveling up that river felt like going back to the dawn of time when the earth was covered in wild vegetation and the massive trees ruled the land. It was an empty stream, a deep silence, and an unpassable forest. The air was warm, thick, heavy, and sluggish. There was no joy in the bright sunshine. The long stretches of water stretched on, abandoned, into the shadows of distant trees. On shimmering sandbanks, hippos and alligators lounged lazily. The wide waters flowed through a cluster of wooded islands; you could easily get lost on that river like you would in a desert, constantly bumping into shallow areas, trying to find the main channel, until you thought you were cursed and cut off forever from everything you once knew—somewhere—far away—in maybe another life. There were times when your past would come rushing back, as it sometimes does when you can’t spare even a second to yourself; but it came as a restless and noisy dream, remembered with awe amidst the overwhelming reality of this strange world of plants, water, and silence. And this stillness of life didn’t resemble peace at all. It was the stillness of a relentless force watching over an unfathomable purpose. It looked at you with a vengeful glare. I eventually got used to it; I stopped noticing it; I had no time. I had to keep figuring out the channel; I had to pick up the signs of hidden banks, mostly by instinct; I looked out for submerged rocks; I was learning to snap my teeth together quickly before my heart stopped when I barely navigated past some treacherous old snag that could have destroyed the little steamboat and drowned all the passengers; I had to keep an eye out for the signs of dead wood we could chop up at night for the next day’s journey. When you're focused on those things, on just the surface issues, the reality—the reality, I tell you—fades away. The deeper truth is concealed—thankfully, thankfully. But I felt it all the same; I often sensed its mysterious stillness observing me during my antics, just like it watches you guys performing on your respective tightropes for—what is it? half-a-crown a fall—"
"Try to be civil, Marlow," growled a voice, and I knew there was at least one listener awake besides myself.
"Try to be civil, Marlow," a voice growled, and I realized there was at least one other person awake besides me.
"I beg your pardon. I forgot the heartache which makes up the rest of the price. And indeed what does the price matter, if the trick be well done? You do your tricks very well. And I didn't do badly either, since I managed not to sink that steamboat on my first trip. It's a wonder to me yet. Imagine a blindfolded man set to drive a van over a bad road. I sweated and shivered over that business considerably, I can tell you. After all, for a seaman, to scrape the bottom of the thing that's supposed to float all the time under his care is the unpardonable sin. No one may know of it, but you never forget the thump—eh? A blow on the very heart. You remember it, you dream of it, you wake up at night and think of it—years after—and go hot and cold all over. I don't pretend to say that steamboat floated all the time. More than once she had to wade for a bit, with twenty cannibals splashing around and pushing. We had enlisted some of these chaps on the way for a crew. Fine fellows—cannibals—in their place. They were men one could work with, and I am grateful to them. And, after all, they did not eat each other before my face: they had brought along a provision of hippo-meat which went rotten, and made the mystery of the wilderness stink in my nostrils. Phoo! I can sniff it now. I had the manager on board and three or four pilgrims with their staves—all complete. Sometimes we came upon a station close by the bank, clinging to the skirts of the unknown, and the white men rushing out of a tumble-down hovel, with great gestures of joy and surprise and welcome, seemed very strange,—had the appearance of being held there captive by a spell. The word ivory would ring in the air for a while—and on we went again into the silence, along empty reaches, round the still bends, between the high walls of our winding way, reverberating in hollow claps the ponderous beat of the stern-wheel. Trees, trees, millions of trees, massive, immense, running up high; and at their foot, hugging the bank against the stream, crept the little begrimed steamboat, like a sluggish beetle crawling on the floor of a lofty portico. It made you feel very small, very lost, and yet it was not altogether depressing, that feeling. After all, if you were small, the grimy beetle crawled on—which was just what you wanted it to do. Where the pilgrims imagined it crawled to I don't know. To some place where they expected to get something, I bet! For me it crawled toward Kurtz—exclusively; but when the steam-pipes started leaking we crawled very slow. The reaches opened before us and closed behind, as if the forest had stepped leisurely across the water to bar the way for our return. We penetrated deeper and deeper into the heart of darkness. It was very quiet there. At night sometimes the roll of drums behind the curtain of trees would run up the river and remain sustained faintly, as if hovering in the air high over our heads, till the first break of day. Whether it meant war, peace, or prayer we could not tell. The dawns were heralded by the descent of a chill stillness; the woodcutters slept, their fires burned low; the snapping of a twig would make you start. We were wanderers on a prehistoric earth, on an earth that wore the aspect of an unknown planet. We could have fancied ourselves the first of men taking possession of an accursed inheritance, to be subdued at the cost of profound anguish and of excessive toil. But suddenly, as we struggled round a bend, there would be a glimpse of rush walls, of peaked grass-roofs, a burst of yells, a whirl of black limbs, a mass of hands clapping, of feet stamping, of bodies swaying, of eyes rolling, under the droop of heavy and motionless foliage. The steamer toiled along slowly on the edge of a black and incomprehensible frenzy. The prehistoric man was cursing us, praying to us, welcoming us—who could tell? We were cut off from the comprehension of our surroundings; we glided past like phantoms, wondering and secretly appalled, as sane men would be before an enthusiastic outbreak in a madhouse. We could not understand, because we were too far and could not remember, because we were traveling in the night of first ages, of those ages that are gone, leaving hardly a sign—and no memories.
"I’m sorry. I forgot about the heartache that makes up the rest of the cost. And really, what does the cost matter if the trick is done well? You do your tricks very well. And I didn’t do too poorly myself, since I managed not to wreck that steamboat on my first trip. It still amazes me. Imagine a blindfolded guy driving a van over a bad road. I sweated and shook over that quite a bit, I can tell you. For a seaman, scraping the bottom of something that’s supposed to float all the time is the worst sin. No one may know about it, but you never forget the thump—right? A blow to the very heart. You remember it, you dream about it, you wake up at night thinking about it—years later—and feel hot and cold all over. I won’t pretend that steamboat floated all the time. More than once it had to wade for a while, with twenty cannibals splashing around and pushing. We had picked up some of these guys as crew along the way. They were good fellows—cannibals—in their own way. They were men you could work with, and I’m thankful to them. And, after all, they didn’t eat each other in front of me: they had brought some hippo meat that went bad and made the mystery of the wilderness stink in my nose. Ugh! I can smell it now. I had the manager on board and three or four pilgrims with their staves—all set. Sometimes we’d come across a station close to the bank, hanging on the edge of the unknown, and the white men rushing out of a rundown shack, with big gestures of joy and surprise and welcome, seemed very strange—they looked like they were held captive by a spell. The word ivory would echo in the air for a while—and then we went on again into the silence, along empty stretches, around the still bends, between the tall walls of our winding way, echoing the heavy beat of the stern-wheel. Trees, trees, millions of trees, massive and towering; and at their base, hugging the bank against the stream, crawled the little dirty steamboat, like a sluggish beetle crawling across the floor of a grand portico. It made you feel very small, very lost, and yet that feeling wasn’t completely depressing. After all, if you were small, the grimy beetle crawled on—which was just what you wanted it to do. Where the pilgrims thought it crawled to, I don’t know. To some place where they figured they’d get something, I bet! For me, it crawled exclusively toward Kurtz; but when the steam pipes started leaking, we moved very slowly. The stretches opened in front of us and closed behind, as if the forest had slowly crossed the water to block our way back. We went deeper and deeper into the heart of darkness. It was very quiet there. At night sometimes the sound of drums behind the curtain of trees would travel up the river and linger faintly, as if hovering in the air high above us, until dawn. Whether it meant war, peace, or prayer we couldn’t tell. The dawns were marked by a chill stillness; the woodcutters slept, their fires burned low; the snap of a twig would make you jump. We were wanderers on a prehistoric earth, on a planet that felt completely unknown. We could have imagined ourselves the first humans claiming an accursed inheritance, to be conquered at the cost of deep anguish and immense labor. But suddenly, as we struggled around a bend, there would be a glimpse of grass walls, peaked thatched roofs, a burst of yells, a flurry of black limbs, a mass of clapping hands, stamping feet, swaying bodies, rolling eyes, underneath the heavy and unmoving foliage. The steamer labored slowly on the edge of a black and incomprehensible frenzy. The primitive man was cursing us, praying to us, welcoming us—who could tell? We were cut off from understanding our surroundings; we glided past like ghosts, wondering and secretly horrified, as sane people would be in the face of an enthusiastic outburst in a madhouse. We couldn’t understand because we were too far and couldn’t remember because we were traveling through the night of ancient times, of those ages that have passed, leaving hardly a trace—and no memories."
"The earth seemed unearthly. We are accustomed to look upon the shackled form of a conquered monster, but there—there you could look at a thing monstrous and free. It was unearthly, and the men were—No, they were not inhuman. Well, you know, that was the worst of it—this suspicion of their not being inhuman. It would come slowly to one. They howled, and leaped, and spun, and made horrid faces; but what thrilled you was just the thought of their humanity—like yours—the thought of your remote kinship with this wild and passionate uproar. Ugly. Yes, it was ugly enough; but if you were man enough you would admit to yourself that there was in you just the faintest trace of a response to the terrible frankness of that noise, a dim suspicion of there being a meaning in it which you—you so remote from the night of first ages—could comprehend. And why not? The mind of man is capable of anything—because everything is in it, all the past as well as all the future. What was there after all? Joy, fear, sorrow, devotion, valor, rage—who can tell?—but truth—truth stripped of its cloak of time. Let the fool gape and shudder—the man knows, and can look on without a wink. But he must at least be as much of a man as these on the shore. He must meet that truth with his own true stuff—with his own inborn strength. Principles? Principles won't do. Acquisitions, clothes, pretty rags—rags that would fly off at the first good shake. No; you want a deliberate belief. An appeal to me in this fiendish row—is there? Very well; I hear; I admit, but I have a voice too, and for good or evil mine is the speech that cannot be silenced. Of course, a fool, what with sheer fright and fine sentiments, is always safe. Who's that grunting? You wonder I didn't go ashore for a howl and a dance? Well, no—I didn't. Fine sentiments, you say? Fine sentiments, be hanged! I had no time. I had to mess about with white-lead and strips of woolen blanket helping to put bandages on those leaky steam-pipes—I tell you. I had to watch the steering, and circumvent those snags, and get the tin-pot along by hook or by crook. There was surface-truth enough in these things to save a wiser man. And between whiles I had to look after the savage who was fireman. He was an improved specimen; he could fire up a vertical boiler. He was there below me, and, upon my word, to look at him was as edifying as seeing a dog in a parody of breeches and a feather hat, walking on his hind-legs. A few months of training had done for that really fine chap. He squinted at the steam-gauge and at the water-gauge with an evident effort of intrepidity—and he had filed teeth too, the poor devil, and the wool of his pate shaved into queer patterns, and three ornamental scars on each of his cheeks. He ought to have been clapping his hands and stamping his feet on the bank, instead of which he was hard at work, a thrall to strange witchcraft, full of improving knowledge. He was useful because he had been instructed; and what he knew was this—that should the water in that transparent thing disappear, the evil spirit inside the boiler would get angry through the greatness of his thirst, and take a terrible vengeance. So he sweated and fired up and watched the glass fearfully (with an impromptu charm, made of rags, tied to his arm, and a piece of polished bone, as big as a watch, stuck flatways through his lower lip), while the wooded banks slipped past us slowly, the short noise was left behind, the interminable miles of silence—and we crept on, towards Kurtz. But the snags were thick, the water was treacherous and shallow, the boiler seemed indeed to have a sulky devil in it, and thus neither that fireman nor I had any time to peer into our creepy thoughts.
The earth felt otherworldly. We’re used to seeing the beaten-down form of a conquered beast, but there—there you could witness something monstrous yet free. It was surreal, and the men weren’t—No, they weren’t inhuman. Well, that was the troubling part—this nagging feeling that they were not inhuman. It gradually dawned on you. They howled, jumped, spun, and made grotesque faces; but what sent a chill down your spine was the realization of their humanity—just like yours—the thought of your distant connection with this wild, chaotic uproar. Ugly. Yes, it was ugly enough; but if you were brave enough, you’d admit that there was the faintest hint of a response to the sheer honesty of that noise, a vague intuition that it held a meaning that you—you so far removed from the dawn of time—could grasp. And why not? The human mind can encompass anything—because it contains everything, both the past and the future. What was there, after all? Joy, fear, sorrow, devotion, bravery, rage—who knows?—but truth—truth unmasked by time. Let the fool stare and tremble—the man knows and can look on without flinching. But he has to be at least as much a man as those on the shore. He must confront that truth with his own true essence—with his own innate strength. Principles? Principles won’t cut it. Acquisitions, clothing, pretty scraps—scraps that would fall away at the first good shake. No; you need a conscious belief. An appeal to me in this chaotic racket—is there? Fine; I hear you; I accept it, but I have a voice too, and for better or worse, mine is the voice that cannot be silenced. Of course, a fool, caught up in sheer terror and lofty ideals, always feels secure. Who's that grunting? You wonder why I didn’t go ashore to howl and dance? Well, no—I didn’t. Lofty ideas, you say? To hell with them! I had no time for that. I had to deal with white lead and strips of woolen blankets, helping to put bandages on those leaky steam pipes—I tell you. I had to steer the boat, avoid obstacles, and get the tin can moving by any means necessary. There was enough surface truth in these tasks to satisfy a wiser man. And in between, I had to keep an eye on the savage who was the fireman. He was an improved version; he could stoke a vertical boiler. He was below me, and, honestly, watching him was as enlightening as seeing a dog in a parody of pants and a feathered hat walking on its hind legs. A few months of training had transformed that really fine guy. He squinted at the steam gauge and the water gauge, trying hard to look brave—and he even had filed teeth, the poor guy, with the hair on his head shaved into strange patterns and three decorative scars on each cheek. He should have been clapping his hands and dancing on the bank, but instead he was working hard, a servant to strange magic, filled with newfound knowledge. He was useful because he had been trained; and what he understood was this—that if the water in that clear gauge vanished, the malevolent spirit inside the boiler would get furious from its thirst and take terrible revenge. So he sweated and stoked the fire, watching the gauge anxiously (with a makeshift charm made of rags tied to his arm and a piece of polished bone, the size of a watch, embedded flatly through his lower lip), while the wooded banks drifted slowly past us, the brief noise faded away, the endless miles of silence—and we crept on, toward Kurtz. But the hazards were thick, the water was tricky and shallow, the boiler really did seem to harbor a sulky spirit, and neither that fireman nor I had any time to brood over our unsettling thoughts.
"Some fifty miles below the Inner Station we came upon a hut of reeds, an inclined and melancholy pole, with the unrecognizable tatters of what had been a flag of some sort flying from it, and a neatly stacked woodpile. This was unexpected. We came to the bank, and on the stack of firewood found a flat piece of board with some faded pencil-writing on it. When deciphered it said: 'Wood for you. Hurry up. Approach cautiously.' There was a signature, but it was illegible—not Kurtz—a much longer word. 'Hurry up.' Where? Up the river? 'Approach cautiously.' We had not done so. But the warning could not have been meant for the place where it could be only found after approach. Something was wrong above. But what—and how much? That was the question. We commented adversely upon the imbecility of that telegraphic style. The bush around said nothing, and would not let us look very far, either. A torn curtain of red twill hung in the doorway of the hut, and flapped sadly in our faces. The dwelling was dismantled; but we could see a white man had lived there not very long ago. There remained a rude table—a plank on two posts; a heap of rubbish reposed in a dark corner, and by the door I picked up a book. It had lost its covers, and the pages had been thumbed into a state of extremely dirty softness; but the back had been lovingly stitched afresh with white cotton thread, which looked clean yet. It was an extraordinary find. Its title was, 'An Inquiry into some Points of Seamanship,' by a man Tower, Towson—some such name—Master in his Majesty's Navy. The matter looked dreary reading enough, with illustrative diagrams and repulsive tables of figures, and the copy was sixty years old. I handled this amazing antiquity with the greatest possible tenderness, lest it should dissolve in my hands. Within, Towson or Towser was inquiring earnestly into the breaking strain of ships' chains and tackle, and other such matters. Not a very enthralling book; but at the first glance you could see there a singleness of intention, an honest concern for the right way of going to work, which made these humble pages, thought out so many years ago, luminous with another than a professional light. The simple old sailor, with his talk of chains and purchases, made me forget the jungle and the pilgrims in a delicious sensation of having come upon something unmistakably real. Such a book being there was wonderful enough; but still more astounding were the notes penciled in the margin, and plainly referring to the text. I couldn't believe my eyes! They were in cipher! Yes, it looked like cipher. Fancy a man lugging with him a book of that description into this nowhere and studying it—and making notes—in cipher at that! It was an extravagant mystery.
About fifty miles below the Inner Station, we stumbled upon a hut made of reeds, with a slanted, sad-looking pole carrying what appeared to be the tattered remnants of a flag, and a neatly stacked pile of firewood. This was unexpected. We approached the riverbank, where we found a flat piece of wood resting on the pile of firewood, with some faded pencil writing on it. Once we managed to read it, it said: 'Wood for you. Hurry up. Approach cautiously.' There was a signature, but it was illegible—not Kurtz—a much longer name. 'Hurry up.' Where? Up the river? 'Approach cautiously.' We hadn't done that. But the warning couldn’t have been meant for the very place we had found it. Something was off upstream. But what—and how serious? That was the question. We remarked on the foolishness of that telegraphic style. The bush around us revealed nothing and wouldn’t let us see very far, either. A torn curtain of red fabric hung in the hut’s doorway, flapping sadly in our faces. The place looked abandoned, but it was clear a white man had lived there not too long ago. There was a crude table—a plank on two posts; a pile of junk rested in a dark corner, and by the door, I picked up a book. It had lost its covers, and the pages were incredibly dirty and worn; however, the spine had been carefully stitched back together with clean white thread. It was an extraordinary find. Its title was, 'An Inquiry into some Points of Seamanship,' by a man named Tower, Towson—something like that—Master in His Majesty's Navy. The content looked pretty dull, filled with diagrams and unpleasant tables of figures, and the copy was sixty years old. I handled this amazing piece of history with utmost care, afraid it might crumble in my hands. Inside, Towson or Towser was earnestly discussing the breaking strain of ships' chains and tackle, among other topics. Not exactly gripping reading; but at first glance, you could sense a strong dedication and genuine concern for doing things the right way, which made these humble pages, penned so long ago, glow with more than just professional insight. The straightforward old sailor, with his discussions on chains and equipment, made me forget the jungle and the pilgrims, filling me with a delightful feeling of having discovered something undeniably real. The mere presence of such a book was incredible; even more astounding were the notes scribbled in the margins, clearly referencing the text. I couldn’t believe my eyes! They looked like a code! Yes, it seemed like a code. Can you imagine a man carrying a book like that to this remote place, studying it—and taking notes—in code, no less? It was an extravagant mystery.
"I had been dimly aware for some time of a worrying noise, and when I lifted my eyes I saw the wood-pile was gone, and the manager, aided by all the pilgrims, was shouting at me from the river-side. I slipped the book into my pocket. I assure you to leave off reading was like tearing myself away from the shelter of an old and solid friendship.
"I had been vaguely aware of a troubling noise for a while, and when I looked up, I noticed the woodpile was gone, and the manager, along with all the pilgrims, was yelling at me from the riverbank. I stuffed the book into my pocket. I promise you, putting down the book felt like breaking away from the comfort of an old and sturdy friendship."
"I started the lame engine ahead. 'It must be this miserable trader—this intruder,' exclaimed the manager, looking back malevolently at the place we had left. 'He must be English,' I said. 'It will not save him from getting into trouble if he is not careful,' muttered the manager darkly. I observed with assumed innocence that no man was safe from trouble in this world.
"I started the clunky engine. 'It must be this pathetic trader—this intruder,' the manager said, glancing back at the place we had just left with a harsh look. 'He’s got to be English,' I replied. 'It won’t protect him from getting into trouble if he’s not careful,' the manager murmured grimly. I pretended to be innocent as I pointed out that no one is safe from trouble in this world."
"The current was more rapid now, the steamer seemed at her last gasp, the stern-wheel flopped languidly, and I caught myself listening on tiptoe for the next beat of the boat, for in sober truth I expected the wretched thing to give up every moment. It was like watching the last flickers of a life. But still we crawled. Sometimes I would pick out a tree a little way ahead to measure our progress towards Kurtz by, but I lost it invariably before we got abreast. To keep the eyes so long on one thing was too much for human patience. The manager displayed a beautiful resignation. I fretted and fumed and took to arguing with myself whether or no I would talk openly with Kurtz; but before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my power of meddling.
The current was flowing faster now, the steamer seemed on its last legs, the stern-wheel flopped weakly, and I found myself straining to hear the next beat of the boat, because honestly, I expected that miserable thing to fail any moment. It felt like watching the last flickers of life. Yet still we inched along. Sometimes I would spot a tree up ahead to track our progress toward Kurtz, but I always lost it before we passed by. Keeping my eyes on one thing for too long was too much for anyone's patience. The manager showed a calm acceptance. I stressed and argued with myself about whether I should openly talk to Kurtz; but before I could decide, it hit me that my words or silence, really any action of mine, would be pointless. What did it matter what anyone knew or didn’t know? What did it matter who was managing? Sometimes you get a sudden clarity. The core of this situation lay far beneath the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my ability to influence.
"Towards the evening of the second day we judged ourselves about eight miles from Kurtz's station. I wanted to push on; but the manager looked grave, and told me the navigation up there was so dangerous that it would be advisable, the sun being very low already, to wait where we were till next morning. Moreover, he pointed out that if the warning to approach cautiously were to be followed, we must approach in daylight—not at dusk, or in the dark. This was sensible enough. Eight miles meant nearly three hours' steaming for us, and I could also see suspicious ripples at the upper end of the reach. Nevertheless, I was annoyed beyond expression at the delay, and most unreasonably too, since one night more could not matter much after so many months. As we had plenty of wood, and caution was the word, I brought up in the middle of the stream. The reach was narrow, straight, with high sides like a railway cutting. The dusk came gliding into it long before the sun had set. The current ran smooth and swift, but a dumb immobility sat on the banks. The living trees, lashed together by the creepers and every living bush of the undergrowth, might have been changed into stone, even to the slenderest twig, to the lightest leaf. It was not sleep—it seemed unnatural, like a state of trance. Not the faintest sound of any kind could be heard. You looked on amazed, and began to suspect yourself of being deaf—then the night came suddenly, and struck you blind as well. About three in the morning some large fish leaped, and the loud splash made me jump as though a gun had been fired. When the sun rose there was a white fog, very warm and clammy, and more blinding than the night. It did not shift or drive; it was just there, standing all round you like something solid. At eight or nine, perhaps, it lifted as a shutter lifts. We had a glimpse of the towering multitude of trees, of the immense matted jungle, with the blazing little ball of the sun hanging over it—all perfectly still—and then the white shutter came down again, smoothly, as if sliding in greased grooves. I ordered the chain, which we had begun to heave in, to be paid out again. Before it stopped running with a muffled rattle, a cry, a very loud cry, as of infinite desolation, soared slowly in the opaque air. It ceased. A complaining clamor, modulated in savage discords, filled our ears. The sheer unexpectedness of it made my hair stir under my cap. I don't know how it struck the others: to me it seemed as though the mist itself had screamed, so suddenly, and apparently from all sides at once, did this tumultuous and mournful uproar arise. It culminated in a hurried outbreak of almost intolerably excessive shrieking, which stopped short, leaving us stiffened in a variety of silly attitudes, and obstinately listening to the nearly as appalling and excessive silence. 'Good God! What is the meaning—?' stammered at my elbow one of the pilgrims,—a little fat man, with sandy hair and red whiskers, who wore side-spring boots, and pink pyjamas tucked into his socks. Two others remained open-mouthed a whole minute, then dashed into the little cabin, to rush out incontinently and stand darting scared glances, with Winchesters at 'ready' in their hands. What we could see was just the steamer we were on, her outlines blurred as though she had been on the point of dissolving, and a misty strip of water, perhaps two feet broad, around her—and that was all. The rest of the world was nowhere, as far as our eyes and ears were concerned. Just nowhere. Gone, disappeared; swept off without leaving a whisper or a shadow behind.
