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WIELAND; OR THE TRANSFORMATION
An American Tale
by Charles Brockden Brown
From Virtue's blissful paths away The double-tongued are sure to stray; Good is a forth-right journey still, And mazy paths but lead to ill.
Staying true to virtuous paths The two-faced will surely go astray; The right way is still a direct journey, While twisted paths only lead to trouble.
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The following Work is delivered to the world as the first of a series of performances, which the favorable reception of this will induce the Writer to publish. His purpose is neither selfish nor temporary, but aims at the illustration of some important branches of the moral constitution of man. Whether this tale will be classed with the ordinary or frivolous sources of amusement, or be ranked with the few productions whose usefulness secures to them a lasting reputation, the reader must be permitted to decide.
The following work is being shared with the world as the first in a series of performances, which the positive response to this will encourage the writer to publish. His goal is not self-serving or short-lived, but focuses on highlighting some important aspects of human morality. Whether this story will be seen as just another source of light entertainment or considered among the few works that are valuable enough to earn a lasting reputation is something the reader must determine.
The incidents related are extraordinary and rare. Some of them, perhaps, approach as nearly to the nature of miracles as can be done by that which is not truly miraculous. It is hoped that intelligent readers will not disapprove of the manner in which appearances are solved, but that the solution will be found to correspond with the known principles of human nature. The power which the principal person is said to possess can scarcely be denied to be real. It must be acknowledged to be extremely rare; but no fact, equally uncommon, is supported by the same strength of historical evidence.
The events described are remarkable and unusual. Some of them might even come close to what we consider miracles, without actually being miraculous. It’s hoped that thoughtful readers will understand how these situations are explained and that the explanations align with our understanding of human behavior. The abilities attributed to the main character are hard to deny as being real. They are certainly very rare, but no other equally uncommon fact has as strong a historical basis.
Some readers may think the conduct of the younger Wieland impossible. In support of its possibility the Writer must appeal to Physicians and to men conversant with the latent springs and occasional perversions of the human mind. It will not be objected that the instances of similar delusion are rare, because it is the business of moral painters to exhibit their subject in its most instructive and memorable forms. If history furnishes one parallel fact, it is a sufficient vindication of the Writer; but most readers will probably recollect an authentic case, remarkably similar to that of Wieland.
Some readers might find the actions of the younger Wieland impossible. To support its plausibility, the author needs to turn to doctors and people who understand the hidden drivers and occasional distortions of the human mind. No one should argue that examples of similar delusions are uncommon, because it's the job of moral writers to present their subjects in the most instructive and memorable ways. If history provides even one parallel fact, that's enough to defend the author; however, most readers will likely recall an authentic case that closely resembles that of Wieland.
It will be necessary to add, that this narrative is addressed, in an epistolary form, by the Lady whose story it contains, to a small number of friends, whose curiosity, with regard to it, had been greatly awakened. It may likewise be mentioned, that these events took place between the conclusion of the French and the beginning of the revolutionary war. The memoirs of Carwin, alluded to at the conclusion of the work, will be published or suppressed according to the reception which is given to the present attempt.
It should be noted that this story is written in a letter format by the woman whose story it is, addressed to a small group of friends who were very curious about it. It's also worth mentioning that these events happened between the end of the French War and the start of the Revolutionary War. The memoirs of Carwin, mentioned at the end of this work, will be published or kept from publication based on how this attempt is received.
C. B. B. September 3, 1798.
C. B. B. September 3, 1798.
CONTENTS
CONTENTS
Chapter I
I feel little reluctance in complying with your request. You know not fully the cause of my sorrows. You are a stranger to the depth of my distresses. Hence your efforts at consolation must necessarily fail. Yet the tale that I am going to tell is not intended as a claim upon your sympathy. In the midst of my despair, I do not disdain to contribute what little I can to the benefit of mankind. I acknowledge your right to be informed of the events that have lately happened in my family. Make what use of the tale you shall think proper. If it be communicated to the world, it will inculcate the duty of avoiding deceit. It will exemplify the force of early impressions, and show the immeasurable evils that flow from an erroneous or imperfect discipline.
I have little hesitation in agreeing to your request. You don't fully understand the reasons for my pain. You’re unaware of the depth of my troubles. So, your attempts to comfort me are bound to fall short. However, the story I’m about to share isn’t meant to ask for your sympathy. Even in my despair, I don’t hesitate to offer whatever small contribution I can to the good of humanity. I recognize your right to know what has recently occurred in my family. Feel free to use this story however you see fit. If it reaches others, it will teach the importance of avoiding deception. It will illustrate the power of early experiences and reveal the immense harm that can come from flawed or inadequate guidance.
My state is not destitute of tranquillity. The sentiment that dictates my feelings is not hope. Futurity has no power over my thoughts. To all that is to come I am perfectly indifferent. With regard to myself, I have nothing more to fear. Fate has done its worst. Henceforth, I am callous to misfortune.
My situation isn't completely lacking in peace. The feeling that guides my emotions isn't hope. The future doesn’t influence my thoughts. I’m completely indifferent to whatever is ahead. As for myself, I have nothing left to be afraid of. Fate has already dealt its worst. From now on, I’m numb to misfortune.
I address no supplication to the Deity. The power that governs the course of human affairs has chosen his path. The decree that ascertained the condition of my life, admits of no recal. No doubt it squares with the maxims of eternal equity. That is neither to be questioned nor denied by me. It suffices that the past is exempt from mutation. The storm that tore up our happiness, and changed into dreariness and desert the blooming scene of our existence, is lulled into grim repose; but not until the victim was transfixed and mangled; till every obstacle was dissipated by its rage; till every remnant of good was wrested from our grasp and exterminated.
I don’t make any requests to God. The force that controls human affairs has chosen its path. The decision that determined my life can’t be undone. It certainly aligns with the principles of justice. That’s something I neither question nor deny. It’s enough that the past can’t change. The storm that destroyed our happiness and turned the vibrant scene of our lives into bleakness and desolation has settled into a grim stillness; but not before the victim was left shattered and broken; before every obstacle was cleared away by its fury; before every trace of goodness was pulled from our hands and wiped out.
How will your wonder, and that of your companions, be excited by my story! Every sentiment will yield to your amazement. If my testimony were without corroborations, you would reject it as incredible. The experience of no human being can furnish a parallel: That I, beyond the rest of mankind, should be reserved for a destiny without alleviation, and without example! Listen to my narrative, and then say what it is that has made me deserve to be placed on this dreadful eminence, if, indeed, every faculty be not suspended in wonder that I am still alive, and am able to relate it. My father's ancestry was noble on the paternal side; but his mother was the daughter of a merchant. My grand-father was a younger brother, and a native of Saxony. He was placed, when he had reached the suitable age, at a German college. During the vacations, he employed himself in traversing the neighbouring territory. On one occasion it was his fortune to visit Hamburg. He formed an acquaintance with Leonard Weise, a merchant of that city, and was a frequent guest at his house. The merchant had an only daughter, for whom his guest speedily contracted an affection; and, in spite of parental menaces and prohibitions, he, in due season, became her husband.
How will your wonder, and that of your friends, be stirred by my story! Every feeling will give way to your amazement. If my account were without proof, you would dismiss it as unbelievable. No one else’s experience can compare: That I, unlike everyone else, should be destined for a fate that is both relentless and unique! Listen to my story, and then tell me what has made me worthy of this terrible position, if, indeed, every sense isn’t frozen in disbelief that I am still alive and able to share it. My father's family was noble on his side; but his mother was the daughter of a merchant. My grandfather was a younger brother and originally from Saxony. He was sent, when he was old enough, to a German college. During the breaks, he would wander the nearby regions. One time, he had the fortune to visit Hamburg. He became acquainted with Leonard Weise, a merchant from that city, and was a regular guest at his home. The merchant had an only daughter, whom my grandfather quickly fell in love with; and despite parental threats and objections, he eventually became her husband.
By this act he mortally offended his relations. Thenceforward he was entirely disowned and rejected by them. They refused to contribute any thing to his support. All intercourse ceased, and he received from them merely that treatment to which an absolute stranger, or detested enemy, would be entitled.
By doing this, he seriously angered his family. From that point on, they completely disowned and rejected him. They refused to help him in any way. All communication stopped, and he received from them only the kind of treatment that a total stranger or hated enemy would get.
He found an asylum in the house of his new father, whose temper was kind, and whose pride was flattered by this alliance. The nobility of his birth was put in the balance against his poverty. Weise conceived himself, on the whole, to have acted with the highest discretion, in thus disposing of his child. My grand-father found it incumbent on him to search out some mode of independent subsistence. His youth had been eagerly devoted to literature and music. These had hitherto been cultivated merely as sources of amusement. They were now converted into the means of gain. At this period there were few works of taste in the Saxon dialect. My ancestor may be considered as the founder of the German Theatre. The modern poet of the same name is sprung from the same family, and, perhaps, surpasses but little, in the fruitfulness of his invention, or the soundness of his taste, the elder Wieland. His life was spent in the composition of sonatas and dramatic pieces. They were not unpopular, but merely afforded him a scanty subsistence. He died in the bloom of his life, and was quickly followed to the grave by his wife. Their only child was taken under the protection of the merchant. At an early age he was apprenticed to a London trader, and passed seven years of mercantile servitude.
He found refuge in the home of his new father, who had a kind temperament and was pleased with this union. His noble birth was weighed against his poverty. Weise believed he had acted wisely by arranging this for his child. My grandfather felt it was necessary to find a way to support himself independently. He had spent his youth passionately devoted to literature and music. Until now, these pursuits had only been sources of entertainment. They were now turned into a means of making a living. At that time, there were few quality works in the Saxon dialect. My ancestor can be seen as the founder of German theater. The modern poet of the same name comes from the same family and perhaps only slightly surpasses the elder Wieland in creativity or taste. He spent his life writing sonatas and plays. They weren't unpopular, but they barely provided him with enough to live on. He died in the prime of his life, soon followed by his wife. Their only child was taken in by the merchant. At a young age, he was apprenticed to a trader in London and spent seven years in mercantile service.
My father was not fortunate in the character of him under whose care he was now placed. He was treated with rigor, and full employment was provided for every hour of his time. His duties were laborious and mechanical. He had been educated with a view to this profession, and, therefore, was not tormented with unsatisfied desires. He did not hold his present occupations in abhorrence, because they withheld him from paths more flowery and more smooth, but he found in unintermitted labour, and in the sternness of his master, sufficient occasions for discontent. No opportunities of recreation were allowed him. He spent all his time pent up in a gloomy apartment, or traversing narrow and crowded streets. His food was coarse, and his lodging humble. His heart gradually contracted a habit of morose and gloomy reflection. He could not accurately define what was wanting to his happiness. He was not tortured by comparisons drawn between his own situation and that of others. His state was such as suited his age and his views as to fortune. He did not imagine himself treated with extraordinary or unjustifiable rigor. In this respect he supposed the condition of others, bound like himself to mercantile service, to resemble his own; yet every engagement was irksome, and every hour tedious in its lapse.
My father wasn’t lucky in the situation he was in. He was treated harshly, and every hour of his time was filled with work. His tasks were exhausting and repetitive. He had been educated for this profession, so he wasn’t tormented by unfulfilled desires. He didn’t hate his current job for keeping him from easier and more pleasant paths, but he found enough reasons for discontent in the endless labor and in his master's sternness. He wasn't allowed any breaks. He spent all his time stuck in a dark room or wandering through narrow, crowded streets. His food was plain, and his living conditions were modest. Over time, he developed a tendency towards gloomy and melancholic thoughts. He couldn’t clearly identify what was missing for his happiness. He wasn’t tormented by comparing himself to others. His situation was suitable for his age and expectations about fortune. He didn’t think he was being treated with extraordinary or unfair harshness. In this respect, he believed the conditions for others, also bound to mercantile work, were similar to his own; yet every task felt burdensome, and each hour dragged on painfully.
In this state of mind he chanced to light upon a book written by one of the teachers of the Albigenses, or French Protestants. He entertained no relish for books, and was wholly unconscious of any power they possessed to delight or instruct. This volume had lain for years in a corner of his garret, half buried in dust and rubbish. He had marked it as it lay; had thrown it, as his occasions required, from one spot to another; but had felt no inclination to examine its contents, or even to inquire what was the subject of which it treated.
In this state of mind, he happened upon a book written by one of the teachers of the Albigenses, or French Protestants. He had no interest in books and was completely unaware of any ability they had to entertain or educate. This book had been sitting for years in a corner of his attic, half covered in dust and debris. He had moved it around as needed, but he had never felt like looking at its contents or even asking what it was about.
One Sunday afternoon, being induced to retire for a few minutes to his garret, his eye was attracted by a page of this book, which, by some accident, had been opened and placed full in his view. He was seated on the edge of his bed, and was employed in repairing a rent in some part of his clothes. His eyes were not confined to his work, but occasionally wandering, lighted at length upon the page. The words "Seek and ye shall find," were those that first offered themselves to his notice. His curiosity was roused by these so far as to prompt him to proceed. As soon as he finished his work, he took up the book and turned to the first page. The further he read, the more inducement he found to continue, and he regretted the decline of the light which obliged him for the present to close it.
One Sunday afternoon, after being encouraged to take a few minutes in his attic, his eye caught a page of this book, which had accidentally been opened and placed right in front of him. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, working on repairing a tear in his clothes. His eyes weren't just focused on his task; they occasionally drifted until they finally landed on the page. The words "Seek and ye shall find" were the first to catch his attention. This piqued his curiosity enough to make him want to keep going. Once he finished his work, he picked up the book and flipped to the first page. The more he read, the more he felt compelled to continue, and he regretted the fading light that forced him to put it down for now.
The book contained an exposition of the doctrine of the sect of Camissards, and an historical account of its origin. His mind was in a state peculiarly fitted for the reception of devotional sentiments. The craving which had haunted him was now supplied with an object. His mind was at no loss for a theme of meditation. On days of business, he rose at the dawn, and retired to his chamber not till late at night. He now supplied himself with candles, and employed his nocturnal and Sunday hours in studying this book. It, of course, abounded with allusions to the Bible. All its conclusions were deduced from the sacred text. This was the fountain, beyond which it was unnecessary to trace the stream of religious truth; but it was his duty to trace it thus far.
The book included an explanation of the beliefs of the Camissards and a historical overview of its origins. His mind was in a state that was especially receptive to spiritual ideas. The longing that had been troubling him was now focused on something concrete. He had plenty to think about. On workdays, he woke up at dawn and didn’t go to bed until late at night. He started using candles and spent his evenings and Sundays studying this book. Naturally, it was full of references to the Bible. All its conclusions were drawn from the sacred text. This was the source from which it was unnecessary to trace the flow of religious truth further; however, it was his responsibility to trace it this far.
A Bible was easily procured, and he ardently entered on the study of it. His understanding had received a particular direction. All his reveries were fashioned in the same mould. His progress towards the formation of his creed was rapid. Every fact and sentiment in this book were viewed through a medium which the writings of the Camissard apostle had suggested. His constructions of the text were hasty, and formed on a narrow scale. Every thing was viewed in a disconnected position. One action and one precept were not employed to illustrate and restrict the meaning of another. Hence arose a thousand scruples to which he had hitherto been a stranger. He was alternately agitated by fear and by ecstacy. He imagined himself beset by the snares of a spiritual foe, and that his security lay in ceaseless watchfulness and prayer.
A Bible was easy to get, and he eagerly started studying it. His understanding had taken a specific direction. All his thoughts were shaped in the same way. He was quickly making progress towards forming his beliefs. Every fact and sentiment in this book was seen through a lens suggested by the writings of the Camissard apostle. His interpretations of the text were rushed and limited. Everything was viewed in isolation. One action and one teaching weren’t used to illustrate or limit the meaning of another. This led to a thousand doubts he hadn't faced before. He was alternately stirred by fear and ecstasy. He imagined himself surrounded by the traps of a spiritual enemy, believing that his safety depended on constant vigilance and prayer.
His morals, which had never been loose, were now modelled by a stricter standard. The empire of religious duty extended itself to his looks, gestures, and phrases. All levities of speech, and negligences of behaviour, were proscribed. His air was mournful and contemplative. He laboured to keep alive a sentiment of fear, and a belief of the awe-creating presence of the Deity. Ideas foreign to this were sedulously excluded. To suffer their intrusion was a crime against the Divine Majesty inexpiable but by days and weeks of the keenest agonies.
His morals, which had always been strong, were now shaped by an even stricter standard. The influence of religious duty extended to his appearance, gestures, and words. Any casual speech or careless behavior was forbidden. He had a sad and thoughtful demeanor. He worked to maintain a sense of fear and a belief in the awe-inspiring presence of God. Ideas that didn’t align with this were carefully kept out. Allowing them to intrude was a serious offense against the Divine Majesty that could only be atoned for by enduring days and weeks of intense suffering.
No material variation had occurred in the lapse of two years. Every day confirmed him in his present modes of thinking and acting. It was to be expected that the tide of his emotions would sometimes recede, that intervals of despondency and doubt would occur; but these gradually were more rare, and of shorter duration; and he, at last, arrived at a state considerably uniform in this respect.
No significant change had happened over the past two years. Every day reinforced his current way of thinking and acting. It was expected that his emotions would sometimes ebb, and he would experience moments of sadness and uncertainty; however, these became less frequent and shorter over time. Eventually, he reached a state that was fairly consistent in this regard.
His apprenticeship was now almost expired. On his arrival of age he became entitled, by the will of my grand-father, to a small sum. This sum would hardly suffice to set him afloat as a trader in his present situation, and he had nothing to expect from the generosity of his master. Residence in England had, besides, become almost impossible, on account of his religious tenets. In addition to these motives for seeking a new habitation, there was another of the most imperious and irresistable necessity. He had imbibed an opinion that it was his duty to disseminate the truths of the gospel among the unbelieving nations. He was terrified at first by the perils and hardships to which the life of a missionary is exposed. This cowardice made him diligent in the invention of objections and excuses; but he found it impossible wholly to shake off the belief that such was the injunction of his duty. The belief, after every new conflict with his passions, acquired new strength; and, at length, he formed a resolution of complying with what he deemed the will of heaven.
His apprenticeship was almost over. When he turned of age, he was entitled, according to my grandfather's will, to a small sum of money. This amount would barely be enough to get him started as a trader in his current situation, and he had nothing to hope for from his master's generosity. Living in England had also become nearly impossible due to his religious beliefs. Along with these reasons for looking for a new place to live, there was another urgent and compelling reason. He had come to believe it was his duty to spread the truths of the gospel to the nonbelieving nations. At first, he was frightened by the dangers and hardships that come with being a missionary. This fear made him come up with various objections and excuses, but he found it impossible to completely shake off the conviction that this was his duty. This belief grew stronger after each struggle with his desires, and eventually, he resolved to follow what he believed was the will of heaven.
The North-American Indians naturally presented themselves as the first objects for this species of benevolence. As soon as his servitude expired, he converted his little fortune into money, and embarked for Philadelphia. Here his fears were revived, and a nearer survey of savage manners once more shook his resolution. For a while he relinquished his purpose, and purchasing a farm on Schuylkill, within a few miles of the city, set himself down to the cultivation of it. The cheapness of land, and the service of African slaves, which were then in general use, gave him who was poor in Europe all the advantages of wealth. He passed fourteen years in a thrifty and laborious manner. In this time new objects, new employments, and new associates appeared to have nearly obliterated the devout impressions of his youth. He now became acquainted with a woman of a meek and quiet disposition, and of slender acquirements like himself. He proffered his hand and was accepted.
The North American Indians naturally became the first focus of his goodwill. Once his time in servitude was over, he turned his small fortune into cash and headed to Philadelphia. Here, his fears resurfaced, and a closer look at the wild ways of the locals once again shook his determination. For a while, he abandoned his plans and bought a farm on the Schuylkill River, just a few miles from the city, where he settled down to farm. The low cost of land and the availability of African slaves, which were commonly used at the time, gave someone poor from Europe like him all the perks of wealth. He spent fourteen years working hard and saving. During this time, new interests, jobs, and friends seemed to erase the religious impressions of his youth. He then met a woman who was gentle and quiet, with limited education like his own. He proposed, and she accepted.
His previous industry had now enabled him to dispense with personal labour, and direct attention to his own concerns. He enjoyed leisure, and was visited afresh by devotional contemplation. The reading of the scriptures, and other religious books, became once more his favorite employment. His ancient belief relative to the conversion of the savage tribes, was revived with uncommon energy. To the former obstacles were now added the pleadings of parental and conjugal love. The struggle was long and vehement; but his sense of duty would not be stifled or enfeebled, and finally triumphed over every impediment.
His previous industry had now allowed him to stop working personally and focus on his own matters. He enjoyed his free time and was once again filled with spiritual reflection. Reading the scriptures and other religious texts became his favorite activity again. His old belief about converting the savage tribes was reignited with remarkable intensity. Along with the previous challenges, he now faced the emotional appeals of parental and marital love. The struggle was lengthy and intense; however, his sense of duty couldn't be suppressed or weakened, and ultimately overcame every obstacle.
His efforts were attended with no permanent success. His exhortations had sometimes a temporary power, but more frequently were repelled with insult and derision. In pursuit of this object he encountered the most imminent perils, and underwent incredible fatigues, hunger, sickness, and solitude. The licence of savage passion, and the artifices of his depraved countrymen, all opposed themselves to his progress. His courage did not forsake him till there appeared no reasonable ground to hope for success. He desisted not till his heart was relieved from the supposed obligation to persevere. With his constitution somewhat decayed, he at length returned to his family. An interval of tranquillity succeeded. He was frugal, regular, and strict in the performance of domestic duties. He allied himself with no sect, because he perfectly agreed with none. Social worship is that by which they are all distinguished; but this article found no place in his creed. He rigidly interpreted that precept which enjoins us, when we worship, to retire into solitude, and shut out every species of society. According to him devotion was not only a silent office, but must be performed alone. An hour at noon, and an hour at midnight were thus appropriated.
His efforts didn't lead to any lasting success. Sometimes his encouragement had a temporary impact, but more often than not, it was met with insults and mockery. In pursuing this goal, he faced serious dangers and endured tremendous fatigue, hunger, illness, and loneliness. The chaos of wild passions and the tricks of his corrupt fellow countrymen all stood in his way. His courage didn't leave him until there seemed to be no reasonable hope for success. He didn’t stop until he felt relieved from the obligation to keep going. With his health somewhat deteriorated, he finally returned to his family. A period of calm followed. He was economical, orderly, and strict about fulfilling his home responsibilities. He didn’t join any group because he didn't fully agree with any of them. Social worship is what distinguishes them all; however, this aspect had no place in his beliefs. He interpreted the teaching that instructs us to worship in solitude and to shut out all forms of society very strictly. For him, devotion was not just a quiet practice, but it had to be done alone. He set aside an hour at noon and an hour at midnight for this purpose.
At the distance of three hundred yards from his house, on the top of a rock whose sides were steep, rugged, and encumbered with dwarf cedars and stony asperities, he built what to a common eye would have seemed a summer-house. The eastern verge of this precipice was sixty feet above the river which flowed at its foot. The view before it consisted of a transparent current, fluctuating and rippling in a rocky channel, and bounded by a rising scene of cornfields and orchards. The edifice was slight and airy. It was no more than a circular area, twelve feet in diameter, whose flooring was the rock, cleared of moss and shrubs, and exactly levelled, edged by twelve Tuscan columns, and covered by an undulating dome. My father furnished the dimensions and outlines, but allowed the artist whom he employed to complete the structure on his own plan. It was without seat, table, or ornament of any kind.
Three hundred yards from his house, on top of a steep, rugged rock covered with small cedars and rocky outcrops, he built what would look like a summer house to most people. The eastern edge of this cliff stood sixty feet above the river flowing below. The view showcased a clear stream, flowing and rippling through a rocky bed, bordered by rising cornfields and orchards. The structure was light and airy, just a circular area twelve feet across, with a floor made of the rock that was cleared of moss and bushes and perfectly level. It was surrounded by twelve Tuscan columns and topped with a curved dome. My father provided the dimensions and outline but let the artist he hired finish the design as he saw fit. There were no seats, tables, or decorations of any kind.
This was the temple of his Deity. Twice in twenty-four hours he repaired hither, unaccompanied by any human being. Nothing but physical inability to move was allowed to obstruct or postpone this visit. He did not exact from his family compliance with his example. Few men, equally sincere in their faith, were as sparing in their censures and restrictions, with respect to the conduct of others, as my father. The character of my mother was no less devout; but her education had habituated her to a different mode of worship. The loneliness of their dwelling prevented her from joining any established congregation; but she was punctual in the offices of prayer, and in the performance of hymns to her Saviour, after the manner of the disciples of Zinzendorf. My father refused to interfere in her arrangements. His own system was embraced not, accurately speaking, because it was the best, but because it had been expressly prescribed to him. Other modes, if practised by other persons, might be equally acceptable.
This was the temple of his deity. Twice every 24 hours, he came here alone. The only thing that could stop him from visiting was physical inability. He didn't expect his family to follow his example. Few people as sincere in their faith were as lenient in their judgments and restrictions regarding others as my father. My mother was equally devout, but her upbringing led her to worship in a different way. The isolation of their home made it impossible for her to join any established congregation, but she was consistent in her prayers and in singing hymns to her Savior, similar to the disciples of Zinzendorf. My father didn’t interfere with her practices. He followed his own methods not necessarily because they were the best, but because they had been specifically prescribed to him. Other ways, if practiced by others, could also be just as acceptable.
His deportment to others was full of charity and mildness. A sadness perpetually overspread his features, but was unmingled with sternness or discontent. The tones of his voice, his gestures, his steps were all in tranquil unison. His conduct was characterised by a certain forbearance and humility, which secured the esteem of those to whom his tenets were most obnoxious. They might call him a fanatic and a dreamer, but they could not deny their veneration to his invincible candour and invariable integrity. His own belief of rectitude was the foundation of his happiness. This, however, was destined to find an end.
His demeanor towards others was full of kindness and gentleness. A sadness always covered his features, but it was free from harshness or discontent. The tone of his voice, his gestures, and his steps were all in calm harmony. His behavior was marked by a certain patience and humility, which earned the respect of those who found his beliefs most troubling. They might label him a fanatic or a dreamer, but they couldn't deny their admiration for his unwavering honesty and consistent integrity. His own belief in doing what was right was the basis of his happiness. However, this was bound to come to an end.
Suddenly the sadness that constantly attended him was deepened. Sighs, and even tears, sometimes escaped him. To the expostulations of his wife he seldom answered any thing. When he designed to be communicative, he hinted that his peace of mind was flown, in consequence of deviation from his duty. A command had been laid upon him, which he had delayed to perform. He felt as if a certain period of hesitation and reluctance had been allowed him, but that this period was passed. He was no longer permitted to obey. The duty assigned to him was transferred, in consequence of his disobedience, to another, and all that remained was to endure the penalty.
Suddenly, the sadness that constantly surrounded him grew deeper. Sighs, and sometimes even tears, would escape him. He rarely responded to his wife's protests. When he intended to share his feelings, he would suggest that his peace of mind was gone because he had strayed from his duties. He had been given a task, which he had postponed. It felt like he had been allowed a certain amount of hesitation and reluctance, but that time was over. He was no longer allowed to carry out the task. The responsibility he was assigned was passed on to someone else due to his disobedience, and all that was left was to face the consequences.
He did not describe this penalty. It appeared to be nothing more for some time than a sense of wrong. This was sufficiently acute, and was aggravated by the belief that his offence was incapable of expiation. No one could contemplate the agonies which he seemed to suffer without the deepest compassion. Time, instead of lightening the burthen, appeared to add to it. At length he hinted to his wife, that his end was near. His imagination did not prefigure the mode or the time of his decease, but was fraught with an incurable persuasion that his death was at hand. He was likewise haunted by the belief that the kind of death that awaited him was strange and terrible. His anticipations were thus far vague and indefinite; but they sufficed to poison every moment of his being, and devote him to ceaseless anguish.
He didn't explain this punishment. For a long time, it seemed to be nothing more than a feeling of wrongdoing. This feeling was intense and was worsened by the belief that his offense could never be forgiven. No one could watch the pain he seemed to endure without feeling deep sympathy. Instead of easing his burden, time seemed to make it heavier. Eventually, he suggested to his wife that his end was approaching. He couldn't imagine how or when he would die, but he was firmly convinced that death was close. He was also troubled by the thought that the way he would die would be unusual and frightening. His expectations were vague and unclear, but they were enough to spoil every moment of his life, leaving him in constant distress.
Chapter II
Early in the morning of a sultry day in August, he left Mettingen, to go to the city. He had seldom passed a day from home since his return from the shores of the Ohio. Some urgent engagements at this time existed, which would not admit of further delay. He returned in the evening, but appeared to be greatly oppressed with fatigue. His silence and dejection were likewise in a more than ordinary degree conspicuous. My mother's brother, whose profession was that of a surgeon, chanced to spend this night at our house. It was from him that I have frequently received an exact account of the mournful catastrophe that followed.
Early on a hot August morning, he left Mettingen to head to the city. Since returning from the Ohio River, he had rarely spent a day away from home. He had some urgent matters that couldn’t wait any longer. He came back in the evening, clearly exhausted. His silence and sadness were more noticeable than usual. My uncle, who was a surgeon, happened to stay at our house that night. It was from him that I often got a detailed account of the tragic events that followed.
As the evening advanced, my father's inquietudes increased. He sat with his family as usual, but took no part in their conversation. He appeared fully engrossed by his own reflections. Occasionally his countenance exhibited tokens of alarm; he gazed stedfastly and wildly at the ceiling; and the exertions of his companions were scarcely sufficient to interrupt his reverie. On recovering from these fits, he expressed no surprize; but pressing his hand to his head, complained, in a tremulous and terrified tone, that his brain was scorched to cinders. He would then betray marks of insupportable anxiety.
As the evening went on, my father's worries grew. He sat with his family like usual, but didn't join in their conversation. He seemed completely lost in his own thoughts. Sometimes, his face showed signs of fear; he stared intensely and wildly at the ceiling, and his family’s efforts weren’t enough to break his concentration. When he came back from these moments, he showed no surprise; instead, he pressed his hand to his head and complained in a shaky and scared voice that his brain felt burned to ashes. He would then show signs of unbearable anxiety.
My uncle perceived, by his pulse, that he was indisposed, but in no alarming degree, and ascribed appearances chiefly to the workings of his mind. He exhorted him to recollection and composure, but in vain. At the hour of repose he readily retired to his chamber. At the persuasion of my mother he even undressed and went to bed. Nothing could abate his restlessness. He checked her tender expostulations with some sternness. "Be silent," said he, "for that which I feel there is but one cure, and that will shortly come. You can help me nothing. Look to your own condition, and pray to God to strengthen you under the calamities that await you." "What am I to fear?" she answered. "What terrible disaster is it that you think of?" "Peace—as yet I know it not myself, but come it will, and shortly." She repeated her inquiries and doubts; but he suddenly put an end to the discourse, by a stern command to be silent.
My uncle sensed, by his pulse, that he wasn’t feeling well, but it wasn’t serious, and he mostly attributed it to his state of mind. He urged him to calm down and think clearly, but it didn’t help. When it was time to rest, he went to his room without hesitation. At my mother’s insistence, he even got undressed and went to bed. Nothing could ease his restlessness. He responded to her gentle protests with some harshness. “Be quiet,” he said, “because there’s only one cure for what I’m feeling, and it’s coming soon. You can’t help me. Focus on your own situation and pray to God to give you strength for the challenges ahead.” “What should I be afraid of?” she replied. “What terrible disaster do you think is coming?” “Peace — I don’t know it myself yet, but it will come, and soon.” She kept asking her questions and expressing her doubts, but he abruptly ended the conversation with a firm command to be silent.
She had never before known him in this mood. Hitherto all was benign in his deportment. Her heart was pierced with sorrow at the contemplation of this change. She was utterly unable to account for it, or to figure to herself the species of disaster that was menaced.
She had never seen him like this before. Until now, he had always been kind in his behavior. Her heart ached at the thought of this change. She couldn't understand it at all, nor could she imagine what kind of disaster was looming.
Contrary to custom, the lamp, instead of being placed on the hearth, was left upon the table. Over it against the wall there hung a small clock, so contrived as to strike a very hard stroke at the end of every sixth hour. That which was now approaching was the signal for retiring to the fane at which he addressed his devotions. Long habit had occasioned him to be always awake at this hour, and the toll was instantly obeyed.
Unlike usual practice, the lamp was left on the table instead of being placed on the hearth. A small clock hung against the wall above it, designed to chime a loud tone at the end of every sixth hour. What was coming up now was the signal for him to go to the temple where he performed his prayers. He had become so accustomed to being awake at this hour that he immediately responded to the chime.
Now frequent and anxious glances were cast at the clock. Not a single movement of the index appeared to escape his notice. As the hour verged towards twelve his anxiety visibly augmented. The trepidations of my mother kept pace with those of her husband; but she was intimidated into silence. All that was left to her was to watch every change of his features, and give vent to her sympathy in tears.
Now frequent and anxious looks were directed at the clock. Not a single tick seemed to escape his attention. As the hour approached twelve, his anxiety clearly increased. My mother's worries matched her husband's; however, she was too intimidated to speak. All she could do was watch every change in his expression and let her sympathy show through her tears.
At length the hour was spent, and the clock tolled. The sound appeared to communicate a shock to every part of my father's frame. He rose immediately, and threw over himself a loose gown. Even this office was performed with difficulty, for his joints trembled, and his teeth chattered with dismay. At this hour his duty called him to the rock, and my mother naturally concluded that it was thither he intended to repair. Yet these incidents were so uncommon, as to fill her with astonishment and foreboding. She saw him leave the room, and heard his steps as they hastily descended the stairs. She half resolved to rise and pursue him, but the wildness of the scheme quickly suggested itself. He was going to a place whither no power on earth could induce him to suffer an attendant.
At last, the hour passed, and the clock chimed. The sound seemed to send a jolt through every part of my father's body. He got up right away and put on a loose robe. Even this simple task was hard for him, as his joints shook and his teeth chattered with anxiety. At this hour, his duty called him to the rock, and my mother understandably thought that was where he was headed. However, these events were so unusual that they filled her with surprise and dread. She watched him leave the room and heard his hurried footsteps as he raced down the stairs. She nearly decided to get up and follow him, but the wildness of the idea quickly crossed her mind. He was going to a place where no force on earth could make him allow someone to accompany him.
The window of her chamber looked toward the rock. The atmosphere was clear and calm, but the edifice could not be discovered at that distance through the dusk. My mother's anxiety would not allow her to remain where she was. She rose, and seated herself at the window. She strained her sight to get a view of the dome, and of the path that led to it. The first painted itself with sufficient distinctness on her fancy, but was undistinguishable by the eye from the rocky mass on which it was erected. The second could be imperfectly seen; but her husband had already passed, or had taken a different direction.
The window of her room faced the rock. The sky was clear and calm, but the building was too far away to be seen in the dim light. My mother's anxiety wouldn't let her stay where she was. She got up and sat by the window. She strained to see the dome and the path that led to it. The first was clear enough in her mind, but it blended into the rocky mass it was built on, making it hard to see. The path was only partially visible; however, her husband had either already gone by or had taken a different route.
What was it that she feared? Some disaster impended over her husband or herself. He had predicted evils, but professed himself ignorant of what nature they were. When were they to come? Was this night, or this hour to witness the accomplishment? She was tortured with impatience, and uncertainty. All her fears were at present linked to his person, and she gazed at the clock, with nearly as much eagerness as my father had done, in expectation of the next hour.
What was she so afraid of? Was some disaster looming over her husband or herself? He had foreseen trouble but claimed he didn’t know what kind it would be. When would it happen? Was it this night, or this hour that would bring it to pass? She was overwhelmed with impatience and uncertainty. All her fears were connected to him, and she watched the clock with almost as much eagerness as my father had, waiting for the next hour.
An half hour passed away in this state of suspence. Her eyes were fixed upon the rock; suddenly it was illuminated. A light proceeding from the edifice, made every part of the scene visible. A gleam diffused itself over the intermediate space, and instantly a loud report, like the explosion of a mine, followed. She uttered an involuntary shriek, but the new sounds that greeted her ear, quickly conquered her surprise. They were piercing shrieks, and uttered without intermission. The gleams which had diffused themselves far and wide were in a moment withdrawn, but the interior of the edifice was filled with rays.
Half an hour passed in this state of suspense. Her eyes were fixed on the rock; suddenly, it lit up. A light coming from the building made every part of the scene visible. A glow spread across the space in between, and instantly a loud bang, like the explosion of a mine, followed. She let out an involuntary scream, but the new sounds that reached her ears quickly overcame her shock. They were piercing screams, continuous and unbroken. The lights that had spread far and wide were suddenly gone, but the inside of the building was filled with rays.
The first suggestion was that a pistol was discharged, and that the structure was on fire. She did not allow herself time to meditate a second thought, but rushed into the entry and knocked loudly at the door of her brother's chamber. My uncle had been previously roused by the noise, and instantly flew to the window. He also imagined what he saw to be fire. The loud and vehement shrieks which succeeded the first explosion, seemed to be an invocation of succour. The incident was inexplicable; but he could not fail to perceive the propriety of hastening to the spot. He was unbolting the door, when his sister's voice was heard on the outside conjuring him to come forth.
The first suggestion was that a gun had been fired and that the building was on fire. She didn’t take a moment to think twice but rushed into the hallway and knocked loudly on her brother's door. My uncle had already been awakened by the noise and quickly ran to the window. He also thought he was seeing a fire. The loud, desperate screams that followed the first explosion sounded like a call for help. The situation was baffling, but he couldn’t ignore the need to hurry to the scene. He was unbolting the door when he heard his sister’s voice outside urging him to come out.
He obeyed the summons with all the speed in his power. He stopped not to question her, but hurried down stairs and across the meadow which lay between the house and the rock. The shrieks were no longer to be heard; but a blazing light was clearly discernible between the columns of the temple. Irregular steps, hewn in the stone, led him to the summit. On three sides, this edifice touched the very verge of the cliff. On the fourth side, which might be regarded as the front, there was an area of small extent, to which the rude staircase conducted you. My uncle speedily gained this spot. His strength was for a moment exhausted by his haste. He paused to rest himself. Meanwhile he bent the most vigilant attention towards the object before him.
He responded to the call as quickly as he could. He didn’t stop to ask her any questions but rushed downstairs and across the meadow that separated the house from the rock. The screams were no longer audible, but a bright light was clearly visible between the columns of the temple. Irregular stone steps led him to the top. On three sides, this building was right at the edge of the cliff. On the fourth side, which could be seen as the front, there was a small area that the rough staircase led to. My uncle quickly reached this spot. His strength was briefly drained from his urgency. He paused to catch his breath while keeping a close watch on what lay before him.
Within the columns he beheld what he could no better describe, than by saying that it resembled a cloud impregnated with light. It had the brightness of flame, but was without its upward motion. It did not occupy the whole area, and rose but a few feet above the floor. No part of the building was on fire. This appearance was astonishing. He approached the temple. As he went forward the light retired, and, when he put his feet within the apartment, utterly vanished. The suddenness of this transition increased the darkness that succeeded in a tenfold degree. Fear and wonder rendered him powerless. An occurrence like this, in a place assigned to devotion, was adapted to intimidate the stoutest heart.
Within the columns, he saw something he could only describe as a light-filled cloud. It was as bright as fire but didn’t flicker upward. It didn’t fill the entire space and only rose a few feet off the ground. No part of the building was on fire. This sight was shocking. He moved closer to the temple. As he approached, the light faded, and when he stepped inside, it completely disappeared. The abruptness of this change made the darkness that followed feel even more intense. Fear and awe left him frozen. An event like this, in a place meant for worship, could unsettle even the bravest heart.
His wandering thoughts were recalled by the groans of one near him. His sight gradually recovered its power, and he was able to discern my father stretched on the floor. At that moment, my mother and servants arrived with a lanthorn, and enabled my uncle to examine more closely this scene. My father, when he left the house, besides a loose upper vest and slippers, wore a shirt and drawers. Now he was naked, his skin throughout the greater part of his body was scorched and bruised. His right arm exhibited marks as of having been struck by some heavy body. His clothes had been removed, and it was not immediately perceived that they were reduced to ashes. His slippers and his hair were untouched.
His wandering thoughts were brought back by the groans of someone nearby. His vision slowly came back, and he was able to see my father lying on the floor. At that moment, my mother and the servants arrived with a lantern, allowing my uncle to take a closer look at the scene. When my father left the house, he was just wearing a loose top and slippers, along with a shirt and underwear. Now he was naked, his skin mostly scorched and bruised. His right arm showed signs of being hit by something heavy. His clothes had been taken off, and it wasn’t immediately clear that they had turned to ashes. His slippers and hair were untouched.
He was removed to his chamber, and the requisite attention paid to his wounds, which gradually became more painful. A mortification speedily shewed itself in the arm, which had been most hurt. Soon after, the other wounded parts exhibited the like appearance.
He was taken to his room, and the necessary care was given to his wounds, which gradually became more painful. Soon, a serious infection appeared in the arm that had been hurt the most. Before long, the other injured areas showed similar signs.
Immediately subsequent to this disaster, my father seemed nearly in a state of insensibility. He was passive under every operation. He scarcely opened his eyes, and was with difficulty prevailed upon to answer the questions that were put to him. By his imperfect account, it appeared, that while engaged in silent orisons, with thoughts full of confusion and anxiety, a faint gleam suddenly shot athwart the apartment. His fancy immediately pictured to itself, a person bearing a lamp. It seemed to come from behind. He was in the act of turning to examine the visitant, when his right arm received a blow from a heavy club. At the same instant, a very bright spark was seen to light upon his clothes. In a moment, the whole was reduced to ashes. This was the sum of the information which he chose to give. There was somewhat in his manner that indicated an imperfect tale. My uncle was inclined to believe that half the truth had been suppressed.
Right after the disaster, my father seemed almost unresponsive. He was completely passive during the whole ordeal. He barely opened his eyes and was hard to persuade to answer any questions asked of him. From his unclear account, it seemed that while he was deep in prayer, filled with confusion and worry, a faint light suddenly flashed across the room. He immediately imagined someone holding a lamp, and it appeared to be coming from behind him. Just as he was turning to see who it was, his right arm got hit by a heavy club. At that same moment, a bright spark landed on his clothes, and in an instant, everything turned to ashes. That was all he chose to share. There was something in the way he acted that suggested his story was incomplete. My uncle believed that he was hiding part of the truth.
Meanwhile, the disease thus wonderfully generated, betrayed more terrible symptoms. Fever and delirium terminated in lethargic slumber, which, in the course of two hours, gave place to death. Yet not till insupportable exhalations and crawling putrefaction had driven from his chamber and the house every one whom their duty did not detain.
Meanwhile, the disease that had developed so remarkably showed even more frightening symptoms. Fever and delirium led to a deep sleep that, within two hours, ended in death. However, it wasn't until unbearable smells and creeping decay forced everyone out of his room and the house, except for those whose duty kept them there.
Such was the end of my father. None surely was ever more mysterious. When we recollect his gloomy anticipations and unconquerable anxiety; the security from human malice which his character, the place, and the condition of the times, might be supposed to confer; the purity and cloudlessness of the atmosphere, which rendered it impossible that lightning was the cause; what are the conclusions that we must form?
Such was the end of my father. No one was ever more mysterious. When we think back on his gloomy expectations and unshakeable anxiety; the protection from human malice that his character, the location, and the state of affairs at that time should have provided; the clarity and lack of clouds in the sky, which made it impossible for lightning to be the cause; what conclusions can we draw?
The prelusive gleam, the blow upon his arm, the fatal spark, the explosion heard so far, the fiery cloud that environed him, without detriment to the structure, though composed of combustible materials, the sudden vanishing of this cloud at my uncle's approach—what is the inference to be drawn from these facts? Their truth cannot be doubted. My uncle's testimony is peculiarly worthy of credit, because no man's temper is more sceptical, and his belief is unalterably attached to natural causes.
The initial glimmer, the hit on his arm, the deadly spark, the explosion that was heard from so far away, the blazing cloud that surrounded him, without harming the structure, even though it was made up of flammable materials, the sudden disappearance of this cloud when my uncle got closer—what can we conclude from these facts? Their truth can't be questioned. My uncle's account is particularly reliable because no one's skepticism is stronger, and his belief is firmly tied to natural causes.
I was at this time a child of six years of age. The impressions that were then made upon me, can never be effaced. I was ill qualified to judge respecting what was then passing; but as I advanced in age, and became more fully acquainted with these facts, they oftener became the subject of my thoughts. Their resemblance to recent events revived them with new force in my memory, and made me more anxious to explain them. Was this the penalty of disobedience? this the stroke of a vindictive and invisible hand? Is it a fresh proof that the Divine Ruler interferes in human affairs, meditates an end, selects, and commissions his agents, and enforces, by unequivocal sanctions, submission to his will? Or, was it merely the irregular expansion of the fluid that imparts warmth to our heart and our blood, caused by the fatigue of the preceding day, or flowing, by established laws, from the condition of his thoughts? [*]
I was six years old at that time. The impressions made on me then can never be erased. I wasn't in a good position to judge what was happening, but as I got older and learned more about these facts, they often came to my mind. Their similarity to recent events brought them back to me with new intensity and made me more eager to understand them. Was this the consequence of disobedience? Was this the blow of a vengeful and unseen force? Is it further proof that the Divine Ruler intervenes in human affairs, has a purpose, chooses and assigns his agents, and enforces submission to his will with clear consequences? Or was it simply the irregular expansion of the fluid that gives warmth to our hearts and blood, caused by the fatigue of the previous day, or flowing, according to established laws, from the state of his thoughts? [*]
* A case, in its symptoms exactly parallel to this, is published in one of the Journals of Florence. See, likewise, similar cases reported by Messrs. Merille and Muraire, in the "Journal de Medicine," for February and May, 1783. The researches of Maffei and Fontana have thrown some light upon this subject.
* A case that has exactly the same symptoms as this one is published in a journal from Florence. Also, check out similar cases reported by Messrs. Merille and Muraire in the "Journal de Medicine" from February and May 1783. The research by Maffei and Fontana has shed some light on this topic.
Chapter III
The shock which this disastrous occurrence occasioned to my mother, was the foundation of a disease which carried her, in a few months, to the grave. My brother and myself were children at this time, and were now reduced to the condition of orphans. The property which our parents left was by no means inconsiderable. It was entrusted to faithful hands, till we should arrive at a suitable age. Meanwhile, our education was assigned to a maiden aunt who resided in the city, and whose tenderness made us in a short time cease to regret that we had lost a mother.
The shock from this terrible event deeply affected my mother and led to an illness that took her from us within a few months. My brother and I were kids at that time, and we were left as orphans. Our parents left us a decent amount of property, which was placed in trustworthy hands until we were old enough to manage it ourselves. In the meantime, our education was taken care of by our aunt, who lived in the city, and her kindness made us quickly stop missing our mother.
The years that succeeded were tranquil and happy. Our lives were molested by few of those cares that are incident to childhood. By accident more than design, the indulgence and yielding temper of our aunt was mingled with resolution and stedfastness. She seldom deviated into either extreme of rigour or lenity. Our social pleasures were subject to no unreasonable restraints. We were instructed in most branches of useful knowledge, and were saved from the corruption and tyranny of colleges and boarding-schools.
The years that followed were calm and joyful. Our lives were disturbed by few of those worries that come with childhood. By chance more than intention, our aunt's indulgent and easygoing nature was balanced with determination and firmness. She rarely leaned too far into strictness or leniency. Our social activities faced no unreasonable restrictions. We were taught most areas of practical knowledge and were kept from the corruption and oppression of colleges and boarding schools.
Our companions were chiefly selected from the children of our neighbours. Between one of these and my brother, there quickly grew the most affectionate intimacy. Her name was Catharine Pleyel. She was rich, beautiful, and contrived to blend the most bewitching softness with the most exuberant vivacity. The tie by which my brother and she were united, seemed to add force to the love which I bore her, and which was amply returned. Between her and myself there was every circumstance tending to produce and foster friendship. Our sex and age were the same. We lived within sight of each other's abode. Our tempers were remarkably congenial, and the superintendants of our education not only prescribed to us the same pursuits, but allowed us to cultivate them together.
Our friends were mainly chosen from the kids who lived nearby. Between one of them and my brother, a deep bond developed quickly. Her name was Catharine Pleyel. She was wealthy, beautiful, and managed to mix enchanting softness with lively energy. The connection my brother had with her seemed to strengthen the love I felt for her, which she felt in return. There were many factors between us that encouraged and nurtured our friendship. We were the same age and gender. We lived close enough to see each other's homes. Our personalities matched perfectly, and our educators not only set the same activities for us, but also allowed us to pursue them together.
Every day added strength to the triple bonds that united us. We gradually withdrew ourselves from the society of others, and found every moment irksome that was not devoted to each other. My brother's advance in age made no change in our situation. It was determined that his profession should be agriculture. His fortune exempted him from the necessity of personal labour. The task to be performed by him was nothing more than superintendance. The skill that was demanded by this was merely theoretical, and was furnished by casual inspection, or by closet study. The attention that was paid to this subject did not seclude him for any long time from us, on whom time had no other effect than to augment our impatience in the absence of each other and of him. Our tasks, our walks, our music, were seldom performed but in each other's company.
Every day strengthened the close bonds that connected us. We slowly pulled away from other people, and found every moment without each other frustrating. My brother aging didn't change our situation. It was decided that he would work in agriculture. His wealth freed him from the need for manual labor. His role was simply to oversee things. The skill required for this was mostly theoretical, learned through occasional inspections or studying in private. The focus on this didn't keep him away from us for long; time only made us more impatient for each other's company. Our chores, our walks, our music, were hardly ever done without each other.
It was easy to see that Catharine and my brother were born for each other. The passion which they mutually entertained quickly broke those bounds which extreme youth had set to it; confessions were made or extorted, and their union was postponed only till my brother had passed his minority. The previous lapse of two years was constantly and usefully employed.
It was clear that Catharine and my brother were meant for each other. The feelings they had for each other quickly went beyond the limits that their youth had imposed; secrets were shared or forced out, and their relationship was only delayed until my brother reached adulthood. The two years that followed were spent productively and meaningfully.
O my brother! But the task I have set myself let me perform with steadiness. The felicity of that period was marred by no gloomy anticipations. The future, like the present, was serene. Time was supposed to have only new delights in store. I mean not to dwell on previous incidents longer than is necessary to illustrate or explain the great events that have since happened. The nuptial day at length arrived. My brother took possession of the house in which he was born, and here the long protracted marriage was solemnized.
Oh my brother! But let me carry out the task I've set for myself with determination. The happiness of that time was not overshadowed by any dark expectations. The future, like the present, felt calm. Time was believed to hold only new joys ahead. I don't want to linger on past events longer than necessary to shed light on the significant happenings that have followed. The wedding day finally arrived. My brother moved into the house where he was born, and it was there that the long-awaited marriage was celebrated.
My father's property was equally divided between us. A neat dwelling, situated on the bank of the river, three quarters of a mile from my brother's, was now occupied by me. These domains were called, from the name of the first possessor, Mettingen. I can scarcely account for my refusing to take up my abode with him, unless it were from a disposition to be an economist of pleasure. Self-denial, seasonably exercised, is one means of enhancing our gratifications. I was, beside, desirous of administering a fund, and regulating an household, of my own. The short distance allowed us to exchange visits as often as we pleased. The walk from one mansion to the other was no undelightful prelude to our interviews. I was sometimes their visitant, and they, as frequently, were my guests.
My father's property was divided equally between us. A cozy house, located on the riverbank, three-quarters of a mile from my brother’s place, is now my home. This land was named Mettingen after its first owner. I can barely explain why I chose not to live with him, unless it was because I wanted to enjoy my own kind of happiness. Practicing self-denial at the right time can make our pleasures even greater. I also wanted to manage my own finances and household. The short distance between us meant we could visit each other whenever we wanted. The walk from one house to the other was a nice way to begin our time together. Sometimes I would visit them, and just as often they would be my guests.
Our education had been modelled by no religious standard. We were left to the guidance of our own understanding, and the casual impressions which society might make upon us. My friend's temper, as well as my own, exempted us from much anxiety on this account. It must not be supposed that we were without religion, but with us it was the product of lively feelings, excited by reflection on our own happiness, and by the grandeur of external nature. We sought not a basis for our faith, in the weighing of proofs, and the dissection of creeds. Our devotion was a mixed and casual sentiment, seldom verbally expressed, or solicitously sought, or carefully retained. In the midst of present enjoyment, no thought was bestowed on the future. As a consolation in calamity religion is dear. But calamity was yet at a distance, and its only tendency was to heighten enjoyments which needed not this addition to satisfy every craving.
Our education wasn’t shaped by any religious standards. We relied on our own understanding and the casual influences of society. My friend's temperament, as well as my own, kept us from worrying too much about this. It shouldn’t be assumed that we were without religion; for us, it came from intense feelings stirred by reflecting on our own happiness and the beauty of nature around us. We didn’t look for a foundation for our beliefs by weighing evidence or analyzing doctrines. Our spirituality was a mix of casual feelings, rarely spoken about or actively sought, and not carefully preserved. While we were enjoying the present, we didn’t think about the future. Religion becomes precious in times of trouble, but trouble was still far off, and it only seemed to enhance the enjoyment we had, which was already enough to satisfy our every desire.
My brother's situation was somewhat different. His deportment was grave, considerate, and thoughtful. I will not say whether he was indebted to sublimer views for this disposition. Human life, in his opinion, was made up of changeable elements, and the principles of duty were not easily unfolded. The future, either as anterior, or subsequent to death, was a scene that required some preparation and provision to be made for it. These positions we could not deny, but what distinguished him was a propensity to ruminate on these truths. The images that visited us were blithsome and gay, but those with which he was most familiar were of an opposite hue. They did not generate affliction and fear, but they diffused over his behaviour a certain air of forethought and sobriety. The principal effect of this temper was visible in his features and tones. These, in general, bespoke a sort of thrilling melancholy. I scarcely ever knew him to laugh. He never accompanied the lawless mirth of his companions with more than a smile, but his conduct was the same as ours.
My brother's situation was a bit different. He was serious, thoughtful, and considerate. I won’t say whether he was influenced by higher ideals for this attitude. In his view, human life was made up of changing elements, and the principles of duty weren't easily deciphered. The future, whether before or after death, was something that required preparation and planning. We couldn’t deny these ideas, but what set him apart was his tendency to ponder these truths. The thoughts that came to us were cheerful and bright, but those that he was most familiar with were the opposite. They didn't bring sadness or fear, but they gave his demeanor a sense of seriousness and reflection. The main effect of this attitude was clear in his features and voice. Generally, they showed a kind of haunting melancholy. I hardly ever saw him laugh. He never joined in the reckless laughter of his friends with more than a smile, but he behaved just like we did.
He partook of our occupations and amusements with a zeal not less than ours, but of a different kind. The diversity in our temper was never the parent of discord, and was scarcely a topic of regret. The scene was variegated, but not tarnished or disordered by it. It hindered the element in which we moved from stagnating. Some agitation and concussion is requisite to the due exercise of human understanding. In his studies, he pursued an austerer and more arduous path. He was much conversant with the history of religious opinions, and took pains to ascertain their validity. He deemed it indispensable to examine the ground of his belief, to settle the relation between motives and actions, the criterion of merit, and the kinds and properties of evidence.
He joined in our activities and fun with a passion similar to ours, but in a different way. Our different temperaments never caused conflict, and we rarely regretted it. The setting was colorful, but not damaged or chaotic because of it. It prevented the environment we were in from becoming stagnant. A bit of disturbance and challenge is necessary for the proper functioning of human understanding. In his studies, he took on a stricter and more challenging path. He was well-versed in the history of religious beliefs and worked hard to verify their validity. He believed it was essential to explore the foundation of his beliefs, to clarify the connection between motives and actions, the standards of merit, and the types and characteristics of evidence.
There was an obvious resemblance between him and my father, in their conceptions of the importance of certain topics, and in the light in which the vicissitudes of human life were accustomed to be viewed. Their characters were similar, but the mind of the son was enriched by science, and embellished with literature.
There was a clear resemblance between him and my father, in how they viewed the significance of certain topics and the perspective they had on the ups and downs of life. Their characters were alike, but the son's mind was enhanced by science and enriched with literature.
The temple was no longer assigned to its ancient use. From an Italian adventurer, who erroneously imagined that he could find employment for his skill, and sale for his sculptures in America, my brother had purchased a bust of Cicero. He professed to have copied this piece from an antique dug up with his own hands in the environs of Modena. Of the truth of his assertions we were not qualified to judge; but the marble was pure and polished, and we were contented to admire the performance, without waiting for the sanction of connoisseurs. We hired the same artist to hew a suitable pedestal from a neighbouring quarry. This was placed in the temple, and the bust rested upon it. Opposite to this was a harpsichord, sheltered by a temporary roof from the weather. This was the place of resort in the evenings of summer. Here we sung, and talked, and read, and occasionally banqueted. Every joyous and tender scene most dear to my memory, is connected with this edifice. Here the performances of our musical and poetical ancestor were rehearsed. Here my brother's children received the rudiments of their education; here a thousand conversations, pregnant with delight and improvement, took place; and here the social affections were accustomed to expand, and the tear of delicious sympathy to be shed.
The temple had stopped being used for its original purpose. My brother bought a bust of Cicero from an Italian adventurer who mistakenly thought he could find work for his skills and sell his sculptures in America. He claimed to have copied the bust from an antique that he discovered himself near Modena. We couldn't judge the truth of his claims, but the marble was clean and polished, and we were happy to admire the artwork without waiting for the approval of experts. We hired the same artist to carve a suitable pedestal from a nearby quarry, and this was placed in the temple for the bust to sit on. Across from it was a harpsichord, protected by a temporary roof from the weather. This was our gathering spot on summer evenings. We sang, talked, read, and occasionally feasted here. Every joyful and sentimental memory I cherish is linked to this place. Here, we practiced the works of our musical and poetic ancestors. Here, my brother's children began their education; here, countless conversations filled with joy and growth took place; and here, our social bonds deepened, and tears of heartfelt sympathy were shed.
My brother was an indefatigable student. The authors whom he read were numerous, but the chief object of his veneration was Cicero. He was never tired of conning and rehearsing his productions. To understand them was not sufficient. He was anxious to discover the gestures and cadences with which they ought to be delivered. He was very scrupulous in selecting a true scheme of pronunciation for the Latin tongue, and in adapting it to the words of his darling writer. His favorite occupation consisted in embellishing his rhetoric with all the proprieties of gesticulation and utterance.
My brother was an unstoppable student. He read a lot of authors, but his main admiration was for Cicero. He never got tired of studying and practicing his works. Understanding them wasn't enough; he wanted to figure out the gestures and rhythms for delivering them. He was very careful in choosing the right pronunciation for Latin and making it fit the words of his favorite writer. His favorite activity was enhancing his speech with all the right gestures and ways of speaking.
Not contented with this, he was diligent in settling and restoring the purity of the text. For this end, he collected all the editions and commentaries that could be procured, and employed months of severe study in exploring and comparing them. He never betrayed more satisfaction than when he made a discovery of this kind.
Not satisfied with this, he was dedicated to fixing and restoring the accuracy of the text. To do this, he gathered all the available editions and commentaries, spending months in intense study to explore and compare them. He showed no greater satisfaction than when he made a discovery like this.
It was not till the addition of Henry Pleyel, my friend's only brother, to our society, that his passion for Roman eloquence was countenanced and fostered by a sympathy of tastes. This young man had been some years in Europe. We had separated at a very early age, and he was now returned to spend the remainder of his days among us.
It wasn't until Henry Pleyel, my friend's only brother, joined our group that his love for Roman eloquence was supported and encouraged by shared interests. This young man had spent several years in Europe. We had parted ways at a very young age, and he was now back to spend the rest of his days with us.
Our circle was greatly enlivened by the accession of a new member. His conversation abounded with novelty. His gaiety was almost boisterous, but was capable of yielding to a grave deportment when the occasion required it. His discernment was acute, but he was prone to view every object merely as supplying materials for mirth. His conceptions were ardent but ludicrous, and his memory, aided, as he honestly acknowledged, by his invention, was an inexhaustible fund of entertainment.
Our group was really energized by the addition of a new member. His conversations were full of fresh ideas. He was almost overly cheerful, but he could be serious when the situation called for it. He had sharp insight, but he tended to see everything as just fuel for laughter. His ideas were passionate yet ridiculous, and his memory, which he honestly admitted was boosted by his creativity, provided endless entertainment.
His residence was at the same distance below the city as ours was above, but there seldom passed a day without our being favoured with a visit. My brother and he were endowed with the same attachment to the Latin writers; and Pleyel was not behind his friend in his knowledge of the history and metaphysics of religion. Their creeds, however, were in many respects opposite. Where one discovered only confirmations of his faith, the other could find nothing but reasons for doubt. Moral necessity, and calvinistic inspiration, were the props on which my brother thought proper to repose. Pleyel was the champion of intellectual liberty, and rejected all guidance but that of his reason. Their discussions were frequent, but, being managed with candour as well as with skill, they were always listened to by us with avidity and benefit.
His home was just as far below the city as ours was above, but we rarely went a day without a visit from him. My brother and he shared a deep appreciation for Latin writers, and Pleyel matched my brother's knowledge of the history and philosophy of religion. However, their beliefs often stood in stark contrast. Where one found only affirmations of his faith, the other saw only reasons to doubt. My brother relied on moral necessity and Calvinistic inspiration. Pleyel, on the other hand, was a defender of intellectual freedom and rejected any guidance except for that of his own reason. They had frequent discussions, and since they approached them with both openness and skill, we always listened with eagerness and gained from them.
Pleyel, like his new friends, was fond of music and poetry. Henceforth our concerts consisted of two violins, an harpsichord, and three voices. We were frequently reminded how much happiness depends upon society. This new friend, though, before his arrival, we were sensible of no vacuity, could not now be spared. His departure would occasion a void which nothing could fill, and which would produce insupportable regret. Even my brother, though his opinions were hourly assailed, and even the divinity of Cicero contested, was captivated with his friend, and laid aside some part of his ancient gravity at Pleyel's approach.
Pleyel, like his new friends, loved music and poetry. From then on, our concerts featured two violins, a harpsichord, and three voices. We often realized how much happiness depends on having company. This new friend, who we didn't think we needed before he arrived, now seemed essential. His absence would leave a gap that nothing could fill, causing unbearable sorrow. Even my brother, despite constantly being challenged on his views and even having Cicero's greatness questioned, was charmed by Pleyel and set aside some of his usual seriousness when Pleyel was around.
Chapter IV
Six years of uninterrupted happiness had rolled away, since my brother's marriage. The sound of war had been heard, but it was at such a distance as to enhance our enjoyment by affording objects of comparison. The Indians were repulsed on the one side, and Canada was conquered on the other. Revolutions and battles, however calamitous to those who occupied the scene, contributed in some sort to our happiness, by agitating our minds with curiosity, and furnishing causes of patriotic exultation. Four children, three of whom were of an age to compensate, by their personal and mental progress, the cares of which they had been, at a more helpless age, the objects, exercised my brother's tenderness. The fourth was a charming babe that promised to display the image of her mother, and enjoyed perfect health. To these were added a sweet girl fourteen years old, who was loved by all of us, with an affection more than parental.
Six years of continuous happiness had passed since my brother's wedding. We heard about the war, but it was far enough away that it actually made our enjoyment feel deeper by giving us something to compare our lives against. The Indians were pushed back on one side, and Canada was taken on the other. Revolutions and battles, though disastrous for those directly involved, oddly contributed to our happiness by stirring our curiosity and giving us reasons to feel patriotic pride. My brother was tenderly focused on four children, three of whom were old enough to make up for the worries they had caused us when they were younger. The fourth was a lovely baby who looked just like her mother and was in perfect health. Along with them was a sweet girl who was fourteen, and we all loved her with an affection that went beyond just parental love.
Her mother's story was a mournful one. She had come hither from England when this child was an infant, alone, without friends, and without money. She appeared to have embarked in a hasty and clandestine manner. She passed three years of solitude and anguish under my aunt's protection, and died a martyr to woe; the source of which she could, by no importunities, be prevailed upon to unfold. Her education and manners bespoke her to be of no mean birth. Her last moments were rendered serene, by the assurances she received from my aunt, that her daughter should experience the same protection that had been extended to herself.
Her mother's story was a tragic one. She had come here from England when this child was just a baby, all alone, without friends or money. It seemed like she had left in a rush and secretly. She spent three years in solitude and suffering under my aunt's care and died overwhelmed by sorrow, the cause of which she refused to reveal, no matter how much she was asked. Her education and manners suggested she came from a respectable background. In her final moments, she found peace from my aunt's reassurance that her daughter would receive the same kind of protection that had been given to her.
On my brother's marriage, it was agreed that she should make a part of his family. I cannot do justice to the attractions of this girl. Perhaps the tenderness she excited might partly originate in her personal resemblance to her mother, whose character and misfortunes were still fresh in our remembrance. She was habitually pensive, and this circumstance tended to remind the spectator of her friendless condition; and yet that epithet was surely misapplied in this case. This being was cherished by those with whom she now resided, with unspeakable fondness. Every exertion was made to enlarge and improve her mind. Her safety was the object of a solicitude that almost exceeded the bounds of discretion. Our affection indeed could scarcely transcend her merits. She never met my eye, or occurred to my reflections, without exciting a kind of enthusiasm. Her softness, her intelligence, her equanimity, never shall I see surpassed. I have often shed tears of pleasure at her approach, and pressed her to my bosom in an agony of fondness.
At my brother's wedding, it was decided that she would become part of his family. I can’t fully express how captivating this girl was. Maybe the affection I felt was partly because she resembled her mother, whose character and struggles were still fresh in our minds. She often seemed thoughtful, which drew attention to her lonely situation; yet, that label didn’t really apply here. This girl was loved deeply by those she now lived with. Every effort was made to expand and nurture her mind. We worried about her safety to an extent that nearly crossed the line of reason. Our love for her truly exceeded her worth. Every time I saw her or thought about her, it ignited a kind of enthusiasm in me. Her gentleness, her intelligence, her calmness—I doubt I’ll ever see anyone surpass those qualities. I’ve often shed tears of joy when she approached and embraced her tightly, overwhelmed by affection.
While every day was adding to the charms of her person, and the stores of her mind, there occurred an event which threatened to deprive us of her. An officer of some rank, who had been disabled by a wound at Quebec, had employed himself, since the ratification of peace, in travelling through the colonies. He remained a considerable period at Philadelphia, but was at last preparing for his departure. No one had been more frequently honoured with his visits than Mrs. Baynton, a worthy lady with whom our family were intimate. He went to her house with a view to perform a farewell visit, and was on the point of taking his leave, when I and my young friend entered the apartment. It is impossible to describe the emotions of the stranger, when he fixed his eyes upon my companion. He was motionless with surprise. He was unable to conceal his feelings, but sat silently gazing at the spectacle before him. At length he turned to Mrs. Baynton, and more by his looks and gestures than by words, besought her for an explanation of the scene. He seized the hand of the girl, who, in her turn, was surprised by his behaviour, and drawing her forward, said in an eager and faultering tone, Who is she? whence does she come? what is her name?
While every day added to her beauty and the depth of her mind, an event happened that threatened to take her away from us. An officer of some rank, who had been injured in Quebec, had spent his time since the peace was signed traveling through the colonies. He stayed in Philadelphia for quite a while, but was finally getting ready to leave. No one had been visited more often by him than Mrs. Baynton, a wonderful lady with whom our family was close. He went to her home intending to say goodbye, and just as he was about to take his leave, my young friend and I walked into the room. It’s hard to describe the stranger’s emotions when he laid eyes on my companion. He was frozen in shock. He couldn't hide his feelings and sat there silently staring at the sight before him. Finally, he turned to Mrs. Baynton, and more through his expressions and gestures than through words, he asked her for an explanation of what he was witnessing. He took the girl's hand, who, in turn, was taken aback by his actions, and pulling her closer, said in an eager and trembling voice, "Who is she? Where does she come from? What is her name?"
The answers that were given only increased the confusion of his thoughts. He was successively told, that she was the daughter of one whose name was Louisa Conway, who arrived among us at such a time, who sedulously concealed her parentage, and the motives of her flight, whose incurable griefs had finally destroyed her, and who had left this child under the protection of her friends. Having heard the tale, he melted into tears, eagerly clasped the young lady in his arms, and called himself her father. When the tumults excited in his breast by this unlooked-for meeting were somewhat subsided, he gratified our curiosity by relating the following incidents.
The answers he received only made his thoughts more confusing. He was told that she was the daughter of someone named Louisa Conway, who had arrived here at a certain time, who carefully hid her background and the reasons for her leaving, whose deep sorrows eventually consumed her, and who had left this child in the care of her friends. After hearing the story, he broke down in tears, eagerly held the young woman in his arms, and called himself her father. Once the emotions stirred in him by this unexpected reunion calmed down a bit, he satisfied our curiosity by sharing the following events.
"Miss Conway was the only daughter of a banker in London, who discharged towards her every duty of an affectionate father. He had chanced to fall into her company, had been subdued by her attractions, had tendered her his hand, and been joyfully accepted both by parent and child. His wife had given him every proof of the fondest attachment. Her father, who possessed immense wealth, treated him with distinguished respect, liberally supplied his wants, and had made one condition of his consent to their union, a resolution to take up their abode with him.
Miss Conway was the only daughter of a banker in London, who fulfilled every duty of a caring father. He happened to meet her, was captivated by her charm, proposed to her, and was happily accepted by both her and her parent. His wife had shown him every sign of deep affection. Her father, who was very wealthy, treated him with great respect, generously met his needs, and had made one condition for agreeing to their marriage: that they would live with him.
"They had passed three years of conjugal felicity, which had been augmented by the birth of this child; when his professional duty called him into Germany. It was not without an arduous struggle, that she was persuaded to relinquish the design of accompanying him through all the toils and perils of war. No parting was ever more distressful. They strove to alleviate, by frequent letters, the evils of their lot. Those of his wife, breathed nothing but anxiety for his safety, and impatience of his absence. At length, a new arrangement was made, and he was obliged to repair from Westphalia to Canada. One advantage attended this change. It afforded him an opportunity of meeting his family. His wife anticipated this interview, with no less rapture than himself. He hurried to London, and the moment he alighted from the stage-coach, ran with all speed to Mr. Conway's house.
They had spent three years in marital happiness, which was made even better by the birth of their child, when his job required him to go to Germany. It took a lot of convincing for her to give up the idea of going with him through all the struggles and dangers of war. The farewell was incredibly painful. They tried to ease their situation by writing to each other often. His wife’s letters were filled with worry for his safety and impatience for his return. Eventually, a new plan was put in place, and he had to travel from Westphalia to Canada. One benefit of this change was that it gave him a chance to see his family. His wife looked forward to this meeting with just as much excitement as he did. He rushed to London, and as soon as he got off the coach, he ran as fast as he could to Mr. Conway's house.
"It was an house of mourning. His father was overwhelmed with grief, and incapable of answering his inquiries. The servants, sorrowful and mute, were equally refractory. He explored the house, and called on the names of his wife and daughter, but his summons was fruitless. At length, this new disaster was explained. Two days before his arrival, his wife's chamber was found empty. No search, however diligent and anxious, could trace her steps. No cause could be assigned for her disappearance. The mother and child had fled away together.
It was a house of mourning. His father was consumed by grief and couldn’t answer his questions. The servants, sad and silent, were just as unresponsive. He searched the house, calling for his wife and daughter, but his calls went unanswered. Eventually, the reason for this new tragedy was revealed. Two days before he arrived, his wife's room was discovered empty. Despite thorough and desperate searches, no one could find out where she had gone. No explanation could be given for her disappearance. The mother and child had left together.
"New exertions were made, her chamber and cabinets were ransacked, but no vestige was found serving to inform them as to the motives of her flight, whether it had been voluntary or otherwise, and in what corner of the kingdom or of the world she was concealed. Who shall describe the sorrow and amazement of the husband? His restlessness, his vicissitudes of hope and fear, and his ultimate despair? His duty called him to America. He had been in this city, and had frequently passed the door of the house in which his wife, at that moment, resided. Her father had not remitted his exertions to elucidate this painful mystery, but they had failed. This disappointment hastened his death; in consequence of which, Louisa's father became possessor of his immense property."
"New efforts were made, her room and belongings were searched, but nothing was found to explain the reasons for her disappearance, whether it was by choice or otherwise, and where she might be hiding in the kingdom or the world. Who can describe the husband’s sorrow and shock? His restlessness, the ups and downs of his hope and fear, and his eventual despair? His responsibilities took him to America. He had been in this city and had often passed by the door of the house where his wife was staying at that moment. Her father had not stopped trying to uncover this painful mystery, but he had failed. This disappointment hurried his death; as a result, Louisa's father inherited his vast fortune."
This tale was a copious theme of speculation. A thousand questions were started and discussed in our domestic circle, respecting the motives that influenced Mrs. Stuart to abandon her country. It did not appear that her proceeding was involuntary. We recalled and reviewed every particular that had fallen under our own observation. By none of these were we furnished with a clue. Her conduct, after the most rigorous scrutiny, still remained an impenetrable secret. On a nearer view, Major Stuart proved himself a man of most amiable character. His attachment to Louisa appeared hourly to increase. She was no stranger to the sentiments suitable to her new character. She could not but readily embrace the scheme which was proposed to her, to return with her father to England. This scheme his regard for her induced him, however, to postpone. Some time was necessary to prepare her for so great a change and enable her to think without agony of her separation from us.
This story sparked a lot of speculation. A thousand questions came up and were discussed in our home about why Mrs. Stuart decided to leave her country. It didn’t seem like her decision was forced. We recalled and examined every detail we had noticed. None of these gave us any clues. After the closest examination, her actions remained a complete mystery. On a closer look, Major Stuart turned out to be a really nice guy. His affection for Louisa seemed to grow by the hour. She was well aware of the feelings that matched her new role. She couldn't help but easily accept the plan to return to England with her father. However, his feelings for her led him to delay the plan. Some time was needed to prepare her for such a big change and help her manage her feelings about leaving us.
I was not without hopes of prevailing on her father entirely to relinquish this unwelcome design. Meanwhile, he pursued his travels through the southern colonies, and his daughter continued with us. Louisa and my brother frequently received letters from him, which indicated a mind of no common order. They were filled with amusing details, and profound reflections. While here, he often partook of our evening conversations at the temple; and since his departure, his correspondence had frequently supplied us with topics of discourse.
I hoped to convince her father to completely abandon this unwanted plan. In the meantime, he traveled through the southern colonies, and his daughter stayed with us. Louisa and my brother often got letters from him, which showed he was quite an intelligent person. The letters were full of entertaining details and deep thoughts. While he was here, he often joined our evening conversations at the temple; and since he left, his letters have often provided us with things to talk about.
One afternoon in May, the blandness of the air, and brightness of the verdure, induced us to assemble, earlier than usual, in the temple. We females were busy at the needle, while my brother and Pleyel were bandying quotations and syllogisms. The point discussed was the merit of the oration for Cluentius, as descriptive, first, of the genius of the speaker; and, secondly, of the manners of the times. Pleyel laboured to extenuate both these species of merit, and tasked his ingenuity, to shew that the orator had embraced a bad cause; or, at least, a doubtful one. He urged, that to rely on the exaggerations of an advocate, or to make the picture of a single family a model from which to sketch the condition of a nation, was absurd. The controversy was suddenly diverted into a new channel, by a misquotation. Pleyel accused his companion of saying "polliciatur" when he should have said "polliceretur." Nothing would decide the contest, but an appeal to the volume. My brother was returning to the house for this purpose, when a servant met him with a letter from Major Stuart. He immediately returned to read it in our company.
One afternoon in May, the mildness of the air and the brightness of the greenery made us gather earlier than usual in the temple. We women were busy sewing, while my brother and Pleyel were tossing around quotes and logical arguments. They were discussing the merit of the oration for Cluentius, in terms of both the speaker's talent and the social customs of the time. Pleyel tried to downplay both aspects, using his cleverness to argue that the orator backed a bad cause, or at the very least, one that was questionable. He pointed out that relying on the exaggerations of a lawyer or using the depiction of a single family as a template for the whole nation was ridiculous. The argument quickly changed direction due to a misquote. Pleyel accused his friend of saying "polliciatur" when he should have said "polliceretur." The only way to settle the debate was to consult the book. My brother was heading back to the house for this purpose when a servant met him with a letter from Major Stuart. He immediately returned to read it to us.
Besides affectionate compliments to us, and paternal benedictions on Louisa, his letter contained a description of a waterfall on the Monongahela. A sudden gust of rain falling, we were compelled to remove to the house. The storm passed away, and a radiant moon-light succeeded. There was no motion to resume our seats in the temple. We therefore remained where we were, and engaged in sprightly conversation. The letter lately received naturally suggested the topic. A parallel was drawn between the cataract there described, and one which Pleyel had discovered among the Alps of Glarus. In the state of the former, some particular was mentioned, the truth of which was questionable. To settle the dispute which thence arose, it was proposed to have recourse to the letter. My brother searched for it in his pocket. It was no where to be found. At length, he remembered to have left it in the temple, and he determined to go in search of it. His wife, Pleyel, Louisa, and myself, remained where we were.
Besides kind compliments to us and fatherly blessings for Louisa, his letter included a description of a waterfall on the Monongahela. When a sudden rainstorm hit, we had to move inside the house. The storm passed, and a bright moonlight followed. There was no urge to go back to our seats in the temple. So, we stayed where we were and had lively conversations. The letter we had just received naturally brought up the topic. We compared the waterfall he described to one that Pleyel had found in the Alps of Glarus. In discussing the former, some details were mentioned that were questionable. To settle the resulting debate, we decided to refer back to the letter. My brother searched for it in his pocket but couldn't find it anywhere. Finally, he remembered he had left it in the temple and decided to go look for it. His wife, Pleyel, Louisa, and I stayed where we were.
In a few minutes he returned. I was somewhat interested in the dispute, and was therefore impatient for his return; yet, as I heard him ascending the stairs, I could not but remark, that he had executed his intention with remarkable dispatch. My eyes were fixed upon him on his entrance. Methought he brought with him looks considerably different from those with which he departed. Wonder, and a slight portion of anxiety were mingled in them. His eyes seemed to be in search of some object. They passed quickly from one person to another, till they rested on his wife. She was seated in a careless attitude on the sofa, in the same spot as before. She had the same muslin in her hand, by which her attention was chiefly engrossed.
In a few minutes, he came back. I was somewhat interested in the argument, so I was impatient for him to return; but as I heard him coming up the stairs, I couldn't help but notice that he had carried out his intention with impressive speed. My eyes were fixed on him as he entered. It seemed like he had a look that was quite different from the one he had when he left. There was a mix of wonder and a bit of anxiety in his expression. His eyes were searching for something. They darted quickly from one person to another until they landed on his wife. She was lounging casually on the sofa in the same spot as before, holding the same piece of muslin, which was what she was mostly focused on.
The moment he saw her, his perplexity visibly increased. He quietly seated himself, and fixing his eyes on the floor, appeared to be absorbed in meditation. These singularities suspended the inquiry which I was preparing to make respecting the letter. In a short time, the company relinquished the subject which engaged them, and directed their attention to Wieland. They thought that he only waited for a pause in the discourse, to produce the letter. The pause was uninterrupted by him. At length Pleyel said, "Well, I suppose you have found the letter."
The moment he saw her, his confusion clearly deepened. He quietly took a seat and, staring at the floor, seemed lost in thought. These oddities stopped me from asking about the letter. Soon, the group shifted their focus from what they were discussing to Wieland. They figured he was just waiting for a break in the conversation to bring out the letter. That break never came from him. Finally, Pleyel said, "Well, I guess you’ve found the letter."
"No," said he, without any abatement of his gravity, and looking stedfastly at his wife, "I did not mount the hill."—"Why not?"—"Catharine, have you not moved from that spot since I left the room?"—She was affected with the solemnity of his manner, and laying down her work, answered in a tone of surprise, "No; Why do you ask that question?"—His eyes were again fixed upon the floor, and he did not immediately answer. At length, he said, looking round upon us, "Is it true that Catharine did not follow me to the hill? That she did not just now enter the room?"—We assured him, with one voice, that she had not been absent for a moment, and inquired into the motive of his questions.
"No," he said, still serious, looking intently at his wife, "I didn't go up the hill."—"Why not?"—"Catharine, haven’t you moved from that spot since I left the room?"—She was taken aback by the seriousness of his tone and, putting down her work, replied in surprise, "No; why do you ask that?"—His gaze fell to the floor again, and he didn’t answer right away. Finally, he said, looking around at us, "Is it true that Catharine didn’t follow me to the hill? That she hasn’t just walked into the room?"—We all nodded in agreement, confirming that she hadn’t been gone at all, and asked why he was questioning her.
"Your assurances," said he, "are solemn and unanimous; and yet I must deny credit to your assertions, or disbelieve the testimony of my senses, which informed me, when I was half way up the hill, that Catharine was at the bottom."
"Your promises," he said, "are serious and agreed upon; and yet I have to doubt your claims, or not trust what my senses told me when I was halfway up the hill, that Catharine was at the bottom."
We were confounded at this declaration. Pleyel rallied him with great levity on his behaviour. He listened to his friend with calmness, but without any relaxation of features.
We were shocked by this statement. Pleyel teased him lightly about his behavior. He listened to his friend with composure, but his expression didn't change at all.
"One thing," said he with emphasis, "is true; either I heard my wife's voice at the bottom of the hill, or I do not hear your voice at present."
"One thing," he said insistently, "is true; either I heard my wife's voice at the bottom of the hill, or I'm not hearing your voice right now."
"Truly," returned Pleyel, "it is a sad dilemma to which you have reduced yourself. Certain it is, if our eyes can give us certainty that your wife has been sitting in that spot during every moment of your absence. You have heard her voice, you say, upon the hill. In general, her voice, like her temper, is all softness. To be heard across the room, she is obliged to exert herself. While you were gone, if I mistake not, she did not utter a word. Clara and I had all the talk to ourselves. Still it may be that she held a whispering conference with you on the hill; but tell us the particulars."
"Honestly," Pleyel replied, "you’ve really put yourself in a tough spot. It's clear that, if we can trust our eyes, your wife has been in that same place the entire time you've been gone. You say you've heard her voice on the hill. Usually, her voice, like her mood, is quite gentle. She needs to make an effort just to be heard from across the room. While you were away, if I'm not mistaken, she didn't say a word. Clara and I did all the talking. Still, it’s possible she had a quiet conversation with you on the hill; so please, tell us the details."
"The conference," said he, "was short; and far from being carried on in a whisper. You know with what intention I left the house. Half way to the rock, the moon was for a moment hidden from us by a cloud. I never knew the air to be more bland and more calm. In this interval I glanced at the temple, and thought I saw a glimmering between the columns. It was so faint, that it would not perhaps have been visible, if the moon had not been shrowded. I looked again, but saw nothing. I never visit this building alone, or at night, without being reminded of the fate of my father. There was nothing wonderful in this appearance; yet it suggested something more than mere solitude and darkness in the same place would have done.
"The conference," he said, "was brief and definitely not held in whispers. You know why I left the house. Halfway to the rock, the moon was briefly hidden by a cloud. I've never experienced the air to be this mild and calm. During that moment, I glanced at the temple and thought I saw a flicker between the columns. It was so faint that it might not have been noticeable if the moon hadn't been obscured. I looked again but saw nothing. I never visit this building alone or at night without being reminded of my father's fate. There was nothing extraordinary about that sight; yet it hinted at something more than just solitude and darkness in the same place would have done."
"I kept on my way. The images that haunted me were solemn; and I entertained an imperfect curiosity, but no fear, as to the nature of this object. I had ascended the hill little more than half way, when a voice called me from behind. The accents were clear, distinct, powerful, and were uttered, as I fully believed, by my wife. Her voice is not commonly so loud. She has seldom occasion to exert it, but, nevertheless, I have sometimes heard her call with force and eagerness. If my ear was not deceived, it was her voice which I heard.
I continued on my path. The images that troubled me were serious, and I felt a mix of curiosity and no fear about what this object could be. I had climbed the hill to just over halfway when I heard a voice calling me from behind. The tone was clear, distinct, and strong, and I was convinced it was my wife's voice. She doesn't usually speak that loudly. She rarely needs to raise her voice, but I've occasionally heard her call out with intensity. If my hearing wasn't mistaken, it was definitely her voice I heard.
"Stop, go no further. There is danger in your path." The suddenness and unexpectedness of this warning, the tone of alarm with which it was given, and, above all, the persuasion that it was my wife who spoke, were enough to disconcert and make me pause. I turned and listened to assure myself that I was not mistaken. The deepest silence succeeded. At length, I spoke in my turn. Who calls? is it you, Catharine? I stopped and presently received an answer. "Yes, it is I; go not up; return instantly; you are wanted at the house." Still the voice was Catharine's, and still it proceeded from the foot of the stairs.
"Stop, don’t go any further. There’s danger in your way." The suddenness and unexpectedness of that warning, the alarm in the tone it was delivered, and, most importantly, the feeling that it was my wife speaking, were enough to throw me off and make me hesitate. I turned and listened to make sure I wasn’t mistaken. A deep silence followed. Finally, I asked, "Who’s calling? Is it you, Catharine?" I paused and soon received a response. "Yes, it’s me; don’t go up; come back right away; you’re needed at the house." The voice was still Catharine’s, and it still came from the bottom of the stairs.
"What could I do? The warning was mysterious. To be uttered by Catharine at a place, and on an occasion like these, enhanced the mystery. I could do nothing but obey. Accordingly, I trod back my steps, expecting that she waited for me at the bottom of the hill. When I reached the bottom, no one was visible. The moon-light was once more universal and brilliant, and yet, as far as I could see no human or moving figure was discernible. If she had returned to the house, she must have used wondrous expedition to have passed already beyond the reach of my eye. I exerted my voice, but in vain. To my repeated exclamations, no answer was returned.
