Table of Contents

DON’T MARRY;
OR, TIPS ON
How, When, and Who to Marry.

CONTENTS:

J. S. OGILVIE, Publisher, 57 Rose Street, New York.

[1]

[3]

BY HILDRETH.

It doesn't intend to discourage marriage or to define too strictly who shouldn't get married, but rather to point out the mistakes of some people who choose poorly in such a long-term commitment.

The “yes or no” question is the crucial one for all young people to answer. Some respond too quickly, others take too long, and some never experience the joy of being asked by a suitable partner. The ability to choose wisely is one of the rarest skills.

[4]

What really confuses our will and makes us endure the problems we have is the topic of choice. A parent’s perspective on a potential partner might clash with their daughter's desires and create lasting tension for both. However, the main issues usually stem from a mean-spirited choice, a rushed decision, or one of the situations mentioned here. If these suggestions help avoid even one unhappy marriage, they will be worth the small amount of attention they need.

To keep the lecturing to a minimum, only two examples are presented in detail, told as stories. They are as close to the real characters as the writer can accurately describe, based on actual romantic and non-romantic marriages. Since marriage is the first topic every family will talk about, it's important to approach it with complete honesty.

Don't marry just for looks. Very few people have beauty that lasts more than a[5] dozen years in a marriage that is meant to last thirty years.

And, more than that, looks aren't the only thing that leads to happiness. Really attractive people are usually pretty vain, often demanding, and generally rely on their appearance, giving little or no thought to the more unique qualities of being a man or a woman.

If someone seeks beauty alone, they will find it in the fields, flowers, and gardens, in paintings, artworks, and nature; however, the true pleasures of life can be found in countless ways beyond just the pursuit of beauty.

There are a lot of factors beyond looks that should influence your choice of a partner. Take a moment to think about who you admire the most, trust completely, and love more than anyone else. Honestly, it’s not the perfect, doll-like face in a store window; if it were, why not just marry the model and have flawless beauty? The day will come when life’s challenges weigh heavily on your heart. Time might fly by until summer ends and winter's snow turns your hair silver. Eventually, you’ll gather with friends by the fireplace, and someone will love you for your mind, heart, and kindness. Someone who fits your new, silver-haired phase of life will possess a beauty that doesn’t need a label; as the soldier remarked about Grant’s face after the brutal battle of Shiloh, “That was the handsomest face I ever saw,” even though it was plain and weathered.

Prize-winners in marriage have been women of a higher caliber than just being pretty. The women who have captured the hearts of statesmen, painters, poets, and the good and great throughout history were fascinating women, or as the Southern ladies say, sweet women, and not just known for their looks.

[7]

Many people are known to be plain but friendly; not always unattractive, but never beautiful. The best wives and greatest mothers have more to offer than just good looks, skin tone, or eye color, or the skill to enhance their appearance. Some are shallow, and many are flattered into risky situations. The most miserable man I know is married to one of the most stunning women. He is jealous; she unwittingly faces insults. Their home feels like hell six days a week. I've heard him wish she were less attractive!

Don’t marry a man for his money. If money is your main goal, the older and less attractive he is, the better; because nothing should stand in the way of your true love. If you marry him just for his wealth, he’ll figure it out quickly.

What an incredible amount of disdain a person must have for someone who just loves their wallet! Why not love their farm, or lumber yard, or herd of cattle? [8] The love of money is a greedy facade of affection that results in dissatisfaction, distrust, and disgust when they realize it.

Besides, wealthy men are burdened with worries. The wife of a well-known millionaire has had her husband's body stolen from its vault, and she's been in agony for a long time, becoming a source of pity for everyone who knows her. Another wife was heard saying, “I don’t have the privilege, the money, or the good times that my girl Bridget enjoys. I’m poor and filled with anxiety and depression, and I’m tired of hearing my husband say, over and over again, ‘You’re heading for the poorhouse.’ He genuinely believes we will end up in the poorhouse; yet he has a princely income.” Thousands of such men carry their burdens of worry, wealth, and anxiety—how can they also bear the weight of love?

Don’t marry a very small man—a little guy far[9] below all proportion; try to find someone to admire, someone with shape, and someone who doesn’t get completely lost in a crowd, who isn’t too little to appreciate and too small for attractiveness. You may need strong arms and brave hands to protect you. You will need hands to support and take care of you, and a good physique is a solid foundation for manhood or womanhood.

Mental greatness isn't measured by brain size or body shape. Great people aren't always wise or exceptionally large; they're often of average build and well-balanced in their mental and physical abilities. Between the two, a very tall man is better than a short one, and a woman of average height is preferred as well.

Don’t marry too young. The right age to get married is subjective; saying twenty-one for women and twenty-four for men might seem a bit random,[10] but it definitely makes sense. Successful early marriages are rare. More often than not, love can be misinterpreted, poorly understood, or lacks a foundation in sound judgment. There's no point in debating it—love is love, and it will lead people to marry regardless of reason, and sometimes it picks poorly and regrets it a thousand times shortly after.

But be sensible, because a life commitment should be a wise one. What’s the point of wasting a season—skipping childhood to jump straight into adulthood and parenthood? The divorce court records reveal the foolish and sad stories of many mismatched couples who got married too young and ended up regretting their hasty decision. Consult your closest friends; seek advice; don’t act foolishly.

Don’t marry a villain. Many girls are ready for an adventure, and nothing looks more angelic than a clever and scheming[11] villain—a real charmer; not just a gambler, but worse, a total disaster! These men can be careful, cunning, deceitful, and appealing. They’re sly; their lifestyle demands it. They might be good-looking, often are; they might be slick and smooth—most of them are. They might live lavishly for a while; ill-gotten wealth doesn’t last. May heaven help the girl who marries one of these swindlers, because the outcome is bitterness! A friend of mine met one on the Pacific road, married him, and found out to her regret that he drank heavily, cursed like a sailor, lived in excess, and even suggested swapping wives for a season with a drinking buddy. “And that guy,” she said, “was as handsome as a model, as smooth as an auctioneer, as slick as a con artist; I only loved him for one day after the wedding.”

Don't marry a hypocrite. Above all, seek sincerity. Get the real deal. If you end up with a hypocrite, he's like cheap jewelry that will easily[12] tarnish. Be sure to investigate thoroughly; make sure he's everything he claims to be, or don't trust him at all. The habit of deceit is something that lasts a lifetime.

Some people join churches just to hide their wrongdoings. It’s not the norm, but it happens more often than it should. Someone who travels from place to place and charms too many with their fake friendliness; someone without a job, just lounging around; someone who pretends to be wealthy but is struggling financially; someone who doesn’t have the guts to be themselves and would rather live a lie and fool those around them—this person is not a good companion and should be kept an eye on.

Don't marry a flirt. Someone who's been through a long list of rejected admirers is like stale bread—getting worse every day and rarely improves over time. There are women, and sometimes girls, who take pride in listing their past lovers; their sense of honesty has been corrupted, dulled, and frozen by[13] deceiving their victims with fake affection, until they've lost all sense of love or integrity; they deserve to be left alone to reflect on their cruelty for the rest of their miserable lives. Among the worst types of flirting, coquetry is the most contemptible. It not only wastes both people's time but also sows doubt about the most sacred feelings, the purity of womanhood. Stealing money is honorable compared to stealing affection.

The habit of flirting may linger long after marriage. A woman who engages in it will often bring up unpleasant reminders of her past conquests, wishing she had married different men at various points, and will spoil the happiness of her current relationship by frequently pointing out how he doesn't measure up to the others.

Don't marry a woman for her money. These people are incredibly persistent. They love to remind you about my house, my property, [14] my farm, my lots on Lincoln Avenue, my furniture, my bank account, and the like—making you dependent on them for your basic needs for life. If there’s any difference, it should be with the man. He’s expected to manage the property. He’s the head of the household or the one in charge of spending. Naturally, he says “my” store or “my” lots, but it would be much fairer and kinder if he sometimes said “our” instead of “my.”

The only fair way to approach this is to see marriage as a partnership where no one owns everything, but everyone has an equal stake. It’s fair to share a significant amount of one’s assets with their spouse, fair to give her a nice home and provide her with a set allowance—generous enough for one’s income—and let her use it as her own, instead of having to ask for money every time she needs it.

Don't run off to get married. It's a weak love that[15] can't wait a little while. Jacob worked for seven years, then another seven, for Rebecca. She was a great example of womanhood—as shown in paintings; managing a home was easy and cheap back then, but they waited patiently and were well rewarded.

Ruth was a perfect example of being a young girl. Not rushing to get married and enduring the challenges of travel, her loyalty to her mother caught the attention of a king, and she was rewarded handsomely for her patience. She could have run away with a stagecoach driver or a coachman, and her life would have ended up with far fewer mentions in history.

Don’t hesitate to propose. What’s it like to ask a wonderful girl to marry you? It’s the simplest, easiest thing in the world, if you “strike while the iron is hot.” Approach it thoughtfully. First of all, you can’t expect much encouragement from a modest girl; she’s in the background; her[16] role is to be invited; she doesn’t speak for herself. Consider the awkwardness.

I dare say, if you like her, you’ll say so. You’ve probably told her how beautiful her eyes are, or how much you enjoy her singing, chatting, and the time you spend together. But when you ask a simple question, you get down on your knees (they do that in novels, not in real life) and plead for it. Nonsense! A girl like that isn’t worth it. Begging is a silly trend, rarely seen today, totally outdated, and no longer accepted outside of novels and plays. Use a bit of common sense about it.

