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UNCANNY STORIES

“A terrified bird flew out of the hedge ...”

“A terrified bird flew out of the hedge ...”


UNCANNY STORIES
CREEPY TALES
By May Sinclair
Author of “Anne Severn and the Fieldings,” etc.
Illustrations by Jean de Bosschère
LONDON: HUTCHINSON & CO.
PATERNOSTER ROW

CONTENTS
CONTENTS

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
ILLUSTRATION LIST

UNCANNY STORIES
CREEPY STORIES

WHERE THEIR FIRE IS NOT QUENCHED

There was nobody in the orchard. Harriott Leigh went out, carefully, through the iron gate into the field. She had made the latch slip into its notch without a sound.

There was no one in the orchard. Harriott Leigh went out quietly through the iron gate into the field. She had made the latch click into its notch without making a sound.

The path slanted widely up the field from the orchard gate to the stile under the elder tree. George Waring waited for her there.

The path sloped broadly up the field from the orchard gate to the stile under the elder tree. George Waring was waiting for her there.

Years afterwards, when she thought of George Waring she smelt the sweet, hot, wine-scent of the elder flowers. Years afterwards, when she smelt elder flowers she saw George Waring, with his beautiful, gentle face, like a poet’s or a musician’s, his black-blue eyes, and sleek, olive-brown hair. He was a naval lieutenant.

Years later, whenever she thought of George Waring, she could smell the sweet, hot scent of elderflowers. Years later, whenever she smelled elderflowers, she pictured George Waring, with his beautiful, gentle face like that of a poet or a musician, his dark blue eyes, and smooth, olive-brown hair. He was a naval lieutenant.

Yesterday he had asked her to marry him and she had consented. But her father hadn’t, and she had come to tell him that and say good-bye before he left her. His ship was to sail the next day.

Yesterday he asked her to marry him, and she said yes. But her dad didn't approve, so she came to tell him that and to say goodbye before he left her. His ship was set to sail the next day.

He was eager and excited. He couldn’t believe that anything could stop their happiness, that anything he didn’t want to happen could happen.

He was eager and excited. He couldn’t believe that anything could ruin their happiness, that anything he didn’t want to happen could actually happen.

“Well?” he said.

"Well?" he said.

“He’s a perfect beast, George. He won’t let us. He says we’re too young.”

“He's a perfect jerk, George. He won't let us. He says we're too young.”

“I was twenty last August,” he said, aggrieved.

“I turned twenty last August,” he said, annoyed.

“And I shall be seventeen in September.”

“And I will be seventeen in September.”

“And this is June. We’re quite old, really. How long does he mean us to wait?”

“And this is June. We’re actually quite old. How long does he expect us to wait?”

“Three years.”

"3 years."

“Three years before we can be engaged even— Why, we might be dead.”

“Three years before we can even get engaged— Why, we could be dead.”

She put her arms round him to make him feel safe. They kissed; and the sweet, hot, wine-scent of the elder flowers mixed with their kisses. They stood, pressed close together, under the elder tree.

She wrapped her arms around him to make him feel safe. They kissed, and the sweet, warm scent of the elder flowers mixed with their kisses. They stood close together under the elder tree.

Across the yellow fields of charlock they heard the village clock strike seven. Up in the house a gong clanged.

Across the yellow fields of charlock, they heard the village clock chime seven. Up in the house, a gong rang out.

“Darling, I must go,” she said.

“Darling, I have to go,” she said.

“Oh stay—Stay five minutes.”

“Oh wait—Stay five more minutes.”

He pressed her close. It lasted five minutes, and five more. Then he was running fast down the road to the station, while Harriott went along the field-path, slowly, struggling with her tears.

He held her tight. It lasted five minutes, then another five. After that, he was sprinting down the road to the station, while Harriott walked along the field path, slowly, fighting back her tears.

“He’ll be back in three months,” she said. “I can live through three months.”

“He’ll be back in three months,” she said. “I can get through three months.”

But he never came back. There was something wrong with the engines of his ship, the Alexandra. Three weeks later she went down in the Mediterranean, and George with her.

But he never came back. There was something wrong with the engines of his ship, the Alexandra. Three weeks later, she sank in the Mediterranean, and George went down with her.

Harriott said she didn’t care how soon she died now. She was quite sure it would be soon, because she couldn’t live without him.

Harriott said she didn’t care how soon she died now. She was pretty sure it would be soon, because she couldn’t live without him.

Five years passed.

Five years later.

The two lines of beech trees stretched on and on, the whole length of the Park, a broad green drive between. When you came to the middle they branched off right and left in the form of a cross, and at the end of the right arm there was a white stucco pavilion with pillars and a three-cornered pediment like a Greek temple. At the end of the left arm, the west entrance to the Park, double gates and a side door.

The two rows of beech trees stretched on and on for the entire length of the Park, with a wide green path in between. When you reached the middle, they split off to the right and left in the shape of a cross, and at the end of the right side, there was a white stucco pavilion with pillars and a triangular pediment like a Greek temple. At the end of the left side, the west entrance to the Park featured double gates and a side door.

Harriott, on her stone seat at the back of the pavilion, could see Stephen Philpotts the very minute he came through the side door.

Harriott, sitting on her stone seat at the back of the pavilion, could see Stephen Philpotts the moment he walked through the side door.

He had asked her to wait for him there. It was the place he always chose to read his poems aloud in. The poems were a pretext. She knew what he was going to say. And she knew what she would answer.

He had asked her to wait for him there. It was the spot he always picked to read his poems aloud. The poems were just an excuse. She knew what he was going to say. And she knew how she would respond.

There were elder bushes in flower at the back of the pavilion, and Harriott thought of George Waring. She told herself that George was nearer to her now than he could ever have been, living. If she married Stephen she would not be unfaithful, because she loved him with another part of herself. It was not as though Stephen were taking George’s place. She loved Stephen with her soul, in an unearthly way.

There were elder bushes blooming at the back of the pavilion, and Harriott thought of George Waring. She reminded herself that George was closer to her now than he could have ever been while he was alive. If she married Stephen, she wouldn’t be disloyal, because she loved him with a different part of herself. It wasn’t as if Stephen was replacing George. She loved Stephen deeply, in a way that felt otherworldly.

But her body quivered like a stretched wire when the door opened and the young man came towards her down the drive under the beech trees.

But her body shook like a tight wire when the door opened and the young man walked towards her down the driveway under the beech trees.

She loved him; she loved his slenderness, his darkness and sallow whiteness, his black eyes lighting up with the intellectual flame, the way his black hair swept back from his forehead, the way he walked, tiptoe, as if his feet were lifted with wings.

She loved him; she loved his lean build, his dark skin and pale complexion, his black eyes shining with intelligence, the way his black hair was swept back from his forehead, and the way he walked, on his toes, as if his feet were lifted by wings.

He sat down beside her. She could see his hands tremble. She felt that her moment was coming; it had come.

He sat down next to her. She could see his hands shaking. She felt that her moment was near; it had arrived.

“I wanted to see you alone because there’s something I must say to you. I don’t quite know how to begin....”

“I wanted to see you by yourself because there’s something I need to tell you. I’m not really sure how to start....”

Her lips parted. She panted lightly.

Her lips parted. She breathed heavily.

“You’ve heard me speak of Sybill Foster?”

“You’ve heard me talk about Sybill Foster?”

Her voice came stammering, “N-no, Stephen. Did you?”

Her voice came out hesitantly, “N-no, Stephen. Did you?”

“Well, I didn’t mean to, till I knew it was all right. I only heard yesterday.”

“Well, I didn’t mean to, until I found out it was okay. I just heard about it yesterday.”

“Heard what?”

"What did you say?"

“Why, that she’ll have me. Oh, Harriott—do you know what it’s like to be terribly happy?”

“Why, that she’ll have me. Oh, Harriott—do you know what it’s like to be incredibly happy?”

She knew. She had known just now, the moment before he told her. She sat there, stone-cold and stiff, listening to his raptures; listening to her own voice saying she was glad.

She knew. She had known just before he told her. She sat there, cold and rigid, listening to his excitement; listening to her own voice saying she was glad.

Ten years passed.

A decade passed.


Harriott Leigh sat waiting in the drawing-room of a small house in Maida Vale. She had lived there ever since her father’s death two years before.

Harriott Leigh sat in the drawing room of a small house in Maida Vale, waiting. She had lived there ever since her father's death two years ago.

She was restless. She kept on looking at the clock to see if it was four, the hour that Oscar Wade had appointed. She was not sure that he would come, after she had sent him away yesterday.

She was anxious. She kept glancing at the clock to check if it was four, the time that Oscar Wade had set. She wasn't certain he would show up after she had sent him away yesterday.

She now asked herself, why, when she had sent him away yesterday, she had let him come to-day. Her motives were not altogether clear. If she really meant what she had said then, she oughtn’t to let him come to her again. Never again.

She now wondered why, after sending him away yesterday, she had allowed him to come today. Her reasons weren't entirely clear. If she truly meant what she said then, she shouldn't let him come to her again. Never again.

She had shown him plainly what she meant. She could see herself, sitting very straight in her chair, uplifted by a passionate integrity, while he stood before her, hanging his head, ashamed and beaten; she could feel again the throb in her voice as she kept on saying that she couldn’t, she couldn’t; he must see that she couldn’t; that no, nothing would make her change her mind; she couldn’t forget he had a wife; that he must think of Muriel.

She had made it clear what she meant. She could picture herself, sitting up straight in her chair, filled with passionate conviction, while he stood in front of her, looking down, ashamed and defeated; she could feel the intensity in her voice as she kept insisting that she couldn’t, she couldn’t; he had to understand that she couldn’t; that nothing would sway her; she couldn’t ignore the fact that he had a wife; that he needed to think about Muriel.

To which he had answered savagely: “I needn’t. That’s all over. We only live together for the look of the thing.”

To which he responded harshly: “I don’t have to. That’s all in the past. We’re only living together for appearances.”

And she, serenely, with great dignity: “And for the look of the thing, Oscar, we must leave off seeing each other. Please go.”

And she, calmly and with great dignity, said, “Oscar, for appearances' sake, we need to stop seeing each other. Please leave.”

“Do you mean it?”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes. We must never see each other again.”

“Yes. We can never meet again.”

And he had gone then, ashamed and beaten.

And he had left then, embarrassed and defeated.

She could see him, squaring his broad shoulders to meet the blow. And she was sorry for him. She told herself she had been unnecessarily hard. Why shouldn’t they see each other again, now he understood where they must draw the line? Until yesterday the line had never been very clearly drawn. To-day she meant to ask him to forget what he had said to her. Once it was forgotten, they could go on being friends as if nothing had happened.

She could see him, straightening his broad shoulders to face the impact. And she felt sorry for him. She reminded herself that she had been overly tough. Why shouldn’t they reconnect now that he understood the boundaries? Until yesterday, those boundaries had never been clearly defined. Today, she planned to ask him to forget what he had said to her. Once it was forgotten, they could continue being friends as if nothing had happened.

It was four o’clock. Half-past. Five. She had finished tea and given him up when, between the half-hour and six o’clock, he came.

It was four o’clock. Half-past. Five. She had finished her tea and had given up on him when, between the half-hour and six o’clock, he arrived.

He came as he had come a dozen times, with his measured, deliberate, thoughtful tread, carrying himself well braced, with a sort of held-in arrogance, his great shoulders heaving. He was a man of about forty, broad and tall, lean-flanked and short-necked, his straight, handsome features showing small and even in the big square face and in the flush that swamped it. The close-clipped, reddish-brown moustache bristled forwards from the pushed-out upper lip. His small, flat eyes shone, reddish-brown, eager and animal.

He arrived just as he had a dozen times before, walking with a steady, deliberate pace, holding himself upright with a kind of restrained arrogance, his broad shoulders moving slightly. He was around forty, tall and broad, with a lean waist and a short neck, his straight, attractive features small and even on his large square face, which was flushed. His close-cropped reddish-brown mustache jutted out from his protruding upper lip. His small, flat eyes were bright, reddish-brown, eager, and almost animalistic.

She liked to think of him when he was not there, but always at the first sight of him she felt a slight shock. Physically, he was very far from her admired ideal. So different from George Waring and Stephen Philpotts.

She enjoyed thinking about him when he wasn’t around, but whenever she saw him, it always caught her off guard. Physically, he was nothing like her ideal. He was so different from George Waring and Stephen Philpotts.

He sat down, facing her.

He sat down, facing her.

There was an embarrassed silence, broken by Oscar Wade.

There was an awkward silence, interrupted by Oscar Wade.

“Well, Harriott, you said I could come.” He seemed to be throwing the responsibility on her.

“Well, Harriott, you said I could come.” He seemed to be putting the responsibility on her.

“So I suppose you’ve forgiven me,” he said.

“So I guess you’ve forgiven me,” he said.

“Oh, yes, Oscar, I’ve forgiven you.”

“Oh, yes, Oscar, I’ve forgiven you.”

He said she’d better show it by coming to dine with him somewhere that evening.

He said she'd better prove it by coming out to dinner with him that evening.

She could give no reason to herself for going. She simply went.

She had no explanation for her decision to leave. She just left.

He took her to a restaurant in Soho. Oscar Wade dined well, even extravagantly, giving each dish its importance. She liked his extravagance. He had none of the mean virtues.

He took her to a restaurant in Soho. Oscar Wade ate well, even lavishly, treating each dish with significance. She appreciated his lavishness. He lacked any of the petty qualities.

It was over. His flushed, embarrassed silence told her what he was thinking. But when he had seen her home he left her at her garden gate. He had thought better of it.

It was over. His flushed, embarrassed silence revealed what he was thinking. But after he walked her home, he left her at her garden gate. He had changed his mind.

She was not sure whether she were glad or sorry. She had had her moment of righteous exaltation and she had enjoyed it. But there was no joy in the weeks that followed it. She had given up Oscar Wade because she didn’t want him very much; and now she wanted him furiously, perversely, because she had given him up. Though he had no resemblance to her ideal, she couldn’t live without him.

She wasn't sure if she was happy or regretful. She had experienced her moment of righteous excitement, and she had liked it. But there was no happiness in the weeks that came after. She had let go of Oscar Wade because she didn’t care for him that much; now, she wanted him intensely, even irrationally, because she had let him go. Even though he didn't resemble her ideal, she found she couldn't live without him.

She dined with him again and again, till she knew Schnebler’s Restaurant by heart, the white panelled walls picked out with gold; the white pillars, and the curling gold fronds of their capitals; the Turkey carpets, blue and crimson, soft under her feet; the thick crimson velvet cushions, that clung to her skirts; the glitter of silver and glass on the innumerable white circles of the tables. And the faces of the diners, red, white, pink, brown, grey and sallow, distorted and excited; the curled mouths that twisted as they ate; the convoluted electric bulbs pointing, pointing down at them, under the red, crinkled shades. All shimmering in a thick air that the red light stained as wine stains water.

She kept having dinner with him over and over, until she knew Schnebler's Restaurant by heart—the white-paneled walls accented with gold; the white pillars topped with curling gold fronds; the blue and crimson Turkish carpets, soft beneath her feet; the thick crimson velvet cushions that clung to her skirts; the sparkle of silver and glass on the countless white circles of the tables. And the faces of the diners, red, white, pink, brown, gray, and sickly; contorted and animated; the curled mouths twisting as they ate; the swirling electric bulbs pointing down at them, under the crinkled red shades. All shimmering in a heavy atmosphere that the red light stained like wine stains water.

And Oscar’s face, flushed with his dinner. Always, when he leaned back from the table and brooded in silence she knew what he was thinking. His heavy eyelids would lift; she would find his eyes fixed on hers, wondering, considering.

And Oscar’s face was flushed from dinner. Whenever he leaned back from the table and sat in silence, she knew what he was thinking. His heavy eyelids would lift; she would catch him staring into her eyes, wondering, contemplating.

She knew now what the end would be. She thought of George Waring, and Stephen Philpotts, and of her life, cheated. She hadn’t chosen Oscar, she hadn’t really wanted him; but now he had forced himself on her she couldn’t afford to let him go. Since George died no man had loved her, no other man ever would. And she was sorry for him when she thought of him going from her, beaten and ashamed.

She realized what the outcome would be. She thought about George Waring and Stephen Philpotts, and how her life had been wasted. She hadn’t chosen Oscar; she hadn’t actually wanted him. But now that he had imposed himself on her, she couldn’t let him go. Since George died, no man had loved her, and no other man ever would. She felt sorry for him when she imagined him leaving her, defeated and humiliated.

She was certain, before he was, of the end. Only she didn’t know when and where and how it would come. That was what Oscar knew.

She was sure, even before he was, that it was over. The only thing she didn’t know was when, where, and how it would happen. That was what Oscar understood.

It came at the close of one of their evenings when they had dined in a private sitting-room. He said he couldn’t stand the heat and noise of the public restaurant.

It happened at the end of one of their evenings when they had eaten in a private sitting room. He said he couldn’t handle the heat and noise of the public restaurant.

She went before him, up a steep, red-carpeted stair to a white door on the second landing.

She walked ahead of him, up a steep staircase covered in red carpet to a white door on the second floor.

From time to time they repeated the furtive, hidden adventure. Sometimes she met him in the room above Schnebler’s. Sometimes, when her maid was out, she received him at her house in Maida Vale. But that was dangerous, not to be risked too often.

From time to time, they would sneak off for their secret adventure. Sometimes she would meet him in the room above Schnebler’s. Other times, when her maid was out, she would let him into her house in Maida Vale. But that was risky and shouldn’t be done too often.

Oscar declared himself unspeakably happy. Harriott was not quite sure. This was love, the thing she had never had, that she had dreamed of, hungered and thirsted for; but now she had it she was not satisfied. Always she looked for something just beyond it, some mystic, heavenly rapture, always beginning to come, that never came. There was something about Oscar that repelled her. But because she had taken him for her lover, she couldn’t bring herself to admit that it was a certain coarseness. She looked another way and pretended it wasn’t there. To justify herself, she fixed her mind on his good qualities, his generosity, his strength, the way he had built up his engineering business. She made him take her over his works and show her his great dynamos. She made him lend her the books he read. But always, when she tried to talk to him, he let her see that that wasn’t what she was there for.

Oscar declared himself incredibly happy. Harriott wasn't so sure. This was love, the thing she had never experienced, that she had dreamed of, longed for; but now that she had it, she wasn't satisfied. She was always searching for something just beyond it, some mystical, heavenly joy that was always starting to arrive but never did. There was something about Oscar that turned her off. But because she had chosen him as her lover, she couldn't admit it was a certain coarseness. She looked away and pretended it wasn’t there. To justify herself, she focused on his good qualities: his generosity, his strength, the way he had built up his engineering business. She made him take her around his works and show her his great dynamos. She made him lend her the books he read. But whenever she tried to talk to him, he made it clear that that wasn't why she was there.

“My dear girl, we haven’t time,” he said. “It’s waste of our priceless moments.”

“My dear girl, we don’t have time,” he said. “It’s a waste of our precious moments.”

She persisted. “There’s something wrong about it all if we can’t talk to each other.”

She kept going. “Something's off if we can't communicate with each other.”

He was irritated. “Women never seem to consider that a man can get all the talk he wants from other men. What’s wrong is our meeting in this unsatisfactory way. We ought to live together. It’s the only sane thing. I would, only I don’t want to break up Muriel’s home and make her miserable.”

He was annoyed. “Women never seem to realize that a guy can talk all he wants with other guys. The real issue is how we’re meeting in such an unsatisfying way. We should just live together. It’s the only sensible option. I would, but I don’t want to disrupt Muriel’s home and make her unhappy.”

“I thought you said she wouldn’t care.”

"I thought you said she wouldn't care."

“My dear, she cares for her home and her position and the children. You forget the children.”

“My dear, she takes care of her home, her role, and the kids. You’re forgetting about the kids.”

Yes. She had forgotten the children. She had forgotten Muriel. She had left off thinking of Oscar as a man with a wife and children and a home.

Yes. She had forgotten the kids. She had forgotten Muriel. She had stopped thinking of Oscar as a guy with a wife, kids, and a home.

He had a plan. His mother-in-law was coming to stay with Muriel in October and he would get away. He would go to Paris, and Harriott should come to him there. He could say he went on business. No need to lie about it; he had business in Paris.

He had a plan. His mother-in-law was coming to stay with Muriel in October, and he would escape. He would go to Paris, and Harriott should join him there. He could say he went for work. No need to lie about it; he had work in Paris.

He engaged rooms in an hotel in the rue de Rivoli. They spent two weeks there.

He booked rooms at a hotel on Rue de Rivoli. They stayed there for two weeks.

For three days Oscar was madly in love with Harriott and Harriott with him. As she lay awake she would turn on the light and look at him as he slept at her side. Sleep made him beautiful and innocent; it laid a fine, smooth tissue over his coarseness; it made his mouth gentle; it entirely hid his eyes.

For three days, Oscar was head over heels for Harriott, and Harriott felt the same way about him. As she lay awake, she would turn on the light to watch him sleeping beside her. In his sleep, he looked beautiful and pure; it smoothed over his rough edges, softened his mouth, and completely concealed his eyes.

In six days reaction had set in. At the end of the tenth day, Harriott, returning with Oscar from Montmartre, burst into a fit of crying. When questioned, she answered wildly that the Hotel Saint Pierre was too hideously ugly; it was getting on her nerves. Mercifully Oscar explained her state as fatigue following excitement. She tried hard to believe that she was miserable because her love was purer and more spiritual than Oscar’s; but all the time she knew perfectly well she had cried from pure boredom. She was in love with Oscar, and Oscar bored her. Oscar was in love with her, and she bored him. At close quarters, day in and day out, each was revealed to the other as an incredible bore.

In six days, the reaction kicked in. By the end of the tenth day, Harriott, returning with Oscar from Montmartre, suddenly burst into tears. When asked what was wrong, she responded frantically that the Hotel Saint Pierre was just too hideously ugly; it was driving her crazy. Luckily, Oscar interpreted her distress as just fatigue from all the excitement. She tried hard to convince herself that she was unhappy because her love was deeper and more spiritual than Oscar’s, but deep down she knew she was crying out of sheer boredom. She was in love with Oscar, and he bored her. Oscar loved her, and she bored him. Up close, day in and day out, they both revealed to each other how incredibly dull they found one another.

At the end of the second week she began to doubt whether she had ever been really in love with him.

At the end of the second week, she started to question whether she had ever truly been in love with him.


Her passion returned for a little while after they got back to London. Freed from the unnatural strain which Paris had put on them, they persuaded themselves that their romantic temperaments were better fitted to the old life of casual adventure.

Her passion came back for a bit after they returned to London. Free from the unnatural pressure that Paris had put on them, they convinced themselves that their romantic natures were more suited to the old life of spontaneous adventure.

Then, gradually, the sense of danger began to wake in them. They lived in perpetual fear, face to face with all the chances of discovery. They tormented themselves and each other by imagining possibilities that they would never have considered in their first fine moments. It was as though they were beginning to ask themselves if it were, after all, worth while running such awful risks, for all they got out of it. Oscar still swore that if he had been free he would have married her. He pointed out that his intentions at any rate were regular. But she asked herself: Would I marry him? Marriage would be the Hotel Saint Pierre all over again, without any possibility of escape. But, if she wouldn’t marry him, was she in love with him? That was the test. Perhaps it was a good thing he wasn’t free. Then she told herself that these doubts were morbid, and that the question wouldn’t arise.

Then, gradually, the feeling of danger started to awaken in them. They lived in constant fear, constantly facing the chance of being discovered. They tortured themselves and each other by imagining scenarios they would never have thought about in their initial blissful moments. It was as if they were beginning to wonder if it was really worth taking such terrible risks for what they were gaining from it. Oscar still insisted that if he were free, he would have married her. He pointed out that at least his intentions were legitimate. But she questioned herself: Would I marry him? Marriage would just be the Hotel Saint Pierre all over again, with no way out. But if she wouldn’t marry him, did that mean she was in love with him? That was the real question. Maybe it was for the best that he wasn’t free. Then she reminded herself that these doubts were unhealthy, and that the question wouldn’t even come up.

One evening Oscar called to see her. He had come to tell her that Muriel was ill.

One evening, Oscar called to visit her. He had come to let her know that Muriel was sick.

“Seriously ill?”

"Really sick?"

“I’m afraid so. It’s pleurisy. May turn to pneumonia. We shall know one way or another in the next few days.”

“I’m afraid so. It’s pleurisy. It could turn into pneumonia. We’ll find out one way or another in the next few days.”

A terrible fear seized upon Harriott. Muriel might die of her pleurisy; and if Muriel died, she would have to marry Oscar. He was looking at her queerly, as if he knew what she was thinking, and she could see that the same thought had occurred to him and that he was frightened too.

A terrible fear gripped Harriott. Muriel might die from her pleurisy; and if Muriel died, she would have to marry Oscar. He was looking at her strangely, as if he knew what she was thinking, and she could tell that the same thought had crossed his mind and that he was scared too.

Muriel got well again; but their danger had enlightened them. Muriel’s life was now inconceivably precious to them both; she stood between them and that permanent union, which they dreaded and yet would not have the courage to refuse.

Muriel recovered; however, their danger had opened their eyes. Muriel's life was now incredibly valuable to both of them; she was the barrier between them and that lasting commitment, which they feared but also didn’t have the courage to turn down.

After enlightenment the rupture.

After enlightenment, the break.

It came from Oscar, one evening when he sat with her in her drawing-room.

It came from Oscar one evening when he was sitting with her in her living room.

“Harriott,” he said, “do you know I’m thinking seriously of settling down?”

“Harriott,” he said, “do you know I’m seriously thinking about settling down?”

“How do you mean, settling down?”

“How do you mean, settling down?”

“Patching it up with Muriel, poor girl.... Has it never occurred to you that this little affair of ours can’t go on for ever?”

“Making amends with Muriel, poor girl.... Have you never thought that this little situation of ours can’t last forever?”

“You don’t want it to go on?”

“You don’t want it to continue?”

“I don’t want to have any humbug about it. For God’s sake, let’s be straight. If it’s done, it’s done. Let’s end it decently.”

“I don’t want any nonsense about this. For heaven’s sake, let’s be honest. If it’s over, it’s over. Let’s wrap it up respectfully.”

“I see. You want to get rid of me.”

“I get it. You want me gone.”

“That’s a beastly way of putting it.”

"That’s a harsh way to say it."

“Is there any way that isn’t beastly? The whole thing’s beastly. I should have thought you’d have stuck to it now you’ve made it what you wanted. When I haven’t an ideal, I haven’t a single illusion, when you’ve destroyed everything you didn’t want.”

“Is there any way that isn’t brutal? The whole thing is brutal. I thought you would have stuck with it now that you’ve made it what you wanted. When I don’t have an ideal, I don’t have a single illusion, since you’ve destroyed everything you didn’t want.”

“What didn’t I want?”

“What did I not want?”

“The clean, beautiful part of it. The part I wanted.”

“The clean, beautiful part of it. The part I wanted.”

“My part at least was real. It was cleaner and more beautiful than all that putrid stuff you wrapped it up in. You were a hypocrite, Harriott, and I wasn’t. You’re a hypocrite now if you say you weren’t happy with me.”

“My part at least was real. It was cleaner and more beautiful than all that disgusting stuff you wrapped it up in. You were a hypocrite, Harriott, and I wasn’t. You’re a hypocrite now if you say you weren’t happy with me.”

“I was never really happy. Never for one moment. There was always something I missed. Something you didn’t give me. Perhaps you couldn’t.”

“I was never truly happy. Not for a single moment. There was always something I felt was missing. Something you didn’t provide me. Maybe you just couldn’t.”

“No. I wasn’t spiritual enough,” he sneered.

“No. I wasn’t spiritual enough,” he scoffed.

“You were not. And you made me what you were.”

“You weren't. And you turned me into what you were.”

“Oh, I noticed that you were always very spiritual after you’d got what you wanted.”

“Oh, I noticed that you were always very spiritual after you got what you wanted.”

“What I wanted?” she cried. “Oh, my God—”

“What do I want?” she cried. “Oh, my God—”

“If you ever knew what you wanted.”

“If you ever knew what you wanted.”

“What—I—wanted,” she repeated, drawing out her bitterness.

“What I wanted,” she repeated, emphasizing her bitterness.

“Come,” he said, “why not be honest? Face facts. I was awfully gone on you. You were awfully gone on me—once. We got tired of each other and it’s over. But at least you might own we had a good time while it lasted.”

“Come on,” he said, “why not be honest? Let’s be real. I was really into you. You were really into me—once. We got tired of each other and it’s done. But at least you might admit we had a good time while it lasted.”

“A good time?”

"Having a good time?"

“Good enough for me.”

"Works for me."

“For you, because for you love only means one thing. Everything that’s high and noble in it you dragged down to that, till there’s nothing left for us but that. That’s what you made of love.”

“For you, because love for you only means one thing. Everything that's meaningful and noble in it, you brought down to that, until there's nothing left for us but that. That's what you made of love.”

Twenty years passed.

Twenty years went by.


It was Oscar who died first, three years after the rupture. He did it suddenly one evening, falling down in a fit of apoplexy.

It was Oscar who died first, three years after the breakup. He did it suddenly one evening, collapsing in a fit of stroke.

His death was an immense relief to Harriott. Perfect security had been impossible as long as he was alive. But now there wasn’t a living soul who knew her secret.

His death was a huge relief to Harriott. Perfect security had been impossible as long as he was alive. But now there wasn’t a single person who knew her secret.

Still, in the first moment of shock Harriott told herself that Oscar dead would be nearer to her than ever. She forgot how little she had wanted him to be near her, alive. And long before the twenty years had passed she had contrived to persuade herself that he had never been near to her at all. It was incredible that she had ever known such a person as Oscar Wade. As for their affair, she couldn’t think of Harriott Leigh as the sort of woman to whom such a thing could happen. Schnebler’s and the Hotel Saint Pierre ceased to figure among prominent images of her past. Her memories, if she had allowed herself to remember, would have clashed disagreeably with the reputation for sanctity which she had now acquired.

Still, in that initial moment of shock, Harriott told herself that Oscar being dead would mean he was closer to her than ever. She forgot how little she had wanted him near her while he was alive. And long before the twenty years had passed, she managed to convince herself that he had never been close to her at all. It was hard to believe she had ever known someone like Oscar Wade. As for their affair, she couldn't picture Harriott Leigh as the kind of woman to whom something like that could happen. Schnebler's and the Hotel Saint Pierre no longer stood out in her memories. Her recollections, had she allowed herself to remember, would have clashed uncomfortably with the image of purity she had now developed.

For Harriott at fifty-two was the friend and helper of the Reverend Clement Farmer, Vicar of St. Mary the Virgin’s, Maida Vale. She worked as a deaconess in his parish, wearing the uniform of a deaconess, the semi-religious gown, the cloak, the bonnet and veil, the cross and rosary, the holy smile. She was also secretary to the Maida Vale and Kilburn Home for Fallen Girls.

For Harriott, at fifty-two, was the friend and helper of the Reverend Clement Farmer, Vicar of St. Mary the Virgin’s, Maida Vale. She worked as a deaconess in his parish, wearing the deaconess uniform: a semi-religious gown, cloak, bonnet and veil, cross, and rosary, along with her holy smile. She also served as the secretary for the Maida Vale and Kilburn Home for Fallen Girls.

Her moments of excitement came when Clement Farmer, the lean, austere likeness of Stephen Philpotts, in his cassock and lace-bordered surplice, issued from the vestry, when he mounted the pulpit, when he stood before the altar rails and lifted up his arms in the Benediction; her moments of ecstasy when she received the Sacrament from his hands. And she had moments of calm happiness when his study door closed on their communion. All these moments were saturated with a solemn holiness.

Her moments of excitement came when Clement Farmer, the lean, serious-looking version of Stephen Philpotts, in his cassock and lace-trimmed surplice, came out of the vestry, when he climbed into the pulpit, when he stood before the altar rails and lifted his arms for the Benediction; her moments of ecstasy when she received the Sacrament from his hands. And she had moments of peaceful happiness when his study door closed after their time together. All these moments were filled with a deep sense of holiness.

And they were insignificant compared with the moment of her dying.

And they seemed unimportant compared to the moment of her dying.

She lay dozing in her white bed under the black crucifix with the ivory Christ. The basins and medicine bottles had been cleared from the table by her pillow; it was spread for the last rites. The priest moved quietly about the room, arranging the candles, the Prayer Book and the Holy Sacrament. Then he drew a chair to her bedside and watched with her, waiting for her to come up out of her doze.

She lay dozing in her white bed under the black crucifix with the ivory Jesus. The basins and medicine bottles had been cleared from the table by her pillow; it was set up for the last rites. The priest moved quietly around the room, arranging the candles, the Prayer Book, and the Holy Sacrament. Then he pulled a chair to her bedside and waited with her, watching for her to wake up from her doze.

She woke suddenly. Her eyes were fixed upon him. She had a flash of lucidity. She was dying, and her dying made her supremely important to Clement Farmer.

She suddenly woke up. Her eyes were locked on him. In that moment, she felt a burst of clarity. She was dying, and her death made her incredibly important to Clement Farmer.

“Are you ready?” he asked.

“Are you ready?” he asked.

“Not yet. I think I’m afraid. Make me not afraid.”

“Not yet. I think I’m scared. Help me not be scared.”

He rose and lit the two candles on the altar. He took down the crucifix from the wall and stood it against the foot-rail of the bed.

He got up and lit the two candles on the altar. He took the crucifix down from the wall and placed it against the foot of the bed.

She sighed. That was not what she had wanted.

She sighed. That wasn't what she had wanted.

“You will not be afraid now,” he said.

“You're not going to be scared now,” he said.

“I’m not afraid of the hereafter. I suppose you get used to it. Only it may be terrible just at first.”

“I’m not scared of what comes after. I guess you get used to it. It might just be really intense at the beginning.”

“Our first state will depend very much on what we are thinking of at our last hour.”

“Our first state will rely heavily on what we’re thinking about in our final moments.”

“There’ll be my—confession,” she said.

“There’ll be my confession,” she said.

“And after it you will receive the Sacrament. Then you will have your mind fixed firmly upon God and your Redeemer.... Do you feel able to make your confession now, Sister? Everything is ready.”

“And after that, you will receive the Sacrament. Then you will have your mind set firmly on God and your Redeemer.... Do you feel ready to make your confession now, Sister? Everything is prepared.”

Her mind went back over her past and found Oscar Wade there. She wondered: Should she confess to him about Oscar Wade? One moment she thought it was possible; the next she knew that she couldn’t. She could not. It wasn’t necessary. For twenty years he had not been part of her life. No. She wouldn’t confess about Oscar Wade. She had been guilty of other sins.

Her mind drifted back through her past and found Oscar Wade. She wondered: Should she tell him about Oscar Wade? One minute she thought it was a possibility; the next she realized she couldn’t. She just couldn’t. It wasn’t needed. For twenty years, he hadn’t been part of her life. No. She wouldn’t reveal anything about Oscar Wade. She had committed other wrongs.

She made a careful selection.

She chose carefully.

“I have cared too much for the beauty of this world.... I have failed in charity to my poor girls. Because of my intense repugnance to their sin.... I have thought, often, about—people I love, when I should have been thinking about God.”

“I've cared too much about the beauty of this world.... I have failed to show kindness to my poor girls. Because of my strong dislike for their sin.... I've often thought about people I love when I should have been focusing on God.”

After that she received the Sacrament.

After that, she received the Sacrament.

“Now,” he said, “there is nothing to be afraid of.”

“Now,” he said, “there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“I won’t be afraid if—if you would hold my hand.”

“I won’t be scared if you hold my hand.”

He held it. And she lay still a long time, with her eyes shut. Then he heard her murmuring something. He stooped close.

He held it. And she lay still for a long time, her eyes closed. Then he heard her mumbling something. He leaned in closer.

“This—is—dying. I thought it would be horrible. And it’s bliss.... Bliss.”

“This is dying. I thought it would be horrible. And it’s bliss... Bliss.”

The priest’s hand slackened, as if at the bidding of some wonder. She gave a weak cry.

The priest's hand relaxed, as if responding to some kind of magic. She let out a faint cry.

“Oh—don’t let me go.”

“Oh—don’t let me leave.”

His grasp tightened.

His grip tightened.

“Try,” he said, “to think about God. Keep on looking at the crucifix.”

“Try,” he said, “to think about God. Keep looking at the crucifix.”

“If I look,” she whispered, “you won’t let go my hand?”

“If I look,” she whispered, “you won’t let go of my hand?”

“I will not let you go.”

"I won't let you leave."

He held it till it was wrenched from him in the last agony.

He held onto it until it was ripped away from him in his final moments of suffering.


She lingered for some hours in the room where these things had happened.

She stayed in the room where these things had happened for a few hours.

Its aspect was familiar and yet unfamiliar, and slightly repugnant to her. The altar, the crucifix, the lighted candles, suggested some tremendous and awful experience the details of which she was not able to recall. She seemed to remember that they had been connected in some way with the sheeted body on the bed; but the nature of the connection was not clear; and she did not associate the dead body with herself. When the nurse came in and laid it out, she saw that it was the body of a middle-aged woman. Her own living body was that of a young woman of about thirty-two.

Its appearance was both familiar and strange, and a bit unsettling to her. The altar, the crucifix, the lit candles, hinted at some intense and terrifying experience she couldn't quite remember. She thought she recalled that they were somehow related to the covered body on the bed, but the exact connection was unclear; she didn't link the dead body to herself. When the nurse entered and laid it out, she realized it was the body of a middle-aged woman. Her own living body was that of a young woman around thirty-two.

Her mind had no past and no future, no sharp-edged, coherent memories, and no idea of anything to be done next.

Her mind had no past and no future, no clear, solid memories, and no sense of what to do next.

Then, suddenly, the room began to come apart before her eyes, to split into shafts of floor and furniture and ceiling that shifted and were thrown by their commotion into different planes. They leaned slanting at every possible angle; they crossed and overlaid each other with a transparent mingling of dislocated perspectives, like reflections fallen on an interior seen behind glass.

Then, suddenly, the room started to break apart before her eyes, splitting into beams of floor, furniture, and ceiling that shifted and were thrown into different planes by their chaos. They leaned at every possible angle; they crossed and overlaid each other with a transparent blend of dislocated perspectives, like reflections cast on an interior seen through glass.

The bed and the sheeted body slid away somewhere out of sight. She was standing by the door that still remained in position.

The bed and the covered body moved out of view. She was standing by the door that was still in place.

She opened it and found herself in the street, outside a building of yellowish-grey brick and freestone, with a tall slated spire. Her mind came together with a palpable click of recognition. This object was the Church of St. Mary the Virgin, Maida Vale. She could hear the droning of the organ. She opened the door and slipped in.

She opened it and found herself on the street, outside a building made of yellowish-grey brick and freestone, featuring a tall slate spire. Her mind clicked into place with a moment of recognition. This was the Church of St. Mary the Virgin, Maida Vale. She could hear the organ droning. She opened the door and slipped inside.

Then, suddenly the room began to come apart ...

Then, suddenly the room started to fall apart ...

She had gone back into a definite space and time, and recovered a certain limited section of coherent memory. She remembered the rows of pitch-pine benches, with their Gothic peaks and mouldings; the stone-coloured walls and pillars with their chocolate stencilling; the hanging rings of lights along the aisles of the nave; the high altar with its lighted candles, and the polished brass cross, twinkling. These things were somehow permanent and real, adjusted to the image that now took possession of her.

She had returned to a specific time and place and regained a certain limited area of clear memory. She recalled the rows of pitch-pine benches with their Gothic peaks and details; the stone-colored walls and pillars adorned with chocolate stenciling; the hanging light fixtures lining the aisles of the nave; the high altar with its lit candles and the shining polished brass cross, sparkling. These elements felt somehow permanent and real, aligning perfectly with the image that now filled her mind.

She knew what she had come there for. The service was over. The choir had gone from the chancel; the sacristan moved before the altar, putting out the candles. She walked up the middle aisle to a seat that she knew under the pulpit. She knelt down and covered her face with her hands. Peeping sideways through her fingers, she could see the door of the vestry on her left at the end of the north aisle. She watched it steadily.

She knew why she was there. The service had ended. The choir had left the chancel; the sacristan was in front of the altar, extinguishing the candles. She walked up the center aisle to a seat she recognized under the pulpit. She knelt down and covered her face with her hands. Glancing sideways through her fingers, she could see the door to the vestry on her left at the end of the north aisle. She watched it intently.

Up in the organ loft the organist drew out the Recessional, slowly and softly, to its end in the two solemn, vibrating chords.

Up in the organ loft, the organist played the Recessional, slowly and softly, bringing it to a close with two solemn, resonating chords.

The vestry door opened and Clement Farmer came out, dressed in his black cassock. He passed before her, close, close outside the bench where she knelt. He paused at the opening. He was waiting for her. There was something he had to say.

The vestry door swung open, and Clement Farmer stepped out, wearing his black cassock. He walked past her, just outside the bench where she was kneeling. He stopped at the entrance, waiting for her. There was something he needed to say.

She stood up and went towards him. He still waited. He didn’t move to make way for her. She came close, closer than she had ever come to him, so close that his features grew indistinct. She bent her head back, peering, short-sightedly, and found herself looking into Oscar Wade’s face.

She stood up and walked toward him. He still waited. He didn’t move to make room for her. She got close, closer than she had ever been to him, so close that his features became blurry. She tilted her head back, squinting, and realized she was looking into Oscar Wade’s face.

He stood still, horribly still, and close, barring her passage.

He stood there, completely still, and so close, blocking her way.

She drew back; his heaving shoulders followed her. He leaned forward, covering her with his eyes. She opened her mouth to scream and no sound came.

She pulled back; his heavy shoulders moved with her. He leaned in, locking his gaze on her. She opened her mouth to scream, but no sound came out.

She was afraid to move lest he should move with her. The heaving of his shoulders terrified her.

She was scared to move in case he moved with her. The rising and falling of his shoulders freaked her out.

One by one the lights in the side aisles were going out. The lights in the middle aisle would go next. They had gone. If she didn’t get away she would be shut up with him there, in the appalling darkness.

One by one, the lights in the side aisles were turning off. The lights in the middle aisle would be next. They were out too. If she didn’t escape, she would be trapped with him there, in the terrible darkness.

She turned and moved towards the north aisle, groping, steadying herself by the book ledge.

She turned and walked toward the north aisle, feeling her way and steadying herself by the book ledge.

When she looked back, Oscar Wade was not there.

When she turned around, Oscar Wade was gone.

Then she remembered that Oscar Wade was dead. Therefore, what she had seen was not Oscar; it was his ghost. He was dead; dead seventeen years ago. She was safe from him for ever.

Then she remembered that Oscar Wade was dead. So, what she had seen wasn’t Oscar; it was his ghost. He had died seventeen years ago. She was safe from him forever.


When she came out on to the steps of the church she saw that the road it stood in had changed. It was not the road she remembered. The pavement on this side was raised slightly and covered in. It ran under a succession of arches. It was a long gallery walled with glittering shop windows on one side; on the other a line of tall grey columns divided it from the street.

When she stepped out onto the church steps, she noticed that the road it stood on had changed. It wasn't the road she remembered. The pavement on this side was slightly raised and covered in. It ran under a series of arches. It was a long walkway lined with sparkling shop windows on one side; on the other, a row of tall grey columns separated it from the street.

She was going along the arcades of the rue de Rivoli. Ahead of her she could see the edge of an immense grey pillar jutting out. That was the porch of the Hotel Saint Pierre. The revolving glass doors swung forward to receive her; she crossed the grey, sultry vestibule under the pillared arches. She knew it. She knew the porter’s shining, wine-coloured mahogany pen on her left, and the shining wine-coloured mahogany barrier of the clerk’s bureau on her right; she made straight for the great grey carpeted staircase; she climbed the endless flights that turned round and round the caged-in shaft of the well, past the latticed doors of the lift, and came up on to a landing that she knew, and into the long, ash-grey, foreign corridor lit by a dull window at one end.

She was walking through the arcades of the rue de Rivoli. Ahead of her, she spotted the edge of a huge grey pillar sticking out. That was the entrance of the Hotel Saint Pierre. The revolving glass doors swung open to welcome her; she passed through the grey, humid lobby beneath the pillared arches. She recognized it. She knew the porter’s shiny, burgundy mahogany desk on her left, and the shiny burgundy mahogany counter of the reception desk on her right; she headed straight for the grand grey carpeted staircase; she climbed the endless flights that spiraled around the enclosed shaft of the well, passing by the latticed doors of the elevator, and arrived at a landing she recognized, stepping into the long, ash-grey, foreign corridor lit by a dim window at one end.

It was there that the horror of the place came on her. She had no longer any memory of St. Mary’s Church, so that she was unaware of her backward course through time. All space and time were here.

It was there that the nightmare of the place hit her. She no longer remembered St. Mary’s Church, so she was unaware of her journey back through time. Everything—space and time—was here.

She remembered she had to go to the left, the left. But there was something there; where the corridor turned by the window; at the end of all the corridors. If she went the other way she would escape it.

She remembered she had to go to the left, the left. But there was something there; where the hallway turned by the window; at the end of all the hallways. If she went the other way, she could avoid it.

The corridor stopped there. A blank wall. She was driven back past the stairhead to the left.

The hallway ended there. A blank wall. She was pushed back past the stairs to the left.

At the corner, by the window, she turned down another long ash-grey corridor on her right, and to the right again where the night-light sputtered on the table-flap at the turn.

At the corner, by the window, she took another long ash-grey corridor on her right, and to the right again where the night-light flickered on the table-flap at the bend.

This third corridor was dark and secret and depraved. She knew the soiled walls and the warped door at the end. There was a sharp-pointed streak of light at the top. She could see the number on it now, 107.

This third corridor was dark, hidden, and corrupt. She recognized the dirty walls and the twisted door at the end. A sharp beam of light peeked in from the top. She could now see the number on it, 107.

Something had happened there. If she went in it would happen again.

Something had happened there. If she went in, it would happen again.

Oscar Wade was in the room waiting for her behind the closed door. She felt him moving about in there. She leaned forward, her ear to the key hole, and listened. She could hear the measured, deliberate, thoughtful footsteps. They were coming from the bed to the door.

Oscar Wade was in the room waiting for her behind the closed door. She felt him moving around in there. She leaned forward, her ear to the keyhole, and listened. She could hear his steady, purposeful, thoughtful footsteps. They were moving from the bed to the door.

She turned and ran; her knees gave way under her; she sank and ran on, down the long grey corridors and the stairs, quick and blind, a hunted beast seeking for cover, hearing his feet coming after her.

She turned and ran; her knees buckled; she collapsed and pushed on, down the long gray hallways and the stairs, fast and without sight, like a hunted animal looking for shelter, hearing his footsteps chasing after her.

The revolving doors caught her and pushed her out into the street.

The revolving doors swung open and pushed her out onto the street.


The strange quality of her state was this, that it had no time. She remembered dimly that there had once been a thing called time; but she had forgotten altogether what it was like. She was aware of things happening and about to happen; she fixed them by the place they occupied, and measured their duration by the space she went through.

The weird thing about her state was that it felt timeless. She vaguely recalled there being something called time once, but she had completely forgotten what it felt like. She was conscious of events happening and about to take place; she identified them by their locations and gauged their length by the distance she traveled.

So now she thought: If I could only go back and get to the place where it hadn’t happened.

So now she thought: If I could just go back and get to the point where it hadn’t happened.

To get back farther—

To go further back—

She was walking now on a white road that went between broad grass borders. To the right and left were the long raking lines of the hills, curve after curve, shimmering in a thin mist.

She was walking now on a white road that ran between wide stretches of grass. On both sides, the hills created long, sweeping lines, curving one after another, shimmering in a light mist.

The road dropped to the green valley. It mounted the humped bridge over the river. Beyond it she saw the twin gables of the grey house pricked up over the high, grey garden wall. The tall iron gate stood in front of it between the ball-topped stone pillars.

The road descended into the green valley. It climbed the humped bridge over the river. Beyond it, she saw the twin gables of the gray house rising above the tall, gray garden wall. The tall iron gate stood in front of it between the stone pillars topped with balls.

And now she was in a large, low-ceilinged room with drawn blinds. She was standing before the wide double bed. It was her father’s bed. The dead body, stretched out in the middle under the drawn white sheet, was her father’s body.

And now she was in a big room with a low ceiling and closed blinds. She was standing in front of the wide double bed. It was her father's bed. The dead body lying in the middle under the white sheet was her father's body.

The outline of the sheet sank from the peak of the upturned toes to the shin bone, and from the high bridge of the nose to the chin.

The outline of the sheet dipped from the tips of the pointed toes to the shin bone, and from the high bridge of the nose down to the chin.

She lifted the sheet and folded it back across the breast of the dead man. The face she saw then was Oscar Wade’s face, stilled and smoothed in the innocence of sleep, the supreme innocence of death. She stared at it, fascinated, in a cold, pitiless joy.

She lifted the sheet and folded it back over the chest of the dead man. The face she saw was Oscar Wade’s face, calm and relaxed in the peacefulness of sleep, the ultimate peace of death. She gazed at it, intrigued, with a cold, ruthless joy.

Oscar was dead.

Oscar's dead.

She remembered how he used to lie like that beside her in the room in the Hotel Saint Pierre, on his back with his hands folded on his waist, his mouth half open, his big chest rising and falling. If he was dead, it would never happen again. She would be safe.

She remembered how he used to lie like that next to her in the room at the Hotel Saint Pierre, on his back with his hands folded on his waist, his mouth slightly open, his large chest rising and falling. If he was dead, it would never happen again. She would be safe.

The dead face frightened her, and she was about to cover it up again when she was aware of a light heaving, a rhythmical rise and fall. As she drew the sheet up tighter, the hands under it began to struggle convulsively, the broad ends of the fingers appeared above the edge, clutching it to keep it down. The mouth opened; the eyes opened; the whole face stared back at her in a look of agony and horror.

The lifeless face scared her, and she was about to cover it up again when she noticed a faint heaving, a steady rise and fall. As she pulled the sheet tighter, the hands underneath began to move in frantic struggles, the broad tips of the fingers appearing above the edge, gripping it to hold it down. The mouth opened; the eyes opened; the entire face stared back at her with an expression of pain and terror.

Then the body drew itself forwards from the hips and sat up, its eyes peering into her eyes; he and she remained for an instant motionless, each held there by the other’s fear.

Then the body leaned forward from the hips and sat up, its eyes staring into hers; he and she stayed frozen for a moment, held there by each other’s fear.

... each held there by the other’s fear

... each held there by the other’s fear

Suddenly she broke away, turned and ran, out of the room, out of the house.

Suddenly, she pulled away, turned, and ran out of the room, out of the house.

She stood at the gate, looking up and down the road, not knowing by which way she must go to escape Oscar. To the right, over the bridge and up the hill and across the downs she would come to the arcades of the rue de Rivoli and the dreadful grey corridors of the hotel. To the left the road went through the village.

She stood at the gate, looking up and down the road, unsure which way to go to escape Oscar. To the right, over the bridge and up the hill and across the downs, she would reach the arcades of rue de Rivoli and the awful grey hallways of the hotel. To the left, the road passed through the village.

If she could get further back she would be safe, out of Oscar’s reach. Standing by her father’s death-bed she had been young, but not young enough. She must get back to the place where she was younger still, to the Park and the green drive under the beech trees and the white pavilion at the cross. She knew how to find it. At the end of the village the high road ran right and left, east and west, under the Park walls; the south gate stood there at the top, looking down the narrow street.

If she could go further back, she'd be safe, out of Oscar’s reach. Standing by her father’s deathbed, she had been young, but not young enough. She needed to get back to the time when she was even younger, to the Park, the green path beneath the beech trees, and the white pavilion at the crossroads. She knew how to find it. At the end of the village, the main road forked left and right, east and west, along the Park walls; the south gate was up there at the top, overlooking the narrow street.

She ran towards it through the village, past the long grey barns of Goodyer’s farm, past the grocer’s shop, past the yellow front and blue sign of the “Queen’s Head,” past the post office, with its one black window blinking under its vine, past the church and the yew-trees in the churchyard, to where the south gate made a delicate black pattern on the green grass.

She ran toward it through the village, past the long gray barns of Goodyer's farm, past the grocery store, past the yellow front and blue sign of the "Queen's Head," past the post office with its one black window blinking under the vine, past the church and the yew trees in the churchyard, to where the south gate made a delicate black pattern on the green grass.

These things appeared insubstantial, drawn back behind a sheet of air that shimmered over them like thin glass. They opened out, floated past and away from her; and instead of the high road and park walls she saw a London street of dingy white facades, and instead of the south gate the swinging glass doors of Schnebler’s Restaurant.

These things seemed intangible, pulled back by a layer of air that shimmered over them like thin glass. They expanded, floated by, and moved away from her; instead of the main road and park boundaries, she saw a London street with dull white buildings, and instead of the south gate, the swinging glass doors of Schnebler’s Restaurant.


The glass doors swung open and she passed into the restaurant. The scene beat on her with the hard impact of reality: the white and gold panels, the white pillars and their curling gold capitals, the white circles of the tables, glittering, the flushed faces of the diners, moving mechanically.

The glass doors swung open and she walked into the restaurant. The scene hit her with the harsh reality of it all: the white and gold panels, the white pillars with their curling gold tops, the shiny white tables, and the flushed faces of the diners, moving in a robotic way.

She was driven forward by some irresistible compulsion to a table in the corner, where a man sat alone. The table napkin he was using hid his mouth, and jaw, and chest; and she was not sure of the upper part of the face above the straight, drawn edge. It dropped; and she saw Oscar Wade’s face. She came to him, dragged, without power to resist; she sat down beside him, and he leaned to her over the table; she could feel the warmth of his red, congested face; the smell of wine floated towards her on his thick whisper.

She felt an irresistible urge to go to a table in the corner where a man sat by himself. The napkin he was using covered his mouth, jaw, and chest, and she wasn't sure about the top part of his face above the straight, pressed edge. It fell away, and she saw Oscar Wade’s face. She approached him, pulled in without any ability to resist; she sat down beside him, and he leaned in over the table; she could feel the warmth of his flushed, congested face; the scent of wine wafted towards her on his heavy whisper.

“I knew you would come.”

"I knew you'd come."

She ate and drank with him in silence, nibbling and sipping slowly, staving off the abominable moment it would end in.

She ate and drank with him quietly, nibbling and sipping slowly, delaying the awful moment when it would all be over.

At last they got up and faced each other. His long bulk stood before her, above her; she could almost feel the vibration of its power.

At last, they stood up and faced each other. His tall figure loomed over her; she could almost sense its powerful energy.

“Come,” he said. “Come.”

"Come," he said. "Come."

And she went before him, slowly, slipping out through the maze of the tables, hearing behind her Oscar’s measured, deliberate, thoughtful tread. The steep, red-carpeted staircase rose up before her.

And she walked ahead of him slowly, weaving through the maze of tables, hearing Oscar’s steady, deliberate footsteps behind her. The steep, red-carpeted staircase loomed in front of her.

She swerved from it, but he turned her back.

She tried to avoid it, but he brought her back.

“You know the way,” he said.

“You know the way,” he said.

At the top of the flight she found the white door of the room she knew. She knew the long windows guarded by drawn muslin blinds; the gilt looking-glass over the chimney-piece that reflected Oscar’s head and shoulders grotesquely between two white porcelain babies with bulbous limbs and garlanded loins, she knew the sprawling stain on the drab carpet by the table, the shabby, infamous couch behind the screen.

At the top of the stairs, she found the white door to the room she recognized. She remembered the long windows covered with pulled muslin blinds; the gold-framed mirror over the fireplace that distorted Oscar’s head and shoulders between two white porcelain babies with chubby limbs and flowered waistbands. She recalled the large stain on the dull carpet near the table and the worn-out, notorious couch behind the screen.

They moved about the room, turning and turning in it like beasts in a cage, uneasy, inimical, avoiding each other.

They moved around the room, turning and turning like animals in a cage, restless, unfriendly, avoiding one another.

At last they stood still, he at the window, she at the door, the length of the room between.

At last, they stood still—he by the window, she by the door, the length of the room separating them.

“It’s no good your getting away like that,” he said. “There couldn’t be any other end to it—to what we did.”

“It’s no use trying to escape like that,” he said. “There couldn’t be any other outcome for what we did.”

“But that was ended.”

“But that is over.”

“Ended there, but not here.”

“Ended here, but not there.”

“Ended for ever. We’ve done with it for ever.”

“Finished for good. We're done with it for good.”

“We haven’t. We’ve got to begin again. And go on. And go on.”

“We haven’t. We need to start over. And keep going. And keep going.”

“Oh, no. No. Anything but that.”

“Oh, no. No. Anything but that.”

“There isn’t anything else.”

"There's nothing else."

“We can’t. We can’t. Don’t you remember how it bored us?”

“We can’t. We can’t. Don’t you remember how boring it was for us?”

“Remember? Do you suppose I’d touch you if I could help it?... That’s what we’re here for. We must. We must.”

“Remember? Do you think I’d touch you if I had a choice?... That’s what we’re here for. We have to. We have to.”

“No. No. I shall get away—now.”

“No way. I’m out—now.”

She turned to the door to open it.

She turned to the door to open it.

“You can’t,” he said. “The door’s locked.”

“You can’t,” he said. “The door is locked.”

“Oscar—what did you do that for?”

“Oscar—why’d you do that?”

“We always did it. Don’t you remember?”

“We always did it. Don’t you remember?”

She turned to the door again and shook it; she beat on it with her hands.

She turned to the door again and shook it; she banged on it with her hands.

“It’s no use, Harriott. If you got out now you’d only have to come back again. You might stave it off for an hour or so, but what’s that in an immortality?”

“It’s pointless, Harriott. If you left now, you’d just have to return. You could delay it for an hour or so, but what does that matter in the face of eternity?”

“Immortality?”

"Live forever?"

“That’s what we’re in for.”

"That's what we're up against."

“Time enough to talk about immortality when we’re dead.... Ah—”

“There's plenty of time to chat about immortality when we're dead.... Ah—”

... moving slowly, like figures in some monstrous and appalling dance ...

... moving slowly, like characters in some horrific and disturbing dance ...

They were being drawn towards each other across the room, moving slowly, like figures in some monstrous and appalling dance, their heads thrown back over their shoulders, their faces turned from the horrible approach. Their arms rose slowly, heavy with intolerable reluctance; they stretched them out towards each other, aching, as if they held up an overpowering weight. Their feet dragged and were drawn.

They were being pulled towards each other across the room, moving slowly, like characters in some terrible and unsettling dance, their heads thrown back over their shoulders, their faces turned away from the unpleasant approach. Their arms rose slowly, heavy with unbearable reluctance; they stretched them out towards each other, aching, as if they were lifting an overwhelming weight. Their feet dragged and were pulled.

Suddenly her knees sank under her; she shut her eyes; all her being went down before him in darkness and terror.

Suddenly her knees gave out; she closed her eyes; all of her felt like it was collapsing in front of him into darkness and fear.


It was over. She had got away, she was going back, back, to the green drive of the Park, between the beech trees, where Oscar had never been, where he would never find her. When she passed through the south gate her memory became suddenly young and clean. She forgot the rue de Rivoli and the Hotel Saint Pierre; she forgot Schnebler’s Restaurant and the room at the top of the stairs. She was back in her youth. She was Harriott Leigh going to wait for Stephen Philpotts in the pavilion opposite the west gate. She could feel herself, a slender figure moving fast over the grass between the lines of the great beech trees. The freshness of her youth was upon her.

It was over. She had escaped, and she was heading back, back to the green path of the Park, between the beech trees, where Oscar had never been, where he would never find her. As she walked through the south gate, her memories suddenly felt fresh and clear. She forgot about the rue de Rivoli and the Hotel Saint Pierre; she forgot about Schnebler’s Restaurant and the room at the top of the stairs. She was back in her youth. She was Harriott Leigh, waiting for Stephen Philpotts in the pavilion across from the west gate. She could feel herself, a slim figure moving quickly over the grass between the rows of the great beech trees. The freshness of her youth surrounded her.

She came to the heart of the drive where it branched right and left in the form of a cross. At the end of the right arm the white Greek temple, with its pediment and pillars, gleamed against the wood.

She arrived at the center of the drive where it split into a cross, going right and left. At the end of the right side, the white Greek temple, with its pediment and columns, shone against the trees.

She was sitting on their seat at the back of the pavilion, watching the side door that Stephen would come in by.

She was sitting in their spot at the back of the pavilion, watching the side door where Stephen would come in.

The door was pushed open; he came towards her, light and young, skimming between the beech trees with his eager, tiptoeing stride. She rose up to meet him. She gave a cry.

The door swung open; he approached her, lively and youthful, gliding between the beech trees with his eager, tiptoeing walk. She stood up to greet him. She gasped.

“Stephen!”

“Steph!”

It had been Stephen. She had seen him coming. But the man who stood before her between the pillars of the pavilion was Oscar Wade.

It was Stephen. She had seen him approaching. But the man standing in front of her between the pillars of the pavilion was Oscar Wade.

And now she was walking along the field-path that slanted from the orchard door to the stile; further and further back, to where young George Waring waited for her under the elder tree. The smell of the elder flowers came to her over the field. She could feel on her lips and in all her body the sweet, innocent excitement of her youth.

And now she was walking along the path that sloped from the orchard door to the gate; further and further back, to where young George Waring waited for her under the elder tree. The fragrance of the elder flowers drifted to her across the field. She could feel on her lips and throughout her body the sweet, innocent thrill of her youth.

“George, oh, George!”

“George, come on, George!”

As she went along the field-path she had seen him. But the man who stood waiting for her under the elder tree was Oscar Wade.

As she walked down the field path, she saw him. But the man waiting for her under the elder tree was Oscar Wade.

“I told you it’s no use getting away, Harriott. Every path brings you back to me. You’ll find me at every turn.”

“I told you it’s pointless to try to escape, Harriott. Every path leads you back to me. You’ll come across me at every turn.”

“But how did you get here?

“But how did you get here?”

“As I got into the pavilion. As I got into your father’s room, on to his death-bed. Because I was there. I am in all your memories.”

“As I entered the pavilion. As I walked into your father’s room, to his deathbed. Because I was there. I exist in all your memories.”

“My memories are innocent. How could you take my father’s place, and Stephen’s, and George Waring’s? You?”

“My memories are pure. How could you take my father’s place, and Stephen’s, and George Waring’s? You?”

“Because I did take them.”

“Because I took them.”

“Never. My love for them was innocent.”

“Never. My love for them was pure.”

“Your love for me was part of it. You think the past affects the future. Has it never struck you that the future may affect the past? In your innocence there was the beginning of your sin. You were what you were to be.”

“Your love for me played a role in this. You believe the past influences the future. Has it never occurred to you that the future might influence the past? Your innocence contained the seed of your wrongdoing. You were what you were meant to be.”

“I shall get away,” she said.

“I’m going to leave,” she said.

“And, this time, I shall go with you.”

“And this time, I’ll go with you.”

The stile, the elder tree, and the field floated away from her. She was going under the beech trees down the Park drive towards the south gate and the village, slinking close to the right-hand row of trees. She was aware that Oscar Wade was going with her under the left-hand row, keeping even with her, step by step, and tree by tree. And presently there was grey pavement under her feet and a row of grey pillars on her right hand. They were walking side by side down the rue de Rivoli towards the hotel.

The fence, the elder tree, and the field disappeared behind her. She was heading under the beech trees along the Park drive toward the south gate and the village, staying close to the row of trees on her right. She could tell that Oscar Wade was walking alongside her under the left row, matching her pace, step by step, and tree by tree. Soon enough, there was grey pavement beneath her feet and a line of grey pillars to her right. They were walking side by side down rue de Rivoli toward the hotel.

They were sitting together now on the edge of the dingy white bed. Their arms hung by their sides, heavy and limp, their heads drooped, averted. Their passion weighed on them with the unbearable, unescapable boredom of immortality.

They were sitting together now on the edge of the shabby white bed. Their arms hung by their sides, heavy and limp, their heads drooped, turned away. Their passion weighed on them with the unbearable, inescapable boredom of forever.

“Oscar—how long will it last?”

“Oscar—how long will this last?”

“I can’t tell you. I don’t know whether this is one moment of eternity, or the eternity of one moment.”

“I can’t tell you. I don’t know if this is just one moment of eternity, or the eternity of a single moment.”

“It must end some time,” she said. “Life doesn’t go on for ever. We shall die.”

“It has to end eventually,” she said. “Life doesn’t last forever. We will die.”

“Die? We have died. Don’t you know what this is? Don’t you know where you are? This is death. We’re dead, Harriott. We’re in hell.”

“Die? We have died. Don’t you know what this is? Don’t you know where you are? This is death. We’re dead, Harriott. We’re in hell.”

“Yes. There can’t be anything worse than this.”

“Yes. There can’t be anything worse than this.”

“This isn’t the worst. We’re not quite dead yet, as long as we’ve life in us to turn and run and get away from each other; as long as we can escape into our memories. But when you’ve got back to the farthest memory of all and there’s nothing beyond it—when there’s no memory but this—

“This isn’t the worst. We’re not completely dead yet, as long as we have life in us to turn and run and get away from each other; as long as we can escape into our memories. But when you reach the farthest memory of all and there’s nothing beyond it—when there’s no memory but this—

“In the last hell we shall not run away any longer; we shall find no more roads, no more passages, no more open doors. We shall have no need to look for each other.

“In the final hell, we won’t run away anymore; we won’t find any more paths, no more ways out, no more open doors. We won’t need to search for each other.

“In the last death we shall be shut up in this room, behind that locked door, together. We shall lie here together, for ever and ever, joined so fast that even God can’t put us asunder. We shall be one flesh and one spirit, one sin repeated for ever, and ever; spirit loathing flesh, flesh loathing spirit; you and I loathing each other.”

“In death, we’ll be confined in this room, behind that locked door, together. We’ll lie here forever, so closely connected that even God can't separate us. We’ll be one body and one soul, one sin that repeats endlessly; the spirit hating the body, the body hating the spirit; you and I hating each other.”

“Why? Why?” she cried.