"What could I do? The warning was mysterious. Hearing it from Catharine at a place and time like this only added to the mystery. I had no choice but to obey. So, I turned back, expecting she was waiting for me at the bottom of the hill. When I got there, no one was in sight. The moonlight was once again bright and illuminating, yet as far as I could see, there was no sign of any human presence or movement. If she had gone back to the house, she must have moved incredibly fast to be out of my sight so soon. I called out, but it was useless. No one responded to my repeated calls."
"Ruminating on these incidents, I returned hither. There was no room to doubt that I had heard my wife's voice; attending incidents were not easily explained; but you now assure me that nothing extraordinary has happened to urge my return, and that my wife has not moved from her seat."
"Thinking about these incidents, I came back here. There was no doubt that I had heard my wife's voice; the related events were not easily explained. But you now assure me that nothing unusual has happened to make me return, and that my wife hasn’t left her seat."
Such was my brother's narrative. It was heard by us with different emotions. Pleyel did not scruple to regard the whole as a deception of the senses. Perhaps a voice had been heard; but Wieland's imagination had misled him in supposing a resemblance to that of his wife, and giving such a signification to the sounds. According to his custom he spoke what he thought. Sometimes, he made it the theme of grave discussion, but more frequently treated it with ridicule. He did not believe that sober reasoning would convince his friend, and gaiety, he thought, was useful to take away the solemnities which, in a mind like Wieland's, an accident of this kind was calculated to produce.
That was my brother's story. We all had different feelings about it. Pleyel didn’t hesitate to see it all as a trick of the senses. Maybe a voice was heard, but he believed Wieland's imagination had tricked him into thinking it sounded like his wife and gave meaning to those sounds. True to his nature, he said what he thought. Sometimes, he turned it into a serious topic, but more often he made fun of it. He didn’t think rational arguments would change his friend’s mind, and he felt that lightheartedness might help ease the seriousness that an event like this could create in someone like Wieland.
Pleyel proposed to go in search of the letter. He went and speedily returned, bearing it in his hand. He had found it open on the pedestal; and neither voice nor visage had risen to impede his design.
Pleyel suggested going to look for the letter. He went and quickly came back, holding it in his hand. He had found it open on the pedestal, and there was no voice or face to stop him from doing so.
Catharine was endowed with an uncommon portion of good sense; but her mind was accessible, on this quarter, to wonder and panic. That her voice should be thus inexplicably and unwarrantably assumed, was a source of no small disquietude. She admitted the plausibility of the arguments by which Pleyel endeavoured to prove, that this was no more than an auricular deception; but this conviction was sure to be shaken, when she turned her eyes upon her husband, and perceived that Pleyel's logic was far from having produced the same effect upon him.
Catharine had a rare amount of common sense, but she was also prone to wonder and anxiety. The fact that her voice was so inexplicably and unjustifiably taken over bothered her a lot. She could see how convincing Pleyel’s arguments were that this was just an auditory illusion; however, her belief would always waver when she looked at her husband and noticed that Pleyel's reasoning didn't seem to impact him in the same way.
As to myself, my attention was engaged by this occurrence. I could not fail to perceive a shadowy resemblance between it and my father's death. On the latter event, I had frequently reflected; my reflections never conducted me to certainty, but the doubts that existed were not of a tormenting kind. I could not deny that the event was miraculous, and yet I was invincibly averse to that method of solution. My wonder was excited by the inscrutableness of the cause, but my wonder was unmixed with sorrow or fear. It begat in me a thrilling, and not unpleasing solemnity. Similar to these were the sensations produced by the recent adventure.
As for me, I was really drawn in by what had happened. I couldn't help but notice a vague similarity between it and my father's death. I had thought about that event many times; my thoughts never led me to any clear answers, but the doubts I had weren’t particularly distressing. I couldn’t deny that what happened was miraculous, but I was firmly opposed to that explanation. I was fascinated by the mystery of the cause, but my curiosity wasn’t mixed with any sadness or fear. Instead, it inspired a thrilling and somewhat enjoyable sense of solemnity. I felt something similar from the recent incident.
But its effect upon my brother's imagination was of chief moment. All that was desirable was, that it should be regarded by him with indifference. The worst effect that could flow, was not indeed very formidable. Yet I could not bear to think that his senses should be the victims of such delusion. It argued a diseased condition of his frame, which might show itself hereafter in more dangerous symptoms. The will is the tool of the understanding, which must fashion its conclusions on the notices of sense. If the senses be depraved, it is impossible to calculate the evils that may flow from the consequent deductions of the understanding.
But the impact on my brother's imagination was the most important thing. All I wanted was for him to see it with indifference. The worst outcome wouldn’t be too serious, but I couldn’t stand the thought of him falling for such a delusion. It suggested a troubled state of his mind, which might later reveal more serious issues. The will is the tool of understanding, which must shape its conclusions based on sensory input. If the senses are corrupted, it’s impossible to predict the harm that could come from the resulting conclusions.
I said, this man is of an ardent and melancholy character. Those ideas which, in others, are casual or obscure, which are entertained in moments of abstraction and solitude, and easily escape when the scene is changed, have obtained an immoveable hold upon his mind. The conclusions which long habit has rendered familiar, and, in some sort, palpable to his intellect, are drawn from the deepest sources. All his actions and practical sentiments are linked with long and abstruse deductions from the system of divine government and the laws of our intellectual constitution. He is, in some respects, an enthusiast, but is fortified in his belief by innumerable arguments and subtilties.
I said this man has a passionate and gloomy personality. The thoughts that others may see as fleeting or unclear, which come up in moments of deep thought and solitude and disappear with a change of scenery, have a firm grip on his mind. The conclusions he has drawn, which he has come to know well over time, come from profound sources. Everything he does and believes is connected to complex reasoning about divine governance and the principles of our mental makeup. In some ways, he’s an enthusiast, but his beliefs are backed by countless arguments and nuances.
His father's death was always regarded by him as flowing from a direct and supernatural decree. It visited his meditations oftener than it did mine. The traces which it left were more gloomy and permanent. This new incident had a visible effect in augmenting his gravity. He was less disposed than formerly to converse and reading. When we sifted his thoughts, they were generally found to have a relation, more or less direct, with this incident. It was difficult to ascertain the exact species of impression which it made upon him. He never introduced the subject into conversation, and listened with a silent and half-serious smile to the satirical effusions of Pleyel.
His father's death always felt to him like it came from a direct and supernatural command. It occupied his thoughts more often than it did mine. The marks it left were darker and more lasting. This new event clearly made him more serious. He was less inclined than before to talk and read. When we dug into his thoughts, they usually had a connection, more or less direct, to this event. It was hard to determine the exact kind of impact it had on him. He never brought up the topic in conversation and listened with a quiet and somewhat serious smile to Pleyel's sarcastic comments.
One evening we chanced to be alone together in the temple. I seized that opportunity of investigating the state of his thoughts. After a pause, which he seemed in no wise inclined to interrupt, I spoke to him—"How almost palpable is this dark; yet a ray from above would dispel it." "Ay," said Wieland, with fervor, "not only the physical, but moral night would be dispelled." "But why," said I, "must the Divine Will address its precepts to the eye?" He smiled significantly. "True," said he, "the understanding has other avenues." "You have never," said I, approaching nearer to the point—"you have never told me in what way you considered the late extraordinary incident." "There is no determinate way in which the subject can be viewed. Here is an effect, but the cause is utterly inscrutable. To suppose a deception will not do. Such is possible, but there are twenty other suppositions more probable. They must all be set aside before we reach that point." "What are these twenty suppositions?" "It is needless to mention them. They are only less improbable than Pleyel's. Time may convert one of them into certainty. Till then it is useless to expatiate on them."
One evening, we happened to be alone in the temple. I took that chance to dig into what he was thinking. After a pause, which he seemed content to let hang, I said to him, "This darkness feels almost tangible; yet a ray from above could clear it away." "Yes," Wieland replied passionately, "not just the physical darkness, but moral darkness would be lifted too." "But why," I asked, "must the Divine Will communicate its guidance visually?" He smiled knowingly. "True," he said, "the mind has other ways of understanding." "You've never," I continued, moving closer to the main point, "shared with me how you see that unusual incident that happened recently." "There isn't a definitive way to view it. We have an effect, but the cause is completely enigmatic. Assuming it was a deception isn't enough. That’s possible, but there are at least twenty other explanations that are more likely. We need to rule them all out before considering that." "What are those twenty explanations?" "There's no need to go into them. They’re just less unlikely than Pleyel’s. Time might turn one of them into certainty. Until then, it’s pointless to discuss them."
Chapter V
Some time had elapsed when there happened another occurrence, still more remarkable. Pleyel, on his return from Europe, brought information of considerable importance to my brother. My ancestors were noble Saxons, and possessed large domains in Lusatia. The Prussian wars had destroyed those persons whose right to these estates precluded my brother's. Pleyel had been exact in his inquiries, and had discovered that, by the law of male-primogeniture, my brother's claims were superior to those of any other person now living. Nothing was wanting but his presence in that country, and a legal application to establish this claim.
Some time passed when another significant event occurred. Pleyel, returning from Europe, brought important news to my brother. My ancestors were noble Saxons and owned large estates in Lusatia. The Prussian wars had wiped out those who had the legitimate claim to these lands, which had prevented my brother from inheriting them. Pleyel had been thorough in his investigations and found out that, according to the law of male primogeniture, my brother's claims were stronger than anyone else's still alive. All that was needed was for him to be present in that country and to formally apply to establish this claim.
Pleyel strenuously recommended this measure. The advantages he thought attending it were numerous, and it would argue the utmost folly to neglect them. Contrary to his expectation he found my brother averse to the scheme. Slight efforts, he, at first, thought would subdue his reluctance; but he found this aversion by no means slight. The interest that he took in the happiness of his friend and his sister, and his own partiality to the Saxon soil, from which he had likewise sprung, and where he had spent several years of his youth, made him redouble his exertions to win Wieland's consent. For this end he employed every argument that his invention could suggest. He painted, in attractive colours, the state of manners and government in that country, the security of civil rights, and the freedom of religious sentiments. He dwelt on the privileges of wealth and rank, and drew from the servile condition of one class, an argument in favor of his scheme, since the revenue and power annexed to a German principality afford so large a field for benevolence. The evil flowing from this power, in malignant hands, was proportioned to the good that would arise from the virtuous use of it. Hence, Wieland, in forbearing to claim his own, withheld all the positive felicity that would accrue to his vassals from his success, and hazarded all the misery that would redound from a less enlightened proprietor.
Pleyel strongly recommended this plan. He believed there were many benefits to it, and it would be incredibly foolish to ignore them. Contrary to his expectations, he found my brother opposed to the idea. He initially thought that small efforts would overcome his reluctance, but he soon realized this aversion was significant. His concern for the happiness of his friend and sister, along with his own fondness for the Saxon land—where he had also grown up and spent several years of his youth—made him double his efforts to get Wieland's agreement. To achieve this, he used every argument he could think of. He vividly described the culture and government of that country, the security of civil rights, and the freedom of religious beliefs. He highlighted the advantages of wealth and social status and argued that the subservient nature of one class provided a strong reason for his proposal, as the revenue and power that came with a German principality offered ample opportunities for generosity. The potential harm from this power in the wrong hands was matched by the good that could come from its virtuous use. Thus, by not claiming what was rightfully his, Wieland deprived his vassals of all the happiness that would come from his success and risked all the misery that might follow from a less enlightened owner.
It was easy for my brother to repel these arguments, and to shew that no spot on the globe enjoyed equal security and liberty to that which he at present inhabited. That if the Saxons had nothing to fear from mis-government, the external causes of havoc and alarm were numerous and manifest. The recent devastations committed by the Prussians furnished a specimen of these. The horrors of war would always impend over them, till Germany were seized and divided by Austrian and Prussian tyrants; an event which he strongly suspected was at no great distance. But setting these considerations aside, was it laudable to grasp at wealth and power even when they were within our reach? Were not these the two great sources of depravity? What security had he, that in this change of place and condition, he should not degenerate into a tyrant and voluptuary? Power and riches were chiefly to be dreaded on account of their tendency to deprave the possessor. He held them in abhorrence, not only as instruments of misery to others, but to him on whom they were conferred. Besides, riches were comparative, and was he not rich already? He lived at present in the bosom of security and luxury. All the instruments of pleasure, on which his reason or imagination set any value, were within his reach. But these he must forego, for the sake of advantages which, whatever were their value, were as yet uncertain. In pursuit of an imaginary addition to his wealth, he must reduce himself to poverty, he must exchange present certainties for what was distant and contingent; for who knows not that the law is a system of expence, delay and uncertainty? If he should embrace this scheme, it would lay him under the necessity of making a voyage to Europe, and remaining for a certain period, separate from his family. He must undergo the perils and discomforts of the ocean; he must divest himself of all domestic pleasures; he must deprive his wife of her companion, and his children of a father and instructor, and all for what? For the ambiguous advantages which overgrown wealth and flagitious tyranny have to bestow? For a precarious possession in a land of turbulence and war? Advantages, which will not certainly be gained, and of which the acquisition, if it were sure, is necessarily distant.
My brother easily dismissed these arguments and showed that no place on Earth enjoyed the same security and freedom as where he currently lived. If the Saxons had nothing to fear from bad governance, there were plenty of external threats and dangers to worry about. The recent destruction brought by the Prussians was a clear example of this. The horrors of war would always loom over them until Germany was taken and divided by Austrian and Prussian rulers—a scenario he suspected was not far off. But putting those thoughts aside, was it really admirable to seek wealth and power simply because they were within reach? Weren't these the two main sources of corruption? What guarantee did he have that in this change of place and circumstances he wouldn’t turn into a tyrant and hedonist? Power and wealth were mostly to be feared because of how they could corrupt the person who held them. He despised them, not just for the misery they caused others, but for the harm they could bring to him as well. Moreover, wealth was relative—wasn't he already well off? He was currently living in comfort and security. All the pleasures he valued in his mind or heart were available to him. Yet he would have to give these up for the sake of uncertain benefits, whatever those might be. In chasing an illusory increase in wealth, he would risk becoming poor, exchanging present certainties for something distant and uncertain; after all, who doesn’t know that the law comes with costs, delays, and uncertainty? If he followed this plan, it would force him to make a journey to Europe and spend time away from his family. He would face the dangers and discomforts of the sea, give up all domestic joys, take away his wife’s companion, and deprive his children of a father and teacher—all for what? For the uncertain benefits that come with excessive wealth and ruthless tyranny? For a fragile hold in a land filled with chaos and war? Benefits that are not guaranteed and, even if they were, would take time to obtain.
Pleyel was enamoured of his scheme on account of its intrinsic benefits, but, likewise, for other reasons. His abode at Leipsig made that country appear to him like home. He was connected with this place by many social ties. While there he had not escaped the amorous contagion. But the lady, though her heart was impressed in his favor, was compelled to bestow her hand upon another. Death had removed this impediment, and he was now invited by the lady herself to return. This he was of course determined to do, but was anxious to obtain the company of Wieland; he could not bear to think of an eternal separation from his present associates. Their interest, he thought, would be no less promoted by the change than his own. Hence he was importunate and indefatigable in his arguments and solicitations.
Pleyel was really taken with his plan because of its true benefits, but for other reasons as well. Living in Leipzig made that place feel like home to him. He had many social connections there. While living there, he had not escaped the influence of love. The woman, although her heart was drawn to him, was forced to marry someone else. But now that death had removed that barrier, she had invited him to come back. He was definitely going to do that, but he also wanted Wieland to join him; he couldn’t stand the thought of being permanently separated from his current friends. He believed that the change would benefit both them and him. So, he was persistent and tireless in his pleas and arguments.
He knew that he could not hope for mine or his sister's ready concurrence in this scheme. Should the subject be mentioned to us, we should league our efforts against him, and strengthen that reluctance in Wieland which already was sufficiently difficult to conquer. He, therefore, anxiously concealed from us his purpose. If Wieland were previously enlisted in his cause, he would find it a less difficult task to overcome our aversion. My brother was silent on this subject, because he believed himself in no danger of changing his opinion, and he was willing to save us from any uneasiness. The mere mention of such a scheme, and the possibility of his embracing it, he knew, would considerably impair our tranquillity.
He realized that he couldn't count on me or his sister to agree easily with this plan. If we found out about it, we would join forces against him and make Wieland's reluctance even harder to overcome. So, he nervously kept his intentions hidden from us. If he could get Wieland on his side first, it would be easier to deal with our objections. My brother didn't bring it up because he thought he was safe from changing his mind, and he wanted to spare us any worry. He knew that just mentioning such a plan and the chance of him going along with it would really disturb our peace of mind.
One day, about three weeks subsequent to the mysterious call, it was agreed that the family should be my guests. Seldom had a day been passed by us, of more serene enjoyment. Pleyel had promised us his company, but we did not see him till the sun had nearly declined. He brought with him a countenance that betokened disappointment and vexation. He did not wait for our inquiries, but immediately explained the cause. Two days before a packet had arrived from Hamburgh, by which he had flattered himself with the expectation of receiving letters, but no letters had arrived. I never saw him so much subdued by an untoward event. His thoughts were employed in accounting for the silence of his friends. He was seized with the torments of jealousy, and suspected nothing less than the infidelity of her to whom he had devoted his heart. The silence must have been concerted. Her sickness, or absence, or death, would have increased the certainty of some one's having written. No supposition could be formed but that his mistress had grown indifferent, or that she had transferred her affections to another. The miscarriage of a letter was hardly within the reach of possibility. From Leipsig to Hamburgh, and from Hamburgh hither, the conveyance was exposed to no hazard.
One day, about three weeks after the mysterious call, it was decided that the family would be my guests. Rarely had we experienced a day of such peaceful enjoyment. Pleyel had promised to join us, but we didn’t see him until the sun was almost setting. When he arrived, he wore a look that showed disappointment and frustration. Without waiting for us to ask, he immediately explained what was wrong. Two days earlier, a package had arrived from Hamburg, which made him hopeful for some letters, but there were none. I had never seen him so affected by an unfortunate event. His mind was occupied with trying to understand the silence from his friends. He was overwhelmed with jealousy and suspected nothing less than the betrayal of the woman he loved. The silence had to be deliberate. Her illness, absence, or even death would have made it more likely that someone would have written. The only conclusion he could draw was that his mistress had become indifferent or that she had found someone else. The chance of a letter being lost seemed almost impossible. From Leipzig to Hamburg, and from Hamburg to here, the mail was not at risk of any issues.
He had been so long detained in America chiefly in consequence of Wieland's aversion to the scheme which he proposed. He now became more impatient than ever to return to Europe. When he reflected that, by his delays, he had probably forfeited the affections of his mistress, his sensations amounted to agony. It only remained, by his speedy departure, to repair, if possible, or prevent so intolerable an evil. Already he had half resolved to embark in this very ship which, he was informed, would set out in a few weeks on her return.
He had been stuck in America for so long mainly because of Wieland's disapproval of his plan. Now, he was more eager than ever to go back to Europe. The thought that his delays might have cost him the love of his girlfriend filled him with anguish. The only thing left for him to do was to leave quickly to fix or avoid such an unbearable situation. He was already half-decided to board this very ship, which he had heard would be leaving in a few weeks on its return journey.
Meanwhile he determined to make a new attempt to shake the resolution of Wieland. The evening was somewhat advanced when he invited the latter to walk abroad with him. The invitation was accepted, and they left Catharine, Louisa and me, to amuse ourselves by the best means in our power. During this walk, Pleyel renewed the subject that was nearest his heart. He re-urged all his former arguments, and placed them in more forcible lights.
Meanwhile, he decided to try again to change Wieland's mind. It was getting late in the evening when he invited Wieland to take a walk with him. Wieland accepted the invitation, leaving Catharine, Louisa, and me to entertain ourselves as best we could. During the walk, Pleyel brought up the topic that mattered most to him again. He reiterated all his previous arguments and presented them in a more compelling way.
They promised to return shortly; but hour after hour passed, and they made not their appearance. Engaged in sprightly conversation, it was not till the clock struck twelve that we were reminded of the lapse of time. The absence of our friends excited some uneasy apprehensions. We were expressing our fears, and comparing our conjectures as to what might be the cause, when they entered together. There were indications in their countenances that struck me mute. These were unnoticed by Catharine, who was eager to express her surprize and curiosity at the length of their walk. As they listened to her, I remarked that their surprize was not less than ours. They gazed in silence on each other, and on her. I watched their looks, but could not understand the emotions that were written in them.
They promised to be back soon, but hour after hour went by without them. Caught up in lively conversation, we only realized how much time had passed when the clock struck twelve. The absence of our friends started to make us feel uneasy. We were voicing our worries and speculating about what could have delayed them when they finally walked in together. There were expressions on their faces that left me speechless. Catharine, however, didn't notice and was eager to share her surprise and curiosity about their long walk. As they listened to her, I noticed their surprise matched ours. They looked at each other and at her in silence. I studied their expressions, but I couldn't grasp the emotions behind them.
These appearances diverted Catharine's inquiries into a new channel. What did they mean, she asked, by their silence, and by their thus gazing wildly at each other, and at her? Pleyel profited by this hint, and assuming an air of indifference, framed some trifling excuse, at the same time darting significant glances at Wieland, as if to caution him against disclosing the truth. My brother said nothing, but delivered himself up to meditation. I likewise was silent, but burned with impatience to fathom this mystery. Presently my brother and his wife, and Louisa, returned home. Pleyel proposed, of his own accord, to be my guest for the night. This circumstance, in addition to those which preceded, gave new edge to my wonder.
These events shifted Catharine's questions in a different direction. What did their silence mean, she wondered, as they looked at each other and at her in confusion? Pleyel picked up on this hint and, acting indifferent, came up with a silly excuse while throwing pointed looks at Wieland, as if warning him not to reveal the truth. My brother said nothing and fell into deep thought. I also stayed quiet, but I was eager to uncover this mystery. Soon, my brother, his wife, and Louisa came back home. Pleyel volunteered to stay the night as my guest. This situation, along with the previous ones, only added to my curiosity.
As soon as we were left alone, Pleyel's countenance assumed an air of seriousness, and even consternation, which I had never before beheld in him. The steps with which he measured the floor betokened the trouble of his thoughts. My inquiries were suspended by the hope that he would give me the information that I wanted without the importunity of questions. I waited some time, but the confusion of his thoughts appeared in no degree to abate. At length I mentioned the apprehensions which their unusual absence had occasioned, and which were increased by their behaviour since their return, and solicited an explanation. He stopped when I began to speak, and looked stedfastly at me. When I had done, he said, to me, in a tone which faultered through the vehemence of his emotions, "How were you employed during our absence?" "In turning over the Della Crusca dictionary, and talking on different subjects; but just before your entrance, we were tormenting ourselves with omens and prognosticks relative to your absence." "Catherine was with you the whole time?" "Yes." "But are you sure?" "Most sure. She was not absent a moment." He stood, for a time, as if to assure himself of my sincerity. Then, clinching his hands, and wildly lifting them above his head, "Lo," cried he, "I have news to tell you. The Baroness de Stolberg is dead?"
As soon as we were alone, Pleyel's face took on a serious and even worried expression that I had never seen in him before. The way he paced across the floor showed how troubled his thoughts were. I held back my questions, hoping he would share the information I needed without me having to ask. I waited for a while, but his confusion didn’t seem to lessen at all. Finally, I brought up the worries caused by their unusual absence, which had grown due to their behavior since returning, and asked for an explanation. He stopped when I began speaking and stared at me intently. Once I finished, he said, his voice shaking with emotion, "What were you doing while we were gone?" "I was flipping through the Della Crusca dictionary and discussing various topics; but just before you arrived, we were worrying about omens and predictions related to your absence." "Catherine was with you the entire time?" "Yes." "Are you sure?" "Absolutely sure. She didn't leave for a second." He stood there for a moment as if trying to confirm my honesty. Then, clenching his fists and raising them wildly above his head, he exclaimed, "Listen, I have news to share. The Baroness de Stolberg is dead?"
This was her whom he loved. I was not surprised at the agitations which he betrayed. "But how was the information procured? How was the truth of this news connected with the circumstance of Catharine's remaining in our company?" He was for some time inattentive to my questions. When he spoke, it seemed merely a continuation of the reverie into which he had been plunged.
This was the person he loved. I wasn't surprised by the emotions he showed. "But how did you find out? How is this news related to Catharine staying with us?" For a while, he didn't pay attention to my questions. When he finally spoke, it felt like he was just continuing the daydream he had been lost in.
"And yet it might be a mere deception. But could both of us in that case have been deceived? A rare and prodigious coincidence! Barely not impossible. And yet, if the accent be oracular—Theresa is dead. No, no," continued he, covering his face with his hands, and in a tone half broken into sobs, "I cannot believe it. She has not written, but if she were dead, the faithful Bertrand would have given me the earliest information. And yet if he knew his master, he must have easily guessed at the effect of such tidings. In pity to me he was silent."
"And yet it could just be a trick. But could we both have been fooled? Such a rare and incredible coincidence! Almost impossible. And yet, if the tone is prophetic—Theresa is dead. No, no," he continued, covering his face with his hands, his voice breaking into sobs, "I can’t believe it. She hasn’t written, but if she were dead, loyal Bertrand would have told me right away. And yet, if he knew his master, he must have easily figured out how devastating that news would be. Out of compassion for me, he kept quiet."
"Clara, forgive me; to you, this behaviour is mysterious. I will explain as well as I am able. But say not a word to Catharine. Her strength of mind is inferior to your's. She will, besides, have more reason to be startled. She is Wieland's angel."
"Clara, please forgive me; I know this behavior seems strange to you. I'll explain as best as I can. But don't say anything to Catharine. She's not as strong-minded as you are. Plus, she would have more reason to be shocked. She is Wieland's angel."
Pleyel proceeded to inform me, for the first time, of the scheme which he had pressed, with so much earnestness, on my brother. He enumerated the objections which had been made, and the industry with which he had endeavoured to confute them. He mentioned the effect upon his resolutions produced by the failure of a letter. "During our late walk," continued he, "I introduced the subject that was nearest my heart. I re-urged all my former arguments, and placed them in more forcible lights. Wieland was still refractory. He expatiated on the perils of wealth and power, on the sacredness of conjugal and parental duties, and the happiness of mediocrity.
Pleyel told me, for the first time, about the plan he had been pushing so passionately on my brother. He listed the objections that had been raised and the effort he had made to refute them. He mentioned how the failure of a letter impacted his resolve. "During our recent walk," he continued, "I brought up the topic that mattered most to me. I reiterated all my previous arguments and presented them in stronger terms. Wieland was still resistant. He went on about the dangers of wealth and power, the importance of marital and parental responsibilities, and the joy found in a simple life."
"No wonder that the time passed, unperceived, away. Our whole souls were engaged in this cause. Several times we came to the foot of the rock; as soon as we perceived it, we changed our course, but never failed to terminate our circuitous and devious ramble at this spot. At length your brother observed, 'We seem to be led hither by a kind of fatality. Since we are so near, let us ascend and rest ourselves a while. If you are not weary of this argument we will resume it there.'
"No surprise that time flew by without us noticing. We were completely invested in this cause. Several times we found ourselves at the base of the rock; as soon as we realized it, we changed direction, but we always ended up coming back to this spot. Eventually, your brother remarked, 'It feels like we're being guided here by some kind of fate. Since we're so close, let's climb up and take a break for a bit. If you’re not tired of this discussion, we can continue it there.'"
"I tacitly consented. We mounted the stairs, and drawing the sofa in front of the river, we seated ourselves upon it. I took up the thread of our discourse where we had dropped it. I ridiculed his dread of the sea, and his attachment to home. I kept on in this strain, so congenial with my disposition, for some time, uninterrupted by him. At length, he said to me, "Suppose now that I, whom argument has not convinced, should yield to ridicule, and should agree that your scheme is eligible; what will you have gained? Nothing. You have other enemies beside myself to encounter. When you have vanquished me, your toil has scarcely begun. There are my sister and wife, with whom it will remain for you to maintain the contest. And trust me, they are adversaries whom all your force and stratagem will never subdue." I insinuated that they would model themselves by his will: that Catharine would think obedience her duty. He answered, with some quickness, "You mistake. Their concurrence is indispensable. It is not my custom to exact sacrifices of this kind. I live to be their protector and friend, and not their tyrant and foe. If my wife shall deem her happiness, and that of her children, most consulted by remaining where she is, here she shall remain." "But," said I, "when she knows your pleasure, will she not conform to it?" Before my friend had time to answer this question, a negative was clearly and distinctly uttered from another quarter. It did not come from one side or the other, from before us or behind. Whence then did it come? By whose organs was it fashioned?
I silently agreed. We went up the stairs, and moving the sofa in front of the river, we sat down on it. I picked up our conversation where we had left off. I mocked his fear of the sea and his love for home. I continued this way, which suited my personality, for a while without interruption from him. At last, he said to me, "What if I, who hasn’t been convinced by arguments, give in to ridicule and agree that your plan is good; what will you have achieved? Nothing. You have other opponents besides me to deal with. Once you’ve defeated me, your hard work has barely started. There are my sister and wife, with whom you will still have to contend. And believe me, they are foes that all your strength and tricks will never defeat." I suggested that they would follow his lead: that Catharine would see obedience as her duty. He responded quickly, "You're mistaken. Their agreement is essential. I don’t expect sacrifices like these. I live to be their protector and friend, not their tyrant and enemy. If my wife believes her happiness, and that of her children, is best served by staying where she is, then that’s where she will stay." "But," I said, "once she knows what you want, won’t she go along with it?" Before my friend could respond to this question, a clear and distinct "no" came from another direction. It didn’t come from one side or the other, or from in front of us or behind. So where did it come from? Whose voice was it?
"If any uncertainty had existed with regard to these particulars, it would have been removed by a deliberate and equally distinct repetition of the same monosyllable, "No." The voice was my sister's. It appeared to come from the roof. I started from my seat. Catharine, exclaimed I, where are you? No answer was returned. I searched the room, and the area before it, but in vain. Your brother was motionless in his seat. I returned to him, and placed myself again by his side. My astonishment was not less than his."
"If there had been any doubt about these details, it would have been cleared up by a clear and intentional repetition of the same one-word answer, 'No.' The voice was my sister's. It sounded like it came from above. I jumped up from my seat. 'Catharine,' I called out, 'where are you?' There was no response. I looked around the room and the area outside it, but found nothing. Your brother was sitting still in his seat. I went back to him and sat down by his side again. My surprise was just as great as his."
"Well," said he, at length, "What think you of this? This is the self-same voice which I formerly heard; you are now convinced that my ears were well informed."
"Well," he said after a moment, "What do you think about this? This is the same voice I heard before; now you're convinced that I heard correctly."
"Yes," said I, "this, it is plain, is no fiction of the fancy." We again sunk into mutual and thoughtful silence. A recollection of the hour, and of the length of our absence, made me at last propose to return. We rose up for this purpose. In doing this, my mind reverted to the contemplation of my own condition. "Yes," said I aloud, but without particularly addressing myself to Wieland, "my resolution is taken. I cannot hope to prevail with my friends to accompany me. They may doze away their days on the banks of Schuylkill, but as to me, I go in the next vessel; I will fly to her presence, and demand the reason of this extraordinary silence."
"Yes," I said, "it's clear this is no figment of imagination." We fell back into a thoughtful silence. Remembering how long we had been gone, I finally suggested we head back. We stood up for this reason. As we did, my thoughts drifted to my own situation. "Yes," I said out loud, but not really directing it at Wieland, "I've made my decision. I can't expect my friends to join me. They may spend their days lounging by the Schuylkill River, but as for me, I'm taking the next ship; I will rush to her and demand to know why she's been silent."
"I had scarcely finished the sentence, when the same mysterious voice exclaimed, "You shall not go. The seal of death is on her lips. Her silence is the silence of the tomb." Think of the effects which accents like these must have had upon me. I shuddered as I listened. As soon as I recovered from my first amazement, "Who is it that speaks?" said I, "whence did you procure these dismal tidings?" I did not wait long for an answer. "From a source that cannot fail. Be satisfied. She is dead." You may justly be surprised, that, in the circumstances in which I heard the tidings, and notwithstanding the mystery which environed him by whom they were imparted, I could give an undivided attention to the facts, which were the subject of our dialogue. I eagerly inquired, when and where did she die? What was the cause of her death? Was her death absolutely certain? An answer was returned only to the last of these questions. "Yes," was pronounced by the same voice; but it now sounded from a greater distance, and the deepest silence was all the return made to my subsequent interrogatories.
"I had barely finished the sentence when the same mysterious voice exclaimed, 'You shall not go. The seal of death is on her lips. Her silence is the silence of the tomb.' Just think about the effects that accents like these must have had on me. I shuddered as I listened. Once I recovered from my initial shock, I asked, 'Who is it that speaks? Where did you get this grim news?' I didn't wait long for a response. 'From a source that cannot fail. Be satisfied. She is dead.' You might be surprised that, given the circumstances under which I received this news and the mystery surrounding the person who delivered it, I could focus entirely on the facts of our conversation. I eagerly asked, when and where did she die? What was the cause of her death? Was her death absolutely certain? I only received an answer to the last question. 'Yes,' said the same voice, but it now sounded from further away, and the deepest silence was the only response to my subsequent inquiries."
"It was my sister's voice; but it could not be uttered by her; and yet, if not by her, by whom was it uttered? When we returned hither, and discovered you together, the doubt that had previously existed was removed. It was manifest that the intimation came not from her. Yet if not from her, from whom could it come? Are the circumstances attending the imparting of this news proof that the tidings are true? God forbid that they should be true."
"It was my sister's voice, but she couldn't have said it; yet if not her, then who? When we came back and found you two together, the doubt I had before was gone. It was clear that the message didn't come from her. But if it didn’t come from her, then who did it come from? Do the circumstances around delivering this news prove it's true? I hope to God it's not true."
Here Pleyel sunk into anxious silence, and gave me leisure to ruminate on this inexplicable event. I am at a loss to describe the sensations that affected me. I am not fearful of shadows. The tales of apparitions and enchantments did not possess that power over my belief which could even render them interesting. I saw nothing in them but ignorance and folly, and was a stranger even to that terror which is pleasing. But this incident was different from any that I had ever before known. Here were proofs of a sensible and intelligent existence, which could not be denied. Here was information obtained and imparted by means unquestionably super-human.
Here, Pleyel fell into anxious silence, giving me time to think about this puzzling event. I struggle to describe the feelings that overwhelmed me. I’m not afraid of shadows. Stories about ghosts and magic didn’t have any power over my beliefs that could make them even slightly interesting. I saw nothing in them but ignorance and foolishness, and I was unfamiliar even with that kind of fear that can be enjoyable. But this incident was unlike anything I had encountered before. There were clear signs of a sensible and intelligent presence that couldn’t be denied. Here was information that was gathered and shared through means that were undoubtedly beyond human abilities.
That there are conscious beings, beside ourselves, in existence, whose modes of activity and information surpass our own, can scarcely be denied. Is there a glimpse afforded us into a world of these superior beings? My heart was scarcely large enough to give admittance to so swelling a thought. An awe, the sweetest and most solemn that imagination can conceive, pervaded my whole frame. It forsook me not when I parted from Pleyel and retired to my chamber. An impulse was given to my spirits utterly incompatible with sleep. I passed the night wakeful and full of meditation. I was impressed with the belief of mysterious, but not of malignant agency. Hitherto nothing had occurred to persuade me that this airy minister was busy to evil rather than to good purposes. On the contrary, the idea of superior virtue had always been associated in my mind with that of superior power. The warnings that had thus been heard appeared to have been prompted by beneficent intentions. My brother had been hindered by this voice from ascending the hill. He was told that danger lurked in his path, and his obedience to the intimation had perhaps saved him from a destiny similar to that of my father.
It’s hard to deny that there are conscious beings, besides us, out there whose activities and knowledge go beyond our own. Do we get any hints of a world filled with these superior beings? My heart could hardly handle such a powerful thought. An awe, the sweetest and most serious my imagination could conjure, filled my entire being. It didn’t leave me even when I said goodbye to Pleyel and went to my room. A restless energy took over me, completely incompatible with sleep. I spent the night awake and deep in thought. I felt convinced that there was a mysterious, but not harmful, presence at work. So far, nothing had led me to believe that this unseen force was up to no good. On the contrary, I had always linked the idea of greater virtue with that of greater power. The warnings I had heard seemed to come from a place of goodwill. My brother was kept from climbing the hill by that voice. He was warned that danger was ahead, and his decision to listen may have saved him from a fate like my father's.
Pleyel had been rescued from tormenting uncertainty, and from the hazards and fatigues of a fruitless voyage, by the same interposition. It had assured him of the death of his Theresa.
Pleyel had been saved from the painful uncertainty and the dangers and exhaustion of a pointless journey by the same intervention. It had confirmed the death of his Theresa.
This woman was then dead. A confirmation of the tidings, if true, would speedily arrive. Was this confirmation to be deprecated or desired? By her death, the tie that attached him to Europe, was taken away. Henceforward every motive would combine to retain him in his native country, and we were rescued from the deep regrets that would accompany his hopeless absence from us. Propitious was the spirit that imparted these tidings. Propitious he would perhaps have been, if he had been instrumental in producing, as well as in communicating the tidings of her death. Propitious to us, the friends of Pleyel, to whom has thereby been secured the enjoyment of his society; and not unpropitious to himself; for though this object of his love be snatched away, is there not another who is able and willing to console him for her loss?
This woman was now dead. A confirmation of this news, if true, would arrive soon. Should this confirmation be welcomed or regretted? With her death, the connection that tied him to Europe was gone. From now on, every reason would encourage him to stay in his home country, and we would be spared the deep sorrow that would come with his hopeless absence from us. The spirit that brought this news was fortunate. He might have been fortunate if he had played a role in both bringing and sharing the news of her death. It was fortunate for us, the friends of Pleyel, as it ensured we could enjoy his company; and not entirely unfortunate for him either, because even though this beloved person is gone, isn’t there someone else who can and will comfort him for her loss?
Twenty days after this, another vessel arrived from the same port. In this interval, Pleyel, for the most part, estranged himself from his old companions. He was become the prey of a gloomy and unsociable grief. His walks were limited to the bank of the Delaware. This bank is an artificial one. Reeds and the river are on one side, and a watery marsh on the other, in that part which bounded his lands, and which extended from the mouth of Hollander's creek to that of Schuylkill. No scene can be imagined less enticing to a lover of the picturesque than this. The shore is deformed with mud, and incumbered with a forest of reeds. The fields, in most seasons, are mire; but when they afford a firm footing, the ditches by which they are bounded and intersected, are mantled with stagnating green, and emit the most noxious exhalations. Health is no less a stranger to those seats than pleasure. Spring and autumn are sure to be accompanied with agues and bilious remittents.
Twenty days later, another ship arrived from the same port. During this time, Pleyel mostly distanced himself from his old friends. He was consumed by a heavy and antisocial sadness. His walks were limited to the bank of the Delaware. This bank is man-made. On one side are the reeds and the river, while on the other is a marshy area that bordered his lands, stretching from the mouth of Hollander's creek to Schuylkill. There’s no scene less appealing to someone who appreciates beauty than this one. The shore is covered in mud and cluttered with a thick growth of reeds. The fields are often muddy, but when they are firm enough to walk on, the ditches that line and cross them are coated in stagnant green and release the most unpleasant smells. Health is just as absent from those spots as enjoyment. Spring and autumn are guaranteed to come with fevers and gastrointestinal issues.
The scenes which environed our dwellings at Mettingen constituted the reverse of this. Schuylkill was here a pure and translucid current, broken into wild and ceaseless music by rocky points, murmuring on a sandy margin, and reflecting on its surface, banks of all varieties of height and degrees of declivity. These banks were chequered by patches of dark verdure and shapeless masses of white marble, and crowned by copses of cedar, or by the regular magnificence of orchards, which, at this season, were in blossom, and were prodigal of odours. The ground which receded from the river was scooped into valleys and dales. Its beauties were enhanced by the horticultural skill of my brother, who bedecked this exquisite assemblage of slopes and risings with every species of vegetable ornament, from the giant arms of the oak to the clustering tendrils of the honey-suckle.
The scenery surrounding our homes in Mettingen was completely different. The Schuylkill here was a clear and sparkling stream, creating wild and continuous music as it flowed over rocky points, murmuring along a sandy shore, and reflecting banks of all heights and slopes on its surface. These banks were dotted with patches of dark greenery and irregular chunks of white marble, topped with clusters of cedar trees or the orderly beauty of orchards, which were blossoming at this time and filling the air with sweet scents. The land that sloped away from the river formed valleys and hills. Its beauty was enhanced by my brother's gardening skills, who decorated this stunning collection of slopes and rises with all kinds of plant life, from the massive branches of the oak to the delicate tendrils of the honeysuckle.
To screen him from the unwholesome airs of his own residence, it had been proposed to Pleyel to spend the months of spring with us. He had apparently acquiesced in this proposal; but the late event induced him to change his purpose. He was only to be seen by visiting him in his retirements. His gaiety had flown, and every passion was absorbed in eagerness to procure tidings from Saxony. I have mentioned the arrival of another vessel from the Elbe. He descried her early one morning as he was passing along the skirt of the river. She was easily recognized, being the ship in which he had performed his first voyage to Germany. He immediately went on board, but found no letters directed to him. This omission was, in some degree, compensated by meeting with an old acquaintance among the passengers, who had till lately been a resident in Leipsig. This person put an end to all suspense respecting the fate of Theresa, by relating the particulars of her death and funeral.
To keep him away from the unhealthy atmosphere of his own home, it was suggested to Pleyel that he spend the spring months with us. He seemed to agree to this idea, but recent events caused him to change his mind. He was now only seen when visiting him in his solitude. His happiness had vanished, and all his emotions were focused on trying to get news from Saxony. I mentioned the arrival of another ship from the Elbe. He spotted it early one morning while walking along the riverbank. It was easy to recognize, as it was the same ship he had taken on his first trip to Germany. He quickly went on board but found no letters addressed to him. This disappointment was somewhat alleviated when he ran into an old friend among the passengers, who had recently lived in Leipzig. This person ended all uncertainty about Theresa's fate by sharing the details of her death and funeral.
Thus was the truth of the former intimation attested. No longer devoured by suspense, the grief of Pleyel was not long in yielding to the influence of society. He gave himself up once more to our company. His vivacity had indeed been damped; but even in this respect he was a more acceptable companion than formerly, since his seriousness was neither incommunicative nor sullen.
Thus was the truth of the earlier hint confirmed. No longer consumed by anxiety, Pleyel's sorrow quickly gave way to the impact of social interaction. He rejoined our group once again. His energy had indeed diminished; however, in this sense, he was a more enjoyable companion than before, as his seriousness was neither closed off nor gloomy.
These incidents, for a time, occupied all our thoughts. In me they produced a sentiment not unallied to pleasure, and more speedily than in the case of my friends were intermixed with other topics. My brother was particularly affected by them. It was easy to perceive that most of his meditations were tinctured from this source. To this was to be ascribed a design in which his pen was, at this period, engaged, of collecting and investigating the facts which relate to that mysterious personage, the Daemon of Socrates.
These events completely consumed our thoughts for a while. In me, they stirred up feelings that were somewhat pleasurable, and more quickly than with my friends, I began to mix them with other topics. My brother, however, was particularly impacted by them. It was clear that many of his reflections stemmed from this. This led him to work on a project at that time where he was gathering and examining information about the mysterious figure known as the Daemon of Socrates.
My brother's skill in Greek and Roman learning was exceeded by that of few, and no doubt the world would have accepted a treatise upon this subject from his hand with avidity; but alas! this and every other scheme of felicity and honor, were doomed to sudden blast and hopeless extermination.
My brother's expertise in Greek and Roman studies was surpassed by very few, and there's no doubt the world would have eagerly welcomed a treatise on this topic from him; but unfortunately, this and every other plan for happiness and recognition were destined to be suddenly ruined and utterly destroyed.
Chapter VI
I now come to the mention of a person with whose name the most turbulent sensations are connected. It is with a shuddering reluctance that I enter on the province of describing him. Now it is that I begin to perceive the difficulty of the task which I have undertaken; but it would be weakness to shrink from it. My blood is congealed: and my fingers are palsied when I call up his image. Shame upon my cowardly and infirm heart! Hitherto I have proceeded with some degree of composure, but now I must pause. I mean not that dire remembrance shall subdue my courage or baffle my design, but this weakness cannot be immediately conquered. I must desist for a little while.
I now need to mention someone whose name brings up the most intense feelings. It's with a shuddering reluctance that I start to describe him. This is when I really begin to see how difficult the task I've taken on is, but it would be weak to back away from it. My blood turns cold, and my fingers go numb when I think of his image. Shame on my cowardly and weak heart! Until now, I've managed to stay somewhat composed, but now I have to pause. I don’t mean that this painful memory will defeat my courage or stop me from my goal, but this weakness can't be overcome right away. I need to take a break for a little while.
I have taken a few turns in my chamber, and have gathered strength enough to proceed. Yet have I not projected a task beyond my power to execute? If thus, on the very threshold of the scene, my knees faulter and I sink, how shall I support myself, when I rush into the midst of horrors such as no heart has hitherto conceived, nor tongue related? I sicken and recoil at the prospect, and yet my irresolution is momentary. I have not formed this design upon slight grounds, and though I may at times pause and hesitate, I will not be finally diverted from it.
I've taken a few laps around my room and gathered enough strength to move on. But have I taken on a task that's too big for me to handle? If I’m already faltering at the very start and about to collapse, how will I hold myself up when I dive into the middle of horrors that no one has ever imagined or talked about? I feel queasy and want to pull back at the thought, but my hesitation is only temporary. I didn’t come up with this plan on a whim, and even though I might pause and second-guess myself at times, I won't ultimately be swayed from it.
And thou, O most fatal and potent of mankind, in what terms shall I describe thee? What words are adequate to the just delineation of thy character? How shall I detail the means which rendered the secrecy of thy purposes unfathomable? But I will not anticipate. Let me recover if possible, a sober strain. Let me keep down the flood of passion that would render me precipitate or powerless. Let me stifle the agonies that are awakened by thy name. Let me, for a time, regard thee as a being of no terrible attributes. Let me tear myself from contemplation of the evils of which it is but too certain that thou wast the author, and limit my view to those harmless appearances which attended thy entrance on the stage.
And you, O most deadly and powerful of people, how should I describe you? What words are enough to truly express your character? How can I explain the ways that made your intentions so impossible to understand? But I won’t jump ahead. Let me try to gather my thoughts. Let me control the rush of emotions that could make me hasty or weak. Let me push down the pain that your name brings. For a moment, let me see you as someone without dreadful qualities. Let me pull myself away from thinking about the real evils you’ve caused and focus only on the innocent appearances that greeted your arrival on the scene.
One sunny afternoon, I was standing in the door of my house, when I marked a person passing close to the edge of the bank that was in front. His pace was a careless and lingering one, and had none of that gracefulness and ease which distinguish a person with certain advantages of education from a clown. His gait was rustic and aukward. His form was ungainly and disproportioned. Shoulders broad and square, breast sunken, his head drooping, his body of uniform breadth, supported by long and lank legs, were the ingredients of his frame. His garb was not ill adapted to such a figure. A slouched hat, tarnished by the weather, a coat of thick grey cloth, cut and wrought, as it seemed, by a country tailor, blue worsted stockings, and shoes fastened by thongs, and deeply discoloured by dust, which brush had never disturbed, constituted his dress.
One sunny afternoon, I was standing in the doorway of my house when I noticed a person walking close to the edge of the bank in front of me. He moved at a slow and careless pace and lacked the elegance and ease that set apart someone who has had a good education from a clown. His walk was rough and awkward. His figure was ungraceful and disproportionate. He had broad, square shoulders, a sunken chest, a drooping head, and his body was of uniform width, supported by long, skinny legs. His outfit wasn’t poorly suited to such a frame. He wore a slouched hat, weatherworn and faded, a thick gray coat that looked like it was made by a country tailor, blue wool stockings, and shoes tied with thongs, all heavily stained by dust that had never been brushed off.
There was nothing remarkable in these appearances; they were frequently to be met with on the road, and in the harvest field. I cannot tell why I gazed upon them, on this occasion, with more than ordinary attention, unless it were that such figures were seldom seen by me, except on the road or field. This lawn was only traversed by men whose views were directed to the pleasures of the walk, or the grandeur of the scenery.
There was nothing unusual about these appearances; they were often encountered on the road and in the fields during harvest. I can't explain why I was particularly focused on them this time, unless it was because I rarely saw such figures except on the road or in the fields. This lawn was only walked on by people whose attention was on enjoying the stroll or appreciating the beauty of the scenery.
He passed slowly along, frequently pausing, as if to examine the prospect more deliberately, but never turning his eye towards the house, so as to allow me a view of his countenance. Presently, he entered a copse at a small distance, and disappeared. My eye followed him while he remained in sight. If his image remained for any duration in my fancy after his departure, it was because no other object occurred sufficient to expel it.
He walked slowly, often stopping, as if to take a closer look at the view, but never glancing towards the house, which would have let me see his face. Soon, he walked into a thicket nearby and vanished. I watched him until he was out of sight. If his image lingered in my mind after he left, it was only because nothing else came along to replace it.
I continued in the same spot for half an hour, vaguely, and by fits, contemplating the image of this wanderer, and drawing, from outward appearances, those inferences with respect to the intellectual history of this person, which experience affords us. I reflected on the alliance which commonly subsists between ignorance and the practice of agriculture, and indulged myself in airy speculations as to the influence of progressive knowledge in dissolving this alliance, and embodying the dreams of the poets. I asked why the plough and the hoe might not become the trade of every human being, and how this trade might be made conducive to, or, at least, consistent with the acquisition of wisdom and eloquence.
I stayed in the same spot for half an hour, lost in thought, imagining the life of this wanderer and making assumptions about their intellect based on their appearance. I considered the common connection between lack of knowledge and farming, and I entertained some lofty ideas about how advancing knowledge could break that connection and bring the dreams of poets to life. I wondered why farming tools like the plow and hoe couldn't be the work of everyone, and how that work could help in gaining wisdom and eloquence, or at least not clash with it.
Weary with these reflections, I returned to the kitchen to perform some household office. I had usually but one servant, and she was a girl about my own age. I was busy near the chimney, and she was employed near the door of the apartment, when some one knocked. The door was opened by her, and she was immediately addressed with "Pry'thee, good girl, canst thou supply a thirsty man with a glass of buttermilk?" She answered that there was none in the house. "Aye, but there is some in the dairy yonder. Thou knowest as well as I, though Hermes never taught thee, that though every dairy be an house, every house is not a dairy." To this speech, though she understood only a part of it, she replied by repeating her assurances, that she had none to give. "Well then," rejoined the stranger, "for charity's sweet sake, hand me forth a cup of cold water." The girl said she would go to the spring and fetch it. "Nay, give me the cup, and suffer me to help myself. Neither manacled nor lame, I should merit burial in the maw of carrion crows, if I laid this task upon thee." She gave him the cup, and he turned to go to the spring.
Tired from these thoughts, I went back to the kitchen to do some chores. I usually had just one servant, a girl about my age. I was busy by the fireplace, and she was working near the door when someone knocked. She opened the door and was immediately approached with, "Please, can you help a thirsty man with a glass of buttermilk?" She replied that there was none in the house. "But there is some in the dairy over there. You know as well as I do, even if Hermes never taught you, that while every dairy is a house, not every house is a dairy." Although she understood only part of what he said, she insisted again that she had none to give. "Well then," the stranger said, "for the sake of charity, could you please hand me a cup of cold water?" The girl said she would go to the spring to get it. "No, just give me the cup and let me help myself. I'm not injured or lame; I would deserve to be eaten by crows if I asked you to do this." She handed him the cup, and he turned to go to the spring.
I listened to this dialogue in silence. The words uttered by the person without, affected me as somewhat singular, but what chiefly rendered them remarkable, was the tone that accompanied them. It was wholly new. My brother's voice and Pleyel's were musical and energetic. I had fondly imagined, that, in this respect, they were surpassed by none. Now my mistake was detected. I cannot pretend to communicate the impression that was made upon me by these accents, or to depict the degree in which force and sweetness were blended in them. They were articulated with a distinctness that was unexampled in my experience. But this was not all. The voice was not only mellifluent and clear, but the emphasis was so just, and the modulation so impassioned, that it seemed as if an heart of stone could not fail of being moved by it. It imparted to me an emotion altogether involuntary and incontroulable. When he uttered the words "for charity's sweet sake," I dropped the cloth that I held in my hand, my heart overflowed with sympathy, and my eyes with unbidden tears.
I listened to the conversation in silence. The words spoken by the person outside struck me as a bit unusual, but what really made them stand out was the tone that came with them. It was completely new. My brother's voice and Pleyel's were musical and full of energy. I had always thought they couldn't be surpassed in that regard. Now I realized my mistake. I can't really convey the impact those accents had on me, or describe how force and sweetness came together in them. They were spoken with a clarity I had never experienced before. But that wasn't all. The voice was not only smooth and clear, but the emphasis was so perfect, and the modulation so passionate, that it seemed even a heart of stone couldn't help but be moved by it. It stirred up feelings in me that were completely involuntary and uncontrollable. When he said, "for charity's sweet sake," I dropped the cloth I was holding, my heart swelled with compassion, and my eyes filled with unexpected tears.
This description will appear to you trifling or incredible. The importance of these circumstances will be manifested in the sequel. The manner in which I was affected on this occasion, was, to my own apprehension, a subject of astonishment. The tones were indeed such as I never heard before; but that they should, in an instant, as it were, dissolve me in tears, will not easily be believed by others, and can scarcely be comprehended by myself.
This description may seem trivial or unbelievable to you. The significance of these details will become clear later. How I felt at that moment was, to me, surprising. The sounds were unlike anything I had heard before; however, that they could instantly cause me to burst into tears might be hard for others to believe and is something I can hardly understand myself.
It will be readily supposed that I was somewhat inquisitive as to the person and demeanour of our visitant. After a moment's pause, I stepped to the door and looked after him. Judge my surprize, when I beheld the self-same figure that had appeared an half hour before upon the bank. My fancy had conjured up a very different image. A form, and attitude, and garb, were instantly created worthy to accompany such elocution; but this person was, in all visible respects, the reverse of this phantom. Strange as it may seem, I could not speedily reconcile myself to this disappointment. Instead of returning to my employment, I threw myself in a chair that was placed opposite the door, and sunk into a fit of musing.
It quickly became clear that I was curious about the person and behavior of our visitor. After a brief moment, I walked to the door and looked after him. Imagine my surprise when I saw the exact same figure that had appeared half an hour earlier by the bank. I had imagined a very different image. I envisioned a form, posture, and outfit that suited such eloquence; but this person was, in every visible way, the opposite of that vision. As strange as it may sound, I couldn't easily come to terms with this letdown. Instead of going back to my work, I collapsed into a chair across from the door and fell into deep thought.
My attention was, in a few minutes, recalled by the stranger, who returned with the empty cup in his hand. I had not thought of the circumstance, or should certainly have chosen a different seat. He no sooner shewed himself, than a confused sense of impropriety, added to the suddenness of the interview, for which, not having foreseen it, I had made no preparation, threw me into a state of the most painful embarrassment. He brought with him a placid brow; but no sooner had he cast his eyes upon me, than his face was as glowingly suffused as my own. He placed the cup upon the bench, stammered out thanks, and retired.
My attention was soon drawn back by the stranger, who came back with the empty cup in his hand. I hadn’t thought about it, or I definitely would have picked a different seat. As soon as he appeared, a confusing sense of awkwardness, mixed with the surprise of the visit—which I hadn’t anticipated and for which I was unprepared—put me in a state of extreme embarrassment. He had a calm expression, but the moment he looked at me, his face turned as red as mine. He set the cup down on the bench, stammered out his thanks, and left.
It was some time before I could recover my wonted composure. I had snatched a view of the stranger's countenance. The impression that it made was vivid and indelible. His cheeks were pallid and lank, his eyes sunken, his forehead overshadowed by coarse straggling hairs, his teeth large and irregular, though sound and brilliantly white, and his chin discoloured by a tetter. His skin was of coarse grain, and sallow hue. Every feature was wide of beauty, and the outline of his face reminded you of an inverted cone.
It took me a while to regain my usual calm. I had caught a glimpse of the stranger's face. The impression it left was strong and unforgettable. His cheeks were pale and thin, his eyes deep-set, his forehead covered with rough, untidy hair, his teeth large and uneven, yet healthy and bright white, and his chin marked by a skin condition. His skin had a rough texture and a yellowish tint. Every feature lacked beauty, and the shape of his face resembled an upside-down cone.
And yet his forehead, so far as shaggy locks would allow it to be seen, his eyes lustrously black, and possessing, in the midst of haggardness, a radiance inexpressibly serene and potent, and something in the rest of his features, which it would be in vain to describe, but which served to betoken a mind of the highest order, were essential ingredients in the portrait. This, in the effects which immediately flowed from it, I count among the most extraordinary incidents of my life. This face, seen for a moment, continued for hours to occupy my fancy, to the exclusion of almost every other image. I had purposed to spend the evening with my brother, but I could not resist the inclination of forming a sketch upon paper of this memorable visage. Whether my hand was aided by any peculiar inspiration, or I was deceived by my own fond conceptions, this portrait, though hastily executed, appeared unexceptionable to my own taste.
And yet his forehead, as much as his shaggy hair allowed it to show, his lustrous black eyes, and a calm, powerful glow in the midst of his worn appearance, along with something indescribable about the rest of his features that suggested a highly intelligent mind, were key parts of the picture. I consider this, and the immediate effects that followed, to be one of the most incredible experiences of my life. That face, seen for just a moment, stayed on my mind for hours, pushing almost every other image aside. I had planned to spend the evening with my brother, but I couldn’t help but feel the urge to sketch this unforgettable face on paper. Whether my hand was inspired in some special way or if I was just lost in my own fond thoughts, this portrait, even though created quickly, seemed flawless to me.
I placed it at all distances, and in all lights; my eyes were rivetted upon it. Half the night passed away in wakefulness and in contemplation of this picture. So flexible, and yet so stubborn, is the human mind. So obedient to impulses the most transient and brief, and yet so unalterably observant of the direction which is given to it! How little did I then foresee the termination of that chain, of which this may be regarded as the first link?
I placed it at every distance and in all kinds of light; my eyes were glued to it. Half the night passed in wakefulness and in contemplation of this picture. The human mind is so flexible, yet so stubborn. It can be so responsive to the briefest impulses, and yet so fixed on the path it’s set on! How little did I realize then how this would lead to the end of a chain, of which this could be seen as the first link?
Next day arose in darkness and storm. Torrents of rain fell during the whole day, attended with incessant thunder, which reverberated in stunning echoes from the opposite declivity. The inclemency of the air would not allow me to walk-out. I had, indeed, no inclination to leave my apartment. I betook myself to the contemplation of this portrait, whose attractions time had rather enhanced than diminished. I laid aside my usual occupations, and seating myself at a window, consumed the day in alternately looking out upon the storm, and gazing at the picture which lay upon a table before me. You will, perhaps, deem this conduct somewhat singular, and ascribe it to certain peculiarities of temper. I am not aware of any such peculiarities. I can account for my devotion to this image no otherwise, than by supposing that its properties were rare and prodigious. Perhaps you will suspect that such were the first inroads of a passion incident to every female heart, and which frequently gains a footing by means even more slight, and more improbable than these. I shall not controvert the reasonableness of the suspicion, but leave you at liberty to draw, from my narrative, what conclusions you please.
The next day started off dark and stormy. Heavy rain fell all day, accompanied by constant thunder that echoed in thunderous sounds off the opposite hillside. The harsh weather kept me from going outside. Honestly, I had no desire to leave my room. I focused on this portrait, which seemed to have gained rather than lost its charm over time. I put aside my usual activities, sat by the window, and spent the day alternating between watching the storm and staring at the picture on the table in front of me. You might find this behavior a bit unusual and attribute it to some quirks in my character. I'm not aware of any such quirks. The only reason I can think of for my fixation on this image is that its qualities were rare and extraordinary. Perhaps you'll suspect this was the beginning of a passion that every woman experiences, one that often takes root in even more trivial and unlikely circumstances. I won't argue against the validity of that suspicion; I'll let you draw whatever conclusions you want from my story.
Night at length returned, and the storm ceased. The air was once more clear and calm, and bore an affecting contrast to that uproar of the elements by which it had been preceded. I spent the darksome hours, as I spent the day, contemplative and seated at the window. Why was my mind absorbed in thoughts ominous and dreary? Why did my bosom heave with sighs, and my eyes overflow with tears? Was the tempest that had just past a signal of the ruin which impended over me? My soul fondly dwelt upon the images of my brother and his children, yet they only increased the mournfulness of my contemplations. The smiles of the charming babes were as bland as formerly. The same dignity sat on the brow of their father, and yet I thought of them with anguish. Something whispered that the happiness we at present enjoyed was set on mutable foundations. Death must happen to all. Whether our felicity was to be subverted by it to-morrow, or whether it was ordained that we should lay down our heads full of years and of honor, was a question that no human being could solve. At other times, these ideas seldom intruded. I either forbore to reflect upon the destiny that is reserved for all men, or the reflection was mixed up with images that disrobed it of terror; but now the uncertainty of life occurred to me without any of its usual and alleviating accompaniments. I said to myself, we must die. Sooner or later, we must disappear for ever from the face of the earth. Whatever be the links that hold us to life, they must be broken. This scene of existence is, in all its parts, calamitous. The greater number is oppressed with immediate evils, and those, the tide of whose fortunes is full, how small is their portion of enjoyment, since they know that it will terminate.
Night finally returned, and the storm stopped. The air was once again clear and calm, providing a stark contrast to the chaos that had come before. I spent the dark hours just like I spent the day—lost in thought and sitting by the window. Why was my mind filled with such ominous and gloomy thoughts? Why did I feel so heavy with sighs, and why were my eyes filled with tears? Was the storm that had just passed a sign of the ruin that was hanging over me? My heart lingered on memories of my brother and his children, but those only deepened my sadness. The smiles of the adorable kids were as sweet as ever. Their father still carried himself with the same dignity, yet I thought of them with pain. Something in me whispered that our current happiness was built on shaky ground. Death comes for everyone. Whether our joy would be shattered by it tomorrow or if we were destined to pass away peacefully after a long life filled with honor was a mystery no one could answer. Usually, these thoughts rarely intruded. I either avoided thinking about the fate that awaits all men, or if I did ponder it, those thoughts were mixed with ideas that took away their fear; but now, the uncertainty of life came to me without any of its usual comforting layers. I told myself, we must die. Sooner or later, we will vanish forever from this earth. Whatever ties keep us to life will eventually break. This existence, in all its aspects, is filled with suffering. Most people are weighed down by immediate troubles, and those whose fortunes are flourishing have such a small share of true enjoyment, knowing full well that it will end.
For some time I indulged myself, without reluctance, in these gloomy thoughts; but at length, the dejection which they produced became insupportably painful. I endeavoured to dissipate it with music. I had all my grand-father's melody as well as poetry by rote. I now lighted by chance on a ballad, which commemorated the fate of a German Cavalier, who fell at the siege of Nice under Godfrey of Bouillon. My choice was unfortunate, for the scenes of violence and carnage which were here wildly but forcibly pourtrayed, only suggested to my thoughts a new topic in the horrors of war.
For a while, I let myself get lost in these dark thoughts without hesitation; but eventually, the sadness they caused became unbearably painful. I tried to shake it off with music. I had memorized all my grandfather's melodies and poetry. By chance, I stumbled upon a ballad that told the story of a German knight who fell at the siege of Nice under Godfrey of Bouillon. My choice was unfortunate, as the violent and brutal scenes depicted only led my thoughts to a new topic in the horrors of war.
I sought refuge, but ineffectually, in sleep. My mind was thronged by vivid, but confused images, and no effort that I made was sufficient to drive them away. In this situation I heard the clock, which hung in the room, give the signal for twelve. It was the same instrument which formerly hung in my father's chamber, and which, on account of its being his workmanship, was regarded, by every one of our family, with veneration. It had fallen to me, in the division of his property, and was placed in this asylum. The sound awakened a series of reflections, respecting his death. I was not allowed to pursue them; for scarcely had the vibrations ceased, when my attention was attracted by a whisper, which, at first, appeared to proceed from lips that were laid close to my ear.
I tried to escape into sleep, but it didn't work. My mind was crowded with vivid yet confusing images, and nothing I did could make them go away. In the midst of this, I heard the clock in the room chime midnight. It was the same clock that used to hang in my father's room, and everyone in our family held it in great respect since it was made by him. It had come to me as part of his estate and was now placed in this sanctuary. The sound triggered a wave of thoughts about his death. I couldn’t dwell on them though; barely had the sound faded when I was distracted by a whisper that seemed to come from lips very close to my ear.
No wonder that a circumstance like this startled me. In the first impulse of my terror, I uttered a slight scream, and shrunk to the opposite side of the bed. In a moment, however, I recovered from my trepidation. I was habitually indifferent to all the causes of fear, by which the majority are afflicted. I entertained no apprehension of either ghosts or robbers. Our security had never been molested by either, and I made use of no means to prevent or counterwork their machinations. My tranquillity, on this occasion, was quickly retrieved. The whisper evidently proceeded from one who was posted at my bed-side. The first idea that suggested itself was, that it was uttered by the girl who lived with me as a servant. Perhaps, somewhat had alarmed her, or she was sick, and had come to request my assistance. By whispering in my ear, she intended to rouse without alarming me.
No wonder a situation like this startled me. In my initial panic, I let out a small scream and scooted to the other side of the bed. However, I quickly regained my composure. I was usually indifferent to all the things that scare most people. I wasn't afraid of ghosts or burglars. We had never been threatened by either, and I didn’t take any precautions against them. My calm was soon restored. The whisper clearly came from someone standing by my bedside. The first thought that came to mind was that it was the girl who lived with me as a servant. Maybe something had frightened her, or she was unwell and had come to ask for my help. By whispering in my ear, she meant to wake me without scaring me.
Full of this persuasion, I called; "Judith," said I, "is it you? What do you want? Is there any thing the matter with you?" No answer was returned. I repeated my inquiry, but equally in vain. Cloudy as was the atmosphere, and curtained as my bed was, nothing was visible. I withdrew the curtain, and leaning my head on my elbow, I listened with the deepest attention to catch some new sound. Meanwhile, I ran over in my thoughts, every circumstance that could assist my conjectures.
Filled with this conviction, I called out, "Judith, is that you? What do you need? Is something wrong?" No answer came. I asked again, but got nothing in return. Despite the cloudy atmosphere and the curtains around my bed, I couldn't see anything. I pulled back the curtain and propped my head up on my elbow, straining to hear any new sound. Meanwhile, I mentally reviewed every detail that could help me figure out what was happening.
My habitation was a wooden edifice, consisting of two stories. In each story were two rooms, separated by an entry, or middle passage, with which they communicated by opposite doors. The passage, on the lower story, had doors at the two ends, and a stair-case. Windows answered to the doors on the upper story. Annexed to this, on the eastern side, were wings, divided, in like manner, into an upper and lower room; one of them comprized a kitchen, and chamber above it for the servant, and communicated, on both stories, with the parlour adjoining it below, and the chamber adjoining it above. The opposite wing is of smaller dimensions, the rooms not being above eight feet square. The lower of these was used as a depository of household implements, the upper was a closet in which I deposited my books and papers. They had but one inlet, which was from the room adjoining. There was no window in the lower one, and in the upper, a small aperture which communicated light and air, but would scarcely admit the body. The door which led into this, was close to my bed-head, and was always locked, but when I myself was within. The avenues below were accustomed to be closed and bolted at nights.
My home was a wooden building with two stories. Each story had two rooms, divided by an entryway, or hallway, with doors on opposite sides. The hallway on the ground floor had doors at both ends and a staircase. The upper floor had windows that matched the doors below. Attached to the eastern side were two wings, also split into an upper and lower room; one of these was a kitchen, and above it was a room for the servant, with doors connecting to the parlor below and the bedroom above. The opposite wing was smaller, with rooms only about eight feet across. The lower room was used for storing household items, while the upper room was a closet where I kept my books and papers. They only had one entrance, which came from the adjacent room. The lower room had no window, and the upper room had a small opening that let in light and air but was too small for a person to fit through. The door leading into this room was right next to my bed and was always locked unless I was inside. The doors on the ground floor were usually closed and bolted at night.
The maid was my only companion, and she could not reach my chamber without previously passing through the opposite chamber, and the middle passage, of which, however, the doors were usually unfastened. If she had occasioned this noise, she would have answered my repeated calls. No other conclusion, therefore, was left me, but that I had mistaken the sounds, and that my imagination had transformed some casual noise into the voice of a human creature. Satisfied with this solution, I was preparing to relinquish my listening attitude, when my ear was again saluted with a new and yet louder whispering. It appeared, as before, to issue from lips that touched my pillow. A second effort of attention, however, clearly shewed me, that the sounds issued from within the closet, the door of which was not more than eight inches from my pillow.
The maid was my only companion, and she couldn't get to my room without first going through the opposite chamber and the middle passage, though the doors were usually unlocked. If she had made that noise, she would have responded to my repeated calls. So, the only conclusion left for me was that I had misheard the sounds and my imagination had turned some random noise into the voice of a person. Feeling satisfied with this explanation, I was about to stop listening when I was suddenly greeted by a new and even louder whisper. It seemed, as before, to come from lips touching my pillow. However, after focusing again, I realized that the sounds were coming from within the closet, the door of which was no more than eight inches from my pillow.
This second interruption occasioned a shock less vehement than the former. I started, but gave no audible token of alarm. I was so much mistress of my feelings, as to continue listening to what should be said. The whisper was distinct, hoarse, and uttered so as to shew that the speaker was desirous of being heard by some one near, but, at the same time, studious to avoid being overheard by any other.
This second interruption caused a shock that was less intense than the first. I jumped a bit, but didn’t show any signs of alarm. I was in enough control of my emotions to keep listening to what was being said. The whisper was clear, husky, and spoken so that the person wanted to be heard by someone close, while also trying hard not to be overheard by anyone else.
"Stop, stop, I say; madman as you are! there are better means than that. Curse upon your rashness! There is no need to shoot."
"Stop, stop, I say; you crazy person! There are better ways to handle this. Shame on your recklessness! There's no need to shoot."
Such were the words uttered in a tone of eagerness and anger, within so small a distance of my pillow. What construction could I put upon them? My heart began to palpitate with dread of some unknown danger. Presently, another voice, but equally near me, was heard whispering in answer. "Why not? I will draw a trigger in this business, but perdition be my lot if I do more." To this, the first voice returned, in a tone which rage had heightened in a small degree above a whisper, "Coward! stand aside, and see me do it. I will grasp her throat; I will do her business in an instant; she shall not have time so much as to groan." What wonder that I was petrified by sounds so dreadful! Murderers lurked in my closet. They were planning the means of my destruction. One resolved to shoot, and the other menaced suffocation. Their means being chosen, they would forthwith break the door. Flight instantly suggested itself as most eligible in circumstances so perilous. I deliberated not a moment; but, fear adding wings to my speed, I leaped out of bed, and scantily robed as I was, rushed out of the chamber, down stairs, and into the open air. I can hardly recollect the process of turning keys, and withdrawing bolts. My terrors urged me forward with almost a mechanical impulse. I stopped not till I reached my brother's door. I had not gained the threshold, when, exhausted by the violence of my emotions, and by my speed, I sunk down in a fit.
Such were the words spoken with eagerness and anger, so close to my pillow. What could I make of them? My heart started racing with fear of some unknown danger. Soon, another voice, just as close, was heard whispering in response. "Why not? I’ll pull the trigger in this situation, but damn me if I do any more." The first voice replied, its tone slightly more intense than a whisper, "Coward! Step aside and watch me do it. I’ll grab her throat; I’ll take care of her in an instant; she won’t have time to even groan." It’s no surprise I was frozen by such terrifying sounds! Murderers were hiding in my closet. They were plotting my destruction. One was set to shoot, and the other threatened to suffocate me. With their plan in place, they would soon break down the door. Instantly, escaping seemed like the best option in such a dangerous situation. I didn’t think twice; fear gave me speed as I jumped out of bed, barely clothed, rushed out of the room, downstairs, and into the open air. I can hardly remember unlocking doors and unbolting locks. My fear propelled me forward almost mechanically. I didn’t stop until I reached my brother's door. I had just made it to the threshold when, overwhelmed by my emotions and speed, I collapsed in a faint.
How long I remained in this situation I know not. When I recovered, I found myself stretched on a bed, surrounded by my sister and her female servants. I was astonished at the scene before me, but gradually recovered the recollection of what had happened. I answered their importunate inquiries as well as I was able. My brother and Pleyel, whom the storm of the preceding day chanced to detain here, informing themselves of every particular, proceeded with lights and weapons to my deserted habitation. They entered my chamber and my closet, and found every thing in its proper place and customary order. The door of the closet was locked, and appeared not to have been opened in my absence. They went to Judith's apartment. They found her asleep and in safety. Pleyel's caution induced him to forbear alarming the girl; and finding her wholly ignorant of what had passed, they directed her to return to her chamber. They then fastened the doors, and returned.
I don't know how long I was in that situation. When I came to, I found myself lying on a bed, surrounded by my sister and her female servants. I was shocked by the scene in front of me, but I gradually remembered what had happened. I answered their persistent questions as best as I could. My brother and Pleyel, who had been held back by the storm the day before, wanted to know every detail and went with flashlights and weapons to my empty home. They entered my room and my closet and found everything in its usual place and order. The closet door was locked and seemed like it hadn't been opened while I was gone. They went to Judith's room and found her asleep and safe. Pleyel decided not to wake her up and, seeing that she had no idea what had happened, told her to go back to her room. They then locked the doors and returned.
My friends were disposed to regard this transaction as a dream. That persons should be actually immured in this closet, to which, in the circumstances of the time, access from without or within was apparently impossible, they could not seriously believe. That any human beings had intended murder, unless it were to cover a scheme of pillage, was incredible; but that no such design had been formed, was evident from the security in which the furniture of the house and the closet remained.
My friends were inclined to see this situation as a fantasy. They couldn't seriously believe that anyone could be trapped in this closet, which, given the circumstances, seemed impossible to access from either inside or outside. The idea that any humans could have planned a murder, unless it was to hide a theft, was unbelievable; but it was clear that no such plot had been made, as the furniture in the house and the closet were still secure.
I revolved every incident and expression that had occurred. My senses assured me of the truth of them, and yet their abruptness and improbability made me, in my turn, somewhat incredulous. The adventure had made a deep impression on my fancy, and it was not till after a week's abode at my brother's, that I resolved to resume the possession of my own dwelling. There was another circumstance that enhanced the mysteriousness of this event. After my recovery it was obvious to inquire by what means the attention of the family had been drawn to my situation. I had fallen before I had reached the threshold, or was able to give any signal. My brother related, that while this was transacting in my chamber, he himself was awake, in consequence of some slight indisposition, and lay, according to his custom, musing on some favorite topic. Suddenly the silence, which was remarkably profound, was broken by a voice of most piercing shrillness, that seemed to be uttered by one in the hall below his chamber. "Awake! arise!" it exclaimed: "hasten to succour one that is dying at your door."
I replayed every incident and expression that had happened. My senses confirmed their truth, but their suddenness and unlikelihood made me feel somewhat doubtful. The adventure had left a strong impression on my mind, and it wasn't until I spent a week at my brother's that I decided to return to my own home. There was another factor that added to the mystery of this event. After I recovered, it became clear to ask how the family had become aware of my situation. I had fallen before I reached the door or was able to signal for help. My brother said that while this was happening in my room, he was awake due to a minor illness and lay quietly, thinking about a favorite topic. Suddenly, the deep silence was pierced by a voice with a sharp, piercing tone that seemed to come from the hall below his room. "Wake up! Get up!" it shouted: "Hurry to help someone who is dying at your door."
This summons was effectual. There was no one in the house who was not roused by it. Pleyel was the first to obey, and my brother overtook him before he reached the hall. What was the general astonishment when your friend was discovered stretched upon the grass before the door, pale, ghastly, and with every mark of death!
This call was effective. Everyone in the house was awakened by it. Pleyel was the first to respond, and my brother caught up with him before he got to the hall. Everyone was utterly shocked when your friend was found lying on the grass in front of the door, pale, lifeless, and showing every sign of death!
This was the third instance of a voice, exerted for the benefit of this little community. The agent was no less inscrutable in this, than in the former case. When I ruminated upon these events, my soul was suspended in wonder and awe. Was I really deceived in imagining that I heard the closet conversation? I was no longer at liberty to question the reality of those accents which had formerly recalled my brother from the hill; which had imparted tidings of the death of the German lady to Pleyel; and which had lately summoned them to my assistance.
This was the third time a voice had spoken for the benefit of this small community. The source was just as mysterious as in the previous instances. As I thought about these events, I was filled with wonder and awe. Was I really fooled into thinking I heard the conversation in the closet? I could no longer doubt the reality of those voices that had once brought my brother down from the hill, that had delivered news of the German lady's death to Pleyel, and that had recently called for their help.
But how was I to regard this midnight conversation? Hoarse and manlike voices conferring on the means of death, so near my bed, and at such an hour! How had my ancient security vanished! That dwelling, which had hitherto been an inviolate asylum, was now beset with danger to my life. That solitude, formerly so dear to me, could no longer be endured. Pleyel, who had consented to reside with us during the months of spring, lodged in the vacant chamber, in order to quiet my alarms. He treated my fears with ridicule, and in a short time very slight traces of them remained: but as it was wholly indifferent to him whether his nights were passed at my house or at my brother's, this arrangement gave general satisfaction.
But how was I supposed to think about this late-night conversation? Deep, rough voices discussing ways to die, so close to my bed, and at such an hour! How had my previous sense of security disappeared! That place, which had always been a safe haven, was now filled with danger to my life. That solitude, which I once cherished, was now unbearable. Pleyel, who had agreed to stay with us during the spring months, slept in the empty room to calm my anxieties. He laughed off my fears, and soon they faded considerably: but since it didn’t matter to him whether he spent his nights at my place or my brother’s, this arrangement was satisfactory for everyone.
Chapter VII
I will not enumerate the various inquiries and conjectures which these incidents occasioned. After all our efforts, we came no nearer to dispelling the mist in which they were involved; and time, instead of facilitating a solution, only accumulated our doubts. In the midst of thoughts excited by these events, I was not unmindful of my interview with the stranger. I related the particulars, and shewed the portrait to my friends. Pleyel recollected to have met with a figure resembling my description in the city; but neither his face or garb made the same impression upon him that it made upon me. It was a hint to rally me upon my prepossessions, and to amuse us with a thousand ludicrous anecdotes which he had collected in his travels. He made no scruple to charge me with being in love; and threatened to inform the swain, when he met him, of his good fortune.
I won't list all the questions and theories these events sparked. After all our efforts, we still didn’t get any closer to clearing up the confusion surrounding them; instead, time only added to our uncertainty. While I was thinking about these incidents, I didn’t forget my meeting with the stranger. I shared the details and showed the portrait to my friends. Pleyel remembered seeing someone who looked like my description in the city, but neither the guy’s face nor clothes had the same impact on him as they did on me. It was just a way for him to tease me about my feelings and entertain us with a ton of funny stories he’d gathered during his travels. He had no hesitation in accusing me of being in love and joked about telling the guy, if he ran into him, about his good luck.
Pleyel's temper made him susceptible of no durable impressions. His conversation was occasionally visited by gleams of his ancient vivacity; but, though his impetuosity was sometimes inconvenient, there was nothing to dread from his malice. I had no fear that my character or dignity would suffer in his hands, and was not heartily displeased when he declared his intention of profiting by his first meeting with the stranger to introduce him to our acquaintance.
Pleyel's mood made him unable to hold onto anything for long. Sometimes, flashes of his old energy would peek through in our conversations; but even though his intensity could be a bit much at times, I had nothing to worry about when it came to his malice. I wasn't concerned that he would tarnish my reputation or dignity, and I wasn’t really upset when he said he wanted to use his first meeting with the stranger to introduce him to us.
Some weeks after this I had spent a toilsome day, and, as the sun declined, found myself disposed to seek relief in a walk. The river bank is, at this part of it, and for some considerable space upward, so rugged and steep as not to be easily descended. In a recess of this declivity, near the southern verge of my little demesne, was placed a slight building, with seats and lattices. From a crevice of the rock, to which this edifice was attached, there burst forth a stream of the purest water, which, leaping from ledge to ledge, for the space of sixty feet, produced a freshness in the air, and a murmur, the most delicious and soothing imaginable. These, added to the odours of the cedars which embowered it, and of the honey-suckle which clustered among the lattices, rendered this my favorite retreat in summer.
A few weeks later, after a long day, I felt like taking a walk as the sun was setting. The riverbank in this area is so rough and steep that it’s not easy to get down. In a little nook of this slope, near the southern edge of my property, there was a small building with seats and latticework. From a crack in the rock where this structure was built, a stream of the purest water burst forth, tumbling from ledge to ledge for about sixty feet, creating a fresh atmosphere and a delightful, soothing sound. Together with the scents of the cedar trees surrounding it and the honeysuckle that climbed among the lattice, this place became my favorite spot in the summer.
On this occasion I repaired hither. My spirits drooped through the fatigue of long attention, and I threw myself upon a bench, in a state, both mentally and personally, of the utmost supineness. The lulling sounds of the waterfall, the fragrance and the dusk combined to becalm my spirits, and, in a short time, to sink me into sleep. Either the uneasiness of my posture, or some slight indisposition molested my repose with dreams of no cheerful hue. After various incoherences had taken their turn to occupy my fancy, I at length imagined myself walking, in the evening twilight, to my brother's habitation. A pit, methought, had been dug in the path I had taken, of which I was not aware. As I carelessly pursued my walk, I thought I saw my brother, standing at some distance before me, beckoning and calling me to make haste. He stood on the opposite edge of the gulph. I mended my pace, and one step more would have plunged me into this abyss, had not some one from behind caught suddenly my arm, and exclaimed, in a voice of eagerness and terror, "Hold! hold!"
I came here this time because I needed a break. I was feeling drained from paying attention for so long, so I collapsed onto a bench, feeling completely worn out both mentally and physically. The soothing sounds of the waterfall, the pleasant scent, and the dimming light all helped calm my mind, and before long, I dozed off. However, either due to my awkward position or some minor discomfort, my sleep was disturbed by dreams that were anything but bright. After my mind drifted through a series of confused thoughts, I finally imagined myself walking towards my brother’s house in the early evening. I thought I had stumbled upon a pit in the path I was taking, one I hadn’t noticed. As I continued on without a care, I thought I saw my brother in the distance, waving and urging me to hurry. He was standing at the edge of a chasm. I quickened my pace, and one more step would have sent me falling into the void, if it weren't for someone behind me suddenly grabbing my arm and shouting, "Stop! Stop!"
The sound broke my sleep, and I found myself, at the next moment, standing on my feet, and surrounded by the deepest darkness. Images so terrific and forcible disabled me, for a time, from distinguishing between sleep and wakefulness, and withheld from me the knowledge of my actual condition. My first panics were succeeded by the perturbations of surprize, to find myself alone in the open air, and immersed in so deep a gloom. I slowly recollected the incidents of the afternoon, and how I came hither. I could not estimate the time, but saw the propriety of returning with speed to the house. My faculties were still too confused, and the darkness too intense, to allow me immediately to find my way up the steep. I sat down, therefore, to recover myself, and to reflect upon my situation.
The noise woke me up, and the next thing I knew, I was standing on my feet, surrounded by complete darkness. Terrifying images overwhelmed me for a moment, making it hard to tell whether I was still dreaming or awake, and I couldn’t grasp what was really happening to me. My initial panic turned into confusion when I realized I was alone outside in such deep gloom. I gradually remembered what had happened earlier that day and how I ended up here. I couldn’t tell what time it was, but I knew I needed to hurry back to the house. My mind was still too foggy, and the darkness was too heavy for me to immediately figure out how to climb the steep path. So, I sat down to gather myself and think about my situation.
This was no sooner done, than a low voice was heard from behind the lattice, on the side where I sat. Between the rock and the lattice was a chasm not wide enough to admit a human body; yet, in this chasm he that spoke appeared to be stationed. "Attend! attend! but be not terrified."
This was barely done when a low voice came from behind the lattice on the side where I was sitting. Between the rock and the lattice was a gap not wide enough for a person to pass through; yet, it seemed the one who spoke was positioned in that gap. "Listen! Listen! but don't be scared."
I started and exclaimed, "Good heavens! what is that? Who are you?"
I jumped and said, "Wow! What is that? Who are you?"
"A friend; one come, not to injure, but to save you; fear nothing."
"A friend has come, not to hurt you, but to help you; don’t be afraid."
This voice was immediately recognized to be the same with one of those which I had heard in the closet; it was the voice of him who had proposed to shoot, rather than to strangle, his victim. My terror made me, at once, mute and motionless. He continued, "I leagued to murder you. I repent. Mark my bidding, and be safe. Avoid this spot. The snares of death encompass it. Elsewhere danger will be distant; but this spot, shun it as you value your life. Mark me further; profit by this warning, but divulge it not. If a syllable of what has passed escape you, your doom is sealed. Remember your father, and be faithful."
This voice was instantly recognized as the same one I had heard in the closet; it belonged to the person who suggested shooting his victim instead of strangling him. My fear made me go silent and stay still. He continued, "I joined forces to kill you. I regret it. Listen to me and stay safe. Stay away from this place. Death’s traps surround it. You’ll find danger far away elsewhere; but this place, avoid it if you care about your life. Remember this: take my advice, but don’t reveal it. If even a word of what has happened slips from you, you’re done for. Think of your father, and stay loyal."
Here the accents ceased, and left me overwhelmed with dismay. I was fraught with the persuasion, that during every moment I remained here, my life was endangered; but I could not take a step without hazard of falling to the bottom of the precipice. The path, leading to the summit, was short, but rugged and intricate. Even star-light was excluded by the umbrage, and not the faintest gleam was afforded to guide my steps. What should I do? To depart or remain was equally and eminently perilous.