"By the evening of the second day, we figured we were about eight miles from Kurtz's station. I wanted to keep going, but the manager looked serious and told me that the navigation up there was really risky, so it would be better to wait until the next morning since the sun was already low. He also pointed out that if we were to take the warning to approach carefully seriously, we needed to do it in daylight—not at dusk or in the dark. That made sense. Eight miles meant almost three hours of steaming for us, and I could see some suspicious ripples ahead. Still, I was incredibly annoyed by the delay, and it was unreasonable of me too, considering that one more night wouldn’t matter after so many months. Since we had plenty of wood and ‘caution’ was the motto, I decided to stop in the middle of the stream. The reach was narrow and straight, with high banks like a railway cutting. Dusk settled in long before the sun had set. The current was smooth and swift, but the banks were eerily still. The living trees, tangled together by vines and every bush in the undergrowth, looked almost like stone—even the thinnest twigs, the lightest leaves. It wasn’t sleep—it felt unnatural, like being in a trance. There wasn't the slightest sound. You looked around in amazement, beginning to doubt your hearing—then night fell suddenly, leaving you blind too. Around three in the morning, some large fish jumped, and the loud splash jolted me as if a gun had gone off. When the sun rose, there was a warm, clammy fog, even more blinding than the night. It didn’t shift or move; it was just there, surrounding you like something solid. By eight or nine, it lifted like a shutter. We caught a glimpse of the towering trees, the vast matted jungle, with the bright ball of the sun hanging above it—all completely still—then the white fog came down again, sliding smoothly as if on greased tracks. I ordered the chain we had started to haul in to be let out again. Before it could completely stop with a muffled rattle, a loud cry, filled with infinite desolation, soared slowly into the thick air. It faded away. A distressed clamor, filled with harsh dissonance, filled our ears. The sheer surprise of it made my hair stand up under my cap. I don’t know how it affected the others; to me, it felt like the mist itself had screamed, so suddenly, and seemingly from all sides at once, did this chaotic and mournful uproar arise. It peaked with a burst of almost unbearable shrieking that abruptly stopped, leaving us frozen in various silly positions, stubbornly listening to the nearly as terrifying and overwhelming silence. 'Good God! What does this mean—?' stammered one of the pilgrims beside me—a little chubby guy with sandy hair and red whiskers, wearing side-spring boots and pink pajamas tucked into his socks. Two others stood there, mouths agape for a whole minute before rushing into the little cabin, then running out again, darting scared glances around with their Winchesters at the ready. All we could see was the steamer we were on, her outline fuzzy as if she were about to dissolve, and a misty strip of water, maybe two feet wide, around her—and that was it. The rest of the world was nowhere, as far as we could see and hear. Just nowhere. Gone, disappeared; swept away without leaving a whisper or a trace behind."
"I went forward, and ordered the chain to be hauled in short, so as to be ready to trip the anchor and move the steamboat at once if necessary. 'Will they attack?' whispered an awed voice. 'We will all be butchered in this fog,' murmured another. The faces twitched with the strain, the hands trembled slightly, the eyes forgot to wink. It was very curious to see the contrast of expressions of the white men and of the black fellows of our crew, who were as much strangers to that part of the river as we, though their homes were only eight hundred miles away. The whites, of course greatly discomposed, had besides a curious look of being painfully shocked by such an outrageous row. The others had an alert, naturally interested expression; but their faces were essentially quiet, even those of the one or two who grinned as they hauled at the chain. Several exchanged short, grunting phrases, which seemed to settle the matter to their satisfaction. Their headman, a young, broad-chested black, severely draped in dark-blue fringed cloths, with fierce nostrils and his hair all done up artfully in oily ringlets, stood near me. 'Aha!' I said, just for good fellowship's sake. 'Catch 'im,' he snapped, with a bloodshot widening of his eyes and a flash of sharp teeth—'catch 'im. Give 'im to us.' 'To you, eh?' I asked; 'what would you do with them?' 'Eat 'im!' he said curtly, and, leaning his elbow on the rail, looked out into the fog in a dignified and profoundly pensive attitude. I would no doubt have been properly horrified, had it not occurred to me that he and his chaps must be very hungry: that they must have been growing increasingly hungry for at least this month past. They had been engaged for six months (I don't think a single one of them had any clear idea of time, as we at the end of countless ages have. They still belonged to the beginnings of time—had no inherited experience to teach them as it were), and of course, as long as there was a piece of paper written over in accordance with some farcical law or other made down the river, it didn't enter anybody's head to trouble how they would live. Certainly they had brought with them some rotten hippo-meat, which couldn't have lasted very long, anyway, even if the pilgrims hadn't, in the midst of a shocking hullabaloo, thrown a considerable quantity of it overboard. It looked like a high-handed proceeding; but it was really a case of legitimate self-defense. You can't breathe dead hippo waking, sleeping, and eating, and at the same time keep your precarious grip on existence. Besides that, they had given them every week three pieces of brass wire, each about nine inches long; and the theory was they were to buy their provisions with that currency in river-side villages. You can see how that worked. There were either no villages, or the people were hostile, or the director, who like the rest of us fed out of tins, with an occasional old he-goat thrown in, didn't want to stop the steamer for some more or less recondite reason. So, unless they swallowed the wire itself, or made loops of it to snare the fishes with, I don't see what good their extravagant salary could be to them. I must say it was paid with a regularity worthy of a large and honorable trading company. For the rest, the only thing to eat—though it didn't look eatable in the least—I saw in their possession was a few lumps of some stuff like half-cooked dough, of a dirty lavender color, they kept wrapped in leaves, and now and then swallowed a piece of, but so small that it seemed done more for the looks of the thing than for any serious purpose of sustenance. Why in the name of all the gnawing devils of hunger they didn't go for us—they were thirty to five—and have a good tuck in for once, amazes me now when I think of it. They were big powerful men, with not much capacity to weigh the consequences, with courage, with strength, even yet, though their skins were no longer glossy and their muscles no longer hard. And I saw that something restraining, one of those human secrets that baffle probability, had come into play there. I looked at them with a swift quickening of interest—not because it occurred to me I might be eaten by them before very long, though I own to you that just then I perceived—in a new light, as it were—how unwholesome the pilgrims looked, and I hoped, yes, I positively hoped, that my aspect was not so—what shall I say?—so—unappetizing: a touch of fantastic vanity which fitted well with the dream-sensation that pervaded all my days at that time. Perhaps I had a little fever too. One can't live with one's finger everlastingly on one's pulse. I had often 'a little fever,' or a little touch of other things—the playful paw-strokes of the wilderness, the preliminary trifling before the more serious onslaught which came in due course. Yes; I looked at them as you would on any human being, with a curiosity of their impulses, motives, capacities, weaknesses, when brought to the test of an inexorable physical necessity. Restraint! What possible restraint? Was it superstition, disgust, patience, fear—or some kind of primitive honor? No fear can stand up to hunger, no patience can wear it out, disgust simply does not exist where hunger is; and as to superstition, beliefs, and what you may call principles, they are less than chaff in a breeze. Don't you know the devilry of lingering starvation, its exasperating torment, its black thoughts, its somber and brooding ferocity? Well, I do. It takes a man all his inborn strength to fight hunger properly. It's really easier to face bereavement, dishonor, and the perdition of one's soul—than this kind of prolonged hunger. Sad, but true. And these chaps too had no earthly reason for any kind of scruple. Restraint! I would just as soon have expected restraint from a hyena prowling amongst the corpses of a battlefield. But there was the fact facing me—the fact dazzling, to be seen, like the foam on the depths of the sea, like a ripple on an unfathomable enigma, a mystery greater—when I thought of it—than the curious, inexplicable note of desperate grief in this savage clamor that had swept by us on the river-bank, behind the blind whiteness of the fog.
I moved forward and ordered the chain to be pulled in tight, so we could quickly trip the anchor and move the steamboat if necessary. “Will they attack?” whispered an anxious voice. “We’ll all be slaughtered in this fog,” muttered another. The faces tensed with the pressure, hands trembled slightly, and eyes barely blinked. It was fascinating to see the contrasting expressions of the white men and the black crew members who were just as unfamiliar with this part of the river as we were, even though their homes were only eight hundred miles away. The white crew was obviously disturbed and seemed painfully shocked by the outrageous noisemaking. The others, though, had an alert, naturally curious look, but their faces remained essentially calm, even those who grinned as they pulled on the chain. Several exchanged short, grunting phrases that seemed to settle things to their satisfaction. Their leader, a young, broad-chested black man draped in dark-blue fringed cloth, with fierce nostrils and his hair styled in oily ringlets, stood near me. “Aha!” I said, just for the sake of camaraderie. “Catch him,” he snapped, his eyes widening with a bloodshot intensity and revealing sharp teeth—“catch him. Give him to us.” “To you, huh?” I asked; “what would you do with him?” “Eat him!” he replied curtly, leaning on the rail and gazing into the fog in a dignified and deeply contemplative manner. I would probably have been horrified if it hadn’t struck me that he and his crew must be very hungry: they must have been getting hungrier over the past month. They had been working for six months (I doubt any of them had a clear sense of time as we have at the end of countless ages. They still belonged to the dawn of time—without inherited experience to guide them)—and as long as there was a piece of paper written according to some ridiculous law made downriver, nobody seemed to care how they would survive. They had brought with them some rotten hippo meat, which couldn’t have lasted long anyway, even if the crew hadn't thrown a significant amount of it overboard in the midst of a shocking uproar. It seemed quite excessive, but it was really a matter of self-defense. You can’t breathe rotting hippo meat while trying to maintain a fragile grip on life. Besides that, they'd been given three pieces of brass wire each week, each about nine inches long, with the idea that they could buy provisions in riverside villages with that currency. You can imagine how that worked out. There were either no villages, or the locals were hostile, or the director, who, like the rest of us, fed from tins with the occasional old goat thrown in, didn’t want to stop the steamer for some obscure reason. So, unless they swallowed the wire itself or used it to make fish traps, I can't see what good their high salary was to them. I must say, their pay was handed out with the regularity of a large and respectable trading company. As for food, the only thing that looked at all edible that I saw them with was some lumps of a sticky half-cooked dough, a dirty lavender color, wrapped in leaves, which they occasionally swallowed tiny pieces of, but it seemed more for show than for serious sustenance. Why they didn’t just attack us—I mean, they were thirty to five—and have a good meal puzzled me when I think back on it. They were big, strong men, not particularly capable of weighing the consequences, with courage and strength left in them, even though their skin wasn’t shiny anymore and their muscles were no longer firm. And I realized that something was holding them back, one of those human mysteries that defy reason. I looked at them with a renewed curiosity—not because I thought I might be eaten soon, though I admit that at that moment I realized—in a new way, as it were—how unwholesome the pilgrims looked, and I hoped, yes, I actually hoped, that I didn’t appear so—how should I put it?—so—unappetizing: a touch of fantastical vanity mixed with the dreamlike sensation that enveloped my days at that time. Perhaps I had a little fever too. One can’t always be monitoring one’s pulse. I often had 'a little fever,' or some other minor ailment—the playful touches of the wilderness, the preliminary skirmishing before the serious assault that would eventually come. Yes; I regarded them as I would any human being, curious about their impulses, motives, capacities, and weaknesses when forced by an unforgiving physical necessity. Restraint! What kind of restraint? Was it superstition, disgust, patience, fear—or some form of primitive honor? No fear can withstand hunger, no patience can endure it, and disgust simply doesn’t exist when hunger is present; as for superstition, beliefs, and what you might call principles, they are like dust in the wind. Don’t you understand the torment of lingering starvation, its maddening agony, its dark thoughts, its somber and brooding violence? Well, I do. It takes all of a person’s innate strength to properly combat hunger. It’s honestly easier to face loss, dishonor, and the ruin of one's soul—than this kind of relentless hunger. Sad, but true. And these men had no reason for any kind of scruple. Restraint! I would expect restraint from a hyena prowling among the corpses on a battlefield. But there it was—the glaring fact, visible like foam on the ocean depth, like a ripple across an unfathomable mystery, a mystery greater—when I thought of it—than the strange, inexplicable note of desperate sorrow in this savage commotion that had rushed past us on the riverbank, behind the stark whiteness of the fog.
"Two pilgrims were quarreling in hurried whispers as to which bank. 'Left.' 'No, no; how can you? Right, right, of course.' 'It is very serious,' said the manager's voice behind me; 'I would be desolated if anything should happen to Mr. Kurtz before we came up.' I looked at him, and had not the slightest doubt he was sincere. He was just the kind of man who would wish to preserve appearances. That was his restraint. But when he muttered something about going on at once, I did not even take the trouble to answer him. I knew, and he knew, that it was impossible. Were we to let go our hold of the bottom, we would be absolutely in the air—in space. We wouldn't be able to tell where we were going to—whether up or down stream, or across—till we fetched against one bank or the other,—and then we wouldn't know at first which it was. Of course I made no move. I had no mind for a smash-up. You couldn't imagine a more deadly place for a shipwreck. Whether drowned at once or not, we were sure to perish speedily in one way or another. 'I authorize you to take all the risks,' he said, after a short silence. 'I refuse to take any,' I said shortly; which was just the answer he expected, though its tone might have surprised him. 'Well, I must defer to your judgment. You are captain,' he said, with marked civility. I turned my shoulder to him in sign of my appreciation, and looked into the fog. How long would it last? It was the most hopeless look-out. The approach to this Kurtz grubbing for ivory in the wretched bush was beset by as many dangers as though he had been an enchanted princess sleeping in a fabulous castle. 'Will they attack, do you think?' asked the manager, in a confidential tone.
"Two travelers were whispering urgently about which bank to choose. 'Left.' 'No, no; how can you say that? Right, right, of course.' 'This is very serious,' said the manager's voice behind me; 'I would be devastated if anything happened to Mr. Kurtz before we arrived.' I glanced at him and had no doubt he was genuine. He was exactly the kind of person who would want to keep up appearances. That was his self-control. But when he mumbled something about moving on immediately, I didn’t even bother to respond. I knew, and he knew, it was impossible. If we let go of the bottom, we would be completely adrift—in the air. We wouldn’t have any idea where we were headed—whether upstream, downstream, or across—until we hit one bank or the other, and even then we wouldn’t know right away which it was. Of course, I made no move. I had no desire for a disaster. You couldn't imagine a more lethal place for a shipwreck. Whether we drowned immediately or not, we were sure to die quickly one way or another. 'I authorize you to take all the risks,' he said after a brief silence. 'I refuse to take any,' I replied curtly, which was exactly the answer he anticipated, though the tone might have surprised him. 'Well, I must defer to your judgment. You are the captain,' he said politely. I turned my shoulder to him as a sign of my acknowledgment and stared into the fog. How long would it last? It was the most hopeless outlook. The way to this Kurtz, digging for ivory in the miserable bush, was fraught with as many dangers as if he were a cursed princess sleeping in a legendary castle. 'Do you think they'll attack?' the manager asked in a confidential tone."
"I did not think they would attack, for several obvious reasons. The thick fog was one. If they left the bank in their canoes they would get lost in it, as we would be if we attempted to move. Still, I had also judged the jungle of both banks quite impenetrable—and yet eyes were in it, eyes that had seen us. The river-side bushes were certainly very thick; but the undergrowth behind was evidently penetrable. However, during the short lift I had seen no canoes anywhere in the reach—certainly not abreast of the steamer. But what made the idea of attack inconceivable to me was the nature of the noise—of the cries we had heard. They had not the fierce character boding of immediate hostile intention. Unexpected, wild, and violent as they had been, they had given me an irresistible impression of sorrow. The glimpse of the steamboat had for some reason filled those savages with unrestrained grief. The danger, if any, I expounded, was from our proximity to a great human passion let loose. Even extreme grief may ultimately vent itself in violence—but more generally takes the form of apathy. . . .
"I didn't think they would attack for several obvious reasons. The thick fog was one. If they left the bank in their canoes, they would get lost in it, just like we would if we tried to move. Still, I had also thought the jungle on both sides was impassable—and yet there were eyes watching us. The bushes by the river were certainly thick, but the underbrush behind them seemed passable. However, during the brief moment I had looked, I saw no canoes anywhere in the area—not next to the steamer, for sure. What made the idea of an attack seem impossible to me was the nature of the noise—the cries we had heard. They didn’t have the fierce tone that suggested immediate aggression. Unexpected, wild, and violent as they were, they gave me a strong sense of sorrow. For some reason, the sight of the steamboat had filled those savages with unrestrained grief. The danger, if any, I thought, came from being close to a strong human emotion unleashed. Even extreme grief can eventually lead to violence—but more often it results in apathy..."
"You should have seen the pilgrims stare! They had no heart to grin, or even to revile me; but I believe they thought me gone mad—with fright, maybe. I delivered a regular lecture. My dear boys, it was no good bothering. Keep a look-out? Well, you may guess I watched the fog for the signs of lifting as a cat watches a mouse; but for anything else our eyes were of no more use to us than if we had been buried miles deep in a heap of cotton-wool. It felt like it too—choking, warm, stifling. Besides, all I said, though it sounded extravagant, was absolutely true to fact. What we afterwards alluded to as an attack was really an attempt at repulse. The action was very far from being aggressive—it was not even defensive, in the usual sense: it was undertaken under the stress of desperation, and in its essence was purely protective.
"You should have seen the pilgrims stare! They couldn't even smile or insult me; I think they believed I had gone mad—from fear, perhaps. I gave a serious lecture. My dear boys, it was useless to worry. Keep an eye out? You can guess I was watching the fog for signs of it lifting like a cat watching a mouse; but for anything else, our eyes were as useless as if we had been buried miles deep in cotton wool. It felt like that too—choking, warm, oppressive. Besides, everything I said, although it sounded extreme, was completely true. What we later referred to as an attack was really an attempt to push back. The action was far from aggressive—it wasn’t even defensive, in the usual way: it was done out of desperation, and at its core, it was purely protective."
"It developed itself, I should say, two hours after the fog lifted, and its commencement was at a spot, roughly speaking, about a mile and a half below Kurtz's station. We had just floundered and flopped round a bend, when I saw an islet, a mere grassy hummock of bright green, in the middle of the stream. It was the only thing of the kind; but as we opened the reach more, I perceived it was the head of a long sandbank, or rather of a chain of shallow patches stretching down the middle of the river. They were discolored, just awash, and the whole lot was seen just under the water, exactly as a man's backbone is seen running down the middle of his back under the skin. Now, as far as I did see, I could go to the right or to the left of this. I didn't know either channel, of course. The banks looked pretty well alike, the depth appeared the same; but as I had been informed the station was on the west side, I naturally headed for the western passage.
"It started, I should say, two hours after the fog lifted, and it began at a spot, roughly speaking, about a mile and a half below Kurtz's station. We had just struggled and jostled around a bend when I spotted an islet, a small grassy mound of bright green, in the middle of the stream. It was the only thing of its kind; but as we opened up the view, I realized it was the start of a long sandbank, or rather a series of shallow patches extending down the river. They were discolored, barely above water, and you could see them just under the surface, like a person's backbone visible under the skin. Now, as far as I could see, I could go to the right or to the left of this. I didn't know either channel, of course. The banks looked pretty much the same, and the depth seemed equal; but since I had been told the station was on the west side, I naturally aimed for the western passage."
"No sooner had we fairly entered it than I became aware it was much narrower than I had supposed. To the left of us there was the long uninterrupted shoal, and to the right a high, steep bank heavily overgrown with bushes. Above the bush the trees stood in serried ranks. The twigs overhung the current thickly, and from distance to distance a large limb of some tree projected rigidly over the stream. It was then well on in the afternoon, the face of the forest was gloomy, and a broad strip of shadow had already fallen on the water. In this shadow we steamed up—very slowly, as you may imagine. I sheered her well inshore—the water being deepest near the bank, as the sounding-pole informed me.
"No sooner had we entered than I realized it was much narrower than I thought. To our left was the long, uninterrupted shoal, and to our right, a high, steep bank densely covered with bushes. Above the bushes, the trees stood in tight formation. The branches hung thickly over the current, and every so often, a large limb from some tree jutted rigidly over the stream. It was late afternoon, the forest looked gloomy, and a wide strip of shadow had already fallen on the water. In this shadow, we moved upstream—very slowly, as you can imagine. I steered her well inshore—the water being deepest near the bank, as the sounding-pole indicated."
"One of my hungry and forbearing friends was sounding in the bows just below me. This steamboat was exactly like a decked scow. On the deck there were two little teak-wood houses, with doors and windows. The boiler was in the fore-end, and the machinery right astern. Over the whole there was a light roof, supported on stanchions. The funnel projected through that roof, and in front of the funnel a small cabin built of light planks served for a pilot-house. It contained a couch, two camp-stools, a loaded Martini-Henry leaning in one corner, a tiny table, and the steering-wheel. It had a wide door in front and a broad shutter at each side. All these were always thrown open, of course. I spent my days perched up there on the extreme fore-end of that roof, before the door. At night I slept, or tried to, on the couch. An athletic black belonging to some coast tribe, and educated by my poor predecessor, was the helmsman. He sported a pair of brass earrings, wore a blue cloth wrapper from the waist to the ankles, and thought all the world of himself. He was the most unstable kind of fool I had ever seen. He steered with no end of a swagger while you were by; but if he lost sight of you, he became instantly the prey of an abject funk, and would let that cripple of a steamboat get the upper hand of him in a minute.
One of my hungry and patient friends was checking the bow just below me. This steamboat looked exactly like a decked flatboat. On the deck, there were two small teak-wood cabins, complete with doors and windows. The boiler was at the front, and the machinery was at the back. A light roof supported by columns covered the whole thing. The funnel stuck out through that roof, and in front of the funnel, a small cabin made of light planks served as the pilot house. It had a couch, two camp chairs, a loaded Martini-Henry leaning in one corner, a small table, and the steering wheel. The front had a wide door, and there was a broad shutter on each side. All of these were always wide open, of course. I spent my days sitting up there at the very front of that roof, right by the door. At night, I either slept or tried to sleep on the couch. An athletic Black man from a local tribe, trained by my unfortunate predecessor, was the helmsman. He wore a pair of brass earrings and a blue fabric wrap that went from his waist to his ankles, thinking highly of himself. He was the most unreliable kind of fool I had ever encountered. He steered with a lot of swagger while you were around; but if he lost sight of you, he quickly became a nervous wreck and would let that shabby steamboat take control in no time.
"I was looking down at the sounding-pole, and feeling much annoyed to see at each try a little more of it stick out of that river, when I saw my poleman give up the business suddenly, and stretch himself flat on the deck, without even taking the trouble to haul his pole in. He kept hold on it though, and it trailed in the water. At the same time the fireman, whom I could also see below me, sat down abruptly before his furnace and ducked his head. I was amazed. Then I had to look at the river mighty quick, because there was a snag in the fairway. Sticks, little sticks, were flying about—thick: they were whizzing before my nose, dropping below me, striking behind me against my pilot-house. All this time the river, the shore, the woods, were very quiet—perfectly quiet. I could only hear the heavy splashing thump of the stern-wheel and the patter of these things. We cleared the snag clumsily. Arrows, by Jove! We were being shot at! I stepped in quickly to close the shutter on the land side. That fool-helmsman, his hands on the spokes, was lifting his knees high, stamping his feet, champing his mouth, like a reined-in horse. Confound him! And we were staggering within ten feet of the bank. I had to lean right out to swing the heavy shutter, and I saw a face amongst the leaves on the level with my own, looking at me very fierce and steady; and then suddenly, as though a veil had been removed from my eyes, I made out, deep in the tangled gloom, naked breasts, arms, legs, glaring eyes,—the bush was swarming with human limbs in movement, glistening, of bronze color. The twigs shook, swayed, and rustled, the arrows flew out of them, and then the shutter came to. 'Steer her straight,' I said to the helmsman. He held his head rigid, face forward; but his eyes rolled, he kept on lifting and setting down his feet gently, his mouth foamed a little. 'Keep quiet!' I said in a fury. I might just as well have ordered a tree not to sway in the wind. I darted out. Below me there was a great scuffle of feet on the iron deck; confused exclamations; a voice screamed, 'Can you turn back?' I caught shape of a V-shaped ripple on the water ahead. What? Another snag! A fusillade burst out under my feet. The pilgrims had opened with their Winchesters, and were simply squirting lead into that bush. A deuce of a lot of smoke came up and drove slowly forward. I swore at it. Now I couldn't see the ripple or the snag either. I stood in the doorway, peering, and the arrows came in swarms. They might have been poisoned, but they looked as though they wouldn't kill a cat. The bush began to howl. Our wood-cutters raised a warlike whoop; the report of a rifle just at my back deafened me. I glanced over my shoulder, and the pilot-house was yet full of noise and smoke when I made a dash at the wheel. The fool-nigger had dropped everything, to throw the shutter open and let off that Martini-Henry. He stood before the wide opening, glaring, and I yelled at him to come back, while I straightened the sudden twist out of that steamboat. There was no room to turn even if I had wanted to, the snag was somewhere very near ahead in that confounded smoke, there was no time to lose, so I just crowded her into the bank—right into the bank, where I knew the water was deep.
