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PARODIES
OF THE WORKS OF
OF THE WORKS OF
ENGLISH AND AMERICAN AUTHORS,
COLLECTED AND ANNOTATED BY
COLLECTED AND ANNOTATED BY
WALTER HAMILTON,
Fellow of the Royal Geographical and Royal Historical Societies;
Author of “A History of National Anthems and Patriotic Songs,” “A Memoir of George Cruikshank”
“The Poets Laureate of England,” “The Æsthetic Movement in England,” etc.
Fellow of the Royal Geographical and Royal Historical Societies;
Author of “A History of National Anthems and Patriotic Songs,” “A Memoir of George Cruikshank”
“The Poets Laureate of England,” “The Aesthetic Movement in England,” etc.
VOLUME VI.
VOLUME VI.
CONTAINING PARODIES OF
FEATURING PARODIES OF
A. C. Swinburne. G. R. Sims. Robert Browning.
A. C. Swinburne. G. R. Sims. Robert Browning.
F. Locker-Lampson. Austin Dobson. Dante G. Rossetti.
F. Locker-Lampson. Austin Dobson. Dante G. Rossetti.
OSCAR WILDE. J. DRYDEN. A. POPE. MARTIN F. TUPPER.
OSCAR WILDE. J. DRYDEN. A. POPE. MARTIN F. TUPPER.
Ballades, Rondeaus, Villanelles, Triolets.
Ballads, Rondeaus, Villanelles, Triolets.
NURSERY RHYMES AND CHILDREN’S SONGS.
Kids' songs and nursery rhymes.
PARODIES AND POEMS IN PRAISE OF TOBACCO.
Parodies and Poems Celebrating Tobacco.
PROSE PARODIES.
PROSE PARODIES.
SLANG, FLASH, AND CANT SONGS.
Slang, flashy, and cant songs.
RELIGIOUS AND POLITICAL PARODIES.
Religion and politics parodies.
Bibliography of Parody, and Dramatic Burlesques
Bibliography of Parody and Dramatic Burlesques
REEVES & TURNER, 196, STRAND, LONDON, W.C.
REEVES & TURNER, 196, STRAND, LONDON, W.C.
1889.
1889.
PREFACE.
t is now a little more than six years since this publication was commenced, and
the completion of the Sixth Volume enables me to say that nearly every Parody
of literary merit, or importance, has been mentioned in its pages, whilst some
thousands of the best have been given in full.
t has been just over six years since this publication started, and with the completion of the Sixth Volume, I can say that nearly every parody of literary value or significance has been included in its pages, while some thousands of the best have been presented in full.
To form such a collection required not only an intimate knowledge of English Poetical Literature, but involved the reference to many very rare and scarce books, English, American, and Colonial.
To create such a collection, it took not just a deep understanding of English poetry, but also the need to look at many very rare and hard-to-find books, from England, America, and the Colonies.
I beg to offer my sincere thanks to the Authors who kindly permitted their copyright poems to be inserted in this volume, particularly to F. Locker-Lampson, Esq., and G. R. Sims, Esq., as well as to the following gentlemen, for copies of Parodies and other information they have afforded—Messrs. Cuthbert Bede, G. H. Brierley, of Cardiff; F. W. Crawford, T. F. Dillon Croker, Frank Howell, J. H. Ingram, Walter Parke, F. B. Perkins, of San Francisco; C. H. Stephenson, C. H. Waring, and Gleeson White.
I want to express my heartfelt thanks to the Authors who generously allowed their copyrighted poems to be included in this collection, especially to F. Locker-Lampson, Esq., and G. R. Sims, Esq., as well as to the following gentlemen for sharing copies of Parodies and other helpful information—Messrs. Cuthbert Bede, G. H. Brierley from Cardiff; F. W. Crawford, T. F. Dillon Croker, Frank Howell, J. H. Ingram, Walter Parke, F. B. Perkins from San Francisco; C. H. Stephenson, C. H. Waring, and Gleeson White.
In nearly every case the permission of the authors has been obtained for the re-publication of their Parodies; in the few instances where this was not done, it was owing to the impossibility of finding the author’s address.
In almost every case, the authors have granted permission for their Parodies to be re-published; in the few instances where this didn't happen, it was due to the inability to locate the author's address.
During the progress of the work, some further Parodies appeared of Authors already dealt with, it is proposed to include these in a supplementary volume, which will be published at some future date.
During the development of the work, some additional parodies of authors we've already covered emerged, and we plan to include these in a supplementary volume, which will be released at a later date.
It is believed that the ample Bibliographical information relating to Parodies and Burlesques contained in this volume will be specially useful to Librarians, Managers of Penny Readings, and Professors of Elocution.
It is thought that the extensive bibliographical information on parodies and burlesques in this volume will be especially helpful for librarians, managers of penny readings, and professors of elocution.
Editors of Provincial Papers who offer prizes for Literary compositions should be on their guard against unscrupulous persons who copy Parodies from this Collection, and send them in as original compositions.
Editors of provincial newspapers offering prizes for literary works should be cautious of dishonest individuals who copy parodies from this collection and submit them as original compositions.
In much of the compilation, and especially those portions requiring the exercise of taste, and in the somewhat dreary process of proof reading, I have been greatly assisted by my wife, whose cheerful co-operation in all my labours adds just the zest which renders Life worth living.
In much of this compilation, especially in the parts that need a touch of taste, and during the somewhat tedious process of proofreading, I’ve been greatly helped by my wife, whose cheerful support in all my work adds the excitement that makes life worth living.
Whilst bidding my subscribers Farewell, I wish to add that the subject of Parodies will continue to engage my attention, and that I shall always be grateful for any information, or examples, that may be sent to me, addressed to the care of Messrs. Reeves and Turner.
While bidding my subscribers Farewell, I want to add that I will keep focusing on the subject of Parodies, and I will always appreciate any information or examples that you send my way, addressed to the care of Messrs. Reeves and Turner.
WALTER HAMILTON.
WALTER HAMILTON.
Christmas, 1889.
Christmas, 1889.
Algernon Charles Swinburne.
r. Swinburne, son of Admiral
Charles Henry Swinburne, and
grandson of Sir John Edward
Swinburne, sixth baronet, was born
in 1838, and educated first at Eton, and
afterwards at Oxford.
r. Swinburne, son of Admiral Charles Henry Swinburne and grandson of Sir John Edward Swinburne, the sixth baronet, was born in 1838. He was initially educated at Eton and later at Oxford.
Despite his ancient pedigree, his aristocratic connections, and his university education, the early writings of Mr. A. C. Swinburne, both in prose and verse, were coloured by Radical opinions of the most advanced description. Byron, Shelley, Wordsworth and Southey commenced thus, with results which should have taught him how unwise it is for a poet, who wishes to be widely read, to descend into the heated atmosphere of political strife.
Despite his long-standing background, aristocratic ties, and university education, the early writings of Mr. A. C. Swinburne, both in prose and verse, reflected Radical opinions of the most extreme kind. Byron, Shelley, Wordsworth, and Southey started this way, and their outcomes should have shown him how unwise it is for a poet who wants to be widely read to get involved in the heated atmosphere of political conflict.
The Undergraduate Papers, published by Mr. Mansell, Oxford, 1857-8, contained some of Mr. Swinburne’s earliest poems, these were followed by “Atalanta in Calydon,” “Chastelard,” and “Poems and Ballads.”
The Undergraduate Papers, published by Mr. Mansell, Oxford, 1857-8, included some of Mr. Swinburne’s earliest poems, which were followed by “Atalanta in Calydon,” “Chastelard,” and “Poems and Ballads.”
It will be readily understood that only a few brief extracts can be given from Mr. Swinburne’s poems, sufficient merely to strike the key notes of the Parodies.
It will be clear that only a few short excerpts can be provided from Mr. Swinburne’s poems, enough to capture the main ideas of the Parodies.
THE CREATION OF MAN.
THE CREATION OF HUMANS.
Shilling Dreadfuls.
Penny Dreadfuls.
“A nervous and well red-wigged gentleman, Mr. Allburnon-Charles Swingbun, ran excitedly to our rescue, and rhapsodically chaunted the following chorus from his ‘Atlas in Paddington’:
“A nervous guy with a bright red wig, Mr. Allburnon-Charles Swingbun, rushed over to help us and enthusiastically sang the following chorus from his ‘Atlas in Paddington’:”
A chorus in “Atalanta in Calydon” commences:—
A chorus in “Atalanta in Calydon” begins:—
This passage was thus parodied by Mr. Austin Dobson:—
This passage was thus parodied by Mr. Austin Dobson:—
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The peculiar metre in which “Dolores” and the Dedication of the “Poems and Ballads” Volume are written, although it invites parody, is difficult to imitate successfully. The ending line of each stanza abruptly cut short is a trick in composition which few but Mr. Swinburne himself have thoroughly mastered.
The unique meter in which “Dolores” and the Dedication of the “Poems and Ballads” Volume are written, while it invites parody, is hard to replicate successfully. The last line of each stanza, which is suddenly cut off, is a technique in composition that only a few, besides Mr. Swinburne himself, have fully mastered.
The following stanzas from the Dedication will enable readers to perceive how closely they have been parodied by Mr. Pollock.
The following stanzas from the Dedication will help readers see how closely they have been parodied by Mr. Pollock.
“Dedication to J. S.”
“Dedication to J. S.”
This parody, dedicated to the notorious “John Stiles,” of the old law-books, was written by Mr. Pollock, and originally appeared in The Pall Mall Gazette. It has since been included in a small volume (published by Macmillan & Co., London, 1875) entitled “Leading Cases done into English,” by an apprentice of Lincoln’s Inn.
This parody, dedicated to the infamous “John Stiles” from the old law books, was written by Mr. Pollock and first appeared in The Pall Mall Gazette. It has since been included in a small volume (published by Macmillan & Co., London, 1875) titled “Leading Cases done into English,” by an apprentice of Lincoln’s Inn.
This “J. S.” was a mythical person introduced for the purposes of illustration, and constantly met with in old law books and reports. His devotion to Rome is shown by his desperate attempts to get there in three days: “If J. S. shall go to Rome in three days,” was then a standing example of an impossible condition, which modern science has robbed of most of its point.
This “J. S.” was a fictional character created for illustration, frequently found in old law books and reports. His dedication to Rome is evident in his frantic efforts to reach it in three days: “If J. S. goes to Rome in three days,” was then a classic example of an impossible scenario, which modern science has rendered somewhat less significant.
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THE BALLAD OF BURDENS.
The Burdens Ballad.
This poem will be found on page 144 of Mr. Swinburne’s Poems and Ballads (first series). It is one of his best known ballads, and in 1879 it was chosen by the editor of The World as the model on which to found parodies describing the wet and gloomy summer of that year.
This poem is on page 144 of Mr. Swinburne’s Poems and Ballads (first series). It’s one of his most famous ballads, and in 1879, the editor of The World selected it as the example for creating parodies about the rainy and dreary summer of that year.
The successful poems in the competition were printed in The World, July 16, 1879. The first prize was won by a well known London Architect, the second by a Dublin gentleman who has since published several amusing Volumes of light poems.
The winning poems in the competition were published in The World, July 16, 1879. The first prize was awarded to a famous London architect, and the second went to a gentleman from Dublin who has since released several entertaining volumes of light poetry.
This parody was afterwards included in A Book of Jousts, edited by James M. Lowry. London, Field and Tuer.
This parody was later included in A Book of Jousts, edited by James M. Lowry. London, Field and Tuer.
5
This second Ballade of Cricket was included in a collection of “Ballades and Rondeaus” edited by Mr. Gleeson White, and published by Walter Scott, London, 1887.
This second Ballade of Cricket was included in a collection of “Ballades and Rondeaus” edited by Mr. Gleeson White and published by Walter Scott, London, 1887.
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Parodies of
DOLORES.
Parodies of
DOLORES.
Dolores.
Dolores.
[Miss Dolores Lleonart-y-Casanovas, M.D., has just, at the age of 19, taken her doctor’s degree at Barcelona. July, 1886.]
[Miss Dolores Lleonart y Casanovas, M.D., has just, at the age of 19, earned her medical degree in Barcelona. July, 1886.]
This parody originally appeared, anonymously, in “The Shotover Papers, or, Echoes from Oxford.” 1874.
This parody first appeared anonymously in “The Shotover Papers, or, Echoes from Oxford.” 1874.
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A MATCH.
A game.
One of the cleverest parodies on Swinburne was written by the late Mr. Tom Hood, the younger, on the above named poem, and first appeared in Fun, whence it has frequently been copied without proper acknowledgment.
One of the smartest parodies of Swinburne was written by the late Mr. Tom Hood, the younger, about the poem mentioned above, and it first appeared in Fun, where it has often been copied without proper credit.
The parody will be better appreciated after reading a few stanzas of the original which, as will be observed, is written in a difficult and very uncommon metre:
The parody will be understood better after reading a few stanzas of the original, which, as you'll notice, is written in a challenging and very unusual meter:
IF!
IF!
As a parody this is scarcely inferior to that of Mr. Tom Hood, but the poet has let the sound run away from the sense, and has forgotten that a wit who is always a radiant wit is apt to become tiresome; whilst if “wine were always iced,” all red wines would greatly suffer, especially Port and Burgundy.
As a parody, this is hardly worse than Mr. Tom Hood's, but the poet has let the sound overshadow the meaning and has forgotten that a wit who is always clever can become annoying; just like if “wine were always iced,” all red wines would really suffer, especially Port and Burgundy.
From Dublin Doggerels, by Edwin Hamilton, M.A. Dublin. C. Smyth, Dame Street. 1877.
From Dublin Doggerels, by Edwin Hamilton, M.A. Dublin. C. Smyth, Dame Street. 1877.
From Lunatic Lyrics, by Alfred Greenland, Junior. London, Tinsley Brothers. 1882.
From Lunatic Lyrics, by Alfred Greenland, Junior. London, Tinsley Brothers. 1882.
an Æsthete’s room “while the sun shines.”)
In Pictures at Play, by two Art-Critics, illustrated by Harry Furniss (Longmans, Green & Co.), a dialogue is given between a portrait of Mr. Gladstone by Frank Holl (No. 499), and a bust of the same gentleman by Albert Toft (No. 1,928). The Bust (supposed to represent Mr. Gladstone in his younger days) thus addresses the Portrait:—
In Pictures at Play, by two art critics and illustrated by Harry Furniss (Longmans, Green & Co.), there’s a conversation between a portrait of Mr. Gladstone by Frank Holl (No. 499) and a bust of the same man by Albert Toft (No. 1,928). The bust, which is meant to depict Mr. Gladstone in his younger days, speaks to the portrait:—
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In October 1885 the English Illustrated Magazine published a short poem by Mr. Swinburne, which the Editor of the Weekly Dispatch shortly afterwards reprinted, in his competition column, and invited Parodies upon it:—
In October 1885, the English Illustrated Magazine published a short poem by Mr. Swinburne, which the Editor of the Weekly Dispatch soon reprinted in his competition column and invited parodies on it:—
THE INTERPRETERS.
The Interpreters.
Three of the competition poems were printed in the Weekly Dispatch, October, 18, 1885, the first prize was awarded to the following:—
Three of the competition poems were printed in the Weekly Dispatch, October 18, 1885, and the first prize was awarded to the following:—
Highly commended:—
Highly praised:—
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The Family Herald (London) for July 28, 1888, contained an amusing article on Parodies, from which the following is an extract:
The Family Herald (London) for July 28, 1888, contained an amusing article on Parodies, from which the following is an extract:
“But we wish to get away from well-trodden tracks, and we will for once forsake our usual purely didactic groove in order that we may give our readers an idea of what we regard as artistic drollery, Take this dreadful imitation of Mr. Swinburne’s manner. The parodist seems to have genuinely enjoyed his work; and we have no doubt but that Mr. Swinburne laughed as heartily as anybody. The poet is supposed to be attending a wedding of distinguished persons in Westminster Abbey, and the naughty scoffer represents him as bursting forth with the following rather alarming clarion call—
“But we want to break away from the usual paths, and for a change, we will step away from our typical purely educational approach to give our readers an idea of what we consider artistic humor. Check out this awful imitation of Mr. Swinburne’s style. The parodist seems to have genuinely enjoyed his work, and we have no doubt that Mr. Swinburne laughed just as hard as anyone. The poet is supposed to be at the wedding of some notable people in Westminster Abbey, and the cheeky mocker depicts him as bursting out with the following rather shocking clarion call—
A masterpiece! And there is not a touch of malignity in the lines; the poet’s curious way of writing occasionally in the Hebraic style, his vagueness, his peculiar mode of procuring musical effects, are all picked out and shown with a smile. No one has quite equalled Caldecott, but this anonymous wit runs him hard.”
A masterpiece! And there’s not a hint of malice in the lines; the poet’s unique way of occasionally writing in a Hebraic style, his ambiguity, and his distinctive approach to creating musical effects are all highlighted with a smile. No one has quite matched Caldecott, but this anonymous talent gives him a run for his money.
Unfortunately the author of the article omits to state the source from whence he derived the parody he praises so highly.
Unfortunately, the author of the article fails to mention the source from which he got the parody he praises so much.
This Parody originally appeared in Scribner’s Monthly, May, 1881, with imitations of Bret Harte, Austin Dobson, Oliver Goldsmith, and Walt Whitman. They were afterwards republished in a volume, entitled Airs from Arcady, by H. C. Bunner. London, Charles Hutt, 1885.
This parody originally appeared in Scribner’s Monthly, May 1881, featuring imitations of Bret Harte, Austin Dobson, Oliver Goldsmith, and Walt Whitman. They were later republished in a book titled Airs from Arcady, by H. C. Bunner. London, Charles Hutt, 1885.
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The University News Sheet. St. Andrews, N. B. March 31, 1886.
The University News Sheet. St. Andrews, N. B. March 31, 1886.
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(A.D. 1875).
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From S. Thompson’s Collection of Poems. Chicago. 1886.
From S. Thompson’s Collection of Poems. Chicago. 1886.
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From a scarce little pamphlet entitled “Poems and Parodies, by Two Undergrads.” Oxford. B. H. Blackwell, 1880. Price one shilling.
From a small pamphlet titled “Poems and Parodies, by Two Undergrads.” Oxford. B. H. Blackwell, 1880. Price one shilling.
From an article by Mr. Justin H. McCarthy, which appeared in Belgravia (London). March, 1880.
From an article by Mr. Justin H. McCarthy, which appeared in Belgravia (London), March 1880.
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BALLAD OF DREAMLAND.
Dreamland Ballad.
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The following parody appeared in The Tomahawk (London) on the occasion of a visit paid by Ada Isaacs Menken to M. Alexandre Dumas, in Paris. “Miss Menken,” who was really the wife of John C. Heenan the pugilist, will be best remembered for her appearance (in very scanty attire) as “Mazeppa,” at Astley’s Theatre. She had a fine stage appearance, but was a very indifferent actress. She published a small volume of poems, entitled Infelicia, which is now eagerly sought after by collectors, because it contains an introduction written by Charles Dickens.
The following parody was published in The Tomahawk (London) during a visit by Ada Isaacs Menken to M. Alexandre Dumas in Paris. “Miss Menken,” who was actually the wife of pugilist John C. Heenan, is best remembered for her role (in revealing clothing) as “Mazeppa” at Astley’s Theatre. She had a striking stage presence but was a pretty mediocre actress. She released a small collection of poems called Infelicia, which is now highly sought after by collectors because it includes an introduction by Charles Dickens.
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On page 9, an imitation of Mr. Swinburne’s style written by Mr. Walter Parke, was given; the following, which is a parody of Dolores, appears in “Lays of the Saintly,” (London, Vizetelly & Co.), a clever work written by the same gentleman:—
On page 9, there was a piece in the style of Mr. Swinburne written by Mr. Walter Parke; the following, which parodies Dolores, is found in “Lays of the Saintly,” (London, Vizetelly & Co.), a clever work by the same gentleman:—
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In 1872, the late Mr. Mortimer Collins published “The British Birds, a communication from the Ghost of Aristophanes.” Extracts from this very clever satire are still often quoted. The following passages contain parodies of A. C. Swinburne, Robert Browning, and Alfred Tennyson, whose identities are thinly veiled under the names of Brow, Beard, and Hair.
In 1872, the late Mr. Mortimer Collins published “The British Birds, a message from the Ghost of Aristophanes.” Excerpts from this sharp satire are still frequently quoted. The following passages include parodies of A. C. Swinburne, Robert Browning, and Alfred Tennyson, whose identities are subtly disguised as Brow, Beard, and Hair.
Scene. In the Clouds.
Scene. In the Clouds.
Peisthetairus, discovered.
Peisthetairus, found out.
(Enter three Poets, all handsome. One hath redundant hair, a second redundant beard, a third redundant brow. They present a letter of introduction from an eminent London publisher, stating that they are candidates for the important post of Poet Laureate to the New Municipality which the Birds are about to create.)
(Enter three Poets, all good-looking. One has extra hair, the second has a large beard, and the third has a prominent forehead. They present a letter of introduction from a well-known London publisher, stating that they are candidates for the important position of Poet Laureate for the New Municipality that the Birds are about to create.)
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Understood! Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize.
The first edition of The British Birds soon went out of print, and became very scarce. But in December, 1885, Mrs. Mortimer Collins wrote a letter to the editor of Parodies, which has now a melancholy interest:—“I believe copies of British Birds can still be had at Mr. Bentley’s, as I brought out a second edition there some eight years ago. Yes, there are some parodies of Swinburne, Tennyson and Browning. But the best known bits of the book are not parodies, unless you call the whole book a parody of Aristophanes.
The first edition of The British Birds quickly went out of print and became quite rare. However, in December 1885, Mrs. Mortimer Collins wrote a letter to the editor of Parodies, which now holds a sad significance: “I believe copies of British Birds can still be found at Mr. Bentley's, as I released a second edition there about eight years ago. Yes, there are some parodies of Swinburne, Tennyson, and Browning. But the best-known parts of the book aren’t parodies, unless you consider the entire book a parody of Aristophanes.”
“The ‘Positivists’ is the most famous piece in the book, containing the lines:—
“The ‘Positivists’ is the most well-known piece in the book, containing the lines:—
“and ‘Skymaking’ is another oft quoted bit. I thought, perhaps, that you had written parodies on these; though it seemed unlikely, because satiric verse does not lend itself to parody. I am always interested in anything connected with my husband’s works, because I truly believe in his genius. I may perhaps be somewhat partial in my judgment, for Mortimer was a more brilliant talker than writer. Day after day I enjoyed his wit, and I used to be so sorry there were not more to hear it: but he was quite content with his audience of one.
“‘Skymaking’ is another often quoted piece. I thought, maybe, that you had written parodies of these; though it seemed unlikely since satirical verse doesn’t really work for parody. I’m always interested in anything related to my husband’s work because I truly believe in his genius. I might be a bit biased in my opinion since Mortimer was a more brilliant speaker than a writer. Day after day, I enjoyed his wit and often wished there were more people to hear it, but he was perfectly happy with an audience of one.”
“My husband has written many parodies. If you would like to quote them I can refer you to them.”
“My husband has written a lot of parodies. If you want to quote them, I can point you in the right direction.”
But this kind offer of assistance was not to be fulfilled, for Mrs. Collins complained at the end of the letter of her failing strength, and in less than three months she passed away.
But this kind offer of help was not meant to be, as Mrs. Collins mentioned at the end of the letter that her strength was fading, and in less than three months, she passed away.
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A MATCH.
A game.
This Parody appeared in Punch, (June 18, 1881), at the time when the Æsthetic revival in art and literature was the subject of much undeserved ridicule, because of the absurd extent to which it was carried by a few senseless fanatics.
This parody appeared in Punch, (June 18, 1881), during a time when the Aesthetic revival in art and literature was getting a lot of unfair mockery due to the ridiculous lengths to which some foolish zealots took it.
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by the Cynic Poet Laureate,
Alg-ron-n Sw-enb-orne.)
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The following is a parody of another favourite metre of Mr. Swinburne, which has been sent in, unfortunately without any information as to when and where it originally appeared:—
The following is a parody of another favorite meter of Mr. Swinburne, which has been submitted, regrettably without any details about when and where it first appeared:—
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In 1880, Messrs. Chatto and Windus, of Piccadilly, published an anonymous volume of Poems, entitled “The Heptalogia, or the seven against sense, a cap with Seven Bells.” In this there are parodies of Robert Browning, Tennyson, Coventry Patmore, and others, but it is more than doubtful whether the general public appreciated the sarcasm of these clever skits. Amongst reading men much curiosity was felt as to the author, but in answer to enquiries on the subject, the publishers replied they were not at liberty to mention the author’s name. Eventually public opinion assigned the work to Mr. Swinburne, although it contains an exquisite parody on his own style, entitled Nephelidia. This is a charming specimen of rhythmical, musical nonsense. A few of the opening lines may be quoted, without injury to themselves, or to the rest of the poem, as the conclusion is perfectly irrelevant to the beginning, or to anything else:—
In 1880, Messrs. Chatto and Windus, located on Piccadilly, published an anonymous collection of Poems titled “The Heptalogia, or the Seven Against Sense, a Cap with Seven Bells.” This work includes parodies of Robert Browning, Tennyson, Coventry Patmore, and others, but it's questionable whether the general public caught the sarcasm in these clever sketches. Among literary circles, there was a lot of curiosity about the author, but when asked about it, the publishers said they couldn’t reveal the author's name. Eventually, people came to believe that Mr. Swinburne was the writer, even though it includes a beautiful parody of his own style called Nephelidia. This is a delightful example of rhythmic, musical nonsense. A few of the opening lines can be quoted without harming themselves or the rest of the poem, since the conclusion is completely unrelated to the beginning or anything else:—
Another parody, which was generally attributed to Mr. Swinburne, appeared in The Fortnightly Review for December, 1881. It was entitled “Disgust; a Dramatic Monologue,” and was a parody of Tennyson’s “Despair, a Dramatic Monologue” published in The Nineteenth Century, November, 1881.
Another parody, which was commonly credited to Mr. Swinburne, was published in The Fortnightly Review in December 1881. It was titled “Disgust; a Dramatic Monologue,” and was a parody of Tennyson’s “Despair, a Dramatic Monologue” that appeared in The Nineteenth Century in November 1881.
The original poem contained arguments of a most unpleasant and absurd description, these were ably ridiculed in the burlesque, which will be found on page 184, Volume 1, of this collection.
The original poem had some really unpleasant and ridiculous arguments, which were cleverly mocked in the burlesque on page 184, Volume 1, of this collection.
The following parody was also printed with the initials “A. C. S.,” but clever as it is, few would venture to assert that it was actually written by Mr. Swinburne.
The following parody was also printed with the initials “A. C. S.,” but as clever as it is, few would dare to claim that it was actually written by Mr. Swinburne.
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In The World Christmas Number, 1879, there was an exquisite satire on Mr. Burne Jones’s art entitled “The God and the Damosel”; it was accompanied by the following verses, and a prose criticism (too long to quote in full) written in imitation of the intensely Æsthetic jargon familiar to the frequenters of the Grosvenor Gallery. To fully appreciate the poem and the criticism, the burlesque picture by Mr. E. B. T. Burnt Bones should be seen, once seen it could never be forgotten.
In The World Christmas Number, 1879, there was a brilliant satire on Mr. Burne Jones’s art called “The God and the Damosel”; it was paired with the following verses and a prose critique (too lengthy to quote in full) written in the overly aesthetic language commonly used by visitors to the Grosvenor Gallery. To truly appreciate the poem and the critique, the parody artwork by Mr. E. B. T. Burnt Bones should be viewed; once seen, it would never be forgotten.
The Criticism.—“I have judged it good and helpful to prefix to my few words in appreciation of Mr. Bones’s noble picture this exquisite lyric of Mr. Sinburn’s. It may serve to a better understanding of the one master’s work to note in what wise it has inspired the other. The scene of Mr. Bones’s picture is a garden; the time, high noon. A damosel, tall and gracious, stands before us, clad, but ‘more expressed than hidden,’ in a robe of subtle tissue; which, loyal through three parts of its length to the lines of her sinuous figure, breaks loose round her finely-modelled knees into a riot of enchanting curves and folds; yet, withal, an orderly revolt, and obedient to its own higher law of rebellious grace. At her side stands the fatal Eros, the divine, the immortal, bow in hand, a glory of great light about his head. Behind him rise his outspread wings, which, by one of those eloquently significant touches whereof this painter possesses, one must think, the exclusive secret, are made to simulate the expanded tail of the bird of Heré. What he has here set down for us, in reporting of the lower limbs of this Immortal, he may well have noticed when he himself was last set down at his own house-door; since we see that for the knees of the young Eros of the ancients he has not disdained to study from the ancient Kab-os of the moderns. In the form of the maiden who bends towards him, quivering like a shot bird at the touch of his long lithe finger, we have another triumph of the master’s unique powers. The mere volume of her frame is, let us allow it, spare to the verge of the penurious; its curves are sudden to precipitancy, abrupt even to brusquerie; without being at all exaggerated, the charm of morbidezza is certainly insisted upon to the full limits of the admissible; but the charm is there, victorious and exultant, a voluptuousness not of the flesh, nor appealing thereto, yet a voluptuousness the more subtle and penetrating, perhaps, for that very reason. One sees that the burden of the great mystery has passed upon this woman; one sees it in the heavy-lidded eyes, in the chastened, even ascetic, lines of the face, and above all, in the thin, almost fleshless, figure consumed by inner fires, a conception only capable, perhaps, of being realised in the sympathetic imagination of a Burnt Bones. To the colour-harmonies of the whole picture I despair of doing justice. It may be remembered that I likened Mr. Bones’s last work to a cantata; this one is an oratorio, full of exquisitely tuneful fancies, grand instrumental combinations, profound contrapuntal erudition.”
The Criticism.—“I thought it would be good and helpful to start my brief appreciation of Mr. Bones’s amazing painting with this beautiful poem by Mr. Sinburn. It might help us better understand how one master’s work has inspired the other. The scene of Mr. Bones’s painting takes place in a garden at high noon. A tall, graceful woman stands before us, dressed in a gown that reveals more than it hides, made from delicate fabric; it clings to her curvy figure for the first three-quarters of its length, then billows out around her elegantly shaped knees in a cascade of enchanting curves and folds; yet it’s a beautifully chaotic disorder, adhering to its own elegant style of rebellion. Beside her stands the fateful Eros, the divine and immortal figure, bow in hand, surrounded by a halo of brilliant light. Behind him are his outspread wings, which, through one of those distinctly significant touches that this painter seems to uniquely master, resemble the extended tail of the bird of Heré. What he has depicted here, showing the lower limbs of this Immortal, may have been inspired by what he observed the last time he stood at his own doorstep; since we can see that for the knees of the youthful Eros from ancient times, he didn’t shy away from drawing inspiration from the modern-day Kab-os. In the form of the maiden who leans toward him, trembling like a startled bird at the gentle touch of his long, slender finger, we see another triumph of the master’s unique abilities. The sheer volume of her figure is, let’s admit, almost painfully slim; her curves are sharp and sudden, almost jarring; without being at all exaggerated, the allure of morbidezza is certainly pushed to the limit of what’s acceptable; yet the charm is there, triumphant and joyful, a sensuality not of the flesh nor appealing to it, but perhaps more subtle and penetrating because of that very reason. One can see that the weight of the great mystery rests on this woman; it’s evident in her heavy-lidded eyes, in the tempered, almost ascetic lines of her face, and most importantly, in her thin, nearly fleshless form consumed by inner fires—an idea that only someone with the sensitive imagination of a Burnt Bones could truly convey. I can’t quite do justice to the color harmonies of the entire picture. You might remember I compared Mr. Bones’s last work to a cantata; this one is more like an oratorio, full of beautifully tuneful ideas, grand instrumental combinations, and deep contrapuntal skill.”
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Tragedy “Erechtheus.”
Les Poetes s’amusent.
The poets are having fun.
Swinburne chez Hugo.
Swinburne at Hugo's.
The Banquet of the two distinct demigods is over. The dinner, a two-franc Palais Royal feast fit for Parnassus, came off last night; and I was there ready to watch and to wink at the matchless mouthfuls of the two mighty Masters. As these disappeared amidst rich rhythm and rhapsody, I stood in a corner, note-book in hand, mutely worshipful.
The Banquet of the two unique demigods is finished. The dinner, a two-franc Palais Royal feast worthy of Parnassus, took place last night; and I was there, ready to observe and appreciate the incredible bites of the two great Masters. As they enjoyed those dishes amidst rich rhythms and beautiful expressions, I stood in a corner, notebook in hand, silently in awe.
There was a hungry hush, the Elder Master had a message to deliver, and catching the reporter’s eye, did not halt or hesitate.
There was a tense silence; the Elder Master had a message to share, and catching the reporter’s eye, he didn’t stop or hesitate.
“What,” he asked, addressing the lady presiding at the bureau behind the little plated saucers of sugar, “what is Swinburne? Is he,” he proceeded, “a costermonger? No. What then. A sweep? You cannot be a sweep without singing a Song before Sunrise. But this Swinburne has written Chastelard. That sounds like Bacon. Is he then a philosopher? Yes, and No. Which? Never mind. But there is this remarkable thing about a philosopher: he produces fruits. Sometimes they are nuts to crack, and when Civilisation has a nut to crack it holds its jaw. This is a paradox, and suggests the question, ‘Am I Civilisation?’ To this there is an answer. It is again ‘No and Yes.’ Last time it was ‘Yes and No.’ Now it is ‘No and Yes.’ Why? Is there a reason for this? None. And when there is no reason for anything, it becomes a subject of reference. To whom? To the Marines: and you cannot refer a subject to the Marines without asking them a riddle. And this is the riddle that posterity will ask them: ‘What is Victor Hugo?’”
“What,” he asked, addressing the woman overseeing the bureau behind the small plates of sugar, “what is Swinburne? Is he,” he continued, “a street vendor? No. Then what? A chimney sweep? You can't be a chimney sweep without singing a Song before Sunrise. But this Swinburne has written Chastelard. That sounds like Bacon. So is he a philosopher? Yes and no. Which one? Never mind. But there’s this interesting thing about a philosopher: he produces results. Sometimes they’re hard to figure out, and when Civilization has a tough problem to solve, it keeps its mouth shut. This is a paradox and raises the question, ‘Am I Civilization?’ There’s an answer to that. It’s again ‘No and Yes.’ Last time it was ‘Yes and No.’ Now it’s ‘No and Yes.’ Why? Is there a reason for this? None. And when there’s no reason for anything, it becomes something to be referenced. To whom? To the Marines: and you can’t refer a topic to the Marines without asking them a riddle. And this is the riddle that future generations will ask them: ‘What is Victor Hugo?’”
There was a pause; but in an instant the Younger Master had sprung on to a velvet fauteuil, and, thrumming the back of an entrée dish as an impromptu lyre, with a high-piped treble cry of “I’ll tell you,” had soon sufficiently and signally silenced the Elder with the following unsung and understudied Ode:—
There was a moment of silence, but in an instant, the Younger Master jumped onto a velvet fauteuil, and, strumming the back of an entrée dish like an impromptu lyre, with a high-pitched cry of “I’ll tell you,” quickly and clearly silenced the Elder with the following unsung and understudied Ode:—
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In 1883, Messrs. Chatto and Windus published a small quarto volume, entitled “A Century of Roundels,” by Algernon Charles Swinburne.
In 1883, Chatto and Windus published a small quarto book called “A Century of Roundels,” by Algernon Charles Swinburne.
Very soon afterwards, there was a parody competition on these little poems in The Weekly Dispatch, which published the following imitations on July 1, 1883.
Very soon after that, there was a parody contest for these little poems in The Weekly Dispatch, which published the following imitations on July 1, 1883.
The prize of two guineas was awarded to Mr. Henry William Hancock for:—
The prize of two guineas was awarded to Mr. Henry William Hancock for:—
Highly commended.
Highly praised.
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Christmas Mottoes.
Christmas Mottoes.
(By Eminent Hands.)
(By Eminent Hands.)
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MARCH: AN ODE.
MARCH: A POEM.
Another Ode To March.
Another Poem About March.
(Being a Counterblast to Mr. A. C. Swinburne’s rhythmical rhapsody in the “Nineteenth Century.” By one who has certainly “learned in suffering” what he endeavours to “teach in song.”)
(Being a response to Mr. A. C. Swinburne’s rhythmic rhapsody in the “Nineteenth Century.” By someone who has definitely “learned in suffering” what he tries to “teach in song.”)
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In Pictures at Play (London, Longmans, Green and Co., 1888), a picture by J. W. Waterhouse, A.R.A., is supposed to sing the following parody of the “Masque of Queen Bersabe”:—
In Pictures at Play (London, Longmans, Green and Co., 1888), a painting by J. W. Waterhouse, A.R.A., is said to express this parody of the "Masque of Queen Bersabe:—
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Song after Moonrise.
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Parodies of Mr. Swinburne’s Political Poems.
Parodies of Mr. Swinburne's Political Poems.
Numerous parodies have been written of Mr. Swinburne’s political poems, and of these some have already appeared in this collection.
Numerous parodies have been written of Mr. Swinburne’s political poems, and some of these have already appeared in this collection.
Thus, in Volume III (p. 187), will be found Swinburne’s The Commonweal, which had originally appeared in The Times of July 1, 1886, together with four parodies upon it. And, in Volume IV. (p. 147), Swinburne’s The Question, from The Daily Telegraph, April 29, 1887, was given, together with the caustic Answer, which appeared in The Daily News of April 30, 1887.
Thus, in Volume III (p. 187), you’ll find Swinburne’s The Commonweal, which was first published in The Times on July 1, 1886, along with four parodies of it. And, in Volume IV. (p. 147), Swinburne’s The Question, from The Daily Telegraph on April 29, 1887, is included, along with the sharp Answer, which was published in The Daily News on April 30, 1887.
The following parody is from Truth May 5, 1887:—
The following parody is from Truth May 5, 1887:—
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CLEAR THE WAY!
Move aside!
Rail Away!
All Aboard!
(Written by an aspiring young poet of the Neo-Billingsgate School in humble imitation of the “Clear the Way!” contributed by Mr. Swinburne to a recent number of the Pall Mall Gazette.)
(Written by an aspiring young poet of the Neo-Billingsgate School in humble imitation of the “Clear the Way!” contributed by Mr. Swinburne to a recent number of the Pall Mall Gazette.)
It was formerly a frequent theme of Mr. Swinburne’s political verse, this violent abuse of the House of Lords:—
It used to be a common topic in Mr. Swinburne's political poetry, this harsh criticism of the House of Lords:—
Have the dukes of Buccleugh, Grafton, Richmond, and St. Albans forgotten and forgiven this humorous and playful allusion to their ancestresses, Lucy Waters, Lady Castlemaine, Louise de Querouaille, and Nell Gwynne, to whom they owe their dignities and estates?
Have the dukes of Buccleugh, Grafton, Richmond, and St. Albans forgotten and forgiven this funny and playful reference to their grandmothers, Lucy Waters, Lady Castlemaine, Louise de Querouaille, and Nell Gwynne, to whom they owe their titles and properties?
A Word for the Poet.
A Note for the Poet.
(The Rebuke Parodic.)
(The Parodic Rebuke.)
[Mr. Swinburne’s latest effusion, which has been eagerly quoted by Conservative journals, appears in “Sea Song and River Rhyme,” and is entitled “A Word for the Navy.”]
[Mr. Swinburne’s latest work, which has been eagerly cited by Conservative publications, appears in “Sea Song and River Rhyme,” and is titled “A Word for the Navy.”]
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The Banquet, a Political Satire, by Mr. George Cotterell, was published in 1885 by William Blackwood & Sons. Like most political squibs its interest was somewhat ephemeral, but it contained several amusing parodies of Tennyson, and of Swinburne. Some of those on Tennyson have already been quoted, the following extracts are taken from a parody of Swinburne’s “Dolores,” entitled
The Banquet, a Political Satire, by Mr. George Cotterell, was published in 1885 by William Blackwood & Sons. Like most political jabs, its relevance was a bit short-lived, but it included several funny take-offs on Tennyson and Swinburne. Some of the pieces on Tennyson have already been quoted; the following excerpts are from a parody of Swinburne’s “Dolores,” titled
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But all lovers of dainty books and quaint old world ballades will go to the fountain head to taste this stream.
But all fans of beautiful books and charming old world ballades will head to the source to experience this flow.
Several excellent imitations of Swinburne’s style remain to be quoted from Punch, one, which appeared January 7, 1882, entitled “Clowning and Classicism,” contains some skits on Burne Jones, Oscar Wilde, and John Ruskin; another, dated December 11, 1886, commences as follows:—
Several great imitations of Swinburne’s style are still worth quoting from Punch. One, published on January 7, 1882, called “Clowning and Classicism,” includes some sketches of Burne Jones, Oscar Wilde, and John Ruskin. Another one, from December 11, 1886, begins as follows:—
The next appeared on April 23, 1887:—
The next one came out on April 23, 1887:—
“According to a certain critic,” said the Daily News in August, 1888, Mr. Swinburne “makes ‘services’ rhyme to ‘berries.’ How in the world does he manage that? Can it be in a poem on Lawn Tennis?”
“According to a certain critic,” said the Daily News in August, 1888, Mr. Swinburne “makes ‘services’ rhyme with ‘berries.’ How on earth does he pull that off? Could it be in a poem about Lawn Tennis?”
Nothing exactly like this occurs in the English edition of Mr. Swinburne’s poems, but this, perhaps, shows how the thing could be done, if the poet were so inclined.”
Nothing exactly like this happens in the English edition of Mr. Swinburne’s poems, but this, maybe, demonstrates how it could be done if the poet wanted to.
In the course of a singularly brilliant career it is not surprising that Mr. Swinburne should have been the subject of many fierce literary attacks. The history of these feuds must await the advent of another Isaac D’Israeli to add a Chapter to the “Calamities and Quarrels of Authors”; interesting as the topic most certainly is, it cannot be dealt with here. Suffice it to say that the principal grounds for adverse criticism have been the asserted voluptuousness and immoral tendency of his romantic poems, and the inconsistency of his political writings. As an instance of the latter failing The Daily News of May 2, 1887, reprinted a poem Mr. Swinburne wrote for The Morning Star (a Radical paper, now defunct) in November 1867 in favour of the Fenians then lying under sentence of death for the murder of Serjeant Brett. This poem Mr. Swinburne had also included in his volume, Songs before Sunrise, published in 1871, and it certainly presents a marked contrast to his recent utterances on the Irish question.
Throughout his exceptionally brilliant career, it’s not surprising that Mr. Swinburne faced many intense literary criticisms. The history of these disputes will need to wait for another Isaac D’Israeli to write a chapter on the “Calamities and Quarrels of Authors.” While the topic is undoubtedly interesting, it can't be addressed here. It’s enough to say that the main reasons for the criticisms have been the alleged sensuality and immoral tendencies of his romantic poems, as well as inconsistencies in his political writings. For example, The Daily News on May 2, 1887, reprinted a poem Mr. Swinburne wrote for The Morning Star (a now-defunct Radical paper) in November 1867, advocating for the Fenians who were sentenced to death for the murder of Serjeant Brett. Mr. Swinburne also included this poem in his collection, Songs before Sunrise, published in 1871, and it clearly contrasts with his recent statements on the Irish issue.
As to the alleged immoral tendency of his works much has been written, and by many pens, one of the bitterest of his assailants being Mr. Robert Williams Buchanan, whose own early writings were, most assuredly, open to adverse criticism on the same ground.
As for the supposed immoral inclination of his works, a lot has been written about it by various authors, with one of the harshest critics being Mr. Robert Williams Buchanan, whose own early writings were definitely subject to the same kind of negative critique.
In his little work entitled, “The Fleshly School of Poetry,” published in 1872, Mr. Buchanan not only 33 attacked Swinburne, but he was also most malignant in his criticisms of the poems of Dante Gabriel Rossetti, one of the kindest, gentlest, and purest of men. The controversy this aroused raged for some years, and the last word was only spoken when Mr. Edmund Yates published his article on “A Scrofulous Scotch Poet,” severely castigating Mr. Buchanan, in The World, September 26, 1877. Long prior to this, the following verses relating to Swinburne, had been attributed to Buchanan. It is doubtful whether in 1866 Mr. Swinburne’s name was sufficiently established to entitle him to a place in such distinguished company as is here mentioned.
In his short piece titled “The Fleshly School of Poetry,” published in 1872, Mr. Buchanan not only <>33 targeted Swinburne, but he was also extremely harsh in his critiques of the poems by Dante Gabriel Rossetti, who was one of the kindest, gentlest, and most pure-hearted individuals. The controversy that followed lasted for several years, and the final word was only delivered when Mr. Edmund Yates published his article “A Scrofulous Scotch Poet,” sharply criticizing Mr. Buchanan in The World, on September 26, 1877. Long before this, the following lines about Swinburne had been credited to Buchanan. It's uncertain whether Mr. Swinburne's name was well enough known in 1866 to warrant a spot among such distinguished figures as mentioned here.
THE SESSION OF THE POETS.
POET'S SESSION.
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Although this collection is avowedly confined to Parodies which have previously appeared in print, it will be readily understood that numbers of original parodies are sent in, of which but a very small proportion can be inserted.
Although this collection is clearly limited to Parodies that have been published before, it's easy to see that many original parodies are submitted, but only a tiny fraction can be included.
Some amusing incidents occur, thus a short time ago a gentlemen sent from Scotland the M.S.S. of new and original burlesques on Hamlet and Othello, the first containing about 850 lines, and the second about double that number. The author earnestly requested they should be inserted in Parodies, but whether he had succeeded in getting any “new and original” fun out of such fresh and lively topics as Hamlet and Othello, the world will never be able to judge through this medium.
Some funny incidents happen, and recently a man sent from Scotland the manuscripts of new and original parodies on Hamlet and Othello, with the first one having about 850 lines and the second having about twice that number. The author seriously requested that they be included in Parodies, but whether he actually managed to create any “new and original” humor from such vibrant topics as Hamlet and Othello, the world will never be able to judge through this medium.
Another, and almost equally humorous request was worded as follows:—“I enclose a parody on Mr. Algernon Swinburne’s Dolores in the form of an encomium on ‘Someone’s Essence of Something’ which is absurdly close to some of the original verses. If you accept it please send proof and remuneration to me at above address.”
Another, and almost equally funny request was worded like this:—“I’m enclosing a parody of Mr. Algernon Swinburne’s Dolores as a compliment to ‘Someone’s Essence of Something,’ which is humorously similar to some of the original lines. If you decide to accept it, please send proof and payment to me at the address above.”
It so happened that this parody was not devoid of literary merit, but the author was presuming a little too much in expecting to get a puff inserted gratis, and to be paid for it in the bargain.
It turned out that this parody had some literary value, but the author was being a bit overconfident in thinking they could get a free promotion and also get paid for it.
A verse or two will suffice to indicate the author’s treatment of the topic:—
A couple of lines will do to show how the author handles the topic:—
The remainder of this Poem will be inserted with full details as to price, and number of cures effected, on receipt of the customary advertisement fee.
The rest of this poem will be provided with complete details about the price and the number of cures achieved upon receipt of the standard advertising fee.
Another correspondent kindly sent in a lengthy rhymed criticism of Swinburne’s style, commencing as follows:—
Another correspondent kindly sent in a lengthy poem critiquing Swinburne’s style, starting as follows:—
End of Parodies on A. C. Swinburne.
End of Parodies on A. C. Swinburne.
VERNON AVICK.
VERNON AVIK.
Dedicated without permission to the Author of “Father
O’Flynn,” by the Author of “The Blarney Ballads.”
Dedicated without permission to the Author of “Father
O’Flynn,” by the Author of “The Blarney Ballads.”
George R. Sims.
Mr. George R. Sims was born in London on September 2nd, 1847. He was educated first, at Hanwell College, and subsequently at Bonn.
Mr. George R. Sims was born in London on September 2, 1847. He was educated first at Hanwell College and later at Bonn.
In 1874 Mr. Sims joined the staff of Fun, and about the same time he also became connected with the Weekly Dispatch, to which he communicated the humorous papers, entitled: “Mary Jane’s Memoirs.”
In 1874, Mr. Sims joined the staff of Fun, and around the same time, he also got involved with the Weekly Dispatch, where he contributed humorous pieces called: “Mary Jane’s Memoirs.”
As a dramatic author Mr. Sims has also been both prolific and successful. “Crutch and Toothpick,” “Mother-in-Law,” “The Member for Slocum,” “The Gay City,” “The Half-Way House,” “The Lights o’ London,” “The Romany Rye,” and “The Merry Duchess,” are titles well-known to every modern play-goer.
As a playwright, Mr. Sims has been both prolific and successful. “Crutch and Toothpick,” “Mother-in-Law,” “The Member for Slocum,” “The Gay City,” “The Half-Way House,” “The Lights o’ London,” “The Romany Rye,” and “The Merry Duchess” are titles familiar to every contemporary theatergoer.
Judging by the vast amount of work in essays, dramas, and poems, produced by Mr. Sims, he must be possessed of extraordinary energy, powerful imagination, and of rapid composition. Some of his prose articles and ballads display an intimate knowledge of the inner life of the miserable, and the poor of London, such as could only have been acquired by one having keen powers of observation, after considerable time spent in the haunts of dirt, danger, and disease.
Judging by the huge amount of work in essays, plays, and poems created by Mr. Sims, he must have remarkable energy, a strong imagination, and a knack for quick writing. Some of his prose pieces and ballads show a deep understanding of the inner lives of the miserable and poor in London, knowledge that could only come from someone with sharp observational skills, after spending a significant amount of time in the places of dirt, danger, and disease.
In short, since Dickens left us, no writer has been so successful in this difficult and trying branch of literature, and Dickens himself was never so popular, nor were his works so widely read by the people as are those of Mr. Sims.
In short, since Dickens passed away, no writer has been as successful in this challenging area of literature, and Dickens himself was never as popular, nor were his works read as widely by the people as those of Mr. Sims.
Although there is much that is both droll and humorous in his prose writings, the principal feature in his Ballads is homely pathos, of which the following poem is one of the best known examples.
Although there's a lot that's both funny and amusing in his writing, the main characteristic of his Ballads is everyday sadness, of which the following poem is one of the most well-known examples.
It is one of the Ballads of Babylon (London. John P. Fuller, 1880), and is given by Mr. Sims’s kind permission:—
It is one of the Ballads of Babylon (London. John P. Fuller, 1880), and is provided by Mr. Sims’s generous access granted:—
OSTLER JOE.
Joe the Stablehand.
In 1886, Mrs. James Brown Potter recited this poem at a soirée given in the house of Mr. Secretary Whitney, in Washington, U.S.A., before a large company of ladies and gentlemen. During the recital some of the ladies rose and left the room; the New York papers spitefully remarked of those ladies who remained to hear the poem to the end, that, being in evening dress, they were observed to blush almost down to their waists.
In 1886, Mrs. James Brown Potter recited this poem at a gathering held at Mr. Secretary Whitney's house in Washington, D.C., in front of a large group of men and women. During the reading, some of the women stood up and left the room; the New York newspapers snidely noted that those women who stayed to listen to the poem until the end, while dressed in evening wear, were seen blushing almost down to their waists.
The poem was severely criticised in several of the prudish American papers, and assigned by some of them to the pen of A. C. Swinburne, although as unlike his style as anything could well be.
The poem faced harsh criticism in various conservative American newspapers, with some attributing it to A. C. Swinburne, even though it was as different from his style as it could possibly be.
The controversy that arose created a tremendous demand for the poem, and many thousands of copies were sold in a few days, from which however, the author derived no benefit whatever, owing to the disgraceful state of the international copyright, or want of copyright.
The controversy that came up sparked huge demand for the poem, and many thousands of copies were sold in just a few days. However, the author didn't benefit at all from this due to the disgraceful state of international copyright, or rather the lack of it.
37 As Mrs. Kendal has recited the poem in public on several occasions, it may be taken for granted that it contains nothing indelicate, or objectionable, although the outcry raised in the States was so great that the principal newspapers took sides on the question, and debated the merits of the poem with almost as much heat as a Presidential Election. One well-known humorist attempted to ridicule “Ostler Joe” in the following ballad:—
37 Since Mrs. Kendal has performed the poem in public multiple times, it's safe to assume that it doesn't contain anything inappropriate or offensive. However, the backlash in the States was so intense that major newspapers took sides on the issue and debated the poem's merits with almost as much passion as a presidential election. One famous humorist tried to mock “Ostler Joe” in the following song:—
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BILLY’S ROSE.
BILLY'S ROSE.
Another Parody of “Billy’s Rose” appeared in The Umpire (Manchester) 30 September, 1888. But it does not follow the original very closely, and is rather too coarse to be inserted.
Another parody of “Billy’s Rose” appeared in The Umpire (Manchester) on September 30, 1888. However, it doesn’t closely follow the original and is a bit too crude to be included.
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THE LIGHTS OF LONDON TOWN.
The Lights of London.
See Ballads of Babylon. London. John P. Fuller. 1880.
See Ballads of Babylon. London. John P. Fuller. 1880.
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Truth for October 14th, 1886, contained half-a-dozen ballads written in the style of Mr. Sims’s poems. The three following may be quoted as interesting imitations, but it will be seen that they do not parody any particular poem:—
Truth for October 14th, 1886, featured six ballads written in the style of Mr. Sims’s poems. The three that follow can be considered interesting imitations, but it’s clear that they don’t parody any specific poem:—
There is a recitation written by Mr. Richard H. Douglass, which is often given by him with success, entitled “Christmas Day in the Beer-house.”
There’s a performance written by Mr. Richard H. Douglass, which he often delivers successfully, called “Christmas Day in the Beer-house.”
In its opening lines it somewhat resembles Mr. Sims’s “Christmas Day in the Workhouse,” but it does not follow that poem sufficiently to be styled a parody, and is, moreover, rather coarse in its style.
In its opening lines, it somewhat resembles Mr. Sims’s “Christmas Day in the Workhouse,” but it doesn't follow that poem closely enough to be called a parody, and is, besides, rather rough in its style.
Every one remembers “The Manual for Young Reciters,” which appeared in Punch in 1887, and has since been issued in a small volume, entitled “Burglar Bill,” by J. Anstey, (London, Bradbury, Agnew & Co.) Two of the papers contained in this are imitations of Mr. Sims; Burglar Bill is one, but a far more amusing specimen is A Coster’s Conversion. A poor harmless costermonger relates how he
Every one remembers “The Manual for Young Reciters,” which was published in Punch in 1887 and has since been released in a small book called “Burglar Bill” by J. Anstey, (London, Bradbury, Agnew & Co.) Two of the pieces in this collection mimic Mr. Sims; Burglar Bill is one, but a much funnier example is A Coster’s Conversion. A poor, harmless costermonger shares how he
Whilst he is away in durance vile some well meaning, but mistaken, philanthropist converts his wife to Æstheticism, and on his return to his humble roof, he is much amazed, and by no means pleased, with the alterations made in his home:—
While he is away in prison, a well-meaning but misguided philanthropist converts his wife to Aestheticism, and upon his return to his humble home, he is quite astonished and not at all pleased with the changes made in his home:—
This appeared originally in Punch, May 14, 1887.
This was first published in Punch, May 14, 1887.
Mr. Sims has recently published (London, Chatto and Windus) The Dagonet Reciter, which contains most of the poems which have been referred to in this Collection, “Ostler Joe,” “The Life-boat,” “Keeping Christmas” etc., as well as a selection of his humorous prose writings.
Mr. Sims has recently published (London, Chatto and Windus) The Dagonet Reciter, which includes most of the poems mentioned in this Collection, “Ostler Joe,” “The Life-boat,” “Keeping Christmas,” etc., along with a selection of his humorous prose works.
Before leaving this author, there remains a parody of his to be quoted, it should have appeared in Volume IV., which contained other parodies of “The Lost Chord.”
Before moving on from this author, there's a parody of his that needs to be mentioned; it was supposed to be in Volume IV., which included other parodies of “The Lost Chord.”
The following Volunteer parody, of the same original, recently appeared in the First Lanark Gazette.—
The following Volunteer parody, of the same original, recently appeared in the First Lanark Gazette.—
CLEMENT W. SCOTT.
Many poems written by this distinguished dramatic critic are chosen for recitation, notably “The Women of Mumbles Head” which is to be found in “Lays of a Londoner” (London, Carson and Comerford, 1886.) A very funny parody of this, entitled “The Wreck of the Steamship ‘Puffin,’” is in Burglar Bill, by J. Anstey, and would form an amusing contrast to the original, in the second part of an entertainment.
Many poems by this well-known dramatic critic are selected for recitation, especially “The Women of Mumbles Head,” which can be found in “Lays of a Londoner” (London, Carson and Comerford, 1886). A very funny parody of this, called “The Wreck of the Steamship ‘Puffin,’” is in Burglar Bill by J. Anstey, and would provide an entertaining contrast to the original in the second part of a show.
Another well-known poem by Mr. Clement Scott was the Tale of the Tenth Hussars, in favour of the late Colonel Valentine Baker, which originally appeared in Punch, and was quoted, with a parody on it, on p. 87, vol. iv. Parodies.
Another well-known poem by Mr. Clement Scott was the Tale of the Tenth Hussars, in support of the late Colonel Valentine Baker, which first appeared in Punch, and was quoted, along with a parody of it, on p. 87, vol. iv. Parodies.
ROBERT BROWNING.
In dealing with Parodies of the works of living authors, the chief difficulty to contend with is, that some of the parodies may read rather flat and uninteresting to those who are unacquainted with the original poem.
In dealing with parodies of the works of living authors, the main challenge is that some of the parodies might feel kind of dull and uninteresting to those who aren't familiar with the original poem.
Such familiar poems as Lord Tennyson’s “May Queen,” or “Lady Clara Vere-de-Vere,” it would of course be quite unnecessary to reprint, but now that more modern poems are under consideration it is desirable to give such of the originals as can be inserted, with the authors’ express permission. Hitherto the necessary authority has been gracefully accorded, and, in several instances, supplemented by valuable bibliographical information. Thus showing that some of the leading poets of the day recognise the value of this Collection as a literary record, and fully appreciate the strict line that is drawn to exclude vulgar, personal, or malicious lampoons.
Such well-known poems as Lord Tennyson’s “May Queen” or “Lady Clara Vere-de-Vere” don’t need to be reprinted. However, since we’re looking at more modern poems, it’s helpful to include those originals that can be added with the authors' explicit permission. So far, we’ve received that permission graciously, and in several cases, it’s been accompanied by valuable bibliographical information. This shows that some of today’s leading poets recognize the importance of this Collection as a literary record and fully appreciate the clear boundary set to exclude crude, personal, or malicious attacks.
In accordance therefore with the usual custom, a courteously worded letter was sent to Mr. Robert Browning, asking his permission to quote a few extracts from his shorter poems, with the assurance that no offensive parody of his works should be inserted.
In line with the usual practice, a politely worded letter was sent to Mr. Robert Browning, requesting his permission to quote a few excerpts from his shorter poems, with the assurance that no offensive parody of his works would be included.
Mr. Browning’s reply was to the effect that as he disapproved of every kind of Parody he refused permission to quote any of his poems, adding in somewhat ungracious language, that his publishers would be instructed to see that his wishes were complied with.
Mr. Browning replied that since he disapproved of any form of parody, he refused to allow any of his poems to be quoted. He added, in a rather ungracious tone, that he would instruct his publishers to ensure his wishes were followed.
Perhaps the world does not greatly care whether Mr. Browning approves of Parody, or does not; neither can he very well expect that the completeness of this Collection should be sacrificed in deference to his distaste for a harmless branch of literature which has amused many of our greatest authors, and best of men. Byron and Scott could laugh at the Rejected Addresses, and enjoy a merry jest, even at their own expense, but let no dog bark when the great Sir Oracle opens his lips, and no daring humourist venture to travesty the poems of Mr. Robert Browning!
Maybe the world doesn’t really care whether Mr. Browning approves of parody or not; he can’t expect that the thoroughness of this collection should be compromised just because he dislikes a harmless genre that has entertained many of our greatest authors and finest individuals. Byron and Scott could laugh at the Rejected Addresses and enjoy a good joke, even if it was at their expense, but let no one dare to speak when the great Sir Oracle shares his thoughts, and no bold humorist should try to mock the poems of Mr. Robert Browning!
This injunction comes rather late, for numerous parodies of his works have already been written, of which some of the best must be included here. It is to be hoped that the perusal of them may induce some readers to seek in the originals those beauties which herein are only dimly shadowed forth.
This notice comes a bit late, as many parodies of his works have already been created, and some of the best ones should be included here. Hopefully, reading them will encourage some readers to look in the originals for the qualities that are only faintly reflected here.
Mr. Robert Browning was born at Camberwell in 1812, and educated at the London University. In September 1846, he married Miss Elizabeth 47 Barrett, the poetess (who died in 1861), by whom he had one son, Mr. Robert Browning, the well-known artist.
Mr. Robert Browning was born in Camberwell in 1812 and educated at London University. In September 1846, he married Miss Elizabeth Barrett, the poetess (who died in 1861), and they had one son, Mr. Robert Browning, the well-known artist.
HOW THEY BROUGHT THE GOOD NEWS FROM GHENT TO AIX.
HOW THEY BROUGHT THE GOOD NEWS FROM GHENT TO AIX.
This is probably the best known of Mr. Browning’s earlier poems, it is given in Bell’s Standard Elocutionist, and various other collections.
This is probably the best-known of Mr. Browning's earlier poems; it's included in Bell's Standard Elocutionist and several other collections.
On January 23, 1882, Mr. Browning wrote to the Oracle—“There is no sort of historical foundation for the poem about ‘Good News from Ghent.’ I wrote it under the bulwark of a vessel, off the African coast, after I had been at sea long enough to appreciate even the fancy of a gallop on the back of a certain good horse, ‘York,’ then in my stable at home.
On January 23, 1882, Mr. Browning wrote to the Oracle—“There’s no historical basis for the poem about ‘Good News from Ghent.’ I wrote it while sitting under the deck of a ship off the African coast, after being at sea long enough to really miss even the idea of a ride on my good horse, ‘York,’ who was back at my stable at home.
“It was written in pencil on the fly-leaf of Bartolio’s ‘Simboli,’ I remember.”
“It was written in pencil on the flyleaf of Bartolio’s ‘Simboli,’ I remember.”
This Poem was chosen as the original for a Parody Competition in The World, and the two following parodies appeared in that entertaining journal on August 13, 1879.
This poem was selected as the original for a parody competition in The World, and the two following parodies were published in that entertaining magazine on August 13, 1879.
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THE PIED PIPER OF HAMELIN.
The Pied Piper of Hamelin.
This poem is given in full in The Comic Poets of the Nineteenth Century, published by Routledge & Sons, London. It has been the subject of several political parodies, one of the best being that which appeared in Punch, May 1, 1880, entitled “The Bagpiper of Midlothian.” This described how the Liberals in Midlothian despaired of their cause, and the Tories were jubilant, when suddenly Wandering Willie the Piper appeared.
This poem is fully included in The Comic Poets of the Nineteenth Century, published by Routledge & Sons, London. It has inspired several political parodies, one of the best being the one that appeared in Punch on May 1, 1880, titled “The Bagpiper of Midlothian.” This parody described how the Liberals in Midlothian were losing hope for their cause while the Tories were celebrating, when suddenly Wandering Willie the Piper showed up.
Westminster is leading the way.
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Parodies of Mr. Browning’s poem “Wanting is—What?” in Jocoseria.
Parodies of Mr. Browning’s poem “Wanting is—What?” in Jocoseria.
The following imitation, written by Miss Fitzpatrick, appeared in the Red Dragon Magazine, (Cardiff), September, 1884:—
The following imitation, written by Miss Fitzpatrick, appeared in the Red Dragon Magazine, (Cardiff), September, 1884:—
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THE LOST LEADER
THE MISSING LEADER
* * * * *
Understood! Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize.
The Latest News.
The Latest News.
[The young ladies of Girton have given up their Browning Society, and expended the funds thereof on the purchase of chocolate.]
[The young women of Girton have discontinued their Browning Society and have used the funds to buy chocolate.]
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THE PATRIOT.
THE PATRIOT.
Another parody also appeared in Punch, July 24, 1886, entitled:—
Another parody also appeared in Punch, July 24, 1886, titled:—
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Significance in Their Time.
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order to come out in a New and Serious Line.)
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Two parodies of the same poem appeared in Punch, one on April 14, 1883, the other on June 7, 1888.
Two parodies of the same poem were published in Punch, one on April 14, 1883, and the other on June 7, 1888.
These can be readily obtained at Punch office, as also the following: “The Losing Leader” Punch, July 26, 1884. “Stanley,” after Waring, Punch, June 2, 1888.
These can be easily picked up at the Punch office, along with the following: “The Losing Leader” Punch, July 26, 1884. “Stanley,” after Waring, Punch, June 2, 1888.
“Gladstone Unmasked” which appeared in Punch as long ago as 1866, was written by the late Shirley Brooks, as a parody on Browning. The poem, which is long and quite out of date now, may be found in “Wit and Humour” by Shirley Brooks, London, 1883.
“Gladstone Unmasked,” which was published in Punch back in 1866, was written by the late Shirley Brooks as a parody of Browning. The poem, which is lengthy and quite outdated now, can be found in “Wit and Humour” by Shirley Brooks, London, 1883.
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The above burlesque sonnet is given in Mr. John H. Ingram’s biography of “Oliver Madox Brown,” although it is doubtful whether that talented young poet was the author of it or what it means.
The burlesque sonnet mentioned above appears in Mr. John H. Ingram’s biography of “Oliver Madox Brown,” although it's questionable whether that gifted young poet actually wrote it or what it signifies.
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Mr. Browning wrote the following elegant and luminous lines for the window in honour of Her Majesty’s Jubilee, presented by the parishioners to St. Margaret’s, Westminster:—
Mr. Browning wrote the following beautiful and bright lines for the window in honor of Her Majesty's Jubilee, presented by the parishioners to St. Margaret’s, Westminster:—
A correspondent, who is not a member of the Browning Society, thinks that the following quatrain might be substituted,—
A correspondent, who isn't a member of the Browning Society, believes that the following quatrain could be replaced,—
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On page 103, Volume 5 of this Collection some extracts were given from “The Poets at Tea” a series of short parodies which appeared in The Cambridge Fortnightly, for February 7, 1888. The three following verses, which were then omitted, may be given here:—
On page 103 of Volume 5 of this collection, some excerpts were shared from “The Poets at Tea,” a series of short parodies published in The Cambridge Fortnightly on February 7, 1888. The three verses that were previously left out can be presented here:—
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Of Mr. Browning’s later poetry, or, what may be termed his involved and complicated style, some excellent parodies exist. They are rather long, and would be somewhat tedious reading to those who are unfamiliar with the originals; as the books in which most of these parodies occur are easily obtainable a few extracts will suffice.
Of Mr. Browning’s later poetry, or what could be called his complex and intricate style, there are some great parodies. They tend to be quite long and might be a bit tedious for those who aren't familiar with the original works; since the books where most of these parodies can be found are easy to get, a few excerpts will be enough.
First, may be mentioned Diversions of the Echo Club, an American work written by the late Mr. Bayard Taylor, published, in London, by Chatto and Windus.
First, we can mention Diversions of the Echo Club, an American work written by the late Mr. Bayard Taylor, published in London by Chatto and Windus.
This contains no less than four imitations of Robert Browning’s poetry, they are all good, but perhaps the following is the most characteristic in style:—
This includes at least four imitations of Robert Browning’s poetry; they're all good, but maybe the following is the most distinctive in style:—
Leading Cases done into English, by an Apprentice of Lincoln’s Inn. London, Macmillan & Co. 1876. This amusing little volume (said to be the work of Mr. Pollock) contains a case, entitled Scott v. Shepherd, which is reported in true Browningese diction:—
Leading Cases done into English, by an Apprentice of Lincoln’s Inn. London, Macmillan & Co. 1876. This entertaining little book (said to be written by Mr. Pollock) includes a case called Scott v. Shepherd, which is reported in authentic Browningese word choice
It is usually considered that The Cock and the Bull, by the late C. S. Calverley, is the best parody extant of Robert Browning’s “The Ring and the Book,” the following are the opening lines:—
It is generally believed that The Cock and the Bull, by the late C. S. Calverley, is the best existing parody of Robert Browning’s “The Ring and the Book.” Here are the opening lines:—
From Fly Leaves, by C. S. Calverley. London. George Bell & Sons.
From Fly Leaves, by C. S. Calverley. London. George Bell & Sons.
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In The Heptalogia (Chatto and Windus, 1880) there is an imitation of Browning, entitled “John Jones,” and in Recaptured Rhymes, by H. D. Traill (W. Blackwood and Sons, 1882) there is a parody from “The Puss and the Boots.” These cannot be quoted in full, and extracts would convey little idea of the humour of the pieces. The latter (by Mr. Traill) is modelled somewhat upon Mr. Calverley’s “Cock and the Bull.”
In The Heptalogia (Chatto and Windus, 1880), there's a piece that imitates Browning called “John Jones,” and in Recaptured Rhymes, by H. D. Traill (W. Blackwood and Sons, 1882), there's a parody based on “The Puss and the Boots.” These can’t be fully quoted, and excerpts wouldn’t really capture the humor of the pieces. The latter (by Mr. Traill) is somewhat modeled after Mr. Calverley’s “Cock and the Bull.”
In July 1888, The Family Herald (London) had a long article on parodies, which contained some amusing examples, but the writer of the article committed the unpardonable literary crime of not giving references to the authorities from whom he quoted. His note on Robert Browning’s poetry, and his parodies, is given below:—
In July 1888, The Family Herald (London) published a lengthy article about parodies that included some funny examples, but the author of the article made the unforgivable literary mistake of not citing the sources he quoted. His commentary on Robert Browning’s poetry and his parodies is provided below:—
“Mr. Browning is far too great a man to be mentioned lightly; but we must own that to some natures his later work is distasteful, and even repulsive. His early poetry ranks among the highest in English; and, if we were compelled to write down the names of, say, six poems which we regard as the best in the language, two of the six—“The Last Ride Together” and “The Flight of the Duchess”—would be Mr. Browning’s. Perhaps he is too great now to be content with mere brilliant work that haunts the memory for life, and inspires the innermost soul. If so, we are sorry, for we would not give the two poems which we have named, with perhaps the “Ride from Ghent to Aix,” for a library of exasperating Sordellos. We cannot cure Mr. Browning, and we must be content to endure him for the sake of old times. The great, crabbed, formless poet gives the buffoons a rare innings; for his jagged, ramshackle blank verse, with its conjunctions protruding at the ends of lines, its parentheses, its small jokes, its puns, its pedantic display of useless learning, its aimless wanderings, its half-hints, all tend to make the reader feel as if he were taking a little walk with a halting cripple who persisted in digging him in the ribs, and kicking up dust before his eyes. When we get a gleam of lucidity from Browning, he is matchless; but he refuses to write plain English and so the parodists have him on the hip. Here is a parody by a skilled craftsman who handles the poet with affection—
“Mr. Browning is far too great a man to be mentioned lightly, but we have to admit that some people find his later work distasteful and even repulsive. His early poetry is among the best in English. If we had to list, say, six poems we consider the best in the language, two of them—“The Last Ride Together” and “The Flight of the Duchess”—would definitely be by Mr. Browning. Maybe he's too great now to be satisfied with just brilliant work that stays in your mind for life and touches your soul. If that’s the case, we’re sorry, because we wouldn’t trade those two poems, along with possibly “Ride from Ghent to Aix,” for a whole library of frustrating Sordellos. We can't fix Mr. Browning, so we have to accept him for the sake of old times. The great, complex, formless poet gives the jokers plenty of material; his rough, disheveled blank verse, with awkward line endings, parentheses, silly jokes, puns, pointless shows of knowledge, aimless digressions, and half-hidden meanings, all make the reader feel like they’re taking a little walk with a limping person who keeps poking them in the ribs and kicking up dust in their face. When we catch a glimpse of clarity from Browning, it’s brilliant; but he refuses to write in plain English, and because of that, the parodists have an easy target. Here’s a parody by a skilled craftsman who approaches the poet with love—
The strange thing is that the rickety stuff above is a perfectly fair burlesque. The cadence—or lack of cadence—the horrid involutions, the breaks into bald dulness, are all Browning’s to the very essence.”
The weird thing is that the shaky stuff above is a totally fair parody. The rhythm—or lack of rhythm—the awful twists, the moments of plain dullness, are all Browning’s to the core.
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This is not the place in which to enter upon a dissertation on the style of Mr. Robert Browning. Profundity of thought is not necessarily accompanied by obscurity of language, and yet the admirers of Mr. Browning contend that it is precisely in those poems which are the most difficult to understand, that his chief excellencies are to be found. Hence several “Browning Societies” have been started for the express purpose of explaining this obscure writer to persons of only average intelligence. Now a Homer society, or a Shakespeare society, one can understand, these poets are dead and cannot be appealed to, for the solution of doubtful readings, or confused passages. But Mr. Browning is alive and well, and should be able, if he were willing, to clear up the meaning of any obscurity in his own writings. Were he to do this, however, a few amiable hero-worshippers, and fussy founders of Societies, would lose their vocation, and perhaps the public would not greatly gain.
This isn’t the right place to dive into a discussion about Mr. Robert Browning’s style. Deep thought doesn’t have to come with complicated language, yet Browning’s fans argue that his best qualities are found in the poems that are hardest to understand. That’s why several “Browning Societies” have been formed specifically to explain this difficult writer to people with only average intelligence. A Homer society or a Shakespeare society makes sense; those poets are long gone and can’t be consulted for clarification on challenging lines or confusing sections. But Mr. Browning is alive and well, and if he wanted to, he could clarify any confusion in his own work. However, if he did that, a few admiring fans and the overzealous founders of these societies might lose their purpose, and perhaps the public wouldn’t benefit much from it.
Many anecdotes are told of Browning’s obscurity.
Many stories are shared about Browning’s lack of recognition.
When Douglas Jerrold was recovering from a severe illness, Browning’s “Sordello” was put into his hands. Line after line, page after page, he read; but no consecutive idea could he get from the mystic production. Mrs. Jerrold was out, and he had no one to whom to appeal. The thought struck him that he had lost his reason during his illness, and that he was so imbecile that he did not know it. A perspiration burst from his brow, and he sat silent and thoughtful. As soon as his wife returned he thrust the mysterious volume into her hands, crying out: “Read this, my dear.” After several attempts to make any sense out of the first page or so, she gave back the book, saying: “Bother the gibberish! I don’t understand a word of it!” “Thank heaven!” cried Jerrold, “then I am not an idiot!”
When Douglas Jerrold was recovering from a serious illness, Browning’s “Sordello” was handed to him. He read line after line, page after page, but couldn’t understand any of it. Mrs. Jerrold was out, and he had no one to turn to. He suddenly thought that he had lost his mind during his illness and that he was so out of it that he didn’t even realize it. Sweat broke out on his forehead, and he sat there silently, deep in thought. As soon as his wife came back, he shoved the confusing book into her hands, exclaiming: “Read this, my dear.” After several tries to make sense of the first page or so, she returned the book, saying: “What’s with this nonsense! I don’t understand a thing!” “Thank goodness!” cried Jerrold, “then I’m not an idiot!”
The Browning Society.
The Browning Society.
A Bitter Error.
A Harsh Mistake.
A long haired man, with a look of unutterable yearning in his deep set eyes, stole into the well filled auditorium, and took a seat in the rear pew. He listened to the speaker with the closest attention, and seemed to derive the most intense enjoyment from words which were incomprehensible to the majority of the audience.
A long-haired man, with an expression of deep longing in his intense eyes, quietly entered the crowded auditorium and took a seat in the back row. He listened to the speaker with great focus and appeared to gain immense pleasure from words that were mostly baffling to the rest of the audience.
“Magnificent! sublime!” he was heard to murmur.
“Awesome! Amazing!” he was heard to murmur.
“Perfectly, perfectly. Did you ever hear anything more”—
“Perfectly, perfectly. Did you ever hear anything more—”
“But I can’t understand a word he says.”
“But I can’t understand anything he says.”
“Indeed! You are to be pitied. Ah, this seems like home. You see, I arrived from New York only an hour ago, and happening to hear of this meeting came here at once.”
“Absolutely! You deserve pity. Ah, this feels like home. You see, I got here from New York just an hour ago, and when I heard about this meeting, I came right away.”
“It is not possible that you are a Chinaman?”
“It can’t be true that you’re Chinese?”
“A Chinaman! What do you mean, Sir? I am from Boston.”
“A Chinaman! What do you mean, sir? I’m from Boston.”
“From Boston, eh? How is it that you understand Chinese?”
“From Boston, huh? How come you know Chinese?”
“I don’t understand Chinese, sir. What do you mean?”
“I don’t understand Chinese, sir. What do you mean?”
“Why, the man who is speaking is a missionary who has just returned from Hong Kong, and he is exhibiting his proficiency in the Chinese language by reading a chapter in the Bible in that tongue.”
“Why, the man speaking is a missionary who just got back from Hong Kong, and he is showing off his skills in Chinese by reading a chapter from the Bible in that language.”
The Bostonian’s face paled.
The Bostonian went pale.
“Why,” he gasped, “isn’t this a Browning Club?”
“Why,” he gasped, “isn’t this a Browning Club?”
“Certainly not.”
"Absolutely not."
“And isn’t he reading one of the great master’s”—
“And isn’t he reading one of the great master’s—”
“Great Scott, no! The Browning club is on the next floor.”
“Great Scott, no! The Browning club is on the floor above.”
Then the sad eyed man arose and staggered thence, a hopeless, despairing look in his fathomless orbs.
Then the sad-eyed man got up and staggered away, a hopeless, despairing look in his deep eyes.
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Contributor to its pages.)
Frederick Locker-Lampson.
The refinement of taste which has marked the second half of the nineteenth century has been highly favourable to the production of the lighter forms of poetry, and no other age has been so prolific in writers of vers-de-société and of those other more exotic forms of composition known as Ballades, Rondeaus, and Villanelles.
The refinement of taste that characterized the second half of the nineteenth century has greatly benefited the creation of lighter poetry, and no other era has produced as many writers of vers-de-société and those other more exotic forms of poetry known as Ballades, Rondeaus, and Villanelles.
It is true that Praed, who led the way as the writer of vers-de-société, died fifty years ago, but for one who now reads Praed, there are twenty who know by heart the poems of Frederick Locker.
It’s true that Praed, who was the pioneer of social verse, passed away fifty years ago, but for every person reading Praed today, there are twenty who can recite Frederick Locker’s poems from memory.
And there can be no hesitation in assigning him the leading position amongst those of our living Poets who write to please, and instruct, by their playful wit, gentle satire, and tender pathos, without deeming it necessary to compose sermons in epics, or poems which require as much labour to disentangle as to solve a problem of Euclid.
And there’s no doubt that he deserves to be the top among our living poets who aim to entertain and educate with their playful humor, gentle satire, and heartfelt emotion, without feeling the need to write long-winded epics or poems that are as complicated to unravel as a Euclidean problem.
Mr. Frederick Locker, for in that name he achieved fame, was born in 1821, coming of an old and distinguished Kentish family. His father was a Civil Commissioner of Greenwich Hospital, and his grandfather was the Captain W. Locker, R. N., under whom both Lord Nelson and Lord Collingwood served. Lord Nelson attributed much of his success in battle to the maxim inculcated by his old commander, “Lay a Frenchman close, and you will beat him.”
Mr. Frederick Locker, as he became well-known, was born in 1821 to a respected and prominent family from Kent. His father served as a Civil Commissioner at Greenwich Hospital, and his grandfather was Captain W. Locker, R.N., who had both Lord Nelson and Lord Collingwood as his officers. Lord Nelson credited a lot of his battlefield success to the advice given by his old commander: “Get a Frenchman close, and you’ll defeat him.”
Captain Locker died Lieutenant-Governor of Greenwich Hospital.
Captain Locker passed away while serving as the Lieutenant Governor of Greenwich Hospital.
The literary career of Mr. Frederick Locker has been so uniformly successful that there is little to recount.
The literary career of Mr. Frederick Locker has been so consistently successful that there isn't much to talk about.
His original poems were mostly published in the magazines, until in 1857 he issued his volume entitled “London Lyrics.” The first edition, which is now very scarce, and much sought after by collectors, had a frontispiece by George Cruikshank. This book has passed through many editions, and is now published by Kegan Paul, Trench and Co., London.
His original poems were mostly published in magazines until 1857, when he released his book called “London Lyrics.” The first edition, which is now quite rare and highly sought after by collectors, featured a frontispiece by George Cruikshank. This book has gone through many editions and is currently published by Kegan Paul, Trench and Co., London.
In 1867, Mr. Locker published “Lyra Elegantiarum,” containing a collection of the best English vers-de-société, with an introduction in which he enumerated the qualifications which should be possessed by any poet who aspired to produce perfect specimens of vers-de-société.
In 1867, Mr. Locker published “Lyra Elegantiarum,” containing a collection of the best English vers-de-société, with an introduction where he listed the qualities that any poet wanting to create perfect examples of vers-de-société should have.
Mr. Locker-Lampson has also written a few humorous parodies, one of which, “Unfortunate Miss Bailey,” was given p. 47, Vol. I., Parodies.
Mr. Locker-Lampson has also written a few funny parodies, one of which, “Unfortunate Miss Bailey,” was featured on p. 47, Vol. I., Parodies.
It only remains to be said that in the following pages the extracts from his poems are inserted by the kind permission of Mr. Locker-Lampson.
It just needs to be mentioned that in the following pages, the excerpts from his poems are included with the generous permission of Mr. Locker-Lampson.
ST. JAMES’S STREET.
St. James's Street.
57
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TEMPORA MUTANTUR!
Times change!
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BRAMBLE-RISE.
Bramble Rise.
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AN INVITATION TO ROME
An Invitation to Rome
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FROM THE CRADLE.
From birth.
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AUSTIN DOBSON.
The proverb that “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” is somewhat the worse for wear, and perhaps Mr. Austin Dobson was not altogether inclined to agree with it when he heard that the Puzzle Editor of Truth had published the following notification:
The saying “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” has become a bit worn out, and maybe Mr. Austin Dobson didn’t fully agree with it when he saw that the Puzzle Editor of Truth had published the following notice:
“Truth” Puzzle, No. 472.
“Truth” Puzzle, No. 472.
Thanks to the efforts of Messrs. Austin Dobson, Andrew Lang, and others, Triolets, Ballades, Rondeaux, Vilanelles, and other metrical devices used by Villon and other French poets of the past, have been freely adapted to English verse-writing, and I am assured that I shall be setting numerous competitors an agreeable task in asking them to write a rhyming composition on one of the revived French models now so fashionable.
Thanks to the work of Austin Dobson, Andrew Lang, and others, triolets, ballades, rondeaux, villanelles, and other forms used by Villon and other French poets of the past have been freely adapted into English poetry. I’m confident that I’ll be giving many competitors a fun challenge by asking them to write a rhyming piece based on one of the popular French styles that are back in fashion now.
The Prize of Two Guineas will accordingly be given for the Best Ballade, written on any Social Subject, in accordance with the following rules:—The Ballade in its normal type, consists of three stanzas of eight lines each, followed by a verse of four lines, which is called the “envoy”—or of three verses of ten lines, with an “envoy” of five lines, each of the stanzas and the “envoy” closing with the same line, known as the “refrain.” In this instance, a Ballade of the former length is asked for—viz.; one with three eight-lined stanzas and a four-lined “envoy.” But it will be, perhaps, a better guide for competitors if I print here a Ballade as a model on which they are to form the ones they compose. Here, then, is a well-known Ballade by Mr. Austin Dobson, which must be followed so far as the arrangement of rhymes goes. The metre, though, of the Ballade often varies, and competitors are not bound to use the same metre as that employed in the subjoined specimen.
The Prize of Two Guineas will be awarded for the Best Ballade, written on any social topic, according to the following rules:—The Ballade in its standard form consists of three stanzas of eight lines each, followed by a four-line verse called the “envoy”—or three verses of ten lines, with an envoy of five lines, with each stanza and the envoy ending with the same line, known as the “refrain.” In this case, a Ballade of the former length is requested—specifically, one with three eight-line stanzas and a four-line envoy. However, it might be more helpful for participants if I provide a Ballade as a model for them to base their compositions on. Here is a well-known Ballade by Mr. Austin Dobson, which should be followed in terms of rhyme arrangement. The meter of the Ballade may vary, and participants are not required to use the same meter as that used in the example provided.
ON A FAN THAT BELONGED TO THE MARQUISE DE POMPADOUR.
ON A FAN THAT BELONGED TO THE MARQUISE DE POMPADOUR.
A very large number of replies were sent in, and examples were printed in Truth, February 23, and March 8, 1888. Although they cannot be called true parodies, yet two of the Ballades are so interesting as imitations that they are inserted. The first being that to which the prize was awarded, written by Mr. J. C. Woods, of Swansea, and the second written by Mr. F. B. Doveton, of Eastbourne.
A huge number of replies were submitted, and examples were published in Truth on February 23 and March 8, 1888. While they can't really be considered true parodies, two of the Ballades are interesting enough as imitations to be included. The first one, which won the prize, was written by Mr. J. C. Woods from Swansea, and the second was written by Mr. F. B. Doveton from Eastbourne.
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Of the other examples that were printed it must suffice to mention the titles:—
Of the other examples that were printed, it’s enough to mention the titles:—
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TU QUOQUE.
YOU TOO.
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M.P., and 223 who followed them.]
Ballades, Rondeaus and Villanelles.
The revival of the taste for these curious old French forms of poetry has received a great impetus from the delightful examples produced by Austin Dobson, Edmund Gosse, W. E. Henley, Andrew Lang, R. Le Gallienne, J. Ashby-Sterry, A. C. Swinburne, C. H. Waring and Oscar Wilde.
The renewed interest in these unique old French poetry forms has been greatly influenced by the wonderful examples created by Austin Dobson, Edmund Gosse, W. E. Henley, Andrew Lang, R. Le Gallienne, J. Ashby-Sterry, A. C. Swinburne, C. H. Waring, and Oscar Wilde.
The composition of all poetry in the English language is governed by clearly defined rules, and although a man ignorant of these rules, if gifted with a fine ear, and original conceptions, may produce a pretty song or ballad, it is very rare indeed that any truly great work is composed, which is not written in accordance with certain regulations as to metre and rhyme.
The structure of all poetry in English is guided by specific rules, and while someone who doesn't know these rules but has a good ear and original ideas might create a nice song or ballad, it's quite rare for any truly great work to be created without following certain guidelines for meter and rhyme.
In ordinary poetry these restrictions allow of great variations in style and treatment, but it is far otherwise when any of the old French poetical fashions are selected; then the rules are exact and peremptory, and for each of the following varieties, the form is clearly defined, and perfectly distinct. They are the Ballade, Chant Royal, Kyrielle, Pantoum, Rondeau Redoublé, Rondel, Rondeau, Sicilian Octave, Triolet, and Villanelle, with a few minor forms.
In standard poetry, there are many options for style and approach, but that's not the case when using any of the traditional French poetic forms; the rules are strict and definitive. For each of the following types, the structure is clearly defined and distinctly different. They are the Ballade, Chant Royal, Kyrielle, Pantoum, Rondeau Redoublé, Rondel, Rondeau, Sicilian Octave, Triolet, and Villanelle, along with a few minor forms.
It is quite beyond the scope of this collection to formulate the rules governing the composition of these poetic trifles, nor indeed is it necessary, for Mr. Gleeson White’s charming little book on the subject is readily accessible, and contains nearly all that can be said about it. It is entitled Ballades and Rondeaus, selected, with a chapter on the various forms, by Gleeson White. London, Walter Scott, 1887.
It’s beyond the purpose of this collection to lay out the rules for creating these poetic pieces, and it’s really not needed since Mr. Gleeson White’s delightful little book on the topic is easily available and covers almost everything that can be said about it. It’s titled Ballades and Rondeaus, selected with a chapter on the different forms, by Gleeson White. London, Walter Scott, 1887.
The editor’s name is sufficient to indicate that the selections are the best that could be chosen, and the introductory essay is, in itself, a distinct gain to our literature, treating as it does, of a somewhat exotic branch of poetry. Mr. Gleeson White is very much in earnest, and although he inserts a few burlesques it is evident that he regards them as desecrations of his favourite metres.
The editor's name alone shows that the selections are top-notch, and the introductory essay adds real value to our literature by focusing on a rather unique type of poetry. Mr. Gleeson White is quite serious about this, and even though he includes a few humorous pieces, it's clear that he sees them as disrespectful to his preferred styles.
To the Parodist nothing is sacred, but whilst some of the following parodies are quoted from Mr. White’s collection, those who would wish to read the originals must refer to the work itself.
To the Parodist, nothing is off-limits, but while some of the following parodies come from Mr. White’s collection, those who want to read the originals should check out the work itself.
In Punch (October 22, 1887) there was a set of verses (in honour of Mr. White’s book) written in the various metres described, and one of each of these may fitly lead the several varieties here dealt with.
In Punch (October 22, 1887), there was a collection of verses (in honor of Mr. White’s book) written in the different meters mentioned, and one of each of these can aptly introduce the various types discussed here.
THE MUSE IN MANACLES.
THE INSPIRED IN CHAINS.
(By an Envious and Irritable Bard, after reading “Ballades and Rondeaus,” just published, and wishing he could do anything like any of them.)
(By an Envious and Cranky Poet, after reading “Ballades and Rondeaus,” just published, and wishing he could create anything like them.)
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In an amusing little collection of poems quite recently published, there are several parodies and three ballades, all on legal topics, from which the following extracts are quoted by the kind permission of Messrs. Reeves and Turner. The title of the book is The Lays of a Limb of the Law, by the late John Popplestone, Town Clerk of Stourmouth, edited by Edmund B. V. Christian. London: Reeves and Turner, 1889. It contains Law Reports in the shape of parodies of Cowper’s “Alexander Selkirk;” of Pope’s translation of Homer, “The Splendid Shilling,” and of other poems in a manner somewhat similar to those contained in Professor Frederick Pollock’s well-known, but scarce little work, “Leading Cases Done into English.”
In a funny little collection of poems recently published, there are several parodies and three ballades, all on legal topics, from which the following excerpts are quoted with the kind permission of Messrs. Reeves and Turner. The title of the book is The Lays of a Limb of the Law, by the late John Popplestone, Town Clerk of Stourmouth, edited by Edmund B. V. Christian. London: Reeves and Turner, 1889. It includes Law Reports in the form of parodies of Cowper’s “Alexander Selkirk,” Pope’s translation of Homer, “The Splendid Shilling,” and other poems in a style somewhat similar to those in Professor Frederick Pollock’s well-known, but rare little work, “Leading Cases Done into English.”
Of the three ballades perhaps the following is the best:—
Of the three ballades, maybe the following is the best:—
Ballade of Old Law Books.
Ballad of Old Law Books.
“I am improving my legal knowledge, Master Copperfield, said Uriah. ‘I am going through Tidd’s Practice. Oh, what a writer Mr. Tidd is, Master Copperfield.’”
“I’m expanding my legal knowledge, Master Copperfield,” said Uriah. “I’m studying Tidd’s Practice. Oh, what a writer Mr. Tidd is, Master Copperfield.”
The first verse of each of the other two ballades will suffice:—
The first verse of each of the other two ballades will suffice:—
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THE VILLANELLE.
THE VILLANELLE.
Such was Mr. Punch’s opinion of this delicious form of verse, which must be complete in nineteen lines, arranged as above. The accepted model is the following old French Villanelle by Jean Passerat:
Such was Mr. Punch’s opinion of this delightful type of verse, which must be finished in nineteen lines, organized as mentioned above. The standard example is the following old French Villanelle by Jean Passerat:
Of modern English specimens one of the most beautiful is that by Mr. Austin Dobson “When I saw you last, Rose,” which is given in Mr. White’s book, together with a French translation of it by M. J. Boulmier.
Of modern English works, one of the most beautiful is by Mr. Austin Dobson, "When I saw you last, Rose," which is included in Mr. White’s book, along with a French translation by M. J. Boulmier.
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THE TRIOLET.
The Triolet.
The Triolet, which should consist of eight lines, but only two rhymes, is more often met with in French literature than in our own; the following old specimen was christened by Ménage le roi des Triolets:—
The Triolet usually has eight lines and only two rhymes. You find it more often in French literature than in our own. The following old example was named by Ménage le roi des Triolets:—
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THE RONDEAU.
THE RONDEAU.
The following humorous paraphrase was written, some years since, by Mr. Austin Dobson:—
The following funny paraphrase was written a few years ago by Mr. Austin Dobson:—
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BEHOLD THE DEEDS!
CHECK OUT THE DEEDS!
(Chant Royal.)
(Chant Royal.)
An American Parody.
An American Satire.
[Being the Plaint of Adolphe Culpepper Ferguson, Salesman of Fancy Notions, held in durance of his Landlady for a failure to connect on Saturday night.]
[Being the Complaint of Adolphe Culpepper Ferguson, Salesman of Fancy Goods, held by his Landlady for failing to check in on Saturday night.]
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Poets of the Æsthetic School
About ten years ago London Society was divided into two hostile Camps, one known as the Æsthetes, the other as the Philistines. Neither title was correct, nor very expressive, but each conveyed a certain meaning which even now could not be briefly expressed in more simple language.
About ten years ago, London Society was split into two opposing groups, one called the Æsthetes and the other the Philistines. Neither name was accurate or particularly descriptive, but each conveyed a certain idea that still can't be easily summarized in simpler terms.
The Æsthetes were originally a small body of artists and poets, belonging to what was called the Pre-Raphaelite school, who strove to educate the English people up to a certain standard in art and culture.
The Æsthetes were originally a small group of artists and poets from the Pre-Raphaelite movement, who aimed to elevate the English public to a certain level of art and culture.
All the men who founded this school subsequently became eminent in their professions, but they were, for many years, subjected to the ridicule and criticisms of the Philistines.
All the men who started this school eventually became well-known in their careers, but for many years, they faced mockery and criticism from the narrow-minded.
Yet it is probable that most of this opposition was directed less against the men of genius who actually created Pre-Raphaelitism, than against those too ardent devotees of the new fashion, who carried all its dictates to the extreme, and frequently turned the true and the beautiful into the absurd and grotesque by their exaggerations in dress, language, and deportment.
Yet it’s likely that most of this opposition was aimed less at the talented individuals who actually built Pre-Raphaelitism, and more at the enthusiastic followers of the new movement, who took all its guidelines to the extreme, often turning the genuine and beautiful into the absurd and ridiculous through their excessive choices in clothing, speech, and behavior.
On the other hand many of the opponents of Æstheticism were those who having seen Du Maurier’s caricatures in Punch, and witnessed Burnand’s vamped up old comedy The Colonel, or Gilbert & Sullivan’s Patience, thought themselves fully qualified to jeer at the “consummate” the “utter” and the “too-too,” without having either read a poem by Swinburne, or Morris, or having seen a painting by Burne-Jones or Dante Gabriel Rossetti.
On the other hand, many of the critics of Aestheticism were those who, having seen Du Maurier’s caricatures in Punch and watched Burnand’s revamped old comedy The Colonel, or Gilbert & Sullivan’s Patience, believed they were totally qualified to mock the “consummate,” the “utter,” and the “too-too,” without having read a poem by Swinburne or Morris, or having seen a painting by Burne-Jones or Dante Gabriel Rossetti.
This opposition did some good in its day, for although Æstheticism eventually triumphed, only the beautiful that it created has survived, the lank and melancholy maidens, and the “Grosvenor-Gallery” young men, have departed, but the revival—the Renaissance in fact—of British Art in Painting, poetry, dress, decoration, and even in house furniture, is an accomplished fact. Much has been written, and remains to be written, on this fascinating topic, but this collection cannot be made the medium for Lectures on Art.
This opposition was beneficial in its time, because although Æstheticism eventually won out, only the beauty it produced has lasted. The gaunt and sorrowful maidens, along with the “Grosvenor-Gallery” young men, have faded away, but the revival—the Renaissance of British art in painting, poetry, fashion, decoration, and even furniture—is a reality. A lot has been written, and there’s more to be said, on this intriguing topic, but this collection cannot serve as a platform for Art Lectures.
At the risk of appearing egotistical the following little work can be mentioned as conveying useful information on a subject which is certainly worthy of some little study:—
At the risk of sounding self-important, I should mention that this small work provides valuable information on a topic that definitely deserves some attention:—
“The Æsthetic Movement in England,” by Walter Hamilton. Third edition—London. Reeves and Turner, 1882.
“The Æsthetic Movement in England,” by Walter Hamilton. Third edition—London. Reeves and Turner, 1882.
Without further preface a selection of parodies will be given on the works of Rossetti, who was not only a founder of the school, but also one of its most eminent exponents.
Without more introduction, here’s a selection of parodies based on the works of Rossetti, who was not only a founder of the movement but also one of its most prominent figures.
DANTE GABRIEL ROSSETTI
Born May 12, 1828. | Died April 9, 1882.
Born May 12, 1828. | Passed away April 9, 1882.
There was a particular metre much affected by this great artist and poet, of which perhaps the best example to be found is in his weird “Sister Helen,” which has been frequently parodied. It commences thus:—
There was a specific meter that this great artist and poet really liked, and one of the best examples of it is in his unusual “Sister Helen,” which has been often parodied. It starts like this:—
This, and other poems by Rossetti, such as Eden Bower, and Troy Town, only revived a very old fashion—the ballad with a refrain or burden.
This, and other poems by Rossetti, like Eden Bower and Troy Town, just brought back a very old trend—the ballad with a refrain or chorus.
But when once it was revived so many indifferent poets attempted to utter their little insipidities in the ballad style, that the parodists soon caught the infection. One gentleman furbished up a tremendous ballad which resembled nothing so much as the cry of a costermonger, for its burden, oft repeated, was—
But when it was revived, so many mediocre poets tried to express their bland ideas in the ballad style that the parodists quickly picked up on it. One guy polished up a massive ballad that sounded more like a costermonger's shout, since its repeated refrain was—
“Apple, and orange, and nectarine,”
“Apple, orange, and nectarine,”
whilst one of the evening papers published the following satire on Rossetti’s style:—
while one of the evening papers published the following satire on Rossetti’s style:—
For the remainder of this exquisite parody, readers are referred to Mr. H. D. Traill’s Recaptured Rhymes (London, W, Blackwood & Sons, 1882), in which work it was republished.
For the rest of this clever parody, readers should check out Mr. H. D. Traill’s Recaptured Rhymes (London, W, Blackwood & Sons, 1882), where it was republished.
and pockethandkerchiefs.
The same paper, for May 23, 1885, contained another very funny parody of Rossetti; but unfortunately it was too suggestive to bear republication here.
The same paper, dated May 23, 1885, featured another really funny parody of Rossetti; but unfortunately, it was too suggestive to be republished here.
It was reserved, however, for that prince of Parodists, Charles S. Calverley, to make the ballad with a refrain supremely ridiculous:—
It was up to that master of parody, Charles S. Calverley, to create the ballad with a refrain that was incredibly ridiculous:—
In the second part of this pathetic composition the poet thus describes the melancholy sequel:—
In the second part of this sad piece, the poet describes the unhappy result:
When Mr. Calverley composed this burlesque Ballad (which is to be found in full in his Fly Leaves, published by G. Bell & Sons), it is probable that he was thinking of 72 one by Mr. Morris, entitled “Two Red Roses across the Moon” commencing “There was a lady liv’d in a hall,” and ending with the refrain which forms the title.
When Mr. Calverley wrote this comedic Ballad (which you can read in full in his Fly Leaves, published by G. Bell & Sons), he was likely inspired by 72 one by Mr. Morris, called “Two Red Roses across the Moon,” starting with “There was a lady who lived in a hall,” and finishing with the refrain that serves as the title.
Having once shown how it could be done, other comic writers followed suit, and the burlesque ballads in this style are almost too numerous to be quoted.
Having once demonstrated how it could be done, other comic writers jumped on the bandwagon, and the parody ballads in this style are nearly too numerous to mention.
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(This talented young author died in 1877, at the early age of thirty-two. The above parody originally appeared in Yorick, to accompany a cartoon by Harry Furniss.)
(This talented young author died in 1877, at the young age of thirty-two. The above parody first appeared in Yorick, alongside a cartoon by Harry Furniss.)
As recently as October 20, 1888, Punch had a similar parody entitled
As recently as October 20, 1888, Punch had a similar parody titled
Agriculture’s Latest Rôle.
Agriculture’s Latest Role.
(A Bucolic Ballad, with a Borrowed Refrain, Dedicated to the British Dairy Farmers’ Association,)
(A Bucolic Ballad, with a Borrowed Refrain, Dedicated to the British Dairy Farmers’ Association,)
73 One of the most ridiculous features of the so-called Æsthetic movement was, that a number of brainless noodles set to work to write poetry in serious imitation of Swinburne, Rossetti, and Oscar Wilde. The style was a mixture of mediæval Italian and middle English, and the one principle which guided the dolorous singers was, “We must not have any meaning, or, at any rate, the less the better.” “My lady” was addressed in all kinds of rhymes, “Love” was held responsible for legions of complicated woes, green eyes, golden eyes—even orbs “like a cat’s splendid circled eye” were quite in fashion. The recipe for this description of poetry was—Begin with an address to your lady; never mind if you have not one, for that is a mere detail. Represent her as bewitching you with the unutterably weary gaze of her eyes—or eyne—“eyne” is preferable; stick in an old word like “teen” or “drouth” or “wot” or “sooth” or “wearyhead” or “wanhope;” break out with “Lo!” and “Yea!” and “Nay!” and “Ah!” at brief intervals, and be sure to have a weird refrain. This humbug held its own for a while, but a few unsparing satirists dealt with this dreary small-fry of art, and the following, one of the most delightful modern jests was prompted by the school:—
73 One of the most ridiculous aspects of the so-called Æsthetic movement was that a bunch of clueless people started writing poetry in serious imitation of Swinburne, Rossetti, and Oscar Wilde. The style was a mix of medieval Italian and Middle English, and the main principle guiding these mournful singers was, “We shouldn’t have any meaning, or at least, the less, the better.” “My lady” was addressed in all sorts of rhymes, and “Love” was blamed for countless complicated troubles, with green eyes, golden eyes—even spheres “like a cat’s amazing rounded eye” being quite trendy. The formula for this kind of poetry went like this—Start with a tribute to your lady; it doesn’t matter if you don’t actually have one, that’s just a minor detail. Describe her as enchanting you with the utterly tired look in her eyes—or eyne—“eyne” is better; toss in an old word like “teen” or “drouth” or “wot” or “sooth” or “wearyhead” or “wanhope;” break out with “Lo!” and “Yea!” and “Nay!” and “Ah!” at short intervals, and make sure to include a strange refrain. This nonsense lasted for a while, but a few sharp satirists took on this dreary little art, and one of the most delightful modern jokes was inspired by the school:—
This masterly balderdash has imposed on many people; and the most comic thing in the world is to see an earnest person endeavouring to discover hidden meanings in it.
This clever nonsense has fooled many people; and the funniest thing in the world is to watch a serious person trying to find hidden meanings in it.
“John Bull” (a London newspaper) for November 8, 1879, contained a long article from which only the following brief notes can be quoted:—
“John Bull” (a London newspaper) for November 8, 1879, contained a long article from which only the following brief notes can be quoted:—
Immortal Pictures.
Immortal Pictures.
Mr. Rossetti has painted a picture, and in an unguarded moment permitted the Athenæum to describe it in the following language.—[Extract given in full.]
Mr. Rossetti has created a painting, and in a candid moment allowed the Athenæum to describe it in the following words.—[Extract given in full.]
Apropos of the above fragment of art-criticism, a correspondent sends us the following analysis (clipped from a rival journal) of another remarkable picture:—
Apropos of the above fragment of art criticism, a correspondent sends us the following analysis (clipped from a competing journal) of another remarkable picture:—
“It is better to speak the truth at once, and to say that we have in Mr. Symphony Priggins a master as great as the greatest; and in this picture the master-piece of a master; and in this episode of a picture the masterstroke of a master’s master-piece. The sublimity of Buonaroti, the poetic fervour of Raffaelle, the tremulous intensity of Sandro Botticelli, the correggiosity of Correggio have never raised these masters to higher heights than our own Priggins has attained in this transcendent rendering of the Dish running away with the Spoon.
“It’s better to tell the truth right away and admit that Mr. Symphony Priggins is a master as great as the greatest; and in this painting, the masterpiece of a master; and in this scene of a painting, the masterstroke of a master’s masterpiece. The greatness of Buonaroti, the poetic passion of Raffaelle, the delicate intensity of Sandro Botticelli, the unique style of Correggio have never elevated these masters to higher levels than our own Priggins has reached in this extraordinary portrayal of the Dish running away with the Spoon.”
“The artist, like some others of his craft, is, as is known, a poet of no mean pretensions; and he has set forth the inner meaning of his picture in the following lines, which form the motto on its frame:—”
“The artist, like some others in his field, is, as we know, a poet with significant ambition; and he has expressed the deeper meaning of his artwork in the following lines, which serve as the motto on its frame:—”
No one we imagine, would have been dull enough to have missed the allegory of Mr. Priggins’ great picture even without such exposition; but many, perhaps, will only feel it after this its setting forth in “perfect music matched with noble words.”
No one we can think of would have been clueless enough to miss the allegory in Mr. Priggins' great picture, even without further explanation; but many, perhaps, will only truly appreciate it after this presentation in "perfect music matched with noble words."
The following rather more serious imitation of Rossetti is from “The Diversions of the Echo Club” by Bayard Taylor. Mr. Taylor remarks that Rossetti’s poetry is encumbered with the burden of colour, sensuous expression, and mediæval imagery and drapery; but he forgot to mention that Rossetti wrote as an artist, and that some of his finest poems were written to accompany, and to elucidate, certain of his own pictures.
The following more serious imitation of Rossetti is from “The Diversions of the Echo Club” by Bayard Taylor. Mr. Taylor notes that Rossetti’s poetry is weighed down by color, sensual expression, and medieval imagery and decoration; but he overlooked the fact that Rossetti wrote as an artist, and that some of his best poems were created to go along with and explain certain of his own paintings.
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THE LEAF.
THE LEAF.
Those who have read Rossetti’s lines, commencing
Those who have read Rossetti’s lines, starting
will remember that he gives them as translated from Leopardi. It is, however, rather curious that Rossetti does not seem to have noticed that Leopardi headed his little poem “Imitazione” thus distinctly disclaiming the authorship.
will remember that he gives them as translated from Leopardi. It is, however, rather curious that Rossetti does not seem to have noticed that Leopardi titled his short poem “Imitazione,” clearly indicating that he does not claim authorship.
The following is Leopardi’s version:—
The following is Leopardi’s version:—
Leopardi translated these lines from a collection of fables by A. V. Arnault, Paris, 1826, where they are styled:—
Leopardi translated these lines from a collection of fables by A. V. Arnault, Paris, 1826, where they are styled:—
These lines had been previously translated into English, before Rossetti, by Macaulay, as follows:—
These lines had been translated into English before Rossetti by Macaulay, as follows:—
Before leaving Rossetti mention must be made of a singular series of illustrated parodies which appeared in Punch, March 3, 10, 17, 24 and 31, 1866. The illustrations, by Du Maurier, seem to have been intended partly to ridicule Burne Jones’s style, and partly that of Rossetti; as to the poem, it is of the ultra weird and sensational ballad form, with a slight dash of the “Lady of Shalott” thrown in, and the inevitable refrain, popularly supposed to be inseparable from Pre-raffaelite art.
Before leaving, it’s worth mentioning a unique series of illustrated parodies that appeared in Punch on March 3, 10, 17, 24, and 31, 1866. The illustrations by Du Maurier seem to have been intended to mock both Burne-Jones’s style and Rossetti’s. The poem follows the ultra weird and sensational ballad form, with a hint of “The Lady of Shalott” included, along with the expected refrain that is commonly thought to be part of Pre-Raphaelite art.
——:o:——
——:o:——
The following beautiful sonnet written by Miss Christina Rossetti, sister of D. G. Rossetti, appears in “Goblin Market and other Poems,” published by Macmillan & Co., 1879:
The following beautiful sonnet by Miss Christina Rossetti, sister of D. G. Rossetti, appears in “Goblin Market and other Poems,” published by Macmillan & Co., 1879:
REMEMBER.
Got it.
This appears to be almost the only poem by Miss Rossetti which has tempted the mocking-bird to sing.
This seems to be nearly the only poem by Miss Rossetti that has encouraged the mockingbird to sing.
From The Light Green. Cambridge, W. Metcalf and Sons, 1872.
From The Light Green. Cambridge, W. Metcalf and Sons, 1872.
WILLIAM MORRIS.
The author of “The Earthly Paradise” is much more than a mere poet, he is a thorough man of business, who works as an art designer, and lectures on the social improvement of the people. His poetry was thus amusingly criticised in London, 1877:—
The author of “The Earthly Paradise” is much more than just a poet; he is a dedicated businessman who works as an art designer and gives lectures on social improvement. His poetry was humorously critiqued in London, 1877:—
There are not many good parodies of Mr. Morris, the following is one of the best, though where it first appeared, or by whom it was written, cannot be stated:—
There aren't many good parodies of Mr. Morris; the following is one of the best, although we can't say where it first appeared or who wrote it:—
OSCAR WILDE.
It would be useless to attempt to give any parodies on the poems of Mr. Oscar Wilde without prefacing them with some account, however brief, of his career. In a few of the skits the allusions are already out of date, and in a short time the reasons will be quite forgotten that led to the silly ridicule and misrepresentations of which Mr. Oscar Wilde, as the Apostle of Æstheticism, was formerly the object.
It would be pointless to try to create any parodies of Mr. Oscar Wilde's poems without starting with a brief overview of his career. In some of the sketches, the references are already outdated, and soon the reasons behind the foolish mockery and misrepresentations that Mr. Oscar Wilde faced, as the Apostle of Aestheticism, will be completely forgotten.
Mr. Oscar O’Flahertie Wills Wilde was born in Dublin on October 15, 1856. His father, Sir William R. Wilde, was an eminent surgeon, and a man of literary tastes and great archæological learning.
Mr. Oscar O’Flahertie Wills Wilde was born in Dublin on October 15, 1856. His father, Sir William R. Wilde, was a well-known surgeon with a passion for literature and significant expertise in archaeology.
In 1851 Sir William (then Mr.) Wilde married a granddaughter of Archdeacon Elgee, of Wexford, a lady well known in literary circles in Dublin as having written many poems which were published in the Nation newspaper at the time of the political excitement in 1848. They appeared over the nom de plume “Speranza,” and were afterwards published in a collected form, entitled “Poems by Speranza.”
In 1851, Sir William (then Mr.) Wilde married a granddaughter of Archdeacon Elgee from Wexford, a woman who was well-known in Dublin's literary circles for having written many poems that were published in the Nation newspaper during the political excitement of 1848. They were published under the nom de plume “Speranza,” and later compiled into a collection titled “Poems by Speranza.”
Mr. Oscar Wilde early developed talents such as might have been expected in the son of highly gifted parents. Having spent about a year at Portora Royal School, Enniskillen, Mr. Wilde studied for a year at Trinity College, Dublin, where he obtained a classical scholarship at the early age of sixteen, and in 1874, won the Berkeley Gold Medal for Greek, the topic selected for that year being the Greek Comic Poets. Thence he went to Magdalen College, Oxford, where he obtained a first scholarship.
Mr. Oscar Wilde showed talents early on that you would expect from the child of very gifted parents. After spending about a year at Portora Royal School in Enniskillen, Mr. Wilde studied for a year at Trinity College, Dublin, where he earned a classical scholarship at just sixteen. In 1874, he won the Berkeley Gold Medal for Greek, with that year's topic being the Greek Comic Poets. From there, he went to Magdalen College, Oxford, where he received a first scholarship.
He soon began to show his taste for art and china, and before he had been at Oxford very long, his rooms were the show of the college, and of the university too. He was fortunate enough to obtain the best situated rooms in the college, on what is called the kitchen staircase, having a lovely view over the river Cherwell and the beautiful Magdalen walks, and Magdalen bridge. His rooms were three in number, and the walls were entirely panelled. The two sitting rooms were connected by an arch, where folding doors had at one time stood. His blue china was supposed by connoisseurs to be very valuable and fine, and there was plenty of it. He was hospitable, and on Sunday nights after “Common Room,” his rooms were generally the scene of conviviality, where undergraduates of all descriptions and tastes were to be met, drinking punch, or a B. and S. with their cigars. It was at one of these entertainments that he made his well-known remark, “Oh, that I could live up to my blue china!”
He quickly started showing his appreciation for art and china, and before he had been at Oxford for very long, his rooms were the highlight of both the college and the university. He was lucky enough to get the best rooms in the college, located on what’s known as the kitchen staircase, offering a beautiful view over the River Cherwell and the scenic Magdalen walks and Magdalen Bridge. He had three rooms in total, and the walls were completely panelled. The two sitting rooms were connected by an arch where folding doors had once been. His blue china was considered by experts to be very valuable and exquisite, and there was plenty of it. He was welcoming, and on Sunday nights after "Common Room," his rooms were usually the place to be for socializing, where students of all kinds gathered to enjoy punch or a B. and S. with their cigars. It was during one of these gatherings that he famously said, “Oh, that I could live up to my blue china!”
Besides minor scholarships, he took the Newdigate, a prize for English verse, in 1878, and a first in Literis Humanioribus, after which he took his degree.
Besides minor scholarships, he won the Newdigate, which is a prize for English poetry, in 1878, and graduated with a first in Literis Humanioribus, after which he earned his degree.
During this period he produced a number of poems, these were published, some in The Month, others in the Catholic Monitor, and the Irish Monthly. A number of his short poems also appeared in Kottabos, a small magazine written by members of Trinity College, Dublin.
During this time, he wrote several poems, which were published in various places: some in The Month, others in the Catholic Monitor, and the Irish Monthly. Several of his short poems also appeared in Kottabos, a small magazine created by students from Trinity College, Dublin.
The first number of Mr. Edmund Yates’s Time, April 1879, contained a short poem by Oscar Wilde, entitled “The Conqueror of Time,” and to the July number he contributed “The New Helen.” Some of the foregoing poems, with others not previously published, appeared in a volume, entitled “Poems” by Oscar Wilde, published in 1881 by David Bogue, which speedily ran through several editions.
The first issue of Mr. Edmund Yates's Time, published in April 1879, included a short poem by Oscar Wilde titled "The Conqueror of Time," and he contributed "The New Helen" to the July issue. Some of the poems mentioned earlier, along with others that hadn't been published before, were included in a collection called "Poems" by Oscar Wilde, which was released in 1881 by David Bogue and quickly went through several editions.
When referring to this volume in “The Æsthetic Movement in England” mention was made of Mr. Wilde’s exquisite little poem
When discussing this volume in “The Æsthetic Movement in England,” there was a reference to Mr. Wilde’s beautiful little poem.
concerning which Mr. G. A. Sala wrote to the Editor (on August 17, 1882.) “I note your book for a proximate ‘Echo.’ I have not read Oscar Wilde’s poems, but in the very sweet stanzas (‘Requiescat’) which you quote, I mark a singular passage:—
concerning which Mr. G. A. Sala wrote to the Editor (on August 17, 1882.) “I’m noting your book for a nearby ‘Echo.’ I haven’t read Oscar Wilde’s poems, but in the very lovely stanzas (‘Requiescat’) that you quote, I notice a unique —
Golden hair (experto crede) does not tarnish in the tomb. Read the last paragraph in Zola’s Nana, which physiologically, is astoundingly accurate.”
Golden hair (experto crede) does not tarnish in the tomb. Read the last paragraph in Zola’s Nana, which is astonishingly accurate from a physiological standpoint.
Faithfully always,
Always loyal,
George Augustus Sala.
George Augustus Sala.
The passage relating to the death of Nana runs thus:— “Et, sur ce masque horrible et grotesque du néant, les cheveux, les beaux cheveux gardant leur flambée de soleil, coulaient en un ruissellement d’or, Vénus se décomposait.”
The passage about the death of Nana goes like this: Understood! Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize. “And on this terrible and ghastly mask of emptiness, the hair, the beautiful hair still shining with sunlight, flowed like a stream of gold; Venus was decaying.”
The interest in the Æsthetic School had sometime since spread to the United States, and when the opera of Patience was produced it occurred to Mr. Wilde that a visit to the States to give some lectures, explanatory of real Æstheticism as it exists amongst us, might interest and possibly instruct and elevate our transatlantic cousins.
The interest in the Aesthetic Movement had spread to the United States, and when the opera Patience was produced, Mr. Wilde thought that a trip to the States to give some lectures explaining real Aestheticism as it exists here might interest and possibly teach and uplift our friends across the Atlantic.
In some of his early utterances he was unguarded; he admitted, for instance, that he was not strongly impressed with the mighty ocean, and great was the flow of wit from this small cause:—
In some of his early comments, he was open; he confessed, for example, that he wasn't particularly struck by the vast ocean, and there was a lot of cleverness that came from this small cause:—
He went to Omaha, where, under the auspices of the Social Art Club, he delivered a lecture on “Decorative Art,” in the course of which he described his impressions of many American houses as being “illy designed, decorated shabbily, and in bad taste, and filled with furniture that was not honestly made, and was out of character.” This statement gave rise to the following verses:—
He traveled to Omaha, where, with the support of the Social Art Club, he gave a talk on “Decorative Art.” During his lecture, he shared his thoughts on many American homes, describing them as “poorly designed, decorated badly, and in bad taste, filled with furniture that wasn’t well made and didn’t fit the style.” This statement inspired the following verses:—
From the States he went to Canada, and thence to Nova Scotia, the Halifax Morning Herald of October 10, 1882, gave an amusing account of an interview held with him by their own “Interviewer.” “The apostle had no lily, nor yet a sunflower. He wore a velvet jacket which seemed to be a good jacket. He had an ordinary necktie and wore a linen collar about number eighteen on a neck half a dozen sizes smaller. His legs were in trousers, and his boots were apparently the product of New York art, judging by their pointed toes. His hair is the colour of straw, slightly leonine, and when not looked after, goes climbing all over his features. Mr. Wilde was communicative and genial; he said he found Canada pleasant, but in answer to a question as to whether European or American women were the more beautiful, he dexterously evaded his querist.”
From the States, he headed to Canada and then to Nova Scotia. The Halifax Morning Herald on October 10, 1882, shared a funny account of an interview with him conducted by their own “Interviewer.” “The apostle had no lily or sunflower. He wore a velvet jacket that looked quite nice. He had a regular necktie and a linen collar that was about a size eighteen on a neck that was several sizes smaller. His legs were in trousers, and his boots seemed to be a product of New York craftsmanship, judging by their pointed toes. His hair was straw-colored, a bit lion-like, and when not styled, it went all over his face. Mr. Wilde was talkative and friendly; he mentioned he found Canada nice, but when asked whether European or American women were more beautiful, he skillfully dodged the question.”
The remainder of the conversation was devoted to poetry; he expressed his opinion that Poe was the greatest American poet, and that Walt Whitman, if not a poet, is a man who sounds a strong note, perhaps neither prose nor poetry, but something of his own that is grand, original and unique.
The rest of the conversation focused on poetry; he shared his view that Poe was the greatest American poet, and that Walt Whitman, whether or not he qualifies as a poet, is a person who strikes a powerful chord—something that's neither strictly prose nor poetry, but rather his own grand, original, and unique style.
On this topic The Century, for November, 1882, contained an exquisitely humorous poem written by Helen Gray Cone, describing an imaginary interview between Oscar Wilde and the great poetical Egotist—Walt Whitman. The style and diction of both are admirably hit off. The parody of Whitman reads, indeed, like an excerpt from his works.
On this topic The Century, for November, 1882, featured a wonderfully funny poem by Helen Gray Cone, depicting a fictional interview between Oscar Wilde and the legendary poetical Egotist—Walt Whitman. The style and language of both are perfectly captured. The parody of Whitman genuinely resembles a passage from his writings.
Unfortunately, as the poem is very long, only an extract can be given:—
Unfortunately, since the poem is quite lengthy, only an excerpt can be given:—
Narcissus in Camden.
Narcissus in Camden.
(“In the course of his lecture, Mr. Wilde remarked that the most impressive room he had yet entered in America was the one in Camden Town, where he met Walt Whitman. It contained plenty of fresh air and sunlight. On the table was a simple cruse of water.”)
(“During his lecture, Mr. Wilde mentioned that the most remarkable room he had visited in America was the one in Camden Town, where he met Walt Whitman. It had an abundance of fresh air and sunlight. On the table was a simple pitcher of water.”)
Paumanokides. Narcissus.
Paumanokides. Narcissus.
Punch also had a very funny burlesque description of
Punch also had a really funny parody description of
“OSCAR INTERVIEWED.
“OSCAR INTERVIEWED.”
“New York, Jan., 1882.
“New York, Jan., 1882.”
“Determined to anticipate the rabble of penny-a-liners ready to pounce upon any distinguished foreigner who approaches our shores, and eager to assist a sensitive Poet in avoiding the impertinent curiosity and ill-bred insolence of the Professional Reporter, I took the fastest pilot-boat on the station, and boarded the splendid Cunard steamer, The Boshnia, in the shucking of a pea-nut.
“Determined to stay ahead of the crowd of cheap writers ready to jump on any notable foreigner who arrives on our shores, and eager to help a sensitive poet avoid the rude curiosity and ill-mannered behavior of the professional reporter, I took the fastest pilot boat available and boarded the impressive Cunard steamer, The Boshnia, in the blink of an eye.”
“His Æsthetic Appearance.
“His Aesthetic Look.
“He stood, with his large hand passed through his long hair, against a high chimney-piece—which had been painted pea-green, with panels of peacock blue pottery let in at uneven intervals—one elbow on the high ledge, the other hand on his hip. He was dressed in a long, snuff-coloured, single-breasted coat, which reached to his heels, and was relieved with a seal-skin collar and cuffs rather the worse for wear. Frayed linen, and an orange silk handkerchief gave a note to the generally artistic colouring of the ensemble, while one small daisy drooped despondently in his button-hole.
“He stood with his large hand running through his long hair, leaning against a tall chimney that had been painted pea green, with panels of peacock blue pottery set in at uneven intervals—one elbow on the high ledge, the other hand on his hip. He was wearing a long, snuff-colored, single-breasted coat that reached his heels, featuring a seal-skin collar and cuffs that were a bit worn. Frayed linen and an orange silk handkerchief added a touch to the overall artistic coloring of the ensemble, while a small daisy drooped sadly in his buttonhole."
“His Glorious Past.
“His Glorious Past.”
“Precisely—I took the Newdigate. Oh! no doubt, every year some man gets the Newdigate; but not every year does Newdigate get an Oscar. Since then—barely three years, but centuries to such as I am—I have stood upon the steps of London Palaces—in South Kensington—and preached Æsthetic art. I have taught the wan beauty to wear nameless robes, have guided her limp limbs into sightless knots and curving festoons, while we sang of the sweet sad sin of Swinburne, or the lone delight of soft communion with Burne-Jones. Swinburne had made a name, and Burne-Jones had copied illuminations e’er the first silky down had fringed my upper lip, but the Trinity of Inner Brotherhood was not complete till I came forward, like the Asphodel from the wilds of Arcady, to join in sweet antiphonal counterchanges with the Elder Seers. We are a Beautiful Family—we are, we are, we are!”
“Exactly—I got the Newdigate. Oh! no doubt, every year someone wins the Newdigate; but not every year does Newdigate win an Oscar. Since then—just three years, but feels like centuries for someone like me—I’ve stood on the steps of London Palaces—in South Kensington—and promoted Æsthetic art. I’ve taught the pale beauty to wear nameless robes, have guided her limp limbs into sightless knots and curving drapes, while we sang about the sweet sad sin of Swinburne, or the solitary joy of soft communion with Burne-Jones. Swinburne had made a name for himself, and Burne-Jones had been imitating illuminations since before the first silky hair grew on my upper lip, but the three-way Inner Brotherhood wasn’t complete until I stepped in, like the Asphodel from the wilds of Arcadia, to join in harmonious counterchanges with the Elder Seers. We are a Beautiful Family—we are, we are, we are!”
“Yes; I expect my Lecture will be a success. So does Dollar Carte—I mean D’Oyly Carte. Too-Toothless Senility may jeer, and poor positive Propriety may shake her rusty curls; but I am here, to pipe of Passion’s venturous Poesy, and reap the scorching harvest of Self-Love! I am not quite sure what I mean. The true Poet never is. In fact, true Poetry is nothing if it is intelligible.
“Yes; I expect my lecture will be a success. So does Dollar Carte—I mean D’Oyly Carte. Toothless old age may mock, and uptight propriety may shake her rusty curls; but I’m here to sing of passion’s adventurous poetry and enjoy the burning reward of self-love! I’m not exactly sure what I mean. The true poet never is. In fact, true poetry is nothing if it’s understandable."
“His Kosmic Soul.
“His Cosmic Soul.
“Oh, yes! I speak most languages; in the sweet honey-tinted brogue my own land lends me. La bella Donna della mia Mente exists, but she is not the Jersey Lily, though I have grovelled at her feet; she is not the Juno Countess, though I have twisted my limbs all over her sofas; she is not the Polish Actress, though I have sighed and wept over all the boxes of the Court Theatre; she is not the diaphanous Sarah, though I have crawled after her footsteps through the heavy fields of scentless Asphodel; she is not the golden haired Ellen, more fair than any woman Veronesé looked upon, though I have left my Impressions on many and many a seat in the Lyceum Temple, where she is High Priestess; nor is she one of the little Nameless Naiads I have met in Lotus-haunts, who, with longing eyes, watch the sweet bubble of the frenzied grape. No, Sir, my real Love is my own Kosmic Soul, enthroned in its flawless essence; and when America can grasp the supreme whole I sing in too-too utterance for vulgar lips, then soul and body will blend in mystic symphonies; then, crowned with bellamours and wanton flower-de-luce, I shall be hailed Lord of a new Empery, and as I stain my lips in the bleeding wounds of the Pomegranate, and wreathe my o’ergrown limbs with the burnished disk of the Sunflower, Apollo will turn pale and lashing the restive horses of the Sun, the tamer chariot of a forgotten god will make way for the glorious zenith of the one Oscar Wilde.”
“Oh, yes! I speak many languages, with the sweet, honey-tinted accent of my homeland. La bella Donna della mia Mente exists, but she isn’t the Jersey Lily, even though I’ve adored her; she isn’t the Juno Countess, even though I’ve sprawled across her sofas; she isn’t the Polish Actress, even though I’ve sighed and cried over all the seats in the Court Theatre; she isn’t the ethereal Sarah, even though I’ve followed her footsteps through the heavy fields of scentless Asphodel; she isn’t the golden-haired Ellen, more beautiful than any woman Veronesé painted, even though I’ve left my Impressions on countless seats in the Lyceum Temple, where she reigns as High Priestess; nor is she one of the little Nameless Naiads I’ve encountered in Lotus-haunts, who, with longing eyes, watch the sweet bubbles from the frenzied grape. No, Sir, my true Love is my own Cosmic Soul, seated in its pure essence; and when America can comprehend the ultimate whole I sing about in words too grand for ordinary lips, then soul and body will merge in mystical harmonies; then, crowned with beauty and wild flowers, I will be celebrated as Lord of a new Empire, and as I touch my lips to the bleeding wounds of the Pomegranate, and wrap my overgrown limbs with the shining disk of the Sunflower, Apollo will grow pale and, driving the restless horses of the Sun, the chariot of a forgotten god will make way for the glorious zenith of the one Oscar Wilde.”
81 Since his return from America Mr. Oscar Wilde has settled in London, and is known in society as a genial and witty gentleman, and a particularly graceful after-dinner speaker. He is the Editor of The Woman’s World, a very high class magazine, published by Cassell and Co., in which he has ample opportunities of advocating his favourite cult, the worship of the beautiful in Nature and in Art.
81 Since returning from America, Mr. Oscar Wilde has settled in London, where he is recognized as a charming and witty gentleman, as well as a particularly graceful speaker at dinner events. He is the Editor of The Woman’s World, a prestigious magazine published by Cassell and Co., which provides him plenty of opportunities to promote his favorite cult, the appreciation of beauty in Nature and Art.
From Poems and Parodies. By Two Undergrads. Oxford. B. H. Blackwell, 1880.
From Poems and Parodies. By Two Undergrads. Oxford. B. H. Blackwell, 1880.
(This little paper-covered pamphlet was originally published at the price of one shilling; it was withdrawn from circulation, and is consequently very scarce.)
(This little paper-covered pamphlet was originally published at the price of one shilling; it was withdrawn from circulation, and is consequently very scarce.)
In 1881 and 1882 Punch teemed with parodies on Oscar Wilde, one of the best appeared May 28, 1881:—
In 1881 and 1882, Punch was full of parodies about Oscar Wilde, one of the best was published on May 28, 1881:—
The titles of some others are;—
The titles of some others are:—
| April 9, 1881. | A Maudle-in Ballad to his Lily. |
| June 23, 1881. | Maunderings at Marlow. |
| October 1, 1881. | The Æsthete to the Rose. |
| November 26, 1881. | The Downfall of the Dado. |
| January 14, 1882. | Murder made Easy. |
| March 31, 1883. | Sage Green, by a Fading-out Æsthete. |
this latter contained the following verses:—
this latter contained the following verses:—
Oscar Wilde’s “The Harlot’s House.”)
A “Rose” Ball.
A "Rose" Ball.
A Rose, or Maidens’ Ball took place, in July 1885, at Hyde Park House, which was lent for the occasion by Mrs. Naylor-Leyland. It was a complete success, in spite of the absence of Royalty. As a social gathering, it was the smartest dance of the season, while, from a girl’s point of view, there has been no ball in London to equal it for many a day. Each fair donor paid five pounds, for which she was allowed to ask five men, and in almost every case the favoured five put in an appearance; so instead of the dancing-rooms being filled with girls anxiously looking for partners, the tables were turned, and the black coats had to take their turn at playing wallflowers—an amusement, to judge from some of their remarks, that they did not all appreciate. Each maiden carried a bouquet of roses, and almost all the floral decorations were confined to various varieties of the same flower.
A Rose, or Maidens’ Ball took place in July 1885 at Hyde Park House, lent for the occasion by Mrs. Naylor-Leyland. It was a complete success, despite the absence of royalty. As a social gathering, it was the most fashionable dance of the season, and from a girl's perspective, there hadn’t been a ball in London to match it for quite some time. Each lady paid five pounds, allowing her to invite five men, and almost all the chosen five showed up; so instead of the dance floor being filled with girls anxiously searching for partners, the roles were reversed, and the guys had to take their turn at being wallflowers—an activity, judging by some of their comments, that not everyone enjoyed. Each girl carried a bouquet of roses, and nearly all the floral decorations featured various types of the same flower.
From Ballades of a Country Bookworm, by Thomas Hutchinson. London, Stanesby & Co. 1888.
From Ballades of a Country Bookworm, by Thomas Hutchinson. London, Stanesby & Co. 1888.
ARTHUR W. E. O’SHAUGHNESSY.
Was born in 1844, and at the age of twenty obtained a position in the Natural History Department of the British Museum. In 1873 he married Miss Eleanor Marston, who assisted her husband in some of his early works, especially in a volume entitled “Toyland,” published in 1875.
Was born in 1844, and at the age of twenty got a job in the Natural History Department of the British Museum. In 1873, he married Miss Eleanor Marston, who helped her husband with some of his early works, particularly in a book called “Toyland,” published in 1875.
But Mrs. O’Shaughnessy and her two children all died in 1879, and the unfortunate young poet did not long survive them, he dying in London early in 1881.
But Mrs. O’Shaughnessy and her two children all died in 1879, and the unfortunate young poet did not live much longer after that, passing away in London early in 1881.
His early books—“An Epic of Women” (1870); and “Lays of France” (1872), were successful, but “Music and Moonlight” (1874), was coldly received.
His early books—“An Epic of Women” (1870) and “Lays of France” (1872) were successful, but “Music and Moonlight” (1874) was met with indifference.
This parody originally appeared in The Shotover Papers, Oxford, May 1874.
This parody first appeared in The Shotover Papers, Oxford, May 1874.
Here is another parody of Mr. C. S. Calverley’s style:—
Here’s another parody of Mr. C. S. Calverley’s style:—
It should be mentioned, in connection with Mr. J. Ashby-Sterry, that The Muse in Manacles, quoted on page 64, was from his pen.
It should be noted, in relation to Mr. J. Ashby-Sterry, that The Muse in Manacles, mentioned on page 64, was written by him.
FREDERICK LOCKER-LAMPSON.
FREDERICK LOCKER-LAMPSON.
It should have been mentioned, in connection with the poems of this gentleman, that illustrated articles concerning his life and works appeared in Once a Week, September 7, 1872, and The Century, February, 1883. Both contained portraits, the one in The Century having been drawn by Mr. George Du Maurier. Mr. Locker’s poem “St. James’s Street,” (see page 56) originally appeared in The Times, in 1867.
It should be noted that articles featuring his life and work were published in Once a Week on September 7, 1872, and in The Century in February 1883. Both articles included portraits, with the one in The Century illustrated by Mr. George Du Maurier. Mr. Locker’s poem “St. James’s Street,” (see page 56) first appeared in The Times in 1867.
BALLADES, RONDEAUS, AND VILLANELLES.
Ballades, rondes, and villanelles.
Since the last part was published several parodies on these exotics have been sent in by various correspondents, and it would be ungracious not to include them, indeed, the collection would be incomplete without them. The first humorous Ballade, aptly enough, is from the pen of Mr. Gleeson White, whose book on Ballades and Rondeaus has already been alluded to:—
Since the last section was published, several parodies of these exotics have been submitted by different contributors, and it would be rude not to include them; in fact, the collection would be incomplete without them. The first funny Ballade, quite fittingly, comes from Mr. Gleeson White, whose book on Ballades and Rondeaus has already been mentioned to:—
The following well known Ballade originally appeared in Mr. Andrew Lang’s Ballades in Blue China, the first (1880) edition of which is so much prized by collectors.
The following well-known Ballade originally appeared in Mr. Andrew Lang’s Ballades in Blue China, the first edition (1880) of which is highly valued by collectors.
BALLADE OF PRIMITIVE MAN.
Ballad of Primitive Man.
The Universal Review, for December, 1888, contained a peculiar article by Mr. H. D. Traill, entitled “The Doom of the Muses,” in which he satirically describes the present position of the Fine Arts. Dealing with Poetry, he thus alludes to the present craze for the Ballade:—
The Universal Review, for December, 1888, featured an interesting article by Mr. H. D. Traill, titled “The Doom of the Muses,” where he humorously discusses the current state of the Fine Arts. In his remarks on Poetry, he references the current obsession with the Ballade:—
From Ballades of a Country Bookworm. By Thomas Hutchinson. London, Stanesby & Co. 1888.
From Ballades of a Country Bookworm. By Thomas Hutchinson. London, Stanesby & Co. 1888.
Some years ago Mr. Austin Dobson wrote a few comical Triolets, which appeared in “Hood’s Comic Annual.” These have not been included in recent English editions of his poems—which is to be regretted.
Some years ago, Mr. Austin Dobson wrote a few funny Triolets, which were published in “Hood’s Comic Annual.” These haven’t been included in the latest English editions of his poems—which is unfortunate.
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The University News Sheet. St. Andrew’s. March 3, 1886.
The University News Sheet. St. Andrew’s. March 3, 1886.
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Villanelle.
Villanelle.
“How to compose a Villanelle, which is said to require an elaborate amount of care in production, which those who read only would hardly suspect existed.”
“How to write a Villanelle, which is said to take a significant amount of effort to create, something that those who only read would hardly guess is true.”
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AN OLD SONG BY NEW SINGERS.
AN OLD SONG BY NEW SINGERS.
Martin Farquhar Tupper.
This gentleman was born in London in 1810, and educated, first at the Charterhouse school, and afterwards at Christ Church, Oxford, where he graduated B.A., M.A., and D.C.L. The author of many works, both in prose and verse, Mr. Tupper has been hardly dealt with by the critics, and the parodists.
This gentleman was born in London in 1810, and educated, first at Charterhouse school, and later at Christ Church, Oxford, where he earned his B.A., M.A., and D.C.L. The author of many works, both in prose and verse, Mr. Tupper has not been treated fairly by critics and parodists.
The reasons for this perversity on their part cannot here be considered, only the Parodies as they exist can be dealt with.
The reasons for this weird behavior on their part can't be explored here; we can only address the Parodies as they are.
The following lines, which were written many years ago by “Cuthbert Bede” in his Shilling Book of Beauty, neatly sum up Proverbial Philosophy:—
The following lines, which were written many years ago by "Cuthbert Bede" in his Shilling Book of Beauty, neatly sum up Proverbial Philosophy:—
Another old parody may be quoted from the second volume of Punch, (1842).
Another old parody can be referenced from the second volume of Punch, (1842).
A parody of a somewhat more spiteful character appeared in Punch, August 23, 1856, but the circumstances to which it alluded are now forgotten, so that the parody lacks interest: a few verses only need be quoted:—
A parody of a somewhat more spiteful character appeared in Punch, August 23, 1856, but the circumstances it referenced are now forgotten, making the parody less interesting: only a few verses need to be quoted:—
In Banter (a comic paper edited by Mr. G. A. Sala) for November 11, 1867, there was a parody of Tupper, entitled Proverbial Philosophy of Sausages, but it was not very amusing; and in the same paper, for November 18, there was a burlesque description of a dinner given to Mr. Tupper, and of an after-dinner speech he delivered in which he explained the dodges and devices he had practised in order to puff his works, and increase the sale of Proverbial Philosophy.
In Banter (a comic magazine edited by Mr. G. A. Sala) on November 11, 1867, there was a parody of Tupper called Proverbial Philosophy of Sausages, but it wasn't very funny. In the same magazine on November 18, there was a humorous take on a dinner held for Mr. Tupper, along with a speech he gave afterward where he talked about the tricks and strategies he used to promote his works and boost sales of Proverbial Philosophy.
The Fall of Tupper.
The Decline of Tupper.
We are too often painfully reminded that the best of us are but very frail. A very painful case of moral declension has occurred lately. Martin Farquhar Tupper, the great moral philosopher at whose feet all England has sat so long and learnt so much, that great and good man who had discovered a new species of poetry which was neither rhyme nor reason, but all beautiful pure sentiment, has come down to writing rhyme! Happily he has not yet reached the next stage—he has not fallen so low yet as to incur the suspicion of writing reason. But this abandonment of his principles has been, we fear, the result of bad company, for—our heart breaks almost while we pen the words,—but it is too plain, we cannot shut our eyes to the cruel truth—Martin Farquhar Tupper has fallen into the power of Algernon Charles Swinburne!! He, the purest of philosophers, the chosen minstrel of the Evangelical Church, has been studying the words of the erotic Pagan bard, the laureate of Venus and Faustina!
We’re often painfully reminded that even the best among us are very fragile. Recently, a very distressing case of moral decline has occurred. Martin Farquhar Tupper, the great moral philosopher whom all of England has admired and learned from for so long, that exceptional man who created a new form of poetry that was neither rhyme nor reason, but purely beautiful sentiment, has started writing rhyme! Thankfully, he hasn’t yet reached the next level—he hasn’t fallen so low as to raise suspicions of writing reason. But we fear that this departure from his principles is due to bad influences, for—our hearts break as we write this—but it’s too obvious; we can’t ignore the painful truth—Martin Farquhar Tupper has come under the influence of Algernon Charles Swinburne!! He, the purest of philosophers, the chosen minstrel of the Evangelical Church, has been influenced by the words of the erotic Pagan poet, the laureate of Venus and Faustina!
We are enabled, by a wonderful effort of clairvoyance, to publish a poem which the modest songster of The Rock has held back, the charming domestic interest and true Protestant flavour of which must commend it to all admirers of Martin Farquhar Tupper:—
We are fortunate to share a poem that the humble poet of The Rock has kept to himself. Its delightful domestic themes and genuine Protestant essence will surely appeal to all fans of Martin Farquhar Tupper:—
The following excellent parody has been ascribed to Mr. Andrew Lang:—
The following great parody has been credited to Mr. Andrew Lang:—
WILLIAM AND MARGARET.
WILLIAM AND MARGARET.
By David Mallet. Born, 1700. Died, 1765.
By David Mallet. Born, 1700. Died, 1765.
A Latin version of this ballad was written by Mr. Vincent Bourne, entitled Thyrsis et Chloe. It can readily be found in his works, but the following anonymous French translation is not so well known:—
A Latin version of this ballad was written by Mr. Vincent Bourne, titled Thyrsis et Chloe. It can easily be found in his works, but the following anonymous French translation is not as well known:—
The following ballad, which was once very popular among the lower orders, is said to be founded on “William and Margaret”:—
The following ballad, which was once very popular among the lower classes, is said to be based on "William and Margaret":—
The Rev. George Crabbe.
Born December 24, 1754. Died Feb. 3, 1832.
Born December 24, 1754. Died February 3, 1832.
Although the works of this author are now but little read, they were widely popular at the time when the brothers Smith produced The Rejected Addresses in 1812, and naturally Mr. Crabbe’s poetry came in for imitation. Indeed this particular imitation was singled out by Lord 94 Jeffrey as being the best piece in the collection. “It is,” said he, “an exquisite and most masterly imitation, not only of the peculiar style, but of the taste, temper, and manner of description of that most original author (Crabbe), and can hardly be said to be in any respect a caricature of that style or manner, except in the excessive profusion of puns and verbal jingles, which are never so thick sown in the original works as in this admirable imitation.”
Although this author's works are not widely read today, they were very popular when the Smith brothers released The Rejected Addresses in 1812, and naturally, Mr. Crabbe’s poetry inspired imitation. In fact, this particular imitation was noted by Lord 94 Jeffrey as the best piece in the collection. “It is,” he said, “an exquisite and masterful imitation, not only of the unique style but also of the taste, mood, and descriptive manner of that very original author (Crabbe), and can hardly be considered a caricature of that style or manner, except for the excessive use of puns and wordplay, which are never as abundant in the original works as they are in this amazing imitation.”
Even Mr. Crabbe, himself, was amused, he wrote “There is a little ill-nature in their prefatory address; but in their versification they have done me admirably, yet it is easier to imitate style than to furnish matter.”
Even Mr. Crabbe himself found it funny. He wrote, “Their introductory comments show a bit of bad attitude, but they have captured my style perfectly in their verses. However, it's easier to copy a style than to come up with original content.”
From this it will be gathered that the prose introduction is as much a parody as the poem, both of which were written by James Smith, who gives the following lines as a fair sample of Mr. Crabbe’s versification:—
From this, it's clear that the prose introduction is just as much a parody as the poem, both of which were written by James Smith, who presents the following lines as a good example of Mr. Crabbe’s versification:—
and as to his jingling style he mentions that Crabbe thus describes a thrifty house-wife:—
and regarding his jingling style, he notes that Crabbe describes a frugal house-spouse:—
“Heaven in her eye, and in her hand her keys.”
“Heaven in her eyes, and her keys in her hand.”
THE THEATRE.
THEATER.
A Preface of Apologies.
A Preface of Apologies.
If the following poem should be fortunate enough to be selected for the opening address, a few words of explanation may be deemed necessary, on my part, to avert invidious misrepresentation. The animadversion I have thought it right to make on the noise created by tuning the orchestra, will, I hope, give no lasting remorse to any of the gentlemen employed in the band. It is to be desired that they would keep their instruments ready tuned, and strike off at once. This would be an accommodation to many well-meaning persons who frequent the theatre, who, not being blest with the ear of St. Cecilia, mistake the tuning for the overture, and think the latter concluded before it is begun.
If the following poem is lucky enough to be chosen for the opening address, I feel it's important to say a few things to avoid any unfair misunderstandings. I hope my comments on the noise made during the orchestra's tuning won’t leave any lasting resentment among the musicians. It would be great if they could keep their instruments properly tuned and ready to play right away. This would really help the many well-meaning people who attend the theater, who, not having the ear of St. Cecilia, confuse the tuning for the overture and think the latter is over before it even starts.
was originally written “one hautboy will;” but, having providentially been informed, when this poem was on the point of being sent off, that there is but one hautboy in the band, I averted the storm of popular and managerial indignation from the head of its blower: as it now stands, “one fiddle” among many, the faulty individual will, I hope, escape detection. The story of the flying play-bill is calculated to expose a practice much too common, of pinning play-bills to the cushions insecurely, and frequently, I fear, not pinning them at all. If these lines save one play-bill only from the fate I have recorded, I shall not deem my labour ill-employed. The concluding episode of Patrick Jennings glances at the boorish fashion of wearing the hat in the one-shilling gallery. Had Jennings thrust his between his feet at the commencement of the play, he might have leaned forward with impunity, and the catastrophe I relate would not have occurred. The line of handkerchiefs formed to enable him to recover his loss is purposely so crossed in texture and materials as to mislead the reader in respect to the real owner of any one of them. For in the statistical view of life and manners which I occasionally present, my clerical profession has taught me how extremely improper it would be, by any allusion, however slight, to give any uneasiness, however trivial, to any individual, however foolish or wicked.
was originally written “one oboe will;” but, having fortunately been informed, just before this poem was about to be sent off, that there is only one oboe in the band, I managed to prevent a wave of public and managerial anger from landing on its player: as it now reads, “one fiddle” among many, the flawed individual will, I hope, go unnoticed. The story of the flying playbill is meant to highlight a practice that is far too common—pinning playbills to the cushions insecurely and often, I fear, not pinning them at all. If these lines save even one playbill from the fate I've described, I won't consider my effort wasted. The final episode featuring Patrick Jennings comments on the rude habit of wearing a hat in the one-shilling gallery. Had Jennings placed his hat between his feet at the start of the play, he could have leaned forward without worry, and the disaster I recount wouldn’t have happened. The line of handkerchiefs created to help him retrieve his loss is intentionally mixed in texture and material to confuse the reader about the true owner of any of them. For in the statistical view of life and manners I sometimes present, my clerical profession has taught me how terribly inappropriate it would be, by any hint, however small, to cause any discomfort, however trivial, to any individual, no matter how foolish or wicked.
G. C.
G. C.
The Theatre.
The Theater.
Interior of a Theatre described.—Pit gradually fills.—The Check-taker.—Pit full.—The Orchestra tuned.—One fiddle rather dilatory.—Is reproved—and repents.—Evolutions of a Play-bill.—Its final settlement on the Spikes.—The Gods taken to task—and why.—Motley Group of Play-goers.—Holywell Street, St. Pancras.—Emanuel Jennings binds his Son apprentice—not in London—and why.—Episode of the Hat.
Interior of a theater described.—The pit gradually fills.—The ticket taker.—The pit is full.—The orchestra is tuning up.—One fiddle is a bit slow.—It gets corrected—and feels sorry about it.—The drama of a playbill.—Its final placement on the spikes.—The audience is held accountable—and why.—Diverse group of theatergoers.—Holywell Street, St. Pancras.—Emanuel Jennings apprentices his son—not in London—and the reason why.—Episode of the hat.
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The First Parody in “Rejected Addresses.”
The very first author selected for imitation by the Smiths was one whose writings have long since been forgotten, and whose name alone is preserved from oblivion by Byron’s lines:—
The very first author chosen for imitation by the Smiths was someone whose writings have long been forgotten, and whose name is only remembered because of Byron’s lines:—
Mr. W. T. Fitzgerald actually sent in a serious address to the Drury Lane Committee on August 31, 1812. It was published, among the other Genuine Rejected Addresses, in that year. It contained the following lines:—
Mr. W. T. Fitzgerald actually submitted a serious address to the Drury Lane Committee on August 31, 1812. It was published, along with the other Genuine Rejected Addresses, in that year. It included the following lines:—
On which Smith remarks, “What a pity, that like Sterne’s Recording Angel, it did not succeed in blotting the fire out for ever! That failing, why not adopt Gulliver’s remedy?” Fitzgerald’s writings do not appear to have attained the dignity of a collected edition, but in the Library of the British Museum a number of his poems and prologues are preserved, from which the following is selected as a fair example of his style. It will also illustrate the humour of the parody.
On which Smith comments, “What a shame that, like Sterne’s Recording Angel, it didn’t succeed in putting the fire out forever! If that didn’t work, why not use Gulliver’s solution?” Fitzgerald’s works don’t seem to have reached the status of a collected edition, but in the British Museum Library, several of his poems and prologues are kept, from which the following is chosen as a good example of his style. It will also show the humor of the parody.
BRITONS TO ARMS.
BRITONS, TAKE UP ARMS.
Written by W. T. Fitzgerald, Esq., and recited by him at the meeting of the Literary Fund, July 14.
Written by W. T. Fitzgerald, Esq., and recited by him at the meeting of the Literary Fund, July 14.
Printed for James Askern, 32, Cornhill, for 1d. each, or 6s. per 100.
Printed for James Askern, 32, Cornhill, for 1p each, or £0.30 per 100.
Noblemen, magistrates, and gentlemen would do well by ordering a few dozen of the above tracts of their different booksellers, and causing them to be stuck up in the respective villages where they reside, that the inhabitants may be convinced of the cruelty of the Corsican usurper.
Noblemen, magistrates, and gentlemen would benefit from ordering a few dozen of these tracts from their local booksellers and putting them up in the villages where they live, so that residents can be made aware of the cruelty of the Corsican usurper.
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GEORGE BARNWELL
GEORGE BARNWELL
In Bishop Percy’s Reliques of Ancient English Poetry is the Ballad having this title, which the Bishop states had been printed at least as early as the middle of the 17th century. Upon this Ballad, George Lillo, the dramatist, founded a tragedy, entitled “The London Merchant, or the History of George Barnwell,” which was first performed at Drury Lane Theatre, in 1731. Lillo departed from the ballad by making Barnwell die repentant, thereby spoiling his dramatic character, and the piece was faulty in other respects, yet it held the stage for many years, and Mrs. Siddons frequently performed the part of the fair but naughty Millwood, and Charles Kemble was considered the best Barnwell ever seen on the boards.
In Bishop Percy’s Reliques of Ancient English Poetry is the Ballad with this title, which the Bishop indicates had been printed at least as early as the mid-17th century. George Lillo, the playwright, based a tragedy on this Ballad, called “The London Merchant, or the History of George Barnwell,” which was first performed at Drury Lane Theatre in 1731. Lillo changed the ballad by having Barnwell die remorseful, which undermined his dramatic character, and the play had other flaws as well, yet it remained popular for many years. Mrs. Siddons often played the role of the charming but wicked Millwood, and Charles Kemble was regarded as the best Barnwell ever seen on stage.
At the time, therefore, that Rejected Addresses were written, and for many years afterwards, George Barnwell was a piece thoroughly familiar to London playgoers, consequently it was quite natural that the topic should be selected for a burlesque, and the following was written by James Smith:—
At that time, when Rejected Addresses was written and for many years after, George Barnwell was well-known among London theatergoers. Therefore, it made sense that this subject would be chosen for a burlesque, and the following was written by James Smith:—
In 1858 the late Mr. Shirley Brooks chose this burlesque as the basis of a parody he composed on the ecclesiastical procedure adopted by Samuel Wilberforce, then Bishop of Oxford. It contains nothing more offensive to religion than the somewhat familiar address to the Bishop as Soapy Sam, the origin of which sobriquet is lost in doubt. It is said, that when asked its meaning by a lady, Bishop Wilberforce replied, “I believe they call me ‘Soapy Sam’ because I am so often in hot water, and always come out with clean hands.”
In 1858, the late Mr. Shirley Brooks chose this burlesque as the foundation for a parody he created about the church procedures followed by Samuel Wilberforce, who was then the Bishop of Oxford. It doesn’t contain anything more offensive to religion than the somewhat well-known nickname for the Bishop: Soapy Sam, the origin of which is unclear. It’s said that when a lady asked him what it meant, Bishop Wilberforce responded, “I think they call me ‘Soapy Sam’ because I often find myself in hot water, but I always come out with clean hands.”
Sam.
Sam.
A Melancholy but Instructive Narrative, Founded on Facts,
and on James Smith’s “George Barnewell”
A Sad but Instructive Story, Based on Facts,
and on James Smith’s “George Barnewell”
The burlesque of George Barnwell is the last of the poetical extracts that need be quoted from The Rejected Addresses. Those already given in this collection consist of the imitations of W. T. Fitzgerald, William Wordsworth, Lord Byron, Thomas Moore, Robert Southey, Walter Scott, M. G. Lewis, S. T. Coleridge and George Crabbe. Those not given consist of a few prose imitations (William Cobbett and Dr. Johnson), and two or three parodies of second-rate and almost forgotten authors.
The burlesque of George Barnwell is the final poetic excerpt that needs to be quoted from The Rejected Addresses. The ones already included in this collection feature imitations of W. T. Fitzgerald, William Wordsworth, Lord Byron, Thomas Moore, Robert Southey, Walter Scott, M. G. Lewis, S. T. Coleridge, and George Crabbe. The ones not included consist of a few prose imitations (William Cobbett and Dr. Johnson) and two or three parodies of lesser-known and nearly forgotten authors.
MISSIONARY HYMN.
Missionary Song.
* * * * *
Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize.
The Imperial Institute Ode.
After tremendous efforts to “puff” the so-called “Imperial Institute” scheme into public favour, and when the subscriptions were coming in but slowly, the ceremony of laying the foundation stone was gone through, with all the solemn mummery customary on such occasions. An Ode was necessary, and one was accordingly written by Mr. Lewis Morris, and set to music by Sir Arthur Sullivan. The Ode contained the usual commonplaces, expressed in language more than usually dull and meaningless, as the following extracts will suffice to show:—
After a lot of effort to promote the so-called “Imperial Institute” project to the public, and with donations coming in slowly, the ceremony to lay the foundation stone took place, complete with all the formal rituals typical for such events. An Ode was required, so Mr. Lewis Morris wrote one, which was set to music by Sir Arthur Sullivan. The Ode featured the usual clichés, written in a particularly dull and meaningless way, as the following excerpts will show:—
Mr. Lewis Morris was rewarded for his ode by a silver Jubilee medal, with permission to wear it on public occasions. Some time afterwards he wrote to a Manchester newspaper complaining that people confounded him with Mr. William Morris, the poet and socialist, on which The Star published the following
Mr. Lewis Morris was honored with a silver Jubilee medal for his ode, with permission to wear it during public events. Shortly after, he wrote to a Manchester newspaper expressing his frustration that people mixed him up with Mr. William Morris, the poet and socialist, which led to The Star publishing the following
THE TWINS.
THE TWINES.
The whole of this amusing poem will be found in Carols of Cockayne by Mr. Henry S. Leigh.
The entire poem can be found in Carols of Cockayne by Mr. Henry S. Leigh.
Mr. Leigh died early in June, 1883, and the following graceful parody of his poem appeared in Judy, June 27, 1883.
Mr. Leigh passed away in early June, 1883, and the following clever parody of his poem was published in Judy, June 27, 1883.
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NURSERY RHYMES.
A learned dissertation might be written—entitled “The Wisdom of our Nursery Rhymes”—which should go to prove that every important Rhyme was either founded on some historical basis, or illustrated an old custom of our forefathers long since fallen into oblivion.
A scholarly essay could be written—titled "The Wisdom of Our Nursery Rhymes"—that would demonstrate that every significant rhyme was either based on some historical fact or illustrated an old custom of our ancestors that has long been forgotten.
Such an essay would be out of place here, but a few notes will be inserted to show the undoubted antiquity of such of the principal Nursery Rhymes as have given rise to the Parodies to be quoted.
Such an essay wouldn't fit here, but a few notes will be added to show the undeniable age of the main Nursery Rhymes that have inspired the Parodies to be mentioned.
Parodies of Nursery Rhymes exist in such numbers that only a small percentage can be inserted, especially as some of the best are of a political and personal nature, and rapidly become obsolete.
Parodies of nursery rhymes are so plentiful that only a small fraction can be included, especially since some of the best ones relate to politics and personal issues, and quickly become outdated.
The selection has been made as carefully and impartially as possible, with indications as to where such other Parodies may be found as have had to be omitted.
The selection has been made as carefully and fairly as possible, with notes on where other Parodies can be found that had to be left out.
Some of our Nursery Rhymes owe their origin to names distinguished in our literature; as Oliver Goldsmith, for instance, is believed in his earlier days to have written such compositions. Dr. E. F. Rimbault gives the following particulars as to some well-known favourites; “Sing a Song of Sixpence,” he states, is as old as the 16th century. “The Frog and the Mouse” was licensed in 1580. “London Bridge is broken Down” is of unfathomed antiquity. “Girls and Boys come out to Play” is certainly as old as the reign of Charles II.; as is also “Lucy Locket lost her Pocket,” to the tune of which the American song of “Yankee Doodle” was written. “Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat, where have you been?” is of the age of Queen Bess. “Little Jack Horner” is older than the seventeenth century. “The Old Woman Tossed in a Blanket” is of the reign of James II., to which monarch it is supposed to allude.
Some of our nursery rhymes come from names that are well-known in our literature; for example, Oliver Goldsmith is thought to have written some of these in his early days. Dr. E. F. Rimbault provides the following details about some popular favorites: “Sing a Song of Sixpence” is believed to date back to the 16th century. “The Frog and the Mouse” was licensed in 1580. “London Bridge is Broken Down” has an unknown origin. “Girls and Boys Come Out to Play” is definitely from the time of Charles II; so is “Lucy Locket Lost Her Pocket,” to which the American song “Yankee Doodle” was set. “Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat, where have you been?” comes from the era of Queen Elizabeth I. “Little Jack Horner” is older than the 17th century. “The Old Woman Tossed in a Blanket” is from the reign of James II, which it is believed to refer to.
J. O. Halliwell, in his “Nursery Rhymes of England,” gives the following:—
J. O. Halliwell, in his “Nursery Rhymes of England,” gives the following:—
and states that the original is to be found in “Deuteromelia; or, the Second Part of Músicks Melodie,” 4to., London, 1609, where the music is also given.
and states that the original can be found in “Deuteromelia; or, the Second Part of Music's Melody,” 4to., London, 1609, where the music is also included.
Many other instances of the antiquity of these rhymes will be found under their respective headings.
Many other examples of the age of these rhymes can be found under their respective headings.
Amongst the works on Nursery Rhymes which have been consulted, the following may be recommended to those who take an interest in their origin and history.
Among the works on Nursery Rhymes that have been reviewed, the following are recommended to those interested in their origin and history.
The Nursery Rhymes of England, collected by James Orchard Halliwell. London. J. R. Smith. 1844.
The Nursery Rhymes of England, collected by James Orchard Halliwell. London. J. R. Smith. 1844.
Arundines Cami, edited by Henry Drury, A.M. Cambridge, 1841. This contains Latin translations of many Nursery Rhymes, of which a few are given in the following pages.
Arundines Cami, edited by Henry Drury, A.M. Cambridge, 1841. This includes Latin translations of many nursery rhymes, of which a few are provided in the following pages.
Nursery Rhymes Revised. By J. W. Palmer, 281, Strand, London, 1885.
Nursery Rhymes Revised. By J. W. Palmer, 281, Strand, London, 1885.
A Paper on Nursery Rhymes, by Alfonzo Gardiner, see parts VIII. & IX. Yorkshire Notes and Queries, 1887.
A Paper on Nursery Rhymes, by Alfonzo Gardiner, see parts VIII. & IX. Yorkshire Notes and Queries, 1887.
The Gladstone Umbrella, or Political Dainties. An illustrated pamphlet, curious as having been published (in 1885) by Mr. Bernard Quaritch, whose name seldom appears in connection with anything so ephemeral as a political skit.
The Gladstone Umbrella, or Political Dainties. An illustrated pamphlet, interesting for being published (in 1885) by Mr. Bernard Quaritch, whose name rarely comes up in relation to something as short-lived as a political satire.
The People’s William. London. W. H. Allen & Co.
The People’s William. London. W. H. Allen & Co.
Parody Competitions on Nursery Rhymes—
Parody Contests on Nursery Rhymes—
Truth—October 15, 1885; September 30, 1886; June 14, 1888; June 28, 1888.
Truth—October 15, 1885; September 30, 1886; June 14, 1888; June 28, 1888.
The Weekly Dispatch—April 13, 1884; July 5, 1885; October 2, 1887.
The Weekly Dispatch—April 13, 1884; July 5, 1885; October 2, 1887.
One and All—Various dates, from 1879 to 1881. These were all political, and are now of no interest.
One and All—Various dates, from 1879 to 1881. These were all political, and are no longer of interest.
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THIS IS THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT.
THIS IS THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT.
Very few would suspect that “The House that Jack built” is a comparatively modern version of an ancient Jewish hymn, sung at the feast of the Passover. Yet such is the case, according to the late Dr. Halliwell Phillips, who gives the following translation of the allegorical Talmudic Hymn, taken from Sepher Haggadah, folio 23. This, he says, was first translated by Professor P. N. Leberecht, of Leipsic, in 1731. The original, from which the Hebrew version was translated, is in the Chaldaic language.
Very few would guess that “The House that Jack Built” is a relatively modern take on an ancient Jewish hymn sung during Passover. But that's the case, according to the late Dr. Halliwell Phillips, who provides the following translation of the allegorical Talmudic Hymn from Sepher Haggadah, folio 23. He states that this was first translated by Professor P. N. Leberecht from Leipsic in 1731. The original text that the Hebrew version was based on is in Chaldaic.
The following is an interpretation of the allegory:—
The following is an interpretation of the allegory:—
1. The Kid which is one of the pure animals denotes the Hebrews. The father, by whom it is purchased, is Jehovah, who represents himself as sustaining this relation to the Hebrew nation. The pieces of money signify Moses and Aaron, through whose medium the Hebrews were brought out of Egypt.
1. The Kid, which is one of the pure animals, represents the Hebrews. The father, who buys it, is Jehovah, who shows himself as having this relationship with the Hebrew nation. The coins symbolize Moses and Aaron, through whom the Hebrews were led out of Egypt.
2. The Cat denotes the Assyrians by whom the ten tribes were carried into captivity.
2. The Cat refers to the Assyrians who took the ten tribes into captivity.
3. The dog is symbolical of the Babylonians.
3. The dog symbolizes the Babylonians.
4. The staff signified the Persians.
4. The staff indicated the Persians.
5. The fire indicates the Grecian Empire under Alexander the Great.
5. The fire represents the Greek Empire during the time of Alexander the Great.
6. The water betokens the Romans, or the fourth of the great monarchies to whom the Jews were subjected.
6. The water symbolizes the Romans, or the fourth of the major empires that the Jews were under.
7. The ox is a symbol of the Saracens who subdued Palestine, and brought it under the Caliphate.
7. The ox represents the Saracens who conquered Palestine and brought it under the Caliphate.
8. The butcher that killed the ox denotes the Crusaders by whom the Holy Land was wrested out of the hands of the Saracens.
8. The butcher who killed the ox represents the Crusaders who took the Holy Land from the Saracens.
9. The Angel of death signifies the Turkish powers by which the land of Palestine was taken from the Franks, to whom it is still subject.
9. The Angel of Death represents the Turkish forces that took the land of Palestine from the Franks, to whom it still belongs.
10. The commencement of the tenth stanza is designed to show that God will take signal vengeance on the Turks, immediately after whose overthrow the Jews are to be restored to their own land, and live under the Government of their long expected Messiah.
10. The beginning of the tenth stanza is meant to show that God will punish the Turks decisively. Right after they are defeated, the Jews will be restored to their homeland and will live under the rule of their long-awaited Messiah.
A somewhat similar accumulative poem to the “House that Jack built” is mentioned in Chodzko’s Popular Poetry of Persia; it runs thus:—
A somewhat similar accumulative poem to the “House that Jack built” is mentioned in Chodzko’s Popular Poetry of Persia; it goes like this:—
“I went upon the mountain top to tend my flock. Seeing there a girl, I said, ‘Lass, give me a kiss.’ She said, ‘Lad, give me some money.’ I said, ‘The money is in the purse, the purse in the wallet, the wallet on the camel, and the camel in Kerman.’ She said, ‘You wish for a kiss, but the kiss lies behind my teeth, my teeth are locked up, the key is with my mother, and my mother, like your camel, is in Kerman.’”
“I went up to the mountain to look after my flock. I saw a girl there and said, ‘Hey, give me a kiss.’ She replied, ‘Sure, but first give me some money.’ I answered, ‘The money is in my purse, the purse is in my wallet, the wallet is on the camel, and the camel is in Kerman.’ She said, ‘You want a kiss, but the kiss is behind my teeth, and my teeth are locked up. The key is with my mother, and like your camel, she’s in Kerman.’”
Sir Richard Burton also gives a translation of an old Arab story called
Sir Richard Burton also provides a translation of an old Arab story called
The Drop of Honey.
The Drop of Honey.
Many years ago a hunter found a hollow tree full of bees’ honey, some of which he took home in a water-skin. In the city he sold the honey to an oilman, but in emptying out the honey from the skin, a drop fell to the ground, whereupon the flies flocked to it, and a bird swooped down from the sky upon the flies. Then the oilman’s cat springs upon the bird, and the hunter’s dog flies at the cat, and the oilman kills the dog, and the hunter kills the oilman. Then the men of the respective tribes took up the quarrel, and fight, till there died of them much people, none knoweth their number save almighty Allah!
Many years ago, a hunter discovered a hollow tree filled with bees' honey, some of which he took home in a water-skin. In the city, he sold the honey to an oilman, but while emptying the honey from the skin, a drop fell to the ground, attracting flies. A bird then swooped down from the sky to catch the flies. The oilman’s cat leaped at the bird, and the hunter’s dog lunged at the cat. The oilman killed the dog, and the hunter killed the oilman. Then the men from both tribes took up the fight, resulting in many deaths, and only almighty Allah knows their number!
This favourite nursery rhyme has been more frequently imitated than any other, and has been especially selected as the model on which to form political squibs and satires.
This beloved nursery rhyme has been imitated more than any other and has been especially chosen as the model for creating political jokes and satires.
Some of the principal of these were published by W. Hone (illustrated by George Cruikshank), early in the present century, and referred to the matrimonial squabbles of the Prince of Wales (afterwards George IV.), a topic which possesses so little interest at present that it is not necessary to reprint the parodies. A few of the titles may here be enumerated:—
Some of the main ones were published by W. Hone (illustrated by George Cruikshank) early in this century and were about the marriage disputes of the Prince of Wales (later George IV), a topic that is so uninteresting now that there's no need to reprint the parodies. A few of the titles can be listed here:—
Loyalists’ House that Jack built.
Loyalists’ House that Jack made.
Real, or Constitutional House that Jack built.
Real, or Constitutional House that Jack built.
The Queen that Jack found.
The queen Jack found.
The Queen and Magna Charta, or the thing that Jack signed.
The Queen and the Magna Carta, or the document that Jack signed.
The Dorchester Guide, or the House that Jack built.
The Dorchester Guide, or the House that Jack built.
The Political Queen that Jack loves.
The Political Queen that Jack loves.
The Theatrical House that Jack built.
The Theater House that Jack built.
“Juvenile reduplications, or the New House that Jack built,” a Parody, by J. Bisalt, with cuts in the manner of T. Bewick. Birmingham, 1800.
“Juvenile reduplications, or the New House that Jack built,” a Parody, by J. Bisalt, with illustrations in the style of T. Bewick. Birmingham, 1800.
One of the rarest imitations is a little octavo religious pamphlet, intended as an answer to atheists and freethinkers, entitled “The Christian House that Jack built by Truth on a Rock,” with portraits of celebrities. 1820.
One of the rarest imitations is a small religious pamphlet, meant as a response to atheists and freethinkers, called “The Christian House that Jack Built by Truth on a Rock,” featuring portraits of famous people. 1820.
In 1809, during the O. P. Riots in the new Covent Garden theatre, many parodies were produced, and amongst them one on this nursery rhyme. The riots arose partly from some structural alterations made in the house, but still more from the great increase made in the prices of admission. John Kemble, the manager, and Madame Catalani were the principal objects of public indignation, and the war cries of the rioters were “Old Prices! No Private Boxes! No Catalani! The English Drama!” In the end Kemble had to compromise 103 matters, and Catalani’s name was withdrawn from the bills.
In 1809, during the O. P. Riots at the new Covent Garden theatre, many parodies were created, including one based on this nursery rhyme. The riots were partly triggered by some structural changes to the venue, but more so by the significant increase in ticket prices. John Kemble, the manager, and Madame Catalani became the main targets of public outrage, with the rioters shouting, “Old Prices! No Private Boxes! No Catalani! The English Drama!” In the end, Kemble had to compromise 103 and remove Catalani’s name from the posters.
This is the house that Jack[9] built.
This is the house that Jack built.
These are the boxes let to the great, that visit the house that Jack built.
These are the boxes given to the great who visit the house that Jack built.
These are the pigeon-holes over the boxes, let to the great, that visit the house that Jack built.
These are the pigeonholes above the boxes, belonging to the great people who visit the house that Jack built.
This is the Cat[10] engaged to squall to the poor in the pigeon-holes over the boxes, let to the great, that visit the house that Jack built.
This is the Cat[10] caught up in chaos with the poor in the pigeon-holes over the boxes, belonging to the great, who visit the house that Jack built.
This is John Bull with a bugle-horn, who hissed the Cat engaged to squall to the poor in the pigeon-holes over the boxes, let to the great, that visit the house that Jack built.
This is John Bull with a bugle-horn, who hissed the Cat engaged to squall to the poor in the pigeon-holes over the boxes, let to the great, that visit the house that Jack built.
This is the thief-taker shaven and shorn, that took up John Bull with his bugle-horn, who hissed the Cat, engaged to squall to the poor in the pigeon-holes over the boxes, let to the great, that visit the house that Jack built.
This is the thief-taker who’s clean-shaven, that picked up John Bull with his bugle-horn, who hissed at the Cat, committed to making a scene for the poor in the pigeon-holes above the boxes, handed over to the great, who visit the house that Jack built.
This is the Manager full of scorn, who raised the price to the people forlorn, and directed the thief-taker, shaven and shorn, to take up John Bull with his bugle-horn, who hissed the Cat engaged to squall to the poor in the pigeon-holes over the boxes, let to the great, that visit the house that Jack built.
This is the Manager full of contempt, who increased the price for the desperate people, and instructed the thief-taker, clean-shaven, to take up John Bull with his bugle-horn, who hissed at the Cat set to cry out to the poor in the pigeon-holes above the boxes, rented to the great, who visit the house that Jack built.
From The Rebellion; or, All in the Wrong. A serio-comic Hurly-Burly, as it was performed for two months at the New Theatre Royal, Covent Garden, by His Majesty’s servants, the Players, and his liege subjects, the Public. London, Vernor, Hood, & Sharp. 1809.
From The Uprising; or, All in the Wrong. A serious-comedy Chaos, as it was performed for two months at the New Theatre Royal, Covent Garden, by His Majesty’s servants, the Players, and his loyal subjects, the Public. London, Vernor, Hood, & Sharp. 1809.
In The Ingoldsby Lyrics, by R. H. Barham, collected and edited by his son, and published by Richard Bentley and Son, London, in 1881, there are several parodies, which were doubtless very amusing when they first appeared, but they are now all out of date, especially those relating to politics.
In The Ingoldsby Lyrics, by R. H. Barham, collected and edited by his son, and published by Richard Bentley and Son, London, in 1881, there are several parodies that were probably really funny when they first came out, but they now feel outdated, especially the ones about politics.
| Page | 21. | “I am partial to table and tray.”—Cowper. |
| ” | 43. | On the London University. “The University we’ve got in town.” |
| ” | 181. | “Pity the sorrows of a poor old Church.” |
| ” | 108. | The House that Jack built. |
| ” | 117. | Various Nursery Rhymes. |
| ” | 174. | The House that Jack built. |
The last parody, which originally appeared in The Spectator, refers to the Parliamentary enquiry into the causes of the fire that destroyed the Houses of Parliament in 1834. It commences:—
The last parody, which originally appeared in The Spectator, refers to the Parliamentary inquiry into the causes of the fire that destroyed the Houses of Parliament in 1834. It starts with:
The other parody of The House that Jack built refers to an action that was brought in 1825, against Mr. Peto, a builder, for a breach of contract, in consequence of some failure in the foundations of the new Custom House at London Bridge.
The other parody of The House that Jack built refers to an action that was brought in 1825 against Mr. Peto, a builder, for a breach of contract due to some issues with the foundations of the new Custom House at London Bridge.
This is the House that Jack built.
This is the house that Jack built.
This is a sleeper that propped up the House that Jack built.
This is a sleeper that supported the House that Jack built.
This is the pile that was short all the while, and wouldn’t go deeper under the sleeper, that propped up the House that Jack built.
This is the pile that was always too short, and wouldn’t go deeper under the sleeper, that supported the House that Jack built.
This is the Peto appointed to see to, the driving the pile that was short, etc.
This is the Peto assigned to manage the driving of the short pile, etc.
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Please provide the text you would like me to modernize.
This is John Bull with his pockets so full, who “forked out” three hundred thousand pounds for a tumble down house that fell to the ground, and paid all the fees, with a great deal of ease, to all the grave counsellors bouncing and big, every one in a three-tailed wig, who examined George Rennie that wouldn’t give a penny, for all the work, etc., etc.
This is John Bull with his pockets so full, who “forked out” three hundred thousand pounds for a rundown house that collapsed, and paid all the fees, with a lot of ease, to all the serious counselors, every one in a three-tailed wig, who examined George Rennie, who wouldn’t give a penny for all the work, etc., etc.
These parodies are both very long, and the above extracts sufficiently indicate their topics.
These parodies are quite lengthy, and the excerpts above clearly show what they're about.
“The Palace that N—h built. A parody on an old English Poem,” by I. Hume. A small oblong octavo, with plates. Not dated, but about 1830, as it is a skit on Nash, the architect who built Regent-street, and Buckingham Palace.
“The Palace that N—h built. A parody of an old English poem,” by I. Hume. A small rectangular paperback, with illustrations. Not dated, but around 1830, as it is a joke about Nash, the architect who designed Regent Street and Buckingham Palace.
A Latin version of “The House that Jack built” appeared in The Hornet in 1872, it was also reprinted in Fun, Ancient and Modern, by Dr. Maurice Davies. London, Tinsley Brothers, 1878. It is too long to be inserted here.
A Latin version of "The House that Jack Built" was published in The Hornet in 1872, and it was later reprinted in Fun, Ancient and Modern, by Dr. Maurice Davies. London, Tinsley Brothers, 1878. It's too lengthy to include here.
“The Crystal Palace that Fox built” a Pyramid of Rhyme, with illustrations, by John Gilbert. London, David Bogue, 1851.
“The Crystal Palace that Fox built” a Pyramid of Rhyme, with illustrations, by John Gilbert. London, David Bogue, 1851.
The editor offered an apology for not including the name of Mr. Henderson, as it “would not come into the rhyme.” Messrs. Fox and Henderson were the builders of the 1851 exhibition, in Hyde Park.
The editor apologized for not including Mr. Henderson's name, saying it “would not fit into the rhyme.” Messrs. Fox and Henderson were the builders of the 1851 exhibition in Hyde Park.
The Houses of Parliament.
The Parliament Buildings.
This is the house that Barry (ought to have) built.
This is the house that Barry should have built.
This is the money laid out on the house that Barry (ought to have) built.
This is the money spent on the house that Barry should have built.
This is the Reid that wasted the money laid out on the house that Barry (ought to have) built.
This is the Reid who wasted the money intended for the house that Barry should have built.
This is the architect that snubbed the Reid that wasted the money laid out on the house that Barry (ought to have) built.
This is the architect who turned down Reid, wasting the money spent on the house that Barry should have built.
This is the Brougham that worried the architect that snubbed the Reid that wasted the money laid out on the house that Barry (ought to have) built.
This is the Brougham that stressed out the architect who brushed off the Reid who squandered the money spent on the house that Barry (should have) built.
This is the press with its newsman’s horn, that took up the Brougham that worried the architect that snubbed the Reid that wasted the money laid out on the house that Barry (ought to have) built.
This is the press with its news horn, that took up the Brougham that stressed the architect that dismissed the Reid that squandered the money spent on the house that Barry (should have) built.
This is the Peerage, all forlorn, that appealed to the press with its newsman’s horn that took up the Brougham that worried the architect that snubbed the Reid that wasted the money laid out on the house that Barry (ought to have) built.
This is the Peerage, all sad, that reached out to the press with its journalist's call that picked up the Brougham that troubled the architect that dismissed the Reid that squandered the money spent on the house that Barry (should have) built.
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Understood. Please provide the text for modernization.
Punch. 1846.
Punch. 1846.
Notwithstanding all the faults found with Barry’s designs, there are really only four good reasons of complaint. 104 The Houses of Parliament are built on too low a site; they are built in a style of architecture totally unsuited for their purposes, and our climate; they are built of a very perishable stone, which is already crumbling to decay; and the chamber in which the Commons meet is only just large enough to accommodate one-half of the members.
Not counting all the criticisms of Barry’s designs, there are really only four valid complaints. 104 The Houses of Parliament are built on a site that’s too low; they’re designed in a style of architecture that doesn’t fit their purpose or our climate; they’re made of a type of stone that deteriorates quickly and is already starting to crumble; and the chamber where the Commons meet is barely big enough for half of the members.
In 1872 a skit on the promoters of the Emma mines was published, as “A New Nursery Ballad, embellished with portraits of some of the most Emma-nent men of the Day.” Salt Lake City, Utah. Published by and for Emma A. Sell. The frontispiece represented Knaves and Asses, and the other illustrations quaintly represented the various events alluded to in the Rhyme:
In 1872, a parody about the promoters of the Emma mines was released as “A New Nursery Ballad, featuring portraits of some of the most Emma-nent men of the Day.” Salt Lake City, Utah. Published by and for Emma A. Sell. The frontispiece depicted Knaves and Asses, and the other illustrations humorously depicted the various events mentioned in the rhyme:
Will-o-the-Wisp, a satirical paper, had two amusing parodies, both illustrated, the first, which appeared April 17, 1869, entitled The Protestant House that Jack Built, the second, May 8, 1869, The Comic History of a Comical Ship built by John Bull:—
Will-o-the-Wisp, a satirical magazine, featured two entertaining parodies, both illustrated. The first, published on April 17, 1869, was titled The Protestant House that Jack Built; the second, on May 8, 1869, was The Comic History of a Comical Ship built by John Bull:—
“This is the Ship that Jack Built.”
“This is the Ship that Jack Built.”
The House that John Built.
John's House.
(Indian Version.)
(Indian Version.)
These are the Taxes that lay on the House that John built,
These are the taxes on the house that John built,
This is the War that eat up the Taxes that lay on the House that John built.
This is the War that consumes the Taxes placed on the House that John built.
This is the Viceroy that made the War that eat up the Taxes that lay on the House that John built.
This is the Viceroy who started the war that consumed the taxes on the house that John built.
These are the Strings that pulled the Viceroy that made the War that eat up the Taxes that lay on the House that John built.
These are the Strings that controlled the Viceroy that caused the War that consumed the Taxes that were on the House that John built.
This is Big Ben, with his newspaper horn, who pulled the Strings that pulled the Viceroy that made the War that eat up the Taxes that lay on the House that John built.
This is Big Ben, with his newspaper horn, who pulled the strings that influenced the Viceroy that caused the War that consumed the Taxes that were on the House that John built.
This is Britannia, Jingo-borne, who was witched by Big Ben with his newspaper horn, who pulled the Strings that pulled the Viceroy that made the War that eat up the Taxes that lay on the House that John built.
This is Britain, born from Jingoism, who was enchanted by Big Ben with his newspaper horn, who controlled the strings that controlled the Viceroy that caused the War that consumed the Taxes that were on the House that John built.
This is the Ameer, all sulks and scorn, who said “No” to Britannia Jingo-borne, who was witched by Big Ben with his newspaper horn, who pulled the Strings that pulled the Viceroy that made the War that eat up the Taxes that lay on the House that John built.
This is the Ameer, full of sulking and disdain, who said “No” to Britain, born from jingoism, who was enchanted by Big Ben with his newspaper horn, who controlled the strings that manipulated the Viceroy that caused the war that consumed the taxes that were on the house that John built.
Punch, 1878.
Punch, 1878.
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Understood. Please provide the phrases you would like me to modernize.
And this is the Writer whose vigilant care shows poverty’s evils exceptional are, nor visit the men who lead with their wives clean, sober, hard-working, respectable lives, and exposes the Rads, who, by stooping to set poor against rich popularity get, and lay their ills at the rich man’s door, as profits to him at the cost of the poor, and support the Paper that (so it may sell) will foster sensation and shamefully tell the Falsehood that stupidly dares to aver it lies with the rich (who, it says, prefer foul tenants to cleanly, and “bullion” can squeeze from starving wretches and dirt and disease), and not with Drink and improvident ways, that they lost the earnings of happier days, and got those Habits of laziness that led to the Tokens of filth and distress, that mark the Cadger who’d ruin the House that any one built.
And this is the Writer whose careful attention reveals that the problems of poverty are indeed severe, and who doesn't acknowledge the hardworking, sober, respectable men who take care of their families. He exposes those who, by pitting the poor against the rich, gain popularity and place the blame for their struggles on wealthy individuals, claiming that the rich benefit at the expense of the poor. He supports the media that, in order to sell, will sensationalize and shamefully spread the lie that the issues lie with the rich (who supposedly prefer bad tenants over responsible ones) and can profit from the suffering of destitute individuals filled with dirt and disease, rather than recognizing that it's their own drinking habits and careless decisions that caused them to lose the earnings of better days and develop lazy habits, resulting in the signs of filth and distress that define those who would destroy the homes that others have worked hard to build.
A Pen’orth of Poetry for the Poor. London. 1884.
A Pen’orth of Poetry for the Poor. London. 1884.
A very long parody, entitled “This is the House Sir John left!” appeared in Truth, August 20, 1885. It had reference to the cruel custom of people leaving their town houses with their dogs, cats, and other domestic pets improperly cared for during their absence.
A very long parody, titled “This is the House Sir John left!” was published in Truth on August 20, 1885. It referred to the harsh practice of people abandoning their town houses while leaving their dogs, cats, and other pets without proper care during their time away.
This rhyme, with very humorous illustrations, appeared in The Lock to Lock Times, September 15, 1888. The Lock to Lock Times is a clever little paper devoted to angling and aquatics, it often contains amusing parodies.
This rhyme, with very funny illustrations, appeared in The Lock to Lock Times, September 15, 1888. The Lock to Lock Times is a witty little publication focused on fishing and water sports; it often features humorous parodies.
Several different versions exist of the following imitation, this one has been selected as the best and most complete. It originally appeared in one of the University Magazines about twenty years ago, but the exact reference is wanting.
Several different versions exist of the following imitation; this one has been chosen as the best and most complete. It originally appeared in one of the University Magazines about twenty years ago, but the exact reference is missing.
The Pall Mall Gazette for April 22, 1887, contained a Political Parody, entitled “Jubilee Coercion Bill, No. 87.” It was profusely illustrated by F. C. G., and without these illustrations the letterpress would read flat and dull, especially as the fun of calling Goschen, Chamberlain and Caine, “Rats,” however true it may have been in 1887, is pretty well exhausted by this time.
The Pall Mall Gazette for April 22, 1887, featured a political parody called “Jubilee Coercion Bill, No. 87.” It was filled with illustrations by F. C. G., and without these illustrations, the text would feel flat and boring, especially since the joke of calling Goschen, Chamberlain, and Caine “Rats,” while it may have been accurate in 1887, is pretty much played out by now.
The parody concludes with a portrait of John Bull waving a Home Rule flag, under him are the following lines:—
The parody wraps up with a depiction of John Bull holding a Home Rule flag, beneath him are these lines:—
During the trial in America of the action for Crim. Con. brought by Mr. Tilton against the Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, a well known journalist, Mr. W. A. Croffat, published a parody in the New York Daily Graphic called “The House that Bowen Built,” but it would be of no interest to English readers.
During the trial in America for the Crim. Con. case brought by Mr. Tilton against Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, a well-known journalist, Mr. W. A. Croffat published a parody in the New York Daily Graphic titled “The House that Bowen Built,” although it wouldn't be of any interest to English readers.
School Board Version of the House that Jack Built.
School Board Version of the House That Jack Built.
This is the domiciliary edifice erected by John.
This is the house built by John.
This is the fermented grain which was deposited in the domiciliary edifice erected by John.
This is the fermented grain that was stored in the house built by John.
This is the obnoxious vermin that masticated the fermented grain which was deposited in the domiciliary edifice erected by John.
This is the annoying pest that chewed the rotting grain stored in the house built by John.
This is the domesticated creature of the feline tribe that completely annihilated the obnoxious vermin that masticated the fermented grain which was deposited in the domiciliary edifice erected by John.
This is the pet cat that completely wiped out the annoying rodents that chewed on the stored grain inside the house built by John.
This is the sagacious scion of the canine genus who disturbed the equanimity of the domesticated creature of the feline tribe which completely annihilated the obnoxious vermin that masticated the fermented grain which was deposited in the domiciliary edifice erected by John.
This is the wise descendant of the dog family who disturbed the calm of the domesticated cat that completely wiped out the annoying pests that chewed on the fermented grain stored in the house built by John.
This is the graminivorous female of the bovine race who with her curvilinear and corrugated protuberances considerably elevated into atmospheric space the sagacious scion of the canine genus who disturbed the equanimity of the domesticated creature of the feline tribe that completely annihilated the obnoxious vermin that masticated the fermented grain which was deposited in the domiciliary edifice erected by John.
This is the grass-eating female from the cattle family who with her curved and wrinkled features significantly raised into the air the clever offspring of the dog family, who upset the calm of the domesticated animal from the cat family that completely destroyed the annoying pests that chewed on the fermented grain stored in the house built by John.
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Sure! Please provide the text you would like me to modernize.
This is the agriculturist who placed in the alluvial deposit that grain which germinated, flourished, multiplied, and subsequently became the sustenance of the bold chanticleer who by his shrill vociferations, at early dawn, awoke from his slumbers that ecclesiastical gentleman whose cranium was devoid of its hirsute covering who united in the bonds of h-o-l-y matrimony that humble individual whose garments presented a disintegrated and unseemly appearance who sipped the sweet honey 108 from the lips of the young damsel of dejected mien whose occupation consisted in extracting the nutritious lacteal beverage from the graminivorous female of the bovine race who with her curvilinear and corrugated protuberances considerably elevated into atmospheric space the sagacious scion of the canine genus who disturbed the equanimity of the domesticated creature of the feline tribe that completely annihilated the obnoxious vermin that masticated the fermented grain which was deposited in the domiciliary edifice erected by John.
This is the farmer who put the seeds in the fertile ground that sprouted, grew, multiplied, and eventually became the food for the brave rooster who, with his loud crowing at dawn, woke up that religious man whose head was bare, who married that humble person whose clothes were tattered and unappealing, who drank the sweet honey from the lips of the young woman with a sad look, whose job was to get the nutritious milk from the grazing cow, who, with her curved and swollen udders, lifted into the air the clever puppy that disturbed the calm of the house cat that completely wiped out the annoying pests that fed on the fermented grain stored in the house built by John.
This imitation forms one of a parcel of 14 “Modern Sermons,” as they are styled, published by F. Passmore, 124, Cheapside, E.C., the whole of which may be had, post free, for 13 pence. The following is the introduction to another Sermon founded on the same plot:—
This imitation is part of a set of 14 "Modern Sermons," as they're called, published by F. Passmore, 124 Cheapside, E.C., all of which can be obtained, postage paid, for 13 pence. Below is the introduction to another sermon based on the same plot:—
Modern Sermons.
Current Sermons.
“This is the house that Jack built.”
“This is the house that Jack built.”
That is the first portion of my text, dear friends, so you see that for a start we have something definite: we are not simply told that this is the house; but that it is “the house that Jack built.” Now, if Jack was anything, he was a far-seeing man; for do we not read that
That’s the first part of my text, dear friends, so you see that right from the start we have something clear: we aren't just told that this is the house; it's “the house that Jack built.” Now, if Jack was anything, he was a visionary; for don’t we read that
“This is the malt that lay in the house that Jack built.”
“This is the malt that was in the house that Jack built.”
Anticipating a rise in the price of barley, and wishing to profit by that rise, Jack bought up all the malt that he could get. But, like many other men, he had an enemy. This was a rat, and of him it is said that
Anticipating a rise in the price of barley and wanting to benefit from that increase, Jack bought all the malt he could find. But, like many others, he had an enemy. This enemy was a rat, and it's said that
“This is the rat that ate the malt.”
“This is the rat that ate the malt.”
Now I do not wish to impute any greedy or selfish motives to this rat. Probably he was well aware that it was through malt that many men make beasts of themselves. “Beasts,” said the rat to himself, “are already too numerous. If their number is increased, the struggle for existence will become fiercer: so it amounts to this, if I do not, by eating this malt, save men from becoming beasts, we shall have to eat our ‘brothers and our sisters, our cousins and our aunts.’ I will either prevent such a catastrophe, or perish in the attempt.” He perished in the attempt, for we are introduced to his destroyer in the following words:
Now, I don’t want to assume any greedy or selfish motives from this rat. He likely understood that many men turn into animals through malt. “Animals,” the rat thought to himself, “are already too many. If their numbers grow, the struggle for survival will get tougher: it comes down to this—if I don’t stop men from turning into animals by eating this malt, we’ll have to consume our ‘brothers and sisters, cousins, and aunts.’ I’ll either prevent that disaster or die trying.” He died trying, as we meet his destroyer in the next lines:
“This is the cat that killed the rat.”
“This is the cat that killed the rat.”
As I dealt generously with the rat, even so will I deal with the cat. There is every reason for supposing that he was a friend of publicans and sinners. Hear him speak for himself: “If this rat eats all the malt, the publicans must either raise the price of beer, or they must supply their customers with an inferior article. This shall not be.” Having spoken these words, he pounced on the robber, and, intoxicated with success, imprudently shook the fruits of his victory in the face of one of whom it is written:
As I treated the rat generously, I’ll do the same with the cat. It’s reasonable to think he was a friend of tax collectors and sinners. Listen to what he says: “If this rat eats all the grain, the pub owners will either have to raise beer prices or give their customers a lower quality product. That’s not going to happen.” After saying this, he lunged at the thief and, drunk on his victory, foolishly flaunted the spoils of his success in front of someone who is described as:
“This is the dog that worried the cat.”
“This is the dog that stressed out the cat.”
* * * * *
Understood! Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize.
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SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE.
Sing a song of sixpence.
When Bentley’s Miscellany was started in 1837 it was supported by the most brilliant writers of the day, George Cruikshank designed a cover for it, and Dr. Maginn wrote the following poem which pretty accurately describes Cruikshank’s design:—
When Bentley’s Miscellany began in 1837, it had the backing of some of the brightest writers of the time. George Cruikshank created a cover for it, and Dr. Maginn wrote the following poem that pretty much captures Cruikshank’s design:—
Pidgin English is the dialect in use between the Chinese and the English. The Chinese pronounce our letter r at the commencement of a word as l.
Pidgin English is the dialect used between the Chinese and the English. The Chinese pronounce our letter r at the beginning of a word as l.
At a concert given in the Albert Hall on February 26, 1876, when the Queen was present, the hall was scarcely half filled, and Sir Henry Cole’s arrangements were loudly condemned.
At a concert held at the Albert Hall on February 26, 1876, with the Queen in attendance, the hall was barely half full, and Sir Henry Cole's arrangements were widely criticized.
The first part of The English Illustrated Magazine was published by Messrs. Macmillan & Co. in October, 1883. It contained “Les Casquettes,” a poem by Swinburne, “The Dormouse at Home,” by Grant Allen, an article on the Law Courts, by F. W. Maitland, and one on Oysters, by Professor Huxley.
The first part of The English Illustrated Magazine was published by Messrs. Macmillan & Co. in October 1883. It featured “Les Casquettes,” a poem by Swinburne, “The Dormouse at Home” by Grant Allen, an article about the Law Courts by F. W. Maitland, and another on Oysters by Professor Huxley.
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THE BELLS OF LONDON TOWN
LONDON TOWN BELLS
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Who should Educate the Prince of Wales?
Who should be responsible for educating the Prince of Wales?
“This is a serious question; and though we have looked through the advertisements of Morning Governesses every day for the last week, we are compelled to admit we have seen nothing that seems likely to suit—at least, at present. It is no doubt a very serious consideration, how the young ideas of the Prince of Wales should be taught to shoot so as to hit the mark; and it is, unfortunately, not so easy to train up a royal child, though the railroad pace at which education travels renders it necessary that he should be put into a first-class train as soon as possible. Awfully impressed with the deep importance of the question, we have made an humble endeavour to answer it, and if the hints are of any service to the nation, our object will be fulfilled, and our ambition will be gratified.”
“This is an important question; and even though we've gone through the ads for Morning Governesses every day for the past week, we have to admit we haven't found anything suitable—at least, not right now. It's definitely a serious issue how the young Prince of Wales should be taught to shoot to hit the target; and unfortunately, it's not easy to raise a royal child, even though the fast-paced nature of education means he needs to be placed in a first-class environment as soon as possible. We are deeply aware of how significant this question is, so we've made a modest attempt to address it, and if our suggestions are helpful to the nation, our goal will be achieved, and our aspirations will be fulfilled.”
This old parody of “Who killed Cock Robin?” was illustrated with a number of funny little portraits.
This old parody of “Who killed Cock Robin?” was illustrated with several amusing little portraits.
From Sketches in Prose and Verse, by F. B. Doveton, London, Sampson Low & Co., 1886.
From Sketches in Prose and Verse, by F. B. Doveton, London, Sampson Low & Co., 1886.
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Nursery Rhymes a la Mode.
Trendy Nursery Rhymes.
(Our nurseries will soon be too cultured to admit the old rhymes in their Philistine and unæsthetic garb. They may be redressed somewhat on this model!)
(Our nurseries will soon be too refined to accept the old rhymes in their unsophisticated and unattractive form. They might be updated a bit based on this idea!)
From Rhymes and Renderings. Cambridge. Macmillan and Bowes. 1887.
From Rhymes and Renderings. Cambridge. Macmillan and Bowes. 1887.
(Attributed to Mr. T. H. S. Escott, afterwards Editor of the Fortnightly Review.)
(Attributed to Mr. T. H. S. Escott, later Editor of the Fortnightly Review.)
From College Rhymes. Oxford, 1873.
From College Rhymes. Oxford, 1873.
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MISTRESS MARY.
Mary.
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MOTHER HUBBARD.
MOTHER HUBBARD.
Brethren, the words of my text are:—
Brethren, the words of my text are:—
These beautiful words, dear friends, carry with them a solemn lesson. I propose this morning to analyze their meaning, and to attempt to apply it, lofty as it may be, to our every-day life.
These beautiful words, dear friends, come with an important lesson. This morning, I plan to explore their meaning and try to apply it, as high-minded as it may be, to our everyday lives.
Mother Hubbard, you see, was old; there being no mention of others, we may presume she was alone; a widow—a friendless, old, solitary widow. Yet, did she despair? Did she sit down and weep, or read a novel, or wring her hands? No! she went to the cupboard. And here observe that she went to the cupboard. She did not hop, or skip, or run, or jump, or use any other peripatetic artifice; she solely and merely went to the cupboard. We have seen that she was old and lonely, and we now further see that she was poor. For, mark, the words are “the cupboard.” Not “one of the cupboards,” or “the right-hand cupboard,” or “the left-hand cupboard,” or “the one above,” or “the one below,” or “the one under the floor,” but just “the cupboard,” the one humble little cupboard the poor widow possessed. And why did she go to the cupboard? Was it to bring forth goblets, or glittering precious stones, or costly apparel, or feasts, or any other attributes of wealth? It was to get her poor dog a bone! Not only was the widow poor, but her dog, the sole prop of her old age, was poor too. We can imagine the scene. The poor dog, crouching in the corner, looking wistfully at the solitary cupboard, and the widow going to that cupboard—in hope, in expectation may be—to open it, although we are not distinctly told that it was not half open, or ajar, to open it for that poor dog.
Mother Hubbard, you see, was old; since there's no mention of anyone else, we can assume she was alone— a widow, a friendless, old, solitary widow. But did she despair? Did she sit down and cry, or read a novel, or wring her hands? No! She went to the cupboard. Notice that she went to the cupboard. She didn't hop, skip, run, or jump; she simply went to the cupboard. We’ve established that she was old and lonely, and now we see that she was also poor. Because, notice, the words are “the cupboard.” Not “one of the cupboards,” or “the right-hand cupboard,” or “the left-hand cupboard,” or “the one above,” or “the one below,” or “the one under the floor,” but just “the cupboard,” the one small cupboard the poor widow had. And why did she go to the cupboard? Was it to get goblets, or sparkling gems, or fancy clothes, or elaborate meals, or anything else that speaks of wealth? It was to get her poor dog a bone! Not only was the widow poor, but her dog, the only comfort in her old age, was poor too. We can picture the scene. The poor dog, curled up in the corner, gazing hopefully at the lonely cupboard, while the widow approached it—with hope, perhaps—to open it, although we aren't specifically told whether it was already half open or ajar, to open it for that poor dog.
When she got there! You see, dear brethren, what perseverance is! She got there! There were no turnings and twistings, no slippings and slidings, no leanings to the right, or falterings to the left. With glorious simplicity we are told “she got there.”
When she arrived! You see, dear friends, what determination is! She arrived! There were no twists and turns, no slipping or sliding, no leaning to the right, or hesitating to the left. With beautiful simplicity, we are told, “she arrived.”
And how was she rewarded?
And how did she get rewarded?
“The cupboard was bare!” It was bare! There were to be found neither apples, nor oranges, nor cheesecakes, nor penny buns, nor gingerbread, nor crackers, nor nuts, nor lucifer matches. The cupboard was bare! There was but one, only one solitary cupboard in the whole of the cottage, and that one, the sole hope of the widow, and the glorious loadstar of the poor dog, was bare! Had there been a leg of mutton, a loin of lamb, a fillet of veal, even an ice from Gunter’s, the case would have been very different, the incident would have been otherwise. But it was bare, my brethren, bare as a bald head. Many of you will probably say, with all the pride of worldly sophistry—“The widow, no doubt, went out and bought a dog biscuit.” Ah, no! Far removed from these earthly ideas and mundane desires, poor Mother Hubbard, the widow, whom many thoughtless worldlings would despise, in that she only owned one cupboard, perceived—or I might even say saw—at once the relentless logic of the situation, and yielded to it with all the heroism of that nature which had enabled her, without deviation, to reach the barren cupboard. She did not attempt, like the stiff-necked scoffers of this generation, to war against 119 the inevitable; she did not try, like the so-called man of science, to explain what she did not understand. She did nothing. “The poor dog had none.” And then at this point our information ceases. But do we not know sufficient? Are we not cognisant of enough? Who would dare to pierce the veil that shrouds the ulterior fate of Old Mother Hubbard—her poor dog—the cupboard—or the bone that was not there? Must we imagine her still standing at the open cupboard door, depict to ourselves the dog still drooping his disappointed tail upon the floor, the sought-for bone remaining somewhere else? Ah, no, my brethren, we are not so permitted to attempt to read the future. Suffice it for us to glean from this beautiful story its many lessons; suffice it for us to apply them, to study them as far as in us lies, and, bearing in mind the natural frailty of our nature, to avoid being widows; to shun the patronymic of Hubbard; to have, if our means afford it, more than one cupboard in the house; and to keep stores in them all.
“The cupboard was empty!” It was empty! There were no apples, no oranges, no cheesecakes, no penny buns, no gingerbread, no crackers, no nuts, and no matches. The cupboard was empty! There was just one, only one lonely cupboard in the entire cottage, and that one, the only hope of the widow, and the shining star for the poor dog, was empty! If there had been a leg of mutton, a loin of lamb, a fillet of veal, or even an ice cream from Gunter’s, things would have been very different. But it was empty, my friends, empty as a bald head. Many of you might say, with the arrogance of worldly wisdom—“The widow probably went out and bought a dog biscuit.” Ah, no! Far removed from these earthly notions and everyday desires, poor Mother Hubbard, the widow, whom many unsympathetic people would look down upon simply because she only had one cupboard, realized—or I might even say understood—immediately the harsh truth of the situation, and accepted it with all the bravery of the spirit that had allowed her, without faltering, to come to the empty cupboard. She didn’t try, like the stubborn critics of this generation, to fight against what was unavoidable; she didn’t try, like the so-called scientists, to explain what she couldn’t grasp. She did nothing. “The poor dog had none.” And then at this point, our information ends. But don’t we already know enough? Are we not aware of enough? Who would dare to uncover the mystery surrounding the ultimate fate of Old Mother Hubbard—her poor dog—the cupboard—or the bone that wasn’t there? Must we picture her still standing at the open cupboard door, imagining the dog still sadly wagging his disappointed tail on the floor, and the desired bone still somewhere else? Ah, no, my friends, we are not allowed to speculate about the future. It’s enough for us to take from this beautiful story its many lessons; it’s enough for us to apply them, to study them as much as we can, and, keeping in mind our natural weaknesses, to avoid being widows; to steer clear of the name Hubbard; to have, if we can afford it, more than one cupboard in the house; and to keep supplies in all of them.
And oh! dear friends, keep in recollection what we have learned this day. Let us avoid keeping dogs that are fond of bones. But, brethren, if we do, if fate has ordained that we should do any of these things, let us then go, as Mother Hubbard did, straight, without curvetting and prancing, to our cupboard, empty though it be,—let us, like her, accept the inevitable with calm steadfastness; and should we, like her, ever be left with a hungry dog and an empty cupboard, may future chroniclers be able to write also in the beautiful words of our text—
And oh! dear friends, remember what we’ve learned today. Let’s avoid having dogs that are obsessed with bones. But, my friends, if we do, if fate has decided that we must do any of these things, let’s then go, like Mother Hubbard did, directly, without dancing around or showing off, to our cupboard, empty though it may be—let’s, like her, accept the inevitable with calm determination; and if we, like her, ever find ourselves with a hungry dog and an empty cupboard, may future writers be able to recount in the beautiful words of our text—
“And so the poor dog had none.”
“And so the poor dog had none.”
Notes and Queries, April 21, 1888, contained the following interesting account of the origin of this singular jeu d’esprit:
Notes and Queries, April 21, 1888, included this intriguing explanation of the origin of this unique cleverness:
This is not a “burlesque” of the story of ‘Mother Hubbard,’ but a good-humoured parody of the popular (?) “regulation” sermon. It appeared originally in 1877, in a novel by Lord Desart, who claimed it in a letter to the Pall Mall Gazette in December, 1886, in which he says that “one of his characters delivered it as a mock sermon,” and adds that it has been copied into “most of the provincial English and Scotch, and into many American and Canadian newspapers.” He adds:—
This isn't a “burlesque” of the story of ‘Mother Hubbard,’ but a light-hearted parody of the typical (?) “regulation” sermon. It first appeared in 1877 in a novel by Lord Desart, who mentioned it in a letter to the Pall Mall Gazette in December 1886. In that letter, he noted that “one of his characters delivered it as a mock sermon” and added that it has been reprinted in “most of the provincial English and Scottish, as well as many American and Canadian newspapers.” He adds:—
“I myself heard it preached by a negro minstrel at Haverley’s, New York; it has been neatly printed, with an introduction, by a clergyman, and sent round to his brother preachers as an example of how not to do it; it was bought for a penny in a broadsheet form in the City a year or two ago by a friend of mine; it has been heard at countless penny readings and entertainments of the kind; it has appeared among the facetiæ of a guide-book to Plymouth and the South Coast; and in a volume published by the owners of St. Jacob’s Oil, as well as in another jest-book; and the other day I was shown it in a collection of ana, just published by Messrs. Routledge & Co., for a firm in Melbourne; and all this without any acknowledgment of its authorship whatsoever. Perhaps you will allow me, through your columns, to claim my wandering child—‘a poor thing, but mine own.’”
"I personally heard it performed by a black minstrel at Haverley’s in New York. It has been neatly printed with an introduction by a clergyman and circulated among his fellow preachers as an example of how not to do it. A friend of mine bought it for a penny in broadsheet form in the City a year or two ago. It has been featured at countless penny readings and similar events. It has appeared in the humor section of a guidebook to Plymouth and the South Coast, as well as in a volume published by the owners of St. Jacob’s Oil, and another joke book. Recently, I was shown it in a collection of ana just published by Messrs. Routledge & Co. for a firm in Melbourne—all without any acknowledgment of its authorship. Perhaps you will allow me, through your columns, to claim my wandering child—‘a poor thing, but mine own.’”
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These lines form part of “The pleasant History of Jack Horner, containing his witty Tricks and pleasant Pranks,” a copy of which is in the Bodleian Library, the story must have been in existence earlier than 1617, at which date a similar tale was printed in London founded upon it.
These lines are from “The Pleasant History of Jack Horner, containing his witty Tricks and fun Pranks,” a copy of which is in the Bodleian Library. The story must have existed before 1617, when a similar tale was published in London based on it.
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For an explanation of this curious old rhyme, and Shirley Brooks’s adaptation of it in English and Welsh see p. 255, Vol. iv. Parodies.
For an explanation of this interesting old rhyme, and Shirley Brooks’s adaptation of it in English and Welsh, see p. 255, Vol. iv. Parodies.
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[Therefore, my dears, you must be kind to a Frenchman, and give him some of your nice dinner, whenever you can, and teach him better.]
[So, my dear ones, you should be nice to a Frenchman and share some of your lovely dinner with him whenever you can, and help him learn better.]
Shirley Brooks. 1864.
Shirley Brooks, 1864.
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Poem by the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Poem by the Archbishop of Canterbury.
(Composed on the day His Grace “deprived” Mr. Denison.)
(Written on the day His Grace “fired” Mr. Denison.)
(Written shortly before the deposition of the Khedive, by Turkey, France and England.)
(Written shortly before the deposition of the Khedive by Turkey, France, and England.)
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Nursery Rhymes for Cyclists.
Bike Nursery Rhymes.
Here is a touching little thing to “teach the young idea how to shoot”—down nasty hills:—
Here is a sweet little thing to "teach the young idea how to aim"—down rough hills:—
Ladies are invited to—
Women are invited to—
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From The Star. November, 1888. Just after the resignation of Sir C. Warren as Chief Commissioner of the London Police, much to the delight of the London people.
From The Star. November, 1888. Right after Sir C. Warren stepped down as Chief Commissioner of the London Police, much to the joy of the people in London.
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In Carols of Cockayne (London, Chatto & Windus, 1874) the late Mr. Henry S. Leigh gave some poetical versions of Nursery Rhymes, which he termed “Chivalry for the Cradle.” The stories selected were “Humpty-Dumpty,” “Ride a Cock-horse to Banbury Cross,” and “Babie Bunting.”
In Carols of Cockayne (London, Chatto & Windus, 1874), the late Mr. Henry S. Leigh created some poetic interpretations of Nursery Rhymes, which he called “Chivalry for the Cradle.” The chosen stories were “Humpty-Dumpty,” “Ride a Cock-horse to Banbury Cross,” and “Babie Bunting.”
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THE MONTHS.
THE MONTHS.
These lines occur in an old play, “The Return from Parnassus,” printed in London in 1606, they may have been derived from the following old poem De Computo, written in the thirteenth century:—
These lines are from an old play, “The Return from Parnassus,” printed in London in 1606. They might have come from the following old poem De Computo, written in the thirteenth century:—
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Mr. Randolph Caldecott must have founded his well known children’s ballad upon the following very old nursery rhyme:—
Mr. Randolph Caldecott must have based his famous children's ballad on this very old nursery rhyme:—
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The following old rhyme was sung to the tune of Chevy Chace. It was taken from a poetical tale in the “Choyce Poems” printed in London in 1662. John Poole introduced the song in his Hamlet Travestie in 1810, without any acknowledgment, perhaps thinking it was too well known to require mention.
The following old rhyme was sung to the tune of Chevy Chace. It came from a poetic tale in the “Choyce Poems” printed in London in 1662. John Poole included the song in his Hamlet Travestie in 1810, without any acknowledgment, maybe thinking it was too well known to need mention.
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THE COW.
THE COW.
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THE CAT.
THE CAT.
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MARY’S LAMB.
Mary's Lamb.
Mary had a Little Lamb.
Mary had a little lamb.
A Tale.
A Story.
Mary was the proprietress of a diminutive incipient sheep, whose outer covering was as devoid of colour as congealed atmospheric vapour, and to all localities to which Mary perambulated, her young South-down was morally sure to follow. It tagged her to the dispensary of learning one diurnal section of time, which was contrary to all precedent, and excited cachinnation to the seminary attendants when they perceived the presence of a young mutton at the establishment of instruction. Consequently the preceptor expelled him from the interior, but he continued to remain in the immediate vicinity, without fretfulness, until Mary once more became visible.
Mary was the owner of a small, young sheep, whose fleece was as colorless as fog, and wherever Mary went, her little Southdown sheep was sure to follow. It tagged along to the learning center one day, which was unusual and caused laughter among the students when they saw a young lamb at their school. As a result, the teacher kicked it out of the classroom, but it stayed close by, patiently waiting until Mary reappeared.
“What caused this specimen of the genus ovis to bestow so much affection on Mary?” the impetuous progeny vociferated.
“What made this example of the genus ovis show so much love for Mary?” the impulsive child exclaimed.
“Because Mary reciprocated the wool-producer’s esteem, you understand,” the teacher answered.
“Since Mary returned the wool producer’s respect, you see,” the teacher replied.
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Joseph and his Jesse.
Joseph and his friend Jesse.
An Adaptation of “Mary had a Little Lamb,” said to
have been Sung during the Ayr Contest, in which
Mr. Collings took an active part.
An Adaptation of “Mary had a Little Lamb,” said to
have been Sung during the Ayr Contest, in which
Mr. Collings took an active part.
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SONG.
Track.
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The Legislative Organ.
The Legislative Body.
[“The capacity of our Legislative Organ is limited. Its strength is overtaxed. In its perspective, the first place is held by the great and urgent Irish question. Still more limited are the means, especially as to the future, possessed by a man on the margin of his eightieth year.”—Mr. Gladstone’s letter.]
[“Our Legislative Organ has limited capacity. It’s really stretched thin. In its view, the most important issue is the pressing Irish question. The resources available to a man approaching his eightieth year are even more restricted.” —Mr. Gladstone’s letter.]
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An Utter Passion uttered Utterly.
