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FATHER SERGIUS
By Leo Tolstoy
Contents
I
In Petersburg in the eighteen-forties a surprising event occurred. An officer of the Cuirassier Life Guards, a handsome prince who everyone predicted would become aide-de-camp to the Emperor Nicholas I. and have a brilliant career, left the service, broke off his engagement to a beautiful maid of honour, a favourite of the Empress’s, gave his small estate to his sister, and retired to a monastery to become a monk.
In Petersburg in the 1840s, something unexpected happened. An officer of the Cuirassier Life Guards, a handsome prince who everyone thought would become aide-de-camp to Emperor Nicholas I and have a successful career, left the military, ended his engagement to a beautiful maid of honor who was a favorite of the Empress, gave his small estate to his sister, and retired to a monastery to become a monk.
This event appeared extraordinary and inexplicable to those who did not know his inner motives, but for Prince Stepan Kasatsky himself it all occurred so naturally that he could not imagine how he could have acted otherwise.
This event seemed extraordinary and baffling to those who were unaware of his true intentions, but for Prince Stepan Kasatsky, it all unfolded so naturally that he couldn't fathom how he could have done anything different.
His father, a retired colonel of the Guards, had died when Stepan was twelve, and sorry as his mother was to part from her son, she entered him at the Military College as her deceased husband had intended.
His father, a retired colonel of the Guards, passed away when Stepan was twelve, and although his mother was sad to be separated from her son, she enrolled him in the Military College as her late husband had planned.
The widow herself, with her daughter, Varvara, moved to Petersburg to be near her son and have him with her for the holidays.
The widow, along with her daughter Varvara, moved to Petersburg to be close to her son and have him with them for the holidays.
The boy was distinguished both by his brilliant ability and by his immense self-esteem. He was first both in his studies—especially in mathematics, of which he was particularly fond—and also in drill and in riding. Though of more than average height, he was handsome and agile, and he would have been an altogether exemplary cadet had it not been for his quick temper. He was remarkably truthful, and was neither dissipated nor addicted to drink. The only faults that marred his conduct were fits of fury to which he was subject and during which he lost control of himself and became like a wild animal. He once nearly threw out of the window another cadet who had begun to tease him about his collection of minerals. On another occasion he came almost completely to grief by flinging a whole dish of cutlets at an officer who was acting as steward, attacking him and, it was said, striking him for having broken his word and told a barefaced lie. He would certainly have been reduced to the ranks had not the Director of the College hushed up the whole matter and dismissed the steward.
The boy stood out for his incredible talent and his huge self-confidence. He excelled in his studies—especially in math, which he loved—and also in drills and riding. Although he was taller than average, he was good-looking and agile, and he would have been an ideal cadet if not for his quick temper. He was very honest and wasn’t a party animal or a drinker. The only flaws in his behavior were his fits of rage, during which he would lose control and act like a wild animal. He once almost threw another cadet out of a window when that cadet started teasing him about his mineral collection. On another occasion, he almost got into serious trouble for throwing an entire plate of cutlets at an officer who was serving as steward, attacking him and, it was said, hitting him for breaking a promise and lying outright. He definitely would have faced consequences if the College Director hadn’t covered up the incident and let the steward go.
By the time he was eighteen he had finished his College course and received a commission as lieutenant in an aristocratic regiment of the Guards.
By the time he turned eighteen, he had completed his college course and received a commission as a lieutenant in a prestigious Guards regiment.
The Emperor Nicholas Pavlovich (Nicholas I) had noticed him while he was still at the College, and continued to take notice of him in the regiment, and it was on this account that people predicted for him an appointment as aide-de-camp to the Emperor. Kasatsky himself strongly desired it, not from ambition only but chiefly because since his cadet days he had been passionately devoted to Nicholas Pavlovich. The Emperor had often visited the Military College and every time Kasatsky saw that tall erect figure, with breast expanded in its military overcoat, entering with brisk step, saw the cropped side-whiskers, the moustache, the aquiline nose, and heard the sonorous voice exchanging greetings with the cadets, he was seized by the same rapture that he experienced later on when he met the woman he loved. Indeed, his passionate adoration of the Emperor was even stronger: he wished to sacrifice something—everything, even himself—to prove his complete devotion. And the Emperor Nicholas was conscious of evoking this rapture and deliberately aroused it. He played with the cadets, surrounded himself with them, treating them sometimes with childish simplicity, sometimes as a friend, and then again with majestic solemnity. After that affair with the officer, Nicholas Pavlovich said nothing to Kasatsky, but when the latter approached he waved him away theatrically, frowned, shook his finger at him, and afterwards when leaving, said: ‘Remember that I know everything. There are some things I would rather not know, but they remain here,’ and he pointed to his heart.
The Emperor Nicholas Pavlovich (Nicholas I) had noticed him while he was still at the College and continued to pay attention to him in the regiment, which is why people expected him to be appointed as aide-de-camp to the Emperor. Kasatsky himself really wanted this, not just out of ambition but mainly because he had been passionately devoted to Nicholas Pavlovich since his cadet days. The Emperor often visited the Military College, and every time Kasatsky saw that tall, upright figure with his military coat and broad chest walking briskly in, along with his cropped sideburns, mustache, and aquiline nose, and heard his deep voice greeting the cadets, he felt the same thrill he later experienced when he met the woman he loved. In fact, his intense admiration for the Emperor was even stronger: he wanted to sacrifice something—everything, even himself—to show his complete loyalty. And Emperor Nicholas was aware of the excitement he inspired and intentionally stirred it up. He interacted playfully with the cadets, sometimes treating them with childlike simplicity, other times as a friend, and then again with dignified seriousness. After the incident with the officer, Nicholas Pavlovich didn't say anything to Kasatsky, but when Kasatsky approached, he waved him away dramatically, frowned, shook his finger at him, and later, as he was leaving, said: "Remember that I know everything. There are some things I'd rather not know, but they stay here," and he pointed to his heart.
When on leaving College the cadets were received by the Emperor, he did not again refer to Kasatsky’s offence, but told them all, as was his custom, that they should serve him and the fatherland loyally, that he would always be their best friend, and that when necessary they might approach him direct. All the cadets were as usual greatly moved, and Kasatsky even shed tears, remembering the past, and vowed that he would serve his beloved Tsar with all his soul.
When the cadets left college and met with the Emperor, he didn't mention Kasatsky's mistake again. Instead, he reminded them, as he always did, to serve him and their country loyally, that he would always be their greatest supporter, and that they could come to him directly when needed. All the cadets were, as usual, deeply touched, and Kasatsky even cried, reflecting on the past, and pledged that he would serve his beloved Tsar with all his heart.
When Kasatsky took up his commission his mother moved with her daughter first to Moscow and then to their country estate. Kasatsky gave half his property to his sister and kept only enough to maintain himself in the expensive regiment he had joined.
When Kasatsky started his commission, his mother moved with her daughter first to Moscow and then to their country estate. Kasatsky gave half of his property to his sister and kept only what he needed to support himself in the pricey regiment he had joined.
To all appearance he was just an ordinary, brilliant young officer of the Guards making a career for himself; but intense and complex strivings went on within him. From early childhood his efforts had seemed to be very varied, but essentially they were all one and the same. He tried in everything he took up to attain such success and perfection as would evoke praise and surprise. Whether it was his studies or his military exercises, he took them up and worked at them till he was praised and held up as an example to others. Mastering one subject he took up another, and obtained first place in his studies. For example, while still at College he noticed in himself an awkwardness in French conversation, and contrived to master French till he spoke it as well as Russian, and then he took up chess and became an excellent player.
He seemed like just an ordinary, brilliant young officer in the Guards building a successful career, but inside he was going through intense and complex struggles. Since childhood, his efforts had appeared diverse, but they were fundamentally the same. He aimed for success and perfection in everything he did to earn praise and astonishment. Whether it was his studies or military training, he dedicated himself to them until he was recognized and held up as a model for others. After mastering one subject, he moved on to another and consistently achieved top marks. For instance, while he was still in college, he realized he was awkward in French conversation, so he worked hard to become fluent, speaking it as well as he spoke Russian. Then he picked up chess and became an excellent player.
Apart from his main vocation, which was the service of his Tsar and the fatherland, he always set himself some particular aim, and however unimportant it was, devoted himself completely to it and lived for it until it was accomplished. And as soon as it was attained another aim would immediately present itself, replacing its predecessor. This passion for distinguishing himself, or for accomplishing something in order to distinguish himself, filled his life. On taking up his commission he set himself to acquire the utmost perfection in knowledge of the service, and very soon became a model officer, though still with the same fault of ungovernable irascibility, which here in the service again led him to commit actions inimical to his success. Then he took to reading, having once in conversation in society felt himself deficient in general education—and again achieved his purpose. Then, wishing to secure a brilliant position in high society, he learnt to dance excellently and very soon was invited to all the balls in the best circles, and to some of their evening gatherings. But this did not satisfy him: he was accustomed to being first, and in this society was far from being so.
Aside from his main job, which was serving his Tsar and his country, he always gave himself a specific goal. No matter how small it was, he threw himself into it completely and lived for it until he achieved it. As soon as he accomplished one goal, another would immediately pop up to take its place. This desire to stand out or achieve something for the sake of standing out filled his life. When he received his commission, he aimed to master his knowledge of the service and quickly became a model officer, although he still struggled with his unmanageable temper, which led him to make decisions that hurt his success. He then took up reading after feeling undereducated in social conversations—and once again achieved his goal. Then, wanting to establish himself in high society, he learned to dance exceptionally well and soon started getting invitations to all the top balls and some evening events. But that didn’t satisfy him; he was used to being at the forefront, and in this society, he was far from it.
The highest society then consisted, and I think always consist, of four sorts of people: rich people who are received at Court, people not wealthy but born and brought up in Court circles, rich people who ingratiate themselves into the Court set, and people neither rich nor belonging to the Court but who ingratiate themselves into the first and second sets.
The highest society at that time, and I believe it still does, was made up of four types of people: wealthy individuals who are accepted at Court, people who may not have money but were born and raised in Court circles, wealthy individuals who work their way into the Court group, and those who are neither wealthy nor part of the Court but manage to fit into the first two groups.
Kasatsky did not belong to the first two sets, but was readily welcomed in the others. On entering society he determined to have relations with some society lady, and to his own surprise quickly accomplished this purpose. He soon realized, however, that the circles in which he moved were not the highest, and that though he was received in the highest spheres he did not belong to them. They were polite to him, but showed by their whole manner that they had their own set and that he was not of it. And Kasatsky wished to belong to that inner circle. To attain that end it would be necessary to be an aide-de-camp to the Emperor—which he expected to become—or to marry into that exclusive set, which he resolved to do. And his choice fell on a beauty belonging to the Court, who not merely belonged to the circle into which he wished to be accepted, but whose friendship was coveted by the very highest people and those most firmly established in that highest circle. This was Countess Korotkova. Kasatsky began to pay court to her, and not merely for the sake of his career. She was extremely attractive and he soon fell in love with her. At first she was noticeably cool towards him, but then suddenly changed and became gracious, and her mother gave him pressing invitations to visit them. Kasatsky proposed and was accepted. He was surprised at the facility with which he attained such happiness. But though he noticed something strange and unusual in the behaviour towards him of both mother and daughter, he was blinded by being so deeply in love, and did not realize what almost the whole town knew—namely, that his fiancee had been the Emperor Nicholas’s mistress the previous year.
Kasatsky wasn't part of the first two groups, but he was quickly welcomed in the others. When he entered the social scene, he decided to pursue a relationship with a society lady, and to his surprise, he quickly achieved this goal. However, he soon realized that the circles he was in weren't the highest, and while he was accepted in elite circles, he didn't truly belong there. They were polite to him, but their demeanor showed that they had their own established group, and he was not included. Kasatsky wanted to be a part of that inner circle. To achieve this, he knew he would need to either become an aide-de-camp to the Emperor—which he hoped to do—or marry into that exclusive group, which he decided to pursue. He set his sights on a beauty associated with the Court, who not only belonged to the social circle he wanted to enter but whose friendship was highly sought after by the most prominent figures in that elite sphere. This woman was Countess Korotkova. Kasatsky began to court her, not just for the sake of advancing his career; he found her incredibly attractive and soon fell in love. At first, she was noticeably distant, but then she unexpectedly became warm and inviting, and her mother encouraged him to visit frequently. Kasatsky proposed, and she accepted. He was taken aback by how easily he found such happiness. Yet, despite sensing something odd in the behavior of both the mother and daughter toward him, he was blinded by his love and failed to recognize what nearly everyone in town knew—that his fiancée had been the mistress of Emperor Nicholas the previous year.
Two weeks before the day arranged for the wedding, Kasatsky was at Tsarskoe Selo at his fiancee’s country place. It was a hot day in May. He and his betrothed had walked about the garden and were sitting on a bench in a shady linden alley. Mary’s white muslin dress suited her particularly well, and she seemed the personification of innocence and love as she sat, now bending her head, now gazing up at the very tall and handsome man who was speaking to her with particular tenderness and self-restraint, as if he feared by word or gesture to offend or sully her angelic purity.
Two weeks before the wedding date, Kasatsky was at Tsarskoe Selo at his fiancée’s country home. It was a hot day in May. He and his bride-to-be had walked around the garden and were sitting on a bench in a shady linden alley. Mary’s white muslin dress looked especially good on her, and she seemed to embody innocence and love as she sat, sometimes tilting her head and other times looking up at the tall, handsome man who spoke to her with a special tenderness and restraint, as if he feared that any word or gesture might offend or tarnish her angelic purity.
Kasatsky belonged to those men of the eighteen-forties (they are now no longer to be found) who while deliberately and without any conscientious scruples condoning impurity in themselves, required ideal and angelic purity in their women, regarded all unmarried women of their circle as possessed of such purity, and treated them accordingly. There was much that was false and harmful in this outlook, as concerning the laxity the men permitted themselves, but in regard to the women that old-fashioned view (sharply differing from that held by young people to-day who see in every girl merely a female seeking a mate) was, I think, of value. The girls, perceiving such adoration, endeavoured with more or less success to be goddesses.
Kasatsky was one of those men from the 1840s (who are no longer around) who, while consciously and without any guilt accepting impurity in themselves, expected an ideal and angelic purity from the women in their lives. He viewed all unmarried women in his circle as embodying that purity and treated them accordingly. There was a lot that was false and damaging about this mindset, especially regarding the leniency the men allowed for themselves. However, when it came to women, that old-fashioned perspective (which sharply contrasts with what young people today think, seeing every girl simply as a female looking for a partner) had its merits. The girls, recognizing this kind of admiration, tried, with varying degrees of success, to present themselves as goddesses.
Such was the view Kasatsky held of women, and that was how he regarded his fiancee. He was particularly in love that day, but did not experience any sensual desire for her. On the contrary he regarded her with tender adoration as something unattainable.
Such was the way Kasatsky viewed women, and that was how he saw his fiancée. He was especially in love that day, but he didn’t feel any physical desire for her. Instead, he looked at her with tender admiration, viewing her as something beyond reach.
He rose to his full height, standing before her with both hands on his sabre.
He stood up tall in front of her, placing both hands on his sword.
‘I have only now realized what happiness a man can experience! And it is you, my darling, who have given me this happiness,’ he said with a timid smile.
‘I’ve just now realized how much happiness a person can feel! And it’s you, my love, who has brought me this happiness,’ he said with a shy smile.
Endearments had not yet become usual between them, and feeling himself morally inferior he felt terrified at this stage to use them to such an angel.
Endearments hadn't yet become common between them, and feeling morally inferior, he was terrified at this point to use them with such an angel.
‘It is thanks to you that I have come to know myself. I have learnt that I am better than I thought.’
‘It's thanks to you that I've come to know myself. I've learned that I'm better than I thought.’
‘I have known that for a long time. That was why I began to love you.’
‘I’ve known that for a long time. That’s why I started to love you.’
Nightingales trilled near by and the fresh leafage rustled, moved by a passing breeze.
Nightingales sang nearby, and the fresh leaves rustled in the breeze.
He took her hand and kissed it, and tears came into his eyes.
He took her hand and kissed it, and tears filled his eyes.
She understood that he was thanking her for having said she loved him. He silently took a few steps up and down, and then approached her again and sat down.
She realized he was thanking her for saying she loved him. He quietly paced a little and then came back to her and sat down.
‘You know... I have to tell you... I was not disinterested when I began to make love to you. I wanted to get into society; but later... how unimportant that became in comparison with you—when I got to know you. You are not angry with me for that?’
‘You know... I have to tell you... I wasn’t indifferent when I started making love to you. I wanted to fit in with society; but later... that became so unimportant compared to you—once I got to know you. You’re not mad at me for that, are you?’
She did not reply but merely touched his hand. He understood that this meant: ‘No, I am not angry.’
She didn't respond but just touched his hand. He understood that this meant, "No, I'm not upset."
‘You said...’ He hesitated. It seemed too bold to say. ‘You said that you began to love me. I believe it—but there is something that troubles you and checks your feeling. What is it?’
‘You said...’ He paused. It felt too forward to say. ‘You said that you started to love me. I believe you— but there's something bothering you that holds back your feelings. What is it?’
‘Yes—now or never!’ thought she. ‘He is bound to know of it anyway. But now he will not forsake me. Ah, if he should, it would be terrible!’ And she threw a loving glance at his tall, noble, powerful figure. She loved him now more than she had loved the Tsar, and apart from the Imperial dignity would not have preferred the Emperor to him.
‘Yes—now or never!’ she thought. ‘He’s bound to find out anyway. But he won’t abandon me now. Oh, if he did, it would be awful!’ And she shot a loving look at his tall, noble, powerful figure. She loved him now more than she had loved the Tsar, and aside from the Imperial status, she wouldn’t have chosen the Emperor over him.
‘Listen! I cannot deceive you. I have to tell you. You ask what it is? It is that I have loved before.’
‘Listen! I can’t lie to you. I have to be honest. You want to know what it is? It’s that I have loved before.’
She again laid her hand on his with an imploring gesture. He was silent.
She placed her hand on his again, pleading with him. He stayed quiet.
‘You want to know who it was? It was—the Emperor.’
‘You want to know who it was? It was—the Emperor.’
‘We all love him. I can imagine you, a schoolgirl at the Institute...’
‘We all love him. I can picture you, a student at the Institute...’
‘No, it was later. I was infatuated, but it passed... I must tell you...’
‘No, it was later. I was really into it, but that went away... I have to tell you...’
‘Well, what of it?’
'So what?'
‘No, it was not simply—’ She covered her face with her hands.
‘No, it wasn’t just—’ She covered her face with her hands.
‘What? You gave yourself to him?’
‘What? You gave yourself to him?’
She was silent.
She didn’t say anything.
‘His mistress?’
'His girlfriend?'
She did not answer.
She didn’t respond.
He sprang up and stood before her with trembling jaws, pale as death. He now remembered how the Emperor, meeting him on the Nevsky, had amiably congratulated him.
He jumped up and stood in front of her with shaking jaws, pale as a ghost. He now remembered how the Emperor, when he saw him on Nevsky, had kindly congratulated him.
‘O God, what have I done! Stiva!’
‘Oh God, what have I done! Stiva!’
‘Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me! Oh, how it pains!’