I was looking down at the sounding pole, getting increasingly annoyed to see more of it sticking out of the river with each attempt, when I noticed my poleman suddenly give up and lay flat on the deck, not even bothering to haul his pole in. He kept holding onto it, though, and it trailed in the water. At the same time, the fireman, who I could also see below me, abruptly sat down in front of his furnace and ducked his head. I was shocked. Then I had to quickly look at the river because there was a snag in the fairway. Small sticks were flying everywhere—they were zipping past my face, dropping below me, and hitting against my pilot house. Throughout all this, the river, the shore, and the woods were eerily quiet—completely silent. I could only hear the heavy splashing thump of the stern wheel and the patter of the flying debris. We clumsily cleared the snag. Arrows, for crying out loud! We were being shot at! I quickly stepped inside to close the shutter on the land side. That idiot helmsman, with his hands on the spokes, was lifting his knees high, stamping his feet, and making faces like a restrained horse. Damn him! And we were staggering within ten feet of the bank. I had to lean way out to swing the heavy shutter, and I saw a face among the leaves at eye level with my own, looking at me fiercely and steadily. Then, suddenly, as if a veil had lifted from my eyes, I discerned, deep in the tangled shadows, naked breasts, arms, legs, glaring eyes—the bushes were teeming with gleaming, bronze-colored human limbs in motion. The twigs shook, swayed, and rustled, arrows flew out of them, and then the shutter closed. "Steer her straight," I told the helmsman. He held his head stiff, face forward; but his eyes rolled, he kept lifting and gently setting down his feet, while his mouth foamed slightly. "Stay calm!" I shouted in frustration. I might as well have told a tree not to sway in the wind. I dashed out. Below me, there was a chaotic scuffle of feet on the metal deck; a jumble of voices; someone yelled, "Can you turn back?" I caught sight of a V-shape ripple on the water ahead. What? Another snag! A barrage erupted beneath my feet. The passengers had started firing their Winchesters, unleashing a storm of bullets into that bush. A whole lot of smoke rose up and drifted slowly forward. I cursed at it. Now I couldn’t see the ripple or the snag either. I stood in the doorway, squinting, while arrows came in swarms. They might have been poisoned, but they looked harmless enough. The bushes began to howl. Our wood-cutters let out a war cry; the gunfire from right behind me deafened me. I glanced over my shoulder, and the pilot house was still filled with noise and smoke when I rushed at the wheel. The stupid black guy had dropped everything to throw the shutter open and fire that Martini-Henry. He stood in front of the wide opening, glaring, and I yelled at him to get back while I straightened out the sudden turn of the steamboat. There was no room to turn even if I wanted to; the snag was somewhere very close ahead in that blasted smoke, and there was no time to waste, so I just pushed her into the bank—straight into the bank, where I knew the water was deep.
"We tore slowly along the overhanging bushes in a whirl of broken twigs and flying leaves. The fusillade below stopped short, as I had foreseen it would when the squirts got empty. I threw my head back to a glinting whizz that traversed the pilot-house, in at one shutter-hole and out at the other. Looking past that mad helmsman, who was shaking the empty rifle and yelling at the shore, I saw vague forms of men running bent double, leaping, gliding, distinct, incomplete, evanescent. Something big appeared in the air before the shutter, the rifle went overboard, and the man stepped back swiftly, looked at me over his shoulder in an extraordinary, profound, familiar manner, and fell upon my feet. The side of his head hit the wheel twice, and the end of what appeared a long cane clattered round and knocked over a little camp-stool. It looked as though after wrenching that thing from somebody ashore he had lost his balance in the effort. The thin smoke had blown away, we were clear of the snag, and looking ahead I could see that in another hundred yards or so I would be free to sheer off, away from the bank; but my feet felt so very warm and wet that I had to look down. The man had rolled on his back and stared straight up at me; both his hands clutched that cane. It was the shaft of a spear that, either thrown or lunged through the opening, had caught him in the side just below the ribs; the blade had gone in out of sight, after making a frightful gash; my shoes were full; a pool of blood lay very still, gleaming dark-red under the wheel; his eyes shone with an amazing luster. The fusillade burst out again. He looked at me anxiously, gripping the spear like something precious, with an air of being afraid I would try to take it away from him. I had to make an effort to free my eyes from his gaze and attend to the steering. With one hand I felt above my head for the line of the steam-whistle, and jerked out screech after screech hurriedly. The tumult of angry and warlike yells was checked instantly, and then from the depths of the woods went out such a tremulous and prolonged wail of mournful fear and utter despair as may be imagined to follow the flight of the last hope from the earth. There was a great commotion in the bush; the shower of arrows stopped, a few dropping shots rang out sharply—then silence, in which the languid beat of the stern-wheel came plainly to my ears. I put the helm hard a-starboard at the moment when the pilgrim in pink pyjamas, very hot and agitated, appeared in the doorway. 'The manager sends me—' he began in an official tone, and stopped short. 'Good God!' he said, glaring at the wounded man.
We crept slowly along the overhanging bushes, with broken twigs and flying leaves swirling around us. The gunfire below stopped suddenly, just as I expected it would when the ammo ran out. I tilted my head back to see a glinting object zip across the pilot house, coming in one shutter-hole and out the other. Looking past that frantic helmsman, who was shaking his empty rifle and yelling at the shore, I saw blurry figures of men running, hunched over, jumping, gliding—clear yet incomplete, fleeting. A large object appeared in the air in front of the shutter, the rifle went overboard, and the man stepped back quickly, glanced at me over his shoulder in a strikingly deep, familiar way, and collapsed at my feet. The side of his head hit the wheel twice, and what looked like a long cane clattered around, knocking over a small camp-stool. It seemed that after yanking that thing from someone onshore, he lost his balance in the process. The thin smoke cleared, we were past the snag, and I could see that in another hundred yards or so I’d be able to steer away from the bank; but my feet felt really warm and wet, so I looked down. The man had rolled onto his back, staring straight up at me; both his hands clutched that cane. It was the shaft of a spear that, either thrown or thrust through the opening, had pierced him in the side just below his ribs; the blade had gone in completely, leaving a horrific gash; my shoes were soaked; a still pool of dark red blood lay gleaming under the wheel; his eyes sparkled with an incredible brightness. The gunfire erupted again. He looked at me anxiously, gripping the spear as if it were something precious, seeming afraid that I would try to take it from him. I had to force myself to break free from his gaze and focus on steering. With one hand, I reached above my head for the steam-whistle cord and yanked it, producing a series of hurried screeches. The uproar of angry, warlike shouts stopped immediately, and then from deep in the woods came a tremulous, extended wail of mournful fear and utter despair that might follow the loss of the last hope. There was a tremendous stir in the bushes; the rain of arrows ceased, a few sharp shots rang out—then there was silence, where I could distinctly hear the slow rhythm of the stern-wheel. I turned the helm sharply to the right just as the man in pink pajamas, very hot and agitated, appeared in the doorway. "The manager sent me—" he started in an official tone before stopping short. "Good God!" he said, looking at the wounded man in shock.
"We two whites stood over him, and his lustrous and inquiring glance enveloped us both. I declare it looked as though he would presently put to us some question in an understandable language; but he died without uttering a sound, without moving a limb, without twitching a muscle. Only in the very last moment, as though in response to some sign we could not see, to some whisper we could not hear, he frowned heavily, and that frown gave to his black death-mask an inconceivably somber, brooding, and menacing expression. The luster of inquiring glance faded swiftly into vacant glassiness. 'Can you steer?' I asked the agent eagerly. He looked very dubious; but I made a grab at his arm, and he understood at once I meant him to steer whether or no. To tell you the truth, I was morbidly anxious to change my shoes and socks. 'He is dead,' murmured the fellow, immensely impressed. 'No doubt about it,' said I, tugging like mad at the shoe-laces. 'And, by the way, I suppose Mr. Kurtz is dead as well by this time.'
We two white guys stood over him, and his bright, curious gaze took in both of us. Honestly, it looked like he might ask us something in a language we could actually understand; but he died without making a sound, moving a limb, or twitching a muscle. Only in his final moment, as if responding to some unseen sign or inaudible whisper, he frowned deeply, and that frown gave his lifeless face an incredibly dark, brooding, and threatening look. The brightness of his curious gaze quickly turned into a blank stare. “Can you steer?” I asked the agent eagerly. He looked pretty uncertain, but I grabbed his arm, and he got the hint that I wanted him to steer, no matter what. Honestly, I was really eager to change my shoes and socks. “He’s dead,” the guy murmured, clearly shaken. “No doubt about it,” I replied, struggling with my shoelaces. “And, by the way, I suppose Mr. Kurtz is dead too by now.”
"For the moment that was the dominant thought. There was a sense of extreme disappointment, as though I had found out I had been striving after something altogether without a substance. I couldn't have been more disgusted if I had traveled all this way for the sole purpose of talking with Mr. Kurtz. Talking with. . . . I flung one shoe overboard, and became aware that that was exactly what I had been looking forward to—a talk with Kurtz. I made the strange discovery that I had never imagined him as doing, you know, but as discoursing. I didn't say to myself, 'Now I will never see him,' or 'Now I will never shake him by the hand,' but, 'Now I will never hear him.' The man presented himself as a voice. Not of course that I did not connect him with some sort of action. Hadn't I been told in all the tones of jealousy and admiration that he had collected, bartered, swindled, or stolen more ivory than all the other agents together? That was not the point. The point was in his being a gifted creature, and that of all his gifts the one that stood out pre-eminently, that carried with it a sense of real presence, was his ability to talk, his words—the gift of expression, the bewildering, the illuminating, the most exalted and the most contemptible, the pulsating stream of light, or the deceitful flow from the heart of an impenetrable darkness.
For the moment, that was the main thought on my mind. I felt a deep sense of disappointment, as if I had been chasing something completely insubstantial. I couldn't have been more repulsed if I had traveled all this way just to talk with Mr. Kurtz. Talking with... I threw one shoe overboard and realized that was exactly what I had been looking forward to—a conversation with Kurtz. I had the odd realization that I had never imagined him as doing anything, but rather as speaking. I didn’t think, "Now I will never see him," or "Now I will never shake his hand," but, "Now I will never hear him." The man came across as a voice. Not that I didn’t associate him with some kind of action. Hadn't I heard in various tones of jealousy and admiration that he had collected, traded, swindled, or stolen more ivory than all the other agents combined? That wasn’t the issue. The issue was that he was a talented individual, and of all his talents, the one that stood out the most, that conveyed a real sense of presence, was his ability to speak—his words—the gift of expression, the confusing yet enlightening, the exalted and the contemptible, the vibrant stream of light, or the deceptive flow from the heart of an unfathomable darkness.
"The other shoe went flying unto the devil-god of that river. I thought, 'By Jove! it's all over. We are too late; he has vanished—the gift has vanished, by means of some spear, arrow, or club. I will never hear that chap speak after all,'—and my sorrow had a startling extravagance of emotion, even such as I had noticed in the howling sorrow of these savages in the bush. I couldn't have felt more of lonely desolation somehow, had I been robbed of a belief or had missed my destiny in life. . . . Why do you sigh in this beastly way, somebody? Absurd? Well, absurd. Good Lord! mustn't a man ever—Here, give me some tobacco." . . .
"The other shoe flew off into the river god's domain. I thought, 'Oh no! It's all over. We're too late; he's disappeared—the gift has disappeared, thanks to some spear, arrow, or club. I guess I'll never hear that guy speak after all,'—and my sadness was almost overwhelming, even similar to the intense grief I'd seen in those howling savages in the bush. I couldn't have felt more alone and empty, as if I'd lost a belief or missed my purpose in life. . . . Why are you sighing like that, someone? Absurd? Sure, it’s absurd. Good Lord! can’t a man ever—Here, pass me some tobacco." . . .
There was a pause of profound stillness, then a match flared, and Marlow's lean face appeared, worn, hollow, with downward folds and dropped eyelids, with an aspect of concentrated attention; and as he took vigorous draws at his pipe, it seemed to retreat and advance out of the night in the regular flicker of the tiny flame. The match went out.
There was a moment of deep silence, then a match lit up, revealing Marlow's thin face, tired and gaunt, with lines etched downwards and heavy eyelids, showing a look of intense focus. As he took strong drags from his pipe, it seemed to come and go in the darkness with the steady flicker of the small flame. The match went out.
"Absurd!" he cried. "This is the worst of trying to tell. . . . Here you all are, each moored with two good addresses, like a hulk with two anchors, a butcher round one corner, a policeman round another, excellent appetites, and temperature normal—you hear—normal from year's end to year's end. And you say, Absurd! Absurd be—exploded! Absurd! My dear boys, what can you expect from a man who out of sheer nervousness had just flung overboard a pair of new shoes. Now I think of it, it is amazing I did not shed tears. I am, upon the whole, proud of my fortitude. I was cut to the quick at the idea of having lost the inestimable privilege of listening to the gifted Kurtz. Of course I was wrong. The privilege was waiting for me. Oh yes, I heard more than enough. And I was right, too. A voice. He was very little more than a voice. And I heard—him—it—this voice—other voices—all of them were so little more than voices—and the memory of that time itself lingers around me, impalpable, like a dying vibration of one immense jabber, silly, atrocious, sordid, savage, or simply mean, without any kind of sense. Voices, voices—even the girl herself—now—"
"Absurd!" he exclaimed. "This is the worst part of trying to explain... Here you all are, each securely anchored with two solid addresses, like a ship with two anchors, a butcher on one corner, a cop on another, excellent appetites, and a normal temperature—you hear that—normal from one year to the next. And you call it absurd! Absurd be it—exploded! Absurd! My dear friends, what do you expect from a man who, out of sheer nervousness, just tossed a new pair of shoes overboard? Now that I think about it, it’s amazing I didn’t cry. I’m, overall, proud of my composure. I was deeply affected by the thought of having lost the invaluable chance to hear the talented Kurtz. Of course, I was mistaken. The opportunity was waiting for me. Oh yes, I heard plenty. And I was right, too. A voice. He was barely more than a voice. And I heard—him—it—this voice—other voices—all of them were hardly more than voices—and the memory of that time itself lingers around me, intangible, like a fading echo of one massive chatter, silly, horrible, filthy, brutal, or just plain petty, without any kind of meaning. Voices, voices—even the girl herself—now—"
He was silent for a long time.
He stayed quiet for a long time.
"I laid the ghost of his gifts at last with a lie," he began suddenly. "Girl! What? Did I mention a girl? Oh, she is out of it—completely. They—the women, I mean—are out of it—should be out of it. We must help them to stay in that beautiful world of their own, lest ours gets worse. Oh, she had to be out of it. You should have heard the disinterred body of Mr. Kurtz saying, 'My Intended.' You would have perceived directly then how completely she was out of it. And the lofty frontal bone of Mr. Kurtz! They say the hair goes on growing sometimes, but this—ah specimen, was impressively bald. The wilderness had patted him on the head, and, behold, it was like a ball—an ivory ball; it had caressed him, and—lo!—he had withered; it had taken him, loved him, embraced him, got into his veins, consumed his flesh, and sealed his soul to its own by the inconceivable ceremonies of some devilish initiation. He was its spoiled and pampered favorite. Ivory? I should think so. Heaps of it, stacks of it. The old mud shanty was bursting with it. You would think there was not a single tusk left either above or below the ground in the whole country. 'Mostly fossil,' the manager had remarked disparagingly. It was no more fossil than I am; but they call it fossil when it is dug up. It appears these niggers do bury the tusks sometimes—but evidently they couldn't bury this parcel deep enough to save the gifted Mr. Kurtz from his fate. We filled the steamboat with it, and had to pile a lot on the deck. Thus he could see and enjoy as long as he could see, because the appreciation of this favor had remained with him to the last. You should have heard him say, 'My ivory.' Oh yes, I heard him. 'My Intended, my ivory, my station, my river, my—' everything belonged to him. It made me hold my breath in expectation of hearing the wilderness burst into a prodigious peal of laughter that would shake the fixed stars in their places. Everything belonged to him—but that was a trifle. The thing was to know what he belonged to, how many powers of darkness claimed him for their own. That was the reflection that made you creepy all over. It was impossible—it was not good for one either—trying to imagine. He had taken a high seat amongst the devils of the land—I mean literally. You can't understand. How could you?—with solid pavement under your feet, surrounded by kind neighbors ready to cheer you or to fall on you, stepping delicately between the butcher and the policeman, in the holy terror of scandal and gallows and lunatic asylums—how can you imagine what particular region of the first ages a man's untrammeled feet may take him into by the way of solitude—utter solitude without a policeman—by the way of silence, utter silence, where no warning voice of a kind neighbor can be heard whispering of public opinion? These little things make all the great difference. When they are gone you must fall back upon your own innate strength, upon your own capacity for faithfulness. Of course you may be too much of a fool to go wrong—too dull even to know you are being assaulted by the powers of darkness. I take it, no fool ever made a bargain for his soul with the devil: the fool is too much of a fool, or the devil too much of a devil—I don't know which. Or you may be such a thunderingly exalted creature as to be altogether deaf and blind to anything but heavenly sights and sounds. Then the earth for you is only a standing place—and whether to be like this is your loss or your gain I won't pretend to say. But most of us are neither one nor the other. The earth for us is a place to live in, where we must put up with sights, with sounds, with smells too, by Jove!—breathe dead hippo, so to speak, and not be contaminated. And there, don't you see? Your strength comes in, the faith in your ability for the digging of unostentatious holes to bury the stuff in—your power of devotion, not to yourself, but to an obscure, back-breaking business. And that's difficult enough. Mind, I am not trying to excuse or even explain—I am trying to account to myself for—for—Mr. Kurtz—for the shade of Mr. Kurtz. This initiated wraith from the back of Nowhere honored me with its amazing confidence before it vanished altogether. This was because it could speak English to me. The original Kurtz had been educated partly in England, and—as he was good enough to say himself—his sympathies were in the right place. His mother was half-English, his father was half-French. All Europe contributed to the making of Kurtz; and by-and-by I learned that, most appropriately, the International Society for the Suppression of Savage Customs had intrusted him with the making of a report, for its future guidance. And he had written it too. I've seen it. I've read it. It was eloquent, vibrating with eloquence, but too high-strung, I think. Seventeen pages of close writing he had found time for! But this must have been before his—let us say—nerves, went wrong, and caused him to preside at certain midnight dances ending with unspeakable rites, which—as far as I reluctantly gathered from what I heard at various times—were offered up to him—do you understand?—to Mr. Kurtz himself. But it was a beautiful piece of writing. The opening paragraph, however, in the light of later information, strikes me now as ominous. He began with the argument that we whites, from the point of development we had arrived at, 'must necessarily appear to them [savages] in the nature of supernatural beings—we approach them with the might as of a deity,' and so on, and so on. 'By the simple exercise of our will we can exert a power for good practically unbounded,' &c., &c. From that point he soared and took me with him. The peroration was magnificent, though difficult to remember, you know. It gave me the notion of an exotic Immensity ruled by an august Benevolence. It made me tingle with enthusiasm. This was the unbounded power of eloquence—of words—of burning noble words. There were no practical hints to interrupt the magic current of phrases, unless a kind of note at the foot of the last page, scrawled evidently much later, in an unsteady hand, may be regarded as the exposition of a method. It was very simple, and at the end of that moving appeal to every altruistic sentiment it blazed at you, luminous and terrifying, like a flash of lightning in a serene sky: 'Exterminate all the brutes!' The curious part was that he had apparently forgotten all about that valuable postscriptum, because, later on, when he in a sense came to himself, he repeatedly entreated me to take good care of 'my pamphlet' (he called it), as it was sure to have in the future a good influence upon his career. I had full information about all these things, and, besides, as it turned out, I was to have the care of his memory. I've done enough for it to give me the indisputable right to lay it, if I choose, for an everlasting rest in the dust-bin of progress, amongst all the sweepings and, figuratively speaking, all the dead cats of civilization. But then, you see, I can't choose. He won't be forgotten. Whatever he was, he was not common. He had the power to charm or frighten rudimentary souls into an aggravated witch-dance in his honor; he could also fill the small souls of the pilgrims with bitter misgivings: he had one devoted friend at least, and he had conquered one soul in the world that was neither rudimentary nor tainted with self-seeking. No; I can't forget him, though I am not prepared to affirm the fellow was exactly worth the life we lost in getting to him. I missed my late helmsman awfully,—I missed him even while his body was still lying in the pilot-house. Perhaps you will think it passing strange this regret for a savage who was no more account than a grain of sand in a black Sahara. Well, don't you see, he had done something, he had steered; for months I had him at my back—a help—an instrument. It was a kind of partnership. He steered for me—I had to look after him, I worried about his deficiencies, and thus a subtle bond had been created, of which I only became aware when it was suddenly broken. And the intimate profundity of that look he gave me when he received his hurt remains to this day in my memory—like a claim of distant kinship affirmed in a supreme moment.
"I finally put the ghost of his gifts to rest with a lie," he said suddenly. "Girl! What? Did I mention a girl? Oh, she is completely out of it. The women, I mean—they're out of it—they should be out of it. We need to help them stay in that beautiful world of theirs, or else ours will get worse. Oh, she had to be out of it. You should have heard the disinterred body of Mr. Kurtz saying, 'My Intended.' You would have immediately realized just how completely she was removed from it all. And Mr. Kurtz’s prominent forehead! They say hair keeps growing sometimes, but this—ah, this specimen was impressively bald. The wilderness had patted him on the head, and, look, it was like a ball—an ivory ball; it had caressed him, and—lo!—he had withered; it had taken him, loved him, embraced him, seeped into his veins, consumed his flesh, and sealed his soul in its own grip through some unimaginable rituals of devilish initiation. He was its spoiled and pampered favorite. Ivory? Absolutely. Piles of it, stacks of it. The old mud shack was bursting with it. You would think there wasn’t a single tusk left above or below ground in the entire country. 'Mostly fossil,' the manager remarked dismissively. It was no more fossil than I am; but they call it fossil when it's dug up. It turns out these blacks do bury the tusks sometimes—but clearly they couldn’t bury this shipment deep enough to save the gifted Mr. Kurtz from his fate. We filled the steamboat with it and had to pile a lot on the deck. This way he could see and enjoy it for as long as he could still see, because he had a taste for this gift until the end. You should have heard him say, 'My ivory.' Oh yes, I heard him. 'My Intended, my ivory, my station, my river, my—' everything belonged to him. It made me hold my breath, expecting to hear the wilderness erupt in a tremendous burst of laughter that would shake the fixed stars in their places. Everything belonged to him—but that was a small matter. The real question was what he belonged to, how many dark forces claimed him for themselves. That was what gave you shivers all over. It was impossible—it wasn't good for anyone—trying to imagine. He had taken a high seat among the devils of the land—I mean literally. You can't understand. How could you?—with solid pavement beneath your feet, surrounded by friendly neighbors ready to cheer you on or bring you down, carefully navigating between the butcher and the cop, terrified of scandal and gallows and mad houses—how can you even picture what far-off corner of the ancient world a man's untethered feet may carry him into through solitude—utter solitude without police—through silence, absolute silence, where no warning from a friendly neighbor whispers about public opinion? These little things make all the big difference. When they’re gone, you must rely on your innate strength and your ability to stay faithful. Of course, you might be too foolish to go wrong—too dull even to realize you’re being attacked by dark forces. I assume no fool ever made a deal for his soul with the devil: the fool is too foolish, or the devil too devilish—I can’t tell which. Or you might be such a wildly elevated being that you are completely deaf and blind to anything but heavenly sights and sounds. Then the earthly realm for you is just a place to stand—and whether being like that is your loss or gain, I won't say. But most of us are neither. The earth for us is a place to live, where we have to deal with sights, sounds, and smells as well, by golly!—breathe in dead hippo, so to speak, and not be affected. And there, can’t you see? Your strength comes in, the faith in your ability to dig unassuming holes to bury that stuff in—your power of devotion, not to yourself, but to a tough, backbreaking task. And that's difficult enough. Mind you, I’m not trying to excuse or even explain—I’m just trying to make sense of—for—Mr. Kurtz—for the shade of Mr. Kurtz. This initiated ghost from the depths of nowhere honored me with its remarkable trust before it vanished completely. This was because it could speak English to me. The original Kurtz had been partially educated in England, and—as he was kind enough to say himself—his sympathies were in the right place. His mother was half-English, his father was half-French. All of Europe contributed to the making of Kurtz; and eventually, I learned that, quite fittingly, the International Society for the Suppression of Savage Customs had assigned him the task of writing a report for their future guidance. And he had written it too. I’ve seen it. I've read it. It was eloquent, vibrating with eloquence, but I think it was too high-strung. Seventeen pages of dense writing he had managed to complete! But this must have been before his—let's say—nerves, went awry, leading him to preside over certain midnight dances that ended with unspeakable rites, which—as far as I reluctantly gathered from what I heard at various times—were offered up to him—do you understand?—to Mr. Kurtz himself. But it was a beautifully written piece. The opening paragraph, however, in light of later information, now strikes me as ominous. He began with the argument that we whites, from the point we've reached, 'must necessarily appear to them [savages] as supernatural beings—we approach them with the might of a deity,' and so on and so forth. 'By simply exercising our will, we can have virtually unlimited power for good,' etc., etc. From that point, he soared and took me with him. The ending was magnificent, though hard to recall, you know. It gave me an impression of an exotic Immensity ruled by a grand Benevolence. It sent shivers down my spine with excitement. This was the boundless power of eloquence—of words—of passionate, noble words. There were no practical hints to break the spell of his phrases, except for a kind of note at the bottom of the last page, obviously written much later, in an unsteady hand, which could be seen as a method explanation. It was very straightforward, and at the end of that moving appeal to every altruistic sentiment, it blared at you, bright and terrifying, like a flash of lightning in a clear sky: 'Exterminate all the brutes!' The curious part was that he had apparently forgotten all about that valuable postscript, because later, when he in a sense came back to himself, he repeatedly begged me to take good care of 'my pamphlet' (that’s what he called it), since it was sure to have a positive impact on his future career. I was fully informed about all these matters, and besides, as it turned out, I was meant to oversee his memory. I've done enough for it to give me the undeniable right to lay it, if I wish, for an everlasting rest in the dustbin of progress, among all the sweepings and, figuratively speaking, all the dead cats of civilization. But then, you see, I can't choose. He won't be forgotten. Whatever he was, he was not ordinary. He had the power to enchant or frighten basic souls into a frenzied witch-dance in his honor; he could also fill the small souls of the pilgrims with deep doubts: he had at least one devoted friend, and he had claimed one soul in the world that was neither basic nor tainted with self-interest. No; I can't forget him, even though I’m not prepared to claim that the guy was truly worth the life we lost trying to reach him. I missed my late helmsman terribly—I missed him even while his body was still in the pilot house. You might find it strangely poignant, this regret for a savage who was as insignificant as a grain of sand in a black desert. Well, can’t you see? He had done something; he had steered; for months he had been at my back—a support—an instrument. It was a sort of partnership. He steered for me—I had to look after him, I worried about his flaws, and thus a subtle bond was created, of which I only became aware when it was suddenly shattered. And the deep intensity of that look he gave me when he took his injury stays with me to this day—like a claim of distant kinship affirmed in a supreme moment.