An Utter Passion expressed Completely.
This poem, inserted on page 81, was disfigured by a misprint, the third line should have read:—
This poem, included on page 81, was messed up by a misprint; the third line should have read:—
“And drapen in tear-colour’d minivers.”
“And draped in tear-colored fabrics.”
The author (Dr. Todhunter) wishes it to be understood that the poem was intended as a skit on the imitators of Mr. Swinburne’s style in general, and not on any particular individual. It was therefore a little out of place amongst the Parodies of Mr. Oscar Wilde, as it was not intended to refer in any way to the writings of that gentleman.—Ed. Parodies.
The author (Dr. Todhunter) wants it to be clear that the poem was meant as a satire on those who mimic Mr. Swinburne’s style in general, and not on anyone specific. Because of that, it was somewhat misplaced among the parodies of Mr. Oscar Wilde, as it wasn’t meant to reference the work of that gentleman in any way.—N/A Parodies.
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PARODIES & POEMS
IN
IN
PRAISE OF TOBACCO.
Praise of Tobacco.
he following poems, devoted entirely
to the laudation of Tobacco, either
as smoked in the pipe, cigar, or
cigarette, or as taken in the form of
snuff, have been collected from
many different works. One of the principal
sources of information has been that entertaining
journal Cope’s Tobacco Plant, which has
now unfortunately ceased to exist. Another useful
authority was a little book published at the
office of Tobacco in Gracechurch Street, London,
entitled Tobacco Jokes for Smoking Folks, which
contained many amusing anecdotes, and
humorous illustrations. A few of the latter
are here inserted by the kind permission of
the proprietors. Following the Parodies some
of the most noted Poems on Tobacco are given,
so as to make the collection on this interesting
topic more complete.
The following poems, dedicated entirely
to celebrating Tobacco, whether smoked in a pipe, cigar, or
cigarette, or taken as snuff, have been gathered from
various works. One of the main sources of information has been the entertaining journal Cope’s Tobacco Plant, which has
sadly stopped publishing. Another helpful reference was a small book published by the
office of Tobacco on Gracechurch Street in London,
titled Tobacco Jokes for Smoking Folks, which
included many funny anecdotes and
humorous illustrations. A few of those
are included here with the kind permission of
the owners. After the Parodies, some of the most famous Poems on Tobacco are included,
to make this collection on this intriguing
topic more complete.
One of the earliest burlesque poems in praise of Tobacco was that written by Mr. Isaac Hawkins Browne about one hundred and fifty years ago, entitled “A Pipe of Tobacco, in imitation of Six Several Authors.”
One of the first burlesque poems celebrating Tobacco was written by Mr. Isaac Hawkins Browne about one hundred and fifty years ago, titled “A Pipe of Tobacco, in imitation of Six Several Authors.”
This poem has been repeatedly reprinted, although there is little in it that strikes a modern reader as either remarkably humorous or clever. The authors imitated are Colley Cibber (the Poet Laureate), Ambrose Phillips, James Thomson, Edward Young, Alexander Pope, and Jonathan Swift, Dean of St. Patrick’s. It is stated that the imitation of Ambrose Phillips was not written by Mr. I. H. Browne, but was sent to him by a friend, whose name has not been transmitted to us. This is to be regretted, as this particular imitation (the second) is generally considered the best in the collection. According to Ritson this was written for the collection by Dr. John Hoadley.
This poem has been reprinted several times, but there's not much in it that a modern reader finds particularly funny or clever. The authors being imitated include Colley Cibber (the Poet Laureate), Ambrose Phillips, James Thomson, Edward Young, Alexander Pope, and Jonathan Swift, Dean of St. Patrick's. It is said that the imitation of Ambrose Phillips wasn't written by Mr. I. H. Browne; rather, it was sent to him by a friend whose name we don't know. This is unfortunate because this specific imitation (the second) is widely regarded as the best in the collection. According to Ritson, this was written for the collection by Dr. John Hoadley.
A PIPE OF TOBACCO:
A tobacco pipe:
In Imitation of Six Several Authors.
In Imitation of Six Different Authors.
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HORACE.
HORACE.
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From Hints to Freshmen in the University of Oxford, published by J. Vincent, Oxford, and attributed to the Rev. Canon Hole.
From Hints to Freshmen in the University of Oxford, published by J. Vincent, Oxford, and attributed to the Rev. Canon Hole.
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The Genius of Smoking.
The Smarts of Smoking.
[We have been favored with the following defence of smoking, by an intimate literary friend of Lord Byron, who assures us it is selected from several unpublished juvenile trifles written at various times in his album by the noble bard.]
[We have received the following defense of smoking from a close literary friend of Lord Byron, who assures us it's been chosen from several unpublished early pieces written at different times in his album by the noble poet.]
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From My Hookah; or, The Stranger in Calcutta. Being a collection of Poems by an Officer. Calcutta: Greenway and Co., 1812.
From My Hookah Session; or, The Stranger in Calcutta. A collection of poems by an officer. Calcutta: Greenway and Co., 1812.
From Cope’s Cope’s Tobacco PlantTobacco Plant. April, 1873.
From Cope’s Cope’s Tobacco PlantTobacco Plant. April, 1873.
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The Song of Firewater, a parody of Longfellow’s “Song of Hiawatha,” appeared in Cope’s Tobacco Plant for November, 1871. The poem relates to snuff, but as it extends to over 200 lines it cannot be inserted here. It commences thus:—
The Song of Firewater, a spoof of Longfellow’s “Song of Hiawatha,” was published in Cope’s Tobacco Plant in November 1871. The poem is about snuff, but since it has more than 200 lines, we can't include it here. It starts like this:—
“The Arrow and the Song.”
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THE CIGAR-SMOKERS.
THE CIGAR SMOKERS.
This is taken from a small volume of American parodies, entitled “The Song of Milkan Watha, and other poems,” by Marc Antony Henderson, D.C.L. Cincinnati: Tickell and Grinne. 1856.
This is taken from a small collection of American parodies, titled “The Song of Milkan Watha, and other poems,” by Marc Antony Henderson, D.C.L. Cincinnati: Tickell and Grinne. 1856.
Nicotina.
Nicotina.
After Tennyson’s “Oriana.”
After Tennyson's "Oriana."
At a bal masqué in San Francisco a young lady appeared attired to represent Nicotine. Her dress was made of Tobacco leaves, her necklace was formed of cigars, and she carried a fan and a parasol constructed of the weed.
At a masquerade ball in San Francisco, a young woman showed up dressed as Nicotine. Her outfit was made from tobacco leaves, her necklace was made from cigars, and she carried a fan and a parasol made from the plant.
This is a parody of a little poem by Alfred Tennyson, published in 1833, but afterwards omitted from his works, probably because of the ridicule it received from Lord Lytton in “The New Timon”:—
This is a parody of a short poem by Alfred Tennyson, published in 1833, but later left out of his works, likely due to the mockery it faced from Lord Lytton in “The New Timon”:—
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The following can scarcely be termed parodies, they are poems in praise of Tobacco written in the newly-revived but old-fashioned Ballade metre.
The following can hardly be called parodies; they are poems celebrating Tobacco, written in the recently revived but old-school Ballade meter.
The University News Sheet. St. Andrews, N.B. March 3, 1886.
The University News Sheet. St. Andrews, N.B. March 3, 1886.
From Mr. Gleeson White’s collection of Ballades and Rondeaus. London, Walter Scott, 1887.
From Mr. Gleeson White’s collection of Ballades and Rondeaus. London, Walter Scott, 1887.
From Volumes in Folio. By Richard Le Gallienne, author of “My Ladies’ Sonnets,” etc. London, Elkin Matthews, Vigo Street, W. 1889.
From Volumes in Folio. By Richard Le Gallienne, author of “My Ladies’ Sonnets,” etc. London, Elkin Matthews, Vigo Street, W. 1889.
A dainty little Volume of Bookish Verses.
A delicate little collection of literary poems.
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POEMS IN PRAISE OF TOBACCO.
In the following pages the poems are thus arranged—on Tobacco generally, on the Pipe, Cigar and Cigarette, and on Snuff. No poets have been found, however, to sing the praise of chewing Tobacco, a very old form of enjoying the weed. This habit is now principally confined to sailors, soldiers, policemen and others, whose duties compel them to remain in solitude for many hours at a stretch without the solace of a pipe. The following amusing letter shows the importance a sailor attaches to his Quid:—
In the following pages, the poems are organized this way—about Tobacco in general, the Pipe, Cigar, Cigarette, and Snuff. However, no poets have been found to praise chewing Tobacco, which is a very old way to enjoy it. This habit is now mainly limited to sailors, soldiers, police officers, and others whose jobs require them to spend long hours alone without the comfort of a pipe. The following amusing letter highlights how important a sailor considers his What's up?
Gravesend, March 24, 1813.
Gravesend, March 24, 1813.
Dear Brother Tom;
Dear Bro Tom;
This comes hopein to find you in good health as it leaves me safe anckor’d here yesterday at 4 P.M. arter a pleasant voyage tolerable short and a few squalls.—Dear Tom—hopes to find poor old father stout, and am quite out of pig-tail.—Sights of pig-tail at Gravesend, but unfortinly not fit for a dog to chor.
This letter hopes to find you in good health as it reaches me, safely anchored here yesterday at 4 P.M. after a pleasant voyage that was relatively short with only a few squalls. —Dear Tom—hopes to find our poor old father in good spirits, and I’ve completely run out of pig-tail. I saw plenty of pig-tail at Gravesend, but unfortunately, it wasn’t fit for a dog to chew.
Dear Tom, Captain’s boy will bring you this, and put pig-tail in his pocket when bort. Best in London at the Black Boy in 7 diles, where go acks for best pig-tail—pound a pig-tail will do, and am short of shirts. Dear Tom, as for shirts ony took 2 whereof one is quite wored out and tuther most, but don’t forget the pig-tail, as I aint had a quid to chor never since Thursday. Dear Tom, as for shirts, your size will do, only longer. I liks um long—get one at present, best at Tower-hill, and cheap, but be particler to go to 7 diles for the pig-tail at the Black Boy, and Dear Tom, acks for pound best pig-tail, and let it be good.
Dear Tom, the captain's boy will bring you this and put the pig-tail in his pocket when he leaves. The best pig-tail in London is at the Black Boy in Seven Dials, where they ask for the best pig-tail—one pound of pig-tail will do, and I'm short on shirts. Dear Tom, as for shirts, I only took two, one of which is completely worn out and the other is almost gone, but don’t forget the pig-tail, as I haven’t had a penny to spare since Thursday. Dear Tom, regarding shirts, your size will do, just a bit longer. I like them long—get one for now, the best ones are at Tower Hill and they're cheap, but make sure to go to Seven Dials for the pig-tail at the Black Boy, and dear Tom, ask for a pound of the best pig-tail and make sure it’s good.
Captain’s boy will put the pig-tail in his pocket he likes pigtail, so ty it up. Dear Tom, shall be up about Monday there or thereabouts. Not so perticuler for the shirt, as the present can be washed, but dont forgit the pig-tail without fail, so am your loving brother,
Captain's boy will put the pigtail in his pocket; he likes pigtails, so tie it up. Dear Tom, I should be there around Monday or so. I'm not too particular about the shirt since the one I have can be washed, but don't forget the pigtail for sure. Yours, loving brother.
Timothy Parsons.
Timothy Parsons.
P. S.—Dont forget the pig-tail.
P.S.—Don't forget the ponytail.
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THE INDIAN WEED.
THE INDIAN CANNABIS.
Many versions exist of the following very old song, and the history of it is somewhat contradictory and confusing. It has been ascribed to George Wither (1588-1667), and was originally published in 1631, in a volume entitled The Soules Solace, by Thomas Jenner. Another version was printed in 1672 in “Two Broadsides against Tobacco.”
Many versions of this very old song exist, and its history is somewhat contradictory and confusing. It has been attributed to George Wither (1588-1667) and was originally published in 1631 in a book called The Soules Solace by Thomas Jenner. Another version was printed in 1672 in "Two Broadsides against Tobacco."
One version commenced with the following stanza:
One version started with this stanza:
The most usually accepted version runs as follows:—
The most commonly accepted version goes like this:—
The next is a more modern version:—
The next is a more modern version:—
Some additional, but very inferior stanzas, were written by the Rev. Ralph Erskine, a minister of the Scotch Church, and printed in his Gospel Sonnets, about the end of the last century. This continuation has been called
Some extra, but much less impressive stanzas were written by Rev. Ralph Erskine, a minister of the Scottish Church, and published in his Gospel Sonnets around the end of the last century. This continuation has been called
From Nicotiana, by Henry James Meller. London Effingham Wilson. 1832.
From Nicotiana, by Henry James Meller. London Effingham Wilson. 1832.
From Gimcrackiana, or Fugitive pieces on Manchester Men and Manners. Manchester, 1833. (Attributed to John Stanley Gregson.)
From Gimcrackiana, or Fugitive pieces on Manchester Men and Manners. Manchester, 1833. (Attributed to John Stanley Gregson.)
From “The Anatomy of Tobacco: or Smoking Methodised, Divided, and Considered after a new fashion.” By Leolinus Siluriensis. London. George Redway, 1884.
From “The Anatomy of Tobacco: or Smoking Organized, Divided, and Considered in a New Way.” By Leolinus Siluriensis. London. George Redway, 1884.
From A Pipe of Tobacco, by E. L. Blanchard. London. H. Beal. (No date.)
From A Pipe of Tobacco, by E. L. Blanchard. London. H. Beal. (No date.)
From The Smoker’s Guide, Philosopher and Friend, by a veteran of Smokedom. London. Hardwicke and Bogue.
From The Smoker’s Guide, Philosopher and Friend, by a veteran of Smokedom. London. Hardwicke and Bogue.
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planted over her grave.
POEMS ON THE PIPE.
POEMS ABOUT THE PIPE.
Attributed to Esprit de Raymond, Comte de Modène.
Attributed to Esprit de Raymond, Count of Modena.
154
These extracts are taken from A Pedlar’s Pack of Ballads and Songs. Edinburgh, W. Paterson. 1869.
These excerpts are from A Pedlar’s Pack of Ballads and Songs. Edinburgh, W. Paterson. 1869.
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From Gillott and Goosequill. By Henry S. Leigh. London, British Publishing Company. 1871.
From Gillott and Goosequill. By Henry S. Leigh. London, British Publishing Company. 1871.
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Some time since, in Cope’s Tobacco Plant, there was a competition for the best inscription for a Tobacco Jar. The first and second prizes were awarded to the following, and many others were printed:—
Some time ago, in Cope’s Tobacco Plant, there was a competition for the best inscription for a Tobacco Jar. The first and second prizes went to the following, and many others were printed:—
Second.
THE CIGAR.
The Cigar.
From The Chameleon, published anonymously by Longmans, Rees & Co., London, 1833 Ascribed to T. Atkinson.
From The Chameleon, published anonymously by Longmans, Rees & Co., London, 1833 Ascribed to T. Atkinson.
of Friedrich Marc.)
From Nicotiana, by Henry James Meller. London. Effingham Wilson. 1832.
From Nicotiana, by Henry James Meller. London. Effingham Wilson. 1832.
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THE CIGARETTE.
THE CIGARETTE.
SNUFF: AN INSPIRATION.
SNUFF: A SOURCE OF INSPIRATION.
Sganarelle, tenant une tabatière:—
Sganarelle, holding a snuffbox:—
“Quoi que puissent dire Aristote et toute la philosophie, il n’est rien d’égal au tabac; c’est la passion des honnêtes gens, et qui vit sans tabac n’est pas digne de vivre. Non seulement il réjouit et purge les cerveaux humains, mais encore il instruit les âmes à la vertu, et l’on apprend avec lui à devenir honnête homme. Ne voyez-vous pas bien, dès qu’on en prend, de quelle manière obligeante on en use avec tout le monde, et comme on est ravi d’en donner à droite et à gauche, par-tout où l’on se trouve? On n’attend pas même que l’on en demande, et l’on court au-devant du souhait des gens: tant il est vrai que le tabac inspire des sentiments d’honneur et de vertu à tous ceux qui en prennent.”
“Whatever Aristotle and all of philosophy might say, nothing compares to tobacco; it is the passion of good people, and those who live without tobacco are not worthy of life. Not only does it delight and cleanse the human mind, but it also teaches souls about virtue, and you learn how to be a good person with it. Don’t you see how agreeable people are with everyone once they smoke? They are eager to share it with others, giving it out freely wherever they are. They don’t even wait for someone to ask, but proactively fulfill others’ wishes: it’s true that tobacco inspires feelings of honor and virtue in everyone who smokes.”
Moliere. Don Juan. (1665.)
Molière. Don Juan. (1665.)
At the request of numerous subscribers the following very humorous parody of Sir Walter Scott’s “Young Lochinvar” is here given, although somewhat out of its proper order. The parody, which is a favourite piece with reciters, has been kindly sent by Mr. C. H. Stephenson, of Southport.
At the request of many subscribers, the following funny parody of Sir Walter Scott's "Young Lochinvar" is presented here, even though it's a bit out of order. This parody, which is a favorite among performers, has been generously provided by Mr. C. H. Stephenson from Southport.
PADDY DUNBAR.
Paddy Dunbar.
THE STAR.
THE STAR.
There are five other parodies of the same original in the competition, but the two above are the most interesting.
There are five other parodies of the same original in the competition, but the two mentioned above are the most interesting.
The Revised Version.
The Updated Version.
“Twinkle, twinkle, little star,” the nursery rhyme so familiar to everybody, has been revised by a Committee of Eminent Scholars, with the following result:
“Twinkle, twinkle, little star,” the nursery rhyme that everyone knows, has been updated by a Committee of Eminent Scholars, with the following result:
How I conjecture, with surprise, not unmixed with uncertainty,[30] what you are,
How I wonder, with surprise and a bit of uncertainty,[30] what you are,
Located, apparently, at such a remote distance[31] from and at a height so vastly superior to this earth, the planet we inhabit.
Located, it seems, at such a faraway distance[31] and at a height so much greater than the earth we live on.
Similar in general appearance and refractory powers to the precious primitive octahedron crystal of pure carbon,[32] set in the aërial region surrounding the earth.
Similar in general appearance and resistance to heat to the original octahedron crystal of pure carbon,[32] found in the atmosphere around the Earth.
Merry Folks Library.
Merry Folks Library.
(This latter had previously appeared in Harper’s Magazine.)
(This latter had previously appeared in Harper’s Magazine.)
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VERB SAP.
VERB SAP.
(To a Wandering Star.)
To a Wandering Star.
“I am willing to throw in my lot with that of my friend Huxley, and ‘to fight to the death’ against this wicked and cowardly surrender. A desperate gamester, miscalled a Statesman, has chosen to invoke ignorant foreign opinion against the instructed opinion of his own countrymen.”—Professor Tyndall’s last Letter to the Times.
“I am ready to stand with my friend Huxley and ‘fight to the death’ against this shameful and cowardly surrender. A reckless gambler, wrongly called a Statesman, has decided to rely on uninformed foreign opinions instead of the educated views of his own countrymen.” —Professor Tyndall’s last Letter to the Times.
The political adventurer Boulanger, having done all he could to embarrass the French Government, and to create disturbances on the eve of the opening of the great Paris Exhibition, ignominiously fled to Belgium, when he found that his selfish and unpatriotic conduct was likely to bring upon him the punishment he deserved. Whilst in Brussels he issued a ridiculously theatrical manifesto, whereupon the Belgian Government hinted that his presence was undesirable in that country, and in April last he sought refuge in London. His reception was cool, and in a few days he was completely forgotten. Boulanger, who is fifty-two years of age, has none of the qualities necessary in a man who aspires to be a great political leader, and had he not been supported by the wealth and influence of the re-actionary parties in France, he would long since have sunk back into his native obscurity.
The political opportunist Boulanger, after doing everything he could to embarrass the French Government and stir up trouble just before the big Paris Exhibition, shamefully ran off to Belgium when he realized that his selfish and unpatriotic behavior was about to catch up with him. While in Brussels, he released an absurdly dramatic manifesto, prompting the Belgian Government to suggest that they didn’t want him in their country. In April, he sought shelter in London, where he received a lukewarm welcome, and within days, he was entirely forgotten. At fifty-two, Boulanger lacks the qualities needed to be a great political leader, and if it weren’t for the support of the wealthy and influential reactionary parties in France, he would have faded back into obscurity long ago.
THE SPIDER AND THE FLY.
The Spider and the Fly.
From Emigration Realised, a poem, &c., by S. C. C. (i.e. Chase), London. Saunders & Otley, 1855.
From Emigration Realised, a poem, &c., by S. C. C. (i.e. Chase), London. Saunders & Otley, 1855.
The Spider, by Sir W. Y. Harcourt.
The Spider, by Sir W. Y. Harcourt.
The Fly, by Mr. Joseph Chamberlain.
The Fly, by Joseph Chamberlain.
There was a parody in Will-o’-the-Wisp, March 20, 1869, entitled “The Abbess and the Maid” concerning a law suit which attracted much attention at the time, but is now forgotten. It commenced:—
There was a parody in Will-o’-the-Wisp, March 20, 1869, called “The Abbess and the Maid” about a lawsuit that got a lot of attention back then but is now forgotten. It started:—
Another long political parody in The London Figaro, August 7, 1886, commenced:—
Another long political parody in The London Figaro, August 7, 1886, started:—
Another appeared in Punch, June 30, 1888, soon after Mr. W. E. Gladstone had given his vote in favour of Watkin’s scheme for the Channel Tunnel. Two verses may be quoted:—
Another appeared in Punch, June 30, 1888, soon after Mr. W. E. Gladstone voted in favor of Watkin’s plan for the Channel Tunnel. Two verses may be quoted:—
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I'm ready for the text. Please provide it.
This not very brilliant political parody will be found in an anonymous pamphlet entitled “Glad-Par-Stonell-Iana.” Waterlow & Sons, 1889.
This not-so-great political parody can be found in an anonymous pamphlet titled “Glad-Par-Stonell-Iana.” Waterlow & Sons, 1889.
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NURSERY RHYMES.
Kids' Songs.
Parodies on Nursery Rhymes and Children’s Songs, which were interrupted in order to introduce those relating to Smoking, can now be resumed, as a few good ones still remain to be quoted. When the late Mr. J. O. Halliwell (Halliwell-Phillipps) first brought out his collection of Nursery Rhymes, his friend James Robinson Planché, the dramatist, wrote some little humourous skits on them. These were merely meant for playful badinage, but a few lines may be quoted from them:—
Parodies of Nursery Rhymes and Children’s Songs, which were paused to introduce those related to Smoking, can now continue, as there are still a few good ones to share. When the late Mr. J. O. Halliwell (Halliwell-Phillipps) first published his collection of Nursery Rhymes, his friend James Robinson Planché, the playwright, wrote some humorous sketches about them. These were just meant for lighthearted banter, but a few lines can be quoted from them:—
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The Prince of Wales was christened on January 25, 1842, for which occasion a very handsome cake was prepared, but it was remarked that it remained uncut, the Queen appearing unwilling to spoil this remarkable specimen of confectionary.
The Prince of Wales was baptized on January 25, 1842, and for the occasion, a very beautiful cake was made. However, it was noted that it stayed uncut, as the Queen seemed reluctant to ruin this impressive piece of dessert.
A Nursery Ballad, entitled “The Christening Cake,” was published on the occasion, (by Mr. John Lee, of 440, West Strand,) from which a few extracts may be quoted:—
A Nursery Ballad called “The Christening Cake” was published for the occasion by Mr. John Lee at 440 West Strand, from which a few excerpts can be quoted:—
This ballad shows that the Queen had a reputation for parsimony as long ago as 1842, the moral it enforces is similar to that contained in the old Nursery Rhyme the ballad parodies, concerning the famous plum Pudding of King Arthur:—
This ballad illustrates that the Queen was known for being stingy as far back as 1842, and the lesson it conveys is similar to that found in the classic Nursery Rhyme that the ballad mocks, about the famous plum pudding of King Arthur:—
It is somewhat curious that Poets should so often select incidents in the lives of Royal personages as topics for their poems, considering how ephemeral is the interest they excite.
It’s kind of interesting that poets frequently choose events in the lives of royalty as subjects for their poems, given how short-lived the interest they generate tends to be.
The above ballad was, of course, only a burlesque, and had no claim to longevity, but of all the serious adulatory poems written about the Queen, and her family, during the last fifty years how many have survived? With the exception of some few lines in Tennyson’s Dedications and Odes, the present generation knows nothing of them.
The ballad above was clearly just a parody and wasn’t meant to stick around, but out of all the serious flattering poems written about the Queen and her family over the last fifty years, how many have lasted? Aside from a few lines in Tennyson’s Dedications and Odes, the current generation knows nothing about them.
Where is Leigh Hunt’s poem on the birth of the Princess Royal? Where is Professor Aytoun’s Ode on the Marriage of the Prince of Wales? Where, oh, where is Mr. Lewis Morris’s Ode for the Opening of the Imperial Institute? Forgotten, all forgotten, and nearly as obsolete as the Birthday Odes of the Poets-Laureate Eusden, Warton, and Pye.
Where is Leigh Hunt’s poem about the birth of the Princess Royal? Where is Professor Aytoun’s Ode for the Marriage of the Prince of Wales? Where, oh, where is Mr. Lewis Morris’s Ode for the Opening of the Imperial Institute? Forgotten, all forgotten, and almost as outdated as the Birthday Odes of the Poets Laureate Eusden, Warton, and Pye.
Who reads or remembers Martin F. Tupper’s Welcome to the Princess Alexandra?
Who reads or remembers Martin F. Tupper's Welcome to the Princess Alexandra?
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Understood! Please provide the text you would like me to modernize.
In justice to Mr. Tupper it must be admitted that these are not exactly his lines, but only a very fair parody of them taken from The Lays of the Saintly, by Mr. Walter Parke. (London, Vizetelly, 1882.)
In fairness to Mr. Tupper, it should be noted that these are not exactly his lines, but rather a close parody of them taken from The Lays of the Saintly by Mr. Walter Parke. (London, Vizetelly, 1882.)
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DR. FELL.
Dr. Fell.
This little nursery rhyme claims ancient lineage. In Thomas Forde’s “Virtus Rediviva,” 1661, in a collection of familiar letters, is the following passage:—
This little nursery rhyme has an ancient origin. In Thomas Forde’s “Virtus Rediviva,” 1661, found in a collection of familiar letters, is the following —
“There are some natures so Hetrogenious, that the 169 streightest, and most gordion knot of Wedlock is not able to twist, of which the Epigrammatist (Martial) speaks my mind better than I can myself:—
“There are some natures that are so different that the tightest, most complicated knot of marriage can't tie them together, which the poet Martial expresses better than I can myself:—”
>Take the English in the words of a gentleman to his wife:—
>Take the English in the words of a gentleman to his wife:—
The following is Clément Marot’s version as given in Chapsal’s ‘Modèles de Littérature Française,’ ii. p. 26:—
The following is Clément Marot’s version as given in Chapsal’s ‘Modèles de Littérature Française,’ ii. p. 26:—
Another version, by Roger de Bussy, Comte de Rabutin (ob. 1693), ran as follows:—
Another version, by Roger de Bussy, Comte de Rabutin (d. 1693), goes as follows:—
JOHN DRYDEN.
Born August 9, 1631. | Died May 1, 1700.
Born August 9, 1631. | Passed away May 1, 1700.
(Was Poet Laureate from 1670 till the accession of William III. in 1688, when he was superceded by a Protestant poet, Thomas Shadwell.)
(Served as Poet Laureate from 1670 until William III. took the throne in 1688, when he was replaced by a Protestant poet, Thomas Shadwell.)
In the year 1683, a musical society was formed in London for the celebration of St. Cecilia’s Day, and from that time a festival was held annually on November the 22nd in Stationers’ Hall, and an Ode, composed for the occasion, was sung. These festivals continued, with a few interruptions, down to the year 1744, and some were held at even a later date; but these celebrations must not be confounded with the performances given by the “Cecilian” Society, which was established in 1785.
In 1683, a music group was formed in London to celebrate St. Cecilia’s Day, and from then on, a festival was held every year on November 22nd at Stationers’ Hall, featuring an Ode written for the event. These festivals continued, with some breaks, until 1744, and a few even happened later; however, these celebrations should not be mixed up with the performances organized by the “Cecilian” Society, which started in 1785.
A collection of the Odes, written for the Festival of St. Cecilia’s Day, was first formed by Mr. William Henry Husk, Librarian of the Sacred Harmonic Society, and published by Bell and Daldy in 1857, in “An Account of the Musical Celebrations on St. Cecilia’s Day. To which is appended a Collection of Odes on St. Cecilia’s Day.” It is unnecessary to enumerate them all here, but as Odes written by Nahum Tate, John Dryden, Thomas Shadwell, Samuel Wesley, Joseph Addison, William Congreve, Alexander Pope, and the burlesque Ode by Bonnell Thornton are included, the volume has considerable literary interest.
A collection of Odes written for the Festival of St. Cecilia’s Day was first put together by Mr. William Henry Husk, Librarian of the Sacred Harmonic Society, and published by Bell and Daldy in 1857, in “An Account of the Musical Celebrations on St. Cecilia’s Day. To which is appended a Collection of Odes on St. Cecilia’s Day.” It’s not necessary to list them all here, but since the collection includes Odes by Nahum Tate, John Dryden, Thomas Shadwell, Samuel Wesley, Joseph Addison, William Congreve, Alexander Pope, and the humorous Ode by Bonnell Thornton, the volume is of significant literary interest.
John Dryden wrote a song for the Festival of November, 1687, but his great Ode, “Alexander’s Feast; or, the Power of Music,” was written and performed in 1697. For this poem it is said Dryden received forty pounds, its success was so great that it was frequently performed at later festivals, and in 1736 “Alexander’s Feast” was set to music by Handel. The poem has been frequently parodied, it will therefore be convenient to give the original Ode, followed by the parodies, or such parts of them as are fit for re-publication, for it must be confessed that some of the earlier imitations are excessively coarse.
John Dryden wrote a song for the Festival of November, 1687, but his famous Ode, “Alexander’s Feast; or, the Power of Music,” was written and performed in 1697. For this poem, it's said Dryden received forty pounds, and its success was so huge that it was performed at later festivals frequently. In 1736, “Alexander’s Feast” was set to music by Handel. The poem has been parodied many times, so it makes sense to present the original Ode, followed by the parodies, or at least parts of them that are suitable for re-publication, as some of the earlier imitations are really crass.
ALEXANDER’S FEAST.
ALEXANDER'S FEAST.
The following Parody will be found in a scarce little volume entitled “Pranceriana Poetica, or Prancer’s Garland. Being a Collection of Fugitive Poems written since the publication of Pranceriana and the Appendix. Dublin: Printed in the year M.DCC.LXXIX.” This volume opens with a very satirical dedication to the Right Honourable Sir J—n B—q—re, Knight of the Bath, Alnager of all Ireland, and Bailiff of Phœnix Park; in this he is taken to task for “placing the most improper man in the Kingdom at the head of our College.” The College alluded to was Trinity College, Dublin, and the individual who had been appointed at its head was nicknamed the “Prancer,” as “more fit to be a dancing master than a Provost.”
The following parody can be found in a rare little book called “Pranceriana Poetica, or Prancer’s Garland. A Collection of Random Poems written since the publication of Pranceriana and the Appendix. Dublin: Printed in the year M.DCC.LXXIX.” This book begins with a very sarcastic dedication to the Right Honourable Sir J—n B—q—re, Knight of the Bath, Alnager of all Ireland, and Bailiff of Phœnix Park; in this, he is criticized for “putting the most unsuitable man in the Kingdom at the head of our College.” The College mentioned was Trinity College, Dublin, and the person who had been appointed to lead it was nicknamed the “Prancer,” as “more suitable to be a dance instructor than a Provost.”
“To commemorate the Naval Review at Portsmouth, the Oratorio of Alexander’s Feast is to be performed at one of the Theatres Royal, by command of his Majesty, with the following alterations, by William Whitehead, Esq; Poet Laureate.”
“To celebrate the Naval Review at Portsmouth, Alexander’s Feast will be performed at one of the Royal Theatres, by order of His Majesty, with the following changes made by William Whitehead, Esq; Poet Laureate.”
ALEXANDER’S FEAST, PARODIED;
ALEXANDER’S FEAST, PARODIED;
This parody, relating to the famous O. P. riots, will be found in The Covent Garden Journal, 1810, which contains a full account of that curious theatrical episode.
This parody about the famous O. P. riots can be found in The Covent Garden Journal, 1810, which includes a complete account of that interesting theatrical event.
A long political parody of Dryden’s Ode, relating to Irish affairs, and entitled Ode to St. Patrick’s Day, appeared in Vol. ix. of The Spirit of the Public Journals, 1806, and in Vol. xvi. of the same series, (1813) was a parody describing a law case. It commenced:—
A lengthy political parody of Dryden’s Ode, focused on Irish issues, titled Ode to St. Patrick’s Day, was published in Vol. ix. of The Spirit of the Public Journals in 1806, and in Vol. xvi. of the same series in 1813, featuring a parody about a legal case. It started:—
“’Twas where the fam’d Home Circuit is begun.”
“It's where the famous Home Circuit starts.”
Neither of these parodies possesses any interest for modern readers.
Neither of these parodies interests modern readers.
Another parody, of which only the title can be given, was “W——S’s Feast, or Dryden Travesti; a mock Pindarick: addressed to his most Incorruptible Highness, Prince Patriotism.”
Another parody, of which only the title can be given, was “W——S’s Feast, or Dryden Travesti; a mock Pindarick: addressed to his most Incorruptible Highness, Prince Patriotism.”
The remainder of this parody refers to political events of little interest to modern readers.
The rest of this parody talks about political events that probably won’t interest today’s readers.
It is taken from Posthumous Parodies, an anonymous collection of poems having a strong Tory bias, published in London by John Miller, 1814.
It is taken from Posthumous Parodies, an anonymous collection of poems with a strong Tory bias, published in London by John Miller, 1814.
Commemoration Day.
Commemoration Day.
Commemoration day: a day devoted to prayers and good living, i.e., feasting.
Commemoration Day: a day dedicated to prayers and good living, i.e. feasting.
“Who leads a good life is sure to live well.”—Old Song.
“Those who lead a good life are sure to live well.”—Old Song.
From The Gradus ad Cantabrigiam. By a Brace of Cantabs. London. Printed for John Hearne, 1824. It had previously appeared in The Spirit of the Public Journals for 1799. London, 1800.
From The Gradus ad Cantabrigiam. By a Brace of Cantabs. London. Printed for John Hearne, 1824. It had previously appeared in The Spirit of the Public Journals for 1799. London, 1800.
From The Cambridge Odes, by Peter Persius. Cambridge W. H. Smith. No date.
From The Cambridge Odes, by Peter Persius. Cambridge W. H. Smith. No date.
This refers to a meeting held at Kennington in connection with the Chartist agitation, when certain reforms were demanded, which were then ridiculed as revolutionary, but which have since either been granted, or else have come within the scope of practical political discussion.
This refers to a meeting held at Kennington related to the Chartist movement, where certain reforms were demanded that were mocked as revolutionary at the time, but which have since either been granted or have become part of practical political discussion.
In November 1884 Mr. Alexander Henderson produced a new comic opera at the Comedy Theatre, London, entitled The Great Mogul. In this piece Miss Florence St. John had to appear with live snakes writhing about her, an innovation which was not appreciated by the audience, whilst the songs written by H. B. Farnie, were received with derision. Although the house was packed with the friends of the Lessee, on the opening night (for no money was taken at the 175 doors) the opera met with a very cool reception, and the following parody appeared in The Referee on November 23, 1884:
In November 1884, Mr. Alexander Henderson premiered a new comic opera at the Comedy Theatre in London called The Great Mogul. In this show, Miss Florence St. John had to perform with live snakes writhing around her, which was not well received by the audience. The songs written by H. B. Farnie were met with mockery. Even though the theater was filled with the lessee's friends (since no tickets were sold at the 175 doors), the opera had a lukewarm response on opening night, leading to the following parody published in The Referee on November 23, 1884:
Lines printed under the Engraved Portrait of John Milton.
Lines printed beneath the Engraved Portrait of John Milton.
Mr. Malone suggested that the idea of these lines was borrowed by Dryden from Salvaggi’s Latin distich:—
Mr. Malone suggested that Dryden borrowed the idea for these lines from Salvaggi’s Latin distich:—
But in a little work, printed in 1676, entitled “Anima Astrologia,” a verse occurs which bears a much nearer resemblance to Dryden’s epigram:—
But in a small work published in 1676 called “Anima Astrologia,” there is a verse that closely resembles Dryden’s epigram:—
These lines allude to Jerome Cardan, the Astrologer (1501-1576), to William Lilly, also an Astrologer (1602-1681), and to Ubaldo Guido, an Italian Mathematician (1540-1601). Dryden was a firm believer in astrology, and as he must, in all probability, have been well acquainted with this book, it is probable these lines were in his mind when he composed his own more polished epigram.
These lines reference Jerome Cardan, the astrologer (1501-1576), William Lilly, another astrologer (1602-1681), and Ubaldo Guido, an Italian mathematician (1540-1601). Dryden strongly believed in astrology, and since he likely knew this book well, it’s probable that these lines influenced his own refined epigram.
On page 233, Vol. 2, of this Collection, a number of parodies of the Epigram will be found, but the following imitations were accidentally omitted.
On page 233, Vol. 2, of this Collection, you'll find several parodies of the Epigram, but the following imitations were unintentionally left out.
There is a little confusion in these lines, both Madame Agnesi and Mrs. Somerville were born in the same “age” if by that century is meant, and although Hypatia talked Greek she was an Egyptian, whilst Mrs. Somerville was not English at all, having been born in Scotland. Hypatia, a female philosopher in Alexandria, was brutally murdered by an ignorant mob; Madame Agnesi, an Italian lady of great scientific attainments, died a Blue Nun in a convent at Milan in 1799. Mrs. Mary Somerville wrote several scientific books, of which perhaps the best known was “The Connection of the Physical Sciences.”
There’s a bit of confusion in these lines; both Madame Agnesi and Mrs. Somerville were born in the same “age,” if we’re referring to the same century. Although Hypatia spoke Greek, she was actually Egyptian, while Mrs. Somerville wasn’t English at all, as she was born in Scotland. Hypatia, a female philosopher in Alexandria, was brutally murdered by an ignorant mob. Madame Agnesi, an Italian woman with significant scientific achievements, died as a Blue Nun in a convent in Milan in 1799. Mrs. Mary Somerville wrote several scientific books, the most famous of which is likely “The Connection of the Physical Sciences.”
By Dr. James Drake, then an Undergrad of St. John’s College, Cambridge, printed in Anonymiana, 1809.
By Dr. James Drake, who was an undergrad at St. John’s College, Cambridge, published in Anonymiana, 1809.
Biographies of John Dryden are so numerous and accessible that it is unnecessary here to discuss the weak points of his character. To use the mildest language possible, he was a time-server, a turncoat, and a court sycophant. He had written in praise of Oliver Cromwell, he wrote equally laudatory verses on Charles II., he had strongly defended the Protestant religion, yet within a twelvemonth of the accession of the Catholic James II. the following entry appeared in Evelyn’s Diary, January 19, 1686: “Dryden, the famous play writer, and his two sons, and Mrs. Nelly (Miss to the late King) were said to go to mass; such proselytes were no great loss to the Church.” His conversion brought him Court patronage, and in April 1687 he published a defence of his new religion in verse, entitled “The Hind and the Panther.” This was a long allegorical poem in which the Hind represented the Catholic Church, and the Panther the Protestant Church of England. It gave rise to much controversy, and many burlesques were written upon it, ridiculing the work, and the character of its author. The most famous of these parodies was one of exquisite humour, the joint production of Charles Montague (the future Earl of Halifax) and Matthew Prior. This was called “The Hind and the Panther Transversed to the story of the Country Mouse and the City Mouse.” The principal characters in the famous farce The Rehearsal, Bayes, Smith, and Johnson, were revived in this witty production, which is unfortunately much too long to reprint. Dryden’s poem commences:—
Biographies of John Dryden are so plentiful and easy to find that there's no need to discuss his flaws here. To put it mildly, he was an opportunist, a traitor, and a court flatterer. He had praised Oliver Cromwell, wrote equally admiring verses for Charles II, and strongly defended the Protestant faith. Yet, within a year of the Catholic James II taking the throne, this entry appeared in Evelyn’s Diary on January 19, 1686: “Dryden, the famous playwright, along with his two sons and Mrs. Nelly (the former mistress of the late King), were reported to attend mass; such converts were no great loss to the Church.” His conversion earned him Court support, and in April 1687, he published a defense of his new faith in verse titled “The Hind and the Panther.” This long allegorical poem depicted the Hind as the Catholic Church and the Panther as the Church of England. It sparked a lot of controversy, and many parodies mocked both the poem and its author. The most well-known of these parodies was a brilliantly funny piece co-created by Charles Montague (the future Earl of Halifax) and Matthew Prior. It was called “The Hind and the Panther Transversed to the story of the Country Mouse and the City Mouse.” The main characters from the famous farce The Rehearsal, Bayes, Smith, and Johnson, were brought back in this clever work, which is regrettably too lengthy to reproduce here. Dryden’s poem commences:—
The first lines of the parody are:—
The first lines of the parody are:—
ALEXANDER POPE.
Born May 21, 1688. | Died May 30, 1744.
Born May 21, 1688. | Passed away May 30, 1744.
Dryden’s Odes for St. Cecilia’s Day have already been mentioned, and in 1708 Pope was also induced, by Richard Steele, to write an ode for the annual festival. This is acknowledged to be the finest poem of its kind that had appeared since Dryden’s odes were produced. In fact, as Pope himself said, “Many people would like my ode on music better if Dryden had never written on that subject. It was at the request of Mr. Steele that I wrote mine; and not with any thought of rivalling that great man, whose memory I do, and have always reverenced.”
Dryden’s Odes for St. Cecilia’s Day have already been mentioned, and in 1708, Pope was encouraged by Richard Steele to write an ode for the annual festival. This is recognized as the best poem of its kind that had come out since Dryden’s odes. In fact, as Pope himself said, “Many people would like my ode on music more if Dryden had never written on that topic. I wrote mine at Mr. Steele's request, not with any intention of competing with that great man, whose memory I respect and have always admired.”
Pope chose the mythological story of Orpheus and Eurydice as the theme for his ode; it is too long to quote in full, but the first verse, and last quatrain, will serve as key notes for the parodies which follow.
Pope selected the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice as the theme for his ode; it's too lengthy to quote entirely, but the first line and the last four lines will act as key points for the parodies that follow.
——:o:——
——:o:——
In 1749 Bonnell Thornton published a humorous burlesque upon the Cecilian odes, under the title of “An Ode on St. Cecilia’s Day, adapted to the Ancient British Musick,” which is said to have been set to music with characteristic accompaniments by Dr. Arne, and performed on the Saint’s day, November 22, 1749. This appears somewhat doubtful, it was however set to music in 1759 by Dr. Burney, who has left the following account of his work and its performance: “In 1759 I set for Smart and Newbery, Thornton’s Burlesque Ode on St. Cecilia’s Day. It was performed at Ranelagh in masks, to a very crowded audience, as I was told, for I then resided in Norfolk. Beard sang the Salt-box song, which was admirably accompanied on that instrument by Brent, the fencing master, and father of Miss Brent, the celebrated singer; Skeggs on the broomstick as bassoon, and a remarkable performer on the Jew’s Harp, ‘Buzzing twangs the iron lyre.’ Cleavers were cast in bell metal for this entertainment. All the performers of the Old Woman’s oratory, employed by Foote, were, I believe, employed at Ranelagh on this occasion.”
In 1749, Bonnell Thornton published a funny parody of the Cecilian odes, titled “An Ode on St. Cecilia’s Day, adapted to the Ancient British Musick.” It’s said that Dr. Arne set it to music with distinctive accompaniments and performed it on the Saint's day, November 22, 1749. This claim is a bit questionable; however, it was actually set to music in 1759 by Dr. Burney, who provided the following account of his work and its performance: “In 1759, I arranged Thornton’s Burlesque Ode on St. Cecilia’s Day for Smart and Newbery. It was performed at Ranelagh in masks, to a very crowded audience, as I was told, because I was living in Norfolk at the time. Beard sang the Salt-box song, which was expertly accompanied by Brent, the fencing master, and father of Miss Brent, the famous singer; Skeggs played the broomstick as a bassoon, and there was a notable performer on the Jew’s Harp, ‘Buzzing twangs the iron lyre.’ Cleavers were made from bell metal for this event. I believe all the performers from the Old Woman’s oratory, hired by Foote, were also involved at Ranelagh on this occasion.”
Boswell mentions that Dr. Johnson was much diverted with the humour of this ode.
Boswell notes that Dr. Johnson found the humor in this ode very entertaining.
An Ode on
An Ode to
Saint Cecilia’s Day.
Saint Cecilia's Day.
Adapted to the Antient British Musick: viz. The Salt-Box, the Jew’s Harp, the Marrow-Bones and Cleavers, the Hum-Strum or Hurdy Gurdy, etc.
Adapted to the Ancient British Music: namely, the Salt-Box, the Jew’s Harp, the Marrow-Bones and Cleavers, the Hum-Strum or Hurdy Gurdy, etc.
With an introduction, giving some account of these truly British Instruments.
With an introduction that provides some background on these genuinely British instruments.
By Bonnell Thornton, Esquire.
By Bonnell Thornton, Esq.
The Preface, which is too long to quote in full, concludes with the following remarks. “If this Ode contributes in the least to lessen our false taste in admiring that foreign Musick now so much in vogue, and to recall the ancient British spirit, together with the ancient British harmony, I shall not think the pains I employed on the composition entirely flung away on my countrymen. This Ode, I am sensible, is not without faults; though I cannot 179 help thinking it far superior to the odes of Johnny Dryden, Joe Addison, Sawney Pope, Nick Rowe, little Kit Smart, etc, etc, etc, or of any that have written, or shall write on St. Cecilia’s day.”
The Preface, which is too lengthy to quote in full, ends with these remarks: “If this Ode helps even a little to reduce our misguided appreciation of that foreign music that’s so popular right now, and brings back the true British spirit along with the classic British harmony, I won’t feel that the effort I put into writing it was wasted on my fellow countrymen. I know this Ode has its flaws; however, I can’t help but think it's much better than the odes of John Dryden, Joseph Addison, Alexander Pope, Nicholas Rowe, little Kit Smart, etc., or anyone who has written or will write on St. Cecilia’s Day.”
“I have strictly adhered to the rule of making the sound echo to the sense.”
“I have strictly followed the rule of making the sound echo to the sense.”
——:o:——
——:o:——
MOCK HEROIC POEMS.
Mock Heroic Poems.
Numerous imitations exist of Pope’s Dunciad, and the poets of the last century, and the early years of this, exercised considerable ingenuity in ringing the changes on the title, as will be seen from the following list. It must not, however, be concluded that the works mentioned are all parodies, except in the cases where the opening lines are quoted. One of the most scholarly of these productions was “The Scribleriad,” written by Richard Owen Cambridge, and published in 1751. In his preface he mentions Boileau’s Lutrin, Garth’s Dispensary, and Pope’s Rape of the Lock and Dunciad, each of which, he considers, have a thousand beauties, but neither of which comes up to the true idea of a Mock-Heroic Poem. In fact he does not believe it was the primary idea of either of the authors to write a Mock-Heroic, whereas that was the task he set 180 himself in composing The Scribleriad. He gives the following apposite remarks on Parody:—
Numerous imitations of Pope’s Dunciad exist, and the poets from the last century and the early years of this one showed a lot of creativity in playing with the title, as you can see from the following list. However, it shouldn't be assumed that all the works mentioned are parodies, except for those cases where the opening lines are quoted. One of the most scholarly of these productions is “The Scribleriad,” written by Richard Owen Cambridge and published in 1751. In his preface, he references Boileau’s Lutrin, Garth’s Dispensary, and Pope’s Rape of the Lock and Dunciad, each of which he believes has a thousand beauties, but none of them truly captures the essence of a Mock-Heroic Poem. In fact, he does not think it was the primary idea of either author to write a Mock-Heroic, while that was his specific goal in creating The Scribleriad. He provides the following relevant remarks on Parody:—
“The Athenians were so fond of Parody, that they eagerly applauded it, without examining with what propriety or connection it was introduced. Aristophanes showed no sort of regard to either, in his ridicule of Euripides; but brings in the characters as well as verses of his tragedies, in many of his plays, though they have no connection with the plot of the play, nor any relation to the scene in which they are introduced. This love of Parody is accounted for by an excellent French critic, from a certain malignity in mankind, which prompts them to laugh at what they most esteem, thinking they, in some measure, repay themselves for that involuntary tribute which is exacted from them by merit.”
“The Athenians loved Parody so much that they cheered it on without considering how appropriate or relevant it was. Aristophanes didn’t care about either when he mocked Euripides; he included characters and lines from his tragedies in many of his plays, even though they had no connection to the plot or the scene they were part of. This fondness for Parody is explained by an insightful French critic, who suggests it stems from a certain malice in people that drives them to laugh at what they hold in high regard, thinking they’re somehow balancing out the involuntary admiration they’re forced to give to talent.”
The Baviad, a paraphrastic imitation of the First satire of Persius, by William Gifford. London, 1794. This was written to ridicule a certain clique of self-admirationists known as the “Della-Cruscan school,” and was very effectual in its object. It was followed by The Maeviad, by the same author, which completed the work The Baviad had commenced, and the spurious poetry of the Della-Cruscan school was laughed out of existence. The footnotes to these satires are delicious reading, as Gifford has selected the most amusing examples of bathos, and inflated nonsense, from the poems of Anna Matilda, Merry, Parsons, Jerningham, Bell, Mrs. Robinson, and Della-Crusca, to illustrate his points.
The Baviad, a rewritten version of the First satire of Persius, by William Gifford. London, 1794. This was created to mock a certain clique of self-absorbed individuals known as the “Della-Cruscan school,” and it was quite successful in its goal. It was followed by The Maeviad, by the same author, which wrapped up what The Baviad had started, and the fake poetry of the Della-Cruscan school was laughed out of existence. The footnotes to these satires are a real treat, as Gifford has picked the most entertaining examples of failed attempts at depth and inflated nonsense from the poems of Anna Matilda, Merry, Parsons, Jerningham, Bell, Mrs. Robinson, and Della-Crusca to make his points.
The Beeriad, or Progress of Drink. An Heroic Poem, in Two Cantos, the first being an imitation of The Dunciad, the second a description of a Ram Feast, held annually in a particular small district of Hampshire. By a Gentleman in the Navy. Gosport. J. Philpot. 1736.
The Beeriad, or Progress of Drink. An Epic Poem, in Two Parts, the first being a parody of The Dunciad, the second a depiction of a Ram Feast, celebrated every year in a specific small area of Hampshire. By a Gentleman in the Navy. Gosport. J. Philpot. 1736.
The first canto of this poem is printed side by side with a reprint of the first book of Pope’s Dunciad.
The first canto of this poem is printed alongside a reprint of the first book of Pope’s Dunciad.
The Beeriad commences thus:—
The Beeriad begins thus:—
The Billiad, or how to criticise, a satire, with the Dirge of the Repeal (of the Irish Union) and other Jeux d’Esprit. By T. M. Hughes. Illustrated. 1846.
The Billiad, or how to critique, a satire, with the Dirge of the Repeal (of the Irish Union) and other playful works. By T. M. Hughes. Illustrated. 1846.
The Blueviad, a Satirical Poem, by E. Goulburn, Royal Horse Guards. London, 1805.
The Blueviad, a Satirical Poem, by E. Goulburn, Royal Horse Guards. London, 1805.
The author remarks, “The following ridiculous lines contain the description of some characters that once formed a Regiment of Volunteers.”
The author notes, “The following ridiculous lines describe some characters that used to be part of a Volunteer Regiment.”
The Burniad; an Epistle to a Lady, in the manner of Burns, with Poetic Miscellanies, by J. H. Kenny. 1808.
The Burniad; an Epistle to a Lady, in the style of Burns, with Poetic Miscellanies, by J. H. Kenny. 1808.
The Consuliad. A Mock Heroic Poem, by Thomas Chatterton. This short poem is to be found amongst the works of the poor Bristol boy, he sold it to a Mr. Fell for ten shillings and sixpence at the time when he was slowly starving to death in London. It commenced thus:—
The Consuliad. A Mock Heroic Poem, by Thomas Chatterton. This short poem can be found among the works of the unfortunate boy from Bristol; he sold it to Mr. Fell for ten shillings and sixpence during a time when he was slowly starving in London. It started like this:—
There are passages in this satire of surprising power and originality for the work of a boy of seventeen years of age.
There are sections in this satire that are surprisingly powerful and original for a work by a seventeen-year-old.
The Censoriad, a Poem, written originally by Martin Gulliver, illustrated with curious annotations. 1730.
The Censoriad, a Poem, originally written by Martin Gulliver, complete with interesting notes. 1730.
The Chessiad, by C. Dibden the Younger. With other poems, by the same author, 1825.
The Chessiad, by C. Dibden the Younger. Along with other poems by the same author, 1825.
The Christiad, a sacred heroic poem, translated by Cranwell from Vida. No date.
The Christiad, a holy epic poem, translated by Cranwell from Vida. No date.
The Dapiad, a mock-heroic poem, by J. Randall. Barnstaple: printed by J. Avery, 1806.
The Dapiad, a satirical heroic poem, by J. Randall. Barnstaple: printed by J. Avery, 1806.
The Diaboliad, a Poem dedicated to the Worst Man in His Majesty’s Dominions. London. G. Kearsley, 1677. The date given is evidently a misprint for 1777, as David Garrick, who is named in the Preface, was not born until 1716. This work has been ascribed to Combe.
The Diaboliad, a Poem dedicated to the Worst Man in His Majesty’s Dominions. London. G. Kearsley, 1677. The date given is clearly a typo for 1777, as David Garrick, mentioned in the Preface, wasn’t born until 1716. This work has been attributed to Combe.
Anti-Diabo-Lady. Respectfully dedicated to all the Women in Her Majesty’s Dominions in general; and to the Best of Them in Particular, calculated to expose the Malevolence of the Author of Diabo-Lady. London, 1777. Quarto 18 pp. (A satire in verse.)
Anti-Diabo-Lady. Respectfully dedicated to all the women in Her Majesty’s realms in general; and to the best of them in particular, intended to reveal the wickedness of the creator of Diabo-Lady. London, 1777. Quarto 18 pp. (A satire in verse.)
The Dispensary. A poem in six Cantos, by Sir Samuel Garth. London, 1696.
The Dispensary. A poem in six Cantos, by Sir Samuel Garth. London, 1696.
The Druriad, or Strictures on the principal performers of Drury Lane Theatre. A Satirical Poem. Quarto. 1798.
The Druriad, or Critiques on the main actors of Drury Lane Theatre. A Satirical Poem. Quarto. 1798.
The Electriad: A Tale of the Trojan War. “Homer down to Date,” by a G. O. M. London. The Pall Mall Electric Association. About 1885. Price sixpence. This anonymous advertising pamphlet was illustrated with portraits of the most eminent men of the day, represented as suffering from various ailments, and
The Electriad: A Tale of the Trojan War. “Homer down to Date,” by a G. O. M. London. The Pall Mall Electric Association. About 1885. Price sixpence. This anonymous advertising pamphlet featured portraits of the most notable men of the time, depicted as suffering from various ailments, and
The Fijiad, or English Nights Entertainments, by an author of The Siliad. Beeton’s Fifteenth Christmas Annual. Illustrated. London: Ward, Lock, and Tyler.
The Fijiad, or English Nights Entertainments, by an author of The Siliad. Beeton’s Fifteenth Christmas Annual. Illustrated. London: Ward, Lock, and Tyler.
The Fribbleriad. This was first printed in 1761, and was afterwards included in The Repository, vol. 2. It was addressed to a certain individual “X. Y. Z.,” who had been guilty of publishing an Essay containing an unfavourable criticism of David Garrick.
The Fribbleriad. This was first published in 1761 and later included in The Repository, vol. 2. It was directed to a certain person “X. Y. Z.,” who had published an essay with a negative review of David Garrick.
The Female Dunciad, containing:—I. A Faithful account of the Intrigues, Gallantries, and Amours of Alexander Pope, of Twickenham, Esq., written by Himself. II. A Satire upon the Court Lords and Ladies. Written also by him in the year 1717. III. A Single Instance of his Repentance. IV. The New Surprising Metamorphosis; or, Mr. Pope turn’d into a Stinging Nettle; being a Familiar Epistle from a Gentleman in Town to a Lady in the Country. Occasioned by reading the Dunciad. V. Irish Artifice; or, the History of Clarina. A Novel, by Mrs. Eliza Haywood. VI. Female Worthies, by the Bishop of Peterborough. The whole being a Continuation of the Twickenham Hotch-Potch. London. T. Read, White-Fryers. 1728.
The Female Dunciad, including:—I. An Honest account of the Schemes, Flirtations, and Romantic Adventures of Alexander Pope, from Twickenham, written by Himself. II. A Satire on the Court's Lords and Ladies. Also written by him in 1717. III. A Single Example of his Regret. IV. The New Surprising Transformation; or, Mr. Pope turned into a Stinging Nettle; being a Friendly Letter from a City Gentleman to a Country Lady. Triggered by reading the Dunciad. V. Irish Trickery; or, the Story of Clarina. A Novel, by Mrs. Eliza Haywood. VI. Remarkable Women, by the Bishop of Peterborough. The entire work is a Continuation of the Twickenham Hotch-Potch. London. T. Read, White-Fryers. 1728.
The Hilliad: an Epic Poem by Christopher Smart, A.M., Fellow of Pembroke Hall, Cambridge. 1753. This was a satire on a certain Dr. Hill, it commenced as follows:—
The Hilliad: an Epic Poem by Christopher Smart, A.M., Fellow of Pembroke Hall, Cambridge. 1753. This was a satire on a certain Dr. Hill, it commenced as follows:—
The Lentiad; or, Peter the Pope and his Pioneers the Pusey men. Together with Anti-Pentateuchal Prelates, Broad-church and Balaam-ass-men, Pommelled and Pounded with a Hudibrastic cudgel.
The Lentiad; or, Peter the Pope and his Pioneers the Pusey guys. Along with Anti-Pentateuchal leaders, Broad-church individuals and Balaam-ass-men, beaten and battered with a Hudibrastic club.
By a Beefeater, domestic chaplain to Fill-pots. Edited by Rev. John Allen. London: William Freeman, Fleet Street. 1863.
By a Beefeater, domestic chaplain to Fill-pots. Edited by Rev. John Allen. London: William Freeman, Fleet Street. 1863.
More than 400 closely-printed pages of similar fustian to this are devoted to abuse of the Pope and his Church; coarse denunciations of the High Church party, and the Puseyites, Bishop Colenso and his works.
More than 400 tightly printed pages like this are dedicated to criticizing the Pope and his Church; harsh attacks on the High Church group, the Puseyites, Bishop Colenso, and his writings.
The Lousiad, an Heroi-Comic Poem, in five cantos. By Peter Pindar, Esq. (Dr. John Wolcott.) The introduction to this satire runs as follows: “It is necessary to inform thee, Gentle Reader, that His Majesty (George III.) actually discovered, some time ago, as he sat at table, a louse on his plate. An edict was, in consequence, passed for shaving the cooks, scullions, etc., and the unfortunate louse was condemned to die.”
The Lousiad, a Heroi-Comic Poem, in five cantos. By Peter Pindar, Esq. (Dr. John Wolcott.) The introduction to this satire goes like this: “It’s important to let you know, Gentle Reader, that His Majesty (George III.) actually found a louse on his plate some time ago while having dinner. As a result, an edict was issued for shaving the cooks, scullions, etc., and the poor louse was sentenced to die.”
Such is the foundation of The Lousiad, of which the ingenious author, who ought to be allowed to know somewhat of the matter, hath been heard privately to declare, that, in his opinion, the Batrachomyomachia of Homer, the Secchia Rapita of Tassoni, the Lutrin of Boileau, the Dispensary of Garth, and the Rape of the Lock of Pope, are not to be compared to it.
Such is the foundation of The Lousiad, which the clever author, who should be trusted to know a thing or two about it, has been heard to say privately that, in his opinion, the Batrachomyomachia by Homer, the Secchia Rapita by Tassoni, the Lutrin by Boileau, the Dispensary by Garth, and the Rape of the Lock by Pope can't even compare to it.
The Mobiad, or battle of the Voices: an Heroi-Comic Poem, sportively satirical, being a briefly historical, natural and lively, free and humorous description of an Exeter Election, by Democritus Juvenal (A. Brice) with notes &c., Exeter, 1770.
The Mobiad, or battle of the Voices: a Heroic-Comic Poem, playfully satirical, offering a brief historical, natural, and lively, free and humorous depiction of an Exeter Election, by Democritus Juvenal (A. Brice) with notes & etc., Exeter, 1770.
The Modern Dunciad, a Satire; with notes, biographical and critical. London. Effingham Wilson, 1814. With a frontispiece by George Cruikshank. This anonymous work, written in imitation of the first satire of Persius, was devoted to the ridicule of the minor poets of the day, most of whom are now entirely forgotten:—
The Modern Dunciad, a Satire; with notes, biographical and critical. London. Effingham Wilson, 1814. With a frontispiece by George Cruikshank. This anonymous work, written in the style of the first satire of Persius, was aimed at mocking the lesser poets of the time, most of whom are now completely forgotten:—
Alluding to Rosa Matilda’s effusions; M. G. Lewis, author of “The Monk;” Gifford’s attack on the Della Cruscans; Amos Cottle’s poems, and the satirical works of Dr. John Wolcot, known as “Peter Pindar.”)
Alluding to Rosa Matilda's outpourings; M. G. Lewis, author of "The Monk;" Gifford's criticism of the Della Cruscans; Amos Cottle's poems, and the satirical works of Dr. John Wolcot, known as "Peter Pindar."
The Mæviad, by William Gifford, 1795. In imitation of a satire of Horace, and directed against the Della-Cruscan school of Poetry. See The Baviad.
The Mæviad, by William Gifford, 1795. In imitation of a satire by Horace and aimed at the Della-Cruscan school of poetry. See The Baviad.
The Moneiad: or The Power of Money. By the Rev. W. P. Macdonald, late Chaplain of the Regiment of Roll. London. James Harper, 46 Fleet Street. 1818.
The Moneiad: or The Power of Money. By the Rev. W. P. Macdonald, former Chaplain of the Roll Regiment. London. James Harper, 46 Fleet Street. 1818.
It contains an early poem, entitled “Sir Penny, or the Power of Money.” The work was dedicated to the Duke of Kent.
It includes an early poem called “Sir Penny, or the Power of Money.” The piece was dedicated to the Duke of Kent.
The New Dunciad. Facts and anecdotes illustrative of the iniquitous practises of Anonymous Critics, 1806.
The New Dunciad. Facts and stories that show the unethical practices of Anonymous Critics, 1806.
This is a prose commentary on the critics, published by Tegg, London, and has no relation to Pope’s Dunciad.
This is a prose commentary on the critics, published by Tegg, London, and has no connection to Pope’s Dunciad.
The New Dunciad. This appeared in parts in a London penny paper called The Jester, the first number of which was published February 23, 1889. It was a weak attempt to satirise some of the celebrities of the day, and was destitute of interest, or poetical merit.
The New Dunciad. This was published in installments in a London penny paper called The Jester, with the first issue coming out on February 23, 1889. It was a feeble attempt to mock some of the famous figures of the time, and it lacked both interest and poetic quality.
The Obliviad: A Satire, with notes, together with additional Notes, Preface, and Supplement, by the American Editor. And the Perpetual Commentary of the Athenæum. New York. James Millar, Broadway. London, B. Quaritch, 15, Piccadilly. 1879.
The Obliviad: A Satire, with notes, along with additional Notes, Preface, and Supplement, by the American Editor. And the Ongoing Commentary of the Athenæum. New York. James Millar, Broadway. London, B. Quaritch, 15, Piccadilly. 1879.
This is a very remarkable book, it consists of about 350 pages in all, of which at least two thirds are occupied by Notes, critical, satirical, and biographical, dealing with the principal writers of the day, in a most unmerciful manner. Even The Saturday Review, which itself has a reputation for sharp speaking, remarked (June 28, 1879):—“The Obliviad is a laborious imitation of the Dunciad, somewhat more universally insolent in its treatment of contemporary authors than any other satire in prose or verse that we remember.”
This is a truly remarkable book, featuring around 350 pages in total, with at least two-thirds filled with notes that are critical, satirical, and biographical, focusing on the main writers of the time in a very harsh manner. Even The Saturday Review, known for its sharp critiques, commented (June 28, 1879):—“The Obliviad is a tedious imitation of the Dunciad, slightly more universally rude in its treatment of contemporary authors than any other satire in prose or verse that we recall.”
Naturally a book which could speak with fearless truth of the writings of such men as Tennyson, Robert Browning, Swinburne, Dickens, Hepworth Dixon, and Robert Buchanan created a sensation, but unfortunately the author was almost too indiscriminate in his censures, for whilst everyone admits that the above named authors have occasionally written absurd and nonsensical works, it is equally certain that they did not, in the first place, make their names and fames in that manner.
Naturally, a book that could speak with fearless truth about the works of authors like Tennyson, Robert Browning, Swinburne, Dickens, Hepworth Dixon, and Robert Buchanan created quite a stir. However, the author was often too harsh in his criticisms. While it's true that the authors mentioned have occasionally written absurd and nonsensical pieces, it’s also clear that they didn't gain their reputations in that way.
The Obliviad has been attributed to Dr. William Leech of New York.
The Obliviad is credited to Dr. William Leech from New York.
The Olympiad. A Satirical Poem.
The Olympiad: A Satirical Poem.
The Puffiad, a Satire, with a dedication to “Those who don’t like it,” a Critique for their use, and copious Introductory Epistle to an Eminent Puffer. 1828.
The Puffiad, a Satire, with a dedication to “Those who don’t like it,” a Critique for their use, and extensive Introductory Epistle to a Notable Puffer. 1828.
The Rodiad, by George Coleman, 1813. This relates to Flagellation:
The Rodiad, by George Coleman, 1813. This relates to Flagellation:
The Rosciad. By Charles Churchill. 1761.
The Rosciad. By Charles Churchill. 1761.
The Rolliad, or more correctly, Criticisms on the Rolliad, for the poem itself (except in some disjointed extracts introduced as examples) existed only in the fertile brains of the authors of this satire on Mr. Rolle (afterwards Lord Rolle), who was elected M.P. for Devon in 1784, in the Tory interest. When The Rolliad first appeared it had a great success, and rapidly ran through many editions, but time has cast into oblivion most of its allusions, and the characters introduced are well nigh forgotten. The Rolliad was written by several authors, and parts have been ascribed to George Ellis, General Fitzpatrick, and Joseph Richardson M.P. Lord Rolle died in 1842.
The Rolliad, or more accurately, Criticisms on The Rolliad, since the poem itself (except for a few random excerpts used as examples) only existed in the imaginative minds of the creators of this satire on Mr. Rolle (later Lord Rolle), who was elected as an M.P. for Devon in 1784, representing the Tory party. When The Rolliad was first published, it achieved great success and quickly went through numerous editions, but over time, most of its references have faded into obscurity, and the characters featured are nearly forgotten. The Rolliad was written by multiple authors, with contributions attributed to George Ellis, General Fitzpatrick, and Joseph Richardson M.P. Lord Rolle passed away in 1842.
The Rational Rosciad, in two parts, 1767.
The Rational Rosciad, in two parts, 1767.
The Rape of the Bucket, an Heroi-Comical Poem by Tassoni, translated with Notes, by J. Atkinson. 1825.
The Rape of the Bucket, a Heroic-Comical Poem by Tassoni, translated with Notes by J. Atkinson. 1825.
The Scribleriad: an Heroic Poem. In six books. London: R. Dodsley in Pall Mall 1751, quarto, with curious illustrations. This satire was written to ridicule the errors of false taste and false learning, and was pronounced, by a contemporary critic, to be a work of great fancy and poetical elegance. The author, Mr. Richard Owen Cambridge, is highly spoken of by Boswell, in his life of Dr. Johnson.
The Scribleriad: an Epic Poem. In six books. London: R. Dodsley in Pall Mall 1751, quarto, with interesting illustrations. This satire was created to mock the mistakes of bad taste and misguided knowledge, and it was described, by a contemporary critic, as a work of great creativity and poetic beauty. The author, Mr. Richard Owen Cambridge, is highly praised by Boswell, in his life of Dr. Johnson.
The Siliad, or the Siege of the Seats. Beeton’s Christmas Annual, fourteenth season. London. Ward, Lock and Tyler. An Illustrated Political Satire, by the authors of “The Coming K—.” 1873.
The Siliad, or the Siege of the Seats. Beeton’s Christmas Annual, fourteenth season. London. Ward, Lock and Tyler. An Illustrated Political Satire, by the authors of “The Coming K—.” 1873.
The Spiritual Dunciad; or, Oxford “Tracks” to Popery. A Satire with Notes and Appendix by Robert Dick, M.D., C.M. London, C. Westerton, 1859. This was a bitter attack on the Roman Catholic religion;
The Spiritual Dunciad; or, Oxford “Tracks” to Popery. A Satire with Notes and Appendix by Robert Dick, M.D., C.M. London, C. Westerton, 1859. This was a harsh critique of the Roman Catholic faith;
The Tauroboliad; or, the Sacrifice of the Constitution. A Satire. 1831.
The Tauroboliad; or, the Sacrifice of the Constitution. A Satire. 1831.
The Thespiad; a Poem. 1809.
The Thespiad; a Poem. 1809.
The Tommiad; a Biographical Fancy, written about the year 1842. London. Anonymous.
The Tommiad; a Biographical Fancy, written around 1842. London. Anonymous.
The Toriad; a Poem. By Eupolis. London. Wightman & Co., 1837. 18 pp. octavo, Price one shilling.
The Toriad; a Poem. By Eupolis. London. Wightman & Co., 1837. 18 pp. octavo, Price one shilling.
The Triad. By W. Wiekenden, 1855.
The Triad. By W. Wiekenden, 1855.
The Victoriad; or, New World, an Epic Poem. By E. Carrington. A curious work which the author modestly considered was written in the simple classic style of Dante.
The Victoriad; or, New World, an Epic Poem. By E. Carrington. An interesting piece that the author humbly believed was written in the straightforward classic style of Dante.
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There are many passages in Pope’s writings which might well be spared on account of their indelicacy, yet they are innocent and pure as compared with some of the satires launched at him by his enemies and rivals. The greater number of these are too gross to be republished in a work intended for general readers, as are also the three principal and most amusing parodies of his works.
There are many sections in Pope’s writings that could definitely be skipped because of their lack of tact, but they're innocent and clean compared to some of the harsh critiques from his enemies and rivals. Most of these are too crude to be included in a publication meant for everyday readers, just like the three main and most entertaining parodies of his works.
Pope’s Essay on Man was the subject of a parody, entitled The Essay on Woman; his Eloisa to Abelard was burlesqued in Eloisa en Déshabille; and The Rape of the Lock was parodied in a poem entitled The Rape of the Smock.
Pope’s Essay on Man was the inspiration for a parody called The Essay on Woman; his Eloisa to Abelard was spoofed in Eloisa en Déshabille; and The Rape of the Lock was mocked in a poem titled The Rape of the Smock.
183 In an article on John Wilkes published in The Athenæum in 1874, it was stated that the charge against him of having written the infamous Essay upon Woman must now be given up. “It is as clear as is any fact in history, that whoever wrote the Essay, Wilkes, at all events, did not. Wilkes was prosecuted for it, and was convicted, not however for being the author of the poem, but for having published it. All the statements on the trial go to show that the original Essay was printed in red letter, and with a frontispiece, and an engraved title.”
183 In an article about John Wilkes published in The Athenæum in 1874, it was said that the accusation against him of writing the notorious Essay upon Woman should now be retracted. “It is as clear as any historical fact that whoever wrote the Essay, Wilkes definitely did not. Wilkes was prosecuted for it and convicted, but not for being the author of the poem, rather for having published it. All the evidence from the trial indicates that the original Essay was printed in red letters, complete with a frontispiece and an engraved title.”
Much has been written about this parody, but its authorship is still shrouded in mystery. In 1763 The Rev. John Kidgell published “A Narrative of a scandalous, obscene, and exceedingly profane libel, entitled An Essay on Woman” to which an answer was printed in the same year. Both of these tracts are in the British Museum. The Essay on Woman has been recently re-published by private subscription, but is still what is called a scarce book.
Much has been written about this parody, but its authorship is still unclear. In 1763, Rev. John Kidgell published “A Narrative of a scandalous, obscene, and extremely profane libel, titled An Essay on Woman,” to which a response was printed the same year. Both of these works are held in the British Museum. The Essay on Woman has been recently re-published through private subscription, but it’s still considered a rare book.
Eloisa en Déshabille: Being a Parody of Mr. Pope’s celebrated Epistle of that young lady to Abelard. By a late celebrated Greek Professor, dedicated to the Loungers of Great Britain and Ireland. 1810.
Eloisa en Déshabille: A Parody of Mr. Pope’s famous letter from that young lady to Abelard. By a well-known Greek professor, dedicated to the Loungers of Great Britain and Ireland. 1810.
This witty but indelicate poem has been generally ascribed to Professor Porson, the famous Greek scholar, who frequently quoted passages from it. But it seems more probable that it was written by Colonel J. Matthews, the brother of the author of “The Diary of an Invalid.”
This clever yet somewhat inappropriate poem is usually credited to Professor Porson, the well-known Greek scholar, who often referenced lines from it. However, it’s more likely that Colonel J. Matthews, the brother of the author of “The Diary of an Invalid,” actually wrote it.
The Rape of the Smock. An Heroi-comical Poem. In Two Books. London. R. Burleigh, in Amen Corner. 1717. Price one shilling. With a quaint illustration.
The Rape of the Smock. A Heroic-Comical Poem. In Two Books. London. R. Burleigh, in Amen Corner. 1717. Price one shilling. Featuring a unique illustration.
This poem, which is by no means difficult to obtain, is generally ascribed to Lady Mary Wortley Montague, the friend and correspondent of Pope. The most remarkable feature about it is that it could have been written and published by a lady of rank and fashion.
This poem, which is not hard to get, is generally credited to Lady Mary Wortley Montague, a friend and correspondent of Pope. The most notable thing about it is that it could have been written and published by a woman of high status and style.
An Elegy written in an Empty Assembly Room Published (anonymously) by R. & J. Dodsley, London, 1766, was a parody on some of the most remarkable passages in Pope’s Epistle of Eloisa to Abelard, but the subject does not inspire interest, and the parody has little humour.
An Elegy written in an Empty Assembly Room Published (anonymously) by R. & J. Dodsley, London, 1766, was a parody of some of the most notable parts of Pope’s Epistle of Eloisa to Abelard, but the topic does not spark interest, and the parody lacks humor.
A French parody of this famous poem by Pope also exists, entitled “Histoire des amours et des infortunes d’Abelard et d’Eloise mise en vers satiré-comi-burlesques,” par M. Armand. Cologne, Pierre Marteau, 1724.
A French parody of this famous poem by Pope also exists, entitled “Histoire des amours et des infortunes d’Abelard et d’Eloise mise en vers satiré-comi-burlesques,” by M. Armand. Cologne, Pierre Marteau, 1724.
Another parody of the same passage is given “after a bad dinner” in “Anecdotes, Historical and Literary,” published in London by Vernor and Hood in 1796.
Another parody of the same passage is provided “after a bad dinner” in “Anecdotes, Historical and Literary,” published in London by Vernor and Hood in 1796.
An imitation of Pope’s Universal Prayer will be found on page 115 of The Pleasures of Nature by D. Carey. 1803.
An imitation of Pope’s Universal Prayer can be found on page 115 of The Pleasures of Nature by D. Carey. 1803.
A Parody of Achilles’ Speech,
A Parody of Achilles' Speech
Pope’s Homer, Book I, line 309.
Pope’s Homer, Book I, line 309.
(Occasioned by the author hearing of a Clergyman who, in a violent fit of anger, threw his wig into the fire, and turned his son out of doors.)
(Triggered by the author learning about a clergyman who, in a furious fit of rage, tossed his wig into the fire and kicked his son out of the house.)
From The Works of Richard Owen Cambridge. London. Cadell and Davies, 1803.
From The Works of Richard Owen Cambridge. London. Cadell and Davies, 1803.
It is sometimes objected to parodies, that they tend to bring into ridicule the finest productions of genius; but this is an imaginary, rather than a real ground of complaint. Who does not admire the Mantuan Poet though Cotton has burlesqued his Æneid? And though the Iliad has been more than once travestied, do we not still dwell with enthusiastic pleasure on every line attributed to Homer? We see therefore no need of apology in submitting to our readers a parody of the following beautiful lines of Pope:—
It’s sometimes argued that parodies tend to mock the greatest works of genius, but this is more of a fictional complaint than a valid concern. Who doesn't appreciate the Mantuan poet even though Cotton has made a parody of his Æneid? And even though the Iliad has been parodied several times, don’t we still find joy in every line credited to Homer? Therefore, we feel no need to apologize for presenting our readers with a parody of the following beautiful lines by Pope:—
In Posthumous Parodies (1814) there is a paraphrase of a passage in Pope’s “Temple of Fame,” it commences thus:
In Posthumous Parodies (1814), there's a paraphrase of a passage in Pope’s “Temple of Fame,” and it starts like this:
George Canning, C. J. Fox, R. B. Sheridan, Warren Hastings, Burke and Windham are the other politicians alluded to in this poem.
George Canning, C. J. Fox, R. B. Sheridan, Warren Hastings, Burke, and Windham are the other politicians mentioned in this poem.
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Pope’s prologue to Addison’s tragedy of Cato is justly considered one of the finest prologues in the language. The following parody of it is taken from a little tract entitled “A Succinct Description of that Elaborate Pile of Art, called the Microcosm. With a short account of the Solar System.” Coventry. Printed for the Proprietor Mr. Edward Davis, 1763. The Microcosm was constructed by Mr. Henry Bridges of Waltham Abbey, architect, it was in the form of a Roman Temple, ten feet high by six feet broad in the basis, and was designed to give the spectator instruction in architecture, sculpture and astronomy.
Pope’s introduction to Addison’s play Cato is widely regarded as one of the best introductions in the language. The following parody comes from a small pamphlet titled “A Succinct Description of that Elaborate Pile of Art, called the Microcosm. With a short account of the Solar System.” Coventry. Printed for the owner Mr. Edward Davis, 1763. The Microcosm was built by Mr. Henry Bridges of Waltham Abbey, an architect, and it was shaped like a Roman Temple, ten feet tall and six feet wide at the base. It was meant to educate viewers about architecture, sculpture, and astronomy.
“The following parody (on Pope’s prologue to Cato) was addressed to Mr. Henry Bridges, constructor of that elaborate piece of mechanism. The Microcosm, by Dr. Burton, of Yarmouth.”
“The following parody (on Pope’s prologue to Cato) was addressed to Mr. Henry Bridges, the creator of that intricate piece of machinery. The Microcosm, by Dr. Burton, of Yarmouth.”
The Rape of the Cake.
The Cake Heist.
A COVENT-GARDEN ECLOQUE.
A Covent Garden Eclogue.
Inscribed to the Musical Band of Covent-garden theatre, on account of the recent theft of their twelfth-cake.
Inscribed to the Musical Band of Covent Garden Theatre, due to the recent theft of their twelfth cake.
A volume of poems by T. Flatman, published in 1674, contains a poem entitled A Thought on Death from which Pope must have borrowed his ode “The Dying Christian to his Soul:”—
A collection of poems by T. Flatman, published in 1674, includes a poem titled A Thought on Death, which Pope must have taken inspiration from for his ode "The Dying Christian to his Soul":—
So far Pope, compare Flatman:—
So far, Pope, compare Flatman:—
Pope was the author of numerous imitations of other Poets, such as Chaucer, Spenser, Waller, Abraham Cowley, the Earl of Rochester, the Earl of Dorset, and Dean Swift. The poem in imitation of Chaucer is somewhat coarse, that after Dr. Swift will be quoted later on, under that author’s name.
Pope wrote many imitations of other poets, including Chaucer, Spenser, Waller, Abraham Cowley, the Earl of Rochester, the Earl of Dorset, and Dean Swift. The poem imitating Chaucer is a bit rough; the one after Dr. Swift will be cited later under that author's name.
COLIN’S COMPLAINT.
COLIN'S GRIEVANCE.
Nicholas Rowe, Born 1673, Died 1718.
Nicholas Rowe, Born 1673, Died 1718.
Poet Laureate 1715 to 1718.
Poet Laureate 1715–1718.
Nicholas Rowe wrote several tragedies and some poems, but the above is almost the only specimen which has any life in it. A Latin version, entitled “Corydon Querens” will be found in Vincent Bourne’s works.
Nicholas Rowe wrote several tragedies and some poems, but the above is almost the only example that has any energy in it. A Latin version, titled “Corydon Querens,” can be found in Vincent Bourne’s works.
From Carols of Cockayne, by Henry S. Leigh. London, Chatto and Windus, 1874.
From Carols of Cockayne, by Henry S. Leigh. London, Chatto and Windus, 1874.
LORD LYTTLETON.
A Burlesque Ode by Tobias Smollett.
A Burlesque Ode by Tobias Smollett.
Lord Lyttleton was not only the patron of poets, but was also a minor poet himself. He married, in 1741, Miss Lucy Fortescue, whose death five years afterwards gave him a theme for a monody which contained the following lines:—
Lord Lyttleton was not just a supporter of poets; he was also a minor poet himself. He married Miss Lucy Fortescue in 1741, and her death five years later inspired him to write a monody that included the following lines:—
Smollett, who considered that his merits had been neglected by Lord Lyttleton, wrote the following parody on this monody:—
Smollett, feeling that Lord Lyttleton had overlooked his talents, wrote the following parody on this monody:—
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From The Lays of the Mocking Sprite. Cambridge. W. Metcalfe & Sons.
From The Lays of the Mocking Sprite. Cambridge. W. Metcalfe & Sons.
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ODE,
ODE,
(In the Manner of Dr. Samuel Johnson.)
(In the Style of Dr. Samuel Johnson.)
Addressed to a Girl in the Temple, 1777.
Addressed to a Girl in the Temple, 1777.
From The Wiccamical Chaplet. Edited by George Huddesford. London, Leigh, Sotheby & Son, 1804.
From The Wiccamical Chaplet. Edited by George Huddesford. London, Leigh, Sotheby & Son, 1804.
Dr. Johnson wrote the following lines as a skit on the style of Dr. Warton, then Poet-Laureate:—
Dr. Johnson wrote the following lines as a comedic take on the style of Dr. Warton, who was then Poet-Laureate:—
Dr. Johnson wrote the Prologue for the opening of Drury Lane Theatre, in 1747, which was spoken by David Garrick, it commenced with the well known lines:—
Dr. Johnson wrote the Prologue for the opening of Drury Lane Theatre in 1747, which was delivered by David Garrick. It started with the well-known lines:—
This was the subject of a political parody in Posthumous Parodies (London, 1814) of which it is only necessary to quote a few lines:—
This was the topic of a political satire in Posthumous Parodies (London, 1814), and it's enough to quote just a few lines:—
EDMUND SPENSER.
Born 1553. | Died January 16, 1599.
Born 1553. | Died January 16, 1599.
Appointed Poet-Laureate 1590.
Appointed Poet Laureate in 1590.
Although there are not many parodies extant of Spenser’s poetry, yet the beautiful metre which he invented, and used with such success in The Faerie Queene, has been since imitated, or adopted by many of our leading poets. This will be seen by the following list of works, written in the Spenserian stanza, which has been compiled with great care, by Mr. Jonathan Bouchier, of Ropley.
Although there aren't many parodies of Spenser's poetry still around, the beautiful meter he created and used so successfully in The Faerie Queene has been imitated or adopted by many of our prominent poets. This can be seen in the following list of works written in the Spenserian stanza, compiled with great care by Mr. Jonathan Bouchier of Ropley.
- Allan’s ‘Bridal of Caolchaiarn’ and ‘Last Deer of Brenn Doran’ (or Dran).
- Beattie’s ‘Minstrel.’
- Bedingfield ‘The Education of Achilles.’
- William Lisle Bowles ‘Childe Harold’s Last Pilgrimage,’ six stanzas.
- Burns’s ‘Cotter’s Saturday Night.’
- W. C. Bryant ‘The Ages.’
- Byron’s ‘Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage.’
- Campbell’s ‘Gertrude of Wyoming.’
- Campbell’s ‘Chaucer and Windsor.’
- Cooper’s ‘Purgatory of Suicides.’
- Edward’s ‘Tour of the Dove.’
- Hood’s ‘Irish Schoolmaster.’
- Howitt’s ‘Desolation of Eyam.’
- Keats’s ‘Imitation of Spenser’ (his first, or nearly his first verses).
- Keats’s ‘Eve of St. Agnes.’
- Keats’s ‘The Cap and Bells.’
- Keble’s ‘Mourners following the Cross.’
- William Julius Mickle ‘The Concubine’ (title afterwards altered to ‘Sir Martyne’), a poem in two cantos.
- Neale’s ‘Edom.’
- Read’s (American) ‘New Village.’
- Miss Frances Rolleston, ‘The Pilgrimage of Harmonia,’ 1874.
- Sir W. Scott, Fitztraver’s Song in ‘The Lay of the Last Minstrel,’ canto vi.
- ‘Vision of Don Roderick,’ and introductory stanzas to each canto of the ‘Lady of the Lake,’ and the ‘Lord of the Isles.’
- Shelley’s ‘Revolt of Islam’ (sometimes called ‘Laon and Cythna’), and ‘Adonais.’
- Shenstone’s ‘Schoolmistress.’
- Smith, Alexander ‘Lady Barbara.’
- Edmund Neale Smith, obiit 1710: ‘Thales: a Monody, sacred to the memory of Dr. Pococke. In imitation of Spenser.’—First published in 1751, forty years after Smith’s death.
- ‘Psyche, or the Great Metamorphosis’ (query author), in Dodsley’s ‘Collection of Poems by Several Hands,’ ed. 1775, vol. iii.
- Southey ‘A Tale of Paraguay.’
- Tennyson’s ‘Lotos-Eaters’ (introduction).
- Thomson’s ‘Castle of Indolence.’
- Mrs. Tighe’s ‘Psyche.’
- Walker, William Sidney: ‘Wandering Thoughts.’
- West, Gilbert ‘Education’ and ‘On the Abuse of Travelling.’
- White, Kirke ‘Christiad.’
- Wiffen’s Translation of Tasso’s ‘Jerusalem Delivered.’
- Isaac William’s, ‘Rule of Faith’ (‘Lyra Apostolica’).
- Wilson’s ‘Children’s Dance’ and ‘Scholar’s Funeral.’
- Wordsworth’s ‘Guilt and Sorrow,’ an imitation of Thomson, written in 1802.
- Worsley’s Homer’s ‘Iliad.’
- Worsley’s Homer’s ‘Odyssey.’
The following is the title of a small book written in imitation of Spenser’s style:—
The following is the title of a short book written in the style of Spenser:—
“An original Canto of Spencer (sic): Designed as part of his Fairy Queen, but never Printed.”—Now made Publick by Nestor Ironside Esq.—The Second Edition. London. Printed for James Roberts, near the Oxford Arms in Warwick Lane, MDCCXIV.
“An original Canto of Spencer (sic): Intended as part of his Fairy Queen, but never published.”—Now made public by Nestor Ironside Esq.—The Second Edition. London. Printed for James Roberts, near the Oxford Arms in Warwick Lane, 1714.
JONATHAN SWIFT.
Born, 1667. | Died, October 29, 1745.
Born, 1667. | Passed away, October 29, 1745.
From The Foundling Hospital for Wit, Vol. IV. 1786.
From The Foundling Hospital for Wit, Vol. IV. 1786.
In the works of Oliver Goldsmith two poetical imitations of Dean Swift appear, one is entitled “A new Simile in the Manner of Swift,” the other, and the more amusing, is given below.
In the works of Oliver Goldsmith, there are two poetic imitations of Dean Swift. One is called "A New Simile in the Manner of Swift," and the other, which is more entertaining, is provided below.
JAMES BROWN.
(“Baron” Brown, the Durham Poet.)
(“Baron” Brown, the Durham Poet.)
Hone’s Every Day Book, (Vol. II, p. 1218) contains a record of the career, and a portrait of this eccentric individual, who lived in Newcastle-on-Tyne during the first quarter of the present century, when he published a series of extraordinary writings which he considered Poems, and assumed the title of Poet-Laureate. Brown was known to be inordinately vain, and many letters were sent him purporting to come from the leading poets and authors of the day. All of these he believed to be genuine, and would show them to his friends, (who were frequently the real authors) with much pride. These letters, which were chiefly in verse, were produced by the law and medical students of Durham and Newcastle, and of the Catholic College of Ushaw. In 1821, Brown received a large parchment signed G.R. attested by Messrs. Canning and Peel, to which was suspended a large unmeaning seal, which he believed to be the great seal of Great Britain, conferring upon him the title of Baron Brown of Durham, in the County Palatine of Durham, in consequence of a translation of his works having been the means of converting the Mogul empire. From that moment he assumed the name and style of “Baron Brown,” and had a wooden box made for the preservation of his patent. Of the poems that were sent to him only the following fragments have been preserved:—
Hone’s Every Day Book, (Vol. II, p. 1218) includes a record of the life and a portrait of this eccentric individual who lived in Newcastle-on-Tyne during the early years of this century. He published a series of unusual writings that he called Poems and claimed the title of Poet-Laureate. Brown was known to be excessively vain, and he received many letters that were supposedly from the leading poets and authors of the time. He believed all of these letters were real and proudly showed them to his friends, who were often the actual authors. These letters, mostly written in verse, came from law and medical students at Durham and Newcastle, as well as from the Catholic College of Ushaw. In 1821, Brown received a large parchment signed G.R., certified by Messrs. Canning and Peel, with a large, meaningless seal attached that he believed to be the great seal of Great Britain. He thought it granted him the title of Baron Brown of Durham, in the County Palatine of Durham, due to a translation of his works that supposedly helped convert the Mogul empire. From that moment on, he adopted the name and style of “Baron Brown” and had a wooden box made to keep his patent safe. Of the poems that were sent to him, only the following fragments have been preserved:—
The first is an imitation of Wilson’s Isle of Palms.
The first is a copy of Wilson's Isle of Palms.
The next was supposed to be written by Sir Walter Scott. (Lady of the Lake.)
The next was supposed to be written by Sir Walter Scott. (Lady of the Lake.)
There was also a respectable burlesque of The Ancient Mariner, commencing:—
There was also a noteworthy parody of The Ancient Mariner, starting with:
It is a pity that only these few extracts were preserved by Mr. John Sykes in his “Local Records, or Historical Register of Remarkable Events,” 1824.
It’s a shame that only these few excerpts were kept by Mr. John Sykes in his “Local Records, or Historical Register of Remarkable Events,” 1824.
These lines were written in August, 1808, by Connop 193 Thirlwall, a precocious youth of eleven years of age, on the occasion of receiving the present of a copy of Bloomfield’s poem, “The Plough Boy.” The little work from which “The Pot-boy” is extracted, is entitled “Primitiæ; or Essays and Poems,” by Connop Thirlwall, with a preface by his father, the Rev, Thomas Thirlwall, M.A., who asserts that these Essays and Poems were entirely composed by his son before he was eleven years of age, a statement which requires considerable credulity from the reader.
These lines were written in August 1808 by Connop 193 Thirlwall, a talented eleven-year-old, when he received a copy of Bloomfield’s poem, “The Plough Boy.” The small work from which “The Pot-boy” is taken is called “Primitiæ; or Essays and Poems,” by Connop Thirlwall, featuring a preface by his father, the Rev. Thomas Thirlwall, M.A. He claims that these Essays and Poems were entirely written by his son before he turned eleven, a claim that requires a lot of belief from the reader.
JOHN KEATS.
Born Oct. 29, 1796. | Died Dec. 27, 1820.
Born Oct. 29, 1796. | Passed away Dec. 27, 1820.
The following imitation of two Odes by John Keats is taken from The Diversions of the Echo Club, by Bayard Taylor:—
The following imitation of two Odes by John Keats is taken from The Diversions of the Echo Club, by Bayard Taylor:—
Keats Improved.
Keats Upgraded.
“In his opinion, a railway was in itself a beautiful object.”—Mr. Labouchere in the Debate on the Ambleside Railway Bill.
“In his opinion, a railway was a beautiful thing in itself.” —Mr. Labouchere in the Debate on the Ambleside Railway Bill.
COVENTRY PATMORE.
The best known work of this poet “The Angel in the House,” published in 1855, was the subject of the following parody written by Shirley Brooks in 1860:
The most famous work of this poet, "The Angel in the House," published in 1855, was the inspiration for the following parody written by Shirley Brooks in 1860:
From The Puppet Showman’s Album. Illustrated by Gavarni. No date.
From The Puppet Showman’s Album. Illustrated by Gavarni. No date.
MISS JEAN INGELOW.
This little ballad, which is taken from Mopsa the Fairy, by Jean Ingelow (London: Longmans, Green & Co., 1869) is supposed to have been the original which C. S. Calverley had in his mind when he composed the amusing parody commencing:—
This little ballad, taken from Mopsa the Fairy by Jean Ingelow (London: Longmans, Green & Co., 1869) is thought to be the original that C. S. Calverley had in mind when he created the entertaining parody starting with:—
This ballad has already been alluded to, and some imitations of it given on p. 71 of this volume.
This ballad has already been mentioned, and some imitations of it can be found on p. 71 of this volume.
It will be found in Fly Leaves, by C. S. Calverley (London: George Bell & Sons, 1878), in which there is another burlesque imitation of Miss Jean Ingelow’s poetry, entitled—
It will be found in Fly Leaves, by C. S. Calverley (London: George Bell & Sons, 1878), in which there is another burlesque imitation of Miss Jean Ingelow’s poetry, titled—
Admirers of Miss Ingelow’s fiction may be interested in knowing the history of those funny little bits of verse with which she enlivened the later chapters of “Fated to be Free.” There can be no doubt that they were intended as a delicate kind of retaliation to Mr. Calverley. As he, who was a cunning master of every kind of metre, had thought fit to directly parody Miss Ingelow’s most popular pieces, by exposing and exaggerating all her worst faults, it was only natural that she should seek to be revenged in kind. But it is clear that the lady cannot cope with Calverley in parody. Her verses read more like deliberate nonsense, and lack the faculty of imitation of style in which he excelled. The following satirical lines, from “Fated to be Free” illustrate this point, “Crayshaw” having been substituted for “Calverley,” doubtless for the sake of the rhyme:—
Admirers of Miss Ingelow’s fiction might be curious about the story behind those amusing little bits of verse that she included in the later chapters of “Fated to be Free.” It’s clear that they were meant as a subtle way to get back at Mr. Calverley. Since he, being a skilled master of various forms of meter, chose to directly parody Miss Ingelow’s most popular works by pointing out and exaggerating all her flaws, it makes sense that she would want to retaliate in a similar way. However, it’s obvious that she doesn’t quite measure up to Calverley in parody. Her verses come off more like intentional nonsense and lack the mimicking ability of style where he excelled. The following satirical lines from “Fated to be Free” illustrate this point, with “Crayshaw” substituted for “Calverley,” likely just to keep the rhyme:—
From Diversions of the Echo Club, by Bayard Taylor.
From Diversions of the Echo Club, by Bayard Taylor.
In a volume of poems by Miss Jean Ingelow, published in 1880, there was a long one entitled The Letter L, which gave rise to the following parody, printed in “The Daily News” of December 4, 1885.
In a collection of poems by Miss Jean Ingelow, published in 1880, there was a lengthy one called The Letter L, which inspired the following parody, printed in “The Daily News” on December 4, 1885.
This was at the time of the general election, when the returns were daily being scanned with great interest, and the C’s and L’s and P’s were eagerly counted up by all politicians.
This was during the general election, when the results were being closely monitored every day, and all the C’s, L’s, and P’s were eagerly tallied by politicians.
HORACE.
Messrs. George Bell & Sons have recently published an interesting collection entitled, “Horace’s Odes, Englished and Imitated” selected and arranged by Charles W. G. Cooper. This contains several burlesque imitations of Horace’s Odes, but not the following, which are certainly also worthy of preservation.
Messrs. George Bell & Sons have recently published an intriguing collection titled, “Horace’s Odes, Englished and Imitated,” selected and arranged by Charles W. G. Cooper. This includes several humorous imitations of Horace’s Odes, but it does not feature the following, which are certainly also deserving of being kept.
Mr. Shirley Brooks wrote many other humorous translations of Horace, which will be found in his Wit and Humour. London, Bradbury & Co. 1883.
Mr. Shirley Brooks wrote many other funny translations of Horace, which you can find in his Wit and Humour. London, Bradbury & Co. 1883.
From Gradus ad Cantabrigiam by a Brace of Cantabs. London, 1824.
From Gradus ad Cantabrigiam by a Brace of Cantabs. London, 1824.
Thackeray also wrote some humourous versions of Horace, which are familiar to everyone. In 1862 a small volume entitled Railway Horace, by G. Chichester Oxenden, was published by Upham and Beet, London; the translations were not destitute of merit, but are now rather out of date.
Thackeray also wrote some humorous takes on Horace that everyone knows. In 1862, a small book called Railway Horace, by G. Chichester Oxenden, was published by Upham and Beet in London. The translations had some value but now feel a bit outdated.
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JOHN GAY.
In the same volume there was another parody, dealing with a similar topic, entitled—
In the same volume, there was another parody that covered a similar topic, titled—
“The Beggar’s Opera,” written by Mr. John Gay, was first produced at the theatre in Lincoln’s Inn Fields, in 1728, and was so successful that it made “Gay rich and Rich (the lessee) gay.” This encouraged Gay to write a sequel to it, entitled “Polly,” which was produced in 1729, but met with far less approbation.
“The Beggar’s Opera,” written by John Gay, was first performed at the theater in Lincoln’s Inn Fields in 1728 and was so successful that it made Gay wealthy and Rich (the lessee) happy. This success prompted Gay to write a sequel called “Polly,” which was produced in 1729 but received much less approval.
An anonymous play was produced in 1773, called “The Bow Street Opera,” on the plan of “The Beggar’s Opera,” in which the most celebrated songs were parodied.
An anonymous play was produced in 1773, called “The Bow Street Opera,” based on “The Beggar’s Opera,” in which the most famous songs were parodied.
John Gay was the author of the well-known song Black-eyed Susan, “All in the Downs the fleet was moor’d,” of which an excellent Latin translation will be found in the Poetical Works of Vincent Bourne.
John Gay was the author of the famous song Black-eyed Susan, “All in the Downs the fleet was moor’d,” and you can find a great Latin translation in the Poetical Works of Vincent Bourne.
Dr. ERASMUS DARWIN.
1731-1802.
1731-1802.
The fame of this once popular poet has been so utterly eclipsed by the philosophical and scientific writings of his grandson, that there is some danger that the author of “The Loves of the Plants” and “The Botanic Garden” may soon be quite forgotten. Fifty years ago the Death of Eliza at the Battle of Minden, taken from “The Loves of the Plants” was a favourite recitation, and was included in every book of Elegant Extracts.
The fame of this once popular poet has been so completely overshadowed by the philosophical and scientific writings of his grandson that there’s a real risk that the author of “The Loves of the Plants” and “The Botanic Garden” might soon be forgotten. Fifty years ago, the Death of Eliza at the Battle of Minden, taken from “The Loves of the Plants,” was a beloved recitation and was featured in every collection of Elegant Extracts.
This detached passage is quoted below, together with a modern parody upon it:—
This separate section is quoted below, along with a modern parody of it:—
But one of the most humorous parodies in the language, which was also founded upon Darwin’s poem, appeared in The Anti-Jacobin, it was entitled
But one of the funniest parodies in the language, which was also based on Darwin’s poem, appeared in The Anti-Jacobin, and it was titled
* * * * *
* * * * *
This parody has two drawbacks, in the first place it is 200 much too long to be inserted here in full, in the second place, much of its humour depends on an acquaintance with the original poem, which comparatively few modern readers have. It will be found complete in The Poetry of the Anti-Jacobin.
This parody has two drawbacks. First, it's too long to include here in full; second, a lot of its humor relies on familiarity with the original poem, something that relatively few modern readers possess. You can find it complete in The Poetry of the Anti-Jacobin.
There were several other parodies of Darwin’s Loves of the Plants, such as The Loves of the Colours, and The Loves of the Lowlier Plants, both of which were published about 1824.
There were several other parodies of Darwin’s Loves of the Plants, like The Loves of the Colours and The Loves of the Lowlier Plants, both published around 1824.
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MATTHEW ARNOLD.
In the second volume of this collection (p. 236) will be found several parodies of Matthew Arnold’s Sonnet to George Cruikshank, and The Forsaken Merman, which had been printed some years before. Yet a writer in the Saturday Review, in a notice of Arnold’s poems, made the following confession of his ignorance:—
In the second volume of this collection (p. 236), you'll find several parodies of Matthew Arnold’s Sonnet to George Cruikshank and The Forsaken Merman, which were printed a few years earlier. However, a writer in the Saturday Review, in a review of Arnold’s poems, made the following admission of his ignorance:—
“Tennyson, Browning, Swinburne, and most of our lesser poets besides, have been parodied again and again; we do not remember to have seen a single parody of Mr. Arnold.… There is a subtlety about the structure of his verse and the harmony of his lines which defies imitation.”
“Tennyson, Browning, Swinburne, and most of our lesser poets have been parodied over and over; we can't recall seeing a single parody of Mr. Arnold.… There’s a complexity in the way he arranges his verses and the flow of his lines that is hard to copy.”
The Superfine Review makes such claims to omniscience that it is refreshing to find a writer on its staff not only stating his belief that Arnold had not been parodied, but that his poetry defied parody, and this soon after the reading world had been delighted with the following successful burlesque, in Mr. W. H. Mallock’s The New Republic, published in London by Messrs. Chatto & Windus:—
The Superfine Review makes such claims of being all-knowing that it's refreshing to find a writer on its team who not only believes Arnold hasn't been parodied, but that his poetry cannot be parodied. This comes right after readers enjoyed the successful spoof in Mr. W. H. Mallock’s The New Republic, published in London by Messrs. Chatto & Windus:—
This parody of Matthew Arnold appeared in The World some years ago, so that the Saturday Reviewer before alluded to must either have been Rip Van Winkle, or very fresh from school.
This parody of Matthew Arnold was published in The World a few years back, so the Saturday Reviewer mentioned earlier must either have been Rip Van Winkle or just out of school.
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Guido and Lita.
Guido and Lita.
For the son of a Duke, and the husband of a Princess, to write and to publish a poem was a pretty piece of condescension, which was not properly appreciated. But, alas! we live in a busy age, and two thousand lines of verse have a deterring effect on the average modern mind. To overcome the difficulty, Funny Folks condensed the Marquis of Lorne’s dismal poem Guido and Lita into half a dozen stanzas, faithfully preserving the pith of the original.
For the son of a Duke and the husband of a Princess, writing and publishing a poem was quite a generous gesture that wasn't fully appreciated. But, unfortunately, we live in a fast-paced world, and two thousand lines of poetry can be overwhelming for the average modern reader. To tackle this challenge, Funny Folks condensed the Marquis of Lorne’s gloomy poem Guido and Lita into six stanzas, while still keeping the essence of the original.
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NUTSHELL NOVELS.
Nutshell Novels.
The four following examples originally appeared in Truth, February, 3, 1887, together with many others of a less amusing character:—
The four examples below were first published in Truth, February 3, 1887, along with many others that were less entertaining in nature:—
A COUNTRY QUARTER SESSION.
A county court session.
For reasons which can be easily understood by those interested in public companies it has suited the Editor of The Financial News to cry down the ventures in which Mr. John Thomas North is interested. It is easy enough to sneer at him as the “Nitrate King,” and to laugh at his Volunteer Colonelcy, but we do not hear that the Editor of The Financial News is either so successful in business, or so hospitable in private life, as “Colonel North of the Horse Marines.”
For reasons that are clear to anyone interested in public companies, the Editor of The Financial News has chosen to undermine the ventures that Mr. John Thomas North is involved in. It's simple to mock him as the "Nitrate King" and to make fun of his Volunteer Colonelcy, but we don't hear that the Editor of The Financial News is particularly successful in business or particularly welcoming in his personal life compared to "Colonel North of the Horse Marines."
The following are extracts from an imitation of A. C. Swinburne which appeared in The Century Magazine, February, 1883. As to any meaning to be attached to the lines each reader is perfectly at liberty to make what sense out of them he can.
The following are excerpts from a piece imitating A. C. Swinburne that was published in The Century Magazine, February 1883. Each reader is completely free to interpret the lines in whatever way they choose.
MR. SWINBURNE’S PROSE.
Mr. Swinburne's writing.
As a critic and a scholar Mr. Swinburne ranks among the first of the day, yet his style has its defects, as was clearly pointed out by a correspondent of the Pall Mall Gazette in November 1886.
As a critic and a scholar, Mr. Swinburne is considered one of the best of his time, but his style has its flaws, as was clearly noted by a writer for the Pall Mall Gazette in November 1886.
If one of Mr. Swinburne’s long and involved sentences is printed side by side with one selected from Mrs. Gamp’s repertoire, the comparison is not altogether to the advantage of the poet:
If you put one of Mr. Swinburne’s long and complicated sentences next to one picked from Mrs. Gamp’s repertoire, the comparison doesn’t really favor the poet:
Mr. Swinburne.
Mr. Swinburne.
We may even, and not unreasonably, suspect and fear that it must be through some defect or default in ourselves if we 206 cannot feel, as they do, the force or charm of that which touches others, and these our betters as often as our equals, so nearly; if we cannot, for example—as I may regretfully confess that I never could—feel adequately, or in full, the bitter sweetness that so many thousands, and most notably among them all a better man by far and a far worthier judge than I, have tasted in these pages of Dickens which hold the story of Little Nell, a story in which all the elaborate accumulation of pathetic incident and interest, so tenderly and studiously built up, has never, to speak truth, given me one passing thrill—in the exquisitely fit and faithful phrase of a great living poet, “one sweet, possessive pang” of the tender delight and pity requickened well nigh to tears at every fresh perusal or chance recollection of that one simple passage in “Bleak House” which describes the baby household tended by the little sister, who leaves her lesser charges locked up while she goes charing; a page which I can imagine that many a man unused to the melting mood would not undertake to read out aloud without a break.—Note on Charlotte Brontë, pp. 64-65.
We might even, and not unreasonably, suspect and fear that it must be some defect or flaw in ourselves if we 206 can’t feel, as others do, the impact or allure of what affects them, whether they are our superiors or peers. For instance, I can regretfully admit that I have never truly felt the bittersweetness that countless others—most notably, a much better person and far more qualified judge than I—have experienced in these pages of Dickens that tell the story of Little Nell. In that story, all the carefully crafted moments of emotional intensity and interest, so lovingly and thoughtfully created, have never, to be honest, given me even a fleeting thrill—in the beautifully fitting and accurate words of a great contemporary poet, “one sweet, possessive pang” of the gentle joy and compassion that nearly brings tears at every new reading or sudden memory of that one simple scene in “Bleak House” which describes the baby household looked after by the little sister, who locks up her younger charges while she goes off to do chores; a page that I can imagine many a man not used to feeling emotional would hesitate to read aloud without pausing.—Note on Charlotte Brontë, pp. 64-65.
Now for Mrs. Gamp.
Now for Mrs. Gamp.
To think as I should see beneath this blessed ouse which well I know it Miss Pecksniff my sweet young lady to be a ouse as there is not a many like—and worse luck, and wishin’ it were not so, which then this tearful walley would be changed into a flowerin’ guardian Mrs. Chuffy; to think as I should see identically comin’ Mrs. Pinch—I take the liberty though almost unbeknown—and so assure you of it Sir, the smilinest and sweetest face as ever Mrs. Chuzzlewit, I see exceptin’ your own, my dear good lady, and your good lady’s too Sir Mrs. Moddle, if I may make so bold as speak so plain of what is plain enough to them as need’nt look through millstones Mrs. Todgers to find out what is wrote upon the wall behind: which no offence is meant ladies and gentlemen none being took I hope: to think as I should see that smilinest and sweetest face which me and another friend of mine took notice of among the packages down London Bridge in this promiscuous place is a surprise indeed!
To think that I should see beneath this blessed house, which I know well, is Miss Pecksniff, my sweet young lady, a house that isn’t too common—and unfortunately wishing it were different, then this tearful valley would transform into a flourishing guardian, Mrs. Chuffy; to think that I should see the exact arrival of Mrs. Pinch—I take the liberty, though almost without being noticed—and assure you, Sir, that the brightest and sweetest face I’ve ever seen is Mrs. Chuzzlewit, aside from your own, my dear good lady, and your good lady’s too, Sir, Mrs. Moddle, if I may be bold enough to speak so plainly about what is obvious to those who don’t need to look through millstones to see what’s written on the wall behind: which means no offense, ladies and gentlemen, none taken, I hope; to think that I should see that brightest and sweetest face that my friend and I took notice of among the packages down London Bridge in this mixed-up place is truly a surprise!
Several humorous parodies written by the late Mr. Mortimer Collins have already appeared in this collection, but his lines to Chloe, with her supposed burlesque reply to them, deserve to be quoted:—
Several funny parodies by the late Mr. Mortimer Collins have already been included in this collection, but his verses to Chloe, along with her supposed playful response, deserve to be quoted:—
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The following song was written by Mr. Collins in the days when George the Third was King. It was published, with music, by T. Broome, 15 Holborn Bars, London.
The following song was written by Mr. Collins in the days when George III was King. It was published, with music, by T. Broome, 15 Holborn Bars, London.
Prose Parodies.
In the following pages a selection, as nearly representative as it can be made, will be given from the parodies of the works of our greatest prose writers. Although the axiom le style c’est l’homme does not apply to prose with quite the same force as to poetry, yet there are many amusing prose burlesques, the originals of which will at once be recognised.
In the following pages, we will present a selection that is as representative as possible from the parodies of our greatest prose writers. Although the saying le style c’est l’homme doesn't apply to prose with the same intensity as it does to poetry, there are still many amusing prose parodies that will be immediately recognizable.
Unfortunately most prose parodies are very long, in dealing with these merely brief extracts can be given, and in some cases it will only be necessary to indicate the names of the works in which they occur.
Unfortunately, most prose parodies are quite lengthy, so only brief excerpts can be provided here, and in some cases, it will just be necessary to mention the names of the works where they appear.
A Prefatory Paper.
An Introductory Paper.
By the shade of Mr. Joseph Addison.
By the shade of Mr. Joseph Addison.
Lest my readers, and more especially the fair part of them, be startled to find themselves thus accosted from another world, I take the freedom in the first place, to assure them that I am a peaceable and altogether inoffensive ghost. In the many private transactions whereat I have been present unseen, I have ever observed a strict discretion.
Lest my readers, especially the women among them, be surprised to find themselves addressed by someone from another world, I want to assure them upfront that I am a harmless and completely non-threatening ghost. In all the private matters I have witnessed without being seen, I have always maintained a strict sense of discretion.
The secrets of the rouge pot are as safe with me as with my lady’s own woman: and when I have found a lover in the closet of a dame of quality, I have taken no more notice, than her husband himself would have done of a like accident. Our Queen, Proserpine, being, as everybody knows, obliged entirely to the poets for her throne and title, and taking likewise, in her capacity of moon, no little share in their inspiration, hath ever distinguished the whole brotherhood of us with her singular grace: and from time to time, by her intercession with her grim spouse, one or other of us hath the liberty of paying a visit to the upper sphere.
The secrets of the makeup jar are as safe with me as they are with my lady’s own maid: and when I find a lover in the closet of a lady of high standing, I pay no more attention than her husband would to a similar situation. Our Queen, Proserpine, who, as everyone knows, owes her throne and title entirely to the poets, and who also, in her role as the moon, plays a big part in their inspiration, has always shown kindness to all of us in the brotherhood: and from time to time, by her pleading with her stern husband, one or another of us gets the chance to visit the upper realm.
All the condition set upon us is only this; that on our return, we shall make such corrections in our most popular works, as modern men and things may appear to need.
All the conditions set upon us are just this: that upon our return, we will make the necessary updates to our most popular works based on what modern people and circumstances may require.
For the sake of mutual help in these our reforms, a few of us have united of late into a Society, of which I have been appointed (together with Dr. Samuel Johnson) to be the joint secretary, or Recorder. And it may be convenient, if, by way of introduction to the pieces now revised and put forth, I prefix a short catalogue of their authors, persons who, though born in different ages, do nevertheless marvellously harmonise and agree, insomuch, that a sincerer friendship is hardly to be met with at Court, or even among beauties themselves.
For the sake of helping each other with our reforms, a few of us have recently formed a Society, and I have been appointed (along with Dr. Samuel Johnson) as the joint secretary, or Recorder. It might be helpful if, as an introduction to the revised pieces being presented, I include a brief list of their authors. These individuals, despite being from different eras, surprisingly harmonize and agree so well that it’s hard to find a more genuine friendship even at Court, or among the beautiful people themselves.
(Here follow descriptions of the principal authors whose works are imitated in “Posthumous Parodies.”)
(Here are descriptions of the main authors whose works are mimicked in “Posthumous Parodies.”)
However, it were almost too much to expect in either of us the perfection of later judges, who have carried the art of criticism to such a pitch of excellence, as that no mixture whatsoever of commendation is any longer let in, to weaken its spirit and effect.
However, it was almost too much to expect either of us to achieve the perfection of later judges, who have elevated the art of criticism to such an outstanding level that no hint of praise is allowed to dilute its impact or effectiveness.
For my own part, I am wonderfully pleased with this improvement; for it helps the main end of criticism, to wit, to make the public laugh.
For my part, I’m really happy with this improvement; it supports the main goal of criticism, which is to make the public laugh.
And what author can be so blind to his own real interests, as not to discern, how much more truly those are his friends who point out his errors, than who puff up his vanity?
And what author can be so oblivious to his own true interests, that he can't see how much more genuinely those are his friends who point out his mistakes, rather than those who inflate his ego?
I know not how it hath happened, that in an assembly so 208 notable for ingenious persons as ours is, there is yet no mixture of the fairer sort. Their absence is always a subject of regret with me, the most unworthy of their admirers: and it is so now in a more especial manner, forasmuch as I foresee that many small wags will take occasion to draw therefrom a conclusion not a little disparaging to the sex’s wit, and so make themselves mighty merry, as little people are ever willing, at their better’s expence. C.
I don’t know how it happened, that in a gathering as 208 remarkable for clever people as ours is, there are still no women present. Their absence is always something I regret, being the least deserving of their admirers; and it’s especially true now because I can see that many small jokers will use this to make a conclusion that unfairly looks down on women’s intelligence, and will have a good laugh at the expense of their betters, as small-minded people often do. C.
From Posthumous Parodies. London. J. Miller. 1814.
From Posthumous Parodies. London. J. Miller. 1814.
——:o:——
——:o:——
Dr. Johnson’s Ghost.
Dr. Johnson's Ghost.
On the re-opening of Drury Lane Theatre.
On the reopening of Drury Lane Theatre.
That which was organised by the moral ability of one has been executed by the physical efforts of many, and Drury Lane Theatre is now complete. Of that part behind the curtain, which has not yet been destined to glow beneath the brush of the varnisher, or vibrate to the hammer of the carpenter, little is thought by the public, and little need be said by the committee. Truth, however, is not lo be sacrificed for the accommodation of either; and he who should pronounce that our edifice has received its final embellishment would be disseminating falsehood without incurring favour, and risking the disgrace of detection without participating the advantage of success.
What was organized by the moral skill of one has been completed through the physical efforts of many, and Drury Lane Theatre is now finished. The part behind the curtain, which has yet to shine under the varnish or resonate with the carpenter's hammer, is barely considered by the public, and the committee has little to say about it. However, the truth shouldn’t be sacrificed for the convenience of anyone; and anyone who claims that our building has reached its final touches would be spreading falsehood without gaining any favor and risking the shame of being caught without enjoying the benefits of success.
Professions lavishly effused and parsimoniously verified are alike inconsistent with the precepts of innate rectitude and the practice of external policy: let it not then be conjectured, that because we are unassuming, we are imbecile; that forbearance is any indication of despondency, or humility of demerit. He that is the most assured of success will make the fewest appeals to favour, and where nothing is claimed that is undue, nothing that is due will be withheld. A swelling opening is too often succeeded by an insignificant conclusion. Parturient mountains have ere now produced muscipular abortions; and the auditor who compares incipient grandeur with final vulgarity is reminded of the pious hawkers of Constantinople, who solemnly perambulate her streets, exclaiming, “In the name of the Prophet—figs!”
Professions that are overly praised and poorly substantiated are both inconsistent with the principles of inherent morality and the practice of external affairs. So let’s not assume that just because we are modest, we are unintelligent; that patience is a sign of defeat, or humility a flaw. The person who is most confident in their success will seek favor the least, and when nothing is claimed that is unjust, nothing that is rightfully deserved will be withheld. A grand beginning is often followed by a trivial ending. Mountains in labor have sometimes given birth to mice; and the listener who compares initial greatness with final mediocrity is reminded of the pious vendors in Constantinople, who solemnly walk the streets, proclaiming, “In the name of the Prophet—figs!”
Of many who think themselves wise, and of some who are thought wise by others, the exertions are directed to the revival of mouldering and obscure dramas; to endeavours to exalt that which is now rare only because it was always worthless, and whose deterioration, while it condemned it to living obscurity, by a strange obliquity of moral perception, constitutes its title to posthumous renown. To embody the flying colours of folly, to arrest evanescence, to give to bubbles the globular consistency as well as form, to exhibit on the stage the piebald denizen of the stable, and the half-reasoning parent of combs, to display the brisk locomotion of Columbine, or the tortuous attitudinising of Punch;—these are the occupations of others, whose ambition, limited to the applause of unintellectual fatuity, is too innocuous for the application of satire, and too humble for the incitement of jealousy.
Among many who consider themselves wise, and some who are seen as wise by others, efforts are focused on reviving old and obscure plays; trying to celebrate what is now rare simply because it was always worthless, and whose decline, while it condemned it to live in obscurity, strangely grants it a claim to posthumous fame. To capture the fading glories of foolishness, to freeze what disappears, to give bubbles a spherical shape and form, to showcase the odd creature from the barn and the half-thinking source of combs, to display the lively movements of Columbine, or the twisted posing of Punch;—these are the pursuits of others, whose ambition, limited to the applause of mindless silliness, is too harmless for satire and too modest to incite jealousy.
Our refectory will be found to contain every species of fruit, from the cooling nectarine and luscious peach to the puny pippin and the noxious nut. There Indolence may repose, and Inebriety revel; and the spruce apprentice, rushing in at second account, may there chatter with impunity; debarred, by a barrier of brick and mortar, from marring that scenic interest in others, which nature and education have disqualified him from comprehending himself.
Our cafeteria has every kind of fruit, from refreshing nectarines and juicy peaches to small apples and unpleasant nuts. Here, laziness can relax, and drunkenness can celebrate; and the neat apprentice, rushing in for a second helping, can chat freely without worrying about ruining the enjoyment of others, which nature and education have left him unable to understand.
Permanent stage-doors we have none. That which is permanent cannot be removed, for, if removed, it soon ceases to be permanent. What stationary absurdity can vie with that ligneous barricado, which, decorated with frappant and tintinnabulant appendages, now serves as the entrance of the lowly cottage, and now as the exit of a lady’s bed-chamber; at one time, insinuating plastic Harlequin into a butcher’s shop, and, at another, yawning, as a floodgate, to precipitate the Cyprians of St. Giles’s into the embraces of Macheath. To elude this glaring absurdity, to give to each respective mansion the door which the carpenter would doubtless have given, we vary our portal with the varying scene, passing from deal to mahogany, and from mahogany to oak, as the opposite claims of cottage, palace, or castle, may appear to require.
We don’t have permanent stage doors. Anything permanent can’t be moved, because if it is, it quickly stops being permanent. What ridiculousness can compare to that wooden barricade, which, decorated with flashy and jangling ornaments, now serves as the entrance to a humble cottage and then as the exit to a lady’s bedroom; at one moment, letting a theatrical Harlequin into a butcher's shop, and the next, opening wide like a gate to send the women of St. Giles's into Macheath's arms. To avoid this glaring absurdity, and to give each house the door that a carpenter would undoubtedly have chosen, we change our entrance based on the scene, switching from pine to mahogany, and from mahogany to oak, depending on the needs of a cottage, palace, or castle.
Amid the general hum of gratulation which flatters us in front, it is fit that some regard should be paid to the murmurs of despondence that assail us in the rear. They, as I have elsewhere expressed it, “who live to please,” should not have their own pleasures entirely overlooked. The children of Thespis are general in their censures of the architect, in having placed the locality of exit at such a distance from the oily irradiators which now dazzle the eyes of him who addresses you, I am, cries the Queen of Terrors, robbed of my fair proportions. When the king-killing Thane hints to the breathless auditory the murders he means to perpetrate in the castle of Macduff, “ere his purpose cool,” so vast is the interval he has to travel before he can escape from the stage, that his purpose has even time to freeze. Your condition, cries the Muse of Smiles, is hard, but it is cygnet’s down in comparison with mine. The peerless peer of capers and congees[49] has laid it down as a rule, that the best good thing uttered by the morning visitor should conduct him rapidly to the doorway, last impressions vying in durability with first. But when, on this boarded elongation, it falls to my lot to say a good thing, to ejaculate “keep moving,” or to chant “hic hoc horum genitivo,” many are the moments that must elapse ere I can hide myself from public vision in the recesses of O. P. or P. S.
Amid the general buzz of praise that flatters us upfront, it’s important to pay attention to the whispers of despair that attack us from behind. Those who “live to please” shouldn’t have their own enjoyment completely ignored. The actors are often critical of the director for placing the exit so far from the bright lights that now dazzle the eye of the person speaking. "I am," laments the Queen of Terrors, "robbed of my fair proportions." When the king-killing Thane hints to the breathless audience about the murders he plans to commit in Macduff's castle, “before his purpose cools," the long distance he has to cover to flee the stage means his intention has time to freeze. Your situation, says the Muse of Smiles, is tough, but it's nothing compared to mine. The unmatched master of antics and formal bows has established a rule that the best thing said by the morning visitor should quickly lead him to the exit, as lasting impressions compete with first impressions. But when it’s my turn to share a clever line or to shout "keep moving," or to chant “hic hoc horum genitivo,” many moments must pass before I can escape from public view into the shadows of O. P. or P. S.
To objections like these, captiously urged and querulously maintained, it is time that equity should conclusively reply. Deviation from scenic propriety has only to vituperate itself for the consequences it generates. Let the actor consider the line of exit as that line beyond which he should not soar in quest of spurious applause: let him reflect, that in proportion as he advances to the lamps, he recedes from nature; that the truncheon of Hotspur acquires no additional charm from encountering the cheek of beauty in the stage-box, and that the bravura of Madame may produce effect, although the throat of her who warbles it should not overhang the orchestra. The Jove of the modern critical Olympus, Lord Mayor of the theatric sky[50] has, ex cathedrâ, asserted, that a natural actor looks upon the audience part of the theatre as the third side of the chamber he inhabits. Surely, of the third wall thus fancifully erected, our actors should, by ridicule or reason, be withheld from knocking their heads against the stucco.
To objections like these, which are pushed with annoyance and stubbornness, it's time for fairness to respond decisively. Straying from theatrical standards only brings trouble upon itself for the outcomes it creates. The actor should view the exit as a limit he shouldn't cross in search of fake applause: he should remember that the closer he gets to the spotlight, the further he moves away from authenticity; that Hotspur's sword doesn't gain any extra allure from being waved before an attractive audience member, and that a star's impressive vocals can make an impact even if her performance doesn't overshadow the orchestra. The modern critic’s top figure, the Lord Mayor of the theatrical realm, has stated that a natural performer sees the audience part of the theater as the third side of the room they occupy. Surely, our actors should be kept from banging their heads against this metaphorical wall, whether through mockery or logic.
Time forcibly reminds me, that all things which have a limit must be brought to a conclusion. Let me, ere that conclusion arrives, recall to your recollection that the pillars which rise on either side of me, blooming in virid antiquity, 209 like two massy evergreens, had yet slumbered in their native quarry, but for the ardent exertions of the individual who called them into life: to his never-slumbering talents you are indebted for whatever pleasure this haunt of the Muses is calculated to afford. If, in defiance of chaotic malevolence, the destroyer of the temple of Diana yet survives in the name of Erostratus, surely we may confidently predict that the rebuilder of the temple of Apollo will stand recorded to distant posterity in that of—Samuel Whitbread.
Time forcefully reminds me that everything with a limit must eventually come to an end. Before that end arrives, let me remind you that the pillars standing on either side of me, flourishing in vibrant history, 209 like two sturdy evergreens, had remained dormant in their original quarry if it weren't for the passionate efforts of the person who brought them to life: you owe your enjoyment of this place of the Muses to his tireless talents. If, in spite of chaotic malice, the destroyer of the temple of Diana still survives in the name of Erostratus, we can confidently assume that the restorer of the temple of Apollo will be remembered by future generations as — Samuel Whitbread.
From The Rejected Addresses, by James and Horace Smith. London, 1812.
From The Rejected Addresses, by James and Horace Smith. London, 1812.
There is a Prefatory Paper, in the style of Dr. Johnson, in “Posthumous Parodies,” published by John Miller, London, 1814, but it is greatly inferior to that contained in “Rejected Addresses.”
There is a Prefatory Paper, in the style of Dr. Johnson, in “Posthumous Parodies,” published by John Miller, London, 1814, but it is much worse than the one found in “Rejected Addresses.”
On Bookbinders.
On Bookbinders.
(After Rasselas.)
After Rasselas.
Ye who listen with credulity to the whispers of noodles, and pursue with eagerness the phantom “collection,” who believe that binder’s promises are—binding, and that an inch of margin to-day matters not on the morrow, attend to the wisdom of Bonnardot, Prince of Book-Restorers. “The greatest merit of a rare book is indisputably a margin uncut, or at least, little and regularly cut in every way.” No hesitating words these; no room for doubt here. An uncut margin is the greatest merit a rare book can possess, and it is a merit which has a well ascertained commercial value. An eighth of an inch more or less of margin often makes a difference in value of hundreds of dollars. Now let the botcher-binder cut and slash as you will.
You who easily believe the whispers about books, and eagerly chase the imaginary “collection,” who think that a binder’s promises are trustworthy, and that an inch of margin today won’t matter tomorrow, pay attention to the wisdom of Bonnardot, Prince of Book-Restorers. “The greatest value of a rare book is definitely an uncut margin, or at least, a margin that's been cut minimally and evenly.” There’s no room for doubt here. An uncut margin is the most valuable feature a rare book can have, and it has a well-established monetary worth. Just a tiny bit more or less of margin can change the value by hundreds of dollars. So let the careless binder cut and tear as they please.
Anonymous.
Anonymous.
Anonymous Journalism.
Anonymous News Reporting.
(From an unpublished Essay by Dr. Johnson.)
(From an unpublished essay by Dr. Johnson.)
He that asserts the annexation of a correct cognomen to each production to be imperative upon every author, either strays from veracity for the sake of disseminating falsehood, or circulates error through the possession of congenital imbecility. Let it not be surmised that this declaration is expressed through sensitive timidity or supported by vacuous generalizations, for a further perusal will speedily discover a clinching dialectic. The individual that appends his hereditary appellation to a composition of transcendant ability, does but seek to enervate his intellect by encomiastic excess, and whilst he panders to his ambition, exaggerates his energies. Such a course indeed, is too ephemeral for the attainment by an author of immortality, because too invidious for the approbation of his colleagues. Of the many who consider their cerebral progeny worthy of attentive investigation, but few have the right to predicate correctness of their hopeful conviction; and he that inscribes his signature on a piece of somniferous fatuity, involves his relatives in unmerited obloquy, whilst he exposes himself to dedecorating derision. Amid the multitude of periodical productions it is but reasonable that some should be devoted to the analysis of individual idiosyncracies, and the maxims previously unfolded may to these be pertinently applied.
Anyone who claims that every author must attach a proper name to each work either strays from the truth to spread falsehoods or spreads errors due to natural stupidity. Don't assume that this statement comes from a place of weak sensitivity or empty generalizations, as a closer look will quickly reveal a strong argument. A person who adds their family name to a piece of exceptional work only undermines their own intellect with excessive flattery, and while they cater to their ambition, they inflate their efforts. This approach is too temporary for an author to gain lasting fame, because it is too resentful for the approval of their peers. Among the many who believe their intellectual offspring deserve careful consideration, only a few have the right to claim their beliefs are correct; and someone who puts their name on a dull piece of nonsense drags their family into undeserved shame while exposing themselves to humiliating mockery. Among the wide array of published works, it makes sense that some should focus on analyzing individual quirks, and the principles previously mentioned may be relevant to these.
An anonymous panegyric by an unknown friend is more acceptable than the cringing adulation of a patent parasite, whilst unsigned reproofs are more meritorious than personal vituperations.
An anonymous praise from an unknown friend is more acceptable than the sycophantic flattery of a blatant freeloader, while unsigned criticism is more commendable than personal insults.
He that panders to an inflamed irascibility by affording it an opportunity of illicit flagellation, does but incite an infuriated man to rebel against the legal institutions of his country.
A person who caters to someone's angry outbursts by allowing them a chance for improper punishment only pushes an enraged individual to fight against the legal systems of their country.
To the contemptible criticisms of those whose opinions are in contrariety with the superscribed, we merely reply, that, whilst the procrastination of judgment is essential to the perfectibility of Truth, their future ratiocinations will still be treated with dignified derision by their magnanimous admonishers.
To the ridiculous criticisms of those whose opinions are contrary to what has been stated, we simply respond that, while delaying judgment is important for the pursuit of Truth, their future reasoning will still be met with respectful laughter by their generous advisors.
From The Shotover Papers, Oxford, 1874.
From The Shotover Papers, Oxford, 1874.
“Lexiphanes, a Dialogue, imitated from Lucian, and suited to the present times,” (1767), was a malicious piece of drollery directed against Dr. Johnson; this has been attributed to Sir John Hawkins, the real author, however, was Archibald Campbell, the Purser of a Man-of-War.
“Lexiphanes, a Dialogue, imitated from Lucian, and suited to the present times,” (1767), was a satirical work aimed at Dr. Johnson; it has been attributed to Sir John Hawkins, but the true author was Archibald Campbell, the Purser of a Man-of-War.
A continuation of Rasselas, entitled Dinarbas, was published in 1793, it had little merit.
A follow-up to Rasselas, called Dinarbas, was published in 1793, but it had little value.
Rev. LAURENCE STERNE.
Born 1713. Died March, 18, 1768.
Born 1713. Died March 18, 1768.
A Sentimental Journey.
A Sentimental Journey.
By a Sterne Shade.
By a Sterne Shade.
CHAPTER I.
CHAPTER 1.
“I’ll be hanged if I do!”
“I’d rather be hanged than do that!”
I was standing at the verge of the pavement at the bottom of Ludgate-hill, with one foot on the kerb and the other in the kennel.
I was standing at the edge of the sidewalk at the bottom of Ludgate Hill, with one foot on the curb and the other in the gutter.
’Tis an attitude of irresolution and uncertainty, and throws a man off his level. And when a man is thrown off his level there’s no telling what may be the end of it. I took my foot out of the kennel, and as I set it down beside its companion on the granite I repeated my exclamation—
It’s an attitude of indecision and doubt, and it throws a person off balance. And when someone is thrown off balance, who knows what the outcome might be? I pulled my foot out of the kennel, and as I set it down next to its companion on the granite, I repeated my wow—
“I’ll be hanged if I do!”
“I’ll be hanged if I do!”
Now, ’tis an undertaking no man in the possession of his senses would make if he was not quite sure of avoiding the penalty. There are many inconveniences connected with being hanged, which would incline us to hesitate. A man of sentiment and refinement would shrink from it. The idea of engrossing the attention of so many people, from the Sheriff and the Ordinary down to the most ragged beggar in the crowd, is a shock to delicacy.
Now, it's a task no person in their right mind would attempt unless they were completely confident they could avoid the consequences. There are plenty of drawbacks to being hanged that would make us think twice. A person with sensitivity and taste would recoil from it. The thought of capturing the attention of so many people, from the Sheriff and the judge to the most tattered beggar in the crowd, is a jolt to one's sensibilities.
Besides, hanging entails early rising, and early rising is bad. Oh! great Sun! for what dost thou quit thy roseate couch at so unearthly an hour, but to air the world for us poor mortals?
Besides, hanging out means getting up early, and waking up early is not good. Oh! great Sun! why do you leave your beautiful bed at such an unnatural hour, if not to brighten the world for us poor humans?
Whip me the man who would rise before eleven, if he could help it. If he couldn’t—well, ’tis different, and there’s an end on’t.
Whip me the guy who would get up before eleven, if he could avoid it. If he couldn't—well, that's different, and that's that.
But early rising is a thing I never cared for or practised; and indeed I can think of no worse way of beginning a day than getting up at eight to be hanged.
But getting up early is something I never liked or did; and honestly, I can't think of a worse way to start the day than waking up at eight to be hanged.
And this brings me back to my first proposition. “I’ll be hanged if I do!” said I.
And this brings me back to my first point. “There’s no way I’m doing that!” I said.
As I uttered the words I brought down my cane with a smart rap on the stones—for if the intention and the deed 210 be the same thing, as learned legists tell us, it was on the stones that I brought it down. But between the deed and the intention a plaguy fellow must needs thrust the foot on which he wore his largest and tenderest corn.
As I said the words, I slammed my cane down hard on the stones—because if intention and action are the same thing, as learned lawyers tell us, then it was on the stones that I struck it. But between the action and the intention, a bothersome guy had to step on the foot where his biggest and most sensitive corn was.
Mine is a sensitive heart, and of a truth tenderness is a failing that is always leading me into difficulties.
Mine is a sensitive heart, and honestly, being tender is a weakness that constantly gets me into trouble.
I could not support the sight of his anguish; and as soon as he found the use of his voice—which was pretty soon—I thought it best to move away.
I couldn't bear to see his pain; and as soon as he discovered he could speak—which was pretty soon—I figured it would be better to leave.
CHAPTER II.
CHAPTER 2.
I had not gone many steps ere I fell in with a donkey. Now an ass is an animal I can never pass without giving him the time of day. There is a gentle patience with which he listens to my discourses that wins my heart in spite of myself.
I hadn't taken many steps before I ran into a donkey. Now, I can never walk past a donkey without acknowledging it. There's a quiet patience with which it listens to my ramblings that just wins me over, even against my better judgment.
He was harnessed to a sort of barrow, laden with mackerel, and he was standing in Farringdon-street to allow the stream of traffic to pass up Ludgate-hill.
He was hitched to a kind of cart, loaded with mackerel, and he was standing in Farringdon Street to let the flow of traffic move up Ludgate Hill.
“’Tis ever so, Honesty!” said I; “thou and I must e’en wait to let our betters go by. See how yon ‘Bow and Stratford’ rolls by—mark that Pickford’s van—and thou’rt obliged to wait with thy fish, though they be perishable goods at best.”
“It's always like this, Honesty!” I said; “you and I have to wait for those who are above us. Look how that ‘Bow and Stratford’ goes by—check out that Pickford’s truck—and we have to wait with your fish, even though they're perishable goods at best.”
As I said this I had taken up one of the mackerel, and was moralizing over it.
As I said this, I had picked up one of the mackerel and was reflecting on it.
“Come, I say, jest drop that ’ere?” said a voice. I looked up. It was Jack’s master. “And this is thy tyrant, then!” I thought to myself. “Thine must be a hard lot, with one so suspicious of his kind—so devoid of sentiment.” But I said nothing, and replaced the fish.
“Come on, I say, just drop that!” said a voice. I looked up. It was Jack’s boss. “So this is your tyrant, then!” I thought to myself. “You must have a tough life, having someone so suspicious of others—so lacking in feelings.” But I didn’t say anything and put the fish back.
Just at this moment the tide of traffic was broken for an instant, and the ass’s master hastened to take advantage of it. “Kim up!” said he to Jack; and before the poor animal could obey him, he seized him by the head and dragged him along, dealing him at the same time a score of heavy blows with a thick stick that he carried in his right hand.
Just then, the flow of traffic stopped for a moment, and the donkey's owner rushed to take advantage of it. “Get up!” he shouted to Jack; and before the poor animal could respond, he grabbed him by the head and pulled him along, while at the same time hitting him hard multiple times with a thick stick he held in his right hand.
I could have found it in my heart to have given the rascal a sound drubbing for his pains. But I refrained. I protest I am too soft-hearted. I feared I might by chance hurt him, or he me.
I could have brought myself to give the little troublemaker a good beating for his trouble. But I held back. I swear I’m too soft-hearted. I was afraid I might accidentally hurt him, or he might hurt me.
“Farewell, Honesty!” said I, as Jack shambled off with his load. And then I knew not what tender emotion stirred me, but I felt a tear trickling down my cheek. “Farewell, Honesty!” said I again, as I put my hand into my pocket for my kerchief.
“Goodbye, Honesty!” I said, as Jack stumbled away with his load. And then I couldn’t quite understand what gentle feeling moved me, but I felt a tear rolling down my cheek. “Goodbye, Honesty!” I said again, as I reached into my pocket for my handkerchief.
It was gone!——
It disappeared!——
CHAPTER III.
Chapter III.
I have come to the conclusion that ’tis not the best way to get through a story to begin at the end.
I’ve realized that it’s not the best way to tell a story by starting at the end.
’Tis an unprofitable way at best, and tends to lead one into digressions.
It’s a pointless way at best, and tends to lead one into side topics.
Now, digressions will be the ruin of me in this world and the next. I shall be so beset with digressions I shall never reach my destination.
Now, distractions will be the downfall for me in this life and the next. I’ll be so overwhelmed by side notes that I’ll never get to my destination.
’Tis a very butterfly-like temptation. Here was I set down to write you out my journey, and I’ve not got three steps from the bottom of Ludgate-hill.
It’s a really butterfly-like temptation. Here I am, ready to write you about my journey, and I haven’t even gotten three steps from the bottom of Ludgate Hill.
And this because of my fatal failing for digression. I had proposed to write a chapter on Pickford’s vans, and another on Public Executions; but here’s the end of my letter, and I am still standing with one foot on the kerbstone and the other in the kennel.
And this is due to my unfortunate tendency to go off on tangents. I had planned to write a chapter on Pickford’s vans and another on Public Executions; but here’s the end of my letter, and I’m still half in and half out, one foot on the curb and the other in the gutter.
* * * * *
Understood. Please provide the text for modernization.
As I was writing that last sentence, I felt I could bear it no longer. It had rung in my ears all day. I had looked out of windows, and out of doors, and upstairs, and downstairs, but I could not discover whence it came.
As I was writing that last sentence, I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. It had been echoing in my ears all day. I had looked out of windows, and out of doors, and upstairs, and downstairs, but I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.
“I can’t get on! I can’t get on!”
“I can’t get on! I can’t get on!”
’Twas a little plaintive voice like a child’s.
It was a soft, sad voice like a child's.
“I can’t get on!” This time I traced it to its source. ’Twas nothing but a little squirrel in a revolving cage. As he ran, so his prison turned, and he still kept crying, “I can’t get on!”
“I can’t get on!” This time I found out where it was coming from. It was just a little squirrel in a spinning cage. As he ran, his cage kept turning, and he kept saying, “I can’t get on!”
Oh! great principle of Liberty! was I wrong to make the instant determination to set that poor little captive free? My heart assures me I was not. I fumbled at the wire-fastening. It resisted my efforts; but the squirrel bit my fingers all the same.
Oh! great principle of Liberty! Was I wrong to immediately decide to set that poor little captive free? My heart tells me I wasn’t. I struggled with the wire fastening. It resisted my efforts, but the squirrel bit my fingers anyway.
* * * * *
Understood. Please provide the text for modernization.
Another digression. But it shall be the last. I have sworn it, and so there’s an end of the matter. And ’tis no much matter either, for after all ’tis no more than this:—
Another digression. But it will be the last. I’ve promised that, so that’s the end of it. And it’s not that important anyway, because after all it’s just this:—
As I stood on the pavement at the bottom of Ludgate-hill, with one foot on the kerb and the other in the kennel, I suddenly remembered that it was Lord Mayors Day.
As I stood on the sidewalk at the bottom of Ludgate Hill, with one foot on the curb and the other in the drain, I suddenly remembered that it was Lord Mayor's Day.
“Shall I go and see the show?” said I to myself. And myself answered—
“Should I go see the show?” I asked myself. And myself answered—
“I’ll be hanged if I do!” And I didn’t.
“I’ll be damned if I do!” And I didn’t.
Anonymous.
Anonymous.
AFFECTING APPEAL.
Impactful appeal.
Linton, a musician belonging to the orchestra of Covent Garden Theatre, was murdered by street robbers, who were afterwards discovered and executed. A play was given for the benefit of his widow and children; and the day preceding the performance the following appeared in one of the public prints.
Linton, a musician from the orchestra of Covent Garden Theatre, was killed by street robbers, who were later caught and executed. A play was held to help support his widow and children; and the day before the performance, the following was published in one of the newspapers.
“Theatre Royal, Covent Garden.
"Theatre Royal, Covent Garden."
“For the Benefit of Mrs. Linton, &c.”
“For the Benefit of Mrs. Linton, &c.”
“The Widow,” said Charity, whispering me in the ear. “must have your mite; wait upon her with a guinea, and purchase a box-ticket.”
“The Widow,” Charity whispered to me in my ear. “must have your donation; go give her a guinea and buy a box ticket.”
“You may have one for five shillings,” observed Avarice, pulling me by the elbow.
“You can have one for five shillings,” said Avarice, tugging at my elbow.
My hand was in my pocket, and the guinea, which was between my finger and thumb, slipped out.
My hand was in my pocket, and the coin, which was between my finger and thumb, slipped out.
“Yes,” said I, “she shall have my five shillings,”
“Yes,” I said, “she will get my five shillings,”
“Good heaven!” exclaimed Justice, “what are you about! Five shillings? If you pay but five shillings for going into the Theatre, then you get value received for your money.”
“Good heavens!” exclaimed Justice, “what are you doing! Five shillings? If you only pay five shillings to go to the Theatre, then you’re getting your money’s worth.”
“And I shall owe him no thanks,” added Charity, laying her hand upon my heart, and leading me on the way to the Widow’s house.
“And I won’t owe him any thanks,” added Charity, placing her hand on my heart and guiding me towards the Widow’s house.
Taking the knocker in my left hand, my whole frame trembled. Looking round, I saw Avarice turn the corner of the street, and I found all the money in my pocket grasped in my hand.
Taking the knocker in my left hand, my whole body shook. Looking around, I saw Avarice turn the corner of the street, and I realized that all the money in my pocket was clutched tightly in my hand.
“Is your mother at home, my dear?” said I, to a child who conducted me into a parlour.
“Is your mom home, sweetie?” I asked a child who led me into a living room.
“Yes,” answered the infant; “but my father has not been at home for a great while; that is his harpsichord, and that is his violin.—He used to play on them for me.”
“Yes,” replied the baby; “but my dad hasn’t been home for a long time; that’s his harpsichord, and that’s his violin.—He used to play those for me.”
“Shall I play you a tune, my boy?” said I.
“Should I play you a song, my boy?” I said.
“No, sir,” answered the boy, “My mother will not let them be touched; for since my father went abroad, music makes her cry, and then we all cry.”
“No, sir,” the boy replied, “My mom won’t let anyone touch them; ever since my dad left for overseas, music makes her cry, and then we all end up crying.”
“I hear my mother on the stairs,” said the boy.
“I can hear my mom on the stairs,” said the boy.
I shook him by the hand—“Give her this, my lad,” said I, and left the house.—It rained—I called a coach—drove to a coffee-house, but not having a farthing in my pocket, borrowed a shilling at the bar.
I shook his hand—“Give her this, my friend,” I said, and left the house.—It was raining—I called a cab—I went to a coffee shop, but since I didn’t have a penny to my name, I borrowed a shilling at the bar.
The Citizen.
The Citizen.
I took a fat citizen, and having first shut him up in his little sitting-room, I proceeded to take his picture. I beheld his body gorged with long gratification and confinement to the house, and I felt what kind of sickness of the stomach it is that arises from having eaten too much. On looking nearer, I beheld him bloated and feverish. In sixty years the country breeze had not once fanned his blood, and he had seen the sun and moon but indistinctly in all that time. He was seated, or rather buried in a large arm-chair, which stood in front of the fire-place, and which might have served either for a chair or a bed. A bundle of promissory notes lay on the table, scrawled all over, the fruits of the dark and dismal days and nights he had spent there. He had one of these small slips of paper in his hand, and with a pen he was etching his own signature and the day of the month, to add it to the heap. As I darkened the little light he had, he lifted up an eye, swimming in fat, towards the door, bent his head forward earnestly to listen, and then went on with his work of delight.
I took a hefty man and, after locking him in his small sitting room, I started to take his picture. I saw his body swollen from too much indulgence and being stuck at home, and I understood the kind of upset stomach that comes from overeating. Looking closer, I noticed he was puffy and feverish. In sixty years, the fresh country air hadn’t touched his blood even once, and he had only vaguely seen the sun and moon during that time. He was sitting, or rather sunk, in a large armchair in front of the fireplace, which could have served as either a chair or a bed. A pile of promissory notes cluttered the table, covered in writing, the results of the bleak days and nights he had spent there. He held one of those small slips of paper in his hand and was adding his signature and the date with a pen to the stack. As I dimmed the little light he had, he lifted a bleary eye towards the door, leaned forward to listen intently, and then resumed his task with satisfaction.
I heard the rubbing of his hands when he had with difficulty turned his body round to place the note on the bundle—he gave a sigh of joy. I saw the ecstasy that entered into his soul—I burst into a laugh—I could not contain myself at the picture which my fancy had drawn.
I heard the sound of his hands rubbing together as he struggled to turn his body to place the note on the bundle—he let out a sigh of joy. I could see the ecstasy that filled his soul—I burst out laughing—I couldn't hold back at the image my imagination had created.
Togatus.
Togatus.
From The Gownsman, Cambridge, 1830.
From The Gownsman, Cambridge, 1830.
Fragments in the Manner of Sterne, by Isaac Brandon. Published in 1797, with fine plates, by Kirk, contained the following chapters:—Address to the Shade of Yorick—War—Prosperity—and Humanity—A Shandean Minister—Justice—Necessity—Anna and an “Apostrophe to the Genius of Yorick Redivivus.”
Fragments in the Manner of Sterne, by Isaac Brandon. Published in 1797, with beautiful illustrations, by Kirk, included the following chapters:—Address to the Shade of Yorick—War—Prosperity—and Humanity—A Shandean Minister—Justice—Necessity—Anna and an “Apostrophe to the Genius of Yorick Redivivus.”
A second edition was published in 1798, with some additional matter.
A second edition was published in 1798, with some extra content.
The Rambles of Mr. Frankly, published by his Sister, 1772, was written in imitation of Sterne’s Sentimental Journey.
The Rambles of Mr. Frankly, published by his Sister, 1772, was written to mimic Sterne’s Sentimental Journey.
A Sentimental Journey (intended as a sequel to Mr. Sterne’s) through Italy, Switzerland, and France. By Mr. Shandy. 2 vols. 1793.
A Sentimental Journey (meant as a follow-up to Mr. Sterne's) through Italy, Switzerland, and France. By Mr. Shandy. 2 vols. 1793.
Yorick’s Sentimental Journey, continued.
Yorick’s Sentimental Journey, continued.
The Sentimental Journey, a continuation by Eugenius.
The Sentimental Journey, a follow-up by Eugenius.
Maria, or a Shandean journey of a young Lady through Flanders and France, in 1822, by my Uncle Oddy. 1823.
Maria, or a Shandean journey of a young lady through Flanders and France, in 1822, by my Uncle Oddy. 1823.
These are the titles of a few only of the principal imitations of Sterne, in which his maudlin sentiment is easily burlesqued, but in which little of his wit can be found.
These are the titles of just a few of the main imitations of Sterne, where his overly sentimental style can be easily mocked, but where little of his humor can be found.
THOMAS CARLYLE.
Born Dec. 4, 1795. Died Feb. 5, 1881.
Born Dec. 4, 1795. Died Feb. 5, 1881.
A Latter-day Fragment, 1851.
A Modern Fragment, 1851.
(Carlyle on Bloomerism.)
Carlyle on Bloomerism.
“A mad world this, my friends, a World in its lunes, petty and other; in lunes other than petty now for sometime; in petty lunes, pettilettes or pantalettes, about these six weeks, ever since when this rampant androgynous Bloomerism first came over from Yankee land. A sort of shemale dress you call Bloomerism; a fashion of Sister Jonathan’s.
“A crazy world this, my friends, a world in its craziness, minor and otherwise; in minor craziness, and not just minor for a while now; in minor craziness, little things or pants, for about six weeks now, ever since this rampant androgynous Bloomerism first came over from Yankee land. A kind of gender-bending outfit you call Bloomerism; a fashion from Sister Jonathan’s.
Trowsers tight at ankles, and for most part frilled; tunic descending with some degree of brevity, perhaps to knees, ascending to throat and open at chemisette front, or buttoned there; collar down-turned over neckerchief; and crowning all, broad brimmed hat; said garments generally feathered, trimmed, ribboned, variegated, according to the fancies and the vanities: these, chiefly, are the outward differences between Bloomer dress and customary feminine Old Clothes. Not much unlike nursery-uniforms, you think this description of costume, but rather considerably like it, I compute. Invisible are the merits of the Bloomer dress, such as it has. A praiseworthy point in Bloomerism the emancipation of the ribs; an exceeding good riddance, the deliverance from corset, trammelling genteel thorax with springs of steel and whalebone, screwing in waist to Death’s hour glass contraction, and squeezing lungs, liver, and midriff into unutterable cram. Commendable, too, the renouncement of sous-jupe bouffante, or ineffable wadding, invented, I suppose, by some Hottentot to improve female contour after the type of Venus, his fatherland’s, and not Cythera’s. Wholesome, moreover, and convenient, the abbreviation of trains, serving in customary female old clothes the purpose of besom, and no other: real improvements, doubtless, these abandonments of ruinous shams, ridiculous unveracities, and idolatries of indescribable mud-Pythons.… Disputes about surplices in pulpit, and also elsewhere, give place to controversies in theatres and lecture-halls concerning petty lunes and frilled trowsers; paraphernalia, however, not less important than canonicals, as I judge for one.… But here are we, my friends in this mad world, amid the hallooings and bawlings, and guffaws, and imbecile simperings, and titterings, blinded by the November smoke fog of coxcombries and vanities, stunted by the perpetual hallelujahs of flunkeys, beset by maniacs and simpletons in the great lunes and the petty lunes; here, I say, do we, with Bloomerism beneath us bubbling uppermost, stand, hopelessly upturning our eyes for the daylight of heaven, upon the brink of a vexed unfathomable gulf of apehood and asshood simmering for ever.”
Trousers tight at the ankles, often frilled; a tunic that’s short, maybe reaching the knees, rising to the throat and either open at the front or buttoned there; a collar folded down over a neckerchief; and at the top, a broad-brimmed hat. These garments are usually decorated with feathers, trims, ribbons, and a variety of colors based on personal style and vanity: this is mainly how Bloomer dress differs from traditional women's old clothes. You might think this description of the outfit resembles nursery uniforms, and I’d agree, it’s quite similar. The advantages of the Bloomer dress are less visible, but they exist. One great aspect of Bloomerism is the liberation of the ribs; it’s a relief not to be stuck in a corset that constricts the torso with steel and whalebone, squeezing the waist and compressing the lungs, liver, and stomach into unbearable discomfort. It’s also commendable to give up those poufy underskirts, or ridiculous padding, likely created by someone in a far-off land to enhance the female shape in the style of Venus, not from Cythera. The shortened trains are healthy and practical—they serve only to sweep the floor in traditional women’s clothing, nothing more: these changes are real improvements, a rejection of harmful deceptions, absurd falsehoods, and ridiculous idolatries. Disputes about religious garments in the pulpit, and in other settings, have shifted to debates in theaters and lecture halls about frilly trousers and minor details; these are not less significant than church vestments, as I see it. But here we are, my friends, in this crazy world, surrounded by shouts, laughter, and foolish giggles, blinded by the November fog of arrogance and vanity, hampered by the constant praises of sycophants, and surrounded by maniacs and fools in both major and minor issues; here we stand, with Bloomerism bubbling up beneath us, hopelessly looking up for heaven's light, on the edge of a deep, troubled chasm of foolishness that simmers on forever.
Anonymous.
Anonymous.
The Tichborne Trial.
The Tichborne Case.
By Thomas Carr Lisle.
By Thomas Carr Lisle.
The Tichborne Trial is ended! Yea, my brother and other things are ended of which that is but a type, Looming Portentous; verily, a sort of Fire-balloon of paper, or of papers rather, Standard, Telegraph, and what not.
The Tichborne Trial is over! Yes, my brother and other things are over, which is just a symbol of that. It looms large; truly, it's like a giant paper balloon, or rather, a bunch of papers, like the Standard, Telegraph, and others.
Men say “The truth is out at last.” The Truth out! my poor brothers-nay, was the Truth ever in. Surely there was no Truth, rather other than that.
Men say, “The truth is finally out.” The truth is out! My poor brothers—was there ever any truth to begin with? Surely there was no truth, only this other thing.
And yet doth it not mean something, think you, this Tichborne 212 Trial, its Solicitor-Generals, Tichborne bonds, and legal Inanities? Says it not “Is there Truth in the land, O Israel?” “What is Truth?” said jesting Pilate, or rather where is it? Cry the question into the bottomless Inane of this our world, and what answer? Nothing but an inarticulate response of Tichborne bonds, Solicitor-Generals, and such.
And yet doesn’t it mean something, don’t you think, this Tichborne 212 Trial, its Solicitor-Generals, Tichborne bonds, and legal nonsense? Doesn’t it ask, “Is there Truth in the land, O Israel?” “What is Truth?” said joking Pilate, or rather where is it? Shout the question into the endless void of our world, and what answer comes back? Nothing but an unclear response of Tichborne bonds, Solicitor-Generals, and stuff like that.
Yea, they mean something, these Solicitor-Generals and Tichborne bonds:—a Partridge-shooting, Salmon-preserving, Dilettante Aristocracy have said so much, have said so with lifting of hands and Reverence—we fear somewhat of the Rotatory Calabash kind. They mean this much, which is perhaps somewhat other than Double-barrelled Dilettantisms would have them mean. They mean this much. This England of ours believes no longer in Truth, believes rather in a kind of Sham Truth, a stucco business, much to be lamented; at least, by all such as hold their soul for a purpose other than to save salt, to keep them from Rottenness, Stinking, and utter Unsavouryness. “They say unto us ‘make brick,’ and no straw is given unto thy servants.” So might cry our men of law, lacking Truth to work upon; but for straw they cry not, thinking to make brick without straw; and they make no brick, rather Falsity, Puffery, and Unnature.
Yeah, these Solicitor-Generals and Tichborne bonds actually mean something: a Partridge-shooting, Salmon-preserving, Dilettante Aristocracy has made it clear, showing us with raised hands and a sense of reverence—we're a bit worried it’s all just for show. They mean this much, which might actually be different from what the Double-barrelled Dilettantisms suggest. They mean this much. This England of ours no longer believes in Truth; instead, it believes in a sort of Sham Truth, a superficial facade, which is quite unfortunate for anyone who values their soul for something more meaningful than just preserving their own skin and avoiding decay, stench, and complete undesirable conditions. “They tell us to ‘make brick,’ yet no straw is given to your servants.” Our lawyers could complain about the lack of Truth to work with; but they don’t cry out for straw, thinking they can make bricks without it; and they end up creating no bricks, but rather Falsity, Puffery, and Unnaturalness.
O, great Roger! these matters of thine call with a tolerably audible voice of Proclamation, and a universal “oyez,” and we English Microcosms may know that it was verily meant in earnest that same Phenomenon, and had its reasons for appearing there—Just and Unjust cause—Dikaios and Adikos Logos—trying to settle or get themselves settled, incessantly protesting against each being the other, and with it may be another kind of Logos from the great Universe with silent continual Beckonings trying to revenge itself, revancher itself, make itself good again.
O, great Roger! Your matters announce themselves with a fairly loud voice of Proclamation, and a universal “oyez,” so we English Microcosms can understand that this Phenomenon was truly meant in earnest and had its reasons for showing up—Just and Unjust cause—Dikaios and Adikos Logos—persistently trying to settle or get themselves settled, constantly protesting against each other, and along with it may be another kind of Logos from the vast Universe, with silent, continuous beckonings attempting to avenge itself, revancher itself, and make things right again.
For does not the Universe hold an inarticulate Sympathy with Justice, yearning that meum be mine tuum thine. That meum be mine! There is surely something Respectable in that.
For doesn’t the Universe feel a silent connection with Justice, wishing that meum be mine and tuum be yours? That meum be mine! There’s definitely something admirable in that.
And what is the outcome, ask Practical men, of all this? What is the import of the matter to us who are not Rogers? Verily, my friends, this—that England is in a state of Chronic Atropos, hath made her a covering of Asses-ears, Midas-leavings, Sermons, parchment and what not, hoping to sleep through it in such caloric apparel in this Glass house of hers, knowing that glass is no conductor—to Heaven’s lightning at least.
And what do practical people want to know about all this? What does it mean for us who are not Rogers? Honestly, my friends, this—that England is in a constant state of crisis, which has left her with a disguise of foolishness, useless leftovers, sermons, papers, and other nonsense, hoping to get by in this warm outfit in her Glass house, thinking that glass is no conductor—at least not to Heaven’s lightning.
The Outcome of ninety-one days’ sittings, Red-tape Philosophies, Club-room jaw-clackings, and Infernal Babel of Telegraphs and Morning Stars is little other than—for Rogers Newgate and the Blackness of Darkness, for those who are not Rogers, discovery of Chronic Atropos in a Rampant state, wholly Insuppressible, Irrepressible, and Mad.
The result of ninety-one days of meetings, bureaucratic nonsense, clubroom chatter, and the chaotic noise of Telegraphs and Morning Stars is basically— for Rogers Newgate and the depths of despair, for those who aren't Rogers, the realization of Chronic Atropos in a wild and completely uncontrollable, uncontainable, and insane state.
After all, is not Insanity just what is the matter with this English Bull just now? Is there Sanity at all among us butchers, bakers and candlestick-makers, red tape dummies, black crape ludicrousnesses, Puseyisms, Benthamee Radicalisms, Church and Statisms, Dilettantisms, Mammonisms, double-barelled Aristocracies, and inane Chimæras generally? Literature is, perhaps, the Sanest thing we have just at present, at least tolerabler, impressibler, beneficenter than mere Chaos, articulate or inarticulate. Writers, at least, have a Meaning, must have a Meaning; state some Fact or Facts, or what they take for Fact or Facts, intelligibly, so that men may say “Thus thinks a Man, whether he think wrong or right.”
After all, isn’t Insanity exactly what’s wrong with this English Bull right now? Is there any Sanity at all among us butchers, bakers, and candlestick-makers, red tape robots, ridiculous black mourning, Puseyism, Benthamite Radicalism, the Church and State, Dilettantism, Mammonism, double-barreled Aristocracies, and generally silly Chimæras? Literature is probably the Sanest thing we have at the moment—at least more tolerable, more impactful, and more beneficial than plain Chaos, whether it’s expressed or not. Writers, at the very least, have a Meaning; they must have a Meaning. They present some Facts or what they believe to be Facts, clearly enough for people to say, “This is how a Man thinks, whether he’s right or wrong.”
And the Tichborne Trial was mad, utterly mad, with no Truth, hardly even Untruth in it, but Confusion and Roaring as of the Pit and Abyss of stupidity.
And the Tichborne Trial was insane, completely insane, with no Truth, barely even Untruth in it, just Confusion and a Yelling like the Pit and Abyss of stupidity.
Did the Insanity thereof dawn upon many, think you? One might have hoped so, have hoped that such had been the Outcome which Practical Men require. One might have hoped that the sense of the World, Judicial, Social, and Otherwise, would have got itself resuscitated from Asphyxia, or proved for ever irresuscitable. But, instead thereof, we have Times Subscription-list actually now present, and Impending Ominous Perjury-trials, fresh Chaotic Incongruities, diabolic Floppings and Caterwaulings hitherto thought moribund, scattering incalculable Contagion.
Did the insanity of it all occur to many, do you think? You might have hoped so, hoped that this was the Outcome that practical people needed. One could have wished for a revival of understanding in the world—judicial, social, and otherwise—coming back from the brink of suffocation, or proving to be permanently lost. But instead, here we are with the Times subscription list right in front of us, and looming ominous trials for perjury, fresh chaotic contradictions, devilish outbursts and wailing thought to be long gone, spreading untold contagion.
Thus clearly doth this Roger matter preach its lesson to mankind, teaching and preaching clearly as these Words writ down here the Unveracity of Demiurgurships, of Solicitor-Generals, and such Parchment Kings.
Thus clearly does this Roger matter preach its lesson to humanity, teaching and preaching clearly, as these words written down here reveal the falsehood of creators, of Solicitor Generals, and such Parchment Kings.
But, my friends, such things will not last, at least not longer than Doomsday in the afternoon. It is very notable, Demiurgurship of Judges, that loud Inane Actuality with justice in its pocket, which rolls along there with trumpeters blaring round it, and all the world escorting it as mute or vocal Flunkey—go thy way. Escort it not thou, my brother. Say unto it rather, “Loud blaring Nonentity, no force of wigs, spectacles, and trumpets can make thee an Entity. Thou art a Nonentity and deceptive Simulacrum.” Storm-clothed Caverns Cheese and Earwigs! French and Phrygians, Zero. Ba! Moo! Hee Haw! Hee Haw.
But, my friends, such things won't last, at least not longer than Doomsday in the afternoon. It's very notable, Demiurgurship of Judges, that loud empty reality with justice in its pocket, which rolls along there with trumpeters blaring around it, and the whole world following it as silent or vocal hangers-on—go your way. Don't follow it, my brother. Instead, say to it, “Loud blaring nothingness, no amount of wigs, glasses, and trumpets can make you something. You are a nonentity and a deceptive fake.” Storm-clothed Caves Cheese and Bugs! French and Phrygians, Zero. Ba! Moo! Hee Haw! Hee Haw.
From The Light Green, Cambridge, 1872.
From The Light Green, Cambridge, 1872.
The Editor of The World offered two prizes for compositions (in the style of Thomas Carlyle) describing Mr. Gladstone’s portrait by Millais, and on August 6, 1879, it published the two following parodies:—
The Editor of The World offered two prizes for essays (in the style of Thomas Carlyle) describing Mr. Gladstone’s portrait by Millais, and on August 6, 1879, it published the two following parodies:—
First Prize.
First Prize.
Turn we, therefore, from this jaunting, jostling, pestering Piccadilly into the Academy—whether really Royal this year I know not, or whether it be no more than the grandest Graphic we have had this many months, the most illustrious Illustrated of the year. Pause not to catch glamorous glancing glimpses of the besodden (with rain only, think you?) Season’s Beauties—drawn verily, each of them, by most Special Correspondents—but step sternly on, and stop face to face with this William—the People’s William, as the mob hath not dubiously dubbed him. Is it the Portrait merely or the Man himself that ye have come out for to see? Be you friend or foe to him, is there not in this counterfeit presentment of him—this wild, much-suffering, much-inflicting (not on trees only) man—something which almost attaches you? Is it not the attitude and face of a man who hath said to Cant, ‘Begone!’ to Dilettantism, ‘Here canst thou not be!’ and to Truth, ‘Be thou in place of all—ay, of ‘place’ itself to me!’—a man who hath manfully defied the ‘Time-Prince’ or Devil to his face, by all weapons, in all places, at all times? See you not, in the earnestly, sternly eagle-eyed look of him the ground of the enthusiasm,—The Schwärmerei,—for him? Contrast him not odiously, but in sober, sensible silence, with the dazzling Dizzy, the bright Beaconsfield. Which of them, both great, is really greatest? Which the grandest Thing and thoughtfullest we have done lately? Which will we send to the next Exhibition, Paris or otherwise? Which of them will we show for our Honour, with Peace or without it, amongst foreign nations, and for our Peace with Honour surely amongst ourselves? Which? Consider now, if they asked us, “Choose ye not this time, like ill-starred princess 213 ’twixt axe and crown,’ but twixt the man who sways the axe, and him who rejects (rightly doubtless) the crown; ’twixt the lopper of laurels, and the creator of crowns, Imperial and other, that fade.” Consider now, if they asked us, “Will you give up your William or your Benjamin,—not little truly, and just now your Ruler—O ye lost Tribes of Israel? Never have had any William, or never have had any Benjamin?” Consider now both of them, all of you, as Men of State, of Letters, ay, of Post-cards also if you will! Really it were a grave question. Official persons would doubtless answer in official language; but we, for our part, should not we also be forced to answer, ‘Benjamin or no Benjamin, we cannot do without William’? He is verily ours,—not with us here and there only, in Oriental mystery amongst us; but ours always,—Fortnightly, our own Contemporary (or a large part of it), our best Nineteenth Century Man.
Let's turn away from the busy, crowded Piccadilly and head into the Academy—I'm not sure if it's truly Royal this year or just the best Graphic we've seen in months, the most renowned Illustrated of the year. Don’t stop to catch flashy glimpses of the rain-soaked Season's Beauties—each drawn by different Special Correspondents—just move forward and confront this William—the People’s William, as the crowd has referred to him. Are you here to see just the portrait or the man himself? Whether you're his friend or his enemy, isn’t there something in this depiction of this wild, suffering, and sometimes inflicting (not just on trees) man that draws you in? Isn’t he a man who has told Pretense, ‘Get lost!’ to Dilettantism, ‘You don’t belong here!’ and to Truth, ‘You can take the place of everything—even “place” itself to me!’—a man who has boldly challenged the ‘Time-Prince’ or Devil face-to-face, using all means, everywhere, all the time? Don’t you see in his serious, piercing gaze the source of the enthusiasm—The Schwärmerei—for him? Compare him thoughtfully, not unfavorably, with the dazzling Dizzy, the bright Beaconsfield. Which of them, both great, is really the greatest? Which is the most significant thing and the most thoughtful action we've done lately? Which will we present at the next Exhibition, whether in Paris or elsewhere? Which of them will we showcase for our Honor, with Peace or without it, among other countries, and for our Peace with Honor surely among ourselves? Which one? Now, if they asked us, “Choose this time, not like the ill-fated princess 213 ’twixt axe and crown,’ but between the man who holds the axe and the one who rightly rejects the crown; between the one who cuts off laurels and the creator of crowns, both Imperial and otherwise, that eventually fade.” Now, if they asked us, “Will you give up your William or your Benjamin—not a small matter, especially now that he’s your Ruler—Oh you lost Tribes of Israel? Have you never had any William or any Benjamin?” Consider both of them, all of you, as Guys of State, of Letters, even of Postcards if you want! It would truly be a serious question. Official people would likely respond in formal language; but shouldn’t we, for our part, ultimately have to say, ‘Benjamin or no Benjamin, we can’t do without William’? He is undeniably ours—not just partially, wrapped in mystery among us; but ours always—Fortnightly, our very own Contemporary (or a big part of it), our best Nineteenth Century Man.
Conservative.
Traditional.
Second Prize.
Second Prize.
Here, O belated wayfarer, in thy weary march in search of the Beautiful, after painful journeying through a Realm of æsthetic Unrealities, pause! Thou art verily at last in presence of a Man. No mere clothes-bundle of humanity this, presented before thee, smirking, pomatumed, garnered from the Dustbin of the Ages—marvelling by what blundering Miracle of the Destinies he finds himself there. Wandering in this bewildering waste of ruined canvas, that by wise guidance might have evolved itself into practical Breeches for the Breechless in this howling naked world—this many-tinted appalling array of painted, but, alas, soulless Flesh—of bewigged Pomposity, of empty Dead-Sea faces with no Souls behind them, children of the Inane begotten in Vanity and brought forth in Vexation of Spirit, acres of æsthetic Upholstery, Sugar-loaf Confectionary, perpetuated Blockheadism, respectable Giggery, and other like phenomena,—all jumbled together, gibbeted in veneer and gold;—here, at last, I say, amid this motley throng, come we on a glimpse of the Ideal, a Giant among pigmies, a Man surrounded by Tailor-puppets, a human Soul gazing out from an earnest human face intent upon things other than mere cultivation of the Digestive faculty. Yea, look upon him! An earnest, passionate, restless, lean, but withal noble face. An eager eye, but pathetic in its eagerness, looking out compassionately on this sad oppressed world. Stern compressed lips, an undaunted brow, with a Stormy Force hidden under the calm exterior. Straight he looks into the Shams and Chicanery of our insincere Charlatan age,—the keen lightnings of his eye, and fierce thunderbolts of his tongue, cleaving, piercing, exploding the Windbags and inflated Bladders that in our noodle, jabbering, screech-owl Parliament try to pass themselves as Verities and Realities. O my brothers, look on this, a fragment of the Real flung by some miracle amid the Unreal, of the Invisible made Visible, embodying for us, and for those who come after us, a picture, a semblance, an apparition, a Verisimilitude of Greatness that will survive the cacklings and hissings and venom-squirting propensities of a purblind Age!
Here, O late traveler, in your weary journey searching for the Beautiful, after a painful trek through a realm of aesthetic illusions, pause! You are finally in the presence of a Man. This is no simple bundle of humanity standing before you, smirking, slicked with pomade, pulled from the dustbin of history—wondering how he ended up here. Wandering in this confusing expanse of ruined potential that, with wise guidance, could have turned into practical Breeches for the bare in this harsh, exposed world—this chaotic, colorful display of painted but, unfortunately, soulless flesh—of bewigged pomp, of empty faces with no souls behind them, children of nonsense born from vanity and raised in spiritual frustration, swathes of aesthetic upholstery, overly sweet confections, enduring foolishness, respectable Giggery, and similar oddities—all mixed together, hanging on by a veneer of shine and gold;—here, at last, I say, amidst this motley crowd, we catch a glimpse of the Ideal, a Giant among dwarfs, a Man surrounded by tailor-made puppets, a human Soul gazing out from an earnest human face focused on things beyond just the trivialities of digestion. Yes, look at him! An earnest, passionate, restless, lean, yet noble face. An eager eye, but sadly full of compassion, looking out at this troubled, oppressed world. Stern lips held tight, an unyielding brow, with stormy energy hidden beneath a calm exterior. He looks straight into the pretenses and deceit of our insincere charlatan age—the sharp light of his gaze and the fierce power of his words cutting through, penetrating, exploding the empty arguments and inflated egos trying to pass off as truths and realities in our argumentative, squawking parliament. O my brothers, behold this: a piece of the Real cast by some miracle into the Unreal, of the Invisible made Visible, embodying for us and for those who come after us, a picture, a likeness, a vision, a Verisimilitude of Greatness that will endure beyond the clamor, hissing, and venomous attitudes of a shortsighted Age!
TEUFELSDRÖCKH JUNIOR.
Teufelsdröckh Junior.
On March 5th, 1882, The Weekly Dispatch published the result of a Prize competition for parodies on Carlyle’s style. Four imitations were printed, but the prize was awarded to the following:
On March 5th, 1882, The Weekly Dispatch published the results of a competition for parodies of Carlyle’s style. Four imitations were printed, but the prize went to the following:
On the Parliamentary “Closure.”
On the Parliamentary "Closure."
Business in these latter days the national palaver has mostly ceased to do; talk in every variety, perorations, objurations clamorously vehement have inundated the poor palaver, well-nigh swamping what of sense and work remained to it. Strange have been the sights of late, honourable members struggling all day, all night, stormful, impetuously rampant, found still by saffron Phœbus motioning, dividing, weary, and reckless of everything, wishful only to make an end. Sacred truly are the rights of minorities, sacred too are other rights, for one the right to work and to progress; but this right of the not honourable member, shameless, unreasonable, treasonable to drone, and adjourn, and divide, senselessly and hopelessly seems not sacred; not to me, nor to the Eternal Reason. For from of old was it not given to the strong to rule, and rule well, at peril of their souls; and is not strength with the many and not the few, shriek and expostulate though they may, passionate, hysterical, futile—now to be overborne by the “evident sense of the majority” arresting the inane jabberings with true Puritan earnestness and vigour, rejoiced in by the Empyreans, enemies of froth and the Pit. The sense of the majority cannot too often be “evident.”
Business nowadays has mostly stopped functioning; discussions of all kinds, grand speeches, and loud outbursts have overwhelmed this poor dialogue, nearly drowning out whatever sense and productivity were left. It's been strange to witness lately, with honorable members battling all day and night, restless and unstoppable, found still under the golden sun, motioning, dividing, tired, and indifferent to everything, just wanting it all to end. The rights of minorities are indeed sacred, and so are other rights, like the right to work and grow. However, the right of the dishonorable member, shamelessly and unreasonably to drone on, postpone, and divide without sense or hope, doesn’t seem sacred to me, nor to the Eternal Reason. For isn’t it true that the strong were meant to rule well, under the threat of their own souls? Isn’t strength with the many and not the few, no matter how much they scream and protest, passionate, hysterical, and fruitless—now supposed to be overcome by the “obvious sense of the majority” stopping the meaningless chatter with genuine Puritan seriousness and energy, celebrated by the heavens, foes of nonsense and chaos? The sense of the majority can't be too often “obvious.”
J. W. Hale.
J. W. Hale.
People of the Present.
Present-Day People.
Omitted from Carlyle’s “Reminiscences.”
Omitted from Carlyle's "Reminiscences."
BROWN, THE POET.
BROWN, THE POET.
Went last night in wet, bad weather to Dash’s to meet Brown. A lean, long, clothes-prop of a man, with a bilious complexion-spectral, hideous, discordant, almost infernal. Much common-coloured hair streaming over narrow shoulders. Asked leave to present me with his new volume of poems, the result being that I got to talking in the Annandale accent, and communicated large masses of my views on weak verse to all within hearing. Tuneful Brown shaken as with a passing earthquake. A very questionable impression of myself left in that quarter, I imagine.
Went last night in wet, bad weather to Dash’s to meet Brown. He’s a tall, skinny guy, almost like a clothes hanger, with a sickly yellowish complexion—ghostly, ugly, jarring, almost hellish. He had a lot of dull-colored hair spilling over his narrow shoulders. He asked if he could give me his new book of poems, which led me to slip into the Annandale accent and share my thoughts on bad poetry with anyone who could hear. Tuneful Brown looked like he was shaken by a minor earthquake. I imagine I left a pretty questionable impression of myself in that circle.
ROBINSON, THE PAINTER.
Robinson, the Artist.
In the evening an Oscarian rout. Dauber Robinson was the only novelty, for I have never noticed him before—a man with huge bush of beard, spectacled, staring, owlish. For the rest, a podgy man with loose mouth (spout mouth), cock nose, and shallowest brow. A sandy, barren character, dissonant speaking, dogmatic, trivial, with a singular exasperation on a question of perspective. Let him go on spoiling good canvas with his pictures—save the mark!—in the name of Beelzebub, the God of Ekron, who seems to be his god: but don’t let him flatter himself that he will ever get an order from me—ach Gott!
In the evening, there was an Oscarian party. Dauber Robinson was the only new face since I’ve never seen him before—a man with a huge bushy beard, wearing glasses, staring like an owl. There was also a chubby man with a slack mouth, a hooked nose, and a very shallow forehead. He had a dull and empty personality, spoke in a dissonant way, was dogmatic and trivial, and got frustrated over questions of perspective. Let him keep ruining good canvases with his paintings—good grief!—in the name of Beelzebub, the god of Ekron, who seems to be his deity. But he shouldn’t think for a second that he’ll ever get a commission from me—ach Gott!
Funny Folks, November 1884.
Funny Folks, November 1884.
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The Ghost of Carlyle at the Inventories.
The Ghost of Carlyle at the Inventories.
His observations on the equestrian statue of
the Prince of Wales in the Entrance Hall.
His thoughts on the equestrian statue of
the Prince of Wales in the Entrance Hall.
Beyond doubt a horse—breed questionable—a horse nevertheless. A horse, charging like an unbottled whirlwind, kicking up behind and before; dash, plash! 214 Symptoms unmistakable. Too much other charging for the equine-imity of this full-bodied charger from the stables of Gulliver Swift’s Brobdingnag. Wo, intrepedest! carriest thou not a prince astride; he that is of Wales, yet no Welshman, no Taffy-stick; man of Three Feathers simply! He is the great chum-chum of the sociabilities, knowest thou not? not to be sneezed at like everyday clay. This clay that thou upbearest on that square back of thine is of the Pottery-Royal, good steed; hall-marked from Plantagenet to Guelph with despisable and undespisable Saxon-Norman-Dutch-German interweavings; yet a sound clay, and transparent withal, not mere bric-a-brac. All other sons of Adam bow to him; throw him, therefore, at thy peril. See, the Inanities are coming, with them the Lack-lustres, the Sham-aristocrats, the Brass-brains, the Tittle-tattlers, and the Bubble-mongers. What! still kicking! Do not these High Mightinesses affright thee? What sayest thou to the feminine new clothes-screens that come lilting in, puffy, protuberant, patchy? piquancy personified; all that. Burlesques of anatomy notwithstanding. Nunquam non paratus.
Without a doubt, a horse—its breed questionable—but still a horse. A horse charging like an uncontrollable whirlwind, kicking up dust everywhere; fast and furious! 214 The signs are clear. There's too much drama for the calmness expected from this robust horse from Gulliver Swift’s Brobdingnag. Whoa, fearless! Do you not carry a prince on your back? One from Wales, yet not a Welshman, no Taffy-stick; just a man of Three Feathers! He is the ultimate socialite, don’t you know? Definitely not to be dismissed like ordinary clay. The clay you carry on that strong back of yours is from the Royal Pottery, good horse; marked from Plantagenet to Guelph with a mix of despised and admirable Saxon-Norman-Dutch-German influences; yet it’s genuine clay, and quite transparent, not just some worthless junk. All other sons of Adam bow to him; so, be careful how you treat him. Look, the Nothings are coming, along with the lowlifes, the fake aristocrats, the empty-headed, the gossipmongers, and the charlatans. What! Still kicking? Do not these High Mightinesses intimidate you? What do you think of the women in their ostentatious clothing that float into the room, puffy, protruding, and mismatched? Pure charm; all of it. Even if they look ridiculous. Nunquam non paratus.
Oh, Bucephalus, I am ashamed of thee; all the fineries are here, and thou shouldst be of the inaudibles. Else, better wert thou with thy commemorative counterpart, in distant, hot-as-Hades Bombay. Dost thou not, like the Heine-immortalised palm, have internal yearnings towards the other self out there in the land of the palanquin—that other self-made gift of to the Bombayliffs by Sir Albert Sassoon, C.S.I.? Ridden by an H.R.H., K.G., G.C.S.I., and presented by a C.S.I. Kt., thou shouldst, with thy O B C T, abide by the letter of thy compact. Look around thee; the show is now going on; the asinines are upon us; “Walk up! walk up!” See how they stream through the turn-stiles; pay here, pay there, pay everywhere; halt cabs, halt carriages; crush; press. Whoogh! Hotter work this than shelling peas in the back kitchen with Gretchen. Why, the very mural panels blush for thee in all their Doulton red-hotness. Yes, they have panelled all the inventions on these walls, from Agricola to Bessemer, from Caxton to Walter, from Jost Amman to Arkwright. These panels empanel thee, kicker. Ach Gott! an’ thou dost not stop thy cursed racket, thou shalt seek the Evermore with a walking-stick betwixt thy ribs! A full score peelers (well I remember Robert o’ that ilk) stand sentry, Right over Wrong, or vice versa, in this Hall of no entrance sans the cash, and yet thou art not mollified.
Oh, Bucephalus, I'm embarrassed for you; all the fancy stuff is here, and you should be in the background. Otherwise, you'd be better off with your counterpart in hot-as-Hades Bombay. Don’t you, like the palm immortalized by Heine, have deep feelings for that other self out there in the land of the palanquin—another self-made gift for the Bombayliffs by Sir Albert Sassoon, C.S.I.? Ridden by a royal, K.G., G.C.S.I., and presented by a C.S.I. knight, you should stick to the terms of your agreement. Look around; the show is on now; the donkeys are upon us; “Come on! Come on!” See how they pour through the turnstiles; pay here, pay there, pay everywhere; stopping cabs, stopping carriages; crush, push. Whoa! This is hotter work than shelling peas in the back kitchen with Gretchen. Why, the very mural panels blush for you in their bright Doulton red. Yes, they've depicted all the inventions on these walls, from Agricola to Bessemer, from Caxton to Walter, from Jost Amman to Arkwright. These panels frame you, kicker. Ach Gott! and if you don't stop your annoying racket, you’ll be looking for the afterlife with a walking stick between your ribs! A full twenty officers (I remember Robert of that name) stand guard, Right over Wrong, or vice versa, in this Hall with no entrance sans cash, and yet you’re still not calmed down.
See, the crowds come in by the Subway also—Subwayters they, with a vengeance, and mix and muddle. Mark, too, the seats for the Demi-semi Flirts and their victims. Followers allowed there, Bucephalus, I surmise. See, how the crowd streams down the broad steps that lead to the great South Gallery in the West. A sunny south it is, methinks, this day of autumn. Wo, wo; gently, gently; thou wilt be Hors de combat of a verity one of these days; and this entrancing Hall of Entrance will be disinvented for its entrance upon the chaos of Do-Nothingness, which will surely come with the Inevitable that lies round the corner of Time’s next street, waiting for the ding of doom. Ah, here comes another tribe of the Monetaries, with parboiled visages, and permeations of fashion—starch all over them, head to foot. Boy, bring me a mushroom!
See, the crowds are coming in through the subway too—Subway folks, with a lot of energy, mixing and mingling. Notice the seats for the semi-flirts and their targets. Followers are allowed there, I guess. Just look at how the crowd flows down the wide steps leading to the big South Gallery in the West. It’s a sunny autumn day, I think. Whoa, whoa; easy now; you’ll definitely be Hors de combat one of these days; and this mesmerizing Hall of Entrance will eventually disappear, giving way to the chaos of doing nothing, which is sure to come with the inevitable that’s just around the corner of Time’s next street, waiting for the final bell. Ah, here comes another group of the Money folks, with pale faces and trendy styles—dressed sharp from head to toe. Hey, boy, bring me a mushroom!
Gaiety, October 17, 1885.
Gaiety, October 17, 1885.
From the “World-Harmonic-Æolian-Attachment.”
From the “World-Harmonic-Aeolian-Attachment.”
A burlesque notice of “The Biglow Papers.”
A humorous take on “The Biglow Papers.”
Speech is silver: silence is golden. No utterance more Orphic than this. While, therefore, as highest author, we reverence him whose works continue heroically unwritten, we have also our hopeful word for those who with pen (from wing of goose loud-cackling, or seraph God-commissioned) record the thing that is revealed.… Under mask of quaintest irony, we detect here the deep, storm-tost (nigh shipwracked) soul, thunder-scarred, semi-articulate but ever climbing hopefully toward the peaceful summits of an Infinite Sorrow.… Yes, thou poor, forlorn Hosea, with Hebrew fire-flaming soul in thee, for thee also this life of ours has not been without its aspects of heavenliest pity and laughingest mirth. Conceivable enough! Through coarse Thersites cloak, we have revelation of the heart, wild glowing, world-clasping, that is in him. Bravely he grapples with the life-problem as it presents itself to him, uncombed, shaggy, careless of the “nicer proprieties,” inexpert of “elegant diction,” yet with voice audible enough to whoso hath ears up there on the gravelly side-hills, or down on the splashy, Indiarubber-like salt-marshes of native Jaalam. To this soul also the Necessity of Creating somewhat has unveiled its awful front. If not Œipuses and Electras and Alcestises, then in God’s name Birdofredum Sawins. These also shall get born into the world, and filch (if so need) a Zingali subsistence therein, these lank, omnivorous Yankees of his. He shall paint the Seen, since the Unseen will not sit to him. Yet in him also are Nibelungen-lays and Iliads, and Ulysses-wanderings, and Divine Comedies—if only once he could come at them! Therein lies much, nay all; for what truly is this which we name All, but that which we do not possess?... Glimpses also are given us of an old father Ezekiel, not without paternal pride, as is the wont of such. A brown, parchment-hided old man of the geoponic or bucolic species, gray-eyed, we fancy, queued perhaps, with much weather-cunning and plentiful September-gale memories, bidding fair in good time to become the Oldest Inhabitant. After such hasty apparition, he vanishes and is seen no more.… Of “Rev. Homer Wilbur, A.M., Pastor of the First Church in Jaalam,” we have small care to speak here. Spare touch in him of his Melesigenes namesake, save, haply, the—blindness! A tolerably caliginose, nephelegeretous elderly gentleman, with infinite faculty of sermonizing, muscularized by long practice, and excellent digestive apparatus, and, for the rest, well-meaning enough, and with small private illuminations (somewhat tallowy, it is to be feared) of his own. To him, there, “Pastor of the First Church in Jaalam,” our Hosea presents himself as a quite inexplicable Sphinx-riddle. A rich poverty of Latin and Greek,—so far is clear enough, even to eyes peering myopic through horn-lensed editorial spectacles,—but naught farther? O purblind, well-meaning, altogether fuscous Melesigenes-Wilbur, there are things in him incommunicable by stroke of birch! Did it ever enter that old bewildered head of thine that there was the Possibility of the Infinite in him? To thee, quite wingless (and even featherless) biped, has not so much even as a dream of wings ever come? “Talented young parishioner”? Among the Arts whereof thou art Magister, does that of seeing happen to be one? Unhappy Artium Magister! Somehow a Nemean lion, fulvous, torrid-eyed, dry-nursed in broad-howling sand-wildernesses of a sufficiently rare spirit—Libya (it may be supposed) has got whelped among the sheep. Already he stands wild-glaring, with feet clutching the ground as with oak-roots, gathering for a Remus-spring over the walls of thy little fold. In Heaven’s name, go not near him with that fly-bite crook of thine! In good time, thou painful preacher, thou wilt go to the appointed place of departed Artillery-Election Sermons, Right-Hands of Fellowship, and Results of Councils, gathered to thy 215 spiritual fathers with much Latin of the Epitaphial sort; thou, too, shalt have thy reward; but on him the Eumenides have looked, not Xantippes of the pit, snake-tressed, finger-threatening, but radiantly calm as on antique gems; for him paws impatient the winged courser of the gods, champing unwelcome bit; him the starry deeps, the empyrean glooms, and far-flashing splendors await.
Speech is silver; silence is golden. No saying is more profound than this. So, while we hold in high regard the ultimate author, whose works remain unwritten, we also have encouraging words for those who, with pen in hand (whether from a loud-cackling goose or a God-sent seraph), document what is revealed. Under the guise of quaint irony, we uncover a deep, storm-tossed (almost shipwrecked) soul, thunder-scarred, semi-articulate, but always climbing hopefully toward the calm peaks of an Infinite Sorrow. Yes, poor, lost Hosea, with your fiery Hebrew soul, this life of ours has not entirely lacked moments of the highest pity and the most joyful laughter. It's completely possible! Through the coarse disguise of Thersites, we get a glimpse of the heart, wild and glowing, that exists within him. He bravely wrestles with the problems of life as they come to him—unrefined, untidy, indifferent to “nicer proprieties,” lacking “elegant diction,” yet with a voice loud enough for anyone who has ears on the rocky hills or down in the wet, rubbery salt marshes of native Jaalam. To this soul, the Necessity of Creating has also revealed its daunting presence. If not Œipuses and Electras and Alcestises, then for God's sake, Birdofredum Sawins. These too shall be brought into the world and claim (if necessary) a Zingali existence within it, these keen, hungry Yankees of his. He will portray the Seen since the Unseen won’t reveal itself to him. Yet within him are Nibelungen-lays, Iliads, Ulysses' wanderings, and Divine Comedies—if only he could grasp them! Therein lies much, indeed all; for what truly is this thing we call All, but that which we do not possess?... We also get glimpses of an old father Ezekiel, not without a bit of paternal pride, as is typical. A brown, parchment-skinned old man of the farming or pastoral sort, gray-eyed, we imagine, queued perhaps, with a lot of weather-worn wisdom and numerous September gale memories, promising to become the Oldest Inhabitant in time. After such a quick appearance, he vanishes and is seen no more.... Of “Rev. Homer Wilbur, A.M., Pastor of the First Church in Jaalam,” we care little to discuss here. There’s little of his Melesigenes namesake in him, except perhaps the—blindness! He’s a fairly vague, cloud-like old gentleman, with a great talent for preaching honed by years of practice and a strong digestive system, and overall well-meaning, though with small private insights (somewhat dull, it’s to be feared) of his own. To him, “Pastor of the First Church in Jaalam,” our Hosea appears as an utterly puzzling Sphinx riddle. A rich emptiness of Latin and Greek—so clear enough, even to eyes peering myopically through horn-rimmed editorial glasses—but nothing more? O blind, well-meaning, entirely obscure Melesigenes-Wilbur, there are things in him that cannot be communicated by a birch stroke! Did it ever cross your old, bewildered mind that there existed the Possibility of the Infinite in him? To you, completely wingless (and even featherless) biped, has not even a dream of wings ever come? “Talented young parishioner”? Among the Arts where you are Magister, does the art of seeing happen to be one? Unfortunate Artium Magister! Somehow a Nemean lion, tawny, with fiery eyes, raised in the howling sand-wilderness of a notably rare spirit—Libya (one might suppose) has birthed him among the sheep. He stands wild-eyed, with his feet gripping the ground like oak roots, preparing for a Remus-spring over the walls of your little fold. For Heaven's sake, don’t go near him with that pesky crook of yours! In time, you painful preacher, you will reach the appointed spot for departed Artillery-Election Sermons, Right-Hands of Fellowship, and Results of Councils, gathered with your spiritual fathers and plenty of Latin epigrams; you too shall have your reward; but on him, the Eumenides have gazed, not Xantippes of the pit, snake-haired and finger-pointing, but rather radiantly calm as on ancient gems; for him, the winged horse of the gods paws impatiently, champing an unwelcome bit; he is awaited by the starry depths, the heavenly darkness, and far-flashing brilliance.
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——:o:——
In Banter (Edited by G. A. Sala) for November 11, 1867, there is a parody on Carlyle entitled Shows and Shams, dealing with the Lord Mayor’s Show for that year. But the topic is exhausted, and the parody is exhausting.
In Banter (Edited by G. A. Sala) for November 11, 1867, there is a parody of Carlyle titled Shows and Shams, which focuses on that year's Lord Mayor’s Show. However, the subject has been worn out, and the parody is tiring.
In the Christmas Number of the World for 1879 there is an imitation of Carlyle, descriptive of a picture called Music in the Drawing Room, this parody is of no interest apart from the illustration.
In the Christmas Number of the World for 1879, there's a knockoff of Carlyle that describes a picture called Music in the Drawing Room; this parody isn’t interesting outside of the illustration.
“Carlyle Redivivus, being an occasional discourse on Sauerteig” by Smellfungus, Edited by P. P. Alexander, M. A., was a pamphlet published in Glasgow by Mr. James Maclehose. It was first published during Mr. Carlyle’s lifetime, and ran through several editions. It not only parodied Carlyle’s style, but criticised his theories.
“Carlyle Redivivus, an occasional talk on Sauerteig” by Smellfungus, Edited by P. P. Alexander, M. A., was a pamphlet published in Glasgow by Mr. James Maclehose. It was first published while Mr. Carlyle was still alive and went through several editions. It not only parodied Carlyle’s writing style but also critiqued his theories.
Here then, by way of conclusion, is a piece of real genuine Carlyleism, printed in The Times as long ago as 1877, and not now so generally remembered as it deserves to be.
Here’s a genuinely classic piece of Carlyleism, published in The Times as far back as 1877, and it’s not as widely remembered now as it should be.
Mr. Carlyle on the Crisis.
Mr. Carlyle on the Crisis.
(To the Editor.)
(To the Editor.)
Sir,—A rumour everywhere prevails that our miraculous Premier, in spite of his Queen’s Proclamation of Neutrality, intends, under cover of “care for British interests,” to send the English Fleet to the Baltic, or do some other feat which shall compel Russia to declare war against England. Latterly the rumour has shifted from the Baltic and become still more sinister, on the eastern side of the scene, where a feat is contemplated that will force not Russia only, but all Europe, to declare war against us. This latter I have come to know as an indisputable fact; in our present affairs and outlooks surely a grave one.
Mr.,—There’s a rumor going around that our miraculous Prime Minister, despite the Queen’s announcement of neutrality, plans to send the British Fleet to the Baltic or do something else that will force Russia to go to war with England, all under the guise of “caring for British interests.” Recently, this rumor has shifted away from the Baltic and has taken on a more alarming tone, suggesting that there’s a plan in motion that could push not just Russia, but all of Europe, to declare war against us. I've come to understand this as a fact that cannot be disputed; it’s surely a serious concern given our current situation and prospects.
As to “British interests,” there is none visible or conceivable to me, except taking strict charge of our route to India by Suez and Egypt; and, for the rest, resolutely steering altogether clear of any copartnery with the Turk in regard to this or any other “British interest” whatever. It should be felt by England as a real ignominy to be connected with such a Turk at all. Nay, if we still had, as, in fact, all ought to have, a wish to save him from perdition and annihilation in God’s world, the one future for him that has any hope in it is even now that of being conquered by the Russians and gradually schooled and drilled into peaceable attempt at learning to be himself governed. The newspaper outcry against Russia is no more respectable to me than the howling of Bedlam, proceeding, as it does, from the deepest ignorant egotism, and paltry national jealousy.
As for "British interests," I can't see any that matter, except for taking control of our route to India through Suez and Egypt; and, beyond that, we should definitely avoid any partnership with the Turks regarding this or any other "British interest." It should be seen as a real shame for England to be associated with such a Turk at all. Moreover, if we genuinely wanted to help him avoid destruction in this world, the only hopeful future for him would be to be conquered by the Russians and gradually taught how to govern himself peacefully. The outcry against Russia in the newspapers seems to me no more respectable than the shouting of a mad house, stemming as it does from the deepest ignorance and small-minded national jealousy.
These things I write not on hearsay, but on accurate knowledge, and to all friends of their country will recommend immediate attention to them while there is yet time lest in a few weeks the maddest and most criminal thing that a British Government could do should be done, and all Europe kindle into flames of war. I am, &c.,
These things I'm writing aren't based on rumors, but on accurate knowledge, and I urge all those who care about their country to pay immediate attention to them while there's still time. Otherwise, in just a few weeks, the most reckless and criminal act that a British Government could make may happen, and all of Europe could erupt into war. I am, &c.,
T. Carlyle.
T. Carlyle.
5, Cheyne-row, Chelsea, May 4.
5 Cheyne Row, Chelsea, May 4.
CHARLES DICKENS.
Born, February 7, 1812. Died, June 9, 1870.
Born, February 7, 1812. Passed away, June 9, 1870.
On the second of August, 1879, there was a severe storm in London, and the Editor of The World offered prizes for the two best descriptions of it to be written in imitation of the style of the fifteenth chapter of Martin Chuzzlewit. This, it will be remembered, recounts the experiences of Martin and Mark Tapley, on their voyage to the States. The following were the successful compositions, which appeared in The World, August 27, 1879.
On August 2, 1879, there was a severe storm in London, and the Editor of The World offered prizes for the two best descriptions of it, written in the style of the fifteenth chapter of Martin Chuzzlewit. This chapter recounts the experiences of Martin and Mark Tapley during their voyage to the States. The following were the winning entries, which were published in The World on August 27, 1879.
First Prize.
First Prize.
A bright warm close to a dull dripping week; Labour, just paid his weekly wages by Capital, taking a friendly cup in the alehouse porch; Capital giving a last look to his horses and wagons, as he saunters across the Home-meadow to his evening meal; youth of the village disporting itself on the village green; fishers’ boats coming in, booty-laden, from the open-sea; coastguardmen looking anxiously out for what neither village youth, nor Labour, nor keen-eyed Capital himself can see—a thin dark cloud-line upon the horizon, with grey curling fringes that point upwards and move slowly on, just as the advance guard of a mighty army crests with its bayonets the distant hill.
A bright, warm end to a dull, rainy week; Labor just got paid his weekly wages by Capital, enjoying a drink in the alehouse porch; Capital takes one last look at his horses and wagons as he strolls across the Home-meadow to his evening meal; the village youth are having fun on the village green; fishermen's boats are coming in, loaded with catches from the open sea; coastguard officers are anxiously looking out for something that neither the village youth, nor Labor, nor sharp-eyed Capital can see—a thin dark line of clouds on the horizon, with gray curling edges pointing upwards and slowly moving on, just like the advance guard of a mighty army cresting the distant hill with their bayonets.
An hour passes. The sun sets, the cloud-bank rising over him, and his struggling beams throwing a wan unearthly glare across the western heavens. Ever and anon as the wind rises, the tall poplars shake their heads and whisper to the oaks and shrubs beneath them; then the breeze as suddenly dies away, and again over all Nature is spread the sable pall and deathlike silence of an impenetrable night; or a few heavy drops patter down on the still pool, and then cease—all again is hushed, all restful, but yet pregnant with the rest and hush that precedes the hurricane.
An hour goes by. The sun sets, a bank of clouds rising above him, its struggling rays casting a pale, otherworldly glow across the western sky. From time to time, as the wind picks up, the tall poplars sway and murmur to the oaks and bushes below; then the breeze suddenly dies down, and once more, a dark shroud of an impenetrable night wraps around Nature, bringing a deathly silence; or a few heavy drops fall onto the still pool, then stop—all is quiet again, all feels peaceful, yet still full of the tension that comes before a storm.
Ten, eleven, twelve! Does some relentless demon of the storm, from the old church-tower, give the signal for the war of the elements? Scarce has the midnight chime died away when the tempest wakes. First one vivid flash, then, before the crash reverberates from hill to hill, another succeeds it, and another—not the ordinary fitful change from gleam to gloom, from darkness to light, but the mad meeting of storms from every quarter of the heavens, in all the fulness of rage and strife, and never ceasing turmoil.
Ten, eleven, twelve! Does some relentless storm demon from the old church tower signal the battle of the elements? Hardly has the midnight chime faded away when the tempest stirs. First, there's one vivid flash, then, before the crash echoes from hill to hill, another follows, and another—not the usual flickering change from light to dark, but the chaotic clash of storms from every direction in the sky, in all their fury and conflict, and nonstop turmoil.
Again, again! The rain seems to crash down rather than to fall, streaming with a torrent’s force from the hillside, foaming, rushing, seething in a thousand eddies down to the swollen river, till the banks no longer endure the awful pressure, and the wild flashes laugh out, fiend-like, at trees and flocks and newly-stacked hay, all swept adrift, all whirled oceanwards.
Again, again! The rain seems to slam down instead of just falling, pouring down the hillside with a torrent’s force, foaming, rushing, and boiling in a thousand swirls down to the overflowing river, until the banks can’t take the terrifying pressure anymore, and the wild flashes mock, like demons, at trees, flocks, and freshly stacked hay, all swept away, all spun towards the ocean.
Again, again! What further ruin can the storm-demon work? Gradually, unwillingly, the tempest departs; only the gray scattered clouds remain, hanging on the hill slope. Yet, as the daylight dawns, one sad cry is heard from all, “God’s house!”
Again, again! What more destruction can the storm demon cause? Slowly, reluctantly, the tempest begins to fade; only the gray scattered clouds linger on the hillside. Yet, as daylight breaks, a mournful cry is heard from everyone, “God’s house!”
The chimes are for ever silent, for God’s house has fallen! Just before the storm passed away a vivid flash struck the topmost pinnacle and caught the oaken rafters in the belfry—and now the roof has fallen in; the pillars 216 crumble beneath the still-consuming flame; the bells crash down from the steeple one by one, a smoking mass of blackened walls and arches alone bears witness to the past, alone tells of anthems raised to heaven by the white-robed choir, and earnest words of God’s chosen messengers, and the all-pervading incense of hushed and solemn prayer.
The bells are forever silent because God’s house has fallen! Just before the storm passed, a bright flash hit the highest point and struck the wooden beams in the belfry—and now the roof has collapsed; the pillars 216 are crumbling under the still-burning flames; the bells crash down from the steeple one by one, and a smoking mass of charred walls and arches is the only reminder of the past, the only thing that speaks of anthems sung to heaven by the white-robed choir, the heartfelt words of God’s chosen messengers, and the all-encompassing incense of quiet and solemn prayer.
New Sarum.
New Sarum.
Second Prize.
Second Place.
Murk midnight. Some in their beds for a moment waking only to hear the buffeting of the elements. Policemen, wetter than Ramsgate bathing-men, seeking the shelter of doorways. The bells of St. Paul’s unwillingly giving utterance to their dissatisfaction with their position by twelve muttering growls. The town, dry in the early spring, now ankle-deep in mud; the wind is no longer still, but, stealthily following the unwary foot-passenger, whirls off his hat, and, stopping for a moment in glee at his discomfiture, rushes on, eager for more mischief.
Muddy midnight. Some are in bed for a moment, only waking to hear the pounding of the elements. Policemen, wetter than beachgoers at Ramsgate, seek shelter in doorways. The bells of St. Paul’s reluctantly express their displeasure with a dozen grumbling sounds. The town, dry in early spring, is now ankle-deep in mud; the wind is no longer calm but stealthily follows unsuspecting pedestrians, whipping off their hats and pausing for a moment in delight at their embarrassment before rushing on, eager for more chaos.
Now crowds, freed from their cramped postures in the playhouse, rush out upon the wild waste of the dripping Strand.
Now crowds, released from their tight positions in the theater, rush out into the open expanse of the wet Strand.
Here, roaring, fighting, pushing, elbowing each other into the howling fury of the night. Hither come chattering voices from the stalls, pit, and recesses of the theatre, where the chairs remain sole occupants of the place, and seem to say, “Ah, ha, here we are, snug for the night!”
Here, roaring, fighting, pushing, and elbowing each other into the howling chaos of the night. Chattering voices come from the stalls, pit, and corners of the theater, where the chairs are the only ones left and seem to say, “Ah, ha, here we are, cozy for the night!”
Here in the eagerness of regained liberty, they storm and push each other, while the tempest falls in sheets of water, and howls above them. On and on in countless crowds they rush, like human billows. Men and women, hats, bonnets, and umbrellas, draggled dresses in one rushing wet mass. Pursuit of cabs, and fruitless return to the shelter of the passage; savage struggle of humanity enlivening the black night; little forbearance, but eternal fighting. On and on they surge, backwards and forwards, and darker grows the night, fiercer falls the hail, louder roars the thunder, more clamorous and angry the numberless voices in the street, when a wild cry goes forth, “A cab!” Onward it comes, fighting its way through the elements, the crazy door rattling; onward it comes, now free as the surging crowd falls back, now overwhelmed in a sea of human forms. And every voice in the multitude, answered by storm-voices in the air, shrieks more loudly, “A cab!”
Here in the excitement of regained freedom, they rush and push against each other while the storm pours down in sheets of rain and howls above them. On and on, in endless crowds, they surge like waves of people. Men and women, hats, bonnets, and umbrellas, drenched dresses forming one soaking wet mass. They chase after cabs, only to fruitlessly retreat to the shelter of the passage; a brutal struggle of humanity lighting up the dark night; little patience and constant fighting. On and on they flow, backward and forward, as the night grows darker, the hail falls harder, the thunder roars louder, and the countless voices in the street become more frantic and angry, when a wild cry rings out, “A cab!” It comes charging through the storm, the crazy door rattling; it approaches, now free as the surging crowd recedes, now overwhelmed in a sea of people. And every voice in the crowd, echoed by the storm’s roar, cries out even louder, “A cab!”
Still he comes driving on, and at the boldness and determination of one man the angry crowd rise up, peering over each other’s heads, and round about the cab they press upon him, forcing each other down, and starting up and rushing forward in reckless eagerness.
Still he comes driving on, and at the boldness and determination of one man, the angry crowd rises up, peering over each other’s heads. They press around the cab, shoving each other down, jumping up, and rushing forward in reckless eagerness.
Round it they surge and roar, and, giving way to others, moodily depart, still this one fights on bravely….
Round it they surge and roar, and, yielding to others, moodily leave, still this one fights on bravely….
At last the eager multitude fall back, and dawn of day discovers the happy occupant within, with the elements still pouring their fury upon the devoted driver in an eternity of hail and rain, as on and on he goes into the far suburbs, with his dim lamps burning, and the fare inside asleep and snoring, as if there were no tempest trying every chink and cranny of the shaky vehicle, and no half-drowned cabby outside with only a moist billycock on his head, and sleepily yawning so wide that the spirits of the air, if they could exist on such a night, might look into the unfathomable depths below.
At last, the eager crowd pulls back, and the dawn reveals the happy occupant inside, while the elements continue to unleash their fury on the devoted driver in a relentless storm of hail and rain. He presses on into the distant suburbs, his dim lights glowing, and the passenger inside is asleep and snoring, as if there were no tempest trying every crack and crevice of the shaky vehicle, and no half-drenched cab driver outside with just a wet cap on his head, sleepily yawning so wide that the spirits of the air, if they could exist on such a night, might peer into the unfathomable depths below.
Robert le Diable.
Robert the Devil.
The Age of Lawn-Tennis.
(After Charles Dickens’s “Pickwick.” A fragment.)
The Era of Tennis.
(After Charles Dickens’s “Pickwick.” A fragment.)
CHAPTER I.
CHAPTER I.
The first record we have of the Hitquick Club, which has since assumed a position of proud eminence in the ball-playing world, is embodied in the following resolution, which appears in an old minute book, lately disinterred from the cloisters of Wymbledoune Priory.
The first record we have of the Hitquick Club, which has since taken on a prestigious role in the ball-playing world, is captured in the following resolution, found in an old minute book recently unearthed from the archives of Wymbledoune Priory.
“It is proposed by Mr. Pleycynge, and seconded by Mr. de Vorley,—
“It is proposed by Mr. Pleycynge, and seconded by Mr. de Vorley,—
“That this Association has heard read, with feelings of unmingled satisfaction, the paper communicated by Verdant Hardcourt Hitquick, Esq., A.E.L.T.C.,[51] P.H.C.,[52] etc., etc., entitled, ‘Speculations on the origin of ball-playing, with some observations on the theory of the back-hander, and the parabola of the lob;’ and that this Association returns its warmest thanks for the same.”
“That this Association has listened with complete satisfaction to the paper presented by Verdant Hardcourt Hitquick, Esq., A.E.L.T.C.,[51]P.H.C.,[52] etc., etc., titled, ‘Speculations on the origin of ball-playing, with some observations on the theory of the backhand and the parabola of the lob;’ and that this Association extends its warmest gratitude for the same.”
It further appears that an amendment was suggested by Will. O’Bye Wisp, Esq., who had failed as a ball-player, and was better known as an enthusiastic Pyramidalist,—
It also seems that Will. O’Bye Wisp, Esq., who didn't succeed as a ball player and was more recognized as a passionate Pyramidalist, suggested an amendment,—
“That the study of the triangular must inevitably result in greater benefits to the human race than the consideration of the sphere;” but, as this was unsupported by any further argument than that the triangle had more point than the ball, the original resolution was carried, Mr. Will. O’Bye Wisp alone dissenting.
“That studying triangles will obviously benefit humanity more than focusing on spheres;” however, since this was backed by no other reasoning besides the claim that the triangle has more points than the sphere, the original resolution was passed, with Mr. Will O’Bye Wisp being the only one to disagree.
It was further agreed, that V. H. Hitquick, Esq., should be President; that he, with Mr. Cutman, Mr. Shortgrass, and Mr. de Vorley, should be the Committee; and that Mr. Pleycynge should be the Secretary.
It was also agreed that V. H. Hitquick, Esq. would be President; that he, along with Mr. Cutman, Mr. Shortgrass, and Mr. de Vorley, would be the Committee; and that Mr. Pleycynge would be the Secretary.
“A casual observer,” adds the Secretary, to whose notes we are indebted for the following interesting remarks, “A casual observer might have remarked nothing extraordinary in the appearance of V. H. Hitquick, Esq., during the reading of these resolutions; but to those who knew that there sat the man who had traced the origin of the ball into the early ages, when globular masses had been created by the introduction of the laws of gravity among shapeless matter; who had detected how, true to the model of the planetary system, the earliest balls had been ellipsoidal; how prehistoric men, in their primæval pastimes, had been driven nigh to frenzy by the false bounds arising out of this apparently heaven-directed shape; how, in such times, the advantages of service had been all preponderating; how certain crafty Chaldean astrologers in their studies had discovered the shape of the true sphere, and how, having backed themselves with wagers of corn and oil and wine, they had cheated in their international games by substituting the true spheres when they were being served to, and by using the ellipsoids when serving; to those, I say, who knew that there sat the man who had traced out all this and much else, by the research of half a lifetime, the sight, indeed, was an interesting one. Mr. Hitquick’s oration in response was remarkable;” but the damp of the Wymbledoune cloisters had here much obliterated the Secretary’s notes. It was gathered, however, that he was comparing the life of man to that of a tennis-ball, and was congratulating them “that the philanthropists and the ball-makers were rapidly, in both cases, eliminating the seamy side, though he was fain to acknowledge that some hollowness still remained in both.” Here the entry becomes illegible, and we have had to fall back upon tradition, and other sources, for what we are about to record further of the doings of the Hitquick Club.