‘Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me! Oh, it hurts so much!’
He turned away and went to the house. There he met her mother.
He turned away and went to the house. There, he met her mother.
‘What is the matter, Prince? I...’ She became silent on seeing his face. The blood had suddenly rushed to his head.
‘What's wrong, Prince? I...’ She fell silent when she saw his face. Blood had suddenly rushed to his head.
‘You knew it, and used me to shield them! If you weren’t a woman...!’ he cried, lifting his enormous fist, and turning aside he ran away.
‘You knew it and used me to protect them! If you weren’t a woman...!’ he shouted, raising his huge fist, then turned and ran away.
Had his fiancee’s lover been a private person he would have killed him, but it was his beloved Tsar.
Had his fiancée’s lover been a private individual, he would have killed him, but it was his beloved Tsar.
Next day he applied both for furlough and his discharge, and professing to be ill, so as to see no one, he went away to the country.
The next day he applied for both leave and discharge, and pretending to be sick so he wouldn't have to see anyone, he went out to the countryside.
He spent the summer at his village arranging his affairs. When summer was over he did not return to Petersburg, but entered a monastery and there became a monk.
He spent the summer in his village getting his things in order. When summer ended, he didn't go back to Petersburg; instead, he joined a monastery and became a monk.
His mother wrote to try to dissuade him from this decisive step, but he replied that he felt God’s call which transcended all other considerations. Only his sister, who was as proud and ambitious as he, understood him.
His mom wrote to try to talk him out of this big decision, but he replied that he felt God’s call which was more important than anything else. Only his sister, who was just as proud and ambitious as he was, understood him.
She understood that he had become a monk in order to be above those who considered themselves his superiors. And she understood him correctly. By becoming a monk he showed contempt for all that seemed most important to others and had seemed so to him while he was in the service, and he now ascended a height from which he could look down on those he had formerly envied.... But it was not this alone, as his sister Varvara supposed, that influenced him. There was also in him something else—a sincere religious feeling which Varvara did not know, which intertwined itself with the feeling of pride and the desire for pre-eminence, and guided him. His disillusionment with Mary, whom he had thought of angelic purity, and his sense of injury, were so strong that they brought him to despair, and the despair led him—to what? To God, to his childhood’s faith which had never been destroyed in him.
She realized that he had become a monk to rise above those who saw themselves as his superiors. And she was right about him. By becoming a monk, he expressed disdain for everything that seemed most important to others and had once seemed so to him while he was in service, allowing him to reach a level from which he could look down on those he had once envied... But that wasn’t the only reason, as his sister Varvara thought. There was also something else within him—a genuine religious feeling that Varvara didn’t know about, which intertwined with his pride and desire for prominence, guiding him. His disillusionment with Mary, whom he had viewed as perfectly pure, and his feelings of betrayal were so intense that they drove him to despair, and that despair led him—to what? To God, to the faith of his childhood that had never been destroyed in him.
II
Kasatsky entered the monastery on the feast of the Intercession of the Blessed Virgin. The Abbot of that monastery was a gentleman by birth, a learned writer and a starets, that is, he belonged to that succession of monks originating in Walachia who each choose a director and teacher whom they implicitly obey. This Superior had been a disciple of the starets Ambrose, who was a disciple of Makarius, who was a disciple of the starets Leonid, who was a disciple of Paussy Velichkovsky.
Kasatsky entered the monastery on the feast of the Intercession of the Blessed Virgin. The Abbot of that monastery was a gentleman by birth, a knowledgeable writer, and a starets, meaning he was part of a lineage of monks from Walachia who each choose a director and teacher that they follow obediently. This Superior had been a disciple of starets Ambrose, who had studied under Makarius, who was taught by starets Leonid, who was a disciple of Paussy Velichkovsky.
To this Abbot Kasatsky submitted himself as to his chosen director. Here in the monastery, besides the feeling of ascendency over others that such a life gave him, he felt much as he had done in the world: he found satisfaction in attaining the greatest possible perfection outwardly as well as inwardly. As in the regiment he had been not merely an irreproachable officer but had even exceeded his duties and widened the borders of perfection, so also as a monk he tried to be perfect, and was always industrious, abstemious, submissive, and meek, as well as pure both in deed and in thought, and obedient. This last quality in particular made life far easier for him. If many of the demands of life in the monastery, which was near the capital and much frequented, did not please him and were temptations to him, they were all nullified by obedience: ‘It is not for me to reason; my business is to do the task set me, whether it be standing beside the relics, singing in the choir, or making up accounts in the monastery guest-house.’ All possibility of doubt about anything was silenced by obedience to the starets. Had it not been for this, he would have been oppressed by the length and monotony of the church services, the bustle of the many visitors, and the bad qualities of the other monks. As it was, he not only bore it all joyfully but found in it solace and support. ‘I don’t know why it is necessary to hear the same prayers several times a day, but I know that it is necessary; and knowing this I find joy in them.’ His director told him that as material food is necessary for the maintenance of the life of the body, so spiritual food—the church prayers—is necessary for the maintenance of the spiritual life. He believed this, and though the church services, for which he had to get up early in the morning, were a difficulty, they certainly calmed him and gave him joy. This was the result of his consciousness of humility, and the certainty that whatever he had to do, being fixed by the starets, was right.
To this Abbot Kasatsky submitted himself as his chosen guide. Here in the monastery, along with the feeling of superiority over others that this life provided him, he felt much like he did in the outside world: he found fulfillment in striving for the highest level of perfection both outwardly and inwardly. Just as he had been not only an exemplary officer in the military but had also gone beyond his duties and expanded the boundaries of excellence, he aimed to be a model monk as well. He was always hard-working, self-disciplined, humble, and meek, maintaining purity in both actions and thoughts, and obedient. This last trait, in particular, made life much easier for him. Although many aspects of monastic life, especially being close to the capital and frequented by many visitors, didn't always please him and served as temptations, everything was outweighed by his obedience: "It’s not for me to question; my job is to complete the task assigned to me, whether it’s standing beside the relics, singing in the choir, or managing the accounts in the monastery guesthouse." Any doubts he might have had were silenced by obedience to the starets. Without this, he would have been weighed down by the length and monotony of the church services, the hustle of numerous visitors, and the flaws of the other monks. Instead, he not only endured it all joyfully but found comfort and strength in it. "I don’t know why it’s necessary to repeat the same prayers several times a day, but I know that it is; and recognizing this brings me joy." His director told him that just as physical food is necessary for maintaining bodily life, spiritual nourishment—through the church’s prayers—is essential for sustaining spiritual life. He believed this, and although the church services, which required him to wake up early, posed a challenge, they undoubtedly brought him peace and joy. This stemmed from his sense of humility and the certainty that whatever task he was given, as determined by the starets, was the right one.
The interest of his life consisted not only in an ever greater and greater subjugation of his will, but in the attainment of all the Christian virtues, which at first seemed to him easily attainable. He had given his whole estate to his sister and did not regret it, he had no personal claims, humility towards his inferiors was not merely easy for him but afforded him pleasure. Even victory over the sins of the flesh, greed and lust, was easily attained. His director had specially warned him against the latter sin, but Kasatsky felt free from it and was glad.
The focus of his life was not just on increasingly submitting his will, but also on gaining all the Christian virtues, which he initially thought would be easy to achieve. He had given away his entire estate to his sister and felt no regret; he had no personal desires, and being humble towards those beneath him was not only easy but also enjoyable. Even overcoming sins like greed and lust was something he found manageable. His spiritual advisor had specifically cautioned him about the sin of lust, but Kasatsky felt free from it and was pleased.
One thing only tormented him—the remembrance of his fiancee; and not merely the remembrance but the vivid image of what might have been. Involuntarily he recalled a lady he knew who had been a favourite of the Emperor’s, but had afterwards married and become an admirable wife and mother. The husband had a high position, influence and honour, and a good and penitent wife.
One thing really troubled him—the memory of his fiancée; not just the memory but the vivid picture of what could have been. Unconsciously, he thought of a woman he knew who had been favored by the Emperor but later got married and became a wonderful wife and mother. Her husband held a high position, had influence and respect, and a good and remorseful wife.
In his better hours Kasatsky was not disturbed by such thoughts, and when he recalled them at such times he was merely glad to feel that the temptation was past. But there were moments when all that made up his present life suddenly grew dim before him, moments when, if he did not cease to believe in the aims he had set himself, he ceased to see them and could evoke no confidence in them but was seized by a remembrance of, and—terrible to say—a regret for, the change of life he had made.
In his better moments, Kasatsky wasn't bothered by such thoughts, and when he remembered them during those times, he was just happy to realize that the temptation had passed. But there were times when everything that made up his current life suddenly faded away, moments when, even if he didn't stop believing in the goals he had set for himself, he couldn't see them clearly. He felt no confidence in them and was overwhelmed by a recollection of, and—hard to admit—a regret for, the life change he had made.
The only thing that saved him in that state of mind was obedience and work, and the fact that the whole day was occupied by prayer. He went through the usual forms of prayer, he bowed in prayer, he even prayed more than usual, but it was lip-service only and his soul was not in it. This condition would continue for a day, or sometimes for two days, and would then pass of itself. But those days were dreadful. Kasatsky felt that he was neither in his own hands nor in God’s, but was subject to something else. All he could do then was to obey the starets, to restrain himself, to undertake nothing, and simply to wait. In general all this time he lived not by his own will but by that of the starets, and in this obedience he found a special tranquillity.
The only thing that saved him in that state of mind was obedience and hard work, along with the fact that his whole day was filled with prayer. He went through the usual prayer rituals, he bowed in prayer, and he even prayed more than usual, but it was just for show and his heart wasn’t in it. This state would last for a day, or sometimes two days, and then it would fade away on its own. But those days were unbearable. Kasatsky felt that he was neither in control of himself nor in God’s hands, but was under the influence of something else. All he could do then was to follow the starets, hold himself together, take no action, and simply wait. Overall, during this time he lived not by his own will but by that of the starets, and in this obedience, he found a certain peace.
So he lived in his first monastery for seven years. At the end of the third year he received the tonsure and was ordained to the priesthood by the name of Sergius. The profession was an important event in his inner life. He had previously experienced a great consolation and spiritual exaltation when receiving communion, and now when he himself officiated, the performance of the preparation filled him with ecstatic and deep emotion. But subsequently that feeling became more and more deadened, and once when he was officiating in a depressed state of mind he felt that the influence produced on him by the service would not endure. And it did in fact weaken till only the habit remained.
He lived in his first monastery for seven years. At the end of the third year, he received the tonsure and was ordained as a priest under the name Sergius. This event was significant in his spiritual journey. He had previously felt immense comfort and spiritual uplift when receiving communion, but now, as he officiated, the process of preparing for the service filled him with intense and profound emotion. However, over time, that feeling began to fade, and on one occasion, while he was officiating in a low mood, he realized that the impact of the service wouldn’t last. In fact, it did weaken until only the routine remained.
In general in the seventh year of his life in the monastery Sergius grew weary. He had learnt all there was to learn and had attained all there was to attain, there was nothing more to do and his spiritual drowsiness increased. During this time he heard of his mother’s death and his sister Varvara’s marriage, but both events were matters of indifference to him. His whole attention and his whole interest were concentrated on his inner life.
In general, by the seventh year of his life in the monastery, Sergius became weary. He had learned everything there was to learn and had achieved all there was to achieve; there was nothing left to do, and his spiritual slumber deepened. During this time, he heard about his mother’s death and his sister Varvara’s marriage, but he felt indifferent to both events. His entire focus and interest were centered on his inner life.
In the fourth year of his priesthood, during which the Bishop had been particularly kind to him, the starets told him that he ought not to decline it if he were offered an appointment to higher duties. Then monastic ambition, the very thing he had found so repulsive in other monks, arose within him. He was assigned to a monastery near the metropolis. He wished to refuse but the starets ordered him to accept the appointment. He did so, and took leave of the starets and moved to the other monastery.
In the fourth year of his priesthood, when the Bishop had been especially kind to him, the starets advised him not to turn down a promotion if it was offered. Then the monastic ambition that he had found so off-putting in other monks surfaced within him. He was assigned to a monastery near the city. He wanted to decline, but the starets insisted that he accept the position. So, he did, said goodbye to the starets, and moved to the new monastery.
The exchange into the metropolitan monastery was an important event in Sergius’s life. There he encountered many temptations, and his whole will-power was concentrated on meeting them.
The transfer to the city monastery was a significant event in Sergius’s life. There, he faced many temptations, and he focused all his willpower on overcoming them.
In the first monastery, women had not been a temptation to him, but here that temptation arose with terrible strength and even took definite shape. There was a lady known for her frivolous behaviour who began to seek his favour. She talked to him and asked him to visit her. Sergius sternly declined, but was horrified by the definiteness of his desire. He was so alarmed that he wrote about it to the starets. And in addition, to keep himself in hand, he spoke to a young novice and, conquering his sense of shame, confessed his weakness to him, asking him to keep watch on him and not let him go anywhere except to service and to fulfil his duties.
In the first monastery, women hadn't been a temptation for him, but here that temptation arose with intense force and even took on a clear form. There was a woman known for her flirtatious behavior who started to pursue his attention. She talked to him and invited him to visit her. Sergius firmly declined, but he was horrified by how strong his desire was. He was so troubled that he wrote about it to the starets. Additionally, to keep himself in check, he spoke to a young novice and, overcoming his embarrassment, shared his struggle with him, asking him to keep an eye on him and make sure he only went to services and fulfilled his responsibilities.
Besides this, a great pitfall for Sergius lay in the fact of his extreme antipathy to his new Abbot, a cunning worldly man who was making a career for himself in the Church. Struggle with himself as he might, he could not master that feeling. He was submissive to the Abbot, but in the depths of his soul he never ceased to condemn him. And in the second year of his residence at the new monastery that ill-feeling broke out.
Besides this, a major problem for Sergius was his strong dislike for his new Abbot, a sly, worldly man who was building a career for himself in the Church. No matter how much he tried to control it, he couldn't overcome that feeling. He was obedient to the Abbot, but deep down, he never stopped judging him. In the second year of his time at the new monastery, that negative feeling finally surfaced.
The Vigil service was being performed in the large church on the eve of the feast of the Intercession of the Blessed Virgin, and there were many visitors. The Abbot himself was conducting the service. Father Sergius was standing in his usual place and praying: that is, he was in that condition of struggle which always occupied him during the service, especially in the large church when he was not himself conducting the service. This conflict was occasioned by his irritation at the presence of fine folk, especially ladies. He tried not to see them or to notice all that went on: how a soldier conducted them, pushing the common people aside, how the ladies pointed out the monks to one another—especially himself and a monk noted for his good looks. He tried as it were to keep his mind in blinkers, to see nothing but the light of the candles on the altar-screen, the icons, and those conducting the service. He tried to hear nothing but the prayers that were being chanted or read, to feel nothing but self-oblivion in consciousness of the fulfilment of duty—a feeling he always experienced when hearing or reciting in advance the prayers he had so often heard.
The Vigil service was happening in the large church on the eve of the feast of the Intercession of the Blessed Virgin, and there were a lot of visitors. The Abbot himself was leading the service. Father Sergius was standing in his usual spot and praying; he was in that state of struggle that he always experienced during the service, especially in the large church when he wasn't the one leading it. This inner conflict was caused by his annoyance at the presence of the upper class, particularly the women. He tried not to see them or to pay attention to what was happening: how a soldier guided them, pushing the common people aside, how the ladies pointed out the monks to each other—especially him and a monk known for his good looks. He attempted to keep his mind focused, to see nothing but the candlelight on the altar screen, the icons, and those conducting the service. He tried to hear nothing but the prayers being chanted or read, to feel nothing but a sense of self-forgetfulness in the awareness of fulfilling his duty—a feeling he always had when he listened to or recited the prayers he had heard so many times before.
So he stood, crossing and prostrating himself when necessary, and struggled with himself, now giving way to cold condemnation and now to a consciously evoked obliteration of thought and feeling. Then the sacristan, Father Nicodemus—also a great stumbling-block to Sergius who involuntarily reproached him for flattering and fawning on the Abbot—approached him and, bowing low, requested his presence behind the holy gates. Father Sergius straightened his mantle, put on his biretta, and went circumspectly through the crowd.
So he stood, bowing and prostrating himself when needed, struggling with himself, sometimes giving in to harsh judgment and other times deliberately shutting down his thoughts and feelings. Then the sacristan, Father Nicodemus—also a major obstacle for Sergius, who couldn't help but blame him for sucking up to the Abbot—approached him and, bowing low, asked for him to come behind the holy gates. Father Sergius adjusted his cloak, put on his hat, and carefully made his way through the crowd.
‘Lise, regarde a droite, c’est lui!’ he heard a woman’s voice say.
‘Lise, look to the right, it’s him!’ he heard a woman’s voice say.
‘Ou, ou? Il n’est pas tellement beau.’
‘Oh, oh? He’s not that handsome.’
He knew that they were speaking of him. He heard them and, as always at moments of temptation, he repeated the words, ‘Lead us not into temptation,’ and bowing his head and lowering his eyes went past the ambo and in by the north door, avoiding the canons in their cassocks who were just then passing the altar-screen. On entering the sanctuary he bowed, crossing himself as usual and bending double before the icons. Then, raising his head but without turning, he glanced out of the corner of his eye at the Abbot, whom he saw standing beside another glittering figure.
He knew they were talking about him. He heard them and, as always in moments of temptation, he repeated the words, "Lead us not into temptation," and, bowing his head and lowering his eyes, passed the ambo and entered through the north door, avoiding the canons in their cassocks who were just then passing the altar-screen. Upon entering the sanctuary, he bowed, crossed himself as usual, and bent low before the icons. Then, raising his head but without turning, he glanced out of the corner of his eye at the Abbot, whom he saw standing next to another impressive figure.
The Abbot was standing by the wall in his vestments. Having freed his short plump hands from beneath his chasuble he had folded them over his fat body and protruding stomach, and fingering the cords of his vestments was smilingly saying something to a military man in the uniform of a general of the Imperial suite, with its insignia and shoulder-knots which Father Sergius’s experienced eye at once recognized. This general had been the commander of the regiment in which Sergius had served. He now evidently occupied an important position, and Father Sergius at once noticed that the Abbot was aware of this and that his red face and bald head beamed with satisfaction and pleasure. This vexed and disgusted Father Sergius, the more so when he heard that the Abbot had only sent for him to satisfy the general’s curiosity to see a man who had formerly served with him, as he expressed it.
The Abbot was standing by the wall in his robes. He had freed his short, plump hands from beneath his chasuble, folding them over his bulky body and protruding stomach. While he was fiddling with the cords of his vestments, he was smiling and saying something to a military man dressed in the uniform of a general of the Imperial suite, complete with insignia and shoulder knots that Father Sergius recognized right away. This general had been the commander of the regiment where Sergius had served. He now clearly held an important position, and Father Sergius noticed immediately that the Abbot was aware of this, with his red face and bald head shining with satisfaction and pleasure. This irritated and disgusted Father Sergius even more when he realized that the Abbot had only called him to satisfy the general’s curiosity to see a man who had previously served with him, as he put it.
‘Very pleased to see you in your angelic guise,’ said the general, holding out his hand. ‘I hope you have not forgotten an old comrade.’