Here, the sounds stopped, leaving me feeling overwhelmed with dread. I was convinced that every moment I stayed here put my life at risk; yet, I couldn’t take a step without the danger of tumbling to the bottom of the cliff. The trail to the top was brief but rough and complicated. Even starlight was blocked by the trees, and not a hint of light was available to help me find my way. What should I do? Leaving or staying was both equally and incredibly dangerous.
In this state of uncertainty, I perceived a ray flit across the gloom and disappear. Another succeeded, which was stronger, and remained for a passing moment. It glittered on the shrubs that were scattered at the entrance, and gleam continued to succeed gleam for a few seconds, till they, finally, gave place to unintermitted darkness.
In this uncertain state, I saw a light dart through the darkness and vanish. Another one appeared, brighter, and lingered for a moment. It sparkled on the bushes scattered at the entrance, and glimmers kept coming one after another for a few seconds, until they eventually gave way to continuous darkness.
The first visitings of this light called up a train of horrors in my mind; destruction impended over this spot; the voice which I had lately heard had warned me to retire, and had menaced me with the fate of my father if I refused. I was desirous, but unable, to obey; these gleams were such as preluded the stroke by which he fell; the hour, perhaps, was the same—I shuddered as if I had beheld, suspended over me, the exterminating sword.
The first time I experienced this light, it triggered a wave of terror in my mind; destruction loomed over this place. The voice I had recently heard had warned me to leave and threatened me with the same fate as my father if I didn’t. I wanted to obey but couldn't; these flashes were just like the ones that came before his downfall; the hour might have been the same—I shuddered as if I were facing the deadly sword hanging above me.
Presently a new and stronger illumination burst through the lattice on the right hand, and a voice, from the edge of the precipice above, called out my name. It was Pleyel. Joyfully did I recognize his accents; but such was the tumult of my thoughts that I had not power to answer him till he had frequently repeated his summons. I hurried, at length, from the fatal spot, and, directed by the lanthorn which he bore, ascended the hill.
Right now, a new and brighter light shone through the lattice on the right side, and a voice from the edge of the cliff above called out my name. It was Pleyel. I joyfully recognized his voice; however, my thoughts were so chaotic that I couldn't respond until he called me several times. Finally, I rushed away from that dangerous place and, guided by the lantern he was holding, climbed up the hill.
Pale and breathless, it was with difficulty I could support myself. He anxiously inquired into the cause of my affright, and the motive of my unusual absence. He had returned from my brother's at a late hour, and was informed by Judith, that I had walked out before sun-set, and had not yet returned. This intelligence was somewhat alarming. He waited some time; but, my absence continuing, he had set out in search of me. He had explored the neighbourhood with the utmost care, but, receiving no tidings of me, he was preparing to acquaint my brother with this circumstance, when he recollected the summer-house on the bank, and conceived it possible that some accident had detained me there. He again inquired into the cause of this detention, and of that confusion and dismay which my looks testified.
Pale and breathless, I struggled to support myself. He anxiously asked what had scared me and why I was out for so long. He had come back from my brother's late and learned from Judith that I had gone out before sunset and hadn’t returned yet. This news was a bit alarming. He waited for a while, but since I still didn’t come back, he set out to find me. He searched the neighborhood thoroughly, but with no luck, and was about to tell my brother when he remembered the summer house by the bank and thought I might have had some accident there. He asked again about what had kept me and the confusion and fear that my expression showed.
I told him that I had strolled hither in the afternoon, that sleep had overtaken me as I sat, and that I had awakened a few minutes before his arrival. I could tell him no more. In the present impetuosity of my thoughts, I was almost dubious, whether the pit, into which my brother had endeavoured to entice me, and the voice that talked through the lattice, were not parts of the same dream. I remembered, likewise, the charge of secrecy, and the penalty denounced, if I should rashly divulge what I had heard. For these reasons, I was silent on that subject, and shutting myself in my chamber, delivered myself up to contemplation.
I told him that I had walked over here in the afternoon, that I had dozed off while sitting, and that I had woken up just a few minutes before he arrived. I couldn't say anything more. With my thoughts racing, I was almost unsure if the pit my brother had tried to lure me into and the voice I heard through the lattice were part of the same dream. I also remembered the warning to keep things secret and the consequences if I carelessly revealed what I had heard. For these reasons, I stayed quiet about it and, closing myself in my room, lost myself in thought.
What I have related will, no doubt, appear to you a fable. You will believe that calamity has subverted my reason, and that I am amusing you with the chimeras of my brain, instead of facts that have really happened. I shall not be surprized or offended, if these be your suspicions. I know not, indeed, how you can deny them admission. For, if to me, the immediate witness, they were fertile of perplexity and doubt, how must they affect another to whom they are recommended only by my testimony? It was only by subsequent events, that I was fully and incontestibly assured of the veracity of my senses.
What I've shared will probably sound like a made-up story to you. You might think that misfortune has driven me mad and that I’m entertaining you with the fantasies in my head instead of real events. I won’t be surprised or offended if you feel this way. Honestly, I can’t see how you could think otherwise. If I, as the direct witness, found these events confusing and doubtful, how could they not be baffling to someone who only has my word for it? It wasn’t until later events unfolded that I was completely convinced of the truth of what I experienced.
Meanwhile what was I to think? I had been assured that a design had been formed against my life. The ruffians had leagued to murder me. Whom had I offended? Who was there with whom I had ever maintained intercourse, who was capable of harbouring such atrocious purposes?
Meanwhile, what was I supposed to think? I had been told that there was a plot against my life. The thugs had teamed up to kill me. Who had I offended? Who among those I had ever interacted with could be capable of such terrible intentions?
My temper was the reverse of cruel and imperious. My heart was touched with sympathy for the children of misfortune. But this sympathy was not a barren sentiment. My purse, scanty as it was, was ever open, and my hands ever active, to relieve distress. Many were the wretches whom my personal exertions had extricated from want and disease, and who rewarded me with their gratitude. There was no face which lowered at my approach, and no lips which uttered imprecations in my hearing. On the contrary, there was none, over whose fate I had exerted any influence, or to whom I was known by reputation, who did not greet me with smiles, and dismiss me with proofs of veneration; yet did not my senses assure me that a plot was laid against my life?
My temper was the opposite of cruel and domineering. I genuinely cared for the unfortunate children. But this care wasn't just empty feelings. Even though my wallet was thin, I always opened it and was quick to help those in need. I helped many people escape poverty and illness, and they showed me their gratitude. No one frowned when I came around, and no one cursed me within earshot. Instead, everyone I had helped, or who knew me by reputation, welcomed me with smiles and treated me with respect; yet, didn't my instincts tell me that a plot was being hatched against my life?
I am not destitute of courage. I have shewn myself deliberative and calm in the midst of peril. I have hazarded my own life, for the preservation of another, but now was I confused and panic struck. I have not lived so as to fear death, yet to perish by an unseen and secret stroke, to be mangled by the knife of an assassin was a thought at which I shuddered; what had I done to deserve to be made the victim of malignant passions?
I’m not lacking in courage. I’ve shown myself to be thoughtful and calm in the face of danger. I've put my life at risk to save someone else, but now I was overwhelmed and terrified. I haven’t lived in a way that makes me afraid of death, yet the idea of dying from a hidden, stealthy attack—being brutally harmed by an assassin’s knife—was something that made me shudder; what had I done to deserve being targeted by such evil intentions?
But soft! was I not assured, that my life was safe in all places but one? And why was the treason limited to take effect in this spot? I was every where equally defenceless. My house and chamber were, at all times, accessible. Danger still impended over me; the bloody purpose was still entertained, but the hand that was to execute it, was powerless in all places but one!
But wait! Wasn't I told that my life was safe everywhere except for one place? And why did the betrayal only matter here? I was completely defenseless everywhere. My home and room were always accessible. Danger was still looming over me; the violent intent was still there, but the hand meant to carry it out was powerless everywhere except for this one spot!
Here I had remained for the last four or five hours, without the means of resistance or defence, yet I had not been attacked. A human being was at hand, who was conscious of my presence, and warned me hereafter to avoid this retreat. His voice was not absolutely new, but had I never heard it but once before? But why did he prohibit me from relating this incident to others, and what species of death will be awarded if I disobey?
Here I had stayed for the last four or five hours, without any way to resist or defend myself, yet I hadn’t been attacked. There was a person nearby, aware of my presence, who warned me to stay away from this place in the future. His voice was somewhat familiar, but had I only heard it once before? But why did he tell me not to share this incident with anyone else, and what kind of punishment will I face if I don’t listen?
He talked of my father. He intimated, that disclosure would pull upon my head, the same destruction. Was then the death of my father, portentous and inexplicable as it was, the consequence of human machinations? It should seem, that this being is apprised of the true nature of this event, and is conscious of the means that led to it. Whether it shall likewise fall upon me, depends upon the observance of silence. Was it the infraction of a similar command, that brought so horrible a penalty upon my father?
He talked about my father. He suggested that revealing this information would bring the same destruction upon me. Was my father's death, as ominous and puzzling as it was, the result of human schemes? It seems that this person knows the real nature of what happened and is aware of the actions that caused it. Whether I will also be affected depends on keeping quiet. Was it breaking a similar command that brought such a terrible punishment on my father?
Such were the reflections that haunted me during the night, and which effectually deprived me of sleep. Next morning, at breakfast, Pleyel related an event which my disappearance had hindered him from mentioning the night before. Early the preceding morning, his occasions called him to the city; he had stepped into a coffee-house to while away an hour; here he had met a person whose appearance instantly bespoke him to be the same whose hasty visit I have mentioned, and whose extraordinary visage and tones had so powerfully affected me. On an attentive survey, however, he proved, likewise, to be one with whom my friend had had some intercourse in Europe. This authorised the liberty of accosting him, and after some conversation, mindful, as Pleyel said, of the footing which this stranger had gained in my heart, he had ventured to invite him to Mettingen. The invitation had been cheerfully accepted, and a visit promised on the afternoon of the next day.
Those thoughts haunted me through the night, and kept me from sleeping. The next morning, at breakfast, Pleyel shared an event that my absence had prevented him from mentioning the night before. Early that morning, he had business in the city and stopped by a coffee shop to kill some time. There, he met someone whose appearance instantly made it clear he was the same person I had briefly encountered before, and whose unusual look and voice had affected me deeply. Upon closer inspection, he turned out to be someone with whom my friend had some connections in Europe. This gave Pleyel the confidence to approach him, and after some conversation, mindful of how much this stranger meant to me, he took the chance to invite him to Mettingen. The invitation was gladly accepted, and a visit was promised for the following afternoon.
This information excited no sober emotions in my breast. I was, of course, eager to be informed as to the circumstances of their ancient intercourse. When, and where had they met? What knew he of the life and character of this man?
This info didn’t stir any serious feelings in me. I was, of course, eager to learn about the circumstances of their past relationship. When and where did they meet? What did he know about this man’s life and character?
In answer to my inquiries, he informed me that, three years before, he was a traveller in Spain. He had made an excursion from Valencia to Murviedro, with a view to inspect the remains of Roman magnificence, scattered in the environs of that town. While traversing the scite of the theatre of old Saguntum, he lighted upon this man, seated on a stone, and deeply engaged in perusing the work of the deacon Marti. A short conversation ensued, which proved the stranger to be English. They returned to Valencia together.
In response to my questions, he told me that three years ago, he was traveling in Spain. He had taken a trip from Valencia to Murviedro to check out the remnants of Roman grandeur scattered around that area. While he was walking through the site of the old Saguntum theater, he came across this man sitting on a stone, deeply focused on reading the work of Deacon Marti. They had a brief conversation, which revealed that the stranger was English. They went back to Valencia together.
His garb, aspect, and deportment, were wholly Spanish. A residence of three years in the country, indefatigable attention to the language, and a studious conformity with the customs of the people, had made him indistinguishable from a native, when he chose to assume that character. Pleyel found him to be connected, on the footing of friendship and respect, with many eminent merchants in that city. He had embraced the catholic religion, and adopted a Spanish name instead of his own, which was CARWIN, and devoted himself to the literature and religion of his new country. He pursued no profession, but subsisted on remittances from England.
His clothing, appearance, and behavior were completely Spanish. After living in the country for three years, putting in tireless effort to learn the language, and closely following the customs of the people, he had become indistinguishable from a local when he chose to act that way. Pleyel found that he was friends with many prominent merchants in the city, based on mutual respect. He had adopted the Catholic faith and taken a Spanish name instead of his own, which was CARWIN, and dedicated himself to the literature and religion of his new country. He didn’t have a job but lived off money sent from England.
While Pleyel remained in Valencia, Carwin betrayed no aversion to intercourse, and the former found no small attractions in the society of this new acquaintance. On general topics he was highly intelligent and communicative. He had visited every corner of Spain, and could furnish the most accurate details respecting its ancient and present state. On topics of religion and of his own history, previous to his TRANSFORMATION into a Spaniard, he was invariably silent. You could merely gather from his discourse that he was English, and that he was well acquainted with the neighbouring countries.
While Pleyel was in Valencia, Carwin showed no dislike for conversation, and Pleyel was quite drawn to the company of this new acquaintance. He was very smart and talkative on a variety of topics. He had traveled all over Spain and could provide the most precise details about its past and present. However, when it came to religion and his own history before he became a Spaniard, he was consistently quiet. You could only infer from his conversation that he was English and well-informed about the neighboring countries.
His character excited considerable curiosity in this observer. It was not easy to reconcile his conversion to the Romish faith, with those proofs of knowledge and capacity that were exhibited by him on different occasions. A suspicion was, sometimes, admitted, that his belief was counterfeited for some political purpose. The most careful observation, however, produced no discovery. His manners were, at all times, harmless and inartificial, and his habits those of a lover of contemplation and seclusion. He appeared to have contracted an affection for Pleyel, who was not slow to return it.
His character sparked a lot of curiosity in this observer. It was hard to reconcile his conversion to the Catholic faith with the evidence of knowledge and skill he demonstrated on various occasions. There was sometimes a suspicion that his belief was fake for some political reason. However, even the closest observation revealed nothing. His manners were always harmless and genuine, and his habits showed him to be someone who loved contemplation and solitude. He seemed to have developed a fondness for Pleyel, who was quick to return it.
My friend, after a month's residence in this city, returned into France, and, since that period, had heard nothing concerning Carwin till his appearance at Mettingen.
My friend returned to France after living in this city for a month, and since then, he hadn't heard anything about Carwin until he showed up in Mettingen.
On this occasion Carwin had received Pleyel's greeting with a certain distance and solemnity to which the latter had not been accustomed. He had waved noticing the inquiries of Pleyel respecting his desertion of Spain, in which he had formerly declared that it was his purpose to spend his life. He had assiduously diverted the attention of the latter to indifferent topics, but was still, on every theme, as eloquent and judicious as formerly. Why he had assumed the garb of a rustic, Pleyel was unable to conjecture. Perhaps it might be poverty, perhaps he was swayed by motives which it was his interest to conceal, but which were connected with consequences of the utmost moment.
On this occasion, Carwin had received Pleyel's greeting with a certain distance and seriousness that Pleyel wasn’t used to. He had waved off Pleyel's questions about why he had left Spain, where he had previously said he planned to spend his life. He had skillfully shifted the conversation to unimportant topics, yet he was still as articulate and thoughtful on every subject as he had always been. Pleyel couldn’t figure out why he had adopted the appearance of a simple farmer. Maybe it was due to financial struggles, or perhaps he was influenced by reasons he preferred to keep hidden, but which were linked to issues of great importance.
Such was the sum of my friend's information. I was not sorry to be left alone during the greater part of this day. Every employment was irksome which did not leave me at liberty to meditate. I had now a new subject on which to exercise my thoughts. Before evening I should be ushered into his presence, and listen to those tones whose magical and thrilling power I had already experienced. But with what new images would he then be accompanied?
That was all the information my friend had. I wasn’t upset to be left alone for most of the day. Every task felt tedious as it didn’t allow me the freedom to think. I now had a new topic to ponder. By evening, I would be introduced to him and hear those captivating and exciting tones I had already felt. But what new images would accompany him then?
Carwin was an adherent to the Romish faith, yet was an Englishman by birth, and, perhaps, a protestant by education. He had adopted Spain for his country, and had intimated a design to spend his days there, yet now was an inhabitant of this district, and disguised by the habiliments of a clown! What could have obliterated the impressions of his youth, and made him abjure his religion and his country? What subsequent events had introduced so total a change in his plans? In withdrawing from Spain, had he reverted to the religion of his ancestors; or was it true, that his former conversion was deceitful, and that his conduct had been swayed by motives which it was prudent to conceal?
Carwin was a follower of the Roman Catholic faith, but he was born an Englishman and probably raised as a Protestant. He had chosen Spain as his home and had expressed a desire to spend his life there, yet now he lived in this area, disguised in the clothes of a peasant! What could have erased the influences of his youth and caused him to abandon his religion and his homeland? What events had led to such a drastic change in his plans? In leaving Spain, had he returned to the faith of his ancestors, or was it true that his earlier conversion was insincere and that his behavior had been influenced by reasons he felt he needed to keep hidden?
Hours were consumed in revolving these ideas. My meditations were intense; and, when the series was broken, I began to reflect with astonishment on my situation. From the death of my parents, till the commencement of this year, my life had been serene and blissful, beyond the ordinary portion of humanity; but, now, my bosom was corroded by anxiety. I was visited by dread of unknown dangers, and the future was a scene over which clouds rolled, and thunders muttered. I compared the cause with the effect, and they seemed disproportioned to each other. All unaware, and in a manner which I had no power to explain, I was pushed from my immoveable and lofty station, and cast upon a sea of troubles.
Hours were spent thinking about these ideas. My thoughts were intense; and when I finally broke the cycle, I was astonished at my situation. Since my parents' death until the beginning of this year, my life had been calm and joyful, better than what most people experience; but now, I felt anxiety eating away at me. I was filled with fear of unknown dangers, and the future looked dark and stormy. I compared the cause to the effect, and they seemed completely out of sync. Without realizing it, and in a way I couldn’t explain, I was pushed from my stable and high position and thrown into a sea of troubles.
I determined to be my brother's visitant on this evening, yet my resolves were not unattended with wavering and reluctance. Pleyel's insinuations that I was in love, affected, in no degree, my belief, yet the consciousness that this was the opinion of one who would, probably, be present at our introduction to each other, would excite all that confusion which the passion itself is apt to produce. This would confirm him in his error, and call forth new railleries. His mirth, when exerted upon this topic, was the source of the bitterest vexation. Had he been aware of its influence upon my happiness, his temper would not have allowed him to persist; but this influence, it was my chief endeavour to conceal. That the belief of my having bestowed my heart upon another, produced in my friend none but ludicrous sensations, was the true cause of my distress; but if this had been discovered by him, my distress would have been unspeakably aggravated.
I decided to visit my brother this evening, but I was feeling a bit unsure and reluctant. Pleyel’s hints that I was in love didn’t change my mind at all, but knowing that he might be there when I met my brother made me really anxious, just like the feelings that love can bring. This would only reinforce his misunderstanding and lead to more teasing. His jokes about this subject were incredibly frustrating for me. If he had known how much it affected my happiness, he probably wouldn’t have kept it up; but I was mainly trying to hide that from him. The fact that he thought I had given my heart to someone else only made me feel worse, and if he had found that out, it would have made my distress even greater.
Chapter VIII
As soon as evening arrived, I performed my visit. Carwin made one of the company, into which I was ushered. Appearances were the same as when I before beheld him. His garb was equally negligent and rustic. I gazed upon his countenance with new curiosity. My situation was such as to enable me to bestow upon it a deliberate examination. Viewed at more leisure, it lost none of its wonderful properties. I could not deny my homage to the intelligence expressed in it, but was wholly uncertain, whether he were an object to be dreaded or adored, and whether his powers had been exerted to evil or to good.
As soon as evening came, I paid my visit. Carwin was among the group I was introduced to. He looked the same as I remembered. His outfit was just as careless and rustic. I looked at his face with fresh curiosity. My situation allowed me to observe it closely. Taking my time, it still retained all its remarkable qualities. I couldn't help but respect the intelligence reflected in it, but I was completely unsure whether he was someone to be feared or admired, and whether his abilities had been used for harm or for good.
He was sparing in discourse; but whatever he said was pregnant with meaning, and uttered with rectitude of articulation, and force of emphasis, of which I had entertained no conception previously to my knowledge of him. Notwithstanding the uncouthness of his garb, his manners were not unpolished. All topics were handled by him with skill, and without pedantry or affectation. He uttered no sentiment calculated to produce a disadvantageous impression: on the contrary, his observations denoted a mind alive to every generous and heroic feeling. They were introduced without parade, and accompanied with that degree of earnestness which indicates sincerity.
He spoke little, but everything he said was full of meaning and articulated with clear expression and strong emphasis, which I had never encountered before knowing him. Despite his awkward clothing, his manners were polished. He approached all topics with skill, without being tedious or pretentious. He never expressed ideas that might create a negative impression; instead, his comments showed a mind attuned to every noble and courageous feeling. They were shared naturally, accompanied by a level of seriousness that showed he was sincere.
He parted from us not till late, refusing an invitation to spend the night here, but readily consented to repeat his visit. His visits were frequently repeated. Each day introduced us to a more intimate acquaintance with his sentiments, but left us wholly in the dark, concerning that about which we were most inquisitive. He studiously avoided all mention of his past or present situation. Even the place of his abode in the city he concealed from us.
He didn’t leave us until late, turning down an invitation to stay the night but gladly agreeing to come back again. He came to visit us often. Each day brought us closer to understanding his feelings, but we remained completely in the dark about what we were most curious about. He made a point to avoid talking about his past or current situation. He even kept the location of his home in the city a secret from us.
Our sphere, in this respect, being somewhat limited, and the intellectual endowments of this man being indisputably great, his deportment was more diligently marked, and copiously commented on by us, than you, perhaps, will think the circumstances warranted. Not a gesture, or glance, or accent, that was not, in our private assemblies, discussed, and inferences deduced from it. It may well be thought that he modelled his behaviour by an uncommon standard, when, with all our opportunities and accuracy of observation, we were able, for a long time, to gather no satisfactory information. He afforded us no ground on which to build even a plausible conjecture.
Our perspective, in this regard, is somewhat limited, and this man's intellectual abilities are undeniably impressive, so we paid much closer attention to his behavior and commented on it more than you might expect given the circumstances. Not a single gesture, glance, or tone went without discussion and analysis in our private meetings. It might seem that he based his behavior on an unusual standard, especially since even with all our opportunities for observation, we struggled for a long time to gather any satisfactory information. He gave us no basis to form even a reasonable guess.
There is a degree of familiarity which takes place between constant associates, that justifies the negligence of many rules of which, in an earlier period of their intercourse, politeness requires the exact observance. Inquiries into our condition are allowable when they are prompted by a disinterested concern for our welfare; and this solicitude is not only pardonable, but may justly be demanded from those who chuse us for their companions. This state of things was more slow to arrive on this occasion than on most others, on account of the gravity and loftiness of this man's behaviour.
There’s a level of familiarity that develops among close associates, allowing for the relaxation of many rules that earlier in their relationship would have required strict adherence to politeness. Questions about our well-being are acceptable when they stem from a genuine concern for us; this care is not only forgivable but can rightfully be expected from those who choose us as their friends. This situation took longer to evolve in this case than in most others, due to the serious and elevated nature of this man's demeanor.
Pleyel, however, began, at length, to employ regular means for this end. He occasionally alluded to the circumstances in which they had formerly met, and remarked the incongruousness between the religion and habits of a Spaniard, with those of a native of Britain. He expressed his astonishment at meeting our guest in this corner of the globe, especially as, when they parted in Spain, he was taught to believe that Carwin should never leave that country. He insinuated, that a change so great must have been prompted by motives of a singular and momentous kind.
Pleyel eventually started to use regular methods to achieve this goal. He sometimes referred to the circumstances of their previous meetings and pointed out the inconsistency between the religion and customs of a Spaniard and those of a Brit. He expressed his disbelief at encountering our guest in this part of the world, especially since, when they parted in Spain, he had thought that Carwin would never leave that country. He suggested that such a significant change must have been driven by unique and important reasons.
No answer, or an answer wide of the purpose, was generally made to these insinuations. Britons and Spaniards, he said, are votaries of the same Deity, and square their faith by the same precepts; their ideas are drawn from the same fountains of literature, and they speak dialects of the same tongue; their government and laws have more resemblances than differences; they were formerly provinces of the same civil, and till lately, of the same religious, Empire.
No reply, or a response that missed the point, was usually given to these suggestions. He stated that Brits and Spaniards worship the same God and follow similar beliefs; their ideas come from the same sources of literature, and they speak different versions of the same language; their governments and laws have more in common than they do in difference; they used to be part of the same nation, and until recently, the same religious Empire.
As to the motives which induce men to change the place of their abode, these must unavoidably be fleeting and mutable. If not bound to one spot by conjugal or parental ties, or by the nature of that employment to which we are indebted for subsistence, the inducements to change are far more numerous and powerful, than opposite inducements.
Regarding the reasons that make people relocate, these are bound to be temporary and changeable. If we aren’t tied down to one location by marriage or family connections, or by the nature of the work that provides for us, the reasons to move are much more numerous and compelling than the reasons to stay put.
He spoke as if desirous of shewing that he was not aware of the tendency of Pleyel's remarks; yet, certain tokens were apparent, that proved him by no means wanting in penetration. These tokens were to be read in his countenance, and not in his words. When any thing was said, indicating curiosity in us, the gloom of his countenance was deepened, his eyes sunk to the ground, and his wonted air was not resumed without visible struggle. Hence, it was obvious to infer, that some incidents of his life were reflected on by him with regret; and that, since these incidents were carefully concealed, and even that regret which flowed from them laboriously stifled, they had not been merely disastrous. The secrecy that was observed appeared not designed to provoke or baffle the inquisitive, but was prompted by the shame, or by the prudence of guilt.
He spoke as if he wanted to show that he wasn't aware of the implications of Pleyel's comments; however, certain signs were clear that proved he was far from lacking in insight. These signs were visible in his expression, not in his words. Whenever something was said that showed our curiosity, the gloom on his face deepened, his eyes focused on the ground, and he didn't return to his usual demeanor without a clear struggle. Therefore, it was obvious to conclude that some events from his life weighed on him with regret; and since he carefully concealed these events, along with the regret they brought him, it was clear they weren't simply unfortunate. The secrecy he maintained didn't seem meant to provoke or confuse the curious but was driven by shame or the caution of guilt.
These ideas, which were adopted by Pleyel and my brother, as well as myself, hindered us from employing more direct means for accomplishing our wishes. Questions might have been put in such terms, that no room should be left for the pretence of misapprehension, and if modesty merely had been the obstacle, such questions would not have been wanting; but we considered, that, if the disclosure were productive of pain or disgrace, it was inhuman to extort it.
These ideas, which were embraced by Pleyel, my brother, and me, stopped us from using more straightforward ways to achieve our goals. Questions could have been framed in a way that left no room for misunderstanding, and if modesty had only been the issue, we could have easily asked those questions. However, we believed that if revealing something would cause pain or shame, it was cruel to force someone to do it.
Amidst the various topics that were discussed in his presence, allusions were, of course, made to the inexplicable events that had lately happened. At those times, the words and looks of this man were objects of my particular attention. The subject was extraordinary; and any one whose experience or reflections could throw any light upon it, was entitled to my gratitude. As this man was enlightened by reading and travel, I listened with eagerness to the remarks which he should make.
Amid the various topics discussed in his presence, references were, of course, made to the baffling events that had recently occurred. During those moments, this man's words and expressions caught my particular attention. The subject was remarkable; anyone whose experiences or thoughts could shed light on it deserved my gratitude. Since this man was knowledgeable from reading and traveling, I listened eagerly to the insights he had to share.
At first, I entertained a kind of apprehension, that the tale would be heard by him with incredulity and secret ridicule. I had formerly heard stories that resembled this in some of their mysterious circumstances, but they were, commonly, heard by me with contempt. I was doubtful, whether the same impression would not now be made on the mind of our guest; but I was mistaken in my fears.
At first, I felt a bit anxious that he would listen to the story with disbelief and hidden mockery. I had previously heard similar stories with some mysterious details, but I usually dismissed them. I was unsure if our guest would have the same reaction, but I was wrong in my worries.
He heard them with seriousness, and without any marks either of surprize or incredulity. He pursued, with visible pleasure, that kind of disquisition which was naturally suggested by them. His fancy was eminently vigorous and prolific, and if he did not persuade us, that human beings are, sometimes, admitted to a sensible intercourse with the author of nature, he, at least, won over our inclination to the cause. He merely deduced, from his own reasonings, that such intercourse was probable; but confessed that, though he was acquainted with many instances somewhat similar to those which had been related by us, none of them were perfectly exempted from the suspicion of human agency.
He listened to them seriously, showing no signs of surprise or disbelief. He engaged, with clear enjoyment, in the kind of discussion that their words naturally inspired. His imagination was exceptionally strong and productive, and even if he didn't convince us that humans sometimes have meaningful interactions with the creator of nature, he at least gained our interest in the idea. He simply concluded, from his own reasoning, that such interactions were likely; however, he admitted that while he knew of several cases somewhat similar to those we had shared, none were completely free from the possibility of human involvement.
On being requested to relate these instances, he amused us with many curious details. His narratives were constructed with so much skill, and rehearsed with so much energy, that all the effects of a dramatic exhibition were frequently produced by them. Those that were most coherent and most minute, and, of consequence, least entitled to credit, were yet rendered probable by the exquisite art of this rhetorician. For every difficulty that was suggested, a ready and plausible solution was furnished. Mysterious voices had always a share in producing the catastrophe, but they were always to be explained on some known principles, either as reflected into a focus, or communicated through a tube. I could not but remark that his narratives, however complex or marvellous, contained no instance sufficiently parallel to those that had befallen ourselves, and in which the solution was applicable to our own case.
When asked to share these stories, he entertained us with a lot of fascinating details. His tales were told with such skill and energy that they often felt like a dramatic performance. The most coherent and detailed ones, which were the least believable, still seemed plausible because of this speaker’s incredible talent. For every challenge presented, he quickly offered a convincing explanation. Mysterious voices always played a role in the climax, but they were usually explained using common principles, like being focused through a lens or transmitted through a tube. I couldn’t help but notice that his stories, no matter how complicated or extraordinary, didn’t really resemble the situations we had experienced, and the solutions he provided didn’t apply to our own circumstances.
My brother was a much more sanguine reasoner than our guest. Even in some of the facts which were related by Carwin, he maintained the probability of celestial interference, when the latter was disposed to deny it, and had found, as he imagined, footsteps of an human agent. Pleyel was by no means equally credulous. He scrupled not to deny faith to any testimony but that of his senses, and allowed the facts which had lately been supported by this testimony, not to mould his belief, but merely to give birth to doubts.
My brother was a much more optimistic thinker than our guest. Even when Carwin shared some of the facts, he insisted on the likelihood of otherworldly involvement, while Carwin was eager to dismiss it and believed he had discovered signs of a human culprit. Pleyel, on the other hand, was not nearly as gullible. He was quick to reject any testimony that wasn't backed by his own senses, and the facts recently presented didn't shape his beliefs but simply sparked doubts.
It was soon observed that Carwin adopted, in some degree, a similar distinction. A tale of this kind, related by others, he would believe, provided it was explicable upon known principles; but that such notices were actually communicated by beings of an higher order, he would believe only when his own ears were assailed in a manner which could not be otherwise accounted for. Civility forbad him to contradict my brother or myself, but his understanding refused to acquiesce in our testimony. Besides, he was disposed to question whether the voices heard in the temple, at the foot of the hill, and in my closet, were not really uttered by human organs. On this supposition he was desired to explain how the effect was produced.
It was quickly noticed that Carwin had a somewhat similar perspective. He would believe a story like this if it was told by others and could be explained using known principles; however, he would only accept that such messages were actually conveyed by higher beings if he personally experienced something that couldn’t be explained in any other way. Politeness prevented him from contradicting my brother or me, but his reasoning wouldn’t accept our accounts. Furthermore, he tended to question whether the voices heard in the temple, at the base of the hill, and in my room were actually produced by human sources. Given this assumption, we asked him to explain how the effect was created.
He answered, that the power of mimickry was very common. Catharine's voice might easily be imitated by one at the foot of the hill, who would find no difficulty in eluding, by flight, the search of Wieland. The tidings of the death of the Saxon lady were uttered by one near at hand, who overheard the conversation, who conjectured her death, and whose conjecture happened to accord with the truth. That the voice appeared to come from the cieling was to be considered as an illusion of the fancy. The cry for help, heard in the hall on the night of my adventure, was to be ascribed to an human creature, who actually stood in the hall when he uttered it. It was of no moment, he said, that we could not explain by what motives he that made the signal was led hither. How imperfectly acquainted were we with the condition and designs of the beings that surrounded us? The city was near at hand, and thousands might there exist whose powers and purposes might easily explain whatever was mysterious in this transaction. As to the closet dialogue, he was obliged to adopt one of two suppositions, and affirm either that it was fashioned in my own fancy, or that it actually took place between two persons in the closet.
He replied that the ability to mimic was quite common. Catharine's voice could easily be copied by someone at the bottom of the hill, who would have no trouble escaping Wieland's search. The news of the Saxon lady's death was spoken by someone nearby, who overheard the conversation, speculated about her death, and happened to be right. The voice seemed to come from the ceiling, which should be seen as a trick of the imagination. The cry for help heard in the hall during my experience was made by a person who was actually in the hall when they called out. It didn’t matter, he said, that we couldn't understand what motivated the person who made the signal to come here. How little we understood the situation and intentions of those around us! The city was close by, and there could be thousands there whose abilities and motives could easily clarify anything mysterious about this event. Regarding the conversation in the closet, he had to choose between two possibilities: either it was created in my own imagination, or it actually took place between two people in the closet.
Such was Carwin's mode of explaining these appearances. It is such, perhaps, as would commend itself as most plausible to the most sagacious minds, but it was insufficient to impart conviction to us. As to the treason that was meditated against me, it was doubtless just to conclude that it was either real or imaginary; but that it was real was attested by the mysterious warning in the summer-house, the secret of which I had hitherto locked up in my own breast.
Such was Carwin's way of explaining these events. It might seem the most convincing to the smartest people, but it didn’t convince us. As for the betrayal planned against me, it was fair to think it could be either real or just in my head; however, it was real, as proven by the mysterious warning in the summer-house, a secret I had kept to myself until now.
A month passed away in this kind of intercourse. As to Carwin, our ignorance was in no degree enlightened respecting his genuine character and views. Appearances were uniform. No man possessed a larger store of knowledge, or a greater degree of skill in the communication of it to others; Hence he was regarded as an inestimable addition to our society. Considering the distance of my brother's house from the city, he was frequently prevailed upon to pass the night where he spent the evening. Two days seldom elapsed without a visit from him; hence he was regarded as a kind of inmate of the house. He entered and departed without ceremony. When he arrived he received an unaffected welcome, and when he chose to retire, no importunities were used to induce him to remain.
A month went by with this kind of interaction. As for Carwin, we remained completely in the dark about his true character and intentions. Everything seemed consistent. No one had a greater store of knowledge or was better at sharing it with others; therefore, he was seen as an invaluable addition to our group. Considering the distance from my brother's house to the city, he was often persuaded to stay over after spending the evening. Hardly two days went by without a visit from him; thus, he was treated like a kind of houseguest. He came and went without any formalities. When he arrived, he was greeted warmly, and when he decided to leave, no one pressured him to stay.
The temple was the principal scene of our social enjoyments; yet the felicity that we tasted when assembled in this asylum, was but the gleam of a former sun-shine. Carwin never parted with his gravity. The inscrutableness of his character, and the uncertainty whether his fellowship tended to good or to evil, were seldom absent from our minds. This circumstance powerfully contributed to sadden us.
The temple was the main place for our social gatherings; however, the happiness we felt when we came together in this refuge was only a glimpse of past joy. Carwin never lost his serious demeanor. The mystery of his character and the doubt about whether his company was beneficial or harmful were rarely out of our thoughts. This situation greatly contributed to our gloom.
My heart was the seat of growing disquietudes. This change in one who had formerly been characterized by all the exuberances of soul, could not fail to be remarked by my friends. My brother was always a pattern of solemnity. My sister was clay, moulded by the circumstances in which she happened to be placed. There was but one whose deportment remains to be described as being of importance to our happiness. Had Pleyel likewise dismissed his vivacity?
My heart was filled with growing unease. This change in someone who had once been known for all their joyful energy couldn't go unnoticed by my friends. My brother was always serious. My sister was shaped by the situations she found herself in. There was only one person whose behavior is crucial to our happiness that I need to mention. Had Pleyel also lost his liveliness?
He was as whimsical and jestful as ever, but he was not happy. The truth, in this respect, was of too much importance to me not to make me a vigilant observer. His mirth was easily perceived to be the fruit of exertion. When his thoughts wandered from the company, an air of dissatisfaction and impatience stole across his features. Even the punctuality and frequency of his visits were somewhat lessened. It may be supposed that my own uneasiness was heightened by these tokens; but, strange as it may seem, I found, in the present state of my mind, no relief but in the persuasion that Pleyel was unhappy.
He was as playful and joking as ever, but he was not happy. The truth in this regard was too important for me to avoid being a careful observer. His laughter was clearly the result of effort. When his mind drifted away from the group, a sense of dissatisfaction and impatience would show on his face. Even the regularity and number of his visits had noticeably decreased. It might be thought that my own anxiety increased because of these signs; but, oddly enough, I found no comfort in my current state of mind except in the belief that Pleyel was unhappy.
That unhappiness, indeed, depended, for its value in my eyes, on the cause that produced it. It did not arise from the death of the Saxon lady: it was not a contagious emanation from the countenances of Wieland or Carwin. There was but one other source whence it could flow. A nameless ecstacy thrilled through my frame when any new proof occurred that the ambiguousness of my behaviour was the cause.
That unhappiness, in fact, mattered to me because of what caused it. It didn't come from the death of the Saxon woman; it wasn't a contagious feeling from the expressions of Wieland or Carwin. There was only one other possibility for its source. A strange excitement rushed through me whenever I got new evidence that the confusion surrounding my actions was to blame.
Chapter IX
My brother had received a new book from Germany. It was a tragedy, and the first attempt of a Saxon poet, of whom my brother had been taught to entertain the highest expectations. The exploits of Zisca, the Bohemian hero, were woven into a dramatic series and connection. According to German custom, it was minute and diffuse, and dictated by an adventurous and lawless fancy. It was a chain of audacious acts, and unheard-of disasters. The moated fortress, and the thicket; the ambush and the battle; and the conflict of headlong passions, were pourtrayed in wild numbers, and with terrific energy. An afternoon was set apart to rehearse this performance. The language was familiar to all of us but Carwin, whose company, therefore, was tacitly dispensed with.
My brother had received a new book from Germany. It was a tragedy and the first attempt by a Saxon poet, of whom my brother had been taught to have high hopes. The exploits of Zisca, the Bohemian hero, were woven into a dramatic series and connection. True to German custom, it was detailed and sprawling, driven by an adventurous and reckless imagination. It was a chain of bold actions and unimaginable disasters. The moated fortress, the thicket, the ambush, the battle, and the clash of intense emotions were depicted in stirring verses and with powerful energy. We set aside an afternoon to rehearse this performance. The language was familiar to all of us except Carwin, whose presence was silently ignored.
The morning previous to this intended rehearsal, I spent at home. My mind was occupied with reflections relative to my own situation. The sentiment which lived with chief energy in my heart, was connected with the image of Pleyel. In the midst of my anguish, I had not been destitute of consolation. His late deportment had given spring to my hopes. Was not the hour at hand, which should render me the happiest of human creatures? He suspected that I looked with favorable eyes upon Carwin. Hence arose disquietudes, which he struggled in vain to conceal. He loved me, but was hopeless that his love would be compensated. Is it not time, said I, to rectify this error? But by what means is this to be effected? It can only be done by a change of deportment in me; but how must I demean myself for this purpose?
The morning before the planned rehearsal, I stayed home. My mind was focused on thoughts about my situation. The feeling that was strongest in my heart was tied to the image of Pleyel. Despite my pain, I wasn’t without comfort. His recent behavior had renewed my hopes. Wasn’t the moment coming that would make me the happiest person alive? He suspected that I had feelings for Carwin. This caused him unease, which he struggled to hide. He loved me but felt hopeless that his love would be returned. Isn’t it time, I thought, to correct this misunderstanding? But how can I do that? It can only be achieved by changing my behavior; but how should I act to make this happen?
I must not speak. Neither eyes, nor lips, must impart the information. He must not be assured that my heart is his, previous to the tender of his own; but he must be convinced that it has not been given to another; he must be supplied with space whereon to build a doubt as to the true state of my affections; he must be prompted to avow himself. The line of delicate propriety; how hard it is, not to fall short, and not to overleap it!
I can’t say a word. Neither my eyes nor my lips should reveal anything. He can’t know that my heart is his before he offers his own; he needs to believe that I haven’t given it to someone else. He should have room to question the real state of my feelings; he should be encouraged to confess his own. The balance of delicate propriety—how difficult it is to not fall short or go too far!
This afternoon we shall meet at the temple. We shall not separate till late. It will be his province to accompany me home. The airy expanse is without a speck. This breeze is usually stedfast, and its promise of a bland and cloudless evening, may be trusted. The moon will rise at eleven, and at that hour, we shall wind along this bank. Possibly that hour may decide my fate. If suitable encouragement be given, Pleyel will reveal his soul to me; and I, ere I reach this threshold, will be made the happiest of beings. And is this good to be mine? Add wings to thy speed, sweet evening; and thou, moon, I charge thee, shroud thy beams at the moment when my Pleyel whispers love. I would not for the world, that the burning blushes, and the mounting raptures of that moment, should be visible.
This afternoon we’ll meet at the temple. We won't separate until late. He’ll be the one to take me home. The sky is completely clear. This breeze usually stays steady, and we can trust it to bring a pleasant and cloudless evening. The moon will rise at eleven, and at that time, we’ll stroll along this bank. That hour might change my future. If I give him the right encouragement, Pleyel will open up to me, and before I reach this doorway, I’ll be the happiest person alive. And will this happiness be mine? Hurry up, sweet evening; and you, moon, please dim your light at the moment my Pleyel whispers love. I wouldn’t want the world to see the burning blush and overwhelming joy of that moment.
But what encouragement is wanting? I must be regardful of insurmountable limits. Yet when minds are imbued with a genuine sympathy, are not words and looks superfluous? Are not motion and touch sufficient to impart feelings such as mine? Has he not eyed me at moments, when the pressure of his hand has thrown me into tumults, and was it possible that he mistook the impetuosities of love, for the eloquence of indignation?
But what encouragement is needed? I have to be mindful of impossible limits. Yet when people feel genuine sympathy, aren’t words and looks unnecessary? Isn’t movement and touch enough to convey feelings like mine? Hasn’t he looked at me in ways that made his hand's pressure send me into chaos, and could it be that he confused the intensity of love with expressions of anger?
But the hastening evening will decide. Would it were come! And yet I shudder at its near approach. An interview that must thus terminate, is surely to be wished for by me; and yet it is not without its terrors. Would to heaven it were come and gone!
But the approaching evening will decide. I wish it would hurry up! And yet I shudder at its coming. An interview that has to end this way is something I definitely want; but it’s not without its fears. I wish it would just come and be over with!
I feel no reluctance, my friends to be thus explicit. Time was, when these emotions would be hidden with immeasurable solicitude, from every human eye. Alas! these airy and fleeting impulses of shame are gone. My scruples were preposterous and criminal. They are bred in all hearts, by a perverse and vicious education, and they would still have maintained their place in my heart, had not my portion been set in misery. My errors have taught me thus much wisdom; that those sentiments which we ought not to disclose, it is criminal to harbour.
I have no hesitation, my friends, in being this straightforward. There was a time when I would have hidden these feelings with great care from every person. Sadly, those light and fleeting feelings of shame are gone. My doubts were unreasonable and wrong. They are created in every heart through a twisted and harmful upbringing, and they would still exist in my heart if I hadn’t experienced such suffering. My mistakes have shown me this much wisdom: that the feelings we shouldn’t share are wrong to keep inside.
It was proposed to begin the rehearsal at four o'clock; I counted the minutes as they passed; their flight was at once too rapid and too slow; my sensations were of an excruciating kind; I could taste no food, nor apply to any task, nor enjoy a moment's repose: when the hour arrived, I hastened to my brother's.
It was suggested to start the rehearsal at four o'clock; I watched the minutes go by; they felt both too fast and too slow at the same time; my feelings were unbearable; I couldn't eat, focus on any task, or enjoy a moment of rest: when the time came, I rushed over to my brother's.
Pleyel was not there. He had not yet come. On ordinary occasions, he was eminent for punctuality. He had testified great eagerness to share in the pleasures of this rehearsal. He was to divide the task with my brother, and, in tasks like these, he always engaged with peculiar zeal. His elocution was less sweet than sonorous; and, therefore, better adapted than the mellifluences of his friend, to the outrageous vehemence of this drama.
Pleyel wasn't there. He hadn't arrived yet. Normally, he was known for being on time. He had shown a strong desire to be a part of the fun during this rehearsal. He was supposed to share the task with my brother, and in situations like this, he always showed a unique enthusiasm. His speaking style was less melodic and more powerful; and because of that, it suited the intense passion of this drama better than the smoothness of his friend's.
What could detain him? Perhaps he lingered through forgetfulness. Yet this was incredible. Never had his memory been known to fail upon even more trivial occasions. Not less impossible was it, that the scheme had lost its attractions, and that he staid, because his coming would afford him no gratification. But why should we expect him to adhere to the minute?
What could be holding him up? Maybe he was just distracted. But that seemed unlikely. His memory had never let him down over even less important matters. It was also hard to believe that the plan had lost its appeal and that he stayed away simply because it wouldn’t bring him any enjoyment. But why should we expect him to stick to the details?
An half hour elapsed, but Pleyel was still at a distance. Perhaps he had misunderstood the hour which had been proposed. Perhaps he had conceived that to-morrow, and not to-day, had been selected for this purpose: but no. A review of preceding circumstances demonstrated that such misapprehension was impossible; for he had himself proposed this day, and this hour. This day, his attention would not otherwise be occupied; but to-morrow, an indispensible engagement was foreseen, by which all his time would be engrossed: his detention, therefore, must be owing to some unforeseen and extraordinary event. Our conjectures were vague, tumultuous, and sometimes fearful. His sickness and his death might possibly have detained him.
Half an hour passed, but Pleyel was still not there. Maybe he misunderstood the proposed time. Perhaps he thought it was supposed to be tomorrow, not today: but that didn’t seem likely. A look back at what had happened before showed that such a misunderstanding was impossible; he had himself suggested this day and this time. Today, he would have no other commitments, but tomorrow, he had an important engagement that would take up all his time, so his absence must be due to some unexpected and extraordinary situation. Our speculations were vague, chaotic, and sometimes frightening. His illness or even his death might have caused him to be late.
Tortured with suspense, we sat gazing at each other, and at the path which led from the road. Every horseman that passed was, for a moment, imagined to be him. Hour succeeded hour, and the sun, gradually declining, at length, disappeared. Every signal of his coming proved fallacious, and our hopes were at length dismissed. His absence affected my friends in no insupportable degree. They should be obliged, they said, to defer this undertaking till the morrow; and, perhaps, their impatient curiosity would compel them to dispense entirely with his presence. No doubt, some harmless occurrence had diverted him from his purpose; and they trusted that they should receive a satisfactory account of him in the morning.
Tortured by suspense, we sat looking at each other and at the path that led from the road. Every horseman who passed by made us momentarily think it was him. Hour after hour went by, and the sun, slowly setting, finally disappeared. Every sign of his arrival turned out to be false, and our hopes eventually faded. His absence didn't seem to bother my friends too much. They said they would have to postpone this undertaking until tomorrow; maybe their growing curiosity would push them to carry on without him altogether. They figured some trivial event had distracted him from his plans, and they hoped to hear a good update about him in the morning.
It may be supposed that this disappointment affected me in a very different manner. I turned aside my head to conceal my tears. I fled into solitude, to give vent to my reproaches, without interruption or restraint. My heart was ready to burst with indignation and grief. Pleyel was not the only object of my keen but unjust upbraiding. Deeply did I execrate my own folly. Thus fallen into ruins was the gay fabric which I had reared! Thus had my golden vision melted into air!
It’s likely that this disappointment impacted me in a very different way. I turned my head to hide my tears. I sought solitude to express my frustrations without any interruptions or limits. My heart was about to explode with anger and sadness. Pleyel wasn’t the only one receiving my sharp but unfair criticism. I deeply condemned my own foolishness. The joyful dreams I had built had completely collapsed! My golden visions had vanished into thin air!
How fondly did I dream that Pleyel was a lover! If he were, would he have suffered any obstacle to hinder his coming? Blind and infatuated man! I exclaimed. Thou sportest with happiness. The good that is offered thee, thou hast the insolence and folly to refuse. Well, I will henceforth intrust my felicity to no one's keeping but my own.
How fondly I dreamed that Pleyel was a lover! If he really was, would he have let anything stop him from coming? Blind, foolish man! I exclaimed. You play with happiness. The good that's being offered to you, you have the arrogance and stupidity to turn down. Well, from now on, I won’t be trusting my happiness to anyone but myself.
The first agonies of this disappointment would not allow me to be reasonable or just. Every ground on which I had built the persuasion that Pleyel was not unimpressed in my favor, appeared to vanish. It seemed as if I had been misled into this opinion, by the most palpable illusions.
The initial pain of this disappointment made it impossible for me to think clearly or fairly. Every reason I had for believing that Pleyel was interested in me seemed to disappear. It felt like I had been tricked into thinking that, by the most obvious deceptions.
I made some trifling excuse, and returned, much earlier than I expected, to my own house. I retired early to my chamber, without designing to sleep. I placed myself at a window, and gave the reins to reflection.
I came up with a small excuse and got back to my house much earlier than I thought I would. I went to my room early, not planning to sleep. I sat by a window and let my thoughts flow freely.
The hateful and degrading impulses which had lately controuled me were, in some degree, removed. New dejection succeeded, but was now produced by contemplating my late behaviour. Surely that passion is worthy to be abhorred which obscures our understanding, and urges us to the commission of injustice. What right had I to expect his attendance? Had I not demeaned myself like one indifferent to his happiness, and as having bestowed my regards upon another? His absence might be prompted by the love which I considered his absence as a proof that he wanted. He came not because the sight of me, the spectacle of my coldness or aversion, contributed to his despair. Why should I prolong, by hypocrisy or silence, his misery as well as my own? Why not deal with him explicitly, and assure him of the truth?
The hateful and degrading feelings that had recently taken over me were, to some extent, lifted. New sadness set in, but this time it came from reflecting on my recent behavior. Surely that kind of passion deserves to be hated; it clouds our judgment and drives us to act unjustly. What right did I have to expect him to be there for me? Had I not behaved like I didn’t care about his happiness and shown my affections to someone else? His absence might be driven by the love I thought he was missing. He didn’t come because seeing me, experiencing my coldness or disdain, added to his despair. Why should I prolong his suffering, as well as my own, with hypocrisy or silence? Why not be honest with him and let him know the truth?
You will hardly believe that, in obedience to this suggestion, I rose for the purpose of ordering a light, that I might instantly make this confession in a letter. A second thought shewed me the rashness of this scheme, and I wondered by what infirmity of mind I could be betrayed into a momentary approbation of it. I saw with the utmost clearness that a confession like that would be the most remediless and unpardonable outrage upon the dignity of my sex, and utterly unworthy of that passion which controuled me.
You can hardly believe that, following this suggestion, I got up to order a light so I could immediately make this confession in a letter. A second thought showed me how foolish this idea was, and I wondered what weakness of mind had led me to temporarily approve of it. I clearly saw that a confession like that would be the most unforgivable and disgraceful betrayal of my dignity as a woman, completely unworthy of the passion that controlled me.
I resumed my seat and my musing. To account for the absence of Pleyel became once more the scope of my conjectures. How many incidents might occur to raise an insuperable impediment in his way? When I was a child, a scheme of pleasure, in which he and his sister were parties, had been, in like manner, frustrated by his absence; but his absence, in that instance, had been occasioned by his falling from a boat into the river, in consequence of which he had run the most imminent hazard of being drowned. Here was a second disappointment endured by the same persons, and produced by his failure. Might it not originate in the same cause? Had he not designed to cross the river that morning to make some necessary purchases in Jersey? He had preconcerted to return to his own house to dinner; but, perhaps, some disaster had befallen him. Experience had taught me the insecurity of a canoe, and that was the only kind of boat which Pleyel used: I was, likewise, actuated by an hereditary dread of water. These circumstances combined to bestow considerable plausibility on this conjecture; but the consternation with which I began to be seized was allayed by reflecting, that if this disaster had happened my brother would have received the speediest information of it. The consolation which this idea imparted was ravished from me by a new thought. This disaster might have happened, and his family not be apprized of it. The first intelligence of his fate may be communicated by the livid corpse which the tide may cast, many days hence, upon the shore.
I took my seat again and went back to thinking. Trying to figure out why Pleyel was missing became my main focus. How many things could be going wrong to keep him from showing up? When I was a kid, a fun plan involving him and his sister had fallen apart for the same reason; back then, he had missed out because he fell out of a boat into the river and almost drowned. Now, there was a second disappointment for both of them caused by his absence. Could it be for the same reason? Hadn’t he planned to cross the river that morning to buy some things in Jersey? He had intended to come back home for dinner, but maybe something had gone wrong. I knew from experience that a canoe, which was the only type of boat Pleyel used, was not very safe, and I also had a long-standing fear of water. These factors made this idea seem pretty plausible; however, my rising panic eased when I thought that if something had happened, my brother would have heard about it right away. But that comfort was snatched away by a new thought. What if this disaster had happened and his family didn’t know? The first news of his fate might come days later when the tide washed up his lifeless body on the shore.
Thus was I distressed by opposite conjectures: thus was I tormented by phantoms of my own creation. It was not always thus. I can ascertain the date when my mind became the victim of this imbecility; perhaps it was coeval with the inroad of a fatal passion; a passion that will never rank me in the number of its eulogists; it was alone sufficient to the extermination of my peace: it was itself a plenteous source of calamity, and needed not the concurrence of other evils to take away the attractions of existence, and dig for me an untimely grave.
I was torn apart by conflicting thoughts: I was haunted by nightmares of my own making. It wasn't always like this. I can pinpoint when my mind fell victim to this foolishness; maybe it started with an overwhelming passion—a passion that will never allow me to be among its admirers. It was enough to destroy my peace; it was a major source of misfortune, and it didn’t need any other troubles to strip away the joys of life and lead me to an early grave.
The state of my mind naturally introduced a train of reflections upon the dangers and cares which inevitably beset an human being. By no violent transition was I led to ponder on the turbulent life and mysterious end of my father. I cherished, with the utmost veneration, the memory of this man, and every relique connected with his fate was preserved with the most scrupulous care. Among these was to be numbered a manuscript, containing memoirs of his own life. The narrative was by no means recommended by its eloquence; but neither did all its value flow from my relationship to the author. Its stile had an unaffected and picturesque simplicity. The great variety and circumstantial display of the incidents, together with their intrinsic importance, as descriptive of human manners and passions, made it the most useful book in my collection. It was late; but being sensible of no inclination to sleep, I resolved to betake myself to the perusal of it.
The state of my mind naturally led me to reflect on the dangers and worries that inevitably surround a person. I found myself contemplating the troubled life and mysterious death of my father without any sudden shift in thought. I held the memory of this man in the highest regard, and every memento related to his fate was preserved with great care. Among these was a manuscript containing his memoirs. The narrative wasn't particularly eloquent, but its value wasn't just because he was my father. Its style had a genuine and vivid simplicity. The wide variety and detailed presentation of the events, along with their inherent significance in depicting human behavior and emotions, made it the most valuable book in my collection. It was late, but since I didn't feel any urge to sleep, I decided to read it.
To do this it was requisite to procure a light. The girl had long since retired to her chamber: it was therefore proper to wait upon myself. A lamp, and the means of lighting it, were only to be found in the kitchen. Thither I resolved forthwith to repair; but the light was of use merely to enable me to read the book. I knew the shelf and the spot where it stood. Whether I took down the book, or prepared the lamp in the first place, appeared to be a matter of no moment. The latter was preferred, and, leaving my seat, I approached the closet in which, as I mentioned formerly, my books and papers were deposited.
To do this, I needed to get a light. The girl had already gone to her room, so it was up to me to handle it. A lamp and the supplies to light it could only be found in the kitchen. I decided to head there right away; however, the light would only be useful for reading the book. I knew exactly where the shelf was and where the book sat. It didn’t really matter whether I took the book down first or lit the lamp. I chose to light the lamp first, and after leaving my seat, I walked over to the closet where, as I mentioned before, my books and papers were stored.
Suddenly the remembrance of what had lately passed in this closet occurred. Whether midnight was approaching, or had passed, I knew not. I was, as then, alone, and defenceless. The wind was in that direction in which, aided by the deathlike repose of nature, it brought to me the murmur of the water-fall. This was mingled with that solemn and enchanting sound, which a breeze produces among the leaves of pines. The words of that mysterious dialogue, their fearful import, and the wild excess to which I was transported by my terrors, filled my imagination anew. My steps faultered, and I stood a moment to recover myself.
Suddenly, the memory of what had just happened in this closet hit me. I wasn't sure if midnight was approaching or if it had already passed. I was, just like then, alone and unprotected. The wind was blowing in the direction that, combined with the lifeless stillness of nature, brought me the sound of the waterfall. This sound mixed with the haunting and beautiful noise created by a breeze moving through the pine leaves. The words of that mysterious conversation, their ominous meaning, and the wild panic that had taken over me filled my imagination once again. My steps wavered, and I paused for a moment to collect myself.
I prevailed on myself at length to move towards the closet. I touched the lock, but my fingers were powerless; I was visited afresh by unconquerable apprehensions. A sort of belief darted into my mind, that some being was concealed within, whose purposes were evil. I began to contend with those fears, when it occurred to me that I might, without impropriety, go for a lamp previously to opening the closet. I receded a few steps; but before I reached my chamber door my thoughts took a new direction. Motion seemed to produce a mechanical influence upon me. I was ashamed of my weakness. Besides, what aid could be afforded me by a lamp?
I finally forced myself to go toward the closet. I touched the lock, but my fingers felt useless; I was hit again by overwhelming fear. A thought flashed into my mind that someone, with bad intentions, was hiding inside. I started to fight against those fears, when it occurred to me that I could, without any shame, go get a lamp before opening the closet. I stepped back a few paces, but before I reached my room door, my thoughts changed direction. Moving made me feel mechanically compelled. I felt embarrassed by my weakness. Besides, what good would a lamp do me?
My fears had pictured to themselves no precise object. It would be difficult to depict, in words, the ingredients and hues of that phantom which haunted me. An hand invisible and of preternatural strength, lifted by human passions, and selecting my life for its aim, were parts of this terrific image. All places were alike accessible to this foe, or if his empire were restricted by local bounds, those bounds were utterly inscrutable by me. But had I not been told by some one in league with this enemy, that every place but the recess in the bank was exempt from danger? I returned to the closet, and once more put my hand upon the lock. O! may my ears lose their sensibility, ere they be again assailed by a shriek so terrible! Not merely my understanding was subdued by the sound: it acted on my nerves like an edge of steel. It appeared to cut asunder the fibres of my brain, and rack every joint with agony.
My fears had no specific target in mind. It’s hard to explain, in words, the elements and colors of that haunting presence that followed me. An invisible hand, with unnatural strength, driven by human emotions, seemed to choose my life as its goal, forming part of this terrifying image. This enemy could reach me anywhere, and even if its territory had limits, those limits were completely unclear to me. But wasn’t I told by someone aligned with this foe that every place except the spot by the bank was safe? I went back to the closet and put my hand on the lock again. Oh! I hope my ears lose their sensitivity before they hear another scream so awful! It didn’t just overwhelm my understanding: it hit my nerves like a sharp blade. It felt like it sliced through the fibers of my brain and tortured every joint with pain.
The cry, loud and piercing as it was, was nevertheless human. No articulation was ever more distinct. The breath which accompanied it did not fan my hair, yet did every circumstance combine to persuade me that the lips which uttered it touched my very shoulder.
The scream, loud and sharp as it was, was still human. No sound was ever more clear. The breath that came with it didn’t ruffle my hair, yet everything pointed to the fact that the lips that made it were right next to my shoulder.
"Hold! Hold!" were the words of this tremendous prohibition, in whose tone the whole soul seemed to be wrapped up, and every energy converted into eagerness and terror.
"Stop! Stop!" were the words of this powerful command, in whose tone the entire essence seemed to be invested, and every ounce of energy turned into anticipation and fear.
Shuddering, I dashed myself against the wall, and by the same involuntary impulse, turned my face backward to examine the mysterious monitor. The moon-light streamed into each window, and every corner of the room was conspicuous, and yet I beheld nothing!
Shivering, I slammed myself against the wall, and with the same instinctive impulse, I turned my face back to look at the mysterious monitor. Moonlight poured in through every window, making every corner of the room obvious, and yet I saw nothing!
The interval was too brief to be artificially measured, between the utterance of these words, and my scrutiny directed to the quarter whence they came. Yet if a human being had been there, could he fail to have been visible? Which of my senses was the prey of a fatal illusion? The shock which the sound produced was still felt in every part of my frame. The sound, therefore, could not but be a genuine commotion. But that I had heard it, was not more true than that the being who uttered it was stationed at my right ear; yet my attendant was invisible.
The time between the moment those words were spoken and my focus on where they came from was too short to measure. But if a person had been there, how could they not have been seen? Which of my senses was deceived? I still felt the impact of that sound throughout my body. So, it had to be a real disturbance. But while I had definitely heard it, it was just as true that the person who said it was right next to me, yet my companion was nowhere to be seen.
I cannot describe the state of my thoughts at that moment. Surprize had mastered my faculties. My frame shook, and the vital current was congealed. I was conscious only to the vehemence of my sensations. This condition could not be lasting. Like a tide, which suddenly mounts to an overwhelming height, and then gradually subsides, my confusion slowly gave place to order, and my tumults to a calm. I was able to deliberate and move. I resumed my feet, and advanced into the midst of the room. Upward, and behind, and on each side, I threw penetrating glances. I was not satisfied with one examination. He that hitherto refused to be seen, might change his purpose, and on the next survey be clearly distinguishable.
I can't explain how I felt at that moment. Surprise had taken over my mind. My body trembled, and I felt frozen. All I was aware of were the intensity of my feelings. This couldn’t last forever. Like a tide that suddenly rises to an overwhelming height and then slowly recedes, my confusion gradually gave way to clarity, and my chaos turned into calmness. I could think and move again. I got back on my feet and walked into the center of the room. I looked around—upward, behind me, and on both sides—with keen eyes. One glance wasn’t enough. The person who had been hiding might change their mind and become visible during my next look.
Solitude imposes least restraint upon the fancy. Dark is less fertile of images than the feeble lustre of the moon. I was alone, and the walls were chequered by shadowy forms. As the moon passed behind a cloud and emerged, these shadows seemed to be endowed with life, and to move. The apartment was open to the breeze, and the curtain was occasionally blown from its ordinary position. This motion was not unaccompanied with sound. I failed not to snatch a look, and to listen when this motion and this sound occurred. My belief that my monitor was posted near, was strong, and instantly converted these appearances to tokens of his presence, and yet I could discern nothing.
Solitude lets the imagination run free. Darkness creates fewer images than the weak glow of the moon. I was alone, and the walls were filled with shifting shadows. As the moon slipped behind a cloud and then came back out, those shadows seemed alive and began to move. The room was open to the breeze, and the curtain occasionally fluttered out of place. This movement came with sounds. I couldn’t help but glance over and listen when that motion and sound happened. I strongly believed my watcher was nearby, and that quickly turned these sights into signs of their presence, but I couldn’t see anything.
When my thoughts were at length permitted to revert to the past, the first idea that occurred was the resemblance between the words of the voice which I had just heard, and those which had terminated my dream in the summer-house. There are means by which we are able to distinguish a substance from a shadow, a reality from the phantom of a dream. The pit, my brother beckoning me forward, the seizure of my arm, and the voice behind, were surely imaginary. That these incidents were fashioned in my sleep, is supported by the same indubitable evidence that compels me to believe myself awake at present; yet the words and the voice were the same. Then, by some inexplicable contrivance, I was aware of the danger, while my actions and sensations were those of one wholly unacquainted with it. Now, was it not equally true that my actions and persuasions were at war? Had not the belief, that evil lurked in the closet, gained admittance, and had not my actions betokened an unwarrantable security? To obviate the effects of my infatuation, the same means had been used.
When I finally let my thoughts go back to the past, the first thing that popped into my mind was how similar the voice I had just heard was to the one that had woken me from my dream in the summer house. There are ways to tell a real thing from a shadow, a reality from the illusion of a dream. The pit, my brother signaling me to come closer, the way someone grabbed my arm, and the voice behind me were definitely just figments of my imagination. The fact that these events were created in my sleep is supported by the same undeniable proof that makes me believe I’m awake now; yet the words and the voice were identical. Somehow, I was aware of the danger, even though my actions and feelings didn’t match that awareness at all. Wasn’t it also true that my instincts and beliefs were in conflict? Hadn’t the idea that something sinister was hiding in the closet made its way in, while my actions showed an undue sense of safety? To counteract the effects of my foolishness, the same methods had been employed.
In my dream, he that tempted me to my destruction, was my brother. Death was ambushed in my path. From what evil was I now rescued? What minister or implement of ill was shut up in this recess? Who was it whose suffocating grasp I was to feel, should I dare to enter it? What monstrous conception is this? my brother!
In my dream, the one who tempted me toward my downfall was my brother. Death lay in wait on my path. From what evil was I now saved? What agent or tool of harm was hidden in this place? Who was it whose suffocating grip I would feel if I dared to go in? What horrific idea is this? My brother!
No; protection, and not injury is his province. Strange and terrible chimera! Yet it would not be suddenly dismissed. It was surely no vulgar agency that gave this form to my fears. He to whom all parts of time are equally present, whom no contingency approaches, was the author of that spell which now seized upon me. Life was dear to me. No consideration was present that enjoined me to relinquish it. Sacred duty combined with every spontaneous sentiment to endear to me my being. Should I not shudder when my being was endangered? But what emotion should possess me when the arm lifted aginst me was Wieland's?
No; protection, not harm, is his role. Strange and terrifying creature! Yet it couldn't just be dismissed. It was certainly no ordinary force that gave shape to my fears. He, for whom all moments in time are equally present, and who is untouched by chance, was the source of the spell that now gripped me. Life was precious to me. There was no reason compelling me to let it go. A sacred duty, combined with every natural feeling, made me cherish my existence. Shouldn't I be afraid when my life was at risk? But what emotions would I feel when the hand raised against me was Wieland's?
Ideas exist in our minds that can be accounted for by no established laws. Why did I dream that my brother was my foe? Why but because an omen of my fate was ordained to be communicated? Yet what salutary end did it serve? Did it arm me with caution to elude, or fortitude to bear the evils to which I was reserved? My present thoughts were, no doubt, indebted for their hue to the similitude existing between these incidents and those of my dream. Surely it was phrenzy that dictated my deed. That a ruffian was hidden in the closet, was an idea, the genuine tendency of which was to urge me to flight. Such had been the effect formerly produced. Had my mind been simply occupied with this thought at present, no doubt, the same impulse would have been experienced; but now it was my brother whom I was irresistably persuaded to regard as the contriver of that ill of which I had been forewarned. This persuasion did not extenuate my fears or my danger. Why then did I again approach the closet and withdraw the bolt? My resolution was instantly conceived, and executed without faultering.
Ideas exist in our minds that can't be explained by any established rules. Why did I dream that my brother was my enemy? Was it because a sign of my fate needed to be communicated? But what good did it do? Did it make me cautious enough to avoid, or strong enough to endure the troubles I was destined for? My current thoughts were, without a doubt, influenced by the similarities between these events and my dream. Surely it was madness that drove my actions. The thought of a thug hiding in the closet should have made me want to run away. That’s how I reacted before. If my mind had been focused solely on that idea now, I would have felt the same urge; but instead, I felt compelled to see my brother as the mastermind behind the harm I had been warned about. This belief didn't lessen my fears or my danger. So why did I approach the closet again and unlock it? My decision was made instantly and carried out without hesitation.
The door was formed of light materials. The lock, of simple structure, easily forewent its hold. It opened into the room, and commonly moved upon its hinges, after being unfastened, without any effort of mine. This effort, however, was bestowed upon the present occasion. It was my purpose to open it with quickness, but the exertion which I made was ineffectual. It refused to open.
The door was made of lightweight materials. The lock was simple in design and easily released its grip. It led into the room and typically swung on its hinges effortlessly once I unlatched it. However, I put in some effort this time. I intended to open it quickly, but my attempts were unsuccessful. It wouldn't budge.
At another time, this circumstance would not have looked with a face of mystery. I should have supposed some casual obstruction, and repeated my efforts to surmount it. But now my mind was accessible to no conjecture but one. The door was hindered from opening by human force. Surely, here was new cause for affright. This was confirmation proper to decide my conduct. Now was all ground of hesitation taken away. What could be supposed but that I deserted the chamber and the house? that I at least endeavoured no longer to withdraw the door?
At another time, this situation wouldn't have seemed mysterious. I would have thought it was just some random blockage and tried again to get through. But now, I could only think of one explanation. The door was being held shut by someone. This definitely gave me a reason to be scared. It made it clear what I needed to do next. I had no reason to hesitate anymore. What else could I do but leave the room and the house? At the very least, I stopped trying to open the door.
Have I not said that my actions were dictated by phrenzy? My reason had forborne, for a time, to suggest or to sway my resolves. I reiterated my endeavours. I exerted all my force to overcome the obstacle, but in vain. The strength that was exerted to keep it shut, was superior to mine.
Have I not said that my actions were driven by madness? My reason had, for a time, held back from influencing my decisions. I repeated my efforts. I used all my strength to overcome the barrier, but it was pointless. The force used to keep it shut was greater than mine.
A casual observer might, perhaps, applaud the audaciousness of this conduct. Whence, but from an habitual defiance of danger, could my perseverance arise? I have already assigned, as distinctly as I am able, the cause of it. The frantic conception that my brother was within, that the resistance made to my design was exerted by him, had rooted itself in my mind. You will comprehend the height of this infatuation, when I tell you, that, finding all my exertions vain, I betook myself to exclamations. Surely I was utterly bereft of understanding.
A casual observer might, perhaps, admire the boldness of this behavior. Where, if not from a constant disregard for danger, could my determination come from? I’ve already explained, as clearly as I can, the reason behind it. The desperate idea that my brother was inside and that the resistance to my plans was coming from him had taken hold in my mind. You'll understand the extent of this obsession when I tell you that, after realizing all my efforts were futile, I resorted to shouting. Clearly, I was completely out of my mind.
Now had I arrived at the crisis of my fate. "O! hinder not the door to open," I exclaimed, in a tone that had less of fear than of grief in it. "I know you well. Come forth, but harm me not. I beseech you come forth."
Now I had reached the turning point of my destiny. "Oh! Don’t block the door from opening," I shouted, my voice carrying more sorrow than fear. "I know you well. Step out, but don’t hurt me. I beg you, come out."
I had taken my hand from the lock, and removed to a small distance from the door. I had scarcely uttered these words, when the door swung upon its hinges, and displayed to my view the interior of the closet. Whoever was within, was shrouded in darkness. A few seconds passed without interruption of the silence. I knew not what to expect or to fear. My eyes would not stray from the recess. Presently, a deep sigh was heard. The quarter from which it came heightened the eagerness of my gaze. Some one approached from the farther end. I quickly perceived the outlines of a human figure. Its steps were irresolute and slow. I recoiled as it advanced.
I had taken my hand off the lock and stepped back a little from the door. I had barely spoken when the door swung open, revealing the inside of the closet. Whoever was inside was hidden in darkness. A few seconds passed in silence. I didn’t know what to expect or fear. My eyes were glued to the shadows. Soon, I heard a deep sigh. The direction it came from made me even more curious. Someone was coming from the back. I quickly recognized the shape of a person. Their steps were hesitant and slow. I stepped back as they moved closer.
By coming at length within the verge of the room, his form was clearly distinguishable. I had prefigured to myself a very different personage. The face that presented itself was the last that I should desire to meet at an hour, and in a place like this. My wonder was stifled by my fears. Assassins had lurked in this recess. Some divine voice warned me of danger, that at this moment awaited me. I had spurned the intimation, and challenged my adversary.
By finally stepping into the room, I could clearly see his figure. I had imagined someone completely different. The face in front of me was the last one I would want to encounter at a time and place like this. My curiosity was suffocated by my fears. Assassins had hidden in this corner. Some inner voice warned me of the danger that was lurking right now. I had ignored the warning and called out my opponent.
I recalled the mysterious countenance and dubious character of Carwin. What motive but atrocious ones could guide his steps hither? I was alone. My habit suited the hour, and the place, and the warmth of the season. All succour was remote. He had placed himself between me and the door. My frame shook with the vehemence of my apprehensions.
I remembered the strange look and questionable nature of Carwin. What other motives could bring him here except for terrible ones? I was by myself. My outfit was fitting for the time of day, the location, and the warmth of the season. Help was far away. He had positioned himself between me and the door. My body trembled with the intensity of my fears.
Yet I was not wholly lost to myself: I vigilantly marked his demeanour. His looks were grave, but not without perturbation. What species of inquietude it betrayed, the light was not strong enough to enable me to discover. He stood still; but his eyes wandered from one object to another. When these powerful organs were fixed upon me, I shrunk into myself. At length, he broke silence. Earnestness, and not embarrassment, was in his tone. He advanced close to me while he spoke.
Yet I wasn't completely lost to myself: I carefully observed his behavior. His expression was serious, but not without signs of unease. I couldn't quite figure out what kind of anxiety it showed, as the light wasn't strong enough for me to see clearly. He stood still, but his eyes moved from one thing to another. When those intense eyes were focused on me, I felt myself pull inward. Finally, he spoke up. There was seriousness, not awkwardness, in his voice. He stepped closer to me as he talked.
"What voice was that which lately addressed you?"
"What voice was that which just spoke to you?"
He paused for an answer; but observing my trepidation, he resumed, with undiminished solemnity: "Be not terrified. Whoever he was, he hast done you an important service. I need not ask you if it were the voice of a companion. That sound was beyond the compass of human organs. The knowledge that enabled him to tell you who was in the closet, was obtained by incomprehensible means.
He paused for a reply; but seeing my anxiety, he continued with the same seriousness: "Don't be afraid. Whoever he was, he did you a significant favor. I don't need to ask if it was the voice of a friend. That sound was beyond what human abilities can produce. The knowledge that allowed him to tell you who was in the closet came from mysterious sources."
"You knew that Carwin was there. Were you not apprized of his intents? The same power could impart the one as well as the other. Yet, knowing these, you persisted. Audacious girl! but, perhaps, you confided in his guardianship. Your confidence was just. With succour like this at hand you may safely defy me.
"You knew Carwin was there. Weren't you aware of his intentions? The same force could reveal both. Yet, knowing this, you continued. Daring girl! But maybe you trusted in his protection. Your trust was justified. With support like this available, you can confidently challenge me."
"He is my eternal foe; the baffler of my best concerted schemes. Twice have you been saved by his accursed interposition. But for him I should long ere now have borne away the spoils of your honor."
"He is my forever enemy; the disruptor of my best-laid plans. You've been saved twice by his cursed interference. If it weren't for him, I would have taken your honor long ago."
He looked at me with greater stedfastness than before. I became every moment more anxious for my safety. It was with difficulty I stammered out an entreaty that he would instantly depart, or suffer me to do so. He paid no regard to my request, but proceeded in a more impassioned manner.
He looked at me with more intensity than before. I felt increasingly anxious about my safety. I struggled to get out a plea for him to leave immediately or to let me leave. He completely ignored my request and continued with even more passion.
"What is it you fear? Have I not told you, you are safe? Has not one in whom you more reasonably place trust assured you of it? Even if I execute my purpose, what injury is done? Your prejudices will call it by that name, but it merits it not. I was impelled by a sentiment that does you honor; a sentiment, that would sanctify my deed; but, whatever it be, you are safe. Be this chimera still worshipped; I will do nothing to pollute it." There he stopped.
"What are you afraid of? Haven't I told you that you're safe? Isn't there someone you trust who has assured you of that? Even if I go through with my plans, what harm is done? Your biases might label it that way, but it doesn't deserve that. I was driven by a feeling that reflects well on you; a feeling that would make my action noble; but no matter what it is, you are safe. Let this illusion still be worshipped; I won't do anything to tarnish it." Then he stopped.
The accents and gestures of this man left me drained of all courage. Surely, on no other occasion should I have been thus pusillanimous. My state I regarded as a hopeless one. I was wholly at the mercy of this being. Whichever way I turned my eyes, I saw no avenue by which I might escape. The resources of my personal strength, my ingenuity, and my eloquence, I estimated at nothing. The dignity of virtue, and the force of truth, I had been accustomed to celebrate; and had frequently vaunted of the conquests which I should make with their assistance.
The man's accents and gestures completely drained my courage. I definitely shouldn’t have felt this weak at any other time. I saw my situation as hopeless. I was entirely at the mercy of this person. No matter where I looked, I found no way to escape. I viewed my personal strength, creativity, and ability to speak as worthless. I had always celebrated the dignity of virtue and the power of truth, often bragging about the victories I would achieve with their help.
I used to suppose that certain evils could never befall a being in possession of a sound mind; that true virtue supplies us with energy which vice can never resist; that it was always in our power to obstruct, by his own death, the designs of an enemy who aimed at less than our life. How was it that a sentiment like despair had now invaded me, and that I trusted to the protection of chance, or to the pity of my persecutor?
I used to think that certain evils could never happen to someone with a sound mind; that true virtue gives us a strength that vice can never overcome; that we always had the power to thwart an enemy's plans, even through their own death, if they aimed for nothing less than our lives. How is it that a feeling like despair has now taken over me, and that I’m relying on chance or the mercy of my attacker?
His words imparted some notion of the injury which he had meditated. He talked of obstacles that had risen in his way. He had relinquished his design. These sources supplied me with slender consolation. There was no security but in his absence. When I looked at myself, when I reflected on the hour and the place, I was overpowered by horror and dejection.
His words conveyed some idea of the harm he had considered. He spoke about the obstacles that had come up in his way. He had given up on his plan. These reasons offered me little comfort. There was no safety except in his absence. When I looked at myself, when I thought about the time and the place, I was overwhelmed by fear and sadness.
He was silent, museful, and inattentive to my situation, yet made no motion to depart. I was silent in my turn. What could I say? I was confident that reason in this contest would be impotent. I must owe my safety to his own suggestions. Whatever purpose brought him hither, he had changed it. Why then did he remain? His resolutions might fluctuate, and the pause of a few minutes restore to him his first resolutions.
He was quiet, deep in thought, and not paying attention to my situation, but he didn’t make any move to leave. I stayed silent as well. What could I say? I was sure that reason wouldn’t help me here. I had to rely on his own ideas for my safety. Whatever brought him here, he had changed his mind about it. So why was he still here? His decisions could shift, and a few minutes of silence might bring back his original intentions.
Yet was not this the man whom we had treated with unwearied kindness? Whose society was endeared to us by his intellectual elevation and accomplishments? Who had a thousand times expatiated on the usefulness and beauty of virtue? Why should such a one be dreaded? If I could have forgotten the circumstances in which our interview had taken place, I might have treated his words as jests. Presently, he resumed:
Yet wasn't this the man we had always treated with unwavering kindness? Whose company we cherished because of his intelligence and skills? Who had a thousand times elaborated on the importance and beauty of virtue? Why should someone like him be feared? If I could have overlooked the situation in which our meeting had occurred, I might have taken his words as jokes. Soon after, he continued:
"Fear me not: the space that severs us is small, and all visible succour is distant. You believe yourself completely in my power; that you stand upon the brink of ruin. Such are your groundless fears. I cannot lift a finger to hurt you. Easier it would be to stop the moon in her course than to injure you. The power that protects you would crumble my sinews, and reduce me to a heap of ashes in a moment, if I were to harbour a thought hostile to your safety. Thus are appearances at length solved. Little did I expect that they originated hence. What a portion is assigned to you? Scanned by the eyes of this intelligence, your path will be without pits to swallow, or snares to entangle you. Environed by the arms of this protection, all artifices will be frustrated, and all malice repelled."
"Don't be afraid: the distance between us is small, and all the help we can see is far away. You think you’re completely under my control, standing on the edge of disaster. These fears are unfounded. I can’t lift a finger to hurt you. It would be easier to stop the moon from moving than to harm you. The power that protects you would break me apart and turn me into dust in an instant if I even thought of doing anything against your safety. That's how appearances are finally cleared up. I had no idea they came from this. What a special place you hold! Under this intelligence’s watch, your path will be free of pitfalls or traps. Surrounded by this protection, all tricks will be thwarted, and any malice will be pushed away."
Here succeeded a new pause. I was still observant of every gesture and look. The tranquil solemnity that had lately possessed his countenance gave way to a new expression. All now was trepidation and anxiety.
Here came a new pause. I was still watching every gesture and look. The calm seriousness that had recently filled his face changed to a new expression. Now, everything was filled with fear and worry.
"I must be gone," said he in a faltering accent. "Why do I linger here? I will not ask your forgiveness. I see that your terrors are invincible. Your pardon will be extorted by fear, and not dictated by compassion. I must fly from you forever. He that could plot against your honor, must expect from you and your friends persecution and death. I must doom myself to endless exile."
"I have to leave," he said with a shaky voice. "Why am I still here? I won’t ask for your forgiveness. I realize that your fears are too strong. Your mercy will only come from fear, not from kindness. I have to escape from you for good. Someone who could conspire against your honor should expect persecution and death from you and your friends. I have to face a lifetime of exile."
Saying this, he hastily left the room. I listened while he descended the stairs, and, unbolting the outer door, went forth. I did not follow him with my eyes, as the moon-light would have enabled me to do. Relieved by his absence, and exhausted by the conflict of my fears, I threw myself on a chair, and resigned myself to those bewildering ideas which incidents like these could not fail to produce.
Saying this, he quickly left the room. I listened as he went down the stairs and, after unbolting the outer door, stepped outside. I didn’t watch him go, even though the moonlight would have let me. Feeling relieved by his absence and drained from the struggle of my fears, I sank into a chair and surrendered to the confusing thoughts that incidents like this were bound to spark.
Chapter X
Order could not readily be introduced into my thoughts. The voice still rung in my ears. Every accent that was uttered by Carwin was fresh in my remembrance. His unwelcome approach, the recognition of his person, his hasty departure, produced a complex impression on my mind which no words can delineate. I strove to give a slower motion to my thoughts, and to regulate a confusion which became painful; but my efforts were nugatory. I covered my eyes with my hand, and sat, I know not how long, without power to arrange or utter my conceptions.
I couldn’t easily bring order to my thoughts. Carwin's voice still echoed in my ears. Every tone he spoke was vivid in my memory. His unexpected arrival, recognizing who he was, and his quick exit created a complicated mix of feelings in my mind that words can't fully express. I tried to slow down my thoughts and manage the confusion that was becoming overwhelming, but my efforts were useless. I covered my eyes with my hand and sat there, I don't know for how long, unable to organize or express my ideas.
I had remained for hours, as I believed, in absolute solitude. No thought of personal danger had molested my tranquillity. I had made no preparation for defence. What was it that suggested the design of perusing my father's manuscript? If, instead of this, I had retired to bed, and to sleep, to what fate might I not have been reserved? The ruffian, who must almost have suppressed his breathing to screen himself from discovery, would have noticed this signal, and I should have awakened only to perish with affright, and to abhor myself. Could I have remained unconscious of my danger? Could I have tranquilly slept in the midst of so deadly a snare?
I had been alone for hours, or so I thought. No worries about danger had disturbed my calm. I hadn’t prepared for any sort of defense. What made me decide to read my father’s manuscript? If instead I had gone to bed and slept, what fate might have awaited me? The attacker, who must have barely breathed to avoid being discovered, would have seen this sign, and I would have woken up only to meet a terrifying end and to hate myself. Could I really have been unaware of my danger? Could I have calmly slept in the middle of such a deadly trap?
And who was he that threatened to destroy me? By what means could he hide himself in this closet? Surely he is gifted with supernatural power. Such is the enemy of whose attempts I was forewarned. Daily I had seen him and conversed with him. Nothing could be discerned through the impenetrable veil of his duplicity. When busied in conjectures, as to the author of the evil that was threatened, my mind did not light, for a moment, upon his image. Yet has he not avowed himself my enemy? Why should he be here if he had not meditated evil?
And who was he that threatened to destroy me? How could he hide in this closet? He must have some kind of supernatural power. This is the enemy I was warned about. I had seen him and talked to him every day. Nothing could be revealed through the thick veil of his deception. While I was trying to guess the source of the threat, I never once thought of him. But hasn’t he declared himself my enemy? Why would he be here if he wasn’t planning something bad?
He confesses that this has been his second attempt. What was the scene of his former conspiracy? Was it not he whose whispers betrayed him? Am I deceived; or was there not a faint resemblance between the voice of this man and that which talked of grasping my throat, and extinguishing my life in a moment? Then he had a colleague in his crime; now he is alone. Then death was the scope of his thoughts; now an injury unspeakably more dreadful. How thankful should I be to the power that has interposed to save me!
He admits this is his second attempt. What was the setting of his previous plot? Wasn't it him whose whispers exposed his plan? Am I mistaken, or is there a slight similarity between this man's voice and the one that talked about choking me and ending my life in an instant? Back then, he had an accomplice in his wrongdoing; now he is on his own. Back then, death was his main focus; now it’s something far worse. I should be incredibly grateful to the force that intervened to save me!