“A casual observer,” adds the Secretary, whose notes we rely on for the following interesting remarks, “might not have noticed anything unusual about V. H. Hitquick, Esq., during the reading of these resolutions; but for those who knew he was the man who traced the origin of the ball back to ancient times, when globular shapes were formed by the introduction of gravity among formless matter; who discovered that, similar to the design of the planetary system, the earliest balls were ellipsoidal; how prehistoric humans, in their primitive pastimes, were driven nearly to madness by the false boundaries resulting from this seemingly heavenly shape; how, back then, the benefits of service were overwhelmingly important; how certain clever Chaldean astrologers in their studies found the true shape of a sphere, and, having backed their findings with bets of grain, oil, and wine, cheated in their international games by using actual spheres when it was their turn to serve and ellipsoids when they were being served; to those who knew that this was the man who had uncovered all this and much more through years of research, the sight was indeed fascinating. Mr. Hitquick’s speech in response was noteworthy;” but the dampness of the Wymbledoune cloisters had largely obscured the Secretary’s notes. It was gathered, however, that he was comparing the life of a person to that of a tennis ball, and was congratulating them “that both philanthropists and ball-makers were quickly eliminating the downsides, though he reluctantly admitted that some hollowness still remained in both.” Here the entry becomes unreadable, and we had to rely on tradition and other sources for what we will now record about the activities of the Hitquick Club.
CHAPTER II.
CHAPTER II.
Mr. Hitquick, who had been delivering over-night, amidst much applause, an impressive lecture to the members of the Hitquick Club on various phases of Lawn-tennis dynamics, was with some difficulty roused from his slumbers on the particular morning of which it now becomes our duty to write.
Mr. Hitquick, who had been giving an impressive overnight lecture to the members of the Hitquick Club on different aspects of lawn tennis dynamics, was with some effort awakened from his sleep on the particular morning we now need to write about.
“Yes, sir,” was the reply.
“Sure thing,” was the reply.
“Then bring me my spectacles,” said Mr. Hitquick.
“Then bring me my glasses,” said Mr. Hitquick.
“If you please, sir, a boy have walked over with this from Little Mugborough, and he’s a-vaiting below for a hanswer.”
“If you don’t mind, sir, a boy has come over with this from Little Mugborough, and he’s waiting downstairs for a reply.”
“Very well, Samuel,” said Mr. Hitquick, as he adjusted his spectacles and opened the letter. “Why! dear me! What’s this?”
“Alright, Samuel,” Mr. Hitquick said as he fixed his glasses and opened the letter. “Wow! Goodness! What’s this?”
‘The Secretary of the Little Mugborough Lawn-Tennis Club presents his compliments to Mr. Hitquick, and begs to inform him that two members of his Club will be glad to play any two members of the Hitquick Association at four o’clock this afternoon.’
‘The Secretary of the Little Mugborough Lawn-Tennis Club sends his regards to Mr. Hitquick and would like to inform him that two members of his Club are happy to play against any two members of the Hitquick Association at four o’clock this afternoon.’
“Why! a challenge,” said Mr. Hitquick. “Of course, we will meet them. Let me see there’s Shortgrass and Cutman, two active men in the prime of life, who tell me they generally offer half-thirty in mixed country society; the very thing. Here, take this, Samuel.”
“Wow! A challenge,” said Mr. Hitquick. “Of course, we’ll take them on. Let me think, there’s Shortgrass and Cutman, two energetic guys in their prime, who say they typically offer half-thirty in mixed country gatherings; just what we need. Here, take this, Samuel.”
“It strikes me wery forcibly,” said Samuel to himself with a wink, “that, if those two gents don’t look a bit more spry this afternoon than I have ever seen them ven I have had the extreme privilege of vatching their performances, the Hitquick Club will have a very considerable wopping,”—and, whistling to himself, he went off with the letter.
“It strikes me very forcefully,” said Samuel to himself with a wink, “that if those two gentlemen don’t look a bit more lively this afternoon than I’ve ever seen them when I’ve had the extreme privilege of watching their performances, the Hitquick Club is going to have a big problem,”—and, whistling to himself, he went off with the letter.
Now, it must be confessed that neither Mr. Shortgrass nor Mr. Cutman were such performers on the Tennis-lawn as they had led their worthy President, Mr. Hitquick, to believe, nor as they had described themselves in their after-dinner conversations, as they sipped the soft claret for which the Hitquick Club was so deservedly famous; though certain papers which they had read before the members of the Association had, no doubt, stamped them as theoretical professors of no mean order.
Now, it has to be admitted that neither Mr. Shortgrass nor Mr. Cutman were the tennis players they had led their esteemed President, Mr. Hitquick, to believe they were, nor as they had portrayed themselves in their after-dinner chats while enjoying the soft claret for which the Hitquick Club was rightly famous; although certain articles they had presented to the Association members had, no doubt, marked them as theoretical experts of considerable status.
Notably, a paper by Mr. Cutman on “Atmospheric resistance to the Cutman service in the latitude of Greenwich” (a lecture suggested by certain accurate memoranda, prepared by the statist of the Club, to the effect that only ’17 of these services so far overcame it as to pass over the net), had placed him in the front ranks of Lawn-tennis theorists; while a lecture by Mr. Shortgrass, on “Suspected tidal attraction on the Shortgrass lob” (accounting for the discovery by the same scientific observer that it almost always completed its parabola on Mr. Shortgrass’s side of the net), had brought him, too, into a leading position amongst spheric scientists.
Notably, a paper by Mr. Cutman titled “Atmospheric Resistance to the Cutman Service in the Latitude of Greenwich” (a lecture suggested by some accurate notes prepared by the Club's statistician, indicating that only 17 of these services have managed to pass over the net) had placed him among the top Lawn-tennis theorists. Meanwhile, a lecture by Mr. Shortgrass on “Suspected Tidal Attraction on the Shortgrass Lob” (which explained the observation by the same scientist that it almost always completed its curve on Mr. Shortgrass’s side of the net) had also elevated him to a prominent position among spherical scientists.
At four o’clock, however, Mr. Shortgrass and Mr. Cutman stepped upon the lawn, prepared to do battle for the Hitquickians, and were soon confronted by the team from Little Mugborough.
At four o'clock, though, Mr. Shortgrass and Mr. Cutman stepped onto the lawn, ready to fight for the Hitquickians, and were soon faced with the team from Little Mugborough.
The game began, A sharp service was sent to Mr. Shortgrass, who shut his eyes, hit wildly, and returned it accidentally. No one’s astonishment was greater than his own; he felt he had done enough; he shouted “yours” to balls which kept striking him on head, stomach, and legs, and did not appear to recover from his intense surprise till the umpire called, “Set the first, six games to love, Little Mugborough wins.”
The game started, and a powerful serve was directed at Mr. Shortgrass, who squeezed his eyes shut, swung wildly, and accidentally returned it. No one was more shocked than he was; he felt he had done enough. He yelled "yours" to balls that kept hitting him on the head, stomach, and legs, and he didn’t seem to recover from his intense surprise until the umpire announced, "Set the first, six games to love, Little Mugborough wins.”
“Call that placing, Samivel, my boy,” said a stout elderly gentleman, of horsey dress, to his son, who was no other than Mr. Hitquick’s servant; “call that placing? Vy! I should like to see one of these ere ball-placers as could flick a fly off a leader’s ear! That’s wot I calls placing, Samivel.”
“Call that placing, Samivel, my boy,” said a stout elderly gentleman, dressed like a horseman, to his son, who was none other than Mr. Hitquick’s servant; “call that placing? Wow! I’d like to see one of those ball-placers who could flick a fly off a leader’s ear! That’s what I call placing, Samivel.”
Mr. Hitquick’s face had now begun to lengthen to such an extent as to cause a bystander to inform him that a curious compound of brandy and soda-water was to be obtained in the marquee close by, whither Mr. Hitquick, taking such bystander’s advice now adjourned.
Mr. Hitquick’s face had started to stretch into such a long expression that someone nearby suggested he try a unique mix of brandy and soda water available in the marquee nearby, which Mr. Hitquick decided to do.
“Capital game—smart sport—rare exercise—very,” were the words that fell upon Mr. Hitquick’s ear as he entered the marquee.
“Capital game—smart sport—rare exercise—very,” were the words that fell upon Mr. Hitquick’s ear as he entered the marquee.
“What! Jangle?” said he, recognising an old acquaintance, “What brings you here?”
“What! Jangle?” he said, recognizing an old acquaintance. “What brings you here?”
“ Me here—Wymbledoune Arms—met a party—capital fellows—gin and water—Lawn-tennis—great match—Little Mugborough—came on here—and here we are. What name? Know your face.”
“Me here—Wymbledoune Arms—met a group—great guys—gin and tonic—lawn tennis—awesome match—Little Mugborough—came here—and here we are. What’s your name? I recognize your face.”
“My name, sir, is Hitquick, author of a ‘Treatise on Balls;’ at your service, sir.”
“My name is Hitquick, and I’m the author of a ‘Treatise on Balls.’ How can I help you?”
“Ah! Hitquick—much pleasure—great man—good book—read it myself—Spheric lore—Sun, Saturn—Earth—Jupiter—pumpkins—balls—inter-threaded—human race—round games—round robins—general idea—deuced clever.”
“Ah! Hitquick—so much pleasure—great guy—good book—read it myself—Spheric knowledge—Sun, Saturn—Earth—Jupiter—pumpkins—balls—interconnected—human race—round games—round robins—overall idea—really clever.”
“And do you—er—join, Mr. Jangle, in this—er—healthgiving pastime?”
“And do you—uh—participate, Mr. Jangle, in this—uh—healthy activity?”
“Play, Sir,” said Jangle—“I think I did—never heard?—queer thing—deuced strange—great traveller—round the world—visited Madagascar—met a stranger—said he could play—offered to play him—gave fifteen—thermometer 110 degrees in the shade—threw in a bisque—beat him hollow—no umpire—stranger riled—disputed scoring—they always do—ex-champion—name Shadow—all love-sets—play? rather.”
“Play, Sir,” said Jangle—“I think I did—never heard?—weird thing—really strange—great traveler—went around the world—visited Madagascar—met a stranger—said he could play—offered to play him—gave him fifteen—thermometer 110 degrees in the shade—threw in a bisque—beat him badly—no umpire—stranger got annoyed—argued about the scoring—they always do—ex-champion—name Shadow—all love-sets—play? you bet.”
As Jangle and Mr. Hitquick reapproached the game, it had just become the duty of the umpire to cry: “Three sets to love, Little Mugborough wins,” thus deciding the match adversely to the Hitquickians. Mr. Hitquick retired a few paces from the bystanders, and, beckoning Shortgrass to approach, fixed a keen and searching glance upon him, and uttered in a low tone these remarkable words:—
As Jangle and Mr. Hitquick walked back to the game, the umpire had just called out, “Three sets to love, Little Mugborough wins,” ending the match unfavorably for the Hitquickians. Mr. Hitquick stepped away from the onlookers, motioned for Shortgrass to come over, gave him a sharp, intense look, and quietly said these significant words:—
“Sir, you’re a humbug.”
“Sir, you’re a fraud.”
Turning to Cutman, who was trying to conceal himself behind his late partner, he added,—
Turning to Cutman, who was trying to hide behind his late partner, he added,—
“And you, too, sir.”
"And you too, sir."
“What?” they both exclaimed, starting.
"What?" they both shouted, startled.
“Humbugs, sir. I will speak more plainly, if you desire it. Imposters, sir. Yes; imposters.”
“Humbugs, sir. I’ll be more straightforward if you want. Fraudsters, sir. Yes; fraudsters.”
And with these words Mr. Hitquick turned slowly on his heel, and proceeded to rejoin his friends.
And with that, Mr. Hitquick turned slowly on his heel and went back to join his friends.
This Parody originally appeared in Pastime, July 20, 1883. It was afterwards reprinted in Tennis Cuts and Quips, an amusing volume ably edited by Mr. Julian Marshall, and published by Field and Tuer, London.
This parody originally appeared in Pastime, July 20, 1883. It was later reprinted in Tennis Cuts and Quips, a funny collection skillfully edited by Mr. Julian Marshall and published by Field and Tuer, London.
The late Mr. Charles Stuart Calverley, the author of many clever parodies, was a diligent student of the works of Dickens, and when he entered at Christ’s College, Cambridge, in October 1852, it was generally admitted that he was more familiar with the Pickwick Papers than any other man in the University. Hence arose the jocular notion of having a competitive examination on that work, and Calverley drew up an ingenious syllabus of questions, from which it may be gathered how accurate and minute was his acquaintance with Pickwick. The examination was open to all members of Christ’s College, the first prize was taken by Mr. Walter Besant, and the second by Mr. (now Professor) Skeat, two gentlemen whose names have since become familiar in the literary world. The Pickwick Examination Paper will be found in Fly Leaves, by C. S. Calverley, published by G. Bell & Sons, a few specimen questions will show the humour of the thing:—
The late Mr. Charles Stuart Calverley, known for his witty parodies, was a dedicated student of Dickens's works. When he started at Christ's College, Cambridge, in October 1852, it was widely accepted that he knew the Pickwick Papers better than anyone else in the University. This led to the playful idea of holding a competitive exam on that work, and Calverley created an inventive list of questions that reflected his thorough and detailed knowledge of Pickwick. The exam was open to all members of Christ's College. The first prize went to Mr. Walter Besant, and the second to Mr. (now Professor) Skeat, both of whom have since become well-known in the literary community. The Pickwick Examination Paper can be found in Fly Leaves by C. S. Calverley, published by G. Bell & Sons. A few sample questions will demonstrate the humor of the thing:—
2. Translate into coherent English, adding a note wherever a word, a construction, or an allusion requires it:
2. Translate into clear English, adding a note whenever a word, phrase, or reference needs it:
“Go on, Jemmy—like black-eyed Susan—all in the Downs”—“Smart chap that cabman—handled his fives well—but if I’d been your friend in the green jemmy—punch his head—pig’s whisper—pieman, too.”
“Go ahead, Jemmy—like black-eyed Susan—all in the Downs—“That cab driver was sharp—he knew how to deal with his fists—but if I’d been your buddy in the green getup—I'd punch his face—pig’s whisper—pieman, too.”
Elucidate the expression, “the Spanish Traveller,” and the “narcotic bedstead.”
Elaborate on the phrase, “the Spanish Traveler,” and the “narcotic bed.”
4. What operation was performed on Tom Smart’s chair? Who little thinks that in which pocket, of what garment, in where, he has left what, entreating him to return to whom, with how many what, and all how big?
4. What was done to Tom Smart’s chair? Who really thinks about which pocket, which piece of clothing, where he left something, asking him to go back to whom, with how many of what, and all how big?
5. Give, approximately, the height of Mr. Dubbley; and, accurately, the Christian names of Mr. Grummer, Mrs. Raddle, and the Fat Boy; also the surname of the Zephyr.
5. Provide, roughly, the height of Mr. Dubbley; and, correctly, the first names of Mr. Grummer, Mrs. Raddle, and the Fat Boy; as well as the last name of the Zephyr.
8. Give in full Samuel Weller’s first compliment to Mary, and his father’s critique upon the same young lady. What church was on the valentine that first attracted Mr. Samuel’s eye in the shop?
8. Share Samuel Weller’s first compliment to Mary in full, along with his father’s critique of the same young lady. What church was featured on the valentine that first caught Mr. Samuel's eye in the shop?
11. On finding his principal in the pound, Mr. Weller and the town-beadle varied directly. Show that the latter was ultimately eliminated, and state the number of rounds in the square which is not described.
11. When Mr. Weller found his boss in the pound, he and the town beadle had a direct clash. Show how the beadle was eventually removed from the situation, and state the number of rounds in the square that aren't described.
12. “Any think for air and exercise; as the wery old donkey observed ven they voke him up from his deathbed to carry ten gen’lmen to Greenwich in a tax-cart.” Illustrate this by stating any remark recorded in the Pickwick Papers to have been made by a (previously) dumb animal, with the circumstances under which he made it.
12. “Anything for fresh air and exercise; as the very old donkey said when they woke him up from his deathbed to carry ten gentlemen to Greenwich in a tax cart.” Illustrate this by stating any remark recorded in the Pickwick Papers to have been made by a (previously) mute animal, with the circumstances under which he made it.
15. Describe Weller’s Method of “gently indicating his presence” to the young lady in the garden; and the Form of Salutation usual among the coachmen of the period.
15. Describe Weller’s way of “gently letting the young lady in the garden know he’s around” and the typical greeting among the coachmen of that time.
20. Write down the chorus to each verse of Mr. S. Weller’s song, and a sketch of the mottle-faced man’s excursus on it. Is there any ground for conjecturing that he (Sam) had more brothers than one?
20. Write down the chorus for each verse of Mr. S. Weller’s song, along with a brief outline of the patchy-faced guy’s commentary on it. Is there any reason to think that he (Sam) had more than one brother?
23. “She’s a swelling visibly.” When did the same phenomenon occur again, and what fluid caused the pressure on the body in the latter case?
23. “She’s visibly swollen.” When did this same thing happen again, and what fluid caused the pressure on the body in that instance?
24. How did Mr. Weller, senior, define the Funds, and what view did he take of Reduced Consols? in what terms is his elastic force described, when he assaulted Mr. Stiggins at the meeting? Write down the name of the meeting?
24. How did Mr. Weller, senior, describe the Funds, and what was his opinion on Reduced Consols? How is his flexible strength portrayed when he confronted Mr. Stiggins at the meeting? Please write down the name of the meeting.
30. Who, besides Mr. Pickwick, is recorded to have worn gaiters?
30. Who, apart from Mr. Pickwick, is noted to have worn gaiters?
In connection with this examination reference may be made to the “Death of Mr. Pickwick,” by Messrs. W. Besant and J. Rice in “The Case of Mr. Lucraft, and other Tales.”
In relation to this examination, you can refer to “The Death of Mr. Pickwick” by W. Besant and J. Rice in “The Case of Mr. Lucraft, and other Tales.”
The Battle won by the Wind.
By the author of the “Picnic Papers,” “Barnaby
Fudge,” &c.
The Battle Won by the Wind.
By the author of the “Picnic Papers,” “Barnaby Fudge,” etc.
Night! Night and a thick darkness on the dreaming city. It was o’er all—that pitchy veil—o’er lone deserted streets and broad suburban roads, along which wagons with their great clamped wheels jolt forward to the early market—o’er square and terrace, and stately dome and carved pinnacle—a deep dense obscurity, into which tower and steeple rose and were lost to the eyes of the gazer from below!
Night! Night and a heavy darkness over the dreaming city. It covered everything—that thick veil—over lonely deserted streets and wide suburban roads, where wagons with their massive clamped wheels jolt forward to the early market—over squares and terraces, and grand domes and carved spires—a deep, dense obscurity, into which towers and steeples rose and vanished from the sight of those gazing from below!
Night! black, stormy, dreary night. Driving in long dim lines athwart the starless sky—lashing the sloping roofs of dripping houses—flooding kennel and gutter and choked-up drain—pattering like a loud chorus of rolling spectre drums at rattling windows and on streaming sky-lights—down—in one steady, uninterrupted, continuous pour—drove the wild storm of lashing hail and rain! A dismal night! A night for the well-housed to snoozle themselves up beneath the bed-clothes, and listen all crouchingly to the roaring of the tempest! A night for the homeless pauper to lie down on the lee side of hedge and stack—and stretching his stiffening limbs in the icy sludge, wait patiently until Death came by and touched him with its sceptre!
Night! Dark, stormy, dreary night. Driving in long dim lines across the starless sky—lashing the sloped roofs of dripping houses—flooding the kennel and gutter and blocked drain—pattering like a loud chorus of rolling ghostly drums against rattling windows and on streaming skylights—down—in one steady, uninterrupted, continuous pour—came the wild storm of pelting hail and rain! A miserable night! A night for those well housed to snuggle up beneath the blankets and listen nervously to the roaring tempest! A night for the homeless person to lie down on the sheltered side of a hedge or stack—and stretching their stiffening limbs in the icy muck, wait patiently until Death passed by and touched them with its scepter!
Night—a dreary, dismal, rainy, windy night! A night of unchained gale and unbridled hurricane! How the fierce wind roared, to be sure! How it roared in its wrath, and muttered in its sulkiness, and sung in its glee, and howled and shrieked and whistled and raved in the full swing of its fury. It was a jubilee—be certain of it—a time of jubilee with the Wind!—a night when it had full license and authority, and power and sanction, to do its best and its worst—by sea and by land—above and below. And did not the fierce wind avail itself of the opportunity? Did it not muster its forces, and its energies, and its powers, far up amongst the dim-driving clouds, preparing for the onset—preparing for its night of empire and of pillage and of mischief? And then, when its time of liberty came, did it not burst out with a roar, and a shout, and a clang, as of victorious trumpets—did it not career all madly over land and sea, beating down the weak and broken corn, and roaring over the stark brown moors, and catching the big leafy limbs of gnarled trees—gnarled old mighty trees which had stood there for centuries—and wrenching them all torn and riven and splintered from the groaning trunks, and then grappling and wrestling with them as strong men fight, until the victorious wind, with a loud shriek of triumph, would drag the huge branch out, and toss it contemptuously away!
Night—a gloomy, rainy, windy night! A night of wild gales and relentless storms! How the fierce wind roared, indeed! How it roared in its anger, sulked in its frustration, sang in its joy, and howled and shrieked and whistled in a frenzy. It was a celebration—make no mistake—a night of celebration for the Wind!—a night when it had full freedom and power to do its best and worst—by land and by sea—up high and down low. And didn’t the fierce wind take advantage of this opportunity? Didn’t it rally its forces, energy, and strength high among the dark, rolling clouds, gearing up for its takeover—ready for its night of power and chaos? And then, when its moment of freedom arrived, didn’t it erupt with a roar, and a shout, and a clash like victorious trumpets—didn’t it rush madly over land and sea, flattening the weak and broken crops, roaring across the stark, brown moors, and grabbing the huge leafy branches of gnarled trees—old, mighty trees that had stood for centuries—and tearing them from the groaning trunks, grappling and wrestling with them like strong men fighting, until the triumphant wind, with a loud scream of victory, would rip the huge branch away and toss it aside with disdain!
Who—o—o—op! for the Battle won by the Wind!
Whoo—o—o—op! for the victory earned by the Wind!
But that was not all. No, no. It attacked the city too, as well as the country. It did. The wind! Coming with a sweep and a pounce and a roar and a whistle-shrieking up through empty streets—groaning with a hollow sound in dim big archways—catching as with a muscular grasp, vanes and weathercocks—coming to the outside of windows—laying hold of the glazed sashes—shaking and rattling them and shouting hoarse mad greeting to the people within—lingering, I say, an instant at such places, and then departing with a burst of uproarious joy to lay siege to some high old tottering ricketty gable, which it would so shake, and push, and pull, and cause to waver and quake—that the whole crazy old tenement to which it belonged would wheeze and creak and groan in sympathy, until the old men and the old women, who dwelt there for long years, would be terrified and frightened, and would cower down upon the hot hearths or in their beds, crying—“Woe is me, but this is a wild night!”
But that wasn’t the only thing. No, no. It attacked the city too, as well as the countryside. It did. The wind! Coming in with a sweep, a pounce, a roar, and a shriek that whistled through empty streets—groaning with a hollow sound in dim, large archways—grabbing hold of vanes and weather vanes—coming to the outside of windows—gripping the glazed sashes—shaking and rattling them while shouting a hoarse, wild greeting to the people inside—lingering for a moment at those places, and then bursting away with noisy joy to lay siege to some tall, old, rickety gable, shaking, pushing, and pulling it, making it sway and tremble—so that the entire crazy old building it belonged to would wheeze, creak, and groan in response, until the old men and women who’d lived there for years would be terrified and scared, cowering down on the hot hearths or in their beds, crying—“Woe is me, but this is a wild night!”
And it was—it was—a wild night.—Who—o—o—op for the Battle won by the Wind!
And it was—it was—a wild night.—Who—o—o—op for the Battle won by the Wind!
On a bridge which spans a black, swollen, mightily rushing river. Dim lights twinkle along its great massive, girding, granite parapets. The wind sweeps over it, and roars in the arches below, and catches up the bright foam from the water, and rushes along with it, scattering the spray in white handfuls aloft, so that the passenger 219 who looks into the gulf from between the balustrades of carven stone which fence the footpath, shrinks to see the driving masses of blurred whiteness—the vexed surface of the waters torn up and carried along by the strong broad hands of the blast!
On a bridge that crosses a dark, swollen, fast-moving river, dim lights sparkle along its massive granite railings. The wind sweeps over it, roaring in the arches below, picking up the bright foam from the water and rushing along with it, scattering the spray in white handfuls into the air. A passenger 219 looking into the chasm between the carved stone balustrades on the footpath flinches at the sight of the swirling masses of blurred white—the troubled surface of the water being churned up and carried away by the powerful gusts!
Where a flickering lamp flashed and paled, and rose and fell within the streaming and storm-lashed crystal of its dripping prison, stood a woman—a woman, beautiful and alone. Black clusters of rain-drenched hair waved and streamed from her pale cheeks. Her garments were mean and sodden, and saturated with the storm; but her eye was bright and fierce, and burning with a fire not of this world—with a fire which once—when the western heaven opened, and the forked lightning leaped out into the darkness—confronted the fierce blaze—and gave it back glare for glare!
Where a flickering lamp flashed and faded, rising and falling within the streaming and storm-battered glass of its dripping confinement, stood a woman—beautiful and alone. Dark strands of rain-soaked hair waved and streamed from her pale cheeks. Her clothes were tattered and soaked, drenched by the storm; but her eyes were bright and intense, burning with a fire not from this world—with a fire that once—when the western sky opened, and the jagged lightning burst into the darkness—faced the fierce blaze and returned glare for glare!
She stood beneath the flickering lamp. For a moment only. The next she was erect upon the parapet—her arms extended—her drapery streaming free—like a bird that preens its plumage for a new flight—a flight into another world?
She stood under the flickering lamp. Just for a moment. The next, she was upright on the ledge—her arms outstretched—her fabric flowing freely—like a bird that preens its feathers for a new flight—a flight into another world?
Ha!—a voice! Yes—the woman’s—hark!
Ha!—a voice! Yes—the woman’s—listen!
What says it? The words—the last words—have gone forth; and as the dark form disappears from its granite resting-place—disappears into the black, howling, lashing gulf beneath—these words ring up and away into the air—being carried on the wings of the tempest whithersoever it will—these awful words—
What does it say? The words—the final words—have gone out; and as the dark figure fades from its granite resting place—vanishing into the dark, howling, raging abyss below—these words echo up and away into the air—riding on the wings of the storm wherever it takes them—these terrible words—
“Who—o—o—op for the Battle won by the Wind!”
“Whooooops for the Battle won by the Wind!”
Yes, yes—the wind of Passion—the breath of hopeless, homeless, heartless, Despair!
Yes, yes—the wind of Passion—the breath of hopeless, homeless, heartless Despair!
From The Puppet-Showman’s Album. Illustrated by Gavarni. London, no date.
From The Puppet-Showman’s Album. Illustrated by Gavarni. London, no date.
Amongst the Sensation Novels, so skilfully condensed by Bret Harte, is a humourous parody of the most popular of Charles Dickens’s Christmas books. In it the leading characteristics and failings are admirably hit off, not only of Dickens, but also of Scott, Charles Lever, Marryat, Fennimore Cooper, Hawthorne, and Thackeray, as will be seen from the following extracts:—
Among the Sensation Novels, skillfully condensed by Bret Harte, is a humorous parody of the most popular of Charles Dickens's Christmas stories. In it, the main traits and shortcomings of not just Dickens, but also Scott, Charles Lever, Marryat, Fennimore Cooper, Hawthorne, and Thackeray are brilliantly captured, as will be evident from the following extracts:—
The Haunted Man.
The Haunted Man.
A Christmas Story.
A Christmas Story.
Part I.
Part I.
THE FIRST PHANTOM.
The First Phantom.
Don’t tell me that it wasn’t a knocker. I had seen it often enough, and I ought to know. So ought the three o’clock beer, in dirty highlows, swinging himself over the railing, or executing a demoniacal jig upon the doorstep; so ought the butcher, although butchers as a general thing are scornful of such trifles; so ought the postman, to whom knockers of the most extravagant description were merely human weaknesses, that were to be pitied and used. And so ought, for the matter of that, etc., etc., etc.
Don’t tell me it wasn’t a knocker. I’d seen it enough times to know better. So should the guy at three o’clock, wearing dirty high-top shoes, swinging himself over the railing or doing a crazy dance on the doorstep; so should the butcher, although butchers usually look down on such little things; so should the postman, for whom the most outrageous knockers were just human flaws to be pitied and used. And so should, for that matter, etc., etc., etc.
But then it was such, a knocker. A wild, extravagant, and utterly incomprehensible knocker. A knocker so mysterious and suspicious that Policeman X 37, first coming upon it, felt inclined to take it instantly in custody, but compromised with his professional instincts by sharply and sternly noting it with an eye that admitted of no nonsense, but confidently expected to detect its secret yet. An ugly knocker; a knocker with a hard, human face, that was a type of the harder human face within. A human face that held between its teeth a brazen rod. So hereafter in the mysterious future should be held, etc., etc.
But then it was such, a knocker. A wild, extravagant, and completely baffling knocker. A knocker so mysterious and suspicious that Policeman X 37, upon first seeing it, felt like he should take it into custody immediately, but he compromised with his professional instincts by sharply and sternly observing it with an eye that allowed for no nonsense, yet confidently expected to uncover its secret eventually. An ugly knocker; a knocker with a tough, human face, which mirrored the tougher human face within. A human face that held between its teeth a brass rod. So from that point on, in the mysterious future should be held, etc., etc.
But if the knocker had a fierce human aspect in the glare of day, you should have seen it at night, when it peered out of the gathering shadows and suggested an ambushed figure; when the light of the street lamps fell upon it, and wrought a play of sinister expression in its hard outlines; when it seemed to wink meaningly at a shrouded figure who, as the night fell darkly, crept up the steps and passed into the mysterious house; when the swinging door disclosed a black passage into which the figure seemed to lose itself and become a part of the mysterious gloom; when the night grew boisterous and the fierce wind made furious charges at the knocker, as if to wrench it off and carry it away in triumph. Such a night as this.
But if the knocker looked fierce and human in the bright light of day, you should have seen it at night, when it emerged from the deepening shadows and hinted at an ambushed figure; when the street lamps cast their light on it, creating a play of sinister expressions in its harsh outlines; when it seemed to wink knowingly at a shadowy figure who, as night fell, crept up the steps and slipped into the mysterious house; when the swinging door revealed a dark passage that the figure seemed to vanish into, becoming part of the eerie gloom; when the night became wild and the fierce wind charged at the knocker, as if it wanted to rip it off and carry it away in victory. Such a night as this.
It was a wild and pitiless wind. A wind that had commenced life as a gentle country zephyr, but wandering through manufacturing towns had become demoralised, and reaching the city had plunged into extravagant dissipation and wild excesses. A roystering wind that indulged in Bacchanalian shouts on the street corners, that knocked off the hats from the heads of helpless passengers, and then fulfilled its duties by speeding away, like all young prodigals—to sea.
It was a fierce and ruthless wind. A wind that had started out as a gentle breeze in the countryside but, wandering through factory towns, had become disheartened, and upon reaching the city had fallen into reckless abandon and wild excess. A boisterous wind that reveled in raucous cheers on street corners, that knocked hats off unsuspecting passersby, and then did its duty by racing away, like all young spendthrifts—to the sea.
He sat alone in a gloomy library listening to the wind that roared in the chimney. Around him novels and storybooks were strewn thickly; in his lap he held one with its pages freshly cut, and turned the leaves wearily until his eyes rested upon a portrait in its frontispiece. And as the wind howled the more fiercely, and the darkness without fell blacker, a strange and fateful likeness to that portrait appeared above his chair and leaned upon his shoulder. The Haunted Man gazed at the portrait and sighed. The figure gazed at the portrait and sighed too.
He sat alone in a gloomy library, listening to the wind roaring in the chimney. Around him, novels and storybooks were scattered everywhere; in his lap, he held one with freshly cut pages, turning them wearily until his eyes landed on a portrait in the frontispiece. As the wind howled more fiercely and the darkness outside grew deeper, a strange and eerie resemblance to that portrait appeared above his chair and leaned on his shoulder. The Haunted Man looked at the portrait and sighed. The figure also looked at the portrait and sighed.
“Here again?” said the Haunted Man.
“Here again?” said the Haunted Man.
“Here again,” it repeated in a low voice.
“Back again,” it said quietly.
“Another novel?”
"Another book?"
“Another novel.”
“Another book.”
“The old story?”
“The classic story?”
“The old story.”
"The classic tale."
“I see a child,” said the Haunted Man, gazing from the pages of the book into the fire—“a most unnatural child, a model infant. It is prematurely old and philosophic. It dies in poverty to slow music. It dies surrounded by luxury to slow music. It dies with an accompaniment of golden water and rattling carts to slow music. Previous to its decease it makes a will; it repeats the Lord’s Prayer, it kisses the ‘boofer lady.’ That child——”
"I see a child," said the Haunted Man, looking from the pages of the book into the fire—"a very unnatural child, a perfect infant. It is wise beyond its years and almost too old for its age. It dies in poverty to a slow melody. It dies surrounded by riches to a slow melody. It dies with the sound of golden water and clattering carts to a slow melody. Before it passes away, it makes a will; it recites the Lord’s Prayer; it kisses the ‘boofer lady.’ That child——"
“Is mine,” said the phantom.
“It's mine,” said the ghost.
“I see a good woman, undersized. I see several charming women, but they are all undersized. They are more or less imbecile and idiotic, but always fascinating and undersized. They wear coquettish caps and aprons. I observe that feminine virtue is invariably below the medium height, and that it is always babyish and infantine. These women——”
“I see a good woman, petite. I see several charming women, but they’re all petite. They’re somewhat foolish and silly, but always captivating and petite. They wear flirty caps and aprons. I notice that feminine virtue is consistently below average height and always has a childish, innocent quality. These women——”
“Are mine.”
"Are mine."
“I see a haughty, proud, and wicked lady. She is tall and queenly. I remark that all proud and wicked women are tall and queenly. That woman——”
“I see a arrogant, proud, and nasty woman. She is tall and regal. I notice that all arrogant and nasty women are tall and regal. That woman——”
“Is mine,” said the phantom, wringing his hands.
“It's mine,” said the ghost, wringing his hands.
“I see several things continually impending. I observe that whenever an accident, a murder, or death is about to happen, there is something in the furniture, in the locality, in the atmosphere that foreshadows and suggests it years in advance. I cannot say that in real life I have noticed it—the perception of this surprising fact belongs——”
“I notice a lot of things that seem to be coming up. I see that whenever an accident, murder, or death is about to happen, there’s something in the furniture, in the place, or in the atmosphere that hints at it years ahead of time. I can’t say that I’ve noticed this in real life—the realization of this surprising fact belongs——”
220 “To me!” said the phantom. The Haunted Man continued, in a despairing tone:
220 “Here I am!” said the ghost. The Haunted Man went on, sounding hopeless:
“I see the influence of this in the magazines and daily papers: I see weak imitators rise up and enfeeble the world with senseless formula. I am getting tired of it. It won’t do, Charles! it won’t do!” and the Haunted Man buried his head in his hands and groaned. The figure looked down upon him sternly: the portrait in the frontispiece frowned as he gazed.
“I see the impact of this in the magazines and newspapers: I see weak imitators popping up and draining the world of meaning with their pointless clichés. I’m getting fed up with it. This isn’t acceptable, Charles! This just isn’t acceptable!” and the Haunted Man buried his head in his hands and groaned. The figure looked down at him sternly: the portrait in the frontispiece frowned as it stared.
“Wretched man,” said the phantom, “and how have these things affected you?”
“Wretched man,” said the ghost, “and how have these things impacted you?”
“Once I laughed and cried, but then I was younger. Now, I would forget them if I could.”
“Once I laughed and cried, but I was younger back then. Now, if I could, I would forget them.”
“Have then your wish. And take this with you, man whom I renounce. From this day henceforth you shall live with those whom I displace. Without forgetting me, ’twill be your lot to walk through life as if we had not met. But first you shall survey these scenes that henceforth must be yours. At one to-night prepare to meet the phantom I have raised. Farewell!”
“Make your wish come true. And take this with you, the man I’m giving up. From now on, you’ll live with those I’ve removed. Without forgetting me, you'll have to go through life as if we never met. But first, you should take a look at these places that will now belong to you. Tonight at one, be ready to meet the ghost I’ve conjured. Goodbye!”
The sound of its voice seemed to fade away with the dying wind, and the Haunted Man was alone. But the firelight flickered gaily, and the light danced on the walls, making grotesque figures of the furniture.
The sound of its voice seemed to fade away with the dying wind, and the Haunted Man was alone. But the firelight flickered cheerfully, and the light danced on the walls, creating strange shapes with the furniture.
“Ha, ha!” said the Haunted Man, rubbing his hands gleefully; “now for a whiskey punch and a cigar.”
“Ha, ha!” said the Haunted Man, rubbing his hands happily; “now for a whiskey punch and a cigar.”
Book II.
Book II
THE SECOND PHANTOM.
THE SECOND GHOST.
One! The stroke of the far-off bell had hardly died before the front door closed with a reverberating clang. Steps were heard along the passage; the library door swung open of itself, and the Knocker—yes, the Knocker—slowly strode into the room. The Haunted Man rubbed his eyes—no! there could be no mistake about it—it was the Knocker’s face, mounted on a misty, almost imperceptible body. The brazen rod was transferred from its mouth to its right hand, where it was held like a ghostly truncheon.
One! The sound of the distant bell had barely faded before the front door slammed shut with a loud bang. Footsteps echoed in the hallway; the library door opened on its own, and the Knocker—yes, the Knocker—slowly walked into the room. The Haunted Man rubbed his eyes—no! There could be no doubt about it—it was the Knocker’s face, perched on a foggy, almost invisible body. The metal rod shifted from its mouth to its right hand, where it was held like a spectral baton.
“It’s a cold evening,” said the Haunted Man.
“It’s a chilly evening,” said the Haunted Man.
“It is,” said the Goblin, in a hard, metallic voice.
“It is,” said the Goblin, in a cold, metallic voice.
“It must be pretty cold out there,” said the Haunted Man, with vague politeness. “Do you ever—will you—take some hot water and brandy?”
“It must be really cold out there,” said the Haunted Man, with a hint of politeness. “Do you ever—will you—have some hot water and brandy?”
“No,” said the Goblin.
"No," the Goblin replied.
“Perhaps you’d like it cold, by way of change?” continued the Haunted Man, correcting himself, as he remembered the peculiar temperature with which the Goblin was probably familiar.
“Maybe you’d prefer it cold for a change?” continued the Haunted Man, correcting himself as he recalled the strange temperature the Goblin was likely used to.
“Time flies,” said the Goblin coldly. “We have no leisure for idle talk. Come!” He moved his ghostly truncheon towards the window, and laid his hand upon the other’s arm. At his touch the body of the Haunted Man seemed to become as thin and incorporeal as that of the Goblin himself, and together they glided out of the window into the black and blowy night.
“Time flies,” said the Goblin coldly. “We don’t have time for pointless chatter. Come!” He waved his ghostly baton toward the window and placed his hand on the other’s arm. At his touch, the Haunted Man’s body seemed to become as thin and insubstantial as the Goblin's own, and together they glided out of the window into the dark, windy night.
In the rapidity of their flight the senses of the Haunted Man seemed to leave him. At length they stopped suddenly.
In the speed of their escape, the Haunted Man felt like his senses were fading away. Finally, they came to a sudden halt.
“What do you see?” asked the Goblin.
“What do you see?” asked the Goblin.
“I see a battlemented medieval castle. Gallant men in mail ride over the drawbridge, and kiss their gauntletted fingers to fair ladies, who wave their lily hands in return. I see fight and fray and tournament. I hear roaring heralds bawling the charms of delicate women, and shamelessly proclaiming their lovers. Stay. I see a Jewess about to leap from a battlement. I see knightly deeds, violence, rapine, and a good deal of blood. I’ve seen pretty much the same at Astley’s.”
“I see a fortified medieval castle. Brave men in armor ride over the drawbridge and kiss their gloved fingers to beautiful ladies, who wave their delicate hands in response. I see battles and tournaments. I hear loud heralds shouting the praises of lovely women and openly declaring their lovers. Wait. I see a Jewish woman about to jump from a battlement. I see chivalrous acts, violence, plunder, and a lot of blood. I’ve seen pretty much the same at Astley’s.”
“Look again.”
"Take another look."
“I see purple moors, glens, masculine women, barelegged men, priggish bookworms, more violence, physical excellence, and blood. Always blood—and the superiority of physical attainments.”
“I see purple moors, valleys, strong women, barelegged men, uptight bookworms, more violence, physical strength, and blood. Always blood—and the superiority of physical achievements.”
“And how do you feel now?” said the Goblin.
“And how do you feel now?” asked the Goblin.
The Haunted Man shrugged his shoulders.
The Haunted Man shrugged.
“None the better for being carried back and asked to sympathise with a barbarous age.”
“Not any better for being taken back and asked to sympathize with a brutal time.”
The Goblin smiled and clutched his arm; they again sped rapidly through the black night and again halted.
The Goblin smiled and held onto his arm; they quickly rushed through the dark night and then stopped again.
“What do you see?” said the Goblin.
“What do you see?” asked the Goblin.
“I see a barrack room, with a mess table, and a group of intoxicated Celtic officers telling funny stories, and giving challenges to duel. I see a young Irish gentleman capable of performing prodigies of valour. I learn incidentally that the acme of all heroism is the cornetcy of a dragoon regiment. I hear a good deal of French! No, thank you,” said the Haunted Man hurriedly, as he stayed the waving hand of the Goblin, “I would rather not go to the Peninsular, and don’t care to have a private interview with Napoleon.”
“I see a barrack room with a mess table, and a group of drunk Celtic officers telling funny stories and challenging each other to duels. I see a young Irish guy capable of incredible bravery. I learn that the pinnacle of all heroism is being a cornet in a dragoon regiment. I hear a lot of French! No, thanks,” said the Haunted Man quickly, as he stopped the waving hand of the Goblin, “I would rather not go to the Peninsula, and I’m not interested in having a private meeting with Napoleon.”
Again the Goblin flew away with the unfortunate man, and from a strange roaring below them, he judged they were above the ocean. A ship hove in sight, and the Goblin stayed its flight, “Look,” he said, squeezing his companion’s arm.
Again the Goblin flew off with the unfortunate man, and from the strange roaring beneath them, he guessed they were over the ocean. A ship appeared on the horizon, and the Goblin paused his flight. “Look,” he said, squeezing his companion’s arm.
The Haunted Man yawned. “Don’t you think, Charles, you’re rather running this thing into the ground? Of course, it’s very moral and instructive, and all that. But aint there a little too much pantomime about it! Come now!”
The Haunted Man yawned. “Don’t you think, Charles, you’re pushing this a bit too far? Sure, it’s very moral and educational, and all that. But isn’t there a bit too much theatrics involved? Come on!”
“Look!” repeated the Goblin, pinching his arm malevolently. The Haunted Man groaned.
“Look!” the Goblin repeated, pinching his arm wickedly. The Haunted Man groaned.
“Oh, of course, I see Her Majesty’s ship Arethusa. Of course I am familiar with her stern First Lieutenant, her eccentric Captain, her one fascinating, and several mischievous midshipmen. Of course, I know it’s a splendid thing to see all this, and not to be sea-sick. Oh, there the young gentlemen are going to play a trick on the purser. For God’s sake let us go,” and the unhappy man absolutely dragged the Goblin away with him.
“Oh, of course, I see Her Majesty’s ship Arethusa. Of course I know her stern First Lieutenant, her quirky Captain, her one intriguing midshipman, and several troublemaking midshipmen. Of course, I understand that it’s great to witness all this and not feel seasick. Oh, there are the young gentlemen about to pull a prank on the purser. For heaven’s sake, let’s go,” and the miserable man practically dragged the Goblin away with him.
* * * * *
Understood! Please provide the text you would like me to modernize.
The Haunted Man started, and—woke. The bright sunshine streamed into the room. The air was sparkling with frost. He ran joyously to the window and opened it. A small boy saluted him with “Merry Christmas.” The Haunted Man instantly gave him a Bank of England note. “How much like Tiny Tim, Tom and Bobby that boy looked—bless my soul, what a genius this Dickens has!”
The Haunted Man jolted awake. Bright sunlight flooded the room. The air was crisp with frost. He happily ran to the window and opened it. A little boy greeted him with “Merry Christmas.” The Haunted Man immediately handed him a Bank of England note. “That boy looks so much like Tiny Tim, Tom, and Bobby—goodness, what a genius this Dickens is!”
A knock at the door, and Boots entered.
A knock at the door, and Boots walked in.
“Consider your salary doubled instantly. Have you read David Copperfield?”
“Imagine your salary just got doubled. Have you read David Copperfield?”
“Yezzur.”
"Yes, sir."
“Your salary is quadrupled. What do you think of the Old Curiosity Shop?”
“Your salary is four times what it was. What do you think of the Old Curiosity Shop?”
The man instantly burst into a torrent of tears, and then into a roar of laughter.
The man immediately broke down in tears and then started laughing uncontrollably.
“Enough. Here are five thousand pounds. Open a porter-house, and call it ‘Our Mutual Friend.’ Huzza! I feel so happy!” And the Haunted Man danced about the room.
“Enough. Here are five thousand pounds. Open a steakhouse, and call it ‘Our Mutual Friend.’ Hooray! I feel so happy!” And the Haunted Man danced around the room.
And so, bathed in the light of that blessed sun, and yet glowing with the warmth of a good action, the Haunted Man, haunted no longer, save by those shapes which make the dreams of children beautiful, reseated himself in his chair, and finished Our Mutual Friend.
And so, filled with the brightness of that wonderful sun, and also warmed by a good deed, the Haunted Man, no longer haunted except by the images that make children's dreams beautiful, settled back in his chair and finished Our Mutual Friend.
“Sensation Novels,” first introduced to the British public by the late John Camden Hotten in 1871, has been since republished by Ward, Lock & Co., London.
“Sensation Novels,” first introduced to the British public by the late John Camden Hotten in 1871, has since been republished by Ward, Lock & Co., London.
Part the Best and Last.
Best and Final Part.
CHAPTER I.
CHAPTER I.
It was ten o’clock! In the morning! The Easterly sun came down bright upon busy streets and grimy thoroughfares, and quiet places in the far off country. It was eleven o’clock! In the morning! The sun lighted up city churches and the broad river, and shone into death chambers, in houses at the doors of which stood mutes. It was twelve o’clock! Noon! Broad, bright, unwinking noon! The sun gleamed on many roofs—and on market gardens in the suburbs, and on potato cans in the streets, and into the counting house of Dombey and Son.
It was ten o’clock! In the morning! The Easterly sun shone brightly on busy streets and dirty roads, and on quiet places in the distant countryside. It was eleven o’clock! In the morning! The sun lit up city churches and the wide river, and streamed into rooms where people were dying, in houses with silent mourners at the doors. It was twelve o’clock! Noon! Bright, glaring, unblinking noon! The sun sparkled on many roofs—and on market gardens in the suburbs, and on potato cans in the streets, and into the office of Dombey and Son.
The clerks worked noiselessly that day—almost breathlessly. Many pens scratched on the paper, and yet no word was spoken. For Carker was there! Carker the smooth, the oily—the velvetty—the sly.
The clerks worked quietly that day—almost without a sound. Many pens scratched on the paper, but not a word was said. Because Carker was there! Carker the smooth, the slick—the velvety—the sly.
The sun gleamed through the window panes—it fell on Carker—and on Carker’s teeth. And still it gleamed—still it sparkled after the glass door had noiselessly opened, and before Carker was seen standing the form—the stately—cold—wifeless—childless form of Mr. Dombey!
The sun shone through the window panes—it fell on Carker—and on Carker’s teeth. And it continued to shine—still sparkling after the glass door had silently opened, revealing the figure—the proud—emotionless—childless—form of Mr. Dombey!
There was a long pause. You could have heard all the pens going in the outer office. A long pause—long—very—very long. Carker spoke first, and when he spoke he seemed all teeth—white glistening teeth—like a shark of smooth tongue and oily address—accustomed to good society.
There was a long pause. You could hear all the pens in the outer office. A long pause—long—very—very long. Carker spoke first, and when he did, he seemed all teeth—white, glistening teeth—like a shark with a smooth tongue and slick manner—used to being around high society.
“Mr. Dombey—I delight to see you—I feel honoured—much honoured—deeply honoured—by this visit.”
“Mr. Dombey—I’m thrilled to see you—I feel honored—very honored—truly honored—by this visit.”
There was another pause—longer than the first—Oh, yes! much longer! Eight minutes longer!
There was another pause—longer than the first—Oh, yes! way longer! Eight minutes longer!
And Mr. Dombey drew himself up—up! High! higher! like the Genie in the Arabian Tales, till it appeared (to the eye of Perch which eye happened to be accidentally applied at the keyhole)—that the top of Mr. Dombey’s hat had touched—nay lifted off the roof of the counting house of Dombey and Son.
And Mr. Dombey straightened himself up—up! High! higher!—like the Genie in the Arabian Tales, until it looked (from Perch’s viewpoint, which happened to be accidentally peering through the keyhole) as if the top of Mr. Dombey’s hat had brushed against—or even lifted off—the roof of the Dombey and Son counting house.
“Ha!” said Mr. Dombey, and Perch being frightened fell backwards upon a nail, and the pens in the outer office stopped.
“Ha!” Mr. Dombey said, and Perch, getting scared, fell back onto a nail, causing the pens in the outer office to stop.
“Ha! ha!” said Mr. Dombey—“here—come here—all of you,—and learn how to crush a viper.”
“Ha! Ha!” said Mr. Dombey—“come here—all of you—and see how to deal with a viper.”
The clerks came accordingly—thronging about the door—with white faces and clenched hands—excepting Robinson, who was of a merry turn of mind, and who said audibly “here’s a lark.”
The clerks showed up as expected—crowding around the door—with pale faces and clenched fists—except for Robinson, who had a cheerful attitude and said out loud, “here’s a lark.”
“Thus”—said Mr. Dombey, “thus it is I crush a viper.” His wild, big, grey eyes were fixed, yet flashing,—his long gaunt form worked and quivered like a galvanized corpse,—his face was as the face of a roasting demon!
“Thus”—said Mr. Dombey, “this is how I crush a viper.” His wild, large, gray eyes were locked in place yet flashing—his long, thin body moved and trembled like a jolted corpse—his face looked like that of a burning demon!
Nobody saw anything of Carker but his teeth: yet from these teeth issued a hissing sound of “now.”
Nobody saw anything of Carker except for his teeth: yet from these teeth came a hissing sound of “now.”
Could it be? It could! It was! Four policemen sprung from under the table and held four staffs up to Mr. Dombey’s nose!
Could it be? It could! It was! Four police officers jumped out from under the table and held four clubs up to Mr. Dombey’s nose!
“Now,” said the Teeth, “remove that man.”
“Now,” said the Teeth, “get rid of that guy.”
Dombey stood like a statue carved out of Parian marble, but dressed in a hat, coat, pantaloons, wellingtons, and other minor articles of costume. He waved his hand and the constables fell back.
Dombey stood like a statue made of fine marble, but he was dressed in a hat, coat, trousers, boots, and other small pieces of clothing. He waved his hand, and the police officers stepped aside.
“Remove me—remove Dombey from the counting house of Dombey and Son?”
“Take me out—take Dombey out of the Dombey and Son office?”
These were the only words he spoke; then his tongue clave unto the roof or ceiling of his mouth.
These were the only words he said; then his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth.
The Teeth spoke not—but they held up a board, a white painted board, such as may be seen at the doors of merchants’ offices. All started. For on the board was painted:—
The Teeth didn't say anything—but they held up a sign, a white painted sign, like the ones you see at the entrances of stores. Everyone stopped. Because on the sign was written:—
CARKER. LATE DOMBEY AND SON.
Carker. Late Dombey and Son.
“Mine”—hissed the Teeth—“mine—all is mine Dombey! Dombey! you have fallen! Dombey—you’re a beggar! Dombey—here’s a penny for you! Dombey—move on!”
“Mine”—hissed the Teeth—“mine—all is mine Dombey! Dombey! you’ve fallen! Dombey—you’re a beggar! Dombey—here’s a penny for you! Dombey—move on!”
A pause. Dombey as motionless as the figure-head of a stranded ship.
A pause. Dombey was as still as the figurehead of a beached ship.
“You left me to manage your business—you did.—I managed it—ha! ha! ha!—till I made it mine! mine! ha! ha! Take the penny, Dombey! take it, that’s a good man, and go! go! go!”
“You left me to run your business—you did.—I ran it—ha! ha! ha!—until I made it mine! Mine! ha! ha! Take the penny, Dombey! Take it, that’s a good man, and go! Go! Go!”
“No!”
“Nope!”
“No”—was it an echo? More actors on the scene? Aye. More! more!
“No”—was that an echo? More actors on the scene? Yeah. More! More!
The old woman—the old woman and the handsome daughter!—Edith’s counterpart—Edith in rags—Edith an outcast—Edith—Edith—Still—Still, Edith.
The old woman—the old woman and the beautiful daughter!—Edith’s double—Edith in torn clothes—Edith the outcast—Edith—Edith—Still—Still, Edith.
Oh! how the Teeth chattered—the Teeth—they did—as the lightening of that outcast’s eye flashed—and the cataract of that outcast’s hair streamed, and the trumpet of that outcast’s voice rang and re-echoed in God’s sunshine!
Oh! how the teeth chattered—they really did—as the lightning in that outcast’s eye flashed—and the waterfall of that outcast’s hair flowed, and the trumpet of that outcast’s voice rang out and echoed in God’s sunshine!
“Forger—Felon—Murderer! Ha! ha! ha! The hour is come—it is!”
“Forger—Criminal—Murderer! Ha! ha! ha! The time has come—it is!”
And the old crone screamed in chorus “Felon!—it is!”
And the old woman screamed in unison, “Criminal!—it is!”
And where was Carker?
And where was Carker at?
On the floor in a strong fit. Smitten—smitten—in his pride and his power. Smitten by the voice of the woman he had ruined—the woman he had tried to hang.—Now it was her turn! It was!
On the floor, in great shape. Smitten—smitten—by his pride and his power. Smitten by the voice of the woman he had destroyed—the woman he had tried to kill. Now it was her turn! It really was!
The policemen were gentle and not rough. They lifted the fallen man and took him away. Perch saw handcuffs on the manager’s wrists.
The police officers were gentle and not aggressive. They picked up the fallen man and carried him away. Perch noticed handcuffs on the manager’s wrists.
Then the counting house was locked up and seals put upon the doors. A great crowd stood long opposite to it. In the midst, Mr. Perch found Dombey with Carker’s penny still in his hand, and so led him away gently and gave him shelter at Ball’s-pond.
Then the counting house was locked up and seals were placed on the doors. A large crowd gathered for a long time in front of it. In the middle of this, Mr. Perch saw Dombey holding Carker’s penny and gently led him away, providing him shelter at Ball’s-pond.
CHAPTER II.
CHAPTER 2
“Ding-a-dong—a-ding-dong—ding-dong-boum.” Joy-bells—joy—for the wedding! the wedding! Ha! And at the Wooden Midshipman’s! Cap’en Cuttle was magnificent. He had had his hook polished with black lead, and looked himself as radiant as his hook—aye as radiant as he did, when, undressing the night before old Sol Gills tumbled into the garret through the skylight. Where had that old man been! Where—indeed where?
“Ding-a-dong—a-ding-dong—ding-dong-boum.” Joy bells—joy—for the wedding! The wedding! Ha! And at the Wooden Midshipman’s! Captain Cuttle was looking great. He had polished his hook with black lead and looked as bright as his hook—yeah, as bright as he did when, undressing the night before, old Sol Gills fell into the garret through the skylight. Where had that old man been! Where—indeed where?
It was the question Cap’en Cuttle put—and in these terms.
It was the question Captain Cuttle asked—and in these words.
“Whereby and awast—keep her head to the wind, and when kitched make a note on. Therefore—if so—say so—what’s in the log? Let dogs delight to bark and fight—for which see Dibdin—therefore—stand by it is—and that steady.”
“By the way, keep her head into the wind, and when anchored, make a note of it. So—if that’s the case—say so—what’s in the log? Let dogs enjoy barking and fighting—check out Dibdin for that—so—stand by, it is—and hold steady.”
Thus solemnly adjured Gills spoke—
Gills solemnly swore—
“Where I have been—and what I have been doing” the old man said “is nothink to nobody.”
“Where I've been—and what I've been up to,” the old man said, “is nothing to anyone.”
Ding-dong-bell—ding-a-dong—a-ding-dong! The wedding at the Wooden Midshipman! It was on the very day, almost at the very hour that the house of Dombey and Son was shut up, that the wedding party left the Wooden Midshipman. And did he not look happy—that Wooden Midshipman? A credible person, a Beadle, avers that the timber face smiled and the 222 timber lips shouted a loud “Hooray” in cadence with those joy-bells which still rung merrily from the grey towers of St. Koweld-without. Aye, and so they rang when, before the altar, stood Old Gills with a radiant countenance and flowing tears—and Captain Cuttle with a prayer-book in his hand (in order to check the parson and keep him right) and his silver chronometer hung on his hook “whereby to see fair play to all—awast and belay”—and Susan Nipper shedding tears indefatigably—and Wall’r and Florence.
Ding-dong-bell—ding-a-dong—a-ding-dong! The wedding at the Wooden Midshipman! It was on the very day, almost at the very hour that the house of Dombey and Son was closed, that the wedding party left the Wooden Midshipman. And didn’t he look happy—that Wooden Midshipman? A reliable person, a Beadle, insists that the wooden face smiled and the wooden lips shouted a loud “Hooray” in time with those joyful bells that still rang cheerfully from the grey towers of St. Koweld-without. Yes, and so they rang when, before the altar, stood Old Gills with a beaming face and tears streaming down—and Captain Cuttle with a prayer book in his hand (to keep the parson in check and ensure he stayed on track) and his silver chronometer hanging from his hook “to ensure fair play for all—awast and belay”—and Susan Nipper shedding tears endlessly—and Wall’r and Florence.
The sun was in the heavens! But lo! through the stained glass, amid the saints and angels—gorgeous on that chancel window—fell its blessing light! Walter Gay and his bride stood hoping in the sun-shine!
The sun was in the sky! But look! Through the stained glass, among the saints and angels—beautiful on that chancel window—fell its blessing light! Walter Gay and his bride stood hopeful in the sunshine!
“Wilt thou take this woman to be thy wedded wife?”
“Will you take this woman to be your wedded wife?”
“Of course—no—that is—oh dear—dear—I beg pardon—its of no consequence—none in the least—don’t mind me,” ejaculated a voice from a dimly seen pew beneath the organ.
“Of course—no—that is—oh dear—dear—I’m so sorry—it's not a big deal—really not at all—don’t worry about me,” a voice called out from a barely visible pew under the organ.
Thither repaired the Beadle full of wrath—and found the unhappy Toots fainting on a hassock. But the Game Chicken advancing, doubled the Beadle up—carried off Mr. Toots—deposited him in a patent safety, and conducted him—for the improvement and development of his mind, to see three hundred rats killed in five minutes, by a terrier much famed in Whitechapel.
The Beadle stormed over, full of anger, and found the unfortunate Toots fainting on a cushion. But the Game Chicken stepped in, took down the Beadle, carried off Mr. Toots, and brought him—so he could improve and develop his mind—to watch three hundred rats get killed in five minutes by a terrier famously known in Whitechapel.
So the sun had not begun to descend towards the west—ere the marriage party left the church, and—Wall’r and Florence, now Mr. and Mrs. Gay leading them on—took their way towards London-bridge.
So the sun hadn’t started to set in the west when the wedding party left the church, and Wall'r and Florence, now Mr. and Mrs. Gay, led them toward London Bridge.
CHAPTER III.
CHAPTER III.
In a spacious room—sat Edith! In a spacious room—richly furnished—but dim—dim—as her aching soul. Gorgeous curtains shut out the light—the blessed light! It fell on all alike—that day—on the infant in his cradle—on the dead man in his coffin. On the kennel—on the palace—on Dombey straying away from Ball’s-pond—on Perch looking after him fruitlessly (in public houses). On Mr. and Mrs. Gay, and the Captain and Gills—all on the steamer’s deck going to eat the marriage feast at a pleasant suburban tavern called the Red House, Battersea—on Toots in the patent safety—on Carker with the teeth, in a cell of Newgate. On all—on all! But on Mrs. Dombey. There, there was darkness—darkness in the air—darkness in the soul—darkness in the light! Dim—aching—lonely—alone! Alone! but for her fearful thoughts! Which haunted her! Spectres—looming ghastly gray in the gloom! Spectres with rods and serpents! Gnawing in her soul—like unblessed things potent for evil and foul thoughts, and things accursed of man! Out—out—awful shadows!
In a spacious room sat Edith! In a spacious room—richly furnished—but dim—dim—as her aching soul. Beautiful curtains blocked the light—the precious light! It shone on everyone that day—on the baby in his crib—on the deceased man in his coffin. On the doghouse—on the palace—on Dombey wandering away from Ball’s-pond—on Perch trying to follow him unsuccessfully (in pubs). On Mr. and Mrs. Gay, the Captain, and Gills—all on the steamer’s deck heading to enjoy the wedding feast at a nice suburban tavern called the Red House, Battersea—on Toots in the patent safety—on Carker with the teeth, in a Newgate cell. On everyone—on everyone! But on Mrs. Dombey, there was darkness—darkness in the air—darkness in the soul—darkness in the light! Dim—aching—lonely—alone! Alone! except for her fearful thoughts! That haunted her! Spectres—looming ghastly gray in the gloom! Spectres with rods and serpents! Gnawing at her soul—like cursed things strong for evil and foul thoughts, and things damned by man! Go away—go away—awful shadows!
But she sat there—rigid—unmoved. The mortal and the immortal. Edith and the shadows!
But she sat there—still—unmoved. The mortal and the immortal. Edith and the shadows!
Suddenly a voice arose—cleaving the darkness—She listened—mechanically.
Suddenly, a voice broke through the darkness—She listened—automatically.
“A full, true, and particular account of the harrest of Mister Carker of the ’ouse of Dombey and Son in the City on three distinct charges hof forgery, perjury, and murder all for the small charge of one halfpenny.”
“A complete, accurate, and detailed account of the arrest of Mr. Carker of the house of Dombey and Son in the City on three separate charges of forgery, perjury, and murder, all for the minor sum of one halfpenny.”
She fell on her knees, That erring woman—on her knees and her hands were uplifted, and on the bright face—tense and passion strung—played strange awful thoughts!
She dropped to her knees, that misguided woman—on her knees with her hands raised, and on her bright face—tense and full of emotion—strange, terrible thoughts played out!
The shadows gathered round her!
The shadows surrounded her!
Her head drooped—dropped until with a sudden clash the marble forehead smote the floor.
Her head drooped—fell until suddenly her marble forehead hit the floor.
Still the shadows gathered round her! There was silence—but the low deep roar of humanity—the surges of the million-peopled city—spoke voiceless things in the summer air.
Still the shadows gathered around her! There was silence—but the low, deep roar of humanity—the surges of the million-strong city—spoke silent truths in the summer air.
Listen to the music?
Hear the music?
The shadows listened!
The shadows listened!
Edith lay on the floor beneath the music and the shadows! When the people of the house came, they found her——asleep!
Edith lay on the floor beneath the music and the shadows! When the people of the house came, they found her—asleep!
“Ding-a-dong-a-ding-dong.” The echoes of the joy bells rung in the ears of the wedding party, even after they had got by steamer—as far as Hungerford. They were still there—lying close to the wooden pier—when there was a great outcry and a confusion, and many shouts of “He’s in—he’s in—a man in the river.” But the Cap’en was all presence of mind.—He saw the struggling form! and clambering down to the water by the paddle-wheel—with his hook—hooked it out. It was Dombey!
“Ding-a-dong-a-ding-dong.” The sound of the joyful bells rang in the ears of the wedding party, even after they had traveled by steamer as far as Hungerford. They were still there—lying close to the wooden pier—when there was a sudden outcry and confusion, with many shouts of “He’s in—he’s in—a man in the river.” But the Captain was completely composed. He spotted the struggling figure and climbed down to the water by the paddle-wheel—using his hook, he pulled him out. It was Dombey!
CHAPTER IV.
CHAPTER IV.
Walter Gay is now the head of the old city house of Dombey and Son.
Walter Gay is now in charge of the old city business of Dombey and Son.
Carker was hanged; and the Charitable Grinder was transported for picking Joey Bagstock’s pocket on that melancholy occasion.
Carker was executed, and the Charitable Grinder was sent away for stealing Joey Bagstock’s wallet on that sad day.
Mr. Toots, under the tuition of the Game Chicken, set up for a sporting character—took in twelve dozen copies of Bell’s Life every week, and read them all one after the other.
Mr. Toots, guided by the Game Chicken, was aiming for a sporty vibe—he subscribed to twelve dozen copies of Bell’s Life every week and read them all one after another.
The old woman and the handsome daughter are frequent guests at the Mansion House—where they are usually charged with breaking from 35 to 89 panes of glass in the West London Union.
The old woman and her attractive daughter often visit the Mansion House, where they are usually accused of breaking between 35 and 89 panes of glass in the West London Union.
The Game Chicken espoused Mrs. Pipchin, and the young couple set up a public-house called the “Peruvian Mines,” where Miss Tox is barmaid.
The Game Chicken married Mrs. Pipchin, and the young couple opened a pub called the “Peruvian Mines,” where Miss Tox works as a barmaid.
The Cap’en got a medal from the Humane Society for saving Dombey. He always carries it on his hook. Captain Bunsby married Mrs. Macstinger.
The Captain received a medal from the Humane Society for saving Dombey. He always carries it on his hook. Captain Bunsby married Mrs. Macstinger.
As for Dombey, he took to drinking at first—and then to being a church-rate martyr. He has since, however, become a reformed character, and is now a clerk in a saving’s bank at 18s. a-week. Occasionally, however, he and Perch have something comfortable together.
As for Dombey, he started off drinking—and then became a church-rate martyr. However, he has since turned his life around and is now a clerk at a savings bank earning £18 a week. Occasionally, he and Perch enjoy a nice time together.
And what of Edith—erring, beauteous, haughty, impassioned Edith. She, too, was repentant. At first she officiated as a pew-opener at a very fashionable chapel. But here she was persecuted by Major Bagstock and Cousin Feenix—both of whom used to squeeze her hand when she showed them into pews. At length she retired from the world, and now gets up fine linen at Tooting.
And what about Edith—imperfect, beautiful, proud, passionate Edith? She was also regretful. At first, she worked as a pew-opener at a very trendy chapel. But there, she was harassed by Major Bagstock and Cousin Feenix—both of whom would squeeze her hand when she showed them to their seats. Eventually, she withdrew from society and now makes fine linens in Tooting.
As for Joey B. and Cousin Feenix they challenged each other with respect to Mrs. Dombey. Neither of them, however, appeared at the place of mortal combat, and neither has been seen, nor heard of since.
As for Joey B. and Cousin Feenix, they challenged each other regarding Mrs. Dombey. However, neither of them showed up for the fight, and no one has seen or heard from them since.
From The Man in the Moon, Edited by Angus B. Reach. Volume III. London, no date, but about 1848-9.
From The Man in the Moon, Edited by Angus B. Reach. Volume III. London, no date, but around 1848-9.
Our Miscellany (which ought to have come out, but didn’t); edited by E. H. Yates and R. B. Brough, and published by G. Routledge & Co., London, in 1856, contained several prose parodies, and amongst them one upon Charles Dickens. This was written by Brough, and 223 consisted of three chapters, of which it will suffice to quote the first:
Our Collection (which was supposed to be published, but never was); edited by E. H. Yates and R. B. Brough, and published by G. Routledge & Co., London, in 1856, included several prose parodies, one of which was about Charles Dickens. This parody was written by Brough and 223 had three chapters, of which we can quote the first:
By Charles Diggins.
By Charles Diggins.
CHAPTER XXXV.
CHAPTER 35.
They coovered poor Stephen Blackpool’s face!
They covered poor Stephen Blackpool's face!
The crowd from the Old Hell Shaft pressed around him. Mr. Gradgrind ran to look at the sufferer’s face, but in doing so, he trod on a daisy. He wept: and a hundred and sixty more of his hairs turned gray. He would tread on no more daisies!
The crowd from the Old Hell Shaft gathered around him. Mr. Gradgrind rushed over to see the person’s face, but in the process, he stepped on a daisy. He cried, and a hundred and sixty more of his hairs turned gray. He would step on no more daisies!
He was not, however, to be baulked in his humble, honest purpose of self-reform. As he passed over the common, a donkey kicked him. It reminded him that facts were stubborn things: and he had done with facts and stubbornness. He wept again.
He wasn’t going to be stopped in his genuine, honest goal of self-improvement. As he walked across the common, a donkey kicked him. It reminded him that reality is tough: and he was done with reality and tough situations. He cried again.
“Rachel, beloved lass, art thou by me?”
“Rachel, dear girl, are you with me?”
“Ay, Stephen; how dost thou feel?”
“Hey, Stephen; how do you feel?”
“Hoomble and happy, lass. I be grateful and thankful. I be obliged to them as have brought charges o’ robbery agin me; an’ I hope as them as did it will be happy an’ enjoy the fruits. I do only look on my being pitched down that theer shaft, and having all my bones broke, as a mercy and a providence, and God bless ev’rybody!”
“Humble and happy, girl. I am grateful and thankful. I am indebted to those who have accused me of robbery; and I hope those who did it will be happy and enjoy the rewards. I only see being tossed down that shaft and having all my bones broken as a mercy and a blessing, and God bless everyone!”
“Stephen, your head be a wandering.”
“Stephen, you're distracted.”
“Ay, lass; awlus a muddle.”
“Yeah, girl; always a mess.”
“Will you take anything, Stephen?”
“Are you going to take anything, Stephen?”
“I do hoombly thank thee for a good and trew lass thou hast awlus been to me; and I dunnot care if I do take a little soomut warm—wi’ a little sugar.”
“I sincerely thank you for being a good and true girl you have always been to me; and I don’t mind if I do have a little something warm—with a little sugar.”
The sobered man had still credit at the neighbouring tavern. In two seconds he appeared with a steaming glass of rum-and-water, scarcely stopping to sip it by the way.
The sober man still had credit at the nearby bar. Within two seconds, he showed up with a steaming glass of rum and water, barely pausing to take a sip along the way.
“Can thou drink rum, Stephen?” asked Rachel, taking the tumbler from the hands of the sobered man for fear of accidents.
“Can you drink rum, Stephen?” asked Rachel, taking the tumbler from the hands of the sober man to avoid any accidents.
“I do hoombly and kindly thank thee, lass,” said poor Stephen; “I can drink anything.”
“I humbly and kindly thank you, girl,” said poor Stephen; “I can drink anything.”
Rachel placed the goblet to his parched and quivering lips.
Rachel brought the goblet to his dry and trembling lips.
There was a moment of breathless silence. Mr. Bounderby rattled three-and-sixpence in his breeches pocket, and finding that his ostentation was unnoticed, kicked a little boy down the Old Hell Shaft. Mr. Gradgrind purchased a pennyworth of violets from a blue-eyed flower-girl, and true to his new and trusting creed, accepted two counterfeit farthings as change for a sovereign without looking at them. The Whelp glared fiercely at the rum-and-water, and barked.
There was a moment of tense silence. Mr. Bounderby jingled three-and-sixpence in his pocket, and realizing that no one was paying attention to his show-off moves, kicked a little boy down the Old Hell Shaft. Mr. Gradgrind bought a penny's worth of violets from a blue-eyed flower girl, and staying true to his new and trusting beliefs, accepted two fake farthings as change for a sovereign without checking them. The Whelp glared angrily at the rum-and-water and barked.
Stephen drank it, every drop. Finished. Down to the dregs. No heel-taps.
Stephen drank it all, every last drop. Finished. Down to the bottom. No leftover sips.
“I do hoombly thank thee, Rachel, good and trew lass as thou hast been to me; but I do feel much better.”
“I sincerely thank you, Rachel, kind and true girl, for all you've done for me; but I feel much better now.”
“Oh, here!” Mr. Bounderby blustered forward: “I’m not going to stand this. If a man suspected of robbing Josiah Bounderby, of Coketown’s Bank, is to feel ‘much better,’ I should like to know what’s the use of Old Hell Shafts. There’s a touch of the gold-spoon game in that; and I’m up to the gold-spoon game—rather! And it wont go down with Josiah Bounderby. Of Coketown. Not exactly. Here! Where’s a constable?”
“Oh, come on!” Mr. Bounderby stormed forward. “I’m not going to take this. If a guy suspected of robbing Josiah Bounderby, of Coketown’s Bank, gets to feel ‘much better,’ I’d like to know what’s the point of Old Hell Shafts. There’s something fishy about that; and I know the score—believe me! And it’s not going to fly with Josiah Bounderby. Of Coketown. Not at all. Hey! Where’s a cop?”
There was none. Of course not. There never is, when wanted.
There wasn’t any. Of course not. There never is when you need it.
Mrs. Sparsit and Bitzer pressed officiously forward, and volunteered to take Stephen into custody.
Mrs. Sparsit and Bitzer stepped forward with unnecessary urgency and offered to take Stephen into custody.
“Shame!” cried the populace.
“Shame!” yelled the crowd.
“Oh, I daresay,” said Mr. Bounderby; “I’m a self-made man, and, having made myself, am not likely to be ashamed of anything. There, take him along.”
“Oh, I must say,” said Mr. Bounderby; “I’m a self-made man, and since I made myself, I’m not likely to be ashamed of anything. There, take him away.”
There was a movement, as if for a rescue. The sobered man had been sober quite long enough without a fight, and tucked up his sleeves.
There was a shift, as if someone was coming to help. The sober man had been clear-headed for quite a while without any conflict, and he rolled up his sleeves.
Stephen prevented this explosion.
Stephen stopped this explosion.
“Noa, lads,” he said, in his meek broken voice; “dunnot try to resky me. I be fond o’ constables. I like going to prison. As for hard labour, I ha’ been used to that long enough. Wi’ regard to law—it’s awlus a muddle.”
“No, guys,” he said, in his soft, broken voice; “don’t try to rescue me. I actually like cops. I enjoy going to jail. As for hard labor, I’ve been used to that long enough. When it comes to the law—it’s always a mess.”
“Off with him!” said Mr. Bounderby. “When I used to commit robberies, I never had any rum-and-water given to me. No, nor didn’t talk about muddles. And I’m worth sixty thousand pounds, and have got ladies of family—ladies of family;”—he raised his voice to call attention to Mrs. Sparsit, who was ambling gently along with the submissive Stephen on her august shoulders—“acting as beasts of burden for me. Come up, madam!” and he gave Mrs. Sparsit a gentle touch of his whip, causing that high-nosed lady to prance a little.
“Get him out of here!” said Mr. Bounderby. “When I used to rob people, nobody ever offered me any rum-and-water. No, and I didn’t complain about problems. I’m worth sixty thousand pounds, and I have respectable ladies—respectable ladies;”—he raised his voice to get Mrs. Sparsit’s attention, who was walking gracefully with the obedient Stephen on her dignified shoulders—“Come here, madam!” and he gave Mrs. Sparsit a light tap with his whip, making that proud lady jump a little.
They moved on, towards Coketown. The lights were beginning to blink through the fog. Like winking. The seven o’clock bells were ringing. Like one o’clock. Suddenly the tramp of horses and the fierce barking of a dog were heard.
They continued on, heading towards Coketown. The lights were starting to flicker through the fog. Like winking. The seven o’clock bells were ringing. Like one o’clock. Suddenly, the sound of horses' hooves and the intense barking of a dog were heard.
With a wild cry, Sissy recognised Sleary’s company galloping towards them—all mounted; Mr. Sleary himself, grown much stouter, on his wonderful trained Arab steed, Bolivar; J. W. B. Childers, who had apparently not had time to change his dress, as the Indian warrior on the celebrated spotted Pegasus of the Caucasus; Kidderminster following, on the comic performing donkey, Jerusalem.
With a wild shout, Sissy recognized Sleary’s group rushing towards them—all on horseback; Mr. Sleary himself, now much heavier, on his amazing trained Arabian horse, Bolivar; J. W. B. Childers, who seemed to have had no time to change his outfit, like the Indian warrior on the famous spotted Pegasus of the Caucasus; and Kidderminster trailing behind on the funny performing donkey, Jerusalem.
A dog, far in advance of the horse-riders, dashed amongst the astonished crowd, and singling out Mr. Bounderby, seized him by the scruff of the neck.
A dog, way ahead of the horse-riders, sprinted through the surprised crowd and, picking out Mr. Bounderby, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck.
“Thath wight, Mewwylegth,” cried Mr. S., coming up panting (in addition to his former lisp, advancing age had afflicted him with a difficulty in pronouncing his r’s). “Thath the vewy identical cove: pin him! Good dog!”
“That's right, Mewlly,” shouted Mr. S., catching his breath (besides his usual lisp, getting older had made it hard for him to say his r’s). “That’s the very same guy: get him! Good boy!”
“Help! murder!” cried the bully of humility, struggling with the animal. “Will you see a man worth sixty thousand pounds devoured by a dog?”
“Help! Murder!” shouted the arrogant one, wrestling with the animal. “Are you really going to let a man worth sixty thousand pounds be eaten by a dog?”
The prospect seemed to afford the bystanders considerable satisfaction.
The scene seemed to give the onlookers a lot of satisfaction.
“Ith no uthe, Thquire,” said Sleary, calmly; “the dog wont let go hith hold of you;” and he added, in a hissing voice, “ith Jupeth dog!”
“Ith no uthe, Thquire,” said Sleary, calmly; “the dog won't let go of you;” and he added, in a hissing voice, “ith Jupeth dog!”
“It’s a lie,” Bounderby faltered; “I didn’t murder him—he did it himself. I never saw the man. He hit me first. I never spoke to a clown in my life. Tear this hound off.”
“It’s a lie,” Bounderby stammered; “I didn’t kill him—he did it himself. I’ve never seen the guy. He hit me first. I’ve never talked to a clown in my life. Get this hound off me.”
“Quite enough, Thquire,” said Sleary. “I call on everybody in the Queenth name to athitht me in arethting 224 thith man, Jothiah Bounderby, for the murder of my clown, Jupe, thickthteen yearth ago.”
“That's enough, Thquire,” Sleary said. “I call on everyone in the Queen's name to assist me in arresting this man, Jothiah Bounderby, for the murder of my clown, Jupe, thirteen years ago.”
Sissy fainted into the Whelp’s arms. From that moment the latter quadruped resolved to lead a virtuous life.
Sissy fainted into the Whelp’s arms. From that moment on, the Whelp decided to live a good life.
Mrs. Sparsit and Bitzer, with the alacrity of timeservers, released Stephen, and seized on their former patron. Stephen slipped quietly away in the confusion of the moment, remarking, with a wink of satisfaction to Rachel, “Awlus a muddle!”
Mrs. Sparsit and Bitzer, eager to please, let Stephen go and focused on their former employer. Stephen quietly slipped away in the chaos, giving Rachel a satisfied wink and saying, “Always a mess!”
Merrylegs retained his hold on his victim’s throat. Like a vice.
Merrylegs kept his grip on his victim's throat. Like a vice.
“Murder!” cried Bounderby! “release me from this dog, or demon, and I will confess all.”
“Murder!” shouted Bounderby! “Get me away from this dog, or demon, and I’ll confess everything.”
“Mewwylegth, come here, thir!”
“Mewwylegth, come here, sir!”
Merrylegs released his victim.
Merrylegs let go of his victim.
“Well, then,” said the detected miscreant, desperately—“sixteen years ago I murdered the man, Jupe, to obtain possession of eighteen-pence, with which I entered Coketown, and set up in business. And now, do your worst.”
“Well, then,” said the caught criminal, desperately—“sixteen years ago I killed the man, Jupe, to get hold of eighteen pence, with which I came to Coketown and started my business. So go ahead, do your worst.”
The crowd recoiled in horror. The sobered man picked up Mr. Bounderby’s hat, that had dropped off in the scuffle, and immediately pawned it.
The crowd flinched in shock. The sober man picked up Mr. Bounderby’s hat, which had fallen during the scuffle, and immediately pawned it.
“Off with him!” cried Sleary, in a tone of theatrical authority,—“to jail!”
“Take him away!” shouted Sleary, in a dramatic tone, —“to jail!”
To jail! to jail! to jail!
To jail! To jail! To jail!
* * * * *
Please provide the text you would like me to modernize.
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The Political “Mrs. Gummidge.”
The Political "Mrs. Gummidge."
A “Dickens” of a Situation.
A Tough Situation.
Mrs. Gummidge-Gladstone had been in a low state for some time, and had almost burst into tears when a chill gust from the North, coming suddenly, and—to her—unexpectedly down the chimney, had blown the lid off the bubbling saucepan, and the soot into the stew therein.
Mrs. Gummidge-Gladstone had been feeling down for a while, and had nearly cried when a sudden chill from the North unexpectedly came down the chimney, blowing the lid off the bubbling saucepan and the soot into the stew inside.
“I am a much-crossed cretur’,” were Mrs. Gummidge’s words, when that unpleasant occurrence took place, “and everythink goes contrairy with me.”
“I am a very unfortunate creature,” Mrs. Gummidge said when that unpleasant event happened, “and everything goes against me.”
“Oh, it’ll soon leave off,” said Mr. Peggotty-Bull—meaning the North wind,—“and besides, you know, it’s not more disagreeable to you than it is to us.”
“Oh, it’ll stop soon,” said Mr. Peggotty-Bull—talking about the North wind—“and besides, it’s no more unpleasant for you than it is for us.”
“I feel it more,” said Mrs. Gummidge-Gladstone.
“I feel it more,” said Mrs. Gummidge-Gladstone.
It was indeed a very cold, cheerless day, with cutting blasts of wind, which seemed to blow from every quarter at once, but from the North and East for choice, Mrs. Gummidge’s peculiar corner of the fireside seemed—to her at least—to be the chilliest and most uncomfortable, as her seat was certainly the hardest. She complained of the North-Easter, and of its visitation just at this time and at her back, which she said gave her the “creeps.”
It was a really cold, dreary day, with sharp gusts of wind blowing from all directions, but mostly from the North and East. For Mrs. Gummidge, her specific spot by the fire felt like the coldest and most uncomfortable, especially since her seat was definitely the hardest. She grumbled about the North-Easter and its arrival right at this moment and behind her, saying it gave her the “creeps.”
“It is certainly very uncomfortable,” said Mr. Peggotty-Bull. “Everybody must feel it so.”
“It’s definitely really uncomfortable,” said Mr. Peggotty-Bull. “Everyone must feel the same way.”
“I feel it more than other people,” said Mrs. Gummidge.
“I feel it more than everyone else,” said Mrs. Gummidge.
So at dinner. The fish—from which she had expected great things—were small and bony, and the stew was smoky and burnt. All acknowledged that they felt this something of a disappointment, but Mrs. Gummidge said she felt it more than they did, and again made that former declaration with great bitterness—“I’m a much-crossed cretur’, and every think goes contrairy with me.”
So at dinner. The fish—which she had high hopes for—were small and bony, and the stew was smoky and burnt. Everyone agreed it was a bit disappointing, but Mrs. Gummidge insisted she felt it more than the others did, and once again made that earlier declaration with obvious bitterness—“I’m a much-crossed creature, and everything goes wrong for me.”
Later, when Mr. Peggotty-Bull came home to tea, this unfortunate Mrs. Gummidge-Gladstone was knitting in her corner, in a very wretched and miserable condition. Her knitting—a nondescript piece of work—seemed to be a regular Egyptian labyrinth for complicated tangle, and a very Penelope’s web for inconclusiveness and power of alternate weaving and unweaving. “Cheer up, Grand Mawther!” cried Mr. Peggotty-Bull. (Mr. Peggotty meant Grand Old Girl.)
Later, when Mr. Peggotty-Bull came home for tea, this unfortunate Mrs. Gummidge-Gladstone was knitting in her corner, looking very wretched and miserable. Her knitting—a jumbled mess—appeared to be a complete tangle, and a true Penelope's web in its endless cycle of weaving and unweaving. “Cheer up, Grand Mawther!” shouted Mr. Peggotty-Bull. (Mr. Peggotty meant Grand Old Girl.)
Mrs. Gummidge did not appear to be able to cheer up. She dropped her knitting with a gesture of despair.
Mrs. Gummidge didn’t seem to be able to lift her spirits. She let her knitting fall with a sigh of frustration.
“What’s amiss, Dame?” said Mr. Peggotty-Bull.
“What’s wrong, ma’am?” said Mr. Peggotty-Bull.
“Everythink!” returned Mrs. Gummidge. “Including you,” she continued, dolefully. “You’ve a willing mind to face the troubles before you, but you ain’t ready. I’m sorry it should be along o’ me that you’re so unready.”
“Everything!” replied Mrs. Gummidge. “Including you,” she continued sadly. “You’re eager to tackle the challenges ahead, but you’re not prepared. I wish it wasn’t because of me that you’re feeling so unprepared.”
“Along o’ you? It ain’t along o’ you!” said Mr. Peggotty, good naturedly, and perhaps without quite meaning it. “Don’t ye believe a bit on it,”
“Along with you? It’s not because of you!” said Mr. Peggotty, in a friendly way, and maybe without really meaning it. “Don’t you believe it at all,”
“Yes, yes, it is!” cried Mrs. Gummidge-Gladstone. “I know what I am. I know that I am a much-crossed cretur’, and not only that everythink goes contrairy with me, but that I go contrairy with everybody. Yes, yes. I feel more than other people do, and I show it more. It’s my misfortun.”
“Yes, yes, it is!” shouted Mrs. Gummidge-Gladstone. “I know who I am. I know I’m a person who’s been through a lot, and not only does everything go wrong for me, but I also clash with everyone. Yes, yes. I feel things more deeply than others do, and I express it more. It’s my misfortune.”
One really couldn’t help thinking that the misfortune extended to some other Members of that House, besides Mrs. Gummidge.
One really couldn’t help thinking that the misfortune affected some other members of that House, aside from Mrs. Gummidge.
“I ain’t what I could wish myself to be,” said Mrs. Gummidge. “I am far from it. I know what I am. My troubles has made me contrairy. I feel my troubles, and they makes me contrairy. I wish I didn’t feel them, but I do. I wish I could be harden’d to ’em, but I ain’t. If I felt less, I could do more. I make the House uncomfortable. I don’t wonder at it. It’s far from right that I should do it. I’d better leave the House. I’m a much-crossed cretur’, and had better not make myself contrairy here. If thinks must go contrairy with me, and I must go contrairy myself, let me go contrairy alone at my own place. I’d better leave the House, and retire and be a riddance.”
“I’m not who I wish I could be,” said Mrs. Gummidge. “I’m far from it. I know what I am. My troubles have made me difficult. I feel my troubles, and they make me difficult. I wish I didn’t feel them, but I do. I wish I could toughen up to them, but I can’t. If I felt less, I could do more. I make the house uncomfortable. I don’t blame anyone for it. It’s not right that I should do this. I’d be better off leaving the house. I’m a person who’s faced too many hardships, and I should avoid being a burden here. If things have to go wrong for me, and I have to be difficult myself, then let me be difficult alone in my own place. I’d be better off leaving the house, retiring, and being out of the way.”
Mr. Peggotty-Bull, whose countenance had exhibited the mixed traces of many feelings, including puzzlement, impatience, and profound sympathy, looked upward at a portrait of an ancient, but buck-like and somewhat Hebraic personage upon the wall, and, shaking his head, with a lively expression of those mixed sentiments still animating his face, said, in a solemn whisper,
Mr. Peggotty-Bull, whose face showed a mix of emotions, including confusion, impatience, and deep sympathy, looked up at a portrait of an old, yet sturdy and somewhat Jewish-looking man on the wall. Shaking his head, with those mixed feelings still visible on his face, he said in a serious whisper,
“She’s been thinking of the Old ’Un!”
“She's been thinking about the old guy!”
This parody of “David Copperfield” appeared in Punch May 2, 1885, it was illustrated by an excellent cartoon of Mr. Gladstone as “Mrs. Gummidge.”
This parody of “David Copperfield” appeared in Punch on May 2, 1885. It was illustrated with a great cartoon of Mr. Gladstone as “Mrs. Gummidge.”
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Space will not permit of the insertion of further extracts from the parodies on Dickens, it remains, therefore, to enumerate his principal works in chronological order, followed by a list of the parodies, imitations, and plays founded upon them:—
Space won't allow for more excerpts from the parodies of Dickens, so we will instead list his main works in chronological order, followed by a list of the parodies, imitations, and plays inspired by them:—
Sam Weller, a Journal of Wit and Humour. Edited by Sam Slick, with illustrations. 1837.
Sam Weller, a Journal of Wit and Humor. Edited by Sam Slick, with illustrations. 1837.
Posthumous Papers of the Cadgers’ Club. With sixteen engravings. London. E. Lloyd, about 1837.
Posthumous Papers of the Cadgers’ Club. With sixteen illustrations. London. E. Lloyd, around 1837.
Posthumous Papers of the Wonderful Discovery Club, formerly of Camden Town. Established by Sir Peter Patron. Edited by “Poz.” With eleven illustrations, designed by Squib, and engraved by Point. London. 1838.
Posthumous Papers of the Wonderful Discovery Club, formerly of Camden Town. Founded by Sir Peter Patron. Edited by “Poz.” Featuring eleven illustrations designed by Squib and engraved by Point. London. 1838.
The Post-humourous Notes of the Pickwickian Club. Edited by “Bos.” 2 vols, with numerous illustrations. London.
The Post-humorous Notes of the Pickwickian Club. Edited by “Bos.” 2 vols, with numerous illustrations. London.
Pickwick in America, detailing all the adventures of that individual in the United States. Edited by “Bos.” Illustrated with forty-six engravings by “Phis.” London. E. Lloyd, about 1837.
Pickwick in America, describing all the adventures of that person in the United States. Edited by “Bos.” Illustrated with forty-six engravings by “Phis.” London. E. Lloyd, around 1837.
Pickwick Abroad, or a Tour in France, by G. W. M. Reynolds. This is a thick octavo volume, published in 1839, with numerous illustrations. The first edition is rather scarce, but reprints (published by Willoughby & Co., London) are not difficult to procure. The woodcuts, in the body of the book, are curious, as showing the architecture and appearance of the principal streets of Paris fifty years ago.
Pickwick Abroad, or a Tour in France, by G. W. M. Reynolds. This is a large octavo volume, published in 1839, with many illustrations. The first edition is quite rare, but reprints (published by Willoughby & Co., London) are easy to find. The woodcuts in the book are interesting as they showcase the architecture and look of the main streets of Paris fifty years ago.
The Adventures of Marmaduke Midge, the Pickwickian Legatee. (Particulars of this work are wanting.)
The Adventures of Marmaduke Midge, the Pickwickian Legatee. (Details about this work are missing.)
Amongst the many piracies and imitations of The Pickwick Papers, was “The Penny Pickwick,” edited by “Bos,” with illustrations. The preface is signed “Bos,” Rose Cottage, St. John’s Wood. Printed and published by E. Lloyd, Bloomsbury. 1838.
Among the various knock-offs and copies of The Pickwick Papers was “The Penny Pickwick,” edited by “Bos,” featuring illustrations. The preface is signed “Bos,” Rose Cottage, St. John’s Wood. Printed and published by E. Lloyd, Bloomsbury. 1838.
There were also numerous song and jest books named after either Mr. Pickwick or Sam Weller, but these scarcely come within the scope of this list.
There were also many song and joke books named after either Mr. Pickwick or Sam Weller, but these hardly fit into this list.
The Life and Adventures of Oliver Twiss, the Workhouse Boy. Edited by “Bos.” London. No date, about 1840.
The Life and Adventures of Oliver Twiss, the Workhouse Boy. Edited by “Bos.” London. No date, around 1840.
Scenes from the Life of Nickleby Married, containing certain Remarkable Passages, Strange Adventures, and Extraordinary Occurrences that befel the Nickleby Family in their further Career, being a Sequel to “Nicholas Nickleby.” Edited by “Guess.” With twenty-one illustrations by “Quiz.” London. John Williams, Paternoster Row. 1840.
Scenes from the Life of Nickleby Married, featuring some Notable Moments, Unusual Adventures, and Extraordinary Events that happened to the Nickleby Family in their ongoing Journey, serving as a Sequel to “Nicholas Nickleby.” Edited by “Guess.” With twenty-one illustrations by “Quiz.” London. John Williams, Paternoster Row. 1840.
Nickelas Nickelbery. Containing the Adventures, Misadventures, Chances, Mis-Chances, Fortunes, Mis-fortunes, Mysteries, Mis-eries, and Miscellaneous manœuvres of the Family of Nickelbery. By “Bos.” With forty-three woodcut illustrations. London. E. Lloyd, about 1838. An impudent piracy upon Nicholas Nickleby, published in penny weekly numbers, and parodying the whole of the story and characters, under very slightly altered names. This has been ascribed to Mr. J. P. Prest.
Nickelas Nickelbery. This book includes the adventures, misadventures, chances, mishaps, fortunes, misfortunes, mysteries, troubles, and various antics of the Nickelbery family. By “Bos.” Featuring forty-three woodcut illustrations. London. E. Lloyd, around 1838. It's a cheeky knockoff of Nicholas Nickleby, published in weekly penny installments, parodying the entire story and its characters, using only slightly changed names. This has been attributed to Mr. J. P. Prest.
The Nickleby Papers, by “Poz.” In penny numbers.
The Nickleby Papers, by “Poz.” In penny editions.
Mister Humfries’ Clock. “Bos,” maker. A Miscellany of striking interest. Illustrated. London, 1840.
Mister Humfries’ Clock. “Bos,” maker. A collection of intriguing pieces. Illustrated. London, 1840.
Master Timothy’s Bookcase; or, the Magic Lanthorn of the World. By G. W. M. Reynolds. London, 1842.
Master Timothy’s Bookcase; or, the Magic Lanthorn of the World. By G. W. M. Reynolds. London, 1842.
A Girl at a Railway Junction’s Reply [to an article in the Christmas number for 1866 of “All the Year Round,” entitled “Mugby Junction.”] London.
A Girl at a Railway Junction’s Reply [to an article in the Christmas edition for 1866 of “All the Year Round,” entitled “Mugby Junction.”] London.
Parley’s Penny Library. Containing piratical versions of Barnaby Rudge, the Old Curiosity Shop, and the Picnic Papers. About 1841.
Parley’s Penny Library. Featuring pirate-themed versions of Barnaby Rudge, the Old Curiosity Shop, and the Picnic Papers. Around 1841.
Change for the American Notes; or, Letters from London to New York. By an American Lady. London. Wiley and Putnam. 1843. (This was written by a Yorkshireman, Mr. Henry Wood.)
Change for the American Notes; or, Letters from London to New York. By an American Lady. London. Wiley and Putnam. 1843. (This was written by a Yorkshireman, Mr. Henry Wood.)
Current American Notes. By “Buz.” London. No date.
Current American Notes. By “Buz.” London. No date.
Christmas Eve with the Spirits, with some further tidings of the Lives of Scrooge and Tiny Tim. London, 1870.
Christmas Eve with the Spirits, with some additional news about the lives of Scrooge and Tiny Tim. London, 1870.
A Christmas Carol. Being a few scattered staves from a familiar composition, re-arranged for performance by a Distinguished Musical Amateur, during the Holiday season, at Hawarden.—Punch. December 26, 1885. This is a political skit, the only present interest of which consists in the four very humourous illustrations by Harry Furniss, which are exquisite parodies of those by John Leech, in the original book.
A Christmas Carol. This is a collection of a few scattered parts from a well-known work, reorganized for a performance by a Notable Music Enthusiast during the holiday season at Hawarden.—Punch. December 26, 1885. This is a political satire, and its main appeal lies in the four very funny illustrations by Harry Furniss, which are brilliant parodies of the ones by John Leech in the original book.
The Faces in the Fire; a Story for the Season. By Redgap. With illustrations by T. H. Nicholson: London. Willoughby & Co., Warwick Lane. No date. Dedicated to the Earl of Carlisle. Pp. 165. (Written in imitation of Dickens’s Christmas Books, and published about 1845.) In a second edition, published by James Blackwood, in 1856, the name of George Frederick Pardon is given on the title page as the author.
The Faces in the Fire; a Story for the Season. By Redgap. With illustrations by T. H. Nicholson: London. Willoughby & Co., Warwick Lane. No date. Dedicated to the Earl of Carlisle. Pp. 165. (Written to mimic Dickens’s Christmas Books, and published around 1845.) In a second edition, published by James Blackwood in 1856, George Frederick Pardon is credited as the author on the title page.
January Eve. A Tale of the Times. By George Soane, B.A. London: E. Churton, 1847: pp. 180. Dedicated to Lord John Russell. In his preface the author not only admits that a similarity exists between his writings and those of Dickens, but is bold enough to assert that he, and not Dickens, is the original “Simon Pure.” “A little tale of mine, the Three Spirits, was thought by many to be exceedingly like Boz’s ‘Christmas Carol,’ yet the Carol was not published till some years after it. If then, there be any imitation in the case at all, it is Boz—glorious Boz—who has taken a hint from my writings.”
January Eve. A Tale of the Times. By George Soane, B.A. London: E. Churton, 1847: pp. 180. Dedicated to Lord John Russell. In his preface, the author not only acknowledges that his writing resembles Dickens's but also boldly claims that he, rather than Dickens, is the original “Simon Pure.” “A little story of mine, the Three Spirits, was thought by many to be quite similar to Boz's ‘Christmas Carol,’ even though the Carol wasn’t published until several years later. So, if there’s any imitation going on here at all, it’s Boz—glorious Boz—who took inspiration from my work.”
The Battle of London Life; or, “Boz” and his Secretary. By Morna. With a portrait and illustrations by G. A. Sala. This is a scarce little volume of 106 pages, which was published by George Peirce, of 310, Strand, London, in 1849. It was written by Thomas M. O’Keefe, although it is generally attributed to Mr. George Augustus Sala; he certainly furnished several illustrations, which are signed G. Sala, and on the cover there is an advertisement of “The April Fool Book,” written by the author of “The Battle of London Life,” also illustrated by George Sala.
The Battle of London Life; or, “Boz” and his Secretary. By Morna. With a portrait and illustrations by G. A. Sala. This is a rare little book of 106 pages, published by George Peirce, at 310 Strand, London, in 1849. It was written by Thomas M. O’Keefe, although it’s usually credited to Mr. George Augustus Sala; he definitely provided several illustrations, which are signed G. Sala, and on the cover there’s an ad for “The April Fool Book,” written by the author of “The Battle of London Life,” also illustrated by George Sala.
Old Jolliffe: Not a Goblin Story. By the Spirit of a little Bell, awakened by “The Chimes.” London: W. N. Wright, 1845. Dedicated to Queen Adelaide. Pp. 56.
Old Jolliffe: Not a Goblin Story. By the Spirit of a little Bell, awakened by “The Chimes.” London: W. N. Wright, 1845. Dedicated to Queen Adelaide. Pp. 56.
The Wedding Bells, an Echo of “The Chimes,” with coloured illustrations by the Author, who states that the work was suggested by “The Chimes” of Charles Dickens.
The Wedding Bells, a reflection of “The Chimes,” featuring colored illustrations by the Author, who mentions that the work was inspired by “The Chimes” by Charles Dickens.
Facts and Figures from Italy. Addressed during the last two winters to C. Dickens, being an appendix to his “Pictures.” By Don Jeremy Savonarola. London, R. Bentley, 1847. This was written by Francis Mahony. (“Father Prout.”)
Facts and Figures from Italy. Addressed during the last two winters to C. Dickens, being an appendix to his “Pictures.” By Don Jeremy Savonarola. London, R. Bentley, 1847. This was written by Francis Mahony. (“Father Prout.”)
The Sketch Book. By “Bos.” Containing tales, sketches, etc. With seventeen woodcut illustrations. London.
The Sketch Book. By “Bos.” Featuring stories, sketches, and more. With seventeen woodcut illustrations. London.
226 Dombey and Daughter: A Moral Fiction. By Renton Nicholson, Lord Chief Baron of the celebrated Judge and Jury Society, held at the Garrick’s Head Hotel, Bow Street. London. Thomas Farris. No date, about 1847. With illustrations. Pp. 94. At the end of the story Baron Nicholson bids his readers Farewell, and remarks, “I think I may, without arrogance, predict that these pages will be read with pleasure by those whose tastes are not vitiated, and who prefer a simple story, representing scenes of real life, to the monstrous productions of a feverish imagination, which of late have been received with unmerited though almost universal applause.” This was published in monthly parts.
226 Dombey and Daughter: A Moral Fiction. By Renton Nicholson, Lord Chief Baron of the well-known Judge and Jury Society, held at the Garrick’s Head Hotel, Bow Street. London. Thomas Farris. No date, around 1847. With illustrations. Pp. 94. At the end of the story, Baron Nicholson says goodbye to his readers with a Farewell and notes, “I believe I can, without being arrogant, predict that these pages will be enjoyed by those whose tastes remain unspoiled, and who prefer a straightforward story depicting scenes from real life to the outrageous creations of a restless imagination, which recently have received undeserved but nearly universal praise.” This was published in monthly parts.
Renton Nicholson also wrote Cockney Adventures, and Tales of London Life, in imitation of the Pickwick Papers.
Renton Nicholson also wrote Cockney Adventures, and Tales of London Life, inspired by the Pickwick Papers.
Dombey and Father, by Buz. A Satire on Charles Dickens. New York, 1868.
Dombey and Father, by Buz. A Satire on Charles Dickens. New York, 1868.
Micawber Redivivus; or, How to make a fortune as a Middleman, etc. By Jonathan Coalfield [i.e. W. Graham Simpson?].
Micawber Redivivus; or, How to Make a Fortune as a Middleman, etc. By Jonathan Coalfield [i.e. W. Graham Simpson?].
Bleak House; a Narrative of Real Life. Being a faithful detail of facts connected with a suit in the Irish Court of Chancery, from the year 1826 to 1851. London, H. Elliott. 1856.
Bleak House; a Narrative of Real Life. This is a true account of events related to a case in the Irish Court of Chancery, spanning from 1826 to 1851. London, H. Elliott. 1856.
Characteristic Sketches of Young Gentlemen. By Quiz Junior. With Illustrations. London. W. Kidd.
Character Sketches of Young Gentlemen. By Quiz Junior. With Illustrations. London. W. Kidd.
A Child’s History of Germany. By H. W. Friedlaender. A pendant to a “Child’s History of England,” by Charles Dickens. Celle, 1861.
A Child’s History of Germany. By H. W. Friedlaender. A companion to “A Child’s History of England,” by Charles Dickens. Celle, 1861.
No Thoroughfare; the Book in Eight Acts. This parody appeared in “The Mask,” No. 1, February, 1868.
No Thoroughfare; the Book in Eight Acts. This parody was published in “The Mask,” No. 1, February, 1868.
No Thoroughfare. A parody upon Dickens’s N.T. By C—s D—s, B. Brownjohn and Domby. Boston U.S.
No Thoroughfare. A parody of Dickens’s N.T. By C—s D—s, B. Brownjohn and Domby. Boston U.S.
The Mystery of Mr. E. Drood. Specimen of an Adaptation. By Orpheus C. Kerr. (Three and a half pages.) Published in The Piccadilly Annual. London. John Camden Hotten. December, 1870. This very scarce little work contains Hunted Down, by Charles Dickens, which is not generally included amongst his collected writings. It was originally written for an American publisher.
The Mystery of Mr. E. Drood. Example of an Adaptation. By Orpheus C. Kerr. (Three and a half pages.) Published in The Piccadilly Annual. London. John Camden Hotten. December, 1870. This rare little book includes Hunted Down by Charles Dickens, which is not usually featured in his collected works. It was originally written for an American publisher.
The Mystery of Edwin Drood, Complete. Part the Second by the Spirit Pen of Charles Dickens, through a medium; embodying also that Part of the Work which was published prior to the Termination of the Author’s Earth-Life. 1873. The medium was Mr. J. P. James, of Brattleborough, Vermont, U. S.
The Mystery of Edwin Drood, Complete. Part the Second by the Spirit Pen of Charles Dickens, through a medium; also including that part of the work which was published before the end of the author's life on Earth. 1873. The medium was Mr. J. P. James, of Brattleborough, Vermont, U.S.
John Jasper’s Secret, being a Narrative of Certain Events following and Explaining “The Mystery of Edwin Drood,” with illustrations. Philadelphia, about 1871. Also published in London in 1872.
John Jasper’s Secret, is a story about certain events that come after and clarify “The Mystery of Edwin Drood,” with illustrations. Philadelphia, around 1871. Also published in London in 1872.
The Cloven Foot; being an adaptation of the English novel, “The Mystery of Edwin Drood” to American scenes, characters, customs, and nomenclature. By Orpheus C. Kerr. New York, 1870.
The Cloven Foot; an adaptation of the English novel, “The Mystery of Edwin Drood” to American settings, characters, customs, and names. By Orpheus C. Kerr. New York, 1870.
A Great Mystery Solved: Being a Sequel to “The Mystery of Edwin Drood.” By Gillan Vase. In three vols. London, Remington and Co, 1878. Preface dated Hanover, July 12, 1878.
A Great Mystery Solved: A Sequel to “The Mystery of Edwin Drood.” By Gillan Vase. In three vols. London, Remington and Co, 1878. Preface dated Hanover, July 12, 1878.
Rifts in the Veil, a Collection of Inspirational Poems and Essays, given through Various Forms of Mediumship. London, W. H. Harrison. 1878. This work on Spiritualism contains particulars of a continuation of “Edwin Drood,” which is said to have been dictated through a medium. The article occupies 30 closely printed pages, and is entitled “An alleged Postmortem work by Charles Dickens.”
Rifts in the Veil, a Collection of Inspirational Poems and Essays, communicated through Various Forms of Mediumship. London, W. H. Harrison. 1878. This work on Spiritualism includes details about a continuation of “Edwin Drood,” which is reported to have been dictated through a medium. The article spans 30 densely printed pages and is titled “An alleged Postmortem work by Charles Dickens.”
Plays founded upon the Novels of Charles Dickens.
Plays based on the novels of Charles Dickens.
As is well known Charles Dickens strongly objected to his Novels being adapted for the Stage, yet scarcely one of his better known works escaped that penalty of popularity. As most of these stage adaptations are little better than parodies, or imitations, a catalogue of them may be fitly inserted here.
As is well known, Charles Dickens strongly opposed his novels being turned into stage adaptations, yet hardly any of his more famous works avoided that consequence of popularity. Since most of these adaptations are barely more than parodies or imitations, a list of them could be appropriately included here.
In this compilation some assistance has been derived from the life of Dickens, by Mr. F. T. Marzials, (London, Walter Scott, 1887), but the following list contains more entries, and fuller details than he gave. It is, in fact, the only approximately complete list of plays founded on Dickens’s Works, giving the date and place where first performed, and the names of the publishers, where they could be ascertained.
In this collection, some help has come from Mr. F. T. Marzials' biography of Dickens (London, Walter Scott, 1887), but the following list includes more entries and gives more details than he provided. It is, in fact, the only nearly complete list of plays based on Dickens’s works, showing the date and location of the first performances, as well as the names of the publishers, whenever they could be identified.
Sam Weller, or the Pickwickians, a Drama in three acts, first performed at the Strand New Theatre, London, July 17, 1837. By W. T. Moncrieff. (Dicks 541.) This has a long preface, in which the author defends himself against the charge of having merely transferred Dickens’s characters and incidents from the story to a play. He says, indeed, that he thinks Dickens ought to be grateful to him, for the popularity of the play had greatly extended the fame of the story.
Sam Weller, or the Pickwickians, a drama in three acts, first performed at the Strand New Theatre, London, July 17, 1837. By W. T. Moncrieff. (Dicks 541.) This has a lengthy preface, where the author defends himself against the accusation of just moving Dickens’s characters and events from the story to a play. He even claims that Dickens should be thankful to him, as the popularity of the play has significantly boosted the story's fame.
The Pickwickians; or, the Peregrinations of Sam Weller. Arranged from Mr. W. T. Moncrieff’s adaptation by T. H. Lacy. London. 1837. (Lacy 315.)
The Pickwickians; or, the Travels of Sam Weller. Arranged from Mr. W. T. Moncrieff’s adaptation by T. H. Lacy. London. 1837. (Lacy 315.)
The Pickwick Club. A Burletta in three acts, by E. Stirling. City of London Theatre, April 27, 1837. (Duncombe.)
The Pickwick Club. A short play in three acts, by E. Stirling. City of London Theatre, April 27, 1837. (Duncombe.)
The Peregrinations of Pickwick, an acting Drama. By William Leman Rede. London, W. Strange. 1837.
The Peregrinations of Pickwick, a play. By William Leman Rede. London, W. Strange. 1837.
Bardell v. Pickwick: versified and diversified. Songs and choruses. Words by T. H. Gem. Leamington, 1881.
Bardell v. Pickwick: adapted and varied. Songs and choruses. Lyrics by T. H. Gem. Leamington, 1881.
The Great Pickwick Case, arranged as a Comic Operetta. The words of the songs by Robert Pollitt. Manchester, Abel Heywood & Son, 1884.
The Great Pickwick Case, set up as a Comic Operetta. The lyrics of the songs by Robert Pollitt. Manchester, Abel Heywood & Son, 1884.
Bardell v. Pickwick. (Dicks 636.)
Bardell v. Pickwick. (Dicks 636.)
Last of the Pickwickiana comes Mr. F. C. Burnand’s dramatic Cantata, Pickwick, with music by Mr. Edward Solomon, which was produced at the Comedy Theatre, London, early in 1889. The parts were thus distributed, Pickwick by Mr. Arthur Cecil, Mrs. Bardell by Miss Lottie Venne, and “The Baker” by Mr. Rutland Barrington.
Last of the Pickwickiana is Mr. F. C. Burnand’s dramatic Cantata, Pickwick, with music by Mr. Edward Solomon, which premiered at the Comedy Theatre in London, early in 1889. The roles were assigned as follows: Pickwick by Mr. Arthur Cecil, Mrs. Bardell by Miss Lottie Venne, and “The Baker” by Mr. Rutland Barrington.
This Cantata has not yet been published.
This Cantata hasn't been published yet.
There can be no doubt but that the character of Sam Weller made the fortune of The Pickwick Papers when they first appeared in monthly parts, and sent the circulation up from a poor 400 to 40,000. The germ of this character has been traced back to a play, written by Mr. Samuel Beazley, entitled “The Boarding House,” and produced at what is now called the Lyceum Theatre, in 1811. That there is a slight resemblance in Simon Spatterdash in this play to Sam Weller cannot be denied, and Dickens may have seen or read the play, and have been struck with the possibility of converting the character of Spatterdash into that of his own immortal Sam.
There’s no doubt that the character of Sam Weller made the success of The Pickwick Papers when it was first released in monthly installments, boosting its circulation from a meager 400 to 40,000. The origins of this character can be traced back to a play written by Mr. Samuel Beazley called “The Boarding House,” which was performed at what is now the Lyceum Theatre in 1811. It’s undeniable that there’s a slight resemblance between Simon Spatterdash in this play and Sam Weller, and Dickens may have seen or read the play and been inspired by the idea of transforming the Spatterdash character into his own legendary Sam.
Oliver Twist; or the Parish Boy’s Progress. A Drama in three acts. By C. Z. Barnett. First performed at the Pavilion Theatre, May 21, 1838. (S. French.)
Oliver Twist; or the Parish Boy’s Progress. A Drama in three acts. By C. Z. Barnett. First performed at the Pavilion Theatre, May 21, 1838. (S. French.)
Oliver Twist. A serio-comic Burletta, in three acts, by 227 George Almar. Performed at the Royal Surrey Theatre, London, November 19, 1838. (Dicks 293.)
Oliver Twist. A serious yet comedic play in three acts, by 227 George Almar. Performed at the Royal Surrey Theatre, London, November 19, 1838. (Dicks 293.)
A similar adaptation, but in four acts, was published in New York.
A similar adaptation, but in four acts, was published in New York.
Bumble’s Courtship. From Dickens’s “Oliver Twist.” A Comic Interlude, in one act. By Frank E. Emson. London. (Lacy.)
Bumble’s Courtship. From Dickens’s “Oliver Twist.” A Comic Interlude, in one act. By Frank E. Emson. London. (Lacy.)
Nicholas Nickleby, a Farce in Two Acts. By Edward Stirling. Produced at the Adelphi Theatre, London 1838. (S. French 264.)
Nicholas Nickleby, a Comedy in Two Acts. By Edward Stirling. Performed at the Adelphi Theatre, London 1838. (S. French 264.)
Nicholas Nickleby, a Drama in Four Acts. Adapted by H. Simms. First performed at the Theatre Royal, Brighton, 1875. (Dicks 469.)
Nicholas Nickleby, a Drama in Four Acts. Adapted by H. Simms. First performed at the Theatre Royal, Brighton, 1875. (Dicks 469.)
The Infant Phenomenon; or, a Rehearsal Rehearsed. A Dramatic Piece in one Act. Being an episode in the adventures of Nicholas Nickleby. Adapted by H. Horncastle, and originally produced at the Strand Theatre, London, July 8, 1842. (Dicks 572.)
The Infant Phenomenon; or, a Rehearsal Rehearsed. A Dramatic Piece in one Act. This is an episode in the adventures of Nicholas Nickleby. Adapted by H. Horncastle and originally performed at the Strand Theatre, London, on July 8, 1842. (Dicks 572.)
The Fortunes of Smike, or, a Sequel to Nicholas Nickleby; a Drama in Two Acts. By Edward Stirling, London. Adelphi Theatre. London, March 2, 1840. (Webster’s Acting Drama 94.)
The Fortunes of Smike, or, a Sequel to Nicholas Nickleby; a Play in Two Acts. By Edward Stirling, London. Adelphi Theatre. London, March 2, 1840. (Webster’s Acting Drama 94.)
Nicholas Nickleby; an Episodic Sketch; in three tableaux, based upon an incident in “Nicholas Nickleby.” Not published. Strand Theatre, Sept. 10, 1885.
Nicholas Nickleby; an Episodic Sketch; in three scenes, inspired by an incident in “Nicholas Nickleby.” Not published. Strand Theatre, Sept. 10, 1885.
Barnaby Rudge. A Domestic Drama, in Three Acts. By Charles Selby and Charles Melville. First performed at the English Opera House, June 28, 1841. (Dicks 393.)
Barnaby Rudge. A Domestic Drama, in Three Acts. By Charles Selby and Charles Melville. First performed at the English Opera House on June 28, 1841. (Dicks 393.)
Barnaby Rudge; or, the Murder at the Warren, a Drama in Three Acts, by Thomas Higgie. No date. (Lacy.)
Barnaby Rudge; or, the Murder at the Warren, a Drama in Three Acts, by Thomas Higgie. No date. (Lacy.)
Barnaby Rudge. A Burlesque upon the Version now being played at the Princess’s Theatre, London. Fun. November 24, 1866.
Barnaby Rudge. A parody of the version currently being performed at the Princess’s Theatre, London. Fun. November 24, 1866.
Master Humphrey’s Clock; a Domestic Drama, in Two Acts. By Frederick Fox Cooper. Victoria Theatre, London, May 26, 1840. (Lacy.)
Master Humphrey’s Clock; a Domestic Drama, in Two Acts. By Frederick Fox Cooper. Victoria Theatre, London, May 26, 1840. (Lacy.)
The Old Curiosity Shop. A Drama in Four Acts. Adapted by George Lander. First produced at the Theatre Royal, York, May 14, 1877. (Dicks 398.)
The Old Curiosity Shop. A Drama in Four Acts. Adapted by George Lander. First performed at the Theatre Royal, York, on May 14, 1877. (Dicks 398.)
The Old Curiosity Shop; a Drama in Two Acts. By Edward Stirling. Adelphi Theatre, November 9, 1840. (French 1147.)
The Old Curiosity Shop; a Drama in Two Acts. By Edward Stirling. Adelphi Theatre, November 9, 1840. (French 1147.)
The Old Curiosity Shop; a Drama, in Four Acts. Adapted by Mr. Charles Dickens, Junr., from his Father’s Novel. Not published. Opera Comique Theatre. 1884.
The Old Curiosity Shop; a Drama, in Four Acts. Adapted by Mr. Charles Dickens, Jr., from his Father’s Novel. Not published. Opera Comique Theatre. 1884.
Mrs. Jarley’s Far-Famed Collection of Wax-Works, as arranged by G. B. Bartlett. In Two Parts. London.
Mrs. Jarley’s Famous Collection of Wax Figures, as arranged by G. B. Bartlett. In Two Parts. London.
Yankee Notes for English Circulation. A Farce in One Act, by Edward Stirling. Adelphi Theatre. London. 1843. (Duncombe’s Theatre.)
Yankee Notes for English Circulation. A Comedy in One Act, by Edward Stirling. Adelphi Theatre. London. 1843. (Duncombe’s Theatre.)
Martin Chuzzlewit, a Drama in Three Acts by Charles Webb. London. (Barth.)
Martin Chuzzlewit, a Play in Three Acts by Charles Webb. London. (Barth.)
Martin Chuzzlewit; or, his wills and his ways, what he did, and what he didn’t. A Domestic Drama, in Three Acts, by Thomas Higgie and T. H. Lacy. Lyceum Theatre, London, July 8, 1844. (S. French 330.)
Martin Chuzzlewit; or, his wills and his ways, what he did, and what he didn’t. A Domestic Drama, in Three Acts, by Thomas Higgie and T. H. Lacy. Lyceum Theatre, London, July 8, 1844. (S. French 330.)
So says the acting copy, but see next entry:
That's what the current version says, but check the next entry:
Martin Chuzzlewit; a Drama in Three Acts. By Edward Stirling. This, it is stated on the acting copy, was produced at the Lyceum Theatre July 8, 1844. The two versions are unlike, and it is clearly impossible that both could have been produced on the same night at the same theatre. It is probable that Higgie and Lacy’s version was that which was produced at the Strand Theatre July 15, 1844. (Duncombe’s plays.)
Martin Chuzzlewit; a Drama in Three Acts. By Edward Stirling. According to the acting copy, this was performed at the Lyceum Theatre on July 8, 1844. The two versions differ significantly, making it clear that both could not have been produced on the same night at the same theatre. It's likely that Higgie and Lacy's version was the one presented at the Strand Theatre on July 15, 1844. (Duncombe’s plays.)
Tom Pinch. Domestic Comedy in Three Acts By Joseph J. Dilley and Lewis Clifton. Vaudeville Theatre, London, March 10, 1881. (S. French 1803.)
Tom Pinch. A Domestic Comedy in Three Acts By Joseph J. Dilley and Lewis Clifton. Vaudeville Theatre, London, March 10, 1881. (S. French 1803.)
Mrs. Sarah Gamp’s Tea and Turn Out; a Bozzian Sketch, in One Act, by B. Webster. Adelphi Theatre, London, October 26, 1846. (Webster’s Drama 136.)
Mrs. Sarah Gamp’s Tea and Turn Out; a Bozzian Sketch, in One Act, by B. Webster. Adelphi Theatre, London, October 26, 1846. (Webster’s Drama 136.)
Tartuffe Junior, Von H. C. L. Klein. Neuwied, 1864. (A Play in Five Acts after “Martin Chuzzlewit.”)
Tartuffe Junior, Von H. C. L. Klein. Neuwied, 1864. (A Play in Five Acts based on “Martin Chuzzlewit.”)
Mrs. Gamp’s Party. An adaptation in One Act. Manchester. Abel Heywood & Son.
Mrs. Gamp’s Party. A modern adaptation in One Act. Manchester. Abel Heywood & Son.
Mrs. Harris. A Farce in One Act, by Edward Stirling. Lyceum Theatre, October, 1846. (Duncombe.)
Mrs. Harris. A Farce in One Act, by Edward Stirling. Lyceum Theatre, October, 1846. (Duncombe.)
The Cricket on the Hearth, a Fairy Tale of Home, in two acts. By Edward Stirling. Adelphi Theatre, London, December 31, 1845. (Webster’s Drama 124.)
The Cricket on the Hearth, a Fairy Tale of Home, in two acts. By Edward Stirling. Adelphi Theatre, London, December 31, 1845. (Webster’s Drama 124.)
The Cricket on the Hearth; or, a Fairy Tale of Home. A Drama, in three acts. Dramatised by Albert Smith, by the express permission of the Author. First produced at the Lyceum Theatre, 1845, and at the Winter Garden, New York, September 14, 1859. (Dicks 394.)
The Cricket on the Hearth; or, a Fairy Tale of Home. A Drama, in three acts. Adapted by Albert Smith, with the author's direct permission. First performed at the Lyceum Theatre in 1845, and at the Winter Garden, New York, on September 14, 1859. (Dicks 394.)
The Cricket on the Hearth, a Fairy Tale of Home in Three Chirps. By W. T. Townsend. London. (Lacy 649.)
The Cricket on the Hearth, a Fairy Tale of Home in Three Chirps. By W. T. Townsend. London. (Lacy 649.)
This was another version which was produced at the City of London Theatre, January 7, 1846.
This was another version that was performed at the City of London Theatre on January 7, 1846.
A Christmas Carol; or, the Miser’s Warning, by C. Z. Barnett. Produced at the Surrey Theatre, February 5, 1844. This adaptation was published with a note stating that “the extreme necessity (the consequence of its high and deserved popularity) that so imperatively called for its representation on the stage, has also demanded its publication as a Drama, which it is the Adapter’s sincere wish, as it is his conviction, will considerably augment the sale of the original lovely and humanizing creation upon which it is founded.” (Lacy 1410. Dicks 722.)
A Christmas Carol; or, the Miser’s Warning, by C. Z. Barnett. Produced at the Surrey Theatre, February 5, 1844. This adaptation was published with a note stating that “the urgent need (resulting from its great and well-deserved popularity) that so strongly called for its performance on stage, has also led to its publication as a play, which the Adapter sincerely hopes, as he believes, will greatly increase the sales of the original beautiful and uplifting creation it is based on.” (Lacy 1410. Dicks 722.)
Dot, a Fairy Tale of Home. A Drama in Three Acts, from “The Cricket on the Hearth.” Dramatised by Dion Boucicault. Not published.
Dot, a Fairy Tale of Home. A Drama in Three Acts, from “The Cricket on the Hearth.” Dramatized by Dion Boucicault. Not published.
The Haunted Man, a Drama. Adapted from Charles Dickens’s Christmas Story. Not published.
The Haunted Man, a Drama. Adapted from Charles Dickens’s Christmas Story. Not published.
The Chimes, a Goblin Story, of some Bells that rang an Old Year out, and a New Year in; a Drama, in Four Quarters, by Mark Lemon and Gilbert Abbott à Beckett. Adelphi Theatre, London, December 19, 1844. (Webster’s Drama 115.)
The Chimes, a Goblin Story, of some Bells that rang an Old Year out, and a New Year in; a Drama, in Four Quarters, by Mark Lemon and Gilbert Abbott à Beckett. Adelphi Theatre, London, December 19, 1844. (Webster’s Drama 115.)
La Bataille de la Vie. Pièce en Trois Actes, par M. M. Mèlesville et André de Goy. Vaudeville Theatre, Paris, 1853.
The Battle of Life. Play in Three Acts, by M. M. Mèlesville and André de Goy. Vaudeville Theatre, Paris, 1853.
The Battle of Life, founded on the Christmas Annual of Charles Dickens, dramatised by Albert Smith. In Three Acts and in Verse. Lyceum Theatre, London, December 21, 1846. (W. S. Johnson.)
The Battle of Life, based on the Christmas Annual by Charles Dickens, adapted for the stage by Albert Smith. In Three Acts and in Verse. Lyceum Theatre, London, December 21, 1846. (W. S. Johnson.)
The Battle of Life, a Drama in Three Acts, by Edward Stirling. Surrey Theatre, London. January, 1847. (Duncombe’s Theatre 456.)
The Battle of Life, a Drama in Three Acts, by Edward Stirling. Surrey Theatre, London. January, 1847. (Duncombe’s Theatre 456.)
Dombey and Son. In three acts. Dramatized by John Brougham, and produced at Burton’s Theatre, New York, 1850. (Dicks 375. French 126.)
Dombey and Son. In three acts. Adapted by John Brougham and performed at Burton’s Theatre, New York, 1850. (Dicks 375. French 126.)
Dombey and Son; or, Good Mrs. Brown, the Child Stealer. A Drama, in two acts. “From the pen of the inimitable Charles Dickens, Esq. As performed at the Royal Strand Theatre.” No date.
Dombey and Son; or, Good Mrs. Brown, the Child Stealer. A Drama, in two acts. “From the pen of the incomparable Charles Dickens, Esq. As performed at the Royal Strand Theatre.” No date.
An impudent theft, in which many liberties are taken with Dickens’s plot. This was published whilst the novel was in progress, and is now very scarce.
An audacious theft that takes many liberties with Dickens's plot. This was published while the novel was still being written and is now quite rare.
Captain Cuttle; a Comic Drama, in one act. By John Brougham. Burton’s Theatre, New York, January 14, 1850. (Dicks 572.)
Captain Cuttle; a Comic Drama, in one act. By John Brougham. Burton’s Theatre, New York, January 14, 1850. (Dicks 572.)
David Copperfield, a Drama in three acts, by John Brougham. Brougham’s Lyceum Theatre, January 6, 1851. (French.)
David Copperfield, a play in three acts, by John Brougham. Brougham’s Lyceum Theatre, January 6, 1851. (French.)
Little Emily, a Drama in four acts. Adapted from Dickens’s “David Copperfield,” by Andrew Halliday.
Little Emily, a play in four acts. Adapted from Dickens’s “David Copperfield,” by Andrew Halliday.
Lady Dedlock’s Secret, a Drama in Four Acts. Founded on an episode in “Bleak House,” by J. Palgrave Simpson. Opera Comique Theatre, London, March 26, 1884. (French.)
Lady Dedlock’s Secret, a Drama in Four Acts. Based on a scene in “Bleak House,” by J. Palgrave Simpson. Opera Comique Theatre, London, March 26, 1884. (French.)
“Move on,” or Jo, the Outcast, a Drama in Three Acts. Adapted by James Mortimer. Not published.
“Move on,” or Jo, the Outcast, a Drama in Three Acts. Adapted by James Mortimer. Not published.
Poor Jo, a Drama in Three Acts. Adapted by Terry Hurst. Not published.
Poor Jo, a Drama in Three Acts. Adapted by Terry Hurst. Not published.
Jo, a Drama in Three Acts, by J. P. Burnett. Not published.
Jo, a Drama in Three Acts, by J. P. Burnett. Not published.
Bleak House; or Poor “Jo.” A Drama, in Four Acts. Adapted by George Lander. Pavilion Theatre, London, March 27, 1876. (Dicks 388.)
Bleak House; or Poor “Jo.” A Drama, in Four Acts. Adapted by George Lander. Pavilion Theatre, London, March 27, 1876. (Dicks 388.)
Hard Times. A Domestic Drama, in Three Acts, by T. Fox Cooper. Strand Theatre, London, August 14, 1854. (Dicks.)
Hard Times. A Domestic Drama, in Three Acts, by T. Fox Cooper. Strand Theatre, London, August 14, 1854. (Dicks.)
No Thorough Fare; a Drama in Five Acts, and a Prologue. By Charles Dickens and W. Wilkie Collins. Adelphi Theatre, London, December 26, 1867, and afterwards in Paris. Printed in New York.
No Thorough Fare; a Drama in Five Acts, and a Prologue. By Charles Dickens and W. Wilkie Collins. Adelphi Theatre, London, December 26, 1867, and later in Paris. Printed in New York.
Identity; or, No Thoroughfare. A Drama in Four Acts. By Louis Lequel. New York. (French.)
Identity; or, No Thoroughfare. A Drama in Four Acts. By Louis Lequel. New York. (French.)
L’Abime, drame en cinq actes. (Founded on “No Thoroughfare.”) Paris, 1868.
The Abyss, a drama in five acts. (Based on “No Thoroughfare.”) Paris, 1868.
The Tale of Two Cities; or, the Incarcerated Victim of the Bastille. An Historical Drama, in a Prologue and four acts. Adapted by T. Fox Cooper. First performed at the Victoria Theatre, London, July 7, 1860. (Dicks.)
The Tale of Two Cities; or, the Incarcerated Victim of the Bastille. A Historical Drama, in a Prologue and four acts. Adapted by T. Fox Cooper. First performed at the Victoria Theatre, London, July 7, 1860. (Dicks.)
A Tale of Two Cities; a Drama in two acts and a Prologue. By Tom Taylor. Lyceum Theatre, London, January 30, 1860. (Lacy 661.)
A Tale of Two Cities; a Drama in two acts and a Prologue. By Tom Taylor. Lyceum Theatre, London, January 30, 1860. (Lacy 661.)
The Tale of Two Cities; a Drama in three acts and a Prologue. Adapted by H. J. Rivers. London.
The Tale of Two Cities; a Drama in three acts and a Prologue. Adapted by H. J. Rivers. London.
A Message from the Sea, a Drama in Four Acts. Founded on Charles Dickens’s tale of that name, by John Brougham. Britannia Theatre, London, 1861. (Dicks 459.)
A Message from the Sea, a Drama in Four Acts. Based on Charles Dickens’s story of the same name, by John Brougham. Britannia Theatre, London, 1861. (Dicks 459.)
A Message from the Sea; a Drama in Three Acts. By Charles Dickens and W. Wilkie Collins. London, 1861.
A Message from the Sea; a Drama in Three Acts. By Charles Dickens and W. Wilkie Collins. London, 1861.
The Dead Witness; or Sin and its Shadow. A Drama in Three Acts, by Wybert Reeve, founded on “The Widow’s Story” of The Seven Poor Travellers, by C. Dickens. First produced at the Sheffield Theatre. (S. French 1472.)
The Dead Witness; or Sin and its Shadow. A Drama in Three Acts, by Wybert Reeve, based on “The Widow’s Story” from The Seven Poor Travellers, by C. Dickens. First performed at the Sheffield Theatre. (S. French 1472.)
Great Expectations, a Drama in Three Acts, and a Prologue. By W. S. Gilbert. Not published.
Great Expectations, a Drama in Three Acts, and a Prologue. By W. S. Gilbert. Not published.
Dickens himself did not often attempt parody, but his Reports of the Meetings of the “Mudfog Association” are admirable prose burlesques of the early proceedings of the British Association. These originally appeared in “Bentley’s Miscellany,” but have recently been republished.
Dickens didn’t often try his hand at parody, but his Reports of the Meetings of the “Mudfog Association” are fantastic prose satirizations of the early sessions of the British Association. These first appeared in “Bentley’s Miscellany,” but have been republished recently.
(For remainder of this old street ballad see p. 276 of The Life and Times of James Catnach, by Charles Hindley. London. Reeves & Turner, 1878.)
(For the rest of this old street ballad see p. 276 of The Life and Times of James Catnach, by Charles Hindley. London. Reeves & Turner, 1878.)
It should have been stated that the Parodies on Dickens, quoted from The World on p. 215, were written by the Rev. W. H. A. Emra, of Salisbury (“New Sarum”) and by Mr. Walter Fletcher, of Hornsey. (“Robert le Diable.”)
It should have been mentioned that the Parodies on Dickens, quoted from The World on p. 215, were written by Rev. W. H. A. Emra from Salisbury (“New Sarum”) and Mr. Walter Fletcher from Hornsey. (“Robert le Diable.”)
Amongst the parodies of Coventry Patmore which appeared on p. 194, mention should have been made of one which will be found in Mr. A. C. Swinburne’s Heptalogia, published by Chatto & Windus. It is called The Person of the House, and is in four Idyls, “The Monthly Nurse,” “The Caudle,” “The Sentences,” and “The Kid.”
Among the parodies of Coventry Patmore that appeared on p. 194, one that should have been mentioned is found in Mr. A. C. Swinburne’s Heptalogia, published by Chatto & Windus. It's titled The Person of the House, and consists of four Idyls: “The Monthly Nurse,” “The Caudle,” “The Sentences,” and “The Kid.”
When Mr. Coventry Patmore’s “Angel in the House” was first published, the Athenæum furnished the following unique criticism:—
When Mr. Coventry Patmore’s “Angel in the House” was first published, the Athenæum provided the following distinctive review:—
“The gentle reader we apprise, that this new Angel in the House Contains a tale not very wise, About a person and a spouse. The author, gentle as a lamb, Has managèd his rhymes to fit, And haply fancies he has writ Another ‘In Memoriam.’ How his intended gathered flowers, And took her tea and after sung, Is told in style somewhat like ours, For delectation of the young. But, reader, lest you say we quiz The poet’s record of his she, Some little pictures you shall see, Not in our language but in his:
“The gentle reader we inform that this new Angel in the House contains a story not very wise, about a person and a spouse. The author, as gentle as a lamb, has managed to fit his rhymes together and perhaps fancies he has written another ‘In Memoriam.’ How his intended gathered flowers, took her tea, and then sang is told in a style somewhat like ours, for the enjoyment of the young. But, reader, lest you say we mock the poet’s account of his lady, you will see some small pictures, not in our language but in his:
Fear not this saline Cousin Fred; He gives no tragic mischief birth; There are no tears for you to shed, Unless they may be tears of mirth. From ball to bed, from field to farm, The tale flows nicely purling on; With much conceit there is no harm, In the love-legend here begun. The rest will come another day, If public sympathy allows; And this is all we have to say About the ‘Angel in the House.’”
Fear not this salty Cousin Fred; He brings no tragic trouble; There are no tears for you to cry, Unless they might be tears of laughter. From party to bed, from field to farm, The story flows smoothly on; With a bit of pride there is no harm, In the love story that’s just begun. The rest will come another day, If public support permits; And that’s all we have to say About the ‘Angel in the House.’”
——:o:——
——:o:——
OXFORD COMMEMORATION.
Oxford Memorial.
“The Encænia,” or Commemoration of Founders and Benefactors which took place in June last, was marked by all the customary boisterous merriment on the part of the undergraduates. The ladies were cheered as usual, whilst marks of disapprobation were addressed at all persons whose attire presented any features of singularity. The Vice-Chancellor’s Latin address was inaudible on account of the interruptions, many of which were in excessively bad taste. The Proctors were loudly hissed, and called upon to retire, and as they did not attempt to do so, they were requested to sing a duet.
“The Encænia,” or Commemoration of Founders and Benefactors, which happened last June, was filled with all the usual loud celebrations from the undergraduates. The ladies were cheered as expected, while everyone voiced their disapproval toward anyone whose clothing stood out in any way. The Vice-Chancellor’s Latin speech was hard to hear because of the interruptions, many of which were in very poor taste. The Proctors were loudly booed and asked to leave, and since they didn’t try to do so, they were urged to sing a duet.
It is only perhaps in Oxford that such conduct on the part of educated men, presumably gentlemen, would be tolerated; as it was described (in imitation of Carlyle) fifteen years ago, so it remains:—
It’s probably only in Oxford that such behavior from educated men, who are supposed to be gentlemen, would be accepted; as it was described (in imitation of Carlyle) fifteen years ago, so it remains:—
“What is Commemoration? Wherefore? Whereunto? Why? Is it a mere vacuous Inanition, or speck cut out of this little world, or has it not rather contrariwise some Meaning, apart from that which is wrapt up in meness and youness and every-one-else-ness, and two or three more beside?
“What is Commemoration? Why? What is its purpose? Is it just empty and pointless, or is it something significant that stands out from this small world? Does it have some meaning beyond just being tied to individual identities and the existence of others?”
Nay, is it not Portentous, Big with Signs, with its show Sunday, its Dances, its Encænia and what not?
No, isn't it significant, full of meaning, with its display on Sunday, its dances, its celebrations, and so on?
Is it not a time when it is permitted to Man to wriggle out of the inextricable snares of the Fowler with his Attorney-logic, and the frothy effervescences of defunct and buried-in-dusty tomes Antiquity which are nomen-clated Lectures? And to be Oblivious of these Gehenna-Bailiffs emissaried by professors in Tailor-craft, Wine-craft, and the innumerable other crafts and mysteries ranking under the genus Productive Industry. Aye, and those gaily apparelled young ladies (Madchen) who confluctuate hither as to a Focus, or centre of Attraction, though they themselves are also an Attraction, which is an inextricable mystery of Involvedness; do not these too teach a lesson to the gawks, in whose heads is nothing but the Roots of their World restored Hair, and who imagine that the whole Furniture of that digesting mechanism, Man, is but a Lay-figure, gifted indeed, with struttableness and swagger, on which to hang their Peacock-plumes, fringes, cobwebs, and such.
Isn't it a time when it's okay for a man to escape from the complicated traps set by the lawyers with their tricky arguments, and the outdated nonsense from old, dusty books that are called lectures? And to forget about those relentless, annoying enforcers sent by professors in various fields like tailoring, winemaking, and the countless other trades that fall under productive industry. Yes, and those brightly dressed young ladies who come here as a focus or center of attraction, even though they themselves are also an attraction, which is a puzzling mystery; don't they too teach a lesson to the clueless, whose heads are filled only with the remnants of their past hairstyles, and who think that the entire makeup of human beings is just a dummy, indeed gifted with style and swagger, meant to display their showy feathers, fringes, cobwebs, and such?
And there is the Encænia too, with its Chaotic Hubbub of Tympanum-splitting Noise, Undergraduates Noise, Ticket admitted Noise, as it were a sort of Tenfold Bedlam smitten with Interjectional Rabies, of groanings and yelpings, Approbation, Depreciation, and the like.”
And then there's the Encænia too, with its chaotic noise, ear-piercing sounds, the chatter of undergrads, the noise from ticket admissions, like a crazy bedlam filled with wild outbursts, groans and yelps, cheers and criticisms, and all that.
* * * * *
Sure, please provide the text you'd like me to modernize.
From The Shotover Papers. Oxford. 1874.
From The Shotover Papers. Oxford. 1874.
“The Irish Revolution, a history in three books.” By Thomas Snarlyle. Such is the title of a parody, to be found in The Puppet-Showman’s Album, published about 1848, which concludes with a sentence curiously appropriate to these times:—
“The Irish Revolution, a history in three books.” By Thomas Snarlyle. This is the title of a parody found in The Puppet-Showman’s Album, published around 1848, which ends with a sentence oddly fitting for these times:—
“Ireland, Ireland, thy leaders are in jail. But be not a Rachel weeping for these children, be comforted!”
“Ireland, Ireland, your leaders are in jail. But don’t be like Rachel, weeping for her children; be comforted!”
——:o:——
——:o:——
JOHN RUSKIN.
John Ruskin.
Let us take a small extract from his notes on Samuel Prout and William Hunt’s loan collection of pictures:—
Let’s look at a brief excerpt from his notes on Samuel Prout and William Hunt’s loan collection of photos:—
“That little brown-red butterfly [142] … is a piece of real painting; and it is as good as Titian or anybody else ever did, and if you can enjoy it you can enjoy Titian and all other good painters; and if you can’t see anything in it you can’t see anything in them, and its all affectation and pretence to say that you care about them. And with this butterfly in the drawing I put first, please look at the mug and loaf in the one I have put last of the Hunt series, No. 171. The whole art of painting is in that mug—as the fisherman’s 230 genius was in the bottle. If you can feel how beautiful it is, how ethereal, how heathery, and heavenly, as well as to the uttermost muggy, you have an eye for colour and can enjoy heather, heaven, and everything else below and above. If not, you must enjoy what you can contentedly, but it won’t be painting; and in mugs it will be more the beer than the crockery, and on the moors rather grouse than heather.”
“That little brown-red butterfly [142] … is a real piece of art; it’s as good as anything by Titian or any other great painter. If you can appreciate it, you can appreciate Titian and all the other talented artists; and if you can’t see anything in it, you won’t see anything in them, and it’s all just pretense to say you care about them. Now, with this butterfly in the first drawing, please take a look at the mug and loaf in the one I’ve put last in the Hunt series, No. 171. The entire art of painting is in that mug—just like the fisherman’s genius was in the bottle. If you can feel how beautiful it is, how ethereal, how heather-like and heavenly, as well as utterly ordinary, you have an eye for color and can appreciate heather, heaven, and everything else around you. If not, you’ll have to find enjoyment where you can, but it won’t be in painting; with mugs, you’ll lean more towards the beer than the crockery, and on the moors, more toward grouse than heather.”
For those who have neglected the opportunity of testing their taste for art on this butterfly, and on this mug, I would advise a visit to Venice, to learn whether they can appreciate Bassano’s hair trunk, as shown in his grand picture of the Pope Alexander and the Doge of Venice. It is not Ruskin, but Mark Twain who thus describes it:
For those who have missed the chance to test their taste in art on this butterfly and on this mug, I recommend visiting Venice to see if they can appreciate Bassano’s hair trunk as depicted in his grand painting of Pope Alexander and the Doge of Venice. It is not Ruskin, but Mark Twain who describes it like this:
“The hair of this trunk is real hair, so to speak, white in patches, brown in patches. The details are finely worked out; the repose proper to hair in a recumbent and inactive condition, is charmingly expressed. There is a feeling about this part of the work, which lifts it to the highest altitudes of art; the sense of sordid realism vanishes away—one recognizes that there is soul here. View this trunk as you will, it is a gem, it is a marvel, it is a miracle. Some of the effects are very daring, approaching even to the boldest flights of the rococo, the sirocco, and the Byzantine schools. Yet the master’s hand never falters—it moves on, calm, majestic, confident; and, with that art which conceals art, it finally casts over the tout ensemble, by mysterious methods of its own, a subtle something which refines, subdues, etherealizes the arid components, and endues them with the deep charm and gracious witchery of poesy. Among the art-treasures of Europe there are pictures which approach the hair trunk—there are two which may be said to equal it, possibly—but there is none that surpasses it.”
“The hair of this trunk is real hair, so to speak, with patches of white and patches of brown. The details are finely crafted; the natural way hair rests when it's lying down and inactive is beautifully portrayed. There’s a feeling about this part of the piece that elevates it to the highest levels of art; the sense of grim realism disappears—it's clear there is soul here. No matter how you look at this trunk, it is a gem, a marvel, a miracle. Some of the effects are quite bold, even touching on the most daring elements of rococo, sirocco, and Byzantine styles. Yet the master’s hand never wavers—it moves with calmness, majesty, and confidence; and with that art which conceals art, it ultimately applies a subtle something over the tout ensemble, through its own mysterious methods, which refines, softens, and elevates the dry components, infusing them with the deep charm and enchanting quality of poetry. Among the art treasures of Europe, there are artworks that come close to this hair trunk—there are two that could be said to match it, perhaps—but none that exceed it.”
On All Fours Clavigera;
On All Fours Clavigera;
OR, Right at Last.
OR, Finally Right.
It may be remembered that Professor Buskin during the Spring addressed a letter to a provincial paper, respecting the projected new railway for Derbyshire. As he therein expressed some very strong opinions against the scheme, as one likely to give the miserable, melancholy, and toiling millions who dwell in smoke-stifling and unwholesome towns, an occasional chance of letting a little bright fresh air and sunlight in upon the gloom of their darkened lives, it is satisfactory to know that the letter in question is now believed to have been a clever hoax. At any rate, the zenith of that boon to millions, the summer excursion season has produced a second communication to the same journal: and, as it not only bears the Professor’s signature, but breathes with the spirit of his larger philanthropy, there can be little doubt as to its authenticity.
It may be remembered that Professor Buskin, during the Spring, sent a letter to a local newspaper about the proposed new railway for Derbyshire. In that letter, he expressed some very strong opinions against the plan, arguing that it would give the unfortunate, weary millions who live in polluted and unhealthy towns a rare opportunity to experience a bit of fresh air and sunlight in their otherwise bleak lives. It’s reassuring to learn that the mentioned letter is now thought to have been a clever prank. At any rate, the peak of that blessing for millions, the summer vacation season, has led to a second letter to the same publication: and since it not only has the Professor's signature but also reflects his broader humanitarian spirit, there’s little doubt about its authenticity.
In the course of this second letter, Professor Buskin says:—
In this second letter, Professor Buskin says:
“I do not know how this mental revolution has come about within me, nor, were you to ask me, could I tell you. I only recognise the stupendous fact that I feel, and am not ashamed to avow, that I no longer regard the wild witchery of the Derbyshire glens as a precious and special property held by Providence in trust for me and a few exclusive well-to-do Sybarites for our sole select and selfish delectation.
“I don’t know how this mental shift has happened within me, nor could I explain it if you asked. All I realize is the amazing fact that I feel, and I’m not ashamed to admit, that I no longer see the wild beauty of the Derbyshire dales as a special treasure held by fate just for me and a few wealthy elite for our private enjoyment.”
* * * * *
(Understood, please provide the text.)
Here it is, this Derbyshire Garden of Eden, with its magic-lantern-slide effects, lost for ever and for ever to everyone save to you and to me and the lucky Stall-sitters who hold, out of the overflowing fulness of their purses, the front places in the world’s glittering show, to the shifting and shutting out of the humbler and poorer from the sight and sense of it.”
Here it is, this Derbyshire Garden of Eden, with its magical visual effects, lost forever to everyone except for you, me, and the fortunate Stall-sitters who have the means to secure front-row spots in the world’s dazzling spectacle, pushing the less privileged and poorer out of view and away from experiencing it.
“Follow, if you can, without wetted feet, the floretted banks and foam-crisped wavelets of the slyly wilful stream. Into the very heart and depth of this, and politely bending with the bends of it, your railway introduces its close-clinging attention. The rocks are not big enough to be tunnelled, they are cheerily blasted away; the brook is not wide enough to be bridged, it is comfortably covered in, and is thence-forward no physical obstacle to an enterprising Railway Company. I have not said, I leave the clergyman and physician to say, what moral and sanitary changes follow a free access to the gifts of Nature. But I may, at least, advise your correspondent that envenomed air is deadlier to the young than the old, and that the sooner a completed line of railway enables the pent-up thousands of pestiferous cities to figure as three-and-sixpenny excursionists, if only for a few hours, amidst these hitherto inaccessible fairy haunts, the sooner will English children who have been reared in mephitic fume instead of mountain breeze, who have had for playground heaps of ashes instead of banks of flowers, whose Christmas holidays brought them no memory, whose Easter sun no hope, enjoy some of the blessed delight of breezy hillside and sunlit glen hitherto claimed as the special and peculiar heirloom of that unreasoning and wrong-headed class who, singing the sweet song of Nature’s praise, defame that priceless metal line which, like some mighty wizard, alone has borne their welcome echo to a myriad aching city hearts.”
“Follow, if you can, without wet feet, the flower-lined banks and foamy little waves of the crafty, willful stream. Into the very heart of this, and politely bending with its curves, your railway introduces its close attention. The rocks aren’t big enough to be tunneled through; they’re cheerfully blasted away. The creek isn’t wide enough to be bridged; it’s comfortably covered over, and from then on, it’s no physical obstacle to an ambitious Railway Company. I haven’t said, and I’ll let the clergyman and doctor discuss it, what moral and health changes come from easy access to Nature’s gifts. But I can at least advise your correspondent that polluted air is more harmful to the young than the old, and that the sooner a completed railway line allows the crowded thousands of disease-ridden cities to enjoy the bliss of a three-and-sixpenny excursion, even if just for a few hours, in these previously unreachable magical spots, the sooner English children raised in toxic fumes instead of mountain breezes, who have played in ash heaps instead of flower-filled banks, whose Christmas holidays brought them no joy, whose Easter sun brought no hope, will experience some of the blessed delight of breezy hillsides and sunlit valleys, which until now have been reserved for that unreasonable and misguided class who, singing the sweet song of Nature's praise, disparage that priceless metal line which, like a powerful wizard, alone has carried their welcome echo to countless aching city hearts.”
Punch. August 23, 1884.
Punch. August 23, 1884.
On Toothpicks.
On Toothpicks.
By Professor Buskin.
By Prof. Buskin.
I came the other day quite by chance on this piece of news in my Daily Telegraph:—“It is said that no less than 25 millions of Toothpicks are annually made in England. This is just one to each person.” “Just one?” No, there is no justice here, it is all injustice. Think of this—25 millions, and think further of the 25 millions of Englishmen who can use them. Yes, this is what England has come to be—a nation of Toothpickers; for mark this, each man can use a toothpick if he will; if he can by fair means or foul (too often, alas, by foul!) obtain the paltry coin to purchase the Tooth-pick with.
I came across this piece of news in my Daily Telegraph the other day: “It's said that no less than 25 million toothpicks are made each year in England. That's just one for every person.” “Just one?” No, that's not fair; it's all unfairness. Think about it—25 million, and consider the 25 million Englishmen who can use them. Yes, this is what England has turned into—a nation of toothpick users; because remember, each man can use a toothpick if he wants to; if he can, by any means (too often, unfortunately, by unethical means!) get the spare change to buy the toothpick.
But then these dilettanti-scribblers, these writers in the newspapers who are paid for their scribbling, these folk (forsooth!) say, “what have you to do with this—this Toothpicking?” I answer we have all to do with it. For hear, yea, and forbear with me a minute while I speak to you of this same Toothpicking.
But then these amateur writers, these newspaper scribes who get paid for their writing, these people (really!) say, “what do you have to do with this—this Toothpicking?” I respond that we all have to do with it. So listen, and bear with me for a minute while I talk to you about this same Toothpicking.
Friends, it comes to this. Picking is a natural attribute of man. He must throughout life be a picker. But now comes the momentous question, a picker of what? A picker of knowledge, a dabbler in all the ’ologies, an admirable Crichton, veriest of prigs, or a picker of locks, a red-handed burglar, a hero of penny novels, or will he be a picker of teeth, a drawling vacuity weary of himself, weary of every thing, an inane hanger on to the skirts of the Universe? Will not the brave man, the wise man, the man of resolve, of energy, of endurance, a picker of roads, will he not go forth to beautify Hincksey, to plant the new 231 Utopia, to commence the Era of Æstheticism, and of the Fors?
Friends, it all comes down to this. Picking is a natural trait of humans. Throughout life, we have to be pickers. But now comes the important question: a picker of what? A picker of knowledge, a dabbler in all the fields of study, a remarkable Crichton, the utmost of pretenders, or a picker of locks, a thief caught red-handed, a character from cheap novels, or will he become a picker of teeth, a monotonous person tired of himself, tired of everything, a mindless follower of the Universe? Will not the brave man, the wise man, the determined man, the one full of energy, of endurance, a picker of paths, go out to beautify Hincksey, to plant the new 231 Utopia, to start the Era of Aestheticism, and of the Fors?
Now, turning his picking propensities to some real use, he will learn to do hard work, to blister his hands, to wheel barrows, to preach Buskinism.
Now, focusing his tendency to pick at things on something productive, he will learn to work hard, to toughen up his hands, to push wheelbarrows, and to advocate for Buskinism.
From The Shotover Papers. Oxford, 1874.
From The Shotover Papers. Oxford, 1874.
Mr. Ruskin is a depressing pessimist, according to whom nearly everything that was done in England three centuries or so ago was lovely and true, whilst all nineteenth century progress is in the wrong direction. “I know of nothing” he writes “that has been taught the youth of our time except that their fathers were apes, and their mothers winkles; that the world began in accident, and will end in darkness; that honour is a folly, ambition a virtue, charity a vice, poverty a crime, and rascality the means of all wealth and the sum of all wisdom.” Now these sweeping assertions are false, and Mr. Ruskin knows they are false, he could not advance a tittle of proof that any professor in modern times had inculcated any such doctrines. Those who want an antidote to Mr. Ruskin’s views should read “Pre-Raffaelitism; or a Popular enquiry into some newly-asserted Principles connected with the Philosophy, Poetry, Religion and Revolution of Art” by the Rev. Edward Young, M.A. London: Longmans & Co., 1857.
Mr. Ruskin is a gloomy pessimist who believes that almost everything done in England three hundred years ago was beautiful and authentic, while all the progress made in the nineteenth century is misguided. “I know of nothing,” he writes, “that has been taught to today's youth except that their fathers were apes and their mothers were winkles; that the world began by accident and will end in darkness; that honor is a foolishness, ambition a virtue, charity a vice, poverty a crime, and dishonesty the means of all wealth and the essence of all wisdom.” These broad claims are untrue, and Mr. Ruskin knows they are untrue; he could not provide a shred of evidence that any modern professor has taught such doctrines. Those looking for an antidote to Mr. Ruskin’s views should read “Pre-Raffaelitism; or a Popular Inquiry into Some Newly Asserted Principles Connected with the Philosophy, Poetry, Religion, and Revolution of Art” by the Rev. Edward Young, M.A. London: Longmans & Co., 1857.
OUIDA.
Moll Marine:
Moll Marine
(By “Weeder.”)
(By “Weeder.”)
Moll Marine! A simple, touching name! It had been bestowed upon her by the rude country hinds among whom she dwelt. It was all she received at their hands besides blows and curses. Moll was a common name in those parts, but none knew what it meant, none discerned the hidden poetry in that brief monosyllable. Moll Marine they called her, because she came among them as a waif from the wild waves, as a white foam fleck that the winds toss on to the cold rocks to gleam a moment in the setting sun, and then dissolve for ever into the dews of night.
Moll Marine! A simple, poignant name! It was given to her by the rough country folks among whom she lived. It was all she received from them besides blows and insults. Moll was a common name in that area, but no one understood its meaning, no one recognized the hidden beauty in that short word. They called her Moll Marine because she appeared among them like a stray from the wild waves, like a white foam flake that the winds toss onto the cold rocks to shine for a moment in the setting sun, and then vanish forever into the night dew.
She was only fifteen, tall and graceful as a young poplar, with a warm brown skin and a scented wealth of amber hair. Everybody hated her. “It was natural,” she thought. They beat her, but she cared not. She was like a lucifer; they struck her, and she blazed forth resplendent; beautiful as the spotted panther of the forest, as the shapely thistle that the ass crops unheeding, as the beaming comet that shakes out her golden tresses in the soft hush of summer nights.
She was just fifteen, tall and graceful like a young poplar, with warm brown skin and a fragrant mane of amber hair. Everyone hated her. “It was expected,” she thought. They beat her, but she didn’t mind. She was like a firestarter; they hit her, and she shone even brighter; beautiful like a spotted panther in the forest, like the striking thistle that the donkey munches on carelessly, like the glowing comet that unfurls her golden hair in the gentle calm of summer nights.
And she loved. Loved madly, passionately, hopelessly.
And she loved. Loved intensely, passionately, with no hope.
He knew it. He knew that he had but to say, “Come!” and she would follow him to disgrace or death, to polar snows or deserts arid as Gehenna. To him she was nothing. No more than the painted fly he pinned in sport, than the yellow meadow flowers that he crushed beneath his heel, than the soft tender doves whose downy necks he wrung and whose bodies he eat with cruel relish.
He knew it. He knew that all he had to say was, “Come!” and she would follow him into disgrace or death, to icy polar regions or deserts as dry as hell. To him, she was nothing. No more than the colorful fly he pinned for fun, than the yellow meadow flowers he crushed under his foot, than the gentle doves whose soft necks he broke and whose bodies he consumed with cruel pleasure.
[We regret to say that the rest of this contribution is improper, and unfit for publication.—Ed.]
[We’re sorry to say that the rest of this piece is inappropriate and not suitable for publication.—Ed.]
From The Light Green. Cambridge, 1872.
From The Light Green. Cambridge, 1872.
The World prize competition, for parodies on Ouida’s Under Two Flags, subject “The Cambridgshire Stakes.”
The World prize competition, for parodies on Ouida’s Under Two Flags, topic “The Cambridgshire Stakes.”
First Prize.
First Place.
‘Seven to 5 on Leoville; 9 to 3 on Lartington; 10 to 2 on Falmouth; 13 to 4 Flotsam; 17 to 9 Exeter; the Field bar one; 22 to 8 Lord Clive; 33 to 12 Discord! Take the Field bar one; take the Field!’ yelled a burly bookmaker, as an elegant young patrician redolent of Jockey Club sauntered past him.
‘Seven to 5 on Leoville; 9 to 3 on Lartington; 10 to 2 on Falmouth; 13 to 4 Flotsam; 17 to 9 Exeter; the Field bar one; 22 to 8 Lord Clive; 33 to 12 Discord! Take the Field bar one; take the Field!’ shouted a big bookmaker as a stylish young nobleman, smelling of the Jockey Club, walked by him.
‘I do take it in; also the Life,’ said the noble, as he flicked some dust from his spotless boots, and then he blew his nose gracefully.
‘I do take it in; also the Life,’ said the noble, as he flicked some dust off his spotless boots, and then he blew his nose elegantly.
‘O, stow yer larks!’ said the other; but the next moment he repented using such language; for the apparently delicate nobleman had carelessly taken him by the seat of his trousers and thrown him over the rails, as though he had been a feather, instead of weighing at least 15 stone.
‘Oh, stop your nonsense!’ said the other; but the next moment he regretted using such language; for the seemingly delicate nobleman had carelessly grabbed him by the seat of his trousers and tossed him over the rails, as if he were a feather, instead of weighing at least 15 stone.
‘Curse him!’ he muttered, as he came back trying to look pleased. ‘What d’yer want to do, my lord?’ he said, with a ghastly smile.
‘Curse him!’ he muttered, as he returned trying to appear happy. ‘What do you want to do, my lord?’ he said, with a forced smile.
Mentioning a horse, the haughty young aristocrat asked what he would lay against it.
Mentioning a horse, the arrogant young aristocrat asked what he would bet against it.
‘Against it?’ said the welcher. ‘Well, it ain’t usual for us to lay against ’em; but I’ll give yer 4 to 2.’
‘Against it?’ said the gambler. ‘Well, it’s not typical for us to bet against them; but I’ll give you 4 to 2.’
‘Very well,’ wearily replied the marquis; ‘in half millions. I also want to back it for a lady, in gloves.’
‘Okay,’ the marquis replied tiredly; ‘in half millions. I also want to support it for a woman, in gloves.’
‘Wery good, my lord; dogskin or kid?’
‘Very good, my lord; dogskin or kid?’
This of course could only be meant for insult. The peer looked at him half amused, half disgusted, and walked listlessly away.
This was obviously intended to be an insult. The nobleman looked at him with a mix of amusement and disgust, then walked away without much motivation.
The welcher scowled after him with bitter hatred; but just then the bell rang, and he hurried off to see the horses and jockeys weighed. When he arrived at the shed he found all ready but one, the jockey who was to ride the horse he had laid against. He was just sitting down to dinner.
The guy glared at him with intense anger; but just then the bell rang, and he rushed off to check the horses and jockeys' weights. When he got to the shed, everything was set except for one jockey—the one who was supposed to ride the horse he bet against. He was just about to sit down for dinner.
‘They’re waiting for you,’ said a steward, rushing into the room.
‘They’re waiting for you,’ said a steward, hurrying into the room.
‘Ask them to wait a little longer; I shall be ready in forty minutes,’ said the jockey, taking a spoonful of potage à la Tortue.
‘Ask them to wait a bit longer; I’ll be ready in forty minutes,’ said the jockey, taking a spoonful of turtle soup.
The steward rushed out somewhat excitedly.
The steward rushed out, clearly excited.
‘Now’s my time,’ said the welcher, and creeping behind the light weight he gently unfastened one of his spurs, and put another in its place. He had scarcely finished when the referee came in to say that the starter would wait no longer. Quaffing a large goblet of champagne, the jockey murmured, ‘Che, sara, sara,’ and staggered out. Why did the welcher look so fiendish. He had fastened on the jockey’s boot a spur with painted rowels.
‘Now’s my time,’ said the cheater, and sneaking behind the lightweight, he carefully took off one of his spurs and replaced it with another. He had just finished when the referee came in to say that the starter wouldn’t wait any longer. Gulping down a big glass of champagne, the jockey mumbled, ‘Whatever will be, will be,’ and stumbled out. Why did the cheater look so sinister? He had attached a spur with painted rowels to the jockey’s boot.
Following him out, he could just see him galloping down the course, and hear the people cheer as their favourite went by in his crimson jacket, with scarlet sash, green hoops, pink sleeves, and yellow cap. Before he could get to the starting-box the horses were off; but disdaining to join them in the middle of the race, and wishing also to exchange a few compliments with the starter, he rode up to him, and after relieving his mind, dashed after the others. By the time he got to the ‘Corner’ he was only two furlongs behind; at the distance a hundred yards; at the Red House fifty; and as they passed the Stand he was but a length from the leaders. He touched his gallant steed with the spur for a final effort; but instead of leaving the others behind as usual, it staggered, stopped, and went to sleep. The laudanum had done its work. Just then his rider heard a great shout, and looking up saw thousands of arms carrying the victorious jockey back to the scales. La Merveille had won the Cambridgeshire.
Following him out, he could just see him galloping down the track, and hear the crowd cheer as their favorite went by in his crimson jacket, with a scarlet sash, green hoops, pink sleeves, and yellow cap. Before he could reach the starting box, the horses were off; but not wanting to join them in the middle of the race and also wanting to exchange a few words with the starter, he rode up to him, and after expressing his thoughts, dashed after the others. By the time he reached the ‘Corner’, he was only two furlongs behind; at the distance, a hundred yards; at the Red House, fifty; and as they passed the Stand he was just a length away from the leaders. He urged his brave horse with the spur for one last effort; but instead of pulling ahead like usual, it staggered, stopped, and fell asleep. The laudanum had done its work. Just then, his rider heard a loud cheer, and looking up saw thousands of arms carrying the victorious jockey back to the scales. La Merveille had won the Cambridgeshire.
Oracle. (E. E. D. Davis.)
Oracle. (E. E. D. Davis.)
Second Prize.
Second Place.
‘Four to none against Hartington!’ ‘8 to none against Sarserperiller!’ ‘25 to none against Stylites!’ (pronounced by the ‘welchers’ as a dissyllable, like Skylights). ‘20 to none against Lar Mervilly!’ (La Merveille). ‘2 to none bar none!’ These and a hundred other cries rose high above the roar of the Ring on the bright October afternoon that shone for the nonce over the wide windy fens and sandy loams of Cambridgeshire and Suffolk on the day of the last great scrambling handicap of the year.
‘Four to none against Hartington!’ ‘8 to none against Sarserperiller!’ ‘25 to none against Stylites!’ (pronounced by the ‘welchers’ as a two-syllable word, like Skylights). ‘20 to none against Lar Mervilly!’ (La Merveille). ‘2 to none bar none!’ These and a hundred other shouts echoed high above the noise of the Ring on the bright October afternoon that shone, for the moment, over the wide, windy fens and sandy loams of Cambridgeshire and Suffolk on the day of the last major scrambling handicap of the year.
Maunderers muttering to their moustaches, layers, takers, ‘ossy’ cards, tiptop swells, who had ‘put the pot on’ to any extent, ladies of rank and ladies of pleasure (the latter in sealskin and velvet, and gracefully puffing the daintiest of papilitos)—all, with an instinct of stupidity, came down eager for a ‘go in’ on the scratching Cambridgeshire.
Mutterers grumbling under their breath, layers, hustlers, fancy cards, top-notch people, who had placed bets to any degree, high-ranking women and women of the night (the latter in sealskin and velvet, elegantly puffing the tiniest of papilitos)—all, with a sense of foolishness, rushed down eager to get in on the action at the Cambridgeshire races.
The bell was throbbing and sobbing spasmodically; and, as that cynosure of all eyes, Hartington, whose magnificently-desiccated veins bulged out black as the bloody cords of an injected ‘subject,’ strode grandly forth, a roar, deep as the voice of forests or the moan of the sea, went suddenly up—‘the crack!’
The bell was ringing and crying out in fits; and as everyone’s attention turned to Hartington, whose impressively dried-out veins bulged black like the bloody cords of an injected subject, he walked forward with great presence, and a roar, deep like the voice of forests or the moan of the sea, suddenly rose—‘the crack!’
La Merveille, the blue filly, whose neck had the Arch of Marble, was a thick, short, long-barrelled horse, with superb Watteau eyes, and an I’ll-take-the-conceit-out-of-a good-many-of-you-if-I-choose-looking head. She belonged to the Lord of the Durdans, Earl Elderberry, whose colours were Hebrew lily inclining to Primrose.
La Merveille, the blue filly, whose neck had the Arch of Marble, was a stocky, short, long-barreled horse, with stunning Watteau eyes, and a head that said, “I could take the arrogance out of quite a few of you if I wanted to.” She belonged to the Lord of the Durdans, Earl Elderberry, whose colors were a Hebrew lily leaning toward Primrose.
See! Twice ten thousand starters are hoisted in admirable time; the competitors muster at the post, and the coup d’œil, as they glimmer and shimmer there in the sunlight, is as that of an early Turner sunset gone ineffably mad.
Look! Twenty thousand runners are lifted in amazing time; the competitors gather at the starting line, and the coup d’œil, as they sparkle and shine in the sunlight, resembles a wild, early Turner sunset gone completely crazy.
Three breaks; the flag falls; a glorious start, and away they go like no end of a line of eager harlequins before their creditors. ‘Off!’ and Out of Pounds, after taking up the running, ‘compounded;’ Adamite fell; Sunburn cooled down; Caxtonian ‘pressed’ onward; Fitz-Pluto ‘warmed’ to his work. ‘Now!’ Blood lashes to fury. The Ring roars—‘It’s a skinner!’ And Breadloser, Lord Strive, Hartington, and Lar Mervilly dash like fiends through the cold, fresh, wild winter wind, blowing as it might have done in Stuart times, when Mistress Nell Gwynn, the fat King’s ‘fancy,’ was here to inhale it.
Three breaks; the flag drops; a glorious start, and off they go like a line of eager performers facing their creditors. ‘Off!’ and Out of Pounds, after taking the lead, ‘called it a day;’ Adamite fell off; Sunburn slowed down; Caxtonian pushed ahead; Fitz-Pluto got 'into the zone.' ‘Now!’ Blood lashes out in fury. The crowd roars—‘It’s a sure win!’ And Breadloser, Lord Strive, Hartington, and Lar Mervilly rush like crazy through the cold, fresh, wild winter wind, blowing just like it did in Stuart times, when Mistress Nell Gwynn, the chubby King’s ‘favorite,’ was here to enjoy it.
Lost? A palpitating lie!
Lost? A heart-pounding lie!
’Send me a cropper!’ exclaimed Constable, a ‘clipping’ jock who had landed many a mount. ‘Send me a cropper, if you like, but “plant” me a winner!’
’Send me a crash!’ exclaimed Constable, a ‘clipping’ jockey who had landed many a ride. ‘Send me a crash, if you want, but “give” me a winner!’
The blue filly answered with lightning spontaneity. Game to the last, Constable, a great Pickwick in his mouth, coaxed a final effort out of her. The delirium of pace was upon him. ‘Go in a perisher!’
The blue filly responded instantly. Still determined, Constable, with a big Pickwick in his mouth, pushed her for one last effort. He was caught up in the excitement of the speed. “Give it your all!”
On came the trio—on, until one last convulsive impulse of the outstretched limbs, and—hark! The cry has changed. ‘Mervilly wins!’
On came the trio—on, until one last convulsive movement of the outstretched limbs, and—listen! The cry has changed. ‘Mervilly wins!’
A thousand jewelled hands hold forth bouquets of hissing eau de Cologne. And Constable, true to the canons of his Order, ‘runs her in.’
A thousand jeweled hands offer bouquets of hissing eau de Cologne. And Constable, sticking to the rules of his Order, “takes her in.”
A cry as of the disappointed, the desperate, or the d—d, went out over the ghastly fens; seemed to reel from many a gallant ‘plunger’ in anticipation of an approaching ‘weigh-in.’ Next to first was Second; Better Last than Never, whose dominant instinct it was to lose, third.
A cry from the disappointed, the desperate, or the damned went out over the eerie marshes; it seemed to come from many brave “plungers” waiting for an upcoming “weigh-in.” Coming in second was Second; Better Last than Never, whose main instinct was to lose, came in third.
There was much wisdom after the event. Two minutes eight seconds! A man on a bicycle might have done it in less time!
There was a lot of insight after the event. Two minutes, eight seconds! A guy on a bike could have done it quicker!
Cyril. (James Silvester.)
Cyril. (James Silvester.)
The World November 12, 1879.
The World, November 12, 1879.
A parody of Ouida’s Ariadne was published in The Weekly Dispatch parody competition, September 13, 1885, but owing to the enforced brevity of the compositions, this one consisted of little more than a catalogue of names and facts, without any fun, or humour.
A spoof of Ouida’s Ariadne was published in the The Weekly Dispatch parody contest on September 13, 1885, but due to the required shortness of the entries, this one was mainly just a list of names and facts, lacking any humor or wit.
Of course Mr. F. C. Burnand wrote a parody on “Ouida,” it appeared in Punch in 1878, and was entitled “Strapmore! A Romance by Weeder, author of Folly and Farini, Under Two Rags, Arryadn’ty, Chuck, Two Little Wooden Jews, Nicotine, A Horse with Glanders, In Somers Town, Shamdross, &c., &c.” This wild weird story of blood and crime was republished in book form by Bradbury, Agnew & Co.
Of course, Mr. F. C. Burnand wrote a parody of “Ouida.” It was published in Punch in 1878 and was titled “Strapmore! A Romance by Weeder, author of Folly and Farini, Under Two Rags, Arryadn’ty, Chuck, Two Little Wooden Jews, Nicotine, A Horse with Glanders, In Somers Town, Shamdross, & c., & c.” This wild and bizarre story of blood and crime was later reissued in book form by Bradbury, Agnew & Co.
Judy also published a parody, entitled “Bluebottles. A Novel of Queer Society” Idylised à la Ouida. This was commenced July 7, 1880.
Judy also published a parody called “Bluebottles. A Novel of Queer Society” styled like Ouida. This began on July 7, 1880.
——:o:——
——:o:——
The following very happy burlesque of the nautical tales in the style of Captain Marryat and Captain Chamier, was written in 1842 by the late Professor W. E. Aytoun, who, in conjunction with Sir Theodore Martin, wrote the Bon Gaultier Ballads.
The following amusing parody of nautical stories, inspired by Captain Marryat and Captain Chamier, was written in 1842 by the late Professor W. E. Aytoun, who, along with Sir Theodore Martin, created the Bon Gaultier Ballads.
The Flying Dutchman.
The Flying Dutchman.
A Tale of the Sea.
A Story of the Ocean.
We were in the midst of the storm-tossed Atlantic. A heavy simoom, blowing N.E. by S., brought in the huge tropical billows mast-high from the Gulf of Labrador, and awoke old ocean, roaring in its fury, from its unfathomable depths. No moon was visible among the hurricane rack of the sky—even the pole-star, sole magnet of the mariner’s path, was buried in the murky obscurity of the tempest; nor was it possible to see which way the ship was steering, except by the long track of livid flames which followed in the wake of the bow, or when, at times, some huge leviathan leapt up from the water beside us, and descending with the vehemence of a rock hurled from heaven, drove up a shower of aquatic splinters, like a burst of liquid lava from the sea. All the sails which usually decorated the majestic masts of H.M.S. Syncope (a real seventy-nine of the old Trafalgar build, teak-built and copper fastened) were reefed tightly up, with the exception of the mainsail, the spritsail, the mizzen-boom sail, and a few others of minor consequence. Everything was cleared away—halyards, hencoop, and binnacle had been taken down below, to prevent accidents; and the whole of the crew, along with the marines and boarders, piped to their hammocks. No one remained upon deck except the steersman, as usual lashed to the helm; Josh Junk, the first bos’un; and the author of this narrative, who was then a midshipman on board the vessel, commanded by his uncle, Commodore Sir Peregrine Pendant.
We were in the middle of a stormy Atlantic. A strong wind coming from the northeast was bringing massive tropical waves as high as the mast from the Gulf of Labrador and waking the ocean, roaring with fury, from its endless depths. No moon was visible among the hurricane clouds in the sky—even the North Star, the only guide for sailors, was hidden in the thick darkness of the storm; it was impossible to tell which way the ship was going, except for the long trail of pale flames that followed the bow, or when, at times, a massive sea creature jumped out of the water beside us, crashing back down like a rock thrown from the sky, creating a shower of splashes like a burst of liquid lava from the sea. All the sails that usually adorned the majestic masts of H.M.S. Syncope (a true seventy-nine of the old Trafalgar style, made of teak and copper-fastened) were tightly reefed, except for the mainsail, the spritsail, the mizzen-boom sail, and a few others of lesser importance. Everything was cleared away—halyards, hencoop, and binnacle had been stowed below to prevent accidents; and the entire crew, along with the marines and guests, had gone to their hammocks. No one was left on deck except the helmsman, as usual strapped to the wheel; Josh Junk, the first bosun; and me, the author of this narrative, who was then a midshipman on board the ship commanded by my uncle, Commodore Sir Peregrine Pendant.
“Skewer my timbers!” exclaimed Mr. Junk, staggering from one side of the deck to the other as an enormous wave struck us on the leeside, and very nearly unshipped the capstan—“Skewer my timbers, if this a’n’t enough to put an admiral’s pipe out! Why, Master Tom, d’ye see, it’s growing altogether more and more darkerer; and if it a’n’t clearer by twelve bells, we’ll be obligated to drop anchor, which a’n’t by no means so pleasant, with a heavy swell like this, running at nineteen knots an hour in the middle of the wide Atlantic. How’s her head, boy?”
“Skewer my timbers!” shouted Mr. Junk, stumbling from one side of the deck to the other as a massive wave hit us on the leeward side, nearly tearing the capstan loose. “Skewer my timbers, if this isn’t enough to ruin an admiral’s pipe! Why, Master Tom, do you see, it’s getting darker and darker; and if it isn’t clearer by twelve o’clock, we’ll have to drop anchor, which isn’t exactly pleasant with a heavy swell like this, pushing us at nineteen knots an hour in the middle of the wide Atlantic. How’s her head, boy?”
“North by south it is, sir,” replied the steersman.
“It's north by south, sir,” the steersman replied.
“Keep her seven points more to the west, you lubber! Always get an offing when there’s a wet sheet and a flowing sea. That’s right, Jem! Hold her hard abaft, and she’ll go slick before the wind, like a hot knife through a pound of 233 butter. Halloo, Master Tom, are you holding on by the seat-railings already—you a’n’t sick, are you? Shall I tell the steward to fetch a basin?”
“Keep her seven points more to the west, you landlubber! Always make sure you have a good course when there’s a wet sheet and a flowing sea. That’s right, Jem! Hold her back hard, and she’ll glide effortlessly before the wind, like a hot knife through a pound of 233 butter. Hey, Master Tom, are you already holding on to the seat rail—are you feeling sick? Should I get the steward to bring a basin?”
“No, no, Josh,” I replied, “’tis nothing—merely a temporary qualm. But tell me—do you really apprehend any danger? If so, would it not be prudent to call up the commodore, and hang out the dead-lights?”
“No, no, Josh,” I replied, “it's nothing—just a temporary feeling. But tell me—do you really think there's any danger? If so, wouldn't it be smart to alert the commodore and put up the dead-lights?”
“Why, Master Tom,” replied the bos’un, turning his quid, “them ere’s kevestions as I can’t answer. ’Cos, first—there’s no knowing what danger is till it comes; secondly, it’s as much as my place is worth to disturb old Fire-and-Faggots—axing your pardon for the liberty—afore he’s finished his grog with the mates below; and, thirdly, it’s no use hanging out the dead-lights, ’cos we’re entirely out of oil.”
“Why, Master Tom,” the bos’un replied, turning his tobacco chew, “those are questions I can’t answer. First, you never know what danger is until it shows up; second, it would cost me my job to disturb old Fire-and-Faggots—sorry for the push—before he’s done with his drink with the crew below; and third, there’s no point in hanging out the dead-lights since we’re completely out of oil.”
“Gracious heavens!” cried I, “and suppose any other ship should be in the same latitude?”
“Good heavens!” I exclaimed, “What if there’s another ship in the same latitude?”
“Then,” said the bos’un with all imaginable coolness, “I reckon it would be a case of bump. Oak varsus teak, as the law-wers say, and Davy Jones take the weakest.—But hitch my trousers! what’s that?”
“Then,” said the bos’un with all the calmness he could muster, “I guess it would be a case of a collision. Oak versus teak, as the lawyers say, and Davy Jones will take the weaker one.—But hold on! What’s that?”
As the non-commissioned officer spoke, a bright flash was seen to the seaward immediately ahead of our vessel. It was too bright, too intense to proceed from any meteoric phenomena, such as sometimes are witnessed in those tropical climate, and the sullen report which immediately followed, indicated too clearly that it proceeded from some vessel in the vicinity.
As the non-commissioned officer spoke, a bright flash appeared in the sea just ahead of our ship. It was too bright and intense to be caused by any meteorological event, like those occasionally seen in tropical climates, and the heavy sound that followed made it clear that it came from a nearby vessel.
“A first-rater, by jingo!” said Mr. Junk, “and in distress. Hold my telescope, Master Tom, till I go below and turn out the watch,”——but that instant his course was arrested.
“A top-notch person, for sure!” said Mr. Junk, “and in trouble. Hold my telescope, Master Tom, while I go below and start the watch,”—but just then, he was interrupted.
Scarce a second had elapsed after the sound of the discharge reverberated through our rigging, when, only a hawser’s distance from our bowsprit, a phosphoric light seemed to rise from the bosom of the shadowy deep. It hung upon the hull, the binnacle, the masts, the yards of a prodigious ship, pierced apparently for three tier of guns, which, with every sail set, bore down direct upon us. One moment more and collision was inevitable; but Junk, with prodigious presence of mind, sprang to the helm, snatched the wheel from the hands of the petrified steersman, and luffed with almost supernatural force. Like a well-trained courser who obeys the rein, our noble ship instantly yielded to the impulse, and bore up a-lee, whilst the stranger came hissing up, and shot past us so close that I could distinctly mark each lineament of the pale countenances of the crew as they stood clustered upon the rigging, and even read—so powerful was that strange, mysterious light—the words painted within her sides,—“Those who go abaft the binnacle pay Cabin fare!” On, on she drove—a lambent coruscation, cleaving the black billows of the Atlantic main, about to vanish amidst the deep darkness of the night.
Barely a second had gone by after the sound of the shot echoed through our rigging when, just a short distance from our bowsprit, a glowing light appeared to rise from the depths of the shadowy ocean. It illuminated the hull, the binnacle, the masts, and the yards of an enormous ship, seemingly armed with three tiers of guns, which, with all its sails set, bore down directly on us. One more moment and a collision would have been unavoidable; but Junk, with remarkable quick thinking, jumped to the helm, took the wheel from the stunned steersman, and turned sharply with nearly superhuman strength. Like a well-trained horse obeying the reins, our brave ship immediately followed the order and moved to the side, while the stranger rushed by us so close that I could clearly see the features of the crew’s pale faces as they clustered in the rigging, and even read—such was the power of that strange, mysterious light—the words painted on its side,—“Those who go behind the binnacle pay Cabin fare!” On, on it sailed—a glowing streak, slicing through the dark waves of the Atlantic, about to disappear into the deep darkness of the night.
“That was a near shave, anyhow,” said Mr. Junk, relinquishing the wheel, “but we must know something more of that saucy clipper,” and catching up a speaking trumpet, he hailed,—
“That was a close call, anyway,” said Mr. Junk, letting go of the wheel, “but we need to find out more about that sassy clipper,” and grabbing a megaphone, he called out,—
“Ship ahoy!”
“Ahoy, ship!”
“Ship yourself!” was the response.
“Send yourself!” was the response.
“What’s your name?”
"What's your name?"
“What’s yours!”
"What's yours?"
“Syncope—Britannic Majesty’s seventy-nine—for Trinidad.”
“Syncope—Britannic Majesty’s 79—for Trinidad.”
“Yung Fraw—merchant ship, for Rotterdam.”
“Yung Fraw—cargo ship, to Rotterdam.”
“What cargo?”
“What stuff?”
“Soap!” was the reply. “How are YOU off for it? Ha! ha! ha!”
“Soap!” was the response. “How are YOU doing for it? Ha! ha! ha!”
A peal of diabolic laughter rolled across the deep, mingled with the rushing of the waves and the whistling of the winds. Another flash—another report—and the meteor light sunk as noiselessly as it had arisen into the bosom of the watery surge. At that moment the moon burst out from behind a cloud, clear and queenlike, illuminating the ocean for miles. We rushed to the stern and looked back. In vain! no vestige of a ship was there—we were alone upon the warring waters!
A chilling laugh echoed across the dark sea, blending with the crashing waves and the howling winds. Another flash—another thunderclap—and the light from the meteor disappeared as quietly as it had appeared into the depths of the ocean. Then, the moon broke through the clouds, bright and majestic, lighting up the ocean for miles. We rushed to the back of the boat and looked back. It was pointless! There was no sign of a ship—we were alone on the turbulent waters!
“By the Lord Harry!” said the bos’un, dropping the trumpet—“as sure as my name’s Josh Junk, that ’ere was the Flying Dutchman!” - - - - -
“By Lord Harry!” said the bos’un, dropping the trumpet—“as sure as my name’s Josh Junk, that was the Flying Dutchman!” - - - - -
That night we were SWAMPED AT SEA!
That night we were Overwhelmed at sea!
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OUR NEW ACTORS.
OUR NEW PERFORMERS.
Three imitations of Charles Lamb’s essay on “Some of our Old Actors” were published in a Parody Competition in The World, October, 15, 1879. The first prize was awarded to the following:—
Three imitations of Charles Lamb’s essay on “Some of our Old Actors” were published in a Parody Competition in The World, October 15, 1879. The first prize was awarded to the following:—
Taking up a to-days Standard—I know not by what freak of fancy I came to purchase one—I glanced at a few of the theatrical advertisements, which occupy no inconsiderable space in its columns. One of these presented the cast of parts in the Iron Chest at the Lyceum Theatre—Sir Edward Mortimer, by Henry Irving. What an ambitious sound it has! How clearly it brings before me the comely sad face—thoughtful and therefore sad—and the almost painfully-intense manner of the modern actor!
Taking up a today's Standard—I don't know why I decided to buy one—I looked at some of the theatrical ads that take up a good amount of space in its pages. One of them listed the cast for the Iron Chest at the Lyceum Theatre—Sir Edward Mortimer, played by Henry Irving. What an ambitious title it has! It vividly reminds me of the attractive, melancholic face—thoughtful and thereby sad—and the almost intensely emotional style of the modern actor!
Of all the ‘Sir Edwards’ who have flourished in my time—a dismal phrase if taken aright, reader—that mad genius, the great little man with the fine Italian face and flashing eyes, Edmund Kean, is the most unforgetable. That of Irving comes next. He, since Kean, most fully realises the author’s idea of the style of man best suited to fill the part—‘a man of sable hue, and one in whose soul there’s something o’er which his melancholy sits and broods.’ But the secret of Irving’s success lies in his fine annihilation of self—a rare quality among players—combined with an originality which triumphs over tradition. There is a marked naturalness about his acting of this character, bottomed on enthusiasm. Like genius, he seems at times to have the power of kindling his own fire into any degree of intensity.
Of all the ‘Sir Edwards’ who have been around in my time—a gloomy phrase if you think about it, reader—that wild genius, the incredible little man with the handsome Italian face and bright eyes, Edmund Kean, is the most unforgettable. Irving comes next. Since Kean, he embodies the author’s idea of the type of man best suited for the role—‘a man of dark complexion, and one in whose soul there’s something that his sadness sits over and broods.’ But the secret to Irving’s success is his remarkable ability to disappear into his role—a rare trait among actors—combined with an originality that triumphs over tradition. There’s a distinct naturalness in his portrayal of this character, grounded in enthusiasm. Like true genius, he seems occasionally to ignite his own passion to any level of intensity.
Kean, of whom Mrs. Siddons said, ‘There is too little of him to do anything;’ but of whom his landlady said, ‘There is something about Mr. Kean, ma’am, that tells me he will be a great man;’ Kean, whose exclamation, ‘My God, if I should succeed now, I think it will drive me mad!’ was prophetic, and who, when successful, cried, ‘D— Lord Essex, Mary; the pit rose at me!’—Kean tore the passion of the play to tatters.
Kean, whom Mrs. Siddons remarked, “He’s too small to achieve anything," but whose landlady said, “There’s something about Mr. Kean that tells me he’s going to be a great man," Kean, whose shout, “Oh my God, if I actually succeed, I think it will drive me insane!” turned out to be prophetic, and who, when he was successful, exclaimed, “D— Lord Essex, Mary; the audience loved me!”—Kean ripped the emotions of the play apart.
Irving’s recenter style does not go to work so grossly. Seemingly convinced of the facts that whatever is done for effect will be seen to be done for effect, and that Nature for ever puts a premium on reality, he interests, as all may, by being persistently and intensely human. There is a consonancy, so to speak, which the green probationer in tragedy spoils by failing to exercise that repression which is an index of power.
Irving’s more focused style doesn’t come off as heavy-handed. He seems to be aware that anything done just for effect will come across as artificial, and that nature always values authenticity. He captivates the audience by being consistently and deeply relatable. There’s a connection, so to speak, that the inexperienced actor in tragedy disrupts by not showing the self-control that indicates strength.
In Hamlet, Mathias, in the remorseful rant of Eugene Aram, and the rest, Irving has proved himself histrionic to a degree that will always command intelligent recognition.
In Hamlet, Mathias, in the regretful outburst of Eugene Aram, and others, Irving has shown himself to be theatrical to a level that will always earn thoughtful acknowledgment.
All have seen Sothern! What a Dundreary the world has in him! What witty conceits that pleasant creature has to trifle an hour or two away!—he whose ineffable fooling, if done by another, would partake of the essentially ludicrous. Then there is my beloved Toole, whose quirks never left a sting, who drolls inimitably, and whose quality is so irresistible 234 that like a sunbeam, he exists but to cheer—a touching function, reader. My beloved Toole is, in his walk, in no way inferior.
All have seen Sothern! What a character the world has in him! What clever ideas that delightful person has to pass the time!—his incredible antics, if done by anyone else, would just come off as ridiculous. Then there's my favorite Toole, whose quirks never hurt anyone, who has an unmatched charm, and whose essence is so captivating 234 that, like a ray of sunshine, he exists just to bring joy—a heartwarming purpose, my friend. My dear Toole is, in his manner, in no way any less impressive.
Shakespeare foresaw the existence of Miss Ellen Terry when he created Portia, as Sir Walter might that of Miss Neilson when he spake in Kenilworth.
Shakespeare predicted the existence of Miss Ellen Terry when he created Portia, just as Sir Walter might have foreseen Miss Neilson when he wrote in Kenilworth.
There are who say that Barry Sullivan is the leading legitimate actor of the British stage—a big distinction, which few will, perhaps, be disposed to deny him. But the difference between Sullivan and Irving is, I take it, this: Sullivan has the toga virilis, and the old and obvious canons of his art; Irving is an actor less by tradition than instinct. Sullivan’s rich baritone, with its harmonious and not-without-skill-delivered periods, stirs the whole house like the sound of a trumpet: Irving’s shriller pipe is fuller of Nature’s own rhetoric for a finer few. Sullivan may fill the theatre; Irving may find an empty seat or two in the gallery.
Some people say that Barry Sullivan is the top legitimate actor on the British stage—a huge accolade that few would likely dispute. But I believe the distinction between Sullivan and Irving lies here: Sullivan follows the traditional rules of acting, while Irving acts more from instinct than tradition. Sullivan’s rich baritone, with its beautifully crafted phrases, resonates throughout the entire theater like a trumpet: Irving’s higher voice carries the raw emotions of nature for a more select audience. Sullivan may pack the theater; Irving might leave a few empty seats in the gallery.
Cyril. (James Silvester.)
Cyril. (James Silvester.)
LORD MACAULAY.
The Quarterly Review, for April 1868, contained a review of Lady Trevelyan’s edition of the works of Lord Macaulay, in which the following passage was quoted as a specimen of his style:—
The Quarterly Review, for April 1868, contained a review of Lady Trevelyan’s edition of the works of Lord Macaulay, in which the following passage was quoted as a sample of his style:—
“The misgovernment of Charles and James, gross as it had been, had not prevented the common business of life from going steadily and prosperously on. While the honour and independence of the State were sold to a foreign Power, while chartered rights were invaded, while fundamental laws were violated, hundreds of thousands of quiet, honest, and industrious families laboured and traded, ate their meals and lay down to rest, in comfort and security. Whether Whig or Tories, Protestants or Jesuits were uppermost, the grazier drove his beasts to market; the grocer weighed out his currants; the draper measured out his broadcloth; the hum of buyers and sellers was as loud as ever in the towns; the harvest-home was celebrated as joyously as ever in the hamlets; the cream overflowed the pails of Cheshire; the apple juice foamed in the presses of Herefordshire; the piles of crockery glowed in the furnaces of the Trent; and the barrows of coal rolled fast along the timber railways of the Tyne.”—(Vol. iv. p. 189.)
“The misgovernment of Charles and James, as bad as it was, didn’t stop everyday life from continuing on steadily and successfully. While the honor and independence of the State were given away to a foreign Power, while chartered rights were trampled on, and while fundamental laws were broken, hundreds of thousands of quiet, honest, and hardworking families still labored and traded, ate their meals, and went to bed in comfort and security. Whether the Whigs or Tories, Protestants or Jesuits were in charge, the farmer drove his cattle to market; the grocer measured out his currants; the draper cut his broadcloth; the buzz of buyers and sellers was just as loud in the towns; the harvest celebration was enjoyed just as much in the villages; the cream overflowed the buckets in Cheshire; the apple juice bubbled in the presses of Herefordshire; the stacks of pottery shone in the furnaces of the Trent; and the carts of coal moved quickly along the wooden railways of the Tyne.”—(Vol. iv. p. 189.)
There is no reason why this rhetorical diarrhœa should ever stop so long as there was a trade, calling, or occupation to be particularised: the pith of the proposition (which required no proof) being contained in the first sentence. Why not continue thus:—
There’s no reason for this endless flow of words to ever stop as long as there’s a trade, profession, or job to focus on: the essence of the argument (which needs no proof) is in the first sentence. Why not keep going like this:—
“The apothecary vended his drugs as usual; the poulterer crammed his turkeys; the fishmonger skinned his eels: the wine-merchant adulterated his port; as many hot-cross buns as ever were eaten on Good Friday, as many pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, as many Christmas-pies on Christmas-day; on area steps the domestic drudge took in her daily pennyworth of the chalky mixture which Londoners call milk; through area bars the feline tribe, vigilant as ever, watched the arrival of the cats’-meat man; the painted courtesan flaunted in the Haymarket; the cabs rattled through the Strand; and from the suburban regions of Fulham and Putney the cart of the market-gardener wended its slow and midnight way along Piccadilly to deposit its load of cabbages and turnips in Covent Garden.”
“The pharmacist sold his medicines as usual; the poultry seller stuffed his turkeys; the fishmonger prepared his eels: the wine merchant watered down his port; just as many hot-cross buns were consumed on Good Friday, just as many pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, just as many Christmas pies on Christmas Day; on the stoops, the household worker took her daily dose of the chalky mixture that Londoners call milk; through the bars, the cats, alert as ever, watched for the arrival of the meat seller; the painted lady showed off in the Haymarket; taxis rattled through the Strand; and from the suburban areas of Fulham and Putney, the market gardener’s cart made its slow, midnight journey along Piccadilly to drop off its load of cabbages and turnips in Covent Garden.”
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A Page by Macaulay.
A Page by Macaulay.
(From the History of the Beadleship of Brown.)
(From the History of the Beadleship of Brown.)
When Brown grasped the staff of office, he was in need of the staff of life. Raised at once from want to wealth, from obscurity to renown, from the practice of submission to the habit of command, he did his work sternly; but not too sternly to do it well. The unexpectedly chosen Beadle became a correspondingly energetic Beadle. The new broom swept clean. A week had not passed ere abuses were remedied—the indolence of one portion of the parish officers pricked into action—the disaffection of another crushed into obedience. A benevolent despotism is the best form of government—Brown was despotic, benevolent, and a Beadle.
When Brown took hold of the staff of office, he was in need of basic necessities. Suddenly lifted from poverty to wealth, from being unknown to famous, and from following orders to giving them, he did his job with seriousness; but he wasn't too serious to do it well. The unexpectedly appointed Beadle became a correspondingly active Beadle. The new broom swept clean. Within a week, issues were fixed—the laziness of some parish officers was stirred into action—and the discontent of others was forced into compliance. A kind but firm leadership is the best kind of government—Brown was firm, kind, and a Beadle.
Let us review the state of affairs as they existed when he first assumed the cocked hat of office as Beadle of St. Tomkins. Apple-women usurped the pavement. Piemen obstructed the roadway. Professed beggars demanded alms at every door—impostors exhibited artificial sores at every corner. What the parish of St. Giles is to the parish of St. James, the parish of St. Tomkins was to the parish of St. Giles. Nuisances of another nature throve also and waxed great from day to day. The pew opener grumbled; the turncock muttered to himself; the churchwardens squabbled, and the rate-payers complained. There was murmured disaffection in the vestry—open revolt amongst the charity boys. It was a time of mutual recrimination—of mutual dissatisfaction. Jones abused Smith, Smith retorted upon Jones. Robinson hated Thomson, Thomson repaid the compliment with interest to Robinson. There was an unruly license of tongue, a general saturnalia of speech. Whispered scandals grew into outspoken charges, and the malicious reports hatched from the tea and muffins of old maidish parties were repeated with envenomed aggravations over the port and sherry of parish dinners. Then it was that short weights were publicly attributed to Smith, and a false steelyard confidently asserted to belong to Jones. Johnson, heated with gin, said that Jackson beat his wife—Jackson, inflamed with rum, said that Mrs. Johnson beat her husband. Charges, counter-charges, insinuations, inuendos, ran riot. No man looked with complacency on his neighbour; no husband looked with confidence upon his wife; no wife looked with respect upon her husband. As yet the band of Reformers who were shortly to arise was unheard of. Thomas Styles was but sixteen; John Nookes but thirteen-and-a-half. The pen of the great Smythe Smithers was yet employed upon half text. No word indicating his future destiny had fallen from Tomkin’s lips—Gubbins had not yet been born—Snooks was in long clothes—and Trother yet unemancipated from parish leathers.
Let's take a look at the situation when he first took on the role of Beadle of St. Tomkins. Apple vendors crowded the sidewalks. Piemen blocked the streets. Professional beggars asked for donations at every door—impostors showed fake injuries at every corner. Just as the parish of St. Giles is to St. James, St. Tomkins was to St. Giles. Other kinds of nuisances also thrived and grew worse day by day. The pew opener complained; the turncock muttered to himself; the churchwardens argued, and the rate-payers grumbled. There was quiet discontent in the vestry—open rebellion among the charity boys. It was a time of blame and dissatisfaction all around. Jones criticized Smith, and Smith hit back at Jones. Robinson hated Thomson, who returned the sentiment fiercely to Robinson. There was a wild looseness of speech, a general uproar of talk. Whispers of scandal turned into loud accusations, and malicious gossip from tea parties with old maids was amplified over the drinks at parish dinners. It was then that Smith was publicly accused of using short weights, and a false steelyard was confidently said to belong to Jones. Johnson, fueled by gin, claimed that Jackson was abusing his wife—Jackson, intoxicated with rum, said Mrs. Johnson was hitting her husband. Accusations, counterclaims, insinuations, and innuendos ran rampant. No one looked kindly on their neighbors; no husband felt secure with his wife; no wife respected her husband. The group of Reformers who were soon to emerge were still unknown. Thomas Styles was just sixteen; John Nookes was only thirteen and a half. The pen of the famed Smythe Smithers was still busy on half the text. No word indicating his future had come from Tomkin’s mouth—Gubbins had not yet been born—Snooks was still in baby clothes—and Trother was still bound by parish regulations.
On Brown then it alone devolved to grapple with the task. He was the dauntless pioneer of a dauntless army, a champion destined to show the world that the glitter of a Beadle’s staff may outshine the splendours of a Marichall’s baton, if it did not dim the magnificence of a Monarch’s sceptre.
On Brown then it solely fell to tackle the task. He was the fearless leader of a fearless army, a champion meant to prove to the world that the shine of a Beadle’s staff could outshine the brilliance of a Marichall’s baton, even if it didn’t lessen the grandeur of a Monarch’s scepter.
From The Man in the Moon, edited by Angus B. Reach. February, 1849.
From The Man in the Moon, edited by Angus B. Reach. February, 1849.
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(From what we “Macaulay” History of our own.)
(From what we "Macaulay" History of our own.)
The King had been thrown from his horse at Hampton Court, and was dead. Great were the rejoicings in Paris and Rome on receipt of the tidings, and the hopes of the Jacobite party rose; however, the accession of the second daughter of the last Stuart monarch to the throne as Anna Regina once more clouded their prospects. Her Court, adorned by Marlborough (who did not sell his pictures), Bolingbroke and Swift, would have been as nothing without the genius of one whose name does not figure in the accepted histories of that reign, but whose influence at Court not even the imperious Sarah Jennings, nor her rival, Lady Masham, nor any of the Whigs or Tories of that distracted period, could afford to ignore. A peaceful citizen, whose Hair Preparations gave that graceful brilliancy and tone to the brown hair of the Sovereign, and whose marvellously manufactured Wigs adorned the heads of the noblest in the land, was not one to be lightly passed by, and thus it was Professor Browne was the ruling spirit at the Court of Queen Anne. No Wigs could equal his in form, graceful folds, and luxuriant masses of hair; they covered the heads of the wisest and best in the land, so that it was no wonder the Professor, who had long studied the heads of the people, was universally consulted on all matters of such vital importance. Unfortunately, however, Prince Eugene of Savoy, who at this time came over on a secret mission from the Emperor to the Queen, foolishly declined to pay a visit to Fenchurch Street, and procured from some opposition hairdresser a short campaigning Wig in which to appear at Court. The same evening, the Prince, smoking his cigar at his hotel, happened to be trying on this new head gear when the Hanoverian Minister, Baron Hoffman, called, and seeing that neither in style, make, nor effect was it equal to Browne’s, endeavoured to induce the Prince, but in vain, to discard it and patronize F. B. Bye and bye Bolingbroke, who had a secret partiality for the Jacobites, and mistrusted the Prince’s mission, arrived, and affected such admiration for the periwig that the Prince actually did wear it the next day in the throne-room, to the horror of the Lord Chamberlain and Gentlemen Ushers, while the crafty Bolingbroke took care himself to appear in one of Browne’s most artistic and luxuriant head-coverings that could possibly be procured; the result being a perfect triumph for the Professor. The Queen expressed high disapproval of the Prince’s Wig, whose mission thereby failed, and once again the hopes of the Jacobites fluttered. At length the wily Bolingbroke was dismissed from Office, and Her Majesty, who had secured the succession to the Crown of the son of her cousin Sophia, ordered that Professor Browne, should henceforth be appointed Wig Maker in ordinary to the British Public.
The King had been thrown from his horse at Hampton Court and was dead. There was great celebration in Paris and Rome when the news broke, and the Jacobite party's hopes soared; however, the accession of the second daughter of the last Stuart monarch to the throne as Queen Anne once again dimmed their prospects. Her Court, graced by Marlborough (who didn’t sell his paintings), Bolingbroke, and Swift, would have meant little without the genius of one whose name isn’t found in the accepted histories of that time, yet whose influence at Court was something that even the commanding Sarah Jennings, her rival Lady Masham, and any of the Whigs or Tories from that chaotic period couldn’t ignore. A humble citizen whose Hair Preparations gave the sovereign's brown hair its graceful shine and tone, and whose expertly crafted Wigs adorned the heads of the noblest in the land, wasn’t someone to overlook; thus, Professor Browne became the leading figure at Queen Anne's Court. No wigs could match his in design, elegant folds, and rich thickness; they topped the heads of the wisest and best, making it no surprise that the Professor, who had long studied people's heads, was sought after for consultations on such critical matters. Unfortunately, Prince Eugene of Savoy, who was on a secret mission from the Emperor to the Queen at this time, foolishly chose not to visit Fenchurch Street and picked up a short campaigning wig from an opposing hairdresser to wear at Court. That same evening, while smoking a cigar at his hotel, the Prince tried on this new headpiece when the Hanoverian Minister, Baron Hoffman, came by. Seeing that it was lacking in style, quality, and effect compared to Browne’s creations, he tried to convince the Prince to ditch it and go with F. B. Eventually, Bolingbroke, who secretly favored the Jacobites and was suspicious of the Prince’s mission, showed up and pretended to admire the wig so much that the Prince actually wore it the next day in the throne room, shocking the Lord Chamberlain and Gentlemen Ushers, while the cunning Bolingbroke made sure to appear in one of Browne’s most artistic and luxurious wigs available, resulting in a complete triumph for the Professor. The Queen expressed strong disapproval of the Prince’s wig, causing his mission to fail, and once again the hopes of the Jacobites dwindled. Eventually, the clever Bolingbroke was dismissed from Office, and Her Majesty, who had secured the succession to the Crown for her cousin Sophia's son, decreed that Professor Browne should henceforth be appointed the official Wig Maker to the British Public.
From Professor Browne’s Almanack, 1885.
From Professor Browne’s Almanack, 1885.
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The Next Armada.
The Next Armada.
A Brief Chapter from the History of Macaulay Junior.
A Short Chapter from the History of Macaulay Junior.
* * * * *
Understood. Please provide the text for modernization.
In the City the agitation was fearful. None could doubt that the decisive crisis was approaching. It was known, from the second edition of the Times, that the joint Armada, carrying everything before it, was continuing its victorious progress up the Channel. Plymouth had fallen without firing a shot. Portsmouth had speedily followed suit. The former had found itself, at the eleventh hour, unprovided with a single gun. The latter, at the crucial moment, discovered that it was still waiting the arrival of its ammunition. When these facts, mysteriously whispered at first with bated breath, became, later in the day, authenticated by the appearance of succeeding editions of the morning papers, the public excitement knew no bounds. A hideous panic seized the Stock Exchange. “Goschens” went down to sixty at a single leap. Five well-known Stockbrokers went off their heads, and were removed in cabs by the police in violent hysterics. The Lord Mayor appeared on the steps of the Mansion House, and endeavoured to quell the riot. He was at once recognised by the mob, and pelted with Pass-Books.
In the city, the unrest was intense. It was clear that a major crisis was coming. According to the second edition of the Times, the joint Armada, sweeping everything in its path, was continuing its successful advance up the Channel. Plymouth had surrendered without firing a shot. Portsmouth quickly followed. The former found itself, at the last minute, without a single gun, while the latter realized, at a critical moment, that it was still waiting for its ammunition. When these facts, initially shared in hushed tones, were later confirmed by the arrival of the next editions of the morning papers, public excitement reached a peak. A terrible panic struck the Stock Exchange. “Goschens” plummeted to sixty in a single drop. Five well-known stockbrokers lost their minds and had to be taken away in cabs by the police in a state of extreme hysteria. The Lord Mayor stepped out onto the steps of the Mansion House, trying to calm the crowd. He was immediately recognized by the mob and bombarded with Pass-Books.
But things assumed a most threatening aspect at the Admiralty. A vast multitude had assembled at Whitehall, and rendered Parliament Street impassable. There was an angry howl at the “Board.” The Police took the precautionary measure of closing the gates. The First Lord appeared inside the enclosure, and his presence was the signal for an ominous roar. He was deathly pale and trembling, but he managed to scramble up the balustrade, and gazed feebly down on the raving thousands below. He was understood to say that when next Parliament met it would be asked to appoint another Committee to inquire into the naval administration of the country. His speech was cut short by execrations, and he hastily withdrew. Ten minutes later it was understood that he had escaped by the back way over the palings into the Park, and was hiding himself from the fury of the mob in an unfrequented slum in Pimlico.
But things took a very threatening turn at the Admiralty. A huge crowd had gathered at Whitehall, making Parliament Street impassable. There was an angry shout directed at the “Board.” The police took the precaution of closing the gates. The First Lord appeared inside the enclosure, and his presence triggered an ominous roar. He looked deathly pale and was trembling, but he managed to scramble up the balustrade and weakly gazed down at the raging thousands below. He was understood to say that when Parliament met next, it would be asked to appoint another committee to investigate the country’s naval administration. His speech was cut short by curses, and he quickly withdrew. Ten minutes later, it was reported that he had escaped via the back way over the fence into the park and was hiding from the mob's fury in an out-of-the-way slum in Pimlico.
But while these events were transpiring in the Metropolis of the Empire, still graver issues were being arrived at on that “silver streak,” which, up to now, had popularly, but erroneously, been regarded as its sure defence. What had been left of the British Channel Fleet after its first disastrous encounter with the joint Armada off the Lizard had rallied, and was now awaiting the attack of the again on-pressing and advancing enemy, in what promised to be a decisive encounter for the possession of the Mouth of the Thames, in the immediate neighbourhood of Herne Bay. The Admiral, in his hasty retreat, had collected about the shattered remnant of his forces some auxiliary adjuncts. He had been joined by Her Majesty’s ironclads, Styx and Megatherium, and by the belted cruiser, Daffodil; but owing to the fact that these vessels, not possessing any guns, had had to put to sea without their armaments, the recent arrivals could scarcely be counted on by him as an addition to his fighting power in any pending action. Nor was he sure of his own ship. Her Majesty’s ironclad Blunderer, which carried his flag, was armed with four of the famous 43-ton Collingwood exploding guns, and though hard pressed in the recent engagement, he had not thought it wise to give the order to “fire.”
But while these events were happening in the Metropolis of the Empire, even more serious issues were developing on that “silver streak,” which had been mistakenly considered a reliable defense until now. What was left of the British Channel Fleet, after its first disastrous encounter with the joint Armada off the Lizard, had regrouped and was now preparing for the incoming attack from the advancing enemy, in what was shaping up to be a crucial battle for control of the Mouth of the Thames, near Herne Bay. The Admiral, in his hurried retreat, had gathered some additional backup around the surviving remnants of his forces. He had been joined by Her Majesty’s ironclads, Styx and Megatherium, as well as the armoured cruiser, Daffodil; but since these ships had sailed out without their weapons, they could hardly be relied upon to boost his fighting strength in the upcoming battle. He was also uncertain about his own ship. Her Majesty’s ironclad Blunderer, flying his flag, was equipped with four of the renowned 43-ton Collingwood exploding guns, and even though it had been under heavy pressure in the recent fight, he hadn’t deemed it wise to give the order to “fire.”
Such was the position of the British Admiral at the commencement of that fatal afternoon which saw the last blow struck for the preservation of the Empire. The fight commenced by a general attack of the enemy. But it did not last long. In a very few minutes seven of the British ironclads, including that of the Admiral, were blown up by the explosion of their own guns. The rest found that they were supplied with the wrong-sized ammunition, and were rapidly put hors de combat. Within a quarter of an hour of the firing of the first shot the action was over, and the last remnant of the British Fleet had practically disappeared. That evening the advance despatch boats of the joint Armada anchored off Gravesend, and 120,000 men were landed on the Kentish coast between Margate and Whitstable.
Such was the situation of the British Admiral at the start of that fateful afternoon which saw the final blow dealt for the preservation of the Empire. The battle began with a full-scale attack from the enemy. But it didn't last long. In just a few minutes, seven of the British ironclads, including the Admiral's, were destroyed by the explosion of their own guns. The others discovered they had the wrong-size ammunition and were quickly taken out of action. Within fifteen minutes of the first shot being fired, the battle was over, and the last remnants of the British Fleet had almost completely vanished. That evening, the advance dispatch boats of the joint Armada anchored off Gravesend, and 120,000 troops were landed on the Kentish coast between Margate and Whitstable.
Gradually it became known that 75,000 of the enemy were advancing on the capital by way of Aldershot, and that the General in command at the camp, who had 1,371 men of all arms under him, all told, had received orders to oppose them, and this announcement seemed to restore in some measure the public confidence.
Gradually, it became known that 75,000 enemy troops were moving toward the capital through Aldershot, and that the General in charge at the camp, who had a total of 1,371 soldiers under his command, had been ordered to stop them. This news appeared to somewhat restore public confidence.
Meanwhile a quite phenomenal activity prevailed at the War Office, and the horses of the General Omnibus Company were at once requisitioned for the service of the Royal Artillery. The Duke of Cambridge, on hearing of the catastrophe, had applied to the Authorities instantly for the 11,000 men he had recently insisted on. With that force, he said, even at the eleventh hour, he would guarantee the safety of the country. Mr. Whitely forthwith undertook to furnish them within twenty-four hours. His offer was accepted with enthusiasm. It was known too that Lord Wolseley had already started with a miscellaneous force of Volunteers, Guards, and Policemen, hurriedly collected, for Sydenham, with the intention of taking up a defensive position among the antideluvian animals, and there waiting the course of events.
Meanwhile, an incredible amount of activity was happening at the War Office, and the horses of the General Omnibus Company were immediately requisitioned for the Royal Artillery's use. The Duke of Cambridge, upon hearing about the disaster, quickly asked the Authorities for the 11,000 men he had recently insisted on. With that force, he claimed, even at the last minute, he could ensure the country's safety. Mr. Whitely promptly agreed to provide them within twenty-four hours. His offer was met with enthusiasm. It was also known that Lord Wolseley had already set out with a mixed group of Volunteers, Guards, and Policemen, hastily gathered, for Sydenham, planning to take up a defensive position among the prehistoric animals and wait to see what would happen next.
The Authorities were fairly on their mettle. They instantly supplied three Volunteer regiments with rifles of an obsolete and antiquated pattern. Nor was this all. They telegraphed to Woolwich to expedite the selection of a model for the new magazine rifle, and marked their communication “urgent.” Matters, meanwhile, at headquarters were not less vigorously pushed forward. Inquiries were made for Mr. Stanhope’s plan of “defending the Thames.” Every pigeon-hole was examined, but it could not be found. Still, the Department did not despair. They despatched a third-class War Office clerk to Greenwich to report on the situation and say what he thought of it.
The authorities were quite alert. They immediately equipped three volunteer regiments with rifles that were outdated and old-fashioned. But that wasn’t all. They sent a telegram to Woolwich to speed up the selection of a model for the new magazine rifle, marking their message as “urgent.” Meanwhile, things were being pushed forward at headquarters just as vigorously. They searched for Mr. Stanhope’s plan for “defending the Thames.” Every file was checked, but it couldn’t be found. Still, the department didn’t lose hope. They sent a third-class War Office clerk to Greenwich to report on the situation and share his thoughts on it.
When, however, it transpired the next morning that, spite all the efforts to stay their advance, 50,000 of the enemy had taken possession of the Bank of England, seized the Lord Mayor and Aldermen as hostages, and were prepared to treat with the Government, with a view to evacuation, on the cession of Margate, Canada, India, Gibraltar, Malta, Australia, and Madame Tussaud’s Wax-work Collection, together with a preliminary payment of fifteen milliards. Englishmen began soberly to recognise that what they had so long regarded as an impossible vision had really come about, and that the “Next Armada” was an unhappily accomplished fact.