“Really happy to see you looking so angelic,” said the general, reaching out his hand. “I hope you haven’t forgotten an old friend.”
The whole thing—the Abbot’s red, smiling face amid its fringe of grey, the general’s words, his well-cared-for face with its self-satisfied smile and the smell of wine from his breath and of cigars from his whiskers—revolted Father Sergius. He bowed again to the Abbot and said:
The whole scene—the Abbot’s red, smiling face surrounded by gray hair, the general’s words, his well-groomed face with its smug smile, and the scent of wine on his breath and cigars lingering in his whiskers—disgusted Father Sergius. He bowed once more to the Abbot and said:
‘Your reverence deigned to send for me?’—and stopped, the whole expression of his face and eyes asking why.
‘Did you really send for me?’—and he paused, the entire look on his face and in his eyes questioning why.
‘Yes, to meet the General,’ replied the Abbot.
‘Yes, to meet the General,’ replied the Abbot.
‘Your reverence, I left the world to save myself from temptation,’ said Father Sergius, turning pale and with quivering lips. ‘Why do you expose me to it during prayers and in God’s house?’
‘Your reverence, I gave up the world to protect myself from temptation,’ said Father Sergius, turning pale and with trembling lips. ‘Why do you put me in its path during prayers and in God’s house?’
‘You may go! Go!’ said the Abbot, flaring up and frowning.
“You can go! Go!” the Abbot said, getting angry and frowning.
Next day Father Sergius asked pardon of the Abbot and of the brethren for his pride, but at the same time, after a night spent in prayer, he decided that he must leave this monastery, and he wrote to the starets begging permission to return to him. He wrote that he felt his weakness and incapacity to struggle against temptation without his help and penitently confessed his sin of pride. By return of post came a letter from the starets, who wrote that Sergius’s pride was the cause of all that had happened. The old man pointed out that his fits of anger were due to the fact that in refusing all clerical honours he humiliated himself not for the sake of God but for the sake of his pride. ‘There now, am I not a splendid man not to want anything?’ That was why he could not tolerate the Abbot’s action. ‘I have renounced everything for the glory of God, and here I am exhibited like a wild beast!’ ‘Had you renounced vanity for God’s sake you would have borne it. Worldly pride is not yet dead in you. I have thought about you, Sergius my son, and prayed also, and this is what God has suggested to me. At the Tambov hermitage the anchorite Hilary, a man of saintly life, has died. He had lived there eighteen years. The Tambov Abbot is asking whether there is not a brother who would take his place. And here comes your letter. Go to Father Paissy of the Tambov Monastery. I will write to him about you, and you must ask for Hilary’s cell. Not that you can replace Hilary, but you need solitude to quell your pride. May God bless you!’
The next day, Father Sergius apologized to the Abbot and the brothers for his pride, but after a night spent in prayer, he decided he needed to leave the monastery, so he wrote to the starets asking for permission to return to him. He expressed that he recognized his weakness and inability to resist temptation without the starets' help and humbly confessed his sin of pride. He received a letter back from the starets, who pointed out that Sergius's pride was the root of everything that had happened. The old man noted that Sergius's fits of anger were because, in rejecting all clerical honors, he was not humbling himself for God's sake but for his own pride. “Look at me, I’m such a great man for wanting nothing!” That’s why he couldn’t stand the Abbot's actions. “I’ve given up everything for God’s glory, and here I am, treated like a wild beast!” “If you had truly let go of vanity for God, you would have been able to endure it. Worldly pride is still alive in you. I’ve thought about you, Sergius, my son, and I’ve prayed too, and this is what God has revealed to me. At the Tambov hermitage, the anchorite Hilary, a man of holy life, has died. He lived there for eighteen years. The Abbot of Tambov is looking for a brother to take his place. And here comes your letter. Go to Father Paissy at the Tambov Monastery. I will write to him about you, and you need to ask for Hilary’s cell. Not that you can replace Hilary, but you need solitude to calm your pride. May God bless you!”
Sergius obeyed the starets, showed his letter to the Abbot, and having obtained his permission, gave up his cell, handed all his possessions over to the monastery, and set out for the Tambov hermitage.
Sergius followed the elder's instructions, showed his letter to the Abbot, and after getting his approval, left his cell, donated all his belongings to the monastery, and headed for the Tambov hermitage.
There the Abbot, an excellent manager of merchant origin, received Sergius simply and quietly and placed him in Hilary’s cell, at first assigning to him a lay brother but afterwards leaving him alone, at Sergius’s own request. The cell was a dual cave, dug into the hillside, and in it Hilary had been buried. In the back part was Hilary’s grave, while in the front was a niche for sleeping, with a straw mattress, a small table, and a shelf with icons and books. Outside the outer door, which fastened with a hook, was another shelf on which, once a day, a monk placed food from the monastery.
There, the Abbot, a skilled manager from a merchant background, welcomed Sergius warmly and settled him into Hilary’s cell. Initially, he provided him with a lay brother, but later, at Sergius’s request, he decided to leave him alone. The cell was a two-part cave carved into the hillside, where Hilary had been buried. In the back was Hilary’s grave, and in the front was a sleeping nook with a straw mattress, a small table, and a shelf filled with icons and books. Outside the main door, which closed with a hook, was another shelf where a monk would place food from the monastery once a day.
And so Sergius became a hermit.
And so, Sergius became a hermit.
III
At Carnival time, in the sixth year of Sergius’s life at the hermitage, a merry company of rich people, men and women from a neighbouring town, made up a troyka-party, after a meal of carnival-pancakes and wine. The company consisted of two lawyers, a wealthy landowner, an officer, and four ladies. One lady was the officer’s wife, another the wife of the landowner, the third his sister—a young girl—and the fourth a divorcee, beautiful, rich, and eccentric, who amazed and shocked the town by her escapades.
At Carnival time, in the sixth year of Sergius’s life at the hermitage, a lively group of wealthy people, both men and women from a nearby town, formed a troika-party after enjoying some carnival pancakes and wine. The group included two lawyers, a rich landowner, an officer, and four women. One woman was the officer’s wife, another the landowner’s wife, the third was his younger sister, and the fourth was a beautiful, wealthy, and eccentric divorcee who shocked and amazed the town with her wild adventures.
The weather was excellent and the snow-covered road smooth as a floor. They drove some seven miles out of town, and then stopped and consulted as to whether they should turn back or drive farther.
The weather was great, and the snow-covered road was as smooth as a floor. They drove about seven miles out of town and then stopped to discuss whether they should turn back or keep driving.
‘But where does this road lead to?’ asked Makovkina, the beautiful divorcee.
‘But where does this road lead to?’ asked Makovkina, the attractive divorcee.
‘To Tambov, eight miles from here,’ replied one of the lawyers, who was having a flirtation with her.
"‘To Tambov, eight miles from here,’ replied one of the lawyers, who was flirting with her."
‘And then where?’
"What's next?"
‘Then on to L——, past the Monastery.’
‘Then on to L——, past the Monastery.’
‘Where that Father Sergius lives?’
‘Where does Father Sergius live?’
‘Yes.’
'Yep.'
‘Kasatsky, the handsome hermit?’
‘Kasatsky, the good-looking hermit?’
‘Yes.’
"Yeah."
‘Mesdames et messieurs, let us drive on and see Kasatsky! We can stop at Tambov and have something to eat.’
‘Ladies and gentlemen, let’s keep going and see Kasatsky! We can stop in Tambov and grab a bite to eat.’
‘But we shouldn’t get home to-night!’
‘But we shouldn’t go home tonight!’
‘Never mind, we will stay at Kasatsky’s.’
‘It’s okay, we’ll stay at Kasatsky’s.’
‘Well, there is a very good hostelry at the Monastery. I stayed there when I was defending Makhin.’
'Well, there’s a really nice inn at the Monastery. I stayed there when I was defending Makhin.'
‘No, I shall spend the night at Kasatsky’s!’
‘No, I’m going to stay the night at Kasatsky’s!’
‘Impossible! Even your omnipotence could not accomplish that!’
'No way! Even your all-powerful abilities couldn't make that happen!'
‘Impossible? Will you bet?’
"Impossible? Want to bet?"
‘All right! If you spend the night with him, the stake shall be whatever you like.’
‘All right! If you spend the night with him, the stake can be whatever you want.’
‘A DISCRETION!’
"Use discretion!"
‘But on your side too!’
"But on your side as well!"
‘Yes, of course. Let us drive on.’
'Yes, of course. Let's keep going.'
Vodka was handed to the drivers, and the party got out a box of pies, wine, and sweets for themselves. The ladies wrapped up in their white dogskins. The drivers disputed as to whose troyka should go ahead, and the youngest, seating himself sideways with a dashing air, swung his long knout and shouted to the horses. The troyka-bells tinkled and the sledge-runners squeaked over the snow.
Vodka was given to the drivers, and the party pulled out a box of pies, wine, and sweets for themselves. The women wrapped themselves in their white fur coats. The drivers argued about whose troika should take the lead, and the youngest, sitting sideways with flair, swung his long whip and shouted at the horses. The troika bells jingled, and the sled runners creaked over the snow.
The sledge swayed hardly at all. The shaft-horse, with his tightly bound tail under his decorated breechband, galloped smoothly and briskly; the smooth road seemed to run rapidly backwards, while the driver dashingly shook the reins. One of the lawyers and the officer sitting opposite talked nonsense to Makovkina’s neighbour, but Makovkina herself sat motionless and in thought, tightly wrapped in her fur. ‘Always the same and always nasty! The same red shiny faces smelling of wine and cigars! The same talk, the same thoughts, and always about the same things! And they are all satisfied and confident that it should be so, and will go on living like that till they die. But I can’t. It bores me. I want something that would upset it all and turn it upside down. Suppose it happened to us as to those people—at Saratov was it?—who kept on driving and froze to death.... What would our people do? How would they behave? Basely, for certain. Each for himself. And I too should act badly. But I at any rate have beauty. They all know it. And how about that monk? Is it possible that he has become indifferent to it? No! That is the one thing they all care for—like that cadet last autumn. What a fool he was!’
The sled barely swayed. The horse, with his tail tightly secured under its decorative harness, galloped smoothly and energetically; the smooth road seemed to zoom backward, while the driver confidently shook the reins. One of the lawyers and the officer sitting across from Makovkina chatted aimlessly with her neighbor, but Makovkina herself sat still, lost in thought, wrapped snugly in her fur. "Always the same and always annoying! The same red, shiny faces that smell of wine and cigars! The same conversations, the same thoughts, and always about the same topics! And they're all so satisfied and sure that it should stay this way, living like that until they die. But I can't. It bores me. I want something to shake it all up and turn it upside down. What if we ended up like those people—was it in Saratov?—who kept driving and froze to death... What would our people do? How would they react? Cowardly, for sure. Everyone for themselves. And I would act poorly too. But at least I have beauty. They all know it. And what about that monk? Is it possible he's become indifferent to it? No! That's the one thing they all care about—just like that cadet last autumn. What an idiot he was!"
‘Ivan Nikolaevich!’ she said aloud.
“Ivan Nikolaevich!” she said.
‘What are your commands?’
"What do you want me to do?"
‘How old is he?’
"What's his age?"
‘Who?’
‘Who’s that?’
‘Kasatsky.’
‘Kasatsky.’
‘Over forty, I should think.’
"Probably over forty."
‘And does he receive all visitors?’
‘And does he see all visitors?’
‘Yes, everybody, but not always.’
"Yes, everyone, but not always."
‘Cover up my feet. Not like that—how clumsy you are! No! More, more—like that! But you need not squeeze them!’
‘Cover my feet. Not like that—you're so clumsy! No! More, more—like that! But don’t squeeze them!’
So they came to the forest where the cell was.
So they arrived at the forest where the cell was located.
Makovkina got out of the sledge, and told them to drive on. They tried to dissuade her, but she grew irritable and ordered them to go on.
Makovkina got out of the sled and told them to keep going. They tried to talk her out of it, but she got annoyed and insisted they move forward.
When the sledges had gone she went up the path in her white dogskin coat. The lawyer got out and stopped to watch her.
When the sleds left, she walked up the path in her white dogskin coat. The lawyer got out and paused to watch her.
It was Father Sergius’s sixth year as a recluse, and he was now forty-nine. His life in solitude was hard—not on account of the fasts and the prayers (they were no hardship to him) but on account of an inner conflict he had not at all anticipated. The sources of that conflict were two: doubts, and the lust of the flesh. And these two enemies always appeared together. It seemed to him that they were two foes, but in reality they were one and the same. As soon as doubt was gone so was the lustful desire. But thinking them to be two different fiends he fought them separately.
It was Father Sergius's sixth year of living as a recluse, and he was now forty-nine. His life in solitude was tough—not because of the fasting and praying (those were no struggle for him) but because of an inner conflict he hadn't expected at all. The sources of that conflict were twofold: doubts and the desires of the flesh. These two enemies always appeared together. It seemed to him that they were two separate foes, but in reality, they were one and the same. As soon as doubt disappeared, so did the lustful desire. However, thinking they were two different demons, he fought them separately.
‘O my God, my God!’ thought he. ‘Why dost thou not grant me faith? There is lust, of course: even the saints had to fight that—Saint Anthony and others. But they had faith, while I have moments, hours, and days, when it is absent. Why does the whole world, with all its delights, exist if it is sinful and must be renounced? Why hast Thou created this temptation? Temptation? Is it not rather a temptation that I wish to abandon all the joys of earth and prepare something for myself there where perhaps there is nothing?’ And he became horrified and filled with disgust at himself. ‘Vile creature! And it is you who wish to become a saint!’ he upbraided himself, and he began to pray. But as soon as he started to pray he saw himself vividly as he had been at the Monastery, in a majestic post in biretta and mantle, and he shook his head. ‘No, that is not right. It is deception. I may deceive others, but not myself or God. I am not a majestic man, but a pitiable and ridiculous one!’ And he threw back the folds of his cassock and smiled as he looked at his thin legs in their underclothing.
‘Oh my God, my God!’ he thought. ‘Why won’t you give me faith? Of course there’s temptation: even the saints had to battle that—Saint Anthony and others. But they had faith, while I have moments, hours, and even days when it’s completely gone. Why does the whole world, with all its pleasures, exist if it’s sinful and should be turned away from? Why did you create this temptation? Temptation? Perhaps it’s more like I want to give up all the joys of the earth and prepare something for myself in a place where maybe there’s nothing?’ He felt horrified and disgusted with himself. ‘You pathetic creature! And you think you can become a saint!’ he scolded himself, and he started to pray. But as soon as he began to pray, he vividly pictured himself as he had been at the Monastery, in a grand position wearing a biretta and mantle, and he shook his head. ‘No, that’s not right. It’s a lie. I might fool others, but not myself or God. I’m not a grand person, but a pitiful and ridiculous one!’ He pulled back the folds of his cassock and smiled as he looked at his thin legs in their underclothing.
Then he dropped the folds of the cassock again and began reading the prayers, making the sign of the cross and prostrating himself. ‘Can it be that this couch will be my bier?’ he read. And it seemed as if a devil whispered to him: ‘A solitary couch is itself a bier. Falsehood!’ And in imagination he saw the shoulders of a widow with whom he had lived. He shook himself, and went on reading. Having read the precepts he took up the Gospels, opened the book, and happened on a passage he often repeated and knew by heart: ‘Lord, I believe. Help thou my unbelief!’—and he put away all the doubts that had arisen. As one replaces an object of insecure equilibrium, so he carefully replaced his belief on its shaky pedestal and carefully stepped back from it so as not to shake or upset it. The blinkers were adjusted again and he felt tranquillized, and repeating his childhood’s prayer: ‘Lord, receive me, receive me!’ he felt not merely at ease, but thrilled and joyful. He crossed himself and lay down on the bedding on his narrow bench, tucking his summer cassock under his head. He fell asleep at once, and in his light slumber he seemed to hear the tinkling of sledge bells. He did not know whether he was dreaming or awake, but a knock at the door aroused him. He sat up, distrusting his senses, but the knock was repeated. Yes, it was a knock close at hand, at his door, and with it the sound of a woman’s voice.
Then he dropped the folds of his cassock again and started reading the prayers, making the sign of the cross and bowing down. “Could this couch really be my deathbed?” he read. And it felt like a devil was whispering to him: “A lonely couch is a deathbed itself. That’s a lie!” He then imagined the shoulders of a widow he had lived with. He shook it off and continued reading. After finishing the precepts, he picked up the Gospels, opened the book, and came across a passage he often recited and knew by heart: “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!”—and he set aside all the doubts that had surfaced. Just as one carefully adjusts something that’s unsteady, he gently placed his faith back on its shaky foundation and cautiously stepped away from it to avoid shaking it. The blinders were adjusted again, and he felt calm, repeating his childhood prayer: “Lord, receive me, receive me!” He felt not just at ease but also excited and joyful. He crossed himself and lay down on the bedding on his narrow bench, tucking his summer cassock under his head. He fell asleep right away, and in his light sleep, he thought he heard the jingling of sleigh bells. He wasn’t sure if he was dreaming or awake, but a knock at the door woke him up. He sat up, unsure of his senses, but the knock came again. Yes, it was a knock right nearby, at his door, accompanied by the sound of a woman’s voice.
‘My God! Can it be true, as I have read in the Lives of the Saints, that the devil takes on the form of a woman? Yes—it is a woman’s voice. And a tender, timid, pleasant voice. Phui!’ And he spat to exorcise the devil. ‘No, it was only my imagination,’ he assured himself, and he went to the corner where his lectern stood, falling on his knees in the regular and habitual manner which of itself gave him consolation and satisfaction. He sank down, his hair hanging over his face, and pressed his head, already going bald in front, to the cold damp strip of drugget on the draughty floor. He read the psalm old Father Pimon had told him warded off temptation. He easily raised his light and emaciated body on his strong sinewy legs and tried to continue saying his prayers, but instead of doing so he involuntarily strained his hearing. He wished to hear more. All was quiet. From the corner of the roof regular drops continued to fall into the tub below. Outside was a mist and fog eating into the snow that lay on the ground. It was still, very still. And suddenly there was a rustling at the window and a voice—that same tender, timid voice, which could only belong to an attractive woman—said:
‘My God! Is it really true, as I've read in the Lives of the Saints, that the devil can take the form of a woman? Yes—it’s a woman’s voice. A sweet, soft, pleasant voice. Yuck!’ And he spat to exorcise the devil. ‘No, it was just my imagination,’ he reassured himself, and he went to the corner where his lectern stood, falling to his knees in the familiar and routine way that brought him comfort and satisfaction. He sank down, his hair hanging over his face, and pressed his head, already balding in front, against the cold damp strip of fabric on the drafty floor. He read the psalm old Father Pimon had told him would ward off temptation. He easily lifted his light, thin body on his strong, sinewy legs and tried to continue his prayers, but instead, he instinctively strained to listen. He wanted to hear more. Everything was quiet. From the corner of the roof, regular drops kept falling into the tub below. Outside, the mist and fog were consuming the snow on the ground. It was still, very still. And then there was a rustling at the window and a voice—that same sweet, soft voice that could only belong to an attractive woman—said:
‘Let me in, for Christ’s sake!’
‘Let me in, for God's sake!’