Find out first if you have the right one, then handle it in one of five ways: First, in the living room (don’t propose in church, or during a fundraiser, or in a crowded place, or on a bus, or while the horse is bouncing around), gather your courage at the right moment and say: “Do we understand each other, Clemantha?” Then, if she[17] doesn’t, explain it to her clearly and in simple words that can’t be misunderstood; give her time, if needed.

The second way is, on a nice walk or drive, “Would you want to walk together forever?” or, “If you could choose someone to walk with for all time, who would it be?” She will respond, “I don’t want to be that personal.” Then you can be more direct.

Third, if you’re about to break up, what a great opportunity! Make sure you take it seriously. Telling a girl she’s prettier than flowers, clearer than coffee, and sweeter than honey is outdated and unnecessary. Just tell her she is who she is, and you appreciate her along with everything that comes with her; that you can improve her situation at some point. Focus on the “at some point.”

Be honest about it. If she doesn’t love you, let her love someone else, and you’ll be surprised to see how many pure and beautiful[18] people are all around you, holding their fingertips to hide a smile of welcome and ready—“yes, Edgar”—eager to connect with someone worthy and ready to marry them, because marriage is a natural hope of every decent woman.

This is a fourth method: read aloud the characters like Arden, Romeo, Abelard, or Paul and Virginia, and make your comments out loud. You won’t take long to reach a conclusion. Be a bit clever about it; find out through your sister. Set the stage and don’t ask until you’re reasonably sure she isn’t taken, remember; or at least wait long enough to be fairly certain. And what if she says no? No big deal. Like the German’s sugar, “The other pound is just as good as the first one.”

One guy I know made a list of all his acquaintances who were marriage material and approached it like a typical buyer looking for wheat. He was a bachelor, obviously, and pretty quirky. When he met the first person on his list, he explained his purpose without revealing any names, saying she was at the top of a long list provided by a friend (they were always at the top); then he would say, “I’ll give you a week to think about it, and if you’re not interested, no problem; if not, I’ll just move on to the next person.” Of all the guys who got rejected, he was the one who got rejected the easiest! He ended up marrying into an entire family. The first two were put off, but the third or fourth went for it. This really feels more like a transaction, so don’t try this approach.

The last approach is practical; writing often makes proposals. Even then, be a bit cautious; a “no” can come with reluctance after a “yes.” It’s best not to give anyone the chance to say no, but to hold off long enough to gauge the other side. If you were buying a racehorse, making a deal on a house, or purchasing a property, striking a bargain wouldn’t be too difficult. [20] So, once you recognize form, character, fit, affection, and desire to connect, go about the rest in a straightforward and sensible way. Don’t wear out the gate hinges, waste all the oil, stress out the older folks, or turn gray with worry—just get it done.

Don't marry a drunkard. He will promise, by everything good and holy, to change. How many like him have made the same promises? He can’t keep such a promise even if he wanted to. Make him prove he can change for at least a couple of years before you marry him. It’ll be time enough then to risk a lifelong partnership, to tie your hopes to someone whose sense and judgment are corrupted, not necessarily by choice, but by a habit that’s stronger than reason. For most men, this habit turns into a[21]desire. They are compelled to stoke the fire that consumes them. They have no choice in the matter and can’t, even if they wanted to, break the strong chains that hold them captive, just like prison bars confine their victims.

It's a sad sight to see a young girl trapped with someone who has completely lost their will and is consumed by their need for alcohol; only a place filled with restless spirits could match her daily suffering. Children have to put up with it, friends accept it, and anyone with dignity, kindness, or refinement will be disgusted by the roughness of a drunkard's shattered and miserable life. He deserves pity but is someone to be avoided in marriage, no matter how many promises he makes or how good he may be otherwise.

To avoid prolonged sadness, shame, and regret, stay away from him. If you had two lives and had to give one up, no matter the cost, getting involved with a drunkard would lead you to suffer greatly. Your health, peace, and happiness will be tied to his.

Such a man will kill his wife, burn his own child, and sacrifice everything on earth when overwhelmed by this degrading passion. More could be said, but let the starving families, the criminal courts, and the troubled children tell the rest: the story is too horrible to linger on. It is monstrous. Life becomes a burden, and death a welcome escape from such a struggle. Of all the partners in the world, the one to be feared and avoided the most is the drunkard’s wife.

Don't marry a fast man or woman. Something tells us that dark deeds will stain the purest intentions. Once virtue is compromised, it’s never quite as sharp again. It might be easy to dismiss wild behavior, but who wants to acknowledge that it's just a repeat performance? Who's willing to believe that it’s the last resort of someone who has made promises to countless others before her, or is just waiting for another chance to make even more promises as opportunities arise? Fast men aren’t content with just one vice; they tend to indulge in many. They might drink, gamble, play around, and risk it all, gradually giving in to the related vices of immorality until disease grips their body and flows through their veins for a lifetime. They are usually not satisfied with just one home, one wife, or one family.

Don't marry someone from another country—someone who comes from far away and goes back there. It's pretty unpredictable; think it over carefully. The new and unfamiliar customs of their country might not fit well with you. They could turn out to be a sad [24] daydream about home and early separation. Consider the bonds of friendship, the ties of affection intertwined with your life; those bonds aren't easily broken without a lot of heartache. Life is a short, strange journey, and whether we choose the time or the place, it's nice to have company. Those who know us best will care for us the most if we earn it, and not many will keep up a friendship long after we venture into strange and unknown lands. A neighbor we don't know well can feel closer than a friend who’s been gone for ages and we never hear from.

Don’t marry someone who spends recklessly. The way of life is shaped early on. You either aim to improve or you settle for less. Just as water finds its own level, people pursue their goals and find them. Success doesn't just come easily; most people work hard for it, strive for it, and earn it. The children of the[25] wealthy, who inherit money and develop the habit of extravagant spending, are somewhat worse off than the poor. It’s not shameful to be born into poverty; however, losing wealth after having been rich, especially due to careless spending, is a disgrace for anyone. “One thing we can take pride in,” said Ingersoll; “we’ve improved on the original tools and the common resources.”

A young man who relies on his father's money has little to brag about, but one who wastes his inheritance on a lavish lifestyle is looked down upon and mocked. "He's just one of the old man's leeches," said a businessman recently about a wealthy man’s son. "If it weren't for his father's savings, he'd be homeless; he lives like a spoiled beggar off someone else's generosity. What a brilliant genius he is!"

Don't marry your cousin. It can be really tempting; family members often feel a strong bond due to their long and close relationship. Keep in mind that being around each other all the time can sometimes create these attachments. For many people, marrying blood relatives can lead to issues like deafness, blindness, or deformities. It might skip a generation and show up in the next. It could also lead to illness and weakness. It might turn out fine, but most of the time it's risky and uncertain, and you really can't take chances in matters like this.

Don’t marry too far above or below you. There’s no such thing as social class in this country, like the titles and environments of Europe; but when ignorance mixes with sophistication, it will always be lost and uneasy, struggling every hour.

Such matches are rushed and poorly thought out. They lead to gossip and resentment from family, creating an uncomfortable tension that often lasts for a generation. If someone has beauty[27] and refinement but is poor, the poverty doesn't matter; the good qualities outweigh it. However, a millionaire’s daughter marrying a coachman is sheer madness. It results in separation, not harmony. Water and oil mix about as easily as those elements. Stay away from them.

Don’t marry someone who's been divorced twice: it’s risky. Something must be wrong. One divorce should be enough to teach a lesson. Two is excessive. The person who’s been divorced twice might claim to be innocent, but if they’re looking for a new partner to possibly divorce again (it might be a habit by now), tell them to hold off for a bit. Grass widows can be very charming, but unless their ex-partners were clearly at fault, without a doubt, keep your distance and avoid them completely. It’s a very bad sign, and likely a habit, when a man and woman get together and split soon after; the fault could lie with either, but most likely it involves both, in about equal measure.[28]

Don't marry a cheapskate. Of all the old "grumps" on earth, save me from cranky, tight-fisted, stingy misers.

They envy you your food and clothes. They keep track of your money and control your purchases; they make life difficult by having so much and using so little, constantly reminding you of every penny spent, no matter how carefully.

Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. We only have one journey. We shouldn’t have to open our wallets just to watch the coins roll around aimlessly; instead, marking notches on a stick for each coin and never spending—even on necessities—without fear and reluctance is unbearable. I'd rather be poor and enjoy something.

Don’t marry someone too much older or younger than you. A June and December relationship is a long, long distance in marriage.[29] Some people are as young at sixty as others are at forty. Some men at forty-five haven’t even matured yet. But old, gray-haired men marrying girls in their teens—usually servants—are sad sights. For the girl, it’s like suicide; for the man, it’s just foolishness; there’s no real reason to marry him. The girl has the most to lose in this situation. Why not, if you love him? The reason isn't jealousy—that's only part of it—but consistency. Imagine taking a trip around the world or across the country with someone older than your father, who is supposed to be your husband! It has to be humiliating. It’s irritating. It’s foolish and inconsistent. Money is a poor trade-off for such a sacrifice. Love, and love alone, should guide marriage, and I question its sincerity when the age difference is unreasonable.