"Poor fool! If he had only left that shutter alone. He had no restraint, no restraint—just like Kurtz—a tree swayed by the wind. As soon as I had put on a dry pair of slippers, I dragged him out, after first jerking the spear out of his side, which operation I confess I performed with my eyes shut tight. His heels leaped together over the little door-step; his shoulders were pressed to my breast; I hugged him from behind desperately. Oh! he was heavy, heavy; heavier than any man on earth, I should imagine. Then without more ado I tipped him overboard. The current snatched him as though he had been a wisp of grass, and I saw the body roll over twice before I lost sight of it for ever. All the pilgrims and the manager were then congregated on the awning-deck about the pilot-house, chattering at each other like a flock of excited magpies, and there was a scandalized murmur at my heartless promptitude. What they wanted to keep that body hanging about for I can't guess. Embalm it, maybe. But I had also heard another, and a very ominous, murmur on the deck below. My friends the wood-cutters were likewise scandalized, and with a better show of reason—though I admit that the reason itself was quite inadmissible. Oh, quite! I had made up my mind that if my late helmsman was to be eaten, the fishes alone should have him. He had been a very second-rate helmsman while alive, but now he was dead he might have become a first-class temptation, and possibly cause some startling trouble. Besides, I was anxious to take the wheel, the man in pink pyjamas showing himself a hopeless duffer at the business.
"Poor fool! If only he had left that shutter alone. He had no self-control, no self-control—just like Kurtz—a tree tossed by the wind. As soon as I got into a dry pair of slippers, I pulled him out, first yanking the spear out of his side, which I admit I did with my eyes tightly shut. His heels jumped together over the little door-step; his shoulders pressed against me; I hugged him from behind desperately. Oh! he was heavy, heavy; heavier than any man on earth, I would imagine. Then without hesitation, I tipped him overboard. The current grabbed him as if he were a piece of grass, and I saw the body roll over twice before I lost sight of it forever. All the pilgrims and the manager were gathered on the awning-deck near the pilot-house, chattering like a flock of excited magpies, and there was a scandalized murmur about my heartless quickness. I can't guess what they wanted to keep that body around for. Maybe to embalm it. But I also heard another, much more ominous, murmur on the deck below. My friends the wood-cutters were also scandalized, and with a better reason—though I admit that the reason itself was quite unacceptable. Oh, absolutely! I had decided that if my former helmsman was to be eaten, it would only be by the fish. He had been a pretty mediocre helmsman while alive, but now that he was dead, he could have turned into a major temptation and possibly caused some serious trouble. Besides, I was eager to take the wheel, as the guy in pink pajamas was proving to be completely useless at the job."
"This I did directly the simple funeral was over. We were going half-speed, keeping right in the middle of the stream, and I listened to the talk about me. They had given up Kurtz, they had given up the station; Kurtz was dead, and the station had been burnt—and so on—and so on. The red-haired pilgrim was beside himself with the thought that at least this poor Kurtz had been properly revenged. 'Say! We must have made a glorious slaughter of them in the bush. Eh? What do you think? Say?' He positively danced, the bloodthirsty little gingery beggar. And he had nearly fainted when he saw the wounded man! I could not help saying, 'You made a glorious lot of smoke, anyhow.' I had seen, from the way the tops of the bushes rustled and flew, that almost all the shots had gone too high. You can't hit anything unless you take aim and fire from the shoulder; but these chaps fired from the hip with their eyes shut. The retreat, I maintained—and I was right—was caused by the screeching of the steam-whistle. Upon this they forgot Kurtz, and began to howl at me with indignant protests.
"This I did right after the simple funeral was over. We were going at half-speed, right in the middle of the stream, and I listened to the talk about me. They had given up on Kurtz, they had given up the station; Kurtz was dead, and the station had been burned—and so on—and so on. The red-haired pilgrim was beside himself with the idea that at least this poor Kurtz had been properly avenged. 'Hey! We must have made a glorious slaughter of them in the bush. Right? What do you think? Hey?' He was practically dancing, the bloodthirsty little ginger guy. And he nearly fainted when he saw the wounded man! I couldn't help saying, 'You made a glorious lot of smoke, anyway.' I had seen, from how the tops of the bushes rustled and flew, that almost all the shots had gone too high. You can't hit anything unless you take aim and shoot from the shoulder; but these guys shot from the hip with their eyes closed. The retreat, I insisted—and I was right—was caused by the screeching of the steam whistle. After that, they forgot about Kurtz and started howling at me with indignant complaints."
"The manager stood by the wheel murmuring confidentially about the necessity of getting well away down the river before dark at all events, when I saw in the distance a clearing on the river-side and the outlines of some sort of building. 'What's this?' I asked. He clapped his hands in wonder. 'The station!' he cried. I edged in at once, still going half-speed.
"The manager stood by the wheel, quietly stressing the importance of getting far down the river before dark, when I noticed a clearing by the riverside and the shape of some kind of building in the distance. 'What's that?' I asked. He clapped his hands in surprise. 'The station!' he exclaimed. I steered in right away, still moving at half-speed."
"Through my glasses I saw the slope of a hill interspersed with rare trees and perfectly free from undergrowth. A long decaying building on the summit was half buried in the high grass; the large holes in the peaked roof gaped black from afar; the jungle and the woods made a background. There was no inclosure or fence of any kind; but there had been one apparently, for near the house half-a-dozen slim posts remained in a row, roughly trimmed, and with their upper ends ornamented with round carved balls. The rails, or whatever there had been between, had disappeared. Of course the forest surrounded all that. The river-bank was clear, and on the water-side I saw a white man under a hat like a cart-wheel beckoning persistently with his whole arm. Examining the edge of the forest above and below, I was almost certain I could see movements—human forms gliding here and there. I steamed past prudently, then stopped the engines and let her drift down. The man on the shore began to shout, urging us to land. 'We have been attacked,' screamed the manager. 'I know—I know. It's all right,' yelled back the other, as cheerful as you please. 'Come along. It's all right. I am glad.'
"Through my glasses, I saw the slope of a hill dotted with rare trees and completely clear of undergrowth. A long, rotting building at the top was half-hidden in tall grass; the large holes in the peaked roof stood out black from a distance, with the jungle and woods creating a backdrop. There was no fence or enclosure of any kind, but it looked like there had been one, as near the house were about six slim posts in a row, roughly trimmed, with their tops decorated with round carved balls. The rails, or whatever had been there, were gone. The forest surrounded everything. The riverbank was clear, and by the water, I saw a white man under a hat like a cartwheel, waving his whole arm persistently. While scanning the edges of the forest above and below, I was almost sure I could see movements—human figures slipping by here and there. I carefully steamed past, then stopped the engines and let the boat drift down. The man on the shore started shouting, urging us to land. 'We’ve been attacked,' screamed the manager. 'I know—I know. It's fine,' the other man yelled back, sounding cheerful. 'Come along. It's fine. I'm glad.'"
"His aspect reminded me of something I had seen—something funny I had seen somewhere. As I maneuvered to get alongside, I was asking myself, 'What does this fellow look like?' Suddenly I got it. He looked like a harlequin. His clothes had been made of some stuff that was brown holland probably, but it was covered with patches all over, with bright patches, blue, red, and yellow,—patches on the back, patches on front, patches on elbows, on knees; colored binding round his jacket, scarlet edging at the bottom of his trousers; and the sunshine made him look extremely gay and wonderfully neat withal, because you could see how beautifully all this patching had been done. A beardless, boyish face, very fair, no features to speak of, nose peeling, little blue eyes, smiles and frowns chasing each other over that open countenance like sunshine and shadow on a windswept plain. 'Look out, captain!' he cried; 'there's a snag lodged in here last night.' What! Another snag? I confess I swore shamefully. I had nearly holed my cripple, to finish off that charming trip. The harlequin on the bank turned his little pug nose up to me. 'You English?' he asked, all smiles. 'Are you?' I shouted from the wheel. The smiles vanished, and he shook his head as if sorry for my disappointment. Then he brightened up. 'Never mind!' he cried encouragingly. 'Are we in time?' I asked. 'He is up there,' he replied, with a toss of the head up the hill, and becoming gloomy all of a sudden. His face was like the autumn sky, overcast one moment and bright the next.
"His appearance reminded me of something I had seen—something funny I had come across somewhere. As I tried to get closer, I was wondering, 'What does this guy look like?' Suddenly it hit me. He looked like a harlequin. His clothes were probably made of some kind of brown fabric, but they were covered in patches everywhere, with bright patches in blue, red, and yellow—patches on the back, on the front, on his elbows, on his knees; colored trim around his jacket, red edging at the bottom of his pants; and the sunlight made him look really cheerful and surprisingly neat because you could see how beautifully all the patching had been done. He had a beardless, boyish face, very fair, with no notable features, his nose peeling, little blue eyes, with smiles and frowns chasing each other across that open face like sunshine and shadow on a windy plain. 'Watch out, captain!' he shouted; 'there's a snag stuck in here from last night.' What! Another snag? I confess I cursed quite a bit. I almost damaged my boat, ruining that lovely trip. The harlequin on the bank turned his little pug nose up at me. 'You English?' he asked, all smiles. 'Are you?' I yelled from the wheel. The smiles disappeared, and he shook his head as if he felt sorry for my disappointment. Then he perked up. 'Never mind!' he said encouragingly. 'Are we in time?' I asked. 'He's up there,' he replied, pointing up the hill, suddenly looking gloomy. His face was like an autumn sky, overcast one moment and bright the next."
"When the manager, escorted by the pilgrims, all of them armed to the teeth, had gone to the house, this chap came on board. 'I say, I don't like this. These natives are in the bush,' I said. He assured me earnestly it was all right. 'They are simple people,' he added; 'well, I am glad you came. It took me all my time to keep them off.' 'But you said it was all right,' I cried. 'Oh, they meant no harm,' he said; and as I stared he corrected himself, 'Not exactly.' Then vivaciously, 'My faith, your pilot-house wants a clean up!' In the next breath he advised me to keep enough steam on the boiler to blow the whistle in case of any trouble. 'One good screech will do more for you than all your rifles. They are simple people,' he repeated. He rattled away at such a rate he quite overwhelmed me. He seemed to be trying to make up for lots of silence, and actually hinted, laughing, that such was the case. 'Don't you talk with Mr. Kurtz?' I said. 'You don't talk with that man—you listen to him,' he exclaimed with severe exaltation. 'But now—' He waved his arm, and in the twinkling of an eye was in the uttermost depths of despondency. In a moment he came up again with a jump, possessed himself of both my hands, shook them continuously, while he gabbled: 'Brother sailor . . . honor . . . pleasure . . . delight . . . introduce myself . . . Russian . . . son of an arch-priest . . . Government of Tambov . . . What? Tobacco! English tobacco; the excellent English tobacco! Now, that's brotherly. Smoke? Where's a sailor that does not smoke?'
"When the manager, accompanied by the armed pilgrims, arrived at the house, this guy came on board. 'I’m not comfortable with this. The locals are in the bush,' I said. He insisted it was fine. 'They're simple people,' he added; 'I'm glad you’re here. I had a hard time keeping them away.' 'But you said it was fine,' I protested. 'Oh, they meant no harm,' he said, and as I stared at him, he corrected himself, 'Not exactly.' Then, with enthusiasm, 'Wow, your pilot house needs a cleaning!' In the next breath, he advised me to keep enough steam on the boiler to sound the whistle if any trouble came up. 'One good blast will do more for you than all your rifles. They are simple people,' he repeated. He talked so fast that it totally overwhelmed me. It felt like he was trying to fill a lot of silence, and he even hinted with a laugh that that was the case. 'You don’t talk to Mr. Kurtz?' I asked. 'You don’t talk to that guy—you listen to him,' he exclaimed with intense emotion. 'But now—' He waved his arm and, in an instant, seemed to sink into deep despair. A moment later, he sprang back up, grabbed both my hands, shook them continuously, while he babbled: 'Brother sailor... honor... pleasure... delight... let me introduce myself... Russian... son of an arch-priest... Government of Tambov... What? Tobacco! English tobacco; excellent English tobacco! Now that’s brotherly. Smoke? What sailor doesn't smoke?'"
"The pipe soothed him, and gradually I made out he had run away from school, had gone to sea in a Russian ship; ran away again; served some time in English ships; was now reconciled with the arch-priest. He made a point of that. 'But when one is young one must see things, gather experience, ideas; enlarge the mind.' 'Here!' I interrupted. 'You can never tell! Here I have met Mr. Kurtz,' he said, youthfully solemn and reproachful. I held my tongue after that. It appears he had persuaded a Dutch trading-house on the coast to fit him out with stores and goods, and had started for the interior with a light heart, and no more idea of what would happen to him than a baby. He had been wandering about that river for nearly two years alone, cut off from everybody and everything. 'I am not so young as I look. I am twenty-five,' he said. 'At first old Van Shuyten would tell me to go to the devil,' he narrated with keen enjoyment; 'but I stuck to him, and talked and talked, till at last he got afraid I would talk the hind-leg off his favorite dog, so he gave me some cheap things and a few guns, and told me he hoped he would never see my face again. Good old Dutchman, Van Shuyten. I've sent him one small lot of ivory a year ago, so that he can't call me a little thief when I get back. I hope he got it. And for the rest I don't care. I had some wood stacked for you. That was my old house. Did you see?'
The pipe calmed him down, and slowly I realized he had run away from school, joined a Russian ship, ran away again, served on some English ships, and was now back on good terms with the arch-priest. He made sure to mention that. "But when you’re young, you have to see things, gain experiences, and broaden your mind." "You never know!" I interrupted. "Here I’ve met Mr. Kurtz," he said, looking serious and a bit reproachful. After that, I stayed silent. It turns out he had convinced a Dutch trading house on the coast to supply him with goods and set off for the interior with high hopes and no clue what would happen to him, like a baby. He had been wandering the river for nearly two years on his own, cut off from everyone and everything. "I’m not as young as I seem. I’m twenty-five," he said. "At first, old Van Shuyten would tell me to go to hell," he recounted with genuine enjoyment; "but I persisted, I talked and talked, until eventually, he got worried I’d talk his favorite dog’s ear off, so he gave me some cheap supplies and a few guns, saying he hoped he’d never have to see me again. Good old Dutchman, Van Shuyten. I sent him a small shipment of ivory a year ago, so he can't call me a little thief when I get back. I hope he received it. As for everything else, I don’t care. I had some wood set aside for you. That used to be my old house. Did you see?"
"I gave him Towson's book. He made as though he would kiss me, but restrained himself. 'The only book I had left, and I thought I had lost it,' he said, looking at it ecstatically. 'So many accidents happen to a man going about alone, you know. Canoes get upset sometimes—and sometimes you've got to clear out so quick when the people get angry.' He thumbed the pages. 'You made notes in Russian?' I asked. He nodded. 'I thought they were written in cipher,' I said. He laughed, then became serious. 'I had lots of trouble to keep these people off,' he said. 'Did they want to kill you?' I asked. 'Oh no!' he cried, and checked himself. 'Why did they attack us?' I pursued. He hesitated, then said shamefacedly, 'They don't want him to go.' 'Don't they?' I said, curiously. He nodded a nod full of mystery and wisdom. 'I tell you,' he cried, 'this man has enlarged my mind.' He opened his arms wide, staring at me with his little blue eyes that were perfectly round."
"I gave him Towson's book. He acted like he was going to kiss me, but held back. 'This is the only book I had left, and I thought I lost it,' he said, looking at it like it was the greatest treasure. 'So many accidents can happen to a person when they’re alone, you know. Canoes tip over sometimes—and sometimes you have to get away quickly when people get mad.' He flipped through the pages. 'You made notes in Russian?' I asked. He nodded. 'I thought they were in code,' I said. He laughed but then got serious. 'I had a lot of trouble keeping these people away,' he said. 'Did they want to hurt you?' I asked. 'Oh no!' he exclaimed, then caught himself. 'Why did they attack us?' I pressed. He hesitated, then admitted sheepishly, 'They don't want him to leave.' 'Don't they?' I inquired, intrigued. He nodded knowingly. 'I tell you,' he exclaimed, 'this man has opened up my mind.' He spread his arms wide, staring at me with his little blue eyes that were perfectly round."
III
"I looked at him, lost in astonishment. There he was before me, in motley, as though he had absconded from a troupe of mimes, enthusiastic, fabulous. His very existence was improbable, inexplicable, and altogether bewildering. He was an insoluble problem. It was inconceivable how he had existed, how he had succeeded in getting so far, how he had managed to remain—why he did not instantly disappear. 'I went a little farther,' he said, 'then still a little farther—till I had gone so far that I don't know how I'll ever get back. Never mind. Plenty time. I can manage. You take Kurtz away quick—quick—I tell you.' The glamour of youth enveloped his particolored rags, his destitution, his loneliness, the essential desolation of his futile wanderings. For months—for years—his life hadn't been worth a day's purchase; and there he was gallantly, thoughtlessly alive, to all appearance indestructible solely by the virtue of his few years and of his unreflecting audacity. I was seduced into something like admiration—like envy. Glamour urged him on, glamour kept him unscathed. He surely wanted nothing from the wilderness but space to breathe in and to push on through. His need was to exist, and to move onwards at the greatest possible risk, and with a maximum of privation. If the absolutely pure, uncalculating, unpractical spirit of adventure had ever ruled a human being, it ruled this be-patched youth. I almost envied him the possession of this modest and clear flame. It seemed to have consumed all thought of self so completely, that, even while he was talking to you, you forgot that it was he—the man before your eyes—who had gone through these things. I did not envy him his devotion to Kurtz, though. He had not meditated over it. It came to him, and he accepted it with a sort of eager fatalism. I must say that to me it appeared about the most dangerous thing in every way he had come upon so far.
I stared at him, completely astonished. There he was in front of me, dressed in mismatched clothes, as if he had run away from a group of mimes, full of enthusiasm and charm. His existence was improbable, hard to understand, and utterly confusing. He was an unsolvable puzzle. It was unimaginable how he had lived this long, how he had made it so far, and how he managed to stick around—why he didn’t just vanish. "I went a little further," he said, "then a bit more—until I had gone so far that I don't know how I'll ever make it back. No worries. Plenty of time. I can handle it. You need to get Kurtz out of here—quick—quick, I tell you." The energy of youth surrounded his ragged clothes, his poverty, his loneliness, and the deep emptiness of his aimless journey. For months—years—his life hadn’t been worth even a single day; yet here he was, bravely and carelessly alive, seemingly indestructible just because he was young and reckless. I found myself feeling some admiration—maybe even envy. The allure of adventure pushed him forward, keeping him safe from harm. He clearly wanted nothing from the wilderness except the space to breathe and to keep going. His need was simply to exist and to move forward at whatever risk, enduring maximum hardship. If the pure, spontaneous spirit of adventure had ever ruled someone, it was this patched-up young man. I almost envied him for having that simple and clear fire inside him. It seemed to have erased all thoughts of self so completely that even while he was talking to you, you forgot that this was the same man who had experienced those things. But I didn’t envy him for his loyalty to Kurtz. He hadn’t thought much about it. It came to him, and he accepted it with a kind of eager fate. But honestly, to me, it looked like the most dangerous thing he had encountered so far in every way.
"They had come together unavoidably, like two ships becalmed near each other, and lay rubbing sides at last. I suppose Kurtz wanted an audience, because on a certain occasion, when encamped in the forest, they had talked all night, or more probably Kurtz had talked. 'We talked of everything,' he said, quite transported at the recollection. 'I forgot there was such a thing as sleep. The night did not seem to last an hour. Everything! Everything! . . . Of love too.' 'Ah, he talked to you of love!' I said, much amused. 'It isn't what you think,' he cried, almost passionately. 'It was in general. He made me see things—things.'
"They had come together inevitably, like two stranded ships stuck next to each other, and finally started to rub sides. I guess Kurtz wanted someone to listen to him, because on one occasion, when they were camped in the forest, they talked all night—or more likely, Kurtz did all the talking. 'We talked about everything,' he said, almost euphoric at the memory. 'I forgot about sleep. The night didn’t feel like it lasted an hour. Everything! Everything! . . . Even love.' 'Oh, he talked to you about love!' I said, quite amused. 'It’s not what you think,' he exclaimed, nearly passionately. 'It was in general. He made me see things—things.'"
"He threw his arms up. We were on deck at the time, and the headman of my wood-cutters, lounging near by, turned upon him his heavy and glittering eyes. I looked around, and I don't know why, but I assure you that never, never before, did this land, this river, this jungle, the very arch of this blazing sky, appear to me so hopeless and so dark, so impenetrable to human thought, so pitiless to human weakness. 'And, ever since, you have been with him, of course?' I said.
"He raised his arms. We were on the deck at the time, and the leader of my wood-cutters, relaxing nearby, turned his heavy, glittering eyes on him. I looked around, and I don’t know why, but I can honestly say that never before did this land, this river, this jungle, the very arch of that blazing sky, seem so hopeless and dark to me, so impenetrable to human thought, so unforgiving to human weakness. 'And ever since then, you've stuck with him, right?' I said."