It seemed as though his blood had all rushed to his heart and settled there. He could hardly breathe. ‘Let God arise and let his enemies be scattered...’
It felt like all his blood had surged to his heart and stayed there. He could barely breathe. ‘Let God rise up and let his enemies be scattered...’
‘But I am not a devil!’ It was obvious that the lips that uttered this were smiling. ‘I am not a devil, but only a sinful woman who has lost her way, not figuratively but literally!’ She laughed. ‘I am frozen and beg for shelter.’
‘But I’m not a devil!’ It was clear that the lips saying this were smiling. ‘I’m not a devil, just a sinful woman who has lost her way, not in a metaphorical sense but in a literal one!’ She laughed. ‘I’m freezing and begging for shelter.’
He pressed his face to the window, but the little icon-lamp was reflected by it and shone on the whole pane. He put his hands to both sides of his face and peered between them. Fog, mist, a tree, and—just opposite him—she herself. Yes, there, a few inches from him, was the sweet, kindly frightened face of a woman in a cap and a coat of long white fur, leaning towards him. Their eyes met with instant recognition: not that they had ever known one another, they had never met before, but by the look they exchanged they—and he particularly—felt that they knew and understood one another. After that glance to imagine her to be a devil and not a simple, kindly, sweet, timid woman, was impossible.
He pressed his face against the window, but the little icon-lamp was reflected in it and lit up the whole pane. He placed his hands on either side of his face and looked between them. Fog, mist, a tree, and—right across from him—there she was. Yes, just a few inches away was the sweet, kindly, slightly scared face of a woman in a cap and a long white fur coat, leaning toward him. Their eyes met with immediate recognition: not that they had ever known each other, they had never met before, but from the look they shared, they—and he especially—felt that they understood one another. After that glance, it was impossible to picture her as anything other than a simple, kind, sweet, timid woman, rather than a devil.
‘Who are you? Why have you come?’ he asked.
‘Who are you? What brings you here?’ he asked.
‘Do please open the door!’ she replied, with capricious authority. ‘I am frozen. I tell you I have lost my way.’
‘Please, open the door!’ she said, with playful insistence. ‘I’m freezing. I swear I’ve lost my way.’
‘But I am a monk—a hermit.’
'But I'm a monk— a hermit.'
‘Oh, do please open the door—or do you wish me to freeze under your window while you say your prayers?’
‘Oh, please open the door—or do you want me to freeze outside your window while you say your prayers?’
‘But how have you...’
'But how have you...’
‘I shan’t eat you. For God’s sake let me in! I am quite frozen.’
‘I won’t eat you. For goodness’ sake, let me in! I’m freezing cold.’
She really did feel afraid, and said this in an almost tearful voice.
She truly felt scared and said this in a voice that was almost in tears.
He stepped back from the window and looked at an icon of the Saviour in His crown of thorns. ‘Lord, help me! Lord, help me!’ he exclaimed, crossing himself and bowing low. Then he went to the door, and opening it into the tiny porch, felt for the hook that fastened the outer door and began to lift it. He heard steps outside. She was coming from the window to the door. ‘Ah!’ she suddenly exclaimed, and he understood that she had stepped into the puddle that the dripping from the roof had formed at the threshold. His hands trembled, and he could not raise the hook of the tightly closed door.
He stepped back from the window and looked at an icon of the Savior in His crown of thorns. "Lord, help me! Lord, help me!" he exclaimed, crossing himself and bowing low. Then he went to the door, and opening it into the small porch, felt for the hook that secured the outer door and began to lift it. He heard footsteps outside. She was coming from the window to the door. "Ah!" she suddenly exclaimed, and he realized she had stepped into the puddle that the dripping from the roof had formed at the threshold. His hands trembled, and he couldn't lift the hook of the tightly closed door.
‘Oh, what are you doing? Let me in! I am all wet. I am frozen! You are thinking about saving your soul and are letting me freeze to death...’
‘Oh, what are you doing? Let me in! I’m soaking wet. I’m freezing! You’re worried about saving your soul and letting me freeze to death...’
He jerked the door towards him, raised the hook, and without considering what he was doing, pushed it open with such force that it struck her.
He yanked the door toward him, lifted the hook, and without thinking about it, flung it open with such force that it hit her.
‘Oh—PARDON!’ he suddenly exclaimed, reverting completely to his old manner with ladies.
‘Oh—PARDON!’ he suddenly exclaimed, fully returning to his old way of interacting with women.
She smiled on hearing that PARDON. ‘He is not quite so terrible, after all,’ she thought. ‘It’s all right. It is you who must pardon me,’ she said, stepping past him. ‘I should never have ventured, but such an extraordinary circumstance...’
She smiled upon hearing that PARDON. ‘He's not so terrible, after all,’ she thought. ‘It's fine. You should pardon me,’ she said as she stepped past him. ‘I shouldn't have taken the risk, but such an extraordinary situation...’
‘If you please!’ he uttered, and stood aside to let her pass him. A strong smell of fine scent, which he had long not encountered, struck him. She went through the little porch into the cell where he lived. He closed the outer door without fastening the hook, and stepped in after her.
‘If you please!’ he said, stepping aside to let her pass. A strong scent, one he hadn’t experienced in a long time, hit him. She walked through the small porch into the room where he lived. He closed the outer door without locking it and followed her inside.
‘Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner! Lord, have mercy on me a sinner!’ he prayed unceasingly, not merely to himself but involuntarily moving his lips. ‘If you please!’ he said to her again. She stood in the middle of the room, moisture dripping from her to the floor as she looked him over. Her eyes were laughing.
‘Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner! Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner!’ he prayed continuously, not just silently but also moving his lips without thinking. ‘Please!’ he said to her again. She stood in the middle of the room, water dripping from her onto the floor as she examined him. Her eyes were filled with laughter.
‘Forgive me for having disturbed your solitude. But you see what a position I am in. It all came about from our starting from town for a sledge-drive, and my making a bet that I would walk back by myself from the Vorobevka to the town. But then I lost my way, and if I had not happened to come upon your cell...’ She began lying, but his face confused her so that she could not continue, but became silent. She had not expected him to be at all such as he was. He was not as handsome as she had imagined, but was nevertheless beautiful in her eyes: his greyish hair and beard, slightly curling, his fine, regular nose, and his eyes like glowing coal when he looked at her, made a strong impression on her.
"Sorry for interrupting your peace. But you can see the situation I'm in. It all started when we left town for a sledding trip, and I made a bet that I would walk back alone from Vorobevka to town. But then I got lost, and if I hadn't stumbled upon your place..." She started to fabricate a story, but his expression threw her off, leaving her unable to continue and falling silent. She hadn’t expected him to be like this at all. He wasn't as handsome as she had imagined, yet he was still beautiful in her eyes: his grayish hair and beard, slightly curly, his nice, even nose, and his eyes that shone like glowing coals when he looked at her made a strong impression on her.
He saw that she was lying.
He realized she was being dishonest.
‘Yes... so,’ said he, looking at her and again lowering his eyes. ‘I will go in there, and this place is at your disposal.’
‘Yes... so,’ he said, looking at her and then glancing down again. ‘I will go in there, and this place is yours to use.’
And taking down the little lamp, he lit a candle, and bowing low to her went into the small cell beyond the partition, and she heard him begin to move something about there. ‘Probably he is barricading himself in from me!’ she thought with a smile, and throwing off her white dogskin cloak she tried to take off her cap, which had become entangled in her hair and in the woven kerchief she was wearing under it. She had not got at all wet when standing under the window, and had said so only as a pretext to get him to let her in. But she really had stepped into the puddle at the door, and her left foot was wet up to the ankle and her overshoe full of water. She sat down on his bed—a bench only covered by a bit of carpet—and began to take off her boots. The little cell seemed to her charming. The narrow little room, some seven feet by nine, was as clean as glass. There was nothing in it but the bench on which she was sitting, the book-shelf above it, and a lectern in the corner. A sheepskin coat and a cassock hung on nails by the door. Above the lectern was the little lamp and an icon of Christ in His crown of thorns. The room smelt strangely of perspiration and of earth. It all pleased her—even that smell. Her wet feet, especially one of them, were uncomfortable, and she quickly began to take off her boots and stockings without ceasing to smile, pleased not so much at having achieved her object as because she perceived that she had abashed that charming, strange, striking, and attractive man. ‘He did not respond, but what of that?’ she said to herself.
And taking down the little lamp, he lit a candle, bowed low to her, and went into the small room beyond the partition. She heard him start to move things around in there. “He’s probably barricading himself from me!” she thought with a smile, and throwing off her white dogskin cloak, she tried to take off her cap, which had become tangled in her hair and the woven kerchief she was wearing underneath it. She hadn’t gotten wet while standing under the window and said so only as an excuse to get him to let her in. But she really had stepped into the puddle at the door, and her left foot was wet up to the ankle, with her overshoe full of water. She sat down on his bed—a bench just covered by a bit of carpet—and started to take off her boots. The small room seemed charming to her. The narrow little space, about seven feet by nine, was as clean as glass. There was nothing in it except the bench she was sitting on, a bookshelf above it, and a lectern in the corner. A sheepskin coat and a cassock hung on nails by the door. Above the lectern was the little lamp and an icon of Christ in His crown of thorns. The room smelled oddly of sweat and earth. She found it all pleasing—even that smell. Her wet feet, especially one of them, were uncomfortable, and she quickly began to remove her boots and stockings without stopping her smile, not so much pleased at having achieved her goal as because she realized that she had embarrassed that charming, strange, striking, and attractive man. “He didn’t respond, but so what?” she told herself.
‘Father Sergius! Father Sergius! Or how does one call you?’
'Father Sergius! Father Sergius! What should I call you?'
‘What do you want?’ replied a quiet voice.
‘What do you want?’ said a soft voice.
‘Please forgive me for disturbing your solitude, but really I could not help it. I should simply have fallen ill. And I don’t know that I shan’t now. I am all wet and my feet are like ice.’
'I'm really sorry to interrupt your peace, but I just couldn't help it. I think I might actually get sick. And I can't say that I won't now. I'm completely soaked and my feet are freezing.'
‘Pardon me,’ replied the quiet voice. ‘I cannot be of any assistance to you.’
“Excuse me,” replied the soft voice. “I can't help you.”
‘I would not have disturbed you if I could have helped it. I am only here till daybreak.’
‘I wouldn’t have bothered you if I could have avoided it. I’m only here until dawn.’
He did not reply and she heard him muttering something, probably his prayers.
He didn’t respond, and she heard him mumbling something, likely his prayers.
‘You will not be coming in here?’ she asked, smiling. ‘For I must undress to dry myself.’
‘You’re not coming in here?’ she asked, smiling. ‘Because I need to get undressed to dry off.’
He did not reply, but continued to read his prayers.
He didn’t respond but kept reading his prayers.
‘Yes, that is a man!’ thought she, getting her dripping boot off with difficulty. She tugged at it, but could not get it off. The absurdity of it struck her and she began to laugh almost inaudibly. But knowing that he would hear her laughter and would be moved by it just as she wished him to be, she laughed louder, and her laughter—gay, natural, and kindly—really acted on him just in the way she wished.
‘Yes, that’s a man!’ she thought, struggling to get her wet boot off. She pulled at it, but it wouldn’t budge. The ridiculousness of the situation hit her, and she started to laugh quietly. But realizing that he would hear her laughter and feel the way she wanted him to, she laughed louder, and her laughter—cheerful, genuine, and warm—really impacted him just as she intended.
‘Yes, I could love a man like that—such eyes and such a simple noble face, and passionate too despite all the prayers he mutters!’ thought she. ‘You can’t deceive a woman in these things. As soon as he put his face to the window and saw me, he understood and knew. The glimmer of it was in his eyes and remained there. He began to love me and desired me. Yes—desired!’ said she, getting her overshoe and her boot off at last and starting to take off her stockings. To remove those long stockings fastened with elastic it was necessary to raise her skirts. She felt embarrassed and said:
‘Yeah, I could totally love a guy like that—those eyes and such a simple, noble face, and he's passionate too, even with all those prayers he says!’ she thought. ‘You can't fool a woman in these situations. As soon as he looked through the window and saw me, he got it. The spark was in his eyes and stayed there. He started to love me and wanted me. Yes—wanted!’ she said, finally taking off her overshoe and boot and starting to remove her stockings. To get those long stockings off, held up by elastic, she had to lift her skirts. She felt awkward and said:
‘Don’t come in!’
‘Stay out!’
But there was no reply from the other side of the wall. The steady muttering continued and also a sound of moving.
But there was no response from the other side of the wall. The constant mumbling went on, along with the sound of movement.
‘He is prostrating himself to the ground, no doubt,’ thought she. ‘But he won’t bow himself out of it. He is thinking of me just as I am thinking of him. He is thinking of these feet of mine with the same feeling that I have!’ And she pulled off her wet stockings and put her feet up on the bench, pressing them under her. She sat a while like that with her arms round her knees and looking pensively before her. ‘But it is a desert, here in this silence. No one would ever know....’
‘He’s completely laying himself bare on the ground,’ she thought. ‘But he won’t get out of this by groveling. He’s thinking about me just like I’m thinking about him. He’s thinking about my feet with the same feelings I have!’ She took off her wet stockings and propped her feet up on the bench, tucking them underneath her. She sat there for a while, arms wrapped around her knees, staring off into the distance. ‘But it’s like a desert in this silence. No one would ever know....’
She rose, took her stockings over to the stove, and hung them on the damper. It was a queer damper, and she turned it about, and then, stepping lightly on her bare feet, returned to the bench and sat down there again with her feet up.
She got up, took her stockings over to the stove, and hung them on the damper. It was a strange damper, and she twisted it around, then, stepping lightly on her bare feet, went back to the bench and sat down again with her feet up.
There was complete silence on the other side of the partition. She looked at the tiny watch that hung round her neck. It was two o’clock. ‘Our party should return about three!’ She had not more than an hour before her. ‘Well, am I to sit like this all alone? What nonsense! I don’t want to. I will call him at once.’
There was total silence on the other side of the partition. She glanced at the small watch hanging around her neck. It was two o’clock. ‘Our group should be back by three!’ She had less than an hour left. ‘Well, am I just going to sit here all alone? This is ridiculous! I don’t want to. I’m going to call him right now.’
‘Father Sergius, Father Sergius! Sergey Dmitrich! Prince Kasatsky!’
‘Father Sergius, Father Sergius! Sergey Dmitrich! Prince Kasatsky!’
Beyond the partition all was silent.
Beyond the partition, everything was silent.
‘Listen! This is cruel. I would not call you if it were not necessary. I am ill. I don’t know what is the matter with me!’ she exclaimed in a tone of suffering. ‘Oh! Oh!’ she groaned, falling back on the bench. And strange to say she really felt that her strength was failing, that she was becoming faint, that everything in her ached, and that she was shivering with fever.
‘Listen! This is brutal. I wouldn’t be calling you if it wasn’t urgent. I’m not well. I don’t know what’s wrong with me!’ she cried out in a pained tone. ‘Oh! Oh!’ she moaned, collapsing back onto the bench. And oddly enough, she truly felt like her strength was slipping away, that she was getting dizzy, that every part of her hurt, and that she was trembling with fever.
‘Listen! Help me! I don’t know what is the matter with me. Oh! Oh!’ She unfastened her dress, exposing her breast, and lifted her arms, bare to the elbow. ‘Oh! Oh!’
‘Listen! Help me! I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Oh! Oh!’ She unbuttoned her dress, revealing her breast, and raised her arms, bare to the elbow. ‘Oh! Oh!’
All this time he stood on the other side of the partition and prayed. Having finished all the evening prayers, he now stood motionless, his eyes looking at the end of his nose, and mentally repeated with all his soul: ‘Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy upon me!’
All this time he stood on the other side of the divider and prayed. Having completed all the evening prayers, he now stood still, his eyes focused on the tip of his nose, and mentally repeated with all his heart: ‘Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me!’
But he had heard everything. He had heard how the silk rustled when she took off her dress, how she stepped with bare feet on the floor, and had heard how she rubbed her feet with her hand. He felt his own weakness, and that he might be lost at any moment. That was why he prayed unceasingly. He felt rather as the hero in the fairy-tale must have felt when he had to go on and on without looking round. So Sergius heard and felt that danger and destruction were there, hovering above and around him, and that he could only save himself by not looking in that direction for an instant. But suddenly the desire to look seized him. At the same instant she said:
But he had heard everything. He heard the silk rustle as she took off her dress, how she walked barefoot across the floor, and how she rubbed her feet with her hand. He felt his own weakness, knowing he could be lost at any moment. That’s why he prayed constantly. He felt much like the hero in a fairy tale must have felt when he had to keep going without looking back. So Sergius sensed that danger and destruction were there, hovering above and around him, and that he could only save himself by not glancing in that direction for even a second. But suddenly, the urge to look overwhelmed him. At that moment, she said:
‘This is inhuman. I may die....’
‘This is inhumane. I might die....’
‘Yes, I will go to her, but like the Saint who laid one hand on the adulteress and thrust his other into the brazier. But there is no brazier here.’ He looked round. The lamp! He put his finger over the flame and frowned, preparing himself to suffer. And for a rather long time, as it seemed to him, there was no sensation, but suddenly—he had not yet decided whether it was painful enough—he writhed all over, jerked his hand away, and waved it in the air. ‘No, I can’t stand that!’
‘Yes, I’ll go to her, but like the Saint who touched the adulteress with one hand and plunged the other into the fire. But there’s no fire here.’ He looked around. The lamp! He put his finger over the flame and frowned, getting ready to endure pain. For what felt like a long time, there was no feeling, but suddenly—he hadn’t yet decided if it was painful enough—he jerked in every direction, pulled his hand away, and waved it in the air. ‘No, I can’t take that!’
‘For God’s sake come to me! I am dying! Oh!’
‘For God’s sake, come to me! I’m dying! Oh!’
‘Well—shall I perish? No, not so!’
‘Well—am I going to die? No, definitely not!’
‘I will come to you directly,’ he said, and having opened his door, he went without looking at her through the cell into the porch where he used to chop wood. There he felt for the block and for an axe which leant against the wall.
‘I’ll come to you directly,’ he said, and after opening his door, he walked through the cell into the porch where he used to chop wood without looking at her. There, he felt for the block and the axe that was leaning against the wall.
‘Immediately!’ he said, and taking up the axe with his right hand he laid the forefinger of his left hand on the block, swung the axe, and struck with it below the second joint. The finger flew off more lightly than a stick of similar thickness, and bounding up, turned over on the edge of the block and then fell to the floor.
‘Right away!’ he said, and picking up the axe with his right hand, he placed the forefinger of his left hand on the block, swung the axe, and struck it just below the second joint. The finger flew off more easily than a stick of the same thickness, bouncing up, flipping over on the edge of the block, and then falling to the floor.
He heard it fall before he felt any pain, but before he had time to be surprised he felt a burning pain and the warmth of flowing blood. He hastily wrapped the stump in the skirt of his cassock, and pressing it to his hip went back into the room, and standing in front of the woman, lowered his eyes and asked in a low voice: ‘What do you want?’
He heard it drop before he felt any pain, but before he could be surprised, he felt a searing pain and the warmth of blood running. He quickly wrapped the stump in the hem of his robe, pressed it to his hip, went back into the room, and standing in front of the woman, lowered his eyes and asked softly, "What do you want?"