Marry someone you trust, admire, respect, look up to, and can confide in; someone you can be true to and who you love for genuine and sincere reasons. “Respect is a cold lunch in a dark dining room. Love is a picnic in the woods.” Imagine a picnic and an old man as your partner!

Don't wait too long to get married. Take it seriously. Here’s the main idea in a nutshell:

TOO OLD TO LOVE.

Don't marry unusual sizes. A tall guy with a short woman looks awkward enough; but a tall woman with a tiny man is definitely a mismatch.

See if you can find someone your size, as the[32] school kids say when wrestling. Pair up like soldiers during a dress rehearsal, keeping in mind the importance of unity.

This warning is about extremes, not small differences. Some people change and gain weight after getting married, but no one gets significantly taller after the age of twenty-four.

Just for appearances, line up in uniform rows.

Don't marry someone without good character. Soon you'll recognize the importance of this warning. Character develops over a lifetime, but there's enough of it that shows early on to be noticed. You can tell a person not just by who they hang out with but by their habits, preferences, and tendencies. It's said that some families have certain traits; some are prone to stealing, some to being grumpy, while others are kind, principled, honest, and dependable. In some cases, it runs in the blood.

Suppose someone is getting married for virtue, purity, and[33] integrity, they will look for it in the lineage just as they would check for quality in a racehorse.

If a woman loves a charming "man of the world,"—a term too often used to disguise a bad character—she will easily find him in various bars of almost any busy hotel in the city or town. He will be just as he was before marriage.

Tell me where a person goes, and I'll tell you what they are like. If they're fast-paced, they'll develop fast habits, live a quick life, and gain that character pretty early on. If those are the qualities you're after, "inquire within," and you'll discover them. It could be a woman you're asking about, a girl for a wife, a lifelong companion. What are you looking for? A flashy, carefree dancer, or a down-to-earth homebody whom you can trust with your keys, your secrets, your conscience? Pay attention to her character. In either case, whether man or woman, they have lived somewhere. Find out about it—how long, how well, how faithfully.[34]

A wealthy widow was eager to marry a man she liked, who only provided his name and hotel without any references. Upon further investigation, it turned out this person was known by at least two to four different names, changed to fit the situation. The enchantment was over, and the relationship ended.

Men and women often rush into marriage like prey heading into a trap, drawn in by the little tempting bait (like a rough-and-tumble race). They marry and risk a lifetime of happiness based on less knowledge of each other’s true nature than a good rider would require of their horse's pedigree. This might work in the countryside, but it won't cut it in a city. Common sense suggests that to truly enjoy each other’s company, couples should get to know their match well in advance. A nice appearance, a small foot, a stylish hat, a tilt of the head, a smile, or a clever remark might work temporarily, but looks must last and sustain for the long haul.

Don’t marry a clown. A goofy guy who makes jokes about everything never really gets anywhere, and he never will. Everything he says might be hilarious, but how many times can he be funny?

Fun will eventually get old and worn out; you can't rely on it to live your life. Life is a journey that comes with expenses like travel fare, laundry costs, living expenses, little trinkets, ideas, and real expenditures. True providers are never jokers; the silly guy is a favorite during school days. He seems so charming, just as charming as a cotton hat, so clever, so funny, so sweet. Is he really? Just wait a few years until his cute nonsense turns into real responsibilities!

Don’t marry a guy. Of all weak characters, a guy is the worst,—a step above nothing; a mannequin for a clothing store (sometimes in female form); a street flirter, a hotel-step watcher, a glasses-wearing ogler, a street poser; someone who gets his kicks from looking in the mirror—a wannabe.

Many are called, but few are chosen. Those who are called often face ridicule. The day will come when a tailor-made suit and an elegant outfit will no longer make someone respectable than it would make a wooden Indian in front of a cigar stand a gentleman.

Men, true men of business, and men who are ready for marriage, are not just guys, but strong, honorable individuals with intelligence, integrity, and skill or hard work. They enter the stage of life as real players in its matters, not as background actors and fake soldiers in “Pinafore” battle scenes, where a few show off in fancy costumes as commodores for the entertainment of the audience.

Life is too serious to waste on silly, cheap, flashy[37] colors or flashy clothes; the person who has the least of it is often seen as a gentleman, and that label is spot on. This silly habit of parading around is just as common among women as it is among men. A flirty woman in public is a sorry sight; even someone who stops to notice her must secretly understand her true nature. She fools no one, because her character, like that of a superficial guy, is so obvious that no one misinterprets it. The habit of going nowhere for no reason is as foolish as it is harmful.

Character develops from small actions. Just being seen with a shady person three times, or even once, can completely shift the course of our lives. Don’t adopt the vices of wannabes or the behaviors of street flirts.

Don’t marry a guy or girl who isn’t good at home. That’s the ultimate test of responsibility—doing your duty by yourself, away from the watchful eyes of others[38] and the attention of the world; being good because it’s the right thing to do.

There’s no better guideline for marriage than this: “She loves her mom and isn't afraid to put in the effort. She has a good reputation among her close neighbors. She is neat, sweet, and organized. Every day of the week, she’s always on her game, always a lady.”

And it can be said of a man, “He’s a good guy, take him for what he is; he’s honest, he loves his home, and he treats his sisters and mother with kindness. He is capable of doing good things and not capable of anything petty. He has a good reputation.” He deserves success, and it will come to him. He may not be flashy, but a man grows beyond that. He’s not a work of art, a replica, or a fake, but just a real man. He would be a good choice for marriage; so would she, the one mentioned last.

Don't marry out of pity. It might feel similar to love, but the connection is pretty distant. Many vulnerable[39] women have done this and only regretted it—every single day after. A lifelong regret will follow. What a cold compliment it is to say to any woman, “I felt sorry for her!” Let's get rid of such low uses of pity! Many women have felt pity for a reckless man or a drunk and married him thinking they could change him. It's much better to trust a child with a runaway horse or a rabid dog. Ignoring danger when you see it is careless and irresponsible. Surely you can save one life and its happiness in these situations. One is more than enough to be sacrificed. Let courage be shown by demanding a complete surrender and fair atonement.

Don't marry just for an ideal marriage. The romantic notion of marriage is so far from reality that it can be risky. She is supposed to grow up and leave, heading to Italy or some distant sunny place; there to study music and the classics. On a clear, moonlit evening in [40] during summertime, where birds sing all day, near a stream or a flower garden, she will be taken by surprise by someone whose appearance and mind will fill her with overwhelming joy. They will head to the parlor, and there, beside a grand piano, she will release all the emotions she's been holding back, bringing tears to the eyes of everyone around her; there she will feel the melodies of her childhood, the songs of friends who have passed, and the harmony of all her senses, merging into one sweet welcome to her newfound happiness.

Her trapped soul isn't stuck in ordinary themes anymore; all the hidden strength within her is ready to explode with joy, and the music of her heart will lift her up until the cottage feels small, until flowers, flowing water, vibrant friends, comfort, and wealth all cheer on her joyful journey.

She is meant to be uplifted, reaching heights that[41] are unknown to humans. The one she dreams of now is worthy of Paradise. Every day, his genius will get finer, and every hour, he will become more to her liking. There is a special joy and glory in a new love that seems to soar to greater heights with each moment, like an eagle on its wings.

And this is just the generous dream that Nature gives as an introduction to a real life that’s ahead—so very, very different. The girl who wraps her tender arms around her mother’s neck and is filled with joyful pride as she shares the amazing prize that’s been offered to her doesn’t think about the rainy days to come. Maybe that’s for the best; who would deny her those precious moments of happiness? But since eventually she will have to break the spell and learn it all, it might be wise to drop a hint now and then, and say, This way leads to safety, that way leads to danger!

Don't marry a man with even questionable character.[42] No matter how attractive or intelligent, a bad man possesses traits that are always off-putting; they poison his nature and environment, and the only reliable indicator is his character.

No matter how many promises of change he makes; you don’t have to become a reformer for him. If you want to take the chance, do it after he shows he’s really changed, and don’t rush into it.

No amount of seasoning can make spoiled meat taste good, and no amount of promises can restore a person’s character once it's been damaged by bad habits.

Young women who take on the reform mission end up putting more women and children in prisons later in life due to their own misfortunes than any other group. Instances of reformed men after marriage are so rare that they are considered exceptions. It’s always a risky experiment.

[43]

Don’t be too careful in your search for perfection when it comes to marriage. It has already been mentioned that both men and women are human and flawed. In other words, if you’re searching for angels, you’ll be wasting your time; there aren’t any who are single. If you’re looking for tall, handsome, rich, strong, cultured, talented, and brilliant men, or pure, refined, captivating, and beautiful women, you’ll find that the supply never meets the demand for either gender.

But it's unreasonable to think that the people labeled as "don’t marry" represent everyone else. There are thousands of amazing women and men who have great judgment, healthy bodies, loving personalities, the skills to run a home, be a good partner, raise a family, thrive in social settings, and contribute fully to life’s important work. Occasionally, someone will stand out significantly, but usually, the actual differences are not as big as people often believe. Most people are good and live their lives quietly, without much recognition beyond their own communities.