"Why? Why?" she shouted.

“Because that’s all that’s left us. That’s what you made of love.”

“Because that’s all we have left. That’s what you turned love into.”


The darkness came down swamping, it blotted out the room. She was walking along a garden path between high borders of phlox and larkspur and lupin. They were taller than she was, their flowers swayed and nodded above her head. She tugged at the tall stems and had no strength to break them. She was a little thing.

The darkness settled in, overwhelming the room. She was walking along a garden path flanked by towering borders of phlox, larkspur, and lupine. They were taller than her, their flowers swaying and nodding above her head. She tugged at the tall stems but didn't have the strength to snap them. She was so small.

She said to herself then that she was safe. She had gone back so far that she was a child again; she had the blank innocence of childhood. To be a child, to go small under the heads of the lupins, to be blank and innocent, without memory, was to be safe.

She told herself that she was safe now. She had traveled back so far that she felt like a child again; she had the pure innocence of childhood. Being a child, hiding small under the heads of the lupins, being blank and innocent, without any memories, felt like safety.

The walk led her out through a yew hedge on to a bright green lawn. In the middle of the lawn there was a shallow round pond in a ring of rockery cushioned with small flowers, yellow and white and purple. Gold-fish swam in the olive-brown water. She would be safe when she saw the gold-fish swimming towards her. The old one with the white scales would come up first, pushing up his nose, making bubbles in the water.

The path took her through a yew hedge and onto a bright green lawn. In the center of the lawn, there was a shallow round pond surrounded by a ring of rocks covered in small flowers—yellow, white, and purple. Goldfish swam in the olive-brown water. She would feel safe when she saw the goldfish swimming towards her. The older one with the white scales would come up first, pushing his nose out and making bubbles in the water.

At the bottom of the lawn there was a privet hedge cut by a broad path that went through the orchard. She knew what she would find there; her mother was in the orchard. She would lift her up in her arms to play with the hard red balls of the apples that hung from the tree. She had got back to the farthest memory of all; there was nothing beyond it.

At the edge of the lawn, there was a privet hedge trimmed by a wide path that led through the orchard. She knew exactly what she would find there; her mom was in the orchard. She would pick her up in her arms to play with the hard red apples hanging from the tree. She had returned to the deepest memory of all; there was nothing before it.

There would be an iron gate in the wall of the orchard. It would lead into a field.

There would be a metal gate in the wall of the orchard. It would lead into a field.

Something was different here, something that frightened her. An ash-grey door instead of an iron gate.

Something felt off here, something that scared her. An ash-grey door instead of an iron gate.

She pushed it open and came into the last corridor of the Hotel Saint Pierre.

She pushed it open and walked into the final hallway of the Hotel Saint Pierre.

THE TOKEN

I
I

I have only known one absolutely adorable woman, and that was my brother’s wife, Cicely Dunbar.

I’ve only known one truly amazing woman, and that was my brother’s wife, Cicely Dunbar.

Sisters-in-law do not, I think, invariably adore each other, and I am aware that my chief merit in Cicely’s eyes was that I am Donald’s sister; but for me there was no question of extraneous quality—it was all pure Cicely.

Sisters-in-law don’t always get along, and I know that my main virtue in Cicely’s eyes was that I’m Donald’s sister; but for me, it wasn’t about any outside quality—it was all about Cicely.

And how Donald— But then, like all the Dunbars, Donald suffers from being Scottish, so that, if he has a feeling, he makes it a point of honour to pretend he hasn’t it. I daresay he let himself go a bit during his courtship, when he was not, strictly speaking, himself; but after he had once married her I think he would have died rather than have told Cicely in so many words that he loved her. And Cicely wanted to be told. You say she ought to have known without telling? You don’t know Donald. You can’t conceive the perverse ingenuity he could put into hiding his affection. He has that peculiar temper—I think it’s Scottish—that delights in snubbing and faultfinding and defeating expectation. If he knows you want him to do a thing, that alone is reason enough with Donald for not doing it. And my sister, who was as transparent as white crystal, was never able to conceal a want. So that Donald could, as we said, “have” her at every turn.

And how Donald— But then, like all the Dunbars, Donald struggles with being Scottish, so that if he feels something, he makes it a point of pride to act like he doesn’t. I guess he loosened up a bit during his courtship when he wasn’t exactly himself; but after they got married, I believe he would have rather died than tell Cicely outright that he loved her. And Cicely needed to hear it. You say she should have known without him saying it? You don’t know Donald. You can’t imagine the stubborn creativity he put into hiding his feelings. He has that unique temperament—I think it’s Scottish—that enjoys dismissing and criticizing and defying expectations. If he knows you want him to do something, that alone is reason enough for Donald not to do it. And my sister, who was as clear as crystal, could never hide what she wanted. So, Donald could, as we said, “have” her at every turn.

And, then, I don’t think my brother really knew how ill she was. He didn’t want to know. Besides, he was so wrapt up in trying to finish his “Development of Social Economics” (which, by the way, he hasn’t finished yet) that he had no eyes to see what we all saw: that, the way her poor little heart was going, Cicely couldn’t have very long to live.

And then, I don’t think my brother really understood how sick she was. He didn’t want to know. Besides, he was so caught up in trying to finish his “Development of Social Economics” (which, by the way, he still hasn’t finished) that he couldn’t see what we all saw: that with the way her poor little heart was going, Cicely didn’t have much time left.

Of course he understood that this was why, in those last months, they had to have separate rooms. And this in the first year of their marriage when he was still violently in love with her.

Of course he understood that this was why, in those last months, they had to have separate rooms. And this was the first year of their marriage when he was still deeply in love with her.

I keep those two facts firmly in my mind when I try to excuse Donald; for it was the main cause of that unkindness and perversity which I find it so hard to forgive. Even now, when I think how he used to discharge it on the poor little thing, as if it had been her fault, I have to remind myself that the lamb’s innocence made her a little trying.

I hold those two facts strongly in my mind when I try to justify Donald; because they were the main reasons for the cruelty and stubbornness that I struggle to forgive. Even now, when I think about how he took it out on the poor little thing, as if it were her fault, I have to remind myself that the lamb’s innocence made her a bit challenging.

She couldn’t understand why Donald didn’t want to have her with him in his library any more while he read or wrote. It seemed to her sheer cruelty to shut her out now when she was ill, seeing that, before she was ill, she had always had her chair by the fireplace, where she would sit over her book or her embroidery for hours without speaking, hardly daring to breathe lest she should interrupt him. Now was the time, she thought, when she might expect a little indulgence.

She couldn't understand why Donald didn't want her in his library anymore while he read or wrote. It felt like pure cruelty to exclude her now that she was sick, especially since before she got sick, she always had her chair by the fireplace, where she would sit with her book or her embroidery for hours without speaking, barely daring to breathe for fear of interrupting him. She thought this was the time when she should expect a little kindness.

Do you suppose that Donald would give his feelings as an explanation? Not he. They were his feelings, and he wouldn’t talk about them; and he never explained anything you didn’t understand.

Do you think Donald would express his feelings as an explanation? Not a chance. They were his feelings, and he wouldn’t discuss them; plus, he never explained anything you didn’t get.

That—her wanting to sit with him in the library—was what they had the awful quarrel about, the day before she died: that and the paper-weight, the precious paper-weight that he wouldn’t let anybody touch because George Meredith had given it him. It was a brass block, surmounted by a white alabaster Buddha painted and gilt. And it had an inscription: To Donald Dunbar, from George Meredith. In Affectionate Regard.

That—her wanting to sit with him in the library—was what they had the awful fight about, the day before she died: that and the paperweight, the precious paperweight that he wouldn’t let anyone touch because George Meredith had given it to him. It was a brass block topped with a white alabaster Buddha that was painted and gilded. And it had an inscription: To Donald Dunbar, from George Meredith. In Affectionate Regard.

My brother was extremely attached to this paper-weight, partly, I’m afraid, because it proclaimed his intimacy with the great man. For this reason it was known in the family ironically as the Token.

My brother was really attached to this paperweight, partly, I’m afraid, because it showed off his connection with the great man. Because of this, it was ironically called the Token in the family.

It stood on Donald’s writing-table at his elbow, so near the ink-pot that the white Buddha had received a splash or two. And this evening Cicely had come in to us in the library, and had annoyed Donald by staying in it when he wanted her to go. She had taken up the Token, and was cleaning it to give herself a pretext.

It was on Donald’s writing desk next to him, so close to the ink pot that the white Buddha had gotten splattered a bit. That evening, Cicely walked into the library and irritated Donald by staying when he wanted her to leave. She picked up the Token and started cleaning it to give herself an excuse.

She died after the quarrel they had then.

She died after the argument they had then.

It began by Donald shouting at her.

It started with Donald yelling at her.

“What are you doing with that paper-weight?”

“What are you doing with that paperweight?”

“Only getting the ink off.”

"Just getting the ink off."

I can see her now, the darling. She had wetted the corner of her handkerchief with her little pink tongue and was rubbing the Buddha. Her hands had begun to tremble when he shouted.

I can see her now, the sweetheart. She had dampened the corner of her handkerchief with her little pink tongue and was rubbing the Buddha. Her hands had started to shake when he yelled.

“Put it down, can’t you? I’ve told you not to touch my things.”

“Put it down, can’t you? I’ve asked you not to touch my stuff.”

“I’ve told you not to touch my things.”

“I’ve told you not to touch my stuff.”

You inked him,” she said. She was giving one last rub as he rose, threatening.

You marked him,” she said. She was giving one last rub as he stood up, threatening.

“Put—it—down.”

“Put it down.”

And, poor child, she did put it down. Indeed, she dropped it at his feet.

And the poor kid, she did put it down. In fact, she dropped it right at his feet.

“Oh!” she cried out, and stooped quickly and picked it up. Her large tear-glassed eyes glanced at him, frightened.

“Oh!” she gasped, quickly bending down to grab it. Her big, teary eyes looked at him, scared.

“He isn’t broken.”

“He's not broken.”

“No thanks to you,” he growled.

“No thanks to you,” he muttered.

“You beast! You know I’d die rather than break anything you care about.”

“You monster! You know I’d rather die than hurt anything you care about.”

“It’ll be broken some day, if you will come meddling.”

“It’ll be broken someday if you keep meddling.”

I couldn’t bear it. I said, “You mustn’t yell at her like that. You know she can’t stand it. You’ll make her ill again.”

I couldn't take it anymore. I said, "You can't shout at her like that. You know she can't handle it. You'll make her sick again."

That sobered him for a moment.

That made him think for a moment.

“I’m sorry,” he said; but he made it sound as if he wasn’t.

“I’m sorry,” he said; but it sounded like he wasn’t.

“If you’re sorry,” she persisted, “you might let me stay with you. I’ll be as quiet as a mouse.”

“If you’re really sorry,” she continued, “you could let me stay with you. I promise I’ll be super quiet.”

“No; I don’t want you—I can’t work with you in the room.”

“No; I don’t want you here—I can’t work with you in the room.”

“You can work with Helen.”

"Work with Helen."

“You’re not Helen.”

"You aren't Helen."

“He only means he’s not in love with me, dear.”

“He just means he doesn’t love me, dear.”

“He means I’m no use to him. I know I’m not. I can’t even sit on his manuscripts and keep them down. He cares more for that damned paper-weight than he does for me.”

“He means I’m no good to him. I know I’m not. I can’t even sit on his manuscripts and keep them in place. He cares more about that damn paperweight than he does about me.”

“Well—George Meredith gave it me.”

"Well—George Meredith gave it to me."

“And nobody gave you me. I gave myself.”

“And nobody gave you to me. I chose you myself.”

That worked up his devil again. He had to torment her.

That stirred up his anger again. He had to tease her.

“It can’t have cost you much,” he said. “And I may remind you that the paper-weight has some intrinsic value.”

“It couldn’t have cost you much,” he said. “And I should remind you that the paperweight has some intrinsic value.”

With that he left her.

Then he left her.

“What’s he gone out for?” she asked me.

“What did he go out for?” she asked me.

“Because he’s ashamed of himself, I suppose,” I said. “Oh, Cicely, why will you answer him? You know what he is.”

“Because he’s ashamed of himself, I guess,” I said. “Oh, Cicely, why do you answer him? You know what he is.”

“No!” she said passionately—“that’s what I don’t know. I never have known.”

“No!” she exclaimed passionately. “That’s what I don’t know. I’ve never known.”

“At least you know he’s in love with you.”

“At least you know he loves you.”

“He has a queer way of showing it, then. He never does anything but stamp and shout and find fault with me—all about an old paper-weight!”

“He has a strange way of showing it, then. He only ever stamps his feet, shouts, and criticizes me—all over an old paperweight!”

She was caressing it as she spoke, stroking the alabaster Buddha as if it had been a live thing.

She was gently touching it as she spoke, rubbing the white Buddha as if it were alive.

“His poor Buddha. Do you think it’ll break if I stroke it? Better not.... Honestly, Helen, I’d rather die than hurt anything he really cared for. Yet look how he hurts me.”

“His poor Buddha. Do you think it will break if I touch it? Probably better not to.... Honestly, Helen, I’d rather die than hurt anything he truly cared about. Yet look at how he hurts me.”

“Some men must hurt the things they care for.”

“Some men have to hurt the things they care about.”

“I wouldn’t mind his hurting, if only I knew he cared. Helen—I’d give anything to know.”

“I wouldn’t care about his pain, as long as I knew he cared. Helen—I’d give anything to find out.”

“I think you might know.”

"I think you might know."

“I don’t! I don’t!”

"I don't! I don't!"

“Well, you’ll know some day.”

"Well, you'll find out someday."

“Never! He won’t tell me.”

"Not a chance! He won't tell me."

“He’s Scotch, my dear. It would kill him to tell you.”

"He's Scottish, my dear. It would be impossible for him to tell you."

“Then how’m I to know! If I died to-morrow I should die not knowing.”

“Then how am I supposed to know! If I died tomorrow, I would die not knowing.”

And that night, not knowing, she died.

And that night, without knowing it, she died.

She died because she had never really known.

She died because she had never truly understood.

II
II

We never talked about her. It was not my brother’s way. Words hurt him, to speak or to hear them.

We never talked about her. That wasn't my brother's style. Words affected him deeply, whether he was speaking them or hearing them.

He had become more morose than ever, but less irritable, the source of his irritation being gone. Though he plunged into work as another man might have plunged into dissipation, to drown the thought of her, you could see that he had no longer any interest in it; he no longer loved it. He attacked it with a fury that had more hate in it than love. He would spend the greater part of the day and the long evenings shut up in his library, only going out for a short walk an hour before dinner. You could see that soon all spontaneous impulses would be checked in him and he would become the creature of habit and routine.

He had become more gloomy than ever, but less easily irritated since the source of his annoyance was gone. Although he threw himself into work like someone might dive into partying to forget her, it was clear he no longer cared about it; he no longer loved it. He tackled it with an intensity that was fueled more by anger than affection. He would spend most of the day and long evenings locked away in his library, only stepping out for a short walk an hour before dinner. It was obvious that soon all his spontaneous impulses would fade, and he would turn into a person defined by habit and routine.

I tried to rouse him, to shake him up out of his deadly groove; but it was no use. The first effort—for he did make efforts—exhausted him, and he sank back into it again.

I tried to wake him up, to shake him out of his deep rut; but it was pointless. The first attempt—because he did try—tired him out, and he slipped back into it again.

But he liked to have me with him; and all the time that I could spare from my housekeeping and gardening I spent in the library. I think he didn’t like to be left alone there in the place where they had the quarrel that killed her; and I noticed that the cause of it, the Token, had disappeared from his table.

But he liked having me around; and all the time I could take away from my chores and gardening, I spent in the library. I think he didn’t want to be alone in the place where they had the fight that ended her life; and I noticed that the reason for it, the Token, was gone from his table.

And all her things, everything that could remind him of her, had been put away. It was the dead burying its dead.

And all her stuff, everything that could remind him of her, was put away. It was the dead burying their dead.

Only the chair she had loved remained in its place by the side of the hearth—her chair, if you could call it hers when she wasn’t allowed to sit in it. It was always empty, for by tacit consent we both avoided it.

Only the chair she had loved stayed in its spot by the hearth—her chair, if you could call it hers when she wasn’t allowed to sit in it. It was always empty because, without saying a word, we both steered clear of it.

We would sit there for hours at a time without speaking, while he worked and I read or sewed. I never dared to ask him whether he sometimes had, as I had, the sense of Cicely’s presence there, in that room which she had so longed to enter, from which she had been so cruelly shut out. You couldn’t tell what he felt or didn’t feel. My brother’s face was a heavy, sombre mask; his back, bent over the writing-table, a wall behind which he hid himself.

We would sit there for hours without saying a word, while he worked and I read or sewed. I never had the courage to ask him if he sometimes felt Cicely’s presence there, in that room she had desperately wanted to be in, from which she had been so unfairly excluded. You could never tell what he felt or didn’t feel. My brother’s face was a heavy, serious mask; his back, hunched over the writing table, was a wall behind which he hid himself.

You must know that twice in my life I have more than felt these presences; I have seen them. This may be because I am on both sides a Highland Celt, and my mother had the same uncanny gift. I had never spoken of these appearances to Donald because he would have put it all down to what he calls my hysterical fancy. And I am sure that if he ever felt or saw anything himself he would never own it.

You should know that twice in my life I have not just felt these presences; I have seen them. This could be because I'm a Highland Celt on both sides, and my mother had the same strange gift. I had never talked about these experiences with Donald because he would blame it all on what he calls my hysterical imagination. I’m sure that if he ever felt or saw anything himself, he would never admit it.

I ought to explain that each time the vision was premonitory of a death (in Cicely’s case I had no such warning), and each time it only lasted for a second; also that, though I am certain I was wide awake each time, it is open to anybody to say I was asleep and dreamed it. The queer thing was that I was neither frightened nor surprised.

I should explain that every time the vision happened, it predicted a death (in Cicely’s case, I didn't get any warning), and each time it only lasted for a second. Also, even though I’m sure I was fully awake each time, anyone could argue that I was asleep and dreaming. The strange thing is that I wasn't scared or surprised at all.

And so I was neither surprised nor frightened now, the first evening that I saw her.

And so I was neither surprised nor scared on that first evening I saw her.

It was in the early autumn twilight, about six o’clock. I was sitting in my place in front of the fireplace; Donald was in his arm-chair on my left, smoking a pipe, as usual, before the lamplight drove him out of doors into the dark.

It was early autumn twilight, around six o’clock. I was sitting in my spot in front of the fireplace; Donald was in his armchair on my left, smoking a pipe like usual, before the lamplight pushed him outside into the dark.

I had had so strong a sense of Cicely’s being there in the room that I felt nothing but a sudden sacred pang that was half joy when I looked up and saw her sitting in her chair on my right.

I felt such a strong sense of Cicely being in the room that I experienced a sudden, sacred ache that was partly joy when I looked up and saw her sitting in her chair to my right.

The phantasm was perfect and vivid, as if it had been flesh and blood. I should have thought that it was Cicely herself if I hadn’t known that she was dead. She wasn’t looking at me; her face was turned to Donald with that longing, wondering look it used to have, searching his face for the secret that he kept from her.

The illusion was so real and lifelike, it felt almost like it had flesh and blood. I would have believed it was Cicely herself if I hadn’t known she was dead. She wasn’t looking at me; her face was turned to Donald, wearing that familiar longing, inquisitive expression, searching his face for the secret he hid from her.

... her face was turned to Donald ...

... her face was turned to Donald ...

I looked at Donald. His chin was sunk a little, the pipe drooping from the corner of his mouth. He was heavy, absorbed in his smoking. It was clear that he did not see what I saw.

I looked at Donald. His chin was slightly dropped, the pipe hanging from the corner of his mouth. He seemed heavy and focused on his smoking. It was obvious that he didn’t see what I saw.

And whereas those other phantasms that I told you about disappeared at once, this lasted some little time, and always with its eyes fixed on Donald. It even lasted while Donald stirred, while he stooped forward, knocking the ashes out of his pipe against the hob, while he sighed, stretched himself, turned, and left the room. Then, as the door shut behind him, the whole figure went out suddenly—not flickering, but like a light you switch off.

And while those other illusions I mentioned vanished immediately, this one lingered for a bit, always with its eyes locked on Donald. It remained even as Donald moved, when he leaned forward to knock the ashes from his pipe against the hearth, when he sighed, stretched, turned, and left the room. Then, as the door closed behind him, the entire figure suddenly disappeared—not flickering, but just like a light being turned off.

I saw it again the next evening and the next, at the same time and in the same place, and with the same look turned towards Donald. And again I was sure that he did not see it. But I thought, from his uneasy sighing and stretching, that he had some sense of something there.

I saw it again the next evening and the next, at the same time and in the same place, and with the same look directed at Donald. And again I was convinced that he didn’t see it. But I thought, from his restless sighing and stretching, that he had some awareness of something being there.

No; I was not frightened. I was glad. You see, I loved Cicely. I remember thinking, “At last, at last, you poor darling, you’ve got in. And you can stay as long as you like now. He can’t turn you away.”

No; I wasn’t scared. I was happy. You see, I loved Cicely. I remember thinking, “Finally, finally, you poor thing, you’ve made it in. And you can stay as long as you want now. He can’t kick you out.”

The first few times I saw her just as I have said. I would look up and find the phantasm there, sitting in her chair. And it would disappear suddenly when Donald left the room. Then I knew I was alone.

The first few times I saw her, just like I mentioned before. I would glance up and see the figure sitting in her chair. Then it would vanish suddenly when Donald left the room. That’s when I realized I was by myself.

But as I grew used to its presence, or perhaps as it grew used to mine and found out that I was not afraid of it, that indeed I loved to have it there, it came, I think, to trust me, so that I was made aware of all its movements. I would see it coming across the room from the doorway, making straight for its desired place, and settling in a little curled-up posture of satisfaction, appeased, as if it had expected opposition that it no longer found. Yet that it was not happy, I could still see by its look at Donald. That never changed. It was as uncertain of him now as she had been in her lifetime.

But as I got used to its presence, or maybe it got used to mine, realizing I wasn’t afraid of it and actually liked having it around, I think it began to trust me, so I became aware of all its movements. I would see it coming across the room from the doorway, heading straight for its favorite spot, and settling into a little curled-up position of satisfaction, calm as if it had expected some pushback that wasn’t there anymore. Yet I could still tell it wasn’t truly happy by the way it looked at Donald. That never changed. It was just as unsure of him now as it had been during her lifetime.

Up till now, the sixth or seventh time I had seen it, I had no clue to the secret of its appearance; and its movements seemed to me mysterious and without purpose. Only two things were clear: it was Donald that it came for—the instant he went it disappeared; and I never once saw it when I was alone. And always it chose this room and this hour before the lights came, when he sat doing nothing. It was clear also that he never saw it.

Up until now, the sixth or seventh time I had seen it, I had no idea what it was about; its movements felt mysterious and aimless. Two things were obvious: it was there for Donald—every time he left, it vanished; and I never saw it when I was by myself. It always appeared in this room and at this time, just before the lights were turned on, when he sat doing nothing. It was also clear that he never noticed it.

But that it was there with him sometimes when I was not I knew; for, more than once, things on Donald’s writing-table, books or papers, would be moved out of their places, though never beyond reach; and he would ask me whether I had touched them.

But I knew it was sometimes there with him when I wasn't; because more than once, things on Donald's desk—like books or papers—were moved from their spots, though never too far away; and he would ask me if I had touched them.

“Either you lie,” he would say, “or I’m mistaken. I could have sworn I put those notes on the left-hand side; and they aren’t there now.”

“Either you’re lying,” he would say, “or I’m wrong. I could have sworn I put those notes on the left side; and they aren’t there now.”

And once—that was wonderful—I saw, yes, I saw her come and push the lost thing under his hand. And all he said was, “Well, I’m—I could have sworn—”

And once—that was amazing—I saw, yes, I saw her come and place the lost thing under his hand. And all he said was, “Well, I’m—I could have sworn—”

For whether it had gained a sense of security, or whether its purpose was now finally fixed, it began to move regularly about the room, and its movements had evidently a reason and an aim.

For whether it had gained a sense of security or whether its purpose was now finally set, it started to move around the room regularly, and its movements clearly had a reason and a goal.

It was looking for something.

It was searching for something.

One evening we were all there in our places, Donald silent in his chair and I in mine, and it seated in its attitude of wonder and of waiting, when suddenly I saw Donald looking at me.

One evening, we were all in our spots, Donald quiet in his chair and I in mine, both of us in a state of wonder and anticipation, when suddenly I noticed Donald looking at me.

“Helen,” he said, “what are you staring for like that?”

“Helen,” he said, “why are you staring like that?”

I started. I had forgotten that the direction of my eyes would be bound, sooner or later, to betray me.

I started. I had forgotten that my gaze would eventually give me away.

I heard myself stammer, “W—w—was I staring?”

I heard myself stutter, “W—w—was I staring?”

“Yes. I wish you wouldn’t.”

"Yeah. I wish you wouldn't."

I knew what he meant. He didn’t want me to keep on looking at that chair; he didn’t want to know that I was thinking of her. I bent my head closer over my sewing, so that I no longer had the phantasm in sight.

I understood what he meant. He didn’t want me to keep staring at that chair; he didn’t want to know I was thinking about her. I leaned my head closer to my sewing, so I wouldn’t see the illusion anymore.

It was then I was aware that it had risen and was crossing the hearthrug. It stopped at Donald’s knees, and stood there, gazing at him with a look so intent and fixed that I could not doubt that this had some significance. I saw it put out its hand and touch him; and, though Donald sighed and shifted his position, I could tell that he had neither seen nor felt anything.

It was then that I noticed it had gotten up and was moving across the hearth rug. It paused at Donald’s knees and stood there, staring at him with such a focused look that I couldn't help but think it meant something. I watched it reach out and touch him; and even though Donald sighed and changed his position, I could tell he hadn’t seen or felt a thing.

It turned to me then—and this was the first time it had given any sign that it was conscious of my presence—it turned on me a look of supplication, such supplication as I had seen on my sister’s face in her lifetime, when she could do nothing with him and implored me to intercede. At the same time three words formed themselves in my brain with a sudden, quick impulsion, as if I had heard them cried.

It turned to me then—and this was the first time it had shown any awareness of my presence—it looked at me with a pleading expression, similar to the one I had seen on my sister’s face during her life, when she felt helpless and begged me to step in. At the same time, three words suddenly popped into my mind, almost as if I had heard them shouted.

“Speak to him—speak to him!”

"Talk to him—talk to him!"

I knew now what it wanted. It was trying to make itself seen by him, to make itself felt, and it was in anguish at finding that it could not.

I realized what it wanted. It was trying to be noticed by him, to make him feel its presence, and it was suffering because it couldn't.

It knew then that I saw it, and the idea had come to it that it could make use of me to get through to him.

It realized then that I had seen it, and the thought occurred to it that it could use me to reach him.

I think I must have guessed even then what it had come for.

I think I must have figured out even then what it was there for.

I said, “You asked me what I was staring at, and I lied. I was looking at Cicely’s chair.”

I said, “You asked me what I was staring at, and I lied. I was looking at Cicely’s chair.”

I saw him wince at the name.

I saw him flinch at the name.

“Because,” I went on, “I don’t know how you feel, but I always feel as if she were there.”

“Because,” I continued, “I don’t know how you feel, but I always feel like she’s there.”

He said nothing; but he got up, as though to shake off the oppression of the memory I had evoked, and stood leaning on the chimney-piece with his back to me.

He didn't say anything; instead, he got up, as if to shake off the weight of the memory I had brought up, and stood leaning against the mantelpiece with his back to me.

The phantasm retreated to its place, where it kept its eyes fixed on him as before.

The specter moved back to its spot, watching him just like before.

I was determined to break down his defences, to make him say something it might hear, give some sign that it would understand.

I was set on breaking down his defenses, making him say something it might recognize, giving some sign that it would comprehend.

“Donald, do you think it’s a good thing, a kind thing, never to talk about her?”

“Donald, do you think it's a good thing, a kind thing, to never talk about her?”

“Kind? Kind to whom?”

"Kind? Kind to who?"

“To yourself, first of all.”

"Put yourself first."

“You can leave me out of it.”

"Count me out."

“To me, then.”

"To me, then."

“What’s it got to do with you?” His voice was as hard and cutting as he could make it.

“What does it have to do with you?” His voice was as harsh and cutting as he could make it.

“Everything,” I said. “You forget, I loved her.”

“Everything,” I said. “You forget, I loved her.”

He was silent. He did at least respect my love for her.

He was quiet. He at least respected my feelings for her.

“But that wasn’t what she wanted.”

“But that wasn’t what she wanted.”

That hurt him. I could feel him stiffen under it.

That hurt him. I could feel him tense up because of it.

“You see, Donald,” I persisted, “I like thinking about her.”

“You see, Donald,” I kept on, “I enjoy thinking about her.”

It was cruel of me; but I had to break him.

It was harsh of me, but I needed to break him.

“You can think as much as you like,” he said, “provided you stop talking.”

“You can think as much as you want,” he said, “as long as you stop talking.”

“All the same, it’s as bad for you,” I said, “as it is for me, not talking.”

“All the same, it’s just as bad for you,” I said, “as it is for me, not talking.”

“I don’t care if it is bad for me. I can’t talk about her, Helen. I don’t want to.”

“I don’t care if it’s bad for me. I can’t talk about her, Helen. I don’t want to.”

“How do you know,” I said, “it isn’t bad for her?”

“How do you know,” I said, “it’s not bad for her?”

“For her?”

"For her?"

I could see I had roused him.

I could tell I had awakened him.

“Yes. If she really is there, all the time.”

“Yes. If she’s really there, all the time.”

“How d’you mean, there?

“How do you mean, there?

“Here—in this room. I tell you I can’t get over that feeling that she’s here.”

“Here—in this room. I swear I can’t shake the feeling that she’s here.”

“Oh, feel, feel,” he said; “but don’t talk to me about it!”

“Oh, feel, feel,” he said; “but don’t talk to me about it!”

And he left the room, flinging himself out in anger. And instantly her flame went out.

And he stormed out of the room in anger. Just like that, her spark faded away.

I thought, “How he must have hurt her!” It was the old thing over again: I trying to break him down, to make him show her; he beating us both off, punishing us both. You see, I knew now what she had come back for: she had come back to find out whether he loved her. With a longing unquenched by death, she had come back for certainty. And now, as always, my clumsy interference had only made him more hard, more obstinate. I thought, “If only he could see her! But as long as he beats her off he never will.”

I thought, “He must have really hurt her!” It was the same old story: I tried to break him down, to make him show her; he kept pushing us both away, punishing us both. You see, I understood now why she had come back: she wanted to know if he loved her. With a longing that even death couldn’t satisfy, she returned for certainty. And now, as always, my awkward interference had only made him more stubborn and resistant. I thought, “If only he could see her! But as long as he keeps pushing her away, he never will.”

Still, if I could once get him to believe that she was there—

Still, if I could just get him to believe that she was there—

I made up my mind that the next time I saw the phantasm I would tell him.

I decided that the next time I saw the ghost, I would tell him.

The next evening and the next its chair was empty, and I judged that it was keeping away, hurt by what it had heard the last time.

The next evening and the one after that, its chair was empty, and I figured that it was staying away, hurt by what it had heard last time.

But the third evening we were hardly seated before I saw it.

But on the third evening, we had hardly settled in before I noticed it.

It was sitting up, alert and observant, not staring at Donald as it used, but looking round the room, as if searching for something that it missed.

It was sitting up, alert and watchful, not looking directly at Donald like it used to, but scanning the room, as if searching for something it had overlooked.

“Donald,” I said, “if I told you that Cicely is in the room now, I suppose you wouldn’t believe me?”

“Donald,” I said, “if I told you that Cicely is in the room right now, I guess you wouldn’t believe me?”

“Is it likely?”

"Is it probable?"

“No. All the same, I see her as plainly as I see you.”

“No. Still, I see her just as clearly as I see you.”

The phantasm rose and moved to his side.

The ghost appeared and moved to his side.

“She’s standing close beside you.”

"She's standing right next to you."

And now it moved and went to the writing-table. I turned and followed its movements. It slid its open hands over the table, touching everything, unmistakably feeling for something it believed to be there.

And now it moved and went to the writing table. I turned and followed its movements. It slid its open hands over the table, touching everything, clearly searching for something it thought was there.

I went on. “She’s at the writing-table now. She’s looking for something.”

I continued, "She's at the writing desk right now. She's searching for something."

It stood back, baffled and distressed. Then suddenly it began opening and shutting the drawers, without a sound, searching each one in turn.

It stood back, confused and upset. Then, without warning, it started to open and close the drawers silently, checking each one in order.

I said, “Oh, she’s trying the drawers now!”

I said, “Oh, she’s checking the drawers now!”

Donald stood up. He was not looking at the place where it was. He was looking hard at me, in anxiety and a sort of fright. I supposed that was why he remained unaware of the opening and shutting of the drawers.

Donald stood up. He wasn't looking at where it was. He was focused on me, filled with anxiety and a bit of fear. I figured that was why he didn't notice the opening and closing of the drawers.

It continued its desperate searching.

It kept searching desperately.

The bottom drawer stuck fast. I saw it pull and shake it, and stand back again, baffled.

The bottom drawer was jammed shut. I tried pulling and shaking it, then stepped back, confused.

“It’s locked,” I said.

“It’s locked,” I said.

“What’s locked?”

"What's locked?"

“That bottom drawer.”

“That bottom drawer.”

“Nonsense! It’s nothing of the kind.”

“Nonsense! It’s not like that.”

“It is, I tell you. Give me the key. Oh, Donald, give it me!”

“It is, I swear. Hand me the key. Oh, Donald, just give it to me!”

He shrugged his shoulders; but all the same he felt in his pockets for the key, which he gave me with a little teasing gesture, as if he humoured a child.

He shrugged his shoulders, but still, he checked his pockets for the key, which he handed to me with a playful gesture, as if he were indulging a child.

I unlocked the drawer, pulled it out to its full length, and there, thrust away at the back, out of sight, I found the Token.

I opened the drawer, pulled it all the way out, and there, pushed to the back and out of sight, I found the Token.

I had not seen it since the day of Cicely’s death.

I hadn't seen it since the day Cicely died.

“Who put it there?” I asked.

“Who put it there?” I asked.

“I did.”

"I did."

“Well, that’s what she was looking for,” I said.

“Well, that’s what she was after,” I said.

I held out the Token to him on the palm of my hand, as if it were the proof that I had seen her.

I held the Token out to him in the palm of my hand, as if it were proof that I had seen her.

“Helen,” he said gravely, “I think you must be ill.”

“Helen,” he said seriously, “I think you might be unwell.”

“You think so? I’m not so ill that I don’t know what you put it away for,” I said. “It was because she thought you cared for it more than you did for her.”

“You think so? I’m not so out of it that I don’t know why you put it away,” I said. “It was because she believed you cared about it more than you cared about her.”

“You can remind me of that? There must be something very badly wrong with you, Helen,” he said.

“You can remind me of that? There must be something seriously off about you, Helen,” he said.

“Perhaps. Perhaps I only want to know what she wanted.... You did care for her, Donald?”

“Maybe. Maybe I just want to know what she wanted.... You did care about her, Donald?”

I couldn’t see the phantasm now, but I could feel it, close, close, vibrating, palpitating, as I drove him.

I couldn’t see the apparition now, but I could feel it, so close, vibrating, pulsing, as I drove him.

“Care?” he cried. “I was mad with caring for her! And she knew it.”

“Care?” he shouted. “I was crazy about her! And she knew it.”

“She didn’t. She wouldn’t be here now if she knew.”

“She didn’t. She wouldn’t be here now if she had known.”

At that he turned from me to his station by the chimney-piece. I followed him there.

At that, he turned away from me and went to his spot by the fireplace. I followed him there.

“What are you going to do about it?” I said.

“What are you going to do about it?” I asked.

“Do about it?”

"Do something about it?"

“What are you going to do with this?”

“What are you planning to do with this?”

I thrust the Token close towards him. He drew back, staring at it with a look of concentrated hate and loathing.

I pushed the Token close to him. He recoiled, glaring at it with intense hate and disgust.

“Do with it?” he said. “The damned thing killed her! This is what I’m going to do with it—”

“Do with it?” he said. “That damn thing killed her! This is what I’m going to do with it—”

He snatched it from my hand and hurled it with all his force against the bars of the grate. The Buddha fell, broken to bits, among the ashes.

He grabbed it from my hand and threw it with all his strength against the bars of the grate. The Buddha shattered into pieces, scattered among the ashes.

He stepped forward, opening his arms.

He stepped forward, spreading his arms wide.

Then I heard him give a short, groaning cry. He stepped forward, opening his arms, and I saw the phantasm slide between them. For a second it stood there, folded to his breast; then suddenly, before our eyes, it collapsed in a shining heap, a flicker of light on the floor, at his feet.

Then I heard him make a short, groaning sound. He stepped forward, opening his arms, and I saw the ghost slip between them. For a moment it stood there, pressed against his chest; then suddenly, right before us, it fell apart in a bright heap, a flash of light on the floor, at his feet.

Then that went out too.

Then that went out as well.

III
III

I never saw it again.

I never saw it again.

Neither did my brother. But I didn’t know this till some time afterwards; for, somehow, we hadn’t cared to speak about it. And in the end it was he who spoke first.

Neither did my brother. But I didn’t know this until some time later; for, somehow, we hadn’t felt like talking about it. And in the end, he was the one who spoke first.

We were sitting together in that room, one evening in November, when he said, suddenly and irrelevantly:

We were sitting together in that room one November evening when he suddenly and out of the blue said:

“Helen—do you never see her now?”

“Helen—do you not see her anymore?”

“No,” I said—“Never!”

“No,” I said—“Never!”

“Do you think, then, she doesn’t come?”

“Do you think she isn’t coming, then?”

“Why should she?” I said. “She found what she came for. She knows what she wanted to know.”

“Why should she?” I said. “She found what she came for. She knows what she wanted to find out.”

“And that—was what?”

"And that—what was it?"

“Why, that you loved her.”

"Why, that you loved her."

His eyes had a queer, submissive, wistful look.

His eyes had a strange, docile, longing expression.

“You think that was why she came back?” he said.

“You think that’s why she came back?” he said.

THE FLAW IN THE CRYSTAL

I
I

It was Friday, the day he always came, if (so she safeguarded it) he was to come at all. They had left it that way in the beginning, that it should be open to him to come or not to come. They had not even settled that it should be Fridays, but it always was, the week-end being the only time when he could get away; the only time, he had explained to Agatha Verrall, when getting away excited no remark. He had to, or he would have broken down. Agatha called it getting away from “things;” but she knew that there was only one thing, his wife Bella.

It was Friday, the day he always showed up, if (as she protected it) he was going to come at all. They had left it that way from the start, so he could choose to come or not. They hadn’t even decided it should be Fridays, but it always was, since the weekend was the only time he could escape; the only time, he had told Agatha Verrall, when escaping didn’t raise any eyebrows. He had to, or he would have fallen apart. Agatha called it getting away from “things;” but she knew there was really just one thing—his wife, Bella.

To be wedded to a mass of furious and malignant nerves (which was all that poor Bella was now) simply meant destruction to a man like Rodney Lanyon. Rodney’s own nerves were not as strong as they had been, after ten years of Bella’s. It had been understood for long enough (understood even by Bella) that if he couldn’t have his week-ends he was done for; he couldn’t possibly have stood the torment and the strain of her.

To be tied to a bundle of angry and hurtful emotions (which was all that poor Bella was now) meant nothing but trouble for a guy like Rodney Lanyon. Rodney’s own nerves weren’t as tough as they used to be after ten years with Bella. It had been clear for a long time (clear even to Bella) that if he couldn’t have his weekends, he was finished; he couldn’t handle the stress and pressure of her.

Of course she didn’t know he spent the greater part of them with Agatha Verrall. It was not to be desired that she should know. Her obtuseness helped them. Even in her younger and saner days she had failed, persistently, to realize any profound and poignant thing that touched him; so by the mercy of heaven she had never realized Agatha Verrall. She used to say she had never seen anything in Agatha, which amounted, as he once told her, to not seeing Agatha at all. Still less could she have compassed any vision of the tie—the extraordinary, intangible, immaterial tie that held them.

Of course, she didn’t know he spent most of his time with Agatha Verrall. It was better for her not to know. Her lack of awareness worked in their favor. Even in her younger and more rational days, she had consistently failed to grasp anything deep or emotional that affected him; so by the grace of fate, she had never understood Agatha Verrall. She used to say she had never seen anything in Agatha, which meant, as he once pointed out to her, that she didn’t see Agatha at all. Even less could she have imagined the bond—the extraordinary, intangible, immaterial connection that linked them.

Sometimes, at the last moment, his escape to Agatha would prove impossible; so they had left it further that he was to send her no forewarning; he was to come when and as he could. He could always get a room in the village inn or at the farm near by, and in Agatha’s house he would find his place ready for him, the place which had become his refuge, his place of peace.

Sometimes, at the last minute, his escape to Agatha would turn out to be impossible; so they decided that he shouldn’t give her any advance notice; he was to come when he could. He could always get a room at the village inn or at the nearby farm, and in Agatha’s house, he would find his spot ready for him, the spot that had become his refuge, his place of peace.

There was no need to prepare her. She was never not prepared. It was as if by her preparedness, by the absence of preliminaries, of adjustments and arrangements, he was always there, lodged in the innermost chamber. She had set herself apart; she had swept herself bare and scoured herself clean for him. Clean she had to be; clean from the desire that he should come; clean, above all, from the thought, the knowledge she now had, that she could make him come.

There was no need to get her ready. She was always ready. It was like her readiness, with no need for warm-ups or adjustments, meant he was always present, tucked away in her deepest self. She had distinguished herself; she had stripped herself down and purified herself for him. She had to be pure; free from the desire for him to show up; and, most importantly, free from the thought, the realization she now had, that she could make him come.

For if she had given herself up to that....

For if she had surrendered to that....

But she never had; never since the knowledge came to her; since she discovered, wonderfully, by a divine accident, that at any moment she could make him—that she had whatever it was, the power, the uncanny, unaccountable Gift.

But she never had; not since she learned it; since she found out, surprisingly, by a lucky chance, that at any moment she could create him—that she possessed whatever it was, the power, the strange, mysterious Gift.

She was beginning to see more and more how it worked; how inevitably, how infallibly it worked. She was even a little afraid of it, of what it might come to mean. It did mean that without his knowledge, separated as they were and had to be, she could always get at him.

She was starting to understand better how it worked; how inevitably, how reliably it worked. She was even a bit scared of it, of what it could mean. It did mean that without his knowledge, being apart as they were and needed to be, she could always reach him.

And supposing it came to mean that she could get at him to make him do things? Why, the bare idea of it was horrible.

And what if it meant she could manipulate him into doing things? Just thinking about it was terrifying.

Nothing could well have been more horrible to Agatha. It was the secret and the essence of their remarkable relation that she had never tried to get at him; whereas Bella had, calamitously; and still more calamitously, because of the peculiar magic that there was (there must have been) in her, Bella had succeeded. To have tried to get at him would have been for Agatha the last treachery, the last indecency; while for Rodney it would have been the destruction of her charm. She was the way of escape for him from Bella; but she had always left her door, even the innermost door, wide open; so that where shelter and protection faced him there faced him also the way of departure, the way of escape from her.

Nothing could have been more terrible for Agatha. The secret and the core of their unusual relationship was that she had never tried to reach him; while Bella had, disastrously; and even more disastrously, because of the unique charm that must have been in her, Bella had succeeded. For Agatha, attempting to reach him would have been the ultimate betrayal, the ultimate disrespect; for Rodney, it would have meant losing her charm. She was his way out from Bella, but she had always kept her door, even the innermost one, wide open; so where he found shelter and protection, he also found the exit, the way to escape from her.

And if her thought could get at him and fasten on him and shut him in there....

And if her thoughts could reach him, grab onto him, and trap him inside there...

It could, she knew; but it need not. She was really all right. Restraint had been the essence and the secret of the charm she had, and it was also the secret and the essence of her gift. Why, she had brought it to so fine a point that she could shut out, and by shutting out destroy, any feeling, any thought that did violence to any other. She could shut them all out, if it came to that, and make the whole place empty. So that, if this knowledge of her power did violence, she had only to close her door on it.

It could, she knew; but it didn't have to. She was truly okay. Restraint had been the essence and the secret of the charm she possessed, and it was also the key to her gift. She had refined it to such an extent that she could block out—and by blocking out, eliminate—any feeling or thought that conflicted with another. She could shut them all out, if it came down to it, and make the entire place feel empty. So, if this awareness of her power felt overwhelming, she just needed to close the door on it.

She closed it now on the bare thought of his coming; on the little innocent hope she had that he would come. By an ultimate refinement and subtlety of honour she refused to let even expectation cling to him.

She shut it now on the bare thought of his arrival; on the small innocent hope she had that he would come. With a final touch of refinement and subtlety of honor, she refused to let even the expectation linger around him.

But though it was dreadful to “work” her gift that way, to make him do things, there was another way in which she did work it, lawfully, sacredly, incorruptibly—the way it first came to her. She had worked it twenty times (without his knowledge, for how he would have scoffed at her) to make him well.

But even though it felt terrible to "use" her gift that way, to control him, she had another way to use it, legally, respectfully, and purely—the way it first came to her. She had used it twenty times (without him knowing, because he would have mocked her for it) to make him better.

Before it had come to her, he had been, ever since she knew him, more or less ill, more or less tormented by the nerves that were wedded so indissolubly to Bella’s. He was always, it seemed to her terror, on the verge. And she could say to herself: “Look at him now!

Before it got to her, he had been, for as long as she knew him, somewhat sick, somewhat troubled by the nerves that were so tightly connected to Bella’s. He was always, it seemed to her horror, on the edge. And she could think to herself: “Look at him now!

His abrupt, incredible recovery had been the first open manifestation of the way it worked. Not that she had tried it on him first. Before she dared do that once she had proved it on herself twenty times, till she found it infallible.

His sudden, unbelievable recovery was the first clear sign of how it worked. Not that she had tried it on him first. Before she dared do that, she made sure it worked on herself twenty times until she found it completely reliable.

But to ensure continuous results it had to be a continuous process; and in order to give herself up to it, to him (to his pitiful case), she had lately, as her friends said, “cut herself completely off.” She had gone down into Buckinghamshire and taken a small, solitary house at Sarratt End in the valley of the Chess, three miles from the nearest station. She had shut herself up in a world half a mile long; one straight hill to the north, one to the south, two strips of flat pasture, the river and the white farm-road between. A world closed east and west by the turn the valley takes there between the hills, and barred by a gate at each end of the farm-road. A land of pure curves, of delicate colours, delicate shadows; all winter through a land of grey woods and sallow fields, of ploughed hillsides pale with the white strain of the chalk. In April (it was April now) a land shining with silver and green. And the ways out of it led into lanes; it had neither sight nor hearing of the high roads beyond.

But to ensure ongoing results, it needed to be a continuous process; and to fully commit to it, to him (to his unfortunate situation), she had recently, as her friends put it, “cut herself completely off.” She had moved to Buckinghamshire and rented a small, isolated house at Sarratt End in the valley of the Chess, three miles from the nearest train station. She had isolated herself in a space half a mile long; with a straight hill to the north, another to the south, two strips of flat pasture, the river, and the white farm road in between. A world closed off to the east and west by the turn the valley makes between the hills, and blocked by a gate at each end of the farm road. A land of smooth curves, soft colors, and gentle shadows; throughout winter it was a land of gray woods and sickly fields, of plowed hillsides pale with the white strain of chalk. In April (it was April now), it was a land glowing with silver and green. The paths out led into narrow lanes; it had no sight or sound of the major roads beyond.

There were only two houses in that half-mile of valley, Agatha’s house and Woodman’s Farm.

There were just two houses in that half-mile stretch of valley: Agatha’s house and Woodman’s Farm.

Agatha’s house, white as a cutting in the chalk downs, looked south-west, up the valley and across it, to where a slender beech-wood went lightly up the hill and then stretched out in a straight line along the top, with the bare fawn-coloured flank of the ploughed land below. The farm-house looked east towards Agatha’s house across a field; a red-brick house—dull, dark red with the grey bloom of weather on it—flat-faced and flat-eyed, two windows on each side of the door and a row of five above, all nine staring at the small white house across the field. The narrow, flat farm-road linked the two.

Agatha’s house, as white as a chalk cliff, faced south-west, overlooking the valley and across it to where a slender beech forest gently climbed the hill and then extended in a straight line along the top, with the bare tan-colored slope of the plowed land below. The farmhouse looked east toward Agatha’s house across a field; a red-brick house—dull, dark red with a weathered grey finish—flat-faced and flat-eyed, with two windows on each side of the door and a row of five above, all nine staring at the small white house across the field. The narrow, flat farm road connected the two.

Except Rodney when his inn was full, nobody ever came to Woodman’s Farm; and Agatha’s house, set down inside its east gate, shared its isolation, its immunity. Two villages, unseen, unheard, served her, not a mile away. It was impossible to be more sheltered, more protected and more utterly cut off. And only fifteen miles, as the crow flies, between this solitude and London, so that it was easy for Rodney Lanyon to come down.

Except for Rodney when his inn was full, no one ever went to Woodman’s Farm; and Agatha’s house, located just inside the east gate, experienced the same isolation and detachment. Two villages, hidden and silent, were located less than a mile away. It was impossible to be more secluded, more safeguarded, and more completely cut off. Yet, just fifteen miles away, in a straight line, was London, making it easy for Rodney Lanyon to visit.

At two o’clock, the hour when he must come if he were coming, she began to listen for the click of the latch at the garden gate. She had agreed with herself that at the last moment expectancy could do no harm; it couldn’t influence him; for either he had taken the twelve-thirty train at Marylebone or he had not (Agatha was so far reasonable); so at the last moment she permitted herself that dangerous and terrible joy.

At two o'clock, the time when he should have arrived if he was coming, she started to listen for the sound of the latch at the garden gate. She had made a deal with herself that, in the final moments, hope wouldn't hurt; it couldn't change his mind; either he had taken the twelve-thirty train from Marylebone or he hadn't (Agatha was somewhat rational about it); so in those final moments, she allowed herself that risky and intense joy.

When the click came and his footsteps after it, she admitted further (now when it could do no harm) that she had had foreknowledge of him; she had been aware all the time that he would come. And she wondered, as she always wondered at his coming, whether really she would find him well, or whether this time it had incredibly miscarried. And her almost unbearable joy became suspense, became vehement desire to see him and gather from his face whether this time also it had worked.

When the click happened and she heard his footsteps afterward, she finally admitted (now that it wouldn't matter) that she had known he was coming; she had been aware the whole time. She wondered, as she always did when he arrived, whether she would actually find him well, or if this time things had somehow gone wrong. Her almost overwhelming joy turned into suspense, into a strong desire to see him and read his face to find out if it had worked again.

And she wondered whether really she would find him well ...

And she wondered if she would actually find him well...

“How are you? How have you been?” was her question when he stood before her in her white room, holding her hand for an instant.

“How are you? How have you been?” was her question when he stood in front of her in her white room, holding her hand for a moment.

“Tremendously fit,” he answered; “ever since I last saw you.”

“Tremendously fit,” he replied; “ever since I last saw you.”

“Oh—seeing me—” It was as if she wanted him to know that seeing her made no difference.

“Oh—seeing me—” It was like she wanted him to understand that seeing her didn’t change anything.

She looked at him and received her certainty. She saw him clear-eyed and young, younger than he was, his clean, bronzed face set, as it used to be, in a firmness that obliterated the lines, the little agonized lines, that had made her heart ache.

She looked at him and felt sure of herself. She saw him clearly, youthful and vibrant, younger than he really was, his clean, sun-kissed face set in a determination that erased the faint, painful lines that had once made her heart ache.

“It always does me good,” he said, “to see you.”

“It always makes me feel better,” he said, “to see you.”

“And to see you—you know what it does to me.”

“And seeing you—you know what it does to me.”

He thought he knew as he caught back his breath and looked at her, taking in again her fine whiteness, and her tenderness, her purity of line, and the secret of her eyes, whose colour (if they had colour) he was never sure about; taking in all of her, from her adorable feet to her hair, vividly dark, that sprang from the white parting like—was it like waves or wings?

He thought he understood as he caught his breath and looked at her, taking in her beautiful whiteness, her tenderness, her pure lines, and the mystery in her eyes, whose color (if they had a color) he could never quite determine; taking in all of her, from her lovely feet to her vividly dark hair, which flowed from the white parting like—was it like waves or wings?

What had once touched and moved him unspeakably in Agatha’s face was the capacity it had, latent in its tragic lines, for expressing terror. Terror was what he most dreaded for her, what he had most tried to keep her from, to keep out of her face. And latterly he had not found it; or rather he had not found the unborn, lurking spirit of it there. It had gone, that little tragic droop in Agatha’s face. The corners of her eyes and of her beautiful mouth were lifted, as if by—he could find no other word for the thing he meant but wings. She had a look which, if it were not of joy, was of something more vivid and positive than peace.

What had once deeply touched him in Agatha’s face was its ability, hidden in its tragic lines, to express fear. Fear was what he feared most for her, what he had tried hardest to protect her from, to keep out of her expression. Recently, he hadn’t seen it; or rather he hadn’t detected the dormant, lurking spirit of it there. That little tragic droop in Agatha’s face had vanished. The corners of her eyes and her beautiful mouth were lifted, as if by—he could find no other word for it but wings. She had a look which, if it wasn’t joy, was something more vibrant and positive than peace.

He put it down to their increased and undisturbed communion, made possible by her retirement to Sarratt End. Yet as he looked at her he sighed again.

He attributed it to their deeper and uninterrupted connection, which was made possible by her move to Sarratt End. Yet as he looked at her, he sighed again.

In response to his sigh she asked suddenly: “How’s Bella?”

In response to his sigh, she suddenly asked, “How’s Bella?”

His face lighted wonderfully. “It’s extraordinary,” he said; “she’s better. Miles better. In fact, if it wasn’t tempting Providence, I should say she was well. She’s been, for the last week anyhow, a perfect angel.”

His face lit up wonderfully. “It’s amazing,” he said; “she’s so much better. Way better. In fact, if it wasn’t messing with fate, I’d say she’s well. She’s been, for the last week at least, a perfect angel.”

His amazed, uncomprehending look gave her the clue to what had happened. It was another instance of the astounding and mysterious way it worked. She must have got at Bella somehow in getting at him. She saw now no end to the possibilities of the thing. There wasn’t anything so wonderful in making him what, after all, he was; but if she, Bella, had been, even for a week, a perfect angel, it had made her what she was not and never had been.

His stunned, confused expression revealed to her what had happened. It was another example of the incredible and mysterious way things operated. She must have influenced Bella in her dealings with him. Now, she could see countless possibilities in this situation. There was nothing particularly remarkable in turning him into what, after all, he was; but if she, Bella, had been, even for a week, a perfect angel, it had transformed her into someone she was not and had never been.

His next utterance came to her with no irrelevance.

His next comment came to her without any irrelevance.

“You’ve been found out.”

"You've been caught."

For a moment she wondered, had he guessed it then, her secret? He had never known anything about it, and it was not likely that he should know now. He was indeed very far from knowing when he could think that it was seeing her that did it.

For a moment, she wondered if he had figured it out, her secret. He had never known anything about it, and it was unlikely he would know now. He was definitely far from understanding when he thought that it was just seeing her that made it happen.

There was, of course, the other secret, the fact that he did see her; but she had never allowed that it was a secret, or that it need be, although they guarded it so carefully. Anybody, except Bella, who wouldn’t understand it, was welcome to know that he came to see her. He must mean that.

There was, of course, another secret, the fact that he did see her; but she had never considered it a secret, or that it needed to be, even though they kept it so carefully. Anyone, except Bella, who wouldn’t get it, was welcome to know that he came to see her. He must mean that.

“Found out?” she repeated.

“Discovered?” she repeated.

“If you haven’t been, you will be.”

“If you haven't been, you will be.”

“You mean,” she said, “Sarratt End has been found out?”

"You mean," she said, "they've figured out Sarratt End?"

“If you put it that way. I saw the Powells at the station.” (She breathed freely.)

“If you put it that way, I saw the Powells at the station.” (She took a deep breath.)

“I saw the Powells at the station.”

“I saw the Powells at the train station.”

“They told me they’d taken rooms at some farm here.”

“They said they booked rooms at a farm somewhere around here.”

“Which farm?”

"Which farm is it?"

He didn’t remember.

He forgot.

“Was it Woodman’s Farm?” she asked. And he said, “Yes, that was the name they’d told him. Whereabouts was it?”

“Was it Woodman’s Farm?” she asked. He replied, “Yeah, that was the name they told me. Where is it located?”

“Don’t you know,” she said. “That’s the name of your farm.”

“Don’t you know,” she said. “That’s the name of your farm.”

He had not known it, and was visibly annoyed at knowing it now. And Agatha herself felt some dismay. If it had been any other place but Woodman’s Farm—it stared at them; it watched them; it knew all their goings out and their comings in; it knew Rodney; not that that had mattered in the least, but the Powells, when they came, would know too.

He hadn't known it, and he was clearly irritated to find out now. Agatha felt a bit unsettled too. If it had been any other place but Woodman’s Farm—it was watching them; it was aware of everything they did; it knew Rodney; not that it made a difference, but the Powells, when they arrived, would know too.

She tried to look as if that didn’t matter either, while they faced each other in a silence, a curious, unfamiliar discomposure.

She tried to act like that didn’t matter either, while they faced each other in a silence, a strange, unfamiliar unease.

She recovered first. “After all,” she said, “why shouldn’t they?”

She was the first to recover. “After all,” she said, “why shouldn’t they?”

“Well—I thought you weren’t going to tell people.”

“Well—I thought you said you weren’t going to tell anyone.”

Her face mounted a sudden flame, a signal of resentment. She had always resented the imputation of secrecy in their relations. And now it was as if he were dragging forward the thought that she perpetually put away from her.

Her face suddenly flushed, showing her anger. She had always hated the suggestion that there was something hidden in their relationship. And now it felt like he was bringing up a thought that she always tried to push away.

“Tell about what?” she asked, coldly.

"Tell me about what?" she asked, coldly.

“About Sarratt End. I thought we’d agreed to keep it for ourselves.”

“About Sarratt End. I thought we agreed to keep it to ourselves.”

“I haven’t told everybody. But I did tell Milly Powell.”

“I haven’t told everyone. But I did tell Milly Powell.”

“My dear girl, that wasn’t very clever of you.”

“My dear girl, that wasn’t very smart of you.”

“I told her not to tell. She knows what I want to be alone for.”

“I told her not to say anything. She knows why I want to be alone.”

“Good God.” As he stared in dismay at what he judged to be her unspeakable indiscretion, the thought rushed in on her straight from him, the naked, terrible thought, that there should be anything they had to hide, they had to be alone for. She saw at the same time how defenceless he was before it; he couldn’t keep it back; he couldn’t put it away from him. It was always with him, a danger watching on his threshold.

“Good God.” As he looked in shock at what he believed to be her unforgivable mistake, the terrifying thought struck her directly from him: that there should be anything they had to hide, anything they had to keep secret. She realized at that moment how vulnerable he was to it; he couldn’t push it away; he couldn’t ignore it. It was always with him, a threat lurking at his doorstep.

“Then” (he made her face it with him) “we’re done for.”

“Then” (he made her confront it with him) “we're done for.”

“No, no,” she cried; “how could you think that? It was another thing. Something I’m trying to do.”

“No, no,” she exclaimed; “how could you think that? It was something else. It’s something I’m trying to do.”

“You told her,” he insisted. “What did you tell her?”

“You told her,” he insisted. “What did you say to her?”

“That I’m doing it. That I’m here for my health. She understands it that way.”

"That I'm taking care of myself. That I'm focusing on my health. She gets it like that."

He smiled as if he were satisfied, knowing her so well. And still his thought, his terrible, naked thought, was there. It was looking at her straight out of his eyes.

He smiled as if he were content, knowing her so well. And yet his thought, his terrifying, raw thought, was still there. It was staring at her directly from his eyes.

“Are you sure she understands?” he said.

“Are you sure she gets it?” he said.

“Yes. Absolutely.”

“Yep. Definitely.”

He hesitated, and then put it differently.

He paused, then reworded it.

“Are you sure she doesn’t understand? That she hasn’t an inkling?”

“Are you sure she doesn’t get it? That she doesn’t have a clue?”

He wasn’t sure whether Agatha understood, whether she realized the danger.

He wasn't sure if Agatha understood or if she recognized the danger.

“About you and me,” he said.

“About you and me,” he said.

“Ah, my dear, I’ve kept you secret. She doesn’t know we know each other. And if she did—”

“Ah, my dear, I’ve kept you a secret. She doesn’t know we know each other. And if she did—”

She finished it with a wonderful look, a look of unblinking yet vaguely, pitifully uncandid candour.

She completed it with an amazing expression, a look that was unblinking yet somehow, sadly, not completely sincere.

She had always met him, and would always have to meet him, with the idea that there was nothing in it; for, if she once admitted that there was anything, then they were done for. She couldn’t (how could she?) let him keep on coming with that thought in him, acknowledged by them both.

She had always met him, and would always have to meet him, thinking that there was nothing to it; because if she ever accepted that there was something there, then they were finished. She couldn’t (how could she?) allow him to keep coming with that thought in his mind, recognized by both of them.

That was where she came in, and where her secret, her gift, would work now more beneficently than ever. The beauty of it was that it would make them safe, absolutely safe. She had only got to apply it to that thought of his, and the thought would not exist. Since she could get at him, she could do for him what he, poor dear, couldn’t perhaps always do for himself; she could keep that dreadful possibility in him under; she could, in fact, make their communion all that she wanted it to be.

That was her entrance, and that was where her secret, her gift, would operate now more effectively than ever. The great thing about it was that it would ensure their safety, complete safety. She just had to apply it to his thoughts, and those thoughts would vanish. Since she could reach him, she could help him in ways he, poor thing, might not always manage on his own; she could suppress that terrible possibility within him; she could, in fact, make their connection exactly what she wanted it to be.

“I don’t like it,” he said miserably. “I don’t like it.”

“I don’t like it,” he said unhappily. “I don’t like it.”

A little line of worry was coming in his face again.

A slight look of worry was appearing on his face again.

The door opened and a maid began to go in and out, laying the table for their meal. He watched the door close on her and said, “Won’t that woman wonder what I come for?”

The door opened and a maid started coming in and out, setting the table for their meal. He watched the door close behind her and said, “Isn’t that woman going to wonder why I’m here?”

“She can see what you come for.” She smiled.

“She knows what you’re here for.” She smiled.

“Why are you spoiling it with thinking things?”

“Why are you ruining it by overthinking?”

“It’s for you I think them. I don’t mind. It doesn’t matter so much for me. But I want you to be safe.”

“It’s for you that I think of them. I don’t mind. It doesn’t bother me too much. But I want you to be safe.”

“Oh, I’m safe, my dear,” she answered.

“Oh, I’m safe, my dear,” she answered.

“You were. And you would be still, if these Powells hadn’t found you out.”

“You were. And you would still be, if these Powells hadn’t figured you out.”

He meditated.

He practiced mindfulness.

“What do you suppose they’ve come for?” he asked.

“What do you think they’re here for?” he asked.

“They’ve come, I imagine, for his health.”

“They’ve come, I guess, for his health.”

“What? To a god-forsaken place like this?”

“What? To a godforsaken place like this?”

“They know what it’s done for me. So they think, poor darlings, perhaps it may do something—even yet—for him.”

“They know what it’s done for me. So they think, poor darlings, maybe it could help him too.”

“What’s the matter with him?”

"What's wrong with him?"

“Something dreadful. And they say—incurable.”

"Something terrible. And they say—incurable."

“It isn’t—?” He paused.

“It isn’t—?” He hesitated.

“I can’t tell you what it is. It isn’t anything you’d think it was. It isn’t anything bodily.”

“I can’t explain what it is. It’s not what you might think. It’s not a physical thing.”

“I never knew it.”

"I didn't know that."

“You’re not supposed to know. And you wouldn’t, unless you did know. And please—you don’t; you don’t know anything.”

“You're not meant to know. And you wouldn't, unless you did know. And seriously—you don’t; you don’t know anything.”

He smiled. “No. You haven’t told me, have you?”

He smiled. “No. You still haven’t told me, have you?”

“I only told you because you never tell things, and because—”

“I only told you because you never share anything, and because—”

“Because?” He waited, smiling.

“Why?” He waited, smiling.

“Because I wanted you to see he doesn’t count.”

“Because I wanted you to realize he doesn’t matter.”

“Well—but she’s all right, I take it?”

“Well—but she’s good, right?”

At first she failed to grasp his implication that if, owing to his affliction, Harding Powell didn’t count, Milly, his young wife, did. Her faculties of observation and of inference would, he took it, be unimpaired.

At first, she didn't get his hint that if Harding Powell didn't matter because of his issue, Milly, his young wife, did. He assumed her ability to observe and make inferences would still be intact.

“She’ll wonder, won’t she?” he expounded.

“She’ll wonder, right?” he explained.

“About us? Not she. She’s too much wrapped up in him to notice anyone.”

“About us? Not her. She’s too wrapped up in him to notice anyone else.”

“And he?”

"And him?"

“Oh, my dear—he’s too much wrapped up in it.” Another anxiety then came to him.

“Oh, my dear—he’s too caught up in it.” Another worry then hit him.

“I say, you know, he isn’t dangerous, is he?” She laughed.

“I mean, he’s not dangerous, right?” She laughed.

“Dangerous? Oh dear me, no! A lamb.”

“Dangerous? Oh no, not at all! Just a lamb.”

II
II

She kept on saying to herself, Why shouldn’t they come? What difference did it make?

She kept telling herself, Why shouldn’t they come? What difference does it make?

Up till now she had not admitted that anything could make a difference, that anything could touch, could alter by a shade the safe, the intangible, the unique relation between her and Rodney. It was proof against anything that anybody could think. And the Powells were not given to thinking things. Agatha’s own mind had been a crystal without a flaw, in its clearness, its sincerity.