She looked at his pale face and his quivering left cheek, and suddenly felt ashamed. She jumped up, seized her fur cloak, and throwing it round her shoulders, wrapped herself up in it.
She gazed at his pale face and his trembling left cheek, and suddenly felt embarrassed. She got up quickly, grabbed her fur cloak, and wrapped it around her shoulders.
‘I was in pain... I have caught cold... I... Father Sergius... I...’
‘I was in pain... I caught a cold... I... Father Sergius... I...’
He let his eyes, shining with a quiet light of joy, rest upon her, and said:
He let his eyes, glowing with a gentle happiness, settle on her and said:
‘Dear sister, why did you wish to ruin your immortal soul? Temptations must come into the world, but woe to him by whom temptation comes. Pray that God may forgive us!’
‘Dear sister, why did you want to ruin your eternal soul? Temptations are bound to come into the world, but it's unfortunate for the person through whom temptation comes. Pray that God will forgive us!’
She listened and looked at him. Suddenly she heard the sound of something dripping. She looked down and saw that blood was flowing from his hand and down his cassock.
She listened and looked at him. Suddenly, she heard something dripping. She looked down and saw blood flowing from his hand and down his tunic.
‘What have you done to your hand?’ She remembered the sound she had heard, and seizing the little lamp ran out into the porch. There on the floor she saw the bloody finger. She returned with her face paler than his and was about to speak to him, but he silently passed into the back cell and fastened the door.
‘What happened to your hand?’ She recalled the noise she had heard, and grabbing the small lamp, she dashed out onto the porch. There on the ground, she spotted the bloody finger. She came back with her face even paler than his and was about to say something to him, but he quietly walked into the back cell and locked the door.
‘Forgive me!’ she said. ‘How can I atone for my sin?’
“Forgive me!” she said. “How can I make up for my mistake?”
‘Go away.’
‘Leave me alone.’
‘Let me tie up your hand.’
"Let me wrap your hand."
‘Go away from here.’
“Get out of here.”
She dressed hurriedly and silently, and when ready sat waiting in her furs. The sledge-bells were heard outside.
She quickly and quietly got dressed, and when she was ready, she sat waiting in her furs. The sound of the sledge bells could be heard outside.
‘Father Sergius, forgive me!’
"Father Sergius, please forgive me!"
‘Go away. God will forgive.’
"Leave me alone. God forgives."
‘Father Sergius! I will change my life. Do not forsake me!’
‘Father Sergius! I’ll change my life. Please don’t abandon me!’
‘Go away.’
"Leave me alone."
‘Forgive me—and give me your blessing!’
'Please forgive me—and give me your blessing!'
‘In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost!’—she heard his voice from behind the partition. ‘Go!’
‘In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit!’—she heard his voice from behind the partition. ‘Go!’
She burst into sobs and left the cell. The lawyer came forward to meet her.
She broke down in tears and left the cell. The lawyer stepped forward to greet her.
‘Well, I see I have lost the bet. It can’t be helped. Where will you sit?’
‘Well, I see I lost the bet. It can’t be helped. Where will you sit?’
‘It is all the same to me.’
"I don't care."
She took a seat in the sledge, and did not utter a word all the way home.
She sat down in the sled and didn’t say a word the whole way home.
A year later she entered a convent as a novice, and lived a strict life under the direction of the hermit Arseny, who wrote letters to her at long intervals.
A year later, she joined a convent as a novice and lived a disciplined life under the guidance of the hermit Arseny, who occasionally wrote her letters.
IV
Father Sergius lived as a recluse for another seven years.
At first he accepted much of what people brought him—tea, sugar, white bread, milk, clothing, and fire-wood. But as time went on he led a more and more austere life, refusing everything superfluous, and finally he accepted nothing but rye-bread once a week. Everything else that was brought to him he gave to the poor who came to him. He spent his entire time in his cell, in prayer or in conversation with callers, who became more and more numerous as time went on. Only three times a year did he go out to church, and when necessary he went out to fetch water and wood.
At first, he accepted a lot of what people brought him—tea, sugar, white bread, milk, clothes, and firewood. But over time, he lived an increasingly simple life, refusing anything extra, and in the end, he only accepted rye bread once a week. Everything else that was given to him, he would give to the poor who came his way. He spent all his time in his cell, either praying or talking with visitors, who became more and more numerous as time went on. He only went out to church three times a year, and when necessary, he stepped out to get water and wood.
The episode with Makovkina had occurred after five years of his hermit life. That occurrence soon became generally known—her nocturnal visit, the change she underwent, and her entry into a convent. From that time Father Sergius’s fame increased. More and more visitors came to see him, other monks settled down near his cell, and a church was erected there and also a hostelry. His fame, as usual exaggerating his feats, spread ever more and more widely. People began to come to him from a distance, and began bringing invalids to him whom they declared he cured.
The episode with Makovkina happened after five years of his life as a hermit. That event quickly became well known—her late-night visit, the transformation she went through, and her joining a convent. From that point on, Father Sergius’s reputation grew. More and more visitors came to see him, other monks settled near his cell, and a church and a hostel were built there. As usual, his fame exaggerated his accomplishments and spread even wider. People started coming to him from far away, bringing with them invalids they claimed he healed.
His first cure occurred in the eighth year of his life as a hermit. It was the healing of a fourteen-year-old boy, whose mother brought him to Father Sergius insisting that he should lay his hand on the child’s head. It had never occurred to Father Sergius that he could cure the sick. He would have regarded such a thought as a great sin of pride; but the mother who brought the boy implored him insistently, falling at his feet and saying: ‘Why do you, who heal others, refuse to help my son?’ She besought him in Christ’s name. When Father Sergius assured her that only God could heal the sick, she replied that she only wanted him to lay his hands on the boy and pray for him. Father Sergius refused and returned to his cell. But next day (it was in autumn and the nights were already cold) on going out for water he saw the same mother with her son, a pale boy of fourteen, and was met by the same petition.
His first healing happened in the eighth year of his life as a hermit. It was for a fourteen-year-old boy, whose mother brought him to Father Sergius, insisting that he should lay his hand on the child’s head. Father Sergius had never considered that he could cure the sick; he would have thought such an idea was a serious sin of pride. But the mother who brought the boy pleaded with him earnestly, falling at his feet and saying, “Why do you, who heal others, refuse to help my son?” She begged him in Christ’s name. When Father Sergius told her that only God could heal the sick, she replied that she just wanted him to lay his hands on the boy and pray for him. Father Sergius declined and went back to his cell. But the next day (it was autumn, and the nights were already cold), when he went out for water, he saw the same mother with her son, a pale fourteen-year-old boy, and was met with the same request.
He remembered the parable of the unjust judge, and though he had previously felt sure that he ought to refuse, he now began to hesitate and, having hesitated, took to prayer and prayed until a decision formed itself in his soul. This decision was, that he ought to accede to the woman’s request and that her faith might save her son. As for himself, he would in this case be but an insignificant instrument chosen by God.
He recalled the story of the unfair judge, and although he had initially been convinced that he should say no, he began to waver. After hesitating, he turned to prayer and prayed until he felt a decision take shape within him. The decision was that he should agree to the woman’s request, believing her faith could save her son. As for himself, he would merely be a small tool used by God in this situation.
And going out to the mother he did what she asked—laid his hand on the boy’s head and prayed.
And he went to the mother and did what she asked—he placed his hand on the boy's head and prayed.
The mother left with her son, and a month later the boy recovered, and the fame of the holy healing power of the starets Sergius (as they now called him) spread throughout the whole district. After that, not a week passed without sick people coming, riding or on foot, to Father Sergius; and having acceded to one petition he could not refuse others, and he laid his hands on many and prayed. Many recovered, and his fame spread more and more.
The mother left with her son, and a month later the boy got better, and the fame of the holy healing power of Father Sergius (as they now called him) spread throughout the whole area. After that, not a week went by without sick people coming, either riding or on foot, to see Father Sergius; and after he agreed to one request, he couldn't refuse others, so he laid his hands on many and prayed. Many recovered, and his fame grew even more.
So seven years passed in the Monastery and thirteen in his hermit’s cell. He now had the appearance of an old man: his beard was long and grey, but his hair, though thin, was still black and curly.
So seven years went by in the Monastery and thirteen in his hermit’s cell. He now looked like an old man: his beard was long and gray, but his hair, although thin, was still black and curly.
V
For some weeks Father Sergius had been living with one persistent thought: whether he was right in accepting the position in which he had not so much placed himself as been placed by the Archimandrite and the Abbot. That position had begun after the recovery of the fourteen-year-old boy. From that time, with each month, week, and day that passed, Sergius felt his own inner life wasting away and being replaced by external life. It was as if he had been turned inside out.
For several weeks, Father Sergius had been preoccupied with one recurring thought: whether he was in the right for accepting the role that he hadn’t so much chosen as had been assigned to him by the Archimandrite and the Abbot. This role began after the recovery of the fourteen-year-old boy. From that point on, with every month, week, and day that passed, Sergius felt his inner life dwindling and being replaced by an external existence. It was as if he had been turned inside out.
Sergius saw that he was a means of attracting visitors and contributions to the monastery, and that therefore the authorities arranged matters in such a way as to make as much use of him as possible. For instance, they rendered it impossible for him to do any manual work. He was supplied with everything he could want, and they only demanded of him that he should not refuse his blessing to those who came to seek it. For his convenience they appointed days when he would receive. They arranged a reception-room for men, and a place was railed in so that he should not be pushed over by the crowds of women visitors, and so that he could conveniently bless those who came.
Sergius realized that he was a way to draw visitors and donations to the monastery, so the authorities set things up to make the most of him. For example, they made it impossible for him to do any manual labor. He was given everything he needed, and all they expected from him was not to refuse his blessing to those who came to ask for it. For his ease, they designated specific days for him to hold audience. They created a reception area for men, and they set up a space with a railing to protect him from being overwhelmed by groups of women visitors, allowing him to conveniently bless those who came to see him.
They told him that people needed him, and that fulfilling Christ’s law of love he could not refuse their demand to see him, and that to avoid them would be cruel. He could not but agree with this, but the more he gave himself up to such a life the more he felt that what was internal became external, and that the fount of living water within him dried up, and that what he did now was done more and more for men and less and less for God.
They told him that people needed him, and that by following Christ’s law of love, he couldn’t refuse their request to see him, and that ignoring them would be unkind. He couldn’t disagree with this, but the more he devoted himself to that kind of life, the more he felt that what was inside him became outside, and that the source of living water within him dried up, and that what he was doing was becoming more about pleasing people and less about serving God.
Whether he admonished people, or simply blessed them, or prayed for the sick, or advised people about their lives, or listened to expressions of gratitude from those he had helped by precepts, or alms, or healing (as they assured him)—he could not help being pleased at it, and could not be indifferent to the results of his activity and to the influence he exerted. He thought himself a shining light, and the more he felt this the more was he conscious of a weakening, a dying down of the divine light of truth that shone within him.
Whether he advised people, simply blessed them, prayed for the sick, gave life advice, or listened to grateful expressions from those he had helped through guidance, donations, or healing (as they assured him)—he couldn't help but feel pleased by it and couldn't be indifferent to the outcomes of his actions and the impact he had. He considered himself a shining light, and the more he believed this, the more he was aware of a weakening, a dimming of the divine light of truth that shone within him.
‘In how far is what I do for God and in how far is it for men?’ That was the question that insistently tormented him and to which he was not so much unable to give himself an answer as unable to face the answer.
‘To what extent is what I do for God, and to what extent is it for people?’ That was the question that persistently troubled him, and he wasn't so much unable to find an answer as he was unable to confront the answer.
In the depth of his soul he felt that the devil had substituted an activity for men in place of his former activity for God. He felt this because, just as it had formerly been hard for him to be torn from his solitude so now that solitude itself was hard for him. He was oppressed and wearied by visitors, but at the bottom of his heart he was glad of their presence and glad of the praise they heaped upon him.
In the depths of his soul, he sensed that the devil had replaced his previous devotion to God with a different kind of activity for people. He felt this because, just as it had once been difficult for him to leave his solitude, now solitude itself was becoming challenging for him. He felt weighed down and tired by the visitors, but deep down, he was happy for their company and appreciated the praise they showered on him.
There was a time when he decided to go away and hide. He even planned all that was necessary for that purpose. He prepared for himself a peasant’s shirt, trousers, coat, and cap. He explained that he wanted these to give to those who asked. And he kept these clothes in his cell, planning how he would put them on, cut his hair short, and go away. First he would go some three hundred versts by train, then he would leave the train and walk from village to village. He asked an old man who had been a soldier how he tramped: what people gave him, and what shelter they allowed him. The soldier told him where people were most charitable, and where they would take a wanderer in for the night, and Father Sergius intended to avail himself of this information. He even put on those clothes one night in his desire to go, but he could not decide what was best—to remain or to escape. At first he was in doubt, but afterwards this indecision passed. He submitted to custom and yielded to the devil, and only the peasant garb reminded him of the thought and feeling he had had.
There was a time when he decided to leave and go into hiding. He even planned everything he needed for that purpose. He got himself a peasant’s shirt, trousers, coat, and cap. He said he wanted these to give to those who asked. He kept these clothes in his room, thinking about how he would wear them, cut his hair short, and leave. First, he would travel about three hundred versts by train, then he would get off the train and walk from village to village. He asked an old man who had been a soldier how he survived on the road: what people gave him, and what shelters he could stay in. The soldier told him where people were most generous and where they would offer a wanderer a place to sleep for the night, and Father Sergius intended to use this information. One night, he even put on those clothes in his eagerness to go, but he couldn’t decide what was better—to stay or to leave. At first, he was uncertain, but eventually, this indecision faded. He gave in to convention and succumbed to temptation, and only the peasant outfit reminded him of the thoughts and feelings he had once had.
Every day more and more people flocked to him and less and less time was left him for prayer and for renewing his spiritual strength. Sometimes in lucid moments he thought he was like a place where there had once been a spring. ‘There used to be a feeble spring of living water which flowed quietly from me and through me. That was true life, the time when she tempted me!’ (He always thought with ecstasy of that night and of her who was now Mother Agnes.) She had tasted of that pure water, but since then there had not been time for it to collect before thirsty people came crowding in and pushing one another aside. And they had trampled everything down and nothing was left but mud.
Every day, more and more people came to him, leaving him with less and less time for prayer and renewing his spiritual strength. Sometimes, in clear moments, he felt like a place where a spring used to be. 'There used to be a gentle stream of fresh water flowing quietly from me and through me. That was real life, the time when she tempted me!' (He always thought with joy about that night and about her, who was now Mother Agnes.) She had tasted that pure water, but since then, there hadn’t been time for it to gather before thirsty people rushed in, pushing each other aside. They trampled everything, and all that was left was mud.
So he thought in rare moments of lucidity, but his usual state of mind was one of weariness and a tender pity for himself because of that weariness.
So he thought in rare moments of clarity, but most of the time, he felt tired and had a gentle sympathy for himself because of that exhaustion.
It was in spring, on the eve of the mid-Pentecostal feast. Father Sergius was officiating at the Vigil Service in his hermitage church, where the congregation was as large as the little church could hold—about twenty people. They were all well-to-do proprietors or merchants. Father Sergius admitted anyone, but a selection was made by the monk in attendance and by an assistant who was sent to the hermitage every day from the monastery. A crowd of some eighty people—pilgrims and peasants, and especially peasant-women—stood outside waiting for Father Sergius to come out and bless them. Meanwhile he conducted the service, but at the point at which he went out to the tomb of his predecessor, he staggered and would have fallen had he not been caught by a merchant standing behind him and by the monk acting as deacon.
It was spring, on the eve of the mid-Pentecostal feast. Father Sergius was leading the Vigil Service in his hermitage church, where the congregation was as large as the small church could hold—about twenty people. They were all well-off landowners or merchants. Father Sergius welcomed anyone, but a selection was made by the monk in attendance and by an assistant who came to the hermitage every day from the monastery. A crowd of around eighty people—pilgrims, peasants, and especially peasant women—stood outside waiting for Father Sergius to come out and bless them. Meanwhile, he conducted the service, but when he went out to the tomb of his predecessor, he staggered and nearly fell if he hadn’t been caught by a merchant standing behind him and by the monk acting as deacon.
‘What is the matter, Father Sergius? Dear man! O Lord!’ exclaimed the women. ‘He is as white as a sheet!’
‘What’s wrong, Father Sergius? Oh no! Goodness!’ exclaimed the women. ‘He looks pale as a ghost!’
But Father Sergius recovered immediately, and though very pale, he waved the merchant and the deacon aside and continued to chant the service.
But Father Sergius bounced back right away, and even though he looked very pale, he gestured for the merchant and the deacon to step aside and kept chanting the service.
Father Seraphim, the deacon, the acolytes, and Sofya Ivanovna, a lady who always lived near the hermitage and tended Father Sergius, begged him to bring the service to an end.
Father Seraphim, the deacon, the acolytes, and Sofya Ivanovna, a woman who always lived close to the hermitage and took care of Father Sergius, urged him to wrap up the service.
‘No, there’s nothing the matter,’ said Father Sergius, slightly smiling from beneath his moustache and continuing the service. ‘Yes, that is the way the Saints behave!’ thought he.
‘No, there’s nothing wrong,’ said Father Sergius, giving a slight smile beneath his moustache and continuing the service. ‘Yes, that’s how the Saints act!’ he thought.
‘A holy man—an angel of God!’ he heard just then the voice of Sofya Ivanovna behind him, and also of the merchant who had supported him. He did not heed their entreaties, but went on with the service. Again crowding together they all made their way by the narrow passages back into the little church, and there, though abbreviating it slightly, Father Sergius completed vespers.
‘A holy man—an angel of God!’ he heard Sofya Ivanovna's voice behind him, along with the merchant who had been supporting him. He ignored their pleas and continued with the service. Everyone gathered closely again, making their way through the narrow passages back into the small church, and there, though shortening it a bit, Father Sergius finished vespers.
Immediately after the service Father Sergius, having pronounced the benediction on those present, went over to the bench under the elm tree at the entrance to the cave. He wished to rest and breathe the fresh air—he felt in need of it. But as soon as he left the church the crowd of people rushed to him soliciting his blessing, his advice, and his help. There were pilgrims who constantly tramped from one holy place to another and from one starets to another, and were always entranced by every shrine and every starets. Father Sergius knew this common, cold, conventional, and most irreligious type. There were pilgrims, for the most part discharged soldiers, unaccustomed to a settled life, poverty-stricken, and many of them drunken old men, who tramped from monastery to monastery merely to be fed. And there were rough peasants and peasant-women who had come with their selfish requirements, seeking cures or to have doubts about quite practical affairs solved for them: about marrying off a daughter, or hiring a shop, or buying a bit of land, or how to atone for having overlaid a child or having an illegitimate one.