That power is invisible. It is subject to the cognizance of one of my senses. What are the means that will inform me of what nature it is? He has set himself to counterwork the machinations of this man, who had menaced destruction to all that is dear to me, and whose cunning had surmounted every human impediment. There was none to rescue me from his grasp. My rashness even hastened the completion of his scheme, and precluded him from the benefits of deliberation. I had robbed him of the power to repent and forbear. Had I been apprized of the danger, I should have regarded my conduct as the means of rendering my escape from it impossible. Such, likewise, seem to have been the fears of my invisible protector. Else why that startling intreaty to refrain from opening the closet? By what inexplicable infatuation was I compelled to proceed?
That power is unseen. It's something I can sense but not fully understand. What can tell me what kind of power it is? He has made it his mission to thwart the plans of this man, who threatened to destroy everything I hold dear and whose cleverness has overcome every obstacle. There was no one to save me from his hold. My recklessness only sped up his plan and took away his chance to think it through. I took away his ability to regret and hesitate. If I had known the danger, I would have seen my actions as a way to make my escape impossible. My invisible protector seems to have had similar fears. Why else would there be that urgent plea to not open the closet? What strange obsession led me to keep going?
Yet my conduct was wise. Carwin, unable to comprehend my folly, ascribed my behaviour to my knowledge. He conceived himself previously detected, and such detection being possible to flow only from MY heavenly friend, and HIS enemy, his fears acquired additional strength.
Yet my behavior was smart. Carwin, unable to understand my mistake, attributed my actions to my understanding. He believed he had been caught before, and since that kind of detection could only come from MY celestial friend, and HIS adversary, his fears intensified.
He is apprized of the nature and intentions of this being. Perhaps he is a human agent. Yet, on that supposition his atchievements are incredible. Why should I be selected as the object of his care; or, if a mere mortal, should I not recognize some one, whom, benefits imparted and received had prompted to love me? What were the limits and duration of his guardianship? Was the genius of my birth entrusted by divine benignity with this province? Are human faculties adequate to receive stronger proofs of the existence of unfettered and beneficent intelligences than I have received?
He understands the nature and intentions of this being. Maybe he’s a human agent. Still, if that's the case, his accomplishments are amazing. Why have I been chosen as the focus of his attention? Or, if he’s just a regular person, shouldn’t I recognize someone whose kindness has made them care for me? What are the limits and duration of his protection? Was the essence of my birth entrusted by divine kindness to him? Are human abilities capable of receiving stronger evidence of the existence of free and kind intelligences than what I’ve already experienced?
But who was this man's coadjutor? The voice that acknowledged an alliance in treachery with Carwin warned me to avoid the summer-house. He assured me that there only my safety was endangered. His assurance, as it now appears, was fallacious. Was there not deceit in his admonition? Was his compact really annulled? Some purpose was, perhaps, to be accomplished by preventing my future visits to that spot. Why was I enjoined silence to others, on the subject of this admonition, unless it were for some unauthorized and guilty purpose?
But who was this man's accomplice? The voice that admitted to a partnership in betrayal with Carwin warned me to stay away from the summer house. He told me that it was the only place where my safety was at risk. His assurance, as it now seems, was misleading. Was there not deception in his warning? Was his deal really canceled? Maybe there was a purpose behind stopping me from visiting that place again. Why was I told to keep this warning a secret from others, unless it was for some unauthorized and guilty reason?
No one but myself was accustomed to visit it. Backward, it was hidden from distant view by the rock, and in front, it was screened from all examination, by creeping plants, and the branches of cedars. What recess could be more propitious to secrecy? The spirit which haunted it formerly was pure and rapturous. It was a fane sacred to the memory of infantile days, and to blissful imaginations of the future! What a gloomy reverse had succeeded since the ominous arrival of this stranger! Now, perhaps, it is the scene of his meditations. Purposes fraught with horror, that shun the light, and contemplate the pollution of innocence, are here engendered, and fostered, and reared to maturity.
No one but me used to visit it. Behind it, it was hidden from far away by the rock, and in front, it was covered from any scrutiny by creeping plants and cedar branches. What place could be better for keeping secrets? The spirit that used to linger there was pure and joyful. It was a shrine dedicated to the memory of childhood and to hopeful dreams of the future! What a dark change had taken place since the ominous arrival of this stranger! Now, maybe, it is the setting for his thoughts. Ideas filled with horror, that avoid the light and dwell on the corruption of innocence, are born here, nurtured, and brought to maturity.
Such were the ideas that, during the night, were tumultuously revolved by me. I reviewed every conversation in which Carwin had borne a part. I studied to discover the true inferences deducible from his deportment and words with regard to his former adventures and actual views. I pondered on the comments which he made on the relation which I had given of the closet dialogue. No new ideas suggested themselves in the course of this review. My expectation had, from the first, been disappointed on the small degree of surprize which this narrative excited in him. He never explicitly declared his opinion as to the nature of those voices, or decided whether they were real or visionary. He recommended no measures of caution or prevention.
These were the thoughts that kept swirling in my mind throughout the night. I went over every conversation that Carwin had been part of. I tried to figure out the real meaning behind his behavior and words regarding his past experiences and current perspective. I reflected on his comments about the story I shared about the dialogue in the closet. No new ideas came to me during this reflection. From the beginning, I had been let down by how little surprise this narrative seemed to provoke in him. He never clearly stated his opinion about the nature of those voices or whether he believed they were real or just imaginary. He didn't suggest any precautions or preventive measures.
But what measures were now to be taken? Was the danger which threatened me at an end? Had I nothing more to fear? I was lonely, and without means of defence. I could not calculate the motives and regulate the footsteps of this person. What certainty was there, that he would not re-assume his purposes, and swiftly return to the execution of them?
But what steps should I take now? Was the danger that threatened me over? Did I have nothing left to worry about? I felt alone and defenseless. I couldn't predict this person's motives or control their actions. What guarantee did I have that they wouldn't go back to their original plans and quickly carry them out?
This idea covered me once more with dismay. How deeply did I regret the solitude in which I was placed, and how ardently did I desire the return of day! But neither of these inconveniencies were susceptible of remedy. At first, it occurred to me to summon my servant, and make her spend the night in my chamber; but the inefficacy of this expedient to enhance my safety was easily seen. Once I resolved to leave the house, and retire to my brother's, but was deterred by reflecting on the unseasonableness of the hour, on the alarm which my arrival, and the account which I should be obliged to give, might occasion, and on the danger to which I might expose myself in the way thither. I began, likewise, to consider Carwin's return to molest me as exceedingly improbable. He had relinquished, of his own accord, his design, and departed without compulsion. "Surely," said I, "there is omnipotence in the cause that changed the views of a man like Carwin. The divinity that shielded me from his attempts will take suitable care of my future safety. Thus to yield to my fears is to deserve that they should be real."
This thought filled me with dread again. I felt such deep regret for the loneliness I was in, and I longed for the day to return! But neither of these problems could be fixed. At first, I thought about calling my servant to stay with me for the night, but I quickly realized this wouldn’t really make me any safer. I even considered leaving the house to go to my brother's place, but I hesitated, thinking about how late it was, the alarm my arrival would cause, and the potential danger I would face on the way. I also began to think that Carwin coming back to bother me seemed very unlikely. He had given up his plan on his own and left without any pressure. "Surely," I thought, "there's something powerful behind the decision that changed Carwin's mind. The force that protected me from his actions will look after my safety in the future. To give in to my fears is to invite them to become real."
Scarcely had I uttered these words, when my attention was startled by the sound of footsteps. They denoted some one stepping into the piazza in front of my house. My new-born confidence was extinguished in a moment. Carwin, I thought, had repented his departure, and was hastily returning. The possibility that his return was prompted by intentions consistent with my safety, found no place in my mind. Images of violation and murder assailed me anew, and the terrors which succeeded almost incapacitated me from taking any measures for my defence. It was an impulse of which I was scarcely conscious, that made me fasten the lock and draw the bolts of my chamber door. Having done this, I threw myself on a seat; for I trembled to a degree which disabled me from standing, and my soul was so perfectly absorbed in the act of listening, that almost the vital motions were stopped.
Hardly had I spoken these words when I was startled by the sound of footsteps. Someone was stepping into the courtyard in front of my house. My newfound confidence vanished in an instant. I thought Carwin had changed his mind and was quickly coming back. The idea that his return might be for reasons related to my safety didn’t even cross my mind. Horrific images of assault and murder flooded back, and the fear that followed nearly rendered me incapable of defending myself. It was an instinct I was barely aware of that made me lock and bolt my bedroom door. After doing that, I sank into a chair because I was trembling so much I couldn’t stand, and my mind was so focused on listening that it felt like my very breath had stopped.
The door below creaked on its hinges. It was not again thrust to, but appeared to remain open. Footsteps entered, traversed the entry, and began to mount the stairs. How I detested the folly of not pursuing the man when he withdrew, and bolting after him the outer door! Might he not conceive this omission to be a proof that my angel had deserted me, and be thereby fortified in guilt?
The door below creaked on its hinges. It wasn't pushed shut again but seemed to stay open. Someone came in, walked through the entryway, and started to go up the stairs. I really hated my foolishness for not chasing after the man when he left and for not locking the outer door behind him! Could he think that my failure to act showed that my angel had abandoned me, making him feel more secure in his wrongdoing?
Every step on the stairs, which brought him nearer to my chamber, added vigor to my desperation. The evil with which I was menaced was to be at any rate eluded. How little did I preconceive the conduct which, in an exigence like this, I should be prone to adopt. You will suppose that deliberation and despair would have suggested the same course of action, and that I should have, unhesitatingly, resorted to the best means of personal defence within my power. A penknife lay open upon my table. I remembered that it was there, and seized it. For what purpose you will scarcely inquire. It will be immediately supposed that I meant it for my last refuge, and that if all other means should fail, I should plunge it into the heart of my ravisher.
Every step on the stairs, getting closer to my room, fueled my desperation. I was determined to avoid the danger that threatened me at all costs. I had no clue how I would actually behave in a situation like this. You might think that careful thought and hopelessness would lead me to the same decision, and that I would, without hesitation, turn to the best way to protect myself. A penknife was open on my table. I remembered it was there and grabbed it. You might wonder for what reason. It's easy to assume I intended it as my last resort, and that if all other options failed, I would drive it into the heart of my attacker.
I have lost all faith in the stedfastness of human resolves. It was thus that in periods of calm I had determined to act. No cowardice had been held by me in greater abhorrence than that which prompted an injured female to destroy, not her injurer ere the injury was perpetrated, but herself when it was without remedy. Yet now this penknife appeared to me of no other use than to baffle my assailant, and prevent the crime by destroying myself. To deliberate at such a time was impossible; but among the tumultuous suggestions of the moment, I do not recollect that it once occurred to me to use it as an instrument of direct defence. The steps had now reached the second floor. Every footfall accelerated the completion, without augmenting, the certainty of evil. The consciousness that the door was fast, now that nothing but that was interposed between me and danger, was a source of some consolation. I cast my eye towards the window. This, likewise, was a new suggestion. If the door should give way, it was my sudden resolution to throw myself from the window. Its height from the ground, which was covered beneath by a brick pavement, would insure my destruction; but I thought not of that.
I’ve completely lost faith in the determination of people. It was during calm moments that I had decided to take action. I couldn’t despise cowardice more than the kind that leads a hurt woman to not take down her attacker before the harm is done, but instead to harm herself when there’s no way out. But now, this penknife seemed only useful for stopping my attacker by ending my own life. Thinking clearly in such a moment was impossible; yet, amidst the chaotic thoughts, it never crossed my mind to use it for self-defense. I could hear footsteps climbing to the second floor. Each step quickened the inevitable without making it any less certain. Knowing that the door was locked brought me some comfort, as it was the only thing standing between me and danger. I glanced at the window. This was also a new thought. If the door were to break open, I suddenly decided I would jump from the window. The height above the brick pavement below would certainly kill me, but that didn’t cross my mind.
When opposite to my door the footsteps ceased. Was he listening whether my fears were allayed, and my caution were asleep? Did he hope to take me by surprize? Yet, if so, why did he allow so many noisy signals to betray his approach? Presently the steps were again heard to approach the door. An hand was laid upon the lock, and the latch pulled back. Did he imagine it possible that I should fail to secure the door? A slight effort was made to push it open, as if all bolts being withdrawn, a slight effort only was required.
When the footsteps stopped right in front of my door, I wondered if he was listening to see if my fears had calmed down and if I had let my guard down. Did he think he could catch me off guard? But if that was the plan, why did he make so much noise on his way? Soon, I heard the footsteps getting closer to the door again. A hand reached for the lock, and the latch was pulled back. Did he really think I would forget to secure the door? There was a light push to try and open it, as if he thought that with all the bolts undone, it would only take a little nudge to get in.
I no sooner perceived this, than I moved swiftly towards the window. Carwin's frame might be said to be all muscle. His strength and activity had appeared, in various instances, to be prodigious. A slight exertion of his force would demolish the door. Would not that exertion be made? Too surely it would; but, at the same moment that this obstacle should yield, and he should enter the apartment, my determination was formed to leap from the window. My senses were still bound to this object. I gazed at the door in momentary expectation that the assault would be made. The pause continued. The person without was irresolute and motionless.
As soon as I noticed this, I quickly moved toward the window. Carwin's body was all muscle. His strength and agility had seemed extraordinary in several cases. A small effort from him could break down the door. Would he not make that effort? Of course, he would; but at the same moment that this barrier should give way and he should enter the room, I was determined to jump out of the window. My focus was still on this plan. I stared at the door, waiting for the attack to happen. The silence dragged on. The person outside was hesitant and still.
Suddenly, it occurred to me that Carwin might conceive me to have fled. That I had not betaken myself to flight was, indeed, the least probable of all conclusions. In this persuasion he must have been confirmed on finding the lower door unfastened, and the chamber door locked. Was it not wise to foster this persuasion? Should I maintain deep silence, this, in addition to other circumstances, might encourage the belief, and he would once more depart. Every new reflection added plausibility to this reasoning. It was presently more strongly enforced, when I noticed footsteps withdrawing from the door. The blood once more flowed back to my heart, and a dawn of exultation began to rise: but my joy was short lived. Instead of descending the stairs, he passed to the door of the opposite chamber, opened it, and having entered, shut it after him with a violence that shook the house.
Suddenly, it hit me that Carwin might think I had escaped. The idea that I didn't run away was, in fact, the least likely conclusion. He must have been convinced of this when he found the lower door unlocked and the chamber door locked. Wasn't it smart to encourage this belief? If I stayed silent, along with other factors, it might strengthen his assumption, and he would leave again. Every new thought made this reasoning seem more plausible. My conviction grew stronger when I noticed footsteps moving away from the door. My heart raced, and a wave of excitement started to rise, but my happiness was short-lived. Instead of going down the stairs, he walked over to the door of the opposite room, opened it, and then slammed it shut behind him with a force that shook the house.
How was I to interpret this circumstance? For what end could he have entered this chamber? Did the violence with which he closed the door testify the depth of his vexation? This room was usually occupied by Pleyel. Was Carwin aware of his absence on this night? Could he be suspected of a design so sordid as pillage? If this were his view there were no means in my power to frustrate it. It behoved me to seize the first opportunity to escape; but if my escape were supposed by my enemy to have been already effected, no asylum was more secure than the present. How could my passage from the house be accomplished without noises that might incite him to pursue me?
How was I supposed to understand this situation? What reason could he have had to come into this room? Did the force with which he shut the door show how upset he was? This room was normally used by Pleyel. Did Carwin know he wasn't here tonight? Could he really be planning something as low as theft? If that was his intention, I had no way to stop it. I needed to find the first chance to escape; but if my enemy thought I had already gotten away, there was no place safer than here. How could I leave the house without making noise that would make him chase after me?
Utterly at a loss to account for his going into Pleyel's chamber, I waited in instant expectation of hearing him come forth. All, however, was profoundly still. I listened in vain for a considerable period, to catch the sound of the door when it should again be opened. There was no other avenue by which he could escape, but a door which led into the girl's chamber. Would any evil from this quarter befall the girl?
Completely baffled by his decision to go into Pleyel's room, I waited, fully expecting to hear him come out. However, everything was eerily silent. I listened for a long time, hoping to hear the door open again. There was no other way for him to leave except through a door that led into the girl's room. Would any harm come to her from this situation?
Hence arose a new train of apprehensions. They merely added to the turbulence and agony of my reflections. Whatever evil impended over her, I had no power to avert it. Seclusion and silence were the only means of saving myself from the perils of this fatal night. What solemn vows did I put up, that if I should once more behold the light of day, I would never trust myself again within the threshold of this dwelling!
Hence arose a new wave of worries. They only added to the chaos and pain of my thoughts. Whatever danger threatened her, I couldn’t do anything to stop it. Isolation and silence were the only ways to protect myself from the dangers of this deadly night. What serious promises did I make, that if I ever saw the light of day again, I would never let myself step inside this house again!
Minute lingered after minute, but no token was given that Carwin had returned to the passage. What, I again asked, could detain him in this room? Was it possible that he had returned, and glided, unperceived, away? I was speedily aware of the difficulty that attended an enterprize like this; and yet, as if by that means I were capable of gaining any information on that head, I cast anxious looks from the window.
Minutes passed, but there was no sign that Carwin had come back to the hallway. I again wondered what could be keeping him in that room. Could it be possible that he had come back and slipped away without being noticed? I quickly realized how tricky a situation like this was; still, as if I could somehow find out more by doing so, I peered anxiously out the window.
The object that first attracted my attention was an human figure standing on the edge of the bank. Perhaps my penetration was assisted by my hopes. Be that as it will, the figure of Carwin was clearly distinguishable. From the obscurity of my station, it was impossible that I should be discerned by him, and yet he scarcely suffered me to catch a glimpse of him. He turned and went down the steep, which, in this part, was not difficult to be scaled.
The thing that first caught my eye was a person standing at the edge of the bank. Maybe my hopes helped me see more clearly. Whatever the case, I could clearly make out Carwin's figure. From where I was, there was no way he could see me, yet he hardly allowed me to get a good look at him. He turned and went down the slope, which wasn't too hard to climb in this area.
My conjecture then had been right. Carwin has softly opened the door, descended the stairs, and issued forth. That I should not have overheard his steps, was only less incredible than that my eyes had deceived me. But what was now to be done? The house was at length delivered from this detested inmate. By one avenue might he again re-enter. Was it not wise to bar the lower door? Perhaps he had gone out by the kitchen door. For this end, he must have passed through Judith's chamber. These entrances being closed and bolted, as great security was gained as was compatible with my lonely condition.
My guess had turned out to be right. Carwin quietly opened the door, went down the stairs, and stepped outside. It was almost as hard to believe that I hadn’t heard his footsteps as it was to think my eyes had tricked me. But what should I do now? The house was finally free of this loathed resident. He could re-enter through one way. Shouldn’t I lock the lower door? Maybe he left through the kitchen door. To do that, he would have had to go through Judith's room. With these doors shut and locked, I felt as secure as I could in my solitary state.
The propriety of these measures was too manifest not to make me struggle successfully with my fears. Yet I opened my own door with the utmost caution, and descended as if I were afraid that Carwin had been still immured in Pleyel's chamber. The outer door was a-jar. I shut, with trembling eagerness, and drew every bolt that appended to it. I then passed with light and less cautious steps through the parlour, but was surprized to discover that the kitchen door was secure. I was compelled to acquiesce in the first conjecture that Carwin had escaped through the entry.
The necessity of these actions was so obvious that I managed to overcome my fears. Still, I opened my own door very carefully and went downstairs as if I were worried that Carwin was still trapped in Pleyel's room. The outer door was slightly open. I shut it quickly and secured every lock attached to it. I then moved more confidently and lightly through the living room, but was surprised to find that the kitchen door was locked. I had to accept my first thought that Carwin had escaped through the hallway.
My heart was now somewhat eased of the load of apprehension. I returned once more to my chamber, the door of which I was careful to lock. It was no time to think of repose. The moon-light began already to fade before the light of the day. The approach of morning was betokened by the usual signals. I mused upon the events of this night, and determined to take up my abode henceforth at my brother's. Whether I should inform him of what had happened was a question which seemed to demand some consideration. My safety unquestionably required that I should abandon my present habitation.
My heart felt a bit lighter now that the weight of worry had lessened. I went back to my room, making sure to lock the door behind me. It wasn’t the right time to rest. The moonlight was already starting to fade as dawn approached. The signs of morning were becoming clear. I reflected on the events of the night and decided that I would stay at my brother's from now on. Whether or not to tell him what happened was something I needed to think about. Clearly, my safety meant I had to leave my current home.
As my thoughts began to flow with fewer impediments, the image of Pleyel, and the dubiousness of his condition, again recurred to me. I again ran over the possible causes of his absence on the preceding day. My mind was attuned to melancholy. I dwelt, with an obstinacy for which I could not account, on the idea of his death. I painted to myself his struggles with the billows, and his last appearance. I imagined myself a midnight wanderer on the shore, and to have stumbled on his corpse, which the tide had cast up. These dreary images affected me even to tears. I endeavoured not to restrain them. They imparted a relief which I had not anticipated. The more copiously they flowed, the more did my general sensations appear to subside into calm, and a certain restlessness give way to repose.
As my thoughts started to flow more freely, the image of Pleyel and the uncertainty of his situation came back to me. I went over the possible reasons for his absence the previous day. My mind was tuned to sadness. I fixated, with an inexplicable stubbornness, on the idea of his death. I pictured his struggles against the waves and his last moments. I imagined myself wandering the shore at midnight and stumbling upon his body, washed ashore by the tide. These grim images brought me to tears. I tried not to hold them back. They provided a sense of relief I hadn’t expected. The more they flowed, the more my general feelings seemed to settle into calm, and a certain restlessness gave way to peace.
Perhaps, relieved by this effusion, the slumber so much wanted might have stolen on my senses, had there been no new cause of alarm.
Perhaps, feeling relieved by this outpouring, the much-needed sleep might have finally come over me, if there hadn't been another new cause for worry.
Chapter XI
I was aroused from this stupor by sounds that evidently arose in the next chamber. Was it possible that I had been mistaken in the figure which I had seen on the bank? or had Carwin, by some inscrutable means, penetrated once more into this chamber? The opposite door opened; footsteps came forth, and the person, advancing to mine, knocked.
I was jolted out of my daze by sounds that clearly came from the next room. Could it be that I was wrong about the figure I had seen on the bank? Or had Carwin, through some mysterious way, entered this room again? The door across from me opened; footsteps came out, and the person, approaching mine, knocked.
So unexpected an incident robbed me of all presence of mind, and, starting up, I involuntarily exclaimed, "Who is there?" An answer was immediately given. The voice, to my inexpressible astonishment, was Pleyel's.
So unexpected an incident took away all my clarity, and, jumping up, I instinctively said, "Who's there?" I got an immediate response. To my utter shock, it was Pleyel's voice.
"It is I. Have you risen? If you have not, make haste; I want three minutes conversation with you in the parlour—I will wait for you there." Saying this he retired from the door.
"It’s me. Have you gotten up? If not, hurry; I need to talk to you for three minutes in the living room—I’ll be waiting for you there." Saying this, he stepped away from the door.
Should I confide in the testimony of my ears? If that were true, it was Pleyel that had been hitherto immured in the opposite chamber: he whom my rueful fancy had depicted in so many ruinous and ghastly shapes: he whose footsteps had been listened to with such inquietude! What is man, that knowledge is so sparingly conferred upon him! that his heart should be wrung with distress, and his frame be exanimated with fear, though his safety be encompassed with impregnable walls! What are the bounds of human imbecility! He that warned me of the presence of my foe refused the intimation by which so many racking fears would have been precluded.
Should I trust what I hear? If that's true, then it was Pleyel who had been trapped in the other room: the guy my anxious imagination had painted in so many terrifying and dreadful forms; the one whose footsteps had caused me so much unease! What is it about being human that we receive so little understanding! Why must our hearts be filled with anguish, and our bodies paralyzed with fear, even when we are safe behind solid walls? What are the limits of human foolishness? The person who warned me about my enemy ignored the opportunity to share information that could have prevented so many tormenting fears.
Yet who would have imagined the arrival of Pleyel at such an hour? His tone was desponding and anxious. Why this unseasonable summons? and why this hasty departure? Some tidings he, perhaps, bears of mysterious and unwelcome import.
Yet who would have thought Pleyel would show up at this hour? His tone was gloomy and uneasy. Why this unexpected call? And why this rushed exit? He might be bringing news of something mysterious and unwelcome.
My impatience would not allow me to consume much time in deliberation: I hastened down. Pleyel I found standing at a window, with eyes cast down as in meditation, and arms folded on his breast. Every line in his countenance was pregnant with sorrow. To this was added a certain wanness and air of fatigue. The last time I had seen him appearances had been the reverse of these. I was startled at the change. The first impulse was to question him as to the cause. This impulse was supplanted by some degree of confusion, flowing from a consciousness that love had too large, and, as it might prove, a perceptible share in creating this impulse. I was silent.
My impatience wouldn’t let me take much time to think: I rushed down. I found Pleyel standing by a window, his eyes cast down in thought, with his arms crossed over his chest. Every line on his face showed deep sorrow. He also looked a bit pale and fatigued. The last time I had seen him, he had been the complete opposite. I was shocked by the change. My first instinct was to ask him what was wrong. But then I felt a bit confused, realizing that my feelings for him were playing a big, and possibly obvious, role in this instinct. I stayed silent.
Presently he raised his eyes and fixed them upon me. I read in them an anguish altogether ineffable. Never had I witnessed a like demeanour in Pleyel. Never, indeed, had I observed an human countenance in which grief was more legibly inscribed. He seemed struggling for utterance; but his struggles being fruitless, he shook his head and turned away from me.
Right now, he raised his eyes and locked them onto me. I could see an indescribable anguish in them. I had never seen Pleyel act this way before. In fact, I had never seen a human face where grief was so clearly expressed. He seemed to be trying to speak, but when he couldn't, he shook his head and turned away.
My impatience would not allow me to be longer silent: "What," said I, "for heaven's sake, my friend, what is the matter?"
My impatience wouldn’t let me stay quiet any longer: "What," I said, "for heaven's sake, my friend, what’s going on?"
He started at the sound of my voice. His looks, for a moment, became convulsed with an emotion very different from grief. His accents were broken with rage.
He jumped at the sound of my voice. For a moment, his expression twisted with an emotion that was very different from grief. His words were punctuated by anger.
"The matter—O wretch!—thus exquisitely fashioned—on whom nature seemed to have exhausted all her graces; with charms so awful and so pure! how art thou fallen! From what height fallen! A ruin so complete—so unheard of!"
"The situation—oh, how miserable!—was crafted so perfectly—on whom nature seemed to have poured out all her beauty; with charms that were both terrifying and pure! How far you have fallen! From such great heights! A complete downfall—so unprecedented!"
His words were again choaked by emotion. Grief and pity were again mingled in his features. He resumed, in a tone half suffocated by sobs:
His words were once again choked with emotion. Grief and pity were once more mixed in his expression. He continued, his voice half smothered by sobs:
"But why should I upbraid thee? Could I restore to thee what thou hast lost; efface this cursed stain; snatch thee from the jaws of this fiend; I would do it. Yet what will avail my efforts? I have not arms with which to contend with so consummate, so frightful a depravity.
"But why should I blame you? If I could give back what you’ve lost, erase this cursed stain, and rescue you from this monster, I would. But what good would my efforts do? I don’t have the power to fight against such complete, terrifying evil."
"Evidence less than this would only have excited resentment and scorn. The wretch who should have breathed a suspicion injurious to thy honor, would have been regarded without anger; not hatred or envy could have prompted him; it would merely be an argument of madness. That my eyes, that my ears, should bear witness to thy fall! By no other way could detestible conviction be imparted.
"Anything less than this would have just stirred up resentment and contempt. The unfortunate soul who dared to hint at something damaging to your honor would have been met with indifference; neither hatred nor envy could have driven him; it would simply point to madness. That my eyes and ears should witness your downfall! There’s no other way such a horrible realization could be conveyed."
"Why do I summon thee to this conference? Why expose myself to thy derision? Here admonition and entreaty are vain. Thou knowest him already, for a murderer and thief. I had thought to have been the first to disclose to thee his infamy; to have warned thee of the pit to which thou art hastening; but thy eyes are open in vain. O foul and insupportable disgrace!
"Why am I calling you to this meeting? Why put myself at risk of your mockery? Here, warnings and pleas are pointless. You already know him as a murderer and thief. I had hoped to be the first to reveal his shame to you; to warn you of the danger you're rushing toward; but your eyes are open for nothing. Oh, what a terrible and unbearable disgrace!"
"There is but one path. I know you will disappear together. In thy ruin, how will the felicity and honor of multitudes be involved! But it must come. This scene shall not be blotted by his presence. No doubt thou wilt shortly see thy detested paramour. This scene will be again polluted by a midnight assignation. Inform him of his danger; tell him that his crimes are known; let him fly far and instantly from this spot, if he desires to avoid the fate which menaced him in Ireland.
"There is only one path. I know you will both vanish together. In your downfall, how will the happiness and honor of many be affected! But it has to happen. This moment will not be tarnished by his presence. No doubt you’ll soon see your hated lover. This moment will be tainted again by a secret meeting. Warn him about his danger; tell him that his crimes are known; he should escape far and quickly from this place if he wants to avoid the fate that threatened him in Ireland."
"And wilt thou not stay behind?—But shame upon my weakness. I know not what I would say.—I have done what I purposed. To stay longer, to expostulate, to beseech, to enumerate the consequences of thy act—what end can it serve but to blazon thy infamy and embitter our woes? And yet, O think, think ere it be too late, on the distresses which thy flight will entail upon us; on the base, grovelling, and atrocious character of the wretch to whom thou hast sold thy honor. But what is this? Is not thy effrontery impenetrable, and thy heart thoroughly cankered? O most specious, and most profligate of women!"
"And will you not stay behind?—But shame on my weakness. I don’t even know what I want to say.—I’ve done what I meant to do. Staying longer, arguing, pleading, listing the consequences of your actions—what point is there in that except to highlight your disgrace and make our suffering worse? And yet, oh, please, think carefully before it's too late about the distress that your departure will bring upon us; about the low, despicable, and disgusting character of the scoundrel to whom you’ve sold your honor. But what is this? Is your arrogance impenetrable, and is your heart completely rotted? Oh, you most deceitful and immoral of women!"
Saying this, he rushed out of the house. I saw him in a few moments hurrying along the path which led to my brother's. I had no power to prevent his going, or to recall, or to follow him. The accents I had heard were calculated to confound and bewilder. I looked around me to assure myself that the scene was real. I moved that I might banish the doubt that I was awake. Such enormous imputations from the mouth of Pleyel! To be stigmatized with the names of wanton and profligate! To be charged with the sacrifice of honor! with midnight meetings with a wretch known to be a murderer and thief! with an intention to fly in his company!
Saying this, he rushed out of the house. I saw him a moment later hurrying down the path that led to my brother's place. I had no way to stop him, call him back, or follow him. The words I had just heard were designed to confuse and shock me. I looked around to make sure what I was seeing was real. I moved to shake off the doubt that I was still awake. Such outrageous accusations coming from Pleyel! To be branded with names like promiscuous and immoral! To be accused of sacrificing my honor! Of having late-night meetings with a guy who's known to be a murderer and a thief! Of planning to run away with him!
What I had heard was surely the dictate of phrenzy, or it was built upon some fatal, some incomprehensible mistake. After the horrors of the night; after undergoing perils so imminent from this man, to be summoned to an interview like this; to find Pleyel fraught with a belief that, instead of having chosen death as a refuge from the violence of this man, I had hugged his baseness to my heart, had sacrificed for him my purity, my spotless name, my friendships, and my fortune! that even madness could engender accusations like these was not to be believed.
What I heard was definitely the result of madness, or it stemmed from some tragic, incomprehensible mistake. After the horrors of the night; after facing such imminent dangers from this man, to be called in for a meeting like this; to find Pleyel convinced that, instead of choosing death as an escape from this man's violence, I had embraced his disgrace, had sacrificed my purity, my untarnished reputation, my friendships, and my wealth for him! It was hard to believe that even madness could produce such accusations.
What evidence could possibly suggest conceptions so wild? After the unlooked-for interview with Carwin in my chamber, he retired. Could Pleyel have observed his exit? It was not long after that Pleyel himself entered. Did he build on this incident, his odious conclusions? Could the long series of my actions and sentiments grant me no exemption from suspicions so foul? Was it not more rational to infer that Carwin's designs had been illicit; that my life had been endangered by the fury of one whom, by some means, he had discovered to be an assassin and robber; that my honor had been assailed, not by blandishments, but by violence?
What evidence could possibly suggest such wild ideas? After the unexpected meeting with Carwin in my room, he left. Could Pleyel have seen him go? It wasn’t long after that Pleyel came in himself. Did he base his disgusting conclusions on this incident? Could the long history of my actions and feelings give me no escape from such foul suspicions? Wasn't it more logical to think that Carwin's motives were wrong; that my life had been put at risk by the rage of someone he had somehow figured out to be a murderer and thief; that my honor had been attacked, not by sweet words, but by force?
He has judged me without hearing. He has drawn from dubious appearances, conclusions the most improbable and unjust. He has loaded me with all outrageous epithets. He has ranked me with prostitutes and thieves. I cannot pardon thee, Pleyel, for this injustice. Thy understanding must be hurt. If it be not, if thy conduct was sober and deliberate, I can never forgive an outrage so unmanly, and so gross.
He has judged me without listening. He has come to the most unlikely and unfair conclusions based on questionable appearances. He has thrown all sorts of outrageous insults at me. He has placed me among prostitutes and thieves. I cannot forgive you, Pleyel, for this injustice. Your judgment must be flawed. If it's not, and if your actions were calm and intentional, I can never forgive such an unmanly and crude outrage.
These thoughts gradually gave place to others. Pleyel was possessed by some momentary phrenzy: appearances had led him into palpable errors. Whence could his sagacity have contracted this blindness? Was it not love? Previously assured of my affection for Carwin, distracted with grief and jealousy, and impelled hither at that late hour by some unknown instigation, his imagination transformed shadows into monsters, and plunged him into these deplorable errors.
These thoughts gradually gave way to others. Pleyel was suddenly overtaken by a strange madness: what he saw had misled him into clear mistakes. How could his keen judgment have become so blind? Was it not love? Already insecure about my feelings for Carwin, overwhelmed with sadness and jealousy, and driven here at this late hour by some unknown force, his mind turned shadows into monsters and led him into these terrible mistakes.
This idea was not unattended with consolation. My soul was divided between indignation at his injustice, and delight on account of the source from which I conceived it to spring. For a long time they would allow admission to no other thoughts. Surprize is an emotion that enfeebles, not invigorates. All my meditations were accompanied with wonder. I rambled with vagueness, or clung to one image with an obstinacy which sufficiently testified the maddening influence of late transactions.
This idea did bring some comfort. My feelings were torn between anger at his unfairness and happiness about where I thought it came from. For a long time, I could think of nothing else. Surprise weakens rather than strengthens. All my thoughts were filled with wonder. I wandered aimlessly or fixated on one idea with a stubbornness that clearly showed the frustrating effect of recent events.
Gradually I proceeded to reflect upon the consequences of Pleyel's mistake, and on the measures I should take to guard myself against future injury from Carwin. Should I suffer this mistake to be detected by time? When his passion should subside, would he not perceive the flagrancy of his injustice, and hasten to atone for it? Did it not become my character to testify resentment for language and treatment so opprobrious? Wrapt up in the consciousness of innocence, and confiding in the influence of time and reflection to confute so groundless a charge, it was my province to be passive and silent.
Slowly, I started to think about the consequences of Pleyel's mistake and what I should do to protect myself from future harm caused by Carwin. Should I let time reveal this mistake? Once his emotions cooled down, wouldn’t he recognize the seriousness of his wrongdoing and try to make amends? Did it not reflect on my character to show anger over such disrespectful words and treatment? Being fully aware of my innocence and trusting that time and reflection would prove the unfounded nature of the accusation, I believed it was best for me to remain calm and silent.
As to the violences meditated by Carwin, and the means of eluding them, the path to be taken by me was obvious. I resolved to tell the tale to my brother, and regulate myself by his advice. For this end, when the morning was somewhat advanced, I took the way to his house. My sister was engaged in her customary occupations. As soon as I appeared, she remarked a change in my looks. I was not willing to alarm her by the information which I had to communicate. Her health was in that condition which rendered a disastrous tale particularly unsuitable. I forbore a direct answer to her inquiries, and inquired, in my turn, for Wieland.
Regarding the threats posed by Carwin and how to avoid them, the course of action for me was clear. I decided to share the story with my brother and follow his advice. With that in mind, when the morning was well underway, I headed to his house. My sister was busy with her usual tasks. As soon as I showed up, she noticed a change in my appearance. I didn't want to alarm her with the news I had to share. Her health was such that hearing a troubling story would be especially inappropriate. I held back from giving her a direct answer to her questions and instead asked about Wieland.
"Why," said she, "I suspect something mysterious and unpleasant has happened this morning. Scarcely had we risen when Pleyel dropped among us. What could have prompted him to make us so early and so unseasonable a visit I cannot tell. To judge from the disorder of his dress, and his countenance, something of an extraordinary nature has occurred. He permitted me merely to know that he had slept none, nor even undressed, during the past night. He took your brother to walk with him. Some topic must have deeply engaged them, for Wieland did not return till the breakfast hour was passed, and returned alone. His disturbance was excessive; but he would not listen to my importunities, or tell me what had happened. I gathered from hints which he let fall, that your situation was, in some way, the cause: yet he assured me that you were at your own house, alive, in good health, and in perfect safety. He scarcely ate a morsel, and immediately after breakfast went out again. He would not inform me whither he was going, but mentioned that he probably might not return before night."
"Why," she said, "I have a feeling something mysterious and unpleasant happened this morning. We had barely gotten up when Pleyel showed up unexpectedly. I can't figure out what made him come for such an early and unusual visit. Judging by his disheveled appearance and the look on his face, something extraordinary must have happened. He only let me know that he didn't sleep at all and didn't even change out of his clothes last night. He took your brother for a walk. They must have been discussing something serious because Wieland didn't come back until after breakfast, and he came back alone. He seemed extremely upset, but he wouldn't tell me what was wrong or listen to my questions. From the hints he dropped, it seemed your situation was somehow to blame; however, he assured me that you were at home, alive, healthy, and safe. He barely ate anything and went out again right after breakfast. He wouldn’t tell me where he was going but mentioned that he might not be back until tonight."
I was equally astonished and alarmed by this information. Pleyel had told his tale to my brother, and had, by a plausible and exaggerated picture, instilled into him unfavorable thoughts of me. Yet would not the more correct judgment of Wieland perceive and expose the fallacy of his conclusions? Perhaps his uneasiness might arise from some insight into the character of Carwin, and from apprehensions for my safety. The appearances by which Pleyel had been misled, might induce him likewise to believe that I entertained an indiscreet, though not dishonorable affection for Carwin. Such were the conjectures rapidly formed. I was inexpressibly anxious to change them into certainty. For this end an interview with my brother was desirable. He was gone, no one knew whither, and was not expected speedily to return. I had no clue by which to trace his footsteps.
I was both shocked and worried by this news. Pleyel had shared his story with my brother and had painted a believable yet exaggerated picture that had led him to have negative thoughts about me. But wouldn’t Wieland, with his better judgment, see through the flaws in Pleyel's reasoning? Maybe his concern stemmed from some understanding of Carwin’s character and worries for my safety. The signs that had confused Pleyel might also lead him to think that I had an inappropriate, though not dishonorable, interest in Carwin. Such were the quick thoughts I formed. I was incredibly anxious to turn these thoughts into certainties. To do this, I needed to meet with my brother. He had left, and no one knew where, nor was he expected back soon. I had no way to track where he had gone.
My anxieties could not be concealed from my sister. They heightened her solicitude to be acquainted with the cause. There were many reasons persuading me to silence: at least, till I had seen my brother, it would be an act of inexcusable temerity to unfold what had lately passed. No other expedient for eluding her importunities occurred to me, but that of returning to my own house. I recollected my determination to become a tenant of this roof. I mentioned it to her. She joyfully acceded to this proposal, and suffered me, with less reluctance, to depart, when I told her that it was with a view to collect and send to my new dwelling what articles would be immediately useful to me.
My sister could see that I was anxious. This only made her more concerned and eager to know why. There were plenty of reasons for me to stay quiet: at least until I had seen my brother
Once more I returned to the house which had been the scene of so much turbulence and danger. I was at no great distance from it when I observed my brother coming out. On seeing me he stopped, and after ascertaining, as it seemed, which way I was going, he returned into the house before me. I sincerely rejoiced at this event, and I hastened to set things, if possible, on their right footing.
Once again, I went back to the house that had seen so much chaos and danger. I was close by when I noticed my brother coming out. When he saw me, he stopped, and after figuring out which way I was heading, he went back into the house ahead of me. I was genuinely happy about this, and I rushed to try to get everything back on track.
His brow was by no means expressive of those vehement emotions with which Pleyel had been agitated. I drew a favorable omen from this circumstance. Without delay I began the conversation.
His brow didn't show the intense emotions that Pleyel had been feeling. I took this as a good sign. Without hesitation, I started the conversation.
"I have been to look for you," said I, "but was told by Catharine that Pleyel had engaged you on some important and disagreeable affair. Before his interview with you he spent a few minutes with me. These minutes he employed in upbraiding me for crimes and intentions with which I am by no means chargeable. I believe him to have taken up his opinions on very insufficient grounds. His behaviour was in the highest degree precipitate and unjust, and, until I receive some atonement, I shall treat him, in my turn, with that contempt which he justly merits: meanwhile I am fearful that he has prejudiced my brother against me. That is an evil which I most anxiously deprecate, and which I shall indeed exert myself to remove. Has he made me the subject of this morning's conversation?"
"I came to look for you," I said, "but Catharine told me that Pleyel had you tied up in some important and unpleasant matter. Before he met with you, he spent a few minutes with me. During that time, he accused me of crimes and intentions that I definitely didn't commit. I believe he formed his opinions on very flimsy evidence. His behavior was incredibly rash and unfair, and until I receive some sort of apology, I will treat him with the contempt he deserves. In the meantime, I worry that he has turned my brother against me. That is something I really want to avoid, and I will do my best to fix it. Did he make me the topic of your conversation this morning?"
My brother's countenance testified no surprize at my address. The benignity of his looks were no wise diminished.
My brother's expression showed no surprise at my words. The kindness in his face was in no way lessened.
"It is true," said he, "your conduct was the subject of our discourse. I am your friend, as well as your brother. There is no human being whom I love with more tenderness, and whose welfare is nearer my heart. Judge then with what emotions I listened to Pleyel's story. I expect and desire you to vindicate yourself from aspersions so foul, if vindication be possible."
"It’s true," he said, "your behavior was what we were talking about. I’m your friend, as well as your brother. There’s no one I care for more deeply, and no one’s well-being matters more to me. So you can imagine how I felt listening to Pleyel’s story. I hope and want you to clear your name from such terrible accusations, if that’s possible."
The tone with which he uttered the last words affected me deeply. "If vindication be possible!" repeated I. "From what you know, do you deem a formal vindication necessary? Can you harbour for a moment the belief of my guilt?"
The tone in which he said those last words hit me hard. "If redemption is possible!" I repeated. "Based on what you know, do you think a formal redemption is necessary? Can you honestly believe for a second that I'm guilty?"
He shook his head with an air of acute anguish. "I have struggled," said he, "to dismiss that belief. You speak before a judge who will profit by any pretence to acquit you: who is ready to question his own senses when they plead against you."
He shook his head in deep distress. "I've tried," he said, "to let go of that belief. You're speaking to a judge who stands to gain from any act to clear you: someone who's willing to doubt his own senses when they argue against you."
These words incited a new set of thoughts in my mind. I began to suspect that Pleyel had built his accusations on some foundation unknown to me. "I may be a stranger to the grounds of your belief. Pleyel loaded me with indecent and virulent invectives, but he withheld from me the facts that generated his suspicions. Events took place last night of which some of the circumstances were of an ambiguous nature. I conceived that these might possibly have fallen under his cognizance, and that, viewed through the mists of prejudice and passion, they supplied a pretence for his conduct, but believed that your more unbiassed judgment would estimate them at their just value. Perhaps his tale has been different from what I suspect it to be. Listen then to my narrative. If there be any thing in his story inconsistent with mine, his story is false."
These words sparked a new train of thought in my mind. I started to wonder if Pleyel had based his accusations on something I wasn’t aware of. "I might not fully understand the reasons behind your beliefs. Pleyel bombarded me with rude and harsh insults, but he didn’t share the facts that led to his suspicions. Events occurred last night, some of which were ambiguous. I thought maybe he had noticed them, and that through the fog of bias and emotion, they provided an excuse for his behavior. However, I believe that your more impartial judgment would see them accurately. Maybe his account is different from what I think it is. So, listen to my side of the story. If there’s anything in his account that contradicts mine, then his version is false."
I then proceeded to a circumstantial relation of the incidents of the last night. Wieland listened with deep attention. Having finished, "This," continued I, "is the truth; you see in what circumstances an interview took place between Carwin and me. He remained for hours in my closet, and for some minutes in my chamber. He departed without haste or interruption. If Pleyel marked him as he left the house, and it is not impossible that he did, inferences injurious to my character might suggest themselves to him. In admitting them, he gave proofs of less discernment and less candor than I once ascribed to him."
I then went on to give a detailed account of what happened last night. Wieland listened very closely. Once I was done, I said, "This is the truth; you see the circumstances under which Carwin and I had our meeting. He stayed in my room for hours and was in my bedroom for a few minutes. He left without any rush or disturbance. If Pleyel noticed him when he left the house, and it's possible he did, he could come to conclusions that could harm my reputation. If he believes those conclusions, he's showing less insight and honesty than I used to think he had."
"His proofs," said Wieland, after a considerable pause, "are different. That he should be deceived, is not possible. That he himself is not the deceiver, could not be believed, if his testimony were not inconsistent with yours; but the doubts which I entertained are now removed. Your tale, some parts of it, is marvellous; the voice which exclaimed against your rashness in approaching the closet, your persisting notwithstanding that prohibition, your belief that I was the ruffian, and your subsequent conduct, are believed by me, because I have known you from childhood, because a thousand instances have attested your veracity, and because nothing less than my own hearing and vision would convince me, in opposition to her own assertions, that my sister had fallen into wickedness like this."
"His proof," Wieland said after a long pause, "is different. It’s hard to believe he could be deceived. I can’t accept that he’s the deceiver, especially since his testimony contradicts yours; however, the doubts I had are now gone. Your story, or at least parts of it, is incredible; the voice that warned you against approaching the closet, your decision to go in anyway despite the warning, your belief that I was the villain, and your actions afterward—I believe you because I’ve known you since childhood, because countless experiences have proven your honesty, and because nothing less than my own hearing and seeing could convince me that my sister has fallen into such wickedness, despite what she says."
I threw my arms around him, and bathed his cheek with my tears. "That," said I, "is spoken like my brother. But what are the proofs?"
I wrapped my arms around him and wet his cheek with my tears. "That," I said, "sounds just like my brother. But what’s the evidence?"
He replied—"Pleyel informed me that, in going to your house, his attention was attracted by two voices. The persons speaking sat beneath the bank out of sight. These persons, judging by their voices, were Carwin and you. I will not repeat the dialogue. If my sister was the female, Pleyel was justified in concluding you to be, indeed, one of the most profligate of women. Hence, his accusations of you, and his efforts to obtain my concurrence to a plan by which an eternal separation should be brought about between my sister and this man."
He replied, "Pleyel told me that on his way to your house, he heard two voices. The people talking were hidden beneath the bank. From what he could tell by their voices, they were you and Carwin. I won’t go into the details of their conversation. If my sister was the woman, then Pleyel had every reason to believe you are, in fact, one of the most immoral women around. That’s why he made those accusations against you and tried to get my agreement for a plan that would lead to a permanent separation between my sister and this man."
I made Wieland repeat this recital. Here, indeed, was a tale to fill me with terrible foreboding. I had vainly thought that my safety could be sufficiently secured by doors and bars, but this is a foe from whose grasp no power of divinity can save me! His artifices will ever lay my fame and happiness at his mercy. How shall I counterwork his plots, or detect his coadjutor? He has taught some vile and abandoned female to mimic my voice. Pleyel's ears were the witnesses of my dishonor. This is the midnight assignation to which he alluded. Thus is the silence he maintained when attempting to open the door of my chamber, accounted for. He supposed me absent, and meant, perhaps, had my apartment been accessible, to leave in it some accusing memorial.
I had Wieland repeat this story. This was truly a tale that filled me with dread. I had foolishly believed that my safety could be secured by doors and locks, but this is an enemy from whom no divine power can save me! His tricks will always put my reputation and happiness at risk. How can I thwart his schemes or expose his accomplice? He has taught some wicked and abandoned woman to imitate my voice. Pleyel heard the evidence of my disgrace. This is the midnight meeting he mentioned. That explains the silence he kept while trying to open my bedroom door. He thought I was gone and probably meant to leave some incriminating evidence if my room had been open.
Pleyel was no longer equally culpable. The sincerity of his anguish, the depth of his despair, I remembered with some tendencies to gratitude. Yet was he not precipitate? Was the conjecture that my part was played by some mimic so utterly untenable? Instances of this faculty are common. The wickedness of Carwin must, in his opinion, have been adequate to such contrivances, and yet the supposition of my guilt was adopted in preference to that.
Pleyel was no longer just as guilty. I remembered his genuine pain and deep despair with a bit of gratitude. But was he not being rash? Was the idea that someone else had played my part completely impossible? Cases of this kind happen often. In his eyes, Carwin's wickedness must have been enough for such schemes, yet he chose to believe I was guilty instead.
But how was this error to be unveiled? What but my own assertion had I to throw in the balance against it? Would this be permitted to outweigh the testimony of his senses? I had no witnesses to prove my existence in another place. The real events of that night are marvellous. Few, to whom they should be related, would scruple to discredit them. Pleyel is sceptical in a transcendant degree. I cannot summon Carwin to my bar, and make him the attestor of my innocence, and the accuser of himself.
But how was this mistake going to be revealed? What could I possibly present to counter it besides my own claim? Would that be allowed to outweigh the evidence of his senses? I had no witnesses to prove that I was somewhere else. The actual events of that night are incredible. Few people to whom they should be told would hesitate to doubt them. Pleyel is extremely skeptical. I can’t bring Carwin to testify on my behalf and accuse himself at the same time.
My brother saw and comprehended my distress. He was unacquainted, however, with the full extent of it. He knew not by how many motives I was incited to retrieve the good opinion of Pleyel. He endeavored to console me. Some new event, he said, would occur to disentangle the maze. He did not question the influence of my eloquence, if I thought proper to exert it. Why not seek an interview with Pleyel, and exact from him a minute relation, in which something may be met with serving to destroy the probability of the whole?
My brother saw my distress and understood I was upset. However, he didn’t know the full extent of it. He didn’t realize how many reasons I had for wanting to regain Pleyel’s good opinion. He tried to comfort me, suggesting that something new would come up to help clarify the situation. He believed in the power of my words if I chose to use them. Why not ask Pleyel for a meeting and get a detailed account from him? Maybe there’d be something in it that could help diminish the likelihood of everything that happened.
I caught, with eagerness, at this hope; but my alacrity was damped by new reflections. Should I, perfect in this respect, and unblemished as I was, thrust myself, uncalled, into his presence, and make my felicity depend upon his arbitrary verdict?
I eagerly grabbed onto this hope; however, my excitement was tempered by new thoughts. Should I, being flawless in this regard and untainted as I was, force myself, uninvited, into his presence and make my happiness hinge on his arbitrary judgment?
"If you chuse to seek an interview," continued Wieland, "you must make haste, for Pleyel informed me of his intention to set out this evening or to-morrow on a long journey."
"If you choose to seek a meeting," Wieland continued, "you need to hurry, because Pleyel told me he plans to leave this evening or tomorrow on a long trip."
No intelligence was less expected or less welcome than this. I had thrown myself in a window seat; but now, starting on my feet, I exclaimed, "Good heavens! what is it you say? a journey? whither? when?"
No news was more unexpected or unwelcome than this. I had settled myself in a window seat, but now, jumping to my feet, I exclaimed, "Good heavens! What are you saying? A trip? Where to? When?"
"I cannot say whither. It is a sudden resolution I believe. I did not hear of it till this morning. He promises to write to me as soon as he is settled."
"I can’t say where. It’s a sudden decision, I think. I didn’t hear about it until this morning. He promises to write to me as soon as he’s settled."
I needed no further information as to the cause and issue of this journey. The scheme of happiness to which he had devoted his thoughts was blasted by the discovery of last night. My preference of another, and my unworthiness to be any longer the object of his adoration, were evinced by the same act and in the same moment. The thought of utter desertion, a desertion originating in such a cause, was the prelude to distraction. That Pleyel should abandon me forever, because I was blind to his excellence, because I coveted pollution, and wedded infamy, when, on the contrary, my heart was the shrine of all purity, and beat only for his sake, was a destiny which, as long as my life was in my own hands, I would by no means consent to endure.
I didn't need any more information about the cause and outcome of this journey. The idea of happiness that he had focused on was shattered by what I found out last night. My preference for someone else and my unworthiness to be the object of his affection were revealed by the same action at the same moment. The thought of complete abandonment, caused by such a reason, was the start of my unraveling. The idea that Pleyel would leave me forever because I failed to see his greatness, because I desired shame and embraced disgrace, while my heart was actually a place of pure intentions that only beat for him, was a fate I would never agree to accept as long as I had control over my life.
I remembered that this evil was still preventable; that this fatal journey it was still in my power to procrastinate, or, perhaps, to occasion it to be laid aside. There were no impediments to a visit: I only dreaded lest the interview should be too long delayed. My brother befriended my impatience, and readily consented to furnish me with a chaise and servant to attend me. My purpose was to go immediately to Pleyel's farm, where his engagements usually detained him during the day.
I remembered that this evil could still be prevented; that this fateful journey was still something I could postpone, or maybe even get it canceled. There were no obstacles to a visit: I just feared that the meeting would be delayed too long. My brother supported my eagerness and quickly agreed to provide me with a carriage and a servant to accompany me. I planned to head straight to Pleyel's farm, where he usually spent his days due to his commitments.
Chapter XII
My way lay through the city. I had scarcely entered it when I was seized with a general sensation of sickness. Every object grew dim and swam before my sight. It was with difficulty I prevented myself from sinking to the bottom of the carriage. I ordered myself to be carried to Mrs. Baynton's, in hope that an interval of repose would invigorate and refresh me. My distracted thoughts would allow me but little rest. Growing somewhat better in the afternoon, I resumed my journey.
My path led through the city. I had barely entered when I was hit with a wave of nausea. Everything became blurry and swirled in front of my eyes. I struggled to keep myself from collapsing in the carriage. I told them to take me to Mrs. Baynton's, hoping some time to rest would help revive me. My chaotic thoughts gave me barely any peace. Feeling a bit better in the afternoon, I continued my journey.
My contemplations were limited to a few objects. I regarded my success, in the purpose which I had in view, as considerably doubtful. I depended, in some degree, on the suggestions of the moment, and on the materials which Pleyel himself should furnish me. When I reflected on the nature of the accusation, I burned with disdain. Would not truth, and the consciousness of innocence, render me triumphant? Should I not cast from me, with irresistible force, such atrocious imputations?
My thoughts were focused on just a few things. I saw my success in achieving my goal as very uncertain. I relied somewhat on spontaneous ideas and the insights that Pleyel would provide. When I considered the nature of the accusation, I felt a surge of anger. Wouldn't the truth and my awareness of my innocence lead me to victory? Shouldn't I be able to reject such terrible accusations with unstoppable force?
What an entire and mournful change has been effected in a few hours! The gulf that separates man from insects is not wider than that which severs the polluted from the chaste among women. Yesterday and to-day I am the same. There is a degree of depravity to which it is impossible for me to sink; yet, in the apprehension of another, my ancient and intimate associate, the perpetual witness of my actions, and partaker of my thoughts, I had ceased to be the same. My integrity was tarnished and withered in his eyes. I was the colleague of a murderer, and the paramour of a thief!
What a complete and sorrowful change has happened in just a few hours! The gap that separates humans from insects isn't any wider than the one that divides the pure from the tainted among women. Yesterday and today, I’m still the same person. There’s a level of depravity I refuse to sink to; yet, in the view of another person—my former close friend, who has always witnessed my actions and shared my thoughts—I am no longer the same. My integrity has been spoiled and diminished in his eyes. I became the associate of a murderer and the lover of a thief!
His opinion was not destitute of evidence: yet what proofs could reasonably avail to establish an opinion like this? If the sentiments corresponded not with the voice that was heard, the evidence was deficient; but this want of correspondence would have been supposed by me if I had been the auditor and Pleyel the criminal. But mimicry might still more plausibly have been employed to explain the scene. Alas! it is the fate of Clara Wieland to fall into the hands of a precipitate and inexorable judge.
His opinion wasn't without evidence: yet what proof could realistically support an opinion like that? If the feelings didn’t match the voice that was heard, the evidence was lacking; but I would have assumed this lack of match if I had been the listener and Pleyel the one on trial. But imitation could still more convincingly be used to explain the situation. Unfortunately, it is Clara Wieland's fate to fall into the hands of a rash and unyielding judge.
But what, O man of mischief! is the tendency of thy thoughts? Frustrated in thy first design, thou wilt not forego the immolation of thy victim. To exterminate my reputation was all that remained to thee, and this my guardian has permitted. To dispossess Pleyel of this prejudice may be impossible; but if that be effected, it cannot be supposed that thy wiles are exhausted; thy cunning will discover innumerable avenues to the accomplishment of thy malignant purpose.
But what, oh troublemaker! are you thinking? Frustrated in your first plan, you still won’t give up on destroying your target. Ruining my reputation was all that was left for you, and my protector has allowed it. It might be impossible to change Pleyel’s mind about this, but even if that happens, it’s hard to believe that your tricks are all used up; your cleverness will find countless ways to achieve your wicked goals.
Why should I enter the lists against thee? Would to heaven I could disarm thy vengeance by my deprecations! When I think of all the resources with which nature and education have supplied thee; that thy form is a combination of steely fibres and organs of exquisite ductility and boundless compass, actuated by an intelligence gifted with infinite endowments, and comprehending all knowledge, I perceive that my doom is fixed. What obstacle will be able to divert thy zeal or repel thy efforts? That being who has hitherto protected me has borne testimony to the formidableness of thy attempts, since nothing less than supernatural interference could check thy career.
Why should I enter the arena against you? I wish I could soften your anger with my pleas! When I think about all the gifts that nature and education have given you; that your body is a mix of strong fibers and incredibly flexible organs, driven by a mind blessed with endless abilities and understanding all knowledge, I realize that my fate is sealed. What obstacle could possibly stop your determination or hold back your efforts? The one who has protected me until now has confirmed how formidable your attempts are, since only something supernatural could halt your path.
Musing on these thoughts, I arrived, towards the close of the day, at Pleyel's house. A month before, I had traversed the same path; but how different were my sensations! Now I was seeking the presence of one who regarded me as the most degenerate of human kind. I was to plead the cause of my innocence, against witnesses the most explicit and unerring, of those which support the fabric of human knowledge. The nearer I approached the crisis, the more did my confidence decay. When the chaise stopped at the door, my strength refused to support me, and I threw myself into the arms of an ancient female domestic. I had not courage to inquire whether her master was at home. I was tormented with fears that the projected journey was already undertaken. These fears were removed, by her asking me whether she should call her young master, who had just gone into his own room. I was somewhat revived by this intelligence, and resolved immediately to seek him there.
Thinking about all this, I reached Pleyel's house as the day was winding down. A month earlier, I had taken the same route, but my feelings were so different! Now, I was looking for someone who saw me as the lowest of the low. I was going to defend my innocence against witnesses that were extremely clear and undeniable, the kind that uphold what we know about humanity. The closer I got to the moment, the more my confidence slipped away. When the carriage stopped at the door, I could barely stand, and I collapsed into the arms of an older female servant. I didn’t have the courage to ask if my host was home. I was filled with anxiety that he had already left for the trip. But my worries faded when she asked if she should call her young master, who had just gone into his room. This news gave me a little boost, and I decided to look for him right away.
In my confusion of mind, I neglected to knock at the door, but entered his apartment without previous notice. This abruptness was altogether involuntary. Absorbed in reflections of such unspeakable moment, I had no leisure to heed the niceties of punctilio. I discovered him standing with his back towards the entrance. A small trunk, with its lid raised, was before him in which it seemed as if he had been busy in packing his clothes. The moment of my entrance, he was employed in gazing at something which he held in his hand.
In my confusion, I forgot to knock and just walked into his apartment without warning. This was entirely unintentional. Lost in deep thoughts of such significant importance, I didn’t have time to worry about formalities. I found him standing with his back to the door. A small trunk with its lid open was in front of him, and it looked like he had been packing his clothes. At the moment I came in, he was focused on something he was holding in his hand.
I imagined that I fully comprehended this scene. The image which he held before him, and by which his attention was so deeply engaged, I doubted not to be my own. These preparations for his journey, the cause to which it was to be imputed, the hopelessness of success in the undertaking on which I had entered, rushed at once upon my feelings, and dissolved me into a flood of tears.
I thought I completely understood this scene. The picture he was looking at, which had captured his full attention, was definitely my own. All of these plans for his trip, the reasons behind it, and the despair over my own chances of success in the endeavor I had started overwhelmed me, and I broke down in tears.
Startled by this sound, he dropped the lid of the trunk and turned. The solemn sadness that previously overspread his countenance, gave sudden way to an attitude and look of the most vehement astonishment. Perceiving me unable to uphold myself, he stepped towards me without speaking, and supported me by his arm. The kindness of this action called forth a new effusion from my eyes. Weeping was a solace to which, at that time, I had not grown familiar, and which, therefore, was peculiarly delicious. Indignation was no longer to be read in the features of my friend. They were pregnant with a mixture of wonder and pity. Their expression was easily interpreted. This visit, and these tears, were tokens of my penitence. The wretch whom he had stigmatized as incurably and obdurately wicked, now shewed herself susceptible of remorse, and had come to confess her guilt.
Startled by the noise, he dropped the trunk lid and turned around. The heavy sadness that had been on his face was suddenly replaced by an expression of intense astonishment. Seeing that I couldn't hold myself up, he came over to me without saying a word and supported me with his arm. His kindness made me cry even more. Crying was something I wasn't used to at that moment, and it felt strangely comforting. There was no more anger on my friend's face. Instead, it was filled with a mix of surprise and sympathy. His expression was easy to read. My visit and these tears showed that I was sorry. The person he had labeled as hopelessly and stubbornly evil was now showing signs of remorse and had come to admit her wrongdoing.
This persuasion had no tendency to comfort me. It only shewed me, with new evidence, the difficulty of the task which I had assigned myself. We were mutually silent. I had less power and less inclination than ever to speak. I extricated myself from his hold, and threw myself on a sofa. He placed himself by my side, and appeared to wait with impatience and anxiety for some beginning of the conversation. What could I say? If my mind had suggested any thing suitable to the occasion, my utterance was suffocated by tears.
This reassurance didn’t comfort me at all. It only highlighted, with fresh proof, how hard the task I had taken on really was. We sat in silence. I had even less ability and desire to talk than before. I broke free from his grip and collapsed onto a sofa. He sat down next to me, looking impatient and anxious, waiting for me to start the conversation. What could I possibly say? Even if my mind had come up with something appropriate for the moment, my voice was drowned out by tears.
Frequently he attempted to speak, but seemed deterred by some degree of uncertainty as to the true nature of the scene. At length, in faltering accents he spoke:
Frequently, he tried to speak, but he seemed held back by some uncertainty about the true nature of the situation. Finally, in hesitant tones, he spoke:
"My friend! would to heaven I were still permitted to call you by that name. The image that I once adored existed only in my fancy; but though I cannot hope to see it realized, you may not be totally insensible to the horrors of that gulf into which you are about to plunge. What heart is forever exempt from the goadings of compunction and the influx of laudable propensities?
"My friend! I wish to heaven I could still call you that. The image I once cherished existed only in my imagination; but even though I can't expect to see it come true, you can't be completely unaware of the horrors of the abyss you're about to dive into. What heart is completely free from the pangs of guilt and the stirrings of good intentions?"
"I thought you accomplished and wise beyond the rest of women. Not a sentiment you uttered, not a look you assumed, that were not, in my apprehension, fraught with the sublimities of rectitude and the illuminations of genius. Deceit has some bounds. Your education could not be without influence. A vigorous understanding cannot be utterly devoid of virtue; but you could not counterfeit the powers of invention and reasoning. I was rash in my invectives. I will not, but with life, relinquish all hopes of you. I will shut out every proof that would tell me that your heart is incurably diseased.
"I thought you were accomplished and wiser than other women. Every word you spoke and every look you gave seemed to me filled with the greatness of integrity and the brilliance of intelligence. Deceit has its limits. Your education must have had some impact. A strong mind can’t completely lack virtue; however, you couldn’t fake the abilities of creativity and reasoning. I was harsh in my criticisms. I won't give up all hope for you as long as I live. I will ignore any evidence that suggests your heart is incurably broken."
"You come to restore me once more to happiness; to convince me that you have torn her mask from vice, and feel nothing but abhorrence for the part you have hitherto acted."
"You’ve come to bring me happiness again; to show me that you’ve taken off her mask of wrongdoing, and feel nothing but disgust for the role you’ve played until now."
At these words my equanimity forsook me. For a moment I forgot the evidence from which Pleyel's opinions were derived, the benevolence of his remonstrances, and the grief which his accents bespoke; I was filled with indignation and horror at charges so black; I shrunk back and darted at him a look of disdain and anger. My passion supplied me with words.
At those words, I lost my composure. For a moment, I forgot the evidence that supported Pleyel's views, the kindness behind his warnings, and the sorrow in his tone; I was overwhelmed with outrage and disgust at such severe accusations. I recoiled and shot him a glare of contempt and fury. My emotions fueled my words.
"What detestable infatuation was it that led me hither! Why do I patiently endure these horrible insults! My offences exist only in your own distempered imagination: you are leagued with the traitor who assailed my life: you have vowed the destruction of my peace and honor. I deserve infamy for listening to calumnies so base!"
"What terrible obsession brought me here! Why do I put up with these awful insults? My wrongs exist only in your twisted imagination: you are allied with the traitor who attacked my life; you have sworn to ruin my peace and honor. I deserve shame for listening to such vile slanders!"
These words were heard by Pleyel without visible resentment. His countenance relapsed into its former gloom; but he did not even look at me. The ideas which had given place to my angry emotions returned, and once more melted me into tears. "O!" I exclaimed, in a voice broken by sobs, "what a task is mine! Compelled to hearken to charges which I feel to be false, but which I know to be believed by him that utters them; believed too not without evidence, which, though fallacious, is not unplausible.
These words were heard by Pleyel without any visible irritation. His expression fell back into its previous sadness, but he didn’t even look at me. The thoughts that had replaced my anger came flooding back, and once again, I was brought to tears. "Oh!" I exclaimed, my voice shaky from sobbing, "what a burden I have! Forced to listen to accusations that I know are false, yet I understand that the person making them truly believes them; believed, too, not without some evidence that, while misleading, is not entirely unreasonable."
"I came hither not to confess, but to vindicate. I know the source of your opinions. Wieland has informed me on what your suspicions are built. These suspicions are fostered by you as certainties; the tenor of my life, of all my conversations and letters, affords me no security; every sentiment that my tongue and my pen have uttered, bear testimony to the rectitude of my mind; but this testimony is rejected. I am condemned as brutally profligate: I am classed with the stupidly and sordidly wicked.
"I came here not to confess, but to defend myself. I know where your opinions come from. Wieland has told me what your suspicions are based on. These suspicions, which you treat as facts, leave me no sense of security; every thought that I've expressed in speech or in writing shows the integrity of my mind, but this evidence is dismissed. I am judged as brutally immoral: I am put in the same category as those who are mindlessly and maliciously evil."
"And where are the proofs that must justify so foul and so improbable an accusation? You have overheard a midnight conference. Voices have saluted your ear, in which you imagine yourself to have recognized mine, and that of a detected villain. The sentiments expressed were not allowed to outweigh the casual or concerted resemblance of voice. Sentiments the reverse of all those whose influence my former life had attested, denoting a mind polluted by grovelling vices, and entering into compact with that of a thief and a murderer. The nature of these sentiments did not enable you to detect the cheat, did not suggest to you the possibility that my voice had been counterfeited by another.
"And where's the evidence to back up such a disgusting and unlikely accusation? You overheard a late-night conversation. You think you recognized my voice and that of a confirmed criminal. The emotions expressed were not considered more important than the possible similarity in voices. These feelings were completely opposite to everything my previous life had shown, indicating a mind tainted by low vices and colluding with that of a thief and a murderer. The nature of these feelings didn't allow you to see the deception or suggest to you that my voice could have been faked by someone else."
"You were precipitate and prone to condemn. Instead of rushing on the impostors, and comparing the evidence of sight with that of hearing, you stood aloof, or you fled. My innocence would not now have stood in need of vindication, if this conduct had been pursued. That you did not pursue it, your present thoughts incontestibly prove. Yet this conduct might surely have been expected from Pleyel. That he would not hastily impute the blackest of crimes, that he would not couple my name with infamy, and cover me with ruin for inadequate or slight reasons, might reasonably have been expected." The sobs which convulsed my bosom would not suffer me to proceed.
"You were quick to judge and quick to condemn. Instead of jumping to conclusions about the impostors and comparing what you saw with what you heard, you either stayed away or ran away. If you had acted differently, I wouldn't need to defend my innocence now. Your current thoughts clearly show that you didn't take that path. However, one would have expected this kind of behavior from Pleyel. It would have been reasonable to think he wouldn't rush to blame me for the worst crimes, that he wouldn’t associate my name with disgrace and ruin me for trivial reasons." The sobs that shook my chest wouldn’t let me continue.
Pleyel was for a moment affected. He looked at me with some expression of doubt; but this quickly gave place to a mournful solemnity. He fixed his eyes on the floor as in reverie, and spoke:
Pleyel was momentarily moved. He glanced at me with a look of uncertainty, but this quickly turned into a sad seriousness. He stared at the floor as if lost in thought and said:
"Two hours hence I am gone. Shall I carry away with me the sorrow that is now my guest? or shall that sorrow be accumulated tenfold? What is she that is now before me? Shall every hour supply me with new proofs of a wickedness beyond example? Already I deem her the most abandoned and detestable of human creatures. Her coming and her tears imparted a gleam of hope, but that gleam has vanished."
"Two hours from now, I’ll be gone. Should I take the sadness that’s my companion with me? Or will that sadness only grow stronger? Who is she, standing in front of me? Will every hour give me more evidence of her terrible nature? I already think of her as the most miserable and hateful person imaginable. Her arrival and her tears gave me a bit of hope, but that hope has disappeared."
He now fixed his eyes upon me, and every muscle in his face trembled. His tone was hollow and terrible—"Thou knowest that I was a witness of your interview, yet thou comest hither to upbraid me for injustice! Thou canst look me in the face and say that I am deceived!—An inscrutable providence has fashioned thee for some end. Thou wilt live, no doubt, to fulfil the purposes of thy maker, if he repent not of his workmanship, and send not his vengeance to exterminate thee, ere the measure of thy days be full. Surely nothing in the shape of man can vie with thee!
He fixed his gaze on me, and every muscle in his face quivered. His tone was hollow and chilling—"You know that I witnessed your meeting, yet you come here to accuse me of injustice! You can look me in the eye and say that I’m wrong! An unfathomable fate has shaped you for some reason. You will undoubtedly live to fulfill your creator’s purposes, unless he regrets his creation and doesn’t send his wrath to wipe you out before your time is up. Surely nothing that resembles a human can compare to you!
"But I thought I had stifled this fury. I am not constituted thy judge. My office is to pity and amend, and not to punish and revile. I deemed myself exempt from all tempestuous passions. I had almost persuaded myself to weep over thy fall; but I am frail as dust, and mutable as water; I am calm, I am compassionate only in thy absence.—Make this house, this room, thy abode as long as thou wilt, but forgive me if I prefer solitude for the short time during which I shall stay." Saying this, he motioned as if to leave the apartment.
"But I thought I had controlled this anger. I'm not meant to judge you. My role is to feel compassion and help, not to punish and insult. I convinced myself I was free from all turbulent emotions. I almost talked myself into feeling sad about your downfall; but I'm as fragile as dust and unpredictable like water; I feel calm and compassionate only when you’re not around. Stay here in this house, this room, for as long as you want, but please understand if I choose to be alone for the little time I’ll be here." With that, he gestured as if to leave the room.
The stormy passions of this man affected me by sympathy. I ceased to weep. I was motionless and speechless with agony. I sat with my hands clasped, mutely gazing after him as he withdrew. I desired to detain him, but was unable to make any effort for that purpose, till he had passed out of the room. I then uttered an involuntary and piercing cry—"Pleyel! Art thou gone? Gone forever?"
The intense emotions of this man moved me deeply. I stopped crying. I was frozen and speechless with pain. I sat with my hands clasped, silently watching him as he left. I wanted to stop him, but I couldn’t do anything until he was out of the room. Then I let out an involuntary, heart-wrenching cry—"Pleyel! Are you gone? Gone forever?"
At this summons he hastily returned. He beheld me wild, pale, gasping for breath, and my head already sinking on my bosom. A painful dizziness seized me, and I fainted away.
At this call, he quickly came back. He saw me looking frantic, pale, struggling to breathe, and my head already falling onto my chest. A heavy dizziness hit me, and I passed out.
When I recovered, I found myself stretched on a bed in the outer apartment, and Pleyel, with two female servants standing beside it. All the fury and scorn which the countenance of the former lately expressed, had now disappeared, and was succeeded by the most tender anxiety. As soon as he perceived that my senses were returned to me, he clasped his hands, and exclaimed, "God be thanked! you are once more alive. I had almost despaired of your recovery. I fear I have been precipitate and unjust. My senses must have been the victims of some inexplicable and momentary phrenzy. Forgive me, I beseech you, forgive my reproaches. I would purchase conviction of your purity, at the price of my existence here and hereafter."
When I came to, I found myself lying on a bed in the outer room, with Pleyel and two female servants standing beside it. All the anger and disdain that had been on his face earlier had vanished, replaced by deep concern. As soon as he noticed I was conscious again, he clasped his hands and exclaimed, "Thank God! You're alive again. I nearly lost hope for your recovery. I fear I was hasty and unfair. I must have been caught up in some strange, fleeting madness. Please, forgive me, I beg you, forgive my accusations. I would give anything to truly believe in your innocence, even if it cost me my life now and forever."
He once more, in a tone of the most fervent tenderness, besought me to be composed, and then left me to the care of the women.
He once again, in a voice full of deep tenderness, urged me to stay calm, and then left me in the care of the women.
Chapter XIII
Here was wrought a surprizing change in my friend. What was it that had shaken conviction so firm? Had any thing occurred during my fit, adequate to produce so total an alteration? My attendants informed me that he had not left my apartment; that the unusual duration of my fit, and the failure, for a time, of all the means used for my recovery, had filled him with grief and dismay. Did he regard the effect which his reproaches had produced as a proof of my sincerity?
Here was a surprising change in my friend. What had shaken his strong beliefs? Did something happen during my episode that could cause such a total transformation? My attendants told me that he hadn’t left my room; that the unusually long duration of my episode, along with the failure of all attempts to help me recover for a while, had filled him with grief and despair. Did he see the effect of his criticisms on me as a sign of my sincerity?
In this state of mind, I little regarded my languors of body. I rose and requested an interview with him before my departure, on which I was resolved, notwithstanding his earnest solicitation to spend the night at his house. He complied with my request. The tenderness which he had lately betrayed, had now disappeared, and he once more relapsed into a chilling solemnity.
In this state of mind, I hardly paid attention to my physical exhaustion. I got up and asked to meet with him before I left, which I was set on doing despite his strong insistence that I stay the night at his place. He agreed to my request. The warmth he had shown recently was now gone, and he had reverted back to a cold seriousness.
I told him that I was preparing to return to my brother's; that I had come hither to vindicate my innocence from the foul aspersions which he had cast upon it. My pride had not taken refuge in silence or distance. I had not relied upon time, or the suggestion of his cooler thoughts, to confute his charges. Conscious as I was that I was perfectly guiltless, and entertaining some value for his good opinion, I could not prevail upon myself to believe that my efforts to make my innocence manifest, would be fruitless. Adverse appearances might be numerous and specious, but they were unquestionably false. I was willing to believe him sincere, that he made no charges which he himself did not believe; but these charges were destitute of truth. The grounds of his opinion were fallacious; and I desired an opportunity of detecting their fallacy. I entreated him to be explicit, and to give me a detail of what he had heard, and what he had seen.
I told him that I was getting ready to go back to my brother's; that I had come here to clear my name from the terrible accusations he had made. My pride didn’t hide away in silence or distance. I didn’t think time or the cooler thoughts of his mind would disprove his claims. Knowing that I was completely innocent and valuing his good opinion, I couldn’t convince myself that my attempts to prove my innocence would be pointless. There might be many misleading and convincing appearances, but they were definitely false. I wanted to believe he was sincere, that he made no accusations he didn't believe; but those accusations were not true. The basis of his opinion was flawed, and I wanted a chance to show that flaw. I urged him to be clear and to tell me everything he had heard and seen.
At these words, my companion's countenance grew darker. He appeared to be struggling with his rage. He opened his lips to speak, but his accents died away ere they were formed. This conflict lasted for some minutes, but his fortitude was finally successful. He spoke as follows:
At these words, my companion's face grew darker. He seemed to be fighting his anger. He opened his mouth to speak, but his words faded before they could form. This struggle lasted for a few minutes, but he eventually found the strength to continue. He said:
"I would fain put an end to this hateful scene: what I shall say, will be breath idly and unprofitably consumed. The clearest narrative will add nothing to your present knowledge. You are acquainted with the grounds of my opinion, and yet you avow yourself innocent: Why then should I rehearse these grounds? You are apprized of the character of Carwin: Why then should I enumerate the discoveries which I have made respecting him? Yet, since it is your request; since, considering the limitedness of human faculties, some error may possibly lurk in those appearances which I have witnessed, I will briefly relate what I know.
"I really want to put an end to this awful situation: what I'm about to say will just be time wasted. A clear story won't add anything to what you already know. You know why I think the way I do, and yet you say you're innocent: so why should I go over those reasons again? You know what kind of person Carwin is: so why should I list what I've discovered about him? Still, since you asked for it; and since, given the limitations of human understanding, there might be some mistake in what I’ve seen, I’ll briefly share what I know."
"Need I dwell upon the impressions which your conversation and deportment originally made upon me? We parted in childhood; but our intercourse, by letter, was copious and uninterrupted. How fondly did I anticipate a meeting with one whom her letters had previously taught me to consider as the first of women, and how fully realized were the expectations that I had formed!
"Do I need to go on about the impressions your conversation and behavior left on me? We parted as kids, but we stayed in touch through letters without pause. I was so excited about meeting someone whose letters had made me see her as the best of women, and my expectations were completely met!"
"Here, said I, is a being, after whom sages may model their transcendent intelligence, and painters, their ideal beauty. Here is exemplified, that union between intellect and form, which has hitherto existed only in the conceptions of the poet. I have watched your eyes; my attention has hung upon your lips. I have questioned whether the enchantments of your voice were more conspicuous in the intricacies of melody, or the emphasis of rhetoric. I have marked the transitions of your discourse, the felicities of your expression, your refined argumentation, and glowing imagery; and been forced to acknowledge, that all delights were meagre and contemptible, compared with those connected with the audience and sight of you. I have contemplated your principles, and been astonished at the solidity of their foundation, and the perfection of their structure. I have traced you to your home. I have viewed you in relation to your servants, to your family, to your neighbours, and to the world. I have seen by what skilful arrangements you facilitate the performance of the most arduous and complicated duties; what daily accessions of strength your judicious discipline bestowed upon your memory; what correctness and abundance of knowledge was daily experienced by your unwearied application to books, and to writing. If she that possesses so much in the bloom of youth, will go on accumulating her stores, what, said I, is the picture she will display at a mature age?
"Here, I said, is someone whom wise people could look to for extraordinary intelligence, and artists for ideal beauty. Here is a perfect example of the combination of mind and body, which has previously only existed in the imaginations of poets. I've watched your eyes; I've focused on your lips. I've wondered whether the charms of your voice shine more in the melodies or in the strength of your speech. I've noticed the shifts in your conversation, the brilliance of your expressions, your sophisticated arguments, and vivid imagery; and I've had to admit that all other joys seem small and trivial compared to the pleasure of being with you and seeing you. I've considered your principles and been amazed at their solid foundation and flawless structure. I've traced your background. I've seen you in relation to your staff, your family, your neighbors, and the world. I've observed how, through skillful organization, you manage the most challenging and complex tasks; how your wise training enhances your memory daily; and how your tireless dedication to reading and writing gives you a wealth of knowledge. If someone with so much at a young age continues to grow her abilities, I wondered, what will she be like in maturity?"
"You know not the accuracy of my observation. I was desirous that others should profit by an example so rare. I therefore noted down, in writing, every particular of your conduct. I was anxious to benefit by an opportunity so seldom afforded us. I laboured not to omit the slightest shade, or the most petty line in your portrait. Here there was no other task incumbent on me but to copy; there was no need to exaggerate or overlook, in order to produce a more unexceptionable pattern. Here was a combination of harmonies and graces, incapable of diminution or accession without injury to its completeness.
You have no idea how precise my observations are. I wanted others to learn from such a rare example. So, I wrote down every detail of your behavior. I was eager to take advantage of a chance that doesn’t come around often. I made sure not to miss even the smallest detail or line in your depiction. My only task here was to replicate; there was no need to embellish or ignore anything to create a better version. What I witnessed was a collection of harmonies and graces that couldn’t be diminished or added to without harming its perfection.
"I found no end and no bounds to my task. No display of a scene like this could be chargeable with redundancy or superfluity. Even the colour of a shoe, the knot of a ribband, or your attitude in plucking a rose, were of moment to be recorded. Even the arrangements of your breakfast-table and your toilet have been amply displayed.
"I found no end and no limits to my task. No depiction of a scene like this could be criticized for being redundant or excessive. Even the color of a shoe, the way a ribbon is tied, or your position while picking a rose were important enough to note. Even the setup of your breakfast table and your grooming have been thoroughly showcased."
"I know that mankind are more easily enticed to virtue by example than by precept. I know that the absoluteness of a model, when supplied by invention, diminishes its salutary influence, since it is useless, we think, to strive after that which we know to be beyond our reach. But the picture which I drew was not a phantom; as a model, it was devoid of imperfection; and to aspire to that height which had been really attained, was by no means unreasonable. I had another and more interesting object in view. One existed who claimed all my tenderness. Here, in all its parts, was a model worthy of assiduous study, and indefatigable imitation. I called upon her, as she wished to secure and enhance my esteem, to mould her thoughts, her words, her countenance, her actions, by this pattern.
"I know that people are more easily encouraged to be good by seeing others do it than by being told to do so. I understand that a perfect example, when created from imagination, loses its positive impact because we feel it's pointless to aim for something we know we can't achieve. But the picture I created wasn't an illusion; it was a flawless model, and striving for a height that had actually been reached was not unreasonable at all. I had another, more interesting goal in mind. There was someone who deserved all my affection. Here, in every aspect, was a model worth diligent study and constant imitation. I urged her, as she wanted to earn and increase my respect, to shape her thoughts, words, expressions, and actions according to this example."
"The task was exuberant of pleasure, and I was deeply engaged in it, when an imp of mischief was let loose in the form of Carwin. I admired his powers and accomplishments. I did not wonder that they were admired by you. On the rectitude of your judgement, however, I relied to keep this admiration within discreet and scrupulous bounds. I assured myself, that the strangeness of his deportment, and the obscurity of his life, would teach you caution. Of all errors, my knowledge of your character informed me that this was least likely to befall you.
"The task was full of joy, and I was really into it when a mischievous spirit appeared in the form of Carwin. I admired his skills and achievements. I wasn't surprised that you admired him too. However, I relied on your good judgment to keep this admiration in check. I convinced myself that his weird behavior and mysterious background would make you cautious. Knowing your character, I felt this was the least likely mistake for you to make."
"You were powerfully affected by his first appearance; you were bewitched by his countenance and his tones; your description was ardent and pathetic: I listened to you with some emotions of surprize. The portrait you drew in his absence, and the intensity with which you mused upon it, were new and unexpected incidents. They bespoke a sensibility somewhat too vivid; but from which, while subjected to the guidance of an understanding like yours, there was nothing to dread.
You were really struck by his first appearance; you were captivated by his looks and voice; your description was passionate and emotional: I listened to you with some surprise. The picture you painted of him in his absence and the depth of your thoughts about it were new and unexpected. They showed a sensitivity that was a bit too intense; but with your level of understanding, there was nothing to worry about.
"A more direct intercourse took place between you. I need not apologize for the solicitude which I entertained for your safety. He that gifted me with perception of excellence, compelled me to love it. In the midst of danger and pain, my contemplations have ever been cheered by your image. Every object in competition with you, was worthless and trivial. No price was too great by which your safety could be purchased. For that end, the sacrifice of ease, of health, and even of life, would cheerfully have been made by me. What wonder then, that I scrutinized the sentiments and deportment of this man with ceaseless vigilance; that I watched your words and your looks when he was present; and that I extracted cause for the deepest inquietudes, from every token which you gave of having put your happiness into this man's keeping?
A more direct connection formed between you. I don’t need to apologize for the concern I felt for your safety. The ability to recognize excellence made me love it. Even in the midst of danger and pain, my thoughts have always been lifted by your image. Everything else seemed worthless and insignificant in comparison to you. No price was too high for me to ensure your safety. To achieve that, I would gladly have sacrificed my comfort, health, and even my life. So, it’s no surprise that I carefully observed this man's feelings and behavior; that I paid close attention to your words and expressions when he was around; and that I found reasons for my deepest worries from every sign that you had placed your happiness in this man's hands.