Up until now, she hadn’t acknowledged that anything could change things, that anything could affect, even slightly, the secure, the intangible, the exclusive connection between her and Rodney. It was resilient against anything anyone could conceive. And the Powells weren’t known for overthinking things. Agatha’s own mind had been as clear as a flawless crystal, marked by its clarity and sincerity.

It had to be, to ensure the blessed working of the gift; as again, it was by the blessed working of the gift that she kept it so. She could only think of that, the secret, the gift, the inexpressible thing, as itself a flawless crystal, a charmed circle; or rather, as a sphere that held all the charmed circles that you draw round things to keep them safe, to keep them holy.

It had to be, to make sure the amazing gift worked; because it was through the amazing gift that she maintained it. She could only think of that— the secret, the gift, the indescribable thing— as a perfect crystal, a magical circle; or rather, as a sphere that contained all the magical circles you draw around things to protect them, to keep them special.

She had drawn her circle round Rodney Lanyon and herself. Nobody could break it. They were supernaturally safe.

She had created a bubble around Rodney Lanyon and herself. No one could penetrate it. They felt completely secure.

And yet the presence of the Powells had made a difference. She was forced to own that, though she remained untouched, it had made a difference in him. It was as if, in the agitation produced by them, he had brushed aside some veil and had let her see something that up till now her crystal vision had refused to see, something that was more than a lurking possibility. She discovered in him a desire, an intention that up till now he had concealed from her. It had left its hiding place; it rose on terrifying wings and fluttered before her, troubling her. She was reminded that, though there were no lurking possibilities in her, with him it might be different. For him the tie between them might come to mean something it had never meant and could not mean for her, something she had refused not only to see but to foresee and provide for.

And yet the presence of the Powells had made a difference. She had to admit that, although she remained unaffected, it had changed him. It was as if, in the turmoil they created, he had lifted some sort of veil and allowed her to see something that until now her clear vision had refused to acknowledge, something that was more than just a hidden possibility. She realized in him a desire, an intention that he had kept from her until now. It had emerged from its hiding place; it soared on frightening wings and hovered in front of her, unsettling her. She was reminded that, while there weren't any hidden possibilities within her, with him it could be different. For him, the connection between them might come to mean something it had never meant and couldn’t mean for her, something she had not only refused to see but also to anticipate and plan for.

She was aware of a certain relief when Monday came and he had left her without any further unveilings and revealings. She was even glad when, about the middle of the week, the Powells came with a cart-load of luggage and settled at the farm. She said to herself that they would take her mind off him. They had a way of seizing on her and holding her attention to the exclusion of all other objects.

She felt a sense of relief when Monday arrived, and he had left her without any more secrets or surprises. She was even happy when, around the middle of the week, the Powells arrived with a cart full of luggage and took up residence at the farm. She told herself that they would distract her from him. They had a knack for capturing her focus and keeping her engaged, making her forget about everything else.

She could hardly not have been seized and held by a case so pitiful, so desperate as theirs. How pitiful and desperate it had become she learned almost at once from the face of her friend, the little pale-eyed wife, whose small, flat, flower-like features were washed out and worn fine by watchings and listenings on the border, on the threshold.

She couldn’t help but be deeply affected by a situation as heartbreaking and urgent as theirs. She realized just how hopeless it had become almost immediately by looking at her friend, the small, pale-eyed wife, whose delicate, flower-like features looked drained and weary from constantly watching and listening at the border, on the edge.

Yes, he was worse. He had had to give up his business (Harding Powell was a gentle stockbroker). It wasn’t any longer, Milly Powell intimated, a question of borders and of thresholds. They had passed all that. He had gone clean over; he was in the dreadful interior; and she, the resolute and vigilant little woman, had no longer any power to get him out. She was at the end of her tether.

Yes, he was in a worse situation. He had to give up his business (Harding Powell was a kind stockbroker). It wasn’t, as Milly Powell suggested, about boundaries and limits anymore. They had moved past all that. He had completely crossed over; he was in the terrible depths; and she, the determined and watchful little woman, had no way to bring him back. She was at her breaking point.

Agatha knew what he had been for years? Well—he was worse than that; far worse than he had been, ever. Not so bad, though, that he hadn’t intervals in which he knew how bad he was, and was willing to do everything, to try anything. They were going to try Sarratt End. It was her idea. She knew how marvellously it had answered with dear Agatha (not that Agatha ever was, or could be, where he was, poor darling). And besides, Agatha herself was an attraction. It had occurred to Milly Powell that it might do Harding good to be near Agatha. There was something about her; Milly didn’t know what it was, but she felt it, he felt it—an influence, or something, that made for mental peace. It was, Mrs. Powell said, as if she had some secret.

Agatha knew what he had been for years? Well—he was worse than that; far worse than he had ever been. Not so bad, though, that he didn’t have moments when he realized how bad he was and was willing to do anything, to try anything. They were going to try Sarratt End. It was her idea. She knew how wonderfully it had worked with dear Agatha (not that Agatha ever was, or could be, where he was, poor darling). Besides, Agatha herself was an attraction. Milly Powell thought it might do Harding good to be near Agatha. There was something about her; Milly didn’t know what it was, but she felt it, he felt it—an influence, or something, that brought mental peace. Mrs. Powell said it was as if she had some secret.

She hoped Agatha wouldn’t mind. It couldn’t possibly hurt her. He couldn’t. The darling couldn’t hurt a fly; he could only hurt himself. And if he got really bad, why then, of course, they would have to leave Sarratt End. He would have, she said sadly, to go away somewhere. But not yet—oh, not yet; he wasn’t bad enough for that. She would keep him with her up to the last possible moment—the last possible moment. Agatha could understand, couldn’t she?

She hoped Agatha wouldn’t mind. It couldn’t possibly hurt her. He couldn’t. The sweet boy couldn’t hurt a fly; he could only hurt himself. And if he got really bad, then, of course, they would have to leave Sarratt End. He would have, she said sadly, to go away somewhere. But not yet—oh, not yet; he wasn’t bad enough for that. She would keep him with her until the very last moment—the very last moment. Agatha could understand, couldn’t she?

Agatha did indeed.

Agatha certainly did.

Milly Powell smiled her desperate white smile, and went on; always with her air of appeal to Agatha. That was why she wanted to be near her. It was awful not to be near somebody who understood, who would understand him. For Agatha would understand—wouldn’t she?—that to a certain extent he must be given in to? That—apart from Agatha—was why they had chosen Sarratt End. It was the sort of place—wasn’t it?—where you would go if you didn’t want people to get at you; where (Milly’s very voice became furtive as she explained it) you could hide. His idea—his last—seemed to be that something was trying to get at him.

Milly Powell flashed a desperate white smile and continued on, always seeking Agatha's understanding. That's why she wanted to be close to her. It was terrible not to be near someone who got it, who would get him. Because Agatha would understand—wouldn’t she?—that to some extent he needed to give in? That—besides Agatha—was why they chose Sarratt End. It was the kind of place—wasn’t it?—where you would go if you didn’t want anyone bothering you; where (Milly’s voice lowered as she explained) you could hide. His last idea seemed to be that something was trying to reach him.

No, not people. Something worse, something terrible. It was always after him. The most piteous thing about him—piteous but adorable—was that he came to her—to her, imploring her to hide him.

No, not people. Something worse, something terrible. It was always after him. The most heartbreaking thing about him—heartbreaking but endearing—was that he came to her—to her, begging her to hide him.

And so she had hidden him here.

And so she had hidden him here.

Agatha took in her friend’s high courage as she looked at the eyes where fright barely fluttered under the poised suspense. She approved of the plan. It appealed to her by its sheer audacity. She murmured that if there were anything that she could do, Milly had only to come to her.

Agatha admired her friend's bravery as she noticed the calmness in her eyes, which showed only a hint of fear beneath the tense anticipation. She liked the idea. Its boldness fascinated her. She quietly offered that if there was anything she could do, Milly just needed to reach out to her.

Oh, well, Milly had come. What she wanted Agatha to do—if she saw him and he should say anything about it—was simply to take the line that he was safe.

Oh, well, Milly had come. What she wanted Agatha to do—if she saw him and he said anything about it—was simply to act as if he was fine.

Agatha said that was the line she did take. She wasn’t going to let herself think, and Milly mustn’t think—not for a moment—that he wasn’t, that there was anything to be afraid of.

Agatha said that was the stance she chose. She wasn’t going to let herself think, and Milly mustn’t think—not for a second—that he wasn’t, that there was anything to be scared of.

“Anything to be afraid of here. That’s my point,” said Milly.

“Is there anything to be scared of here? That’s what I’m trying to say,” Milly said.

“Mine is that here or anywhere—wherever he is—there mustn’t be any fear. How can he get better if we keep him wrapped in it? You’re not afraid. You’re not afraid.”

“Mine is that here or anywhere—wherever he is—there shouldn’t be any fear. How can he get better if we keep him wrapped in it? You’re not afraid. You’re not afraid.”

Persistent, invincible affirmation was part of her method, her secret.

Persistent, unbeatable affirmation was a key part of her approach, her secret.

Milly replied a little wearily (she knew nothing about the method).

Milly replied a bit tiredly (she didn't know anything about the method).

“I haven’t time to be afraid,” she said. “And as long as you’re not—”

“I don’t have time to be scared,” she said. “And as long as you’re not—”

“It’s you who matter,” Agatha cried. “You’re so near him. Don’t you realize what it means to be so near?”

“It’s you who matter,” Agatha shouted. “You’re so close to him. Don’t you get what it means to be that close?”

Milly smiled sadly, tenderly. (As if she didn’t know!)

Milly smiled sadly and lovingly. (As if she didn’t know!)

“My dear, that’s all that keeps me going. I’ve got to make him feel that he’s protected.”

“My dear, that's all that keeps me going. I need to make him feel that he's safe.”

“He is protected,” said Agatha.

"He is protected," said Agatha.

Already she was drawing her charmed circle round him.

Already, she was creating her enchanted circle around him.

“As long as I hold out. If I give in he’s done for.”

“As long as I can hang on. If I give in, he’s finished.”

“You mustn’t think it. You mustn’t say it!”

“You can’t think it. You can’t say it!”

“But—I know it. Oh, my dear! I’m all he’s got.”

“But—I know it. Oh, my dear! I’m all he has.”

At that she looked for a moment as if she might break down. She said the terrible part of it was that they were left so much alone. People were beginning to shrink from him, to be afraid of him.

At that, she looked for a moment like she might break down. She said the worst part was that they were left so much alone. People were starting to pull away from him, to be scared of him.

“You know,” said Agatha, “I’m not. You must bring him to see me.”

“You know,” Agatha said, “I’m not. You have to bring him to see me.”

The little woman had risen, as she said, “to go to him.” She stood there, visibly hesitating. She couldn’t bring him. He wouldn’t come. Would Agatha go with her and see him?

The little woman had gotten up, as she said, “to go to him.” She stood there, clearly unsure. She couldn’t bring him. He wouldn’t come. Would Agatha go with her to see him?

Agatha went.

Agatha left.

As they approached the farm, she saw to her amazement that the door was shut and the blinds, the ugly, ochreish yellow blinds, were down in all the nine windows of the front, the windows of the Powells’ rooms. The house was like a house of the dead.

As they got closer to the farm, she was shocked to see that the door was closed and the ugly, dull yellow blinds were pulled down in all nine windows at the front, the windows of the Powells’ rooms. The house looked like a haunted place.

“Do you get the sun on this side?” she said; and as she said it she realized the stupidity of her question; for the nine windows looked to the east, and the sun, wheeling down the west, had been in their faces as they came.

“Do you get the sun on this side?” she asked, and as she spoke, she realized how silly her question was; because the nine windows faced east, and the sun, moving across the west, had been shining in their faces as they arrived.

Milly answered mechanically, “No, we don’t get any sun.” She added with an irrelevance that was only apparent, “I’ve had to take all four rooms to keep other people out.”

Milly replied flatly, “No, we don’t get any sun.” She added, seemingly off-topic, “I’ve had to take all four rooms to keep other people out.”

“They never come,” said Agatha.

“They never come,” Agatha said.

“No,” said Milly, “but if they did—”

“No,” Milly said, “but if they did—”

The front door was locked. Milly had the key. When they had entered Agatha saw her turn it in the lock again, slowly and without a sound.

The front door was locked. Milly had the key. When they walked in, Agatha saw her turn it in the lock again, slowly and silently.

All the doors were shut in the passage, and it was dark there. Milly opened a door on the left at the foot of the steep stairs.

All the doors were closed in the hallway, and it was dark there. Milly opened a door on the left at the bottom of the steep stairs.

“He will be in here,” she said.

“He'll be in here,” she said.

Milly opened the door on the left ...

Milly opened the door on the left ...

The large room was lit with a thick ochreish light through the squares of its drawn blinds. It ran the whole width of the house and had a third window looking west where the yellow light prevailed. A horrible light it was. It cast thin, turbid, brown shadows on the walls.

The spacious room was filled with a deep yellowish light coming through the slats of the closed blinds. It stretched across the entire width of the house and had a third window facing west where the yellow light dominated. It was an awful light. It created thin, murky, brown shadows on the walls.

Harding Powell was sitting between the drawn blinds, alone in the black hollow of the chimney place. He crouched in his chair, and his bowed back was towards them as they stood there on the threshold.

Harding Powell was sitting between the closed blinds, alone in the dark space of the fireplace. He hunched in his chair, his bent back facing them as they stood there in the doorway.

“Harding,” said Milly, “Agatha has come to see you.”

“Harding,” Milly said, “Agatha is here to see you.”

He turned in his chair and rose as they entered.

He turned in his chair and got up as they walked in.

His chin was sunk on his chest, and the first thing Agatha noticed was the difficult, slow, forward-thrusting movement with which he lifted it. His eyes seemed to come up last of all from the depths to meet her. With a peculiar foreign courtesy he bowed his head again over her hand as he held it.

His chin was dropped onto his chest, and the first thing Agatha noticed was the tough, slow, forward movement he made as he lifted it. His eyes seemed to be the last thing to rise from the depths to meet hers. With a unique foreign courtesy, he bowed his head again over her hand as he held it.

He apologized for the darkness in which they found him. Harding Powell’s manners had always been perfect, and it struck Agatha as strange and pathetic that his malady should have left untouched the incomparable quality he had.

He apologized for the darkness he was in. Harding Powell had always had perfect manners, and Agatha found it strange and sad that his illness hadn't affected the exceptional quality he had.

Milly went to the windows and drew the blinds up. The light revealed him in his exquisite perfection, his small fragile finish. He was fifty or thereabouts, but slight as a boy, and nervous, and dark as Englishmen are dark; jaw and chin shaven; his mouth hidden by the straight droop of his moustache. From the eyes downwards the outlines of his face and features were of an extreme regularity and a fineness undestroyed by the work of the strained nerves on the sallow, delicate texture. But his eyes, dark like an animal’s, were the eyes of a terrified thing, a thing hunted and on the watch, a thing that listened continually for the soft feet of the hunter. Above these eyes his brows were twisted, were tortured with his terror.

Milly went to the windows and pulled up the blinds. The light revealed him in his stunning perfection, his small, delicate features. He was about fifty, but slender like a boy, jittery, and dark-skinned like many Englishmen; his jaw and chin were clean-shaven, and his mouth was hidden by the straight droop of his mustache. Below his eyes, the contours of his face and features were extremely regular and refined, untouched by the strain of his nerves on his pale, delicate skin. But his eyes, dark like an animal's, were filled with fear, as if he were a hunted creature always alert, constantly listening for the soft footsteps of a pursuer. Above those eyes, his brows were twisted and contorted with terror.

He turned to his wife.

He turned to his wife.

“Did you lock the door, dear?” he said.

“Did you lock the door, honey?” he said.

“I did. But you know, Harding, we needn’t—here.”

“I did. But you know, Harding, we don’t need to—here.”

He shivered slightly and began to walk up and down before the hearthplace. When he had his back to Milly, Milly followed him with her eyes of anguish; when he turned and faced her, she met him with her white smile.

He shivered a little and started pacing in front of the fireplace. When he had his back to Milly, she watched him with a look of distress; when he turned to face her, she greeted him with a bright smile.

Presently he spoke again. He wondered whether they would object to his drawing the blinds down. He was afraid he would have to. Otherwise, he said, he would be seen.

Presently, he spoke again. He wondered if they would mind him closing the blinds. He was worried he would have to. Otherwise, he said, he would be seen.

Milly laid her hand on the arm that he stretched towards the window.

Milly placed her hand on the arm he had extended toward the window.

“Darling,” she said, “you’ve forgotten. You can’t possibly be seen—here. It’s just the one place—isn’t it, Agatha?—where you can’t be.” Her eyes signalled to Agatha to support her. (Not but what she had perfect confidence in the plan.)

“Sweetheart,” she said, “you’ve forgotten. You can’t be seen—here. It’s the one place—right, Agatha?—where you can’t be.” Her eyes signaled Agatha to back her up. (Not that she didn’t have complete confidence in the plan.)

It was, Agatha assented. “And Agatha knows,” said Milly.

It was, Agatha agreed. "And Agatha knows," Milly said.

He shivered again. He had turned to Agatha.

He shivered again. He had turned to Agatha.

“Forgive me if I suggest that you cannot really know. Heaven forbid that you should know.”

“Please forgive me for suggesting that you can’t truly know. God forbid you would know.”

Milly, intent on her “plan,” persisted.

Milly, focused on her “plan,” kept at it.

“But, dearest, you said yourself it was. The one place.”

“But, my love, you said it yourself; it was the one place.”

“I said that? When did I say it?”

“I said that? When did I say that?”

“Yesterday.”

"Yesterday."

“Yesterday? I daresay. But I didn’t sleep last night. It wouldn’t let me.”

“Yesterday? I think so. But I couldn’t sleep last night. It wouldn’t let me.”

“Very few people do sleep,” said Agatha, “for the first time in a strange place.”

“Very few people actually sleep,” Agatha said, “when they’re in a strange place for the first time.”

“The place isn’t strange. That’s what I complain of. That’s what keeps me awake. No place ever will be strange when It’s there. And it was there last night.”

“The place isn’t weird. That’s what I’m frustrated about. That’s what keeps me up at night. No place will ever feel weird when it’s there. And it was there last night.”

“No place ever will be strange when It’s there.”

“No place will ever feel strange when it’s there.”

“Darling—” Milly murmured.

"Hey babe—" Milly murmured.

“You know what I mean,” he said. “The Thing that keeps me awake. Of course if I’d slept last night I’d have known it wasn’t there. But when I didn’t sleep—”

“You know what I mean,” he said. “The thing that keeps me awake. Of course, if I’d slept last night, I’d have realized it wasn’t there. But since I didn’t sleep—”

He left it to them to draw the only possible conclusion.

He left it up to them to reach the only conclusion that made sense.

They dropped the subject. They turned to other things and talked a little while, sitting with him in his room with the drawn blinds. From time to time when they appealed to him he gave an urbane assent, a murmur, a suave motion of his hand. When the light went they lit a lamp. Agatha stayed and dined with them, that being the best thing she could do.

They dropped the topic. They moved on to other things and chatted for a bit, sitting with him in his room with the blinds closed. Occasionally, when they asked for his input, he would nod in agreement, murmur a response, or give a smooth wave of his hand. When it got dark, they lit a lamp. Agatha stayed and had dinner with them, which was the best thing she could do.

At nine o’clock she rose and said good-night to Harding Powell. He smiled a drawn smile.

At nine o'clock, she got up and said goodnight to Harding Powell. He managed a strained smile.

“Ah—if I could sleep—,” he said.

“Ah—if I could just get some sleep—,” he said.

“That’s the worst of it—his not sleeping,” said Milly at the gate.

"That’s the worst part—he's not sleeping," Milly said at the gate.

“He will sleep. He will sleep,” said Agatha.

“He will sleep. He will sleep,” Agatha said.

Milly sighed. She knew he wouldn’t.

Milly sighed. She knew he wouldn't.

The plan, she said, was no good after all. It wouldn’t work.

The plan, she said, was pointless after all. It wouldn’t work.

III
III

How could it? There was nothing behind it. All Milly’s plans had been like that; they fell to dust; they were dust. There had been always that pitiful, desperate stirring of the dust to hide the terror; the futile throwing of the dust in the poor thing’s eyes. As if he couldn’t see through it. As if, with the supernatural ludicity, the invincible cunning of the insane, he didn’t see through anything and provide for it. It was really only his indestructible urbanity, persisting through the wreck of him, that bore, tolerantly, temperately, with Milly and her plans. Without it he might be dangerous. With it, as long as it lasted, little Milly, plan as she would, was safe.

How could it? There was nothing behind it. All of Milly's plans had been like that; they crumbled to dust; they were dust. There was always that sad, desperate attempt to stir up the dust to cover up the fear; the useless throwing of dust in the poor thing's eyes. As if he couldn't see through it. As if, with a supernatural clarity and the relentless cunning of someone insane, he didn’t see through anything and prepare for it. It was really only his unbreakable politeness, continuing through the mess of him, that patiently and calmly dealt with Milly and her plans. Without it, he could be dangerous. With it, as long as it lasted, little Milly, no matter how much she planned, was safe.

But they couldn’t count on its lasting. Agatha had realized that from the moment when she had seen him draw down the blind again after his wife had drawn it up. That was the maddest thing he had done yet. She had shuddered at it as at an act of violence. It outraged, cruelly, his exquisite quality. It was so unlike him.

But they couldn’t rely on it lasting. Agatha had figured that out the moment she saw him pull down the blind again after his wife had lifted it. That was the craziest thing he had done so far. She shuddered at it like it was an act of violence. It cruelly violated his exquisite nature. It was so unlike him.

She was not sure that Milly hadn’t even made things worse by her latest plan, the flight to Sarratt End. It emphasized the fact that they were flying, that they had to fly. It had brought her to the house with the drawn blinds in the closed, barred valley, to the end of the world, to the end of her tether. And when she realized that it was the end, when he realized it....

She wasn’t sure if Milly had made things worse with her latest idea, the flight to Sarratt End. It highlighted the fact that they were flying, that they had no choice but to fly. It had led her to the house with the drawn blinds in the closed, blocked valley, to the end of the world, to the end of her rope. And when she realized that it was the end, when he realized it....

Agatha couldn’t leave him there. She couldn’t (when she had the secret) leave him to poor Milly and her plans. That had been in her mind when she had insisted on it that he would sleep.

Agatha couldn't just leave him there. She couldn't, especially since she had the secret, leave him to poor Milly and her plans. That was what she had been thinking when she had insisted that he needed to sleep.

She knew what Milly meant by her sigh and the look she gave her. If Milly could have been impolite she would have told her that it was all very well to say so, but how were they going to make him? And she, too, felt that something more was required of her than that irritating affirmation. She had got to make him. His case, his piteous case, cried out for an extension of the gift.

She understood what Milly meant by her sigh and the look she gave her. If Milly had felt she could be rude, she would have pointed out that it was easy to say that, but how were they actually going to make him? And she also sensed that something more was expected of her than that annoying agreement. She had to make him happen. His situation, his sad situation, demanded a further expression of the gift.

She hadn’t any doubt as to its working. There were things she didn’t know about it yet, but she was sure of that. She had proved it by a hundred experimental intermissions, abstentions, and recoveries. In order to be sure you had only to let go and see how you got on without it. She had tried in that way, with scepticism and precaution, on herself.

She had no doubt about it working. There were things she didn’t know yet, but she was confident in that. She had proven it through countless experiments, pauses, and recoveries. To be sure, all you had to do was let go and see how you managed without it. She had tried that approach, with skepticism and caution, on herself.

But not in the beginning. She could not say that she had tried it in the beginning at all, even on herself. It had simply come to her, as she put it, by a divine accident. Heaven knew she had needed it. She had been, like Rodney Lanyon, on the verge, where he, poor dear, had brought her; so impossible had it been then to bear her knowledge and, what was worse, her divination of the things he bore from Bella. It was her divination, her compassion, that had wrecked her as she stood aside, cut off from him, he on the verge and she near it, looking on, powerless to help while Bella tore at him. Talk of the verge, the wonder was they hadn’t gone clean over it, both of them.

But not at first. She couldn't say that she had tried it at all from the beginning, even on herself. It had just happened to her, as she put it, by a stroke of luck. God knew she had needed it. She had been, like Rodney Lanyon, on the edge, where he, poor dear, had led her; it had been so impossible then to handle her knowledge and, worse, her ability to sense the things he was carrying from Bella. It was her ability to sense, her compassion, that had destroyed her as she stood apart, cut off from him, he on the edge and she close to it, watching helplessly while Bella clawed at him. Speaking of being on the edge, the miracle was that they hadn’t both fallen over it completely.

She couldn’t say then from what region, what tract of unexplored, incredible mystery her help had come. It came one day, one night when she was at her worst. She remembered how, with some resurgent, ultimate instinct of surrender, she had sunk on the floor of her room, flung out her arms across the bed in the supreme gesture of supplication, and thus gone, eyes shut and with no motion of thought or sense in her, clean into the blackness where, as if it had been waiting for her, the thing had found her.

She couldn't tell back then where her help had come from, what unknown, incredible mystery had reached out to her. It arrived one day, one night when she was at her lowest. She remembered how, with a deep instinct to give in, she had collapsed on the floor of her room, thrown her arms across the bed in a final plea, and then slipped away, eyes closed and without any thought or awareness, deep into the darkness where, as if it had been waiting for her, the thing had found her.

It had found her. Agatha was precise on that point. She had not found it. She had not even stumbled on it, blundered up against it in the blackness. The way it worked, the wonder of her instantaneous well-being, had been the first, the very first hint she had that it was there.

It had found her. Agatha was clear about that. She hadn’t found it. She hadn’t even accidentally come across it in the darkness. The way it operated, the amazing feeling of her instant well-being, had been the very first clue she had that it was there.

She had never quite recaptured her primal, virgin sense of it; but to set against that, she had entered more and more into possession. She had found out the secret of its working and had controlled it, reduced it to an almost intelligible method. You could think of it as a current of transcendent power, hitherto mysteriously inhibited. You made the connection, having cut off all other currents that interfered, and then you simply turned it on. In other words, if you could put it into words at all, you shut your eyes and ears, you closed up the sense of touch, you made everything dark around you and withdrew into your innermost self; you burrowed deep into the darkness there till you got beyond it; you tapped the Power, as it were, underground at any point you pleased and turned it on in any direction.

She had never really regained her original, untouched feeling about it; but in contrast, she had increasingly gained control. She had discovered how it worked and managed to break it down into a nearly understandable process. You could see it as a flow of extraordinary energy that had previously been constrained. You made the connection by eliminating all other distractions, and then you just turned it on. In simpler terms, if you could even describe it, you shut your eyes and ears, blocked your sense of touch, created darkness all around you, and retreated into your deepest self; you dug down into that darkness until you transcended it; you accessed the Power, so to speak, underground at any point you wanted and directed it wherever you chose.

She could turn it on to Harding Powell without any loss to Rodney Lanyon; for it was immeasurable, inexhaustible.

She could direct it at Harding Powell without any harm to Rodney Lanyon; because it was limitless, endless.

She looked back at the farm-house with its veiled windows. Formless and immense, the shadow of Harding Powell swayed uneasily on one of the yellow blinds. Across the field her own house showed pure and dim against the darkening slope behind it, showed washed and watered white in the liquid, lucid twilight. Her house was open always and on every side; it flung out its casement arms to the night and to the day. And now all the lamps were lit, every doorway was a golden shaft, every window a golden square; the whiteness of its walls quivered and the blurred edges flowed into the dark of the garden. It was the fragile shell of a sacred and a burning light.

She looked back at the farmhouse with its covered windows. Formless and huge, Harding Powell's shadow swayed uneasily on one of the yellow blinds. Across the field, her own house appeared pure and faint against the darkening slope behind it, looking washed and bright white in the soft, clear twilight. Her house was always open on every side; it extended its welcoming arms to the night and the day. Now all the lamps were on, every doorway was a golden beam, every window a golden square; the whiteness of its walls shimmered, and the blurred edges blended into the darkness of the garden. It was the delicate shell of a sacred and vibrant light.

She did not go in all at once. She crossed the river and went up the hill through the beech-wood. She walked there every evening in the darkness, calling her thoughts home to sleep. The Easter moon, golden-white and holy, looked down at her, shrined under the long, sharp arch of the beech-trees; it was like going up and up towards a dim sanctuary where the holiest sat enshrined. A sense of consecration was upon her. It came, solemn and pure and still, out of the tumult of her tenderness and pity; but it was too awful for pity and for tenderness; it aspired like a flame and lost itself in light; it grew like a wave till it was vaster than any tenderness or any pity. It was as if her heart rose on the swell of it and was carried away into a rhythm so tremendous that her own pulses of compassion were no longer felt, or felt only as the hushed and delicate vibration of the wave. She recognized her state. It was the blessed state desired as the condition of the working of the gift.

She didn’t go in all at once. She crossed the river and headed up the hill through the beech woods. She walked there every evening in the darkness, calling her thoughts home to rest. The Easter moon, shining golden-white and sacred, looked down at her, framed by the long, sharp arch of the beech trees; it felt like climbing higher toward a dim sanctuary where the most sacred was enshrined. A sense of reverence was upon her. It came, solemn and pure and still, emerging from the chaos of her tenderness and compassion; but it was too overwhelming for pity and tenderness; it aspired like a flame and dissolved into light; it grew like a wave until it became larger than any tenderness or pity. It was as if her heart rose with it and was swept away into a rhythm so immense that she no longer felt her own pulses of compassion, or felt them only as the soft and delicate vibration of the wave. She recognized her state. It was the blessed state sought as the condition for the gift to work.

She turned when the last arch of the beech-trees broke and opened to the sky at the top of the hill, where the moon hung in immensity, free of her hill, free of the shrine that held her. She went down with slow soft footsteps as if she carried herself, her whole fragile being, as a vessel, a crystal vessel for the holy thing, and was careful lest a touch of the earth should jar and break her.

She turned when the last arch of the beech trees broke and opened up to the sky at the top of the hill, where the moon hung in its vastness, free from the hill, free from the shrine that contained her. She descended with slow, soft steps as if she were carrying herself, her whole delicate being, like a vessel, a crystal vessel for something sacred, and was careful to avoid any touch of the earth that might jolt and shatter her.

IV
IV

She went still more gently and with half-shut eyes through her illuminated house. She turned the lights out in her room and undressed herself in the darkness. She laid herself on the bed with straight lax limbs, with arms held apart a little from her body, with eyelids shut lightly on her eyes; all fleshly contacts were diminished.

She moved quietly, with her eyes half-closed, through her brightly lit house. She switched off the lights in her room and took off her clothes in the dark. She lay down on the bed with her limbs relaxed and straight, her arms slightly away from her body, and her eyelids gently closed; all physical connections were minimized.

It was now as if her being drank at every pore the swimming darkness; as if the rhythm of her heart and of her breath had ceased in the pulse of its invasion. She sank in it and was covered with wave upon wave of darkness. She sank and was upheld; she dissolved and was gathered together again, a flawless crystal. She was herself the heart of the charmed circle, poised in the ultimate unspeakable stillness, beyond death, beyond birth, beyond the movement, the vehemence, the agitations of the world. She drew Harding Powell into it and held him there.

It was as if her being absorbed the overwhelming darkness from every pore; as if the rhythm of her heart and breath had stopped in the pulse of its invasion. She sank into it, covered by wave after wave of darkness. She sank and was supported; she dissolved and then came back together again, like a flawless crystal. She was the center of the enchanted circle, balanced in a deep, indescribable stillness, beyond death, beyond birth, beyond the movement, the intensity, the turmoil of the world. She pulled Harding Powell into it and held him there.

To draw him to any purpose she had first to loosen and destroy the fleshly, sinister image of him that, for the moment of evocation, hung like a picture on the darkness. In a moment the fleshly image receded, it sank back into the darkness. His name, Harding Powell, was now the only earthly sign of him that she suffered to appear. In the third moment his name was blotted out. And then it was as if she drew him by intangible, supersensible threads; she touched, with no sense of peril, his innermost essence; the walls of flesh were down between them; she had got at him.

To connect with him for any reason, she first had to break down and eliminate the physical, dark image of him that lingered like a picture in the darkness. In an instant, that physical image faded away, retreating back into the shadows. His name, Harding Powell, was the only earthly sign of him that she allowed to surface. Within moments, even his name disappeared. Then it felt like she was pulling him toward her with invisible, otherworldly threads; she reached into his deepest essence without any sense of danger; the barriers of flesh were gone between them; she had truly accessed him.

And having got at him she held him, a bloodless spirit, a bodiless essence, in the fount of healing. She said to herself, “He will sleep now. He will sleep. He will sleep.” And as she slid into her own sleep she held and drew him with her.

And after she caught him, she held him, a lifeless soul, an ethereal presence, in the source of healing. She thought to herself, “He will rest now. He will rest. He will rest.” And as she drifted into her own sleep, she embraced and pulled him along with her.

He would sleep; he would be all right as long as she slept. Her sleep, she had discovered, did more than carry on the amazing act of communion and redemption. It clinched it. It was the seal on the bond.

He would sleep; he would be fine as long as she slept. Her sleep, she had realized, did more than continue the incredible process of connection and salvation. It confirmed it. It was the seal on the bond.

Early the next morning she went over to the Farm. The blinds were up; the doors and windows were flung open. Milly met her at the garden gate. She stopped her and walked a little way with her across the field. “It’s worked,” she said. “It’s worked after all, like magic.” For a moment Agatha wondered whether Milly had guessed anything; whether she divined the Secret and had brought him there for that, and had refused to acknowledge it before she knew.

Early the next morning, she went over to the Farm. The blinds were up; the doors and windows were wide open. Milly met her at the garden gate. She stopped her and walked with her a little way across the field. “It worked,” she said. “It really worked, like magic.” For a moment, Agatha wondered if Milly had figured anything out; if she sensed the Secret and had brought him there for that reason, and had chosen not to acknowledge it until she was sure.

“What has?” she asked.

"What happened?" she asked.

“The plan. The place. He slept last night. Ten hours straight on end. I know, for I stayed awake and watched him. And this morning—oh, my dear, if you could see him! He’s all right. He’s all right.”

“The plan. The place. He slept last night. Ten hours straight through. I know because I stayed awake and watched him. And this morning—oh, my dear, if you could see him! He’s fine. He’s fine.”

“And you think,” said Agatha, “it’s the place?”

“And you think,” Agatha said, “it’s the right spot?”

Milly knew nothing, guessed, divined nothing.

Milly didn't know anything, didn't guess, didn't figure anything out.

“Why, what else can it be?” she said.

“Why, what else could it be?” she said.

“What does he think?”

“What does he think?”

“He doesn’t think. He can’t account for it. He says himself it’s miraculous.”

“He doesn’t think. He can’t explain it. He says it’s miraculous.”

“Perhaps,” said Agatha, “it is.”

“Maybe,” said Agatha, “it is.”

They were silent a moment over the wonder of it.

They were quiet for a moment, amazed by it.

“I can’t get over it,” said Milly presently. “It’s so odd that it should make all that difference. I could understand it if it had worked that way at first. But it didn’t. Think of him yesterday. And yet—if it isn’t the place, what is it? What is it?”

“I just can’t believe it,” Milly said after a moment. “It’s so strange that it makes such a difference. I could get it if it had been that way from the start. But it wasn’t. Look at him yesterday. And yet—if it’s not the place, then what is it? What is it?”

Agatha did not answer. She wasn’t going to tell Milly what it was. If she did, Milly wouldn’t believe her, and Milly’s unbelief might work against it. It might prove, for all she knew, an inimical, disastrous power.

Agatha didn’t respond. She wasn’t going to share with Milly what it was. If she did, Milly wouldn’t believe her, and Milly’s disbelief could be harmful. It could turn out, for all she knew, to be a hostile, disastrous power.

“Come and see for yourself.” Milly spoke as if it had been Agatha who doubted.

“Come and see for yourself.” Milly said as if Agatha were the one doubting.

They turned again towards the house. Powell had come out and was in the garden, leaning on the gate. They could see how right he was by the mere fact of his being there, presenting himself like that to the vivid light.

They turned back towards the house. Powell had come out and was in the garden, leaning on the gate. They could tell how right he was just by the fact that he was there, standing in front of the bright light.

He opened the gate for them, raising his hat and smiling as they came. His face witnessed to the wonder worked on him. The colour showed clean, purged of his taint. His eyes were candid and pure under brows smoothed by sleep.

He opened the gate for them, tipping his hat and smiling as they approached. His face revealed the amazement that had transformed him. The color looked fresh, free from his old stains. His eyes were clear and innocent beneath brows relaxed from sleep.

As they went in he stood for a moment in the open doorway and looked at the view, admiring the river and the green valley and the bare upland fields under the wood. He had always had (it was part of his rare quality) a prodigious capacity for admiration.

As they entered, he paused for a moment in the open doorway and took in the view, appreciating the river, the green valley, and the bare upland fields beneath the trees. He had always possessed (it was part of his unique character) an amazing ability to admire.

“My God,” he said, “how beautiful the world is!”

“My God,” he said, “how beautiful the world is!”

He looked at Milly. “And all that isn’t a patch on my wife.”

He looked at Milly. “And none of that compares to my wife.”

He looked at her with tenderness and admiration, and the look was the flower, the perfection of his sanity.

He gazed at her with warmth and respect, and that gaze was the blossom, the essence of his clarity.

Milly drew in her breath with a little sound like a sob. Her joy was so great that it was almost unbearable.

Milly took a breath that sounded a bit like a sob. Her happiness was so immense that it felt nearly overwhelming.

Then he looked at Agatha and admired the green gown she wore. “You don’t know,” he said, “how exquisitely right you are.”

Then he looked at Agatha and admired the green dress she was wearing. “You have no idea,” he said, “how perfectly suited you are.”

She smiled. She knew how exquisitely right he was.

She smiled. She knew how perfectly right he was.

V
V

Night after night, she continued and without an effort. It was as easy as drawing your breath; it was indeed the breath you drew. She found that she had no longer to devote hours to Harding Powell, any more than she gave hours to Rodney; she could do his business in moments, in points of inappreciable time. It was as if from night to night the times swung together and made one enduring timeless time. For the process belonged to a region that was not of times or time.

Night after night, she kept going effortlessly. It was as easy as breathing; it was literally the breath she took. She realized she no longer had to spend hours on Harding Powell, just like she didn't on Rodney; she could handle his business in moments, in tiny bits of time. It was as if every night, the moments blended together into one endless, timeless time. The process belonged to a realm that was beyond any concept of time.

She wasn’t afraid, then, of not giving enough time to it, but she was afraid of omitting it altogether. She knew that every intermission would be followed by a relapse, and Harding’s state did not admit of any relapses.

She wasn’t afraid of not giving it enough time, but she was afraid of leaving it out completely. She understood that every break would lead to a setback, and Harding's condition couldn’t handle any setbacks.

Of course, if time had counted, if the thing was measurable, she would have been afraid of losing hold of Rodney Lanyon. She held him now by a single slender thread, and the thread was Bella. She “worked” it regularly now through Bella. He was bound to be all right as long as Bella was; for his possibilities of suffering were thus cut off at their source. Besides, it was the only way to preserve the purity of her intention, the flawlessness of the crystal.

Of course, if time had mattered, if it could be measured, she would have been worried about losing touch with Rodney Lanyon. Right now, she was holding on to him by a single thin thread, and that thread was Bella. She regularly maintained that connection through Bella. He was sure to be okay as long as Bella was; this way, his chances of suffering were eliminated at the source. Plus, it was the only way to keep her intentions pure, the clarity of the crystal intact.

That was the blessedness of her attitude to Harding Powell. It was passionless, impersonal. She wanted nothing of Harding Powell except to help him, and to help Milly, dear little Milly. And never before had she been given so complete, so overwhelming a sense of having helped. It was nothing—unless it was a safeguard against vanity—that they didn’t know it, that they persisted in thinking it was Milly’s plan that worked. Not that that altogether accounted for it to Harding Powell. He said so at last to Agatha.

That was the beauty of her attitude toward Harding Powell. It was emotionless and impersonal. She wanted nothing from Harding Powell except to help him and to support Milly, sweet little Milly. And she had never before felt such a complete, overwhelming sense of having helped. It didn’t matter—unless it was a way to avoid being vain—that they didn’t realize it, that they continued to believe it was Milly’s plan that succeeded. Not that this fully explained it to Harding Powell. He finally told Agatha as much.

They were returning, he and she, by the edge of the wood at the top of the steep field after a long walk. He had asked her to go with him—it was her country—for a good stretch, further than Milly’s little feet could carry her. They stood a moment up there and looked around them. April was coming on, but the ploughed land at their feet was still bare; the earth waited. On that side of the valley she was delicately unfruitful, spent with rearing the fine, thin beauty of the woods. But, down below, the valley ran over with young grass and poured it to the river in wave after wave, till the last surge of green rounded over the water’s edge. Rain had fallen in the night, and the river had risen; it rested there, poised. It was wonderful how a thing so brimming, so shining, so alive could be so still; still as marsh water, flat to the flat land.

They were walking back, he and she, along the edge of the woods at the top of the steep field after a long walk. He had invited her to join him—it was her home—on a trek much longer than Milly’s little feet could manage. They paused for a moment up there and took in their surroundings. April was approaching, but the plowed land beneath them was still bare; the earth was waiting. On that side of the valley, it was softly unproductive, exhausted from nurturing the delicate, slender beauty of the woods. But down below, the valley was overflowing with young grass, sending waves of green all the way to the river’s edge. Rain had fallen during the night, causing the river to rise; it sat there, balanced. It was amazing how something so full, so shiny, so alive could be so still; as still as marsh water, flat against the level land.

... he stood for a moment in the open doorway ...

... he paused for a moment in the open doorway ...

At that moment, in a flash that came like a shifting of her eyes, the world she looked at suffered a change.

At that moment, in a flash that came like a movement of her eyes, the world she saw changed.

And yet it did not change. All the appearances of things, their colours, the movement and the stillness remained as if constant in their rhythm and their scale; but they were heightened, intensified; they were carried to a pitch that would have been vehement, vibrant, but that the stillness as well as the movement was intense. She was not dazzled by it or confused in any way. Her senses were exalted, adjusted to the pitch.

And yet it didn’t change. All the appearances of things, their colors, the movement and the stillness stayed constant in their rhythm and scale; but they were heightened, intensified; they reached a level that was intense and vibrant, yet the stillness and the movement were also strong. She wasn’t overwhelmed or confused in any way. Her senses were elevated, tuned to the level.

She would have said now that the earth at her feet had become insubstantial, but that she knew, in a flash, that what she saw was the very substance of the visible world; live and subtle as flame; solid as crystal and as clean. It was the same world, flat field for flat field and hill for hill; but radiant, vibrant, and, as it were, infinitely transparent.

She would say now that the ground beneath her feet felt weightless, but she suddenly realized that what she was seeing was the true essence of the visible world; alive and delicate like flame; solid like crystal and perfectly clear. It was the same world, flat field for flat field and hill for hill; but glowing, lively, and, in a way, endlessly transparent.

Agatha in her moment saw that the whole world brimmed and shone and was alive with the joy that was its life, joy that flowed flood-high and yet was still. In every leaf, in every blade of grass, this life was manifest as a strange, a divine translucence. She was about to point it out to the man at her side when she remembered that he had eyes for the beauty of the earth, but no sense of its secret and supernatural light. Harding Powell denied, he always had denied, the supernatural. And when she turned to him her vision had passed from her.

Agatha, in that moment, realized that the whole world was vibrant and glowing, alive with a joy that was its essence, joy that surged high yet remained still. In every leaf, in every blade of grass, this life appeared as a mysterious, divine clarity. She was about to share this with the man beside her when she remembered that he appreciated the beauty of nature but was blind to its hidden and otherworldly light. Harding Powell had always denied the supernatural. And when she turned to him, her vision faded away.

They must have another tramp some day, he said. He wanted to see more of this wonderful place. And then he spoke of his recovery.

They should have another trip someday, he said. He wanted to explore more of this amazing place. And then he talked about his recovery.

“It’s all very well,” he said, “but I can’t account for it. Milly says it’s the place.”

“It’s all good,” he said, “but I can’t explain it. Milly says it’s the location.”

“It is a wonderful place,” said Agatha.

“It’s a wonderful place,” said Agatha.

“Not so wonderful as all that. You saw how I was the day after we came. Well—it can’t be the place altogether.”

“Not as great as all that. You saw how I was the day after we arrived. Well—it can’t be just the place.”

“I rather hope it isn’t,” Agatha said.

“I really hope it isn’t,” Agatha said.

“Do you? What do you think it is, then?”

“Do you? What do you think it is?”

“I think it’s something in you.”

“I think it’s something about you.”

“Of course, of course. But what started it? That’s what I want to know. Something’s happened. Something queer and spontaneous and unaccountable. It’s—it’s uncanny. For, you know, I oughtn’t to feel like this. I got bad news this morning.”

“Of course, of course. But what triggered it? That’s what I want to find out. Something’s happened. Something strange and unexpected and hard to explain. It’s—it’s eerie. Because, you know, I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I got some bad news this morning.”

“Bad news?”

"Any bad news?"

“Yes. My sister’s little girl is very ill. They think it’s meningitis. They’re in awful trouble. And I—I’m feeling like this.”

“Yes. My sister’s daughter is really sick. They think it’s meningitis. They’re in a lot of trouble. And I—I’m feeling like this.”

“Don’t let it distress you.”

“Don’t let it get to you.”

“It doesn’t distress me. It only puzzles me. That’s the odd thing. Of course, I’m sorry, and I’m anxious and all that; but I feel so well.”

“It doesn’t upset me. It just confuses me. That’s the strange part. Of course, I feel bad, and I’m worried and all that; but I feel so good.”

“You are well. Don’t be morbid.”

"You’re good. Don’t be gloomy."

“I haven’t told my wife yet. About the child, I mean. I simply daren’t. It’ll frighten her. She won’t know how I’ll take it, and she’ll think it’ll make me go all queer again.”

“I haven’t told my wife yet. About the child, I mean. I just can’t. It’ll scare her. She won’t know how I’ll handle it, and she’ll think it’ll make me act all strange again.”

He paused and turned to her.

He stopped and looked at her.

“I say, if she did know how I’m taking it, she’d think that awfully queer, wouldn’t she?” He paused.

“I mean, if she knew how I’m feeling about it, she’d think that's really strange, wouldn’t she?” He paused.

“The worst of it is,” he said, “I’ve got to tell her.”

“The worst part is,” he said, “I have to tell her.”

“Will you leave it to me?” Agatha said. “I think I can make it all right.”

“Will you leave it to me?” Agatha said. “I think I can fix it.”

“How?” he queried.

"How?" he asked.

“Never mind how. I can.”

"Don't worry about how. I can."

“Well,” he assented, “there’s hardly anything you can’t do.”

“Well,” he agreed, “there's barely anything you can't do.”

That was how she came to tell Milly.

That’s how she ended up telling Milly.

She made up her mind to tell her that evening as they sat alone in Agatha’s house. “Harding,” Milly said, “was happy over there with his books; just as he used to be, only more so.” So much more so that she was a little disturbed about it. She was afraid it wouldn’t last. And again she said it was the place, the wonderful place.

She decided to tell her that evening while they were alone in Agatha’s house. “Harding,” Milly said, “was really happy over there with his books; just like he used to be, but even more so.” It was so much more that she felt a little uneasy about it. She worried it wouldn’t last. And again she said it was the place, the amazing place.

“If you want it to last,” Agatha said, “don’t go on thinking it’s the place.”

“If you want it to last,” Agatha said, “don’t keep thinking it’s the place.”

“Why shouldn’t it be? I feel that he’s safe here. He’s out of it. Things can’t reach him.”

“Why shouldn’t it be? I feel like he’s safe here. He’s detached from everything. Nothing can get to him.”

“Bad news reached him to-day.”

"Bad news reached him today."

“Aggy—what?” Milly whispered in her fright.

“Aggy—what?” Milly whispered in her fear.

“His sister is very anxious about her little girl.”

“His sister is really worried about her little girl.”

“What’s wrong?”

"What's up?"

Agatha repeated what she had heard from Harding Powell.

Agatha repeated what she had heard from Harding Powell.

“Oh—” Milly was dumb for an instant while she thought of her sister-in-law. Then she cried aloud:

“Oh—” Milly was speechless for a moment as she considered her sister-in-law. Then she shouted:

“If the child dies, it’ll make him ill again?”

“If the child dies, will it make him sick again?”

“No, Milly, it won’t.”

“No, Milly, it won’t.”

“It will, I tell you. It’s always been that sort of thing that does it.”

“It will, I promise you. It’s always been that kind of thing that makes it happen.”

“And supposing there was something that keeps it off?”

“And what if there’s something that prevents it?”

“What is there? What is there?”

"What's over there? What's over there?"

“I believe there’s something. Would you mind awfully if it wasn’t the place?”

“I think there’s something there. Would you mind terribly if it wasn’t the right spot?”

“What do you mean, Agatha?” (There was a faint resentment in Milly’s agonized tone.)

“What do you mean, Agatha?” (There was a subtle bitterness in Milly’s pained tone.)

It was then that Agatha told her. She made it out for her as far as she had made it out at all, with the diffidence that a decent attitude required.

It was then that Agatha told her. She explained it to her as clearly as she could, with the modesty that a respectful attitude required.

Milly raised doubts which subsided in a kind of awe when Agatha faced her with the evidence of dates.

Milly expressed doubts that faded into a sense of wonder when Agatha confronted her with the proof of the dates.

“You remember, Milly, the night when he slept?”

“You remember, Milly, the night he fell asleep?”

“I do remember. He said himself it was miraculous.” She meditated.

“I remember. He said it was miraculous.” She thought about it.

“And so you think it’s that?” she said presently.

"And so you think it's that?" she said after a moment.

“I do indeed. If I dared leave off (I daren’t) you’d see for yourself.”

“I really do. If I dared to stop (I can’t), you’d see for yourself.”

“What do you think you’ve got hold of?”

“What do you think you have there?”

“I don’t know yet.”

"I don't know yet."

There was a long, deep silence which Milly broke.

There was a long, deep silence that Milly finally disrupted.

“What do you do?” she said.

“What do you do?” she said.

“I don’t do anything. It isn’t me.”

“I don’t do anything. That’s not who I am.”

“I see,” said Milly. “I’ve prayed. You didn’t think I hadn’t?”

“I get it,” said Milly. “I’ve prayed. You didn’t think I hadn’t?”

“It’s not that—not anything you mean by it. And yet it is; only it’s more, much more. I can’t explain it. I only know it isn’t me.”

“It’s not that—not anything you mean by it. And yet it is; only it’s more, much more. I can’t explain it. I just know it isn’t me.”

She was beginning to feel vaguely uncomfortable about having told her.

She was starting to feel a bit uneasy about having told her.

“And, Milly, you mustn’t tell him. Promise me you won’t tell him.”

“And, Milly, you can’t tell him. Promise me you won’t say anything.”

“No, I won’t tell him.”

“No, I won’t tell him.”

“Because, you see, he’d think it was all rot.”

“Because, you see, he’d think it was all nonsense.”

“He would,” said Milly. “It’s the sort of thing he does think rot.”

“He would,” said Milly. “It’s the kind of thing he thinks is ridiculous.”

“And that might prevent its working.”

“And that might stop it from working.”

Milly smiled faintly. “I haven’t the ghost of an idea what ‘it’ is. But whatever it is, can you go on doing it?”

Milly smiled slightly. “I don’t have the slightest idea what ‘it’ is. But whatever it is, can you keep doing it?”

“Yes, I think so. You see, it depends rather—”

“Yes, I think so. You see, it really depends—”

“It depends on what?”

"It depends on what exactly?"

“Oh, on a lot of things—on your sincerity; on your—your purity. It depends so much on that that it frightens you, lest, perhaps, you mightn’t, after all, be so very pure.”

“Oh, on a lot of things—on your honesty; on your—your goodness. It relies so much on that that it scares you, in case you might not be as truly good as you thought.”

Milly smiled again a little differently. “Darling, if that’s all, I’m not frightened. Only—supposing—supposing you gave out? You might, you know.”

Milly smiled again, but in a slightly different way. “Sweetheart, if that’s all, I’m not scared. It’s just—what if—what if you burned out? You might, you know.”

I might. But It couldn’t. You mustn’t think it’s me, Milly. Because if anything happened to me, if I did give out, don’t you see how it would let him down? It’s as bad as thinking it’s the place.”

I might. But it couldn’t. You can’t think it’s me, Milly. Because if anything happened to me, if I did give out, don’t you see how it would let him down? It’s just as bad as thinking it’s the place.”

“Does it matter what it is—or who it is,” said Milly passionately; “as long as—” Her tears came and stopped her.

“Does it even matter what it is—or who it is?” Milly said passionately; “as long as—” Her tears came and choked her up.

Agatha divined the source of Milly’s passion.

Agatha figured out where Milly’s passion came from.

“Then you don’t mind, Milly? You’ll let me go on?” Milly rose; she turned abruptly, holding her head high, so that she might not spill her tears.

“Then you don’t mind, Milly? You’ll let me keep going?” Milly stood up; she turned quickly, keeping her head up, so that she wouldn’t spill her tears.

Agatha went with her over the grey field towards the farm. They paused at the gate. Milly spoke.

Agatha walked with her across the gray field toward the farm. They stopped at the gate. Milly spoke.

“Are you sure?” she said.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

“Certain.”

Sure.

“And you won’t let go?” Her eyes shone towards her friend’s in the twilight. “You will go on?”

“And you won’t let go?” Her eyes sparkled as she looked at her friend in the fading light. “You will keep going?”

You must go on.”

“You've got to keep going.”

“Ah—how?”

"Wait—how?"

“Believing that he’ll be all right.”

“Thinking he’ll be fine.”

“Oh, Aggy, he was devoted to Winny. And if the child dies—”

"Oh, Aggy, he was really devoted to Winny. And if the kid dies—"

VI
VI

The child died three days later. Milly came over to Agatha with the news.

The child passed away three days later. Milly went to Agatha with the news.

She said it had been an awful shock, of course. She’d been dreading something like that for him. But he’d taken it wonderfully. If he came out of it all right, she would believe in what she called Agatha’s “thing.”

She said it had been a terrible shock, of course. She’d been worried about something like that happening to him. But he handled it really well. If he turned out okay, she would believe in what she called Agatha’s “thing.”

He did come out of it all right. His behaviour was the crowning proof, if Milly wanted more proof, of his sanity. He went up to London and made all the arrangements for his sister. When he returned he forestalled Milly’s specious consolations with the truth. It was better, he told her, that the dear little girl should have died, for there was distinct brain trouble anyway. He took it as a sane man takes a terrible alternative.

He did come out of it alright. His behavior was the ultimate proof, if Milly needed more proof, of his sanity. He went up to London and made all the arrangements for his sister. When he returned, he cut off Milly’s empty consolations with the truth. It was better, he told her, that the dear little girl had died, since there was definitely some brain trouble anyway. He dealt with it the way a sane person handles a terrible choice.

Weeks passed. He had grown accustomed to his own sanity and no longer marvelled at it.

Weeks went by. He had gotten used to his own sanity and no longer found it remarkable.

And still, without intermission, Agatha went on. She had been so far affected by Milly’s fright (that was the worst of Milly’s knowing) that she held on to Harding Powell with a slightly exaggerated intensity. She even began to give more and more time to him, she who had made out that time in this process did not matter. She was afraid of letting go, because the consequences (Milly was perpetually reminding her of the consequences) of letting go would be awful.

And still, without pausing, Agatha continued. She had been so impacted by Milly’s fear (that was the worst part of Milly being aware) that she clung to Harding Powell with a bit more intensity than usual. She even started to spend more and more time with him, despite having previously insisted that time didn't matter in this situation. She was afraid to let go because the consequences (Milly was constantly reminding her of the consequences) of letting go could be terrible.

For Milly kept her at it. Milly urged her on. Milly, in Milly’s own words, sustained her. She praised her; she praised the Secret, praised the Power. She said you could see how it worked. It was tremendous; it was inexhaustible. Milly, familiarized with its working, had become a fanatical believer in the Power. But she had her own theory. She knew, of course, that they were all, she and Agatha and poor Harding, dependent on the Power, that it was the Power that did it, and not Agatha. But Agatha was their one link with it, and if the link gave way where were they? Agatha felt that Milly watched her and waylaid her; that she was suspicious of failures and of intermissions; that she wondered; that she peered and pried. Milly would, if she could, have stuck her fingers into what she called the machinery of the thing. Its vagueness baffled and even annoyed her, for her mind was limited; it loved and was at home with limits; it desired above all things precise ideas, names, phrases, anything that constricted and defined.

For Milly kept pushing her to keep going. Milly encouraged her. Milly, in her own words, supported her. She complimented her; she praised the Secret, praised the Power. She said you could see how it worked. It was amazing; it was endless. Milly, who understood how it worked, had become a passionate believer in the Power. But she had her own theory. She knew, of course, that they were all dependent on the Power—she, Agatha, and poor Harding—that it was the Power that made things happen, not Agatha. But Agatha was their only connection to it, and if that connection broke, where would they be? Agatha sensed that Milly watched her closely and intercepted her; that she was suspicious of failures and interruptions; that she questioned her; that she scrutinized her. Milly would have, if she could, gotten her hands into what she called the machinery of the thing. Its uncertainty confused and even frustrated her, because her mind was limited; it thrived on limits; it wanted, above all, clear ideas, names, phrases, anything that restricted and defined.

But still, with it all, she believed; and the great thing was that Milly should believe. She might have worked havoc if, with her temperament, she had doubted.

But still, through it all, she believed; and the important thing was that Milly should believe. She could have caused chaos if, with her temperament, she had doubted.

What did suffer was the fine poise with which she, Agatha, had held Rodney Lanyon and Harding Powell each by his own thread. Milly had compelled her to spin a stronger thread for Harding and, as it were, to multiply her threads, so as to hold him at all points. And because of this, because of giving more and more time to him, she could not always loose him from her and let him go. And she was afraid lest the pull he had on her might weaken Rodney’s thread.

What suffered was the delicate balance with which Agatha had managed to keep Rodney Lanyon and Harding Powell connected, each by his own thread. Milly had forced her to create a stronger thread for Harding and, in a way, to multiply her threads in order to hold him at every angle. Because of this, by spending more and more time with him, she found it difficult to release him and let him go. She was worried that the pull he had on her might weaken her connection to Rodney.

Up till now, the Powells’ third week at Sarratt End, she had had the assurance that his thread still held. She heard from him that Bella was all right, which meant that he too was all right, for there had never been anything wrong with him but Bella. And she had a further glimpse of the way the gift worked its wonders.

Up until now, during the Powells’ third week at Sarratt End, she had the reassurance that his connection still remained. She learned from him that Bella was okay, which meant he was too, since there had never been anything wrong with him except for Bella. And she got another insight into how the gift worked its magic.

Three Fridays had passed, and he had not come.

Three Fridays had gone by, and he still hadn't shown up.

Well—she had meant that; she had tried (on that last Friday of his), with a crystal sincerity, to hold him back so that he should not come. And up till now, with an ease that simply amazed her, she had kept herself at the highest pitch of her sincere and beautiful intention.

Well—she meant it; she had tried (on that last Friday of his), with total sincerity, to stop him from coming. And up until now, with a surprising ease, she had maintained the highest level of her genuine and beautiful intention.

Not that it was the intention that had failed her now. It had succeeded so beautifully, so perfectly, that he had no need to come at all. She had given Bella back to him. She had given him back to Bella. Only, she faced the full perfection of her work. She had brought it to so fine a point that she would never see him again; she had gone to the root of it; she had taken from him the desire to see her. And now it was as if subtly, insidiously, her relation to him had become inverted. Whereas hitherto it had been she who had been necessary to him, it seemed now that he was far more, beyond all comparison, more necessary to her. After all, Rodney had had Bella; and she had nobody but Rodney. He was the one solitary thing she cared for. And hitherto it had not mattered so immensely, for all her caring, whether he came to her or not. Seeing him had been, perhaps, a small mortal joy; but it had not been the tremendous and essential thing. She had been contented, satisfied beyond all mortal contentments and satisfactions, with the intangible, immaterial tie. Now she longed, with an unendurable longing, for his visible, bodily presence. She had not realized her joy as long as it was with her; she had refused to acknowledge it because of its mortal quality, and it had raised no cry that troubled her abiding spiritual calm. But now that she had put it from her, it thrust itself on her, it cried, it clung piteously to her and would not let her go. She looked back to the last year, her year of Fridays, and saw it following her, following and entreating. She looked forward and she saw Friday after Friday coming upon her, a procession of pitiless days, trampling it down, her small, piteous mortal joy, and her mortality rose in her and revolted. She had been disturbed by what she had called the “lurking possibilities” in Rodney; they were nothing to the lurking possibilities in her.

Not that the intention had let her down now. It had worked out so beautifully, so perfectly, that he didn't need to come at all. She had given Bella back to him. She had given him back to Bella. Only now, she faced the full reality of her work. She had refined it to such an extent that she would never see him again; she had gone to the heart of it; she had taken away his desire to see her. And now it felt like, subtly and insidiously, her relationship with him had flipped. Instead of being the one who was necessary to him, it now seemed that he was far more, by all measures, necessary to her. After all, Rodney had Bella, and she had nobody but Rodney. He was the one thing she cared about. Until now, it hadn’t really mattered so much, regardless of how much she cared, whether he came to her or not. Seeing him had been, maybe, a small joy; but it hadn’t been the vital, essential thing. She had been content, satisfied beyond any earthly satisfactions, with the intangible, immaterial connection. Now she yearned, with an unbearable longing, for his visible, physical presence. She hadn’t realized her joy as long as it was there; she had refused to acknowledge it because of its earthly nature, and it hadn’t stirred anything that disrupted her deep spiritual calm. But now that she had pushed it away, it forced itself on her, it cried, it clung to her desperately and wouldn’t let her go. She looked back at the last year, her year of Fridays, and saw it trailing her, following and pleading. She looked ahead and saw Friday after Friday approaching her, a march of merciless days, crushing it down, her small, pitiful mortal joy, and her own mortality surged within her and revolted. She had been unsettled by what she called the “lurking possibilities” in Rodney; they were nothing compared to the lurking possibilities within her.

There were moments when her desire to see Rodney sickened her with its importunity. Each time she beat it back, in an instant, to its burrow below the threshold, and it hid there, it ran underground. There were ways below the threshold by which desire could get at him. Therefore, one night—Tuesday of the fourth week—she cut him off. She refused to hold him even by a thread. It was Bella and Bella only that she held now.

There were times when her urge to see Rodney made her feel sick with how relentless it was. Each time, she pushed it back instantly to its hiding place beneath the surface, and it vanished underground. There were paths beneath the surface through which desire could reach him. So, one night—Tuesday of the fourth week—she decided to cut him off completely. She refused to connect with him, even in the slightest way. It was Bella and only Bella that she focused on now.

On Friday of that week she heard from him. Bella was still all right. But he wasn’t. Anything but. He didn’t know what was the matter with him. He supposed it was the same old thing again. He couldn’t think how poor Bella stood him, but she did. It must be awfully bad for her. It was beastly—wasn’t it?—that he should have got like that, just when Bella was so well.

On Friday of that week, she heard from him. Bella was still fine. But he wasn’t. Not at all. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He figured it was the same old problem again. He couldn’t understand how poor Bella put up with him, but she did. It must be really tough for her. It was terrible—wasn’t it?—that he had turned out like this, just when Bella was doing so well.

She might have known it. She had, in fact, known. Having once held him, and having healed him, she had no right—as long as the Power consented to work through her—she had no right to let him go.

She might have known it. She did know. Having once held him and having healed him, she had no right—as long as the Power agreed to work through her—she had no right to let him go.

She began again from the beginning, from the first process of purification and surrender. But what followed was different now. She had not only to recapture the crystal serenity, the holiness of that state by which she had held Rodney Lanyon and had healed him; she had to recover the poise by which she had held him and Harding Powell together. She was bound equally not to let Harding go.

She started over from the beginning, from the initial steps of cleansing and letting go. But this time, things were different. She not only needed to regain the pure calmness and sacredness of that state that had helped her support Rodney Lanyon and heal him; she also had to find the balance that had allowed her to keep both him and Harding Powell together. She was just as determined not to let Harding slip away.

It was now almost a struggle to concentrate on both Rodney and Harding, a struggle in which Harding persisted and prevailed. Yes, there was no blinking it, he prevailed.

It was now nearly impossible to focus on both Rodney and Harding, a battle that Harding kept fighting and won. Yes, there was no denying it, he won.

She had been prepared for it, but not as for a thing that could really happen. It was contrary to all that she knew of the beneficent working of the Power. She thought she knew all its ways, its silences, its reassurances, its inexplicable reservations and evasions. She couldn’t be prepared for this—that it, the high and holy, the unspeakably pure thing should allow Harding to prevail, should connive (that was what it looked like) at his taking the gift into his own hands and turning it to his own advantage against Rodney Lanyon.

She had been ready for it, but not in a way that felt real. It went against everything she understood about the good workings of the Power. She thought she knew all its ways, its quiet moments, its reassurances, and its mysterious reservations and evasions. She couldn’t be ready for this—that the high and holy, the unbelievably pure thing would let Harding win, would seem to cooperate (that’s what it looked like) with him taking the gift for himself and using it to his advantage against Rodney Lanyon.

Not that she thought it really had connived. That was unthinkable, and Agatha did not think these things; she felt them. Hitherto she had had no misgivings as to the possible behaviour of the Power. And now she was afraid, not of It, and not, certainly not, of poor Harding (how could she be afraid of him?); she was afraid mysteriously, without knowing why or how.

Not that she believed it had actually schemed against her. That was unthinkable, and Agatha didn’t just think about things; she felt them. Until now, she had had no doubts about how the Power might act. And now she was scared, not of It, and definitely not of poor Harding (how could she be scared of him?); she was scared in a vague way, without understanding why or how.