When it became clear the next morning that despite all efforts to stop them, 50,000 enemy soldiers had taken control of the Bank of England, taken the Lord Mayor and Aldermen as hostages, and were ready to negotiate with the Government for evacuation in exchange for the cession of Margate, Canada, India, Gibraltar, Malta, Australia, and Madame Tussaud’s Waxwork Collection, along with an upfront payment of fifteen billion, the English began to seriously recognize that what they had long thought was an impossible scenario had actually happened, and that the “Next Armada” was an unfortunately real situation.
Punch. May 19, 1888.
Punch. May 19, 1888.
——:o:——
——:o:——
The Age of Lawn-Tennis.
The Era of Lawn Tennis.
(After Macaulay’s “History of England”) 1880-81.
(After Macaulay’s “History of England”) 1880-81.
CHAPTER LV.
CHAPTER 55
“But while these stirring events were passing in the East, the mind of England was turned into a very different channel. No faithful historian could pass over this period without touching upon a pastime which was now taking a remarkable hold upon the nation, and pervading with its influence the upper and middle classes of British society.
“But while these exciting events were happening in the East, the focus of England was directed elsewhere. No honest historian could overlook this period without mentioning a pastime that was gaining a significant influence over the nation and spreading among the upper and middle classes of British society.”
“Rackets, and the old French game of Tennis, had long been popular with the English youth; but by those who had left the public schools and universities they were generally unattainable. It was left for Major Wingfield, the scion of a Shropshire family, to bring home, I may almost say to every door, a game which, little inferior to the classic games which I have just mentioned, was open, without the paraphernalia of a costly court, to every one at least who possessed a moderate-sized and level lawn. Lawn-Tennis was now rapidly elbowing out Archery, a thoroughly English and deep-rooted institution, and Croquet, its younger sister. Cricket was losing many of its most earnest devotees. In some parts of England there was an almost daily rendezvous at one or other of the great houses of the neighbourhood for the new and popular pastime. In country circles, tournaments were rousing the keenest excitement. Society was being differentiated into the good players and the bad. Crowds flocked annually to Wimbledon to watch the great match for the Championship of the world, to which a silver goblet had been added by The Country Gentleman’s Newspaper. Masters of hounds deferred cub-hunting that the Lawn Tennis season might be still further prolonged. A game of Lawn-Tennis was not unfrequently the innocent finish of the Ruridecanal meetings of the clergy. “Will he make a fourth?” was the first question to be asked about the new curate in many a country parish. All-popular among the public schools was Harrow-on-the-Hill, which had now furnished the Lawn-Tennis Champion for four consecutive years. Politics were laid aside in the public press while the rules of the game were discussed. On one side were ranged the net-volleyers: on the other those who thought that net-volleying spoilt all the beauty and elegance of the game. Never, by this latter party, since the time of Guy Fawkes, had man been so intensely hated as he who, standing close to the net with uplifted racket, stifled stroke after stroke as they came to meet him. We shall not enter very fully into the merits of this controversy; to do so would be dull, and possibly, to future generations, unintelligible. It is sufficient to say that while the skilled players defied “the man at the net” to do his worst, another and a larger party, looking, be it supposed, to the greatest happiness of the greatest number, was clamouring for such Lawn-Tennis legislation as would degrade the game to the capabilities of mediocrity, and drive the odious net-player from the courts. So numerous were the grades of dexterity that a leader in the Tennis world, and an author of some repute, had formulated a handicap table by which players of as many degrees as the letters of the alphabet might be brought together on even terms; while Henry Jones, the “Cavendish” of the whist-table, and other mathematicians, had worked out to several places of decimals the advantages of service. * * * * Such was the state of things which was distracting the mind of England while the fleets of Europe patrolled the Mediterranean, and peace and war were trembling in the balance.”
“Rackets and the old French game of tennis had long been popular with young people in England, but they were usually out of reach for those who had left public schools and universities. It was Major Wingfield, from a Shropshire family, who brought a game that was nearly as good as the classic games I just mentioned right to people’s doorsteps; this game was accessible to anyone who had a reasonably sized and level lawn, without the need for an expensive court. Lawn tennis was quickly overtaking archery, a deeply ingrained English tradition, and croquet, its younger counterpart. Cricket was losing many of its most dedicated fans. In some areas of England, there was almost a daily gathering at one of the grand houses nearby for this new and popular pastime. In country circles, tournaments stirred up great excitement. Society was starting to divide into good players and bad players. Crowds flocked to Wimbledon every year to watch the major championship match, which included a silver trophy donated by The Country Gentleman’s Newspaper. Masters of hounds postponed cub-hunting to extend the Lawn Tennis season even further. A game of lawn tennis was often the lighthearted conclusion to rural clergy meetings. "Will he make a fourth?" was the first question asked about the new curate in many country parishes. Harrow-on-the-Hill was extremely popular among public schools, and had produced the Lawn Tennis Champion for four consecutive years. Politics took a backseat in the public press while the game’s rules were debated. On one side were the net-volleyers; on the other were those who believed that net-volleying ruined the beauty and elegance of the game. This second group had not hated anyone as intensely since the time of Guy Fawkes as they hated the player who stood close to the net with his racket raised, denying stroke after stroke that came his way. We won’t dive deeply into the merits of this debate; doing so would be tedious and possibly incomprehensible to future generations. It’s enough to say that while skilled players dared “the man at the net” to give it his best shot, a larger group, supposedly aiming for the greatest happiness for the greatest number, was demanding rules that would lower the game to the level of mediocrity and remove the annoying net-player from the courts. The range of skill levels was so vast that a leader in the tennis world, who was also a recognized author, created a handicap table to level the playing field for players of all skill levels. Meanwhile, Henry Jones, the “Cavendish” of the whist-table, and other mathematicians calculated the advantages of serving to several decimal places. * * * * Such was the scenario that occupied the minds of England while European fleets patrolled the Mediterranean, teetering between peace and war.”
From Tennis Cuts and Quips. Edited by Julian Marshall. London, Field and Tuer.
From Tennis Cuts and Quips. Edited by Julian Marshall. London, Field and Tuer.
There are numerous other imitations of Lord Macaulay’s prose writings. One, written by the late Dean Hook, is to be found in his “Life and Letters” by W. R. W. Stephens (vol ii., p. 476), it relates only to ecclesiastical affairs.
There are many other imitations of Lord Macaulay’s prose. One, written by the late Dean Hook, can be found in his “Life and Letters” by W. R. W. Stephens (vol ii., p. 476), and it focuses solely on ecclesiastical matters.
Another, entitled The Story of Johnnie Armstrong, the Scotch outlaw, appeared in the Newcastle Weekly Chronicle, September 22, 1888. It was a prize composition of considerable merit, written by Mr. J. T. Milne, but it is unfortunately too long to be here inserted.
Another, titled The Story of Johnnie Armstrong, the Scotch outlaw, was published in the Newcastle Weekly Chronicle on September 22, 1888. It was a prize-winning piece of significant quality, written by Mr. J. T. Milne, but unfortunately, it is too long to include here.
Mrs. Brown at Cambridge.
Mrs. Brown at Cambridge.
By Arthur Sketchey.
By Arthur Sketchey.
Of all the railroads as I ever came across that Great’rn is out and out the worst, thro’ bein’ that tejus slow and the carridges a mask of dirt as you might grow cabbidges on, as the sayin’ is, and took all the freshness out of my light blue pollynaise, as I’d thought the kerrect thing at Cambridge, thro’ Mrs. Burgess a-wearin’ the same at the Boat-race, and some young Cambridge gents a-sayin’ “Mum, you’ve ’it the right colour this time and no mistake,” as pleased ’er no end, tho’ all the time larfin’ at ’er, I’ve no doubt, thro’ bein’ a orkard figger from a child and not one to look well in a Joseph’s coat of many colours, as the sayin’ is.
Of all the railroads I've ever experienced, the Great’rn is definitely the worst. It's incredibly slow, and the carriages are so dirty you could grow cabbages on them, as the saying goes. It completely ruined my light blue polonaise, which I thought was just the right outfit at Cambridge since Mrs. Burgess wore the same thing at the Boat Race, and some young Cambridge guys said, “Mum, you’ve got the right color this time, no doubt about it,” which made her really happy, although I’m sure they were laughing at her behind her back since she's always been an awkward figure and doesn't look good in a coat of many colors, as the saying goes.
’Ow ever I met Mrs. Vagg on that everlastin’ endless platform I don’t know, but I says to ’er, “a pint of four ale I must ’ave,” as I saw a refreshmint bar ’andy, but of all the stuck-up trollopin’ things that barmaid was the most orful, as ’ad dressed ’er ’air within a hinch of ’er life, as the sayin’ is, in four false plaits, and three young men a-hoglin’ of ’er across the slab, as might ’ave known better, and took cheek from that gal, as I’d ’ave paid ’er back, and let ’er know ’er place.
How I ended up meeting Mrs. Vagg on that never-ending platform, I can’t say, but I said to her, “I need a pint of four ale,” as I saw a refreshment bar nearby. But of all the stuck-up, prancing things, that barmaid was the worst. She had styled her hair to the extreme, as the saying goes, with four fake braids, while three young men were fawning over her at the counter, who should have known better and put up with that girl’s attitude. I would have set her straight and made sure she knew her place.
I never wish to swaller a better cup of tea than Mrs. Vagg gave me that evenin’ thro’ ’er bein’ a Bed-maker and in course tea a perkisite, and is only fair with ’er maid-of-all-work to seven gentlemen and board and lodge ’erself, not but what ’er house wasn’t very nice, as bein’ in Regint Street with Wictor Emmanivel’s Collidge opposight, for all the world like Clerkenwell jail, with bars to the winders and all, mayhap thro’ fear of burglars a-breakin’ in, and a-carryin’ off the Uniwersity chest, as I’m told would only be poor pickins, and not worth the trouble.
I never want to drink a better cup of tea than the one Mrs. Vagg made for me that evening. Being a bedmaker, she knew her stuff, and it’s only fair that she shared it with her maid, who was taking care of seven gentlemen while boarding and lodging herself. Her house wasn’t that great, located on Regent Street across from Victor Emmanuel’s College, which looked just like Clerkenwell prison, with bars on the windows and everything, probably out of fear of burglars breaking in and stealing the university’s chest, which I hear isn’t worth much anyway and would just be a hassle to get.
Whether it was that cup of tea, or whether it was talkin’ over old times with Mrs. Vagg, as ’ad been in service with me as a gal, but nine o’clock struck and took me all of a ’eap, thro’ ’avin’ promised Brown as I’d send ’im a ’a-penny card just to say I was all right. So I says “What time do the Post go out?”
Whether it was that cup of tea, or whether it was talking over old times with Mrs. Vagg, who had worked with me as a girl, nine o’clock struck and caught me off guard, since I had promised Brown that I’d send him a half-penny card just to say I was okay. So I asked, “What time does the post go out?”
“Ten o’clock,” says she, “but you’re never goin’ out there to-night, and a Town and Gown row on too, as is what no decent woman would face.”
“Ten o’clock,” she says, “but you’re not going out there tonight, especially with a Town and Gown conflict happening too, which no respectable woman would deal with.”
“Beggin’ your parding, mum,” says I, “their aint no Town nor Gown neither as shall stand in the way of my duty to my lawful ’usband.”
“Begging your pardon, ma'am,” I said, “there's no Town or Gown that can stand in the way of my duty to my lawful husband.”
So seen’ I was in earnest, she ’eld ’er tongue, and ’elped me on with my shawl, and says “Turn to the left and foller your nose, and that’ll bring you straight to the Post Office.”
So, since I was serious, she held her tongue, helped me with my shawl, and said, "Turn to the left and follow your nose, and that’ll take you straight to the Post Office."
Well up the hairy steps I went, thro’ ’er a-occypying the ground floor, and a-lettin’ the first, and the very first thing as I sees were a roamin’ candle goin’ off on Parky Peace as they call it, tho’ a poorish Park to me as knows Grinnidge, and as for Peace, it’s a-callin’ peace where there’s no peace, thro’ bein’ a mask of folk all a-’ustling and a-jeerin’, and a-lettin’ off fireworks, as is things I don’t ’old with, thro’ John Biggen as was my first cousin on the mother’s side bein’ blinded with a rocket at Vaux ’all, as were a piece of luck for Mrs. Biggin, as no one would ’ave married with ’is eyes open thro’ ’er face bein’ a puffect cullender from the smallpox.
I climbed up the hairy steps, through her occupying the ground floor, and the very first thing I saw was a roman candle going off in Parky Peace, as they call it. Although to me, it seemed like a pretty shabby park, and as for "Peace," it’s ironic to call it that when there’s no peace at all—just a crowd of people bustling and jeering, letting off fireworks, which I’m not a fan of. My cousin John Biggen, on my mom’s side, got blinded by a rocket at Vauxhall, which was a stroke of luck for Mrs. Biggin, since no one would’ve married her with his eyes open, considering her face looked like a perfect colander from smallpox.
What the rumpus was all about I don’t know, but the streets was full of young men as would ’ave been better in their beds, some on ’em a-walkin’ two and two and a-smokin’ pipes, and some jinin’ arms, and marchin’ up the streets singin’ for all the world like as if they was tipsy, and the pavemint that narrer as I was shoved off the kerb, and into a gutter, as was a foot deep and wetted me up to my knees, and clean spilte a new petticut, as such things should’nt be allowed in the public streets,—and where’s their Board of ’Ealth?
I don’t know what all the fuss was about, but the streets were full of young men who would have been better off in bed. Some were walking two by two, smoking pipes, while others linked arms and marched up the streets, singing as if they were drunk. The pavement was so narrow that I got pushed off the curb and into a gutter, which was a foot deep and soaked me up to my knees, ruining a new petticoat, which shouldn’t be allowed in public streets. Where’s their Board of Health?
There was two young fellers a-walkin’ be’ind me, and says one, a-larfin’, and a-pintin’, “That’s a good make up,” meanin’ me, as turned round sharp on ’im, and told ’im to mind ’is own business and not talk about makin’ up to me as were old enough to be ’is mother, let alone ’avin’ twice ’is wits, as were not much better than a fool, and looked only three days in the week, as the sayin’ is. But law bless you, my lord only larfed, and just then I saw a great rampagious mob a-tearin’ up the street as looked the scum of the earth, and gave me that turn as I thought swound away I must, and ketched ’old of ’is arm, and says, “’Elp a lady in distress, and conduc me past them willains.”
There were two young guys walking behind me, and one of them, laughing and pointing, said, “That’s a great look,” meaning me. I turned around sharply and told him to mind his own business and not talk about hitting on me, since I was old enough to be his mother, not to mention I had twice his brains, which weren’t much better than a fool’s, and he looked like he only put in an appearance three days a week, as the saying goes. But, bless you, my lord just laughed, and right then I saw a huge rowdy crowd tearing up the street that looked like the scum of the earth, and it made me so nervous that I thought I might faint, so I grabbed his arm and said, “Help a lady in distress and lead me past those troublemakers.”
Says he, a-takin’ off ’is ’at quite perlite, “With pleasure, mum,” and off he walked with me a-’angin’ on to ’is arm, and my ’eart a-thumpin’ with pannikin’ fear as might ’ave been ’eard ’arf a mile away.
Says he, taking off his hat quite politely, “With pleasure, ma’am,” and off he walked with me hanging on to his arm, and my heart thumping with panicking fear that could have been heard half a mile away.
Well I was just a-slippin’ my ’a-penny card into the Post, when up comes an elderly gent a-stridin’ along and a-lookin’ very big, with a gownd a-trailin’ in the mud, and the banns of marridge round ’is neck for all the world like a parson, as no doubt was, and says to the young gent, “Which I must trouble you for six and eightpence for not a-wearin’ of your hacademic dress,” and pulls out a sort of bettin’-book for to enter ’is name and Collidge.
Well, I was just sliding my penny card into the post when an older gentleman walked up, looking quite impressive, with a gown dragging in the mud and the marriage banns around his neck like a preacher, which he probably was. He said to the young man, “I need to ask you for six shillings and eight pence for not wearing your academic dress,” and took out a kind of betting book to write down his name and college.
Says the young gent, quite cool and brazen-like, “Excuse me, sir, but I was a-escortin’ of my mother ’ome, and didn’t put on my gownd for fear of the cads.”
Says the young guy, pretty laid-back and bold, “Excuse me, sir, but I was taking my mom home, and I didn’t put on my gown because I was worried about the jerks.”
This put my blood up, as never could abear anything deceitful or under’and, and I lets go of ’im, and says, “You hartful young ’ypocrate, and me never ’avin’ set my eyes on you before this evenin’, as must ’ave took ’im aback like and serve ’im right, but he didn’t wait for no more, but ran off like a harrer from a bow, as the sayin’ is, and the old chap sets a long legged feller to run after ’im, as I ’ope didn’t ketch ’im, thro’ bein’ a kind-’earted young man spite of ’is owdacious fibbin’.”
This really angered me, as I couldn't stand anything deceitful or dishonest. I let go of him and said, “You crafty young hypocrite, and I’ve never laid eyes on you until this evening.” That must have shocked him, and he deserved it, but he didn’t stick around; he ran off like a hare from a bow, as the saying goes. The old man sent a long-legged fellow to chase after him, and I hope he didn’t catch him, since he was a kind-hearted young man despite his outrageous lying.
By this time there was a reglar Punch and Judy crowd round us, but I grabbed tight on to my umbreller, and thinks I “’it me any of you who dare,” when the elderly gent says, “If so be as you’re a decent woman, you’ll go ’ome.”
By this point, a typical Punch and Judy crowd had gathered around us, but I held tight onto my umbrella and thought, “Anyone who tries to confront me better watch out,” when the older gentleman said, “If you’re a decent woman, you should go home.”
Says I, “who says as Martha Brown aint a decent woman, you old waggerbone! I aint a goin’ to stand ’ere to be hinsulted,” and was bouncin’ off feelin’ quite ’urt like, and the crowd a cheerin’ and a sayin’, “Go it, old Fatchops,” when if that old fool didn’t take and say as it were ’is duty to see me ’ome.
Said I, “Who says Martha Brown isn't a decent woman, you old gossip! I’m not going to stand here and be insulted,” and I was bouncing away, feeling quite hurt, and the crowd was cheering and saying, “Go for it, old Fatchops,” when that old fool decided it was his duty to walk me home.
Says I, “Thank you for nothin’, as would prefer you did no such thing, thro’ me not bein known ’ere and people might make remarks,” but, law bless you, words wasn’t no good with ’im, as walked along side of me all the way with the crowd a-follerin’ and a-hollerin’ and a-pokin’ their fun at ’im and me.
Said I, “Thanks for nothing, as I’d prefer you didn’t do that, since I’m not known here and people might talk,” but, bless you, words didn’t mean anything to him, as he walked right next to me the whole way with the crowd following and shouting, poking fun at him and me.
Right glad I was to stand on Mrs. Vagg’s door-step, and fainted clean away as soon as hever I got down to the kitchen, and you don’t ketch me a-goin’ down that street after dark again, and, tho’ boys will be boys, yet I don’t ’old with all their squibbin’ and fibbin’, nor yet with helderly gents as is paid to hinsult respectable fieldmales, as I wish my ’usband ’ad been there, as would ’ave broke hevery bone in ’is skin and serve ’im right.
I was really glad to be standing on Mrs. Vagg’s doorstep, but I completely passed out as soon as I got to the kitchen, and you won’t catch me going down that street after dark again. And, even though boys will be boys, I don’t agree with all their pranks and lies, or with older guys who are paid to insult respectable women. I really wish my husband had been there; he would have broken every bone in that guy's body, and it would have served him right.
From The Light Green. Cambridge, W. Metcalfe and Sons, 1873.
From The Light Green. Cambridge, W. Metcalfe and Sons, 1873.
BENJAMIN DISRAELI,
Lord Beaconsfield.
Lord Beaconsfield.
It must be confessed that the burlesques of the novels of Disraeli are not, as a rule, very amusing, but there is one brilliant exception, namely, that written by Bret Harte.
It has to be admitted that the parodies of Disraeli's novels aren't usually very funny, but there's one outstanding exception: the one written by Bret Harte.
It is entitled “Lothaw, or the Adventures of a Young Gentleman in Search of a Religion,” by Mr. Benjamins. This was first printed in England by the late Mr. J. C. Hotten in 1871. It consists of nine short chapters.
It’s called “Lothaw, or the Adventures of a Young Gentleman in Search of a Religion,” by Mr. Benjamins. This was first published in England by the late Mr. J. C. Hotten in 1871. It includes nine short chapters.
Lothaw.
Lothaw.
Chapter I.
Chapter 1.
“I remember him a little boy,” said the Duchess. “His mother was a dear friend of mine: you know, she was one of my bridesmaids.”
“I remember him as a little boy,” said the Duchess. “His mother was a dear friend of mine; you know, she was one of my bridesmaids.”
“And you have never seen him since, mamma?” asked the oldest married daughter, who did not look a day older than her mother.
“And you’ve never seen him since, Mom?” asked the oldest married daughter, who didn't look a day older than her mother.
“Never; he was an orphan shortly after. I have often reproached myself, but it is so difficult to see boys.”
“Never; he became an orphan soon after. I’ve often blamed myself, but it’s really hard to understand boys.”
This simple yet first-class conversation existed in the morning-room of Plusham, where the mistress of the palatial mansion sat involved in the sacred privacy of a circle of her married daughters.
This straightforward yet high-quality conversation took place in the morning room of Plusham, where the lady of the grand house sat engaged in the intimate company of her married daughters.
One dexterously applied golden knitting-needles to the fabrication of a purse of floss silk of the rarest texture, which none who knew the almost fabulous wealth of the Duke would believe was ever destined to hold in its silken meshes a less sum than £1,000,000 sterling; another adorned a slipper exclusively with seed pearls; a third emblazoned a page with rare pigments and the finest quality of gold-leaf.
One skillfully used golden knitting needle to create a purse made from the rarest floss silk, which no one familiar with the Duke's almost legendary wealth would believe was ever meant to hold anything less than £1,000,000 sterling; another decorated a slipper entirely with seed pearls; a third illustrated a page with rare pigments and the highest quality gold leaf.
Beautiful forms leaned over frames glowing with embroidery, and beautiful frames leaned over forms inlaid with mother-of-pearl.
Beautiful shapes leaned over frames shining with embroidery, and lovely frames leaned over designs inlaid with mother-of-pearl.
Others, more remote, occasionally burst into melody as they tried the passages of a new and exclusive air given to them in MS. by some titled and devoted friend, for the private use of the aristocracy alone, and absolutely prohibited for publication.
Others, more distant, sometimes broke into song as they attempted the sections of a new and exclusive tune shared with them in manuscript by a noble and dedicated friend, meant solely for the private enjoyment of the aristocracy and completely banned from publication.
The Duchess, herself the superlative of beauty, wealth, and position, was married to the highest noble in the Three Kingdoms.
The Duchess, who was the epitome of beauty, wealth, and status, was married to the highest-ranking noble in the Three Kingdoms.
Those who talked about such matters said that their progeny were exactly like their parents—a peculiarity of the aristocratic and wealthy.
Those who discussed these topics noted that their offspring were just like their parents—a quirk of the aristocratic and wealthy.
They all looked like brothers and sisters, except their parents, who, such was their purity of blood, the perfection of their manners, and the opulence of their condition, might have been taken for their own children’s elder son and daughter.
They all looked like siblings, except for their parents, who, due to their pure lineage, refined manners, and wealthy status, could easily be mistaken for their own children's older brother and sister.
The daughters, with one exception, were all married to the highest nobles in the land.
The daughters, with one exception, were all married to the highest-ranking nobles in the country.
That exception was the Lady Coriander, who—there being no vacancy above a marquis and a rental of £1,000,000—waited.
That exception was Lady Coriander, who—since there were no openings above a marquis and a rent of £1,000,000—waited.
Gathered around the refined and sacred circle of their breakfast-table, with their glittering coronets, which, in filial respect to their father’s Tory instinct and their mother’s Ritualistic tastes, they always wore on their regal brows, the effect was dazzling as it was refined.
Gathered around the elegant and cherished breakfast table, with their shining coronets that they always wore in honor of their father's Tory beliefs and their mother's Ritualistic preferences, the atmosphere was as impressive as it was sophisticated.
It was this peculiarity and their strong family resemblance which led their brother-in-law, the good-humoured St. Addlegourd, to say that, “’Pon my soul, you know, the whole precious mob looked like a ghastly pack of court cards—don’t you know?”
It was this oddity and their strong family resemblance that made their brother-in-law, the cheerful St. Addlegourd, say, “Honestly, you know, the whole bunch looked like a creepy set of playing cards—don’t you think?”
St. Addlegourd was a radical.
St. Addlegourd was a radical.
Having a rent-roll of £15,000,000, and belonging to one of the oldest families in Britain, he could afford to be.
Having a rent-roll of £15,000,000 and coming from one of the oldest families in Britain, he could afford to be.
“Mamma, I’ve just dropped a pearl,” said the Lady Coriander, bending over the Persian hearth-rug.
“Mama, I just dropped a pearl,” said Lady Coriander, leaning over the Persian hearth rug.
“From your lips, sweet friend,” said Lothaw, who came of age and entered the room at the same moment.
“From your lips, sweet friend,” said Lothaw, who reached adulthood and entered the room at the same moment.
“No, from my work. It was a very valuable pearl, mamma; papa gave Isaacs and Sons £50,000 for the two.”
“No, from my job. It was a really valuable pearl, Mom; Dad paid Isaacs and Sons £50,000 for the two.”
“Ah, indeed,” said the Duchess, languidly rising; “let us go to luncheon.”
“Ah, yes,” said the Duchess, casually getting up; “let's go to lunch.”
“But your Grace,” interposed Lothaw, who was still quite young, and had dropped on all-fours on the carpet in search of the missing gem, “consider the value——”
“But your Grace,” Lothaw interrupted, who was still quite young and had dropped to all fours on the carpet searching for the missing gem, “think about the value——”
“Dear friend,” interposed the Duchess, with infinite tact, gently lifting him by the tails of his dress-coat, “I am waiting for your arm.”
“Dear friend,” interrupted the Duchess, with great tact, gently lifting him by the ends of his dress coat, “I’m waiting for your arm.”
Chapter II.
Chapter 2.
Lothaw was immensely rich.
Lothaw was extremely wealthy.
The possessor of seventeen castles, fifteen villas, nine shooting-boxes, and seven town houses, he had other estates of which he had not even heard.
The owner of seventeen castles, fifteen villas, nine hunting lodges, and seven city houses also had estates he didn’t even know about.
Everybody at Plusham played croquet, and none badly.
Everybody at Plusham played croquet, and none of them were bad at it.
Next to their purity of blood and great wealth, the family were famous for this accomplishment.
Next to their pure bloodline and great wealth, the family was well-known for this accomplishment.
Yet Lothaw soon tired of the game, and after seriously damaging his aristocratically large foot in an attempt to “tight croquet” the Lady Aniseed’s ball, he limped away to join the Duchess.
Yet Lothaw soon got bored with the game, and after seriously hurting his impressively big foot while trying to "tight croquet" the Lady Aniseed’s ball, he limped away to join the Duchess.
“I’m going to the hennery,” she said.
“I’m going to the chicken coop,” she said.
“Let me go with you. I dearly love fowls——
“Let me go with you. I really love chickens——
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broiled,” he added, thoughtfully.
broiled," he added, pensively.
“The Duke gave Lady Montairy some large Cochins the other day,” continued the Duchess, changing the subject with delicate tact.
“The Duke gave Lady Montairy some big Cochins the other day,” continued the Duchess, shifting the topic with subtle grace.
sang Lothaw gaily.
sang Lothaw cheerfully.
The Duchess looked shocked. After a prolonged silence, Lothaw abruptly and gravely said—
The Duchess looked shocked. After a long silence, Lothaw suddenly and seriously said
“If you please, ma’am, when I come into my property I should like to build some improved dwellings for the poor, and marry Lady Coriander.”
“Excuse me, ma’am, but when I get my property, I’d like to build better housing for the poor and marry Lady Coriander.”
“You amaze me, dear friend, and yet both your aspirations are noble and eminently proper,” said the Duchess; “Coriander is but a child—and yet,” she added, looking graciously upon her companion, “for the matter of that, so are you.”
“You amaze me, dear friend, and yet both your ambitions are noble and absolutely proper,” said the Duchess; “Coriander is just a kid—and yet,” she added, looking kindly at her companion, “in that regard, so are you.”
Chapter III.
Chapter 3.
Mr. Putney Padwick’s was Lothaw’s first grand dinner-party.
Mr. Putney Padwick hosted Lothaw’s first big dinner party.
Yet, by carefully watching the others, he managed to acquit himself creditably, and avoided drinking out of the finger-bowl by first secretly testing its contents with a spoon.
Yet, by closely observing the others, he managed to hold his own and avoided drinking from the finger bowl by first secretly testing its contents with a spoon.
The conversation was peculiar, and singularly interesting.
The conversation was strange and really interesting.
“Then you think that monogamy is simply a question of the thermometer?” said Mrs. Putney Padwick to her companion.
“Then you think that monogamy is just a matter of the thermometer?” Mrs. Putney Padwick said to her companion.
“I certainly think that polygamy should be limited by isothermal lines,” replied Lothaw.
“I definitely believe that polygamy should be restricted by isothermal lines,” replied Lothaw.
He was an Oxford Professor, with a taste for satire, and had made himself very obnoxious to the company, during dinner, by speaking disparagingly of a former well-known Chancellor of the Exchequer—a great statesman, and brilliant novelist,—whom he feared and hated.
He was an Oxford professor with a flair for satire, and he had made himself quite unpleasant to the group during dinner by speaking negatively about a past well-known Chancellor of the Exchequer—a great politician and talented novelist—whom he both feared and despised.
Suddenly there was a sensation in the room; among the females it absolutely amounted to a nervous thrill.
Suddenly, there was a feeling in the room; among the women, it definitely created a nervous excitement.
His Eminence, the Cardinal, was announced.
His Eminence, the Cardinal, was introduced.
He entered with great suavity of manner, and after shaking hands with everybody, asking after their relatives, and chucking the more delicate females under the chin with a high-bred grace peculiar to his profession, he sat down, saying—
He walked in with smooth confidence, shook hands with everyone, asked about their family members, and playfully jabbed the more refined women under the chin with a polished charm unique to his profession. Then he took a seat, saying—
“And how do we all find ourselves this evening, my dears?” in several different languages, which he spoke fluently.
“And how is everyone doing this evening, my dears?” in several different languages, which he spoke fluently.
Lothaw’s heart was touched.
Lothaw's heart was moved.
His deeply religious convictions were impressed.
His strong religious beliefs were notable.
He instantly went up to this gifted being, confessed, and received absolution.
He immediately approached this talented person, confessed, and received forgiveness.
“To-morrow,” he said to himself, “I will partake of the Communion, and endow the Church with my vast estates. For the present I’ll let the improved cottages go.”
“Tomorrow,” he said to himself, “I will take Communion and donate my large estates to the Church. For now, I’ll let the renovated cottages go.”
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Sure! Please provide the text you would like me to modernize.
Novels by Eminent Hands, a series of burlesques upon the works of Bulwer Lytton, Harry Lorrequer, G. P. R. James, and B. Disraeli, which first appeared in Punch were written by W. M. Thackeray. That upon Disraeli came out in 1847, it commenced thus:—
Novels by Eminent Hands, a series of parodies of the works of Bulwer Lytton, Harry Lorrequer, G. P. R. James, and B. Disraeli, originally published in Punch, was written by W. M. Thackeray. The one on Disraeli was released in 1847, and it started like this:—
Codlingsby.
Codlingsby.
By B. De Shrewsbury.
By B. De Shrewsbury.
The noise in the old town was terrific; Great Tom was booming sullenly over the uproar; the bell of Saint Mary’s was clanging with alarm; St. Giles’s tocsin chimed furiously; howls, curses, flights of brickbats, stones shivering windows, groans of wounded men, cries of frightened females, cheers of either contending party as it charged the enemy from Carfax to Trumpington Street, proclaimed that the battle was at its height.
The noise in the old town was overwhelming; Great Tom was booming gloomily over the chaos; the bell of Saint Mary’s was ringing in alarm; St. Giles’s warning bell chimed angrily; there were howls, curses, thrown bricks, stones smashing windows, groans of injured men, screams of terrified women, cheers from both sides as they charged the enemy from Carfax to Trumpington Street, showing that the battle was at its peak.
In Berlin they would have said it was a revolution, and the cuirassiers would have been charging, sabre in hand, amidst that infuriate mob. In France they would have brought down artillery, and played on it with twenty-four-pounders. In Cambridge nobody heeded the disturbance—it was a Town and Gown row.
In Berlin, they would have called it a revolution, and the armored horsemen would have been charging, saber in hand, through that angry crowd. In France, they would have rolled out the artillery and fired twenty-four-pound cannons at it. In Cambridge, no one paid attention to the chaos—it was just a Town and Gown fight.
The row arose at a boat-race. The Town boat (manned by eight stout bargees, with the redoubted Rullock for stroke) had bumped the Brazennose light oar, usually at the head of the river. High words arose regarding the dispute. After returning from Granchester, when the boats pulled back to Christchurch meadows, the disturbance between the Townsmen and the University youths—their invariable opponents—grew louder and more violent, until it broke out in open battle. Sparring and skirmishing took place along the pleasant fields that lead from the University gate down to the broad and shining waters of the Cam, and under the walls of Baliol and Sidney Sussex. The Duke of Bellamont (then a dashing young sizar at Exeter) had a couple of rounds with Billy Butt, the bow oar of the Bargee boat. Vavasour of Brazennose was engaged with a powerful butcher, a well-known champion of the Town party, when, the great University bells ringing to dinner, truce was called between the combatants, and they retired to their several colleges for refection.
The fight started at a boat race. The Town boat, crewed by eight strong rowers with the famous Rullock as the stroke, bumped into the Brazennose light oar, which usually led on the river. Arguments erupted over the issue. After returning from Granchester, when the boats paddled back to Christchurch meadows, the conflict between the Townsmen and the University guys—their usual rivals—grew louder and more intense, until it turned into an all-out brawl. Punches and minor clashes happened across the lovely fields leading from the University gate down to the wide, sparkling waters of the Cam, and near the walls of Baliol and Sidney Sussex. The Duke of Bellamont (who was then a dashing young sizar at Exeter) had a couple of rounds with Billy Butt, the bow rower of the Bargee boat. Vavasour of Brazennose was caught up with a strong butcher, a well-known champion of the Town side, when the grand University bells rang for dinner, and a truce was called, letting everyone return to their respective colleges for a meal.
During the boat-race, a gentleman pulling in a canoe, and smoking a Nargilly, had attracted no ordinary attention. He rowed about a hundred yards ahead of the boats in the race, so that he could have a good view of that curious pastime. If the eight-oars neared him, with a few rapid strokes of his flashing paddles his boat shot a furlong ahead; then he would wait, surveying the race, and sending up volumes of odour from his cool Nargilly.
During the boat race, a guy paddling a canoe and smoking a hookah caught a lot of attention. He rowed about a hundred yards ahead of the racers so he could enjoy a good view of the event. If the eight-oar boats got too close, he would make a few quick strokes with his bright paddles, propelling his canoe ahead by quite a distance; then he would pause, watching the race and sending up clouds of smoke from his cool hookah.
“Who is he?” asked the crowds who panted along the shore, encouraging, according to Cambridge wont, the efforts of the oarsmen in the race. Town and Gown, alike asked who it was, who, with an ease so provoking, in a barque so singular, with a form seemingly so slight, but a skill so prodigious, beat their best men. No answer could be given to the query, save that a gentleman in a dark travelling-chariot, preceded by six fourgons and a courier, had arrived the day before at the Hoop Inn, opposite Brazennose, and that the stranger of the canoe seemed to be the individual in question.
“Who is he?” asked the crowds who were out of breath along the shore, cheering on the efforts of the oarsmen in the race, just like they do in Cambridge. Both the townspeople and the university crowd wanted to know who it was that, with such annoyingly effortless skill in a unique boat, and a form that appeared so slight yet possessed such remarkable talent, managed to outpace their best competitors. No answer could be provided to the question, except that a man in a dark traveling carriage, followed by six carriages and a courier, had arrived the day before at the Hoop Inn, across from Brazennose, and that the stranger in the canoe seemed to be the one in question.
No wonder the boat, that all admired so, could compete with any that ever was wrought by Cambridge artificer or Putney workmen. That boat—slim, shining, and shooting through the water like a pike after a small fish—was a caique from Tophana; it had distanced the Sultan’s oarsmen, and the best crews of the Capitan Pasha in the Bosphorus; it was the workmanship of Togrul-Beg, Caikjee Bashee of his Highness. The Bashee had refused fifty thousand tomauns from Count Boutenieff, the Russian Ambassador, for that little marvel. When his head was taken off, the Father of Believers presented the boat to Rafael Mendoza.
No wonder the boat, which everyone admired, could compete with any crafted by Cambridge artisans or Putney workers. That boat—slim, shiny, and gliding through the water like a pike after a small fish—was a caique from Tophana; it had outpaced the Sultan’s oarsmen and the best crews of the Capitan Pasha in the Bosphorus. It was made by Togrul-Beg, the Caikjee Bashee of his Highness. The Bashee turned down fifty thousand tomauns from Count Boutenieff, the Russian Ambassador, for that little marvel. After his execution, the Father of Believers gifted the boat to Rafael Mendoza.
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Nihilism in Russia.
Nihilism in Russia.
(In imitation of Disraeli’s Sybil.)
(Inspired by Disraeli’s Sybil.)
For there opposed each other but two elements in this society at once strange and simple. Around the throne of the Great Peter, and in the marble city which is his monument, the gay circles of the Aristocracy frittered away a frivolous existence amid the blaze of diamonds, the strains of music, and all those Circean enchantments that dull the energy and bid care repose. Here was wealth to make life easy, and here luxury to give it splendour; here was beauty to stir the pulse of youth, and here wit to waken even the most thoughtless to a sense that for them too there were pleasures of the intellect. So lived the lords of those vast plains, whose immensity made aptly significant the proud title of “All the Russias.” And the tiller of those plains, what of him? Surrounded by the sad and sombre Steppe, that breathed its melancholy over him from the cradle, broken by toil and of untutored mind, his life was suffering without interval of enjoyment, degradation without hope of change. Too brutish for the aspirations of Religion, he was well-nigh bereft of that supreme solace wherewith the ingenuity of the sophistical rhetorician may seek to sooth even the aged pauper of St. Pancras. And yet Revolution was as impossible for him as content. For Revolution is the explosion of an Idea, that overturns Society in its struggle to the light. To the Scythian serf was altogether wanting the initial force of the fulminating Idea. Steeped in ignorance, he was also isolated. Through his dreary continent had never permeated the Secret Societies of other lands, and for him there was no magic potency in the mysterious name of “Mary-Anne.” So he thought not of overturning Society, but of effacing it. For the first time in man’s history was seen that portentous birth, an Apostle of Nothing. In a word, he was a Nihilist!
For there stood just two opposing elements in this strange yet simple society. Around the throne of the Great Peter and in the marble city that serves as his monument, the glamorous circles of the Aristocracy wasted their frivolous lives amid the sparkle of diamonds, the sounds of music, and all those enchanting pleasures that dull one's energy and invite relaxation. Here was wealth making life comfortable, and here was luxury adding splendor; here was beauty that ignited the youthful pulse, and here was wit to awaken even the most careless to the fact that there were pleasures of the mind for them too. So lived the lords of those vast plains, whose vastness fittingly justified the proud title of “All the Russias.” And what about the farmer of those plains? Surrounded by the sad and dreary Steppe, which has breathed its melancholy over him since birth, broken by hard work and uneducated, his life was filled with suffering and devoid of enjoyment, misery without hope for change. Too primitive for the aspirations of Religion, he was almost completely stripped of the ultimate comfort that the skillful rhetoric might offer even the age-old pauper of St. Pancras. Yet, Revolution was just as impossible for him as contentment. For Revolution is the explosion of an Idea that turns Society upside down in its quest for enlightenment. The Scythian serf completely lacked the driving force of the explosive Idea. Drenched in ignorance, he was also isolated. The secret societies of other lands had never infiltrated his bleak continent, and the mysterious name “Mary-Anne” held no magical power for him. So he did not contemplate overturning Society; instead, he sought to erase it. For the first time in history, there emerged a troubling figure, an Apostle of Nothing. In short, he was a Nihilist!
240 Vainly was it attempted to divert his purposes by the lure of foreign conquest and a fresh Crusade; in vain was dangled before him by the astute Ministers of Muscovy the long-sought guerdon of his efforts—the sacred city of the Sultans. One was on the watch who came of a race not lightly to be beguiled, a race that was ancient thirty centuries before these Scythian hordes had claimed to be a nation. The Great Minister of the West, strong with the might and majesty of England, saw that it was reserved for him to crown that Royal Mistress, on whose brow he had recently set a new and Imperial coronet, with the fresh garland of a bloodless triumph. In the lofty language of the sacred records of his people, ‘Let there be Peace!’ he said; and that which he achieved became known to the world in his own historic phrase of “Peace with Honour!”
240 Attempts to change his goals with the appeal of foreign conquest and a new Crusade were unsuccessful; the clever Ministers of Muscovy did nothing to entice him with the long-desired reward for his efforts—the sacred city of the Sultans. He was being watched by someone from a lineage not easily deceived, a lineage that was ancient thirty centuries before these Scythian hordes had claimed to be a nation. The Great Minister of the West, strong with the power and prestige of England, realized that it was up to him to crown that Royal Mistress, on whose head he had recently placed a new and Imperial coronet, with the fresh symbol of a bloodless victory. In the lofty language of the sacred texts of his people, “Let there be Peace!” he declared; and what he achieved became known to the world in his own famous words of “Peace with Honour!”
BROUGHSHANE.
Broughshane.
This imitation won the first prize in a parody competition, in The World, September 17, 1879.
This imitation won first place in a parody competition in The World, September 17, 1879.
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De Tankard.
The Tankard.
By Benjamin Dizzyreally, Esq., M.P.
By Benjamin Dizzyreally, Esq., M.P.
Chapter XL.
Chapter 40.
“What majority had they last night, my lord?” asked a fair young man in the Carlton, from a stately personage who was sitting at a table near him, occupied with a bottle of Lafitte.
“What majority did they have last night, my lord?” asked a young man in the Carlton, addressing a distinguished individual who was sitting at a nearby table, focused on a bottle of Lafitte.
“Fifty-two,” was the reply.
"52," was the reply.
“How did Peel look when he heard it?”
“How did Peel react when he heard it?”
“Oh, he smiled in his usual quiet triumphant way,” said Lord Mannerley.
“Oh, he smiled in his usual calm, victorious way,” said Lord Mannerley.
“Ah! while Peel is sultan there will be no want of ruined villages for our political owls to make their nests in,” remarked the youth.
“Ah! as long as Peel is in charge, there will be no shortage of ruined villages for our political vultures to settle in,” remarked the young man.
“Yes, these cursed free-traders flourish on the ruins of the agriculturalists,” said Lord Mannerly savagely.
“Yes, these cursed free-traders thrive on the ruins of the farmers,” said Lord Mannerly fiercely.
“And they will be soon howling like jackals in the ruins of the constitution,” added his young companion, with a sigh.
“And they will soon be howling like jackals in the ruins of the constitution,” added his young companion, with a sigh.
“This Lafitte is capital,” said the ruined landowner.
“This Lafitte is amazing,” said the broke landowner.
At this moment a young man approached the table. His bearing was proud, his eyes dark and luminous, his figure stately as a palm-tree. His aquiline nose betrayed his superb organisation. You saw at once that he was of the purest Caucasian race. Yes! his lineage sprung from the families who peopled the noble mountain which received the Divine Ark, and cherished the snowy dove that spread its white wings over the waters, that had swallowed up the inhabitants of a world! As he passed up the noble room, how insignificant in his presence appeared the children of the semi-civilized barbarians, spawned in a northern swamp!
At that moment, a young man walked up to the table. He carried himself with pride, his dark, shining eyes and tall, stately figure reminiscent of a palm tree. His prominent nose indicated his strong heritage. You could tell right away that he belonged to the purest Caucasian line. Yes! His ancestry came from the families who populated the noble mountain that received the Divine Ark and embraced the snowy dove that spread its white wings over the waters that had engulfed the inhabitants of an entire world! As he made his way through the grand room, the children of the semi-civilized barbarians, born from a northern swamp, seemed utterly insignificant in his presence!
“May I offer you a glass of claret, De Tankard?” asked Lord Mannerley.
“Can I get you a glass of claret, De Tankard?” asked Lord Mannerley.
“Thank you, I only drink sherbet, just now,” replied the youth.
“Thanks, I only drink sherbet right now,” replied the young man.
“You can get some Persian sherbet at a penny a glass,” said a witty Milesian lord.
“You can get some Persian sherbet for a penny a glass,” said a clever lord from Miletus.
De Tankard smiled compassionately on the aristocratic buffoon. “’Tis doubtless worthy of your English civilization,” was his calm scornful reply.
De Tankard smiled sympathetically at the aristocratic fool. “It’s definitely worthy of your English civilization,” was his calm, scornful reply.
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Chapter XLIV.
Chapter XLIV.
De Tankard stood at the window of a small country inn, and watched the storm raging in the forest. Lithely bent the straight poplar with a low wail beneath the breath of the north wind. The oak roared, the beech howled, and the wild leaves, caught in the eddies of the winds, were wreathed by them into chaplets, as though the Spirit of the Storm wished to crown with them the noble gazer on his work.
De Tankard stood by the window of a small country inn, watching the storm rage in the forest. The straight poplar swayed gracefully with a low moan under the breath of the north wind. The oak roared, the beech howled, and the wild leaves, caught in the wind's eddies, were twisted into crowns, as if the Spirit of the Storm wanted to crown the noble observer of its work.
“’Tis a great spectacle,” remarked De Tankard, to a man who stood beside him, of an air—oh, how grand!
“It's a great sight,” said De Tankard to a man standing next to him, with a demeanor—oh, how impressive!
Benonia (for it was indeed he!) sneered. “Have you ever seen a Mediterranean white squall, or a whirlwind in the Desert?” he asked.
Benonia (because it was really him!) sneered. “Have you ever seen a Mediterranean white squall, or a whirlwind in the desert?” he asked.
“Alas, no!” was the reply. “I must soon visit the glorious East, the parent of religion, civilization, science, and art,” and the dark eyes of De Tankard glowed with Eastern fire.
“Unfortunately, no!” was the response. “I need to visit the magnificent East soon, the birthplace of religion, civilization, science, and art,” and the dark eyes of De Tankard lit up with an Eastern spark.
“Ah, you are young,” exclaimed Benonia, with enthusiasm. “Glorious youth! By youth have all great deeds been accomplished. Ransack the history of ages. The fact is stamped on every line. The Trojan, Paris, was but a youth when he ran away with the fair Grecian, and got his native town destroyed for it ten years after! Cæsar was in the freshness of life when he destroyed the Republic and founded a despotism. Nero developed his villany early, and Heliogabalus was a confirmed glutton before his minority was over! Nay, to come to our own country, what was the age of the Boy Jones when he passed the sacred precincts of a Royal palace, and stood where none but Royal feet had ever trod before?—Barely sixteen! Look at Lord William Lennox—how young he was when he wrote his great works!”
“Ah, you’re young,” Benonia said excitedly. “Glorious youth! Great achievements have all come from youth. Just look through history. It’s clear on every page. The Trojan Paris was just a kid when he ran off with the beautiful Greek woman, and his hometown was destroyed ten years later because of it! Caesar was in the bloom of youth when he ended the Republic and started a dictatorship. Nero showed his villainy early, and Heliogabalus was already a notorious glutton before he even turned eighteen! And if we look at our own country, how old was the Boy Jones when he slipped into a Royal palace and stood where only Royals had ever walked? Barely sixteen! Just think about Lord William Lennox—he was so young when he wrote his great works!”
Benonia paused. De Tankard dropped a warm and sparkling tear. “I will start to the East to-morrow!” he exclaimed.
Benonia paused. De Tankard dropped a warm and sparkling tear. “I'm heading East tomorrow!” he exclaimed.
“You had better have a couple of millions,” said Benonia. “I have got about half-a-dozen in my pocket to carry me over the night.”
“You should probably have a couple of million,” said Benonia. “I have about six hundred thousand in my pocket to get me through the night.”
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Chapter XLVIII.
Chapter 48.
Silence reigns beneath the brilliant azure of an Oriental sky;—silence, broken only by the silver tinkling of the camel’s bell. A noble creature is the camel. Compared with that Caucasian of beasts, the shapeless quadruped of the Northern, is but an ass!
Silence fills the air under the bright blue of an Oriental sky;—silence, interrupted only by the soft jingle of the camel’s bell. The camel is a magnificent creature. Compared to that Caucasian beast, the awkward four-legged animal from the North is nothing but a donkey!
Ever and anon, through the moist perfumed twilight, steals a delicious breeze. Delicious, but melancholy. For in that breeze floats a prophet’s sigh. The cypress moans as it passes; and the palm-tree bows its proud head in honour to it, as it flies along! On the holy barrenness of the saintly brow of Lebanon, the moon’s rays fall reverently, and Lebanon looks holier under their light.
Every now and then, a lovely breeze drifted through the moist, fragrant twilight. Lovely, but also sad. Because in that breeze comes a sigh from a prophet. The cypress groans as it moves by, and the palm tree lowers its proud head in respect as it sweeps past! On the sacred emptiness of the saintly peak of Lebanon, the moonlight shines down with reverence, making Lebanon look even more holy under its glow.
In the court in front of the counting-house of an Emir, sits De Tankard. From among the round pebbles of the pavement, springs a fresh fountain. On the branches of the trees gleam ripe oranges.
In the courtyard in front of the Emir's counting house, sits De Tankard. A fresh fountain bursts forth from the round pebbles of the pavement. Ripe oranges shine on the branches of the trees.
The young man looked sad and solemn. He had that morning seen an angel, as usual! By his side was a lovely female, and near him the lively young Emir Baboo smoked his nargilly.
The young man looked sad and serious. That morning, he had seen an angel, as usual! Beside him was a beautiful woman, and nearby, the lively young Emir Baboo was smoking his hookah.
“Do you often see angels, De Tankard?” he asked, laughing.
“Do you often see angels, De Tankard?” he asked, laughing.
“Peace!” was the reply.
"Peace!" was the response.
“I have a combination!” cried out the Emir, jumping up with a violence which smashed the nargilly. “Let us 241 get the Druses and Maronites to unite, and we’ll go down to Djouni, and seize the English frigate there! What would Palmerston say to that?”
“I’ve got a great idea!” shouted the Emir, leaping up with such force that he broke the nargilly. “Let’s get the Druses and Maronites to join forces, and we’ll head to Djouni and take the English frigate there! What would Palmerston think of that?”
De Tankard laughed. “The East is the cradle of glory,” said he after a pause, with an enthusiastic look.
De Tankard laughed. “The East is the birthplace of glory,” he said after a pause, looking enthusiastic.
The Emir stared.
The Emir looked on.
“Ah”! said he, “I had a brave chase yesterday, and ran off with the baggage of a caravan.”
“Ah!” he said, “I had an exciting chase yesterday and made off with the caravan's luggage.”
The lady frowned. The Emir fell at her feet, and began to cry.
The woman frowned. The Emir dropped to his knees in front of her and started to cry.
Next day, De Tankard started off with him on an excursion.
Next day, De Tankard set off with him on a trip.
When employed in these ennobling diversions, he learned that his rich maiden aunt had arrived at Jerusalem.
When engaged in these uplifting activities, he discovered that his wealthy aunt had arrived in Jerusalem.
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From The Puppet-Showman’s Album. London.
From The Puppet-Showman’s Album. London.
Another parody on Tancred, written by “Cuthbert Bede” (the Rev. Edward Bradley), appeared in The Shilling Book of Beauty, it was entitled “Tancredi; or, the New Party.” By the Right Hon. B. Bendizzy, M.P.
Another parody of Tancred, written by “Cuthbert Bede” (the Rev. Edward Bradley), appeared in The Shilling Book of Beauty; it was titled “Tancredi; or, the New Party.” By the Right Hon. B. Bendizzy, M.P.
In 1887, Messrs. Swan Sonnenschein & Co., London, published a shilling volume of prose burlesque novels, written by H. F. Lester. The first, entitled Ben D’ymion, was a parody of Lord Beaconsfield’s novel Endymion. The other authors imitated in this collection were William Black, George Elliot, Henry James, Thomas Hardy, and J. H. Shorthouse.
In 1887, Swan Sonnenschein & Co., London, released a shilling volume of prose burlesque novels written by H. F. Lester. The first one, called Ben D’ymion, was a parody of Lord Beaconsfield’s novel Endymion. The other authors parodied in this collection were William Black, George Eliot, Henry James, Thomas Hardy, and J. H. Shorthouse.
Ben D’ymion had originally appeared in Punch in 1880.
Ben D’ymion originally appeared in Punch in 1880.
——:o:——
——:o:——
The Age of Lawn-Tennis.
The Era of Lawn Tennis.
(After Lord Beaconsfield’s “Sybil”.)
(After Lord Beaconsfield’s “Sybil”.)
Chapter I.
Chapter I.
“Advantage, we win,” shouted Sphairistikos.
"Advantage, we win!" shouted Sphairistikos.
“Never,” replied Retiarius, as he made his favourite stroke, which came speeding, whirling, hissing, the one-thousandth part of an inch over the top of the net, and fell twisting, twirling, shooting, in the extreme left-hand corner of the great twelve-yard court, only to be returned, however, by the flexibility of a wrist which had been famous in Harrow’s playing-fields in days of yore.
“Never,” replied Retiarius, as he executed his favorite move, which zipped through the air, whirled, and hissed, just one-thousandth of an inch above the net, and landed twisting and turning in the far left corner of the large twelve-yard court, only to be returned by the agile wrist that had earned fame on Harrow’s playing fields in days gone by.
“Forty-thirty.”
"Forty-thirty."
“Deuce.”
"Double."
“’Vantage against you!” “Game and set!” Such were the Babel-like cries which greeted our ears, as we approached Tong Castle’s level lawn, one fine autumnal afternoon.
“Game, set, match!” “You’re at a disadvantage!” These were the jumbled shouts that filled the air as we walked toward the flat lawn of Tong Castle on a beautiful autumn afternoon.
And what was the scene that confronted us?
And what was the scene that faced us?
Ambitious adversaries, on all sides, were hitting to and fro, in alternated strokes, a gyratory ball, and loudly vociferating amœbean numerals as either side became involved in some reticular difficulty.
Ambitious opponents, on all sides, were hitting back and forth, taking turns with a spinning ball, and loudly shouting out strange numbers as either team got tangled up in some tricky situation.
Here was to be seen, in variegated garb, such a galaxy of beauty as Shropshire seldom sees, assembled to render homage to the great Lawn-Tennis Champion, and to witness the feats of some of England’s doughtiest players.
Here, in a mix of styles, was an impressive display of beauty that Shropshire rarely experiences, gathered to pay tribute to the great Lawn Tennis Champion and to watch the skills of some of England's toughest players.
Here were to be seen the eagle-eyed volleyer, the deft half-volleyer, the swift server, and the nimble net-player; while here, too, the quick cut, the treacherous twister, and the brilliant back-hander were exhibited on all sides in their purest perfection.
Here you could see the sharp-eyed server, the skillful half-volleyer, the fast server, and the agile net player; and here, too, the quick cut, the tricky twist, and the impressive backhand were showcased all around in their finest form.
“Advantage, we win,” repeated Sphairistikos.
"Advantage, we win," repeated Sphairistikos.
“Deuce,” said Retiarius, as his great stroke passed and shot lightning-like past his adversary’s racket.
“Deuce,” said Retiarius, as his powerful shot zipped past his opponent’s racket like lightning.
And so they played and played on, till the balls began to glance in the golden light of a glorious sunset, and then to grow dimmer and dimmer in the deepening shadows of a rich twilight.
And so they kept playing until the balls started to sparkle in the golden light of a beautiful sunset, then gradually faded in the deepening shadows of a warm twilight.
Chapter II.
Chapter 2.
But to what was all this tending, and to what condition had the Lawn-Tennis players brought the Great Western State which they inhabited?
But what was all this leading to, and what state had the Lawn Tennis players created in the Great Western State they lived in?
A monarch on the throne, whose age alone prevented her from casting in her lot with an aristocracy of wealth and learning, who had already commenced to narrow life within the limits of the twelve-yard court!!
A queen on the throne, whose age alone kept her from aligning with a wealthy and educated aristocracy, who had already started to confine life within the boundaries of the twelve-yard court!!
A gentler sex, forsaking the sacred duties of domesticity that they might lend grace and elegance to the all-prevailing pastime!!
A softer gender, leaving behind the cherished responsibilities of home life to bring grace and elegance to the dominant pastime!!
A degraded peasantry, living but to delineate on level lawns the bounds past which England’s greatest and noblest born must not propel the gyrating sphere!!
A degraded peasantry, living only to mark on flat lawns the limits beyond which England’s greatest and noblest must not push the spinning sphere!!
A rustic generation, rising but to collect for their oppressors the distant-driven ball, and developing into manhood merely to tend and trim the smooth-shaven Lawn-Tennis ground, which had now become a necessary adjunct alike to glebe and manor!!
A rural generation, growing up only to fetch the distant-driven ball for their oppressors, and maturing into manhood just to maintain and groom the smooth-shaven Lawn-Tennis court, which had now become an essential addition to both the farmland and estate!!
It was an age of Lawn-Tennis!!
It was a time of lawn tennis!!
“My prophetical instincts tell me,” said Retiarius, as he and his friends were waiting for the nets to be arranged,—“My prophetical instincts tell me that the great coming stroke will be the volley.”
“My prophetic instincts tell me,” said Retiarius, as he and his friends were waiting for the nets to be arranged, “My prophetic instincts tell me that the big upcoming strike will be the volley.”
“Why, so?” said Sphairistikos.
"Why, so?" said Sphairistikos.
“It is as yet,” replied he, “only half-developed. A nation young in Lawn-Tennis has much to learn; much to forget. My impression is that the volley, properly understood, will convulse the future.”
“It is still,” he replied, “only half-developed. A nation new to Lawn Tennis has a lot to learn; and a lot to forget. I believe that the volley, when fully understood, will transform the future.”
“I believe in service for my part,” remarked Sphairistikos,—“Secure your first stroke. Demoralize first, win afterwards; I would borrow from the great nation which gave us Tennis, and say, ‘Ce n’est que le premier pas qui coûte.’”
“I believe in service for my part,” said Sphairistikos, — “Secure your first serve. Demoralize first, win later; I would take from the great nation that gave us Tennis, and say, "It's only the first step that counts."”
“But I am looking to a distant future,” continued Retiarius. “We shall see great changes. There will be hereditary volleyers. The theories of Darwin must prevail. Volleyers will play with volleyers. The pastimes of a country lead to its courtships. It has always been so. A generation of volleyers will rise up who will volley from the service-line as accurately as their grandfathers have done from the nets.”
“But I’m envisioning a future far ahead,” Retiarius continued. “We’re going to see significant changes. There will be hereditary players. Darwin’s theories will have to win out. Players will compete against other players. The hobbies of a country influence its relationships. It’s always been that way. A new generation of players will emerge who will serve from the baseline as accurately as their grandfathers did from the nets.”
“What news from Afghanistan?” asked a fair player, who was putting on her shoes.
“What’s the latest from Afghanistan?” asked a fair player, who was putting on her shoes.
“Fifteen, the Government loses,” replied a Tennis-steeped youth; “they have served two faults,—one into Afghanistan; one into Zululand.”
“Fifteen, the Government loses,” replied a young man steeped in tennis. “They’ve made two faults—one into Afghanistan and one into Zululand.”
“Bother Afghanistan,” said another damsel in short petticoats, “I want the scoring question settled.”
“Forget Afghanistan,” said another girl in short skirts, “I want the scoring question settled.”
But the attendants now announced that the courts were ready.
But the attendants now announced that the courts were ready.
“Fifteen, I win.”
"Fifteen, I won."
“Fifteen, all.”
"Fifteen, that's it."
And so on, and on, and on, the adversaries played, with constantly-varying fortunes, till another day was nearly done, and they were once more compelled to surrender before the flickering blaze of a vanishing sun.
And so on, and on, and on, the opponents played, with changing fortunes, until another day was almost over, and they were once again forced to give in to the flickering light of a setting sun.
From Tennis Cuts and Quips. Edited by Julian Marshall. London. Field and Tuer.
From Tennis Cuts and Quips. Edited by Julian Marshall. London. Field and Tuer.
——:o:——
——:o:——
242 It was known that Lord Beaconsfield had drawn many of the characters in Endymion from prominent members of society, and much curiosity was felt as to the identification of these individuals. Notes and Queries published a conjectural list of them, but it must be borne in mind that Lord Beaconsfield was sufficiently cautious not to paint his portraits too distinctly like his originals, in fact some of his puppets represent two or three individuals merged into one
242 It was known that Lord Beaconsfield had based many of the characters in Endymion on well-known figures of the time, and there was a lot of curiosity about who they might be. Notes and Queries published a speculative list of them, but it should be remembered that Lord Beaconsfield was careful not to make his characters too obviously resemble their real-life counterparts; in fact, some of his characters combine traits from two or three people into one.
| Endymion | Benjamin Disraeli |
| Zenobia | Lady Jersey |
| Berengaria (Lady Montfort) | Hon. Mrs. Norton |
| Agrippina | Queen Hortense |
| Adriana Neufchatel | Lady Burdett Coutts |
| The Neufchatels | The Rothschilds |
| Col. Albert (Prince Florestan) | Napoleon III |
| Lord Roehampton | Lord Palmerston |
| Myra Roehampton | Empress Eugenie |
| Enoch Craggs | Co-operation. |
| Lord Montfort | The late Lord Hertford |
| Lord Rawchester | Earl Granville |
| Earl of Beaumaris | The late Earl of Derby |
| Mr. Bertie Tremaine | Lord Houghton |
| Count of Ferroll | Prince Bismarck |
| Nigel Penruddock | Cardinal Manning |
| Mr. Ferrars (the grandfather) | Rt. Hon. George Rose |
| George Waldershare | Mr. George Smythe (afterwards Lord Strangford) |
| Job Thornberry | Richard Cobden |
| Mr. Vigo | Mr. Poole |
| Mr. Jorrocks | Mr. Milner Gibson |
| Hortensius | Sir W. Vernon Harcourt |
| Sidney Wilton | Sidney Herbert |
| Mr. Sainte Barbe | W. M. Thackeray |
| Mr. Gushy | Charles Dickens |
| Topsy Turvy | Vanity Fair |
| Scaramouch | Punch |
——:o:——
——:o:——
A curious story of a plagiarism is related of Disraeli in the Life of Mr. Abraham Hayward, Q.C., who was formerly on the staff of the Morning Chronicle.
A strange story about plagiarism involves Disraeli in the Life of Mr. Abraham Hayward, Q.C., who used to work for the Morning Chronicle.
Early in the “fifties,” Mr. Disraeli made sundry depreciatory remarks on the speeches of military members of Parliament, classing them contemptuously as effusions of “the military mind.” The men of the Morning Chronicle replied to Mr. Disraeli’s attack on the intellect of soldiers by printing a translation of a magnificent eulogium on the Maréchal de St. Cyr by M. Thiers, setting forth the qualities necessary to a military commander. Mr. Disraeli was evidently struck by the brilliancy of the counter hit, for a few years later, when the Duke of Wellington died, he interpolated the translation, errors and all, in the oration which as leader of the House of Commons it was his duty to deliver on the death of that great general. The old writers of the Chronicle secured the insertion of the speech and the translated passage in the Globe. Mr. Disraeli’s friends made every attempt to explain away the plagiarism till an article in Fraser’s Magazine, written by Mr. Hayward, showed clearly that the passage was not even taken from the French original, but directly from the translation which appeared in the Morning Chronicle. Mr. Hayward was very proud of this article of his, in which he also handled Mr. Disraeli’s “Revolutionary Epick” very roughly.
Early in the 1950s, Mr. Disraeli made various disparaging comments about the speeches of military members of Parliament, dismissively labeling them as expressions of “the military mind.” The team at the Morning Chronicle responded to Mr. Disraeli’s criticism of soldiers' intellect by printing a translation of a brilliant tribute to Maréchal de St. Cyr by M. Thiers, highlighting the essential qualities of a military leader. Mr. Disraeli was clearly impressed by this sharp counterattack, because a few years later, when the Duke of Wellington passed away, he included the translation, errors and all, in the speech he was required to give as leader of the House of Commons to honor that great general. The old writers from the Chronicle made sure the speech and the translated portion were published in the Globe. Mr. Disraeli’s supporters tried to downplay the plagiarism until an article in Fraser’s Magazine, written by Mr. Hayward, clearly demonstrated that the passage wasn’t even taken from the original French, but directly from the translation that appeared in the Morning Chronicle. Mr. Hayward was quite proud of this article, in which he also critiqued Mr. Disraeli’s “Revolutionary Epick” very harshly.
The Woman in Tights.
The Woman in Leggings.
By Wilkie Collins.
By Wilkie Collins.
The narrative commenced by Walter Heartbright, teacher of jig-dancing, of Fulwood’s-rents, Holborn. This is a story of what a woman’s impatience can procure, and what a man’s irresolution can achieve. If the law were not such a blundering battering-ram the events which fill these pages might have merited its attention. I live with my mother, who keeps a general shop. Events alter my life. I go to Cumberland to attend on a gentleman. The story continued by Mr. Bearly, Gummeridge House, Cumberland: I am all self, etchings, and nerves. Why? I know not. Perhaps Laura knows, or Sir Pursefull. I am asked to make a statement. Aided by a galvanic battery I make it. Laura has gone on the stage. I am worried. Why should I be? I give it up. Thank you. Don’t bang. Send Heartbright here. I would see him dance. Statement by Hester Teecloth, cook at Count Bosco’s: I remember a lady being brought to our house last June. She came in a temper and a brougham. She was laid on the sofa. She looked wildlike, and kept shouting “There they go, millions of ’em.” When the doctor saw her he winked at the count and whispered, “Delicious trimmings,” but the poor thing was plainly dressed. That’s all I know. Heartbright finishes the story: We are to be married in a week’s time. Laura’s faculties have returned. Mr. Bearly and his nerves have found Nirvana. Sir Pursefull was drowned while showing off a lifebelt of his own invention. Bosco is in an asylum. His time is occupied in plucking green mice from his beard, and chirruping to pink canaries which he fancies he sees on the wall. My mother, always of a retiring disposition, has given up business. I am heir of Gummeridge House. Thus it ends.
The story starts with Walter Heartbright, a jig-dancing teacher from Fulwood’s Rents in Holborn. It’s a tale about how a woman's impatience can lead to unexpected outcomes and how a man's hesitation can result in significant consequences. If the law weren’t such a clumsy obstacle, the events chronicled here might have caught its attention. I live with my mom, who runs a general store. Changes in my life happen. I travel to Cumberland to attend to a gentleman. The story continues with Mr. Bearly from Gummeridge House, Cumberland: I’m full of anxiety and nerves. Why? I don’t know. Maybe Laura knows, or Sir Pursefull does. I’ve been asked to give a statement. With the help of a galvanic battery, I provide it. Laura has gone into acting. I’m anxious. Why should I be? I can’t figure it out. Thank you. Please don’t slam the door. Send Heartbright over; I want to see him dance. Statement from Hester Teecloth, cook at Count Bosco’s: I remember a lady coming to our house last June. She arrived in a temper and a carriage. She was laid on the sofa. She looked frantic and kept shouting, “There they go, millions of ’em.” When the doctor saw her, he winked at the count and whispered, “Delicious trimmings,” but the poor woman was dressed quite plainly. That’s all I know. Heartbright wraps up the story: We are set to get married in a week. Laura has her wits back. Mr. Bearly and his nerves have found peace. Sir Pursefull drowned while demonstrating a lifebelt he invented. Bosco is in a mental asylum, spending his time pulling green mice from his beard and chirping at pink canaries he thinks he sees on the wall. My mom, always shy, has closed the shop. I’m now the heir to Gummeridge House. And that’s how it concludes.
William Evison Rose.
William Evison Rose.
The Weekly Dispatch. February 25, 1883.
The Weekly Dispatch. February 25, 1883.
In this parody competition the compositions were limited to 300 words, a regulation which sadly hampered the competitors.
In this parody competition, the pieces were limited to 300 words, a rule that unfortunately held back the participants.
In Bret Harte’s Sensation Novels Condensed, there is a parody of Wilkie Collins, called “No Title.”
In Bret Harte’s Sensation Novels Condensed, there's a parody of Wilkie Collins titled “No Title.”
The Luck of Tory Camp.
The Luck of Tory Camp.
By Bread Tart.
By Bread Tart.
There was commotion in Tory Camp. Outside a rude cabin waited an excited crowd, headed by Solly, a stalwart digger, with a Raphael face and profusion of dark beard, whose duel with Harden Bill, the Rad-Dog Woodcutter, was still talked of with bated breath. The name of a woman was on every lip, a name familiar in the camp—Poll Icy. The less said of her the better; no better than she should be perhaps; half foreign, half Ingin; but yet the only woman in camp, and now in woman’s direst extremity. Suddenly an excited Celestial joined the group. “Lemme investigate, John,” said he; “me Pal-Mal, me washee-washee dirty linen, me go see her.” “Scoot, you dern skunk!” thundered Solly; “none but a down-east johnny-cake ’ud trust you with any woman nowadays.” At that moment a wail, feeble, yet sufficient to quell the laughter that greeted Solly’s sally, announced a birth in Tory Camp.… Little Randy, or the Luck—for by these names the frolicsome miners had christened the infant (in beer)—grew and throve, and soon became a power in the camp. His childish jokes with 243 Sairey Gamp, his nurse, were the delight of the brawny getters of gold from quartz (s), and even Solly smiled when the Luck “tackled the old ’un,” which he did when Harden Bill visited the camp now and then. “Rastled with Bill’s little finger, the derned little cuss,” roared Solly; “rastled with it, dern my skin.”
There was a stir in Tory Camp. Outside a rough cabin, an excited crowd had gathered, led by Solly, a strong miner with a striking face and a thick dark beard. People were still talking with excitement about his duel with Harden Bill, the Rad-Dog Woodcutter. Everyone was murmuring the name of a woman, a name that everyone in the camp knew—Poll Icy. It was better not to say too much about her; she wasn’t the best of women, perhaps; half foreign, half Native American; but she was the only woman in camp, and now she was in a serious crisis. Suddenly, an excited Chinese man joined the group. “Let me check it out, John,” he said; “I’m Pal-Mal, I do the laundry, I’m going to see her.” “Get lost, you damn skunk!” roared Solly; “only a naive fool would trust you with any woman these days.” At that moment, a weak cry, enough to silence the laughter that followed Solly’s remark, announced a birth in Tory Camp.… Little Randy, or the Luck—for that was what the playful miners named the baby (in beer)—grew up and quickly became a significant presence in the camp. His playful antics with 243 Sairey Gamp, his nurse, entertained the tough gold miners, and even Solly smiled when the Luck “wrestled with the old man,” which he did during Harden Bill’s visits to the camp now and then. “Wrestled with Bill’s little finger, the damn little rascal,” laughed Solly; “wrestled with it, damn my skin.”
The winter of 1885 will long be remembered in California. One night Tea-Pot Gulch and Rad-Dog Fork leaped suddenly over their banks, and descended in ruin upon Tory Camp. When morning dawned the Luck lay lifeless in Solly’s arms, and Harden Bill smiled grimly as he watched the strangely assorted pair floating quietly towards the Sea of Oblivion.
The winter of 1885 will be remembered in California for a long time. One night, Tea-Pot Gulch and Rad-Dog Fork overflowed their banks and crashed down on Tory Camp. When morning came, Luck lay lifeless in Solly’s arms, and Harden Bill smiled grimly as he watched the oddly matched pair float quietly toward the Sea of Oblivion.
J. C. Rose.
J.C. Rose.
The Weekly Dispatch. September 13, 1885.
The Weekly Dispatch. September 13, 1885.
There is a parody on Bret Harte’s prose in The Shotover Papers (Oxford, 1874) entitled His Finger, but it is not sufficiently characteristic to merit reprinting.
There is a parody of Bret Harte’s writing in The Shotover Papers (Oxford, 1874) called His Finger, but it’s not distinctive enough to be worth reprinting.
Mr. Midshipman Breezy.
Cadet Breezy.
A Naval Officer.
A Navy Officer.
By Captain Marryat, R.N.
By Captain Marryat, Royal Navy
CHAPTER I.
CHAPTER 1.
My father was a north-country surgeon. He had retired, a widower from Her Majesty’s navy many years before, and had a small practice in his native village. When I was seven years old he employed me to carry medicines to his patients. Being of a lively disposition, I sometimes amused myself, during my daily rounds, by mixing the contents of the different phials. Although I had no reason to doubt that the general result of this practice was beneficial, yet, as the death of a consumptive curate followed the addition of a strong mercurial lotion to his expectorant, my father concluded to withdraw me from the profession and send me to school.
My dad was a surgeon from the north. He had retired many years ago as a widower from Her Majesty’s navy and had a small practice in his hometown. When I was seven, he had me deliver medicines to his patients. Since I was a lively kid, I sometimes entertained myself during my daily rounds by mixing the contents of the different bottles. Even though I thought the overall result of this practice was good, after a consumptive curate died following the addition of a strong mercurial lotion to his cough medicine, my dad decided to pull me out of the profession and send me to school.
Grubbins, the schoolmaster, was a tyrant, and it was not long before my impetuous and self-willed nature rebelled against his authority. I soon began to form plans of revenge. In this I was assisted by Tom Snaffle—a school-fellow. One day Tom suggested:
Grubbins, the schoolmaster, was a bully, and it didn't take long for my impulsive and stubborn nature to push back against his control. I quickly started plotting my revenge. I was aided in this by Tom Snaffle— a classmate. One day, Tom suggested:
“Suppose we blow him up. I’ve got two pounds of gun-powder!”
“Let’s blow him up. I’ve got two pounds of gunpowder!”
“No, that’s too noisy,” I replied.
“No, that’s too loud,” I replied.
Tom was silent for a minute, and again spoke.
Tom was quiet for a minute, then spoke again.
“You remember how you flattened out the curate, Pills! Couldn’t you give Grubbins something—something to make him leathery sick—eh?”
“You remember how you took down the curate, Pills! Couldn’t you give Grubbins something—something to make him feel really sick—eh?”
A flash of inspiration crossed my mind. I went to the shop of the village apothecary. He knew me; I had often purchased vitriol, which I poured into Grubbins’s inkstand to corrode his pens and burn up his coat-tail, on which he was in the habit of wiping them. I boldly asked for an ounce of chloroform. The young apothecary winked and handed me the bottle.
A sudden idea hit me. I went to the village pharmacy. The pharmacist recognized me; I had frequently bought sulfuric acid, which I poured into Grubbins’s inkwell to eat away his pens and singe his coat tail, which he used to wipe them. I confidently asked for an ounce of chloroform. The young pharmacist winked and handed me the bottle.
It was Grubbins’s custom to throw his handkerchief over his head, recline in his chair, and take a short nap during recess. Watching my opportunity, as he dozed, I managed to slip his handkerchief from his face and substitute my own, moistened with chloroform. In a few minutes he was insensible. Tom and I then quickly shaved his head, beard, and eyebrows, blackened his face with a mixture of vitriol and burnt cork, and fled. There was a row and scandal the next day. My father always excused me by asserting that Grubbins had got drunk—but somehow found it convenient to procure me an appointment in Her Majesty’s navy at an early day.
It was Grubbins's routine to throw his handkerchief over his head, lean back in his chair, and take a short nap during recess. Seizing my chance, while he was dozing, I managed to swap his handkerchief for my own, which I had soaked in chloroform. Within a few minutes, he was out cold. Tom and I then quickly shaved his head, beard, and eyebrows, darkened his face with a mix of acid and burnt cork, and made our escape. The next day, there was a big fuss and scandal. My father always defended me by claiming that Grubbins had gotten drunk—but somehow he conveniently arranged for me to get a position in Her Majesty's navy soon after.
CHAPTER II.
CHAPTER II.
An official letter, with the Admiralty seal, informed me that I was expected to join H.M. ship Belcher, Captain Boltrope, at Portsmouth, without delay. In a few days I presented myself to a tall, stern-visaged man, who was slowly pacing the leeward side of the quarter-deck. As I touched my hat he eyed me sternly:
An official letter, with the Admiralty seal, informed me that I was expected to join H.M. ship Belcher, Captain Boltrope, at Portsmouth, without delay. A few days later, I introduced myself to a tall, serious-looking man who was slowly walking along the leeward side of the quarter-deck. As I touched my hat, he looked at me with a stern expression:
“So ho! Another young suckling. The service is going to the devil. Nothing but babes in the cockpit and grannies in the board. Boatswain’s mate, pass the word for Mr. Cheek!”
“So hey! Another rookie. The service is going downhill. Just kids in the cockpit and old ladies on the board. Boatswain’s mate, let Mr. Cheek know!”
Mr. Cheek, the steward, appeared and touched his hat.
Mr. Cheek, the steward, showed up and tipped his hat.
“Introduce Mr. Breezy to the young gentlemen. Stop! Where’s Mr. Swizzle?”
“Introduce Mr. Breezy to the young men. Hold on! Where’s Mr. Swizzle?”
“At the masthead, sir.”
"At the top, sir."
“Where’s Mr. Lankey?”
“Where’s Mr. Lankey?”
“At the masthead, sir.”
“At the top, sir.”
“Mr. Briggs?”
“Mr. Briggs?”
“Masthead, too, sir.”
"Masthead as well, sir."
“And the rest of the young gentlemen?” roared the enraged officer.
“And what about the other young guys?” shouted the furious officer.
“All masthead, sir.”
"All heads up, sir."
“Ah!” said Captain Boltrope, as he smiled grimly, “under the circumstances, Mr. Breezy, you had better go to the masthead too.”
“Ah!” said Captain Boltrope, smiling grimly, “given the situation, Mr. Breezy, you should probably go to the masthead as well.”
CHAPTER III.
CHAPTER 3
At the masthead I made the acquaintance of two youngsters of about my own age, one of whom informed me that he had been there 332 days out of the year.
At the masthead, I met two guys who were about my age, one of whom told me he had been there for 332 days in the past year.
“In rough weather, when the old cock is out of sorts, you know, we never come down,” added a young gentleman of nine years, with a dirk nearly as long as himself, who had been introduced to me as Mr. Briggs. “By the way, Pills,” he continued, “how did you come to omit giving the captain a naval salute!”
“In bad weather, when the old rooster is grumpy, you know, we never go outside,” added a young boy of nine, with a knife almost as long as he was, who had been introduced to me as Mr. Briggs. “By the way, Pills,” he continued, “how did you forget to give the captain a naval salute?”
“Why, I touched my hat,” I said, innocently.
“Why, I tipped my hat,” I said, innocently.
“Yes, but that isn’t enough, you know. That will do very well at other times. He expects the naval salute when you first come on board—greeny!”
“Yes, but that isn’t enough, you know. That works fine at other times. He expects the naval salute when you first come on board—greeny!”
I began to feel alarmed, and begged him to explain.
I started to feel worried and begged him to explain.
“Why, you see, after touching your hat, you should have touched him lightly with your forefinger in his waistcoat, so, and asked, ‘How’s his nibs?’—you see?”
“Look, after you tip your hat, you should have tapped him gently with your forefinger on his waistcoat, like this, and asked, ‘How’s he doing?’—you get it?”
“How’s his nibs?” I repeated.
“How’s he doing?” I repeated.
“Exactly. He would have drawn back a little, and then you should have repeated the salute, remarking ‘How’s his royal nibs?’ asking cautiously after his wife and family, and requesting to be introduced to the gunner’s daughter.”
“Exactly. He would have pulled back a bit, and then you should have repeated the greeting, saying ‘How’s his royal highness?’ inquiring carefully about his wife and family, and asking to be introduced to the gunner’s daughter.”
“The gunner’s daughter?”
“The gunner’s kid?”
“The same; you know she takes care of us young gentlemen; now don’t forget, Pillsy!”
“The same; you know she looks after us young guys; now don’t forget, Pillsy!”
When we were called down to the deck I thought it a good chance to profit by this instruction. I approached Captain Boltrope and repeated the salute without conscientiously omitting a single detail. He remained for a moment livid and speechless. At length he gasped out:
When we were called down to the deck, I saw it as a good opportunity to make the most of this lesson. I approached Captain Boltrope and saluted, making sure not to skip a single detail. He stood there for a moment, pale and speechless. Finally, he gasped out:
“Boatswain’s mate!”
“Bosun’s mate!”
“If you please, sir,” I asked, tremulously, “I should like to be introduced to the gunner’s daughter!”
“If you don’t mind, sir,” I asked nervously, “I would like to be introduced to the gunner’s daughter!”
“O, very good, sir!” screamed Captain Boltrope, rubbing his hands and absolutely capering about the deck with rage. “O d—n you! Of course you shall! 244 O ho! the gunner’s daughter! O, h—ll! this is too much! Boatswain’s mate!” Before I well knew where I was, I was seized, borne to an eightpounder, tied upon it and flogged!
“O, very good, sir!” yelled Captain Boltrope, rubbing his hands and really jumping around the deck in anger. “O damn you! Of course, you will! 244 O ho! The gunner’s daughter! O, hell! This is too much! Boatswain’s mate!” Before I knew what was happening, I was grabbed, taken to an eight-pounder, tied to it, and whipped!
* * * * *
* * * * *
From Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte. London. Ward, Lock and Co.
From Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte. London. Ward, Lock and Co.
The Pale-Faced Warriors.
The Pale-Faced Warriors.
By Captain Mayne Reid.
By Capt. Mayne Reid.
CHAPTER I.
CHAPTER I.
“I feel kinder dull,” said Tiger Tom to me one day. “Let us go and kill some ‘Injins.’” We soon reached the forest, but not a Redskin was in sight. Tom examined the trail closely, and with an old backwoodsman’s unerring instinct declared we should see no “Injins” that day. As I was complimenting him upon his wonderful sagacity, we were suddenly surprised by a band of the dreaded Chickatoos. With one thought for those at home Tom took to his heels and vanished. The savages bound me to a tree, and told me not to run away. I promised not to.
“I feel kind of bored,” said Tiger Tom to me one day. “Let’s go hunt some ‘Injins.’” We soon got to the forest, but there wasn’t a Redskin in sight. Tom carefully looked at the trail, and with an old woodsman's instinct, he said we wouldn’t see any “Injins” that day. Just as I was praising him for his amazing insight, we were unexpectedly ambushed by a group of the feared Chickatoos. In a moment of concern for those back home, Tom took off running and disappeared. The savages tied me to a tree and told me not to escape. I promised I wouldn’t.
CHAPTER II.
CHAPTER II.
An exciting discussion upon cookery, of which I was the central object, followed. One advocated roasting, another baking me! I did not favour either. Between them I got into a stew. At night, whilst the rascals slept, I perceived an Indian maiden by my side. She unbound me, and gave me the full dress of a chief, and some pigment to stain my skin with. To disguise myself was the work of a minute and three-quarters, when the savages awoke, and missing me, set up a terrific yell, and started in pursuit. To avoid observation, I accompanied them.
An exciting conversation about cooking, in which I was the main topic, followed. One person suggested roasting, and another one suggested baking me! I didn’t like either option. Between them, I was in a real mess. At night, while the troublemakers were asleep, I saw an Indian girl next to me. She untied me and gave me a chief's full outfit and some paint to color my skin. It took just a minute and three-quarters to disguise myself, when the savages woke up, noticed I was missing, let out a terrifying scream, and started chasing after me. To avoid being seen, I decided to go along with them.
CHAPTER III.
CHAPTER III.
The chase was particularly close. I was anxiously awaiting nightfall to escape them, when, horror! something wet touched my cheek. It was raining. The rain fell in torrents, and as it washed my colour off and I gradually became white, the Chickatoos saw through my disguise. Seizing his rifle, the chief told me to stand apart. He fired, but missed me. I feigned to be hit, and springing into the air, turned sixteen distinct somersaults. Before they recovered from their surprise, I disappeared in the forest.
The chase was really intense. I was nervously waiting for nightfall to get away from them when, to my horror, something wet touched my cheek. It was raining. The rain poured down heavily, and as it washed away my color and I slowly turned white, the Chickatoos saw through my disguise. Grabbing his rifle, the chief told me to step aside. He shot, but missed me. I pretended I was hit and, jumping into the air, did sixteen distinct somersaults. Before they could react to their shock, I vanished into the forest.
F. P. Delafond.
F. P. Delafond.
The Weekly Dispatch Competition. February 25, 1883.
The Weekly Dispatch Competition. February 25, 1883.
In this competition, the compositions were limited to 300 words, which prevented the authors from giving more than a very rough caricature of their originals. But in 1867, Mr. Walter Parke contributed a parody of Captain Mayne Reid to Judy free from any such harrassing restriction, and succeeded in producing a most blood-curdling romance. It was entitled “The Skull Hunters: A Terrific Tale of the Prairie!!” By Captain Rayne Meade; and consisted of twenty-one chapters of thrilling adventures, and daring exploits with illustrations to match. This was published in book form in 1868, another and revised edition was brought out in 1887, during the excitement about Buffalo Bill’s Wild West. This had a tremendous sale, it was called “sportmans; or, The Warriors of the Wild West.” Judy Office, London.
In this competition, the compositions were limited to 300 words, which kept the authors from giving more than a very rough caricature of their originals. But in 1867, Mr. Walter Parke contributed a parody of Captain Mayne Reid to Judy without any such annoying restrictions and managed to create a truly chilling romance. It was titled “The Skull Hunters: A Terrific Tale of the Prairie!!” By Captain Rayne Meade; and included twenty-one chapters of thrilling adventures and daring exploits, complete with matching illustrations. This was released in book form in 1868, and a revised edition was published in 1887 during the hype around Buffalo Bill’s Wild West. This version sold extremely well and was titled “sportmans; or, The Warriors of the Wild West.” Judy Office, London.
ANTICIPATIONS OF THE DERBY.
DERBY EXPECTATIONS.
By a French Visitor.
From a French Visitor.
I. L’Homme qui Rit.
I. The Man Who Laughs.
For Genius, as for Ambition—for Prometheus who thinks, as for Prometheus who wields the great battalions—seems it not that there is reserved, by the derisive irony of Fate, an expiatory rock, an island exile?
For Genius, just like for Ambition—for Prometheus who thinks, as well as for Prometheus who leads the great armies—doesn't it seem that there is, by the mocking irony of Fate, a punishment waiting, an isolated exile?
For Victor Hugo, this rock, expiatory but glorious, calls itself Guernsey.
For Victor Hugo, this rock, both redemptive and glorious, is called Guernsey.
For Napoleon, it had two names; it was Elba, and it was Ste. Hélène.
For Napoleon, it had two names: Elba and Ste. Hélène.
Patience, Master! Watching the brumous clouds, tainted with Britannic fogs, that roll around the Islands of the Sleeve in the crepusculary sadness of an English spring—listening to the breeze, keen, acute, Arctic, Polar, which groans, which growls, which howls, which whistles menacing but impuissant, around the walls of Hauteville House—remember thyself, Master, that History, as for Ambition, so for Genius, repeats herself, in moments, for the one of remorse, for the other of caprice!
Patience, Master! Watching the dark clouds, stained with British fog, that drift around the Islands of the Sleeve in the dim sadness of an English spring—listening to the wind, sharp, cold, Arctic, Polar, which moans, which rumbles, which howls, which whistles threateningly but powerless, around the walls of Hauteville House—remember, Master, that History, just like Ambition and Genius, tends to repeat itself, at times, for one out of regret, for the other out of whim!
After Elba, the Hundred Days.
After Elba, the Hundred Days.
After Ste. Hélène, the voyage of the Belle-Poule.
After Ste. Hélène, the journey of the Belle-Poule.
“He laughs best who laughs last,” says the Proverb.
“He laughs best who laughs last,” says the Proverb.
Proverbs are the wisdom of nations.
Proverbs are the collective wisdom of cultures.
And thou, oh Master, oh author of the Man who Laughs, thy laugh is as the laugh of Gwynplaine, sombre but not cynical, permanent but full of pity, of compassion—a laughter broken with tears—above all, a laughter which endures!
And you, oh Master, oh author of The Man Who Laughs, your laugh is like Gwynplaine's—dark but not cynical, lasting yet full of pity and compassion—a laughter interrupted by tears—most importantly, a laughter that lasts!
II. The Solidarity of the Sportmans.
II. The Unity of Athletes.
Yes; in England, everything is great. Even in her sports, she is the Titaness of the Ocean.
Yes; in England, everything is awesome. Even in her sports, she is the Titaness of the Ocean.
There is a solidarity of peoples; above all, there is a solidarity amongst the votaries of Diana, huntress pale, chaste, ferocious, formidable, but ravishing, but divine!
There is a unity of people; above all, there is a unity among the followers of Diana, the pale huntress, chaste, fierce, intimidating, yet enchanting, yet divine!
The sportmans of France, the sportmans of England, they are as the brothers of Corsica. What says your Williams? “As we were being washed by nurse, we got completely mixed!”
The sportsmen of France, the sportsmen of England, they are like the brothers of Corsica. What does your Williams say? “When we were being bathed by the nurse, we got totally mixed up!”
Touching and tender fantasy of this grand old Swan of Stratford-upon-Thames! Or, what say I—of Corsica? Of Siam—melancholy but affecting type of the rudimentary solidarity of the Orient!
Touching and tender fantasy of this grand old Swan of Stratford-upon-Thames! Or, what should I say—of Corsica? Of Siam—sad yet moving example of the basic connection of the Orient!
I had long desired to watch you insularies in the sports of the hippodrome, in which I am myself not without skill; but the furious storms of the Sleeve twice detained me at Calais, and once at Boulogne. I consoled myself in the hope that everything comes to him who knows how to wait.
I had wanted to watch you islanders in the sports of the hippodrome for a long time, and I have some skill in it myself; but the fierce storms of the Channel kept me stuck in Calais twice and once in Boulogne. I comforted myself with the belief that good things come to those who know how to wait.
I knew how to wait. I waited.
I knew how to be patient. I waited.
After Chantilly, Epsom’s courses!
After Chantilly, Epsom's tracks!
The sea appeared calm; not a wrinkle in the folds of the steel-blue Sleeve.
The sea looked calm; not a ripple in the smooth, steel-blue water.
I embarked myself, with my luggage in my left hand and my “Ruff’s Guide to the Turf” in my right.
I set off with my luggage in my left hand and my “Ruff’s Guide to the Turf” in my right.
I shall see them, then, at last—these courses, sacred in the past by the memory of Eclipse and the Flying Admiral Childers, dear to the patriotic heart of France in the present days by the triumph of Gladiateur!
I will finally see them—these paths, once revered by the memories of Eclipse and the Flying Admiral Childers, now cherished by the patriotic spirit of France thanks to the triumph of Gladiateur!
245 III. Ocean less Perfidious than the Aristocracy of Albion.
245 III. Ocean Less Deceitful than the Elite of Britain.
The sun was shining. The Ocean stirred gently in its sleep. Its ripples were as tender, as voluptuous, as the sighs of pleasure which scarcely derange the diaphanous scarf that lies upon the bosom of beauty. Oh, Phœbus! Oh, Neptunus! Oh, Venus!
The sun was shining. The ocean stirred gently in its sleep. Its ripples were as soft and sensuous as the whispered sighs of pleasure that barely disturb the sheer scarf resting on the chest of beauty. Oh, Phoebus! Oh, Neptune! Oh, Venus!
I told you the sun was shining. My heart also. That I was gay! Gaiety premature, unreasonable, absurd!
I told you the sun was shining. My heart was too. That I was happy! Happiness that was too early, irrational, ridiculous!
As we cross Calais Bar the vessel rolls. I like it not. Can she be strong enough for the traverse, often fearful and stormy, to Douvres? I begin to marvel whether she is made of iron, or only made of wood.
As we pass through Calais Bar, the boat rocks. I'm not a fan of it. Is she strong enough for the often rough and stormy journey to Dover? I'm starting to wonder if she's made of iron or just wood.
I address the question, politely, to a young English sportmans by my side—“Pardon, Mister! but what is the vessel made of?”
I politely ask a young English sportman next to me, “Excuse me, sir! What is the vessel made of?”
A spasm of uncertainty, if not of pain, passes across his face as he points to an inscription inside the paddle-boxes.
A flash of uncertainty, if not pain, crosses his face as he points to an inscription inside the paddle-boxes.
One can only die one time; nevertheless, it is permitted to exclaim against the perfidy of the Steam-Lords of the Board of Commerce for London and Douvres. I read the inscription. Hope abandons me. The vessel is not made of iron!
One can only die once; however, it’s okay to shout out against the betrayal of the Steam-Lords of the Board of Commerce for London and Dover. I read the inscription. Hope leaves me. The ship is not made of iron!
She is not even made of wood!!
She isn't even made of wood!!
She is only “Maid of Kent!!!”
She is just “Maid of Kent!!!”
IV. Portentosum Mare.
IV. Portentosum Mare.
An agitation which I have never felt before seems to seize upon me.
An unsettling feeling that I've never experienced before seems to take hold of me.
The further we go, the more it increases.
The further we go, the more it grows.
The young English sportmans, with the cynical indifference of the patrician, contemplates my sufferings, and lights his cigar. Is it that he calls that “solidarity”?
The young English sportmans, with a cynical indifference typical of the wealthy, looks at my suffering and lights his cigar. Is that what he calls that “solidarity”?
Two blonde misses with their papa—oligarch, fat, and without sympathy—sit near me. They talk to each other freely. At times they laugh. I laugh not, I!
Two blonde girls with their dad—an oligarch, overweight, and lacking empathy—sit near me. They chat easily with each other. Sometimes they laugh. I don’t laugh, though!
Nor would they laugh, spoilt infants of Fashion, if I were to express the ideas that are struggling in my bosom—if I were to show them all that is within me!
Nor would they laugh, spoiled children of Fashion, if I were to express the ideas that are struggling in my heart—if I were to show them everything that’s inside me!
V. After Convulsion, Despair.
V. After Shock, Despair.
I have shown them all that was within me.
I have revealed everything that’s inside me.
They have moved away—it was a prudent step.
They have moved away—it was a smart decision.
Now that they are gone, I could almost wish that I were dead!
Now that they’re gone, I could almost wish I were dead!
VI. Noblesse Oblige.
VI. Noblesse Oblige.
The young English sportmans is, after all, a good infant. He brings me a big goblet and a biscuit, which comfort me, and tries to speak to me in French.
The young English sportmans is, after all, a nice kid. He brings me a large goblet and a biscuit, which cheer me up, and tries to talk to me in French.
Words sympathetic, but mysterious.
Sympathetic yet mysterious.
“Ah, Monsieur,” he says, “il faut décidément maintenir votre pivert!”
“Ah, Monsieur,” he says, “we definitely need to keep your woodpecker!”
Enigma! “I must keep up my wood-pecker?” I have no wood-pecker! I tell him so in his own tongue; adding that I am very fond of shooting at the doves.
Enigma! “Do I have to keep up my woodpecker?” I don’t have any woodpecker! I tell him that in his own language; adding that I really enjoy shooting at the doves.
“Ah,” he rejoins, “we don’t call ’em Doves, we call ’em les hiboux du coiffeur—Barbers’ Owls!”
“Ah,” he replies, “we don’t call them Doves, we call them les hiboux du coiffeur—Barbers’ Owls!”
We become more and more friendly, as the pain subsides. When we reach Douvres, I give him my card.
We get friendlier as the pain eases. When we arrive in Dover, I hand him my card.
He says that he has forgotten his; but that I shall have no difficulty in finding him at any of the tambours de la chasse—Sporting Drums—especially if I ask for Lord William Wiggins, of Wapping.
He says he’s forgotten his, but I shouldn’t have any trouble finding him at any of the tambours de la chasse—Sporting Drums—especially if I ask for Lord William Wiggins, of Wapping.
What a droll of a name! Not facile to pronounce, that! Let us essay, with the help of the dictionary of pronunciation:
What a quirky name! It's not easy to pronounce at all! Let's try, with the help of the pronunciation dictionary:
“Ouilliam Ouiggins—of Ouapping.”
“William Wiggins—of Wrapping.”
VII. The Babylon of Britain.
VII. The Babylon of Britain.
Yes: in England everything is great. Behold this London, confused and chaotic amalgamation of bourg upon bourg, of city upon city, almost of county upon county—behold its administration, vague, contradictory, without doubt, but immense, but Titanic, but sublime.
Yes: in England everything is great. Look at this London, a confusing and chaotic mix of borough after borough, city upon city, almost county upon county—check out its administration, unclear, contradictory, undoubtedly, but huge, but monumental, but magnificent.
To-day London has but one heart, which palpitates—one thought, which engrosses—one dream, which possesses—one hope, which enchants. To the heart, the thought, the dream, the hope, there is one key.
Today, London has just one heart that beats—one thought that captivates—one dream that takes over—one hope that delights. There is one key to the heart, the thought, the dream, and the hope.
It is the Epsom’s Courses, at Derby!
It is the Epsom’s Courses, at Derby!
VIII. Explications.
VIII. Explanations.
Questions to resolve:
Questions to answer:
“Who is Epsom?”
“Who’s Epsom?”
“And where is Derby?”
“Where's Derby?”
Mystery strange and inexplicable, this Epsom! Not one of my interlocutors, of French or English, can give me any particulars of his life. Oh fame, oh renown, oh fickleness of popular affection! We go to the Courses he has founded; and yet the very day of his death is forgotten or unknown!
Mystery strange and inexplicable, this Epsom! Not one of my conversational partners, whether French or English, can share any details about his life. Oh fame, oh renown, oh fickleness of popular affection! We attend the races he established; and yet the very day of his death is forgotten or unknown!
Another mystery. Derby is a hundred and twenty miles from London; and yet many of my friends assure that they will drive down without a single change of horses! Ah, then, it is no marvel, this predominance of the old England in the hippic arena, when even the ordinary horses of the carriage can travel a hundred and twenty miles—two hundred kilomètres—without fatigue.
Another mystery. Derby is a hundred and twenty miles from London, yet many of my friends confidently say they can drive down without even switching horses! Well, it’s no surprise that this old England continues to dominate the horse racing scene when even the regular carriage horses can travel a hundred and twenty miles—two hundred kilometers—without getting tired.
These facts were new to me. They were also new to most of my countrymen with whom I conversed.
These facts were unfamiliar to me. They were also new to most of my fellow countrymen with whom I spoke.
The Unknown—behold the Redoubtable!
The Unknown—check out the Redoubtable!
IX. Vieille Ecole, Bonne Ecole.
IX. Old School, Good School.
Happily, I encounter Lord Ouiggins.
I happily run into Lord Ouiggins.
He is an aristocrat of the old rock—a little mocking, perchance, a little reserved, cold, indifferent, proud, but of an antique probity, a disinterestedness more than Roman.
He’s an aristocrat of the old school—maybe a bit mocking, somewhat reserved, cold, indifferent, proud, but with an old-fashioned integrity and a selflessness that’s more than Roman.
He takes me under his charge.
He takes me under his care.
I had been deceived. They were mocking themselves of me, those who told me the courses were at Derby. They are run on Epsom’s Salt-Downs.
I had been deceived. They were making a joke of me, those who said the courses were at Derby. They actually take place on Epsom’s Salt-Downs.
“Derby” is only the title of their founder, one of those English eccentrics of whom the type is so familiar in France—poet, politician, jockey—Premier Minister of Great Britain until he was overthrown by the intrigues of Sir Benjamin Gladstone!
“Derby” is just the title of their founder, one of those English eccentrics that are so well-known in France—poet, politician, jockey—a Prime Minister of Great Britain until he was ousted by the schemes of Sir Benjamin Gladstone!
After one thunder-stroke, another:
After one lightning strike, another:
Gladiateur is not to run!
Gladiator can't run!
Is this, then, the old Britannic chivalry—the love of what the poet has proudly called “Greenwich Fair-Play”? Is this the entente cordiale? I survey Lord Ouiggins. He can scarcely meet my eye. He turns aside.
Is this, then, the old British chivalry—the love of what the poet has proudly called “Greenwich Fair-Play”? Is this the entente cordiale? I look at Lord Ouiggins. He can barely meet my gaze. He turns away.
Let us hope it is to blush!
Let’s hope it’s something to be embarrassed about!
He tries to defend the invidious exclusion. He pretends that in the Derby-Course the horses must not exceed a certain age; also that Gladiateur was at least quite sufficiently near that age when he did run. Puerile evasion! False pride of nationality!
He attempts to justify the unfair exclusion. He claims that in the Derby-Course, the horses can't be older than a certain age; he also says that Gladiateur was definitely close enough to that age when he did race. Ridiculous excuse! False sense of national pride!
What is to become of the money I have wagered?
What will happen to the money I bet?
Lord Ouiggins tells me to console myself. He has private information. He will not see a foreign gentleman wronged.
Lord Ouiggins tells me to comfort myself. He has insider information. He won't let a foreign gentleman be treated unfairly.
X. Les Nuits de Londres.
X. Nights in London.
We are inseparable.
We're inseparable.
Milord has backed a favourite to win him thousands of sterlings.
Milord has bet on a favorite to earn him thousands of pounds.
Curious, almost cynical nomenclature of the Turf!
Curious, almost cynical naming on the Turf!
246 The horse is named Ventre-Tambour, Bellydrum!!
246 The horse is called Ventre-Tambour, Bellydrum!!
He is assured to win; Milord dreamt, last night, that he saw him four lengths ahead at Tattenham-court-road Corner.
He is sure to win; Milord dreamed last night that he saw him four lengths ahead at Tattenham-court-road Corner.
I wager freely on Ventre-Tambour.
I bet freely on Ventre-Tambour.
Lord Ouiggins says we had better not go down to his baronial hall at Ouapping, but “make a night” and start early.
Lord Ouiggins advises us to skip visiting his baronial hall at Ouapping and instead “make a night” of it and head out early.
Ah, nights of London, you have not, effectively, stolen your reputation! What contrasts, fascinating but terrible—here, the noblesse, like Ouiggins quaffing champagne with visitors from France; and there the miserables, the Tom-Dick-Harries drinking gin—the blonde misses, casting aside the Puritanic pudor of the saloon, and dancing freely with foreign gentlemans at the Duke of Argyle’s Casino—what contrasts, but also, alas, what jealousies still existing, what internecine hatred still in rage!
Ah, nights of London, you definitely haven't lost your reputation! What fascinating yet terrible contrasts—there are the nobles, like Ouiggins, enjoying champagne with visitors from France; and then there are the less fortunate, the Tom-Dick-Harries, drinking gin—the blonde women, throwing off the Puritanical modesty of the bar, dancing openly with foreign gentlemen at the Duke of Argyle’s Casino—such contrasts, but sadly, what jealousies still remain, what deep-seated hatred still rages on!
That the English should hate the Irish is but natural.
That the English should dislike the Irish is only natural.
We always hate those whom we have wronged!
We always dislike those we've hurt!
It is less reasonable that they should continue to hate the children of Cambria, with whom they have been so long in friendly union.
It makes less sense for them to keep hating the children of Cambria, with whom they have been in friendly union for so long.
And yet, more than once during this exciting evening, I have heard Lord Ouiggins spoken of—my patrician pur sang—as a Welsher, with evident contempt.
And yet, more than once during this exciting evening, I've heard Lord Ouiggins referred to—my aristocratic pur sang—as a Welsher, with clear disdain.
Brutal antipathies unworthy of the century!
Brutal dislikes unworthy of this time!
They shall have no influence on the mind of a son of France.
They will have no impact on the mind of a son of France.
“Lord Ouilliam,” I exclaimed, “regard them not! Generous compatriot of Llewellyn, I pledge thee in another bumper to the victory of Ventre-Tambour!”
“Lord Ouilliam,” I shouted, “don't pay them any attention! Kind friend of Llewellyn, I toast to you with another drink for the victory of Ventre-Tambour!”
——:o:——
——:o:——
Realities of the Derby.
Reality of the Derby.
I. Selters waters, or S. and B?
I. Selters waters, or S. and B?
After Light, Shadow; after Pleasure, Pain; sad but inevitable oscillations of the pendulum of life!
After Light, Shadow; after Pleasure, Pain; sad but inevitable swings of the pendulum of life!
Alas, to wake—it is to remember, and to remember is to repent.
Alas, waking up means remembering, and remembering means feeling regret.
Last night, I banqueted with the merchant-princes of London and with the ancient nobility of Wales; the leaders of the Fashion World, the Sport, the Turf, the boxers of the most renowned, the comics of the musical saloons—Lord Ouiggins signalised them all to me. Foaming, sparkling, vivacious, the wines of Champagne led the way for the stronger Grogs. A vision, confused indeed, but magnificent in its confusion, will long recall to me the night before the Derby.
Last night, I had dinner with the wealthy merchants of London and the old nobility of Wales; the top figures in Fashion, Sports, Horse Racing, the most famous boxers, and the comedians from the musical theaters—Lord Ouiggins introduced them all to me. Bubbly, sparkling, lively, the Champagne wines kicked things off before the stronger drinks. A blurry but amazing vision will always remind me of the night before the Derby.
I awoke.
I woke up.
Sad and supreme moment of mortality when awakening means isolation!
Sad and powerful moment of mortality when waking up means being alone!
For some time, I knew not where I found myself. Presently, as the dim light of the dawn penetrated, first through the folds of the fog, and next through the dirt of the windows, I recollected that Lord Ouiggins had advised me to stay with him at a fashionable hotel, adding that his own drag would call for us in the morning.
For a while, I had no idea where I was. Then, as the soft light of dawn started to break through the fog and the grime on the windows, I remembered that Lord Ouiggins had suggested I stay with him at a trendy hotel, mentioning that his own car would pick us up in the morning.
It was still of a good hour. I turned myself to sleep; but heard, with dreamy ears, the fall—or so it seemed—of cataracts of rain, around me, beside me, overhead. The sound gave me a strange sensation of thirst, which I cannot otherwise explain.
It was still a good hour. I tried to sleep, but I heard, with drowsy ears, the rush—or so it felt—of heavy rain, around me, beside me, above me. The sound gave me a weird feeling of thirst that I can't explain.
Instinctively, I rang the bell, and shouted “Selters! Selters! Selters!”
Instinctively, I rang the bell and shouted, "Selters! Selters! Selters!"
A tap at my door; and Lord Ouilliam, in half-toilette, appeared. I saluted him.
A knock at my door, and Lord Ouilliam, partially dressed, walked in. I greeted him.
“Is it that the rain will make to be deferred the Courses?”
“Will the rain cause the courses to be postponed?”
“What rain?”
“What rain?”
“Listen, then!”
"Listen up!"
“That? Why, it’s only the men tubbing!” (Idiom untranslatable.)
“That? Oh, it's just the guys taking a bath!” (Idiom untranslatable.)
“What did you ring for?” pursued Lord Ouilliam.
“What did you call for?” asked Lord Ouilliam.
“But, for Selters then!”
"But, for Selters then!"
“Tout droit.” he rejoined. “Vous etiez horriblement coupé, mon ami; bien roide!”
“Straight ahead.” he replied. “You were terribly cut up, my friend; very stiff!”
Strange and picturesque argot of intoxication: “awfully cut,” “very tight.”
Strange and colorful slang of intoxication: “really messed up,” “super high.”
“Listen,” continued Milord, “My carriage is not yet arrived. It has probably been stopped by the Thames Embankment, which is to run outside my park at Ouapping. Look you, I will take places for two, outside an omnibus. It is the usual plan amongst nobility. Admiral Rous will be one of us. You may easily know him by his wearing a white hat, a veil, and a flower in his button-hole. Meanwhile, better not have Selters. Try S. and B!”
“Listen,” continued Milord, “My carriage hasn’t arrived yet. It’s probably held up by the Thames Embankment, which is supposed to run outside my park at Ouapping. Here’s the deal: I’ll grab seats for two outside an omnibus. It’s the usual thing among the nobility. Admiral Rous will be with us. You can easily spot him by his white hat, veil, and flower in his buttonhole. In the meantime, it’s better not to get Selters. Try S. and B!”
Enigma, of which the solution—when it came—was far from disagreeable.
Enigma, whose solution—when it finally arrived—was quite pleasing.
II. Lux.
II. Lux.
The morning at first was dull and brumous. The spleen of Britannia seemed to possess me. I had atrocious pains in my head. Every noise bore upon my nerves. The very sight of food seemed to nauseate me.
The morning started off gray and gloomy. I felt like the mood of Britain was weighing me down. I had terrible headaches. Every sound irritated my nerves. Just looking at food made me feel sick.
Lord Ouiggins, on the contrary, made a breakfast of the most substantial.
Lord Ouiggins, on the other hand, had a hearty breakfast.
I cannot say much in favour of the cuisine at this fashionable hotel, one of the first in London, the well-known “Spotted Dog” in the aristocratic quarter. Route de la Chapelle Blanche (White-Chapel-road), the Faubourg St. Germain of London. Strange: the hotel is not mentioned in any of the ordinary London Guides.
I can’t say much about the food at this trendy hotel, one of the first in London, the famous “Spotted Dog” in the upscale area. Route de la Chapelle Blanche (White-Chapel-road), the Faubourg St. Germain of London. It’s odd: the hotel isn’t listed in any of the usual London guides.
We take our places. The best seat is reserved for the Admiral—that famous old warrior, who turned the fortune of the day at Chillianwallah by his historical charge at the head of the Naval Reserve and the Royal Horse Marines. Combination eccentric, but not without precedent. The horse was sacred to Neptunus. This Rous, see you, this Admiral so passionately equine in his tastes, he is Jean-Bart and he is also Murat; he is Kellermann and he is also La Pérouse! All the great men touch, and recognise one another!
We take our seats. The best spot is saved for the Admiral— that legendary old warrior who changed the course of the day at Chillianwallah with his famous charge leading the Naval Reserve and the Royal Horse Marines. An unusual mix, but there are examples of it in history. The horse was sacred to Neptune. This Rous, you see, this Admiral who is so passionately fond of horses, he is both Jean-Bart and Murat; he is also Kellermann and La Pérouse! All the great figures connect and acknowledge each other!
The light still brightens. Behold us then effectively departed!
The light keeps getting brighter. Look at us, we’ve really moved on!
Hourrah! Hep, hep, hep!
Hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!
Vive Ventre-Tambour!
Live Drum-Belly!
III. Nothing is Certain to Happen but that which is Unforeseen.
III. Nothing is certain to happen except for what is unexpected.
We have gone a few miles on our road, still through the streets of the fashionable quarter, to-day as democratic as the Faubourg St. Antoine, and crowded with other Derbyites, before we speak much to each other. Reserve characteristic of the oldest and proudest aristocracy on earth.
We’ve traveled a few miles on our road, still through the streets of the trendy area, which today is just as democratic as the Faubourg St. Antoine, and packed with other Derbyites, before we start talking much to one another. There’s a reserve typical of the oldest and proudest aristocracy on earth.
At length Lord Ouiggins whispers me—
At last, Lord Ouiggins whispers to me—
“I knew I had forgotten something. I’ve left my purse on the piano!”
“I knew I had forgotten something. I left my purse on the piano!”
For the moment I wished that I had done the same.
For now, I wished I had done the same.
Suspicion dishonouring and ignoble!
Suspicion is disgraceful and shameful!
IV. Si Jeunesse Savait.
IV. Si Jeunesse Savait.
Fog, obscurity, cold—yes, you will find them all in the climate of Great Britain; in England, in Scotland, in Ireland, and in the mountains of Wales, the cradle of Lord Ouilliam! It is true, but it is not the only verity. Great Britain also has her moments of fine weather. There are 247 no such trees in the world as the tall poplars of my own, my beautiful France—none planted in such mathematical, such symmetrical order, so methodical, logical, and straight. Nevertheless, Nature is infinite. Even the chestnuts, hawthorns, lilacs, and laburnums of the Surrey lanes are not absolutely offensive to the eye. To-day, also, Phœbus pierces. Lux!
Fog, murkiness, cold—yes, you’ll find all of that in the climate of Great Britain; in England, in Scotland, in Ireland, and in the mountains of Wales, the birthplace of Lord Ouilliam! It’s true, but that’s not the whole story. Great Britain also has its moments of beautiful weather. There are 247 no trees in the world like the tall poplars of my own, my beautiful France—none planted in such perfect, symmetrical order, so methodical, logical, and straight. Still, Nature is endless. Even the chestnuts, hawthorns, lilacs, and laburnums of the Surrey lanes aren’t entirely unpleasant to look at. Today, too, the sun shines bright. Lux!
There are no women in the world like those of Paris; but there is still a pleasant freshness in the faces of the young pensionaries who watch us, at times, over garden walls. To several of these, I kiss my hand. They smile in reply. Laugh, rosy daughters of Albion, laugh; for it is still day, and you are young—too young for reverie.
There are no women in the world like those of Paris; but there’s still a nice freshness in the faces of the young women in boarding houses who sometimes watch us over the garden walls. To a few of them, I blow a kiss. They smile back. Laugh, you rosy daughters of Albion, laugh; for it’s still daytime, and you are young—too young for daydreaming.
V. When Poverty becomes ironical, let Wealth take care.
V. When Poverty gets ironic, let Wealth handle it.
The old Britannic humour, as exhibited in Samuel Benjamin Jonson, in Jonathan Smith, and Dean Sydney Swift, is not absolutely extinct upon the road.
The old Britannic humor, as shown in Samuel Benjamin Jonson, Jonathan Swift, and Dean Sydney Swift, is not completely gone from the scene.
More than one little Arab of the highway shouts out to me, “I’ll have your hat!” Wild caprice of the imagination, playfully misrepresenting the probable eventualities of the future, and yet, at bottom, profound, almost terrible—a mockery, yes, but a menace—a jest, without doubt, but a threat also—the voice, grotesque but strident, of the Miserables.
More than one little Arab on the road shouts to me, “I’ll take your hat!” It’s wild imagination, playfully twisting what could happen in the future, and yet, underneath, it’s deep, almost frightening—a joke, yes, but also a warning—a jest, for sure, but a threat too—the loud, odd voice of the Misérables.
I impart the reflections to Lord Ouiggins. Alas, to what good? The pride of his class is too strong for him. His natural instincts are noble; but he is spoiled by the mephitic atmosphere of the Upper Chamber. With a laugh cold, sardonic, and glacial, he replies:—
I share my thoughts with Lord Ouiggins. But what's the point? His class pride is too overwhelming. He has noble instincts, but he's corrupted by the toxic environment of the Upper Chamber. With a laugh that's cold, sarcastic, and icy, he responses:—
“Throw the little beggar a copper, and let him go!”
“Give the little beggar a coin, and let him be on his way!”
He does not even, generous though he is, offer to provide the copper.
He doesn't even, generous as he is, offer to provide the copper.
Again, ignoble suspicion! I forget that he has left his purse on the piano!
Again, what a lowly suspicion! I forget that he left his wallet on the piano!
The Arab—delirious with joy—saved, perhaps, from starvation by the casual bounty of a foreign sportmans, would fain express his thanks. His emotion overpowers him. He staggers; horror, he falls! No! again! Gallant child of Poverty, the struggle is vain. Once more he wavers, he oscillates, he falls, and turning wildly head over heels, in the convulsion of his death agony, he disappears in a cloud of dust—doubtless to be driven over by the omnibuses of the haughty, and the phaetons of the Stock Exchange!
The Arab—overcome with joy—perhaps saved from starvation by the random generosity of a foreign sportsman, wants to express his gratitude. His emotions overwhelm him. He staggers; in horror, he collapses! No! Again! Brave child of Poverty, the struggle is futile. Once more he falters, he sways, he falls, and as he tumbles head over heels in the convulsion of his dying moments, he vanishes in a cloud of dust—likely to be run over by the buses of the arrogant and the carriages of the Stock Exchange!
Shocked, but masking my horror under the veil of a politeness a little cynical I say to Lord Ouiggins.
Shocked, but hiding my horror behind a somewhat cynical politeness, I say to Lord Ouiggins.
“And well, then, Milord, did you see what he did? and do you know what will be his fate?”
“And well, then, my lord, did you see what he did? And do you know what will happen to him?”
Question terrible!
Question sucks!
He does not even remove the cigar from his mouth, this impassive patrician, as he answers, with a laconism which lacerates, which vibrates on my nerves, which almost makes me bound.
He doesn't even take the cigar out of his mouth, this calm aristocrat, as he responds with a terse remark that cuts deep, gets under my skin, and nearly makes me jump.
“Yes; cart-wheel!”
“Yes; cartwheel!”
VI. London at Epsom.
VI. London at Epsom.
Dust, heat, emotion—all stimulate thirst.
Dust, heat, feelings—all spark thirst.
I soon forget the little Arab. There are plenty of others remaining! There are worse things in the world, too, than bottled stout. Lord Ouilliam tells me that none of the aristocracy now drink champagne in public. It excites a feeling of envy among the lower orders. On Derby’s Day, the populace gives the tone to the peerage.
I quickly forget about the little Arab. There are plenty of others left! There are worse things in the world than bottled stout. Lord Ouilliam tells me that none of the aristocrats drink champagne in public anymore. It creates feelings of envy among the lower classes. On Derby Day, the crowd sets the tone for the nobility.
The crowd; my faith, and what a crowd! There are two things in the world which a man never forgets: his first sight of the sea, and his first sight of the multitude on Epsom Downs!
The crowd; my faith, and what a crowd! There are two things in the world that a man never forgets: his first glimpse of the ocean, and his first view of the crowd on Epsom Downs!
What a sound, as of ocean! What infinite discords, subdued, by very force of number and of contradiction, into one sublime monotone! What minstrelsy, cosmopolitan and comprehensive—the audible expression of a Colonial System unparalleled in grandeur and extent! The Hindoo may think in his heart of the days when he fought for his country’s municipal freedom under the banner of Rammohun Roy and Nana Sahib; but look! Plaintively submissive, he strikes his tom-tom to amuse the destroyers of his race.
What a sound, like the ocean! What countless contradictions, softened by sheer numbers into one amazing monotone! What music, universal and all-encompassing—the audible representation of a Colonial System unmatched in scale and magnificence! The Hindu might reminisce about the days he fought for his country's local freedom under the banner of Rammohun Roy and Nana Sahib; but look! Sorrowfully resigned, he beats his tom-tom to entertain those who have come to destroy his people.
VII. Messieurs, faites votrejeu! Le jeu est fait!
VII. Gentlemen, place your bets! The bets are closed!
“Would you like to see the horses a little nearer?” says Lord Ouiggins. “You had better buy a couple of tickets for the Padwick.” I do so. The Padwick—so called of an eminent British sportmans—is an enclosed space in which the true connoisseurs survey the horses before they start. As I gaze at Ventre-Tambour, I can hardly refrain from shouting, amongst all these impassible patricians, “Hourrah! Hep, hep, hep!”
“Do you want to take a closer look at the horses?” says Lord Ouiggins. “You should get a couple of tickets for the Padwick.” I do. The Padwick—named after a famous British sportsman—is a fenced area where real enthusiasts check out the horses before they race. As I watch Ventre-Tambour, I can hardly stop myself from shouting, among all these stoic aristocrats, “Hooray! Hep, hep, hep!”
Lord Ouilliam Ouiggins comes to me, hurriedly, and whispers, “Hush, I have just got the straight tip from the Admiral himself. It’s a moral; and the horse at twenty-five to one! We must get on every sov. we have. There is barely time before they start. Quick.” I hand him my purse—not without a moment of hesitation—of which I am speedily ashamed.
Lord Ouilliam Ouiggins rushes over and whispers, “Hush, I just got the inside scoop from the Admiral himself. It’s a sure thing; and the odds for the horse are twenty-five to one! We need to bet every pound we have. There’s hardly any time before they take off. Hurry.” I hand him my purse—not without a moment of doubt—which I quickly regret.
VIII. Rien ne va plus.
VIII. No more bets.
A minute sometimes seems like hours. Fortune was in my grasp.
A minute can sometimes feel like hours. Luck was within my reach.
The interval of suspense was horrible; and yet its termination, when it did come, seemed abrupt, sudden, incredible.
The suspense was unbearable; and yet when it finally ended, it felt abrupt, sudden, and unbelievable.
I was still struggling with the crowd, when a hoarse sound suddenly rose like the roar of a tempest on a rocky coast—it rose, and rose, and grew stronger; I looked; I saw a wonderful white flash of faces as the heads of the multitude turned all, in one instant, one way; and my pulses seemed as though they would kill me with their throbbing as, with one voice, that innumerable assemblage cried—
I was still pushing through the crowd when a rough sound suddenly erupted like the roar of a storm on a rocky shore—it rose, and rose, and got louder; I looked and saw a dazzling flash of faces as the heads of the crowd turned all at once, in one instant, to stare in the same direction; my heart felt like it was going to burst from all the pounding as, in unison, that countless crowd yelled—
“They’re Off!”
“They're Off!”
IX. The Word of the Enigma.
IX. The Word of the Mystery.
They were indeed; and so was Lord Ouilliam Ouiggins of Ouapping!
They sure were; and so was Lord Ouilliam Ouiggins of Ouapping!
Anonymous, 1869.
Anonymous, 1869.
——:o:——
——:o:——
One-and-Three.
One-and-Three.
In 1874, Punch published a novel under the above title ascribed to “Fictor Nogo,” but which was popularly (and correctly) attributed to Mr. F. C. Burnand. Later on it was published in book form by Bradbury and Co. The fun is rather long drawn out, but Hugo’s style is admirably parodied. The following is an extract from the preface:—
In 1874, Punch released a novel titled as above, credited to “Fictor Nogo,” but widely (and correctly) recognized as the work of Mr. F. C. Burnand. It was later published in book form by Bradbury and Co. The humor is a bit stretched out, but Hugo’s style is brilliantly parodied. Below is an excerpt from the preface:—
Letter from M. Fictor Nogo (author of “Une-et-trois”) to our eminent translator:—“My Honourable Co-Labourer,—Your noble and glorious translation of my immortal work touches me profoundly. I felicitate London. London, in publishing a work of mine, draws to itself the attention of the civilised world. London swells with pride under the benignant sway of a Lord Mayor. The Lord Mayor crowns poets, glorifies literature. He decks you with turtle, and this does homage to 248 genius. You represent genius, for you represent me. Thus I am shadowed: for this I embrace you in spirit, You have co-mingled your ideas with mine. You and I, the Translator and the Translated, the Adapter and the Adapted, it is grand. More than grand—it is stupendous. More than stupendous—it is colossal.”
Letter from M. Fictor Nogo (author of “Une-et-trois”) to our esteemed translator:—“My Honorable Co-Laborer,—Your amazing and remarkable translation of my timeless work truly touches me. I congratulate London. By publishing my work, London attracts the attention of the civilized world. London beams with pride under the gracious leadership of a Lord Mayor. The Lord Mayor honors poets and elevates literature. He treats you to fine food, and this pays tribute to genius. You embody genius because you represent me. So, I am honored through you; I embrace you in spirit. You've blended your ideas with mine. You and I, the Translator and the Translated, the Adapter and the Adapted, it's magnificent. More than magnificent—it’s extraordinary. More than extraordinary—it’s massive.”
——:o:——
——:o:——
“Thirty-one.”
“31.”
(By the Author of “93,” “The History of a Grime,” &c., &c.)
(By the Author of “93,” “The History of a Crime,” &c., & c.)
Chapter I.—Searching.
Chapter 1.—Searching.
She was lost! In this world nothing is lost. It is only mislaid. She was Miss Lade: yet she was lost! Where was she? She was in London. London is in England. It is a great city—as large as Paris! It is as hard to discover a person in London as “to find a needle in a bottle of hay.” This is an English phrase. They bottle hay, and rack it, like wine! It is made into chaff. The people are fond of chaff. The Scotchman lives on oats, the Irishman on potatoes, the Englishman on chaff.
She was lost! In this world nothing is actually lost; it’s just misplaced. She was Miss Lade, and yet she was lost! Where was she? She was in London. London is in England. It’s a huge city—just as big as Paris! It’s as difficult to spot someone in London as “to find a needle in a haystack.” This is a common English saying. They store hay, just like they do with wine! It gets turned into chaff. People enjoy chaff. The Scotsman lives on oats, the Irishman on potatoes, and the Englishman on chaff.
Tom Harry sought her. He wanted to marry her! He hoped she also wanted Tom Harry. But he had lost her. He knew she was in London, therefore he was in London. He inquired of many. They gave him chaff. He could not find the needle in it. She was his needle. He was a Pole—an English naturalized Pole. He would stick at nothing to find her. They were true to each other as Needle and Pole! but were now as far apart as two Poles!
Tom Harry was looking for her. He wanted to marry her! He hoped she wanted him too. But he had lost her. He knew she was in London, so he was in London. He asked many people. They gave him nothing useful. He couldn't find the needle in the hay. She was his needle. He was a Pole—an English naturalized Pole. He wouldn’t stop at anything to find her. They were true to each other like a needle and a pole! but were now as far apart as two poles!
Chapter II.—Cum Grano Salis.
Chapter II.—With a Grain of Salt.
The world is always large. Society is small. But Tom Harry and Miss Lade were in the world. They were not in Society! He had to seek her out of Society. Endeavour to catch a globule of mercury in a drawer. It flies—it escapes—it separates into atoms—it joins again and rolls away—it is lost—it is found—it is never secured! It eludes you—it is a demon—a wild spirit that vanishes as you think you grasp it! So was Miss Lade to Tom Harry! He thought that he saw her—but she became invisible! He could not find her. She found herself—it was in furnished apartments!
The world is always big. Society is small. But Tom Harry and Miss Lade were out in the world. They weren't part of Society! He had to search for her outside of Society. Trying to catch a drop of mercury in a drawer is like a challenge. It flies away—it escapes—it breaks into tiny pieces—it comes together again and rolls off—it gets lost—it gets found—it can never be captured! It slips away—it’s like a demon—a wild spirit that disappears just as you think you've got it! That's how Miss Lade was to Tom Harry! He thought he saw her—but then she vanished! He couldn’t find her. She found herself—it was in furnished apartments!
Chapter III.—Arithmetic.
Chapter III.—Math.
He had a clue! But what was a clue in so wild a maze as the great London? In Paris the police would have found her, In London there were, at that time, no police. They were “reserved forces,” and had been called out in case of war! When so used there are no police. The authorities then make constables of the prisoners. It is a maxim of English law, “Set a thief to catch a thief.” But Miss Lade was not a thief—except that she had stolen the heart of Tom Harry! This was not a legal felony—therefore the police could not catch her! The clue was a piece of paper found in her room in Paris. On it was written the number “31” and “London.” That was all!
He had a clue! But what was a clue in such a chaotic place as the great London? In Paris, the police would have located her. In London at that time, there wasn't really a police force. They were “reserved forces” that had been called out in case of war! When that happened, there were no police. The authorities would then make constables out of the prisoners. It's a principle of English law, “Set a thief to catch a thief.” But Miss Lade wasn't a thief—except that she had stolen Tom Harry's heart! This wasn't a legal crime—so the police couldn't catch her! The clue was a piece of paper found in her room in Paris. It had the number “31” and “London” written on it. That was all!
Chapter IV.—Circumambient.
Chapter IV.—Surrounding.
How to find this number 31? That was the problem. Tom Harry had graduated at Oxford—not Cambridge. This was the error! A Cambridge man would have been able to calculate the probabilities, and obtained a result. Tom Harry had to discover her equation. She was X (an unknown quantity). He was A, but he was also—C (that is minus cash)! The postulate was that A - C + B = X. What was the B in the equation?—probably a book. What book?—decidedly a London directory! He bought one. It is a large book—a heavy one! He could not carry it—yet it was a necessary work of reference. Difficulties must be conquered. Man was made to overcome them! Tom Harry succeeded! He purchased a “single” perambulator—not a “double”—one they double up! The leaves of the directory were doubled down. Therefore the perambulator and the book were in accord! He wheel’d about his book. It was his child!—he had bought it! They allow this in England, where they sell wives at Smithfield! He found his way about. This child was his guide! Is not childhood the very best and purest guide to manhood? and does not manhood only lead us into a second childhood? But among all the numbers “thirty-one,” he had not found her! He was in a fog. She was mist. He was in a London fog! It was dark and thick as Erebus! But he could not see e’er a “bus.” They could not run; nor could he. He had lost Miss Lade—he had now lost himself? He asked a sweeper of crossings where was he? He was told that he was at the corner of the Park of Hyde! It was true.
How do you find this number 31? That was the problem. Tom Harry had graduated from Oxford—not Cambridge. This was the mistake! A Cambridge guy would have been able to calculate the probabilities and come up with a result. Tom Harry needed to figure out her equation. She was X (an unknown). He was A, but he was also—C (which means minus cash)! The equation was that A - C + B = X. What was the B in the equation?—probably a book. What book?—definitely a London directory! He bought one. It’s a big book—a heavy one! He couldn’t carry it—but it was a must-have reference. Challenges must be faced. Man was made to overcome them! Tom Harry succeeded! He bought a “single” stroller—not a “double”—the kind you can fold up! The pages of the directory were folded down. So, the stroller and the book matched! He wheeled around with his book. It was his baby!—he had bought it! They allow this in England, where they sell wives at Smithfield! He found his way around. This baby was his guide! Isn’t childhood the best and purest guide to adulthood? And doesn’t adulthood just lead us into a second childhood? But among all the numbers “thirty-one,” he still hadn't found her! He was lost in a fog. She was like mist. He was in a London fog! It was dark and thick as Erebus! But he couldn’t see a single “bus.” They couldn't run; nor could he. He had lost Miss Lade—had he now lost himself? He asked a crossing guard where he was. He was told he was at the corner of Hyde Park! It was true.
Chapter V.—What Happens is Always the Unforeseen.
Chapter V.—What Happens is Always the Unforeseen.
There are dark periods in the history of nations. It is the same with individuals. It was so with Tom Harry. He was at the Park of Hyde—at one corner of it! It was a place to hide in—hence the name. Was she hidden there? It was a natural thought. He would search it, and would find her! But how? He knew not the way! Here steps in Fate, which governs all things. It was a policeman! There were only two left of the reserves—one to guard the Tower, where the Queen resides; the other in charge of Constitution Hill, which is by the corner of Hyde Park. Under ordinary circumstances the police of London are not permitted to talk. They are only allowed to say, “Move on!” This is the Englishman’s watchword! The Americans have the same, in effect; they say, “Go ahead!” The policeman in charge of Constitution Hill was absolved from this rule by an Order in Council. It was an important office. The preservation of the Queen and Constitution (which is kept on the Hill named from it) is of the greatest national consequence. Therefore the policeman was a high official, and allowed to speak. Tom Harry addressed him, explaining his position and quest for Miss Lade. The policeman pointed to his collar and the figures on it, exclaimed—“I am number ‘31’! Miss Lade lodges with my wife!” The clue was right! She was found!
There are dark times in the history of nations. The same goes for individuals. It was true for Tom Harry. He was at Hyde Park—at one corner of it! It was a place to hide—hence the name. Was she hiding there? It was a reasonable thought. He would search for her and would find her! But how? He didn’t know the way! Here comes Fate, which controls everything. It was a policeman! There were only two left from the reserves—one to guard the Tower, where the Queen lives; the other in charge of Constitution Hill, which is by the corner of Hyde Park. Normally, the police in London aren’t allowed to talk. They can only say, “Move on!” This is the Englishman’s motto! The Americans have a similar one; they say, “Go ahead!” The policeman in charge of Constitution Hill was exempt from this rule by an Order in Council. It was an important job. The safety of the Queen and the Constitution (which is maintained on the Hill named after it) is extremely important for the nation. Therefore, the policeman was a high-ranking official and allowed to speak. Tom Harry approached him, explaining his situation and his search for Miss Lade. The policeman pointed to his badge and the numbers on it, exclaimed—“I am number ‘31’! Miss Lade stays with my wife!” The clue was accurate! She was found!
Finis.
End.
C. H. Waring.
C. H. Waring.
Fun. August 14, 1878.
Fun. August 14, 1878.
——:o:——
——:o:——
In Bret Harte’s Sensation Novels Condensed there is an imitation of Victor Hugo, in ten chapters, entitled “Fantine.” The Prologue is as follows:—
In Bret Harte’s Sensation Novels Condensed, there's a take on Victor Hugo, in ten chapters, called “Fantine.” The Prologue is as follows:—
“As long as there shall exist three paradoxes—a moral Frenchman, a religious Atheist, and a believing sceptic—so long, in fact, as booksellers shall wait—say twenty-five years for a new gospel; so long as paper shall remain cheap and ink at three sous a bottle, I have no hesitation in saying that such books as these are not utterly profitless!
“As long as there are three paradoxes—a moral Frenchman, a religious Atheist, and a believing skeptic—there will be booksellers waiting—let’s say twenty-five years for a new gospel; as long as paper stays cheap and ink costs three sous a bottle, I’m confident in saying that books like these are not completely useless!”
Victor Hugo.”
Victor Hugo.
“Grinplaine, or the man who doesn’t laugh.” A serial burlesque of Victor Hugo’s “L’homme qui rit,” by Walter Parke, appeared in Funny Folks, 1875.
“Grinplaine, or the man who doesn’t laugh.” A series of comedic sketches based on Victor Hugo’s “L’homme qui rit,” by Walter Parke, was published in Funny Folks, 1875.
——:o:——
——:o:——
The House that Victor Built.
The House Victor Built.
On January 24, 1885, the following announcement appeared in Punch:—
On January 24, 1885, the following announcement appeared in Punch:—
It being reported that Victor Hugo has just purchased for the sum of £13,000 a piece of land in the immediate vicinity of his present abode, with a view of building on it an entirely new house “of his own designing,” the following extract from a preliminary letter of instructions to the contractor who has undertaken the work will be read with interest.
It’s reported that Victor Hugo has just bought a piece of land near his current home for £13,000, intending to build a completely new house “designed by him.” The following excerpt from an initial letter of instructions to the contractor who is taking on the project will be of interest.
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Understood! Please provide the text you want me to modernize.
“You will ask me whether I am an Architect; and I reply to you, ‘An Architect is one who constructs.’ Do I construct? Yes. What? Never mind; let us proceed. To construct a house you require a basement. This is the language of the Contractor. But the Poet meets him with a rejoinder. A basement is a prison, and Liberty can not breathe through a grating. This was the case at the Bastille! What has been done at the Bastille does not repeat itself. What then? You will commence the house on the first floor.”
“You might ask me if I'm an Architect, and I'll tell you, ‘An Architect is someone who builds.’ Do I build? Yes. What do I build? It doesn’t matter; let’s move on. To build a house, you need a foundation. That’s the contractor’s language. But the Poet counters him. A foundation is a cage, and Freedom can’t breathe through bars. This was true at the Bastille! What happened at the Bastille doesn’t happen again. So what now? You’ll start the house on the first floor.”
Does this stagger the Architect? Unquestionably! Yet to commence a house on the first-floor is easy enough. To the Contractor? No. To the Poet? Yes. How? By a flight. Two flights will take anyone somewhere. Upstairs? Yes. Downstairs? Certainly! In my lady’s chamber? Why not? This is a phenomenon, and surprises you. Just now you were on the stare. Now you are on the first-floor landing. Therefore, you have taken a rise. Out of whom—the Architect? Possibly. Let us resume.
Does this shock the Architect? Absolutely! But starting a house on the first floor is pretty simple. For the Contractor? No. For the Poet? Yes. How? By a flight of stairs. Two flights will get anyone somewhere. Upstairs? Yes. Downstairs? Definitely! In my lady's room? Why not? This is a phenomenon and it's surprising. Just a moment ago you were on the stairs. Now you’re on the first-floor landing. So, you’ve made some progress. Out of whom—the Architect? Maybe. Let’s continue.
And now for the drawing-room.
And now for the living room.
This will be colossal. Why? Because the furniture in it will be stupendous. To talk of stupendous furniture is to suggest the opening scene of a Pantomime. A big head! Whose? No matter. But you will inquire as to this furniture. You will probably say, ‘Will there be chairs?’ No. ‘Arm-chairs?’ Useless. ‘Sofas with six legs?’ A phantom! ‘What then? Canopied thrones for four-and-twenty, with one of a superior make and quality?’ Quite so. ‘Why?’ Because it is here that Genius, after dinner, will meet the Kings and Emperors that aspire to pay it homage. ‘Will there be windows?’ Rather—and there is this convenient thing besides—eight-and-forty balconies. You will say at once, ‘Two a-piece?’ But you will quickly add—‘What of the gardens beneath?’ To this there is only one answer possible—‘Fireworks!’
This will be massive. Why? Because the furniture in it will be amazing. Talking about amazing furniture is like setting the scene for a play. A big head! Whose? Doesn't matter. But you're curious about this furniture. You might ask, 'Will there be chairs?' No. 'Armchairs?' Useless. 'Sofas with six legs?' A fantasy! 'What then? Canopied thrones for twenty-four, with one of superior design and quality?' Exactly. 'Why?' Because this is where Genius, after dinner, will meet the Kings and Emperors who want to pay their respects. 'Will there be windows?' Definitely—and there’s something even better—forty-eight balconies. You might say right away, 'Two each?' But you'll soon add—'What about the gardens below?' To this, there’s only one answer possible—'Fireworks!'
Roman candles, rockets, and Bengal lights? No.—A set piece? Yes. Representing what? Somebody! Now there is this advantage about a set-piece that represents somebody—if carefully prepared, regardless of expense, and covering an area of 90 feet by 120. It may be permanent. Some one whispers ‘Advertisement.’ To this I make a supreme reply, ‘Fame!’
Roman candles, rockets, and Bengal lights? No.—A set piece? Yes. Representing what? Somebody! Now, there’s this advantage to a set piece that represents somebody—if it’s carefully prepared, no matter the cost, and it covers an area of 90 feet by 120. It can be permanent. Someone whispers "Advertisement." To this, I respond with a powerful answer, "Fame!"
And now let us pass to another room. Shall we put our foot in it? Yes. Why? Because it is the kitchen.
And now let's move on to another room. Should we step inside? Yes. Why? Because it's the kitchen.
——:o:——
——:o:——
The Spoiler of the Sea.
Sea Spoiler.
By Victor Hugo.
By Victor Hugo.
Chapter I. Gaillard was a wrecker, a smuggler. He was an honest man. Ships are the effect and cause of commerce. Commerce cheats, commerce adulterates, commerce is bad. To wreck ships engaged in knavery is good. Gaillard the smuggler robbed the revenue, you say; so do monarchs. You take off your hat to a king. I raise mine to Gaillard—to a man. You call me crazy. Keep your temper; I keep mine. You are an idiot. I should like to punch your head. Chapter II. Gaillard was considered ugly. He was not. He had a bump. A dromedary has a hump. The dromedary is beautiful. He had a squint—it is better to squint than to be blind. His eyes were green—that is the colour of Nature’s beauteous sylvan dress. His mouth was extremely large—so is that of the hippopotamus. The hippopotamus is a charming fellow. Gaillard had the beauty of the dromedary, the loveliness of Nature in his eyes, the charm of the hippopotamus. Gaillard was sublime. Chapter III. Gaillard sprang into the sea to bathe; this happened once a year. You will admit that once in three hundred and sixty-five days was not too often. An octopus—a devil fish—was watching him. Man and monster, they eyed each other. Gaillard trembled at its glance—he was not brave. I saw it once, and did not tremble; I am brave. It was at the Aquarium. The octopus has eight legs; Gaillard wished for eighty, but his two sufficed. Fear gave them the swiftness of two hundred. He ran. You would have run. Should I have done so? Everything is possible. It is possible I should have run.
Chapter I. Gaillard was a shipwrecking smuggler. He was also an honest man. Ships are both the result and the driving force of trade. Trade deceives, trade corrupts, trade is harmful. Wrecking ships involved in wrongdoing is justified. You say Gaillard the smuggler stole from the government; so do kings. You tip your hat to a monarch. I raise mine to Gaillard—to a real man. You think I’m crazy. Stay calm; I’m staying calm. You’re foolish. I’d love to knock your block off. Chapter II. Gaillard was seen as ugly. He wasn’t. He had a bump. A single-humped camel has a hump. The camel is beautiful. He had a squint—better to squint than to be blind. His eyes were green—that's the color of nature's lovely forest dress. His mouth was very large—just like a hippopotamus. The hippopotamus is a delightful creature. Gaillard had the charm of the camel, the beauty of nature in his eyes, the appeal of the hippopotamus. Gaillard was remarkable. Chapter III. Gaillard jumped into the sea for a swim; it happened once a year. You’d agree that once in 365 days isn’t too often. An octopus—a devil fish—was watching him. Man and monster stared at each other. Gaillard shook at its gaze—he wasn’t courageous. I saw it once and didn’t flinch; I am brave. It was at the Aquarium. The octopus has eight arms; Gaillard wished for eighty, but two were enough. Fear gave them the speed of two hundred. He ran. You would have run. Would I have done so? Anything is possible. It’s possible I would have run.
F. P. Delafond.
F. P. Delafond.
The Weekly Dispatch. September 13, 1885.
The Weekly Dispatch, September 13, 1885.
——:o:——
——:o:——
The Cat.
The Cat.
The cat is the concrete symbol of a vacillating politician.
The cat is a clear symbol of an indecisive politician.
It is always on the fence.
It's always up in the air.
It is the feline embodiment of one of the profoundest human principles wrenched from the circumambience of the Unknown, and hurled into the bosom of consciousness.
It is the cat made real, representing one of the deepest human principles pulled from the mystery of the Unknown and thrown into the heart of awareness.
Nine tailors make one man. The cat has nine times the life of one man, for it has nine lives. Possession, also, is nine points of the law. Behold a legal possession of existence equal to the span of eighty-one clothiers’ lives.
Nine tailors make one man. A cat has nine times the life of a person because it has nine lives. Ownership also counts as nine points of the law. Look at a legal claim to existence equal to the combined lifespan of eighty-one tailors.
Let us bow reverently before this august fact.
Let’s show respect for this important fact.
The wanderer by the midnight seashore, when the moon—that argent cornucopia of heaven—is streaming forth her flowers and fruits of radiance, and the illimitable is illuminated by the ineffable, will have remarked the phosphorescent ridges that scintillate along the billows’ tops, until the breakers seem to curve and snort like horses’ necks with manes of lightning clad.
The wanderer by the midnight seashore, when the moon—that bright horn of heaven—is shining down her flowers and fruits of light, and the endless ocean is lit up by the indescribable, will have noticed the glowing ridges that sparkle along the waves’ tops, until the crashing waves seem to curve and snort like horses with lightning-like manes.
So, O man, when in the darkness of thine own chamber, thou passeth thine hand along the furry spine of this feline phantom of the back yard, the electric sparks dart forth, and a flash of lightning fuses together the fingers and the fur.
So, man, when you’re in the darkness of your own room, you run your hand along the furry back of this cat from the backyard, electric sparks shoot out, and a flash of lightning connects your fingers with its fur.
Exquisite antithesis of Nature! The fireside embraces the ocean. The hearthstone is paved with seashells. The monsters of the deep disport, reflected in the glowing embers. The infinite Abroad is brought into amalgamation with the finite at Home.
Exquisite contrast of Nature! The fireside meets the ocean. The hearth is decorated with seashells. The creatures of the deep play, mirrored in the glowing embers. The endless world outside merges with the limited space at Home.
The ocean roars.
The ocean is roaring.
The cat only purrs.
The cat just purrs.
The billows rise and culminate and break.
The waves swell and peak and crash.
O impossible co-existence of uncontradictory contradictions!
O impossible coexistence of uncontradictory contradictions!
The duke of Wellington was pronounced the greatest captain of his age. Gen. Grant is pronounced the greatest captain of his.
The Duke of Wellington was declared the greatest commander of his time. General Grant is declared the greatest commander of his.
The greatest captain of any age was the captain with his whiskers.
The greatest captain of all time was the captain with his beard.
Let us not call this the tergiversation of history. Call it rather the tergiversation of nature.
Let’s not refer to this as the flip-flopping of history. Let’s consider it the flip-flopping of nature instead.
The whiskers of the captain.
The captain's whiskers.
The whiskers of the cat.
The cat's whiskers.
The hirsute exponent of martial supremacy. The feline symbolism of the Bearded Lady, crossing her claws before the family fire.
The hairy champion of martial dominance. The cat symbolism of the Bearded Lady, crossing her claws in front of the family fireplace.
Jealousy has been called the green-eyed monster.
Jealousy is often referred to as the green-eyed monster.
The cat is the green-eyed monster.
The cat is the green-eyed monster.
Both lie in wait. Neither destroys its victim without toying with it. One is the foe, the other the friend, of the fireside. Either is to be met with in almost every family. Each is of both sexes.
Both are lurking. Neither takes down its victim without playing with it first. One is the enemy, the other the companion, of the hearth. You can find either in almost every household. Each can be either male or female.
“Old Tom” gin, in excess, is one of man’s bitterest bibulous foes; man is the bitterest bibulous foe of old tom cats.
“Old Tom” gin, when consumed in excess, is one of man's most bitter drinking enemies; man is the most bitter drinking enemy of old tom cats.
Osculations between sky and earth! O lips of the Seen touching the lips of the Unseen! O wave of thought careering through the asymptotes of cloudland, crystalizing into angelic foci the tangents of humanity.
Oscillations between sky and earth! Oh, lips of the Seen touching the lips of the Unseen! Oh, wave of thought racing through the boundaries of cloudland, crystallizing into angelic points the tangents of humanity.
The stars are out at night.
The stars are out at night.
So are cats!
So are cats!
——:o:——
——:o:——
A MANIFESTO BY HICTOR VUGO
A Manifesto by Hictor Vugo
We live and move and have our being. By we I express civilisation, which consists first of Paris, then the world at large. We are born with generous instincts. We are naturally humane. I call upon the French Revolution of ’92-3 to prove this theory. We cannot all be Arabis. That would be too supreme a dream. But we can all admire him at a distance. Those horrible canaille the English have warred against a weak race of striplings, descendants of the glorious mummies. They have fought, and aided by the magnificent single-minded abstinent France have won. Mon dieu! Why was I not there? With one impassioned foot firmly planted on the escarpment of Tel-el-Kebir, I would have kept these British brutes at bay. I would have quoted one of my rhythmic poems, and they would have piled arms, awe-stricken and listened. Or, perhaps, these island savages in their ignorance, would have shot me. They are sufficiently unrefined for that. Ah! the thought is too dreadful. France, my beloved France, would in such a case have died also, for with me will perish all the ideas which go to make a great race—Adolphe, bring me a cigarette and a café noir. I would be calm.
We live, move, and exist. When I say "we," I mean civilization, which starts with Paris and then expands to the rest of the world. We're born with generous instincts. We're naturally kind-hearted. I refer to the French Revolution of ’92-3 to support this idea. Not everyone can be Arabis. That would be too lofty a dream. But we can all admire him from afar. Those dreadful canaille the English have fought against a weak group of young people, descendants of the glorious mummies. They have battled, and with the incredible single-mindedness of abstinent France, they’ve emerged victorious. Mon dieu! Why wasn't I there? With one passionate foot firmly planted on the escarpment of Tel-el-Kebir, I would have held those British brutes at bay. I would have recited one of my rhythmic poems, and they would have laid down their arms, awestruck and listening. Or maybe, those island savages, in their ignorance, would have shot me. They're crude enough for that. Ah! The thought is too terrible. France, my beloved France, would have died too, because with me would perish all the ideas that contribute to a great race—Adolphe, bring me a cigarette and a café noir. I would feel at ease.
The Ninety-nine Guardsmen.
The 99 Guardsmen.
By Alexandre Dumas.
By Alexandre Dumas.
This parody, which is to be found in Bret Harte’s Sensation Novels Condensed is an ingenious mixture of “The Three Musqueteers” and “The Vicomte de Bragelonne.”
This parody, found in Bret Harte’s Sensation Novels Condensed, is a clever blend of “The Three Musketeers” and “The Vicomte de Bragelonne.”
The second chapter is the best:—
The second chapter is the best:—
Chapter II.
Chapter II.
THE COMBAT.
THE FIGHT.
On leaving Provins the first musketeer proceeded to Nangis, where he was reinforced by thirty-three followers. The second musketeer, arriving at Nangis at the same moment, placed himself at the head of thirty-three more. The third guest of the landlord of Provins arrived at Nangis in time to assemble together thirty-three other musketeers.
On leaving Provins, the first musketeer headed to Nangis, where he was joined by thirty-three followers. The second musketeer arrived in Nangis at the same time and took command of another thirty-three. The third guest of the Provins innkeeper arrived in Nangis just in time to gather thirty-three more musketeers.
The first stranger led the troops of his Eminence.
The first stranger led the troops of his Eminence.
The second led the troops of the Queen.
The second commanded the Queen's troops.
The third led the troops of the King.
The third led the King’s troops.
The fight commenced. It raged terribly for seven hours. The first musketeer killed thirty of the Queen’s troops. The second musketeer killed thirty of the King’s troops. The third musketeer killed thirty of his Eminence’s troops.
The fight began. It went on fiercely for seven hours. The first musketeer took down thirty of the Queen’s soldiers. The second musketeer took down thirty of the King’s soldiers. The third musketeer took down thirty of his Eminence’s soldiers.
By this time it will be perceived the number of musketeers had been narrowed down to four on each side.
By this point, it will be clear that the number of musketeers has been reduced to four on each side.
Naturally the three principal warriors approached each other.
Naturally, the three main warriors moved closer to each other.
They simultaneously uttered a cry:
They shouted at the same time:
“Aramis!”
“Aramis!”
“Athos!”
“Athos!”
“D’Artagnan!”
“D'Artagnan!”
They fell into each others arms.
They fell into each other's arms.
“And it seems that we are fighting against each other, my children,” said the Count de la Fere, mournfully.
“And it seems that we are fighting against each other, my children,” said Count de la Fere, sadly.
“How singular!” exclaimed Aramis and D’Artagnan.
“How unique!” exclaimed Aramis and D’Artagnan.
“Let us stop this fratricidal warfare,” said Athos.
“Let’s end this brother-on-brother fighting,” said Athos.
“We will!” they exclaimed together.
"We will!" they said together.
“But how to disband our followers?” queried D’Artagnan.
“But how do we break up our followers?” asked D’Artagnan.
Aramis winked. They understood each other. “Let us cut ’em down!”
Aramis winked. They got each other. “Let’s take them out!”
They cut ’em down. Aramis killed three. D’Artagnan three. Athos three.
They took them down. Aramis killed three. D'Artagnan three. Athos three.
The friends again embraced. “How like old times!” said Aramis. “How touching!” exclaimed the serious and philosophic Count de la Fere.
The friends hugged again. “Just like old times!” said Aramis. “How moving!” exclaimed the serious and thoughtful Count de la Fere.
The galloping of hoofs caused them to withdraw from each other’s embraces. A gigantic figure rapidly approached.
The sound of galloping hooves made them pull away from each other’s embrace. A massive figure was quickly getting closer.
“The innkeeper of Provins!” they cried, drawing their swords.
“The innkeeper of Provins!” they shouted, pulling out their swords.
“Perigord, down with him!” shouted D’Artagnan.
“Perigord, get rid of him!” shouted D’Artagnan.
“Stay,” said Athos.
"Stay," Athos said.
The gigantic figure was beside them. He uttered a cry.
The huge figure was next to them. He let out a shout.
“Athos, Aramis, D’Artagnan!”
“Athos, Aramis, D'Artagnan!”
“Porthos!” exclaimed the astonished trio.
"Porthos!" exclaimed the surprised trio.
“The same.” They all fell in each other’s arms.
“The same.” They all hugged each other tightly.
The Count de la Fere slowly raised his hands to Heaven. “Bless you! Bless us, my children! However different our opinions may be in regard to politics, we have but one opinion in regard to our own merits. Where can you find a better man than Aramis?”
The Count de la Fere slowly raised his hands to Heaven. “Bless you! Bless us, my children! No matter how different our opinions might be about politics, we all agree on one thing: there’s no one better than Aramis!”
“Than Porthos?” said Aramis.
"Than Porthos?" Aramis asked.
“Than D’Artagnan?” said Porthos.
"Than D'Artagnan?" Porthos asked.
“Than Athos?” said D’Artagnan.
"Than Athos?" D’Artagnan asked.
——:o:——
——:o:——
Eugene Sue.
Eugène Sue.
Sir Brown: A mystery of London, by Mons. Dernier Sou. (Illustrated). See The Shilling Book of Beauty by Cuthbert Bede.
Sir Brown: A mystery of London, by Mons. Dernier Sou. (Illustrated). See The Shilling Book of Beauty by Cuthbert Bede.
This was translated, and published in London, 1846, by E. Appleyard, under the title The Parody of the Wandering Jew by Charles Philipon and Louis Huart.
This was translated and published in London in 1846 by E. Appleyard under the title The Parody of the Wandering Jew by Charles Philipon and Louis Huart.
The first four chapters contained some copies of the illustrations of Cham very badly executed, the other half of the book had no illustrations.
The first four chapters had some poorly done copies of Cham's illustrations, while the other half of the book had no illustrations at all.
IZAAK WALTON’S COMPLETE(LY) DONE ANGLER.
Izaak Walton's Complete Angler.
Ghost of Piscator. Ghost of Viator.
Ghost of Piscator. Ghost of Viator.
Viator. Whither away, Master? A good morning to you! I have stretched my legs to catch the train to Tottenham and here I find you with rod and basket, as of old.
Viator. Where are you headed, Master? Good morning to you! I've taken a walk to catch the train to Tottenham, and here I see you with your rod and basket, just like before.
Piscator. Faith, Scholar, I have even been too long an angler with Nero, in the lake of darkness, and would fain take a chub, Tottenham way, and see mine old haunts.
Piscator. Honestly, Scholar, I’ve spent way too long fishing with Nero in the dark waters, and I’d really like to catch a chub in Tottenham and revisit my old spots.
Viator. Then have with you, Master; and I do mind me of pretty Maudlin that hereabouts would sing us, “Come, Shepherds, deck your heads!”
Viator. Then come with us, Master; and I recall sweet Maudlin who would sing for us around here, “Come, Shepherds, deck your heads!”
Piscator. Ay, Scholar, methinks Maudlin was the Siren that led thee to the River Lea more than all my wisdom. But here we are got to Tottenham, and to the waterside.
Piscator. Yeah, Scholar, I feel like Maudlin was the Siren that guided you to the River Lea more than all my knowledge. But here we are at Tottenham, by the riverside.
Viator. Oh, oh, Master, what place is this, and what smell cometh to my nostrils? See, see, Master, here be no chub, but two dead dogs and one departed cat!
Viator. Oh, oh, Master, what place is this, and what smell is coming to my nose? Look, look, Master, there are no chubs here, but two dead dogs and one dead cat!
Piscator. In sooth, Scholar, the country seemeth strange, and no man may live, nor fish neither, hard by such an open sewer. Can this be the Lea! Nay, Scholars, this is no place for honest anglers more. But hither walks Corydon. Let us ask him what makes this blackness in the water, and the smell that abides here, as they say frankincense and myrrh do cling, more sweetly, to the shores of the blessed Arabia. What ho, Corydon, what cheer?
Piscator. Honestly, Scholar, the countryside looks bizarre, and no one can live, nor fish for that matter, next to such an open sewer. Can this really be the Lea? No, Scholars, this is no place for honest anglers anymore. But here comes Corydon. Let's ask him what causes this darkness in the water and the smell that lingers here, like frankincense and myrrh do more sweetly on the shores of blessed Arabia. Hey, Corydon, how’s it going?
Corydon.[54] Sir, the condition of the River Lea is something really fearful. From Tottenham downwards the water is a mere open sewer, emitting the most noxious exhalations. Boating and bathing have ceased, and the River is now only a danger to the neighbourhood.
Corydon.[54] Sir, the state of the River Lea is quite alarming. From Tottenham down, the water is just an open sewer, releasing the most toxic odors. Boating and swimming have stopped, and the River has become a threat to the local area.
Piscator. Say you so? And what maketh that it should be so?
Piscator. Is that so? And what makes it that way?
Corydon. Ah, Master, the drainage of Tottenham is turned bodily into the stream, and, in spite of Local Boards, the nuisance continues unaltered.
Corydon. Ah, Master, the drainage of Tottenham is fully redirected into the stream, and, despite the Local Boards, the nuisance remains unchanged.
Piscator. And why right they not this wrong; for, marry, the poor folk here will die, and a pestilence be bred, if ye live not more cleanly.
Piscator. And why shouldn’t they correct this wrong? Because, honestly, the poor people here will die, and a plague will spread if you don’t live more cleanly.
Corydon. Sir, no man knows this better than the Tottenham Authorities themselves, who cause a horrible, disgusting nuisance to the dwellers on the Lea. They simply sow disease broadcast among thousands of helpless people, to save the expenditure of a certain sum of money.
Corydon. Sir, no one understands this better than the Tottenham Authorities themselves, who create a terrible, disgusting nuisance for the people living along the Lea. They spread disease among thousands of vulnerable individuals just to avoid spending a certain amount of money.
Piscator. Penny wise, and pound foolish—penny wise, and pound foolish! Soon shall we have the Great Plague here again, and none to blame but the chuckled-headed “Authorities,” my Masters! Come away, Scholars, come away. The silver Lea is bedraggled. ’Tis no place for peaceful ghosts, that would be quiet, and go a-fishing.
Piscator. Careful with small things but reckless with big ones—careful with small things but reckless with big ones! Soon we’ll have the Great Plague here again, and the only ones to blame will be the clueless “Authorities,” my Masters! Come on, Scholars, let’s go. The silver Lea is a mess. It’s not a place for peaceful spirits who want to relax and go fishing.
[They vanish.
They disappear.
Punch. August, 15, 1885.
Punch. August 15, 1885.
The Incompleat Angler, after Master Isaak Walton, by F. C. Burnand, also appeared in Punch. It was afterwards published in book form by Bradbury Agnew & Co., London, in 1876, and again, with numerous illustrations by Harry Furniss, in 1887.
The Incompleat Angler, inspired by Master Isaak Walton, by F. C. Burnand, also appeared in Punch. It was later published as a book by Bradbury Agnew & Co., London, in 1876, and again in 1887, featuring many illustrations by Harry Furniss.
Walton’s Angler Imitated, in several Parts, another parody, appeared in Punch and Judy, London, 1869.
Walton’s Angler Imitated, in several parts, another parody, appeared in Punch and Judy, London, 1869.
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LORD LYTTON.
LORD LYTTON.
In Volume V. of this Collection, (p. 222) parodies upon Lord Lytton’s Poems and Plays were given, burlesques upon his prose works remain to be noted.
In Volume V. of this Collection, (p. 222) parodies of Lord Lytton’s Poems and Plays were presented, but burlesques of his prose works still need to be mentioned.
Praises of the Ideal, the Beautiful, the True, and the Virtuous, abound in Lord Lytton’s Novels, of which desirable qualities his own life and character were singularly destitute.
Praises of the Ideal, the Beautiful, the True, and the Virtuous are plentiful in Lord Lytton’s Novels, while his own life and character were notably lacking in those qualities.
Tennyson satirised him as a fop, whilst Thackeray treated him with well-merited ridicule and contempt, both in the “Epistles to the Literati,” and in “Novels by Eminent Hands.” The latter series originally appeared in Punch, and the parody of Lytton was entitled “George de Barnwell.” In this, a paltry thief and murderer was elevated into a hero, in much the same manner that Lytton had treated Eugene Aram.
Tennyson mocked him as a dandy, while Thackeray gave him well-deserved scorn and derision, both in the “Epistles to the Literati” and in “Novels by Eminent Hands.” The latter series first came out in Punch, and the parody of Lytton was called “George de Barnwell.” In this, a petty thief and murderer was glorified as a hero, much like how Lytton portrayed Eugene Aram.
It is quite unnecessary to give any extract from this well-known and accessible burlesque.
It’s totally unnecessary to provide any excerpt from this popular and easy-to-find parody.
In connection with Thackeray’s well-known burlesque criticism on The Sea Captain by Lord Lytton (p. 225. Vol. V.) it should be mentioned that when that play was reproduced at the Lyceum Theatre under the lessee-ship of Mr. E. T. Smith, a continuation of Thackeray’s criticism appeared in The Mask, London, November 1868.
In relation to Thackeray’s famous satirical critique of The Sea Captain by Lord Lytton (p. 225. Vol. V.), it should be noted that when the play was restaged at the Lyceum Theatre under Mr. E. T. Smith’s management, a follow-up to Thackeray’s critique was published in The Mask, London, November 1868.
In this Thackeray’s style and orthography were mimicked, and Mr. Bandmann, who took the part of the prating hero Vivyan, was severely criticised for his stagey acting.
In this, Thackeray’s style and spelling were imitated, and Mr. Bandmann, who played the talkative hero Vivyan, was harshly criticized for his overly theatrical performance.
The Sea Captain had been damned in 1839, and The Rightful Heir scarcely merited a better fate, but it gave rise to a splendid burlesque, The Frightful Hair, by F. C. Burnand produced at The Haymarket Theatre, in December 1868, with Compton, Kendal, and Miss Ione Burke in the Cast.
The Sea Captain was condemned in 1839, and The Rightful Heir hardly deserved a better outcome, but it inspired a fantastic parody, The Frightful Hair, by F. C. Burnand, which premiered at The Haymarket Theatre in December 1868, featuring Compton, Kendal, and Miss Ione Burke in the cast.
The Diamond Death.
The Diamond Death.
By Sir Pelham Little Bulwer, Bart.
By Sir Pelham Little Bulwer, Bart.
Alphonsine Fleury, modiste of Paris, determined that she should die. And, all things considered, it was hardly wonderful that the pretty little girl should come to such a conclusion. Poor child. Fickle woman! Thou hast hardly known Life these eighteen winters, and, yet, would’st be already toying with his brother Death! Die, then, child, if such be thy will. Facilis descensus Averni.
Alphonsine Fleury, milliner of Paris, decided that she should die. And, all things considered, it wasn't surprising that the pretty little girl came to such a conclusion. Poor child. Fickle woman! You’ve hardly known life these eighteen winters, and yet, you’re already flirting with his brother Death! Go ahead and die, then, if that’s what you want. Facilis descensus Averni.
Everybody must admit that she had reason. She called him her lover, that false and whiskered Jules, hero of the barricades, best polker at the Chaumière. And he had sworn to love her, and perhaps he meant it. For between Truth and Falsehood, there lies the Paradise of the 252 Purposeless (shrouded, as the Doric poets sing, in a sapphire cloud), and there are kept the vows which expire on earth for lack of the vivifying presence of the undying Earnest.
Everyone has to admit she had her reasons. She called him her lover, that fake and bearded Jules, the hero of the barricades, the best poker player at the Chaumière. And he had sworn to love her, and maybe he meant it. Because between Truth and Falsehood, there’s the Paradise of the 252 Purposefulness (wrapped, as the Doric poets say, in a sapphire cloud), and there are kept the promises that fade away on earth for lack of the life-giving presence of the everlasting Commitment.
Jules was false, and Alphonsine would die. But when one has decided on doing a thing, one has still to decide on the way of doing it. And in regard to dying, one ought really to be careful; because (so far as one sees) there is no way, if one does it awkwardly, of repairing the blunder. The Biggest can die but once. There ran the Seine, and the Pont-Neuf was toll-less, which was a consideration, as Alphonsine’s last sou had gone to purchase her last roll. But the Seine was so muddy, and then the Morgue, and its wet marble. The poor child shuddered at the thought. And the costume, too, for she was French, and, moreover, had instinctive delicacy. Clearly not the Seine.
Jules was fake, and Alphonsine would die. But once you decide to do something, you also have to decide how to do it. And when it comes to dying, you really should be careful; because (as far as anyone can see) there’s no way to fix the mistake if it’s done poorly. The Biggest can only die once. The Seine flowed by, and the Pont-Neuf didn't charge a toll, which was important since Alphonsine’s last coin had gone to buy her last roll. But the Seine was so muddy, and then there was the Morgue with its cold marble. The poor girl shuddered at the thought. And the outfit, too, because she was French and had an innate sense of delicacy. Clearly not the Seine.
The towers of Notre Dame. Better, certainly; and she would go rushing into the arms of Death, with a heart full of Victor Hugo, Peer of France. But no! Why, she had been quite ill going down one of the montagnes Russes at the last carnival, even though Jules had held her in the car. She would never be able to look down from the giant tower. Could it shake its grim head and hurl her quivering away, it might be done. But a leap thence! M. D. Lamartine himself never dreamed of such a Chute d’un ange.
The towers of Notre Dame. Definitely better; and she would run into the arms of Death, her heart filled with Victor Hugo, Peer of France. But no! After all, she had felt quite sick going down one of the montagnes Russes at the last carnival, even though Jules had held her in the car. She would never be able to look down from the giant tower. If it could shake its grim head and send her trembling away, maybe that could happen. But to leap from there! M. D. Lamartine himself never imagined such a Chute d’un ange.
Poison. But Jules had taken her to see Frederic Lemaitre, poisoned by la Dame de St. Tropez. His contortions under the arsenic—quel horreur! There would be nobody to see her make faces, certainly, but what of that? Is one to lose all self-respect because one is going to kill oneself? Alphonsine’s mind rejected the poison.
Poison. But Jules had taken her to see Frederic Lemaitre, poisoned by la Dame de St. Tropez. His contortions under the arsenic—quel horreur! There would be no one to see her make faces, sure, but so what? Should one lose all self-respect just because one is about to end their life? Alphonsine’s mind rejected the poison.
It should be charcoal. Certainly, charcoal. Alphonsine would die like a Countess who had betrayed her husband, gambled away her fortune, and found a pimple on her nose. It was a lady’s death; and Alphonsine, a skilful little milliner, had been among ladies until she had taken measure of their minds as well as of their waists. So she would leave the world gracefully, and comme il faut.
It should be charcoal. Definitely, charcoal. Alphonsine would die like a Countess who had betrayed her husband, lost her fortune in gambling, and found a pimple on her nose. It was a lady’s death; and Alphonsine, a talented little milliner, had been among women until she understood their thoughts as well as their measurements. So she would exit the world gracefully, and comme il faut.
Glow, thou ebon incense for the Altar of Doom; glow in thy little censer there beside her, in other days the lid of her saucepan. Glow, for there lies the poor child, Bride of Death, expectant of her Bridegroom. She has arrayed her mansarde so neatly, that, when the rough Commissaires de Police force the door, they will pause upon the threshold—perhaps touch their hats. And she lies with clasped hands, and upon her maiden bosom rests a daguerreotype of her faithless lover. Glow, dark charcoal, glow, and let thy fames waft her spirit from this cold world, to realms where Anteros smiles upon the True and the Beautiful.
Glow, you dark incense for the Altar of Doom; glow in your little censer next to her, once the lid of her pot. Glow, for there lies the poor child, Bride of Death, waiting for her Bridegroom. She has arranged her mansarde so neatly that, when the tough Commissaires de Police force the door, they will stop in the doorway—maybe even tip their hats. And she lies with her hands clasped, and on her youthful chest rests a daguerreotype of her unfaithful lover. Glow, dark charcoal, glow, and let your flames carry her spirit from this cold world to a place where Anteros smiles upon the True and the Beautiful.
She is dying. But, O kindly Mother of the Dead, thou sendest through the Portal of Ivory a gentle Dream. Through the closing eyes of Alphonsine that Dream looks forth, and its look falls upon that glowing censer, which glares like the eye of a Demon. Full into that Demon-eye looks the Dream, unscared, and what sees it there? Alphonsine dreams that a mighty and a pitying Voice hath come forth from the Treasure-house of Fate, and hath said unto that fiery charcoal, Be as thou wert wont to be.
She is dying. But, O kind Mother of the Dead, you send a gentle Dream through the Portal of Ivory. Through the closing eyes of Alphonsine, that Dream gazes out, and its gaze falls upon the glowing censer, which shines like the eye of a Demon. The Dream looks straight into that Demon-eye, unafraid, and what does it see there? Alphonsine dreams that a powerful and compassionate Voice has come from the Treasure-house of Fate, and has said to that fiery charcoal, Be the way you used to be..
The modest charcoal knows its Lord, and blushes. Then, suddenly paling its fires, they soften into crystal light; and as they subside, the charcoal glitters in its other and more glorious form, the Diamond! Countless treasures roll at the feet of the expiring Alphonsine. * * *
The humble charcoal knows its master and turns red. Then, suddenly cooling down, it transforms into a soft, crystal light; and as it dims, the charcoal sparkles in its other, more glorious form, the Diamond! Countless treasures lie at the feet of the fading Alphonsine. * * *
Expiring?—Oh, no! The world has rose-joy for her yet. Jules, repentant and terrified, has shattered her door, has dashed her window into air, has kicked her charcoal to earth: and as he restores her to life with cold water and warm kisses, he shows her a ticket for them both for to-night’s Bal Masqué.
Expiring?—Oh, no! The world still has joy for her. Jules, feeling guilty and scared, has broken down her door, smashed her window to pieces, and kicked her charcoal to the ground: and as he revives her with cold water and warm kisses, he shows her a ticket for both of them to tonight’s Bal Masqué.
Clouds and sunrays, ye are Life! But beyond, beyond, whirls and roars the dread Maelstrom of Inexplicability.
Clouds and sunlight, you are Life! But beyond, beyond, swirls and thunders the terrifying whirlpool of the Unexplainable.
The Puppet Showman’s Album. London. No date.
The Puppet Showman’s Album. London. No date.
The Dweller of the Threshold.
The Dweller of the Threshold.
By Sir Ed-d L-tt-n B-lw-r.
By Sir Edward Lyttelton-Belvoir.
BOOK I.
BOOK I.
The Promptings of the Ideal.
The Inspirations of the Ideal.
It was noon, Sir Edward had stepped from his brougham and was proceeding on foot down the Strand. He was dressed with his usual faultless taste, but in alighting from his vehicle his foot had slipped, and a small round disc of conglomerated soil, which instantly appeared on his high arched instep, marred the harmonious glitter of his boots. Sir Edward was fastidious. Casting his eyes around, at a little distance he perceived the stand of a youthful bootblack. Thither he sauntered, and carelessly placing his foot on the low stool, he waited the application of the polisher’s Art. “Tis true,” said Sir Edward to himself, yet half aloud, “the contact of the Foul and the Disgusting mars the general effect of the Shiny and the Beautiful—and yet, why am I here? I repeat it, calmly and deliberately—why am I here? Ha! Boy!”
It was noon, and Sir Edward had stepped out of his carriage, walking down the Strand. He was dressed with his usual flawless style, but as he got out of the vehicle, his foot slipped, and a small round spot of mixed dirt instantly appeared on his high arched instep, ruining the perfect shine of his boots. Sir Edward was particular about his appearance. Looking around, he noticed a young shoe shiner not far off. He strolled over, casually placing his foot on the low stool, and waited for the polisher's skill to work on his shoe. "It's true," Sir Edward said to himself, almost out loud, "the presence of the Dirty and the Disgusting ruins the overall effect of the Shiny and the Beautiful—and yet, why am I here? I ask again, calmly and deliberately—why am I here? Hey! Kid!"
The Boy looked up—his dark Italian eyes glanced intelligently at the Philosopher, and, as with one hand he tossed back his glossy curls from his marble brow, and with the other he spread the equally glossy Day and Martin over the Baronet’s boot, he answered in deep rich tones: “The Ideal is subjective to the Real. The exercise of apperception gives a distinctiveness to idiocracy, which is, however, subject to the limits of Me. You are an admirer of the Beautiful, sir. You wish your boots blacked. The Beautiful is attainable by means of the Coin.”
The boy looked up—his dark Italian eyes sparkled with intelligence as he glanced at the philosopher. With one hand, he pushed back his shiny curls from his smooth forehead, and with the other, he applied the equally shiny Day and Martin to the Baronet’s boot, responding in a deep, rich voice: “The Ideal is subjective to the Real. The act of perception gives uniqueness to foolishness, which is, however, limited by Me. You appreciate beauty, sir. You want your boots polished. Beauty can be achieved through money.”
“Ah,” said Sir Edward thoughtfully, gazing upon the almost supernal beauty of the Child before him; “you speak well. You have read Kant.”
“Ah,” said Sir Edward thoughtfully, looking at the almost heavenly beauty of the Child in front of him; “you express yourself well. You’ve read Kant.”
The Boy blushed deeply. He drew a copy of Kant from his bosom, but in his confusion several other volumes dropped from his bosom on the ground. The Baronet picked them up.
The boy blushed deeply. He pulled a copy of Kant from his chest, but in his confusion, several other books fell out onto the ground. The baronet picked them up.
“Ah!” said the Philosopher, “what’s this? Cicero’s De Senectute, and at your age, too? Martial’s Epigrams, Cæsar’s Commentaries. What! a classical scholar?”
“Ah!” said the Philosopher, “what’s this? Cicero’s De Senectute, and at your age, too? Martial’s Epigrams, Cæsar’s Commentaries. What! a classical scholar?”
“E pluribus Unum. Nux vomica. Nil desperandum. Nihil fit!” said the Boy, enthusiastically. The Philosopher gazed at the Child. A strange presence seemed to transfuse and possess him. Over the brow of the Boy glittered the pale nimbus of the Student.
"Out of many, one. Strychnine. Don't lose hope. Nothing is happening!" said the Boy, excitedly. The Philosopher looked at the Child. An odd aura seemed to fill and envelop him. A faint halo of the Student shone above the Boy's brow.
“Ah, and Schiller’s Robbers too?” queried the Philosopher.
“Ah, and Schiller’s Robbers too?” asked the Philosopher.
“Das ist ausgespielt,” said the Boy modestly.
"That's old news," said the Boy modestly.
“Then you have read my translation of Schiller’s Ballads?” continued the Baronet, with some show of interest.
“Then you’ve read my translation of Schiller’s Ballads?” the Baronet continued, sounding somewhat interested.
“I have, and infinitely prefer them to the original,” said the Boy with intellectual warmth. “You have shown how in Actual life we strive for a Goal we cannot reach; how in the Ideal the Goal is attainable, and there effort is victory. You have given us the Antithesis which is a key to the Remainder, and constantly balances before us the conditions of the Actual and the privileges of the Ideal.”
“I have, and I definitely prefer them to the original,” said the Boy with enthusiasm. “You’ve demonstrated how in real life we aim for a goal that always seems out of reach; meanwhile, in the realm of the Ideal, that goal is actually achievable, and effort leads to success. You’ve provided us with the contrast that serves as a key to understanding the whole picture, constantly reminding us of the challenges of reality and the benefits of idealism.”
“My very words,” said the Baronet; “wonderful, wonderful!” and he gazed fondly at the Italian boy, who again resumed his menial employment. Alas! the wings of the Ideal were folded. The Student had been absorbed in the Boy.
“My very words,” said the Baronet; “amazing, amazing!” and he looked affectionately at the Italian boy, who went back to his work. Unfortunately, the wings of the Ideal were closed. The Student had become completely focused on the Boy.
But Sir Edward’s boots were blacked, and he turned to depart. Placing his hand upon the clustering tendrils that surrounded the classic nob of the infant Italian, he said softly, like a strain of distant music:
But Sir Edward’s boots were polished, and he turned to leave. Putting his hand on the curling tendrils around the classic knob of the young Italian, he said softly, like a tune from far away:
“Boy, you have done well. Love the Good. Protect the Innocent. Provide for The Indigent. Respect the Philosopher.”... “Stay! Can you tell me what is The True, The Beautiful, The Innocent, The Virtuous?”
"Hey, you’ve done a great job. Love what’s good. Protect the innocent. Take care of those in need. Respect the thinkers."... "Wait! Can you tell me what is the true, the beautiful, the innocent, the virtuous?"
“Enough! Respect everything that commences with a capital letter! Respect Me!” and dropping a halfpenny in the hand of the Boy, he departed.
“Enough! Respect everything that starts with a capital letter! Respect Me!” and dropping a penny in the Boy's hand, he left.
The Boy gazed fixedly at the coin. A frightful and instantaneous change overspread his features. His noble brow was corrugated with baser lines of calculation. His black eye, serpent-like, glittered with suppressed passion. Dropping upon his hands and feet, he crawled to the curbstone and hissed after the retreating form of the Baronet, the single word:
The Boy stared intensely at the coin. A horrifying and instant transformation took over his face. His noble brow was creased with simpler lines of thought. His dark eye, like a snake, shone with repressed emotion. Dropping to his hands and knees, he crawled to the curb and hissed at the retreating figure of the Baronet, the single word:
“Bilk!”
"Bilk!"
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Sure! Please provide the short piece of text you'd like me to modernize.
There are three more Chapters of this amusing parody to be found in Bret Harte’s Sensation Novels Condensed.
There are three more chapters of this entertaining parody in Bret Harte’s Sensation Novels Condensed.
Another imitation of Lytton’s prose was published in The Individual November 8, 1836 (Cambridge), but it is not of sufficient interest to reprint.
Another imitation of Lytton’s prose was published in The Individual November 8, 1836 (Cambridge), but it is not interesting enough to reprint.
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LORD CHESTERFIELD.
LORD CHESTERFIELD.
Chesterfield Travestie; or School for Modern Manners. Anonymous. Dedicated to George Colman, whose name is incorrectly spelt “Coleman,” on the title page. London, Thomas Tegg, 1808.
Chesterfield Travestie; or School for Modern Manners. Anonymous. Dedicated to George Colman, whose name is incorrectly spelled “Coleman,” on the title page. London, Thomas Tegg, 1808.
This has ten Caricatures drawn by Rowlandson. A later and enlarged edition was published entitled Chesterfield Burlesqued.
This has ten caricatures created by Rowlandson. A later and expanded edition was published titled Chesterfield Burlesqued.
Lady Chesterfield’s Letters to her Daughter, by George Augustus Sala. London, Houlston and Wright, 1860.
Lady Chesterfield’s Letters to her Daughter, by George Augustus Sala. London, Houlston and Wright, 1860.
The first edition of this humorous, but rather lengthy burlesque (it consists of fourteen chapters), contains many excellent woodcuts by Phiz, and is now very scarce.
The first edition of this amusing, but somewhat lengthy burlesque (it has fourteen chapters), features many great woodcuts by Phiz, and is now quite rare.
Good Manners; or, the Art of being Agreeable.
Good Manners: The Art of Being Pleasant.
(Being Maxims and Extracts from Lord Jesterfield’s Letters.)[55]
(Being Maxims and Extracts from Lord Jesterfield’s Letters.)[55]
On Conversation.—The basis of all conversation is Flat Contradiction. The flatter and the stronger the contradiction, the more certain and secure is the basis on which the structure of Conversation is to rise.
On Conversation.—The foundation of all conversation is straightforward contradiction. The more direct and intense the contradiction, the more solid and reliable the foundation for building the structure of conversation.
Where there is no contradiction, “nothing more need be said,” and consequently there and then is an end of all conversation.
Where there’s no disagreement, “nothing more needs to be said,” and that’s the end of the conversation right there.
The word conversation in itself expresses and implies an assertion of a fact and a denial. It is compounded of two Latin words, “verso” to turn, and “con” together, and means, therefore, two people turning together, or having “a turn at one another,” or a “set-to.” Were everybody to agree with everybody else, it is evident that there would be no matter for discussion, and, therefore, no real conversation.
The word conversation itself expresses and implies both an assertion of a fact and a denial. It comes from two Latin words, “verso” meaning to turn, and “con” meaning together, which means two people turning together or taking “a turn at one another,” or having a “set-to.” If everyone agreed with everyone else, it’s clear there would be no topic for discussion and, therefore, no real conversation.
Persons in love, who are, for the time being, in perfect agreement with each other, never converse. They can’t. It is from this universally-observed fact that in every language may be found the significant proverb, “Silence gives consent,” i.e., where all agree there is, as we have said, no conversation.
People in love, who are currently in perfect agreement with each other, never talk. They can’t. This well-known truth is why every language has the saying, “Silence gives consent,” i.e., when everyone agrees, as we mentioned, there is no conversation.
A knowledge of Human Nature is absolutely necessary for the cultivation of good manners, and for getting oneself generally liked in all sorts and varieties of Society.—This is an extensive subject, but its study will well repay the most attentive perusal:—
Understanding human nature is essential for developing good manners and for being well-liked in all types of social situations.—This is a broad topic, but studying it will be worth the time for anyone who pays close attention to it:—
Rules and Advice.—In whatever society you may be, a moderate share of penetration will enable you to find out everybody’s weak points. You may not hit upon them all at once, but make your own private list, and then try them all round. Enter any room as though you were a general practitioner called in to pronounce on everybody’s ailments. You do not want to see their tongues, but only hear how they use them. You can feel the pulse of each one discreetly.
Rules and Advice.—In any society you find yourself in, a good amount of insight will help you discover everyone’s weaknesses. You might not notice all of them at once, but keep your own private list and try out your observations. Walk into any room like a doctor who’s been called in to assess everyone’s issues. You don’t need to see their tongues, just listen to how they speak. You can discreetly gauge each person’s vibe.
How to make yourself Agreeable with a Nouveau Riche.—Be playfully familiar. Lower yourself to his level; so as not to appear proud of your superior birth and training. Ascertain how he made his money, what was his origin; and, if unable to discover what he sprang from, you can make a safe guess in supposing him to have been a scavenger, a dustman, or as boy engaged in sweeping out an office (many illustrious men who have discharged the highest offices, may have themselves been discharged from the lowest offices for not having kept them clean and tidy), and on this supposition you can at once address him, and proceed to compare his former state of abject poverty with his present apparently inexhaustible wealth, a subject that must afford him the greatest possible pleasure, especially in a mixed company.
How to make yourself agreeable to a Nouveau Riche.—Be playfully familiar. Lower yourself to his level so you don't come off as arrogant about your better background and education. Find out how he made his money and what his origins are; if you can’t figure out where he comes from, you might safely guess that he was a garbage collector, a trash man, or a boy who cleaned out an office (many notable people who have held high positions may have been let go from lower ones for not keeping them clean and tidy). Based on this assumption, you can immediately start a conversation with him and compare his past life of poverty to his current seemingly infinite wealth—a topic that is sure to give him a lot of joy, especially in a mixed group.
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Understood. Please provide the text you would like me to modernize.
Punch. April 26, 1884.
Punch. April 26, 1884.
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THOMAS DE QUINCEY.
THOMAS DE QUINCEY.
His extraordinary work The Confessions of an English Opium-Eater published in 1822, (having originally appeared in the London Magazine), was the subject of an exceedingly clever parody in Blackwood for December, 1856, attributed to the pen of Sir E. G. Hamley.
His remarkable work The Confessions of an English Opium-Eater published in 1822, (which first appeared in the London Magazine), was the subject of a highly clever parody in Blackwood for December 1856, credited to Sir E. G. Hamley.
254 “A Recent Confession of an Opium-Eater” tells how the O.E., somewhere about the year 1828, found himself in the sixteenth storey of a house in the old town of Edinburgh in company with three most unprepossessing personages, one of the feminine gender. He is at first disposed to entertain a favourable opinion of the intellectual status of his entertainers by the sympathising reception accorded to some appreciative remarks offered by him on the greatness of Burke, but afterwards sees reason to question whether their Burke and his were the same person. By-and-by it becomes apparent that his companions are intent upon drugging him. The idea of anyone presuming to hocus the opium-eater tickles his fancy immensely; he enters into the joke, toasts his hosts in laudanum, and obliges them to respond, and in due time has them all under the table. As he goes down-stairs, a little misadventure occurs with a candle, and by next morning the sixteen storeys and the occupants have entirely disappeared. The style of the parody is excellent, a compound of the Opium-Eater and “Murder considered as one of the Fine Arts.”
254 “A Recent Confession of an Opium-Eater” describes how the O.E., around 1828, found himself on the sixteenth floor of a building in old Edinburgh with three rather unpleasant people, one of whom was a woman. Initially, he feels positive about his hosts' intellect when they warmly received his comments on the greatness of Burke, but he soon starts to wonder if they were even talking about the same Burke. Gradually, it becomes clear that his companions plan to drug him. The thought of anyone trying to outsmart the opium-eater amuses him greatly; he plays along, toasts to his hosts with laudanum, and makes them toast back, eventually getting them all drunk. When he heads downstairs, a small mishap with a candle occurs, and by the next morning, both the sixteen floors and the people are completely gone. The parody's style is superb, combining elements of the Opium-Eater and “Murder Considered as One of the Fine Arts.”
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LADY MORGAN.
LADY MORGAN.
As a specimen of her eccentric style take the following passage from “The Wild Irish Girl:” “I was chez moi, inhaling the odeur musquée of my scented boudoir, when the Prince de Z—— entered. He found me in my demi-toilette blasée sur tout, and pensively engaged in solitary conjugation of the verb s’ennuyer, and, though he had never been one of my habitués, or by any means des nôtres, I was not disinclined, at this moment of délassement, to glide with him into the crocchio ristretto of familiar chat.” The above has been done into French by M. H. Cocheris in the following style: “J’etais at home, aspirant la musky smell de mon private room lorsque le Prince Z—— entra. Il me trouva en simple dress, fatigued with everything, tristement occupée à conjuguer le verbe to be weary, et quoique je ne l’eusse jamais compté au nombre de mes intimates, et qu’il n’etait, en aucune façon, of our set, j’etais assez disposée à entrer avec lui dans le crocchio ristretto d’une causerie familière.”
As an example of her unique style, consider this passage from “The Wild Irish Girl”: “I was chez moi, inhaling the musky scent of my scented boudoir, when the Prince de Z—— entered. He found me in my half-dress, jaded by everything, and pensively engaged in the solitary conjugation of the verb s’ennuyer. Although he had never been one of my regulars or in any way one of us, I was not averse, at this moment of relaxation, to glide with him into the crocchio ristretto of familiar conversation.” The above has been translated into French by M. H. Cocheris in this style: “J’etais at home, aspirant la musky smell de mon private room lorsque le Prince Z—— entra. Il me trouva en simple dress, fatigued with everything, tristement occupée à conjuguer le verbe to be weary, et quoique je ne l’eusse jamais compté au nombre de mes intimates, et qu’il n’etait, en aucune façon, of our set, j’etais assez disposée à entrer avec lui dans le crocchio ristretto d’une causerie familière.”
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ARCHIBALD FORBES.
Archie Forbes.
An American paper has the following amusing burlesque of Mr. Archibald Forbes’ style. Mr. Forbes is supposed to be replying to the toast of the English press. “Mr. Chairman—I am Mr. Archibald Forbes. I have been everywhere. I have done everything. I am a very smart fellow. I am not to be out-done. I know the Emperor of China. I know the King of the Cannibal Islands. I am intimately acquainted with the Grand Llama. I have lived with the Shah of Persia. I am the dearest friend of the Emperor of Russia.” The report comes abruptly to an end with the editorial remark. “Here our sorts of I’s gave out.”
An American newspaper has this funny parody of Mr. Archibald Forbes' style. Mr. Forbes is supposedly responding to the toast for the English press. “Mr. Chairman—I am Mr. Archibald Forbes. I’ve been everywhere. I’ve done everything. I’m a pretty clever guy. No one can outshine me. I know the Emperor of China. I know the King of the Cannibal Islands. I’m good friends with the Grand Llama. I’ve lived with the Shah of Persia. I’m the closest friend of the Emperor of Russia.” The report suddenly ends with the editorial comment, “Here our types of I’s ran out.”
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COOKERY BOOKS.
Cookbooks.
During the Crimean War, when there was a great outcry about the starving condition of our troops, and the utter breakdown of the Commissariat, the following parody on Mr. A. Soyer’s cookery book appeared in “Our Miscellany,” by Yates and Brough:—
During the Crimean War, when there was a huge uproar about the poor condition of our troops and the complete failure of the Commissariat, the following parody of Mr. A. Soyer’s cookbook was published in “Our Miscellany,” by Yates and Brough:—
Camp Cookery.
Camp Cooking.
By Alicksus Sawder
By Alicksus Sawder
To boil cabbage.—It is necessary to procure a cabbage. Wash in cold water; which, throw down a gutter, or outside a tent if no gutter be procurable. Be careful not to splash trousers, especially in frosty weather. Stick a two-pronged fork boldly into the cabbage (a bayonet will do equally well), and plunge it into a saucepan of water just at boiling point. When it has boiled for eight minutes, twenty-five seconds, throw eleven-fifteenths of a teaspoonful of salt into the water. Let the cabbage boil till it is thoroughly done. At that moment be on the watch to take it out of the saucepan (taking care to avert the face from the steam), and place in a vegetable dish. Put the cover on, and serve up with roast beef, ortolans, venison, pickled pork, or whatever may come handiest. An old helmet will supply the place of a saucepan. Cauliflowers may be cooked in the same manner; and, indeed, most things.
To boil cabbage.—First, get a cabbage. Wash it in cold water; if there’s a gutter, throw the water down it, or outside a tent if there’s none. Be careful not to splash your pants, especially in cold weather. Stick a two-pronged fork into the cabbage (a bayonet works too) and plunge it into a pot of water that’s just about boiling. After it’s been boiling for eight minutes and twenty-five seconds, add eleven-fifteenths of a teaspoon of salt to the water. Let the cabbage boil until it’s completely cooked. As soon as it’s done, watch carefully to take it out of the pot (making sure to turn your face away from the steam) and place it in a vegetable dish. Cover it and serve it with roast beef, ortolans, venison, pickled pork, or whatever is available. An old helmet can be used instead of a pot. You can cook cauliflowers in the same way; in fact, you can cook most things like this.
To fry Bacon.—Cut your bacon into long strips, or rashers. Wipe your frying-pan out with a coarse towel, or lining of old dressing-gown. Then place it gently (so as not to knock the bottom out) over a brisk fire. Place the rashers in, one by one. When they are done on one side, turn them over to do on the other. When they have attained a rich brown, take them out and arrange them on a dish, or slice of bread, or anything. Watch your rashers, so that the sentinel outside doesn’t get at them; and eat when you feel inclined. The gravy may be sopped up from the frying-pan with crumbs of bread. If only biscuit is to be obtained, use the fingers, which lick carefully. The rind may be preserved in the waistcoat pocket, for sucking while on duty.
How to Fry Bacon.—Cut your bacon into long strips or rashers. Wipe your frying pan with a coarse towel or an old bathrobe. Then place it gently (so you don’t damage the bottom) over a hot flame. Put in the rashers one by one. When they’re done on one side, flip them over to cook the other side. Once they reach a nice brown color, take them out and arrange them on a plate, or a piece of bread, or anything else. Keep an eye on your rashers, so no one else grabs them; eat when you’re ready. You can soak up the grease from the frying pan with pieces of bread. If you only have biscuits, use your fingers and lick them clean. Save the rind in your pocket for snacking on while you’re working.
Roast Potatoes.—Put your potatoes under the stove, and rake hot embers over them. While they are cooking get as much butter as the commissariat will allow you, and put it on a clean dish, or, a dirty one, with half a sheet of writing-paper on it (indeed, in an extreme case, the writing-paper will enable you to dispense with the dish altogether). Taste the butter, but don’t eat it all up till the potatoes are done. Great care will be required for the observance of the latter regulation. Cut the butter into dice of from six to seven-eighths of a cubic inch. When the potatoes are done, cut them open and insert a dice of butter in each, closing the potato rapidly to prevent evaporation. Eat with pepper and salt, or whatever you can get.
Roast Potatoes.—Put your potatoes under the stove and cover them with hot embers. While they're cooking, get as much butter as you can from the supply and place it on a clean dish, or a dirty one, with half a sheet of writing paper on it (in a pinch, the writing paper can replace the dish). Sample the butter, but don’t eat it all until the potatoes are ready. You’ll need to be careful to follow this rule. Cut the butter into cubes about six to seven-eighths of an inch. When the potatoes are cooked, cut them open and put a cube of butter inside each one, sealing them quickly to prevent steam from escaping. Enjoy with pepper and salt, or whatever you have.
Another Method.—If you can’t get any butter, do without it.
Another Method.—If you can't get any butter, just skip it.
Potatoes and Point.—This is a very popular dish in Ireland, and one which I have frequently partaken of in that country. The method of preparing it in the Crimea is as follows:—Boil a dish of potatoes, and serve up hot, with a watch-glass full of powdered salt. When they are ready for eating, point, with the fore-finger of the right hand, in a north-westerly direction, where the regions of beef are supposed to exist.
Potatoes and Point.—This is a very popular dish in Ireland, and one that I've often enjoyed while in that country. The way to prepare it in Crimea is as follows: Boil a plate of potatoes and serve them hot, with a shot glass full of powdered salt. When they are ready to eat, point with the index finger of your right hand in a north-westerly direction, where the land of beef is thought to be.
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Understood! Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize.
There was also an old parody, by Dr. King, on The Art of Cookery.
There was also an old parody by Dr. King on The Art of Cookery.
The Military Cookery-Book.
The Military Cookbook.
How to make a Recruit.—Take a raw lad from the country (the younger the better) and fill his head with military froth. Add a shilling and as much beer as will be covered by the bounty-money. Let him simmer, and serve him up thick before a Magistrate the next morning. Let him be sworn in, and he then will be nicely done.
How to make a Recruit.—Take a young guy from the countryside (the younger, the better) and fill his head with military nonsense. Add a pound and as much beer as the bounty can cover. Let him sit for a while, then present him before a Magistrate the next morning. Have him sworn in, and then he'll be all set.
How to make a Soldier.—Take your recruit, and thrust him roughly into a depôt. Mix him up well with recruits from other regiments until he has lost any esprit de corps which may have been floating upon the surface when he enlisted. Now let him lie idle for a few years until his 255 strength is exhausted, and then, at ten minutes’ notice, pack him off to India.
How to make a Soldier.—Grab your recruit and throw him roughly into a training center. Mix him up well with recruits from other units until he loses any esprit de corps that might have been there when he signed up. Now, let him sit around doing nothing for a few years until his 255 energy is drained, and then, with just ten minutes' notice, send him off to India.
Another Method.—Take your recruit, and place him at headquarters. Let him mix freely with all the bad characters that have been carefully kept in the regiment, until his nature has become assimilated to theirs. For three years pay him rather less than a ploughboy’s wages, and make him work rather harder than a costermonger’s donkey. Your soldier having now reached perfection, you will turn him out of the Service with Economical Dressing.
Another Method.—Take your recruit and position him at headquarters. Allow him to interact freely with all the troublemakers that have been deliberately kept in the regiment until he starts to adopt their behavior. For three years, pay him slightly less than a farm worker’s wages and make him work much harder than a street vendor's donkey. Now that your soldier has been fully trained, you will discharge him from the Service with Economical Dressing.
How to make a Deserter.—A very simple and popular dish. Take a soldier, see that he is perfectly free from any mark by which he may be identified, and fill his head with grievances. Now add a little opportunity, and you have, or, rather, you have not, your deserter.
How to make a Deserter.—A very simple and popular dish. Take a soldier, make sure he has no way of being recognized, and fill his mind with complaints. Now add a bit of opportunity, and you have, or rather, you don’t have, your deserter.
Another and Simpler Method.—Take a recruit, without inquiring into his antecedents. Give him his kit and bounty-money and close your eyes. The same recruit may be used for this dish (which will be found to be a fine military hash) any number of times.
Another and Simpler Method.—Take a new recruit, without looking into his background. Give him his gear and bonus money and look the other way. The same recruit can be used for this dish (which turns out to be a great military mix) as many times as needed.
How to make an Army.—Take a few scores of Infantry Regiments and carefully proceed to under-man them. Add some troopers without horses, and some batteries without guns. Throw in a number of unattached Generals, and serve up the whole with a plentiful supply of Control Mixture.
How to make an Army.—Take a few dozen Infantry Regiments and carefully under-staff them. Add some soldiers without horses and some artillery units without guns. Include a bunch of unattached Generals, and mix it all together with plenty of Control Mixture.
Another and Easier Method.—Get a little ink, a pen, and a sheet of paper. Now dip your pen in the ink, and with it trace figures upon your sheet of paper. The accompaniment to this dish is usually hot water.
Another and Easier Method.—Grab some ink, a pen, and a piece of paper. Now dip your pen in the ink and use it to draw shapes on your paper. The usual drink to go with this is hot water.
How to make a Panic.—Take one or two influential newspapers in the dead season of the year, and fill them with smartly written letters. Add a few pointed leading articles, and pull your Army into pieces. Let the whole simmer until the opening of Parliament. This once popular mess is now found to be rather insipid, unless it is produced nicely garnished with plenty of Continental sauce, mixed with just an idea of Invasion relish. With these zests, however, it is always found to be toothsome, although extremely expensive.
How to Create a Panic.—Choose one or two influential newspapers during the slow season of the year and fill them with cleverly written letters. Add a few sharp editorials, and watch your audience divide. Let everything simmer until Parliament opens. This once-popular tactic now seems quite bland unless it's presented with a good amount of Continental flair, mixed with a hint of invasion excitement. With these additions, however, it always turns out to be appealing, though very costly.
Punch. November 21, 1874.
Punch. November 21, 1874.
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Henry Labouchere and Edmund Yates.
Henry Labouchere and Edmund Yates.
It is customary for the Editors of Truth and The World to publish the latest on dits of Society, and each delights in contradicting the other on little matters of detail. This sport does not much interest the general public, but it appears to afford great amusement to the two Editors. Some of their paragraphs are scarcely less absurd than the following:—
It’s a tradition for the Editors of Truth and The World to share the latest gossip of Society, and they each take pleasure in opposing each other on small details. This game doesn’t really captivate the general public, but it seems to provide a lot of entertainment for the two Editors. Some of their paragraphs are hardly less ridiculous than the following:—
[“Henry” has promised that he will go and see “Edmund” in Holloway Prison.]
[“Henry” has promised that he will go visit “Edmund” at Holloway Prison.]
Extract I. (From “Truth.”)
Extract I. (From “Truth.”)
“I made a pilgrimage to Holloway Castle one day last week, and was pleased to find poor Edmund in excellent spirits. He was lounging in a handsomely upholstered chair from Gillow’s, while he smoked a capital Manilla.From “Truth.” In the course of our conversation, I learnt that it is his intention to publish a volume of ‘Prison Recollections’ when he again emerges into the outer world. Edmund has lost flesh, but is otherwise in his usual health.”
“I visited Holloway Castle one day last week and was happy to find poor Edmund in great spirits. He was relaxing in a beautifully upholstered chair from Gillow’s, enjoying a great Manilla.From “Truth.” During our conversation, I found out that he plans to publish a book of ‘Prison Recollections’ when he comes back to the outside world. Edmund has lost weight, but otherwise he’s in his usual health.”
Extract II. (From “The World.”)
Extract II. (From “The World.”)
“Really, Henry, I am getting quite tired of correcting your blunders. The chair in which you found me seated was supplied to me by Maple, whom I much prefer to Gillow. You have also put your foot in it about the cigar, which was an Intimidad and not a Manilla. Thirdly, I don’t intend to publish any ‘Prison Recollections;’ and as for my having lost flesh, that is pure rubbish. How can one lose flesh when one continues to feed as well as usual, and is at the same time obliged to drop one’s horse exercise in the Row?”
“Seriously, Henry, I’m getting pretty tired of fixing your mistakes. The chair you saw me sitting in was provided by Maple, who I definitely prefer over Gillow. You also messed up about the cigar, which was an Intimidad, not a Manilla. And I’m not planning to publish any ‘Prison Recollections.’ As for my losing weight, that’s complete nonsense. How can someone lose weight when they keep eating normally and also have to cut out their horse exercise in the Row?”
Extract III. (From “Truth.”)
Extract III. (From “Truth.”)
“I have always maintained that you are far too impetuous, Edmund. Perhaps you are correct about your not having lost flesh, though I could have sworn that I counted one chin less than usual upon your face. I may also have been in error regarding the ‘Recollections’ and the chair, but I cannot for a moment admit that your Manilla was an Intimidad. You are no judge of tobacco. I am, and the illustrated advertisement of Somebody’s cigarettes is sufficient proof of the fact.”
“I’ve always thought you’re way too impulsive, Edmund. You might be right about not losing weight, but I could have sworn I saw one less chin than usual on your face. I might also have been wrong about the ‘Recollections’ and the chair, but there’s no way I’m admitting that your Manilla was an Intimidad. You really don’t know anything about tobacco. I do, and the ad for Somebody’s cigarettes proves it.”
Extract IV. (From “The World.”)
Extract IV. (From “The World.”)
“Upon certain subjects, Henry, pig-headed ass is not the name for you. Don’t visit me again, please.”
“On certain topics, Henry, stubborn fool isn’t the right name for you. Please don’t come to see me again.”
Extract V. (From “Truth.”)
Extract V. (From “Truth.”)
“Catch me at it, my dear Edmund.”
“Catch me in the act, my dear Edmund.”
Funny Folks, January 31, 1885.
Funny Folks, January 31, 1885.
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The Real Little Lord Fauntleroy.
The Real Little Lord Fauntleroy.
A short parody, having the above title appeared in Punch, May 19, 1888, with an illustration by Linley Sambourne, representing Lord Randolph Churchill, and the Duke of Cambridge. At the time it appeared Lord Randolph was posing as an advocate of Retrenchment and Reform. That a member of the Marlborough family of national bloodsuckers should appear as the advocate of economy was a joke that was far too good to last, and Lord Randolph having remained in the cabinet long enough to earn a pension, found it convenient to resign.
A short parody with the above title appeared in Punch on May 19, 1888, featuring an illustration by Linley Sambourne, depicting Lord Randolph Churchill and the Duke of Cambridge. At the time, Lord Randolph was presenting himself as a supporter of budget cuts and reform. It was too ironic for a member of the Marlborough family, known for their privilege, to be an advocate for economy, and after serving in the cabinet long enough to secure a pension, Lord Randolph found it convenient to resign.
(An imaginary conversation. With apologies to Mrs. F. H. Burnett.)
(An imagined conversation. With apologies to Mrs. F. H. Burnett.)
And then the Duke looked up.
And then the Duke looked up.
What Little Grandolph saw was a portly old man, with scanty white hair and bushy whiskers, and a nose like a florid bulb between his prominent imperious eyes.
What Little Grandolph saw was a heavyset old man, with thin white hair and thick whiskers, and a nose like a bright bulb between his bold, commanding eyes.
What the Duke saw was a smart, small figure in a jaunt, suit, with a large collar, and with trim, accurately-parted locks curved carefully about the curiously canine little face whose equally protuberant eyes met his with a look of—well, perhaps the Duke would have found it difficult exactly to define the character of that look, but it combined in an emphatic way the interrogative and the ironical.
What the Duke saw was a sharp, small figure in a stylish suit, with a big collar, and with neat, perfectly parted hair that curved carefully around the oddly dog-like little face whose equally prominent eyes met his with a look of—well, the Duke might have found it hard to exactly define what that look meant, but it clearly combined a questioning tone with irony.
It was thought that Little Lord Fauntleroy was himself rather like a small copy of a grander and older original, and he himself was supposed to be well aware of the fact. But there was a sudden glow of emotion in the irascible old Duke’s face as he saw what a sturdy, self-confident little fellow Lord Fauntleroy was, and how unhesitatingly he stood to his guns in all circumstances. It moved the grim old nobleman that the youngster should show no shyness or fear, either of the situation or of himself.
It was believed that Little Lord Fauntleroy was like a smaller version of a more impressive and older original, and he was thought to be quite aware of this. However, the irritable old Duke's expression suddenly brightened with emotion as he noticed how strong and self-assured little Lord Fauntleroy was, and how confidently he stood his ground no matter the situation. It touched the stern old nobleman that the boy showed no signs of shyness or fear, whether regarding the situation or him.
“Are you the Duke?” he said. “I’m a Duke’s son, you see, and know something about such things. I’m Lord Grandolph Fauntleroy.”
“Are you the Duke?” he asked. “I’m the son of a Duke, you see, and I know a bit about these things. I’m Lord Grandolph Fauntleroy.”
“Glad to see me, are you?” said the Duke.
“Happy to see me, are you?” said the Duke.
“Yes,” answered Lord Fauntleroy, “very.”
“Yes,” replied Lord Fauntleroy, “definitely.”
There was a chair at the head of the table, and he sat down on it; it was a big chair, and, physically, he hardly filled it perhaps; but he seemed quite at his ease as he sat there, and regarded a Monarch’s august relative intently and confidently.
There was a chair at the head of the table, and he sat down in it; it was a large chair, and he barely seemed to fill it physically; but he looked completely comfortable as he sat there, watching a royal family member intently and with confidence.
“I’ve often wondered what a Commander-in-Chief would look like when being cross-examined,” he remarked. “I’ve wondered whether he’d be anything like my great ancestor of the Queen Anne epoch.”
“I’ve often thought about what a Commander-in-Chief would look like during a cross-examination,” he said. “I’ve wondered if he’d be anything like my great ancestor from the Queen Anne era.”
“Am I?” asked the Duke.
“Am I?” the Duke asked.
“Well,” Grandolph replied, “I’ve only seen pictures of him, of course, and I can’t exactly say how he would have looked in a similar case, but I don’t think you are much like him.”
“Well,” Grandolph replied, “I’ve only seen pictures of him, of course, and I can’t really say how he would have looked in a similar situation, but I don’t think you look much like him.”
“You are disappointed, I suppose?” suggested his august interlocutor.
“You’re disappointed, I guess?” suggested his esteemed conversation partner.
“Oh no!” replied Grandolph, politely. “Of course you would like any great military contemporary to look like your own illustrious ancestor; but of course you might admire the way your great military contemporary looked, even if he wasn’t like your illustrious ancestor. You know how it is yourself, about admiring your contemporaries.”
“Oh no!” Grandolph replied kindly. “Of course you’d want any great military leader of your time to resemble your own esteemed ancestor; but you could also appreciate how your great military contemporary looked, even if he wasn’t like your illustrious ancestor. You know how it is when it comes to admiring your peers.”
The Duke stared. He could hardly be said to know how it was about admiring his contemporaries, many of whom he didn’t admire at all, and some of whom did not altogether admire him.
The Duke stared. He could barely be said to know what it meant to admire his peers, many of whom he didn’t admire at all, and some of whom didn’t really admire him either.
“Well, and how’s our bit of an Army getting on?” asked little Lord Fauntleroy, airily.
“Well, how's our little Army doing?” asked little Lord Fauntleroy, casually.
“Our—bit—of—an—Army?” repeated the Duke, in a scattered sort of way.
“Our bit of an Army?” the Duke repeated, sounding a bit disjointed.
“Yes,” explained Grandolph, “the bit of an Army we pay such a pile of money for?”
“Yeah,” explained Grandolph, “the little bit of an Army we spend so much money on?”
“Ha!” ejaculated his Lordship. “That’s it, is it? The money isn’t spent as you like. You’d like to have the spending of it. What would you buy with it? I should like to hear something about that.”
“Ha!” exclaimed his Lordship. “So that’s it, huh? The money isn’t spent the way you want. You want to control how it’s spent. What would you buy with it? I’m curious to hear about that.”
“Doubtless,” replied Lord Fauntleroy, coolly. “Some day you may. At present I’m asking questions, and your business is to answer them.”
“Sure,” replied Lord Fauntleroy, casually. “You might someday. Right now, though, I’m asking questions, and your job is to answer them.”
“The D——!” began the Duke, hotly.
“The D——!” the Duke started, hotly.
“Quite so—the D—— etails,” interjected Little Lord Fauntleroy, blandly. “As you were doubtless about to say, the details are the things! All very well to say in a general sort of way that the Army is going to—its usual destination, Duke; that Party Spirit and Financial Cheese-paring are the cause of it, and that more men and money are urgently required. That won’t do for me. I want to know—so does the Country—much more than that. How? Why? What? When? How many? How much? These, my dear Duke, are the pertinent questions to which we—the Country and I—demand precise answers. When we get them, instead of vague denunciation and big D’s, we shall know what to do.”
“Absolutely—the details,” added Little Lord Fauntleroy, casually. “As you were probably about to say, the details are everything! It’s fine to vaguely mention that the Army is heading to its usual destination, Duke; that Party Spirit and Financial Cutbacks are to blame, and that more troops and funds are urgently needed. But that doesn’t work for me. I want to know—so does the Country—much more than that. How? Why? What? When? How many? How much? These, my dear Duke, are the essential questions to which we—the Country and I—demand clear answers. Once we have them, instead of vague criticism and big D’s, we’ll know what to do.”
The sensations of his Royal Highness the Duke, could scarcely be described. He was not an old nobleman who was very easily taken aback, because he had seen a great deal of the official world; but here was something he found so novel that it almost took his lordly breath away, and caused him some singular emotions. A civilian had always seemed to him a most objectionable creature—impertinent, parsimonious, and with inadequate conceptions of discipline. But this composed, precise, insolently interrogative little personage was a portent. The Duke’s martinet manner was quite shaken by this startling surprise.
The feelings of His Royal Highness the Duke were hard to put into words. He wasn't an old nobleman who got easily thrown off because he had experienced a lot in the official world; but this was something so new that it nearly took his breath away and stirred up some unusual emotions in him. He had always viewed civilians as pretty unpleasant—rude, stingy, and lacking in respect for discipline. But this calm, exact, and boldly questioning little person was something else entirely. The Duke’s strict and commanding demeanor was thoroughly rattled by this surprising encounter.
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Understood. Please provide the text for modernization.
The Standard (London) in 1885 ventured to criticise the political character and conduct of Lord Randolph Churchill, but three years later it contained an article which read like a parody of its former utterances about this Boulanger of the Fourth Party:—
The Standard (London) in 1885 dared to criticize the political character and actions of Lord Randolph Churchill, but three years later it published an article that seemed like a joke compared to its previous statements about this Boulanger of the Fourth Party:—
(From the Standard,
July 31, 1885.)
(From the Standard,
July 31, 1885.)