"On the contrary. It appears their intercourse had been very much broken by various causes. He had, as he informed me proudly, managed to nurse Kurtz through two illnesses (he alluded to it as you would to some risky feat), but as a rule Kurtz wandered alone, far in the depths of the forest. 'Very often coming to this station, I had to wait days and days before he would turn up,' he said. 'Ah, it was worth waiting for!—sometimes.' 'What was he doing? exploring or what?' I asked. 'Oh yes, of course;' he had discovered lots of villages, a lake too—he did not know exactly in what direction; it was dangerous to inquire too much—but mostly his expeditions had been for ivory. 'But he had no goods to trade with by that time,' I objected. 'There's a good lot of cartridges left even yet,' he answered, looking away. 'To speak plainly, he raided the country,' I said. He nodded. 'Not alone, surely!' He muttered something about the villages round that lake. 'Kurtz got the tribe to follow him, did he?' I suggested. He fidgeted a little. 'They adored him,' he said. The tone of these words was so extraordinary that I looked at him searchingly. It was curious to see his mingled eagerness and reluctance to speak of Kurtz. The man filled his life, occupied his thoughts, swayed his emotions. 'What can you expect?' he burst out; 'he came to them with thunder and lightning, you know—and they had never seen anything like it—and very terrible. He could be very terrible. You can't judge Mr. Kurtz as you would an ordinary man. No, no, no! Now—just to give you an idea—I don't mind telling you, he wanted to shoot me too one day—but I don't judge him.' 'Shoot you!' I cried. 'What for?' 'Well, I had a small lot of ivory the chief of that village near my house gave me. You see I used to shoot game for them. Well, he wanted it, and wouldn't hear reason. He declared he would shoot me unless I gave him the ivory and then cleared out of the country, because he could do so, and had a fancy for it, and there was nothing on earth to prevent him killing whom he jolly well pleased. And it was true too. I gave him the ivory. What did I care! But I didn't clear out. No, no. I couldn't leave him. I had to be careful, of course, till we got friendly again for a time. He had his second illness then. Afterwards I had to keep out of the way; but I didn't mind. He was living for the most part in those villages on the lake. When he came down to the river, sometimes he would take to me, and sometimes it was better for me to be careful. This man suffered too much. He hated all this, and somehow he couldn't get away. When I had a chance I begged him to try and leave while there was time; I offered to go back with him. And he would say yes, and then he would remain; go off on another ivory hunt; disappear for weeks; forget himself amongst these people—forget himself—you know.' 'Why! he's mad,' I said. He protested indignantly. Mr. Kurtz couldn't be mad. If I had heard him talk, only two days ago, I wouldn't dare hint at such a thing. . . . I had taken up my binoculars while we talked and was looking at the shore, sweeping the limit of the forest at each side and at the back of the house. The consciousness of there being people in that bush, so silent, so quiet—as silent and quiet as the ruined house on the hill—made me uneasy. There was no sign on the face of nature of this amazing tale that was not so much told as suggested to me in desolate exclamations, completed by shrugs, in interrupted phrases, in hints ending in deep sighs. The woods were unmoved, like a mask—heavy, like the closed door of a prison—they looked with their air of hidden knowledge, of patient expectation, of unapproachable silence. The Russian was explaining to me that it was only lately that Mr. Kurtz had come down to the river, bringing along with him all the fighting men of that lake tribe. He had been absent for several months—getting himself adored, I suppose—and had come down unexpectedly, with the intention to all appearance of making a raid either across the river or down stream. Evidently the appetite for more ivory had got the better of the—what shall I say?—less material aspirations. However he had got much worse suddenly. 'I heard he was lying helpless, and so I came up—took my chance,' said the Russian. 'Oh, he is bad, very bad.' I directed my glass to the house. There were no signs of life, but there was the ruined roof, the long mud wall peeping above the grass, with three little square window-holes, no two of the same size; all this brought within reach of my hand, as it were. And then I made a brusque movement, and one of the remaining posts of that vanished fence leaped up in the field of my glass. You remember I told you I had been struck at the distance by certain attempts at ornamentation, rather remarkable in the ruinous aspect of the place. Now I had suddenly a nearer view, and its first result was to make me throw my head back as if before a blow. Then I went carefully from post to post with my glass, and I saw my mistake. These round knobs were not ornamental but symbolic; they were expressive and puzzling, striking and disturbing—food for thought and also for the vultures if there had been any looking down from the sky; but at all events for such ants as were industrious enough to ascend the pole. They would have been even more impressive, those heads on the stakes, if their faces had not been turned to the house. Only one, the first I had made out, was facing my way. I was not so shocked as you may think. The start back I had given was really nothing but a movement of surprise. I had expected to see a knob of wood there, you know. I returned deliberately to the first I had seen—and there it was, black, dried, sunken, with closed eyelids,—a head that seemed to sleep at the top of that pole, and, with the shrunken dry lips showing a narrow white line of the teeth, was smiling too, smiling continuously at some endless and jocose dream of that eternal slumber.
"On the contrary. It seems their relationship was often disrupted by various reasons. He proudly told me he managed to nurse Kurtz through two illnesses (he referred to it like some daring achievement), but usually Kurtz roamed alone deep in the forest. 'Many times when I came to this station, I had to wait days for him to show up,' he said. 'Ah, it was worth the wait!—sometimes.' 'What was he doing? Exploring or something?' I asked. 'Oh yes, of course;' he had discovered many villages, and a lake too—he wasn't sure in which direction; it was risky to ask too much—but mostly his trips were for ivory. 'But he had no goods to trade with at that point,' I protested. 'There were still plenty of cartridges left,' he replied, looking away. 'To be honest, he raided the country,' I stated. He nodded. 'Not alone, I hope!' I added. He mumbled something about the villages around that lake. 'Kurtz got the tribe to follow him, did he?' I suggested. He fidgeted a bit. 'They adored him,' he said. The way he said this was so unusual that I looked at him more closely. It was interesting to see his mixed eagerness and reluctance to talk about Kurtz. The man occupied his life, his thoughts, his feelings. 'What do you expect?' he exclaimed; 'he came to them with thunder and lightning, you know—and they had never seen anything like it—and it was really terrifying. He could be very terrifying. You can't judge Mr. Kurtz like an ordinary man. No, no, no! Just to give you an idea—I don’t mind telling you, he wanted to shoot me one day—but I don’t judge him.' 'Shoot you!' I exclaimed. 'What for?' 'Well, I had a small amount of ivory that the chief of that village near my house gave me. You see, I used to hunt game for them. Well, he wanted it and wouldn't listen to reason. He said he would shoot me unless I gave him the ivory and then got out of the country, because he could do it, he wanted to, and there was nothing to stop him from killing whoever he wanted. And it was true too. I gave him the ivory. What did I care! But I didn’t leave. No, no. I couldn’t abandon him. I had to be cautious, of course, until we made friends again for a while. He had his second illness then. After that, I had to keep my distance; but I didn't mind. He mostly stayed in those villages by the lake. When he came down to the river, sometimes he'd be friendly, and other times it was better for me to be careful. This man suffered a lot. He hated all this, and somehow he couldn't escape. When I had the chance, I urged him to try to leave while he still could; I even offered to go back with him. And he'd say yes, then stay; go off on another ivory hunt; disappear for weeks; lose himself among these people—forget himself—you know.' 'Well! He's mad,' I said. He protested indignantly. Mr. Kurtz couldn't be mad. If I had heard him speak just two days ago, I wouldn't dare suggest such a thing. I had picked up my binoculars while we talked and was looking at the shore, scanning the edge of the forest on each side and at the back of the house. The awareness of people being in that bush, so silent, so still—as silent and still as the ruined house on the hill—made me uneasy. Nature showed no signs of the incredible story that wasn’t so much told as it was hinted at in desolate exclamations, completed by shrugs, in interrupted phrases, and in hints ending with deep sighs. The woods were untouched, like a mask—heavy, like the closed door of a prison—they looked like they held hidden knowledge, with an air of patient expectation and unapproachable silence. The Russian was explaining to me that it was only recently that Mr. Kurtz had come down to the river, bringing with him all the fighters from that lake tribe. He had been away for several months—probably getting himself worshipped—and had returned unexpectedly, apparently planning to raid either across the river or downstream. Clearly, his desire for more ivory had overtaken what should be more substantial aspirations. However, he had worsened suddenly. 'I heard he was lying helpless, so I came up—took my chance,' said the Russian. 'Oh, he is bad, very bad.' I aimed my binoculars at the house. There were no signs of life, but the ruined roof, the long mud wall peeking above the grass, with three small window openings, not two the same size, all seemed within reach of my hand, as it were. Then I made a sudden movement, and one of the remaining posts from that vanished fence popped into view through my lens. You recall I told you I had been struck from a distance by certain decorative attempts that were quite remarkable in the dilapidated state of the place. Now I had a closer view, and my first reaction was to recoil as if I'd been hit. Then I carefully examined post after post with my binoculars, and I realized my mistake. These round knobs were not decorative but symbolic; they were expressive and puzzling, striking and disturbing—food for thought and also for the vultures had there been any looking down from the sky; but certainly for the ants that were industrious enough to climb the pole. They would have been even more impressive, those heads on the stakes, if their faces hadn’t been turned toward the house. Only one, the first I had noticed, was facing me. I was not as shocked as you might think. The jerk back I had made was really just a reaction of surprise. I had expected to see a wooden knob there, you know. I went back deliberately to the first one I had noticed—and there it was, black, dry, sunken, with closed eyelids—a head that seemed to sleep at the top of that pole, and with shrunken dry lips showing a narrow white line of teeth, it was smiling too, continuously smiling at some endless and humorous dream of that eternal slumber."
"I am not disclosing any trade secrets. In fact the manager said afterwards that Mr. Kurtz's methods had ruined the district. I have no opinion on that point, but I want you clearly to understand that there was nothing exactly profitable in these heads being there. They only showed that Mr. Kurtz lacked restraint in the gratification of his various lusts, that there was something wanting in him—some small matter which, when the pressing need arose, could not be found under his magnificent eloquence. Whether he knew of this deficiency himself I can't say. I think the knowledge came to him at last—only at the very last. But the wilderness had found him out early, and had taken on him a terrible vengeance for the fantastic invasion. I think it had whispered to him things about himself which he did not know, things of which he had no conception till he took counsel with this great solitude—and the whisper had proved irresistibly fascinating. It echoed loudly within him because he was hollow at the core. . . . I put down the glass, and the head that had appeared near enough to be spoken to seemed at once to have leaped away from me into inaccessible distance.
"I’m not revealing any trade secrets. In fact, the manager said afterward that Mr. Kurtz’s methods had destroyed the area. I don’t have a strong opinion on that, but I want you to clearly understand that there was nothing truly beneficial about those heads being there. They only indicated that Mr. Kurtz lacked self-control when it came to satisfying his various desires, that there was something missing in him—some small thing that, when it really mattered, couldn’t be found beneath his impressive speech. Whether he was aware of this shortcoming, I can’t say. I believe he realized it eventually—only at the very end. But the wilderness had discovered him early on and had taken a terrible revenge for his outrageous intrusion. I think it had whispered truths about himself that he didn’t know, things he had no idea about until he consulted with this vast solitude—and the whisper had been irresistibly compelling. It resonated deeply within him because he was vacant at the core... I set down the glass, and the head that had seemed close enough to talk to suddenly felt like it had jumped away into an unreachable distance."
"The admirer of Mr. Kurtz was a bit crestfallen. In a hurried, indistinct voice he began to assure me he had not dared to take these—say, symbols—down. He was not afraid of the natives; they would not stir till Mr. Kurtz gave the word. His ascendency was extraordinary. The camps of these people surrounded the place, and the chiefs came every day to see him. They would crawl. . . . 'I don't want to know anything of the ceremonies used when approaching Mr. Kurtz,' I shouted. Curious, this feeling that came over me that such details would be more intolerable than those heads drying on the stakes under Mr. Kurtz's windows. After all, that was only a savage sight, while I seemed at one bound to have been transported into some lightless region of subtle horrors, where pure, uncomplicated savagery was a positive relief, being something that had a right to exist—obviously—in the sunshine. The young man looked at me with surprise. I suppose it did not occur to him Mr. Kurtz was no idol of mine. He forgot I hadn't heard any of these splendid monologues on, what was it? on love, justice, conduct of life—or what not. If it had come to crawling before Mr. Kurtz, he crawled as much as the veriest savage of them all. I had no idea of the conditions, he said: these heads were the heads of rebels. I shocked him excessively by laughing. Rebels! What would be the next definition I was to hear? There had been enemies, criminals, workers—and these were rebels. Those rebellious heads looked very subdued to me on their sticks. 'You don't know how such a life tries a man like Kurtz,' cried Kurtz's last disciple. 'Well, and you?' I said. 'I! I! I am a simple man. I have no great thoughts. I want nothing from anybody. How can you compare me to . . .?' His feelings were too much for speech, and suddenly he broke down. 'I don't understand,' he groaned. 'I've been doing my best to keep him alive, and that's enough. I had no hand in all this. I have no abilities. There hasn't been a drop of medicine or a mouthful of invalid food for months here. He was shamefully abandoned. A man like this, with such ideas. Shamefully! Shamefully! I—I—haven't slept for the last ten nights. . . .'
The admirer of Mr. Kurtz looked a bit deflated. In a rushed, unclear voice, he started telling me that he hadn’t dared to take these—let's say, symbols—down. He wasn’t scared of the locals; they wouldn’t make a move until Mr. Kurtz gave the signal. His power was incredible. The camps of these people surrounded the place, and the chiefs came to see him every day. They would crawl... “I don’t want to know anything about the ceremonies done before approaching Mr. Kurtz,” I shouted. It was strange, this feeling that such details would be more unbearable than those heads drying on the stakes under Mr. Kurtz's windows. After all, that was just a savage sight, while I felt as though I had been suddenly transported into some dark area of subtle terrors, where pure, simple savagery was a welcome relief, being something that had a right to exist—obviously—in the sunlight. The young man looked at me with surprise. I guess it didn’t occur to him that Mr. Kurtz wasn’t an idol to me. He forgot that I hadn’t heard any of these wonderful speeches about, what was it? love, justice, how to live—whatever. If it came to crawling before Mr. Kurtz, he crawled just as much as the most savage of them all. I didn’t understand the conditions, he said: those heads belonged to rebels. I shocked him by laughing. Rebels! What would the next definition be? There had been enemies, criminals, workers—and now these were rebels. Those rebellious heads looked very subdued to me on their sticks. “You don’t know how such a life tests a man like Kurtz,” shouted Kurtz's last follower. “Well, what about you?” I said. “I! I! I’m just a simple man. I have no grand ideas. I don’t want anything from anyone. How can you compare me to…?” His emotions overwhelmed him, and suddenly he broke down. “I don’t understand,” he groaned. “I’ve been doing my best to keep him alive, and that’s enough. I had no part in any of this. I have no skills. There hasn’t been a drop of medicine or a bite of proper food for months here. He was shamefully left alone. A man like this, with such ideas. Shamefully! Shamefully! I—I—haven’t slept for the last ten nights...”
"His voice lost itself in the calm of the evening. The long shadows of the forest had slipped down hill while we talked, had gone far beyond the ruined hovel, beyond the symbolic row of stakes. All this was in the gloom, while we down there were yet in the sunshine, and the stretch of the river abreast of the clearing glittered in a still and dazzling splendor, with a murky and over-shadowed bend above and below. Not a living soul was seen on the shore. The bushes did not rustle.
"His voice faded into the tranquility of the evening. The long shadows of the forest had crept down the hill while we chatted, extending far beyond the dilapidated hovel, past the symbolic row of stakes. Everything was shrouded in darkness, while we were still in the sunlight, and the stretch of the river next to the clearing shimmered in a calm and stunning radiance, with a dark and shaded bend both upstream and downstream. No one was visible on the shore. The bushes were silent."
"Suddenly round the corner of the house a group of men appeared, as though they had come up from the ground. They waded waist-deep in the grass, in a compact body, bearing an improvised stretcher in their midst. Instantly, in the emptiness of the landscape, a cry arose whose shrillness pierced the still air like a sharp arrow flying straight to the very heart of the land; and, as if by enchantment, streams of human beings—of naked human beings—with spears in their hands, with bows, with shields, with wild glances and savage movements, were poured into the clearing by the dark-faced and pensive forest. The bushes shook, the grass swayed for a time, and then everything stood still in attentive immobility.
Suddenly, around the corner of the house, a group of men emerged as if they had risen from the ground. They moved through the grass, waist-deep, tightly packed together, carrying a makeshift stretcher among them. Instantly, in the vast emptiness of the landscape, a cry erupted, its sharpness cutting through the still air like an arrow striking at the heart of the land. And, almost magically, streams of people—naked people—armed with spears, bows, and shields, their wild looks and fierce movements, flooded into the clearing from the dark, brooding forest. The bushes trembled, the grass swayed momentarily, and then everything fell silent, still, and attentive.
"'Now, if he does not say the right thing to them we are all done for,' said the Russian at my elbow. The knot of men with the stretcher had stopped too, half-way to the steamer, as if petrified. I saw the man on the stretcher sit up, lank and with an uplifted arm, above the shoulders of the bearers. 'Let us hope that the man who can talk so well of love in general will find some particular reason to spare us this time,' I said. I resented bitterly the absurd danger of our situation, as if to be at the mercy of that atrocious phantom had been a dishonoring necessity. I could not hear a sound, but through my glasses I saw the thin arm extended commandingly, the lower jaw moving, the eyes of that apparition shining darkly far in its bony head that nodded with grotesque jerks. Kurtz—Kurtz—that means short in German—don't it? Well, the name was as true as everything else in his life—and death. He looked at least seven feet long. His covering had fallen off, and his body emerged from it pitiful and appalling as from a winding-sheet. I could see the cage of his ribs all astir, the bones of his arm waving. It was as though an animated image of death carved out of old ivory had been shaking its hand with menaces at a motionless crowd of men made of dark and glittering bronze. I saw him open his mouth wide—it gave him a weirdly voracious aspect, as though he had wanted to swallow all the air, all the earth, all the men before him. A deep voice reached me faintly. He must have been shouting. He fell back suddenly. The stretcher shook as the bearers staggered forward again, and almost at the same time I noticed that the crowd of savages was vanishing without any perceptible movement of retreat, as if the forest that had ejected these beings so suddenly had drawn them in again as the breath is drawn in a long aspiration.
"'Now, if he doesn’t say the right thing to them, we’re all done for,' said the Russian next to me. The group of men with the stretcher had stopped halfway to the steamer, as if frozen. I saw the guy on the stretcher sit up, skinny, with an arm raised above the shoulders of the bearers. 'Let’s hope the man who can talk so well about love in general finds some specific reason to spare us this time,' I said. I felt angry about the ridiculous danger of our situation, as if being at the mercy of that horrifying phantom was a humiliating necessity. I couldn’t hear anything, but through my glasses, I saw the thin arm extended demandingly, the lower jaw moving, the eyes of that apparition shining darkly deep in its skeletal head that nodded with strange jerks. Kurtz—Kurtz—that means short in German—right? Well, the name was as true as everything else in his life—and death. He looked at least seven feet tall. His covering had fallen away, and his body emerged from it, pitiful and shocking like something from a burial shroud. I could see his rib cage all agitated, the bones of his arm waving. It was as if an animated image of death, carved from old ivory, was shaking its hand menacingly at a motionless crowd of men made of dark and shiny bronze. I saw him open his mouth wide—it gave him an eerily hungry look, as if he wanted to swallow all the air, all the earth, all the men in front of him. A deep voice weakly reached me. He must have been yelling. He fell back suddenly. The stretcher shook as the bearers staggered forward again, and almost at the same moment, I noticed the crowd of savages was disappearing without any visible movement of retreat, as if the forest that had launched these beings so suddenly had pulled them back in like a breath taken in with a long inhale.
"Some of the pilgrims behind the stretcher carried his arms—two shot-guns, a heavy rifle, and a light revolver-carbine—the thunderbolts of that pitiful Jupiter. The manager bent over him murmuring as he walked beside his head. They laid him down in one of the little cabins—just a room for a bed-place and a camp-stool or two, you know. We had brought his belated correspondence, and a lot of torn envelopes and open letters littered his bed. His hand roamed feebly amongst these papers. I was struck by the fire of his eyes and the composed languor of his expression. It was not so much the exhaustion of disease. He did not seem in pain. This shadow looked satiated and calm, as though for the moment it had had its fill of all the emotions.
Some of the pilgrims carrying the stretcher held his arms—two shotguns, a heavy rifle, and a light revolver-carbine—the thunderbolts of that sad Jupiter. The manager leaned over him, murmuring as he walked beside his head. They laid him down in one of the small cabins—just a room for a bed and a couple of camp stools, you know. We had brought his delayed correspondence, and a bunch of torn envelopes and open letters were scattered on his bed. His hand weakly moved among these papers. I was struck by the intensity of his gaze and the calm laziness of his expression. It wasn't just the exhaustion from illness. He didn’t seem to be in pain. This shadow looked satisfied and peaceful, as if for the moment it had experienced all the emotions it could handle.
"He rustled one of the letters, and looking straight in my face said, 'I am glad.' Somebody had been writing to him about me. These special recommendations were turning up again. The volume of tone he emitted without effort, almost without the trouble of moving his lips, amazed me. A voice! a voice! It was grave, profound, vibrating, while the man did not seem capable of a whisper. However, he had enough strength in him—factitious no doubt—to very nearly make an end of us, as you shall hear directly.
"He shuffled one of the letters, looked me straight in the eye, and said, 'I'm glad.' Someone had been writing to him about me. These special recommendations were coming up again. The depth of his tone, which he produced effortlessly, almost without moving his lips, amazed me. A voice! a voice! It was serious, deep, vibrating, while the man didn’t seem capable of even a whisper. However, he had enough strength in him—artificial, no doubt—to almost bring us to an end, as you will soon hear."
"The manager appeared silently in the doorway; I stepped out at once and he drew the curtain after me. The Russian, eyed curiously by the pilgrims, was staring at the shore. I followed the direction of his glance.
"The manager silently appeared in the doorway; I stepped out right away and he pulled the curtain closed behind me. The Russian, curiously observed by the pilgrims, was staring at the shore. I followed where he was looking."
"Dark human shapes could be made out in the distance, flitting indistinctly against the gloomy border of the forest, and near the river two bronze figures, leaning on tall spears, stood in the sunlight under fantastic headdresses of spotted skins, warlike and still in statuesque repose. And from right to left along the lighted shore moved a wild and gorgeous apparition of a woman.
"Dark human figures could be seen in the distance, moving vaguely against the dim edge of the forest. Near the river, two bronze figures leaned on tall spears, standing in the sunlight under elaborate headdresses made of spotted skins, fierce yet frozen in a statuesque pose. And from right to left along the bright shore, a wild and stunning vision of a woman moved."
"She walked with measured steps, draped in striped and fringed cloths, treading the earth proudly, with a slight jingle and flash of barbarous ornaments. She carried her head high; her hair was done in the shape of a helmet; she had brass leggings to the knee, brass wire gauntlets to the elbow, a crimson spot on her tawny cheek, innumerable necklaces of glass beads on her neck; bizarre things, charms, gifts of witch-men, that hung about her, glittered and trembled at every step. She must have had the value of several elephant tusks upon her. She was savage and superb, wild-eyed and magnificent; there was something ominous and stately in her deliberate progress. And in the hush that had fallen suddenly upon the whole sorrowful land, the immense wilderness, the colossal body of the fecund and mysterious life seemed to look at her, pensive, as though it had been looking at the image of its own tenebrous and passionate soul.
She walked with deliberate steps, wrapped in striped and fringed fabrics, stepping proudly on the ground, accompanied by a light jingle and glimpse of fierce ornaments. She held her head high; her hair was styled like a helmet; she wore brass leggings up to her knees, brass wire gauntlets up to her elbows, a red mark on her tan cheek, and countless glass bead necklaces around her neck; strange things, charms, gifts from sorcerers, hung around her, sparkling and swaying with every step. She must have worn the equivalent of several elephant tusks. She was fierce and stunning, wild-eyed and impressive; there was something foreboding and grand in her measured stride. And in the sudden silence that enveloped the entire sorrowful land, the vast wilderness, the immense presence of the lush and mysterious life seemed to gaze at her thoughtfully, as if it were seeing the reflection of its own dark and passionate spirit.
"She came abreast of the steamer, stood still, and faced us. Her long shadow fell to the water's edge. Her face had a tragic and fierce aspect of wild sorrow and of dumb pain mingled with the fear of some struggling, half-shaped resolve. She stood looking at us without a stir and like the wilderness itself, with an air of brooding over an inscrutable purpose. A whole minute passed, and then she made a step forward. There was a low jingle, a glint of yellow metal, a sway of fringed draperies, and she stopped as if her heart had failed her. The young fellow by my side growled. The pilgrims murmured at my back. She looked at us all as if her life had depended upon the unswerving steadiness of her glance. Suddenly she opened her bared arms and threw them up rigid above her head, as though in an uncontrollable desire to touch the sky, and at the same time the swift shadows darted out on the earth, swept around on the river, gathering the steamer into a shadowy embrace. A formidable silence hung over the scene.
She came up to the steamer, paused, and faced us. Her long shadow stretched to the water's edge. Her face had a tragic, fierce look filled with wild sorrow and mute pain mixed with the fear of some struggling, half-formed determination. She stood there staring at us without moving, like the wilderness itself, with an air of brooding over an inscrutable purpose. A whole minute went by, and then she took a step forward. There was a soft jingle, a flash of yellow metal, a sway of fringed fabric, and she stopped as if her heart had given out. The young guy next to me grumbled. The pilgrims behind me whispered. She looked at all of us as if her life depended on the unwavering steadiness of her gaze. Suddenly, she opened her arms wide and raised them rigidly above her head, as if she had an uncontrollable urge to touch the sky, and at the same time, the swift shadows shot out onto the ground, swept around the river, wrapping the steamer in a shadowy embrace. A heavy silence hung over the scene.