It was her fear that made her write to Rodney Lanyon. She wrote in the beginning of the fifth week (she was counting the weeks now). She only wanted to know, she said, that he was better, that he was well. She begged him to write and tell her that he was well.

It was her fear that drove her to write to Rodney Lanyon. She wrote at the start of the fifth week (she was counting the weeks now). All she wanted to know, she said, was that he was doing better, that he was okay. She pleaded with him to write back and let her know that he was alright.

He did not write.

He didn't write.

And every night of that week, in those “states” of hers, Powell predominated. He was becoming almost a visible presence impressed upon the blackness of the “state.” All she could do then was to evoke the visible image of Rodney Lanyon and place it there over Harding’s image, obliterating him. Now, properly speaking, the state, the perfection of it, did not admit of visible presences, and that Harding could so impress himself showed more than anything the extent to which he had prevailed.

And every night of that week, in those “states” of hers, Powell was the dominant force. He was becoming almost a physical presence stamped onto the darkness of the “state.” All she could do then was bring up the image of Rodney Lanyon and put it over Harding’s image, erasing him. Now, strictly speaking, the state, in its perfection, didn’t allow for visible presences, and the fact that Harding could make such an impression showed more than anything how much he had succeeded.

He prevailed to such good purpose that he was now, Milly said, well enough to go back to business. They were to leave Sarratt End in about ten days, when they would have been there seven weeks.

He succeeded so well that he was now, Milly said, well enough to get back to work. They were set to leave Sarratt End in about ten days, by which time they would have been there for seven weeks.

She had come over on the Sunday to let Agatha know that; and also, she said, to make a confession.

She had come over on Sunday to let Agatha know that; and also, she said, to make a confession.

Milly’s face, as she said it, was all candour. It had filled out; it had bloomed in her happiness; it was shadowless, featureless almost, like a flower.

Milly's face, as she said it, was completely open. It had filled out; it had blossomed in her happiness; it was bright, almost without any shadows or distinct features, like a flower.

She had done what she said she wouldn’t do; she had told Harding.

She had done what she said she wouldn’t do; she had told Harding.

“Oh, Milly, what on earth did you do that for?” Agatha’s voice was strange.

“Oh, Milly, why on earth did you do that?” Agatha’s voice was odd.

“I thought it better,” Milly said, revealing the fine complacence of her character.

“I thought it was better,” Milly said, showing the subtle satisfaction of her character.

“Why better?”

"What's better?"

“Because secrecy is bad. And he was beginning to wonder. He wanted to go back to business; and he wouldn’t, because he thought it was the place that did it.”

“Because keeping secrets is harmful. And he was starting to question that. He wanted to return to work; but he wouldn’t, because he believed it was the environment that caused it.”

“I see,” said Agatha. “And what does he think it is now?”

“I get it,” Agatha said. “So what does he think it is now?”

“He thinks it’s you, dear.”

“He thinks it’s you, dear.”

“But I told you—I told you—that was what you were not to think.”

“But I told you—I told you—that’s not what you should be thinking.”

“My dear, it’s an immense concession that he should think it’s you.”

“My dear, it's a huge concession that he believes it's you.”

“A concession to what?”

"What's the concession for?"

“Well, I suppose, to the supernatural.”

“Well, I guess it’s to the supernatural.”

“Milly, you shouldn’t have told him. You don’t know what harm you might have done. I’m not sure even now that you haven’t done it.”

“Milly, you shouldn’t have told him. You don’t know what damage you might have caused. I’m not even sure now that you haven’t done it.”

“Oh, have I?” said Milly triumphantly. “You’ve only got to look at him.”

“Oh, really?” Milly said excitedly. “All you have to do is look at him.”

“When did you tell him, then?”

“When did you tell him?”

“I told him—let me see—it was a week ago last Friday.” Agatha was silent. She wondered. It had been after Friday a week ago that he had prevailed so terribly.

“I told him—let me think—it was a week ago last Friday.” Agatha was quiet. She was wondering. It had been after that Friday when he had won so convincingly.

“Agatha,” said Milly solemnly, “when we go away you won’t lose sight of him? You won’t let go of him?”

“Agatha,” Milly said seriously, “when we leave, you won’t lose track of him, will you? You won’t let him out of your sight?”

“You needn’t be afraid. I doubt now if he will let go of me.”

“You don’t need to be afraid. I seriously doubt he’ll let me go now.”

“How do you mean—now?” Milly flushed slightly as a flower might flush.

“How do you mean—now?” Milly blushed a bit like a flower might.

“Now that you’ve told him, now that he thinks it’s me.

“Now that you’ve told him, now that he thinks it’s me.

“Perhaps,” said Milly, “that was why I told him. I don’t want him to let go.”

“Maybe,” said Milly, “that’s why I told him. I don’t want him to give up.”

VII
VII

It was the sixth week, and still Rodney did not write; and Agatha was more and more afraid.

It was the sixth week, and Rodney still hadn’t written; Agatha was getting more and more anxious.

By this time she had definitely connected her fear with Harding Powell’s dominion and persistence. She was certain now that what she could only call his importunity had proved somehow disastrous to Rodney Lanyon. And with it all, unacknowledged, beaten back, her desire to see Rodney ran to and fro in the burrows underground.

By this time, she had clearly linked her fear to Harding Powell’s control and determination. She was now sure that what she could only describe as his relentless behavior had somehow been harmful to Rodney Lanyon. And beneath it all, unrecognized and suppressed, her desire to see Rodney scurried around in the depths of her mind.

He did not write, but on the Friday of that week, the sixth week, he came.

He didn't write, but on that Friday of the sixth week, he showed up.

She saw him coming up the garden path, and she shrank back into her room but the light searched her and found her, and he saw her there. He never knocked; he came straight and swiftly to her through the open doors. He shut the door of the room behind him and held her by her arms with both his hands.

She saw him walking up the garden path, and she stepped back into her room, but the light found her, and he saw her there. He didn't knock; he walked straight and quickly to her through the open doors. He closed the door behind him and grabbed her by her arms with both hands.

“Rodney,” she said, “did you mean to come, or did I make you?”

“Rodney,” she asked, “did you want to come, or did I persuade you?”

“I meant to come. You couldn’t make me.”

“I intended to come. You couldn't stop me.”

“Couldn’t I? Oh, say I couldn’t.”

"Could I? Oh, say I couldn't."

“You could,” he said, “but you didn’t. And what does it matter so long as I’m here?”

“You could,” he said, “but you didn’t. And what does it matter as long as I’m here?”

“Let me look at you.”

“Let me see you.”

She held him at arm’s length and turned him to the light. It showed his face white, worn as it used to be, all the little lines of worry back again, and two new ones that drew down the corners of his mouth.

She held him at arm's length and turned him toward the light. It revealed his face pale, weary like before, with all the little lines of worry reappearing, and two new ones that pulled down the corners of his mouth.

“You’ve been ill,” she said. “You are ill.”

“You’ve been sick,” she said. “You are sick.”

“No. I’m all right. What’s the matter with you?

“No. I’m fine. What’s wrong with you?

“With me? Nothing. Do I look as if anything was wrong?”

"With me? Nothing. Do I look like something's wrong?"

“You look as if you’d been frightened.”

“You look like you’ve been scared.”

He paused, considering it.

He paused, thinking it over.

“This place isn’t good for you. You oughtn’t to be here like this, all by yourself.”

“This place isn’t good for you. You shouldn't be here like this, all alone.”

“Oh! Rodney, it’s the dearest place. I love every inch of it. Besides, I’m not altogether by myself.”

“Oh! Rodney, it's the most wonderful place. I love every bit of it. Plus, I'm not completely alone.”

He did not seem to hear her; and what he said next arose evidently out of his own thoughts.

He didn't seem to hear her, and what he said next clearly came from his own thoughts.

“I say, are those Powells still here?”

“I’m asking, are the Powells still here?”

“They’ve been here all the time.”

“They’ve been here the whole time.”

“Do you see much of them?”

"Do you see a lot of them?"

“I see them every day. Sometimes nearly all day.”

“I see them every day. Sometimes almost all day.”

“That accounts for it.”

“That explains it.”

Again he paused.

He paused again.

“It’s my fault, Agatha. I shouldn’t have left you to them. I knew.”

“It’s my fault, Agatha. I shouldn’t have left you with them. I knew.”

“What did you know?”

"What did you know?"

“Well—the state he was in, and the effect it would have on you—that it would have on anybody.”

“Well—the way he was feeling, and the impact it would have on you—that it would have on anyone.”

“It’s all right. He’s going. Besides, he isn’t in a state any more. He’s cured.”

“It’s fine. He’s leaving. Plus, he’s not in that condition anymore. He’s better.”

“Cured? What’s cured him?”

“Cured? What cured him?”

She evaded him.

She dodged him.

“He’s been well ever since he came; absolutely well after the first day.”

“He’s been doing great ever since he arrived; perfectly fine after the first day.”

“Still, you’ve been frightened; you’ve been worrying; you’ve had some shock or other, or some strain. What is it?”

“Still, you've been scared; you've been stressed; you've had some kind of shock or strain. What’s going on?”

“Nothing. Only—just the last week—I’ve been a little frightened about you—when you wouldn’t write to me. Why didn’t you?”

“Nothing. Just that last week, I've been a bit worried about you—when you didn’t write back. Why didn’t you?”

“Because I couldn’t.”

"Because I couldn't."

“Then you were ill?”

“Then you were sick?”

“I’m all right. I know what’s the matter with me.”

“I’m fine. I know what’s going on with me.”

“It’s Bella?”

“Is it Bella?”

He laughed harshly.

He chuckled roughly.

“No, it isn’t this time. I haven’t that excuse.”

“No, it’s not this time. I don’t have that excuse.”

“Excuse for what?”

“Excuse me for what?”

“For coming. Bella’s all right. Bella’s a perfect angel. God knows what’s happened to her. I don’t. I haven’t had anything to do with it.”

“For coming. Bella’s fine. Bella’s a perfect angel. God knows what’s happened to her. I don’t. I haven’t been involved with it.”

“You had. You had everything. You were an angel too.”

“You had it all. You had everything. You were an angel too.”

“I haven’t been much of an angel lately, I can tell you.”

“I haven’t been much of a saint lately, I can tell you.”

“She’ll understand. She does understand.”

"She'll get it. She does get it."

They had sat down on the couch in the corner so that they faced each other. Agatha faced him, but fear was in her eyes.

They sat down on the couch in the corner so they could face each other. Agatha looked at him, but her eyes were filled with fear.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said, “whether she understands or not. I don’t want to talk about her.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he said, “if she gets it or not. I don’t want to talk about her.”

Agatha said nothing, but there was a movement in her face, a white wave of trouble, and the fear fluttered in her eyes. He saw it there.

Agatha didn’t say anything, but her face showed a shift, a pale rush of anxiety, and fear flickered in her eyes. He noticed it there.

“You needn’t bother about Bella. She’s all right. You see, it’s not as if she cared.”

“You don’t need to worry about Bella. She’s fine. The thing is, it’s not like she cares.”

“Cared?”

"Can you care?"

“About me much.”

"About me a lot."

“But she does, she does care!”

“But she genuinely cares!”

“I suppose she did once, or she couldn’t have married me. But she doesn’t now. You see—you may as well know it, Agatha—there’s another man.”

“I guess she did at one point, or she wouldn’t have married me. But she doesn’t anymore. You see—you might as well know this, Agatha—there’s another guy.”

“Oh, Rodney, no.”

“Oh no, Rodney.”

“Yes. It’s been perfectly all right, you know; but there he is, and there he’s been for years. She told me. I’m awfully sorry for her.”

“Yes. It’s been totally fine, you know; but there he is, and he’s been there for years. She told me. I feel really bad for her.”

He paused.

He took a break.

“What beats me is her being so angelic now, when she doesn’t care.”

“What confuses me is how angelic she seems now, even when she doesn't care.”

“Rodney, she does. It’s all over, like an illness. It’s you she cares for now.”

“Rodney, she really does. It’s done, like some kind of sickness. It’s you she cares about now.”

“Think so?”

"Do you think so?"

“I’m sure of it.”

"I’m sure about it."

“I’m not.”

“I’m not.”

“You will be. You’ll see it. You’ll see it soon.”

“You will be. You'll see it. You'll see it soon.”

He glanced at her under his bent brows.

He looked at her from beneath his furrowed brows.

“I don’t know,” he said, “that I want to see it. That isn’t what’s the matter with me. You don’t understand the situation. It isn’t all over. She’s only being good about it. She doesn’t care a rap about me. She can’t. And what’s more, I don’t want her to.”

“I don’t know,” he said, “if I really want to see it. That isn’t what’s bothering me. You don't get the situation. It’s not finished. She’s just handling it well. She doesn’t care at all about me. She can’t. And honestly, I don’t want her to.”

“You—don’t—want her to?”

"You don't want her to?"

He burst out. “My God, I want nothing in this world but you. And I can’t have you. That’s what’s the matter with me.”

He exclaimed, “My God, I want nothing in this world but you. And I can’t have you. That’s what’s wrong with me.”

“No, no, it isn’t,” she cried. “You don’t know.”

“No, no, it’s not,” she shouted. “You don’t understand.”

“I do know. It’s hurting me. And”—he looked at her and his voice shook—“it’s hurting you. I won’t have you hurt.”

“I know. It’s hurting me. And”—he looked at her and his voice trembled—“it’s hurting you. I won’t let you get hurt.”

He started forward suddenly as if he would have taken her in his arms. She put up her hands to keep him off.

He suddenly moved closer as if he wanted to take her in his arms. She raised her hands to push him away.

“No, no!” she cried. “I’m all right. I’m all right. It isn’t that. You mustn’t think it.”

“No, no!” she shouted. “I’m fine. I’m fine. It’s not that. You shouldn’t think that.”

“I know it. That’s why I came.”

“I know it. That’s why I came.”

He came near again. He seized her struggling hands.

He approached her again and grabbed her struggling hands.

“Agatha, why can’t we? Why shouldn’t we?”

“Agatha, why can’t we? Why shouldn’t we?”

“No, no,” she moaned. “We can’t. We mustn’t. Not that way. I don’t want it, Rodney, that way.”

“No, no,” she complained. “We can’t. We shouldn’t. Not that way. I don’t want it, Rodney, that way.”

“It shall be any way you like. Only don’t beat me off.”

“It can be whatever you want. Just don’t push me away.”

“I’m not—beating—you—off.”

"I'm not—doing—that—to—you."

She stood up. Her face changed suddenly.

She stood up. Her expression changed abruptly.

“Rodney—I forgot. They’re coming.”

“Rodney—I forgot. They're on their way.”

“Who are they?”

“Who are they?”

“The Powells. They’re coming to lunch.”

“The Powells are coming over for lunch.”

“Can’t you put them off?”

“Can’t you delay them?”

“I can, but it wouldn’t be very wise, dear. They might think—”

“I can, but it wouldn’t be very smart, dear. They might think—”

“Confound them—they would think.”

“Confound them—they would think.”

He was pulling himself visibly together.

He was visibly getting himself together.

“I’m afraid, Aggy, I ought—”

"I'm sorry, Aggy, I should—"

“I know—you must. You must go soon.”

“I know—you have to. You have to leave soon.”

He looked at his watch.

He checked his watch.

“I must go now, dear. I daren’t stay. It’s dangerous.”

“I have to go now, sweetheart. I can’t stay. It’s risky.”

“I know,” she whispered.

"I know," she said softly.

“But when is the brute going?”

"But when is the beast leaving?"

“Poor darling, he’s going next week—next Thursday.”

“Poor thing, he’s leaving next week—next Thursday.”

“Well then, I’ll—I’ll—”

"Well then, I'll—I’ll—"

“Please, you must go.”

"Please, you have to go."

“I’m going.”

"Going now."

She held out her hand.

She offered her hand.

“I daren’t touch you,” he whispered. “I’m going now. But I’ll come again next Friday, and I’ll stay.”

“I can’t touch you,” he whispered. “I’m leaving now. But I’ll be back next Friday, and I’ll stay.”

As she saw his drawn face, there was not any strength in her to say “No.”

As she looked at his strained face, she didn't have the strength to say "No."

VIII
VIII

He had gone. She gathered herself together and went across the field to meet the Powells as if nothing had happened.

He was gone. She collected herself and walked across the field to meet the Powells as if nothing had happened.

Milly and her husband were standing at the gate of the Farm. They were watching; yes, they were watching Rodney Lanyon as he crossed the river by the Farm bridge. The bridge carried the field path that slanted up the hill to the farther and western end of the wood. Their attitude showed that they were interested in his brief appearance on the scene, and that they wondered what he had been doing there. And as she approached them she was aware of something cold, ominous and inimical, that came from them, and set towards her and passed by. Her sense of it only lasted for a second, and was gone so completely that she could hardly realize that she had ever felt it.

Milly and her husband were standing at the gate of the Farm. They were watching Rodney Lanyon as he crossed the river on the Farm bridge. The bridge led to the field path that sloped up the hill to the far western end of the woods. Their expression showed that they were curious about his sudden appearance and wondered what he had been up to. As she walked towards them, she sensed something cold, threatening, and hostile coming from them, which moved past her. The feeling lasted only a moment and disappeared so completely that she could barely remember experiencing it.

For they were charming to her. Harding, indeed, was more perfect in his beautiful quality than ever. There was something about him that she had not been prepared for, something strange and pathetic, humble almost and appealing. She saw it in his eyes, his large, dark, wild animal eyes, chiefly. But it was a look that claimed as much as it deprecated; that assumed between them some unspoken communion and understanding. With all its pathos it was a look that frightened her. Neither he nor his wife said a word about Rodney Lanyon. She was not even sure, now, that they had recognized him.

For they were charming to her. Harding truly seemed more perfect in his beautiful qualities than ever. There was something about him that she hadn’t expected, something strange and sad, almost humble and appealing. She mainly saw it in his eyes, his large, dark, wild animal eyes. But it was a gaze that demanded as much as it diminished; it suggested some unspoken bond and understanding between them. Despite its sadness, it was a look that scared her. Neither he nor his wife mentioned Rodney Lanyon. She wasn’t even sure now if they had recognized him.

They stayed with her all that afternoon; for their time, they said, was getting short; and when, about six o’clock, Milly got up to go she took Agatha aside and said that, if Agatha didn’t mind, she would leave Harding with her for a little while. She knew he wanted to talk to her.

They stayed with her all that afternoon because, as they said, their time was running out. When Milly got up to leave around six o'clock, she pulled Agatha aside and said that, if Agatha didn’t mind, she’d like to leave Harding with her for a little while. She knew he wanted to talk to her.

Agatha proposed that they should walk up the hill through the wood. They went in a curious silence and constraint; and it was not until they had got into the wood and were shut up in it together that he spoke.

Agatha suggested that they should walk up the hill through the woods. They walked in an awkward silence, feeling tense, and it wasn't until they entered the woods and were alone together that he finally spoke.

“I think my wife told you I had something to say to you?”

“I think my wife mentioned that I had something to tell you?”

“Yes, Harding,” she said. “What is it?”

“Yes, Harding,” she said. “What’s up?”

“Well, it’s this—first of all, I want to thank you. I know what you’re doing for me.”

“Well, it’s this—first of all, I want to thank you. I know what you’re doing for me.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to know. I thought Milly wasn’t going to tell you.”

“I’m sorry. I didn't want you to find out. I thought Milly wasn't going to say anything.”

“She didn’t tell me.”

“She didn’t mention it to me.”

Agatha said nothing. She was bound to accept his statement. Of course, he must have known that Milly had broken her word, and he was trying to shield her.

Agatha said nothing. She had to accept what he said. Obviously, he must have known that Milly had gone back on her promise, and he was trying to protect her.

“I mean,” he went on, “that whether she told me or not, it’s no matter; I knew.”

“I mean,” he continued, “that whether she told me or not, it doesn’t matter; I knew.”

“You—knew?”

"You knew?"

“I knew that something was happening, and I knew it wasn’t the place. Places never make any difference. I only go to ’em because Milly thinks they do. Besides, if it came to that, this place—from my peculiar point of view, mind you—was simply beastly. I couldn’t have stood another night of it.”

“I knew something was going on, and I knew it wasn’t the place. Places don’t really matter. I only go to them because Milly thinks they do. Besides, if it came down to it, this place—just from my unique perspective, by the way—was absolutely awful. I couldn’t handle another night of it.”

“Well.”

“Well.”

“Well, the thing went; and I got all right. And the queer part of it is, I felt as if you were in it somehow, as if you’d done something. I half hoped you might say something, but you never did.”

“Well, it happened; and I was fine. The strange part is that I felt like you were involved somehow, like you had done something. I kind of wished you would say something, but you never did.”

“One oughtn’t to speak about these things, Harding. And I told you I didn’t want you to know.”

"One shouldn't talk about these things, Harding. And I told you I didn't want you to know."

“I didn’t know what you did. I don’t know now, though Milly tried to tell me. But I felt you. I felt you all the time.”

“I didn’t know what you did. I still don’t know, even though Milly tried to tell me. But I felt you. I felt you all the time.”

“It was not I you felt. I implore you not to think it was.”

“It wasn’t me you felt. I urge you not to think it was.”

“What can I think?”

"What should I think?"

“Think as I do; think—think—” She stopped herself. She was aware of the futility of her charge to this man who denied, who always had denied, the supernatural. “It isn’t a question of thinking,” she said at last.

“Think like I do; think—think—” She caught herself. She realized how pointless it was to urge this man who denied, who had always denied, the supernatural. “It’s not about thinking,” she finally said.

“Of believing, then? Are you going to tell me to believe?”

“Are you going to tell me to believe?”

“No; it isn’t believing either. It’s knowing. Either you know it or you don’t know, though you may come to know. But whatever you think, you mustn’t think it’s me.”

“No; it’s not about believing either. It’s about knowing. Either you know it or you don’t, although you might come to know it later. But whatever you think, don’t think it’s me.”

“I rather like to. Why shouldn’t I?”

“I actually like to. Why shouldn’t I?”

She turned on him her grave white face, and he noticed a curious expression there as of incipient terror.

She turned her serious white face towards him, and he noticed a strange expression there that resembled the beginning of fear.

“Because you might do some great harm either to yourself or—”

“Because you could really hurt yourself or—”

His delicate, sceptical eyebrows questioned her.

His delicate, skeptical eyebrows questioned her.

“Or me.”

"Or me."

“You?” he murmured gently, pitifully almost.

“You?” he whispered softly, almost with pity.

“Yes, me. Or even—well, one doesn’t quite know where the harm might end. If I could only make you take another view. I tried to make you—to work it that way—so that you might find the secret and do it for yourself.”

“Yes, me. Or even—well, you can never be sure where the trouble might lead. If only I could get you to see things differently. I tried to get you to—set it up that way—so you could discover the secret and handle it yourself.”

“I can’t do anything for myself. But, Agatha, I’ll take any view you like of it, so long as you’ll keep on at me.”

“I can’t do anything for myself. But, Agatha, I’ll accept any perspective you have on it, as long as you keep pushing me.”

“Of course I’ll keep on.”

"Of course I will continue."

At that he stopped suddenly in his path, and faced her.

At that, he suddenly stopped in his tracks and faced her.

“I say, you know, it isn’t hurting you, is it?”

“I mean, it’s not bothering you, is it?”

She felt herself wince. “Hurting me? How could it hurt me?”

She felt herself flinch. “Hurt me? How could it possibly hurt me?”

“Milly said it couldn’t.”

“Milly said it can't.”

Agatha sighed. She said to herself, “Milly—if only Milly hadn’t interfered.”

Agatha sighed. She said to herself, “Milly—if only Milly hadn’t interfered.”

“Don’t you think it’s cold here in the wood?” she said.

“Don’t you think it’s cold out here in the woods?” she said.

“Cold?”

“Chilly?”

“Yes. Let’s go back.”

"Yes. Let's head back."

As they went Milly met them at the Farm bridge. She wanted Agatha to come and stay for supper; she pressed, she pleaded, and Agatha, who had never yet withstood Milly’s pleading, stayed.

As they walked, Milly met them at the Farm bridge. She wanted Agatha to come and stay for dinner; she urged, she begged, and Agatha, who had never been able to resist Milly’s requests, agreed to stay.

It was from that evening that she really dated it, the thing that came upon her. She was aware that in staying she disobeyed an instinct that told her to go home. Otherwise she could not say that she had any sort of premonition. Supper was laid in the long room with the yellow blinds, where she had first found Harding Powell. The blinds were drawn to-night, and the lamp on the table burnt low; the oil was giving out. The light in the room was still daylight and came level from the sunset, leaking through the yellow blinds. It struck Agatha that it was the same light, the same ochreish light that they had found in the room six weeks ago. But that was nothing.

It was that evening that she truly marked the moment when it all started. She realized that by staying, she was ignoring a gut feeling telling her to go home. Otherwise, she couldn't say she had any kind of forewarning. Dinner was set in the long room with the yellow blinds, where she had first met Harding Powell. The blinds were drawn tonight, and the lamp on the table was low; the oil was running out. The room was still lit by daylight, coming in at an angle from the sunset, seeping through the yellow blinds. It struck Agatha that it was the same light, the same yellowish light they had found in the room six weeks ago. But that didn’t mean much.

What it was she did not know. The horrible light went when the flame of the lamp burnt clearer. Harding was talking to her cheerfully and Milly was smiling at them both, when half through the meal Agatha got up and declared that she must go. She was ill; she was tired; they must forgive her, but she must go.

What it was she didn’t know. The awful light faded when the lamp’s flame burned brighter. Harding was chatting with her happily, and Milly was smiling at both of them when, halfway through the meal, Agatha stood up and announced that she had to leave. She was unwell; she was exhausted; they had to forgive her, but she really had to go.

The Powells rose and stood by her, close to her, in their distress. Milly brought wine and put it to her lips; but she turned her head away and whispered: “Please let me go. Let me get away.”

The Powells stood up and moved close to her, sharing in her distress. Milly offered her some wine, bringing it to her lips; but she turned her head away and whispered, “Please let me go. Let me get away.”

Harding wanted to walk back with her, but she refused with a vehemence that deterred him.

Harding wanted to walk back with her, but she refused so strongly that it stopped him.

“How very odd of her,” said Milly, as they stood at the gate and watched her go. She was walking fast, almost running, with a furtive step, as if something pursued her.

“It's so strange of her,” said Milly, as they stood at the gate and watched her leave. She was walking quickly, almost running, with a sneaky step, as if something was chasing her.

Powell did not speak. He turned from his wife and went slowly back into the house.

Powell didn’t say anything. He turned away from his wife and slowly walked back into the house.

IX
IX

She knew now what had happened to her. She was afraid of Harding Powell; and it was her fear that had cried to her to go, to get away from him.

She realized now what had happened to her. She was scared of Harding Powell; and it was that fear that had urged her to leave, to escape from him.

The awful thing was that she knew she could not get away from him. She had only to close her eyes and she would find the visible image of him hanging before her on the wall of darkness. And to-night, when she tried to cover it with Rodney’s it was no longer obliterated. Rodney’s image had worn thin and Harding’s showed through. She was more afraid of it than she had been of Harding; and more than anything, she was afraid of being afraid. Harding was the object of a boundless and indestructible compassion, and her fear of him was hateful to her and unholy. She knew that it would be terrible to let it follow her into that darkness where she would presently go down with him alone. “It would be all right,” she said to herself, “if only I didn’t keep on seeing him.”

The terrible thing was that she knew she couldn’t escape him. All she had to do was close her eyes, and she would see his image hanging on the wall of darkness. And tonight, when she tried to cover it with Rodney’s, it didn’t disappear anymore. Rodney’s image had faded, and Harding’s was showing through. She was more afraid of it than she had been of Harding; and more than anything, she feared being afraid. Harding was the focus of endless and unbreakable compassion, and her fear of him disgusted her and felt wrong. She knew it would be awful to let that fear follow her into the darkness where she would soon go down with him alone. “It would be okay,” she told herself, “if only I didn’t keep seeing him.”

But he, his visible image, and her fear of it, persisted even while the interior darkness, the divine, beneficent darkness rose round her, wave on wave, and flooded her; even while she held him there and healed him; even while it still seemed to her that her love pierced through her fear and gathered to her, spirit to spirit, flame to pure flame, the nameless, innermost essence of Rodney and of Bella. She had known in the beginning that it was by love that she held them; but now, though she loved Rodney and had almost lost her pity for Harding in her fear of him, it was Harding rather than Rodney that she held.

But he, his visible image, and her fear of it, remained even as the inner darkness, the divine, nurturing darkness rose around her, wave after wave, and enveloped her; even as she held him there and healed him; even as it still felt to her that her love cut through her fear and connected with her, spirit to spirit, flame to pure flame, the nameless, deepest essence of Rodney and Bella. She had known from the start that it was through love that she held them; but now, even though she loved Rodney and had nearly lost her compassion for Harding in her fear of him, it was Harding rather than Rodney that she held.

In the morning she woke with a sense, which was almost a memory, of Harding having been in the room with her all night. She was tired, as if she had had some long and unrestrained communion with him.

In the morning, she woke up with a feeling, almost like a memory, of Harding having been in the room with her all night. She felt tired, as if she had spent a long, unrestricted time connecting with him.

She put away at once the fatigue that pressed on her (the gift still “worked” in a flash for the effacing of bodily sensation). She told herself that, after all, her fear had done no harm. Seldom in her experience of the Power had she had so tremendous a sense of having got through to it, of having “worked” it, of having held Harding under it and healed him. For, when all was said and done, whether she had been afraid of him or not, she had held him, she had never once let go. The proof was that he still went sane, visibly, indubitably cured.

She quickly pushed aside the fatigue weighing on her (the gift still "worked" instantly to numb her physical sensations). She reminded herself that, after all, her fear hadn’t caused any harm. Rarely in her experience with the Power had she felt such an overwhelming sense of having connected with it, of having "worked" it, of having kept Harding under its influence and healed him. Because, when everything was considered, whether she had been afraid of him or not, she had held onto him; she had never let him go. The evidence was that he was still sane, visibly and undeniably healed.

All the same, she felt that she could not go through another day like yesterday. She could not see him. She wrote a letter to Milly. Since it concerned Milly so profoundly, it was well that Milly should be made to understand. She hoped that Milly would forgive her if they didn’t see her for the next day or two. If she was to go on (she underlined it) she must be left absolutely alone. It seemed unkind when they were going so soon, but—Milly knew—it was impossible to exaggerate the importance of what she had to do.

All the same, she felt like she couldn’t get through another day like yesterday. She couldn’t see him. She wrote a letter to Milly. Since it affected Milly so deeply, it was important for Milly to understand. She hoped Milly would forgive her if they didn’t see her for a day or two. If she wanted to keep going (she underlined it), she had to be left completely alone. It felt unkind since they would be leaving soon, but—Milly knew—it was impossible to overstate how crucial it was for her to do what she needed to do.

Milly wrote back that, of course, she understood. It should be as Agatha wished. Only (so Milly “sustained” her) Agatha must not allow herself to doubt the Power. How could she, when she saw what it had done for Harding? If she doubted, what could she expect of Harding? But, of course, she must take care of her own dear self. If she failed—if she gave way—what on earth would the poor darling do, now that he had become dependent on her?

Milly replied that, of course, she understood. It should be as Agatha wanted. But (as Milly emphasized) Agatha must not let herself doubt the Power. How could she, when she saw what it had achieved for Harding? If she doubted, what could she expect from Harding? But, of course, she had to take care of herself. If she failed—if she gave in—what on earth would the poor darling do now that he had become dependent on her?

She wrote as if it was Agatha’s fault that he had become dependent; as if Agatha had nothing, had nobody in the world to think of but Harding; as if nobody, as if nothing in the world beside Harding mattered. And Agatha found herself resenting Milly’s view. As if to her anything in the world mattered beside Rodney Lanyon.

She wrote as if it were Agatha's fault that he had become dependent; as if Agatha had nothing and nobody in the world to think about except Harding; as if nothing else in the world mattered other than Harding. And Agatha found herself resenting Milly's perspective. As if to her, nothing in the world mattered except Rodney Lanyon.

For three days she did not see the Powells.

For three days, she didn't see the Powells.

X
X

The three nights passed as before, but with an increasing struggle and fear.

The three nights went by like the ones before, but with growing struggle and fear.

She knew, she knew what was happening. It was as if the walls of personality were wearing thin, and through them she felt him trying to get at her.

She knew, she knew what was happening. It was as if the walls of her personality were getting thin, and through them she felt him trying to reach her.

She put the thought from her. It was absurd. It was insane. Such things could not be. It was not in any region of such happenings that she held him, but in the place of peace, the charmed circle, the flawless crystal sphere.

She pushed the thought away. It was ridiculous. It was crazy. Things like that just couldn’t happen. She held him not in any place of such events, but in the realm of tranquility, the enchanted circle, the perfect crystal sphere.

Still the thought persisted; and still, in spite of it, she held him, she would not let him go. By her honour and by her love for Milly she was bound to hold him, even though she knew how terribly, how implacably he prevailed.

Still, the thought lingered; and still, despite it, she held onto him, she wouldn’t let him go. By her honor and by her love for Milly, she felt compelled to keep him, even though she recognized how powerfully and relentlessly he dominated.

She was aware now that the persistence of his image on the blackness was only a sign to her of his being there in his substance; in his supreme innermost essence. It had obviously no relation to his bodily appearance, since she had not seen him for three days. It tended more and more to vanish, to give place to the shapeless, nameless, all-pervading presence. And her fear of him became pervading, nameless and shapeless too.

She now realized that the constant image of him in the darkness was just a sign of his actual presence; of his true essence. It clearly had nothing to do with how he looked, since she hadn't seen him in three days. It was increasingly fading away, replaced by a formless, nameless, all-encompassing presence. Her fear of him also grew to be formless, nameless, and all-consuming.

Somehow it was always behind her now, it followed her from room to room of her house; it drove her out of doors. It seemed to her that she went before it with quick, uncertain feet and a fluttering heart, aimless and tormented as a leaf driven by a vague light wind. Sometimes it sent her up the field towards the wood; sometimes it would compel her to go a little way towards the Farm; and then it was as if it took her by the shoulders and turned her back again towards her house.

Somehow it was always behind her now, following her from room to room in her house; it pushed her outside. She felt like she was moving ahead of it with quick, uncertain steps and a racing heart, aimless and tormented like a leaf blown by a gentle, uncertain breeze. Sometimes it would urge her up the field towards the woods; other times it would force her to head a bit toward the Farm; and then it felt like it grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her back toward her house.

On the fourth day (which was Tuesday of the Powells’ last week) she determined to fight this fear. She could not defy it to the extent of going on to the Farm where she might see Harding, but certainly she would not suffer it to turn her from her hill-top. It was there that she had always gone as the night fell, calling home her thoughts to sleep; and it was there, seven weeks ago, that the moon, the golden-white and holy moon, had led her to the consecration of her gift. She had returned softly, seven weeks ago, carrying carefully her gift, as a fragile, flawless crystal. Since then how recklessly she had held it! To what jars and risks she had exposed the exquisite and sacred thing!

On the fourth day (which was Tuesday of the Powells’ last week), she decided to confront this fear. She couldn’t bring herself to go to the Farm where she might run into Harding, but she definitely wouldn’t let it keep her from her hilltop. That’s where she had always gone as night fell, calling her thoughts home to rest; and it was there, seven weeks ago, that the moon, the golden-white and holy moon, had guided her to the dedication of her gift. She had returned quietly, seven weeks ago, holding her gift carefully, like a delicate, flawless crystal. Since then, how carelessly she had handled it! To what dangers and risks had she exposed that exquisite and sacred thing!

She waited for her hour between sunset and twilight. It was perfect, following a perfect day. Above the wood the sky had a violet lucidity, purer than the day; below it, the pale brown earth wore a violet haze, and over that a web of green, woven of the sparse, thin blades of the young wheat. There were two ways up the hill; one over her own bridge across the river, that led her to the steep, straight path through the wood; one over the Farm bridge by the slanting path up the field. She chose the wood.

She waited for her hour between sunset and twilight. It was perfect, following a perfect day. Above the trees, the sky had a clear violet hue, more vibrant than during the day; below it, the light brown earth was covered in a violet mist, and over that was a layer of green made up of the sparse, thin blades of young wheat. There were two ways up the hill; one was her own bridge across the river, which led her to the steep, straight path through the woods; the other was the Farm bridge that took the slanted path up the field. She chose the woods.

She paused on the bridge, and looked down the valley. She saw the farm-house standing in the stillness that was its own secret and the hour’s. A strange, pale lamplight, lit too soon, showed in the windows of the room she knew. The Powells would be sitting there at their supper.

She stopped on the bridge and looked down the valley. She saw the farmhouse sitting in the quiet that belonged to it and the moment. A strange, dim lamplight, turned on too early, glowed in the windows of the room she recognized. The Powells would be having their supper there.

She went on and came to the gate of the wood. It swung open on its hinges, a sign to her that some time or other Harding Powell had passed there. She paused and looked about her. Presently she saw Harding Powell coming down the wood-path.

She walked on until she reached the gate of the woods. It swung open on its hinges, a sign that at some point Harding Powell had been there. She stopped and looked around. Soon, she saw Harding Powell coming down the path through the woods.

He stopped. He had not yet seen her. He was looking up to the arch of the beech-trees, where the green light still came through. She could see by his attitude of quiet contemplation the sane and happy creature that he was. He was sane, she knew. And yet, no; she could not really see him as sane. It was her sanity, not his own, that he walked in. Or else what she saw was the empty shell of him. He was in her. Hitherto it had been in the darkness that she had felt him most, and her fear of him had been chiefly fear of the invisible Harding, and of what he might do there in the darkness. Now her fear, which had become almost hatred, was transferred to his person. In the flesh, as in the spirit, he was pursuing her.

He stopped. He hadn't seen her yet. He was gazing up at the arch of the beech trees, where the green light still filtered through. She could tell from his quiet contemplation that he was a sane and happy person. She knew he was sane. And yet, no; she couldn't actually see him as sane. It was her sanity, not his, that he was living in. Or maybe what she saw was just his empty shell. He was inside her. Until now, she had felt him most in the darkness, and her fear of him had mostly been the fear of the invisible Harding and what he might do in that darkness. Now her fear, which had almost turned to hatred, focused on him as a person. In body, just like in spirit, he was chasing her.

He had seen her now. He was making straight for her. And she turned and ran round the eastern bend of the hill (a yard or so to the left of her) and hid from him. From where she crouched at the edge of the wood she saw him descend the lower slope to the river; by standing up and advancing a little she could see him follow the river path on the nearer side and cross by the Farm bridge.

He had seen her now. He was heading right toward her. She turned and ran around the eastern bend of the hill (about a yard or so to her left) and hid from him. From where she crouched at the edge of the woods, she watched him go down the lower slope to the river; by standing up and moving forward a bit, she could see him follow the river path on the closer side and cross by the Farm bridge.

She was sure of all that. She was sure that it did not take her more than twelve or fifteen minutes (for she had gone that way a hundred times) to get back to the gate, to walk up the little wood, to cut through it by a track in the undergrowth, and turn round the further and western end of it. Thence she could either take the long path that slanted across the field to the Farm bridge or keep to the upper ground along a trail in the grass skirting the wood, and so reach home by the short, straight path and her own bridge.

She was confident about all of that. She knew it didn’t take her more than twelve or fifteen minutes (since she had walked that route a hundred times) to get back to the gate, walk up the small woods, cut through it on a path in the undergrowth, and circle around the far western end. From there, she could either take the long path slanting across the field to the Farm bridge or stick to the higher ground along a grassy trail next to the woods, allowing her to reach home via the short, straight path and her own bridge.

She decided on the short, straight path as leading her farther from the farm-house, where there could be no doubt that Harding Powell was now. At the point she had reached, the jutting corner of the wood hid from her the downward slope of the hill, and the flat land at its foot.

She chose the short, straight path that took her further away from the farmhouse, where it was clear that Harding Powell was now. At the point she reached, the protruding corner of the woods blocked her view of the downhill slope and the flat land at its base.

As she turned the corner of the wood, she was brought suddenly in sight of the valley. A hot wave swept over her brain, so strong that she staggered as it passed. It was followed by a strange sensation of physical sickness, that passed also. It was then as if what went through her had charged her nerves of sight to a pitch of insane and horrible sensibility. The green of the grass, and of the young corn, the very colour of life, was violent and frightful. Not only was it abominable in itself, it was a thing to be shuddered at, because of some still more abominable significance it had.

As she rounded the corner of the woods, she suddenly caught sight of the valley. A scorching wave surged through her mind, so intense that she staggered after it passed. This was followed by a strange feeling of physical nausea, which also faded away. It was then as if what had coursed through her had jacked up her eyesight to a level of wild and terrifying sensitivity. The green of the grass and the young corn, the very color of life, appeared violent and horrifying. It wasn't just disgusting in itself; it was something to dread because of an even more appalling meaning it carried.

Agatha had known once, standing where she stood now, an exaltation of sense that was ecstasy; when every leaf and every blade of grass shone with a divine translucence; when every nerve in her thrilled, and her whole being rang with the joy which is immanent in the life of things.

Agatha had once experienced, standing where she was now, a sense of joy that felt like ecstasy; when every leaf and every blade of grass glowed with a heavenly brightness; when every nerve in her buzzed, and her entire being resonated with the joy that is inherent in the life around her.

What she experienced now (if she could have given any account of it) was exaltation at the other end of the scale. It was horror and fear unspeakable. Horror and fear immanent in the life of things. She saw the world in a loathsome transparency; she saw it with the eye of a soul in which no sense of the divine had ever been, of a soul that denied the supernatural. It had been Harding Powell’s soul, and it had become hers.

What she was experiencing now (if she could have put it into words) was the opposite of joy. It was unspeakable horror and fear. Fear and horror were inherent in the essence of everything. She viewed the world with a disgusting clarity; she saw it through the eyes of a soul that had never known the divine, a soul that rejected the supernatural. It had been Harding Powell’s soul, and now it was hers.

Furiously, implacably, he was getting at her.

Furiously, unrelentingly, he was attacking her.

Out of the wood and the hedges that bordered it there came sounds that were horrible, because she knew them to be inaudible to any ear less charged with insanity; small sounds of movement, of strange shiverings, swarmings, crepitations; sounds of incessant, infinitely subtle urging, of agony and recoil. Sounds they were of the invisible things unborn, driven towards birth; sounds of the worm unborn, of things that creep and writhe towards dissolution. She knew what she heard and saw. She heard the stirring of the corruption that Life was; the young blades of corn were frightful to her, for in them was the push, the passion of the evil which was Life; the trees, as they stretched out their arms and threatened her, were frightful with the terror which was Life. Down there, in that gross green hot-bed, the earth teemed with the abomination; and the river, livid, white, a monstrous thing, crawled, dragging with it the very slime.

Out of the woods and the bushes surrounding them came sounds that were horrifying, because she knew that only someone as disturbed as she could hear them; tiny sounds of movement, strange shivers, swarms, and crackling; sounds of constant, incredibly subtle pushing, of pain and retreat. They were sounds of invisible, unborn things, striving to be born; sounds of the unborn worm, of creatures that crawl and twist toward decay. She recognized what she heard and saw. She heard the stirring of the rot that was Life; the young blades of corn frightened her because in them was the drive, the desire of the evil that was Life; the trees, as they extended their branches and threatened her, were terrifying with the horror that was Life. Down there, in that thick, warm patch of greenery, the earth swarmed with the abomination; and the river, pale and white, a monstrous entity, flowed slowly, dragging along the very filth.

All this she perceived in a flash, when she had turned the corner. It sank into stillness and grew dim; she was aware of it only as the scene, the region in which one thing, her terror, moved and hunted her. Among sounds of the rustling of leaves, and the soft crush of grass, and the whirring of little wings in fright, she heard it go; it went on the other side of the hedge, a little way behind her as she skirted the wood. She stood still to let it pass her, and she felt that it passed, and that it stopped and waited. A terrified bird flew out of the hedge, no further than a fledgling’s flight in front of her. And in that place it flew from she saw Harding Powell.

All of this hit her all at once when she turned the corner. Everything became quiet and dim; she sensed it only as the place, the area where one thing—her fear—was moving and chasing her. Among the sounds of rustling leaves, the soft crunch of grass, and the fluttering of tiny wings in panic, she heard it moving; it went on the other side of the hedge, just a little behind her as she walked along the edge of the woods. She paused to let it pass, feeling that it had gone by and then stopped to wait. A frightened bird darted out from the hedge, barely a fledgling’s distance in front of her. And in that spot it flew from, she saw Harding Powell.

He was crouching under the hedge as she had crouched when she had hidden from him. His face was horrible, but not more horrible than the Terror that had gone behind her; and she heard herself crying out to him: “Harding! Harding!” appealing to him against the implacable, unseen Pursuer.

He was crouched under the hedge just like she had been when she was hiding from him. His face was terrifying, but not more so than the fear that had followed her; and she heard herself calling out to him: “Harding! Harding!” reaching out to him against the relentless, unseen pursuer.

He had risen (she saw him rise), but as she called his name he became insubstantial, and she saw a Thing, a nameless, unnameable, shapeless Thing, proceeding from him. A brown, blurred Thing, transparent as dusk is, that drifted on the air. It was torn and tormented, a fragment parted and flung off from some immense and as yet invisible cloud of horror. It drifted from her; it dissolved like smoke on the hillside; and the Thing that had born and begotten it pursued her.

He had risen (she saw him rise), but as she called his name, he became insubstantial, and she saw a Thing, a nameless, unnameable, shapeless Thing, coming from him. A brown, blurred Thing, as transparent as dusk, that drifted through the air. It was torn and tormented, a fragment that had broken off and been cast away from some huge, yet invisible cloud of horror. It drifted away from her; it vanished like smoke on the hillside; and the Thing that had created it followed her.

She bowed under it, and turned from the edge of the wood, the horrible place it had been born in; she ran before it, headlong down the field, trampling the young corn under her feet. As she ran she heard a voice in the valley, a voice of amazement and entreaty, calling to her in a sort of song.

She lowered her head and turned away from the edge of the woods, the terrible place where it had come from; she sprinted forward, racing down the field, crushing the young corn beneath her feet. As she ran, she heard a voice in the valley, a voice filled with wonder and pleading, calling to her in a kind of song.

“What—are—you—running for—Aggy—Aggy?”

“What are you running for, Aggy?”

It was Milly’s voice that called.

It was Milly’s voice that called.

Then as she came, still headlong, to the river, she heard Harding’s voice saying something, she did not know what. She couldn’t stop to listen to him, or to consider how he came to be there in the valley, when a minute ago she had seen him by the edge of the wood, up on the very top of the hill.

Then, as she rushed to the river, she heard Harding’s voice saying something she couldn’t quite make out. She didn’t have time to listen to him or think about how he ended up in the valley when just a minute ago she had seen him by the edge of the woods, up on the very top of the hill.

He was on the bridge—the Farm bridge—now. He held out his hand to steady her as she came on over the swinging plank.

He was on the bridge—the Farm bridge—now. He extended his hand to steady her as she walked over the swinging plank.

She knew that he had led her to the other side, and that he was standing there, still saying something, and that she answered.

She knew he had taken her to the other side, and he was standing there, still talking, and she responded.

“Have you no pity on me? Can’t you let me go?” And then she broke from him and ran.

“Do you have no compassion for me? Can’t you just let me go?” Then she broke free from him and ran away.

XI
XI

She was awake all that night. Harding Powell and the horror begotten of him had no pity; he would not let her go. Her gift, her secret, was powerless now against the pursuer.

She stayed awake all night. Harding Powell and the terror he brought had no mercy; he wouldn’t let her escape. Her talent, her secret, was useless now against the one chasing her.

She had a light burning in her room till morning, for she was afraid of sleep. Those unlit roads down which, if she slept, the Thing would surely hunt her, were ten times more terrible than the white-washed, familiar room where it merely watched and waited.

She kept a light on in her room until morning because she was scared of sleeping. The dark paths that the Thing would surely chase her down if she fell asleep were way more terrifying than the familiar, white-washed room where it just watched and waited.

In the morning she found a letter on her breakfast-table, which she said Mrs. Powell had left late last evening, after Agatha had gone to bed. Milly wrote: “Dearest Agatha,— Of course I understand. But are we never going to see you again? What was the matter with you last night? You terrified poor Harding.— Yours ever, M. P.”

In the morning, she found a letter on her breakfast table that she said Mrs. Powell had left late the previous evening, after Agatha had gone to bed. Milly wrote: “Dearest Agatha,— Of course I understand. But are we never going to see you again? What was wrong with you last night? You terrified poor Harding.— Yours ever, M. P.”

Without knowing why, Agatha tore the letter into bits and burned them in the flame of a candle. She watched them burn.

Without knowing why, Agatha ripped the letter into pieces and burned them in a candle's flame. She watched them burn.

“Of course,” she said to herself, “that isn’t sane of me.”

“Of course,” she said to herself, “that’s not sane of me.”

And when she had gone round her house and shut all the doors and locked them, and drawn down the blinds in every closed window, and found herself cowering over her fireless hearth, shuddering with fear, she knew that, whether she were mad or not, there was madness in her. She knew that her face in the glass (she had the courage to look at it) was the face of an insane terror let loose.

And when she had gone around her house and shut all the doors and locked them, and pulled down the blinds in every closed window, and found herself huddled over her cold fireplace, shaking with fear, she realized that, whether she was crazy or not, there was madness within her. She knew that her reflection in the mirror (she had the bravery to look at it) was the face of unrestrained terror.

That she did know it, that there were moments—flashes—in which she could contemplate her state and recognize it for what it was, showed that there was still a trace of sanity in her. It was not her own madness that possessed her. It was, or rather, it had been, Harding Powell’s; she had taken it from him. That was what it meant—to take away madness.

That she was aware of it, that there were moments—glimpses—when she could reflect on her situation and see it for what it was, indicated that a part of her was still sane. It wasn’t her own madness that controlled her. It was, or rather, it had been, Harding Powell’s; she had adopted it from him. That’s what it meant—to take away madness.

There could be no doubt as to what had happened, nor as to the way of its happening. The danger of it, utterly unforeseen, was part of the very operation of the gift. In the process of getting at Harding to heal him she had had to destroy, not only the barriers of flesh and blood, but those innermost walls of personality that divide and protect, mercifully, one spirit from another. With the first thinning of the walls Harding’s insanity had leaked through to her, with the first breach it had broken in. It had been transferred to her complete with all its details, with its very gestures, in all the phases that it ran through; Harding’s premonitory fears and tremblings; Harding’s exalted sensibility; Harding’s abominable vision of the world, that vision from which the resplendent divinity had perished; Harding’s flight before the pursuing Terror. She was sitting now as Harding had sat when she found him crouching over the hearth in that horrible room with the drawn blinds. It seemed to her that to have a madness of your own would not be so very horrible. It would be, after all, your own. It could not possibly be one-half so horrible as this, to have somebody else’s madness put into you.

There was no doubt about what had happened or how it happened. The danger, completely unexpected, was part of the whole process of the gift. In trying to help Harding heal, she had to break down not only the physical barriers but also the deepest walls of personality that separate and protect, unfortunately, one spirit from another. As those walls first started to thin, Harding’s insanity began to seep through to her; with the first crack, it burst in. It had been transferred to her with all its specifics, including its gestures, through all the stages it went through: Harding’s anxious fears and shakes; Harding’s heightened sensitivity; Harding’s terrible view of the world, a view from which the brilliant divinity had vanished; Harding’s flight from the relentless Terror. She was now sitting the way Harding had when she found him huddled over the fireplace in that awful room with the blinds drawn. It occurred to her that having your own madness might not be so terrible. After all, it would be yours. It couldn’t possibly be half as horrible as this—having someone else’s madness forced into you.

The one thing by which she knew herself was the desire that no longer ran underground, but emerged and appeared before her, lit by her lucid flashes, naked and unshamed.

The one thing she recognized about herself was the desire that no longer stayed hidden underground but came out into the open, illuminated by her clear insights, bare and unashamed.

She still knew her own. And there was something in her still that was greater than the thing that inhabited her, the pursuer, the pursued, who had rushed into her as his refuge, his sanctuary; and that was her fear of him and of what he might do there. If her doors stood open to him, they stood open to Bella and to Rodney Lanyon too. What else had she been trying for, if it were not to break down in all three of them the barriers of flesh and blood, and to transmit the Power? In the unthinkable sacrament to which she called them they had all three partaken. And since the holy thing could suffer her to be thus permeated, saturated with Harding Powell, was it to be supposed that she could keep him to herself, that she would not pass him on to Rodney Lanyon?

She still recognized her own. And there was something within her that was stronger than the presence that occupied her, the pursuer, the pursued, who had sought refuge in her as his safe space; and that was her fear of him and what he could do there. If her doors were open to him, they were open to Bella and Rodney Lanyon as well. What else had she been trying for if not to break down the barriers of flesh and blood among all three of them and to pass on the Power? In the unimaginable sacrament she invited them to, all three had taken part. And since the sacred thing allowed her to be so filled, so infused with Harding Powell, could it really be expected that she could keep him for herself, that she wouldn't pass him on to Rodney Lanyon?

It was not, after all, incredible. If he could get at her, of course he could get, through her, at Rodney.

It wasn't, after all, unbelievable. If he could reach her, then of course he could reach Rodney through her.

That was the Terror of terrors, and it was her own. That it could subsist together with that alien horror, that it remained supreme beside it, proved that there was still some tract in her where the invader had not yet penetrated. In her love for Rodney and her fear for him she entrenched herself against the destroyer. There at least she knew herself impregnable.

That was the worst fear, and it was hers alone. The fact that it could coexist with that foreign dread, and that it still remained dominant alongside it, showed there was still a part of her where the invader hadn’t reached yet. In her love for Rodney and her worry for him, she built a defense against the destroyer. There, at least, she felt secure.

It was in such a luminous flash that she saw the thing still in her own hands, and resolved that it should cease.

It was in that bright moment that she saw the thing still in her hands and decided it needed to stop.

She would have to break her word to Milly. She would have to let Harding go, to loosen deliberately his hold on her and cut him off. It could be done. She had held him through her gift, and it would be still possible, through the gift, to let him go. Of course she knew it would be hard.

She would have to go back on her promise to Milly. She would need to let Harding go, to intentionally loosen his grip on her and cut him off. It could be done. She had kept him close through her gift, and it would still be possible, through the gift, to let him go. Of course, she knew it would be difficult.

It was hard. It was terrible; for he clung. She had not counted on his clinging. It was as if, in their undivided substance, he had had knowledge of her purpose and had prepared himself to fight it. He hung on desperately; he refused to yield an inch of the ground he had taken from her. He was no longer a passive thing in that world where she had brought him. And he had certain advantages. He had possessed her for three nights and for three days. She had made herself porous to him; and her sleep had always been his opportunity.

It was hard. It was terrible; because he held on tight. She hadn’t expected his tenacity. It was as if, in their unified essence, he understood her intentions and had braced himself to resist. He hung on desperately; he refused to give up even an inch of the ground he had taken from her. He was no longer a passive presence in the world she had introduced him to. And he had certain advantages. He had been with her for three nights and three days. She had made herself vulnerable to him; and her sleep had always been his chance.

It took her three nights and three days to cast him out. In the first night she struggled with him. She lay with all her senses hushed, and brought the divine darkness round her, but in the darkness she was aware that she struggled. She could build up the walls between them, but she knew that as fast as she built them he tore at them and pulled them down.

It took her three nights and three days to get rid of him. On the first night, she fought with him. She lay there trying to quiet all her senses and surrounded herself with a heavy darkness, but even in that darkness, she realized she was still battling. She could create barriers between them, but she knew that for every wall she built, he would just tear it down.

She bore herself humbly towards the Power that permitted him. She conceived of it as holiness—estranged and offended; she pleaded with it. She could no longer trust her knowledge of its working, but she tried to come to terms with it. She offered herself as a propitiation, as a substitute for Rodney Lanyon, if there was no other way by which he might be saved.

She humbly accepted the power that allowed him to exist. She viewed it as something holy—alien and angry; she begged for mercy. She could no longer rely on her understanding of how it worked, but she tried to negotiate with it. She offered herself as a sacrifice, a substitute for Rodney Lanyon, if there was no other way to save him.

Apparently, that was not the way it worked. Harding seemed to gain. But, as he kept her awake all night, he had no chance to establish himself, as he would otherwise have done, in her sleep. The odds between her and her adversary were even.

Apparently, that wasn't how it worked. Harding seemed to be winning. But, since he kept her up all night, he didn't have the opportunity to establish himself, as he would have done, in her sleep. The odds between her and her opponent were even.

The second night she gained. She felt that she had built up her walls again; that she had cut Harding off. With spiritual pain, with the tearing of the bonds of compassion, with a supreme agony of rupture, he parted from her.

The second night she gained. She felt like she had put her walls back up; that she had shut Harding out. With emotional pain, with the breaking of the ties of compassion, with an intense agony of separation, he left her.

Possibly the Power was neutral; for in the dawn after the second night she slept. That sleep left her uncertain of the event. There was no telling into what unguarded depths it might have carried her. She knew that she had been free of her adversary before she slept, but the chances were that he had got at her in her sleep. Since the Power held the balance even between her and the invader, it would no doubt permit him to enter by any loophole that he could seize.

Possibly the Power was neutral; for in the dawn after the second night she slept. That sleep left her unsure of what had happened. There was no telling how deep it might have taken her. She knew she had been free of her adversary before she slept, but it was likely that he had reached her while she was sleeping. Since the Power maintained the balance between her and the invader, it would probably allow him to take advantage of any opening he could find.

On the third night, as it were in the last watch, she surrendered, but not to Harding Powell.

On the third night, during the final watch, she gave in, but not to Harding Powell.

She could not say how it came to her; she was lying in her bed with her eyes shut and her arms held apart from her body, diminishing all contacts, stripping for her long slide into the cleansing darkness, when she found herself recalling some forgotten, yet inalienable knowledge that she had. Something said to her: “Do you not remember? There is no striving and no crying in the world which you would enter. There is no more appeasing where peace is. You cannot make your own terms with the high and holy Power. It is not enough to give yourself for Rodney Lanyon, for he is more to you than you are yourself. Besides, any substitution of self for self would be useless, for there is no more self there. That is why the Power cannot work that way. But if it should require you, here on this side the threshold, to give him up, to give up your desire of him, what then? Would you loose your hold on him and let him go?”

She couldn't explain how it happened; she was lying in bed with her eyes closed and her arms stretched out, pulling away from her body, minimizing all connections, preparing for her deep dive into the cleansing darkness. In that moment, she suddenly remembered some forgotten yet essential truth she possessed. Something told her: “Don’t you remember? There is no struggle and no sorrow in the world you’re about to enter. There’s no more appeasing where peace is. You cannot negotiate your own terms with the high and holy Power. It’s not enough to give yourself for Rodney Lanyon, because he means more to you than you do to yourself. Besides, any swapping of self for self would be pointless since there’s no more self left. That’s why the Power can’t operate that way. But if it requires you, here on this side of the threshold, to let him go, to give up your desire for him, then what? Would you release your grip on him and set him free?”

“Would you?” the voice insisted.

"Would you?" the voice pressed.

She heard herself answer from the pure threshold of the darkness: “I would.”

She heard herself reply from the deep darkness: “I would.”

Sleep came on her there; a divine sleep from beyond the threshold; sacred, inviolate sleep.

Sleep enveloped her then; a heavenly sleep from beyond the threshold; sacred, untouched sleep.

It was the seal upon the bond.

It was the seal on the contract.

XII
XII

She woke on Friday morning to a vivid and indestructible certainty of escape.

She woke up on Friday morning with a clear and unshakeable feeling that she would escape.

But there had been a condition attached to her deliverance; and it was borne in on her that instead of waiting for the Power to force its terms on her, she would do well to be beforehand with it. Friday was Rodney’s day, and this time she knew that he would come. His coming, of course, was nothing, but he had told her plainly that he would not go. She must, therefore, wire to him not to come.

But there was a condition tied to her freedom, and it became clear to her that instead of waiting for the Power to impose its terms on her, it would be better to take action first. Friday was Rodney’s day, and this time she was confident that he would come. His arrival, of course, meant nothing, but he had clearly told her that he wouldn't leave. So, she had to text him not to come.

In order to do this she had to get up early and walk about a mile to the nearest village. She took the shortest way, which was by the Farm bridge, and up the slanting path to the far end of the wood. She knew vaguely that once, as she turned the corner of the wood, there had been horrors, and that the divine beauty of green pastures and still waters had appeared to her as a valley of the shadow of evil, but she had no more memory of what she had seen than of a foul dream, three nights dead. She went at first uplifted in the joy of her deliverance, drawing into her the light and fragrance of the young morning. Then she remembered Harding Powell. She had noticed as she passed the Farm-house that the blinds were drawn again in all the windows. That was because Harding and Milly were gone. She thought of Harding, of Milly, with an immense tenderness and compassion, but also with lucidity, with sanity. They had gone—yesterday—and she had not seen them. That could not be helped. She had done all that was possible. She could not have seen them as long as the least taint of Harding’s malady remained with her. And how could she have faced Milly after having broken her word to her?

To do this, she had to wake up early and walk about a mile to the nearest village. She took the shortest route, which was by the Farm bridge, and up the sloping path to the far end of the woods. She vaguely remembered that once, when she turned the corner of the woods, there had been horrors, and that the beautiful green pastures and still waters had felt to her like a valley of the shadow of evil, but she couldn't remember what she had seen any more than a bad dream from three nights ago. At first, she felt uplifted by the joy of her freedom, soaking in the light and fragrance of the fresh morning. Then she thought of Harding Powell. She noticed as she passed the Farmhouse that the blinds were drawn in all the windows again. That was because Harding and Milly were gone. She thought of Harding and Milly with a deep tenderness and compassion, but also with clarity and sanity. They had left—yesterday—and she hadn’t seen them. That couldn’t be helped. She had done everything she could. She couldn't have seen them as long as there was even the slightest trace of Harding’s illness lingering with her. And how could she have faced Milly after breaking her promise to her?

Not that she regretted even that, the breaking of her word, so sane was she. She could conceive that, if it had not been for Rodney Lanyon, she might have had the courage to have gone on. She might have considered that she was bound to save Harding, even at the price of her own sanity, since there was her word to Milly. But it might be questioned whether by holding on to him she would have kept it, whether she really could have saved him that way. She was no more than a vehicle, a crystal vessel for the inscrutable and secret Power, and in destroying her utterly, Harding would have destroyed himself. You could not transmit the Power through a broken crystal—why, not even through one that had a flaw.

Not that she regretted it, breaking her promise, because she was so clear-headed. She could see that if it hadn’t been for Rodney Lanyon, she might have had the strength to keep going. She might have felt she had to save Harding, even if it meant sacrificing her own sanity, since she had promised Milly. But it could be argued that by holding on to him, she wouldn’t have upheld that promise, and she truly might not have been able to save him that way. She was nothing more than a vessel, a clear container for the mysterious and hidden Power, and by completely destroying herself, Harding would have ended up destroying himself too. You can’t pass the Power through a broken crystal—actually, not even through one that has a flaw.

There had been a flaw somewhere; so much was certain. And as she searched now for the flaw, with her luminous sanity, she found it in her fear. She knew, she had always known, the danger of taking fear, and the thought of fear with her into that world where to think was to will, and to will was to create. But for the rest, she had tried to make herself clear as crystal. And what could she do more than give up Rodney?

There was definitely something wrong; that much was clear. As she searched for the issue now, with her sharp mind, she realized it was rooted in her fear. She understood, and had always understood, the risk of bringing fear—and the idea of fear—with her into that world where thinking meant wanting, and wanting meant creating. But other than that, she had done her best to be completely open. What more could she do than let go of Rodney?

As she set her face towards the village, she was sustained by a sacred ardour, a sacrificial exaltation. But as she turned homewards across the solitary fields, she realized the sadness, the desolation of the thing she had accomplished. He would not come. Her message would reach him two hours before the starting of the train he always came by.

As she faced the village, she felt a profound passion, a deep sense of purpose. But as she headed back across the empty fields, the weight of what she had done hit her—the sadness, the emptiness of it all. He wouldn’t be coming. Her message would arrive just two hours before the train he always took.

Across the village she saw her white house shining, and the windows of his room (her study, which was always his room when he came); its lattices were flung open as if it welcomed him.

Across the village, she saw her white house sparkling, and the windows of his room (her study, which was always his room when he visited); its shutters were thrown open as if it was welcoming him.

Something had happened there.

Something occurred there.

Her maid was standing by the garden gate, looking for her. As she approached, the girl came over the field to meet her. She had an air of warning her, of preparing her for something.

Her maid was standing by the garden gate, looking for her. As she got closer, the girl came across the field to meet her. She seemed to be warning her, getting her ready for something.

It was Mrs. Powell, the maid said. She had come again. She was in there, waiting for Miss Agatha. She wouldn’t go away; she had gone straight in. She was in an awful state. The maid thought it was something to do with Mr. Powell.

It was Mrs. Powell, the maid said. She had come again. She was in there, waiting for Miss Agatha. She wouldn’t leave; she had gone straight in. She looked really upset. The maid thought it had something to do with Mr. Powell.

They had not gone, then.

They haven't left, then.

“If I were you, miss,” the maid was saying, “I wouldn’t see her.”

“If I were you, miss,” the maid said, “I wouldn’t go see her.”

“Of course I shall see her.”

“Of course I will see her.”

She went at once into the room where Rodney might have been, where Milly was. Milly rose from the corner where she sat averted.

She immediately went into the room where Rodney might be, where Milly was. Milly got up from the corner where she had been sitting with her back turned.

“Agatha,” she said, “I had to come.”

“Agatha,” she said, “I had to come.”

Agatha kissed the white, suppliant face that Milly lifted. “I thought,” she said, “you’d gone—yesterday.”

Agatha kissed the pale, pleading face that Milly raised. “I thought,” she said, “you’d left—yesterday.”

“We couldn’t go. He—he’s ill again.”

“We couldn’t go. He—he’s sick again.”

“Ill?”

"Sick?"

“Yes. Didn’t you see the blinds down as you passed?”

“Yes. Didn’t you notice the blinds were down as you walked by?”