It is time to speak plainly. Lord Randolph Churchill has been puffed by his friends in the daily and weekly press with admirable assiduity. He has dined with them and they have dined with him, and the well-organised claque are ready to cry “Prodigious!” whenever he opens his mouth. But it is all in vain. We no longer live in days when the public can be gulled by such arts.… The truth is, that Lord Randolph Churchill is a much over-rated man. He is now verging upon middle-age and has reached a time of life when even flighty minds ought to sober down. But this is what he cannot do. His almost incredible ignorance of affairs, his boyish delight in offering the crudest insults to men who have been fifty years in the service of the State, his pranks, his blunders, are ceasing to amuse.… Instead of his being broken in by his colleagues, his colleagues have been broken in by him, and he has been able to make them adopt as the deliberate and well-digested convictions of sagacious and practical Englishmen, the crude conceits of a political neophyte, which his own little Senate labour hard to represent as the language of a new Tory gospel.… We will follow Lord Salisbury, but we will not be governed by a sort of overgrown schoolboy, who thinks he is witty when he is only impudent, and who really does not seem to possess sufficient knowledge even to fathom the depths of his own ignorance of everything worthy of the name of statesmanship.
It’s time to be straightforward. Lord Randolph Churchill has been promoted by his friends in the daily and weekly press with remarkable dedication. He has shared meals with them, and they have dined with him, while the well-organized cheering squad is always ready to exclaim "Amazing!" whenever he speaks. But it’s all pointless. We no longer live in a time when the public can be fooled by such tactics. The truth is, Lord Randolph Churchill is greatly overrated. He is approaching middle age and has reached a point in life when even whimsical individuals should mature. But he cannot do this. His shocking ignorance of important matters, his childish enjoyment of throwing the most basic insults at men who have served the State for fifty years, his antics, and his mistakes are becoming less amusing. Instead of being influenced by his colleagues, he has made them adapt to his ways, promoting the crude ideas of a political novice as the thoughtful and practical beliefs of shrewd Englishmen, which his own small group works hard to present as the language of a new Tory doctrine. We will support Lord Salisbury, but we will not be governed by an oversized schoolboy who thinks he’s clever when he’s just rude, and who doesn’t seem to have enough knowledge to even understand the depths of his own ignorance of real statesmanship.
(From the Standard,
July 29, 1888.)
(From the Standard,
July 29, 1888.)
The interest excited by the other appointments sinks into nothing compared with that which must be felt in the promotion of Lord R. Churchill to the Chancellorship of the Exchequer and the leadership of the House of Commons. There is, doubtless, much that may be said against the appointment to so responsible a position of one who has had so brief an experience of official life, and who has hitherto been more remarkable for brilliancy than discretion. On the other hand, Lord Randolph Churchill possesses the debating power and the dauntless spirit which are indispensable to a successful leader. There are times and seasons when self-confidence, readiness, and a command of that pungent rhetoric which often tells better in the House of Commons than the closest and most judicial argument, are of more service to a party than any other qualities which a Parliamentary statesman can possess. Lord Randolph Churchill moreover, is eminently popular with “the masses,” and so far has a title to confront Mr. Gladstone which no other man on the Conservative side of the House can show. In short, he is an orator and a wit; and in a popular assembly these are titles to pre-eminence which it is not very easy to dispute. It remains for Lord Randolph Churchill to demonstrate that the great confidence that has been reposed in him has not been misplaced.
The excitement generated by the other appointments pales in comparison to the reactions surrounding Lord R. Churchill's promotion to Chancellor of the Exchequer and leader of the House of Commons. Certainly, there are valid concerns about bringing someone with such limited official experience into such a high-stakes role, especially when he’s been more known for his flashiness than his caution. However, Lord Randolph Churchill has the debating skills and fearless attitude essential for a successful leader. There are moments when self-assurance, quick thinking, and that sharp rhetoric that often works better in the House of Commons than the most meticulous and objective argument are more beneficial to a party than any other abilities a parliamentary politician can have. Additionally, Lord Randolph Churchill is very popular with “the masses,” which gives him a unique edge against Mr. Gladstone that no other Conservative can match. In short, he’s both an orator and a wit, and in a crowd-focused assembly, these qualities are hard to challenge. Now it's up to Lord Randolph Churchill to prove that the great trust placed in him has not been misplaced.
Lord Randolph Churchill used his opportunities at Birmingham yesterday to illustrate, on a more ambitious scale than he has yet attempted, his constitutional incapacity for public life. A Statesman should be discreet; and even the hack politician is expected to be loyal to his associates. Lord Randolph has been at some pains to prove that no colleagues can trust him, and that no school of opinion can rely upon him for six weeks together. He made several speeches yesterday, and discussed at considerable length, and with an air of dogmatic assurance, a variety of topics. But the miscellaneous heads were all firmly held together by one pervading principle. Lord Randolph Churchill, his position and prospects, and the supreme importance of improving both at any cost, constituted the informing element of the whole medley. It does not, of course, follow that because Lord Randolph played a selfish game, he played a wise one. His addresses, we imagine, will strike him as poor reading by daylight. Even in the atmosphere of the City Hall, the reception was not altogether encouraging. It is not flattering to an orator to find that sayings which he meant to be oracular provoked merriment; that his serious things were taken as jokes and his jokes as serious things; and that solemn declarations of policy, which were designed to draw ringing cheers, were listened to in chilling silence, or, still worse, excited immediate and emphatic protest.
Lord Randolph Churchill seized his chances in Birmingham yesterday to demonstrate, on a larger scale than he has attempted before, his unfitness for public life. A statesman should be discreet, and even a low-level politician is expected to be loyal to their colleagues. Lord Randolph has gone out of his way to show that no one can trust him, and that no school of thought can count on him for more than six weeks at a time. He delivered several speeches yesterday, discussing a range of topics at length and with a tone of absolute certainty. However, all these varied subjects were held together by one main idea: Lord Randolph Churchill, his position and prospects, and the urgent need to improve both at any cost formed the core of the entire mix. It doesn’t necessarily mean that just because Lord Randolph played a selfish game, he played a smart one. We suspect that he will find his speeches disappointing when he reviews them in the light of day. Even in the City Hall, the reception was not overly positive. It's not a good look for a speaker to realize that statements meant to be profound were met with laughter; that his serious comments were taken as jokes and his jokes were taken seriously; and that solemn policy declarations, intended to generate enthusiastic cheers, were met with cold silence or, even worse, immediate and strong disagreement.
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H. Rider Haggard.
H. Rider Haggard.
He, by the author of “It,” “King Solomon’s Wives,” “Bess,” and other Romances. London, Longmans, Green and Co., 1887. This, of course, is a parody of “She; a History of Adventure,” by H. Rider Haggard, author of “King Solomon’s mines,” etc. Also published by Longmans and Co. London.
He, by the author of “It,” “King Solomon’s Wives,” “Bess,” and other romances. London, Longmans, Green
She was also dramatised, and produced at the Gaiety Theatre, London, in September, 1888.
She was also dramatized and presented at the Gaiety Theatre, London, in September 1888.
Punch had a humorous skit on this adaptation (September 15, 1888) entitled “She-that-ought-not-to-be-played! A Story of Gloomy Gaiety.”
Punch had a funny skit about this adaptation (September 15, 1888) called “She-that-ought-not-to-be-played! A Story of Gloomy Gaiety.”
A burlesque of “She” had also previously appeared in Punch, February 26, 1887, entitled “Hee! Hee!” by Walker Weird, author of “Solomon’s Ewers.”
A parody of “She” had also previously appeared in Punch, February 26, 1887, called “Hee! Hee!” by Walker Weird, the author of “Solomon’s Ewers.”
American publishers not only pirated the popular works of Mr. Rider Haggard, but one firm proceeded to father upon him a work of which he knew nothing. This was entitled “Me, a companion to She.” By H. Rider Haggard; published by Butler Brothers, of New York and Chicago. In justice to that firm, however, it must be said that they withdrew the work from circulation as soon as they discovered that Mr. Haggard objected to having his name coupled with it. Copies of this are consequently very difficult to procure.
American publishers not only copied the popular works of Mr. Rider Haggard, but one company went so far as to attribute a work to him that he knew nothing about. This was titled “Me, a companion to She.” By H. Rider Haggard; published by Butler Brothers, of New York and Chicago. To be fair to that company, they pulled the book from circulation as soon as they realized that Mr. Haggard didn’t want his name associated with it. As a result, copies of this are really hard to find.
King Solomon’s Wives; or, The Phantom Mines. By Hyder Ragged. With numerous illustrations by Linley Sambourne. London, Vizetelly and Co., 1887.
King Solomon’s Wives; or, The Phantom Mines. By Hyder Ragged. With numerous illustrations by Linley Sambourne. London, Vizetelly and Co., 1887.
The jocular introduction to this is signed A. Quaterman.
The humorous introduction to this is signed A. Quaterman.
——:o:——
——:o:——
Samuel Richardson.
Samuel Richardson.
It is well known that Fielding’s Joseph Andrews was written with the intention of ridiculing Richardson’s tediously moral novel Pamela, of which to a certain extent it is a parody, Joseph, the virtuous footman, being the brother of Pamela, and subjected to similar temptations. Fielding had a contempt for the priggish tone of Richardson’s works, and his ridicule succeeded in almost killing Pamela.
It is well known that Fielding’s Joseph Andrews was written to poke fun at Richardson’s overly moralistic novel Pamela, of which it is, to some extent, a parody. Joseph, the virtuous footman, is the brother of Pamela and faces similar temptations. Fielding had little respect for the pompous tone of Richardson’s works, and his satire nearly put an end to Pamela.
There was another curious attack on Richardson entitled “Apology for the Life of Mrs. Shamela Andrews, in which the Falsehoods of Pamela are Exposed, together with a full Account of all that passed between her and Parson Williams,” by Mr. Conny Keyber. 1741.
There was another interesting critique of Richardson called “Apology for the Life of Mrs. Shamela Andrews, which reveals the Lies of Pamela, along with a complete Account of everything that happened between her and Parson Williams,” by Mr. Conny Keyber. 1741.
The History of Clorana, the Beautiful Arcadian, or Virtue Triumphant, 1737. (Pamela, with slight variations.)
The History of Clorana, the Beautiful Arcadian, or Virtue Triumphant, 1737. (Pamela, with slight variations.)
——:o:——
——:o:——
MISS BRADDON.
Miss Braddon.
Dr. Marchmont’s Misery.
Dr. Marchmont's Struggles.
This was a burlesque of “Lady Audley’s Secret” which appeared in Judy, 1868. It was written by Mr. Walter Parke. The following is an extract from this humorous work:—
This was a parody of “Lady Audley’s Secret” that was published in Judy, 1868. It was written by Mr. Walter Parke. Here’s a passage from this funny work:—
Chapter xii.
Chapter 12.
Day had broken (though Martin was still solvent) and was casting brilliant Holborn Bars of light through the windows of Tredethlyn Abbey on to the artistic Phiz of Lady Aurorabella.
Day had broken (though Martin was still doing okay) and was casting bright beams of light through the windows of Tredethlyn Abbey onto the artistic features of Lady Aurorabella.
She was very very weary—tired of her own life, and of several other people’s lives, also she had not the heart to eat, and probably would not have eaten it if she had. Beyond trifling with the wing of a rabbit, cutting a morsel from a cold surloin of grouse, and drinking a single glass of Chiaroscuro, her breakfast was untouched.
She was extremely tired—exhausted by her own life and by several other people’s lives as well. She didn’t have the appetite to eat, and she probably wouldn’t have eaten even if she had. Aside from picking at the wing of a rabbit, cutting a piece from a cold slice of grouse, and sipping a single glass of Chiaroscuro, her breakfast was left alone.
For she had just received intelligence that, in spite of all her exertions, her Five Husbands were again at liberty!
For she had just found out that, despite all her efforts, her Five husbands were free again!
“Oh! why did they not all perish?” she sobbed. “I have tried to get rid of them over and over again by every species of assassination, but now I am tired of mild measures. I must do something Desperate!”
“Oh! why didn’t they all just die?” she sobbed. “I’ve tried to get rid of them again and again with every kind of assassination, but now I’m tired of gentle methods. I have to do something Desperate!”
So she summoned that ubiquitous detective officer, Inspector Weasel, who, from any quarter of the globe, would come by telegraph to obey her slightest word.
So she called for the ever-present detective, Inspector Weasel, who, from anywhere in the world, would respond by telegraph to follow her every command.
“Weasel” she said “I can endure this no longer, I have made a resolve. By the tyrannical laws of this hateful country, my quintette of husbands have been allowed to keep the marriage certificates. Once in possession of them, I could defy the world. If you value my peace or your own, you must get them for me.”
“Weasel,” she said, “I can’t take this anymore. I’ve made a decision. By the oppressive laws of this horrible country, my quintette of husbands have been allowed to keep the marriage certificates. Once I have them, I could stand up to anyone. If you care about my peace or your own, you have to get them for me.”
“I will,” replied the all accomplished detective and he set about it at once.
“I will,” replied the highly skilled detective, and he got started right away.
First, to pursue the fugitive Dr. Marchmont, “Ah” murmured the Detective “my experience tells me that when a fellow on the bolt says he is going to one place, he is certain to set off in exactly the opposite direction. Let me see,” And he carefully examined his Government survey of the World.
First, to track down the runaway Dr. Marchmont, “Ah,” murmured the Detective, “my experience tells me that when someone is on the run and claims they're heading to one place, they're definitely going in the opposite direction. Let me see.” And he carefully examined his Government survey of the World.
* * * * *
Understood. Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize.
Inspector Weasel hastened to the Snoozington Railway Station.
Inspector Weasel rushed to the Snoozington Railway Station.
“What time does the next train start for Kamtschatka?” “At 6.85,” was the reply.
“What time does the next train leave for Kamtschatka?” “At 6:85,” came the response.
The detective chafed with impatience. Two minutes to wait! It seemed an eternity-and-a-half to him! At length the train arrived and the detective jumped up behind the Engine Driver. “Off we go!” he cried, “bother stations, and signals, and all that sort of thing, never mind bursting the engine, or blowing up the passengers. I’m in a hurry!”
The detective fidgeted with impatience. Two minutes to wait! It felt like an eternity to him! Finally, the train arrived, and the detective jumped up behind the Engine Driver. “Let’s go!” he shouted, “Forget about stations, signals, and all that stuff. I don’t care if the engine breaks down or if the passengers blow up. I’m in a hurry!”
——:o:——
——:o:——
THE POLITE LETTER WRITER.
THE COURTEOUS LETTER WRITER.
At the distribution of prizes to the art classes at Chesterfield in November, 1880, the secretary read a communication purporting to come from Mr. John Ruskin, in answer to one asking him to give them a lecture. It was as follows:—
At the awards ceremony for the art classes at Chesterfield in November 1880, the secretary read a message that claimed to be from Mr. John Ruskin, responding to a request for him to give a lecture. It was as follows:—
“Harlesden, London, Friday.
“Harlesden, London, Friday.”
“My dear Sir,—Your letter reaches me here. I have just returned from Venice, where I have ruminated in the pasturages of the home of art; the loveliest and holiest of lovely and holy cities, where the very stones cry out, eloquent in the elegancies of Iambics. I could not if I would go to Chesterfield, and I much doubt whether I would go if I could. I do not hire myself out—after the fashion of a brainless long tongued puppet—for filthy ducats. You, and those who told you to write me, want me, I presume, to come that you may make money for your art class; and if I should get you much money, you will then tolerate some good advice from me. No, I will not come.
“My dear Sir,—Your letter has reached me here. I just got back from Venice, where I immersed myself in the beautiful landscapes of the art capital; the most enchanting and sacred of all beautiful and sacred cities, where even the stones seem to speak, eloquent in poetic elegance. I could not go to Chesterfield even if I wanted to, and I seriously doubt I would go if I could. I don't sell myself off—like a mindless, talkative puppet—for dirty money. You and those who prompted you to write me want me to come so you can profit from your art class; and if I were to bring you a lot of money, you would then be open to some good advice from me. No, I will not come.
“I have heard of Chesterfield. Hath it not a steeple-abomination, and is it not the home—if not the cradle—of that arch abomination-creator, Stephenson? To him are we indebted for the screeching and howling and shrieking fiends fit only for a Pandemonium, called locomotives, that disfigure the loveliest spots of God’s own land.
“I've heard of Chesterfield. Doesn’t it have that awful steeple, and isn’t it the home—if not the birthplace—of that mastermind of horrors, Stephenson? We owe him for the screeching, howling, and shrieking monsters, fit only for a hell, called locomotives, that ruin the most beautiful parts of God’s own land.
“I will not come to Chesterfield. Tell your students that art is a holy luxury, and they must pay for it. Tell them to study, to ponder, and to work with a single thought for perfection, observing loving and strict obedience to the monitions of their teacher. Let them learn to do things rightly and humbly, and then, by the conviction that they can never do them as well as they have been done by others, they may be profited.
"I won't be going to Chesterfield. Let your students know that art is a sacred luxury and that they need to invest in it. Encourage them to study, think deeply, and work tirelessly with the goal of achieving perfection, always showing both love and discipline in following their teacher's guidance. They should learn to do things the right way and with humility, and then, by understanding that they can never execute things as well as others have, they will benefit from it."
“My good young people, this is pre-eminently the foolishest—yes, quite the foolishest—notion that you can get into your empty little egg-shells of heads; that you can be a Titian, or a Raphael, or a Phidias; or that you can write like Seneca. But because you cannot be great, that is no reason why you should not aspire to greatness. In joy, humility, and humbleness, work together. Only don’t study art because it will pay, and do not ask for payment because you study art. Art will make you all wiser and happier, and is worth paying for. If you are in debt—as I suppose you are, or why pester me?—pay off your debts yourselves. If you write to me only that you may get money, you are on the foolishest of all errands. Wisdom is more precious than rubies, and is offered to you as a blessing in herself. She is the reward of industry, kindness and modesty. She is the prize of prizes, the strength of your life now, and an earnest of the life that is to come. This advice is better than money, and I give it to you gratis. Ponder it and profit by it.—Ever faithfully yours,
“My dear young people, this is definitely the most foolish—yes, really the most foolish—idea that you can get into your empty little heads; that you can be a Titian, or a Raphael, or a Phidias; or that you can write like Seneca. But just because you can’t be great, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t strive for greatness. Together, embrace joy, humility, and modesty. Just don’t study art just for the money, and don’t expect to get paid for studying art. Art will make you all wiser and happier, and it’s worth investing in. If you’re in debt—as I assume you are, or why else would you bother me?—pay off your debts on your own. If you’re writing to me just to get money, you’re on the most foolish quest of all. Wisdom is more valuable than rubies, and it’s given to you as a blessing in itself. It’s the reward for hard work, kindness, and modesty. It’s the prize of all prizes, the strength of your life now, and a promise of the life to come. This advice is worth more than money, and I’m giving it to you for free. Think about it and benefit from it.—Always sincerely yours,
John Ruskin.”
John Ruskin.”
Many were the comments which this letter, widely published, as it was, created; for scarcely any one doubted the authenticity of the letter addressed to Chesterfield, a name which recals that of a celebrated Earl who also wrote letters, but his were on the art of politeness.
Many comments were sparked by this letter, given its wide publication; almost everyone believed the letter addressed to Chesterfield was genuine. The name Chesterfield brings to mind a famous Earl who also wrote letters, but his were about the art of politeness.
But a few days afterwards Mr. Ruskin denied that he had composed the epistle; it is, therefore, only of interest now as so clever a parody of his style that the whole London press was deceived by it. The following letter, however, was certainly genuine. In June 1886, a circular was addressed to Mr. Ruskin appealing for subscriptions towards extinquishing the debt of the Baptist Church at Richmond, to which he replied:—
But a few days later, Mr. Ruskin claimed he didn’t write the letter; so it’s only interesting now as a clever parody of his style that the entire London press fell for it. However, the following letter was definitely real. In June 1886, a circular was sent to Mr. Ruskin asking for donations to help pay off the debt of the Baptist Church in Richmond, to which he responded:—
Sir,—I am sorrowfully amused at your appeal to me, of all people in the world the precisely least likely to give you a farthing. My first word to all men and boys who care to hear me is “Don’t get into debt. Starve, and go to heaven; but don’t borrow. Try first begging. I don’t mind, if it’s really needful, stealing. But don’t buy things you can’t pay for.” And of all manner of debtors, pious people building churches they can’t pay for are the most detestable nonsense to me. Can’t you preach and pray behind the hedges, or in a sandpit, or in a coal-hole first? And of all manner of churches thus idiotically built, iron churches are the damnablest to me. And of all the sects and believers in any ruling spirit, Hindoos, Turks, Feather Idolators, and Mumbo Jumbo Log and Fire Worshippers, who want churches, your modern English Evangelical sect is the most absurd and entirely objectionable and unendurable to me. All which you might very easily have found out from my books. Any other sort of sect would, before bothering me to write it to them.—Ever, nevertheless, and in all this saying, your faithful servant,
Dude,—I find it sadly funny that you would reach out to me, of all people, as the least likely to give you a penny. My first advice to anyone who will listen is “Don’t go into debt. Suffer, if you must, but don’t borrow money. Try begging first. I won’t mind, if it’s absolutely necessary, even stealing. But don’t buy things you can’t afford.” And among all kinds of debtors, religious people building churches they can’t pay for strike me as the most ridiculous. Can’t you preach and pray in a field, or a sandpit, or a coal hole first? Of all the pointless churches built this way, iron churches are the worst for me. And among all the religions and beliefs in any higher power, whether Hindus, Turks, idol worshippers, or fire worshippers, the modern English Evangelical sect is the most absurd and completely unacceptable to me. You could have easily figured this out from my books. Any other kind of sect would have realized not to bother me with this.—Forever, nonetheless, and with all this in mind, your faithful servant,
John Ruskin.
John Ruskin.
Having enumerated the most important parodies of our great novelists, and given such extracts as the limits of space would permit, it only remains to mention such other prose parodies of works of fiction, which are either of less merit in themselves, or mimic authors of less importance than those already dealt with. This list can only be approximately complete, as there are hundreds of such parodies buried away in the back numbers of the Magazines and Comic Journals.
Having listed the most significant parodies of our great novelists and provided excerpts within the limits of space, it’s time to mention other prose parodies of fictional works that are either of lesser quality or imitate authors of less significance than those already covered. This list can only be somewhat complete, as there are hundreds of such parodies hidden in the back issues of magazines and comic journals.
W. Harrison Ainsworth.
W. Harrison Ainsworth.
The Age of Lawn Tennis. A fragment after Harrison Ainsworth’s “Rookwood.” See Tennis Cuts and Quips.
The Age of Lawn Tennis. A fragment after Harrison Ainsworth’s “Rookwood.” See Tennis Cuts and Quips.
Old Temple Bar; by W, Harrissing Ainsworth. See The Puppet Showman’s Album.
Old Temple Bar; by W. Harrissing Ainsworth. See The Puppet Showman’s Album.
Blueacre. A Romance, by W. Harrising Painsworth. See Our Miscellany, by E. H. Yates and R. B. Brough.
Blueacre. A Romance, by W. Harrising Painsworth. See Our Miscellany, by E. H. Yates and R. B. Brough.
William Black.
William Black.
In Silk Attire. By W——m B——k. See The Tomahawk, July 17, 1869.
In Silk Attire. By W——m B——k. See The Tomahawk, July 17, 1869.
There was also a parody of Mr. Black, in The World.
There was also a satire of Mr. Black in The World.
A Princess of Lundy. By W——m B——k. See Ben D’Ymion and other Novelettes, by H. F. Lester. London, Swan Sonnenschein & Co., 1887.
A Princess of Lundy. By W——m B——k. See Ben D’Ymion and other Novelettes, by H. F. Lester. London, Swan Sonnenschein & Co., 1887.
This volume also contains:—
This volume also contains:—
Muddlemarsh, by George Eliot.
Muddlemarsh, by George Eliot.
The Portrait of a Hybrid, by Henry James.
The Portrait of a Hybrid, by Henry James.
A Rustic Zenobia, by Thomas Hardy.
A Rustic Zenobia, by Thomas Hardy.
James Fribblesaint, by J. H Shorthouse.
James Fribblesaint, by J. H Shorthouse.
Portraits of Children of the Mobility, drawn from Nature, with Memoirs and Characteristic Sketches by the Author of the “Comic English Grammar” (Gilbert A. à Beckett), plates by John Leech. London, 1841.
Portraits of Children of the Mobility, created from Life, with Biographies and Individual Sketches by the Author of the “Comic English Grammar” (Gilbert A. à Beckett), illustrations by John Leech. London, 1841.
A remarkably clever parody upon a publication entitled “Children of the Nobility,” issued under the auspices of the Countess of Blessington, the first Edition of which is scarce.
A surprisingly clever parody of a publication called “Children of the Nobility,” released with the support of the Countess of Blessington, the first edition of which is rare.
Charlotte Brontë.
Charlotte Brontë.
Miss Mix. By Charlotte Brontë. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.
Miss Mix. By Charlotte Brontë. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.
Miss Braddon.
Miss Braddon.
Selina Sedilia. By Miss M. E. Braddon and Mrs. Henry Wood. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.
Selina Sedilia. By Miss M. E. Braddon and Mrs. Henry Wood. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.
Miss Rhoda Broughton.
Miss Rhoda Broughton.
Gone Wrong. A new Novel by Miss Rhody Dendron, Authoress of “Cometh down like a Shower,” “Red in the Nose is She,” etc.
Gone Wrong. A new novel by Miss Rhody Dendron, author of “Cometh Down Like a Shower,” “Red in the Nose Is She,” etc.
By F. C. Burnand. London, Bradbury, & Co, 1881.
By F. C. Burnand. London, Bradbury, & Co, 1881.
Colonel F. Burnaby.
Colonel F. Burnaby.
The Ride to Khiva. By F. C. Burnand. London, Bradbury, Agnew & Co, 1879. This burlesque of Colonel Burnaby’s A Ride to Khiva originally appeared in Punch.
The Ride to Khiva. By F. C. Burnand. London, Bradbury, Agnew & Co, 1879. This spoof of Colonel Burnaby’s A Ride to Khiva originally appeared in Punch.
Samuel Butler.
Samuel Butler.
The Irish Hudibras, or Fingallian Prince. 1689.
The Irish Hudibras, or Fingallian Prince. 1689.
The Whigs’ Supplication; or, Scotch Hudibras, a mock Poem. By Samuel Colville. First published in 1681, there have since been several editions.
The Whigs’ Supplication; or, Scotch Hudibras, a mock Poem. By Samuel Colville. First published in 1681, there have since been several editions.
The Lentiad; or, Peter the Pope pommelled and Pounded with a Hudibrastic Cudgel. Edited by Rev. John Allan. (Violently Anti-Catholic.) London, William Freeman, 1863.
The Lentiad; or, Peter the Pope beaten and hit with a Hudibrastic club. Edited by Rev. John Allan. (Strongly Anti-Catholic.) London, William Freeman, 1863.
Butler’s Ghost; or Hudibras, the fourth part, with reflections upon these times. Tom D’Urfey. 1682.
Butler’s Ghost; or Hudibras, the fourth part, with reflections on these times. Tom D’Urfey. 1682.
The Modern Hudibras, a poem in three cantos. By George Linley. London, J. C. Hotten, 1864.
The Modern Hudibras, a poem in three cantos. By George Linley. London, J. C. Hotten, 1864.
“Cœlebs in search of a Wife.”
“Cœlebs in search of a Wife.”
Cœlebs Deceived, a Novel. 1817.
Cœlebs Deceived, a Novel. 1817.
Celia in search of a Husband, by a Modern Antique. 1809.
Celia in Search of a Husband, by a Modern Antique. 1809.
Miguel Cervantes.
Miguel de Cervantes.
A Chapter from the Book called The Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote de la Mancha, which by some mischance has not till now been printed. London, George Redway, 1887.
A Chapter from the Book called The Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote de la Mancha, which for some reason has not been printed until now. London, George Redway, 1887.
(A curious dissertation on the literature of the Occult Sciences.)
(A curious dissertation on the literature of the Occult Sciences.)
Don Quixote; or, the Knight of the woeful Countenance. A Romantic Drama, in two acts. By George Almar, Surrey Theatre London, April 8, 1833. (Dicks).
Don Quixote; or, the Knight of the Sad Face. A Romantic Drama, in two acts. By George Almar, Surrey Theatre London, April 8, 1833. (Dicks).
Don Quixote was also dramatised at the Alhambra Theatre, London, a few years ago.
Don Quixote was also adapted for the stage at the Alhambra Theatre in London a few years ago.
Wilkie Collins.
Wilkie Collins.
The Moonstone and Moonshine, after Wilkie Collins. This parody appeared in The Mask, London, August 1868.
The Moonstone and Moonshine, after Wilkie Collins. This parody was published in The Mask, London, August 1868.
No Title, by Wilkie Collins. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.
No Title, by Wilkie Collins. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.
Thomas Day.
Tom Day.
The New History of Sandford and Merton. Being a True Account of the Adventures of “Masters Tommy and Harry,” with their Beloved Tutor, “Mr. Barlow.” By F. C. Burnand, with 76 Illustrations by Linley Sambourne.
The New History of Sandford and Merton. This is a true account of the adventures of “Masters Tommy and Harry,” along with their beloved tutor, “Mr. Barlow.” By F. C. Burnand, featuring 76 illustrations by Linley Sambourne.
London, Bradbury, Agnew & Co. 1871.
London, Bradbury, Agnew & Co. 1871.
Of all Mr. Burnand’s burlesques, this is probably the most humorous; the immortal tutor prig, Mr. Barlow, the funny moral tales, and the equally funny illustrations, can scarcely be surpassed.
Of all Mr. Burnand’s burlesques, this is probably the funniest; the unforgettable know-it-all, Mr. Barlow, the hilarious moral stories, and the equally amusing illustrations are hard to beat.
Daniel Defoe.
Daniel Defoe.
The New Robinson Crusoe, an Instructive and Entertaining History for the Children of both sexes. Thirty-two woodcuts by John Bewick. London, 1811.
The New Robinson Crusoe, an Educational and Fun Story for Children of All Genders. Thirty-two illustrations by John Bewick. London, 1811.
Robinson Crusoe was translated into Latin by F. J. Goffaux in 1823, there are several French versions of it, the “Swiss Family Robinson,” and one in German called “Robinson the Younger,” by J. H. Campe.
Robinson Crusoe was translated into Latin by F. J. Goffaux in 1823. There are several French versions, the “Swiss Family Robinson,” and one in German called “Robinson the Younger,” by J. H. Campe.
Robinson the Younger, translated from the German of J. H. Campe. Hamburg, 1781.
Robinson the Younger, translated from the German of J. H. Campe. Hamburg, 1781.
Benjamin Disraeli.
Ben Disraeli.
Anti-Coningsby, or the New Generation grown old. By an embryo M.P. (Mr. W. North). 1844.
Anti-Coningsby, or the New Generation grown old. By an aspiring politician (Mr. W. North). 1844.
Hythair. By Walter Parke, Funny Folks, 1876.
Hythair. By Walter Parke, Funny Folks, 1876.
Splendimion, or, the Asian Mystery. A Grand “Diz”-torical Romance. By Walter Parke. Funny Folks, 1880.
Splendimion, or, the Asian Mystery. A Grand “Diz”-torical Romance. By Walter Parke. Funny Folks, 1880.
Charles Dickens.
Charles Dickens.
In the list of plays founded on his novels, given on p. 226, the following should have been included:—
In the list of plays based on his novels, found on p. 226, the following should have been included:—
A Christmas Carol. By E. Stirling. Adelphi Theatre. February 5, 1844. (Barth.)
A Christmas Carol. By E. Stirling. Adelphi Theatre. February 5, 1844. (Barth.)
The Chimes. By E. Stirling, Lyceum Theatre, December, 26, 1844.
The Chimes. By E. Stirling, Lyceum Theatre, December 26, 1844.
A Christmas Carol. By Charles Webb, (Barth.)
A Christmas Carol. By Charles Webb, (Barth.)
Martin Chuzzlewit. By Harry Minus, Oxford Theatre, Easter Monday, 1878, (Dicks).
Martin Chuzzlewit. By Harry Minus, Oxford Theatre, Easter Monday, 1878, (Dicks).
These entries have been courteously supplied by Mr. T. F. Dillon Croker.
These entries have been kindly provided by Mr. T. F. Dillon Croker.
Hugh Conway.
Hugh Conway.
Much Darker Days. By A. Huge Longway, author of “Scrawled Black,” “Unbound,” etc.
Much Darker Days. By A. Huge Longway, author of “Scrawled Black,” “Unbound,” etc.
London, Longmans, Green and Co., 1884. Anonymous, preface signed A. H. L.
London, Longmans, Green and Co., 1884. Anonymous, preface signed A. H. L.
A later edition of this parody of Hugh Conway’s Dark Days was published in 1885, with an apologetic Preface.
A later edition of this parody of Hugh Conway’s Dark Days was published in 1885, featuring an apologetic Preface.
Hauled Back, by his Wife. By Ugo Gone-away Hugaway. (Anonymous) London, J. and R. Maxwell, 1885.
Hauled Back, by his Wife. By Ugo Gone-away Hugaway. (Anonymous) London, J. and R. Maxwell, 1885.
Henry Fielding.
Henry Fielding.
The History of Tom Jones the Foundling, in his Married State, London, 1750.
The History of Tom Jones the Foundling, in his Married State, London, 1750.
Tom Jones, a Comic Opera, as performed at Covent Garden Theatre, the words by Joseph Reed.
Tom Jones, a comic opera, performed at Covent Garden Theatre, with lyrics by Joseph Reed.
Tom Jones was also dramatised by Robert Buchanan, as well as Joseph Andrews, the title of which he changed to Joseph’s Sweetheart.
Tom Jones was also adapted for the stage by Robert Buchanan, as well as Joseph Andrews, which he retitled Joseph’s Sweetheart.
Mrs. Gore.
Ms. Gore.
Mammon’s Marriage, by Mrs. Bore. See The Shilling Book of Beauty, by Cuthbert Bede.
Mammon’s Marriage, by Mrs. Bore. See The Shilling Book of Beauty, by Cuthbert Bede.
Fergus W. Hume.
Fergus W. Hume
A Blood Curdling Romance.
A Chilling Romance.
The Mystery of a Wheelbarrow; or, Gaboriau Gaborooed. By W. Humer Ferguson. London, Walter Scott, 1888. A parody of The Mystery of a Hansom Cab, by Fergus W. Hume, of Melbourne, Australia.
The Mystery of a Wheelbarrow; or, Gaboriau Gaborooed. By W. Humer Ferguson. London, Walter Scott, 1888. A parody of The Mystery of a Hansom Cab, by Fergus W. Hume, of Melbourne, Australia.
G. P. R. James.
G.P.R. James.
The Page. A Romaunt from English history, by Gustavus Penny Royal Jacobus. See Our Miscellany, by E. H. Yates and R. B. Brough.
The Page. A story from English history, by Gustavus Penny Royal Jacobus. See Our Miscellany, by E. H. Yates and R. B. Brough.
The Passage of Prawns. A Tale of Picardy, by George Prince Regent James. See The Puppet Showman’s Album.
The Passage of Prawns. A Tale of Picardy, by George Prince Regent James. See The Puppet Showman’s Album.
In Cruikshank’s Almanac for 1846, will be found an article entitled “Hints to Novelists,” in which short imitations are given of G. P. R. James, C. Dickens, and Fennimore Cooper.
In Cruikshank’s Almanac for 1846, you'll find an article titled “Hints to Novelists,” which includes brief imitations of G. P. R. James, C. Dickens, and Fennimore Cooper.
Barbazure, by G. P. R. Jeames, Esq. See Novels by Eminent Hands, by W. M. Thackeray. (These originally appeared in Punch.)
Barbazure, by G. P. R. Jeames, Esq. See Novels by Eminent Hands, by W. M. Thackeray. (These originally appeared in Punch.)
Magnum of Burgundy. A Romance of the Fronde. See A Bowl of Punch, by Albert Smith.
Magnum of Burgundy. A Romance of the Fronde. See A Bowl of Punch, by Albert Smith.
The Robber of Idleburg, by Walter Parke. See The Comic News, London. 1864.
The Robber of Idleburg, by Walter Parke. See The Comic News, London. 1864.
Charles Lever.
Charles Lever.
Phil. Fogarty. A Tale of the Fighting Onety-oneth. By Harry Rollicker. See Novels by Eminent Hands, by W. M. Thackeray.
Phil. Fogarty. A Tale of the Fighting Onety-oneth. By Harry Rollicker. See Novels by Eminent Hands, by W. M. Thackeray.
Terence Deuville, by Charles L—v—r. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.
Terence Deuville, by Charles L—v—r. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.
Tom Kinnahan, or the Frays and Fights of a Horse Marine. By Charles Heaver, author of the “Confessions of Larry Jollycur,” etc. See The Puppet Showman’s Album.
Tom Kinnahan, or the Frays and Fights of a Horse Marine. By Charles Heaver, author of the “Confessions of Larry Jollycur,” etc. See The Puppet Showman’s Album.
Lord Lytton.
Lord Lytton.
The Wrongful Heir; or, What will they do with him? A Strange Story. By Walter Parke. Judy, 1869.
The Wrongful Heir; or, What will they do with him? A Strange Story. By Walter Parke. Judy, 1869.
Baron Munchausen.
Baron Munchausen.
The Travels and Surprising adventures of Baron Munchausen. First English Edition Oxford, 1786.
The Travels and Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen. First English Edition Oxford, 1786.
There can be little doubt but what this amusing piece of nonsense was written to ridicule certain German memoirs, some say those of Baron de Tott, others say those of Baron Von Trenck. The authorship of the work was also the subject of dispute, but it is now generally ascribed to G. A. Bürger, the German poet, who died in 1794.
There’s no doubt that this amusing piece of nonsense was written to mock certain German memoirs; some say it's about Baron de Tott, while others say it's about Baron Von Trenck. The authorship of the work was also debated, but it’s now mostly credited to G. A. Bürger, the German poet, who died in 1794.
In 1792 there appeared A Sequel to the Adventures of Baron Munchausen which was humbly dedicated to Mr. Bruce, the celebrated Abyssinian traveller.
In 1792, A Sequel to the Adventures of Baron Munchausen was humbly dedicated to Mr. Bruce, the famous Abyssinian traveler.
The Surprising, Unheard of, and Never-to-be-surpassed Adventures of Young Munchausen, related and illustrated by C. H. Bennett. In twelve “Stories.” London, Routledge & Co., 1865.
The Surprising, Unheard of, and Never-to-be-surpassed Adventures of Young Munchausen, told and illustrated by C. H. Bennett. In twelve “Stories.” London, Routledge & Co., 1865.
This originally appeared in Routledge’s Every Boy’s Annual.
This originally appeared in Routledge’s Every Boy’s Annual.
“Ouida.” (Louise de la Ramée.)
“Ouida.” (Louisa de la Ramée.)
Blue Blooded Bertie, or under two fires. A serial burlesque of Ouida’s “Under Two Flags,” by Walter Parke. Funny Folks, 1875.
Blue Blooded Bertie, or under two fires. A serial parody of Ouida’s “Under Two Flags,” by Walter Parke. Funny Folks, 1875.
Samuel Pepys.
Samuel Pepys.
The Diary of Samuel Pepys Esq., while an undergraduate at Cambridge. With notes and appendix. Cambridge: Jonathan Palmer, 1864. This clever parody ran through several Editions, it was thought to be the production of Mr. Cooke, a student of Emanuel College, Cambridge.
The Diary of Samuel Pepys Esq., while an undergraduate at Cambridge. With notes and appendix. Cambridge: Jonathan Palmer, 1864. This clever parody went through several editions and was believed to be written by Mr. Cooke, a student from Emanuel College, Cambridge.
Mr. Pips, hys Diary. Manners and Customs of ye English, 1849. By Percival Leigh, with illustrations by Richard Doyle.
Mr. Pips, his Diary. Manners and Customs of the English, 1849. By Percival Leigh, with illustrations by Richard Doyle.
The University Commission, or, Lord John Russell’s Postbag, containing Mister Anthony Pepys his Diary, he being a member of the said Commission. Oxford, W. Baxter, 1850.
The University Commission, or Lord John Russell’s Postbag, containing Mr. Anthony Pepys's Diary, since he was a member of the Commission. Oxford, W. Baxter, 1850.
(Written in the style of Pepys’ Diary.)
(Written in the style of Pepys’ Diary.)
Charles Reade.
Charles Reade.
Chikkin Hazard. A Novel by Charles Readit and Dion Bounceycore. This parody on Fowl Play, written by Mr. F. C. Burnand, first appeared in Punch, it was afterwards issued in book form by Bradbury, Agnew & Co., 1881.
Chikkin Hazard. A Novel by Charles Readit and Dion Bounceycore. This parody of Fowl Play, written by Mr. F. C. Burnand, first appeared in Punch; it was later published in book form by Bradbury, Agnew & Co., 1881.
Sir Walter Scott.
Sir Walter Scott.
Rebecca and Rowena. A sequel to Ivanhoe. By W. M. Thackeray.
Rebecca and Rowena. A sequel to Ivanhoe. By W. M. Thackeray.
Pontefract Castle, a novel attributed to Sir W. Scott. Contained in Tales of my Landlord, new series, published in 1820.
Pontefract Castle, a novel credited to Sir W. Scott. Featured in Tales of my Landlord, new series, published in 1820.
Sir Walter Scott formally disavowed this work at the end of his introduction to “The Monastery,” 1830.
Sir Walter Scott officially distanced himself from this work at the end of his introduction to “The Monastery,” 1830.
Waverley. An abridged edition was published by Knight and Lacy, London, 1827, with the title page “Novels, Tales, and Romances” by Sir Walter Scott, abridged and illustrated by Sholto Percy. This appears to have been a gross piracy.
Waverley. A shortened version was published by Knight and Lacy, London, 1827, under the title page “Novels, Tales, and Romances” by Sir Walter Scott, shortened and illustrated by Sholto Percy. This seems to have been a serious infringement.
Moredun: A tale of the Twelve Hundred and Ten, by W. S. This was published in 1855, as a newly discovered Waverley novel.
Moredun: A story from the year 1210, by W. S. This was published in 1855 as a newly found Waverley novel.
Walladmor. (2 vols. 1855). A Novel, by De Quincey, which purported to be “Freely translated into German from the English of Sir Walter Scott, and now freely translated from the German into English.” It appears that German readers were actually hoaxed into the belief that this novel was by Scott.
Walladmor. (2 vols. 1855). A novel by De Quincey that claimed to be “Freely translated into German from the English of Sir Walter Scott, and now freely translated from the German into English.” It seems that German readers were actually misled into believing that this novel was written by Scott.
Hawley Smart.
Hawley Intelligent.
What’s the Odds? or, The Dumb Jockey of Teddington. A sporting novel by Major Jawley Sharp.
What’s the Odds? or, The Not-So-Smart Jockey of Teddington. A sports novel by Major Jawley Sharp.
By F. C. Burnand, London, Bradbury and Co., 1879.
By F. C. Burnand, London, Bradbury and Co., 1879.
(This originally appeared in Punch.)
(This originally appeared in Punch.)
Horace Smith.
Horace Smith.
Whitehall; or, the Days of George IV. Dedicated to Sir Edmund Nagle, K.C.B. London. W. Marsh, 1827.
Whitehall; or, the Days of George IV. Dedicated to Sir Edmund Nagle, K.C.B. London. W. Marsh, 1827.
Horace Smith, one of the authors of Rejected Addresses, wrote a number of historical novels, most of which are now entirely forgotten. One of these was called Brambletye House, to ridicule which Dr. William Maginn wrote Whitehall.
Horace Smith, one of the authors of Rejected Addresses, wrote several historical novels, most of which are now completely forgotten. One of these was titled Brambletye House, which Dr. William Maginn mocked in Whitehall.
“The author’s object,” said the Quarterly Review, in January 1828, “is to laugh down the Brambletye House species of novel; and for this purpose we are presented with such an historical romance as an author of Brambletye House, flourishing in Barbadoes 200 or 2,000 years hence, we are not certain which, nor is the circumstance of material moment, might fairly be expected to compose of and concerning the personages, manners, and events of the age and country in which we live * * * * The book is, in fact, a series of parodies upon unfortunate Mr. Horace Smith,—and it is paying the author no compliment to say that his mimicry (with all its imperfections) deserves to outlive the ponderous original.”
“The author’s goal,” said the Quarterly Review, in January 1828, “is to mock the Brambletye House type of novel; and for this reason, we’re given a historical romance that an author from Brambletye House, thriving in Barbados 200 or 2,000 years from now, we’re not sure which, nor is that particularly important, might reasonably be expected to write about the characters, customs, and events of the time and place in which we live * * * * The book is, essentially, a series of parodies aimed at the unfortunate Mr. Horace Smith—and it’s not much of a compliment to the author to say that his imitation (with all its flaws) deserves to be remembered longer than the heavy original.”
But Whitehall is itself, almost as heavy and as tedious, as the work it parodies.
But Whitehall is itself nearly as burdensome and monotonous as the work it mocks.
Robert Louis Stevenson
Robert Louis Stevenson
The strange case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, by Robert Louis Stevenson. This weird and powerful story was dramatised by Mr. T. Russell Sullivan, and produced at the Lyceum Theatre in August 1888, Mr. Richard Mansfield performed the two title parts.
The strange case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, by Robert Louis Stevenson. This unusual and intense story was adapted for the stage by Mr. T. Russell Sullivan and produced at the Lyceum Theatre in August 1888. Mr. Richard Mansfield played both title roles.
261 Another, but very inferior version, was brought out at the Opera Comique, London, by Mr. Bandmann about the same time, which the critics very unkindly laughed at as a ridiculous burlesque. Legal proceedings, however, soon compelled Mr. Bandmann to withdraw his unfortunate adaptation, and hurriedly close the theatre.
The Strange case of the Prime Minister and Mr. Muldoon, by Arthur Law, (London, 1886) was a sixpenny political pamphlet written to ridicule the Earl of Granville, Lord Hartington, Mr. Parnell and Mr. Gladstone.
The Strange case of the Prime Minister and Mr. Muldoon, by Arthur Law, (London, 1886) was a sixpenny political pamphlet written to mock the Earl of Granville, Lord Hartington, Mr. Parnell, and Mr. Gladstone.
The best thing in it was the following little parody:—
The best part of it was the following little parody:—
The Pirate’s Hand. A Romance of Heredity. By the Author of “The Strange case of Doctor Shuffle and Mister Glyde.” London, “Judy” office, 1888.
The Pirate’s Hand. A Romance of Heredity. By the Author of “The Strange Case of Doctor Shuffle and Mister Glyde.” London, “Judy” office, 1888.
Jonathan Swift.
Jonathan Swift
Hints to Servants; being a poetical and modernised version of Dean Swift’s celebrated “Directions to Servants.” By an Upper Servant. 1843.
Hints to Servants; a poetic and updated take on Dean Swift’s famous “Directions to Servants.” By an Upper Servant. 1843.
Swift himself wrote some burlesques, amongst them one in prose, A Meditation on a Broomstick, in imitation of the style of the Hon. Robert Boyle’s Meditations.
Swift himself wrote some parodies, including one in prose, A Meditation on a Broomstick, mimicking the style of the Hon. Robert Boyle’s Meditations.
His witty Directions to Servants, and The Polite and Ingenious Conversations, satirical and frequently indecent as they are, are also burlesques of their topics, treated in a very original manner.
His clever Directions to Servants and The Polite and Ingenious Conversations, which are satirical and often inappropriate, are also parodies of their subjects, approached in a very unique way.
Various imitations of the Directions to Servants have been written.
Various versions of the Directions to Servants have been written.
Swift’s Tale of a Tub Reversed for the universal improvement of mankind. 1750.
Swift’s Tale of a Tub Reversed for the general betterment of humanity. 1750.
Gulliver Revived; or, the Vice of Lying properly Exposed, containing singular travels, campaigns, adventures, &c. by Baron Munchausen, also, a Sequel to the Adventures dedicated to Bruce, the Abyssinian Traveller. 1789-92.
Gulliver Revived; or, the Problem of Lying Properly Exposed, featuring unique travels, campaigns, adventures, etc. by Baron Munchausen, along with a Sequel to the Adventures dedicated to Bruce, the Abyssinian Traveler. 1789-92.
Lilliput, being a new journey to that celebrated island, with an account of the manners, customs, &c., of those famous little people, by Lemuel Gulliver, 1766.
Lilliput, a new journey to that famous island, with a description of the lifestyle, customs, etc., of those well-known little people, by Lemuel Gulliver, 1766.
A political skit. The names are thinly disguised by the transposition of letters.
A political skit. The names are slightly altered by changing the order of the letters.
Voyage to Locuta; a Fragment, with etchings and notes of illustrations. By Lemuel Gulliver Junr. London, J. Hatchard 1818. A curious little grammatical work written in the form of an allegory, and as a sequel to Gulliver’s travels. (Scarce).
Voyage to Locuta; a Fragment, with etchings and notes of illustrations. By Lemuel Gulliver Jr. London, J. Hatchard 1818. An interesting small grammar work written as an allegory, and serving as a sequel to Gulliver’s travels. (Hard to find).
Gulliver and Munchausen outdone, by Peter Vangergoose. London, 1807.
Gulliver and Munchausen outdone, by Peter Vangergoose. London, 1807.
W. M. Thackeray.
W. M. Thackeray.
The Coachman, the Cook, and their Prodigy the Page. By Wm. Breakpeace Thwackaway.
The Coachman, the Cook, and their Prodigy the Page. By Wm. Breakpeace Thwackaway.
See The Shilling Book of Beauty. This parody was written by the late J. H. Friswell.
See The Shilling Book of Beauty. This parody was written by the late J. H. Friswell.
Mrs. Tippikens’ Yellow Velvet Cape. By W. M. Thwackaway. (With an illustration by the author).
Mrs. Tippikens’ Yellow Velvet Cape. By W. M. Thwackaway. (With an illustration by the author).
See The Puppet Showman’s Album. This little brochure also contains prose imitations of Lytton, G. P. R. James, B. Disraeli, C. Dickens, Charles Lever, T. Carlyle, W. H. Ainsworth, Douglas Jerrold, W. S. Landor, Mrs. Trollope, J. W. Croker and Albert Smith, most of which have already been quoted.
See The Puppet Showman’s Album. This small brochure also includes prose imitations of Lytton, G. P. R. James, B. Disraeli, C. Dickens, Charles Lever, T. Carlyle, W. H. Ainsworth, Douglas Jerrold, W. S. Landor, Mrs. Trollope, J. W. Croker, and Albert Smith, most of which have already been quoted.
Anthony Trollope.
Anthony Trollope.
The Beadle! or, the Latest Chronicle of Small-Beerjester, by Anthony Dollop. Punch, 1880.
The Beadle! or, the Latest Chronicle of Small-Beerjester, by Anthony Dollop. Punch, 1880.
The Age of Lawn-Tennis. After Anthony Trollope. See Tennis Cuts and Quips. London, Field and Tuer.
The Age of Lawn-Tennis. After Anthony Trollope. See Tennis Cuts and Quips. London, Field and Tuer.
Edmund Yates.
Edmund Yates.
Ba! Ba! Black Sheep. An imitation, with a portrait of Mr. Yates, appeared in The Mask. London. June, 1868.
Ba! Ba! Black Sheep. An imitation, along with a portrait of Mr. Yates, was published in The Mask. London. June, 1868.
——:o:——
——:o:——
Guy Dyingstone, or the Muscular Patrician. A burlesque Novel by Walter Parke. Funny Folks, 1875.
Guy Dyingstone, or the Muscular Patrician. A burlesque Novel by Walter Parke. Funny Folks, 1875.
Guy Deadstone. Another burlesque of “Guy Livingstone,” by the same author, appeared in Judy, 1869.
Guy Deadstone. Another parody of “Guy Livingstone,” by the same author, was published in Judy, 1869.
The Desperado of the Wilderness: or, The Maid, the Murderer, and the Demon Huntsman of Ashantee. This was a thrilling narrative of the “Boys of England” type, it appeared in Gleanings from “The Blue” 1881.
The Desperado of the Wilderness: or, The Maid, the Murderer, and the Demon Huntsman of Ashantee. This was an exciting story in the style of the “Boys of England,” it was published in Gleanings from “The Blue” in 1881.
Our Boys Novelist, being stories of Wild Sport for the Youths of all Nations, with illustrations of the correctly exaggerated type by Harry Furniss, appeared in Punch, 1882.
Our Boys Novelist, featuring stories of wild adventures for young people from all nations, along with illustrations of the humorously exaggerated kind by Harry Furniss, was published in Punch, 1882.
PROGRAMMES AND PROCESSIONS.
YE ANNUALE WHYTEBAITE DINNER
The Annual Whitebait Dinner
OF
OF
HYR MAJESTYE’S MINISTERS,
HER MAJESTY'S MINISTERS,
On Wednesdaie, ye 14th August, 1878,
On Wednesday, the 14th August, 1878,
Atte ye Hostelrie yclept
At the called Hostel
Ye Shippe, atte Greenwiche.
The Ship, at Greenwich.
This Bille of ye Fare is drawn in playne Englysh, without any cloake of Frenche or other foreygne tongue, for the sadde and sobere comforte of frendes, and that ye maye know what ye are asked to accept.
This bill of the fare is written in plain English, without any disguise of French or other foreign language, for the serious and sober comfort of friends, and so that you may know what you are being asked to accept.
Ye Bille of ye Fare.
The Bill of the Fare.
Ye Soupe.
The Soup.
Soupe made from ye Turtle, and alsoe
Soupe made from the Turtle, and also
Soupe made from ye Greene Fatte of ye same.
Soupe made from the green fat of the same.
Ye Fyshe.
The Fish.
Ye Flounders curyously cooked, and
Ye Flounders curiously cooked, and
Salmonne servyd inne lyke mannere.
Salmon served in the same way.
Ryssoles of ye Lobstere.
Lobster fritters.
Ye lyttel Soles, fryed.
The little suns, fried.
Ye Pudynges of ye Whyting.
The Puddings of the White.
Ye Eles skynned and stewed inne ye riche wyne of Oporto.
The elves skinned and stewed in the rich wine of Oporto.
Ye Omelette of Crabbe inne ye style as servyd to ye Guardes of ye Blue Seale.
The Crab Omelette in the style served to the Guards of the Blue Seal.
Ye Troute from ye River Spey, grylled with ye sauce of Tartar.
The trout from the River Spey, grilled with tartar sauce.
Salmonne inne collopes, with ye sauce inne ye Cyprus fashonne.
Salmon cooked in layers, with the sauce in the Cyprus style.
Ye Whytebaite, be-frizzled, and alsoe be-devylled.
Ye Whytebaite, frizzy and also devilish.
Fleshe and Fowle.
Flesh and Fowl.
Sweetbreades with ye Mushroomes added thereunto.
Sweetbreads with mushrooms added.
Ye Haunche of ye Royale Bucke, with Haricotte Beans servyd therewith.
The Haunch of the Royal Buck, served with Haricotte Beans.
Ye Antient Hamme, from ye Citye of Yorke, grylled inne wyne of Champagne.
The Ancient Ham, from the City of York, cooked in Champagne wine.
Ye Grouse from ye Northe Countree.
The Grouse from the North Country.
Hogge Bacone and younge Beanes.
Hog Bacon and Young Beans.
Ye Sweetes, &c.
Ye Sweeties, &c.
Apprycottes flavoured with Noyau.
Apricots flavored with Noyau.
Pudynges iced, after ye Nesselrode mannere.
Puddings iced, made in the Nesselrode style.
Lyttel Cakes made with ye Cheese from Parma, inne Italie.
Lyttel Cakes made with the cheese from Parma, in Italy.
Ye Ices flavoured with Oranges and Strauberres.
The ice creams flavored with oranges and strawberries.
Divers Fruytes which are your Desertes, and ye Wynes of Champagne and manie outlandysh countrees.
Divers fruits that are your desserts, and the wines from Champagne and many foreign countries.
Ye Dinner will be servyd after ye mannere of ye Russian people.
The dinner will be served in the style of the Russian people.
Ye Guestes are bydden to eate after ye Hungarie mannere.
You guests are invited to eat in the Hungarian style.
W. T. Bale, Mastere.
W. T. Bale, Master.
——:o:——
——:o:——
Miss Louisa Alcorn, a musical lady of New York, gave a dinner to a party of operatic friends. Here is the menu:—
Miss Louisa Alcorn, a musical woman from New York, hosted a dinner for a group of friends from the opera. Here is the menu:—
Overture of Blue points.
Soup with vermicelli obligato.
Crabs al largo.
Andante of Veal.
Maccaroni scherzo.
Gavotte of Pork and Beans.
Pepper Sauce allegretto.
Roast Beef maestoso.
Tomato torcata, and bourrée of Yorkshire pudding.
Ducks with accompaniments in P.’s.
Game (in not too high a key).
A symphony in Sweets.
Overture of Blue points.
Soup with vermicelli as a must.
Crabs by the sea.
Andante of Veal.
Macaroni scherzo.
Gavotte of Pork and Beans.
Pepper Sauce allegretto.
Roast Beef maestoso.
Tomato torcata, and bourrée of Yorkshire pudding.
Ducks with sides in P.’s.
Game (not too intense).
A symphony in Sweets.
——:o:——
——:o:——
The following was the menu of the Capital Club dinner, held on January 31st 1885.
The following was the menu for the Capital Club dinner, held on January 31, 1885.
MENU.
Menu.
“Man shall not live by bread alone.”—Matthew iv., 4.
“People can't survive on bread alone.”—Matthew 4:4.
[Entries close at 8 o’clock. Open to all members. Start from scratch.]
[Entries close at 8 PM. Open to all members. Start from the beginning.]
Oysters.
Oysters.
Bluepoints, double geared. Fluted forks.
Bluepoints, double geared. Fluted forks.
Soup.
Soup.
Volaille au Riz l’Allemande tra la la le.
Volaille au Riz à l’Allemande tra la la le.
Fish.
Fish.
Red Snapper, elliptical backbone, Shrimp sauce.
Hollandaise Potatoes, tandem.
Red Snapper, oval spine, Shrimp sauce.
Hollandaise Potatoes, in pairs.
Releve.
Lift.
Saddle of Southdown mutton, long distance.
Capon braise, a la Toulouse, not too loose.
Saddle of Southdown lamb, long distance.
Capon braise, à la Toulouse, not too loose.
Entrees.
Main dishes.
Filet de Bœuf, piqué, with laced spokes.
Cotelettes de Mouton, with power traps.
Spring Chicken, fried, with noiseless ratchets.
Quail on toast, with rat-trap pedals.
Punch, a la Cardinal, Pope M’f’g Company.
Filet of Beef, pierced, with laced spokes.
Lamb Chops, with power traps.
Fried Spring Chicken, with silent ratchets.
Quail on toast, with rat-trap pedals.
Punch, a la Cardinal, Pope M’f’g Company.
Game.
Video game.
Canvas Back Duck, buckled, with Croton Waste.
Venison, with Currant Jelly, shrunk on.
Pool, with set ups. Billiards, with ball-bearings.
Canvasback duck, secured, with Croton waste.
Venison, with currant jelly, reduced.
Pool, with setups. Billiards, with ball bearings.
Salads.
Salads.
Lobsters narrow-tread. Chicken, with gunmetal hubs.
Lobsters walk with a narrow tread. Chicken, with metallic hubs.
Vegetables.
Vegetables.
Green Peas, droped forged. Sweet Corn, half-nickled.
Baked Mashed Potatoes, on the dead centre.
Stewed Tomatoes, anti-friction.
Green peas, dropped and forged. Sweet corn, half-pickled.
Baked mashed potatoes, in the dead center.
Stewed tomatoes, non-stick.
Dessert.
Dessert.
Tapioca Pudding, non-corrodent sauce.
Assorted Cakes, enamelled and striped.
Strawberry Ice Cream, on one wheel.
Macaroons, Invincible double section hollow rims.
Fruits, sociable. Champagne Jelly, hands-off.
Roquefort Cheese, hill climbing.
Tapioca Pudding, non-corrosive sauce.
Assorted Cakes, glazed and striped.
Strawberry Ice Cream, served in a cone.
Macaroons, unbeatable double-section hollow rims.
Fruits, social. Champagne Jelly, no-touch.
Roquefort Cheese, hiking.
Liquors.
Alcohol.
French Coffee. Aqua Pura, Glace à la Artesian.
French Coffee. Pure Water, Artisan Ice.
Music by Schrœder.
Music by Schrödinger.
——:o:——
——:o:——
Prescription for feelin’ bad.
Prescription for feeling bad.
| iii gr. Aquy pury. | ||
| About ¼ pint Whiskii Hyberniæ. | ||
| ⅛ inch Lemoni | } | ad discretionem. |
| iii dr. Lumpi sugari | ||
Mixiter cum crusher.
Mixer with crusher.
Directions for application.
Application instructions.
Foment the interior of the mouth with ⅛ of the mixture. Shortly after use ⅛ as a gargle, the same to be washed down with the remainder forthwithly.
Foment the inside of the mouth with ⅛ of the mixture. Soon after using ⅛ as a gargle, wash it down with the rest right away.
The Hornet, 1871.
The Hornet, 1871.
——:o:——
——:o:——
UN-OFFICIAL PROGRAMME
UN-OFFICIAL PROGRAM
OF THE
OF THE
LORD MAYOR’S SHOW for 1884.
LORD MAYOR’S SHOW 1884.
By Deputy Chaff-Wax.
By Deputy Chaff-Wax.
(This is much too long to be given in full)
(This is way too long to be shared in full)
The Services of the City Trumpeters will be dispensed with, the Lord Mayor having signified his intention of blowing his own, for which service he is eminently qualified.
The City Trumpeters will no longer be needed, as the Lord Mayor has announced his plan to play his own trumpet, a role for which he is well-suited.
Alderman Savory
Councilman Savory
Will enliven the March by singing scraps of Dr. Watts’ hymns.
Will brighten up March by singing bits of Dr. Watts' hymns.
Alderman H. T. Waterlow
Alderman H. T. Waterlow
(the Alphabet Alderman) is to be escorted by the twenty-six electors who made him an Alderman and Magistrate for life!!!
(the Alphabet Alderman) is to be accompanied by the twenty-six electors who elected him as an Alderman and Magistrate for life!!!
Sir John Bennett and Alderman Hadley
Sir John Bennett and Alderman Hadley
will march arm-in-arm in sack-cloth and ashes doing penance for their presumption.
will walk side by side in sackcloth and ashes, atoning for their arrogance.
The Banners of the City Knights will be emblazoned with the new device:—
The flags of the City Knights will be decorated with the new design:—
“REAL TURTLE AND MOCK TITLES”
"REAL TURTLE AND FAKE TITLES"
The Banner of Alderman Teetotum Whitehead bearing the Inscription
The banner of Alderman Teetotum Whitehead with the inscription
“VIDEO MELIORA PROBOQUE DETERIORA SEQUOR.”
"I see better things and choose worse."
Captain Shaw of the Fire Brigade
Captain Shaw of the Fire Brigade
will attend with his own hose, and if necessary, to restrain the enthusiastic reception of the Lord Mayor, will play upon the people.
will attend with his own hose, and if necessary, to hold back the excited welcome of the Lord Mayor, will entertain the crowd.
BUMBLEDOM
Bumbledom
Is to be represented by all the Companies and Parish Beadles and Jacks in office in London, with cocked hats, gold lace, mace, cinnamon, &c.
Is to be represented by all the Companies and Parish Beadles and Jacks in office in London, wearing cocked hats, gold lace, carrying a mace, cinnamon, etc.
Banner of Lord Mayor Fowler,
with the device
The motto for Liberals permit me to mention,
“Bradlaugh and Blasphemy” is my invention.
Banner of Mayor Fowler,
with the device
The motto for Liberals that I came up with is,
“Bradlaugh and Blasphemy.”
Major Sewell and Sir T. Nelson
Will exhibit the Secret Service Cash Book.
The Splendid Banner of the League, with the device—
“WHY SHOULD LONDON WAIT,”
Borne by Messrs. Firth, Beal, Lloyd, and Phillips.
Major Sewell and Sir T. Nelson
Will showcase the Secret Service Cash Book.
The Impressive Banner of the League, featuring the slogan—
“WHY SHOULD LONDON WAIT,”
Carried by Messrs. Firth, Beal, Lloyd, and Phillips.
A Cartoon of Lazarus and Dives
representing
On one side—Civic Satraps dining—
On the other, “Out-cast London”—pining.
A cartoon of Lazarus and Dives representing
On one side—Wealthy officials dining—
On the other, “Outcast London”—suffering.
ONE POLICEMAN ARM-IN-ARM.
The City Marshall on Horseback Singing,
“Let me Like a Soldier Fall.”
ONE POLICEMAN ARM-IN-ARM.
The City Marshall on Horseback Singing,
“Let me Like a Soldier Fall.”
A DISSOLVING VIEW
of the odious Coal and Wine Dues,
(The Metropolitan Board doing a Break-down.)
A DISSOLVING VIEW
of the unpleasant Coal and Wine Taxes,
(The Metropolitan Board experiencing a breakdown.)
Deputy Bedford,
the City Wag, will join the procession at Temple Bar,
where he will await it on his £12,000 Griffin.
Deputy Bedford,
the City Jester, will join the parade at Temple Bar,
where he will wait for it on his £12,000 Griffin.
THE WONDERFUL BILL OF THE CIVIC
BANQUET WHICH COST £27,000!!!
Will be carried by the Common Councilmen who ate it,
to amuse the people who paid for it.
THE WONDERFUL BILL OF THE CIVIC
BANQUET WHICH COST £27,000!!!
Will be brought to you by the Common Council members who enjoyed it,
to entertain the people who footed the bill.
The Sheriffs
will be preceded by the band of the Rueful Brigade, playing
selections from Madame Hang-o’.
The Sheriffs
will be preceded by the band of the Rueful Brigade, playing
selections from Madame Hang-o’.
The Trophies of our Colonies will be followed by the
TROPHIES of our LONDON SLUMS, followed by
NEMESIS!!
The accomplishments of our colonies will be succeeded by the __A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__.
ACHIEVEMENTS of our LONDON SLUMS, followed by
JUSTICE!!
The Rt. Hon. Sir Wm. Vernon Harcourt, M.P.,
Will ask the populace at every stoppage
“If they will submit to the dictation of the Leeds Caucus
and suffer the Constitution to be tinkered at, while the heart
of the Empire is suffering from congestion.”
The Right Honorable Sir William Vernon Harcourt, M.P.,
Will ask the public at every stop
“If they will let the Leeds Caucus dictate to them
and allow the Constitution to be messed with, while the heart
of the Empire is in distress.”
The Banner of the Union
Will be followed by the 90,000 London Paupers.
The Union Flag
Will be followed by the 90,000 London homeless.
THE LATE LORD MAYOR
Will be serenaded by the Vauxhall Water Co.’s Share-holders—“Good
Night—Good Knight,” &c.
THE LATE LORD MAYOR
Will be serenaded by the Vauxhall Water Co.’s Shareholders—“Good Night—Good Knight,” & etc.
Lord Mayor Fowler
Mayor Fowler
Will be preceded by a Herald who will announce the fact that his Lordship represents some 200 nobodies and will shine for 12 months in the reflected light of FOUR MILLIONS, but in consideration of his gentleness, dignity, and urbanity, and in the hope that he will be
Will be preceded by a Herald who will announce that his Lordship represents about 200 people of no importance and will bask for 12 months in the reflected glory of FOUR MILLIONS, but out of respect for his kindness, dignity, and politeness, and in hopes that he will be
THE LAST OF THE SHAMS
He must be tolerated accordingly.
THE LAST OF THE SHAMS
He must be tolerated accordingly.
This tomfoolery now will be brought to a close in a very appropriate way, sir,
By Alderman Finis and Corpulent Innes, and Alderman Polly Decay Sir.
This nonsense will now be wrapped up in a fitting manner, sir,
By Alderman Finis and Corpulent Innes, and Alderman Polly Decay, sir.
N.B.—The Chairman of the S. E. Rly. will be an hour behind time.—As usual.
N.B.—The Chairman of the S. E. Rly. will be one hour late.—As usual.
——:o:——
——:o:——
THE LORD MAYORS SHOW, 1884.
The Lord Mayor's Show, 1884.
Mounted Police clearing five-barred gates. City Police clearing their throats.
Mounted Police opening five-barred gates. City Police clearing their throats.
The Mayors of Brighton, Ramsgate, and Margate in Bathing
Machines drawn by their own Horses.
A lot of people whom nobody knows in hired flys.
The mayors of Brighton, Ramsgate, and Margate in bathing
machines pulled by their own horses.
A bunch of people no one knows in rented carriages.
THE COMPANY OF POLITICIANS.
The Premier, Axing his way.
Sir William Harcourt, with Municipal Bill, arm-in-arm.
One hundred Members of the House of Peers, in
morning dress.
The old Chain Pier from Brighton in full armour.
The Faithful Wimbledon, Wandsworth and Putney
Commons.
THE COMPANY OF POLITICIANS.
The Prime Minister, clearing his path.
Sir William Harcourt, with the Municipal Bill, side by side.
One hundred Members of the House of Peers, in formal attire.
The old Chain Pier from Brighton fully equipped.
The Loyal Wimbledon, Wandsworth, and Putney Commons.
THE COMPANY OF PAINTERS.
Twenty Royal Academicians, in beautiful modern costumes,
in a chariot Drawn by Themselves!!
THE COMPANY OF PAINTERS.
Twenty Royal Academicians, dressed in stylish modern outfits, in a chariot Drawn by Themselves!!
THE COMPANY OF WRITERS.
Lord Tennyson, in his Inverness cape and coronet.
Professor Ruskin, anyhow.
A round dozen of the Incorporated Society of Authors,
assorted.
THE COMPANY OF WRITERS.
Lord Tennyson, wearing his Inverness cape and crown.
Professor Ruskin, in any case.
A full dozen from the Incorporated Society of Authors, mixed.
THE COMPANY OF PLAYERS.
Mr. Toole drawing a House.
Walking Gentlemen coming slowly as “Strollers”
The Jersey Lily and Lyceum Mary, as Sandwich Girls,
carrying Somebody’s Soft Soap.
THE COMPANY OF PLAYERS.
Mr. Toole sketching a House.
Gentlemen walking leisurely as “Strollers.”
The Jersey Lily and Lyceum Mary, as sandwich girls, carrying someone’s soft soap.
THE COMPANY OF WARRIORS.
Our Only General, in his only uniform.
Our Only Admiral, a little out of date.
Ironclads on horseback. Each mounted on an old screw.
THE COMPANY OF WARRIORS.
Our One and Only General, in his unique uniform.
Our One and Only Admiral, slightly outdated.
Ironclads on horseback. Each riding an old screw.
THE COMPANY OF ROYALTIES.
Royalties on Songs, Royalties on Books, Royalties on
everything.
Mr. George Grossmith as “The Susceptible Chancellor,”
followed by all The Judges of Wine, of
Pictures, of Plays, and The Judge of the Race
in his own private box.
THE COMPANY OF ROYALTIES.
Royalties on Songs, Royalties on Books, Royalties on
everything.
Mr. George Grossmith as “The Susceptible Chancellor,”
followed by all The Judges of Wine, of
Pictures, of Plays, and The Race Judge
in his own private box.
THE RIGHT HONOURABLE THE LORD MAYOR,
as “A Positive,” bearing banner with motto
“Photo de Mieux,”
In his State Robes,
Supported by the Stereoscopic Company.
THE RIGHT HONOURABLE THE LORD MAYOR,
as “A Positive,” carrying a banner with the motto
“Photo de Mieux,”
In his formal robes,
Supported by the Stereoscopic Company.
The Procession will be closed by
A Negative of the Late Lord Mayor
Accompanied by a Band playing “Love for a Year!”
The Procession will be closed by
A Photo of the Late Lord Mayor
Accompanied by a Band playing “Love for a Year!”
Punch.
Punch.
——:o:——
——:o:——
HOW THEY’LL OPEN THE INVENTORIES.
HOW THEY’LL ACCESS THE INVENTORIES.
Massed Steel Band,
Composed of Eminent Surgeons, playing on their Surgical
Instruments.
Tune—“The Savile Row Lancers.”
Specimens of Agricultural Implements, marshalled by a
Steam Drill Master.
Steam Ploughs and their Chères, arm in arm.
Thrashing Machines following in the beaten track.
A detachment of Devonshire Hinds (hinder part before).
Delegates from the National Agricultural Labourers’
Union, bearing their own Triumphal “Arch.”
Band, playing “The Cameras are coming.”
Photographic Apparatus, focussing and swearing.
264
Miss Mary Anderson, drawn in a brightly-coloured “carte”
Two Negatives making a Positive.
Two Positivists taking a Negative.
A Photographic Sportsman taking a Fence.
Band, playing “The Harp that once through Tara’s
Halls,” and the Tune the old cow died of.
Cue-rious Instruments, headed by two “Jiggers.”
“P-an’-O” Boats, with sales set on the Three Years’
Hire System.
The first pair of “Lyres” ever discovered.
A Predatory Brass Band, playing “Band-ditties.”
Sample of the “Horns” originally exalted in the East.
“Cavendish,” playing “The Last Trump.”
Deputation from the “Portland,” playing little Clubs.
Mr. Charles Warner, singing his “Last Chaunts.”
Gold Band, playing “All round my hat.”
Novel Inventions three abreast.
Miss Braddon and “Ouida” inventing plots.
Padding.
Dramatists inventing Situations.
More Padding.
Hydraulic Presses collecting Water Rates.
Captive Balloonatics (with their Keepers).
Armour-plated “Monitors.” Lent by the King’s College
School authorities.
Fountains, playing Handel’s “Water Music.”
A Thames Angler, playing a Fish.
Band of Swindlers, playing False Cards.
Diplomatic Inventions à la Russe.
The latest thing in Despatches Invented by General
Komaroff.
Band of Diplomatists, playing the Fool.
Massed Steel Band,
Made up of Top Surgeons, playing their Surgical
Instruments.
Tune—“The Savile Row Lancers.”
Showcase of Agricultural Tools, led by a
Steam Drill Master.
Steam Plows and their Chères, side by side.
Thrashing Machines following along the path.
A group of Devonshire Hinds (back side first).
Representatives from the National Agricultural Labourers’
Union, carrying their own Triumphal “Arch.”
Band, playing “The Cameras are coming.”
Photography Gear, focusing and complaining.
264
Miss Mary Anderson, featured in a brightly-coloured “carte”
Two Negatives making a Positive.
Two Positivists getting a Negative.
A Photographic Sportsman taking a Jump.
Band, playing “The Harp that once through Tara’s
Halls,” and the Tune the old cow died from.
Curious Instruments, led by two “Jiggers.”
“P-an’-O” Boats, with sales set on a Three-Year
Lease System.
The first pair of “Lyres” ever found.
A Predatory Brass Band, playing “Band-ditties.”
Sample of the “Horns” originally celebrated in the East.
“Cavendish,” playing “The Last Trump.”
Delegation from the “Portland,” playing little Clubs.
Mr. Charles Warner, singing his “Last Chaunts.”
Gold Band, playing “All around my hat.”
New Inventions three in a row.
Miss Braddon and “Ouida” creating plots.
Padding.
Playwrights creating Situations.
More Padding.
Hydraulic Presses collecting Water Rates.
Captive Balloonists (with their Keepers).
Armored “Monitors.” Lent by the King’s College
School authorities.
Fountains, playing Handel’s “Water Music.”
A Thames Angler, catching a Fish.
Band of Swindlers, playing Fake Cards.
Diplomatic Innovations à la Russe.
The latest in Dispatches Invented by General
Komaroff.
Band of Diplomatists, playing the Fool.
Funny Folks, May, 1885.
Funny Folks, May 1885.
——:o:——
——:o:——
THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW, 1885.
THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW, 1885.
The following programme originally appeared in The Sporting Times, November 7, 1885. It has been found necessary to abbreviate it, partly because it was too long, and partly because it was too broad.
The following program originally appeared in The Sporting Times, November 7, 1885. It has been necessary to shorten it, partly because it was too lengthy, and partly because it was too wide-ranging.
Next Monday this time-honoured procession will once more perambulate the streets, squares, ponds, reservoirs, and bars of the metropolis. Every one being sick of the Guildhall, it will this year start from Bow Street, passing by the stage-door of the Gaiety Theatre, proceeding through the Gaiety grill room, into Prosser’s Avenue. The procession will then proceed vià Drury Lane Theatre to the Royal, returning by Rules’ in Maiden Lane, down to Romano’s. Thence, if not interfered with by the police, and still sufficiently sober to proceed, it will march to the Criterion, en route for Hatchett’s. After that its course is a trifle uncertain. The order of the procession will be as follows:—
Next Monday, this traditional procession will once again make its way through the streets, squares, ponds, reservoirs, and bars of the city. Since everyone is tired of the Guildhall, this year it will start from Bow Street, passing by the stage door of the Gaiety Theatre, going through the Gaiety grill room, and into Prosser’s Avenue. The procession will then continue via Drury Lane Theatre to the Royal, before making its way back by Rules’ in Maiden Lane, down to Romano’s. From there, if the police don’t interfere and everyone is still sober enough to continue, it will march to the Criterion, on the way to Hatchett’s. After that, its route is a bit uncertain. The order of the procession will be as follows:—
POLICE UNARMED WITH REVOLVERS.
Burglars Beating Police.
Police Armed with Revolvers.
Ambulance Waggons
Containing
Respectable Citizens shot down as Burglars.
POLICE WITHOUT REVOLVERS.
Burglars Attacking Police.
Police Equipped with Revolvers.
Ambulance Vehicles
Carrying
Respectable Citizens shot down as Burglars.
BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY
OF LUMBERERS.
Banner of the Banner of the
Punching Machine. Lord Chief Justice.
The Lumberer’s Band.
BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF LUMBERERS.
Banner of the Banner of the
Punching Machine. Lord Chief Justice.
The Lumberer’s Band.
Triumphal Car depicting Early English Industries. On this vehicle, kindly lent by the Worshipful Company of Card Makers, will be depicted, as the procession rolls by, the whole Art and Science of faking the broads, cutting longs and shorts, of dealing the long hand, and abundances at Solo.
Triumphal Car showcasing Early English Industries. On this vehicle, generously provided by the Worshipful Company of Card Makers, the entire Art and Science of faking the broads, cutting longs and shorts, dealing the long hand, and plenty at Solo will be displayed as the procession goes by.
Welshers who have passed into Tattersall’s.
Welshers who have been chucked while endeavouring
to pass into Tattersall’s.
Welsh people who have succeeded
BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY
OF BAT MAKERS.
Banner of J. L. Shine. Banner of John Coleman.
BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF BAT MAKERS.
Banner of J. L. Shine. Banner of John Coleman.
BANNER OF LADY ARCHIE CAMPBELL.
The Bat Band.
Air: “Batti! Batti!”
BANNER OF LADY ARCHIE CAMPBELL.
The Bat Band.
Air: “Batti! Batti!”
BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY
OF CHILDREN PROTECTORS.
Banner of Darby. Banner of Stead.
Banner of Booth. Banner of Blobbs.
BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY
OF CHILDREN PROTECTORS.
Banner of Darby. Banner of Stead.
Banner of Booth. Banner of Blobbs.
BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY
OF TAPEMAKERS.
Banner of the Albert Club.
The Governor of Holloway.
The Governor of Pentonville.
Late Friends of the Governor’s
on
Tickets of Leave.
Present Friends of the Governor’s on Treadmills.
Aldermen who have passed the chair.
Aldermen who have passed the bottle.
Aldermen who have passed nothing.
Banner of Beecham. Banner of Cockle.
Banner bearing motto, “N. S.”
Banner bearing motto, “Refer to Drawer.”
Banner bearing motto, “No Account.”
Banner of Sewage Banner of Billingsgate
Commissioners. Fish Ring.
Banner of Mudsalad Market.
Band of Her Majesty’s Scavengers.
BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY
OF TAPEMAKERS.
Banner of the Albert Club.
The Governor of Holloway.
The Governor of Pentonville.
Former Friends of the Governor’s
on
Tickets of Leave.
Current Friends of the Governor’s on Treadmills.
Aldermen who have taken the chair.
Aldermen who have taken the bottle.
Aldermen who have taken nothing.
Banner of Beecham. Banner of Cockle.
Banner featuring the motto, “N. S.”
Banner featuring the motto, “Refer to Drawer.”
Banner featuring the motto, “No Account.”
Banner of Sewage Banner of Billingsgate
Commissioners. Fish Ring.
Banner of Mudsalad Market.
Band of Her Majesty’s Scavengers.
THE LADY MAYORESS SHIFTER
In a Brompton ’Bus,
Attended by Her Landlady.
Banner of the Gaiety Theatre Canteen.
THE LADY MAYORESS SHIFTER
In a Brompton bus,
Accompanied by her landlady.
Banner of the Gaiety Theatre Canteen.
THE LORD MAYOR.
People with People with
Aquiline Noses. Snub Noses.
THE LORD MAYOR.
People with People with
Sharp Noses. Flat Noses.
TRIUMPHAL CAR, representing the Search For Chips
or
“Where is the Oofbird?”
TRIUMPHAL CAR, representing the Search For Chips
or
“Where is the Oofbird?”
——:o:——
——:o:——
THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW, 1886.
THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW, 1886.
(the Year of the Socialist Scare.)
(the Year of the Socialist Scare.)
It is stated that the Lord Mayor’s Show this year will be of an entirely novel character, and will be made up somewhat like this:—
It’s said that this year’s Lord Mayor’s Show will be totally unique and will be organized somewhat like this:—
THE CITY MARSHAL,
On horseback, glued to the saddle for the sake of safety.
THE CITY MARSHAL,
On horseback, securely seated in the saddle for safety.
Detachment of the Light Cavalry of the Very
Ancient and Still More Honourable Artillery
Company,
Dismounted for fear of accidents.
Detachment of the Light Cavalry of the Very Old and Even More Honorable Artillery Company,
Dismounted to prevent any accidents.
The Chief Commissioner of the City Police,
Escorted by a detachment of the Social Democratic
Federation.
The Chief Commissioner of the City Police,
Accompanied by a group from the Social Democratic Federation.
BANNER OF THE UNEMPLOYED.
Band of the United Order of German Musicians.
Banner of the Worshipful Company of City
Gorgers.
BANNER OF THE UNEMPLOYED.
Group of the United Order of German Musicians.
Banner of the Esteemed Company of City Gorgers.
BANNER OF CHARLES HARRIS, Esq.
Charles Harris, Esq.,
Seated on a triumphal car.
BANNER OF CHARLES HARRIS, Esquire
Charles Harris, Attorney,
Sitting on a victory chariot.
Banner of the Worshipful Company of Scene Shifters.
Banner of the Worshipful Company of Scene Shifters.
Band of the Royal Horse Marines. (Green).
Aldermen who have Passed the Bottle.
Aldermen who have not Passed the Bottle,
But have preferred to keep it near them.
Royal Horse Marines Band. (Green).
Aldermen Who Have Enjoyed a Drink.
Aldermen Who Haven't Had a Drink Together,
But have chosen to keep it close by.
Banner of the Worshipful company of Loan Mongers.
Banner of the Worshipful Company of Loan Mongers.
BANNER OF COMMISSIONER KERR.
COMMISSIONER KERR'S BANNER.
Band of the Royal Dismounted Infantry.
The Right Honourable the Lord Mayor’s
Carriage,
Containing the Sword and Mace Bearers, the Lord Mayor
being absent on other business.
Band of the Royal Dismounted Infantry.
The Right Honorable Lord Mayor's Carriage,
Including the Sword and Mace Bearers, with the Lord Mayor
unavailable due to other commitments.
Escort of the Royal Horse Marines. (Green).
RAG.
TAG.
BOBTAIL.
Escort of the Royal Horse Marines. (Green).
RAG.
TAG.
BOBTAIL.
It has been considered advisable to omit the scriptural quotations from the following reprint:—
It is recommended to remove the scriptural quotes from the following reprint:—
COPY OF A BILL WRITTEN BY THE LATE
REV. ROWLAND HILL,
which was stuck up at
RICHMOND,
On Saturday, 4th of June, 1774, close to the Play Bill
for that day.
The design was to divert the minds of the gay and dissipated,
from the vain amusements of the
THEATRE
And to fix their attention on the awful circumstances which
shall usher in, and succeed,
“The Great and Terrible Day of the Lord.”
COPY OF A BILL WRITTEN BY THE LATE
REV. ROWLAND HILL,
which was posted at
RICHMOND,
On Saturday, June 4, 1774, next to the Play Bill
for that day.
The purpose was to redirect the minds of the carefree and reckless,
from the empty entertainment of the
THEATRE
And to draw their attention to the serious events that will precede and follow,
“The Great and Terrible Day of the Lord.”
BY COMMAND OF THE KING OF KINGS,
and at the desire of all who love his appearing.
At the
THEATRE OF THE UNIVERSE
on the Eve of time, will be performed
THE GREAT ASSIZE
or
DAY OF JUDGMENT,
BY ORDER OF THE KING OF KINGS,
and at the request of all who look forward to his coming.
At the
THEATER OF THE UNIVERSE
on the Eve of time, will be presented
THE GREAT ASSIZE
or
Judgment Day,
THE SCENERY
THE VIEWS
Which is now actually preparing, will not only surpass everything that has yet been seen, but will infinitely exceed the utmost stretch of human conception. There will be a just REPRESENTATION of ALL THE INHABITANTS of the WORLD, in their various and proper colours; and their costumes and manners will be so exact, and so minutely delineated, that the most secret thought will be discovered.
Which is now actually being prepared will not only surpass everything that has been seen so far but will also exceed the furthest limits of human imagination. There will be an accurate REPRESENTATION of EVERYONE of the WORLD, in their various and appropriate colors; and their clothing and behavior will be so precise and so finely detailed that even the most private thoughts will be revealed.
This THEATRE will be laid out after a new plan, and will consist of
This THEATER will be designed according to a new plan, and will consist of
PIT & GALLERY
Pit & Gallery
only; and contrary to all others, the GALLERY is fitted up for the reception of Persons of High (or Heavenly) Birth, and the PIT for those of Low (or Earthly) Rank. N.B.—The GALLERY is very spacious, and the PIT without bottom.
only; and unlike all the others, the Gallery is designed for the reception of people of High (or Heavenly) Birth, while the PIT is for those of Low (or Earthly) Rank. N.B.—The GALLERY is quite spacious, and the PIT is seemingly endless.
To prevent inconvenience, there are separate doors for admitting the company; and they are so different that none can mistake that are not wilfully blind. The Door which opens into the GALLERY is very narrow, and the steps up to it somewhat difficult: for which reason there are seldom many people about it. But the Door that gives entrance into the PIT is very commodious: which causes such numbers to flock to it that it is generally crowded. N.B.—The straight Door leads towards the right hand, and the broad one to the left. It will be in vain for one in a tinselled coat and borrowed language to personate one of HIGH BIRTH in order to get admittance into the upper places, for there is One of wonderful and deep penetration who will search and examine every individual and all who cannot pronounce SHIBBOLETH in the language of Canaan, or has not received a white stone and a new name, or cannot prove a clear title to a certain portion of the LAND of PROMISE, must be turned in at the left door.
To avoid confusion, there are separate doors for letting people in, and they’re so distinct that no one can mistake them unless they're willfully ignoring the differences. The door that leads into the GALLERY is very narrow, and the steps up to it are pretty steep, which is why there aren’t usually many people around it. But the door that opens into the PIT is quite spacious, causing a large number of people to gather there, making it generally crowded. N.B.—The straight door goes to the right, and the wide one goes to the left. It’s pointless for someone in a fancy coat and borrowed language to pretend to be of HIGH BIRTH to gain access to the upper levels because there is someone of remarkable insight who will scrutinize every individual. Anyone who cannot pronounce SHIBBOLETH in the language of Canaan, has not received a white stone and a new name, or cannot prove clear ownership of a specific portion of the LAND of Promise, will be directed through the left door.
Act First.
of this grand and solemn piece will be opened by
AN ARCHANGEL WITH THE TRUMP OF GOD!!!
Take Action First.
of this grand and solemn piece will be opened by
AN ARCHANGEL WITH THE TRUMPET OF GOD!!!
act Second.
PROCESSION OF SAINTS
In white, with Golden Harps, accompanied with Shouts of
Joy and Songs of Praise.
act 2.
Saints Parade
Dressed in white, with golden harps, joined by shouts of
joy and songs of praise.
Act Third.
Act 3.
An ASSEMBLAGE of all THE UNREGENERATE, the music will chiefly consist of Cries, accompanied with WEEPING, WAILING, MOURNING, LAMENTATION, and WOE.
A gathering of all the unrepentant, the music will mainly consist of Cries, accompanied with Crying, sadness, mourning, lamenting, and Sorrow.
To conclude with an oration by
THE SON OF GOD.
To wrap up with a speech by
THE SON OF GOD.
After which the Curtain will drop.
After that, the curtain will fall.
Tickets for the PIT, at the easy purchase of following the pomps and vanities of the Fashionable World, and the desires and amusements of the Flesh, to be had at every Flesh-pleasing Assembly.
Tickets for the PIT are easily available by indulging in the trends and extravagances of the Fashionable World, and fulfilling the wants and pleasures of the Flesh, at every enjoyable gathering.
Tickets for the GALLERY, at no less rate than being converted, forsaking all, denying self, taking up the Cross, and following Christ in the Regeneration. To be had no where but in the word of God, and where that word appoints.
Tickets for the GALLERY, at no lower price than being transformed, giving up everything, denying oneself, taking up the Cross, and following Christ in the Renewal. Available only in the word of God, and where that word directs.
N.B.—No money will be taken at the door, nor will any Tickets give admittance into the Gallery but those sealed by the Lamb.
N.B.—No money will be accepted at the door, and only Tickets sealed by the Lamb will allow entry into the Gallery.
COMPANY PROSPECTUSES.
Company prospectuses.
Of late years the British public has been surfeited with the Prospectuses of new Limited Liability Companies; needy Lords and retired officers have been in great request for the Boards of Directors, they being precisely the two classes of men least likely to have any knowledge of business, or experience in commercial affairs.
Recently, the British public has been overwhelmed with the offerings of new Limited Liability Companies; desperate Lords and retired officers are in high demand for the Boards of Directors, as they are exactly the two groups of people least likely to have any understanding of business or experience in commercial matters.
Some of these Prospectuses have been so ridiculous in themselves that they read like burlesques, but numbers of amusing parodies of Company Prospectuses have also been published.
Some of these Prospectuses have been so absurd that they read like jokes, but many funny parodies of Company Prospectuses have also been published.
One of the best and earliest of these appeared in Blackwood’s Magazine, October 1845 during the great Railway Mania. It was written by Professor Aytoun, and was styled “How we got up the Glenmutchin Railway, and how we got out of it.”
One of the best and earliest of these appeared in Blackwood’s Magazine, October 1845 during the great Railway Mania. It was written by Professor Aytoun and was titled “How We Built the Glenmutchin Railway, and How We Got Out of It.”
This detailed the inception of a bogus Scotch Railway, and the prospectus of the Direct Glenmutchin Railway, with a list of the Directors, is one of the finest pieces of humorous writing in the language.
This described the start of a fake Scotch Railway, and the prospectus of the Direct Glenmutchin Railway, including a list of the Directors, is one of the best pieces of humorous writing in the language.
Another amusing parody was brought out some years ago, namely “The Gott-up Hotel Company, Limited,” with Sir Titus A. Drum, Baronet, as Chairman of the Directors.
Another entertaining parody was released a few years ago, titled “The Gott-up Hotel Company, Limited,” featuring Sir Titus A. Drum, Baronet, as the Chairman of the Directors.
When the Crown Prince of Portugal visited London in 1883, he went to Claridge’s Hotel, as he had not been invited to any of the Royal Palaces, this caused Mr. Punch to issue the following:—
When the Crown Prince of Portugal visited London in 1883, he stayed at Claridge’s Hotel because he hadn't been invited to any of the Royal Palaces. This led Mr. Punch to issue the following:—
PROMISING PROSPECTUS.
Promising Overview.
The Royal and Imperial Homeless and Wandering Visitors Hotel Company (Limited).
The Royal and Imperial Homeless and Wandering Visitors Hotel Company (Limited).
The Directors of this unique and magnificently conceived enterprise, undertaken with a view to supplying that now long experienced National want, a suitable palatial residence for Princes and Potentates found wandering in search of a fitting domicile about the back streets of the Metropolis, have much pleasure in informing their intended august Patrons, that their perfectly-appointed establishment will shortly open under the direction of a well-known and experienced retired Central-European Monarch, whose distinguished services they have had the honour to secure.
The Directors of this unique and brilliantly envisioned project, aimed at addressing the long-standing national need for an appropriate luxurious residence for Princes and Potentates looking for a fitting place among the back streets of the city, are pleased to inform their esteemed future patrons that their perfectly appointed establishment will soon open under the guidance of a well-known and experienced retired Central-European Monarch, whose distinguished services they have been honored to secure.
The following (extracted from the Company’s Abridged Prospectus) comprise a few of the leading features of the new establishment:—
The following (extracted from the Company’s Abridged Prospectus) includes some of the key features of the new establishment:—
The building will stand on a convenient and imposing site judiciously selected in the immediate vicinity of the Metropolitan District Railway Station, St. James’s Park, and within easy access of the Aquarium, Westminster Bridge, the House of Detention, and the Foreign Office.
The building will be located in a prime and impressive spot wisely chosen close to the Metropolitan District Railway Station, St. James’s Park, and easily accessible to the Aquarium, Westminster Bridge, the House of Detention, and the Foreign Office.
There will be no lettered name or title on the façade of the new Hotel, which will, with the object of giving rise to a pleasing illusion, be specially designed by the architect to resemble as far as possible that of a not far distant and generally unoccupied Royal Palace.
There won't be a lettered name or title on the façade of the new hotel. Instead, it will be uniquely designed by the architect to closely resemble a nearby, mostly unoccupied royal palace, creating a nice illusion.
A trained and certificated Diplomatist, who can speak several European languages fluently, will be permanently attached to the staff of the establishment, and will give his services gratis.
A trained and certified diplomat who is fluent in several European languages will be permanently part of the establishment's staff and will offer his services for free.
A couple of effective Sentry Boxes will also be placed at the principal entrance, and occupied permanently by two of the Company’s Private Soldiers, who, dressed in the correct uniform of Her Majesty’s Foot Guards, will be efficiently drilled for their duty.
A couple of effective Sentry Boxes will also be placed at the main entrance, and occupied permanently by two of the Company’s Private Soldiers, who, dressed in the proper uniform of Her Majesty Foot Guards, will be well trained for their duty.
Gold Sticks in Waiting will attend in the Hall for the purpose of receiving Royal and Imperial Visitors. They will also, if desired to do so, precede them to their respective apartments, walking backwards up-stairs for a small extra charge.
Gold Sticks in Waiting will be present in the Hall to welcome Royal and Imperial Visitors. If requested, they will also escort them to their respective rooms, walking backwards upstairs for a small additional fee.
The general scheme of the establishment will include several public Throne and Reading Rooms, A Privy Council Chamber, Gala Banquet Hall, and a series of excellent Billiard and Abdication Tables by the best makers.
The overall plan for the establishment will feature several public Throne and Reading Rooms, a Privy Council Chamber, a Gala Banquet Hall, and a set of top-notch Billiard and Abdication Tables made by the best craftsmen.
In order to meet the requirements of august personages who desire to be surrounded at a reasonable cost with such State accessories as are proper to their dignity and position, the subjoined Tariff of Prices has been carefully arranged by the Management, in the hope that it will be found not incompatible with a charge on the most moderate civil list:—
In order to satisfy the needs of esteemed individuals who want to be surrounded by appropriate state accessories at a reasonable price, the Management has carefully prepared the following Price List, hoping it will be compatible with a charge on the most modest civil list:—
| Tax. | |
| Private Royal or Imperial Sitting-Room (per day) | 5s. to 7s 6d. |
| (Ditto, ditto, with throne, 2s. 6d. extra.) | |
| Ditto Bed-Room (exclusive of light) | 3s. to 6s. |
| State Imperial ditto, with half-tester velvet canopy | 8s. |
| Double-bedded ditto (suitable for two Emperors) | 14s. |
| Breakfast, consisting of Tea or Coffee, with cold Meat, broiled Ham, or Eggs | 2s. 6d. |
| Ditto, ditto, with full Military Band outside | 3s. |
| Chop or Steak, with potatoes | 1s. 6d. |
| Ditto, ditto, with Salvos of Artillery at intervals | 1s. 9d. |
| State Dinner of Soup, or Fish, Entrées, Joint, with Cheese and Celery | 3s. 6d. |
| Ditto, ditto, including Toast-Master and Musical Grace | 5s. |
| Ditto, ditto, in Uniform, at High Table (if singly) | 1s. extra. |
| Gas Illumination on Exterior of Sitting-Room, according to device (per evening) | From 2s. to 10s. 6d. |
| Cup of Tea | 4d. |
| Ditto, on Throne | 6d. |
| Two Lancers to attend Cab or Carriage to Theatre or Reception (for first hour) | 1s. |
| For each succeeding hour | 6d. |
Daily crowd (with cheers), on entering or leaving hotel, by contract.
Daily crowd (with cheers), on entering or leaving the hotel, by contract.
Strictest attention paid to the slightest International prejudices.
Strictest attention given to the slightest international biases.
An ultimatum always ready on the premises.
An ultimatum always ready on-site.
Punch, December 22, 1883.
Punch, December 22, 1883.
——:o:——
——:o:——
A few extracts from the
A few excerpts from the
Prospectus of the Horse Shoe Hotel,
Prospectus of the Horse Shoe Hotel,
Tottenham Court Road, London.
Tottenham Court Road, London.
This hotel was built and arranged for the special comfort and convenience of the travelling public.
This hotel was designed and organized for the comfort and convenience of travelers.
On arrival, each guest will be asked how he likes the situation, and if he says the hotel ought to have been placed nearer the park or railway station, the location of the house will be immediately changed. Front rooms, on first floor, for each guest.
On arrival, each guest will be asked how they like the situation, and if they say the hotel should have been located closer to the park or railway station, the location will be immediately changed. Front rooms, on the first floor, for each guest.
Meals every minute if desired. Waiters of any desired nationality.
Meals available every minute if wanted. Waiters from any nationality you prefer.
Every waiter furnished with a libretto, button-hole bouquets, full dress suits, theatre tickets, the latest tips, and his hair parted down the middle. Every guest will have the best seat in the dining hall, and the best waiter in the house.
Every waiter equipped with a menu, boutonnière flowers, formal attire, theater tickets, the latest gossip, and his hair neatly parted down the middle. Every guest will have the best table in the dining room, and the best waiter available.
Any guest not getting his breakfast red hot, or experiencing a delay of fifteen seconds after giving his order for dinner, will please mention the fact at the Manager’s Office, and the cooks and waiters will at once be blown by Her Majesty’s Horse Guards from the mouth of the cannon.
Any guest who doesn't receive their breakfast piping hot or has to wait more than fifteen seconds after placing their dinner order is kindly requested to report this to the Manager’s Office, and the cooks and waitstaff will be immediately fired from their jobs by Her Majesty’s Horse Guards from the mouth of a cannon.
Children will be welcomed with delight, and are requested to bring hoop-sticks and jack-knives, to bang and hack the carved rosewood furniture, specially provided for the purpose; they will be allowed to thump the piano at all hours, fall down stairs, scream and yell to their heart’s content, carry away dessert enough for a small family in their pockets at dinner, and make themselves otherwise as agreeable and entertaining as the fondest mother can desire. Washing underlinen allowed in all the drawing-rooms.
Children will be warmly welcomed and are encouraged to bring hoop sticks and jack knives to bang on and scratch the carved rosewood furniture, which is specifically provided for this purpose. They will have the freedom to play the piano at any time, tumble down the stairs, scream and yell as much as they want, stuff their pockets with enough dessert to feed a small family during dinner, and generally be as fun and entertaining as any loving parent could hope for. Washing underwear is permitted in all the drawing rooms.
A discreet waiter, who belongs to the Masons, Odd Fellows, and Women’s Suffrage, and who was never known to tell the truth, has been employed to carry milk punches and hot toddies to the ladies’ rooms in the evening.
A quiet waiter, who is part of the Masons, Odd Fellows, and Women’s Suffrage, and who was never known to be truthful, has been hired to deliver milk punches and hot toddies to the ladies' rooms in the evening.
The office clerk has been carefully selected to please everybody, and can play unlimited loo, match worsteds at the shop round the corner, toss for drinks at any hour, day or night, play billiards, a good waltzer, amuse the children, is a good judge of horses, as a railroad reference is far superior to the A B C, Bradshaw’s, or anybody else’s guide, will flirt with any young lady, and not mind being cut dead when “Pa comes down,” don’t mind being damned any more than the Regent’s Canal, can put forty people into the best room in the house when the hotel is full, and answer questions in Greek, Hebrew, Choctaw, Irish, or any other polite language, at the same moment, without turning a hair.
The office clerk has been carefully chosen to keep everyone happy and can play endless games in the restroom, match fancy fabrics at the shop around the corner, gamble for drinks at any hour—day or night—play billiards, dance well, entertain the kids, has a great eye for horses, and is a much better railroad reference than the A B C, Bradshaw’s, or anyone else’s guide. He will flirt with any young lady and won’t care if he gets ignored when “Dad shows up.” He doesn’t mind being criticized any more than the Regent’s Canal, can fit forty people into the best room in the house when the hotel is fully booked, and can answer questions in Greek, Hebrew, Choctaw, Irish, or any other polite language at the same time, without breaking a sweat.
Dogs allowed in any room in the house, including the w(h)ine room. Gentlemen can drink, smoke, swear, chew, gamble, tell shady stories, stare at the new arrivals, or indulge in any other innocent amusements in any part of the hotel.
Dogs are welcome in any room of the house, including the wine room. Men can drink, smoke, swear, chew, gamble, tell questionable stories, gaze at the newcomers, or enjoy any other harmless activities in any area of the hotel.
The landlord will always be happy to hear that some other hotel is “the best in the country,” and that his is the very worst.
The landlord will always be pleased to hear that some other hotel is “the best in the country,” and that his is the absolute worst.
——:o:——
——:o:——
Dear Jack.
Hi Jack.
Enclosed Draft Prospectus was got up by one of our “sinners,”[56] and as just now the public will buy any mortal thing, I seriously believe there is coin in the idea. Send the manuscript to the printer, just as it stands, and tell him to set it up and send a few pulls, marked “Private—First Proof,” which I will pass round and get licked into shape.
The enclosed draft prospectus was put together by one of our "sinners,"[56] and since people are willing to buy just about anything right now, I genuinely believe there’s money in this idea. Send the manuscript to the printer exactly as it is, and instruct him to set it up and send a few copies marked “Private—First Proof,” which I will distribute and revise.
Yours, old fellow,
Yours, buddy,
Peter Preemium.
Peter Preemium.
P.S.—Keep it quiet.
P.S.—Keep it on the down low.
The Quill Toothpick Attachment Company, Limited.
The Quill Toothpick Attachment Company, Limited.
Messrs Layit Onthick & Co., offer for subscription the undermentioned Capital:
Messrs Layit Onthick & Co. are offering the following Capital for subscription:
(The subscription list will open on Saturday next at Four o’clock in the afternoon, and will close at five minutes past Nine on Monday morning.)
(The subscription list will open on Saturday at 4 PM and will close at 9:05 AM on Monday.)
| Ordinary Shares, £10 each | £5,000,000 |
| Preference 6 per cent. Shares, £10 each | £4,500,000 |
| Total Share Capital | £9,500,000 |
| Debenture Stock bearing interest at 5 per cent. (redeemable at the Company’s option up to the expiration of twenty years from the first of April next (1887) at 110 per cent.) | £3,000,000 |
| £12,500,000 | |
“One-half of the ordinary Shares is reserved for the Vendor, who will hold as long as it suits his convenience, and the remainder, together with the Preference Shares and Debenture Stock, are now offered severally for public subscription at par.
“Half of the ordinary shares are set aside for the vendor, who will keep them as long as it works for him, and the rest, along with the preference shares and debenture stock, are now being offered separately for public subscription at face value.”
The Quill Toothpick Attachment Company, Limited,
The Quill Toothpick Attachment Company, Limited,
has been formed to supply the whole world with Quill Toothpicks, the interiors of which will be charged with hydraulically compressed drinks, such as the stout of Guinness, the ale of Bass, the champagne of , the whiskey of , the port of , and the sherry of .
has been created to provide the entire world with Quill Toothpicks, which will be filled with hydraulically compressed beverages, such as Guinness stout, Bass ale, champagne of , whiskey of , port of , and sherry of .
Might charge these as advertisements, say £25 each, and cheap enough at the money.
Maybe charge these as ads, say £25 each, which is pretty affordable.
By means of a new forcing machine, which the vendor is now trying to invent, he thinks that a quart of Guinness or a bottle of Champagne can be readily compressed into the interior of a Toothpick, and when in the mouth the contents will be gently and gradually released by the touch of a spring. The Tea of , and the Coffee of will be stored in a similar manner. The Company will grant Royalties to Temperance Societies.
Through a new forcing machine that the vendor is currently trying to create, he believes that a quart of Guinness or a bottle of Champagne can be easily compressed into the inside of a toothpick, and once it's in the mouth, the contents will be gently and gradually released by the touch of a spring. The Tea of , and the Coffee of will be stored in a similar way. The Company will pay Royalties to Temperance Societies.
Try Cooper Cooper & Co., and that tinned French Coffee chap—I forget his name—for advertisement. If you can, get some soft soap into the prospectus, Pears’ should be safe for at least £100.
Try Cooper Cooper & Co., and that canned French Coffee guy—I can't remember his name—for advertising. If you can, include some soft soap in the prospectus; Pears’ should be good for at least £100.
The advantages of the Quill Toothpick Attachment must be apparent to the meanest capacity. For instance, a man is invited out to dine, and finds himself in danger of being poisoned. He pulls out a Toothpick charged with the desired drink, and the morning headache is avoided. Ten thousand Toothpicks charge with - - - - -
The benefits of the Quill Toothpick Attachment should be clear to even the simplest mind. For example, a guy is invited out to dinner and realizes he might be in danger of getting poisoned. He takes out a Toothpick filled with the drink he wants, and he avoids a bad headache the next morning. Ten thousand Toothpicks filled with - - - - -
Charge £50 for this advertisement.
Charge £50 for this ad.
wonderful brand of champagne will be distributed gratis to the female leaders of society, and it is anticipated that the use of toothpicks will soon become common to both sexes at every meal. As a further development it is anticipated that hosts will soon cease altogether to provide bottled drinks for their guests, and in place thereof will lay in quantities of Toothpicks charged by the Company. The contents of the Toothpicks will in all cases be absolutely guaranteed to be what they are, and this the Directors distinctly guarantee it is impossible to dispute.
Wonderful champagne will be given out for free to the female leaders in society, and it’s expected that using toothpicks will soon be a common practice for everyone at every meal. Additionally, it’s anticipated that hosts will eventually stop providing bottled drinks for their guests and instead stock up on Toothpicks supplied by the Company. The contents of the Toothpicks will always be fully guaranteed, and the Directors firmly assure that this is indisputable.
“The population of the world,” says the learned Professor, “is in round figures ,000,000,000,” and the Professor stakes his reputation that 00·000 per cent. uses a Toothpick.
“The population of the world,” says the knowledgeable Professor, “is around ,000,000,000,” and the Professor bets his reputation that 00·000 percent. uses a toothpick.
Fill in at discretion.
Fill in as needed.
The Company hope to make very large profits out of the Toothpicks themselves, and will at once proceed to open negotiations for the purchase of farms and ranches in the great Sahara of Africa and the vast plains of America for the cultivation of the Anser Vulgaris, or common goose.
The Company hopes to make huge profits from the toothpicks themselves and will immediately start discussions to buy farms and ranches in the great Sahara of Africa and the vast plains of America to grow the Anser Vulgaris, or common goose.
The Anser Vulgaris flourishes everywhere, and by gentle persuasion readily and painlessly parts with its feathers, in fact it generally takes some time to discover that anything is wrong. The gander parts less readily, and as a rule the feathers are small and so few in number as to be hardly worth plucking.
The Anser Vulgaris thrives everywhere, and with gentle coaxing, it easily and painlessly sheds its feathers; in fact, it usually takes a while to realize that anything is off. The gander doesn't shed as easily, and usually, the feathers are small and so few that they’re hardly worth the effort to pluck.
There is another well-known and exceedingly strong feathered breed of goose (Anser Stockexchangeiensis) frequenting the numerous runs adjacent Capel Court. This breed parts with no persuasion, in fact at times it courts being plucked, but it has a nasty habit of shortly wanting back again all its own feathers and as many of other people’s as it can possibly grab hold of. Sometimes, but not often, it loses nearly every feather it has got, and then it gently hisses, and horribly blasphemes.”
There is another well-known and incredibly strong breed of goose (Anser Stockexchangeiensis) that often hangs out near Capel Court. This breed doesn’t need any convincing to stick around; in fact, sometimes it seems to invite being plucked. However, it has a nasty habit of wanting all its feathers back shortly afterward, along with as many of other people’s feathers as it can snatch. Occasionally, though not frequently, it loses almost all of its feathers, and then it softly hisses and curses terribly.
These Extracts are taken from a Prospectus issued by John Heywood, Manchester, in 1887.
These excerpts come from a prospectus published by John Heywood, Manchester, in 1887.
——:o:——
——:o:——
Numerous burlesque acts of Parliament have been published, the late Albert Smith wrote several which were printed in imitation of parliamentary papers. One was entitled “An Act to amend the laws relating to the giving of Dinner and Evening Parties. Act 1. Cap 1. 1848.”
Numerous humorous parodies of Parliament have been published, the late Albert Smith wrote several that were printed to look like parliamentary papers. One was titled “An Act to amend the laws relating to the giving of Dinner and Evening Parties. Act 1. Cap 1. 1848.”
(Ireland.)
(Ireland.)
A BILL
A law proposal
intituled,
titled
An Act for the better defence and support of Life of Landlord and Tenant, and to facilitate the Maintenance and Comfort of Persons subject to certain starvation in Ireland.
An Act for the improved defense and support of the lives of landlords and tenants, and to help ensure the maintenance and comfort of individuals facing certain starvation in Ireland.
Preamble.
Introduction.
Whereas there has been always found to be a certain connexion between Misery and Outrage in Ireland; AND WHEREAS, there is no reason to believe that the Irish people have a greater fancy for shooting each other than other people; AND WHEREAS, hitherto every kind of Coercion has been tried without effect, and the only means of preventing outrage that has not been tried is to give the people work and food.
Where there has always been a clear link between Misery and Outrage in Ireland; AND WHEREAS, there’s no reason to think that the Irish people are more inclined to shoot each other than anyone else; AND WHEREAS, so far every kind of Coercion has been attempted without success, and the only solution that hasn’t been tried is to provide the people with jobs and food.
I. Be it enacted that from and after the passing of this Act, it shall and may be compulsory upon every English Cabinet Minister, before he legislates for Ireland, to pay a visit to the same, and learn something of the real state of the people and the country thereof.
I. Be it enacted that from and after the passing of this Act, every English Cabinet Minister must, before making laws for Ireland, visit the country and understand the true situation of its people and their needs.
II. And be it enacted, that it shall and may be lawful to teach Irish Landlords that Property has its duties as well as its Rights, and that the latter may best be secured by a due and proper discharge of the former.
II. And it is enacted, that it shall be lawful to teach Irish Landlords that property comes with responsibilities as well as rights, and that the rights can be best protected by properly fulfilling those responsibilities.
III. And be it enacted, that from and after the passing of this Act, Milk of Human Kindness be allowed to be imported into Ireland, and used freely in all parts of the same, instead of the Odium Theologicum or Odium Politicum now in use, in lieu thereof.
III. And it is enacted, that from now on, Milk of Human Kindness is permitted to be imported into Ireland and used freely everywhere in the country, instead of the Odium Theologicum or Odium Politicum currently in use.
* * * * *
Understood! Please provide the text you would like me to modernize.
VIII. And be it enacted, that a compensation not exceeding £ per annum, be paid to Mr. O’Connell and all hired agitators, for the loss they shall sustain by the passing of this Bill.
VIII. And it is now enacted, that a compensation not exceeding £ per year, will be paid to Mr. O’Connell and all hired agitators, for the losses they will incur due to the passing of this Bill.
IX. And be it enacted, that in the construction of this Act, masculine words shall mean feminine, and singular plural; and that all other rules of grammar shall be violated, as in other Acts is usually provided.
IX. And be it enacted, that in interpreting this Act, masculine words will also refer to feminine, and singular will mean plural; and that all other grammar rules can be disregarded, as is typically stated in other Acts.
From The Almanack of the Month. July, 1846.
From The Almanack of the Month. July, 1846.
In 1862, Carter of Regent Street, London, published “Official Regulations on Female Dress during the International Exhibition of 1862.” This amusing skit was also got up in correct official style.
In 1862, Carter of Regent Street, London, published "Official Regulations on Female Dress during the International Exhibition of 1862." This humorous sketch was also presented in proper official style.
——:o:——
——:o:——
OFFICE RULES.
Office Guidelines.
1. Gentlemen upon entering will Leave the door wide open, or apologise.
1. Gentlemen, when entering, will either leave the door wide open or apologize.
2. Those having No Business should remain as Long as Possible, take a chair, and Lean against the Wall; it will preserve the wall, and may prevent its fall upon us.
2. Those who have no business should stay as long as possible, take a seat, and lean against the wall; it will protect the wall and might keep it from falling on us.
3. Gentlemen are requested to Smoke especially during Office Hours; Tobacco and Cigars will be supplied.
3. Gentlemen are encouraged to smoke, particularly during office hours; tobacco and cigars will be provided.
4. Talk Loud or Whistle, especially when we are engaged; if this has not the desired effect, Sing.
4. Talk loudly or whistle, especially when we're busy; if that doesn't work, sing.
5. If we are in Business Conversation with anyone you are requested not to wait until we are done, but Join in, as we are particularly fond of speaking to half-a-dozen or more at a time.
5. If we're having a Business Conversation with anyone, please don't wait until we're finished; feel free to join in, as we especially enjoy talking to six or more people at once.
6. Profane Language is expected at all times, especially if Ladies are present.
6. Profane language is expected at all times, especially in the presence of ladies.
7. Put your feet on the tables, or lean against the Desk; it will be of great assistance to those who are writing.
7. Put your feet on the tables, or lean against the desk; it will really help those who are writing.
8. Persons having no Business with this Office will call often or excuse themselves.
8. People who have no business with this office will either stop by frequently or make excuses.
9. Should you need the loan of any Money do not fail to Ask for it, as we do not require it for Business Purposes, but merely for the sake of lending.
9. If you need to borrow any money, don’t hesitate to ask for it, as we don’t need it for business purposes, but just for the sake of lending.
Our hours for listening to Solicitors for Benevolent Purposes are from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m., Book Agents from 1 to 3 p.m., Beggars, Pedlers, and Insurance Agents all day. We attend to our Business at Night.
Our hours for listening to Solicitors for Benevolent Purposes are from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m., Book Agents from 1 to 3 p.m., and we see Beggars, Peddlers, and Insurance Agents all day. We handle our business at night.
The Lord helpeth those that help themselves, but the Lord help any man caught helping himself here.
God helps those who help themselves, but God help anyone caught trying to help themselves here.
269
THE MENAGERIE.
THE ZOO.
(A Burlesque Lecture.)
(A Burlesque Talk.)
“Hi! hi! hi! walk up, walk up, walk up! The only show in the fair, the largest and the best! The penny seats are all a penny, the ha’penny seats are four for tuppence! Ladies and gentlemen, we ’ave the most astounding collection of ’uman and animal fernomenons ever exhibited to the public of this or any other town! The pictures on the outside of the carawan ain’t nothink to the marvels to be seen alive within! Give the drum a one-er!
“Hey! Hey! Hey! Step right up, step right up! The only show at the fair, the biggest and the best! The penny seats are just a penny, and the half-penny seats are four for tuppence! Ladies and gentlemen, we have the most amazing collection of human and animal wonders ever showcased to the public in this or any other town! The pictures on the outside of the caravan don’t even begin to compare to the live marvels inside! Give the drum a hit!”
“Before a-inviting of you to enter, and taste the joys of Elysium to be ’ad at the small charge of one penny, I will exhibit to your astonished and admiring gaze a few pictorual illusterations of the wonders to be shortly disclosed to you. Give the drum a one-er!
“Before inviting you to come in and experience the joys of Elysium for just one penny, I will show you a few visual illustrations of the amazing things that will soon be revealed to you. Give the drum a hit!”
“The first speciment I shall introduct to your notice is the Spotted Babe of Peru. The infant is so called from being born in the Ratcliffe ’Ighway! It was born at a very early age bein’ quite a child at the time. It had two parients, one male and one female. I should be deludin’ of you, ladies and gents, if I concealed from you the fack that its male parient was its father. The infant is covered all over with spots or specks. There ain’t nothink ketchin’ in the spots or specks. They wos caused by its grandfather ’avin swaller’d a box o’ dominoes in a fit of duleruam tremins. When tormented by the pangs of ’unger, the infant do not gnash ’is toothless gums and ’owl for grub like the ornary babe of commerce, but ’e climbs to the rooft of the carawan, where ’e barks like a dorg! ’Ence the term, ‘Peruvian Bark’! Give the drum a one-er!
“The first specimen I want to introduce to your attention is the Spotted Babe of Peru. The baby is named for being born in Ratcliffe Highway! It was born at a very young age, being quite a child at the time. It had two parents, one male and one female. I would be misleading you, ladies and gentlemen, if I hid from you the fact that its male parent was its father. The baby is covered all over with spots or specks. There’s nothing interesting about the spots or specks. They were caused by its grandfather having swallowed a box of dominoes in a fit of duleruam tremens. When tormented by hunger, the baby doesn’t gnash its toothless gums and howl for food like an ordinary baby, but it climbs to the roof of the caravan, where it barks like a dog! Hence the term, ‘Peruvian Bark’! Give the drum a hit!
“The next speciment I shall introduct to your notice is the O-rang-O-tang! The o-rang-o-tang ain’t a Irish beast, as ’is name might imply. ’E is a celebrated bird of the hinside of Central Africa. ’E do not live on cotton-wool and carster-hile, as is poplerly supposed! Oh, no, that there is a aspershin on the manner of the inseck! ’E climbs aloft to the giddy summat of the Halpine palm-tree, where ’e ’angs upsy-down by the roof of ’is mouth; ketches the prairie-hyster with ’is hyebrows; cracks it with ’is fore’ead; devours the lushus froot; and distriboots the shells among ’is noomerous orfspring! Give the drum a one-er!
“The next specimen I’ll introduce to you is the orangutan! The orangutan isn’t an Irish creature, as its name might suggest. It’s a well-known animal from Central Africa. It doesn’t live on cotton candy and cake, as is commonly believed! Oh, no, that’s a misconception about the insect! It climbs up to the dizzy height of the African palm tree, where it hangs upside down by its mouth; catches the tasty fruit with its eyebrows; cracks it open with its forehead; eats the delicious fruit; and distributes the shells among its numerous offspring! Give the drum a one-er!”
The next objek of interest is the Bovis Kimmunis, or Commin Cow. The cow is the most dimmestercated of all wile animals. ’E is a oblong beast, in the form of a pork-mantew or fiddle-case on tressels! ’E ’ave a leg on each corner of ’im. ’Is ’ead is at one end of ’is body, and ’is tail is at the other end. The tail-end is oppersite the ’ead-end, onless the animil turns round, then the tail-end is on the ’ead-end! And this confuses the milkmaids! The cow is a useful beast. In our declinin’ days, when we expected every moment to be our nex, we ’ave been soothed and solaced by an excellent and newtrishis jelly prepared from ’is horns, ’is oofts, and ’is tail; or to quote the words of the advertisement, ‘it imparts a pearly lustre to the breath, a kinky curliness to the complexion, a floral flaviour to the eye; is a excellent substertute for a stummick-pump, carefully perpared from the reseat of a nobleum in the country, to imertate which is forgery.’
The next object of interest is the Bovis Kimmunis, or Common Cow. The cow is the most domesticated of all wild animals. It is an oblong creature, shaped like a pork barrel or a fiddle case on trestles! It has a leg at each corner. Its head is at one end of its body, and its tail is at the other end. The tail end is opposite the head end, unless the animal turns around, then the tail end is at the head end! And this confuses the milkmaids! The cow is a useful animal. In our declining days, when we expected every moment to be our last, we have been soothed and comforted by an excellent and nutritious jelly made from its horns, its hooves, and its tail; or to quote the words of the advertisement, ‘it imparts a pearly luster to the breath, a kinky curliness to the complexion, a floral flavor to the eye; is an excellent substitute for a stomach pump, carefully prepared from the recipe of a nobleman in the country, to imitate which is forgery.’
“I cannot quit the Bovis Kimmunis, or Commin Cow, without recalling to your recommemberlection the words of the well-known poet Cowper, which he says:
“I cannot quit the Bovis Kimmunis, or Commin Cow, without reminding you of the words of the well-known poet Cowper, which he says:
“Give the drum a one-er!
“Hit the drum once!”
“The last speciment I shall ’ave the pleasure of introducting to your notice is the Cocclicus Indicus, or Prickly Pollywog of the Ipecacuanha Mountains, wot lives entirely on bottled bootjacks, currant jelly, turnip-tops, sarsaparilla, tenpenny nails, toasting-forks, corn-plaister, pot-lids, cabbage water, lemon-squeezers, black-beetle poison, cinder-sifters, soapsuds, silver sand, and postage stamps; until, one day, in a fit of tempory aboration of hinterlek, it swaller’d a sausage machine, two reams of emery paper, a box of matches, and fourteen seidlitz powders, and expired of spontaneous combustion and acute inflermation of the waistcoat pocket linings of the coats of ’is stummick. ’E then expired, and is to be seen alive within. Give the drum a one-er!”
“The last specimen I’ll have the pleasure of introducing to you is the Cocclicus Indicus, or Prickly Pollywog of the Ipecacuanha Mountains, which lives entirely on bottled bootjacks, currant jelly, turnip tops, sarsaparilla, tenpenny nails, toasting forks, corn plaster, pot lids, cabbage water, lemon squeezers, black beetle poison, cinder sifters, soapsuds, silver sand, and postage stamps; until one day, in a moment of temporary lapse in judgment, it swallowed a sausage machine, two reams of emery paper, a box of matches, and fourteen seidlitz powders, and died of spontaneous combustion and acute inflammation of the pocket linings of its stomach. It then expired, and can be seen alive within. Give the drum a one-er!”
Charles Collette.
Charles Collette.
On Farming.
About Farming.
(Lecture Written by Mark Twain when a Boy.)
(Lecture Written by Mark Twain when a Boy.)
Farming is healthy work; but no man can run a farm and wear his best clothes at the same time. Either the farming must cease while the new clothes continues, or the new clothes must cease while farming continues. This shows that farming is not so clean work as being a Congressman or schoolmaster, for these men can wear good clothes if they can find money to pay for them. Farmers get up early in the morning. They say the early bird catches the worm. If I was a bird, I had rather get up late and eat cherries in place of worms. Farmers don’t paint their waggons when they can help it, for they show mud too quick. The colour of their boots is red, and don’t look like other people’s boots, because they are twice as big. Farmers’ wives have a hard time cooking for hired men, and the hired men find fault with the farmers’ wives’ cooking. Why don’t farmers’ wives let the hired men do the cooking while they do the finding fault? Farmers don’t get as rich as bank presidents, but they get more exercise. Some ask—“Why don’t farmers run for Congress?” They run so much keeping boys out of their peach orchards and melon patches they don’t have any time to run after anything else. If Congress should run after farmers, one might be caught now and then. Lawyers can beat farmers at running for most anything. I know a farmer who tried to run a line fence according to his notion. The other man objected and hurt the farmer. The farmer hired a lawyer to run his line fence, and now the lawyer runs the farmer’s farm, and the farmer has stopped running anything.
Farming is hard work, but no one can manage a farm while wearing their best clothes at the same time. Either the farming has to stop while they wear new clothes, or the new clothes have to go while farming continues. This shows that farming isn’t as clean as being a Congressman or a schoolteacher, as those professions allow for nice outfits if they can afford them. Farmers get up early in the morning. They say the early bird catches the worm. If I were a bird, I’d rather sleep in and eat cherries instead of worms. Farmers don’t paint their wagons if they can avoid it, because they get muddy too quickly. Their boots are red and don’t look like everyone else's because they’re twice the size. Farmers' wives have a tough time cooking for hired help, and the hired help often complains about the cooking. Why don’t the farmers’ wives let the hired men cook while they do the complaining? Farmers might not get as wealthy as bank presidents, but they definitely get more exercise. Some ask, “Why don’t farmers run for Congress?” They spend so much time chasing boys out of their peach orchards and melon patches that they don’t have time for anything else. If Congress pursued farmers, one might get caught every now and then. Lawyers can outpace farmers in running for just about anything. I know a farmer who tried to mark a fence line based on his own ideas. The other man disagreed and ended up hurting the farmer. So, the farmer hired a lawyer to handle the fence line, and now the lawyer runs the farmer’s farm, while the farmer has stopped running anything.
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Regulations in the United States Navy.
Rules and guidelines in the United States Navy.
A Buffalo paper prints the following extracts from a manuscript treatise on naval discipline, prepared by the Secretary of the American Navy:—“The custom of sailing before the wind should be avoided, whenever it is possible, as experience has demonstrated that it is much better to wait for the breeze and carry it along, if not too heavy. Commanders of sailing ships-of-war, I have observed, are addicted to the practice of ‘staggering under all they can carry.’ This matter will receive early attention, as the necessity for reform in this direction would seem imperative. When dirty weather is threatened, or when there is reason to suspect breakers ahead, the captain should heave to, or three, but never more than four. In taking on board ammunition, and powder, and shot, and shells and caps, &c., the fore, main, and mizen trucks should be utilised, in connection with the animals belonging to the horse marines. It is deemed best to abolish dog-watches. The practice is believed to encourage idleness among the sailors, and necessitates the keeping on board a number of useless beasts whose presence must 270 be anything but desirable. In the interests of economy, the allowance for captains’ gigs should be withdrawn. It is plain that they are of no real utility on ship-board, and that they are at all times in the way. When on shore the captains can avail themselves of the street railway, or of the facilities afforded by the livery stables. All anchors should be accurately weighed before being taken on board, and the weight plainly marked on each, thereby saving time and trouble when a ship is about to take her departure. All ‘splicing’ should be done by the chaplain, as he is the person upon whom the performance of the ceremony most properly devolves. When sailing in tropical seas, the breeches of the guns should be removed and carefully stowed away, to be replaced when again entering colder latitudes and longitudes. The practice of carrying logs, merely for the purpose of ‘heaving’ them is of questionable propriety, and will form a subject for future enquiry.”
A Buffalo newspaper publishes the following excerpts from a manuscript on naval discipline, created by the Secretary of the American Navy:—“The practice of sailing directly downwind should be avoided whenever possible, as experience has shown that it’s much better to wait for the wind and carry it if it’s not too strong. I’ve noticed that commanders of warships tend to overreact by taking on more than they can handle. This issue will be addressed soon since it’s clear we need to make changes in this area. When bad weather is on the horizon, or if there’s a chance of encountering rough waters ahead, the captain should slow down, but shouldn’t go below three, and definitely not more than four. When loading ammunition, gunpowder, shots, shells, caps, etc., the fore, main, and mizzen tops should be used, along with the horses from the horse marines. It’s considered best to eliminate dog-watches. This practice seems to promote laziness among sailors and requires keeping around a number of unnecessary animals whose presence is hardly welcome. For cost-saving reasons, the allowance for captains’ small boats should be canceled. It’s clear that they aren’t of any real use on the ship and are always in the way. When on shore, captains can use public transit or livery services. Every anchor should be weighed accurately before being brought on board, and the weight should be clearly marked on each one to save time and effort when a ship is ready to leave. All ‘splicing’ should be carried out by the chaplain since he is the one most suited for this ceremony. When sailing in tropical waters, the gun covers should be removed and stored carefully, to be replaced when entering colder regions. The practice of carrying logs just for the sake of ‘heaving’ them is questionable and will be looked into further.” 270
Admiralty Reforms.
Navy Reforms.
The following appointments have recently been created at the Admiralty, to which salaries of £1000 a-year each are attached;
The following positions have recently been created at the Admiralty, each with a salary of £1000 a year;
- The Chief Obstructor.
- The Complicator-General of Naval Accounts.
- The Scrutineer of Dockyard Expenditure.
- The Investigator of Expenses of Ships Building.
- The Calculator of Profits by Ships broken up, or lost.
- The Professional Criticizer of the Obstructor’s Vessels.
- The Examiner and Inspector of Contractors and Inventors.
- The Constructor-in-Chief of Revolving Turrets.
- The Insinuator and Receiver of Contracts.
- The Riveter and Contractor-General of Iron Plate.
- The Admirer and Appraiser of Dockyard Work.
- The Inventor and Circulator of Expensive Theories.
- The Detector-General of Fraudulent Contracts.
- The Director of Ingenious and Inexpensive Works.
- The Imposter-General of Stores and Store accounts.
- The Subverter of Official Forms and Precedents.
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SLANG, CANT, AND FLASH.
As Slang is a species of parody of our mother tongue, and as many songs are written in it, it must be alluded to in this Collection, however briefly.
As slang is a kind of parody of our native language, and since many songs are written in it, it needs to be mentioned in this collection, even if just briefly.
A few examples will be quoted, followed by a bibliography, including mention also of Dictionaries devoted to Satirical and Political slang.
A few examples will be provided, followed by a bibliography that will also include references to dictionaries focused on satirical and political slang.
Thieves slang, or “cant,” is of multifold origin, but is mainly derived from Romany or gipsy talk, with an admixture of Anglo-Saxon, Latin, and French words.
Thieves slang, or “cant,” has multiple origins but mainly comes from Romany or gypsy language, mixed with some Anglo-Saxon, Latin, and French words.
Rhyming and back-slang are two other forms of purely native manufacture, both arbitrary, and artificial in their construction.
Rhyming and back-slang are two other forms of entirely local creation, both random and artificial in their setup.
By the former any word that rhymes with the one that is intended is substituted for it, and gradually becomes accepted. This method is somewhat complicated, and is, of course, almost unintelligible to the uninitiated, which is precisely why it is adopted by thieves and their associates.
By the former, any word that rhymes with the intended one is swapped in, and over time it becomes accepted. This method is quite complicated and is, of course, nearly impossible to understand for those who aren't familiar with it, which is exactly why it’s used by thieves and their associates.
Back-slang is largely patronised by costermongers. It consists in spelling backwards the principal words in a sentence, with more or less accuracy. Thus, “Hi, yob! kool that enif elrig with the nael ekom. Ssap her a top o’ reeb and a tib of occabot,” simply means “Hi boy! look at that fine girl with the lean moke. Pass her a pot of beer and a bit of tobacco.”
Back-slang is mainly used by street vendors. It involves spelling the main words in a sentence backwards, with varying degrees of accuracy. So, “Hi, yob! kool that enif elrig with the nael ekom. Ssap her a top o’ reeb and a tib of occabot,” simply means “Hi boy! look at that fine girl with the lean moke. Pass her a pot of beer and a bit of tobacco.”
Although slang is principally indulged in by the lower orders and criminal classes, it must not be forgotten that many slang words have been adopted and incorporated into 271 our general language, to say nothing of Americanisms, which are also constantly being absorbed. Every profession, too, has its slang, or technical language, which is mainly unintelligible to the outside world. Thus Soldiers, Sailors, Engineers, Doctors, and Lawyers, have their own phraseology, but what is most objectionable is the Clerical slang. This imparts a fine full flavoured tone of hypocrisy to any ordinary conversation by dragging in “D.V.” references to the Deity, and the quotation of scraps of Holy writ in the most unnecessary profusion, and in the most unseemly contrast with trivial statements of every day life.
Although slang is mainly used by lower classes and criminals, it's important to remember that many slang words have been adopted and included in 271 our everyday language, not to mention the constant influx of American expressions. Every profession also has its own slang or technical jargon that’s mostly confusing to outsiders. For example, Soldiers, Sailors, Engineers, Doctors, and Lawyers all have their specific terms, but the most annoying is Clerical slang. This adds a pretentious tone of hypocrisy to regular conversations by throwing in “D.V.” references to God and quoting bits of Scripture unnecessarily and awkwardly alongside trivial everyday statements.
From “Pickwick Abroad; or, The Tour in France.” by G. W. M. Reynolds. (Chapter 26.)
From “Pickwick Abroad; or, The Tour in France.” by G. W. M. Reynolds. (Chapter 26.)
(The following postscript seems to have been added when the Warder had passed.)
(The following postscript appears to have been added after the Warder had left.)
Punch. January 31, 1857.
Punch. January 31, 1857.
From The Individual. November 15, 1836. Cambridge. W. H. Smith.
From The Individual. November 15, 1836. Cambridge. W. H. Smith.
Generalizations have been made from which it appears that certain localities have peculiar productive qualities in the manufacture of criminals, thus London for sharpers, Brummagem for thieves, Paris for fly men (window thieves) Sheffield for pilchers of snyde (coiners and utterers.)
Generalizations have been made suggesting that certain areas have unique traits that lead to the production of criminals, like London for con artists, Birmingham for thieves, Paris for pickpockets, and Sheffield for coiners and counterfeiters.
As to the ultimate destinations of these gentlemen one of themselves has put the various establishments in verse, thus recounting their merits:—
As for where these gentlemen end up, one of them has captured the various places in a poem, highlighting their merits:—
Another equally good authority thus describes them:—
Another equally good source describes them:—
Clear out—Look Sharp!
Get organized—Stay sharp!
Song commonly sung by tramps and thieves at a general Rendezvous before they divide into parties, to stroll about the country.
Song often sung by wanderers and criminals at a general meetup before they split into groups to roam around the countryside.
As this song is so old some of the expressions are obsolete, and their explanations are somewhat conjectural. The first verse translated reads as follows:—
As this song is so old, some of the expressions are outdated, and their explanations are somewhat speculative. The first verse translated reads as follows:—
This was first printed in “The English Rogue: Described in the Life of Meriton Latroon, a Witty Extravagant. Being a Compleat History of the most Eminent Cheats of both sexes. London, Printed for Henry Marsh, at the Princes Arms in Chancery Lane, 1665.”
This was first printed in “The English Rogue: Described in the Life of Meriton Latroon, a Witty Extravagant. Being a Compleat History of the most Eminent Cheats of both sexes. London, Printed for Henry Marsh, at the Princes Arms in Chancery Lane, 1665.”
This curious work was reprinted by Chatto and Windus in 1874.
This interesting work was republished by Chatto and Windus in 1874.
From “Harlequin Sheppard.” Acted at Drury Lane Theatre, 1724.
From “Harlequin Sheppard.” Performed at Drury Lane Theatre, 1724.
The Canter’s Serenade.
The Canter's Serenade.
(Sung early in the morning, at the Barn doors where their Doxies have reposed during the night.)
(Sung early in the morning, at the Barn doors where their Doxies have rested during the night.)
From The History of Bampfylde-Moore Carew, King of the Mendicants. London, 1749.
From The History of Bampfylde-Moore Carew, King of the Mendicants. London, 1749.
A Flash Anecdote.
A Quick Story.
I buzzed a bloak and a shakester of a reader and a skin. My jomer stalled. A cross cove, who had his regulars, called out “cop bung,” so as a pig was marking, I speeled to the crib, where I found Jim had been pulling down sawney for grub. He cracked a case last night and fenced the swag. He told me as Bill had flimped a yack and pinched a swell of a fawney, he sent the yack to church and got three finnups and a cooter for the fawney.
I called over a dude and a shady reader and a guy. My ride stalled. A tough guy, who had his regulars, shouted “cop alert,” so while a cop was checking things out, I headed to the place, where I found Jim had been grabbing food. He broke into a place last night and sold the stuff he stole. He told me that Bill had grabbed a car and stolen a nice watch, he sent the car to the garage and got three hundred bucks and a nice deal for the watch.
Translation.
Translation.
I picked the pockets of a gentleman and lady of a pocket book and a purse. My fancy girl screened me from observation. A fellow thief, who shared my plunder, called out to me to hand over the stolen property, so as someone was observing my actions, I ran off to the house, where Jim had 276 some bacon he had stolen from a shop door. He broke into a house last night, and had sold the stolen property. He told me that Bill had hustled a man and stolen his watch, and had also robbed a gentleman of a ring. He had sent the watch to have its works removed, and had got three five pound notes and a sovereign for the ring.
I pickpocketed a gentleman and lady, taking a wallet and a purse. My girlfriend helped keep me from being seen. Another thief, who shared in my loot, called out for me to hand over the stolen goods, so noticing someone watching my actions, I ran off to the house where Jim had some bacon he’d stolen from a shop. He broke into a house last night and sold the stolen goods. He told me that Bill had hustled a guy and taken his watch, and also robbed a gentleman of a ring. He sent the watch off to get its insides removed and got three five-pound notes and a sovereign for the ring.
From Poverty, Mendicity and Crime, 1839.
From Poverty, Mendicity and Crime, 1839.
From The Vulgar Tongue, by Ducange Anglicus. London, Bernard Quaritch, 1857.
From The Vulgar Tongue, by Ducange Anglicus. London, Bernard Quaritch, 1857.
From The Life and Times of James Catnach, by Charles Hindley. London, Reeves and Turner. 1878.
From The Life and Times of James Catnach, by Charles Hindley. London, Reeves and Turner. 1878.
A French translation of this poem was written by the Rev. Francis Mahony, see “The Works of Father Prout.” London, George Routledge & Sons, 1881.
A French translation of this poem was done by Rev. Francis Mahony, see “The Works of Father Prout.” London, George Routledge & Sons, 1881.
This is taken from A Pedlar’s Pack of Ballads and Songs collected by W. H. Logan, (Edinburgh: William Paterson, 1869) which work contains some dozen cant songs, of which the best have been quoted. The others are so “Flash” in language that they could only be clearly interpreted by a regular Patter Cove.
This is taken from A Pedlar’s Pack of Ballads and Songs collected by W. H. Logan, (Edinburgh: William Paterson, 1869) which work contains about a dozen catchy songs, of which the best have been quoted. The others are so "Flash" in language that they could only be clearly understood by a regular Patter Cove.
The vein of sentiment that pervades this lament is almost too fine to be genuine in such a production.
The emotional thread that runs through this lament feels almost too delicate to be authentic in a work like this.
by Dr. William Maginn.
Many of the other words are also flash, but are so generally understood that it is quite unnecessary to translate them.
Many of the other words are also flash, but they are so widely understood that it's completely unnecessary to translate them.
The following handbill is worthy of a place in this collection; the Slang Dictionary will explain its meaning. Its words are, however, fully understood by many “downy” customers;
The following handbill deserves a spot in this collection; the Slang Dictionary will clarify its meaning. Its words are, however, well understood by many “downy” customers;
Once Try You’ll Come Again
TO
Harris, The Slap-Up-Tog
and out and out
Kicksies Builder.
Well known throughout all England.
Once you try it, you'll come back again
to
Harris, The Fancy Outfit
and completely
Kicksies Creator.
Well known all over England.
Mr. H. nabs the chance of putting his customers awake that he has just made his escape from India, not forgetting to clap his mawleys upon some of the right sort of stuff, when on his return home he was stunned to find one of the top Manufacturers of Manchester had cut his lucky, and stepped off to the Swan Stream, leaving behind him a valuable stock of Moleskins, Cords, Velveteens, Box Cloths, Plushes, Doe Skins, Pilots, &c., and having some ready in his kick—grabbed the chance—stepped home with the swag—and is now safely landed at his crib. He can turn out Toggery very slap at the following low prices for
Mr. H. takes the opportunity to let his customers know that he just escaped from India. He makes sure to get his hands on some quality goods. When he got back home, he was shocked to discover that one of the top manufacturers in Manchester had found his luck and left for the Swan Stream, abandoning a valuable stock of moleskins, cords, velveteens, box cloths, plushes, doe skins, pilots, etc. With some goods ready to go, he seized the chance, took everything home, and is now safely settled at his place. He can offer clothing pretty quickly at the following low prices for
Ready Gilt—Tick being No Go.
Ready Gilt—Tick is a No-Go.
Upper Benjamins, built on a downy plan, a monarch to half a finnuff. Fishing or Shooting Togs, or Slap up Velveteen Togs, lined with the same, cut slap, 1 pound, 1 quarter and a peg. A Fancy Sleeve Blue Plush or Pilot ditto, made very saucy, a couter. Pair of Kerseymere or Doeskin Kicksies, built very slap with the artful dodge, a canary. Pair of Bath or Worsted Cords, cut to drop down on the trotters, a quid. Pair of out and out cords, built very serious, 9 bob and a kick. Pair of stout Broad Cords, built in the Melton Mowbray style, half a sov. Pair of Moleskins, built hanky spanky, with double fakement down the sides and artful buttons at the bottom, half a monarch.
Upper Benjamins, designed with a soft fit, a coat for half a crown. Fishing or shooting gear, or nice velvet outfits, lined with the same fabric, priced at 1 pound, 1 quarter and a peg. A stylish blue plush sleeve or a similar pilot coat, made to look flashy, a cuff. A pair of Kerseymere or doeskin pants, made with a nice cut and a clever twist, a canary. A pair of bath or worsted corduroys, cut to hang just right, a quid. A pair of classic corduroys, made very solid, costing 9 shillings and a kick. A pair of sturdy broad corduroys, made in the Melton Mowbray style, half a sovereign. A pair of moleskins, made to be fancy, with double fake detailing down the sides and stylish buttons at the bottom, half a monarch.
Mud Pipes, Knee Caps & Trotter Cases built very low.
A decent allowance made to Seedy Swells, Tea Kettle
Purgers, Head Robbers, and Flunkeys out of Collar.
Mud Pipes, Knee Caps & Trotter Cases built very low.
A reasonable allowance provided to Seedy Swells, Tea Kettle
Purgers, Head Robbers, and Flunkeys out of Collar.
N.B.—Gentlemen finding their own Broady can be accommodated.
Note: Gentlemen who find their own Broady can be accommodated.
——:o:——
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The distinctions between Slang and Cant are well defined by Hotten. “Cant,” he says, “is old, whilst Slang is always modern and changing. To illustrate the difference: a thief in Cant language would term a horse a Prancer or Prad; while in Slang a man of fashion would speak of it as a Bit of Blood, a Spanker, or a neat tit.”
The differences between Slang and Cant are clearly explained by Hotten. “Cant,” he explains, “is old, while Slang is always modern and evolving. To show the distinction: a thief using Cant would call a horse a Prancer or Prad; meanwhile, in Slang, a fashionable person would refer to it as a Bit of Blood, a Spanker, or a neat tit.”
Cant was formed for the purpose of secrecy in roguery, Slang is commonly indulged in from a desire to appear familiar with the life, gaiety, town humour, and street jokes of the day. Cant and Slang are often used as synonyms, which is erroneous, they are distinct terms, and should be kept so.
Cant was created to keep things secret among rogues. Slang is often used because people want to seem in the know about the fun, humor, and street jokes of the time. Cant and slang are frequently treated as the same, but that's incorrect; they are different terms and should remain that way.
Then there is what is commonly known as “Daily Telegraphese,” or the “high falutin” style. This arose from the invincible objection an inferior class of journalists had to writing of a spade as a spade, it must be called an “agricultural implement.” Examples of this may be found any day in the leaders of the Daily Telegraph, (London) a journal which whilst owned by Jews is especially conspicuous for its cant about Christianity and the Established Church. The parade of irrelevant learning, the mythological allusions dug up from the almost inaccessible depths of Lemprière, and the Latin verses cheaply filched from Dictionaries of Quotations, can only impose on imperfectly educated readers, to persons of any literary culture they are simply nauseating.
Then there’s what people often call “Daily Telegraphese,” or the “high falutin” style. This came from the strong resistance some lesser journalists had to just calling a spade a spade; instead, it had to be an “agricultural implement.” You can see examples of this any day in the editorials of the Daily Telegraph, (London), a newspaper that, while owned by Jews, is especially known for its pretentious talk about Christianity and the Established Church. The display of irrelevant knowledge, the mythological references dragged up from the almost unreachable depths of Lemprière, and the Latin phrases cheaply borrowed from Dictionaries of Quotations can only impress those who are not well-educated; to anyone with a decent literary background, they’re simply off-putting.
On page 251 Jerry Juniper’s Chaunt (“Nix my dolly pals”) was given, it is the somewhat abbreviated version which is commonly sung, the full text, with a glossary, will be found in Ainsworth’s entertaining novel Rookwood.
On page 251 Jerry Juniper’s Chaunt (“Forget my doll friends”) was presented, it is the somewhat shortened version that is usually sung, the complete text, along with a glossary, can be found in Ainsworth’s entertaining novel Rookwood.
This work contains other cant songs, and in his Preface Mr. Ainsworth makes the following remarks upon them:—
This work includes other catchy songs, and in his Preface, Mr. Ainsworth makes the following comments about them:—
“As I have casually alluded to the flash song of Jerry Juniper, I may be allowed to make a few observations upon this branch of versification. It is somewhat curious with a dialect so racy, idiomatic, and plastic as our own cant, that its metrical capabilities should have been so little essayed. The French have numerous chansons d’argot, ranging from the time of Charles Bourdigné and Villon down to that of Vidocq and Victor Hugo, the last of whom has enlivened the horrors of his “Dernier Jour d’un Condamné” by a festive song of this class. The Spaniards possess a large collection of Romances de Germania, by various authors, amongst whom Quevedo holds a distinguished place. We on the contrary, have scarcely any slang songs of merit. This barreness is not attributable to the poverty of the soil, but to the want of due cultivation. Materials are at hand in abundance, but there have been few operators. Dekker, Beaumont and Fletcher, and Ben Jonson, have all dealt largely in this jargon, but not lyrically; and one of the earliest and best specimens of a canting-song occurs in Brome’s ‘Jovial Crew;’ and in the ‘Adventures of Bamfylde Moore Carew’ there is a solitary ode addressed by the mendicant fraternity to their newly-elected monarch; but it has little humour, and can scarcely be called a genuine canting-song. This ode brings us down to our own time; to the effusions of the illustrious Pierce Egan; to Tom Moore’s Flights of ‘Fancy;’ to John Jackson’s famous chant, ‘On the High Toby Spice flash the Muzzle,’ cited by Lord Byron in a note to ‘Don Juan;’ and to the glorious Irish ballad, worth them all put together, entitled ‘The Night before Larry was stretched.’ This is attributed to the late Dean Burrowes, of Cork. It is worthy of note, that almost all modern aspirants to the graces of the Musa Pedestris are Irishmen. Of all rhymesters of the ‘Road,’ however, Dean Burrowes is, as yet, most fully entitled to the laurel. Larry is quite ‘the potato!’
“As I have casually mentioned the flashy song of Jerry Juniper, I’d like to share a few thoughts on this type of poetry. It’s a bit surprising that, with a dialect as vibrant, unique, and flexible as our own slang, its metrical possibilities have been so little explored. The French have many chansons d’argot, dating back to Charles Bourdigné and Villon, up to Vidocq and Victor Hugo, the latter of whom has lightened the grimness of his “Dernier Jour d’un Condamné” with a lively song of this sort. The Spaniards boast a large collection of Romances de Germania, from various authors, with Quevedo being a prominent figure. In contrast, we hardly have any noteworthy slang songs. This lack isn't due to a scarcity of material, but rather a lack of proper cultivation. There are plenty of resources available, but there have been few who have taken advantage of them. Dekker, Beaumont and Fletcher, and Ben Jonson have all used this jargon extensively, but not in a lyrical way; and one of the earliest and best examples of a slang song appears in Brome’s ‘Jovial Crew.’ There’s also a solitary ode in the ‘Adventures of Bamfylde Moore Carew’ addressed by the begging community to their newly-elected king; however, it has little humor and can barely be considered a true slang song. This ode brings us to our current time; the works of the well-known Pierce Egan; Tom Moore’s Flights of ‘Fancy;’ John Jackson’s famous chant, ‘On the High Toby Spice flash the Muzzle,’ referenced by Lord Byron in a note to ‘Don Juan;’ and to the fantastic Irish ballad that’s worth them all combined, titled ‘The Night before Larry was stretched.’ This is credited to the late Dean Burrowes of Cork. It’s noteworthy that nearly all modern contenders for the graces of the Musa Pedestris are Irishmen. Among all the poets of the ‘Road,’ though, Dean Burrowes is still most deserving of the laurel. Larry is quite ‘the potato!’”
“I venture to affirm that I have done something more than has been accomplished by my predecessors, or contemporaries, with the significant language under consideration. I have written a purely flash song; of which the great and peculiar merit consists in its being utterly incomprehensible to the uninformed understanding, while its meaning must be perfectly clear and perspicuous to the practised patterer of Romany, or Pedler’s French. I have, moreover, been the first to introduce and naturalize amongst us a measure which, though common enough in the Argotic minstrelsy of France, has been hitherto utterly unknown to our pedestrian poetry. Some years after the song alluded to, better known under the title of ‘Nix my dolly, pals,—fake away!’ sprang into extraordinary popularity, being set to music by Rodwell, and chanted by glorious Paul Bedford and clever little Mrs. Keeley.”
“I confidently say that I have achieved something beyond what my predecessors or contemporaries have done with this significant language. I have written a purely flash song; which has the unique quality of being completely incomprehensible to those who aren't informed, while its meaning is perfectly clear to the skilled patterer of Romany or Pedler’s French. Furthermore, I’ve been the first to bring and establish a style here that, although quite common in the Argotic music tradition of France, has been completely unknown in our pedestrian poetry. A few years after the song in question, better known as ‘Nix my dolly, pals,—fake away!’ gained immense popularity, being set to music by Rodwell and performed by the fantastic Paul Bedford and the talented Mrs. Keeley.”
Of course Mr. Ainsworth is in error in his claim to have written the first purely flash song, if indeed that is what he claims in his somewhat ambiguous sentence on the subject.
Of course, Mr. Ainsworth is mistaken in his assertion that he wrote the first purely flash song, if that’s really what he means in his somewhat unclear sentence about it.
Detached Slang phrases may be found in the writings of most of our principal novelists—in Swift, Addison, Henry Fielding, Lord Lytton, Harrison Ainsworth, and Charles Dickens they abound. Professor Wilson and Dr. Maginn were also authorities on Slang.
Detached slang phrases can be found in the writings of most of our major novelists—Swift, Addison, Henry Fielding, Lord Lytton, Harrison Ainsworth, and Charles Dickens are full of them. Professor Wilson and Dr. Maginn were also experts on slang.
Our older dramatists introduced Slang largely into 282 their plays, notably Shakespeare, Ben Jonson, Beaumont and Fletcher, Richard Brome, Thomas Middleton, Thomas Decker, the Duke of Buckingham, and more recently R. B. Sheridan and Moncrieff.
Our earlier playwrights incorporated slang significantly into their works, especially Shakespeare, Ben Jonson, Beaumont and Fletcher, Richard Brome, Thomas Middleton, Thomas Decker, the Duke of Buckingham, and more recently R. B. Sheridan and Moncrieff.
Our dear little friend Notes and Queries (London) contains many hundreds of references, explanations, and etymologies of Cant, Slang, and Flash, to which access can be readily obtained by reference to the indices of that ably conducted journal.
Our dear little friend Notes and Queries (London) has hundreds of references, explanations, and origins of Cant, Slang, and Flash, which can easily be accessed by looking at the indexes of that well-managed journal.
As a general remark on the songs which have been quoted, it should be borne in mind that prior to 1829 the punishment of death was inflicted for many offences which are now considered trivial, hence the frequent references they contain to hanging, and the gallows.
As a general comment on the songs that have been quoted, it should be noted that before 1829, the death penalty was applied for many offenses that we now see as minor, which is why there are so many mentions of hanging and the gallows.
The Printer’s Epitaph.
The Printer's Epitaph.
- No more shall copy bad perplex my brain;
- No more shall type’s small face my eyeballs strain;
- No more the proof’s foul page[337] create me troubles,
- By errors, transpositions, outs, and doubles;[338]
- No more to overrun shall I begin;
- No more be driving out or taking in;
- The stubborn pressman’s frown I now may scoff;
- Raised, and corrected, finally worked off!
From Songs of the Press, and other Poems relative to the Art of Printing. Collected by C. H. Timperley. London: Fisher, Son & Co., 1845.
From Songs of the Press, and other Poems related to the Art of Printing. Collected by C. H. Timperley. London: Fisher, Son & Co., 1845.
This work contains a large number of Poems and Parodies in Printer’s Slang, and has a good glossary of the technical terms and Slang used in printing offices.
This work includes many poems and parodies in printer's slang, along with a helpful glossary of the technical terms and slang used in printing shops.
——:o:——
——:o:——
Dictionaries and other Books
of Reference, on Cant and Slang.
Chronologically Arranged.
In Order By Date.
“A Caveat or Warening for Common Cursetors, vulgarly called Vagabones, set forth by Thomas Harman, Esquier, for the utilitie and proffyt of hys naturall Countrey, newly augumented and imprynted Anno Domini, 1567. Viewed, examined and allowed according unto the Queene Majesteyes injunctions. Imprinted at London, in Fletestret, at the signe of the Faulcon, by Wylliam Gryffith, and are to be solde at his shoppe in Saynt Dunstones Churche Yard in the West.”—This is generally acknowledged to have been the first work of its kind, namely, an attempt to form a Cant Dictionary. It was first printed in black letter, there have been several later editions, and Hotten in his Slang Dictionary reprints from it what he terms the “Rogues’ Dictionary.” This vocabulary contains about 150 entries.
A Caveat or Warning for Common Cursetors, commonly called Vagabonds, published by Thomas Harman, Esquire, for the benefit of his home country, newly expanded and printed in the year 1567. Reviewed, examined, and approved according to the Queen Majesty's orders. Printed in London, on Fleet Street, at the sign of the Falcon, by William Griffith, and to be sold at his shop in St. Dunstan's Church Yard in the West.—This is generally recognized as the first work of its kind, specifically, an attempt to create a Cant Dictionary. It was first printed in black letter, and there have been several later editions. Hotten, in his Slang Dictionary, reprints what he calls the “Rogues’ Dictionary” from it. This vocabulary contains about 150 entries.
A reprint of Harman’s Caveat, with illustrations and interesting notes, was published by Reeves and Turner in 1871, in Mr. Charles Hindley’s Old Book Collector’s Miscellany.
A reprint of Harman’s Caveat, with illustrations and interesting notes, was published by Reeves and Turner in 1871, in Mr. Charles Hindley’s Old Book Collector’s Miscellany.
The Fraternatye of Vacabondes, etc. Imprinted at London by John Awdeley, 1575.—Supposed to have been either written by Harman, or taken from his works.
The Fraternatye of Vacabondes, etc. Printed in London by John Awdeley, 1575.—Believed to have been either written by Harman or derived from his works.
The Bellman of London, by Thomas Decker.—Contains an account of the Canting Language. Black letter. London, 1608.
The Bellman of London, by Thomas Decker.—Includes a description of the Canting Language. Black letter. London, 1608.
Lanthorne and Candle-light, or the Bellman’s Second Night’s Walke.—By Thomas Decker. London. 1608-9 This is a continuation of Decker’s former work, and contains the Canter’s Dictionary. There were numerous editions of Decker’s works on this subject.
Lanthorne and Candle-light, or the Bellman’s Second Night’s Walk.—By Thomas Decker. London. 1608-9 This is a continuation of Decker’s previous work, and contains the Canter’s Dictionary. There were many editions of Decker’s works on this topic.
“Villanies discovered by Lanthorne and Candle-light, and the helpe of a new crier called O Per se O. Being an addition to the Bel-man’s second night-walke; and laying open to the world of those abuses, which the Bel-man (because he went i’th darke) could not see. With Canting Songs, and other new conceits never before Printed.” By Thomas Decker. Newly corrected and enlarged. Small quarto. London, Aug Mathewes, 1620. Very rare, and curious as containing a complete description of the thieving and swindling population of London at that time, with a Cant Vocabulary and Slang songs. There were several Editions of this work.
“Villainies uncovered by lantern and candlelight, along with the help of a new announcer called O Per se O. This is an addition to the Bel-man’s second night walk; revealing to the world the abuses that the Bel-man (since he operated in the dark) couldn't see. Featuring Canting songs and other new ideas never printed before.” By Thomas Decker. Newly corrected and expanded. Small quarto. London, Aug Mathewes, 1620. Very rare and interesting as it provides a complete description of the thieving and swindling population of London at that time, along with a Cant vocabulary and slang songs. There were several editions of this work.
The English Rogue, described in the Life of Meriton Latroon, a witty Extravagant. By Richard Head, 1671-80. This contains a list of Cant words, partly taken from Decker’s works.
The English Rogue, described in the Life of Meriton Latroon, a clever outcast. By Richard Head, 1671-80. This includes a list of slang words, partly taken from Dekker’s works.
Canting Academy; or, Villanies Discovered, wherein are shown the Mysterious and Villanous Practices of that Wicked Crew—Hectors, Trapanners, Gilts, etc., Also a Compleat Canting Dictionary. Compiled by Richard Head. 1674.
Canting Academy; or, Villainies Discovered, where the shady and deceitful tactics of that dishonest group—Hectors, Trapanners, Gilts, etc.,—are revealed. It also includes a complete canting dictionary. Compiled by Richard Head. 1674.
Ladies’ Dictionary, by Dunton, London, 1694.
Ladies’ Dictionary, by Dunton, London, 1694.
Dictionary of the Canting Crew (Ancient and Modern), of Gypsies, Beggars, Thieves, &c. About 1700.
Dictionary of the Canting Crew (Ancient and Modern), of Gypsies, Beggars, Thieves, etc. About 1700.
New Dictionary of the Terms (Ancient and Modern), of the Canting Crew in its several Tribes. By B. E. Gent. About 1710.—This work was the foundation of Bacchus and Venus, 1737, and of The Scoundrel’s Dictionary, 1754.
New Dictionary of the Terms (Ancient and Modern), of the Canting Crew in its various Tribes. By B. E. Gent. About 1710.—This work was the basis for Bacchus and Venus, 1737, and The Scoundrel’s Dictionary, 1754.
Regulator; or, a Discovery of the Thieves, Thief-takers, and Jocks, in and about London. With an account of all the Flash Words now in vogue amongst the thieves. By Charles Hitching, formerly City Marshall. London, 1718.
Regulator; or, a Discovery of the Thieves, Thief-takers, and Jocks, in and around London. With a rundown of all the Flash Words currently popular among the thieves. By Charles Hitching, formerly City Marshall. London, 1718.
Complete History of the Lives and Robberies of the most notorious Highwaymen, Footpads, Shop-lifters, and Cheats in and about London and Westminster. By Captain A. Smith. London, 1719.—This contains “The Thieves New Canting Dictionary of the Words, Proverbs, &c., used by Thieves.”
Complete History of the Lives and Robberies of the most notorious highway robbers, petty thieves, shoplifters, and con artists in and around London and Westminster. By Captain A. Smith. London, 1719.—This includes “The Thieves' New Slang Dictionary of the Terms, Proverbs, &c., used by Thieves.”
The Thieves’ Grammar. By Captain Alexander Smith. About 1720.
The Thieves’ Grammar. By Captain Alexander Smith. About 1720.
The Thieves’ Dictionary, by the same author. 1724.
The Thieves’ Dictionary, by the same author. 1724.
Canting Dictionary; comprehending all the Terms used by Gipsies, Beggars, Shoplifters, Highwaymen, Footpads, etc., with a collection of Songs in the Canting Dialect. A rechauffé of earlier works, 1725.
Canting Dictionary; including all the terms used by Gypsies, beggars, shoplifters, highwaymen, footpads, etc., along with a collection of songs in the canting dialect. A remix of earlier works, 1725.
The Golden Cabinet of Secrets, with a Canting Dictionary, by Dr. Surman. In seven parts. London, about 1730.
The Golden Cabinet of Secrets, with a Canting Dictionary, by Dr. Surman. In seven parts. London, around 1730.
The Triumph of Wit, or Ingenuity displayed, with the mystery and art of Canting, and Poems in the Canting Language, J. Clarke, 1735.
The Triumph of Wit, or Ingenuity displayed, with the mystery and art of Canting, and Poems in the Canting Language, J. Clarke, 1735.
Etymological English Dictionary. By Nathaniel Bailey, 2 Vols., 1737. A collection of ancient and modern Cant words appears as an appendix to this edition.
Etymological English Dictionary. By Nathaniel Bailey, 2 Vols., 1737. This edition includes an appendix with a collection of old and new slang words.
Bacchus and Venus; or a select Collection of Songs in the Canting Dialect, etc., with a Dictionary explaining the Canting Terms. 1731. Founded on B. E. Gent’s New Dictionary.
Bacchus and Venus; or a curated collection of songs in the slang dialect, etc., with a dictionary explaining the slang terms. 1731. Based on B. E. Gent’s New Dictionary.
The Life of an English Rogue. By Jeremy Sharp, 1740.—This contains a vocabulary of Gypsies’ Cant.
The Life of an English Rogue. By Jeremy Sharp, 1740.—This includes a glossary of Gypsy slang.
283 The History and Curious Adventures of Bampfylde-Moore Carew, King of the Mendicants. The first edition was published by R. Goodby, London, 1749.—This is a very common book, it should contain “A vocabulary of words used by the Scottish Gipsies,” “A few sentences in the Gipsy Language,” and “A Dictionary of the Cant Language generally used by mendicants.” These are incomplete and unsatisfactory.
283 The History and Curious Adventures of Bampfylde-Moore Carew, King of the Mendicants. The first edition was published by R. Goodby, London, 1749.—This is a very common book; it should include “A vocabulary of words used by the Scottish Gypsies,” “A few sentences in the Gypsy Language,” and “A Dictionary of the Cant Language typically used by beggars.” These are incomplete and unsatisfactory.
History of the Lives and Actions of Jonathan Wild, Blueskin, and John Sheppard; together with a Canting Dictionary, by Jonathan Wild, 1750.
History of the Lives and Actions of Jonathan Wild, Blueskin, and John Sheppard; along with a Canting Dictionary, by Jonathan Wild, 1750.
The Sportsman’s Dictionary. No date. Contains low sporting and pugilistic terms.
The Sportsman’s Dictionary. No date. Includes casual sporting and boxing terms.
Scoundrel’s Dictionary, or an Explanation of the Cant words used by Thieves, House Breakers, Street Robbers, and Pickpockets about Town, 1754. A reprint of Bacchus and Venus, 1737.
Scoundrel’s Dictionary, or an Explanation of the slang used by thieves, burglars, street robbers, and pickpockets around the city, 1754. A reprint of Bacchus and Venus, 1737.
The Triumph of Wit, or the Canting Dictionary. Dublin, about 1760.
The Triumph of Wit, or the Canting Dictionary. Dublin, around 1760.
The Discoveries of John Poulter. About 1770.—With an explanation of the “Language of Thieves, commonly called Cant.”
The Discoveries of John Poulter. Around 1770.—With an explanation of the “Language of Thieves, commonly known as Cant.”
Dictionary of the English Language, by Dr. John Ash, 1775.—Containing low, vulgar, slang, and cant terms.
Dictionary of the English Language, by Dr. John Ash, 1775.—Including informal, vulgar, slang, and jargon terms.
New and Complete Dictionary of the English Language. By John Ash, L.L.D., 1775.—Contains Cant words and phrases.
New and Complete Dictionary of the English Language. By John Ash, L.L.D., 1775.—Includes slang words and phrases.
A View of Society in High and Low Life. By George Parker, 1781.
A View of Society in High and Low Life. By George Parker, 1781.
The Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue. By Francis Grose.—The first edition was published in 1785. This is the foundation of most of the Slang Dictionaries which have since been compiled. Although it is one of the most indecent books ever printed in the English language it must be admitted that it was, at the time it appeared, the most complete and important Dictionary of street language, based on personal enquiry, and acquaintance with the habits of those who used “Cant.”
The Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue. By Francis Grose.—The first edition was published in 1785. This is the foundation of most of the Slang Dictionaries that have been created since. Although it is one of the most indecent books ever printed in English, it must be acknowledged that at the time it was released, it was the most comprehensive and significant Dictionary of street language, based on personal research and familiarity with the habits of those who used "Cant."
The Whole Art of Thieving and Defrauding Discovered; to which is added an Explanation of most of the Cant terms in the Thieving Language. 1786.
The Complete Guide to Stealing and Scamming Revealed; which also includes a Clarification of many of the Slang Terms in the Criminal Language. 1786.
Life’s Painter of Variegated Characters, with a Dictionary of Cant Language and Flash Songs. By George Parker, 1789.
Life’s Painter of Variegated Characters, with a Dictionary of Slang and Flash Songs. By George Parker, 1789.
New Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages, both ancient and modern, used by Gipsies, Beggars, Swindlers, Footpads, Highwaymen, etc. By H. T. Potter, of Clay, Worcestershire. 1790.
New Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages, both ancient and modern, used by Gypsies, Beggars, Swindlers, Thieves, Highway Robbers, etc. By H. T. Potter, of Clay, Worcestershire. 1790.
Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages, both ancient and modern. By Bailey. 1790.
Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages, both ancient and modern. By Bailey. 1790.
New Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages used by every class of Offenders, from a Lully Prigger to a High Tober Gloak. 179—
New Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages used by every type of Offender, from a petty thief to a high-class thief. 179—
A Political Dictionary: Explaining the True Meaning of Words. By the late Charles Pigott, Esq. London: D. I. Eaton, 1795.—A satirical work directed against the Monarchy, the Aristocracy, and the Government of the day, in the form of a dictionary.
A Political Dictionary: Explaining the True Meaning of Words. By the late Charles Pigott, Esq. London: D. I. Eaton, 1795.—A satirical piece aimed at the Monarchy, the Aristocracy, and the Government of the time, presented in dictionary format.
Blackguardiana; or, Dictionary of Rogues, Bawds, etc. By James Caulfield. 1795.
Blackguardiana; or, Dictionary of Rogues, Bawds, etc. By James Caulfield. 1795.
A coarse work, mainly founded on Grose’s “Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue.”
A rough piece of work, mostly based on Grose’s “Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue.”
Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages. London. 1797.
Dictionary of all the Cant and Flash Languages. London. 1797.
Anecdotes of the English Language, chiefly regarding the Local dialect of London and Environs. By Samuel Pegge. 1803.
Anecdotes of the English Language, mainly about the local dialect of London and its surrounding areas. By Samuel Pegge. 1803.
Dictionary of the Slang and Cant Languages, Ancient and Modern. By George Andrews. A sixpenny pamphlet. London, 1809.
Dictionary of the Slang and Cant Languages, Ancient and Modern. By George Andrews. A sixpenny pamphlet. London, 1809.
A Dictionary of Buckish Slang, University Wit, and Pickpocket Eloquence. 1811.
A Dictionary of Buckish Slang, University Wit, and Pickpocket Eloquence. 1811.
Lexicon Balatronicum. A Dictionary of Buckish Slang, University Wit, and Pickpocket Eloquence, compiled originally by Captain Grose, and now considerably altered and enlarged by a member of the Whip Club, assisted by Hell-Fire Dick, etc. London: C. Chappel, Pall Mall, 1811. With a folding plate by G. Cruikshank, entitled “Bang up Dinner; or, Love and Lingo.” This is a very comprehensive slang dictionary, containing extracts from flash songs and dialogues. It is exceedingly coarse and indelicate, and is consequently very scarce.
Lexicon Balatronicum. A Dictionary of Buckish Slang, University Wit, and Pickpocket Eloquence, originally compiled by Captain Grose, and now significantly updated and expanded by a member of the Whip Club, with assistance from Hell-Fire Dick, etc. London: C. Chappel, Pall Mall, 1811. Featuring a folding plate by G. Cruikshank, titled “Bang up Dinner; or, Love and Lingo.” This is a highly detailed slang dictionary, including excerpts from street songs and conversations. It is extremely crude and inappropriate, making it quite rare.
Bang-up Dictionary; or, the Lounger and Sportsman’s Vade Mecum. A Glossary of the Language of the Whips. 1812.
Bang-up Dictionary; or, the Lounger and Sportsman’s Vade Mecum. A Glossary of the Language of the Whips. 1812.
London Guide and Stranger’s Safeguard, against Cheats, Swindlers, and Pickpockets, By William Perry. 1818. Contains a Dictionary of Slang Words.
London Guide and Stranger’s Safeguard, against Cheats, Swindlers, and Pickpockets, By William Perry. 1818. Contains a Dictionary of Slang Words.
Life of the Count de Vaux, written by Himself, to which is added a Canting Dictionary. 1819.
Life of the Count de Vaux, written by Himself, to which is added a Slang Dictionary. 1819.
These memoirs were suppressed.
These memoirs were censored.
Tom Crib’s Memorial to Congress: With a Preface, Notes, and Appendix. By One of the Fancy. London, Longmans & Co., 1819. There were several Editions. This has been ascribed to Thomas Moore, it contains a parody of one of his poems, most of the other pieces contained in this little volume are descriptive of prize fights, and abound in slang; the burlesque preface and footnotes, are interesting, learned, and explanatory.
Tom Crib’s Memorial to Congress: With a Preface, Notes, and Appendix. By One of the Fancy. London, Longmans & Co., 1819. There were several editions. This has been attributed to Thomas Moore; it includes a parody of one of his poems. Most of the other pieces in this small volume describe prize fights and are full of slang. The humorous preface and footnotes are engaging, informative, and explanatory.
There is also a translation from the Fifth Book of Virgil’s Æneid in Slang, entitled “Account of the Milling-match between Entellus and Dares.”
There is also a translation from the Fifth Book of Virgil’s Æneid in slang, titled “Account of the Milling Match between Entellus and Dares.”
* * * * *
Understood! Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize.
Boxiana; or, Sketches of Modern Pugilism, by Pierce Egan. London, 1820.
Boxiana; or, Sketches of Modern Boxing, by Pierce Egan. London, 1820.
This is more particularly devoted to the Prize-ring, and its technicalities.
This is especially dedicated to the Prize-ring and its specifics.
The Fancy: A selection from the Poetical Remains of the late Peter Corcoran, of Gray’s Inn, Student at Lawe London, Taylor & Hessey. 1820. This is written in imitation of Tom Crib’s Memorial to Congress, and is generally ascribed to James Smith, one of the authors of The Rejected Addresses. It abounds in cant, slang, and terms of the prize ring, and has a short glossary of terms.
The Fancy: A selection from the Poetical Remains of the late Peter Corcoran, of Gray’s Inn, Student at Law London, Taylor & Hessey. 1820. This is written in imitation of Tom Crib’s Memorial to Congress, and is generally attributed to James Smith, one of the authors of The Rejected Addresses. It is filled with jargon, slang, and terms from boxing, and includes a brief glossary of terms.
The True History of Tom and Jerry; or, The Day and Night scenes of Life in London, with a Glossary of Slang. By Pierce Egan. About 1820.
The True History of Tom and Jerry; or, The Day and Night Scenes of Life in London, with a Glossary of Slang. By Pierce Egan. About 1820.
Flash Dictionary of the Cant Words, Queer Sayings, and Crack Terms now in use in Flash Cribb Society. By Mr. Duncombe. 1820.
Flash Dictionary of the Cant Words, Queer Sayings, and Crack Terms now in use in Flash Cribb Society. By Mr. Duncombe. 1820.
Jack Randall’s Diary of Proceedings at the Souse of Call for Genius. This is supposed to have been written by Thomas Moore, it contains numerous Slang parodies, relating to pugilism and fast life in London. 1820. Jack Randall was an ex-pugilist, who kept a 284 public-house called the Hole-in-the-Wall, Chancery Lane, frequented by the “fancy.” He died in 1828.
Jack Randall’s Diary of Proceedings at the Souse of Call for Genius. This is believed to have been written by Thomas Moore; it includes many slang parodies about boxing and the nightlife in London. 1820. Jack Randall was a former boxer who owned a pub called the Hole-in-the-Wall on Chancery Lane, often visited by the “fancy.” He passed away in 1828.
Essayes and Characters of a Prison and Prisoners. (Mynshull) Edinburgh, 1821. Contains an account of the Cant used in the prison.
Essays and Characters of a Prison and Prisoners. (Mynshull) Edinburgh, 1821. Contains a description of the slang used in the prison.
Life of David Haggart, written by himself while under sentence of Death. With a glossary of the Slang and Cant Words of the Day. 1821.
Life of David Haggart, written by him while facing the death penalty. With a glossary of the slang and cant words of the time. 1821.
Life in St. George’s Fields; or, the Rambles and Adventures of Disconsolate William, Esq., and his Surrey Friend, Flash Dick, with Songs and a Flash Dictionary. 1821.
Life in St. George’s Fields; or, the Adventures and Journeys of the Heartbroken William, Esq., and his Surrey Friend, Flash Dick, featuring Songs and a Flash Dictionary. 1821.
A Political Dictionary; or, Pocket Companion:—Chiefly designed for the use of Members of Parliament, Whigs, Tories, Loyalists, Magistrates, Clergymen, Half-pay Officers, Worshipful Aldermen and Reviewers; being an Illustration and Commentary on all Words, Phrases, and Proper Names in the Vocabulary of Corruption. With biographical illustrations from the lives of the most celebrated Corruptionists in Church and State. By the Editor of the “Black Book.” London: T. Dolby. 1821.
A Political Dictionary; or, Pocket Companion:—Mainly designed for Members of Parliament, Whigs, Tories, Loyalists, Judges, Clergymen, Retired Officers, Esteemed Aldermen, and Critics; providing an Illustration and Commentary on all Words, Phrases, and Proper Names in the Vocabulary of Corruption. With biographical illustrations from the lives of the most famous Corruptionists in Church and State. By the Editor of the “Black Book.” London: T. Dolby. 1821.
This work, which has a strong Radical bias, is satirically dedicated to the odious Lord Castlereagh, and is very outspoken in its denunciations of Bribery, Corruption, Pensioners, and Placemen, as witness the definition it gives of “Laureate (Poet),” “A fellow who barters his principles for a hundred pounds a year and a butt of sack.” This gibe was directed at the renegade republican Robert Southey, then Poet Laureate.
This work, which has a strong Radical bias, is sarcastically dedicated to the detestable Lord Castlereagh and is very direct in its criticisms of bribery, corruption, pensioners, and government appointees, as shown in its definition of “Winner (Poet),” “A person who trades his principles for a hundred pounds a year and a barrel of sherry.” This remark was aimed at the turncoat republican Robert Southey, who was the Poet Laureate at the time.
The Man of the World’s Dictionary. Anonymous. London: J. Appleyard. 1822.
The Man of the World’s Dictionary. Anonymous. London: J. Appleyard. 1822.
Translated from the Dictionnaire des Gens du Monde, a satirical work in the form of a dictionary.
Translated from the Dictionnaire des Gens du Monde, a satirical work in dictionary form.
Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, by Francis Grose, revised and corrected, with the addition of numerous Slang Phrases, collected from tried authorities, by Pierce Egan. London. 1823.—This is the best edition of Grose’s work.
Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, by Francis Grose, updated and corrected, with many slang phrases added, collected from reliable sources, by Pierce Egan. London. 1823.—This is the best edition of Grose’s work.
Dictionary of the Turf, the Ring, the Chase, the Pit, the Bon Ton, and the Varieties of Life, by John Bee, (i.e., John Badcock). 1823.
Dictionary of the Turf, the Ring, the Chase, the Pit, the Bon Ton, and the Varieties of Life, by John Bee, (i.e., John Badcock). 1823.
Gradus ad Cantabrigiam; or New University Guide to the Academical Customs, and Colloquial or Cant terms peculiar to The University of Cambridge. By a Brace of Cantabs. London. J. Hearne. 1824.—This is written in the form of a Dictionary, and contains some excellent parodies.
Gradus ad Cantabrigiam; or New University Guide to the Academical Customs, and Colloquial or Cant terms peculiar to The University of Cambridge. By a Brace of Cantabs. London. J. Hearne. 1824.—This is written as a Dictionary and includes some great parodies.
The Modern Flash Dictionary, containing all the Cant Words, Slang Terms, and Flash Phrases now in vogue. By E. Kent. 1825.
The Modern Flash Dictionary, containing all the slang words, colloquial terms, and trendy phrases currently in use. By E. Kent. 1825.
Modern Flash Dictionary, 48mo. 1825.—The smallest Slang Dictionary ever printed.
Modern Flash Dictionary, 48mo. 1825.—The tiniest Slang Dictionary ever published.
Sportsman’s Slang; A new Dictionary of Terms used in the affairs of the Turf, the Ring, the Chase, and the Cockpit. By John Bee (J. Badcock). 1825.
Sportsman’s Slang; A new Dictionary of Terms used in the world of Horse Racing, Boxing, Hunting, and Cockfighting. By John Bee (J. Badcock). 1825.
My Thought Book, by J. Thomas, 1825.—Contains a chapter on Slang.
My Thought Book, by J. Thomas, 1825.—Includes a chapter on slang.
Living Picture of London for 1828, and Strangers’ Guide through the streets of the Metropolis; showing the Frauds, the Arts, Snares and Wiles of all descriptions of Rogues, &c., 1828.—Giving an insight into the language of the streets.
Living Picture of London for 1828, and Strangers’ Guide through the streets of the Metropolis; showing the Frauds, the Arts, Snares and Wiles of all types of Rogues, etc., 1828.—Providing an insight into the language of the streets.
Mornings at Bow Street. By T. Wright, London, 1838. Contains Etymologies of a few Slang Words.
Mornings at Bow Street. By T. Wright, London, 1838. Contains the origins of a few slang words.
Poverty, Mendicity, and Crime; or the Facts, Examinations, &c. upon which the Report was founded, Presented to the House of Lords by W. A. Miles, Esq., to which is added a Dictionary of the Flash or Cant Language, known to every Thief and Beggar. Edited by H. Brandon, Esq., London; Shaw & Sons, 1839.—The Flash Dictionary only extends to six pages, followed by two examples of “flash” conversation, the first of which has already been quoted.
Poverty, Mendicity, and Crime; or the Facts, Examinations, &c. upon which the Report was based, Presented to the House of Lords by W. A. Miles, Esq., along with a Dictionary of the Flash or Cant Language, familiar to every Thief and Beggar. Edited by H. Brandon, Esq., London; Shaw & Sons, 1839.—The Flash Dictionary spans only six pages, followed by two examples of “flash” conversation, the first of which has already been quoted.
Sinks of London laid open, a Pocket Companion for the uninitiated, to which is added a Modern Flash Dictionary, with a List of the 60 orders of Prime Coves, the whole forming a True Picture of London Life, Cadging made Easy, the He-She Man, Smoking Kens, Lessons to Lovers, &c. With illustrations, by George Cruikshank, London, 1848.
Sinks of London laid open, a handy guide for those who don't know, includes a Modern Flash Dictionary, along with a list of the 60 types of main criminals, all creating an authentic snapshot of London life, making scrounging simple, the He-She Man, smoking spots, advice for lovers, etc. With illustrations by George Cruikshank, London, 1848.
London Labour and London Poor, 4 vols. By Henry Mayhew. London, 1851.
London Labour and London Poor, 4 vols. By Henry Mayhew. London, 1851.
In the Great World of London, written by the same gentleman, there is also some information about Cant and Slang Words.
In the Great World of London, written by the same author, there is also some information about slang and colloquial expressions.
Magistrates’ Assistant and Constables’ Guide. By Snowden, 1852.—Contains a “Glossary of the Flash Language.”
Magistrates’ Assistant and Constables’ Guide. By Snowden, 1852.—Includes a “Glossary of the Flash Language.”
Archaic Dictionary, by J. O. Halliwell, 2 vols. 1855.
Archaic Dictionary, by J. O. Halliwell, 2 vols. 1855.
The Vulgar Tongue: comprising two glossaries of Slang, Cant and Flash words and phrases, principally used in London at the present day. By Ducange Anglicus. London: Bernard Quaritch, 1857. Only 250 copies were printed of this edition. The first Glossary was original, the second was merely a reprint from the report entitled Poverty, Mendicity, and Crime, which see. It also contains The Leary Man, a Flash Song, and a Tailor’s Handbill in Slang, both of which have already been quoted.
The Vulgar Tongue: featuring two glossaries of slang, cant, and flash words and phrases commonly used in London today. By Ducange Anglicus. London: Bernard Quaritch, 1857. Only 250 copies of this edition were printed. The first glossary was original, while the second was simply a reprint from the report titled Poverty, Mendicity, and Crime, which you can refer to. It also includes The Leary Man, a flash song, and a tailor’s handbill in slang, both of which have been quoted previously.
Essay on Church Parties. By Dean Conybeare, containing examples of clerical, or pulpit Slang. 1858.
Essay on Church Parties. By Dean Conybeare, featuring examples of clerical or pulpit slang. 1858.
The Slang Dictionary; or, the Vulgar words, Street Phrases and “Fast” expressions of High and Low Society. This was first published in London by John Camden Hotten in 1859 as The Dictionary of Modern Slang, Cant, and Vulgar words, a second edition appeared in 1860; the above named which appeared in 1864, contained much more matter than its predecessors. There have been several editions published more recently. Speaking in a general sense this appears to be by far the most interesting, as it is also the most useful work on Slang for modern readers. Naturally it contains a few coarse and vulgar expressions, but none of an obscene or indelicate description. It has a bibliography of Slang and Cant, which is, however, incomplete.
The Slang Dictionary; or, the informal words, street phrases, and trendy expressions of all classes. This was first published in London by John Camden Hotten in 1859 as The Dictionary of Modern Slang, Cant, and Vulgar Words. A second edition came out in 1860; the aforementioned edition, which was published in 1864, included much more content than its predecessors. There have been several newer editions published since then. Generally speaking, this seems to be the most interesting, as it is also the most useful work on Slang for today's readers. Naturally, it includes a few rough and inappropriate expressions, but none that are obscene or overly offensive. It features a bibliography of Slang and Cant, which is, however, not complete.
The History of a Manchester Cadger; narrated in his own language. Price, one penny.—This was an impudent theft from Hotten’s Slang Dictionary.
The History of a Manchester Cadger; told in his own words. Price, one penny.—This was a bold theft from Hotten’s Slang Dictionary.
Miss Polly-Glott’s Dictionary of the Future.—This was a satirical Dictionary which appeared in several parts of The Girl of the Period Miscellany. London. 1869.
Miss Polly-Glott’s Dictionary of the Future.—This was a satirical dictionary that was released in multiple installments of The Girl of the Period Miscellany. London. 1869.
A Pedlar’s Pack of Ballads and Songs. By W. H. Logan. Edinburgh; William Paterson. 1869.—This contains about a dozen slang songs, the best of which have been already quoted.
A Pedlar’s Pack of Ballads and Songs. By W. H. Logan. Edinburgh; William Paterson. 1869.—This includes around twelve slang songs, the best of which have already been mentioned.
The Life and Times of James Catnach, (late of Seven Dials) Ballad Monger. By Charles Hindley. London. Reeves and Turner. 1878.—Contains old Cant Ballads, and notes on Thieves and their haunts.
The Life and Times of James Catnach, (formerly of Seven Dials) Ballad Seller. By Charles Hindley. London. Reeves and Turner. 1878.—Includes traditional Cant Ballads and commentary on Thieves and their hideouts.
Macmillan’s Magazine, October, 1879. Autobiography of a Thief, by Rev. J. W. Horsley.—See also Jottings from Jail. 1887.
Macmillan’s Magazine, October, 1879. Autobiography of a Thief, by Rev. J. W. Horsley.—See also Jottings from Jail. 1887.
Flights of Fancy by E. L. Blanchard. London: E. W. Allen, 1882. This has a more explanatory sub-title; “The Comic Encyclopædia, a Dictionary of Definitions for the use of Punsters,” this in reality is a humorous and satirical dictionary. This work originally appeared in parts in the early numbers of Fun. London.
Flights of Fancy by E. L. Blanchard. London: E. W. Allen, 1882. This has a more descriptive subtitle; “The Comic Encyclopædia, a Dictionary of Definitions for the use of Punsters,” which is actually a humorous and satirical dictionary. This work originally came out in parts in the early editions of Fun. London.
Jottings from Jail; Notes and Papers on Prison matters. By the Rev. J. W. Horsley M.A., London. T. Fisher Unwin, 1887.
Jottings from Jail; Notes and Papers on Prison matters. By Rev. J. W. Horsley Master's Degree, London. T. Fisher Unwin, 1887.
This contains “An Autobiography of a Thief, in Cant or Thieves’ language,” which had previously appeared in Macmillan’s Magazine for October, 1879. This was also reprinted, with a French translation, in Mr. A. Barrère’s splendid work Argot and Slang.
This contains “An Autobiography of a Thief, in Cant or Thieves’ language,” which had previously appeared in Macmillan’s Magazine for October, 1879. This was also reprinted, along with a French translation, in Mr. A. Barrère’s excellent work Argot and Slang.
The A. B. C. of a New Dictionary of Flash, Cant, Slang and Vulgar Words, Proverbs and Provincialisms, their Explication and Illustration. On the basis of Bailey and Grose. London, no date, but probably printed about 1866. This exceedingly scarce and rather coarse little book (110 pages) has no author’s or publisher’s name. It only deals with the first three letters of the alphabet, and was evidently intended as the first instalment of a very complete dictionary, an intention which was not carried into effect. Only a few copies were printed.
The A. B. C. of a New Dictionary of Flash, Cant, Slang and Vulgar Words, Proverbs and Provincialisms, their Explanation and Illustration. Based on Bailey and Grose. London, no date, but likely printed around 1866. This very rare and somewhat crude little book (110 pages) has no author or publisher name. It only covers the first three letters of the alphabet and was clearly meant to be the first installment of a much more comprehensive dictionary, a plan that was never fulfilled. Only a few copies were printed.
New Canting Dictionary. N.D.
New Canting Dictionary. N.D.
A new Dictionary of the Jaunting Crew. N.D.
A new Dictionary of the Jaunting Crew. N.D.
The Gipsy Vocabulary, Edited by W. Pinkerton.
The Gipsy Vocabulary, Edited by W. Pinkerton.
Every Day Life in our Public Schools. By C. E. Pascoe. London.
Every Day Life in our Public Schools. By C. E. Pascoe. London.
The Seven Curses of London. By James Greenwood.
The Seven Curses of London. By James Greenwood.
A Supplementary English Glossary. By T. L. O. Davies. London, 1881.
A Supplementary English Glossary. By T. L. O. Davies. London, 1881.
“The True History of Tom and Jerry; or The Day and Night Scenes of Life in London from the Start to the Finish! With a key to the Persons and Places, together with a Vocabulary and Glossary of the Flash and Slang terms occurring in the course of the work.” By Charles Hindley. London, Reeves & Turner, 1889.
“The True History of Tom and Jerry; or The Day and Night Scenes of Life in London from Beginning to End! With a guide to the Characters and Locations, along with a Vocabulary and Glossary of the Flash and Slang terms found throughout the work.” By Charles Hindley. London, Reeves & Turner, 1889.
This is a reprint of Pierce Egan’s Tom and Jerry and The Finish to the Adventures of Tom, Jerry, and Logic, with an interesting and profusely illustrated introduction, by Mr. Hindley. The Glossary has been revised and brought down to date, and altogether the book is as curious and as amusing a record of “Life in London” seventy years ago as can be desired. Only two hundred and fifty copies have been printed.
This is a reprint of Pierce Egan’s Tom and Jerry and The Finish to the Adventures of Tom, Jerry, and Logic, featuring an engaging and richly illustrated introduction by Mr. Hindley. The glossary has been updated and modernized, making this book a fascinating and entertaining account of “Life in London” from seventy years ago. Only two hundred and fifty copies have been printed.
A Dictionary of Slang, Jargon, and Cant, embracing English, American, and Anglo-Indian Slang, Pidgin English, Tinkers’ Jargon, and other irregular Phraseology, compiled and edited by Albert Barrère and Charles G. Leland. Printed, for subscribers only, at the Ballantyne Press. 1889. Only the first volume (A to K) of this work has as yet been issued.
A Dictionary of Slang, Jargon, and Cant, covering English, American, and Anglo-Indian slang, Pidgin English, Tinkers’ jargon, and other informal language, compiled and edited by Albert Barrère and Charles G. Leland. Printed exclusively for subscribers at the Ballantyne Press. 1889. Only the first volume (A to K) of this work has been published so far.
AMERICAN AND COLONIAL SLANG.
AMERICAN AND COLONIAL SLANG.
Essays on Americanisms, Perversions of Language in the United States, Cant Phrases, &c.—By Dr. Witherspoon, Philadelphia, 1801.
Essays on Americanisms, Language Twists in the United States, Slang Terms, etc.—By Dr. Witherspoon, Philadelphia, 1801.
Probably the earliest work on Americanisms.
Probably the earliest work on American slang.
Vocabulary, or Collection of Words and Phrases which have been supposed to be peculiar to the United States of America. By F. Pickering, Boston, 1816.
Vocabulary, or Collection of Words and Phrases that are thought to be unique to the United States of America. By F. Pickering, Boston, 1816.
Letter to the Hon. John Pickering, on the subject of his Vocabulary, or Collection of Words and Phrases supposed to be peculiar to the United States. By Noah Webster, Boston, 1817.
Letter to the Hon. John Pickering, regarding his Vocabulary, or Collection of Words and Phrases thought to be unique to the United States. By Noah Webster, Boston, 1817.
Collection of College Words and Customs. By B. H. Hall. Cambridge (U.S.) 1856.
Collection of College Words and Customs. By B. H. Hall. Cambridge (U.S.) 1856.
Dictionary of Americanisms; a Glossary of Words and Phrases colloquially used in the United States. By John Russell Bartlett. New York, 1859.
Dictionary of Americanisms; a glossary of words and phrases commonly used in the United States. By John Russell Bartlett. New York, 1859.
Glossary of supposed Americanisms; Vulgar and Slang words used in the United States, by Alfred L. Elwyn. 1859.
Glossary of supposed Americanisms; Vulgar and slang words used in the United States, by Alfred L. Elwyn. 1859.
Gazetteer of Georgia, U.S. By Sherwood. This contains a glossary of the Slang and Vulgar words peculiar to the Southern States of the U.S.A.
Gazetteer of Georgia, U.S. By Sherwood. This includes a glossary of the slang and informal words unique to the Southern States of the U.S.A.
A Handbook of Sayings and Phrases. By J. A. Mair. London, George Routledge and Sons. About 1880. This useful little work contains not only many English Slang Words, but also a collection of American Words and Phrases.
A Handbook of Sayings and Phrases. By J. A. Mair. London, George Routledge and Sons. About 1880. This handy book includes not just a lot of English slang words, but also a variety of American words and phrases.
Americanisms, Old and New, being a collection of words, phrases, and colloquialisms peculiar to the United States British America, the West Indies, etc. By John S. Farmer. Privately printed 1889. This contains a good many words pertaining to transatlantic cant, or thieves’ slang. An amusing article on this book appeared in The Daily News, January 31, 1889.
Americanisms, Old and New, is a collection of words, phrases, and slang specific to the United States, British America, the West Indies, and more. By John S. Farmer. Privately printed 1889. This includes a lot of terms related to transatlantic slang, or thieves’ language. An entertaining article about this book was published in The Daily News, January 31, 1889.
School Life at Winchester College, giving an account of the Language of Ziph. By Professor Mansfield.
School Life at Winchester College, describing the Language of Ziph. By Professor Mansfield.
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CONTINENTAL BOOKS OF REFERENCE ON “ARGOT” OR SLANG.
CONTINENTAL BOOKS OF REFERENCE ON “ARGOT” OR SLANG.
La Comédie des Proverbes. Par Adrien de Montluc. 1633.
La Comédie des Proverbes. By Adrien de Montluc. 1633.
Dictionnaire des Halles. Bruxelles, 1696. A scarce and very curious slang dictionary.
Dictionnaire des Halles. Brussels, 1696. A rare and very interesting slang dictionary.
Dictionnaire Comique, Satyrique, Critique, Burlesque, Libre et Proverbial. Avec une explication très-fidèle de toutes les manières de parler Burlesques, Comiques, Libres, Satyriques, Critiques et Proverbiales, qui peuvent se rencontrer dans les meilleurs Auteurs, tant anciens que modernes. Par Philibert Joseph Le Roux. Lyons, 1735. Other editions 1752 and 1786.
Comic, Satirical, Critical, Burlesque, Free and Proverbial Dictionary. This book includes a detailed explanation of all styles of expression that are Burlesque, Comic, Free, Satirical, Critical, and Proverbial, as found in the works of the finest authors from both ancient and modern times. By Philibert Joseph Le Roux. Lyons, 1735. Other editions 1752 and 1786.
(The editor’s copy of this curious work was published by Michel Charles le Cene, at Amsterdam, 1718, and was purchased in July 1889, at Sotheby’s sale of the Library of the Right Hon. and Reverend the Earl of Buckinghamshire.)
(The editor’s copy of this curious work was published by Michel Charles le Cene, in Amsterdam, 1718, and was purchased in July 1889, at Sotheby’s sale of the Library of the Right Hon. and Reverend the Earl of Buckinghamshire.)
Le Poissardiana. 1756.
Le Poissardiana. 1756.
Amusements à la Grecque, ou les Soirées de la Halle. Par un Ami de feu Vadé. Paris, 1764.
Amusements à la Grecque, or the Evenings at the Hall. By a Friend of the late Vadé. Paris, 1764.
Amusements rapsodi-poétiques. 1773.
Poetic amusements. 1773.
Nouveau Dictionnaire Proverbial, Satirique et Burlesque. Plus complet que ceux qui ont paru jusqu’à ce jour, à l’usage de tout le monde. Par A. Caillot. Paris. Dauvin, 1826.
New Proverbial, Satirical, and Humorous Dictionary. More comprehensive than those published to date, for everyone's use. By A. Caillot. Paris. Dauvin, 1826.
Illustrated by many interesting quotations from the old French classical writers.
Illustrated with many engaging quotes from the old French classical writers.
286 Dictionnaire d’Argot, ou la Langue des Voleurs devoilée, contenant les moyens de se mettre en garde contre les Ruses des Filous. Paris. 1830 (?)
286 Dictionary of Slang, or the Language of Thieves Revealed, containing ways to guard against the Tricks of Scoundrels. Paris. 1830 (?)
Histoire de Collet et de plusieurs autres Voleurs anciens et modernes, suivie d’un Dictionnaire Argot-Francais. Paris, 1849.
History of Collet and several other ancient and modern thieves, followed by a French-Slang Dictionary. Paris, 1849.
Macaroneana, ou Mélange de Littérature Macaronique des différents Peuples de l’Europe. Par Octave Delepierre. 1852.
Macaroneana, or Mixture of Macaronic Literature from Different Peoples of Europe. By Octave Delepierre. 1852.
Etudes de Philologie comparée sur l’Argot. Par Francisque Michel. Paris. 1856.
Studies in Comparative Philology on Slang. By Francisque Michel. Paris. 1856.
Dictionnaire d’Argot, ou Etudes de Philologie comparée sur l’Argot. Par Francisque Michel. Paris. 1856.
Dictionnaire d’Argot, or Studies in Comparative Philology on Slang. By Francisque Michel. Paris. 1856.
Le Dictionnaire des Précieuses. Par A. B. de Somaize. Nouvelle edition par Ch. L. Livet. 1856.
Le Dictionnaire des Précieuses. By A. B. de Somaize. New edition by Ch. L. Livet. 1856.
Récréations Philologiques. Par F. Génin. Paris. 1858.
Philological Recreations. By F. Génin. Paris. 1858.
Liber Vagatorum. Der Betler Orden. The Book of Vagabonds and Beggars, with a vocabulary of their Language. Now first translated into English, with Notes, by John Camden Hotten. 4to. London. 1859.—For an account of this work see Hotten’s Slang Dictionary.
Liber Vagatorum. The Beggar Order. The Book of Vagabonds and Beggars, with a vocabulary of their language. Now first translated into English, with notes, by John Camden Hotten. 4to. London. 1859.—For an account of this work see Hotten’s Slang Dictionary.
Glossaire Erotique de la Langue Française. Par Louis de Landes. Bruxelles, 1861.
Glossaire Erotique de la Langue Française. By Louis de Landes. Brussels, 1861.
Curiosités de l’Etymologie française. Par Charles Nisard. Paris, 1863.
Curiosities of French Etymology. By Charles Nisard. Paris, 1863.
Vocabulaire des Houilleurs Liégois. Par S. Bormans. 1864.
Vocabulary of the Liège Miners. By S. Bormans. 1864.
Dictionnaire de la Langue Verte, par Alfred Delvau. Paris. Second edition, 1867.
Dictionnaire de la Langue Verte by Alfred Delvau. Paris. Second edition, 1867.
Almanach de la Langue Verte pour l’année 1868, à l’usage des Bons Zigues.
Almanac of the Green Language for the year 1868, for the use of Good Guys.
Almanach Chantant. 1869.
Chanting Almanac. 1869.
Dictionnaire Historique, Etymologique, et Anecdotique de l’Argot Parisien. Par L. Larchey. Paris, 1872. (There have been several editions of this work).
Historical, Etymological, and Anecdotal Dictionary of Parisian Slang. By L. Larchey. Paris, 1872. (There have been several editions of this work).
De quelques Parisianismes populaires et autres Locutions. Par Charles Nisard. Paris, 1876.
On Some Popular Parisianisms and Other Expressions. By Charles Nisard. Paris, 1876.
Dictionnaire Historique l’Argot. Par Lorédan Larchey. Paris, 1880.
Dictionnaire Historique l’Argot. By Lorédan Larchey. Paris, 1880.
Dictionnaire d’Argot Moderne. Par Lucien Rigaud. Paris, 1881.
Dictionnaire d’Argot Moderne. By Lucien Rigaud. Paris, 1881.
Dictionnaire de l’Argot des Typographes. Par Eugène Boutmy. Paris, 1883.
Dictionnaire de l’Argot des Typographes. By Eugène Boutmy. Paris, 1883.
Dictionnaire de l’Argot Moderne. Par L. Rigaud. Paris, 1883.
Dictionnaire de l’Argot Moderne. By L. Rigaud. Paris, 1883.
Dictionnaire de la Langue Verte, par Delvau et Fustier.
Dictionnaire de la Langue Verte, by Delvau and Fustier.
The last and best edition, with a supplement, was published in Paris in 1883.
The final and best edition, including a supplement, was published in Paris in 1883.
L’Argot des Nomades en Basse-Brétagne. Par N. Quellien. Paris, 1885.
The Slang of the Nomads in Lower Brittany. By N. Quellien. Paris, 1885.
L’Argot des Nomades de la Basse-Brétagne. Par N. Quellien. Paris, 1886.
L’Argot des Nomades de la Basse-Brétagne. By N. Quellien. Paris, 1886.
La Langue Verte du Troupier. Par Léon Merlin. Paris, 1886.
La Langue Verte du Troupier. By Léon Merlin. Paris, 1886.
Le Jargon, ou Langage de l’Argot reformé. Epinal. N.D.
Le Jargon, or Language of Reformed Slang. Epinal. N.D.
Paris Voleur. Par Pierre Delcourt. Paris, 1887.
Paris Voleur. By Pierre Delcourt. Paris, 1887.
Dictionnaire Erotique Moderne. Par un Professeur de la langue Verte. (Alfred Delvau.)
Modern Erotic Dictionary. By a Professor of the Green Language. (Alfred Delvau.)
Les Formules du Docteur Grégoire, Dictionnaire du Figaro. Par A. Decourcelle. Paris: J. Hetzel. No date.
Les Formules du Docteur Grégoire, Dictionnaire du Figaro. By A. Decourcelle. Paris: J. Hetzel. No date.
An amusing satirical work, in which many humourous definitions are arranged in the form of a dictionary.
An entertaining satirical piece, featuring a collection of funny definitions presented like a dictionary.
Histoire de la Prostitution, par Léo Taxil. Paris. N.D.
Histoire de la Prostitution, by Léo Taxil. Paris. N.D.
Argot and Slang; a new French and English Dictionary of the Cant Words, Quaint Expressions, Slang Terms and Flash Phrases used in old and new Paris. By A. Barrère. London. Privately printed at the Chiswick Press, by C. Whittingham and Co. 1887.
Argot and Slang; a modern French and English Dictionary of the slang words, unique expressions, colloquial terms, and trendy phrases used in both old and new Paris. By A. Barrère. London. Privately printed at the Chiswick Press, by C. Whittingham and Co. 1887.
This splendid work contains historical notices of the various canting languages, a number of songs both in French and English slang, and a French translation of the Rev. J. W. Horsley’s Autobiography of a Thief in Thieves’ Language.
This amazing work includes historical information on different slang languages, several songs in both French and English slang, and a French translation of Rev. J. W. Horsley’s Autobiography of a Thief in Thieves’ Language.
M. Barrère gives a long list of the works he has consulted, and in the body of his book brief extracts are given to show the application and contexts of the examples.
M. Barrère provides an extensive list of the works he's referenced, and throughout his book, there are short excerpts included to demonstrate how the examples are applied and their contexts.
Books on foreign slang are very numerous. Besides those already mentioned the following are well known:—“Le Jargon, ou Langage de l’Argot reformé,” &c. (à Troyés), par Yves Girardin, 1660; another by Antoine Dubois, 1680; “Le Jargon ou Langage de l’Argot reformé, pour l’instruction des bons Grivois,” &c., à Lavergne, chex Mezière, Babillandier du Grand Coëre, 1848; “Le Jargon de l’Argot,” par Techener (several editions).
Books on foreign slang are very numerous. Besides those already mentioned, the following are well-known: “Le Jargon, ou Langage de l’Argot reformé,” etc. (à Troyés), by Yves Girardin, 1660; another by Antoine Dubois, 1680; “Le Jargon ou Langage de l’Argot reformé, pour l’instruction des bons Grivois,” etc., à Lavergne, chez Mezière, Babillandier du Grand Coëre, 1848; “Le Jargon de l’Argot,” by Techener (several editions).
Alfred Delvau published his “Dictionnaire de la Langue Verte, Argots Parisiens comparés,” in 1866, and a second edition in 1867. A third “augmentée d’un supplément par G. Fustier” appeared in 1883. The same author published the “Dictionnaire Erotique Moderne” in 1864. Other editions followed in 1874 and 1875.
Alfred Delvau released his “Dictionnaire de la Langue Verte, Argots Parisiens comparés” in 1866, with a second edition in 1867. A third edition, “augmented with a supplement by G. Fustier,” came out in 1883. The same author published the “Dictionnaire Erotique Moderne” in 1864, with additional editions in 1874 and 1875.
Lorédan Larchey wrote “Les Excentricités de la Langue Française” in 1860; the fourth edition appeared in 1862. In 1872 the title was changed to “Dictionnaire Historique Etymologique et Anecdotique de l’Argot Parisien. Sixième Edition des Excentricités du Langage mise à la hauteur des Revolutions du Jour.” In 1880 the eighth edition was called “Dictionnaire Historique d’Argot”; and a supplement appeared in 1883.
Lorédan Larchey wrote “Les Excentricités de la Langue Française” in 1860; the fourth edition came out in 1862. In 1872, the title was changed to “Dictionnaire Historique Etymologique et Anecdotique de l’Argot Parisien. Sixth Edition of the Eccentricities of Language Updated for the Changes of the Day.” In 1880, the eighth edition was titled “Dictionnaire Historique d’Argot,” and a supplement was released in 1883.
It has not been attempted here to give more than a brief bibliography of the principal French works treating of Argot in an explanatory, or historical manner.
It hasn't been attempted here to provide more than a brief bibliography of the main French works discussing Argot in an explanatory or historical way.
Those who wish to pursue the subject further, and to study examples, must consult the old poems of Maitre Francois Villon and Molière, and the writings of Rabelais, Beaumarchais, Eugene Sue, Victor Hugo, Emile Zola, Champfleury, Honoré de Balzac, Pierre de Brantôme, Alphonse Daudet, Emile Gaboriau, Charles Nodier, Jean Richepin, and the classical Memoires de Monsieur Vidocq.
Those who want to explore the topic more and study examples should look into the old poems of Master François Villon and Molière, as well as the works of Rabelais, Beaumarchais, Eugène Sue, Victor Hugo, Émile Zola, Champfleury, Honoré de Balzac, Pierre de Brantôme, Alphonse Daudet, Émile Gaboriau, Charles Nodier, Jean Richepin, and the classic *Mémoires de Monsieur Vidocq*.
CROSS READINGS.
| A Recommendation Letter from Cardinal Richelieu. | |
|---|---|
| Mr. Campoa, Savoyard and Friar, | of the holy order of St. Bennet, |
| is to be the bearer to you of | some news from me, by means of |
| this letter; he is one of the most | discreet, wise, and least |
| vicious persons that I ever yet knew, | amongst all I have conversed with |
| and hath earnestly desired me | to write to you in his favour, and |
| to give him a letter for you of | credence in his behalf and my |
| recommendation, which to his | merit (I assure you) rather than his |
| importunity, I have granted; for | he deserves greatly your esteem, and |
| I should be sorry you should be | backward to oblige him by being |
| mistaken in not knowing him, | I should be concern’d if you were |
| as very many others have been | already upon that account, |
| who are of my best friends. | Hence, and for no other motive, |
| I am desirous to advertise you | that you are obliged for my sake |
| to take especial notice of him, | to pay him all possible respect, |
| and to say nothing before him | that may offend or displease him |
| in any sort; for I may truly | say, he is a worthy man, and |
| assure you, there can’t be a more | convincing argument of an |
| unworthy person in the world, | than to be able to injure him. |
| I am sure, that as soon as you | cease being a stranger to his virtue, & |
| have any acquaintance with him, | you will love him as well as I, and |
| I shall receive thanks for the advice. | The assurance I have of your |
| Civility hindereth me to write | farther of him to you, or to say |
| any more on the subject. | |
An invention of the like kind is the Jesuits Double-faced Creed, which was published in the history of Popery, 1679, and which, according to the different readings, may suit either Papist or Protestant.
An invention of the same kind is the Jesuits' Double-faced Creed, which was published in the history of Popery in 1679, and which, based on different interpretations, can accommodate either Catholics or Protestants.
| The Jesuits’ Two-Faced Creed. | |
|---|---|
| I hold for faith | What England’s church allows, |
| What Rome’s church saith | My conscience disavows. |
| Where the king is head | The flock can take no shame, |
| The flock’s misled | Who hold the pope supreme. |
| Where the altar’s drest | The worship’s scarce divine, |
| The people’s blest | Whose table’s bread and wine. |
| He’s but an ass | Who their communion flies, |
| Who shuns the mass | Is catholic and wise. |
| In Latin. | |
|---|---|
| Pro fide teneo sana | Quae docet Anglicana |
| Affirmat quae Romana | Videnter mihi vana, |
| Supremus quando rex est | Tum plebs est fortunata, |
| Erraticus tum Grex est | Cum caput fiat papa, |
| Altare cum ornatur | Communio fit inanis, |
| Populus tum beatur | Cum mensa vino panis, |
| Asini nomen meruit | Hunc morem qui non capit, |
| Missam qui deseruit | Catholicus est et sapit. |
The following lines were found in the pocket of the Marquis of Tullabardine on his death in July, 1746. Read across, the cause of the Stuart family is advocated, whilst that of the Hanoverians is pleaded if the short lines are read straight down.
The following lines were found in the pocket of the Marquis of Tullabardine after he died in July 1746. Reading across, you can see the support for the Stuart family, while reading the short lines straight down makes the case for the Hanoverians.
| I love wᵗʰ all my Heart | The Stuart’s party Here |
| The Hanoverian part | Most hateful doth appear |
| And for the Settlement | I ever have denied |
| My Conscience gives Consent | To be on Jemmy’s side |
| Most righteous is the Cause | To be for such a King |
| To fight for George’s Laws | Will Britain ruin bring |
| This is my Mind and Heart | In this Opinion I |
| Tho’ none shoᵈ take my part | Resolve to live and die. |
Two Views of Married Life.
Two Perspectives on Marriage.
The first view is attained by reading the verses as they are printed, the second view appears by reading the lines alternately, the first and third, then the second and fourth.
The first perspective is achieved by reading the verses as they are printed, the second perspective comes from reading the lines alternately: first and third, then second and fourth.
A mangled and spoilt version of this very old poem was recently given in The Sporting Times, (September 4, 1889), as original matter.
A distorted and ruined version of this very old poem was recently published in The Sporting Times, (September 4, 1889), as original content.
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Religious and Political Parodies.
Those parodies which deal with Religious and Political questions are alike in that they are both of great antiquity, and that, no matter how harmless they may be, they are sure to displease a certain proportion of their readers. Thus the parodies that were published by William Hone were both religious and political, and they gave great offence to the supporters of the government of his day, yet any history of English parody that should omit the parodies which gave rise to his three trials would be ridiculously incomplete. It is difficult to adequately treat of the topic without appearing to ridicule that which to many appears too solemn for burlesque.
Those parodies that address religious and political issues are similar in that they have a long history and, regardless of how harmless they might be, they're guaranteed to upset a certain percentage of their audience. The parodies published by William Hone were both religious and political, causing significant offense to the supporters of the government at that time. Any history of English parody that fails to include the parodies that led to his three trials would be absurdly incomplete. It's challenging to discuss this topic adequately without seeming to make fun of what many consider too serious for humor.
But in the following pages a broad distinction has been drawn, those Parodies only have been admitted which, whilst imitating the form or language of portions of the liturgy, have no tendency to ridicule religion in itself, nor to burlesque any of its dogmas. It should be remembered that much of the phraseology we associate with the Liturgy is simply old fashioned English, such as was in common use at the time the Scriptures were translated into English, and when the services of the Church of England were first compiled. There can therefore be nothing impious in applying similar language to other subjects, and many eminent churchmen have used the liturgical forms of expression in answering and ridiculing the arguments of their opponents.
But in the following pages, a clear distinction is made: only those Parodies that imitate the form or language of parts of the liturgy without mocking religion itself or making fun of its beliefs have been included. It's important to remember that much of the language we connect with the Liturgy is simply outdated English, which was commonly used when the Scriptures were first translated into English and when the Church of England's services were initially created. Therefore, there is nothing disrespectful about using similar language for other topics, and many prominent church leaders have used liturgical expressions to respond to and mock the arguments of their opponents.
There would be little difficulty in showing that in the matter of Parodies no one creed has been less considerate of their neighbours religious opinions than the Protestants, and that, from the days of Luther, the Reformers have left no weapon unemployed which could, in their opinion, do injury to the older form of Catholicism.