One person has expressed it quite strongly here for many: “The lives of men and women, even the best of them, are damaged and destroyed by unsuitable marriages. They mostly suffer in silence, too ashamed to speak about the bondage they can't escape. Men and women can’t know what their partners will be like after marriage. I've known a sensitive man, a genius with a soul like a star, whose life felt like a journey over burning coals because his wife was a nasty shrew. Many talented women, who are fit to be queens or empresses, are stuck with a dull, unrefined husband, whose forced company feels like the tortures of Hell to them.”

Don’t get married thinking that one person can have all the good qualities. If you do, you’ll be in for a big disappointment. There aren’t any perfect people. History shows[45] none since the Savior. Even Joseph was ready to punish his enemies.

The majority of men and women are good, genuine, and attractive. The number of people who go down the wrong path is small compared to those who are good. If you look at the population of the country, ninety percent will be good; and sixty percent of all city residents have decent character.

It’s a mistake to think that most people are bad just because the bad ones are often reported in the news. The good people, like the virtuous, live and die without needing praise for their goodness. The majority of people are reasonable, honest, upright, sober, and deserving of marriage.

Don’t end a marriage suddenly. This is the wrong way to dissolve a bad relationship. It strengthens emotional ties. It can lead to running away together, or that gradual deterioration in a girl’s spirit that ends in sadness or madness.

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Love is a fragile plant that, if uprooted or moved, can affect something deep. There are many ways to alter its course; however, of all the things that help it grow, a little resistance is key. Tell a child to stay away from something, and they'll want to touch it even more. Tell a girl that the guy she likes is looked down upon by her family, and she’ll start to resent them for it. Help her understand by showing her the truth, and she’ll be persuaded.

The famous London actor, Garrick, acted like a drunk to charm a girl, and it worked. Her parents could have tried forever and never managed it. Human nature is strange. It will follow when the path is tempting. It will amplify discoveries, but they need to be revealed in the right way. Don’t take away the support until the structure can stand strong on its own.

Don’t suddenly oppose someone's choice of partner. If a girl falls in love with someone of questionable character, it’s[47] best not to directly label him as such. Instead, ask, “What are his habits? Is he good enough and worthy of someone as pure and lovely as you?” This task should be handled by a girl of the same age and background as the one you wish to influence. They should spend time together and find ways to express concerns through this approach—coming from a classmate, a friend, or a companion—and your goal may be easily achieved. A suggested absence without explanation, or a long trip with enjoyable company, could have the desired effect. At the very least, ensure the girl is aware of the true habits and character of the man you oppose. This will be more effective than any amount of urging, scolding, coaxing, or threatening.

Don’t marry out of spite. Why would you? If the person you loved the most has betrayed you and moved on with someone else, it would be foolish to try to get back at him by trapping yourself in a loveless marriage or by committing double suicide.

You will learn this lesson all too painfully when it’s over. Life is too short for those who love it and are well-matched; but many unhappy marriages have made one or the other wish for death a million times, just to escape its burden.

You are the one most interested. You'll discover, after the wedding is done, that there are many situations in life that are far better and easier to handle than a pointless marriage just to get back at someone. You'll get back at them more effectively by demonstrating what a great choice they missed when they chose someone else instead of you.

Don't propose on a laundry day, in the rain, at breakfast, or in a tunnel. There's no room for fainting in the first case, and a slim chance for timing in the last.

Many women have unique ideas about how proposals should be accepted, and for them, any kind of rudeness is incredibly surprising. A very shy guy, feeling anxious, picked up his girlfriend's cat and asked, “Pussy, can I marry your owner?” to which the young lady responded, “Say yes, kitty, when he gets brave enough to ask for her.” This probably helped the young man regain his confidence. It definitely brought everything to a head.

Most young people communicate as if there’s a tall stone wall separating them, and they need to find a door to get through. Curiously, the differences in their opinions disappear as soon as they mention each other’s feelings.

Don't judge a mechanic just because of his job. If he is a good person, his occupation shouldn't matter. He can improve himself and will do so. Collier was a blacksmith, Wilson a shoemaker, Andrew Johnson a tailor, Peter Cooper a glue-maker, Grant a tanner, and Lincoln the simplest of farmers. In this country, it’s not[50] about who a man was, but who he is; not even just who he is, but who he might become and what he is capable of achieving.

Many girls have rejected a mechanic and married a wealthy slacker, only to realize over time that the mechanic was truly a gentleman with great potential, while the slacker stayed the same forever.

Advice is rarely taken in these situations, but it’s worth mentioning. The real measure of a man’s character is shown in his youth. If you want to predict the future, look at the past behavior of the person. If someone is selfish, controlling, and arrogant because of their wealth, they’ll likely make a poor marriage partner. On the other hand, if he is friendly, kind, easygoing, compassionate, cares for his family, and has built strong friendships and character in his early years, he’s not likely to change his ways later on. Often, a poor man with one arm has more true manhood than a wealthy athlete.

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Don’t marry a man who's too broke. It's completely foolish to partner up and try to raise seven kids on what could barely support three. Use some common sense. Consider that food, clothing, and other essentials cost money, and no one can truly be happy without some of these basic comforts. If they can’t afford them on their own, it’s just plain dumb to add to your misery by marrying someone who can’t provide. It’s self-sabotage; worse yet, it’s like committing suicide twice, and it could lead to poverty, crime, and shame.

Don't marry if the woman is older than the man. Men are restless and demanding. They expect grace, beauty, and sophistication; they generally prefer youth over age. At least, it is common to marry a wife several years younger than the husband. Women mature faster; they have a shorter life expectancy and typically live seven to ten years less, appearing older at fifty than a man does at sixty-five.[52] Ideally, a woman should look smaller, younger, and more appealing than a man. This aligns with the views of all cultured individuals.

Don’t marry a grouch. This type of guy will be talkative and convincing. They share all kinds of stories about life—how the world is messed up; how they could fix this or that; how marriages should pair blondes and brunettes; how, with their way of thinking, society would achieve perfection.

Such people are always tyrannical. They are demanding to the extreme; they have no faith, hope, or kindness, but stick to one narrow mindset. They distrust the authorities and usually focus on some obsession, endlessly talking about the rights of free love or the injustices of government. Stay away from them as you would from a homeless person.

Don’t marry just for looks. Chesterfield was well-versed in manners and gave his son this guideline, among his twenty-one rules for choosing a partner:[53] “Don’t let the allure of silk draw you into marriage.” Fancy clothes can be appealing to many. Some pick a wife based on how good she looks in a nice outfit. Some go for a great dancer; others focus on small hands or a petite figure. While these traits can certainly catch your eye, they are only parts of a bigger picture that should guide a wise choice.

Don’t marry a “masher”—man or woman. A regular professional flirt will never commit to loving just one person. Habits formed in the past will stick with them for life. They are like runaway horses—prone to get scared and bolt when you least expect it.

Being polite and attentive to the opposite sex is natural and courteous, but the idea that every attractive woman is fair game is disgusting. The traveler who only sits next to a pretty young woman and tries to engage her in conversation against her wishes is just looking for his next conquest. On the other hand, the woman who often complains about excessive attention from men is usually someone who wanders around alone and seems somewhat open to not being completely overlooked.

Don't marry without love. It will become obvious eventually. You might not notice it at first, but there will come a time when a song, a face, a voice, or a figure will wake you from a dream, and you'll realize you chose carelessly. By then, it will be too late. A loveless marriage might hold up during the honeymoon phase. It may last in your youth, but it won't withstand the storms and challenges that come in later years. It lacks that special something that words can't fully capture—continuity, heartfelt devotion, and endurance.

No matter how ordinary either of them might be, if[55] they love each other, they'll overlook the small stuff and live together patiently and happily until the end. But at least once, they must experience the joy and glory of marriage, which seems to be Nature's wise plan—a love for each other. It lasts through the years and hardships, and it's a stronger bond than any other.

Don’t marry a lazy spendthrift; someone who gets their money easily at first and loses it just as quickly will definitely end up in need, just like water finds its own level. We’re all made for work—whether it’s mental or physical—and with that work comes strength of mind and body. A lazy, aimless life is vulnerable to all kinds of temptation.

It’s not a crime to be rich or poor. What is a crime is to be apathetic in a busy world. It would be shameful for someone standing on a dock to witness a crew drowning without attempting to help. He[56] would be a coward if he didn’t defend a woman in trouble; yet all around us are those who are needy, helpless, drowning, and starving, whom we have a duty to rescue and elevate in life. Marriage is where society is formed, grows, and matures into something useful.

Don't marry a stingy man; of all the selfish, cheap people, he is the worst if he has money and refuses to use it for good. A "dog-in-the-manger" type, who has the means to improve his town, his church, or his neighborhood but chooses not to, is just a parasite in life’s hive and deserves no success.

One who is poor and has no resources is excusable; one who locks away and buries treasures deserves the Biblical judgment of the person who hid their talent in the ground— to have it taken from them and given to the one who is active with their talent.

A narrow-minded, greedy, stingy man will tally up every penny you spend, the postage you use, and the clothes you wear, seeing it all as waste. You have to live in constant[57] fear of such a person—we need not call him a man; that would shame the term. A miser’s wife lives a life without love.

Don’t rush into marriage. Some dive into it like a train racing to extinguish a fire, as if missing a single moment would mean total failure, believing that being the first to commit wins the best reward. Many have regretted such hasty decisions later on in sadness. But above all, make sure to marry at the right time.