“I thought it was because you’d gone.”

“I thought it was because you were gone.”

“It’s because that thing’s come back again.”

"It’s because that thing's back again."

“When did it come, Milly?”

"When did it arrive, Milly?"

“It’s been coming for three days.”

“It’s been coming for three days.”

Agatha drew in her breath with a pang. It was just three days since she began to let him go.

Agatha breathed in sharply, feeling a pang in her chest. It had only been three days since she started to let him go.

Milly went on. “And now he won’t come out of the house. He says he’s being hunted. He’s afraid of being seen, being found. He’s in there—in that room. He made me lock him in.”

Milly continued. “And now he won’t come out of the house. He says he’s being hunted. He’s scared of being seen, of being found. He’s in there—in that room. He made me lock him in.”

They stared at each other and at the horror that their faces took and gave back each to each.

They looked at each other and at the fear reflected in their faces and how it was returned from one to the other.

“Oh, Aggy—” Milly cried it out in her anguish.

“Oh, Aggy—” Milly exclaimed in her distress.

“You will help him?”

“Are you going to help him?”

“I can’t.” Agatha heard her voice go dry in her throat.

“I can’t.” Agatha felt her voice catch in her throat.

“You can’t?”

"You can't?"

Agatha shook her head.

Agatha shook her head.

“You mean you haven’t, then?”

“You haven't, then?”

“I haven’t. I couldn’t.”

“I haven’t. I can’t.”

“But you told me—you told me you were giving yourself up to it. You said that was why you couldn’t see us.”

“But you told me—you told me you were surrendering yourself to it. You said that’s why you couldn’t be with us.”

“It was why. Do sit down, Milly.”

“It was why. Please sit down, Milly.”

They sat down, still staring at each other. Agatha faced the window, so that the light ravaged her.

They sat down, still staring at each other. Agatha faced the window, letting the light wash over her.

Milly went on. “That was why I left you alone. I thought you were going on. You said you wouldn’t let him go; you promised me you’d keep on—”

Milly continued. “That’s why I left you alone. I thought you were moving ahead. You said you wouldn’t let him go; you promised me you’d keep going—”

“I did keep on, till—”

“I kept going until—”

But Milly had only paused to hold down a sob. Her voice broke out again, clear, harsh, accusing.

But Milly had just taken a moment to suppress a sob. Her voice came out again, sharp, loud, and accusatory.

“What were you doing all that time?”

“What were you doing this whole time?”

“Of course,” said Agatha, “you’re bound to think I let you down.”

"Of course," Agatha said, "you're probably thinking I let you down."

“What am I to think?”

“What should I think?”

“Milly—I asked you not to think it was me.”

“Milly—I told you not to think it was me.”

“Of course I knew it was the Power, not you. But you had hold of it. You did something. Something that other people can’t do. You did it for one night, and that night he was well. You kept on for six weeks, and he was well all that time. You leave off for three days—I know when you left off—and he’s ill again. And then you tell me it isn’t you. It is you; and if it’s you, you can’t give him up. You can’t stand by, Aggy, and refuse to help him. You know what it was. How can you bear to let him suffer? How can you?”

“Of course I knew it was the Power, not you. But you were the one channeling it. You did something. Something that other people can’t do. You did it for one night, and that night he was fine. You kept it up for six weeks, and he was fine the whole time. You stopped for three days—I know when you stopped—and he got sick again. And then you tell me it isn’t you. It is you; and if it’s you, you can’t walk away from him. You can’t just stand there, Aggy, and refuse to help him. You know what it was. How can you stand by and let him suffer? How can you?”

“I can, because I must.”

"I can, because I have to."

“And why must you?”

“And why do you have to?”

Milly raised her head more in defiance than in supplication.

Milly lifted her head more out of defiance than out of a plea.

“Because—I told you—I might give out. Well—I have given out.”

“Because—I told you—I might lose it. Well—I have lost it.”

“You told me the Power can’t give out—that you’ve only got to hold on to it—that it’s no effort. I’m only asking you, Aggy, to hold on.”

“You told me the Power doesn’t run out—that you just have to hold on to it—that it’s not hard. I’m just asking you, Aggy, to hold on.”

“You don’t know what you’re asking.”

“You don’t understand what you’re asking for.”

“I’m asking you only to do what you have done, to give five minutes in the day to him. You said it was enough. Only five minutes. It isn’t much to ask.”

“I’m asking you to do exactly what you’ve already done, to spare five minutes in the day for him. You said that was enough. Just five minutes. It’s not a lot to ask.”

Agatha sighed.

Agatha let out a sigh.

“What difference could it make to you—five minutes?”

“What difference does five minutes make to you?”

“You don’t understand,” said Agatha.

"You don't get it," said Agatha.

“I do. I don’t ask you to see him, or to bother with him; only to go on as you were doing.”

“I do. I’m not asking you to meet him or to deal with him; just keep doing what you were doing.”

“You don’t understand. It isn’t possible to explain it. I can’t go on.”

“You don’t get it. It’s impossible to explain. I can’t keep doing this.”

“I see. You’re tired, Aggy. Well—not now, not to-day. But later, when you’re rested, won’t you?”

“I get it. You’re tired, Aggy. Well—not now, not today. But later, when you’ve had a chance to rest, will you?”

“Oh, Milly, dear Milly, if I could—”

“Oh, Milly, sweet Milly, if I could—”

“You can. You will. I know you will—”

“You can. You will. I believe you will—”

“No. You must understand it. Never again. Never again.”

“No. You need to get this. Never again. Never again.”

“Never?”

"Never?"

“Never.”

"No way."

There was a long silence. At last Milly’s voice crept through, strained and thin, feebly argumentative, the voice of a thing defeated and yet unconvinced.

There was a long silence. Finally, Milly's voice broke through, strained and weak, sounding somewhat argumentative, like someone who had been defeated but still wasn't convinced.

“I don’t understand you, Agatha. You say it isn’t you; you say you’re only a connecting link; that you do nothing; that the Power that does it is inexhaustible; that there’s nothing it can’t do, nothing it won’t do for us, and yet you go and cut yourself off from it—deliberately, from the thing you believe to be divine.”

“I don’t get you, Agatha. You say it’s not you; you say you’re just a connecting link; that you do nothing; that the Power behind it is endless; that there’s nothing it can’t do, nothing it won’t do for us, and yet you choose to cut yourself off from it—on purpose, from what you think is divine.”

“I haven’t cut myself off from it.”

“I haven’t disconnected myself from it.”

“You’ve cut Harding off,” said Milly. “If you refuse to hold him.”

“You've cut Harding off,” Milly said. “If you won't support him.”

“That wouldn’t cut him off—from It. But, Milly, holding him was bad; it wasn’t safe.”

“That wouldn’t disconnect him—from It. But, Milly, holding him was wrong; it wasn’t safe.”

“It saved him.”

"It saved him."

“All the same, Milly, it wasn’t safe. The thing itself isn’t.”

“All the same, Milly, it wasn’t safe. The thing itself isn’t.”

“The Power? The divine thing?”

"The Power? The divine force?"

“Yes. It’s divine and it’s—it’s terrible. It does terrible things to us.”

“Yes. It’s amazing and it’s—it’s awful. It does awful things to us.”

“How could it? If it’s divine, wouldn’t it be compassionate? Do you suppose it’s less compassionate than—you are? Why, Agatha, when it’s goodness and purity itself—?”

“How could it? If it’s divine, wouldn’t it be compassionate? Do you think it’s less compassionate than—you are? Why, Agatha, when it’s goodness and purity itself—?”

“Goodness and purity are terrible. We don’t understand it. It’s got its own laws. What you call prayer’s all right—it would be safe, I mean—I suppose it might get answered anyway, however we fell short. But this—this is different. It’s the highest, Milly; and if you rush in and make for the highest, can’t you see, oh, can’t you see how it might break you? Can’t you see what it requires of you? Absolute purity. I told you, Milly. You have to be crystal to it—crystal without a flaw.”

“Goodness and purity are intimidating. We just don't get it. They follow their own rules. What you call prayer is fine—it seems safe, I suppose it could be answered regardless of how we mess up. But this—this is something else. It’s the highest, Milly; and if you rush in and go for the highest, can’t you see, oh, can’t you see how it might break you? Can’t you see what it demands of you? Total purity. I told you, Milly. You have to be flawless—absolutely flawless.”

“And—if there were a flaw?”

“And—if there’s a flaw?”

“The whole thing, don’t you see, would break down; it would be no good. In fact, it would be awfully dangerous.”

“The whole thing, you see, would fall apart; it wouldn’t work. In fact, it would be really dangerous.”

“To whom?”

"Who to?"

“To you—to them, the people you’re helping. You make a connection; you smash down all the walls so that you—you get through to each other; and supposing there was something wrong with you, and it doesn’t work any longer (the Power, I mean), don’t you see you might do harm where you were trying to help?”

“To you—to them, the people you’re helping. You create a connection; you break down all the barriers so that you— you reach each other; and if there was something wrong with you, and it doesn’t work anymore (the Power, I mean), don’t you see you could cause harm where you were trying to help?”

“But—Agatha—there was nothing wrong with you.”

“But—Agatha—there was nothing wrong with you.”

“How do I know? Can anybody be sure there’s nothing wrong with them?”

“How can I be sure? Can anyone really know there's nothing wrong with them?”

“You think,” said Milly, “there was a flaw somewhere?”

“You think,” Milly said, “that there was a problem somewhere?”

“There must have been—somewhere—”

“There must have been—somewhere—”

“What was it? Can’t you find out? Can’t you think? Think.”

“What was it? Can’t you figure it out? Can’t you come up with something? Think.”

“Sometimes—I’ve thought it may have been my fear.”

“Sometimes—I think it might have been my fear.”

“Fear?”

"Fear?"

“Yes, it’s the worst thing. Don’t you remember, I told you not to be afraid?”

“Yes, it’s the worst. Don’t you remember, I told you not to worry?”

“But, Agatha, you were not afraid.”

“But, Agatha, you weren't afraid.”

“I was—afterwards. I got frightened.”

"I was scared afterwards."

You? And you told me not to be afraid,” said Milly.

You? And you told me not to be scared,” said Milly.

“I had to tell you.”

"I needed to let you know."

“And I wasn’t afraid—afterwards. I believed in you. He believed in you.”

“And I wasn’t afraid—afterward. I believed in you. He believed in you.”

“You shouldn’t have. You shouldn’t. That was just it.”

“You really shouldn’t have. You shouldn’t. That’s all there is to it.”

“That was it? I suppose you’ll say next it was I who frightened you?”

"Is that all? I guess you'll say it was me who scared you next?"

As they faced each other there, Agatha, with the terrible, the almost supernatural lucidity she had, saw what was making Milly say that. Milly had been frightened; she felt that she had probably communicated her fright; she knew that was dangerous, and she knew that if it had done harm to Harding, she, and not Agatha, would be responsible. And because she couldn’t face her responsibility, she was trying to fasten upon Agatha some other fault than fear.

As they stood facing each other, Agatha, with her uncanny clarity, understood why Milly said that. Milly had been scared; she realized she had likely conveyed her fear; she recognized that was risky, and she knew that if it harmed Harding, she would be the one to blame, not Agatha. And because she couldn’t confront her own responsibility, she was trying to pin a different fault on Agatha instead of her fear.

“No, Milly, I don’t say you frightened me; it was my own fear.”

“No, Milly, I’m not saying you scared me; it was my own fear.”

“What was there for you to be afraid of?”

“What was there for you to be scared of?”

Agatha was silent. That was what she must never tell her, not even to make her understand. She did not know what Milly was trying to think of her; Milly might think what she liked; but she should never know what her terror had been and her danger.

Agatha was quiet. That was something she could never share with her, not even to help her understand. She had no idea what Milly was trying to think about her; Milly could think whatever she wanted; but she should never find out what her fear had been and the danger she faced.

Agatha’s silence helped Milly.

Agatha’s quiet strength supported Milly.

“Nothing,” she said, “will make me believe it was your fear that did it. That would never have made you give Harding up. Besides, you were not afraid at first, though you may have been afterwards.”

“Nothing,” she said, “will make me believe it was your fear that did it. That would never have made you give up Harding. Besides, you weren’t afraid at first, even if you might have been later.”

“Afterwards?”

“Later?”

It was her own word, but it had as yet no significance for her.

It was her own word, but it didn't mean anything to her yet.

“After—whatever it was you gave him up for. You gave him up for something.”

“After—whatever it was you let him go for. You let him go for something.”

“I did not. I never gave him up until I was afraid.”

“I didn't. I never let him go until I got scared.”

“You gave It up. You wouldn’t have done that if there had not been something. Something that stood between.”

“You gave it up. You wouldn’t have done that if there hadn’t been something. Something that got in the way.”

“If,” said Agatha, “you could only tell me what it was.”

“If,” Agatha said, “you could just tell me what it was.”

“I can’t tell you. I don’t know what came to you. I only know that if I’d had a gift like that, I would not have given it up for anything. I wouldn’t have let anything come between. I’d have kept myself—”

“I can’t say. I don’t know what made you feel that way. All I know is that if I had a gift like that, I wouldn’t have given it up for anything. I wouldn’t have let anything get in the way. I’d have held on to myself—”

“I did keep myself—for it. I couldn’t keep myself entirely for Harding; there were other things, other people. I couldn’t give them up for Harding or for anybody.”

“I did hold on to myself—for that. I couldn’t completely hold on to myself for Harding; there were other things, other people. I couldn’t give them up for Harding or anyone else.”

“Are you quite sure you kept yourself what you were, Aggy?”

“Are you absolutely sure you stayed true to who you were, Aggy?”

“What was I?”

“What am I?”

“My dear—you were absolutely pure. You said that was the condition.”

“My dear—you were completely pure. You said that was the condition.”

“Yes. And, don’t you see, who is absolutely? If you thought I was, you didn’t know me.”

“Yes. And, don’t you see, who is absolutely? If you thought I was, you didn’t know me.”

As she spoke she heard the sharp click of the latch as the garden gate fell to; she had her back to the window so that she saw nothing, but she heard footsteps that she knew, resolute and energetic footsteps that hurried to their end. She felt the red blood surge into her face, and saw that Milly’s face was white with another passion, and that Milly’s eyes were fixed on the figure of the man who came up the garden path. And without looking at her Milly answered:

As she talked, she heard the sharp click of the latch as the garden gate closed; she had her back to the window, so she couldn't see anything, but she recognized the footsteps—determined and lively steps that rushed toward their destination. She felt her face flush with color, and noticed that Milly's face was pale with a different emotion, her eyes focused on the man approaching along the garden path. Without glancing at her, Milly replied:

“I don’t know now; but I think I see, my dear——” In Milly’s pause the door-bell rang violently. Milly rose and let her have it. “What the flaw in the crystal was.”

“I don’t know now; but I think I see, my dear——” In Milly’s pause, the doorbell rang loudly. Milly got up and answered it. “What the flaw in the crystal was.”

XIII
XIII

Rodney entered the room, and it was then that Milly looked at her. Milly’s face was no longer the face of passion, but of sadness and reproach, almost of recovered incredulity. It questioned rather than accused her. It said unmistakably, “You gave him up for that?”

Rodney walked into the room, and that’s when Milly looked at her. Milly’s face was no longer one of passion; it showed sadness and disappointment, almost like she couldn’t believe what had happened. It questioned her instead of accusing her. It clearly said, “You gave him up for that?”

Agatha’s voice recalled her. “Milly, I think you know Mr. Lanyon.”

Agatha's voice brought her back. "Milly, I believe you know Mr. Lanyon."

Rodney, in acknowledging Milly’s presence, did not look at her. He saw nothing there but Agatha’s face, which showed him at last the expression that to his eyes had always been latent in it, the look of the tragic, hidden soul of terror that he had divined in her. He saw her at last as he had known he should some day see her. Terror was no longer there, but it had possessed her; it had passed through her and destroyed that other look she had from her lifted mouth and hair, the look of a thing borne on wings. Now, with her wings beaten, with her white face and haggard eyes, he saw her as a flying thing tracked down and trampled under the feet of the pursuer. He saw it in one flash as he stood there holding Milly’s hand.

Rodney, while acknowledging Milly’s presence, didn’t look at her. All he could see was Agatha’s face, which finally revealed the expression he had always sensed in her—a glimpse into the tragic, hidden terror that he had perceived. He finally saw her as he knew he would someday. The terror was gone, but it had taken over her; it had coursed through her and wiped away the other look she had with her lifted mouth and hair, the look of something soaring. Now, with her wings clipped, her pale face, and weary eyes, he saw her as a creature caught and crushed by the pursuer’s feet. He realized it in an instant as he stood there holding Milly’s hand.

Milly’s face had no significance for him. He didn’t see it. When at last he looked at her his eyes questioned her; they demanded an account from her of what he saw.

Milly’s face meant nothing to him. He didn’t notice it. When he finally looked at her, his eyes questioned her; they wanted an explanation for what he saw.

For Agatha, Milly’s face, prepared as it was for leave-taking, remained charged with meaning; it refused to divest itself of reproach and of the incredulity that challenged her. Agatha rose to it.

For Agatha, Milly’s face, ready as it was for goodbye, still held a lot of meaning; it wouldn’t let go of its disapproval and the disbelief that confronted her. Agatha rose to the challenge.

“You’re not going, Milly, just because he’s come? You needn’t.”

“You're not going, Milly, just because he's here? You don't have to.”

Milly was going.

Milly is going.

He rose to it also.

He stepped up to it too.

If Mrs. Powell would go like that—in that distressing way—she must at least let him walk back with her. Agatha wouldn’t mind. He hadn’t seen Mrs. Powell for ages.

If Mrs. Powell is going to act like that—in such a upsetting way—she at least has to let him walk back with her. Agatha wouldn’t care. He hadn’t seen Mrs. Powell in forever.

He had risen to such a height that Milly was bewildered by him. She let him walk back with her to the Farm and a little way beyond it. Agatha said good-bye to Milly at the garden gate and watched them go. Then she went up into her own room.

He had reached such a level that Milly was confused by him. She allowed him to walk back with her to the Farm and a little beyond it. Agatha said goodbye to Milly at the garden gate and watched them leave. Then she went up to her own room.

He was gone so long that she thought he was never coming back again. She didn’t want him to come back just yet, but she knew she was not afraid to see him. It didn’t occur to her to wonder why, in spite of her message, he had come, nor why he had come by an earlier train than usual; she supposed he must have started before her message could have reached him. All that, his coming or his not coming, mattered so little now.

He was gone for so long that she thought he might never return. She didn’t want him to come back just yet, but she realized she wasn’t afraid to see him. It didn’t cross her mind to question why, despite her message, he had shown up, or why he took an earlier train than usual; she figured he must have left before her message could get to him. All of that, whether he came or didn’t come, mattered so little now.

For now the whole marvellous thing was clear to her. She knew the secret of the gift. She saw luminously, almost transparently, the way it worked. Milly had shown her. Milly knew; Milly had seen; she had put her finger on the flaw.

For now, everything about the amazing gift was clear to her. She understood its secret. She could see how it worked, almost as if it were transparent. Milly had shown her. Milly knew; Milly had noticed; she had pointed out the flaw.

It was not fear; Milly had been right there too. Until the moment when Harding Powell had begun to get at her Agatha had never known what fear felt like. It was the strain of mortality in her love for Rodney; the hidden thing, unforeseen and unacknowledged, working its work in the darkness. It had been there all the time, undermining her secret, sacred places. It had made the first breach through which the fear that was not her fear had entered. She could tell the very moment when it happened.

It wasn't fear; Milly had been right there too. Until Harding Powell started to confront her, Agatha had never experienced what fear felt like. It was the weight of mortality in her love for Rodney; the hidden, unexpected thing that quietly influenced her in the shadows. It had always been there, eroding her secret, sacred spaces. It had made the initial opening through which the fear that wasn't hers slipped in. She could pinpoint the exact moment it occurred.

She had blamed poor little Milly; but it was the flaw, the flaw that had given their deadly point to Milly’s interference and Harding’s importunity. But for the flaw they could not have penetrated her profound serenity. Her gift might have been trusted to dispose of them.

She had blamed poor little Milly; but it was the flaw, the flaw that had given their deadly edge to Milly’s interference and Harding’s insistence. If it weren't for the flaw, they wouldn't have been able to break through her deep calm. Her ability might have been relied upon to handle them.

For before that moment the gift had worked indubitably; it had never missed once. She looked back on its wonders; on the healing of herself; the first healing of Rodney and Harding Powell; the healing of Bella. It had worked with a peculiar rhythm of its own, and always in a strict, a measurable proportion to the purity of her intention. To Harding’s case she had brought nothing but innocent love and clean compassion; to Bella’s nothing but a selfless and beneficent desire to help. And because in Bella’s case at least she had been flawless, of the three, Bella’s was the only cure that had lasted. It had most marvellously endured. And because of the flaw in her she had left Harding worse than she had found him. No wonder that poor Milly had reproached her.

For before that moment, the gift had definitely worked; it had never failed once. She reflected on its amazing effects: the healing of herself, the first healing of Rodney and Harding Powell, the healing of Bella. It operated with its own unique rhythm, always in a strict, measurable proportion to the purity of her intention. For Harding, she had brought nothing but innocent love and genuine compassion; for Bella, only a selfless and kind desire to help. And because she had been perfect in Bella’s case, it was the only cure that lasted of the three. It had wonderfully endured. However, due to her imperfections, she had left Harding in a worse state than she found him. No wonder that poor Milly had blamed her.

It mattered nothing that Milly’s reproaches went too far, that in Milly’s eyes she stood suspected of material sin (anything short of the tangible had never been enough for Milly); it mattered nothing that (though Milly mightn’t believe it) she had sinned only in her thought; for Agatha, who knew, that was enough; more than enough; it counted more.

It didn’t matter that Milly’s accusations were over the top, that Milly suspected her of real wrongdoing (as anything less than the obvious was never sufficient for Milly); it didn’t matter that, even if Milly didn’t believe it, she had only sinned in her thoughts; for Agatha, who understood, that was enough; more than enough; it mattered more.

For thought went wider and deeper than any deed; it was of the very order of the Powers intangible wherewith she had worked. Why, thoughts unborn and shapeless, that run under the threshold and hide there, counted more in that world where It, the Unuttered, the Hidden and the Secret, reigned.

For thoughts went broader and deeper than any action; they belonged to the realm of the intangible forces she had engaged with. Unborn and shapeless thoughts that linger beneath the surface and conceal themselves held more value in that world where It, the Unspoken, the Hidden, and the Secret, ruled.

She knew now that her surrender of last night had been the ultimate deliverance. She was not afraid any more to meet Rodney; for she had been made pure from desire; she was safeguarded for ever.

She understood now that her giving in last night had been the ultimate liberation. She wasn’t afraid anymore to face Rodney; she had been freed from desire; she was protected forever.

He had been gone about an hour when she heard him at the gate again and in the room below.

He had been gone for about an hour when she heard him at the gate again and in the room below.

She went down to him. He came forward to meet her as she entered; he closed the door behind them; but her eyes held them apart.

She walked down to him. He stepped forward to greet her as she entered; he closed the door behind them; but her eyes kept them apart.

“Did you not get my wire?” she said.

“Did you not get my message?” she said.

“Yes. I got it.”

"Yep. I got it."

“Then why—?”

"Then why—?"

“Why did I come? Because I knew what was happening. I wasn’t going to leave you here for Powell to terrify you out of your life.”

“Why did I come? Because I knew what was going on. I wasn’t going to leave you here for Powell to scare you out of your life.”

“Surely—you thought they’d gone?”

“Surely—you thought they were gone?”

“I knew they hadn’t or you wouldn’t have wired.”

“I knew they hadn’t, or you wouldn’t have wired.”

“But I would. I’d have wired in any case.”

“But I would. I’d have connected it anyway.”

“To put me off?”

"To discourage me?"

“To—put—you—off.”

“To annoy you.”

“Why?”

"Why?"

He questioned without divination or forewarning. The veil of flesh was as yet over his eyes, so that he could not see.

He questioned without any prediction or warning. The layer of flesh was still over his eyes, so he couldn't see.

“Because I didn’t mean that you should come, that you should ever come again, Rodney.”

“Because I didn’t mean for you to come, that you should ever come again, Rodney.”

He smiled.

He grinned.

“So you went back on me, did you?”

“So you backed out on me, huh?”

“If you call it going back.”

“If you want to call it going back.”

She longed for him to see.

She wanted him to pay attention.

“That was only because you were frightened,” he said. He turned from her and paced the room uneasily, as if he saw. Presently he drew up by the hearth and stood there for a moment, puzzling it out; and she thought he had seen.

"That was just because you were scared," he said. He turned away from her and walked around the room restlessly, as if he understood. After a while, he stopped by the fireplace and stood there for a moment, trying to figure it out; and she thought he understood.

He hadn’t. He faced her with a smile again.

He hadn't. He turned to her with a smile again.

“But it was no good, dear, was it? As if I wouldn’t know what it meant. You wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t been ill. You lost your nerve. No wonder, with those Powells preying on you, body and soul, for weeks.”

“But it didn’t work out, did it? As if I wouldn’t know what it meant. You wouldn’t have done it if you weren’t sick. You lost your strength. No surprise, with those Powells after you, body and soul, for weeks.”

“No, Rodney, no. I didn’t want you to come back. And I think—now—it would be better if you didn’t stay.”

“No, Rodney, no. I didn’t want you to come back. And I think—now—it would be better if you didn’t stay.”

It seemed to her now that perhaps he had seen and was fighting what he saw.

It seemed to her now that maybe he had seen it and was battling what he saw.

“I’m not going to stay,” he said, “I am going—in another hour—to take Powell away somewhere.”

“I’m not staying,” he said, “I’m leaving—in an hour—to take Powell somewhere.”

He took it up where she had made him leave it. “Then, Agatha, I shall come back again. I shall come back—let me see—on Sunday.”

He picked it up right where she had made him put it down. “So, Agatha, I’ll come back again. I’ll come back—let's see—on Sunday.”

She swept that aside.

She brushed that aside.

“Where are you going to take him?”

“Where are you taking him?”

“To a man I know who’ll look after him.”

“To a guy I know who will take care of him.”

“Oh, Rodney, it’ll break Milly’s heart.”

“Oh, Rodney, it’s going to break Milly’s heart.”

She had come, in her agitation, to where he stood. She sat on the couch by the corner of the hearth, and he looked down at her there.

She had come, feeling anxious, to where he was. She sat on the couch by the corner of the fireplace, and he looked down at her sitting there.

“No,” he said, “it won’t. It’ll give him a chance to get all right. I’ve convinced her it’s the only thing to do. He can’t be left here for you to look after.”

“No,” he said, “it won’t. It’ll give him a chance to get better. I’ve convinced her it’s the only option. He can’t be left here for you to take care of.”

“Did she tell you?”

"Did she tell you?"

“She wouldn’t have told me a thing if I hadn’t made her. I dragged it out of her, bit by bit.”

“She wouldn’t have told me anything if I hadn’t made her. I pried it out of her, piece by piece.”

“Rodney, that was cruel of you.”

“Rodney, that was really mean of you.”

“Was it? I don’t care. I’d have done it if she’d bled.”

“Was it? I don’t care. I’d have done it if she had bled.”

“What did she tell you?”

"What did she say to you?"

“Pretty nearly everything, I imagine. Quite enough for me to see what, between them, they’ve been doing to you.”

“Pretty much everything, I guess. Definitely enough for me to understand what they’ve been doing to you.”

“Did she tell you how he got well?”

“Did she tell you how he got better?”

He did not answer all at once. It was as if he drew back before the question, alien and disturbed, shirking the discerned, yet unintelligible issue.

He didn't answer right away. It was like he hesitated before the question, feeling unsettled and confused, avoiding the obvious but unclear issue.

“Did she tell you, Rodney?” Agatha repeated.

“Did she tell you, Rodney?” Agatha asked again.

“Well, yes. She told me.”

"Well, yes. She told me."

He seemed to be making, reluctantly, some admission. He sat down beside her, and his movement had the air of ending the discussion. But he did not look at her.

He appeared to be reluctantly admitting something. He sat down next to her, and his action felt like it was closing the conversation. But he didn't look at her.

“What do you make of it?” she said.

“What do you think of it?” she said.

This time he winced visibly.

This time he flinched visibly.

“I don’t make anything. If it happened—if it happened like that, Agatha—”

“I don’t create anything. If it occurred—if it occurred like that, Agatha—”

“It did happen.”

"It really happened."

“Well, I admit it was uncommonly queer.”

“Well, I admit it was quite strange.”

He left it there and reverted to his theme.

He left it there and returned to his main topic.

“But it’s no wonder—if you sat down to that for six weeks—it’s no wonder you got scared. It’s inconceivable to me how that woman could have let you in for him. She knew what he was.”

“But it’s not surprising—if you sat down with that for six weeks—it’s no surprise you got scared. I can’t believe how that woman could have involved you with him. She knew what he was.”

“She didn’t know what I was doing till it was done.”

“She didn't realize what I was doing until it was over.”

“She’d no business to let you go on with it when she did know.”

“She had no right to let you continue with it when she knew.”

“Ah, but she knew—then—it was all right.”

“Ah, but she knew—then—it was all good.”

“All right?”

"All good?"

“Absolutely right. Rodney—” She called to him as if she would compel him to see it as it was. “I did no more for him than I did for you and Bella.”

“Absolutely right. Rodney—” She called to him as if she wanted to make him see it for what it really was. “I didn’t do any more for him than I did for you and Bella.”

He started. “Bella?” he repeated.

He began. "Bella?" he repeated.

He stared at her. He had seen something.

He stared at her. He had noticed something.

“You wondered how she got all right, didn’t you?”

"You were curious about how she turned out okay, right?"

He said nothing.

He didn't say anything.

“That was how.”

"That's how."

And still he did not speak. He sat there, leaning forward, staring now at his own clasped hands. He looked as if he bowed himself before the irrefutable.

And still he didn’t say anything. He sat there, leaning forward, staring at his own clasped hands. He looked like he was bowing before something he couldn’t argue against.

“And there was you, too, before that.”

“And there was you, too, before that.”

“I know,” he said then; “I can understand that. But—why Bella?”

“I get it,” he said then; “I can understand that. But—why Bella?”

“Because Bella was the only way.”

“Because Bella was the only option.”

She had not followed his thoughts, nor he hers.

She hadn’t understood his thoughts, and he hadn’t grasped hers.

“The only way?” he said.

“Is this the only way?” he said.

“To work it. To keep the thing pure. I had to be certain of my motive, and I knew that if I could give Bella back to you that would prove—to me, I mean—that it was pure.”

“To work on it. To keep it genuine. I had to be clear about my motive, and I knew that if I could return Bella to you, that would prove—to me, I mean—that it was genuine.”

“But Bella,” he said softly—“Bella. Powell I can understand—and me.”

“But Bella,” he said softly—“Bella. I can understand Powell—and me.”

It was clear that he could get over all the rest. But he could not get over Bella. Bella’s case convinced him. Bella’s case could not be explained away—or set aside. Before Bella’s case he was baffled, utterly defeated. He faced it with a certain awe.

It was clear that he could move past everything else. But he couldn't move past Bella. Bella’s situation really hit him hard. Bella’s case couldn't be dismissed—or ignored. Before Bella’s case, he was confused, completely defeated. He approached it with a sense of awe.

“You were right, after all, about Bella,” he said at last. “And so was I. She didn’t care for me, as I told you. But she does care now.”

“You were right about Bella after all,” he said finally. “And I was right too. She didn’t care about me, like I told you. But she does care now.”

She knew it.

She knew it.

“That was what I was trying for,” she said. “That was what I meant.”

“That’s what I was aiming for,” she said. “That’s what I meant.”

“You meant it?”

“Did you mean it?”

“It was the only way. That’s why I didn’t want you to come back.”

“It was the only way. That’s why I didn’t want you to return.”

He sat silent, taking that in.

He sat quietly, absorbing that.

“Don’t you see now how it works? You have to be pure crystal. That’s why I didn’t want you to come back.”

“Can’t you see how it works now? You need to be completely pure. That’s why I didn’t want you to come back.”

Obscurely, through the veil of flesh, he saw.

Obscurely, through the layer of skin, he saw.

“And I am never to come back?” he said.

“And I’m never coming back?” he said.

“You will not need to come.”

"You don't have to come."

“You mean you won’t want me?”

“You mean you don’t want me?”

“No. I shall not want you. Because, when I did want you, it broke down.”

“No. I don’t want you. Because when I did want you, it fell apart.”

He smiled.

He grinned.

“I see. When you want me, it breaks down.”

“I get it. Whenever you need me, it falls apart.”

He rallied for a moment. He made his one last pitiful stand against the supernatural thing that was conquering him.

He gathered his strength for a moment. He made a final, desperate attempt to resist the supernatural force that was overtaking him.

He had risen to go.

He got up to leave.

“And when I want to come, when I long for you, what then?”

“And when I want to come, when I miss you, what then?”

Your longing will make no difference.”

“Your longing won't change anything.”

She smiled also, as if she foresaw how it would work, and that soon, very soon, he would cease to long for her.

She smiled too, as if she could see how it would turn out, and that soon, very soon, he would stop longing for her.

His hand was on the door. He smiled back at her.

His hand was on the door. He smiled at her.

“I don’t want to shake your faith in it,” he said.

“I don’t want to shake your belief in it,” he said.

“You can’t shake my faith in It.”

“You can’t shake my faith in it.”

“Still—it breaks down. It breaks down,” he cried.

“Still—it crashes. It crashes,” he shouted.

“Never. You don’t understand,” she said. “It was the flaw in the crystal.”

“Never. You don’t get it,” she said. “It was the flaw in the crystal.”

Soon, very soon he would know it. Already he had shown submission.

Soon, really soon he would know it. He had already shown submission.

She had no doubt of the working of the Power. Bella remained as a sign that it had once been, and that, given the flawless crystal, it should be again.

She had no doubt about the power at work. Bella was a reminder of what it had once been, and that, with the perfect crystal, it could be that way again.

THE NATURE OF THE EVIDENCE

This is the story Marston told me. He didn’t want to tell it. I had to tear it from him bit by bit. I’ve pieced the bits together in their time order, and explained things here and there, but the facts are the facts he gave me. There’s nothing that I didn’t get out of him somehow.

This is the story Marston told me. He didn’t want to share it. I had to pull it out of him piece by piece. I’ve put the pieces together in chronological order and clarified things here and there, but these are the facts he shared with me. There’s nothing I didn’t manage to get from him in some way.

Out of him—you’ll admit my source is unimpeachable. Edward Marston, the great K.C., and the author of an admirable work on “The Logic of Evidence.” You should have read the chapters on “What Evidence Is and What It Is Not.” You may say he lied; but if you knew Marston you’d know he wouldn’t lie, for the simple reason that he’s incapable of inventing anything. So that, if you ask me whether I believe this tale, all I can say is, I believe the things happened, because he said they happened and because they happened to him. As for what they were—well, I don’t pretend to explain it, neither would he.

Out of him—you’ll agree my source is rock solid. Edward Marston, the renowned K.C., and the author of an excellent book on “The Logic of Evidence.” You really should read the chapters on “What Evidence Is and What It Is Not.” You might say he’s lying; but if you knew Marston, you’d know he wouldn’t lie, simply because he’s not capable of making things up. So, if you ask me if I believe this story, all I can say is, I believe the events took place, because he says they did and because they happened to him. As for what they were—well, I don’t pretend to understand it, and neither would he.

You know he was married twice. He adored his first wife, Rosamund, and Rosamund adored him. I suppose they were completely happy. She was fifteen years younger than he, and beautiful. I wish I could make you see how beautiful. Her eyes and mouth had the same sort of bow, full and wide-sweeping, and they stared out of her face with the same grave, contemplative innocence. Her mouth was finished off at each corner with the loveliest little moulding, rounded like the pistil of a flower. She wore her hair in a solid gold fringe over her forehead, like a child’s, and a big coil at the back. When it was let down it hung in a heavy cable to her waist. Marston used to tease her about it. She had a trick of tossing back the rope in the night when it was hot under her, and it would fall smack across his face and hurt him.

You know he was married twice. He adored his first wife, Rosamund, and Rosamund adored him. They seemed completely happy together. She was fifteen years younger than him and beautiful. I wish I could show you just how beautiful she was. Her eyes and mouth had the same bow shape, full and wide, and they held the same serious, thoughtful innocence. Her mouth had the prettiest little curves at each corner, rounded like a flower's pistil. She wore her hair in a solid gold fringe across her forehead, like a child's, and a big coil at the back. When it was down, it hung in a heavy braid to her waist. Marston would tease her about it. She had a habit of tossing her hair back at night when it was hot, and it would fall right across his face, making him wince.

There was a pathos about her that I can’t describe—a curious, pure, sweet beauty, like a child’s; perfect, and perfectly immature; so immature that you couldn’t conceive its lasting—like that—any more than childhood lasts. Marston used to say it made him nervous. He was afraid of waking up in the morning and finding that it had changed in the night. And her beauty was so much a part of herself that you couldn’t think of her without it. Somehow you felt that if it went she must go too.

There was something about her that I can't really put into words—a strange, pure, sweet beauty, like a child's; flawless, yet completely naive; so naive that you couldn't imagine it lasting—just like childhood doesn't last. Marston used to say it made him anxious. He was worried he would wake up one morning and find that it had changed overnight. And her beauty was such an integral part of her that you couldn't think of her without it. Somehow, you felt that if it faded, she would too.

Well, she went first.

Well, she went first.

For a year afterwards Marston existed dangerously, always on the edge of a break-down. If he didn’t go over altogether it was because his work saved him. He had no consoling theories. He was one of those bigoted materialists of the nineteenth century type who believe that consciousness is a purely physiological function, and that when your body’s dead, you’re dead. He saw no reason to suppose the contrary. “When you consider,” he used to say, “the nature of the evidence!”

For a year after that, Marston lived on the brink, constantly at risk of breaking down. If he didn’t completely lose it, it was because his work kept him grounded. He had no comforting beliefs. He was one of those narrow-minded materialists from the nineteenth century who thought that consciousness is just a physiological function and that when your body dies, you're done for. He saw no reason to believe otherwise. “When you think about,” he used to say, “the nature of the evidence!”

It’s as well to bear this in mind, so as to realize that he hadn’t any bias or anticipation. Rosamund survived for him only in his memory. And in his memory he was still in love with her. At the same time he used to discuss quite cynically the chances of his marrying again.

It’s important to keep this in mind, so he understands that he had no bias or expectations. Rosamund existed for him only in his memories. And in those memories, he was still in love with her. At the same time, he often talked quite cynically about the possibilities of marrying again.

It seems that in their honeymoon they had gone into that. Rosamund said she hated to think of his being lonely and miserable, supposing she died before he did. She would like him to marry again. If, she stipulated, he married the right woman.

It seems that during their honeymoon, they had talked about that. Rosamund said she hated the thought of him being lonely and miserable if she died before him. She would want him to marry again, but only if he married the right woman.

He had put it to her: “And if I marry the wrong one?” And she had said, That would be different. She couldn’t bear that.

He asked her, “What if I marry the wrong person?” And she replied, that would be different. She couldn’t handle that.

He remembered all this afterwards; but there was nothing in it to make him suppose, at the time, that she would take action.

He remembered all of this later; however, there was nothing about it at the time that made him think she would do anything.

We talked it over, he and I, one night.

We discussed it, he and I, one night.

“I suppose,” he said, “I shall have to marry again. It’s a physical necessity. But it won’t be anything more. I shan’t marry the sort of woman who’ll expect anything more. I won’t put another woman in Rosamund’s place. There’ll be no unfaithfulness about it.”

“I guess,” he said, “I’ll have to get married again. It’s a physical necessity. But it won’t be anything more than that. I won’t marry the kind of woman who’ll expect anything more. I won’t replace Rosamund with another woman. There won’t be any cheating involved.”

And there wasn’t. Soon after that first year he married Pauline Silver.

And there wasn't. Soon after that first year, he married Pauline Silver.

She was a daughter of old Justice Parker, who was a friend of Marston’s people. He hadn’t seen the girl till she came home from India after her divorce.

She was the daughter of the late Justice Parker, who was a friend of Marston’s family. He hadn’t seen the girl until she returned from India after her divorce.

Yes, there’d been a divorce. Silver had behaved very decently. He’d let her bring it against him, to save her. But there were some queer stories going about. They didn’t get round to Marston, because he was so mixed up with her people; and if they had he wouldn’t have believed them. He’d made up his mind he’d marry Pauline the first minute he’d seen her. She was handsome; the hard, black, white and vermilion kind, with a little aristocratic nose and a lascivious mouth.

Yes, there had been a divorce. Silver had acted very decently. He let her file it against him to protect her. But there were some strange rumors floating around. They didn't reach Marston because he was so involved with her family; and if they had, he wouldn't have believed them. He had decided he would marry Pauline the moment he saw her. She was beautiful; the striking kind with hard features—black, white, and vermilion—with a slightly aristocratic nose and a seductive mouth.

It was, as he had meant it to be, nothing but physical infatuation on both sides. No question of Pauline’s taking Rosamund’s place.

It was, as he intended, nothing more than a physical attraction on both sides. There was no possibility of Pauline taking Rosamund's spot.

Marston had a big case on at the time.

Marston was working on a big case at that time.

They were in such a hurry that they couldn’t wait till it was over; and as it kept him in London they agreed to put off their honeymoon till the autumn, and he took her straight to his own house in Curzon Street.

They were in such a rush that they couldn’t wait until it was over; and since it kept him in London, they decided to postpone their honeymoon until the fall, and he took her straight to his house on Curzon Street.

This, he admitted afterwards, was the part he hated. The Curzon Street house was associated with Rosamund; especially their bedroom—Rosamund’s bedroom—and his library. The library was the room Rosamund liked best, because it was his room. She had her place in the corner by the hearth, and they were always alone there together in the evenings when his work was done, and when it wasn’t done she would still sit with him, keeping quiet in her corner with a book.

This, he admitted later, was the part he hated. The Curzon Street house was tied to Rosamund; especially their bedroom—Rosamund’s bedroom—and his library. The library was Rosamund's favorite room because it was his space. She had her spot in the corner by the fireplace, and they were always there together in the evenings when his work was done, and even when it wasn't, she would still sit with him, quietly reading in her corner.

Luckily for Marston, at the first sight of the library Pauline took a dislike to it.

Luckily for Marston, when Pauline first saw the library, she didn't like it.

I can hear her. “Br-rr-rh! There’s something beastly about this room, Edward. I can’t think how you can sit in it.”

I can hear her. “Br-rr-rh! There’s something creepy about this room, Edward. I can’t understand how you can stay in it.”

And Edward, a little caustic:

And Edward, a bit sarcastic:

You needn’t, if you don’t like it.”

You don't have to, if you don't like it.”

“I certainly shan’t.”

"I definitely won't."

She stood there—I can see her—on the hearthrug by Rosamund’s chair, looking uncommonly handsome and lascivious. He was going to take her in his arms and kiss her vermilion mouth, when, he said, something stopped him. Stopped him clean, as if it had risen up and stepped between them. He supposed it was the memory of Rosamund, vivid in the place that had been hers.

She stood there—I can see her—on the rug by Rosamund’s chair, looking incredibly attractive and seductive. He was about to take her in his arms and kiss her bright red lips when, he said, something held him back. It stopped him completely, as if it had appeared out of nowhere and positioned itself between them. He figured it was the memory of Rosamund, clear in the spot that had belonged to her.

You see it was just that place, of silent, intimate communion, that Pauline would never take. And the rich, coarse, contented creature didn’t even want to take it. He saw that he would be left alone there, all right, with his memory.

You see, it was that very place of quiet, personal connection that Pauline would never accept. And the wealthy, rough, satisfied person didn't even want to accept it. He realized he would be left there alone, just him and his memories.

But the bedroom was another matter. That, Pauline had made it understood from the beginning, she would have to have. Indeed, there was no other he could well have offered her. The drawing-room covered the whole of the first floor. The bedrooms above were cramped, and this one had been formed by throwing the two front rooms into one. It looked south, and the bathroom opened out of it at the back. Marston’s small northern room had a door on the narrow landing at right angles to his wife’s door. He could hardly expect her to sleep there, still less in any of the tight boxes on the top floor. He said he wished he had sold the Curzon Street house.

But the bedroom was a different story. From the start, Pauline made it clear that she needed to have it. In fact, there wasn't really any other option he could have offered her. The drawing room took up the entire first floor. The bedrooms above were small, and this one had been created by combining the two front rooms. It faced south, and the bathroom opened off it at the back. Marston’s small northern room had a door on the narrow landing that was perpendicular to his wife’s door. He could hardly expect her to sleep there, much less in any of the cramped spaces on the top floor. He said he wished he had sold the Curzon Street house.

But Pauline was enchanted with the wide, three-windowed piece that was to be hers. It had been exquisitely furnished for poor little Rosamund; all seventeenth century walnut wood, Bokhara rugs, thick silk curtains, deep blue with purple linings, and a big, rich bed covered with a purple counterpane embroidered in blue.

But Pauline was captivated by the spacious room with three windows that would be hers. It had been beautifully decorated for poor little Rosamund; all seventeenth-century walnut furniture, Bokhara rugs, thick silk curtains in deep blue with purple linings, and a large, lavish bed draped with a purple coverlet embroidered in blue.

One thing Marston insisted on: that he should sleep on Rosamund’s side of the bed, and Pauline in his own old place. He didn’t want to see Pauline’s body where Rosamund’s had been. Of course he had to lie about it and pretend he had always slept on the side next the window.

One thing Marston insisted on was that he should sleep on Rosamund’s side of the bed, with Pauline in his old spot. He didn’t want to see Pauline’s body where Rosamund’s had been. Of course, he had to lie about it and act like he had always slept on the side by the window.

I can see Pauline going about in that room, looking at everything; looking at herself, her black, white and vermilion, in the glass that had held Rosamund’s pure rose and gold; opening the wardrobe where Rosamund’s dresses used to hang, sniffing up the delicate, flower scent of Rosamund, not caring, covering it with her own thick trail. And Marston (who cared abominably)—I can see him getting more miserable and at the same time more excited as the wedding evening went on. He took her to the play to fill up the time, or perhaps to get her out of Rosamund’s rooms; God knows. I can see them sitting in the stalls, bored and restless, starting up and going out before the thing was half over, and coming back to that house in Curzon Street before eleven o’clock.

I can see Pauline moving around in that room, checking everything out; looking at herself, her black, white, and bright red reflection in the mirror that used to hold Rosamund’s soft pink and gold; opening the wardrobe where Rosamund’s dresses once hung, inhaling the delicate floral scent of Rosamund, not caring, and covering it with her own heavy fragrance. And Marston (who cared a lot)—I can see him growing more miserable and at the same time more agitated as the wedding evening went on. He took her to a play to kill time or maybe to get her out of Rosamund’s rooms; who knows. I can see them in the audience, bored and restless, getting up and leaving before the show was halfway through, and coming back to that house on Curzon Street before eleven o’clock.

It wasn’t much past eleven when he went to her room.

It was just after eleven when he went to her room.

I told you her door was at right angles to his, and the landing was narrow, so that anybody standing by Pauline’s door must have been seen the minute he opened his. He hadn’t even to cross the landing to get to her.

I told you her door was perpendicular to his, and the landing was tight, so anyone standing by Pauline’s door would’ve been seen the moment he opened his. He didn’t even have to step onto the landing to reach her.

Well, Marston swears that there was nothing there when he opened his own door; but when he came to Pauline’s he saw Rosamund standing up before it; and, he said, “She wouldn’t let me in.

Well, Marston insists that there was nothing there when he opened his own door; but when he got to Pauline’s, he saw Rosamund standing in front of it; and he said, “She wouldn’t let me in.

Her arms were stretched out, barring the passage. Oh yes, he saw her face, Rosamund’s face; I gathered that it was utterly sweet, and utterly inexorable. He couldn’t pass her.

Her arms were stretched out, blocking the way. Oh yes, he saw her face, Rosamund's face; I got the feeling it was completely sweet and completely unyielding. He couldn't get past her.

So he turned into his own room, backing, he says, so that he could keep looking at her. And when he stood on the threshold of his own door she wasn’t there.

So he turned into his own room, stepping back, he says, so he could keep looking at her. And when he stood in the doorway of his own room, she wasn’t there.

No, he wasn’t frightened. He couldn’t tell me what he felt; but he left his door open all night because he couldn’t bear to shut it on her. And he made no other attempt to go in to Pauline; he was so convinced that the phantasm of Rosamund would come again and stop him.

No, he wasn’t scared. He couldn’t explain how he felt; but he left his door open all night because he couldn’t bear to close it on her. And he didn’t try to go into Pauline; he was so sure that the ghost of Rosamund would come back and stop him.

I don’t know what sort of excuse he made to Pauline the next morning. He said she was very stiff and sulky all day; and no wonder. He was still infatuated with her, and I don’t think that the phantasm of Rosamund had put him off Pauline in the least. In fact, he persuaded himself that the thing was nothing but a hallucination, due, no doubt, to his excitement.

I don’t know what kind of excuse he gave Pauline the next morning. He said she was really tense and moody all day; and no wonder. He was still infatuated with her, and I don’t think that the illusion of Rosamund had put him off Pauline at all. In fact, he convinced himself that it was just a hallucination, probably caused by his excitement.

Anyhow, he didn’t expect to see it at the door again the next night.

Anyways, he didn’t think he would see it at the door again the next night.

Yes. It was there. Only, this time, he said, it drew aside to let him pass. It smiled at him, as if it were saying, “Go in, if you must; you’ll see what’ll happen.”

Yes. It was there. This time, though, it moved aside to let him pass. It smiled at him, almost like it was saying, “Go on in, if you have to; you’ll find out what happens.”

He had no sense that it had followed him into the room; he felt certain that, this time, it would let him be.

He had no idea that it had followed him into the room; he was sure that, this time, it would leave him alone.

It was when he approached Pauline’s bed, which had been Rosamund’s bed, that she appeared again, standing between it and him, and stretching out her arms to keep him back.

It was when he came closer to Pauline’s bed, which was once Rosamund’s bed, that she appeared again, standing between him and the bed, and reaching out her arms to hold him back.

... stretching out her arms to keep him back.

... stretching out her arms to hold him back.

All that Pauline could see was her bridegroom backing and backing, then standing there, fixed, and the look on his face. That in itself was enough to frighten her.

All Pauline could see was her groom stepping back and back, then just standing there, frozen, and the expression on his face. That alone was enough to scare her.

She said, “What’s the matter with you, Edward?”

She said, “What’s wrong with you, Edward?”

He didn’t move.

He stayed still.

“What are you standing there for? Why don’t you come to bed?”

“What are you just standing there for? Why don’t you come to bed?”

Then Marston seems to have lost his head and blurted it out:

Then Marston seemed to lose his cool and just said it:

“I can’t. I can’t.”

“I can't. I can't.”

“Can’t what?” said Pauline from the bed.

“Can’t what?” Pauline asked from the bed.

“Can’t sleep with you. She won’t let me.”

“Can’t sleep with you. She won’t allow it.”

“She?”

"Her?"

“Rosamund. My wife. She’s there.”

"Rosamund. My wife. She's over there."

“What on earth are you talking about?”

"What are you saying?"

“She’s there, I tell you. She won’t let me. She’s pushing me back.”

“She’s right there, I’m telling you. She won’t let me through. She’s holding me back.”

He says Pauline must have thought he was drunk or something. Remember, she saw nothing but Edward, his face, and his mysterious attitude. He must have looked very drunk.

He says Pauline must have thought he was drunk or something. Remember, she saw nothing but Edward, his face, and his mysterious vibe. He must have looked really drunk.

She sat up in bed, with her hard, black eyes blazing away at him, and told him to leave the room that minute. Which he did.

She sat up in bed, her hard, black eyes glaring at him, and told him to leave the room right then. So he did.

The next day she had it out with him. I gathered that she kept on talking about the “state” he was in.

The next day, she confronted him. I got the sense that she wouldn't stop mentioning the "state" he was in.

“You came to my room, Edward, in a disgraceful state.”

“You came to my room, Edward, in a shameful state.”

I suppose Marston said he was sorry; but he couldn’t help it; he wasn’t drunk. He stuck to it that Rosamund was there. He had seen her. And Pauline said, if he wasn’t drunk then he must be mad, and he said meekly, “Perhaps I am mad.”

I guess Marston said he was sorry, but he couldn’t help it; he wasn’t drunk. He insisted that Rosamund was there. He had seen her. And Pauline said, if he wasn’t drunk, then he must be crazy, and he replied quietly, “Maybe I am crazy.”

That set her off, and she broke out in a fury. He was no more mad than she was; but he didn’t care for her; he was making ridiculous excuses; shamming, to put her off. There was some other woman.

That triggered her, and she exploded in anger. He was just as upset as she was; but he didn't care about her; he was making ridiculous excuses; pretending to avoid her. There was another woman.

Marston asked her what on earth she supposed he’d married her for. Then she burst out crying and said she didn’t know.

Marston asked her what in the world she thought he had married her for. Then she started crying and said she didn’t know.

Then he seems to have made it up with Pauline. He managed to make her believe he wasn’t lying, that he really had seen something, and between them they arrived at a rational explanation of the appearance. He had been overworking. Rosamund’s phantasm was nothing but a hallucination of his exhausted brain.

Then he seems to have reconciled with Pauline. He got her to believe he wasn’t lying, that he really had seen something, and together they came up with a logical explanation for the appearance. He had been overworking. Rosamund’s vision was just a hallucination from his tired brain.

This theory carried him on till bed-time. Then, he says, he began to wonder what would happen, what Rosamund’s phantasm would do next. Each morning his passion for Pauline had come back again, increased by frustration, and it worked itself up crescendo, towards night. Supposing he had seen Rosamund. He might see her again. He had become suddenly subject to hallucinations. But as long as you knew you were hallucinated you were all right.

This theory occupied his mind until bedtime. Then, he says, he started to wonder what would happen next and what Rosamund's vision would do. Each morning, his feelings for Pauline returned, intensified by frustration, and built up throughout the day toward the evening. What if he *had* seen Rosamund? He might see her again. He had suddenly started experiencing hallucinations. But as long as you *knew* you were hallucinating, you were fine.

So what they agreed to do that night was by way of precaution, in case the thing came again. It might even be sufficient in itself to prevent his seeing anything.

So what they agreed to do that night was as a precaution, in case it happened again. It might even be enough on its own to stop him from seeing anything.

Instead of going in to Pauline he was to get into the room before she did, and she was to come to him there. That, they said, would break the spell. To make him feel even safer he meant to be in bed before Pauline came.

Instead of going into Pauline, he was supposed to get into the room before she did, and she was to meet him there. They said that would break the spell. To feel even safer, he planned to be in bed before Pauline arrived.

Well, he got into the room all right.

Well, he made it into the room without any trouble.

It was when he tried to get into bed that—he saw her (I mean Rosamund).

It was when he tried to get into bed that—he saw her (I mean Rosamund).

She was lying there, in his place next the window, her own place, lying in her immature child-like beauty and sleeping, the firm full bow of her mouth softened by sleep. She was perfect in every detail, the lashes of her shut eyelids golden on her white cheeks, the solid gold of her square fringe shining, and the great braided golden rope of her hair flung back on the pillow.

She was lying there in his spot by the window, her own spot, resting in her youthful, childlike beauty and sleeping, the full shape of her mouth softened by sleep. She was flawless in every detail, the lashes of her closed eyelids golden against her fair cheeks, the solid gold of her straight bangs shining, and the thick braided golden rope of her hair tossed back on the pillow.

He knelt down by the bed and pressed his forehead into the bedclothes, close to her side. He declared he could feel her breathe.

He knelt by the bed and pressed his forehead into the bedding, close to her side. He said he could feel her breathing.

He stayed there for the twenty minutes Pauline took to undress and come to him. He says the minutes stretched out like hours. Pauline found him still kneeling with his face pressed into the bedclothes. When he got up he staggered.

He stayed there for the twenty minutes it took Pauline to undress and come to him. He says the minutes dragged on like hours. Pauline found him still kneeling with his face buried in the bedclothes. When he got up, he stumbled.

She asked him what he was doing and why he wasn’t in bed. And he said, “It’s no use. I can’t. I can’t.”

She asked him what he was doing and why he wasn’t in bed. And he said, “It’s no use. I can’t. I can’t.”

But somehow he couldn’t tell her that Rosamund was there. Rosamund was too sacred; he couldn’t talk about her. He only said:

But somehow he couldn’t tell her that Rosamund was there. Rosamund was too sacred; he couldn’t talk about her. He only said:

“You’d better sleep in my room to-night.”

“You should sleep in my room tonight.”

He was staring down at the place in the bed where he still saw Rosamund. Pauline couldn’t have seen anything but the bedclothes, the sheet smoothed above an invisible breast, and the hollow in the pillow. She said she’d do nothing of the sort. She wasn’t going to be frightened out of her own room. He could do as he liked.

He was looking down at the spot in the bed where he could still see Rosamund. Pauline couldn’t see anything except for the bed covers, the sheet pulled tight over an unseen breast, and the indentation in the pillow. She said she wouldn’t do anything like that. She wasn’t going to let him scare her out of her own room. He could do whatever he wanted.

He couldn’t leave them there; he couldn’t leave Pauline with Rosamund, and he couldn’t leave Rosamund with Pauline. So he sat up in a chair with his back turned to the bed. No. He didn’t make any attempt to go back. He says he knew she was still lying there, guarding his place, which was her place. The odd thing is that he wasn’t in the least disturbed or frightened or surprised. He took the whole thing as a matter of course. And presently he dozed off into a sleep.

He couldn't just leave them there; he couldn't leave Pauline with Rosamund, and he couldn't leave Rosamund with Pauline. So he sat in a chair with his back to the bed. No, he didn’t even try to go back. He said he knew she was still lying there, keeping his spot, which was also hers. The strange thing is that he wasn't at all disturbed, scared, or surprised. He accepted the whole situation as normal. Eventually, he dozed off to sleep.

A scream woke him and the sound of a violent body leaping out of the bed and thudding on to its feet. He switched on the light and saw the bedclothes flung back and Pauline standing on the floor with her mouth open.

A scream jolted him awake, followed by the sound of a violent body jumping out of bed and landing on its feet. He turned on the light and saw the blankets thrown aside and Pauline standing on the floor with her mouth wide open.

He went to her and held her. She was cold to the touch and shaking with terror, and her jaws dropped as if she was palsied.

He went to her and held her. She felt cold to the touch and was shaking with fear, and her jaws dropped as if she had lost control.

She said, “Edward, there’s something in the bed.”

She said, “Edward, there's something in the bed.”

He glanced again at the bed. It was empty.

He looked at the bed again. It was empty.

“There isn’t,” he said. “Look.”

“There isn’t,” he said. “Check it out.”

He stripped the bed to the foot-rail, so that she could see.

He took off the bedding to the foot of the bed, so she could see.

“There was something.”

“There is something.”

“Do you see it?”

"Can you see it?"

“No, I felt it.”

“No, I sensed it.”

She told him. First something had come swinging, smack across her face. A thick, heavy rope of woman’s hair. It had waked her. Then she had put out her hands and felt the body. A woman’s body, soft and horrible; her fingers had sunk in the shallow breasts. Then she had screamed and jumped.

She told him. First, something had swung, hitting her hard across the face. A thick, heavy strand of hair. It had woken her up. Then she had reached out her hands and felt the body. A woman’s body, soft and terrible; her fingers had sunk into the shallow breasts. Then she had screamed and jumped.

And she couldn’t stay in the room. The room, she said, was “beastly.”

And she couldn’t stay in the room. The room, she said, was “terrible.”

She slept in Marston’s room, in his small single bed, and he sat up with her all night, on a chair.

She slept in Marston’s room, in his small single bed, and he kept her company all night, sitting on a chair.

She believed now that he had really seen something, and she remembered that the library was beastly, too. Haunted by something. She supposed that was what she had felt. Very well. Two rooms in the house were haunted; their bedroom and the library. They would just have to avoid those two rooms. She had made up her mind, you see, that it was nothing but a case of an ordinary haunted house; the sort of thing you’re always hearing about and never believe in till it happens to yourself. Marston didn’t like to point out to her that the house hadn’t been haunted till she came into it.

She now thought he had actually seen something, and she remembered that the library was awful too. It felt haunted by something. She guessed that was what she had sensed. Fine. Two rooms in the house were haunted: their bedroom and the library. They would just have to steer clear of those two rooms. She had decided, see, that it was just a typical haunted house; the kind of thing you hear about all the time but never believe until it happens to you. Marston didn’t want to remind her that the house hadn’t been haunted until she moved in.

The following night, the fourth night, she was to sleep in the spare room on the top floor, next to the servants, and Marston in his own room.

The next night, the fourth night, she was going to sleep in the spare room on the top floor, next to the servants, while Marston stayed in his own room.

But Marston didn’t sleep. He kept on wondering whether he would or would not go up to Pauline’s room. That made him horribly restless, and instead of undressing and going to bed, he sat up on a chair with a book. He wasn’t nervous; but he had a queer feeling that something was going to happen, and that he must be ready for it, and that he’d better be dressed.

But Marston couldn’t sleep. He kept wondering whether he should go up to Pauline’s room. That made him feel incredibly restless, and instead of getting changed and going to bed, he sat in a chair with a book. He wasn’t anxious; he just had a strange feeling that something was about to happen, and that he needed to be ready for it, and that it was better to be dressed.

It must have been soon after midnight when he heard the door-knob turning very slowly and softly. The door opened behind him and Pauline came in, moving without a sound, and stood before him. It gave him a shock; for he had been thinking of Rosamund, and when he heard the door-knob turn it was the phantasm of Rosamund that he expected to see coming in. He says, for the first minute, it was this appearance of Pauline that struck him as the uncanny and unnatural thing.

It must have been shortly after midnight when he heard the doorknob turning very slowly and softly. The door opened behind him, and Pauline stepped in, moving without a sound, and stood in front of him. It shocked him because he had been thinking about Rosamund, and when he heard the doorknob turn, he expected to see Rosamund enter. For the first minute, it was Pauline's appearance that he found eerie and unnatural.

She had nothing, absolutely nothing on but a transparent white chiffony sort of dressing-gown. She was trying to undo it. He could see her hands shaking as her fingers fumbled with the fastenings. He got up suddenly, and they just stood there before each other, saying nothing, staring at each other. He was fascinated by her, by the sheer glamour of her body, gleaming white through the thin stuff, and by the movement of her fingers. I think I’ve said she was a beautiful woman, and her beauty at that moment was overpowering.

She had nothing on, just a sheer white chiffon dressing gown. She was trying to undo it. He could see her hands shaking as her fingers struggled with the fastenings. He suddenly stood up, and they just stood there facing each other, saying nothing, staring at one another. He was captivated by her, by the sheer allure of her body shining through the thin fabric, and by the way her fingers moved. I think I mentioned she was a beautiful woman, and her beauty at that moment was stunning.

And still he stared at her without saying anything. It sounds as if their silence lasted quite a long time, but in reality it couldn’t have been more than some fraction of a second.

And yet he looked at her without saying a word. It seems like their silence lasted a long time, but in reality, it couldn’t have been more than a fraction of a second.

Then she began. “Oh, Edward, for God’s sake say something. Oughtn’t I to have come?”

Then she started. “Oh, Edward, for God’s sake, say something. Should I have come?”

And she went on without waiting for an answer. “Are you thinking of her? Because, if—if you are, I’m not going to let her drive you away from me.... I’m not going to.... She’ll keep on coming as long as we don’t— Can’t you see that this is the way to stop it...? When you take me in your arms.”

And she continued without waiting for a reply. “Are you thinking about her? Because if—if you are, I won’t let her pull you away from me.... I won’t allow it.... She’ll keep coming around as long as we don’t—Can’t you see that this is how to end it...? When you hold me in your arms.”

She slipped off the loose sleeves of the chiffon thing and it fell to her feet. Marston says he heard a queer sound, something between a groan and a grunt, and was amazed to find that it came from himself.

She took off the loose sleeves of the chiffon outfit, and it dropped to her feet. Marston said he heard a strange sound, something between a groan and a grunt, and was shocked to realize it was coming from him.

He hadn’t touched her yet—mind you, it went quicker than it takes to tell, it was still an affair of the fraction of a second—they were holding out their arms to each other, when the door opened again without a sound, and, without visible passage, the phantasm was there. It came incredibly fast, and thin at first, like a shaft of light sliding between them. It didn’t do anything; there was no beating of hands, only, as it took on its full form, its perfect likeness of flesh and blood, it made its presence felt like a push, a force, driving them asunder.

He hadn’t touched her yet—just so you know, it happened faster than you could explain, but it was still just a split second—they were reaching out to each other when the door opened again silently, and, without any apparent entrance, the apparition appeared. It came incredibly quickly, and at first, it was faint, like a beam of light slipping between them. It didn’t do anything; there was no flailing of arms, only, as it fully formed, its perfect resemblance to flesh and blood, it made its presence known like a shove, a force, pushing them apart.

Pauline hadn’t seen it yet. She thought it was Marston who was beating her back. She cried out: “Oh, don’t, don’t push me away!” She stooped below the phantasm’s guard and clung to his knees, writhing and crying. For a moment it was a struggle between her moving flesh and that still, supernatural being.

Pauline hadn’t seen it yet. She thought it was Marston who was pushing her away. She cried out: “Oh, don’t, don’t push me away!” She bent down below the ghost's guard and clung to his knees, writhing and crying. For a moment, it was a struggle between her moving body and that still, supernatural being.

And in that moment Marston realized that he hated Pauline. She was fighting Rosamund with her gross flesh and blood, taking a mean advantage of her embodied state to beat down the heavenly, discarnate thing.

And at that moment, Marston understood that he hated Pauline. She was battling Rosamund with her ugly, physical form, using her bodily presence to overpower the ethereal, disembodied being.

He called to her to let go.

He called out to her to let go.

“It’s not I,” he shouted. “Can’t you see her?”

“It’s not me,” he shouted. “Can’t you see her?”

Then, suddenly, she saw, and let go, and dropped, crouching on the floor and trying to cover herself. This time she had given no cry.