"She turned away slowly, walked on, following the bank, and passed into the bushes to the left. Once only her eyes gleamed back at us in the dusk of the thickets before she disappeared.
She slowly turned away, continued walking along the bank, and entered the bushes to her left. For a moment, her eyes shone back at us in the dim light of the thickets before she vanished.
"'If she had offered to come aboard I really think I would have tried to shoot her,' said the man of patches, nervously. 'I had been risking my life every day for the last fortnight to keep her out of the house. She got in one day and kicked up a row about those miserable rags I picked up in the storeroom to mend my clothes with. I wasn't decent. At least it must have been that, for she talked like a fury to Kurtz for an hour, pointing at me now and then. I don't understand the dialect of this tribe. Luckily for me, I fancy Kurtz felt too ill that day to care, or there would have been mischief. I don't understand. . . . No—it's too much for me. Ah, well, it's all over now.'
"'If she had offered to come aboard, I honestly think I would have tried to shoot her,' said the man with the patches, nervously. 'I had been risking my life every day for the past two weeks to keep her out of the house. She came in one day and made a scene about those pathetic rags I picked up in the storeroom to fix my clothes. I wasn't decent. At least that must have been it, because she yelled at Kurtz for an hour, pointing at me every now and then. I don't get the language of this tribe. Fortunately for me, I think Kurtz was feeling too sick that day to care, or there would have been trouble. I just don't get it... No—it's too much for me. Ah, well, it's all over now.'
"At this moment I heard Kurtz's deep voice behind the curtain, 'Save me!—save the ivory, you mean. Don't tell me. Save me! Why, I've had to save you. You are interrupting my plans now. Sick! Sick! Not so sick as you would like to believe. Never mind. I'll carry my ideas out yet—I will return. I'll show you what can be done. You with your little peddling notions—you are interfering with me. I will return. I . . .'
"Right then, I heard Kurtz's deep voice behind the curtain, 'Save me!—save the ivory, you mean. Don't try to deny it. Save me! Why, I've had to save you. You're getting in the way of my plans now. Sick! Sick! Not as sick as you think I am. Whatever. I'll still make my ideas happen—I will come back. I'll show you what can be done. You and your petty little schemes—you’re getting in my way. I will come back. I . . .'
"The manager came out. He did me the honor to take me under the arm and lead me aside. 'He is very low, very low,' he said. He considered it necessary to sigh, but neglected to be consistently sorrowful. 'We have done all we could for him—haven't we? But there is no disguising the fact, Mr. Kurtz has done more harm than good to the Company. He did not see the time was not ripe for vigorous action. Cautiously, cautiously—that's my principle. We must be cautious yet. The district is closed to us for a time. Deplorable! Upon the whole, the trade will suffer. I don't deny there is a remarkable quantity of ivory—mostly fossil. We must save it, at all events—but look how precarious the position is—and why? Because the method is unsound.' 'Do you,' said I, looking at the shore, 'call it "unsound method"?' 'Without doubt,' he exclaimed, hotly. 'Don't you?' . . . 'No method at all,' I murmured after a while. 'Exactly,' he exulted. 'I anticipated this. Shows a complete want of judgment. It is my duty to point it out in the proper quarter.' 'Oh,' said I, 'that fellow—what's his name?—the brickmaker, will make a readable report for you.' He appeared confounded for a moment. It seemed to me I had never breathed an atmosphere so vile, and I turned mentally to Kurtz for relief—positively for relief. 'Nevertheless I think Mr. Kurtz is a remarkable man,' I said with emphasis. He started, dropped on me a cold heavy glance, said very quietly, 'He was,' and turned his back on me. My hour of favor was over; I found myself lumped along with Kurtz as a partisan of methods for which the time was not ripe: I was unsound! Ah! but it was something to have at least a choice of nightmares.
The manager came out. He took me by the arm and led me aside. "He’s very down, very down," he said. He felt the need to sigh, but didn't consistently look sorrowful. "We've done everything we could for him—right? But we can't ignore the fact that Mr. Kurtz has done more harm than good for the Company. He didn’t see that the time wasn’t right for bold action. Cautiously, cautiously—that’s my principle. We must be careful still. The area is off-limits to us for a while. It’s unfortunate! Overall, trade will suffer. I won’t deny there’s a significant amount of ivory—mostly fossil. We need to save it, at all costs—but look how unstable the situation is—and why? Because the method is flawed." "Do you," I said, looking at the shore, "call it a 'flawed method'?" "Undoubtedly," he exclaimed, heatedly. "Don’t you?" ... "No method at all," I murmured after a moment. "Exactly," he said eagerly. "I expected this. It shows a complete lack of judgment. It's my duty to point it out to the right people." "Oh," I said, "that guy—what's his name?—the brickmaker, will write a report for you." He looked stunned for a moment. It felt like I had never been in such a toxic atmosphere, and I mentally turned to Kurtz for relief—positively for relief. "Still, I think Mr. Kurtz is a remarkable man," I said emphatically. He flinched, gave me a cold, heavy look, and said very quietly, "He was," and turned his back on me. My moment of favor was over; I found myself lumped together with Kurtz as someone who supported methods that weren't ready for the moment: I was unsound! Ah! but at least it was something to have a choice of nightmares.
"I had turned to the wilderness really, not to Mr. Kurtz, who, I was ready to admit, was as good as buried. And for a moment it seemed to me as if I also were buried in a vast grave full of unspeakable secrets. I felt an intolerable weight oppressing my breast, the smell of the damp earth, the unseen presence of victorious corruption, the darkness of an impenetrable night. . . . The Russian tapped me on the shoulder. I heard him mumbling and stammering something about 'brother seaman—couldn't conceal—knowledge of matters that would affect Mr. Kurtz's reputation.' I waited. For him evidently Mr. Kurtz was not in his grave; I suspect that for him Mr. Kurtz was one of the immortals. 'Well!' said I at last, 'speak out. As it happens, I am Mr. Kurtz's friend—in a way.'
"I had really turned to the wilderness, not to Mr. Kurtz, who I was ready to admit was basically buried. For a moment, it felt like I was also buried in a vast grave full of unspeakable secrets. I felt an unbearable weight pressing on my chest, the smell of damp earth, the unseen presence of victorious corruption, the darkness of an impenetrable night. . . . The Russian tapped me on the shoulder. I heard him mumbling and stammering something about 'brother seaman—couldn't hide—knowledge of things that might affect Mr. Kurtz's reputation.' I waited. For him, it was clear Mr. Kurtz wasn't in his grave; I suspect that for him, Mr. Kurtz was one of the immortals. 'Well!' I finally said, 'speak up. As it happens, I am Mr. Kurtz's friend—in a way.'"
"He stated with a good deal of formality that had we not been 'of the same profession,' he would have kept the matter to himself without regard to consequences. 'He suspected there was an active ill-will towards him on the part of these white men that—' 'You are right,' I said, remembering a certain conversation I had overheard. 'The manager thinks you ought to be hanged.' He showed a concern at this intelligence which amused me at first. 'I had better get out of the way quietly,' he said, earnestly. 'I can do no more for Kurtz now, and they would soon find some excuse. What's to stop them? There's a military post three hundred miles from here.' 'Well, upon my word,' said I, 'perhaps you had better go if you have any friends amongst the savages near by.' 'Plenty,' he said. 'They are simple people—and I want nothing, you know.' He stood biting his lips, then: 'I don't want any harm to happen to these whites here, but of course I was thinking of Mr. Kurtz's reputation—but you are a brother seaman and—' 'All right,' said I, after a time. 'Mr. Kurtz's reputation is safe with me.' I did not know how truly I spoke.
He said quite formally that if we hadn’t been 'in the same line of work,' he would have kept it to himself without worrying about the consequences. 'He suspected these white men had some real ill-will toward him because—' 'You're right,' I replied, recalling a conversation I had overheard. 'The manager thinks you should be hanged.' He seemed worried by this news, which amused me at first. 'I should probably get out of here quietly,' he said earnestly. 'I can’t do anything more for Kurtz now, and they would soon find some reason to come after me. What’s to stop them? There’s a military post three hundred miles from here.' 'Well, I must say,' I said, 'maybe you should leave if you have any friends among the locals nearby.' 'Definitely,' he replied. 'They’re simple people—and I want nothing, you know.' He stood there biting his lips, then added, 'I don’t want any harm to come to these white men here, but of course I was thinking about Mr. Kurtz's reputation—but you’re a fellow sailor and—' 'Okay,' I said after a moment. 'Mr. Kurtz's reputation is safe with me.' I didn’t realize how true that was.
"He informed me, lowering his voice, that it was Kurtz who had ordered the attack to be made on the steamer. 'He hated sometimes the idea of being taken away—and then again. . . . But I don't understand these matters. I am a simple man. He thought it would scare you away—that you would give it up, thinking him dead. I could not stop him. Oh, I had an awful time of it this last month.' 'Very well,' I said. 'He is all right now.' 'Ye-e-es,' he muttered, not very convinced apparently. 'Thanks,' said I; 'I shall keep my eyes open.' 'But quiet—eh?' he urged, anxiously. 'It would be awful for his reputation if anybody here—' I promised a complete discretion with great gravity. 'I have a canoe and three black fellows waiting not very far. I am off. Could you give me a few Martini-Henry cartridges?' I could, and did, with proper secrecy. He helped himself, with a wink at me, to a handful of my tobacco. 'Between sailors—you know—good English tobacco.' At the door of the pilot-house he turned round—' I say, haven't you a pair of shoes you could spare?' He raised one leg. 'Look.' The soles were tied with knotted strings sandal-wise under his bare feet. I rooted out an old pair, at which he looked with admiration before tucking it under his left arm. One of his pockets (bright red) was bulging with cartridges, from the other (dark blue) peeped 'Towson's Inquiry,' &c., &c. He seemed to think himself excellently well equipped for a renewed encounter with the wilderness. 'Ah! I'll never, never meet such a man again. You ought to have heard him recite poetry—his own too it was, he told me. Poetry!' He rolled his eyes at the recollection of these delights. 'Oh, he enlarged my mind!' 'Goodby,' said I. He shook hands and vanished in the night. Sometimes I ask myself whether I had ever really seen him—whether it was possible to meet such a phenomenon! . . .
"He told me, lowering his voice, that it was Kurtz who had ordered the attack on the steamer. 'He sometimes hated the thought of being taken away—and then again… But I don’t get these things. I’m just a simple guy. He thought it would scare you off—that you’d give up, thinking he was dead. I couldn’t stop him. Oh, it was a tough month for me.' 'Alright,' I said. 'He’s fine now.' 'Y-e-e-s,' he muttered, not sounding very convinced. 'Thanks,' I replied; 'I’ll keep my eyes open.' 'But quietly, okay?' he urged anxiously. 'It would be terrible for his reputation if anyone here—' I promised to keep it completely discreet with great seriousness. 'I have a canoe and three black guys waiting not too far away. I’m heading out. Could you spare a few Martini-Henry cartridges?' I could, and I did, in secret. He helped himself, winking at me, to a handful of my tobacco. 'Between sailors—you know—good English tobacco.' At the door of the pilot house, he turned around—'Hey, don’t you have an extra pair of shoes?' He lifted one leg. 'Look.' The soles were tied with knotted strings like sandals under his bare feet. I found an old pair, which he looked at with admiration before tucking them under his left arm. One of his pockets (bright red) was stuffed with cartridges, and from the other (dark blue) peeked 'Towson’s Inquiry,' etc., etc. He seemed to think he was well-equipped for another encounter with the wilderness. 'Ah! I’ll never, ever meet such a man again. You should have heard him recite poetry—his own too, he told me. Poetry!' He rolled his eyes at the memory of those delights. 'Oh, he opened my mind!' 'Goodbye,' I said. He shook my hand and disappeared into the night. Sometimes I wonder if I really saw him—whether it was even possible to meet such a phenomenon!..."
"When I woke up shortly after midnight his warning came to my mind with its hint of danger that seemed, in the starred darkness, real enough to make me get up for the purpose of having a look round. On the hill a big fire burned, illuminating fitfully a crooked corner of the station-house. One of the agents with a picket of a few of our blacks, armed for the purpose, was keeping guard over the ivory; but deep within the forest, red gleams that wavered, that seemed to sink and rise from the ground amongst confused columnar shapes of intense blackness, showed the exact position of the camp where Mr. Kurtz's adorers were keeping their uneasy vigil. The monotonous beating of a big drum filled the air with muffled shocks and a lingering vibration. A steady droning sound of many men chanting each to himself some weird incantation came out from the black, flat wall of the woods as the humming of bees comes out of a hive, and had a strange narcotic effect upon my half-awake senses. I believe I dozed off leaning over the rail, till an abrupt burst of yells, an overwhelming outbreak of a pent-up and mysterious frenzy, woke me up in a bewildered wonder. It was cut short all at once, and the low droning went on with an effect of audible and soothing silence. I glanced casually into the little cabin. A light was burning within, but Mr. Kurtz was not there.
When I woke up shortly after midnight, his warning popped into my head with a hint of danger that felt, in the starry darkness, real enough to make me get up and look around. On the hill, a large fire was burning, flickering in and out on a crooked corner of the station house. One of the agents, with a few of our Black crew, armed for the job, was guarding the ivory; but deep in the forest, red glimmers that swayed, rising and falling from the ground among the dark, twisted shapes, indicated the exact spot where Mr. Kurtz's followers were keeping their uneasy watch. The steady beating of a big drum filled the air with dull thuds and a lingering vibration. A constant droning sound of many men each chanting some strange incantation resonated from the dense, flat wall of trees, much like the humming of bees from a hive, and it had a weird, intoxicating effect on my half-awake senses. I think I dozed off leaning over the rail until a sudden outburst of yells, an overwhelming surge of repressed and mysterious frenzy, jolted me awake in bewildered amazement. It stopped abruptly, and the low droning resumed, creating a sense of soothing silence. I glanced casually into the small cabin. There was a light on inside, but Mr. Kurtz wasn't there.
"I think I would have raised an outcry if I had believed my eyes. But I didn't believe them at first—the thing seemed so impossible. The fact is I was completely unnerved by a sheer blank fright, pure abstract terror, unconnected with any distinct shape of physical danger. What made this emotion so overpowering was—how shall I define it?—the moral shock I received, as if something altogether monstrous, intolerable to thought and odious to the soul, had been thrust upon me unexpectedly. This lasted of course the merest fraction of a second, and then the usual sense of commonplace, deadly danger, the possibility of a sudden onslaught and massacre, or something of the kind, which I saw impending, was positively welcome and composing. It pacified me, in fact, so much, that I did not raise an alarm.
"I think I would have shouted out if I had believed what I saw. But at first, I couldn’t believe it—the thing seemed impossible. The truth is, I was completely shaken by a blank, pure fear, totally unconnected to any specific threat. What made this feeling so intense was—how can I explain it?—the moral shock I felt, like something completely monstrous, intolerable to think about, and repulsive to my soul, had suddenly been thrown at me. This lasted only a split second, and then the usual sense of ordinary, deadly danger—the possibility of a sudden attack and massacre, or something like that, which I sensed was coming—was almost a relief. It calmed me down so much that I didn’t raise an alarm."
"There was an agent buttoned up inside an ulster and sleeping on a chair on deck within three feet of me. The yells had not awakened him; he snored very slightly; I left him to his slumbers and leaped ashore. I did not betray Mr. Kurtz—it was ordered I should never betray him—it was written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my choice. I was anxious to deal with this shadow by myself alone,—and to this day I don't know why I was so jealous of sharing with anyone the peculiar blackness of that experience.
There was an agent wearing an ulster and sleeping on a chair on deck just three feet away from me. The shouts hadn’t woken him; he snored softly. I left him to his sleep and jumped ashore. I didn’t betray Mr. Kurtz—it was ordered that I should never betray him—it was stated that I should be loyal to the nightmare I chose. I was eager to confront this shadow on my own—and to this day, I still don’t know why I was so protective about sharing the unique darkness of that experience with anyone.
"As soon as I got on the bank I saw a trail—a broad trail through the grass. I remember the exultation with which I said to myself, 'He can't walk—he is crawling on all-fours—I've got him.' The grass was wet with dew. I strode rapidly with clenched fists. I fancy I had some vague notion of falling upon him and giving him a drubbing. I don't know. I had some imbecile thoughts. The knitting old woman with the cat obtruded herself upon my memory as a most improper person to be sitting at the other end of such an affair. I saw a row of pilgrims squirting lead in the air out of Winchesters held to the hip. I thought I would never get back to the steamer, and imagined myself living alone and unarmed in the woods to an advanced age. Such silly things—you know. And I remember I confounded the beat of the drum with the beating of my heart, and was pleased at its calm regularity.
"As soon as I reached the bank, I noticed a path—a wide path through the grass. I remember how thrilled I was when I thought, 'He can't walk—he's crawling on all fours—I’ve got him.' The grass was wet with dew. I walked quickly with my fists clenched. I think I had some vague idea of jumping on him and giving him a beating. I don't know. I had some foolish thoughts. The old woman knitting with the cat popped into my mind as a totally inappropriate person to be sitting at the other end of such a situation. I saw a line of pilgrims firing bullets into the air from their Winchesters held at the hip. I thought I would never make it back to the steamer, and I pictured myself living alone and defenseless in the woods into old age. Such silly things—you know. And I remember confusing the drumbeat with the pounding of my heart, and I was pleased by its calm regularity."
"I kept to the track though—then stopped to listen. The night was very clear: a dark blue space, sparkling with dew and starlight, in which black things stood very still. I thought I could see a kind of motion ahead of me. I was strangely cocksure of everything that night. I actually left the track and ran in a wide semicircle (I verily believe chuckling to myself) so as to get in front of that stir, of that motion I had seen—if indeed I had seen anything. I was circumventing Kurtz as though it had been a boyish game.
"I stayed on the path but then paused to listen. The night was crystal clear: a deep blue sky, glittering with dew and starlight, where dark shapes stood completely still. I thought I saw some sort of movement ahead of me. I felt incredibly confident about everything that night. I actually stepped off the path and ran in a wide arc (I really think I was chuckling to myself) to get in front of that stir, that motion I thought I had seen—if I had seen anything at all. I was going around Kurtz like it was a playful game."
"I came upon him, and, if he had not heard me coming, I would have fallen over him too, but he got up in time. He rose, unsteady, long, pale, indistinct, like a vapor exhaled by the earth, and swayed slightly, misty and silent before me; while at my back the fires loomed between the trees, and the murmur of many voices issued from the forest. I had cut him off cleverly; but when actually confronting him I seemed to come to my senses, I saw the danger in its right proportion. It was by no means over yet. Suppose he began to shout? Though he could hardly stand, there was still plenty of vigor in his voice. 'Go away—hide yourself,' he said, in that profound tone. It was very awful. I glanced back. We were within thirty yards from the nearest fire. A black figure stood up, strode on long black legs, waving long black arms, across the glow. It had horns—antelope horns, I think—on its head. Some sorcerer, some witch-man, no doubt: it looked fiend-like enough. 'Do you know what you are doing?' I whispered. 'Perfectly,' he answered, raising his voice for that single word: it sounded to me far off and yet loud, like a hail through a speaking-trumpet. 'If he makes a row we are lost,' I thought to myself. This clearly was not a case for fisticuffs, even apart from the very natural aversion I had to beat that Shadow—this wandering and tormented thing. 'You will be lost,' I said—'utterly lost.' One gets sometimes such a flash of inspiration, you know. I did say the right thing, though indeed he could not have been more irretrievably lost than he was at this very moment, when the foundations of our intimacy were being laid—to endure—to endure—even to the end—even beyond.
I stumbled across him, and if he hadn't heard me approaching, I would have tripped over him too, but he got up just in time. He stood up, unsteady, tall, pale, and vague, like mist rising from the ground, swaying slightly, hazy and quiet before me, while behind me the fires glowed through the trees, and the sound of many voices drifted from the forest. I had cleverly cut him off; but as I actually faced him, I regained my composure and recognized the danger for what it truly was. It was far from over. What if he started to shout? Even though he could barely stand, his voice still had plenty of strength. "Get away—hide," he said, in that deep voice. It was really terrifying. I glanced back. We were only about thirty yards from the nearest fire. A dark figure emerged, moving on long black legs, waving long black arms across the glow. It had horns—I'm pretty sure they were antelope horns—on its head. Some sorcerer, some witch doctor, no doubt: it looked pretty demonic. "Do you know what you're doing?" I whispered. "Absolutely," he answered, raising his voice for that one word: it sounded distant and yet loud, like a shout through a megaphone. "If he makes a scene, we're done for," I thought to myself. Clearly, this wasn't a situation for fighting, not to mention my natural reluctance to harm that Shadow—this wandering, tormented soul. "You will be lost," I said—"completely lost." Sometimes you just get these flashes of insight, you know? I really said the right thing, even though he couldn't have been more hopelessly lost than he was at that very moment, when the foundations of our bond were being established—to endure—to endure—even to the end—even beyond.
"'I had immense plans,' he muttered irresolutely. 'Yes,' said I; 'but if you try to shout I'll smash your head with—' There was not a stick or a stone near. 'I will throttle you for good,' I corrected myself. 'I was on the threshold of great things,' he pleaded, in a voice of longing, with a wistfulness of tone that made my blood run cold. 'And now for this stupid scoundrel—' 'Your success in Europe is assured in any case,' I affirmed, steadily. I did not want to have the throttling of him, you understand—and indeed it would have been very little use for any practical purpose. I tried to break the spell—the heavy, mute spell of the wilderness—that seemed to draw him to its pitiless breast by the awakening of forgotten and brutal instincts, by the memory of gratified and monstrous passions. This alone, I was convinced, had driven him out to the edge of the forest, to the bush, towards the gleam of fires, the throb of drums, the drone of weird incantations; this alone had beguiled his unlawful soul beyond the bounds of permitted aspirations. And, don't you see, the terror of the position was not in being knocked on the head—though I had a very lively sense of that danger too—but in this, that I had to deal with a being to whom I could not appeal in the name of anything high or low. I had, even like the niggers, to invoke him—himself his own exalted and incredible degradation. There was nothing either above or below him, and I knew it. He had kicked himself loose of the earth. Confound the man! he had kicked the very earth to pieces. He was alone, and I before him did not know whether I stood on the ground or floated in the air. I've been telling you what we said—repeating the phrases we pronounced,—but what's the good? They were common everyday words,—the familiar, vague sounds exchanged on every waking day of life. But what of that? They had behind them, to my mind, the terrific suggestiveness of words heard in dreams, of phrases spoken in nightmares. Soul! If anybody had ever struggled with a soul, I am the man. And I wasn't arguing with a lunatic either. Believe me or not, his intelligence was perfectly clear—concentrated, it is true, upon himself with horrible intensity, yet clear; and therein was my only chance—barring, of course, the killing him there and then, which wasn't so good, on account of unavoidable noise. But his soul was mad. Being alone in the wilderness, it had looked within itself, and, by heavens! I tell you, it had gone mad. I had—for my sins, I suppose—to go through the ordeal of looking into it myself. No eloquence could have been so withering to one's belief in mankind as his final burst of sincerity. He struggled with himself, too. I saw it,—I heard it. I saw the inconceivable mystery of a soul that knew no restraint, no faith, and no fear, yet struggling blindly with itself. I kept my head pretty well; but when I had him at last stretched on the couch, I wiped my forehead, while my legs shook under me as though I had carried half a ton on my back down that hill. And yet I had only supported him, his bony arm clasped round my neck—and he was not much heavier than a child.