Don’t take your time with it. Girls who isolate themselves from everyone except one person and transform their homes into exclusive spaces for that individual will be stressed out in a year or two if things progress too slowly.

Step up and get to it, or give up your claim and let someone else have a shot. Long engagements lead to arguments between lovers; sometimes they don't reconcile, leading to scandal and gossip over broken ties. Eventually, they both end up feeling defeated, crushed by minor neglect and a realistic view of their future. You'll see it all clearly when it's done. It will be a "what could have been" moment, but by then, it will be too late.

Don’t marry a silly girl. It’s a bit of an art to choose a sensible partner, but many people get drawn in by silly remarks and flirtatious behavior of giggling girls and end up marrying them. They make better friends than spouses. They are usually shallow, nonsensical, and superficial. They rarely learn anything; a giggling girl is tiresome in real life. They are as unpredictable as water and as changeable as the wind; find someone you can trust completely.

Avoid messy-dressed girls or careless men. Life sometimes feels very short, but if you choose the wrong partners, it can turn into a long and exhausting experience. A woman with worn-out shoes and a man with a slouched and beat-up hat, indifferent to their appearance, will likely only get worse and rarely improve.

Trivial as it might seem, a neat outfit, everyday clothes, a feminine appearance, and overall style of a person play a significant role in shaping character. Beecher was correct in stating that “clothes do not make the man, but they make him look better after he is made.” The same principle applies to women.

Don't expect too much in marriage. The stories and idealized images of men that we see and read about are always exaggerated. Not one man in a million would match their description. Men are just ordinary flesh-and-blood beings; women are not angels. Those who expect otherwise are setting their hopes too high. Take the most attractive person you know, and after ten years, time will dull their charm; and of all fading looks, the once very handsome lose their appeal the quickest. There are many uniquely faced[60] guys who grow up to be great, strong men. The transition from childhood to youth, and from youth to adulthood, and then on to old age, is incredible. It takes a sharp sense of foresight to gauge the future of many boys and girls based on their beginnings. There’s no safer approach than to pick a good physique, a good mind, a good temperament, and a good character, and then wait for the rest to unfold.

Endure what can't be fixed, and don't wish your spouse were as attractive as a neighbor or as wealthy as some big shot. Youth and good traits are valuable. It might be that he is way richer than the one being envied. The wealthiest aren't always those with the most possessions—many of them are actually quite poor and often unhappy.

Don't marry a guy who's all about appearances. Vanity in a woman is bad enough; in men, it's just unacceptable! A man who's overly concerned with style, a soft-spoken man who acts more like a woman, a walking advertisement for furniture stores, might think he's incredibly impressive, but to a real lady or gentleman, he's nothing special. These types of husbands would never be satisfied with the admiration you give them; they would exhaust your mirrors and test your patience. What are they even good for? There's space for both women and men, but a man who's like a woman or a woman who's like a man will never be great. They aren't likely to get married at all, and even less likely to create a happy home.

Don’t expect everything from one person. Some people think they can find love, beauty, talent, wealth, and affection all in one partner. That’s unrealistic; you’ll never find it, so you might as well stop searching while you’re ahead.

“Waukeen” Miller was asked to rewrite an article sent to a New York magazine and replied with this brief response: “I can’t copy it. I can’t do everything. What do you expect from a person, anyway—to be a genius, an inventor, and a writing teacher? No, I can’t waste my energy on copying worth four to six hundred a year at most.” This sums up the entire topic in one sentence. But it’s important to note that nature is stingy with her gifts. To one person, she gives beauty, to another strength, to another wisdom, to a third courage, to a fourth the ability to acquire wealth, and to others the skills to write and speak, to teach, to manage, to paint, or to command armies: not everyone has the same abilities, and no one possesses all virtues.

Don’t expect too much from a wife. If she’s beautiful, that will be her pride and aspiration. If she’s plain, she might make up for it a thousand times with her kindness, gentleness, hard work, and virtue (the plainest are the least tempted). Dedicating herself to her responsibilities, she might be the most compatible with your lifestyle. If she’s talented, she’ll focus on that. You can’t have beauty, talent, and domestic skills all in one person.

“Looking for angels, are you?” said an older woman in the countryside. “Well, you won’t find them suitable for kitchen work; and speaking of that, how would you look next to an angel, you brute?” and he fell silent.

No, they aren't really cut out for kitchen work, the so-called angels; but many mothers who have raised a big family on their own, without any help, and who have faced the challenges of poverty and hardship, have lived a life that's not much lower than the angels, after all.

Don’t marry and upset your husband. While on this topic, don’t annoy your wife right at dinner time. After dealing with work, he’s tired, irritable, and she feels the same way. It’s much easier to start an argument than to start a coal fire. Wait!

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Don’t respond with anger or irritation; take a moment before replying. Wait!

If a man or woman could just wait during times of anger, everything would calm down and harmony would come back like spring flowers, which don’t always bloom.

Don’t both talk at the same time, or get angry at the same time, or be too stubborn at the same time. No one is ever convinced by angry voices. It’s really off-putting to talk like that; plus, you’ll both regret it a lot later. Wait and let your thoughts settle after dinner; if you have to argue, do it quietly; that’s the new trend. Give the new way a try.

About ten thousand new divorces could be prevented each year by following these common sense rules. When will married people, single people, lovers, and neighbors realize how nice it is to have peace and how uncomfortable it is to argue with each other?

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One guy hits his finger with a hammer and blames his wife for it a month later; one guy's goose gets into a neighbor's garden and gets killed—maybe it deserved it—and yet they end up being sworn enemies for five years; and only when a kid is saved from a burning building or a rabid dog by that enemy neighbor do they realize how nice and beneficial it is to live in harmony.

Families that have been distant for years are someday—oh, someday!—called to confront the sightless eyes that once shone with anger, or to lay to rest in its earthly home the body they avoided over some insignificant disagreement in a fit of passion. If we only knew how soon, how careful we would be! Life is too short to fight and reconcile; those who argue may never reconcile.

Don’t treat marriage lightly. Take something this important seriously. It might seem amusing to a group of girls on a sleigh ride to invite someone and end up with a double wedding, but very few of those marriages turn out well.

Sudden and thoughtless relationships are often mismatches. You might have a mother, a sister, or family to talk to; in that case, the traditional approach is the best. It’s a less than ideal marriage that won't let the customs that have been around for ages add to its seriousness.

Let everyone know openly that you have married, without any secrecy, elopement, or sneaky behavior. Have the courage to follow societal norms in a way that involves every neighbor and every relative.

Marry at home or at church, in good style, without show; marry according to the best practices of the best people, and you'll gain some benefit from the sensible choice.

Don't marry without considering your comfort. A man who plans to spend thirty years or more with[67] a partner will look into his preferences; a woman should do the same. Are you prepared to manage a cattle ranch and face the challenges of the frontier? Then examine the situation openly at the first hint of the man's proposal who expects it.

Do you prefer the city over the countryside? Look for the earliest opportunity. Can you handle a soldier’s absence, or wait for an explorer? Or would you rather have a domestic relationship that keeps you both under one roof every day? These questions should be answered quickly to avoid regret, remorse, or separation. The biggest danger in marriage is lovers being color-blind: they only see one color—rose-colored—until a few weeks after the wedding.

Don’t reject someone because they’re poor. “Wealth brings friends; adversity tests them.” One person may be struggling due to an honest failure, while another might be wealthy from dishonest gains. The first is a man of honor, while the latter is just a successful trickster.

“I’d give everything without hesitation and work day by day if we could go back to where we were and be free from worry and fear,” said a wealthy man’s wife to a friend waiting by her sickbed.

Who hasn’t heard of poor, ordinary boys who faced the hardships of growing up in poverty, worked hard at their studies, shaped a fortune from hard times, and enjoyed it in their later years? Their struggles made their success even sweeter and more likely to last, continuing to benefit future generations.

Franklin started out poor with a penny loaf; Greeley was plain and clumsy. Not many would have predicted Lincoln's rise. Giddings, Collier, and Garfield all began at the bottom, but they ended up with great honor and deserving of any woman's love.

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If we could just get close enough to Genius to understand its true value; if we could respect talent and admire integrity and accurately assess potential greatness, what a treasure we would have!

Like expensive properties in big cities, those who find rare spots often don’t realize the true value of what they buy. Development takes time; it requires more patience, talent, and character than we’re typically willing to give. However, those who can see the bigger picture are always rewarded, just like in marriage.

Don’t get married and expect your husband to be wealthy when you're young. Only older men should be considered for financial security. In a hopeful country like ours, few people are rich before turning fifty, and rarely under sixty.

Young men who get their education and start learning a trade are hardly partners by the time they're thirty or thirty-five. It takes time to succeed. Many[70] mistakes can happen along the way. Hardly any wholesale businesses in New York or Boston have lasted twenty years without facing failure. Failure is the norm; success is the exception. Patience, courage, and perseverance lead to victory, but those who spend freely in the morning have little left by evening. Those who save early end up with double later on.

Don’t marry someone with opposing religious beliefs. If you can, marry someone who shares your views. This might sound awkward, but the number of divorces will validate this advice. Parents and children often clash over religious topics. The farmer’s “Betsey and I are out” dispute was about our differing beliefs. And the more we debated it, the less we ever agreed.