Then, suddenly, she saw, and let go, and dropped, crouching on the floor and trying to cover herself. This time she had given no cry.

The phantasm gave way; it moved slowly towards the door, and as it went it looked back over its shoulder at Marston, it trailed a hand, signalling to him to come.

The ghost faded; it moved slowly toward the door, and as it went, it glanced back at Marston, trailing a hand and signaling for him to come.

He went out after it, hardly aware of Pauline’s naked body that still writhed there, clutching at his feet as they passed, and drew itself after him, like a worm, like a beast, along the floor.

He went out after it, barely noticing Pauline’s naked body still writhing there, clutching at his feet as they passed, and dragging itself after him, like a worm, like a beast, along the floor.

... drew itself after him along the floor.

... followed him along the floor.

She must have got up at once and followed them out on to the landing; for, as he went down the stairs behind the phantasm, he could see Pauline’s face, distorted with lust and terror, peering at them above the stairhead. She saw them descend the last flight, and cross the hall at the bottom and go into the library. The door shut behind them.

She must have gotten up right away and followed them out onto the landing; because, as he went down the stairs behind the ghostly figure, he could see Pauline’s face, twisted with desire and fear, peering at them from above the stairs. She watched them go down the last flight, cross the hall at the bottom, and enter the library. The door closed behind them.

Something happened in there. Marston never told me precisely what it was, and I didn’t ask him. Anyhow, that finished it.

Something happened in there. Marston never told me exactly what it was, and I didn’t ask him. Anyway, that was it.

The next day Pauline ran away to her own people. She couldn’t stay in Marston’s house because it was haunted by Rosamund, and he wouldn’t leave it for the same reason.

The next day, Pauline ran away to her own people. She couldn’t stay in Marston’s house because it was haunted by Rosamund, and he wouldn’t leave it for the same reason.

And she never came back; for she was not only afraid of Rosamund, she was afraid of Marston. And if she had come it wouldn’t have been any good. Marston was convinced that, as often as he attempted to get to Pauline, something would stop him. Pauline certainly felt that, if Rosamund were pushed to it, she might show herself in some still more sinister and terrifying form. She knew when she was beaten.

And she never returned; not only was she scared of Rosamund, but she was also scared of Marston. And even if she had come back, it wouldn't have made a difference. Marston was sure that no matter how much he tried to reach out to Pauline, something would always get in his way. Pauline definitely felt that if Rosamund were pushed far enough, she might reveal an even more chilling and frightening side of herself. She knew when she was defeated.

And there was more in it than that. I believe he tried to explain it to her; said he had married her on the assumption that Rosamund was dead, but that now he knew she was alive; she was, as he put it, “there.” He tried to make her see that if he had Rosamund he couldn’t have her. Rosamund’s presence in the world annulled their contract.

And there was more to it than that. I think he tried to explain it to her; said he had married her thinking that Rosamund was dead, but now he knew she was alive; she was, as he put it, “there.” He tried to make her understand that if he had Rosamund, he couldn’t have her. Rosamund’s existence in the world invalidated their agreement.

You see I’m convinced that something did happen that night in the library. I say, he never told me precisely what it was, but he once let something out. We were discussing one of Pauline’s love-affairs (after the separation she gave him endless grounds for divorce).

You see, I'm convinced that something did happen that night in the library. I say he never told me exactly what it was, but he once let something slip. We were discussing one of Pauline’s relationships (after the separation, she gave him countless reasons for divorce).

“Poor Pauline,” he said, “she thinks she’s so passionate.”

“Poor Pauline,” he said, “she thinks she’s so passionate.”

“Well,” I said, “wasn’t she?”

“Well,” I said, “was she?”

Then he burst out. “No. She doesn’t know what passion is. None of you know. You haven’t the faintest conception. You’d have to get rid of your bodies first. I didn’t know until—”

Then he exploded. “No. She doesn’t understand what passion is. None of you do. You don’t have the slightest idea. You’d need to get rid of your bodies first. I didn’t realize until—”

He stopped himself. I think he was going to say, “until Rosamund came back and showed me.” For he leaned forward and whispered: “It isn’t a localized affair at all.... If you only knew—”

He caught himself. I think he was about to say, “until Rosamund came back and showed me.” Then he leaned in and whispered, “It’s not just a local thing at all... If you only knew—”

So I don’t think it was just faithfulness to a revived memory. I take it there had been, behind that shut door, some experience, some terrible and exquisite contact. More penetrating than sight or touch. More—more extensive: passion at all points of being.

So I don’t think it was just loyalty to a revived memory. I believe there had been, behind that closed door, some experience, some intense and beautiful connection. More impactful than sight or touch. More—more all-encompassing: passion in every aspect of existence.

Perhaps the supreme moment of it, the ecstasy, only came when her phantasm had disappeared.

Perhaps the peak moment of it, the ecstasy, only arrived when her illusion had vanished.

He couldn’t go back to Pauline after that.

He couldn’t go back to Pauline after that.

IF THE DEAD KNEW

I
I

The voluntary swelled, it rose, it rushed to its climax. The organist tossed back his head with a noble gesture, exalted; he rocked on his bench; his feet shuffled faster and faster, pedalling passionately.

The music built up, it surged, it raced to its peak. The organist threw his head back with a grand gesture, filled with intensity; he swayed on his bench; his feet moved quicker and quicker, playing with passion.

The young girl who stood beside him drew in a deep, rushing breath; her heart swelled; her whole body listened, with hurried senses desiring the climax, the climax, the crash of sound. Her nerves shook as the organist rocked towards her; when he tossed back his head her chin lifted; she loved his playing hands, his rocking body, his superb, excited gesture.

The young girl standing next to him took a deep breath; her heart swelled; her whole body was tuned in, with quickened senses longing for the high point, the peak, the burst of sound. Her nerves trembled as the organist swayed toward her; when he threw his head back, her chin lifted; she adored his playing hands, his swaying body, his incredible, passionate gesture.

Three times a week Wilfrid Hollyer went down to Lower Wyck, to give Effie Carroll a music lesson; three times a week Effie Carroll came up to Wyck on the Hill to listen to Hollyer’s organ practice.

Three times a week, Wilfrid Hollyer went down to Lower Wyck to give Effie Carroll a music lesson; three times a week, Effie Carroll came up to Wyck on the Hill to listen to Hollyer practice the organ.

The climax had come. The voluntary fell from its height and died in a long cadence, thinned out, a trickling, trembling diminuendo. It was all over.

The climax had arrived. The voluntary dropped from its peak and faded away in a lengthy, flowing decline, dwindling to a soft, shaky finish. It was all done.

The young girl released her breath in a long, trembling sigh.

The young girl let out a long, shaky sigh.

... her whole body listened ...

... her whole body listened ...

The organist rose and put out the organ lights. He took Effie by the arm and led her down the short aisles of the little country church and out on to the flagged path of the churchyard between the tombstones.

The organist stood up and switched off the organ lights. He took Effie by the arm and guided her down the short aisles of the small country church and out onto the paved path in the churchyard between the gravestones.

“Wilfrid,” she said, “you’re too good for Wyck. You ought to be playing in Gloucester Cathedral.”

“Wilfrid,” she said, “you’re too talented for Wyck. You should be performing in Gloucester Cathedral.”

“I’m not good enough. Perhaps—if I’d been trained—”

“I’m not good enough. Maybe—if I’d been trained—”

“Why weren’t you?”

“Why not you?”

“My mother couldn’t afford it. Besides, I couldn’t leave her. She hasn’t anybody but me.”

“My mom couldn’t pay for it. Plus, I couldn’t leave her. She doesn’t have anyone else but me.”

“I know. You’re awfully fond of her, aren’t you?”

“I know. You really care about her, don’t you?”

“Yes,” he said shortly.

“Yeah,” he said briefly.

They had passed down the turn of the street into the Market Square. There was a plot of grass laid down in the north-east corner. Two tall elms stood up on the grass, and behind the elms a small, ivy-covered house with mullioned windows, looking south.

They had turned off the street into the Market Square. In the northeast corner, there was a patch of grass. Two tall elms stood on the grass, and behind the elms was a small, ivy-covered house with divided windows, facing south.

“That’s our house,” Hollyer said. “Won’t you come in and see her?”

“That’s our house,” Hollyer said. “Why don’t you come in and take a look?”

They found her sitting by herself in the little cramped, green drawing-room. She was the most beautiful old lady; small, upright and perfect; slender, like a girl, in her grey silk blouse. She had a miniature oval face, pretty and white: a sharp chin, and a wide forehead under a pile of pure white hair. And sorrowful blue eyes, white-lidded, in two rings of mauve and bistre.

They found her sitting alone in the small, cramped green drawing room. She was the most beautiful elderly woman; petite, upright, and flawless; slender, like a young girl, in her gray silk blouse. She had a tiny oval face, pretty and pale: a sharp chin, and a broad forehead beneath a mass of pure white hair. Her sorrowful blue eyes, framed by white lids, were surrounded by rings of mauve and brown.

She couldn’t be so very old, Effie thought. Not more than sixty.

She can't be that old, Effie thought. No more than sixty.

Mrs. Hollyer rose, holding out a fragile hand.

Mrs. Hollyer stood up, extending a delicate hand.

Presently she said: “I wanted to see you; after all you’ve done for him.”

Presently she said: “I wanted to see you; after everything you’ve done for him.”

“I? I haven’t done anything.”

"I? I haven't done anything."

“You’ve listened to his playing. He can’t get anybody to do that for him in Wyck.”

“You’ve heard him play. He can’t get anyone to do that for him in Wyck.”

“They hear enough of me on Sundays.”

“They hear plenty from me on Sundays.”

“Then they haven’t heard him. He plays much better on week-days, when he plays to me,” said Effie.

“Then they haven’t heard him. He plays way better on weekdays, when he plays for me,” said Effie.

“So I can imagine,” Mrs. Hollyer said.

“So I can imagine,” Mrs. Hollyer said.

“She thinks I’m better than I am,” said Hollyer.

“She thinks I’m better than I really am,” said Hollyer.

“Go on thinking it. That’s the way to make him better.” She was smiling at Effie as if she liked her.

“Keep thinking that. It’s the way to help him improve.” She was smiling at Effie as if she actually liked her.

All through tea-time and after they talked about Wilfrid’s playing and Wilfrid and Wyck, and the people of Wyck, and how they knew nothing and cared nothing about Wilfrid’s playing.

All throughout tea time and after, they talked about Wilfrid’s playing, Wilfrid and Wyck, the people of Wyck, and how they knew nothing and didn’t care at all about Wilfrid’s playing.

Twilight came, twilight of October. He was going to walk back with Effie down the hill to Lower Wyck.

Twilight arrived, the twilight of October. He was going to walk back with Effie down the hill to Lower Wyck.

As the house door closed behind them he said: “Now you know why I’m nothing but an organist at Wyck.”

As the house door shut behind them, he said, “Now you see why I’m just an organist at Wyck.”

“Wilfrid, she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve seen yet—your mother. No wonder you can’t leave her.”

“Wilfrid, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen—your mom. No wonder you can’t walk away from her.”

“It isn’t that altogether. I mean we’re tied here because we can’t afford to leave; and because I’ve got this organ job. I should never have had it anywhere else.” He paused. “And you know, I couldn’t live on it—without mother. She’s got the house.”

“It’s not exactly that. I mean we’re stuck here because we can’t afford to leave; and because I’ve got this job playing the organ. I should never have accepted it anywhere else.” He paused. “And you know, I couldn’t survive on it—without Mom. She owns the house.”

Effie said nothing.

Effie stayed silent.

“So here I am. Thirty-five and still dependent on my mother.”

“So here I am. Thirty-five and still relying on my mom.”

“Oh, Wilfrid, what will you do when—when—”

“Oh, Wilfrid, what are you going to do when—when—”

“When my mother dies? That’s the awful thing. I shall have enough then. There’ll be the house and her income. I hate to think of it. I don’t think of it—”

“When my mother dies? That’s the terrible part. I’ll have enough then. There’ll be the house and her income. I dislike thinking about it. I don’t think about it—”

“You see,” he went on, “when I was a kid I was so seedy they didn’t think I’d live. So I was brought up to do nothing. Nothing but my playing. They gave me this job just to keep me quiet. And now I’m strong enough, but there’s nothing else I can do.”

“You see,” he continued, “when I was a kid I was in such bad shape that they didn’t think I’d make it. So I was raised to do nothing. Nothing except play. They gave me this job just to keep me quiet. And now I’m strong enough, but there’s nothing else I can do.”

He hung his head, frowning gloomily.

He lowered his head, looking unhappy.

“You know why I’m telling you all this?”

“You know why I’m sharing all this with you?”

“No. But I’m glad you’ve told me.”

“No. But I’m glad you let me know.”

“It’s because—because—if I had a decent income, Effie, I’d ask you to marry me. As it is, I can only hope that you won’t ever care for me as I care for you.”

“It’s because—because—if I had a decent income, Effie, I’d ask you to marry me. As it is, I can only hope that you won’t ever care for me as I care for you.”

“But I do care for you. You know I do.”

“But I really care about you. You know I do.”

“Would you have married me, Effie? Do you care as much as that?”

“Would you have married me, Effie? Do you really care that much?”

“You know I would. I will the minute you ask me.”

“You know I would. I’ll do it as soon as you ask me.”

“I shall never ask you.”

"I'll never ask you."

“Why not? I can wait.”

"Why not? I can wait."

“My dear, for what?” He paused again. “I can’t marry in my mother’s lifetime.”

“My dear, for what?” He paused again. “I can’t get married while my mother is still alive.”

“Oh, Wilfrid—I didn’t mean that. Your dear, beautiful mother. You know I didn’t.”

“Oh, Wilfrid—I didn’t mean that. Your lovely, beautiful mom. You know I didn’t.”

“Of course, darling, I know. But there it is.”

“Of course, babe, I know. But there it is.”

He left her at the gate of the cottage where she lived with her father.

He dropped her off at the gate of the cottage where she lived with her dad.

As he went back up the hill he meditated on his position. He was right to make it clear to her, now that she had begun to care for him. He would have told her long ago if he had known that she cared. Yesterday he didn’t know it. But to-day there had been something, in her manner, in her voice, in the way she looked at him in the church after his playing, that had told him.

As he walked back up the hill, he thought about his situation. He was right to be honest with her now that she had started to care for him. He would have told her sooner if he had realized she felt that way. Yesterday, he didn’t know. But today, there was something in her behavior, in her tone, in the way she looked at him in the church after he played, that made it clear to him.

Poor little Effie. She would have nothing either, unless her father—and Effie’s father was a robust man, not quite fifty.

Poor little Effie. She wouldn’t have anything either, unless her dad—and Effie’s dad was a strong man, not yet fifty.

Well—he mustn’t think of it. And he mustn’t let his mother think. He wondered whether he was too late, whether she had seen anything. He tried to slink past the drawing-room and up the stairs. But his mother had heard him come in. She called to him. He went to her, shame-faced, as if he had committed a sin.

Well—he shouldn't think about it. And he shouldn't let his mom think about it either. He wondered if he was too late, if she had noticed anything. He tried to sneak past the living room and up the stairs. But his mom had heard him come in. She called out to him. He went to her, feeling ashamed, as if he had done something wrong.

Her large, gentle eyes looked at him, wondering. He could see them wondering.

Her big, gentle eyes stared at him with curiosity. He could see the curiosity in them.

“Wilfrid,” she said suddenly, “do you care for that little girl?”

“Wilfrid,” she said suddenly, “do you like that little girl?”

“What’s the good of my caring? I can’t marry her. I’ve just told her so.”

“What’s the point of me caring? I can’t marry her. I just told her that.”

“It’s too late. She’s in love with you. You should have told her before.”

“It’s too late. She’s in love with you. You should have told her earlier.”

“How could I if she didn’t care? You can’t be fatuous.”

“How can I if she doesn’t care? You can’t be foolish.”

“No—poor boy. Poor Effie.”

“No—poor kid. Poor Effie.”

“Mother—why couldn’t I have been brought up to a profession?”

“Mom—why couldn’t I have been raised to have a career?”

“You know why—you weren’t strong enough. It was as much as I could do to keep you alive.”

“You know why—you weren’t strong enough. I barely managed to keep you alive.”

“I’m strong enough now.”

“I’m strong enough now.”

“Only because I took such care of you. Only because you hadn’t to go out and earn your own living. You’d have been dead before you were twenty if I hadn’t kept you with me.”

“Only because I took such good care of you. Only because you didn’t have to go out and make a living. You would have been dead before you turned twenty if I hadn’t kept you with me.”

“It would have been better if you’d let me die.”

“It would have been better if you had just let me die.”

“Don’t say that, Wilfrid. What should I have done without you? What should I do without you now?”

“Don’t say that, Wilfrid. What would I have done without you? What am I supposed to do without you now?”

“You mean if I married?”

"You mean if I get married?"

“No, my dear. I’d be glad if you could marry. I don’t want to keep you tied to me for ever. If you can get better work and better pay by going anywhere else, I shan’t mind your leaving me.”

“No, my dear. I’d be happy if you could get married. I don’t want to keep you stuck with me forever. If you can find better work and better pay by going somewhere else, I won’t mind if you leave me.”

“I shouldn’t get anything. I’m not good enough. I shall never be worth more than fifty pounds a year anywhere. We can’t live on that.”

“I don’t deserve anything. I’m not good enough. I’ll never be worth more than fifty pounds a year anywhere. We can’t survive on that.”

“If you could live on half my income, I’d give it you, but you couldn’t.”

“If you could live on half my income, I’d give it to you, but you couldn’t.”

“No. We’ll just have to wait.”

“No. We’ll just have to wait.”

“I hope for your sake, my dear, it won’t be too long.”

“I hope for your sake, my dear, it won’t be too long.”

“What do you mean, mother?”

"What do you mean, Mom?"

“What did you mean?”

“What did you mean?”

“Why, I meant we’d have to wait till I heard of something.”

“Honestly, I meant we’d have to wait until I heard about something.”

“You might have meant something else.” She smiled.

“You might have meant something different.” She smiled.

“Oh, mother—don’t.”

“Oh, mom—don't.”

“Why not?” she said cheerfully.

“Why not?” she said happily.

“You know—you know I couldn’t bear it.”

“You know—I just couldn’t handle it.”

“You’ll have to bear it some day—I’m an old woman.”

“You'll have to deal with it someday—I'm an old woman.”

“Well, I shall be an old man—by then.”

“Well, I’ll be an old man by then.”

He tossed it back to her, laughing, as he left her to wash his hands and brush his hair. He laughed, to shake off her pathos and to hide his own.

He threw it back to her, laughing, as he went to wash his hands and fix his hair. He laughed to shake off her sadness and to cover up his own.

When he talked about waiting, he hadn’t meant what she thought he meant. He was simply trying to dismiss a too serious situation with a reassuring levity. Waiting to hear of something? Was it likely he would ever hear of anything? Could he have made a more frivolous suggestion?

When he talked about waiting, he didn't mean what she thought he meant. He was just trying to lighten a serious situation with a comforting touch of humor. Waiting to hear about something? Was it even likely he would ever hear anything? Could he have made a more trivial suggestion?

It was she who had faced it. She had made him see how hopeless their case was, his and Effie’s. He saw it now, as he saw his own face in the glass, between two hair-brushes, a little drawn, even now, a little sallow and haggard. Not a young face.

It was her who had confronted it. She had shown him just how hopeless his situation was, along with Effie’s. He realized it now, just like he noticed his own reflection in the mirror, flanked by two hairbrushes, looking somewhat worn, even now, a bit pale and exhausted. Not a youthful face.

He would be an old man—an old man before he could dream of marrying. His mother, after all, was only sixty, and she came of a long-lived family. Her apparent fragility was an illusion; she had never had a day’s illness as long as he could remember. Nerves like whipcord, young arteries, and every organ sound. She would live ten—fifteen—twenty years longer, live to be eighty. He was thirty-five now, and Effie was twenty-five. Before they could marry, they would be fifty-five and forty-five; old, old; too old to feel, to care passionately. He had no right to ask Effie to wait twenty years for him.

He would be an old man—an old man before he could even think about getting married. His mother was only sixty, after all, and she came from a family known for longevity. Her apparent frailty was just an illusion; she hadn’t been sick a day in his memory. She had strong nerves, youthful arteries, and all her organs were healthy. She’d likely live another ten, fifteen, maybe even twenty years, reaching eighty. He was thirty-five now, and Effie was twenty-five. By the time they could get married, they’d be fifty-five and forty-five; old, really old; too old to feel deeply or care passionately. He had no right to ask Effie to wait twenty years for him.

He must give up thinking about her.

He has to stop thinking about her.

His mother was still in her chair by the drawing-room fire, waiting for him. She turned as he came to her, and held up her face to be kissed, like a child, he thought, or like a young wife waiting for her husband. She put her hands on his hair and stroked it. And he remembered the time when he used to say to her: “I shall never marry. You’re all the wife I want, Mother.”

His mom was still sitting in her chair by the living room fire, waiting for him. She turned as he approached her and lifted her face to be kissed, like a child, he thought, or like a young wife waiting for her husband. She put her hands on his hair and stroked it. And he remembered the time when he used to tell her, “I’ll never get married. You’re all the wife I need, Mom.”

And now it was as if he had been calculating on her death.

And now it felt like he had been planning for her death.

But he hadn’t. He hadn’t. You couldn’t calculate on anything so far-off, so unlikely. He had done the only possible, the only decent thing. He had given Effie up.

But he hadn't. He hadn't. You couldn't count on anything so distant, so unlikely. He had done the only thing he could, the only decent thing. He had let Effie go.

II
II

The doctor had gone. Hollyer went back into his mother’s room. She lay there, dozing, in the big white bed, propped high on the pillows. Through her mouth, piteously open, he could hear her short quick breath, struggling and gasping.

The doctor had left. Hollyer returned to his mother’s room. She was lying there, dozing, in the large white bed, propped up high on the pillows. Through her mouth, sadly open, he could hear her short, quick breaths, struggling and gasping.

The illness had lasted nine days. Even now Hollyer hadn’t got used to it. He still looked at the figure in the bed with the same stare of shocked incredulity. It was still incredible that his mother’s influenza should have turned to pleurisy, that she should lie like that, utterly abandoned, the neat pile of her hair undone, and her face, with its open mouth, loose and infirm between the two white loops that hung askew, rumpled by the pillow. He knew in a vague way how it had happened. First his own attack of influenza, then his mother’s. His had been pretty bad, but hers had been slight, so slight that it had not been recognized, and through it she had still nursed him. Then she had gone out too soon, in the raw January weather. And now the doctor came morning and evening; she had a trained nurse for the night, and Hollyer looked after her all day.

The illness had lasted nine days. Even now, Hollyer hadn’t gotten used to it. He still looked at the figure in the bed with the same stare of shocked disbelief. It was still unbelievable that his mother’s flu had developed into pleurisy, that she lay there, completely helpless, her once neat hair a mess, and her face, with its open mouth, slack and frail between the two white loops of fabric that hung crooked, crumpled by the pillow. He had a vague sense of how it had happened. First, he had his own bout of flu, then his mother’s. His had been pretty bad, but hers had been mild, so mild that it had gone unnoticed, and even while she was sick, she had still taken care of him. Then she had gone out too soon, in the biting January weather. Now, the doctor came morning and evening; she had a nurse for the night, and Hollyer took care of her all day.

He had got used to the nurse. Her expensive presence proved to him that he had nothing to reproach himself with; he had done, as they said, everything that could be done.

He had gotten used to the nurse. Her costly presence showed him that he had nothing to feel guilty about; he had done, as they said, everything that could be done.

He knew that the nurse and the doctor disagreed about the case. Nurse Eden declared that his mother would get over it. Dr. Ransome was convinced she wouldn’t; she hadn’t strength in her for another rally. Hollyer himself agreed with Nurse Eden. He couldn’t believe that his mother would die. The thought of her death was unbearable, therefore he denied it, he put it from him. When he left her for the night he would come creeping back at midnight and dawn, to make sure that she was still there.

He knew the nurse and the doctor disagreed about the situation. Nurse Eden insisted that his mother would recover. Dr. Ransome was sure she wouldn’t; she didn’t have the strength for another fight. Hollyer himself agreed with Nurse Eden. He couldn’t accept that his mother would die. The idea of her death was too much to handle, so he pushed it away and refused to think about it. When he left her at night, he would sneak back at midnight and dawn to check if she was still there.

The little room was half filled by the big white bed. It seemed to him there was nothing in it but the white bed and his mother and Nurse Eden in her white uniform. She had looked in on her way downstairs to tea. Everything was cold and white. On the window-panes the frost made a white pattern of moss and feathers. From his seat between the bed and the fire he could see Nurse Eden and her small, pure face brooding above the pillows as she shifted them with tender, competent hands.

The small room was mostly taken up by the large white bed. To him, it felt like the only things in there were the white bed, his mother, and Nurse Eden in her white uniform. She had come by on her way downstairs for tea. Everything felt cold and white. The frost created a white pattern on the windowpanes, resembling moss and feathers. From his spot between the bed and the fire, he could see Nurse Eden and her small, gentle face hovering over the pillows as she adjusted them with caring, skilled hands.

“She’ll be better in the morning,” she said. “She always gets better in the night.”

“She’ll feel better in the morning,” she said. “She always improves at night.”

She did. Always she gained ground in the night under Nurse Eden and always she lost it in the daytime, getting worse and worse towards evening.

She did. She always made progress at night with Nurse Eden, but during the day, she lost it, feeling worse and worse by evening.

The afternoon wore on. At four o’clock old Martha, the servant, tapped at the door. Miss Carroll, she said, was downstairs and wanted to see him. Martha took his place at the bedside.

The afternoon continued. At four o’clock, old Martha, the servant, knocked on the door. She said that Miss Carroll was downstairs and wanted to see him. Martha took his place by the bedside.

Every day Effie came to inquire, and every day she went away sad, as if it had been her own mother who was dying. This time she stayed, for the old doctor had stopped her in the Square and told her to get Hollyer out of his mother’s room, if possible. “Talk to him. Take him off it. Make him buck up.”

Every day, Effie came to check in, and every day she left feeling down, as if it were her own mother who was on the verge of dying. This time she lingered because the old doctor had stopped her in the Square and asked her to get Hollyer out of his mother’s room, if she could. “Talk to him. Get him to snap out of it. Make him perk up.”

She sat in his mother’s chair behind the round tea-table and poured out his tea for him, and talked to him about his music and a book she had been reading. When he looked at her, at her sweet face, soft and clear with youth, at her hands moving with pretty gestures, his heart trembled. That was how it would be if Effie was his wife. They would sit there every day and she would pour out his tea for him. He would hear her feet running up and down the stairs.

She sat in his mom’s chair behind the round tea table and poured him a cup of tea while talking about his music and a book she had been reading. When he looked at her, at her lovely face, soft and clear with youth, and at her hands moving with graceful gestures, his heart fluttered. That’s how it would be if Effie were his wife. They would sit there every day, and she would pour his tea for him. He would hear her feet running up and down the stairs.

When she got up to go she said, “Whatever you do, Wilfrid, don’t keep on thinking about it.”

When she stood up to leave, she said, “Whatever you do, Wilfrid, don’t keep thinking about it.”

“I can’t help thinking.”

"I can't stop thinking."

She put her hand on his sleeve and stroked it. At her touch he broke down.

She placed her hand on his sleeve and gently ran her fingers over it. At her touch, he fell apart.

“Oh, Effie—I cannot bear it. If she dies, I shall never forgive myself.”

“Oh, Effie—I can't take it. If she dies, I'll never forgive myself.”

“Nonsense. Don’t talk about her dying. Don’t think about it.”

“Nonsense. Don’t talk about her dying. Don’t even think about it.”

She turned to him on the doorstep. “Just think how strong she is. I can’t see her ill, somehow. I see her there, all the time, sitting upright in her chair, looking beautiful.”

She turned to him on the doorstep. “Just think about how strong she is. I can’t picture her sick, somehow. I see her there all the time, sitting up in her chair, looking gorgeous.”

That was how he had once seen her, sitting there between the fire and the round tea-table, for years and years, as long as his own life lasted.

That was how he had once seen her, sitting there between the fire and the round tea table, for years and years, as long as his own life lasted.

But now he saw Effie. Upstairs, in his mother’s room, as he watched, he saw Effie. Effie—the sweet face, and the sweet hands moving. He heard Effie’s voice in the rooms, Effie’s feet on the stairs. That was how it would be if Effie was his wife.

But now he saw Effie. Upstairs, in his mom’s room, as he watched, he saw Effie. Effie—the lovely face, and the lovely hands moving. He heard Effie’s voice in the rooms, Effie’s footsteps on the stairs. That’s how it would be if Effie was his wife.

That was how it would be if his mother died.

That’s what it would be like if his mom died.

He would have an income of his own, and a house of his own; he would be his own master in his house.

He would have his own income and his own house; he would be his own boss in his home.

If his mother died, Effie and he would sleep together. Perhaps in that bed, on those pillows.

If his mom passed away, Effie and he would share a bed. Maybe in that bed, on those pillows.

He shut his eyes and covered his face with his hands, pressing in on his eyelids as if that way he could keep out the sight of Effie.

He shut his eyes and covered his face with his hands, pressing against his eyelids as if that would help him block out the sight of Effie.

III
III

That evening the doctor came again. He left a little before nine o’clock, the hour when Nurse Eden would begin her night watch. He refused to hold out any hope. She was sinking fast.

That evening, the doctor came back. He left just before nine o’clock, the time when Nurse Eden would start her night shift. He wouldn’t give any hope. She was fading quickly.

As Hollyer turned from the front-door he met Nurse Eden coming downstairs. She signed to him to follow her into the drawing-room, moving before him without a sound. She shut the door.

As Hollyer turned away from the front door, he saw Nurse Eden coming down the stairs. She gestured for him to follow her into the living room, moving quietly in front of him. She closed the door.

He was afraid of Nurse Eden; there was something—he didn’t know what it was, but—there was something unbearable in her small, pure face; in the thrust of her chin tilted by the stiff cap-strings; in her brave, slender mouth, straightening itself against the droop of its compassion; and in the stillness of her dense, grey eyes. Her eyes made him feel uneasy, somehow, and unsafe. He was going to sit up with her to-night; but he would rather have shared his night-watch with old Martha.

He was scared of Nurse Eden; there was something—he couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was, but—there was something overwhelming about her small, innocent face; in the way her chin jutted out under the stiff cap strings; in her brave, slender mouth that held itself steady against its natural droop of compassion; and in the quiet depth of her dark grey eyes. Her eyes made him feel uncomfortable, in a way that felt unsteady. He was supposed to stay up with her tonight, but he would have preferred sharing the night watch with old Martha.

“Well?” she said.

“Well?” she asked.

“He says this is the end.”

“He says this is the end.”

“It may be,” said Nurse Eden. “But it needn’t.”

“It might be,” Nurse Eden said. “But it doesn’t have to be.”

“You’ve seen her.”

"You've seen her."

“Yes.”

"Yep."

Well—?

So—?

“She hasn’t gone yet, Mr. Hollyer— She’s on the edge. She’s in that state when a breath would tip her one way or the other.”

“She hasn’t left yet, Mr. Hollyer— She’s at a breaking point. She’s in that situation where just one breath could push her in either direction.”

“A breath?”

"Take a breath?"

“Yes, Mr. Hollyer. Or a thought.”

“Yes, Mr. Hollyer. Or maybe just a thought.”

“A thought?”

“Any thoughts?”

“A thought. If I had Mrs. Hollyer to myself, I believe I could bring her round even now.”

“A thought. If I had Mrs. Hollyer all to myself, I think I could win her over even now.”

“Oh, Nurse—”

"Hey, Nurse—"

“I have brought her round. Night after night I’ve brought her.”

“I have brought her back. Night after night, I’ve brought her.”

“What do you do?”

“What do you do for a living?”

“I don’t know what I do. But it works. Haven’t you noticed she gets better in the night when I’ve had her; and that she slips back in the day?”

“I don’t know what I do. But it works. Haven’t you noticed she gets better at night when I’ve had her; and that she slips back during the day?”

“Yes, I have.”

“Yeah, I have.”

“You see, Mr. Hollyer, Dr. Ransome’s made up his mind. And when the doctor makes up his mind that the patient’s going to die, ten to one the patient does die. It lowers their resistance. It isn’t every one that would feel it; but your mother would.”

“You see, Mr. Hollyer, Dr. Ransome has made up his mind. And when the doctor decides that the patient is going to die, chances are the patient will die. It weakens their resistance. Not everyone would notice it; but your mother would.”

“If,” she went on, “I had her day and night, I might save her.”

“If,” she continued, “if I had her all day and night, I might be able to save her.”

“You really think that?”

“Do you really think that?”

“I think there’s a chance.”

"I think there’s a chance."

He didn’t know whether he believed her or not. Dr. Ransome shrugged his shoulders and said Nurse Eden could try it if she liked. She had a wonderful way with her; but he wouldn’t advise Hollyer to count on it. Nothing but a miracle, he said, could save his mother.

He didn’t know if he believed her or not. Dr. Ransome shrugged and said Nurse Eden could give it a shot if she wanted. She had a great way with people; but he wouldn’t recommend that Hollyer rely on it. He said nothing short of a miracle could save his mother.

Hollyer didn’t count on Nurse Eden’s way. But he thought—something stronger than himself compelled him to think—that his mother would not die.

Hollyer didn’t expect Nurse Eden’s approach. But he felt—something stronger than himself made him feel—that his mother wouldn’t die.

And each hour showed her slowly coming back. Under his eyes the miracle was being accomplished. At midnight her breathing and temperature and pulse were normal; and by noon of the next day even Ransome was convinced. He wouldn’t swear to the miracle, but whatever Nurse Eden had or had not done, he believed Mrs. Hollyer would recover.

And with each hour, she was gradually returning. Under his watch, the miracle was happening. By midnight, her breathing, temperature, and pulse were all normal; and by noon the following day, even Ransome was convinced. He wouldn’t guarantee the miracle, but whatever Nurse Eden did or didn’t do, he believed Mrs. Hollyer would get better.

Hollyer not only believed it, but he was certain, as Nurse Eden was certain. She came to him, radiant with certainty, and told him that his mind could be at rest now.

Hollyer not only believed it, but he was sure, just like Nurse Eden was sure. She approached him, glowing with confidence, and told him that he could relax now.

But his mind was not at rest. It had only rested while he doubted, as if doubt absolved him from knowledge of some secret that he could not face. With the first moment of certainty he was aware of it. It was given to him in physical sensations, a weight and pain about his heart that did not lie. In a flash he saw himself back in his old life of dependence and frustration. There would be no Effie sitting with him in the house, no Effie running up and down the stairs. He would not sleep with Effie in the big, white bed. They would grow old, wanting each other.

But his mind was still restless. It had only found peace while he was doubting, as if doubt freed him from knowing a truth he couldn’t bear to confront. The moment he felt certain, he became aware of it. It showed itself through physical sensations, a weight and pain in his heart that couldn’t be ignored. In an instant, he saw himself back in his old life of dependency and frustration. There would be no Effie sitting with him in the house, no Effie running up and down the stairs. He wouldn’t share the big, white bed with Effie. They would grow old, longing for each other.

He tried to jerk his mouth into a smile, but it had stiffened. It opened, gasping, as his muffled heart-beats choked him.

He attempted to force a smile, but his face was rigid. His mouth opened, gasping, as his muffled heartbeats made him feel like he was choking.

He went upstairs to his mother’s room. She was sitting up in bed, clear-eyed, almost alert, and she turned her face to him as he entered.

He went upstairs to his mom's room. She was sitting up in bed, wide awake, almost alert, and she turned her face to him as he walked in.

“I don’t know how it is,” she said. “I thought I was going, but there’s something that won’t let me go. It keeps on pulling me back and back.” (Nurse Eden looked at him.) “Is it you, Wilfrid?”

“I don’t know what’s going on,” she said. “I thought I was ready to leave, but there’s something holding me back. It keeps pulling me back and back.” (Nurse Eden looked at him.) “Is it you, Wilfrid?”

He knelt down and buried his face in the bedclothes by her side. His sobs shook the mattress. The nurse took him by the arm; he got up and stared at her as if dazed and drunk with grief. She led him from the room.

He knelt down and buried his face in the sheets next to her. His sobs shook the mattress. The nurse grabbed him by the arm; he stood up and stared at her as if he was in a daze, overwhelmed with grief. She guided him out of the room.

“You’re upsetting her,” she said. “Don’t come back till you’ve pulled yourself together.”

“You're upsetting her,” she said. “Don't come back until you've gotten your act together.”

When he went back his mother was sleeping calmly. Hollyer and the nurse withdrew from the bedside to the window and talked there in low voices.

When he returned, his mother was sleeping peacefully. Hollyer and the nurse stepped away from the bedside to the window and spoke in quiet voices.

“Did you hear what she said. Nurse?”

“Did you hear what she said, Nurse?”

“Yes. We can get her through, between us, if we make up our minds she’s to live. Think of what she was yesterday.”

“Yes. We can help her if we decide she deserves to live. Remember what she was like yesterday.”

“But do you think we ought to? I don’t want her brought back to suffer.”

“But do you think we should? I don’t want her to come back just to suffer.”

“She isn’t going to suffer. There’s no reason why she shouldn’t be as well as ever. If you want her to live.”

“She’s not going to suffer. There’s no reason she shouldn’t be just as good as ever. If you want her to live.”

“Want her? Of course I want her to live.”

“Want her? Of course I want her to survive.”

“I know you do. But you must get rid of your fear.”

“I know you do. But you need to let go of your fear.”

“My fear?”

"My fear?"

“Your fear of her dying.”

"Your fear of her passing."

“Do you think my fear could—could make her?”

“Do you think my fear could—could influence her?”

“I know it could. Make up your mind with me that she’s going to get well.”

“I know it could. Let's agree that she’s going to get better.”

“Supposing she wants to go? Supposing she’s fighting against us all the time?”

“What if she wants to leave? What if she’s against us all the time?”

“She isn’t fighting. She hasn’t any fight in her— Now, while she’s sleeping, is the time. You’ve only got to say to yourself ‘She shall live. She’s going to live.’ There—you sit in that chair, make yourself quite comfortable, shut your eyes, and keep on saying it. Don’t think of anything else.”

“She isn’t fighting. She doesn’t have any fight in her— Now, while she’s sleeping, is the time. You just have to tell yourself ‘She will live. She’s going to make it.’ There—you sit in that chair, get yourself comfortable, close your eyes, and keep saying it. Don’t think about anything else.”

He sat down. He said it over and over again: “She shall live. She’s going to live. She shall live—” He tried to think of nothing else; but all the time he was aware of the dragging of his heart. He shut his eyes, but he couldn’t get rid of the vision of Effie. Effie sitting in his mother’s place. Effie sleeping beside him in the big bed.

He sat down. He repeated it over and over: “She’s going to live. She’s going to live. She’s going to live—” He tried to focus on nothing else; but all the while, he felt his heart heavy. He closed his eyes, but he couldn’t shake the image of Effie. Effie sitting where his mother used to sit. Effie sleeping next to him in the big bed.

“She shall live. She’s going to live.” The words meant nothing. Only the dragging weight at his heart had meaning. And it didn’t lie.

“She will live. She’s going to live.” The words meant nothing. Only the heavy feeling in his heart had meaning. And it didn’t lie.

He thought: If that’s how I feel about it, I’d better keep my mind off her.

He thought, "If that’s how I feel about it, I’d better not think about her."

Then he was aware that he was tired, dead beat, too tired to think. And presently, sitting upright in the chair, he fell asleep.

Then he realized he was exhausted, completely worn out, too tired to think. And soon, sitting upright in the chair, he fell asleep.

He was waked by Nurse Eden’s voice calling to him from the bed: “Mr. Hollyer! She’s going!”

He was awakened by Nurse Eden's voice calling to him from the bed: “Mr. Hollyer! She’s leaving!”

His mother lay in the nurse’s arms, her head had fallen forward on her chest, her mouth was open; and through it there came a groaning, grating cry. Once, twice, three times; and she was gone.

His mother lay in the nurse's arms, her head had fallen forward on her chest, her mouth was open; and from it came a groaning, grating cry. Once, twice, three times; and she was gone.

After the funeral Hollyer went up into his mother’s room. Nurse Eden was there, removing the signs of death. She had covered the bed with a white counterpane. She had opened the door and window wide, and a flood of clean cold air streamed through the room.

After the funeral, Hollyer went up to his mother’s room. Nurse Eden was there, clearing away the signs of death. She had covered the bed with a white quilt. She had opened the door and window wide, and a rush of fresh, cold air flowed through the room.

“Nurse,” he said, “come here a minute.”

“Nurse,” he said, “come here for a second.”

She followed him into his bed-sitting room on the other side of the landing. Hollyer shut the door.

She followed him into his bed-sitting room on the other side of the landing. Hollyer shut the door.

“You remember that night when my mother got better?”

“You remember that night when my mom got better?”

“Indeed I do.”

"Yes, I do."

“Do you still think you brought her back?”

“Do you still think you brought her back?”

“I do think it.”

“I really believe that.”

“Do you really believe that a thought—a thought could do that?”

“Do you really think that a thought—a thought could do that?”

“Yes.”

"Yep."

“But it doesn’t always work. It breaks down.”

“But it doesn’t always work. It fails.”

“Sometimes. That night she died I felt it wasn’t working. I was up against a wall. I couldn’t get through. But remember, before that, she was going when I brought her back.”

“Sometimes. That night she died, I felt like it wasn’t working. I was up against a wall. I couldn’t break through. But remember, before that, she was leaving when I brought her back.”

“Could a thought—another thought—kill?”

“Could one thought—another thought—kill?”

“It depends. Perhaps, if it was a very strong thought. A wish.”

“It depends. Maybe if it was a really strong thought. A desire.”

Her queer eyes looked through him and beyond him, not seeing him, seeing some reality that was not he. He had gone to her for her truth and she had given it him. A wish, even a hidden wish, could kill. In the dark, secret places of the mind your thoughts ran loose beyond your knowing; they burrowed under the walls that shut off one self from another; they got through. It was as if his secret self had broken loose, and got through to his mother, and had killed her secretly, in the dark. His wish was a part of himself, but stronger than himself. The force behind it was indestructible, for it was a form of his desire for Effie; so that while he lived he could not kill it.

Her strange eyes looked right through him, not really seeing him but instead focusing on a reality that he wasn’t part of. He had come to her seeking the truth, and she had revealed it to him. A wish, even one kept hidden, could be dangerous. In the dark, secret corners of the mind, thoughts ran free beyond your awareness; they slipped under the barriers that separate one self from another; they found a way through. It felt as if his hidden self had escaped, reaching out to his mother, and had caused her demise in silence, in the dark. His wish was part of him, but stronger than him. The force behind it was unbreakable because it stemmed from his desire for Effie; so as long as he lived, he could never extinguish it.

It had been there all the time, cunningly disguised. It was there in his fear of Nurse Eden; it was there in that obstinate belief of his that his mother would live. His beliefs were always the expression of his fears. He had been afraid that his mother would not die. That was his fear. He saw it all clearly in the moment while Nurse Eden’s voice went on.

It had been there all along, cleverly hidden. It was present in his fear of Nurse Eden; it was in that stubborn belief of his that his mother would survive. His beliefs always showed his fears. He had been scared that his mother wouldn’t die. That was his fear. He realized it all clearly in that moment while Nurse Eden’s voice continued.

“But it wasn’t that, Mr. Hollyer,” she was saying. “We were all wishing her to live— No. I think she was too far gone. She had got beyond us.”

“But it wasn’t that, Mr. Hollyer,” she was saying. “We all wanted her to live— No. I think she was too far gone. She had gone beyond us.”

It was too late for Nurse Eden to go back on it. He knew. He was certain.

It was too late for Nurse Eden to change his mind. He knew it. He was sure.

IV
IV

He knew, and if he were to keep on thinking about it—but he was afraid to think. You could go mad, thinking. The moment of his certainty remained in his memory; he knew where to find it if he chose to look that way. But he refused to look. Such things were better forgotten.

He knew, and if he kept thinking about it—but he was scared to think. You could lose your mind, thinking. The moment of his certainty stuck in his memory; he knew where to find it if he decided to look. But he refused to look. Some things were better left forgotten.

He told himself there was nothing in it. Nothing but Nurse Eden’s hysteria and vanity. She wanted you to believe she was wonderful, that she could do things. She didn’t really believe it herself. In her own last moment of honesty she had confessed as much. He was a fool to have been taken in by her.

He told himself it was all nonsense. Just Nurse Eden’s hysteria and self-importance. She wanted everyone to think she was amazing, that she could accomplish great things. Deep down, she didn’t really believe it herself. In her final moment of honesty, she had admitted as much. He was a fool for being deceived by her.

Meanwhile, three months after his mother’s death, he had married Effie Carroll. Her father, who had held out against the engagement, surrendered suddenly on the day of the wedding, and made his daughter an allowance of fifty pounds a year. He said he didn’t want to profit by her folly, and the fifty pounds were no more than the cost of her keep.

Meanwhile, three months after his mother’s death, he married Effie Carroll. Her father, who had resisted the engagement, suddenly gave in on the day of the wedding and provided his daughter with an allowance of fifty pounds a year. He claimed he didn’t want to benefit from her foolishness, and the fifty pounds were barely enough to cover her expenses.

It was horrible to think they should owe their happiness to his mother’s death; but as things had turned out they didn’t owe it; they could have married even if she had lived. And as he had now no motive for wishing her dead, he almost forgot that he had ever wished it.

It was terrible to think they should owe their happiness to his mother’s death; but given how things turned out, they didn’t owe it; they could have married even if she had lived. And since he now had no reason to wish her dead, he almost forgot that he had ever wished it.

Not that Hollyer reproached himself; his tendency, when he thought it all over, was to reproach his mother. He had found out something about himself. Before he married he had gone to Dr. Ransome to be overhauled, and Ransome had told him there was nothing much the matter with him; never was. And if the old pessimist said there wasn’t much the matter, you might depend upon it there wasn’t anything at all. Except, Ransome said, molly-coddling; and that wasn’t Hollyer’s fault.

Not that Hollyer blamed himself; when he reflected on it all, he tended to blame his mother. He had discovered something about himself. Before he got married, he went to see Dr. Ransome for a check-up, and Ransome told him there wasn’t really anything wrong with him; there never had been. And if the old pessimist said there wasn’t much wrong, you could bet there was absolutely nothing at all. Except, Ransome noted, he was a bit pampered; and that wasn't Hollyer's fault.

“Whose was it, then?” Hollyer had asked. “My mother’s?”

“Whose was it, then?” Hollyer asked. “My mom’s?”

“No. Your dear mother, Hollyer, had no faults. But she made mistakes, as we all do.”

“No. Your dear mother, Hollyer, had no flaws. But she made mistakes, just like all of us.”

“You mean, if I’d been allowed to live like other people I’d have been all right?”

"You mean, if I had been allowed to live like everyone else, I would have been fine?"

“Well—you weren’t a very robust infant; and later on there was a slight risk. Personally, I’d have taken it. You must take some risks. But your mother was afraid. You were all she had. And I daresay she wasn’t sorry to keep you with her.”

“Well—you weren’t a very strong baby; and later on there was a small risk. Honestly, I would have taken it. You have to take some risks. But your mother was scared. You were all she had. And I bet she was glad to keep you with her.”

“I see.”

"Got it."

He saw it clearly. He had been sacrificed to his mother’s selfishness. Nothing but that had doomed him to his humiliating dependence, his poverty, his intolerable celibacy. He found himself brooding over it, going back and back to it, with a certain gratification, as if it justified him. His mind was appeased by this righteous resentment. When the remembrance of his mother’s beauty and sweetness rushed at him and accused him he turned from it to his brooding.

He saw it clearly. He had been sacrificed to his mother’s selfishness. Nothing but that had doomed him to his humiliating dependence, his poverty, and his unbearable celibacy. He found himself dwelling on it, returning to it repeatedly, with a sense of satisfaction, as if it justified him. His mind found peace in this justified anger. When memories of his mother’s beauty and kindness overwhelmed him and blamed him, he turned away from it to his brooding instead.

He had begun to talk, to say things about his mother. Put into spoken words his grievance seemed more real; it acquired validity.

He had started to talk, to share things about his mom. Putting his grievances into words made them feel more real; they gained validity.

He had felt so safe. His mother couldn’t hear him. She would never know what he thought about her; he would have died rather than let her know. And he had only talked to Effie. Talking to his wife was no worse than thinking to himself. After all he had gone through, he felt he was entitled to that relief.

He had felt so safe. His mother couldn’t hear him. She would never know what he thought about her; he would have rather died than let her know. And he had only talked to Effie. Talking to his wife was no worse than thinking to himself. After everything he had been through, he felt he deserved that relief.

It was June, a hot, close evening before lamplight; they were sitting together in the drawing-room, Effie in his mother’s chair and he at his piano in the recess on the other side of the fireplace. And there was something that Effie said when he had stopped playing and had turned to her, smiling.

It was June, a warm, muggy evening before the lamps were lit; they were sitting together in the living room, Effie in her mother’s chair and he at his piano in the nook on the other side of the fireplace. And there was something Effie said when he stopped playing and turned to her, smiling.

“Wilfrid—are you happy?”

“Wilfrid—are you okay?”

“Of course I’m happy.”

"I'm definitely happy."

“No, but—really?”

“No way—seriously?”

“Really. Absolutely. You make me happy.”

“Seriously. Totally. You make me happy.”

“Do I? I’m so glad. You see, when I married you I was afraid I couldn’t. It was so hard to come after your mother.”

“Do I? I’m so glad. You see, when I married you, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to. It was really tough stepping in after your mother.”

He winced.

He flinched.

“How do you mean? You don’t come ‘after’ her.”

“How do you mean? You don’t go after her.”

“I mean, after all she was to you. After all she did. Your life with her was so perfect.”

“I mean, think about everything she meant to you. Consider all that she did. Your life with her was just so perfect.”

“If it’s any consolation to you, Effie, it wasn’t.”

“If it helps at all, Effie, it really wasn’t.”

“Wasn’t?”

“Was it not?”

“No. Anything but.”

"No. Anything but that."

“Oh, Wilfrid!”

“Oh, Wilfrid!”

He seemed to her to be uttering blasphemy.

He seemed to her to be saying something outrageous.

“It’s better you should know it. My dear mother didn’t understand me in the least. My whole up-bringing was a ghastly blunder. If I’d been let live a decent life, like any other boy, like any other man, I might have been good for something. But she wouldn’t let me. She pretended there was something the matter with me when there wasn’t, so that she could keep me dependent on her.”

“It’s better you know this. My dear mother didn’t understand me at all. My entire upbringing was a complete mistake. If I’d been allowed to live a normal life, like any other boy or man, I might have turned out to be worthwhile. But she wouldn’t allow that. She made it seem like there was something wrong with me when there wasn’t, just so she could keep me dependent on her.”

“Wilfrid dear, it may have been a blunder and it may have been ghastly—”

“Wilfrid dear, it might have been a mistake and it might have been terrible—”

“It was.”

“It’s true.”

“But it was only her love for you.”

“But it was just her love for you.”

“A very selfish sort of love, Effie.”

“A pretty selfish kind of love, Effie.”

“Oh don’t,” she cried. “Don’t. She’s dead, Wilfrid.”

“Oh don’t,” she exclaimed. “Please. She’s dead, Wilfrid.”

“I’m not likely to forget it.”

"I'm not going to forget it."

“You talk as if you’d forgotten— If the dead knew—”

“You speak like you've forgotten— If the dead knew—”

If the dead knew—

If the deceased knew—

“If they knew,” she said, “how we spoke about them, how we thought—”

“If they knew,” she said, “how we talked about them, how we felt—”

If the dead knew—

If the deceased knew—

If his mother had heard him; if she knew what he had been thinking; if she knew that he had wished her dead and that his wish had killed her—

If his mom had heard him; if she knew what he had been thinking; if she knew that he had wished her dead and that his wish had caused her death—

If the dead knew—

If the dead knew—

“Happily for us and them, they don’t know,” he said.

“Happily for us and them, they don’t know,” he said.

And he began playing again. He was aware that Effie had risen and was now seated at the writing-table. As he played he had his back to the writing-table and the door.

And he started playing again. He noticed that Effie had gotten up and was now sitting at the writing table. As he played, he faced away from the writing table and the door.

The book on the piano ledge before him was Mendelssohn’s Lieder ohne Worte open as Effie had left it at Number Nine. He remembered that was the one his mother had loved so much. His fingers fell of their own accord into the prelude, into the melody, pressing out its thick, sweet, deliberate sadness. It wounded him, each note a separate stab, yet he went on, half-voluptuously enjoying the self-inflicted pain, trying to work it up and up into a supreme poignancy of sorrow, of regret.

The book on the piano ledge in front of him was Mendelssohn’s Lieder ohne Worte, left open just as Effie had at Number Nine. He recalled that it was the one his mother had cherished so much. His fingers instinctively moved into the prelude, into the melody, bringing forth its rich, sweet, deliberate sadness. It hurt him, each note a sharp stab, but he kept playing, almost savoring the self-inflicted pain, trying to elevate it into a profound sense of sorrow and regret.

As he stopped on the closing chord he heard somewhere behind him a thick, sobbing sigh.

As he finished the last chord, he heard a deep, sobbing sigh coming from somewhere behind him.

“Effie—”

“Effie—”

He looked round. But Effie was not there. He could hear her footsteps in the room overhead. She had gone, then, before he had stopped playing, shutting the door without a sound. It must have been his imagination.

He looked around. But Effie wasn’t there. He could hear her footsteps in the room above. She had left, then, before he had stopped playing, closing the door silently. It must have been just his imagination.

He played a few bars, then paused, listening. The sighing had begun again; it was close behind him.

He played a few measures, then stopped to listen. The sighing had started again; it was right behind him.

He swung round sharply. There was nobody there. But the door, which had been shut a minute ago, stood wide open. A cold wind blew in, cutting through the hot, stagnant air. He got up and shut the door. The cold wind wrapped him in a belt, a swirl; he stood still in it for a moment, stiff with fear. When he crossed the room to the piano it was as if he moved breast high in deep, cold water.

He turned around quickly. There was no one there. But the door, which had been closed a minute ago, was wide open. A cold wind rushed in, slicing through the hot, stale air. He stood up and shut the door. The cold wind wrapped around him like a belt, swirling; he paused in it for a moment, frozen with fear. As he crossed the room to the piano, it felt like he was wading through deep, cold water up to his chest.

Somewhere in the secret place of his mind a word struggled to form itself, to be born.

Somewhere in the hidden corners of his mind, a word fought to take shape, to come to life.

“Mother.”

"Mom."

It came to him with a sense of appalling, supernatural horror. Horror that was there with him in the room like a presence.

It hit him with a sense of terrifying, supernatural dread. A dread that felt like a presence in the room with him.

“Mother.”

“Mom.”

The word had lost its meaning. It stood for nothing but that horror.

The word had lost its meaning. It represented nothing but that nightmare.

He tried to play again, but his fingers, slippery with sweat, dropped from the keyboard.

He tried to play again, but his fingers, slick with sweat, slipped off the keyboard.

Something compelled him to turn round and look towards his mother’s chair.

Something made him turn around and look at his mother's chair.

Then he saw her.

Then he saw her.

She stood between him and the chair, straight and thin, dressed in the clothes she had died in, the yellowish flannel nightgown and bed jacket.

She stood between him and the chair, tall and slender, wearing the clothes she had died in, the yellowish flannel nightgown and bed jacket.

The apparition maintained itself with difficulty.

The ghost struggled to keep itself together.

The apparition maintained itself with difficulty. Already its hair had grown indistinct, a cap of white mist. Its face was an insubstantial framework for its mouth and eyes, and for the tears that fell in two shining tracks between. It was less a form than a visible emotion, an anguish.

The ghost struggled to stay visible. Its hair had already started to fade, forming a cloud of white mist. Its face was an indistinct outline for its eyes and mouth, with tears streaming down in two shining trails. It was more of a presence than a shape, embodying an emotion—anguish.

Hollyer stood up and stared at it. Through the glasses of its tears it gazed back at him with an intense, a terrible reproach and sorrow.

Hollyer stood up and stared at it. Through its tear-filled eyes, it looked back at him with a deep, painful sense of blame and sadness.

Then, slowly and stiffly, it began to recede from him, drawn back and back, without any movement of its feet, in an unearthly stillness, keeping up, to the last minute, its look of indestructible reproach.

Then, slowly and awkwardly, it started to pull away from him, retreating without moving its feet, in an eerie silence, maintaining its expression of unbreakable accusation until the very end.

And now it was a formless mass that drifted to the window and hung there a second, and passed, shrinking like a breath on the pane.

And now it was a shapeless blob that floated to the window and stayed there for a moment before moving on, disappearing like a breath on the glass.

Hollyer, rigid, pouring out sweat, still stared at the place where it had stood. His heart-beats came together in a running tremor: it was as if all the blood in his body was gathered into his distended heart, dragging it down to meet his heaving belly.

Hollyer, tense and sweating, continued to gaze at the spot where it had been. His heart raced in a trembling rhythm: it felt like all the blood in his body was pooling in his swollen heart, pulling it down toward his struggling stomach.

Then he turned and went headlong towards the door, stumbling and lurching. He threw out his hands to clutch at a support and found himself in Effie’s arms.

Then he turned and rushed toward the door, tripping and swaying. He reached out his hands for support and ended up in Effie’s arms.

“Wilfrid—darling—what is it?”

"Wilfrid—babe—what's wrong?"

“Nothing. I’m giddy. I—I think I’m going to be sick.”

“Nothing. I’m so excited. I—I think I’m going to throw up.”

He broke from her and dragged himself upstairs and shut himself into his study. That night his old single bed was brought back and made up there. He was afraid to sleep in the room that had been his mother’s.

He pulled away from her and made his way upstairs, closing himself in his study. That night, his old single bed was brought back and set up there. He was too anxious to sleep in the room that used to belong to his mother.

V
V

He had run through all the physical sensations of his terror. What he felt now was the sharp, abominable torture of the mind.

He had experienced all the physical feelings of his fear. What he felt now was the intense, horrible torture of his mind.

If the dead knew—

If the dead only knew—

The dead did know. She had come back to tell him that she knew. She knew that he thought of her with unkindness. She had been there when he talked about her to Effie. She knew the thought he had hidden even from himself. She knew that she had died because, secretly, he had wished her dead.

The dead did know. She had come back to tell him that she knew. She knew that he thought of her with unkindness. She had been there when he talked about her to Effie. She knew the thought he had hidden even from himself. She knew that she had died because, secretly, he had wished her dead.

That was the meaning of her look and of her tears.

That was what her expression and her tears meant.

No fleshly eyes could have expressed such an intensity of suffering, of unfathomable grief. He thought: the pain of a discarnate spirit might be infinitely sharper than any earthly pain. It might be inexhaustible. Who was to say that it was not?

No physical eyes could have shown such a deep level of suffering, of unimaginable sorrow. He thought: the pain of a spirit without a body could be much more intense than any pain experienced on earth. It could be endless. Who was to say it wasn’t?

Yet could it—could even an immortal suffering—be sharper than the anguish he felt now? If only he had known what he was doing to her— If he had known. If he had known—

Yet could it—could even an immortal suffering—be sharper than the anguish he felt now? If only he had known what he was doing to her— If he had known. If he had known—

But, he thought, we know nothing, and we care less. We say we believe in immortality, but we do not believe in it. We treat the dead as if they were dead, as if they were not there. If he had really believed that she was there, he would have died rather than say the things he had said to Effie. Nobody, he told himself, could have accused him of unkindness to his mother while she lived. He had really loved her up to the moment, the moment of supreme temptation, when he wanted Effie. He had not willed her to die. He had been barely conscious of his wish. How, then, could he be held accountable? How could he have destroyed the thing whose essence was the hidden, unknown darkness? Yet, if men are accountable at all, he was accountable. There had been a moment when he was conscious of it. He could have destroyed it then. He should have faced it; he should have dragged it out into the light and fought it.

But, he thought, we know nothing, and we care even less. We say we believe in immortality, but we really don’t. We treat the dead as if they’re truly gone, as if they’re not there at all. If he had genuinely believed that she was present, he would have rather died than say the things he said to Effie. No one, he told himself, could have accused him of being unkind to his mother while she was alive. He had really loved her right up until that moment, the moment of ultimate temptation, when he desired Effie. He hadn’t wanted her to die. He had barely been aware of his wish. How, then, could he be held responsible? How could he have destroyed something whose essence was the hidden, unknown darkness? Yet, if people are accountable at all, then he was accountable. There was a moment when he was aware of it. He could have confronted it then. He should have faced it; he should have brought it into the light and fought it.

Instead, he had let it sink back into its darkness, to work there unseen.

Instead, he allowed it to fall back into its darkness, to operate there unnoticed.

And if he had really loved his mother, he would have wished, not willed her to live. He would have wanted her as he wanted her now.

And if he had truly loved his mother, he would have wished for her to live, not forced it. He would have wanted her the way he wants her now.

For, now that it was too late, he did want her. His whole mind had changed. He no longer thought of her with resentment. He thought, with a passionate adoration and regret, of her beauty, her goodness, and her love for him. What if she had kept him with her? It had been, as Effie had said, because she loved him. How did he know that if she had let him go he would have been good for anything? What on earth could he have been but the third-rate organist he was?

For now that it was too late, he really wanted her. His entire perspective had shifted. He no longer viewed her with anger. Instead, he remembered her beauty, her kindness, and her love for him with passionate adoration and regret. What if she had held on to him? As Effie had said, it was because she loved him. How could he know that if she had set him free, he would have amounted to anything? What could he have possibly become but the mediocre organist he was?

He remembered the happiness he had had with her before he had loved Effie; her looks, her words, the thousand things she used to do to please him. The Mendelssohn she had given him. A certain sweet cake she made for him on his birthdays. And the touch of her hands, her kisses.

He remembered the happiness he had with her before he loved Effie; her looks, her words, the countless things she used to do to make him happy. The Mendelssohn she had given him. A special cake she made for him on his birthdays. And the feel of her hands, her kisses.

He thought of these things with an agony of longing. If only he could have her back; if only she would come to him again, that he might show her—

He thought about these things with a deep sense of longing. If only he could have her back; if only she would come to him again, so that he could show her—

He asked himself: How much did Effie know? She must wonder why he had taken that sudden dislike to the drawing-room; why he insisted on sleeping in his study. She had never said anything.

He asked himself: How much did Effie know? She must be wondering why he had suddenly started disliking the drawing-room; why he insisted on sleeping in his study. She had never mentioned it.

A week had passed—they were sitting in the dining-room after supper, when she spoke.

A week had gone by—they were sitting in the dining room after dinner when she spoke.

“Wilfrid, why do you always want to sit here?”

“Wilfrid, why do you always want to sit here?”

“Because I hate the other room.”

“Because I dislike the other room.”

“You didn’t use to. It’s only since that day you were ill, the last time you were playing. Why do you hate it?”

“You didn’t used to. It’s only since that day you were sick, the last time you played. Why do you hate it?”

“Well, if you want to know—you remember the beastly things I said about mother?”

“Well, if you want to know—you remember the awful things I said about mom?”

“You didn’t mean them.”

"You didn't mean that."

“I did mean them— But it wasn’t that. It was something you said.”

"I really meant them—but it wasn’t that. It was something you said."

“I?”

"Me?"

“Yes. You said ‘If the dead knew—’”

“Yes. You said ‘If the dead knew—’”

“Well—?”

“Well—?”

“Well—they do know—I’m certain my mother knew. Certain, as I’m certain I’m sitting here, that she heard.”

“Well—they do know—I’m sure my mom knew. Sure, just like I’m sure I’m sitting here, that she heard.”

“Oh, Wilfrid, what makes you think that?”

“Oh, Wilfrid, why do you think that?”

“I can’t tell you what makes me think it— But—she was there.”

“I can't explain why I believe it— But—she was there.”

“You only think it because you’re feeling sorry. You must get over it. Go back into the room and play.”

“You only think that because you’re feeling sorry for yourself. You need to move past it. Go back into the room and play.”

He shook his head and still sat there thinking. Effie did not speak again; she saw that she must let him think.

He shook his head and continued to sit there lost in thought. Effie didn’t say anything else; she realized she needed to let him think.

Presently he got up and went into the drawing-room, shutting the doors behind him.

Presently, he stood up and walked into the living room, shutting the doors behind him.

The Mendelssohn was still on the piano ledge, open at Number Nine. He began to play it. But at the first bars of the melody he stopped, overwhelmed by an agony of regret. He slid down on his knees, with his arms on the edge of the piano and his head bowed on his arms.

The Mendelssohn was still on the piano shelf, open to Number Nine. He started to play it. But as soon as he hit the first few notes of the melody, he stopped, consumed by a wave of regret. He dropped to his knees, resting his arms on the piano's edge and bowing his head onto his arms.

His soul cried out in him with no sound.

His soul silently cried out within him.

“Mother—Mother—if only I had you back. If only you would come to me. Come—Come—”

“Mom—Mom—if only I could have you back. If only you would come to me. Come—Come—”

And suddenly he felt her come. From far-off, from her place among the blessed, she came rushing, as if on wings. He heard nothing; he saw nothing; but with every nerve he felt the vibration of her approach, of her presence. She was close to him now, closer than hearing or sight or touch could bring her; her self to his self; her inmost essence was there.

And suddenly he sensed her coming. From a distance, from her place among the blessed, she rushed in, as if flying. He heard nothing; he saw nothing; but with every nerve he felt the energy of her approach, of her presence. She was right by him now, closer than sound or sight or touch could bring her; her essence intertwined with his; her deepest self was there.

The phantasm of a week ago was a faint, insignificant thing beside this supreme manifestation. No likeness of flesh and blood could give him such an assurance of reality, of contact.

The illusion from a week ago felt faint and trivial compared to this ultimate reality. No form of flesh and blood could provide him with such certainty of existence, of connection.

For, more certain than any word of flesh and blood, her meaning flashed through him and thrilled.