There would be little difficulty in showing that when it comes to parodies, no single belief system has been less respectful of their neighbors' religious views than the Protestants, and that since the days of Luther, the Reformers have used every means at their disposal that they thought could harm the older form of Catholicism.
When that pattern of filial devotion, Mary the Second, came over with her husband to dispossess her father of his kingdom, we read that he who, with all his faults, had been a kind father, exclaimed “Heaven help me, since even my own children desert me!” It was in the name of holy Religion that James the Second was banished from this country, and his enemies, to show how truly christianlike they were, addressed the following poem to his daughter. In this, not content with burlesquing one of the most beautiful portions of the Catholic Church service, they compare this Mary, descended from the Stuarts, with the Virgin Mary.
When Mary the Second came over with her husband to take her father's kingdom, we read that he, despite all his flaws, had been a loving father, cried out, "Heaven help me, even my own children have abandoned me!" It was in the name of holy Religion that James the Second was exiled from this country, and his enemies, wanting to show how truly Christian they were, wrote the following poem to his daughter. In this, they not only mocked one of the most beautiful parts of the Catholic Church service but also compared this Mary, a descendant of the Stuarts, to the Virgin Mary.
THE
Protestants Ave Mary,
on the
Arrival of Her most Gracious Majesty,
MARY,
Queen of England.
THE
Protestants Hail Mary,
on the
Arrival of Her most Gracious Majesty,
MARY,
Queen of the UK.
This poem is dated “London, 1689. Printed for R. Baldin near the Black-Bull in the Old Baily.”
This poem is dated “London, 1689. Printed for R. Baldin near the Black Bull in the Old Bailey.”
The Parody of Scripture may be raised above mere travesty by a vein of earnestness in the motive. Luther intended no violence to the first Psalm when he thus parodied it:—
The Parody of Scripture can be elevated beyond simple mockery through a sincere motivation. Luther meant no disrespect to the first Psalm when he parodied it:—
“Blessed is the man that hath not walked in the way of the Sacramentarians, nor sat in the seat of the Zuringlians, nor followed in the Council of the Zurichers.”
“Blessed is the person who has not walked in the path of the Sacramentarians, nor sat in the place of the Zuringlians, nor followed the counsel of the Zurichers.”
The same may be said of Dr. Norman Macleod’s parody of the first chapter of Genesis:—
The same can be said about Dr. Norman Macleod’s parody of the first chapter of Genesis:—
“Perhaps the men of science would do well, in accordance with the latest scientific results, and especially the ‘meteoric theory’ to re-write the first chapter of Genesis in this way:—
“Maybe scientists should consider rewriting the first chapter of Genesis based on the latest scientific findings, especially the ‘meteoric theory,’ like this:—
- 1. The earth was without form and void.
- 2. A meteor fell upon the earth.
- 3. The result was fish, flesh, and fowl.
- 4. From these proceeded the British Association.
- 5. And the British Association pronounced it tolerably good.”
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William Hone’s Three Trials.
William Hone’s Three Trials.
In the year 1817 William Hone, a printer and publisher in the Old Bailey, London, was prosecuted by the Government for having printed and published three parodies, the first was John Wilkes’s Catechism of a Ministerial Member, the second was The Political Litany, and the third was The Sinecurist’s Creed.
In 1817, William Hone, a printer and publisher in the Old Bailey, London, was prosecuted by the government for printing and publishing three parodies. The first was John Wilkes’s Catechism of a Ministerial Member, the second was The Political Litany, and the third was The Sinecurist’s Creed.
The first trial was held in the Guildhall, on December 17, 1817, before Mr. Justice Abbott and a Special Jury; the second, also in the Guildhall, on December 19, 1817, before Lord Ellenborough and a Special Jury, and the third in the same place and before the same judge, on December 20, 1817.
The first trial took place at the Guildhall on December 17, 1817, in front of Mr. Justice Abbott and a Special Jury; the second was also at the Guildhall on December 19, 1817, before Lord Ellenborough and a Special Jury, and the third happened in the same location and before the same judge on December 20, 1817.
In each case all the influence of Court and Government was brought to bear against Mr. Hone, the Attorney-General prosecuted, and the judges were distinctly adverse to the defendant. Notwithstanding all this, and that Mr. Hone, who defended himself without legal assistance, was in feeble health, in each case the Juries returned a verdict of Not Guilty, and their decisions were received with delight and applause by the London populace.
In every instance, all the power of the Court and Government was directed against Mr. Hone, the Attorney-General brought the charges, and the judges were clearly biased against the defendant. Despite all of this, and the fact that Mr. Hone, who represented himself without a lawyer, was in poor health, the Juries returned a verdict of Not Guilty in each case, and their decisions were met with joy and applause from the people of London.
Mr. Hone, in his defence, contended that the parodies were harmless in themselves, were not intended to ridicule religion or the scriptures, and were written for purely political motives. He further contended, and indeed, proved by extracts, that parodies of a far more objectionable character than his were daily published without let or hindrance, provided that they were in favour of the Government, or written to abuse its opponents.
Mr. Hone, in his defense, argued that the parodies were harmless on their own, weren’t meant to mock religion or the scriptures, and were written purely for political reasons. He also argued, and actually showed with examples, that parodies that were much more objectionable than his were being published every day without any obstacles, as long as they supported the Government or were meant to attack its opponents.
Directly after the trials Hone published a full account of them, with his defences, and a quantity of entertaining reading on the subject of religious and political parodies. This book had an enormous sale, it has also been recently reprinted by the Freethought Publishing Company, so that copies of it can readily be obtained.
Directly after the trials, Hone published a complete account of them, along with his defenses and a lot of engaging material on religious and political parodies. This book sold incredibly well and has recently been reprinted by the Freethought Publishing Company, so copies are easily available.
It will therefore suffice to give only the parodies themselves here, without the evidence and speeches of the trials.
It will therefore be enough to just provide the parodies themselves here, without the evidence and statements from the trials.
John Wilkes’s Catechism.
John Wilkes's Q&A.
The late John Wilkes’s Catechism of a Ministerial Member; taken from an Original Manuscript in Mr. Wilkes’s Handwriting, never before printed,[339] and adapted to the Present Occasion. With permission.
The late John Wilkes’s Catechism of a Ministerial Member; taken from an original manuscript in Mr. Wilkes’s handwriting, never before printed,[339] and updated for the current situation. With permission.
London: Printed for one of the Candidates for the Office of Printer to the King’s Most Excellent Majesty, and Sold by William Hone, 55, Fleet Street, and 67, Old Bailey. Three Doors from Ludgate Hill. 1817. Price Two-pence.
London: Printed for one of the Candidates for the Position of Printer to the King’s Most Excellent Majesty, and Sold by William Hone, 55, Fleet Street, and 67, Old Bailey. Three Doors from Ludgate Hill. 1817. Price Two pence.
A Catechism, that is to say, An Instruction, to be learned of every person before he be brought to be confirmed a Placeman or Pensioner by the Minister.
A Catechism, which means an Instruction, that everyone should learn before being confirmed as a Placeman or Pensioner by the Minister.
Question. What is your name?
What’s your name?
Answer. Lick Spittle.
Answer. Kiss-up.
Q. Who gave you this name?
Q. Who gave you this name?
A. My Sureties to the Ministry, in my Political Change, wherein I was made a Member of the Majority, the Child of Corruption, and a Locust to devour the good Things of this Kingdom.
A. My Guarantees to the Ministry, in my Political Shift, where I became a Member of the Majority, the Product of Corruption, and a Pest to consume the good Things of this Kingdom.
Q. What did your Sureties then for you?
Q. What did your guarantors do for you then?
A. They did promise and vow three things in my Name. First, that I should renounce the Reformists and all their Works, the pomps and vanity of Popular Favour, and all the sinful lusts of Independence. Secondly, that I should believe all the Articles of the Court Faith. And thirdly, that I should keep the Minister’s sole Will and Commandments, and walk in the same, all the days of my life.
A. They promised and vowed three things in my name. First, that I would renounce the Reformists and all their works, the showiness and vanity of public approval, and all the sinful desires of independence. Secondly, that I would believe all the Articles of the Court Faith. And thirdly, that I would follow the Minister’s sole Will and Commandments and live by them all my life.
Q. Dost thou not think that thou art bound to believe and to do as they have promised for thee?
Q. Don't you think that you're obligated to believe and do what they have promised you?
A. Yes, verily, and for my own sake, so I will; and I heartily thank our heaven-born Ministry, that they have called me to this state of elevation, through my own flattery, cringing, and bribery; and I shall pray to their successors to give me their assistance, that I may continue the same unto my life’s end.
A. Yes, truly, and for my own benefit, so I will; and I sincerely thank our heavenly Ministry for elevating me to this position, thanks to my own flattery, submission, and bribery; and I will pray to their successors for their support, so I can keep this up for the rest of my life.
Q. Rehearse the Articles of thy Belief.
Q. Review the Articles of your Belief.
A. I believe in George, the Regent Almighty, Maker of New Streets, and Knights of the Bath,
A. I believe in George, the Almighty Regent, Creator of New Streets, and Knights of the Bath,
And in the present Ministry, his only choice, who were conceived of Toryism, brought forth of William Pitt, suffered loss of Place under Charles James Fox, were execrated, dead, and buried. In a few months they rose again from their minority; they re-ascended to the Treasury 290 benches, and sit at the right hand of a little man with a large wig; from whence they laugh at the Petitions of the People who may pray for Reform, and that the sweat of their brow may procure them Bread.
And in the current administration, his only choice, who were born out of Tory beliefs, came from Bill Pitt, suffered a loss of position under Charles James Fox, were condemned, dead, and buried. In just a few months, they came back from their minority; they returned to the Treasury 290 benches and sit next to a short man with a big wig; from there, they laugh at the petitions from the people who are asking for reform and for the hard work they put in to earn a living.
I believe that King James the Second was a legitimate Sovereign, and that King William the Third was not; that the Pretender was of the right line; and that George the Third’s grandfather was not; that the dynasty of Bourbon is immortal! and that the glass in the eye of Lord James Murray was not Betty Martin. I believe in the immaculate purity of the Committee of Finance, in the independence of the Committee of Secresy, and that the Pitt System is everlasting, Amen.
I believe that King James II was a rightful ruler, and that King William III was not; that the Pretender was from the rightful line; and that George III's grandfather was not; that the Bourbon dynasty is eternal! and that the glass in Lord James Murray's eye was not Betty Martin. I believe in the absolute integrity of the Finance Committee, in the independence of the Secret Committee, and that the Pitt System will last forever, Amen.
Q. What dost thou chiefly learn in these Articles of thy Belief?
Q. What do you mainly learn from these Articles of your Belief?
A. First, I learn to forswear all conscience, which was never meant to trouble me, nor the rest of the tribe of Courtiers. Secondly, to swear black is white, or white black, according to the good pleasure of the Ministers. Thirdly, to put on the helmet of Impudence, the only armour against the shafts of Patriotism.
A. First, I learn to ignore all conscience, which was never meant to bother me or the rest of the Court’s crowd. Second, to say that black is white or white is black, depending on what the Ministers want. Third, to wear the armor of Boldness, the only protection against the arrows of Patriotism.
Q. You said that your Sureties did promise for you, that you should keep the Minister’s Commandments: tell me how many there be?
Q. You mentioned that your Sureties promised on your behalf that you would follow the Minister’s Commandments: how many are there?
A. Ten.
Ten.
Q. Which be they?
Which ones are they?
A. The same to which the Minister for the time being always obliges all his creatures to swear, I, the Minister, am the Lord thy liege, who brought thee out of Want and Beggary, into the House of Commons.
A. The same oath that the current Minister always requires all his followers to take, I, the Minister, am your lord and protector, who brought you out of poverty and despair, into the House of Commons.
I. Thou shalt have no other Patron but me.
I. You shall have no other Patron but me.
II. Thou shalt not support any measure but mine, nor shalt thou frame clauses of any bill in its progress to the House above, or in the Committee beneath, or when the mace is under the table, except it be mine. Thou shalt not bow to Lord Cochrane, nor shake hands with him, nor any other of my real opponents; for I thy Lord am a jealous Minister, and forbid familiarity of the Majority, with the Friends of the People, unto the third and fourth cousins of them that divide against me; and give places, and thousands and tens of thousands, to them that divide with me, and keep my Commandments.
II. You shall not support any initiative except mine, nor shall you draft any clauses of a bill while it's being considered in the House above, or in the Committee below, or when the mace is under the table, unless it's mine. You shall not bow to Lord Cochrane, nor shake hands with him or any of my true adversaries; for I, your Lord, am a jealous Minister and forbid familiarity of the Majority with the Friends of the People, including the third and fourth cousins of those who oppose me; and I reward those who align with me and obey my Commandments with positions and wealth.
III. Thou shalt not take the Pension of thy Lord the Minister in vain; for I the Minister will force him to accept the Chilterns that taketh my Pension in vain.
III. You shall not take your Lord the Minister's Pension lightly; for I, the Minister, will compel him to accept the Chilterns that take my Pension for granted.
IV. Remember that thou attend the Minister’s Levee day; on other days thou shalt speak for him in the House, and fetch and carry, and do all that he commandeth thee to do; but the Levee day is for the glorification of the Minister thy Lord: In it thou shalt do no work in the House, but shalt wait upon him, thou, and thy daughter, and thy wife, and the Members that are within his influence; for on other days the Minister is inaccessible, but delighteth in the Levee day; wherefore the Minister appointed the Levee day, and chatteth thereon familiarly, and is amused with it.
IV. Remember to attend the Minister's Levee day; on other days you will speak for him in the House, run errands, and do everything he commands you to do; but the Levee day is for honoring the Minister, your Lord. On this day, you must not work in the House but should wait on him, along with your daughter, your wife, and the Members who are in his circle; because on other days the Minister is unavailable, but he enjoys the Levee day. That’s why the Minister set up the Levee day, where he chats casually and has a good time.
V. Honour the Regent and the helmets of the Life Guards, that thy stay may be long in the Place, which the Lord thy Minister giveth thee.
V. Honor the Regent and the helmets of the Life Guards, so that your time may be long in the place that the Lord your Minister gives you.
VI. Thou shalt not call starving to death murder.
VI. You should not call starving to death murder.
VII. Thou shalt not call Royal gallivanting adultery.
VII. You shall not call royal partying adultery.
VIII. Thou shalt not say, that to rob the Public is to steal.
VIII. You shall not say that robbing the public is the same as stealing.
IX. Thou shalt bear false witness against the people.
IX. You shall not give false testimony against others.
X. Thou shalt not covet the People’s applause, thou shalt not covet the People’s praise, nor their good name, nor their esteem, nor their reverence, nor any reward that is theirs.
X. You shall not desire the People’s applause, you shall not desire the People’s praise, nor their good name, nor their respect, nor their admiration, nor any reward that belongs to them.
Q. What dost thou chiefly learn by these Commandments?
Q. What do you mainly learn from these Commandments?
A. I learn two things—my duty towards the Minister, and my duty towards myself.
A. I learn two things—my responsibility to the Minister, and my responsibility to myself.
Q. What is thy duty towards the Minister?
Q. What is your duty towards the Minister?
A. My duty towards the Minister is, to trust him as much as I can; to fear him; to honour him with all my words, with all my bows, with all my scrapes, and all my cringes; to flatter him; to give him thanks; to give up my whole soul to him; to idolize his name, and obey his word; and serve him blindly all the days of his political life.
A. My responsibility to the Minister is to trust him as much as I can; to be wary of him; to honor him with all my words, all my gestures, all my bows, and all my submissive behavior; to flatter him; to thank him; to dedicate my whole being to him; to idolize his name, and to follow his commands; and to serve him unconditionally throughout his political career.
Q. What is thy duty towards thyself?
Q. What is your duty to yourself?
A. My duty towards myself is to love nobody but myself, and to do unto most men what I would not that they should do unto me; to sacrifice unto my own interest even my father and mother; to pay little reverence to the King, but to compensate that omission by my servility to all that are put in authority under him; to lick the dust under the feet of my superiors, and to shake a rod of iron over the backs of my inferiors; to spare the People by neither word nor deed; to observe neither truth nor justice in my dealings with them; to bear them malice and hatred in my heart; and where their wives and properties are concerned, to keep my body neither in temperance, soberness, nor chastity, but to give my hands to picking and stealing, and my tongue to evil speaking and lying, and slander of their efforts to defend their liberties and recover their rights; never failing to envy their privileges, and to learn to get the Pensions of myself and my colleagues out of the People’s labour, and to do my duty in that department of public plunder unto which it shall please the Minister to call me.
A. My duty to myself is to love nobody but myself, and to treat most people in ways I wouldn’t want them to treat me; to prioritize my own interests even over my father and mother; to show little respect to the King, but to make up for that by being servile to everyone in authority under him; to grovel before my superiors, and to wield power over my subordinates; to spare the People with neither words nor actions; to disregard truth and justice in my dealings with them; to harbor malice and hatred in my heart; and when it comes to their wives and property, to indulge in neither moderation, sobriety, nor chastity, but to resort to stealing and lying, and slandering their attempts to defend their freedoms and regain their rights; always envious of their privileges, and figuring out how to secure pensions for myself and my colleagues from the labor of the People, and to fulfill my role in the public looting that the Minister assigns to me.
Q. My good Courtier, know this, that thou art not able of thyself to preserve the Minister’s favour, nor to walk in his Commandments, nor to serve him, without his special protection; which thou must at all times learn to obtain by diligent application. Let me hear, therefore, if thou canst rehearse the Minister’s Memorial.
Q. My good Courtier, know this: you can’t maintain the Minister’s favor, follow his commands, or serve him without his specific protection; which you must always strive to secure through hard work. So, tell me, can you recite the Minister’s Memorial?
Answer.
Answer.
Our Lord who art in the Treasury, whatsoever be thy name, thy power be prolonged, thy will be done throughout the empire, as it is in each session. Give us our usual sops, and forgive us our occasional absences on divisions; as we promise not to forgive them that divide against thee. Turn us not out of our places; but keep us in the House of Commons, the land of Pensions and Plenty; and deliver us from the People. Amen.
Our Lord in the Treasury, whatever your name is, may your power last, and may your will be done across the empire, just like in every session. Provide us with our usual perks, and forgive us for our occasional missed votes; as we promise not to forgive those who go against you. Do not cast us out of our positions; but keep us in the House of Commons, the land of Benefits and Abundance; and save us from the People. Amen.
Q. What desirest thou of the Minister in this Memorial?
Q. What do you want from the Minister in this Memorial?
A. I desire the Minister, our Patron, who is the disposer of the Nation’s overstrained Taxation, to give his protection unto me and to all Pensioners and Placemen, that we may vote for him, serve him, and obey him, as far as we find it convenient; and I beseech the Minister that he will give us all things that be needful, both for our reputation and appearance in the House and out of it; that he will be favourable to us, and forgive us our negligence; that it will please him to save and defend us, in all dangers of life and limb, from the People, our natural enemies; and that he will help us in fleecing and grinding them; and this I trust he will do out of care for himself, and our support of him through our corruption and influence; and therefore I say Amen. So be it.
A. I ask the Minister, our Patron, who controls the nation's heavy taxation, to protect me and all Pensioners and Placemen, so that we can vote for him, serve him, and obey him as it suits us; and I urge the Minister to provide us with everything we need for our reputation and appearance both in and out of the House; that he will be kind to us and overlook our carelessness; that he will save and defend us from any dangers to our lives and well-being posed by the People, who are our natural enemies; and that he will assist us in exploiting and taking advantage of them; and I trust he will do this out of concern for himself and because we support him through our corruption and influence; and so I say Amen. So be it.
A. Two only, as generally necessary to elevation; (that is to say) Passive Obedience and Bribery.
A. Two only, as generally necessary for advancement; (that is to say) Passive Obedience and Bribery.
Q. What meanest thou by this word Test?
Q. What do you mean by this word Test?
A. I mean an outward visible sign of an inward intellectual meanness, ordained by the Minister himself as a pledge to assure him thereof.
A. I mean a clear external symbol of an internal intellectual shortcoming, established by the Minister himself as a guarantee to assure him of it.
Q. How many parts are there in this Test?
Q. How many sections are there in this Test?
A. Two; the outward visible sign, and the intellectual meanness.
A. Two: the outward visible sign and the intellectual stinginess.
Q. What is the outward visible sign or form of Passive Obedience?
Q. What is the visible sign or form of Passive Obedience?
A. Dangling at the Minister’s heels, whereby the person is degraded beneath the baseness of a slave, in the character of a Pensioner, Placeman, Expectant Parasite, Toadeater, or Lord of the Bedchamber.
A. Following the Minister around, where the person is lowered to the level of a slave, in the role of a Pensioner, Placeman, Expectant Parasite, Toadeater, or Lord of the Bedchamber.
Q. What is the inward intellectual meanness?
Q. What is inner intellectual pettiness?
A. A death unto Freedom, a subjection unto perpetual Thraldom; for being by nature born free, and the children of Independence, we are hereby made children of Slavery.
A. A death to Freedom, a submission to endless Servitude; for being born free by nature, and the children of Independence, we are made into children of Slavery.
Q. What is required of persons submitting to the Test of Passive Obedience?
Q. What do people need to do when submitting to the Test of Passive Obedience?
A. Apostacy, whereby they forsake Liberty; and faith, whereby they stedfastly believe the promises of the Minister, made to them upon submitting to that Test.
A. Apostasy, where they abandon Liberty; and faith, where they firmly believe the promises made by the Minister to them when they agree to that Test.
Q. Why was the Test of Bribery ordained?
Q. Why was the Bribery Test established?
A. For the continual support of the Minister’s influence, and the feeding of us, his needy creatures and sycophants.
A. For the ongoing support of the Minister’s influence, and the sustenance of us, his needy followers and supporters.
Q. What is the outward part or sign in the Test of Bribery?
Q. What is the outward part or sign in the Test of Bribery?
A. Bank notes, which the Minister hath commanded to be offered by his dependants.
A. Bank notes, which the Minister has ordered to be presented by his associates.
Q. Why then are beggars submitted to this Test, when by reason of their poverty they are not able to go through the necessary forms?
Q. Why are beggars subjected to this test when their poverty prevents them from fulfilling the necessary requirements?
A. Because they promise them by their Sureties; which promise, when they come to lucrative offices, they themselves are bound to perform.
A. Because their Sureties promise them; and when they get profitable positions, they are required to follow through on that promise themselves.
Q. What is the inward part, or thing signified?
Q. What is the inner part, or meaning?
A. The industry and wealth of the People, which are verily and indeed taken and had by Pensioners and Sinecurists, in their Corruption.
A. The industry and wealth of the People, which are truly and genuinely taken and held by Pensioners and Sinecurists, in their Corruption.
Q. What are the benefits whereof you are partakers thereby?
Q. What are the benefits you receive from it?
A. The weakening and impoverishing the People, through the loss of their Liberty and Property, while our wealth becomes enormous, and our pride intolerable.
A. We are weakening and impoverishing the people by taking away their freedom and property, while our wealth grows immensely and our pride becomes unbearable.
Q. What is required of them who submit to the Test of Bribery and Corruption?
Q. What is required of those who submit to the Test of Bribery and Corruption?
A. To examine themselves, whether they repent them truly of any signs of former honour and patriotism, stedfastly purposing henceforward to be faithful towards the Minister; to draw on and off like his glove, to crouch to him like a spaniel; to purvey for him like a jackall; to be as supple to him as Alderman Sir William Turtle; to have the most lively faith in the Funds, especially in the Sinking Fund; to believe the words of Lord Castlereagh alone; to have remembrance of nothing but what is in the Courier; to hate Matthew Wood, the present Lord Mayor, and his second Mayoralty; with all our heart, with all our mind, with all our soul, and with all our strength; to admire Sir John Silvester, the Recorder, and Mr. John Langley; and to be in charity with those only who have something to give.
A. To reflect on whether they genuinely regret any signs of previous honor and patriotism, firmly intending to be loyal to the Minister from now on; to put on and take off like his glove, to grovel before him like a dog; to provide for him like a sycophant; to be as flexible with him as Alderman Sir William Turtle; to have the utmost faith in the Funds, especially in the Sinking Fund; to believe only the words of Lord Castlereagh; to remember nothing except what’s in the Courier; to dislike Matthew Wood, the current Lord Mayor, and his second term; with all our heart, with all our mind, with all our soul, and with all our strength; to admire Sir John Silvester, the Recorder, and Mr. John Langley; and to be on good terms only with those who have something to offer.
[Here endeth the Catechism.]
[This concludes the Catechism.]
The Political Litany.
The Political Manifesto.
¶ Here followeth the Litany, or General Supplication, to be said or sung at all times when thereunto especially moved.
¶ Here is the Litany, or General Supplication, to be said or sung at any time when especially prompted to do so.
O Prince, ruler of the people, have mercy upon us thy miserable subjects.
O Prince, leader of the people, please have mercy on us, your unfortunate subjects.
O Prince, ruler, &c.
O Prince, ruler, etc.
O House of Lords, hereditary legislators, have mercy upon us, pension-paying subjects.
O House of Lords, hereditary lawmakers, have mercy on us, tax-paying citizens.
O House of Lords, &c.
Oh House of Lords, etc.
O House of Commons, proceeding from corrupt borough-mongers, have mercy upon us, your should-be constituents.
O House of Commons, coming from corrupt borough manipulators, have mercy on us, your rightful constituents.
O House of Commons, &c.
O House of Commons, etc.
O gracious, noble, right honourable, and learned rulers of our land, three estates in one state, have mercy upon us, a poverty-stricken people.
O gracious, noble, honorable, and knowledgeable leaders of our land, three estates in one state, have mercy on us, a people suffering from poverty.
O gracious, noble, &c.
O gracious, noble, etc.
Remember not, most gracious, most noble, right honourable, and honourable gentlemen, our past riches, nor the riches of our forefathers; neither continue to tax us according to our long-lost ability—spare us, good rulers; spare the people who have supported ye with their labour, and spilt their most precious blood in your quarrels; O consume us not utterly,
Remember not, most gracious, most noble, right honorable, and honorable gentlemen, our past wealth, nor the wealth of our ancestors; neither continue to tax us based on our long-lost ability—show us mercy, good rulers; spare the people who have supported you with their labor, and shed their most precious blood in your conflicts; O do not completely destroy us,
Spare us, good Prince.
Save us, good Prince.
From an unnational debt; from unmerited pensions and sinecure places; from an extravagant civil list; and from utter starvation,
From a national debt that shouldn’t exist; from unjustified pensions and cushy jobs; from an overly lavish civil list; and from total starvation,
Good Prince, deliver us.
Good Prince, save us.
From the blind imbecility of ministers; from the pride and vain-glory of warlike establishments in time of peace,
From the cluelessness of ministers; from the arrogance and self-importance of military forces in times of peace,
Good Prince, deliver us.
Good Prince, save us.
From all the deadly sins attendant on a corrupt method of election; from all the deceits of the pensioned hirelings of the press,
From all the deadly sins that come with a corrupt election process; from all the lies of the paid agents of the media,
Good Prince, deliver us.
Good Prince, save us.
From taxes levied by distress; from jails crowded with debtors; from poor-houses overflowing with paupers,
From taxes imposed by hardship; from jails packed with debtors; from poorhouses overflowing with needy people,
Good Prince, deliver us.
Good Prince, save us.
From a Parliament chosen only by one-tenth of the taxpayers; from taxes raised to pay wholesale human butchers their subsidies; from the false doctrines, heresy, and schism, which have obscured our once-glorious constitution; from conspiracies against the liberty of the people; and from obstacles thrown in the way of the exertion of our natural and constitutional rights,
From a Parliament elected by just one-tenth of the taxpayers; from taxes collected to subsidize large-scale human slaughter; from the misleading beliefs, heresy, and division that have clouded our once-great constitution; from plots against the freedom of the people; and from barriers that hinder the exercise of our natural and constitutional rights,
Good Prince, deliver us.
Good Prince, save us.
By your feelings as men; by your interests as members of civil society; by your duty as Christians,
By your feelings as individuals; by your interests as part of society; by your duty as Christians,
O Rulers, deliver us.
Oh Leaders, save us.
By the deprivation of millions—by the sighs of the widow—by the tears of the orphan—by the groans of the aged in distress—by the wants of all classes in the community, except your own and your dependents,
By the suffering of millions—by the sighs of the widow—by the tears of the orphan—by the groans of the elderly in pain—by the needs of everyone in the community, except for you and your dependents,
O Rulers, deliver us.
O Rulers, save us.
In this time of tribulation—in this time of want of labour to thousands, and of unrequited labour to tens of thousands—in this time of sudden death from want of food,
In this time of struggle—in this time of lack of work for thousands, and of unrecognized effort for tens of thousands—in this time of sudden death from hunger,
O Rulers, deliver us.
O Rulers, save us.
We people do beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers; and that it may please ye to rule and govern us constitutionally in the right way;
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers; and we hope you will govern us properly and according to the constitution;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Leaders.
That it may please ye to keep yourselves in all sobriety, temperance, and honesty of life—that ye spend not extravagantly the money raised from the production of our labours, nor take for yourselves that which ye need not;
That it may please you to maintain your sobriety, self-control, and integrity in life—that you do not spend excessively the money earned from our work, nor take what you do not need;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Leaders.
292 That it may please ye to keep your hearts in fear of oppression, and in love of justice; and that ye may evermore have affiance in our affection, rather than in the bayonets of an hired soldiery;
292 May you keep your hearts aware of oppression and embrace justice; and may you always trust in our love rather than in the weapons of hired soldiers;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to be our defenders and keepers, giving us the victory over all our enemies, and redressing the grievances under which we labour;
That you may be our defenders and protectors, granting us victory over all our enemies and addressing the issues we face;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Leaders.
That it may please ye to lessen the cares of the world unto all Bishops and Church Dignitaries; giving their superabundance to the poor clergy, and no longer taxing us for their support;
That you may be pleased to ease the burdens of the world for all Bishops and Church leaders; giving their excess to the poor clergy, and no longer making us pay for their support;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
Please listen to us, O Leaders.
That it may please ye to place within the bounds of economy the expenditure of all the Royal Family;
That you may please to keep the spending of the entire Royal Family within the limits of the budget;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Leaders.
That it may please ye to deprive the Lords of the Council, and all the nobility, of all money paid out of the taxes which they have not earned;
That it may please you to take away from the Lords of the Council and all the nobility any money paid from the taxes that they haven't earned;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to direct all Magistrates to give up their advanced salaries, which the times no longer render necessary, and to content themselves with their former stipends;
That it would be great if you could instruct all the Magistrates to give up their higher salaries, which are no longer needed in the current times, and to be satisfied with their previous pay;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to bless all the people with equal representation, and to keep them safe from borough-mongering factions;
That it may please you to ensure all people have equal representation and to protect them from corrupt political factions;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye so to govern us, that unity, peace, and concord, may prevail throughout the nation, and the voice of tumult and dissatisfaction be no more heard in our streets;
That it may please you to lead us in a way that brings unity, peace, and harmony throughout the nation, and that the sound of chaos and discontent is no longer heard in our streets;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to give unto all people all their rights as citizens, whatever may be the mode in which their consciences may impel them to worship their Creator, and whatever the creed to which their judgments assent;
That it may please you to grant all people their rights as citizens, regardless of how their consciences lead them to worship their Creator, and whatever beliefs they may hold;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to bring into the way of truth those apostates who have erred therefrom, and have deceived us;
That you may be willing to lead those who have strayed from the truth back to it and who have misled us;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to strengthen all such as do stand up for the legal and constitutional rights of the people; to comfort and help the weak-hearted, who want courage in our behalf; to raise up such as do fall; and, finally, to beat down corruption under our feet;
That it may please you to support all those who stand up for the legal and constitutional rights of the people; to comfort and assist the weak-hearted, who lack courage on our behalf; to lift up those who fall; and, finally, to crush corruption beneath us;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye not to tax “until the brow of labour sweats in vain;” but to succour and comfort all that are in necessity and tribulation;
That it may please you not to impose burdens “until the brow of labor sweats in vain;” but to help and comfort all who are in need and distress;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to shew pity to all who are prisoners and captives for the people’s sake, or through the oppressive expenses of the laws;
That it may please you to show compassion to all who are prisoners and captives for the people's sake, or due to the burdensome costs of the laws;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to appropriate the 200,000l. annually paid to Members of Parliament, contrary to an ancient law, as a provision for fatherless children and widows, and all that are desolate and oppressed;
That it may please you to allocate the £200,000 paid annually to Members of Parliament, in violation of an ancient law, as support for fatherless children and widows, and for all who are vulnerable and marginalized;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to have mercy upon us all;
That you may be willing to have mercy on all of us;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to turn the hearts of our enemies, persecutors, and slanderers, by withdrawing their pensions and emoluments, that they may no longer call us a “rabble,” the “swinish multitude,” or “ragamuffins,” but may once more style us “the real strength of the nation,”—“the body, without which a head is useless;”
That it may please you to change the hearts of our enemies, persecutors, and slanderers, by cutting off their pensions and benefits, so they can no longer refer to us as a “rabble,” the “swinish multitude,” or “ragamuffins,” but may once again call us “the real strength of the nation,”—“the body, without which a head is useless;”
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to give and preserve to our use the kindly fruits of the earth, untaxed by men in black, whom those who wish for their instruction ought alone to support;
That you might be willing to provide and keep for our use the natural produce of the earth, free from taxes imposed by clergymen, whom those seeking their guidance should be the only ones to support;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Leaders.
That it may please ye to abolish and destroy all sinecure places, and worthless pensions; to utterly purge and root out all wrong-doers; to thoroughly correct the present misrepresentation of the people, by an effectual Reform in Parliament; and otherwise to do, or cause to be done, such further and other acts and deeds, as shall or may conduce to the true interest and benefit of the whole commonwealth;
That you may agree to eliminate all unnecessary positions and useless pensions; to completely remove all wrongdoers; to accurately address the current misrepresentation of the people through effective reform in Parliament; and to take or ensure the taking of any additional actions that will truly benefit the whole community;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Leaders.
That it may please ye to lead and strengthen GEORGE Prince of Wales, our present REGENT, in the true fear and knowledge of the principles whereon the people of this commonwealth placed their crown on the head of his ancestors, and continue it towards him; and that it may please ye, as much as in ye lie, to keep and defend him from battle and murder, and sudden death, and from fornication, and all other deadly sin;
That it may please you to guide and support GEORGE, Prince of Wales, our current REGENT, in the genuine understanding and respect for the values on which the people of this commonwealth placed the crown on his ancestors' heads, and continue that support for him; and that it may please you, as much as you are able, to protect him from warfare, murder, sudden death, fornication, and all other serious sins;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers.
That it may please ye to put on short allowance all Bishops, Priests, and Deacons, that their fleshly appetites being reduced, their spiritual-mindedness may be thereby increased and so that both by their preaching and living they may set it forth, and show it accordingly;
That it may please you to put all Bishops, Priests, and Deacons on a short allowance, so that their physical desires are reduced, allowing their spiritual focus to increase, and so that through their preaching and actions they can demonstrate and reflect it accordingly;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Leaders.
That it may please ye to take to yourselves true repentance, inasmuch as ye have erred from the way of your forefathers; and amend your method of governing according to our free constitution;
That it may please you to adopt sincere repentance, since you have strayed from the path of your ancestors; and improve your way of governing according to our free constitution;
We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.
We ask you to listen to us, O Rulers.
Son of George, we beseech thee to hear us.
Son of George, we ask you to listen to us.
Son of George, we beseech thee, &c.
Son of George, we ask you, etc.
O House of Lords, that takest away so many tens of thousands of pounds in pensions,
O House of Lords, that takes away so many tens of thousands of pounds in pensions,
Have mercy upon us.
Have mercy on us.
O House of Commons, that votest away the money of the whole nation, instead of that of those only who elect you;
O House of Commons, that votes away the money of the whole nation, instead of just that of those who elect you;
Have mercy upon us.
Have mercy on us.
O Prince, hear us.
O Prince, listen to us.
O Prince, hear us.
Oh Prince, listen to us.
George, have mercy upon us.
George, have mercy on us.
George, have mercy upon us.
George, please help us.
O House of Lords, have mercy upon us.
O House of Lords, please have mercy on us.
O House of Lords, have mercy upon us.
O House of Lords, have mercy on us.
O House of Commons, have mercy upon us.
O House of Commons, please have mercy on us.
O House of Commons, have mercy upon us.
Oh House of Commons, have mercy on us.
[Here endeth the Litany.]
[Here ends the Litany.]
¶ THE COLLECT TO BE USED BY HIS MAJESTY’S MINISTERS
¶ THE COLLECT TO BE USED BY HIS MAJESTY’S MINISTERS
Beginneth thus:
Starts like this:
Lighten our darkness, we beseech thee, &c.
Lighten our darkness, we ask you, &c.
¶ By whom the following may be used in ordinary.
¶ By whom the following can be used in everyday situations.
The Grace of our Lord GEORGE the Prince Regent, and the Love of Louis the XVIII., and the fellowship of the Pope, be with us all evermore. Amen.
The grace of our Lord George the Prince Regent, and the love of Louis the XVIII, and the fellowship of the Pope, be with us all forever. Amen.
——:o:——
——:o:——
¶ Upon all suitable occasions may be sung or said the following CONFESSION—upstanding and uncovered.
¶ On all appropriate occasions, the following CONFESSION may be recited or sung—standing and uncovered.
Quicunque vult.
Whoever wishes.
Whosoever will be a Sinecurist: before all things it is necessary that he hold a place of profit.
Whoever wants to be a Sinecurist must first and foremost hold a profitable position.
Which place except every Sinecurist do receive the salary for, and do no service: without doubt it is no Sinecure.
Which place, other than that of every Sinecurist, gets paid without doing any work: it definitely isn't a Sinecure.
And a Sinecurist’s duty is this: that he divide with the Ministry and be with the Ministry in a Majority.
And a Sinecurist’s job is this: to share with the Ministry and to be part of the Ministry's majority.
Neither confounding the Persons, nor dividing with the Opposition.
Neither confusing the individuals, nor splitting with the opposition.
Such as Old Bags is, such is Derry Down Triangle: and such is the Doctor.
Such as Old Bags is, so is Derry Down Triangle: and so is the Doctor.
Old Bags a Mountebank, Derry Down Triangle a Mountebank: the Doctor a Mountebank.
Old Bags a fraud, Derry Down Triangle a trickster: the Doctor a con artist.
Old Bags incomprehensible, Derry Down Triangle incomprehensible: the Doctor incomprehensible.
Old Bags make no sense, Derry Down Triangle makes no sense: the Doctor makes no sense.
Old Bags a Humbug, Derry Down Triangle a Humbug: and the Doctor a Humbug.
Old Bags is a fraud, Derry Down Triangle is a fraud: and the Doctor is a fraud.
And yet they are not three Humbugs: but one Humbug.
And yet they are not three Humbugs, but one Humbug.
As also they are not three incomprehensibles, nor three Mountebanks: but one Mountebank, and one incomprehensible.
As they are not three incomprehensibles, nor three con artists: but one con artist, and one incomprehensible.
So likewise Old Bags is All-twattle,[344] Derry Down Triangle All-twattle: and the Doctor All-twattle.
So similarly Old Bags is all talk,[344] Derry Down Triangle all talk: and the Doctor is all talk.
And yet they are not three All-twattles: but one All-twattle.
And yet they are not three All-twattles, but one All-twattle.
So Old Bags is a Quack, Derry Down Triangle is a Quack: and the Doctor is a Quack.
So Old Bags is a fraud, Derry Down Triangle is a fraud: and the Doctor is a fraud.
And yet they are not three Quacks: but one Quack.
And yet they are not three quacks; they are one quack.
So likewise Old Bags is a Fool, Derry Down Triangle is a Fool: and the Doctor is a Fool.
So, Old Bags is a fool, Derry Down Triangle is a fool, and the Doctor is a fool.
And yet not three Fools: but one Fool.
And yet not three fools: just one fool.
For like as we are compelled by real verity to acknowledge every Minister by himself to be Quack and Fool;
For just as we are forced by the truth to recognize every Minister individually as a fraud and an idiot;
So are we forbidden by state etiquette to say there be three Quacks, or three Fools.
So are we not allowed by state etiquette to say there are three Quacks or three Fools?
Derry Down Triangle is made of none: neither born nor begotten.
Derry Down Triangle has no origin: it is neither born nor created.
Old Bags is of himself alone; a Lawyer bred, a Lord created, by the Father begotten.
Old Bags is all by himself; a lawyer by profession, a lord by title, and born from his father.
The Doctor is of Old Bags, and of Derry Down Triangle: neither made, nor created, nor begotten, but proceeding.
The Doctor is from Old Bags and Derry Down Triangle: neither made, nor created, nor born, but coming forth.
So there is one Old Bags, not three Old Bags: one Derry Down Triangle, not three Triangles: one Doctor, not three Doctors.
So there is one Old Bags, not three Old Bags: one Derry Down Triangle, not three Triangles: one Doctor, not three Doctors.
And in this ministry none is afore or after the other: none is greater or less than another.
And in this ministry, no one is before or after anyone else: no one is greater or lesser than another.
But the whole three Ministers are co-Charlatans together, and co-Tricksters.
But all three Ministers are in cahoots, acting like con artists and tricksters together.
So that, in all things, as is aforesaid: the Majority with the Ministry, and the Ministry in the Majority, is to be worshipped.
So that, in all things, as mentioned before: the Majority with the Ministry, and the Ministry in the Majority, should be honored.
He therefore that will be a Sinecurist, must thus think of the Ministry.
He who wants to be a Sinecurist must think about the Ministry in this way.
Furthermore it is necessary to his Sinecure’s preservation: that he also believe rightly the mystification of Derry Down Triangle.
Furthermore, it is essential for the preservation of his Sinecure that he also correctly believes in the mystification of Derry Down Triangle.
For the Sinecurist’s right faith is, that he believe and confess: that Derry Down Triangle, the queue of the Ministry of the great man now no more, is now both Minister and Manager.
For the Sinecurist, the right belief is that he should believe and confess: that Derry Down Triangle, the queue of the Ministry of the great man who is no longer with us, is now both Minister and Manager.
Minister, first selling the substance of his own country to this: Manager scattering the substance of this over all the world;
Minister, first selling the resources of his own country to this: Manager spreading the resources of this across the entire world;
Perfect Knave and perfect Fool: of unsparing despotic views—on overstrained taxation subsisting;
Perfect Knave and perfect Fool: with ruthless authoritarian views—on excessive taxation continuing;
Equal to Old Bags as touching grave Trickery: and inferior to the Doctor as touching his Mummery.
Equal to Old Bags when it comes to serious trickery, and not as skilled as the Doctor when it comes to his deceit.
Who although he be Knave and Fool, yet he is not two, but one Minister;
Who, even if he is a knave and a fool, is still not two, but one minister;
One; not by a conversion of the Charlatan into the Minister; but by shooting a more showy juggler, who wanted, and still wants, to be a Minister.
One; not by turning the Charlatan into the Minister; but by getting rid of a flashier juggler, who wanted, and still wants, to be a Minister.
One altogether; squandering in profusion our substance: by votes of corrupt Majorities.
One together; wasting our resources recklessly: through the decisions of dishonest Majorities.
For as by power of Dupery, and our Money, he makes whom he will his own; so by Intrigue and Cajolery, he is Minister:—
For with the power of Dupery and our money, he makes whoever he wants his own; so through intrigue and charm, he is Minister:—
Who to talk for our Salvation, descended to kiss the Nethermost End of Tally-high-ho; and rose again as a giant refreshed;
Who spoke for our Salvation came down to greet the deepest depths of Tally-high-ho; and rose again like a giant revived;
He ascended into a higher place, he sitteth at the right hand of the Chair; from whence he shall hear how those who being starved—‘by the Visitation of God’—became Dead.
He rose to a higher place, he sits at the right hand of the Chair; from there he will hear how those who were starving—'by the Visitation of God'—became Dead.
At whose nodding all Sinecurists shall rise again, and again; and with their voices cry Aye! Aye! and the Laureate[345] in token of joy, shall mournfully chaunt the most doleful Lay in his Works.
At their signal, all the Sinecurists will stand up again and again, and with their voices shout Yes! Yes! And the Laureate[345] as a sign of joy, will sadly sing the most sorrowful song in his works.
And they that have said Aye! Aye! shall go into place everlasting; and they that have said No! shall go into everlasting Minorities.
And those who said Yes! Yes! will go into everlasting positions; and those who said No! will go into everlasting Minorities.
And Coleridge shall have a Jew’s Harp, and a Rabbinical Talmud, and a Roman Missal: and Wordsworth shall have a Psalter, and a Primer, and a Reading Easy; and unto Southey’s pension Sack-but shall be duly added: and with Harp, Sack-but, and Psaltery, they shall make merry, and discover themselves before Derry Down Triangle, and Hum his most gracious Master, whose Kingdom shall have no end.
And Coleridge will have a Jew’s Harp, a Rabbinical Talmud, and a Roman Missal; and Wordsworth will have a Psalter, a Primer, and a Reading Easy; and Southey's pension Sack-but will be properly added: and with the Harp, Sack-but, and Psaltery, they will enjoy themselves, and reveal their true selves in front of Derry Down Triangle, and Hum his most gracious Master, whose Kingdom will have no end.
This is the Sinecurist’s duty, from doing more than which, except he abstain faithfully, he cannot be a Sinecurist.
This is the Sinecurist’s responsibility, and if he does more than this, unless he stays completely away from it, he cannot be a Sinecurist.
¶ Glory be to old Bags, and to Derry Down Triangle, and to the Doctor.
¶ Praise be to old Bags, to Derry Down Triangle, and to the Doctor.
As it was in the Beginning, is now, and ever shall be, if such things be, without end. Amen.
As it was in the beginning, is now, and will always be, if such things exist, forever. Amen.
[Here endeth the Creed or Belief.]
[Here ends the Creed or Belief.]
Hone was then a poor, friendless man, whom the Government meant to crush by fine and imprisonment in case of conviction. But his triumphant acquittal on each of the three trials had effects exactly opposite to those they anticipated. The legality of his publications being fully established, and public curiosity being aroused, large numbers of the tracts were sold; Hone, instead of being ruined, found himself the hero of the day, with public sympathy in his favour, and a rapidly increasing business. The popular 294 Alderman, Robert Waithman, M.P. for London, interested himself in the case, and presided over a public meeting at which the following resolutions were passed:—
Hone was then a poor, friendless man whom the Government intended to break with fines and imprisonment if he was convicted. But his triumphant acquittal in each of the three trials had effects that were completely opposite to what they expected. With the legality of his publications fully established and public curiosity sparked, large numbers of the tracts were sold; Hone, instead of being destroyed, found himself the hero of the day, with public sympathy on his side and a rapidly growing business. The popular 294 Alderman, Robert Waithman, M.P. for London, took an interest in the case and led a public meeting where the following resolutions were passed away
At a MEETING of the FRIENDS of the LIBERTY of the PRESS and TRIAL by JURY, held at the City of London Tavern, on Monday, December 29, 1817,
At a meeting of the Friends of the Liberty of the Press and Trial by Jury, held at the City of London Tavern, on Monday, December 29, 1817,
Mr. WAITHMAN in the Chair,
Mr. WAITHMAN in charge,
Resolved unanimously,
Agreed unanimously,
1. That the Liberty of the Press is one of the dearest rights and proudest distinctions of Englishmen, and is inseparably connected with, and wholly dependent on the purity of the Trial by Jury.
1. The freedom of the press is one of the most cherished rights and proudest achievements of English people, and it is closely linked to and completely reliant on the integrity of the trial by jury.
2. That the inestimable importance of the sacred and constitutional right of Trial by Jury has never been more demonstratively proved than by the recent prosecutions and honourable acquittals of Mr. William Hone.
2. The undeniable importance of the sacred and constitutional right to Trial by Jury has never been more clearly proven than by the recent prosecutions and honorable acquittals of Mr. William Hone.
3. That Parodies on Scripture having been written and published by Martin Luther, the Father of the Reformation, by Dignitaries of the Church, and by other eminent and learned personages down to the present time, we are persuaded that the exception taken to the parodies of Mr. Hone by the present Ministers of the Crown was to answer political purposes against the Liberty of the Press.
3. Since parodies of Scripture have been written and published by Martin Luther, the Father of the Reformation, by Church leaders, and by other distinguished and knowledgeable individuals up to the present time, we believe that the objections raised against Mr. Hone's parodies by the current Ministers of the Crown were aimed at serving political interests against the freedom of the press.
4. That a hypocritical prostitution of Religion, and a pretended zeal for its defence, when used by corrupt Statesmen as a mask for political persecution, must ever be held by all sincere Christians as the worst profanation of its sacred name.
4. The hypocritical misuse of Religion and the fake enthusiasm for defending it, when employed by corrupt politicians as a cover for political persecution, should always be regarded by all genuine Christians as the worst violation of its sacred name.
5. That it is evident, from the manner in which those prosecutions were commenced and conducted, that the real object of Ministers was not to protect Religion, but to crush an apparently defenceless individual who had exposed their political delinquencies, to stifle public discussion, to destroy the Liberty of the Press, and to uphold existing abuse.
5. It's clear from how those prosecutions started and were carried out that the true aim of the Ministers was not to protect Religion, but to suppress a seemingly vulnerable individual who had pointed out their political wrongdoings, to silence public discussion, to eliminate the freedom of the Press, and to maintain the current abuses.
6. That the extensive knowledge, the varied talents, the manly intrepidity, the energy of mind, and the unshaken perseverance, which enabled Mr. Willian Hone so dauntlessly to resist the reiterated assaults of Ministerial persecution, entitle him to the gratitude and support of every friend to constitutional freedom.
6. The vast knowledge, diverse skills, strong bravery, mental energy, and unwavering determination that allowed Mr. Willian Hone to boldly stand up against the repeated attacks of government persecution make him deserving of the gratitude and support of everyone who values constitutional freedom.
7. That a subscription be now opened, and that the money which may be subscribed be placed in the hands of a Committee, to be used in such way as shall appear to them best calculated to promote the permanent welfare of Mr. Hone and his family.
7. That a subscription be started now, and that the money collected be given to a Committee, to be used in whatever way they think is best to support the long-term well-being of Mr. Hone and his family.
8. That the following Gentlemen be of the Committee—Alderman Goodbehere, Alderman Thorp, Robert Waithman, Joseph Hurcombe, William Sturch, Samuel Brooks, William Williams, William Teasdale.
8. That the following gentlemen be on the committee—Alderman Goodbehere, Alderman Thorp, Robert Waithman, Joseph Hurcombe, William Sturch, Samuel Brooks, William Williams, William Teasdale.
9. That Robert Waithman, Esq., be the Treasurer.
9. That Robert Waithman, Esq., is appointed as the Treasurer.
10. That the Thanks of this Meeting are due to Sir Francis Burdett, Bart., for his spontaneous offers of cooperation with the Gentlemen originating the Subscription, in strict conformity with a life of pure patriotism and love of country.
10. This Meeting would like to express our gratitude to Sir Francis Burdett, Bart., for his willing offers of support to the gentlemen who started the Subscription, in line with a life dedicated to patriotism and love for our country.
11. That the Thanks of this Meeting are hereby cordially given to Mr. Charles Pearson, for his manly and successful struggle in correcting the corrupt system of packing Juries, which has contributed so essentially toward the present triumph; and especially for the gratuitous advice and assistance given to Mr. Hone throughout the whole of the prosecutions, affording a rare example to his profession of zeal, independance, and disinterestedness.
11. The attendees of this meeting would like to sincerely thank Mr. Charles Pearson for his courageous and effective efforts in addressing the corrupt practice of jury packing, which has played a significant role in our current success. We especially appreciate his voluntary advice and support to Mr. Hone during all the prosecutions, showcasing a rare example of dedication, independence, and selflessness in his profession.
12. That the Thanks of this Meeting be given to Lord Cochrane, for his zealous endeavours on the present occasion.
12. That the thanks of this meeting be given to Lord Cochrane for his enthusiastic efforts on this occasion.
ROBERT WAITHMAN, Chairman.
ROBERT WAITHMAN, Chair.
13. That the Thanks of this Meeting be given to Mr. Waithman, for his conduct in the Chair, and for his exertions upon all occasions to support the cause of liberty.
13. That the thanks of this meeting be given to Mr. Waithman for his leadership in the chair and for his efforts at all times to support the cause of liberty.
W. STURCH.
W. Sturch.
This satire was first acted in the year 1600, by the children of Queen Elizabeth’s Chapel, with permission of the master of the revels, the passage above quoted is one of the earliest imitations of the Church of England services, as by Law established.
This satire was first performed in the year 1600 by the children of Queen Elizabeth’s Chapel, with the approval of the master of the revels. The quoted passage above is one of the earliest imitations of the established services of the Church of England.
——:o:——
——:o:——
The following examples are taken from “The Rump; or, an exact Collection of the Choycest Poems and Songs relating to the Late Times. By the most Eminent Wits, from Anno 1639 to Anno 1661.” London, 1662.
The following examples are taken from “The Rump; or, an exact Collection of the Best Poems and Songs related to Recent Times. By the most Notable Wits, from Anno 1639 to Anno 1661.” London, 1662.
295 These poems were all written by the Cavaliers in support of Arbitrary power in Church and State, and against the Commonwealthmen, Puritans, and Dissenters:
295 These poems were all written by the Cavaliers to back the absolute power in the Church and State, and in opposition to the Commonwealth supporters, Puritans, and Dissenters:
In the same collection there are several other imitations of less interest, one commences thus:
In the same collection, there are a few other imitations that are less interesting; one starts like this:
Another thus:
Another one:
And two others, the refrain of one being:
And two others, with one of them saying:
and of the other:
and of the other:
——:o:——
——:o:——
The following is taken from the “Collection of the newest and most ingenious Poems, &c. against Popery,” in quarto, published soon after the Revolution, it refers to the birth of the son of James II., afterwards styled the Pretender.
The following is taken from the “Collection of the newest and most ingenious Poems, &c. against Popery,” in quarto, published soon after the Revolution; it refers to the birth of the son of James II., who was later known as the Pretender.
There was one in the second part of the same Collection beginning—
There was one in the second part of the same Collection starting—
The Nobleman’s Litany.
The Nobleman's Litany.
O Aristocracy! Government divine!! have mercy upon us miserable place-men.
O Aristocracy! Divine government! Have mercy on us wretched common folks.
O Aristocracy, Government divine, &c.
The Aristocracy, Divine Government, etc.
Stars, Garters, and Promotions, proceeding from Aristocracy, and power, have mercy upon us miserable place-men.
Stars, honors, and promotions, coming from the aristocracy and those in power, have mercy on us unfortunate jobholders.
Stars, Garters, and Promotions, &c.
Stars, Garters, and Promotions, etc.
Remember not our offences, nor the offences of our forefathers when in office,—neither take from us our places or our pensions. Spare us, Aristocracy—spare the creatures though hast raised, and be not angry with thy servants.
Remember not our wrongdoings, nor the wrongdoings of our ancestors while in office—nor take away our positions or our pensions. Have mercy on us, Aristocracy—have mercy on the beings you have created, and don’t be angry with your servants.
Aristocracy, spare us!
Aristocracy, please spare us!
From all Democracy, and new-fangled doctrines,
From all democracy and trendy ideas,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
Save us, aristocracy!
From fish-women, mobs, and lamp posts,
From mermaids, crowds, and streetlights,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
Aristocracy, save us!
From national assemblies, national guards, and national cockades,
From national assemblies, national guards, and national flags,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
Aristocracy, save us!
From people who judge for themselves, and pretend to the rights of man,
From people who make their own judgments and claim to uphold the rights of individuals,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
Aristocracy, save us!
From Tom Paine’s rabble and inflammatory pamphlets,
From Tom Paine’s pamphlets,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
Aristocracy, save us!
From the insertion of paragraphs foreign to thy laws, and the liberty of the Press in general,
From the addition of paragraphs that don't follow your rules, and the freedom of the Press overall,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
Aristocracy, save us!
From all revolution meetings, and Ca Ira clubs,
From all the revolution meetings and Ca Ira clubs,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
Aristocracy, save us!
From all investigations and reforms,
From all inquiries and changes,
Aristocracy, deliver us!
Aristocracy, save us!
We place-men do beseech thee to hear us, O Aristocracy, and that it may please thee to govern the Church in thine own way.
We, the common people, ask you to listen to us, O Aristocracy, and we hope you will choose to lead the Church in your own way.
Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.
Aristocracy, we ask you to listen to us.
That it may please thee to illuminate the head of our governor, and make it rich in understanding,
That it may please you to enlighten the mind of our governor, and fill it with wisdom,
Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.
Aristocracy, we ask you to listen to us.
That it may please thee to bless and preserve the governor’s wife, and keep her from all uncharitableness.
That it may please you to bless and protect the governor’s wife, and keep her from all unkindness.
Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.
Aristocracy, we ask you to hear us.
That it may please thee to shower down fat livings on all righteous pastors of the Church, so that they may enjoy every luxury, and by their preaching and living shew it accordingly.
That it may please you to generously provide good livings to all righteous pastors of the Church, so that they may enjoy every luxury, and by their preaching and living demonstrate it accordingly.
Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.
Aristocracy, please hear us out.
That it may please thee to preserve for our use, the kindly fruits of the earth, and all the game thereof, so that no other may enjoy them.
That it may please you to keep for our use, the nice fruits of the earth, and all the game from it, so that no one else may enjoy them.
Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.
Aristocracy, we ask you to listen to us.
That it may please thee to protect such as are in power, both in Church and State; to raise up them that fall; and finally, to beat down farmers, curates, and shopkeepers, beneath our feet,
That it may please you to protect those who are in power, both in the Church and in the State; to lift up those who fall; and finally, to bring down farmers, curates, and shopkeepers, beneath our feet,
Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.
Aristocracy, we ask you to listen to us.
A Dish of Facts and Scraps.
A Plate of Facts and Details.
Friends and fellow-countrymen, no matter where you come from, or whether your mugs be black, white, or whitey brown, you are called upon this day to assemble and meet together to show your sympathy with suffering France, and although we ought at all times to love our neighbours as ourselves, yet it becomes us to look at home and take care of number one.
Friends and fellow countrymen, no matter where you come from, or whether your skin is black, white, or brown, you are invited today to come together and show your support for suffering France. While we should always love our neighbors as ourselves, we also need to focus on ourselves and take care of our own needs.
Now the well-known sufferings of the children of France have called forth the indignation of the Republicans of England, and they held meetings with the view of showing their sympathy for them.
Now the well-known suffering of the children in France has sparked outrage among the Republicans in England, and they held meetings to express their support for them.
And Nappy the Little was enjoying himself in the green fields of Kent, and the Prussian Bully laughed in his sleeve, saying “I will now let them alone, and they will be like unto the Kilkenny cats, they will fight on till there is nothing left but their precious tails.”
And Nappy the Little was having a great time in the green fields of Kent, while the Prussian Bully smiled secretly, saying, “I’ll just leave them be, and they’ll be like the Kilkenny cats, fighting until there’s nothing left but their precious tails.”
But the patriots of St. James’s Hall shouted, “Long live the Republic!” and Georgy (Odger), the man of wax responded, Amen!
But the patriots of St. James’s Hall shouted, “Long live the Republic!” and Georgy (Odger), the man of wax replied, Amen!
Now about the same time the people of England were at loggerheads with the shovel-hatted gentry that infest the upper house of St. Stephen’s, inasmuch as they had rejected measures in spite of the people; and they said, it is not only illegal, but it is naughty for a man to marry the sister of a wife that is dead, excepting when it is to suit the coronetted gentry, and then it is quite a horse of another colour.
Now, around the same time, the people of England were at odds with the upper-class folks in the House of Lords, who had dismissed measures against the will of the people; they claimed that it's not just illegal but also wrong for a man to marry his deceased wife's sister, unless it benefits the aristocracy, in which case it's a completely different story.
But the people communed together, saying, swallow the bill you must, or we will bring in a bill for a man to marry his grandmother, or off come your hats and silk aprons, and we will pack you away to the salt lake to dwell amongst the Mormons.
But the people gathered together, saying, you have to accept the bill, or we’ll propose a bill for a man to marry his grandmother, or off go your hats and silk aprons, and we’ll send you away to the salt lake to live among the Mormons.
And Bruce, of cab flag notoriety, is doing his best to stop a man’s beer, by trying to close the houses for the sale of double stout. But he must mind his eye, or he will put his foot in it, and his licensing dodge will share the same fate as his never-to-be-forgotten cab act.
And Bruce, known for his cab flag fame, is doing everything he can to prevent a guy from getting his beer by trying to shut down the places that sell double stout. But he better be careful, or he'll mess up, and his licensing scheme will end up like his infamous cab act.
And the people said, who is he that interfereth with the liberties of the working men. Better for him that he had a millstone around his neck, and took a cold bath in the Serpentine.
And the people said, who is he that messes with the rights of the workers? It would be better for him to have a millstone around his neck and take a freezing dive in the Serpentine.
And while these things were going on, Gladstone still slumbered, showing that he is like a barber’s block, neither use nor ornament.
And while all this was happening, Gladstone was still asleep, proving that he’s just like a barber’s block—useless and unremarkable.
Now behold, since the happy event of the wedding of the lucky Scotchman with our charming little lady Louise, the call for royal burgoo has been so great, that Scotch oatmeal has risen 50 per cent.
Now look, ever since the joyous wedding of the fortunate Scotsman and our lovely lady Louise, the demand for royal burgoo has skyrocketed, causing the price of Scotch oatmeal to increase by 50 percent.
LET US SAY.
Let’s say.
From all red hot babblers, who would cause us to burn our fingers. Common sense defend us!
From all the loudmouths who would make us burn our fingers. Common sense, protect us!
Friends of peace and order save us!
Friends of peace and order, help us!
From the tender mercies of such pious Kings as the Prussian Bully, Minister of war spare us.
From the kind favors of pious kings like the Prussian bully, Minister of War, spare us.
Spare us, we implore thee.
Spare us, we beg you.
And oh, ye silk aproned gentry, play not too much with the rights of Englishmen, or you will be swept from the floor of St. Stephen’s, and be compelled to earn an honest living.
And oh, you well-dressed folks, don’t mess too much with the rights of English citizens, or you’ll be kicked out of St. Stephen's and forced to get a real job.
And O most noble Secretary for Home affairs, we beg of you to throw up your present berth and turn teetotal spouter, for which you are more fit, and not try to rob a poor man of his beer by your new licencing dodge.
And oh, most honorable Secretary for Home Affairs, we ask you to resign your current position and become a total abstainer, which suits you better, and not attempt to take a poor man's beer away with your new licensing scheme.
Spare us our beer, we beseech thee.
Save us our beer, we ask you.
And Odger, stop up the mouths of our numerous oppressors with your lapstone of defiance, and spur up their shallow minds with your closing awl of reason, and remain for ever the true brick you always have been.
And Odger, shut up the mouths of our many oppressors with your tool of defiance, and challenge their shallow minds with your sharp points of reason, and continue to be the solid person you’ve always been.
And O, Billy Gladstone, return to your duty as you promised the Electors of Greenwich and the whole of the working classes, or prepare to be sent to the imbecile ward of the nearest union.
And oh, Billy Gladstone, get back to your duties like you promised the voters of Greenwich and all the working-class people, or get ready to be sent to the dumb ward of the nearest union.
And now may a hot joint and a pot of home brewed grace the tables of all who need it, and all our enemies be vaccinated by Old Nick on both shoulders.
And now may a hot meal and a pot of homemade brew fill the tables of everyone who needs it, and may all our enemies be vaccinated by Old Nick on both shoulders.
So be it.
So be it.
April, 1871.
April 1871.
The Book-Lover’s Litany.
The Book Lover's Prayer.
From set spoilers and book borrowers, and from such as read in bed,
From those who spoil plot twists and those who borrow books, and from those who read in bed,
Kind Fate protect us.
May good luck protect us.
From plate sneaks, portrait flickers, map tearers and from book thieves,
From plate sneaks, portrait flickers, map tearers, and from book thieves,
Kind Fate protect us.
May fate protect us.
From such as read with unwashed hands; from careless sneezers, snuff takers, and rheum voiders; from tobacco-ash droppers, grease slingers, and moth smashers; from leaf pressers and all unclean beasts,
From those who read with dirty hands; from careless sneezers, snuff users, and those who wipe their noses; from people who drop tobacco ash, throw around grease, and smash moths; from those who press leaves and all unclean creatures,
Kind Fate protect us.
Protect us, kind Fate.
From margin slashers, letter-press clippers and page misplacers; from half-title wasters, original-cover losers, and lettering mis-spellers; from gilt daubers and all the tribe of botcher-binders,
From margin slashers, letter-press clippers, and page misplacers; from half-title wasters, original-cover losers, and lettering misspellers; from gilt daubers and all the group of botcher-binders,
Kind Fate protect us.
May good fortune protect us.
From heat and damp; from fire and mildew; from bookworms, flies and moths,
From heat and humidity; from fire and mold; from bookworms, flies, and moths,
Kind Fate protect us.
Kind Fate, protect us.
From careless servants and removal fiends, and from all thoughtless women and children,
From careless servants and removal enthusiasts, and from all thoughtless women and children,
Kind Fate protect us.
May fate protect us.
From book-droppers and book wrenchers; from ink and pencil markers and scribblers; and from such as write their names on title-pages,
From people who drop books and those who bend them; from those who mark with ink and pencil and scribble; and from those who write their names on title pages,
Kind Fate protect us.
Kind Fate, protect us.
From selling books by auction; from disposing of them by private sale and from all grave disasters,
From auctioning books, from selling them privately, and from all serious disasters,
Kind Fate protect us.
May fate protect us.
From truth economizing cataloguers; from two price booksellers; and from all disingenuous dealers,
From truth-saving catalogers; from two-price booksellers; and from all dishonest dealers,
Kind Fate protect us.
Good luck protect us.
From “Bowdlerized” editions; from expurgators and all putters forth of incomplete editions,
From “Bowdlerized” editions; from those who censor and all publishers of incomplete editions,
Kind Fate protect us.
May good fortune protect us.
Kind Fate protect us.
May kind fate protect us.
From “appliance” lunatics, and library faddists; from “fonetic” cranks, and all that have shingles loose,
From "appliance" fanatics, and library enthusiasts; from "phonetic" oddballs, and all those who have a few screws loose,
Kind Fate protect us.
May luck protect us.
From bibliotaphers and lock and key curmudgeons; and from all glass door bookcases,
From book collectors and grumpy people who lock things up; and from all glass-door bookcases,
Kind Fate protect us.
Dear Fate, protect us.
From wood pulp paper, and all chemical abominations; and from those that manufacture faint ink,
From wood pulp paper and all the chemical horrors; and from those who produce weak ink,
Kind Fate protect us.
Kind Fate, protect us.
From undated books, re-hashed engravings, and gaudy bindings; and from all “jerry” book-binders,
From old books, repeated engravings, and flashy covers; and from all those cheap book-binders,
Kind Fate protect us.
Kind Fate, protect us.
From books that have no index, and from index makers in general,
From books that lack an index, and from index creators in general,
Kind Fate protect us.
May good fate protect us.
From all booksellers who are ignorant and pig-headed, and from them that do not advertise,
From all the clueless and stubborn booksellers, and from those who don’t promote,
Kind Fate protect us.
Kind Fate, protect us.
H. L.
H. L.
The Bookmart. January, 1887.
The Bookmart, January 1887.
“A Sturdy Beggars Litany to the Colossus of the Sun, or the City of London’s intended Petition to the late Prime Minister.” Being an accurate description of his last twenty years administration.
“A Sturdy Beggars Litany to the Colossus of the Sun, or the City of London’s intended Petition to the late Prime Minister.” This is a precise account of his last twenty years in office.
Printed by Hugo de Burgo, for the Company of Flying Stationers. (A Broadside sheet not dated.)
Printed by Hugo de Burgo, for the Company of Flying Stationers. (A broadside sheet not dated.)
This referred to Horace Walpole, Don Carlos, the Queen of Spain, Vernon’s Sea Victory and Lord Scrope.
This referred to Horace Walpole, Don Carlos, the Queen of Spain, Vernon’s Sea Victory, and Lord Scrope.
In the Protestant Tutor for Youth is “A New Litany” in rudely vigorous triplets. The twentieth runs:—
In the Protestant Tutor for Youth, there is “A New Litany” in boldly expressive triplets. The twentieth runs:—
There is also a parody of the Litany in Political Ballads, edited by W. Walker Wilkins. 2 Vols., 1860, and another, dated 1856, in a pamphlet on Capital Punishment addressed to Sir G. C. Lewis, by Arthur Trevelyan J. P., with “A Litany for the Gallows.” London, 1856.
There is also a parody of the Litany in Political Ballads, edited by W. Walker Wilkins. 2 Vols., 1860, and another one, dated 1856, in a pamphlet on Capital Punishment addressed to Sir G. C. Lewis, by Arthur Trevelyan J. P., titled “A Litany for the Gallows.” London, 1856.
The following are imitations of what is “commonly called”
The following are examples of what is “commonly referred to”
THE CREED OF SAINT ATHANASIUS.
THE ATHANASIAN CREED.
The first is taken from an old Collection of poems, called “The Foundling Hospital for Wit”:—
The first is taken from an old collection of poems called “The Foundling Hospital for Wit”:—
Proper Rules and Instructions, Without which no Person can be an Exciseman.
Essential Rules and Guidelines That Everyone Must Follow to Be an Exciseman.
Quicunque vult.
Any who wishes.
Whosoever would be an Exciseman, before all things it is necessary that he learns the Art of Arithmetic.
Whoever wants to be an Exciseman must first learn the Art of Arithmetic.
Which Art, unless he wholly understand, he without doubt can be no Exciseman.
Which Art, unless he fully understands, he undoubtedly cannot be an Exciseman.
Now the Art of Arithmetic is this, we know how to multiply and how to divide. Desunt pauca.
Now the art of arithmetic is this: we know how to multiply and divide. Desunt pauca.
The 1 is a figure, the 2 a figure, and the 3 a figure.
The 1 is a number, the 2 is a number, and the 3 is a number.
The 1 is a number, the 2 a number, and the 3 a number; and yet there are Desunt plurima.
The 1 is a number, the 2 is a number, and the 3 is a number; and yet there are Desunt plurima.
For like as we are compelled by the Rules of Arithmetic, to acknowledge every figure by itself to have signification and form:
For just as we're required by the rules of arithmetic to recognize each number as having its own meaning and shape:
So we are forbidden, by the rules of right reason, to say, that each of them have three significations or three powers.
So we are not allowed, according to the rules of sound reasoning, to say that each of them has three meanings or three powers.
The 2 is of the 1’s alone, not abstracted, nor depending, but produced.
The 2 belongs to the 1's on their own, not abstracted or dependent, but created.
The 3 is of the 1 and 2, not abstracted, nor depending,, nor produced, but derived. So there is one figure of 1. Desunt nonnulla.
The 3 is from the 1 and 2, not separate, not reliant, not created, but derived. So there is one figure of 1. Desunt nonnulla.
He therefore that will be an Exciseman, must thus understand his figures.
He who wants to be a tax collector must understand his numbers.
Furthermore, it is necessary to the preservation of his place, that he also believe rightly the authority of his Supervisor.
Furthermore, it's essential for his position that he also believes in the authority of his Supervisor.
Perfect master and perfect man, of an unconscionable soul and frail flesh subsisting; equal to the Commissioners, as touching that respect which is shown him by the Excisemen, and inferior to the Commissioners as touching their profit and salary.
Perfect master and perfect man, with a boundless soul and delicate body; equal to the Commissioners in the regard shown to him by the Excisemen, and lower than the Commissioners when it comes to their profit and salary.
Who, although he be master and man, is not two, but one Supervisor.
Who, while being both master and servant, is not two, but one Supervisor.
One, not by confusion of place, but by virtue of his authority; for his seal and sign manual perfect his commission; his gauging the vessels, and inspecting the Excisemens’ books, is what makes him Supervisor.
One, not due to a mix-up in location, but because of his authority; his seal and signature validate his commission; his measuring of the vessels and reviewing the Excise men’s records is what makes him the Supervisor.
Who travels through thick and thin, and suffers most from heat or cold, to save us from the addition of taxes, or the deficiency in the funds, by corruption or inadvertency.
Who goes through tough times and endures the worst of heat or cold to protect us from extra taxes or a shortage of funds due to corruption or oversight.
Who thrice in seven days goes his rounds, and once in six weeks meets the Collectors, who shall come to judge between the Exciseman and Victualler.
Who goes around three times in seven days and meets the Collectors once every six weeks, who will come to decide between the Tax Collector and the Vendor.
At whose coming all Excisemen shall bring in their accounts, and the Victuallers their money.
At their arrival, all tax collectors must submit their accounts, and the suppliers must bring their payments.
And they that have done well by prompt payment, shall be well treated.
And those who have done well by paying on time will be treated well.
And those that have done ill, by being tardy in their payment, shall be cast into jail; and the Excisemen whose books are blotted, or accounts unjustifiable, shall be turned out of their places.
And those who have done wrong by delaying their payments will be thrown in jail; and the tax collectors with messed-up records or questionable accounts will be removed from their positions.
These are the rules, which except a man follows, he cannot be an Exciseman.
These are the rules; if a person doesn't follow them, he can't be an Exciseman.
Honour to the Commissioners, fatigue to the Supervisor, and bribery to the Exciseman.
Honors to the Commissioners, exhaustion to the Supervisor, and corruption to the Tax Officer.
As it was from the beginning, when taxes were first laid upon Malt, is now, and ever will be till the debts of the nation are paid. Amen.
As it was from the start, when taxes were first imposed on Malt, it still is, and always will be until the nation's debts are settled. Amen.
The Matrimonial Creed.
The Marriage Creed.
To be used in all dwelling houses.
For use in every home.
Whoever will be married, before all things it is necessary that he hold the conjugal faith, which is this, That there were two rational beings created, both equal, and yet one superior to the other; and the inferior shall bear rule over the superior; which faith, except every one do keep whole and undefiled, without doubt he shall be scolded at everlastingly.
Whoever wants to get married must first uphold the commitment to the relationship, which means recognizing that two rational beings were created, both equal, but one is superior to the other; and the one in the lesser position shall have authority over the one in the greater position. If anyone fails to maintain this belief fully and without corruption, they will undoubtedly face lasting criticism.
The man is superior to the woman, and the woman is inferior to the man; yet both are equal, and the woman shall govern the man.
The man is above the woman, and the woman is below the man; yet both are equal, and the woman will lead the man.
The woman is commanded to obey the man, and the man ought to obey the woman.
The woman is expected to follow the man's lead, and the man should also respect the woman's guidance.
For there is one dominion nominal of the husband, and another dominion real of the wife.
For the husband has one type of authority, while the wife has another.
And yet, there are not two dominions, but one dominion.
And yet, there isn’t two realms, but one realm.
For like as we are compelled by the Christian verity to acknowledge that wives must submit themselves to their husbands, and be subject to them in all things;
For just as we are required by Christian truth to recognize that wives must submit to their husbands and be obedient to them in everything;
So are we forbidden by the Conjugal Faith to say, that they should be at all influenced by their wills or pay any regard to their commands.
So are we not allowed by the Conjugal Faith to say that they should be influenced by their wishes or pay any attention to their commands?
The man was not created for the woman, but the woman for the man.
The man wasn't made for the woman, but the woman was made for the man.
Yet the man shall be the slave of the woman, and the woman the tyrant of the man.
Yet the man will be the woman's servant, and the woman the man's ruler.
So that in all things, as is aforesaid, the subjection of the superior to the inferior is to be believed.
So that in everything, as mentioned before, the superior should be believed to be subject to the inferior.
He, therefore, that will be married, must thus think of the woman and the man.
He who wants to get married must consider both the woman and the man.
Furthermore, it is necessary to submissive Matrimony, that he also believe rightly the infallibility of the wife.
Furthermore, it is essential for a submissive marriage that he also correctly believes in the wife's infallibility.
For the right faith is, that we believe and confess, that the wife is fallible and infallible.
For the right belief is that we accept and acknowledge that the wife is both fallible and infallible.
Perfectly fallible, and perfectly infallible; of an erring soul and unerring mind subsisting; fallible as touching her human nature, and infallible as touching her female sex.
Perfectly flawed, and perfectly flawless; existing with a mistaken soul and an accurate mind; fallible in her human nature, and infallible in her femininity.
Who, although she be fallible and infallible, yet she is not two, but one woman; who submitted to lawful marriage, to acquire unlawful dominion; and promised religiously to obey, that she might rule in injustice and folly.
Who, although she is capable of making mistakes and is also flawless, is still not two people, but one woman; who entered into a legal marriage to gain power unlawfully; and vowed to obey faithfully, so she could exercise her authority in injustice and foolishness.
This is the Conjugal Faith; which except a man believe faithfully, he cannot enter the comfortable state of Matrimony.
This is the Conjugal Faith; which unless a person believes faithfully, they cannot enter the fulfilling state of Matrimony.
From The Wonderful Magazine.
From The Wonderful Magazine.
A New Political Creed.
A New Political Belief.
FOR THE YEAR MDCCLXVI.
FOR THE YEAR 1766.
Quicunque vult.
Quicunque vult.
Whoever will be saved: before all things it is necessary that he should hold the Chatham faith.
Whoever wants to be saved must first believe in the Chatham faith.
Which faith, except every man keep whole and undefiled without doubt he shall sink into oblivion.
Which faith, unless each person maintains it completely and untainted, without a doubt, they will fall into forgetfulness.
And the Chatham faith is this: that we worship one Minister in Trinity, and the Trinity in Unity:
And the Chatham belief is this: that we worship one Minister in Trinity, and the Trinity in Unity:
Neither confounding the persons, nor dividing the substance.
Neither confusing the individuals nor separating the essence.
For the Privy Seal is a Minister, the Secretary is a Minister, and the Treasurer is a Minister.
For the Privy Seal, the Secretary, and the Treasurer, they are all Ministers.
Yet there are not three Ministers, but one Minister; for the Privy Seal, the Secretary, and the Treasurer are all one.
Yet there isn't three Ministers, but one Minister; because the Privy Seal, the Secretary, and the Treasurer are all the same person.
Such as the Privy Seal is, such is the Secretary, and such is the Treasurer.
Such as the Privy Seal is, so is the Secretary, and so is the Treasurer.
The Privy Seal is self-create, the Secretary is self-create, and the Treasurer is self-create.
The Privy Seal is self-created, the Secretary is self-created, and the Treasurer is self-created.
The Privy Seal is incomprehensible, the Secretary is incomprehensible, and the Treasurer is incomprehensible.
The Privy Seal is confusing, the Secretary is confusing, and the Treasurer is confusing.
The Privy Seal is unresponsible, the Secretary is unresponsible, and the Treasurer is unresponsible.
The Privy Seal is not accountable, the Secretary is not accountable, and the Treasurer is not accountable.
And yet there are not three incomprehensibles, three self-created, or three unresponsibles: but one incomprehensible, one self-create, and one unresponsible.
And yet there aren't three things that are incomprehensible, self-created, or unaccountable; there is one incomprehensible thing, one self-created thing, and one unaccountable thing.
For like as we are compelled by the Christian verity, to acknowledge every person by himself to be God and Lord;
For just as we are compelled by Christian truth to recognize each person as their own God and Lord;
So are we forbidden by the articles of the Chatham alliance, to say there are three Ministers:
So are we prohibited by the articles of the Chatham alliance from saying that there are three Ministers:
So that in all things, the Unity in Trinity, and Trinity in Unity, are to be worshipped; and he who would be saved, must thus think of the Ministry.
So in everything, the Unity in Trinity and Trinity in Unity should be worshipped; and anyone who wants to be saved must think of the Ministry this way.
Furthermore it is necessary to elevation, that he also believe rightly of the qualities of our Minister.
Furthermore, it is essential for elevation that he also holds the right opinion about the qualities of our Minister.
For the right faith is, that we believe and confess, that this son of man is something more than man; as total perfection, though of an unreasonable soul, and gouty flesh consisting.
For the right faith is that we believe and confess that this son of man is more than just a man; he embodies total perfection, despite having an imperfect soul and flawed flesh.
Who suffered for our salvation, descended into opposition, rose again the third time, and ascended into the House of Peers.
Who suffered for our salvation, faced challenges, rose again on the third day, and ascended into the House of Peers.
He sitteth on the right hand of the ——, from whence he shall come to judge the good and the bad.
He sits at the right hand of the ——, from where he will come to judge the good and the bad.
And they that have done good, shall go into patent places, and they that have done bad, shall go into everlasting opposition.
And those who have done good will go to prominent places, and those who have done bad will face eternal opposition.
This is the Chatham faith; which except a man believe faithfully, he cannot be promoted.
This is the Chatham faith; without a man believing sincerely, he cannot be promoted.
As he was in the beginning, he is now, and ever will be.
As he was at the start, he is now, and always will be.
Then all the people, standing up, shall say,
Then all the people, standing up, shall say,
O blessed and glorious Trinity, three persons and one Minister, have mercy on us miserable subjects.
O blessed and glorious Trinity, three persons in one Minister, have mercy on us, your miserable subjects.
This parody was written against Lord Chatham. It was published in The New Foundling Hospital for Wit. 1786.
This parody was written about Lord Chatham. It was published in The New Foundling Hospital for Wit in 1786.
The following imitation was written by the Rev. Mr. Toplady, a very popular preacher amongst the Calvinists, who died greatly lamented, at a very early age. Mr. Toplady’s object was to ridicule Lord Chesterfield’s Letters, and the morals therein inculcated It was entitled—
The following imitation was written by the Rev. Mr. Toplady, a very popular preacher among the Calvinists, who was greatly missed after dying at a young age. Mr. Toplady aimed to mock Lord Chesterfield’s Letters and the morals presented in them. It was titled—
“Christianity Reversed, &c.; or Lord Chesterfield’s New Creed.
“Christianity Reversed, etc.; or Lord Chesterfield's New Philosophy.
“I believe, that this world is the object of my hopes and morals; and that the little prettinesses of life will answer all the ends of human existence.
“I believe that this world is the focus of my hopes and values, and that the small pleasures of life will fulfill all the purposes of human existence."
“I believe, that we are to succeed in all things, by the graces of civility and attention; that there is no sin, but against good manners; and that all religion and virtue consist in outward appearance.
“I believe that we will succeed in everything through civility and attentiveness; that there is no sin except against good manners; and that all religion and virtue are reflected in how we present ourselves.”
“I believe, that all women are children, and all men fools; except a few cunning people, who see through the rest, and make their use of them.
“I believe that all women are naive, and all men are fools; except for a few clever individuals who see through the rest and take advantage of them."
“I believe, that hypocrisy and adultery, are within the lines of morality; that a woman may be honourable when she has lost her honour, and virtuous when she has lost her virtue.
“I believe that hypocrisy and adultery fall within the boundaries of morality; that a woman can be honorable even after losing her honor, and virtuous even after losing her virtue."
“This, and whatever else is necessary to obtain my own ends, and bring me into repute, I resolve to follow; and to avoid all moral offences, such as scratching my head before company, spitting upon the floor, and omitting to pick up a lady’s fan And in this persuasion I will persevere, without any regard to the resurrection of the body, or the life everlasting. Amen.
“This, and whatever else is needed to achieve my goals and gain a good reputation, I am determined to pursue; and to steer clear of all moral offenses, like scratching my head in front of others, spitting on the floor, and forgetting to pick up a lady’s fan. And with this mindset, I will keep going, without any concern for the resurrection of the body or life after death. Amen.
“Q. Wilt thou be initiated into these principles?
“Q. Will you be initiated into these principles?
“A. That is my inclination.
A. That's my preference.
“Q. Wilt thou keep up to the rules of the Chesterfield morality?
“Q. Will you stick to the rules of the Chesterfield morality?
“A. I will, Lord Chesterfield being my admonisher. 300
“A. I will, with Lord Chesterfield as my guide. 300
“Then the officiator shall say,
“Then the officiant shall say,”
“Name this child.
“Name this baby.”
“A. A Fine Gentleman.
“A. A Great Guy.
“Then he shall say,
“Then he will say,”
“I introduce thee to the world, the flesh and the devil, that thou mayest triumph over all awkwardness, and grow up in all politeness; that thou mayest be acceptable to the ladies, celebrated for refined breeding, able to speak French and read Italian, invested with some public supernumerary character in a foreign Court, get into Parliament (perhaps into the Privy Council), and that, when thou art dead, the letters written to thy children, may be published, in seven editions, for the instruction of all sober families.
“I introduce you to the world, the flesh, and the devil, so you can overcome any awkwardness and develop good manners; so you can be appealing to women, known for your refined upbringing, able to speak French and read Italian, hold some honorary position at a foreign court, get into Parliament (maybe even the Privy Council), and that when you pass away, the letters written to your children may be published in seven editions, for the education of all respectable families.”
“Ye are to take care that this child, when he is of a proper age, be brought to Court, to be confirmed.”
“You need to make sure that this child, when he's old enough, is brought to Court to be confirmed.”
The Creed of St. Athanasius.
The Nicene Creed.
Quicunque Vult.—(Shanghai Version.)
Quicunque Vult.—(Shanghai Version.)
I. Whosoever will gain his cause, before all things it is necessary, that he understand the working of the Supreme Court.
I. Whoever wants to win their case must first understand how the Supreme Court operates.
II. Which if a man do not understand, without doubt he shall lose his dollars everlastingly.
II. If a man does not understand this, he will definitely lose his money forever.
III. And the condition of the Supreme Court is this, That there be one Judge, one assistant Judge, and one Law Secretary.
III. The setup of the Supreme Court is as follows: there should be one Judge, one assistant Judge, and one Law Secretary.
IV. The parties to a suit confound the persons, and the Court divideth the substance.
IV. The people involved in a lawsuit mix up the individuals, and the Court separates the essence.
V. The Judge is incomprehensible, the Assistant Judge is more incomprehensible, and the Law Secretary most incomprehensible.
V. The Judge is hard to understand, the Assistant Judge is even harder to understand, and the Law Secretary is the hardest to understand.
VI. And yet the decision of the Judge is not the decision of the Assistant Judge, and the decision of the Assistant Judge is not the decision of the Law Secretary.
VI. And yet the Judge's decision is not the same as the Assistant Judge's decision, and the Assistant Judge's decision is not the same as the Law Secretary's decision.
VII. For like as we are compelled by the law of libel to say, the Judge is incorruptible, the Assistant Judge is incorruptible, and the Law Secretary is incorruptible.
VII. Just as we are required by libel laws to state, the Judge is above corruption, the Assistant Judge is above corruption, and the Law Secretary is above corruption.
VIII. So are we forbidden by the law of common sense to say, the Judge is infallible, the Assistant Judge is infallible, and the Law Secretary is infallible.
VIII. So we are not allowed by common sense to say that the Judge is infallible, the Assistant Judge is infallible, and the Law Secretary is infallible.
IX. And the doctrine of the Judge is this—That he was appointed for the sins of the people, and the hardness of heart of the Consuls.
IX. And the Judge's teaching is this—He was chosen because of the people's sins and the stubbornness of the Consuls.
X. The doctrine of the Assistant Judge is this: Equal to the Judge as touching the sign manual, but inferior to the Judge as touching beetle hunting.
X. The principle of the Assistant Judge is this: Equal to the Judge when it comes to the official signature, but lower in rank than the Judge regarding beetle hunting.
XI. The doctrine of the Law Secretary is this—That he was neither made, created, nor appointed, but proceeding.
XI. The principle of the Law Secretary is this—That he was neither made, created, nor appointed, but is simply in progress.
XII. Confusion to the Judge, and to the Assistant Judge, and to the Law Secretary.
XII. Confusion to the Judge, the Assistant Judge, and the Law Secretary.
XIII. As it was in the Levant, so shall it be in China, and (if they can find them) in Worlds without end.
XIII. Just as it was in the Levant, so it will be in China, and (if they can find them) in worlds without end.
——:o:——
——:o:——
The Popular Creed.
The Common Belief.
An American Socialist has written the following as an expression of the real belief of the middle classes of the present day:—
An American Socialist has written the following as an expression of the true beliefs of today’s middle class:—
“I believe in Capital, Father Almighty, maker of weal and woe, and of all things visible and invisible. And in one power, Usury and Increase, the only begotten Son of Capital, begotten of the Father before all dues. Money of money, wealth of wealth, very cash of very cash, begotten, not made, being of one substance with capital, and whereby all things are made; which for us men and for our perdition came forth from the bottomless; and was invented by ‘auri sacra fames,’ and incarnate of the virgin money, and was made gold, stamped, and established also for our fleecing under all governments. It is conjured with and buried and made to rise again, according to the bank books.
“I believe in Capital, Father Almighty, creator of prosperity and hardship, and of everything visible and invisible. And in one power, Usury and Increase, the only begotten Son of Capital, born of the Father before any obligation. Money from money, wealth from wealth, pure cash from pure cash, generated, not created, being of the same essence as capital, and through which all things are made; which for us humans and for our downfall emerged from the depths; and was invented by 'auri sacra fames,' and incarnated from the virgin money, and was made into gold, minted, and also established for our exploitation under all governments. It is conjured, buried, and brought back to life according to the bank statements.”
“And I believe in ‘auri sacra fames,’ the Lord and Giver of Business, which proceedeth from Capital and Interest, which with the Father and Son together are worshipped and glorified; which spake by the economists. And I believe in one all-gathering and illimitable Thrift. I acknowledge one and every dodge for the fleecing of the poor, and I look for the Kingdom of Iniquity and eternal plunder to come.—Amen.”
“And I believe in ‘auri sacra fames,’ the Lord and Giver of Business, which comes from Capital and Interest, which with the Father and Son are worshipped and glorified; which spoke through the economists. And I believe in one all-encompassing and limitless Thrift. I recognize every trick for taking advantage of the poor, and I look forward to the Kingdom of Injustice and endless plunder to come.—Amen.”
——:o:——
——:o:——
The Gladstonian Creed.
The Gladstonian Creed.
Whosoever will be elected, before all things it is necessary that he hold the Gladstonian faith.
Whoever is elected must first and foremost hold the Gladstonian faith.
Which Faith, except every one do keep whole and undefiled, without doubt he shall perish politically.
Which faith, unless everyone keeps it whole and unblemished, will surely lead to their political downfall.
And the Gladstonian faith is this, that we worship one Gladstone in Government and Government in Gladstone.
And the Gladstonian belief is this: we honor one Gladstone in government and government in Gladstone.
Neither confounding his person nor divining his meaning.
Neither confusing his identity nor figuring out his intent.
For there is one person in Gladstone, another in his Son, and not another near the post.
For there’s one person in Gladstone, another in his son, and no one else nearby at the post.
And yet not Two Gladstones, but One Gladstone.
And yet there isn’t Two Gladstones, but One Gladstone.
One Bill holds the Field, not Another in the Field, so the rest nowhere.
One Bill controls the Field, while another is not in the Field at all, leaving the others out of the picture.
One Gladstone Incomprehensible, One William Incomprehensible, and One Bill Incomprehensible.
One Gladstone Incomprehensible, One William Incomprehensible, and One Bill Incomprehensible.
And yet there are not Three Bills, but One Bill;
And yet there isn't Three Bills, but One Bill;
As also there are not Three Premiers, nor Three Incomprehensibles, but One Premier Incomprehensible.
As there are not three Premiers or three Incomprehensibles, but one Premier Incomprehensible.
Who begets invisible principle and policy of Himself, the only unimpeachable authority.
Who creates the invisible principles and policies of Himself, the only unquestionable authority.
For like as we are compelled by the Gladstonian Faith to acknowledge all his policy to be great, good and gracious,
For just as we are driven by the Gladstonian Faith to recognize all his policies as significant, beneficial, and kind,
So we are forbidden by the Gladstonian Religion to say there be Queen, Cabinet, Lords or Commons;
So we are prohibited by the Gladstonian Religion from saying there is a Queen, Cabinet, Lords, or Commons;
And in this faith One is Afore and never after Another; One is Greater never less than another.
And in this belief, there is one that comes before and never after another; one is greater and never less than another.
So that in all things as aforesaid, Verbosity against Unity—Surrender to Malignity—is to be worshipped.
So in all things mentioned, being wordy instead of united—giving in to evil—is to be respected.
Furthermore it is necessary for proper Qualification that he also believe rightly the mystification of the Grand Old Man.
Furthermore, for proper qualification, he also needs to rightly understand the mystification of the Grand Old Man.
For the right faith is that we believe and confess that the People’s William does good for mankind;
For the right belief is that we acknowledge and affirm that the People’s William does good for humanity;
That he is perfect Genius and perfect Man and yet a reasonable Soul on Destructive Acts subsisting;
That he is a perfect genius and a perfect man, yet a reasonable soul engaged in destructive acts;
Equal to no one in Love of Office, and inferior to none in Design to retain it.
Equal to no one in love for the job, and better than no one in the skills to keep it.
For as this reasonable Soul is Flesh and Blood, so Flesh and Blood cannot understand this reasonable Soul.
For just as this rational soul is made of flesh and blood, flesh and blood cannot comprehend this rational soul.
Who will permit any to suffer for his Salvation, and who hopes to rise again with his Bills from the Dead;
Who will allow anyone to suffer for his salvation, and who expects to come back from the dead with his debts?
And whosoever follows shall enter as a Gladstonian politician, and he that does not may sink into political oblivion.
And whoever follows will come in as a Gladstonian politician, and whoever doesn’t may fade into political obscurity.
This is the Gladstonian faith, which except a man believe faithfully he cannot be elected.
This is the Gladstonian faith; unless a person believes sincerely, they cannot be elected.
June, 1886.
June 1886.
——:o:——
——:o:——
Although The Pious Editor’s Creed in “The Biglow Papers” cannot be styled a parody, it is exquisitely humorous, but much too long to give in full:—
Although The Pious Editor’s Creed in “The Biglow Papers” isn't exactly a parody, it's incredibly funny, but it's way too long to present in full:—
——:o:——
——:o:——
In the works of the Right. Hon. Sir Charles Hanbury Williams there occurs a parody entitled—
In the works of the Right Hon. Sir Charles Hanbury Williams, there is a parody titled—
The Lessons for the Day, 1742.
Today's Lessons, 1742.
The First Lesson.
The First Lesson.
¶ Here beginneth the First Chapter of the Book of Preferment.
¶ Here begins the First Chapter of the Book of Preferment.
Now it came to pass in the 15th year of the reign of George the King, in the 2nd month, on the 10th day of the month at Even, that a deep sleep came upon me, the visions of the night possessed my spirit, I dreamed, and behold Robert[346] the minister came in unto the King, and besought him, saying:
Now it happened in the 15th year of King George's reign, in the 2nd month, on the 10th day of the month at evening, that a deep sleep came over me. The visions of the night filled my spirit, and I dreamed. Suddenly, Robert[346] the minister came to the King and pleaded with him, saying:
O King, live for ever! let thy throne be established from generation to generation! but behold now the power which thou gavest unto thy servant is at an end, the Peterborough election is lost, and the enemies of thy servant triumph over him.
O King, live forever! May your throne be established from generation to generation! But now, the power you gave to your servant has come to an end, the Peterborough election is lost, and your servant's enemies are celebrating over him.
Wherefore now I pray thee, if I have found favour in thy sight, suffer thy servant to depart in peace, that my soul may bless thee.
Wherefore now I ask you, if I have found favor in your eyes, let your servant leave in peace, so that my soul may bless you.
And when he had spoken these words, he resigned unto the King his place as First Lord of the Treasury, his Chancellorship of the Exchequer, and all his other preferments.
And after he said these words, he gave up his position as First Lord of the Treasury, his Chancellorship of the Exchequer, and all his other appointments to the King.
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Understood! Please provide the text you would like me to modernize.
This parody concludes with the following:—
This parody ends with the following:—
Old England’s Te Deum to George the Third.
Old England's Te Deum for George III.
We complain of Thee, O King, we acknowledge Thee to be an Hanoverian.
We complain about You, O King, and we acknowledge You as a Hanoverian.
All Hungary doth Worship Thee, the Captain everlasting.
All of Hungary worships You, the eternal Leader.
To Thee all Placemen cry aloud, the House of Lords and all the Courtiers therein.
To You all the officials shout loudly, the House of Lords and all the courtiers there.
To Thee, Carteret and Bath continually do cry,
To you, Carteret and Bath are always calling,
Warlike, Warlike, Warlike, Captain General of the Armies! Brunswick and Lunenburgh are full of the brightness of our coin.
Warlike, Warlike, Warlike, Captain General of the Armies! Brunswick and Lunenburgh are filled with the shine of our money.
The venal Company of Peers praise Thee.
The corrupt Company of Peers praises You.
The goodly fellowship of Ministers praise Thee.
The good group of ministers praises You.
The noble Army of Hanoverians praise Thee.
The noble Army of Hanoverians praises You.
The Holy Bench of Bishops throughout the land doth acknowledge Thee.
The Holy Bench of Bishops across the land acknowledges You.
Thine honourable, true, and steady Son.
Your honorable, true, and dependable son.
Also my Lady Yarmouth the comforter.
Also my Lady Yarmouth, the comforter.
Thou art a glorious Prince, O King!
You are a magnificent Prince, O King!
Thou art the ever charming Son of the Father.
You are the always charming Son of the Father.
When thou tookest upon Thee to deliver this nation, Thou didst not abhor thy Father’s example.
When you took it upon yourself to save this nation, you didn't reject your Father's example.
When Thou hadst overcome the sharpness of want, Thou didst open the smiles of thy favour to all believers in a court.
When you had overcome the harshness of need, you opened the smiles of your favor to all believers in a court.
Thou sittest at the right hand of —— in the Treasury of the Father.
You sit at the right hand of —— in the Treasury of the Father.
We believe that Thou shalt come to be our scourge.
We believe that You will become our punishment.
We therefore pray Thee provide for thy servants, whom Thou hast fed with thy renown. Make them to be numbered with thy slaves in livery everlasting.
We ask You to take care of Your servants, whom You have blessed with Your fame. Let them be counted among Your devoted followers for eternity.
O King, spare thy people of England.
O King, spare your people of England.
And now squeeze thy people of Hanover.
And now squeeze your people of Hanover.
Govern them as Thou hast governed us,
Govern them as You have governed us,
And confine them to their turnips for ever.
And keep them stuck with their turnips forever.
Day by day we sing ballads unto Thee.
Day by day we sing songs to You.
And we bawl against Hanover, ever world without end.
And we complain about Hanover, forever and always.
Vouchsafe, O King, to keep us this year without thy Hanoverians.
Vouchsafe, O King, to keep us this year without your Hanoverians.
The Lord have mercy upon us; the Lord have mercy upon us.
The Lord have mercy on us; the Lord have mercy on us.
O King in Thee have I trusted, let me not be confounded.
O King, I have trusted in You; do not let me be dismayed.
Valour be to the Father, common sense to the Son, and a young bed-fellow to the Countess of Yarmouth; as was not in the beginning, is not now, nor is ever like to be, world without end. Amen!
Valor to the Father, common sense to the Son, and a young partner to the Countess of Yarmouth; as it was not in the beginning, is not now, and is never likely to be, world without end. Amen!
There is another parody of the Te Deum in Robert Southey’s Omniana (vol. 2. p. 41.) entitled Te Franciscum, and dated 1733, but it is of little interest.
There is another parody of the Te Deum in Robert Southey’s Omniana (vol. 2. p. 41.) titled Te Franciscum, dated 1733, but it isn't very noteworthy.
Catechism for the Meridian of the Exchange.
Catechism for the Exchange Meridian.
Q. What is your name?
What's your name?
A. A Freeman.
A. A Free Person.
Q. Who gave you this name?
Q. Who gave you this name?
A. The Candidates for a seat in the House of Commons.
A. The Candidates for a seat in the House of Commons.
Q. Wherein does your Freedom consist?
Q. What does your freedom consist of?
A. First. In having the liberty to eat, drink, and revel in debauchery, from the commencement of the canvass to the close of the poll, let that time be what it may;—and all that on free cost.
A. First. In having the freedom to eat, drink, and indulge in excess, from the start of the campaign to the end of the voting period, regardless of how long that takes;—and all of that at no cost.
Secondly. In giving my vote to that Candidate or his friends, whom I shall conceive the most likely to serve my own private interest, without any regard to the comparative merits of the Candidates, or the welfare and prosperity of this Town and Kingdom.
Secondly. When I cast my vote for that candidate or their supporters, I intend to choose the one I believe will benefit my own private interest, without considering the relative strengths of the candidates or the well-being and success of this town and kingdom.
Q. What sort of morality do you call this?
Q. What kind of morality is this?
A. This I call political morality; and it is this morality which has the greatest influence on the conduct of very many electors.
A. This is what I call political morality, and it is this morality that has the biggest impact on the behavior of many voters.
Q. Are there no electors who vote on other principles?
Q. Are there no voters who have different principles?
A. Yes: there are some who think, judge, and compare before they promise; and then give their suffrage, so that their hearts may not reproach them, for a violation of those principles of morality, which ought to regulate the conduct of every man, especially if he professes to be a Christian.
A. Yes: there are some who think, judge, and compare before they make a promise; and then they give their support, so their hearts won’t blame them for breaking those moral principles that should guide everyone's behavior, especially if they claim to be a Christian.
Q. Is this promise binding, which has been obtained on a false statement of facts?
Q. Is this promise enforceable if it was made based on false statements of fact?
A. All Casuists say No; especially if it be to the injury of a third person.
A. All Casuists say No; especially if it harms a third person.
N.B. Freemen, it must be well-known to you, that Henry Brougham and Thomas Creevey are the Friends of Trade, Peace and Plenty, and have neither Place nor Pension; when it is equally notorious that George Canning and Isaac Gascoyne are the Friends of War, Taxes, and Famine, and are now living on the Spoils of their Country.
N.B. Free people, you all know well that Henry Brougham and Thomas Creevey are the champions of trade, peace, and prosperity, and they receive neither salary nor benefits; while it’s just as well-known that George Canning and Isaac Gascoyne are the advocates of war, taxes, and hunger, and are currently enjoying the riches plundered from their country.
From An impartial Collection of Addresses, Songs, Squibs, &c., published during the Liverpool Election, October 1812.
From An impartial Collection of Addresses, Songs, Squibs, &c., published during the Liverpool Election, October 1812.
The Candidates were the Rt. Hon. George Canning; Lt.-Gen. Isaac Gascoigne; Henry Brougham; Thomas Creevey; and Gen. B. Tarlton. (Messrs. G. Canning and Gascoigne, both Tories, were elected.)
The candidates were the Rt. Hon. George Canning; Lt.-Gen. Isaac Gascoigne; Henry Brougham; Thomas Creevey; and Gen. B. Tarlton. (Messrs. G. Canning and Gascoigne, both Tories, were elected.)
The Income-Tax Catechism.
The Income Tax Guide.
Q. Why is the Income and Property-Tax so called?
Q. Why is it called the Income and Property Tax?
A. Because it is a tax on the mere Income of some people, and on the whole Property of others.
A. Because it is a tax on the basic income of some people, and on the total property of others.
Q. Of whom is it a tax on the Income only?
Q. Whom does it tax based solely on income?
A. It is a tax on the Income only, and on no more than the Income, of those whose Income consists of rent, or of the interest of Property.
A. It is a tax solely on Income, and nothing more than Income, for those whose Income comes from rent or the interest on Property.
Q. Of whom is it a tax on the entire Property?
Q. Who is this tax on all the Property for?
A. It is a tax on the entire Property of those whose Income consists of earnings, and who have no other Property than their Income.
A. It is a tax on the entire property of those whose income comes from earnings and who have no other assets besides their income.
Q. So it is called an Income-Tax when it is a tax on Income arising from Property, and a Property-Tax when it is a tax on Income not arising from Property?
Q. So it’s called an Income Tax when it's a tax on income from property, and a Property Tax when it's a tax on income not coming from property?
A. Yes.
A. Yes.
Q. If persons whose Income consists merely of earnings were taxed in the same proportion as those whose Incomes consist of dividends or of rents, how much Income-Tax would they have to pay?
Q. If people whose income comes solely from wages were taxed at the same rate as those whose income comes from dividends or rents, how much income tax would they need to pay?
A. At the utmost, sixteen pence in the pound on the interest of their yearly incomes at 3 per cent. For instance, a man earning £500 a year would have to pay 20s.
A. At most, sixteen pence per pound on the interest of their yearly incomes at 3 percent. For instance, a man earning £500 a year would need to pay 20 shillings.
Q. Would this be an equitable adjustment of the Income-Tax?
Q. Would this be a fair adjustment of the Income Tax?
A. Not quite; because earnings are mostly precarious.
A. Not really; because earnings are mostly unstable.
Q. How does the Income-Tax affect persons of precarious income?
Q. How does the Income Tax impact people with unstable income?
A. It deprives them of the money which they ought to save as a provision against a season of loss of employment, or against old age.
A. It takes away the money they should save to prepare for times of unemployment or for their retirement.
Q. Where do those people go who are incapacitated by the Income-Tax from making a provision for loss of employment, or for old age?
Q. Where do those people go who are unable to provide for loss of employment or for old age because of the Income Tax?
A. To the workhouse.
A. To the shelter.
Punch, December 13, 1856.
Punch, December 13, 1856.
A Rabble Catechism for M.P.’S.
A Rabble Catechism for MPs.
Respectfully Dedicated to Major Beresford, M.P., for North Essex; Ex-Tory Whipper-in, Secretary-at-War in 1852; with every possible etcetera.
Respectfully Dedicated to Major Beresford, MP, for North Essex; former Tory Whipper-in, Secretary of War in 1852; with every possible etcetera.
Q. What is a rabble?
What is a mob?
A. Rabble is a congregation of creatures that hiss and hoot.
A. A rabble is a group of beings that hiss and hoot.
Q. Biped or quadruped?
Two legs or four legs?
A. I believe, biped.
I believe, human.
Q. Of what are they ordinarily composed?
Q. What are they usually made of?
A. Mud, tempered with ditch-water. Sometimes they are made of road-scrapings; they are sometimes found of pure clay.
A. Mud, mixed with ditch water. Sometimes they are made from road debris; other times, they are found as pure clay.
Q. What is your duty towards the rabble?
Q. What is your responsibility towards the crowd?
A. My duty towards the rabble is, from the very bottom of my heart (wherever that may be) to loathe, detest, hate, and abhor them.
A. My obligation to the crowd is, from the very bottom of my heart (wherever that is) to loathe, detest, hate, and abhor them.
Q. As everything has its place in the condition of the world, what—in your opinion—in the scale of creation, is the proper place of the rabble? Take, for instance, an individual. One of the rabble?
Q. Since everything has its place in the state of the world, what do you think is the proper position of the crowd in the hierarchy of creation? Take, for example, an individual. One of the crowd?
A. I believe that one of the rabble is a—yes—a sort of link between an ape and a contented labourer. I have, I think, read of apes that chop sticks and draw water, and walk upright on two legs; I have no doubt that moral anatomy would establish the analogy. No doubt of it. Yes; one of the rabble is a link between an ape and a labourer—a contented labourer.
A. I think one of the common folks is a—yes—a kind of link between an ape and a happy worker. I believe I’ve read about apes that can use tools, fetch water, and walk on two legs; I'm sure that studying their moral structure would prove this connection. No doubt about it. Yes; one of the common folks is a link between an ape and a happy worker.
Q. Has the rabble any voice?
Q. Does the mob have any say?
A. Certainly not: it is the want of voice that is the rabble’s distinguishing want.
A. Definitely not: it's the lack of voice that sets the crowd apart.
Q. But supposing that the rabble could, by Act of Parliament, for instance, obtain voices—they would then be rabble no longer?
Q. But what if the common people could, through an Act of Parliament, gain a voice—would they still be considered common people?
A. Certainly not.
No way.
Q. The rabble, having no articulate voices, you conceive it to be your bounden duty to hate, and, from the bottom of your heart despise them?
Q. Since the crowd has no clear voices, you think it's your duty to hate them and genuinely despise them from the bottom of your heart?
A. I do.
I do.
31 Q. But, having obtained voices, the rabble would then be to you—
31 Q. But, once they have a say, the crowd would then be to you—
A. Every one of them a man and a brother; that is—at Election times. Yes; from the bottom of my heart, a man and a brother.
A. Each of them is a man and a brother; that is—during Election times. Yes; from the bottom of my heart, a man and a brother.
A Rabble Catechism for the Rabble.
A Straightforward Guide for Everyone.
Q. What are you?
What are you?
A. One o’ the rabble
A. One of the crowd
Q. What makes you of the rabble?
Q. What makes you one of the common people?
A. Nothin’ makes me; got nothin’; that’s why nothin’ does it.
A. Nothing makes me; got nothing; that’s why nothing does it.
Q. What is your place in the world?
Q. What is your role in the world?
A. Got no place by rights; only what the gentlefolks is so kind—heaven bless ’em—is so kind to grant me.
A. I have no rightful place; only what the kind gentlemen and ladies—bless them—is gracious enough to give me.
Q. What are your duties in life?
Q. What are your responsibilities in life?
A. My duties is to pay duties on ’bacca, and on whatsomever there may be put upon—tea and beer and so forth—and ax no questions.
A. My job is to pay taxes on tobacco and on whatever else may be taxed—tea and beer and so on—and ask no questions.
Q. Have you any voice at elections?
Q. Do you have a say in elections?
A. Yes: when I hollars.
A. Yes: when I shout.
Q. But you have no vote?
Q. But you don't have a vote?
A. In course not. ’Cause I’m one o’ the rabble.
A. Of course not. Because I'm one of the crowd.
Q. And as one of the rabble—what are you to expect from the gentlemen who propose themselves—for the benefit of the country—to be Members of Parliament?
Q. And as one of the common people—what should you expect from the gentlemen who put themselves forward—for the good of the country—to be Members of Parliament?
A. I am to expect, and not a bit to mind it, to be despised from the bottom of their hearts.
A. I should expect, and not mind at all, to be hated from the bottom of their hearts.
Q. Were you created for that?
Q. Were you made for that?
A. I was, as badgers were made to be baited, foxes to be hunted, and hedgehogs to be beaten to bits—so was the rabble made to be despised by Members of Parliament, ’specially when majors, from the very bottom of their hearts.
A. I was, like badgers are meant to be baited, foxes to be hunted, and hedgehogs to be smashed—so the crowd was meant to be looked down on by Members of Parliament, especially when majors, with all their hearts.
Punch.
Punch.
Le Catechisme des Anglais.
The Catechism of the English.
Pour l’expulsion des Français sous Napoleon I.
For the expulsion of the French under Napoleon I.
D. Dis moi, mon enfant, qui es tu?
D. Tell me, my child, who are you?
R. Anglais; par la grace de Dieu.
R. English; by the grace of God.
D. Quel est l’ennémi de notre félicité?
D. Quel est l’ennemi de notre félicité?
R. L’Empereur des Français.
R. The Emperor of France.
D. Combien a-t-il de natures?
D. How many types does he have?
R. Deux: la nature humaine, et la diabolique.
R. Deux: human nature, and the diabolical.
D. Combien y a d’Empereurs des Français?
D. How many Emperors of the French are there?
R. Un véritable, en trois personnes trompeuses.
R. A true one, in three deceiving personas.
D. Comment les nomme t-on?
D. What do we call them?
R. Napoléon, Murat, Manuel Godoi.
R. Napoleon, Murat, Manuel Godoi.
D. Lequel des trois est le plus méchant?
D. Which one of the three is the meanest?
R. Ils le sont tous trois également.
R. They all three are the same.
D. De qui dérive Napoléon?
D. Who is Napoleon descended from?
R. Du péché.
R. Of sin.
D. Murat?
D. Murat?
R. De Napoléon; et Godoi de la formation des deux autres.
R. De Napoléon; and Godoi on the formation of the two others.
D. Quel est l’esprit du prémier?
D. Quel est l’esprit du prémier?
R. L’orgueil et le despotisme.
R. Pride and despotism.
D. Du sécond.
D. From the second.
R. La rapine, et la cruauté.
R. Theft and cruelty.
D. Du troisième?
D. From the third?
R. La cupidité, la trahison, et l’ignorance, &c. &c.
R. Greed, betrayal, and ignorance, etc. etc.
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Understood. Please provide the text for modernization.
This fragment of a catechism appeared in Notes and Queries June 27, 1868, with a request for information as to its origin, to which no reply seems to have been made.
This excerpt from a catechism was published in Notes and Queries on June 27, 1868, with a request for information about its origin, but it seems no one responded.
A Catechism for Londoners.
A Guide for Londoners.
Q. What is a Premium?
What is a premium?
A. Premium is a Latin word meaning “prize” or “reward.” In London this reward is given by Landlords to themselves out of the money of incoming Tenants.
A. Premium is a Latin word that means “prize” or “reward.” In London, this reward is taken by landlords from the money of new tenants.
Q. Is a Premium a prize for good conduct?
Q. Is a premium a reward for good behavior?
A. Exclusively so. The good conduct consists in allowing Tenants to live in London at all.
A. Exclusively so. Good behavior involves letting tenants live in London at all.
Q. Is the moment when a house is taken the only occasion on which a Premium is exacted?
Q. Is the moment when a house is taken the only time a Premium is charged?
A. Not at all. When a lease expires, Landlords, especially Ducal ones (see Mr. Platt’s evidence before the Parliamentary Committee), often refuse to renew without a heavy Premium.
A. Not at all. When a lease ends, landlords, especially Ducal ones (see Mr. Platt's evidence before the Parliamentary Committee), often refuse to renew unless they get a hefty premium.
Q. Is it a valid plea to say that this Premium is a repayment to the Landlord for improvements which he has kindly made in the house?
Q. Is it a valid argument to say that this Premium is a payment to the Landlord for the improvements he has generously made to the house?
A. No; because the Landlord hardly ever makes any improvements.
A. No; because the landlord rarely makes any improvements.
Q. Then, at any rate, Tenants of London houses can always have the advantage of a lease, if they like to pay a Premium for it?
Q. So, at least, tenants of London houses can always benefit from a lease if they're willing to pay a premium for it?
A. Such is not the case. Some Ducal Landlords now exact Premiums, and at the same time refuse to grant leases.
A. That is not the case. Some Duke landlords now charge premiums while also refusing to grant leases.
Q. Then the Tenant becomes a mere Tenant-at-will?
Q. Does that mean the Tenant is now just a Tenant-at-will?
A. Unless he prefers to become a Tenant-at-won’t, and leaves the house in disgust.
A. Unless he chooses to be a Tenant-at-won’t and leaves the house in frustration.
Q. Why do not all Tenants adopt the latter system?
Q. Why don't all tenants use the latter system?
A. Because to leave his place of business may mean to a tradesman the sacrifice of his “connection,” a fact of which Landlords take full advantage.
A. Because leaving his place of business might mean sacrificing his “connections” for a tradesman, landlords take full advantage of this fact.
Q. If a Tenant asked his Landlord for compensation for improvements executed by himself, what would the latter do?
Q. If a tenant asked their landlord for compensation for improvements made by them, what would the landlord do?
A. Improve him off the estate, probably.
A. Probably get him out of the estate.
Q. When a London Landlord destroys at one blow the value of a Tradesman’s good-will, by refusing him a lease, and drives him to emigrate by exacting a “starvation-rent,” what does he call the result to the Tenant?
Q. When a London landlord eliminates the value of a tradesman's goodwill in one fell swoop by refusing to give him a lease, and forces him to leave the country by demanding an unlivable rent, what does he refer to the outcome for the tenant?
A. A happy re-lease.
A joyful release.
Q. What is the theoretical foundation on which Ducal Landlords build their claim to rack-rent all occupiers who “hold of” them?
Q. What is the theoretical basis that Ducal Landlords use to justify charging high rent to all occupants who “hold of” them?
A. That it is entirely owing to their own careful attention and unremitting exertions that the soil of London is now of any value whatever.
A. That it is entirely due to their own careful attention and continuous efforts that the soil of London now has any value at all.
Q. And of what material is that foundation largely composed?
Q. What is that foundation mainly made of?
A. Portland Cement.
A. Portland Cement.
Q. What would the Ducal monopoly of land and houses in the best situations in London be called in Chicago?
Q. What would the Ducal monopoly of land and houses in the best locations in London be called in Chicago?
A. A “corner in rents.”
A “rent monopoly.”
Q. And what would be an appropriate name for the victim of this monopoly?
Q. And what would be a suitable name for the victim of this monopoly?
A. A Ground-Tenant.
A Ground-Tenant.
Q. Although the Ducal system of “improving estates,” by turning out old Tenants and raising the rent to the utmost possible limit, may press hardly on individuals, do not these territorial magnates display a splendid example of public-spirited generosity and self-denying civic virtue which compensates for private loss?
Q. Although the duke's approach to "improving estates" by evicting old tenants and pushing rents to the highest possible limit might be tough on individuals, don’t these landowners set a great example of public-spirited generosity and selfless civic virtue that makes up for personal loss?
A. Scarcely.
Barely.
Punch. May 7, 1887.
Punch. May 7, 1887.
A Catechism of the Peerage.
A Guide to the Peerage.
Question. What is a Peer.
Question. What is a peer?
Answer. The eldest son of his father.
Answer. The oldest son of his father.
31 Q. Who gave him that Title?
31 Q. Who gave him that title?
A. No one; it came to him through the accident of birth.
A. No one; it just came to him by chance of being born.
Q. Has he no other claim or qualification?
Q. Does he have no other claim or qualification?
A. None.
A. None.
Q. What is the nature of his Title?
Q. What kind of Title does he have?
A. Hereditary.
A. Inherited.
Q. Are there no other kind of Peers?
Q. Are there no other kinds of Peers?
A. Yes; there are a few Life Peers.
A. Yes; there are a few Life Peers.
Q. What are they?
What are they?
A. Commoners who are made Peers for the rest of their lives, without their titles being transmitted to their heirs.
A. Commoners who become Peers for the rest of their lives, without passing their titles on to their heirs.
Q. Who creates Peers?
Who makes Peers?
A. The Crown.
The Crown.
Q. What are men made Peers for?
Q. What are men made peers for?
A. For winning battles, for serving their party in the House of Commons, for being old and no longer of any use to it, for being troublesome to their colleagues, for being behind the times, and for being political nuisances that cannot be got rid of in any other way.
A. For winning battles, for serving their party in the House of Commons, for being old and no longer useful, for being a hassle to their colleagues, for being out of touch, and for being political nuisances that can’t be dealt with any other way.
Q. Are Poets ever made Peers?
Q. Are poets ever made peers?
A. Yes. Lord Tennyson.
A. Yes. Lord Tennyson.
Q. Why was he made a Peer?
Q. Why was he given a peerage?
A. For writing adulatory verses, as Poet Laureate, on royal births, marriages and deaths.
A. For writing praise-filled poems, as Poet Laureate, on royal births, marriages, and deaths.
Q. Besides Hereditary Peers and Life Peers, are there any other special kinds?
Q. Besides Hereditary Peers and Life Peers, are there any other special types?
A. Yes. Temporal Peers and Spiritual Peers?.
A. Yes. Temporal Peers and Spiritual Peers?
Q. What are Spiritual Peers?
What are Spiritual Peers?
A. Bishops of the Church of England.
A. Bishops of the Church of England.
Q. What are the Privileges of a Peer?
Q. What are the privileges of a peer?
A. To be called “My Lord,” to sit in Parliament without asking his fellow-citizens, to legislate without consulting them, to appoint clergymen to livings in the Church, and his poor relations to well-paid offices in the public service.
A. To be addressed as “My Lord,” to sit in Parliament without consulting his fellow citizens, to create laws without their input, to assign clergymen to positions in the Church, and to place his less fortunate relatives in high-paying public jobs.
Q. Whom does the House of Commons represent?
Q. Who does the House of Commons represent?
A. The People of England.
The English People.
Q. Whom do the Peers represent?
Q. Who do the Peers represent?
A. Themselves.
Themselves.
Q. How many are they?
How many are there?
A. Five hundred and twelve.
512.
Q. How many does the People’s House represent?
Q. How many people does the House of Representatives represent?
A. Thirty-four millions.
34 million.
Q. Are the members of the House of Lords all English.
Q. Are all the members of the House of Lords English?
A. No; the Scotch Peers created before 1707 elect sixteen of their number to sit in each Parliament, and the Irish Peers created before 1801 elect twenty-eight of their number to sit for life.
A. No; the Scottish Peers created before 1707 elect sixteen of their members to sit in each Parliament, and the Irish Peers created before 1801 elect twenty-eight of their members to sit for life.
Q. How many Peers are Conservatives, and how many are Liberals?
Q. How many of the Peers are Conservatives, and how many are Liberals?
A. There are 285 Conservatives and 218 Liberals, the remaining few being uncertain.
A. There are 285 Conservatives and 218 Liberals, with a few others being unsure.
Q. Do they vote on all questions in proportion to these numbers?
Q. Do they vote on all questions based on these numbers?
A. No; they generally show an overwhelming majority against Liberal measures, especially in relation to the Landed Interest.
A. No; they usually show a strong majority against Liberal measures, particularly regarding the Landed Interest.
Q. Can they prevent the People’s House from passing any laws it may deem necessary?
Q. Can they stop the People’s House from passing any laws it thinks are necessary?
A. Yes.
A. Yes.
Q. Have they often done so?
Q. Have they done that often?
A. Yes, always, until they were beaten.
A. Yes, always, until they were defeated.
Q. Are not the Bishops more friendly to measures passed by the People’s House for the good of the nation?
Q. Aren't the Bishops more supportive of the measures approved by the People's House for the benefit of the nation?
A. No; they have always opposed such measures even more obstinately than the Temporal Peers.
A. No; they have always resisted such measures even more stubbornly than the Temporal Peers.
Q. How many clergymen are appointed to their livings by Peers?
Q. How many clergymen are appointed to their positions by Peers?
A. Nearly five thousand.
Almost five thousand.
Q. Are the Peers rich or poor?
Q. Are the peers wealthy or struggling?
A. Rich.
A. Wealthy.
Q. What does their wealth spring from?
Q. Where does their wealth come from?
A. The land.
The land.
Q. Do they cultivate it?
Do they grow it?
A. No, they own it, and the cultivators pay them rent.
A. No, they own it, and the farmers pay them rent.
Q. How much land do they own?
Q. How much land do they own?
A. 16,411,986 acres.
16,411,986 acres.
Q. How much land is there in Great Britain and Ireland?
Q. How much land is there in Great Britain and Ireland?
A. 72,119,961 acres, exclusive of waste lands and commons.
A. 72,119,961 acres, not including wasteland and common areas.
Q. What is the yearly income of the richest Peer?
Q. What is the annual income of the richest peer?
A. Four hundred thousand pounds.
£400,000.
Q. How much is that per day?
Q. How much is that each day?
A. Ten hundred and ninety-five pounds.
1,095 lbs.
Q. What is the highest daily wage of a farm labourer?
Q. What is the highest daily pay for a farm worker?
A. Half-a-crown.
A. Two shillings and sixpence.
Q. How much public money do the Peers draw from offices and pensions?
Q. How much public money do the Peers receive from their positions and pensions?
A. £598,056.
£598,056.
Q. Have the Peers any other power or influence than that already mentioned?
Q. Do the Peers have any other power or influence besides what has already been mentioned?
A. Yes, they have nearly three hundred relations, by birth or marriage, in the House of Commons.
A. Yes, they have almost three hundred relatives, by birth or marriage, in the House of Commons.
Q. Have the Peers any other privileges?
Q. Do the Peers have any other privileges?
A. Yes, the clergy pray for them every Sunday that they may be endued with grace, wisdom, and understanding.
A. Yes, the clergy pray for them every Sunday that they may be filled with grace, wisdom, and understanding.
Q. Is the prayer answered?
Is the prayer answered?
A. No.
A. Nope.
Q. What are the duties of a Peer?
Q. What are the responsibilities of a Peer?
A. To spend his money, and to sit in the House of Lords when he feels disposed.
A. To spend his money and sit in the House of Lords whenever he feels like it.
Q. Is he often so disposed?
Q. Is he often like that?
A. No; the average attendance of Peers in the House of Lords is about twenty.
A. No; the average attendance of peers in the House of Lords is about twenty.
Q. Have the Peers no other duties?
Q. Do the Peers have no other responsibilities?
A. Yes, they have to provide the chief officers of the Royal Household, as only Peers and Peeresses can perform such exalted functions.
A. Yes, they have to provide the top officials of the Royal Household, as only Peers and Peeresses can carry out such prestigious duties.
Q. Do they fill those offices gratuitously?
Q. Do they take those positions for free?
A. No, they are handsomely paid, some of them receiving as much as £2,000 a year.
A. No, they are well-paid, with some earning as much as £2,000 a year.
Q. Have they any other duty?
Q. Do they have any other responsibilities?
A. No, that is the whole duty of a Peer.
A. No, that's the entire responsibility of a Peer.
Issued by The People’s League for the Abolition of the Hereditary Chamber.
Issued by The People’s League for the Abolition of the Hereditary Chamber.
The Drunkard’s Catechism.
The Drunkard’s Guide.
Question.—What is your name?
Question.—What's your name?
Answer.—Drunken Sot.
Answer.—Drunkard.
Q.—Who gave you that name?
Q.—Who gave you that name?
A.—As drink is my idol, landlords and their wives get all my money; they gave me that name in my drunken sprees wherein I was made a member of strife, a child of want, and an inheritor of a bundle of rags.
A.—Since drinking is my obsession, landlords and their wives take all my money; they gave me that name during my drunken binges, where I became part of conflict, a child in need, and the owner of a bundle of rags.
Q.—What did your landlords and landladies promise for you.
Q.—What did your landlords and landladies promise you?
A.—They did promise and vow three things in my name, first, that I should renounce the comfort of my own fireside; secondly, starve my wive and hunger my children; thirdly, walk in rags and tatters, with my shoe soles going flip flap all the days of my life.
A.—They promised and pledged three things in my name: first, that I would give up the comfort of my own home; second, neglect my wife and let my children go hungry; third, walk around in rags and torn clothes, with my shoe soles flipping and flopping for the rest of my life.
Q.—Rehearse the articles of thy belief.
Q.—Share the statements of your beliefs.
A.—I believe in the existence of one Mr. Alcohol, the great head and chief of all manner of vice, the source of nine-tenths of all diseases! and I not only believe, but am sure that when my money is gone and spent, the landlord will stop the tap and turn me out.
A.—I believe in the existence of one Mr. Alcohol, the great leader and head of all kinds of wrongdoing, the source of nine-tenths of all illnesses! And I not only believe it, but I’m certain that when my money is gone, the landlord will cut me off and kick me out.
A.—Ten.
A.—10.
Q.—Which be they?
Q.—Which ones are they?
A.—The same which the landlord and landlady spake in the bar, saying, We are thy master and thy mistress who brought thee out of the paths of virtue, placed thee in the ways of vice, and set thy feet on the road which leadeth to New South Wales.
A.—The same thing the landlord and landlady said in the bar, saying, We are your master and mistress who took you out of the paths of virtue, put you in the ways of vice, and set you on the road that leads to New South Wales.
I.—Thou shalt use no other house but mine.
I.—You must use only my house.
II.—Thou shalt not make to thyself any substitute for intoxicating drinks, such as tea, coffee, ginger-pop and lemonade; for I am a jealous man, wearing the coat that should be on thy back, eating thy children’s bread, and pocketing the money which should make thee and thy wife happy all the days of thy life.
II.—You shall not create any substitute for intoxicating drinks, like tea, coffee, ginger ale, and lemonade; for I am a jealous man, wearing the coat that should be on your back, eating your children’s bread, and taking the money that should make you and your wife happy all the days of your life.
III.—Thou shalt not use my house in vain.
III.—You shall not use my house for trivial purposes.
IV.—Remember that thou eat but one meal on the Sabbath day. Six days shalt thou drink and spend all thy money, but the seventh day is the Sabbath, wherein I wash my floor, mend my fires and make ready for the company the remaining part of the day.
IV.—Remember that you should have only one meal on the Sabbath day. For six days you can drink and spend all your money, but the seventh day is the Sabbath, when I clean my floor, tend to my fires, and prepare for the rest of the day’s company.
V.—Thou shalt honor the landlords, the landladies and the gin-shops, with thy presence that thy days may be few and miserable, in the land wherein thou livest.
V.—You should honor the landlords, the landladies, and the bars by showing up, so your days may be short and miserable in the land where you live.
VI.—Thou shalt commit murder, by starving, hungering and beating thy wife and family.
VI.—You shall commit murder by starving, depriving, and beating your wife and family.
VII.—Thou shalt commit self-destruction.
VII.—You shall commit self-destruction.
VIII.—Thou shalt sell thy wife’s and children’s bread and rob thyself of all thy comforts.
VIII.—You will sell your wife's and children's bread and deprive yourself of all your comforts.
IX.—Thou shalt bear false witness when thou speakest of the horrors, saying, Thou art in good health when labouring under the barrel fever.
IX.—You shall lie when you talk about the horrors, saying, You are in good health when suffering from barrel fever.
X.—Thou shalt covet all thy neighbour is possessed of; thou shalt covet his house, his land, his purse, his health, his wealth, and all that he has got, that thou mayest indulge in drunkenness, help the brewer to buy a new coach, a pair of fine horses, a new dray, and a fine building, that he may live in idleness all his days; likewise to enable the landlord to purchase a new sign to place over his door, with “Licensed to be drunk on the Premises” written thereon.
X.—You shall desire everything your neighbor owns; you shall want his house, his land, his money, his health, his wealth, and all that he has, so that you can indulge in drinking, help the brewer buy a new coach, a pair of nice horses, a new cart, and a fancy building, so he can live in laziness for the rest of his days; also to allow the landlord to get a new sign to hang over his door, with “Licensed to be drunk on the Premises” written on it.
The foregoing are only a few of the many imitations of the Catechism, others are either too long to quote, or not sufficiently interesting.
The above are just a few of the many imitations of the Catechism; others are either too long to quote or not interesting enough.
There was one published during the Regency, entitled “A Political Catechism, dedicated (without permission) to His most Serene Highness Omar Bashaw, Bey and Governor of the Warlike City and Kingdom of Algiers; the Earl of Liverpool, Lord Castlereagh, and Co.” Coventry: J. Turner. Price Twopence. It was also published in London, by R. Carlile, 1817.
There was one published during the Regency, titled “A Political Catechism, dedicated (without permission) to His most Serene Highness Omar Bashaw, Bey and Governor of the Warlike City and Kingdom of Algiers; the Earl of Liverpool, Lord Castlereagh, and Co.” Coventry: J. Turner. Price Two Pence. It was also published in London, by R. Carlile, 1817.
This was written to urge the people to petition the Prince Regent for Parliamentary, and Constitutional Reform.
This was written to encourage people to request the Prince Regent to implement parliamentary and constitutional reform.
Another, which was published about three years ago, was styled “The Conservative Catechism, or, the Principles of Organised Hypocrisy Explained.” This was issued, at the low price of one penny, by Abel Heywood & Son, Manchester, and had a large sale among the Radical voters at the time of the last Election.
Another one, which came out about three years ago, was titled “The Conservative Catechism, or, the Principles of Organised Hypocrisy Explained.” This was published, at the low price of one penny, by Abel Heywood & Son, Manchester, and sold well among Radical voters during the last Election.
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The following parody occurred in a sermon preached at St. Paul’s Cross during the reign of James I., by Dr. John Boys, Dean of Canterbury:—
The following parody took place in a sermon given at St. Paul’s Cross during the reign of James I., by Dr. John Boys, Dean of Canterbury:—
“Our Pope, which art in Rome, cursed be thy name; perish may thy kingdom; hindered may thy will be, as it is in heaven, so in earth. Give us this day our cup in the Lord’s Supper; and remit our moneys which we have given for thy indulgencies, as we send them back unto thee; and lead us not into heresy; but free us from misery; for thine is the infernal pitch and sulphur, for ever and ever. Amen.”
“Our Pope, who is in Rome, cursed be your name; may your kingdom perish; may your will be blocked, as it is in heaven, so on earth. Give us this day our cup in the Lord’s Supper; and forgive us our money that we’ve given for your indulgences, as we send them back to you; and lead us not into heresy; but deliver us from misery; for yours is the hellish fire and brimstone, forever and ever. Amen.”
This was printed in Jefferson’s Entertaining Literary Curiosities, 1808, and was also referred to by Hone in his trials.
This was printed in Jefferson’s Entertaining Literary Curiosities, 1808, and was also mentioned by Hone in his trials.
A long article appeared in Notes and Queries, August 8, 1885, devoted to the history of the Lord’s Prayer, with variations, paraphrases, imitations, and translations. It gave two curious versions of the Prayer in very early English.
A lengthy article was published in Notes and Queries on August 8, 1885, focused on the history of the Lord's Prayer, including variations, paraphrases, imitations, and translations. It included two interesting versions of the Prayer in very early English.
“Monsieur Grévy, qui êtes à l’Elysée, demeurez et faites que nous demeurions toujours dans les sentiments républicains. Touchez vos loyers en paix. Distribuez de bonnes places à vos serviteurs. Rendez des portefeuilles à ceux qui n’en ont plus, continuez a faire grâce aux condamnés comme ils vous feraient grâce eux mêmes, et délivrez-nous des petits papiers. Au nom du beau-père, du gendre, et de Boulanger. Amen!”
“Mr. Grévy, who are at the Elysée, stay and let us always hold on to republican values. Collect your rents peacefully. Give good positions to your servants. Return portfolios to those who no longer have any, continue to grant clemency to the condemned as they would grant it to themselves, and free us from the petty paperwork. In the name of the father-in-law, the son-in-law, and Boulanger. Amen!”
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The Wife’s Commandments.
The Wife’s Rules.
| I. | Thou shalt have none other wife but me. |
| II. | Thou shalt not take into thy house any beautiful brazen image to bow down to her, nor serve her, for I thy wife am a jealous wife, visiting the sins of the husband unto thee, etc. |
| III. | Thou shalt not take the name of thy wife in vain. |
| IV. | Remember to keep her respectably. |
| V. | Honour thy wife’s Father and Mother. |
| VI. | Thou shalt not scold. |
| VII. | Thou shalt not find fault with thy dinners. |
| VIII. | Thou shalt rock the cradle during my absence, and shalt prepare the tea for my return. |
| IX. | Thou shalt not be behind thy neighbours. |
| X. | Thou shalt not visit the whisky tavern, thou shalt not covet the tavern keeper’s Rum, nor his Brandy, nor his Gin, nor his Whisky, nor his Wine, nor anything that is behind the bar, nor in front of the bar of the tavern keeper. |
The Husband’s Commandments.
The Husband’s Rules.
| I. | Thou shalt have no other Husband but me. |
| II. | Thou shalt not take unto thyself any man wherewith to call him Husband, to bow down to him, nor to worship him, for I am a jealous Husband, visiting, etc. |
| III. | Thou shalt not take any other name but that of thine Husband. |
| IV. | Remember to keep him respectably. |
| V. | Honour thy Husband’s lawful commands. |
| VI. | Thou shalt not scold. |
| VII. | Thou shalt not be too fond of fine clothes, but be saving in all things. |
| VIII. | Thou shalt not gossip with thy Neighbours, but do thy work. |
| IX. | Thou shalt not tell thy Neighbours of any of thine Husband’s faults. |
| X. | Thou shalt not frequent Theatres, or Music Halls, or Concert Rooms, or any other place of that kind without thine Husband. |
306 Les X. Commandements des Baigneurs.
306 The X Commandments of Swimmers.
De nombreux accidents arrivant chaque année il ne nous paraît pas inutile de rappeller à nos chers lecteurs les dix commandements du grand hygiéniste hongrois, Kruger.
De nombreux accidents arrivent chaque année, il ne nous semble pas inutile de rappeler à nos chers lecteurs les dix commandements du grand hygiéniste hongrois, Kruger.
I. Après les émotions vives, ne te baigne pas.
I. After intense emotions, don’t go swimming.
II. Après un malaise subit, ne te baigne pas.
II. After feeling unwell suddenly, don’t swim.
III. Après une nuit d’insomnie, après un excès de fatigue, ne te baigne pas.
III. After a night of insomnia, after an excess of fatigue, don’t take a bath.
IV. Après un repas copieux, après de chaudes libations, ne te baigne pas.
IV. After a hearty meal, after some strong drinks, don’t take a bath.
V. Lorsque tu te rends au bain, ne cours pas.
V. When you go to the bath, don’t run.
VI. Ne te baigne pas dans une eau dont tu ne connais pas la profondeur.
VI. Don't swim in water if you don't know how deep it is.
VII. Déshabille-toi lentement, mais, aussitôt déshabillé, entre dans l’eau.
VII. Undress slowly, but as soon as you're undressed, get into the water.
VIII. Jette-toi dans l’eau la tête la première; si tu ne sais pas plonger, immerge-toi un instant.
VIII. Dive into the water headfirst; if you don't know how to dive, just submerge yourself for a moment.
IX. Ne reste pas longtemps dans l’eau, à moins que tu ne sois d’un tempérament très fort.
IX. Don't stay in the water for too long, unless you have a very strong constitution.
X. Après le bain frictionne-toi, habille-toi promptement, et marche.
X. After the bath, dry yourself off, get dressed quickly, and walk.
The X Commandments of the Canting Crew.
The X Commandments of the Canting Crew.
Perhaps the most whimsical laws that were ever prescribed to a gang of thieves were those framed by William Holliday, one of the prigging community, who was hanged in 1695:—
Perhaps the most bizarre laws ever set for a group of thieves were those created by William Holliday, a member of the stealing community, who was hanged in 1695:—
I. That none of his company should presume to wear shirts, upon pain of being cashiered.
I. That none of his crew should dare to wear shirts, or face being dismissed.
II. That none should lie in any other places than stables, empty houses, or other bulks.
II. No one should stay anywhere except in stables, empty houses, or other storage areas.
III. That they should eat nothing but what they begged, and that they should give away all the money they got by cleaning boots among one another, for the good of the fraternity.
III. They should only eat what they begged for and give away all the money they made from cleaning each other's boots, for the benefit of the group.
IV. That they should neither learn to read nor write, that he may have them the better under command.
IV. That they should neither learn to read nor write, so he can have better control over them.
V. That they should appear every morning by nine on the parade, to receive necessary orders.
V. They should show up every morning by nine on the parade to get important instructions.
VI. That none should presume to follow the scent but such as he ordered on that party.
VI. No one should attempt to follow the scent except for those he designated for that group.
VII. That if any one gave them shoes or stockings, he should convert them into money to play.
VII. If anyone gave them shoes or stockings, they should sell them for money to use for playing.
VIII. That they should steal nothing they could not come at, for fear of bringing a scandal upon the company.
VIII. They shouldn't steal anything they couldn't easily get, to avoid bringing shame on the group.
IX. That they should not endeavour to clear themselves of vermin, by killing or catching them.
IX. They should not try to get rid of pests by killing or trapping them.
X. That they should cant better than the Newgate birds, pick pockets without bungling, outlie a Quaker, outswear a lord at a gaming-table, and brazen out all their villanies beyond an Irishman.
X. That they should talk better than the thieves in Newgate, steal without messing up, lie better than a Quaker, swear more convincingly than a lord at a gaming table, and boldly carry on with all their misdeeds beyond even an Irishman.
These rules have their counterpart amongst French thieves, whose “Commandements” will be found in Professor Barrère’s Argot and Slang.
These rules have a similar version among French thieves, whose "Commandements" can be found in Professor Barrère’s Argot and Slang.
Ten Commandments to be Observed by all the People of Great Britain.
Ten Commandments Everyone in Great Britain Should Follow.
After the Passing of the Allopathic Trades Union Medical Bill, of 1877,
After the Passing of the Allopathic Trades Union Medical Bill, of 1877,
1st. I am thy Family Doctor, duly appointed by the state. I brought thee into this world of sorrow, and so long as thou livest, to thee, in matters medical, it must be a land of bondage.
1st. I am your Family Doctor, officially appointed by the state. I brought you into this world of sorrow, and as long as you live, in medical matters, it must be a land of bondage for you.
2nd. Thou shalt have none other Doctor but me.
2nd. You shall have no other Doctor but me.
3rd. Thou shalt not make for thyself any medicine; nor gather any herbs that grow upon the earth, nor in the waters about the earth; thou shalt not use anything, however simple, in treating disease: for I, thy Doctor, am a very jealous man, and for any infraction of this, thy duty, I will visit thy transgression with pains and penalties; yea, I will incarcerate thee into a prison, and so punish for thy doings, those dependent upon thee. And if thou wilt blindly follow my advice, and pay obedience to me, I will promise thee, when ill, that I will bleed, blister, and salivate thee at my pleasure; and so reward thee with a ruined constitution, to drag out a miserable existence for the remainder of thy days.
3rd. You shall not create any medicine for yourself; nor gather any herbs that grow on the earth or in the waters; you shall not use anything, no matter how simple, to treat illness: for I, your Doctor, am a very jealous man, and for any violation of this duty, I will punish you with pain and penalties; indeed, I will imprison you and hold responsible those who depend on you for your actions. And if you blindly follow my advice and obey me, I promise you that when you're ill, I will bleed, blister, and salivate you at my discretion; and in return, I'll reward you with a ruined constitution, forcing you to live a miserable life for the rest of your days.
4th. Thou shalt not speak lightly of my name, for I am protected by law; and the law will not hold him guiltless that interferes in any way with me.
4th. You must not speak disrespectfully of my name, because I am protected by law; and the law will not consider anyone innocent who interferes with me in any way.
5th. Remember that thou prayest for my welfare when attending thy church on the sabbath day. Six days shalt thou labour to prostrate thy body and work for my fees; but the seventh day is the sabbath, and on that day thou must do nothing towards restoring or improving thy health, or thy wife’s health, or thy children’s health, or above all, thy neighbour’s health; nor must thou think about it, it is something that does not concern thee, I claim that as my special privilege—state protected. I am all powerful in these matters, and as such must be respected.
5th. Remember that you pray for my well-being when you attend your church on Sunday. You should work hard for six days to earn money for my fees; but on the seventh day, which is the Sabbath, you must do nothing to restore or improve your health, your wife's health, your children's health, or, above all, your neighbor's health. You shouldn’t even think about it; it's not your concern—I claim that as my special privilege and it’s protected by the law. I am all-powerful in these matters, and I must be respected.
6th. Honour thy Doctor more than anyone else, for I claim thee, body and soul, whilst residing in England, the land of thy birth.
6th. Honor your Doctor more than anyone else, for I claim you, body and soul, while living in England, the land of your birth.
7th. Thou shalt not think for thyself.
7th. You shall not think for yourself.
8th. Thou art an Englishman, and the law hath handed thee over to my tender keeping.
8th. You are an Englishman, and the law has entrusted you to my care.
9th. Thou shalt never be a Doctor.
9th. You shall never be a Doctor.
10th. Thou shalt not tell thy neighbour of any remedy that will do him good, for I shall watch thy doings jealously. Thou shalt never covet the position of a medical adviser. If thou seest thy neighbour suffering, or his wife suffering, or any of his children suffering and thou art in possession of any remedy that will do them good, thou shalt not advise, nor use it; for I, thy Doctor, state protected, am always watchful, to visit upon thee pains and penalties for any infraction of these my commandments.
10th. You must not share any remedies that could help your neighbor, because I will be watching your actions closely. You should never desire to be a medical advisor. If you see your neighbor, his wife, or any of his children in pain and you have a remedy that could help them, you must not offer advice or use it; for I, your Doctor, am always alert to impose consequences for any violations of these rules.
These lines were published in Paris, in 1867, when a new and stringent law considerably curtailed the liberty of the French press. The main idea contained in this epigram is borrowed from Beaumarchais:—
These lines were published in Paris in 1867, when a new and strict law greatly limited the freedom of the French press. The main idea in this epigram comes from Beaumarchais:—
“On me dit que, pendant ma retraite économique, il s’est établi dans Madrid un système de liberté sur la vente des productions, qui s’étend meme à celles de la presse; et que, pourvu que je ne parle en mes écrits ni de l’autorité, ni du culte, ni de la politique, ni de la morale, ni des gens en place, ni des corps en crédit, ni de l’Opéra, ni des autres spectacles, ni de personne qui tienne à quelque chose, je puis tout imprimer librement, sous l’inspection de deux ou trois censeurs.”
“I'm told that during my economic retreat, a system of freedom regarding the sale of productions has been established in Madrid, which even extends to those of the press; and that as long as I don't mention authority, religion, politics, morality, people in power, influential groups, the Opera, or any other performances, or anyone who is tied to anything in my writings, I can print anything freely, under the supervision of a couple of censors.”
Le Mariage de Figaro. Acte. v. Sc. iii.
Le Mariage de Figaro. Act. v. Sc. iii.
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Contemporary with Mr. William Hone was a printer and publisher, named Richard Carlile, who, in 1817, had a shop at 183, Fleet Street, London.
Contemporary with Mr. William Hone was a printer and publisher named Richard Carlile, who, in 1817, had a shop at 183 Fleet Street, London.
He dealt largely in similar publications to those sold by Hone, and indeed reprinted the very parodies for publishing which Hone had been tried and acquitted. Like Hone, too, he was prosecuted by the Government of the day, and in October, 1819, was sentenced to three years’ imprisonment and to pay fines of £1,000 and £500 respectively, for publishing Paine’s “Age of Reason” and Palmer’s “Principles of Nature.” As he would not, or could not, pay these heavy fines, he was kept in prison until 1825.
He primarily sold similar publications to those offered by Hone and even reprinted the exact parodies for which Hone was tried and found not guilty. Like Hone, he was also prosecuted by the government at the time, and in October 1819, he was sentenced to three years in prison and fined £1,000 and £500 respectively for publishing Paine’s “Age of Reason” and Palmer’s “Principles of Nature.” Because he refused or couldn’t pay these steep fines, he remained in prison until 1825.
Carlile republished Wat Tyler, a work which had been written by Robert Southey, when an ardent young Republican, but which, when he became Poet Laureate, and a pensioner of the Tory Government, he was very anxious should be forgotten. Southey endeavoured to prohibit the republication, but to no purpose, and over twenty-five thousand copies of the work were sold. Carlile also edited The Republican, The Lion, The Gauntlet, The Christian Warrior, and other publications. He was born at Ashburton in 1790, and died in 1843; his body, after having been dissected at St. Thomas’s Hospital at his own request, was buried in Kensal Green Cemetery.
Carlile republished Wat Tyler, a work originally written by Robert Southey when he was a passionate young Republican, but which he wanted to be forgotten after he became Poet Laureate and a supporter of the Tory Government. Southey tried to stop the republication, but it was unsuccessful, and over twenty-five thousand copies were sold. Carlile also edited The Republican, The Lion, The Gauntlet, The Christian Warrior, and other publications. He was born in Ashburton in 1790 and died in 1843; his body, after being dissected at St. Thomas’s Hospital at his own request, was buried in Kensal Green Cemetery.
Even those who agreed with Carlile’s very advanced theories were compelled to admit that he was a most eccentric individual, and his publications are decidedly inferior in literary merit to those issued by Hone. One of these was entitled The Bullet Te Deum with the Canticle of the Stone, 1817, a political parody of “Te Deum Laudamus.” He published another two-penny political pamphlet (ascribed to Professor Porson), called “A New Catechism for the use of the Swinish Multitude. Necessary to be had in all Sties.” This was written partly in answer to Burke’s celebrated essay on the Sublime and the Beautiful. But of all Carlile’s political parodies probably the following was the best. It was entitled—
Even those who agreed with Carlile's very progressive theories had to admit that he was quite an eccentric person, and his writings are definitely not as good in literary quality as those published by Hone. One of these was called The Bullet Te Deum with the Canticle of the Stone, 1817, a political parody of “Te Deum Laudamus.” He also published another two-penny political pamphlet (attributed to Professor Porson), titled “A New Catechism for the use of the Swinish Multitude. Necessary to be had in all Sties.” This was written partly as a response to Burke’s famous essay on the Sublime and the Beautiful. But of all Carlile’s political parodies, probably the best was the following. It was titled—
The Order for the
The Order for the
Administration of the Loaves and Fishes; or,
Administering the Loaves and Fishes; or,
The Communion of Corruption’s Host;
The Corruption Communion's Gathering;
Diligently corrected and revised.
Carefully edited and updated.
Commanded to be read at the Treasury the day preceding all Cabinet Dinners.
Commanded to be read at the Treasury the day before all Cabinet Dinners.
The Order, &c. &c.
The Order, etc. etc.
¶ So many as intend to be partakers of the Loaves and Fishes, shall signify their names to the Chief Minister, at least some days before the meeting of Parliament.
¶ Anyone who wants to participate in the Breads and Fish should give their names to the Chief Minister at least a few days before the meeting of Parliament.
¶ And if any one of these be an open hearted and upright character, or have not done any wrong to the people, by word or deed, so that he be not like unto the Host of Corruption; the Minister having knowledge thereof, shall call him, and advertise him, that in anywise he presume not to be a partaker of the Loaves and Fishes, until he hath openly declared himself to have truly repented and amended his former naughty life, that Corruption’s Host may thereby be satisfied, which before were offended; and that he hath recompensed the parties, by declaring himself to be in readiness so to do, as soon as he conveniently may.
¶ If anyone has a genuine and upright character and hasn’t wronged the people in word or action, so they aren’t like the Corruption Host, the Minister, being aware of this, should notify them not to partake in the Breads and Fish until they openly express their true repentance and improve their previous misbehavior. This is necessary to satisfy the Corruption Central who was previously offended. They must also compensate those affected by stating their readiness to do so as soon as they can.
¶ The same order shall the Minister use with those betwixt whom he perceiveth malice and hatred to reign; not suffering them to be partakers of the Loaves and Fishes, until he know them to be reconciled. And if one of the parties so at variance be content to forgive, from the bottom of his heart, all that the other hath trespassed against him, and to make amends for that he himself hath offended; and the other party will not be persuaded to a Ministerial unity, but remain still in frowardness and the Opposition: The Minister, in that case, ought to admit the penitent person to a share of the plunder, and not him that is obstinate. Provided that every Minister so repelling any, as is specified in this or the next paragraph of this Rubrick, shall be obliged to give an account of the same to the Cabinet, within fourteen days after, at the farthest. And the Cabinet shall prevent the offending person from receiving either Sinecure, Pension, or Place of Profit.
¶ The Minister should apply the same rules to those between whom he sees malice and hatred; they should not be allowed to partake in the Breads and Fish until he knows they are reconciled. If one party is willing to truly forgive all the wrongs the other has done to him and to make amends for any offenses he himself has committed, but the other party refuses to come to a united agreement and continues to be defiant and oppositional: In this case, the Minister should allow the repentant person to have a share of the blessings, not the stubborn one. Furthermore, every Minister who denies someone as specified in this or the next paragraph of this Rubric must report the incident to the Cabinet within fourteen days at the latest. The Cabinet shall ensure that the offending person does not receive any No-show job, Retirement fund, or Profit Center.
¶ The Table at the Cabinet dinner having a fair white damask cloth upon it, shall be covered with every luxury 31 the earth produceth, and all Members to be there invited that shall accede to the foregoing rules, at least seven days before the opening of Parliament, there to hear repeated the Regent’s Speech, and Address thereon, and to rehearse the debates that shall be made on the said Speech and Address, also to be well acquainted with the amendment that shall be proposed by Corruption’s best allies, the Whigs. Dinner being over, the Minister at the head of the table shall first repeat the Regent’s speech as followeth:—
¶ The table at the Cabinet dinner, covered with a nice white damask cloth, will be filled with every luxury the earth can provide. All members invited must agree to the rules set out at least seven days before Parliament opens, so they can listen to the Regent’s Speech and the Address related to it. They will also discuss the debates that arise from the Speech and Address and become familiar with the amendments proposed by Corruption’s best allies, the Whigs. After dinner, the Minister at the head of the table will first repeat the Regent’s speech as follows:—
We lament that our Father[347] is still secluded, hallowed be thy name, Our kingdom come, our will be done in France and Ireland, as it is in Great Britain. Give us this year, our women and wine, and forgive us our debts, that we may be enabled to satisfy those to whom we are indebted. And lead us not into danger, but deliver us from the disaffected. Amen.
We mourn that our Father[347] is still hidden, hallowed be your name. May our kingdom come, and may our will be done in France and Ireland, just like it is in Great Britain. Give us this year, our women and wine, and forgive us our debts so we can repay those we owe. And keep us out of danger, but save us from the dissenters. Amen.
The Address.
The Address.
High and mighty Prince, unto whom our hearts are open, our desires known, and from whom our secrets are not hid, gratify the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of thy goodly Places and Pensions, that we may perfectly love thee, and worthily magnify thy name; through the mediation of Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.
High and mighty Prince, to whom our hearts are open, our desires are known, and from whom our secrets are not hidden, please satisfy the thoughts of our hearts through the inspiration of your generous support and benefits, so that we may truly love you and honor your name; through the mediation of Castlereagh, our Chief. Amen.
¶ Then shall the Minister, turning to the Host, rehearse distinctly, all the Ten Commandments; and the Host, sitting open-mouthed, shall, after every Commandment, ask the Prince mercy for their transgressions thereof for the time past, and a Pension to keep the same for the time to come, as followeth:
¶ Then the Minister, facing the Host, shall clearly recite all the Ten Commandments; and the Host, sitting in amazement, shall, after each Commandment, plead with the Prince for forgiveness for their past mistakes and request support to uphold the same in the future, as follows:
Minister. The Prince spake these words, and said; I am the Prince thy Ruler: thou shall seek no other Prince but me.
Minister. The Prince said these words: I am your ruler, the Prince; you shall seek no other Prince but me.
Host. O Ministers, place a Pension upon us, that will incline our hearts to keep this law.
Host. O Ministers, grant us a Pension that will motivate our hearts to follow this law.
Minister. Thou shalt not make to thyself any graven image of Bonaparte, nor a caricature likeness of any thing belonging to the Court or its Minions. Thou shalt not express pleasure at seeing them in the houses of others; for I the Prince thy Ruler am a jealous Prince, and intend to protract the wretchedness of the Fathers upon the Children, unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me, and to extend sinecure-offices and pensions unto thousands in them that love me, and keep my commandments.
Minister. You must not create any carved image of Bonaparte, nor a cartoonish likeness of anything related to the Court or its followers. You must not show enjoyment at seeing them in other people's homes; for I, your Prince and Ruler, am a jealous Prince, and I plan to prolong the misery of the Fathers onto the Children, to the third and fourth generation of those who despise me, and to grant comfortable positions and pensions to thousands among those who love me and follow my commands.
Host. O Ministers, be lavish upon us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.
Host. O Ministers, be generous to us, and guide our hearts to follow this law.
Minister. Thou shalt not expose the name or character of the Prince thy Ruler to contempt, for the Prince will not hold him guiltless, that speaketh disrespectfully of him.
Minister. You must not bring shame or disrespect upon the name or character of your Prince, because the Prince will not let anyone go unpunished who speaks about him disrespectfully.
Host. O Ministers procure us a title, to incline our hearts to keep this law.
Host. Oh Ministers, help us find a reason to motivate our hearts to follow this law.
Minister. Remember that thou attend the division; at all other times thou mayst be absent, and do that thou hast to do, but to be in the division is thy duty to the Prince. In it thou shalt do as the Minister doth, for his majority compensates for his want of ability, and enableth him to create, or destroy; to suspend the laws, or enact new ones; to keep a large Army to stifle the cries of the hungry, to use the bayonet, instead of granting Reform; wherefore the Minister blesseth the majority and sanctifieth it.
Minister. Remember to attend the division; at all other times you can be absent and take care of your own tasks, but being present in the division is your duty to the Prince. In the division, you should act as the Minister does, as his majority makes up for his lack of skill, allowing him to create or destroy; to suspend laws or put new ones into effect; to maintain a large Army to silence the cries of the hungry, to use force instead of providing Reform; therefore, the Minister supports the majority and endorses it.
Host. O Ministers withhold not our Pensions, but incline our hearts to keep this law.
Host. O Ministers, don’t hold back our Pensions, but inspire our hearts to follow this law.
Minister. Honour the Regent and Lord Castlereagh, that thy seat may be long in the Parliament, which the Boroughmonger hath sold to thee.
Minister. Respect the Regent and Lord Castlereagh, so that your position in Parliament, which the Boroughmonger has sold to you, may last a long time.
Host. O Ministers bestow your gifts upon us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.
Host. O Ministers, please give us your blessings, and help us to commit to following this law.
Minister. Thou shalt not say that a Prince, or a Duke hath committed Murder.
Minister. You must not say that a Prince or a Duke has committed Murder.
Host. O ye Princes and Dukes be gracious unto us, and incline our hearts to set aside the law.
Host. O you Royals and Dukes, be kind to us, and open our hearts to overlook the law.
Minister. Thou shalt not say the Prince committeth adultery.
Minister. You must not say the Prince commits adultery.
Host. O Prince be gracious unto us, and incline our hearts to pervert the law.
Host. O Prince, please be kind to us and lead our hearts to twist the law.
Minister. Thou shalt not hesitate to procure false witnesses against those whom we fear.
Minister. You shouldn’t hesitate to get false witnesses against those we fear.
Host. O Ministers be mindful of us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.
Host. O Ministers, remember us, and open our hearts to follow this law.
Minister. Thou shalt not covet the company of Reformers, nor be found with them, nor consent to any of their ways, nor be with their wives or servants, or any thing that is theirs.
Minister. You shall not seek the company of Reformers, nor associate with them, nor agree to any of their practices, nor be with their wives or servants, or anything that belongs to them.
Host. O Minister by the continuance of our Places, our Pensions, and our Sinecures, write all these thy laws in our hearts we beseech thee.
Host. O Minister, by keeping our positions, our salaries, and our easy jobs, please write all these laws in our hearts, we ask you.
¶ Then shall follow the Collect for the Ministry belonging to the House of Lords.
¶ Next, the prayer for the Ministry related to the House of Lords will follow.
Let us Pray. Mighty Prince whose kingdom may not be lasting; whose power is finite; Have mercy upon the whole Host; and be so ruled by thy chosen servants, Liverpool, Sidmouth, Eldon, and their associates, that they (knowing whose Ministers they are) may above all things aggrandize themselves and dependents; and that we (duly considering under whose authority we are) may faithfully serve, honour, and humbly obey them, in view of, and hoping for farther benefits, according to thy word and ordinance; through Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.
Let us Pray. Mighty Prince whose kingdom may not last; whose power is limited; Have mercy on the whole Host; and guide your chosen servants, Liverpool, Sidmouth, Eldon, and their associates, so that they (recognizing who they serve) may focus on advancing themselves and those around them; and that we (properly aware of whose authority we are under) may faithfully serve, honor, and humbly obey them, with the hope for further benefits, according to your word and ordinance; through Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.
¶ A Collect for those of the Ministry of the House of Commons.
¶ A Prayer for the Members of the House of Commons.
Mighty and lasting Prince, we are taught by thy conduct that the hearts of Princes are at the disposal of their Ministers, and that thou dost dispose and turn thine as it seemeth best to their goodly wisdom: We humbly beseech thee so to continue thy condescension to Castlereagh, Vansittart, and their associates, that in all their thoughts, words and actions, they may ever seek their own honour and glory, and study to preserve us committed to their charge, in wealth, peace and goodliness: through Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.
Mighty and enduring Prince, your actions show us that the hearts of Princes are in the hands of their Ministers, and that you direct and manage yours as it seems best to their wise judgment: We humbly ask you to keep being gracious to Castlereagh, Vansittart, and their team, so that in everything they think, say, and do, they may always seek their own honor and glory, while working to protect us, who are entrusted to their care, in wealth, peace, and goodness: through Castlereagh, our Chief. Amen.
The Creed for the use of Corruption’s Host.
The Creed for the use of Corruption’s Host.
I believe in Lord Castlereagh, the supreme director of all our affairs, maker of treaties for all nations, for the benefit of none; and in the excellence of his features, fundamental and unfundamental.
I believe in Lord Castlereagh, the top guy in charge of everything we do, creator of treaties for all countries, for the benefit of no one; and in the quality of his traits, both essential and non-essential.
And in one George Canning, of doubtful origin, the tool and puppet of Lord Castlereagh, who, together with Lord Castlereagh, falling out about their share of the public plunder, went into a certain field to fight with swords and pistols, unfortunately without any intent to kill, who came out again without injury, to the great grief of all the People; who went on an embassy to the Court of Portugal, where there was no King, for the sole purpose of recovering the health of his son, at the expence of many thousands of pounds to the People: he rose again to the Cabinet, from whence he judgeth the Reformers; and his impudence shall have no end.
And in George Canning, whose origins are questionable, the tool and puppet of Lord Castlereagh, who, along with Lord Castlereagh, had a falling out over their share of the public riches, ended up in a certain field to duel with swords and pistols, unfortunately without any intention to kill, and who came out unscathed, to the great dismay of the people; he went on a mission to the Court of Portugal, where there was no King, solely to restore his son’s health, costing the people many thousands of pounds: he rose back to the Cabinet, from where he judges the Reformers; and his audacity knows no bounds.
And I believe in the Prince Regent, Lord and Giver of Places, who, together with the Ministers, we should worship and glorify, who speaketh by Proclamations, Commissioners, 31 and Green Bags; I believe in the stability of the funds, I look not for a remission of taxes, no, not till the Resurrection of the Dead. And I look not for a better Government in the world to come. Amen.
And I believe in the Prince Regent, Lord and Giver of Places, who, along with the Ministers, we should worship and glorify, who speaks through Proclamations, Commissioners, 31 and Green Bags; I believe in the stability of the funds, and I don’t expect a break on taxes, not even until the Resurrection of the Dead. And I don’t expect a better Government in the world to come. Amen.
Here endeth the Order for the Administration of the
Loaves and Fishes.
Here ends the Order for the Administration of the
Loaves and Fishes.
(London: R. Carlile, 1817.)
(London: R. Carlile, 1817.)
——:o:——
——:o:——
The Chronicles of the Kings of England: Written in the manner of the Ancient Jewish Historians. By Nathan Ben Saddi, a Priest of the Jews. London: Printed for T. Cooper at the Globe in Pater-noster Row. 1741.
The Chronicles of the Kings of England: Written in the style of Ancient Jewish Historians. By Nathan Ben Saddi, a Jewish Priest. London: Printed for T. Cooper at the Globe on Paternoster Row. 1741.
This is in two books, and concludes with the reign of George II:
This is in two books and concludes with the reign of George II:
“And George was forty and four years old when he began to reign, and behold the Sceptre continueth in his Hand, the Crown also is on his Head; and he sitteth on the Throne of his Majesty unto this Day.
“And George was forty-four years old when he started his reign, and look, the Scepter is still in his hand, the Crown is also on his head; and he sits on the Throne of his Majesty to this day.
And now behold these are the Names of the Kings of England, and these are their generations.
And now look, these are the names of the kings of England, and this is their lineage.
George the Second, who was the son of George the First, who was the cousin of Anne, who was the sister-in-law of William the Third, who was the son-in-law of James the Second, who was the brother of Charles the Second, who was the son of Charles the First, who was the son of James the First, who was the cousin of Elizabeth, who was the sister of Mary, who was the sister of Edward the Sixth, who was the son of Henry the Eighth, who was the son of Henry the Seventh, who was the cousin of Richard the Third, who was the uncle of Edward the Fifth, who was the son of Edward the Fourth, who was the cousin of Henry the Sixth, who was the son of Henry the Fifth, who was the son of Henry the Fourth, who was the cousin of Richard the Second, who was the grandson of Edward the Second, who was the son of Edward the First, who was the son of Henry the Third, who was the son of John, who was the brother of Richard the First, who was the son of Henry the Second, who was the cousin of Stephen, who was the cousin of Henry the First, who was the brother of William Rufus, who was the son of William the Conqueror, who was the son of a w——.”
George the Second, the son of George the First, who was the cousin of Anne, the sister-in-law of William the Third, who was the son-in-law of James the Second, who was the brother of Charles the Second, the son of Charles the First, the son of James the First, who was the cousin of Elizabeth, who was the sister of Mary, the sister of Edward the Sixth, the son of Henry the Eighth, the son of Henry the Seventh, the cousin of Richard the Third, the uncle of Edward the Fifth, the son of Edward the Fourth, the cousin of Henry the Sixth, the son of Henry the Fifth, the son of Henry the Fourth, the cousin of Richard the Second, the grandson of Edward the Second, the son of Edward the First, the son of Henry the Third, the son of John, the brother of Richard the First, the son of Henry the Second, the cousin of Stephen, the cousin of Henry the First, the brother of William Rufus, the son of William the Conqueror, the son of a w——.
The Chronicle of the Kings of England, from William the Norman to the Death of George III. Written after the manner of the Jewish Historians: with Notes explanatory and illustrative. London: J. Fairburn, 1821.
The Chronicle of the Kings of England, from William the Norman to the Death of George III. Written in the style of Jewish historians: with explanatory and illustrative notes. London: J. Fairburn, 1821.
This is an amplified re-issue of the preceding work, with notes, and repeating the genealogical table so as to include the name of George III. This edition of The Chronicles of the Kings should have a large folding perspective chronology of the Reign of George the Third, which is frequently wanting.
This is an expanded re-release of the earlier work, with notes, and it includes the genealogical table to add the name of George III. This edition of The Chronicles of the Kings should have a large folding timeline of the Reign of George the Third, which is often missing.
The following is an extract from this work, describing the reigns of Elizabeth and James:
The following is an excerpt from this work, describing the reigns of Elizabeth and James:
“Now Elizabeth was twenty and five years old when she began to reign, and she reigned over England forty and four years, four months, and seven days, and her mother’s name was Anna Bullen. And she choose unto herself wise and able ministers, and governed her kingdom with power and great glory.
“Now Elizabeth was twenty-five years old when she began to reign, and she ruled over England for forty-four years, four months, and seven days, and her mother’s name was Anne Boleyn. She chose wise and capable ministers and governed her kingdom with strength and great glory.”
“The sea also was subject unto her, and she reigned on the ocean with a mighty hand.
“The sea was also under her control, and she ruled over the ocean with a powerful grip.”
“Her admirals compassed the world about, and brought her home treasures from the uttermost parts of the earth.
“Her admirals sailed around the world and brought her back treasures from the farthest corners of the earth.
“The glory of England she advanced to its height, and all the princes of the earth sought her love; her love was fixed on the happiness of her people, and would not be divided. The era of learning was also in her reign, and the genius of wit shone bright in the land. Spencer and Shakespeare, Verulam and Sidney, Raleigh and Drake adorned the court, and made her reign immortal. And woe unto you Spaniards, woe unto you, you haughty usurpers of the American seas for at the light’ning of her eyes ye were destroyed, and at the breath of her mouth ye were scattered abroad; she came unto your armada as a whirlwind, and as a tempest of thunder she overwhelmed you in the sea.
“The glory of England reached its peak, and all the rulers of the world sought her affection; her love was dedicated to the happiness of her people and wouldn’t be shared. The age of learning also flourished during her reign, and the brilliance of intellect lit up the land. Spenser and Shakespeare, Bacon and Sidney, Raleigh and Drake graced the court and made her reign unforgettable. And woe to you, Spaniards, woe to you, arrogant usurpers of the American seas, for at the flash of her eyes you were destroyed, and at the breath of her mouth you were scattered; she came upon your armada like a whirlwind, and like a storm of thunder, she overwhelmed you in the sea.”
“Wisdom and strength were in her right hand, and in her left were glory and wealth.
“Wisdom and strength were in her right hand, and in her left were glory and wealth.”
“She spake, and it was war; she waved her hand, and the nations dwelt in peace.
"She spoke, and it was war; she waved her hand, and the nations lived in peace."
“Her Ministers were just, and her counsellers were sage; her captains were bold, and her maids of honour ate beefsteaks for their breakfast.
“Her ministers were fair, and her advisors were wise; her captains were daring, and her ladies-in-waiting had beefsteaks for breakfast.”
“And Elizabeth slept with her fathers, and she was a virgin. She was buried in the chapel of King Henry VII., and James of Scotland reigned in her stead.
“And Elizabeth slept with her ancestors, and she remained a virgin. She was buried in the chapel of King Henry VII., and James of Scotland took her place on the throne."
“And Jamie thought himself a bonny King, and a mickle wise mon, howbeit, he was a fool and a pedant.
“And Jamie considered himself a handsome King and a really smart guy, but in reality, he was a fool and a know-it-all."
“But the spirit of flattery went forth in the land, and the great men and the bishops offered incense unto him, saying, O most sacred King! thou art wiser than the children of men; thou speakest by the spirit of God; there has been none equal to thee before thee; neither will any rise after thee like unto thee.
“But the spirit of flattery spread across the land, and the great men and the bishops offered praise to him, saying, O most sacred King! you are wiser than the children of men; you speak with the spirit of God; there has been none like you before you; nor will anyone arise after you like you.”
“Thus they abused him daily with lying and fulsome adulation; and the ear of James was tickled therewith, and he was puffed up and thought himself wise; whereupon he began to dispute with the doctors, and to decide controversies, and to write books, and the world was undeceived.
“Thus they insulted him every day with lies and excessive praise; and James enjoyed it, feeling flattered and thinking he was clever; as a result, he started arguing with the scholars, settling disputes, and writing books, and the world saw through the deception.”
——:o:——
——:o:——
An Election Placard.
An Election Sign.
In favour of Charles James Fox, Westminster, 1784.
In support of Charles James Fox, Westminster, 1784.
The first Chapter of the Times.
The first Chapter of the Times.
1. And it came to pass that there were great dissensions in the West, amongst the rulers of the Nation.
1. And then there were huge disagreements in the West among the leaders of the Nation.
2. And the counsellors of the back stairs said, Let us take advantage and yoke the people even as oxen, and rule them with a rod of iron.
2. And the advisors from the back stairs said, Let's take the opportunity and treat the people like oxen, and control them with an iron fist.
3. And let us break up the Assembly of Privileges, and get a new one of Prerogatives; and let us hire false prophets to deceive the people. And they did so.
3. And let’s dissolve the Assembly of Privileges and create a new one focused on Prerogatives; and let’s hire false prophets to mislead the people. And they did that.
4. Then Judas Iscariot went among the citizens, saying, “Choose me one of your Elders, and I will tax your innocent damsels, and I will take the bread from the helpless, lame and blind.
4. Then Judas Iscariot went among the people, saying, “Choose one of your Elders, and I will tax your innocent young women, and I will take the bread from the helpless, disabled, and blind.
5. “And with the scrip which will arise, we will eat, drink, and be merry.”
5. “And with the resources that will come, we will eat, drink, and be happy.”
Then he brought forth the roll of sheepskin, and came unto the ginshops, cellars, and bye places, and said, “Sign your names,” and many made their marks.
Then he brought out the sheepskin scroll and went to the bars, basements, and back alleys, saying, “Sign your names,” and many made their marks.
6. Now it came to pass, that the time being come when the people choose their elders, that they assembled together at the hustings, nigh unto the Place of Cabbages.[348]
6. Now it happened that the time had come for the people to choose their leaders, so they gathered together at the polling place, close to the Place of Cabbages.[348]
7. And Judas[349] lifted up his prerogative phiz, and said “Choose me, choose me.” But the people said, “Satan, avaunt! thou wicked Judas! hast thou not deceived thy best friend? Would’st thou deceive us also? Get thee behind us, thou unclean Spirit!”
7. And Judas[349] raised his face and said, “Pick me, pick me.” But the people replied, “Go away, Satan! You evil Judas! Haven’t you already betrayed your best friend? Would you deceive us too? Get behind us, you unclean Spirit!”
8. We will have the man who ever has and will support our cause, and maintain our rights, who stands forth to us, and who will never be guided by Secret Influence!
8. We will have the person who has always supported our cause, defended our rights, who steps up for us, and who will never be swayed by Secret Influence!
10. Then they caused the trumpets to be sounded, as at the feast of the full moon, and sang, “Long live Fox, may our champion live for ever! Amen!”
10. Then they had the trumpets blown, like at the full moon festival, and sang, “Long live Fox, may our champion live forever! Amen!”
In Blackwood’s Edinburgh Magazine for October, 1817, there appeared an article entitled “Translation of an ancient Chaldee Manuscript,” it commenced on page 89, and ended at the foot of page 96. It was written in Biblical phraseology and was divided into four chapters, each of which was subdivided into verses. The parody was made on a certain chapter of Ezekiel, and was introduced by a preface, stating that it was a translation of a Chaldee manuscript preserved in a great library at Paris.
In Blackwood’s Edinburgh Magazine for October, 1817, there was an article titled “Translation of an Ancient Chaldee Manuscript.” It started on page 89 and wrapped up at the bottom of page 96. The writing used biblical language and was split into four chapters, each further divided into verses. The parody was based on a specific chapter from Ezekiel and included a preface that claimed it was a translation of a Chaldee manuscript kept in a major library in Paris.
Professor Ferrier, in a Notice appended to Christopher North’s Nodes Ambrosianae, says “this trenchant satire on men and things in the metropolis of Scotland, excited the most indescribable commotion at the time—so much noise, indeed, that never since has it been permitted to make any noise whatever, having been pitilessly suppressed in consequence of threatened legal proceedings.” But some prosecutions were nevertheless commenced, and one was referred to the private decision of a Scotch judge, who, it is said, convicted the Publisher, and fined him two hundred and thirty pounds, for a foul and indecent libel.
Professor Ferrier, in a notice added to Christopher North’s Nodes Ambrosianae, states, “this sharp satire on people and things in Scotland’s capital created an indescribable uproar at the time—so much noise, in fact, that it has never been allowed to make any noise since, having been mercilessly suppressed due to threats of legal action.” However, some prosecutions were still initiated, and one was brought to the private judgment of a Scottish judge, who supposedly found the Publisher guilty and fined him two hundred and thirty pounds for a vile and indecent libel.
The November number, 1817, of Blackwood’s Magazine contained the following:—
The November issue of 1817 of Blackwood’s Magazine contained the following:—
Note from the Editor.
Editor's Note.
“The Editor has learned with regret, that an article in the First Edition of last Number, which was intended merely as a jeu d’esprit, has been construed so as to give offence to individuals justly entitled to respect and regard; he has on that account withdrawn it in the Second Edition, and can only add, that if what has happened could have been anticipated, the article in question certainly never would have appeared.
“The Editor has learned with regret that an article in the First Edition of the last issue, which was meant simply as a jeu d’esprit, has been interpreted in a way that offends individuals who are rightly deserving of respect and consideration; because of this, he has removed it in the Second Edition, and can only say that if he had anticipated what would happen, the article in question definitely would not have been published.”
With the December Number will be given eight pages, to supply the deficiency occasioned by the omission of the article, Translation from an Ancient Chaldee Manuscript.”
With the December issue, eight pages will be included to make up for the absence of the article, Translation from an Ancient Chaldee Manuscript.
It has been recently ascertained that the original conception of this Chaldee M.S. was due to James Hogg, who wrote part of it, the remainder of the production being the work of Christopher North, and Lockhart.
It has recently been confirmed that the original idea behind this Chaldee manuscript came from James Hogg, who wrote part of it, while the rest was created by Christopher North and Lockhart.
A set of the magazine containing this parody is now rarely to be met with.
A copy of the magazine with this parody is now rarely found.
Professor Ferrier considers that people of the present day would be greatly amused by what he calls this delicious jeu d’esprit. Perhaps a few Scotchmen intimately acquainted with the Edinburgh literature and society of seventy years ago might be, but to the majority of readers the Chaldee Manuscript would appear dull, tedious, and uninteresting, otherwise it would have been inserted in this chapter.
Professor Ferrier believes that people today would find what he calls this delightful jeu d’esprit quite entertaining. Maybe a few Scots who are familiar with the Edinburgh literature and society from seventy years ago might enjoy it, but for most readers, the Chaldee Manuscript would seem boring, tedious, and uninteresting; otherwise, it would have been included in this chapter.
In the works of Father Prout (Rev. Francis Mahony) the following passage occurs with reference to the Comte de Buffon:—“Having predetermined not to leave Moses a leg to stand on, he sweeps away at one stroke of his pen the foundations of Genesis, and reconstructs this terraqueous planet on a new patent principle. I have been at some pains to acquire a comprehensive notion of his system, and aided by an old Jesuit, I have succeeded in condensing the voluminous dissertation into, a few lines, for the use of those who are dissatisfied with the Mosaic statement, particularly the professors at the school in Gower Street:—”
In the works of Father Prout (Rev. Francis Mahony), the following passage appears regarding the Comte de Buffon: “Having decided not to leave Moses with any credibility, he completely dismantles the foundations of Genesis and reimagines this earth on a new, innovative principle. I’ve put in some effort to understand his system, and with the support of an old Jesuit, I've managed to condense the extensive discussion into a few lines for those who are unhappy with the Mosaic account, especially the professors at the school in Gower Street:—”
1. In the beginning was the sun, from which a splinter was shot off by chance, and that fragment was our globe.
1. In the beginning, there was the sun, and by chance, a piece broke off, which became our planet.
2. And the globe had for its nucleus melted glass, with an envelope of hot water.
2. And the globe had melted glass at its core, surrounded by a layer of hot water.
3. And it begun to twirl round, and became somewhat flattened at the poles.
3. And it started to spin around and became a little flattened at the poles.
4. Now, when the water grew cool, insects began to appear, and shell-fish.
4. Now, as the water became cooler, insects and shellfish started to show up.
5. And from the accumulation of shells, particularly oysters (tom. i. 4to. edit. p. 14), the earth was gradually formed, with ridges of mountains, on the principle of the Monte Testacio at the gate of Rome.
5. From the buildup of shells, especially oysters (tom. i. 4to. edit. p. 14), the earth was slowly shaped, creating mountain ridges, similar to the Monte Testacio at the entrance of Rome.
6. But the melted glass kept warm for a long time, and the arctic climate was as hot in those days as the tropics now are: witness a frozen rhinoceros found in Siberia, &c. &c. &c.
6. But the melted glass stayed warm for a long time, and the arctic climate back then was as hot as the tropics are today: just look at the frozen rhinoceros found in Siberia, etc. etc. etc.
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THE BIBLE OF THE FUTURE.
THE FUTURE'S BIBLE.
The following specimen of what is to be the Bible of the future is published by an American paper:—
The following example of what will be the Bible of the future is published by an American paper:—
Genesis.—Chapter 1.
Genesis.—Chapter 1.
1. Primarily the Unknowable moved upon cosmos, and evolved protoplasm.
1. Mainly, the Unknowable influenced the universe and developed protoplasm.
2. And protoplasm was inorganic and undifferentiated, containing all things in potential energy; and a spirit of evolution moved upon the fluid mass.
2. And protoplasm was inorganic and undifferentiated, containing everything in potential energy; and a spirit of evolution moved over the fluid mass.
3. And the Unknowable said, Let atoms attract; and their contact begat light, heat, and electricity.
3. And the Unknown said, Let atoms come together; and their interaction created light, heat, and electricity.
4. And the Unconditioned differentiated the atoms, each after its kind; and their combinations begat rock, air, and water.
4. And the Unconditioned separated the atoms, each according to its type; and their combinations created rock, air, and water.
5. And there went out a spirit of evolution from the Unconditioned, and working in protoplasm, by accretion and absorption, produced the organic cell.
5. And a spirit of evolution emerged from the Unconditioned, and by working with protoplasm through accretion and absorption, created the organic cell.
6. And cell by nutrition evolved primordial germ, and germ developed protogene, and protegene begat eozoon, and eozoon begat monad, and monad begat animalcule.
6. And cells, through nutrition, evolved primordial germs, and germs developed into protogenes, and protogenes gave rise to eozoons, and eozoons produced monads, and monads led to animalcules.
7. And animalcule begat ephemera; then began creeping things to multiply on the face of the earth.
7. And tiny creatures gave rise to fleeting insects; then began crawling things to multiply across the earth.
8. And earthy atom in vegetable protoplasm begat the molecule, and thence came all grass, and every herb in the earth.
8. And an earthly atom in plant protoplasm created the molecule, and from that came all grass and every herb on earth.
9. And animacule in the water evolved fins, tails, claws, and scales; and in the air wings and beaks; and on the land they sprouted such organs as were necessary as played upon by the environment.
9. And a tiny creature in the water developed fins, tails, claws, and scales; and in the air it grew wings and beaks; and on land it developed the organs that were needed according to the environment.
10. And by accretion and absorption came the radiata and mollusca; and mollusca begat articulata, and articulata begat vertebrata.
10. And through gradual growth and assimilation came the radiates and mollusks; and mollusks gave rise to segmented animals, and segmented animals gave rise to vertebrates.
11. Now these are the generations of the higher vertebrata, in the cosmic period that the Unknowable evoluted the bipedal mammalia.
11. Now these are the generations of the higher vertebrates, in the cosmic period when the Unknowable evolved the bipedal mammals.
12. And every man of the earth, while he was yet a monkey, and the horse while he was an hipparian, and the hipparian before he was an oredon.
12. And every person on Earth, while they were still a monkey, and the horse while it was an ancient horse, and the ancient horse before it was a different type of horse.
13. Out of the ascidian came the amphibian, and begat the pentadactyle; and the pentadactyle, by inheritance and selection, produced the hylobate, from which are the simiadæ in all their tribes.
13. From the ascidian came the amphibian, which led to the pentadactyl; and the pentadactyl, through inheritance and selection, gave rise to the hylobate, from which all the simians originated.
14. And out of the simiadæ the lemur prevailed above his fellows, and produced the platyrhine monkey.
14. And among the simians, the lemur stood out from the others and gave rise to the flat-nosed monkey.
15. And the platyrhine begat the catarrhine, and the catarrhine monkey begat the anthropoid ape, and the ape begat the longimanous orang, and the orang begat the chimpanzee, and the chimpanzee evoluted the what-is-it.
15. And the flat-nosed ones gave rise to the downward-nosed ones, and the downward-nosed monkey gave rise to the anthropoid ape, and the ape gave rise to the long-armed orangutan, and the orangutan gave rise to the chimpanzee, and the chimpanzee evolved into the what-is-it.
16. And the what-is-it went into the land of Nod, and took him a wife of the longimanus gibbons.
16. And the what-is-it went into the land of Nod, and took him a wife of the longimanus gibbons.
18. The homunculus, the prognathus, the troglodyte, the autochthon, the terragene—these are the generations of primeval man.
18. The homunculus, the prognathus, the troglodyte, the autochthon, the terragene—these are the ancestors of early humans.
19. And primeval man was naked and not ashamed, but lived in quadrumanous innocence, and struggled mightily to harmonise with the environment.
19. And early humans were naked and not ashamed, living with a simple innocence and working hard to connect with their surroundings.
20. And by inheritance and natural selection did he progress from the stable and homogeneous to the complex and heterogeneous—for the weakest died, and the strongest grew and multiplied.
20. Through inheritance and natural selection, he evolved from simple and uniform to complex and diverse—because the weakest died, and the strongest thrived and reproduced.
21. And man grew a thumb for that he had need of it, and developed capacities for prey.
21. And man developed a thumb because he needed it, and gained abilities for hunting.
22. For, behold, the swiftest men caught the most animals, and the swiftest animals got away from the most men: wherefore the slow animals were eaten and the slow men starved to death.
22. For, look, the fastest men captured the most animals, and the fastest animals escaped from the most men: as a result, the slow animals were eaten and the slow men starved to death.
23. And as types were differentiated the weaker types continually disappeared.
23. And as different types emerged, the weaker ones gradually disappeared.
24. And the earth was filled with violence; for man strove with man, and tribe with tribe, whereby they killed off the weak and foolish, and secured the survival of the fittest.
24. And the earth was filled with violence; for people fought against people, and tribes clashed with tribes, which led to the killing of the weak and foolish, ensuring the survival of the fittest.
From The Church Times, February 1875.
From The Church Times, February 1875.
Two other poems on the scientific theory of evolution remain to be quoted, although neither can strictly be termed a parody. The first, written by Charles Neaves (afterwards Lord Neaves) appeared originally in Blackwood’s Magazine, it was afterwards reprinted in “Songs and Verses, by an old contributor to Maga.” Edinburgh. W. Blackwood & Sons.
Two other poems about the scientific theory of evolution still need to be mentioned, although neither is strictly a parody. The first one, written by Charles Neaves (who later became Lord Neaves), was first published in Blackwood’s Magazine and later reprinted in “Songs and Verses, by an old contributor to Maga.” Edinburgh. W. Blackwood & Sons.
* * * * *
Understood. Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize.
The second, by the late Mr. Mortimer Collins, appeared in “The British Birds, a communication from the Ghost of Aristophanes.” London, 1872. A work which is now very scarce.
The second, by the late Mr. Mortimer Collins, appeared in “The British Birds, a communication from the Ghost of Aristophanes.” London, 1872. A work that is now quite rare.
An American View of Bicycling.
An American Perspective on Cycling.
“And in these days the young man of the city is possessed of a demon, and he taketh it upon him to learn to ride the bicycle. And he goeth unto them that teach the instrument; and he sayeth unto them, Lo, now, teach me this thing, at one half a trade shekel the hour. And they make answer and say unto him, Behold now; here is the machine; and here art thou. Get on it, therefore and ride; for all things are possible to him that hath nerve.
“And in these days, a young man from the city is possessed by a demon, and he decides to learn how to ride a bicycle. He goes to those who teach the skill, and he says to them, 'Hey, teach me this for half a trade shekel an hour.' They respond, 'Look, here’s the bike; and here you are. Get on it and ride, because anything is possible for someone who has courage.'”
And he taggeth after that machine for the next six weeks; yea, even until both his knees are like unto works of decorative art for colourful picturesqueness; and he frescoeth his entire person in black and blue, and he smasheth the machine variously and expensively; and in the fulness of time he learneth to mount and ride, and becometh an alleged proficient in the art.
And he goes after that machine for the next six weeks; in fact, until both his knees look like pieces of decorative art for their colorful craziness; and he paints his entire body black and blue, and he smashes the machine in various and costly ways; and eventually, he learns to mount and ride, and becomes an alleged expert in the skill.
And then, being puffed up with vanity, and being made mad with an injudicious ambition, he saith unto himself: Lo, now, I will try this thing upon the road. And he getteth permission to pay the hire of a machine, and to take the same up the avenue which is called fifth, to the northward of the hill which is called the Hill of Nobs; because of the exceedingly great number of nobs which dwell thereabouts.
And then, feeling full of himself and driven by foolish ambition, he says to himself: "Alright, I'm going to try this out on the road." He gets permission to rent a vehicle and takes it up Fifth Avenue, heading north of the hill known as the Hill of Nobs, because of the huge number of wealthy people living around there.
And it shall come to pass that he meeteth casual maidens, who shall smile upon him, and make glad his heart within him. And, for that man is foolish and mankind is indiscreet, he shall put on the frills of vanity, and ride in the curves of conceit, and take no heed.
And it will happen that he meets random girls who smile at him and make him happy inside. And because he is foolish and people are careless, he will dress in the trappings of vanity, ride on waves of arrogance, and pay no attention.
And in the end there shall come that way a school of young maidens, who shall say each one unto the other: Behold him upon the bicycle; and behold the young man upon two wheels. Is he not comely; and is he not fair to see among the young men of Israel? And moreover shall it come to pass that the young man shall be tempted of the evil one, and shall undertake to turn on the outer edge, and to put his legs over the handle, and shall generally be so previous and preliminary that presently the young students of Bellevue Hospital shall cobble him after their own will and fashion.
And in the end, a group of young women will pass by and say to each other: Look at him on the bicycle; and check out the guy on two wheels. Isn't he attractive? Doesn't he stand out among the young men of Israel? Moreover, it will happen that the young man will be tempted by evil and will try to lean on the outer edge, putting his legs over the handlebars, and will be so reckless that soon the young students from Bellevue Hospital will have to fix him up however they like.
And when he shall have recovered as much as he ever shall, that young man will give his bycycle unto his bitterest enemy, whom he hateth with a hate unspeakable, saying: Let this be for a peace-offering from me to thee; and let there be no more strife between us.
And when he has recovered as much as he ever will, that young man will give his bicycle to his bitterest enemy, whom he despises with unimaginable hatred, saying: Let this be a peace offering from me to you; and let there be no more conflict between us.
For is there not peace in the grave; and shall war be waged against them that are utterly smashed up.”
For isn't there peace in the grave? And will we wage war against those who are completely shattered?
Puck. United States. 1880.
Puck. USA. 1880.
A Publican’s Card.
A Pub Owner’s Card.
The Church of England Temperance Chronicle says:—A card has reached us, bearing on one side the inscription—
The Church of England Temperance Chronicle says:—A card has reached us, showing on one side the inscription—
Harry Hill, Market Hall Vaults,
Harry Hill, Market Hall Vaults,
Shambles, Worcester.
Shambles, Worcester.
On the reverse the following parody is printed:—
On the back, the following parody is printed:—
Harry Hill’s
Instructions to his Disciples.
Harry Hill’s
Instructions to his Followers.
1. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for in my house they shall be gladdened with the best of spirits.
1. Blessed are those who are humble, for in my home they will be filled with joy and good energy.
2. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted in my house.
2. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted in my home.
3. Blessed are the meek, for my beer and liquor shall embolden them.
3. Blessed are the humble, for my beer and liquor will give them courage.
4. Blessed are the weak and weary, for my drink shall strengthen them.
4. Blessed are the weak and tired, for my drink will give them strength.
5. Blessed are the mirthful and gay, for theirs is the kingdom of Harry Hill’s.
5. Blessed are those who are joyful and carefree, for theirs is the kingdom of Harry Hill’s.
6. Dost thou hunger? In my house shall thy belly be made glad.
6. Are you hungry? In my home, you'll find something that will satisfy your appetite.
7. Dost thou thirst? Enter into my vineyard.
7. Are you thirsty? Come into my vineyard.
8. I am the son of my father, and mine are the juices that shall restore them.
8. I am my father's son, and it is my strength that will bring them back.
9. Thou shalt not steal, for my shekels are my own.
9. You shall not steal, because my money is my own.
10. Thou shalt honour me, for I am the Father of the Feast.
10. You shall honor me, for I am the Father of the Feast.
11. Thou shalt not be rude to my pretty girls, for Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
11. You should not be rude to my beautiful girls, because Solomon in all his glory was not dressed like one of them.
12. Thou shalt not kiss them, if they say thee nay, for, red lips, like red roses, are sweetest on the bush.
12. You shouldn't kiss them if they say no, because red lips, like red roses, are sweetest on the bush.
13. Thou shalt not embrace them against their will, for caresses, like good wine, should not go to waist.
13. You should not embrace them against their will, because caresses, like good wine, should not go to waist.
14. Thou shalt not bellow in my house like the bull of Bashan, but rather whisper like the sucking dove.
14. You shall not shout in my house like the bull of Bashan, but instead whisper like a gentle dove.
15. Thou shalt not damage my household goods, for it shall cost thee dear.
15. You must not damage my household items, or it will cost you a lot.
16. If thou art good, from my bar thou shalt not be debarred.
16. If you're good, you won't be barred from my court.
17. Thou shalt not attempt to pass counterfeit coin upon me, for then will the owner of my counter “fit” thee.
17. You shall not try to pass off fake money to me, because then the owner of my counter will deal with you.
18. My good cheer will not settle on thy stomach if thou dost not settle with me.
18. I won't be in a good mood if you don't come to terms with me.
A Parody by Mr. Ruskin on Usury.
A Parody by Mr. Ruskin on Usury.
The author of a book entitled “Usury and the English Bishops” (by R. G. Sillar, with an introduction by Professor Ruskin. A. Southey, 146, Fenchurch-street, London), dedicates it, “without permission,” to the Bishops of Manchester, Peterborough, and Rochester. Mr. Ruskin, in an introduction, endorses in the following language the opinions expressed:—
The author of a book called “Usury and the English Bishops” (by R. G. Sillar, with an introduction by Professor Ruskin. A. Southey, 146, Fenchurch-street, London) dedicates it, “without permission,” to the Bishops of Manchester, Peterborough, and Rochester. Mr. Ruskin, in the introduction, supports the views expressed in the following language:—
I rejoice to see my old friend Mr. Sillar gathering finally together the evidence he has so industriously collected on the guilt of Usury, and supporting it by the always impressive language of symbolical art; for indeed I had myself no idea, till I read the connected statement which these pictures illustrate, how steadily the system of money-lending had gained on the nation, and how fatally every hand and foot was now entangled by it.
I’m glad to see my old friend Mr. Sillar finally putting together the evidence he has worked so hard to collect about the guilt of usury, and backing it up with the always striking language of symbolic art; because honestly, I had no idea, until I read the connected statement that these images illustrate, how steadily the system of money-lending had taken hold of the nation and how dangerously every hand and foot was now caught up in it.
“I place,” says Mr. Ruskin, “side by side the ancient and modern versions of the seven verses of the New Testament which were the beginning, and are indeed the heads, of all the teachings of Christ:—”
“I place,” says Mr. Ruskin, “side by side the ancient and modern versions of the seven verses of the New Testament that were the beginning and are indeed the foundation of all the teachings of Christ:—”
| Old. | Modern. |
| Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. | Blessed are the rich in flesh, for theirs is the kingdom of earth. |
| Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. | Blessed are they that are merry and laugh the last. |
| Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. | Blessed are the proud, in that they have inherited the earth. |
| Blessed are they which do hunger for righteousness, for they shall be filled. | Blessed are they which hunger for unrighteousness, in that they shall divide its mammon. |
| Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. | Blessed are the merciless, for they shall obtain money. |
| Blessed are the poor in heart, for they shall see God. | Blessed are the foul in heart, for they shall see no God. |
| Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God. | Blessed are the war makers, for they shall be adored by the children of men. |
The Pall Mall Gazette. March, 1885.
The Pall Mall Gazette. March 1885.
The three following examples of Scripture knowledge are said to have been written by Metropolitan School Board pupils in answer to questions put to them by Government Inspectors. “Who was Moses?—He was an Egypsian. He lived in a hark maid of bullrushers, and he kept a golden carf and worshipt braizen snakes and het nothin but qwhales and manner for forty years. He was kort up by the air of his ed while ridin under a bow of a tree and lie was killed by his son Abslon as he was hanging from the bow. His end was peace.”
The three examples of Scripture knowledge below are said to have been written by students from the Metropolitan School Board in response to questions from Government Inspectors. “Who was Moses?—He was an Egyptian. He lived in a ark made of bulrushes, and he kept a golden calf and worshipped brazen snakes and ate nothing but quails and manna for forty years. He was caught up by the hair of his head while riding under a bow of a tree and he was killed by his son Absalom as he was hanging from the branch. His end was peace.”
“What do you know of the patriarch Abraham?—He was the father of Lot and had tew wifes. Wun was called Hismale and tother Haygur. He kep wun at home and he hurried the tother into the dessert where she became a pillow of salt in the daytime and a pillow of fire at nite.”
“What do you know about the patriarch Abraham?—He was the father of Lot and had two wives. One was named Hismale and the other was Haygur. He kept one at home and sent the other into the desert, where she became a pillar of salt during the day and a pillar of fire at night.”
“Write an account of the good Samaritan.—A certing man went down from jerslam to jerriker and he feld among thawns and the thawns spranged up and choaked him; wareupon he gave tuppins to the hoast and said take care on him and put him on his hone hass. And he passt bye on the hother side.”
“Write a story about the good Samaritan. A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among thieves who attacked him and beat him up. He gave two coins to the innkeeper and said, ‘Take care of him and put him on his own donkey.’ And he passed by on the other side.”
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31 In addition to the parodies already quoted, Hone, in his defence, also mentioned the following:—
31 Besides the parodies already mentioned, Hone, in his defense, also brought up the following:—
A Genuine Collection of the several Pieces of Political Intelligence Extraordinary, Epigrams, &c., that have appeared before the Public in Detached Pieces, now carefully selected together in one View by An Impartial Hand. Printed for Thomas Butcher, Newgate Street, London, 1766. This curious and very scarce collection contains several parodies, amongst them A Political Litany, of no great merit, and The Political Creed for 1766, which was given on p. 299.
A Genuine Collection of various pieces of political information, remarkable epigrams, etc., that have been presented to the public in separate articles, now carefully compiled in one place by An Impartial Hand. Printed for Thomas Butcher, Newgate Street, London, 1766. This intriguing and very rare collection includes several parodies, among them A Political Litany, which isn't particularly impressive, and The Political Creed for 1766, which was provided on p. 299.
Book of the Wars of Westminster, from the fall of the Fox at the close of 1783 to 1784, on which William the Conqueror celebrated the Third Grand Lent Festival at the London. An Oriental Prophecy. Printed for Ishmael the son of Elishama. 1783.
Book of the Wars of Westminster, from the end of the Fox at the close of 1783 to 1784, when William the Conqueror celebrated the Third Grand Lent Festival in London. An Oriental Prophecy. Printed for Ishmael the son of Elishama. 1783.
The Chronicle of the Kingdom of the Cassiterides, under the reign of the House of Lunen. A Fragment translated from an Ancient Manuscript. London: G. Wilkie, 1783.
The Chronicle of the Kingdom of the Cassiterides, during the rule of the House of Lunen. A fragment translated from an ancient manuscript. London: G. Wilkie, 1783.
This describes the tremendous siege of Gibraltar by the French and Spaniards, and the political questions of the day, in Scriptural phraseology.
This describes the intense siege of Gibraltar by the French and Spaniards, along with the political issues of the time, using biblical language.
The Oriental Chronicles of the Times: being the Translation of a Chinese manuscript; with Notes supposed to have been originally written in the spirit of Prophecy, by Confucius the Sage. Dedicated to her Grace the Duchess of Devonshire. London. J. Debrett, Piccadilly.
The Oriental Chronicles of the Times: a translation of a Chinese manuscript; with notes that are believed to have been originally written in a prophetic spirit by Confucius the Sage. Dedicated to her Grace the Duchess of Devonshire. London. J. Debrett, Piccadilly.
This describes, in Biblical language, the triumph of Charles James Fox, in the great contested Election at Westminster in 1784.
This describes, in Biblical language, the triumph of Charles James Fox in the major contested election at Westminster in 1784.
The Plague of Westminster, or an order for the visitation of a sick Parliament, 1647—Harleian Miscellany.
The Plague of Westminster, or an order for the inspection of ailing Parliament, 1647—Harleian Miscellany.
Père la Chaise, Parody of the Catechism.
Père la Chaise, Parody of the Catechism.
Fair Circassian, by the Rev. Mr. Croxal, a parody of the Canticles.
Fair Circassian, by Rev. Mr. Croxal, a parody of the Song of Songs.
British Freeholder’s Political Creed.
British Freeholder's Political Beliefs.
Humorous Magazine. Te Deum.
Humorous Magazine. Thank You.
The Oracle in 1807. The Lord’s prayer parodied.
The Oracle in 1807. A spoof of the Lord’s Prayer.
Recruiting Bill. “Royal Volunteers, now is the time to obtain honour and glory. Wanted, immediately to serve Jehovah, who will reward them according to their zeal and ability, a vast number of people of all descriptions, who will on joining the Commanding Officer, receive new clothes, proper accoutrements, and everything necessary for their appearance at the New Jerusalem.”
Recruiting Bill. “Royal Volunteers, now is the time to earn honor and glory. We urgently need a large number of people from all backgrounds to serve Jehovah, who will reward them based on their enthusiasm and skills. Those who join the Commanding Officer will receive new uniforms, proper gear, and everything needed for their presentation at the New Jerusalem.”
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In The Spirit of the Public Journals for 1809 (Vol. XIII., London, J. Ridgway), there is a scriptural imitation, styled A Tale of other Times. This originally appeared in the “Morning Post.” It was an endeavour to apologise for the conduct of the Duke of York, who had been compelled, by public opinion, to resign the office of Commander-in-Chief, owing to the exposure of a wholesale traffic in army commissions, carried on by his mistress, Mrs. Clarke. The parody represents the Duke as more of a fool than a knave; it has, however, never yet been settled whether folly or knavery preponderated in his disposition. These qualities appear to have been pretty equally balanced, and this parody does not decide the question.
In The Spirit of the Public Journals for 1809 (Vol. XIII., London, J. Ridgway), there's a playful imitation called A Tale of Other Times. It first appeared in the “Morning Post.” The piece attempts to defend the Duke of York, who was forced to resign as Commander-in-Chief because public opinion condemned him after his mistress, Mrs. Clarke, was exposed for running a widespread scheme involving army commissions. The parody depicts the Duke as more of a fool than a villain; however, it's still unclear whether he was more foolish or scheming. These traits seem to have been fairly balanced in him, and the parody doesn't resolve this question.
In Vol. 16 of the same collection, for 1812, there is an imitation, called Book of Chronicles, it is political, and devoted to the abuse of Charles James Fox, and his adherents.
In Vol. 16 of the same collection, for 1812, there's a piece called Book of Chronicles, which is political and focuses on criticizing Charles James Fox and his supporters.
The Seven Chapters of the First Book of Things; being a Concise and Impartial account of the Birmingham Riots. By Levi Ben Mordecai. This imitation of biblical phraseology occurs in a little work entitled “Poems, by the late Mr. Stephen Chatterton, of Willenhall.” London, printed for the Author’s Widow. 1795.
The Seven Chapters of the First Book of Things; being a Brief and Fair account of the Birmingham Riots. By Levi Ben Mordecai. This imitation of biblical language appears in a short work titled “Poems, by the late Mr. Stephen Chatterton, of Willenhall.” London, printed for the Author’s Widow. 1795.
It relates entirely to the politics of the day, and commences with a description of the capture of the Bastille, in Paris.
It is completely connected to the politics of the time and starts with a description of the capture of the Bastille in Paris.
The First Book of Napoleon, the Tyrant of the Earth, written in 5813 A.M., and 1809 A.D., by Eliakim the Scribe. 1809.
The First Book of Napoleon, the Tyrant of the Earth, written in 5813 AM, and 1809 CE, by Eliakim the Scribe. 1809.
The Morning Herald (London), May 4, 1812, contained a scriptural parody ridiculing Lord Grenville.
The Morning Herald (London), May 4, 1812, contained a biblical parody mocking Lord Grenville.
Chronicles of Coxheath Camp. A satire on General Keppel, who commanded at Coxheath. By Francis Grose F.R.S. This is in scriptural form, and appeared in The Olio, 1792. It was referred to by William Hone, in his trials, but is not worth reprinting.
Chronicles of Coxheath Camp. A satire on General Keppel, who was in charge at Coxheath. By Francis Grose F.R.S. This is presented in a scriptural style and was published in The Olio, 1792. William Hone mentioned it during his trials, but it's not worth reprinting.
The Chronicles of Westminster. This scriptural imitation will be found in the well-known quarto collection, The History of the Westminster Election.
The Chronicles of Westminster. This written piece will be found in the well-known quarto collection, The History of the Westminster Election.
The Court of Session Garland. Edited by James Maidment Esq. London, Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1888. This curious collection of Ballads, Parodies and Epigrams, mostly written by members of the Scottish legal profession, contains several pieces written in scriptural style. The longest, entitled, The Book of the Chronicles of the City, relates to a contested election in Edinburgh; another is A Chapter from the Book of Kings, which was found in Mr. Hume’s Collection. Another called Book of Proclamations was written in 1837.
The Court of Session Garland. Edited by James Maidment Esq. London, Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1888. This intriguing collection of ballads, parodies, and epigrams, mostly authored by members of the Scottish legal profession, includes several pieces written in a scriptural style. The longest, titled The Book of the Chronicles of the City, pertains to a disputed election in Edinburgh; another is A Chapter from the Book of Kings, which was discovered in Mr. Hume’s Collection. Another one called Book of Proclamations was written in 1837.
These imitations are long, and of little present interest, except perhaps to a few old residents of Edinburgh.
These imitations are lengthy and not very interesting right now, except maybe to a few long-time residents of Edinburgh.
The Book of Benjamin. Appointed to be read by the Electors of England. London, Charles Watts, 1879. This consists of ten chapters, describing in biblical language, the acts of Benjamin D’Israeli, from a Liberal standpoint.
The Book of Benjamin. Approved for reading by the Electors of England. London, Charles Watts, 1879. This contains ten chapters, detailing in biblical language the actions of Benjamin D’Israeli from a Liberal perspective.
The Second Book of Benjamin. A record of things past, present, and to come. London, Charles Watts, 1879. A continuation of the above.
The Second Book of Benjamin. A record of things that have happened, are happening, and will happen. London, Charles Watts, 1879. A continuation of the above.
The Fall of Benjamin. By Alfred Capel Shaw, author of the two foregoing pamphlets. London, Watts and Co., 1880. This is the last of the trio, and concludes thus:—
The Fall of Benjamin. By Alfred Capel Shaw, author of the two previous pamphlets. London, Watts and Co., 1880. This is the final one of the trio and ends like this:—
“And all the land knew that Benjamin had fallen, and that he was driven forth into the wilderness. And, behold, Gladstone the Liberal ruled in his stead.”
“And everyone in the land knew that Benjamin had fallen and that he had been driven out into the wilderness. And, look, Gladstone the Liberal ruled in his place.”
The New Gospel of Peace according to St. Benjamin.—New York, Sinclair Tousey. In two books. No date, but since 1863. This is a most remarkable account of the Great American Civil War, in scriptural language, the names of persons and places being ingeniously spelt so as to give them a Biblical appearance. It is arranged in chapters and verses.
The New Gospel of Peace according to St. Benjamin.—New York, Sinclair Tousey. In two books. No date, but since 1863. This is an extraordinary account of the Great American Civil War, written in a scriptural style, with the names of people and places cleverly altered to give them a Biblical look. It is organized into chapters and verses.
The Awful and Ethical Allegory of Deuteronomy Smith; or, the Life-history of a Medical Student. Anonymous. Edinburgh, George Dryden, 1882. This describes, in biblical style, the adventures of a rather racketty young medical student in Edinburgh.
The Awful and Ethical Allegory of Deuteronomy Smith; or, the Life-history of a Medical Student. Anonymous. Edinburgh, George Dryden, 1882. This tells, in a biblical style, the adventures of a rather rowdy young medical student in Edinburgh.
The Secularists’ Manual of Songs and Ceremonies, Edited by Austin Holyoake. London, Austin & Co. About 1871. This contains a series of services for Freethinkers, suitable for Weddings, Christenings (or naming children) and for Funerals.
The Secularists’ Manual of Songs and Ceremonies, Edited by Austin Holyoake. London, Austin & Co. About 1871. This book includes a collection of services for Freethinkers, suitable for weddings, naming ceremonies for children, and funerals.
The New Book of Kings, by J. Morrison Davidson. Manchester. John Heywood. This is not written, as its name would suggest, in imitation of the Scriptures. It is an exceedingly outspoken history of the inner life and misdeeds of the Kings and Queens of England.
The New Book of Kings, by J. Morrison Davidson. Manchester. John Heywood. This isn’t written, as the title might imply, as a copy of the Scriptures. It’s a very candid account of the personal lives and wrongdoings of the Kings and Queens of England.
Comic Bible Sketches, reprinted from “The Freethinker,” edited by G. W. Foote. London: Progressive Publishing Company, 28, Stonecutter Street, 1885.
Comic Bible Sketches, reprinted from “The Freethinker,” edited by G. W. Foote. London: Progressive Publishing Company, 28, Stonecutter Street, 1885.
Jonah’s Excursion to Nineveh. By G. W. Foote, with illustrations by Paul Bellevue. London: Progressive Publishing Company, 28, Stonecutter Street. 1885. Price Twopence.
Jonah’s Excursion to Nineveh. By G. W. Foote, with illustrations by Paul Bellevue. London: Progressive Publishing Company, 28, Stonecutter Street. 1885. Price Two Pence.
La Bible Amusante pour les Grands et les Petits Enfants. Texte par Léo Taxil, Dessins par Frid’rick. Paris. Librairie Anti-Cléricale, Rue des Ecoles. This was published in weekly parts, at 50 centimes each. The illustrations were very humorous, but exceedingly profane.
La Bible Amusante for Kids and Grown-Ups. Text by Léo Taxil, Drawings by Frid’rick. Paris. Anti-Clerical Bookstore, Rue des Ecoles. This was published in weekly installments, at 50 centimes each. The illustrations were very funny but extremely irreverent.
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Jocularity in the pulpit has been often reproved as unseemly, yet it is still largely indulged in by a certain class of ministers. Punch in the Pulpit, by Philip Cater (London: W. Freeman, 1863), gives some amusing examples of this curious kind of devotion.
Joking in the pulpit is often criticized as inappropriate, yet it’s still commonly practiced by some ministers. Punch in the Pulpit, by Philip Cater (London: W. Freeman, 1863), provides some entertaining examples of this unusual form of worship.
On p. 108 a burlesque sermon founded on the Nursery Rhyme of Old Mother Hubbard was given, a similar production is sold by a printer named Tresize, in Beech Street, Barbican. It is styled A Yankee Sermon, and is founded on the text “For they shall knaw a file, and flee unto the mountains of Hepsidam, whar the lion roareth, and the wang-foodle mourneth for his first born.”
On p. 108 a humorous sermon based on the nursery rhyme Old Mother Hubbard was delivered, a similar one is sold by a printer named Tresize, on Beech Street, Barbican. It's called A Yankee Sermon, and is based on the text “For they shall gnaw a file, and run to the mountains of Hepsidam, where the lion roars, and the wang-foodle mourns for its firstborn.”
During his trials, Mr. Hone made several references to the following song, as showing that reverend and serious writers could jest about religious topics, without any intention to be profane. It was taken from the Reverend Mark Noble’s continuation of the Rev. Mr. Granger’s Biographical History of England, and showed that it was never apprehended by the most pious men, that a casual association of ludicrous images with matters of the Christian religion tended to weaken the respect due to that faith. Mr. Noble, in his work, quoted this song respecting Dr. Burnett, the author of The Theory of the Earth, and Master of the Charter-House:—
During his trials, Mr. Hone referred to the following song several times, indicating that serious and respected writers could make jokes about religious topics without meaning to be disrespectful. It was taken from Reverend Mark Noble’s continuation of Rev. Mr. Granger’s Biographical History of England, and it showed that even the most devout individuals never thought that mixing silly images with Christian matters would diminish the respect owed to that faith. Mr. Noble quoted this song about Dr. Burnett, the author of The Theory of the Earth, and Master of the Charter-Home:—
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FRAGMENTS OF HYMNS.
Hymn fragments.
Divine Songs of the Muggletonians, in Grateful Praise to the only True God, the Lord Jesus Christ, 1829.
Divine Songs of the Muggletonians, in Grateful Praise to the one True God, the Lord Jesus Christ, 1829.