"'I had big plans,' he muttered uncertainly. 'Yeah,' I said; 'but if you try to yell, I'll smash your head with—' There wasn't a stick or a stone nearby. 'I will strangle you for good,' I corrected myself. 'I was on the verge of great things,' he pleaded, with a voice full of longing, a wistful tone that sent chills down my spine. 'And now for this stupid jerk—' 'Your success in Europe is guaranteed anyway,' I assured him firmly. I didn’t want to strangle him, you know—and honestly, it wouldn’t have been very useful in any practical way. I tried to break the spell—the heavy, silent spell of the wilderness—that seemed to pull him into its merciless embrace by awakening forgotten and brutal instincts, by the memory of satisfied and monstrous desires. I was convinced that this alone had driven him out to the edge of the forest, to the bush, toward the flicker of fires, the beat of drums, the hum of strange incantations; this alone had led his lawless soul beyond the limits of acceptable ambitions. And, don't you see, the fear wasn't just about getting knocked out—though I was definitely aware of that danger too—but in the fact that I had to deal with someone I couldn't appeal to for anything higher or lower. I had, like the locals, to call on him—himself, in his own exalted and incredible degradation. There was nothing above or below him, and I knew it. He had detached himself from reality. Damn the guy! He had shattered the very earth. He was alone, and I stood before him not knowing if I was on solid ground or floating in the air. I've been telling you what we said—repeating our words—but what's the point? They were everyday phrases—the familiar, vague sounds exchanged in the routine of life. But what of that? They carried, to me, the terrifying suggestiveness of words spoken in dreams, of phrases uttered in nightmares. Soul! If anyone has ever struggled with their soul, it’s me. And I wasn't arguing with a lunatic either. Believe it or not, his intelligence was crystal clear—intensely focused, it’s true, on himself, but still clear; and that was my only chance—unless, of course, I killed him right there, which wasn’t a good idea because of the unavoidable noise. But his soul was insane. Alone in the wilderness, it had turned inward, and, I swear! I tell you, it had gone mad. I had—to my misfortune, I suppose—to endure the ordeal of looking into it myself. No eloquence could have been more devastating to my belief in humanity than his final explosion of sincerity. He battled with himself too. I saw it—I heard it. I witnessed the unimaginable mystery of a soul that knew no restraint, no faith, and no fear, yet was struggling aimlessly with itself. I kept my composure; but when I finally had him laid out on the couch, I wiped my forehead, while my legs trembled beneath me as if I had carried half a ton on my back down that hill. And yet I had only supported him, his bony arm wrapped around my neck—and he wasn’t much heavier than a child.
"When next day we left at noon, the crowd, of whose presence behind the curtain of trees I had been acutely conscious all the time, flowed out of the woods again, filled the clearing, covered the slope with a mass of naked, breathing, quivering, bronze bodies. I steamed up a bit, then swung down-stream, and two thousand eyes followed the evolutions of the splashing, thumping, fierce river-demon beating the water with its terrible tail and breathing black smoke into the air. In front of the first rank, along the river, three men, plastered with bright red earth from head to foot, strutted to and fro restlessly. When we came abreast again, they faced the river, stamped their feet, nodded their horned heads, swayed their scarlet bodies; they shook towards the fierce river-demon a bunch of black feathers, a mangy skin with a pendent tail—something that looked like a dried gourd; they shouted periodically together strings of amazing words that resembled no sounds of human language; and the deep murmurs of the crowd, interrupted suddenly, were like the response of some satanic litany.
When we left at noon the next day, the crowd, whose presence I had been aware of behind the curtain of trees all along, poured out of the woods again, filled the clearing, and covered the slope with a mass of naked, breathing, quivering bronze bodies. I heated up a bit, then drifted downstream, and two thousand eyes followed the movements of the splashing, thumping, fierce river-demon thrashing the water with its terrible tail and exhaling black smoke into the air. In front of the first row, along the river, three men, completely covered in bright red earth from head to toe, paced back and forth restlessly. When we came level with them again, they faced the river, stomped their feet, nodded their horned heads, and swayed their scarlet bodies; they waved a bunch of black feathers, a scraggly skin with a dangling tail—something that looked like a dried gourd—toward the fierce river-demon; they periodically shouted together strings of astonishing words that didn’t resemble any human language; and the deep murmurs of the crowd, suddenly interrupted, were like the response to some demonic chant.
"We had carried Kurtz into the pilot-house: there was more air there. Lying on the couch, he stared through the open shutter. There was an eddy in the mass of human bodies, and the woman with helmeted head and tawny cheeks rushed out to the very brink of the stream. She put out her hands, shouted something, and all that wild mob took up the shout in a roaring chorus of articulated, rapid, breathless utterance.
"We had carried Kurtz into the pilot house; it was less stuffy there. Lying on the couch, he looked through the open shutter. There was a stir among the crowd of people, and the woman with the helmeted head and tan cheeks rushed right to the edge of the stream. She reached out her hands, shouted something, and the entire wild crowd echoed her words in a loud, rapid, breathless chorus."
"'Do you understand this?' I asked.
"Do you get this?" I asked.
"He kept on looking out past me with fiery, longing eyes, with a mingled expression of wistfulness and hate. He made no answer, but I saw a smile, a smile of indefinable meaning, appear on his colorless lips that a moment after twitched convulsively. 'Do I not?' he said slowly, gasping, as if the words had been torn out of him by a supernatural power.
"He kept staring past me with intense, longing eyes, showing a mix of yearning and anger. He didn’t respond, but I noticed a smile, one that was hard to define, form on his pale lips that then twitched uncontrollably. 'Don’t I?' he said slowly, gasping, as if the words had been pulled out of him by some supernatural force."
"I pulled the string of the whistle, and I did this because I saw the pilgrims on deck getting out their rifles with an air of anticipating a jolly lark. At the sudden screech there was a movement of abject terror through that wedged mass of bodies. 'Don't! Don't you frighten them away,' cried someone on deck disconsolately. I pulled the string time after time. They broke and ran, they leaped, they crouched, they swerved, they dodged the flying terror of the sound. The three red chaps had fallen flat, face down on the shore, as though they had been shot dead. Only the barbarous and superb woman did not so much as flinch, and stretched tragically her bare arms after us over the somber and glittering river.
I pulled the whistle cord because I saw the pilgrims on deck taking out their rifles, clearly ready for a fun adventure. At the sudden screech, panic swept through that packed group of people. "Don't! Don't scare them away!" someone shouted from the deck, sounding disheartened. I kept pulling the cord over and over. They scattered and ran, jumping, crouching, swerving, and dodging the terrifying sound. The three red guys fell flat on their faces on the shore, as if they had been shot. Only the fierce and striking woman didn’t flinch at all; she reached out dramatically with her bare arms towards us over the dark and shimmering river.
"And then that imbecile crowd down on the deck started their little fun, and I could see nothing more for smoke.
"And then that stupid crowd on the deck started their little game, and I couldn't see anything because of the smoke."
"The brown current ran swiftly out of the heart of darkness, bearing us down towards the sea with twice the speed of our upward progress; and Kurtz's life was running swiftly too, ebbing, ebbing out of his heart into the sea of inexorable time. The manager was very placid, he had no vital anxieties now, he took us both in with a comprehensive and satisfied glance: the 'affair' had come off as well as could be wished. I saw the time approaching when I would be left alone of the party of 'unsound method.' The pilgrims looked upon me with disfavor. I was, so to speak, numbered with the dead. It is strange how I accepted this unforeseen partnership, this choice of nightmares forced upon me in the tenebrous land invaded by these mean and greedy phantoms.
"The brown river flowed quickly out of the heart of darkness, carrying us towards the sea at twice the speed of our climb; Kurtz's life was also slipping away, fading out of his heart into the relentless sea of time. The manager was calm, free from any real worries now, taking us in with a satisfied, all-encompassing look: the 'affair' had turned out as well as anyone could have hoped. I could see the moment coming when I would be left alone among the group disapproving of my 'unsound method.' The others regarded me with disdain. I was, in a sense, counted among the dead. It's strange how I came to accept this unexpected alliance, this nightmare thrust upon me in the dark land invaded by these mean and greedy ghosts."
"Kurtz discoursed. A voice! a voice! It rang deep to the very last. It survived his strength to hide in the magnificent folds of eloquence the barren darkness of his heart. Oh, he struggled! he struggled! The wastes of his weary brain were haunted by shadowy images now—images of wealth and fame revolving obsequiously round his unextinguishable gift of noble and lofty expression. My Intended, my station, my career, my ideas—these were the subjects for the occasional utterances of elevated sentiments. The shade of the original Kurtz frequented the bedside of the hollow sham, whose fate it was to be buried presently in the mold of primeval earth. But both the diabolic love and the unearthly hate of the mysteries it had penetrated fought for the possession of that soul satiated with primitive emotions, avid of lying fame, of sham distinction, of all the appearances of success and power.
"Kurtz spoke. A voice! A voice! It resonated deep till the very end. It outlasted his strength, hiding within the beautiful eloquence the empty darkness of his heart. Oh, he fought! he fought! The barren landscapes of his tired mind were now haunted by shadowy images—images of wealth and fame spinning around his unquenchable talent for noble and lofty speech. My Intended, my position, my career, my ideas—these were the topics for his occasional expressions of elevated thoughts. The essence of the original Kurtz lingered by the bed of the hollow facade, destined to be buried soon in the ancient earth. Yet both the twisted love and the otherworldly hate from the mysteries he had explored battled for control of that soul, filled with primal emotions, craving false fame, superficial distinction, and all the appearances of success and power."
"Sometimes he was contemptibly childish. He desired to have kings meet him at railway-stations on his return from some ghastly Nowhere, where he intended to accomplish great things. 'You show them you have in you something that is really profitable, and then there will be no limits to the recognition of your ability,' he would say. 'Of course you must take care of the motives—right motives—always.' The long reaches that were like one and the same reach, monotonous bends that were exactly alike, slipped past the steamer with their multitude of secular trees looking patiently after this grimy fragment of another world, the forerunner of change, of conquest, of trade, of massacres, of blessings. I looked ahead—piloting. 'Close the shutter,' said Kurtz suddenly one day; 'I can't bear to look at this.' I did so. There was a silence. 'Oh, but I will wring your heart yet!' he cried at the invisible wilderness.
"Sometimes he acted really immature. He wanted kings to meet him at train stations when he returned from some terrible place, where he believed he could achieve great things. 'If you show them you have something truly valuable, the recognition of your abilities will be limitless,' he would say. 'Of course, you need to watch your motives—always make sure they’re the right ones.' The long stretches of water, looking like one endless stretch, and the identical, monotonous bends, passed by the steamer, with countless age-old trees watching patiently as this dirty piece of another world approached, a sign of change, conquest, trade, massacres, and blessings. I looked ahead—piloting. 'Close the shutter,' Kurtz said suddenly one day; 'I can’t stand to see this.' I did that. There was silence. 'Oh, but I will break your heart yet!' he shouted at the unseen wilderness."
"We broke down—as I had expected—and had to lie up for repairs at the head of an island. This delay was the first thing that shook Kurtz's confidence. One morning he gave me a packet of papers and a photograph,—the lot tied together with a shoe-string. 'Keep this for me,' he said. 'This noxious fool' (meaning the manager) 'is capable of prying into my boxes when I am not looking.' In the afternoon I saw him. He was lying on his back with closed eyes, and I withdrew quietly, but I heard him mutter, 'Live rightly, die, die . . .' I listened. There was nothing more. Was he rehearsing some speech in his sleep, or was it a fragment of a phrase from some newspaper article? He had been writing for the papers and meant to do so again, 'for the furthering of my ideas. It's a duty.'
"We broke down—as I expected—and had to stay put for repairs at the head of an island. This delay was the first thing that shook Kurtz's confidence. One morning he handed me a packet of papers and a photograph, all tied together with a shoelace. 'Keep this for me,' he said. 'This toxic idiot' (referring to the manager) 'is capable of going through my stuff when I’m not around.' In the afternoon, I saw him. He was lying on his back with his eyes closed, and I quietly backed away, but I heard him mutter, 'Live right, die, die...' I listened. There was nothing more. Was he practicing some speech in his sleep, or was it just a piece of a phrase from a newspaper article? He had been writing for the papers and intended to do so again, 'for the sake of promoting my ideas. It's a duty.'
"His was an impenetrable darkness. I looked at him as you peer down at a man who is lying at the bottom of a precipice where the sun never shines. But I had not much time to give him, because I was helping the engine-driver to take to pieces the leaky cylinders, to straighten a bent connecting-rod, and in other such matters. I lived in an infernal mess of rust, filings, nuts, bolts, spanners, hammers, ratchet-drills—things I abominate, because I don't get on with them. I tended the little forge we fortunately had aboard; I toiled wearily in a wretched scrap-heap—unless I had the shakes too bad to stand.
"His darkness was impenetrable. I looked at him like you would look down at a man lying at the bottom of a ravine where the sun never shines. But I didn’t have much time to spare for him because I was helping the engine driver take apart the leaking cylinders, straighten a bent connecting rod, and handle other tasks like that. I was surrounded by a chaotic mess of rust, metal shavings, nuts, bolts, wrenches, hammers, and ratchet drills—things I despise because I don’t work well with them. I managed the small forge we were lucky to have on board; I worked hard in a miserable scrap heap—unless I was shaking too badly to stand."
"One evening coming in with a candle I was startled to hear him say a little tremulously, 'I am lying here in the dark waiting for death.' The light was within a foot of his eyes. I forced myself to murmur, 'Oh, nonsense!' and stood over him as if transfixed.
"One evening, as I walked in with a candle, I was taken aback when he said a bit shakily, 'I'm lying here in the dark waiting for death.' The light was just a foot from his eyes. I made myself mumble, 'Oh, come on!' and stood over him as if I were frozen."
"Anything approaching the change that came over his features I have never seen before, and hope never to see again. Oh, I wasn't touched. I was fascinated. It was as though a veil had been rent. I saw on that ivory face the expression of somber pride, of ruthless power, of craven terror—of an intense and hopeless despair. Did he live his life again in every detail of desire, temptation, and surrender during that supreme moment of complete knowledge? He cried in a whisper at some image, at some vision,—he cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath—
"Anything like the change that overtook his face, I've never seen before and hope to never see again. Oh, I wasn't affected. I was captivated. It was as if a curtain had been torn away. I saw on that pale face the look of dark pride, of brutal power, of cowardly fear—of deep and hopeless despair. Did he relive every detail of his desires, temptations, and losses during that ultimate moment of complete understanding? He whispered in response to some image, some vision—he called out twice, a sound that barely escaped as a breath—
"'The horror! The horror!'
"'The horror! The horror!'"
"I blew the candle out and left the cabin. The pilgrims were dining in the mess-room, and I took my place opposite the manager, who lifted his eyes to give me a questioning glance, which I successfully ignored. He leaned back, serene, with that peculiar smile of his sealing the unexpressed depths of his meanness. A continuous shower of small flies streamed upon the lamp, upon the cloth, upon our hands and faces. Suddenly the manager's boy put his insolent black head in the doorway, and said in a tone of scathing contempt—
"I blew out the candle and left the cabin. The pilgrims were eating in the mess hall, and I took my seat across from the manager, who looked up at me with a questioning glance that I successfully ignored. He leaned back, calm, with that peculiar smile of his hiding the unspoken depths of his meanness. A steady stream of tiny flies buzzed around the lamp, the table, our hands, and faces. Suddenly, the manager's boy stuck his arrogant black head in the doorway and said in a tone of scorn—
"'Mistah Kurtz—he dead.'
"'Mr. Kurtz—he's dead.'"
"All the pilgrims rushed out to see. I remained, and went on with my dinner. I believe I was considered brutally callous. However, I did not eat much. There was a lamp in there—light, don't you know—and outside it was so beastly, beastly dark. I went no more near the remarkable man who had pronounced a judgment upon the adventures of his soul on this earth. The voice was gone. What else had been there? But I am of course aware that next day the pilgrims buried something in a muddy hole.
"All the pilgrims rushed out to take a look. I stayed behind and continued my dinner. I think people thought I was pretty heartless. Still, I didn't eat much. There was a lamp inside—light, you know—and outside it was incredibly, incredibly dark. I didn't go anywhere near that remarkable man who had passed judgment on his soul's journey through life. The voice was gone. What else had been there? But I know that the next day the pilgrims buried something in a muddy hole."
"And then they very nearly buried me.
And then they almost buried me.
"However, as you see, I did not go to join Kurtz there and then. I did not. I remained to dream the nightmare out to the end, and to show my loyalty to Kurtz once more. Destiny. My destiny! Droll thing life is—that mysterious arrangement of merciless logic for a futile purpose. The most you can hope from it is some knowledge of yourself—that comes too late—a crop of unextinguishable regrets. I have wrestled with death. It is the most unexciting contest you can imagine. It takes place in an impalpable grayness, with nothing underfoot, with nothing around, without spectators, without clamor, without glory, without the great desire of victory, without the great fear of defeat, in a sickly atmosphere of tepid skepticism, without much belief in your own right, and still less in that of your adversary. If such is the form of ultimate wisdom, then life is a greater riddle than some of us think it to be. I was within a hair's-breadth of the last opportunity for pronouncement, and I found with humiliation that probably I would have nothing to say. This is the reason why I affirm that Kurtz was a remarkable man. He had something to say. He said it. Since I had peeped over the edge myself, I understand better the meaning of his stare, that could not see the flame of the candle, but was wide enough to embrace the whole universe, piercing enough to penetrate all the hearts that beat in the darkness. He had summed up—he had judged. 'The horror!' He was a remarkable man. After all, this was the expression of some sort of belief; it had candor, it had conviction, it had a vibrating note of revolt in its whisper, it had the appalling face of a glimpsed truth—the strange commingling of desire and hate. And it is not my own extremity I remember best—a vision of grayness without form filled with physical pain, and a careless contempt for the evanescence of all things—even of this pain itself. No! It is his extremity that I seem to have lived through. True, he had made that last stride, he had stepped over the edge, while I had been permitted to draw back my hesitating foot. And perhaps in this is the whole difference; perhaps all the wisdom, and all truth, and all sincerity, are just compressed into that inappreciable moment of time in which we step over the threshold of the invisible. Perhaps! I like to think my summing-up would not have been a word of careless contempt. Better his cry—much better. It was an affirmation, a moral victory paid for by innumerable defeats, by abominable terrors, by abominable satisfactions. But it was a victory! That is why I have remained loyal to Kurtz to the last, and even beyond, when a long time after I heard once more, not his own voice, but the echo of his magnificent eloquence thrown to me from a soul as translucently pure as a cliff of crystal.
"However, as you can see, I didn't go to join Kurtz right then. I didn't. I chose to stay and see the nightmare through to the end, and to show my loyalty to Kurtz one more time. Destiny. My destiny! Life is such a strange thing—this mysterious arrangement of ruthless logic for a pointless purpose. The most you can hope for is some understanding of yourself—that comes too late—a harvest of unshakable regrets. I have wrestled with death. It’s the most boring contest you can imagine. It happens in a vague grayness, with nothing underfoot, nothing around, no audience, no noise, no glory, no big desire for victory, no big fear of defeat, in a sickly atmosphere of lukewarm skepticism, with little belief in your own right, and even less in that of your opponent. If this is what ultimate wisdom looks like, then life is a bigger puzzle than some of us realize. I was on the brink of my last chance to speak, and I found, with embarrassment, that I probably wouldn’t have anything to say. That’s why I say Kurtz was a remarkable man. He had something to say. He said it. Since I had peeked over the edge myself, I understand better the meaning of his gaze, which couldn’t see the candle’s flame, but was wide enough to embrace the entire universe, sharp enough to pierce all the hearts beating in the darkness. He had summed it up—he had judged. 'The horror!' He was a remarkable man. After all, this was the expression of some sort of belief; it had honesty, it had conviction, it had a resonant note of rebellion in its whisper, it had the terrifying face of a glimpsed truth—the strange mix of desire and hate. And it’s not my own crisis I remember best—a vision of shapeless grayness filled with physical pain, and a careless disregard for the fleeting nature of everything—even of this pain itself. No! It’s his crisis that I feel I have lived through. True, he had made that final leap; he had crossed the edge while I had been allowed to withdraw my hesitant foot. Perhaps therein lies the whole difference; perhaps all wisdom, all truth, and all sincerity are just compressed into that fleeting moment in which we step over the threshold of the invisible. Perhaps! I like to think my conclusion wouldn’t have been a word of careless contempt. Better his cry—much better. It was an affirmation, a moral victory achieved at the cost of countless defeats, by dreadful terrors, by dreadful satisfactions. But it was a victory! That’s why I remained loyal to Kurtz until the very end, and even afterward, a long time later, when I heard again, not his voice, but the echo of his magnificent eloquence reaching me from a soul as clear as a crystal cliff."
"No, they did not bury me, though there is a period of time which I remember mistily, with a shuddering wonder, like a passage through some inconceivable world that had no hope in it and no desire. I found myself back in the sepulchral city resenting the sight of people hurrying through the streets to filch a little money from each other, to devour their infamous cookery, to gulp their unwholesome beer, to dream their insignificant and silly dreams. They trespassed upon my thoughts. They were intruders whose knowledge of life was to me an irritating pretense, because I felt so sure they could not possibly know the things I knew. Their bearing, which was simply the bearing of commonplace individuals going about their business in the assurance of perfect safety, was offensive to me like the outrageous flauntings of folly in the face of a danger it is unable to comprehend. I had no particular desire to enlighten them, but I had some difficulty in restraining myself from laughing in their faces, so full of stupid importance. I dare say I was not very well at that time. I tottered about the streets—there were various affairs to settle—grinning bitterly at perfectly respectable persons. I admit my behavior was inexcusable, but then my temperature was seldom normal in these days. My dear aunt's endeavors to 'nurse up my strength' seemed altogether beside the mark. It was not my strength that wanted nursing, it was my imagination that wanted soothing. I kept the bundle of papers given me by Kurtz, not knowing exactly what to do with it. His mother had died lately, watched over, as I was told, by his Intended. A clean-shaved man, with an official manner and wearing gold-rimmed spectacles, called on me one day and made inquiries, at first circuitous, afterwards suavely pressing, about what he was pleased to denominate certain 'documents.' I was not surprised, because I had had two rows with the manager on the subject out there. I had refused to give up the smallest scrap out of that package, and I took the same attitude with the spectacled man. He became darkly menacing at last, and with much heat argued that the Company had the right to every bit of information about its 'territories.' And, said he, 'Mr. Kurtz's knowledge of unexplored regions must have been necessarily extensive and peculiar—owing to his great abilities and to the deplorable circumstances in which he had been placed: therefore'—I assured him Mr. Kurtz's knowledge, however extensive, did not bear upon the problems of commerce or administration. He invoked then the name of science. 'It would be an incalculable loss if,' &c., &c. I offered him the report on the 'Suppression of Savage Customs,' with the postscriptum torn off. He took it up eagerly, but ended by sniffing at it with an air of contempt. 'This is not what we had a right to expect,' he remarked. 'Expect nothing else,' I said. 'There are only private letters.' He withdrew upon some threat of legal proceedings, and I saw him no more; but another fellow, calling himself Kurtz's cousin, appeared two days later, and was anxious to hear all the details about his dear relative's last moments. Incidentally he gave me to understand that Kurtz had been essentially a great musician. 'There was the making of an immense success,' said the man, who was an organist, I believe, with lank gray hair flowing over a greasy coat-collar. I had no reason to doubt his statement; and to this day I am unable to say what was Kurtz's profession, whether he ever had any—which was the greatest of his talents. I had taken him for a painter who wrote for the papers, or else for a journalist who could paint—but even the cousin (who took snuff during the interview) could not tell me what he had been—exactly. He was a universal genius—on that point I agreed with the old chap, who thereupon blew his nose noisily into a large cotton handkerchief and withdrew in senile agitation, bearing off some family letters and memoranda without importance. Ultimately a journalist anxious to know something of the fate of his 'dear colleague' turned up. This visitor informed me Kurtz's proper sphere ought to have been politics 'on the popular side.' He had furry straight eyebrows, bristly hair cropped short, an eye-glass on a broad ribbon, and, becoming expansive, confessed his opinion that Kurtz really couldn't write a bit—'but heavens! how that man could talk! He electrified large meetings. He had faith—don't you see?—he had the faith. He could get himself to believe anything—anything. He would have been a splendid leader of an extreme party.' 'What party?' I asked. 'Any party,' answered the other. 'He was an—an—extremist.' Did I not think so? I assented. Did I know, he asked, with a sudden flash of curiosity, 'what it was that had induced him to go out there?' 'Yes,' said I, and forthwith handed him the famous Report for publication, if he thought fit. He glanced through it hurriedly, mumbling all the time, judged 'it would do,' and took himself off with this plunder.