It’s nice to find common ground on such an important topic in families, especially in Protestant and Catholic families, where education is sometimes[71] controlled by the church, and marriages are considered invalid by one church if they aren’t conducted according to its rituals and between true believers of its faith and beliefs.

Don't marry a duke, or any man who relies on his title. Most of these guys are pretty ordinary, and many young people who pursue their company end up feeling tricked, let down, and really disappointed.

They expect a fortune right from the start and will be the most demanding people you can imagine. This is simply a result of their birth and environment. Novels spin many lovely tales about brave and noble dukes, their grand palaces, devoted servants, and gardens full of flowers. But real-life experience tells a very different story.

The history of nine out of ten of these unnatural unions shows a pattern of wasting about half a million on a spoiled daughter to fulfill a mother's ambition, which ultimately leads to the misery caused by that expensive choice.[72] Don't marry just for status to avoid being a burden or carrying one.

Marry a man you can respect, and make sure he can respect you too. There are many farmers, mechanics, merchants, conductors, doctors, lawyers, and business professionals who are deserving, reliable, generous, and noble, and who will make great husbands.

Seek them out based on their character, how they act at home, how they treat sisters and mothers, their commitment to work, and their sense of integrity. Show them that you trust them. Be prepared to get married. Become skilled and helpful. Make yourself deserving of a home, and learn how to manage it with competence and kindness. Loving personalities are not ignored for long. The worn-out socialites and women who fade away and end up bitter and single were insincere or lacked some quality of charm.

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Do marry a President. That’s the way to go now. It’s so romantic. Ignore all those other concerns—age, love, jealousy, money, and so on. Just get yourself a President—for the status, you know!

Then all the little jewels, diamonds, and gifts will come pouring in like flowers for a beloved singer. All minor objections disappear in front of a President. They must fit into any situation of beauty, talent, or intelligence. Don’t turn down a President’s offer; you might only get one like it in a lifetime.

Marry a regular guy. Just a regular, down-to-earth man; whether he's a banker, lawyer, doctor, farmer, builder, or merchant, as long as he's a man; because strong manhood is rare these days in home life! The world is overflowing with brilliant men. Public offices are meant to serve the public, and all that comes with that responsibility, but there are women in roles where the idea of home has very little[74] meaning, and other women who yearn for the peace and comfort of real domestic life, away from the pressures of work and the demands of high-status positions.

Two of the main things causing the greatest misery for people today are excessive ambition and impulsive marriages.

Don't try to persuade a woman to love you. If you want to succeed, that's definitely not the right approach. If she has any sense of it, you're moving in the exact opposite direction of winning her over.

Women dislike a sycophantic, submissive attitude. “Fortune and women, meant to be led, are drawn to those who are confident and daring.”

A much smarter way to win will be by showing indifference. Show enough willingness to reassure her and enough courage to act like a man.

Ten to one you've misjudged her mood because you weren't straightforward. There's nothing more moving than honesty[75]. If you're truly committed to getting married and have shared the complete story with the right person, sincerely and truthfully, the response should be clear-cut.

Keen dealers rarely joke around; they might pause, they might explain what they need and want, but they never negotiate for too long or show much worry about sealing a deal.

Winning a wife or a partner is a rare skill. Being deserving of either is the most important factor. It's better to be deserving than to be President and not worthy.

It must be reassuring even for a rejected lover to think he’s better than the one who succeeded. The next best thing to being worthy is being prepared. Many a young person starts driving, sledding, and dressing for social events while paying for their clothes in installments, and whose income is completely mismatched with their spending.

Fairness requires that a girl should improve her situation when she gets married. How can anyone expect her to marry into unhappiness?

Chesterfield shares an old Spanish saying that holds a lot of power and relevance: “It's the beginning that is difficult in everything. Once the first step is taken, the rest is easy.”

Don’t marry thoughtlessly. Before two or more men enter into a partnership, they get to know each other’s ways of advancing the business they plan to pursue; the trust that each has in the other’s worthiness, the skills, effort, etc., each can contribute, and the possibility of reaching a shared agreement and success.

Without some inquiry into these essential requirements, no business would be established. It would be a foolish investment to buy products and set up stores or warehouses without any prediction of outcomes; and yet this is exactly the situation with marriage.

Partnerships are like business marriages. It’s not[77] wise to be overly detached and strategic about it; being too cautious might allow someone else to seize the opportunity and benefit. But a bit of common sense should definitely be included in something as important as a lifelong commitment.

Firms have a limited lifespan, while marriages can last indefinitely, only ending in death or divorce, averaging over thirty years. It's really hard to know who to marry since no one can predict their future situation. However, it's worth mentioning a significant group of people that you shouldn't marry, at least until every other option is no longer available.

If someone could predict how much happiness relies on choosing the right partners, and if they took a basic precaution to think it through carefully, they could spare society from shame and themselves from long-lasting unhappiness. The truth is, one of the biggest problems in America today is the[78]weakness of marriage commitments, and the suffering it brings to family life.

If these suggestions or reminders help even one woman steer clear of a bad marriage, and one man enter into a good one, or prevent a lengthy argument, or keep families united, or assist a shy guy in getting a positive response with a thoughtful proposal, then the time spent reading will be worth it, and the minimal cost will be a fantastic investment.

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Caroline Crofton had finished her studies at Vassar, being one of its earliest graduates and one of the most accomplished in her class of about thirty young women from New England, known for their grace, talent, and generous spirits, as well as their strong principles and excellent character. She was shorter than her classmates, the only daughter of Judge Crofton, whose demeanor and upbringing made him a cultured, refined, and honorable gentleman, as well as a dignified and fair judge.

All the culture and character that could enhance the beauty of nature were given to Caroline, who never opted for a trendy nickname. Carline[80] was the shortest way to refer to her, which her mother didn’t particularly like. She got the traits associated with her from her father, while her mother, like a clingy vine wrapped around the oak, had a trusting, lovable nature, with darker hair and eyes than the Judge. These traits blended in their daughter, resulting in a slender figure and a graceful form, with a passionate, lovable personality that was easy to see.

Diligent by nature and proud of her progress in early studies, Caroline had entered Vassar’s advanced classes and put all her energy into excelling in each subject.

She basically lived in her books for four full years, ignoring trends, social life, and even the newspapers; her only goal seemed to be excellence. When graduation day came, and the long line of students in white sat in eager anticipation to read their papers and receive[81] their awards, something deeper than just a general interest was stirred.

Such are the days when wealthy, ambitious young men and less-fortunate men with an appreciation for beauty come in and listen to the exaggerated stories of schoolgirls’ first performances.

The theme of Caroline Crofton was “Pioneers;” how they founded our government in the small log schoolhouses of New England in the sixteenth century; how they established their town meetings and voting districts; how they gradually pushed back the Indians (“noble redmen”) from the rich, fertile Mohawk Valley in New York, cleared the underbrush from the productive plains of Northern Ohio and Pennsylvania, and boldly navigated the dense forests of cold Northern Michigan; fearlessly and courageously establishing schools and churches right in the middle of Indian huts and wigwams, putting their lives on the line to build and populate a great, growing nation; and how wonderfully they all thrived.

In her vivid and graphic portrayal of a rich theme (one learned from books and stories), she focused on the roles that mothers had played and that brothers were playing in this wave of prosperity and progress, until tears began to fall from the sincere eyes of the old gray-haired professors, who were the judges, and many mothers felt their hearts swell with pride at the mention of their brave sons fighting against the challenges of the Western wilderness, because their sons were among them.

Caroline Crofton felt the stillness of silence, always greeted by applause that was impossible to resist; she sensed the emotion and shared that feeling with her audience. She lost herself in the moment, forgetting about her listeners, and read with an enthusiastic energy stemming from her strong belief in the importance of the[83] theme she was promoting. Waves of applause followed her conclusion, and she staggered back to her seat, truly overwhelmed by the amazing performance that earned her a beautifully engraved medal as the top of her class at Vassar.

Whether the impact of that essay on Caroline's mind or its greater effect on Cyrus Arthur (a recent arrival at Vassar) was the main reason for their quick connection isn't clear to the writers; however, it's certain that an early friendship quickly turned into affection. Caroline's simple inquiries about his character were satisfying, so he was quickly welcomed as a suitor in the respected household of Judge Crofton, located along the beautiful St. Lawrence. The Judge was led to believe that a long-standing friendship had developed between schoolmates, when in reality, it was a love-at-first-sight situation, based on very little thought.

[84]

That these young and ambitious lovers had everything their social class could offer will always be a mystery, as their later lives reveal very little about it. Their later lives were a fight for survival first and then for status. They really delayed truly living, very foolishly.

Cyrus Arthur was a tall, well-built, dark-haired, handsome guy, who was quite confident in social settings. He usually took the lead in dances and parties due to his size and commanding presence rather than any real talent or goodness. He was one of the village leaders who won favor with his good looks and exterior charm; one of the favored few who shine in the morning but whose afternoons are often more dim.

There was a calm, contented smile and a hint of satisfaction on the proud face of young Arthur as he presented himself to the Judge’s daughter in the way generals do in battle. He got what he wanted, and she achieved her goal. He married for beauty, while she married a leader. Her vibrant future held the promise of intellectual greatness; his initial pride came from victory, followed by recognition.

A big guy in a small town might feel like a nobody in a big city.

In a timely manner, they got married, of course; and there’s not much to say about their courtship, as it was completely unromantic.