"I was cautious in deciding. I recalled the various conversations in which the topics of love and marriage had been discussed. As a woman, young, beautiful, and independent, it behoved you to have fortified your mind with just principles on this subject. Your principles were eminently just. Had not their rectitude and their firmness been attested by your treatment of that specious seducer Dashwood? These principles, I was prone to believe, exempted you from danger in this new state of things. I was not the last to pay my homage to the unrivalled capacity, insinuation, and eloquence of this man. I have disguised, but could never stifle the conviction, that his eyes and voice had a witchcraft in them, which rendered him truly formidable: but I reflected on the ambiguous expression of his countenance—an ambiguity which you were the first to remark; on the cloud which obscured his character; and on the suspicious nature of that concealment which he studied; and concluded you to be safe. I denied the obvious construction to appearances. I referred your conduct to some principle which had not been hitherto disclosed, but which was reconcileable with those already known.
I was careful in making my decision. I remembered the various conversations where we talked about love and marriage. As a young, beautiful, and independent woman, it was important for you to have solid principles on this topic. Your principles were definitely sound. Hadn't their correctness and strength been proven by how you dealt with that smooth-talking seducer Dashwood? I was inclined to believe that your principles kept you safe in this new situation. I wasn’t the last to acknowledge the unmatched skill, charm, and persuasive abilities of this man. I have tried to hide, but I couldn't shake the feeling that his eyes and voice held a kind of magic that made him genuinely dangerous. But I thought about the unclear expression on his face—something you were the first to notice; about the shadow hanging over his character; and about the suspicious nature of his secrecy; and I concluded that you were safe. I dismissed the obvious interpretations of what I saw. I attributed your actions to some principle that hadn’t been revealed yet, but that fit with the ones we already knew.
"I was not suffered to remain long in this suspence. One evening, you may recollect, I came to your house, where it was my purpose, as usual, to lodge, somewhat earlier than ordinary. I spied a light in your chamber as I approached from the outside, and on inquiring of Judith, was informed that you were writing. As your kinsman and friend, and fellow-lodger, I thought I had a right to be familiar. You were in your chamber, but your employment and the time were such as to make it no infraction of decorum to follow you thither. The spirit of mischievous gaiety possessed me. I proceeded on tiptoe. You did not perceive my entrance; and I advanced softly till I was able to overlook your shoulder.
I wasn't kept in suspense for long. One evening, as you may remember, I came to your house, planning to stay earlier than usual. I noticed a light in your room as I approached from outside, and when I asked Judith, she told me you were writing. As your relative, friend, and fellow lodger, I thought I had the right to be a bit casual with you. You were in your room, and the work you were doing and the time made it perfectly fine for me to follow you in. I felt a playful impulse and crept in quietly. You didn’t notice me come in, and I moved softly until I could peek over your shoulder.
"I had gone thus far in error, and had no power to recede. How cautiously should we guard against the first inroads of temptation! I knew that to pry into your papers was criminal; but I reflected that no sentiment of yours was of a nature which made it your interest to conceal it. You wrote much more than you permitted your friends to peruse. My curiosity was strong, and I had only to throw a glance upon the paper, to secure its gratification. I should never have deliberately committed an act like this. The slightest obstacle would have repelled me; but my eye glanced almost spontaneously upon the paper. I caught only parts of sentences; but my eyes comprehended more at a glance, because the characters were short-hand. I lighted on the words SUMMER-HOUSE, MIDNIGHT, and made out a passage which spoke of the propriety and of the effects to be expected from ANOTHER interview. All this passed in less than a moment. I then checked myself, and made myself known to you, by a tap upon your shoulder.
"I had gone this far in error and had no way to backtrack. We should be really careful about the first signs of temptation! I knew that looking through your papers was wrong, but I thought that nothing in there was something you’d want to hide. You wrote a lot more than you allowed your friends to see. My curiosity was strong, and I just had to glance at the paper to satisfy it. I would never have intentionally done something like this. The smallest barrier would have stopped me, but my eyes almost instinctively fell on the paper. I only caught snippets of sentences, but I understood more quickly because the writing was in shorthand. I noticed the words SUMMER-HOUSE, MIDNIGHT, and deciphered a part that mentioned the appropriateness and the outcomes expected from ANOTHER meeting. All of this happened in less than a second. Then I stopped myself and tapped you on the shoulder to let you know I was there."
"I could pardon and account for some trifling alarm; but your trepidation and blushes were excessive. You hurried the paper out of sight, and seemed too anxious to discover whether I knew the contents to allow yourself to make any inquiries. I wondered at these appearances of consternation, but did not reason on them until I had retired. When alone, these incidents suggested themselves to my reflections anew.
"I could excuse a little bit of nervousness, but your fear and blushing were over the top. You quickly hid the paper and seemed too worried about whether I knew what was on it to ask any questions. I was puzzled by your signs of panic, but I didn't think much about it until I was by myself. Once I was alone, these incidents came back to my mind."
"To what scene, or what interview, I asked, did you allude? Your disappearance on a former evening, my tracing you to the recess in the bank, your silence on my first and second call, your vague answers and invincible embarrassment, when you, at length, ascended the hill, I recollected with new surprize. Could this be the summerhouse alluded to? A certain timidity and consciousness had generally attended you, when this incident and this recess had been the subjects of conversation. Nay, I imagined that the last time that adventure was mentioned, which happened in the presence of Carwin, the countenance of the latter betrayed some emotion. Could the interview have been with him?
"Which scene or conversation are you referring to? Your disappearance the other night, my tracking you down to the spot by the bank, your silence during my first and second calls, your vague replies and clear discomfort when you finally climbed the hill—I remembered all of this with new surprise. Could this be the summerhouse you mentioned? You usually seemed timid and aware of something when we talked about this incident and that spot. In fact, I thought that the last time we brought it up, in front of Carwin, his expression revealed some kind of emotion. Could your meeting have been with him?"
"This was an idea calculated to rouse every faculty to contemplation. An interview at that hour, in this darksome retreat, with a man of this mysterious but formidable character; a clandestine interview, and one which you afterwards endeavoured with so much solicitude to conceal! It was a fearful and portentous occurrence. I could not measure his power, or fathom his designs. Had he rifled from you the secret of your love, and reconciled you to concealment and noctural meetings? I scarcely ever spent a night of more inquietude.
This was an idea that was sure to provoke deep thought. Meeting at that hour, in this gloomy place, with a man of such a mysterious yet powerful presence; a secret meeting, one that you later tried so hard to hide! It was a frightening and significant event. I couldn't gauge his strength or understand his intentions. Had he taken from you the secret of your love, and gotten you to accept secrecy and late-night meetings? I hardly ever spent a night feeling more restless.
"I knew not how to act. The ascertainment of this man's character and views seemed to be, in the first place, necessary. Had he openly preferred his suit to you, we should have been impowered to make direct inquiries; but since he had chosen this obscure path, it seemed reasonable to infer that his character was exceptionable. It, at least, subjected us to the necessity of resorting to other means of information. Yet the improbability that you should commit a deed of such rashness, made me reflect anew upon the insufficiency of those grounds on which my suspicions had been built, and almost to condemn myself for harbouring them.
"I didn't know how to act. It seemed necessary to figure out this man's character and beliefs first. If he had openly expressed his interest in you, we could have made direct inquiries; but since he chose this indirect approach, it seemed reasonable to think that something was off about him. At the very least, it forced us to look for other ways to gather information. Still, the unlikelihood of you doing something so reckless made me reconsider the weak basis of my suspicions and almost made me feel guilty for having them."
"Though it was mere conjecture that the interview spoken of had taken place with Carwin, yet two ideas occurred to involve me in the most painful doubts. This man's reasonings might be so specious, and his artifices so profound, that, aided by the passion which you had conceived for him, he had finally succeeded; or his situation might be such as to justify the secrecy which you maintained. In neither case did my wildest reveries suggest to me, that your honor had been forfeited.
"Although it was just a guess that the interview mentioned had happened with Carwin, two ideas came to mind that filled me with intense doubt. This man's arguments could be so convincing, and his tricks so elaborate, that, combined with the feelings you had developed for him, he may have ultimately succeeded; or his circumstances might be such that they explained the secrecy you kept. In either case, my wildest fantasies never suggested that your honor had been compromised."
"I could not talk with you on this subject. If the imputation was false, its atrociousness would have justly drawn upon me your resentment, and I must have explained by what facts it had been suggested. If it were true, no benefit would follow from the mention of it. You had chosen to conceal it for some reasons, and whether these reasons were true or false, it was proper to discover and remove them in the first place. Finally, I acquiesced in the least painful supposition, trammelled as it was with perplexities, that Carwin was upright, and that, if the reasons of your silence were known, they would be found to be just."
"I couldn’t talk to you about this topic. If the accusation was false, its seriousness would understandably make you resent me, and I would have to explain the facts behind it. If it was true, mentioning it wouldn’t lead to any good. You chose to keep it hidden for some reason, and whether those reasons were valid or not, it was important to uncover and address them first. In the end, I went along with the least painful assumption, despite the confusion it caused, that Carwin was honest, and that if the reasons for your silence were revealed, they would be found to be justified."
Chapter XIV
"Three days have elapsed since this occurrence. I have been haunted by perpetual inquietude. To bring myself to regard Carwin without terror, and to acquiesce in the belief of your safety, was impossible. Yet to put an end to my doubts, seemed to be impracticable. If some light could be reflected on the actual situation of this man, a direct path would present itself. If he were, contrary to the tenor of his conversation, cunning and malignant, to apprize you of this, would be to place you in security. If he were merely unfortunate and innocent, most readily would I espouse his cause; and if his intentions were upright with regard to you, most eagerly would I sanctify your choice by my approbation.
"Three days have gone by since this happened. I’ve been tormented by constant anxiety. It felt impossible to look at Carwin without fear and to believe in your safety. Yet finding a way to clear my doubts seemed unfeasible. If only I could understand the true situation with this man, a clear path would emerge. If he were, despite his words, sneaky and malicious, letting you know would keep you safe. If he were just unfortunate and innocent, I would easily support him; and if his intentions towards you were good, I would gladly endorse your choice."
"It would be vain to call upon Carwin for an avowal of his deeds. It was better to know nothing, than to be deceived by an artful tale. What he was unwilling to communicate, and this unwillingness had been repeatedly manifested, could never be extorted from him. Importunity might be appeased, or imposture effected by fallacious representations. To the rest of the world he was unknown. I had often made him the subject of discourse; but a glimpse of his figure in the street was the sum of their knowledge who knew most. None had ever seen him before, and received as new, the information which my intercourse with him in Valencia, and my present intercourse, enabled me to give.
It would be pointless to ask Carwin to admit to his actions. It was better to know nothing than to be misled by a clever story. What he was unwilling to share, and this unwillingness had been clearly shown, could never be forced out of him. Pressure might be soothed, or deception carried out through misleading claims. To the rest of the world, he was a mystery. I had often talked about him, but a brief sighting of him in the street was all that those who knew the most about him could say. No one had ever seen him before, and they reacted to the information I shared from my time with him in Valencia and our current interactions as if it were brand new.
"Wieland was your brother. If he had really made you the object of his courtship, was not a brother authorized to interfere and demand from him the confession of his views? Yet what were the grounds on which I had reared this supposition? Would they justify a measure like this? Surely not.
"Wieland was your brother. If he really had you as the focus of his courtship, shouldn't a brother be allowed to step in and ask him to clarify his intentions? But what were the reasons that led me to believe this? Would they support such an action? Probably not."
"In the course of my restless meditations, it occurred to me, at length, that my duty required me to speak to you, to confess the indecorum of which I had been guilty, and to state the reflections to which it had led me. I was prompted by no mean or selfish views. The heart within my breast was not more precious than your safety: most cheerfully would I have interposed my life between you and danger. Would you cherish resentment at my conduct? When acquainted with the motive which produced it, it would not only exempt me from censure, but entitle me to gratitude.
"During my restless thoughts, it finally struck me that I needed to talk to you, to admit the mistake I made, and to share the thoughts it led me to. I wasn’t motivated by any petty or selfish reasons. My concern for your safety meant more to me than anything else: I would gladly put my life on the line to protect you from harm. Would you hold a grudge against me for my actions? Once you understand the reason behind them, not only would it clear me from blame, but it would also earn me your gratitude."
"Yesterday had been selected for the rehearsal of the newly-imported tragedy. I promised to be present. The state of my thoughts but little qualified me for a performer or auditor in such a scene; but I reflected that, after it was finished, I should return home with you, and should then enjoy an opportunity of discoursing with you fully on this topic. My resolution was not formed without a remnant of doubt, as to its propriety. When I left this house to perform the visit I had promised, my mind was full of apprehension and despondency. The dubiousness of the event of our conversation, fear that my interference was too late to secure your peace, and the uncertainty to which hope gave birth, whether I had not erred in believing you devoted to this man, or, at least, in imagining that he had obtained your consent to midnight conferences, distracted me with contradictory opinions, and repugnant emotions.
"Yesterday was set for the rehearsal of the newly-imported tragedy. I promised to be there. My state of mind didn't really prepare me to be either a performer or a listener in such a situation, but I thought that once it was over, I could go home with you and have a chance to discuss this topic fully. My decision wasn't made without some lingering doubt about whether it was appropriate. When I left this house to keep the promise I made, I was filled with anxiety and hopelessness. The uncertainty about how our conversation would go, the fear that I was too late to help you find peace, and the doubt that came from hope—wondering if I had misjudged your feelings for this man or if he really had your permission for those late-night meetings—left me tormented by conflicting thoughts and uncomfortable feelings."
"I can assign no reason for calling at Mrs. Baynton's. I had seen her in the morning, and knew her to be well. The concerted hour had nearly arrived, and yet I turned up the street which leads to her house, and dismounted at her door. I entered the parlour and threw myself in a chair. I saw and inquired for no one. My whole frame was overpowered by dreary and comfortless sensations. One idea possessed me wholly; the inexpressible importance of unveiling the designs and character of Carwin, and the utter improbability that this ever would be effected. Some instinct induced me to lay my hand upon a newspaper. I had perused all the general intelligence it contained in the morning, and at the same spot. The act was rather mechanical than voluntary.
"I can't really say why I decided to stop by Mrs. Baynton's. I had seen her earlier that morning and knew she was fine. The time we had planned to meet was almost here, but still, I found myself walking up the street to her house and getting off my horse at her door. I walked into the living room and slumped into a chair. I neither saw nor asked for anyone. I was completely overwhelmed by bleak and unsettling feelings. One thought consumed me entirely: the desperate need to uncover Carwin's motives and character, and how unlikely it seemed that I would ever succeed. Some instinct made me put my hand on a newspaper. I had already read all the news it had that morning, in the same place. It felt more like a reflex than a choice."
"I threw a languid glance at the first column that presented itself. The first words which I read, began with the offer of a reward of three hundred guineas for the apprehension of a convict under sentence of death, who had escaped from Newgate prison in Dublin. Good heaven! how every fibre of my frame tingled when I proceeded to read that the name of the criminal was Francis Carwin!
"I cast a lazy glance at the first column I saw. The first words I read offered a reward of three hundred guineas for the capture of a convict on death row who had escaped from Newgate prison in Dublin. Good heavens! Every part of me tingled as I read that the name of the criminal was Francis Carwin!"
"The descriptions of his person and address were minute. His stature, hair, complexion, the extraordinary position and arrangement of his features, his aukward and disproportionate form, his gesture and gait, corresponded perfectly with those of our mysterious visitant. He had been found guilty in two indictments. One for the murder of the Lady Jane Conway, and the other for a robbery committed on the person of the honorable Mr. Ludloe.
"The details about his appearance and manner were precise. His height, hair, skin tone, the unusual shape and arrangement of his facial features, his awkward and disproportionate build, his movements and walking style all matched perfectly with those of our mysterious visitor. He had been found guilty on two charges: one for the murder of Lady Jane Conway, and the other for a robbery against the honorable Mr. Ludloe."
"I repeatedly perused this passage. The ideas which flowed in upon my mind, affected me like an instant transition from death to life. The purpose dearest to my heart was thus effected, at a time and by means the least of all others within the scope of my foresight. But what purpose? Carwin was detected. Acts of the blackest and most sordid guilt had been committed by him. Here was evidence which imparted to my understanding the most luminous certainty. The name, visage, and deportment, were the same. Between the time of his escape, and his appearance among us, there was a sufficient agreement. Such was the man with whom I suspected you to maintain a clandestine correspondence. Should I not haste to snatch you from the talons of this vulture? Should I see you rushing to the verge of a dizzy precipice, and not stretch forth a hand to pull you back? I had no need to deliberate. I thrust the paper in my pocket, and resolved to obtain an immediate conference with you. For a time, no other image made its way to my understanding. At length, it occurred to me, that though the information I possessed was, in one sense, sufficient, yet if more could be obtained, more was desirable. This passage was copied from a British paper; part of it only, perhaps, was transcribed. The printer was in possession of the original.
I read this passage over and over. The ideas that flooded my mind felt like an immediate shift from death to life. The goal that meant the most to me was achieved, at a time and in a way I never expected. But what was that goal? Carwin was caught. He had committed the most despicable and disgraceful acts. Here was evidence that gave me an undeniable understanding. The name, face, and behavior were all the same. There was a clear connection between the time of his escape and when he showed up with us. This was the man I suspected you were secretly communicating with. Shouldn't I rush to save you from this predator? If I saw you running toward the edge of a steep cliff, would I not reach out to pull you back? I didn’t need to think twice. I stuffed the paper into my pocket and decided to meet with you right away. For a while, I couldn’t think of anything else. Eventually, I realized that while the information I had was, in one way, enough, getting more would be even better. This passage was copied from a British paper; only part of it was transcribed, perhaps. The printer had the original.
"Towards his house I immediately turned my horse's head. He produced the paper, but I found nothing more than had already been seen. While busy in perusing it, the printer stood by my side. He noticed the object of which I was in search. "Aye," said he, "that is a strange affair. I should never have met with it, had not Mr. Hallet sent to me the paper, with a particular request to republish that advertisement."
I quickly turned my horse toward his house. He brought out the paper, but I found nothing new. While I was reading it, the printer stood next to me. He saw what I was looking for. "Yeah," he said, "that's a weird thing. I would never have come across it if Mr. Hallet hadn't sent me the paper with a special request to reprint that advertisement."
"Mr. Hallet! What reasons could he have for making this request? Had the paper sent to him been accompanied by any information respecting the convict? Had he personal or extraordinary reasons for desiring its republication? This was to be known only in one way. I speeded to his house. In answer to my interrogations, he told me that Ludloe had formerly been in America, and that during his residence in this city, considerable intercourse had taken place between them. Hence a confidence arose, which has since been kept alive by occasional letters. He had lately received a letter from him, enclosing the newspaper from which this extract had been made. He put it into my hands, and pointed out the passages which related to Carwin.
"Mr. Hallet! What reasons could he have for making this request? Had the paper sent to him come with any information about the convict? Did he have personal or special reasons for wanting it republished? The answer could only be found one way. I hurried to his house. In response to my questions, he told me that Ludloe had previously been in America, and while he was living in this city, they had significant interactions. This built a trust that has been maintained through occasional letters. He had recently received a letter from him, which included the newspaper that contained this excerpt. He handed it to me and pointed out the parts that mentioned Carwin."
"Ludloe confirms the facts of his conviction and escape; and adds, that he had reason to believe him to have embarked for America. He describes him in general terms, as the most incomprehensible and formidable among men; as engaged in schemes, reasonably suspected to be, in the highest degree, criminal, but such as no human intelligence is able to unravel: that his ends are pursued by means which leave it in doubt whether he be not in league with some infernal spirit: that his crimes have hitherto been perpetrated with the aid of some unknown but desperate accomplices: that he wages a perpetual war against the happiness of mankind, and sets his engines of destruction at work against every object that presents itself.
Ludloe confirms the facts of his conviction and escape and adds that he has reason to believe he has headed to America. He describes him in broad terms as the most incomprehensible and intimidating person among men, involved in schemes that are reasonably suspected to be highly criminal, but no one can fully understand them. He suggests that the methods he uses raise doubt about whether he’s in league with some kind of evil spirit. His crimes have so far been carried out with the help of unknown but desperate accomplices. He is engaged in a constant battle against the happiness of humanity and unleashes his destructive plans against anything that comes his way.
"This is the substance of the letter. Hallet expressed some surprize at the curiosity which was manifested by me on this occasion. I was too much absorbed by the ideas suggested by this letter, to pay attention to his remarks. I shuddered with the apprehension of the evil to which our indiscreet familiarity with this man had probably exposed us. I burnt with impatience to see you, and to do what in me lay to avert the calamity which threatened us. It was already five o'clock. Night was hastening, and there was no time to be lost. On leaving Mr. Hallet's house, who should meet me in the street, but Bertrand, the servant whom I left in Germany. His appearance and accoutrements bespoke him to have just alighted from a toilsome and long journey. I was not wholly without expectation of seeing him about this time, but no one was then more distant from my thoughts. You know what reasons I have for anxiety respecting scenes with which this man was conversant. Carwin was for a moment forgotten. In answer to my vehement inquiries, Bertrand produced a copious packet. I shall not at present mention its contents, nor the measures which they obliged me to adopt. I bestowed a brief perusal on these papers, and having given some directions to Bertrand, resumed my purpose with regard to you. My horse I was obliged to resign to my servant, he being charged with a commission that required speed. The clock had struck ten, and Mettingen was five miles distant. I was to Journey thither on foot. These circumstances only added to my expedition.
"This is the main point of the letter. Hallet seemed surprised by my curiosity on this occasion. I was too focused on the ideas brought up by this letter to pay attention to his comments. I felt a chill thinking about the danger our careless familiarity with this man might have put us in. I was eager to see you and do everything I could to prevent the disaster looming over us. It was already five o'clock. Night was approaching quickly, and there was no time to waste. As I left Mr. Hallet's house, who should I encounter in the street but Bertrand, the servant I left in Germany. His appearance and gear showed he had just come from a long, tiring journey. I had some expectation of seeing him around this time, but he was the last person on my mind. You know why I’m worried about the situations this man is involved in. I briefly forgot about Carwin. In response to my urgent questions, Bertrand handed me a large packet. I won't go into what was in it or the actions it forced me to take right now. I quickly looked over the papers, gave Bertrand some instructions, and returned to my intent regarding you. I had to let my servant take my horse since he had an urgent task. The clock struck ten, and Mettingen was five miles away. I was going to make the journey on foot. These factors only fueled my urgency."
"As I passed swiftly along, I reviewed all the incidents accompanying the appearance and deportment of that man among us. Late events have been inexplicable and mysterious beyond any of which I have either read or heard. These events were coeval with Carwin's introduction. I am unable to explain their origin and mutual dependance; but I do not, on that account, believe them to have a supernatural origin. Is not this man the agent? Some of them seem to be propitious; but what should I think of those threats of assassination with which you were lately alarmed? Bloodshed is the trade, and horror is the element of this man. The process by which the sympathies of nature are extinguished in our hearts, by which evil is made our good, and by which we are made susceptible of no activity but in the infliction, and no joy but in the spectacle of woes, is an obvious process. As to an alliance with evil geniuses, the power and the malice of daemons have been a thousand times exemplified in human beings. There are no devils but those which are begotten upon selfishness, and reared by cunning.
As I moved quickly along, I reflected on all the moments surrounding that man’s presence and behavior among us. Recent events have been baffling and mysterious beyond anything I've read or heard. These events started happening when Carwin arrived. I can't explain their origin or how they are connected; however, I don't believe they are supernatural. Isn't this man the cause? Some of these incidents seem favorable, but what should I make of the assassination threats that recently worried you? Violence is his trade, and fear is his nature. The way our natural feelings are shut down, how evil becomes our good, and how we can only feel active in causing harm and find joy in witnessing suffering is pretty clear. Regarding a connection with evil forces, the power and malice of demons have been shown countless times in people. There are no devils except those created from selfishness and nurtured by deceit.
"Now, indeed, the scene was changed. It was not his secret poniard that I dreaded. It was only the success of his efforts to make you a confederate in your own destruction, to make your will the instrument by which he might bereave you of liberty and honor.
"Now, the situation was different. It wasn't his hidden dagger that I feared. It was just the success of his attempts to make you an accomplice in your own downfall, to turn your own will into the tool by which he could strip you of your freedom and dignity."
"I took, as usual, the path through your brother's ground. I ranged with celerity and silence along the bank. I approached the fence, which divides Wieland's estate from yours. The recess in the bank being near this line, it being necessary for me to pass near it, my mind being tainted with inveterate suspicions concerning you; suspicions which were indebted for their strength to incidents connected with this spot; what wonder that it seized upon my thoughts! "I leaped on the fence; but before I descended on the opposite side, I paused to survey the scene. Leaves dropping with dew, and glistening in the moon's rays, with no moving object to molest the deep repose, filled me with security and hope. I left the station at length, and tended forward. You were probably at rest. How should I communicate without alarming you, the intelligence of my arrival? An immediate interview was to be procured. I could not bear to think that a minute should be lost by remissness or hesitation. Should I knock at the door? or should I stand under your chamber windows, which I perceived to be open, and awaken you by my calls?
I took the usual path through your brother's land. I moved quickly and quietly along the bank. As I got closer to the fence that separates Wieland's estate from yours, I felt uneasy. The recess in the bank was near this boundary, and I had to pass close by it. My mind was filled with lingering suspicions about you, which were heightened by things that had happened in this area. It's no surprise that it consumed my thoughts! I jumped onto the fence, but before I climbed down to the other side, I paused to take in the scene. The leaves, covered in dew and shining in the moonlight, with nothing moving to disturb the deep calm, gave me a sense of security and hope. Finally, I left my spot and moved forward. You were probably resting. How could I let you know I was here without startling you? I needed to arrange a meeting right away. I couldn't stand the thought of wasting even a minute due to hesitation or indecision. Should I knock on the door? Or should I stay under your open bedroom windows and wake you with my calls?
"These reflections employed me, as I passed opposite to the summer-house. I had scarcely gone by, when my ear caught a sound unusual at this time and place. It was almost too faint and too transient to allow me a distinct perception of it. I stopped to listen; presently it was heard again, and now it was somewhat in a louder key. It was laughter; and unquestionably produced by a female voice. That voice was familiar to my senses. It was yours.
"These thoughts occupied me as I walked past the gazebo. I had barely passed by when I heard a sound that was unusual for this time and place. It was almost too soft and brief for me to make out clearly. I paused to listen; soon it was heard again, this time a bit louder. It was laughter, definitely coming from a female voice. That voice was familiar to me. It was yours."
"Whence it came, I was at first at a loss to conjecture; but this uncertainty vanished when it was heard the third time. I threw back my eyes towards the recess. Every other organ and limb was useless to me. I did not reason on the subject. I did not, in a direct manner, draw my conclusions from the hour, the place, the hilarity which this sound betokened, and the circumstance of having a companion, which it no less incontestably proved. In an instant, as it were, my heart was invaded with cold, and the pulses of life at a stand.
"Where it came from, I was initially unsure; but this confusion disappeared when I heard it a third time. I looked back toward the recess. Every other sense and limb felt useless to me. I didn’t think about it. I didn’t directly connect my thoughts to the time, the place, the joy the sound suggested, and the fact that it clearly indicated I had a companion. In an instant, it felt like my heart turned cold, and my life’s pulse stopped."
"Why should I go further? Why should I return? Should I not hurry to a distance from a sound, which, though formerly so sweet and delectable, was now more hideous than the shrieks of owls?
"Why should I keep going? Why should I go back? Shouldn't I rush away from a sound that, even though it was once so sweet and enjoyable, now felt more horrifying than the screams of owls?"
"I had no time to yield to this impulse. The thought of approaching and listening occurred to me. I had no doubt of which I was conscious. Yet my certainty was capable of increase. I was likewise stimulated by a sentiment that partook of rage. I was governed by an half-formed and tempestuous resolution to break in upon your interview, and strike you dead with my upbraiding.
I didn’t have time to give in to this urge. The idea of approaching and listening to you crossed my mind. I was sure of what I felt, but my certainty could grow even stronger. I was also fueled by a feeling that was almost anger. I was driven by a half-formed, intense decision to interrupt your conversation and confront you fiercely.
"I approached with the utmost caution. When I reached the edge of the bank immediately above the summer-house, I thought I heard voices from below, as busy in conversation. The steps in the rock are clear of bushy impediments. They allowed me to descend into a cavity beside the building without being detected. Thus to lie in wait could only be justified by the momentousness of the occasion."
I approached very carefully. When I reached the edge of the bank just above the summer house, I thought I heard voices from below, engaged in conversation. The steps in the rock were free of any dense greenery. They let me go down into a space next to the building without being noticed. So, lying in wait was only justifiable because of how significant the situation was.
Here Pleyel paused in his narrative, and fixed his eyes upon me. Situated as I was, my horror and astonishment at this tale gave way to compassion for the anguish which the countenance of my friend betrayed. I reflected on his force of understanding. I reflected on the powers of my enemy. I could easily divine the substance of the conversation that was overheard. Carwin had constructed his plot in a manner suited to the characters of those whom he had selected for his victims. I saw that the convictions of Pleyel were immutable. I forbore to struggle against the storm, because I saw that all struggles would be fruitless. I was calm; but my calmness was the torpor of despair, and not the tranquillity of fortitude. It was calmness invincible by any thing that his grief and his fury could suggest to Pleyel. He resumed—
Here, Pleyel paused in his story and stared at me. Given my situation, my horror and shock at this tale turned into compassion for the pain shown on my friend’s face. I thought about his strong understanding. I considered the powers of my enemy. I could easily guess what the overheard conversation was about. Carwin had set up his plan in a way that matched the personalities of his chosen victims. I realized that Pleyel's beliefs were unchangeable. I didn’t try to fight against the overwhelming situation because I knew it would be pointless. I felt calm, but that calmness was just a numbness of despair, not a peaceful strength. It was a calmness that couldn’t be shaken by anything his grief and rage could throw at Pleyel. He continued—
"Woman! wilt thou hear me further? Shall I go on to repeat the conversation? Is it shame that makes thee tongue-tied? Shall I go on? or art thou satisfied with what has been already said?"
"Woman! Will you hear me out? Should I continue to repeat the conversation? Is it embarrassment that has silenced you? Should I keep going? Or are you happy with what’s already been said?"
I bowed my head. "Go on," said I. "I make not this request in the hope of undeceiving you. I shall no longer contend with my own weakness. The storm is let loose, and I shall peaceably submit to be driven by its fury. But go on. This conference will end only with affording me a clearer foresight of my destiny; but that will be some satisfaction, and I will not part without it."
I lowered my head. "Go on," I said. "I'm not asking this to try to change your mind. I won’t fight my own weakness anymore. The storm has started, and I’ll calmly accept being swept up in it. But please, continue. This talk will only end when I have a better understanding of my future; at least that will bring me some satisfaction, and I won’t leave without it."
Why, on hearing these words, did Pleyel hesitate? Did some unlooked-for doubt insinuate itself into his mind? Was his belief suddenly shaken by my looks, or my words, or by some newly recollected circumstance? Whencesoever it arose, it could not endure the test of deliberation. In a few minutes the flame of resentment was again lighted up in his bosom. He proceeded with his accustomed vehemence—
Why did Pleyel hesitate when he heard those words? Did some unexpected doubt creep into his mind? Was his belief suddenly shaken by my expression, my words, or by some recently remembered event? However it came about, it couldn't withstand the scrutiny of reflection. Within a few minutes, the fire of resentment was reignited in him. He continued with his usual intensity—
"I hate myself for this folly. I can find no apology for this tale. Yet I am irresistibly impelled to relate it. She that hears me is apprized of every particular. I have only to repeat to her her own words. She will listen with a tranquil air, and the spectacle of her obduracy will drive me to some desperate act. Why then should I persist! yet persist I must."
"I hate myself for this foolishness. I can’t find any excuse for this story. Yet I feel an unshakable urge to tell it. The person listening to me knows every detail. I just have to remind her of her own words. She will listen calmly, and seeing her indifference will push me to do something extreme. So why should I keep going! But I have to keep going."
Again he paused. "No," said he, "it is impossible to repeat your avowals of love, your appeals to former confessions of your tenderness, to former deeds of dishonor, to the circumstances of the first interview that took place between you. It was on that night when I traced you to this recess. Thither had he enticed you, and there had you ratified an unhallowed compact by admitting him—
Again he paused. "No," he said, "it's impossible to repeat your declarations of love, your references to past confessions of your affection, to past actions of betrayal, to the details of the first meeting you had. It was that night when I found you in this hidden place. He had lured you here, and it was there that you confirmed an unholy agreement by allowing him—
"Great God! Thou witnessedst the agonies that tore my bosom at that moment! Thou witnessedst my efforts to repel the testimony of my ears! It was in vain that you dwelt upon the confusion which my unlooked-for summons excited in you; the tardiness with which a suitable excuse occurred to you; your resentment that my impertinent intrusion had put an end to that charming interview: A disappointment for which you endeavoured to compensate yourself, by the frequency and duration of subsequent meetings.
"Great God! You saw the pain that tore at my heart at that moment! You saw me trying to deny what I heard! It was useless for you to focus on the confusion my unexpected arrival caused you; the delay in coming up with a good excuse; your annoyance that my rude interruption ended that lovely conversation: A disappointment you tried to make up for with how often and how long we met afterward."
"In vain you dwelt upon incidents of which you only could be conscious; incidents that occurred on occasions on which none beside your own family were witnesses. In vain was your discourse characterized by peculiarities inimitable of sentiment and language. My conviction was effected only by an accumulation of the same tokens. I yielded not but to evidence which took away the power to withhold my faith.
"In vain did you dwell on events that only you were aware of; events that happened when only your family was around. Your conversation was filled with unique expressions and feelings that couldn’t be copied. My belief was shaped only by a build-up of the same signs. I didn’t give in except to proof that removed my ability to doubt."
"My sight was of no use to me. Beneath so thick an umbrage, the darkness was intense. Hearing was the only avenue to information, which the circumstances allowed to be open. I was couched within three feet of you. Why should I approach nearer? I could not contend with your betrayer. What could be the purpose of a contest? You stood in no need of a protector. What could I do, but retire from the spot overwhelmed with confusion and dismay? I sought my chamber, and endeavoured to regain my composure. The door of the house, which I found open, your subsequent entrance, closing, and fastening it, and going into your chamber, which had been thus long deserted, were only confirmations of the truth.
My vision was useless. Under such thick shadows, the darkness was intense. Hearing was the only way to gather information, which was all that was available to me. I was just three feet away from you. Why should I get any closer? I couldn't compete with your betrayer. What would be the point of the fight? You didn't need a protector. What else could I do but leave the spot, overwhelmed with confusion and distress? I went to my room, trying to regain my composure. The front door of the house was open, and when you came in, closed, and locked it, then went into your room, which had been empty for so long, it only confirmed the truth.
"Why should I paint the tempestuous fluctuation of my thoughts between grief and revenge, between rage and despair? Why should I repeat my vows of eternal implacability and persecution, and the speedy recantation of these vows?
"Why should I express the wild ups and downs of my thoughts between sadness and revenge, between anger and hopelessness? Why should I go over my promises of everlasting unforgivingness and pursuit, and the quick reversal of these promises?"
"I have said enough. You have dismissed me from a place in your esteem. What I think, and what I feel, is of no importance in your eyes. May the duty which I owe myself enable me to forget your existence. In a few minutes I go hence. Be the maker of your fortune, and may adversity instruct you in that wisdom, which education was unable to impart to you."
"I've said enough. You've pushed me out of your good graces. What I think and feel doesn't matter to you. I hope the pride I have in myself helps me forget you. In a few minutes, I'll be gone. Be in charge of your own fate, and may hardship teach you the lessons that education failed to give you."
Those were the last words which Pleyel uttered. He left the room, and my new emotions enabled me to witness his departure without any apparent loss of composure. As I sat alone, I ruminated on these incidents. Nothing was more evident than that I had taken an eternal leave of happiness. Life was a worthless thing, separate from that good which had now been wrested from me; yet the sentiment that now possessed me had no tendency to palsy my exertions, and overbear my strength. I noticed that the light was declining, and perceived the propriety of leaving this house. I placed myself again in the chaise, and returned slowly towards the city.
Those were the last words Pleyel spoke. He left the room, and my new feelings allowed me to watch him go without losing my composure. As I sat alone, I reflected on these events. It was clear that I had taken an irreversible leave from happiness. Life felt meaningless, apart from the good that had now been taken from me; yet the feelings I had didn’t weaken my determination or exhaust my strength. I noticed the light was fading and realized it was time to leave this house. I got back in the carriage and slowly made my way toward the city.
Chapter XV
Before I reached the city it was dusk. It was my purpose to spend the night at Mettingen. I was not solicitous, as long as I was attended by a faithful servant, to be there at an early hour. My exhausted strength required me to take some refreshment. With this view, and in order to pay respect to one whose affection for me was truly maternal, I stopped at Mrs. Baynton's. She was absent from home; but I had scarcely entered the house when one of her domestics presented me a letter. I opened and read as follows:
Before I got to the city, it was dusk. I planned to spend the night at Mettingen. I wasn't worried about the time, as long as I had a loyal servant with me. My tired body needed some rest. With that in mind, and to honor someone whose care for me was genuinely maternal, I stopped by Mrs. Baynton's house. She wasn't home, but as soon as I walked in, one of her staff handed me a letter. I opened it and read the following:
"To Clara Wieland,
"To Clara Wieland,"
"What shall I say to extenuate the misconduct of last night? It is my duty to repair it to the utmost of my power, but the only way in which it can be repaired, you will not, I fear, be prevailed on to adopt. It is by granting me an interview, at your own house, at eleven o'clock this night. I have no means of removing any fears that you may entertain of my designs, but my simple and solemn declarations. These, after what has passed between us, you may deem unworthy of confidence. I cannot help it. My folly and rashness has left me no other resource. I will be at your door by that hour. If you chuse to admit me to a conference, provided that conference has no witnesses, I will disclose to you particulars, the knowledge of which is of the utmost importance to your happiness. Farewell.
"What can I say to justify my behavior from last night? It's my responsibility to make things right as much as I can, but I’m afraid the only way to do that is something you won't consider. I’m asking for a meeting at your house tonight at eleven o'clock. I can't ease any fears you might have about my intentions, other than my sincere and serious words. After everything that’s happened between us, you might find those words hard to trust. I can’t change that. My foolishness has left me with no other option. I’ll be at your door by that time. If you choose to let me in for a private conversation, I will reveal important details that are crucial to your happiness. Goodbye."
"CARWIN."
"CARWIN."
What a letter was this! A man known to be an assassin and robber; one capable of plotting against my life and my fame; detected lurking in my chamber, and avowing designs the most flagitious and dreadful, now solicits me to grant him a midnight interview! To admit him alone into my presence! Could he make this request with the expectation of my compliance? What had he seen in me, that could justify him in admitting so wild a belief? Yet this request is preferred with the utmost gravity. It is not accompanied by an appearance of uncommon earnestness. Had the misconduct to which he alludes been a slight incivility, and the interview requested to take place in the midst of my friends, there would have been no extravagance in the tenor of this letter; but, as it was, the writer had surely been bereft of his reason.
What a letter this is! A man known to be an assassin and robber; someone capable of plotting against my life and reputation; caught lurking in my room, and openly confessing the most vile and horrifying intentions, now asks me to grant him a midnight meeting! To let him alone into my presence! Could he really make this request expecting me to say yes? What did he see in me that could justify such a crazy belief? Yet he makes this request with complete seriousness. There’s no hint of unusual urgency. If the misbehavior he refers to had been a minor rudeness, and the meeting requested to be among my friends, there wouldn’t have been anything outrageous about this letter; but, as it stands, the writer has clearly lost his mind.
I perused this epistle frequently. The request it contained might be called audacious or stupid, if it had been made by a different person; but from Carwin, who could not be unaware of the effect which it must naturally produce, and of the manner in which it would unavoidably be treated, it was perfectly inexplicable. He must have counted on the success of some plot, in order to extort my assent. None of those motives by which I am usually governed would ever have persuaded me to meet any one of his sex, at the time and place which he had prescribed. Much less would I consent to a meeting with a man, tainted with the most detestable crimes, and by whose arts my own safety had been so imminently endangered, and my happiness irretrievably destroyed. I shuddered at the idea that such a meeting was possible. I felt some reluctance to approach a spot which he still visited and haunted.
I read this letter often. The request it made might seem bold or foolish if it came from someone else; but coming from Carwin, who surely knew the impact it would have and how it would be handled, it was completely baffling. He must have relied on the success of some scheme to force my agreement. None of the reasons that usually drive me would ever convince me to meet anyone of his gender at the time and place he suggested. Even less would I agree to meet a man, stained by the most horrific crimes, who had put my safety at serious risk and ruined my happiness. I cringed at the thought that such a meeting could happen. I was uneasy about going near a place that he still frequented and lingered around.
Such were the ideas which first suggested themselves on the perusal of the letter. Meanwhile, I resumed my journey. My thoughts still dwelt upon the same topic. Gradually from ruminating on this epistle, I reverted to my interview with Pleyel. I recalled the particulars of the dialogue to which he had been an auditor. My heart sunk anew on viewing the inextricable complexity of this deception, and the inauspicious concurrence of events, which tended to confirm him in his error. When he approached my chamber door, my terror kept me mute. He put his ear, perhaps, to the crevice, but it caught the sound of nothing human. Had I called, or made any token that denoted some one to be within, words would have ensued; and as omnipresence was impossible, this discovery, and the artless narrative of what had just passed, would have saved me from his murderous invectives. He went into his chamber, and after some interval, I stole across the entry and down the stairs, with inaudible steps. Having secured the outer doors, I returned with less circumspection. He heard me not when I descended; but my returning steps were easily distinguished. Now he thought was the guilty interview at an end. In what other way was it possible for him to construe these signals?
Such were the ideas that first came to mind while reading the letter. In the meantime, I continued my journey. My thoughts were still focused on the same topic. Gradually, as I reflected on this letter, I returned to my conversation with Pleyel. I remembered the details of the dialogue in which he had been a listener. My heart sank again at the complicated nature of this deception and the unfortunate timing of events that seemed to reinforce his misunderstanding. When he approached my room, my fear left me speechless. He likely pressed his ear to the crack in the door, but he heard nothing human. If I had called out or made any sign that indicated someone was inside, words would have followed; and since omnipresence was impossible, this revelation, along with the simple account of what had just happened, would have saved me from his wrathful accusations. He went into his room, and after a while, I quietly slipped across the hallway and down the stairs, stepping quietly. After securing the outer doors, I returned with less caution. He didn't hear me when I went down; but my footsteps as I came back were unmistakable. Now he must have thought that the guilty meeting was over. How else could he interpret these signs?
How fallacious and precipitate was my decision! Carwin's plot owed its success to a coincidence of events scarcely credible. The balance was swayed from its equipoise by a hair. Had I even begun the conversation with an account of what befel me in my chamber, my previous interview with Wieland would have taught him to suspect me of imposture; yet, if I were discoursing with this ruffian, when Pleyel touched the lock of my chamber door, and when he shut his own door with so much violence, how, he might ask, should I be able to relate these incidents? Perhaps he had withheld the knowledge of these circumstances from my brother, from whom, therefore, I could not obtain it, so that my innocence would have thus been irresistibly demonstrated.
How misguided and hasty was my decision! Carwin's plan succeeded due to a series of events that are almost unbelievable. The balance tipped so slightly. If I had even started the conversation by explaining what happened to me in my room, my earlier meeting with Wieland would have made him suspect I was a fraud; yet, if I was talking to this thug when Pleyel touched the lock of my room door, and when he shut his own door so violently, how, he might wonder, could I explain these events? Perhaps he kept this information hidden from my brother, so I couldn’t find out, which would have clearly shown my innocence.
The first impulse which flowed from these ideas was to return upon my steps, and demand once more an interview; but he was gone: his parting declarations were remembered.
The first urge I felt from these thoughts was to go back and ask for another meeting; but he was gone: his farewell words came back to me.
Pleyel, I exclaimed, thou art gone for ever! Are thy mistakes beyond the reach of detection? Am I helpless in the midst of this snare? The plotter is at hand. He even speaks in the style of penitence. He solicits an interview which he promises shall end in the disclosure of something momentous to my happiness. What can he say which will avail to turn aside this evil? But why should his remorse be feigned? I have done him no injury. His wickedness is fertile only of despair; and the billows of remorse will some time overbear him. Why may not this event have already taken place? Why should I refuse to see him?
Pleyel, I shouted, you’re gone forever! Are your mistakes beyond detection? Am I helpless in this trap? The schemer is here. He even speaks as if he’s repentant. He’s asking for a meeting and promises it will end with some important news for my happiness. What could he possibly say that would change this situation? But why should his remorse be fake? I haven’t hurt him. His evil only leads to despair, and the waves of regret will eventually overwhelm him. What if this has already happened? Why shouldn’t I agree to see him?
This idea was present, as it were, for a moment. I suddenly recoiled from it, confounded at that frenzy which could give even momentary harbour to such a scheme; yet presently it returned. At length I even conceived it to deserve deliberation. I questioned whether it was not proper to admit, at a lonely spot, in a sacred hour, this man of tremendous and inscrutable attributes, this performer of horrid deeds, and whose presence was predicted to call down unheard-of and unutterable horrors.
This idea was there for just a moment. I suddenly pulled back from it, shocked that such madness could even briefly take root; yet soon it came back to me. Eventually, I even thought it was worth considering. I wondered if it was appropriate to welcome, in a secluded place and in a sacred moment, this man with shocking and mysterious qualities, this doer of terrible acts, whose presence was said to bring about unimaginable and ineffable horrors.
What was it that swayed me? I felt myself divested of the power to will contrary to the motives that determined me to seek his presence. My mind seemed to be split into separate parts, and these parts to have entered into furious and implacable contention. These tumults gradually subsided. The reasons why I should confide in that interposition which had hitherto defended me; in those tokens of compunction which this letter contained; in the efficacy of this interview to restore its spotlessness to my character, and banish all illusions from the mind of my friend, continually acquired new evidence and new strength.
What was it that influenced me? I felt stripped of the ability to choose differently from the reasons that drove me to seek him out. My mind seemed to be divided into separate parts, and these parts were locked in a fierce and unyielding struggle. These conflicts gradually settled down. The reasons for trusting in that intervention that had protected me until now; in those signs of remorse contained in this letter; in the effectiveness of this meeting to restore the purity of my character and clear all misconceptions from my friend’s mind, continually gained more proof and strength.
What should I fear in his presence? This was unlike an artifice intended to betray me into his hands. If it were an artifice, what purpose would it serve? The freedom of my mind was untouched, and that freedom would defy the assaults of blandishments or magic. Force was I not able to repel. On the former occasion my courage, it is true, had failed at the imminent approach of danger; but then I had not enjoyed opportunities of deliberation; I had foreseen nothing; I was sunk into imbecility by my previous thoughts; I had been the victim of recent disappointments and anticipated ills: Witness my infatuation in opening the closet in opposition to divine injunctions.
What should I be afraid of in his presence? This doesn’t feel like a trick meant to lead me into his control. If it were a trick, what would be the point? My mind was still free, and that freedom would resist any temptations or magic. I couldn’t push back against force. It’s true that in the past, my courage had faltered when danger was close; but back then, I hadn’t had the time to think it over, I hadn’t seen it coming; I was overwhelmed by my previous thoughts; I had been a victim of recent setbacks and worries about what might happen: Just look at my foolishness in opening the closet despite divine warnings.
Now, perhaps, my courage was the offspring of a no less erring principle. Pleyel was for ever lost to me. I strove in vain to assume his person, and suppress my resentment; I strove in vain to believe in the assuaging influence of time, to look forward to the birth-day of new hopes, and the re-exaltation of that luminary, of whose effulgencies I had so long and so liberally partaken.
Now, maybe my courage came from a similarly misguided idea. Pleyel was forever gone from my life. I tried unsuccessfully to take on his identity and suppress my anger; I tried in vain to trust that time would heal, to anticipate the arrival of new hopes, and the return of that bright star, whose light I had enjoyed for so long and so generously.
What had I to suffer worse than was already inflicted?
What more could I have to suffer than what's already been done to me?
Was not Carwin my foe? I owed my untimely fate to his treason. Instead of flying from his presence, ought I not to devote all my faculties to the gaining of an interview, and compel him to repair the ills of which he has been the author? Why should I suppose him impregnable to argument? Have I not reason on my side, and the power of imparting conviction? Cannot he be made to see the justice of unravelling the maze in which Pleyel is bewildered?
Wasn't Carwin my enemy? I owed my unfortunate fate to his betrayal. Instead of running away from him, shouldn’t I dedicate all my efforts to arranging a meeting and force him to fix the harm he’s caused? Why should I think he can't be swayed by reason? Don’t I have the logic on my side, along with the ability to persuade? Can't he be made to understand the fairness of clearing up the confusion that Pleyel is trapped in?
He may, at least, be accessible to fear. Has he nothing to fear from the rage of an injured woman? But suppose him inaccessible to such inducements; suppose him to persist in all his flagitious purposes; are not the means of defence and resistance in my power?
He might at least be influenced by fear. Does he have nothing to fear from the anger of an injured woman? But what if he is immune to such appeals; what if he continues with all his wicked plans; do I not have the ability to defend myself and resist?
In the progress of such thoughts, was the resolution at last formed. I hoped that the interview was sought by him for a laudable end; but, be that as it would, I trusted that, by energy of reasoning or of action, I should render it auspicious, or, at least, harmless.
In the course of these thoughts, I finally made a decision. I hoped he wanted to meet for a good reason; but regardless of that, I believed that through strong reasoning or action, I could make it positive, or at least, not harmful.
Such a determination must unavoidably fluctuate. The poet's chaos was no unapt emblem of the state of my mind. A torment was awakened in my bosom, which I foresaw would end only when this interview was past, and its consequences fully experienced. Hence my impatience for the arrival of the hour which had been prescribed by Carwin.
Such a decision is bound to change. The poet's chaos was a fitting symbol of my state of mind. A torment arose in my chest, which I knew would only end once this meeting was over and its consequences were fully felt. That's why I was so impatient for the hour that Carwin had set.
Meanwhile, my meditations were tumultuously active. New impediments to the execution of the scheme were speedily suggested. I had apprized Catharine of my intention to spend this and many future nights with her. Her husband was informed of this arrangement, and had zealously approved it. Eleven o'clock exceeded their hour of retiring. What excuse should I form for changing my plan? Should I shew this letter to Wieland, and submit myself to his direction? But I knew in what way he would decide. He would fervently dissuade me from going. Nay, would he not do more? He was apprized of the offences of Carwin, and of the reward offered for his apprehension. Would he not seize this opportunity of executing justice on a criminal?
Meanwhile, my thoughts were racing. New obstacles to carrying out the plan quickly came to mind. I had told Catharine that I intended to spend this and many future nights with her. Her husband knew about this arrangement and had eagerly approved it. Eleven o'clock was past their bedtime. What excuse should I come up with for changing my plans? Should I show this letter to Wieland and let him decide for me? But I already knew how he would respond. He would strongly advise me against going. In fact, wouldn't he do even more? He was aware of Carwin's offenses and the reward offered for his capture. Wouldn't he see this as an opportunity to serve justice on a criminal?
This idea was new. I was plunged once more into doubt. Did not equity enjoin me thus to facilitate his arrest? No. I disdained the office of betrayer. Carwin was unapprized of his danger, and his intentions were possibly beneficent. Should I station guards about the house, and make an act, intended perhaps for my benefit, instrumental to his own destruction? Wieland might be justified in thus employing the knowledge which I should impart, but I, by imparting it, should pollute myself with more hateful crimes than those undeservedly imputed to me. This scheme, therefore, I unhesitatingly rejected. The views with which I should return to my own house, it would therefore be necessary to conceal. Yet some pretext must be invented. I had never been initiated into the trade of lying. Yet what but falshood was a deliberate suppression of the truth? To deceive by silence or by words is the same.
This idea was new. I was once again filled with doubt. Didn’t fairness compel me to help arrest him? No. I refused to be a traitor. Carwin didn’t know he was in danger, and his intentions might actually be good. Should I put guards around the house and turn an action that might benefit me into one that leads to his destruction? Wieland might justify using the information I would share, but by sharing it, I would taint myself with even worse crimes than those I hadn’t committed. So, I firmly rejected this plan. I would need to hide the reasons for returning to my own house. Still, I had to come up with some excuse. I had never been skilled at lying. But isn’t withholding the truth just another form of deceit? Deceiving through silence or through words is the same thing.
Yet what would a lie avail me? What pretext would justify this change in my plan? Would it not tend to confirm the imputations of Pleyel? That I should voluntarily return to an house in which honor and life had so lately been endangered, could be explained in no way favorable to my integrity.
Yet what good would a lie do me? What excuse would justify this change in my plans? Wouldn't it just support Pleyel's accusations? That I would willingly go back to a house where my honor and life had recently been at risk could not be explained in any way that would reflect well on my integrity.
These reflections, if they did not change, at least suspended my decision. In this state of uncertainty I alighted at the HUT. We gave this name to the house tenanted by the farmer and his servants, and which was situated on the verge of my brother's ground, and at a considerable distance from the mansion. The path to the mansion was planted by a double row of walnuts. Along this path I proceeded alone. I entered the parlour, in which was a light just expiring in the socket. There was no one in the room. I perceived by the clock that stood against the wall, that it was near eleven. The lateness of the hour startled me. What had become of the family? They were usually retired an hour before this; but the unextinguished taper, and the unbarred door were indications that they had not retired. I again returned to the hall, and passed from one room to another, but still encountered not a human being.
These thoughts, while they didn’t change, at least put my decision on hold. In this uncertain state, I arrived at the HUT. We called the house where the farmer and his workers lived the HUT, and it was located on the edge of my brother's land, quite far from the main house. The path leading to the mansion was lined with a double row of walnut trees. I walked along this path by myself. I entered the parlor, where a light was just fading in its holder. There was no one in the room. I noticed by the clock on the wall that it was nearly eleven. The late hour surprised me. Where was the family? They usually went to bed an hour earlier; however, the unextinguished candle and the unlocked door suggested they hadn’t turned in yet. I went back to the hall and moved from one room to another, but still didn’t find anyone.
I imagined that, perhaps, the lapse of a few minutes would explain these appearances. Meanwhile I reflected that the preconcerted hour had arrived. Carwin was perhaps waiting my approach. Should I immediately retire to my own house, no one would be apprized of my proceeding. Nay, the interview might pass, and I be enabled to return in half an hour. Hence no necessity would arise for dissimulation.
I thought that maybe a few minutes would clear up what I was seeing. In the meantime, I realized that the agreed-upon time had come. Carwin might be waiting for me. If I went back to my house right away, no one would know what I was up to. In fact, the meeting could happen, and I could be back in half an hour. So, there would be no need for any deception.
I was so far influenced by these views that I rose to execute this design; but again the unusual condition of the house occurred to me, and some vague solicitude as to the condition of the family. I was nearly certain that my brother had not retired; but by what motives he could be induced to desert his house thus unseasonably I could by no means divine. Louisa Conway, at least, was at home and had, probably, retired to her chamber; perhaps she was able to impart the information I wanted.
I was so influenced by these thoughts that I got up to carry out my plan; but then the strange situation in the house came to mind, along with some vague concern about the family's state. I was almost sure my brother hadn’t gone to bed; but I couldn’t figure out what could make him leave his house at such an odd hour. Louisa Conway, at least, was home and had probably gone to her room; maybe she could provide the information I needed.
I went to her chamber, and found her asleep. She was delighted and surprized at my arrival, and told me with how much impatience and anxiety my brother and his wife had waited my coming. They were fearful that some mishap had befallen me, and had remained up longer than the usual period. Notwithstanding the lateness of the hour, Catharine would not resign the hope of seeing me. Louisa said she had left them both in the parlour, and she knew of no cause for their absence.
I went to her room and found her asleep. She was excited and surprised by my arrival and told me how anxiously my brother and his wife had been waiting for me. They were worried that something might have happened to me and had stayed up later than usual. Even though it was late, Catharine wouldn't give up hope of seeing me. Louisa said she had left them both in the living room, and she didn't know why they were absent.
As yet I was not without solicitude on account of their personal safety. I was far from being perfectly at ease on that head, but entertained no distinct conception of the danger that impended over them. Perhaps to beguile the moments of my long protracted stay, they had gone to walk upon the bank. The atmosphere, though illuminated only by the star-light, was remarkably serene. Meanwhile the desirableness of an interview with Carwin again returned, and I finally resolved to seek it.
I still felt anxious about their safety. I wasn't completely at ease regarding that, but I didn't have a clear idea of the danger they were in. Maybe to pass the time during my extended wait, they went for a walk by the bank. The atmosphere, although only lit by starlight, was incredibly peaceful. In the meantime, the desire to talk to Carwin came back to me, and I ultimately decided to go find him.
I passed with doubting and hasty steps along the path. My dwelling, seen at a distance, was gloomy and desolate. It had no inhabitant, for my servant, in consequence of my new arrangement, had gone to Mettingen. The temerity of this attempt began to shew itself in more vivid colours to my understanding. Whoever has pointed steel is not without arms; yet what must have been the state of my mind when I could meditate, without shuddering, on the use of a murderous weapon, and believe myself secure merely because I was capable of being made so by the death of another? Yet this was not my state. I felt as if I was rushing into deadly toils, without the power of pausing or receding.
I walked along the path with uncertainty and quick steps. My home, seen from afar, looked dark and empty. There was no one living there, as my servant had gone to Mettingen because of my new arrangement. The boldness of this attempt was becoming clearer to me. Anyone with a blade isn't defenseless; still, what must my mindset have been when I could think about using a deadly weapon without flinching, convinced I was safe just because I could achieve safety through someone else's death? But that wasn't how I felt. I felt like I was diving into a deadly trap, unable to stop or turn back.
Chapter XVI
As soon as I arrived in sight of the front of the house, my attention was excited by a light from the window of my own chamber. No appearance could be less explicable. A meeting was expected with Carwin, but that he pre-occupied my chamber, and had supplied himself with light, was not to be believed. What motive could influence him to adopt this conduct? Could I proceed until this was explained? Perhaps, if I should proceed to a distance in front, some one would be visible. A sidelong but feeble beam from the window, fell upon the piny copse which skirted the bank. As I eyed it, it suddenly became mutable, and after flitting to and fro, for a short time, it vanished. I turned my eye again toward the window, and perceived that the light was still there; but the change which I had noticed was occasioned by a change in the position of the lamp or candle within. Hence, that some person was there was an unavoidable inference.
As soon as I came into view of the front of the house, I noticed a light coming from the window of my room. It was completely puzzling. I was supposed to meet Carwin, but it was hard to believe he was in my room and had managed to light it. What reason could he have for doing that? Could I really move forward without figuring this out? Maybe if I went a bit farther ahead, I could see someone. A weak beam from the window fell on the nearby piney thicket. As I watched it, the light suddenly flickered, darting around for a moment before disappearing. I looked back at the window and saw that the light was still there; the change I noticed must have been due to the lamp or candle inside being moved. So, it was clear that someone was definitely there.
I paused to deliberate on the propriety of advancing. Might I not advance cautiously, and, therefore, without danger? Might I not knock at the door, or call, and be apprized of the nature of my visitant before I entered? I approached and listened at the door, but could hear nothing. I knocked at first timidly, but afterwards with loudness. My signals were unnoticed. I stepped back and looked, but the light was no longer discernible. Was it suddenly extinguished by a human agent? What purpose but concealment was intended? Why was the illumination produced, to be thus suddenly brought to an end? And why, since some one was there, had silence been observed?
I stopped to think about whether I should go in. Could I not enter carefully, and thus safely? Could I not knock at the door or call out and find out who was there before entering? I got closer and listened at the door, but I couldn't hear anything. I knocked softly at first, then more loudly. My attempts went ignored. I stepped back and looked, but the light was no longer visible. Had someone suddenly turned it off? What could the intention have been, if not to hide? Why was the light turned on just to be turned off so abruptly? And why, if someone was inside, was there complete silence?
These were questions, the solution of which may be readily supposed to be entangled with danger. Would not this danger, when measured by a woman's fears, expand into gigantic dimensions? Menaces of death; the stunning exertions of a warning voice; the known and unknown attributes of Carwin; our recent interview in this chamber; the pre-appointment of a meeting at this place and hour, all thronged into my memory. What was to be done?
These were questions that could easily be seen as risky. Wouldn't that risk, when viewed through a woman's fears, grow to enormous proportions? Threats of death, the overwhelming force of a warning voice, the known and unknown traits of Carwin, our recent meeting in this room, the scheduled appointment for a meeting at this time and place—all of these flooded my mind. What was I supposed to do?
Courage is no definite or stedfast principle. Let that man who shall purpose to assign motives to the actions of another, blush at his folly and forbear. Not more presumptuous would it be to attempt the classification of all nature, and the scanning of supreme intelligence. I gazed for a minute at the window, and fixed my eyes, for a second minute, on the ground. I drew forth from my pocket, and opened, a penknife. This, said I, be my safe-guard and avenger. The assailant shall perish, or myself shall fall. I had locked up the house in the morning, but had the key of the kitchen door in my pocket. I, therefore, determined to gain access behind. Thither I hastened, unlocked and entered. All was lonely, darksome, and waste. Familiar as I was with every part of my dwelling, I easily found my way to a closet, drew forth a taper, a flint, tinder, and steel, and, in a moment as it were, gave myself the guidance and protection of light.
Courage isn’t a fixed or determined principle. Anyone who tries to figure out the reasons behind someone else's actions should be embarrassed by their foolishness and hold back. It would be just as arrogant to try to categorize all of nature or to analyze supreme intelligence. I stared out the window for a minute, then looked down at the ground for another minute. I pulled a pocket knife from my pocket and opened it. “This,” I said, “will be my protection and my way of getting back.” The attacker will perish, or I will fall. I had locked the house earlier that morning but still had the kitchen door key in my pocket. So, I decided to go in through the back. I hurried there, unlocked the door, and stepped inside. Everything was empty, dark, and desolate. Even though I knew every corner of my home well, I quickly found my way to a closet, took out a candle, flint, tinder, and steel, and, in no time, gave myself the guidance and protection of light.
What purpose did I meditate? Should I explore my way to my chamber, and confront the being who had dared to intrude into this recess, and had laboured for concealment? By putting out the light did he seek to hide himself, or mean only to circumvent my incautious steps? Yet was it not more probable that he desired my absence by thus encouraging the supposition that the house was unoccupied? I would see this man in spite of all impediments; ere I died, I would see his face, and summon him to penitence and retribution; no matter at what cost an interview was purchased. Reputation and life might be wrested from me by another, but my rectitude and honor were in my own keeping, and were safe.
What was I thinking? Should I make my way to my room and confront the person who had intruded into this space and worked hard to hide? By turning off the light, was he trying to conceal himself, or was he just aiming to avoid my careless steps? But wasn’t it more likely that he wanted me to stay away by making it seem like the house was empty? I was determined to see this man, no matter the obstacles; before I died, I would see his face and demand that he repent and be punished; it didn’t matter what the cost of that meeting would be. Others might take my reputation and life away, but my integrity and honor were mine to protect, and they were safe.
I proceeded to the foot of the stairs. At such a crisis my thoughts may be supposed at no liberty to range; yet vague images rushed into my mind, of the mysterious interposition which had been experienced on the last night. My case, at present, was not dissimilar; and, if my angel were not weary of fruitless exertions to save, might not a new warning be expected? Who could say whether his silence were ascribable to the absence of danger, or to his own absence?
I went to the bottom of the stairs. In a moment like this, my mind shouldn't have been wandering, but blurry images flashed across my thoughts of the strange interference I had experienced the night before. My situation now wasn't too different; and if my guardian angel wasn't tired of trying to help, could I expect another warning? Who could tell if his silence meant there was no danger or if he wasn't present?
In this state of mind, no wonder that a shivering cold crept through my veins; that my pause was prolonged; and, that a fearful glance was thrown backward.
In this frame of mind, it's no surprise that a chilling cold ran through my veins; that I hesitated for a long time; and that I shot a scared glance back.
Alas! my heart droops, and my fingers are enervated; my ideas are vivid, but my language is faint: now know I what it is to entertain incommunicable sentiments. The chain of subsequent incidents is drawn through my mind, and being linked with those which forewent, by turns rouse up agonies and sink me into hopelessness.
Alas! My heart is heavy, and my fingers feel weak; my thoughts are clear, but my words are lacking: now I understand what it’s like to have feelings I can’t express. The series of events that follow runs through my mind, and connected to those that came before, they alternately bring me pain and plunge me into despair.
Yet I will persist to the end. My narrative may be invaded by inaccuracy and confusion; but if I live no longer, I will, at least, live to complete it. What but ambiguities, abruptnesses, and dark transitions, can be expected from the historian who is, at the same time, the sufferer of these disasters?
Yet I will keep going until the end. My story might be filled with inaccuracies and confusion, but if I don't live much longer, I will at least finish it. What can you expect from the historian who is also the one experiencing these disasters, except for ambiguities, abrupt changes, and unclear transitions?
I have said that I cast a look behind. Some object was expected to be seen, or why should I have gazed in that direction? Two senses were at once assailed. The same piercing exclamation of HOLD! HOLD! was uttered within the same distance of my ear. This it was that I heard. The airy undulation, and the shock given to my nerves, were real. Whether the spectacle which I beheld existed in my fancy or without, might be doubted. I had not closed the door of the apartment I had just left. The stair-case, at the foot of which I stood, was eight or ten feet from the door, and attached to the wall through which the door led. My view, therefore, was sidelong, and took in no part of the room.
I mentioned that I looked back. Something was supposed to be there, or why would I have glanced that way? Two senses were hit at once. I heard the same urgent shout of “STOP! STOP!” close to my ear. That’s what I heard. The light movement in the air and the jolt to my nerves felt real. It was questionable whether what I saw was in my imagination or actually there. I hadn’t shut the door of the room I just left. The staircase, where I stood, was eight or ten feet from the door and was attached to the wall the door opened onto. So, my view was sideways, and I couldn’t see any part of the room.
Through this aperture was an head thrust and drawn back with so much swiftness, that the immediate conviction was, that thus much of a form, ordinarily invisible, had been unshrowded. The face was turned towards me. Every muscle was tense; the forehead and brows were drawn into vehement expression; the lips were stretched as in the act of shrieking, and the eyes emitted sparks, which, no doubt, if I had been unattended by a light, would have illuminated like the coruscations of a meteor. The sound and the vision were present, and departed together at the same instant; but the cry was blown into my ear, while the face was many paces distant.
Through this opening, a head quickly emerged and then pulled back so fast that it felt like this part of a form, usually invisible, had been revealed. The face was facing me. Every muscle was tense; the forehead and brows were pulled into a strong expression; the lips were stretched as if about to scream, and the eyes sparked, which, without any light, would have shone like meteor trails. The sound and the sight appeared and faded away at the same moment; however, the cry echoed in my ear even while the face was far away.
This face was well suited to a being whose performances exceeded the standard of humanity, and yet its features were akin to those I had before seen. The image of Carwin was blended in a thousand ways with the stream of my thoughts. This visage was, perhaps, pourtrayed by my fancy. If so, it will excite no surprize that some of his lineaments were now discovered. Yet affinities were few and unconspicuous, and were lost amidst the blaze of opposite qualities.
This face was perfect for someone whose abilities went beyond what was typical for humans, yet its features resembled those I had seen before. The image of Carwin mixed in countless ways with my thoughts. This appearance was maybe created by my imagination. If that’s the case, it’s not surprising that some of his characteristics were now visible. Still, there were only a few subtle similarities, and they were overwhelmed by a host of contrasting traits.
What conclusion could I form? Be the face human or not, the intimation was imparted from above. Experience had evinced the benignity of that being who gave it. Once he had interposed to shield me from harm, and subsequent events demonstrated the usefulness of that interposition. Now was I again warned to forbear. I was hurrying to the verge of the same gulf, and the same power was exerted to recall my steps. Was it possible for me not to obey? Was I capable of holding on in the same perilous career? Yes. Even of this I was capable!
What conclusion could I reach? Whether the face was human or not, the message came from above. My experiences had shown the kindness of the being who sent it. This entity had once stepped in to protect me from danger, and later events revealed the value of that intervention. Now I was being warned once again to hold back. I was rushing toward the edge of the same abyss, and the same force was trying to pull me back. Could I really ignore it? Was I able to continue on this risky path? Yes. Even I was capable of that!
The intimation was imperfect: it gave no form to my danger, and prescribed no limits to my caution. I had formerly neglected it, and yet escaped. Might I not trust to the same issue? This idea might possess, though imperceptibly, some influence. I persisted; but it was not merely on this account. I cannot delineate the motives that led me on. I now speak as if no remnant of doubt existed in my mind as to the supernal origin of these sounds; but this is owing to the imperfection of my language, for I only mean that the belief was more permanent, and visited more frequently my sober meditations than its opposite. The immediate effects served only to undermine the foundations of my judgment and precipitate my resolutions.
The warning was vague: it didn’t clearly outline my danger or define how careful I should be. I had ignored it before and still got away fine. Could I count on the same outcome again? This thought might have, even if I didn’t realize it, some effect on me. I kept going, but it wasn’t just because of this. I can’t really express all the reasons that pushed me forward. I’m speaking now as if I had no lingering doubt about the otherworldly source of these sounds; however, that’s due to my limited ability to express myself. I only mean that the belief stuck with me longer and appeared more often in my clear thoughts than the alternative. The immediate effects only served to weaken my judgment and hasten my decisions.
I must either advance or return. I chose the former, and began to ascend the stairs. The silence underwent no second interruption. My chamber door was closed, but unlocked, and, aided by vehement efforts of my courage, I opened and looked in.
I had to either move forward or go back. I chose to move forward and started to climb the stairs. The silence was not interrupted again. My bedroom door was closed but unlocked, and, with a strong push of my courage, I opened it and peeked inside.
No hideous or uncommon object was discernible. The danger, indeed, might easily have lurked out of sight, have sprung upon me as I entered, and have rent me with his iron talons; but I was blind to this fate, and advanced, though cautiously, into the room.
No ugly or strange object was visible. The danger could easily have been hiding out of sight, ready to spring on me as I entered and tear me apart with its iron claws; but I was oblivious to this fate and moved forward, though carefully, into the room.
Still every thing wore its accustomed aspect. Neither lamp nor candle was to be found. Now, for the first time, suspicions were suggested as to the nature of the light which I had seen. Was it possible to have been the companion of that supernatural visage; a meteorous refulgence producible at the will of him to whom that visage belonged, and partaking of the nature of that which accompanied my father's death?
Still, everything looked the same as usual. There wasn’t a lamp or candle in sight. For the first time, doubts arose about the kind of light I had seen. Could it have been linked to that supernatural face; a glowing phenomenon created at the will of the person to whom that face belonged, and somehow related to what surrounded my father’s death?
The closet was near, and I remembered the complicated horrors of which it had been productive. Here, perhaps, was inclosed the source of my peril, and the gratification of my curiosity. Should I adventure once more to explore its recesses? This was a resolution not easily formed. I was suspended in thought: when glancing my eye on a table, I perceived a written paper. Carwin's hand was instantly recognized, and snatching up the paper, I read as follows:—
The closet was nearby, and I recalled the complicated fears it had caused. Here, perhaps, was the source of my danger and the chance to satisfy my curiosity. Should I dare to explore its depths again? This was not an easy decision to make. I was lost in thought when I glanced at a table and noticed a piece of written paper. I immediately recognized Carwin's handwriting, and grabbing the paper, I read the following:—
"There was folly in expecting your compliance with my invitation. Judge how I was disappointed in finding another in your place. I have waited, but to wait any longer would be perilous. I shall still seek an interview, but it must be at a different time and place: meanwhile, I will write this—How will you bear—How inexplicable will be this transaction!—An event so unexpected—a sight so horrible!"
"There was foolishness in thinking you would accept my invitation. Imagine my disappointment when I found someone else in your place. I've waited, but waiting any longer would be dangerous. I will still seek a meeting, but it has to be at a different time and place: in the meantime, I will write this—How will you handle—How unexplainable will this situation be!—An event so unexpected—a sight so terrible!"
Such was this abrupt and unsatisfactory script. The ink was yet moist, the hand was that of Carwin. Hence it was to be inferred that he had this moment left the apartment, or was still in it. I looked back, on the sudden expectation of seeing him behind me.
Such was this sudden and unsatisfying note. The ink was still wet, and it was written by Carwin. So, it could be inferred that he had just left the room or was still inside it. I glanced back, suddenly expecting to see him behind me.
What other did he mean? What transaction had taken place adverse to my expectations? What sight was about to be exhibited? I looked around me once more, but saw nothing which indicated strangeness. Again I remembered the closet, and was resolved to seek in that the solution of these mysteries. Here, perhaps, was inclosed the scene destined to awaken my horrors and baffle my foresight.
What else could he mean? What was happening that went against what I expected? What was about to be revealed? I looked around again, but saw nothing unusual. Then I thought of the closet and decided to look there for answers to these mysteries. Maybe that was where the scene awaited that would trigger my fears and catch me off guard.
I have already said, that the entrance into this closet was beside my bed, which, on two sides, was closely shrowded by curtains. On that side nearest the closet, the curtain was raised. As I passed along I cast my eye thither. I started, and looked again. I bore a light in my hand, and brought it nearer my eyes, in order to dispel any illusive mists that might have hovered before them. Once more I fixed my eyes upon the bed, in hope that this more stedfast scrutiny would annihilate the object which before seemed to be there.
I’ve already mentioned that the entrance to this closet was next to my bed, which was covered by curtains on two sides. The curtain closest to the closet was pulled back. As I walked by, I glanced over there. I was startled and looked again. I held a light in my hand and brought it closer to my eyes to clear away any illusions that might be clouding my vision. Once more, I focused on the bed, hoping that this more careful look would get rid of the object that had seemed to be there before.
This then was the sight which Carwin had predicted! This was the event which my understanding was to find inexplicable! This was the fate which had been reserved for me, but which, by some untoward chance, had befallen on another!
This was the scene that Carwin had predicted! This was the situation that I was meant to find hard to understand! This was the destiny that was intended for me, but which, due to some unfortunate twist of fate, had happened to someone else!
I had not been terrified by empty menaces. Violation and death awaited my entrance into this chamber. Some inscrutable chance had led HER hither before me, and the merciless fangs of which I was designed to be the prey, had mistaken their victim, and had fixed themselves in HER heart. But where was my safety? Was the mischief exhausted or flown? The steps of the assassin had just been here; they could not be far off; in a moment he would rush into my presence, and I should perish under the same polluting and suffocating grasp!
I hadn’t been scared by empty threats. Violation and death awaited me as I entered this room. Some mysterious chance had brought HER here before me, and the merciless fangs that were meant for me had mistaken their target, embedding themselves in HER heart. But where was my safety? Had the danger run its course or disappeared? The assassin had just been here; they couldn’t be far away; any moment now, he would burst in, and I would perish under the same tainted and suffocating grip!
My frame shook, and my knees were unable to support me. I gazed alternately at the closet door and at the door of my room. At one of these avenues would enter the exterminator of my honor and my life. I was prepared for defence; but now that danger was imminent, my means of defence, and my power to use them were gone. I was not qualified, by education and experience, to encounter perils like these: or, perhaps, I was powerless because I was again assaulted by surprize, and had not fortified my mind by foresight and previous reflection against a scene like this.
My body shook, and my knees couldn't hold me up. I kept glancing between the closet door and my bedroom door. One of those doors would bring in the killer of my dignity and my life. I was ready to defend myself, but now that the danger was here, my defenses and my ability to use them were gone. I wasn’t equipped, by education or experience, to face dangers like this; or maybe I was just overwhelmed because I was caught off guard again and hadn’t prepared my mind in advance for something like this.
Fears for my own safety again yielded place to reflections on the scene before me. I fixed my eyes upon her countenance. My sister's well-known and beloved features could not be concealed by convulsion or lividness. What direful illusion led thee hither? Bereft of thee, what hold on happiness remains to thy offspring and thy spouse? To lose thee by a common fate would have been sufficiently hard; but thus suddenly to perish—to become the prey of this ghastly death! How will a spectacle like this be endured by Wieland? To die beneath his grasp would not satisfy thy enemy. This was mercy to the evils which he previously made thee suffer! After these evils death was a boon which thou besoughtest him to grant. He entertained no enmity against thee: I was the object of his treason; but by some tremendous mistake his fury was misplaced. But how comest thou hither? and where was Wieland in thy hour of distress?
Fears for my own safety gave way to thoughts about the scene in front of me. I focused on her face. My sister's familiar and beloved features couldn't be hidden by her convulsions or paleness. What terrible illusion brought you here? Without you, what hope for happiness is left for your children and your husband? Losing you to a common fate would have been hard enough, but to perish so suddenly—to become a victim of this horrific death! How will Wieland handle seeing something like this? Dying at his hands wouldn't be enough for your enemy. This was mercy compared to the suffering he had already caused you! After all this suffering, death was a blessing you begged him to give you. He held no hatred towards you; I was the target of his betrayal, but through some dreadful mistake, his rage was directed at you. But how did you end up here? And where was Wieland in your time of need?
I approached the corpse: I lifted the still flexible hand, and kissed the lips which were breathless. Her flowing drapery was discomposed. I restored it to order, and seating myself on the bed, again fixed stedfast eyes upon her countenance. I cannot distinctly recollect the ruminations of that moment. I saw confusedly, but forcibly, that every hope was extinguished with the life of CATHARINE. All happiness and dignity must henceforth be banished from the house and name of Wieland: all that remained was to linger out in agonies a short existence; and leave to the world a monument of blasted hopes and changeable fortune. Pleyel was already lost to me; yet, while Catharine lived life was not a detestable possession: but now, severed from the companion of my infancy, the partaker of all my thoughts, my cares, and my wishes, I was like one set afloat upon a stormy sea, and hanging his safety upon a plank; night was closing upon him, and an unexpected surge had torn him from his hold and overwhelmed him forever.
I approached the body: I lifted the still flexible hand and kissed the breathless lips. Her flowing dress was disheveled. I restored it to order, and sitting on the bed, I again fixed my steady gaze on her face. I can't clearly remember what I was thinking at that moment. I saw, though confusedly, that all hope had died with CATHARINE. All happiness and dignity would now be banished from the house and name of Wieland: all that was left was to suffer through a short existence, leaving behind a reminder of shattered hopes and unpredictable fortune. Pleyel was already lost to me; yet while Catharine was alive, life didn’t feel entirely unbearable: but now, separated from the companion of my childhood, the one who shared all my thoughts, cares, and wishes, I felt like someone adrift on a stormy sea, clinging to a plank for safety; night was closing in on me, and an unexpected wave had swept me from my grip and overwhelmed me forever.
Chapter XVII
I had no inclination nor power to move from this spot. For more than an hour, my faculties and limbs seemed to be deprived of all activity. The door below creaked on its hinges, and steps ascended the stairs. My wandering and confused thoughts were instantly recalled by these sounds, and dropping the curtain of the bed, I moved to a part of the room where any one who entered should be visible; such are the vibrations of sentiment, that notwithstanding the seeming fulfilment of my fears, and increase of my danger, I was conscious, on this occasion, to no turbulence but that of curiosity.
I felt neither the urge nor the strength to move from this spot. For over an hour, my mind and body seemed completely inactive. The door below creaked on its hinges, and footsteps began to come up the stairs. These sounds immediately pulled my wandering, confused thoughts back to reality, and as I pulled the bed curtain aside, I moved to a part of the room where anyone entering would be in view; such is the nature of human emotion that, despite my fears seeming to be realized and my danger increasing, I felt nothing this time but a sense of curiosity.
At length he entered the apartment, and I recognized my brother. It was the same Wieland whom I had ever seen. Yet his features were pervaded by a new expression. I supposed him unacquainted with the fate of his wife, and his appearance confirmed this persuasion. A brow expanding into exultation I had hitherto never seen in him, yet such a brow did he now wear. Not only was he unapprized of the disaster that had happened, but some joyous occurrence had betided. What a reverse was preparing to annihilate his transitory bliss! No husband ever doated more fondly, for no wife ever claimed so boundless a devotion. I was not uncertain as to the effects to flow from the discovery of her fate. I confided not at all in the efforts of his reason or his piety. There were few evils which his modes of thinking would not disarm of their sting; but here, all opiates to grief, and all compellers of patience were vain. This spectacle would be unavoidably followed by the outrages of desperation, and a rushing to death.
Finally, he entered the room, and I recognized my brother. It was the same Wieland I had always known. Yet his face showed a new expression. I thought he didn’t know what had happened to his wife, and his appearance confirmed that belief. He had a look of joy on his brow that I had never seen before. Not only was he unaware of the tragedy that had occurred, but something joyful must have happened as well. What a devastating turn of events was about to shatter his fleeting happiness! No husband ever loved more deeply, for no wife ever deserved such complete devotion. I wasn’t unsure about the impact of discovering her fate. I didn’t trust his reasoning or his faith to help him. There were few hardships that his way of thinking wouldn’t dull, but in this case, all remedies for grief and all sources of patience would be useless. This situation would inevitably lead to desperate acts and a rush toward death.
For the present, I neglected to ask myself what motive brought him hither. I was only fearful of the effects to flow from the sight of the dead. Yet could it be long concealed from him? Some time and speedily he would obtain this knowledge. No stratagems could considerably or usefully prolong his ignorance. All that could be sought was to take away the abruptness of the change, and shut out the confusion of despair, and the inroads of madness: but I knew my brother, and knew that all exertions to console him would be fruitless.
For now, I didn't think to ask myself what brought him here. I was just worried about the impact of seeing the dead. But could it really stay hidden from him for long? Soon enough, he would find out. No tricks could significantly or effectively delay his understanding. All I could do was soften the shock of the change and block out the chaos of despair and the onset of madness. But I knew my brother well, and I understood that any efforts to comfort him would be pointless.
What could I say? I was mute, and poured forth those tears on his account, which my own unhappiness had been unable to extort. In the midst of my tears, I was not unobservant of his motions. These were of a nature to rouse some other sentiment than grief or, at least, to mix with it a portion of astonishment.
What could I say? I was speechless and shed those tears for him that my own sadness couldn’t bring out. Even as I cried, I noticed his movements. They stirred feelings in me beyond just sadness, or at least added a hint of surprise to it.
His countenance suddenly became troubled. His hands were clasped with a force that left the print of his nails in his flesh. His eyes were fixed on my feet. His brain seemed to swell beyond its continent. He did not cease to breathe, but his breath was stifled into groans. I had never witnessed the hurricane of human passions. My element had, till lately, been all sunshine and calm. I was unconversant with the altitudes and energies of sentiment, and was transfixed with inexplicable horror by the symptoms which I now beheld.
His expression suddenly turned troubled. His hands were clenched so tightly that his nails dug into his skin. He was staring at my feet. It seemed like his mind was overflowing. He kept breathing, but his breaths turned into groans. I had never experienced the whirlwind of human emotions. Until recently, my life had been all sunshine and calm. I was unfamiliar with the heights and depths of feelings, and I was frozen in a state of inexplicable horror by the signs I was witnessing.
After a silence and a conflict which I could not interpret, he lifted his eyes to heaven, and in broken accents exclaimed, "This is too much! Any victim but this, and thy will be done. Have I not sufficiently attested my faith and my obedience? She that is gone, they that have perished, were linked with my soul by ties which only thy command would have broken; but here is sanctity and excellence surpassing human. This workmanship is thine, and it cannot be thy will to heap it into ruins."
After a moment of silence and a struggle I couldn't understand, he looked up to the sky and, with a shaky voice, cried out, "This is too much! Any other sacrifice but this, and I would accept it. Haven't I already shown my faith and obedience enough? The one who is lost, those who have died, were connected to my soul in a way that only your command could have severed; but here lies something sacred and exceptional beyond human understanding. This creation is yours, and it can't be your will to destroy it."
Here suddenly unclasping his hands, he struck one of them against his forehead, and continued—"Wretch! who made thee quicksighted in the councils of thy Maker? Deliverance from mortal fetters is awarded to this being, and thou art the minister of this decree."
Here, suddenly opening his hands, he hit one of them against his forehead and continued, "Wretch! Who gave you insight into the plans of your Creator? Freedom from earthly bonds is granted to this being, and you are the messenger of this decision."
So saying, Wieland advanced towards me. His words and his motions were without meaning, except on one supposition. The death of Catharine was already known to him, and that knowledge, as might have been suspected, had destroyed his reason. I had feared nothing less; but now that I beheld the extinction of a mind the most luminous and penetrating that ever dignified the human form, my sensations were fraught with new and insupportable anguish.
So saying, Wieland moved closer to me. His words and actions made no sense, except under one assumption. He already knew about Catharine's death, and that knowledge, as I might have guessed, had shattered his sanity. I had feared nothing less; but now that I witnessed the complete unraveling of a mind that was the most brilliant and insightful that ever graced humanity, my feelings were filled with new and unbearable pain.
I had not time to reflect in what way my own safety would be effected by this revolution, or what I had to dread from the wild conceptions of a madman. He advanced towards me. Some hollow noises were wafted by the breeze. Confused clamours were succeeded by many feet traversing the grass, and then crowding intO the piazza.
I didn’t have time to think about how this upheaval would impact my safety or what I should fear from the wild ideas of a madman. He moved closer to me. Some muffled sounds were carried by the wind. Chaotic shouts were followed by a crowd of people walking on the grass, then rushing into the piazza.
These sounds suspended my brother's purpose, and he stood to listen. The signals multiplied and grew louder; perceiving this, he turned from me, and hurried out of my sight. All about me was pregnant with motives to astonishment. My sister's corpse, Wieland's frantic demeanour, and, at length, this crowd of visitants so little accorded with my foresight, that my mental progress was stopped. The impulse had ceased which was accustomed to give motion and order to my thoughts.
These sounds interrupted my brother's intent, and he paused to listen. The signals multiplied and became louder; realizing this, he turned away from me and rushed out of my view. Everything around me was filled with reasons to be astonished. My sister's body, Wieland's frantic behavior, and finally, this crowd of visitors were so unexpected that my thoughts came to a halt. The urge that usually kept my thoughts moving and organized had vanished.