Immediately after the service, Father Sergius, having blessed those present, made his way to the bench under the elm tree at the entrance to the cave. He wanted to rest and enjoy the fresh air—he felt he really needed it. But as soon as he left the church, a crowd of people rushed to him, asking for his blessing, advice, and help. There were pilgrims who constantly moved from one holy site to another, and from one starets to another, always captivated by every shrine and starets. Father Sergius recognized this typical, cold, conventional, and quite irreligious group. There were also pilgrims, mostly former soldiers, unaccustomed to stable living conditions, impoverished, and many drunken old men, who wandered from monastery to monastery just to get something to eat. And there were rough peasants and peasant women who had come with their own selfish motives, seeking cures or answers to practical issues: how to marry off a daughter, how to open a shop, how to buy a piece of land, or how to atone for having lost a child or having an illegitimate one.
All this was an old story and not in the least interesting to him. He knew he would hear nothing new from these folk, that they would arouse no religious emotion in him; but he liked to see the crowd to which his blessing and advice was necessary and precious, so while that crowd oppressed him it also pleased him. Father Seraphim began to drive them away, saying that Father Sergius was tired.
All this was an old story and not at all interesting to him. He knew he wouldn’t hear anything new from these people, that they wouldn’t spark any religious feelings in him; but he liked seeing the crowd that needed and valued his blessing and advice, so while that crowd weighed him down, it also made him happy. Father Seraphim started to send them away, saying that Father Sergius was tired.
But Father Sergius, remembering the words of the Gospel: ‘Forbid them’ (children) ‘not to come unto me,’ and feeling tenderly towards himself at this recollection, said they should be allowed to approach.
But Father Sergius, remembering the words of the Gospel: ‘Don’t stop the children from coming to me,’ and feeling tender towards himself at this thought, said they should be allowed to approach.
He rose, went to the railing beyond which the crowd had gathered, and began blessing them and answering their questions, but in a voice so weak that he was touched with pity for himself. Yet despite his wish to receive them all he could not do it. Things again grew dark before his eyes, and he staggered and grasped the railings. He felt a rush of blood to his head and first went pale and then suddenly flushed.
He got up, walked to the railing where the crowd had gathered, and started to bless them and answer their questions, but his voice was so weak that he felt sorry for himself. Still, even though he wanted to embrace them all, he couldn't do it. Everything blurred again in front of his eyes, and he stumbled, grabbing onto the railing for support. He felt a rush of blood to his head, first going pale and then suddenly flushing.
‘I must leave the rest till to-morrow. I cannot do more to-day,’ and, pronouncing a general benediction, he returned to the bench. The merchant again supported him, and leading him by the arm helped him to be seated.
‘I have to leave the rest for tomorrow. I can't do any more today,’ and, giving a general blessing, he returned to the bench. The merchant supported him again and, guiding him by the arm, helped him sit down.
‘Father!’ came voices from the crowd. ‘Dear Father! Do not forsake us. Without you we are lost!’
‘Father!’ came voices from the crowd. ‘Dear Father! Please don’t abandon us. Without you, we’re lost!’
The merchant, having seated Father Sergius on the bench under the elm, took on himself police duties and drove the people off very resolutely. It is true that he spoke in a low voice so that Father Sergius might not hear him, but his words were incisive and angry.
The merchant, having put Father Sergius on the bench under the elm, took on the role of police and firmly chased the people away. It's true that he spoke quietly so that Father Sergius wouldn't hear him, but his words were sharp and filled with anger.
‘Be off, be off! He has blessed you, and what more do you want? Get along with you, or I’ll wring your necks! Move on there! Get along, you old woman with your dirty leg-bands! Go, go! Where are you shoving to? You’ve been told that it is finished. To-morrow will be as God wills, but for to-day he has finished!’
‘Get out of here, get out of here! He has blessed you, and what more do you want? Move along, or I’ll wring your necks! Keep going! Hurry up, you old woman with your dirty leg bands! Go, go! Where are you pushing to? You’ve been told it's over. Tomorrow will be whatever God wants, but for today, it's done!’
‘Father! Only let my eyes have a glimpse of his dear face!’ said an old woman.
‘Father! Just let me catch a glimpse of his dear face!’ said an old woman.
‘I’ll glimpse you! Where are you shoving to?’
‘I’ll catch a glimpse of you! Where are you pushing to?’
Father Sergius noticed that the merchant seemed to be acting roughly, and in a feeble voice told the attendant that the people should not be driven away. He knew that they would be driven away all the same, and he much desired to be left alone and to rest, but he sent the attendant with that message to produce an impression.
Father Sergius noticed that the merchant was acting harshly, and in a weak voice told the attendant not to chase the people away. He knew they would be sent off anyway, and he really wanted to be left alone and have some peace, but he sent the attendant with that message to make an impression.
‘All right, all right! I am not driving them away. I am only remonstrating with them,’ replied the merchant. ‘You know they wouldn’t hesitate to drive a man to death. They have no pity, they only consider themselves.... You’ve been told you cannot see him. Go away! To-morrow!’ And he got rid of them all.
‘Okay, okay! I'm not kicking them out. I'm just trying to talk some sense into them,’ replied the merchant. ‘You know they wouldn’t hesitate to push a man to his breaking point. They have no compassion; they only think about themselves.... You’ve been told you can’t see him. Just leave! Tomorrow!’ And he sent them all away.
He took all these pains because he liked order and liked to domineer and drive the people away, but chiefly because he wanted to have Father Sergius to himself. He was a widower with an only daughter who was an invalid and unmarried, and whom he had brought fourteen hundred versts to Father Sergius to be healed. For two years past he had been taking her to different places to be cured: first to the university clinic in the chief town of the province, but that did no good; then to a peasant in the province of Samara, where she got a little better; then to a doctor in Moscow to whom he paid much money, but this did no good at all. Now he had been told that Father Sergius wrought cures, and had brought her to him. So when all the people had been driven away he approached Father Sergius, and suddenly falling on his knees loudly exclaimed:
He went to great lengths because he liked things to be orderly and enjoyed being in control and pushing people away, but mostly because he wanted Father Sergius all to himself. He was a widower with a single daughter who was sick and unmarried, and he had traveled fourteen hundred versts to bring her to Father Sergius for healing. For the past two years, he had been taking her to different places for treatment: first to the university clinic in the provincial capital, but that didn’t help; then to a peasant healer in Samara, where she showed a little improvement; then to a doctor in Moscow who charged him a lot of money, but that didn’t help at all. Now he had heard that Father Sergius could perform miracles, so he had brought her to him. After driving all the other people away, he approached Father Sergius and suddenly fell to his knees, exclaiming loudly:
‘Holy Father! Bless my afflicted offspring that she may be healed of her malady. I venture to prostrate myself at your holy feet.’
‘Holy Father! Bless my suffering child so she can be healed of her illness. I dare to lie down at your holy feet.’
And he placed one hand on the other, cup-wise. He said and did all this as if he were doing something clearly and firmly appointed by law and usage—as if one must and should ask for a daughter to be cured in just this way and no other. He did it with such conviction that it seemed even to Father Sergius that it should be said and done in just that way, but nevertheless he bade him rise and tell him what the trouble was. The merchant said that his daughter, a girl of twenty-two, had fallen ill two years ago, after her mother’s sudden death. She had moaned (as he expressed it) and since then had not been herself. And now he had brought her fourteen hundred versts and she was waiting in the hostelry till Father Sergius should give orders to bring her. She did not go out during the day, being afraid of the light, and could only come after sunset.
And he placed one hand over the other, like a cup. He acted as if he were doing something clearly and firmly established by tradition, as if one was expected to ask for a daughter to be cured in exactly this manner and no other. He did it with such certainty that even Father Sergius felt it should be said and done that way, but still, he told him to get up and explain what the problem was. The merchant said that his daughter, who was twenty-two, had fallen ill two years ago, after her mother’s sudden death. She had been moaning (as he put it) and since then had not been herself. Now he had traveled fourteen hundred versts, and she was waiting at the inn until Father Sergius told them to bring her. She did not go out during the day because she was afraid of the light and could only come after sunset.
‘Is she very weak?’ asked Father Sergius.
"Is she really weak?" Father Sergius asked.
‘No, she has no particular weakness. She is quite plump, and is only “nerastenic” the doctors say. If you will only let me bring her this evening, Father Sergius, I’ll fly like a spirit to fetch her. Holy Father! Revive a parent’s heart, restore his line, save his afflicted daughter by your prayers!’ And the merchant again threw himself on his knees and bending sideways, with his head resting on his clenched fists, remained stock still. Father Sergius again told him to get up, and thinking how heavy his activities were and how he went through with them patiently notwithstanding, he sighed heavily and after a few seconds of silence, said:
‘No, she doesn’t have any specific weakness. She’s quite plump and the doctors just call it “nervous exhaustion.” If you’ll let me bring her this evening, Father Sergius, I’ll rush like the wind to get her. Holy Father! Please revive a parent’s heart, restore his family line, and save his suffering daughter with your prayers!’ The merchant fell to his knees again, leaning sideways with his head on his clenched fists, remaining completely still. Father Sergius urged him to get up again and, thinking about how burdensome his responsibilities were and how he managed them patiently despite it all, he sighed deeply and after a brief silence, said:
‘Well, bring her this evening. I will pray for her, but now I am tired....’ and he closed his eyes. ‘I will send for you.’
‘Well, bring her this evening. I will pray for her, but right now I'm tired....’ and he closed his eyes. ‘I'll send for you.’
The merchant went away, stepping on tiptoe, which only made his boots creak the louder, and Father Sergius remained alone.
The merchant left quietly, trying to be sneaky, but his boots creaked even louder, and Father Sergius was left alone.
His whole life was filled by Church services and by people who came to see him, but to-day had been a particularly difficult one. In the morning an important official had arrived and had had a long conversation with him; after that a lady had come with her son. This son was a sceptical young professor whom the mother, an ardent believer and devoted to Father Sergius, had brought that he might talk to him. The conversation had been very trying. The young man, evidently not wishing to have a controversy with a monk, had agreed with him in everything as with someone who was mentally inferior. Father Sergius saw that the young man did not believe but yet was satisfied, tranquil, and at ease, and the memory of that conversation now disquieted him.
His whole life was filled with church services and visitors, but today had been particularly tough. In the morning, an important official had come and spent a long time talking with him. After that, a woman arrived with her son. This son was a skeptical young professor whom the mother, a passionate believer devoted to Father Sergius, had brought along to have a conversation with him. The discussion had been very challenging. The young man, clearly not wanting to argue with a monk, had agreed with him on everything, treating him like someone who was intellectually inferior. Father Sergius realized that the young man didn’t believe, yet he seemed content, calm, and relaxed, and the memory of that conversation now troubled him.
‘Have something to eat, Father,’ said the attendant.
"Have something to eat, Dad," said the attendant.
‘All right, bring me something.’
“Okay, bring me something.”
The attendant went to a hut that had been arranged some ten paces from the cave, and Father Sergius remained alone.
The attendant went to a hut that was set up about ten steps from the cave, and Father Sergius stayed alone.
The time was long past when he had lived alone doing everything for himself and eating only rye-bread, or rolls prepared for the Church. He had been advised long since that he had no right to neglect his health, and he was given wholesome, though Lenten, food. He ate sparingly, though much more than he had done, and often he ate with much pleasure, and not as formerly with aversion and a sense of guilt. So it was now. He had some gruel, drank a cup of tea, and ate half a white roll.
The time was long gone when he lived alone, doing everything for himself and only eating rye bread or rolls made for the Church. He had been warned a while back that he shouldn't ignore his health, so he was given healthy, though Lenten, food. He ate less sparingly than before, often with enjoyment rather than the aversion and guilt he felt earlier. That’s how it was now. He had some gruel, drank a cup of tea, and ate half of a white roll.
The attendant went away, and Father Sergius remained alone under the elm tree.
The attendant left, and Father Sergius stayed by himself under the elm tree.
It was a wonderful May evening, when the birches, aspens, elms, wild cherries, and oaks, had just burst into foliage.
It was a beautiful May evening, when the birches, aspens, elms, wild cherries, and oaks had just started to leaf out.
The bush of wild cherries behind the elm tree was in full bloom and had not yet begun to shed its blossoms, and the nightingales—one quite near at hand and two or three others in the bushes down by the river—burst into full song after some preliminary twitters. From the river came the far-off songs of peasants returning, no doubt, from their work. The sun was setting behind the forest, its last rays glowing through the leaves. All that side was brilliant green, the other side with the elm tree was dark. The cockchafers flew clumsily about, falling to the ground when they collided with anything.
The wild cherry bush behind the elm tree was blooming beautifully and hadn't started dropping its flowers yet, and the nightingales—one really close by and a couple more in the bushes by the river—broke into full song after some initial chirps. From the river came the distant sounds of peasants, probably heading back from their work. The sun was setting behind the forest, its last rays shining through the leaves. One side was bright green, while the side with the elm tree was dark. The cockchafers flew awkwardly around, crashing to the ground whenever they bumped into something.
After supper Father Sergius began to repeat a silent prayer: ‘O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy upon us!’ and then he read a psalm, and suddenly in the middle of the psalm a sparrow flew out from the bush, alighted on the ground, and hopped towards him chirping as it came, but then it took fright at something and flew away. He said a prayer which referred to his abandonment of the world, and hastened to finish it in order to send for the merchant with the sick daughter. She interested him in that she presented a distraction, and because both she and her father considered him a saint whose prayers were efficacious. Outwardly he disavowed that idea, but in the depths of his soul he considered it to be true.
After dinner, Father Sergius started to say a silent prayer: ‘O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on us!’ Then he read a psalm, and suddenly in the middle of it, a sparrow flew out from the bush, landed on the ground, and hopped toward him, chirping as it came. But then it got startled by something and flew away. He said a prayer that related to his leaving the world behind and hurried to finish it so he could call for the merchant with the sick daughter. She intrigued him because she offered a distraction, and both she and her father thought of him as a saint whose prayers worked. Outwardly, he denied that notion, but deep down, he believed it was true.
He was often amazed that this had happened, that he, Stepan Kasatsky, had come to be such an extraordinary saint and even a worker of miracles, but of the fact that he was such there could not be the least doubt. He could not fail to believe in the miracles he himself witnessed, beginning with the sick boy and ending with the old woman who had recovered her sight when he had prayed for her.
He often found it surprising that this had happened, that he, Stepan Kasatsky, had become such an extraordinary saint and even a miracle worker, but there was no doubt about it. He couldn't help but believe in the miracles he had seen, starting with the sick boy and ending with the old woman who had regained her sight when he prayed for her.
Strange as it might be, it was so. Accordingly the merchant’s daughter interested him as a new individual who had faith in him, and also as a fresh opportunity to confirm his healing powers and enhance his fame. ‘They bring people a thousand versts and write about it in the papers. The Emperor knows of it, and they know of it in Europe, in unbelieving Europe’—thought he. And suddenly he felt ashamed of his vanity and again began to pray. ‘Lord, King of Heaven, Comforter, Soul of Truth! Come and enter into me and cleanse me from all sin and save and bless my soul. Cleanse me from the sin of worldly vanity that troubles me!’ he repeated, and he remembered how often he had prayed about this and how vain till now his prayers had been in that respect. His prayers worked miracles for others, but in his own case God had not granted him liberation from this petty passion.
Strange as it might seem, it was true. The merchant’s daughter intrigued him as someone new who believed in him, and also as a fresh chance to prove his healing abilities and boost his reputation. “They bring people from a thousand versts and write about it in the papers. The Emperor knows about it, and they know in Europe, in skeptical Europe,” he thought. Suddenly, he felt embarrassed by his pride and started to pray again. “Lord, King of Heaven, Comforter, Soul of Truth! Come and fill me and cleanse me from all sin and save and bless my soul. Purify me from the sin of worldly vanity that troubles me!” he repeated, remembering how often he had prayed about this and how empty his prayers had been regarding it. His prayers worked miracles for others, but in his own case, God hadn’t freed him from this trivial passion.
He remembered his prayers at the commencement of his life at the hermitage, when he prayed for purity, humility, and love, and how it seemed to him then that God heard his prayers. He had retained his purity and had chopped off his finger. And he lifted the shrivelled stump of that finger to his lips and kissed it. It seemed to him now that he had been humble then when he had always seemed loathsome to himself on account of his sinfulness; and when he remembered the tender feelings with which he had then met an old man who was bringing a drunken soldier to him to ask alms; and how he had received HER, it seemed to him that he had then possessed love also. But now? And he asked himself whether he loved anyone, whether he loved Sofya Ivanovna, or Father Seraphim, whether he had any feeling of love for all who had come to him that day—for that learned young man with whom he had had that instructive discussion in which he was concerned only to show off his own intelligence and that he had not lagged behind the times in knowledge. He wanted and needed their love, but felt none towards them. He now had neither love nor humility nor purity.
He remembered his prayers at the start of his time in the hermitage, when he prayed for purity, humility, and love, and how back then, it felt like God was listening to him. He maintained his purity and had cut off his finger. He raised the shriveled stump of that finger to his lips and kissed it. It seemed to him now that he had been humble back then, even when he always looked down on himself because of his sins; when he recalled the compassion he had felt for an old man who brought a drunken soldier to him asking for charity; and how he had welcomed HER, it seemed to him that he had also experienced love then. But now? He wondered if he loved anyone, if he loved Sofya Ivanovna or Father Seraphim, if he had any feelings of love for everyone who came to him that day—for that educated young man with whom he had that enlightening discussion, where he was more focused on showing off his own knowledge than genuinely engaging. He wanted and needed their love, but felt nothing for them. Now, he had neither love nor humility nor purity.
He was pleased to know that the merchant’s daughter was twenty-two, and he wondered whether she was good-looking. When he inquired whether she was weak, he really wanted to know if she had feminine charm.
He was glad to find out that the merchant’s daughter was twenty-two, and he wondered if she was attractive. When he asked if she was delicate, he actually wanted to know if she had feminine allure.
‘Can I have fallen so low?’ he thought. ‘Lord, help me! Restore me, my Lord and God!’ And he clasped his hands and began to pray.
‘Can I have fallen so low?’ he thought. ‘Lord, help me! Restore me, my Lord and God!’ And he clasped his hands and began to pray.
The nightingales burst into song, a cockchafer knocked against him and crept up the back of his neck. He brushed it off. ‘But does He exist? What if I am knocking at a door fastened from outside? The bar is on the door for all to see. Nature—the nightingales and the cockchafers—is that bar. Perhaps the young man was right.’ And he began to pray aloud. He prayed for a long time till these thoughts vanished and he again felt calm and confident. He rang the bell and told the attendant to say that the merchant might bring his daughter to him now.
The nightingales started singing, and a cockchafer bumped into him and crawled up the back of his neck. He brushed it off. “But does He even exist? What if I’m knocking on a door that’s locked from the outside? The bar on the door is visible to everyone. Nature—the nightingales and the cockchafers—is that barrier. Maybe the young man was right.” And he began to pray out loud. He prayed for a long time until those thoughts faded and he felt calm and confident again. He rang the bell and told the attendant to inform that the merchant could bring his daughter to him now.
The merchant came, leading his daughter by the arm. He led her into the cell and immediately left her.
The merchant arrived, guiding his daughter by the arm. He brought her into the cell and then quickly left.
She was a very fair girl, plump and very short, with a pale, frightened, childish face and a much developed feminine figure. Father Sergius remained seated on the bench at the entrance and when she was passing and stopped beside him for his blessing he was aghast at himself for the way he looked at her figure. As she passed by him he was acutely conscious of her femininity, though he saw by her face that she was sensual and feeble-minded. He rose and went into the cell. She was sitting on a stool waiting for him, and when he entered she rose.