For, more certain than any spoken word, her meaning shot through him and excited him.

She knew. She knew she had him again; she knew she would never lose him. He was her son. As she had once given him flesh of her flesh, so now, self to innermost self, she gave him her blessedness, her peace.

She knew. She knew she had him again; she knew she would never lose him. He was her son. Just as she had once given him flesh of her flesh, now, soul to deepest soul, she gave him her blessing, her peace.

THE VICTIM

Steven Acroyd, Mr. Greathead’s chauffeur, was sulking in the garage.

Steven Acroyd, Mr. Greathead’s driver, was sulking in the garage.

Everybody was afraid of him. Everybody hated him except Mr. Greathead, his master, and Dorsy, his sweetheart.

Everyone was afraid of him. Everyone hated him except Mr. Greathead, his boss, and Dorsy, his girlfriend.

And even Dorsy now, after yesterday!

And even Dorsy now, after yesterday!

Night had come. On one side the yard gates stood open to the black tunnel of the drive. On the other the high moor rose above the wall, immense, darker than the darkness. Steven’s lantern in the open doorway of the garage and Dorsy’s lamp in the kitchen window threw a blond twilight into the yard between. From where he sat, slantways on the step of the car, he could see, through the lighted window, the table with the lamp and Dorsy’s sewing huddled up in a white heap as she left it just now, when she had jumped up and gone away. Because she was afraid of him.

Night had fallen. On one side, the yard gates were open to the dark tunnel of the drive. On the other, the high moor rose above the wall, immense and darker than the night. Steven’s lantern in the open garage doorway and Dorsy’s lamp in the kitchen window cast a soft twilight into the yard. From where he sat, at an angle on the car step, he could see through the lit window the table with the lamp and Dorsy’s sewing all bunched up in a white pile, just as she had left it when she quickly got up and left. Because she was scared of him.

She had gone straight to Mr. Greathead in his study, and Steven, sulking, had flung himself out into the yard.

She went straight to Mr. Greathead in his study, and Steven, pouting, had stormed out into the yard.

He stared into the window, thinking, thinking. Everybody hated him. He could tell by the damned spiteful way they looked at him in the bar of the “King’s Arms”; kind of sideways and slink-eyed, turning their dirty tails and shuffling out of his way.

He stared out the window, lost in thought. Everyone hated him. He could tell by the way they looked at him in the bar of the “King’s Arms”; kind of sideways and with sneaky eyes, turning their backs and shuffling out of his way.

He had said to Dorsy he’d like to know what he’d done. He’d just dropped in for his glass as usual; he’d looked round and said “Good-evening,” civil, and the dirty tykes took no more notice of him than if he’d been a toad. Mrs. Oldishaw, Dorsy’s aunt, she hated him, boiled-ham-face, swelling with spite, shoving his glass at the end of her arm, without speaking, as if he’d been a bloody cockroach.

He told Dorsy he wanted to know what he had done. He had just stopped by for his usual drink; he looked around and said “Good evening,” polite as always, but the dirty kids ignored him completely, like he was a toad. Mrs. Oldishaw, Dorsy’s aunt, hated him with a passion, her face red with anger, forcefully sliding his drink towards him at the end of her arm, without saying a word, as if he were a damn cockroach.

All because of the thrashing he’d given young Ned Oldishaw. If she didn’t want the cub’s neck broken she’d better keep him out of mischief. Young Ned knew what he’d get if he came meddling with his sweetheart.

All because of the beating he’d given young Ned Oldishaw. If she didn’t want the cub’s neck broken, she’d better keep him out of trouble. Young Ned knew what he’d get if he came messing with his sweetheart.

It had happened yesterday afternoon, Sunday, when he had gone down with Dorsy to the “King’s Arms” to see her aunt. They were sitting out on the wooden bench against the inn wall when young Ned began it. He could see him now with his arm round Dorsy’s neck and his mouth gaping.

It happened yesterday afternoon, on Sunday, when he went down with Dorsy to the “King’s Arms” to see her aunt. They were sitting on the wooden bench against the inn wall when young Ned started it. He can see him now with his arm around Dorsy’s neck and his mouth wide open.

And Dorsy laughing like a silly fool and the old woman snorting and shaking.

And Dorsy is laughing like a silly fool while the old woman is snorting and shaking.

He could hear him. “She’s my cousin if she is your sweetheart. You can’t stop me kissing her.” Couldn’t he!

He could hear him. “She’s my cousin if she is your sweetheart. You can’t stop me from kissing her.” Couldn’t he!

Why, what did they think? When he’d given up his good job at the Darlington Motor Works to come to Eastthwaite and black Mr. Greathead’s boots, chop wood, carry coal and water for him, and drive his shabby secondhand car. Not that he cared what he did so long as he could live in the same house with Dorsy Oldishaw. It wasn’t likely he’d sit like a bloody Moses, looking on, while Ned—

Why, what were they thinking? When he gave up his good job at the Darlington Motor Works to come to Eastthwaite and polish Mr. Greathead’s boots, chop wood, carry coal and water for him, and drive his worn-out used car. Not that he cared what he did as long as he could live in the same house as Dorsy Oldishaw. It wasn’t likely he’d just sit there like some kind of Moses, watching, while Ned—

To be sure, he had half killed him. He could feel Ned’s neck swelling and rising up under the pressure of his hands, his fingers. He had struck him first, flinging him back against the inn wall, then he had pinned him—till the men ran up and dragged him off.

To be sure, he had half killed him. He could feel Ned’s neck swelling and rising up under the pressure of his hands, his fingers. He had struck him first, throwing him back against the inn wall, then he had pinned him—until the men ran up and pulled him off.

And now they were all against him. Dorsy was against him. She had said she was afraid of him.

And now everyone was against him. Dorsy was against him. She had said she was scared of him.

“Steven,” she had said, “tha med ’a killed him.”

“Steven,” she had said, “that would have killed him.”

“Well—p’r’aps next time he’ll knaw better than to coom meddlin’ with my lass.”

“Well—maybe next time he’ll know better than to come meddling with my girl.”

“I’m not thy lass, ef tha canna keep thy hands off folks. I should be feared for my life of thee. Ned wurn’t doing naw ’arm.”

“I’m not your girl if you can’t keep your hands to yourself. I should be scared for my life because of you. Ned wasn’t doing any harm.”

“Ef he doos it again, ef he cooms between thee and me, Dorsy, I shall do ’im in.”

“ If he does it again, if he comes between you and me, Dorsy, I’ll take care of him.”

“Naw, tha maunna talk that road.”

“Nah, you shouldn’t talk that way.”

“It’s Gawd’s truth. Anybody that cooms between thee and me, loove, I shall do ’im in. Ef ’twas thy aunt, I should wring ’er neck, same as I wroong Ned’s.”

“It’s God’s truth. Anyone who comes between you and me, love, I will take care of. If it was your aunt, I would do the same to her as I did to Ned.”

“And ef it was me, Steven?”

“And if it was me, Steven?”

“Ef it wur thee, ef tha left me— Aw, doan’t tha assk me, Dorsy.”

“Even if it were you, even if you left me— Oh, don’t ask me, Dorsy.”

“There—that’s ’ow tha scares me.”

"There—that's how that scares me."

“But tha’ ’astna left me—’tes thy wedding claithes tha’rt making.”

“But you haven't left me—it's your wedding clothes that you're making.”

“Aye, ’tes my wedding claithes.”

"Yeah, it's my wedding clothes."

She had started fingering the white stuff, looking at it with her head on one side, smiling prettily. Then all of a sudden she had flung it down in a heap and burst out crying. When he tried to comfort her she pushed him off and ran out of the room, to Mr. Greathead.

She had begun playing with the white substance, tilting her head and smiling charmingly at it. Then suddenly, she tossed it aside in a heap and started crying. When he attempted to comfort her, she pushed him away and rushed out of the room to find Mr. Greathead.

It must have been half an hour ago and she had not come back yet.

It must have been half an hour ago, and she still hasn't come back.

He got up and went through the yard gates into the dark drive. Turning there, he came to the house front and the lighted window of the study. Hidden behind a clump of yew he looked in.

He got up and walked through the yard gates into the dark driveway. Turning there, he arrived at the front of the house and saw the lighted window of the study. Hidden behind a cluster of yew trees, he peeked inside.

Mr. Greathead had risen from his chair. He was a little old man, shrunk and pinched, with a bowed narrow back and slender neck under his grey hanks of hair.

Mr. Greathead had gotten up from his chair. He was a small old man, hunched and frail, with a bent narrow back and a thin neck under his grey strands of hair.

Dorsy stood before him, facing Steven. The lamplight fell full on her. Her sweet flower-face was flushed. She had been crying.

Dorsy stood in front of him, looking at Steven. The light from the lamp shone directly on her. Her lovely, flower-like face was flushed. She had been crying.

Mr. Greathead spoke.

Mr. Greathead spoke.

“Well, that’s my advice,” he said. “Think it over, Dorsy, before you do anything.”

“Well, that’s my advice,” he said. “Take some time to think it over, Dorsy, before you do anything.”

That night Dorsy packed her boxes, and the next day at noon, when Steven came in for his dinner, she had left the Lodge. She had gone back to her father’s house in Garthdale.

That night, Dorsy packed her boxes, and the next day at noon, when Steven came in for his dinner, she was gone from the Lodge. She had returned to her father's house in Garthdale.

She wrote to Steven saying that she had thought it over and found she daren’t marry him. She was afraid of him. She would be too unhappy.

She wrote to Steven saying that she had thought it over and realized she couldn't marry him. She was afraid of him. She would be too unhappy.

Then all of a sudden she had burst out crying ...

Then all of a sudden, she started crying...

II
II

That was the old man, the old man. He had made her give him up. But for that, Dorsy would never have left him. She would never have thought of it herself. And she would never have got away if he had been there to stop her. It wasn’t Ned. Ned was going to marry Nancy Peacock down at Morfe. Ned hadn’t done any harm.

That was the old guy, the old guy. He had made her let him go. If it weren't for that, Dorsy would never have left him. She would have never even considered it. And she would have never been able to escape if he had been there to stop her. It wasn’t Ned. Ned was going to marry Nancy Peacock down at Morfe. Ned hadn’t done anything wrong.

It was Mr. Greathead who had come between them. He hated Mr. Greathead.

It was Mr. Greathead who had come between them. He hated Mr. Greathead.

His hate became a nausea of physical loathing that never ceased. Indoors he served Mr. Greathead as footman and valet, waiting on him at meals, bringing the hot water for his bath, helping him to dress and undress. So that he could never get away from him. When he came to call him in the morning, Steven’s stomach heaved at the sight of the shrunken body under the bedclothes, the flushed, pinched face with its peaked, finicking nose upturned, the thin silver tuft of hair pricked up above the pillow’s edge. Steven shivered with hate at the sound of the rattling, old-man’s cough, and the “shoob-shoob” of the feet shuffling along the flagged passages.

His hate turned into a physical nausea that never faded. Inside the house, he served Mr. Greathead as a footman and valet, attending to him during meals, bringing hot water for his bath, and helping him dress and undress. This meant he could never escape from him. When he came to call him in the morning, Steven felt his stomach turn at the sight of the frail body under the bedclothes, the flushed, pinched face with its sharp, fidgety nose turned up, and the thin tuft of silver hair sticking out above the pillow's edge. Steven shivered with disgust at the sound of the rattling, old-man cough and the “shoob-shoob” of the shuffling feet along the tiled hallways.

He had once had a feeling of tenderness for Mr. Greathead as the tie that bound him to Dorsy. He even brushed his coat and hat tenderly, as if he loved them. Once Mr. Greathead’s small, close smile—the greyish bud of the lower lip pushed out, the upper lip lifted at the corners—and his kind, thin “Thank you, my lad,” had made Steven smile back, glad to serve Dorsy’s master. And Mr. Greathead would smile again and say, “It does me good to see your bright face, Steven.” Now Steven’s face writhed in a tight contortion to meet Mr. Greathead’s kindliness, while his throat ran dry and his heart shook with hate.

He used to feel a sense of fondness for Mr. Greathead as the connection that linked him to Dorsy. He even took care to brush off his coat and hat gently, as if he had affection for them. There was a time when Mr. Greathead’s small, close smile—the grayish bud of his lower lip protruding, the upper lip curling up at the corners—and his gentle, thin “Thank you, my lad,” had made Steven smile back, happy to serve Dorsy’s master. And Mr. Greathead would smile again and say, “It makes me happy to see your bright face, Steven.” Now, Steven’s face twisted into a strained expression to match Mr. Greathead’s kindness, while his throat went dry and his heart trembled with hatred.

At meal-times from his place by the sideboard he would look on at Mr. Greathead eating, in a long contemplative disgust. He could have snatched the plate away from under the slow, fumbling hands that hovered and hesitated. He would catch words coming into his mind: “He ought to be dead. He ought to be dead.” To think that this thing that ought to be dead, this old, shrivelled skin-bag of creaking bones should come between him and Dorsy, should have power to drive Dorsy from him.

At mealtime, from his spot by the sideboard, he would watch Mr. Greathead eat with a long, thoughtful disgust. He could have snatched the plate away from the slow, clumsy hands that hovered and hesitated. The words would come to his mind: “He ought to be dead. He ought to be dead.” To think that this thing that should be dead, this old, wrinkled skin-bag of creaking bones, could come between him and Dorsy, could actually drive Dorsy away from him.

One day when he was brushing Mr. Greathead’s soft felt hat a paroxysm of hatred gripped him. He hated Mr. Greathead’s hat. He took a stick and struck at it again and again; he threw it on the flags and stamped on it, clenching his teeth and drawing in his breath with a sharp hiss. He picked up the hat, looking round furtively, for fear lest Mr. Greathead or Dorsy’s successor, Mrs. Blenkiron, should have seen him. He pinched and pulled it back into shape and brushed it carefully and hung it on the stand. He was ashamed, not of his violence, but of its futility.

One day, while he was brushing Mr. Greathead’s soft felt hat, an overwhelming wave of hatred hit him. He couldn’t stand Mr. Greathead’s hat. He grabbed a stick and hit it again and again; he tossed it on the ground and stomped on it, gritting his teeth and breathing in sharply. He picked up the hat, glancing around nervously, worried that Mr. Greathead or Dorsy’s replacement, Mrs. Blenkiron, might have seen him. He pinched and pulled it back into shape, brushed it carefully, and hung it on the stand. He felt ashamed, not of his outburst, but of how pointless it had been.

Nobody but a damned fool, he said to himself, would have done that. He must have been mad.

Nobody but a complete idiot, he thought to himself, would have done that. He must have gone crazy.

It wasn’t as if he didn’t know what he was going to do. He had known ever since the day when Dorsy left him.

It wasn’t like he didn’t know what he was going to do. He had known ever since the day Dorsy left him.

“I shan’t be myself again till I’ve done him in,” he thought.

“I won't be myself again until I've taken him out,” he thought.

He was only waiting till he had planned it out; till he was sure of every detail; till he was fit and cool. There must be no hesitation, no uncertainty at the last minute, above all, no blind, headlong violence. Nobody but a fool would kill in mad rage, and forget things, and be caught and swing for it. Yet that was what they all did. There was always something they hadn’t thought of that gave them away.

He was just waiting until he had worked it all out; until he was confident about every detail; until he felt composed and in control. There could be no hesitation, no uncertainty at the last moment, and definitely no reckless, impulsive violence. Only a fool would act in a blind rage, overlook important details, and get caught as a result. But that’s exactly what everyone else did. There was always something they hadn’t considered that revealed their plans.

Steven had thought of everything, even the date, even the weather.

Steven had considered everything, including the date and the weather.

Mr. Greathead was in the habit of going up to London to attend the debates of a learned Society he belonged to that held its meetings in May and November. He always travelled up by the five o’clock train, so that he might go to bed and rest as soon as he arrived. He always stayed for a week and gave his housekeeper a week’s holiday. Steven chose a dark, threatening day in November, when Mr. Greathead was going up to his meeting and Mrs. Blenkiron had left Eastthwaite for Morfe by the early morning bus. So that there was nobody in the house but Mr. Greathead and Steven.

Mr. Greathead usually went to London to attend the meetings of a learned society he was part of, which took place in May and November. He always took the five o'clock train so he could go to bed and rest as soon as he arrived. He typically stayed for a week and gave his housekeeper a week off. Steven chose a dark, gloomy day in November when Mr. Greathead was heading to his meeting, and Mrs. Blenkiron had left Eastthwaite for Morfe on the early morning bus. So, the only people in the house were Mr. Greathead and Steven.

Eastthwaite Lodge stands alone, grey, hidden between the shoulder of the moor and the ash-trees of its drive. It is approached by a bridle-path across the moor, a turning off the road that runs from Eastthwaite in Rathdale to Shawe in Westleydale, about a mile from the village and a mile from Hardraw Pass. No tradesmen visited it. Mr. Greathead’s letters and his newspaper were shot into a post-box that hung on the ash-tree at the turn.

Eastthwaite Lodge stands alone, grey, tucked away between the moor's hillside and the ash trees along its driveway. You can get there via a bridle path across the moor, which branches off from the road that goes from Eastthwaite in Rathdale to Shawe in Westleydale, about a mile from the village and a mile from Hardraw Pass. No tradespeople came by. Mr. Greathead’s letters and newspaper were dropped into a post box that was hung on the ash tree at the turn.

The hot water laid on in the house was not hot enough for Mr. Greathead’s bath, so that every morning, while Mr. Greathead shaved, Steven came to him with a can of boiling water.

The hot water in the house wasn’t hot enough for Mr. Greathead’s bath, so every morning, while Mr. Greathead shaved, Steven brought him a can of boiling water.

Mr. Greathead, dressed in a mauve and grey striped sleeping-suit, stood shaving himself before the looking-glass that hung on the wall beside the great white bath. Steven waited with his hand on the cold tap, watching the bright curved rod of water falling with a thud and a splash.

Mr. Greathead, wearing a mauve and gray striped pajamas, stood shaving in front of the mirror that was mounted on the wall next to the big white bathtub. Steven waited with his hand on the cold faucet, watching the clear, curved stream of water falling with a thud and a splash.

In the white, stagnant light from the muffed window-pane the knife-blade flame of a small oil-stove flickered queerly. The oil sputtered and stank.

In the bright, still light coming through the covered window, the sharp flame of a small oil stove flickered oddly. The oil made a sputtering noise and smelled bad.

Suddenly the wind hissed in the water-pipes and cut off the glittering rod. To Steven it seemed the suspension of all movement. He would have to wait there till the water flowed again before he could begin. He tried not to look at Mr. Greathead and the lean wattles of his lifted throat. He fixed his eyes on the long crack in the soiled green distemper of the wall. His nerves were on edge with waiting for the water to flow again. The fumes of the oil-stove worked on them like a rank intoxicant. The soiled green wall gave him a sensation of physical sickness.

Suddenly, the wind hissed through the water pipes and stopped the sparkling flow. To Steven, it felt like everything had come to a standstill. He would have to wait until the water started flowing again before he could begin. He tried not to look at Mr. Greathead and the thin creases of his lifted throat. He focused his gaze on the long crack in the dirty green paint of the wall. His nerves were on edge as he waited for the water to start flowing again. The fumes from the oil stove affected his nerves like a strong drug. The dirty green wall made him feel physically ill.

He picked up a towel and hung it over the back of a chair. Thus he caught sight of his own face in the glass above Mr. Greathead’s; it was livid against the soiled green wall. Steven stepped aside to avoid it.

He grabbed a towel and draped it over the back of a chair. That's when he noticed his own face in the glass above Mr. Greathead’s; it looked pale against the dirty green wall. Steven stepped aside to avoid looking at it.

“Don’t you feel well, Steven?”

“Are you feeling okay, Steven?”

“No, sir.” Steven picked up a small sponge and looked at it.

“No, sir.” Steven picked up a small sponge and examined it.

Mr. Greathead had laid down his razor and was wiping the lather from his chin. At that instant, with a gurgling, spluttering haste, the water leaped from the tap.

Mr. Greathead had set down his razor and was wiping the shaving foam off his chin. At that moment, with a gurgling, spluttering rush, the water shot out of the faucet.

It was then that Steven made his sudden, quiet rush. He first gagged Mr. Greathead with the sponge, then pushed him back and back against the wall and pinned him there with both hands round his neck, as he had pinned Ned Oldishaw. He pressed in on Mr. Greathead’s throat, strangling him.

It was then that Steven made his sudden, quiet move. He first gagged Mr. Greathead with the sponge, then pushed him back against the wall and pinned him there with both hands around his neck, just like he had with Ned Oldishaw. He pressed in on Mr. Greathead’s throat, strangling him.

Mr. Greathead’s hands flapped in the air, trying feebly to beat Steven off; then his arms, pushed back by the heave and thrust of Steven’s shoulders, dropped. Then Mr. Greathead’s body sank, sliding along the wall, and fell to the floor, Steven still keeping his hold, mounting it, gripping it with his knees. His fingers tightened, pressing back the blood. Mr. Greathead’s face swelled up; it changed horribly. There was a groaning and rattling sound in his throat. Steven pressed in till it had ceased.

Mr. Greathead’s hands waved in the air, trying weakly to push Steven away; then his arms, overwhelmed by Steven’s forceful movements, dropped down. Mr. Greathead’s body then slid down the wall and collapsed onto the floor, with Steven still holding on, positioning himself on top and gripping with his knees. His fingers tightened, cutting off the blood flow. Mr. Greathead’s face puffed up; it transformed grotesquely. There was a groaning and rattling noise in his throat. Steven pressed harder until the sounds stopped.

Then he stripped himself to the waist. He stripped Mr. Greathead of his sleeping-suit and hung his naked body face downwards in the bath. He took the razor and cut the great arteries and veins in the neck. He pulled up the plug of the waste-pipe, and left the body to drain in the running water.

Then he took off his shirt. He removed Mr. Greathead's pajamas and positioned his bare body face down in the bathtub. He grabbed the razor and cut the major arteries and veins in the neck. He pulled the plug from the drain and let the body drain in the flowing water.

He left it all day and all night.

He left it all day and all night.

He had noticed that murderers swung just for want of attention to little things like that; messing up themselves and the whole place with blood; always forgetting something essential. He had no time to think of horrors. From the moment he had murdered Mr. Greathead his own neck was in danger; he was simply using all his brain and nerve to save his neck. He worked with the stern, cool hardness of a man going through with an unpleasant, necessary job. He had thought of everything.

He had noticed that murderers often act out for a lack of attention to details like that; making a mess of themselves and everything around them with blood; always forgetting something crucial. He didn’t have time to dwell on horrors. From the moment he killed Mr. Greathead, his own life was at risk; he was devoted to using all his mental and physical strength to stay safe. He worked with the grim, composed determination of someone dealing with a tough, necessary task. He had considered everything.

He had even thought of the dairy.

He had even thought about the dairy.

Steven waited with his hand on the tap ...

Steven waited with his hand on the faucet...

It was built on to the back of the house under the shelter of the high moor. You entered it through the scullery, which cut it off from the yard. The window-panes had been removed and replaced by sheets of perforated zinc. A large corrugated glass sky-light lit it from the roof. Impossible either to see in or to approach it from the outside. It was fitted up with a long, black slate shelf, placed, for the convenience of butter-makers, at the height of an ordinary work-bench. Steven had his tools, a razor, a carving-knife, a chopper and a meat-saw, laid there ready, beside a great pile of cotton waste.

It was built onto the back of the house under the protection of the high moor. You entered it through the scullery, which separated it from the yard. The windowpanes had been taken out and replaced with sheets of perforated zinc. A large skylight made of corrugated glass illuminated the space from the roof. It was impossible to see inside or get close to it from the outside. It was equipped with a long, black slate shelf, positioned at the height of a regular workbench for the convenience of butter-makers. Steven had his tools—a razor, a carving knife, a chopper, and a meat saw—ready on the shelf, next to a big pile of cotton waste.

Early the next day he took Mr. Greathead’s body out of the bath, wrapped a thick towel round the neck and head, carried it down to the dairy and stretched it out on the slab. And there he cut it up into seventeen pieces.

Early the next day, he took Mr. Greathead’s body out of the bath, wrapped a thick towel around the neck and head, carried it down to the dairy, and laid it out on the slab. Then he cut it up into seventeen pieces.

These he wrapped in several layers of newspaper, covering the face and the hands first, because, at the last moment, they frightened him. He sewed them up in two sacks and hid them in the cellar.

These he wrapped in several layers of newspaper, covering the face and the hands first, because, at the last moment, they frightened him. He sewed them up in two sacks and hid them in the cellar.

He burnt the towel and the cotton waste in the kitchen fire; he cleaned his tools thoroughly and put them back in their places; and he washed down the marble slab. There wasn’t a spot on the floor except for one flagstone where the pink rinsing of the slab had splashed over. He scrubbed it for half an hour, still seeing the rusty edges of the splash long after he had scoured it out.

He burned the towel and the cotton waste in the kitchen fire; he cleaned his tools thoroughly and put them back in their places; and he wiped down the marble countertop. There wasn’t a single spot on the floor except for one flagstone where the pink rinse from the slab had splattered. He scrubbed it for half an hour, still seeing the rusty edges of the splash long after he had cleaned it out.

He then washed and dressed himself with care.

He then washed up and got dressed with care.

As it was war-time Steven could only work by day, for a light in the dairy roof would have attracted the attention of the police. He had murdered Mr. Greathead on a Tuesday; it was now three o’clock on Thursday afternoon. Exactly at ten minutes past four he had brought out the car, shut in close with its black hood and side curtains. He had packed Mr. Greathead’s suit-case and placed it in the car with his umbrella, railway rug, and travelling cap. Also, in a bundle, the clothes that his victim would have gone to London in.

As it was wartime, Steven could only work during the day because a light showing in the dairy roof would have drawn the attention of the police. He had killed Mr. Greathead on a Tuesday; it was now three o'clock on Thursday afternoon. Exactly at ten minutes past four, he brought out the car, tightly closed with its black hood and side curtains. He packed Mr. Greathead's suitcase and put it in the car along with his umbrella, railway rug, and traveling cap. Also, in a bundle, were the clothes that his victim would have taken to London.

He stowed the body in the two sacks beside him on the front.

He packed the body into the two bags next to him in the front.

By Hardraw Pass, half-way between Eastthwaite and Shawe, there are three round pits, known as the Churns, hollowed out of the grey rock and said to be bottomless. Steven had thrown stones, big as a man’s chest, down the largest pit, to see whether they would be caught on any ledge or boulder. They had dropped clean, without a sound.

By Hardraw Pass, halfway between Eastthwaite and Shawe, there are three round pits called the Churns, carved out of the grey rock and said to be bottomless. Steven had thrown stones, as big as a man's chest, into the largest pit to see if they would land on any ledge or boulder. They had fallen straight down, without making a sound.

It poured with rain, the rain that Steven had reckoned on. The Pass was dark under the clouds and deserted. Steven turned his car so that the headlights glared on the pit’s mouth. Then he ripped open the sacks and threw down, one by one, the seventeen pieces of Mr. Greathead’s body, and the sacks after them, and the clothes.

It was pouring rain, just as Steven had expected. The Pass was dark under the clouds and empty. Steven turned his car so the headlights shone on the opening of the pit. Then he ripped open the bags and threw down, one by one, the seventeen pieces of Mr. Greathead’s body, along with the bags and the clothes.

It was not enough to dispose of Mr. Greathead’s dead body; he had to behave as though Mr. Greathead were alive. Mr. Greathead had disappeared and he had to account for his disappearance. He drove on to Shawe station to the five o’clock train, taking care to arrive close on its starting. A troop-train was due to depart a minute earlier. Steven, who had reckoned on the darkness and the rain, reckoned also on the hurry and confusion on the platform.

It wasn't enough to get rid of Mr. Greathead’s dead body; he had to act as if Mr. Greathead were still alive. Mr. Greathead had gone missing, and he needed to explain his disappearance. He drove to Shawe station for the five o’clock train, making sure to arrive just before it departed. A troop train was scheduled to leave a minute earlier. Steven, who had counted on the darkness and the rain, also anticipated the rush and chaos on the platform.

As he had foreseen, there were no porters in the station entry; nobody to notice whether Mr. Greathead was or was not in the car. He carried his things through on to the platform and gave the suit-case to an old man to label. He dashed into the booking-office and took Mr. Greathead’s ticket, and then rushed along the platform as if he were following his master. He heard himself shouting to the guard, “Have you seen Mr. Greathead?” And the guard’s answer, “Naw!” And his own inspired statement, “He must have taken his seat in the front, then.” He ran to the front of the train, shouldering his way among the troops. The drawn blinds of the carriages favoured him.

As he had predicted, there were no porters at the station entrance; no one to notice whether Mr. Greathead was in the car or not. He carried his bags onto the platform and gave the suitcase to an old man to tag. He rushed into the ticket office and grabbed Mr. Greathead's ticket, then hurried down the platform as if he were following his boss. He heard himself shouting to the conductor, “Have you seen Mr. Greathead?” And the conductor's reply, “No!” And his own quick response, “He must have taken his seat in the front, then.” He ran to the front of the train, pushing his way through the crowd. The closed blinds of the carriages helped conceal him.

Steven thrust the umbrella, the rug, and the travelling cap into an empty compartment, and slammed the door to. He tried to shout something through the open window; but his tongue was harsh and dry against the roof of his mouth, and no sound came. He stood, blocking the window, till the guard whistled. When the train moved he ran alongside with his hand on the window ledge, as though he were taking the last instructions of his master. A porter pulled him back.

Steven shoved the umbrella, the rug, and the travel cap into an empty compartment and slammed the door shut. He tried to shout something through the open window, but his tongue felt rough and dry against the roof of his mouth, and no sound came out. He stood there, blocking the window, until the guard whistled. When the train started moving, he ran alongside it with his hand on the window ledge, as if he were receiving final instructions from his master. A porter pulled him back.

“Quick work, that,” said Steven.

“That was quick,” said Steven.

Before he left the station he wired to Mr. Greathead’s London hotel, announcing the time of his arrival.

Before he left the station, he texted Mr. Greathead’s London hotel to let them know what time he would arrive.

He felt nothing, nothing but the intense relief of a man who has saved himself by his own wits from a most horrible death. There were even moments, in the week that followed, when, so powerful was the illusion of his innocence, he could have believed that he had really seen Mr. Greathead off by the five o’clock train. Moments when he literally stood still in amazement before his own incredible impunity. Other moments when a sort of vanity uplifted him. He had committed a murder that for sheer audacity and cool brain work surpassed all murders celebrated in the history of crime. Unfortunately the very perfection of his achievement doomed it to oblivion. He had left not a trace.

He felt nothing, just the intense relief of someone who has saved themselves from a terrible death using their own cleverness. There were even times during the following week, when the illusion of his innocence was so strong, that he could have believed he had actually seen Mr. Greathead off on the five o’clock train. There were moments when he stood still in shock at his own unbelievable freedom from punishment. At other times, a sense of pride lifted his spirits. He had committed a murder that, for sheer boldness and cool thinking, surpassed all the murders famous in criminal history. Unfortunately, the very perfection of his act guaranteed it would be forgotten. He had left no trace.

Not a trace.

No trace left.

Only when he woke in the night a doubt sickened him. There was the rusted ring of that splash on the dairy floor. He wondered, had he really washed it out clean. And he would get up and light a candle and go down to the dairy to make sure. He knew the exact place; bending over it with the candle, he could imagine that he still saw a faint outline.

Only when he woke up in the night did a doubt gnaw at him. There was the rusted ring of that splash on the dairy floor. He wondered if he had really cleaned it out properly. He would get up, light a candle, and go down to the dairy to check. He knew exactly where it was; leaning over it with the candle, he could almost see a faint outline.

Daylight reassured him. He knew the exact place, but nobody else knew. There was nothing to distinguish it from the natural stains in the flagstone. Nobody would guess. But he was glad when Mrs. Blenkiron came back again.

Daylight comforted him. He knew the exact spot, but no one else did. It looked just like the natural blemishes in the flagstone. No one would suspect. But he felt relieved when Mrs. Blenkiron returned again.

On the day that Mr. Greathead was to have come home by the four o’clock train Steven drove into Shawe and bought a chicken for the master’s dinner. He met the four o’clock train and expressed surprise that Mr. Greathead had not come by it. He said he would be sure to come by the seven. He ordered dinner for eight; Mrs. Blenkiron roasted the chicken, and Steven met the seven o’clock train. This time he showed uneasiness.

On the day Mr. Greathead was supposed to come home on the four o’clock train, Steven drove into Shawe and bought a chicken for dinner. He met the four o’clock train and was surprised that Mr. Greathead hadn’t arrived. He mentioned that he would definitely come on the seven. He ordered dinner for eight; Mrs. Blenkiron roasted the chicken, and Steven met the seven o’clock train. This time, he felt uneasy.

The next day he met all the trains and wired to Mr. Greathead’s hotel for information. When the manager wired back that Mr. Greathead had not arrived, he wrote to his relatives and gave notice to the police.

The next day, he checked all the trains and sent a message to Mr. Greathead’s hotel for updates. When the manager replied that Mr. Greathead hadn’t arrived, he wrote to his family and informed the police.

Three weeks passed. The police and Mr. Greathead’s relatives accepted Steven’s statements, backed as they were by the evidence of the booking office clerk, the telegraph clerk, the guard, the porter who had labelled Mr. Greathead’s luggage and the hotel manager who had received his telegram. Mr. Greathead’s portrait was published in the illustrated papers with requests for any information which might lead to his discovery. Nothing happened, and presently he and his disappearance were forgotten. The nephew who came down to Eastthwaite to look into his affairs was satisfied. His balance at his bank was low owing to the non-payment of various dividends, but the accounts and the contents of Mr. Greathead’s cash-box and bureau were in order and Steven had put down every penny he had spent. The nephew paid Mrs. Blenkiron’s wages and dismissed her and arranged with the chauffeur to stay on and take care of the house. And as Steven saw that this was the best way to escape suspicion, he stayed on.

Three weeks passed. The police and Mr. Greathead’s relatives accepted Steven’s statements, which were supported by the evidence from the booking office clerk, the telegraph clerk, the guard, the porter who labeled Mr. Greathead’s luggage, and the hotel manager who received his telegram. Mr. Greathead’s picture was published in the magazines with requests for any information that might help find him. Nothing happened, and soon he and his disappearance were forgotten. The nephew who came to Eastthwaite to sort out his affairs was satisfied. His bank balance was low due to unpaid dividends, but the accounts and the contents of Mr. Greathead’s cash box and desk were in order, and Steven had recorded every penny he spent. The nephew paid Mrs. Blenkiron her wages, let her go, and made arrangements with the chauffeur to stay and take care of the house. And since Steven saw that this was the best way to avoid suspicion, he decided to stay.

Only in Westleydale and Rathdale excitement lingered. People wondered and speculated. Mr. Greathead had been robbed and murdered in the train (Steven said he had had money on him). He had lost his memory and wandered goodness knew where. He had thrown himself out of the railway carriage. Steven said Mr. Greathead wouldn’t do that, but he shouldn’t be surprised if he had lost his memory. He knew a man who forgot who he was and where he lived. Didn’t know his own wife and children. Shell-shock. And lately Mr. Greathead’s memory hadn’t been what it was. Soon as he got it back he’d turn up again. Steven wouldn’t be surprised to see him walking in any day.

Only in Westleydale and Rathdale was there still excitement. People were curious and speculating. Mr. Greathead had been robbed and killed on the train (Steven said he had money with him). He had lost his memory and wandered off who knows where. He had jumped out of the train carriage. Steven said Mr. Greathead wouldn’t do that, but he wouldn’t be shocked if he had lost his memory. He knew a guy who forgot who he was and where he lived. Didn’t recognize his own wife and kids. Shell shock. And lately, Mr. Greathead’s memory hadn’t been great. As soon as he got it back, he’d show up again. Steven wouldn’t be surprised to see him walking in any day.

But on the whole people noticed that he didn’t care to talk much about Mr. Greathead. They thought this showed very proper feeling. They were sorry for Steven. He had lost his master and he had lost Dorsy Oldishaw. And if he did half kill Ned Oldishaw, well, young Ned had no business to go meddling with his sweetheart. Even Mrs. Oldishaw was sorry for him. And when Steven came into the bar of the King’s Arms everybody said “Good-evening, Steve,” and made room for him by the fire.

But overall, people noticed that he didn’t like to talk much about Mr. Greathead. They thought this showed proper feelings. They felt sorry for Steven. He had lost his master and Dorsy Oldishaw. And if he did nearly kill Ned Oldishaw, well, young Ned had no right to interfere with his girlfriend. Even Mrs. Oldishaw felt sorry for him. When Steven walked into the bar of the King’s Arms, everyone said, “Good evening, Steve,” and they made space for him by the fire.

III
III

Steven came and went now as if nothing had happened. He made a point of keeping the house as it would be kept if Mr. Greathead were alive. Mrs. Blenkiron, coming in once a fortnight to wash and clean, found the fire lit in Mr. Greathead’s study and his slippers standing on end in the fender. Upstairs his bed was made, the clothes folded back, ready. This ritual guarded Steven not only from the suspicions of outsiders, but from his own knowledge. By behaving as though he believed that Mr. Greathead was still living he almost made himself believe it. By refusing to let his mind dwell on the murder he came to forget it. His imagination saved him, playing the play that kept him sane, till the murder became vague to him and fantastic like a thing done in a dream. He had waked up and this was the reality; this round of caretaking, this look the house had of waiting for Mr. Greathead to come back to it. He had left off getting up in the night to examine the place on the dairy floor. He was no longer amazed at his impunity.

Steven came and went as if nothing had happened. He made sure to keep the house just the way it would be if Mr. Greathead were still alive. Mrs. Blenkiron, coming in every other week to clean and wash, found the fire lit in Mr. Greathead’s study and his slippers neatly placed by the fender. Upstairs, his bed was made, and the clothes were folded back, ready. This routine protected Steven not only from the suspicions of outsiders but also from his own awareness. By acting as if he believed Mr. Greathead was still living, he almost convinced himself of it. By refusing to let his mind dwell on the murder, he began to forget it. His imagination saved him, playing out a scenario that kept him sane until the murder became a blurry, almost fantastic memory, like something that happened in a dream. He had woken up, and this was the reality: this ongoing caretaking, this sense the house had of waiting for Mr. Greathead to return. He had stopped getting up at night to check the spot on the dairy floor. He was no longer surprised by his ability to evade consequences.

Then suddenly, when he really had forgotten, it ended. It was on a Saturday in January, about five o’clock. Steven had heard that Dorsy Oldishaw was back again, living at the “King’s Arms” with her aunt. He had a mad, uncontrollable longing to see her again.

Then suddenly, when he had truly forgotten, it all came to an end. It was a Saturday in January, around five o’clock. Steven had heard that Dorsy Oldishaw was back, staying at the “King’s Arms” with her aunt. He felt a wild, uncontrollable urge to see her again.

But it was not Dorsy that he saw.

But it wasn't Dorsy that he saw.

His way from the Lodge kitchen into the drive was through the yard gates and along the flagged path under the study window. When he turned on to the flags he saw it shuffling along before him. The lamplight from the window lit it up. He could see distinctly the little old man in the long, shabby black overcoat, with the grey woollen muffler round his neck hunched up above his collar, lifting the thin grey hair that stuck out under the slouch of the black hat.

His route from the Lodge kitchen to the driveway was through the yard gates and along the paved path beneath the study window. As he stepped onto the pavement, he noticed it shuffling ahead of him. The light from the window illuminated the scene. He could clearly see the elderly man in the long, worn black overcoat, with a gray wool scarf wrapped around his neck, pulled up above his collar, lifting the thin gray hair that peeked out from beneath the slouchy black hat.

In the first moment that he saw it Steven had no fear. He simply felt that the murder had not happened, that he really had dreamed it, and that this was Mr. Greathead come back, alive among the living. The phantasm was now standing at the door of the house, its hand on the door-knob as if about to enter.

In the first moment that he saw it, Steven felt no fear. He genuinely believed that the murder hadn’t happened, that he had really dreamed it, and that this was Mr. Greathead come back, alive among the living. The apparition was now standing at the door of the house, its hand on the doorknob as if about to come in.

But when Steven came up to the door it was not there.

But when Steven got to the door, it wasn't there.

He stood, fixed, staring at the space which had emptied itself so horribly. His heart heaved and staggered, snatching at his breath. And suddenly the memory of the murder rushed at him. He saw himself in the bathroom, shut in with his victim by the soiled green walls. He smelt the reek of the oil-stove; he heard the water running from the tap. He felt his feet springing forward, and his fingers pressing, tighter and tighter, on Mr. Greathead’s throat. He saw Mr. Greathead’s hands flapping helplessly, his terrified eyes, his face swelling and discoloured, changing horribly, and his body sinking to the floor.

He stood there, frozen, staring at the space that had emptied itself so dreadfully. His heart raced and struggled, gasping for air. And suddenly, the memory of the murder hit him like a wave. He saw himself in the bathroom, trapped with his victim among the grimy green walls. He could smell the stench of the oil stove; he heard the water running from the faucet. He felt his feet moving forward, and his fingers tightening, tighter and tighter, around Mr. Greathead’s throat. He saw Mr. Greathead’s hands flailing helplessly, his terrified eyes, his face swelling and turning an awful shade, changing grotesquely, and his body collapsing to the floor.

He saw himself in the dairy, afterwards; he could hear the thudding, grinding, scraping noises of his tools. He saw himself on Hardraw Pass and the headlights glaring on the pit’s mouth. And the fear and the horror he had not felt then came on him now.

He saw himself in the dairy later; he could hear the thudding, grinding, scraping sounds of his tools. He saw himself on Hardraw Pass with the headlights shining on the pit’s entrance. And the fear and horror he hadn’t felt back then hit him now.

He turned back; he bolted the yard gates and all the doors of the house, and shut himself up in the lighted kitchen. He took up his magazine, The Autocar, and forced himself to read it. Presently his terror left him. He said to himself it was nothing. Nothing but his fancy. He didn’t suppose he’d ever see anything again.

He turned around, locked the yard gates and all the doors of the house, and shut himself in the lit kitchen. He picked up his magazine, The Autocar, and made himself read it. Eventually, his fear faded away. He told himself it was nothing. Just his imagination. He didn’t think he’d ever see anything again.

Three days passed. On the third evening, Steven had lit the study lamp and was bolting the window when he saw it again.

Three days went by. On the third evening, Steven had turned on the study lamp and was locking the window when he saw it again.

It stood on the path outside, close against the window, looking in. He saw its face distinctly, the greyish, stuck-out bud of the under-lip, and the droop of the pinched nose. The small eyes peered at him, glittering. The whole figure had a glassy look between the darkness behind it and the pane. One moment it stood outside, looking in; and the next it was mixed up with the shimmering picture of the lighted room that hung there on the blackness of the trees. Mr. Greathead then showed as if reflected, standing with Steven in the room.

It stood by the path outside, right up against the window, looking in. He could clearly see its face—the greyish, protruding bud of its lower lip, and the droop of its thin nose. Its small eyes were peering at him, glimmering. The whole figure had a glassy appearance between the darkness behind it and the window pane. One moment it was outside, looking in; the next, it blended with the shimmering image of the lit room that hovered over the blackness of the trees. Mr. Greathead then appeared as if he were reflected, standing with Steven in the room.

It stood close against the window, looking in.

It was right up against the window, peering in.

And now he was outside again, looking at him, looking at him through the pane.

And now he was outside again, watching him, watching him through the glass.

Steven’s stomach sank and dragged, making him feel sick. He pulled down the blind between him and Mr. Greathead, clamped the shutters to and drew the curtains over them. He locked and double-bolted the front door, all the doors, to keep Mr. Greathead out. But, once that night, as he lay in bed, he heard the “shoob-shoob” of feet shuffling along the flagged passages, up the stairs, and across the landing outside his door. The door handle rattled; but nothing came. He lay awake till morning, the sweat running off his skin, his heart plunging and quivering with terror.

Steven’s stomach dropped, making him feel nauseous. He pulled down the blind between himself and Mr. Greathead, secured the shutters, and drew the curtains over them. He locked and double-bolted the front door, along with all the other doors, to keep Mr. Greathead out. But one night, as he lay in bed, he heard the “shoob-shoob” of footsteps shuffling along the tiled hallways, up the stairs, and across the landing outside his door. The door handle rattled, but nothing came. He lay awake until morning, sweat pouring off his skin, his heart racing and trembling with fear.

When he got up he saw a white, scared face in the looking-glass. A face with a half-open mouth, ready to blab, to blurt out his secret; the face of an idiot. He was afraid to take that face into Eastthwaite or into Shawe. So he shut himself up in the house, half starved on his small stock of bread, bacon and groceries.

When he got up, he saw a pale, frightened face in the mirror. A face with a slightly open mouth, about to spill his secret; the face of a fool. He was scared to take that face into Eastthwaite or Shawe. So he locked himself inside the house, barely surviving on his small supply of bread, bacon, and groceries.

Two weeks passed; and then it came again in broad daylight.

Two weeks went by, and then it happened again in broad daylight.

It was Mrs. Blenkiron’s morning. He had lit the fire in the study at noon and set up Mr. Greathead’s slippers in the fender. When he rose from his stooping and turned round he saw Mr. Greathead’s phantasm standing on the hearthrug close in front of him. It was looking at him and smiling in a sort of mockery, as if amused at what Steven had been doing. It was solid and completely lifelike at first. Then, as Steven in his terror backed and backed away from it (he was afraid to turn and feel it there behind him), its feet became insubstantial. As if undermined, the whole structure sank and fell together on the floor, where it made a pool of some whitish glistening substance that mixed with the pattern of the carpet and sank through.

It was Mrs. Blenkiron’s morning. He had lit the fire in the study at noon and set up Mr. Greathead’s slippers by the fireplace. When he straightened up and turned around, he saw Mr. Greathead’s ghost standing on the hearthrug right in front of him. It was looking at him and smiling in a sort of mocking way, as if it found amusement in what Steven had been doing. At first, it seemed solid and completely lifelike. Then, as Steven in his fear backed away from it (he was too scared to turn and feel it behind him), its feet became insubstantial. As if it were collapsing, the whole figure sank and fell apart on the floor, creating a pool of some whitish, glistening substance that mixed with the carpet's pattern and disappeared through it.

That was the most horrible thing it had done yet, and Steven’s nerve broke under it. He went to Mrs. Blenkiron, whom he found scrubbing out the dairy.

That was the worst thing it had done so far, and Steven lost his composure over it. He went to Mrs. Blenkiron, who he found cleaning the dairy.

She sighed as she wrung out the floor-cloth.

She sighed as she squeezed out the mop.

“Eh, these owd yeller stawnes, scroob as you will they’ll navver look clean.”

“Ugh, these old yellow stones, no matter how much you scrub them, they'll never look clean.”

“Naw,” he said. “Scroob and scroob, you’ll navver get them clean.”

“Nah,” he said. “Scroob and scroob, you’ll never get them clean.”

She looked up at him.

She gazed up at him.

“Eh, lad, what ails ’ee? Ye’ve got a faace like a wroong dishclout hanging ower t’ sink.”

“Hey, kid, what’s wrong with you? You’ve got a face like a dirty dishcloth hanging over the sink.”

“I’ve got the colic.”

“I have colic.”

“Aye, an’ naw woonder wi’ the damp, and they misties, an’ your awn bad cooking. Let me roon down t’ ‘King’s Arms’ and get you a drop of whisky.”

“Aye, and no wonder with the damp, the mist, and your own bad cooking. Let me run down to the ‘King’s Arms’ and get you a shot of whisky.”

“Naw, I’ll gaw down mysen.”

“Nah, I’ll go down myself.”

He knew now he was afraid to be left alone in the house. Down at the “King’s Arms” Dorsy and Mrs. Oldishaw were sorry for him. By this time he was really ill with fright. Dorsy and Mrs. Oldishaw said it was a chill. They made him lie down on the settle by the kitchen fire and put a rug over him, and gave him stiff hot grog to drink. He slept. And when he woke he found Dorsy sitting beside him with her sewing.

He realized he was scared to be alone in the house. Down at the “King’s Arms,” Dorsy and Mrs. Oldishaw felt sorry for him. At this point, he was genuinely ill from fear. Dorsy and Mrs. Oldishaw said it was just a chill. They made him lie down on the couch by the kitchen fire, covered him with a blanket, and gave him a strong hot drink. He fell asleep. When he woke up, he found Dorsy sitting next to him, working on her sewing.

He sat up and her hand was on his shoulder.

He sat up and her hand was on his shoulder.

“Lay still, lad.”

"Stay still, kid."

“I maun get oop and gaw.”

“I need to get up and go.”

“Nay, there’s naw call for ’ee to gaw. Lay still and I’ll make thee a coop o’ tea.”

“Nah, there’s no need for you to go. Just lie still and I’ll make you a cup of tea.”

He lay still.

He stayed still.

Mrs. Oldishaw had made up a bed for him in her son’s room, and they kept him there that night and till four o’clock the next day.

Mrs. Oldishaw had set up a bed for him in her son’s room, and they kept him there that night and until four o’clock the next day.

When he got up to go Dorsy put on her coat and hat.

When he stood up to leave, Dorsy put on her coat and hat.

“Is tha gawing out, Dorsy?”

"Is that going out, Dorsy?"

“Aye. I canna let thee gaw and set there by thysen. I’m cooming oop to set with ’ee till night time.”

“Aye. I can’t let you just sit there by yourself. I’m coming up to sit with you until night time.”

She came up and they sat side by side in the Lodge kitchen by the fire as they used to sit when they were together there, holding each other’s hands and not talking.

She came over and they sat side by side in the Lodge kitchen by the fire like they used to, holding each other’s hands and not saying a word.

“Dorsy,” he said at last, “what astha coom for? Astha coom to tall me tha’ll navver speak to me again?”

“Dorsy,” he finally said, “what’s this all about? Are you here to tell me you’ll never talk to me again?”

“Nay. Tha knaws what I’ve coom for.”

“Nah. You know what I’ve come for.”

“To saay tha’ll marry me?”

"To say they'll marry me?"

“Aye.”

"Yeah."

“I maunna marry thee, Dorsy. ’twouldn’ be right.”

“I can't marry you, Dorsy. It wouldn’t be right.”

“Right? What dostha mean? ’Twouldn’t be right for me to coom and set wi’ thee this road ef I doan’t marry thee.”

“Right? What do you mean? It wouldn’t be right for me to come and sit with you on this road if I don’t marry you.”

“Nay. I darena’. Tha said tha was afraid of me, Dorsy. I doan’t want ’ee to be afraid. Tha said tha’d be unhappy. I doan’t want ’ee to be unhappy.”

“Nah. I can’t. You said you were afraid of me, Dorsy. I don’t want you to be afraid. You said you’d be unhappy. I don’t want you to be unhappy.”

“That was lasst year. I’m not afraid of ’ee, now, Steve.”

“That was last year. I’m not afraid of you now, Steve.”

“Tha doan’t knaw me, lass.”

"You don't know me, girl."

“Aye, I knaw thee. I knaw tha’s sick and starved for want of me. Tha canna live wi’out thy awn lass to take care of ’ee.”

“Yeah, I know you. I know you’re sick and starving for me. You can’t live without your own girl to take care of you.”

She rose.

She got up.

“I maun gaw now. But I’ll be oop to-morrow and the next day.”

“I have to go now. But I’ll be up tomorrow and the next day.”

And to-morrow and the next day and the next, at dusk, the hour that Steven most dreaded, Dorsy came. She sat with him till long after the night had fallen.

And tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, at dusk, the time that Steven feared the most, Dorsy came. She sat with him long after night had fallen.

Steven would have felt safe so long as she was with him, but for his fear that Mr. Greathead would appear to him while she was there and that she would see him. If Dorsy knew he was being haunted she might guess why. Or Mr. Greathead might take some horrible blood-dripping and dismembered shape that would show her how he had been murdered. It would be like him, dead, to come between them as he had come when he was living.

Steven would have felt safe as long as she was with him, but he was afraid that Mr. Greathead would show up while she was there and that she would see him. If Dorsy knew he was being haunted, she might figure out why. Or Mr. Greathead might take on some horrific, bloody, dismembered form that would reveal how he was murdered. It would be just like him, even in death, to come between them as he had when he was alive.

They were sitting at the round table by the fireside. The lamp was lit and Dorsy was bending over her sewing. Suddenly she looked up, her head on one side, listening. Far away inside the house, on the flagged passage from the front door, he could hear the “shoob-shoob” of the footsteps. He could almost believe that Dorsy shivered. And somehow, for some reason, this time he was not afraid.

They were sitting at the round table by the fire. The lamp was on, and Dorsy was focused on her sewing. Suddenly, she looked up, tilting her head to listen. From somewhere deep inside the house, on the stone passage from the front door, he could hear the “shoob-shoob” of footsteps. He could almost swear Dorsy shivered. And somehow, for some reason, this time he wasn’t afraid.

“Steven,” she said, “didsta ’ear anything?”

"Steven," she said, "did you hear anything?"

“Naw. Nobbut t’ wind oonder t’ roogs.”

“Nah. Just the wind under the rugs.”

She looked at him; a long wondering look. Apparently it satisfied her, for she answered: “Aye. Mebbe ’tes nobbut wind,” and went on with her sewing.

She looked at him with a long, curious gaze. It seemed to satisfy her, because she replied, “Yeah. Maybe it’s just the wind,” and continued with her sewing.

He drew his chair nearer to her to protect her if it came. He could almost touch her where she sat.

He pulled his chair closer to her to protect her if anything happened. He could almost reach her where she was sitting.

The latch lifted. The door opened, and, his entrance and his passage unseen, Mr. Greathead stood before them.

The latch lifted. The door opened, and Mr. Greathead stood before them, having entered silently and gone unnoticed.

The table hid the lower half of his form; but above it he was steady and solid in his terrible semblance of flesh and blood.

The table concealed the lower half of his body, but above it, he was steady and solid in his terrifying appearance of flesh and blood.

Steven looked at Dorsy. She was staring at the phantasm with an innocent, wondering stare that had no fear in it at all. Then she looked at Steven. An uneasy, frightened, searching look, as though to make sure whether he had seen it.

Steven looked at Dorsy. She was staring at the apparition with an innocent, curious gaze that held no fear at all. Then she looked at Steven. An uneasy, frightened, searching expression, as if to confirm whether he had seen it.

That was her fear—that he should see it, that he should be frightened, that he should be haunted.

That was her fear—that he would see it, that he would be scared, that he would be troubled.

He moved closer and put his hand on her shoulder. He thought, perhaps, she might shrink from him because she knew that it was he who was haunted. But no, she put up her hand and held his, gazing up into his face and smiling.

He moved closer and placed his hand on her shoulder. He wondered if she might pull away from him since she knew it was him who was haunted. But no, she raised her hand and held his, looking up into his face and smiling.

Then, to his amazement, the phantasm smiled back at them; not with mockery, but with a strange and terrible sweetness. Its face lit up for one instant with a sudden, beautiful, shining light; then it was gone.

Then, to his surprise, the ghost smiled back at them; not with mockery, but with a strange and haunting sweetness. Its face brightened for just a moment with a sudden, beautiful, shining light; then it vanished.

“Did tha see ’im, Steve?”

"Did you see him, Steve?"

“Aye.”

"Yeah."

“Astha seen annything afore?”

"Has Astha seen anything before?"

“Aye, three times I’ve seen ’im.”

“Aye, I’ve seen him three times.”

“Is it that ’as scared thee?”

"Does that freak you out?"

“’Oo tawled ’ee I was scared?”

“'Did you hear I was scared?”

“I knawed. Because nowt can ’appen to thee but I maun knaw it.”

“I knew. Because nothing can happen to you that I mustn't know about.”

“What dostha think, Dorsy?”

"What do you think, Dorsy?"

“I think tha needna be scared, Steve. ’E’s a kind ghawst. Whatever ’e is ’e doan’t mean thee no ’arm. T’ owd gentleman navver did when he was alive.”

“I think you don’t need to be scared, Steve. He’s a kind ghost. Whatever he is, he doesn’t mean you any harm. The old gentleman never did when he was alive.”

“Didn’ ’e? Didn’ ’e? ’E served me the woorst turn ’e could when ’e coomed between thee and me.”

“Did he? Did he? He did me the worst favor he could when he came between you and me.”

“Whatever makes ’ee think that, lad?”

“Why do you think that, kid?”

“I doan’ think it. I know.”

“I don’t think it. I know.”

“Nay, loove, tha dostna.”

“No, love, that doesn’t.”

“’E did. ’E did, I tell thee.”

“He did. He did, I tell you.”

“Doan’ tha say that,” she cried. “Doan’ tha say it, Stevey.”

“Don’t say that,” she cried. “Don’t say it, Stevey.”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

"Why not?"

“Tha’ll set folk talking that road.”

“That's going to get people talking down that way.”

“What do they knaw to talk about?”

“What do they know to talk about?”

“Ef they was to remember what tha said.”

“Even if they were to remember what they said.”

“And what did I say?”

"What did I say?"

“Why, that ef annybody was to coom between thee and me, tha’d do them in.”

“Why, if anyone were to come between you and me, they'd be dealt with.”

“I wasna thinking of ’im. Gawd knaws I wasna.”

“I wasn't thinking of him. God knows I wasn't.”

They doan’t,” she said.

“They don’t,” she said.

Tha knaws? Tha knaws I didna mean ’im?”

"You know? I didn't mean him?"

“Aye, I knaw, Steve.”

"Yeah, I know, Steve."

“An’, Dorsy, tha ’rn’t afraid of me? Tha ’rn’t afraid of me anny more?”

“Hey, Dorsy, you're not afraid of me, right? You’re not afraid of me anymore?”

“Nay, lad. I loove thee too mooch. I shall navver be afraid of ’ee again. Would I coom to thee this road ef I was afraid?”

“Nah, kid. I love you too much. I’ll never be afraid of you again. Would I come to you this way if I was scared?”

“Tha’ll be afraid now.”

"They'll be scared now."

“And what should I be afraid of?”

“And what am I supposed to be afraid of?”

“Why—’im.”

“Why—him.”

’Im? I should be a deal more afraid to think of ’ee setting with ’im oop ’ere, by thysen. Wuntha coom down and sleep at aunt’s?”

’Im? I should be a lot more scared to think of you sitting up here by yourself with him. Want to come down and stay at my aunt’s?”

“That I wunna. But I shall set ’ee on t’ road passt t’ moor.”

“That I won’t. But I’ll set you on the road past the moor.”

He went with her down the bridle-path and across the moor and along the main road that led through Eastthwaite. They parted at the turn where the lights of the village came in sight.

He walked with her down the horse path, across the moor, and along the main road that went through Eastthwaite. They separated at the curve where the village lights became visible.

The moon had risen as Steven went back across the moor. The ash-tree at the bridle-path stood out clear, its hooked, bending branches black against the grey moor-grass. The shadows in the ruts laid stripes along the bridle-path, black on grey. The house was black-grey in the darkness of the drive. Only the lighted study window made a golden square in its long wall.

The moon was up as Steven made his way back across the moor. The ash tree at the bridle path stood out clearly, its crooked, bending branches dark against the grey moor grass. The shadows in the ruts created lines along the bridle path, dark on grey. The house was a dark grey in the dimness of the driveway. Only the lit study window shone like a golden square on its long wall.

Before he could go up to bed he would have to put out the study lamp. He was nervous; but he no longer felt the sickening and sweating terror of the first hauntings. Either he was getting used to it, or—something had happened to him.

Before he could head to bed, he had to turn off the study lamp. He was anxious, but he didn't feel the nausea-inducing and sweaty fear of the initial hauntings anymore. He was either getting accustomed to it, or—something had changed within him.

He had closed the shutters and put out the lamp. His candle made a ring of light round the table in the middle of the room. He was about to take it up and go when he heard a thin voice calling his name: “Steven.” He raised his head to listen. The thin thread of sound seemed to come from outside, a long way off, at the end of the bridle-path.

He had shut the shutters and turned off the lamp. His candle created a ring of light around the table in the center of the room. Just as he was about to pick it up and leave, he heard a faint voice calling his name: “Steven.” He lifted his head to listen. The delicate sound seemed to come from outside, far away, at the end of the bridle path.

“Steven, Steven—”

“Steven, Steven—”

This time he could have sworn the sound came from inside his head, like the hiss of air in his ears.

This time, he could have sworn the sound was coming from inside his head, like the hissing of air in his ears.

“Steven—”

“Steve—”

He knew the voice now. It was behind him in the room. He turned, and saw the phantasm of Mr. Greathead sitting, as he used to sit, in the arm-chair by the fire. The form was dim in the dusk of the room outside the ring of candlelight. Steven’s first movement was to snatch up the candlestick and hold it between him and the phantasm, hoping that the light would cause it to disappear. Instead of disappearing the figure became clear and solid, indistinguishable from a figure of flesh and blood dressed in black broadcloth and white linen. Its eyes had the shining transparency of blue crystal; they were fixed on Steven with a look of quiet, benevolent attention. Its small, narrow mouth was lifted at the corners, smiling.

He recognized the voice now. It was behind him in the room. He turned and saw the ghost of Mr. Greathead sitting, just like he used to, in the armchair by the fire. The figure was faint in the dim light outside the circle of candlelight. Steven's first instinct was to grab the candlestick and hold it between him and the ghost, hoping the light would make it vanish. Instead of disappearing, the figure became clear and solid, indistinguishable from a living person dressed in black fabric and white linen. Its eyes had the bright clarity of blue glass; they were fixed on Steven with a look of calm, kind interest. Its small, narrow mouth was turned up at the corners, smiling.

... the figure became clear and solid ...

... the figure became clear and defined ...

It spoke.

It communicated.

“You needn’t be afraid,” it said.

“You don’t need to be afraid,” it said.

The voice was natural now, quiet, measured, slightly quavering. Instead of frightening Steven it soothed and steadied him.

The voice was natural now, soft, steady, and a bit shaky. Instead of scaring Steven, it calmed and reassured him.

He put the candle on the table behind him and stood up before the phantasm, fascinated.

He placed the candle on the table behind him and stood up in front of the apparition, captivated.

Why are you afraid?” it asked.

“Why are you scared?” it asked.

Steven couldn’t answer. He could only stare, held there by the shining, hypnotizing eyes.

Steven couldn't respond. He could only gaze, captivated by the shining, mesmerizing eyes.

“You are afraid,” it said, “because you think I’m what you call a ghost, a supernatural thing. You think I’m dead and that you killed me. You think you took a horrible revenge for a wrong you thought I did you. You think I’ve come back to frighten you, to revenge myself in my turn.

“You're scared,” it said, “because you think I’m what you call a ghost, some supernatural being. You believe I’m dead and that you were the one who killed me. You think you took a terrible revenge for a wrong you believed I did to you. You assume I’ve come back to scare you, to get revenge on you for what you've done.”

“And every one of those thoughts of yours, Steven, is wrong. I’m real, and my appearance is as natural and real as anything in this room—more natural and more real if you did but know. You didn’t kill me, as you see; for here I am, as alive, more alive than you are. Your revenge consisted in removing me from a state which had become unbearable to a state more delightful than you can imagine. I don’t mind telling you, Steven, that I was in serious financial difficulties (which, by the way, is a good thing for you, as it provides a plausible motive for my disappearance). So that, as far as revenge goes, the thing was a complete frost. You were my benefactor. Your methods were somewhat violent, and I admit you gave me some disagreeable moments before my actual deliverance; but as I was already developing rheumatoid arthritis there can be no doubt that in your hands my death was more merciful than if it had been left to Nature. As for the subsequent arrangements, I congratulate you, Steven, on your coolness and resource. I always said you were equal to any emergency, and that your brains would pull you safe through any scrape. You committed an appalling and dangerous crime, a crime of all things the most difficult to conceal, and you contrived so that it was not discovered and never will be discovered. And no doubt the details of this crime seemed to you horrible and revolting to the last degree; and the more horrible and the more revolting they were, the more you piqued yourself on your nerve in carrying the thing through without a hitch.

“And every single one of those thoughts of yours, Steven, is wrong. I’m real, and my appearance is as natural and real as anything in this room—more natural and more real than you realize. You didn’t kill me, as you can see; here I am, alive, more alive than you are. Your revenge involved taking me from a situation that had become unbearable to one more enjoyable than you can imagine. I don’t mind telling you, Steven, that I was in serious financial trouble (which, by the way, is good for you, as it gives a plausible motive for my disappearance). So, as far as revenge goes, the whole thing was a complete failure. You were my benefactor. Your methods were a bit extreme, and I admit you put me through some unpleasant moments before my actual release; but since I was already developing rheumatoid arthritis, there’s no doubt that, in your hands, my death was more merciful than if it had been left to Nature. As for the arrangements afterward, I congratulate you, Steven, on your composure and resourcefulness. I always said you were capable of handling any emergency, and that your brains would get you out of any trouble. You committed a terrible and dangerous crime, one of the hardest to hide, and you managed it so that it wasn’t discovered and never will be. And no doubt the details of this crime seemed horrible and disgusting to you; the more horrible and disgusting they were, the more you prided yourself on your nerve in pulling it off without a hitch.”

“I don’t want to put you entirely out of conceit with your performance. It was very creditable for a beginner, very creditable indeed. But let me tell you, this idea of things being horrible and revolting is all illusion. The terms are purely relative to your limited perceptions.

“I don’t want to completely shatter your confidence in your performance. It was quite impressive for a beginner, really impressive. But let me tell you, this notion that things are horrible and disgusting is just an illusion. Those terms are entirely relative to your limited perspective.

“I’m speaking now to your intelligence—I don’t mean that practical ingenuity which enabled you to dispose of me so neatly. When I say intelligence I mean intelligence. All you did, then, was to redistribute matter. To our incorruptible sense matter never takes any of those offensive forms in which it so often appears to you. Nature has evolved all this horror and repulsion just to prevent people from making too many little experiments like yours. You mustn’t imagine that these things have any eternal importance. Don’t flatter yourself you’ve electrified the universe. For minds no longer attached to flesh and blood, that horrible butchery you were so proud of, Steven, is simply silly. No more terrifying than the spilling of red ink or the rearrangement of a jig-saw puzzle. I saw the whole business, and I can assure you I felt nothing but intense amusement. Your face, Steven, was so absurdly serious. You’ve no idea what you looked like with that chopper. I’d have appeared to you then and told you so, only I knew I should frighten you into fits.