Arthur’s dad was a merchant with modest resources, and the younger Arthur, eager to head West and thrive alongside the nation, settled early in a lumber town in Northern Michigan. He brought along his lovely young partner, who quickly discovered that her idealized vision of courageous pioneers wasn’t quite the reality.

Dreams are one thing, but reality is another; jobs were hard to come by in the sprawling city, but there were plenty in the logging areas. After the first day of [86] married life turned into weeks, and living expenses hit them with painful regularity, the new couple had to cut back and then search for work, which they initially found in managing a store and camp, cooking for a big lumber operation; definitely much less glamorous than the image painted in a Vassar schoolgirl’s essay.

But they thrived, and through careful saving, always guided by the wiser advice of the more vulnerable one, they became managers, then owners, of a portable sawmill and a ranch, and slowly built up a store building that was partly paid for.

From the letters sent home, showcasing their frugality and careful spending, small amounts were gradually lent to the distant figure that the serious old Judge’s family admired. One day, Cyrus was surprised and thrilled to discover a large shipment of goods sent to stock their store and help them get a good start during their tough beginnings.

It was the effort and impact of that smart little wife, whose gentle hands had become tougher from cooking, sewing, and working for forty or more sturdy workers, along with the rewards it brought and the motivation for both of them. With a well-stocked grocery store and comfortable surroundings, Cyrus started to face the world with a sense of ease and take things more calmly. Meanwhile, Caroline's quiet ambition resolved that if growing up with the country meant anything, she would uncover its secrets. She kept digging, saving, planning, executing, and encouraging her husband in his large contracts.

Here was a profit from forty workers, a margin on their payment in goods, an increase in lumber prices, and a great chance to purchase large areas of pine timber for very low cash prices. Using her savings, the young wife suggested smart investments.

[88]

Fifty-seven, eight, and nine were tough years in Northern Michigan. Many men would happily exchange a load of shingles for a bag of corn, and a thousand feet of timber for just one ham. New England frugality dominated the market, and the young daughter of a wise judge weighed her options and made the most of the sunny days effectively.

Four years went by, and a quick increase in prices gradually boosted the value of timber, then lumber, then shingles, and then land. Long before the war was over, Arthur and his once-timid wife became some of the wealthy citizens of the Rapids.

A big, strong build, and not much stress; a dark, tan complexion with a thick black beard; this man's face at thirty-eight[89] showed fewer signs of age than that of his younger, fair-skinned companion by six years.

Age, climate, work, and caregiving were showing on Caroline's slender frame. The quick arrival of three children in ten years also revealed the story of a mother's worries, marked by subtle lines on her once delicate face.

Absorbed in her duties as a wife, she had little space for social life, while he, a man freed from hard work by his wealth, was reaching the peak of maturity when the world looks up with satisfaction at someone who has succeeded, not even questioning how, or why, or for any reason.

Long trips to big cities, being away from home, hanging out with rich lumbermen, and taking on the social status that wealth always brings were affecting Cyrus Arthur in the same way they affect many others in similar situations.

He wanted a bigger playground for his talents, so he moved[90] and settled in a big city. He longed for companionship, and he became popular with women; he grew fond of the more assertive ones. He fell; he fell frequently.

If he had ever loved his devoted wife, the one responsible for all his success and prosperity, he was now becoming distant, obsessed with the affection of more passionate women. Driven by desire to surround himself with bold and deceitful individuals, he lost his self-respect, his love for home, and became infatuated with a captivating woman who had just divorced her husband.

A spell came over him; “the trail of the serpent is over them all,”—the “twelfth temptation,” as shown in the powerful drama of its name, that takes an innocent farm boy, guides him safely through the challenges of a big city, protects him from bars and alcohol, theft and dishonesty, and finally, when he's weakened by flirting with sin, brings him face to face with[91] such dazzling beauty that his downfall before it seems as natural as his eventual ruin is complete.

The serpent's trail crossed Arthur's path. The coil wrapped around him because he loved the daring siren who captivated him, and he gave in to the twelfth temptation.

“For a woman can do with a man what she wants;” yet a man who understands a woman completely and loves her genuinely—and there are women who can be understood and loved in this way—will find, after a few years, that his enjoyment of the baser pleasures decreases, and that he has developed a taste for intellectual and refined entertainments effortlessly, and almost without realizing it.

Fettered and controlled by the manipulation of his evil genius, Cyrus Arthur lost all power except for what he borrowed from his seducer. Her advice replaced the once wise confidence of a better companion. Her influence was like a magnet in a compass—it pulled him into silent obedience to her will. He was consumed, confused, enchanted, stranded, lost!

As frequently as they came together in their destructive ways, she asked for a divorce and insisted on starting the process quickly.

“But the reason?” he would say. “Reason?” she would answer; “create a reason!” “Not so easily done,” replied her eager admirer.

“Money can do anything,” was her quick response.

“Money can do anything,” the affectionate lumberman reiterated; “it’s true, money can do everything.”

But how? When and where?

These questions were all confusing.

There was a dark-faced inspector, a jack-of-all-trades in the lumber camp, named Roland, who had[93] often visited Arthur’s. He sometimes drank a bit too much Northern fire-water, as the Indians call it, and during those times, his poverty would lead him to agree to almost anything, under one excuse or another.

Young Roland was sent to check if Mr. Arthur was home or if Mrs. Arthur needed anything bought or any errands run, with instructions to suggest that his boss had been seen riding out with the enchantress in a carriage, apparently heading to another village. These little annoyances were meant to be repeated for effect, but it didn’t seem likely to make an impact. They did spark some curiosity, and during those times of private meetings, Mrs. Arthur was left alone with the hired spy and listened to his implications about her husband’s indiscretions.

Neither by word, action, nor whisper did Caroline show any sign of her unhappiness, except for the deeper lines and paler complexion[94] that easily went unnoticed by someone who barely looked her in the eyes twice a day for months on end.

It was a failure; she would never take action, he had to step up.

Armed with a sworn statement about her affair with Roland from a recent encounter, along with additional documents to finalize their separation and determine alimony of a few thousand dollars as her share of their substantial property, Cyrus Arthur showed up at his wife's place late at night like a thief looking for her valuables, and demanded complete surrender. Stunned and shocked, overwhelmed by the news, she cried bitterly, pleaded, begged, and implored her husband, in the name of Heaven, to spare her and her children from such a terrible disgrace. The sound of the pines in a Northern forest would have swayed him just as much. She stood between him and a coveted[95] goal; he had to succeed. He was already pushed to the brink of desperation. Seizing on the part of her plea about their little girls, he twisted it to his advantage.

“If you want to avoid disgrace for yourself and them forever, don’t deny it, and everything will be a secret, and no one will know.”

“Can this be true?” asked the distracted mother of the other lawyer.

“Yes,” he replied, cases have been heard for defaults and divorces granted, and not a single bill or answer has ever been published.

“What is a bill and answer?” asked the little woman through her tears, as she never imagined a divorce from her husband until that moment.

“It is the reason and grounds for divorce,” replied the attorney.

“Cyrus Arthur,” his wife said, looking into the eyes that avoided her sincerity, “are you serious about this, or are you just messing around?”

[96]

“I'm serious,” he said.

“Have you forgotten my home, my surroundings, the shock to my mom, my dad, my own feelings, my neighbors, our kids? Do you realize how you hurt me and do wrong?”

“How I have worked hard and supported you, planned our success! How I have suffered, nearly to the point of death, in bringing you these children! Are you serious?”

“If your heart isn’t made of stone, talk to me; should I deny this ridiculous slander? Should I tell you before God, who will one day judge us all, that every single accusation is a disgraceful lie and perjury; should I put my word against his and have you reject me?”

“But you can't swear in court in cases like this,” said the prepared lawyer.

“Then Heaven will hear me; I’m innocent. And may the Almighty end my life right here, if I have ever, by action or glance, or word or deed,[97] done anything that a genuine woman should not do in every day of our married life, from beginning to end, as God is my witness!”

“But your children?” he pleaded, as if he hadn’t heard a single word of her serious objections.

On and on they argued, the hour getting later and later, until, exhausted at midnight, they handed her the papers and eight thousand dollars, which she was to take back to her home in New England, and give up any defense in the case, including a waiver of all dower rights in his estate, both real and personal.

You might laugh at the absurdity, and you might wonder why there’s such urgency and pressure.

“But who, unfortunately! can love and still be wise?”

Ask the court records in every American city, and you'll discover stronger cases and more severe instances, deeper degradation, greater hardship, and equal perjury. Ask about one court and find this case!

[98]

No sleep or rest comes to Caroline Arthur. Early dawn found her surrounded by her crying children, alarmed by the sudden illness, which she simply referred to as illness.

Twice she set out for the City National Bank to deposit her money, and twice she changed her mind. Once she decided to talk to a neighbor, but later decided she would deal with her sadness on her own.

Hastily submitting his bill and ensuring her presence, an early request for a hearing before a commissioner resulted in a divorce due to infidelity in less than a single week.

Elated by his victory, with his accomplishments well documented, and the court’s official seal granting their divorce, Cyrus Arthur strutted through the streets with total confidence as a man who had triumphed.

It’s said that Roman generals, after winning battles, always carried the signs of their victories; our modern general did the same, but only for a short time.