This is a most extraordinary collection of balderdash to call Divine Songs; sung to such tunes as God save the Queen, Hearts of Oak, De’el take the Wars, etc. The following is from Hymn No. 127, sung to the tune of
This is a truly remarkable collection of nonsense called Divine Songs, sung to tunes like God Save the Queen, Hearts of Oak, De’el Take the Wars, and others. The following is from Hymn No. 127, sung to the tune of
A Drug in the Market; being some of the Songs of Zion that are not Wanted, written by Jacobus.
A Drug in the Market; being some of the Songs of Zion that are not Wanted, written by Jacobus.
The Salvation Navy.
The Salvation Army.
The Salvation Army was sure not to exist long without an imitator, and we are, therefore, not surprised to hear of a Salvation Navy, under the direction of a person calling himself Admiral Tug. Admiral Tug has learnt the trick from General Booth of treating the most sacred things with blasphemous familiarity, and he has summoned his supporters with the following imitation of the Arethusa sea-song:—
The Salvation Army wasn’t going to stay unique for long, so it’s no surprise to hear about a Salvation Navy, led by someone calling himself Admiral Tug. Admiral Tug has picked up the habit from General Booth of treating the most sacred things with disrespectful familiarity, and he has rallied his supporters with this parody of the Arethusa sea-track:—
A Strange Paraphrase.
A Weird Paraphrase.
The following lines were found written in the clerk’s book, at a church in Birmingham, some sixty years ago. The said clerk every Sunday afternoon gave out the same hymn:—
The following lines were found written in the clerk’s book at a church in Birmingham, about sixty years ago. The clerk would give out the same song:—
The British Lion’s Prey.
The British Lion's Prey.
In the hymn sung at the christening of Baby Battenberg was the following stanza:—
In the hymn sung at the baptism of Baby Battenberg was the following stanza:—
On returning from the chapel her Majesty, with the Royal Family, received the ladies and gentlemen in the Green Drawing Room, where refreshments were served, and her Majesty gave the health of Prince Leopold of Battenberg.—Court Circular.
On returning from the chapel, her Majesty, along with the Royal Family, welcomed the ladies and gentlemen in the Green Drawing Room, where refreshments were provided, and her Majesty toasted to the health of Prince Leopold of Battenberg.—Court Circular.
The following has been suggested as an additional stanza to the National Anthem:—
The following has been suggested as an additional stanza to the National Anthem:—
Of purely Political parodies the number is so great, that any attempt at printing a complete collection is out of the question. At the most, mention can only be made, and brief extracts given from a few of the best examples. The King’s (or Queen’s) speeches to Parliament, on the opening and closing days, have been the subject of parodies for very many years.
Of purely political parodies, there are so many that trying to publish a complete collection is impossible. At most, we can only mention a few and provide short extracts from some of the best examples. The King's (or Queen's) speeches to Parliament on opening and closing days have been parodied for many years.
One of the earliest, and certainly the most famous of these was an anonymous pamphlet published in 1778, entitled “Anticipation: Containing the substance of His Majesty’s Most Gracious Speech to both Houses of Parliament on the Opening of the approaching Session, together with a full and authentic account of the Debate which will take place in the House of Commons, on the motion for the Address, and the Amendment, with Notes.” (First published three Days before the Opening of the Session.) London: T. Beckett, 1778.
One of the earliest, and definitely the most famous of these was an anonymous pamphlet published in 1778, titled “Anticipation: Containing the summary of His Majesty’s Most Gracious Speech to both Houses of Parliament at the start of the upcoming Session, along with a complete and accurate account of the Debate that will happen in the House of Commons on the motion for the Address and the Amendment, with Notes.” (First published three Days before the Opening of the Session.) London: T. Beckett, 1778.
The address and the Debate occupy 74 pages octavo, and were no doubt highly entertaining at the time, as the characteristics and oddities of the various speakers who were satirised were then familiar, but have long since been forgotten.
The address and the Debate take up 74 pages in octavo format, and they were likely quite entertaining back then, as the traits and quirks of the different speakers who were mocked were well-known at the time, but have long since been forgotten.
The principal topic in the debate was the unfavourable issue of the War with the United States of America.
The main topic of the debate was the negative situation of the war with the United States.
This clever pamphlet (which ran through several editions) was written by Richard Tickell, who died in 1793.
This clever pamphlet (which went through several editions) was written by Richard Tickell, who passed away in 1793.
Coming to more modern times Figaro in London, a satirical paper which flourished in the “thirties,” had numerous parodies of 31 Parliamentary Speeches, making fun of William IV, his wife, and his Ministers. These were generally illustrated by Seymour, who delighted to represent William as a silly old man, with a silly old face, and his wife as a scraggy virago, keeping the King very much under control.
Coming to more modern times, Figaro in London, a satirical paper that thrived in the 1930s, featured many parodies of 31 Parliamentary Speeches, poking fun at William IV, his wife, and his Ministers. These were usually illustrated by Seymour, who loved to depict William as a foolish old man with a ridiculous face, and his wife as a scraggly bully, keeping the King firmly in check.
The King’s Speech.
The King's Speech.
The annual period of humbug is at length come round again, and the time has arrived for the King to put his name to the rubbish which is drawn up for him by his Ministers.
The yearly season of nonsense has finally arrived again, and it's time for the King to sign off on the garbage that his Ministers have prepared for him.
Of course, we are, so far as any public sources of information are concerned, wholly ignorant of the subject of this precious bit of ministerial eloquence that is to close the first Session of our first Reformed Parliament, but our private channels are so numerous, that it is impossible for the Government to prevent the secrets of the Cabinet from coming into the cognizance of Figaro.
Of course, as far as any public sources of information go, we know nothing about the topic of this valuable piece of ministerial speech that is set to wrap up the first session of our first Reformed Parliament. However, our private sources are so many that it's impossible for the Government to keep the Cabinet's secrets from getting to Figaro.
The following is a slight sketch of the document alluded to:—
The following is a brief overview of the document mentioned to:—
My Lords and Gentlemen,
Ladies and Gentlemen,
“I have to thank you for the very able manner in which you have contrived to humbug my people for the last seven months. I hope you will act in the same consistent manner next Session, for the dignity of your Lordship’s house, the protection of the Constitution, and the welfare of Great Britain.
“I have to thank you for the impressive way you’ve managed to deceive my people for the last seven months. I hope you’ll keep up the same consistent approach next Session, for the dignity of your Lordship’s house, the protection of the Constitution, and the welfare of Great Britain.”
Gentlemen of the House of Commons,
Members of the House of Commons,
You have my most sincere thanks for the singular tact with which you have contrived to debate every night till a late hour, and have yet managed to do nothing at all but pass the Coercive Bill for Ireland.
You have my heartfelt thanks for the unique skill with which you've managed to debate every night until late and still managed to get nothing done except passing the Coercive Bill for Ireland.
By a continuance in the same course, you will, I am sure, contribute to the stability of my Ministry, and to filling the Parliamentary columns of the newspapers.
By continuing on the same path, I’m sure you will help support my Ministry and keep the Parliamentary sections of the newspapers filled.
I cannot help expressing my admiration of the wonderful talent you have displayed in sitting under the name of a Reformed Parliament, and yet acting precisely in the same spirit as all preceding ones.
I can’t help but express my admiration for the amazing talent you’ve shown in being part of what you call a Reformed Parliament, while still behaving exactly like all the ones that came before it.
My Lords and Gentlemen of the House of Commons.
My Lords and Gentlemen of the House of Commons.
I am very happy to say, that my foreign relations are all as eager as ever to keep up the profession without the practice of liberality; and that Pedro is likely to be as great a scoundrel as his brother Miguel.
I’m really happy to say that my foreign relations are just as eager as ever to maintain the profession without actually being generous; and that Pedro is likely to be as much of a scoundrel as his brother Miguel.
I hope, my Lords and Gentlemen, that when you meet next session, you will be as talkative as you have been during that which has just come to a close; and, that you will not think of business till my faithful ministers have a plea for saying it is too late to do any.
I hope, my Lords and Gentlemen, that when you meet in the next session, you will be as chatty as you have been during the one that just ended; and, that you won't focus on business until my loyal ministers have a good reason to say it’s too late to handle any.
As for the supplies, I thank you for them, from the bottom of my heart, for I accept them as a strong mark of your attachment and loyalty.
As for the supplies, I sincerely thank you for them, as I see them as a deep sign of your connection and loyalty.
My good people call for retrenchment, and I trust you will give your attention to the underlings of all offices, as you have done before, for a person who has little is better qualified to do without anything, than one who has been accustomed to a superfluity.
My good people are asking for cuts, and I hope you will focus on the staff of all offices, as you have in the past, because someone who has little is better able to cope without anything than someone who is used to having too much.
I am convinced your sense of honour will teach you to respect the great receivers of the public pay, while the little ones, being more numerous, will afford a wider display for and more room for the practise of your retrenching abilities.”
I believe your sense of honor will lead you to respect those who receive public pay at high levels, while the smaller recipients, being more numerous, will provide you with more opportunities to showcase and practice your skills in cutting back."
Figaro in London. August 31, 1833.
Figaro in London. August 31, 1833.
The Queen’s Speech.
The King’s Speech.
Mr. Disraeli’s valet having abstracted from his master’s pocket a rough copy of the Royal Speech, transmitted it to us, we hasten to present the document to our readers.
Mr. Disraeli’s valet took a rough copy of the Royal Speech from his master’s pocket and passed it on to us, so we’re eager to share the document with our readers.
My Lords and Gentlemen—
My Lords and Gentlemen—
“The session now terminated, although not productive of any very striking measures, save that of creating me an Empress, has, nevertheless, proved highly advantageous to the country. My Government has been much occupied with undoing those acts of their predecessors which were considered as essentially beneficial to my subjects. I trust that these efforts will tend, under Providence, to the maintenance of the Tories in office, and to my own and my children’s benefit.
“The session has now ended, and while it didn’t result in any major initiatives, apart from making me an Empress, it has nonetheless been very beneficial for the country. My government has been focused on reversing the actions of their predecessors, which were seen as fundamentally helpful to my subjects. I hope that these efforts will, with God’s will, help keep the Tories in power and benefit me and my children.”
We must all deeply regret that civil war has broken out in the empire of my old and attached ally, the Turk. It appears he has been compelled to bayonet a number of babies, violate numerous maidens, and outrage a multitude of married women. But as my Prime Minister assures me these are the ordinary occurrences of civil warfare, we need trouble ourselves no further on the subject.
We all should feel terrible that civil war has started in the empire of my longstanding and loyal ally, the Turk. It seems he has been forced to stab a number of babies, assault many young women, and violate a large number of married women. However, my Prime Minister tells me that these are typical events during civil war, so we don’t need to concern ourselves with the matter any further.
My trusty cousin the Duke of Cambridge having, through instituting the late military manœuvres for the mobilization of my army, revealed to the nation his own utter imbecility and that of the department over which he presides, I have thought fit to recognise such distinguished services by bestowing on him the colonelcy of the 17th Lancers, worth £1,300 per annum.
My reliable cousin, the Duke of Cambridge, by organizing the recent military maneuvers for the mobilization of my army, has shown the country his complete incompetence as well as that of his department. Therefore, I found it appropriate to acknowledge his exceptional service by appointing him as the colonel of the 17th Lancers, which comes with an annual salary of £1,300.
As the march of my third son, the Duke of Connaught, from Liverpool to Edinburgh, is universally recognised as one of the greatest military achievements of the age, and surrounded with danger, the Lord Archbishop of Canterbury will prepare a special form of thanksgiving to Providence for the happy issue of this stupendous exploit.
As the march of my third son, the Duke of Connaught, from Liverpool to Edinburgh is widely seen as one of the greatest military achievements of our time, and filled with risks, the Lord Archbishop of Canterbury will prepare a special form of thanksgiving to God for the successful outcome of this remarkable feat.
The navy is conspicuous, as heretofore, for its thorough efficiency. My relative, the Prince of Leiningen, has not yet had an opportunity of distinguishing himself on the Solent, but, doubtless, before the season closes, he will again display that nautical skill for which he has rendered himself so famous. My second son Alfred, has been appointed to the Sultan, which ship has hitherto been quietly at anchor in Besika Bay. Should the opportunity present itself, I feel assured that he will duly qualify himself for the post of Lord High Admiral by running the Sultan ashore,[350] sinking a consort, or some equally meritorious service. My First Lord of the Admiralty has, however, fully maintained the great credit he obtained for his management of the navy, through the destruction of the Vanguard and the Mistletoe, by the recent explosion on board the Thunderer, and the slaughter of forty men; thus, at one and the same time, giving an impetus to the engineering and undertaking trades, and proving, beyond question, the perfect ability of my navy—to destroy itself.
The navy is still known, as before, for its great efficiency. My relative, the Prince of Leiningen, hasn't had a chance to stand out on the Solent yet, but I'm sure that before the season ends, he will showcase the nautical skills that have made him famous. My second son, Alfred, has been assigned to the Sultan, which has been quietly anchored in Besika Bay until now. If the opportunity arises, I'm confident that he will prove himself worthy of the position of Lord High Admiral by running the Sultan aground, sinking a ship, or performing some other commendable act. My First Lord of the Admiralty has also maintained the strong reputation he earned for managing the navy, following the destruction of the Vanguard and the Mistletoe, with the recent explosion on the Thunderer and the loss of forty men; thus, not only boosting the engineering and contracting industries, but also demonstrating, without a doubt, the navy's remarkable ability—to destroy itself.
31 The financial condition of the country is, I rejoice to state, in most respects satisfactory. You have managed to increase the national income by imposing two millions of taxation on my subjects, doubtless a very proper proceeding; but, at the same time, I must remind you that mine has not been increased. I am, moreover, gratified in being able to announce that owing to Sir Bartle Frere’s economical management of the grant allowed to my eldest son for the purposes of his religious mission to India, a threepenny-piece out of the sum will be returned to the Treasury. Many distinguished foreigners have come to England of late, and after having been entertained at their own expense, and visited the Mausoleum, doubtless left the country duly impressed with the magnificent hospitality of its Court.
31 I’m pleased to say that the country’s financial situation is mostly good. You've managed to boost the national income by collecting two million in taxes from my people, which is certainly appropriate; however, I want to remind you that my income hasn’t increased. I’m also happy to report that thanks to Sir Bartle Frere’s careful handling of the funds allocated to my eldest son for his religious mission to India, a threepenny piece from that amount will be returned to the Treasury. Recently, many distinguished foreign visitors have come to England, and after being hosted at their own expense and visiting the Mausoleum, they surely left the country quite impressed with the wonderful hospitality of our Court.
My lords and gentlemen, in dismissing you to the pleasures of grouse shooting, after a laborious session, which, in the course of five months has managed to undo much of the good that it took years to effect, I trust that Providence will further your future efforts in the same praiseworthy direction.”
My lords and gentlemen, as I send you off to enjoy the pleasures of grouse shooting after a hard session that, over five months, has managed to undo much of the progress made over the years, I hope that fate will support your future endeavors in the same commendable direction.
From Reynolds’ Newspaper. August, 1876.
From Reynolds’ Newspaper. August 1876.
In 1884, Truth offered a prize for the nearest forecast of the speech to be delivered on the opening of Parliament, and many replies were published, amongst which the following was, perhaps, the most amusing, although not written in accordance with the regulations of the competition:—
In 1884, Truth announced a contest for the best prediction of the speech to be given at the opening of Parliament, and many responses were published, among which the following was probably the funniest, even though it didn’t follow the rules of the competition:—
[Enter Councillors, thirsting for information as to the future programme of the Powers-that-be.]
[Enter Councillors, eager for details about the future plans of those in charge.]
Several parodies of King’s and Queen’s speeches will also be found in The Court of Session Garland. London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1888. These relate principally to Scotch affairs.
Several parodies of the King’s and Queen’s speeches will also be found in The Court of Session Garland. London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1888. These mainly focus on Scottish matters.
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An answer to the Proclamation calling out the Reserve Forces was
An answer to the Proclamation calling out the Reserve Forces was
Punch’s Proclamation.
Punch’s Proclamation.
PUNCHIUS, R.
PUNCHIUS, R.
Whereas, by the Reserve (Moral) Force Acts of no particular date, but of general recognition and universal application, it is, amongst other things, provided that, in case of imminent national danger and emergency, the Reserve Forces of Prudence, Patience, Patriotism, Justice, Magnanimity, Wise Forethought, and Rational Self-Restraint, ordinarily latent in the breasts of the sober, sagacious, and, for the most part, silent portion of the community, may authoritatively be called out on active public service.
Whereas, through the Reserve (Moral) Force Acts, which are generally recognized and universally applicable, it is stated that, in case of an urgent national threat or emergency, the Reserve Forces of Prudence, Patience, Patriotism, Justice, Generosity, Good Judgment, and Rational Self-Control, usually present in the thoughtful, wise, and mostly quiet part of the community, can officially be activated for public service.
And whereas the present state of public affairs and public opinion, and the necessity in connection therewith of taking steps for the maintenance of peace, and for the protection of real interests, honour, and fair fame of the Empire, and, especially, of checking the insurgent forces of Pride, Passion, Prejudice, and spurious (if well-intended) Patriotism, now and for some time past deplorably and mischievously rampant, in our opinion, constitute a case of great emergency within the meaning of the said Acts:
And given the current state of public matters and public opinion, and the need to take action for maintaining peace and protecting the genuine interests, honor, and good reputation of the Empire, especially to control the rebellious forces of Pride, Passion, Prejudice, and misguided (though well-meaning) Patriotism, which have been worryingly and harmfully widespread for some time, we believe this presents a significant emergency under the meaning of those Acts:
Now, therefore, We do, in pursuance of the said Acts and of our earnest endeavour for the furtherance of the Public Weal, hereby direct that forthwith all classes of the Reserve Forces above specified be called out on permanent service, and shall henceforth proceed to and attend in their places (in Parliament or otherwise), and at such time or times as may be needful, to serve as part of Our Army of Moral Militancy until their services are no longer required.
Now, therefore, we direct, in accordance with the mentioned Acts and our sincere efforts to promote the public good, that all classes of the Reserve Forces listed above be activated for permanent service right away. They shall proceed to and participate in their roles (in Parliament or elsewhere) at any time necessary, to serve as part of our Army of Moral Militancy until their services are no longer needed.
Given at our Court in Fleet-street this tenth day of April, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and seventy-eight, and the thirty seventh of our reign.
Given at our Court in Fleet Street this 10th day of April, in the year of our Lord 1878, and the 37th of our reign.
Vivat Punchius!
Long live Punchius!
Punch, April 1878.
Punch, April 1878.
“ADS.” OF THE FUTURE.
“Ads” of the Future.
TO BE LET for Public Meetings, Regimental Dinners, Balls, Fancy Fairs, and other purposes for which a large and handsome room is desirable, all that eligible and highly decorated Apartment commonly known as the “Gilded Chamber,” with a quantity of carved Benches, covered with scarlet morocco leather, which could easily be adapted for use as rout seats. Also a commodious Anteroom, suitable for a cloak-room or refreshment buffet, hitherto used as “The Peers’ Robing Room.” For terms, apply to Lord Redesdale, on the premises.
FOR LEASE for public meetings, regimental dinners, balls, fancy fairs, and other events where a large, attractive room is needed, the highly decorated room commonly known as the “Gilded Chamber,” featuring several carved benches covered in red morocco leather that can easily be turned into seating. Also included is a spacious anteroom, suitable for a cloakroom or refreshment area, previously used as “The Peers’ Robing Room.” For pricing and details, contact Lord Redesdale at the location.
TO SPEAKERS OF LOCAL PARLIAMENTS, COLLECTORS OF HISTORICAL RELICS, ANTIQUARIANS, &c.—To be Sold by Private Contract, “The Woolsack,” occupied up to the date of the Disestablishment of the House of Lords by the Lord Chancellor. This interesting Constitutional object is in excellent repair, and will be sold with a warranty of its genuineness. It is stuffed with the finest white wool, and covered with crimson repp of the best quality, and being positively unique, is well worthy the attention of purchasers.
TO MEMBERS OF LOCAL PARLIAMENTS, COLLECTORS OF HISTORICAL ARTIFACTS, ANTIQUITIES EXPERTS, etc.—Available for Private Sale, “The Woolsack,” which was used by the Lord Chancellor until the House of Lords was disbanded. This fascinating constitutional item is in great condition and comes with a guarantee of its authenticity. It is filled with the finest white wool and covered with high-quality crimson fabric, and since it is truly one of a kind, it deserves the interest of potential buyers.
MR. and MRS. SOLOMON HARTT having been favoured with the patronage of a large number of the most distinguished members of the late House of Lords, beg to inform the public that they have on hand for immediate disposal a large assortment of A1 State Robes, trimmed with ermine, including many quite equal to new. Also a large selection of silver-gilt, electro-plate, and nickel silver Coronets, ducal, early, baronial, &c., &c. Mr. and Mrs. S. H. invite special attention to this unprecedented opportunity for obtaining the above articles at the most moderate figures. Robes altered to fit intending purchasers, without extra charge. N.B.—Several of the Coronets have never been worn in public. An early inspection is solicited, as Mr. and Mrs. S. H. have received an order from the King of Bungoo-Wungoo for a set of uniforms for his newly-formed body-guard.
Mr. and MRS. SOLOMON HARTT, having received support from many prominent members of the former House of Lords, would like to inform the public that they have a large selection of A1 State Robes available for immediate sale, trimmed with ermine, including many that are practically brand new. They also offer a wide range of silver-gilt, electro-plate, and nickel silver Coronets, including ducal, early, baronial, etc. Mr. and Mrs. S. H. encourage everyone to take advantage of this unique opportunity to acquire these items at very reasonable prices. Robes can be altered to fit buyers without any extra charge. N.B.—Several of the Coronets have never been worn in public. We urge you to come by early, as Mr. and Mrs. S. H. have received a request from the King of Bungoo-Wungoo for a set of uniforms for his newly-formed bodyguard.
MESSRS. KNOCKIT and SELLEM beg to announce that their next Tuesday’s Sale will include two Swords of State, seven State Cocked Hats, four ditto Crimson Robes, one Silver Mace, one Black Rod (tipped with silver), one carved Oak Throne, twenty-seven Suits of Official Livery, various, and numerous other miscellaneous articles, formerly the property of the House of Lords, which have been consigned for Unreserved Sale. Catalogues on application.
Mr. Knockit and SELLEM are excited to announce that their upcoming sale next Tuesday will feature two State Swords, seven State Cocked Hats, four Crimson Robes, one Silver Mace, one Black Rod (with a silver tip), one carved Oak Throne, twenty-seven Official Livery Suits, and various other miscellaneous items that were previously owned by the House of Lords, all of which will be sold without reserve. Catalogs are available upon request.
Funny Folks, August 2, 1884.
Funny Folks, August 2, 1884.
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Lord Carnarvon had an interview with Mr. Parnell in Dublin, when they discussed the question of Home Rule for Ireland. The Conservative press denied that the interview had any serious political meaning, or that Lord Carnarvon had any authority to treat with Mr. Parnell, for his parliamentary support.
Lord Carnarvon met with Mr. Parnell in Dublin, where they talked about the issue of Home Rule for Ireland. The Conservative press dismissed the meeting as having any significant political implication, claiming that Lord Carnarvon had no authority to negotiate with Mr. Parnell regarding his parliamentary support.
LIMITED LIABILITY.
Limited liability.
A Dialogue.
A Conversation.
Scene.—Library in Lord Carnarvon’s house. Lord Carnarvon and Mr. Parnell “discovered.”
Scene.—Library in Lord Carnarvon’s house. Lord Carnarvon and Mr. Parnell are present.
Lord C——: Delighted to see you Mr. Parnell. Lucky chance your happening to call on me! Quite an accident, of course?
Lord C——: Great to see you, Mr. Parnell. What a lucky coincidence that you decided to stop by! Just an accident, right?
Lord C——, gloomily: Quite, quite; (brightening up) Mr. P——, we meet of course only to exchange the most casual and superficial ideas—merely as private gentlemen, and not representing anybody or anything?
Lord C——, gloomily: Exactly; (cheering up) Mr. P——, we’re only here to share the most casual and surface-level thoughts—just as private individuals, not representing anyone or anything?
Mr. P——: Quite so. Exactly.
Mr. P——: Totally. For sure.
Lord C——: But there is one thing that I may say officially and with authority. In my capacity as Viceroy of Ireland, and speaking with the sanction of the whole Cabinet on this particular subject, a subject on which I may say we are absolutely unanimous, I have to state that I do think the weather so far is disappointing and disagreeable.
Lord C——: But there’s one thing I can officially say with authority. As the Viceroy of Ireland, and with the backing of the entire Cabinet on this matter, which I can say we all agree on completely, I have to point out that I find the weather so far to be disappointing and unpleasant.
Mr. P——, solemnly: Lord C——, I have no hesitation in saying, not only on my own behalf, but on that of the whole Irish Parliamentary party, and of the Irish people as well, that we, too, find the weather disappointing and disagreeable.
Mr. P——, seriously: Lord C——, I can confidently say, not only for myself but on behalf of the entire Irish Parliamentary party and the Irish people too, that we also find the weather disappointing and unpleasant.
Lord C——: That’s all right. But now, Mr. P——, coming to unimportant matters, and speaking together as men absolutely free from any manner of responsibility, and, indeed, having no particular motive of any kind but that of whiling away a few minutes in pleasant gossip, do you think it would be a good thing if we—the Conservatives—were to introduce a Home Rule measure for Ireland?
Lord C——: That's fine. But now, Mr. P——, moving on to less significant topics, and speaking as two guys completely free from any responsibility, and honestly, with no specific agenda other than just passing the time with some light conversation, do you think it would be a good idea for us—the Conservatives—to propose a Home Rule measure for Ireland?
Mr. P——: Lord C——, I am now speaking entirely as a private, and I may say an isolated individual, having no knowledge of the views of any of my colleagues, and, indeed, assuming that they would be rather opposed to me than not in most things, and thus free from all responsibility, I venture to say that I, for myself, should not be displeased if you were to introduce a Home Rule measure for Ireland.
Mr. P——: Lord C——, I’m speaking here solely as an individual, and honestly, as someone who feels a bit alone. I have no idea what my colleagues think, and I assume they’d probably disagree with me on most things. So, with that in mind and without any obligation, I’d like to say that I personally wouldn’t be against you introducing a Home Rule measure for Ireland.
Lord C——: Thanks; then again I should like to ask you, merely to gratify the idlest personal curiosity, and not having consulted or intending ever to consult any human being on the subject, whether you think that if I were to promise—just for the fun of the thing you know—to get such a measure introduced, you could promise—also of course for the mere fun of the thing—to give us your support at the coming elections?
Lord C——: Thanks; I’d like to ask you, just to satisfy my own curiosity, and without having consulted or planning to consult anyone else about it, whether you think that if I were to jokingly promise to get such a measure introduced, you could also jokingly promise to support us in the upcoming elections?
Mr. P——: Well, of course, regarding the whole thing as a mere light-hearted piece of pleasantry, between two men notorious for their vivacity and levity, and neither of whom could be supposed to have any serious purpose of any kind, I may say perhaps that in such a case I could promise, just for the fun of the thing—as you happily put it—I could promise you some support at the coming elections.
Mr. P——: Well, of course, thinking of the whole situation as just a light-hearted joke between two guys known for their energy and playfulness, neither of whom has any serious intentions, I can say that in this case I could offer, just for the fun of it—as you nicely put it—I could promise you some backing in the upcoming elections.
Lord C——: Thanks very much. Now coming to serious subjects.—May I ask you Mr. P—— whether you, speaking officially as leader of the Irish people, are prepared to agree in an opinion which I have the authority of the whole Cabinet for expressing, that the present season in London is likely to be short and unsatisfactory?
Lord C——: Thank you very much. Now, getting to serious matters.—May I ask you, Mr. P——, whether you, speaking officially as the leader of the Irish people, are ready to agree with an opinion that I have the full backing of the entire Cabinet to express, that the current season in London is expected to be brief and unsatisfactory?
Mr. P——: On such a question as this I speak with a profound sense of responsibility; but I have no hesitation in saying, as leader of the Irish Parliamentary party, on behalf of that party and of the whole people of Ireland, and likewise on behalf of the Irish Populations of America, Australia, Brazil, and Patagonia, that Ireland’s conviction is that the present season in London will be short and unsatisfactory.
Mr. P——: On a question like this, I speak with a deep sense of responsibility; however, I have no doubt in saying, as leader of the Irish Parliamentary party, on behalf of that party and all the people of Ireland, as well as the Irish communities in America, Australia, Brazil, and Patagonia, that Ireland strongly believes this current session in London will be brief and disappointing.
They shake hands solemnly and part.
They shake hands seriously and go their separate ways.
The Daily News, June 19, 1888.
The Daily News, June 19, 1888.
Political Manifestoes.
Political Manifestos.
Mr. Chamberlain’s Address.
Mr. Chamberlain's Speech.
Gentlemen.—The new Parliament is about to be dissolved under circumstances unparalleled in the history of this country. I am alive, and not one of the bosses of the show. At the 1885 election, Mr. Gladstone, extending his usual method, indicated four subjects of primary importance. Need I add that one of these, the one, was myself? Under these circumstances, it does not appear to have entered into the mind of any Liberal candidate that within a few weeks he would be invited to consider a vast revolution in the relations between me and the G. O. M.
Gentlemen.—The new Parliament is about to be dissolved in unprecedented circumstances in this country's history. I'm still here, and I'm not one of the major players. In the 1885 election, Mr. Gladstone, following his usual method, pointed out four key subjects. Should I mention that one of these, the main one, was me? Given this situation, it seems that no Liberal candidate has considered that in just a few weeks he would be asked to reflect on a major shift in the relationship between me and the G. O. M.
The 1885 election was fought on the programme formulated by Mr. Gladstone, subject to my approval, and on collateral issues of purely domestic interest. Now, as I am only capable of understanding domestic and vestry matters, it will be readily understood that I disapprove of any dealing with large and statesmanlike questions beyond my comprehension. What the Liberal party in last November solemnly and seriously declared to be unsafe, the Prime Minister, egged on I do not doubt by that accursed Morley, has now deliberately undertaken. The authority of the Prime Minister has been sufficient to work this startling transformation, and mine, alas! insufficient to prevent it. The Irish Government Bill (i.e., Mr. Gladstone) would repeal the act of union between me and the G.O.M. It would also set up a rival Parliament in Dublin; and—you may believe one who has suffered much from a rival politician in London—this will be most unpleasant.
The 1885 election was based on the program created by Mr. Gladstone, which I approved, along with other issues focused purely on domestic matters. Since I only understand local and community matters, it's clear that I don't approve of engaging with big national questions that are beyond my understanding. What the Liberal party declared last November to be unsafe, the Prime Minister, undoubtedly influenced by that troublesome Morley, has now chosen to pursue. The Prime Minister's authority has managed to make this shocking change happen, while unfortunately, mine has not been enough to stop it. The Irish Government Bill (i.e., Mr. Gladstone) would repeal the act of union between me and the G.O.M. It would also create a competing Parliament in Dublin; and—believe me, having experienced the challenges posed by a rival politician in London—this will be very uncomfortable.
To desert me for Morley—me, whose only crime in the G.O.M.’s eyes is the peddling and board-of-guardians’ spirit in which I approach all questions—is an act of ingratitude and cowardice unworthy only of the Caucus.
To leave me for Morley—me, whose only fault in the G.O.M.’s eyes is the spirit of a salesman and board-of-guardians in how I tackle every issue—is an act of ingratitude and cowardice that’s only fitting for the Caucus.
So anxious am I, not particularly to stop Home Rule, but most particularly to teach the G.O.M. a severe lesson for preferring Morley to me, that I say nothing for the moment even against those landlords, my customary mark, who hold their land by exactly the same means and right as I hold my capital. Nor am I, under the circumstances, disinclined to coercion.
So anxious am I, not really to stop Home Rule, but especially to teach the G.O.M. a harsh lesson for choosing Morley over me, that I’m saying nothing right now even against those landlords, my usual target, who hold their land by exactly the same methods and rights that I hold my capital. Given the situation, I’m also not opposed to coercion.
No one has recognised more strongly than myself the claims of party and the duty incumbent on all to sacrifice individual preferences to the necessity of united action, when it suits them. But I am so real riled at the way the G.O.M. and Morley have treated me that, in spite of all my ill-temper and mischief-making, I hope to retain the support, though I have lost the confidence, of those whose interests I have loyally endeavoured to serve, as long as they did not conflict with my own, and in whose midst my life as a capitalist has been spent, and my work of screw and caucus-making accomplished.
No one has recognized more strongly than I have the importance of party and the responsibility everyone has to put aside personal preferences for the sake of united action when it suits them. But I’m really frustrated with how the G.O.M. and Morley have treated me that, despite my bad mood and troublemaking, I hope to keep the support—although I’ve lost their trust—of those whose interests I have tried to serve loyally, as long as they didn’t conflict with my own, and among whom I have spent my life as a capitalist, and where I have carried out my work of manipulation and organizing.
(Signed) J. Chamberlain.
(Signed) J. Chamberlain.
The other manifestoes were less amusing, they parodied Sir Charles Dilke, Lord Randolph Churchill, and Mr. Gladstone.
The other manifestos were less entertaining; they mocked Sir Charles Dilke, Lord Randolph Churchill, and Mr. Gladstone.
The Topical Times, June 26, 1886.
The Topical Times, June 26, 1886.
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Colonel Saunderson, M.P., had asserted at a public meeting that, if Parliament should grant Home Rule to Ireland, 50,000 men of Ulster would immediately rise in rebellion against it, and fight to the last ditch. He did not, however, attempt to justify this statement when called upon to do so in the House of Commons.
Colonel Saunderson, M.P., claimed at a public meeting that if Parliament gave Home Rule to Ireland, 50,000 men from Ulster would immediately rebel against it and fight to the bitter end. However, he did not try to justify this statement when asked to do so in the House of Commons.
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For many years past Mr. Gladstone has been the “leading article” in the stock-in-trade of Caricaturists and Parodists. His personal appearance, his collars, his umbrella, his hobby for felling trees, his great learning, his immense vitality, and his mode of speaking, have all furnished topics for satires and lampoons.
For many years, Mr. Gladstone has been the “main feature” in the toolkit of caricaturists and parodists. His looks, his collars, his umbrella, his passion for chopping down trees, his vast knowledge, his tremendous energy, and his way of speaking have all provided material for satire and mockery.
It would be impossible to refer to anything like a proportion of these, but the following may be mentioned as typical examples.
It would be impossible to reference a specific proportion of these, but the following can be mentioned as typical examples.
The Morning Post (London), September 24, 1884, contained an unreported Midlothian Speech on Free Trade, supposed to have been delivered by Mr. Gladstone, but really written by Mr. Edward Sullivan.
The Morning Post (London), September 24, 1884, included an unreported Midlothian Speech on Free Trade, which was thought to have been given by Mr. Gladstone, but was actually written by Mr. Edward Sullivan.
The St. Stephen’s Review (London), October 29, 1887, contained a prospectus, of which the following is a brief abstract:—
The St. Stephen’s Review (London), October 29, 1887, contained a prospectus, of which the following is a brief abstract:—
THE HAWARDEN ESTATE BLOCK WOOD COMPANY, LIMITED.
THE HAWARDEN ESTATE BLOCK WOOD COMPANY, LIMITED.
Incorporated under the Companies Acts, 1862 to 1883, whereby the liability of the Shareholders is limited to the amount of their Shares.
Incorporated under the Companies Acts, 1862 to 1883, which limits the liability of the shareholders to the amount of their shares.
Capital £100,000, in 100,000 Shares of £1 each.
Capital of £100,000, divided into 100,000 shares of £1 each.
Payable—5s. per share on Application, 5s. per share on Allotment, and the remainder One Month after Allotment
Payable—£0.25 per share on Application, £0.25 per share on Allotment, and the rest one month after Allotment.
DIRECTORS.
DIRECTORS.
The Earl of Rosebery, The Durdans, Epsom.
Lord Wolverton, 7, Stratton Street, Piccadilly, W.
Herbert Gladstone, Esq., M.P., Hawarden Castle.
The Rev. H. Drew, The Rectory, Hawarden.
*The Right Hon. W. E. Gladstone, Hawarden Castle (Chairman).
The Count of Rosebery, The Durdans, Epsom.
Lord Wolverton, 7, Stratton Street, Piccadilly, W.
Herbert Gladstone, Esq., M.P., Hawarden Castle.
The Rev. H. Drew, The Rectory, Hawarden.
*The Right Hon. W. E. Gladstone, Hawarden Castle (Chairman).
* Will join the Board after allotment.
* Will join the Board after the allocation.
Secretary—H. Drake Digby, Esq., National Liberal Club.
Secretary—H. Drake Digby, Esq., National Liberal Club.
Temporary Offices—23, Albemarle Street, W.
Temporary Offices—23, Albemarle Street, W.
ABRIDGED PROSPECTUS.
Abridged Prospectus.
During the past twenty years, and indeed ever since it became generally known that Mr. Gladstone was in the habit of wielding an axe, a steady flow of letters has ceaselessly poured into Hawarden Castle from all parts of the world, asking for chips and blocks of wood cut from the timber felled by the right honourable gentleman.
Over the last twenty years, and really ever since it became well-known that Mr. Gladstone liked to use an axe, a steady stream of letters has continuously flooded into Hawarden Castle from all over the world, requesting chips and blocks of wood taken from the trees logged by the honorable gentleman.
At first these demands were complied with so far as it was possible to do so, but as the Irish Question surged to the front, and Mr. Gladstone’s popularity with the civilised world increased, it became hopeless to deal with the applications, which have accumulated to such an extent that the paper on which the applications are written has been weighed out of curiosity, and is found to weigh 4 tons 17 cwt. 3 qrs. 17 lbs.
At first, these requests were met as much as possible, but as the Irish Question became more pressing and Mr. Gladstone’s popularity with the civilized world grew, it became impossible to handle the applications, which have piled up to such an extent that the paper used for the applications was weighed out of curiosity and found to weigh 4 tons 17 cwt. 3 qrs. 17 lbs.
Some fortnight or so ago Mr. Gladstone announced through the press that in future, blocks from timber cut down by his hand would only be supplied on receipt of a postal order for three shillings.
About two weeks ago, Mr. Gladstone announced in the news that from now on, any timber blocks he personally cuts will only be provided upon receiving a postal order for three shillings.
He did this in the hope that it would deter his numerous correspondents, instead of which they have increased twenty-fold. Under the circumstances, it occurred to Mr. Gladstone that by the erection of large and commodious saw mills the demand might be dealt with and a lucrative industry started without any very large outlay.
He did this hoping it would discourage his many correspondents, but instead, they increased twenty-fold. Given the situation, Mr. Gladstone thought that building large and comfortable sawmills could handle the demand and create a profitable industry without requiring a huge investment.
Mr. Gladstone, whose great name is the sole origin of the business, and who is henceforward, called the vendor, can cut down three medium-sized trees per diem. These trees will yield an average of 7,000 blocks, which, sold at 3s., means a daily sale of
Mr. Gladstone, whose famous name is the only source of the business and who will hereafter be referred to as the vendor, can cut down three medium-sized trees each day. These trees will produce an average of 7,000 blocks, which, sold at 3s., results in a daily sale of
| £ 1,050 | ||
| 300 | working days | |
| £315,000 | ||
| Deduct cost of 900 trees, say £10 | 9,000 | |
| £306,000 | ||
| Erection of saw mills and 12 months’ labour of 100 men at 25s. per week | 10,000 | |
| £296,000 | Profit on first year’s operations. | |
It is perfectly obvious that the public demand is so great that the entire estate can be disafforested at an enormous profit, the price of three shillings per cubic foot block being as nearly as possible 30 times the normal value of the timber.
It’s clear that the public demand is so high that the whole estate can be deforested for a huge profit, with the price of three shillings per cubic foot block being nearly 30 times the usual value of the timber.
It is not anticipated that it will be necessary to call up more than the allotment money, as it is calculated when the premium has been paid on the vendor’s life, and the stipulated price for the goodwill (£25,000) has been handed over to the vendor, there will still remain sufficient in hand to erect the necessary saw mills and machinery.
It’s not expected that we’ll need to use more than the allotted funds because once the premium for the vendor’s life has been paid and the agreed price for the goodwill (£25,000) has been given to the vendor, there should still be enough left to set up the required sawmills and machinery.
The following contract has been entered into: An agreement dated the 23rd day of October, 1887, and made between William Ewart Gladstone of the one part, and Archibald Philip Primrose, Earl of Rosebery, on behalf of the company, of the other part.
The following contract has been entered into: An agreement dated October 23, 1887, made between William Ewart Gladstone on one side and Archibald Philip Primrose, Earl of Rosebery, representing the company, on the other side.
Copies of the agreement of purchase, valuers’ certificates, and memorandum and articles of association may be inspected at the offices of the company, or of the bankers.
Copies of the purchase agreement, appraisers’ certificates, and the memorandum and articles of association can be viewed at the company's offices or the bankers’.
Scarcely a week passes but what Mr. Gladstone appears as the central figure in Judy’s political cartoon; Judy has also published (separately) some burlesque Company prospectuses, one in 1885 was entitled “W. E. Gladstone & Co., Limited,” with a capital of One Million in £10 Shares. The proposed Directorate included the following names: The Rt. Hon. W. E. G. Chairman. Mr. H. Childish. Sir Veneer Half-caste. The Earl Gumboil. The Earl Drowsy. Marquis of Heart-in-Mouth. Joseph Chimneypot, Esq. (of the Birmingham Affidavit Manufacturing Company), and Sir. C. Bilke.
Hardly a week goes by without Mr. Gladstone showing up as the main character in Judy’s political cartoon; Judy has also released (separately) some parody company prospectuses, one in 1885 was titled “W. E. Gladstone & Co., Limited,” with a capital of One Million in £10 Shares. The proposed board included the following names: The Rt. Hon. W. E. G. Chairman. Mr. H. Childish. Sir Veneer Half-caste. The Earl Gumboil. The Earl Drowsy. Marquis of Heart-in-Mouth. Joseph Chimneypot, Esq. (of the Birmingham Affidavit Manufacturing Company), and Sir. C. Bilke.
A long list was given of the objects to be achieved by the Company, all of which were represented as being nefarious and unpatriotic, such being the usual and natural assertion of each political party with regard to the actions of the other.
A long list was provided of the goals the Company aimed to achieve, all of which were described as shady and unpatriotic, which is the usual claim made by each political party about the actions of the other.
Another publication issued from the Judy office, dated November 1, 1885, and sold for threepence, was a legal looking paper, endorsed The Last Will and Testament of William Ewart Gladstone. This was not a very witty production, the most notable clauses it contains are those in which Mr. Gladstone appoints Joseph Chamberlain and Bottomley Firth as his executors; the bequest to Lord Randolph Churchill “of twelve pence sterling to the end he may therewith buy a rope of hemp and go hang himself;” to the Sublime Porte of “a complete file of Newspapers containing all my speeches on the Bulgarian Atrocities;” and to Sir Charles Dilke “my Law treatise containing chapters on Decrees Nisi.”
Another publication released from the Judy office, dated November 1, 1885, and sold for threepence, looked like a legal document and was titled The Last Will and Testament of William Ewart Gladstone. This wasn't a very clever piece, with the most notable parts being where Mr. Gladstone names Joseph Chamberlain and Bottomley Firth as his executors; the bequest to Lord Randolph Churchill of “twelve pence sterling so that he may use it to buy a rope and go hang himself;” to the Sublime Porte a “complete file of Newspapers that include all my speeches on the Bulgarian Atrocities;” and to Sir Charles Dilke “my Law treatise that includes chapters on Decrees Nisi.”
There are three Codicils to this will, all in very involved and complicated language, and each one contradictory to the others. This production had a large sale.
There are three codicils to this will, all written in very complex and confusing language, and each one contradicting the others. This document had a large sale.
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In October, 1879, The Examiner published an amusing series of imaginary letters supposed to pass between the leaders of both the great political parties, and their followers. The following three are selected as examples:—
In October 1879, The Examiner released a funny series of fictional letters that were meant to be exchanged between the leaders of the two major political parties and their supporters. The next three are chosen as Please provide the text you'd like me to modernize.
Lord Salisbury to Lord Beaconsfield.
Lord Salisbury to Lord Beaconsfield.
Dieppe, Oct. 10.
Dieppe, Oct 10.
My Dear Beaconsfield,—I saw Waddington two days ago. His bewilderment when I frankly told him that we had no Greek policy would have been amusing, had it not led to a long and troublesome remonstrance from him. It appears that he thought we were in earnest at Berlin. Of course I hastened to undeceive him, and to point out that our only object at the Congress was to quiet the people at home, and arrange with the Russians abroad. However, I satisfied him at last by telling him he may do as he pleases in Egypt.
Dear Beaconsfield,—I saw Waddington two days ago. His confusion when I honestly told him that we had no Greek policy was somewhat funny, but it led to a long and annoying complaint from him. He seemed to think we were serious about things in Berlin. Naturally, I quickly set him straight and explained that our only goal at the Congress was to calm the people back home and make arrangements with the Russians abroad. However, I finally reassured him by saying he could do whatever he wants in Egypt.
By the way, I shall be speaking in a few days; I suppose you have nothing to suggest. Grant Duff must be smashed, and we must take what credit we can get out of Afghanistan. But as Hartington is still, and Gladstone keeps out of the way, I am afraid I shall have to tilt against egg-shells—for Harcourt is nobody.—Yours ever,
By the way, I’ll be speaking in a few days; I assume you have nothing to add. Grant Duff needs to be taken down, and we should make the most of the situation in Afghanistan. However, since Hartington is still around, and Gladstone is keeping a low profile, I'm afraid I'll have to go after easy targets—Harcourt is insignificant.—Yours always,
Salisbury.
Salisbury.
Have you heard of Derby’s latest move?
Have you heard about Derby's latest move?
Lord Beaconsfield to Lord Salisbury.
Lord Beaconsfield to Lord Salisbury.
Hughenden Manor, Oct. 13.
Hughenden Manor, Oct 13.
My Dear Salisbury,—Waddington does not quite know us yet, or he would not have been surprised. If he is satisfied, however, with our Egyptian plans, we will not trouble any longer about him.
Dear Salisbury,—Waddington doesn't really know us yet, or he wouldn't have been surprised. But if he's happy with our Egyptian plans, we won't worry about him any longer.
Your speech should be of great service. Harcourt may, as you say, be dismissed very shortly—the impulsive imagination of his immature intellect needs little comment from you. Hartington is in a difficulty. The Home Rulers, on one hand, and the Disestablishment section on the other, are too many for him. Can you not hint at the various nature of the forces he leads—aëronauts, somnambulists, monomaniacs, misanthropes, and nomads? As for Gladstone, it seems to me that he might be ferreted out. The perennial perplexities of a pedagogic mind have driven him once more to silence. Before he can present himself in Midlothian, he must decide upon which conviction he will follow. A word to that effect from you might reach him.
Your speech should be really helpful. Harcourt might, as you said, be let go soon—his impulsive imagination needs little commentary from you. Hartington is in a tough spot. The Home Rulers on one side and the Disestablishment group on the other are overwhelming for him. Can't you suggest the different types of people he leads—balloonists, sleepwalkers, obsessives, pessimists, and wanderers? As for Gladstone, I think he could be tracked down. The ongoing confusion of an educational mind has left him quiet again. Before he shows up in Midlothian, he needs to decide which belief he will follow. A note from you on that might reach him.
As for your audience, we trust to the generous judgment of a judicial race. Leave the policy in that fashion. It will flatter them.—Believe me, ever yours,
As for your audience, we rely on the fair judgment of a thoughtful group. Leave the strategy that way. It will please them.—Believe me, always yours,
Beaconsfield.
Beaconsfield.
Sir Stafford Northcote to Lord Beaconsfield.
Sir Stafford Northcote to Lord Beaconsfield.
Dublin, Oct. 12.
Dublin, Oct 12.
My Dear Lord Beaconsfield,—I trust you will have seen that I implicitly followed your instructions. I have spoken for hours, and said absolutely nothing; received scores of persons, and let them talk, too, without expressing the slightest opinion; and the result is that I am most popular. Their idea seemed to be that I was preparing some scheme for the relief of distress, and as they were pleased with that notion, I was of course careful not to destroy it. On the whole, I have neither compromised the Government nor myself, which is saying something.—Ever yours,
Dear Lord Beaconsfield,—I hope you’ve noticed that I completely followed your instructions. I’ve talked for hours and said absolutely nothing; welcomed many people, and let them speak without sharing my thoughts; and as a result, I’m quite popular. They seem to believe I’m planning some initiative to help those in need, and since they like that idea, I’ve been sure not to spoil it. Overall, I haven’t compromised either the Government or myself, which is saying something.—Ever yours,
S. Northcote.
S. Northcote.
This last letter refers to Irish affairs, which have given rise to many political skits; one of the most important of these was a pamphlet, published in 1886, by Reeves and Turner, entitled “Opening and Proceedings of the Irish Parliament. Two Visions.” The author, Mr. G. H. Moore, thus describes the plan of his little work:—“In the following pages you are presented with two forecasts of the proceedings of the proposed Irish Parliament, taken from different standpoints. They are intended to illustrate the conflicting opinions entertained of the future, should Mr. Gladstone’s Irish Bills pass into law.
This last letter talks about Irish matters, which have sparked many political parodies; one of the most significant was a pamphlet published in 1886 by Reeves and Turner, titled “Opening and Proceedings of the Irish Parliament. Two Visions.” The author, Mr. G. H. Moore, explains the purpose of his work: “In the following pages, you’ll find two predictions for the activities of the proposed Irish Parliament, presented from different perspectives. They aim to highlight the differing opinions about the future if Mr. Gladstone’s Irish Bills become law.”
The exaggerated fears and gloomy mistrust of the opponents of the measures are ludicrously drawn in one picture; and in the other, the serious hopes and the brighter anticipations of the promoters and supporters of the measures are assumed to have been realised.”
The extreme fears and dark distrust of those against the measures are humorously portrayed in one way; meanwhile, the genuine hopes and more optimistic expectations of the advocates and backers of the measures are assumed to have been achieved.
Articles based on the same idea, appeared in the Topical Times in July 1886, entitled “The Dublin Parliament. A Forecast,” describing the scenes of joy and enthusiasm in the Irish capital on the first assembling of a National Parliament.
Articles based on the same idea appeared in the Topical Times in July 1886, titled “The Dublin Parliament. A Forecast,” describing the scenes of joy and excitement in the Irish capital during the first meeting of a National Parliament.
THE OMNIBUS.
THE BUS.
It is just sixty years ago since this convenient vehicle was introduced into our streets by Mr. J. Shillibeer. The first Omnibus ran from the Yorkshire Stingo in the New Road, to the Bank of England, and the fare was one shilling. The speculation succeeded at once, and the omnibus traffic in London has been rapidly increasing ever since. The following parody on Barry Cornwall’s The Sea! The Sea! is taken from Mr. Hindley’s reprint of Egan’s “Life in London.”
It’s only been sixty years since Mr. J. Shillibeer brought this convenient vehicle to our streets. The first Omnibus ran from the Yorkshire Stingo on the New Road to the Bank of England, and the fare was one shilling. The idea took off immediately, and the omnibus service in London has been growing quickly ever since. The following parody of Barry Cornwall’s The Sea! The Sea! is taken from Mr. Hindley’s reprint of Egan’s “Life in London.”
The original of this song, with other parodies on it, will be found on p. 204, Vol. 4 of this collection.
The original version of this song, along with other parodies, can be found on p. 204, Vol. 4 of this collection.
——:o:——
——:o:——
On page 106 a splendid parody was given of “The House that Jack Built,” entitled The Domicile Erected by John. A correspondent pointed out that this was written by the late Mr. E. L. Blanchard, and on consulting his famous Drury-Lane Annuals, it was discovered as a preface to the Pantomime for 1861-62, styled “Harlequin and the House that Jack built.” Mr. Blanchard’s poem is not quite so long as the version given in Parodies, some ingenious person having undertaken to add to, and improve upon Mr. Blanchard’s work.
On page 106, a fantastic parody of “The House that Jack Built” was presented, titled The Domicile Erected by John. A correspondent noted that this was written by the late Mr. E. L. Blanchard, and upon checking his renowned Drury-Lane Annuals, it was found as a preface to the Pantomime for 1861-62, called “Harlequin and the House that Jack built.” Mr. Blanchard’s poem isn’t quite as long as the version included in Parodies, as some clever person added to and improved upon Mr. Blanchard’s work.
LITERARY FORGERIES AND IMPOSTURES.
Literary forgeries and scams.
Although literary forgeries have undoubtedly some relationship with Parodies, it is of so distant a nature that, even were space available, they could not be dealt with at any length in this Collection. A brief summary of the principal Impostures must therefore suffice, those who wish to learn the details are referred to an interesting little work, entitled Famous Literary Impostures, by H. R. Montgomery. London. E. W. Allen. No date.
Although literary forgeries are definitely related to parodies, the connection is so distant that, even if we had more space, we couldn't explore them in detail in this collection. So, a brief summary of the main impostures will have to do; those who want to know more should check out an intriguing little book called Famous Literary Impostures by H. R. Montgomery. London. E. W. Allen. No date.
(Why do Publishers omit dates?)
Why do publishers skip dates?
Mr. Montgomery’s chapters deal with Thomas Chatterton and the Rowley poems; James Macpherson’s Poems of Ossian; Samuel W. H. Ireland’s Vortigern, and other Shakespearian Forgeries; George Psalmanazar and the Formosa Imposture; and the Bentley and Boyle controversy as to the Epistles of Phalaris.
Mr. Montgomery’s chapters cover Thomas Chatterton and the Rowley poems; James Macpherson’s Poems of Ossian; Samuel W. H. Ireland’s Vortigern and other Shakespearean forgeries; George Psalmanazar and the Formosa hoax; and the Bentley and Boyle debate regarding the Epistles of Phalaris.
Of course had Mr. Montgomery chosen to enlarge his work, he might have made some amusing chapters out of William Lander’s attempt to prove Milton a plagiarist and an impostor; of the Squire letters which deceived Thomas Carlyle; the Shapira M.S.S. which deceived some clever Egyptologists and Antiquarians; the Vrain-Lucas letters which deceived M. Michel Chasles, an eminent French Mathematician; the Shelley forgeries which deceived Robert Browning; and the Donnelly cryptogram which has deceived no one having any knowledge of the life and works of Shakespeare.
Of course, if Mr. Montgomery had decided to expand his work, he could have created some entertaining chapters about William Lander’s attempt to prove that Milton was a plagiarist and a fraud; the Squire letters that fooled Thomas Carlyle; the Shapira manuscripts that tricked some clever Egyptologists and antiquarians; the Vrain-Lucas letters that misled M. Michel Chasles, a prominent French mathematician; the Shelley forgeries that deceived Robert Browning; and the Donnelly cryptogram that has fooled no one knowledgeable about the life and works of Shakespeare.
In Isaac D’Israeli’s Curiosities of Literature there is a short chapter on this topic, principally devoted to instances amongst ancient and foreign writers, with a few remarks about Psalmanazar and William Lander.
In Isaac D’Israeli’s Curiosities of Literature, there’s a short chapter on this topic, mainly focusing on examples from ancient and foreign writers, with a few comments about Psalmanazar and William Lander.
There is also some information to be found in a chapter, called “Supposition d’Auteurs,” in Curiosités Littéraires, par Ludovic Lalanne. Paris, Adolphe Delahays, 1857. This also deals principally with the works of foreign literary Impostors. But by far the most important and most reliable work on the subject is that written by the late M. Octave Delepierre, entitled “Supercheries Littéraires, Pastiches, Suppositions d’Auteur, dans les lettres et dans les Arts.” London, N. Trubner & Co. 1872. Only 200 copies of this valuable work were issued, it is consequently very difficult to procure. Most literary frauds have been exposed, and not a few of the forgers have been punished. Chatterton and Shapira committed suicide, and Vrain-Lucas was sent to prison for two years, and fined 500 francs.
There is also some information available in a chapter called “Supposition d’Auteurs” in Curiosités Littéraires by Ludovic Lalanne. Paris, Adolphe Delahays, 1857. This chapter focuses mainly on the works of foreign literary impostors. However, the most important and trustworthy work on this topic is by the late M. Octave Delepierre, titled “Supercheries Littéraires, Pastiches, Suppositions d’Auteur, dans les lettres et dans les Arts.” London, N. Trubner & Co. 1872. Only 200 copies of this valuable book were published, making it very hard to find. Most literary frauds have been exposed, and several of the forgers have faced consequences. Chatterton and Shapira took their own lives, while Vrain-Lucas was imprisoned for two years and fined 500 francs.
A writer in the Daily News (July 17, 1886) observed: “The motives of the Literary Forger seem obscure to plain people. He has nothing to gain by it all, they say; he does not make money, like the forger of a cheque; he can seldom sell his forgery to advantage, as the latest biblical forger, Shapira, of the sham manuscript gospel, discovered. He merely poisons the very wells of history and throws doubt on all original “sources.” People who reason thus forget that every artist takes joy in his art, and that all art is imitation. The art of the forger is to imitate ancient manuscripts and inscriptions. L’Art pour l’art is his motto. He revels in his own cleverness and power of deceiving others. This is his reward. Thus a famous French archæologist, now dead, took in his own father with some sham Greek inscriptions. Thus William Ireland went on writing Shakespearian autographs, and even Shakespearian manuscript plays, chiefly to satisfy the most tricky sense of humour, and delight in the absurdities of learned men. Probably enough Joe Smith began his Mormon Bible with no serious thought of founding a religion, but merely, as other literary forgers used, for the fun of the thing. Sooner or later these things are found out. They amuse the learned, and no great harm is done. But perhaps the jester Rabelais did not see the jest when he was beguiled into publishing, with grave and learned notes, a classical manuscript which was really the work of two of his contemporaries. These clever ghosts must chuckle still over the trick they played the author of “Pantagruel.” A meaner joke was passed on Meursius, whose respectable name is inextricably associated with a peculiarly abominable Latin work, attributed to him by its actual author, who thus gratified a spite of long standing. Literary forgers are the very Pucks of letters, and all honest men will hope they find their deserts in a Hades of their own.”
A writer in the Daily News (July 17, 1886) noted: “The motives of the literary forger seem unclear to ordinary people. They say he has nothing to gain from it; he doesn’t make money like a check forger; he can rarely sell his forgery for a good price, as the recent biblical forger, Shapira, of the fake manuscript gospel, found out. He simply taints the very sources of history and casts doubt on all original documents. People who think this way forget that every artist finds joy in their craft, and that all art is imitation. The forger's art is to replicate ancient manuscripts and inscriptions. L’Art pour l’art is his motto. He takes pleasure in his own cleverness and ability to deceive others. This is his reward. A well-known French archaeologist, now deceased, even fooled his own father with some fake Greek inscriptions. Similarly, William Ireland continued to create Shakespearean autographs and even Shakespearean manuscript plays, mainly to entertain his own mischievous sense of humor and enjoy the ridiculousness of learned individuals. It’s likely that Joe Smith started his Mormon Bible without any serious intention of founding a religion, but merely for the fun of it, like other literary forgers. Eventually, these things get exposed. They entertain the learned, and no real harm is done. But perhaps the jester Rabelais didn’t see the joke when he was tricked into publishing, with serious and scholarly notes, a classical manuscript that was actually written by two of his contemporaries. These clever impersonators must still be laughing about the prank they pulled on the author of “Pantagruel.” A crueler joke was played on Meursius, whose respectable name is forever linked with a particularly despicable Latin work, attributed to him by its real author, who satisfied a long-held grudge in doing so. Literary forgers are the real Pucks of literature, and all honest people can only hope they get their due in a Hades of their own.”
A BIBLIOGRAPHY OF PARODY AND BURLESQUE.
The approaching completion of the sixth and last volume of Parodies has by no means exhausted the materials which, for five and twenty years past, I have been accumulating. Indeed the subject is inexhaustible, but having given all the best parodies of English and American writers, it only remains now to mention others which were either too long, or too dull, to find a home herein, and to refer briefly to some of the principal Foreign travesties.
The upcoming completion of the sixth and final volume of Parodies has definitely not run out of the material I've been gathering for the past twenty-five years. In fact, the subject is endless, but since I've included all the best parodies from English and American writers, it's now just a matter of mentioning those that were either too long or too boring to fit in here and briefly discussing some of the main foreign parodies.
Only the true book hunter can appreciate the pleasures I have experienced in the never ending search for parodies and burlesques. The difficulty in obtaining some particular volumes, not to be found in the British Museum Library, which might (and sometimes did) turn up in some out-of-the-way old book shop. The delight with which they were carried home, collated, cleaned, patched and mended, to be finally packed off to Zaehnsdorf who clothes them in all the glory of calf and gilt, artistically, as his name does warrant.
Only a real book lover can understand the joys I’ve had in the endless quest for parodies and burlesques. The challenge of finding certain volumes that aren’t in the British Museum Library, which could (and sometimes did) appear in some hidden old bookstore. The joy of bringing them home, sorting through them, cleaning, repairing, and finally sending them off to Zaehnsdorf, who dresses them in all the beauty of calfskin and gold, just as his name promises.
In walking tours in England, in holiday trips on the Continent, and even in the few spare moments stolen to turn aside from the noise and bustle of London city into back streets and dingy alleys; in pawnbrokers, and in secondhand furniture shops, aye, even in rag and waste paper shops, have been gathered up little, dirty, torn odd volumes to add to my store, my beloved Parody Collection. Thus have materials been gathered for such a Collection of Literary trifles and jeux d’esprit as has never yet been published.
In walking tours in England, during holiday trips across Europe, and even in the brief moments I’ve taken to escape the noise and hustle of London into quiet back streets and shabby alleys; in pawnshops, and in secondhand furniture stores, yes, even in rag and waste paper shops, I’ve picked up little, dirty, torn odd volumes to add to my collection, my cherished Parody Collection. This is how materials have been gathered for a Collection of Literary trifles and jeux d’esprit that has never been published before.
London, dear old London! is the paradise of the book hunter, and of the book worm; of the one who buys books, and of the other, who merely reads them. Here all tastes and all purses may be gratified; the rare and costly volumes of the King of Collectors, Bernard Quaritch; the humble “All at 2d. in this Box;” the first editions as collected by Elkin Mathews; or the cheap, but curious volumes to be found in the long book room of honest, kindly John Salkeld in the Clapham Road, whose catalogues (good as they are), but faintly express the wonderful knowledge of books and men he possesses.
London, dear old London! is the paradise for book lovers and avid readers; for those who buy books and those who simply read them. Here, everyone’s preferences and budgets can be satisfied; from the rare and expensive collections of the King of Collectors, Bernard Quaritch, to the humble “All at 2d. in this Box,” the first editions gathered by Elkin Mathews, or the affordable yet interesting books found in the extensive collection of the genuine and friendly John Salkeld on Clapham Road, whose catalogs (as good as they are) barely capture the incredible knowledge of books and people he has.
Next, after London, come the quiet little book stores of the old Cathedral cities, such as Exeter and Canterbury; here, if theology is a trifle too obtrusive, the dealer will soon gauge your appetite, and provide a fitting meal. Then, I would say Paris, but the Paris of to-day is, in this respect, vastly inferior to Paris under the Empire. Then, a stroll along the quays and boulevards led to good sport, for the game was plentiful, and ridiculously cheap. The element of cheapness remains, but the true literary flavour is wanting. Thousands of books, that are not books, school and prize books, old almanacs, dreary directories, medical reports, and soiled copies of trashy novels. These form the bulk.
Next, after London, come the quiet little bookstores of the old Cathedral cities, like Exeter and Canterbury; here, if theology is a bit too prominent, the dealer will quickly figure out your taste and provide a suitable selection. Then, I would mention Paris, but today's Paris is, in this regard, significantly worse than Paris during the Empire. Back then, a walk along the quays and boulevards offered great finds, as the literature was plentiful and absurdly cheap. The element of low prices remains, but the genuine literary vibe is missing. Thousands of books that are not really books—school and prize books, old almanacs, boring directories, medical reports, and worn copies of poorly written novels—make up the majority.
“La Parodie, Monsieur? La Parodie n’existe plus. Il y a trente ans qu’elle est morte dans la France,” was the remark made to me lately by a bookseller in the Galérie D’Orléans. It is but too true, the literary sarcasm, and the pleasant malice of the good old fashioned parody seem indeed to be dead in France.
“La Parodie, Monsieur? La Parodie n’existe plus. Il y a trente ans qu’elle est morte dans la France,” was the comment made to me recently by a bookseller in the Galérie D’Orléans. It’s unfortunately true; the literary sarcasm and the charming wit of the classic parody really do seem to be gone in France.
“Ils se moquent de tous, mais ils ne plaisantent pas,” said another dealer speaking of their authors, and so it happens that in my private collection, but a poor hundred or so of volumes are of French parentage, and the titles of some of these are all that is fit to be read, unless by an enthusiastic student of Rabelais.
“They mock everyone, but they’re not joking,” said another dealer, referring to their authors. As a result, in my private collection, only about a hundred volumes are of French origin, and the titles of some of these are the only things worth reading, unless you're a passionate student of Rabelais.
No mention was made in the prospectus of “Parodies” that Foreign parodies would be included, but a few brief notes as to the principal continental examples may be given, followed by such English works on the subject as have not already been described.
No mention was made in the prospectus of “Parodies” that foreign parodies would be included, but a few brief notes on the main continental examples can be provided, followed by any English works on the subject that have not already been described.
French Parodies and Burlesques.
French Parodies and Skits.
The very first book of reference to be mentioned under this head is La Parodie, chez les Grecs, chez les Romains, et chez les Modernes. Par Octave Delepierre. Londres: Trubner & Cie, 1870. This contains a great deal of information, but it is far from complete.
The first reference book to mention in this context is La Parodie, chez les Grecs, chez les Romains, et chez les Modernes. By Octave Delepierre. London: Trubner & Co, 1870. It contains a lot of information, but it’s not exhaustive.
In Les Curiosités Littéraires par Ludovic Lalanne (Paris, 1857) is a chapter, entitled Du Genre Burlesque in which there is considerable information on Parody in general, and French parody in particular. The first piece mentioned is La Passion de Notre-Seigneur Jésus Christ, en vers burlesques, published in 1649; then come the works of Sarrasin, and of Assouci, the latter wrote Ovide en belle humeur and the Ravissement de Proserpine.
In Les Curiosités Littéraires by Ludovic Lalanne (Paris, 1857), there's a chapter titled Du Genre Burlesque that offers extensive information on parody in general, and French parody specifically. The first work mentioned is La Passion de Notre-Seigneur Jésus Christ, in burlesque verse, published in 1649; then follow the works of Sarrasin and Assouci, the latter of whom wrote Ovide en belle humeur and Ravissement de Proserpine.
La Pharsale de Lucain, en vers enjoués, par Brébeuf, Paris 1655.
La Pharsale de Lucain, in lively verse, by Brébeuf, Paris 1655.
L’Eschole de Salerne, en vers burlesques, par Martin Leydon, 1656.
The School of Salerno, in comic verse, by Martin Leydon, 1656.
Peter Langendik, a Dutch poet, wrote a parody of the fourth book of the Æneid, which he called Enée endimanché; and the Danish poet, the Baron de Holberg, also wrote burlesque translations of parts of Virgil’s great poem.
Peter Langendik, a Dutch poet, created a parody of the fourth book of the Æneid, which he titled Enée endimanché; and the Danish poet, Baron de Holberg, also wrote humorous translations of sections of Virgil’s epic poem.
For details concerning a number of less important French Parodies and Burlesques, see also l’Histoire de la Littérature Comique, and l’Histoire Burlesque, de Flogel.
For details about several lesser-known French parodies and burlesques, check out l’Histoire de la Littérature Comique and l’Histoire Burlesque by Flogel.
Les Odes d’Horace en vers Burlesques. Published at Leyden in 1653.
The Odes of Horace in Burlesque Verse. Published in Leiden in 1653.
L’Odyssie d’Homère en vers Burlesques. Published at Leyden in 1653.
Homer's Odyssey in Humorous Verse. Published in Leyden in 1653.
These small pamphlets were both issued by the same publisher, and are now very rare.
These small pamphlets were published by the same publisher and are now quite rare.
Le Virgile Travesty en vers burlesques, par L’abbé Scarron. This is a burlesque translation of the first seven books and part of the eighth book, of Virgil’s Æneid. He dedicated the first book to the Queen, and subscribed himself thus “Madame, Votre tres humble, tres obeyssant, tres obligé, et tres malade serviteur et sujet.
Le Virgile Travesty written in a humorous style, by Abbot Scarron. This is a humorous translation of the first seven books and part of the eighth book of Virgil’s Æneid. He dedicated the first book to the Queen, and signed off like this: “Ma'am, Your very humble, very obedient, very obliged, and very sick servant and subject.
Scarron, Malade de la Reyne.”
Scarron, Sick of the Queen.”
Scarron did not proceed beyond the first half of the eighth book, several other authors published continuations, but of inferior merit, such were those by Moreau de Brasey, Tellier d’Orville, Brussel and others.
Scarron didn't go past the first half of the eighth book. Several other authors published continuations, but they were of lower quality, including those by Moreau de Brasey, Tellier d’Orville, Brussel, and others.
La Suite du Virgile Travesty de Scarron. En vers burlesques, par Messire Jaques Moreau, Chevalier Seigneur de Brasey. Amsterdam, 1706.
La Suite du Virgile Travesty de Scarron. In humorous verses, by Sir Jacques Moreau, Knight Lord of Brasey. Amsterdam, 1706.
This contains books 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12 of the Æneid.
This includes books 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12 of the Æneid.
Le Virgile dans le Pays Bas, ou le poeme d’Enée travesti en Flamand. Par le Plat du Temple, 3 vols. Bruxelles, 1802.
Le Virgile dans le Pays Bas, or the poem of Aeneas dressed up in Flemish. By le Plat du Temple, 3 vols. Brussels, 1802.
Virgile en France, ou la nouvelle Enëide, par Le Plat du Temple. First published in two volumes in 1807, and 31 next at Offenbach in 1810, in 4 volumes, with very original notes.
Virgil in France, or the New Aeneid, by Le Plat du Temple. First published in two volumes in 1807, and next in Offenbach in 1810, in 4 volumes, with very original notes.
L’Ovide Bouffon, ou les Metamorphoses Travesties, en vers Burlesques. Par L. Richer, Paris. The first edition was published either in 1661 or 1662. The fourth edition was published in 1665, prefaced by an amusing Madrigal written by Scarron.
L’Ovide Bouffon, or the Burlesque Metamorphoses, in Burlesque Verse. By L. Richer, Paris. The first edition was published either in 1661 or 1662. The fourth edition was released in 1665, with a funny Madrigal written by Scarron as the preface.
Young Scarron. By Thomas Mozeen, actor and dramatist, 1752. This was written in imitation of Le Roman Comique of Scarron, to ridicule the lives and manners of stage itinerants, and the strolling players of England.
Young Scarron. By Thomas Mozeen, actor and playwright, 1752. This was written as a parody of Le Roman Comique by Scarron, to mock the lifestyles and behaviors of traveling performers and the wandering actors of England.
La Critique du Tartuffe, en un acte et en vers, a burlesque of Molière.
La Critique du Tartuffe, in one act and in verse, is a parody of Molière.
Le Lutrin; Poeme héroi-comique. Par Nicolas Boileau Despréaux.
Le Lutrin; Heroic-comic Poem. By Nicolas Boileau Despréaux.
This famous burlesque poem, which describes a very simple quarrel between two officials of a country church, is in heroic measure:—
This well-known humorous poem, which depicts a straightforward argument between two officials of a country church, is written in heroic measure:—
Boileau remarks in his Avis au Lecteur:—
Boileau notes in his Avis au Lecteur:—
“C’est un burlesque nouveau dont je me suis avisé en notre langue. Car au lieu que dans l’autre burlesque Didon et Enée parlaient comme des harengères et des crocheteurs, dans celui-ci une perruquière et un perruquier parlent comme Didon et Enée?.”
“It's a new burlesque that I've come up with in our language. Because instead of Dido and Aeneas speaking like fishmongers and cobblers in the other burlesque, in this one, a hairdresser and a wigmaker speak like Dido and Aeneas?”
La Guerre des Dieux, anciens et modernes, Poems en dix Chants. Par Evariste Parny, Membre de l’Academie Française. Paris. L’an Sept.
The War of the Gods, ancient and modern, Poems in ten Songs. By Evariste Parny, Member of the French Academy. Paris. Year Seven.
This is a very profane work, in which the Gods of the Heathen Mythology are brought into contact with Jesus Christ, Mary his Mother, and the Holy Ghost. It has been reprinted in France and Belgium.
This is a very irreverent work, where the gods of pagan mythology interact with Jesus Christ, his mother Mary, and the Holy Spirit. It has been republished in France and Belgium.
Cartouche, ou le vice puni contained a number of parodies of celebrated authors.
Cartouche, ou le vice puni included several parodies of famous authors.
La Messe de Cythère, par “Nobody.” 1801.
La Messe de Cythère, by “Nobody.” 1801.
Les Eternueurs, poeme-parodi burlesque. Paris, 1758.
Les Eternueurs, a burlesque poem parody. Paris, 1758.
Le Petit Neveu de l’Aretin. Parodie burlesque du 4 ieme livre de l’Enéide. Paris, an IX.
Le Petit Neveu de l’Aretin. Burlesque parody of the 4th book of the Aeneid. Paris, year IX.
L’homme des Bois, parodie de L’homme des Champs, de Delille.
L’homme des Bois, a parody of L’homme des Champs, by Delille.
La Pucelle D’Orleans. Poeme, divisé en Vingt et un Chants. Par M. de Voltaire. Paris.
La Pucelle D’Orleans. Poem, divided into Twenty-one Songs. By M. de Voltaire. Paris.
There have been many editions of this licentious poem, some of them fetch very high prices owing to the sumptuous manner in which they were produced.
There have been many editions of this scandalous poem, some of which sell for very high prices because of the lavish way they were made.
La Pucelle was translated into English by a lady of title, but owing to the freedom of the translation it was speedily suppressed, and copies of it are very scarce.
La Pucelle was translated into English by a lady of high status, but because of the liberties taken in the translation, it was quickly banned, and copies of it are quite rare.
La Henriade Travestie, en vers burlesques. En Dix Chants. Par M. de M. (Fougeret de Montbron). Amsterdam, 1762. The first edition was published in 1745. In this the original is parodied almost verse for verse. The author says in his avant-propos:—“J’ose me flatter que Monsieur de Voltaire ne me sçaura point mauvais gré d’avoir mis son Poëme en Vers burlesques. Ce n’est pas faire injure au premier Poëte Français que de le traiter comme on a fait le Prince des Poëtes Latins.” (In allusion to Scarron’s burlesque of Virgil’s Æneid.)
The Henriade in Parody, in humorous verse. In Ten Chapters. By M. de M. (Fougeret de Montbron). Amsterdam, 1762. The first edition was published in 1745. In this, the original is parodied almost line for line. The author states in his foreword:—“I dare to flatter myself that Mr. Voltaire will not take offense at my putting his Poem into burlesque verse. It is not disrespectful to the greatest French Poet to treat him as has been done with the Prince of Latin Poets.” (In reference to Scarron's parody of Virgil's Æneid.)
Voltaire’s tragedy Zaire was burlesqued as “Caquire, Parodie de Zaire,” en cinq actes et en vers. Par M. de Vessaire, 1783. This was a coarse but witty production, even the names of the characters being too foul to reprint. Delepierre says it was written by M. de Combles, and that it was reprinted in 1853 in a small volume with an unmentionable title. The original edition is very rare.
Voltaire’s tragedy Zaire was spoofed as “Caquire, A Parody of Zaire,” in five acts and in verse. By M. de Vessaire, 1783. This was a crude but clever work, with character names too offensive to repeat. Delepierre states it was written by M. de Combles and that it was reprinted in 1853 in a small volume with an unmentionable title. The original edition is very rare.
Les Parodies du Nouveau Théâtre Italien, ou Recueil des Parodies représentées sur le Théâtre de L’Hôtel de Bourgoyne, par les Comédiens Italiens Odinaires du Roy. Three vols. Paris, 1731. Another, and more complete, collection was published in 1738.
The Parodies of the New Italian Theatre, or a Collection of Parodies Performed at the L'Hôtel de Bourgoyne Theatre, by the Royal Italian Comedians. Three vols. Paris, 1731. A different, and more complete, collection was published in 1738.
These burlesques are principally based on French tragedies dealing with legends of the Heathen Mythology. The tragedies of Voltaire are especially singled out for imitation, two being upon Zaire, one called Les Enfants trouvés, another Arlequin au Parnasse.
These burlesques mainly draw from French tragedies that focus on legends of Pagan Mythology. The tragedies of Voltaire are particularly highlighted for imitation, with two about Zaire, one titled Les Enfants trouvés, and another Arlequin au Parnasse.
Voltaire’s tragedy Semiramis was burlesqued under the title Zoramis, which was produced at the Théatre de la Foire, much to his annoyance, for whilst he had written a parody of Ossian’s poems, and a burlesque on Jeanne d’Arc, he could not suffer others to burlesque him.
Voltaire’s play Semiramis was mocked under the title Zoramis, which was staged at the Théatre de la Foire, much to his irritation, because while he had created a parody of Ossian’s poems and a satire on Jeanne d’Arc, he couldn't stand the idea of others making fun of him.
Lettres inédites de Chactas d’Atala, par M. de Chateauterne. Paris. Dentu, 1811. A parody of Chateaubriand’s Atala.
Unpublished Letters of Chactas from Atala, by M. de Chateauterne. Paris. Dentu, 1811. A parody of Chateaubriand’s Atala.
Alala, was also a burlesque of Chateaubriand’s Atala.
Alala was also a parody of Chateaubriand’s Atala.
Agnes de Chaillot, a parody of Lamotte’s tragedy Ines de Castro. This burlesque gave great offence to Lamotte, who styled it “une bouffonerie où l’on essaie de rendre la vertu ridicule.”
Agnes de Chaillot, a parody of Lamotte’s tragedy Ines de Castro. This burlesque deeply offended Lamotte, who called it "a comedy that tries to make goodness seem absurd."
Parodie du Juif Errant, par Ch. Philipon et Louis Huart, avec 300 vignettes par Cham. Brussels, 1845.
Parodie du Juif Errant, by Ch. Philipon and Louis Huart, with 300 illustrations by Cham. Brussels, 1845.
This has been translated into English.
This has been translated into English.
Quelgues Fables de la Fontaine recitées par un Anglais. Par F. Guillot. Paris, 1885.
Some Fables by La Fontaine Recited by an Englishman. By F. Guillot. Paris, 1885.
This absurd little work gives ten of la Fontaine’s fables, with versions of the same as supposed to be recited by an Englishman, having a very imperfect French accent.
This quirky little piece presents ten of La Fontaine's fables, along with versions that are meant to be recited by an Englishman with a pretty bad French accent.
La Rapinéide ou l’Atelier, poeme burlesco-comico-tragique, par un Ancien Rapin des ateliers Gros et Girodet, Paris, 1870.
La Rapinéide ou l’Atelier, a burlesque-comic-tragic poem, by a former Rapin from the studios of Gros and Girodet, Paris, 1870.
Le Récit de Théramene. Parodie par J. Méry. Paris, C. Lévy, 1881.
Le Récit de Théramene. Parody by J. Méry. Paris, C. Lévy, 1881.
The author remarks “Les plus belles choses out eu les honneurs de la parodie. C’est le sort de l’humanité littéraire. Virgile le divin a été parodié par Scarron l’invalide. Le Cid de Corneille a été parodié par Boileau. Chateaubriand a été parodié par M. Chateauterne. Le plus grand poëte qui ait existé depuis Homère et Virgile, Victor Hugo a été parodié par tout le monde. Ainsi les parodies n’ont jamais rien prouvé.”
The author notes "The most beautiful things have always been the target of parody. It's a part of human literary history. The great Virgil was mocked by the disabled Scarron. Corneille’s Cid was parodied by Boileau. Chateaubriand was parodied by Mr. Chateauterne. The greatest poet since Homer and Virgil, Victor Hugo, has been parodied by everyone. So, parodies have never really proven anything."
This celebrated passage, from the tragedy Phèdre, commencing
This celebrated passage, from the tragedy Phèdre, starting
“A peine nous sortions des portes de Trézène,” has been frequently imitated, and Octave Delepierre, in La Parodie cites a very humorous piece written against Caron de Beaumarchais, commencing:—
“A peine nous sortions des portes de Trézène,” has been often copied, and Octave Delepierre, in La Parodie mentions a very funny piece written against Caron de Beaumarchais, starting with:—
Dictionnaire des Gens du Monde, a l’usage de la cour et de la ville. Paris, 1818. A satirical and burlesque dictionary.
Dictionnaire des Gens du Monde, for the use of the court and the city. Paris, 1818. A satirical and humorous dictionary.
A number of illustrated burlesque histories have been published in France with the title Tintamarresque, of which a few of the principal may be noted:—
A number of illustrated burlesque histories have been published in France under the title Tintamarresque, of which a few of the main ones may be noted:—
Le Trocadéroscope. Revue Tintamarresque de l’Exposition Universelle. Paris. 1878. Par Touchatout, avec dessins de A. Le Petit.
Le Trocadéroscope. Tintamarresque Review of the Universal Exposition. Paris. 1878. By Touchatout, with illustrations by A. Le Petit.
Histoire de France Tintamarresque, par Touchatout (Illustrated). Paris. This only brings the history down to the flight of Louis Philippe in 1848.
Histoire de France Tintamarresque, by Touchatout (Illustrated). Paris. This only covers the history up to the exile of Louis Philippe in 1848.
Histoire Tintamarresque de Napoleon III., par Touchatout. Paris, 1877.
Histoire Tintamarresque de Napoleon III., by Touchatout. Paris, 1877.
La Dégringolade Impériale, seconde partie de l’Histoire Tintamarresque de Napoléon III. Par Touchatout. Dessins de G. Lafosse. Paris, 1878.
La Dégringolade Impériale, second part of the Laughable History of Napoleon III. By Touchatout. Illustrations by G. Lafosse. Paris, 1878.
Grande Mythologie Tintamarresque, par Touchatout. Dessins de G. Lafosse et Moloch. Paris, 1881.
Grande Mythologie Tintamarresque, by Touchatout. Illustrations by G. Lafosse and Moloch. Paris, 1881.
It will be readily understood that the gross legends of the Heathen Mythology present topics likely to meet with congenial treatment from a French author and artists, and that consequently this work (although very laughable) is not largely used in ladies boarding schools.
It’s easy to see that the wild stories of Heathen Mythology offer themes that a French author and artists would likely find appealing. Therefore, this work (even though it’s quite funny) isn’t commonly used in girls’ boarding schools.
Histoire Populaire et Tintamarresque de la Belgique, depuis l’époque des forêts vierges jusqu’a celle des tramways. Par Fernand Delisle. Illustreé par Léon Libonis, 2 vols. Brussels.
Histoire Populaire et Tintamarresque de la Belgique, from the time of the virgin forests to the era of trams. By Fernand Delisle. Illustrated by Léon Libonis, 2 vols. Brussels.
Victor Hugo was nothing if not original. He found the French drama restricted by old-fashioned rules, and its poetry cramped and conventional. He selected new metres, and adapted his style to the subjects, relinquishing the solemn but monotonous measure in which Racine, Corneille, and Voltaire had composed their classic tragedies. He did not disdain to press uncouth polysyllables into service when the necessities of rhyming seemed to require it. His style was funnily parodied in the lines—
Victor Hugo was nothing if not original. He felt that French drama was constrained by outdated rules, and its poetry was too rigid and conventional. He chose new meters and adjusted his style to fit the subjects, moving away from the serious but dull rhythm used by Racine, Corneille, and Voltaire in their classic tragedies. He wasn't above using awkward long words when it seemed necessary for rhyming. His style was humorously parodied in the lines
The Atticism of French taste had never been favourable to versification of this kind; and if Victor Hugo had been nothing but an eccentric innovator he would have failed completely. But Victor Hugo wrote great things, and the vagaries of his style were the natural expressions of an original mind; they were not the result of studied affectation. His works in prose, in poetry, and the drama suffered from enthusiastic imitators and professional perverters. His plays have been persistently burlesqued, his tragedy Marie Tudor was parodied under various titles, as “Marie, tu ronfles!” “Marie Dort-tu?” “Marie tu dors encore,” and “Marionette.” His Angelo was burlesqued, as “Cornaro, Tyran pas doux,” his Ruy Blas as “Ruy Blag,” and as “Ruy Black” by Charles Gabet, played at the Folies Bergères April 13, 1872, and as “Ruy Blas d’en Face,” also played in Paris in 1872.
The refined taste of the French has never really supported this kind of poetry; and if Victor Hugo had only been an eccentric innovator, he would have completely failed. But Victor Hugo created remarkable works, and the quirks of his style were genuine reflections of a creative mind; they weren’t just the result of forced affectation. His prose, poetry, and plays faced challenges from overzealous imitators and professional distorters. His plays have been frequently mocked, his tragedy Marie Tudor was parodied under various titles, such as “Marie, you're snoring!” “Marie, are you asleep?” “Marie, are you still sleeping?” and “Marionette.” His Angelo was turned into a spoof called “Cornaro, Tyran pas doux,” his Ruy Blas was altered to “Ruy Blag,” and “Ruy Black” by Charles Gabet, performed at the Folies Bergères on April 13, 1872, and as “Ruy Blas d’en Face,” which was also staged in Paris in 1872.
Ruy Brac, Tourte en cinq Boulettes, avec assaisonnement de gros sel, de vers et de couplets, par Maxime de Redon. Paris, November, 1838.
Ruy Brac, Turkey in five Dumplings, with seasoning of coarse salt, worms, and verses, by Maxime de Redon. Paris, November, 1838.
His Ernani was burlesqued as “Harnali, ou la Contrainte par Cor,” and as “Ni, Ni, ou le Danger des Castilles,” both produced in Paris as far back as 1830.
His Ernani was parodied as “Harnali, or the Constraint by Cor,” and as “Ni, Ni, or the Danger of the Castiles,” both staged in Paris as early as 1830.
The elder Dumas’ play “Quin, ou désordre et génie” was travestied as “Kinne; ou, que de génie en désordre.”
The elder Dumas’ play “Quin, or chaos and genius” was adapted as "Kinne; or, what a genius in chaos."
Numerous other burlesques of the French dramatists exist, most of which are published by Messrs. Tresse and Stock, Galérie du Théâtre-Français, Paris, from whom lists of their theatrical publications (with prices) can be obtained.
Numerous other parodies of the French playwrights exist, most of which are published by Messrs. Tresse and Stock, Galérie du Théâtre-Français, Paris, from whom you can get lists of their theatrical publications (with prices).
When Herr Wagner’s Rienzi was produced at the Théâtre Lyrique some Parisian punster brought out a parody called “Rien! scie en trois actes.” Scie means literally a “saw,” but in French argot it is equivalent to our slang word “sell.”
When Herr Wagner’s Rienzi was performed at the Théâtre Lyrique, a clever Parisian created a parody titled "Nothing! Saw in three acts." Scie literally translates to “saw,” but in French slang, it’s similar to our slang term “sell.”
Travestirte Fabeln des Phadrus, mit einem Anhang Mysterioser Gesange. Karl Dieffenbach. Frankfurt, 1794.
Travestirte Fabeln des Phadrus, mit einem Anhang Mysterioser Gesänge. Karl Dieffenbach. Frankfurt, 1794.
Virgils Æneis travestirt, Von V. Blumauer. Leipzig, 1841.
Virgil's Aeneid Transformed, by V. Blumauer. Leipzig, 1841.
This was a German travesty of Virgil, with numerous very curious and comical illustrations.
This was a German version of Virgil, featuring many interesting and amusing illustrations.
Lovers of parody will find in the feuilleton of the Deutsche Montags Zeitung a series of “Poems and Novels by eminent Hands,” in which the styles of the leading German writers of the day are very happily burlesqued.
Lovers of parody will find in the feuilleton of the Deutsche Montags Zeitung a series of “Poems and Novels by prominent Authors,” where the styles of the leading German writers of the time are cleverly mocked.
As to other German parodies, it must suffice to mention Dr. J. Scheible’s celebrated catalogue of German comic literature, which touches on Parodies and Travesties; and Das Kloster, another work by J. Scheible, published at Stuttgart in 1845. But the art of Parody does not appear to flourish so well in Germany as in France and England.
As for other German parodies, it's enough to mention Dr. J. Scheible’s famous catalog of German comic literature, which covers Parodies and Travesties; and Das Kloster, another work by J. Scheible, released in Stuttgart in 1845. However, the art of Parody doesn’t seem to thrive as much in Germany as it does in France and England.
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ENGLISH BURLESQUE
TRANSLATIONS OF THE CLASSICS.
ENGLISH BURLESQUE
CLASSIC TRANSLATIONS.
(Not Theatrical.)
(Not Theatrical.)
A list of the principal English translations of the ancient classics is given below in the following order: Anacreon, Aristophanes, Aristotle, Æsop, Homer, Horace, Lucian, Ovid and Virgil.
A list of the main English translations of the ancient classics is provided below in this order: Anacreon, Aristophanes, Aristotle, Aesop, Homer, Horace, Lucian, Ovid, and Virgil.
Anacreon in Dublin, with Notes. 1814. Satirical Parodies, dedicated to Lord Byron.
Anacreon in Dublin, with Notes. 1814. Satirical Parodies, dedicated to Lord Byron.
The British Birds. A communication from the Ghost of Aristophanes. By Mortimer Collins. London. The Publishing Company, Limited, 1872. Several extracts from this clever satire have been given in Parodies.
The British Birds. A message from the Ghost of Aristophanes. By Mortimer Collins. London. The Publishing Company, Limited, 1872. Several excerpts from this clever satire have been included in Parodies.
The Art of Pluck, a Treatise after the fashion of Aristotle, writ for the use of Students in the Universities. Oxford, 1843.
The Art of Pluck, a guide in the style of Aristotle, written for the benefit of university students. Oxford, 1843.
Fables by G. Washington Æsop. With humorous illustrations by F. S. Church. London. W. Mack. No date, about 1885.
Fables by G. Washington Æsop. With funny illustrations by F. S. Church. London. W. Mack. No date, around 1885.
Homer Travestie, a Burlesque Translation of Homer, in Hudibrastic verse. By Thomas Bridges.
Homer Travestie, a humorous take on Homer, in Hudibrastic verse. By Thomas Bridges.
Booksellers almost invariably catalogue this as “a work full of humour, but which often transgresses the bounds of decency,” a stolen phrase which very inadequately describes its coarseness. The first volume of this translation appeared in 1762 with the facetious title “A New Translation of Homer’s Iliad, adapted to the capacity of Honest English Roast Beef and Pudding Eaters, by Caustic Barebones, a broken apothecary.”
Booksellers almost always describe this as “a work full of humor, but which often crosses the line of decency,” a borrowed phrase that inadequately captures its coarseness. The first volume of this translation was published in 1762 with the humorous title “A New Translation of Homer’s Iliad, adapted to the understanding of Honest English Roast Beef and Pudding Eaters, by Caustic Barebones, a disgraced apothecary.”
Homer à la Mode. A Mock Poem upon the First and Second Books of Homer’s Iliads. Anonymous. Oxford, R. Davis. 1664.
Homer à la Mode. A Satirical Poem on the First and Second Books of Homer’s Iliads. Anonymous. Oxford, R. Davis. 1664.
Homer for the Holidays. By a Boy of Twelve. (Richard Doyle). London. “Pall Mall Gazette” Office, 1887. Fifteen very humorous plates to illustrate Homer’s Iliad.
Homer for the Holidays. By a Boy of Twelve. (Richard Doyle). London. “Pall Mall Gazette” Office, 1887. Fifteen very funny illustrations to depict Homer’s Iliad.
The Odes of Horace, with a translation of Dr. Bentley’s Notes, and Notes upon Notes; Done in the Bentleian Stile and Manner. London. Bernard Lintott. 1712. This contained a burlesque criticism by Oldisworth on Dr. Bentley’s Horace. It was published in twenty-four parts.
The Odes of Horace, featuring a translation of Dr. Bentley’s Notes, along with additional Notes; Presented in the Bentleian Style and Manner. London. Bernard Lintott. 1712. This included a humorous critique by Oldisworth on Dr. Bentley’s Horace. It was released in twenty-four parts.
The Art of Politics, in imitation of the Art of Poetry. James Bramestone. Dublin, 1729.
The Art of Politics, modeled after the Art of Poetry. James Bramestone. Dublin, 1729.
Horace in London: consisting of Imitations of the First Two Books of the Odes of Horace. By James and Horace Smith. London, 1815.
Horace in London: featuring adaptations of the first two books of Horace’s Odes. By James and Horace Smith. London, 1815.
Railway Horace. By G. Chichester Oxenden. London: Upham and Beet. 1862.
Railway Horace. By G. Chichester Oxenden. London: Upham and Beet. 1862.
Horace at the University of Athens, (Ascribed to Sir George Otto Trevelyan.) Cambridge: Jonathan Palmer. 1862. Contains several excellent parodies.
Horace at the University of Athens, (Attributed to Sir George Otto Trevelyan.) Cambridge: Jonathan Palmer. 1862. Contains several great parodies.
This collection is in two parts, the first being simple translations, the second part being made up of burlesques, imitations, and satires founded upon the Odes of Horace. The best of these were written by the authors of The Rejected Addresses, James and Horace Smith.
This collection has two parts: the first part contains straightforward translations, while the second part consists of parodies, imitations, and satires based on the Odes of Horace. The finest of these were created by the authors of The Rejected Addresses, James and Horace Smith.
Lexiphanes, a Dialogue, imitated from Lucian, and suited to the present Times, with a dedication to Lord Lyttleton. 1767. A piece of satire directed against Dr. Johnson by one Archibald Campbell.
Lexiphanes, a Dialogue, inspired by Lucian, and adapted to modern times, with a dedication to Lord Lyttleton. 1767. A satirical work targeting Dr. Johnson by Archibald Campbell.
The Sale of Authors. A Dialogue in imitation of Lucian. 1767.
The Sale of Authors. A Dialogue in the style of Lucian. 1767.
The New Lucian, being a Series of Dialogues of the Dead. By H. D. Traill. London, 1884.
The New Lucian, a Series of Dialogues of the Dead. By H. D. Traill. London, 1884.
Burlesque upon Burlesque: or, the Scoffer Scoff’d. Being some of Lucian’s Dialogues newly put into English Fustian, for the Consolation of those who had rather Laugh and be Merry, than be Merry and Wise. By Charles Cotton. London.
Burlesque upon Burlesque: or, the Scoffer Scoff’d. Being some of Lucian’s Dialogues newly translated into English Fustian, for the Comfort of those who would rather Laugh and be Merry, than be Merry and Wise. By Charles Cotton. London.
Ovid Travestie, a Burlesque upon Ovid’s Epistles. By (Captain) Alexander Radcliffe. London, J. Tonson. 1680.
Ovid Travestie, a parody of Ovid’s letters. By (Captain) Alexander Radcliffe. London, J. Tonson. 1680.
The Wits Paraphras’d; or, Paraphrase upon Paraphrase. In a Burlesque on the several late translations of Ovid’s Epistles. London, 1680.
The Wits Paraphras’d; or, Paraphrase upon Paraphrase. In a humorous take on the various recent translations of Ovid’s Epistles. London, 1680.
Ovid in London: Ludicrous Poem in Six Cantos. By a Member of the University of Oxford. London: W. Anderson, 1814.
Ovid in London: Funny Poem in Six Cantos. By a Member of the University of Oxford. London: W. Anderson, 1814.
Scarronides: or, Virgil Travestie. A Mock Poem on the First and Fourth Books of Virgil’s “Æneis” in English Burlesque. By Charles Cotton. London, 1670. There have been many editions of this burlesque.
Scarronides: or, Virgil Travestie. A funny poem based on the First and Fourth Books of Virgil’s “Æneis” in English parody. By Charles Cotton. London, 1670. There have been many editions of this parody.
A Kerry Pastoral, in imitation of the First Eclogue of Virgil. Edited by T. C. Croker. (Reprint 1843).
A Kerry Pastoral, inspired by the First Eclogue of Virgil. Edited by T. C. Croker. (Reprint 1843).
Maronides, or Virgil Travestie, being a New Paraphrase upon Book V. of Virgil’s Æneids, in Burlesque Verse. By John Phillips. 1672.
Maronides, or Virgil Travestie, is a new paraphrase of Book V. of Virgil’s Æneids, written in a humorous style. By John Phillips. 1672.
The Canto added by Maphœus to Virgil’s Twelve Books of Æneas, from the original Bombastic, done into English Hudibrastic; with Notes beneath, and Latin text in every other page annextx By John Ellis. 1758.
The Canto added by Maphœus to Virgil’s Twelve Books of Æneas, from the original Bombastic, translated into English Hudibrastic; with notes below and the Latin text on every other page attached. By John Ellis. 1758.
Those who wish to see an almost perfect specimen of a classical parody must turn to Blackwood’s Edinburgh Magazine, July 1823, in which they will find
Those who want to see an almost perfect example of a classical parody should check out Blackwood’s Edinburgh Magazine, July 1823, where they will find
An Idyl on the Battle.
A Battle Idyl.
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Understood. Please provide the text you would like me to modernize.
In a somewhat similar vein of parody is Tom Moore’s Milling-Match between Entellus and Dares. Translated from the Fifth book of the Æneid.
In a somewhat similar style of parody is Tom Moore’s Milling-Match between Entellus and Dares. Translated from the Fifth book of the Æneid.
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Sure! Please provide the short piece of text you'd like me to modernize.
A Free and Independent Translation of the First and Fourth Books of the Æneid of Virgil. In Hexameter and Pentameter. With Illustrations by Thomas Worth. The Winsted Herald Office, Winsted, Conn. U.S.A. 1870.
A Free and Independent Translation of the First and Fourth Books of the Æneid of Virgil. In Hexameter and Pentameter. With Illustrations by Thomas Worth. The Winsted Herald Office, Winsted, Conn. U.S.A. 1870.
This is a burlesque in “Modern American,” with very comical woodcuts.
This is a humorous take in "Modern American," featuring very funny illustrations.
The Siege of Oxford. Fragments from the second book of the “Nova Æneis.” Oxford: F. Macpherson. 1852.
The Siege of Oxford. Fragments from the second book of the “Nova Æneis.” Oxford: F. Macpherson. 1852.
Georgics of Bacchicles. In Three Books. Now first published in the English tongue. Oxford, T. Shrimpton.
Georgics of Bacchicles. In Three Books. Now first published in English. Oxford, T. Shrimpton.
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Many of the beautiful legends of the old Grecian mythology have been chosen as the themes for burlesques, both poetical and dramatic.
Many of the beautiful legends from ancient Greek mythology have been selected as themes for both poetic and dramatic parodies.
A list of the dramatic burlesques will be given later on, of the poetical mythological burlesques many may be found in Punch, and the other comic papers; the following originally appeared in the Hornet:
A list of the dramatic burlesques will be provided later, while you can find many of the poetic mythological burlesques in Punch and other comic magazines; the following was originally published in the Hornet:
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Arundines Cami sive Musarum Cantabrigiensium Lusus Canori. Henricus Drury, A.M. Cambridge. Parker and Son. 1841.
Arundines Cami or the Playful Songs of the Cambridge Muses. Henry Drury, A.M. Cambridge. Parker and Son. 1841.
This contains Latin versions of all the most celebrated short English poems, including Gray’s Elegy, the Burial of Sir John Moore, and some nursery rhymes.
This includes Latin translations of all the most famous short English poems, such as Gray’s Elegy, the Burial of Sir John Moore, and a few nursery rhymes.
Before leaving the Classics mention must be made of a curious branch of poetry entitled Macaronic verse. Examples of this, and many of them very ingenious, are to be found in Poetical Ingenuities and Eccentricities selected by William T. Dobson. London. Chatto and Windus, 1882.
Before we move on from the Classics, it's important to highlight a fascinating type of poetry called Macaronic verse. You can find examples of this, many of which are quite clever, in Poetical Ingenuities and Eccentricities selected by William T. Dobson. London. Chatto and Windus, 1882.
Octave Delepierre also wrote several essays on the subject, the principal being entitled Littérature Macaronique.
Octave Delepierre also wrote several essays on the subject, the main one titled Littérature Macaronique.
One of the best of these literary curiosities is a small pamphlet (to be had of Mr. J. Vincent, Oxford,) entitled—
One of the best of these literary curiosities is a small pamphlet (available from Mr. J. Vincent, Oxford,) titled—
“Uniomachia; a Greek-Latin Macaronic Poem,” by Thomas Jackson, M.A. This was originally published in 1833, with a translation into English verse (after the manner of the late ingenious Mr. Alexander Pope), styled “The Battle at the Union.”
“Uniomachia; a Greek-Latin Macaronic Poem,” by Thomas Jackson, M.A. This was originally published in 1833, along with a translation into English verse (in the style of the late clever Mr. Alexander Pope), titled “The Battle at the Union.”
Another humorous pamphlet also published by Vincent, Viae per Angliam Ferro Stratae, and written by Mr. Fanshawe of Baliol College in 1841, was a comical skit on the early railways, in Latin hexameters.
Another humorous pamphlet also published by Vincent, Viae per Angliam Ferro Stratae, and written by Mr. Fanshawe of Baliol College in 1841, was a funny take on the early railways, written in Latin hexameters.
Many Macaronic poems have appeared in Punch from time to time, to the great delight and amusement of classical scholars. The following, published in March, 1852, is a fine example of this class of learned frivolity:—
Many Macaronic poems have appeared in Punch over the years, much to the delight and amusement of classical scholars. The following, published in March 1852, is a great example of this type of learned frivolousness:—
——:o:——
——:o:——
The Oldest Classical Burlesque.
The Oldest Classical Burlesque.
Batrachomyomachia is the cheerful title of the oldest burlesque extant, and even if we do not accept the tradition which assigns its composition to Homer, we may safely consider it to be the earliest of the many travesties of the heroic style of the “Iliad” and “Odyssey.”
Batrachomyomachia is the fun title of the oldest surviving parody, and even if we don’t believe the tradition that says Homer wrote it, we can confidently think of it as the first among the many spoofs of the heroic style found in the “Iliad” and “Odyssey.”
According to Plutarch, the real author was one Pigres, of Halicarnassus, who flourished during the Persian war. Statius conjectures that Homer wrote it when a youth, as a trial of his poetical powers; whilst the author of one of finest English translations of Homer, George Chapman, asserts that the work was composed in his old age; when, disgusted with the neglect and ingratitude of his contemporaries, he set to work to show that he could elevate and dignify the wars and struggles of insignificant animals, as he had previously described the heroic actions of the Greeks and Trojans.
According to Plutarch, the actual author was a guy named Pigres from Halicarnassus, who lived during the Persian war. Statius speculates that Homer wrote it as a young man, testing his poetic abilities; meanwhile, one of the best English translators of Homer, George Chapman, claims that he wrote it in his old age, feeling frustrated with the neglect and ingratitude of his peers. He set out to demonstrate that he could elevate and dignify the wars and struggles of lowly creatures, just as he had previously portrayed the heroic deeds of the Greeks and Trojans.
Samuel Wesley published an English translation of the Batrachomyomachia, which he called “The Iliad in a Nutshell.” He speaks of it “as perhaps the best, as well as the oldest burlesque in the world.”
Samuel Wesley published an English translation of the Batrachomyomachia, which he called “The Iliad in a Nutshell.” He describes it “as probably the best, as well as the oldest burlesque in the world.”
The following is a synopsis of the plot of this poem, generally known as the Battle of the Frogs and Mice.
The following is a summary of the plot of this poem, generally known as the Battle of the Frogs and Mice.
A mouse, having just escaped the pursuit of a hungry weasel, stays by the edge of a pond to drink and take breath, when a frog swims up, enters into conversation, and invites the mouse to visit his abode. The mouse consents, and mounts upon the back of the frog, who swims into the middle of the pool. Suddenly an otter appears, the terrified frog dives to the bottom, leaving the mouse to struggle with the foaming billows. Unable to reach the shore, he sinks to a watery grave; a comrade who had arrived at the brink too late to be of service, hastens to relate the pitiful tale to a council of his fellows, and war is at once declared against the Frogs.
A mouse, having just escaped from a hungry weasel, stops by the edge of a pond to drink and catch its breath when a frog swims up, strikes up a conversation, and invites the mouse to visit his home. The mouse agrees and hops onto the frog's back, who then swims into the middle of the pond. Suddenly, an otter appears, and the frightened frog dives to the bottom, leaving the mouse to struggle in the turbulent waters. Unable to reach the shore, he sinks to a watery grave; a friend who arrived at the edge too late to help rushes to tell the sad story to a gathering of his peers, and war is immediately declared against the frogs.
Jupiter and the gods deliberate in Olympus on the issue of the contest. Mars and Minerva decline personal interference, partly from awe inspired by such mighty combatants, and partly from the ill will they bear towards the contending parties.
Jupiter and the gods discuss the contest in Olympus. Mars and Minerva choose not to get personally involved, partly out of respect for such powerful competitors and partly due to their dislike for the parties involved.
A band of mosquitoes sound the war-alarum with their trumpets, and, after a bloody engagement, the frogs are defeated with great slaughter. Jupiter, sympathising with their fate, endeavours in vain by his thunders to intimidate the victors from further pursuit. The rescue of the frogs is at last effected by an army of landcrabs, which marches up, attacks the mice, and drives them from the field in great disorder.
A swarm of mosquitoes sounds the alarm with their buzzing, and after a fierce battle, the frogs are defeated with heavy losses. Jupiter, feeling sorry for them, tries in vain to scare off the victors with his thunder. Finally, the frogs are saved by a group of land crabs that come in, attack the mice, and force them off the battlefield in chaos.
Wesley’s translation of the dénouement is a specimen of the mock-heroic style which runs through the original:—
Wesley's translation of the dénouement is an example of the mock-heroic style that flows throughout the —
Burlesques of Educational Works
Satirical Takes on Educational Works
Guides, Tutors’ Assistants, and Histories.
In Alphabetical Order.
Guides, Teaching Assistants, and Histories.
In Alphabetical Order.
The Art of Pluck. Being a Treatise after the Fashion of Aristotle; writ for the use of Students in the Universities. By Scriblerus Redivivus. (This clever work was written by the Rev. Edward Caswell, and first published in 1835. It has run through many editions, and can still be obtained from Mr. J. Vincent, Bookseller, Oxford.)
The Art of Pluck. A Guide in the Style of Aristotle; written for University Students. By Scriblerus Redivivus. (This clever work was authored by Rev. Edward Caswell and first published in 1835. It has gone through many editions and is still available from Mr. J. Vincent, Bookseller, Oxford.)
The Book of Fun; or, Laugh and Learn. London: James Gilbert. This contained “The Illustrated English Grammar;” “Rhetoric and Elocution;” “Illustrated Arithmetic or, Cyphering made Comical;” “The Comic History of Rome, and the Rumuns.” These were all humourously illustrated.
The Book of Fun; or, Laugh and Learn. London: James Gilbert. This included “The Illustrated English Grammar,” “Rhetoric and Elocution,” “Illustrated Arithmetic or, Cyphering made Comical,” and “The Comic History of Rome, and the Rumuns.” All of these were humorously illustrated.
Catalogue of the Valuable Contents of Strawberry Hill, the Seat of Horace Walpole, 24 days’ sale, by Mr. George Robins. This catalogue is often accompanied by the humorous parody: “Specimen of the Catalogue of the Great Sale at Goosebery Hall, with Puffatory Remarks.”
Catalogue of the Valuable Contents of Strawberry Hill, the home of Horace Walpole, 24 days of sales, by Mr. George Robins. This catalogue is often paired with the funny parody: “Specimen of the Catalogue of the Great Sale at Gooseberry Hall, with Puffatory Remarks.”
The Comic Blackstone. By Gilbert Abbot à Beckett, with illustrations by George Cruikshank. London: Bradbury, Agnew & Co. Mr. G. A. à Beckett was fully qualified by his education as a barrister, and his practice as a Metropolitan Police Magistrate, to discourse learnedly of the law. He died in August, 1856.
The Comic Blackstone. By Gilbert Abbot à Beckett, with illustrations by George Cruikshank. London: Bradbury, Agnew & Co. Mr. G. A. à Beckett was well-educated as a barrister and had experience as a Metropolitan Police Magistrate, making him qualified to speak knowledgeably about the law. He passed away in August 1856.
31 In 1887 his son, Mr. Arthur W. à Beckett, brought out a new, and enlarged edition of The Comic Blackstone, with illustrations by Mr. Harry Furniss. This was also published by Bradbury, Agnew & Co.
31 In 1887, his son, Mr. Arthur W. à Beckett, released a new, expanded edition of The Comic Blackstone, with illustrations by Mr. Harry Furniss. This was also published by Bradbury, Agnew & Co.
Caricature History of the Georges; or, Annals of the House of Hanover, compiled by Thomas Wright, F. S. A. London: John Camden Hotten. Illustrated.
Caricature History of the Georges; or, Annals of the House of Hanover, compiled by Thomas Wright, F. S. A. London: John Camden Hotten. Illustrated.
The original edition appeared as early as 1849, but Hotten’s later reprint was more complete.
The original edition came out back in 1849, but Hotten’s later reprint was more thorough.
Catalogue of the Valuable Contents of Strawberry Hill, the Seat of Horace Walpole, 24 days sale, by Mr. George Robins, 1842.
Catalogue of the Valuable Contents of Strawberry Hill, the residence of Horace Walpole, 24 days of sale, by Mr. George Robins, 1842.
Inserted in this is sometimes found a humorous parody on the Sale Catalogue. “Specimen of the Catalogue of the Great Sale at Gooseberry Hall, with Puffatory Remarks.”
Inserted in this is sometimes found a funny parody of the Sale Catalogue. “Sample of the Catalogue of the Great Sale at Gooseberry Hall, with Exaggerated Remarks.”
The Comic Bradshaw; or, Bubbles from the Boiler. By Angus B. Reach. Illustrated by H. G. Hine. London: David Bogue, 1848.
The Comic Bradshaw; or, Bubbles from the Boiler. By Angus B. Reach. Illustrated by H. G. Hine. London: David Bogue, 1848.
This little pamphlet has no connection with the tedious and complicated book of reference alluded to in the title. It contains several parodies.
This little pamphlet has no connection to the boring and complicated reference book mentioned in the title. It contains several parodies.
The Comic Cocker; or, Figures for the Million. With illustrations. This was published, without any author’s name or date, by Ward and Lock, London. It was probably written by Alfred Crowquill, i.e. A. H. Forrester.
The Comic Cocker; or, Figures for the Million. With illustrations. This was published, without any author’s name or date, by Ward and Lock, London. It was probably written by Alfred Crowquill, i.e. A. H. Forrester.
The Comic English Grammar; a new and facetious introduction to the English tongue. By “Paul Prendergast,” i.e., Mr. Percival Leigh. With illustrations by John Leech. London: 1840. There have been numerous editions of this work.
The Comic English Grammar; a fresh and humorous introduction to the English language. By “Paul Prendergast,” i.e., Mr. Percival Leigh. With illustrations by John Leech. London: 1840. There have been many editions of this work.
Comic Etiquette Illustrated; or, Hints how to Conduct Oneself in the Best Society, by an X.M.C. With sketches by T. Onwhyn. Very scarce. About 1840.
Comic Etiquette Illustrated; or, Tips on How to Behave in the Best Society, by an X.M.C. With sketches by T. Onwhyn. Very rare. Around 1840.
The Comic Etiquette; or, Manners for the Million. By “A Nice Young Man.” With numerous illustrations. London: Diprose and Bateman.
The Comic Etiquette; or, Manners for the Million. By “A Nice Young Man.” With many illustrations. London: Diprose and Bateman.
The Comic Guide to the Royal Academy for 1864. By the Gemini. Illustrated. London: John Nichols, 1864.
The Comic Guide to the Royal Academy for 1864. By the Gemini. Illustrated. London: John Nichols, 1864.
The Comic History of England. By Gilbert Abbott à Beckett. With illustrations by John Leech. London: Bradbury, Agnew and Co., 1847-8.
The Comic History of England. By Gilbert Abbott à Beckett. With illustrations by John Leech. London: Bradbury, Agnew and Co., 1847-8.
The Comic History of England. By O. P. Q. Philander Smiff. With illustrations. London: Myra and Son. (This originally appeared in Figaro.)
The Comic History of England. By O. P. Q. Philander Smiff. With illustrations. London: Myra and Son. (This originally appeared in Figaro.)
The Comic History of England, Ireland, and Scotland. London: Diprose and Bateman.
The Comic History of England, Ireland, and Scotland. London: Diprose and Bateman.
A Comic History of France. By O. P. Q. Philander Smiff. With sketches in French chalks. London: Myra and Son, 1888.
A Comic History of France. By O. P. Q. Philander Smiff. With sketches in French chalks. London: Myra and Son, 1888.
Ye Comic History of Heraldry. By R. H. Edgar. Illustrated by William Vine. London: William Tegg and Co., 1878. Unlike most “comic” histories, this contains some useful information for the student of heraldry.
Ye Comic History of Heraldry. By R. H. Edgar. Illustrated by William Vine. London: William Tegg and Co., 1878. Unlike most "comic" histories, this one includes useful information for anyone studying heraldry.
The Comic History of London, from the Earliest Period. By Walter Parke. With numerous illustrations. London: “Boys of England” Office.
The Comic History of London, from the Earliest Period. By Walter Parke. With many illustrations. London: “Boys of England” Office.
Ye Comick Historie of ye Citie of London. By Gog and Magog. With illustrations. London: J. A. Brook & Co., 1878.
The Comic History of the City of London. By Gog and Magog. With illustrations. London: J. A. Brook & Co., 1878.
The Comic History of Rome. By Gilbert Abbott à Beckett. With illustrations by John Leech. London: Bradbury, Agnew & Co., 1850.
The Comic History of Rome. By Gilbert Abbott à Beckett. With illustrations by John Leech. London: Bradbury, Agnew & Co., 1850.
The Comic History of the Russian War, poetically and pictorially described by Percy Cruikshank. With plates. About 1856.
The Comic History of the Russian War, creatively and visually captured by Percy Cruikshank. With illustrations. About 1856.
Comic Illustrated Multiplication. By Buz and Fuz. Illustrated. London: Dean & Son. (No date.)
Comic Illustrated Multiplication. By Buz and Fuz. Illustrated. London: Dean & Son. (No date.)
The Comic Latin Grammar; a new and facetious introduction to the Latin tongue. By Paul Prendergast. With illustrations by John Leech. (“Paul Prendergast” was Mr. Percival Leigh, a contributor to Punch from its commencement.) London: 1840.
The Comic Latin Grammar; a fresh and humorous introduction to the Latin language. By Paul Prendergast. With illustrations by John Leech. (“Paul Prendergast” was Mr. Percival Leigh, a contributor to Punch from its beginning.) London: 1840.
A Companion to the Guide; and a Guide to the Companion; being a complete supplement to all the accounts of Oxford hitherto published. This satire on the Guide to Oxford was published anonymously in 1760. It was written by the Rev. Thomas Warton.
A Companion to the Guide; and a Guide to the Companion; serving as a complete supplement to all previously published accounts of Oxford. This satire on the Guide to Oxford was published anonymously in 1760. It was written by the Rev. Thomas Warton.
Craniology Burlesqued, in three Serio-Comic Lectures, recommended to the Patronage of Drs. Gall and Spurzheim, by a Friend to Common Sense. London, 1818.
Craniology Burlesqued, in three Serious-Funny Lectures, recommended to the Support of Drs. Gall and Spurzheim, by a Friend of Common Sense. London, 1818.
Cricket. Edited by G. Hutchison, 1888. This contained several parodies.
Cricket. Edited by G. Hutchison, 1888. This included several parodies.
Cricketers Guyed for 1886. By W. Sapte, Jun. With cuts. London: J. & R. Maxwell, 1886. This contains some valuable information for cricketers, given in a bright and humorous style.
Cricketers Guyed for 1886. By W. Sapte, Jun. With illustrations. London: J. & R. Maxwell, 1886. This book offers some valuable information for cricketers, presented in a lively and humorous manner.
The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Esq., while an Undergraduate at Cambridge. Cambridge: J. Palmer, 1866.
The Diary of Samuel Pepys, Esq., while an Undergraduate at Cambridge. Cambridge: J. Palmer, 1866.
Drawing for the Million; or, Laugh and Learn. London: Diprose & Bateman.
Drawing for the Million; or, Laugh and Learn. London: Diprose & Bateman.
England’s Reformation, from the time of Henry the Eighth to the end of Oates’s Plot. By T. Ward. A Hudibrastic poem describing the reformation from a Roman Catholic point of view. First published about 1700.
England’s Reformation, from the time of Henry the Eighth to the end of Oates’s Plot. By T. Ward. A humorous poem describing the reformation from a Roman Catholic perspective. First published around 1700.
English as She is Taught; being genuine answers to Examination questions in our Public Schools. Collected by Caroline B. Le Row, with a Commentary thereon by Mark Twain. London: T. Fisher Unwin, 1887.
English as She is Taught; being genuine answers to Examination questions in our Public Schools. Collected by Caroline B. Le Row, with a Commentary thereon by Mark Twain. London: T. Fisher Unwin, 1887.
Mark Twain’s article on this subject had first appeared in the Century Magazine for April, 1887.
Mark Twain’s article on this topic was first published in the Century Magazine in April 1887.
English as She is Wrote, showing curious ways in which the English language may be made to convey ideas or obscure them. London: G. Routledge & Sons.
English as She is Wrote, demonstrating interesting methods by which the English language can express ideas or obscure them. London: G. Routledge & Sons.
This contained some curious Signboards, Advertisements, Epitaphs, and Parodies.
This included some interesting signs, ads, memorial inscriptions, and parodies.
Freaks and Follies of Fabledom; a Little Lemprière, or Mythology made easy. London: John Ollivier, 1852. This is really a drawing-room Mythology.
Freaks and Follies of Fabledom; a Little Lemprière, or Mythology made easy. London: John Ollivier, 1852. This is basically a casual guide to Mythology.
Fun’s Academy Skits. Skitched by Gordon Thomson, with Notes by “Nestor.” London: “Fun” Office, 1881 and 1882. These contained numerous parodies, both poetical and pictorial.
Fun’s Academy Skits. Sketched by Gordon Thomson, with Notes by “Nestor.” London: “Fun” Office, 1881 and 1882. These included many parodies, both written and illustrated.
Games made Game of. By Two Game Cocks. (Chess, Billiards, Cribbage, Forfeits, Cricket, Football, &c.) London: James Allen, 1857.
Games made Game of. By Two Game Cocks. (Chess, Billiards, Cribbage, Forfeits, Cricket, Football, etc.) London: James Allen, 1857.
The Gladstone A. B. C. Illustrated. Edinburgh: W. Blackwood & Sons. (No date, but about 1884.)
The Gladstone A. B. C. Illustrated. Edinburgh: W. Blackwood & Sons. (No date, but around 1884.)
The Great Exhibition “Wot is to be; or, probable results of the Industry of all Nations.” By George Augustus Sala. London: 1851.
The Great Exhibition “What is to be; or, probable results of the Industry of all Nations.” By George Augustus Sala. London: 1851.
Harry Furniss’s Royal Academy. An Artistic Joke. A Catalogue of the Exhibition, containing over Eighty illustrations after the Artists. London: 1887.
Harry Furniss’s Royal Academy. An Artistic Joke. A Catalogue of the Exhibition, containing over eighty illustrations by the artists. London: 1887.
Harry Furniss’s illustrations were parodies of paintings by the most famous artists of the day.
Harry Furniss’s illustrations were humorous takes on the paintings of the most famous artists of his time.
The Heraldry of Nature, comprising the Arms, Supporters, 31 Crests, and Mottoes of the English Peers, descriptive of their several qualities. With plates. London: 1785. A very satirical work; the following was the description it gave of the Arms of the dissolute Prince of Wales, afterwards George IV.: First, azure, the prince’s cap, feathers disordered; second argent, four decanters azure; third gules, a fringed petticoat between three maidens’ heads; fourth, sable, the ace of spades proper; fifth argent, a horse courant between three rattles; sixth gules, a quiver, the arrows scattered.
The Heraldry of Nature, featuring the Arms, Supporters, 31 Crests, and Mottoes of the English Peers, describing their various qualities. With illustrations. London: 1785. A highly satirical work; the following was the description it provided for the Arms of the reckless Prince of Wales, who later became George IV.: First, blue, the prince's cap, feathers out of place; second white, four blue decanters; third red, a fringed petticoat between three maidens’ heads; fourth black, the ace of spades as it is; fifth white, a running horse between three rattles; sixth red, a quiver with arrows scattered.
Supporters. The dexter, Cupid; the sinister, a monkey.
Supporters. On the right, Cupid; on the left, a monkey.
Crest. A deer wounded.
Crest. A wounded deer.
Motto. Fions à l’avenir.
Motto. Let's shape the future.
Hints on Etiquette, for the University of Oxford; to which are added some remarks on “Honour.” By Professor Taglioni Jonez. Oxford, 1838. This has been frequently reprinted, and can still be obtained from Mr. J. Vincent.
Hints on Etiquette, for the University of Oxford; to which are added some remarks on “Honour.” By Professor Taglioni Jonez. Oxford, 1838. This has been frequently reprinted and is still available from Mr. J. Vincent.
Hints to Freshmen in the University of Oxford. Oxford: J. Vincent. This humorous work has been ascribed to Canon Hole. In addition to the “Hints to Freshmen,” it contains nine excellent poetical parodies, extracts from which have already been quoted in this Collection.
Hints to Freshmen in the University of Oxford. Oxford: J. Vincent. This funny work is attributed to Canon Hole. Along with the “Hints to Freshmen,” it includes nine great poetic parodies, excerpts from which have already been mentioned in this Collection.
History of the Decline and Fall of the British Empire. By Edwarda Gibbon (Auckland, A.D. 2884.) London: Field & Tuer, 1884.
History of the Decline and Fall of the British Empire. By Edward Gibbon (Auckland, CE 2884.) London: Field & Tuer, 1884.
Homburg no Humbug; ye Diarie of Mr. Pips while there, with plates. London, 1867.
Homburg no Humbug; the Diary of Mr. Pips while he was there, with illustrations. London, 1867.
Leading Cases done into English. By an Apprentice of Lincoln’s Inn. (Said to be Professor Pollock). London: Macmillan & Co. 1876.
Leading Cases done into English. By an Apprentice of Lincoln’s Inn. (Reported to be Professor Pollock). London: Macmillan & Co. 1876.
Manners and Customs of ye Englishe, drawn from ye Quicke, to which is added some Extracts from Mr. Pips, hys Diarie, contributed by Percival Leigh, illustrations by Richard Doyle. London: Bradbury & Evans, 1849.
Manners and Customs of the English, taken from the Quick, with some excerpts from Mr. Pip's diary, contributed by Percival Leigh, illustrations by Richard Doyle. London: Bradbury & Evans, 1849.
Marks and Re-marks for the Catalogue of the Exhibition of the Royal Academy, 1856. Written in the manner of Longfellow’s Hiawatha. London: Golbourn, 1856.
Marks and Re-marks for the Catalogue of the Exhibition of the Royal Academy, 1856. Written in the style of Longfellow’s Hiawatha. London: Golbourn, 1856.
Max in the Metropolis. A Visit Paid by Yankee Doodle to Johnny Bull. By Max P. Romer. Illustrated. London: G. Routledge & Sons. 1887.
Max in the Metropolis. A Visit Paid by Yankee Doodle to Johnny Bull. By Max P. Romer. Illustrated. London: G. Routledge & Sons. 1887.
The Model Primer. By Eugene Field, of Denver Tribune. Published by Fred Tredwell, of Nassau Street, New York, U.S., and Bernard Quaritch, London. Illustrated by “Hop.” 1886.
The Model Primer. By Eugene Field, of Denver Tribune. Published by Fred Tredwell, of Nassau Street, New York, U.S., and Bernard Quaritch, London. Illustrated by “Hop.” 1886.
(This is one of the drollest of Yankee books of humour.)
(This is one of the funniest Yankee humor books.)
More Hints on Etiquette, for the use of Society at large, and Young Gentlemen in Particular. With cuts by George Cruikshank. London: Charles Tilt, 1838.
More Hints on Etiquette, for the use of Society at large, and Young Gentlemen in Particular. With illustrations by George Cruikshank. London: Charles Tilt, 1838.
A parody of “Hints on Etiquette, and the Usages of Society: with a glance at bad habits.”
A parody of “Hints on Etiquette, and the Usages of Society: with a glance at bad habits.”
London: Longmans & Co. 1836.
London: Longmans & Co. 1836.
Music for the Million; or, Singing made Easy. By Dick Crotchet. London: Diprose & Bateman.
Music for the Million; or, Singing Made Easy. By Dick Crotchet. London: Diprose & Bateman.
The Mysteries of London, and Strangers Guide to the Art of Living and Science of Enjoyment in the Great Metropolis. By Father North. London: Hugh Cunningham, 1844. A satirical guide to London in the form of a dictionary.
The Mysteries of London, and Strangers Guide to the Art of Living and Science of Enjoyment in the Great Metropolis. By Father North. London: Hugh Cunningham, 1844. A satirical guide to London presented as a dictionary.
Overland Journey to the Great Exhibition, showing a few Extra Articles and Visitors. Being a Panoramic Procession of humorous figures representing the various Peoples of the Earth, exhibiting their national Characteristics, 109 inches in length. By Richard Doyle. London: 1851.
Overland Journey to the Great Exhibition, featuring some Extra Articles and Visitors. A Panoramic Procession of funny characters showcasing the different Peoples of the Earth, highlighting their national Traits, 109 inches long. By Richard Doyle. London: 1851.
A Parody upon the History of Greece. Published by the Society for the Confusion of Useful Knowledge. (By A. F. Braham.) London: W. S. Johnson. 1837.
A Parody on the History of Greece. Published by the Society for the Confusion of Useful Knowledge. (By A. F. Braham.) London: W. S. Johnson. 1837.
The Pictorial Grammar. By Alfred Crowquill. The first edition was published by Harvey and Darton, London, without any date. It has since been re-issued by William Tegg & Co., 1876.
The Pictorial Grammar. By Alfred Crowquill. The first edition was published by Harvey and Darton, London, without a specific date. It has since been re-released by William Tegg & Co., 1876.
(Mr. Alfred Henry Forrester, who wrote as “Alfred Crowquill,” was born in London in 1806, and died May 26, 1872. He also wrote The Tutor’s Assistant.)
(Mr. Alfred Henry Forrester, who wrote as “Alfred Crowquill,” was born in London in 1806 and passed away on May 26, 1872. He also authored The Tutor’s Assistant.)
Picture Logic; or, the Grave made Gay, an Attempt to popularise the Science of Reasoning by the combination of Humorous Pictures with Examples of Reasoning taken from Daily Life. By Alfred Swinbourne, B.A., Queen’s College, Oxford. London: Longmans & Co., 1875.
Picture Logic; or, Making the Serious Fun, an Effort to make the Science of Reasoning accessible by combining Humorous Images with Everyday Examples of Reasoning. By Alfred Swinbourne, B.A., Queen’s College, Oxford. London: Longmans & Co., 1875.
The Pleader’s Guide; a Didactic Poem, in two parts: containing Mr. Surrebutter’s Poetical Lectures on the conduct of a Suit at Law (by J. Anstey). London: T. Cadell, 1804.
The Pleader’s Guide; a Teaching Poem, in two parts: featuring Mr. Surrebutter’s Poetic Lectures on how to handle a Lawsuit (by J. Anstey). London: T. Cadell, 1804.
The Premier School-Board Primer; with forty illustrations. London: E. Appleyard, 1884.
The Premier School-Board Primer; with forty illustrations. London: E. Appleyard, 1884.
A Satire on Mottos, being a literal translation and Criticism on all the Mottos which now decorate the Arms of the English Nobility and the Sixteen Peers of Scotland, with humorous reflections on each. (A skit on heraldry.)
A Satire on Mottos, is a direct translation and critique of all the mottos that currently embellish the coats of arms of the English nobility and the Sixteen Peers of Scotland, along with funny observations on each. (A comedic take on heraldry.)
Showell’s Comic Guide to the Inventories. London, 1885.
Showell’s Comic Guide to the Inventories. London, 1885.
The Story of the Life of Napoleon III., as told by Popular Caricaturists of the last Thirty Years. London: John Camden Hotten, 1871.
The Story of the Life of Napoleon III., as told by Popular Caricaturists of the last Thirty Years. London: John Camden Hotten, 1871.
Tom Treddlehoyle’s Peep at t’ Manchister Art Treasures Exhebishan e 1857, an uther wunderful things beside at cum in hiz way i t’ city of Manchister. 1857.
Tom Treddlehoyle’s Peep at the Manchester Art Treasures Exhibition 1857, another wonderful thing that came his way in the city of Manchester. 1857.
Transactions of the Loggerville Literary Society. London: Printed for Private Circulation by J. R. Smith, 36, Soho Square, 1867. Illustrated. This singular work contains a “Concise History of England,” in 61 verses, a burlesque examination paper, and “Dandyados,” a Tragedy, which is a parody of “Bombastes Furioso.”
Transactions of the Loggerville Literary Society. London: Printed for Private Circulation by J. R. Smith, 36, Soho Square, 1867. Illustrated. This unique work includes a “Brief History of England,” in 61 verses, a humorous exam paper, and “Dandyados,” a Tragedy, which is a parody of “Bombastes Furioso.”
The Tutor’s Assistant; or Comic Figures of Arithmetic; slightly altered and elucidated from Walking-Game. By Alfred Crowquill, i.e. A. H. Forrester. London, 1843.
The Tutor’s Assistant; or Comic Figures of Arithmetic; slightly modified and explained from Walking-Game. By Alfred Crowquill, i.e. A. H. Forrester. London, 1843.
The World Turned inside out; or Comic Geography, and Comic History of England. With Illustrations. London: Diprose and Bateman (originally published in 1844).
The World Turned Inside Out; or Comic Geography, and Comic History of England. With Illustrations. London: Diprose and Bateman (originally published in 1844).
A Mathematical Problem.
A Math Problem.
If you take the mean of an isosceles triangle, bisect it at one and an eighth, giving a centrifugal force of three to one; then describe a gradient on its periphery of ¾ to the square inch, throwing off the right angles from the previously ascertained square root, you form a rhomboid whose base is equal to the circumference of a circle of twice its own cubic contents. These premisses being granted it stands to reason that it is impossible for a steam engine of 40 H.P. nominal to go through a tunnel of the same dimensions, without tearing the piston cock off the main boiler, even with the rotation derived from a double stuffing box, high pressure steam, and a vacuum of 43°. Q. E. D.
If you take the average of an isosceles triangle and cut it at one and an eighth, generating a centrifugal force of three to one; then outline a gradient on its edge of ¾ to the square inch, eliminating the right angles from the previously calculated square root, you create a rhomboid whose base equals the circumference of a circle with twice its own volume. Given these assumptions, it makes sense that it's impossible for a steam engine with 40 H.P. to pass through a tunnel of the same dimensions without ripping the piston cock off the main boiler, even with the rotation coming from a double stuffing box, high pressure steam, and a vacuum of 43°. Q. E. D.
Theatrical Burlesques and Travesties.
n the following Table a rather wide
interpretation has been given to the
word Burlesque, so that some of J. R.
Planché’s witty extravaganzas have
been included, and a few even of the
clever pantomime openings written
by the late Mr. E. L. Blanchard. The
object aimed at being to insert particulars of
every Dramatic production which professed to
be a Burlesque, or a Travestie of any well-known
Play, Novel, Poem, or Poetical Legend.
n the following table, the term Burlesque has been interpreted quite broadly, which includes some of J. R. Planché’s witty shows and even a few clever pantomime openings written by the late Mr. E. L. Blanchard. The goal is to include details about every Dramatic production that claims to be a Burlesque or a Spoof of any well-known Play, Novel, Poem, or Poetic Legend.
Probably some thousands of Burlesques have been performed which have never attained the dignity of print, and in the following pages will be found many Burlesques which have never been publicly acted, although written in dramatic form.
Probably thousands of burlesques have been performed that never made it to print, and in the following pages, you will find many burlesques that have never been publicly performed, even though they are written in dramatic form.
I wish to express my sincere thanks to my esteemed friend Mr. T. F. Dillon Croker for the great assistance he has rendered in this compilation. Not only was his curious dramatic library generously placed at my disposal, but he also undertook to revise the proof sheets, his intimate knowledge of theatrical history enabling him to make numerous valuable suggestions. I have also to thank Mr. F. Howell for the loan of many early burlesques, and to mention that in the verification of dates the Era Almanacks have been of great service. It is to be regretted that this useful publication was not started until 1868. Long may it flourish!
I want to sincerely thank my esteemed friend Mr. T. F. Dillon Croker for the tremendous help he has provided in putting this together. Not only did he generously share his fascinating dramatic library with me, but he also took the time to proofread the sheets, using his deep knowledge of theatrical history to offer many valuable suggestions. I'm also grateful to Mr. F. Howell for lending me several early burlesques, and I should mention that the Era Almanacks have been extremely helpful for verifying dates. It's a shame that this useful publication didn't start until 1868. May it continue to thrive for a long time!
In a Table containing nearly eight hundred entries, and the first of its kind ever compiled, it is almost inevitable that some errors and omissions should occur. Mr. Samuel French, the theatrical publisher, in answer to a politely worded request, not only declined to give the slightest assistance, but even refused permission to consult any of his Play books for the verification of a few dates. This information is not readily accessible at the British Museum Library, as under the peculiar method of cataloguing there adopted, it is necessary to know the author’s name of any work one desires to consult. As Mr. French possesses a virtual monopoly of the sale of modern English plays it is to be regretted that he will not extend a little courteous assistance to writers on Dramatic history.
In a table with nearly eight hundred entries, the first of its kind ever created, it’s almost unavoidable that some mistakes and omissions will pop up. Mr. Samuel French, the theatrical publisher, responded to a politely phrased request not only by refusing to provide any assistance but also by denying permission to check any of his Play books for a few date verifications. This information isn’t easily accessible at the British Museum Library, as the unique cataloging system they use means you need to know the author’s name of any work you want to look up. Since Mr. French has a near monopoly on the sale of modern English plays, it’s unfortunate that he won't offer a bit of courteous help to those researching Dramatic history.
Mr. John Dicks, of 313, Strand, who issues very cheap and readable reprints of old English plays, gave me all the information in his power, but, as yet, he has only published a few Burlesques.
Mr. John Dicks, of 313 Strand, who offers very affordable and easy-to-read reprints of old English plays, provided me with all the information he could, but so far, he has only published a few burlesques.
In the Table a strictly alphabetical arrangement of Titles has been adopted, followed by the date and place of first performance, and in some cases the names of the principal performers have been given. For convenience of reference the articles, The, Ye, A, An, Le, La, L’, Il, have been ignored. Thus—L’Africaine will be found under the letter A, and La Sonnambula under the letter S.
In the Table, a strictly alphabetical arrangement of Titles has been used, followed by the date and place of the first performance, and in some cases, the names of the main performers are included. For easier reference, the articles The, Ye, A, An, Le, La, L’, and Il have been ignored. Therefore, L’Africaine will be found under the letter A, and La Sonnambula under the letter S.
Where the name of a Theatre is given, without any town, London is to be understood.
Where a Theatre's name is mentioned without a town, it refers to London.
| Burl. signifies | Burlesque. | |
| Burl. panto. | „ | Burlesque Pantomime. |
| Burl, extrav. | „ | Burlesque Extravaganza. |
| Burl. op. | „ | Burlesque Opera. |
| N.D. | „ | No date. |
Abon Hassan; or, The Hunt after Happiness. By Francis Talfourd. St. James’s. December 26, 1854. J. L. Toole and Miss Eleanor Bufton.
Abon Hassan; or, The Search for Happiness. By Francis Talfourd. St. James’s. December 26, 1854. J. L. Toole and Miss Eleanor Bufton.
Abon Hassan; or, An Arabian Knight’s Entertainment. By Arthur O’Neil. Charing Cross. December 11, 1869. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
Abon Hassan; or, An Arabian Knight’s Entertainment. By Arthur O’Neil. Charing Cross. December 11, 1869. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
Abou; or, The Sleeper Awakened, burlesque, by Joseph Tabrar. T. R. Coventry. August 3, 1885.
Abou; or, The Sleeper Awakened, burlesque, by Joseph Tabrar. T. R. Coventry. August 3, 1885.
Acis and Galatea, paraphrased, by W. H. Oxberry. Adelphi. February 8, 1842. Wright & Paul Bedford.
Acis and Galatea, paraphrased, by W. H. Oxberry. Adelphi. February 8, 1842. Wright & Paul Bedford.
Acis and Galatea, burlesque, by F. C. Burnand.
Acis and Galatea, a comedic play by F. C. Burnand.
Acis and Galatea, by T. F. Plowman. Oxford, Dec. 1869.
Acis and Galatea, by T. F. Plowman. Oxford, Dec. 1869.
Adonis. An “American Eccentricity,” by Gill and Dixey. Gaiety. May 31, 1886. Performed by an American company, and damned by the London press, as a noisy, stupid and meaningless production. Mr. Henry E. Dixey, the leading performer, as “Adonis,” gave some imitations (not in the best taste) of Henry Irving.
Adonis. An “American Eccentricity,” by Gill and Dixey. Gaiety. May 31, 1886. Performed by an American company and criticized harshly by the London press as a loud, foolish, and pointless production. Mr. Henry E. Dixey, the main performer, as “Adonis,” made some imitations (not in the best taste) of Henry Irving.
L’Africaine; or, the Belle of Madagascar, by Captain Arbuthnot.
L’Africaine; or, the Beauty of Madagascar, by Captain Arbuthnot.
L’Africaine, burl. By F. C. Burnand. Strand, Nov. 18, 1865, and revived in 1876. Edward Terry, Harry Cox and Marius.
L’Africaine, burl. By F. C. Burnand. Strand, Nov. 18, 1865, and revived in 1876. Edward Terry, Harry Cox and Marius.
Agamemnon at Home; or, the Latest Particulars of that little affair at Mycenæ. A Burlesque Sketch. First performed at the St. John’s College, A. T., during Commemoration, 1867. Oxford. T. & G. Shrimpton, 1867. (By the late Mr. E. Nolan, of St. John’s).
Agamemnon at Home; or, the Latest Details of that little incident at Mycenæ. A Humorous Sketch. First performed at St. John’s College, A. T., during Commemoration, 1867. Oxford. T. & G. Shrimpton, 1867. (By the late Mr. E. Nolan, of St. John’s).
Agamemnon and Cassandra; or, The Prophet and Loss of Troy, by R. Reece. Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, April 13, 1868.
Agamemnon and Cassandra; or, The Prophet and Loss of Troy, by R. Reece. Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, April 13, 1868.
Airey Annie, travestie of Ariane, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, April 4, 1888. Willie Edouin, W. Cheesman, Misses Alice Atherton and M. Ayrtoun. The latter lady mimicked Mrs. Bernard Beere’s impersonation of Ariane.
Airey Annie, a parody of Ariane, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, April 4, 1888. Willie Edouin, W. Cheesman, Misses Alice Atherton and M. Ayrtoun. The latter lady imitated Mrs. Bernard Beere’s portrayal of Ariane.
A Knock at the Door; or, Worsted Works Wonders, by Stafford O’Brien and R. M. Milnes. Acted by 31 Amateurs at the Cambridge University, March 19, 1830. Privately printed.
A Knock at the Door; or, Worsted Works Wonders, by Stafford O’Brien and R. M. Milnes. Performed by 31 Amateurs at Cambridge University, March 19, 1830. Privately published.
Aladdin; or, the Wonderful Lamp in a New Light, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. July 4, 1844. Wright, Paul Bedford, Augustus Harris, Madame Sala.
Aladdin; or, the Wonderful Lamp in a New Light, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. July 4, 1844. Wright, Paul Bedford, Augustus Harris, Madame Sala.
Aladdin; or, The Wonderful Scamp. By Henry J. Byron. Strand, April 1, 1861. H. J. Turner, J. Rogers, J. Clarke, Misses C. Saunders, F. Josephs, E. Bufton and Marie Wilton.
Aladdin; or, The Wonderful Scamp. By Henry J. Byron. Strand, April 1, 1861. H. J. Turner, J. Rogers, J. Clarke, Misses C. Saunders, F. Josephs, E. Bufton and Marie Wilton.
Aladdin II.; or, An Old Lamp in a New Light, by Alfred Thompson. Gaiety. December, 1870. Burl.-Opera. J. L. Toole, Stoyle, Miss E. Farren and Miss Loseby.
Aladdin II.; or, An Old Lamp in a New Light, by Alfred Thompson. Gaiety. December, 1870. Burl.-Opera. J. L. Toole, Stoyle, Miss E. Farren and Miss Loseby.
Aladdin; or, The Wonderful Lamp, by Frank W. Green. Charing Cross. December 23, 1874.
Aladdin; or, The Wonderful Lamp, by Frank W. Green. Charing Cross. December 23, 1874.
Aladdin and the Flying Genius. Philharmonic. Dec. 26, 1881.
Aladdin and the Flying Genius. Philharmonic. Dec. 26, 1881.
Aladdin. Burl.-drama, by R. Reece. Gaiety. December 24, 1881. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, T. Squire, Misses E. Farren, P. Broughton and Kate Vaughan.
Aladdin. Burl.-drama, by R. Reece. Gaiety. December 24, 1881. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, T. Squire, Misses E. Farren, P. Broughton, and Kate Vaughan.
Aladdin; or, The Scamp, the Tramp, and the Lamp, by Lloyd Clarance. Blackpool Gardens. May 14, 1883.
Aladdin; or, The Scamp, the Tramp, and the Lamp, by Lloyd Clarance. Blackpool Gardens. May 14, 1883.
Aladdin; or, the Wonderful Lamp, by J. R. O’Neill.
Aladdin; or, the Wonderful Lamp, by J. R. O’Neill.
Aladdin. Panto-openings written by E. L. Blanchard for Covent Garden, December 1865, and for Drury Lane December 1874, and December 1885.
Aladdin. Panto-openings written by E. L. Blanchard for Covent Garden, December 1865, and for Drury Lane December 1874, and December 1885.
Alcestis, the Original Strong-minded Woman; being a most shameless misinterpretation of the Greek drama of Euripides. By Francis Talfourd. Strand. July 4, 1850. H. Farren, W. Farren, Compton, Miss Adams, and Mrs. Leigh Murray (as Alcestis).
Alcestis, the Original Strong-minded Woman; being a bold misinterpretation of the Greek drama by Euripides. By Francis Talfourd. Strand. July 4, 1850. H. Farren, W. Farren, Compton, Miss Adams, and Mrs. Leigh Murray (as Alcestis).
Alexander the Great, In Little. Burlesque. By Thomas Dibdin. Strand. August 7, 1837.
Alexander the Great, In Little. Burlesque. By Thomas Dibdin. Strand. August 7, 1837.
Alfred the Great. Historical extrav., by R. B, Brough. Olympic. December 26, 1859.
Alfred the Great. Historical extrav., by R. B, Brough. Olympic. December 26, 1859.
Alfred the Ingrate, by Wentworth V. Bayly. T. R. Plymouth. May 8, 1871.
Alfred the Ingrate, by Wentworth V. Bayly. T. R. Plymouth. May 8, 1871.
Alhambra, Burlesque. By Albert Smith. Princess’s. April 21, 1851.
Alhambra, Burlesque. By Albert Smith. Princess’s. April 21, 1851.
Ali Baba, burlesque-extravaganza, by H. J. Byron. Strand. April 6, 1863.
Ali Baba, a comedic extravaganza, by H. J. Byron. Strand. April 6, 1863.
Ali Baba à la Mode. By R. Reece. Gaiety. September 14, 1872. J. L. Toole, Miss E. Farren.
Ali Baba à la Mode. By R. Reece. Gaiety. September 14, 1872. J. L. Toole, Miss E. Farren.
All about the Battle of Dorking; or, My Grandmother. By F. C. Burnand and Arthur Sketchley. Alhambra. August 7, 1871. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
All about the Battle of Dorking; or, My Grandmother. By F. C. Burnand and Arthur Sketchley. Alhambra. August 7, 1871. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
Ali Baba; or, The Forty Naughty Thieves. T. R. Birkenhead, May 14, 1883.
Ali Baba; or, The Forty Naughty Thieves. T. R. Birkenhead, May 14, 1883.
Alonzo the Brave; or, Faust and the Fair Imogene, by F. C. Burnand. Written for the A. D. C., Cambridge, and first performed on May 20, 1857. It has since been acted in London.
Alonzo the Brave; or, Faust and the Fair Imogene, by F. C. Burnand. Written for the A. D. C., Cambridge, and first performed on May 20, 1857. It has since been performed in London.
Alonzo ye Brave and ye Fayre Imogene, by Sam H. Harrison. Alexandra T. Liverpool. April 2, 1876.
Alonzo the Brave and the Fair Imogene, by Sam H. Harrison. Alexandra T. Liverpool. April 2, 1876.
Alonzo and Imogene; or, The Dad, the Lad, the Lord, and the Lass, by W. W. Bird. T. R. Richmond. April 17, 1869.
Alonzo and Imogene; or, The Dad, the Lad, the Lord, and the Lass, by W. W. Bird. T. R. Richmond. April 17, 1869.
Amoroso, King of Little Britain. By J. R. Planché. Drury Lane. April 21, 1818. This was Mr. Planché’s first attempt, and the success it achieved he modestly ascribed to the excellent acting of Harley, Knight, Oxberry, G. Smith, Mrs. Orger and Mrs. Bland. Amoroso was not included in Mr. Dillon Croker’s edition of Planché’s works, by the Author’s special desire, it being considered by him as a work of scarcely sufficient importance.
Amoroso, King of Little Britain. By J. R. Planché. Drury Lane. April 21, 1818. This was Mr. Planché’s first attempt, and he humbly attributed its success to the outstanding performances of Harley, Knight, Oxberry, G. Smith, Mrs. Orger, and Mrs. Bland. Amoroso was not included in Mr. Dillon Croker’s edition of Planché’s works at the Author’s specific request, as he viewed it as a work of barely enough significance.
Amy Robsart. Burlesque. By Mark Kinghorne. T. R. Norwich. May 10, 1880.
Amy Robsart. Burlesque. By Mark Kinghorne. T. R. Norwich. May 10, 1880.
Æneas; or, Dido Done. By H. Such Granville. T. R. Cork. March 2, 1868.
Aeneas; or, Dido Done. By H. Such Granville. T. R. Cork. March 2, 1868.
Anne Boleyne. Burl. By Conway Edwardes. New Royalty. September 7, 1872.
Anne Boleyne. Burl. By Conway Edwardes. New Royalty. September 7, 1872.
Another Drink. Burlesque. By Savile Clarke and Lewis Clifton. Folly. July 12, 1879.
Another Drink. Burlesque. By Savile Clarke and Lewis Clifton. Folly. July 12, 1879.
Antigone. A Classical Burl. By H. R. Hand. (Who died under very melancholy circumstances in 1874.) Oxford: T. & G. Shrimpton.
Antigone. A Classical Burl. By H. R. Hand. (Who died in very sad circumstances in 1874.) Oxford: T. & G. Shrimpton.
Antony and Cleopatra; or, His-Tory and Her Story, in a Modern Nilo Metre. By F. C. Burnand. Haymarket, November 21, 1866. Mr. & Mrs. Charles Mathews, Compton, Rogers, Clark, & Miss Fanny Wright.
Antony and Cleopatra; or, His-Tory and Her Story, in a Modern Nilo Metre. By F. C. Burnand. Haymarket, November 21, 1866. Mr. & Mrs. Charles Mathews, Compton, Rogers, Clark, & Miss Fanny Wright.
Antony and Cleopatra. Burl. By J. F. Draper. Royal Hall. Jersey, December 16, 1870.
Antony and Cleopatra. Burl. By J. F. Draper. Royal Hall. Jersey, December 16, 1870.
Area Sylph; or, a Footboy’s Dream. A burlesque upon the “Mountain Sylph,” by “Miss Betsey Fry.” English Opera House.
Area Sylph; or, a Footboy’s Dream. A playful take on the “Mountain Sylph,” by “Miss Betsey Fry.” English Opera House.
Ariadne; or, the Bull, the Bully, and the Bullion, A Classical Burlesque. By Vincent Amcotts. Oxford: T. & G. Shrimpton, 1867.
Ariadne; or, the Bull, the Bully, and the Bullion, A Classical Burlesque. By Vincent Amcotts. Oxford: T. & G. Shrimpton, 1867.
Ariel. Burlesque fairy drama. Founded on The Tempest. By F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, October 8, 1883.
Ariel. A playful fairy tale. Based on The Tempest. By F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, October 8, 1883.
Arion; or the Story of a Lyre. By F. C. Burnand. Strand. December 20, 1871. H. J. Turner, Edward Terry, Harry Paulton, Misses Rose Cullen, and Topsy Venn.
Arion; or the Story of a Lyre. By F. C. Burnand. Strand. December 20, 1871. H. J. Turner, Edward Terry, Harry Paulton, Misses Rose Cullen, and Topsy Venn.
Arline, the Lost Child. By Best & Bellingham. Sadler’s Wells. July 23, 1864.
Arline, the Lost Child. By Best & Bellingham. Sadler’s Wells. July 23, 1864.
Arrah-na-Brogue. By A. C. Shelley. Sadler’s Wells. October 25, 1865.
Arrah-na-Brogue. By A. C. Shelley. Sadler’s Wells. October 25, 1865.
The Ar-Rivals; or a Trip to Margate. Travestie. By J. M. Banero and A. D. Pincroft. Avenue. June 24, 1884. Intended as a travestie of the famous revival of “The Rivals,” at the Haymarket Theatre, by Bancroft and Pinero. “The Ar-Rivals” was a failure.
The Ar-Rivals; or a Trip to Margate. Parody. By J. M. Banero and A. D. Pincroft. Avenue. June 24, 1884. Meant as a parody of the famous revival of “The Rivals,” at the Haymarket Theatre, by Bancroft and Pinero. “The Ar-Rivals” was a flop.
The Ashantee War. Burlesque. By James Sandford; Alexandra Opera House, Sheffield. May 25, 1874.
The Ashantee War. Burlesque. By James Sandford; Alexandra Opera House, Sheffield. May 25, 1874.
Atalanta; or, the Three Golden Apples. By Francis Talfourd. Haymarket, April 13, 1857. Chippendale, Compton, Clark, Misses M. Wilton and M. Oliver.
Atalanta; or, the Three Golden Apples. By Francis Talfourd. Haymarket, April 13, 1857. Chippendale, Compton, Clark, Misses M. Wilton and M. Oliver.
Atalanta, by George P. Hawtrey. Strand, November 17, 1888. W. F. Hawtrey, T. Squire, and Misses Marie Linden and Alma Stanley.
Atalanta, by George P. Hawtrey. Strand, November 17, 1888. W. F. Hawtrey, T. Squire, and Misses Marie Linden and Alma Stanley.
Babes in the Wood, burlesque, by George Capel. Gaiety Theatre, Douglas, Isle of Man, July 26, 1884.
Babes in the Wood, a comedic play by George Capel. Gaiety Theatre, Douglas, Isle of Man, July 26, 1884.
Babes in the Wood. Burl.-drama, by H. J. Byron. Adelphi, July 18, 1859. J. L. Toole, P. Bedford, Mrs. A. Mellon.
Babes in the Wood. Burl.-drama, by H. J. Byron. Adelphi, July 18, 1859. J. L. Toole, P. Bedford, Mrs. A. Mellon.
The Babes in the Wood, by G. L. Gordon and G. W. Anson. Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, April 16, 1877.
The Babes in the Wood, by G. L. Gordon and G. W. Anson. Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, April 16, 1877.
The Babes; or, Whines from the Wood, by Harry Paulton. Originally produced at the Theatre Royal, Birmingham, June 9, 1884. Also at Toole’s Theatre. London, Sept. 6, 1864, with Lionel Brough, Willie Edouin, Miss Alice Atherton.
The Babes; or, Whines from the Wood, by Harry Paulton. Originally performed at the Theatre Royal, Birmingham, June 9, 1884. Also at Toole’s Theatre, London, Sept. 6, 1864, featuring Lionel Brough, Willie Edouin, and Miss Alice Atherton.
The Barber’s Trip to Paris, burlesque. Wolverhampton, February 28, 1876.
The Barber’s Trip to Paris, burlesque. Wolverhampton, February 28, 1876.
Beautiful Haidee; or, the Sea Nymph and the Sallee Rovers, by H. J. Byron.
Beautiful Haidee; or, the Sea Nymph and the Sallee Rovers, by H. J. Byron.
Beauty and the Beast. Panto-opening by E. L. Blanchard. Drury Lane, December, 1869.
Beauty and the Beast. Panto-opening by E. L. Blanchard. Drury Lane, December, 1869.
Beauty and the Beast, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Beauty and the Beast, by C. H. Hazlewood.
The Beast and the Beauty, or No Rose without a Thorn, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, October 4, 1869. Mr. F. Dewar, Misses Kate Bishop, M. Oliver and C. Saunders. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
The Beast and the Beauty, or No Rose without a Thorn, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, October 4, 1869. Mr. F. Dewar, Misses Kate Bishop, M. Oliver and C. Saunders. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
The Bee and the Orange Tee, burlesque, by H. J. Byron. Vaudeville.
The Bee and the Orange Tee, burlesque, by H. J. Byron. Vaudeville.
The Beggar’s Opera, by John Gay. Originally produced in Lincoln’s Inn Fields, 1728. Lord Byron called this a St. Giles’s lampoon.
The Beggar’s Opera, by John Gay. Originally performed in Lincoln’s Inn Fields, 1728. Lord Byron referred to this as a St. Giles’s satire.
Behind the Scenes, burlesque-burletta, by Charles Selby. Strand, September 12, 1839.
Behind the Scenes, burlesque-burletta, by Charles Selby. Strand, September 12, 1839.
333 The Belle of the Barley-mow; or, the Wooer, the Waitress, and the Willian, by H. T. Arden. Cremorne Gardens, Sept. 23, 1867. W. Corri, Miss C. Parkes.
333 The Belle of the Barley-mow; or, the Lover, the Waitress, and the Willian, by H. T. Arden. Cremorne Gardens, Sept. 23, 1867. W. Corri, Miss C. Parkes.
La Belle Sauvage, burlesque, by John Brougham. St. James’s, November 27, 1869. Mrs. John Wood, and Lionel Brough.
La Belle Sauvage, burlesque, by John Brougham. St. James’s, November 27, 1869. Mrs. John Wood, and Lionel Brough.
The Bells Bell-esqued and Polish Jew Polished Off; or, Mathias, the Muffin, the Mystrey, the Maiden and the Masher. Theatre Royal, Norwich, March 13, 1883.
The Bells Bell-esqued and Polish Jew Polished Off; or, Mathias, the Muffin, the Mystery, the Maiden and the Masher. Theatre Royal, Norwich, March 13, 1883.
Belphegor Travestie, by Leicester Buckingham. Strand, September 29, 1856. H. J. Turner, J. Clarke, Miss Cuthbert, Miss Thirlwall.
Belphegor Travestie, by Leicester Buckingham. Strand, September 29, 1856. H. J. Turner, J. Clarke, Miss Cuthbert, Miss Thirlwall.
Belphegor the Mountebank, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Belphegor the Mountebank, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Billy Taylor, burlesque-burletta, by J. B. Buckstone. Adelphi, November 9, 1829.
Billy Taylor, a burlesque-burletta, by J. B. Buckstone. Adelphi, November 9, 1829.
“The Birds” of Aristophanes, adapted by J. R. Planché. Haymarket, April 13, 1846. J. Bland, Miss P. Horton.
“The Birds” of Aristophanes, adapted by J. R. Planché. Haymarket, April 13, 1846. J. Bland, Miss P. Horton.
Black-Eyed Sukey; or, All in the Dumps, burlesque-extrav., by F. Fox Cooper. Olympic.
Black-Eyed Sukey; or, All in the Dumps, burlesque-extrav., by F. Fox Cooper. Olympic.
Black-Eyed Susan, the Latest Edition, by F. C. Burnand. New Royalty, November 29, 1866. F. Dewar, C. Wyndham, Misses M. Oliver, N. Bromley. This was afterwards revived.
Black-Eyed Susan, the Latest Edition, by F. C. Burnand. New Royalty, November 29, 1866. F. Dewar, C. Wyndham, Misses M. Oliver, N. Bromley. This was later revived.
Blighted Bachelors, burlesque, by Llewellyn Williams, Derby, August 29, 1881.
Blighted Bachelors, burlesque, by Llewellyn Williams, Derby, August 29, 1881.
Blossom of Churmington Green, by F. Radcliffe Hoskins.
Blossom of Churmington Green, by F. Radcliffe Hoskins.
Blue Beard; or, Hints to the Curious, by J. H. Tully. English Opera House.
Blue Beard; or, Hints to the Curious, by J. H. Tully. English Opera House.
Blue Beard, burl.-burletta, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, January 1, 1839. Mr. J. Bland and Madame Vestris.
Blue Beard, burl.-burletta, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, January 1, 1839. Mr. J. Bland and Madame Vestris.
Blue Beard Re-trimmed. Park Theatre, July 9, 1877.
Blue Beard Re-trimmed. Park Theatre, July 9, 1877.
Blue Beard, from a new point of hue, by H. J. Byron. Adelphi, December 26, 1860.
Blue Beard, from a new point of hue, by H. J. Byron. Adelphi, December 26, 1860.
Blue Beard Repaired, by H. Bellingham. Olympic, June 2, 1866.
Blue Beard Repaired, by H. Bellingham. Olympic, June 2, 1866.
Blue Beard, the Great Bashaw; or the Loves of Selim and Fatima, by H. T. Arden. Crystal Palace, March 29, 1869.
Blue Beard, the Great Bashaw; or the Loves of Selim and Fatima, by H. T. Arden. Crystal Palace, March 29, 1869.
Blue Beard and Fat Emma; or, the Old Man who cried “Heads,” by Frank Green. North Woolwich Gardens, June 18, 1877.
Blue Beard and Fat Emma; or, the Old Man who cried “Heads,” by Frank Green. North Woolwich Gardens, June 18, 1877.
Blue Beard and Son. Theatre Royal, Bath, March, 1880.
Blue Beard and Son. Theatre Royal, Bath, March, 1880.
Blue Beard; or, the Hazard of the Dye, by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, March 12, 1883.
Blue Beard; or, the Hazard of the Dye, by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, March 12, 1883.
Bluff King Hal; or the Maiden, the Masher, and the Monarch, Alexandra Theatre, Sheffield, March 12, 1883.
Bluff King Hal; or the Maiden, the Masher, and the Monarch, Alexandra Theatre, Sheffield, March 12, 1883.
The Blundering Heir, by Henry P. Lyste.
The Blundering Heir, by Henry P. Lyste.
Bobadil il Chico; or, the Moor the Merrier, by F. C. Burnand.
Bobadil il Chico; or, the Moor the Merrier, by F. C. Burnand.
Boadicea the Beautiful; or, Harlequin Julius Caesar and the Delightful Druid. By F. C. Burnand. Pantomime for Amateurs, London, S. O. Beeton, 1865.
Boadicea the Beautiful; or, Harlequin Julius Caesar and the Delightful Druid. By F. C. Burnand. Pantomime for Amateurs, London, S. O. Beeton, 1865.
The Bohemian G-yurl and the Unapproachable Pole, by H. J. Byron. Opera Comique, Jan. 31, 1877, and Gaiety, August, 1877. E. W. Royce, Edward Terry, Misses E. Farren and Kate Vaughan. Revived in 1884.
The Bohemian Girl and the Unapproachable Pole, by H. J. Byron. Opera Comique, January 31, 1877, and Gaiety, August 1877. E. W. Royce, Edward Terry, Misses E. Farren and Kate Vaughan. Revived in 1884.
Bombastes Furioso, a burlesque tragic opera, by William Barnes Rhodes. Haymarket, August 7, 1810. Mr. Mathews, Mr. Taylor, Mr. Liston, Miss H. Kelly. This is a travesty of Orlando Furioso, “Distaffina,” is Angelica, beloved by Orlando, whom she jilts for a young Moor named Medoro. This sends Orlando mad, and he hangs his armour on a tree with these lines beneath:—
Bombastes Furioso, a comedic tragic opera, by William Barnes Rhodes. Haymarket, August 7, 1810. Mr. Mathews, Mr. Taylor, Mr. Liston, Miss H. Kelly. This is a parody of Orlando Furioso. “Distaffina” is Angelica, who is loved by Orlando but ends up leaving him for a young Moor named Medoro. This drives Orlando crazy, and he hangs his armor on a tree with these lines underneath:—
The Bottle Imp, burlesque. Grecian Saloon. 1852.
The Bottle Imp, burlesque. Grecian Saloon. 1852.
Bride of Abydos; or the Prince, the Pirate, and the Pearl. By Henry J. Byron. No date. H. J. Turner, C. Young, Miss M. Oliver, Miss Swanborough.
Bride of Abydos; or the Prince, the Pirate, and the Pearl. By Henry J. Byron. No date. H. J. Turner, C. Young, Miss M. Oliver, Miss Swanborough.
The Brigand; or new Lines to an old Ban-ditty. By Gilbert A. à Beckett. Haymarket, Dec. 26, 1867. Mr. Compton.
The Brigand; or New Lines to an Old Ballad. By Gilbert A. à Beckett. Haymarket, Dec. 26, 1867. Mr. Compton.
The Bronze Horse, grand spectacle, by Howard Paul, founded on Scribe and Auber’s opera, Le Cheval de Bronze. Alhambra, July 4, 1881.
The Bronze Horse, a grand spectacle, by Howard Paul, based on Scribe and Auber’s opera, Le Cheval de Bronze. Alhambra, July 4, 1881.
Brown and the Brahmins; or, Captain Pop and the Princess Pretty Eyes. Founded on the Drama of “The Illustrious Stranger,” by R. Reece. Globe, January 23, 1869.
Brown and the Brahmins; or, Captain Pop and the Princess Pretty Eyes. Based on the play “The Illustrious Stranger” by R. Reece. Globe, January 23, 1869.
Mr. Buckstone’s Ascent of Mount Parnassus. A travestie of Albert Smith’s “Ascent of Mont Blanc” by J. R. Planché. Haymarket, March 28, 1853. W. Farren, Braid, Buckstone, Mrs. Fitzwilliam.
Mr. Buckstone’s Ascent of Mount Parnassus. A comedic take on Albert Smith’s “Ascent of Mont Blanc” by J. R. Planché. Haymarket, March 28, 1853. W. Farren, Braid, Buckstone, Mrs. Fitzwilliam.
Called Back Again, burl., parody of “Called Back” by Albert Chevalier. T. R., Plymouth, July 13, 1885.
Called Back Again, burl., parody of “Called Back” by Albert Chevalier. T. R., Plymouth, July 13, 1885.
Called There and Back, parody of H. Conway and Comyns Carr’s play “Called Back,” by Herman C. Merivale. Gaiety, October 15, 1884.
Called There and Back, a parody of H. Conway and Comyns Carr’s play “Called Back,” by Herman C. Merivale. Gaiety, October 15, 1884.
Calypso, Queen of Ogygia, by S. Brooks. Sadler’s Wells, April 15, 1865.
Calypso, Queen of Ogygia, by S. Brooks. Sadler’s Wells, April 15, 1865.
Camaralzaman and the Fair Badoura; or, the Bad Djinn and the Good Spirit, by Henry J. Byron. Vaudeville, Nov. 22, 1871. Thomas Thorne, and David James.
Camaralzaman and the Fair Badoura; or, the Bad Djinn and the Good Spirit, by Henry J. Byron. Vaudeville, Nov. 22, 1871. Thomas Thorne, and David James.
Camaralzaman, by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, January 31, 1884. E. Terry, Soutar, Squire, Misses E. Farren and P. Broughton.
Camaralzaman, by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, January 31, 1884. E. Terry, Soutar, Squire, Misses E. Farren and P. Broughton.
Camberwell Brothers, by C. Selby. Olympic, April 12, 1852.
Camberwell Brothers, by C. Selby. Olympic, April 12, 1852.
Capuletta; or, Romeo and Juliet Restor-i-ed. Anon. Boston, U.S. C. H. Spencer, 1868.
Capuletta; or, Romeo and Juliet Restor-i-ed. Anon. Boston, U.S. C. H. Spencer, 1868.
Carmen; or, Sold for a Song, by R. Reece. Folly, Jan. 25, 1879. Lionel Brough, Miss Lydia Thompson.
Carmen; or, Sold for a Song, by R. Reece. Folly, Jan. 25, 1879. Lionel Brough, Miss Lydia Thompson.
Caste, a burlesque version, see Fun, May 4, 1867.
Caste, a comedic version, see Fun, May 4, 1867.
Castle of Otranto, extravaganza, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Haymarket, April 24, 1848.
Castle of Otranto, extravaganza, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Haymarket, April 24, 1848.
Champagne, a Question of Phiz, by H. B. Farnie and R. Reece. Strand, September 29, 1877. Harry Cox, W. S. Penley, Marius, Miss Lottie Venne.
Champagne, a Question of Phiz, by H. B. Farnie and R. Reece. Strand, September 29, 1877. Harry Cox, W. S. Penley, Marius, Miss Lottie Venne.
Chang-Ching-Fou, Cream of Tartar, by William Marten. Luton, April 11, 1864.
Chang-Ching-Fou, Cream of Tartar, by William Marten. Luton, April 11, 1864.
Charles II.; or, Something Like History, by Gilbert à Beckett. Court, November 25, 1872.
Charles II.; or, Something Like History, by Gilbert à Beckett. Court, November 25, 1872.
Charmian and Badoura, by Charles Horsman. Theatre Royal, Edinburgh, May 19, 1873.
Charmian and Badoura, by Charles Horsman. Theatre Royal, Edinburgh, May 19, 1873.
Cheribel, burlesque, by Frank W. Green. Prince’s Theatre, Manchester, May 4, 1885.
Cheribel, burlesque, by Frank W. Green. Prince’s Theatre, Manchester, May 4, 1885.
Cherry and Fair Star, by Frank W. Green. Surrey Theatre, April 4, 1874.
Cherry and Fair Star, by Frank W. Green. Surrey Theatre, April 4, 1874.
Cherry and Fair Star, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Cherry and Fair Star, by C. H. Hazlewood.
The Children in the Wood; or, the Vengeance Dyer and the Pair of Dirty Kids, Bijou T. Bayswater, March 1, 1875.
The Children in the Wood; or, the Revenge of Dyer and the Two Messy Kids, Bijou T. Bayswater, March 1, 1875.
A China Tale from a Delph Point of View, by H. F. Mc’Clelland. T. R., Belfast, November 11, 1878.
A China Tale from a Delph Point of View, by H. F. Mc’Clelland. T. R., Belfast, November 11, 1878.
Chrononhotonthologos: the most Tragical Tragedy that ever was Tragedized by any Company of Tragedians. By Henry Carey. Haymarket, 1734. Revived at the Gaiety, November, 1880. Of the author, Henry Carey, it was said that “he led a life free from reproach, and hanged himself October 4, 1743.”
Chrononhotonthologos: the most tragic tragedy that ever was performed by any group of actors. By Henry Carey. Haymarket, 1734. Revived at the Gaiety, November, 1880. Of the author, Henry Carey, it was said that “he led a life free from blame, and took his own life on October 4, 1743.”
Christabel; or, The Bard Bewitched, by Gilbert à Beckett, Court, May 15, 1872. Partly founded on Coleridge’s famous poem.
Christabel; or, The Bard Bewitched, by Gilbert à Beckett, Court, May 15, 1872. Partly based on Coleridge’s famous poem.
Chrystabelle; or, the Rose without a Thorn. Extrav., by Edmund Falconer. Lyceum, December 26, 1860.
Chrystabelle; or, the Rose without a Thorn. Extrav., by Edmund Falconer. Lyceum, December 26, 1860.
Cinderella, burl, extrav., by Albert Smith & C. L. Kenney. Lyceum, May 12, 1845.
Cinderella, burl, extrav., by Albert Smith & C. L. Kenney. Lyceum, May 12, 1845.
Cinderella; or, the Lover, the Lackey, and the little Glass Slipper. By Henry J. Byron. Strand, December 26, 1860. H. J. Turner, J. Rogers, Misses M. Oliver, C. Saunders, and M. Simpson.
Cinderella; or, the Lover, the Lackey, and the little Glass Slipper. By Henry J. Byron. Strand, December 26, 1860. H. J. Turner, J. Rogers, Misses M. Oliver, C. Saunders, and M. Simpson.
Cinderella in Quite Another Pair of Shoes, by Frank W. Green. Royal Gardens, North Woolwich, May 20, 1871.
Cinderella in Quite Another Pair of Shoes, by Frank W. Green. Royal Gardens, North Woolwich, May 20, 1871.
Cinderella; a Story of the Slip and the Slipper, by J. W, Jones. T. R., Leicester, October 3, 1878.
Cinderella; a Story of the Slip and the Slipper, by J. W, Jones. T. R., Leicester, October 3, 1878.
334 Cinderella. Panto-opening, by E. L. Blanchard. Drury Lane, December, 1883.
334 Cinderella. Panto-opening, by E. L. Blanchard. Drury Lane, December, 1883.
Claude Du Val; or, the Highwayman for the Ladies, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, January 23, 1869. F. Dewar, Misses M. Oliver & N. Bromley. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus. London.
Claude Du Val; or, the Highwayman for the Ladies, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, January 23, 1869. F. Dewar, Misses M. Oliver & N. Bromley. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus. London.
The Coarse-Haired Brothers burlesque, by C. W. Taylor. New York. 1852.
The Coarse-Haired Brothers burlesque, by C. W. Taylor. New York. 1852.
Cœur de Lion, Revised, and his Enemies Corrected, by John Strachan. Strand, December 22, 1870.
Cœur de Lion, Revised, and his Enemies Corrected, by John Strachan. Strand, December 22, 1870.
Columbus el Filibustero, by John Brougham. Burton’s Theatre, New York, December, 1857.
Columbus el Filibustero, by John Brougham. Burton’s Theatre, New York, December, 1857.
Columbus; or, the Original Pitch in a Merry Key, by Alfred Thompson. Gaiety, May 17, 1869.
Columbus; or, the Original Pitch in a Merry Key, by Alfred Thompson. Gaiety, May 17, 1869.
Ye Comedie of Errours, a glorious burlesque, by John F. Poole. New York. No date.
Ye Comedie of Errours, a brilliant comedy, by John F. Poole. New York. No date.
Conn; or, Out of Sight, Out of ’Erin, by F. W. Green, Alexandra T., Liverpool, April 28, 1879.
Conn; or, Out of Sight, Out of ’Erin, by F. W. Green, Alexandra T., Liverpool, April 28, 1879.
The Congress; or, the Czar and the Minister. T. R., Dover, July 8, 1878.
The Congress; or, the Czar and the Minister. T. R., Dover, July 8, 1878.
Conrad and Medora; or, Harlequin Corsair, and the Little Fairy at the Bottom of the Sea. A Burlesque Pantomime founded upon the ballet of “Le Corsaire,” by William Brough. Lyceum, December 26, 1856. J. L. Toole, Mrs. A. Mellon, & Marie Wilton. Also at the Crystal Palace, 1873.
Conrad and Medora; or, Harlequin Corsair, and the Little Fairy at the Bottom of the Sea. A Burlesque Pantomime based on the ballet "Le Corsaire," by William Brough. Lyceum, December 26, 1856. J. L. Toole, Mrs. A. Mellon, & Marie Wilton. Also at the Crystal Palace, 1873.
Cooleen Drawn, by Martin Dutnall and J. B. Johnstone. Surrey T., October 14, 1861.
Cooleen Drawn, by Martin Dutnall and J. B. Johnstone. Surrey T., October 14, 1861.
Corin; or the King of the Peaceful Isles. Queen’s T., Dublin, March 6, 1871.
Corin; or the King of the Peaceful Isles. Queen’s T., Dublin, March 6, 1871.
The Corsair; or, the Little Fairy at the Bottom of the Sea, by William Brough. Lyceum, December 26, 1856. J. L. Toole, Mrs. A. Mellon, Miss M. Wilton.
The Corsair; or, the Little Fairy at the Bottom of the Sea, by William Brough. Lyceum, December 26, 1856. J. L. Toole, Mrs. A. Mellon, Miss M. Wilton.
The Corsican “Bothers”; or the Troublesome Twins, by Henry J. Byron, Globe, May 17, 1869.
The Corsican “Bothers”; or the Troublesome Twins, by Henry J. Byron, Globe, May 17, 1869.
The Corsican Brothers & Co., by F. C. Burnand and H. P. Stephens. Gaiety, October 25, 1880. E. W. Royce, J. Dallas, Misses E. Farren and Kate Vaughan. (In this Royce’s burlesque of Irving was very comical).
The Corsican Brothers & Co., by F. C. Burnand and H. P. Stephens. Gaiety, October 25, 1880. E. W. Royce, J. Dallas, Misses E. Farren and Kate Vaughan. (In this, Royce’s parody of Irving was quite funny).
The Corsican Brother-babes-in-the-wood, extravaganza, by G. R. Sims. T. R. Hull, March 19, 1881, and Royalty Theatre, Glasgow, March 28, 1881.
The Corsican Brother-babes-in-the-wood, extravaganza, by G. R. Sims. T. R. Hull, March 19, 1881, and Royalty Theatre, Glasgow, March 28, 1881.
The Coster Twin Brothers, by Frank Hall, Philharmonic, November 20, 1880.
The Coster Twin Brothers, by Frank Hall, Philharmonic, November 20, 1880.
Cox and Box, by Maddison Morton and F. C. Burnand, Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan. Founded on “Box and Cox.”
Cox and Box, by Maddison Morton and F. C. Burnand, Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan. Based on “Box and Cox.”
Cracked Heads, by Arthur Clements and F. Hay, Strand, February 2, 1876. Harry Cox, E. Terry, Lottie Venne.
Cracked Heads, by Arthur Clements and F. Hay, Strand, February 2, 1876. Harry Cox, E. Terry, Lottie Venne.
A Cracker Bon-Bon for Christmas Parties, consisting of Christmas Pieces for private representation, by Robert B. Brough. This contains King Alfred and the Cakes, William Tell, Orpheus and Eurydice. With Illustrations. Published by S. French, London and New York.
A Cracker Bon-Bon for Christmas Parties, featuring Christmas Pieces for private performances, by Robert B. Brough. This includes King Alfred and the Cakes, William Tell, Orpheus and Eurydice. With Illustrations. Published by S. French, London and New York.
Crichton, burlesque, by R. Hartley Edgar. Charing Cross, August 30, 1871.
Crichton, a comedy, by R. Hartley Edgar. Charing Cross, August 30, 1871.
The Critic; or, a Tragedy Rehearsed, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan. Drury Lane, 1779. “Sir Fretful Plagiary,” was intended as a burlesque of the character of Richard Cumberland, the dramatist.
The Critic; or, a Tragedy Rehearsed, by Richard Brinsley Sheridan. Drury Lane, 1779. “Sir Fretful Plagiary” was meant as a humorous take on the character of Richard Cumberland, the playwright.
The Critick Anticipated, a Literary Catchpenny, dedicated to R. B. Sheridan. London, 1780.
The Critick Anticipated, a Literary Catchpenny, dedicated to R. B. Sheridan. London, 1780.
Cruel Carmen; or, the Demented Dragoon and the Terrible Toreador, by J. Wilton Jones. Prince’s Theatre, Manchester, March 29, 1880.
Cruel Carmen; or, the Demented Dragoon and the Terrible Toreador, by J. Wilton Jones. Prince’s Theatre, Manchester, March 29, 1880.
Crusoe the Second, extravaganza. Lyceum, April 5, 1847. Mr. and Mrs. Keeley, Alfred Wigan and Miss Dickinson.
Crusoe the Second, extravaganza. Lyceum, April 5, 1847. Mr. and Mrs. Keeley, Alfred Wigan, and Miss Dickinson.
Crystaline, by G. M. Layton. King’s Cross, March 6, 1871.
Crystaline, by G. M. Layton. King’s Cross, March 6, 1871.
Cupid, Burlesque. Royalty, April 26, 1880.
Cupid, Burlesque. Royalty, April 26, 1880.
Cupid, burl.-burletta, by Joseph Graves. Queen’s, 1837.
Cupid, burl.-burletta, by Joseph Graves. Queen’s, 1837.
Damon the Dauntless and Phillis the Fair, by Charles Dryden. St. George’s Hall,, December 28, 1869.
Damon the Dauntless and Phillis the Fair, by Charles Dryden. St. George’s Hall, December 28, 1869.
Dandyados, a Tragedy. A parody of “Bombastes Furioso.” See “Transactions of the Loggerville Literary Society.” 1867.
Dandyados, a Tragedy. A parody of “Bombastes Furioso.” See “Transactions of the Loggerville Literary Society.” 1867.
Dandy Dick Turpin, by Geoffrey Thorn. Grand Theatre, Islington, October 7, 1889. Misses F. Leslie, F. Dysart, and Julia Warden.
Dandy Dick Turpin, by Geoffrey Thorn. Grand Theatre, Islington, October 7, 1889. Miss F. Leslie, Miss F. Dysart, and Miss Julia Warden.
Dan’l Tra-Duced, Tinker, by Arthur Clements. Strand, November 27, 1876.
Dan’l Tra-Duced, Tinker, by Arthur Clements. Strand, November 27, 1876.
The Dark King, burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.
The Dark King, burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.
David Garrick, burlesque, by Charles Colnaghi & E. Ponsonby. Criterion, May 11, 1888. (Amateur.)
David Garrick, burlesque, by Charles Colnaghi & E. Ponsonby. Criterion, May 11, 1888. (Amateur.)
The Deep, Deep Sea; or, Perseus and Andromeda, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, Dec. 26, 1833. J. Bland, J. Vining, and Madame Vestris.
The Deep, Deep Sea; or, Perseus and Andromeda, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, Dec. 26, 1833. J. Bland, J. Vining, and Madame Vestris.
Deep Red Rover, an O’Piratic Burlesque, by F. Hay and Westmacott Chapman.
Deep Red Rover, an O'Piratic Burlesque, by F. Hay and Westmacott Chapman.
Delights o’ London, by Wallis Mackay, Horace Lennard, and G. L. Gordon. Philharmonic, April, 8, 1882.
Delights of London, by Wallis Mackay, Horace Lennard, and G. L. Gordon. Philharmonic, April 8, 1882.
Der Freischutz; or, a Good Cast for a Piece, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, October 8, 1866.
Der Freischutz; or, a Good Cast for a Piece, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, October 8, 1866.
Der Freischutz; or, the Bill, the Belle, and the Bullet, by Henry J. Byron. Prince of Wales’s, October 10, 1866.
Der Freischutz; or, the Deal, the Beauty, and the Bullet, by Henry J. Byron. Prince of Wales’s, October 10, 1866.
The Desperate Adventures of the Baby; or, the Wandering Heir, by C. H. Ross & A. C. Freer. Strand, Dec. 14, 1878.
The Desperate Adventures of the Baby; or, the Wandering Heir, by C. H. Ross & A. C. Freer. Strand, Dec. 14, 1878.
Devil’s Violin, by B. Webster. Adelphi, May 9, 1849. Wright, O. Smith, Paul Bedford, Madame Celeste, Miss Woolgar.
Devil’s Violin, by B. Webster. Adelphi, May 9, 1849. Wright, O. Smith, Paul Bedford, Madame Celeste, Miss Woolgar.
Diana; or, the Goddess of the Moon. Masonic T., Lincoln, October, 1882.
Diana; or, the Goddess of the Moon. Masonic T., Lincoln, October, 1882.
Dick Turpin the Second, by W. F. Goldberg. Gaiety, May, 1889.
Dick Turpin the Second, by W. F. Goldberg. Gaiety, May, 1889.
Dick Whittington and his Cat-astrophe, by James Horner. Alexandra T. Walsall, June 16, 1884.
Dick Whittington and his Cat-astrophe, by James Horner. Alexandra T. Walsall, June 16, 1884.
Dick Whittington; or, an old story re-told, by C. G. Dyall.
Dick Whittington; or, a classic tale re-told, by C. G. Dyall.
Dido, burlesque by F.C. Burnand. St. James’s, Feb. 11, 1860.
Dido, comedy by F.C. Burnand. St. James’s, Feb. 11, 1860.
Dinorah under Difficulties, by W. Brough. Adelphi, Nov. 7, 1859, J. L. Toole.
Dinorah under Difficulties, by W. Brough. Adelphi, Nov. 7, 1859, J. L. Toole.
Discreet Statues; or, the Water Carrier of the Alhambra, by Charles Penruddocke. Performed at Compton Park. January 9, 1874.
Discreet Statues; or, the Water Carrier of the Alhambra, by Charles Penruddocke. Performed at Compton Park. January 9, 1874.
Doctor Dulcamara, by W. S. Gilbert. St. James’s.
Doctor Dulcamara, by W. S. Gilbert. St. James’s.
Dr. Faust and Miss Marguerite; or, the Young Duck with the Old Quack, by R. J. Martin and E. A. P. Hobday. Queen’s T. Dublin, August 24, 1885.
Dr. Faust and Miss Marguerite; or, the Young Duck with the Old Quack, by R. J. Martin and E. A. P. Hobday. Queen’s T. Dublin, August 24, 1885.
Dolly and the Rat, or the Brisket Family, an operatic parody on “The Maid and the Magpie.” Duncombe, 1823.
Dolly and the Rat, or the Brisket Family, an operatic parody on “The Maid and the Magpie.” Duncombe, 1823.
Domenico, the Vile’un, by Leigh Thomas. Assembly Rooms, Camberwell, April 26, 1872.
Domenico, the Vile’un, by Leigh Thomas. Assembly Rooms, Camberwell, April 26, 1872.
The Domestic Hearthstone; or, the Virgin Maiden’s Vengeance, a Terrible Tragedy in One Act, by John Smith. (A Richardsonian Melo-drama.)
The Domestic Hearthstone; or, the Virgin Maiden’s Vengeance, a Gripping Tragedy in One Act, by John Smith. (A Richardsonian Melo-drama.)
Don Carlos; or, the Infante in Arms, by Conway Edwardes, T. R. South Shields, Aug. 6, 1869. Vaudeville, April 16, 1870. Honey, Thorne, Miss Nelly Power.
Don Carlos; or, the Infante in Arms, by Conway Edwardes, T. R. South Shields, Aug. 6, 1869. Vaudeville, April 16, 1870. Honey, Thorne, Miss Nelly Power.
Don Giovanni; or, a Spectre on Horseback, by Thomas Dibdin. Surrey Theatre, 1817.
Don Giovanni; or, a Specter on Horseback, by Thomas Dibdin. Surrey Theatre, 1817.
Don Giovanni, by J. C. Brennan, T. R. Greenwich, March 11, 1872.
Don Giovanni, by J. C. Brennan, T. R. Greenwich, March 11, 1872.
Don Giovanni in Venice, Operatic extravaganza by R. Reece. Gaiety, February 17, 1873.
Don Giovanni in Venice, an operatic extravaganza by R. Reece. Gaiety, February 17, 1873.
Don Giovanni M.P. Princess’s Theatre, Edinburgh, April 17, 1874.
Don Giovanni M.P. Princess’s Theatre, Edinburgh, April 17, 1874.
Don Giovanni, Junr; or, the Shakey Page, more Funkey than Flunkey. Greenwich, May 17, 1875.
Don Giovanni, Junr; or, the Shakey Page, more Funkey than Flunkey. Greenwich, May 17, 1875.
Don Juan, Burlesque, T. R. Bradford, Nov., 22, 1870.
Don Juan, Burlesque, T. R. Bradford, Nov. 22, 1870.
Don Juan; by Henry J. Byron. Alhambra, Dec., 22, 1873.
Don Juan; by Henry J. Byron. Alhambra, Dec. 22, 1873.
Don Juan, Junior, by the Brothers Prendergast. Royalty, November 2, 1880, E. Righton, Miss Kate Lawler.
Don Juan, Junior, by the Brothers Prendergast. Royalty, November 2, 1880, E. Righton, Miss Kate Lawler.
335 Don Quixote, burl., by J. M. Killick. Cabinet, Oct. 28, 1869.
335 Don Quixote, burl., by J. M. Killick. Cabinet, Oct. 28, 1869.
Done to-a-cinderella; or, The Drudge, the Prince, and the Plated Glass Slipper, by Fawcett Lomax. Theatre Royal, Exeter, September 12, 1881.
Done to-a-Cinderella; or, The Drudge, the Prince, and the Plated Glass Slipper, by Fawcett Lomax. Theatre Royal, Exeter, September 12, 1881.
Dora and Diplunacy; or, a Woman of Uncommon Scents, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, February 14, 1878.
Dora and Diplunacy; or, a Woman of Uncommon Scents, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, February 14, 1878.
Douglas Travestie, by William Leman Rede. Adelphi, Feb. 13, 1837. O. Smith, J. Reeve, Mrs. Stirling.
Douglas Travestie, by William Leman Rede. Adelphi, Feb. 13, 1837. O. Smith, J. Reeve, Mrs. Stirling.
The Dragon of Hougue Bie; or, The little Prince’s Tour, by J. F. Draper. Royal Hall, Jersey, Dec. 8, 1871.
The Dragon of Hougue Bie; or, The Little Prince’s Tour, by J. F. Draper. Royal Hall, Jersey, Dec. 8, 1871.
Dulcamara; or, the Little Duck and the Great Quack, by W. S. Gilbert.
Dulcamara; or, the Little Duck and the Great Quack, by W. S. Gilbert.
East Lynne, burl., Birmingham Theatre, Sept. 16, 1869.
East Lynne, burl., Birmingham Theatre, Sept. 16, 1869.
East Lynne; or Isabel that was a Belle. Theatre Royal, Coventry, November 10, 1884.
East Lynne; or Isabel that was a Belle. Theatre Royal, Coventry, November 10, 1884.
Edwin and Angelina, by Miss Walford. Gallery of Illustration, May 6, 1871.
Edwin and Angelina, by Miss Walford. Gallery of Illustration, May 6, 1871.
Effie and Jeannie Deans Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Effie and Jeannie Deans Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Elbow Shakers, by F. Fox Cooper. Adelphi.
Elbow Shakers, by F. Fox Cooper. Adelphi.
Elizabeth; or, the Don, the Duck, the Drake, and the Invisible Armada, by F. C. Burnand. Vaudeville, November 17, 1870.
Elizabeth; or, the Don, the Duck, the Drake, and the Invisible Armada, by F. C. Burnand. Vaudeville, November 17, 1870.
Enchanted Horse, by Albert Smith and C. L. Kenney. Lyceum, December 26, 1845.
Enchanted Horse, by Albert Smith and C. L. Kenney. Lyceum, December 26, 1845.
The Enchanted Isle; or, “Raising the Wind” on the most approved Principles. A parody on Shakespeare’s “Tempest,” by the Brothers Brough. Adelphi, Nov. 20, 1848. O. Smith, Paul Bedford, Miss Woolgar & Madame Celeste.
The Enchanted Isle; or, “Raising the Wind” based on the best principles. A parody of Shakespeare’s “Tempest,” by the Brothers Brough. Adelphi, Nov. 20, 1848. O. Smith, Paul Bedford, Miss Woolgar & Madame Celeste.
Endymion; or, the Naughty Boy who cried for the Moon, by William Brough.
Endymion; or, the Mischievous Boy who cried for the Moon, by William Brough.
Ernani; or, the Horn of a Dilemma, by William Brough. Alexandra T., May 20, 1865.
Ernani; or, the Horn of a Dilemma, by William Brough. Alexandra T., May 20, 1865.
Erratic Evangeline. Birmingham T., March 10, 1884.
Erratic Evangeline. Birmingham T., March 10, 1884.
Esmeralda, an Operaticoterpsichorean burlesque in Two Acts, without any Foundation whatever, by two Gentlemen who won’t be answerable for anything. London, published by G. Odell, 1844.
Esmeralda, an operatic dance burlesque in two acts, with no basis in reality, by two gentlemen who aren’t responsible for anything. London, published by G. Odell, 1844.
Esmeralda, burl., by Albert Smith. Adelphi, June 3, 1850. O. Smith, Wright, Paul Bedford, Miss Woolgar, Madame Celeste.
Esmeralda, burl., by Albert Smith. Adelphi, June 3, 1850. O. Smith, Wright, Paul Bedford, Miss Woolgar, Madame Celeste.
Esmeralda; or, the “Sensation” Goat, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, Sept. 28, 1861. J. Rogers, J. Clarke, Misses Marie Wilton, E. Bufton. Revived at the Strand, June, 1871.
Esmeralda; or, the “Sensation” Goat, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, Sept. 28, 1861. J. Rogers, J. Clarke, Misses Marie Wilton, E. Bufton. Revived at the Strand, June, 1871.
Eurydice (as it was damned at the T. R., in Drury Lane), by Henry Fielding: see his works.
Eurydice (as it was criticized at the T. R., in Drury Lane), by Henry Fielding: see his works.
Eurydice; or, Little Orpheus and His Lute, by H. J. Byron. Strand, April 24, 1871.
Eurydice; or, Little Orpheus and His Lute, by H. J. Byron. Strand, April 24, 1871.
Evangeline, American burlesque. Court Theatre, Liverpool, June 11, 1883.
Evangeline, American burlesque. Court Theatre, Liverpool, June 11, 1883.
Fair Helen, by V. Amcotts. Oxford. Shrimpton. 1868.
Fair Helen, by V. Amcotts. Oxford. Shrimpton. 1868.
Fair Star, extravaganza, by Albert Smith and J. Oxenford. Princess’s, April 8, 1844.
Fair Star, extravaganza, by Albert Smith and J. Oxenford. Princess’s, April 8, 1844.
The Fairy Ring. Theatre Royal, Bristol, March 29, 1869.
The Fairy Ring. Theatre Royal, Bristol, March 29, 1869.
Fancy Land; or, the Ideal King, burlesque, by C. F. Fuller, H.M.S. “Rainbow,” April 9, 1884.
Fancy Land; or, the Ideal King, burlesque, by C. F. Fuller, H.M.S. “Rainbow,” April 9, 1884.
Farrago, burlesque, Ashton Theatre, May 14, 1883.
Farrago, burlesque, Ashton Theatre, May 14, 1883.
The Fair Princess, burlesque, by Fred Bernard. Gaiety Theatre, Walsall, December 20, 1886.
The Fair Princess, burlesque, by Fred Bernard. Gaiety Theatre, Walsall, December 20, 1886.
Fair Rosamond’s Bower or, the Monarch, the Maiden, the Maze, and the Mixture, by Frederick Langbridge.
Fair Rosamond’s Bower or, the King, the Young Woman, the Labyrinth, and the Blend, by Frederick Langbridge.
Fair Rosamond, burlesque-extravaganza, T. P. Taylor. Sadler’s Wells, 1838.
Fair Rosamond, a comedic extravaganza, T. P. Taylor. Sadler’s Wells, 1838.
Fair Rosamond; or, the Maze, the Maid, and the Monarch, by F. C. Burnand. Olympic, April 21, 1862. F. Robson.
Fair Rosamond; or, the Maze, the Maid, and the Monarch, by F. C. Burnand. Olympic, April 21, 1862. F. Robson.
Faust in a Fog, by R. Reece.
Faust in a Fog, by R. Reece.
Faust and Marguerite, by F. C. Burnand. St. James’s, July 9, 1864. Mr. and Mrs. Chas. Mathews, J. Clarke.
Faust and Marguerite, by F. C. Burnand. St. James’s, July 9, 1864. Mr. and Mrs. Chas. Mathews, J. Clarke.
Faust; or, Marguerite’s Mangle, by C. H. Hazlewood. Britannia, March 25, 1867.
Faust; or, Marguerite’s Mangle, by C. H. Hazlewood. Britannia, March 25, 1867.
Faust in forty minutes, burlesque by Fred. Locke. Gaiety T. Glasgow. August 17, 1885.
Faust in forty minutes, a comedy by Fred. Locke. Gaiety T. Glasgow. August 17, 1885.
Faust and Loose; or Brocken Vows. Travestie on Lyceum “Faust,” by F. C. Burnand. Toole’s Theatre, Feb. 4, 1886. J. L. Toole, Miss Marie Linden.
Faust and Loose; or Brocken Vows. Parody on Lyceum “Faust,” by F. C. Burnand. Toole’s Theatre, Feb. 4, 1886. J. L. Toole, Miss Marie Linden.
Faust and Co., by George Gordon, T. R. Greenock, February 27, 1886.
Faust and Co., by George Gordon, T. R. Greenock, February 27, 1886.
Faust up to Date, burlesque, by G. R. Sims and Henry Pettitt, Gaiety, October 30, 1888. E. J. Lonnen, Miss F. Robina, Miss F. St. John.
Faust up to Date, burlesque, by G. R. Sims and Henry Pettitt, Gaiety, October 30, 1888. E. J. Lonnen, Miss F. Robina, Miss F. St. John.
Faust; or the Old Man and the Devil. Woolwich T.
Faust; or the Old Man and the Devil. Woolwich T.
Fayre Rosamond; or, Ye Dagger, and Ye Poisoned Bowl by T. Cother. T. R., Gloucester, April 19, 1869.
Fayre Rosamond; or, The Dagger and The Poisoned Bowl by T. Cother. T. R., Gloucester, April 19, 1869.
The Field of the Cloth of Gold, burl-extrav. Strand, April 11, 1868. Harry Cox, Marius, H. J. Turner, Misses Sallie Turner and Lottie Venne.
The Field of the Cloth of Gold, burl-extrav. Strand, April 11, 1868. Harry Cox, Marius, H. J. Turner, Misses Sallie Turner and Lottie Venne.
Fine Nance; or, Alas (s) for the city; a burlesque sketch as performed by a Limited Company. London, Hatton and Son 1867. A skit on the “Companies’ Act 1862.”
Fine Nance; or, Alas (s) for the city; a burlesque sketch as performed by a Limited Company. London, Hatton and Son 1867. A parody of the “Companies’ Act 1862.”
The Flying Dutchman; or, the Demon Seaman and the Lass that loved a Sailor, by W. Brough. Royalty, Dec. 2, 1869.
The Flying Dutchman; or, the Demon Seaman and the Girl that Loved a Sailor, by W. Brough. Royalty, Dec. 2, 1869.
Firmilian; or the Student of Badajoz. A Spasmodic Tragedy, by T. Percy Jones, W. Blackwood & Sons, 1854. This burlesque was written by Professor W. E. Aytoun.
Firmilian; or the Student of Badajoz. A Spasmodic Tragedy, by T. Percy Jones, W. Blackwood & Sons, 1854. This parody was written by Professor W. E. Aytoun.
F. M. Julius Cnæsar; or, the Irregular Rum ’un, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, September 7, 1870.
F. M. Julius Cnæsar; or, the Irregular Rum ’un, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, September 7, 1870.
The Forty Thieves, burlesque, by R. Reece, Gaiety, Dec. 24, 1880. Edward Terry, T. Squire, Royce, Misses E. Farren, and Kate Vaughan.
The Forty Thieves, burlesque, by R. Reece, Gaiety, Dec. 24, 1880. Edward Terry, T. Squire, Royce, Misses E. Farren, and Kate Vaughan.
The Four Kings; or, Paddy in the Moon, by C. H. Hazlewood. Britannia, April 14, 1873.
The Four Kings; or, Paddy in the Moon, by C. H. Hazlewood. Britannia, April 14, 1873.
Fowl Play; or, a Story of Chikken Hazard, by F. C. Burnand. Queen’s, June 20, 1868.
Fowl Play; or, a Story of Chicken Hazard, by F. C. Burnand. Queen’s, June 20, 1868.
Fra Diavolo; or, the Beauty and the Brigands, by Henry James Byron. Strand, April 5, 1858, and revived Sept. 10, 1860. H. J. Turner, J. Rogers, Miss M. Simpson.
Fra Diavolo; or, the Beauty and the Brigands, by Henry James Byron. Strand, April 5, 1858, and revived Sept. 10, 1860. H. J. Turner, J. Rogers, Miss M. Simpson.
Fra Diavolo the Second, extravaganza, by J. T. Denny. Philharmonic, August 28, 1882.
Fra Diavolo the Second, extravaganza, by J. T. Denny. Philharmonic, August 28, 1882.
The Frightful Hair; or, who Shot the Dog. An original Travestie on Lord Lytton’s “Rightful Heir.” By F. C. Burnand. Haymarket, December 26, 1868. Mr. Kendal, Mr. Compton, Misses Ione Burke, and F. Wright. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
The Frightful Hair; or, Who Shot the Dog. An original parody of Lord Lytton’s “Rightful Heir.” By F. C. Burnand. Haymarket, December 26, 1868. Mr. Kendal, Mr. Compton, Misses Ione Burke, and F. Wright. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
Frankenstein, burlesque, by “Richard Henry.” Gaiety, December 24, 1887.
Frankenstein, a parody, by “Richard Henry.” Fun, December 24, 1887.
Furnivallos Furioso! and “The Newest Shakespeare Society.” London, T. Richards, 1876. Written to ridicule Mr. Furnivall, but never performed.
Furnivallos Furioso! and “The Newest Shakespeare Society.” London, T. Richards, 1876. Written to mock Mr. Furnivall, but never staged.
Galatea; or Pygmalion Re-versed, burlesque, by H. P. Stephens. Gaiety, December 26, 1883.
Galatea; or Pygmalion Re-versed, burlesque, by H. P. Stephens. Gaiety, December 26, 1883.
The Gay Musketeers; or, All for Number One, by Eldred and Paulton. P. of Wales’s, Liverpool, April 18, 1870.
The Gay Musketeers; or, All for Number One, by Eldred and Paulton. P. of Wales’s, Liverpool, April 18, 1870.
Gentle Gertrude, of the Infamous Redd Lyon Inn; or, Drugged and Drowned in Digbeth! A melo-drammer in One Act, by T. E. Pemberton. Liverpool Theatre, February 21, 1881; Gaiety, London, May 14, 1884.
Gentle Gertrude, of the Infamous Redd Lyon Inn; or, Drugged and Drowned in Digbeth! A melodrama in One Act, by T. E. Pemberton. Liverpool Theatre, February 21, 1881; Gaiety, London, May 14, 1884.
George Barnwell Travestie. See “Rejected Addresses,” by James and Horace Smith.
George Barnwell Travestie. See “Rejected Addresses,” by James and Horace Smith.
George de Barnwell, burl., by Henry J. Byron. Adelphi, December 26, 1862.
George de Barnwell, burl., by Henry J. Byron. Adelphi, December 26, 1862.
Georgy Barnwell, by Montague Corri. Surrey T., May 27, 1844.
Georgy Barnwell, by Montague Corri. Surrey T., May 27, 1844.
The German Silvery King, by Walter Burnot. Elephant and Castle, March 24, 1883.
The German Silvery King, by Walter Burnot. Elephant and Castle, March 24, 1883.
Giddy Godiva; or, the Girl that was sent to Coventry, by H. C. Newton. Sanger’s Amphitheatre, Oct. 13, 1883.
Giddy Godiva; or, the Girl that was sent to Coventry, by H. C. Newton. Sanger’s Amphitheatre, Oct. 13, 1883.
Giovanni in London, or, The Libertine Reclaimed, by W. T. Moncrieff. Drury Lane and Covent Garden, 1827.
Giovanni in London, or, The Libertine Reclaimed, by W. T. Moncrieff. Drury Lane and Covent Garden, 1827.
336 The Girls of the Period, burl., by F. C. Burnand.
336 The Girls of the Period, burl., by F. C. Burnand.
Giselle; or, the Sirens of the Lotus Lake, by Henry J. Byron. Olympic, July 22, 1871.
Giselle; or, the Sirens of the Lotus Lake, by Henry J. Byron. Olympic, July 22, 1871.
Godiva, historical burlesque, by F. Talfourd and W. Hale. Strand, July 7, 1851.
Godiva, a historical burlesque, by F. Talfourd and W. Hale. Strand, July 7, 1851.
The Golden Fleece; or Jason in Colchis, a classical extrav., J. R. Planché. Haymarket, March 24, 1845. J. Bland, Miss P. Horton, Madame Vestris.
The Golden Fleece; or Jason in Colchis, a classic show, J. R. Planché. Haymarket, March 24, 1845. J. Bland, Miss P. Horton, Madame Vestris.
The Golden Pippin, by Kane O’Hara. Covent Garden, 1773.
The Golden Pippin, by Kane O’Hara. Covent Garden, 1773.
The Good Fairy of St. Helen’s; or, King Coal and his Merry Men, by James Brockbank. April 22, 1872.
The Good Fairy of St. Helen’s; or, King Coal and his Merry Men, by James Brockbank. April 22, 1872.
Good Old Barnes of New York, by Walter Burnot. Ladbroke Hall, September 25, 1888.
Good Old Barnes of New York, by Walter Burnot. Ladbroke Hall, September 25, 1888.
The Goose and Golden Eggs, by J. F. Draper (Amateur). Royal Hall, Jersey. November 19, 1869.
The Goose and Golden Eggs, by J. F. Draper (Amateur). Royal Hall, Jersey. November 19, 1869.
The Grand Duke of Camberwell, by W. M. Akhurst. Elephant and Castle, April 17, 1876.
The Grand Duke of Camberwell, by W. M. Akhurst. Elephant and Castle, April 17, 1876.
The Great Metropolis, extrav., by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, April 6, 1874.
The Great Metropolis, extravaganza, by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, April 6, 1874.
Great Sensation Trial, or Circumstantial Effie-Deans, by W. Brough.
Great Sensation Trial, or Circumstantial Effie-Deans, by W. Brough.
The Great Tragic Revival, an absurdity, by John Brougham, Burton’s Theatre, New York, 1858.
The Great Tragic Revival, a farce, by John Brougham, Burton’s Theatre, New York, 1858.
Greenleaf the Graceful, or the Palace of Vengeance, by W. R. Osman. Royalty, February 26, 1872.
Greenleaf the Graceful, or the Palace of Vengeance, by W. R. Osman. Royalty, February 26, 1872.
The “Grin” Bushes! or, the “Mrs.” Brown of the “Missis”-Sippi. Founded on the “Green Bushes.” By Henry J. Byron. Strand, Dec. 26, 1864. David James, J. Stoyle, Misses M. Simpson & Ada Swanborough.
The “Grin” Bushes! or, the “Mrs.” Brown of the “Missis”-Sippi. Based on the “Green Bushes.” By Henry J. Byron. Strand, Dec. 26, 1864. David James, J. Stoyle, Misses M. Simpson & Ada Swanborough.
Grizelle; or Dancing Mad. A Legend of St. Vitus, by W. H. Oxberry. English Opera House.
Grizelle; or Dancing Mad. A Legend of St. Vitus, by W. H. Oxberry. English Opera House.
The Guardians, or is “Union” Strength? by “Ixion.”
The Guardians, or is “Union” Strength? by “Ixion.”
The Guilty Governess and the Downey Doctor, by G. M. Layton. Folly, May 8, 1876.
The Guilty Governess and the Downey Doctor, by G. M. Layton. Folly, May 8, 1876.
Guy Fawkes, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, Dec. 22, 1866.
Guy Fawkes, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, Dec. 22, 1866.
Guy Fawkes, by Henry J. Byron. Gaiety, January 14, 1874. J. L. Toole, Brough, Nellie Farren.
Guy Fawkes, by Henry J. Byron. Gaiety, January 14, 1874. J. L. Toole, Brough, Nellie Farren.
Guy Mannering in a New Guise, by Robert Reece.
Guy Mannering in a New Guise, by Robert Reece.
Half Crown Diamonds, by Robert Reece. Holborn, Sept. 27, 1875. G. Vincent, E. Atkins, J. H. Standing. New Version. Imperial Theatre, October 2, 1880.
Half Crown Diamonds, by Robert Reece. Holborn, Sept. 27, 1875. G. Vincent, E. Atkins, J. H. Standing. New Version. Imperial Theatre, October 2, 1880.
Hamlet Travestie, in three acts, with annotations by Dr. Johnson and George Stevens, Esq., and other Commentators, by John Poole. London, 1810.
Hamlet Travestie, in three acts, with notes by Dr. Johnson and George Stevens, Esq., and other commentators, by John Poole. London, 1810.
Hamlet Travestie, by F. Talfourd. Oxford, J. Vincent, 1849.
Hamlet Travestie, by F. Talfourd. Oxford, J. Vincent, 1849.
Hamlet the Hysterical, a Delusion in Five Spasms. Princess’s, November 30, 1874.
Hamlet the Hysterical, a Delusion in Five Spasms. Princess’s, November 30, 1874.
Hamlet â la Mode, an “absurdity,” by G. L. Gordon and G. W. Anson. Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, Oct. 16, 1876, and Opera Comique, London, April 21, 1877.
Hamlet à la Mode, an "absurdity," by G. L. Gordon and G. W. Anson. Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, Oct. 16, 1876, and Opera Comique, London, April 21, 1877.
Hamlet whether He Will or No, by George Booth. Alexandra Theatre, Sheffield, June 2, 1879.
Hamlet whether He Will or No, by George Booth. Alexandra Theatre, Sheffield, June 2, 1879.
Hamlet; or, Not such a Fool as he Looks. For Amateur Performance. Cambridge: W. Metcalfe & Son, 1882.
Hamlet; or, Not such a Fool as he Looks. For Amateur Performance. Cambridge: W. Metcalfe & Son, 1882.
Hamlet Improved; or, Mr. Mendall’s attempt to ameliorate that Tragedy, by Colonel Colomb, R.A. (This piece was not designed to burlesque Shakespeare.)
Hamlet Improved; or, Mr. Mendall’s attempt to improve that Tragedy, by Colonel Colomb, R.A. (This piece was not meant to mock Shakespeare.)
Hamlet the Dainty, a Nigger drama.
Hamlet the Dainty, a Black drama.
Handsome Hernani; or, the Fatal Penny Whistle, by Henry J. Byron. Gaiety, August 30, 1879. E. W. Royce, E. Terry, Misses E. Farren and Kate Vaughan.
Handsome Hernani; or, the Fatal Penny Whistle, by Henry J. Byron. Gaiety, August 30, 1879. E. W. Royce, E. Terry, Misses E. Farren and Kate Vaughan.
The Happy Land; a burlesque version of “The Wicked World,” by F. Tomline and Gilbert A. àBeckett. Court, March 3, 1873. W. Hill, Fisher, Righton, Miss Lottie Venn. This was prohibited by the Lord Chamberlain on March 7, 1873, on account of its political allusions, three of the principal characters having been “made up” to represent Messrs. W. E. Gladstone, R. Lowe and Ayrton; with certain alterations and omissions, the burlesque was again performed, but it had lost its savour. It was printed by J. W. Last & Co., Drury Lane.
The Happy Land; a satirical take on “The Wicked World,” by F. Tomline and Gilbert A. àBeckett. Court, March 3, 1873. W. Hill, Fisher, Righton, Miss Lottie Venn. This was banned by the Lord Chamberlain on March 7, 1873, because of its political references, as three main characters were styled to resemble Mr. W. E. Gladstone, R. Lowe, and Ayrton; with some changes and cuts, the burlesque was performed again, but it had lost its charm. It was published by J. W. Last & Co., Drury Lane.
Harlequin Jack Sheppard, or, the Blossom of Tyburn Tree; satirising the dramas manufactured from W. H. Ainsworth’s novels. Covent Garden Theatre, 1839.
Harlequin Jack Sheppard, or, the Blossom of Tyburn Tree; satirizing the plays created from W. H. Ainsworth’s novels. Covent Garden Theatre, 1839.
The Haunted Glen, burl., by Harry Webber and Maidlow Davis. Royal Artillery T. Woolwich, April 27, 1888.
The Haunted Glen, burl., by Harry Webber and Maidlow Davis. Royal Artillery T. Woolwich, April 27, 1888.
Here’s another Guy Mannering, by F. C. Burnand. Vaudeville, May 23, 1874.
Here’s another Guy Mannering, by F. C. Burnand. Vaudeville, May 23, 1874.
Helen; or, taken from the Greek, by F. C. Burnand. Prince of Wales’, Liverpool, September, 30. 1867.
Helen; or, taken from the Greek, by F. C. Burnand. Prince of Wales’, Liverpool, September, 30. 1867.
Hercules and Omphale, or, The Power of Love, a classical extrav., by William Brough. St. James’s, December, 26, 1864. Mr. and Mrs. Frank Matthews, H. J. Montague, Misses Herbert and C. Saunders.
Hercules and Omphale, or, The Power of Love, a classic extravaganza, by William Brough. St. James's, December 26, 1864. Mr. and Mrs. Frank Matthews, H. J. Montague, Misses Herbert and C. Saunders.
Hermesianax, burlesque. Derby, July 9, 1869.
Hermesianax, comedy. Derby, July 9, 1869.
Herne the Hunter, panto-burl., by Robert Reece and W. Yardley. Gaiety, May 24, 1881.
Herne the Hunter, panto-burl., by Robert Reece and W. Yardley. Gaiety, May 24, 1881.
Haiwatha; or, Ardent Spirits and Laughing Water, by Charles M. Walcot. Wallack’s Theatre. New York, December 25, 1856.
Haiwatha; or, Ardent Spirits and Laughing Water, by Charles M. Walcot. Wallack’s Theatre. New York, December 25, 1856.
Hide and Seekyl, by George Grossmith. See “Real Case.”
Hide and Seekyl, by George Grossmith. See “Real Case.”
Hit and Miss; or, All my Eye and Betty Martyn, by F. C. Burnand. Olympic, April 13, 1868.
Hit and Miss; or, All my Eye and Betty Martyn, by F. C. Burnand. Olympic, April 13, 1868.
Hit or Miss; or, the Last of the Barons, by Arthur Milton. Theatre Royal, Middlesborough, February 19, 1883.
Hit or Miss; or, the Last of the Barons, by Arthur Milton. Theatre Royal, Middlesborough, February 19, 1883.
How I found Crusoe; or, the Flight of Imagination, by Alfred Thompson. Olympic, December 28, 1870.
How I found Crusoe; or, the Flight of Imagination, by Alfred Thompson. Olympic, December 28, 1870.