Footsteps thronged upon the stairs, and presently many faces shewed themselves within the door of my apartment. These looks were full of alarm and watchfulness. They pryed into corners as if in search of some fugitive; next their gaze was fixed upon me, and betokened all the vehemence of terror and pity. For a time I questioned whether these were not shapes and faces like that which I had seen at the bottom of the stairs, creatures of my fancy or airy existences. My eye wandered from one to another, till at length it fell on a countenance which I well knew. It was that of Mr. Hallet. This man was a distant kinsman of my mother, venerable for his age, his uprightness, and sagacity. He had long discharged the functions of a magistrate and good citizen. If any terrors remained, his presence was sufficient to dispel them.
Footsteps crowded the stairs, and soon many faces appeared at the door of my apartment. Their expressions were filled with concern and alertness. They searched the corners as if looking for someone who had escaped; then their eyes fixed on me, reflecting all the intensity of fear and sympathy. For a moment, I wondered if they were illusions or imaginary figures like the ones I had seen at the bottom of the stairs. My gaze moved from one person to another until it finally landed on a face I recognized well. It was Mr. Hallet. He was a distant relative of my mother, respected for his age, integrity, and wisdom. He had long served as a magistrate and a good citizen. If any fear lingered, his presence was enough to chase it away.
He approached, took my hand with a compassionate air, and said in a low voice, "Where, my dear Clara, are your brother and sister?" I made no answer, but pointed to the bed. His attendants drew aside the curtain, and while their eyes glared with horror at the spectacle which they beheld, those of Mr. Hallet overflowed with tears.
He came closer, took my hand gently, and said softly, "Where are your brother and sister, my dear Clara?" I didn't respond but just pointed to the bed. His aides pulled back the curtain, and while their eyes were wide with horror at what they saw, Mr. Hallet's eyes filled with tears.
After considerable pause, he once more turned to me. "My dear girl, this sight is not for you. Can you confide in my care, and that of Mrs. Baynton's? We will see performed all that circumstances require."
After a long pause, he turned to me again. "My dear girl, you shouldn't see this. Can you trust me and Mrs. Baynton to take care of you? We'll make sure everything that needs to happen gets taken care of."
I made strenuous opposition to this request. I insisted on remaining near her till she were interred. His remonstrances, however, and my own feelings, shewed me the propriety of a temporary dereliction. Louisa stood in need of a comforter, and my brother's children of a nurse. My unhappy brother was himself an object of solicitude and care. At length, I consented to relinquish the corpse, and go to my brother's, whose house, I said, would need mistress, and his children a parent.
I strongly opposed this request. I insisted on staying close to her until she was buried. However, his arguments and my own feelings showed me that it was appropriate to step back for a bit. Louisa needed comfort, and my brother's kids needed someone to take care of them. My poor brother was also in need of support and attention. Eventually, I agreed to let go of the body and go to my brother's house, which I said would need a woman in charge, and his children needed a parent.
During this discourse, my venerable friend struggled with his tears, but my last intimation called them forth with fresh violence. Meanwhile, his attendants stood round in mournful silence, gazing on me and at each other. I repeated my resolution, and rose to execute it; but he took my hand to detain me. His countenance betrayed irresolution and reluctance. I requested him to state the reason of his opposition to this measure. I entreated him to be explicit. I told him that my brother had just been there, and that I knew his condition. This misfortune had driven him to madness, and his offspring must not want a protector. If he chose, I would resign Wieland to his care; but his innocent and helpless babes stood in instant need of nurse and mother, and these offices I would by no means allow another to perform while I had life.
During this conversation, my dear friend struggled not to cry, but my last comment made him break down again. Meanwhile, his attendants stood around in sorrowful silence, looking at me and each other. I restated my decision and got up to act on it; however, he grabbed my hand to stop me. His face showed uncertainty and hesitation. I asked him to explain why he disagreed with my plan. I urged him to be clear. I told him that my brother had just been there and that I knew his situation. This tragedy had driven him to madness, and his children shouldn’t be left without someone to protect them. If he wanted, I would turn Wieland over to his care; but his innocent and helpless children desperately needed a nurse and mother, and I wouldn’t let anyone else take on that role as long as I was alive.
Every word that I uttered seemed to augment his perplexity and distress. At last he said, "I think, Clara, I have entitled myself to some regard from you. You have professed your willingness to oblige me. Now I call upon you to confer upon me the highest obligation in your power. Permit Mrs. Baynton to have the management of your brother's house for two or three days; then it shall be yours to act in it as you please. No matter what are my motives in making this request: perhaps I think your age, your sex, or the distress which this disaster must occasion, incapacitates you for the office. Surely you have no doubt of Mrs. Baynton's tenderness or discretion." New ideas now rushed into my mind. I fixed my eyes stedfastly on Mr. Hallet. "Are they well?" said I. "Is Louisa well? Are Benjamin, and William, and Constantine, and Little Clara, are they safe? Tell me truly, I beseech you!"
Every word I said seemed to add to his confusion and distress. Finally, he said, "I believe, Clara, I’ve earned some regard from you. You’ve said you’re willing to help me. Now I ask you to give me the greatest favor you can. Allow Mrs. Baynton to take care of your brother's house for two or three days; then it will be yours to manage as you wish. It doesn't matter what my motives are for making this request: maybe I think your age, your gender, or the distress caused by this situation makes you unfit for the role. You surely have no doubts about Mrs. Baynton's kindness or judgment." New thoughts flooded my mind. I looked intently at Mr. Hallet. "Are they okay?" I asked. "Is Louisa okay? Are Benjamin, William, Constantine, and Little Clara safe? Please tell me the truth!"
"They are well," he replied; "they are perfectly safe."
"They're fine," he replied; "they're completely safe."
"Fear no effeminate weakness in me: I can bear to hear the truth. Tell me truly, are they well?"
"Don't mistake me for weak: I can handle the truth. Tell me honestly, are they okay?"
He again assured me that they were well.
He reassured me that they were doing fine.
"What then," resumed I, "do you fear? Is it possible for any calamity to disqualify me for performing my duty to these helpless innocents? I am willing to divide the care of them with Mrs. Baynton; I shall be grateful for her sympathy and aid; but what should I be to desert them at an hour like this!"
"What then," I continued, "do you fear? Is there any disaster that could prevent me from doing my duty to these helpless innocents? I'm willing to share the responsibility for them with Mrs. Baynton; I would appreciate her support and help; but how could I abandon them in a moment like this!"
I will cut short this distressful dialogue. I still persisted in my purpose, and he still persisted in his opposition. This excited my suspicions anew; but these were removed by solemn declarations of their safety. I could not explain this conduct in my friend; but at length consented to go to the city, provided I should see them for a few minutes at present, and should return on the morrow.
I will end this upsetting conversation. I still held onto my goal, and he still stood against it. This raised my suspicions again, but they were eased by serious promises of their safety. I couldn’t make sense of my friend’s behavior, but eventually, I agreed to go to the city, provided I could see them for a few minutes now and come back tomorrow.
Even this arrangement was objected to. At length he told me they were removed to the city. Why were they removed, I asked, and whither? My importunities would not now be eluded. My suspicions were roused, and no evasion or artifice was sufficient to allay them. Many of the audience began to give vent to their emotions in tears. Mr. Hallet himself seemed as if the conflict were too hard to be longer sustained. Something whispered to my heart that havoc had been wider than I now witnessed. I suspected this concealment to arise from apprehensions of the effects which a knowledge of the truth would produce in me. I once more entreated him to inform me truly of their state. To enforce my entreaties, I put on an air of insensibility. "I can guess," said I, "what has happened—They are indeed beyond the reach of injury, for they are dead! Is it not so?" My voice faltered in spite of my courageous efforts.
Even this setup was met with objections. Eventually, he told me they had been moved to the city. "Why were they moved?" I asked, and "Where to?" My persistent questioning couldn’t be brushed off anymore. My suspicions were raised, and no excuses or tricks could calm them. Many people in the audience began to express their emotions through tears. Mr. Hallet himself looked as if the struggle was too much to bear any longer. Something in my heart suggested that the damage was worse than what I could see. I suspected this secrecy came from fears about how knowing the truth would affect me. I once again begged him to tell me the real situation. To emphasize my pleas, I tried to put on a façade of indifference. "I can guess," I said, "what has happened—They are truly beyond harm, because they’re dead! Isn’t that right?" My voice shook despite my brave attempts.
"Yes," said he, "they are dead! Dead by the same fate, and by the same hand, with their mother!"
"Yes," he said, "they're dead! Dead by the same fate, and by the same hand, as their mother!"
"Dead!" replied I; "what, all?"
"Dead!" I replied; "What, everyone?"
"All!" replied he: "he spared NOT ONE!"
"All!" he replied. "He spared NOT ONE!"
Allow me, my friends, to close my eyes upon the after-scene. Why should I protract a tale which I already begin to feel is too long? Over this scene at least let me pass lightly. Here, indeed, my narrative would be imperfect. All was tempestuous commotion in my heart and in my brain. I have no memory for ought but unconscious transitions and rueful sights. I was ingenious and indefatigable in the invention of torments. I would not dispense with any spectacle adapted to exasperate my grief. Each pale and mangled form I crushed to my bosom. Louisa, whom I loved with so ineffable a passion, was denied to me at first, but my obstinacy conquered their reluctance.
Allow me, my friends, to close my eyes on the aftermath. Why should I prolong a story that I can already feel is too long? Over this scene, at least, let me glide through. Here, my narrative would be incomplete. There was a storm of emotions in my heart and mind. I only remember vague transitions and sorrowful sights. I was creative and tireless in inventing my own sufferings. I wouldn't let go of any moment that would intensify my pain. I held each pale and broken figure close to my heart. Louisa, whom I loved with such deep passion, was initially out of reach for me, but my stubbornness overcame their resistance.
They led the way into a darkened hall. A lamp pendant from the ceiling was uncovered, and they pointed to a table. The assassin had defrauded me of my last and miserable consolation. I sought not in her visage, for the tinge of the morning, and the lustre of heaven. These had vanished with life; but I hoped for liberty to print a last kiss upon her lips. This was denied me; for such had been the merciless blow that destroyed her, that not a LINEAMENT REMAINED!
They led the way into a dark hall. A lamp hanging from the ceiling was uncovered, and they pointed to a table. The assassin had taken away my last and miserable comfort. I didn’t look for it in her face, for the glow of morning and the shine of heaven were gone with her life. But I hoped for the chance to place one last kiss on her lips. This was denied to me; the blow that took her life was so merciless that not a SINGLE FEATURE REMAINED!
I was carried hence to the city. Mrs. Hallet was my companion and my nurse. Why should I dwell upon the rage of fever, and the effusions of delirium? Carwin was the phantom that pursued my dreams, the giant oppressor under whose arm I was for ever on the point of being crushed. Strenuous muscles were required to hinder my flight, and hearts of steel to withstand the eloquence of my fears. In vain I called upon them to look upward, to mark his sparkling rage and scowling contempt. All I sought was to fly from the stroke that was lifted. Then I heaped upon my guards the most vehement reproaches, or betook myself to wailings on the haplessness of my condition.
I was taken to the city. Mrs. Hallet was my companion and caretaker. Why should I focus on the fever's rage and the outbursts of delirium? Carwin was the ghost that haunted my dreams, the giant oppressor who I feared would crush me at any moment. It took strong muscles to keep me from running away, and hearts of steel to handle the weight of my fears. I called on them in vain to look up and notice his blazing anger and scornful contempt. All I wanted was to escape the blow that was about to fall. I then showered my guards with the most intense reproaches or gave in to cries about the misfortune of my situation.
This malady, at length, declined, and my weeping friends began to look for my restoration. Slowly, and with intermitted beams, memory revisited me. The scenes that I had witnessed were revived, became the theme of deliberation and deduction, and called forth the effusions of more rational sorrow.
This illness eventually faded, and my friends, who had been crying, started to hope for my recovery. Gradually, and with brief moments of clarity, my memory started to return. The experiences I had gone through resurfaced, became the focus of discussion and analysis, and sparked expressions of more thoughtful sadness.
Chapter XVIII
I had imperfectly recovered my strength, when I was informed of the arrival of my mother's brother, Thomas Cambridge. Ten years since, he went to Europe, and was a surgeon in the British forces in Germany, during the whole of the late war. After its conclusion, some connection that he had formed with an Irish officer, made him retire into Ireland. Intercourse had been punctually maintained by letters with his sister's children, and hopes were given that he would shortly return to his native country, and pass his old age in our society. He was now in an evil hour arrived.
I had only partially regained my strength when I learned that my uncle, Thomas Cambridge, had arrived. Ten years ago, he went to Europe and served as a surgeon in the British forces in Germany during the recent war. After it ended, a connection he made with an Irish officer led him to retire to Ireland. He had kept in touch with his sister's children through letters, and there were hopes that he would soon return to his homeland and spend his later years with us. Unfortunately, he arrived at a bad time.
I desired an interview with him for numerous and urgent reasons. With the first returns of my understanding I had anxiously sought information of the fate of my brother. During the course of my disease I had never seen him; and vague and unsatisfactory answers were returned to all my inquires. I had vehemently interrogated Mrs. Hallet and her husband, and solicited an interview with this unfortunate man; but they mysteriously insinuated that his reason was still unsettled, and that his circumstances rendered an interview impossible. Their reserve on the particulars of this destruction, and the author of it, was equally invincible.
I wanted to talk to him for many important reasons. As soon as I started to understand things again, I eagerly sought information about what had happened to my brother. Throughout my illness, I had never seen him, and all my questions were met with vague and unsatisfactory answers. I had asked Mrs. Hallet and her husband intensely, and requested a meeting with this unfortunate man, but they mysteriously suggested that his mind was still not right and that his situation made a meeting impossible. Their reluctance to discuss the details of this tragedy and who caused it was just as strong.
For some time, finding all my efforts fruitless, I had desisted from direct inquiries and solicitations, determined, as soon as my strength was sufficiently renewed, to pursue other means of dispelling my uncertainty. In this state of things my uncle's arrival and intention to visit me were announced. I almost shuddered to behold the face of this man. When I reflected on the disasters that had befallen us, I was half unwilling to witness that dejection and grief which would be disclosed in his countenance. But I believed that all transactions had been thoroughly disclosed to him, and confided in my importunity to extort from him the knowledge that I sought.
For a while, after realizing that all my efforts were pointless, I stopped making direct inquiries and requests, determined that once I regained enough strength, I would find other ways to clear up my uncertainty. In this situation, my uncle's arrival and intention to visit me were announced. I nearly recoiled at the sight of this man. When I thought about the disasters that had struck us, I was hesitant to witness the sadness and grief that would show on his face. But I believed that everything had been fully revealed to him and I relied on my insistence to get the answers I was looking for.
I had no doubt as to the person of our enemy; but the motives that urged him to perpetrate these horrors, the means that he used, and his present condition, were totally unknown. It was reasonable to expect some information on this head, from my uncle. I therefore waited his coming with impatience. At length, in the dusk of the evening, and in my solitary chamber, this meeting took place.
I had no doubt about who our enemy was, but the reasons behind his actions, the methods he used, and his current state were completely unclear. I thought it made sense to get some insight on this from my uncle. So, I waited anxiously for him to arrive. Finally, in the evening's dim light, while I was alone in my room, we had our meeting.
This man was our nearest relation, and had ever treated us with the affection of a parent. Our meeting, therefore, could not be without overflowing tenderness and gloomy joy. He rather encouraged than restrained the tears that I poured out in his arms, and took upon himself the task of comforter. Allusions to recent disasters could not be long omitted. One topic facilitated the admission of another. At length, I mentioned and deplored the ignorance in which I had been kept respecting my brother's destiny, and the circumstances of our misfortunes. I entreated him to tell me what was Wieland's condition, and what progress had been made in detecting or punishing the author of this unheard-of devastation.
This man was our closest relative and had always treated us with the love of a parent. So, our reunion was filled with both overwhelming tenderness and bittersweet joy. He encouraged rather than held back the tears I shed in his arms, taking on the role of the comforter. It wasn't long before we talked about the recent disasters. One topic led to another. Eventually, I brought up and lamented the fact that I had been kept in the dark about my brother’s fate and the details of our misfortunes. I begged him to tell me how Wieland was doing and what progress had been made in finding or punishing the person responsible for this unimaginable devastation.
"The author!" said he; "Do you know the author?"
"The author!" he said. "Do you know the author?"
"Alas!" I answered, "I am too well acquainted with him. The story of the grounds of my suspicions would be painful and too long. I am not apprized of the extent of your present knowledge. There are none but Wieland, Pleyel, and myself, who are able to relate certain facts."
"Unfortunately," I replied, "I know him all too well. The story behind my suspicions would be painful and too long to share. I'm not sure how much you currently know. Only Wieland, Pleyel, and I can discuss certain facts."
"Spare yourself the pain," said he. "All that Wieland and Pleyel can communicate, I know already. If any thing of moment has fallen within your own exclusive knowledge, and the relation be not too arduous for your present strength, I confess I am desirous of hearing it. Perhaps you allude to one by the name of Carwin. I will anticipate your curiosity by saying, that since these disasters, no one has seen or heard of him. His agency is, therefore, a mystery still unsolved."
"Save yourself the trouble," he said. "I already know everything Wieland and Pleyel could tell you. If there's something important that you alone know, and it's not too difficult for you to share right now, I’d really like to hear it. Maybe you’re talking about someone named Carwin. I’ll ease your curiosity by saying that since all these events happened, no one has seen or heard from him. His involvement remains a mystery that hasn’t been solved."
I readily complied with his request, and related as distinctly as I could, though in general terms, the events transacted in the summer-house and my chamber. He listened without apparent surprize to the tale of Pleyel's errors and suspicions, and with augmented seriousness, to my narrative of the warnings and inexplicable vision, and the letter found upon the table. I waited for his comments.
I quickly agreed to his request and explained as clearly as I could, although in broad terms, what happened in the summer house and my room. He listened without showing any surprise to the story of Pleyel's mistakes and doubts, and with even more seriousness to my account of the warnings, the strange vision, and the letter I found on the table. I waited for his feedback.
"You gather from this," said he, "that Carwin is the author of all this misery."
"You can gather from this," he said, "that Carwin is the one responsible for all this misery."
"Is it not," answered I, "an unavoidable inference? But what know you respecting it? Was it possible to execute this mischief without witness or coadjutor? I beseech you to relate to me, when and why Mr. Hallet was summoned to the scene, and by whom this disaster was first suspected or discovered. Surely, suspicion must have fallen upon some one, and pursuit was made."
"Isn't it," I replied, "an obvious conclusion? But what do you know about it? Was it possible for this harm to happen without anyone noticing or having a partner? Please tell me when and why Mr. Hallet was called to the scene, and who first suspected or discovered this disaster. Surely, someone must have been suspected, and there must have been a search."
My uncle rose from his seat, and traversed the floor with hasty steps. His eyes were fixed upon the ground, and he seemed buried in perplexity. At length he paused, and said with an emphatic tone, "It is true; the instrument is known. Carwin may have plotted, but the execution was another's. That other is found, and his deed is ascertained."
My uncle got up from his seat and hurried across the room. He was staring at the ground, looking completely lost in thought. Finally, he stopped and said emphatically, "It's true; the instrument is identified. Carwin may have conspired, but someone else carried it out. That person has been found, and their actions have been confirmed."
"Good heaven!" I exclaimed, "what say you? Was not Carwin the assassin? Could any hand but his have carried into act this dreadful purpose?"
"Good heavens!" I exclaimed, "What do you think? Wasn't Carwin the assassin? Could any hand but his have carried out this terrible plan?"
"Have I not said," returned he, "that the performance was another's? Carwin, perhaps, or heaven, or insanity, prompted the murderer; but Carwin is unknown. The actual performer has, long since, been called to judgment and convicted, and is, at this moment, at the bottom of a dungeon loaded with chains."
"Did I not say," he replied, "that the act was done by someone else? Carwin, maybe, or some higher power, or madness, drove the murderer; but Carwin is a stranger. The real culprit has long been taken to trial and found guilty, and right now, he is at the bottom of a dungeon weighed down by chains."
I lifted my hands and eyes. "Who then is this assassin? By what means, and whither was he traced? What is the testimony of his guilt?"
I raised my hands and looked up. "So who is this assassin? How was he tracked down, and where did it lead? What evidence do we have of his guilt?"
"His own, corroborated with that of a servant-maid who spied the murder of the children from a closet where she was concealed. The magistrate returned from your dwelling to your brother's. He was employed in hearing and recording the testimony of the only witness, when the criminal himself, unexpected, unsolicited, unsought, entered the hall, acknowledged his guilt, and rendered himself up to justice.
"His own account, supported by that of a maid who witnessed the murder of the children from a hidden spot in the closet. The magistrate returned from your home to your brother's. He was busy hearing and recording the testimony of the only witness when the criminal himself unexpectedly, unsolicited, and uninvited, entered the hall, admitted his guilt, and surrendered to justice."
"He has since been summoned to the bar. The audience was composed of thousands whom rumours of this wonderful event had attracted from the greatest distance. A long and impartial examination was made, and the prisoner was called upon for his defence. In compliance with this call he delivered an ample relation of his motives and actions." There he stopped.
"He has since been called to the bar. The audience was made up of thousands who had traveled from far and wide due to rumors of this incredible event. A thorough and fair examination took place, and the prisoner was asked to present his defense. In response to this request, he gave a detailed account of his motives and actions." There he stopped.
I besought him to say who this criminal was, and what the instigations that compelled him. My uncle was silent. I urged this inquiry with new force. I reverted to my own knowledge, and sought in this some basis to conjecture. I ran over the scanty catalogue of the men whom I knew; I lighted on no one who was qualified for ministering to malice like this. Again I resorted to importunity. Had I ever seen the criminal? Was it sheer cruelty, or diabolical revenge that produced this overthrow?
I begged him to tell me who this criminal was and what drove him to do it. My uncle stayed quiet. I pressed on with this question, trying harder to get an answer. I thought about what I knew and looked for clues. I went through the few guys I knew; none of them seemed like they could be capable of such malice. I pushed again. Had I ever met this criminal? Was this act just pure cruelty or some kind of twisted revenge that caused this downfall?
He surveyed me, for a considerable time, and listened to my interrogations in silence. At length he spoke: "Clara, I have known thee by report, and in some degree by observation. Thou art a being of no vulgar sort. Thy friends have hitherto treated thee as a child. They meant well, but, perhaps, they were unacquainted with thy strength. I assure myself that nothing will surpass thy fortitude.
He looked at me for a long time and listened to my questions in silence. Finally, he spoke: "Clara, I've heard about you and have observed you to some extent. You are not an ordinary person. Your friends have treated you like a child up to now. They meant well, but maybe they didn't realize your strength. I believe that nothing will exceed your courage."
"Thou art anxious to know the destroyer of thy family, his actions, and his motives. Shall I call him to thy presence, and permit him to confess before thee? Shall I make him the narrator of his own tale?"
"You’re eager to learn about the person who has harmed your family, his actions, and his motives. Should I bring him to you and let him confess in front of you? Should I let him tell his own story?"
I started on my feet, and looked round me with fearful glances, as if the murderer was close at hand. "What do you mean?" said I; "put an end, I beseech you, to this suspence."
I got up on my feet and looked around with anxious glances, as if the killer was nearby. "What do you mean?" I said; "please, end this suspense."
"Be not alarmed; you will never more behold the face of this criminal, unless he be gifted with supernatural strength, and sever like threads the constraint of links and bolts. I have said that the assassin was arraigned at the bar, and that the trial ended with a summons from the judge to confess or to vindicate his actions. A reply was immediately made with significance of gesture, and a tranquil majesty, which denoted less of humanity than godhead. Judges, advocates and auditors were panic-struck and breathless with attention. One of the hearers faithfully recorded the speech. There it is," continued he, putting a roll of papers in my hand, "you may read it at your leisure."
"Don’t be alarmed; you will never see this criminal’s face again, unless he somehow finds superhuman strength to break free from his chains and locks. I mentioned that the assassin was brought to trial, and that it concluded with the judge urging him to either confess or defend his actions. He responded right away with a significant gesture and a calm dignity that showed less humanity and more divinity. The judges, lawyers, and audience were stunned and frozen in focus. One listener took notes on the speech. Here it is," he said, handing me a roll of papers, "you can read it when you have time."
With these words my uncle left me alone. My curiosity refused me a moment's delay. I opened the papers, and read as follows.
With that, my uncle left me by myself. My curiosity wouldn't let me wait even a moment. I opened the papers and read the following.
Chapter XIX
"Theodore Wieland, the prisoner at the bar, was now called upon for his defence. He looked around him for some time in silence, and with a mild countenance. At length he spoke:
"Theodore Wieland, the defendant at the stand, was now asked to present his defense. He looked around for a while in silence, maintaining a calm expression. Finally, he began to speak:
"It is strange; I am known to my judges and my auditors. Who is there present a stranger to the character of Wieland? who knows him not as an husband—as a father—as a friend? yet here am I arraigned as criminal. I am charged with diabolical malice; I am accused of the murder of my wife and my children!
"It’s odd; my judges and listeners know me. Who here doesn't know Wieland? Who doesn’t see him as a husband, a father, a friend? Yet here I am, accused as a criminal. I’m charged with evil intent; I’m accused of murdering my wife and my children!"
"It is true, they were slain by me; they all perished by my hand. The task of vindication is ignoble. What is it that I am called to vindicate? and before whom?
"It’s true, I killed them; they all died by my hand. The job of justifying myself is unworthy. What exactly am I supposed to justify? And to whom?"
"You know that they are dead, and that they were killed by me. What more would you have? Would you extort from me a statement of my motives? Have you failed to discover them already? You charge me with malice; but your eyes are not shut; your reason is still vigorous; your memory has not forsaken you. You know whom it is that you thus charge. The habits of his life are known to you; his treatment of his wife and his offspring is known to you; the soundness of his integrity, and the unchangeableness of his principles, are familiar to your apprehension; yet you persist in this charge! You lead me hither manacled as a felon; you deem me worthy of a vile and tormenting death!
"You know they’re dead, and that I killed them. What more do you want? Do you expect me to explain my motives? Haven’t you figured them out already? You accuse me of malice; but your eyes aren’t closed; your mind is still sharp; your memory hasn't abandoned you. You know exactly who you're accusing. You know his habits; you know how he treated his wife and kids; you're familiar with his integrity and unwavering principles, yet you continue with this accusation! You brought me here in chains like a criminal; you think I deserve a horrible and painful death!
"Who are they whom I have devoted to death? My wife—the little ones, that drew their being from me—that creature who, as she surpassed them in excellence, claimed a larger affection than those whom natural affinities bound to my heart. Think ye that malice could have urged me to this deed? Hide your audacious fronts from the scrutiny of heaven. Take refuge in some cavern unvisited by human eyes. Ye may deplore your wickedness or folly, but ye cannot expiate it.
"Who are the people I've sentenced to death? My wife—the little ones, who were brought to life by me—that person who, as she excelled them, deserved more love than those I was naturally tied to. Do you think malice could have driven me to this act? Hide your bold faces from the gaze of heaven. Seek shelter in some cave away from human eyes. You can regret your wickedness or stupidity, but you can’t make up for it."
"Think not that I speak for your sakes. Hug to your hearts this detestable infatuation. Deem me still a murderer, and drag me to untimely death. I make not an effort to dispel your illusion: I utter not a word to cure you of your sanguinary folly: but there are probably some in this assembly who have come from far: for their sakes, whose distance has disabled them from knowing me, I will tell what I have done, and why.
"Don’t think I’m saying this for your benefit. Hold onto this terrible obsession tightly. Still consider me a murderer, and take me to my death. I’m not trying to change your mind: I won’t say a word to fix your violent delusion. But there are probably some people here who have traveled from far away: for their sake, since they can’t know me, I will explain what I’ve done and why."
"It is needless to say that God is the object of my supreme passion. I have cherished, in his presence, a single and upright heart. I have thirsted for the knowledge of his will. I have burnt with ardour to approve my faith and my obedience.
"It goes without saying that God is my ultimate passion. I have held a single and sincere heart in His presence. I have yearned for the knowledge of His will. I have been filled with a fervent desire to demonstrate my faith and obedience."
"My days have been spent in searching for the revelation of that will; but my days have been mournful, because my search failed. I solicited direction: I turned on every side where glimmerings of light could be discovered. I have not been wholly uninformed; but my knowledge has always stopped short of certainty. Dissatisfaction has insinuated itself into all my thoughts. My purposes have been pure; my wishes indefatigable; but not till lately were these purposes thoroughly accomplished, and these wishes fully gratified.
"My days have been spent looking for a clear understanding of that will; but my days have been sad because my search has been unsuccessful. I asked for guidance: I looked in every direction where I might find a glimmer of hope. I haven't been completely uninformed; however, my knowledge has always fallen short of certainty. Discontent has crept into all my thoughts. My intentions have been sincere; my desires relentless; but it wasn't until recently that those intentions were fully realized, and those desires completely satisfied."
"I thank thee, my father, for thy bounty; that thou didst not ask a less sacrifice than this; that thou placedst me in a condition to testify my submission to thy will! What have I withheld which it was thy pleasure to exact? Now may I, with dauntless and erect eye, claim my reward, since I have given thee the treasure of my soul.
"I thank you, my father, for your generosity; that you did not ask for a smaller sacrifice than this; that you put me in a position to show my submission to your will! What have I kept back that it was your wish to demand? Now may I, with fearless and steady gaze, claim my reward, since I have given you the treasure of my soul."
"I was at my own house: it was late in the evening: my sister had gone to the city, but proposed to return. It was in expectation of her return that my wife and I delayed going to bed beyond the usual hour; the rest of the family, however, were retired.
"I was at home: it was late in the evening: my sister had gone to the city but planned to come back. My wife and I stayed up past our usual bedtime, waiting for her return; the rest of the family, however, had already gone to bed."
"My mind was contemplative and calm; not wholly devoid of apprehension on account of my sister's safety. Recent events, not easily explained, had suggested the existence of some danger; but this danger was without a distinct form in our imagination, and scarcely ruffled our tranquillity.
"My mind was thoughtful and calm; not completely free of worry about my sister's safety. Recent events, which were hard to explain, hinted at some danger; but this danger didn't have a clear shape in our minds, and it barely disturbed our peace."
"Time passed, and my sister did not arrive; her house is at some distance from mine, and though her arrangements had been made with a view to residing with us, it was possible that, through forgetfulness, or the occurrence of unforeseen emergencies, she had returned to her own dwelling.
"Time passed, and my sister still hadn’t shown up; her house is a bit far from mine, and even though she had planned to stay with us, it’s possible that due to forgetfulness or unexpected circumstances, she went back to her own place."
"Hence it was conceived proper that I should ascertain the truth by going thither. I went. On my way my mind was full of these ideas which related to my intellectual condition. In the torrent of fervid conceptions, I lost sight of my purpose. Some times I stood still; some times I wandered from my path, and experienced some difficulty, on recovering from my fit of musing, to regain it.
So I thought it was right to find out the truth by going there. I went. On my way, my mind was filled with thoughts about my mental state. In the rush of intense ideas, I lost track of my goal. Sometimes I stopped; other times I strayed from my path and had a hard time getting back to it after getting lost in my thoughts.
"The series of my thoughts is easily traced. At first every vein beat with raptures known only to the man whose parental and conjugal love is without limits, and the cup of whose desires, immense as it is, overflows with gratification. I know not why emotions that were perpetual visitants should now have recurred with unusual energy. The transition was not new from sensations of joy to a consciousness of gratitude. The author of my being was likewise the dispenser of every gift with which that being was embellished. The service to which a benefactor like this was entitled, could not be circumscribed. My social sentiments were indebted to their alliance with devotion for all their value. All passions are base, all joys feeble, all energies malignant, which are not drawn from this source.
My thoughts are easy to follow. At first, every part of me was filled with joy that only someone with limitless parental and romantic love can understand, and my desires, although vast, overflowed with satisfaction. I don’t know why feelings that once visited regularly have now returned with such intensity. The shift from joy to a sense of gratitude wasn’t new. The one who created me was also the source of every gift that made my life beautiful. The service I owed to a benefactor like this couldn't be limited. My social feelings derived their worth from their connection to devotion. Any passions that don't stem from this source are shallow, any joys are weak, and any energies are harmful.
"For a time, my contemplations soared above earth and its inhabitants. I stretched forth my hands; I lifted my eyes, and exclaimed, O! that I might be admitted to thy presence; that mine were the supreme delight of knowing thy will, and of performing it! The blissful privilege of direct communication with thee, and of listening to the audible enunciation of thy pleasure!
"For a while, my thoughts flew high above the earth and its people. I reached out my hands; I raised my eyes, and exclaimed, Oh! that I could be close to you; that I could have the ultimate joy of understanding your will, and doing it! The wonderful privilege of speaking directly with you, and hearing your wishes clearly!"
"What task would I not undertake, what privation would I not cheerfully endure, to testify my love of thee? Alas! thou hidest thyself from my view: glimpses only of thy excellence and beauty are afforded me. Would that a momentary emanation from thy glory would visit me! that some unambiguous token of thy presence would salute my senses!
"What task wouldn’t I take on, what hardship wouldn’t I gladly go through, to show my love for you? Unfortunately, you hide yourself from me: I can only catch glimpses of your greatness and beauty. I wish that a brief ray of your glory would come to me! That some clear sign of your presence would greet my senses!"
"In this mood, I entered the house of my sister. It was vacant. Scarcely had I regained recollection of the purpose that brought me hither. Thoughts of a different tendency had such absolute possession of my mind, that the relations of time and space were almost obliterated from my understanding. These wanderings, however, were restrained, and I ascended to her chamber.
"In this mood, I walked into my sister's house. It was empty. I had barely remembered why I came here. Thoughts of a different kind had completely taken over my mind, to the point where my sense of time and space felt almost erased. However, I pulled myself together and went up to her room."
"I had no light, and might have known by external observation, that the house was without any inhabitant. With this, however, I was not satisfied. I entered the room, and the object of my search not appearing, I prepared to return.
"I had no light and could have guessed from looking around that the house was unoccupied. Still, I wasn't satisfied with that. I went into the room, and since I couldn’t find what I was looking for, I got ready to leave."
"The darkness required some caution in descending the stair. I stretched my hand to seize the balustrade by which I might regulate my steps. How shall I describe the lustre, which, at that moment, burst upon my vision!
"The darkness called for some caution when going down the stairs. I reached out to grab the railing to help steady my steps. How can I describe the brilliance that suddenly filled my sight!
"I was dazzled. My organs were bereaved of their activity. My eye-lids were half-closed, and my hands withdrawn from the balustrade. A nameless fear chilled my veins, and I stood motionless. This irradiation did not retire or lessen. It seemed as if some powerful effulgence covered me like a mantle.
I was amazed. My body felt numb and unresponsive. My eyelids were half closed, and my hands pulled away from the railing. A vague fear ran cold through my veins, and I stood frozen. This brightness didn't fade or diminish. It felt like a strong light was enveloping me like a cloak.
"I opened my eyes and found all about me luminous and glowing. It was the element of heaven that flowed around. Nothing but a fiery stream was at first visible; but, anon, a shrill voice from behind called upon me to attend.
I opened my eyes and saw everything around me bright and glowing. It was the essence of heaven all around. At first, I could only see a stream of fire; then, shortly after, a piercing voice from behind urged me to pay attention.
"I turned: It is forbidden to describe what I saw: Words, indeed, would be wanting to the task. The lineaments of that being, whose veil was now lifted, and whose visage beamed upon my sight, no hues of pencil or of language can pourtray.
"I turned: It's forbidden to describe what I saw: Words, truly, would fall short for the task. The features of that being, whose veil was now lifted, and whose face shone upon my sight, no colors of paint or language can depict."
"As it spoke, the accents thrilled to my heart. "Thy prayers are heard. In proof of thy faith, render me thy wife. This is the victim I chuse. Call her hither, and here let her fall."—The sound, and visage, and light vanished at once.
"As it spoke, the voice resonated with my heart. 'Your prayers are heard. To prove your faith, give me your wife. This is the sacrifice I choose. Bring her here, and let her fall.'—The sound, face, and light disappeared all at once."
"What demand was this? The blood of Catharine was to be shed! My wife was to perish by my hand! I sought opportunity to attest my virtue. Little did I expect that a proof like this would have been demanded.
"What kind of demand was this? Catharine's blood was to be shed! My wife was to die by my hand! I looked for a chance to prove my worth. I never anticipated that proof like this would be required."
"My wife! I exclaimed: O God! substitute some other victim. Make me not the butcher of my wife. My own blood is cheap. This will I pour out before thee with a willing heart; but spare, I beseech thee, this precious life, or commission some other than her husband to perform the bloody deed.
"My wife!" I shouted. "Oh God! Choose someone else. Don’t make me the killer of my wife. My own blood means nothing to me. I would gladly spill it before you; but please, I beg you, spare this precious life, or let someone other than her husband carry out this terrible act."
"In vain. The conditions were prescribed; the decree had gone forth, and nothing remained but to execute it. I rushed out of the house and across the intermediate fields, and stopped not till I entered my own parlour. "My wife had remained here during my absence, in anxious expectation of my return with some tidings of her sister. I had none to communicate. For a time, I was breathless with my speed: This, and the tremors that shook my frame, and the wildness of my looks, alarmed her. She immediately suspected some disaster to have happened to her friend, and her own speech was as much overpowered by emotion as mine.
"In vain. The conditions were set; the order had been given, and all that was left was to carry it out. I dashed out of the house and ran across the fields, not stopping until I reached my own living room. My wife had stayed here while I was gone, anxiously waiting for me to return with news about her sister. I had no news to share. For a moment, I was breathless from my speed; this, along with the shakes that ran through me and the wild look in my eyes, worried her. She quickly suspected that something terrible had happened to her friend, and her voice was just as choked with emotion as mine."
"She was silent, but her looks manifested her impatience to hear what I had to communicate. I spoke, but with so much precipitation as scarcely to be understood; catching her, at the same time, by the arm, and forcibly pulling her from her seat.
"She was quiet, but her expression showed how impatient she was to hear what I had to say. I spoke so quickly that I could barely be understood, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her up from her seat."
"Come along with me: fly: waste not a moment: time will be lost, and the deed will be omitted. Tarry not; question not; but fly with me!
"Come with me: let's go: don’t waste a moment: time will slip away, and the action will be missed. Don’t delay; don’t hesitate; just come with me!"
"This deportment added afresh to her alarms. Her eyes pursued mine, and she said, "What is the matter? For God's sake what is the matter? Where would you have me go?"
"This behavior only increased her worries. She locked eyes with me and said, 'What's wrong? For God's sake, what's wrong? Where do you want me to go?'"
"My eyes were fixed upon her countenance while she spoke. I thought upon her virtues; I viewed her as the mother of my babes: as my wife: I recalled the purpose for which I thus urged her attendance. My heart faltered, and I saw that I must rouse to this work all my faculties. The danger of the least delay was imminent.
"My eyes were glued to her face as she talked. I thought about her qualities; I saw her as the mother of my children, as my wife. I remembered why I had insisted she come. My heart wavered, and I realized I had to summon all my strength for this task. The risk of even a slight delay was urgent."
"I looked away from her, and again exerting my force, drew her towards the door—'You must go with me—indeed you must.'
"I looked away from her and, using my strength again, pulled her toward the door—'You have to come with me—really, you have to.'"
"In her fright she half-resisted my efforts, and again exclaimed, 'Good heaven! what is it you mean? Where go? What has happened? Have you found Clara?"
"In her fear, she partially resisted my efforts and exclaimed again, 'Good heavens! What do you mean? Where are you going? What happened? Did you find Clara?'"
"Follow me, and you will see," I answered, still urging her reluctant steps forward.
"Follow me, and you'll see," I replied, still encouraging her hesitant steps forward.
"What phrenzy has seized you? Something must needs have happened. Is she sick? Have you found her?"
"What frenzy has taken over you? Something must have happened. Is she sick? Have you found her?"
"Come and see. Follow me, and know for yourself."
"Come and check it out. Follow me, and see for yourself."
"Still she expostulated and besought me to explain this mysterious behaviour. I could not trust myself to answer her; to look at her; but grasping her arm, I drew her after me. She hesitated, rather through confusion of mind than from unwillingness to accompany me. This confusion gradually abated, and she moved forward, but with irresolute footsteps, and continual exclamations of wonder and terror. Her interrogations Of "what was the matter?" and "whither was I going?" were ceaseless and vehement.
"Still, she urged me and begged me to explain this strange behavior. I couldn't trust myself to answer her or even look at her, so I grabbed her arm and pulled her along with me. She hesitated, not so much out of reluctance to follow me, but because she was confused. This confusion slowly faded, and she started walking, but with uncertain steps and constant cries of surprise and fear. Her questions of "what's going on?" and "where are you going?" were nonstop and intense."
"It was the scope of my efforts not to think; to keep up a conflict and uproar in my mind in which all order and distinctness should be lost; to escape from the sensations produced by her voice. I was, therefore, silent. I strove to abridge this interval by my haste, and to waste all my attention in furious gesticulations.
"It was my goal to not think; to maintain a chaos and commotion in my mind where everything was disordered and unclear; to avoid the feelings her voice stirred in me. So, I stayed quiet. I tried to shorten this time by rushing around and diverting all my focus into wild gestures."
"In this state of mind we reached my sister's door. She looked at the windows and saw that all was desolate—"Why come we here? There is no body here. I will not go in."
"In this state of mind, we arrived at my sister's door. She looked at the windows and saw that everything was empty—'Why are we here? There's nobody here. I'm not going in.'"
"Still I was dumb; but opening the door, I drew her into the entry. This was the allotted scene: here she was to fall. I let go her hand, and pressing my palms against my forehead, made one mighty effort to work up my soul to the deed.
"Still, I was speechless; but when I opened the door, I pulled her into the hallway. This was the moment we had set: here she was meant to fall. I released her hand and, pressing my palms against my forehead, made a strong effort to summon the courage for what I had to do."
"In vain; it would not be; my courage was appalled; my arms nerveless: I muttered prayers that my strength might be aided from above. They availed nothing.
"In vain; it wouldn’t happen; my courage was shattered; my arms felt weak: I whispered prayers for strength from above. They were of no help."
"Horror diffused itself over me. This conviction of my cowardice, my rebellion, fastened upon me, and I stood rigid and cold as marble. From this state I was somewhat relieved by my wife's voice, who renewed her supplications to be told why we came hither, and what was the fate of my sister.
"Horror overwhelmed me. The realization of my cowardice and rebellion gripped me, leaving me stiff and cold like marble. I was partially pulled from this state by my wife's voice, as she pleaded again to know why we came here and what had happened to my sister."
"What could I answer? My words were broken and inarticulate. Her fears naturally acquired force from the observation of these symptoms; but these fears were misplaced. The only inference she deduced from my conduct was, that some terrible mishap had befallen Clara.
"What could I say? My words were jumbled and hard to express. Her fears understandably grew stronger from noticing these signs; however, those fears were unfounded. The only conclusion she drew from my behavior was that something awful had happened to Clara."
"She wrung her hands, and exclaimed in an agony, "O tell me, where is she? What has become of her? Is she sick? Dead? Is she in her chamber? O let me go thither and know the worst!"
"She rubbed her hands anxiously and exclaimed in distress, 'Oh tell me, where is she? What happened to her? Is she sick? Dead? Is she in her room? Oh let me go there and find out the truth!'"
"This proposal set my thoughts once more in motion. Perhaps what my rebellious heart refused to perform here, I might obtain strength enough to execute elsewhere.
"This proposal got me thinking again. Maybe what my rebellious heart wouldn't let me do here, I could find the strength to accomplish somewhere else."
"Come then," said I, "let us go."
"Come on," I said, "let's go."
"I will, but not in the dark. We must first procure a light."
"I will, but not in the dark. We need to get some light first."
"Fly then and procure it; but I charge you, linger not. I will await for your return.
"Go and get it; but I urge you, don’t take too long. I’ll be waiting for your return."
"While she was gone, I strode along the entry. The fellness of a gloomy hurricane but faintly resembled the discord that reigned in my mind. To omit this sacrifice must not be; yet my sinews had refused to perform it. No alternative was offered. To rebel against the mandate was impossible; but obedience would render me the executioner of my wife. My will was strong, but my limbs refused their office.
"While she was away, I walked down the hallway. The harshness of a dark hurricane barely matched the turmoil in my mind. I couldn't ignore this sacrifice; yet my body refused to go through with it. There was no other option. Defying the order was not an option; but going along would make me the killer of my wife. My determination was strong, but my limbs wouldn’t cooperate."
"She returned with a light; I led the way to the chamber; she looked round her; she lifted the curtain of the bed; she saw nothing.
"She came back with a light; I guided her to the room; she glanced around; she pulled back the bed curtain; she found nothing."
"At length, she fixed inquiring eyes upon me. The light now enabled her to discover in my visage what darkness had hitherto concealed. Her cares were now transferred from my sister to myself, and she said in a tremulous voice, "Wieland! you are not well: What ails you? Can I do nothing for you?"
"Finally, she looked at me with curious eyes. The light now allowed her to see in my face what darkness had hidden before. Her worries shifted from my sister to me, and she asked in a shaky voice, 'Wieland! You don't look well: What’s wrong? Is there anything I can do for you?'"
"That accents and looks so winning should disarm me of my resolution, was to be expected. My thoughts were thrown anew into anarchy. I spread my hand before my eyes that I might not see her, and answered only by groans. She took my other hand between her's, and pressing it to her heart, spoke with that voice which had ever swayed my will, and wafted away sorrow.
"That her charm and beauty should weaken my resolve was to be expected. My thoughts spiraled back into chaos. I held my hand up to my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look at her, and could only respond with groans. She took my other hand in hers, pressed it to her heart, and spoke with that voice that had always influenced me and eased my sadness."
"My friend! my soul's friend! tell me thy cause of grief. Do I not merit to partake with thee in thy cares? Am I not thy wife?"
"My friend! my dear friend! tell me what's troubling you. Don't I deserve to share your burdens? Am I not your wife?"
"This was too much. I broke from her embrace, and retired to a corner of the room. In this pause, courage was once more infused into me. I resolved to execute my duty. She followed me, and renewed her passionate entreaties to know the cause of my distress.
"This was too much. I pulled away from her embrace and moved to a corner of the room. In that moment, I felt a surge of courage. I decided to fulfill my duty. She followed me and began again with her intense pleas to find out what was troubling me."
"I raised my head and regarded her with stedfast looks. I muttered something about death, and the injunctions of my duty. At these words she shrunk back, and looked at me with a new expression of anguish. After a pause, she clasped her hands, and exclaimed—
"I lifted my head and looked at her intently. I whispered something about death and the demands of my duty. At these words, she recoiled and stared at me with a fresh wave of anguish. After a moment, she brought her hands together and exclaimed—
"O Wieland! Wieland! God grant that I am mistaken; but surely something is wrong. I see it: it is too plain: thou art undone—lost to me and to thyself." At the same time she gazed on my features with intensest anxiety, in hope that different symptoms would take place. I replied to her with vehemence—
"O Wieland! Wieland! I hope I'm wrong; but there’s definitely something off. I can see it clearly: you’re in trouble—lost to me and to yourself." As she looked at my face with deep concern, she hoped to see some different signs. I answered her with intense emotion—
"Undone! No; my duty is known, and I thank my God that my cowardice is now vanquished, and I have power to fulfil it. Catharine! I pity the weakness of thy nature: I pity thee, but must not spare. Thy life is claimed from my hands: thou must die!"
"Finished! No; I know what I have to do, and I thank my God that my fear is gone, and I have the strength to carry it out. Catharine! I feel sorry for your weakness: I feel for you, but I can't hold back. Your life is in my hands: you must die!"
"Fear was now added to her grief. 'What mean you? Why talk you of death? Bethink yourself, Wieland: bethink yourself, and this fit will pass. O why came I hither! Why did you drag me hither?'
"Fear was now added to her grief. 'What do you mean? Why are you talking about death? Think about it, Wieland: think carefully, and this feeling will pass. Oh, why did I come here! Why did you bring me here?'"
"I brought thee hither to fulfil a divine command. I am appointed thy destroyer, and destroy thee I must." Saying this I seized her wrists. She shrieked aloud, and endeavoured to free herself from my grasp; but her efforts were vain.
"I brought you here to carry out a divine command. I am appointed as your destroyer, and I must destroy you." Saying this, I grabbed her wrists. She screamed loudly and tried to break free from my hold, but her efforts were in vain.
"Surely, surely Wieland, thou dost not mean it. Am I not thy wife? and wouldst thou kill me? Thou wilt not; and yet—I see—thou art Wieland no longer! A fury resistless and horrible possesses thee—Spare me—spare—help—help—"
"Surely, Wieland, you can't mean this. Am I not your wife? Would you really kill me? You wouldn't; and yet—I can see it—you are no longer the Wieland I knew! A terrible and uncontrollable rage has taken over you—Please, spare me—help—help—"
"Till her breath was stopped she shrieked for help—for mercy. When she could speak no longer, her gestures, her looks appealed to my compassion. My accursed hand was irresolute and tremulous. I meant thy death to be sudden, thy struggles to be brief. Alas! my heart was infirm; my resolves mutable. Thrice I slackened my grasp, and life kept its hold, though in the midst of pangs. Her eye-balls started from their sockets. Grimness and distortion took place of all that used to bewitch me into transport, and subdue me into reverence.
"Until her breath stopped, she screamed for help— for mercy. When she could no longer speak, her gestures and expressions pleaded for my compassion. My cursed hand shook and hesitated. I intended for your death to be quick, your struggles to be brief. Unfortunately, my heart was weak; my resolve changed. Three times I loosened my grip, and life clung on, even amid the pain. Her eyes bulged from their sockets. A grim and distorted look replaced everything that used to enchant me and command my respect."
"I was commissioned to kill thee, but not to torment thee with the foresight of thy death; not to multiply thy fears, and prolong thy agonies. Haggard, and pale, and lifeless, at length thou ceasedst to contend with thy destiny.
"I was ordered to kill you, but not to torture you with the knowledge of your death; not to increase your fears and drag out your suffering. Worn out, pale, and lifeless, you finally stopped fighting against your fate."
"This was a moment of triumph. Thus had I successfully subdued the stubbornness of human passions: the victim which had been demanded was given: the deed was done past recal.
"This was a moment of victory. I had successfully tamed the stubbornness of human emotions: the sacrifice that had been asked for was made: the action was done and couldn't be undone."
"I lifted the corpse in my arms and laid it on the bed. I gazed upon it with delight. Such was the elation of my thoughts, that I even broke into laughter. I clapped my hands and exclaimed, 'It is done! My sacred duty is fulfilled! To that I have sacrificed, O my God! thy last and best gift, my wife!'
"I picked up the body and placed it on the bed. I looked at it with joy. I was so overwhelmed with happiness that I even started laughing. I clapped my hands and shouted, 'It’s done! My sacred duty is complete! For that, I have sacrificed, oh my God! your greatest and final gift, my wife!'"
"For a while I thus soared above frailty. I imagined I had set myself forever beyond the reach of selfishness; but my imaginations were false. This rapture quickly subsided. I looked again at my wife. My joyous ebullitions vanished, and I asked myself who it was whom I saw? Methought it could not be Catharine. It could not be the woman who had lodged for years in my heart; who had slept, nightly, in my bosom; who had borne in her womb, who had fostered at her breast, the beings who called me father; whom I had watched with delight, and cherished with a fondness ever new and perpetually growing: it could not be the same.
"For a while, I felt like I was above weakness. I thought I had removed myself completely from selfishness, but that was just a false impression. This high feeling faded quickly. I looked at my wife again. My happiness disappeared, and I questioned who it was that I saw. I thought it couldn’t be Catharine. It couldn’t be the woman who had lived in my heart for years; who had slept next to me every night; who had carried our children and nursed them at her breast—the ones who called me father; whom I had watched with joy and loved with a growing affection that never faded: it couldn’t be the same person."
"Where was her bloom! These deadly and blood-suffused orbs but ill resemble the azure and exstatic tenderness of her eyes. The lucid stream that meandered over that bosom, the glow of love that was wont to sit upon that cheek, are much unlike these livid stains and this hideous deformity. Alas! these were the traces of agony; the gripe of the assassin had been here!
"Where was her beauty! These lifeless and blood-filled eyes do not resemble the bright and joyful tenderness of her gaze. The clear flow that used to grace that chest, the warmth of love that would sit upon that cheek, are nothing like these pale stains and this horrible disfigurement. Alas! these were the marks of suffering; the grip of the killer had been here!"
"I will not dwell upon my lapse into desperate and outrageous sorrow. The breath of heaven that sustained me was withdrawn and I sunk into MERE MAN. I leaped from the floor: I dashed my head against the wall: I uttered screams of horror: I panted after torment and pain. Eternal fire, and the bickerings of hell, compared with what I felt, were music and a bed of roses.
"I won’t linger on my fall into deep and extreme sorrow. The breath of heaven that kept me going was taken away and I fell into just being a MAN. I jumped up from the floor, I slammed my head against the wall, I let out screams of terror, and I craved torment and pain. Compared to what I felt, eternal fire and the chaos of hell were like music and a bed of roses."
"I thank my God that this degeneracy was transient, that he deigned once more to raise me aloft. I thought upon what I had done as a sacrifice to duty, and WAS CALM. My wife was dead; but I reflected, that though this source of human consolation was closed, yet others were still open. If the transports of an husband were no more, the feelings of a father had still scope for exercise. When remembrance of their mother should excite too keen a pang, I would look upon them, and BE COMFORTED.
"I thank my God that this decline was only temporary, that He allowed me to rise again. I considered what I had done as a duty, and I felt at peace. My wife was gone; but I thought about how, although that source of comfort was lost, there were still other sources available. While the joys of being a husband were no longer there, the feelings of a father still had room to grow. When memories of their mother caused too much pain, I would look at them and find solace."
"While I revolved these ideas, new warmth flowed in upon my heart—I was wrong. These feelings were the growth of selfishness. Of this I was not aware, and to dispel the mist that obscured my perceptions, a new effulgence and a new mandate were necessary.
"While I considered these ideas, a new warmth filled my heart—I was wrong. These feelings were a result of selfishness. I didn't realize this, and to clear the fog that clouded my understanding, I needed a fresh light and a new direction."
"From these thoughts I was recalled by a ray that was shot into the room. A voice spake like that which I had before heard—'Thou hast done well; but all is not done—the sacrifice is incomplete—thy children must be offered—they must perish with their mother!—'"
"From these thoughts, I was brought back by a beam of light that came into the room. A voice spoke like one I had heard before—'You have done well; but it’s not finished—the sacrifice isn’t complete—your children must be offered—they must die with their mother!—'"
Chapter XX
Will you wonder that I read no farther? Will you not rather be astonished that I read thus far? What power supported me through such a task I know not. Perhaps the doubt from which I could not disengage my mind, that the scene here depicted was a dream, contributed to my perseverance. In vain the solemn introduction of my uncle, his appeals to my fortitude, and allusions to something monstrous in the events he was about to disclose; in vain the distressful perplexity, the mysterious silence and ambiguous answers of my attendants, especially when the condition of my brother was the theme of my inquiries, were remembered. I recalled the interview with Wieland in my chamber, his preternatural tranquillity succeeded by bursts of passion and menacing actions. All these coincided with the tenor of this paper.
Will you be surprised that I didn’t read any further? Wouldn’t you be more amazed that I got this far? I don’t know what gave me the strength to get through it. Maybe the doubt that I couldn’t shake off—that the scene described was just a dream—helped me keep going. My uncle's serious introduction, his appeals to my strength, and references to something monstrous in the events he was about to reveal didn’t help at all; neither did the troubling confusion, the mysterious silence, and the vague answers from my attendants, especially when I was asking about my brother's condition. I thought back to my meeting with Wieland in my room, his unnatural calmness followed by bursts of anger and threatening behavior. All of this matched the tone of this document.
Catharine and her children, and Louisa were dead. The act that destroyed them was, in the highest degree, inhuman. It was worthy of savages trained to murder, and exulting in agonies.
Catharine, her children, and Louisa were dead. The act that killed them was incredibly inhumane. It was something you'd expect from savages who are trained to kill and revel in the suffering of others.
Who was the performer of the deed? Wieland! My brother! The husband and the father! That man of gentle virtues and invincible benignity! placable and mild—an idolator of peace! Surely, said I, it is a dream. For many days have I been vexed with frenzy. Its dominion is still felt; but new forms are called up to diversify and augment my torments.
Who did it? Wieland! My brother! The husband and the father! That man of kind virtues and unstoppable kindness! Easy-going and gentle—a lover of peace! Surely, I thought, this must be a dream. For many days, I've been troubled by madness. Its grip is still felt, but new shapes keep appearing to make my suffering more complex and intense.
The paper dropped from my hand, and my eyes followed it. I shrunk back, as if to avoid some petrifying influence that approached me. My tongue was mute; all the functions of nature were at a stand, and I sunk upon the floor lifeless. The noise of my fall, as I afterwards heard, alarmed my uncle, who was in a lower apartment, and whose apprehensions had detained him. He hastened to my chamber, and administered the assistance which my condition required. When I opened my eyes I beheld him before me. His skill as a reasoner as well as a physician, was exerted to obviate the injurious effects of this disclosure; but he had wrongly estimated the strength of my body or of my mind. This new shock brought me once more to the brink of the grave, and my malady was much more difficult to subdue than at first.
The paper fell from my hand, and I watched it drop. I recoiled, as if trying to escape some terrifying influence that was closing in on me. I was speechless; all my bodily functions froze, and I collapsed to the floor, unresponsive. The sound of my fall, as I later learned, startled my uncle, who was in another room and had been worried about me. He rushed to my room and provided the help I needed. When I opened my eyes, I saw him there. His skills as both a thinker and a doctor were put to work to counter the damaging effects of what I had just learned, but he had misjudged the strength of my body or mind. This new shock brought me back to the edge of death, and my condition was much harder to manage than it had been initially.
I will not dwell upon the long train of dreary sensations, and the hideous confusion of my understanding. Time slowly restored its customary firmness to my frame, and order to my thoughts. The images impressed upon my mind by this fatal paper were somewhat effaced by my malady. They were obscure and disjointed like the parts of a dream. I was desirous of freeing my imagination from this chaos. For this end I questioned my uncle, who was my constant companion. He was intimidated by the issue of his first experiment, and took pains to elude or discourage my inquiry. My impetuosity some times compelled him to have resort to misrepresentations and untruths.
I won’t focus on the long series of gloomy feelings and the awful confusion in my mind. Over time, I slowly regained my usual strength and clarity of thought. The images burned into my mind by this cursed paper were somewhat faded by my illness. They were unclear and fragmented, like the pieces of a dream. I wanted to free my imagination from this chaos. To achieve this, I asked my uncle, who was always with me. He felt overwhelmed by the outcome of his first experiment and tried hard to dodge or dissuade my questions. My eagerness sometimes forced him to resort to lies and falsehoods.
Time effected that end, perhaps, in a more beneficial manner. In the course of my meditations the recollections of the past gradually became more distinct. I revolved them, however, in silence, and being no longer accompanied with surprize, they did not exercise a death-dealing power. I had discontinued the perusal of the paper in the midst of the narrative; but what I read, combined with information elsewhere obtained, threw, perhaps, a sufficient light upon these detestable transactions; yet my curiosity was not inactive. I desired to peruse the remainder.
Time brought that conclusion, perhaps, in a more helpful way. As I reflected, the memories of the past became clearer. I thought about them quietly, and since I was no longer shocked, they didn't hold any destructive power over me. I had stopped reading the article in the middle of the story; however, what I had read, along with information I gathered elsewhere, shed some light on those awful events. Still, my curiosity was alive. I wanted to read the rest.
My eagerness to know the particulars of this tale was mingled and abated by my antipathy to the scene which would be disclosed. Hence I employed no means to effect my purpose. I desired knowledge, and, at the same time, shrunk back from receiving the boon.
My desire to learn the details of this story was mixed with and diminished by my dislike for the situation that would be revealed. So, I didn’t do anything to achieve my goal. I wanted to know, but at the same time, I hesitated to accept that gift.
One morning, being left alone, I rose from my bed, and went to a drawer where my finer clothing used to be kept. I opened it, and this fatal paper saluted my sight. I snatched it involuntarily, and withdrew to a chair. I debated, for a few minutes, whether I should open and read. Now that my fortitude was put to trial, it failed. I felt myself incapable of deliberately surveying a scene of so much horror. I was prompted to return it to its place, but this resolution gave way, and I determined to peruse some part of it. I turned over the leaves till I came near the conclusion. The narrative of the criminal was finished. The verdict of GUILTY reluctantly pronounced by the jury, and the accused interrogated why sentence of death should not pass. The answer was brief, solemn, and emphatical.
One morning, being left alone, I got out of bed and went to a drawer where I used to keep my nicer clothes. I opened it, and this dreadful paper caught my eye. I grabbed it without thinking and sat down in a chair. I spent a few minutes debating whether I should open and read it. Now that my courage was being tested, it failed me. I felt unable to face something so horrific. I was tempted to put it back, but then I changed my mind and decided to read at least part of it. I flipped through the pages until I got close to the end. The story of the criminal was complete. The jury had reluctantly declared a verdict of GUILTY, and the accused was asked why the death sentence should not be imposed. The answer was short, serious, and powerful.
"No. I have nothing to say. My tale has been told. My motives have been truly stated. If my judges are unable to discern the purity of my intentions, or to credit the statement of them, which I have just made; if they see not that my deed was enjoined by heaven; that obedience was the test of perfect virtue, and the extinction of selfishness and error, they must pronounce me a murderer.
"No. I have nothing to say. My story has been told. My motives have been clearly stated. If my judges can't recognize the purity of my intentions or accept what I just explained; if they can't see that my actions were commanded by a higher power, and that obedience was the true measure of perfect virtue, the end of selfishness and mistakes, then they will have to label me a murderer."
"They refuse to credit my tale; they impute my acts to the influence of daemons; they account me an example of the highest wickedness of which human nature is capable; they doom me to death and infamy. Have I power to escape this evil? If I have, be sure I will exert it. I will not accept evil at their hand, when I am entitled to good; I will suffer only when I cannot elude suffering.
"They refuse to believe my story; they attribute my actions to the influence of evil spirits; they see me as an example of the worst wickedness human nature can exhibit; they condemn me to death and disgrace. Do I have the power to escape this? If I do, you can be sure I will use it. I won’t accept misfortune from them when I deserve better; I will only endure suffering when there's no way to avoid it."
"You say that I am guilty. Impious and rash! thus to usurp the prerogatives of your Maker! to set up your bounded views and halting reason, as the measure of truth!
"You say that I'm guilty. How reckless and disrespectful! To take the rights of your Creator! To use your limited perspective and flawed reasoning as the standard for truth!
"Thou, Omnipotent and Holy! Thou knowest that my actions were conformable to thy will. I know not what is crime; what actions are evil in their ultimate and comprehensive tendency or what are good. Thy knowledge, as thy power, is unlimited. I have taken thee for my guide, and cannot err. To the arms of thy protection, I entrust my safety. In the awards of thy justice, I confide for my recompense.
"You, All-Powerful and Holy! You know that my actions align with your will. I don’t know what constitutes a crime; what actions are ultimately evil or what are good. Your knowledge, like your power, is limitless. I have taken you as my guide and cannot go wrong. I entrust my safety to your protection. I rely on your justice for my rewards."
"Come death when it will, I am safe. Let calumny and abhorrence pursue me among men; I shall not be defrauded of my dues. The peace of virtue, and the glory of obedience, will be my portion hereafter."
"Whenever death comes, I am secure. Let slander and hatred chase me among people; I will not be robbed of what I deserve. The peace of doing good and the honor of being obedient will be my reward in the future."
Here ended the speaker. I withdrew my eyes from the page; but before I had time to reflect on what I had read, Mr. Cambridge entered the room. He quickly perceived how I had been employed, and betrayed some solicitude respecting the condition of my mind.
Here the speaker finished. I looked away from the page, but before I could think about what I had just read, Mr. Cambridge walked into the room. He quickly noticed what I had been doing and showed some concern about how I was feeling.
His fears, however, were superfluous. What I had read, threw me into a state not easily described. Anguish and fury, however, had no part in it. My faculties were chained up in wonder and awe. Just then, I was unable to speak. I looked at my friend with an air of inquisitiveness, and pointed at the roll. He comprehended my inquiry, and answered me with looks of gloomy acquiescence. After some time, my thoughts found their way to my lips.
His fears, however, were unnecessary. What I had read left me in a state that's hard to describe. Anguish and fury had nothing to do with it. My mind was caught up in wonder and awe. At that moment, I couldn't speak. I looked at my friend with curiosity and pointed at the roll. He understood my question and responded with a look of gloomy agreement. After a while, my thoughts finally came out.
Such then were the acts of my brother. Such were his words. For this he was condemned to die: To die upon the gallows! A fate, cruel and unmerited! And is it so? continued I, struggling for utterance, which this new idea made difficult; is he—dead!
Such were my brother's actions. Such were his words. For this, he was sentenced to die: to die on the gallows! A fate, harsh and undeserved! And is it true? I asked, struggling to speak, as this new thought made it hard; is he—dead!
"No. He is alive. There could be no doubt as to the cause of these excesses. They originated in sudden madness; but that madness continues. and he is condemned to perpetual imprisonment."
"No. He is alive. There is no doubt about the reason for these excesses. They came from sudden madness; but that madness continues, and he is sentenced to eternal imprisonment."
"Madness, say you? Are you sure? Were not these sights, and these sounds, really seen and heard?"
"Madness, you say? Are you sure? Weren't these sights and sounds really seen and heard?"
My uncle was surprized at my question. He looked at me with apparent inquietude. "Can you doubt," said he, "that these were illusions? Does heaven, think you, interfere for such ends?"
My uncle was surprised by my question. He looked at me with clear unease. "Can you really doubt," he said, "that these were just illusions? Do you think heaven intervenes for such things?"
"O no; I think it not. Heaven cannot stimulate to such unheard-of outrage. The agent was not good, but evil."
"Oh no; I don't think so. Heaven can't encourage such unimaginable cruelty. The agent wasn't good, but evil."
"Nay, my dear girl," said my friend, "lay aside these fancies. Neither angel nor devil had any part in this affair."
"No, my dear girl," said my friend, "put aside these ideas. Neither angel nor devil had anything to do with this."
"You misunderstand me," I answered; "I believe the agency to be external and real, but not supernatural."
"You've got me wrong," I replied; "I think the agency is outside and real, but not supernatural."
"Indeed!" said he, in an accent of surprize. "Whom do you then suppose to be the agent?"
"Really!" he said, sounding surprised. "Who do you think the agent is?"
"I know not. All is wildering conjecture. I cannot forget Carwin. I cannot banish the suspicion that he was the setter of these snares. But how can we suppose it to be madness? Did insanity ever before assume this form?"
"I don't know. Everything is just wild guessing. I can't stop thinking about Carwin. I can't shake the suspicion that he set these traps. But how can we think it might be madness? Has insanity ever taken this form before?"
"Frequently. The illusion, in this case, was more dreadful in its consequences, than any that has come to my knowledge; but, I repeat that similar illusions are not rare. Did you never hear of an instance which occurred in your mother's family?"
"Often. In this case, the illusion was more terrifying in its consequences than any I know of; still, I say that similar illusions aren't uncommon. Have you never heard of an example that happened in your mother's family?"
"No. I beseech you relate it. My grandfather's death I have understood to have been extraordinary, but I know not in what respect. A brother, to whom he was much attached, died in his youth, and this, as I have heard, influenced, in some remarkable way, the fate of my grandfather; but I am unacquainted with particulars."
"No. Please tell me about it. I’ve heard my grandfather's death was extraordinary, but I don’t know how. A brother he was very close to died when they were young, and I’ve heard that this somehow affected my grandfather’s fate, but I’m not familiar with the details."
"On the death of that brother," resumed my friend, "my father was seized with dejection, which was found to flow from two sources. He not only grieved for the loss of a friend, but entertained the belief that his own death would be inevitably consequent on that of his brother. He waited from day to day in expectation of the stroke which he predicted was speedily to fall upon him. Gradually, however, he recovered his cheerfulness and confidence. He married, and performed his part in the world with spirit and activity. At the end of twenty-one years it happened that he spent the summer with his family at an house which he possessed on the sea coast in Cornwall. It was at no great distance from a cliff which overhung the ocean, and rose into the air to a great height. The summit was level and secure, and easily ascended on the land side. The company frequently repaired hither in clear weather, invited by its pure airs and extensive prospects. One evening in June my father, with his wife and some friends, chanced to be on this spot. Every one was happy, and my father's imagination seemed particularly alive to the grandeur of the scenery.
"After the death of that brother," my friend continued, "my father fell into a deep sadness, which came from two main reasons. He not only mourned the loss of a friend but also believed that his own death would inevitably follow his brother's. He waited day after day, expecting the blow he thought was about to hit him. Gradually, though, he regained his cheerfulness and confidence. He got married and engaged fully in life with energy and enthusiasm. After twenty-one years, he spent the summer with his family at a house he owned on the coast of Cornwall. It was located not far from a cliff that overlooked the ocean and rose high into the sky. The top was flat and safe, and it was easy to climb from the land side. The group often visited this spot in clear weather, drawn by its fresh air and wide views. One evening in June, my father, along with his wife and some friends, happened to be there. Everyone was in good spirits, and my father's imagination seemed especially tuned to the beauty of the scenery."
"Suddenly, however, his limbs trembled and his features betrayed alarm. He threw himself into the attitude of one listening. He gazed earnestly in a direction in which nothing was visible to his friends. This lasted for a minute; then turning to his companions, he told them that his brother had just delivered to him a summons, which must be instantly obeyed. He then took an hasty and solemn leave of each person, and, before their surprize would allow them to understand the scene, he rushed to the edge of the cliff, threw himself headlong, and was seen no more.
"Suddenly, though, his limbs shook and his face showed fear. He leaned in as if listening intently. He stared seriously in a direction where his friends couldn’t see anything. This went on for about a minute; then he turned to his companions and told them that his brother had just sent him a summons that needed to be followed immediately. He quickly and solemnly said goodbye to each person, and before their surprise could register, he dashed to the edge of the cliff, jumped off, and was never seen again."
"In the course of my practice in the German army, many cases, equally remarkable, have occurred. Unquestionably the illusions were maniacal, though the vulgar thought otherwise. They are all reducible to one class, [*] and are not more difficult of explication and cure than most affections of our frame."
"In my time with the German army, I encountered many equally remarkable cases. No doubt the illusions were maniacal, even though most people thought differently. They all fall into one category and are not any harder to explain or treat than many other conditions we face."
This opinion my uncle endeavoured, by various means, to impress upon me. I listened to his reasonings and illustrations with silent respect. My astonishment was great on finding proofs of an influence of which I had supposed there were no examples; but I was far from accounting for appearances in my uncle's manner. Ideas thronged into my mind which I was unable to disjoin or to regulate. I reflected that this madness, if madness it were, had affected Pleyel and myself as well as Wieland. Pleyel had heard a mysterious voice. I had seen and heard. A form had showed itself to me as well as to Wieland. The disclosure had been made in the same spot. The appearance was equally complete and equally prodigious in both instances. Whatever supposition I should adopt, had I not equal reason to tremble? What was my security against influences equally terrific and equally irresistable?
My uncle tried, in various ways, to get this opinion across to me. I listened to his arguments and examples with quiet respect. I was very surprised to find evidence of an influence I thought didn’t exist; however, I couldn't make sense of the way my uncle was acting. My mind was filled with ideas that I couldn't separate or organize. I considered that this madness, if it really was madness, had affected both Pleyel and me, just like it had Wieland. Pleyel had heard a mysterious voice. I had both seen and heard something. A figure had appeared to me just as it had to Wieland. The revelation took place in the same location. The sighting was equally complete and extraordinary in both cases. Whatever theory I considered, didn't I have just as much reason to be afraid? What was my safeguard against influences that were just as terrifying and just as unstoppable?
It would be vain to attempt to describe the state of mind which this idea produced. I wondered at the change which a moment had affected in my brother's condition. Now was I stupified with tenfold wonder in contemplating myself. Was I not likewise transformed from rational and human into a creature of nameless and fearful attributes? Was I not transported to the brink of the same abyss? Ere a new day should come, my hands might be embrued in blood, and my remaining life be consigned to a dungeon and chains.
It would be pointless to try to describe the state of mind that this idea created. I was amazed at the change a single moment made in my brother's condition. Now I was filled with even more wonder as I looked at myself. Hadn’t I also been changed from a rational human into a being with unknown and frightening qualities? Was I not on the edge of the same abyss? Before a new day arrived, my hands could be stained with blood, and my remaining life could be locked away in a dungeon with chains.
With moral sensibility like mine, no wonder that this new dread was more insupportable than the anguish I had lately endured. Grief carries its own antidote along with it. When thought becomes merely a vehicle of pain, its progress must be stopped. Death is a cure which nature or ourselves must administer: To this cure I now looked forward with gloomy satisfaction.
With a moral sensitivity like mine, it’s no surprise that this new fear was even harder to bear than the suffering I had just gone through. Grief comes with its own remedy. When thoughts turn into nothing but a source of pain, we have to put a stop to them. Death is a remedy that nature or we ourselves have to provide: I now faced this remedy with a dark sense of satisfaction.
My silence could not conceal from my uncle the state of my thoughts. He made unwearied efforts to divert my attention from views so pregnant with danger. His efforts, aided by time, were in some measure successful. Confidence in the strength of my resolution, and in the healthful state of my faculties, was once more revived. I was able to devote my thoughts to my brother's state, and the causes of this disasterous proceeding.
My silence couldn't hide my thoughts from my uncle. He tirelessly tried to distract me from ideas so full of danger. His efforts, along with time, were somewhat successful. I regained confidence in the strength of my resolve and in the clarity of my mind. I was able to focus on my brother's situation and the reasons behind this disastrous event.
My opinions were the sport of eternal change. Some times I conceived the apparition to be more than human. I had no grounds on which to build a disbelief. I could not deny faith to the evidence of my religion; the testimony of men was loud and unanimous: both these concurred to persuade me that evil spirits existed, and that their energy was frequently exerted in the system of the world.
My opinions were constantly changing. At times, I thought the ghost seemed more than human. I had no reason to doubt it. I couldn't reject the faith that my religion provided; the voices of men were loud and in agreement: both these convinced me that evil spirits existed and that their influence was often felt in the world.
These ideas connected themselves with the image of Carwin. Where is the proof, said I, that daemons may not be subjected to the controul of men? This truth may be distorted and debased in the minds of the ignorant. The dogmas of the vulgar, with regard to this subject, are glaringly absurd; but though these may justly be neglected by the wise, we are scarcely justified in totally rejecting the possibility that men may obtain supernatural aid.
These ideas were linked to the image of Carwin. "Where's the proof," I asked, "that demons can't be controlled by humans? This truth might be twisted and degraded in the minds of the uneducated. The common beliefs about this topic are obviously ridiculous; however, while wise individuals can rightfully ignore them, we can't completely dismiss the possibility that people can receive supernatural help.
The dreams of superstition are worthy of contempt. Witchcraft, its instruments and miracles, the compact ratified by a bloody signature, the apparatus of sulpherous smells and thundering explosions, are monstrous and chimerical. These have no part in the scene over which the genius of Carwin presides. That conscious beings, dissimilar from human, but moral and voluntary agents as we are, some where exist, can scarcely be denied. That their aid may be employed to benign or malignant purposes, cannot be disproved.
The dreams of superstition deserve to be looked down upon. Witchcraft, along with its tools and tricks, the agreements sealed with blood, the mix of sulfur smells and loud explosions, are all bizarre and fake. These have no place in the world overseen by the genius of Carwin. It's hard to deny that there are conscious beings, different from humans but still moral and capable of making choices. It's also undeniable that their help can be used for good or evil purposes.
Darkness rests upon the designs of this man. The extent of his power is unknown; but is there not evidence that it has been now exerted?
Darkness surrounds this man's plans. The full range of his power is unclear, but isn't there proof that it has been used now?
I recurred to my own experience. Here Carwin had actually appeared upon the stage; but this was in a human character. A voice and a form were discovered; but one was apparently exerted, and the other disclosed, not to befriend, but to counteract Carwin's designs. There were tokens of hostility, and not of alliance, between them. Carwin was the miscreant whose projects were resisted by a minister of heaven. How can this be reconciled to the stratagem which ruined my brother? There the agency was at once preternatural and malignant.
I thought back to my own experiences. Here, Carwin had actually stepped onto the scene, but as a human. A voice and a figure were revealed; however, one seemed to be working against Carwin’s plans, rather than supporting them. There were signs of animosity, not partnership, between them. Carwin was the villain whose schemes were thwarted by a messenger of heaven. How can this be reconciled with the trickery that destroyed my brother? There, the involvement was both unnatural and evil.
The recollection of this fact led my thoughts into a new channel. The malignity of that influence which governed my brother had hitherto been no subject of doubt. His wife and children were destroyed; they had expired in agony and fear; yet was it indisputably certain that their murderer was criminal? He was acquitted at the tribunal of his own conscience; his behaviour at his trial and since, was faithfully reported to me; appearances were uniform; not for a moment did he lay aside the majesty of virtue; he repelled all invectives by appealing to the deity, and to the tenor of his past life; surely there was truth in this appeal: none but a command from heaven could have swayed his will; and nothing but unerring proof of divine approbation could sustain his mind in its present elevation.
The memory of this fact took my thoughts in a new direction. The evil influence that controlled my brother had always been clear. His wife and children were gone; they had died in pain and fear; yet was it undeniably true that their killer was guilty? He was cleared in his own mind; his behavior during the trial and afterward was thoroughly reported to me; all appearances were consistent; he never once dropped the facade of virtue; he deflected all accusations by appealing to God and the record of his past life; there had to be some truth in this appeal: only a command from above could have driven his will; and only undeniable proof of divine approval could keep his mind at such a high state.
* Mania Mutabilis. See Darwin's Zoonomia, vol. ii. Class III. 1.2. where similar cases are stated.
* Mania Mutabilis. See Darwin's Zoonomia, vol. ii. Class III. 1.2. where similar cases are discussed.
Chapter XXI
Such, for some time, was the course of my meditations. My weakness, and my aversion to be pointed at as an object of surprize or compassion, prevented me from going into public. I studiously avoided the visits of those who came to express their sympathy, or gratify their curiosity. My uncle was my principal companion. Nothing more powerfully tended to console me than his conversation.
For a while, this is how I occupied my thoughts. My vulnerability and my dislike of being seen as an object of surprise or pity kept me from going out. I carefully avoided visits from those who came to show their sympathy or satisfy their curiosity. My uncle was my main companion. Nothing helped me feel better more than our conversations.
With regard to Pleyel, my feelings seemed to have undergone a total revolution. It often happens that one passion supplants another. Late disasters had rent my heart, and now that the wound was in some degree closed, the love which I had cherished for this man seemed likewise to have vanished.
As for Pleyel, my feelings appeared to have completely changed. It's common for one passion to replace another. Recent heartbreaks had torn me apart, and now that the pain was somewhat healed, the love I had for this man also seemed to have disappeared.
Hitherto, indeed, I had had no cause for despair. I was innocent of that offence which had estranged him from my presence. I might reasonably expect that my innocence would at some time be irresistably demonstrated, and his affection for me be revived with his esteem. Now my aversion to be thought culpable by him continued, but was unattended with the same impatience. I desired the removal of his suspicions, not for the sake of regaining his love, but because I delighted in the veneration of so excellent a man, and because he himself would derive pleasure from conviction of my integrity.
Until now, I really had no reason to feel hopeless. I was innocent of the wrongdoing that had driven him away from me. I could reasonably expect that my innocence would eventually be clearly proven, and that his affection for me would return along with his respect. My dislike of being seen as guilty by him remained, but it didn’t bother me as much. I wanted to clear his suspicions, not to win back his love, but because I took joy in the respect of such a remarkable man, and I knew he would also find happiness in recognizing my honesty.
My uncle had early informed me that Pleyel and he had seen each other, since the return of the latter from Europe. Amidst the topics of their conversation, I discovered that Pleyel had carefully omitted the mention of those events which had drawn upon me so much abhorrence. I could not account for his silence on this subject. Perhaps time or some new discovery had altered or shaken his opinion. Perhaps he was unwilling, though I were guilty, to injure me in the opinion of my venerable kinsman. I understood that he had frequently visited me during my disease, had watched many successive nights by my bedside, and manifested the utmost anxiety on my account.
My uncle had told me early on that Pleyel and he had seen each other since Pleyel got back from Europe. In their conversations, I found out that Pleyel had deliberately avoided talking about the events that had caused me such distress. I couldn't figure out why he was silent on that topic. Maybe time or something new had changed or shaken his views. Maybe he didn't want to harm my reputation in front of my respected relative, even if I was at fault. I learned that he had often visited me while I was sick, had stayed by my bedside through many long nights, and had shown great concern for my well-being.
The journey which he was preparing to take, at the termination of our last interview, the catastrophe of the ensuing night induced him to delay. The motives of this journey I had, till now, totally mistaken. They were explained to me by my uncle, whose tale excited my astonishment without awakening my regret. In a different state of mind, it would have added unspeakably to my distress, but now it was more a source of pleasure than pain. This, perhaps, is not the least extraordinary of the facts contained in this narrative. It will excite less wonder when I add, that my indifference was temporary, and that the lapse of a few days shewed me that my feelings were deadened for a time, rather than finally extinguished.
The journey he was getting ready to take at the end of our last conversation was postponed because of the disaster that occurred that night. I had completely misunderstood the reasons for this journey until my uncle explained them to me. His story surprised me but didn’t make me feel regret. In a different frame of mind, it would have greatly increased my distress, but right now it felt more like a source of pleasure than pain. This might be one of the more unusual points in this story. You might find it less surprising when I mention that my indifference was temporary, and after a few days, I realized that my feelings were just numbed for a while, rather than permanently gone.
Theresa de Stolberg was alive. She had conceived the resolution of seeking her lover in America. To conceal her flight, she had caused the report of her death to be propagated. She put herself under the conduct of Bertrand, the faithful servant of Pleyel. The pacquet which the latter received from the hands of his servant, contained the tidings of her safe arrival at Boston, and to meet her there was the purpose of his journey.
Theresa de Stolberg was alive. She had decided to find her lover in America. To cover up her escape, she had spread the news of her death. She entrusted her journey to Bertrand, the loyal servant of Pleyel. The package that Pleyel received from his servant contained the news of her safe arrival in Boston, which was the reason for his trip.
This discovery had set this man's character in a new light. I had mistaken the heroism of friendship for the phrenzy of love. He who had gained my affections, may be supposed to have previously entitled himself to my reverence; but the levity which had formerly characterized the behaviour of this man, tended to obscure the greatness of his sentiments. I did not fail to remark, that since this lady was still alive, the voice in the temple which asserted her death, must either have been intended to deceive, or have been itself deceived. The latter supposition was inconsistent with the notion of a spiritual, and the former with that of a benevolent being.
This discovery had changed how I viewed this man's character. I had confused the bravery of friendship with the madness of love. He who had earned my affection must have previously deserved my respect, but the lightheartedness that used to define his behavior obscured the depth of his feelings. I couldn’t help but notice that since this lady was still alive, the voice in the temple claiming she was dead must have either been meant to deceive or was itself misled. The latter idea didn’t fit the concept of a spiritual being, while the former didn’t align with the idea of a benevolent one.
When my disease abated, Pleyel had forborne his visits, and had lately set out upon this journey. This amounted to a proof that my guilt was still believed by him. I was grieved for his errors, but trusted that my vindication would, sooner or later, be made.
When my illness got better, Pleyel stopped coming to see me and had just recently left for this journey. This showed that he still thought I was guilty. I felt sad about his mistakes, but I believed that my innocence would eventually be proven.
Meanwhile, tumultuous thoughts were again set afloat by a proposal made to me by my uncle. He imagined that new airs would restore my languishing constitution, and a varied succession of objects tend to repair the shock which my mind had received. For this end, he proposed to me to take up my abode with him in France or Italy.
Meanwhile, my uncle's proposal stirred up my restless thoughts again. He believed that a change of scenery would help revive my weakening health, and that experiencing different sights would help heal the blow my mind had taken. To achieve this, he suggested that I come live with him in France or Italy.
At a more prosperous period, this scheme would have pleased for its own sake. Now my heart sickened at the prospect of nature. The world of man was shrowded in misery and blood, and constituted a loathsome spectacle. I willingly closed my eyes in sleep, and regretted that the respite it afforded me was so short. I marked with satisfaction the progress of decay in my frame, and consented to live, merely in the hope that the course of nature would speedily relieve me from the burthen. Nevertheless, as he persisted in his scheme, I concurred in it merely because he was entitled to my gratitude, and because my refusal gave him pain.
At a more successful time, this idea would have been satisfying on its own. Now, though, I felt sick at the thought of nature. The human world was clouded with suffering and violence, making it a disgusting sight. I gladly closed my eyes to sleep and wished that this break was longer. I noticed with some satisfaction the decline of my body and agreed to keep living only in the hope that nature would soon free me from this burden. Still, since he kept pushing his plan, I went along with it just because I owed him my thanks and because saying no would hurt him.
No sooner was he informed of my consent, than he told me I must make immediate preparation to embark, as the ship in which he had engaged a passage would be ready to depart in three days. This expedition was unexpected. There was an impatience in his manner when he urged the necessity of dispatch that excited my surprize. When I questioned him as to the cause of this haste, he generally stated reasons which, at that time, I could not deny to be plausible; but which, on the review, appeared insufficient. I suspected that the true motives were concealed, and believed that these motives had some connection with my brother's destiny.
As soon as he heard that I agreed, he told me I had to get ready to leave right away because the ship he had booked would be set to sail in three days. This trip came out of nowhere. There was an urgency in the way he pressed the need to hurry that surprised me. When I asked him why we had to rush, he usually gave reasons that seemed reasonable at the time, but later on, I felt they were not enough. I suspected that the real reasons were hidden and thought that they were somehow tied to my brother's fate.