[99]

Once in the newspapers, the busy streets were filled with loud criticism. “Eight thousand dollars for a property worth one hundred and fifty thousand dollars!” said the bankers. “The wife who made him what he is,” remarked another. “A disgrace to our society,” said the third. “A fraud, a fake, a cover-up,” said yet another.

And most people joined in the final anthem—“a fake, an excuse,” a scheme to get rid of his exhausted wife and marry that unscrupulous trader in vice and immorality.

Press interviews took place, and the sweet little lady with clean hands and an honest heart, whose spirit sparkled like a diamond amidst the dirt of malicious gossip surrounding her, completely and consistently denied the whole story, providing a detailed account with remarkable supporting evidence to convince any reasonable person of her honesty.

[100]

Indignation had no limits; a team of skilled lawyers quickly filed a counterclaim, asking to dismiss the fraudulent bill and to annul all transactions with Arthur. And in almost as short a time as it took him to get his decree, she was restored to her rights, receiving a divorce from Arthur along with a thirty-thousand-dollar settlement.

He was expelled from the city in disgrace, while she continued her life with dignity; however, the blemish on the children was of a more lasting kind.

[101]

Grace Hartwell graduated from Hillsdale College in 18— and took a job as an assistant teacher at the Union school on College Hill. She lived with her mother across the narrow river nearby, where she would pass the old homestead of Richard Baker, son of a wealthy farmer who lived next to the village, and who had taken an interest in the pretty young teacher early on.

Grace was a complete brunette, with a lighter complexion than what's typical for her type of beauty.

She was beautiful, with nicely shaped arms, thick black hair, rosy lips, pale hands, and eyes that were very expressive—eyes that were big and stood out, shining with strong contrasts, the dark part[102] and the light part being distinct and clearly defined.

Grace was just as much a beauty as she was a dreamer, and she yearned for the kind of change that perfectly fits a girl with her quick, passionate, and impulsive nature—a marriage.

Richard was on the shorter side, with very light hair, a slim build, and he didn’t talk much. He was shy and awkward, especially around Grace, whom he saw at parties, charity events, and college receptions, all of which were common and entertaining in their vibrant village.

Both traveled too far for their dinner to make the trip enjoyable, and both often carried their daily lunches in small baskets for convenience.

On their way home, they occasionally ran into each other, exchanged nods, and chatted about the previous night’s party. Meeting these roadside[103] encounters had become such a routine for Richard, perfectly timed to align with his solitary companion, that they quickly turned into a regular part of each day’s story.

Grace was open to listening, and Richard was eager to step off his usual path and take a detour to keep her company.

They were in love without any romantic gestures, and contrary to what all their friends believed and expected.

She was the jewel of the village; he wasn’t wealthy or well-liked, just plain and unappealing. He wasn’t her only admirer, but the first one got upset over her interest in a newcomer in town, which annoyed the arrogant admirer of her beauty, and each one wanted her whole heart.

Miss Hartwell’s father was a tall, dark-eyed Virginian, warm-blooded, swarthy, and impulsive, and he didn’t like the way his daughter was getting close to her new friend.

[104]

He firmly set his boundaries. He demanded compliance. He wanted status, a respectable family background, wealth, and social prestige, or there would be no marriage.

Grace couldn't always manage her students, but she was determined to manage herself.

Here, both the father and daughter were very similar.

Time went by; their bond deepened through resistance. This is often how it goes for lovers who are apart; but they weren’t completely separated.

At the death of Richard’s stepfather, the estate split brought in a solid three thousand for the young farmer, who had been doing most of the farming lately. He then set off on an early trip to the wheat-growing areas of the Northwest, determined to test the climate, compare prices, and assess the overall prospects for investment. He bought a large amount of high-quality prairie land early on. He worked hard, succeeded, and became well-off as a farmer.

And what happened to Grace, the teacher? Letters[105] to and from Dakota, neatly written, well-chosen words, and properly punctuated, from one side; rushed notes, poorly written, from the other. The mind can never fully focus on two things at once, and the best remedy for heartache is staying busy and working hard.

The rising demands of farming, the scale of the business, and the ongoing need for money (since the early stages of farming require investment) were a constant source of stress for Richard. “My poor Richard” wasn't an unusual phrase in Grace’s letters; she had truly found an apt name for her distant lover—someone who loved land and livestock, who appreciated fields and harvesters, who cared for fences and shade trees, and who was becoming more of a Northwesterner; but sadly lacking in real happiness.

They were married; Grace moved to her simple home and decorated it with taste, skill, and elegance. She brought to her new place all[106] the delicacy of intricate craftsmanship, neat stitching, and tidy decorations from her Eastern education, having spent countless hours working on them.

It felt like an unending harvest, a long, busy day, a fight and a struggle in a desolate expanse of wide fields far from the market. They grew large quantities of crops but sold them at low prices.

The panic of ’73 and the harsh winter that followed didn’t make for a very happy honeymoon for either of them, but they got through it all, risking everything in a hopeful dream of future wealth. Back then, in a land without railroads (that’s changed now; it’s as much more brilliant today as an electric light compared to a regular candle), Dakota was quite a bleak place.

Sometimes, it's true, Grace would feel a deep sense of homesickness. It hits a distant settler many times throughout life; but she'd suppress it and[107] resolve to be a strong wife and a good partner.

Ten years have passed, and things are better; both are older, a bit weathered by the elements, bigger, changed.

On my way to the National Park, I happened to pass their village one evening while traveling on the Pacific Railroad and casually mentioned "Hillsdale."

I saw a woman turn halfway around and look at me, but I kept moving on, not really paying attention to what was happening. Suddenly, her friend stood up and asked me if I said Hillsdale, to which I nodded. Then a free seat was made, and both of them came back and started asking me questions. They were really unusual people.

He was a sturdy, long-bearded man, half gray, wearing a buffalo overcoat, fur cap, and mittens; she was bundled up in beaver fur; both looked very much like they were from the West in every way.

[108]

“You mentioned Hillsdale, sir,” the woman began; “and we used to live there and are curious to know if you’d stay with us for the night. We have a farm near the next station. I hope you’ll agree to spend the night with us;” it was clear that she was the one in charge socially.

There was a desperate look in their eyes, a sincere expression that said, "Please go ahead," and I agreed.

Two miles, a ride in a cold open sleigh—"cold" doesn’t really capture it—and we came across a low, unpainted farmhouse with plastered walls below, a chamber-floor above, and rough walls. It was a house with three rooms, mostly based in two; a farm spanning six thousand acres, five teams of horses, three tenant houses, and plenty of wagons, sleighs, and farming tools, but no comfort in sight.

After breakfast, the farmer fed his animals and took care of his daily tasks while I stayed in [109] and made small talk by a weak fire made of bad coal and damp kindling. Each time he came in, I noticed how gently he handled his little pet dogs, which seemed to be his only kids, how invested he was in the farm and the livestock, and how eager he was for me to see the ranch, yet how little attention he paid to his more important guest.

“Where are your kids?” I cautiously asked.

"They're all three over there in the field," she said, and I knew they all slept in small houses there. This seemed to release the flood of emotions she'd been holding back since the night before. "If it weren't for my husband," she added, "I would have gone home by now. He promised me we would leave as soon as the road was built, but it costs so much that we keep putting it off year after year. But I really want to go! And when I heard the word 'Hillsdale' last night, it filled me with so much longing for home that I could hardly contain myself. I hope you[110] weren’t offended; it felt like if someone would just come and talk to me, my life would feel new again! It's so empty, so dreary, so cold and desolate, and I’m so hungry for life." Tears came quickly, filling her large dark eyes and softening her voice to a tone of trust. With eagerness, she spoke of care, work, trouble, sorrow, and neglect; for in his pursuit of wealth, he had forgotten her as the years went by, and both were aging rapidly, while he paid no attention—just going about his farm, his reapers, sheep, and crops; his heart was full of those, leaving no space for her, no space for life.

“And you’ve been out here for fifteen years?” I asked. “How many of those years have you actually lived?”

“Lived!” said Grace—because this was Grace and Richard, as you should already know—“lived!” she replied; “in work and trouble a long life[111] indeed; in happiness, not even a year yet. We've been waiting every year for that good time to come when we would find our happiness; we haven’t found it yet. The more he gets, the more he wants. Land means responsibility, and taxes, and hiring people, worry about crops, and too much work.

“I would rather live one year back at the old farm schoolhouse, when I brought my lunch to school and had a caring group of faces looking into my eyes every noon, loving me, than own all our land and be here for a dozen years.”

“Life isn't just measured in years for me! I've learned that lesson the hard way, living in a place where we experience so little of real life that memory is all the hope I have.”

“Starving in the midst of abundance is just cruel,” I said. “Sell half and enjoy what you can while you still have the chance. You’re wasting your entire lives chasing after happiness that’s out of reach.”

I have since learned that my visit was a breakthrough[112] and change, and that they are living better.

And I thought, as I faced the States and cast a long, sad look at the lonely figure in the doorway, and then at the bundle of robes next to me, who was taking me to the land of everyday pleasure, if their kids had grown up and lived in a place like this, where would their hope be? In the land and horses! Where would their companions be? Among flocks and cattle. Hoping to someday find better living conditions. I turned away in sadness, thinking, “God help the land-poor farmers, and have compassion for their wives, and show them the lives they are living!”