“I’m talking now to your intelligence—I don’t mean that practical cleverness that helped you get rid of me so neatly. When I say intelligence, I mean real intelligence. All you did was shuffle matter around. To our unchanging sense, matter never shows up in those ugly forms that often disturb you. Nature has created all this horror and disgust just to stop people from conducting too many little experiments like yours. Don’t think these things have any lasting significance. Don’t kid yourself that you’ve shocked the universe. To minds no longer tied to flesh and blood, that terrible butchery you were so proud of, Steven, is just ridiculous. It’s no more frightening than spilling red ink or rearranging a jigsaw puzzle. I saw the whole thing, and I can assure you I felt nothing but intense amusement. Your face, Steven, was so absurdly serious. You have no idea how you looked holding that chopper. I would have appeared to you then and told you so, but I knew it would scare you to death.”

“And there’s another grand mistake, my lad—your thinking that I’m haunting you out of revenge, that I’m trying to frighten you.... My dear Steven, if I’d wanted to frighten you I’d have appeared in a very different shape. I needn’t remind you what shape I might have appeared in.... What do you suppose I’ve come for?”

“And there’s another big mistake, my boy—thinking that I’m haunting you out of revenge, that I’m trying to scare you.... My dear Steven, if I’d wanted to scare you I would have shown up in a very different form. I don’t need to remind you what form I could have taken.... What do you think I’ve come for?”

“I don’t know,” said Steven in a husky whisper. “Tell me.”

“I don’t know,” Steven said quietly. “Tell me.”

“I’ve come to forgive you. And to save you from the horror you would have felt sooner or later. And to stop your going on with your crime.”

“I've come to forgive you. And to save you from the horror you would have felt sooner or later. And to stop you from continuing your crime.”

“You needn’t,” Steven said. “I’m not going on with it. I shall do no more murders.”

“You don’t have to,” Steven said. “I’m not going to continue with this. I won't commit any more murders.”

“There you are again. Can’t you understand that I’m not talking about your silly butcher’s work? I’m talking about your real crime. Your real crime was hating me.

“There you are again. Can’t you see that I’m not talking about your silly butcher job? I’m talking about your real crime. Your real crime was hating me.

“And your very hate was a blunder, Steven. You hated me for something I hadn’t done.”

“And your hate was a mistake, Steven. You hated me for something I didn’t do.”

“Aye, what did you do? Tell me that.”

“Aye, what did you do? Tell me.”

“You thought I came between you and your sweetheart. That night when Dorsy spoke to me, you thought I told her to throw you over, didn’t you?”

“You thought I came between you and your sweetheart. That night when Dorsy talked to me, you thought I told her to break up with you, didn’t you?”

“Aye. And what did you tell her?”

“Aye. And what did you say to her?”

“I told her to stick to you. It was you, Steven, who drove her away. You frightened the child. She said she was afraid for her life of you. Not because you half killed that poor boy, but because of the look on your face before you did it. The look of hate, Steven.

“I told her to stick with you. It was you, Steven, who pushed her away. You scared the kid. She said she was afraid for her life because of you. Not just because you almost killed that poor boy, but because of the look on your face before you did it. The look of hate, Steven.

“I told her not to be afraid of you. I told her that if she threw you over you might go altogether to the devil; that she might even be responsible for some crime. I told her that if she married you and was faithful—if she loved you—I’d answer for it you’d never go wrong.

“I told her not to be afraid of you. I told her that if she dumped you, you might completely lose it; that she could even be responsible for something terrible. I told her that if she married you and stayed loyal—if she loved you—I’d guarantee that you’d never mess up.”

“She was too frightened to listen to me. Then I told her to think over what I’d said before she did anything. You heard me say that.”

“She was too scared to listen to me. Then I told her to think about what I’d said before she did anything. You heard me say that.”

“Aye. That’s what I heard you say. I didn’ knaw. I didn’ knaw. I thought you’d set her agen me.”

“Aye. That’s what I heard you say. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I thought you’d turned her against me.”

“If you don’t believe me, you can ask her, Steven.”

“If you don’t believe me, you can ask her, Steven.”

“That’s what she said t’ other night. That you navver coom between her and me. Navver.”

"That’s what she said the other night. That you never come between her and me. Never."

“Never,” the phantasm said. “And you don’t hate me now.”

“Never,” the ghost said. “And you don’t hate me now.”

“Naw. Naw. I should navver ’a hated ’ee. I should navver ’a laid a finger on thee, ef I’d knawn.”

“Naw. Naw. I should never have hated you. I should never have laid a finger on you, if I’d known.”

“It’s not your laying fingers on me, it’s your hatred that matters. If that’s done with, the whole thing’s done with.”

“It’s not about you touching me, it’s your hatred that really counts. If that’s over, then everything is over.”

“Is it? Is it? Ef it was knawn, I should have to hang for it. Maunna I gie mysen oop? Tell me, maun I gie mysen oop?”

“Is it? Is it? If it was known, I’d have to hang for it. Must I give myself up? Tell me, must I give myself up?”

“You want me to decide that for you?”

"You want me to make that decision for you?"

“Aye. Doan’t gaw,” he said. “Doan’t gaw.”

“Aye. Don’t stare,” he said. “Don’t stare.”

It seemed to him that Mr. Greathead’s phantasm was getting a little thin, as if it couldn’t last more than an instant. He had never so longed for it to go, as he longed now for it to stay and help him.

It felt to him like Mr. Greathead’s vision was becoming a bit weak, as if it couldn’t last more than a moment. He had never wanted it to leave more than he wanted it to stay and help him now.

“Well, Steven, any flesh-and-blood man would tell you to go and get hanged to-morrow; that it was no more than your plain duty. And I daresay there are some mean, vindictive spirits even in my world who would say the same, not because they think death important but because they know you do, and want to get even with you that way.

“Well, Steven, any real man would tell you to just go and get hanged tomorrow; it’s nothing more than your plain duty. And I bet there are some petty, spiteful people even in my world who would say the same thing, not because they think death matters, but because they know you do, and they want to get back at you that way.

“It isn’t my way. I consider this little affair is strictly between ourselves. There isn’t a jury of flesh-and-blood men who would understand it. They all think death so important.”

“It’s not my way. I believe this little situation is just between us. There isn’t a jury of real people who would get it. They all think death is such a big deal.”

“What do you want me to do, then? Tell me and I’ll do it! Tell me!”

“What do you want me to do? Just tell me, and I’ll do it! Tell me!”

He cried it out loud; for Mr. Greathead’s phantasm was getting thinner and thinner; it dwindled and fluttered, like a light going down. Its voice came from somewhere away outside, from the other end of the bridle-path.

He shouted it out loud; Mr. Greathead's ghost was getting fainter and fainter; it shrank and flickered, like a dimming light. Its voice came from somewhere far away, from the other end of the bridle path.

“Go on living,” it said. “Marry Dorsy.”

“Keep living,” it said. “Marry Dorsy.”

“I darena’. She doan’ knaw I killed ’ee.”

“I don't know. She doesn't know I killed you.”

“Oh, yes”—the eyes flickered up, gentle and ironic—“she does. She knew all the time.”

“Oh, yes”—the eyes flickered up, soft and ironic—“she does. She knew all along.”

And with that the phantasm went out.

And with that, the illusion disappeared.

THE FINDING OF THE ABSOLUTE

I
I

Mr. Spalding had gone out into the garden to find peace, and had not found it. He sat there, with hunched shoulders and bowed head, dejected in the spring sunshine.

Mr. Spalding had gone out into the garden to seek peace but hadn’t found it. He sat there, with slumped shoulders and a lowered head, feeling down in the spring sunshine.

Jerry, the black cat, invited him to play; he stood on his hind legs and danced, and bowed sideways, and waved his forelegs in the air like wings. At any other time his behaviour would have enchanted Mr. Spalding, but now he couldn’t even look at him; he was too miserable.

Jerry, the black cat, invited him to play; he stood on his back legs and danced, bowed sideways, and waved his front paws in the air like wings. Normally, his antics would have delighted Mr. Spalding, but now he couldn't even bear to look at him; he felt too miserable.

He had gone to bed miserable; he had passed a night of misery, and he had waked up more miserable than ever. He had been like that for three days and three nights straight on end, and no wonder. It wasn’t only that his young wife Elizabeth had run away with Paul Jeffreson, the Imagist poet. Besides the frailty of Elizabeth, he had discovered a fatal flaw in his own system of metaphysics. His belief in Elizabeth was gone. So was his belief in the Absolute.

He went to bed feeling terrible; he spent the night in misery and woke up even worse. He had been like this for three straight days and nights, which wasn’t surprising. It wasn't just that his young wife Elizabeth had left him for Paul Jeffreson, the Imagist poet. On top of Elizabeth's betrayal, he realized there was a serious flaw in his own system of metaphysics. His faith in Elizabeth was shattered. So was his belief in the Absolute.

The two things had come at once, to crush him. And he had to own bitterly that they were not altogether unrelated. “If,” Mr. Spalding said to himself, “I had served my wife as faithfully as I have served my God, she would not now have deserted me for Paul Jeffreson.” He meant that if he had not been wrapped up in his system of metaphysics, Elizabeth might still have been wrapped up in him. He had nobody but himself to thank for her behaviour.

The two things had hit him all at once, and he had to face the painful truth that they were connected. “If,” Mr. Spalding thought to himself, “I had been as faithful to my wife as I have been to my God, she wouldn’t have left me for Paul Jeffreson.” He felt that if he hadn't been so caught up in his metaphysical theories, Elizabeth might still be completely devoted to him. He had no one to blame for her actions but himself.

If she had run away with anybody else, since run she must, he might have forgiven her; he might have forgiven himself; but there could be nothing but misery in store for Elizabeth. Paul Jeffreson had genius, Mr. Spalding didn’t deny it; immortal genius; but he had no morals; he drank; he drugged; in Mr. Spalding’s decent phrase, he did everything he shouldn’t do.

If she had run off with anyone else, since she had to run, he might have forgiven her; he might have forgiven himself; but there was nothing but misery ahead for Elizabeth. Paul Jeffreson was a genius, Mr. Spalding didn’t deny that; an immortal genius; but he had no morals; he drank; he used drugs; in Mr. Spalding’s polite words, he did everything he shouldn’t.

You would have thought this overwhelming disaster would have completely outweighed the other trouble. But no; Mr. Spalding had a balanced mind; he mourned with equal sorrow the loss of his wife and the loss of his Absolute. A flaw in a metaphysical system may seem to you a small thing; but you must bear in mind that, ever since he could think at all, Mr. Spalding had been devoured by a hunger and thirst after metaphysical truth. He had flung over the God he had been taught to believe in because, besides being an outrage to Mr. Spalding’s moral sense, he wasn’t metaphysical enough. The poor man was always worrying about metaphysics; he wandered from system to system, seeking truth, seeking reality, seeking some supreme intellectual satisfaction that never came. He thought he had found it in his theory of Absolute Pantheism. But really, Spalding’s Pantheism, anybody’s Pantheism for that matter, couldn’t, when you brought it down to bed-rock thinking, hold water for a minute. And the more Absolute he made it, the leakier it was.

You would think this overwhelming disaster would totally overshadow all his other problems. But no; Mr. Spalding had a balanced mind; he grieved equally over the loss of his wife and the loss of his Absolute. A flaw in a metaphysical system might seem minor to you; but you have to remember that, as long as he could think, Mr. Spalding had been consumed by a longing for metaphysical truth. He had rejected the God he was taught to believe in because, besides being an insult to Mr. Spalding’s moral sense, He wasn’t metaphysical enough. The poor man was always troubled by metaphysics; he drifted from system to system, searching for truth, looking for reality, hoping for some ultimate intellectual satisfaction that never materialized. He thought he found it in his theory of Absolute Pantheism. But really, Spalding’s Pantheism, or anyone’s Pantheism for that matter, couldn’t, when you got down to basic reasoning, hold up for even a minute. And the more Absolute he made it, the leakier it became.

For, consider, on Mr. Spalding’s theory, there isn’t any reality except the Absolute. Things are only real because they exist in It; because It is Them. Mr. Spalding conceived that his consciousness and Elizabeth’s consciousness and Paul Jeffreson’s consciousness existed somehow in the Absolute unchanged. For, if that inside existence changed them you would have to say that the ground of their present appearance lay somewhere outside the Absolute, which to Mr. Spalding was rank blasphemy. And if Elizabeth and Paul Jeffreson existed in the Absolute unchanged, then their adultery existed there unchanged. And an adultery within the Absolute outraged his moral sense as much as anything he had been told about God in his youth. The odd thing was that until Elizabeth had run away and committed it he had never thought of that. The metaphysics of Pantheism had interested him much more than its ethics. And now he could think of nothing else.

For Mr. Spalding's theory, there’s no reality apart from the Absolute. Things are only real because they exist within It; because It is Them. Mr. Spalding believed that his consciousness, Elizabeth's consciousness, and Paul Jeffreson's consciousness somehow existed in the Absolute without change. If that inner existence changed them, it would mean that the basis of their current state was somewhere outside the Absolute, which Mr. Spalding considered absolute blasphemy. And if Elizabeth and Paul Jeffreson existed in the Absolute unchanged, then their affair existed there unchanged too. An affair within the Absolute shocked his moral sensibility just as much as anything he had been taught about God in his youth. The strange thing was that until Elizabeth had left and done it, he had never thought about this. The metaphysics of Pantheism had captivated him much more than its ethics. And now he could think of nothing else.

And it wasn’t only Elizabeth and her iniquity; there were all the intolerable people he had ever known. There was his Uncle Sims, a mean sneak if ever there was one; and his Aunt Emily, a silly fool; and his cousin, Tom Rumbold, an obscene idiot. And his uncle’s mean sneak-ishness, and his aunt’s silly folly, and his cousin’s obscene idiocy would have to exist in the Absolute, too; and unchanged, mind you.

And it wasn’t just Elizabeth and her wrongdoing; there were all the unbearable people he had ever known. There was his Uncle Sims, a nasty sneak if there ever was one; and his Aunt Emily, a foolish idiot; and his cousin, Tom Rumbold, a disgusting moron. And his uncle’s nasty sneakiness, and his aunt’s foolishness, and his cousin’s disgusting stupidity would have to exist in the Absolute as well; and unchanged, mind you.

And the things you see and hear—A blue sky, now, would it be blue in the Sight of God, or just something inconceivable? And noises, music? For example, I am listening to Grand Opera, and you to the jazz band in your restaurant; but the God of Pantheism is listening to both, to all the noises in the universe at once. As if He had sat down on the piano. This idea shocked Mr. Spalding even more than the thought of Elizabeth’s misconduct.

And the things you see and hear—A blue sky, would it seem blue to God, or is it just something beyond imagination? And sounds, like music? For instance, I'm listening to Grand Opera, while you're enjoying the jazz band at your restaurant; but the God of Pantheism hears both, all the sounds in the universe simultaneously. As if He were sitting down at the piano. This idea shocked Mr. Spalding even more than the thought of Elizabeth’s wrongdoings.

Time went on. Paul Jeffreson drank himself to death. Elizabeth, worn out with grief, died of pneumonia following influenza; and Mr. Spalding still went about worrying over his inadjustable metaphysics.

Time went on. Paul Jeffreson drank himself to death. Elizabeth, exhausted from grief, died of pneumonia after having the flu; and Mr. Spalding still wandered around, fretting over his unchangeable metaphysics.

And at last he, too, found himself dying.

And finally, he realized he was also dying.

And then he began to worry about other things. Things that had, as he put it, “happened” in his youth, before he knew Elizabeth, and one thing that had happened after she left him. He thought of them as just happening; happening to him rather than through him, against his will. In calm, philosophic moments he couldn’t conceive how they had ever happened at all, how, for example, he could have endured Connie Larkins. The episodes had been brief, because in each case boredom and disgust had supervened to put asunder what Mr. Spalding owned should never have been joined. Brief, insignificant as they were, Mr. Spalding, in his dying state, was worried when he looked back on them. Supposing they were more significant than they had seemed? Supposing they had an eternal significance and entailed tremendous consequences in the after-life? Supposing you were not just wiped out, that there really was an after-life? Supposing that in that other world there was a hell?

And then he started to worry about other things. Things that, as he described them, “happened” in his youth, before he met Elizabeth, and one thing that occurred after she left him. He viewed them as just happening; happening to him rather than through him, against his will. In calm, philosophical moments, he couldn't understand how they ever happened at all, like how he could have tolerated Connie Larkins. The episodes had been short because in each case, boredom and disgust had quickly surfaced to separate what Mr. Spalding believed should never have been connected. Brief and insignificant as they were, Mr. Spalding, in his dying state, felt troubled when he reflected on them. What if they were more significant than they appeared? What if they had an eternal significance that led to serious consequences in the afterlife? What if you weren’t just wiped out, and there really was an afterlife? What if in that other world there was a hell?

Mr. Spalding could imagine no worse hell than the eternal repetition of such incidents; eternal repetition of boredom and disgust. Fancy going on with Connie Larkins for ever and ever, never being able to get away from her, doomed to repeat—And, if there was an Absolute, if there was reality, truth, never knowing it; being cut off from it for ever—

Mr. Spalding couldn't imagine a worse hell than the never-ending cycle of incidents like these; an endless loop of boredom and disgust. Just thinking about being stuck with Connie Larkins forever, unable to escape her, doomed to relive it—And if there really was an Absolute, if there was reality and truth, never being able to know it; being cut off from it forever—

“He that is filthy let him be filthy still.”

“He who is dirty, let him stay dirty.”

That was hell, the continuance of the filthy state.

That was terrible, the ongoing state of filth.

He wondered whether goodness was not, after all, the important thing; he wondered whether there really was a next world; with an extreme uneasiness he wondered what would happen to him in it.

He questioned whether goodness was, in the end, the important thing; he wondered if there really was an afterlife; with a deep sense of unease, he thought about what would happen to him in it.

He died wondering.

He died in doubt.

II
II

His first thought was: Well, here I am again. I’ve not been wiped out. His next, that he hadn’t died at all. He had gone to sleep and was now dreaming. He was not in the least agitated, nor even surprised.

His first thought was: Well, here I am again. I haven’t been wiped out. His next thought was that he hadn’t died at all. He had gone to sleep and was now dreaming. He wasn’t at all agitated, nor even surprised.

He found himself alone in an immense grey space, in which there was no distinguishable object but himself. He was aware of his body as occupying a portion of this space. For he had a body; a curious, tenuous, whitish body. The odd thing was that this empty space had a sort of solidity under him. He was lying on it, stretched out on it, adrift. It supported him with the buoyancy of deep water. And yet his body was part of it, netted in.

He found himself alone in a huge gray space, where there was nothing to see but himself. He was aware of his body taking up a part of this space. Because he did have a body; a strange, delicate, whitish body. The weird thing was that this empty space felt somewhat solid beneath him. He was lying on it, stretched out, floating. It supported him like being in deep water. Yet, his body was part of it, entangled within it.

He was now aware of two figures approaching. They came and stood, like figures treading water, one on each side of him, and he saw that they were Elizabeth and Paul Jeffreson.

He now noticed two figures coming closer. They stopped, resembling people treading water, one on each side of him, and he recognized that they were Elizabeth and Paul Jeffreson.

Then he concluded that he was really dead; dead like Elizabeth and Jeffreson, and (since they were there) that he was in hell.

Then he decided that he was really dead; dead like Elizabeth and Jeffreson, and (since they were there) that he was in hell.

Elizabeth was speaking, and her voice sounded sweet and very kind. All the same he knew he was in hell.

Elizabeth was talking, and her voice was sweet and really kind. Even so, he knew he was in hell.

“It’s all right,” she said. “It’s queer at first, but you’ll get used to it. You don’t mind our coming to meet you?”

“It’s okay,” she said. “It feels strange at first, but you’ll get used to it. You don’t mind us coming to meet you?”

Mr. Spalding said he’d no business to mind, no right to reproach her, since they were all in the same boat. They had, all three, deserved their punishment.

Mr. Spalding said he had no business to mind, no right to blame her, since they were all in the same situation. They all three deserved their punishment.

“Punishment?” (Jeffreson spoke). “Why, where does he think he is?”

“Punishment?” Jeffreson said. “Why, where does he think he is?”

“I’m in hell, aren’t I? If—”

“I’m in hell, right? If—”

“If we’re here. Is that it?”

“If we’re here. Is that it?”

“Well, Jeffreson, I don’t want to rake up old unpleasantness, but after—after what happened, you’ll forgive my saying so, but what else can I think?”

“Well, Jeffreson, I don’t want to bring up old issues, but after—after what happened, you’ll understand why I say this, but what else can I think?”

He heard Jeffreson laugh; a perfectly natural laugh.

He heard Jeffreson laugh; a completely natural laugh.

“Will you tell him, Elizabeth, or shall I?”

“Will you tell him, Elizabeth, or should I?”

“You’d better. He always respected your intelligence.”

“You should. He always respected your intellect.”

“Well, old chap, if you really want to know where you are, you’re in heaven.”

“Well, buddy, if you really want to know where you are, you’re in heaven.”

“You don’t mean to say so?”

"You're kidding, right?"

“Fact. I daresay you’re wondering what we’re doing here?”

“Fact. I bet you’re wondering what we’re doing here?”

“Well, Elizabeth—perhaps. But, frankly, Jeffreson, you——”

“Well, Elizabeth—maybe. But, honestly, Jeffreson, you——”

“Yes. How about me?”

“Sure. What about me?”

“With your record I should have thought you’d even less business here than I have.”

“With your record, I would have thought you’d have even less reason to be here than I do.”

“Wouldn’t you? I lived on unpaid bills. I drank. I drugged. There was nothing I didn’t do. What do you suppose I got in on? You’ll never guess.”

“Wouldn’t you? I lived on unpaid bills. I drank. I did drugs. There was nothing I didn’t do. What do you think I got involved with? You’ll never guess.”

“No. No. I give it up.”

“No. No. I’m over it.”

“My love of beauty. You wouldn’t think it, but it seems that actually counts here, in the eternal world.”

“My love of beauty. You wouldn’t expect it, but it actually seems to matter here, in the eternal world.”

“And Elizabeth, what did she get in on?”

“And Elizabeth, what did she get involved in?”

“Her love of me.”

"Her love for me."

“Then all I can say is,” said Mr. Spalding, “Heaven must be a most immoral place.”

“Then all I can say is,” Mr. Spalding said, “Heaven must be a really immoral place.”

“Oh, no. Your parochial morality doesn’t hold good here, that’s all. Why should it? It’s entirely relative. Relative to a social system with limits in time and space. Relative to a certain biological configuration that ceased with our terrestrial organisms. Not absolute. Not eternal.

“Oh, no. Your narrow-minded morality doesn’t apply here, that’s all. Why should it? It’s completely relative. Relative to a social system with boundaries in time and space. Relative to a specific biological makeup that ended with our earthly beings. Not absolute. Not eternal.

“But beauty—Beauty is eternal, is absolute. And I—I loved beauty more than credit, more than drink or drugs or women, more even than Elizabeth.

“But beauty—Beauty is eternal, is absolute. And I—I loved beauty more than recognition, more than alcohol or drugs or women, more even than Elizabeth.”

“And love is eternal. And Elizabeth loved me more than you, more than respectability, more than peace and comfort, and a happy life.”

“And love is forever. And Elizabeth loved me more than you, more than being respectable, more than peace and comfort, and a happy life.”

“That’s all very well, Jeffreson; and Elizabeth may be all right. Mary Magdalene, you know, Quia multum amavit, and so forth. But if a blackguard like you can slip into heaven as easily as all that, where are our ethics?”

“That’s all fine, Jeffreson; and Elizabeth might be okay. Mary Magdalene, you know, Quia multum amavit, and so on. But if a scoundrel like you can waltz into heaven that easily, where are our ethics?”

“Your ethics, my dear Spalding, are where they’ve always been, where you came from, not here. And if I was what they call a bad man, that’s to say a bad terrestrial organism, I was a thundering good poet. You say I slipped in easily; do you suppose it’s easy to be a poet? My dear fellow, it requires an inflexibility, a purity, a discipline of mind—of mind, remember—that you haven’t any conception of. And surely you should be the last person in the world to regard mind as an inferior secondary affair. Anyhow, the consequence is that I’ve not only got into heaven, I’ve got into one of the best heavens, a heaven reserved exclusively for the very finest spirits.”

“Your morals, dear Spalding, are still where you started, not here. And if I was what they call a bad person, meaning a bad human being, I was an amazing poet. You say I eased in effortlessly; do you think it's easy to be a poet? My dear friend, it takes a strength, a clarity, a mental discipline—of **mind**, keep that in mind—that you can’t even begin to grasp. And you should definitely be the last person to think of mind as something less important. Anyway, the result is that I haven’t just made it into heaven; I’ve gotten into one of the best heavens, a heaven reserved solely for the very finest souls.”

“Then,” said Mr. Spalding, “if we’re in heaven, who’s in hell?”

“Then,” said Mr. Spalding, “if we’re in heaven, who’s in hell?”

“Couldn’t say for certain. But we shouldn’t put it that way. We should say: Who’s gone back to earth?”

“Can’t say for sure. But we shouldn’t phrase it like that. We should say: Who’s returned to Earth?”

“Well—am I likely to meet Uncle Sims, or Aunt Emily, or Tom Rumbold here? You remember them, Elizabeth?”

“Well—am I going to run into Uncle Sims, Aunt Emily, or Tom Rumbold here? You remember them, Elizabeth?”

“Oh, yes, I remember. They’d be almost certain to be sent back. They couldn’t stand eternal things. There’s nothing eternal about meanness and stupidity and nastiness.”

“Oh, yes, I remember. They’d almost definitely be sent back. They couldn’t handle anything that lasts forever. There’s nothing timeless about cruelty, ignorance, and unkindness.”

“What’ll happen to them, do you suppose?”

“What do you think will happen to them?”

“What should you say, Paul?”

"What do you think, Paul?"

“I should say they’d suffer damnably till they’d got some bigness and intelligence and decency knocked into them.”

“I should say they’d suffer terribly until they got some sense, smarts, and decency instilled in them.”

“It’ll be a sell for Aunt Emily. She was brought up to believe that stupidity was no drawback to getting into heaven.”

“It’ll be a sell for Aunt Emily. She was raised to think that being stupid wasn’t a barrier to getting into heaven.”

“Lots of people,” said Jeffreson, “will be sold. Like my father, the Dean of Eastminster; he was cocksure he’d get in; but they won’t let him. And why, do you suppose? Because the poor old boy couldn’t see that my poems were beautiful.

“Lots of people,” said Jeffreson, “will be rejected. Like my father, the Dean of Eastminster; he was so sure he’d get in; but they won’t let him. And why, do you think? Because the poor guy couldn’t see that my poems were beautiful.

“But even that wouldn’t have dished him, if he’d had a passion for anybody; or if he’d cared two straws about metaphysical truth. Your truth, Spalding.”

“But even that wouldn’t have bothered him, if he’d had a passion for anyone; or if he’d cared at all about metaphysical truth. Your truth, Spalding.”

“Bless me, all our preconceived ideas seem to have been wrong.”

“Wow, it looks like all our assumptions were wrong.”

“Yes. Even I wasn’t prepared for that. By the way, that’s what you got in on, your passion for truth. It’s like my passion for beauty.”

“Yeah. I wasn’t ready for that either. By the way, that’s what you got into, your passion for the truth. It’s like my passion for beauty.”

“But—aren’t you distressed about your father, Jeffreson?”

“But—aren’t you worried about your dad, Jeffreson?”

“Oh, no. He’ll get into some heaven or other some day. He’ll find out that he cares for somebody, perhaps. Then he’ll be all right— But don’t you want to look about a bit?”

“Oh, no. He’ll end up in some heaven eventually. He’ll realize that he cares for someone, maybe. Then he’ll be fine— But don’t you want to explore a little?”

“I don’t see very much to look at. It strikes me as a bit bare, your heaven.”

“I don’t see much to look at. It seems a little empty, your heaven.”

“Oh, that’s because you’re only at the landing-state.”

“Oh, that’s because you’re just at the landing stage.”

“The landing what?”

“The landing what?”

“State. What we used to call landing place. Times and spaces here, you know, are states. States of mind.”

“State. What we used to call a landing place. In this context, times and spaces are states. States of mind.”

Mr. Spalding sat up, excited. “But—but that’s what I always said they were. I and Kant.”

Mr. Spalding sat up, thrilled. “But—but that’s what I’ve always said they were. Me and Kant.”

“Well, you’d better talk to him about it.”

“Well, you should probably talk to him about it.”

“Talk to him? Shall I see Kant?”

“Talk to him? Am I going to see Kant?”

“Look at him, Elizabeth. Now he’s coming alive— Of course you’ll see him when you get into your own place—state, I mean. You’d better get up and come along with me and Elizabeth. We’ll show you round.”

“Look at him, Elizabeth. Now he’s coming alive— Of course you’ll see him when you settle into your own place— I mean, your state. You’d better get up and come with me and Elizabeth. We’ll show you around.”

Now he’s coming alive—”

Now he’s coming to life—”

He rose, they steadied him, and he made his way between them through the grey immensity, over a half-seen yet perfectly solid tract of something that he thought of, absurdly, as condensed space. As yet there were no objects in sight but the figures of Elizabeth and Jeffreson; the half-seen, yet tangible floor he went on seemed to create itself out of nothing, under his feet, as the desire to walk arose in him. And as yet he had felt no interest or curiosity; but as he went on he was aware of a desire to see things that became more and more urgent. He would see. He must see. He felt that before him and around him there were endless things to be seen. His mind strained forwards towards vision.

He got up, they supported him, and he walked between them through the vast grey expanse, over a barely visible but completely solid area that he, rather absurdly, thought of as condensed space. So far, the only figures he could see were Elizabeth and Jeffreson; the nearly invisible yet solid ground he walked on seemed to appear out of nowhere beneath his feet as the urge to walk grew within him. Until that moment, he hadn’t felt any interest or curiosity, but as he continued on, he became increasingly aware of a strong desire to see things. He needed to see. He had to see. He sensed that before him and around him, there were countless things waiting to be discovered. His mind reached out, eager for vision.

And then, suddenly, he saw.

And then, suddenly, he noticed.

He saw a landscape more beautiful than anything he could have imagined. It was, Jeffreson informed him, very like the umbrella pine country between Florence and Siena. As they came out of it on a great, curving road they had their faces towards the celestial west. To the south the land fell away in great red cliffs to a shining, blue sea. Like, Jeffreson said, the Riviera, the Estérel. West and north the landscape rolled in green hill after green hill, pine-tufted, to a sweeping rampart of deep blue; such a rampart, such blue as Mr. Spalding had seen from the heights above Sidmouth, looking towards Dartmoor. Only this country had a grace, a harmony of line and colour that gave it an absolute beauty; and over it there lay a serene, unearthly radiance.

He saw a landscape more beautiful than anything he could have imagined. It was, Jeffreson told him, very similar to the umbrella pine areas between Florence and Siena. As they emerged onto a wide, winding road, they faced the stunning west. To the south, the land dropped sharply in great red cliffs to a shining blue sea. Like, Jeffreson noted, the Riviera, the Estérel. To the west and north, the landscape rolled in green hills, dotted with pines, leading to a sweeping barrier of deep blue; a barrier, that kind of blue Mr. Spalding had seen from the heights above Sidmouth, looking toward Dartmoor. But this place had a grace, a harmony of lines and colors that created an absolute beauty; and a serene, otherworldly glow enveloped it.

Before them, on a hill, was an exquisite little white, golden and rose-red town.

Before them, on a hill, was a beautiful little town with white, gold, and rose-red hues.

“You may or may not believe me,” said Jeffreson, “but the beauty of all this is that I made it. I mean Elizabeth and I made it between us.”

“You might believe me or not,” said Jeffreson, “but the amazing thing is that I created it. I mean, Elizabeth and I created it together.”

“You made it?”

"You made it?"

“Made it.”

"Did it."

“How?”

“How?”

“By thinking of it. By wanting it. By imagining it.”

“By thinking about it. By wanting it. By visualizing it.”

“But—out of what?”

“But—out of what exactly?”

“I don’t know and I don’t much care. Our scientists here will tell you we made it out of the ultimate constituents of matter. Matter, unformed, only exists for us in its ultimate constituents. Something like electrons of electrons of electrons. Here we are all suspended in a web, immersed, if you like, in a sea, an air of this matter. It is utterly plastic to our imagination and our will. Imperceptible in its unformed state, it becomes visible and tangible as our minds get to work on it, and we can make out of it anything we want, including our own bodies. Only, so far as our imaginations are still under the dominion of our memories, so far will the things they create resemble the things we knew on earth. Thus you will notice that while Elizabeth and I are much more beautiful than we were on earth” (he had noticed it), “because we desired to be more beautiful, we are still recognizable as Paul and Elizabeth because our imaginations are controlled by our memories. You are as you always were, only younger than when we knew you, because your imagination had nothing but memory to go on. Everything you create here will probably be a replica of something on earth you remember.”

“I don’t know, and I don’t really care. Our scientists here will tell you we made it from the most basic building blocks of matter. Matter, unformed, only exists for us in its ultimate components. Something like electrons of electrons of electrons. Here we are all suspended in a web, immersed, if you will, in a sea, an air of this matter. It is completely malleable to our imagination and our will. Unseen in its unformed state, it becomes visible and tangible as our minds engage with it, allowing us to create anything we want, including our own bodies. However, as long as our imaginations are still influenced by our memories, the things we create will resemble what we knew on Earth. So, you’ll notice that while Elizabeth and I are much more beautiful than we were on Earth” (he had noticed it), “because we wanted to be more beautiful, we are still recognizable as Paul and Elizabeth because our imaginations are guided by our memories. You are as you always were, just younger than when we knew you, because your imagination has only memory to work with. Everything you create here will likely be a copy of something from Earth that you remember.”

“But if I want something new, something beautiful that I haven’t seen before, can’t I have it?”

“But if I want something new, something beautiful that I haven’t seen before, can’t I have it?”

“Of course you can have it. Only, just at first, until your own imagination develops, you’ll have to come to me or Turner or Michael Angelo to make it for you.”

“Of course you can have it. Just for now, until your own imagination develops, you’ll need to come to me or Turner or Michelangelo to create it for you.”

“And will these things that you and Turner and Michael Angelo make for me be permanent?”

“And will the things that you, Turner, and Michelangelo create for me last?”

“Absolutely, unless we unmade them. And I don’t think we should do that against your will. Anyhow, though we can destroy our own works we can’t destroy each other’s, that is to say, reduce them to their ultimate constituents. What’s more, we shouldn’t dream of trying.”

“Definitely, unless we undo them. And I don’t think we should do that if it's not what you want. Anyway, while we can destroy our own creations, we can't break down each other's to their most basic parts. Besides, we shouldn't even think about trying.”

“Why not?”

“Why not?”

“Because old motives don’t work here. Envy, greed, theft, robbery, murder, or any sort of destruction, are unknown. They can’t happen. Nothing alters matter here but mind, and I can’t will your body to come to pieces so long as you want it to keep together. You can’t destroy it yourself as you can other things you make, because your need of it is greater than your need of other things.

“Because old motives don’t apply here. Envy, greed, theft, robbery, murder, or any kind of destruction are nonexistent. They can’t happen. Nothing changes matter here except for the mind, and I can’t make your body fall apart as long as you want it to stay intact. You can’t destroy it yourself like you can with other things you create, because your need for it is stronger than your need for other things.”

“We can’t thieve or rob for the same reason. Things that belong to us belong to our state of mind and can’t be torn away from it, so that we couldn’t remove anything from another person’s state into our own. And if we could we shouldn’t want to, because each of us can always have everything he wants. If I like your house or your landscape better than my own, I can make one for myself just like it. But we don’t do this, because we’re proud of our individualities here, and would rather have things different than the same— By the way, as you haven’t got a house yet, let alone a landscape, you’d better share ours.”

“We can’t steal or rob for the same reason. The things that belong to us are tied to our mindset and can’t be separated from it, so we can’t take anything from someone else’s mindset into our own. And even if we could, we shouldn’t want to, because each of us can always have everything we desire. If I like your house or your landscape more than my own, I can create one for myself just like it. But we don’t do this, because we take pride in our individuality here, and we’d prefer to have things be different rather than the same— By the way, since you don’t have a house yet, let alone a landscape, you’d better share ours.”

“That’s very good of you,” Mr. Spalding said. He was thinking of Oxford. Oxford. Quiet rooms in Balliol. He seemed to hesitate.

"That's really generous of you," Mr. Spalding said. He was thinking about Oxford. Oxford. Quiet rooms in Balliol. He seemed to pause.

“If you’re still sitting on that old grievance of yours, I tell you, once for all, Spalding, I’m not going to express any regret. I’m not sorry, I’m glad I took Elizabeth away from you. I made her more happy than unhappy even on earth. And please notice it’s I who got her into heaven, not you. If she’d stayed with you and hated you, as she would have done, she couldn’t have got in.”

“If you’re still holding onto that old grudge, I’m telling you, once and for all, Spalding, I’m not going to apologize. I’m not sorry; I’m glad I took Elizabeth away from you. I made her happier than she ever was unhappy, even while she was alive. And just so you know, I’m the one who got her into heaven, not you. If she’d stayed with you and resented you, like she would have, she wouldn’t have made it in.”

“I wasn’t thinking of that,” said Mr. Spalding. “I was only wondering where I could put my landscape.”

“I wasn’t thinking about that,” Mr. Spalding said. “I was just wondering where I could place my landscape.”

“How do you mean—‘put’ it?”

“How do you mean—‘post’ it?”

“Place it—so as not to interfere with other people’s landscapes.”

“Put it there—so it doesn’t mess up other people’s views.”

“But how on earth could you interfere? You ‘place’ it, as you call it, in your own space and in your own time.” His own space, his own time—Mr. Spalding got more and more excited.

“But how on earth could you interfere? You ‘put’ it, as you call it, in your own space and in your own time.” His own space, his own time—Mr. Spalding became increasingly excited.

“But—how?”

“But how?”

“Oh, I can’t tell you how. It simply happens.”

“Oh, I can’t explain how. It just happens.”

“But I want to understand it. I—I must understand.”

“But I want to get it. I—I have to get it.”

“You shouldn’t put him off like that, Paul,” Elizabeth said. “He always did want to understand things.”

“You shouldn’t dismiss him like that, Paul,” Elizabeth said. “He always wanted to understand things.”

“But when I don’t understand them myself—”

“But when I don’t get them myself—”

“You’d better take him to Kant, or Hegel.”

"You should take him to Kant or Hegel."

“I should prefer Kant,” said Mr. Spalding.

“I would prefer Kant,” said Mr. Spalding.

“Well, Kant then. You’ll have to get into his state first.”

“Well, Kant then. You’ll need to get into his mindset first.”

“How do I do that?”

“How do I do this?”

“It’s very simple. You just think him up and ask him if you can come in.”

“It’s really easy. You just imagine him and ask if you can come in.”

Elizabeth explained. “Like ringing somebody up, you know, and asking if you can come and call.”

Elizabeth explained, "It's like calling someone up and asking if you can come over."

“Supposing he won’t let me.”

“Assuming he won’t let me.”

“Trust him to say so. Of course, we mayn’t get through. He may have thought off.”

“Trust him to say that. Of course, we might not make it. He may have thought of.”

“You can think off, can you?”

“You can think of, can you?”

“Yes, that’s how you protect yourself. Otherwise life here would be unbearable. Just keep quiet for a second, will you?”

“Yeah, that’s how you keep yourself safe. Otherwise, life here would be unbearable. Can you just be quiet for a second?”

There was an intense silence. Presently Jeffreson said: “Now you’re through.”

There was a heavy silence. After a moment, Jeffreson said, “Now you're done.”

And Mr. Spalding found himself in a white-washed room, scantily furnished with three rows of bookshelves, a writing-table, a table set with mysterious instruments, and two chairs. A shaded lamp on the writing-table gave light. Mr. Spalding had left the umbrella pine country blazing with sunlight, but it seemed that Kant’s time was somewhere about ten o’clock at night. The large window was bared to a dark-blue sky of stars.

And Mr. Spalding found himself in a plain white room, furnished with just three rows of bookshelves, a writing desk, a table with mysterious instruments, and two chairs. A lamp on the writing desk provided light. Mr. Spalding had left the sun-soaked umbrella pine area, but it seemed that Kant’s time was around ten o’clock at night. The large window opened to a deep blue sky filled with stars.

A little, middle-aged man sat at the writing-table. He wore eighteenth-century clothes and a tie wig. The face that looked up at Mr. Spalding was lean and dried, the mouth tight, the eyes shining distantly with a deep, indrawn intelligence. Mr. Spalding understood that he was in the presence of Immanuel Kant.

A small, middle-aged man sat at the writing table. He wore 18th-century clothes and a tied wig. The face that looked up at Mr. Spalding was thin and weathered, the mouth set tight, the eyes shining distantly with deep, reserved intelligence. Mr. Spalding realized that he was in the presence of Immanuel Kant.

“You thought me up?”

"You created me?"

“Forgive me. I am James Spalding, a student of philosophy. I was told that you might, perhaps, be willing to explain to me the—the very extraordinary conditions in which I find myself.”

“Forgive me. I’m James Spalding, a philosophy student. I was told that you might be willing to explain to me the—uh—the very unusual circumstances I’m in.”

“May I ask, Mr. Spalding, if you have paid any particular attention to my philosophy?”

“Can I ask, Mr. Spalding, if you’ve given any special thought to my philosophy?”

“I am one of your most devoted disciples, sir. I refuse to believe that philosophy has made any considerable advance since the Critique of Pure Reason.”

“I am one of your most devoted students, sir. I can't believe that philosophy has made any significant progress since the Critique of Pure Reason.”

“T-t-t. My successor, Hegel, made a very considerable advance. If you have neglected Hegel—”

“T-t-t. My successor, Hegel, made a significant progress. If you’ve overlooked Hegel—”

“Pardon me, I have not. I was once Hegel’s devoted disciple. An entrancing fantasy, the Triple Dialectic. But I came to see that yours, sir, was the safer and the saner system, and that the recurrent tendency of philosophy must be back to Kant.”

“Excuse me, I haven't. I used to be a devoted follower of Hegel. The Triple Dialectic was an enthralling idea. But I realized that your approach, sir, was the safer and more rational system, and that philosophy consistently tends to return to Kant.”

“Better say Forward with him. If you are indeed my disciple, I do not think that conditions here should have struck you as extraordinary.”

“It's better to say to him to move on. If you really are my student, I don’t think the situation here should have seemed unusual to you.”

“They struck me as an extraordinary confirmation of your theory of space and time, sir.”

“They seemed to me like an amazing confirmation of your theory of space and time, sir.”

“They are that. They are that. But they go far beyond anything I ever dreamed of. It was not in my scheme that the Will—to which, if you remember, I gave a purely ethical and pragmatical rôle—that the Will and the imagination of individuals, of you and me, Mr. Spalding, should create their own space and time, and their own objects in space and time. I did not anticipate this multiplicity of spaces and times. In my time there was only one space and one time for everybody.

“They are that. They are that. But they go way beyond anything I ever dreamed of. It wasn't part of my plan that the Will—to which, if you remember, I assigned a purely ethical and practical role—should allow the Will and the imagination of individuals, like you and me, Mr. Spalding, to create their own space and time, along with their own objects in space and time. I didn't expect this variety of spaces and times. In my day, there was only one space and one time for everyone.”

“Still, it is a very remarkable confirmation, and you may imagine, Mr. Spalding, that I was gratified when I first came here to find everybody talking and thinking correctly about time and space. You will have noticed that here we say state, meaning state of consciousness, where we used to say place. In the same way we talk about states of time, meaning time as a state of consciousness. My present state, you will observe, is exactly ten minutes past ten by my clock, which is my consciousness. My consciousness registers time automatically. My own time, mind you, not other people’s.”

“Still, it's a really impressive confirmation, and you can imagine, Mr. Spalding, how pleased I was when I first arrived here to see everyone talking and thinking correctly about time and space. You’ve probably noticed that here we say state, meaning state of consciousness, instead of saying place. Similarly, we talk about states of time, which refers to time as a state of consciousness. My current state, as you'll see, is exactly ten minutes past ten according to my clock, which is my consciousness. My consciousness tracks time automatically. My own time, just so you know, not anyone else’s.”

“But isn’t that frightfully inconvenient? If your time isn’t everybody else’s time, how on earth—I mean how in heaven—do you keep your appointments? How do you co-ordinate?”

“But isn’t that seriously inconvenient? If your schedule isn’t everyone else's schedule, how on earth—I mean how in heaven—do you keep your appointments? How do you coordinate?”

“We keep appointments, we co-ordinate, exactly as we used to do, by a purely arbitrary system. We measure time by space, by events, movements in space-time. Only, whereas under earthly conditions there was apparently one earth and one sun, one day and one night for everybody, here everybody has his own earth, his own sun and his own day and night. So we are obliged to take an ideal earth and sun, an ideal day and night. Their revolutions are measured exactly as we measured them on earth, by the movements of hands on a dial marking minutes and hours. Only our public clocks have five hands marking the revolutions of weeks, months and years. That is our public standardized time, and all appointments are kept, all scientific calculations made by it. The only difference between heaven and earth is that here public space-time is regarded as it really is—an unreal, a purely arbitrary and artificial convention. We know, not as a result of philosophic or mathematical reasoning, but as part of our ordinary conscious experience, that there is no absolute space and no absolute time. I would say no real space and no real time, but that in heaven a state of consciousness carries its own reality with it as such; and the time state or the space state is as real as any other.

“We keep appointments and coordinate just like we used to, using a completely arbitrary system. We measure time by distance, events, and movements in space-time. The difference is that while on Earth there was seemingly one planet and one sun, one day and one night for everyone, here everyone has their own planet, their own sun, and their own day and night. So we have to take an ideal planet and sun, an ideal day and night. Their cycles are measured just like we measured them on Earth, by the movement of hands on a clock marking minutes and hours. Our public clocks, however, have five hands that track the cycles of weeks, months, and years. That's our public standardized time, and all appointments are kept and all scientific calculations are based on it. The only distinction between heaven and earth is that here, public space-time is viewed as it truly is—an unreal, purely arbitrary, and artificial convention. We understand, not through philosophical or mathematical reasoning but as part of our everyday conscious experience, that there is no absolute space and no absolute time. I might say no real space and no real time, but in heaven, a state of consciousness brings its own reality with it; and the state of time or the state of space is as real as anything else.”

“Of course, without an arbitrary public space-time, a public clock, states of consciousness from individual to individual could never be co-ordinated. For example, you have come straight from Mr. Jeffreson’s twelve-noon to my ten o’clock p.m. But the public clock, which you will see out there in the street—we are in Königsberg; I have no visual imagination and must rely entirely on memory for my scenery—the public clock, I say, marks time at a quarter to eight; and if I were asking Mr. Jeffreson to spend the evening with me, the hour would be fixed for us by public time at eight. But he would find himself in my time at ten.

“Of course, without a shared public understanding of time and space, a public clock, the way we experience time would never align from one person to another. For instance, you came directly from Mr. Jeffreson's noon appointment to my 10 p.m. But the public clock, which you can see out there in the street—we're in Königsberg; I can't visualize things well and have to rely totally on memory for my surroundings—the public clock, I mean, shows the time as a quarter to eight; and if I were to invite Mr. Jeffreson to spend the evening with me, our meeting time would be set by the public clock at eight. But he would actually be in my time zone at ten.”

“Now I want to point out to you, Mr. Spalding, that this way of regarding space and time is not so revolutionary as it may appear. I said, if you remember, that under terrestrial conditions there was apparently one earth and one sun, one day and night for everybody. But really, even then, everybody carried about with him his own private space and time, and his own private world in space and time. It was only, even then, by an arbitrary system of mathematical conventions, mostly geometrical, that all these private times and spaces were co-ordinated, so as to constitute one universe. Public clock time, based on the revolutions of bodies in a mathematically determined public space, was as conventional and relative an affair on earth as it is in heaven.

“Now I want to point out to you, Mr. Spalding, that this perspective on space and time isn’t nearly as groundbreaking as it seems. I mentioned before, if you recall, that under earthly conditions, there was apparently one earth and one sun, one day and night for everyone. But really, even back then, each person carried their own private space and time, along with their own personal world in those dimensions. It was only through an arbitrary system of mathematical conventions, mostly geometric ones, that all these individual times and spaces were coordinated to create a single universe. Public clock time, based on the movements of bodies in a mathematically determined public space, was as conventional and relative on earth as it is in the heavens.”

“Our private consciousnesses registered their own times automatically then as now, by the passage of internal events. If events passed quickly, our private time outran clock time; if they dragged, it was behindhand.

“Our private consciousness registered its own time automatically then as now, through the course of internal events. If events moved quickly, our personal time sped ahead of clock time; if they dragged on, it lagged behind.”

“Thus in dream experience there are many more events to the second than in waking experience; and consciousness registers by the tick-tick of events, so that in a dream we may live through crowded hours and days in the fraction of time that coincides with the knock on the door that waked us. It is absurd to say that in this case we do not live in two different time-systems.”

“Thus, in dreams, there are far more events happening every second than in waking life; and our consciousness tracks these events like a ticking clock, so in a dream we can experience packed hours and days in the brief moment that lines up with the knock on the door that woke us. It’s ridiculous to say that in this situation we’re not experiencing two different time systems.”

“Yes, and—” Mr. Spalding cried out excitedly—

“Yes, and—” Mr. Spalding exclaimed excitedly—

“Einstein has proved that motion in public space-time is a purely relative and arbitrary thing, and that the velocity, or time value, of a ray of light moving under different conditions is a constant; when on any theory of absolute time and absolute motion it should be a variant.”

“Einstein has shown that motion in public space-time is completely relative and subjective, and that the speed, or time value, of a ray of light traveling under various conditions is a constant; according to any theory of absolute time and absolute motion, it should vary.”

“That,” said Kant, “is no more than I should have expected.”

“That,” said Kant, “is exactly what I would have expected.”

“You said, sir, that the only distinction between earthly and heavenly conditions is that this artificial character of standardized space-time is recognized in heaven and not on earth. I should have said that the most striking differences were, firstly, that in heaven our experience is created for us by our imagination and our will, whereas on earth it was, in your own word, sir, ‘given.’ Secondly that in heaven our states are not closed as they were on earth, but that anybody can enter anybody else’s. It seems to me that these differences are so great as to surpass anything in our experience on earth.”

“You mentioned, sir, that the only difference between earthly and heavenly conditions is that this artificial nature of standardized space-time is acknowledged in heaven and not on earth. I should have pointed out that the most significant differences are, first, that in heaven our experience is shaped by our imagination and our will, while on earth it was, in your own words, sir, ‘given.’ Secondly, in heaven our states aren’t closed like they are on earth; anyone can enter anyone else’s. It seems to me that these differences are so profound that they exceed anything we’ve experienced on earth.”

“They are not so great,” said Kant, “as all that. In dreaming you already had an experience of a world created by each person for himself in a space and time of his own; a world in which you transcended the conditions of ordinary space and time. In telepathy and clairvoyance you had experience of entering other people’s states.”

“They're not that impressive,” said Kant. “In dreams, you've already experienced a world created by each person for themselves in their own space and time; a world where you go beyond the limits of ordinary space and time. In telepathy and clairvoyance, you’ve experienced entering into other people’s states.”

“But,” Mr. Spalding said, “on earth my consciousness was dependent on a world apparently outside it, arising presumably in God’s consciousness, my body being the ostensible medium. Here, on the contrary, I have my world inside me, created by my consciousness, and my body is not so much a medium as an accessory after the fact.”

“But,” Mr. Spalding said, “on Earth, my consciousness relied on a world that seemed separate from it, probably arising from God’s consciousness, with my body serving as the visible medium. Here, on the other hand, I have my world within me, created by my consciousness, and my body is less of a medium and more of an afterthought.”

“And what inference do you draw, Mr. Spalding?”

“And what conclusion do you draw, Mr. Spalding?”

“Why, that on earth I was nearer God, more dependent on him than in heaven. I seem to have become my own God.”

“Why, I felt closer to God here on earth, more reliant on Him than in heaven. It seems I’ve ended up becoming my own God.”

“Doesn’t it strike you that in becoming more god-like you are actually nearer God? That in this power of your imagination to conceive, this freedom of your will to create your universe, God is cutting a clearer path for himself than through that constrained and obstructed consciousness you had on earth?”

“Doesn’t it seem to you that by becoming more god-like, you are actually closer to God? That in your ability to imagine and your freedom to create your own universe, God is making a clearer way for himself than through the limited and blocked awareness you had on earth?”

“That’s it. When I think of that appalling life of earth, the pain, sir, the horrible pain, the wickedness, the imbecility, the endless struggling through blood and filth, and being beaten, I can’t help wondering how such things can exist in the Absolute, and why the Absolute shouldn’t have put us—or as you would say, thought us into this heavenly state from the beginning.”

"That's it. When I think about that awful life on earth, the pain, sir, the terrible pain, the evil, the stupidity, the never-ending struggle through blood and dirt, and being beaten, I can't help wondering how such things can exist in the Absolute, and why the Absolute didn't just put us—or as you would say, think us—into this heavenly state from the start."

“Do you suppose that any finite intelligence—any finite will could have been trusted, untrained, with the power we have here? Only wills disciplined by struggling against earth’s evil, only intelligences braced by wrestling with earth’s problems are fitted to create universes. You may remember my enthusiasm for the moral law, my Categorical Imperative? It is not diminished. The moral law still holds and always will hold on earth. But I see now it is not an end in itself, only the means to which this power, this freedom is the end.

“Do you think any limited intelligence—any limited will could have been trusted, untrained, with the power we have here? Only wills that have been disciplined by fighting against the world’s evil, only minds strengthened by grappling with the world’s problems are equipped to create universes. You might remember my enthusiasm for the moral law, my Categorical Imperative? It hasn’t lessened. The moral law still exists and always will on earth. But now I see it’s not an end in itself, just the means to which this power, this freedom is the goal.”

“That is how and why pain and evil exist in the Absolute. It is obvious that they cannot exist in it as such, being purely relative to states of terrestrial organisms. That is why the comparatively free wills of terrestrial organisms are permitted to create pain and evil.

“That is how and why pain and evil exist in the Absolute. It’s clear that they can't exist in it as such, being purely relative to the states of earthly beings. That’s why the relatively free wills of earthly beings are allowed to create pain and evil.

“When you talk of such things existing in the Absolute, unchanged and unabridged, you are talking nonsense. You are thinking of pain and evil in terms of one dimension of time and three dimensions of space, by which they are indefinitely multiplied.”

“When you talk about such things existing in the Absolute, unchanged and complete, you’re just talking nonsense. You’re considering pain and evil in one dimension of time and three dimensions of space, which causes them to be multiplied endlessly.”

“How do you mean—one dimension of time?”

“How do you mean—one dimension of time?”

“I mean time taken as linear extension, the pure succession of past, present and future. You think of pain and evil as indefinitely distributed in space and indefinitely repeated in time, whereas in the idea, which is their form of eternity, at their worst they are not many, but one.”

“I mean time as a straight line, a simple flow of past, present, and future. You see pain and evil as spread out endlessly in space and repeated endlessly over time, while in the concept, which represents their eternal nature, at their worst they are not numerous, but one.”

“That doesn’t make them less unbearable.”

"That doesn't make them any less unbearable."

“I am not talking about that. I am talking about their significance for eternity, or in the Absolute, since you said that was what distressed you.

“I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about their importance for eternity, or in the Absolute, since you mentioned that was what troubled you.

“You will see this for yourself if you will come with me into the state of three dimensional time.”

“You'll see this for yourself if you come with me into the realm of three-dimensional time.”

“What’s that?” said Mr. Spalding, deeply intrigued. “That,” said the philosopher, “is time which is not linear succession, time which has turned on itself twice to take up the past and future into its present. For as the point is repeated to form the line of space, so the instant is repeated to form the linear time of past, present, future. And as the one-dimensional line turns at right angles to itself to form the two-dimensional plane, so linear or one-dimensional time turns on itself to form two-dimensional or plane time, the past-present, or present-future. And as the plane turns on itself to form the cube, so past-present and present-future double back to meet each other and form cubic time, or past-present-future all together.

“What’s that?” Mr. Spalding asked, deeply curious. “That,” the philosopher replied, “is time that isn’t just a straight line; it’s time that has looped back on itself twice to include the past and future in its present. Just like a point is repeated to create a line in space, an instant is repeated to create the linear concept of time with past, present, and future. And just as a one-dimensional line bends at right angles to form a two-dimensional plane, linear or one-dimensional time folds back on itself to create two-dimensional or planar time, combining past and present, or present and future. Similarly, as the plane curves to form a cube, the past-present and present-future converge to meet each other, creating cubic time, or the entirety of past, present, and future together.

“This is the three dimensional state of consciousness we shall have to think ourselves into.”

“This is the three-dimensional state of awareness we need to immerse ourselves in.”

“Do you mean to say that if we get into it we shall have solved the riddle of the universe?”

“Are you saying that if we figure this out, we will have solved the mystery of the universe?”

“Hardly. The universe is a tremendous jig-saw puzzle. If God wanted to keep us amused to all eternity, he couldn’t have hit on anything better. We shall not be able to stay very long, or to take in all past-present-future at once. But you will see enough to realize what cubic time is. You will begin with one small cubic section, which will gradually enlarge until you have taken in as much cubic time as you can hold together in one duration.

“Hardly. The universe is an enormous jigsaw puzzle. If God wanted to keep us entertained forever, He couldn’t have come up with anything better. We won’t be able to stay very long or grasp all past-present-future at once. But you’ll see enough to understand what cubic time is. You’ll start with one small cubic section, which will gradually expand until you can comprehend as much cubic time as you can hold together in one duration."

“Look out through that window. You see that cart coming down the street. It will have to pass Herr Schmidt’s house opposite and the ‘Prussian Soldier,’ and that grocer’s shop and the clock before it gets to the church.

“Look out that window. Do you see that cart coming down the street? It will have to go past Herr Schmidt’s house across the way, the ‘Prussian Soldier,’ that grocery store, and the clock before it reaches the church.

“Now you’ll see what’ll happen.”

“Now you'll see what happens.”

III
III

What Mr. Spalding saw was the sudden stoppage of the cart, which now appeared as standing simultaneously at each station, Herr Schmidt’s house, the inn, the grocery, the clock, the church and the side street up which it had not yet turned.

What Mr. Spalding saw was the sudden stop of the cart, which now seemed to be standing still at each location: Herr Schmidt’s house, the inn, the grocery store, the clock, the church, and the side street it hadn’t turned onto yet.

In this vision solid objects became transparent, so that he saw the side street through the intervening houses. In the same way, distributed in space as on a Mercator’s projection, he saw all the subsequent stations of the cart, up to its arrival in a farmyard between a stable and a haystack. In the same duration of time, which was his present, he saw the townspeople moving in their houses, eating, smoking and going to bed, and the peasants in their farms and cottages, and the household of the Graf in his castle. These figures retained all their positions while the amazing experience lasted.

In this vision, solid objects turned transparent, allowing him to see the side street through the houses. Similarly, spread out in space like a Mercator projection, he saw all the upcoming stops of the cart until it reached a farmyard between a stable and a haystack. During that same period, which was his present, he observed the townspeople inside their homes, eating, smoking, and going to bed, as well as the farmers in their fields and cottages, and the household of the Graf in his castle. These figures held their positions for the duration of the incredible experience.

The scene widened. It became all Königsberg, and Königsberg became all Prussia, and Prussia all Europe. Mr. Spalding seemed to have eyes at the sides and back of his head. He saw time rising up round him as an immense cubic space. He was aware of the French Revolution, the Napoleonic wars, the Franco-Prussian war, the establishment of the French Republic, the Boer war, the death of Queen Victoria, the accession and death of King Edward VII., the accession of King George V., the Great War, the Russian and German Revolutions, the rise of the Irish Republic, the Indian Republic, the British Revolution, the British Republic, the conquest of Japan by America, and the federation of the United States of Europe and America, all going on at once.

The scene expanded. It became all of Königsberg, and Königsberg became all of Prussia, and Prussia all of Europe. Mr. Spalding seemed to have eyes on the sides and back of his head. He perceived time rising up around him as a massive cubic space. He was aware of the French Revolution, the Napoleonic wars, the Franco-Prussian war, the establishment of the French Republic, the Boer war, the death of Queen Victoria, the rise and fall of King Edward VII, the accession of King George V, the Great War, the Russian and German Revolutions, the emergence of the Irish Republic, the Indian Republic, the British Revolution, the British Republic, the conquest of Japan by America, and the federation of the United States of Europe and America, all happening at once.

The scene stretched and stretched, and still Mr. Spalding kept before him every item as it had first appeared. He was now aware of the vast periods of geologic time. On the past side he saw the mammoth and the caveman; on the future he saw the Atlantic flooding the North Sea and submerging the flats of Lincolnshire, Cambridgeshire, Norfolk, Suffolk, Essex, and Kent. He saw the giant tree-ferns; he saw the great saurians trampling the marshlands and sea-beaches of the past. A flight of fearful pterodactyls darkened the air. And he saw the ice creep down and down from the poles to the vast temperate zone of Europe, America and Australasia; he saw men and animals driven before it to the belt of the equator.

The scene went on and on, and Mr. Spalding maintained a clear vision of everything as it had first appeared. He became aware of the enormous stretches of geological time. On the past side, he saw the mammoth and the caveman; on the future side, he witnessed the Atlantic flooding the North Sea and covering the lowlands of Lincolnshire, Cambridgeshire, Norfolk, Suffolk, Essex, and Kent. He saw the massive tree-ferns; he saw the great dinosaurs trampling the wetlands and beaches of the past. A swarm of terrifying pterodactyls darkened the sky. He also saw the ice slowly creeping down from the poles into the vast temperate regions of Europe, America, and Australasia; he saw men and animals being forced ahead of it toward the equatorial belt.

And now he sank down deeper; he was swept into the stream that flowed, thudding and throbbing, through all live things; he felt it beat in and around him, jet after jet from the beating heart of God; he felt the rising of the sap in trees, the delight of animals at mating-time. He knew the joy that made Jerry, the black cat, dance on his hind legs and bow sideways and wave his forelegs like wings. The stars whirled past him with a noise like violin strings, and through it he heard the voice of Paul Jeffreson, singing a song. He was aware of an immense, all-pervading rapture pierced with stabs of pain. At the same time he was drawn back on the ebb of life into a curious peace.

And now he sank deeper; he was pulled into the flow that surged, pounding and pulsing, through all living things; he felt it throb in and around him, wave after wave from the beating heart of God; he sensed the sap rising in trees, the excitement of animals during mating season. He experienced the joy that made Jerry, the black cat, dance on his hind legs, bow sideways, and wave his front legs like wings. The stars swirled past him with a sound like violin strings, and through it, he heard Paul Jeffreson’s voice singing a song. He felt an immense, all-encompassing bliss pierced with moments of pain. At the same time, he was pulled back on the tide of life into a strange peace.

His stretch widened. He was present at the beginning and the end. He saw the earth flung off, an incandescent ball, from the wheeling sun. He saw it hang like a dead white moon in a sky strewn with the corpses of spent worlds. But to his surprise he saw no darkness. He learned that light is older than the suns; that they are born of it, not it of them. The whole universe stood up on end round him, doubling all its future back upon all its past.

His reach expanded. He witnessed the beginning and the end. He saw the earth being cast off, a glowing sphere, from the spinning sun. He saw it hang like a lifeless white moon in a sky scattered with the remains of burnt-out worlds. But to his surprise, he saw no darkness. He discovered that light is older than the suns; that the suns come from it, not the other way around. The entire universe stood on its head around him, bringing all its future back into all its past.

He saw the vast planes of time intersecting each other, like the planes of a sphere, wheeling, turning in and out of each other. He saw other space and time systems rising up, toppling, enclosing and enclosed. And as a tiny inset in the immense scene, his own life from birth to the present moment, together with the events of his heavenly life to come. In this vision Elizabeth’s adultery, which had once appeared so monstrous, so overpowering an event, was revealed as slender and insignificant.

He saw the vast planes of time crossing each other, like the planes of a sphere, spinning, rising and falling in and out of one another. He saw other systems of space and time emerging, collapsing, enclosing, and being enclosed. And as a small part of the enormous scene, his own life from birth to now, along with the events of his future life in heaven. In this vision, Elizabeth’s affair, which had once seemed so monstrous and overwhelming, appeared small and insignificant.

And now the universe dissolved into the ultimate constituents of matter, electrons of electrons of electrons, an unseen web, intensely vibrating, stretched through all space and all time. He saw it sucked back into the space of space, the time of time, into the thought of God.

And now the universe broke down into the basic building blocks of matter, electrons of electrons of electrons, an invisible web, intensely vibrating, stretched across all space and all time. He watched it get drawn back into the space of space, the time of time, into the mind of God.

Mr. Spalding was drawn in with it. He passed from God’s immanent to his transcendent life, into the Absolute. For one moment he thought that this was death; the next his whole being swelled and went on swelling in an unspeakable, an unthinkable bliss.

Mr. Spalding was caught up in it. He moved from God's presence to his ultimate life, into the Absolute. For a moment, he thought this was death; the next, his entire being expanded and continued to expand in an indescribable, unimaginable bliss.

Joined with him, vibrating with him in one tremendous rapture, were the spirits of Elizabeth and Paul Jeffreson. He had now no memory of their adultery or of his own.

Joined with him, resonating with him in one overwhelming joy, were the spirits of Elizabeth and Paul Jeffreson. He now had no recollection of their affair or his own.

When he came out of his ecstasy he was aware that God was spinning his thought again, stretching the web of matter through space and time.

When he came out of his ecstasy, he realized that God was reshaping his thoughts again, weaving the fabric of matter through space and time.

He was going to make another jig-saw puzzle of a universe.

He was about to create another jigsaw puzzle of a universe.

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