She was a very fair girl, chubby and quite short, with a pale, scared, childlike face and a well-developed feminine figure. Father Sergius stayed seated on the bench at the entrance, and when she walked by and stopped beside him for his blessing, he was shocked by how he was staring at her figure. As she passed, he was sharply aware of her femininity, even though he could tell from her face that she was sensual and simple-minded. He stood up and went into the cell. She was sitting on a stool waiting for him, and when he entered, she got up.
‘I want to go back to Papa,’ she said.
‘I want to go back to Dad,’ she said.
‘Don’t be afraid,’ he replied. ‘What are you suffering from?’
‘Don’t worry,’ he said. ‘What’s bothering you?’
‘I am in pain all over,’ she said, and suddenly her face lit up with a smile.
"I’m in pain all over," she said, and suddenly her face brightened with a smile.
‘You will be well,’ said he. ‘Pray!’
‘You’ll be fine,’ he said. ‘Please!’
‘What is the use of praying? I have prayed and it does no good’—and she continued to smile. ‘I want you to pray for me and lay your hands on me. I saw you in a dream.’
‘What’s the point of praying? I’ve prayed and it doesn’t help’—and she kept smiling. ‘I want you to pray for me and lay your hands on me. I saw you in a dream.’
‘How did you see me?’
'How did you spot me?'
‘I saw you put your hands on my breast like that.’ She took his hand and pressed it to her breast. ‘Just here.’
‘I saw you putting your hands on my chest like that.’ She took his hand and pressed it to her chest. ‘Right here.’
He yielded his right hand to her.
He held out his right hand to her.
‘What is your name?’ he asked, trembling all over and feeling that he was overcome and that his desire had already passed beyond control.
‘What’s your name?’ he asked, shaking all over and realizing that he was overwhelmed and that his desire had already spiraled out of control.
‘Marie. Why?’
'Marie, why?'
She took his hand and kissed it, and then put her arm round his waist and pressed him to herself.
She took his hand and kissed it, then wrapped her arm around his waist and pulled him close.
‘What are you doing?’ he said. ‘Marie, you are a devil!’
‘What are you up to?’ he said. ‘Marie, you’re a devil!’
‘Oh, perhaps. What does it matter?’
‘Oh, maybe. What difference does it make?’
And embracing him she sat down with him on the bed.
And hugging him, she sat down with him on the bed.
At dawn he went out into the porch.
At dawn, he stepped out onto the porch.
‘Can this all have happened? Her father will come and she will tell him everything. She is a devil! What am I to do? Here is the axe with which I chopped off my finger.’ He snatched up the axe and moved back towards the cell.
‘Can all of this really have happened? Her father will come and she will tell him everything. She’s a monster! What am I supposed to do? Here’s the axe I used to chop off my finger.’ He grabbed the axe and stepped back toward the cell.
The attendant came up.
The attendant approached.
‘Do you want some wood chopped? Let me have the axe.’
‘Do you need some wood chopped? Hand me the axe.’
Sergius yielded up the axe and entered the cell. She was lying there asleep. He looked at her with horror, and passed on beyond the partition, where he took down the peasant clothes and put them on. Then he seized a pair of scissors, cut off his long hair, and went out along the path down the hill to the river, where he had not been for more than three years.
Sergius gave up the axe and entered the cell. She was lying there asleep. He looked at her in shock and moved past the partition, where he took down the peasant clothes and put them on. Then he grabbed a pair of scissors, cut off his long hair, and went down the path to the river, a place he hadn't visited in over three years.
A road ran beside the river and he went along it and walked till noon. Then he went into a field of rye and lay down there. Towards evening he approached a village, but without entering it went towards the cliff that overhung the river. There he again lay down to rest.
A road ran next to the river, and he walked along it until noon. Then he entered a rye field and lay down there. As evening approached, he neared a village, but instead of going in, he headed toward the cliff that overlooked the river. There, he laid down again to rest.
It was early morning, half an hour before sunrise. All was damp and gloomy and a cold early wind was blowing from the west. ‘Yes, I must end it all. There is no God. But how am I to end it? Throw myself into the river? I can swim and should not drown. Hang myself? Yes, just throw this sash over a branch.’ This seemed so feasible and so easy that he felt horrified. As usual at moments of despair he felt the need of prayer. But there was no one to pray to. There was no God. He lay down resting on his arm, and suddenly such a longing for sleep overcame him that he could no longer support his head on his hand, but stretched out his arm, laid his head upon it, and fell asleep. But that sleep lasted only for a moment. He woke up immediately and began not to dream but to remember.
It was early morning, half an hour before sunrise. Everything was damp and gloomy, and a chilly wind was blowing from the west. “Yes, I have to end it all. There’s no God. But how should I do it? Jump into the river? I can swim and shouldn't drown. Hang myself? Yeah, I could just throw this sash over a branch.” It felt so possible and so simple that he was horrified. As usual in moments of despair, he felt the need to pray. But there was no one to pray to. There was no God. He lay down resting on his arm, and suddenly he was overwhelmed by such a longing for sleep that he couldn't keep his head supported on his hand anymore; instead, he stretched out his arm, rested his head on it, and fell asleep. But that sleep lasted only a moment. He woke up right away and didn't dream, but started to remember.
He saw himself as a child in his mother’s home in the country. A carriage drives up, and out of it steps Uncle Nicholas Sergeevich, with his long, spade-shaped, black beard, and with him Pashenka, a thin little girl with large mild eyes and a timid pathetic face. And into their company of boys Pashenka is brought and they have to play with her, but it is dull. She is silly, and it ends by their making fun of her and forcing her to show how she can swim. She lies down on the floor and shows them, and they all laugh and make a fool of her. She sees this and blushes red in patches and becomes more pitiable than before, so pitiable that he feels ashamed and can never forget that crooked, kindly, submissive smile. And Sergius remembered having seen her since then. Long after, just before he became a monk, she had married a landowner who squandered all her fortune and was in the habit of beating her. She had had two children, a son and a daughter, but the son had died while still young. And Sergius remembered having seen her very wretched. Then again he had seen her in the monastery when she was a widow. She had been still the same, not exactly stupid, but insipid, insignificant, and pitiable. She had come with her daughter and her daughter’s fiance. They were already poor at that time and later on he had heard that she was living in a small provincial town and was very poor.
He saw himself as a child in his mother’s home in the countryside. A carriage drives up, and out steps Uncle Nicholas Sergeevich, with his long, spade-shaped black beard, and with him is Pashenka, a thin little girl with large gentle eyes and a timid, sad face. Pashenka is brought into their group of boys to play, but it quickly becomes boring. She’s not very clever, and soon they start making fun of her and force her to show how she can swim. She lies down on the floor to demonstrate, and they all laugh and tease her. She notices this, her face turns a patchy red, and she becomes even more pitiable, so much so that he feels ashamed and can never forget that crooked, kind, submissive smile. Sergius remembered having seen her later on. Long after, just before he became a monk, she married a landowner who wasted all her money and was known to beat her. She had two children, a son and a daughter, but the son died while still young. Sergius remembered seeing her looking very miserable. Again, he saw her in the monastery after she became a widow. She was still the same, not exactly stupid, but bland, unremarkable, and pitiable. She had come with her daughter and her daughter’s fiancé. They were already poor at that time, and later he heard that she was living in a small provincial town and was very impoverished.
‘Why am I thinking about her?’ he asked himself, but he could not cease doing so. ‘Where is she? How is she getting on? Is she still as unhappy as she was then when she had to show us how to swim on the floor? But why should I think about her? What am I doing? I must put an end to myself.’
‘Why am I thinking about her?’ he asked himself, but he couldn’t stop. ‘Where is she? How is she doing? Is she still as unhappy as she was back then when she had to teach us how to swim on the floor? But why should I think about her? What am I doing? I need to put a stop to this.’
And again he felt afraid, and again, to escape from that thought, he went on thinking about Pashenka.
And once more he felt scared, and again, to get away from that thought, he kept thinking about Pashenka.
So he lay for a long time, thinking now of his unavoidable end and now of Pashenka. She presented herself to him as a means of salvation. At last he fell asleep, and in his sleep he saw an angel who came to him and said: ‘Go to Pashenka and learn from her what you have to do, what your sin is, and wherein lies your salvation.’
So he lay there for a long time, thinking about his inevitable end and Pashenka. She appeared to him as a way to be saved. Eventually, he fell asleep, and in his dreams, he saw an angel who came to him and said: ‘Go to Pashenka and find out from her what you need to do, what your sin is, and where your salvation lies.’
He awoke, and having decided that this was a vision sent by God, he felt glad, and resolved to do what had been told him in the vision. He knew the town where she lived. It was some three hundred versts (two hundred miles) away, and he set out to walk there.
He woke up and, deciding that this was a vision from God, felt happy and decided to do what the vision had instructed him. He knew the town where she lived. It was about three hundred versts (two hundred miles) away, so he set out to walk there.
VI
Pashenka had already long ceased to be Pashenka and had become old, withered, wrinkled Praskovya Mikhaylovna, mother-in-law of that failure, the drunken official Mavrikyev. She was living in the country town where he had had his last appointment, and there she was supporting the family: her daughter, her ailing neurasthenic son-in-law, and her five grandchildren. She did this by giving music lessons to tradesmen’s daughters, giving four and sometimes five lessons a day of an hour each, and earning in this way some sixty rubles (6 pounds) a month. So they lived for the present, in expectation of another appointment. She had sent letters to all her relations and acquaintances asking them to obtain a post for her son-in-law, and among the rest she had written to Sergius, but that letter had not reached him.
Pashenka had long stopped being Pashenka and had turned into the old, shriveled, wrinkled Praskovya Mikhaylovna, mother-in-law of the failure, the drunk official Mavrikyev. She was living in the small town where he had his last job, and there she was supporting the family: her daughter, her sickly, anxious son-in-law, and her five grandchildren. She did this by giving music lessons to the daughters of tradesmen, teaching four or sometimes five one-hour lessons a day, earning about sixty rubles (6 pounds) a month. So they got by for now, waiting for another job opportunity. She had sent letters to all her relatives and acquaintances asking them to find a position for her son-in-law, and among others, she had written to Sergius, but that letter never reached him.
It was a Saturday, and Praskovya Mikhaylovna was herself mixing dough for currant bread such as the serf-cook on her father’s estate used to make so well. She wished to give her grandchildren a treat on the Sunday.
It was a Saturday, and Praskovya Mikhaylovna was personally mixing dough for currant bread just like the serf-cook from her father's estate used to make so well. She wanted to treat her grandchildren on Sunday.
Masha, her daughter, was nursing her youngest child, the eldest boy and girl were at school, and her son-in-law was asleep, not having slept during the night. Praskovya Mikhaylovna had remained awake too for a great part of the night, trying to soften her daughter’s anger against her husband.
Masha was breastfeeding her youngest child, while the older boy and girl were at school, and her son-in-law was asleep after a night without rest. Praskovya Mikhaylovna had also stayed up for much of the night, trying to calm her daughter’s anger towards her husband.
She saw that it was impossible for her son-in-law, a weak creature, to be other than he was, and realized that his wife’s reproaches could do no good—so she used all her efforts to soften those reproaches and to avoid recrimination and anger. Unkindly relations between people caused her actual physical suffering. It was so clear to her that bitter feelings do not make anything better, but only make everything worse. She did not in fact think about this: she simply suffered at the sight of anger as she would from a bad smell, a harsh noise, or from blows on her body.
She realized it was impossible for her son-in-law, a weak man, to change, and understood that her daughter’s complaints wouldn’t help him—so she did everything she could to ease those complaints and to avoid blame and anger. Unkind relationships caused her real physical pain. She clearly understood that negative feelings don’t improve anything, but only make everything worse. She didn’t actually think about this; she just felt pain at the sight of anger as if it were a bad smell, a harsh noise, or physical blows.
She had—with a feeling of self-satisfaction—just taught Lukerya how to mix the dough, when her six-year-old grandson Misha, wearing an apron and with darned stockings on his crooked little legs, ran into the kitchen with a frightened face.
She had—feeling quite pleased with herself—just taught Lukerya how to mix the dough when her six-year-old grandson Misha, wearing an apron and with patched stockings on his crooked little legs, ran into the kitchen with a scared look on his face.
‘Grandma, a dreadful old man wants to see you.’
‘Grandma, a terrible old man wants to see you.’
Lukerya looked out at the door.
Lukerya looked out the door.
‘There is a pilgrim of some kind, a man...’
‘There is a pilgrim of some kind, a man...’
Praskovya Mikhaylovna rubbed her thin elbows against one another, wiped her hands on her apron and went upstairs to get a five-kopek piece [about a penny] out of her purse for him, but remembering that she had nothing less than a ten-kopek piece she decided to give him some bread instead. She returned to the cupboard, but suddenly blushed at the thought of having grudged the ten-kopek piece, and telling Lukerya to cut a slice of bread, went upstairs again to fetch it. ‘It serves you right,’ she said to herself. ‘You must now give twice over.’
Praskovya Mikhaylovna rubbed her thin elbows together, wiped her hands on her apron, and went upstairs to grab a five-kopek coin (about a penny) for him. But remembering she only had ten-kopek coins, she decided to give him some bread instead. She went back to the cupboard but suddenly felt embarrassed for holding back the ten-kopek coin. Telling Lukerya to cut a slice of bread, she headed upstairs again to get the coin. "You brought this on yourself," she muttered to herself. "Now you have to give twice as much."
She gave both the bread and the money to the pilgrim, and when doing so—far from being proud of her generosity—she excused herself for giving so little. The man had such an imposing appearance.
She gave both the bread and the money to the pilgrim, and while doing so—far from feeling proud of her generosity—she apologized for giving so little. The man had such a commanding presence.
Though he had tramped two hundred versts as a beggar, though he was tattered and had grown thin and weatherbeaten, though he had cropped his long hair and was wearing a peasant’s cap and boots, and though he bowed very humbly, Sergius still had the impressive appearance that made him so attractive. But Praskovya Mikhaylovna did not recognize him. She could hardly do so, not having seen him for almost twenty years.
Though he had walked two hundred versts as a beggar, though he was ragged and had grown thin and worn, though he had cut his long hair and was wearing a peasant’s cap and boots, and though he bowed very humbly, Sergius still had an impressive presence that made him quite appealing. But Praskovya Mikhaylovna didn’t recognize him. It was hardly possible for her to do so, having not seen him for almost twenty years.
‘Don’t think ill of me, Father. Perhaps you want something to eat?’
‘Please don’t think badly of me, Dad. Would you like something to eat?’
He took the bread and the money, and Praskovya Mikhaylovna was surprised that he did not go, but stood looking at her.
He took the bread and the money, and Praskovya Mikhaylovna was surprised that he didn't leave, but instead stood there looking at her.
‘Pashenka, I have come to you! Take me in...’
‘Pashenka, I’ve come to you! Please accept me...’
His beautiful black eyes, shining with the tears that started in them, were fixed on her with imploring insistence. And under his greyish moustache his lips quivered piteously.
His beautiful black eyes, shining with tears that began in them, were focused on her with desperate urgency. And beneath his grayish mustache, his lips trembled in a sad way.
Praskovya Mikhaylovna pressed her hands to her withered breast, opened her mouth, and stood petrified, staring at the pilgrim with dilated eyes.
Praskovya Mikhaylovna pressed her hands to her shriveled chest, opened her mouth, and stood frozen, staring at the pilgrim with wide eyes.
‘It can’t be! Stepa! Sergey! Father Sergius!’
‘It can’t be! Stepa! Sergey! Father Sergius!’
‘Yes, it is I,’ said Sergius in a low voice. ‘Only not Sergius, or Father Sergius, but a great sinner, Stepan Kasatsky—a great and lost sinner. Take me in and help me!’
‘Yes, it’s me,’ Sergius said quietly. ‘Not Sergius, or Father Sergius, but a huge sinner, Stepan Kasatsky—a great and lost sinner. Please take me in and help me!’
‘It’s impossible! How have you so humbled yourself? But come in.’
‘It's impossible! How have you humbled yourself so much? But come in.’
She reached out her hand, but he did not take it and only followed her in.
She extended her hand, but he didn’t take it and just followed her inside.
But where was she to take him? The lodging was a small one. Formerly she had had a tiny room, almost a closet, for herself, but later she had given it up to her daughter, and Masha was now sitting there rocking the baby.
But where was she supposed to take him? The place was small. She used to have a tiny room, almost like a closet, for herself, but later she gave it up for her daughter, and Masha was now sitting there rocking the baby.
‘Sit here for the present,’ she said to Sergius, pointing to a bench in the kitchen.
‘Sit here for now,’ she said to Sergius, pointing to a bench in the kitchen.
He sat down at once, and with an evidently accustomed movement slipped the straps of his wallet first off one shoulder and then off the other.
He sat down right away, and with a familiar motion, he slid the straps of his wallet off one shoulder and then the other.
‘My God, my God! How you have humbled yourself, Father! Such great fame, and now like this...’
‘My God, my God! How you have lowered yourself, Father! Such great fame, and now like this...’
Sergius did not reply, but only smiled meekly, placing his wallet under the bench on which he sat.
Sergius didn’t respond, just smiled softly as he put his wallet under the bench he was sitting on.
‘Masha, do you know who this is?’—And in a whisper Praskovya Mikhaylovna told her daughter who he was, and together they then carried the bed and the cradle out of the tiny room and cleared it for Sergius.
‘Masha, do you know who this is?’—And in a whisper, Praskovya Mikhaylovna told her daughter who he was, and together they then carried the bed and the cradle out of the tiny room and cleared it for Sergius.
Praskovya Mikhaylovna led him into it.
Praskovya Mikhaylovna brought him inside.
‘Here you can rest. Don’t take offence... but I must go out.’
'You can rest here. No offense, but I have to step out.'
‘Where to?’
"Where to now?"
‘I have to go to a lesson. I am ashamed to tell you, but I teach music!’
‘I have to go to a lesson. I'm embarrassed to say this, but I teach music!’
‘Music? But that is good. Only just one thing, Praskovya Mikhaylovna, I have come to you with a definite object. When can I have a talk with you?’
‘Music? That's great. Just one thing, Praskovya Mikhaylovna, I’ve come to you for a specific reason. When can we talk?’
‘I shall be very glad. Will this evening do?’
"I'll be really happy. Does this evening work for you?"
‘Yes. But one thing more. Don’t speak about me, or say who I am. I have revealed myself only to you. No one knows where I have gone to. It must be so.’
‘Yes. But one more thing. Don’t talk about me or say who I am. I have only revealed myself to you. No one knows where I’ve gone. It has to stay that way.’
‘Oh, but I have told my daughter.’
‘Oh, but I’ve told my daughter.’
‘Well, ask her not to mention it.’
‘Well, tell her not to bring it up.’
And Sergius took off his boots, lay down, and at once fell asleep after a sleepless night and a walk of nearly thirty miles.
And Sergius took off his boots, lay down, and immediately fell asleep after a sleepless night and a walk of almost thirty miles.
When Praskovya Mikhaylovna returned, Sergius was sitting in the little room waiting for her. He did not come out for dinner, but had some soup and gruel which Lukerya brought him.