"No, they didn't bury me, though there’s a time I remember vaguely, with a shuddering wonder, like going through some unimaginable world that held no hope and no desire. I found myself back in the gloomy city, resenting the sight of people rushing through the streets to squeeze a little money from each other, to wolf down their awful food, to down their unhealthy beer, to dream their insignificant and silly dreams. They invaded my thoughts. They were intruders whose understanding of life irritated me because I was sure they couldn't possibly know what I knew. Their demeanor, which was just the way ordinary people go about their business with complete confidence, offended me like the outrageous displays of foolishness in the face of danger it doesn't comprehend. I didn’t really want to enlighten them, but I struggled to hold back laughter at their faces, so full of foolish importance. I guess I wasn't feeling well at that time. I wandered the streets—there were things to take care of—grinning bitterly at perfectly respectable people. I admit my behavior was inexcusable, but my health was rarely normal those days. My dear aunt's attempts to 'nurse my strength' seemed completely off base. It wasn’t my strength that needed nursing; it was my imagination that needed soothing. I kept the bundle of papers given to me by Kurtz, unsure of what to do with it. His mother had recently passed away, watched over, as I was told, by his Intended. One day, a clean-shaven man with an official air and gold-rimmed glasses came to see me and asked, initially in a roundabout way, but then smoothly pressing, about what he referred to as certain 'documents.' I wasn’t surprised because I'd had two arguments with the manager about it while I was out there. I had refused to give up even the smallest scrap from that package, and I maintained the same attitude with the man in glasses. He eventually became darkly menacing and argued passionately that the Company had a right to every bit of information about its 'territories.' And, he said, 'Mr. Kurtz's knowledge of unexplored areas must have been extensive and unique—because of his great abilities and the unfortunate circumstances he faced: therefore'—I assured him that Mr. Kurtz's knowledge, no matter how extensive, didn’t relate to the issues of business or administration. He then invoked the name of science. 'It would be an incalculable loss if,' etc., etc. I offered him the report on the 'Suppression of Savage Customs,' with the postscript torn off. He eagerly took it but ended up looking down at it with a dismissive air. 'This is not what we had a right to expect,' he said. 'Expect nothing else,' I replied. 'There are only personal letters.' He backed off after threatening legal action, and I never saw him again; but another guy, claiming to be Kurtz's cousin, showed up two days later and was eager to hear all about his dear relative's final moments. He casually implied that Kurtz had essentially been a great musician. 'There was the making of a huge success,' said the man, who I believe was an organist, with lank gray hair spilling over a greasy coat collar. I had no reason to doubt his claim; even now I can't say what Kurtz's profession was, or whether he ever had one—which was arguably his greatest talent. I had taken him for a painter who wrote, or maybe a journalist who could paint—but even the cousin (who took snuff during our chat) couldn’t tell me what he had actually been. He was a universal genius—on that point I agreed with the old guy, who then blew his nose loudly into a large cotton handkerchief and left, taking some family letters and unimportant notes with him. Finally, a journalist eager to know what happened to his 'dear colleague' showed up. This visitor told me that Kurtz's true calling should have been politics 'on the popular side.' He had furry straight eyebrows, bristly short hair, an eye-glass on a broad ribbon, and, becoming enthusiastic, admitted his belief that Kurtz really couldn't write at all—'but heavens! how that man could talk! He electrified large gatherings. He had faith—don't you see?—he had the faith. He could convince himself of anything—anything. He would have made a great leader of an extreme party.' 'What party?' I asked. 'Any party,' he replied. 'He was an—an—extremist.' Didn't I think so? I nodded. Did I know, he suddenly asked with curiosity, 'what it was that made him go out there?' 'Yes,' I said, and immediately handed him the famous Report for publication, if he thought it was suitable. He quickly skimmed through it, mumbling all the while, deemed 'it would do,' and left with this loot."
"Thus I was left at last with a slim packet of letters and the girl's portrait. She struck me as beautiful—I mean she had a beautiful expression. I know that the sunlight can be made to lie too, yet one felt that no manipulation of light and pose could have conveyed the delicate shade of truthfulness upon those features. She seemed ready to listen without mental reservation, without suspicion, without a thought for herself. I concluded I would go and give her back her portrait and those letters myself. Curiosity? Yes; and also some other feeling perhaps. All that had been Kurtz's had passed out of my hands: his soul, his body, his station, his plans, his ivory, his career. There remained only his memory and his Intended—and I wanted to give that up too to the past, in a way,—to surrender personally all that remained of him with me to that oblivion which is the last word of our common fate. I don't defend myself. I had no clear perception of what it was I really wanted. Perhaps it was an impulse of unconscious loyalty, or the fulfillment of one of these ironic necessities that lurk in the facts of human existence. I don't know. I can't tell. But I went.
So I was finally left with a small packet of letters and the girl’s portrait. I thought she was beautiful—I mean, she had a beautiful expression. I know that sunlight can be misleading, but it felt like no amount of light or posing could have captured the subtle honesty in her features. She looked like she was ready to listen without any reservations, without suspicion, without thinking about herself. I decided I would go and return her portrait and those letters myself. Curiosity? Sure; and maybe some other feeling as well. Everything that belonged to Kurtz had slipped out of my hands: his soul, his body, his position, his plans, his ivory, his career. All that was left was his memory and his Intended—and I wanted to let that go too, in a sense—to personally hand over all that remained of him to that oblivion which is the final fate we all share. I don’t excuse myself. I didn’t have a clear understanding of what I really wanted. Maybe it was an impulse of unconscious loyalty, or the effect of one of those ironic necessities that come with being human. I don’t know. I can’t say. But I went.
"I thought his memory was like the other memories of the dead that accumulate in every man's life,—a vague impress on the brain of shadows that had fallen on it in their swift and final passage; but before the high and ponderous door, between the tall houses of a street as still and decorous as a well-kept alley in a cemetery, I had a vision of him on the stretcher, opening his mouth voraciously, as if to devour all the earth with all its mankind. He lived then before me; he lived as much as he had ever lived—a shadow insatiable of splendid appearances, of frightful realities; a shadow darker than the shadow of the night, and draped nobly in the folds of a gorgeous eloquence. The vision seemed to enter the house with me—the stretcher, the phantom-bearers, the wild crowd of obedient worshipers, the gloom of the forests, the glitter of the reach between the murky bends, the beat of the drum, regular and muffled like the beating of a heart—the heart of a conquering darkness. It was a moment of triumph for the wilderness, an invading and vengeful rush which, it seemed to me, I would have to keep back alone for the salvation of another soul. And the memory of what I had heard him say afar there, with the horned shapes stirring at my back, in the glow of fires, within the patient woods, those broken phrases came back to me, were heard again in their ominous and terrifying simplicity. I remembered his abject pleading, his abject threats, the colossal scale of his vile desires, the meanness, the torment, the tempestuous anguish of his soul. And later on I seemed to see his collected languid manner, when he said one day, 'This lot of ivory now is really mine. The Company did not pay for it. I collected it myself at a very great personal risk. I am afraid they will try to claim it as theirs though. H'm. It is a difficult case. What do you think I ought to do—resist? Eh? I want no more than justice.' . . . He wanted no more than justice—no more than justice. I rang the bell before a mahogany door on the first floor, and while I waited he seemed to stare at me out of the glassy panel—stare with that wide and immense stare embracing, condemning, loathing all the universe. I seemed to hear the whispered cry, 'The horror! The horror!'
"I thought his memory was like all the other memories of the dead that pile up in everyone’s life—a vague impression in the mind of shadows that had passed by quickly and completely; but standing before the massive, heavy door, between the tall buildings of a street as quiet and proper as a well-groomed alley in a cemetery, I had a vision of him on the stretcher, opening his mouth hungrily, as if to consume all the earth and its people. He was alive in front of me; he was as alive as he had ever been—a shadow forever craving beautiful appearances and horrifying realities; a shadow darker than night, nobly draped in the layers of magnificent words. The vision seemed to enter the house with me—the stretcher, the ghostly bearers, the chaotic group of obedient worshipers, the darkness of the forests, the sparkle of the stretch between the murky turns, the beat of the drum, steady and muffled like the heartbeat of a conquering darkness. It was a moment of triumph for the wilderness, an aggressive and vengeful surge that I felt I would have to hold back alone for the sake of another soul. And the memory of what I had heard him say from a distance, with the horned figures shifting behind me, in the glow of fires, within the patient woods, those fragmented phrases returned to me, heard again in their foreboding and frightening simplicity. I remembered his desperate pleading, his desperate threats, the overwhelming scale of his wicked desires, the meanness, the torment, the turbulent anguish of his soul. Later on, I seemed to see his composed, relaxed demeanor when he once said, 'This lot of ivory now really belongs to me. The Company didn’t pay for it. I collected it myself at a very significant personal risk. I’m afraid they’ll try to claim it as theirs though. H’m. It’s a tricky situation. What do you think I should do—resist? Eh? I want nothing more than justice.' . . . He wanted nothing more than justice—nothing more than justice. I rang the bell before a mahogany door on the first floor, and while I waited, he seemed to glare at me through the glassy panel—glaring with that wide and immense stare that seemed to encompass, condemn, and despise the entire universe. I thought I heard the whispered cry, 'The horror! The horror!'"
"The dusk was falling. I had to wait in a lofty drawing-room with three long windows from floor to ceiling that were like three luminous and bedraped columns. The bent gilt legs and backs of the furniture shone in indistinct curves. The tall marble fireplace had a cold and monumental whiteness. A grand piano stood massively in a corner, with dark gleams on the flat surfaces like a somber and polished sarcophagus. A high door opened—closed. I rose.
The dusk was settling in. I had to wait in a spacious living room with three floor-to-ceiling windows that looked like three glowing, draped columns. The curved, gold-painted legs and backs of the furniture gleamed softly. The tall marble fireplace had a chilly, impressive whiteness. A grand piano stood heavy in a corner, its flat surfaces reflecting dark glimmers like a polished and somber sarcophagus. A high door opened and then closed. I got up.
"She came forward, all in black, with a pale head, floating towards me in the dusk. She was in mourning. It was more than a year since his death, more than a year since the news came; she seemed as though she would remember and mourn for ever. She took both my hands in hers and murmured, 'I had heard you were coming.' I noticed she was not very young—I mean not girlish. She had a mature capacity for fidelity, for belief, for suffering. The room seemed to have grown darker, as if all the sad light of the cloudy evening had taken refuge on her forehead. This fair hair, this pale visage, this pure brow, seemed surrounded by an ashy halo from which the dark eyes looked out at me. Their glance was guileless, profound, confident, and trustful. She carried her sorrowful head as though she were proud of that sorrow, as though she would say, 'I—I alone know how to mourn for him as he deserves.' But while we were still shaking hands, such a look of awful desolation came upon her face that I perceived she was one of those creatures that are not the playthings of Time. For her he had died only yesterday. And, by Jove! the impression was so powerful that for me too he seemed to have died only yesterday—nay, this very minute. I saw her and him in the same instant of time—his death and her sorrow—I saw her sorrow in the very moment of his death. Do you understand? I saw them together—I heard them together. She had said, with a deep catch of the breath, 'I have survived;' while my strained ears seemed to hear distinctly, mingled with her tone of despairing regret, the summing-up whisper of his eternal condemnation. I asked myself what I was doing there, with a sensation of panic in my heart as though I had blundered into a place of cruel and absurd mysteries not fit for a human being to behold. She motioned me to a chair. We sat down. I laid the packet gently on the little table, and she put her hand over it. . . . 'You knew him well,' she murmured, after a moment of mourning silence.
"She stepped forward, dressed all in black, with a pale face, gliding toward me in the dim light. She was in mourning. It had been over a year since his death, over a year since we received the news; she looked as if she'd remember and grieve forever. She took both my hands in hers and softly said, 'I heard you were coming.' I could tell she wasn't very young—I mean, she didn’t have a girlish look. She had a mature capacity for loyalty, for belief, for pain. The room felt like it had gotten darker, as if all the dim light from the cloudy evening had gathered on her forehead. Her fair hair, her pale face, her pure brow seemed to be surrounded by a ghostly halo, from which her dark eyes gazed at me. Their look was innocent, deep, assured, and trusting. She held her sorrowful head as if she was proud of that sorrow, as if to say, 'I—I alone know how to mourn for him as he deserves.' But while we were still shaking hands, an expression of deep desolation crossed her face, and I realized she was one of those people who aren't affected by the passing of time. To her, he had died only yesterday. And, honestly, the feeling was so strong that to me too, it felt like he had died just yesterday—no, just this very minute. I saw her and him at the same moment—his death and her grief—I perceived her grief at the very instant of his passing. Do you get it? I saw them together—I heard them together. She had said, with a sharp intake of breath, 'I have survived;' while my strained ears seemed to hear, mingled with her tone of deep regret, the quiet whisper of his eternal condemnation. I wondered what I was doing there, with a sense of panic in my heart as if I had stumbled into a place of cruel and absurd mysteries that no human being should witness. She gestured for me to sit down. We took a seat. I gently placed the packet on the small table, and she covered it with her hand. . . . 'You knew him well,' she murmured after a moment of mournful silence."
"'Intimacy grows quick out there,' I said. 'I knew him as well as it is possible for one man to know another.'
"'Intimacy develops fast out there,' I said. 'I knew him as well as one man can know another.'"
"'And you admired him,' she said. 'It was impossible to know him and not to admire him. Was it?'
"'And you admired him,' she said. 'It was impossible to know him and not admire him. Right?'"
"'He was a remarkable man,' I said, unsteadily. Then before the appealing fixity of her gaze, that seemed to watch for more words on my lips, I went on, 'It was impossible not to—'
"'He was an incredible guy,' I said, hesitantly. Then, before the intense focus of her gaze, which seemed to wait for more words from me, I continued, 'It was impossible not to—'
"'Love him,' she finished eagerly, silencing me into an appalled dumbness. 'How true! how true! But when you think that no one knew him so well as I! I had all his noble confidence. I knew him best.'
"'Love him,' she finished eagerly, leaving me shocked and speechless. 'How true! How true! But when you consider that no one knew him better than I did! I had all his trust. I understood him best.'"
"'You knew him best,' I repeated. And perhaps she did. But with every word spoken the room was growing darker, and only her forehead, smooth and white, remained illumined by the unextinguishable light of belief and love.
"'You knew him best,' I repeated. And maybe she did. But with every word spoken, the room grew darker, and only her forehead, smooth and white, stayed lit by the unquenchable light of belief and love."
"'You were his friend,' she went on. 'His friend,' she repeated, a little louder. 'You must have been, if he had given you this, and sent you to me. I feel I can speak to you—and oh! I must speak. I want you—you who have heard his last words—to know I have been worthy of him. . . . It is not pride. . . . Yes! I am proud to know I understood him better than anyone on earth—he told me so himself. And since his mother died I have had no one—no one—to—to—'
"'You were his friend,' she continued. 'His friend,' she said, a bit louder. 'You must have been, if he gave you this and sent you to me. I feel I can talk to you—and oh! I really need to. I want you—you, who heard his last words—to know that I’ve been worthy of him. . . . It’s not about pride. . . . Yes! I am proud to know that I understood him better than anyone else—he told me that himself. And since his mother passed away, I’ve had no one—no one—to—to—'
"I listened. The darkness deepened. I was not even sure whether he had given me the right bundle. I rather suspect he wanted me to take care of another batch of his papers which, after his death, I saw the manager examining under the lamp. And the girl talked, easing her pain in the certitude of my sympathy; she talked as thirsty men drink. I had heard that her engagement with Kurtz had been disapproved by her people. He wasn't rich enough or something. And indeed I don't know whether he had not been a pauper all his life. He had given me some reason to infer that it was his impatience of comparative poverty that drove him out there.
I listened. The darkness grew deeper. I wasn’t even sure if he had given me the right bundle. I suspect he wanted me to deal with another set of his papers which, after he died, I saw the manager looking over under the lamp. The girl talked, relieving her pain in the certainty of my sympathy; she talked like thirsty men drink. I had heard that her family disapproved of her engagement to Kurtz. He wasn't wealthy enough or something like that. Honestly, I don’t know if he hadn’t been poor his entire life. He had given me some reason to think that it was his frustration with relative poverty that pushed him out there.
"'. . . Who was not his friend who had heard him speak once?' she was saying. 'He drew men towards him by what was best in them.' She looked at me with intensity. 'It is the gift of the great,' she went on, and the sound of her low voice seemed to have the accompaniment of all the other sounds, full of mystery, desolation, and sorrow, I had ever heard—the ripple of the river, the soughing of the trees swayed by the wind, the murmurs of wild crowds, the faint ring of incomprehensible words cried from afar, the whisper of a voice speaking from beyond the threshold of an eternal darkness. 'But you have heard him! You know!' she cried.
"'. . . Who wasn't his friend after hearing him speak just once?' she said. 'He attracted people by the best in them.' She looked at me intensely. 'It's a gift of the great,' she continued, and the sound of her quiet voice seemed to blend with all the other sounds, filled with mystery, desolation, and sorrow, that I had ever experienced—the ripple of the river, the rustling of trees swaying in the wind, the murmurs of wild crowds, the distant echo of incomprehensible words, the whisper of a voice coming from beyond an eternal darkness. 'But you’ve heard him! You know!' she cried.
"'Yes, I know,' I said with something like despair in my heart, but bowing my head before the faith that was in her, before that great and saving illusion that shone with an unearthly glow in the darkness, in the triumphant darkness from which I could not have defended her—from which I could not even defend myself.
"'Yes, I know,' I said with a sense of despair in my heart, but I lowered my head in respect for the faith she had, for that powerful and comforting illusion that radiated an otherworldly light in the darkness, in the overwhelming darkness that I couldn't protect her from—one that I couldn't even shield myself from."
"'What a loss to me—to us!'—she corrected herself with beautiful generosity; then added in a murmur, 'To the world.' By the last gleams of twilight I could see the glitter of her eyes, full of tears—of tears that would not fall.
"'What a loss for me—to us!'—she corrected herself with lovely generosity; then added in a whisper, 'To the world.' By the last light of twilight, I could see the shine of her eyes, filled with tears—tears that wouldn’t fall.
"'I have been very happy—very fortunate—very proud,' she went on. 'Too fortunate. Too happy for a little while. And now I am unhappy for—for life.'
"'I have been really happy—really lucky—really proud,' she continued. 'Too lucky. Too happy for a short time. And now I'm unhappy for—for life.'"
"She stood up; her fair hair seemed to catch all the remaining light in a glimmer of gold. I rose too.
"She stood up; her light hair seemed to capture all the remaining light in a glow of gold. I got up as well."
"'And of all this,' she went on, mournfully, 'of all his promise, and of all his greatness, of his generous mind, of his noble heart, nothing remains—nothing but a memory. You and I—'
"'And of all this,' she continued, sadly, 'of all his potential, and all his greatness, of his kind spirit, of his noble heart, nothing remains—nothing but a memory. You and I—'
"'We shall always remember him,' I said, hastily.
"'We will always remember him,' I said quickly."
"'No!' she cried. 'It is impossible that all this should be lost—that such a life should be sacrificed to leave nothing—but sorrow. You know what vast plans he had. I knew of them too—I could not perhaps understand,—but others knew of them. Something must remain. His words, at least, have not died.'
"'No!' she shouted. 'It's impossible for all of this to be lost—that such a life would be sacrificed, leaving nothing but grief. You know about the big plans he had. I was aware of them too—I might not completely understand, but others did. Something has to be left behind. His words, at the very least, haven't died.'
"'His words will remain,' I said.
"'His words will remain,' I said.
"'And his example,' she whispered to herself. 'Men looked up to him,—his goodness shone in every act. His example—'
"'And his example,' she whispered to herself. 'Men admired him—his goodness showed in everything he did. His example—'
"'True,' I said; 'his example too. Yes, his example. I forgot that.'
"'True,' I said; 'his example too. Yeah, his example. I almost forgot that.'"
"'But I do not. I cannot—I cannot believe—not yet. I cannot believe that I shall never see him again, that nobody will see him again, never, never, never.'
"'But I don't. I can't—I can't believe—not yet. I can't believe that I'll never see him again, that no one will ever see him again, never, never, never.'"
"She put out her arms as if after a retreating figure, stretching them black and with clasped pale hands across the fading and narrow sheen of the window. Never see him! I saw him clearly enough then. I shall see this eloquent phantom as long as I live, and I shall see her too, a tragic and familiar Shade, resembling in this gesture another one, tragic also, and bedecked with powerless charms, stretching bare brown arms over the glitter of the infernal stream, the stream of darkness. She said suddenly very low, 'He died as he lived.'
"She reached out her arms as if to grasp a fading figure, stretching them wide with her pale hands clasped against the narrowing light of the window. Never see him! I saw him clearly enough then. I’ll see this expressive ghost for the rest of my life, and I’ll see her too, a tragic and familiar shadow, reminiscent of another one, also tragic, adorned with powerless charms, extending her bare brown arms over the shimmering darkness of the infernal stream. She suddenly whispered very softly, 'He died as he lived.'"
"'His end,' said I, with dull anger stirring in me, 'was in every way worthy of his life.'
"'His end,' I said, feeling a dull anger rising in me, 'was in every way worthy of his life.'"
"'And I was not with him,' she murmured. My anger subsided before a feeling of infinite pity.
"'And I wasn’t with him,' she said softly. My anger faded, replaced by a deep sense of pity."
"'Everything that could be done—' I mumbled.
"'Everything that could be done—' I mumbled."
"'Ah, but I believed in him more than anyone on earth—more than his own mother, more than—himself. He needed me! Me! I would have treasured every sigh, every word, every sign, every glance.'
"'Ah, but I believed in him more than anyone else in the world—more than his own mother, even more than he believed in himself. He needed me! Me! I would have cherished every sigh, every word, every sign, every glance.'"
"I felt like a chill grip on my chest. 'Don't,' I said, in a muffled voice.
"I felt a chill gripping my chest. 'Don't,' I said, in a hushed voice."
"'Forgive me. I—I—have mourned so long in silence—in silence. . . . You were with him—to the last? I think of his loneliness. Nobody near to understand him as I would have understood. Perhaps no one to hear. . . .'
"'Forgive me. I—I—have grieved in silence for so long—in silence. . . . You were with him until the end? I worry about his loneliness. Nobody there to understand him like I would have. Maybe no one to listen. . . .'"
"'To the very end,' I said, shakily. 'I heard his very last words. . . .'
I stopped in a fright.
"'To the very end,' I said, trembling. 'I heard his very last words. . . .'
I froze in fear.
"'Repeat them,' she said in a heart-broken tone. 'I want—I want—something—something—to—to live with.'
"'Say them again,' she said with a broken heart. 'I want—I want—something—something—to—to hold on to.'"
"I was on the point of crying at her, 'Don't you hear them?' The dusk was repeating them in a persistent whisper all around us, in a whisper that seemed to swell menacingly like the first whisper of a rising wind. 'The horror! The horror!'
"I was just about to cry out to her, 'Can't you hear them?' The dusk was echoing them in a constant whisper all around us, a whisper that seemed to grow threatening like the first hint of a rising wind. 'The horror! The horror!'"
"'His last word—to live with,' she murmured. 'Don't you understand I loved him—I loved him—I loved him!'
"'His last word—to live with,' she murmured. 'Don't you get that I loved him—I loved him—I loved him!'"
"I pulled myself together and spoke slowly.
"I gathered my thoughts and spoke slowly."
"'The last word he pronounced was—your name.'
"'The last word he said was—your name.'"
"I heard a light sigh, and then my heart stood still, stopped dead short by an exulting and terrible cry, by the cry of inconceivable triumph and of unspeakable pain. 'I knew it—I was sure!' . . . She knew. She was sure. I heard her weeping; she had hidden her face in her hands. It seemed to me that the house would collapse before I could escape, that the heavens would fall upon my head. But nothing happened. The heavens do not fall for such a trifle. Would they have fallen, I wonder, if I had rendered Kurtz that justice which was his due? Hadn't he said he wanted only justice? But I couldn't. I could not tell her. It would have been too dark—too dark altogether. . . ."
"I heard a soft sigh, and then my heart stopped, paralyzed by a cry filled with overwhelming triumph and indescribable pain. 'I knew it—I was sure!' . . . She knew. She was certain. I heard her crying; she had buried her face in her hands. It felt like the house would crumble before I could get away, that the sky would crash down on me. But nothing happened. The sky doesn’t fall for such a small thing. I wonder, would it have fallen if I had given Kurtz the justice he deserved? Didn’t he say he only wanted justice? But I couldn’t. I couldn't tell her. It would have been too dark—too dark all around. . . ."
Marlow ceased, and sat apart, indistinct and silent, in the pose of a meditating Buddha. Nobody moved for a time. "We have lost the first of the ebb," said the Director, suddenly. I raised my head. The offing was barred by a black bank of clouds, and the tranquil waterway leading to the uttermost ends of the earth flowed somber under an overcast sky—seemed to lead into the heart of an immense darkness.
Marlow stopped and sat quietly, remote and silent, like a meditating Buddha. Everyone was still for a moment. "We've lost the first part of the tide," the Director said suddenly. I lifted my head. The horizon was blocked by a dark wall of clouds, and the calm waterway stretching toward the farthest reaches of the earth flowed gloomily beneath an overcast sky—it felt like it was leading into the depths of a vast darkness.
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