The Hunchback back again; or, Peculiar Julia, by F. C. Burnand. Olympic, Dec. 23, 1879.
The Hunchback back again; or, Peculiar Julia, by F. C. Burnand. Olympic, Dec. 23, 1879.
Hypermnestra; or, the Girl of the Period, by Frank Sikes. Lyceum, March 27, 1869.
Hypermnestra; or, the Girl of the Period, by Frank Sikes. Lyceum, March 27, 1869.
Idle ’Prentice, The; a Tyburnian Idyll of High, Low, Jack and His Little Game, by H. B. Farnie. Strand T., Sept., 10, 1870.
Idle ’Prentice, The; a Tyburnian Idyll of High, Low, Jack and His Little Game, by H. B. Farnie. Strand T., Sept., 10, 1870.
Ill-treated Il Trovatore; or, the Mother, the Maiden and the Musicianer, by Henry J. Byron. Adelphi, May 21, 1863. Paul Bedford, J. L. Toole, Miss C. Nelson.
Ill-treated Il Trovatore; or, the Mother, the Maiden and the Musicianer, by Henry J. Byron. Adelphi, May 21, 1863. Paul Bedford, J. L. Toole, Miss C. Nelson.
Im-patience, travestie, by Walter Browne. Prince of Wales’s Theatre, Liverpool, August 25, 1884.
Im-patience, a parody, by Walter Browne. Prince of Wales’s Theatre, Liverpool, August 25, 1884.
Ingomar, burlesque, by G. E. Jeffrey. T. R., Douglas, Isle of Man, September 2, 1868.
Ingomar, burlesque, by G. E. Jeffrey. T. R., Douglas, Isle of Man, September 2, 1868.
Ingomar the Idiotic; or, the Miser, the Maid, and the Mangle, by Messrs. Allan and Howard. Alfred Theatre, August 19, 1871.
Ingomar the Idiotic; or, the Miser, the Maid, and the Mangle, by Messrs. Allan and Howard. Alfred Theatre, August 19, 1871.
Innocentinez; or, the Magic Pipe and the Fatal I.O.U., by H. Adams, King’s Cross, March 29, 1876.
Innocentinez; or, the Magic Pipe and the Fatal I.O.U., by H. Adams, King’s Cross, March 29, 1876.
Ino; or, the Theban Twins, by B. J. Spedding. Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, August 30, 1869. Strand, London, October 30, 1869. David James and T. Thorne.
Ino; or, the Theban Twins, by B. J. Spedding. Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, August 30, 1869. Strand, London, October 30, 1869. David James and T. Thorne.
Ion, by F. Fox Cooper. Garrick, November 9, 1836.
Ion, by F. Fox Cooper. Garrick, November 9, 1836.
Iphigeneia; or, the Sail, the Seer, and the Sacrifice, by E. Nolan. Performed at the Music Room, Oxford, by the St. John’s College Amateurs. Commemoration 1866. Oxford: T. & G. Shrimpton.
Iphigeneia; or, the Sail, the Seer, and the Sacrifice, by E. Nolan. Performed at the Music Room, Oxford, by the St. John’s College Amateurs. Commemoration 1866. Oxford: T. & G. Shrimpton.
Isaac Abroad; or, Ivanhoe Settled and Rebecca Righted, by Thomas F. Plowman, T. R. Oxford, January 15, 1878.
Isaac Abroad; or, Ivanhoe Settled and Rebecca Righted, by Thomas F. Plowman, T. R. Oxford, January 15, 1878.
Isaac of York; or, Saxons and Normans at Home, by T. F. Plowman. Court, Nov. 29, 1871. E. Righton, Misses Cornélie D’Anka and Kate Bishop.
Isaac of York; or, Saxons and Normans at Home, by T. F. Plowman. Court, Nov. 29, 1871. E. Righton, Misses Cornélie D’Anka and Kate Bishop.
Ivanhoe, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, December 26, 1862. H. J. Turner, J. Clarke, James Rogers, Misses C. Saunders, E. Bufton, Fanny Josephs.
Ivanhoe, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, December 26, 1862. H. J. Turner, J. Clarke, James Rogers, Misses C. Saunders, E. Bufton, Fanny Josephs.
Ivanhoe, the latest edition, by R. B. Brough. Haymarket, April 1, 1850.
Ivanhoe, the newest edition, by R. B. Brough. Haymarket, April 1, 1850.
Ixion; or, the Man at the Wheel, extrav. by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, Sept. 28, 1863.
Ixion; or, the Man at the Wheel, extrav. by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, Sept. 28, 1863.
Jack; or, the Magic key. Queen’s Theatre, Dublin, April 14, 1879.
Jack; or, the Magic key. Queen’s Theatre, Dublin, April 14, 1879.
Jack, the Giant Killer, by H. J. Byron. Princess’s, December 26, 1859.
Jack, the Giant Killer, by H. J. Byron. Princess’s, December 26, 1859.
Jack and the Beanstalk, by Charles Millward. Adelphi, December 26, 1872.
Jack and the Beanstalk, by Charles Millward. Adelphi, December 26, 1872.
Jack Robinson Crusoe; or, the Good Friday that came on Saturday, by J. W. Jones. Windsor T., Oct. 14, 1876.
Jack Robinson Crusoe; or, the Good Friday that came on Saturday, by J. W. Jones. Windsor T., Oct. 14, 1876.
Jane Shore; or, the Fearful Penance and the Fatal Penny Roll, by J. Wilton-Jones. Liverpool, August 16, 1880.
Jane Shore; or, the Fearful Penance and the Fatal Penny Roll, by J. Wilton-Jones. Liverpool, August 16, 1880.
The Japs; or, the Doomed Daimio, Japanese burlesque, by Harry Paulton and Mostyn Tedde. Originally produced at Prince’s Theatre, Bristol, August 31, 1885, and at Novelty Theatre, London, September 19, 1885.
The Japs; or, the Doomed Daimio, Japanese burlesque, by Harry Paulton and Mostyn Tedde. Originally produced at Prince’s Theatre, Bristol, August 31, 1885, and at Novelty Theatre, London, September 19, 1885.
Joan of Arc, burlesque, by William Brough. Strand, March 29, 1869 David James, Thomas Thorne, H. J. Turner, Misses E. Bufton, Bella Goodall.
Joan of Arc, comedy, by William Brough. Strand, March 29, 1869 David James, Thomas Thorne, H. J. Turner, Misses E. Bufton, Bella Goodall.
Joe Miller, and his Men, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Princess’s.
Joe Miller, and his Men, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Princess’s.
Julius See-saw; or, Dauntless Decius the Doubtful Decemvir, by Harry M. Pitt. Sheffield, March 29, 1869.
Julius See-saw; or, Fearless Decius the Uncertain Decemvir, by Harry M. Pitt. Sheffield, March 29, 1869.
Kenilworth; or, Ye Queene, Ye Earle, and ye Maydenne, by Andrew Halliday and F. Lawrance. Strand, Dec. 27, 1858. J. Clarke, H. J. Turner, Misses M. Wilton, M. Oliver, C. Saunders and Swanborough. Reproduced, Strand, July 21, 1866.
Kenilworth; or, The Queen, The Earl, and The Maiden, by Andrew Halliday and F. Lawrance. Strand, Dec. 27, 1858. J. Clarke, H. J. Turner, Misses M. Wilton, M. Oliver, C. Saunders, and Swanborough. Reproduced, Strand, July 21, 1866.
Kenilworth, burlesque-extravaganza, by R. Reece and H. B. Farnie. Avenue, December 19, 1885.
Kenilworth, a comedic extravaganza, by R. Reece and H. B. Farnie. Avenue, December 19, 1885.
King Arthur; or, the Days and Knights of the Round Table, by William Brough.
King Arthur; or, the Days and Knights of the Round Table, by William Brough.
The King, the Ring, and the Giddy Young Thing; or, Herne the Hunter, Anne Boleyn, and the Fair Maid of the River Dee, by George Reeves. Elephant and Castle, April 8, 1882.
The King, the Ring, and the Giddy Young Thing; or, Herne the Hunter, Anne Boleyn, and the Fair Maid of the River Dee, by George Reeves. Elephant and Castle, April 8, 1882.
King’s Bounty; or, the Deserter, by R. E. Lonsdale.
King’s Bounty; or, the Deserter, by R. E. Lonsdale.
King Coffee; or, the Princess of Ashantee. Southport Theatre, December 8, 1873.
King Coffee; or, the Princess of Ashantee. Southport Theatre, December 8, 1873.
King John Travestie, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. St. James’s, October 29, 1837.
King John Travestie, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. St. James’s, October 29, 1837.
King Kokatoo, by F. C. Burnand. Leeds, March 4, 1872.
King Kokatoo, by F. C. Burnand. Leeds, March 4, 1872.
King Lear Burlesque, by Mr. Marchant.
King Lear Burlesque, by Mr. Marchant.
King Lear and his Daughters Queer, burl., by E. Elton.
King Lear and his Daughters Queer, burl., by E. Elton.
King Richard ye Thirde, or ye Battel of Bosworth Field, by Charles Selby. Strand, February 26, 1844.
King Richard the Third, or the Battle of Bosworth Field, by Charles Selby. Strand, February 26, 1844.
The Knight and the Sprite; or, the Cold Water Cure! an Aquatic Burl., by G. A. à Beckett and Mark Lemon. Strand, November 11, 1844.
The Knight and the Sprite; or, the Cold Water Cure! an Aquatic Burl., by G. A. à Beckett and Mark Lemon. Strand, November 11, 1844.
King Zany’s Daughter; or, the Princess who was Blind of one Eye, and could not see out of the other. By W. H. Bosbacca.
King Zany’s Daughter; or, the Princess who was Blind in One Eye and Couldn't See Out of the Other. By W. H. Bosbacca.
The Knight of the Burning Pestle, by Francis Beaumont and John Fletcher. London, 1611. This was a burlesque upon the tasteless affectations of the tales of chivalry, somewhat after the manner of “Don Quixote.”
The Knight of the Burning Pestle, by Francis Beaumont and John Fletcher. London, 1611. This was a humorous take on the silly pretensions of chivalric tales, somewhat similar to “Don Quixote.”
La-Ba-Kan; or, the Prince’s Nap and the Snip’s Snap, by J. E. Roe. Swiss Gardens, Shoreham, June 7, 1869.
La-Ba-Kan; or, the Prince’s Nap and the Snip’s Snap, by J. E. Roe. Swiss Gardens, Shoreham, June 7, 1869.
Lady Godiva; or, ye Ladye of Coventrie and ye Exyle Fayrie. Strand, July 7, 1851.
Lady Godiva; or, the Lady of Coventry and the Exile Fairy. Strand, July 7, 1851.
Lady Godiva burl., by Frederick Robson. T. R. Middlesbrough, May 5, 1873. Sadler’s Wells, Dec., 6, 1873.
Lady Godiva burl., by Frederick Robson. T. R. Middlesbrough, May 5, 1873. Sadler’s Wells, Dec. 6, 1873.
Lady of the Lake, by Mortimer Thomson. Niblo’s Garden Theatre, New York, U.S., June 21, 1860.
Lady of the Lake, by Mortimer Thomson. Niblo’s Garden Theatre, New York, U.S., June 21, 1860.
The Lady of the Lake, burlesque, by R. Whateley Taylor. Royalty, April 21, 1862.
The Lady of the Lake, parody, by R. Whateley Taylor. Royalty, April 21, 1862.
The Lady of the Lake, Plaid in a new Tartan, burl., of Sir Walter Scott, by R. Reece. Royalty, September 8, 1866, E. Danvers, Miss M. Oliver.
The Lady of the Lake, Plaid in a new Tartan, burl., of Sir Walter Scott, by R. Reece. Royalty, September 8, 1866, E. Danvers, Miss M. Oliver.
The Lady of the Lane, burl., by H. J. Byron. Strand, Oct., 31, 1872.
The Lady of the Lane, burl., by H. J. Byron. Strand, Oct. 31, 1872.
Lady of the Lions, burl., by O. F. Durivage. Baltimore T., United States, 1856.
Lady of the Lions, burl., by O. F. Durivage. Baltimore T., United States, 1856.
The Lady of Lyons Burlesque, by M. Marchant.
The Lady of Lyons Burlesque, by M. Marchant.
The Lady of Lyons, burl., by Maurice G. Dowling.
The Lady of Lyons, burl., by Maurice G. Dowling.
The Lady of Lyons, burl., by W. Younge. Imperial T. April 23, 1879, Lionel Brough, C. Steyne, Miss L. Thompson.
The Lady of Lyons, burl., by W. Younge. Imperial T. April 23, 1879, Lionel Brough, C. Steyne, Miss L. Thompson.
Ye Lady of Lyons, by A. Lewis Clifton. Aquarium, Yarmouth, April 10, 1882.
Ye Lady of Lyons, by A. Lewis Clifton. Aquarium, Yarmouth, April 10, 1882.
The Lady of Lyons Married and Settled, by Herman C. Merivale. Gaiety, October 5, 1878. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, Squire, Elton, and Miss E. Farren.
The Lady of Lyons Married and Settled, by Herman C. Merivale. Gaiety, October 5, 1878. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, Squire, Elton, and Miss E. Farren.
The Lady of Lyons Married, and Claude Unsettled, absurdity, by R. Reece. Royalty, Glasgow, Sept. 27, 1884.
The Lady of Lyons Married, and Claude Unsettled, absurdity, by R. Reece. Royalty, Glasgow, Sept. 27, 1884.
The Latest Edition of the Lady of Lyons, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, February 1, 1858.
The Latest Edition of the Lady of Lyons, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, February 1, 1858.
Latest Edition of Kenilworth, by Andrew Halliday. Strand, Dec. 27, 1858.
Latest Edition of Kenilworth, by Andrew Halliday. Strand, Dec. 27, 1858.
Latest Edition of the Lady of the Lake, by R. Reece.
Latest Edition of the Lady of the Lake, by R. Reece.
The Very Latest Edition of the Lady of Lyons, by H. J. Byron. Strand, July 11, 1859. J. Clarke, J. Rogers, H. J. Turner, Misses C. Saunders, and M. Oliver.
The Very Latest Edition of the Lady of Lyons, by H. J. Byron. Strand, July 11, 1859. J. Clarke, J. Rogers, H. J. Turner, Misses C. Saunders, and M. Oliver.
Lalla Rookh; or, the Princess, the Peri, and the Troubadour by William Brough. Lyceum, December 24, 1857. J. L. Toole, Mrs. Alfred Mellon, Mrs. C. Dillon.
Lalla Rookh; or, the Princess, the Peri, and the Troubadour by William Brough. Lyceum, December 24, 1857. J. L. Toole, Mrs. Alfred Mellon, Mrs. C. Dillon.
Lalla Rookh, an Oriental extravaganza, by Vincent Amcotts. Masonic Hall, Oxford, Commemoration 1866, by the S. S. Amateurs. Oxford: T. Shrimpton & Son, 1866. Also performed at the “Gallery of Illustration,” London, June 19 and 20, 1868, by the “Shooting Stars.”
Lalla Rookh, an Eastern spectacle, by Vincent Amcotts. Masonic Hall, Oxford, Commemoration 1866, by the S. S. Amateurs. Oxford: T. Shrimpton & Son, 1866. Also performed at the “Gallery of Illustration,” London, June 19 and 20, 1868, by the “Shooting Stars.”
Lalla Rookh, burl., by Horace Lennard. Novelty Theatre, May 1, 1884. Harry Nicholls, Misses M. Mario, Kate Vaughan, and Dot Mario.
Lalla Rookh, burl., by Horace Lennard. Novelty Theatre, May 1, 1884. Harry Nicholls, Misses M. Mario, Kate Vaughan, and Dot Mario.
Lancelot the Lovely; or, the Idol of the King, by Richard Henry. Avenue, April, 1889. Arthur Roberts, E. D. Ward, Miss Vanoni.
Lancelot the Lovely; or, the Idol of the King, by Richard Henry. Avenue, April, 1889. Arthur Roberts, E. D. Ward, Miss Vanoni.
The Lass that Loves a Sailor, or, the Perfidious Pirate, the Modest Maiden, and the Trusty Tar, by Lloyd Clarance. T. R., Great Grimsby, September 17, 1883.
The Girl Who Loves a Sailor, or, the Deceitful Pirate, the Shy Maiden, and the Loyal Sailor, by Lloyd Clarance. T. R., Great Grimsby, September 17, 1883.
The Last of the Barons, burlesque, by L. H. Du Terreaux. Strand, April 18, 1872.
The Last of the Barons, parody, by L. H. Du Terreaux. Strand, April 18, 1872.
The Latest Edition of the Rival Othellos, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, 1876. Edward Terry, Marius, H. J. Turner. (A burlesque upon Henry Irving and Salvini in their respective representations of Othello).
The Latest Edition of the Rival Othellos, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, 1876. Edward Terry, Marius, H. J. Turner. (A parody of Henry Irving and Salvini in their respective portrayals of Othello).
The Latest Yarn of the Crusoe Crew. Ashton Theatre, July 16, 1883.
The Latest Yarn of the Crusoe Crew. Ashton Theatre, July 16, 1883.
Leah, a hearty joke in a Cab-age, by W. Routledge. Gallery of Illustrations, January 23, 1869.
Leah, a hearty joke in a Cab-age, by W. Routledge. Gallery of Illustrations, January 23, 1869.
Leah, burl. Southminster T., Edinburgh, June 15, 1868.
Leah, burl. Southminster T., Edinburgh, June 15, 1868.
Leo the Terrible, Æsopian burl., by J. Stirling Coyne and Francis Talfourd. Haymarket, December 27, 1852.
Leo the Terrible, Æsopian burl., by J. Stirling Coyne and Francis Talfourd. Haymarket, December 27, 1852.
Life in the Clouds; or, Olympus in an Uproar, by John Brougham. English Opera House, July 23, 1840.
Life in the Clouds; or, Olympus in an Uproar, by John Brougham. English Opera House, July 23, 1840.
The Light of the Isles, by Oswald Allan. Queen’s T. Dublin, August 21, 1876.
The Light of the Isles, by Oswald Allan. Queen’s T. Dublin, August 21, 1876.
Linda of Chamouni; or, not Formosa, by Alfred Thompson. Gaiety, September 13, 1869.
Linda of Chamouni; or, not Formosa, by Alfred Thompson. Gaiety, September 13, 1869.
Linda di Chamouni; or, the Blighted Flower, by Conway Edwardes. T. R. Bath, February 20, 1869.
Linda di Chamouni; or, the Blighted Flower, by Conway Edwardes. T. R. Bath, February 20, 1869.
The Lions’ Lady; or, How come you so? An anonymous burl. of “The Lady of Lyons.” London, C. Whiting. 1838.
The Lions’ Lady; or, Why are you like this? An anonymous burl. of “The Lady of Lyons.” London, C. Whiting. 1838.
Lion’s Tale, or the Naughty Boy who wagged it, by R. Reece. Globe.
Lion’s Tale, or the Mischievous Boy who Wiggled It, by R. Reece. Globe.
Little Amy Robsart from a Comic Point of View. Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, February 22, 1872.
Little Amy Robsart from a Comic Point of View. Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, February 22, 1872.
Little Ben Bolt, by Edwin Keene. Gravesend T., June 24, 1879.
Little Ben Bolt, by Edwin Keene. Gravesend T., June 24, 1879.
338 Little Ben Bolt, or the Meritorious Maiden and the Milli-cious Miller, by Edwin Keene. Colchester, August 2, 1880.
338 Little Ben Bolt, or the Meritorious Maiden and the Milli-cious Miller, by Edwin Keene. Colchester, August 2, 1880.
Little Billie Carlyle; or, the Bell and the Hare, burlesque of “East Lynne,” by W. J. Harbon. Prince of Wales’s, Wolverhampton, April 18, 1881.
Little Billie Carlyle; or, the Bell and the Hare, a spoof of “East Lynne,” by W. J. Harbon. Prince of Wales’s, Wolverhampton, April 18, 1881.
Little Boy Blue, by F. J. Watts. Shoreham, May 17, 1875.
Little Boy Blue, by F. J. Watts. Shoreham, May 17, 1875.
Little Carmen, burl., by Alfred Murray. Globe, February 7, 1884.
Little Carmen, burl., by Alfred Murray. Globe, February 7, 1884.
Little Cinderella, J. Wilton Jones. Newcastle Theatre, June 25, 1887.
Little Cinderella, J. Wilton Jones. Newcastle Theatre, June 25, 1887.
Little Doctor Faust, the Gaiety, not the Goethe Version, by H. J. Byron. Gaiety, October 13, 1877. Edward Terry, R. Soutar, E. W. Royce, Miss E. Farren.
Little Doctor Faust, the Gaiety, not the Goethe Version, by H. J. Byron. Gaiety, October 13, 1877. Edward Terry, R. Soutar, E. W. Royce, Miss E. Farren.
Little Don Cæsar de Bazan; or, Maritana and the Merry Monarch. By H. J. Byron. Gaiety, August 26, 1876. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, Misses E. Farren and Kate Vaughan. (Revived in 1878.)
Little Don Cæsar de Bazan; or, Maritana and the Merry Monarch. By H. J. Byron. Gaiety, August 26, 1876. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, Misses E. Farren and Kate Vaughan. (Revived in 1878.)
Little Don Giovanni, or Leporello and the Stone Statue, by Henry J. Byron. Prince of Wales’s, December 26, 1865. J. Clarke, Miss Marie Wilton and Miss F. Josephs.
Little Don Giovanni, or Leporello and the Stone Statue, by Henry J. Byron. Prince of Wales’s, December 26, 1865. J. Clarke, Miss Marie Wilton and Miss F. Josephs.
Little Don Quixote. T. R., Cheltenham, April 9, 1883.
Little Don Quixote. T. R., Cheltenham, April 9, 1883.
Little Gil Blas, and How He Played the Spanish D(j)euce, by H. B. Farnie. Princess’s, December 24, 1870.
Little Gil Blas, and How He Played the Spanish D(j)euce, by H. B. Farnie. Princess’s, December 24, 1870.
Little Giselle; or, the Sirens of the Lotus Lake, by Henry J. Byron. Olympic, July 22, 1871. G. Belmore, D. James and Miss E. Farren.
Little Giselle; or, the Sirens of the Lotus Lake, by Henry J. Byron. Olympic, July 22, 1871. G. Belmore, D. James, and Miss E. Farren.
Little Jack Sheppard, by H. P. Stephens & W. Yardley. Gaiety, Dec. 26, 1885. David James, F. Leslie, Odell, Misses E. Farren, Harriet Coveney, Marion Hood.
Little Jack Sheppard, by H. P. Stephens & W. Yardley. Gaiety, Dec. 26, 1885. David James, F. Leslie, Odell, Misses E. Farren, Harriet Coveney, Marion Hood.
Little Jack Carpenter. T. R., Liverpool, May 15, 1875.
Little Jack Carpenter. T. R., Liverpool, May 15, 1875.
Little Lalla Rookh, burl.-extrav., by J. T. Denny. Originally produced at Gaiety T., Hastings, August 31, 1885, and at Grand T., London, September 14, 1885.
Little Lalla Rookh, burl.-extrav., by J. T. Denny. First performed at Gaiety Theatre, Hastings, on August 31, 1885, and at the Grand Theatre, London, on September 14, 1885.
Little Lohengrin; or, the Lover and the Bird, by Frederick Bowyer. Holborn T., August 16, 1884.
Little Lohengrin; or, the Lover and the Bird, by Frederick Bowyer. Holborn T., August 16, 1884.
Little Red Riding Hood, burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Little Red Riding Hood, parody, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Little Red Riding Hood, burlesque-extravaganza, by Leicester Buckingham. Lyceum, Dec. 26, 1861.
Little Red Riding Hood, a burlesque extravaganza, by Leicester Buckingham. Lyceum, December 26, 1861.
Little Robin Hood, or Quite a New Beau, by Robert Reece. Royalty, April 19, 1871.
Little Robin Hood, or Quite a New Beau, by Robert Reece. Royalty, April 19, 1871.
Little Robin Hood, burlesque-drama, by R. Reece. Gaiety, Sept. 15, 1882. T. Squire, Arthur Williams, Robert Brough, J. Dallas, Misses E. Farren, P. Broughton.
Little Robin Hood, a comedic drama by R. Reece. Gaiety, Sept. 15, 1882. T. Squire, Arthur Williams, Robert Brough, J. Dallas, Misses E. Farren, P. Broughton.
Little Robinson Crusoe, by David James, Jun. Oxford Theatre, April 13, 1885.
Little Robinson Crusoe, by David James, Jun. Oxford Theatre, April 13, 1885.
Little Rip Van Winkle, by R. Reece. Gaiety.
Little Rip Van Winkle, by R. Reece. Fun.
Lord Bateman, or The Proud Young Porter and the Fair Sophia, by Henry J. Byron. Globe, Dec. 27, 1869.
Lord Bateman, or The Proud Young Porter and the Fair Sophia, by Henry J. Byron. Globe, Dec. 27, 1869.
Lord Bateman, by Charles Daly. Theatre Royal, Seaham Harbour, April 17, 1876.
Lord Bateman, by Charles Daly. Theatre Royal, Seaham Harbour, April 17, 1876.
Lord Lovel and Lady Nancy Bell; or, the Bounding Brigand of Bakumboilum, by F. C. Burnand. Written for the A. D. C. Cambridge. November 21, 1856.
Lord Lovel and Lady Nancy Bell; or, the Bounding Brigand of Bakumboilum, by F. C. Burnand. Written for the A. D. C. Cambridge. November 21, 1856.
Louis XI.; or, the Tricksey Monarch and the Wicksey Warrior, by Harry M. Pitt. T. R. West Hartlepool, July 9, 1869.
Louis XI.; or, the Tricksy Monarch and the Wily Warrior, by Harry M. Pitt. T. R. West Hartlepool, July 9, 1869.
Love and Fortune, by J. R. Planché, Princess’s, Sept. 24, 1859. Frank Matthews, Misses Louise Keeley, and Carlotta Leclercq.
Love and Fortune, by J. R. Planché, Princess’s, Sept. 24, 1859. Frank Matthews, Miss Louise Keeley, and Carlotta Leclercq.
Love’s Paradise. Founded upon the legend of “Cupid and Psyche” in the metamorphoses of Apuleius, by F. G. Westmacott Chapman. Haymarket, April 6, 1874.
Love’s Paradise. Inspired by the story of “Cupid and Psyche” from Apuleius's Metamorphoses, by F. G. Westmacott Chapman. Haymarket, April 6, 1874.
Loves of Lord Bateman and the Fair Sophia, burlesque by Charles Selby. Strand, July 1, 1839. The Performers were dressed in the costumes shown in George Cruikshank’s illustrations to the Ballad.
Loves of Lord Bateman and the Fair Sophia, a comedic play by Charles Selby. Strand, July 1, 1839. The performers wore the costumes depicted in George Cruikshank’s illustrations for the ballad.
Lucrezia Borgia! At Home, and all Abroad, by Leicester Buckingham. St. James’s, April 9, 1860.
Lucrezia Borgia! At Home, and all Abroad, by Leicester Buckingham. St. James’s, April 9, 1860.
Lucrezia Borgia, by Sydney French. Marylebone T., July 20, 1867.
Lucrezia Borgia, by Sydney French. Marylebone T., July 20, 1867.
Lucrezia Borgia, M.D., or La Grande Doctresse, by Henry J. Byron. Holborn, October 28, 1868.
Lucrezia Borgia, M.D., or La Grande Doctresse, by Henry J. Byron. Holborn, October 28, 1868.
Lucy of Lammermoor, burlesque opera, by W. H. Oxberry. Strand, February, 1848.
Lucy of Lammermoor, parody opera, by W. H. Oxberry. Strand, February, 1848.
Lucia di Lammermoor, or the Laird, the Lady, and the Lover, by Henry J. Byron. Prince of Wales’s, Sept. 25, 1865. Harry Cox, F. Dewar, J. Clarke, Misses Marie Wilton, and F. Josephs.
Lucia di Lammermoor, or the Laird, the Lady, and the Lover, by Henry J. Byron. Prince of Wales’s, Sept. 25, 1865. Harry Cox, F. Dewar, J. Clarke, Misses Marie Wilton, and F. Josephs.
Lurline, or the Rhine and the Rhino, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Lurline, or the Rhine and the Rhino, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Lurline, by R. Reece & H. B. Farnie. Avenue, April 24, 1886.
Lurline, by R. Reece & H. B. Farnie. Avenue, April 24, 1886.
The Lying Dutchman, a Phantom Folly, by Hue and Eye. Strand. Harry Cox, Marius, Penley, Miss Lottie Venne.
The Lying Dutchman, a Phantom Folly, by Hue and Eye. Strand. Harry Cox, Marius, Penley, Miss Lottie Venne.
The Lying Dutchman, by Frank W. Green and W. Swanborough. Strand, December 21, 1876.
The Lying Dutchman, by Frank W. Green and W. Swanborough. Strand, December 21, 1876.
Macbeth Travestie, by W. K. Northall. Olympic T., New York, October 16, 1843. Mitchell.
Macbeth Travestie, by W. K. Northall. Olympic T., New York, October 16, 1843. Mitchell.
Macbeth Travestie. See “Rejected Addresses,” by James and Horace Smith.
Macbeth Travesty. See “Rejected Addresses,” by James and Horace Smith.
Macbeth, somewhat removed from the Text of Shakespeare, by Francis Talfourd. First performed at Henley-on-Thames (Regatta), June 17, 1847; at the Strand, January 10, 1848; at Olympic, April 25, 1853. In the last instance F. Robson played Macbeth.
Macbeth, slightly adapted from Shakespeare's original text, by Francis Talfourd. First performed at Henley-on-Thames (Regatta), June 17, 1847; at the Strand, January 10, 1848; at Olympic, April 25, 1853. In the last performance, F. Robson portrayed Macbeth.
Macbeth Mystified, by W. H. Mason and J. E. Roe. Theatre Royal Brighton, May 3, 1869.
Macbeth Mystified, by W. H. Mason and J. E. Roe. Theatre Royal Brighton, May 3, 1869.
Madeira; or W(h)ines from the Wood, by Henry Adams. King’s Cross, October 25, 1875.
Madeira; or Wines from the Wood, by Henry Adams. King’s Cross, October 25, 1875.
The Mad Mother and her Lost Son, burlesque of “Il Trovatore.” Theatre Royal, Scarborough, April 21, 1884.
The Mad Mother and her Lost Son, a parody of “Il Trovatore.” Theatre Royal, Scarborough, April 21, 1884.
The Magic Mirror, burlesque spectacle, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Princess’s, December 26, 1843.
The Magic Mirror, a comedic performance, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Princess’s, December 26, 1843.
The Magic Whisper Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.
The Magic Whisper Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.
The Maid and the Magpie Travestie; or, the Fatal Spoon, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, October 11, 1858. J. Clarke, H. J. Turner, J. Bland, Misses Marie Wilton, M. Oliver and Hughes.
The Maid and the Magpie Travestie; or, the Fatal Spoon, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, October 11, 1858. J. Clarke, H. J. Turner, J. Bland, Miss Marie Wilton, M. Oliver, and Hughes.
Man-Fred, burlesque by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Strand, December 26, 1834. Mitchell, Miss P. Horton.
Man-Fred, a spoof by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Strand, December 26, 1834. Mitchell, Miss P. Horton.
The Marble Maiden; or, Zampa in Miniature, by G. M. Layton. Royalty, July 24, 1873.
The Marble Maiden; or, Zampa in Miniature, by G. M. Layton. Royalty, July 24, 1873.
The Marble Maiden, by J. H. Stocqueler. Lyceum, March 5, 1846. Alfred Wigan, Mr. and Mrs. Keeley.
The Marble Maiden, by J. H. Stocqueler. Lyceum, March 5, 1846. Alfred Wigan, Mr. and Mrs. Keeley.
The Marriage of Sir Gawaine; or, King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. T. H. Lacy, 1861. Not acted.
The Marriage of Sir Gawaine; or, King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. T. H. Lacy, 1861. Not performed.
Martha; or, the Fair Lady, and the Farmer of Richmond Fair, by Captain Arbuthnot. Plymouth, 1866.
Martha; or, the Fair Lady, and the Farmer of Richmond Fair, by Captain Arbuthnot. Plymouth, 1866.
Martha, burlesque, by Robert Reece. Gaiety, April 14, 1873.
Martha, burlesque, by Robert Reece. Gaiety, April 14, 1873.
Mary Turner, by F. C. Burnand. Holborn, Oct. 25, 1867.
Mary Turner, by F. C. Burnand. Holborn, Oct. 25, 1867.
Masaniello; or, the Fish’oman of Naples, by Robert B. Brough. Olympic, July 2, 1857. F. Robson, Miss Hughes.
Masaniello; or, the Fisherman of Naples, by Robert B. Brough. Olympic, July 2, 1857. F. Robson, Miss Hughes.
Masse-en-Yell-Oh, a riotous, socialistic travestie, by Harry Paulton and “Mostyn Tedde.” Comedy, March 23, 1886.
Masse-en-Yell-Oh, a wild, socialistic comedy, by Harry Paulton and “Mostyn Tedde.” Comedy, March 23, 1886.
Mazeppa, an equestrian burlesque, by C. White. N. York.
Mazeppa, an equestrian comedy, by C. White. New York.
Mazeppa, by Henry J. Byron. Olympic, December 27, 1858. F. Robson, H. Wigan, Miss Wyndham.
Mazeppa, by Henry J. Byron. Olympic, December 27, 1858. F. Robson, H. Wigan, Miss Wyndham.
Mazeppa; or, “Bound” to Win, a Ride-diculous One-horse burlesque, in Three Hacks, by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, March 12, 1885. E. Royce, E. Terry, Misses E. Farren, and P. Broughton.
Mazeppa; or, “Bound” to Win, a Ridiculous One-Horse Burlesque, in Three Acts, by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, March 12, 1885. E. Royce, E. Terry, Misses E. Farren, and P. Broughton.
Mazourka; or, the Stick, the Pole, and the Tartar, burl.-extravaganza, by H. J. Byron. Strand, April 27, 1864.
Mazourka; or, the Stick, the Pole, and the Tartar, burl.-extravaganza, by H. J. Byron. Strand, April 27, 1864.
Medea; or, the Best of Mothers, by R. B. Brough. Olympic, July 14, 1856. F. Robson, Emery, and Miss J. St. George.
Medea; or, the Best of Mothers, by R. B. Brough. Olympic, July 14, 1856. F. Robson, Emery, and Miss J. St. George.
Mephisto, travestie, by Byron M’Guiness. Royalty, June 14, 1886.
Mephisto, travesty, by Byron M’Guiness. Royalty, June 14, 1886.
339 Merchant of Venice travestie, by F. Talfourd. Oxford, 1849.
339 Merchant of Venice travesty, by F. Talfourd. Oxford, 1849.
Merry Mignon; or, the Beauty and the Bard, operatic-burlesque, by J. Wilton Jones. Court Theatre, Liverpool, April 26, 1882.
Merry Mignon; or, the Beauty and the Bard, operatic-burlesque, by J. Wilton Jones. Court Theatre, Liverpool, April 26, 1882.
The Merry Zingara; or, the Tipsy Gipsy, and the Pipsy Wipsy, a whimsical parody on the “Bohemian Girl,” by W. S. Gilbert. Royalty, March 31, 1868. F. Dewar, Danvers, Misses M. Oliver, and C. Saunders. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
The Merry Zingara; or, the Tipsy Gipsy, and the Pipsy Wipsy, a playful take on the “Bohemian Girl,” by W. S. Gilbert. Royalty, March 31, 1868. F. Dewar, Danvers, Misses M. Oliver, and C. Saunders. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
Metamora; or, the Last of the Pollywogs, by John Brougham. Adelphi, Boston, U.S., November 29, 1847. Mr. and Mrs. John Brougham.
Metamora; or, the Last of the Pollywogs, by John Brougham. Adelphi, Boston, U.S., November 29, 1847. Mr. and Mrs. John Brougham.
Midas, by Kane O’Hara. Crow Street Theatre, Dublin, 1762. Covent Garden, London, February 22, 1764.
Midas, by Kane O’Hara. Crow Street Theatre, Dublin, 1762. Covent Garden, London, February 22, 1764.
The Midnight Spectre,!!! or, the Fatal Secret, a Richardsonian melo-drama, by Nelson Lee, Junior. Crystal Palace (R.D.C.), July 21, 1861.
The Midnight Spectre,!!! or, the Fatal Secret, a Richardsonian melodrama, by Nelson Lee, Junior. Crystal Palace (R.D.C.), July 21, 1861.
The Miller of Mansfield, burl. London. E. West, 1851.
The Miller of Mansfield, burl. London. E. West, 1851.
The Miller and his Men, a burlesque mealy-drama, by Francis Talfourd and Henry J. Byron. Strand, April 9, 1860. J. Clarke, J. Rogers, Miss Marie Wilton.
The Miller and his Men, a comedic drama, by Francis Talfourd and Henry J. Byron. Strand, April 9, 1860. J. Clarke, J. Rogers, Miss Marie Wilton.
The Military Billy Taylor; or, the War in Cariboo, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, April 22, 1869. F. Dewar, Danvers, Misses C. Saunders and M. Oliver.
The Military Billy Taylor; or, the War in Cariboo, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, April 22, 1869. F. Dewar, Danvers, Misses C. Saunders and M. Oliver.
Mind the Shop, comedy-burlesque, by Robert Reece and Edward Righton. Globe, April 22, 1878.
Mind the Shop, comedy-burlesque, by Robert Reece and Edward Righton. Globe, April 22, 1878.
Miss Eily O’Connor, a burlesque of “The Colleen Bawn,” by Henry J. Byron. Drury Lane, November 25, 1861. Tom Matthews, and Miss L. Keeley.
Miss Eily O’Connor, a parody of “The Colleen Bawn,” by Henry J. Byron. Drury Lane, November 25, 1861. Tom Matthews, and Miss L. Keeley.
Miss Esmeralda, by “A. C. Torr.” (Fred J. Leslie) and Horace Mills. Gaiety, October 8, 1887.
Miss Esmeralda, by “A. C. Torr.” (Fred J. Leslie) and Horace Mills. Gaiety, October 8, 1887.
Miss Merrick, burlesque-drama, by G. S. Brodie.
Miss Merrick, a burlesque drama by G. S. Brodie.
Mr. Robert Roy, Hielan Helen, his Wife, and Dougal the Dodger, by William Lowe. Pavilion, Glasgow, December 11, 1880.
Mr. Robert Roy, Hielan Helen, his Wife, and Dougal the Dodger, by William Lowe. Pavilion, Glasgow, December 11, 1880.
The Mistletoe Bough, by H. B. Farnie. Adelphi, December 26, 1870.
The Mistletoe Bough, by H. B. Farnie. Adelphi, December 26, 1870.
Monte Christo Jun., burlesque-melodrama, by “Richard Henry.” Gaiety, December 23, 1886. G. Honey, F. Leslie, and Miss E. Farren.
Monte Christo Jun., a comedic melodrama, by “Richard Henry.” Gaiety, December 23, 1886. G. Honey, F. Leslie, and Miss E. Farren.
The Motto, I am “all there,” by H. J. Byron. Strand, July 16, 1863.
The Motto, I am “all there,” by H. J. Byron. Strand, July 16, 1863.
Moths à la Mode, by F. Hugh Herbert. Princess’s Theatre, Edinburgh, March 5, 1883.
Moths à la Mode, by F. Hugh Herbert. Princess’s Theatre, Edinburgh, March 5, 1883.
Moths Quitos; or, Ouida’s Moths, by D. W. Edgar. Theatre Royal, Middlesborough, April 21, 1882.
Moths Quitos; or, Ouida’s Moths, by D. W. Edgar. Theatre Royal, Middlesborough, April 21, 1882.
Mountain Dhu; or, the Knight! the Lady! and the Lake! by Andrew Halliday. Adelphi, Dec. 26, 1866. J. L. Toole, Paul Bedford, Mrs. A. Mellon, Miss Furtado.
Mountain Dhu; or, the Knight! the Lady! and the Lake! by Andrew Halliday. Adelphi, Dec. 26, 1866. J. L. Toole, Paul Bedford, Mrs. A. Mellon, Miss Furtado.
Much Ado about a Merchant of Venice. From the Original Text—a Long Way. By John Brougham. New York, 1868.
Much Ado about a Merchant of Venice. From the Original Text—a Long Way. By John Brougham. New York, 1868.
My-fisto, burlesque-extravaganza, by Vere Montague and Frank St. Clare. T. R., Colchester, Jan. 24, 1887.
My-fisto, a burlesque extravaganza, by Vere Montague and Frank St. Clare. T. R., Colchester, Jan. 24, 1887.
Mysseltoe Bough Burlesque, by Mr. Marchant.
Mysseltoe Bough Burlesque, by Mr. Marchant.
Nero, a Romantick Fiddler, by T. H. Bayley. English Opera House, August, 1833.
Nero, a Romantic Fiddler, by T. H. Bayley. English Opera House, August, 1833.
The New Corsican Brothers, by Cecil Raleigh. Royalty, November 20, 1889. Arthur Roberts.
The New Corsican Brothers, by Cecil Raleigh. Royalty, November 20, 1889. Arthur Roberts.
A New Edition of the Corsican Brothers; or, the Kompact, the Kick, and the Kombat, by W. H. Mason. Theatre Royal, Brighton, July 18, 1870.
A New Edition of the Corsican Brothers; or, the Kompact, the Kick, and the Kombat, by W. H. Mason. Theatre Royal, Brighton, July 18, 1870.
New Don Juan, by J. B. Buckstone. Adelphi, 1828.
New Don Juan, by J. B. Buckstone. Adelphi, 1828.
The New King Richard the Third, by C. H. Hazlewood. Britannia, April 1, 1878.
The New King Richard the Third, by C. H. Hazlewood. Britannia, April 1, 1878.
Nobody’s Cheild, by H. T. Arden. Cremorne, August 10, 1868, and Surrey, October 8, 1870.
Nobody’s Cheild, by H. T. Arden. Cremorne, August 10, 1868, and Surrey, October 8, 1870.
Noodledom, by Edwin Marshall. Lecture Hall, Walworth, January 10, 1877.
Noodledom, by Edwin Marshall. Lecture Hall, Walworth, January 10, 1877.
Norma, burlesque, by J. H. Draper. Royal Hall, Jersey, March 5, 1875.
Norma, burlesque, by J. H. Draper. Royal Hall, Jersey, March 5, 1875.
Norma Travestie, burlesque-burletta, by W. H. Oxberry. Adelphi, December 6, 1841. Paul Bedford and Wright.
Norma Travestie, burlesque-burletta, by W. H. Oxberry. Adelphi, December 6, 1841. Paul Bedford and Wright.
The Norman Invasion, burlesque, by J. M. Killick. Saint George’s Hall, October 26, 1870.
The Norman Invasion, parody, by J. M. Killick. Saint George’s Hall, October 26, 1870.
No Thorough-fair beyond Highbury; or, the Maid, the Mother, and the Malicious Mountaineer, by Mr. Hazlewood, Junior. Alexandra, April 13, 1868.
No Thorough-fair beyond Highbury; or, the Maid, the Mother, and the Malicious Mountaineer, by Mr. Hazlewood, Junior. Alexandra, April 13, 1868.
No Thoroughfare, burl., by George Grossmith. Victoria, March 22, 1869.
No Thoroughfare, burl., by George Grossmith. Victoria, March 22, 1869.
Nottingham Castle, burl., by F. R. Goodyer. Nottingham Theatre, September 22, 1873.
Nottingham Castle, burl., by F. R. Goodyer. Nottingham Theatre, September 22, 1873.
Novelty Fair, a review, by Albert Smith. Lyceum, May 21, 1850. C. Mathews, F. Matthews, Julia St. George.
Novelty Fair, a review, by Albert Smith. Lyceum, May 21, 1850. C. Mathews, F. Matthews, Julia St. George.
The Nymph of the Lurleyburg; or, the Knight and the Naiads, by Henry James Byron. New Adelphi, Dec. 26, 1859. Founded on the Legend of “Lurline.” J. L. Toole, Paul Bedford, & Miss Woolgar.
The Nymph of the Lurleyburg; or, the Knight and the Naiads, by Henry James Byron. New Adelphi, Dec. 26, 1859. Based on the Legend of “Lurline.” J. L. Toole, Paul Bedford, & Miss Woolgar.
O Gemini! or, the Brothers of Co(u)rse, by Gilbert A. à Beckett and Mark Lemon. Haymarket, April 12, 1852. J. B. Buckstone.
O Gemini! or, the Brothers of Course, by Gilbert A. à Beckett and Mark Lemon. Haymarket, April 12, 1852. J. B. Buckstone.
The O’Dora: or, a Wrong Accent, travestie of Sardou’s “Theodora,” by F. C. Burnand. Toole’s, July 13, 1885.
The O’Dora: or, a Wrong Accent, a parody of Sardou’s “Theodora,” by F. C. Burnand. Toole’s, July 13, 1885.
Oh! Aida, or a Game at Pyramids.
Oh! Aida, or a Game at Pyramids.
Oh! Those Babes; or, the Unhappy Uncle, the Virtuous Villains, and the Cheeky Children, by Will Clements. T. R., Woolwich, June 18, 1888.
Oh! Those Babes; or, the Unhappy Uncle, the Virtuous Villains, and the Cheeky Children, by Will Clements. T. R., Woolwich, June 18, 1888.
O’ Jupiter; or the Fiddler’s Wife, by Frank Hall. Philharmonic, October 2, 1880.
O’ Jupiter; or the Fiddler’s Wife, by Frank Hall. Philharmonic, October 2, 1880.
Old Carlisle Bridge; or, the Shame of the City, a burl. Dublin Street drama, by William Scribble. Queen’s Theatre, Dublin, 1862.
Old Carlisle Bridge; or, the Shame of the City, a burl. Dublin Street drama, by William Scribble. Queen’s Theatre, Dublin, 1862.
Old Izaak Walton; or, Tom Moore of Fleet Street, the Silver Trout, and the Seven Sisters of Tottenham. Panto-opening, by T. L. Greenwood. Sadler’s Wells, December, 1858.
Old Izaak Walton; or, Tom Moore of Fleet Street, the Silver Trout, and the Seven Sisters of Tottenham. Panto-opening, by T. L. Greenwood. Sadler’s Wells, December, 1858.
Old Pals, burlesque, by Lloyd Clarance. South Shields Theatre, August 7, 1884.
Old Pals, burlesque, by Lloyd Clarance. South Shields Theatre, August 7, 1884.
Oliver Grumble, by George Dance. Prince of Wales’s T., Liverpool, March 15, 1886. Novelty T., London, March 25, 1886.
Oliver Grumble, by George Dance. Prince of Wales’s T., Liverpool, March 15, 1886. Novelty T., London, March 25, 1886.
Olympic Games; or, the Major, the Miner, and the Cock-a-doodle-doo, by F. C. Burnand. Olympic, April 22, 1867. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, W.
Olympic Games; or, the Major, the Miner, and the Cock-a-doodle-doo, by F. C. Burnand. Olympic, April 22, 1867. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, W.
Olympic Devils; or, Orpheus and Eurydice. A mythological burlesque, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, Dec. 26, 1831. J. Bland, W. Vining, Madame Vestris.
Olympic Devils; or, Orpheus and Eurydice. A mythological burlesque, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, Dec. 26, 1831. J. Bland, W. Vining, Madame Vestris.
Olympic Revels; or, Prometheus and Pandora, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, January 3, 1831. J. Cooper, Beckwith and Madame Vestris.
Olympic Revels; or, Prometheus and Pandora, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, January 3, 1831. J. Cooper, Beckwith and Madame Vestris.
On the Rink; or, the Girl He left Behind Him, by F. C. Burnand. Duke’s Theatre, February 26, 1876.
On the Rink; or, the Girl He Left Behind Him, by F. C. Burnand. Duke’s Theatre, February 26, 1876.
Open Sesame! or a Night with the Forty Thieves.
Open Sesame! or a Night with the Forty Thieves.
The Orange Tree and the Humble Bee; or, the Little Princess who was Lost at Sea, burlesque by Henry J. Byron. Vaudeville, May 13, 1871.
The Orange Tree and the Humble Bee; or, the Little Princess who was Lost at Sea, a comedic play by Henry J. Byron. Vaudeville, May 13, 1871.
Orlando ye Brave, and ye Fayre Rosalynde; or, “As you Lump it.” A Comycke Pastorale, by Master William Shakesydes. London, no date.
Orlando the Brave, and the Fair Rosalynde; or, “As you Like It.” A Comical Pastoral, by Master William Shakespeare. London, no date.
Orpheus and Eurydice; or, the Young Gentleman who charmed the Rocks, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, Dec. 26, 1863. D. James, George Honey, Marie Wilton.
Orpheus and Eurydice; or, the Young Gentleman who charmed the Rocks, by Henry J. Byron. Strand, Dec. 26, 1863. D. James, George Honey, Marie Wilton.
Orpheus; or, the Magic Lyre, by F. C. Burnand. For Amateurs. London, S. O. Beeton, 1865.
Orpheus; or, the Magic Lyre, by F. C. Burnand. For Amateurs. London, S. O. Beeton, 1865.
Orpheus in the Haymarket, by J. R. Planché. Haymarket, December 26, 1865.
Orpheus in the Haymarket, by J. R. Planché. Haymarket, December 26, 1865.
Othello Travestie, burlesque-burletta, by Maurice G. Dowling. Liverpool Theatre, Liverpool, March, 1834.
Othello Travestie, a burlesque-burletta by Maurice G. Dowling. Liverpool Theatre, Liverpool, March 1834.
340 The Other Little Lord Fondleboy, travestie, by Frederick Bowyer. Avenue, June 18, 1888.
340 The Other Little Lord Fondleboy, parody, by Frederick Bowyer. Avenue, June 18, 1888.
Our Cinderella, by R. Reece. Gaiety, Sept. 8, 1883.
Our Cinderella, by R. Reece. Gaiety, Sept. 8, 1883.
Our Helen, burlesque, adapted from “La Belle Helène,” by Robert Reece. Gaiety, April 8, 1884.
Our Helen, a burlesque based on “La Belle Helène,” by Robert Reece. Gaiety, April 8, 1884.
Our Own Antony and Cleopatra, “an absurdity,” by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, September 8, 1873.
Our Own Antony and Cleopatra, “a ridiculous idea,” by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, September 8, 1873.
Our Traviata, burlesque, by W. F. Vandervell. Surrey Theatre, September 14, 1857.
Our Traviata, burlesque, by W. F. Vandervell. Surrey Theatre, September 14, 1857.
Our War Correspondent, burl., Leicester T., May 27, 1878.
Our War Correspondent, burl., Leicester T., May 27, 1878.
Out of the Ranks, burlesque, by Robert Reece. Strand, June 3, 1884.
Out of the Ranks, burlesque, by Robert Reece. Strand, June 3, 1884.
Oxygen; or, Gas in Burlesque Metre, by R. Reece and H. B. Farnie. Folly, March 31, 1877.
Oxygen; or, Gas in Burlesque Metre, by R. Reece and H. B. Farnie. Folly, March 31, 1877.
Paddy in the Moon Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Paddy in the Moon Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Pan; or, the Loves of Echo and Narcissus, by H. J. Byron.
Pan; or, the Loves of Echo and Narcissus, by H. J. Byron.
Pandora’s Box, by H. J. Byron. Prince of Wales’s, December 26, 1866.
Pandora’s Box, by H. J. Byron. Prince of Wales’s, December 26, 1866.
The Paphian Bower; or, Venus and Adonis. A mythological burlesque, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, Dec. 26, 1832. Benjamin Webster, W. Vining, J. Bland, Madame Vestris.
The Paphian Bower; or, Venus and Adonis. A mythological burlesque, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, Dec. 26, 1832. Benjamin Webster, W. Vining, J. Bland, Madame Vestris.
Papillonetta, by W. Brough. Prince of Wales’s Theatre, Liverpool, December 26, 1865.
Papillonetta, by W. Brough. Prince of Wales’s Theatre, Liverpool, December 26, 1865.
Paris; or, Vive Lemprière, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, April 2, 1886. David James, Thomas Thorne, H. J. Turner, J. D. Stoyle.
Paris; or, Vive Lemprière, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, April 2, 1886. David James, Thomas Thorne, H. J. Turner, J. D. Stoyle.
Patient Penelope; or, the Return of Ulysses, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, November 25, 1863.
Patient Penelope; or, the Return of Ulysses, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, November 25, 1863.
Paul and Virginia, burlesque, by Arthur Wood. Olympic, October 15, 1870.
Paul and Virginia, a parody, by Arthur Wood. Olympic, October 15, 1870.
Paul Clifford Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Paul Clifford Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Paw Clawdian, or, the Roman Awry, a travestie of “Claudian,” by F. C. Burnand. Toole’s, February 14, 1884. J. L. Toole, W. Cheesman, Miss Marie Linden.
Paw Clawdian, or, the Roman Awry, a parody of “Claudian,” by F. C. Burnand. Toole’s, February 14, 1884. J. L. Toole, W. Cheesman, Miss Marie Linden.
The Peddler of Very Nice, a burlesque of the Trial Scene in “The Merchant of Venice.” Anonymous. Boston, U.S., Lee and Shepard, 1866.
The Peddler of Very Nice, a parody of the Trial Scene in “The Merchant of Venice.” Anonymous. Boston, U.S., Lee and Shepard, 1866.
Pentheus, an Echo of the Greek Drama, by Vincent Amcotts and W. R. Anson. Oxford, T. and G. Shrimpton, 1866.
Pentheus, an Echo of the Greek Drama, by Vincent Amcotts and W. R. Anson. Oxford, T. and G. Shrimpton, 1866.
The People’s William; or, Randy the (W) Reckless and the Grand Old Man all at Sea. Birkenhead T., May 12, 1884.
The People’s William; or, Randy the (W) Reckless and the Grand Old Man all at Sea. Birkenhead T., May 12, 1884.
Perdita; or, the Royal Milkmaid, by W. Brough. Lyceum, September 15, 1856.
Perdita; or, the Royal Milkmaid, by W. Brough. Lyceum, September 15, 1856.
Perola; or, the Jewel and the Duel. Rotherham Theatre, March 19, 1883.
Perola; or, the Jewel and the Duel. Rotherham Theatre, March 19, 1883.
Perseus and Andromeda, burlesque, by William Brough.
Perseus and Andromeda, a parody, by William Brough.
Peter Wilkins, an extravagant extrav, by Gilbert A. à Beckett and Mark Lemon. Adelphi, April 13, 1846.
Peter Wilkins, a flashy extrovert, by Gilbert A. à Beckett and Mark Lemon. Adelphi, April 13, 1846.
Peter Wilkins. Panto-opening, by E. L. Blanchard. Drury Lane, December, 1860.
Peter Wilkins. Panto-opening, by E. L. Blanchard. Drury Lane, December, 1860.
Phæton; or, Pride must have a Fall, by William Brough. For Amateurs. London: S. O. Beeton, 1865.
Phæton; or, Pride Must Have a Fall, by William Brough. For Amateurs. London: S. O. Beeton, 1865.
Pickwick, dramatic Cantata, by F. C. Burnand. Comedy, February, 1889. Arthur Cecil, Rutland Barrington, Miss Lottie Venne.
Pickwick, a dramatic cantata by F. C. Burnand. Comedy, February 1889. Arthur Cecil, Rutland Barrington, Miss Lottie Venne.
Pietro Wilkini; or, the Castaways, the Wild Men, and the Winged Beauty, burlesque, by F. Eyles, Jun. Swiss Gardens, Shoreham, August 18, 1870.
Pietro Wilkini; or, the Castaways, the Wild Men, and the Winged Beauty, a burlesque by F. Eyles, Jun. Swiss Gardens, Shoreham, August 18, 1870.
Pirithous, the Son of Ixion, burl., by F. C. Burnand.
Pirithous, the Son of Ixion, burl., by F. C. Burnand.
Pizarro; a Spanish Rolla-King Peruvian Drama, by C. J. Collins. Drury Lane, September 22, 1856. Mr. and Mrs. Keeley, Mrs. Frank Matthews, George Honey.
Pizarro; a Spanish Rolla-King Peruvian Drama, by C. J. Collins. Drury Lane, September 22, 1856. Mr. and Mrs. Keeley, Mrs. Frank Matthews, George Honey.
Pizarro; or, the Leotard of Peru, by Leicester Buckingham. Strand, 1862. James Rogers, J. Clarke, Misses Eleanor Bufton, and C. Saunders.
Pizarro; or, the Leotard of Peru, by Leicester Buckingham. Strand, 1862. James Rogers, J. Clarke, Misses Eleanor Bufton, and C. Saunders.
Pizarro, the Great Tyrant, burlesque, by Mr. Marchant.
Pizarro, the Great Tyrant, parody, by Mr. Marchant.
Plucky Parthenia, by Robert Reece. Portsmouth, February 26, 1874.
Plucky Parthenia, by Robert Reece. Portsmouth, February 26, 1874.
Pluto and Proserpine; or, the Belle, and the Pomegranate, by F. Talfourd. Haymarket, April 5, 1858. Compton, Clark, Braid, Miss L. Leclercq.
Pluto and Proserpine; or, the Belle, and the Pomegranate, by F. Talfourd. Haymarket, April 5, 1858. Compton, Clark, Braid, Miss L. Leclercq.
Pluto; or, Little Orpheus and His Lute, by H. J. Byron. Royalty, December 26, 1881. W. J. Hill, C. Glenney, Miss Lydia Thompson.
Pluto; or, Little Orpheus and His Lute, by H. J. Byron. Royalty, December 26, 1881. W. J. Hill, C. Glenney, Miss Lydia Thompson.
Po-ca-hon-tas; or, the Gentle Savage, burlesque, by John Brougham. Wallack’s Theatre, New York, U.S.
Po-ca-hon-tas; or, the Gentle Savage, parody, by John Brougham. Wallack’s Theatre, New York, U.S.
Poll and Partner Joe; or, the Pride of Putney, and the Pressing Pirate, by F. C. Burnand. St. James’s, May 6, 1871. Lionel Brough, H. Cox, Mrs. John Wood.
Poll and Partner Joe; or, the Pride of Putney, and the Pressing Pirate, by F. C. Burnand. St. James’s, May 6, 1871. Lionel Brough, H. Cox, Mrs. John Wood.
The Pretty Druidess; or, the Mother, the Maid, and the Miseltoe Bough (founded on “Norma”), by W. S. Gilbert. Charing Cross, June 19, 1869. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
The Pretty Druidess; or, the Mother, the Maid, and the Miseltoe Bough (based on “Norma”), by W. S. Gilbert. Charing Cross, June 19, 1869. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
Pretty Esmeralda and Captain Phœbus of Ours, by Henry J. Byron. Gaiety, April 2, 1879. E. Royce, Edward Terry, Misses E. Farren, C. Gilchrist, and Kate Vaughan.
Pretty Esmeralda and Captain Phœbus of Ours, by Henry J. Byron. Gaiety, April 2, 1879. E. Royce, Edward Terry, Misses E. Farren, C. Gilchrist, and Kate Vaughan.
Pretty Miss Pippin, by Percy Vere (Amateur).
Pretty Miss Pippin, by Percy Vere (Amateur).
Prince Cherry, and Princess Fair Star, by E. J. Collins. Strand, July 11, 1855.
Prince Cherry, and Princess Fair Star, by E. J. Collins. Strand, July 11, 1855.
Prince Love; or, the Fays of the Forest, by F. Vandervell. Philharmonic Theatre, December 26, 1870.
Prince Love; or, the Fays of the Forest, by F. Vandervell. Philharmonic Theatre, December 26, 1870.
Prince Sohobazar; or, Eighteen-carat Soup, burlesque-extrav., by E. W. Bowles. Kilburn Town Hall, London, December 11, 1885.
Prince Sohobazar; or, Eighteen-carat Soup, burlesque-extrav., by E. W. Bowles. Kilburn Town Hall, London, December 11, 1885.
The Princess, by W. S. Gilbert. Olympic, January 8, 1870.
The Princess, by W. S. Gilbert. Olympic, January 8, 1870.
Princess Ida; or, Castle Adamant. Respectful perversion of Tennyson’s “Princess,” by W. S. Gilbert. Savoy T., January 5, 1884. R. Barrington, G. Grossmith, Misses Braham and Brandram.
Princess Ida; or, Castle Adamant. A creative twist on Tennyson’s “Princess,” by W. S. Gilbert. Savoy T., January 5, 1884. R. Barrington, G. Grossmith, Misses Braham and Brandram.
Princess Ouida; or, Castle Adamandeve, by H. G. F. Taylor. London: A. Hays, 1886.
Princess Ouida; or, Castle Adamandeve, by H. G. F. Taylor. London: A. Hays, 1886.
Princess Primrose, by Messrs. Bellingham and Best. Olympic, June 13, 1866.
Princess Primrose, by Bellingham and Best. Olympic, June 13, 1866.
Printer’s Devil, burlesque extrav. Anonymous.
Printer’s Devil, burlesque extravaganza. Anonymous.
Prometheus; or, The Man on the Rock, by R. Reece.
Prometheus; or, The Man on the Rock, by R. Reece.
The Proscribed Royalist; or, Who Stole the Ducks, by Frank Seymour. Opera House, Leicester, August 1, 1881.
The Proscribed Royalist; or, Who Stole the Ducks, by Frank Seymour. Opera House, Leicester, August 1, 1881.
Prospero; or, the King of the Caliban Islands. Imperial Theatre, December 26, 1883.
Prospero; or, the King of the Caliban Islands. Imperial Theatre, December 26, 1883.
Pygmalion; or, the Statue Fair, by William Brough. Strand, April 20, 1867.
Pygmalion; or, the Statue Fair, by William Brough. Strand, April 20, 1867.
Puss in a new pair of Boots, by H. J. Byron. Strand, 1862.
Puss in a New Pair of Boots, by H. J. Byron. Strand, 1862.
Quasimodo, the Deformed; or, the Man with the Hump, and the Belle of Notre Dame, by H. Spry. Grecian, April 18, 1870.
Quasimodo, the Deformed; or, the Man with the Hump, and the Beauty of Notre Dame, by H. Spry. Grecian, April 18, 1870.
Queen of Hearts, burlesque. Sanger’s Amphitheatre, Ramsgate, July 14, 1884.
Queen of Hearts, burlesque. Sanger’s Amphitheatre, Ramsgate, July 14, 1884.
The Quizziology of the British Drama, comprising stage passions, stage characters, and stage plays, by Gilbert Abbott à Beckett. London, Punch Office, 1846. With this is usually found Scenes from the Rejected Comedies. See “Scenes.”
The Quizziology of the British Drama, which includes stage passions, stage characters, and stage plays, by Gilbert Abbott à Beckett. London, Punch Office, 1846. This is often accompanied by Scenes from the Rejected Comedies. See “Scenes.”
Randolph the Reckless, extravaganza, by Victor Stevens. Salford T., August 6, 1888.
Randolph the Reckless, extravaganza, by Victor Stevens. Salford T., August 6, 1888.
Rasselas, Prince of Abyssinia, burlesque, by W. Brough. Haymarket, December 26, 1862. Chippendale, Tilbury, Compton, Louise Keeley.
Rasselas, Prince of Abyssinia, burlesque, by W. Brough. Haymarket, December 26, 1862. Chippendale, Tilbury, Compton, Louise Keeley.
Le Raw Carotte, by G. Thorne. Margate T., Sept. 19, 1873
Le Raw Carotte, by G. Thorne. Margate T., Sept. 19, 1873
Raymond and Agnes Burlesque, by Mr. Marchant.
Raymond and Agnes Burlesque, by Mr. Marchant.
The Real Case of Hide and Seekyll, by George Grossmith. Royalty, September 3, 1888. In this Mr. Lionel Brough cleverly imitated both Mr. Mansfield & Mr. Bandmann.
The Real Case of Hide and Seekyll, by George Grossmith. Royalty, September 3, 1888. In this, Mr. Lionel Brough skillfully imitated both Mr. Mansfield and Mr. Bandmann.
The Red Rover; or, I believe you my Buoy, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, Dec. 26, 1887. Marius, Cox, Miss Lottie Venne.
The Red Rover; or, I believe you my Buoy, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, Dec. 26, 1887. Marius, Cox, Miss Lottie Venne.
341 The Rehearsal, as it was acted at the Theatre Royal, London, printed for Thomas Dring, 1672, by George Villiers, Duke of Buckingham. This celebrated work burlesques passages in the plays of Mrs. A. Behn, J. Dryden, Sir W. Davenant, Killigrew, and others. The history of The Rehearsal, with notes, and parallel passages has been ably written by Mr. Edward Arber in his series of valuable English Reprints. It was first acted on December 7, 1671.
341 The Rehearsal, performed at the Theatre Royal, London, published for Thomas Dring, 1672, by George Villiers, Duke of Buckingham. This famous work parodies scenes from the plays of Mrs. A. Behn, J. Dryden, Sir W. Davenant, Killigrew, and others. The background of The Rehearsal, along with notes and comparable excerpts, has been skillfully detailed by Mr. Edward Arber in his series of important English Reprints. It was first performed on December 7, 1671.
The Rehearsal, an Absurdity, by Harry Dacre.
The Rehearsal, an Absurdity, by Harry Dacre.
Revolt of the Workhouse, burlesque-opera, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Fitzroy Theatre, February 24, 1834.
Revolt of the Workhouse, burlesque-opera, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Fitzroy Theatre, February 24, 1834.
Richard III., travestie, by J. Stirling Coyne. Adelphi, February 12, 1844. Wright, Honey, and Miss Woolgar.
Richard III., parody, by J. Stirling Coyne. Adelphi, February 12, 1844. Wright, Honey, and Miss Woolgar.
Richard ye Third, by Charles Selby. Strand, Feb. 26, 1844.
Richard ye Third, by Charles Selby. Strand, Feb. 26, 1844.
Richelieu Redressed, by R. Reece. Olympic, Oct. 27, 1873.
Richelieu Redressed, by R. Reece. Olympic, Oct. 27, 1873.
Rienzi Reinstated; or, the Last of the Cobbler, by W. A. Allan. Globe, December 21, 1874.
Rienzi Reinstated; or, the Last of the Cobbler, by W. A. Allan. Globe, December 21, 1874.
The Right-Fall Heir; or, the Sea-Rover and the Fall over. By H. T. Arden, 1868.
The Right-Fall Heir; or, the Sea-Rover and the Fall over. By H. T. Arden, 1868.
The Right-Fellow; or, the Wrong-Fellow and the Felo d’ye see? By W. F. Marshall, R. N. School, New Cross, December 21, 1868.
The Right-Fellow; or, the Wrong-Fellow and the Felo d’ye see? By W. F. Marshall, R. N. School, New Cross, December 21, 1868.
Rip Van Winkle; or, Some Nambulistic Knickerbockers, by John Strachan and Henry Davis. Newcastle Theatre, April 2, 1866.
Rip Van Winkle; or, Some Nambulistic Knickerbockers, by John Strachan and Henry Davis. Newcastle Theatre, April 2, 1866.
Rip Van Winkle; or, a Little Game of Nap, by F. Savile Clarke. Portsmouth Theatre, March 29, 1880.
Rip Van Winkle; or, a Little Game of Nap, by F. Savile Clarke. Portsmouth Theatre, March 29, 1880.
Riquet with the Tuft, burlesque-extrav., by J. R. Planché. Olympic, Dec. 26, 1836. Charles Mathews, J. Bland, Madame Vestris, Miss R. Isaacs, Mrs. Anderson.
Riquet with the Tuft, burlesque-extrav., by J. R. Planché. Olympic, Dec. 26, 1836. Charles Mathews, J. Bland, Madame Vestris, Miss R. Isaacs, Mrs. Anderson.
The Rise and Fall of Richard III.; or, a New Front to an old Dicky, a Richardsonian burlesque, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, September 24, 1868. Dewar, Misses C. Saunders, Nellie Bromley and M. Oliver.
The Rise and Fall of Richard III.; or, a New Front to an old Dicky, a Richardsonian burlesque, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, September 24, 1868. Dewar, Misses C. Saunders, Nellie Bromley and M. Oliver.
Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
The Rival Rascals; or, Virtue Rewarded, and Vice Versa, by Alfred Greenland, Jun. St. George’s May 3, 1877.
The Rival Rascals; or, Virtue Rewarded, and Vice Versa, by Alfred Greenland, Jun. St. George’s May 3, 1877.
The Rival Sergeants, burletta, by William Collier. Sadler’s Wells, April 5, 1847.
The Rival Sergeants, a short comic opera, by William Collier. Sadler’s Wells, April 5, 1847.
Robert the Devil; or, the Nun, the Dun, and the Son of a Gun, by W. S. Gilbert. Gaiety, Dec. 21, 1868. J. G. Taylor, R. Soutar, Miss E. Farren. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
Robert the Devil; or, the Nun, the Dun, and the Son of a Gun, by W. S. Gilbert. Gaiety, Dec. 21, 1868. J. G. Taylor, R. Soutar, Miss E. Farren. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
Robert Macaire; or, the Roadside Inn Turned Inside Out, by Henry J. Byron. Globe, April 16, 1870. J. Clarke, and Fanny Josephs.
Robert Macaire; or, the Roadside Inn Turned Inside Out, by Henry J. Byron. Globe, April 16, 1870. J. Clarke, and Fanny Josephs.
Robert Macaire Renovated, by Lloyd Clarance. Barnsley Theatre, March 3, 1884.
Robert Macaire Renovated, by Lloyd Clarance. Barnsley Theatre, March 3, 1884.
Robert Make-Airs; or, the Two Fugitives. Ethiopian burlesque, by E. Warden. New York, 1856.
Robert Make-Airs; or, the Two Fugitives. Ethiopian burlesque, by E. Warden. New York, 1856.
Robin Hood, burl. spectacle, by Messrs. Stocqueler, Shirley Brooks, and Charles Kenny. Lyceum, May 4, 1846.
Robin Hood, a brilliant show, by Messrs. Stocqueler, Shirley Brooks, and Charles Kenny. Lyceum, May 4, 1846.
Robin Hood. Panto-opening by E. L. Blanchard. Drury Lane, December, 1858.
Robin Hood. Panto-opening by E. L. Blanchard. Drury Lane, December, 1858.
Robin Hood; or, the Forester’s Fate, by F. C. Burnand. Olympic, December 26, 1862.
Robin Hood; or, the Forester’s Fate, by F. C. Burnand. Olympic, December 26, 1862.
Robin Hood, Burlesque, by William Brough. For amateurs. London: S. O. Beeton, 1865.
Robin Hood, Burlesque, by William Brough. For amateurs. London: S. O. Beeton, 1865.
Robin Hood, and the Merrie Men of Sherwood Forest, by George Thorne and F. Grove Palmer, Margate, 1889.
Robin Hood, and the Merry Men of Sherwood Forest, by George Thorne and F. Grove Palmer, Margate, 1889.
Robin Hood Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Robin Hood Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.
Robinson Crusoe; or, Harlequin Friday and the King of the Caribbee Islands, by Henry J. Byron. Princess’s December 26, 1860.
Robinson Crusoe; or, Harlequin Friday and the King of the Caribbee Islands, by Henry J. Byron. Princess’s December 26, 1860.
Robinson Crusoe, burl., by H. J. Byron, Gilbert, Hood, Leigh, Sketchley, & Prowse. Haymarket, July 6, 1867.
Robinson Crusoe, burl., by H. J. Byron, Gilbert, Hood, Leigh, Sketchley, & Prowse. Haymarket, July 6, 1867.
Robinson Crusoe; burl., by H. B. Farnie. Prince’s, Manchester, October 7, 1876, Folly (London,) Nov. 11, 1876.
Robinson Crusoe; burl., by H. B. Farnie. Prince’s, Manchester, October 7, 1876, Folly (London,) Nov. 11, 1876.
Robinson Crusoe Revived, by E. C. Bertrand. Dumfries Theatre, February 5, 1877.
Robinson Crusoe Revived, by E. C. Bertrand. Dumfries Theater, February 5, 1877.
Robinson Crusoe; or, the Pirate Will, Pretty Poll, and Captain Bill. Todmorden Theatre, October 29, 1883.
Robinson Crusoe; or, the Pirate Will, Pretty Poll, and Captain Bill. Todmorden Theatre, October 29, 1883.
Robinson Crusoe, burl.-pantomime, by R. Reece and H. B. Farnie. Avenue, December 23, 1886. Arthur Roberts, Miss P. Broughton.
Robinson Crusoe, burl.-pantomime, by R. Reece and H. B. Farnie. Avenue, December 23, 1886. Arthur Roberts, Miss P. Broughton.
Rob Roy, burlesque, by Sydney French. Marylebone T., June 29, 1867.
Rob Roy, parody, by Sydney French. Marylebone T., June 29, 1867.
Robbing Roy; or, Scotched and Kilt, by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, November 11, 1879. Edward Terry, E. W. Royce, T. Squire, Misses E. Farren, Kate Vaughan, and C. Gilchrist.
Robbing Roy; or, Scotched and Kilt, by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, November 11, 1879. Edward Terry, E. W. Royce, T. Squire, Misses E. Farren, Kate Vaughan, and C. Gilchrist.
Rob Roy, his Great Wife and Small Family. By C. H. Hazlewood.
Rob Roy, his Great Wife and Small Family. By C. H. Hazlewood.
Romeo and Juliet, “as the Law Directs,” by Maurice G. Dowling. Strand, May 1, 1837.
Romeo and Juliet, “as the Law Directs,” by Maurice G. Dowling. Strand, May 1, 1837.
Romeo and Juliet Travestie; or, The Cup of Cold Pison, by Andrew Halliday. Strand, November 3, 1859. H. J. Turner, Rogers, Clarke, Misses Marie Wilton, C. Saunders.
Romeo and Juliet Travestie; or, The Cup of Cold Pison, by Andrew Halliday. Strand, November 3, 1859. H. J. Turner, Rogers, Clarke, Misses Marie Wilton, C. Saunders.
Romeo and Juliet; or, the Shaming of the True, an atrocious outrage, by E. Nolan. Perpetrated at Oxford, by the St. John’s College Amateurs, during Commemoration, 1868. T. Shrimpton, Oxford.
Romeo and Juliet; or, the Shaming of the True, a terrible act, by E. Nolan. Carried out at Oxford, by the St. John’s College Amateurs, during Commemoration, 1868. T. Shrimpton, Oxford.
Romeo the Radical, and Juliet the Jingo; or, Obstruction and Effect, by C. P. Emery. Alexandra Theatre, Walsall, August 14, 1882.
Romeo the Radical, and Juliet the Jingo; or, Obstruction and Effect, by C. P. Emery. Alexandra Theatre, Walsall, August 14, 1882.
Romulus and Remus; or, Rome was not Built in a Day, a most absurdly ridiculous burlesque in one Act, being an attempt at something founded on Roman history, by T. F. Dillon Croker. Privately printed, 1859.
Romulus and Remus; or, Rome was not Built in a Day, a completely absurd burlesque in one Act, being an attempt at something based on Roman history, by T. F. Dillon Croker. Privately printed, 1859.
Romulus and Remus; or, the Two Rum-’uns, by R. Reece, Vaudeville, Dec. 23, 1872. James, Thorne, Nelly Power.
Romulus and Remus; or, the Two Rum-’uns, by R. Reece, Vaudeville, Dec. 23, 1872. James, Thorne, Nelly Power.
The Roof Scrambler, burlesque opera, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Victoria, June 15, 1835.
The Roof Scrambler, a comedic opera, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Victoria, June 15, 1835.
The Rosebud of Stingingnettle Farm; or, the Villainous Squire and the Virtuous Villager. A burl.-drama by H. J. Byron. R.D.C. Crystal Palace, 1862.
The Rosebud of Stingingnettle Farm; or, the Villainous Squire and the Virtuous Villager. A dramatic play by H. J. Byron. R.D.C. Crystal Palace, 1862.
Round the World in W’Eighty Days, by Captain Fitz-George, Brighton Theatre, March 13, 1877.
Round the World in W’Eighty Days, by Captain Fitz-George, Brighton Theatre, March 13, 1877.
The Rovers; or, the Double Arrangement, by George Canning, George Ellis, and John Hookham Frere. This originally appeared in “The Anti-Jacobin,” about 1798. It is a caricature of the sentimental German drama then fashionable.
The Rovers; or, the Double Arrangement, by George Canning, George Ellis, and John Hookham Frere. This originally appeared in “The Anti-Jacobin,” around 1798. It is a satire of the sentimental German drama that was popular at the time.
The Rows of Castille, by Conway Edwardes. Brighton Theatre, March 4, 1872.
The Rows of Castille, by Conway Edwardes. Brighton Theatre, March 4, 1872.
The Royal Riddle, burlesque, by Horace Mills. Woolwich Theatre (Amateurs), February 16, 1887.
The Royal Riddle, burlesque, by Horace Mills. Woolwich Theatre (Amateurs), February 16, 1887.
Ruddy George; or, Robin Red Breast, a musical parody, by H. G. F. Taylor, and Percy Reeve. Toole’s T., March 19, 1887.
Ruddy George; or, Robin Red Breast, a musical parody, by H. G. F. Taylor, and Percy Reeve. Toole’s T., March 19, 1887.
Rumfastian Innamorato, burlesque interlude. Oxberry, Harley, Knight.
Rumfastian Innamorato, funny skit. Oxberry, Harley, Knight.
Rumplestiltskin; or, the Woman at the Wheel, by F. C. Burnand.
Rumplestiltskin; or, the Woman at the Wheel, by F. C. Burnand.
Rumpelstiltskin! An extrav. for amateurs by M. W. Hallett
Rumpelstiltskin! An extravaganza for beginners by M. W. Hallett
Ruy Blas Righted, by Robert Reece. Vaudeville. Jan. 3, 1874. D. James, T. Thorne, and Kate Bishop.
Ruy Blas Righted, by Robert Reece. Vaudeville. Jan. 3, 1874. D. James, T. Thorne, and Kate Bishop.
Ruy Blas and the Blasé Roué, by A. C. Torr & H. Clark. First performed in Birmingham, Sept. 2, 1889. Gaiety, London, Sept. 21, 1889. Fred Leslie, C. Danby, F. Storey, Miss E. Farren. In this burlesque Mr. Leslie’s caricature of Mr. Henry Irving’s appearance and mannerisms was so pronounced that the Lord Chamberlain insisted on the part being considerably modified.
Ruy Blas and the Blasé Roué, by A. C. Torr & H. Clark. First performed in Birmingham, September 2, 1889. Gaiety, London, September 21, 1889. Fred Leslie, C. Danby, F. Storey, Miss E. Farren. In this burlesque, Mr. Leslie’s impersonation of Mr. Henry Irving’s looks and mannerisms was so exaggerated that the Lord Chamberlain demanded significant changes to the role.
St. George and the Dragon, by Gilbert A. à Beckett and Mark Lemon. Adelphi, March 24, 1845.
St. George and the Dragon, by Gilbert A. à Beckett and Mark Lemon. Adelphi, March 24, 1845.
342 St. George and the Dragon, burlesque, by F. C. Burnand. Written for the A.D.C., Cambridge, and first performed Feb. 21, 1856, when the author played the “Dragon.”
342 St. George and the Dragon, a comedic play by F. C. Burnand. Written for the A.D.C., Cambridge, and first performed on Feb. 21, 1856, when the author played the “Dragon.”
St. George and the Dragon, panto-opening by E. L. Blanchard. Alexandra Palace, Dec. 1877.
St. George and the Dragon, panto-opening by E. L. Blanchard. Alexandra Palace, Dec. 1877.
St. George and the Dragon, burl. Torquay T. Aug. 6, 1883.
St. George and the Dragon, burl. Torquay T. Aug. 6, 1883.
Salammbo, the Lovely Queen of Carthage. Holborn, May 6, 1871.
Salammbo, the Beautiful Queen of Carthage. Holborn, May 6, 1871.
Salthello Ovini. Illegitimate tragedy. Haymarket, July 26, 1875.
Salthello Ovini. Unlawful tragedy. Haymarket, July 26, 1875.
Sappho; or, Look before you Leap! by F. C. Burnand. For amateurs. London, S. O. Beeton, 1865.
Sappho; or, Look before you Leap! by F. C. Burnand. For beginners. London, S. O. Beeton, 1865.
Sardanapalus; or, the “fast” King of Assyria, by Gilbert A. à Beckett and Mark Lemon. Adelphi, July 20, 1853.
Sardanapalus; or, the “fast” King of Assyria, by Gilbert A. à Beckett and Mark Lemon. Adelphi, July 20, 1853.
Sardanapalus; or, the Light of Other Days, by H. Such Granville. St. George’s Hall, December 23, 1868.
Sardanapalus; or, the Light of Other Days, by H. Such Granville. St. George’s Hall, December 23, 1868.
Sardanapalus, burl., by H. Such Granville. Limerick Theatre, May 15, 1868.
Sardanapalus, burl., by H. Such Granville. Limerick Theatre, May 15, 1868.
The Scalded Back; or, Comin’ Scars, travestie of Hugh Conway and Comyns Carr’s “Called Back,” by W. Yardley. Novelty Theatre, July 12, 1884.
The Scalded Back; or, Comin’ Scars, a spoof of Hugh Conway and Comyns Carr’s “Called Back,” by W. Yardley. Novelty Theatre, July 12, 1884.
Scenes from the Rejected Comedies, by some of the competitors for the Prize of £500 offered by Mr. B. Webster, Lessee of the Haymarket Theatre, for the best original Comedy, illustrative of English Manners. These amusing scenes were written by Gilbert A. à Beckett, and parody passages of the plays of J. Sheridan Knowles, Douglas Jerrold, Serjeant Talfourd, J. R. Planché, E. Fitzball, Leigh Hunt, Mark Lemon, Sir E. B. Lytton, and of G. A. à Beckett himself. London, Punch office, 1844.
Scenes from the Rejected Comedies, by some of the contenders for the £500 Prize offered by Mr. B. Webster, Lessee of the Haymarket Theatre, for the best original comedy that showcases English manners. These entertaining scenes were written by Gilbert A. à Beckett and spoof passages from the plays of J. Sheridan Knowles, Douglas Jerrold, Serjeant Talfourd, J. R. Planché, E. Fitzball, Leigh Hunt, Mark Lemon, Sir E. B. Lytton, and G. A. à Beckett himself. London, Punch office, 1844.
Seraphina the Fair, by Charles W. Laidlaw. Public Hall, Southend, December 26, 1874.
Seraphina the Fair, by Charles W. Laidlaw. Public Hall, Southend, December 26, 1874.
The Seven Champions of Christendom; or, Good Little St. George and the Naughty Snap dragon, by W. R. Osman. Alexandra T., August 22, 1870.
The Seven Champions of Christendom; or, Good Little St. George and the Naughty Snap dragon, by W. R. Osman. Alexandra T., August 22, 1870.
Shin Fain; or, Ourselves Alone, by Tom Telephone. Dublin. J. Duffy and Sons, 1882.
Shin Fain; or, Ourselves Alone, by Tom Telephone. Dublin. J. Duffy and Sons, 1882.
The Siege of Seringapatam; or, the Maiden of Mesopotamia, by F. C. Burnand. For the Fête in aid of the Funds of the Hospital for Incurables, 1863.
The Siege of Seringapatam; or, the Maiden of Mesopotamia, by F. C. Burnand. For the event supporting the funds of the Hospital for Incurables, 1863.
The Siege of Troy, burl., by Robert B. Brough. Lyceum, Dec. 27, 1858. J Rogers, Mrs. Keeley, Miss J. St. George.
The Siege of Troy, burl., by Robert B. Brough. Lyceum, Dec. 27, 1858. J Rogers, Mrs. Keeley, Miss J. St. George.
Shylock; or, the Merchant of Venice Preserved, by F. Talfourd. Olympic, July 4, 1853. F. Robson.
Shylock; or, the Merchant of Venice Preserved, by F. Talfourd. Olympic, July 4, 1853. F. Robson.
Silver Guilt, burl., by W. Warham. Strand, June 9, 1883.
Silver Guilt, burl., by W. Warham. Strand, June 9, 1883.
Sinbad; or, the Dry-land Sailor, by James Horner. Coventry Theatre, July 7, 1884.
Sinbad; or, the Dry-land Sailor, by James Horner. Coventry Theatre, July 7, 1884.
Sinbad the Sailor; or, the “Tar” that was “Pitched” into, by Frank W. Green. Princess’s, Edinburgh, March 31, 1878.
Sinbad the Sailor; or, the “Tar” that was “Pitched” into, by Frank W. Green. Princess’s, Edinburgh, March 31, 1878.
Sindbad the Sailor, by E. L. Blanchard. Crystal Palace, Dec., 1876.
Sindbad the Sailor, by E. L. Blanchard. Crystal Palace, Dec., 1876.
Sir George and a Dragon; or, We are Seven, burlesque, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, March 31, 1870.
Sir George and a Dragon; or, We are Seven, burlesque, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, March 31, 1870.
Sir Marigold the Dottie; or, the Moonlight Knight, by C. F. Fuller, H.M.S. “Rainbow,” April 16, 1885.
Sir Marigold the Dottie; or, the Moonlight Knight, by C. F. Fuller, H.M.S. “Rainbow,” April 16, 1885.
Sir Rupert the Fearless, burl. extrav., by A. J. Seymour. Strand, April 24, 1848.
Sir Rupert the Fearless, burl. extrav., by A. J. Seymour. Strand, April 24, 1848.
The Sleeping Beauty; Her Seven Fairy Godmothers, and a Wicked Fairy, by Charles Daly and B. Chatterton. Aldershot T., August 3, 1885.
The Sleeping Beauty; Her Seven Fairy Godmothers, and a Wicked Fairy, by Charles Daly and B. Chatterton. Aldershot T., August 3, 1885.
Snow Bound, a dramatic entertainment, by George M. Baker. Contains an original burlesque on “Alonzo the Brave, and the Fair Imogene.” Boston, U.S.
Snow Bound, a dramatic performance, by George M. Baker. Includes an original parody of “Alonzo the Brave, and the Fair Imogene.” Boston, U.S.
Snowdrop, burlesque extravaganza, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, November 21, 1864.
Snowdrop, a comedic spectacle, by F. C. Burnand. Royalty, November 21, 1864.
The Son of the Sun; or, the Fate of Phæton. A classical burl., by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Fitzroy T. Feb. 13, 1834.
The Son of the Sun; or, the Fate of Phæton. A classic burl., by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Fitzroy T. Feb. 13, 1834.
La Sonnambula Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.
La Sonnambula Burlesque, by C. H. Hazlewood.
The Somnambulist, a negro burlesque sketch, by H. Dacre.
The Somnambulist, a black burlesque sketch, by H. Dacre.
La! Sonnambula! or, the Supper, the Sleeper, and the Merry Swiss Boy, by Henry J. Byron. Prince of Wales’s, April 15, 1865, the opening night of Miss Marie Wilton’s management. F. Dewar, Harry Cox, J. Clarke, Misses Marie Wilton, and Fanny Josephs.
La! Sonnambula! or, the Supper, the Sleeper, and the Merry Swiss Boy, by Henry J. Byron. Prince of Wales’s, April 15, 1865, the opening night of Miss Marie Wilton’s management. F. Dewar, Harry Cox, J. Clarke, Misses Marie Wilton, and Fanny Josephs.
Il Sonnambulo and Lively Little Alessio, by Henry J. Byron. Gaiety, April 6, 1878. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, W. Elton, Miss E. Farren.
Il Sonnambulo and Lively Little Alessio, by Henry J. Byron. Gaiety, April 6, 1878. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, W. Elton, Miss E. Farren.
The Spanish Dancers; or, Fans and Fandangoes, a Terpsichorean burl., by Charles Selby. St. James’s Oct. 18, 1854. J. L. Toole, Clarke, Misses Lydia Thompson, and E. Bufton.
The Spanish Dancers; or, Fans and Fandangoes, a Dance Show, by Charles Selby. St. James’s Oct. 18, 1854. J. L. Toole, Clarke, Misses Lydia Thompson, and E. Bufton.
The Spectre of Shooter’s Hill; or, the Broken Hot-cross Bun, by W. Sallenger. Woolwich Theatre, Oct. 20, 1888.
The Spectre of Shooter’s Hill; or, the Broken Hot-cross Bun, by W. Sallenger. Woolwich Theatre, Oct. 20, 1888.
The Sphinx, by the Brothers Brough. Haymarket, April 9, 1849. Mr. and Mrs. Keeley, J. Bland, and Miss P. Horton.
The Sphinx, by the Brothers Brough. Haymarket, April 9, 1849. Mr. and Mrs. Keeley, J. Bland, and Miss P. Horton.
The Sphinx; a Touch from the Ancients (a new version of the Brothers Brough’s burlesque), by Walter Boult, Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, January 6, 1872.
The Sphinx; a Touch from the Ancients (a new version of the Brothers Brough’s burlesque), by Walter Boult, Prince of Wales’s, Liverpool, January 6, 1872.
The Squires Maria; or, Too, too Far from the Madding Crowd, by Harry Adams. Hanley T., July 17, 1882.
The Squires Maria; or, Too, too Far from the Madding Crowd, by Harry Adams. Hanley T., July 17, 1882.
Stage-Dora; or, Who Killed Cock Robin? travestie of Sardou’s Fédora, by F. C. Burnand. Toole’s, May 26, 1883. J. L. Toole, E. D. Ward, W. Cheesman, Miss Marie Linden.
Stage-Dora; or, Who Killed Cock Robin? a parody of Sardou’s Fédora, by F. C. Burnand. Toole’s, May 26, 1883. J. L. Toole, E. D. Ward, W. Cheesman, Miss Marie Linden.
Stars and Garters, burlesque, by Robert Reece and H. B. Farnie. Folly, September 21, 1878.
Stars and Garters, burlesque, by Robert Reece and H. B. Farnie. Folly, September 21, 1878.
The Statue Bride; an Echo of the Greek Drama, by Vincent Amcotts and W. R. Anson, Oxford.
The Statue Bride; an Echo of the Greek Drama, by Vincent Amcotts and W. R. Anson, Oxford.
Stranger, burlesque, by W. D. Ward (for Amateurs), 1859.
Stranger, burlesque, by W. D. Ward (for Amateurs), 1859.
Stranger, stranger than ever; by R. Reece. Queen’s, November 4, 1868.
Stranger, stranger than ever; by R. Reece. Queen’s, November 4, 1868.
The Stranger Travestie. See “Rejected Addresses,” by James and Horace Smith.
The Stranger Travestie. See “Rejected Addresses,” by James and Horace Smith.
Success; or, a Hit if you Like it, a Grand mock-heroical burletta, by J. R. Planché. Adelphi, Dec. 12, 1825. T. P. Cooke, Yates, Mrs. Fitzwilliam.
Success; or, a Hit if you Like it, a grand mock-heroic burletta, by J. R. Planché. Adelphi, Dec. 12, 1825. T. P. Cooke, Yates, Mrs. Fitzwilliam.
Such a Guy Mannering, by Mr. Strachan, Jun. Newcastle-on-Tyne Theatre, April 27, 1868.
Such a Guy Mannering, by Mr. Strachan, Jr. Newcastle upon Tyne Theatre, April 27, 1868.
The Tailors (or “Quadrupeds”), a Tragedy for Warm Weather, by Samuel Foote. Haymarket, 1767. This burlesque was revived at the Haymarket in 1805, on which occasion a number of London tailors created a disturbance in and around the theatre.
The Tailors (or “Quadrupeds”), a Tragedy for Warm Weather, by Samuel Foote. Haymarket, 1767. This burlesque was brought back at the Haymarket in 1805, when a group of London tailors caused a commotion in and around the theatre.
A Tale of Tell; or, the Pole, the Patriot, and the Pippin, by Lloyd Clarance. Darwen T., February 26, 1883.
A Tale of Tell; or, the Pole, the Patriot, and the Pippin, by Lloyd Clarance. Darwen T., February 26, 1883.
The Talisman, burl., by J. F. M’Ardle. Liverpool T., Aug. 10, 1874, and Philharmonic, London, Mar. 29, 1875.
The Talisman, burl., by J. F. M’Ardle. Liverpool T., Aug. 10, 1874, and Philharmonic, London, Mar. 29, 1875.
Taming a Tartar, burlesque, by Charles Selby. Adelphi, October 20, 1845.
Taming a Tartar, burlesque, by Charles Selby. Adelphi, October 20, 1845.
Tam O’Shanter, burlesque, by W. Lowe, Opera House, Dundee, February 10, 1873.
Tam O’Shanter, burlesque, by W. Lowe, Opera House, Dundee, February 10, 1873.
Tantalus; or, Many a Slip ’Twixt Cup and Lip, by Arthur Matthison and Charles Wyndham. Folly, Oct. 14, 1878.
Tantalus; or, Many a Slip ’Twixt Cup and Lip, by Arthur Matthison and Charles Wyndham. Folly, Oct. 14, 1878.
Telemachus; or, the Island of Calypso, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, December 26, 1834. J. Bland, Wyman, Madame Vestris.
Telemachus; or, the Island of Calypso, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, December 26, 1834. J. Bland, Wyman, Madame Vestris.
Telemachus; or, the Island of Calypso, by Stirling Coyne. Adelphi, October 15, 1844.
Telemachus; or, the Island of Calypso, by Stirling Coyne. Adelphi, October 15, 1844.
The Tempest, the very last edition of, by A. H. O.
The Tempest, the very last edition of, by A. H. O.
The O’Dora, a parody of Sardou’s Théodora, by F. C. Burnand. Toole’s July 13, 1885. J. L. Toole and Miss Mary Linden, whose imitation of Sara Bernhardt was particularly clever and comical.
The O’Dora, a parody of Sardou’s Théodora, by F. C. Burnand. Toole’s July 13, 1885. J. L. Toole and Miss Mary Linden, whose imitation of Sarah Bernhardt was especially clever and funny.
Theseus and Ariadne; or, the Marriage of Bacchus. A classical extrav., by J. R. Planché. Lyceum, April 24, 1848. C. Mathews, Miss Fitzwilliam, Mdme. Vestris.
Theseus and Ariadne; or, the Marriage of Bacchus. A classic extravaganza, by J. R. Planché. Lyceum, April 24, 1848. C. Mathews, Miss Fitzwilliam, Mdme. Vestris.
343 Thespis, burlesque, by W. S. Gilbert. Gaiety, J. L. Toole, Miss E. Farren.
343 Thespis, burlesque, by W. S. Gilbert. Gaiety, J. L. Toole, Miss E. Farren.
The Three Calenders, burl., by Charles Penruddocke.
The Three Calenders, burl., by Charles Penruddocke.
Three Graces, by G. A. à Beckett. Princess’s April 17, 1843.
Three Graces, by G. A. à Beckett. Princess’s April 17, 1843.
The Three Musket Dears, and a Little One In, by Joseph and Harry Paulton. Strand, October 5, 1871.
The Three Musket Dears, and a Little One In, by Joseph and Harry Paulton. Strand, October 5, 1871.
Timour, the Cream of all the Tartars. Princess’s, March 24, 1845.
Timour, the Best of all the Tartars. Princess’s, March 24, 1845.
Timour the Tartar; or the Iron Master of Samarkand-by-Oxus, by John Oxenford and Shirley Brooks. Olympic, December 26, 1860. F. Robson, Horace Wigan.
Timour the Tartar; or the Iron Master of Samarkand-by-Oxus, by John Oxenford and Shirley Brooks. Olympic, December 26, 1860. F. Robson, Horace Wigan.
Timour the Tartar; or, the Swell Belle of the Period, by Edward Chamberlaine. Alexandra, Dec. 27, 1869.
Timour the Tartar; or, the Swell Belle of the Period, by Edward Chamberlaine. Alexandra, Dec. 27, 1869.
Tom Thumb, by Kane O’Hara. Founded on Henry Fielding’s Tragedy of Tragedies; or, the Life and Death of Tom Thumb the Great, first performed at the Haymarket in 1730. O’Hara’s adaptation was produced at the Covent Garden Theatre in 1780.
Tom Thumb, by Kane O’Hara. Based on Henry Fielding’s Tragedy of Tragedies; or, the Life and Death of Tom Thumb the Great, first performed at the Haymarket in 1730. O’Hara’s version was produced at the Covent Garden Theatre in 1780.
Too Late for the Train, a dramatic entertainment, containing burl. scenes. G. M. Baker & Co., Boston, U.S.
Too Late for the Train, a dramatic play featuring burl. scenes. G. M. Baker & Co., Boston, U.S.
Too Lovely Black-eyed Susan, perversion of Douglas Jerrold’s drama, by Horace Lennard. Crystal Palace, April 2, 1888, and Strand Theatre, April 11, 1888. Dan Leno and Miss Fannie Leslie.
Too Lovely Black-eyed Susan, a twist on Douglas Jerrold’s play, by Horace Lennard. Crystal Palace, April 2, 1888, and Strand Theatre, April 11, 1888. Dan Leno and Miss Fannie Leslie.
Tootsie’s Lovers, by W. T. Le Queux. Brentford Theatre, April 19, 1886.
Tootsie’s Lovers, by W. T. Le Queux. Brentford Theatre, April 19, 1886.
Touch and Go, burlesque, by Walter Andrews. Prince of Wales’s Theatre, Liverpool, March 8, 1886.
Touch and Go, burlesque, by Walter Andrews. Prince of Wales’s Theatre, Liverpool, March 8, 1886.
The Tragedy of Tragedies; or, the Life and Death of Tom Thumb the Great, by Henry Fielding. First acted in 1730. This contains parodies of numerous passages in the Tragedies of Dryden, N. Rowe, Thompson, and other writers whose works were then popular.
The Tragedy of Tragedies; or, the Life and Death of Tom Thumb the Great, by Henry Fielding. First performed in 1730. This includes parodies of many sections from the tragedies of Dryden, N. Rowe, Thompson, and other authors whose writings were popular at the time.
Trovatore; or, Larks with a Libretto, by Henry J. Byron. Olympic, April 26, 1880. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, Misses E. Farren, C. Gilchrist, and Kate Vaughan.
Trovatore; or, Larks with a Libretto, by Henry J. Byron. Olympic, April 26, 1880. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, Misses E. Farren, C. Gilchrist, and Kate Vaughan.
Troy Again, by E. A. Bowles (Amateurs). St. George’s Hall, March 13, 1888.
Troy Again, by E. A. Bowles (Amateurs). St. George’s Hall, March 13, 1888.
Tumble-down Dick; or, Phæton in the Suds, a Dramatic Entertainment of Walking, in Serious and Foolish Characters. Interlarded with Burlesque, Grotesque, Comic Interludes, as it is performed at the New Theatre in the Hay-Market. By Henry Fielding. 1737.
Tumble-down Dick; or, Phæton in the Suds, a Dramatic Entertainment of Walking, in Serious and Foolish Characters. Interlarded with Burlesque, Grotesque, Comic Interludes, as it is performed at the New Theatre in the Hay-Market. By Henry Fielding. 1737.
Turkish Waters, a Tail of Coarse Hair; or, Medora’s Private Tear, by Rowley Hill. Written for the A.D.C., Cambridge, and first performed November 18, 1857.
Turkish Waters, a Tail of Coarse Hair; or, Medora’s Private Tear, by Rowley Hill. Written for the A.D.C., Cambridge, and first performed on November 18, 1857.
“Two” Much Alike, burlesque comedietta, by G. Grossmith, Jun., and A. R. Rogers. Gallery of Illustration, February 12, 1870.
“Two” Much Alike, a burlesque comedietta by G. Grossmith, Jr., and A. R. Rogers. Gallery of Illustration, February 12, 1870.
Two Gallows; or, Slaves Escaped from Brixton, a Parody. Olympic, 1823.
Two Gallows; or, Slaves Escaped from Brixton, a Parody. Olympic, 1823.
Ulf the Minstrel; or, the Player, the Princess, and the Prophecy, burlesque-extravaganza, by R. Reece. Royalty, May 31, 1866.
Ulf the Minstrel; or, the Player, the Princess, and the Prophecy, burlesque-extravaganza, by R. Reece. Royalty, May 31, 1866.
Ulysses; or, the Iron Clad Warrior, and the Little Tug of War, by F. C. Burnand. St. James’s, April 17, 1865.
Ulysses; or, the Iron Clad Warrior, and the Little Tug of War, by F. C. Burnand. St. James’s, April 17, 1865.
Under Proof; or, Very Much Above Pa, by Edward Rose, Princess’s, Edinburgh, May 1, 1879.
Under Proof; or, Very Much Above Pa, by Edward Rose, Princess’s, Edinburgh, May 1, 1879.
Undine Undone. Halifax Theatre, April 21, 1873.
Undine Undone. Halifax Theatre, April 21, 1873.
Undine, burl. Great Yarmouth Theatre, August 13, 1883.
Undine, burl. Great Yarmouth Theatre, August 13, 1883.
The Ups and Downs of Deal, and Black-eyed Susan. Marylebone, June 10, 1867.
The Ups and Downs of Deal, and Black-eyed Susan. Marylebone, June 10, 1867.
Valentine and Orson, burl.-drama, by R. Reece. Gaiety, December 23, 1882.
Valentine and Orson, musical drama, by R. Reece. Gaiety, December 23, 1882.
Valentine and Orson, burlesque, by Joseph Ellis. Brentford Theatre, November 1, 1888.
Valentine and Orson, a comedic play, by Joseph Ellis. Brentford Theatre, November 1, 1888.
The Vampire, burl., by Robert Reece. Strand, Aug. 15, 1872.
The Vampire, burl., by Robert Reece. Strand, Aug. 15, 1872.
Vanderdecken; or, The Flying Anglo-Dutchman’s Phantom Penny Steamer, by Whyte Edgar. Novelty, Dec. 9, 1885.
Vanderdecken; or, The Flying Anglo-Dutchman’s Phantom Penny Steamer, by Whyte Edgar. Novelty, Dec. 9, 1885.
The Veiled Prophet of Khorassan; or, the Maniac, the Mistery, and the Malediction, by H. L. Walford. Gallery of Illustration, November 24, 1870.
The Veiled Prophet of Khorassan; or, the Maniac, the Mystery, and the Curse, by H. L. Walford. Gallery of Illustration, November 24, 1870.
Venus; or, Gods as they Were, and not as they ought to Have Been, by Edward Rose and Augustus Harris. Royalty, June 27, 1879.
Venus; or, Gods as they Were, and not as they Ought to Have Been, by Edward Rose and Augustus Harris. Royalty, June 27, 1879.
Venus and Adonis, burl., by F. C. Burnand. Haymarket, March 28, 1864. Misses Nelly Moore and Louise Keeley.
Venus and Adonis, burl., by F. C. Burnand. Haymarket, March 28, 1864. Misses Nelly Moore and Louise Keeley.
The Very Last Days of Pompeii! By R. Reece. Vaudeville, February 13, 1872. David James, Thomas Thorne, Miss Nelly Power.
The Very Last Days of Pompeii! By R. Reece. Vaudeville, February 13, 1872. David James, Thomas Thorne, Miss Nelly Power.
The Very Last Edition of the Tempest; or, the Wily Wizard, the Winsome Wench, and the Wicked Willain, by A. H. O.
The Very Last Edition of the Tempest; or, the Sly Wizard, the Charming Girl, and the Evil Villain, by A. H. O.
The Very Latest Edition of the Gathering of the Clans, by G. W. Hunt. East London T., October 18, 1873.
The Very Latest Edition of the Gathering of the Clans, by G. W. Hunt. East London T., October 18, 1873.
The Very Latest Edition of the Lady of Lyons, by H. J. Byron. Strand, July 11, 1859. J. Rogers, J. Clarke, H. J. Turner, Misses C. Saunders, and M. Oliver.
The Very Latest Edition of the Lady of Lyons, by H. J. Byron. Strand, July 11, 1859. J. Rogers, J. Clarke, H. J. Turner, Misses C. Saunders, and M. Oliver.
The Very Latest Edition of Robinson Crusoe, by H. B. Farnie. Folly. Lionel Brough, Willie Edouin, Misses Lydia Thompson, and Violet Cameron.
The Very Latest Edition of Robinson Crusoe, by H. B. Farnie. Fun. Lionel Brough, Willie Edouin, Miss Lydia Thompson, and Violet Cameron.
Very Little Faust and More Mephistopheles, by F. C. Burnand. Charing Cross, August 18, 1869. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
Very Little Faust and More Mephistopheles, by F. C. Burnand. Charing Cross, August 18, 1869. Published by Phillips, Regent Circus, London.
Very Little Hamlet, by W. Yardley. Gaiety, Nov. 29, 1884.
Very Little Hamlet, by W. Yardley. Gaiety, Nov. 29, 1884.
Vesta, burl., by H. B. Farnie. St. James’s, Feb. 9, 1871.
Vesta, burl., by H. B. Farnie. St. James’s, Feb. 9, 1871.
The Vicar of Wide-awake-field; or, the Miss-Tery-ous Uncle, burlesque of “Olivia,” by H. P. Stephens and W. Yardley. Gaiety, August 8, 1885. In this Mr. Arthur Roberts and Miss L. Linden were very successful in their burlesques of Henry Irving & Miss Ellen Terry.
The Vicar of Wide-awake-field; or, the Mysterious Uncle, a parody of “Olivia,” by H. P. Stephens and W. Yardley. Gaiety, August 8, 1885. In this, Mr. Arthur Roberts and Miss L. Linden were very successful in their parodies of Henry Irving & Miss Ellen Terry.
La Vie, burl.-opera, by H. B. Farnie. First produced at Brighton T., September 17, 1883, Avenue T., London, Oct. 3, 1883. Founded on “La Vie Parisienne.”
La Vie, comic opera, by H. B. Farnie. First performed at Brighton Theatre, September 17, 1883, Avenue Theatre, London, October 3, 1883. Based on “La Vie Parisienne.”
Villekyns and His Dinah, by Frederick Eyles. Swiss Gardens, Shoreham, July 7, 1873.
Villekyns and His Dinah, by Frederick Eyles. Swiss Gardens, Shoreham, July 7, 1873.
Villikins and His Dinah, burl., by F. C. Burnand. The Amateur Dramatic Club, Cambridge, Nov. 8, 1855.
Villikins and His Dinah, burl., by F. C. Burnand. The Amateur Dramatic Club, Cambridge, Nov. 8, 1855.
Virginius the Rum’un, by W. Rogers. Sadler’s Wells, May, 1837.
Virginius the Rum’un, by W. Rogers. Sadler’s Wells, May, 1837.
Virginius; or, the Trial of a fond Papa, by Leicester Buckingham. St. James’s, October 1, 1859.
Virginius; or, the Trial of a Loving Dad, by Leicester Buckingham. St. James’s, October 1, 1859.
La Vivandière, by W. S. Gilbert. Queen’s, Jan. 18, 1868.
La Vivandière, by W. S. Gilbert. Queen’s, Jan. 18, 1868.
Vortigern; an Historical Play. Represented at the T. R., Drury Lane, April 2, 1796, as a supposed newly-discovered Drama by Shakespeare. Mr. John Kemble and Mrs. Jordan. This play was a forgery written by W. H. Ireland, and was afterwards published by him, with a Preface, in which he acknowledged the imposition he had practised, and gloried in having been able to deceive some of the first scholars and ablest critics of the day.
Vortigern; an Historical Play. Performed at the T. R., Drury Lane, April 2, 1796, as a supposed newly-discovered play by Shakespeare. Starring Mr. John Kemble and Mrs. Jordan. This play was a forgery written by W. H. Ireland, who later published it with a Preface where he admitted to the deception he created and took pride in having fooled some of the top scholars and most skilled critics of the time.
Wattie and Meg, burl., by W. Lowe. Dundee Theatre, January 20, 1873.
Wattie and Meg, burl., by W. Lowe. Dundee Theatre, January 20, 1873.
Wat Tyler, M.P., burlesque, by G. A. Sala. Gaiety, December 20, 1869.
Wat Tyler, M.P., a parody by G. A. Sala. Gaiety, December 20, 1869.
The Weeping Willow, burl., by Peter Davey, Herbert Linford, and H. S. Ram. Town Hall, Staines. May 5, 1886.
The Weeping Willow, burl., by Peter Davey, Herbert Linford, and H. S. Ram. Town Hall, Staines. May 5, 1886.
What’s it on; or, Shakespeare-ience Teaches, burl., by W. Routledge. Gallery of Illustration (Amateurs), Jan. 29, ’70
What’s it about; or, Shakespeare-ience Teaches, burl., by W. Routledge. Gallery of Illustration (Amateurs), Jan. 29, ’70
The White Cat, burlesque, by F. C. Burnand. Globe, December 26, 1870.
The White Cat, a comedic play, by F. C. Burnand. Globe, December 26, 1870.
The White Fawn, extrav., by F. C. Burnand. Holborn, April 13, 1868.
The White Fawn, extravaganza, by F. C. Burnand. Holborn, April 13, 1868.
Whittington Junior, and his Sensation Cat, by Robert Reece. Royalty, November 23, 1870.
Whittington Junior, and his Sensation Cat, by Robert Reece. Royalty, November 23, 1870.
344 Whittington and His Cat. Panto-opening by E. L. Blanchard. Drury Lane, Dec., 1875.
344 Whittington and His Cat. Panto-opening by E. L. Blanchard. Drury Lane, Dec. 1875.
Whittington and his Cat, burl.-drama, by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, October 15, 1881. T. Squire, E. W. Royce, J. Dallas, Misses E. Farren and Kate Vaughan.
Whittington and his Cat, burl.-drama, by F. C. Burnand. Gaiety, October 15, 1881. T. Squire, E. W. Royce, J. Dallas, Misses E. Farren and Kate Vaughan.
The Wife, a Tale of a Mantua Maker, burl.-drama by Joseph Graves. Strand, June 19, 1837.
The Wife, a story about a Mantua Maker, a burlesque drama by Joseph Graves. Strand, June 19, 1837.
William Tell, burl.-panto. Drury Lane, July 12, 1856.
William Tell, burl.-panto. Drury Lane, July 12, 1856.
William Tell, a Telling Version of an old Tell Tale, by Leicester Buckingham. Strand, April 13, 1857.
William Tell, a Modern Version of an Old Tale, by Leicester Buckingham. Strand, April 13, 1857.
William Tell with a Vengeance, by Henry J. Byron. Alexandra T., Liverpool, September 4, 1867, and Strand Theatre, London, October 5, 1867.
William Tell with a Vengeance, by Henry J. Byron. Alexandra T., Liverpool, September 4, 1867, and Strand Theatre, London, October 5, 1867.
William Tell, by Arthur J. O’Neil. Sadler’s Wells, October 19, 1867.
William Tell, by Arthur J. O’Neil. Sadler’s Wells, October 19, 1867.
William Tell, Told over again, by Robert Reece. Gaiety, December 21, 1876.
William Tell, Told over again, by Robert Reece. Joy, December 21, 1876.
Willikind and his Dinah, by J. Stirling Coyne. Haymarket, March 16, 1854.
Willikind and his Dinah, by J. Stirling Coyne. Haymarket, March 16, 1854.
Windsor Castle, burlesque-opera, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, June 5, 1865. David James, T. Thorne, J. Stoyle, H. J. Turner, Miss Ada Swanborough.
Windsor Castle, a comedic opera, by F. C. Burnand. Strand, June 5, 1865. David James, T. Thorne, J. Stoyle, H. J. Turner, Miss Ada Swanborough.
Windsor Castle, burlesque, by T. C. Grace. Newcastle Theatre, June 22, 1868.
Windsor Castle, a comedy, by T. C. Grace. Newcastle Theatre, June 22, 1868.
Winter’s Tale, burlesque, by William Brough. Lyceum, September 15, 1856. J. L. Toole, William Brough, Mrs. A. Mellon, and Marie Wilton.
Winter’s Tale, a comedic play, by William Brough. Lyceum, September 15, 1856. J. L. Toole, William Brough, Mrs. A. Mellon, and Marie Wilton.
Wonderful Lamp in a new light, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Princess’s, July 4, 1844.
Wonderful Lamp in a new light, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Princess’s, July 4, 1844.
Wood Demon; or, One o’clock, by Charles Kenney and Albert Smith. Lyceum, May 6, 1847.
Wood Demon; or, One o’clock, by Charles Kenney and Albert Smith. Lyceum, May 6, 1847.
The World Underground; or, the Golden Fleece and the Brazen Waters, burlesque, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Haymarket, December, 1848.
The World Underground; or, the Golden Fleece and the Brazen Waters, burlesque, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Haymarket, December, 1848.
Yellow Dwarf, burlesque-burletta, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Princess’s, December 26, 1842. Madame Sala.
Yellow Dwarf, a comedic short play, by Gilbert A. à Beckett. Princess’s, December 26, 1842. Madame Sala.
The Yellow Dwarf, and the King of the Gold Mine, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, December 26, 1854. F. Robson, Miss Julia St. George.
The Yellow Dwarf, and the King of the Gold Mine, by J. R. Planché. Olympic, December 26, 1854. F. Robson, Miss Julia St. George.
The Yellow Dwarf; or, the Good Sovereign and the Bad Yellow Boy, by Frank Hall. Philharmonic. March 29, 1880.
The Yellow Dwarf; or, the Good Sovereign and the Bad Yellow Boy, by Frank Hall. Philharmonic. March 29, 1880.
Yellow Dwarf, burlesque-extrav., by Robert Reece and Alfred Thompson. Her Majesty’s, December 30, 1882.
Yellow Dwarf, burlesque-extrav., by Robert Reece and Alfred Thompson. Her Majesty’s, December 30, 1882.
Young Dick Whittington, by J. Wilton Jones. Leicester Theatre, April 18, 1881.
Young Dick Whittington, by J. Wilton Jones. Leicester Theatre, April 18, 1881.
Young Fra Diavolo; the Terror of Terracina, by Henry J. Byron. Gaiety, November 18, 1878. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, R. Soutar, T. Squire, Misses E. Farren, Kate Vaughan and C. Gilchrist.
Young Fra Diavolo; the Terror of Terracina, by Henry J. Byron. Gaiety, November 18, 1878. E. Terry, E. W. Royce, R. Soutar, T. Squire, Misses E. Farren, Kate Vaughan, and C. Gilchrist.
Young Rip Van Winkle, by R. Reece. Folly, April 17, 1876.
Young Rip Van Winkle, by R. Reece. Folly, April 17, 1876.
Zampa; or, The Buckaneer and the Little Dear, by T. F. Plowman. Court, October 2, 1872.
Zampa; or, The Buccaneer and the Little Dear, by T. F. Plowman. Court, October 2, 1872.
Zampa; or, the Cruel Corsair, and the Marble Maid, by J. F. McArdle. Liverpool T., October 9, 1876.
Zampa; or, the Cruel Corsair, and the Marble Maid, by J. F. McArdle. Liverpool T., October 9, 1876.
——:o:——
——:o:——
In his Introduction to Burlesque Plays and Poems (G. Routledge & Sons, 1885), Mr. Henry Morley observes:—
In his Introduction to Burlesque Plays and Poems (G. Routledge & Sons, 1885), Mr. Henry Morley observes:—
“The word Burlesque came to us through the French from the Italian ‘burlesco’; ‘burla’ being mockery or raillery, and implying always an object. Burlesque must, burlarsi di uno, mock at somebody or something, and when intended to give pleasure it is nothing if not good-natured. One etymologist associates the word with the old English ‘bourd,’ a jest; the Gaelic ‘burd,’ he says, means mockery, and ‘buirleadh,’ is language of ridicule. Yes, and ‘burrail’ is the loud romping of children, and ‘burrall’ is weeping and wailing in a deep-toned howl. Another etymologist takes the Italian ‘burla,’ waggery or banter, as diminutive from the Latin ‘burra,’ which means a rough hair, but is used by Ausonius in the sense of a jest. That etymology no doubt fits burlesque to a hair, but, like Launce’s sweetheart, it may have more hair than wit.”
The word Burlesque came to us through French from the Italian ‘burlesco’; ‘burla’ means mockery or playful teasing, always directed at someone or something. Burlesque must, burlarsi di uno, mock at somebody or something, and when it aims to entertain, it’s nothing if not good-natured. One etymologist connects the word to the old English ‘bourd,’ a joke; he says the Gaelic ‘burd’ means mockery, and ‘buirleadh’ refers to language used in ridicule. Yes, and ‘burrail’ describes the loud playfulness of children, while ‘burrall’ refers to weeping and wailing in a deep howl. Another etymologist traces the Italian ‘burla,’ which means joking or banter, back to the Latin ‘burra,’ meaning a rough hair, but used by Ausonius in the sense of a jest. That etymology definitely fits burlesque perfectly, but, like Launce’s sweetheart, it might have more hair than wit.
There are few more amusing pieces of light English literature than some of our early theatrical burlesques, such as Beaumont and Fletcher’s “Knight of the Burning Pestle,” the Duke of Buckingham’s “Rehearsal,” Henry Fielding’s “Tom Thumb,” Sheridan’s “The Critic,” and Poole’s “Hamlet,” with its absurd notes in imitation of several learned Shakespearian commentators.
There are few things more entertaining in light English literature than some of our early theatrical parodies, like Beaumont and Fletcher’s “Knight of the Burning Pestle,” the Duke of Buckingham’s “Rehearsal,” Henry Fielding’s “Tom Thumb,” Sheridan’s “The Critic,” and Poole’s “Hamlet,” with its ridiculous notes mimicking various scholarly Shakespearean commentators.
During the last thirty or forty years this particular form of Dramatic Entertainment has been specially cultivated, and at the Strand, Royalty, and Gaiety Theatres, in London, the “Sacred Lamp of Burlesque” has been kept alight by the productions of such prolific and humorous writers as Gilbert A. à Beckett, Francis Talfourd, Leicester Buckingham, Albert Smith, William Brough, Robert Reece, Stirling Coyne, H. B. Farnie, Henry J. Byron, and F. C. Burnand. Much has been written for and against dramatic burlesque, and it may be said, without fear of contradiction, that recently far less attention has been devoted to the literary merits of the productions than to the scenery and dresses. The humour of the actors being considered as of less importance than a dazzling mise-en-scene with a host of pretty half-dressed ballet girls.
In the last thirty or forty years, this specific type of dramatic entertainment has been particularly nurtured, and at the Strand, Royalty, and Gaiety Theatres in London, the “Sacred Lamp of Burlesque” has been kept burning by the works of prolific and funny writers like Gilbert A. à Beckett, Francis Talfourd, Leicester Buckingham, Albert Smith, William Brough, Robert Reece, Stirling Coyne, H. B. Farnie, Henry J. Byron, and F. C. Burnand. A lot has been said for and against dramatic burlesque, and it can be stated, without fear of contradiction, that recently, much less focus has been placed on the literary quality of the productions than on the scenery and costumes. The humor of the actors is often seen as less important than a dazzling stage setup featuring plenty of pretty, half-dressed ballet girls.
The following articles are of interest in connection with modern dramatic burlesque.
The following articles are relevant to modern dramatic burlesque.
Is Burlesque Art? A paper by Blanche Reives, read before the Church and Stage Guild, October 7, 1880. The authoress quotes thus from a letter written by Mr. W. S. Gilbert:—“Burlesque in its higher development calls for high intellectual power on the part of its professors. Aristophanes, Rabelais, George Cruikshank, the authors of the Rejected Addresses, John Leech, and J. R. Planché were all in their respective lines professors of true burlesque. The form of burlesque with which modern theatre goers are familiar, scarcely calls for criticism, it is infantile in its folly.”
Is Burlesque Art? A paper by Blanche Reives, read before the Church and Stage Guild, October 7, 1880. The author quotes from a letter written by Mr. W. S. Gilbert:—“Burlesque in its higher form requires significant intellectual power from its performers. Aristophanes, Rabelais, George Cruikshank, the authors of the Rejected Addresses, John Leech, and J. R. Planché were all true masters of burlesque in their own right. The type of burlesque that modern theatre goers know barely merits critique; it is childish in its absurdity.”
The “A. D. C.”, by F. C. Burnand, B.A., being Personal Reminiscences of the University Amateur Dramatic Club, Cambridge. London, Chapman & Hall, 1880.
The “A. D. C.”, by F. C. Burnand, B.A., is a personal account of the University Amateur Dramatic Club, Cambridge. London, Chapman & Hall, 1880.
Old Comedy on a New Stage, by R. C. Jebb. The Fortnightly Review. January 1884.
Old Comedy on a New Stage, by R. C. Jebb. The Fortnightly Review. January 1884.
Burlesques, Old and New, a short paper by Leopold Wagner. Time, November, 1886.
Burlesques, Old and New, a brief article by Leopold Wagner. Time, November, 1886.
The Spirit of Burlesque, in “The Universal Review” for October, 1888, by F. C. Burnand, himself probably the most prolific of all modern English authors of Parody and Burlesque.
The Spirit of Burlesque, in “The Universal Review” for October, 1888, by F. C. Burnand, who is likely the most prolific modern English author of parody and burlesque.
A very Private View of the Grosvenor.
A very private glimpse of the Grosvenor.
(By Ollendorff Junior.)
By Ollendorff Junior.
Have you seen the Pictures? I have not seen the Pictures. I have not seen the Pictures, but I have seen the People. I shall lunch. Shall you lunch? I will lunch with you (at your expense). Thank you! (merci!) Has the Æsthete cut his hair? The Hairdresser has cut the Æsthete’s hair (i.e., the hair of the Æsthete). I like (j’aime) the Picture by (par) Keeley Halswelle, but I will not purchase (acheter) the Nocturne by Whistler (siffleur). Whistler be blowed! (sifflé). Keeley Halswelle’s Picture is called (s’appelle) “Royal Windsor.” Is it true (est-ce vrai que) the Soap-man (l’homme aux savons), Pears, has purchased “Royal Windsor” for an advertisement (affiche)? Val Prinsep has painted something like an Artist, but (mais) Mr. Holl has painted somebody who is something like an Artist. What is his name? His name is (il s’appelle) John Tenniel. It is very hot. It is crowded. When it is crowded it is hot. How many people are there here? I do not know: I will count them. I should like some lunch. You can lunch at the Restaurant below. Will you lunch there also (aussi)? With pleasure, if you will pay for both of us (tous les deux). I have a hat, a stick, an umbrella, a catalogue, a ticket of admission, and an appetite, but I have no money. I am afraid (je crains) that no one will give me luncheon. I will (je vais) go down (descendre) into the Restaurant.
Have you seen the pictures? I haven’t seen the pictures. I haven’t seen the pictures, but I have seen the people. I’m going to have lunch. Are you going to have lunch? I’ll have lunch with you (if you cover the cost). Thank you! (merci!) Has the aesthete cut his hair? The hairdresser has cut the aesthete’s hair (i.e., the hair of the aesthete). I like (j’aime) the picture by (par) Keeley Halswelle, but I won’t buy (acheter) the Nocturne by Whistler (siffleur). Whistler can go jump! (sifflé). Keeley Halswelle’s picture is called (s’appelle) “Royal Windsor.” Is it true (est-ce vrai que) that the soap guy (l’homme aux savons), Pears, has bought “Royal Windsor” for an advertisement (affiche)? Val Prinsep has painted something like an artist, but (mais) Mr. Holl has painted someone who is sort of like an artist. What’s his name? His name is (il s’appelle) John Tenniel. It’s really hot. It’s crowded. When it’s crowded, it’s hot. How many people are here? I don’t know: I’ll count them. I’d like some lunch. You can have lunch at the restaurant downstairs. Will you eat there too (aussi)? Absolutely, if you’re paying for both of us (tous les deux). I have a hat, a cane, an umbrella, a catalog, an admission ticket, and an appetite, but I have no money. I’m afraid (je crains) that no one will buy me lunch. I’ll (je vais) go down (descendre) to the restaurant.
Waiter! (garçon) have you some bread, some cutlets, some beef, some preserved strawberry jam-tart (confiture aux fraises), and some good wine (du bon vin)? Yes sir; here they are (voilà). Ah! my dear friend (mon cher ami), sit opposite (vis-à-vis) me. Call the Waiter, and tell him we lunch together (ensemble).
Waiter! Do you have some bread, cutlets, beef, strawberry jam tart, and some good wine? Yes, sir; here they are. Ah! my dear friend, sit across from me. Call the waiter and let him know we’re having lunch together.
The wine is good, the bread is excellent, the beef is appetising. Excuse me one moment (un moment) I see Madame X—— going up (monter) to the Gallery. I must (il faut) speak to her. She has asked me to show (indiquer) her Mrs. Jopling’s pictures and Miss Montalba’s (ceux de Mlle. Montalba). You are coming back (de retour), are you not (n’est-ce pas)? Yes; I shall come back.
The wine is good, the bread is excellent, and the beef is appetizing. Excuse me for a moment (un moment), I see Madame X—— heading up (monter) to the Gallery. I need to (il faut) talk to her. She has asked me to show (indiquer) her Mrs. Jopling’s paintings and Miss Montalba’s (ceux de Mlle. Montalba). You're coming back (de retour), right (n’est-ce pas)? Yes; I will come back.
Waiter! the Gentleman who was with me will come back and pay for his own share. No, Sir (Non, Monsieur) you must pay for the two. It is too bad; I will speak to (m’addresser) Mr. Comyns Carr, or to Sir Coutts. All that is nothing to me (tout ça ne me regarde pas); you have (il faut absolument) to pay for two soups, two fish, two beefs, two vegetables (legumes), one bottle of the best (le meilleur) wine, two breads, two butters.
Waiter! The gentleman who was with me will come back and pay for his share. No, sir, you must pay for both. That’s unfortunate; I’ll talk to Mr. Comyns Carr or Sir Coutts. None of that concerns me; you have to pay for two soups, two fish, two beef dishes, two vegetables, one bottle of the best wine, two breads, and two butters.
There is the money. I am angry. I will not give anything (ne-rien) to the waiter. The pictures are in the Gallery above, but his friend is no longer to be seen (visible). Where is that gentleman (ce monsieur)? He is gone (il est parti). Did he say when he would return? No; he did not say when he would return. He has taken my overcoat (par-dessus), my catalogue, and my new umbrella (parapluie). I will hasten (me presser) to seek (chercher) him. Another day I will look at the pictures.
There’s the money. I’m angry. I won't give anything (ne-rien) to the waiter. The pictures are in the gallery above, but his friend is nowhere to be seen (visible). Where is that guy (ce monsieur)? He’s gone (il est parti). Did he say when he would be back? No; he didn’t say when he would return. He took my overcoat (par-dessus), my catalog, and my new umbrella (parapluie). I’ll hurry (me presser) to look for (chercher) him. I’ll check out the pictures another day.
Punch, May 5, 1883.
Punch, May 5, 1883.
A CHRONOLOGICAL INDEX
to some of the principal
to some of the main
Books and Periodicals
Books and Magazines
treating of Parody and Burlesque.
Parody and Burlesque.
——:o:——
——:o:——
Curiosities of Literature, by Isaac D’Israeli, has chapters on “Parodies,” “Literary Forgeries,” and on “Literary Impostures.”
Curiosities of Literature, by Isaac D’Israeli, has chapters on “Parodies,” “Literary Forgeries,” and “Literary Impostures.”
The Edinburgh Review, November 1812, contains the famous article by Lord Jeffrey on “Rejected Addresses.”
The Edinburgh Review, November 1812, features the well-known article by Lord Jeffrey on “Rejected Addresses.”
The Three Trials of William Hone for publishing Three Parodies, namely, “The late John Wilkes’s Catechism,” “The Political Litany,” and the “Sinecurist’s Creed,” at Guildhall, London, December 18, 19, and 20, 1817. William Hone himself printed and published in 1818, the Reports of these Trials, which contain a great quantity of general information about Parodies.
The Three Trials of William Hone for publishing three parodies, specifically, “The Late John Wilkes’s Catechism,” “The Political Litany,” and “The Sinecurist’s Creed,” at Guildhall, London, on December 18, 19, and 20, 1817. William Hone himself printed and published in 1818 the reports of these trials, which include a lot of general information about parodies.
The Westminster Review, July, 1854. An anonymous article on “Parody.” London: John Chapman.
The Westminster Review, July, 1854. An anonymous article on “Parody.” London: John Chapman.
Curiosités Littéraires, par Ludovic Lalanne. Paris: A. Delahays, 1857. Contains articles on imitation and burlesque.
Curiosités Littéraires, by Ludovic Lalanne. Paris: A. Delahays, 1857. Includes articles on imitation and parody.
Memoir of William Edmonstoune Aytoun. By (Sir) Theodore Martin. Edinburgh: William Blackwood & Sons, 1867. This contains information as to Aytoun’s share in the Bon Gaultier Ballads, his mock tragedy Firmilian, and other humorous writings, prose and verse.
Memoir of William Edmonstoune Aytoun. By (Sir) Theodore Martin. Edinburgh: William Blackwood & Sons, 1867. This includes details about Aytoun’s involvement in the Bon Gaultier Ballads, his comic play Firmilian, and other humorous works, both prose and poetry.
The Standard, November 26, 1868; January 30, 1871.
The Standard, November 26, 1868; January 30, 1871.
La Parodie chez les Grecs, chez les Romains, et chez les Modernes, par Octave Delepierre. Londres: N. Trübner et Cie., 1870.
Parody in the Greeks, the Romans, and the Moderns, by Octave Delepierre. London: N. Trübner and Co., 1870.
The chapter on English Parodies (p. 146 to p. 169) was compiled by M. Delepierre from information and Parodies supplied to him by Walter Hamilton.
The chapter on English Parodies (p. 146 to p. 169) was put together by M. Delepierre using information and parodies provided to him by Walter Hamilton.
The Athenæum, July 1, 1871. A Review of M. Delepierre’s “La Parodie.” London.
The Athenæum, July 1, 1871. A Review of M. Delepierre’s “La Parodie.” London.
Pro and Con. Edited by Walter Hamilton. February 15, 1873. An article on Parodies, Paraphrases and Imitations. London: E. and F. Spon.
Pro and Con. Edited by Walter Hamilton. February 15, 1873. An article on Parodies, Paraphrases, and Imitations. London: E. and F. Spon.
The Galaxy, May 1874. Contains “The Parody of the Period,” by J. Brander Matthews (p. 694). New York, U.S.A. Sheldon & Company.
The Galaxy, May 1874. Contains “The Parody of the Period,” by J. Brander Matthews (p. 694). New York, U.S.A. Sheldon & Company.
Tinsley’s Magazine (London), September 1876. An article on “Parody,” by S. Waddington.
Tinsley’s Magazine (London), September 1876. An article on “Parody,” by S. Waddington.
Fun, Ancient and Modern. By Dr. Maurice Davies. Two volumes. London: Tinsley Brothers, 1878.
Fun, Ancient and Modern. By Dr. Maurice Davies. Two volumes. London: Tinsley Brothers, 1878.
History of English Humour. By the Rev. A. G. L’Estrange. Two volumes. Has a chapter on Burlesque and Parody. London: Hurst & Blackett, 1878.
History of English Humour. By Rev. A. G. L’Estrange. Two volumes. Includes a chapter on Burlesque and Parody. London: Hurst & Blackett, 1878.
The Globe (London), November 17, 1880. An article on “Parodies.”
The Globe (London), November 17, 1880. An article on “Parodies.”
The Humorous Poetry of the English Language, from Chaucer to Saxe. Collected by J. Parton, Boston, U.S. Houghton & Co., 1881. This contains a good collection of Parodies and Burlesques, most of which have been reprinted in this work.
The Humorous Poetry of the English Language, from Chaucer to Saxe. Collected by J. Parton, Boston, U.S. Houghton & Co., 1881. This includes a solid collection of parodies and burlesques, most of which have been reprinted in this work.
346 The Gentleman’s Magazine, London. September, 1881. “The Poetry of Parody,” by W. Davenport Adams.
346 The Gentleman’s Magazine, London. September, 1881. “The Poetry of Parody,” by W. Davenport Adams.
Poetical Ingenuities and Eccentricities. Edited by William T. Dobson. London: Chatto & Windus, 1882. Contains a chapter on Parody.
Poetical Ingenuities and Eccentricities. Edited by William T. Dobson. London: Chatto & Windus, 1882. Contains a chapter on Parody.
The Maclise Portrait Gallery of Illustrious Literary Characters, with Memoirs. By William Bates, B.A. London: Chatto & Windus, 1883.
The Maclise Portrait Gallery of Illustrious Literary Characters, with Memoirs. By William Bates, B.A. London: Chatto & Windus, 1883.
A storehouse of information as to the history and origin of some of the best parodies in the language.
A collection of information about the history and origin of some of the best parodies in the language.
Vers de Société and Parody. By H. A. Page. London: T. Fisher Unwin, 1883.
Vers de Société and Parody. By H. A. Page. London: T. Fisher Unwin, 1883.
The Gentleman’s Magazine, February, 1884. “Charles Cotton,” by Rev. M. G. Watkins, contains an account of Cotton’s Burlesques. London: Chatto & Windus.
The Gentleman’s Magazine, February, 1884. “Charles Cotton,” by Rev. M. G. Watkins, includes a description of Cotton’s Burlesques. London: Chatto & Windus.
Chambers’s Journal, February 2, 1884. “The Muse of Parody.” Anonymous. London: W. & R. Chambers.
Chambers’s Journal, February 2, 1884. “The Muse of Parody.” Anonymous. London: W. & R. Chambers.
Burlesque Plays and Poems, with an Introduction, by Henry Morley. London: G. Routledge & Sons, 1885.
Burlesque Plays and Poems, with an Introduction, by Henry Morley. London: G. Routledge & Sons, 1885.
The Literary Remains of Charles Stuart Calverley, with a Memoir. By Walter J. Sendall. London: George Bell and Sons, 1885. This is interesting as throwing light on the composition of Calverley’s exquisite imitations.
The Literary Remains of Charles Stuart Calverley, with a Memoir. By Walter J. Sendall. London: George Bell and Sons, 1885. This is interesting for shedding light on the creation of Calverley’s beautiful imitations.
The Saturday Review (London), February 14, 1885. An article “The Art of Parody” (anonymous), which was reprinted on p. 103, Vol. II. of this collection.
The Saturday Review (London), February 14, 1885. An article “The Art of Parody” (anonymous), which was reprinted on p. 103, Vol. II. of this collection.
The Daily News (London), October 10, 1885. A leader on Charles Stuart Calverley’s Poems and Parodies.
The Daily News (London), October 10, 1885. An article about Charles Stuart Calverley’s Poems and Parodies.
Longman’s Magazine (London), October, 1886. An article, “The Ethics of Plagiarism,” by Brander Matthews.
Longman’s Magazine (London), October, 1886. An article, “The Ethics of Plagiarism,” by Brander Matthews.
Temple Bar (London), January, 1887. An article on Charles Stuart Calverley, and his Parodies.
Temple Bar (London), January, 1887. An article about Charles Stuart Calverley and his parodies.
The Whitehall Review (London), March 10, 1887. “Concerning Parodies.”
The Whitehall Review (London), March 10, 1887. “About Parodies.”
Family Herald, July 28, 1888. “Parodies.” Anonymous. London: William Stevens.
Family Herald, July 28, 1888. “Parodies.” Anonymous. London: William Stevens.
The Daily News (London), December 3, 1888. A leader on “Parody.”
The Daily News (London), December 3, 1888. A leader on “Parody.”
Temple Bar (London), March, 1889. An anonymous paper on James Smith, and the Rejected Addresses, the greater part of which is borrowed from the Preface to the 18th edition (1833), of the R. A.
Temple Bar (London), March, 1889. An anonymous article about James Smith and the Rejected Addresses, most of which is taken from the Preface to the 18th edition (1833) of the R. A.
In Cap and Gown, Three Centuries of Cambridge Wit. Edited by Charles Whibley. London: Kegan, Paul, Trench & Co., 1889.
In Cap and Gown, Three Centuries of Cambridge Wit. Edited by Charles Whibley. London: Kegan, Paul, Trench & Co., 1889.
This contains some of the best parodies which have been published in Cambridge, with notes descriptive of the principal publications of the University.
This includes some of the best parodies that have been published in Cambridge, along with notes describing the main publications of the University.
The Daily News (London), June 21, 1889. A leader on Hamilton’s “Collection of Poems and Parodies in Praise of Tobacco.”
The Daily News (London), June 21, 1889. An editorial on Hamilton’s “Collection of Poems and Parodies in Praise of Tobacco.”
The Daily News (London), October 16, 1889. A leader on Mr. Charles Whibley’s “In Cap and Gown,” which see.
The Daily News (London), October 16, 1889. An article about Mr. Charles Whibley’s “In Cap and Gown,” which you should check out.
Famous Literary Impostures, a Series of Essays. By H. R. Montgomery. London: E. W. Allen.
Famous Literary Impostures, a Series of Essays. By H. R. Montgomery. London: E. W. Allen.
Notes and Queries. London. See particularly March 25, 1871; June 26, 1880; June 25, 1887; July 30, 1887.
Notes and Queries. London. See especially March 25, 1871; June 26, 1880; June 25, 1887; July 30, 1887.
The Weekly Dispatch. London. In November, 1879, this paper commenced prize competitions which it has continued ever since. Parodies of well-known authors are often selected for these competitions, and many examples have been quoted in this collection.
The Weekly Dispatch. London. In November 1879, this paper started prize competitions that it has kept going ever since. Parodies of famous authors are often chosen for these competitions, and many examples have been included in this collection.
The World. London. In July, 1879, this journal opened its columns to competitors for prizes, which were awarded for the best parodies of certain poems selected by the Editor. Many of these have also been quoted in Parodies.
The World. London. In July 1879, this magazine invited entries for prizes, which were given for the best parodies of specific poems chosen by the Editor. Many of these have also been referenced in Parodies.
End of Sixth, and Last, Volume.
End of the Sixth and Final Volume.
FOOTNOTES:
[2] J’entends.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ I hear you.
[4] See “The Gentleman’s Magazine,” Vol. 56, p. 427; also Boswell’s Life of Johnson, Vol. 10, p. 189—edition in 10 vols., published by John Murray, London, 1835.
[4] See “The Gentleman’s Magazine,” Vol. 56, p. 427; also Boswell’s Life of Johnson, Vol. 10, p. 189—edition in 10 vols., published by John Murray, London, 1835.
[5] The lines in italics are usually omitted, as being too serious for the occasion. They allude to certain newspaper critics who were supposed to be present, and who became rather heated in their political expressions.
[5] The italicized lines are usually left out because they’re seen as too serious for the situation. They refer to some newspaper critics who were supposed to be there and who got pretty intense with their political opinions.
[7] In plain English, the Halfpenny-hatch, then a footway through fields; but now, as the same bards sing elsewhere—
[7] In simple terms, the Halfpenny-hatch was a path through fields, but now, as those same poets say elsewhere—
[8] Some extracts from this parody, with an illustration by Cruikshank, will be found in Vol. IV. Parodies, p. 102.
[8] Some excerpts from this parody, featuring an illustration by Cruikshank, can be found in Vol. IV. Parodies, p. 102.
[9] John Kemble.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ John Kemble.
[10] Madame Catalani.
Madame Catalani.
[11] “Company” understood.
“Company” noted.
[12] Cochin China Cock.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Cochin China Chicken.
[13] Halliwell considered this rhyme to be at least 300 years old. He adds a fifth verse:—
[13] Halliwell thought this rhyme was at least 300 years old. He includes a fifth verse:—
He also makes the last line of the fourth verse to read:—
He also makes the last line of the fourth verse to read:—
which tragical dénouement is certainly that which is inculcated in all well-regulated nurseries.
which tragic dénouement is definitely what is taught in all well-managed nurseries.
[14] Slang for sixpence.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Slang for six pence.
[15] Battenburg.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Battenburg.
[16] Poem on Liberty, ver. 12.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Poem on Liberty, line 12.
[17] Ibid. ver. 16.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Ibid. ver. 16.
[18] Ibid. ver. 104.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Ibid. ver. 104.
[20] Poem on Liberty, ver. 243, 245.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Poem on Liberty, ver. 243, 245.
[21] Poem on Liberty, ver. 247.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Poem on Liberty, v. 247.
[22] Ibid. ver. 309.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Ibid. ver. 309.
[23] Ibid. ver. 171.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Ibid. v. 171.
[24] Antis i.e., Anti-smokers.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Antis i.e., Anti-smokers.
[26] The term “drinking” tobacco was commonly used in the early days of smoking.
[26] The phrase "smoking" tobacco was often used in the early days of tobacco use.
[27] An herb with which the hart is said to cure its wounds.
[27] An herb that the deer is said to use to heal its wounds.
[29] See Hesio. Pro Mea benevolente. Act. Mediæv. Pp. 992. Quisque numjam satis, Vol. II., chap. 78, ¶XIV. Also, Hey Didhul Didhul Thecat anthef Hidul. ¶XI Pp. 672. Ib.
[29] See Hesio. Pro Mea benevolente. Act. Mediæv. Pp. 992. Each individual sometimes enough, Vol. II., chap. 78, ¶XIV. Also, Hey Didhul Didhul Thecat anthef Hidul. ¶XI Pp. 672. Ib.
[30] Not found in the MSS. of the 29th century. Hunc Dune objected to by the English committee.
[30] Not found in the MSS. of the 29th century. Hunc Dune was opposed by the English committee.
[33] The Morning Star, a London Liberal newspaper, founded in 1856.
[33] The Morning Star, a Liberal newspaper based in London, started in 1856.
[34] To enable the reader to realise more vividly the impressive solemnity of this ode, the number of welcomes has been put in Arabic numerals.
[34] To help the reader better appreciate the powerful solemnity of this ode, the number of welcomes has been put in Arabic numerals.
[35] Sir Francis Burdett, Radical M.P. for Westminster, and father of Lady Burdett Coutts.
[35] Sir Francis Burdett, a progressive Member of Parliament for Westminster and the father of Lady Burdett Coutts.
[36] William Cobbett, M.P. for Oldham, an extraordinary man, who started life as a private soldier, and by his own unaided exertions acquired a position of considerable importance.
[36] William Cobbett, Member of Parliament for Oldham, was an amazing person who began his life as a private soldier and, through his own hard work, gained a position of significant importance.
[37] Query—Paced?—Printers Devil.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Query—Paced?—Printer's Devil.
[38] Fellows of Colleges are not so destitute of feeling as to forget their “Old Friend.”
[38] College fellows aren’t so lacking in feeling that they forget their “Longtime Friend.”
[39] Sir Richard Steele.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Sir Richard Steele.
[40] Sir Richard Blackmore.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Sir Richard Blackmore.
[41] Sir Richard Cox.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Sir Richard Cox.
[42] Father of Mr. J. L. Toole, the popular comedian.
[42] Father of Mr. J. L. Toole, the well-known comedian.
[43] Alfred Bunn, the lessee of Drury Lane Theatre, was a fortune to the small wits of the day. He wrote the librettos for some operas, which were neither better nor worse than the average of such productions. Punch bitterly attacked him, but he retaliated in “A word with Punch” which effectually silenced that individual.
[43] Alfred Bunn, the owner of Drury Lane Theatre, was a goldmine for the clever critics of the time. He wrote the librettos for some operas, which were about as good as most of the other works out there. Punch harshly criticized him, but he struck back in “A Word with Punch,” which effectively shut that publication down.
Bunn brought out the wonderfully successful Operatic Singer, Jenny Lind. He died in 1860.
Bunn introduced the incredibly successful opera singer, Jenny Lind. He passed away in 1860.
[44] Jullien organised the popular Promenade Concerts, with military bands, Army Quadrilles, &c.
[44] Jullien arranged the well-known Promenade Concerts, featuring military bands, Army Quadrilles, etc.
[45] The Rape of the Bucket: An Heroi-comical Poem. Translated from the Italian of Tassoni by Mr. Ozell.
[45] The Rape of the Bucket: A Heroic-comic Poem. Translated from the Italian of Tassoni by Mr. Ozell.
[46] Ringing the penance-bell was an expression which frequently occurred in Brown’s writings.
[46] The phrase "ringing the penance-bell" often appeared in Brown's writings.
[47] Two celebrated coaches.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Two famous coaches.
[48] The month in which the B.A. degree is taken and which in many instances, is the “finis fatorum;” at least to a great portion of the “bons vivans.”
[48] The month when the B.A. degree is earned and which often serves as the “end of the line;” at least for a significant number of the “good livers.”
[49] The celebrated Lord Chesterfield, whose Letters to his Son, according to Dr. Johnson, inculcate “the manners of a dancing master and the morals of a ——,” &c.
[49] The famous Lord Chesterfield, whose Letters to his Son, as Dr. Johnson puts it, teach “the manners of a dance instructor and the morals of a ——,” etc.
[50] “Lord Mayor of the theatric sky.” This alludes to Leigh Hunt, who, in The Examiner, at this time kept the actors in hot water.
[50] “Lord Mayor of the theatrical sky.” This refers to Leigh Hunt, who, in The Examiner, at this time was keeping the actors in trouble.
[51] All England Lawn-Tennis Club.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ All England Lawn Tennis Club.
[52] President Hitquick Club.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ President Hitquick Club.
[53] It would seem that the striking want of poetical justice in the usually-received termination of this otherwise excellent story, wherein none of the good people were made happy, and the wicked were most inadequately punished, had caused the author to tremble for his popularity among the female portion of the community—who, it is well known, will stand no liberties of that description. He has therefore (apparently) re-written it on more orthodox principles; or (not improbably) got somebody else to re-write it for him; or (as is barely possible) somebody else has re-written it for him without asking his leave. We have no means of ascertaining the exact state of the case. The reader is requested to form his own opinion, and let us know at his earliest convenience.—Eds. O. M.
[53] It seems that the glaring lack of poetic justice in the typical ending of this otherwise great story, where none of the good characters found happiness and the villains were only weakly punished, made the author anxious about his popularity with women—who, as we all know, won't accept that kind of thing. He has, therefore, (it seems) rewritten it using more conventional methods; or (more likely) had someone else rewrite it for him; or (as is just possible) someone else has rewritten it without his permission. We have no way of knowing the exact situation. The reader is asked to form their own opinion and let us know at their earliest convenience.—Eds. O. M.
[54] Not being a ghost, Corydon does not talk in the style of 1670.
[54] Not being a ghost, Corydon doesn't speak like someone from 1670.
[55] The subject and title of these papers bear some resemblance to Messrs. Griffith and Farran’s natty little republication of the selections from “Lord Chesterfield’s Letters to his Son,” entitled Manners and Speech, but a careful comparison will establish the dissimilarity.
[55] The topic and title of these papers are somewhat similar to Messrs. Griffith and Farran’s neat little reissue of selections from “Lord Chesterfield’s Letters to his Son,” called Manners and Speech, but a close comparison will make the differences clear.
[56] The Syndicate.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ The Syndicate.
[57] One who betrays his companions.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ A friend betrayer.
[58] Share of the plunder.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Share of the loot.
[59] Burglary.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Break-in.
[60] Inform.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Update.
[61] Companions.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Friends.
[62] Gentlemanly.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Polite.
[63] Police officers.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Cops.
[64] Old Bailey pleaders.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Old Bailey lawyers.
[65] Prison.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Jail.
[66] Gunpowder.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Gunpowder.
[67] An experienced hand at stealing.
A skilled thief.
[68] Double-barrelled gun.
Double-barrel shotgun.
[69] Drink freely.
Drink up.
[70] Brandy.
Brandy.
[71] Depart.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Leave.
[72] Fire.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Fire.
[73] Transported.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Shipped.
[74] A hearty choke; i.e., hanging.
A hearty choke; i.e., hanging.
[75] A Burglary.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ A Break-In.
[76] Houses.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Homes.
[77] Steal.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Take.
[78] Handkerchief.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Tissue.
[79] Skilful.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Skilled.
[80] Pass false notes.
Pass fake bills.
[81] Watch.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Stream.
[82] Hanged.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Executed by hanging.
[83] Parson.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Pastor.
[84] Magistrate or judge.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Judge.
[85] Handsomest wig.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Best wig.
[86] Prison.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Jail.
[87] Ladies of a certain description.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Type of women.
[88] Comrades or fast friends.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Friends or close allies.
[90] Warders.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Guards.
[91] Night.
Night.
[92] Meat and drink.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Food and drink.
[93] A greenhorn.
A newbie.
[94] Tricks of the trade.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Insider tips.
[95] Talking slang.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Chat lingo.
[96] Imprisoned.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Incarcerated.
[97] Up to prison ways.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ To prison routes.
[98] Writing.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Writing.
[99] Thieves should pray on their knees.
Thieves should pray on their knees.
[100] Highway-robbers, swell-mobsmen, burglars, and forgers.
[100] Highway robbers, con artists, burglars, and forgers.
[101] Slang names for Pentonville Model Prison, and Millbank Penitentiary.
[101] Informal names for Pentonville Model Prison and Millbank Penitentiary.
[102] Whitechapel Swell.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Whitechapel Swell.
[103] Actions.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Actions.
[104] Flash.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Update.
[105] Half-penny.
Half penny.
[106] Hat.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Hat.
[107] Eatables.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Food.
[108] Coat.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Jacket.
[109] Look.
Check it out.
[110] Trousers.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Pants.
[111] The Throat.
The Throat.
[112] Flash.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Flash.
[113] Vest.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Vest.
[114] Pockets.
Pockets.
[115] Teetotaler.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Non-drinker.
[116] Sure place.
Sure thing.
[117] Money.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Cash.
[118] Pickpockets.
Pickpockets.
[119] Cross hands.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Cross arms.
[120] A watch.
A watch.
[121] Chain.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Chain.
[122] Deceive.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Trick.
[123] Gensd’armes.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Police officers.
[124] Salute.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Hey.
[125] Shout.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Yell.
[126] Public-house.
Pub.
[127] Smoke a pipe.
Smoke a pipe.
[128] Paid a shilling.
Paid a shilling.
[129] Gin.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Gin.
[130] Humbug.
Fake news.
[131] Sherry.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Sherry.
[132] Mistress.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Dom.
[133] Pork.
Pork.
[134] Red herring.
Distraction tactic.
[135] Lots of beer.
So much beer.
[136] The judges.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ The judges.
[137] Clothes.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Clothing.
[138] Neat.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Cool.
[139] A fine young woman.
A great young woman.
[140] Die.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Pass away.
[141] Drinks water or tea.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Drinks water or tea.
[142] Innkeeper.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Host.
[143] Tongue.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Tongue.
[144] Stole.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Took.
[145] Newgate.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Newgate.
[147] The Devil take.
The Devil take it.
[148] The beadle or constable.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ The beadle or officer.
[149] Beg Bread.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Get Bread.
[150] Porridge.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Oatmeal.
[151] The day.
The day.
[152] Legs in the stocks.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Legs in stocks.
[153] Break into a house.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Burglarize a house.
[154] Get a whipping.
Get a spanking.
[155] Rob a beer shop.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Steal from a liquor store.
[156] Cut a purse.
Steal a purse.
[157] Force a lock.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Lock it down.
[158] Magistrate.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Judge.
[159] Fetters.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Chains.
[161] To go.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ To leave.
[162] Good, or well.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Good, or okay.
[163] Women.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Women.
[164] To look out.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ To check out.
[165] Goods.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Products.
[166] Lost.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Missing.
[167] A good fellow.
A nice guy.
[168] Money.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Cash.
[169] A buxom wench.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ A curvy woman.
[170] Suited me very well.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Worked perfectly for me.
[171] To cover or conceal.
To hide or cover up.
[172] Steal.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Take.
[173] To tell lies cleverly.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ To tell clever lies.
[174] A penny.
A cent.
[175] The country.
The country.
[176] The house being alarmed.
The house is being alarmed.
[177] To hide in the woods.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Hide in the woods.
[178] Thieves receiving house.
Thieves getting a house.
[179] Bacon.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Bacon.
[180] A beadle or Watchman.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ A beadle or guard.
[181] Do not brag of your booty.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Don't brag about your wealth.
[182] To rogues that are base.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ To dishonest people.
[183] The girl on the look out.
The girl on lookout.
[184] A counterfeit license.
A fake license.
[185] To beg.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ To ask for help.
[186] To break into each house.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ To enter every house.
[187] The man must run.
The guy has to run.
[188] Through hedge, ditch and field.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Through hedge, ditch, and field.
[189] Base fetters give the man his deserts.
[189] Basic restraints reward the man according to his actions.
[190] The jail.
The jail.
[191] May the Devil take.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ To hell with it.
[192] Justice of the Peace.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ JP.
[194] To hang on the gallows.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ To be executed.
[195] By rogues betrayed.
By traitors betrayed.
[196] Long-home.
Long home.
[197] London.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ London.
[198] Horse stealers.
Horse thieves.
[199] Carriage and Wagon pilferers, and Trunk lifters.
[199] Thieves who steal carriages and wagons, and those who lift trunks.
[200] Fancy man, sweetheart.
Stylish guy, sweetheart.
[201] Prisons.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Jails.
[202] Handcuffs.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Cuffs.
[204] Refreshments.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Snacks.
[206] Gin shops.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Liquor stores.
[207] Women and girls.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Women and girls.
[209] To see you.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ To see you.
[210] Hats or caps.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Hats or caps.
[211] Beggars’ holiday.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Beggars' day off.
[212] Constables.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Cops.
[213] Justice of the Peace.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ JP.
[214] Tramp.
Homeless person.
[215] Head of a gang.
Gang leader.
[216] Poultry thief.
Chicken thief.
[217] Horse stealer.
Horse thief.
[218] Beggar.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Homeless person.
[219] Avoid.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Skip.
[220] One who sneaks into a house at dusk to admit his companions later on.
[220] Someone who breaks into a house at dusk to let his friends in later.
[221] Takes us to goal.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Leads us to the goal.
[222] Half-pennies.
Half-pennies.
[223] Rob him of his money.
Take his money.
[224] To spend his shilling.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ To spend his dollar.
[226] Girl.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Girl.
[227] Hanging place.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Hanger.
[228] Knife.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Knife.
[229] The moon.
The moon.
[230] Light.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Light.
[231] Highwayman.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Outlaw.
[232] “Cherry-coloured—black; there being black cherries as well as red.”—Grose.
[232] “Cherry-colored—black; there are both black cherries and red ones.”—Gross.
[233] Sword.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ sword.
[234] Pistols.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Pistols.
[235] Highway-robbery.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Highway robbery.
[236] Pocket-book.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ E-book.
[237] Money.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Cash.
[238] Bullets.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Bullets.
[239] The gallows.
The gallows.
[240] Ditto.
Ditto.
[241] Money.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Cash.
[242] Man.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Dude.
[243] Stripped.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Removed.
[244] Fellow.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Buddy.
[246] Kept an eye upon the other.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Watched each other closely.
[247] Hands.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Hands.
[248] Deceive them.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Trick them.
[249] Dyot Street, St. Giles’s, afterwards called George Street, Bloomsbury, was a well-known Rookery, where thieves, and other gentry, could obtain cheap accommodation.
[249] Dyot Street, St. Giles’s, later known as George Street, Bloomsbury, was a famous slum where thieves and other people could find affordable lodging.
[250] Beggars.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Homeless people.
[251] A footman to hackney coaches, to water the horses, etc.
[251] A groom for hackney carriages, to take care of the horses, etc.
[252] To pick a pocket.
To pickpocket.
[253] To lay hold of notes or money.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ To grab money.
[254] Steal handkerchiefs dexterously.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Steal handkerchiefs skillfully.
[255] Steal a watch.
Steal a watch.
[259] An intended robbery.
An attempted robbery.
[260] My hand is skilful.
My hand is skilled.
[261] A disorderly vagabond.
A chaotic drifter.
[262] The lock-up.
The lockup.
[263] Gaoler.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Jailkeeper.
[264] Running away.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Fleeing.
[265] Frolicsome.
Playful.
[266] An expert pickpocket.
A skilled pickpocket.
[267] Night.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Night.
[268] Not to commit any offence punishable with death.
[268] Not to commit any crime that could result in the death penalty.
[270] Transported.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Delivered.
[271] Hanged.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Executed.
[272] House-breaker.
Home invader.
[273] Highwayman.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Thief on horseback.
[274] Pawned their clothes.
Pawned their clothes.
[275] The rope.
The rope.
[276] Pocket handkerchief.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Pocket square.
[277] Candles.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Candles.
[278] Break your head.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Think hard.
[279] Neck.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Neck.
[280] On the tapis (carpet).
On the carpet.
[281] Regular nonsense.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Just nonsense.
[282] Talking.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Chatting.
[283] Walking.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Walking.
[284] Eating and drinking.
Eating and drinking.
[285] A sovereign.
A sovereign.
[286] Look out, be on your guard.
Stay alert, watch your back.
[287] The gallows.
The gallows.
[288] A Foot pad.
A foot pad.
[289] A Burglar.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ A Thief.
[290] A Window thief.
A window thief.
[291] Steal the valuables.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Take the valuables.
[292] A pickpocket.
A thief.
[293] A silly fop.
A silly show-off.
[294] A sneaking thief.
A stealthy thief.
[295] One whose duty it is to hustle a person, whilst another robs him.
[295] Someone whose job is to distract a person while someone else steals from them.
[296] A country man.
A rural guy.
[297] One who hooks goods out of shop doors, and windows.
[297] Someone who steals items from store entrances and windows.
[298] A publichouse thief.
A bar thief.
[299] A well-dressed sharper who performs the confidence trick, etc.
[299] A stylish con artist who pulls off confidence tricks, etc.
[300] A good-natured fool.
A lovable goof.
[301] Money.
Cash.
[302] A wench.
A girl.
[303] An easy dupe.
An easy scam.
[305] One caught in the act of stealing is considered a poor hand by his pals.
[305] Someone who gets caught stealing is seen as a loser by their friends.
[306] A cow stealer.
A cattle rustler.
[307] A child stealer.
A kidnapper.
[308] A poultry stealer.
A chicken thief.
[309] Members of the Canting Crew.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Canting Crew members.
[312] See.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Check it out.
[313] My Girl.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ My Girl.
[314] Return.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Back.
[315] Eyes.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Eyes.
[316] Strolling mock priest.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Pretending to be a priest.
[317] Ducks and geese.
Ducks and geese.
[318] Hang.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Wait.
[319] Never “peach” or confess.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Never “snitch” or confess.
[320] Neck.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Neck.
[321] Thieving business.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Stealing operation.
[322] A girl.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ A girl.
[323] Spoke flash.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Spoke light.
[324] Drink and food.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Food and drinks.
[325] Beer.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Beer.
[326] Thieving way.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Stealing path.
[327] Bed.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Bed.
[328] Nose.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Nose.
[329] Pockets.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Pockets.
[330] Fingers.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Fingers.
[331] Sovereigns.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Rulers.
[332] Seals.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Seals.
[333] The parson at Newgate.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ The pastor at Newgate.
[334] Saying prayers.
Praying.
[335] Pickpockets.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Pickpockets.
[336] Morning work at thieving.
Morning work at stealing.
[338] When any words have erroneously been set up twice.
[338] When any words have mistakenly been typed twice.
[339] This was an error, as the Catechism had previously appeared in a daily paper.
[339] This was a mistake, as the Catechism had already been published in a daily newspaper.
[340] Lord Chancellor Eldon.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Lord Chancellor Eldon.
[341] Lord Castlereagh.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Lord Castlereagh.
[342] Lord Sidmouth.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Lord Sidmouth.
[343] Triangle, s. a thing having three sides; the meanest and most tinkling of all musical instruments; machinery used in military torture.—Dictionary.
[343] Triangle, n. a shape with three sides; the most basic and most jingling of all musical instruments; equipment used in military torture.—Dictionary.
[344] All-twattle; Twattle, v. n. to prate, gabble, chatter, talk idly.—Entick’s Dictionary.
[344] All-twattle; Twattle, v. n. to talk nonsense, ramble, chatter, talk mindlessly.—Entick's Dictionary.
[345] Robert Southey, the Poet Laureate.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Robert Southey, the Poet Laureate.
[346] Sir Robert Walpole.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Sir Robert Walpole.
[347] George III., then insane.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ George III, then mad.
[348] Covent Carden.
__A_TAG_PLACEHOLDER_0__ Covent Garden.
[349] Sir Cecil Wray, the Ministerial Candidate, who proposed to put a tax on female servants.
[349] Sir Cecil Wray, the candidate for minister, who suggested taxing female servants.
[350] This prophecy was afterwards strangely fulfilled, for the Sultan was run upon rocks and sunk. The Duke of Edinburgh was not on board at the time, but he was in command on the station, and under his directions ineffectual efforts were made to save the vessel. These having failed, a Court of Enquiry was held, of which it has not been deemed prudent to publish any report. It would obviously be exceedingly unprofessional to impute negligence or incompetence to a Royal Duke who condescends to accept the title and the pay of an Admiral.
[350] This prophecy was later strangely fulfilled, as the Sultan ran aground and sank. The Duke of Edinburgh wasn’t on the ship at the time, but he was in charge of the station, and under his direction, unsuccessful attempts were made to save the vessel. After these efforts failed, a Court of Inquiry was held, but it was deemed unwise to publish any report. It would clearly be very unprofessional to suggest negligence or incompetence on the part of a Royal Duke who graciously accepts the title and pay of an Admiral.
The vessel was afterwards raised, and taken into port by a firm of contractors.
The ship was later lifted and brought into port by a contracting company.
INDEX.
The Authors of the original poems are arranged in alphabetical order; the titles of the original poems are printed in italics, followed by the Parodies. The Authors of the Parodies are named in italics.
The authors of the original poems are listed in alphabetical order; the titles of the original poems are in italics, followed by the parodies. The authors of the parodies are named in italics.
| A Bibliography of the Parodies of Charles Dickens | 224 |
| A Bibliography of French Parodies | 323 |
| Bibliography of Scriptural Parodies | 312 |
| Books and Periodicals dealing with Parody | 345 |
| Books of Reference on Slang, Cant, and “Argot” | 282 |
| Burlesques of Educational Works | 328 |
| English Burlesques of the Classics | 325 |
| Literary Forgeries and Impostures | 322 |
| Mock Heroic Poems | 179 |
| Plays founded on Charles Dickens’s Novels | 226 |
| Theatrical Burlesques and Travesties | 331 |
| Ballades; Rondeaus; Villanelles, etc. | |
| The Ballade (See Swinburne). | |
| The Ballade in Bad Weather. J. Ashby Sterry | 64 |
| A Ballade of Old Metres | 64 |
| A Young Poet’s Advice | 64 |
| Ballade of Old Law Books | 65 |
| Ballade of the Honest Lawyer | 65 |
| Ballade of Leading Cases | 65 |
| Ballade of the Timid Bard | 65 |
| Ballade of a Ballade Monger. G. White | 85 |
| Ballade of Primitive Man. Andrew Lang | 85 |
| Ballade of Primitive Woman. American | 85 |
| The Doom of the Muses. H. D. Traill | 86 |
| Austin Dobson—Andrew Lang | 86 |
| Ballade of the Best Pipe | 145 |
| Ballade of Tobacco | 145 |
| The Villanelle | 65 |
| J’ay perdu ma tourterelle | 66 |
| When I saw you last, Rose | 66 |
| A Villanelle, after Oscar Wilde | 66 |
| The Street Singer. Austin Dobson | 66 |
| Culture in the Slums. W. E. Henley | 66 |
| In Wain! Punch | 67 |
| Jean Passerat, I like thee well | 87 |
| It’s all a trick. W. W. Skeat | 87 |
| We are Cook’s Tourists. H. C. Bunner | 87 |
| Dewy-eyed with shimmering hair | 88 |
| The Triolet (in a Temper) | 67 |
| Le premier jour du mois de mai | 67 |
| I wished to sing my love | 67 |
| How to fashion a Triolet | 67 |
| Triolets by Austin Dobson | 86 |
| With Pipe and Book | 146 |
| The Rondeau (in a Rage) | 67 |
| Ma foi, c’est fait de moi | 68 |
| You bid me try. Austin Dobson | 68 |
| Why do I wander wildly? | 68 |
| Culture in the Slums. W. E. Henley | 68 |
| That dear old Tune | 86 |
| In corsets laced | 87 |
| Chant Royal. | |
| Behold the Deeds. H. E. Bunner | 68 |
| Rondels. | |
| Two Rondels | 68 |
| You bet! you hear me | 86 |
| We have a most erotic bard | 86 |
| In a Cloud of smoke | 146 |
| Roundel. | |
| The cat that sings | 87 |
| Robert Browning. | |
| Mr. R. Browning’s objection to Parodies | 46 |
| Waitress, with eyes so marvellous black | 19 |
| A Motto! Just a catch-word | 26 |
| How they brought the Good News from Ulundi to Landsman’s Drift. The World | 47 |
| How I won the Challenge Shield | 47 |
| The Pied Piper of Hamelin | 48 |
| The Bagpiper of Midlothian | 48 |
| The Red Piper of Westminster | 49 |
| Poets and Linnets. Tom Hood | 49 |
| The Quest of Barparlo. Judy | 49 |
| Wanting is—what? | |
| Browning is—what? | 49 |
| Loving is—what? | 49 |
| Wooing is—what? | 50 |
| A Billiard Mystery | 50 |
| Come is the Comer | 50 |
| The Lost Leader. | |
| The Latest News. Fun | 50 |
| A Story of Girton | 51 |
| The Losing Leader | 52 |
| The Patriot, and two Parodies | 51 |
| A Parleying with a certain person of no importance (Joseph Chamberlain) | 51 |
| Two Sides | 52 |
| My Kate | 52 |
| Lays of a Lover | 52 |
| Post Chronology. O. M. Brown | 52 |
| R. Browning’s Lines on the “Jubilee,” and a Parody | 52 |
| The Poets at Tea | 52 |
| Angelo orders his Dinner. Bayard Taylor | 53 |
| Any Pleader to any Student | 53 |
| The Cock and the Bull. C. S. Calverley | 53 |
| John Jones. The Heptalogia | 54 |
| Articles on Robert Browning’s Poems | 54 |
| Browning Societies | 54 |
| Take them, Chum, the book and me together | 55 |
| Austin Dobson. | |
| This was the Pompadour’s Fan | 61 |
| A Ballade of the Grosvenor Gallery | 61 |
| A Ballade of Five o’clock Tea | 62 |
| Ballade of Pot-Pourri | 62 |
| Other Ballades, | 62, 64 |
| Tu Quoyue (by permission) | 62 |
| An Idyll of the Lobby. Pall Mall | 63 |
| The Prodigals. W. E. Henley | 63 |
| John Dryden. | |
| Alexander’s Feast | 169 |
| Shakespeare’s Feast, 1769 | 170 |
| Prancer’s Feast, 1779 | 171 |
| The Grand Portsmouth Puppet-show, 1786 | 171 |
| The Covent Garden Row. (O. P.) 1810 | 172 |
| Sir Francis Burdett’s Feast, 1814 | 172 |
| Commemoration Day, 1824 | 172 |
| Ode to a Wrangler’s Spread | 173 |
| The Kennington Common Revolution, 1848 | 173 |
| Josh Hudson’s Feast | 174 |
| Alexander (Henderson’s) Feast, 1884 | 175 |
| Three Poets, in three distant ages born | 175 |
| Parallel passages and imitations | 176 |
| The Hind and the Panther. | |
| The Country Mouse and the City Mouse | 176 |
| John Keats. | |
| Who killed John Keats? | 193 |
| La Belle Dame sans merci | 193 |
| Ode on a Jar of Pickles. Bayard Taylor | 193 |
| A thing of Beauty is a joy for ever | |
| A Locomotive is a joy for ever | 194 |
| Frederick Locker-Lampson. | |
| Biographical Notes, | 55, 85 |
| St. James’s Street, and a pirated version | 56 |
| St. Giles. Henry S. Leigh | 57 |
| Tempora Mutantur! and a Parody | 57 |
| Bramble Rise | 57 |
| A song at Sixty | 57 |
| His Girl | 58 |
| An Invitation to Rome | 58 |
| Mr. Gladstone in Rome | 58 |
| From the Cradle, and a Parody | 58 |
| A Gallery of Fair Women | 59 |
| Something Praedesque. Mortimer Collins | 59 |
| London’s “Suez Canal.” H. C. Pennell | 60 |
| Songsters of the Day. Time | 60 |
| On Frederick Locker | 61 |
| Nursery Rhymes. | |
| Introductory Notes | 101 |
| The House that Jack built | 101 |
| Hebrew version | 101 |
| Political Parodies of this Rhyme | 102 |
| Version written for the O. P. Riots | 103 |
| Parodies in The Ingoldsby Lyrics | 103 |
| The Palace that Nash built | 103 |
| The Crystal Palace that Fox built | 103 |
| The House that Barry built | 103 |
| The Water that John drinks | 104 |
| The Show that Sham built | 104 |
| The Mine that Lyon struck | 104 |
| The Land of Austra-lia | 104 |
| The Ship that Jack built | 104 |
| The House that John built | 104 |
| This is the Radical Bradlaugh | 104 |
| This is the Face that Art made | 105 |
| The House that any one built | 105 |
| The Bicycle that Jack made | 105 |
| The House that Tithe built | 105 |
| The Mitchelstown Murders | 106 |
| This is the Toy. Truth. | 106 |
| The Boat that Jack built | 106 |
| Behold the Mansion reared by Daedal Jack. E. L. Blanchard | 106 |
| The Jubilee Coercion Bill | 107 |
| The House that Bowen built | 107 |
| The Domiciliary Edifice erected by John | 107 |
| A Sermon on this Rhyme | 108 |
| Mary had a Little Lamb | |
| Austin Dobson’s Version | 88 |
| Robert Browning’s Version | 88 |
| H. W. Longfellows’s Version | 88 |
| Andrew Lang’s Version | 88 |
| A. C. Swinburne’s Version | 88 |
| Parodies on “Mary had a Little Lamb” | 125 |
| Sing a Song of Sixpence | 108 |
| Latin Versions, | 108, 109 |
| The Song of the Cover. Bentley’s Miscellany | 108 |
| French Version | 109 |
| Sing a Song of Christmas | 109 |
| A Version in “Pidgin” English | 109 |
| Carol forth a Canticle | 109 |
| Sing a Song of Season | 109 |
| Sing a Song of Dollars | 110 |
| Sing a Song of Native Art | 110 |
| Sing a Song of Gladness | 110 |
| The Cabman’s Shelter. Punch | 110 |
| The Song of Science | 110 |
| The English Illustrated Magazine | 110 |
| Fifty Thousand nimble Shillings | 111 |
| Sing a Song of Jingo | 111 |
| Sing a Song of Eightpence | 111 |
| Sing a Song of Saving | 111 |
| The Jubilee Coinage | 111 |
| Sing a Song of Gladstone | 111 |
| Sing a Song of Scaffolds, of Gunnery, of French Pence, of Chamberlain, of Armaments, of Tricksters, of Libels, of Dynamite | 112 |
| Who killed Cock Robin? | |
| Who’ll teach the Prince? Punch, 1843 | 114 |
| Who killed these Arabs? | 114 |
| Who killed Home Rule? | 114 |
| Who killed Gladstone? | 115 |
| Who won Miss Jenny? | 115 |
| Who’ll kill Coercion? | 116 |
| Who stole O’Brien’s Breeches? | 116 |
| Who killed Cock Warren? | 122 |
| Jack and Jill, and Parodies, | 116, 122 |
| Hey! Diddle Diddle | 117 |
| An Æsthetic Version | 117 |
| Mr. Escott’s Version | 117 |
| This Pig went to Market. Latin Version | 116 |
| The Bells of London Town, and Parodies | 113 |
| Mistress Mary, and a Latin Version | 117 |
| A Revised Edition | 118 |
| Political Parodies | 118 |
| Old Mother Hubbard, as a Sermon | 118 |
| Little Jack Horner, Latin Versions | 119 |
| Little Lord Randy | 119 |
| Thirty Days hath September | 123 |
| A French Version | 123 |
| Dirty days hath September | 123 |
| A Summery Summary | 123 |
| Mems. for 1885 | 123 |
| The Three Jovial Huntsmen | |
| he Three Jolly Ratsmen | 124 |
| The Three Jovial Welshmen | 124 |
| Three Children Sliding on the Ice | 124 |
| A Latin Version | 124 |
| Thank you, Pretty Cow that made | 125 |
| Thank you, Pretty Spotted Snake | 125 |
| What are you doing, my Pretty Maid? | 128 |
| Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, 122, 161 | |
| Mica, mica, parva Stella | 161 |
| Tinkle, tinkle horrid bell | 161 |
| Monument to Temple Bar | 162 |
| Shine with Irregular Light | 162 |
| Sprinkle, Sprinkle, Water Cart | 162 |
| Twinkle, twinkle, Morning Star | 162 |
| Tinkle, tinkle, Tramway Car | 163 |
| Twinkle, twinkle, Prosecutar | 163 |
| Wrinkles, wrinkles, Solar Star | 163 |
| Tyndall, Tyndall, Learned Star | 163 |
| Twinkle, twinkle, Little Arc | 163 |
| Twinkle, twinkle, Boulanger | 164 |
| The Spider and the Fly, by Mary Howitt | 164 |
| Will you Migrate to New Zealand | 165 |
| The Song of the Bank Director | 165 |
| The Irish Spider and the English Fly | 166 |
| Will you Walk into our Death-trap? | 166 |
| Harcourt and Chamberlain | 166 |
| Will you Walk into my Convent? | 167 |
| Will you Walk into my Tunnel? | 167 |
| Pray Come along to Hawarden | 167 |
| Taffy was a Welshman | 119 |
| What are Little Boys Made of | 120 |
| Dickory, dickory dock | 120 |
| Multiplication is Vexation | 120 |
| Please to Remember the 5th November | 121 |
| Privations Sore | 121 |
| Humpty Dumpty | 123 |
| Babye Bunting | 123 |
| I Love Little Pussy | 125 |
| If I had a Donkey | 127 |
| Halliwell-Halliwell, My Pretty Man | 167 |
| When Great Victoria Ruled the Land | 167 |
| I do not like Thee, Dr. Fell | 168 |
| I love Thee not Nell | 169 |
| Jan, je ne t’aime point | 169 |
| Parodies and Poems in Praise of Tobacco. | |
| J.H. Browne’s Imitations of Colley Cibber, A. Phillips, J. Thomson, E. Young, A. Pope, and Jonathan Swift, entitled “A Pipe of Tobacco” | 129 |
| Lord Byron. I Had a Dream | 135 |
| C.S. Calverley's Ode to Tobacco | 139 |
| Hand me Another Spill | 139 |
| E. Cook. I Love It! I Love It! | 134 |
| Barry Cornwall. The Pipe, the Pipe | 138 |
| Abraham Cowley. The lazy Earth doth Steam amain | 148 |
| T. Gray. Elegy on an Old Pipe Box | 131 |
| Mrs. Hemans. The Stately Pipes of England | 135 |
| Oliver Wendell Holmes. Hymn to St. Nicotine | 137 |
| Thomas Hood. I Remember, I Remember | 134 |
| Horace. An Ode Against Tobacco | 131 |
| C. Kingsley. Three Antis went Groaning | 138 |
| Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Beware! | 139 |
| Tobacco Smoke | 139 |
| Song of Firewater | 140 |
| Song of Nicotine | 140 |
| Tell me not in Penny Numbers | 140 |
| Come to Me! oh, my Meerschaum | 141 |
| The Pipe and the Quid | 141 |
| T. Moore. ’Tis a last choice Havana | 133 |
| ’Tis the last Weed of Hudson’s | 133 |
| ’Tis my last Mild Havana | 134 |
| The Butcher boy down the Road | 134 |
| Oh! the Days are gone | 134 |
| My Mother. My Hookah! | 136 |
| A Pinch of Snuff! | 136 |
| My Pipe, Love! | 136 |
| My True Cigar! | 137 |
| Tobacco! | 137 |
| The Weed | 137 |
| A Smoke | 137 |
| Ms. Norton. Smoke not, smoke not | 135 |
| A. C. Swinburne. Another match | 141 |
| Ballade of more Burdens, “This is the cause of every smoker’s ire” | 142 |
| Shakespeare. To smoke or not to smoke | 132 |
| R. B. Sheridan. Here’s to the hookah | 132 |
| Walter Scott. Hail to the plant! | 133 |
| The weed was rank | 133 |
| Alfred Lord Tennyson. The Cigar Smokers | 142 |
| Nicotina! | 144 |
| O, Darling weed! | 144 |
| I come from vaunted root | 145 |
| Wordsworth's Sonnet. | |
| Scorn not the meerschaum | 136 |
| Track from the Mikado | 145 |
| Ballad of the Best Pipe | 145 |
| Ballad of Tobacco | 145 |
| In a Cloud of Smoke. Rondel | 146 |
| With Pipe and Book | 146 |
| On an empty Tobacco Pouch | 146 |
| The Smoker’s Alphabet | 146 |
| First lines of Songs in Praise of Tobacco. | |
| A Poet’s Pipe am I | 155 |
| A Small Boy puffed at a Big Cigar | 158 |
| As the Years vanish, Darling | 159 |
| Borne from a Short Frail Pipe | 152 |
| Certain Fumeur Courtisait une Veuve | 149 |
| Come, Lovely Tube by Friendship Blest | 152 |
| Contre Les Chagrins de La Vie | 153 |
| Contented I sit with my Pipe | 153 |
| Charm of the Solitude I Love | 155 |
| Come! don’t refuse Sweet Nicotina | 157 |
| Critics avaunt, Tobacco is my theme | 149 |
| Doux charme de ma Solitude (and Translation) | 152 |
| Good, good indeed the Herb’s good Weed | 148 |
| For lack o’Tobacco | 152 |
| Hail! Social Pipe—thou Foe to care | 152 |
| Je suis la Pipe d’un Auteur (and Translation) | 155 |
| I flirted first with Cigarettes | 150 |
| I owe to Smoking, more or less | 159 |
| I sing the Song of the Cigarette | 159 |
| J’ ai du bon Tabac | 160 |
| Knows he that never took a Pinch? | 160 |
| Keep me at hand | 157 |
| Let no cold Marble o’er my Body rise | 152 |
| Luscious Leaf of Fragrant Savour | 149 |
| May the Babylonish curse. Charles Lamb | 150 |
| Molière on Tobacco | 160 |
| My Pipe to me, thro’ gloom and glee | 156 |
| Once your Smoothly Polished Face | 154 |
| Pig Tail to Chor (A Letter) | 147 |
| Plains-moi, Philippe, mon ami | 154 |
| Pipe my Darling, Fate is Snarling | 155 |
| Sweet Smoking Pipe | 152 |
| Some Praise taking Snuff | 154 |
| Some sombre evening, when I sit | 155 |
| Some sigh for this and that | 157 |
| Smoke, do you? | 158 |
| The Pungent, Nose Refreshing Weed | 160 |
| The Mighty Thebes | 158 |
| The Warmth of thy Glow | 158 |
| The Sky it was dark | 157 |
| Three Hundred Years ago or soe | 157 |
| Thou Cheering Friend | 155 |
| Tube, I Love thee as my Life | 152 |
| Tell me, Shade of Walter Raleigh | 150 |
| Thrice Happy Isles that stole the World’s Delight | 149 |
| The Indian Weed withered quite | 147 |
| Two Maiden Dames of Sixty-two | 148 |
| The Lazy Earth doth steam amain | 148 |
| Was this small Plant for thee | 147 |
| Weed of the Strange Power | 148 |
| When Happy quite and Cosy grown | 150 |
| When my Pipe burns bright and clear | 153 |
| Why should Life in sorrow be spent | 153 |
| When Nobs come oot to walk aboot | 154 |
| When Life was all a Summer Day | 156 |
| Who Scorns the Pipe? | 156 |
| When Strong Perfumes | 160 |
| Yes, Social Friend, I Love thee well | 158 |
| Political Parodies | |
| Anticipation. R. Tickell, 1778 | 315 |
| Kings’ and Queens’ Speeches to the Houses of Parliament | 316 |
| Punch’s Proclamation, 1878 | 318 |
| “Ads” of the Future | 318 |
| Limited Liability. Daily News | 319 |
| Political Manifestoes | 319 |
| Saunderson and Waring | 319 |
| The Hawarden Block Wood Company | 320 |
| Mr. W. E. Gladstone’s Last Will | 321 |
| Letters from Political Leaders | 321 |
| Prose Parodies. | |
| Addison (Joseph), Prefatory Paper, by | 207 |
| Acts of Parliament. On Evening Parties, and on Ladies’ Dress | 268 |
| Admiralty Reforms | 270 |
| Ainsworth (W. H.), Novels | 258 |
| Black, William, Parodies on his Novels | 259 |
| Blessington, Countess of, Parodies of | 259 |
| Boyle, Robert, Dean Swift’s Parody of | 261 |
| Braddon, Miss M. E., Dr. Marchmont’s Misery | 257 |
| Selina Sedilia, Bret Harte | 259 |
| Bret Harte, The Luck of Tory Camp | 242 |
| His Finger. Shotover Papers | 243 |
| Brontë, Charlotte. Miss Mix. Bret Harte | 259 |
| Broughton, Rhoda. Gone Wrong. F. C. Burnand | 259 |
| Bürger G. A. Baron Munchausen, & Imitations | 260 |
| Burnaby, Colonel F. The Ride to Khiva, F. C. Burnand | 259 |
| Burnett, Mrs. F. H. The Real Little Lord Fauntleroy | 255 |
| Carlyle, Thomas. Carlyle on Bloomerism | 211 |
| On the Tichborne Trial | 211 |
| On Mr. Gladstone’s Portrait | 212 |
| On the Parliamentary “Closure” | 213 |
| On People of the Present | 213 |
| On the Inventories | 213 |
| On “The Biglow Papers” | 214 |
| Carlyle Redivivus | 215 |
| On the Oxford Commemoration | 229 |
| The Irish Revolution, 1848 | 229 |
| Cervantes, Miguel, Parodies of Don Quixote | 259 |
| Chesterfield, Lord. Chesterfield Travestie, 1808 | 253 |
| Lady Chesterfield’s Letters to her daughter | 253 |
| Good manners, Punch | 253 |
| Churchill, Lord Randolph. The Standard’s varying estimate of him in 1885, 1888 & 1889 | 256 |
| Cœlebs in Search of a Wife, imitated | 259 |
| Collins, Wilkie, The Woman in Tights | 242 |
| No Title, Bret Harte | 242 |
| The Moonstone & Moonshine | 259 |
| Conway, Hugh. Much Darker Days | 259 |
| Hauled Back. 1885 | 259 |
| Day, Thomas. The New History of Sandford & Merton, F. C. Burnand | 259 |
| Defoe, Daniel. Imitations of Robinson Crusoe | 259 |
| De Quincey, Thomas. A Recent Confession of an Opium Eater | 253 |
| Dickens, Charles. Chronological List of his principal Works | 224 |
| Parodies from the World, 1879 | 215 |
| The Age of Lawn Tennis, Pastime | 216 |
| C. S. Calverley’s Examination Paper on “Pickwick” | 217 |
| Death of Mr. Pickwick | 218 |
| The Battle Won by the Wind | 218 |
| The Haunted Man. Bret Harte | 219 |
| Dombey & Sons, Finished | 221 |
| Hard Times, refinished. R. B. Brough | 223 |
| The Political Mrs. Gummidge. Punch | 224 |
| The Mudfog Association Papers | 228 |
| Sam Weller’s Adventures | 228 |
| List of Parodies & Imitations of Dickens’s Works | 225 |
| Plays founded upon Dickens’s Novels, | 226, 259 |
| Disraeli, Benjamin (Lord Beaconsfield), Lothaw | |
| Bret Harte | 238 |
| Codlingsby, W. M. Thackeray | 239 |
| Nihilism in Russia. The World | 239 |
| De Tankard. Puppet Show | 240 |
| Tancredi. Cuthbert Bede | 241 |
| Ben D’ymion. H. F. Lester | 241 |
| The Age of Lawn Tennis | 241 |
| A Key to Endymion | 242 |
| A Plagiarism, by B. Disraeli | 242 |
| A List of Minor Parodies | 259 |
| Dumas, Alexander. The Ninety-nine Guardsmen | 250 |
| Fielding, Henry. Imitations of Tom Jones | 259 |
| Forbes, Archibald. His egotistical style | 254 |
| Gore, Mrs. Mammon’s Marriage | 259 |
| Haggard, H. Rider, He, 1887 | 257 |
| “She” dramatised | 257 |
| She-that-ought-not-to-be-Played | 257 |
| Hee-Hee. Punch | 257 |
| Me, a Companion to She | 257 |
| King Solomon’s Wives | 257 |
| Hugo, Victor. Anticipations of the Derby, 1869 | 244 |
| One and Three. Punch | 247 |
| Thirty-one. C. H. Waring | 248 |
| Fantine. Bret Harte | 248 |
| Grinplaine. Walter Parke | 248 |
| Quel bonheur Marie? | 249 |
| The House that Victor built | 249 |
| The Spoiler of the Sea | 249 |
| The Cat | 249 |
| A Manifesto by Victor Hugo | 250 |
| Hume, Fergus W. Mystery of a Wheelbarrow | 259 |
| James, G. P. R. Parodies of | 260 |
| Dr. Johnson’s Ghost on “Drury Lane Theatre” | 208 |
| On Book binders, after “Rasselas” | 209 |
| Anonymous Journalism | 209 |
| Lexiphanes | 209 |
| Dinarbas | 209 |
| Labouchere, Henry, and Edmund Yates | 255 |
| Lamb, Charles. Our New Actors. The World | 233 |
| Lever, Charles, Parodies of | 260 |
| Lytton, Lord. Parodies of his Plays | 251 |
| The Diamond Death. Puppet Show | 251 |
| The Dweller of the Threshold. Bret Harte | 252 |
| On a Toasted Muffin. Cuthbert Bede | 253 |
| The Wrongful Heir. Walter Parke | 260 |
| Macaulay, T. B. The Quarterly Reviewer parodies him | 234 |
| A Page by Macaulay | 234 |
| A Bit of Whig his-Tory | 235 |
| The next Armada | 235 |
| The Age of Lawn-Tennis | 236 |
| The Story of Johnnie Armstrong | 236 |
| Marryat, Captain. Mr. Midshipman Breezy. Bret Harte | 243 |
| The Flying Dutchman. W. E. Aytoun | 232 |
| Menagérie, The. Burlesque Lecture by C. Collette | 269 |
| Menu. Ministerial Whitebait Dinner, 1878 | 261 |
| Menu, by Miss Louisa Alcorn | 262 |
| Menu. Capital Club Dinner, 1885 | 262 |
| Lady Morgan’s Wild Irish Girl | 254 |
| Munchausen, Baron. Ascribed to G. A. Burger | 260 |
| Imitations of | 260 |
| Office Rules | 268 |
| On Farming | 269 |
| “Ouida.” Moll Marine. Light Green | 231 |
| The Cambridgeshire Stakes | 231 |
| Strapmore. F. C. Burnand | 232 |
| Bluebottles. Judy | 232 |
| Blue-blooded Bertie. Walter Parke | 260 |
| Pepys, Samuel. Imitations of his Diary | 260 |
| Prescription for feelin’ bad | 262 |
| Programmes. Lords Mayor’s Show, 1884 | 262 |
| How they’ll open the Inventories | 263 |
| Lord Mayor’s Show, 1885 | 264 |
| Lord Mayor’s Show, 1886 | 264 |
| Play Bill by Rev. Rowland Hill | 265 |
| Prospectuses. Imperial Homeless Hotel Company | 266 |
| The Glenmutchkin Railway | 266 |
| The Gott-up Hotel Company | 266 |
| Horse Shoe Hotel Prospectus | 266 |
| Quill Toothpick Attachment Company | 267 |
| Reade, Charles. A Parody by F. C. Burnand | 260 |
| Regulations in the U.S. Navy | 269 |
| Reid, Captain Mayne. The Pale Faced Warriors | 244 |
| The Skull Hunters. Walter Parke | 244 |
| Richardson, Samuel. Joseph Andrews | 257 |
| Apology for Shamela Andrews | 257 |
| The History of Clorana, 1737 | 257 |
| John Ruskin. “That Little Brown-red Butterfly” | 229 |
| Mark Twain’s Parody | 230 |
| On all Fours Clavigera. Punch | 230 |
| On Toothpicks. Shotover Papers | 230 |
| Pre-Raffaelitism. Rev. E. Young, 1857 | 231 |
| Letter to Chesterfield | 258 |
| Letter lo the Richmond Baptists | 258 |
| On Usury, a Biblical Parody | 312 |
| Scott, Sir Walter. Parodies of his Novels | 260 |
| Sketchley, Arthur. Mrs. Brown at Cambridge | 237 |
| Smart, Hawley. What’s the Odds? F. C. Burnand | 260 |
| Smith, Horace. Whitehall, 1827 | 260 |
| Soyer, Alexis. Camp Cookery | 254 |
| The Art of Cookery | 254 |
| Military Cookery Book. Punch | 254 |
| Stephenson R. L., Parodies of | 260 |
| Sterne (Laurence). A Sentimental Journey | 209 |
| Affecting Appeal | 210 |
| The Citizen | 211 |
| Fragments in the manner of L. Sterne, and other Imitations | 211 |
| Sue Eugene. Sir Brown. Cuthbert Bede | 250 |
| Parodie du Juif Errant, and an English Translation | 250 |
| Swift, Jonathan. Parodies and Imitations | 261 |
| Thackeray, W. M. Parodies of his Novels | 261 |
| Trollope, Anthony. Parodies of his Novels | 261 |
| Walton, Izaak. The Complete (ly) done Angler | 251 |
| The Incompleat Angler | 251 |
| Walton’s Angler Imitated | 251 |
| Yates, Edmund. “Ba! Ba! Black Sheep” | 261 |
| Religious Parodies. | |
| No Parodies introduced which have a tendency to ridicule Religion | 288 |
| The Protestants Ave Mary, 1689 | 288 |
| A Parodie by George Herbert, 1633 | 289 |
| Luther’s Parody of the Psalms | 289 |
| William Hone’s Three Trials | 289 |
| John Wilkes’s Catechism | 289 |
| The Political Litany | 291 |
| The Sinecurist’s Creed | 293 |
| Parodies of the Litany | 294 |
| The Book Lover’s Litany | 297 |
| Parodies of the Creed of St. Athanasius | 298 |
| England’s Te Deum to George III | 301 |
| Parodies of the Catechism | 302 |
| Imitations of the Lord’s Prayer | 305 |
| Parodies of the X Commandments | 305 |
| Richard Carlile’s Parodies | 307 |
| Administration of Loaves and Fishes | 307 |
| Chronicles of the Kings of England | 309 |
| Imitations of Biblical Phraseology | 309 |
| Blackwood’s Chaldee Manuscript | 310 |
| The Bible of the Future | 310 |
| The Origin of Species. C. Neaves | 311 |
| The Positivists. Mortimer Collins | 311 |
| Bibliography of Scriptural Parodies | 312 |
| A Dean and a Prebendary | 314 |
| Parodies of Hymns | 314 |
| God Save the Queen | 315 |
| Alexander Pope. | |
| Ode for St. Cecilia’s Day | 176 |
| Ode to Toast-Master Toole. Punch, 1843 | 177 |
| Ode to Lessee Bunn, of Drury Lane | 177 |
| Bonnell Thornton’s Burlesque Ode | 178 |
| Mock Heroic Poems, Parodies or Imitations of the Dunciad and the Rape of the Lock | 179 |
| The Essay on Man. | |
| The Essay on Woman | 182 |
| Eloisa’s Epistle to Abelard. | |
| Eloisa en Déshabille | 182 |
| Elegy in an Empty Assembly Room | 183 |
| Les Amours d’Abélard et d’Eloise | 183 |
| The Rape of the Lock. | |
| The Rape of the Smock | 182 |
| The Rape of the Bucket | 183 |
| The Rape of the Cake | 185 |
| Lo! The Poor Indian, whose Untutor’d Mind | 183 |
| Lo! the poor Toper | 183 |
| Lo! the lean Indian | 183 |
| The Universal Prayer | 183 |
| Achilles Speech, a Parody of | 184 |
| As when the Moon. | |
| As when an Alderman | 184 |
| Pope’s Prologue to Addison’s “Cato,” Parody of | 185 |
| Pope’s Imitations of the early Poets | 186 |
| Dante Gabriel Rossetti. | |
| The Blooming Damozel | 26 |
| Sister Helen. | |
| Apple, and Orange, and Nectarine | 70 |
| O Mother Carey, Mother! | 70 |
| Mother Eve. Mabel Peacock | 70 |
| O, Weary Mother, Drive the Cows to Roost | 71 |
| A Twilight Fantasy | 71 |
| O, for a Brandy and Soda | 71 |
| Butter, and Eggs, and a Pound of Cheese. C. S. Calverley | 71 |
| Paper, and Pens, and a Bottle of Ink | 72 |
| Agriculture’s Latest Rôle. Punch | 72 |
| O, the Dinner was Fine to see. Truth | 72 |
| I would I were a Cigarette | 73 |
| Ah Night! Blind Germ of Days to be | 73 |
| A Goodly Balance is Fair to see | 73 |
| O, London Town | 74 |
| Cimabuella. Bayard Taylor | 74 |
| A Legend of Camelot. Punch | 75 |
| The Leaf | |
| Imitazione | 75 |
| De la tige détachée | 75 |
| Thou Poor Leaf. Lord Macaulay | 75 |
| Remember, by Miss Christina Rossetti | 76 |
| Remember it. Judy | 76 |
| Ding Dong. The Light Green | 76 |
| George R. Sims. | |
| Ostler Joe. (By Permission) | 35 |
| Teamster Jim. R. J. Burdette | 37 |
| “Ostler Joe” and Mrs. J. B. Potter | 37 |
| Hustler Jim | 37 |
| Billy’s Rose, (By Permission.) | 38 |
| Billy’s Nose. F. Rawkins | 39 |
| The Lifeboat. | |
| The Tricycle. Cassell’s Journal | 39 |
| The Terror of Tadger’s Rents | 40 |
| Another “Bagonet” Ballad | 40 |
| The Ballad Monger | 43 |
| Little Flo’. Truth | 43 |
| The Coster’s Plea | 44 |
| The Lights of London Town | 42 |
| Those Wights of London Town | 42 |
| The Lights o’ Ascot Heath | 42 |
| Sally | 44 |
| Christmas Day in the Beer House | 45 |
| A Coster’s Conversion | 45 |
| Slang, Cant, and Flash Songs. | |
| The House Breaker’s Song | 271 |
| Nix my Dolly, Pals, Fake away | 271 |
| Dear Bill, this Stone Jug | 271 |
| The Chick-a-Leary Cove | 272 |
| The Thieves’ Chaunt | 272 |
| Dartmoor is a tidy place | 272 |
| Joe quickly his sand had Sold | 272 |
| Millbank for thick shins | 272 |
| The Beggar’s Curse (1609) | 273 |
| Clear out—Look sharp | 273 |
| Frisky Moll’s Song | 273 |
| Ye Morts and ye Dells | 274 |
| Ode to the King of the Mendicants | 274 |
| Oath of the Canting Crew | 274 |
| Life and Death of the Darkman’s Budge | 274 |
| The Game of High Toby | 275 |
| The Double Cross | 275 |
| Flash Anecdote, and Translation | 275 |
| The Leary Man | 276 |
| Song of the Young Prig | 276 |
| Death of Socrates | 277 |
| ’Arry at a Political Picnic | 277 |
| Life in Gaol. The Chequers | 279 |
| The Twenty Craftsmen | 279 |
| Retoure my Dear Dell | 280 |
| The Pickpockets’ Chaunt | 280 |
| A Cant Handbill | 281 |
| W. H. Ainsworth on Slang and Cant | 281 |
| The Printer’s Epitaph | 282 |
| Books of Reference on Slang and Cant | 282 |
| Continental Books on “Argot,” or Slang | 285 |
| American and Colonial Slang | 285 |
| Algernon Charles Swinburne. | |
| Before the Beginning of Years | 1 |
| American Parody | 1 |
| Before the Beginning of Post | 1 |
| Now in the Railway Years | 2 |
| For Winter’s Rains and Ruins are Over | 2 |
| For Mayfair’s Balls and Ballets are over | 2 |
| Dolores and Poems and Ballads | 2 |
| When Waters are Rent with Commotion | 2 |
| Pain and Travel. Fun | 5 |
| Our Lady Champagne. Judy, | 6, 26 |
| Mosquitos Again. J. B. Stephens | 6 |
| Brandy and Soda. H. Howard | 7 |
| Our M.D. of Spain. Punch | 7 |
| Octopus. The Light Green | 8 |
| Procuratores. Shotover Papers | 8 |
| Oh, Vanished Benevolent Bobby | 8 |
| Oh, Nymph with the Nicest of Noses | 9 |
| O Blood-bitten Lip all Aflame | 16 |
| Stylites. Walter Parke | 18 |
| Thou Magpie and Stump | 22 |
| The Days of the Dunces are Over | 31 |
| All pale from the past we draw nigh thee | 33 |
| “Disgust,” a Parody of “Despair” | 22 |
| O Season supposed of all Free Flowers | 22 |
| I trow, Wild Friends. S. K. Cowan | 23 |
| Ah! Love, if Love lie still. J. M. Lowry | 23 |
| Also Thine Eyes were Mild | 23 |
| The God and the Damosel, 1879. The World | 23 |
| Soft is the Smell of it | 24 |
| I See the Sad Sorrow | 24 |
| A. C. Swinburne and Victor Hugo | 25 |
| The Pigmy and Portative Horner | 26 |
| I Sing of the Months | 27 |
| I am the Lady of Shalott | 27 |
| Strophes from a Song after Moonrise | 28 |
| Is not this the First Lord of Your Choice? | 31 |
| The Ballad of Burdens | 3 |
| A Burden of Foul Weathers | 3 |
| The Burden of Strange Seasons | 4 |
| The Burden of Long Fielding | 4 |
| The Burden of Hard Hitting | 5 |
| The Burden of Old Women | 5 |
| How Jack Harris became Æsthetic | 17 |
| The Lay of Macaroni. Bayard Taylor | 17 |
| To Ada I. Menken. The Tomahawk | 18 |
| Parody of A. C. S. by Mortimer Collins | 19 |
| “O Cool in the Summer is Salad.” | 19 |
| Between the Gate Post and the Gate | 21 |
| A Song after Sunset | 21 |
| Oh, April Showers | 21 |
| “The Heptalogia.” Nephelidia | 21 |
| Ballad of Dreamland. | |
| I hid my Head on a Rug from Moses | 17 |
| The Sorest stress of the Season’s over | 18 |
| She hid herself in the Soirée Kettle | 16 |
| A Century of Roundels | 25 |
| Far-fetched and dear bought | 25 |
| What Gain were mine | 25 |
| Magician of Song and of Sound | 25 |
| A Trio of Roundels | 26 |
| March. An Ode | 26 |
| Another Ode to March | 27 |
| The Commomweal | 29 |
| The Question | 29 |
| The Answer. The Daily News | 29 |
| The “Question” answered. Truth | 29 |
| A Match. | |
| “If Love were what the Rose is” | 9 |
| If You were Queen of Bloaters | 9 |
| If Life were never Bitter. M. Collins | 10 |
| If you were an Elector. E. Hamilton | 10 |
| If you were what your Nose is | 10 |
| If I were Big Nat Langham. Punch | 11 |
| I am your Dr. Jekyll | 11 |
| If it be but a Dream or a Vision | 16 |
| If I were Anglo-Saxon. Punch | 20 |
| If Love were dhudeen olden | 141 |
| The Interpreters | 11 |
| Parodies from The Weekly Dispatch | 12 |
| Imparadised by my Environment | 13 |
| Parody from The Family Herald | 13 |
| Home, Sweet Home, à la Swinburne | 13 |
| Short Space shall be Hereafter | 14 |
| Vaccine after Faustine | 14 |
| A Song after Sunset. Judy | 15 |
| The Mad, Mad Muse. R. J. Burdette | 15 |
| I have made me an End of the Moods | 16 |
| Clear the Way! | 30 |
| Rail Away! Punch | 30 |
| A Word for the Navy | 30 |
| A Word for the Poet | 30 |
| The Palace of Bric-à-Brac | 32 |
| Baby, see the flowers! | 32 |
| England, what of the fight? | 32 |
| Oh, thy swift, subtle, slanting, services | 32 |
| Mr. Swinburne’s prose writings, | 32, 205 |
| The Session of the Poets. R. Buchanan | 33 |
| Paddy Blake on Swinburne | 34 |
| An Utter Passion uttered Utterly. Kottabos | 81 |
| Lines on a Dead Dog. College Rhymes | 204 |
| The Song of Sir Palamede. H. G. Cone “With flow exhaustless of alliterate words.” | 205 |
| Martin Farquhar Tupper. | |
| Cuthbert Bede’s Parody | 89 |
| The Queen of Oude | 89 |
| Beer, that hath entered my head | 90 |
| Philosophy of Sausages | 90 |
| The Fall of Tupper | 90 |
| Going to the Wash | 90 |
| Tupper in the Clouds. Andrew Lang | 90 |
| The Welcome to the Princess Alexandra | 168 |
| Oscar Wilde. | |
| Biographical Memoranda | 78 |
| Sala on “Requiescat” | 78 |
| A Villanelle, after Oscar Wilde | 66 |
| There’s Oscar Wylde, that Gifted Chylde | 79 |
| What a Shame and what a Pity | 79 |
| Narcissus in Camden. The Century | 79 |
| Oscar Wilde and Walt Whitman | 79 |
| Oscar Interviewed. Punch | 80 |
| Sainte Margérie. An Imitation | 81 |
| Oh, fainting of Lilies with broken stem | 81 |
| Meseem’d that Love. Kottabos | 81 |
| Consummate Dish! full many an ancient Crack | 81 |
| Impressions, by Oscuro Wildegoose | 81 |
| A List of Parodies on O. W. | 82 |
| The Public House | 82 |
| Five-and-Seventy Maidens, free | 82 |
| A Barrel of Beer and a Glass of Gin hot | 83 |
| Sing hey! Potatoes and Paint. H. C. Waring | 83 |
| Matthew Arnold. The Forsaken Merman | 200 |
| The Saturday Review on Arnold’s poems | 200 |
| Parody by W. H. Mallock | 200 |
| Christmas Thoughts. The World | 201 |
| Bloomfield, Rob. The Bishop’s wish. Punch | 192 |
| The Pot Boy. C. Thirlwall | 192 |
| Samuel Butler. Parodies and Imitations of Hudibras | 259 |
| Calverley, C.S. On the River | 84 |
| Collins, Mortimer. The Birds | 19 |
| Oh, Summer said to Winter | 206 |
| Lady, very fair are you | 206 |
| Careless Rhymer, it is True | 206 |
| Comics History of England. In verse | 207 |
| Cornwall, Barry. The Omnibus | 322 |
| Country Quarter Session. Three or Four Parsons | 203 |
| Two or three facts | 203 |
| Two or three “dears” | 203 |
| Rev. G. Crabbe The Theatre. Rejected Addresses | 94 |
| Cross Readings | 287 |
| Cumulative Parodies | 270 |
| Dr. Erasmus Darwin. Now stood Eliza | 198 |
| Parody on above from Diogenes | 199 |
| The Loves of the Plants. The Loves of the Triangles | 199 |
| The Loves of the Lowlier Plants | 200 |
| Natural Selection. Founded on Darwin | 200 |
| Miss, I’ m a Pensive Protoplasm. S. Brooks | 200 |
| Parody Epitaph on Darwin | 200 |
| Aesthetic School, The | 69 |
| Fitzgerald, W. T. Britons to Arms! | 95 |
| Loyal Effusion. Rejected Addresses | 96 |
| Gay's “Beggar’s Opera. Parodies of songs in | 198 |
| George Barnwell. Parody, Rejected Addresses | 96 |
| “Sam,” by Shirley Brooks | 97 |
| Dr. Reginald Heber. From Greenland’s icy Mountains | 98 |
| From Cashmere’s icy Mountains | 98 |
| Address to Women Missionaries | 98 |
| From Chatham’s pleasant Mountains | 99 |
| Horace's Odes. | |
| Buttons you booby. Shirley Brooks | 197 |
| On the Commencement of Term | 197 |
| Thackeray’s Versions | 198 |
| November, 1858 | 198 |
| Railway Horace | 198 |
| Miss Jean Ingelow. The Apple-Woman’s Song | 195 |
| Calverley’s Parodies of above | 196 |
| Lovers, and a Reflection | 196 |
| The Shrimp Gatherers. Bayard Taylor | 196 |
| The Letter L. Daily News | 197 |
| I'm Colonel North of the Horse Marines, | |
| Financial News | 203 |
| Dr. Samuel Johnson. Ode to a Girl in the Temple, 1777 | 188 |
| Parody of Dr. Johnson’s “Prologue” for Drury Lane in 1847 | 188 |
| Last Arrival, The. G. W. Cable | 270 |
| Leigh, Henry S. The Twins | 100 |
| In the Strand. Judy | 100 |
| Lorne, Marquess of. Guido and Lita Parodied | 202 |
| Lost Chord, The. The Lost Chord. G. R. Sims | 45 |
| The Lost Shot. Corporal | 45 |
| The Legislative Organ | 128 |
| Lyttelton's Ode, & a Parody by Tobias Smollett | 187 |
| Macaronic Poems. The Death of the Sea Serpent | 327 |
| Mallet, David. William and Margaret | 91 |
| French and Latin Versions | 92 |
| Dr. Johnson’s Ghost | 92 |
| Giles Scroggin’s Ghost | 93 |
| A Polished Version of the same | 93 |
| Mock Heroic Poems, and Imitations of the Dunciad | 179 |
| Morris Lewis. The Imperial Institute Ode | 99 |
| The Ode as it ought to have been. Truth | 99 |
| Poet and Poetaster. The Star | 100 |
| William Morris. The Volsung Tale | 26 |
| Behold the Works of W. Morris | 76 |
| In the Cushioned Abbey Pew | 76 |
| All Sides of the River. Once a Week | 77 |
| The Monthly Parodies, after Morris’s “Earthly Paradise.” Gleeson White | 77 |
| Brief summary Novels | 202 |
| Oldest Classical Burlesque Battle of the Frogs and Mice | 328 |
| Patmore, Coventry. The Baby in the House. S. Brooks | 194 |
| The Spoons. Puppet Show Album | 195 |
| The Person of the House. Heptalogia | 229 |
| Poetical Criticism from the Athenæum | 229 |
| Pygmalion; or, the Statue Fair. Hornet | 326 |
| Rowe, Nicholas. Colin’s Complaint | 186 |
| Corydon Querens | 186 |
| A Parody by George Canning | 187 |
| Bow Bells. Henry S. Leigh | 187 |
| Scott, Clement W. The Women of Mumble’s Head. The Wreck of the steamship “Puffin” | 46 |
| A Tale of the 10th Hussars, and a Parody on it | 46 |
| The Garden of Sleep | 46 |
| Scott, Walter. Paddy Dunbar. (Young Lochinvar) | 161 |
| O’Shaughnessy, Arthur W. E. | |
| Blue Moonshine. F. G. Stokes | 83 |
| Frangipanni. Judy | 83 |
| On the River | 84 |
| Edmund Spenser List of works written in the Spenserian stanza. J. Bouchier | 189 |
| The Alley. Alexander Pope | 189 |
| The Holidayer. Funny Folks | 189 |
| Sterry J. Ashby. Georgy | 84 |
| The Muse in Manacles | 64 |
| Swift, Jonathan. The State Coach | 190 |
| The Happy Life of a Country Parson. A. Pope | 191 |
| The Logicians Refuted. O. Goldsmith | 191 |
| A New Simile. O. Goldsmith | 191 |
| Alfred Tennyson. King Arthur, growing very tired | 20 |
| The Cigar-Smokers | 142 |
| Nicotina. (Oriana) | 144 |
| The Weed. (The Brook) | 145 |
| “Vernon Avick.” Song on Sir W. Vernon Harcourt | 34 |
| Dr. Watts How Doth the Nasty Dirty Man | 138 |
| ’Twas the Voice of the Doctor | 138 |
| Henry Kirke White. It is not that my Lot is low | 188 |
| It is not that my “Place” was low | 188 |
| Wilson's Isle of Palms, imitated by James Brown | 192 |
Transcriber’s Note:
This book was written in a period when many words had not become standardized in their spelling. Words may have multiple spelling variations, inconsistent hyphenation, or non-standard use of apostrophes. These have been left unchanged unless indicated below.
This book was written during a time when many words weren't standardized in their spelling. Words might have different spelling variations, inconsistent hyphenation, or unusual use of apostrophes. These have been kept as they are unless noted below.
Obvious printing errors, such as backwards, upside down, unprinted or partially printed letters, were corrected. Final stops missing at the end of sentences and abbreviations were added. Duplicate letters at line endings or page breaks were removed. Numbers 11. and 12. were added to Les Commandements de la Presse.
Obvious printing errors, like letters that are backward, upside down, not printed at all, or partially printed, were fixed. Final stops that were missing at the end of sentences and abbreviations were added. Duplicate letters at line endings or page breaks were taken out. Numbers 11. and 12. were added to Les Commandements de la Presse.
Unprinted diacriticals were added to words in languages other than English. The use of quotation marks is not standard, and generally was not changed unless needed for clarity. Extraneous punctuation was deleted.
Unprinted diacriticals were added to words in languages other than English. The use of quotation marks is not standard and usually wasn't changed unless necessary for clarity. Unnecessary punctuation was removed.
The St. James’s Street ballad and its parody are presented in sequence, not side by side.
The St. James’s Street ballad and its parody are shown one after the other, not next to each other.
Spelling corrections:
Spelling corrections:
- shall the mandate he/be spoken
- first appeared in the colums/columns
- in lines of unequal lengths ocasionally/occasionally
- the/she sit down and weep,
- Michelstown’s/Mitchelstown’s murderous shot
- bicylist/bicyclist to his lamp:
- Dose schillen did ask it, dot schoolemaster/schoolmaster
- written by H. B. Farmie/Farnie
- Keats’s ‘Imitation of Spencer/Spenser
- And as, forsooth, such cates/cakes
- Swowflakes/Snowflakes white,
- friend of mine took notige/notice of
- shamless/shameless, unreasonable, treasonable
- man with hugh/huge bush of beard
- and on potatoe/potato cans
- sandy loams of Cambridshire/Cambridgeshire
- magnificently-dessicated/desiccated veins
- The formost/foremost wins!
- apophthegm/apothegm
- we shall now Retreive/Retrieve
- Luxurously/Luxuriously rolling in coaches
- Superviser/Supervisor the servant
- insufficent/insufficient to prevent it
- preface to the Pantomine/Pantomime
- copywright/copyright
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