I now recollected that the information respecting Wieland which had, from time to time, been imparted to me, was always accompanied with airs of reserve and mysteriousness. What had appeared sufficiently explicit at the time it was uttered, I now remembered to have been faltering and ambiguous. I was resolved to remove my doubts, by visiting the unfortunate man in his dungeon.
I now remembered that the information about Wieland that had been shared with me over time always came with a sense of secrecy and mystery. What had seemed clear at the time it was said now struck me as hesitant and unclear. I was determined to clear my doubts by visiting the unfortunate man in his dungeon.
Heretofore the idea of this visit had occurred to me; but the horrors of his dwelling-place, his wild yet placid physiognomy, his neglected locks, the fetters which constrained his limbs, terrible as they were in description, how could I endure to behold!
Up until now, the idea of this visit had crossed my mind; but the horrors of his home, his wild yet calm appearance, his unkempt hair, the chains that bound his limbs—terrible as they sounded in description—how could I bear to see it!
Now, however, that I was preparing to take an everlasting farewell of my country, now that an ocean was henceforth to separate me from him, how could I part without an interview? I would examine his situation with my own eyes. I would know whether the representations which had been made to me were true. Perhaps the sight of the sister whom he was wont to love with a passion more than fraternal, might have an auspicious influence on his malady.
Now, as I was getting ready to say a final goodbye to my country, and with an ocean now set to separate me from him, how could I leave without seeing him one last time? I wanted to check on his condition myself. I needed to know if what I had been told was true. Maybe seeing the sister he used to care for with a love deeper than just familial would have a positive effect on his illness.
Having formed this resolution, I waited to communicate it to Mr. Cambridge. I was aware that, without his concurrence, I could not hope to carry it into execution, and could discover no objection to which it was liable. If I had not been deceived as to his condition, no inconvenience could arise from this proceeding. His consent, therefore, would be the test of his sincerity.
Having made this decision, I waited to share it with Mr. Cambridge. I knew that without his agreement, I couldn’t hope to follow through, and I found no objections to it. If I had not been mistaken about his situation, there wouldn’t be any issues with this plan. His approval, then, would be the measure of his honesty.
I seized this opportunity to state my wishes on this head. My suspicions were confirmed by the manner in which my request affected him. After some pause, in which his countenance betrayed every mark of perplexity, he said to me, "Why would you pay this visit? What useful purpose can it serve?"
I took this chance to express my thoughts on this matter. My doubts were confirmed by how my request impacted him. After a moment of hesitation, during which his face showed clear signs of confusion, he asked me, "Why would you come here? What good will it do?"
"We are preparing," said I, "to leave the country forever: What kind of being should I be to leave behind me a brother in calamity without even a parting interview? Indulge me for three minutes in the sight of him. My heart will be much easier after I have looked at him, and shed a few tears in his presence."
"We're getting ready," I said, "to leave the country for good. What kind of person would I be to leave a brother in trouble without even saying goodbye? Please, just let me see him for three minutes. I'll feel so much better after I've looked at him and shed a few tears in his presence."
"I believe otherwise. The sight of him would only augment your distress, without contributing, in any degree, to his benefit."
"I think differently. Seeing him would only increase your distress, without helping him at all."
"I know not that," returned I. "Surely the sympathy of his sister, proofs that her tenderness is as lively as ever, must be a source of satisfaction to him. At present he must regard all mankind as his enemies and calumniators. His sister he, probably, conceives to partake in the general infatuation, and to join in the cry of abhorrence that is raised against him. To be undeceived in this respect, to be assured that, however I may impute his conduct to delusion, I still retain all my former affection for his person, and veneration for the purity of his motives, cannot but afford him pleasure. When he hears that I have left the country, without even the ceremonious attention of a visit, what will he think of me? His magnanimity may hinder him from repining, but he will surely consider my behaviour as savage and unfeeling. Indeed, dear Sir, I must pay this visit. To embark with you without paying it, will be impossible. It may be of no service to him, but will enable me to acquit myself of what I cannot but esteem a duty. Besides," continued I, "if it be a mere fit of insanity that has seized him, may not my presence chance to have a salutary influence? The mere sight of me, it is not impossible, may rectify his perceptions."
"I don’t know about that," I replied. "Surely his sister's support, proof that her caring is just as strong as ever, must make him feel better. Right now, he must see everyone as his enemies and slanderers. He probably thinks his sister is caught up in the general madness and is joining the voices condemning him. To find out the truth in this regard, to be assured that even though I may blame his actions on confusion, I still have all my old feelings for him and admiration for the purity of his intentions, can't help but bring him some joy. When he learns that I've left the country without even the courtesy of a visit, what will he think of me? His nobility may keep him from being upset, but he will definitely see my behavior as cruel and unkind. Indeed, dear Sir, I must make this visit. Leaving with you without doing so will be impossible. It may not help him, but it will allow me to fulfill what I can’t help but consider a duty. Besides," I continued, "if this is just a moment of madness he’s going through, might my presence have a positive effect? The simple sight of me might, hopefully, help correct his perceptions."
"Ay," said my uncle, with some eagerness; "it is by no means impossible that your interview may have that effect; and for that reason, beyond all others, would I dissuade you from it."
"Yeah," my uncle said, a bit eagerly; "it’s definitely not impossible that your meeting could have that impact, and for that reason, more than any other, I would advise you against it."
I expressed my surprize at this declaration. "Is it not to be desired that an error so fatal as this should be rectified?"
I expressed my surprise at this statement. "Isn't it important that such a serious mistake be corrected?"
"I wonder at your question. Reflect on the consequences of this error. Has he not destroyed the wife whom he loved, the children whom he idolized? What is it that enables him to bear the remembrance, but the belief that he acted as his duty enjoined? Would you rashly bereave him of this belief? Would you restore him to himself, and convince him that he was instigated to this dreadful outrage by a perversion of his organs, or a delusion from hell?
"I’m surprised by your question. Think about the impact of this mistake. Hasn’t he destroyed the wife he loved and the children he admired? What allows him to handle the memories, if not the belief that he did what he had to? Would you thoughtlessly take away this belief? Would you bring him back to reality and make him realize that he was driven to this terrible act by a twist in his mind or a trick from hell?"
"Now his visions are joyous and elate. He conceives himself to have reached a loftier degree of virtue, than any other human being. The merit of his sacrifice is only enhanced in the eyes of superior beings, by the detestation that pursues him here, and the sufferings to which he is condemned. The belief that even his sister has deserted him, and gone over to his enemies, adds to his sublimity of feelings, and his confidence in divine approbation and future recompense.
"Now his visions are joyful and uplifting. He believes he has attained a higher level of virtue than anyone else. The value of his sacrifice is only enhanced in the eyes of higher beings by the hatred he faces here and the suffering he endures. The belief that even his sister has abandoned him and joined his enemies adds to his feelings of grandeur and boosts his confidence in divine approval and future rewards."
"Let him be undeceived in this respect, and what floods of despair and of horror will overwhelm him! Instead of glowing approbation and serene hope, will he not hate and torture himself? Self-violence, or a phrenzy far more savage and destructive than this, may be expected to succeed. I beseech you, therefore, to relinquish this scheme. If you calmly reflect upon it, you will discover that your duty lies in carefully shunning him."
"Let him be clear about this, and what waves of despair and horror will hit him! Instead of feeling praised and hopeful, won't he just end up hating and tormenting himself? We can expect that he'll resort to self-harm or a much more savage and destructive frenzy. So, I urge you to abandon this plan. If you think about it calmly, you'll see that your responsibility is to avoid him at all costs."
Mr. Cambridge's reasonings suggested views to my understanding, that had not hitherto occurred. I could not but admit their validity, but they shewed, in a new light, the depth of that misfortune in which my brother was plunged. I was silent and irresolute.
Mr. Cambridge's arguments introduced ideas to my understanding that I hadn't considered before. I couldn't help but acknowledge their validity, but they highlighted, in a new way, the extent of the misfortune my brother was experiencing. I felt quiet and uncertain.
Presently, I considered, that whether Wieland was a maniac, a faithful servant of his God, the victim of hellish illusions, or the dupe of human imposture, was by no means certain. In this state of my mind it became me to be silent during the visit that I projected. This visit should be brief: I should be satisfied merely to snatch a look at him. Admitting that a change in his opinions were not to be desired, there was no danger from the conduct which I should pursue, that this change should be wrought.
Right now, I thought about whether Wieland was crazy, a devoted servant of his God, a victim of horrifying illusions, or just fooled by human deception. With these thoughts in mind, it seemed best for me to stay quiet during the visit I planned. This visit would be short; I just wanted to catch a glimpse of him. Even if a change in his beliefs wasn't something to want, there was no risk in my approach that would lead to such a change.
But I could not conquer my uncle's aversion to this scheme. Yet I persisted, and he found that to make me voluntarily relinquish it, it was necessary to be more explicit than he had hitherto been. He took both my hands, and anxiously examining my countenance as he spoke, "Clara," said he, "this visit must not be paid. We must hasten with the utmost expedition from this shore. It is folly to conceal the truth from you, and, since it is only by disclosing the truth that you can be prevailed upon to lay aside this project, the truth shall be told.
But I couldn’t change my uncle's dislike for this plan. Still, I kept pushing, and he realized that to get me to give it up willingly, he had to be clearer than he had been before. He took both my hands and, looking worried as he spoke, said, “Clara, we can’t go through with this visit. We need to leave this place as quickly as possible. It’s pointless to hide the truth from you, and since I can only persuade you to drop this idea by being honest, I will tell you the truth.
"O my dear girl!" continued he with increasing energy in his accent, "your brother's phrenzy is, indeed, stupendous and frightful. The soul that formerly actuated his frame has disappeared. The same form remains; but the wise and benevolent Wieland is no more. A fury that is rapacious of blood, that lifts his strength almost above that of mortals, that bends all his energies to the destruction of whatever was once dear to him, possesses him wholly.
"O my dear girl!" he continued with growing intensity in his voice, "your brother's madness is truly overwhelming and terrifying. The spirit that once animated his body has vanished. The same body remains; but the kind and thoughtful Wieland is gone. He is completely taken over by a rage that craves blood, that elevates his power almost beyond that of humans, and that focuses all his strength on destroying everything he once cherished."
"You must not enter his dungeon; his eyes will no sooner be fixed upon you, than an exertion of his force will be made. He will shake off his fetters in a moment, and rush upon you. No interposition will then be strong or quick enough to save you.
"You shouldn’t go into his dungeon; the moment he locks his gaze on you, he’ll unleash his power. He’ll break free from his chains in an instant and charge at you. No barrier will be strong or fast enough to protect you."
"The phantom that has urged him to the murder of Catharine and her children is not yet appeased. Your life, and that of Pleyel, are exacted from him by this imaginary being. He is eager to comply with this demand. Twice he has escaped from his prison. The first time, he no sooner found himself at liberty, than he hasted to Pleyel's house. It being midnight, the latter was in bed. Wieland penetrated unobserved to his chamber, and opened his curtain. Happily, Pleyel awoke at the critical moment, and escaped the fury of his kinsman, by leaping from his chamber-window into the court. Happily, he reached the ground without injury. Alarms were given, and after diligent search, your brother was found in a chamber of your house, whither, no doubt, he had sought you. His chains, and the watchfulness of his guards, were redoubled; but again, by some miracle, he restored himself to liberty. He was now incautiously apprized of the place of your abode: and had not information of his escape been instantly given, your death would have been added to the number of his atrocious acts.
The ghost that has pushed him to murder Catharine and her children isn’t satisfied yet. It wants your life and Pleyel's as offerings. He’s eager to meet this demand. He’s already escaped from his prison twice. The first time, as soon as he was free, he rushed to Pleyel's house. It was midnight, and Pleyel was in bed. Wieland slipped quietly into his room and pulled back the curtain. Luckily, Pleyel woke up just in time and managed to escape his furious relative by jumping out the window into the courtyard. Fortunately, he landed safely. There was a commotion, and after a thorough search, your brother was found in a room in your house, where he had likely gone to find you. His chains were tightened, and the guards kept a closer watch on him, but somehow, he managed to escape again. He was now inadvertently informed of where you lived; if word of his escape hadn’t reached you right away, your death would have been added to his terrible deeds.
"You now see the danger of your project. You must not only forbear to visit him, but if you would save him from the crime of embruing his hands in your blood, you must leave the country. There is no hope that his malady will end but with his life, and no precaution will ensure your safety, but that of placing the ocean between you.
"You can now see the danger of your project. You must not only avoid visiting him, but if you want to save him from the crime of getting your blood on his hands, you have to leave the country. There’s no hope that his illness will end except with his life, and no precaution will ensure your safety other than putting the ocean between you."
"I confess I came over with an intention to reside among you, but these disasters have changed my views. Your own safety and my happiness require that you should accompany me in my return, and I entreat you to give your cheerful concurrence to this measure."
"I admit I came here planning to stay with you, but these events have changed my mind. Your safety and my happiness mean that you need to come back with me, and I sincerely ask you to agree to this."
After these representations from my uncle, it was impossible to retain my purpose. I readily consented to seclude myself from Wieland's presence. I likewise acquiesced in the proposal to go to Europe; not that I ever expected to arrive there, but because, since my principles forbad me to assail my own life, change had some tendency to make supportable the few days which disease should spare to me.
After my uncle's words, I couldn't hold on to my decision. I easily agreed to stay away from Wieland. I also went along with the idea of going to Europe; not that I thought I would actually get there, but because, since my beliefs prevented me from taking my own life, a change of scenery might help make the few days that illness left to me more bearable.
What a tale had thus been unfolded! I was hunted to death, not by one whom my misconduct had exasperated, who was conscious of illicit motives, and who sought his end by circumvention and surprize; but by one who deemed himself commissioned for this act by heaven; who regarded this career of horror as the last refinement of virtue; whose implacability was proportioned to the reverence and love which he felt for me, and who was inaccessible to the fear of punishment and ignominy!
What a story had been revealed! I was driven to death, not by someone my actions had angered, who understood their wrongful motives and who aimed to achieve their goal through trickery and surprise; but by someone who believed they were appointed for this deed by a higher power; who saw this path of terror as the ultimate expression of virtue; whose relentless pursuit matched the respect and love they had for me, and who was immune to the fear of punishment and disgrace!
In vain should I endeavour to stay his hand by urging the claims of a sister or friend: these were his only reasons for pursuing my destruction. Had I been a stranger to his blood; had I been the most worthless of human kind; my safety had not been endangered.
In vain would I try to stop him by pointing out the claims of a sister or friend: those were his only reasons for wanting to destroy me. If I had been a stranger to him; if I had been the most worthless person alive; my safety wouldn’t have been at risk.
Surely, said I, my fate is without example. The phrenzy which is charged upon my brother, must belong to myself. My foe is manacled and guarded; but I derive no security from these restraints. I live not in a community of savages; yet, whether I sit or walk, go into crouds, or hide myself in solitude, my life is marked for a prey to inhuman violence; I am in perpetual danger of perishing; of perishing under the grasp of a brother!
Surely, I said, my fate is unlike any other. The madness that has overtaken my brother must be mine as well. My enemy is chained and watched, but I find no safety in those restraints. I don't live among savages; yet, whether I sit or walk, mingle in crowds, or hide in solitude, my life is targeted for brutal violence; I am constantly at risk of dying; of dying at the hands of my brother!
I recollected the omens of this destiny; I remembered the gulf to which my brother's invitation had conducted me; I remembered that, when on the brink of danger, the author of my peril was depicted by my fears in his form: Thus realized, were the creatures of prophetic sleep, and of wakeful terror!
I recalled the signs of this fate; I remembered the abyss my brother's invitation had led me to; I remembered that, when I was on the edge of danger, I envisioned the source of my fear in his image: This was how the beings of prophetic dreams and awake fright manifested!
These images were unavoidably connected with that of Carwin. In this paroxysm of distress, my attention fastened on him as the grand deceiver; the author of this black conspiracy; the intelligence that governed in this storm.
These images were inevitably linked to Carwin. In this moment of distress, I fixated on him as the ultimate deceiver; the mastermind behind this dark plot; the force that controlled this chaos.
Some relief is afforded in the midst of suffering, when its author is discovered or imagined; and an object found on which we may pour out our indignation and our vengeance. I ran over the events that had taken place since the origin of our intercourse with him, and reflected on the tenor of that description which was received from Ludloe. Mixed up with notions of supernatural agency, were the vehement suspicions which I entertained, that Carwin was the enemy whose machinations had destroyed us.
Some comfort comes in the middle of suffering when we find out who caused it or even just think we know. It gives us something to direct our anger and desire for revenge towards. I reviewed everything that had happened since we first met him and considered the way Ludloe had described him. Along with the ideas of supernatural forces, I couldn't shake the strong suspicion that Carwin was the one behind the schemes that had brought us down.
I thirsted for knowledge and for vengeance. I regarded my hasty departure with reluctance, since it would remove me from the means by which this knowledge might be obtained, and this vengeance gratified. This departure was to take place in two days. At the end of two days I was to bid an eternal adieu to my native country. Should I not pay a parting visit to the scene of these disasters? Should I not bedew with my tears the graves of my sister and her children? Should I not explore their desolate habitation, and gather from the sight of its walls and furniture food for my eternal melancholy?
I craved knowledge and revenge. I looked back on my quick departure with regret, knowing it would take me away from the chance to gain that knowledge and fulfill that revenge. This departure was happening in two days. After two days, I would say a final goodbye to my home country. Shouldn’t I take a last visit to the place where these tragedies occurred? Shouldn’t I shed tears at the graves of my sister and her children? Shouldn’t I check out their empty home and gather from the sight of its walls and belongings fuel for my endless sadness?
This suggestion was succeeded by a secret shuddering. Some disastrous influence appeared to overhang the scene. How many memorials should I meet with serving to recall the images of those I had lost!
This suggestion was followed by a secret shiver. A terrible influence seemed to loom over the scene. How many reminders would I encounter that brought back memories of those I had lost!
I was tempted to relinquish my design, when it occurred to me that I had left among my papers a journal of transactions in shorthand. I was employed in this manuscript on that night when Pleyel's incautious curiosity tempted him to look over my shoulder. I was then recording my adventure in THE RECESS, an imperfect sight of which led him into such fatal errors.
I considered giving up my plan when I remembered that I had a shorthand journal among my papers. I was working on this manuscript that night when Pleyel's careless curiosity got the better of him, and he looked over my shoulder. At that moment, I was documenting my experience in THE RECESS, an incomplete glimpse of which led him into such disastrous mistakes.
I had regulated the disposition of all my property. This manuscript, however, which contained the most secret transactions of my life, I was desirous of destroying. For this end I must return to my house, and this I immediately determined to do.
I had organized all my property. However, this manuscript, which contained the most private details of my life, I wanted to destroy. To do this, I needed to go back to my house, and I quickly decided to do just that.
I was not willing to expose myself to opposition from my friends, by mentioning my design; I therefore bespoke the use of Mr. Hallet's chaise, under pretence of enjoying an airing, as the day was remarkably bright.
I didn’t want to face any opposition from my friends by bringing up my plan, so I arranged to use Mr. Hallet’s carriage, pretending I just wanted to go for a ride since the day was really bright.
This request was gladly complied with, and I directed the servant to conduct me to Mettingen. I dismissed him at the gate, intending to use, in returning, a carriage belonging to my brother.
This request was happily agreed to, and I instructed the servant to take me to Mettingen. I let him go at the gate, planning to use my brother's carriage for the return trip.
Chapter XXII
The inhabitants of the HUT received me with a mixture of joy and surprize. Their homely welcome, and their artless sympathy, were grateful to my feelings. In the midst of their inquiries, as to my health, they avoided all allusions to the source of my malady. They were honest creatures, and I loved them well. I participated in the tears which they shed when I mentioned to them my speedy departure for Europe, and promised to acquaint them with my welfare during my long absence.
The people in the HUT welcomed me with a mix of joy and surprise. Their warm greeting and genuine sympathy were comforting to me. Amid their questions about my health, they steered clear of mentioning the cause of my illness. They were sincere individuals, and I cared for them deeply. I shared in their tears when I told them about my upcoming trip to Europe and promised to keep them updated on how I was doing during my long absence.
They expressed great surprize when I informed them of my intention to visit my cottage. Alarm and foreboding overspread their features, and they attempted to dissuade me from visiting an house which they firmly believed to be haunted by a thousand ghastly apparitions.
They were really surprised when I told them I planned to visit my cottage. Alarm and worry spread across their faces, and they tried to talk me out of going to a house they were convinced was haunted by a thousand frightening ghosts.
These apprehensions, however, had no power over my conduct. I took an irregular path which led me to my own house. All was vacant and forlorn. A small enclosure, near which the path led, was the burying-ground belonging to the family. This I was obliged to pass. Once I had intended to enter it, and ponder on the emblems and inscriptions which my uncle had caused to be made on the tombs of Catharine and her children; but now my heart faltered as I approached, and I hastened forward, that distance might conceal it from my view.
These worries, however, had no impact on my behavior. I took a winding path that led me to my home. Everything was empty and desolate. A small area near the path was the family burial ground. I had to pass by it. Once, I had planned to go inside and reflect on the symbols and inscriptions that my uncle had made on the graves of Catharine and her children; but now my heart sank as I got closer, so I hurried past to put some distance between me and it.
When I approached the recess, my heart again sunk. I averted my eyes, and left it behind me as quickly as possible. Silence reigned through my habitation, and a darkness which closed doors and shutters produced. Every object was connected with mine or my brother's history. I passed the entry, mounted the stair, and unlocked the door of my chamber. It was with difficulty that I curbed my fancy and smothered my fears. Slight movements and casual sounds were transformed into beckoning shadows and calling shapes.
When I got close to the recess, my heart sank again. I looked away and hurried past it as fast as I could. Silence filled my home, and a darkness from closed doors and shutters settled in. Every object reminded me of my or my brother's past. I walked by the entrance, went up the stairs, and unlocked my bedroom door. I struggled to keep my imagination in check and push down my fears. Little movements and random sounds turned into inviting shadows and shapes that seemed to call out.
I proceeded to the closet. I opened and looked round it with fearfulness. All things were in their accustomed order. I sought and found the manuscript where I was used to deposit it. This being secured, there was nothing to detain me; yet I stood and contemplated awhile the furniture and walls of my chamber. I remembered how long this apartment had been a sweet and tranquil asylum; I compared its former state with its present dreariness, and reflected that I now beheld it for the last time.
I went to the closet. I opened it and looked around with anxiety. Everything was in its usual place. I searched and found the manuscript where I typically kept it. With that secured, there was nothing keeping me there; still, I paused to take in the furniture and walls of my room. I recalled how long this space had been a lovely and peaceful refuge; I compared how it used to be with its current gloom, realizing that I was seeing it for the last time.
Here it was that the incomprehensible behaviour of Carwin was witnessed: this the stage on which that enemy of man shewed himself for a moment unmasked. Here the menaces of murder were wafted to my ear; and here these menaces were executed.
Here it was that Carwin's confusing behavior was seen: this was the stage where that enemy of mankind revealed himself for a moment without his disguise. Here, the threats of murder were whispered in my ear; and here those threats were carried out.
These thoughts had a tendency to take from me my self-command. My feeble limbs refused to support me, and I sunk upon a chair. Incoherent and half-articulate exclamations escaped my lips. The name of Carwin was uttered, and eternal woes, woes like that which his malice had entailed upon us, were heaped upon him. I invoked all-seeing heaven to drag to light and to punish this betrayer, and accused its providence for having thus long delayed the retribution that was due to so enormous a guilt.
These thoughts often made me lose my self-control. My weak body couldn’t hold me up, and I collapsed into a chair. I let out jumbled and half-formed cries. I spoke Carwin's name, and endless sorrows, sorrows like those his malice had caused us, were directed at him. I called on all-seeing heaven to reveal and punish this traitor, and I blamed its providence for taking so long to deliver the justice that such a massive guilt deserved.
I have said that the window shutters were closed. A feeble light, however, found entrance through the crevices. A small window illuminated the closet, and the door being closed, a dim ray streamed through the key-hole. A kind of twilight was thus created, sufficient for the purposes of vision; but, at the same time, involving all minuter objects in obscurity.
I mentioned that the window shutters were shut. However, a weak light managed to seep in through the cracks. A small window lit up the closet, and with the door closed, a faint beam came through the keyhole. This created a sort of twilight that was enough for seeing, but still left all the smaller details in darkness.
This darkness suited the colour of my thoughts. I sickened at the remembrance of the past. The prospect of the future excited my loathing. I muttered in a low voice, Why should I live longer? Why should I drag a miserable being? All, for whom I ought to live, have perished. Am I not myself hunted to death?
This darkness matched the color of my thoughts. I felt ill just thinking about the past. The idea of the future filled me with disgust. I whispered quietly, "Why should I keep living? Why should I continue this miserable existence? Everyone I should be living for is gone. Am I not being hunted to death myself?"
At that moment, my despair suddenly became vigorous. My nerves were no longer unstrung. My powers, that had long been deadened, were revived. My bosom swelled with a sudden energy, and the conviction darted through my mind, that to end my torments was, at once, practicable and wise.
At that moment, my despair suddenly transformed into determination. My nerves were no longer frayed. My abilities, which had long been dulled, came back to life. A rush of energy surged within me, and the thought raced through my mind that ending my suffering was both achievable and the smart thing to do.
I knew how to find way to the recesses of life. I could use a lancet with some skill, and could distinguish between vein and artery. By piercing deep into the latter, I should shun the evils which the future had in store for me, and take refuge from my woes in quiet death.
I knew how to navigate the depths of life. I could use a lancet with some skill and could tell the difference between a vein and an artery. By piercing deep into the artery, I could avoid the troubles that awaited me and find peace from my pain in quiet death.
I started on my feet, for my feebleness was gone, and hasted to the closet. A lancet and other small instruments were preserved in a case which I had deposited here. Inattentive as I was to foreign considerations, my ears were still open to any sound of mysterious import that should occur. I thought I heard a step in the entry. My purpose was suspended, and I cast an eager glance at my chamber door, which was open. No one appeared, unless the shadow which I discerned upon the floor, was the outline of a man. If it were, I was authorized to suspect that some one was posted close to the entrance, who possibly had overheard my exclamations.
I got to my feet, feeling stronger, and hurried to the closet. A lancet and some other small tools were kept in a case I had put here. Even though I was distracted by my own thoughts, I still listened for any sound that might be important. I thought I heard a step in the hallway. My plans were put on hold as I eagerly glanced at my open bedroom door. No one came in, but I thought I saw a shadow on the floor that looked like the outline of a man. If it was, then I had reason to believe someone was standing by the entrance, possibly having overheard my outbursts.
My teeth chattered, and a wild confusion took place of my momentary calm. Thus it was when a terrific visage had disclosed itself on a former night. Thus it was when the evil destiny of Wieland assumed the lineaments of something human. What horrid apparition was preparing to blast my sight?
My teeth chattered, and a wild confusion replaced my brief moment of calm. It was the same way when a terrifying face revealed itself on a previous night. It was the same way when Wieland's terrible fate took on the features of something human. What horrifying apparition was about to ruin my vision?
Still I listened and gazed. Not long, for the shadow moved; a foot, unshapely and huge, was thrust forward; a form advanced from its concealment, and stalked into the room. It was Carwin! While I had breath I shrieked. While I had power over my muscles, I motioned with my hand that he should vanish. My exertions could not last long; I sunk into a fit.
Still I listened and stared. Not for long, because the shadow shifted; a huge, misshapen foot stepped forward; a figure emerged from hiding and entered the room. It was Carwin! As long as I could breathe, I screamed. As long as I had control over my muscles, I gestured with my hand for him to disappear. My strength couldn’t hold out much longer; I collapsed into a fit.
O that this grateful oblivion had lasted for ever! Too quickly I recovered my senses. The power of distinct vision was no sooner restored to me, than this hateful form again presented itself, and I once more relapsed.
O that this grateful forgetfulness had lasted forever! I regained my senses too quickly. No sooner had I regained my ability to see clearly than that hateful figure appeared again, and I fell back into despair once more.
A second time, untoward nature recalled me from the sleep of death. I found myself stretched upon the bed. When I had power to look up, I remembered only that I had cause to fear. My distempered fancy fashioned to itself no distinguishable image. I threw a languid glance round me; once more my eyes lighted upon Carwin.
A second time, an unkind fate woke me from the sleep of death. I found myself lying on the bed. When I was able to look up, I only remembered that I had reasons to be afraid. My troubled mind couldn’t create a clear image. I took a tired glance around me; once again, my eyes landed on Carwin.
He was seated on the floor, his back rested against the wall, his knees were drawn up, and his face was buried in his hands. That his station was at some distance, that his attitude was not menacing, that his ominous visage was concealed, may account for my now escaping a shock, violent as those which were past. I withdrew my eyes, but was not again deserted by my senses.
He was sitting on the floor, his back against the wall, his knees pulled up, and his face buried in his hands. The fact that he was some distance away, that his posture wasn’t threatening, and that his intimidating features were hidden might explain why I didn’t feel as shocked this time, even though the past shocks had been intense. I turned my gaze away, but my senses didn’t leave me again.
On perceiving that I had recovered my sensibility, he lifted his head. This motion attracted my attention. His countenance was mild, but sorrow and astonishment sat upon his features. I averted my eyes and feebly exclaimed—"O! fly—fly far and for ever!—I cannot behold you and live!"
On seeing that I had regained my senses, he raised his head. This movement caught my attention. His face was gentle, but sadness and shock were evident in his expression. I turned my gaze away and weakly said, “Oh! Run—run far away and never come back!—I can’t bear to see you and survive!”
He did not rise upon his feet, but clasped his hands, and said in a tone of deprecation—"I will fly. I am become a fiend, the sight of whom destroys. Yet tell me my offence! You have linked curses with my name; you ascribe to me a malice monstrous and infernal. I look around; all is loneliness and desert! This house and your brother's are solitary and dismantled! You die away at the sight of me! My fear whispers that some deed of horror has been perpetrated; that I am the undesigning cause."
He didn’t stand up but clasped his hands and said in a tone of regret, “I will take flight. I’ve become a monster, the sight of whom brings destruction. But tell me what I did wrong! You’ve attached curses to my name; you blame me for a terrible and evil malice. I look around, and all I see is loneliness and desolation! This house and your brother’s are empty and falling apart! You wither at the sight of me! My fear tells me that some horrific act has been committed; that I am the unintended cause.”
What language was this? Had he not avowed himself a ravisher? Had not this chamber witnessed his atrocious purposes? I besought him with new vehemence to go.
What language was this? Hadn't he admitted that he was a predator? Hadn't this room seen his terrible intentions? I pleaded with him more urgently to leave.
He lifted his eyes—"Great heaven! what have I done? I think I know the extent of my offences. I have acted, but my actions have possibly effected more than I designed. This fear has brought me back from my retreat. I come to repair the evil of which my rashness was the cause, and to prevent more evil. I come to confess my errors."
He lifted his eyes—"Oh my God! What have I done? I think I understand the full impact of my mistakes. I took action, but my actions may have had unintended consequences. This fear has brought me back from hiding. I’m here to fix the damage my impulsiveness caused and to stop any further harm. I’m here to admit my mistakes."
"Wretch!" I cried when my suffocating emotions would permit me to speak, "the ghosts of my sister and her children, do they not rise to accuse thee? Who was it that blasted the intellects of Wieland? Who was it that urged him to fury, and guided him to murder? Who, but thou and the devil, with whom thou art confederated?"
"Wretch!" I shouted when my overwhelming emotions finally let me speak, "Don’t the ghosts of my sister and her children rise up to accuse you? Who destroyed Wieland's mind? Who pushed him into a rage and led him to kill? Who, but you and the devil, with whom you’re in league?"
At these words a new spirit pervaded his countenance. His eyes once more appealed to heaven. "If I have memory, if I have being, I am innocent. I intended no ill; but my folly, indirectly and remotely, may have caused it; but what words are these! Your brother lunatic! His children dead!"
At these words, a new energy filled his expression. His eyes again looked up to heaven. "If I have memory, if I exist, I am innocent. I meant no harm; but my foolishness, indirectly and far away, might have caused it; but what are these words! Your brother is insane! His children are dead!"
What should I infer from this deportment? Was the ignorance which these words implied real or pretended?—Yet how could I imagine a mere human agency in these events? But if the influence was preternatural or maniacal in my brother's case, they must be equally so in my own. Then I remembered that the voice exerted, was to save me from Carwin's attempts. These ideas tended to abate my abhorrence of this man, and to detect the absurdity of my accusations.
What should I take from this behavior? Was the ignorance suggested by these words genuine or fake?—But how could I think that only human actions were behind these events? If the influence was supernatural or insane in my brother's situation, it must have been the same for me. Then I recalled that the voice I heard was trying to protect me from Carwin's efforts. These thoughts helped lessen my hatred for this man and made me realize how ridiculous my accusations were.
"Alas!" said I, "I have no one to accuse. Leave me to my fate. Fly from a scene stained with cruelty; devoted to despair."
"Alas!" I said, "I have no one to blame. Just leave me to my fate. Get away from a place tainted with cruelty; filled with despair."
Carwin stood for a time musing and mournful. At length he said, "What has happened? I came to expiate my crimes: let me know them in their full extent. I have horrible forebodings! What has happened?"
Carwin stood for a while, deep in thought and sorrowful. Finally, he said, "What has happened? I came to atone for my wrongs: please tell me everything. I have terrible feelings! What has happened?"
I was silent; but recollecting the intimation given by this man when he was detected in my closet, which implied some knowledge of that power which interfered in my favor, I eagerly inquired, "What was that voice which called upon me to hold when I attempted to open the closet? What face was that which I saw at the bottom of the stairs? Answer me truly."
I was quiet; but remembering what this guy said when he caught me in my closet, which hinted at some awareness of the force that helped me, I eagerly asked, "What was that voice that told me to stop when I tried to open the closet? What face did I see at the bottom of the stairs? Please answer me honestly."
"I came to confess the truth. Your allusions are horrible and strange. Perhaps I have but faint conceptions of the evils which my infatuation has produced; but what remains I will perform. It was my VOICE that you heard! It was my FACE that you saw!"
"I've come to confess the truth. Your hints are terrible and weird. Maybe I only have a vague idea of the harm my obsession has caused; but whatever is left, I'll handle it. It was my VOICE that you heard! It was my FACE that you saw!"
For a moment I doubted whether my remembrance of events were not confused. How could he be at once stationed at my shoulder and shut up in my closet? How could he stand near me and yet be invisible? But if Carwin's were the thrilling voice and the fiery visage which I had heard and seen, then was he the prompter of my brother, and the author of these dismal outrages.
For a moment, I wondered if I was mixing up my memories. How could he be standing right next to me and also locked away in my closet? How could he be close to me yet invisible? But if it was Carwin's thrilling voice and fiery appearance that I had heard and seen, then he must be the one guiding my brother and responsible for these terrible acts.
Once more I averted my eyes and struggled for speech. "Begone! thou man of mischief! Remorseless and implacable miscreant! begone!"
Once again, I turned away and fought for words. "Get lost! You troublemaker! Heartless and unyielding villain! Get lost!"
"I will obey," said he in a disconsolate voice; "yet, wretch as I am, am I unworthy to repair the evils that I have committed? I came as a repentant criminal. It is you whom I have injured, and at your bar am I willing to appear, and confess and expiate my crimes. I have deceived you: I have sported with your terrors: I have plotted to destroy your reputation. I come now to remove your errors; to set you beyond the reach of similar fears; to rebuild your fame as far as I am able.
"I'll do what you say," he said in a sad voice. "But, as miserable as I am, am I not worthy of making up for the wrongs I've done? I came here as a sorry criminal. It's you I've hurt, and I'm ready to stand before you, confess and make amends for my wrongdoings. I've lied to you; I've played with your fears; I've schemed to ruin your reputation. I'm here now to correct your misunderstandings; to free you from similar fears; to restore your good name as much as I can."
"This is the amount of my guilt, and this the fruit of my remorse. Will you not hear me? Listen to my confession, and then denounce punishment. All I ask is a patient audience."
"This is how much guilt I carry, and this is the result of my regret. Will you not listen to me? Hear my confession, and then decide on punishment. All I ask for is your patience."
"What!" I replied, "was not thine the voice that commanded my brother to imbrue his hands in the blood of his children—to strangle that angel of sweetness his wife? Has he not vowed my death, and the death of Pleyel, at thy bidding? Hast thou not made him the butcher of his family; changed him who was the glory of his species into worse than brute; robbed him of reason, and consigned the rest of his days to fetters and stripes?"
"What!" I replied, "wasn't it your voice that ordered my brother to stain his hands with the blood of his children—to strangle that sweet angel, his wife? Hasn't he sworn to kill me and Pleyel, all at your command? Haven't you turned him into the butcher of his own family; transformed him from the pride of his kind into something worse than a beast; stripped him of his sanity, and doomed the rest of his days to chains and suffering?"
Carwin's eyes glared, and his limbs were petrified at this intelligence. No words were requisite to prove him guiltless of these enormities: at the time, however, I was nearly insensible to these exculpatory tokens. He walked to the farther end of the room, and having recovered some degree of composure, he spoke—
Carwin's eyes were fierce, and he seemed frozen at this news. No words were needed to show that he wasn't guilty of these terrible acts; but at that moment, I was almost numb to these signs of his innocence. He walked to the other side of the room, and after regaining some of his composure, he spoke—
"I am not this villain; I have slain no one; I have prompted none to slay; I have handled a tool of wonderful efficacy without malignant intentions, but without caution; ample will be the punishment of my temerity, if my conduct has contributed to this evil." He paused.—
"I am not this villain; I haven't killed anyone; I haven't encouraged anyone to kill; I have used a tool with remarkable effectiveness without harmful intentions, but without care; I will face plenty of punishment for my recklessness if my actions have played a part in this tragedy." He paused.—
I likewise was silent. I struggled to command myself so far as to listen to the tale which he should tell. Observing this, he continued—
I was quiet too. I tried to hold myself together enough to listen to the story he was about to tell. Noticing this, he went on—
"You are not apprized of the existence of a power which I possess. I know not by what name to call it. [*] It enables me to mimic exactly the voice of another, and to modify the sound so that it shall appear to come from what quarter, and be uttered at what distance I please.
"You aren't aware of a power I have. I'm not sure what to call it. [*] It allows me to perfectly imitate someone else's voice and adjust the sound so that it seems to come from any direction and be spoken at any distance I want."
"I know not that every one possesses this power. Perhaps, though a casual position of my organs in my youth shewed me that I possessed it, it is an art which may be taught to all. Would to God I had died unknowing of the secret! It has produced nothing but degradation and calamity.
"I don’t think everyone has this ability. Maybe the way my body was positioned when I was young revealed to me that I had it, but it’s a skill that can be taught to anyone. I wish I had died without knowing the secret! It has brought nothing but decline and disaster."
"For a time the possession of so potent and stupendous an endowment elated me with pride. Unfortified by principle, subjected to poverty, stimulated by headlong passions, I made this powerful engine subservient to the supply of my wants, and the gratification of my vanity. I shall not mention how diligently I cultivated this gift, which seemed capable of unlimited improvement; nor detail the various occasions on which it was successfully exerted to lead superstition, conquer avarice, or excite awe.
"For a while, having such a powerful and incredible talent filled me with pride. Without strong principles, facing poverty, and driven by overwhelming emotions, I used this amazing ability to meet my needs and satisfy my vanity. I won’t go into how hard I worked to develop this gift, which seemed like it could improve endlessly; nor will I detail the many times I effectively used it to challenge superstition, overcome greed, or inspire awe."
"I left America, which is my native soil, in my youth. I have been engaged in various scenes of life, in which my peculiar talent has been exercised with more or less success. I was finally betrayed by one who called himself my friend, into acts which cannot be justified, though they are susceptible of apology.
"I left America, my homeland, when I was young. I have been involved in various aspects of life, where my unique talent has been used with varying degrees of success. Eventually, I was deceived by someone who pretended to be my friend, leading me to actions that can’t be justified, even if they can be excused."
"The perfidy of this man compelled me to withdraw from Europe. I returned to my native country, uncertain whether silence and obscurity would save me from his malice. I resided in the purlieus of the city. I put on the garb and assumed the manners of a clown.
"The betrayal of this man forced me to leave Europe. I went back to my home country, not sure if staying quiet and out of sight would protect me from his spite. I lived on the outskirts of the city. I dressed like a fool and acted like one too."
"My chief recreation was walking. My principal haunts were the lawns and gardens of Mettingen. In this delightful region the luxuriances of nature had been chastened by judicious art, and each successive contemplation unfolded new enchantments.
"My main pastime was walking. My favorite spots were the lawns and gardens of Mettingen. In this beautiful area, the richness of nature had been refined by thoughtful design, and each time I took it all in, I discovered new wonders."
"I was studious of seclusion: I was satiated with the intercourse of mankind, and discretion required me to shun their intercourse. For these reasons I long avoided the observation of your family, and chiefly visited these precincts at night.
"I valued my solitude: I was tired of interacting with people, and it seemed wise to keep my distance from them. Because of this, I often stayed away from your family and mostly came to these areas at night."
"I was never weary of admiring the position and ornaments of THE TEMPLE. Many a night have I passed under its roof, revolving no pleasing meditations. When, in my frequent rambles, I perceived this apartment was occupied, I gave a different direction to my steps. One evening, when a shower had just passed, judging by the silence that no one was within, I ascended to this building. Glancing carelessly round, I perceived an open letter on the pedestal. To read it was doubtless an offence against politeness. Of this offence, however, I was guilty.
"I never got tired of admiring the location and decor of THE TEMPLE. Many nights, I spent time under its roof, lost in uninteresting thoughts. During my frequent walks, when I noticed this room was occupied, I would change my path. One evening, after a rain shower and sensing from the silence that nobody was inside, I went up to the building. Casually looking around, I spotted an open letter on the pedestal. Reading it was definitely a breach of etiquette. Still, I went ahead and did it."
"Scarcely had I gone half through when I was alarmed by the approach of your brother. To scramble down the cliff on the opposite side was impracticable. I was unprepared to meet a stranger. Besides the aukwardness attending such an interview in these circumstances, concealment was necessary to my safety. A thousand times had I vowed never again to employ the dangerous talent which I possessed; but such was the force of habit and the influence of present convenience, that I used this method of arresting his progress and leading him back to the house, with his errand, whatever it was, unperformed. I had often caught parts, from my station below, of your conversation in this place, and was well acquainted with the voice of your sister.
"Just as I was getting halfway through, I got startled by the sound of your brother coming. It was impossible to climb down the cliff on the other side. I wasn’t ready to face a stranger. Besides the awkwardness of that situation, I needed to hide for my own safety. I had promised myself countless times that I would never again use my dangerous skill; but the power of habit and the need for convenience made me use it to stop him and guide him back to the house, leaving whatever errand he had undone. I had often caught snippets of your conversations from where I was below and was very familiar with your sister's voice."
"Some weeks after this I was again quietly seated in this recess. The lateness of the hour secured me, as I thought, from all interruption. In this, however, I was mistaken, for Wieland and Pleyel, as I judged by their voices, earnest in dispute, ascended the hill.
Some weeks later, I found myself comfortably settled in this spot again. I thought the late hour would keep me from being disturbed. However, I was wrong, as I soon heard Wieland and Pleyel, who sounded serious and in an argument, coming up the hill.
"I was not sensible that any inconvenience could possibly have flowed from my former exertion; yet it was followed with compunction, because it was a deviation from a path which I had assigned to myself. Now my aversion to this means of escape was enforced by an unauthorized curiosity, and by the knowledge of a bushy hollow on the edge of the hill, where I should be safe from discovery. Into this hollow I thrust myself.
"I didn't think that any trouble could come from my earlier effort; however, I felt guilty because it was a step away from the path I had set for myself. My dislike for this way out was intensified by an uninvited curiosity and by the awareness of a overgrown hollow at the hill's edge, where I'd be hidden from sight. I pushed myself into this hollow."
"The propriety of removal to Europe was the question eagerly discussed. Pleyel intimated that his anxiety to go was augmented by the silence of Theresa de Stolberg. The temptation to interfere in this dispute was irresistible. In vain I contended with inveterate habits. I disguised to myself the impropriety of my conduct, by recollecting the benefits which it might produce. Pleyel's proposal was unwise, yet it was enforced with plausible arguments and indefatigable zeal. Your brother might be puzzled and wearied, but could not be convinced. I conceived that to terminate the controversy in favor of the latter was conferring a benefit on all parties. For this end I profited by an opening in the conversation, and assured them of Catharine's irreconcilable aversion to the scheme, and of the death of the Saxon baroness. The latter event was merely a conjecture, but rendered extremely probable by Pleyel's representations. My purpose, you need not be told, was effected.
"The appropriateness of moving to Europe was a topic everyone was excited to discuss. Pleyel hinted that his eagerness to go was intensified by Theresa de Stolberg's silence. The urge to get involved in this issue was too strong to resist. Despite my best efforts to overcome my long-standing habits, I convinced myself that my actions were justified by the potential benefits they could bring. Pleyel's suggestion was not wise, yet he backed it up with convincing arguments and relentless enthusiasm. Your brother might have been confused and exhausted, but he couldn't be persuaded. I believed that resolving the disagreement in favor of the latter would benefit everyone involved. To achieve this, I took advantage of a moment in the conversation and informed them about Catharine's deep opposition to the plan and the passing of the Saxon baroness. The latter was merely a guess, but it seemed highly likely given Pleyel's descriptions. You don't need me to tell you that I achieved my goal."
"My passion for mystery, and a species of imposture, which I deemed harmless, was thus awakened afresh. This second lapse into error made my recovery more difficult. I cannot convey to you an adequate idea of the kind of gratification which I derived from these exploits; yet I meditated nothing. My views were bounded to the passing moment, and commonly suggested by the momentary exigence.
"My love for mystery and a kind of harmless deception was reignited. This second mistake made it harder for me to bounce back. I can't express how much satisfaction I got from these adventures; still, I had no grand plans. My focus was on the present and usually shaped by what was immediately needed."
"I must not conceal any thing. Your principles teach you to abhor a voluptuous temper; but, with whatever reluctance, I acknowledge this temper to be mine. You imagine your servant Judith to be innocent as well as beautiful; but you took her from a family where hypocrisy, as well as licentiousness, was wrought into a system. My attention was captivated by her charms, and her principles were easily seen to be flexible.
"I can't hide anything. Your beliefs tell you to despise a self-indulgent nature; but, as much as I hate to admit it, that nature is mine. You think your servant Judith is both innocent and beautiful; but you got her from a family where hypocrisy and promiscuity were woven into their way of life. I was drawn in by her looks, and it was clear that her principles were quite adaptable."
"Deem me not capable of the iniquity of seduction. Your servant is not destitute of feminine and virtuous qualities; but she was taught that the best use of her charms consists in the sale of them. My nocturnal visits to Mettingen were now prompted by a double view, and my correspondence with your servant gave me, at all times, access to your house.
"Don’t think I’m capable of the wrongdoing of seduction. I may not lack feminine and virtuous qualities, but I was taught that the best way to use my charms is to sell them. My late-night visits to Mettingen were now driven by two motives, and my communication with you allowed me constant access to your house."
"The second night after our interview, so brief and so little foreseen by either of us, some daemon of mischief seized me. According to my companion's report, your perfections were little less than divine. Her uncouth but copious narratives converted you into an object of worship. She chiefly dwelt upon your courage, because she herself was deficient in that quality. You held apparitions and goblins in contempt. You took no precautions against robbers. You were just as tranquil and secure in this lonely dwelling, as if you were in the midst of a crowd. Hence a vague project occurred to me, to put this courage to the test. A woman capable of recollection in danger, of warding off groundless panics, of discerning the true mode of proceeding, and profiting by her best resources, is a prodigy. I was desirous of ascertaining whether you were such an one.
The second night after our interview, which was so brief and unexpected for both of us, I was suddenly taken by a mischievous impulse. According to what my friend said, your qualities were almost divine. Her awkward but detailed stories turned you into someone to be admired. She focused mainly on your bravery because she lacked that trait herself. You dismissed ghosts and monsters. You didn’t take any precautions against thieves. You were just as calm and secure in that isolated place as if you were in a bustling crowd. So I got the vague idea to test this bravery. A woman who can stay calm in danger, fend off unfounded fears, recognize the right way to act, and make the most of her best qualities is truly remarkable. I wanted to find out if you were one of those women.
"My expedient was obvious and simple: I was to counterfeit a murderous dialogue; but this was to be so conducted that another, and not yourself, should appear to be the object. I was not aware of the possibility that you should appropriate these menaces to yourself. Had you been still and listened, you would have heard the struggles and prayers of the victim, who would likewise have appeared to be shut up in the closet, and whose voice would have been Judith's. This scene would have been an appeal to your compassion; and the proof of cowardice or courage which I expected from you, would have been your remaining inactive in your bed, or your entering the closet with a view to assist the sufferer. Some instances which Judith related of your fearlessness and promptitude made me adopt the latter supposition with some degree of confidence.
"My plan was clear and straightforward: I was going to fake a deadly conversation, but it was supposed to make it seem like someone else, not you, was the target. I didn’t realize you might take those threats as directed at yourself. If you had stayed quiet and listened, you would have heard the struggles and pleas of the victim, who would have seemed to be trapped in the closet, and whose voice would have been Judith’s. This scene would have appealed to your compassion, and the test of your bravery or cowardice that I anticipated from you would be whether you stayed in bed or went into the closet to help the person in distress. Some examples Judith shared about your bravery and quickness gave me enough confidence to lean toward the latter assumption."
"By the girl's direction I found a ladder, and mounted to your closet window. This is scarcely large enough to admit the head, but it answered my purpose too well.
"Following the girl's instructions, I found a ladder and climbed up to your closet window. It's barely big enough to fit my head, but it worked perfectly for what I needed."
"I cannot express my confusion and surprize at your abrupt and precipitate flight. I hastily removed the ladder; and, after some pause, curiosity and doubts of your safety induced me to follow you. I found you stretched on the turf before your brother's door, without sense or motion. I felt the deepest regret at this unlooked-for consequence of my scheme. I knew not what to do to procure you relief. The idea of awakening the family naturally presented itself. This emergency was critical, and there was no time to deliberate. It was a sudden thought that occurred. I put my lips to the key-hole, and sounded an alarm which effectually roused the sleepers. My organs were naturally forcible, and had been improved by long and assiduous exercise.
I can't express how confused and surprised I am by your sudden and hasty departure. I quickly took down the ladder and, after a moment, my curiosity and worry about your safety pushed me to follow you. I found you lying on the grass in front of your brother's door, motionless and unresponsive. I felt deep regret about this unexpected outcome of my plan. I didn't know what to do to help you. The idea of waking up the family immediately came to mind. This was an urgent situation, and there wasn't time to think it over. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision. I pressed my lips to the keyhole and shouted an alarm that successfully woke up the sleepers. My voice was naturally strong and had been sharpened by long and dedicated practice.
"Long and bitterly did I repent of my scheme. I was somewhat consoled by reflecting that my purpose had not been evil, and renewed my fruitless vows never to attempt such dangerous experiments. For some time I adhered, with laudable forbearance, to this resolution.
"for a long time, I regretted my plan deeply. I felt a bit better knowing that my intentions weren’t bad, and I made more empty promises to myself to never try such risky experiments again. For a while, I stayed committed to this resolution with commendable patience."
"My life has been a life of hardship and exposure. In the summer I prefer to make my bed of the smooth turf, or, at most, the shelter of a summer-house suffices. In all my rambles I never found a spot in which so many picturesque beauties and rural delights were assembled as at Mettingen. No corner of your little domain unites fragrance and secrecy in so perfect a degree as the recess in the bank. The odour of its leaves, the coolness of its shade, and the music of its water-fall, had early attracted my attention. Here my sadness was converted into peaceful melancholy—here my slumbers were sound, and my pleasures enhanced.
"My life has been filled with struggles and challenges. In the summer, I prefer to sleep on the smooth grass, or sometimes just hanging out in a summer house is enough. During my walks, I never found a place that combines so many beautiful sights and rural joys as Mettingen. No part of your little area brings together fragrance and privacy as perfectly as the nook in the bank. The scent of the leaves, the coolness of the shade, and the sound of the waterfall caught my attention early on. Here, my sorrow transformed into a calm kind of sadness—here I slept deeply and enjoyed life more."
"As most free from interruption, I chose this as the scene of my midnight interviews with Judith. One evening, as the sun declined, I was seated here, when I was alarmed by your approach. It was with difficulty that I effected my escape unnoticed by you.
"As the place with the least interruptions, I picked this spot for my midnight meetings with Judith. One evening, as the sun was setting, I was sitting here when I heard you coming. I had a hard time slipping away without you noticing."
"At the customary hour, I returned to your habitation, and was made acquainted by Judith, with your unusual absence. I half suspected the true cause, and felt uneasiness at the danger there was that I should be deprived of my retreat; or, at least, interrupted in the possession of it. The girl, likewise, informed me, that among your other singularities, it was not uncommon for you to leave your bed, and walk forth for the sake of night-airs and starlight contemplations.
"At the usual time, I came back to your place and learned from Judith that you were unusually absent. I suspected the real reason and felt worried about the risk of losing my refuge, or at least being interrupted while I had it. The girl also told me that, among your other peculiar habits, it wasn't uncommon for you to get out of bed and go outside to enjoy the night air and gaze at the stars."
"I desired to prevent this inconvenience. I found you easily swayed by fear. I was influenced, in my choice of means, by the facility and certainty of that to which I had been accustomed. All that I forsaw was, that, in future, this spot would be cautiously shunned by you.
"I wanted to avoid this problem. I noticed you were easily influenced by fear. My choice of approach was shaped by the ease and reliability of what I was used to. All I could foresee was that, in the future, you would carefully avoid this place."
"I entered the recess with the utmost caution, and discovered, by your breathings, in what condition you were. The unexpected interpretation which you placed upon my former proceeding, suggested my conduct on the present occasion. The mode in which heaven is said by the poet, to interfere for the prevention of crimes, [**] was somewhat analogous to my province, and never failed to occur to me at seasons like this. It was requisite to break your slumbers, and for this end I uttered the powerful monosyllable, "hold! hold!" My purpose was not prescribed by duty, yet surely it was far from being atrocious and inexpiable. To effect it, I uttered what was false, but it was well suited to my purpose. Nothing less was intended than to injure you. Nay, the evil resulting from my former act, was partly removed by assuring you that in all places but this you were safe.
I cautiously entered the room and realized, from your breathing, what your state was. The unexpected way you interpreted my earlier actions influenced how I behaved now. The way that fate is said to prevent crimes, as mentioned by the poet, was somewhat similar to my role, and it often came to mind in moments like this. I needed to wake you up, so I said the powerful word, “hold! hold!” My intention wasn’t driven by obligation, but it certainly wasn’t cruel or unforgivable. To achieve that, I spoke something untrue, but it served my purpose well. I never intended to harm you. In fact, the negative consequences of my previous actions were partly alleviated by reassuring you that you were safe everywhere but in this place.
* BILOQUIUM, or ventrilocution. Sound is varied according to the variations of direction and distance. The art of the ventriloquist consists in modifying his voice according to all these variations, without changing his place. See the work of the Abbe de la Chappelle, in which are accurately recorded the performances of one of these artists, and some ingenious, though unsatisfactory speculations are given on the means by which the effects are produced. This power is, perhaps, given by nature, but is doubtless improvable, if not acquirable, by art. It may, possibly, consist in an unusual flexibility or exertion of the bottom of the tongue and the uvula. That speech is producible by these alone must be granted, since anatomists mention two instances of persons speaking without a tongue. In one case, the organ was originally wanting, but its place was supplied by a small tubercle, and the uvula was perfect. In the other, the tongue was destroyed by disease, but probably a small part of it remained. This power is difficult to explain, but the fact is undeniable. Experience shews that the human voice can imitate the voice of all men and of all inferior animals. The sound of musical instruments, and even noises from the contact of inanimate substances, have been accurately imitated. The mimicry of animals is notorious; and Dr. Burney (Musical Travels) mentions one who imitated a flute and violin, so as to deceive even his ears.
* BILOQUIUM, or ventriloquism. Sound changes based on direction and distance. The skill of a ventriloquist lies in adjusting their voice according to these changes while remaining in the same place. Check out the work of Abbe de la Chappelle, which accurately documents the performances of one of these artists and provides some clever, though ultimately unsatisfactory, theories about how these effects are achieved. This ability may be natural, but it can likely be improved or even learned through practice. It might come from an unusual flexibility or use of the back of the tongue and the uvula. It's accepted that speech can be produced using just these parts since anatomists have noted two cases of people speaking without a tongue. In one instance, the tongue was entirely missing but was replaced by a small bump, and the uvula was intact. In the other case, the tongue was destroyed by illness, but a small portion still remained. This ability is hard to explain, but the reality is undeniable. Experience shows that the human voice can mimic the sounds of all people and many animals. The sounds of musical instruments and even noises created by inanimate objects have been accurately replicated. The imitation of animals is well-known; Dr. Burney (Musical Travels) mentions someone who could imitate a flute and violin so well that it even fooled his own ears.
**—Peeps through the blanket of the dark, and cries Hold! Hold!—SHAKESPEARE.
**—Looks through the blanket of darkness, and shouts Hold! Hold!—SHAKESPEARE.
Chapter XXIII
"My morals will appear to you far from rigid, yet my conduct will fall short of your suspicions. I am now to confess actions less excusable, and yet surely they will not entitle me to the name of a desperate or sordid criminal.
"My morals may seem flexible to you, but my behavior won’t meet your expectations. I’m about to admit to some questionable actions, but they definitely don’t make me a desperate or corrupt criminal."
"Your house was rendered, by your frequent and long absences, easily accessible to my curiosity. My meeting with Pleyel was the prelude to direct intercourse with you. I had seen much of the world, but your character exhibited a specimen of human powers that was wholly new to me. My intercourse with your servant furnished me with curious details of your domestic management. I was of a different sex: I was not your husband; I was not even your friend; yet my knowledge of you was of that kind, which conjugal intimacies can give, and, in some respects, more accurate. The observation of your domestic was guided by me.
"Your house, because of your frequent and long absences, became easily accessible to my curiosity. Meeting Pleyel was the first step to having a direct connection with you. I had seen a lot of the world, but your character showed me a level of human capability that was completely new to me. My interactions with your servant provided me with fascinating details about how you manage your home. I was of a different gender; I wasn’t your husband, nor was I even your friend; yet what I knew about you was similar to what deep relationships can reveal, and in some ways, more precise. I guided the observations of your servant."
"You will not be surprized that I should sometimes profit by your absence, and adventure to examine with my own eyes, the interior of your chamber. Upright and sincere, you used no watchfulness, and practised no precautions. I scrutinized every thing, and pried every where. Your closet was usually locked, but it was once my fortune to find the key on a bureau. I opened and found new scope for my curiosity in your books. One of these was manuscript, and written in characters which essentially agreed with a short-hand system which I had learned from a Jesuit missionary.
You won't be surprised that I sometimes took advantage of your absence and ventured to check out your room for myself. Being honest and straightforward, you didn't take any precautions or keep a close watch. I examined everything and poked around everywhere. Your closet was usually locked, but I was lucky enough to find the key on a dresser once. I opened it and found plenty to satisfy my curiosity in your books. One of them was a manuscript, written in a style that largely matched a shorthand system I had learned from a Jesuit missionary.
"I cannot justify my conduct, yet my only crime was curiosity. I perused this volume with eagerness. The intellect which it unveiled, was brighter than my limited and feeble organs could bear. I was naturally inquisitive as to your ideas respecting my deportment, and the mysteries that had lately occurred.
"I can't explain my behavior, but my only fault was being curious. I read this book with excitement. The intelligence it revealed was more brilliant than my limited and weak mind could handle. I was naturally curious about your thoughts on my actions and the mysteries that recently happened."
"You know what you have written. You know that in this volume the key to your inmost soul was contained. If I had been a profound and malignant impostor, what plenteous materials were thus furnished me of stratagems and plots!
"You know what you’ve written. You know that this book contains the key to your innermost soul. If I had been a clever and evil fraud, I would have had plenty of material to use for schemes and plots!"
"The coincidence of your dream in the summer-house with my exclamation, was truly wonderful. The voice which warned you to forbear was, doubtless, mine; but mixed by a common process of the fancy, with the train of visionary incidents.
"The coincidence of your dream in the summer house with my shout was truly amazing. The voice that warned you to hold back was definitely mine, but intertwined with a shared process of imagination and the series of dreamlike events."
"I saw in a stronger light than ever, the dangerousness of that instrument which I employed, and renewed my resolutions to abstain from the use of it in future; but I was destined perpetually to violate my resolutions. By some perverse fate, I was led into circumstances in which the exertion of my powers was the sole or the best means of escape.
I saw more clearly than ever the dangers of the tool I was using, and I made a new commitment to stop using it in the future; but I was fated to constantly break that commitment. By some twisted fate, I found myself in situations where using my abilities was the only or best way to escape.
"On that memorable night on which our last interview took place, I came as usual to Mettingen. I was apprized of your engagement at your brother's, from which you did not expect to return till late. Some incident suggested the design of visiting your chamber. Among your books which I had not examined, might be something tending to illustrate your character, or the history of your family. Some intimation had been dropped by you in discourse, respecting a performance of your father, in which some important transaction in his life was recorded.
"On that unforgettable night when we had our last conversation, I arrived at Mettingen as usual. I knew you were busy at your brother's and wouldn't be back until late. An idea crossed my mind to visit your room. Among your books that I hadn't looked through, there might be something that could shed light on your character or your family history. You had mentioned something in passing about a work by your father that documented an important event in his life."
"I was desirous of seeing this book; and such was my habitual attachment to mystery, that I preferred the clandestine perusal of it. Such were the motives that induced me to make this attempt. Judith had disappeared, and finding the house unoccupied, I supplied myself with a light, and proceeded to your chamber.
"I really wanted to see this book, and my usual love for mystery made me want to read it in secret. These were the reasons that drove me to try. Judith was gone, and since the house was empty, I grabbed a light and headed to your room."
"I found it easy, on experiment, to lock and unlock your closet door without the aid of a key. I shut myself in this recess, and was busily exploring your shelves, when I heard some one enter the room below. I was at a loss who it could be, whether you or your servant. Doubtful, however, as I was, I conceived it prudent to extinguish the light. Scarcely was this done, when some one entered the chamber. The footsteps were easily distinguished to be yours.
"I found it easy, while experimenting, to lock and unlock your closet door without a key. I shut myself in this little space and was busy exploring your shelves when I heard someone enter the room below. I wasn't sure who it could be, whether it was you or your servant. Still unsure, I thought it was wise to turn off the light. Just as I did that, someone entered the room. I could easily tell that the footsteps belonged to you."
"My situation was now full of danger and perplexity. For some time, I cherished the hope that you would leave the room so long as to afford me an opportunity of escaping. As the hours passed, this hope gradually deserted me. It was plain that you had retired for the night.
"My situation was now filled with danger and confusion. For a while, I held onto the hope that you would be gone long enough for me to escape. As the hours went by, that hope slowly faded. It was clear that you had gone to bed for the night."
"I knew not how soon you might find occasion to enter the closet. I was alive to all the horrors of detection, and ruminated without ceasing, on the behaviour which it would be proper, in case of detection, to adopt. I was unable to discover any consistent method of accounting for my being thus immured.
"I didn't know how soon you might get the chance to enter the room. I was fully aware of all the fears of being caught, and I kept thinking about how I should act if that happened. I couldn't figure out a consistent explanation for why I was locked away like this."
"It occurred to me that I might withdraw you from your chamber for a few minutes, by counterfeiting a voice from without. Some message from your brother might be delivered, requiring your presence at his house. I was deterred from this scheme by reflecting on the resolution I had formed, and on the possible evils that might result from it. Besides, it was not improbable that you would speedily retire to bed, and then, by the exercise of sufficient caution, I might hope to escape unobserved.
"It occurred to me that I could get you out of your room for a few minutes by faking a voice from outside. Maybe it would be a message from your brother asking for you to come over. But I held back from this idea when I thought about the decision I had made and the possible problems it might cause. Also, it was likely that you would soon go to bed, and then, with enough care, I could hope to get away without being noticed."
"Meanwhile I listened with the deepest anxiety to every motion from without. I discovered nothing which betokened preparation for sleep. Instead of this I heard deep-drawn sighs, and occasionally an half-expressed and mournful ejaculation. Hence I inferred that you were unhappy. The true state of your mind with regard to Pleyel your own pen had disclosed; but I supposed you to be framed of such materials, that, though a momentary sadness might affect you, you were impregnable to any permanent and heartfelt grief. Inquietude for my own safety was, for a moment, suspended by sympathy with your distress.
"Meanwhile, I listened anxiously to every sound from outside. I didn’t hear anything that suggested people were getting ready to sleep. Instead, I heard deep sighs and sometimes a sad, half-spoken exclamation. So, I figured you were feeling unhappy. Your own writing had revealed your true feelings about Pleyel; however, I thought you were strong enough that, while you might feel short-lived sadness, you wouldn’t be affected by lasting, deep grief. For a moment, my worry for my own safety faded away as I felt sympathy for your pain."
"To the former consideration I was quickly recalled by a motion of yours which indicated I knew not what. I fostered the persuasion that you would now retire to bed; but presently you approached the closet, and detection seemed to be inevitable. You put your hand upon the lock. I had formed no plan to extricate myself from the dilemma in which the opening of the door would involve me. I felt an irreconcilable aversion to detection. Thus situated, I involuntarily seized the door with a resolution to resist your efforts to open it.
I was soon reminded of the earlier thought by a motion from you that I couldn't quite comprehend. I thought you were going to go to bed, but then you walked over to the closet, and it seemed like getting caught was unavoidable. You put your hand on the lock. I hadn’t figured out a way to get out of the mess that opening the door would cause me. I felt an intense dislike for being found out. In that moment, I instinctively grabbed the door, determined to stop you from opening it.
"Suddenly you receded from the door. This deportment was inexplicable, but the relief it afforded me was quickly gone. You returned, and I once more was thrown into perplexity. The expedient that suggested itself was precipitate and inartificial. I exerted my organs and called upon you TO HOLD.
"Suddenly, you stepped back from the door. I couldn’t understand why, but the relief I felt quickly faded. Then you came back, and I was once again confused. I came up with a quick and awkward idea. I called out to you to stop."
"That you should persist in spite of this admonition, was a subject of astonishment. I again resisted your efforts; for the first expedient having failed, I knew not what other to resort to. In this state, how was my astonishment increased when I heard your exclamations!
"That you should continue despite this warning was surprising. I resisted your attempts again; since the first method had failed, I didn't know what else to try. In this situation, my surprise only grew when I heard your exclamations!"
"It was now plain that you knew me to be within. Further resistance was unavailing and useless. The door opened, and I shrunk backward. Seldom have I felt deeper mortification, and more painful perplexity. I did not consider that the truth would be less injurious than any lie which I could hastily frame. Conscious as I was of a certain degree of guilt, I conceived that you would form the most odious suspicions. The truth would be imperfect, unless I were likewise to explain the mysterious admonition which had been given; but that explanation was of too great moment, and involved too extensive consequences to make me suddenly resolve to give it. I was aware that this discovery would associate itself in your mind, with the dialogue formerly heard in this closet. Thence would your suspicions be aggravated, and to escape from these suspicions would be impossible. But the mere truth would be sufficiently opprobrious, and deprive me for ever of your good opinion.
It was clear that you knew I was inside. There was no point in resisting any longer. The door opened, and I stepped back. I've rarely felt such deep embarrassment and confusion. I didn’t think the truth would hurt less than any lie I could quickly come up with. Aware of my guilt, I feared you would develop the worst suspicions. The truth wouldn’t be complete without explaining the mysterious warning I received, but that explanation was too significant and had too many implications for me to decide to reveal it right away. I knew this revelation would connect in your mind with the conversation you overheard in this room. From there, your suspicions would only grow, and escaping them would be impossible. But just telling the truth would be more than shameful, and it would ruin your opinion of me forever.
"Thus was I rendered desperate, and my mind rapidly passed to the contemplation of the use that might be made of previous events. Some good genius would appear to you to have interposed to save you from injury intended by me. Why, I said, since I must sink in her opinion, should I not cherish this belief? Why not personate an enemy, and pretend that celestial interference has frustrated my schemes? I must fly, but let me leave wonder and fear behind me. Elucidation of the mystery will always be practicable. I shall do no injury, but merely talk of evil that was designed, but is now past.
"That left me feeling desperate, and my thoughts quickly turned to how past events could be interpreted. It seemed like some good force had stepped in to protect you from the harm I intended. I wondered, since I’m bound to lose your favor, why not embrace this belief? Why not act like an adversary and pretend that some divine intervention has messed up my plans? I have to escape, but I want to leave behind wonder and fear. The mystery can always be explained. I won't cause any harm; I'll just discuss the wrong I meant to do, which is now behind us."
"Thus I extenuated my conduct to myself, but I scarcely expect that this will be to you a sufficient explication of the scene that followed. Those habits which I have imbibed, the rooted passion which possesses me for scattering around me amazement and fear, you enjoy no opportunities of knowing. That a man should wantonly impute to himself the most flagitious designs, will hardly be credited, even though you reflect that my reputation was already, by my own folly, irretrievably ruined; and that it was always in my power to communicate the truth, and rectify the mistake.
"Therefore, I made excuses for my behavior to myself, but I doubt this will be enough to explain the scene that followed for you. You don't have any way of understanding the habits I've developed or the deep passion I have for instilling amazement and fear in others. It's hard to believe that someone would deliberately accuse themselves of the most terrible intentions, even when you consider that my reputation was already, due to my own foolishness, beyond repair; and that I could always have told the truth and corrected the misunderstanding."
"I left you to ponder on this scene. My mind was full of rapid and incongruous ideas. Compunction, self-upbraiding, hopelesness, satisfaction at the view of those effects likely to flow from my new scheme, misgivings as to the beneficial result of this scheme took possession of my mind, and seemed to struggle for the mastery.
I left you to think about this situation. My mind was crowded with quick and conflicting thoughts. Guilt, self-blame, hopelessness, and satisfaction at the potential outcomes of my new plan all flooded my mind, battling for control.
"I had gone too far to recede. I had painted myself to you as an assassin and ravisher, withheld from guilt only by a voice from heaven. I had thus reverted into the path of error, and now, having gone thus far, my progress seemed to be irrevocable. I said to myself, I must leave these precincts for ever. My acts have blasted my fame in the eyes of the Wielands. For the sake of creating a mysterious dread, I have made myself a villain. I may complete this mysterious plan by some new imposture, but I cannot aggravate my supposed guilt.
"I had gone too far to turn back. I painted myself to you as a killer and a monster, held back from feeling guilty only by a voice from above. I had turned down the wrong path, and now, having come this far, my journey felt irreversible. I told myself I had to leave this place forever. My actions have destroyed my reputation in the eyes of the Wielands. In trying to create a sense of mystery, I’ve turned myself into a villain. I could finish this mysterious scheme with another deception, but I can’t add to my perceived guilt."
"My resolution was formed, and I was swiftly ruminating on the means for executing it, when Pleyel appeared in sight. This incident decided my conduct. It was plain that Pleyel was a devoted lover, but he was, at the same time, a man of cold resolves and exquisite sagacity. To deceive him would be the sweetest triumph I had ever enjoyed. The deception would be momentary, but it would likewise be complete. That his delusion would so soon be rectified, was a recommendation to my scheme, for I esteemed him too much to desire to entail upon him lasting agonies.
My resolution was set, and I was quickly thinking about how to carry it out when Pleyel came into view. This moment influenced my actions. It was clear that Pleyel was a passionate lover, but he was also a man of composed determination and sharp intelligence. To trick him would be the sweetest victory I had ever experienced. The deception would be brief, but it would be total. The fact that his misunderstanding would be corrected so soon was an advantage for my plan, as I valued him too much to want him to suffer for long.
"I had no time to reflect further, for he proceeded, with a quick step, towards the house. I was hurried onward involuntarily and by a mechanical impulse. I followed him as he passed the recess in the bank, and shrowding myself in that spot, I counterfeited sounds which I knew would arrest his steps.
"I didn't have time to think any more because he quickly walked toward the house. I was pushed forward involuntarily, as if by a machine. I followed him as he went past the nook in the bank, and hiding myself in that spot, I made sounds that I knew would stop him in his tracks."
"He stopped, turned, listened, approached, and overheard a dialogue whose purpose was to vanquish his belief in a point where his belief was most difficult to vanquish. I exerted all my powers to imitate your voice, your general sentiments, and your language. Being master, by means of your journal, of your personal history and most secret thoughts, my efforts were the more successful. When I reviewed the tenor of this dialogue, I cannot believe but that Pleyel was deluded. When I think of your character, and of the inferences which this dialogue was intended to suggest, it seems incredible that this delusion should be produced.
He stopped, turned, listened, approached, and overheard a conversation aimed at breaking down his belief in something that was hardest for him to doubt. I did everything I could to mimic your voice, your overall feelings, and your way of speaking. With your journal giving me insight into your personal history and most private thoughts, my attempts were even more effective. As I reflected on the content of this conversation, I can’t help but think that Pleyel was mistaken. Considering your character and the implications this conversation was meant to convey, it seems unbelievable that such a misconception could happen.
"I spared not myself. I called myself murderer, thief, guilty of innumerable perjuries and misdeeds: that you had debased yourself to the level of such an one, no evidence, methought, would suffice to convince him who knew you so thoroughly as Pleyel; and yet the imposture amounted to proof which the most jealous scrutiny would find to be unexceptionable.
"I didn’t hold back. I called myself a murderer, a thief, guilty of countless lies and wrongdoings: the fact that you had lowered yourself to the level of someone like that, I thought, no evidence would be enough to convince someone who knew you as well as Pleyel did; and yet the deception was so convincing that even the most skeptical examination would find it flawless."
"He left his station precipitately and resumed his way to the house. I saw that the detection of his error would be instantaneous, since, not having gone to bed, an immediate interview would take place between you. At first this circumstance was considered with regret; but as time opened my eyes to the possible consequences of this scene, I regarded it with pleasure.
He quickly left his post and headed back to the house. I knew that he would realize his mistake right away because, having not gone to bed, you two would have an immediate meeting. At first, I felt regret about this situation; however, as time went on and I started to see the potential outcomes of this moment, I began to feel pleased about it.
"In a short time the infatuation which had led me thus far began to subside. The remembrance of former reasonings and transactions was renewed. How often I had repented this kind of exertion; how many evils were produced by it which I had not foreseen; what occasions for the bitterest remorse it had administered, now passed through my mind. The black catalogue of stratagems was now increased. I had inspired you with the most vehement terrors: I had filled your mind with faith in shadows and confidence in dreams: I had depraved the imagination of Pleyel: I had exhibited you to his understanding as devoted to brutal gratifications and consummate in hypocrisy. The evidence which accompanied this delusion would be irresistible to one whose passion had perverted his judgment, whose jealousy with regard to me had already been excited, and who, therefore, would not fail to overrate the force of this evidence. What fatal act of despair or of vengeance might not this error produce?
In a short time, the obsession that had driven me this far started to fade. Memories of past reasoning and actions came flooding back. How often had I regretted this kind of effort? How many problems did it create that I hadn’t seen coming? The moments of deepest remorse I had experienced returned to me. The list of my schemes just kept growing. I had filled you with intense fear; I had filled your thoughts with faith in illusions and confidence in fantasies; I had corrupted Pleyel’s imagination; I had led him to believe you were only interested in pleasure and skilled in deceit. The evidence that supported this false perception would be impossible to ignore for someone whose passion had clouded their judgment, whose jealousy of me had already been stirred, and who would inevitably exaggerate the weight of this evidence. What disastrous act of despair or revenge could this mistake cause?
"With regard to myself, I had acted with a phrenzy that surpassed belief. I had warred against my peace and my fame: I had banished myself from the fellowship of vigorous and pure minds: I was self-expelled from a scene which the munificence of nature had adorned with unrivalled beauties, and from haunts in which all the muses and humanities had taken refuge.
"Looking back on myself, I had acted with a level of madness that was hard to believe. I had fought against my own peace and reputation: I had excluded myself from the company of strong and noble minds: I had voluntarily left a place that nature had decorated with unmatched beauty, and from spots where all the arts and humanities had found sanctuary."
"I was thus torn by conflicting fears and tumultuous regrets. The night passed away in this state of confusion; and next morning in the gazette left at my obscure lodging, I read a description and an offer of reward for the apprehension of my person. I was said to have escaped from an Irish prison, in which I was confined as an offender convicted of enormous and complicated crimes.
"I was caught up in a mix of fears and overwhelming regrets. The night went by in this cloud of confusion; and the next morning, in the newspaper left at my humble lodging, I saw a description of myself and a reward offered for my capture. It claimed that I had escaped from an Irish prison, where I was held as a convict guilty of serious and complicated crimes."
"This was the work of an enemy, who, by falsehood and stratagem, had procured my condemnation. I was, indeed, a prisoner, but escaped, by the exertion of my powers, the fate to which I was doomed, but which I did not deserve. I had hoped that the malice of my foe was exhausted; but I now perceived that my precautions had been wise, for that the intervention of an ocean was insufficient for my security.
"This was the work of an enemy who, through lies and cunning, had caused my downfall. I was, indeed, a prisoner, but I managed to escape the fate I was destined for, which I did not deserve. I had hoped that my enemy's malice was spent; however, I now realized that my precautions were wise, as the distance of an ocean was not enough to keep me safe."
"Let me not dwell on the sensations which this discovery produced. I need not tell by what steps I was induced to seek an interview with you, for the purpose of disclosing the truth, and repairing, as far as possible, the effects of my misconduct. It was unavoidable that this gazette would fall into your hands, and that it would tend to confirm every erroneous impression.
"Let me not linger on the feelings that this discovery caused. I don't need to explain how I was led to request a meeting with you to reveal the truth and, as much as I can, fix the consequences of my actions. It was inevitable that this newspaper would reach you, and that it would reinforce all the wrong impressions."
"Having gained this interview, I purposed to seek some retreat in the wilderness, inaccessible to your inquiry and to the malice of my foe, where I might henceforth employ myself in composing a faithful narrative of my actions. I designed it as my vindication from the aspersions that had rested on my character, and as a lesson to mankind on the evils of credulity on the one hand, and of imposture on the other.
"Now that I had this interview, I intended to find a quiet place in the wilderness, away from your questions and the hostility of my enemy, where I could focus on writing an honest account of my actions. I aimed for it to clear my name from the accusations against my character and to teach people about the dangers of being too trusting on one side and being deceitful on the other."
"I wrote you a billet, which was left at the house of your friend, and which I knew would, by some means, speedily come to your hands. I entertained a faint hope that my invitation would be complied with. I knew not what use you would make of the opportunity which this proposal afforded you of procuring the seizure of my person; but this fate I was determined to avoid, and I had no doubt but due circumspection, and the exercise of the faculty which I possessed, would enable me to avoid it.
"I wrote you a note, which was left at your friend's house, and I knew it would reach you quickly. I held out a slim hope that you would accept my invitation. I didn't know what you might do with the chance this offer gave you to have me arrested; however, I was set on avoiding that fate, and I was confident that careful planning and using my skills would help me steer clear of it."
"I lurked, through the day, in the neighbourhood of Mettingen: I approached your habitation at the appointed hour: I entered it in silence, by a trap-door which led into the cellar. This had formerly been bolted on the inside, but Judith had, at an early period in our intercourse, removed this impediment. I ascended to the first floor, but met with no one, nor any thing that indicated the presence of an human being.
I hung around the neighborhood of Mettingen all day. I came to your place at the agreed time and quietly entered through a trapdoor that led to the cellar. This used to be bolted from the inside, but Judith had removed that barrier early on in our relationship. I went up to the first floor but found no one and nothing that suggested a person was there.
"I crept softly up stairs, and at length perceived your chamber door to be opened, and a light to be within. It was of moment to discover by whom this light was accompanied. I was sensible of the inconveniencies to which my being discovered at your chamber door by any one within would subject me; I therefore called out in my own voice, but so modified that it should appear to ascend from the court below, 'Who is in the chamber? Is it Miss Wieland?"
"I quietly climbed the stairs and eventually noticed that your bedroom door was open and there was a light inside. It was important to find out who was with that light. I was aware of the trouble I would face if anyone inside discovered me at your door, so I called out in my own voice, but adjusted it to sound like it was coming from the courtyard below, 'Who is in the room? Is it Miss Wieland?'"
"No answer was returned to this summons. I listened, but no motion could be heard. After a pause I repeated my call, but no less ineffectually.
"No answer came to this call. I listened, but no movement could be heard. After a moment, I called out again, but it was just as ineffective."
"I now approached nearer the door, and adventured to look in. A light stood on the table, but nothing human was discernible. I entered cautiously, but all was solitude and stillness.
I moved closer to the door and dared to take a look inside. There was a light on the table, but I couldn't see anyone. I stepped in carefully, but everything was empty and silent.
"I knew not what to conclude. If the house were inhabited, my call would have been noticed; yet some suspicion insinuated itself that silence was studiously kept by persons who intended to surprize me. My approach had been wary, and the silence that ensued my call had likewise preceded it; a circumstance that tended to dissipate my fears.
I didn't know what to think. If the house were occupied, someone would have heard me call; yet I couldn't shake the feeling that the silence was being deliberately maintained by people who planned to surprise me. I had approached cautiously, and the silence that followed my call had also come before it, which helped to ease my fears.
"At length it occurred to me that Judith might possibly be in her own room. I turned my steps thither; but she was not to be found. I passed into other rooms, and was soon convinced that the house was totally deserted. I returned to your chamber, agitated by vain surmises and opposite conjectures. The appointed hour had passed, and I dismissed the hope of an interview.
"Eventually, it dawned on me that Judith might be in her room. I headed that way, but she wasn't there. I moved into other rooms and quickly realized that the house was completely empty. I went back to your room, feeling restless with useless thoughts and conflicting ideas. The time we agreed on had come and gone, and I gave up on the hope of seeing her."
"In this state of things I determined to leave a few lines on your toilet, and prosecute my journey to the mountains. Scarcely had I taken the pen when I laid it aside, uncertain in what manner to address you. I rose from the table and walked across the floor. A glance thrown upon the bed acquainted me with a spectacle to which my conceptions of horror had not yet reached.
"In this situation, I decided to leave you a note on your vanity and continue my journey to the mountains. Just as I picked up the pen, I put it down again, unsure of how to address you. I got up from the table and walked across the room. A look at the bed revealed a sight that my imagination had never encountered before."
"In the midst of shuddering and trepidation, the signal of your presence in the court below recalled me to myself. The deed was newly done: I only was in the house: what had lately happened justified any suspicions, however enormous. It was plain that this catastrophe was unknown to you: I thought upon the wild commotion which the discovery would awaken in your breast: I found the confusion of my own thoughts unconquerable, and perceived that the end for which I sought an interview was not now to be accomplished.
"In the middle of shaking with fear, the sign of your presence in the courtroom below brought me back to reality. The act had just happened: I was the only one in the house: what had recently occurred warranted any doubts, no matter how intense. It was clear that you were unaware of this disaster: I thought about the chaotic emotions that the discovery would stir in you: I found my own confused thoughts impossible to control, and realized that the purpose for which I wanted the meeting could no longer be achieved."
"In this state of things it was likewise expedient to conceal my being within. I put out the light and hurried down stairs. To my unspeakable surprize, notwithstanding every motive to fear, you lighted a candle and proceeded to your chamber.
"In this situation, it was also smart to hide my presence inside. I turned off the light and rushed downstairs. To my utter shock, despite all reasons to be afraid, you lit a candle and went to your room."
"I retired to that room below from which a door leads into the cellar. This door concealed me from your view as you passed. I thought upon the spectacle which was about to present itself. In an exigence so abrupt and so little foreseen, I was again subjected to the empire of mechanical and habitual impulses. I dreaded the effects which this shocking exhibition, bursting on your unprepared senses, might produce.
"I went to that room below, where a door leads into the cellar. This door kept me out of sight as you walked by. I thought about the scene that was about to unfold. In such a sudden and unexpected situation, I found myself once again controlled by automatic and habitual reactions. I feared the impact this shocking display, crashing onto your unsuspecting senses, might have."
"Thus actuated, I stept swiftly to the door, and thrusting my head forward, once more pronounced the mysterious interdiction. At that moment, by some untoward fate, your eyes were cast back, and you saw me in the very act of utterance. I fled through the darksome avenue at which I entered, covered with the shame of this detection.
"With that motivation, I quickly moved to the door and leaned forward to repeat the mysterious warning. At that moment, by some unfortunate twist of fate, you turned around and caught me in the act of speaking. Embarrassed by being discovered, I ran through the dark path I had come in."
"With diligence, stimulated by a thousand ineffable emotions, I pursued my intended journey. I have a brother whose farm is situated in the bosom of a fertile desert, near the sources of the Leheigh, and thither I now repaired."
"With determination, fueled by a thousand indescribable emotions, I set out on my intended journey. I have a brother whose farm is located in the heart of a rich desert, near the sources of the Leheigh, and that’s where I headed."
Chapter XXIV
"Deeply did I ruminate on the occurrences that had just passed. Nothing excited my wonder so much as the means by which you discovered my being in the closet. This discovery appeared to be made at the moment when you attempted to open it. How could you have otherwise remained so long in the chamber apparently fearless and tranquil? And yet, having made this discovery, how could you persist in dragging me forth: persist in defiance of an interdiction so emphatical and solemn?
I really thought about what had just happened. Nothing amazed me more than how you figured out I was in the closet. It seemed like you discovered it right when you tried to open the door. How else could you have stayed in the room for so long, apparently calm and unafraid? And after discovering me, how could you still insist on pulling me out, going against a prohibition that was so clear and serious?
"But your sister's death was an event detestable and ominous. She had been the victim of the most dreadful species of assassination. How, in a state like yours, the murderous intention could be generated, was wholly inconceivable.
"But your sister's death was a terrible and foreboding event. She had fallen prey to the worst kind of murder. How, in a state like yours, such murderous intent could develop was completely unimaginable."