When Praskovya Mikhaylovna came back, Sergius was sitting in the small room waiting for her. He didn't join her for dinner but had some soup and porridge that Lukerya brought him.
‘How is it that you have come back earlier than you said?’ asked Sergius. ‘Can I speak to you now?’
‘How come you’re back earlier than you said you would?’ asked Sergius. ‘Can I talk to you now?’
‘How is it that I have the happiness to receive such a guest? I have missed one of my lessons. That can wait... I had always been planning to go to see you. I wrote to you, and now this good fortune has come.’
‘How did I get so lucky to receive such a guest? I've missed one of my lessons. That can wait... I always intended to come see you. I wrote to you, and now this good fortune has arrived.’
‘Pashenka, please listen to what I am going to tell you as to a confession made to God at my last hour. Pashenka, I am not a holy man, I am not even as good as a simple ordinary man; I am a loathsome, vile, and proud sinner who has gone astray, and who, if not worse than everyone else, is at least worse than most very bad people.’
‘Pashenka, please hear what I’m about to share with you like a confession made to God at my final hour. Pashenka, I’m not a holy man; I’m not even as good as a regular person. I am a disgusting, vile, and proud sinner who has lost their way, and who, if not worse than everyone else, is at least worse than most of the really bad people.’
Pashenka looked at him at first with staring eyes. But she believed what he said, and when she had quite grasped it she touched his hand, smiling pityingly, and said:
Pashenka looked at him at first with wide eyes. But she believed what he said, and once she fully understood it, she touched his hand, smiling compassionately, and said:
‘Perhaps you exaggerate, Stiva?’
“Maybe you’re exaggerating, Stiva?”
‘No, Pashenka. I am an adulterer, a murderer, a blasphemer, and a deceiver.’
‘No, Pashenka. I'm an adulterer, a murderer, a blasphemer, and a deceiver.’
‘My God! How is that?’ exclaimed Praskovya Mikhaylovna.
‘Oh my God! How is that possible?’ exclaimed Praskovya Mikhaylovna.
‘But I must go on living. And I, who thought I knew everything, who taught others how to live—I know nothing and ask you to teach me.’
‘But I have to keep living. And I, who thought I knew everything, who taught others how to live—I know nothing and ask you to teach me.’
‘What are you saying, Stiva? You are laughing at me. Why do you always make fun of me?’
‘What are you talking about, Stiva? You're making fun of me. Why do you always tease me?’
‘Well, if you think I am jesting you must have it as you please. But tell me all the same how you live, and how you have lived your life.’
‘Well, if you think I’m joking, that’s up to you. But please, tell me how you live and what your life has been like.’
‘I? I have lived a very nasty, horrible life, and now God is punishing me as I deserve. I live so wretchedly, so wretchedly...’
‘I? I’ve lived a really nasty, awful life, and now God is punishing me like I deserve. I live so miserably, so miserably...’
‘How was it with your marriage? How did you live with your husband?’
‘How was your marriage? How did you get along with your husband?’
‘It was all bad. I married because I fell in love in the nastiest way. Papa did not approve. But I would not listen to anything and just got married. Then instead of helping my husband I tormented him by my jealousy, which I could not restrain.’
‘It was all terrible. I got married because I fell in love in the worst way. Dad didn’t approve. But I ignored everything and just went ahead with the wedding. Then, instead of supporting my husband, I tortured him with my jealousy, which I couldn’t control.’
‘I heard that he drank...’
"I heard he drank..."
‘Yes, but I did not give him any peace. I always reproached him, though you know it is a disease! He could not refrain from it. I now remember how I tried to prevent his having it, and the frightful scenes we had!’
‘Yes, but I didn’t let him have any peace. I kept blaming him, even though you know it’s an addiction! He couldn’t help himself. I now remember how I tried to stop him from having it, and the terrible scenes we went through!’
And she looked at Kasatsky with beautiful eyes, suffering from the remembrance.
And she looked at Kasatsky with beautiful eyes, filled with sorrow from the memories.
Kasatsky remembered how he had been told that Pashenka’s husband used to beat her, and now, looking at her thin withered neck with prominent veins behind her ears, and her scanty coil of hair, half grey half auburn, he seemed to see just how it had occurred.
Kasatsky remembered being told that Pashenka’s husband used to hit her, and now, looking at her thin, aged neck with visible veins behind her ears, and her sparse hair, half grey and half auburn, he could clearly see how it had happened.
‘Then I was left with two children and no means at all.’
'Then I was left with two kids and no resources at all.'
‘But you had an estate!’
"But you owned property!"
‘Oh, we sold that while Vasya was still alive, and the money was all spent. We had to live, and like all our young ladies I did not know how to earn anything. I was particularly useless and helpless. So we spent all we had. I taught the children and improved my own education a little. And then Mitya fell ill when he was already in the fourth form, and God took him. Masha fell in love with Vanya, my son-in-law. And—well, he is well-meaning but unfortunate. He is ill.’
‘Oh, we sold that while Vasya was still alive, and the money was all gone. We had to survive, and like all our young ladies, I didn’t know how to make any income. I felt particularly useless and helpless. So we spent everything we had. I taught the kids and improved my own education a bit. Then Mitya got sick when he was already in the fourth grade, and God took him. Masha fell in love with Vanya, my son-in-law. And—well, he means well but has had a rough time. He is sick.’
‘Mamma!’—her daughter’s voice interrupted her—‘Take Mitya! I can’t be in two places at once.’
‘Mom!’—her daughter’s voice interrupted her—‘Take Mitya! I can’t be in two places at once.’
Praskovya Mikhaylovna shuddered, but rose and went out of the room, stepping quickly in her patched shoes. She soon came back with a boy of two in her arms, who threw himself backwards and grabbed at her shawl with his little hands.
Praskovya Mikhaylovna shuddered but got up and left the room, hurrying in her patched shoes. She soon returned with a two-year-old boy in her arms, who arched his back and clung to her shawl with his small hands.
‘Where was I? Oh yes, he had a good appointment here, and his chief was a kind man too. But Vanya could not go on, and had to give up his position.’
‘Where was I? Oh right, he had a good job here, and his boss was a nice guy too. But Vanya couldn’t continue and had to quit his position.’
‘What is the matter with him?’
‘What's up with him?’
‘Neurasthenia—it is a dreadful complaint. We consulted a doctor, who told us he ought to go away, but we had no means.... I always hope it will pass of itself. He has no particular pain, but...’
‘Neurasthenia—it’s a terrible condition. We saw a doctor, who advised that he should go away, but we couldn’t afford it.... I always hope it will just go away on its own. He doesn’t have any specific pain, but...’
‘Lukerya!’ cried an angry and feeble voice. ‘She is always sent away when I want her. Mamma...’
‘Lukerya!’ shouted a weak and frustrated voice. ‘She always gets sent away when I need her. Mom...’
‘I’m coming!’ Praskovya Mikhaylovna again interrupted herself. ‘He has not had his dinner yet. He can’t eat with us.’
‘I’m coming!’ Praskovya Mikhaylovna interrupted herself again. ‘He hasn’t had his dinner yet. He can’t eat with us.’
She went out and arranged something, and came back wiping her thin dark hands.
She went out and sorted something out, then came back wiping her slender dark hands.
‘So that is how I live. I always complain and am always dissatisfied, but thank God the grandchildren are all nice and healthy, and we can still live. But why talk about me?’
‘So that’s how I live. I always complain and am never satisfied, but thank God the grandkids are all nice and healthy, and we can still get by. But why focus on me?’
‘But what do you live on?’
‘But what do you survive on?’
‘Well, I earn a little. How I used to dislike music, but how useful it is to me now!’ Her small hand lay on the chest of drawers beside which she was sitting, and she drummed an exercise with her thin fingers.
‘Well, I make a little money. I used to hate music, but it's so helpful to me now!’ Her small hand rested on the dresser next to her, and she tapped out a rhythm with her slender fingers.
‘How much do you get for a lesson?’
‘How much do you earn for a lesson?’
‘Sometimes a ruble, sometimes fifty kopeks, or sometimes thirty. They are all so kind to me.’
'Sometimes a ruble, sometimes fifty kopecks, or sometimes thirty. They're all so nice to me.'
‘And do your pupils get on well?’ asked Kasatsky with a slight smile.
"Do your students get along well?" Kasatsky asked with a slight smile.
Praskovya Mikhaylovna did not at first believe that he was asking seriously, and looked inquiringly into his eyes.
Praskovya Mikhaylovna initially didn’t believe he was asking seriously and looked questioningly into his eyes.
‘Some of them do. One of them is a splendid girl—the butcher’s daughter—such a good kind girl! If I were a clever woman I ought, of course, with the connexions Papa had, to be able to get an appointment for my son-in-law. But as it is I have not been able to do anything, and have brought them all to this—as you see.’
‘Some of them do. One of them is a wonderful girl—the butcher’s daughter—such a kind girl! If I were a smart woman I should, of course, with the connections Dad had, be able to get a job for my son-in-law. But as it is, I haven’t been able to do anything and have brought them all to this—as you see.’
‘Yes, yes,’ said Kasatsky, lowering his head. ‘And how is it, Pashenka—do you take part in Church life?’
‘Yes, yes,’ said Kasatsky, looking down. ‘So, Pashenka—are you involved in Church activities?’
‘Oh, don’t speak of it. I am so bad that way, and have neglected it so! I keep the fasts with the children and sometimes go to church, and then again sometimes I don’t go for months. I only send the children.’
‘Oh, don’t mention it. I’m really terrible about that and have been neglecting it! I observe the fasts with the kids and sometimes attend church, but then there are times when I won’t go for months. I just send the kids.’
‘But why don’t you go yourself?’
‘But why don’t you just go yourself?’
‘To tell the truth’ (she blushed) ‘I am ashamed, for my daughter’s sake and the children’s, to go there in tattered clothes, and I haven’t anything else. Besides, I am just lazy.’
"Honestly," she said, blushing, "I'm embarrassed for my daughter's sake and the kids' to show up in ripped clothes, and I don't have anything else. Plus, I'm just lazy."
‘And do you pray at home?’
"Do you pray at home?"
‘I do. But what sort of prayer is it? Only mechanical. I know it should not be like that, but I lack real religious feeling. The only thing is that I know how bad I am...’
‘I do. But what kind of prayer is it? Just mechanical. I know it shouldn't be like that, but I don't have true religious feelings. The only thing is that I know how flawed I am...’
‘Yes, yes, that’s right!’ said Kasatsky, as if approvingly.
"Yeah, yeah, that's right!" said Kasatsky, sounding pleased.
‘I’m coming! I’m coming!’ she replied to a call from her son-in-law, and tidying her scanty plait she left the room.
‘I’m coming! I’m coming!’ she replied to a call from her son-in-law, and tidying her short braid, she left the room.
But this time it was long before she returned. When she came back, Kasatsky was sitting in the same position, his elbows resting on his knees and his head bowed. But his wallet was strapped on his back.
But this time it took her a while to come back. When she did return, Kasatsky was still in the same position, with his elbows on his knees and his head down. But his wallet was strapped to his back.
When she came in, carrying a small tin lamp without a shade, he raised his fine weary eyes and sighed very deeply.
When she walked in, holding a small tin lamp without a shade, he lifted his tired eyes and let out a deep sigh.
‘I did not tell them who you are,’ she began timidly. ‘I only said that you are a pilgrim, a nobleman, and that I used to know you. Come into the dining-room for tea.’
‘I didn’t tell them who you are,’ she started hesitantly. ‘I just said you’re a traveler, a nobleman, and that I used to know you. Come into the dining room for tea.’
‘No...’
‘No…’
‘Well then, I’ll bring some to you here.’
‘Well then, I’ll bring some to you here.’
‘No, I don’t want anything. God bless you, Pashenka! I am going now. If you pity me, don’t tell anyone that you have seen me. For the love of God don’t tell anyone. Thank you. I would bow to your feet but I know it would make you feel awkward. Thank you, and forgive me for Christ’s sake!’
‘No, I don’t want anything. God bless you, Pashenka! I’m leaving now. If you feel sorry for me, please don’t tell anyone that you saw me. For God’s sake, don’t say a word. Thank you. I would bow at your feet, but I know it would make you uncomfortable. Thank you, and I’m sorry for Christ’s sake!’
‘Give me your blessing.’
"Please bless me."
‘God bless you! Forgive me for Christ’s sake!’
‘God bless you! Please forgive me for Christ’s sake!’
He rose, but she would not let him go until she had given him bread and butter and rusks. He took it all and went away.
He got up, but she wouldn’t let him leave until she had given him bread, butter, and some rusks. He took everything and left.
It was dark, and before he had passed the second house he was lost to sight. She only knew he was there because the dog at the priest’s house was barking.
It was dark, and before he had passed the second house, he disappeared from view. She only knew he was there because the dog at the priest's house was barking.
‘So that is what my dream meant! Pashenka is what I ought to have been but failed to be. I lived for men on the pretext of living for God, while she lived for God imagining that she lives for men. Yes, one good deed—a cup of water given without thought of reward—is worth more than any benefit I imagined I was bestowing on people. But after all was there not some share of sincere desire to serve God?’ he asked himself, and the answer was: ‘Yes, there was, but it was all soiled and overgrown by desire for human praise. Yes, there is no God for the man who lives, as I did, for human praise. I will now seek Him!’
'So that’s what my dream meant! Pashenka represents what I should have been but didn’t become. I lived for others under the guise of living for God, while she lived for God thinking she was living for people. Yes, one good deed—a cup of water given without expecting anything in return—matters more than any benefit I thought I was giving to others. But wasn't there some genuine desire to serve God?’ he asked himself, and the answer was: ‘Yes, there was, but it was all tainted and overwhelmed by a desire for human approval. Yes, there is no God for someone like me, who lived for human praise. I will seek Him now!’
And he walked from village to village as he had done on his way to Pashenka, meeting and parting from other pilgrims, men and women, and asking for bread and a night’s rest in Christ’s name. Occasionally some angry housewife scolded him, or a drunken peasant reviled him, but for the most part he was given food and drink and even something to take with him. His noble bearing disposed some people in his favour, while others on the contrary seemed pleased at the sight of a gentleman who had come to beggary.
And he walked from village to village just like he had on his way to Pashenka, meeting and saying goodbye to other pilgrims, both men and women, and asking for bread and a place to stay for the night in Christ’s name. Sometimes, an angry housewife would scold him, or a drunken peasant would insult him, but for the most part, he received food and drink and even some provisions to take with him. His noble demeanor made some people favor him, while others seemed to take pleasure in seeing a gentleman reduced to begging.
But his gentleness prevailed with everyone.
But his kindness won everyone over.
Often, finding a copy of the Gospels in a hut he would read it aloud, and when they heard him the people were always touched and surprised, as at something new yet familiar.
Often, when he found a copy of the Gospels in a hut, he would read it aloud, and the people would always be moved and surprised when they heard him, as if experiencing something new but also familiar.
When he succeeded in helping people, either by advice, or by his knowledge of reading and writing, or by settling some quarrel, he did not wait to see their gratitude but went away directly afterwards. And little by little God began to reveal Himself within him.
When he managed to help people, whether it was through advice, his reading and writing skills, or resolving a conflict, he didn’t stick around to see their appreciation but left immediately afterward. And little by little, God started to reveal Himself within him.
Once he was walking along with two old women and a soldier. They were stopped by a party consisting of a lady and gentleman in a gig and another lady and gentleman on horseback. The husband was on horseback with his daughter, while in the gig his wife was driving with a Frenchman, evidently a traveller.
Once, he was walking with two elderly women and a soldier. They were stopped by a couple in a carriage and another couple on horseback. The husband rode with his daughter, while in the carriage, his wife was driving with a Frenchman who was clearly a traveler.
The party stopped to let the Frenchman see the pilgrims who, in accord with a popular Russian superstition, tramped about from place to place instead of working.
The group paused so the Frenchman could see the pilgrims who, following a common Russian superstition, wandered from place to place instead of working.
They spoke French, thinking that the others would not understand them.
They spoke French, believing that the others wouldn't understand them.
‘Demandez-leur,’ said the Frenchman, ‘s’ils sont bien sur de ce que leur pelerinage est agreable a Dieu.’
‘Ask them,’ said the Frenchman, ‘if they are sure that their pilgrimage is pleasing to God.’
The question was asked, and one old woman replied:
The question was asked, and an older woman responded:
‘As God takes it. Our feet have reached the holy places, but our hearts may not have done so.’
‘As God wills it. Our feet have reached the holy places, but our hearts may not have followed.’
They asked the soldier. He said that he was alone in the world and had nowhere else to go.
They asked the soldier. He said he was all alone in the world and had nowhere else to go.
They asked Kasatsky who he was.
They asked Kasatsky who he was.
‘A servant of God.’
"God's servant."
‘Qu’est-ce qu’il dit? Il ne repond pas.’
'What is he saying? He isn't responding.'
‘Il dit qu’il est un serviteur de Dieu. Cela doit etre un fils de preetre. Il a de la race. Avez-vous de la petite monnaie?’
‘He says he is a servant of God. He must be a priest's son. He has pedigree. Do you have any change?’
The Frenchman found some small change and gave twenty kopeks to each of the pilgrims.
The Frenchman found some spare change and gave twenty kopecks to each of the pilgrims.
‘Mais dites-leur que ce n’est pas pour les cierges que je leur donne, mais pour qu’ils se regalent de the. Chay, chay pour vous, mon vieux!’ he said with a smile. And he patted Kasatsky on the shoulder with his gloved hand.
‘But tell them it's not for the candles that I'm giving them, but so they can enjoy tea. Cheers, cheers to you, my old friend!’ he said with a smile. And he patted Kasatsky on the shoulder with his gloved hand.
‘May Christ bless you,’ replied Kasatsky without replacing his cap and bowing his bald head.
“May Christ bless you,” replied Kasatsky, leaving his cap on and bowing his bald head.
He rejoiced particularly at this meeting, because he had disregarded the opinion of men and had done the simplest, easiest thing—humbly accepted twenty kopeks and given them to his comrade, a blind beggar. The less importance he attached to the opinion of men the more did he feel the presence of God within him.
He was especially happy about this encounter because he had ignored what others thought and had chosen the simplest, easiest path—humbly accepted twenty kopeks and given them to his friend, a blind beggar. The less he cared about what people thought, the more he felt the presence of God within him.
For eight months Kasatsky tramped on in this manner, and in the ninth month he was arrested for not having a passport. This happened at a night-refuge in a provincial town where he had passed the night with some pilgrims. He was taken to the police-station, and when asked who he was and where was his passport, he replied that he had no passport and that he was a servant of God. He was classed as a tramp, sentenced, and sent to live in Siberia.
For eight months, Kasatsky wandered around like this, and in the ninth month, he was arrested for not having a passport. This occurred at a shelter in a small town where he had spent the night with some pilgrims. He was taken to the police station, and when asked who he was and where his passport was, he replied that he didn't have one and that he was a servant of God. He was classified as a vagrant, sentenced, and sent to live in Siberia.
In Siberia he has settled down as the hired man of a well-to-do peasant, in which capacity he works in the kitchen-garden, teaches children, and attends to the sick.
In Siberia, he has settled down as the hired help of a wealthy peasant, where he works in the garden, teaches the kids, and takes care of the sick.
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