"I did not relinquish my design of confessing to you the part which I had sustained in your family, but I was willing to defer it till the task which I had set myself was finished. That being done, I resumed the resolution. The motives to incite me to this continually acquired force. The more I revolved the events happening at Mettingen, the more insupportable and ominous my terrors became. My waking hours and my sleep were vexed by dismal presages and frightful intimations.
"I didn't give up on my plan to confess to you the role I played in your family, but I wanted to wait until I finished the task I had set for myself. Once that was done, I returned to my decision. The reasons pushing me to do this kept growing stronger. The more I thought about the events at Mettingen, the more unbearable and threatening my fears became. My waking hours and my sleep were troubled by gloomy predictions and terrifying hints."
"Catharine was dead by violence. Surely my malignant stars had not made me the cause of her death; yet had I not rashly set in motion a machine, over whose progress I had no controul, and which experience had shewn me was infinite in power? Every day might add to the catalogue of horrors of which this was the source, and a seasonable disclosure of the truth might prevent numberless ills.
"Catharine died a violent death. Surely my bad luck didn't make me the reason for her death; yet I had recklessly set something in motion that I had no control over, and which experience had shown me was incredibly powerful. Each day could add to the list of horrors that came from this, and revealing the truth in a timely manner might prevent countless problems."
"Fraught with this conception, I have turned my steps hither. I find your brother's house desolate: the furniture removed, and the walls stained with damps. Your own is in the same situation. Your chamber is dismantled and dark, and you exhibit an image of incurable grief, and of rapid decay.
"Carrying this thought, I've come here. I find your brother's house empty: the furniture is gone, and the walls are damp and stained. Yours is in the same condition. Your room is stripped bare and dark, and you look like you’re suffering from deep grief and quick decline."
"I have uttered the truth. This is the extent of my offences. You tell me an horrid tale of Wieland being led to the destruction of his wife and children, by some mysterious agent. You charge me with the guilt of this agency; but I repeat that the amount of my guilt has been truly stated. The perpetrator of Catharine's death was unknown to me till now; nay, it is still unknown to me."
"I have told the truth. This is all I’m guilty of. You share a terrible story about Wieland being driven to kill his wife and children by some mysterious force. You blame me for this influence; but I insist that my guilt has been accurately represented. I didn’t know who caused Catharine’s death until now; in fact, I still don’t know."
At that moment, the closing of a door in the kitchen was distinctly heard by us. Carwin started and paused. "There is some one coming. I must not be found here by my enemies, and need not, since my purpose is answered."
At that moment, we clearly heard a door closing in the kitchen. Carwin jumped and stopped. "Someone is coming. I can't be caught here by my enemies, and I don't need to be, since I've achieved my goal."
I had drunk in, with the most vehement attention, every word that he had uttered. I had no breath to interrupt his tale by interrogations or comments. The power that he spoke of was hitherto unknown to me: its existence was incredible; it was susceptible of no direct proof.
I listened intently to every word he said. I couldn't even interrupt his story with questions or comments. The power he talked about was completely new to me; its existence was unbelievable, and there was no way to prove it directly.
He owns that his were the voice and face which I heard and saw. He attempts to give an human explanation of these phantasms; but it is enough that he owns himself to be the agent; his tale is a lie, and his nature devilish. As he deceived me, he likewise deceived my brother, and now do I behold the author of all our calamities!
He admits that he was the voice and face I heard and saw. He tries to provide a human explanation for these apparitions, but it’s enough that he acknowledges he is the one responsible; his story is a lie, and his nature is wicked. Just as he deceived me, he also deceived my brother, and now I see the source of all our troubles!
Such were my thoughts when his pause allowed me to think. I should have bad him begone if the silence had not been interrupted; but now I feared no more for myself; and the milkiness of my nature was curdled into hatred and rancour. Some one was near, and this enemy of God and man might possibly be brought to justice. I reflected not that the preternatural power which he had hitherto exerted, would avail to rescue him from any toils in which his feet might be entangled. Meanwhile, looks, and not words of menace and abhorrence, were all that I could bestow.
Those were my thoughts when his pause gave me a moment to reflect. I would have told him to leave if the silence hadn't been broken; but now I didn't fear for myself anymore, and the softness in me had turned into hatred and bitterness. Someone was nearby, and this enemy of both God and humanity might just be brought to justice. I didn't consider that the unnatural power he had shown so far would help him escape any traps he might fall into. In the meantime, all I could offer were looks filled with menace and disgust, not words.
He did not depart. He seemed dubious, whether, by passing out of the house, or by remaining somewhat longer where he was, he should most endanger his safety. His confusion increased when steps of one barefoot were heard upon the stairs. He threw anxious glances sometimes at the closet, sometimes at the window, and sometimes at the chamber door, yet he was detained by some inexplicable fascination. He stood as if rooted to the spot.
He didn't leave. He looked uncertain, trying to decide whether stepping out of the house or staying a little longer where he was would put him in more danger. His confusion grew as he heard footsteps of someone barefoot coming up the stairs. He cast worried looks at the closet, the window, and the bedroom door, but he was held there by some mysterious pull. He stood as if glued to the ground.
As to me, my soul was bursting with detestation and revenge. I had no room for surmises and fears respecting him that approached. It was doubtless a human being, and would befriend me so far as to aid me in arresting this offender.
As for me, my soul was filled with hatred and a desire for revenge. I had no space for doubts or fears about the person coming toward me. It was definitely a human being, and would help me to the extent of assisting in capturing this wrongdoer.
The stranger quickly entered the room. My eyes and the eyes of Carwin were, at the same moment, darted upon him. A second glance was not needed to inform us who he was. His locks were tangled, and fell confusedly over his forehead and ears. His shirt was of coarse stuff, and open at the neck and breast. His coat was once of bright and fine texture, but now torn and tarnished with dust. His feet, his legs, and his arms were bare. His features were the seat of a wild and tranquil solemnity, but his eyes bespoke inquietude and curiosity.
The stranger quickly walked into the room. Carwin and I both turned our gaze toward him at the same moment. We didn’t need a second look to recognize who he was. His hair was messy and fell haphazardly over his forehead and ears. His shirt was made of rough fabric and was open at the neck and chest. His coat, once bright and well-made, was now torn and covered in dust. His feet, legs, and arms were bare. His face had a mix of wildness and calm seriousness, but his eyes showed restlessness and curiosity.
He advanced with firm step, and looking as in search of some one. He saw me and stopped. He bent his sight on the floor, and clenching his hands, appeared suddenly absorbed in meditation. Such were the figure and deportment of Wieland! Such, in his fallen state, were the aspect and guise of my brother!
He walked forward confidently, as if searching for someone. When he saw me, he stopped. He looked down at the floor, and with clenched hands, he suddenly seemed deep in thought. That was Wieland’s appearance and demeanor! That was how my brother looked in his troubled state!
Carwin did not fail to recognize the visitant. Care for his own safety was apparently swallowed up in the amazement which this spectacle produced. His station was conspicuous, and he could not have escaped the roving glances of Wieland; yet the latter seemed totally unconscious of his presence.
Carwin instantly recognized the visitor. His concern for his own safety was clearly overshadowed by the astonishment this scene created. He was in a noticeable position, and he couldn't have missed Wieland's wandering gaze; yet, Wieland appeared completely unaware of his presence.
Grief at this scene of ruin and blast was at first the only sentiment of which I was conscious. A fearful stillness ensued. At length Wieland, lifting his hands, which were locked in each other, to his breast, exclaimed, "Father! I thank thee. This is thy guidance. Hither thou hast led me, that I might perform thy will: yet let me not err: let me hear again thy messenger!"
Grief at this scene of destruction and chaos was initially the only feeling I was aware of. A heavy silence followed. Finally, Wieland raised his hands, which were clasped together, to his chest and exclaimed, "Father! I thank you. This is your guidance. You have brought me here so I can do your will: please don't let me go wrong: let me hear your messenger again!"
He stood for a minute as if listening; but recovering from his attitude, he continued—"It is not needed. Dastardly wretch! thus eternally questioning the behests of thy Maker! weak in resolution! wayward in faith!"
He stood for a minute as if he was listening; but shaking off his stance, he continued—"It's not necessary. Cowardly scoundrel! Always questioning the commands of your Creator! Weak in your resolve! Unreliable in your faith!"
He advanced to me, and, after another pause, resumed: "Poor girl! a dismal fate has set its mark upon thee. Thy life is demanded as a sacrifice. Prepare thee to die. Make not my office difficult by fruitless opposition. Thy prayers might subdue stones; but none but he who enjoined my purpose can shake it."
He came closer to me, and after another pause, continued: "Poor girl! A grim fate has marked you. Your life is needed as a sacrifice. Get ready to die. Don't make my job harder with pointless resistance. Your prayers could move mountains, but only the one who commanded my mission can change it."
These words were a sufficient explication of the scene. The nature of his phrenzy, as described by my uncle, was remembered. I who had sought death, was now thrilled with horror because it was near. Death in this form, death from the hand of a brother, was thought upon with undescribable repugnance.
These words clearly explained the situation. I recalled my uncle's description of his madness. I, who had once sought death, was now filled with horror at how close it was. The thought of dying like this, at the hands of my brother, filled me with indescribable disgust.
In a state thus verging upon madness, my eye glanced upon Carwin. His astonishment appeared to have struck him motionless and dumb. My life was in danger, and my brother's hand was about to be embrued in my blood. I firmly believed that Carwin's was the instigation. I could rescue me from this abhorred fate; I could dissipate this tremendous illusion; I could save my brother from the perpetration of new horrors, by pointing out the devil who seduced him; to hesitate a moment was to perish. These thoughts gave strength to my limbs, and energy to my accents: I started on my feet. "O brother! spare me, spare thyself: There is thy betrayer. He counterfeited the voice and face of an angel, for the purpose of destroying thee and me. He has this moment confessed it. He is able to speak where he is not. He is leagued with hell, but will not avow it; yet he confesses that the agency was his."
In a state almost bordering on madness, I caught sight of Carwin. His shock left him frozen and speechless. My life was in danger, and my brother was about to have his hands stained with my blood. I truly believed that Carwin was behind this. I could save myself from this horrible fate; I could dispel this terrifying illusion; I could stop my brother from committing new horrors by exposing the monster that deceived him; to hesitate, even for a moment, meant death. These thoughts gave me strength in my limbs and energy in my voice: I sprang to my feet. "O brother! Spare me, spare yourself: There is your betrayer. He pretended to be an angel to destroy you and me. He just confessed it. He can speak from afar. He is in league with hell, but won't admit it; yet he acknowledges that it was his doing."
My brother turned slowly his eyes, and fixed them upon Carwin. Every joint in the frame of the latter trembled. His complexion was paler than a ghost's. His eye dared not meet that of Wieland, but wandered with an air of distraction from one space to another.
My brother slowly turned his gaze and fixed his eyes on Carwin. Every joint in Carwin's body shook. His face was paler than a ghost's. He couldn't meet Wieland's gaze, instead his eyes wandered distractedly from one spot to another.
"Man," said my brother, in a voice totally unlike that which he had used to me, "what art thou? The charge has been made. Answer it. The visage—the voice—at the bottom of these stairs—at the hour of eleven—To whom did they belong? To thee?"
"Man," my brother said, in a tone completely different from what he usually used with me, "who are you? The accusation has been made. Address it. The face—the voice—at the bottom of these stairs—at eleven o'clock—Whom did they belong to? To you?"
Twice did Carwin attempt to speak, but his words died away upon his lips. My brother resumed in a tone of greater vehemence—
Twice Carwin tried to speak, but his words faded away on his lips. My brother continued with even more intensity—
"Thou falterest; faltering is ominous; say yes or no: one word will suffice; but beware of falsehood. Was it a stratagem of hell to overthrow my family? Wast thou the agent?"
"You hesitate; hesitation is dangerous; just say yes or no: one word is enough; but be careful of lies. Was it a plan from hell to destroy my family? Were you the one behind it?"
I now saw that the wrath which had been prepared for me was to be heaped upon another. The tale that I heard from him, and his present trepidations, were abundant testimonies of his guilt. But what if Wieland should be undeceived! What if he shall find his acts to have proceeded not from an heavenly prompter, but from human treachery! Will not his rage mount into whirlwind? Will not he tare limb from limb this devoted wretch?
I now realized that the anger meant for me was going to be directed at someone else. The story I heard from him, along with his current fears, clearly showed his guilt. But what if Wieland figures it all out? What if he discovers that his actions were not inspired by a divine source, but by human betrayal? Won't his rage turn into a storm? Won't he tear this devoted victim apart?
Instinctively I recoiled from this image, but it gave place to another. Carwin may be innocent, but the impetuosity of his judge may misconstrue his answers into a confession of guilt. Wieland knows not that mysterious voices and appearances were likewise witnessed by me. Carwin may be ignorant of those which misled my brother. Thus may his answers unwarily betray himself to ruin.
Instinctively, I pulled back from this image, but it was replaced by another. Carwin might be innocent, but the rashness of his judge could misinterpret his answers as a confession of guilt. Wieland doesn’t know that I also witnessed those mysterious voices and appearances. Carwin might be unaware of what misled my brother. This could cause his answers to unwittingly lead to his downfall.
Such might be the consequences of my frantic precipitation, and these, it was necessary, if possible, to prevent. I attempted to speak, but Wieland, turning suddenly upon me, commanded silence, in a tone furious and terrible. My lips closed, and my tongue refused its office.
Such might be the consequences of my hasty actions, and it was necessary, if possible, to prevent them. I tried to speak, but Wieland suddenly turned to me and ordered me to be quiet, his tone furious and terrifying. My lips sealed shut, and my tongue wouldn't move.
"What art thou?" he resumed, addressing himself to Carwin. "Answer me; whose form—whose voice—was it thy contrivance? Answer me."
"What are you?" he continued, speaking to Carwin. "Answer me; whose form—whose voice—did you create? Answer me."
The answer was now given, but confusedly and scarcely articulated. "I meant nothing—I intended no ill—if I understand—if I do not mistake you—it is too true—I did appear—in the entry—did speak. The contrivance was mine, but—"
The answer was now given, but it was unclear and barely expressed. "I meant nothing—I had no bad intentions—if I understand correctly—if I'm not mistaken—it’s all too true—I did show up—in the entrance—I did speak. The plan was mine, but—"
These words were no sooner uttered, than my brother ceased to wear the same aspect. His eyes were downcast: he was motionless: his respiration became hoarse, like that of a man in the agonies of death. Carwin seemed unable to say more. He might have easily escaped, but the thought which occupied him related to what was horrid and unintelligible in this scene, and not to his own danger.
As soon as those words were spoken, my brother’s demeanor changed completely. His eyes were lowered, he was frozen in place, and his breathing became rough, like someone in their final moments. Carwin appeared unable to say anything else. He could have easily gotten away, but his mind was focused on the terrifying and confusing nature of what was happening, rather than on his own safety.
Presently the faculties of Wieland, which, for a time, were chained up, were seized with restlessness and trembling. He broke silence. The stoutest heart would have been appalled by the tone in which he spoke. He addressed himself to Carwin.
Right now, the faculties of Wieland, which had been restrained for a while, were filled with restlessness and anxiety. He finally spoke up. Even the bravest person would have been frightened by the way he spoke. He turned to Carwin.
"Why art thou here? Who detains thee? Go and learn better. I will meet thee, but it must be at the bar of thy Maker. There shall I bear witness against thee."
"Why are you here? Who is holding you back? Go and get some sense. I will see you, but it has to be before your Creator. There is where I will testify against you."
Perceiving that Carwin did not obey, he continued; "Dost thou wish me to complete the catalogue by thy death? Thy life is a worthless thing. Tempt me no more. I am but a man, and thy presence may awaken a fury which may spurn my controul. Begone!"
Seeing that Carwin wasn't listening, he went on, "Do you want me to finish the list with your death? Your life means nothing. Don't tempt me anymore. I'm just a man, and your presence could stir up a rage I can't control. Leave!"
Carwin, irresolute, striving in vain for utterance, his complexion pallid as death, his knees beating one against another, slowly obeyed the mandate and withdrew.
Carwin, unsure of himself, struggling to find the right words, his face as pale as death, his knees knocking together, slowly followed the order and left.
Chapter XXV
A few words more and I lay aside the pen for ever. Yet why should I not relinquish it now? All that I have said is preparatory to this scene, and my fingers, tremulous and cold as my heart, refuse any further exertion. This must not be. Let my last energies support me in the finishing of this task. Then will I lay down my head in the lap of death. Hushed will be all my murmurs in the sleep of the grave.
A few more words and I’ll put down the pen for good. But why shouldn’t I just let it go now? Everything I’ve said leads up to this moment, and my fingers, shaking and as cold as my heart, won’t cooperate anymore. This can’t be. I need to find the strength to finish this task. Then I can rest my head in the embrace of death. All my whispers will fade away in the quiet of the grave.
Every sentiment has perished in my bosom. Even friendship is extinct. Your love for me has prompted me to this task; but I would not have complied if it had not been a luxury thus to feast upon my woes. I have justly calculated upon my remnant of strength. When I lay down the pen the taper of life will expire: my existence will terminate with my tale.
Every feeling has died within me. Even friendship is gone. Your love for me has pushed me to do this, but I wouldn't have agreed if it weren't such a pleasure to indulge in my sorrows. I've carefully considered my remaining strength. When I put down the pen, the light of life will fade: my existence will end with my story.
Now that I was left alone with Wieland, the perils of my situation presented themselves to my mind. That this paroxysm should terminate in havock and rage it was reasonable to predict. The first suggestion of my fears had been disproved by my experience. Carwin had acknowledged his offences, and yet had escaped. The vengeance which I had harboured had not been admitted by Wieland, and yet the evils which I had endured, compared with those inflicted on my brother, were as nothing. I thirsted for his blood, and was tormented with an insatiable appetite for his destruction; yet my brother was unmoved, and had dismissed him in safety. Surely thou wast more than man, while I am sunk below the beasts.
Now that I was alone with Wieland, the dangers of my situation hit me hard. It was clear that this outburst would end in chaos and anger. The first wave of my fears had been proven wrong by what I'd experienced. Carwin had admitted his wrongdoings but still got away. The revenge I felt wasn’t acknowledged by Wieland, and the suffering I had endured was nothing compared to what had happened to my brother. I craved his blood and was tormented by an unquenchable desire for his destruction; yet my brother remained unaffected and had let him go unharmed. Surely you are more than human, while I am lowered to the level of animals.
Did I place a right construction on the conduct of Wieland? Was the error that misled him so easily rectified? Were views so vivid and faith so strenuous thus liable to fading and to change? Was there not reason to doubt the accuracy of my perceptions? With images like these was my mind thronged, till the deportment of my brother called away my attention.
Did I interpret Wieland's behavior correctly? Was the mistake that led him astray easily fixed? Were such clear visions and strong beliefs really susceptible to fading and change? Should I doubt the accuracy of my perceptions? My mind was crowded with thoughts like these until my brother's actions pulled my attention away.
I saw his lips move and his eyes cast up to heaven. Then would he listen and look back, as if in expectation of some one's appearance. Thrice he repeated these gesticulations and this inaudible prayer. Each time the mist of confusion and doubt seemed to grow darker and to settle on his understanding. I guessed at the meaning of these tokens. The words of Carwin had shaken his belief, and he was employed in summoning the messenger who had formerly communed with him, to attest the value of those new doubts. In vain the summons was repeated, for his eye met nothing but vacancy, and not a sound saluted his ear.
I saw his lips move and his eyes glance up to the sky. Then he would listen and look back, as if waiting for someone to show up. He repeated these gestures and this silent prayer three times. Each time, the fog of confusion and doubt seemed to deepen and settle over his mind. I figured out what these signs meant. Carwin's words had shaken his faith, and he was trying to summon the messenger who had spoken with him before, to confirm the worth of those new doubts. The call was in vain, though, as his gaze met nothing but emptiness, and not a sound reached his ears.
He walked to the bed, gazed with eagerness at the pillow which had sustained the head of the breathless Catharine, and then returned to the place where I sat. I had no power to lift my eyes to his face: I was dubious of his purpose: this purpose might aim at my life.
He walked over to the bed, looked eagerly at the pillow that had held the head of the breathless Catharine, and then came back to where I was sitting. I couldn't bring myself to look up at his face; I was uncertain about what he planned to do next: that plan might be aimed at my life.
Alas! nothing but subjection to danger, and exposure to temptation, can show us what we are. By this test was I now tried, and found to be cowardly and rash. Men can deliberately untie the thread of life, and of this I had deemed myself capable; yet now that I stood upon the brink of fate, that the knife of the sacrificer was aimed at my heart, I shuddered and betook myself to any means of escape, however monstrous.
Alas! Only by facing danger and confronting temptation can we truly see who we are. I was tested like this and discovered I was both cowardly and reckless. People can intentionally sever the thread of life, and I thought I could do that too; yet now, standing on the edge of fate, with the sacrificer's knife aimed at my heart, I trembled and resorted to any means of escape, no matter how terrible.
Can I bear to think—can I endure to relate the outrage which my heart meditated? Where were my means of safety? Resistance was vain. Not even the energy of despair could set me on a level with that strength which his terrific prompter had bestowed upon Wieland. Terror enables us to perform incredible feats; but terror was not then the state of my mind: where then were my hopes of rescue?
Can I stand to think—can I handle describing the outrage that my heart was feeling? Where were my chances of safety? Resistance was pointless. Not even the power of despair could put me on the same level as the strength that his terrifying motivator had given to Wieland. Fear allows us to do unbelievable things; but fear wasn't how I felt at that moment: so where were my hopes for rescue?
Methinks it is too much. I stand aside, as it were, from myself; I estimate my own deservings; a hatred, immortal and inexorable, is my due. I listen to my own pleas, and find them empty and false: yes, I acknowledge that my guilt surpasses that of all mankind: I confess that the curses of a world, and the frowns of a deity, are inadequate to my demerits. Is there a thing in the world worthy of infinite abhorrence? It is I. What shall I say! I was menaced, as I thought, with death, and, to elude this evil, my hand was ready to inflict death upon the menacer. In visiting my house, I had made provision against the machinations of Carwin. In a fold of my dress an open penknife was concealed. This I now seized and drew forth. It lurked out of view: but I now see that my state of mind would have rendered the deed inevitable if my brother had lifted his hand. This instrument of my preservation would have been plunged into his heart.
I think this is too much. I feel detached from myself; I evaluate my own worth; an unending and relentless hatred is what I deserve. I hear my own arguments and find them hollow and insincere: yes, I admit that my guilt outmatches that of all humanity: I recognize that the curses of the world and the disapproval of a deity are not enough for my wrongdoings. Is there anything in this world deserving of infinite disgust? It is me. What should I say! I felt threatened with death and, to escape this danger, my hand was ready to deliver death to the one threatening me. When I came home, I had prepared for Carwin's schemes. I had a hidden open knife tucked away in my clothing. Now, I take it out. It was out of sight, but I see now that my state of mind would have made the act unavoidable if my brother had raised his hand. This tool meant for my protection would have been driven into his heart.
O, insupportable remembrance! hide thee from my view for a time; hide it from me that my heart was black enough to meditate the stabbing of a brother! a brother thus supreme in misery; thus towering in virtue!
O, unbearable memory! Hide away from my sight for a while; keep it from me that my heart was dark enough to consider the stabbing of a brother! A brother who is so deeply suffering; so elevated in goodness!
He was probably unconscious of my design, but presently drew back. This interval was sufficient to restore me to myself. The madness, the iniquity of that act which I had purposed rushed upon my apprehension. For a moment I was breathless with agony. At the next moment I recovered my strength, and threw the knife with violence on the floor.
He was probably unaware of what I had planned, but then pulled away. This pause was enough for me to collect myself. The madness and wrongness of the act I had intended hit me all at once. For a moment, I was speechless with pain. But just after that, I regained my strength and slammed the knife down onto the floor.
The sound awoke my brother from his reverie. He gazed alternately at me and at the weapon. With a movement equally solemn he stooped and took it up. He placed the blade in different positions, scrutinizing it accurately, and maintaining, at the same time, a profound silence.
The sound brought my brother out of his daydream. He looked back and forth between me and the weapon. With a serious gesture, he bent down and picked it up. He held the blade in various positions, examining it closely, while staying completely silent.
Again he looked at me, but all that vehemence and loftiness of spirit which had so lately characterized his features, were flown. Fallen muscles, a forehead contracted into folds, eyes dim with unbidden drops, and a ruefulness of aspect which no words can describe, were now visible.
Again he looked at me, but all that intensity and nobility that had recently shown on his face were gone. His muscles were slack, his forehead creased with tension, his eyes were dull and filled with tears, and there was a sadness in his expression that I can't put into words.
His looks touched into energy the same sympathies in me, and I poured forth a flood of tears. This passion was quickly checked by fear, which had now, no longer, my own, but his safety for their object. I watched his deportment in silence. At length he spoke:
His appearance stirred up strong emotions in me, and I burst into tears. This overwhelming feeling was soon held back by fear, which was no longer just for my own sake, but for his safety. I observed his behavior in silence. Finally, he spoke:
"Sister," said he, in an accent mournful and mild, "I have acted poorly my part in this world. What thinkest thou? Shall I not do better in the next?"
“Sister,” he said, in a tone that was both sad and gentle, “I haven’t played my role well in this world. What do you think? Shouldn’t I do better in the next one?”
I could make no answer. The mildness of his tone astonished and encouraged me. I continued to regard him with wistful and anxious looks.
I couldn't respond. The softness of his voice surprised and uplifted me. I kept looking at him with longing and worry.
"I think," resumed he, "I will try. My wife and my babes have gone before. Happy wretches! I have sent you to repose, and ought not to linger behind."
"I think," he continued, "I will give it a shot. My wife and kids have already gone ahead. Lucky them! I've sent you off to rest, and I shouldn't stay behind."
These words had a meaning sufficiently intelligible. I looked at the open knife in his hand and shuddered, but knew not how to prevent the deed which I dreaded. He quickly noticed my fears, and comprehended them. Stretching towards me his hand, with an air of increasing mildness: "Take it," said he: "Fear not for thy own sake, nor for mine. The cup is gone by, and its transient inebriation is succeeded by the soberness of truth.
These words were clear enough. I looked at the open knife in his hand and shuddered, but I didn't know how to stop the terrible act I feared. He quickly picked up on my fears and understood them. Reaching out to me with a gentler demeanor, he said, "Take it. Don't worry about yourself or me. The moment has passed, and its brief intoxication has been replaced by the clarity of reality."
"Thou angel whom I was wont to worship! fearest thou, my sister, for thy life? Once it was the scope of my labours to destroy thee, but I was prompted to the deed by heaven; such, at least, was my belief. Thinkest thou that thy death was sought to gratify malevolence? No. I am pure from all stain. I believed that my God was my mover!
"You angel I used to worship! Are you afraid for your life, my sister? At one point, my goal was to destroy you, but I thought I was driven to it by heaven; that’s what I believed, at least. Do you think your death was meant to satisfy some evil intent? No. I am free from all blame. I believed that my God was guiding me!"
"Neither thee nor myself have I cause to injure. I have done my duty, and surely there is merit in having sacrificed to that, all that is dear to the heart of man. If a devil has deceived me, he came in the habit of an angel. If I erred, it was not my judgment that deceived me, but my senses. In thy sight, being of beings! I am still pure. Still will I look for my reward in thy justice!"
"Neither you nor I have any reason to hurt each other. I've done my part, and there’s definitely value in having sacrificed everything that is precious to humanity for that. If a devil has tricked me, he showed up looking like an angel. If I made a mistake, it wasn’t my judgment that misled me, but my senses. In your eyes, being of beings! I am still pure. I will continue to seek my reward in your justice!"
Did my ears truly report these sounds? If I did not err, my brother was restored to just perceptions. He knew himself to have been betrayed to the murder of his wife and children, to have been the victim of infernal artifice; yet he found consolation in the rectitude of his motives. He was not devoid of sorrow, for this was written on his countenance; but his soul was tranquil and sublime.
Did my ears really hear those sounds? If I'm not mistaken, my brother was back to his right mind. He realized he had been deceived into the murder of his wife and children, that he had been a victim of wicked schemes; yet he took comfort in the honesty of his intentions. He wasn't without grief, as it showed on his face; but his spirit was calm and elevated.
Perhaps this was merely a transition of his former madness into a new shape. Perhaps he had not yet awakened to the memory of the horrors which he had perpetrated. Infatuated wretch that I was! To set myself up as a model by which to judge of my heroic brother! My reason taught me that his conclusions were right; but conscious of the impotence of reason over my own conduct; conscious of my cowardly rashness and my criminal despair, I doubted whether any one could be stedfast and wise.
Perhaps this was just a shift of his previous madness into a new form. Maybe he still hadn't remembered the terrible things he had done. What a foolish person I was! To think I could be a standard to judge my heroic brother! My reason told me he was right, but knowing how powerless reason was over my own actions; aware of my cowardly impulsiveness and my guilty despair, I questioned whether anyone could truly be steadfast and wise.
Such was my weakness, that even in the midst of these thoughts, my mind glided into abhorrence of Carwin, and I uttered in a low voice, O! Carwin! Carwin! What hast thou to answer for?
Such was my weakness that even while thinking about all this, my mind slipped into hatred for Carwin, and I said softly, "Oh! Carwin! What do you have to answer for?"
My brother immediately noticed the involuntary exclamation: "Clara!" said he, "be thyself. Equity used to be a theme for thy eloquence. Reduce its lessons to practice, and be just to that unfortunate man. The instrument has done its work, and I am satisfied.
My brother quickly picked up on the unexpected shout: "Clara!" he said, "be yourself. Fairness used to be a topic you spoke about so well. Put those lessons into action, and treat that unfortunate guy fairly. The tool has done its job, and I'm content.
"I thank thee, my God, for this last illumination! My enemy is thine also. I deemed him to be man, the man with whom I have often communed; but now thy goodness has unveiled to me his true nature. As the performer of thy behests, he is my friend."
"I thank you, my God, for this last moment of clarity! My enemy is also yours. I thought he was just a man, the one I have often talked to; but now your goodness has revealed his true nature to me. As the one who carries out your commands, he is my friend."
My heart began now to misgive me. His mournful aspect had gradually yielded place to a serene brow. A new soul appeared to actuate his frame, and his eyes to beam with preternatural lustre. These symptoms did not abate, and he continued:
My heart started to feel unsettled. His sad expression had slowly shifted to a calm face. A new energy seemed to fill his body, and his eyes shone with an unnatural brightness. These signs didn't fade, and he continued:
"Clara! I must not leave thee in doubt. I know not what brought about thy interview with the being whom thou callest Carwin. For a time, I was guilty of thy error, and deduced from his incoherent confessions that I had been made the victim of human malice. He left us at my bidding, and I put up a prayer that my doubts should be removed. Thy eyes were shut, and thy ears sealed to the vision that answered my prayer.
"Clara! I can’t leave you in doubt. I don’t know what led to your meeting with the person you call Carwin. For a while, I shared your mistake and concluded from his confusing confessions that I had been a target of human malice. He left us at my request, and I prayed for my doubts to be cleared. Your eyes were closed, and your ears were shut to the vision that answered my prayer."
"I was indeed deceived. The form thou hast seen was the incarnation of a daemon. The visage and voice which urged me to the sacrifice of my family, were his. Now he personates a human form: then he was invironed with the lustre of heaven.—
"I was definitely deceived. The figure you saw was the embodiment of a daemon. The face and voice that urged me to sacrifice my family were his. Now he takes on a human form; back then, he was surrounded by the brightness of heaven."
"Clara," he continued, advancing closer to me, "thy death must come. This minister is evil, but he from whom his commission was received is God. Submit then with all thy wonted resignation to a decree that cannot be reversed or resisted. Mark the clock. Three minutes are allowed to thee, in which to call up thy fortitude, and prepare thee for thy doom." There he stopped.
"Clara," he continued, stepping closer to me, "your death must come. This minister is evil, but the one who gave him his authority is God. So, submit with all your usual acceptance to a decision that cannot be changed or fought against. Check the clock. You have three minutes to gather your strength and prepare for your fate." Then he stopped.
Even now, when this scene exists only in memory, when life and all its functions have sunk into torpor, my pulse throbs, and my hairs uprise: my brows are knit, as then; and I gaze around me in distraction. I was unconquerably averse to death; but death, imminent and full of agony as that which was threatened, was nothing. This was not the only or chief inspirer of my fears.
Even now, when this scene only exists in my memory, when life and all its activities have fallen into a sluggishness, my heart races, and the hair on my arms stands up: my brows are furrowed, just like back then; and I look around me in confusion. I was determined to resist death; yet death, looming and filled with the kind of pain that was promised, meant nothing. This was not the only or main source of my fears.
For him, not for myself, was my soul tormented. I might die, and no crime, surpassing the reach of mercy, would pursue me to the presence of my Judge; but my assassin would survive to contemplate his deed, and that assassin was Wieland!
For him, not for myself, was my soul tortured. I could die, and no crime, beyond the reach of mercy, would follow me to the presence of my Judge; but my killer would live on to reflect on his act, and that killer was Wieland!
Wings to bear me beyond his reach I had not. I could not vanish with a thought. The door was open, but my murderer was interposed between that and me. Of self-defence I was incapable. The phrenzy that lately prompted me to blood was gone; my state was desperate; my rescue was impossible.
Wings to take me beyond his reach I didn't have. I couldn't disappear with just a thought. The door was open, but my attacker stood between it and me. I was powerless to defend myself. The madness that had once driven me to violence was gone; I felt hopeless; my salvation was out of reach.
The weight of these accumulated thoughts could not be borne. My sight became confused; my limbs were seized with convulsion; I spoke, but my words were half-formed:—
The weight of these piled-up thoughts was too much to handle. My vision blurred; my limbs shook uncontrollably; I tried to speak, but my words came out jumbled:—
"Spare me, my brother! Look down, righteous Judge! snatch me from this fate! take away this fury from him, or turn it elsewhere!"
"Spare me, brother! Look down, righteous Judge! Save me from this fate! Take away this anger from him, or direct it somewhere else!"
Such was the agony of my thoughts, that I noticed not steps entering my apartment. Supplicating eyes were cast upward, but when my prayer was breathed, I once more wildly gazed at the door. A form met my sight: I shuddered as if the God whom I invoked were present. It was Carwin that again intruded, and who stood before me, erect in attitude, and stedfast in look! The sight of him awakened new and rapid thoughts. His recent tale was remembered: his magical transitions and mysterious energy of voice: Whether he were infernal or miraculous, or human, there was no power and no need to decide. Whether the contriver or not of this spell, he was able to unbind it, and to check the fury of my brother. He had ascribed to himself intentions not malignant. Here now was afforded a test of his truth. Let him interpose, as from above; revoke the savage decree which the madness of Wieland has assigned to heaven, and extinguish for ever this passion for blood!
The pain of my thoughts was so intense that I didn’t even notice someone entering my apartment. I looked up with pleading eyes, but as soon as I finished my prayer, I stared wildly at the door again. A figure appeared, and I shuddered as if the God I had called upon was right there. It was Carwin, who had intruded once more, standing before me, upright and steady in his gaze! Seeing him triggered new and rapid thoughts. I recalled his recent story: his magical transformations and the mysterious power of his voice. Whether he was something evil, miraculous, or just human, it didn’t matter. There was no power and no need to decide. Whether he was the one who created this spell or not, he had the ability to break it and to calm my brother’s rage. He had claimed that his intentions were not malevolent. Now was a test of his honesty. Let him step in, as if from above; cancel the savage decree that Wieland's madness has brought upon us, and put an end to this thirst for blood forever!
My mind detected at a glance this avenue to safety. The recommendations it possessed thronged as it were together, and made but one impression on my intellect. Remoter effects and collateral dangers I saw not. Perhaps the pause of an instant had sufficed to call them up. The improbability that the influence which governed Wieland was external or human; the tendency of this stratagem to sanction so fatal an error, or substitute a more destructive rage in place of this; the sufficiency of Carwin's mere muscular forces to counteract the efforts, and restrain the fury of Wieland, might, at a second glance, have been discovered; but no second glance was allowed. My first thought hurried me to action, and, fixing my eyes upon Carwin I exclaimed—
My mind quickly recognized this path to safety. The suggestions it offered seemed to come together and formed a single thought in my mind. I didn’t see any distant consequences or additional dangers. Maybe a brief pause would have been enough to bring them to mind. I didn’t consider the unlikelihood that the force controlling Wieland was external or human; how this scheme could lead to such a deadly mistake or replace this rage with something even more destructive; or that Carwin’s mere physical strength could effectively counter Wieland’s efforts and calm his fury. But I didn’t have a second to think it over. My first instinct pushed me into action, and, looking directly at Carwin, I yelled—
"O wretch! once more hast thou come? Let it be to abjure thy malice; to counterwork this hellish stratagem; to turn from me and from my brother, this desolating rage!
"O wretch! Have you come again? Let it be to renounce your malice; to undo this hellish scheme; to turn away from me and my brother, this devastating rage!"
"Testify thy innocence or thy remorse: exert the powers which pertain to thee, whatever they be, to turn aside this ruin. Thou art the author of these horrors! What have I done to deserve thus to die? How have I merited this unrelenting persecution? I adjure thee, by that God whose voice thou hast dared to counterfeit, to save my life!
"Proclaim your innocence or your regret: use whatever power you have to prevent this disaster. You are the cause of these horrors! What have I done to deserve such a death? How have I earned this relentless torment? I urge you, by the God whose voice you've had the audacity to mimic, to save my life!"
"Wilt thou then go? leave me! Succourless!"
"Will you then go? Leave me! Helpless!"
Carwin listened to my intreaties unmoved, and turned from me. He seemed to hesitate a moment: then glided through the door. Rage and despair stifled my utterance. The interval of respite was passed; the pangs reserved for me by Wieland, were not to be endured; my thoughts rushed again into anarchy. Having received the knife from his hand, I held it loosely and without regard; but now it seized again my attention, and I grasped it with force.
Carwin listened to my pleas without showing any emotion and turned away from me. He seemed to pause for a moment, then slipped through the door. Rage and despair choked my words. The brief moment of relief was over; the torment that Wieland had prepared for me was unthinkable; my thoughts spiraled into chaos again. After receiving the knife from him, I held it loosely and carelessly, but now it caught my attention once more, and I gripped it tightly.
He seemed to notice not the entrance or exit of Carwin. My gesture and the murderous weapon appeared to have escaped his notice. His silence was unbroken; his eye, fixed upon the clock for a time, was now withdrawn; fury kindled in every feature; all that was human in his face gave way to an expression supernatural and tremendous. I felt my left arm within his grasp.—
He didn't seem to notice Carwin coming in or leaving. My gesture and the deadly weapon seemed to have gone unnoticed by him. He remained silent; after staring at the clock for a while, his gaze shifted away; rage lit up every feature on his face, and all human expression faded into something supernatural and terrifying. I felt him gripping my left arm.
Even now I hesitated to strike. I shrunk from his assault, but in vain.—
Even now I hesitated to hit him. I recoiled from his attack, but it was pointless.—
Here let me desist. Why should I rescue this event from oblivion? Why should I paint this detestable conflict? Why not terminate at once this series of horrors?—Hurry to the verge of the precipice, and cast myself for ever beyond remembrance and beyond hope?
Here, I’ll stop. Why should I save this moment from being forgotten? Why should I describe this awful conflict? Why not just end this series of nightmares right now?—Rush to the edge of the cliff and throw myself into oblivion, beyond memory and hope?
Still I live: with this load upon my breast; with this phantom to pursue my steps; with adders lodged in my bosom, and stinging me to madness: still I consent to live!
Still I live: with this weight on my heart; with this ghost following my every move; with snakes nestled in my chest, stinging me to madness: still I choose to carry on!
Yes, I will rise above the sphere of mortal passions: I will spurn at the cowardly remorse that bids me seek impunity in silence, or comfort in forgetfulness. My nerves shall be new strung to the task. Have I not resolved? I will die. The gulph before me is inevitable and near. I will die, but then only when my tale is at an end.
Yes, I will rise above the realm of human emotions: I will reject the cowardly guilt that urges me to find safety in silence or solace in forgetting. My resolve will be stronger for this task. Haven't I made my decision? I will die. The abyss ahead of me is unavoidable and close. I will die, but only when my story is finished.
Chapter XXVI
My right hand, grasping the unseen knife, was still disengaged. It was lifted to strike. All my strength was exhausted, but what was sufficient to the performance of this deed. Already was the energy awakened, and the impulse given, that should bear the fatal steel to his heart, when—Wieland shrunk back: his hand was withdrawn. Breathless with affright and desperation, I stood, freed from his grasp; unassailed; untouched.
My right hand, holding the hidden knife, was still free. It was raised to strike. I was completely drained of energy, but there was just enough left to carry out this act. The energy had already surged, and the urge to drive the deadly blade into his heart was there, when—Wieland recoiled: his hand pulled back. Breathless with fear and desperation, I stood there, released from his grip; unthreatened; unharmed.
Thus long had the power which controuled the scene forborne to interfere; but now his might was irresistible, and Wieland in a moment was disarmed of all his purposes. A voice, louder than human organs could produce, shriller than language can depict, burst from the ceiling, and commanded him—TO HOLD!
Thus long had the power that controlled the scene refrained from interfering; but now its might was unstoppable, and Wieland was instantly stripped of all his intentions. A voice, louder than any human could produce, sharper than words could describe, erupted from the ceiling and commanded him—TO HOLD!
Trouble and dismay succeeded to the stedfastness that had lately been displayed in the looks of Wieland. His eyes roved from one quarter to another, with an expression of doubt. He seemed to wait for a further intimation.
Trouble and dismay followed the steadfastness that had recently been visible in Wieland's expression. His eyes wandered from one place to another, showing a look of uncertainty. He appeared to be waiting for another sign.
Carwin's agency was here easily recognized. I had besought him to interpose in my defence. He had flown. I had imagined him deaf to my prayer, and resolute to see me perish: yet he disappeared merely to devise and execute the means of my relief.
Carwin's influence was clearly evident here. I had pleaded with him to step in and help me. He had left in a hurry. I thought he was ignoring my plea and determined to let me die; instead, he had just gone to come up with and carry out a plan to save me.
Why did he not forbear when this end was accomplished? Why did his misjudging zeal and accursed precipitation overpass that limit? Or meant he thus to crown the scene, and conduct his inscrutable plots to this consummation?
Why didn’t he hold back when this goal was achieved? Why did his misguided enthusiasm and reckless haste cross that line? Or did he intend to bring the scene to a close and guide his mysterious schemes to this conclusion?
Such ideas were the fruit of subsequent contemplation. This moment was pregnant with fate. I had no power to reason. In the career of my tempestuous thoughts, rent into pieces, as my mind was, by accumulating horrors, Carwin was unseen and unsuspected. I partook of Wieland's credulity, shook with his amazement, and panted with his awe.
Such ideas came from later reflection. This moment was filled with destiny. I couldn't reason clearly. In the chaos of my racing thoughts, torn apart by growing horrors, I was unaware of Carwin. I shared Wieland's gullibility, trembled with his disbelief, and breathed heavily with his fear.
Silence took place for a moment; so much as allowed the attention to recover its post. Then new sounds were uttered from above.
Silence lasted for a moment, enough for attention to regain its focus. Then, new sounds came from above.
"Man of errors! cease to cherish thy delusion: not heaven or hell, but thy senses have misled thee to commit these acts. Shake off thy phrenzy, and ascend into rational and human. Be lunatic no longer."
"Man of mistakes! Stop holding on to your illusion: it’s not heaven or hell, but your own senses that have led you to do these things. Let go of your madness, and rise to being reasonable and human. Don’t be a lunatic any longer."
My brother opened his lips to speak. His tone was terrific and faint. He muttered an appeal to heaven. It was difficult to comprehend the theme of his inquiries. They implied doubt as to the nature of the impulse that hitherto had guided him, and questioned whether he had acted in consequence of insane perceptions.
My brother opened his mouth to speak. His voice was amazing but quiet. He whispered a plea to heaven. It was hard to understand the point of his questions. They suggested uncertainty about the nature of the drive that had guided him until now and questioned whether he had acted based on insane perceptions.
To these interrogatories the voice, which now seemed to hover at his shoulder, loudly answered in the affirmative. Then uninterrupted silence ensued.
To these questions, the voice that now seemed to hover at his shoulder answered loudly in the affirmative. Then there was an unbroken silence.
Fallen from his lofty and heroic station; now finally restored to the perception of truth; weighed to earth by the recollection of his own deeds; consoled no longer by a consciousness of rectitude, for the loss of offspring and wife—a loss for which he was indebted to his own misguided hand; Wieland was transformed at once into the man OF SORROWS!
Fallen from his high and heroic position; now finally aware of the truth; brought down by the memories of his own actions; no longer comforted by a sense of righteousness, for the loss of his children and wife—a loss caused by his own misguided actions; Wieland was instantly changed into the man OF SORROWS!
He reflected not that credit should be as reasonably denied to the last, as to any former intimation; that one might as justly be ascribed to erring or diseased senses as the other. He saw not that this discovery in no degree affected the integrity of his conduct; that his motives had lost none of their claims to the homage of mankind; that the preference of supreme good, and the boundless energy of duty, were undiminished in his bosom.
He didn’t realize that credit could just as easily be denied to the latest claim as to any previous indication; that one could just as well be attributed to faulty or impaired senses as the other. He failed to see that this revelation didn’t impact the integrity of his actions; that his motives still deserved respect from others; that his preference for what was truly good and his unwavering sense of duty remained strong in his heart.
It is not for me to pursue him through the ghastly changes of his countenance. Words he had none. Now he sat upon the floor, motionless in all his limbs, with his eyes glazed and fixed; a monument of woe.
It’s not my place to follow him through the horrifying changes in his face. He had no words. Now he sat on the floor, completely still, his eyes glassy and staring; a symbol of sorrow.
Anon a spirit of tempestuous but undesigning activity seized him. He rose from his place and strode across the floor, tottering and at random. His eyes were without moisture, and gleamed with the fire that consumed his vitals. The muscles of his face were agitated by convulsion. His lips moved, but no sound escaped him.
Suddenly, a wild and uncontrollable energy took hold of him. He got up from where he was sitting and walked across the room, unsteady and aimless. His eyes were dry and shone with a fierce intensity that seemed to burn him from within. His facial muscles twitched involuntarily. His lips moved, but no words came out.
That nature should long sustain this conflict was not to be believed. My state was little different from that of my brother. I entered, as it were, into his thought. My heart was visited and rent by his pangs—Oh that thy phrenzy had never been cured! that thy madness, with its blissful visions, would return! or, if that must not be, that thy scene would hasten to a close! that death would cover thee with his oblivion!
It was hard to believe that nature could keep this conflict going for much longer. I felt almost the same way as my brother. I connected with his thoughts. My heart was overwhelmed and torn apart by his suffering—Oh, that your madness had never been healed! That your crazy visions would come back! Or, if that can't happen, that your struggle would quickly come to an end! That death would wrap you in its forgetfulness!
What can I wish for thee? Thou who hast vied with the great preacher of thy faith in sanctity of motives, and in elevation above sensual and selfish! Thou whom thy fate has changed into paricide and savage! Can I wish for the continuance of thy being? No.
What can I wish for you? You who have competed with the great preacher of your faith in pure intentions and in rising above desires and selfishness! You whom fate has transformed into a murderer and a savage! Can I wish for the continuation of your existence? No.
For a time his movements seemed destitute of purpose. If he walked; if he turned; if his fingers were entwined with each other; if his hands were pressed against opposite sides of his head with a force sufficient to crush it into pieces; it was to tear his mind from self-contemplation; to waste his thoughts on external objects.
For a while, his movements felt aimless. Whether he walked, turned, intertwined his fingers, or pressed his hands against the sides of his head hard enough to crush it, it was all to pull his mind away from introspection and distract his thoughts with outside things.
Speedily this train was broken. A beam appeared to be darted into his mind, which gave a purpose to his efforts. An avenue to escape presented itself; and now he eagerly gazed about him: when my thoughts became engaged by his demeanour, my fingers were stretched as by a mechanical force, and the knife, no longer heeded or of use, escaped from my grasp, and fell unperceived on the floor. His eye now lighted upon it; he seized it with the quickness of thought.
Speedily, this train of thought was interrupted. A realization struck him, giving purpose to his efforts. A way to escape opened up, and now he eagerly looked around him: when my thoughts were drawn to his behavior, my fingers seemed to move on their own, and the knife, no longer noticed or needed, slipped from my grasp and fell unnoticed to the floor. His gaze landed on it; he grabbed it quicker than a thought.
I shrieked aloud, but it was too late. He plunged it to the hilt in his neck; and his life instantly escaped with the stream that gushed from the wound. He was stretched at my feet; and my hands were sprinkled with his blood as he fell.
I screamed, but it was too late. He drove it deep into his neck, and his life instantly drained away with the blood that poured from the wound. He collapsed at my feet, and my hands were splattered with his blood as he fell.
Such was thy last deed, my brother! For a spectacle like this was it my fate to be reserved! Thy eyes were closed—thy face ghastly with death—thy arms, and the spot where thou liedest, floated in thy life's blood! These images have not, for a moment, forsaken me. Till I am breathless and cold, they must continue to hover in my sight.
Such was your last action, my brother! It was my fate to witness a scene like this! Your eyes were closed—your face pale from death—your arms, and the place where you lay, soaked in your blood! These images have not left my mind for even a second. Until I am breathless and cold, they will continue to linger before my eyes.
Carwin, as I said, had left the room, but he still lingered in the house. My voice summoned him to my aid; but I scarcely noticed his re-entrance, and now faintly recollect his terrified looks, his broken exclamations, his vehement avowals of innocence, the effusions of his pity for me, and his offers of assistance.
Carwin, as I mentioned, had left the room, but he was still hanging around the house. My voice called for him to come help me; I barely noticed when he came back in, and now I can only vaguely remember his scared expressions, his broken words, his passionate claims of innocence, his outpouring of sympathy for me, and his offers to help.
I did not listen—I answered him not—I ceased to upbraid or accuse. His guilt was a point to which I was indifferent. Ruffian or devil, black as hell or bright as angels, thenceforth he was nothing to me. I was incapable of sparing a look or a thought from the ruin that was spread at my feet.
I didn't listen—I didn't respond—I stopped blaming or accusing. His guilt was something I didn't care about. Whether he was a thug or a devil, as dark as hell or as bright as angels, he became irrelevant to me. I couldn't spare a glance or a thought from the destruction that lay before me.
When he left me, I was scarcely conscious of any variation in the scene. He informed the inhabitants of the hut of what had passed, and they flew to the spot. Careless of his own safety, he hasted to the city to inform my friends of my condition.
When he left me, I barely noticed any change in the situation. He told the people in the hut what had happened, and they rushed to the scene. Ignoring his own safety, he hurried to the city to update my friends on my condition.
My uncle speedily arrived at the house. The body of Wieland was removed from my presence, and they supposed that I would follow it; but no, my home is ascertained; here I have taken up my rest, and never will I go hence, till, like Wieland, I am borne to my grave.
My uncle quickly arrived at the house. They took Wieland's body away from me, and they thought I would follow it; but no, I've settled here; this is my home now, and I won't leave until, like Wieland, I'm carried to my grave.
Importunity was tried in vain: they threatened to remove me by violence—nay, violence was used; but my soul prizes too dearly this little roof to endure to be bereaved of it. Force should not prevail when the hoary locks and supplicating tears of my uncle were ineffectual. My repugnance to move gave birth to ferociousness and phrenzy when force was employed, and they were obliged to consent to my return.
Importunity was tried in vain: they threatened to remove me by force—actually, they did use force; but I value this little home too much to let it be taken from me. No amount of aggression should win when my uncle’s gray hair and pleading tears couldn’t do anything. My unwillingness to leave turned into anger and fury when they tried to force me out, and they had to agree to let me come back.
They besought me—they remonstrated—they appealed to every duty that connected me with him that made me, and with my fellow-men—in vain. While I live I will not go hence. Have I not fulfilled my destiny?
They pleaded with me—they argued with me—they appealed to every responsibility I had toward him, my own being, and my fellow human beings—in vain. As long as I live, I will not leave. Haven't I fulfilled my purpose?
Why will ye torment me with your reasonings and reproofs? Can ye restore to me the hope of my better days? Can ye give me back Catharine and her babes? Can ye recall to life him who died at my feet?
Why are you going to torment me with your arguments and criticisms? Can you bring back the hope of my better days? Can you return Catharine and her children to me? Can you bring to life the one who died at my feet?
I will eat—I will drink—I will lie down and rise up at your bidding—all I ask is the choice of my abode. What is there unreasonable in this demand? Shortly will I be at peace. This is the spot which I have chosen in which to breathe my last sigh. Deny me not, I beseech you, so slight a boon.
I will eat—I will drink—I will lie down and get up at your request—all I ask is to choose where I live. What's unreasonable about this request? Soon I will be at peace. This is the place I've chosen to take my last breath. Please don’t deny me such a small favor.
Talk not to me, O my revered friend! of Carwin. He has told thee his tale, and thou exculpatest him from all direct concern in the fate of Wieland. This scene of havock was produced by an illusion of the senses. Be it so: I care not from what source these disasters have flowed; it suffices that they have swallowed up our hopes and our existence.
Don’t talk to me, my respected friend, about Carwin. He has shared his story with you, and you absolve him of any direct involvement in Wieland’s fate. This chaos was created by an illusion of the senses. Fine, but I don’t care where these disasters came from; it’s enough that they have consumed our hopes and our lives.
What his agency began, his agency conducted to a close. He intended, by the final effort of his power, to rescue me and to banish his illusions from my brother. Such is his tale, concerning the truth of which I care not. Henceforth I foster but one wish—I ask only quick deliverance from life and all the ills that attend it.—
What his agency started, his agency brought to an end. He intended, with the last bit of his power, to save me and to get rid of his illusions about my brother. That's his story, and I don't care whether it's true or not. From now on, I hold only one wish—I just want to quickly escape from life and all the troubles that come with it.—
Go wretch! torment me not with thy presence and thy prayers.—Forgive thee? Will that avail thee when thy fateful hour shall arrive? Be thou acquitted at thy own tribunal, and thou needest not fear the verdict of others. If thy guilt be capable of blacker hues, if hitherto thy conscience be without stain, thy crime will be made more flagrant by thus violating my retreat. Take thyself away from my sight if thou wouldest not behold my death!
Go away, wretch! Don’t torment me with your presence and your prayers. —Forgive you? Will that help you when your time comes? If you can justify yourself, then you don’t need to worry about what others think. If your guilt can get any darker, if your conscience is still clean, your crime will only look worse by invading my solitude. Get out of my sight if you don’t want to see my death!
Thou are gone! murmuring and reluctant! And now my repose is coming—my work is done!
You are gone! Whispering and hesitant! And now my peace is here—my work is finished!
Chapter XXVII
[Written three years after the foregoing, and dated at Montpellier.]
[Written three years after the previous text, and dated in Montpellier.]
I imagined that I had forever laid aside the pen; and that I should take up my abode in this part of the world, was of all events the least probable. My destiny I believed to be accomplished, and I looked forward to a speedy termination of my life with the fullest confidence.
I thought I had completely set aside the pen; and that I would make my home in this part of the world was the least likely of all events. I believed my destiny was settled, and I anticipated the end of my life with complete confidence.
Surely I had reason to be weary of existence, to be impatient of every tie which held me from the grave. I experienced this impatience in its fullest extent. I was not only enamoured of death, but conceived, from the condition of my frame, that to shun it was impossible, even though I had ardently desired it; yet here am I, a thousand leagues from my native soil, in full possession of life and of health, and not destitute of happiness.
Surely I had a reason to be tired of life, to be frustrated with every connection that kept me from the grave. I felt this frustration to the fullest. I wasn't just in love with death, but I also believed, because of my condition, that avoiding it was impossible, even though I wanted to; yet here I am, a thousand miles away from my home, fully alive and healthy, and not lacking in happiness.
Such is man. Time will obliterate the deepest impressions. Grief the most vehement and hopeless, will gradually decay and wear itself out. Arguments may be employed in vain: every moral prescription may be ineffectually tried: remonstrances, however cogent or pathetic, shall have no power over the attention, or shall be repelled with disdain; yet, as day follows day, the turbulence of our emotions shall subside, and our fluctuations be finally succeeded by a calm.
Such is humanity. Over time, even the strongest feelings will fade away. Grief, no matter how intense or hopeless, will eventually lessen and wear itself out. Efforts to reason may be fruitless; every moral appeal might be useless; protests, no matter how compelling or emotional, won’t capture our attention and may be met with indifference. Yet, as each day goes by, the chaos of our emotions will settle, and our ups and downs will finally give way to peace.
Perhaps, however, the conquest of despair was chiefly owing to an accident which rendered my continuance in my own house impossible. At the conclusion of my long, and, as I then supposed, my last letter to you, I mentioned my resolution to wait for death in the very spot which had been the principal scene of my misfortunes. From this resolution my friends exerted themselves with the utmost zeal and perseverance to make me depart. They justly imagined that to be thus surrounded by memorials of the fate of my family, would tend to foster my disease. A swift succession of new objects, and the exclusion of every thing calculated to remind me of my loss, was the only method of cure.
Maybe, though, overcoming despair was mostly due to an accident that made it impossible for me to stay in my own house. At the end of my long letter to you, which I thought would be my last, I shared my decision to wait for death in the exact place that had been the main backdrop of my misfortunes. My friends worked hard and persistently to get me to leave. They rightly believed that being surrounded by reminders of my family's fate would only worsen my condition. Introducing a rapid succession of new sights and keeping away everything that reminded me of my loss was the only way to heal.
I refused to listen to their exhortations. Great as my calamity was, to be torn from this asylum was regarded by me as an aggravation of it. By a perverse constitution of mind, he was considered as my greatest enemy who sought to withdraw me from a scene which supplied eternal food to my melancholy, and kept my despair from languishing.
I ignored their pleas. No matter how severe my situation was, being ripped away from this refuge felt like an even bigger blow. In my twisted way of thinking, the person trying to pull me out of this place, which constantly fed my sadness and kept my despair from fading, seemed like my worst enemy.
In relating the history of these disasters I derived a similar species of gratification. My uncle earnestly dissuaded me from this task; but his remonstrances were as fruitless on this head as they had been on others. They would have withheld from me the implements of writing; but they quickly perceived that to withstand would be more injurious than to comply with my wishes. Having finished my tale, it seemed as if the scene were closing. A fever lurked in my veins, and my strength was gone. Any exertion, however slight, was attended with difficulty, and, at length, I refused to rise from my bed.
While recounting the history of these disasters, I found a kind of satisfaction. My uncle strongly urged me not to take on this task, but his protests were just as ineffective as they had been before. They would have tried to take away my writing materials, but they soon realized that resisting me would be more harmful than giving in to my wishes. After I completed my story, it felt like the curtain was dropping. I had a fever coursing through my body, and my strength had vanished. Even the slightest effort was a struggle, and ultimately, I refused to get out of bed.
I now see the infatuation and injustice of my conduct in its true colours. I reflect upon the sensations and reasonings of that period with wonder and humiliation. That I should be insensible to the claims and tears of my friends; that I should overlook the suggestions of duty, and fly from that post in which only I could be instrumental to the benefit of others; that the exercise of the social and beneficent affections, the contemplation of nature and the acquisition of wisdom should not be seen to be means of happiness still within my reach, is, at this time, scarcely credible.
I now recognize the obsession and unfairness of my actions for what they really were. I look back on the feelings and thoughts I had during that time with a sense of amazement and shame. How could I have been blind to the needs and tears of my friends? How could I have ignored my responsibilities and run away from a position where I alone could help others? The idea that engaging in social and generous feelings, appreciating nature, and seeking knowledge weren’t seen as ways to find happiness still within my grasp is, at this moment, hard to believe.
It is true that I am now changed; but I have not the consolation to reflect that my change was owing to my fortitude or to my capacity for instruction. Better thoughts grew up in my mind imperceptibly. I cannot but congratulate myself on the change, though, perhaps, it merely argues a fickleness of temper, and a defect of sensibility.
I’ve definitely changed, but I can’t take comfort in thinking that my change came from my strength or my ability to learn. Better thoughts crept into my mind without me noticing. I can’t help but feel pleased about the change, even though it might just show that I’m a bit fickle and lack sensitivity.
After my narrative was ended I betook myself to my bed, in the full belief that my career in this world was on the point of finishing. My uncle took up his abode with me, and performed for me every office of nurse, physician and friend. One night, after some hours of restlessness and pain, I sunk into deep sleep. Its tranquillity, however, was of no long duration. My fancy became suddenly distempered, and my brain was turned into a theatre of uproar and confusion. It would not be easy to describe the wild and phantastical incongruities that pestered me. My uncle, Wieland, Pleyel and Carwin were successively and momently discerned amidst the storm. Sometimes I was swallowed up by whirlpools, or caught up in the air by half-seen and gigantic forms, and thrown upon pointed rocks, or cast among the billows. Sometimes gleams of light were shot into a dark abyss, on the verge of which I was standing, and enabled me to discover, for a moment, its enormous depth and hideous precipices. Anon, I was transported to some ridge of AEtna, and made a terrified spectator of its fiery torrents and its pillars of smoke.
After I finished my story, I went to bed, fully believing that my time in this world was about to come to an end. My uncle moved in with me and took on the roles of nurse, doctor, and friend. One night, after hours of restlessness and pain, I finally fell into a deep sleep. However, the peace didn’t last long. Suddenly, my mind became disturbed, and my brain turned into a chaotic theater. It’s hard to describe the strange and wild thoughts that troubled me. My uncle, Wieland, Pleyel, and Carwin appeared and vanished amidst the turmoil. Sometimes I felt like I was being swallowed by whirlpools, or lifted into the air by gigantic, half-seen shapes, only to be thrown onto sharp rocks or tossed around by waves. At times, flashes of light pierced a dark abyss I was teetering on the edge of, revealing its vast depth and terrifying cliffs. Then I was transported to a ridge of Mt. Etna, where I was a scared onlooker to its fiery flows and columns of smoke.
However strange it may seem, I was conscious, even during my dream, of my real situation. I knew myself to be asleep, and struggled to break the spell, by muscular exertions. These did not avail, and I continued to suffer these abortive creations till a loud voice, at my bed side, and some one shaking me with violence, put an end to my reverie. My eyes were unsealed, and I started from my pillow.
However strange it may seem, I was aware, even in my dream, of my real situation. I knew I was asleep and tried to break the spell through physical effort. These efforts didn’t help, and I kept enduring these failed visions until a loud voice beside my bed and someone shaking me violently brought my reverie to an end. My eyes were opened, and I jumped up from my pillow.
My chamber was filled with smoke, which, though in some degree luminous, would permit me to see nothing, and by which I was nearly suffocated. The crackling of flames, and the deafening clamour of voices without, burst upon my ears. Stunned as I was by this hubbub, scorched with heat, and nearly choaked by the accumulating vapours, I was unable to think or act for my own preservation; I was incapable, indeed, of comprehending my danger.
My room was filled with smoke that, although somewhat bright, made it impossible for me to see anything and was suffocating me. The crackling of flames and the loud chaos of voices outside overwhelmed my ears. Dazed by all the noise, scorched by the heat, and nearly choked by the rising fumes, I couldn't think or act to save myself; I was completely unable to grasp how much danger I was in.
I was caught up, in an instant, by a pair of sinewy arms, borne to the window, and carried down a ladder which had been placed there. My uncle stood at the bottom and received me. I was not fully aware of my situation till I found myself sheltered in the HUT, and surrounded by its inhabitants.
I was suddenly grabbed by a pair of strong arms, taken to the window, and lowered down a ladder that was set up there. My uncle was at the bottom waiting to catch me. I didn’t fully understand what was happening until I found myself safe inside the HUT, surrounded by the people living there.
By neglect of the servant, some unextinguished embers had been placed in a barrel in the cellar of the building. The barrel had caught fire; this was communicated to the beams of the lower floor, and thence to the upper part of the structure. It was first discovered by some persons at a distance, who hastened to the spot and alarmed my uncle and the servants. The flames had already made considerable progress, and my condition was overlooked till my escape was rendered nearly impossible.
Due to the caretaker's negligence, some smoldering embers had been left in a barrel in the building's cellar. The barrel had caught fire, which spread to the beams on the lower floor and then to the upper part of the building. It was first noticed by a few people nearby, who rushed over and alerted my uncle and the staff. The flames had already spread significantly, and my situation was ignored until my escape became almost impossible.
My danger being known, and a ladder quickly procured, one of the spectators ascended to my chamber, and effected my deliverance in the manner before related.
My danger being known, and a ladder quickly obtained, one of the spectators climbed up to my room and rescued me as described before.
This incident, disastrous as it may at first seem, had, in reality, a beneficial effect upon my feelings. I was, in some degree, roused from the stupor which had seized my faculties. The monotonous and gloomy series of my thoughts was broken. My habitation was levelled with the ground, and I was obliged to seek a new one. A new train of images, disconnected with the fate of my family, forced itself on my attention, and a belief insensibly sprung up, that tranquillity, if not happiness, was still within my reach. Notwithstanding the shocks which my frame had endured, the anguish of my thoughts no sooner abated than I recovered my health.
This incident, as disastrous as it may seem at first, actually had a positive effect on my feelings. I was, to some extent, shaken out of the stupor that had overtaken me. The monotony and gloom of my thoughts were interrupted. My home was destroyed, and I had to find a new one. A new set of images, unrelated to my family's fate, took over my thoughts, and I gradually began to believe that peace, if not happiness, was still within my reach. Despite the physical and emotional turmoil I had experienced, as soon as the anguish of my thoughts eased, I regained my health.
I now willingly listened to my uncle's solicitations to be the companion of his voyage. Preparations were easily made, and after a tedious passage, we set our feet on the shore of the ancient world. The memory of the past did not forsake me; but the melancholy which it generated, and the tears with which it filled my eyes, were not unprofitable. My curiosity was revived, and I contemplated, with ardour, the spectacle of living manners and the monuments of past ages.
I now happily agreed to my uncle's request to join him on his trip. It was easy to get ready, and after a long journey, we finally set foot on the shores of the ancient world. I couldn’t shake off memories of the past; the sadness it brought and the tears in my eyes weren’t in vain. My curiosity was reignited, and I eagerly took in the vibrant culture and the remnants of earlier times.
In proportion as my heart was reinstated in the possession of its ancient tranquillity, the sentiment which I had cherished with regard to Pleyel returned. In a short time he was united to the Saxon woman, and made his residence in the neighbourhood of Boston. I was glad that circumstances would not permit an interview to take place between us. I could not desire their misery; but I reaped no pleasure from reflecting on their happiness. Time, and the exertions of my fortitude, cured me, in some degree, of this folly. I continued to love him, but my passion was disguised to myself; I considered it merely as a more tender species of friendship, and cherished it without compunction.
As my heart regained its old peace, the feelings I had for Pleyel came back. Soon enough, he married the Saxon woman and settled down near Boston. I was relieved that circumstances kept us from meeting. I couldn't wish them unhappiness, but I didn't take any joy in thinking about their happiness. Over time, and with some effort on my part, I managed to move past this foolishness to some extent. I still loved him, but I disguised my feelings; I told myself it was just a deeper kind of friendship and embraced it without guilt.
Through my uncle's exertions a meeting was brought about between Carwin and Pleyel, and explanations took place which restored me at once to the good opinion of the latter. Though separated so widely our correspondence was punctual and frequent, and paved the way for that union which can only end with the death of one of us.
Through my uncle's efforts, a meeting happened between Carwin and Pleyel, and they had discussions that immediately restored Pleyel's good opinion of me. Even though we were so far apart, we kept in touch regularly and often, which laid the groundwork for a bond that will last until one of us dies.
In my letters to him I made no secret of my former sentiments. This was a theme on which I could talk without painful, though not without delicate emotions. That knowledge which I should never have imparted to a lover, I felt little scruple to communicate to a friend.
In my letters to him, I was open about my past feelings. This was a topic I could discuss without great discomfort, though it still brought up some sensitive emotions. The things I would never share with a romantic partner, I felt no hesitation in telling a friend.
A year and an half elapsed when Theresa was snatched from him by death, in the hour in which she gave him the first pledge of their mutual affection. This event was borne by him with his customary fortitude. It induced him, however, to make a change in his plans. He disposed of his property in America, and joined my uncle and me, who had terminated the wanderings of two years at Montpellier, which will henceforth, I believe, be our permanent abode.
A year and a half passed when Theresa was taken from him by death, at the moment she gave him the first sign of their shared love. He faced this event with his usual strength. However, it led him to change his plans. He sold his property in America and joined my uncle and me, who had ended our two years of wandering in Montpellier, which I believe will now be our permanent home.
If you reflect upon that entire confidence which had subsisted from our infancy between Pleyel and myself; on the passion that I had contracted, and which was merely smothered for a time; and on the esteem which was mutual, you will not, perhaps, be surprized that the renovation of our intercourse should give birth to that union which at present subsists. When the period had elapsed necessary to weaken the remembrance of Theresa, to whom he had been bound by ties more of honor than of love, he tendered his affections to me. I need not add that the tender was eagerly accepted.
If you think about the deep trust that has existed since childhood between Pleyel and me, the passion I had that was just held back for a while, and the mutual respect we shared, you might not be surprised that the revival of our relationship led to the connection we have now. Once enough time had passed to ease the memory of Theresa, to whom he was tied more by honor than by love, he offered his heart to me. I don’t need to mention that I eagerly accepted his offer.
Perhaps you are somewhat interested in the fate of Carwin. He saw, when too late, the danger of imposture. So much affected was he by the catastrophe to which he was a witness, that he laid aside all regard to his own safety. He sought my uncle, and confided to him the tale which he had just related to me. He found a more impartial and indulgent auditor in Mr. Cambridge, who imputed to maniacal illusion the conduct of Wieland, though he conceived the previous and unseen agency of Carwin, to have indirectly but powerfully predisposed to this deplorable perversion of mind.
You might be curious about what happened to Carwin. He realized, too late, the risks of deception. He was so shaken by the tragic events he witnessed that he completely disregarded his own safety. He sought out my uncle and shared the story he had just told me. He found a more open-minded and understanding listener in Mr. Cambridge, who attributed Wieland's behavior to a kind of madness, though he believed that Carwin's earlier and hidden actions had indirectly but strongly influenced this unfortunate breakdown of judgment.
It was easy for Carwin to elude the persecutions of Ludloe. It was merely requisite to hide himself in a remote district of Pennsylvania. This, when he parted from us, he determined to do. He is now probably engaged in the harmless pursuits of agriculture, and may come to think, without insupportable remorse, on the evils to which his fatal talents have given birth. The innocence and usefulness of his future life may, in some degree, atone for the miseries so rashly or so thoughtlessly inflicted.
It was easy for Carwin to escape Ludloe's pursuit. All he had to do was hide in a remote area of Pennsylvania. This is what he decided to do when he left us. He’s probably now focused on the simple life of farming and might reflect, without overwhelming guilt, on the troubles his dangerous abilities have caused. The innocence and usefulness of his future life may somewhat make up for the suffering he carelessly or recklessly caused.
More urgent considerations hindered me from mentioning, in the course of my former mournful recital, any particulars respecting the unfortunate father of Louisa Conway. That man surely was reserved to be a monument of capricious fortune. His southern journies being finished, he returned to Philadelphia. Before he reached the city he left the highway, and alighted at my brother's door. Contrary to his expectation, no one came forth to welcome him, or hail his approach. He attempted to enter the house, but bolted doors, barred windows, and a silence broken only by unanswered calls, shewed him that the mansion was deserted.
More urgent matters prevented me from mentioning, during my previous sad story, any details about the unfortunate father of Louisa Conway. That man truly seemed destined to be a testament to fickle fortune. After finishing his travels in the south, he returned to Philadelphia. Before he reached the city, he stepped off the main road and arrived at my brother's door. Contrary to his expectations, no one came out to greet him or acknowledge his arrival. He tried to enter the house, but locked doors, barred windows, and a silence broken only by unanswered calls showed him that the home was empty.
He proceeded thence to my habitation, which he found, in like manner, gloomy and tenantless. His surprize may be easily conceived. The rustics who occupied the hut told him an imperfect and incredible tale. He hasted to the city, and extorted from Mrs. Baynton a full disclosure of late disasters.
He then made his way to my home, which he found just as dark and empty. It’s easy to imagine his surprise. The locals living in the hut shared an incomplete and unbelievable story with him. He quickly went to the city and forced Mrs. Baynton to reveal everything that had happened recently.
He was inured to adversity, and recovered, after no long time, from the shocks produced by this disappointment of his darling scheme. Our intercourse did not terminate with his departure from America. We have since met with him in France, and light has at length been thrown upon the motives which occasioned the disappearance of his wife, in the manner which I formerly related to you.
He was accustomed to hardship and bounced back relatively quickly from the disappointment of his cherished plan. Our communication didn’t end when he left America. We have since seen him in France, and at last, we’ve gained insight into the reasons behind his wife’s disappearance, as I previously explained to you.
I have dwelt upon the ardour of their conjugal attachment, and mentioned that no suspicion had ever glanced upon her purity. This, though the belief was long cherished, recent discoveries have shewn to be questionable. No doubt her integrity would have survived to the present moment, if an extraordinary fate had not befallen her.
I have reflected on the intensity of their marital bond and noted that no one ever doubted her purity. While this belief was held for a long time, recent findings have called it into question. There’s no doubt her integrity would have remained intact to this day if an unusual fate hadn’t occurred.
Major Stuart had been engaged, while in Germany, in a contest of honor with an Aid de Camp of the Marquis of Granby. His adversary had propagated a rumour injurious to his character. A challenge was sent; a meeting ensued; and Stuart wounded and disarmed the calumniator. The offence was atoned for, and his life secured by suitable concessions.
Major Stuart was in Germany, facing an honor duel with an aide to the Marquis of Granby. His opponent had spread a damaging rumor about him. A challenge was issued, they met, and Stuart ended up wounding and disarming the slanderer. The offense was resolved, and his life was spared through appropriate compromises.
Maxwell, that was his name, shortly after, in consequence of succeeding to a rich inheritance, sold his commission and returned to London. His fortune was speedily augmented by an opulent marriage. Interest was his sole inducement to this marriage, though the lady had been swayed by a credulous affection. The true state of his heart was quickly discovered, and a separation, by mutual consent, took place. The lady withdrew to an estate in a distant county, and Maxwell continued to consume his time and fortune in the dissipation of the capital.
Maxwell, that was his name, soon after selling his commission and returning to London due to a large inheritance. His wealth quickly grew when he married an affluent woman. He was motivated solely by financial interests for this marriage, while the lady had been led by trusting feelings. The truth about his feelings was soon revealed, and they agreed to separate. The lady moved to an estate in a far-off county, while Maxwell continued to waste his time and money in extravagance in the capital.
Maxwell, though deceitful and sensual, possessed great force of mind and specious accomplishments. He contrived to mislead the generous mind of Stuart, and to regain the esteem which his misconduct, for a time, had forfeited. He was recommended by her husband to the confidence of Mrs. Stuart. Maxwell was stimulated by revenge, and by a lawless passion, to convert this confidence into a source of guilt.
Maxwell, despite being dishonest and indulgent, had a strong intellect and impressive skills. He managed to mislead the kind-hearted Stuart and win back the respect he had temporarily lost due to his wrongdoings. Her husband recommended him to Mrs. Stuart, earning her trust. Maxwell was driven by a desire for revenge and an uncontrollable passion, aiming to turn this trust into something shameful.
The education and capacity of this woman, the worth of her husband, the pledge of their alliance which time had produced, her maturity in age and knowledge of the world—all combined to render this attempt hopeless. Maxwell, however, was not easily discouraged. The most perfect being, he believed, must owe his exemption from vice to the absence of temptation. The impulses of love are so subtile, and the influence of false reasoning, when enforced by eloquence and passion, so unbounded, that no human virtue is secure from degeneracy. All arts being tried, every temptation being summoned to his aid, dissimulation being carried to its utmost bound, Maxwell, at length, nearly accomplished his purpose. The lady's affections were withdrawn from her husband and transferred to him. She could not, as yet, be reconciled to dishonor. All efforts to induce her to elope with him were ineffectual. She permitted herself to love, and to avow her love; but at this limit she stopped, and was immoveable.
The education and abilities of this woman, the value of her husband, the commitment of their marriage forged by time, and her maturity in age and life experience—all of these factors made this attempt seem hopeless. However, Maxwell was not easily discouraged. He believed that the most perfect person must be free from vice simply because they have never faced temptation. The impulses of love are so subtle, and the power of misleading arguments, especially when combined with charm and passion, is so immense that no human virtue is safe from corruption. After trying every possible approach, summoning all temptations to his aid, and taking deceit to its farthest limit, Maxwell finally came close to achieving his goal. The lady's affections shifted from her husband to him. However, she couldn't yet reconcile herself to dishonor. All attempts to convince her to run away with him failed. She allowed herself to love and to admit her feelings, but she stopped at that point and remained resolute.
Hence this revolution in her sentiments was productive only of despair. Her rectitude of principle preserved her from actual guilt, but could not restore to her her ancient affection, or save her from being the prey of remorseful and impracticable wishes. Her husband's absence produced a state of suspense. This, however, approached to a period, and she received tidings of his intended return. Maxwell, being likewise apprized of this event, and having made a last and unsuccessful effort to conquer her reluctance to accompany him in a journey to Italy, whither he pretended an invincible necessity of going, left her to pursue the measures which despair might suggest. At the same time she received a letter from the wife of Maxwell, unveiling the true character of this man, and revealing facts which the artifices of her seducer had hitherto concealed from her. Mrs. Maxwell had been prompted to this disclosure by a knowledge of her husband's practices, with which his own impetuosity had made her acquainted.
So, this change in her feelings only led to despair. Her strong principles kept her from actual wrongdoing, but couldn’t bring back her old love or protect her from being consumed by regretful and unrealistic desires. Her husband’s absence left her in a state of uncertainty. However, this was about to end as she got news of his upcoming return. Maxwell, who was also notified of this, had made one last unsuccessful attempt to convince her to join him on a trip to Italy, which he claimed was absolutely necessary. He then left her to follow the course that despair might suggest. At the same time, she received a letter from Maxwell's wife, revealing the true nature of this man and exposing facts that her seducer had hidden from her. Mrs. Maxwell was prompted to reveal this because she knew about her husband’s actions, which his impulsiveness had made clear to her.
This discovery, joined to the delicacy of her scruples and the anguish of remorse, induced her to abscond. This scheme was adopted in haste, but effected with consummate prudence. She fled, on the eve of her husband's arrival, in the disguise of a boy, and embarked at Falmouth in a packet bound for America.
This discovery, combined with her sensitive conscience and feelings of guilt, led her to run away. She planned this escape quickly, but carried it out with great caution. She fled on the night before her husband was due to arrive, disguised as a boy, and boarded a ship at Falmouth heading for America.
The history of her disastrous intercourse with Maxwell, the motives inducing her to forsake her country, and the measures she had taken to effect her design, were related to Mrs. Maxwell, in reply to her communication. Between these women an ancient intimacy and considerable similitude of character subsisted. This disclosure was accompanied with solemn injunctions of secrecy, and these injunctions were, for a long time, faithfully observed.
The story of her terrible relationship with Maxwell, the reasons that made her leave her country, and the steps she took to carry out her plan were shared with Mrs. Maxwell in response to her message. There was a long-standing closeness and significant similarities in character between these two women. This revelation came with serious requests for confidentiality, and those requests were kept for a long time.
Mrs. Maxwell's abode was situated on the banks of the Wey. Stuart was her kinsman; their youth had been spent together; and Maxwell was in some degree indebted to the man whom he betrayed, for his alliance with this unfortunate lady. Her esteem for the character of Stuart had never been diminished. A meeting between them was occasioned by a tour which the latter had undertaken, in the year after his return from America, to Wales and the western counties. This interview produced pleasure and regret in each. Their own transactions naturally became the topics of their conversation; and the untimely fate of his wife and daughter were related by the guest.
Mrs. Maxwell lived by the banks of the Wey. Stuart was her relative; they had spent their youth together, and Maxwell owed some gratitude to the man he betrayed for his connection with this unfortunate woman. Her respect for Stuart's character had never wavered. They met during a trip Stuart took the year after he came back from America, traveling through Wales and the western counties. This meeting brought both joy and sadness to them. Their own experiences naturally became the subjects of their conversation, and the guest shared the tragic story of his wife and daughter.
Mrs. Maxwell's regard for her friend, as well as for the safety of her husband, persuaded her to concealment; but the former being dead, and the latter being out of the kingdom, she ventured to produce Mrs. Stuart's letter, and to communicate her own knowledge of the treachery of Maxwell. She had previously extorted from her guest a promise not to pursue any scheme of vengeance; but this promise was made while ignorant of the full extent of Maxwell's depravity, and his passion refused to adhere to it.
Mrs. Maxwell's concern for her friend and her husband's safety led her to keep things hidden. But now that the former was dead and the latter was out of the country, she decided to share Mrs. Stuart's letter and reveal what she knew about Maxwell's betrayal. She had already secured a promise from her guest not to seek revenge, but that promise was made before she understood the full extent of Maxwell's wrongdoing, and her emotions couldn’t stick to it.
At this time my uncle and I resided at Avignon. Among the English resident there, and with whom we maintained a social intercourse, was Maxwell. This man's talents and address rendered him a favorite both with my uncle and myself. He had even tendered me his hand in marriage; but this being refused, he had sought and obtained permission to continue with us the intercourse of friendship. Since a legal marriage was impossible, no doubt, his views were flagitious. Whether he had relinquished these views I was unable to judge.
At this time, my uncle and I lived in Avignon. Among the English residents there, with whom we socialized, was Maxwell. This man's skills and charm made him a favorite of both my uncle and me. He had even proposed to me, but after I declined, he asked to remain friends, and we continued our friendship. Since a legal marriage was not possible, it's likely his intentions were questionable. I couldn’t tell if he had given up on those intentions.
He was one in a large circle at a villa in the environs, to which I had likewise been invited, when Stuart abruptly entered the apartment. He was recognized with genuine satisfaction by me, and with seeming pleasure by Maxwell. In a short time, some affair of moment being pleaded, which required an immediate and exclusive interview, Maxwell and he withdrew together. Stuart and my uncle had been known to each other in the German army; and the purpose contemplated by the former in this long and hasty journey, was confided to his old friend.
He was part of a large group at a villa nearby, where I had also been invited, when Stuart suddenly walked into the room. I was genuinely happy to see him, and Maxwell seemed pleased as well. Soon after, some important matter came up that needed a private conversation, so Maxwell and he left together. Stuart and my uncle had known each other in the German army, and the reason behind Stuart’s quick trip was shared with his old friend.
A defiance was given and received, and the banks of a rivulet, about a league from the city, was selected as the scene of this contest. My uncle, having exerted himself in vain to prevent an hostile meeting, consented to attend them as a surgeon.—Next morning, at sun-rise, was the time chosen.
A challenge was issued and accepted, and the banks of a small stream, about a mile from the city, were chosen as the location for this duel. My uncle, having tried unsuccessfully to stop the hostile meeting, agreed to go as a surgeon. The next morning, at sunrise, was the appointed time.
I returned early in the evening to my lodgings. Preliminaries being settled between the combatants, Stuart had consented to spend the evening with us, and did not retire till late. On the way to his hotel he was exposed to no molestation, but just as he stepped within the portico, a swarthy and malignant figure started from behind a column. and plunged a stiletto into his body.
I got back to my place early in the evening. After the initial details were sorted out between the fighters, Stuart agreed to hang out with us for the night and didn’t leave until late. On his way to the hotel, he faced no trouble, but just as he stepped under the entrance, a dark and threatening figure jumped out from behind a column and stabbed him with a knife.
The author of this treason could not certainly be discovered; but the details communicated by Stuart, respecting the history of Maxwell, naturally pointed him out as an object of suspicion. No one expressed more concern, on account of this disaster, than he; and he pretended an ardent zeal to vindicate his character from the aspersions that were cast upon it. Thenceforth, however, I denied myself to his visits; and shortly after he disappeared from this scene.
The author of this betrayal couldn't be definitely identified; however, the details shared by Stuart regarding Maxwell's history clearly made him a suspect. No one seemed more worried about this disaster than he was; he claimed to be eager to clear his name from the accusations being thrown at it. From then on, I stopped accepting his visits, and soon after, he vanished from this place.
Few possessed more estimable qualities, and a better title to happiness and the tranquil honors of long life, than the mother and father of Louisa Conway: yet they were cut off in the bloom of their days; and their destiny was thus accomplished by the same hand. Maxwell was the instrument of their destruction, though the instrument was applied to this end in so different a manner.
Few had more admirable qualities or a stronger claim to happiness and the peaceful rewards of a long life than Louisa Conway's parents. Yet, they were taken from this world in the prime of their lives, and their fate was sealed by the same hand. Maxwell was the cause of their downfall, although it came about in such a different way.
I leave you to moralize on this tale. That virtue should become the victim of treachery is, no doubt, a mournful consideration; but it will not escape your notice, that the evils of which Carwin and Maxwell were the authors, owed their existence to the errors of the sufferers. All efforts would have been ineffectual to subvert the happiness or shorten the existence of the Stuarts, if their own frailty had not seconded these efforts. If the lady had crushed her disastrous passion in the bud, and driven the seducer from her presence, when the tendency of his artifices was seen; if Stuart had not admitted the spirit of absurd revenge, we should not have had to deplore this catastrophe. If Wieland had framed juster notions of moral duty, and of the divine attributes; or if I had been gifted with ordinary equanimity or foresight, the double-tongued deceiver would have been baffled and repelled.
I leave you to reflect on this story. It’s definitely sad that virtue should fall victim to betrayal; however, you’ll likely notice that the harm caused by Carwin and Maxwell stemmed from the mistakes of the victims. Without their own weaknesses, nothing could have undermined the happiness or cut short the lives of the Stuarts. If the lady had squashed her disastrous infatuation early and sent the seducer away when she recognized his manipulations; if Stuart hadn’t let himself be consumed by foolish revenge, we wouldn’t have to mourn this tragedy. If Wieland had had a better understanding of moral duty and divine qualities; or if I had possessed a bit of common calm or foresight, the two-faced deceiver would have been thwarted and shut out.
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